


What it is the William Chronicles part 2.

by Elle_Dread



Series: McGregor Chronicles [5]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Child Abuse, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Cults, Ephebophilia, Father/Son Incest, Forced Orgasm, Forced Prostitution, Gang Rape, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, POV Child, Parent/Child Incest, Pederasty, Pedophilia, Physical Abuse, Rape, Ritual Sex, Uncle/Nephew Incest, Underage Drinking, Underage Kissing, Underage Rape/Non-con, Underage Sex, Underage Smoking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-02-19 21:27:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 85
Words: 980,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13132581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elle_Dread/pseuds/Elle_Dread
Summary: It is January of the year 1999. A year where things don't seem to be going well already.  What will happen? Will things get better for the McGregor children or worse? will their mom finally get them all out and away somewhere, safe from their Da and the brotherhood or are the doomed to being sex slaves and prisoners of the brotherhood forever? This is a continuation of Will's point of view. For more detail and understand of what's going on please read part one as well as the Johnathan chronicles Parts 1 & 2. Some background stuff going on that you won't see in the main series for an add you just need to make a LiveJournal (it's free) and then well add link: https://mcgergor-story.livejournal.com/2006/05/17/





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I'm still updating for now anyway. This is what happens after the new year occurs it's a short chapter but you know just to give you an idea of what this poor kid is going through. **Warnings: Forced kissing, molestation, mental health issues, crying, bullying**

I didn’t sleep that well that night. Thinking of how Louis and Karen were on the 3rd floor just below us. Thinking of how he was related to Lionel. How, he was here keeping an eye on me for him. He had said so himself.

I woke up a couple of times feeding Seamus and Mary. Once around 3am and again around 5. I changed them and rocked them back to sleep. After that I must have slept for a while. I had to of because next thing I knew I woke up startled as my bedroom door opened it creaking as James appeared coming quietly inside and shutting it behind him.

“What are you doing?” I asked him.

“I think he’s like him,” James told me looking at me.

“Who?” I asked him.

“Luke’s brother,” James said and I nodded my head holding open my covers.

“Did he hurt you?” I asked him.

“No. Just a bad feeling. Karen’s up and she’s making pancakes. She woke Cat and I up but almost everyone else is sleeping,” he told me climbing into bed with me.

“Are you still tired?” I asked him.

“No, I just wanted to be with you. You said if we were together it would be ok. So I wanted to be together,” he informed me.

“Ok bud,” I said holding him before I kissed is cheek, “But if you aren’t going to sleep maybe you should go play with Catty. Play tea party with her.”

“But I want to play cowboys,” he told me.

“Try and see if she’ll let you play cowboy tea party ok? Especially if you think he’s like them. We can’t leave her alone with someone that’s like them,” I told him.

“Why? She’s a girl,” he told me.

“Yes, but sometimes they hurt little girls too. And we don’t want Cat to get hurt do we?” I asked him.

“No. I love Catty,” he told me.

“Then why don’t you go play with her and I’ll take a shower and come out and play with you guys in a little bit ok?” I asked him.

“Ok,” he said, “I love you too you know?”

“I know, I love you too bud,” I said getting up and walking him to my bedroom door, shutting it behind him.

I looked at my alarm clock it was nine. I had gotten maybe four hours of actual sleep but, if he was up I didn’t want Louis being anywhere near them without Karen or me around. Not after last night. Not after he had looked at me like that. I hated to think of him alone with them.

If he could look at me like that how did I know he wouldn’t look at them like that? That he wouldn’t scoot close to them until their hearts felt like hummingbird wings in their chest, until they couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. I didn’t and I wasn’t going to take the chance that he wouldn’t so I sighed going into my bathroom and starting my shower.

I made it as quick as possible drying myself off and hanging my towel back on the towel rack before I opened the door shutting it quickly my heart hammering when I saw him standing in my bedroom. He must have heard me shut the door because after a second I heard a knock on it.

“Will? Why don’t you come out here? Karen wanted me to ask you if she would make bacon or sausage,” he told me.

“Tell her bacon,” I said through the door.

“Ok,” he answered and than said after a moment of silence, “You have a nice room. It’s very clean.”

“Thanks. I’m huh, naked so can you just like…go tell her about the bacon?” I asked him.

He laughed lightly, “I have two little brothers one of them a little older then you. I promise I’ve seen a naked boy before.”

That wasn’t the point. He knew that wasn’t the point. I didn’t want to be naked in front of him. I didn’t want to be naked in front of anyone really. Especially not him or anyone that was related to any of that.

“Could you? Please?” I asked him.

“Yeah. Of course,” he said.

I waited until I heard his steps recede until I heard him shut the door before I came out. I tried to be as fast as possible getting dressed pretty sure he was coming back and sure enough just as I pulled my shirt out of my dresser he opened the door without knocking making me jump around 10 feet in the air.

“Are you really going to wear that?” he asked looking at me.

“What?” I asked.

“That,” he said snatching my shirt out of my hand, “I mean it’s long sleeved why would you wear that? It’s not even that cold outside let alone in your actual house.”

I felt my face burning red as I folded my arms over my chest. I felt like I wanted to cry. What was he doing? Why wouldn’t he just leave me alone?

“Papa was right. You’re very beautiful,” he said taking a step forward causing me to take a step back hitting my dresser with my back.

He took another step forward and I felt my eyes go wide, “I just told you you’re beautiful. Are you going to say anything?” he asked me as he put his hand against my cheek.

Say anything? Was I supposed to thank him? I mean I’m sure in his eyes that was a compliment but it my eyes it wasn’t. In my eyes it felt like him trying to make an excuse. My brain blanked out as I looked at him trying to figure out what I was going to say and all I came up with was…

“Can I have my shirt back?”

“You are shy,” he said his smile growing, “It’s ok. You look nice without it.”

I remember thinking about how that wasn’t true. I was scrawny. Being around 5’1 almost 5’2 already at that age my limbs seeming long and lanky. I didn’t look nice without my shirt and I didn’t feel comfortable without it. I just wanted my shirt back and was about to tell him that when he pressed his lips to mine first a small peck and then he deepened it.

I put my hands against his chest trying to push him away push him off me when my door opened again without knocking and then I heard a screech as Louis shoved me backwards into the dresser, my side hitting it as I fell under the force of his shove landing on the ground as he threw my shirt at me.

“What is wrong with you kid?” he asked me as I stared at him wide eyed before I glanced at the door where Karen was standing, “Like I know you have issues but are you serious? Calling me in here to help you find a shirt and then kissing me like that? I’m not gay, thanks. And if I was I would not be ok with someone your age,” Louis hissed at me.

“Your Da has screwed you up you fucking little faggot!” Karen yelled at me, “Hitting on my boyfriend? What the fuck is wrong with you you little butt fucker!!! You know what they do to people who assault and sexually harass people? They send them to jail. You want to go to jail?” she barked continuing to scream at me, “You want to go to jail you little shit? Because that’s where you belong. Come here,” she said grabbing me forcefully by the elbow as I barely managed to pull my shirt over my head and pulling me to my feet.

“Karen, the kids obviously…” Louis started 

“NO! he just assaulted you. I don’t care if he’s a kid or not. I’m taking him downstairs and my Dad is going to have a very serious talk with him about this,” Karen said dragging me from the room.

“Ka…”

“I don’t want to hear it!” she hissed at me pulling me down the hall to the lift and punching the button, “You’re lucky you’re a kid or I would fucking kick your ass right now. Maybe that’s what you want though. You like people touching your ass? You want it up the butt don’t you? You little shit. No wonder your brothers are so fucking screwed up. You’re probably sleeping with James aren’t you? Touching him. That’s why he wants to be in your bed all the time isn’t it? That’s why you don’t kick him out. You’re molesting your own little brother. Disgusting!” she continued to yell at me.

She wouldn’t even let me speak. He had forced me to kiss him and now she wouldn’t even let me defend myself.

“I didn’t do it!” I finally managed to get out as I started crying.

“I SAW IT! You sick little fuck!” she hissed at me.

“NO, I DIDN”T!” I begged her, “I didn’t do it!”

“Whole family of fucking liars!” she hissed as the lift opened on the 2nd floor and she walked over to the guest room door knocking on it.

“DAD!” Karen screamed, “DAD!”

“I’m down here Karen, what are you shouting about sweety?” Hank said from down in the kitchen as she dragged me down the hallway towards his voice practically throwing me down the stairs at him.

“Woah, Karen you need to calm down. What happened?” he asked her.

“This fucking little faggot kissed my boyfriend. Louis looked absolutely terrified!” she screeched.

“You need to calm down. Louis is a grown man I’m sure he can take care of himself,” Hank said.

“I don’t care. Tell this little brat what happens to rapists maybe that will set him straight. I don’t want to see his fucking face again today,” Karen hissed turning around and stomping back up the stairs.

“I di…” I started to say as Ben came up behind me and punched me in the face.

“That’s for being an asshole. You don’t step out on a contract! NEVER! I didn’t give you up so you could fuck around. You hear me?” he shouted the impact of his fist forcing me to the ground again.

I didn’t have any fight left in me. I didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t kissed him. Was he going to tell Lionel? Was Lionel going to think this was my fault and then make everything that must worse on Friday?

“I DIDN”T I SWEAR I DIDN”T PLEASE I DIDN”T DO IT!! I DIDN”T DO IT!!!” I screamed not even daring to get up off the floor where I had fallen. I knew he probably hit me again.

“You’re a fucking shit,” Ben hissed at me, “You know what? How about we call him? See what he thinks about all of this?” he said turning and grabbing the phone that he started dialing.

“Oh come on Ben it wouldn’t be the first time Louis has gotten handsy and he’s a pretty boy. You can’t really believe it was his fault,” Hank sighed.

“I don’t give a shit. I’m not allowed to touch him but Louis is? That’s bullshit,” Ben said before there was a sound on the phone, “Yeah, Lionel?” he muttered, “Karen, Hanks daughter just brought my nephew down here said she caught him playing tonsil hockey with your oldest grandson. Can I ask… ok, fine, Yeah here he is. It’s for you.” Ben hissed at me as he thrusted the phone into my face.

“Hello?” he asked.

I sighed I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to cry where he could hear me either so I tried to quiet my sobs but he must have heard me sniffle.

“Oh little one it’s ok. I know it wasn’t you. You would never do that to me because you’re a good boy. I know it wasn’t your fault. There’s no need to be upset,” he said quietly, “Don’t worry about a thing ok? Has anyone else touched you?”

“N---no,” I barely managed to stammer.

“Good,” he said after a minute of silence, “How about you go sit somewhere quietly and I’ll talk to your uncle?”

I stood up as I handed the phone over to my Uncle Ben. I went and sat in the living room trying to calm myself down as I hiccupped. He didn’t blame me. Louis had kissed me and he didn’t blame me but everyone else sure seemed to be. I just wanted it all to go away. And Karen thought I was molesting James? What if she told mum that? Would mum believe her? Or would she believe me?

Even thinking about it made me feel sick to my stomach. How could she think I wanted to do that to him? I would never do that to him. Not ever. I would kill myself before I ever did that to anyone. Did she even realize how bad that made you feel? Even if it didn’t physically hurt how bad it tore you apart inside? How could she even imagine that I would do that? Just thinking that someone could believe I would do that made me so angry and so upset. I started crying again this time silently as I sat on the couch. I still didn’t have any idea where John was and mum wasn’t due home until tomorrow. I felt completely and utterly alone not even my younger siblings around to tell me it was ok. That I wasn’t the person Karen had accused me of being. That they believed me because no one else did. No one that mattered.

I could hear Ben fighting with Lionel over the phone for a while as I sat there thinking to myself until I heard a light knock on the threshold to the living room, “Hey,” Hank said quietly holding a cup, “Can I come in?”

I looked at him and my eyes must have showed my fear, “You’re under a no touch order even if I wanted to I’m not allowed to put as much as a hair on my head near your body. I just brought you hot chocolate. Used to cheer Karen up when she was feeling down and she was your age,” he said setting two cups down on the coffee table before he sat in a recliner to the right of the sofa I was sitting on.

“Thanks,” I managed to say quietly.

“Look I don’t know what happened but, just know that Karen is…she’s sheltered ok? She doesn’t …she see’s what she wants to see. It’s one of the things I love about her,” he told me.

“I didn’t do it,” I said quietly.

“I’m sure you didn’t,” Hank said, “I know we haven’t talked a lot but, you seem like a good kid. I think you’re smart and I think you’ve had things explained to you enough that you wouldn’t cause trouble. I think you understand a lot of things other kids probably don’t. So why don’t you sit here and calm down ok?”

“You don’t think I did it?” I asked him.

“No,” he said, “I don’t think you did it. So just stay here, watch some TV and in a few hours after Karen has cooled off you can head back upstairs.”

“Can I ask you something?” I asked him figuring this was my chance to find out where John was, what was happening to him. If he was ok or not.

“Sure. I can’t tell you I’ll answer but ask away,” Hank said.

“Where is John?” I asked him quietly looking at the carpet under my feet sighing. I really hoped that didn’t make him mad.

I heard him exhale heavily me avoiding looking at him so I didn’t have to see how mad he was, how upset the question made him before he answered, “He’s fine. He’s safe and he’ll be back with you guys in no time. That’s all you need to know ok?”  
I nodded my head. I didn’t want to push it. I knew it was a lie. That wherever he was he wasn’t safe but he was wherever Uncle Ben and Hank wanted him to be. He was probably in the house somewhere. Probably downstairs and I knew it from Hanks answer. Because where else would he do those sort of things to John? I sat down there for maybe 20 or 30 minutes before I decided I was hungry making myself a snack from the downstairs fridge and after that the com rang out.

“Dad it Karen, are you there?” I heard her ask and waited for Hank to come back from wherever he was but he didn’t, “Fine you little shit you can come upstairs. I can’t take the screaming anymore so come and calm James down.” She said addressing me.  
I sighed but took that permission that I was allowed back upstairs and when the lift opened on the fourth floor I could hear the shierking and screaming all the way down the hall, “I WANT WILLY WHERE IS WILLY HE”S GONE WHY IS HE GONE HE CAN”T BE GONE, HE SAID AS LONG AS WE”RE TOGETHER AND WE”RE NOT TOGETHER WE”RE NOT…” he screamed until he ran out of breath and the floor filled with silence before he let out a wordless shierk. I ran into his bedroom, noticing how quiet the floor was besides his screaming, his screams of panic and terror.

“I’m right here bud,” I said going into his room and hugging him, “I’m right here it’s ok.”

“He was here,” he barely whimpered.

“What makes you think he was here?” I asked him quietly.

“You…you said as long as we-hiccup-were-hiccup to-together it w-would be ok. But you were gone s-s-so i-ittt w-wasn’t ok,” he whimpered, “s-s-ssso he h-had ttt-to be he-he-here.”

“No he wasn’t here. Karen was just mad. That’s all so she sent me downstairs. He wasn’t here I promise. He’s with mum and Da he wasn’t here at all. You were scared he was because I disappeared?” I asked him and he nodded his head.

“H-h-he ww-was going to hur-hurt you and th-th-then c-c-come get me,” he sniffled.

“No, bud. He was never here. We’re safe. We’re ok. I’m ok,” I told him “Shhh…it’s ok. It’s ok.”

I cradled him in my lap rocking him gentle as he finished crying it out. He seemed so terrified. So concerned that I had been hurt. That I had been taken away from him. And Karen thought this was how a kid acted towards someone that was hurting them? She knew nothing about psychology. No, this was a kid that was beyond terrified someone would hurt him if I wasn’t there. Or that someone was hurting me because I wasn’t there. This wasn’t a kid who was scared of me, just of everything else.

“It’s ok buddy,” I said climbing into his bed with him under the covers, “It’s ok. We’re safe.”

“You promise?” he managed to ask me after a few minutes, after he had started to calm down.

“I promise,” I told him.

“Why don’t we think of something good. You have anything good you want to think about?” I asked him.

“You’re safe,” he told me cuddling me.

“Besides me. How about we play a game, if you could choose anyone to go in your safe castle with you besides me, who would you choose?” I asked him.

“I’m tired I think,” he told me.

“I know but answer the question. Think hard about it,” I told him.

He was silent for a minute or two with his eyes closed as I ran my hand through his hair trying to soothe him, trying to make him feel safe and loved. After a minute he sighed.

“Robby,” he told me.

I smiled, “Who is Robby?”

“He’s my friend. You met him once. On the playground,” he notified me.

I thought hard to recall. A little boy with brown hair and dark eyes. I remembered that, I did I remembered him.

“Why Robby?” I asked him.

“Because I’m going to marry him,” he told me.

I had to stifle my own laughter. I didn’t want to explain to him that six year olds couldn’t get married let alone get into the discussion of why men couldn’t marry other men but it was a cute answer. I thought about it for a second and smiled into the crown of his head before I kissed it, “Ok bud whatever you say.”

“Will you cuddle with me?” he asked me sleepily and at that I did laugh a little bit.

“We are,” I pointed out.

“Ok,” he said yawning, “I love him though. Robby. I mean I love you too but I love you like a brother and I love him different so I’m going to marry him.”

“How about you just close your eyes and we’ll nap ok?” I asked him.

“That sounds…” he trailed off his speech slowing down, “nice.” And with that he let out a big sigh and his whole body relaxed against mine as he started to drift off to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will and Karen have a big blow out and Karen continues to insist that John and Will are liars. She accuses Will of doing more things, things he would never even think of doing before she steps out to go on a smoke break leaving the boys alone upstairs with Louis and and Uncle Ben before John finally reappears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 10 to 30. **Chapter 17 for John's POV part 1. Warnings: mentions off script rape of an 8 year old, child sexual abuse, mental health issues, bullying, swearing, self esteem issues**

I must have drifted off to sleep after a while myself because next thing I knew I was being pulled from the bed by arm.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Karen hissed at me.

“We were napping,” I answered looking at James who looked super scared.

“I wanted you in your own room so I didn’t have to see your pervert face,” she spat, “Go to your own room.”

“NO!” James shouted at her, “NO! He’s my brother and he’s not a pervert! he’ll protect me.”

“Protect you from what?” She asked him.

He went quiet looking at his hands his face turning red. He didn’t like being asked about it. About the stuff going on. However, it had been drilled into us from the start that you didn’t talk about it with people. The things that Da made us do. The things that Da let Lionel do.

“Protect you from what James? Answer me,” she said.

“I-I-I don’t, he said as long as we’re together we’re safe. I want to be safe. Willy keeps me safe Karen.”

She sighed sitting down on the bed in the spot where she had just pulled me from by my arm, “Is this about your Da again?”

“We’re not allowed to talk about it,” he told her quietly.

“It’s already been talked about. I talked to my Dad and he said that he has never met a more upstanding man then your Da so he seriously doubts that he would ever hurt any of you and he’s going to be having a serious talk with all of your older brothers about spreading these ideas that he would ev…what happened to your eye?” Karen asked glaring at me.

“You sent me downstairs and I got punched in the face by my uncle. What exactly did you think was going to happen Karen?” I hissed at her.

“Another lie. He would never hit you. I truly doubt your Da would let him be around if he was violent,” Karen said.

At that point, I was done. I had dealt with Karen and her accusations of both of us lying more than enough. This bitch was bipolar or something because her mind about the whole thing was changing so fast and so often it was giving me whip lash. I stood up as tall as I could looking at her and then I smiled at James.

“Bud, why don’t you go to the kitchen. Karen did say she was coming to get you for food, didn’t she?” I asked him.

“No, she said she wanted you away from me,” he told me.

“Well,” Karen sighed, “That is why I came in here to get you so …”

“What about you?” James asked me.

“I’ll be there in a minute. Don’t worry this will only take a second,” I said as he got up and took my hand and I walked him to his bedroom door and shut the door behind him.

“Listen you need to stop. You don’t want to believe your Da fucks little boys fine. But don’t you dare fucking tell me my Uncle didn’t hit me. I was there and you weren’t. I was lucky he didn’t rape me. You handed me to him on silver platter. Because regardless of what you want to believe my Da has done horrible things to me and not just to me myself but my brothers. All of my brothers I’m pretty sure. He’s touched Cat. She has told mum that herself and John and me. So, you want to keep calling us liars that’s fine. But when a real cop finds out and comes knocking on our door to ask about it I’m pointing a finger at you and telling them you fucking knew and you didn’t do anything but call us all liars,” I said.

“Do you even know what rape is?” she asked me.

“It’s when you shove your dick or your tongue or you finger or anything else in someone when they don’t want you to. Yeah, I’m very aware of what rape is. Or when you use your mouth somewhere a person doesn’t want your mouth to be. Even though I think that’s more classified as sexual assault.” I answered her.

Just then the com buzzed before Uncle Ben spoke into the speak, “Karen? What’s your code?”

Karen sighed and opened the door walking out of the room and over to the com before she hit the button, “4134, why are you asking?” she asked him.

“I have some stuff I’d like to discuss with Louis. I want to hear the whole story here,” he said into the com, “I’ll be up in a second. If you want to take a break for a few minutes that’s fine. I can watch everyone.”

She smiled, “I get a smoke break. Finally,” she looked at me, “You accuse him of anything else I’m quitting.”

He came upstairs using the lift. Did this mean he was allowed to hurt me? Had he talked to Lionel again? Had he given him permission? No, no no no.

“Karen, you should stay,” I said coming out of the bedroom behind her to beg her to stay. Not to leave us up here with Uncle Ben and Louis alone.

“I need a break. The babies are fine. I just fed and changed them. The toddlers are down for their nap. It’ll be no more than 30 minutes,” she tried to assure me, “If anything he should be the one that’s worried. For all I know you’re going to accuse him of murdering your imaginary friend next.”

Just then the lift opened.

“Well, I’ll be back,” Karen said stepping into the lift, “It’ll be fine.”

The lift shut behind her.

“What are you doing?” I asked him.

“I need to blow off some steam,” he told me as he walked past me barely looking at me and marching into the living room where Mike and Matt were playing video games quietly for once. Matt was the first to look over and see him standing there.

“Uncle Ben…”

“Not now Matt. Mike what are you doing sweetie?” he asked quietly.

“Uncle Ben no,” Matt said shaking his head as Mike set the controller he was holding down on the coffee table and started to back up slowly as Uncle Ben started to walk towards him.

“You’ve got to be kidding me. Ben don’t you…”

“YOU LOST THE RIGHT TO CALL ME THAT WHEN YOU DECIDED TO FLAUNT YOUR LITTLE ASS IN FRONT OF MY BOSS!” he hissed at me causing me to balk at him.

Was that really what they all thought of me? That I wanted Lionel to do that? That I wanted to be with him, to have sex with him? I didn’t. That was the last thing I ever wanted.

“Come on Mike, I won’t hurt you. You know if you’re good I won’t hurt you,” Uncle Ben said to him holding out his hand to Mike.

“Uncle Ben can I come too?” Matt asked.

He shook his head at Matt, “I want alone time with him. I’m tired of you always sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong. Maybe next time ok?”

“Uncle Ben please? He’s not like me. He doesn’t…please? Just please take me instead, ok?” Matt begged him.

“Mike, now,” he said to which Mike sighed.

Mike stepped forward trying to walk past Ben and Ben grabbed him by the waist and whispered something in his ear. I saw Matt out of the corner of my eye as Uncle Ben grabbed Mike and threw him over his shoulder and he started screaming. Matt’s eyes going wide in horror before they went small and cold as Ben carried Mike down the hallway and into his room.

“I hope your happy. This is your fault,” Matt spat at me.

“How is this my fault?” I asked him, “I’m not the one whose about to hurt him.”

“He’s going to rape him! He’s never…Mike’s never done that before. I’m always there. I always…because it doesn’t bother me. If you weren’t such a tease this wouldn’t be happening. This wouldn’t be…it’s your fault if he gets hurt. It’s on you,” Matt spat before he ran down the hall into his own bedroom slamming the door.

I didn’t know what to think. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe it wouldn’t have happened if Lionel had never met me. Maybe it would be me instead because then I wouldn’t be off limits and Mike would still be ok. Because I knew after this, it wouldn’t be ok anymore. I sighed going into the kitchen to get a drink and found James hiding behind the counter between the fridge and the rest of the room his knees pulled to his chest and eyes closed. I had forgotten I had sent him out of his room to yell at Karen. Karen who had decided to go on a smoke break.

“Are you ok?” I asked James who shook his head at me as he stared at his knees, “It’s ok. He won’t hurt you.”

“Not now,” he said quietly, “He’s like Da though and him. He’ll hurt me later. I know he will. He’s going to hurt him a lot. Like He did. I know he will.”

“And we’ll be there for him. Both of us, like John and I were there for you ok?” I told him.

Just then I heard a door open and thought that maybe Ben had changed his mind standing up and finding Louis coming out of the nursery. He hadn’t. I hoped to god he hadn’t done anything to any of them. I don’t know why it hadn’t occurred to me before that he might be in the nursery alone with them but, it just hadn’t.

“Will,” Louis said smiling at me, “Everything ok?”

I snorted or something making a noise at him and shaking my head as I reached down and picked James up to take him to my room. My room where if I wasn’t alone I would feel safe because I was clothed and James would be with me. And because Louis wasn’t supposed to touch me anyway. 

“Will I’m sorry. About earlier,” Louis said.

“You’re just sorry you got caught,” I hissed.

“Got caught doing what?” James asked from my arms.

“Nothing bud,” I said shaking my head.

“She only see’s what she wants to see,” Louis said shrugging his shoulders, “Even though I’m probably in a bit of a hot spot with my grandfather but, I think it’ll be all right.”

“I bet,” I spat.

“If I were you I wouldn’t so happy it. It means you’re his for sure. What do you think is going to happen to you when that bit of information gets out? You’ll have 0 friends because my grandpa doesn’t like people messing with his things. You’re not a person anymore. You’re just a toy. Enjoy it.” He said before he walked past me and into the living room.

I wanted to be mad at him but, I knew he was right. That to Lionel I was just a toy, a thing to use until he got bored of me. The only thing I could hope for was he got bored of me fast. Was that he decided after the trip to the zoo I wasn’t worth his time. That he didn’t want me.

I took James into my room, carried him there. He didn’t say anything as we climbed into my bed together letting me cuddle him because he could sense I needed him. That I was deep in thought. We stayed there silent for hours. I didn’t fall asleep but eventually James did probably because he was being held and it was warm and quiet. I don’t remember hearing Mike scream even once. I don’t even remember hearing the lift turn on and then off again and then on again as Karen came back upstairs and Uncle Ben left. I don’t really remember anything until heard yelling in the hall.

“Will? Will you come out here please,” John called down the hallway.

I sighed untangling myself from James who was still asleep. I was tired. I felt like maybe he would blame me too. Tell me what had happened to Mike was my fault. That if I had been behaved none of this would be happening. That maybe Karen was my fault too. It felt like everything was my fault and I was tired of being blamed. I opened the door and walked over to where him and Karen were standing.

“What?” I asked him quietly wrapping my arms around myself as John looked at me a frown contorting his features.

“Who hit you?” He asked me.

“He claims your uncle did that,” Karen spat.

“He did! Shut up fuck face!” I hissed at her.

At that point I had, had enough. I was tired of being blamed for everything that was going wrong. Of being blamed for Louis shoving his tongue down my throat. For uncle Ben being mad, for Mike and Matt being his new targets. I was tired of being called a tease and whore and everything else you could think of and I was tired of knowing that if I had just been more careful maybe none of this stuff would be happening.

“At least I don’t dream of getting it up the ass from my relatives,” she shot back.

Before I could reply John shook his head angrily and spoke, “Karen are you fucking five? He’s 11. Shut your fucking mouth.”

“Said the 13-year-old,” she said turning back to John.

“Oh, dear god Karen. If you don’t believe us that’s fine but please just get out of our faces about it, ok?” John said calmly still shaking his head.

“Well, it’s kind of hard to believe people who hang out with my brother,” Karen said.

I saw John clench his fists. At first, I thought he was going to hit her. His face turning slightly red like it did when he got really angry and had since we were little before he barked at her, “KAREN!”

Then he did something I had never seen him do before. Something that he usually never did in front of people anyway. He lifted his shirt up. I was behind Karen so I didn’t get to see her face but I see John’s chest heaving. He was probably closing his eyes, bracing himself for something bad to happen like it probably would have if Da or uncle Ben had been around before he put his shirt back down.

“Does this look like a lie to you?” he asked her as he lowered his shirt, his face still slightly red probably from embarrassment.

“No fucking way,” she muttered barely above a whisper.

I wouldn’t believe he had done that. That he had pulled the attention away from me by exposing himself like that. Letting someone see his body. That had taken guts. He didn’t even look at me turning and walking over to his bedroom before he shut the door hard leaving me standing in the hall with Karen who was probably staring ahead of her, her mouth on the ground because it was still open wide when she turned to look at me.

“Well, that was unexpected,” she managed to say after a minute or two.

“That’s all you have to say?” I asked her.

“What else am I supposed to say? For all I know he got attacked by a dog,” she said.

“I’m pretty sure dogs don’t bite you under your nipple like that,” I said.

She opened her mouth to say something and shut it thinking better of it before she tried again, once again coming up with nothing before she sighed heavily. The com crackled and John came back out of his room.

Karen turned to look at him, “Rough sex?”

“How many 13-year old’s do you know that are having sex?” John shot at her as he stepped into the elevator and disappeared behind the closing doors.

I sighed walking down the hallway. I was hungry and it was past the point where dinner should have been ready. I mean there had been a lot going on but, I really wanted food and was pretty sure everyone else was probably hungry as well. The lift kicked back to life shortly after. 

When John stepped off the lift he stepped off with Pat who turned to look at Karen who had just entered the kitchen.

“Hi bitch, how are you today?” Pat said to her causing my mouth to drop open.

Granted Karen was a huge bitch and we all knew it but I wasn’t about to tell her that to her face. I wasn’t about to call anyone a bitch to their face. That took a lot of guts. Even if it was his older sister.

She blinked at him, “Excuse me? You know what dad would do if he heard you call me that?”

“You don’t know half of it Karen so shut up,” Pat shot back.

John sighed putting his hand on Pat’s fore arm drawing Pat’s attention himself. I sighed. There it was again. It made me wonder how long he had been there. If they had figured out how they felt about each other yet. I almost wanted to tell them then and there to get a room and then John spoke.

“Can we just go to my room?” he asked Pat as he looked at him.

“Yeah,” Pat agreed giving him a small smile, “let’s.”

So, they were getting a room. That meant they had figured it out and it had only taken them what? A week. Not the longest by far but still seemed like a while to me from the way they had looked at each other the first time they saw each other. I personally wasn’t sure what to think of it but was pretty sure, “can we just go to my room” was code for “I want to make out with you and possibly touch you under your clothes.”

I cleared my throat. This was going to be awkward. I mean John deserved a break but, I still wasn’t sure what to think about him with someone.

“I see,” Karen said picking up on the same thing I was probably seeing, “Does dad know?”

“Know what?” John asked her frowning before a look of understanding crossed his face, “Oh, we haven’t done anything.” He told her as Pat nodded his head beside him.

“Really? I think your chest is telling a different story John,” she said, “Wait until I tell your mom. I wonder what she will think.” Karen told them giving them a devious smile.

Yeah, she was a major bitch. What business was it of hers? And why would she tell my mum? It was bullshit. The whole thing was bullshit.

“No, it’s really not like that,” John insisted.

“John, it’s no use explaining anything to her. She doesn’t care. She will believe whatever she wants to believe,” Pat told John shaking his head.

“But it’s really not like that. You know that Pat,” John said shaking his head actually looking hurt, “It’s not fair.”

“Yeah? Well, she’s quitting anyway so why does she matter?” Pat pointed out, “Who can she tell that doesn’t have a slight idea and like you said we haven’t done anything.”

“Can we talk about this in my room?” John asked Pat.

“Karen? Can you please just leave them alone and make some dinner for us?” I asked her.

“That’s disgusting. That they would…ewww,” she said shaking her head.

“Karen, food please?” I asked her.

“Yes, I’ll make mac and cheese. Can you make some hotdogs please?” she asked me.

“Karen, I’m not sure I want to do anything for you. I didn’t kiss…”

“I saw it. It looked like you were trying to hold onto him. Make him kiss you,” she said.

“He could have easily hurt me. Why would he let me assault him?” I asked her.

“Because he was afraid of hurting you. He’s a nice guy. He would never want to hurt anyone. I honestly am not happy that you’re even up here with him. For all I know you’re going to drag him into a room alone and try to assault him again,” Karen told me.

“Karen,” I said feeling defeated, “I won’t touch him ok? I’m going to stay either where you can see me or I’ll be in my room. That way you don’t have to worry about it, ok? But please just don’t bring it up again. It’s embarrassing.”

“Deal. Will you please help me cook the hotdogs? All you have to do is poke them with a fork and put them in the pot. I’ll boil them and get them cooked ok?” She asked me.

“Deal,” I said nodding my head before I got the hotdogs ready and on the stove.

Just as I walked out of the kitchen to go sit down Matt came up to me and cleared his throat, “Yes?” I asked him.

“Because it’s your fault you need to call Dr. Palmer. Because Mike is sore. He’s never had it happen like that before and he’s scared. John is with him right now,” he told me.

I sighed. Of course, it was still my fault. Matt was right though. If he was sore he needed medical attention to make sure he wasn’t bleeding or that there wasn’t any damage that would become a problem later. I turned around and went back into the kitchen picking up the phone and dialing the number on the sticky note on the fridge. Instead of calling the first one deciding to call the one that said cell.

“H-Hello?” Dr. Palmer himself asked into the phone.

“Hi Dr. Palmer it’s Will McGregor. Uncle Ben…earlier he. He hurt Mike and someone needs to come and make sure he’s ok,” I said as Karen snatched the phone from me without saying a word.

“Dr. Palmer ignore them. The whole lot of them need some psychological help. His Uncle was up here for may…Ok. Yes, I understand. All right. No, I won’t argue. Ok when you get here I’ll let you up. Thank you,” she said slamming the phone down.

“He said to tell you that if there is anything seriously wrong to call 911 but otherwise you have to wait about an hour. I can’t believe you called a fucking doctor over probably something that’s completely in your head,” she told me.

“You really think it’s in my head? Why don’t you go check on him? Make sure he’s ok,” I told her.

“You’re probably the one who did it,” she told me.

“Karen I’m 10,” I told her.

“So? What does that have to do with anything?” she asked me.

“Karen I’m 10 I can’t…” I sighed trying to figure out how to explain it without embarrassing myself.

Trying to figure out how to explain I had never penetrated anyone and I doubted I could. But the more she stared at me the more I realized how odd that seemed that I thought I couldn’t. I was 10 but I had started puberty. I could ejaculate, I very well could have. I felt my face heating up as I thought about it. About how I really seriously could.

“I wouldn’t,” I said shaking my head, “I…never.”

“You were the one who told me about that remember?” she asked me, “Mr. pubescent.”

“I still wouldn’t!” I insisted.

“Your whole family is way beyond fucked up. How do I know what you would and wouldn’t do?” she asked me.

“You know me Karen,” I said.

“I know you’re moody. I know you can…well that you’re a young man. I also want to believe that you would care about them enough not to do that but, look at how you’ve been raised if what your brother Matt said is true,” Karen pointed out to me.

“It hurts though. I wouldn’t ever want to hurt them. Not any of them,” I said quietly.

“Well either way Dr. Palmer is coming over I suppose?” she asked me.

“Yes,” I answered.

“I’ll deal with it when he gets here,” she told me sighing, “I supposed it doesn’t hurt anyone to have him check on Mike.”

“Thank you,” I said.

“I would like you to tell Louis you are sorry though,” she told me.

“For what?” I asked her, “Not kissing back? I don’t know how you can think…” she cut me off.

“Because I know him. He wouldn’t do that. He likes me he doesn’t like little boys ok? So, if you just tell him you’re sorry you and I can let it go so I can work my last week, next week in peace,” she told me.

“You’re quitting that soon?” I asked her.

“Yes, your mum is starting to feel more at ease being here. Less stressed and she said she felt like it would better to have just you guys and her. There’s a lot going on here that I can’t handle. I’ve talked to my Dad about it and he’ll see what he can do to help you guys but, I can’t be involved in this anymore. Not when I can’t trust you and John and have trouble deciding what of the things you two say is true and what isn’t,” she told me, “I don’t think your bad kids. Either of you, really. I just think you have problems and I don’t know how to deal with them or how to help you. Or even if you’re safe to be around your younger siblings and none of those are my call to make so I have to leave. You understand that don’t you?” Karen asked me.

I had only seen this side of her once before. The first time she mentioned telling her Dad about what our da was doing to us. How she had pointed out I did things I didn’t need to do in order to take care of our siblings. How I never stopped moving, stopped picking up after them or cleaning even if I was giving them direct care like changing their nappies or feeding them. Something told me that her distain for us, for John and I wasn’t really distain but more confusion. Over what she could do to help us.

“I should go let everyone know what’s up,” I said to her before I walked away down the hallway. I knocked on the door but no one answered, my knock so quiet they probably didn’t hear it over their own quiet chatter.

When I opened the door, John was sitting on the bed with Mike’s head in his lap rubbing his hair as Matt sat by Mike’s feet. Mike’s eyes were closed but I could tell he was in pain. That whatever Uncle Ben had done it had really hurt. Matt glared daggers at me.

I knew Matt blamed me. He had told me himself that he thought it was my fault because I was off limits otherwise it would have been me. We all knew it would have been me. It wasn’t a secret that Ben liked me. I chose to just ignore him sighing heavily as they all looked at me as Pat looked up at me from the floor.

“Dr. Palmer is coming. He said it might take him a while to get here though, that if he’s bleeding we should call 911,” I informed them.

“The Villa,” Pat said and John and I both nodded our heads.

We knew the villa was open. That they were probably having some type of party. It was after all the new year. Parties weren’t uncommon during the new year. So, it only made sense to me that they would have their own type of party.

“Should we bathe him?” Pat asked quietly.

John shifted Mike’s weight standing up, “Come on pal, we have to stand you up and make sure you’re not bleeding.”

“He’s not,” Matt said causing Pat and John to look at him.

“How do you know?” Pat asked and I could tell his brow was furrowed in confusion even in the dark.

“They have a twin thing. He probably told him,” John said as Matt nodded his head.

“Weird,” Pat mumbled mostly to himself.

“Always,” John and I said in unison.

Mike shifted grabbing the back of John’s pants and pulling on them, “It hurts,” he said quietly.

“I know pal,” John said moving to sit back down, to pull Mike back into his lap, “It’ll be ok.”

I watched them in silence for a minute from where I was standing by the door way. John really loved all of us so much. Usually the twins kept mostly to themselves but in that moment, I saw Mike leaning on John, depending on John and it reminded me of just how small they were. Just how important John was not just to me but to them too.

He really cared. He really loved us. He wanted to be there for him. To take away his pain if he could. And it was pain I had caused. Maybe not directly but I felt responsible for it. If it hadn’t been for the leader Uncle Ben would have come to me and Mike would have been safe from it, from that pain for just a little bit longer. I felt so angry about that. Almost like I wanted to scream. It wasn’t fair that he had done that to him. Mike who would never hurt anyone. Mike, who just like James was one of the sweetest kids you could ever meet.

I could see the pain in John’s face as he sighed closing his eyes as he ran his hand through Mike’s hair. As he tried his best to comfort him. To convince him that it would be ok. John didn’t like seeing them like this, just like I didn’t.

“How long ago did it happen?” John asked Mike and Matt.

“I don’t know a couple hours ago,” Matt said.

“Shouldn’t you call your parents?” Pat asked looking at John as he stood up.

“They’ll be home tomorrow anyway so I’m not sure if we should,” John answered him, “Mike do you want me to call mum and Da?”

“No, Da will be mad,” Mike mumbled before turning his face away so he was facing the wall as John continued to rub his head.

“Ok Pal, whatever you want. Ok?” John said before bending over his own lap and laying a kiss on Mike’s temple.

Pat sighed and looked at me before he got up. Walking past me out of the door. I shut the door softly behind him. It was just the four of us for a second but I felt like I had to ask him something. Something Matt had told me earlier when he had pointed out that this was happening to Mike and it was my fault.

“Was it really your first time Mike?” I asked him quietly.

“Of course, it was,” Matt nearly hissed at me, “Why would I lie to you? Especially about that he’s never…”

“Matt,” John said shaking his head, “Calm ok? Will didn’t do this. We all feel horrible about it ok?”

“It’s his fault though,” Matt insisted as Mike sat up a little bit his face grimacing. He was in a lot of pain, he had to be. 

You never got used to that feeling. The feeling of your anal cavity being empty after been that full for a bit. How your whole body just hurt because you had been so tense for so long under them, not even really sure what was happening, what your body was doing. How scared you were that your body felt those things from something you didn’t think was possible. Thinking about it made me feel sick to my stomach.

“You know it’s not his fault. You know what uncle Ben said last…” Mike started to say as Matt shook his head.

“No, no. He says that all the time. He’s never done it before. He’s never not let me …before. He said he wouldn’t do that to you. Not really. He told me once when it was without you. He said that he’d let me…,” Matt started crying.

“He lied,” Mike said, “He lies. We know he lies. It isn’t Will’s fault he lies. That he…I’ll be ok. I know I’ll be ok.”

“But it hurts. John says it hurts normal people and you’re normal Mike,” Matt said through his tears, “Sometimes I wish you weren’t but you are. You’re not like me.”

“You don’t even really like it Matt. You know deep down you don’t. It just doesn’t really bother you. He’s mean to you. I know he’s mean to you,” Mike said.

“If I just let it happen it’s usually ok though. It’s only when I fight or don’t do what he wants that it hurts. Did you fight him? Is that why he…?”

Mike shook his head, “No. It just…it feels weird.”

“It will for a little bit,” John told him, “It hurts. It doesn’t matter how gentle they are. The first time it always hurts.”

“Yeah,” I said my brain going back to that point. 

The point where I had closed my eyes and held open my hand expecting him to give me a present. To give me something I would like and not shove his tongue down my throat. How scared I was. How panicked I felt when I finally figured out what was happening. I thought about how Mike had just gone through that. How scary it probably was.

I went out into the hallway after a minute of silence shutting the door behind me. I didn’t want to think about that. How it was my fault. How if …I sighed. I tried to let it go. 

There was nothing I could do to change it. The only thing I could do was be there for him. I couldn’t be there for him when I felt like this though. When I felt like it was all my fault.

I was standing against the wall outside the door when Louis walked by walking towards the lift, “I’m leaving,” he told me.

“Good. You should go,” I said to him.

“I really am sorry. You know that, right?” he barely whispered to me.

“I’m sorry too,” I said.

I didn’t know what I was saying sorry for other than it seemed like everything was my fault. Like I should have been smart enough to stay in the bathroom. Like I should have been smart enough to not shower when he was there. Not after the night before when he asked if he could be my friend in that way, with that tone in his voice. With the way, he kept scooting closer and closer to me. I should have been smarter than that.

“Well, I’ll probably see you later some time,” Louis said as he walked to the end of the hallway past me and hit the button the lift opening as he stepped inside leaving.

I exhaled deeply as it closed behind him. When I was sure he was gone I went into my room, sitting down my bed only to be alone for a minute or two when James walked by my open door, “Are you ok?” he asked poking his head.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied.

“It’s ok to not be fine. Remember?” he reminded me of what I had told him before.

That made me smile, “Yeah I know. I’m really ok though. I promise.”

“Mike’s hurt,” James said.

“I know,” I said nodding my head.

“Uncle Ben did that thing to him, didn’t he? Like the mean man did to me?” he asked.

“Yeah. And we’ll be there for him just like we were there for you ok?” I told him.

“I want to make him cookies. I like cookies and I didn’t get any cookies when the mean man hurt me but, I wanted them,” he told me.

“That is actually a very nice idea,” I said standing up, “I think we have some cookie mix. You want to go ask Karen if she’ll help us make cookies for Mike because he feels bad?”

“Yeah, I’ll go ask,” James agreed giving me hug before he walked down the hall to the nursery to ask Karen for help just as the com buzzed.

It was the outside com. I could hear the wind blowing around making the com sound static and hard to understand as the person spoke into it, “It’s Dr. Palmer. You guys called for help?”

“Yeah,” I said going over and pushing the button, “I’ll be right there.”

It didn’t take long for me to make my way downstairs and to the front door, unlocking the front gate with a trigger code and letting his car pull up into the drive way as Louis stood watching, waiting. Dr. Palmer hurried out of the driver’s side as soon as he parked and another person got out of the passenger side looking closely at Louis. The guy that got gotten out of Dr. Palmers car glanced at me and then back at Louis. He looked young. Probably the same age as Louis was, maybe slightly younger but his frown deepened when his eyes turned away from me and towards Louis.

“What are you doing here?” the guy asked him.

“Karen is their nanny, I was helping her watch them. Their parents went on a short 2-day vacation with the leader,” Louis answered him, “What are you doing here Flynn?”

“I was out. With Vic,” Flynn said.

“You still hitting that? Vic isn’t he a little old for you?” Louis asked looking at Dr. Palmer as he pulled his medical bag out of boot of his car.

“Whom I spend my time with isn’t your co…” Dr. Palmer stopped speaking as he saw him staring at them from the open front door, “Will are you ok?”

I nodded my head, “Mike’s upstairs.”

“Ok, fourth floor, right?” Dr. Palmer asked me slinging his bag over his shoulder and coming up to the door using his arm to guide me away as I heard Louis and the other guy, Flynn start talking again.

“I can’t believe she’s actually stupid enough to….,” I heard their voices fade away as Dr. Palmer kept pushing me gently away from the door shutting it in front of me.

“Don’t worry about that,” he said, “They know each other.”

“I figured. Did they go to school together?” I asked him quietly.

“That among other things, yes. Louis has a type, it’s a …”

“Brotherhood thing and I’m his type? Like I’m the leaders type,” I said to Dr. Palmer his frown seeming to deepen for just a second before he nodded his head.

“You ok? Did he hurt you?” Dr. Palmer asked me.

“I’m fine,” I said, “He kissed me but otherwise, I’m fine.”

“You’re sure you’re ok? That’s all it was,” Dr. Palmer asked me, pleaded with me.

“I was…it was…,” I took a deep breath trying to calm myself down.

“It’s ok. Take your time,” Vic said.

“I had gotten out of the shower and I was trying to get dressed and he kissed me. Karen walked in and saw it. She told me it was my fault. That I was trying to seduce him,” I admitted to Dr. Palmer.

“That girl. She makes me so angry. I’ve only talked to her a handful of times but every time she makes herself seem like she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed,” Dr. Palmer said.

“She’s about as sharp as an infant spoon,” I agreed to which Dr. Palmer laughed lightly as the door opened behind us, “What happened?”

“Told him off. Told him I didn’t want to hear about him being around here again. I only know what you told me in the car but, it seems bad enough to me already if they’re uncle is Ben. Poor kids already have it hard enough. They don’t need him sniffing around or his nasty grandfathers,” The guy muttered as he looked at Dr. Palmer.

“Sadly, that’s something we can’t prevent. However, we can help the one upstairs for right now,” Dr. Palmer said, “How long ago did it happen? Can you tell me what happened?”

“Uncle Ben asked to see him. I didn’t hear him scream or anything but Matt and him both said it was the first time anyone has ever…penetrated him,” I told Dr. Palmer.

“That poor kid,” Flynn said shaking his head, “Those fucking…how old is that one again?”

“Who are you?” I asked him.

“Oh, sorry. I’m Flynn. I was with Vic when you called him. Am I intruding? I can go wait in the car if you want me to,” Flynn said.

“No, it’s ok. I mean if Louis is out there who knows what he might do right?” I asked him.

“Louis? Louis won’t hurt me kid. I’m worried about him hurting you. You’re just his…”

Dr. Palmer cleared his throat, “Enough of this. Let’s go see how Mike is doing. And to answer your question Mike is 8.”

“That’s too young. That poor kid,” Flynn said shaking his head looking like he was going to cry, “I don’t know how anyone could…”

“I know,” Vic said hugging him, “I know. It upsets me too but right now it’s my job to make sure he’s physically ok. So, we have to go up there all right, button? I’ll take you home after ok?”

I frowned and Dr. Palmer looked up laughing, “Sorry Flynn. I almost…sorry.”

“It’s ok,” Flynn said, “I really wished you hadn’t but, it’s ok.”

“You’re dating?” I asked them.

“Yeah,” Flynn said blushing slightly, “It’s…on going.”

“What’s it like?” I asked Flynn as we climbed the stairs and got into the lift me putting in my code.

Flynn frowned at me, “What do you mean what is it like?”

“I think he means dating someone,” Dr. Palmer answered him knowingly to which I nodded my head even though I felt my face flushing.

What did he think I meant? Having sex? I knew what that was like, kind of. But what was it like holding hands with a guy and kissing him and wanting him to kiss you? What was it like to not be scared of your own body when he hugged you, when you hugged him? Was it good or was it just scary like all of them were? I wanted to know.

Was it wrong I wanted to know? Wanted to know what it was like to actually be with someone you wanted to be with. Flynn sighed looking at me thoughtfully before he answered.

“It’s different. Than a contract, then all of that. It’s nice. He doesn’t scare me. He respects me. It’s strange to get used to but, I can’t imagine going back to a real contract after this. After being with him and him listening to what I want and how I feel,” Flynn answered me honestly, “Is that what you were asking about?”

I nodded my head. I felt better knowing that. Knowing that it was different from them. Because I was afraid it would always be the same. The same scared and panicked I always felt. The same frozen terror.

“Hey, it’s ok. It’s ok to want to know. I remember how scary it is. I do. And it’s nothing like that ok? I promise. You’ll find that special girl and she won’t make anything feel that way ok?” Flynn tried to reassure me.

“What if it’s a guy?” I asked him barely above a whisper.

“Well, then it will be a guy. Nothing wrong with that. I mean I’m with him so you would hope I was at least a little gay,” Flynn said causing Vic to laugh.

“A little gay? You? I love you to death but you are super gay,” Dr. Palmer said before he started laughing heartily and got smacked.

“Be nice to me,” Flynn said as he started laughing to before the lift door opened and we walked out onto the floor both of them turning serious.

They both sighed taking a deep breath as I walked over to Mike’s room and opened the door showing Dr. Palmer inside. I shut it behind him leaving Flynn and I in the hallway alone for a minute before James poked his head out of his bedroom door catching Flynn’s attention as he waved at him sheepishly.

“Who are you?” James asked him.

“I’m Flynn. I’m a friend of Dr. Palmers,” he told James, “Who are you?”

“James,” he answered him, “Are you nice?”

“I like to think so,” Flynn said smiling.

“He seems to be. What do you want Bud?” I asked him.

“It’s almost bedtime. Can you read me a story?” he asked me.

“Did you brush your teeth?” I asked him.

“Do I have to?” he asked me rolling his eyes.

“Yes, yes you have to. I’ll go ask Cat if she wants a bedtime story too ok?” I told him.

“Ok, and I’ll brush my teeth,” he told me before he turned around going back into his room.

“How many of them are there?” Flynn asked me.

“You mean younger than me? Nine,” I answered him.

“Are they all up here?” he asked me his eyes going wide in shock.

“I certainly hope so. Otherwise Karen isn’t doing her job. Don’t worry, five of them are probably already in bed and they don’t walk,” I told him, “I’ll be right back.”

With that I walked away leaving him standing in the hallway as I went over and knocked on Cat’s bedroom door.

“Come in!” she shouted loudly to which I opened the door.

She was sitting at her desk chair two dolls perched on her desk top in her hands. She was already wearing her PJ’s like she had gotten ready for bed but that didn’t mean anything. So, I sighed and looked at her.

“Did you brush your teeth?” I asked her.

“Yeah,” she told me, “Karen said it’s bedtime soon but Jennifer wasn’t done playing. She just put the babies to bed and now her and Tad are going to go to bed soon.”

“I see. Well, would you like a bedtime story? James asked me to read him one,” I told her.

“Yeah,” she said putting Jennifer and Tad down gently and standing up coming over to me and hugging me.

“What is this for?” I asked hugging her back.

“Because I love you,” she said, “My friend Terra said that her older brothers never play tea party with her or anything. She said I should love you guys because you’re all so nice to me. She has an older sister too but she says all her older sister wants to do is go to the mall with her friends.”

“I see. I love you too. Very much, how about we go read that story and then we’ll come back in here and I’ll tuck you in ok?”

“Yeah, that sounds ok,” she told me.

As we were walking by on the way to James’ room I saw John standing in the hallway talking quietly with Flynn. By the time I came out of James’ room to take Cat back into her bedroom and tuck her into bed Flynn and Dr. Palmer were both gone. So, I went to my room to read.

At some point, there was a knock on the door and I turned to look at my clock before I mumbled a tired, “Come in.” to discover that it was close to nine, close to my regular bedtime and I figured it was Karen coming to tell me it was time for lights out but when the door opened I was pleasantly surprised to find mum standing there.

“MUM!” I said loud enough to even startle myself not realizing how much I missed her into I threw myself forward into her arms, “But you weren’t supposed to be back until the morning.”

“I know but we cut it short. I figured we were done partying and we had a nice time but that it was time to come home. To be where I belong. Is everything ok love?” she asked me.

“Yeah,” I answered her.

It felt better to have her home. To know she was home and that it wasn’t Louis or Karen or Uncle Ben and Hank but mum. Mum would make sure we were ok. That everything was ok.

“Can you tell me why Dr. Palmer called me and told me Mike had been hurt?” she asked me.

“Uncle Ben,” I answered.

“That’s what I thought. Your Da didn’t tell me he was around until this afternoon. After that I insisted we leave but he convinced me one more meal with Mr. Lord was needed but I’m here now,” she told me, “Did he hurt you? Did he hurt anyone else? Dr. Palmer told me that Mike is going to have a hard time the next couple of days but that physically he’s experiencing what’s expected.”

Her voice sounded heavy like she wanted to cry but like she was holding it back for me. Because she didn’t want me to worry about it. Because she didn’t want me knowing how badly it upset her to hear that another one of her children had been mistreated, used, raped. She sighed heavily rubbing my back for a minute making sure I couldn’t see her face before she pulled back from me.

“I don’t think he hurt anyone else,” I told her, “John’s friend is here. Patrick.”

“Your Da told me about that too. I was going to go check on him next. I’ve been in to see the babies and figured everyone else was probably sleeping or at least should be. I’ll take a peek at them shortly but, I wanted to check and see how you were,” she explained to me.

“Why me?” I asked her.

“Because you take care of everyone. I know you do and I know it’s not fair to you. It makes me worry about you love. You shouldn’t have to worry about them. That should be my job but, I find a lot of things rely on you and it makes me worry about you. So, I figured I’d come and tuck you in,” she explained, “I’ll try to be a better mum from now on ok? I promise.”

“You’re a great mum,” I told her as she turned over my bed covers and had me climb back in bed.

“Thank you. I try. I love you,” she told me as she kissed my forehead, “Get some sleep.”

“Ok mum. I love you too. Goodnight,” I said as she turned off my lamp and shut my door behind her.

I had probably just fallen asleep when I heard a light knock on my door, “what’s that?” I asked the air before I realized no one had actually come into my room yet and I cleared my throat, “Come in.”

“Hey,” I heard Pat’s voice.

“Yeah?” I asked sleepily.

“Can I ask a favor? I think your mom is kind of upset so could I sleep in your room?” he asked me.

Now that got my attention. What did she have to be upset about? Him being there or…was there something else going on.

“Yeah but you have to explain that to me,” I answered climbing out of bed and turning on the light before I walked into my closet pulling down a bunch of my spare comforters and stuff for him.

“Huh, ok. Let me go tell him you said it was cool. I’ll be right back,” Pat said before he hurried away.

I waited for him with the light on for about 10 minutes before I decided I was going to settle back in and there was no point and waiting up for him. That he would probably wake me up by coming into my room anyway so I turned off the light.

It didn’t take long before my door opened again after a soft knock and Pat came into the room, “You still awake?” he asked me.

“A little bit,” I answered, “So why are you sleeping in my room?” I asked him.

He didn’t turn on the light but climbed into his pile of blankets on the floor and settled in before I heard him sighed heavily, “Well…your mom she walked in on us…we were kissing.” He said after a minute.

“Oh,” I said turning to look at him, “That was a bad idea you realize?”

“That’s all you have to say?” he asked me.

“Neither one of you hid it well. That you like each other,” I confessed.

“Well thanks for pointing it out. That would make me worry if I wasn’t already,” Pat muttered laying down.

“About what?” I asked him.

“We’re property. We’re not allowed to like each other like that. My Dad caught us. And your uncle. They said they wouldn’t say anything if we…,” he sighed heavily taking the pillow out from under his head and covering his face with it.

“Cole said that’s what happened to Justin, that because they liked each other like that they…you know,” I said quietly.

“Yeah,” Pat sighed removing the pillow from his face, “It nearly broke him. Every time he ends up at the Villa he ends up in tears because that’s where…it’s the last place he ever saw him alive. They have a weird big room in the basement Cole says. They called it the morgue because half the people that go into that room don’t come out alive. It was bad. He doesn’t talk about it. There’s a lot of things that go on there that he won’t talk about.”

“So, you really care about him?” I asked Pat.

“Yes,” he said nodding his head, “Like I thought I might but, I wasn’t sure until. Until they both left the room. Left us locked down there together. I could tell he felt weird about it. I mean, I did too but then he gave me this look and he said something and I. God this is weird to talk about.”

“You like him. So, what? It doesn’t have to be a big deal,” I told him.

“I’ve never liked a guy like this before. The first time I saw him I wanted to kiss him,” Pat confessed.

“Yeah, I could tell,” I said to which Pat snorted.

“You could not,” he told me.

“No, I could. Even when you were talking to me you were looking at him. Granted he was looking at you and stuttering like he had gone stupid but, you totally didn’t take your eyes off him,” I said.

“God damn it,” he sighed, “So your dad probably knows too. Awesome.”

“I don’t think he does. He…I don’t know about Da. I think he doesn’t want to believe someone else could want John like that. For who he is and not just for you know,” I said.

“You really think so? What is up with that anyway? I mean most of the men in the brotherhood aren’t into incest. Not like your Da is. Like I think he really loves him. Like really really loves him,” Pat said.

“John is a lot like mum. He wants to believe that the world is good almost like he wants to believe deep down somewhere that Da is different. That Da doesn’t want to be like he is and he can’t help it. Or at least that’s how it used to be when we were at home. I don’t know. I wish I could tell you why but, I can tell you Da loves John more than he loves any of us. John loves everyone he loves so deeply. You have to understand that. I think Da wants that. I don’t know why but I think he does,” I told him.

“I can…I sense that,” Pat said, “About John I mean. He tries so hard to act like he’s ok. Even when he’s falling apart. I’ve watched him fall apart several times and he even tries to hide that. Like he’s trying to protect me from it. Even though we just…it’s only been a week since we met and yet I can’t. I can’t imagine being without him. Living life without him here somewhere.”

“You two have it bad,” said, “You better be careful. If mean they killed Justin what makes you think they wouldn’t kill you two?”

“They probably will if they ever find out. Justin and Cole hid it for years and they hid it well. Art caught them at home in bed one day. He told them he wouldn’t say anything if they…well, you can guess what he wanted them to do. They did it and he told anyway,” Pat explained.

“That’s bull,” I sighed, “You won’t hurt him, right? You’ll try to keep him safe and if you get caught…?”

“I’ll throw myself at them before I let them even consider it being him instead of me. You guys need him. No one needs me. I mean Cole might think he needs me but he can do it without Justin he can keep going without me.”

“I don’t know,” I said before I let out a huge yawn on accident, “excuse me.”

“You’re tired. We should go to sleep,” Pat said, “So you don’t think this is bad?”

“If you hurt him I’ll kill you otherwise no,” I told him.

“I wouldn’t expect anything less,” Pat sighed, “Goodnight Will.”

“Goodnight,” I said before rolling over and falling asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will feels mad at Teddy who mentions something that Will has been dreading before Teddy tries to help him maybe get out of his impending situation. He's watching his brothers fall apart and feels desperate before he gets some news that makes him feel hopeful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 32 to 51 **Chapters 18 & 19 in John's POV part 1 ** I'm currently only in one class and I have a decent amount here over 200 pages however I'm still going strong. Will seems to progress through the story at a slower rate than John. I think it's because he's more descriptive and has more interaction with their younger siblings. **Warnings: Talk of child sexual abuse, talk of rape, mental health issues, mentions of thoughts of suicide**

I woke up the next morning to the sound of the toilet flushing it scaring me awake before I realized that Pat had spent the night in my room. Laying my head back down as he came out of the bathroom.

“Did I wake you?” he asked me.

“Yeah, it’s not your fault though. I’m a light sleeper,” I told him.

“Ah, I understand that,” Pat said, “It seems like John once he’s out he’s out,” he told me.

“Yes,” I said nodding my head, “I mean unless he’s too worried to go to sleep. Then he’ll stay up until he can’t stay awake.”

“Sounds like him,” Pat commented.

“He tries, he really does,” I said.

“Yeah, he’s great. What time is it?” he asked me before he looked at the watch on his wrists, “7am. Are you going to go back to sleep you think?”

“Probably,” I answered, “I don’t need to be up right now. I think Mum is going to check on the babies soon. You could go back to sleep too you know?”

“Nah, usually when I’m up, I’m up. I don’t fight it. I find it’s easier not to fight it and try to go back to sleep. I end up more tired if I try to go back to sleep. You think there’s coffee somewhere?” he asked me.

“Downstairs probably,” I said.

“Thanks for letting me stay in your room,” he told me.

“You’re welcome,” I said, “I figured it would just be easier if you know mum caught you guys making out and stuff.”

“Well, I went to go check on him afterwards. After you were asleep. I was lucky I didn’t wake you. For a second I thought you did and it was…not what I was expecting. Your Dad is really fucking strange,” Pat muttered.

“Da was up here?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he said clearing his throat, “Can I smoke?”

“What?”

“A cigarette,” he clarified.

“Huh, sure? I can crack my window,” I told him.

“Thanks,” he said grabbing a half-used pack that he had set on my nightstand as I got up and pulled my window open that was behind my nightstand and he lit up leaning over it.

“Why do you do that?” I asked him.

“Smoke? Stress relief. It helps me not think about things sometimes or just chill out as I think about them. I don’t know. I know it’s bad for you but it helps,” he told me, “I would say you could try it but, you’re 10.”

“I know I’m 10,” I said.

He smiled at that, “Well yeah. I mostly said it because sometimes I forget you’re 10.”

“Really?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he said flicking some ashes out my window, “You’re just so mature it’s hard to remember you’re 10. I suppose I wasn’t a normal 10-year-old either if it makes you feel better.”

“Not really but, thanks,” I told him.

“Ok,” he said finishing his cigarette, “ I think I’m going to head out and go watch TV or something. Thanks again. I’ll see you later.”

“Yep,” I told him before I shut my window and laid back down in bed.

I slept again for a little bit longer until there was a knock on the door turning to look at my alarm clock and finding that it was 10am. So I had gotten a few more hours of sleep and then I heard mum’s voice on the other side of the door.

“Will love can you help me out here? Seamus needs a change and I’m getting ready to set out breakfast,” she said through the door.

“Yeah, I’m coming mum,” I said getting up and walking out into the hallway to have a baby thrusted into my arms as mum walked away smiling, probably happy that she didn’t have to change his diaper because boy did he stink, “Hello there. You left a big ripe poopy in that diaper didn’t you?” I asked him to which he gruggled happily.

I sighed and took him back the nursery where I changed him. When I was done changing him I changed Mary and then took them out into the living room and put them in the swings. After a while I remember mum leaving to go talk to Da because he called her on the com but don’t remember much else until she came back upstairs and sighed heavily.

“Ok everyone. Grab a buddy we’re going to head downstairs for a bit. I’m going to make a family meal,” Mum said as she picked up Mac.

“Why?” I asked her.

“Well, I want to give Da a show of faith. He told me your Uncle Ben was back, admitted it to me . So, I’m going to show him we’re not afraid of him or your uncle,” Mum said.

“Mum he just raped Mike last night,” I reminded her.

“I realize,” Mum said, “But there’s a reason. And I figured Matt would be there close by. He hasn’t left Mike’s side all day.”

“Can you blame him?” I asked her.

“No, I just think it’s keeping him safe. I’ll put a movie on while I make dinner. I’m just asking you to keep everyone in the living room that way I can easily see them. I would say you could take them swimming but, I don’t know where John went after he left the house earlier and I feel like that’s asking too much of you,” Mum told me.

“Ok,” I agreed.

I took Mac down and it took two trips to make sure everyone made it safetly downstairs. We watched a movie and then ate dinner in the downstairs kitchen for once. Da was supposed to join us but he ended up working late on something in his office upstairs and it was soon time for bed. Once everyone was tucked in I too found myself starting to drift off as I tried to do some evening reading and ended up turning in early.

I didn’t wake until the next morning when my alarm went off and I went to go check on the babies nearly bumping into mum on her way out of the nursery.

“Aren’t you going to get ready for school?” she asked me.

“Yeah, I was coming to check on them,” I said, “I’m used to it between you sleeping and Karen…being Karen.”

“Well, I’m here now love and I’m fine. I’m back in the swing of things so you don’t have to worry about it. If I need your help I’ll ask you, all right?” Mum said.

“Ok mum,” I said, “Are you feeling ok?”

I sighed. I wasn’t ok. My count down was still ticking in my head and I had four more days before I went to zoo with him, with Lionel. Cole had said he wouldn’t do anything to me on the way to the zoo or while we were there but, on the way back home. It scared me. The whole idea scared me but, I wasn’t allowed to tell mum that. I wasn’t allowed to tell her anything about it. Dr. Palmer had made that perfectly clear.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just sad vacation is over. Happy I get to see my friends though,” I told her.

“Ok love, go get ready for school. I love you,” Mum said hugging me.

“I love you too mum,” I said before I ran off to my room.

I showered quickly and had sat down to breakfast just as John was getting onto the lift to take the bus to school, his first day. I hoped it was good. I knew he’d be ok because Pat would be there with him and Cole. He would be ok as long as he had them and they would tell him who he needed to watch out for, I knew they would.

After I ate I made it out to the bus stop and to school perfectly fine. I don’t remember much happening that day until I got to lunch. Teddy moving seats to come sit next to me when I sat down at the table. I wasn’t sure I wanted to deal with Teddy but, I didn’t want to be rude so I looked at him.

“Hi,” I said.

“How was your vacation?” he asked me.

“It was ok,” I told him, “How was yours?”

“I huh, I spent Christmas with my dad in California. We went surfing. It was fun. I came back two days later and had a late Christmas with mom and my grandpas,” he told me not taking his eyes off me.

“Was that fun?” I asked him.

“Not really,” he said, “You know my grandpa Lionel.”

It was more of a statement than a question. Not like he was accusing me of it even though it felt that way but more like it was an observation. I wasn’t sure what he meant at first. He sighed heavily and started talking again.

“Is your brother ok? James?” he asked me.

“He had nightmares all holiday just about,” I answered him.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “It could have been worse though. I mean it could have been a group thing.”

“It was,” I said feeling cold in my stomach all of the sudden. I didn’t want to talk about this. Especially with Teddy.

“Oh,” Teddy said quietly, “There are worse ways for it to happen. He’s kind of slow about it usually. So, it hurts less.”

I raised my eyebrows at him. Was he trying to get me to talk about it? Was he trying to get me to tell him that I was supposed to be with him Friday? That I had been with him before, that he had taken me into a room in the Villa and…? I didn’t want to talk about that. Especially not at school.

“I don’t want to talk about that,” I said, “Did you get any good presents?”

“My dad got me a new signed Michael Jordan basketball and then he got me another one for taking outside and playing,” he told me, “Honestly one of the best presents I’ve ever gotten. Did you get any good ones? I mean other than money?” he asked me.  
“I got some books that I really wanted. He told you about that? The money?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” Teddy said nodding his head, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Do you know what he’s like?”

I nodded my head. I really didn’t feel like talking about this. Just as I was thinking that Finn showed up smiling brightly.

“Guys, my dad brought us a pool. I mean it’s being installed in the back yard but, it should be so awesome. Maybe when school lets out or at least when it gets hotter maybe you guys can come over and hang out,” Finn said before he frowned like he was thinking about something, “Most of you guys anyway.”

“Why only most of us? Your brother gunning for someone? Or your Dad?” Teddy asked straight out earning him several frowns.

“I didn’t say that,” Finn said, “My dad’s into older anyway. He brought each of us a horse and he’s talking about putting a stable in at the vacation property but for right now he’s paying someone to keep them. I think it’s cool. I mean I know how to ride so why not right?”

“That is cool. At boarding school we had horses. You could sign up to ride them on Friday afternoons during study hour. I did it a couple of times,” I said.

“Fun maybe you can come with me some time,” Finn said, “It’s not that far outside of the city. The stables I mean. I think he’s going to take us to see them Friday after school. Maybe if I ask my dad you could come with us.”

“He can’t he’s busy,” Teddy said.

There it was. So, he knew. He had just been trying to get me to admit to it. Awesome.

“Busy with what? Did you already invite him somewhere Teddy?” Finn asked him.

“No,” Teddy answered, “I just know he’s busy.”

Finn frowned at Teddy scratching his head before he looked at me, “What are you doing?”

“I have to go somewhere,” I said quietly. I didn’t want to talk about it.

“He’s going to the Miami zoo,” Teddy said.

I wanted to smack him. Why did he have to tell everyone? What was the point? As far as I knew he wasn’t even supposed to talk about it.

“That sounds fun. Why didn’t you say so Will? Who are you going with?” Finn asked me.

I hugged myself. I wanted to cry. I didn’t want to be reminded of it.

“What’s wrong?” Finn asked me, “Will, what’s wrong?”

“Hey, it’s ok. You’ll be fine I swear,” Teddy said, “All you have to do is what he tells you ok? No sweat. As long as you stay calm it will be fine.”

My face felt warm and I couldn’t look at anyone. So, Teddy had just told anyone that was bothering to listen, anyone that could want to know. It was humiliating. Why would he tell everyone? Just like that without thinking about it? Caring about what I might think or might want? What if I didn’t want anyone to know? Wasn’t it my right to not have everyone know?

“Teddy did you really have to tell everyone about it?” Finn asked.

“Tell everyone what?” Quinn asked from where he had been eating apparently totally not paying attention.

“Never mind,” Finn said, “Enjoy your lunch.”

“No, you have me curious now,” Quinn said.

“Why don’t you go over there and talk to Todd and Julian?” Finn told him.

“Fine party pooper. I like gossip,” Quinn muttered.

“Which is why I’m sending you away. Now just go,” Finn said.

“Whatever,” Quinn said before he saw the look on my face, “Will whatever it is you’ll be ok. I might not know you well but I know you’re strong. You can handle anything.”

“Thanks,” I said quietly giving him a small smile.

“I don’t see why it’s a big deal it’s not like…” Finn cut him off.

“We’ve all heard the rumors Ted and you know them. You’ve seen it. You’ve been a part of it supposedly so don’t try and lie your way out of being an asshole,” Finn warned him.

“I didn’t think it was a big deal. What rumors do you know about?” Teddy frowned at Finn.

“I know things ok? And you don’t talk about that here. At school in the middle of the lunch room,” Finn said, “Unless you want alone time with the headmaster. Which, is something I have no interest in doing.”

I snorted. He had no idea. He really didn’t want alone time with head master Watson, that was for sure.

“He’s my grandpa. I can talk about that anywhere I want. Most people he gets pissed at but not me. However, he would say it is family business and I should watch where I talk about it,” Teddy muttered.

“Then don’t,” Finn said, “How was your Christmas?”

“It was…,” I sighed shaking my head.

“That’s a bad topic too? Your break sucked that much?” Finn asked me.

“Look,” I sighed, “Things are hard right now ok? My older brother is barely holding it together and my little brother, I’m pretty sure is suffering some sort of separation anxiety because he spends almost every night sleeping in my bed with me. Not that I don’t love James I love him to death but I do like sleeping alone.”

“Luke gets like that sometimes,” Ted said actually seeming human for a second, “He just wants to be somewhere he feels safe. It’s normal trust me.”

“He told me he doesn’t want to smell like himself how is that normal to you?” I asked him.

“Look my family, Grandpa Lionel he’s weird. He says weird things when he’s…teaching ok?” Ted said fidgeting nervously.

“Guys, I really think we shouldn’t be talking this right now,” Finn said quietly.

“I know he does but they’re six. They’re six Teddy,” I said to him.

Teddy sighed heavily, “Can we go somewhere else for a minute or two? Somewhere we’re alone?”

“Sure,” I said standing up and clearing my mostly empty tray before getting up and following Teddy to the bathroom.

He made sure it was completely empty before he stood in front of the door looking at me, “Look he likes kids Will. Little kids usually. Usually younger then you. More like Luke and James.”

“You think I don’t know that? He’s been with me ok? I know. I know I’ve been told. It wasn’t just him Teddy who hurt James it was my Da too. Our Da he helped him. He helped him do that to James,” I told him.

“Which is probably why James is looking to change who he is because he feels like your Da didn’t think he was worth protecting. Did you ever think maybe that’s what’s going on? That he just doesn’t want to be him anymore? That he wants to be anyone else but who he is? I remember that feeling. Don’t you ever feel that way?” Ted asked me.

“All the time,” I answered, “Has he taken you to the zoo?”

“He’s taken me everywhere,” Teddy admitted, “For a while I was…it didn’t matter I was his grandson. He said that made it better even. You’re lucky you’re older. It’s scary when you’re little.”

I had never seen Teddy be so serious about anything in his life. Talk about something like this without being brass or cracking a joke of some kind. He looked like he was numb. Like he wasn’t feeling at all just thinking. Because maybe if he let himself feel it he would break down. I sighed understanding what he meant. That he was right. I was lucky I was older even if I didn’t feel lucky about it. 

“Cole told me he won’t do anything on the way there or while we’re at the Zoo that it’s more like an after thing,” I told Ted.

Ted nodded his head and sighed heavily, “He’ll make odd comments about it but, not often and they’ll be subtle. No one else even if they over hear will think anything of it. He’ll want to hold your hand and stuff while you’re there. If you go on the train ride and it’s crowded he’ll want you to sit in his lap but, he won’t be super gross about it. You’ll just feel gross because you know why he’s doing it. It won’t get harder until later if he decides he really likes you. You’ve been with him before you said?” Teddy asked me.

“Yeah,” I admitted again, “I don’t want to…”

“You don’t have to tell me about it. I know what he’s like. He tries to hide things from people. That’s why he doesn’t like them talking about it to other people. Like how he likes to lick ass and stuff. He doesn’t want people to know that. Or that he likes other things. I think he gets off on the fear too. I try not to act scared anymore but it’s easier for me because I almost always know what he’s going to do. However, I think that’s why he likes little kids because they’re more scared of him, more shy,” he told me.

“Is that why he…?” I trailed off exhaling heavily.

“Because you’re shy? Probably,” Teddy admitted, “You’re almost shyer than Luke and Luke is six. But I’ve noticed you tend to be quiet. Especially when it comes to things you don’t want to talk about. You stop listening and just freeze and go silent. Why do you think Finn asked you if you were ok? You had this look on your face like you kind of checked out a little bit. Or like he caught you with your hand in your mom’s purse. When you’re really uncomfortable you fidget. I think that’s why he likes younger kids too though. He gets off on seeing them visibily afraid of him. If you don’t act afraid he’ll lose interest.”

“So I just have to not be scared?” I asked him.

“Pretty much. That’s probably why he doesn’t mess with me anymore. Because I’m not scared of anything. Kind of hard to be though when your mom goes on drinking binges every other weekend and throws shit at you every time you bother to stick your head out your bedroom door. Probably why we spend most weekends with our grandpas. If it’s not Papa I mean, Grandpa Lionel it’s Grandpa Greg,” he told me.

“That sounds hard. At least I have my mum,” I told him.

“Yeah. All Luke and I have is each other. I mean for the most part we do ok. It’s weird sometimes after…never mind it doesn’t matter but we do ok,” he told me.

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked him.

“Papa, I over heard him talking to mom. He’s looking super forward to the zoo. To other stuff that he’s planning if the Zoo goes the way he wants it to. So, I’m telling you so that if you can try to not act afraid it might help you out. I know that’s not who you are. That you seem to just naturally do those things but, if you can try not do them. It might get him to leave you alone,” Ted told me, “Just an idea to throw at you ok?”

“Thank you,” I told him, “Really. I’ll try. To not act afraid, I mean.”

“You should. You don’t want him to like you. I know you’ve probably figured that out but, you really really don’t want him to like you,” Teddy said shaking his head a shiver passing down his spine as he looked at me.

So, he was still afraid of him. He just didn’t want to admit it to anyone. Cole was so afraid of Lionel he had barely talked about him and Teddy was afraid of him. It made me wonder what he was like when he really liked you. When he finally got to claim you as his. The very thought shook me to the core.

“Thanks. I’ll try,” I said.

The rest of the day I felt numb. When I got home I noticed John wasn’t there but, there was a padlock on the pantry door and I sighed. So, he had told mum about that. I wondered how badly we would be punished for that. For telling her about that so that Uncle Ben and Da could no longer get up there. I sat down and did my homework as the house started to get busy again, as mum got the older babies up and moving around playing in the living room not far off where her and I could keep an eye on them from the kitchen. By the time dinner was ready and everyone else was home but John mum looked like a nervous wreck.

“Mummy where is John?” Cat asked her after a while. Somewhere in the middle of our dinner of baked cod and peas.

“I don’t know but, he should be home by now,” Mum said before she got up, “I’ll go see if they are home yet. Da took him to his doctor’s appointment earlier.

“Da did?” I asked my fork stopping midway to my mouth as I heard another fork clatter into the plate somewhere in front of it. I looked over to see Mike staring at mum the same way I was fork still in hand and James frozen looking at mum closely. His hand looking like it should have a fork but little bits of fish scattered about the table where his fork had dropped.

“It wasn’t ideal. I realize.” She said looking at us, “I’ll be back. I’m sure he’s fine.”

He wasn’t fine. When he came upstairs from where ever he was his eyes were red and puffy, shiny. He had been crying. I figured Da had probably done something to him. For all we knew he had been home for hours and because mum was too busy and I was too busy we hadn’t noticed. Hadn’t protected him like we should have. Mum walked past us her arms around his shoulders and into his bedroom shutting the door behind her.

After that it seemed like mum didn’t stop moving, didn’t stop cleaning. I could tell she was struggling. That she wanted to lock herself away again and not come out but, that she knew she couldn’t. That she knew there wasn’t anyone there but me to take care of everyone else and doing that to me was something she was trying to avoid.

I helped her clean up the kitchen and put everyone to bed besides Mike and Matt who mum had told to leave the gaming console alone and let it “cool off for a night” and were watching TV quietly before I got up to see what was happening. If he was sleeping or if he was ok. When I went into his bedroom I could hear the shower running and I wondered how long he had been in there. I quietly shut the door but mum must have heard me because she called out to me from where she was in nursery and the door was ajar.

“Yeah mum?” I asked her thinking she needed help with something.

“We’re leaving,” she told me.

I remember feeling confused at the words. Almost like they weren’t processing. We were leaving? Where we were going? Were we leaving now? She must have seen the look on my face because she sighed.

“Not right now but, soon. I’m hoping no more than 3 days and we’ll be gone. That’s what I’m hoping though. I’m not sure it’s going to happen but your brother needs help. He can’t keep going like this. He was going to do something really bad earlier and I managed to talk him down but he deserves better. We all deserve better and I’m going to try my hardest to make sure that happens. Don’t tell anyone all right love?” she warned me.

I nodded my head numbly walking away going to sit down on the couch. I don’t think I moved for a while. We were leaving? It was over just like that? No Lionel, no zoo. I didn’t have to…I felt relieved but scared. Terrified remembering Vic’s warning. That meddling mum’s disappeared easily in the brotherhood. What if…what if he some how found out or knew and him and Da…?

No, no. I couldn’t think that. We were leaving. We were going to leave and never come back. I would be ok and James would be ok and everyone else. We would all be ok. It was almost over.

By the time I looked up mum had come back into living room ushering Mike and Matt to bed. By the time I saw John again mum was back in the nursery doing night feeding. He came out carrying a mug with him and popped it in the microwave sighing.

He looked beyond exhausted. Beyond broken and scared. Like maybe school and Da and everything else was too much for him. More than he could handle. I sighed not sure how much noise I should make. If he had even realized I was still up and moving around, making sure the living room was clean before I went to bed.

“John?” I asked him quietly making sure I stayed back on the other side of the island, making sure I gave him as much space as he needed.

“Hey,” he said before he turned around to look at me. He had dark circles under his eyes like he had probably spent the whole entire time he was in the shower crying. Like he had spent at least half the day crying.

“What happened?” I asked him quietly, “Mum’s kind of frantic and everyone else is fine so I’m assuming it’s something to do with you.”

“Why?” he asked an expression contorting his face like he had just sucked on a lemon. Like just asking it made him unsure of how to respond. Of whether he wanted to cry some more or shout at me and be angry.

“Because I’ve never seen her this scared. At least not scared like this besides that one time when…” I trailed off. He didn’t need to be reminded of that. I certainly didn’t want to think about it. The video that Da had shown mum of him. Of the things he made John do. I exhaled heavily.

He frowned deeply as the microwaved beeped, “I can’t do it anymore.” He said with no emotion in his voice. He slid down pressing his back against the counter as he sat on the floor.

I came over and sat next to him, doing the same allowing my back to rest up against the counter. Was he talking about killing himself? Or just the fact that he still wanted to die? Or was it just that he was tired?

“What do you mean?” I asked him.

“I can’t,” he made a hiccupping sound like he was having trouble breathing, having trouble staying calm but struggling to do it anyway, “He took me out to lunch and some guy was there and he…,” he shrugged his shoulders closing his eyes, “I can’t do it anymore. When I got home I went downstairs to the guest suite with the balcony and I almost jumped.”

I felt horrified. He had almost jumped? He had almost left me here? Us here? With them and mum by ourselves for them to…but we needed him. We needed him. I needed him because when he told me it would ok I believed him. When he told me that someday everything would be ok I believed him and here he was saying it wasn’t ok. That it would never be ok. That I was fucked, that we were all fucked.

He had no idea how fucked I was either. He had no idea how much I needed him but it wasn’t about me. It was about him. I closed my eyes and sighed deeply telling myself to calm down. That it was ok, that he hadn’t done it. That he was still there.

“Oh,” I said, “So that’s why she’s so upset.”

“It doesn’t matter now I guess. I would have been better off jumping though because I’m dead anyway,” he said pointing his finger across my vision over to the locked pantry door beside me.

“He’s not going to know that was because of you. He’s come to me too remember? And Catty and James. Almost everyone really,” I mentioned.

“Will, do you ever hate yourself?” he asked me suddenly opening his eyes but only staring at the kitchen island ahead of us and not looking at me.

Of course I did. Of course I hated myself. I hated myself all the time. I knew saying that though wouldn’t help him any. That I should probably keep it to myself. So instead I gave him the logical answer. The one that wasn’t based on my personal emotions, the one that made sense.

“No,” I said softly, “I hate them. I don’t hate myself.”

“How?” he asked turning to look at me, “Because I really need to understand why I can’t be like that. Why I hate myself so much.”

Oh, so he was talking about it? That part of it. The part of it I was still new at. The way my body responded to it. How instead of everything building a little at once and releasing a tiny bursts of energy it seemed like it almost stalled and built to an unbearable level until it seemed almost like your body was out of your control. Until that energy was pushing it’s way from you almost like it was ripping free. How weird and bad it felt. How you couldn’t stand to be in your skin after it was done.

I knew what it was. Physiologically I knew what it was. That that’s just how it happened. That it was natural and sometimes I allowed that to make me not feel so bad about it. I tried to think of the best way to explain it and then decided to us physics.

“Well, from what I read literally every physical reaction has an equal and opposite reaction. If someone touches you a certain way your body is programmed to respond a certain way. It’s literally just physics. I can’t stop my body from feeling that way so, why try? And why feel guilty about it? It doesn’t mean I like it, or I want it. It just means I’m human with a normal body like anyone else. He’s the one doing it. Not me, I’m just along for the ride so to speak. So why be angry at myself for something I can’t control?” I said to him.

“It shouldn’t feel good though,” he said barely above a whisper wiping at his eyes with the back of his hands.

“No, see that’s where you’re wrong. It should,” I said turning my body so I was facing him, looking at him, “It’s normal for it to feel good even if we don’t want it to. For it to feel good means we’re human. He shouldn’t want to do that to us. That means he’s the wrong one. Not us. You can’t put that on yourself. None of us are doing anything to deserve what he does. He’s a bad, sick twisted person who found other bad, sick and twisted people that think the same way he does. I know what he says, I know what he tells you but, he tells you that so he can justify it to himself and make it ok when it’s not ok. His words don’t make what he does ok,” I told him.

“How are you so smart?” John asked me, “How do you know that’s right and what I feel is wrong?”

“Because I read and it’s what bad people do to kids. Bad people like Da and Uncle Ben. There have been bad people like them out there and for a long-time John. People like them are everywhere.”

“How do you know all of this?” I asked him.

“Back home at school they started teaching us how to use computers. There’s this thing called ask Jeeves where you can type in anything you want to know and it will bring up websites and stuff with information. I wrote it down and looked on the computer downstairs a while ago. Apparently it’s been a thing for a long time. They are in every country and a lot of them do really really bad things. Usually it’s not strangers snatching kids off the street but people like Da who already work with kids or have kids of their own. They’re really really bad people,” I said, “Don’t tell Da I know how to use the computer. I don’t think he’d be too happy.”

“I won’t,” he said, “He knows you know how to read his emails and shit though. I’m pretty sure. Stuff you let me know that sometimes…”

“Gets around like how we knew the leader was coming to dinner?” I asked him and he shrugged his shoulders, “He hasn’t punished me for it yet so it can’t be a huge deal or else he just suspects and doesn’t really know it’s me. There are people online you can talk to you know? They won’t be able to tell it’s you. You just make a screen name. Maybe you wouldn’t feel so alone?”

“I don’t think it matters,” he told me, “And if they can’t tell it’s me how do I know who they are?”

I thought about it. He did have a point. How did we know whether they were dangerous or not? Like Da or not if we didn’t know who they were?

“That’s true but, sometimes just feeling like you have someone doesn’t hurt. You could tell me you know but, you seem to not want to,” I told him.

There were a lot of things he didn’t tell me. So many things that he kept to himself that he needed to talk about. That I knew he was keeping from me to protect me. The same way I was protecting him. But, I felt that maybe if he opened up to me, showed me that I wasn’t alone it would be easier for me to do the same. To show him that he wasn’t the only one that was always struggling. That hated themselves. That wanted to hurt themselves.

“I won’t tell you because you’re my brother. I’m supposed to protect you from it,” he said turning his body so he was facing me too, his jaw set like he was determined. Determined to keep some part of me innocent that was no longer there.

It was frustrating. It was so frustrating that he didn’t get it. That I needed him to show me it was ok. That he didn’t have to hide it. That he could trust me. That way I knew I could trust him. 

I sighed wanting to yell at him but somehow managed to stay calm, “Yeah and who came up with that idea? You, right? I’m in this with you. You don’t need to protect me John. I can take care of myself,” I reminded him.

“Yeah?” he muttered shaking his head, his eyes going cold, “ Tell me that when he’s above you every single night moaning in your ear how you like it and how you feel so good. How you taste so awesome. Tell me that when he’s letting guys video tape you doing things you don’t want to do. Or letting some guy do things to you while all you can do is watch it happen in a mirror above your head. When you deal with that then tell me you don’t need me to protect you ok? Until then just trust me,” he spat.

So that’s what Da had done to him? I remember thinking that. That Da had let some guy do that to him. Rape him while John had to watch it happen in a mirror and feel it happen. It sounded horrible. Scary. It was bad enough having to feel it let alone watch it happen. And he did do those things to me. 

Not every night but sometimes. It was one of Lionel’s favorite things to do. Tell me how I felt good, felt like satin inside against his fingers, how he just wanted me to feel good. That I should just let it happen just like Ben and Da did. I thought about how I was dreading it. Dreading have to deal with that on Friday. How he was probably going to tell me those things whenever there weren’t other people close enough to hear it while I watched the animals. Talk about the things he wanted me to do, what he wanted to do until we got into his car or somewhere else where he could actually do them. The thought sent a shiver down my spine and caused that panic to rise up in my throat. I sighed closing my eyes trying to push it back down. Trying to remind myself that it hadn’t happened yet. That I was in the kitchen with my brother talking, that I was safe and things were ok. I was ok.

“I didn’t know it was that bad,” I told him, “Maybe that’s why you need to trust someone though. So you can tell someone that stuff. It might make you feel better.”

“Why does it matter how I feel?” he hissed at me, “He doesn’t care. You don’t trust me when I say you don’t want to have to live with it. Mum literally throws me at him. She might as well tie a bow around my junk and stick a fuck me sign on my back. So why does it matter?”

That’s what he thought? He thought I didn’t trust him? I trusted him as much as I could anyone. He thought mum was handing him over to Da? That wasn’t what she was doing at all. Not on purpose anyway.

She didn’t have anyone to watch them that day and Karen had just quit. Otherwise it would have been her taking John to the doctor and Da never would have gotten to take him away, to let that guy do those things to him. She didn’t want that for him. She couldn’t have. If she had wanted John to go through that she wouldn’t have been so upset earlier she could barely speak and couldn’t stop moving. Every second of her evening having her running up and down the hallway.

“Mum doesn’t know what to do ok?” I tried to explain to him, “She doesn’t do it on purpose but she doesn’t know what the hell to do to get it to stop John. I doubt she has any idea it’s that bad. Maybe if you talked to her about it she would know and she would be trying harder to find another way out or a faster way out.”

“That’s not true she does know. Pat told her because I couldn’t,” he insisted his expression going from angry to what looked like sad and confused.

“Really?” I asked, “When?”

“I don’t know like yesterday. The day before maybe?” he told me shrugging his shoulders.

“Well then she probably didn’t have time to process it. That’s a big thing to hear John. If I didn’t already have an idea that it was happening I wouldn’t know what to think. And she’s supposed to fix it. That takes time, planning and sadly time is not something she really has anymore. So, she’s scrambling,” I tried to explain to him, “She told me three days. So, give it three days. By then hopefully she’ll have something at least half way figured out because I think you really scared her this time.”

“Nothing is as scary as your Da taking you out somewhere and almost raping you in a park parking lot. Or making you sit next to some guy you don’t even know and before you know it he’s on top of you because someone who is supposed to protect you said it was ok because he paid them money,” he told me.

“No but imagine knowing that things like that are happening to the people you care about the most and you can’t stop it. Imagine how that probably feels,” I told him trying to have him imagine how mum probably felt. How badly she probably struggled knowing that people were hurting us and she couldn’t stop it.

“I don’t have to,” John said his face hard as he looked at me, “It happens to me every day. Who on earth do you think I care about more than anything? You! All of you! And it doesn’t matter what I let him do to me, he still keeps doing it. At first it worked but now it doesn’t matter what promises I make but, if he’s with me he’s not with one of you.”

He looked tired, spent. Like he was going to start crying again. John was right. He did try to protect us. He did everything he could to protect us and just like what mum did it was never enough to stop it. It was never enough to keep us safe. That didn’t mean it was right though. 

“John that’s not your job. That’s mum’s job not yours,” I said shaking my head, “You can’t protect anyone. You need to leave that to mum ok?”

It wasn’t his job. It wasn’t his job to throw himself at Da and make sure he kept his hands off us. It wasn’t up to him to take of his clothes every time Da threatened one of us. It was his job to hold us while we cried. To tell us he understood that he loved us and to it was his job to lie to us. To tell us it was all going to be ok, that this wouldn’t be forever. That things could be safe one day, that we could be safe.

“But she can’t do it either. You just said so yourself,” he said shaking his head at me.

“Yeah but that doesn’t mean you need to try and help her because guess what? It’s obviously not working. If you are drinking just to function and sitting on ledges trying to work up the courage to jump something is not working and it’s mum’s job to figure out how to fix that because obviously it’s a very serious problem that you can’t fix on your own. So, quit trying please. We need you but we need you here with us. We don’t need you playing hero until you can’t take it anymore so just stop,” I said frowning at him.

I hate talking in circles with him about it. About the fact that we were only kids and there was only so much someone could expect him to do. That none of us expected him to step in and keep Da from hurting us, uncle Ben from hurting us. None of us had ever asked him to do that. None of us wanted to watch him fall apart because he expected himself to do that.

“Three days,” he said holding up his fingers inbetween us, “That’s what I’m giving her is three days. If we don’t have an answer by then I’m either letting him kill me or I’m killing myself because by then I’ll wish I was dead. Heck, I already do.

He stood up running his hand through his hair before he sighed heavily starting to walk down the hall as I got to my feet as well. I didn’t want him to feel that way, feel like he would rather be dead than be with us. I knew it was selfish to wish that but, we needed him. If we didn’t leave in three days I would really need him. I was still terrified of it. Of the idea of him. Of going to the zoo with him because I knew what would happen after. I wanted to tell John that, to let him know that he wasn’t the only one Da was pimping out, selling.

But, I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell him that. It would only get him hurt. Make him try and come up with a way to keep me safe and then it would probably be James and I both. James couldn’t deal with that. James hadn’t been able to speak for nearly 3 days last time it happened and was still very attached to me. I understood why. I did but, it was tiring.

“John,” I said after a minute or two as he was half way down the hallway causing him to turn and look at me, “Please don’t hurt yourself. You’re my brother and I love you.”

He sighed heavily as he looked at me his eyes sad, “I love you too,” he said before he turned going the rest of the way down the hall to his room.

My brain felt fried because of worry. Between knowing my brother had almost killed himself and my little brother who had crawled into bed with me the night before I felt like I couldn’t think. James had woken me up telling me that he was there in his room. The bad man and that he was going to hurt him. Even after I checked his room to assure him Lionel wasn’t there he refused to sleep in there so I carried him back to my room where he cried into my arms for nearly two hours until we both fell asleep.  
I was woken up by mum speaking, “Will love have you seen…” she trailed off and sighed with relief when she saw his little form curled into mine him having not moved, still dead asleep.

“He had a bad dream. I would have come and got you but, you were sleeping I think. He said he came to get him,” I told mum.

Mum had known that something had happened to James but we still hadn’t told her who. She frowned at me lightly as she sat down on the edge of the bed sighing as she looked at his sleeping form. Him clinging to me in his sleep. I wasn’t sure she knew what to do or what had happened and I knew she had questions about it. But they were questions I couldn’t answer. She started whispering.

“The school called me yesterday to tell me he was crying. They had trouble getting him to calm down. I had to talk with him on the phone. He told me that something bad would happen if he wasn’t home with us. That he needed to be home. I told him he’d be home after school. He made me put your little brothers and sisters on the phone so he could make sure that the bad man hadn’t hurt them. Was it uncle Ben?” she asked me.

“Mum, I…”

“No, I want you tell me. If you can’t tell me who it is out of some loyality to your brother I understand that but, you can you tell me who it wasn’t?” she asked me.

“It wasn’t Da or Uncle Ben,” I admitted.

“So it was one of the other two,” she said nodding her head to herself.

She had counted him out automatically. The one person it was she had decided it wasn’t. It made me feel sick. It made me want to scream at her that she was wrong. That it was him. That he had hurt James and me and that he wanted to hurt me some more. That he was going to hurt me some more but I managed to keep quiet this sick feeling growing in my stomach as she looked at me.

“It’s scary mum,” I said to her.

“I know love,” she told me.

“No, you don’t know. You don’t,” I said feeling a lump in my throat, “He’s tiny mum. He doesn’t understand why Da…” I took a deep breath to keep myself from crying, “Da let that guy hurt him. And it hurts. It hurts bad. Especially the first time. It really hurts the first time.”

“I don’t imagine it feeling good,” she said her lips forming a thin line.

“It hurts a lot mum. Sometimes you bleed and it just…” I trailed off. I didn’t want to talk about it. Feeling my face flush bright red.

“It’s ok love,” Mum sighed, “You don’t need to explain.”

I nodded my head in relief. That wasn’t something I wanted to talk about with her. How it stung when they entered your body, when they moved around inside you. How it felt weird and it made you want to be anywhere else. How even when it stopped hurting it still hurt, felt weird.

“I think I’m going to keep him and Mike home from school today. Between the two of them I got three calls yesterday. So, it might just be easier to give them some time,” she told me.

“Mike’s not doing well still?” I asked her.

“When I came up to feed the babies I found him in the hallway curled into a ball shivering. He had been sleep walking and had wet himself. So no, he’s not doing well. There’s too much going on,” mum said as I felt James move.

“Mummy?” he asked quietly into my chest.

“I’m here love. I thought you were going to try and sleep in your own room,” she told him.

“The bad man was there and then I woke up but, I knew when Willy left he would come back. I didn’t want him to come back. He’ll hurt us. I didn’t want him to come back,” he said before he started crying.

“Oh little love, it’s all right,” mum said pulling him from me and into her arms, “It’s ok wee one you’re safe. He’s not here. He can’t hurt you. It’s ok.”

“I don’t want him to come back,” he cried.

Watching him cry made my heart hurt. Knowing that Mike was struggling and John too made me want to cry. Because I knew there wasn’t anything I could really do for them. I sighed and rubbed his shoulder as mum held him. He just wanted to feel safe. He just wanted to know no one was going to hurt us and that was something he couldn’t be sure of.

“I think it’d be a good idea too mum. To keep them home today,” I said getting up and moving around them to get out of bed and start getting ready for school.

The rest of the day is a blur. I don’t remember what happened at school my thoughts too caught up in where my brothers were and how they were doing mentally, emotionally. When I got home it seemed like stuff was missing just small things like Cat’s favorite Barbie and Hugh. At the time I just thought it was weird and didn’t put two and two together me busy helping mum make sure babies were taking care of and helping her with dinner by making a side of pastaroini from the box. I remember going to bed feeling exhausted having chased kids and changed diapers all day. Not looking forward to the next morning.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Danielle picks them up from school for an unexpected eye doctors appointment that turns out not to be the eye doctors at all. Things go south causing the kids to come face to face with Arthur and Hank just when Will thought he was safe and his trip to the zoo would be canceled only for him to be brought home and forced to face his trip activities earlier than expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus chapter this week because school work is slowing down a little bit. Pages 51 to 86 **John part1 Chapter 20 Pov. Warnings: PTSD issues, Anxiety issues, Mental health issues, Rape/non-con of a 10 year old child, skinny dipping, forced kissing, forced oral, forced anal, emotional manipulation, slight physical abuse/injury, self-esteem issues, issues with self blame/guilt/shame**

The next morning everyone went to school as mum moved around grabbing things and putting them on the couch. They seemed like the most random things too, clothes and books a few toys and mostly diapers and baby wipes. I didn’t know what was going on but I didn’t question it. I thought it was weird, like maybe mum had gone crazy but then around 10:30 she came to get me from school for an eye doctors appointment I didn’t realize I had and I found Mike, Matt and James with her.

“Come on now, let’s go to the upper school and get your brother,” she told us.

“Why do we all have eye doctor’s appointments on the same day?” Matt asked her.

“Well, Karen quit so it’s just me now and I figured it’d be easier to do it all at once than worry about having to do them one at a time. Will love?” Mum asked me before she pulled her eyes out of her purse, “I already got your sister from nursery school across the way can you go to the parking lot and check on everyone? I don’t want them in there by themselves too long and make sure she’s in her booster seat.”

“Ok mum,” I said and took off leaving her with my younger brothers. When I got to the van I noticed that the back was piled high with duffle bags and there were even more of them where feet would normally go in the back row the three rear facing car seats taking up the full back row beside the empty fold up seat that allowed access to the boot of the car without opening the back door. Sure, enough Cat had climbed in and buckled herself into her booster seat in the row in front of Andy and Laura who were secure in their own car seats.

“Mummy said we have an appointment at the eye doctor,” Cat told me.

“Yeah that’s what she told me too,” I told her before I climbed into the car sliding the door shut as best I could, “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine,” she told me, “The car is full of stuff though.”

“Yeah, I noticed that,” I told her.

“Do you think everything is ok?” she asked me.

I thought about it. Why would she bring all of this stuff for an eye doctor appointment we weren’t aware of that we had? And that’s when it hit me relief flooding me so hard that I nearly fell into the seat. We were leaving. She was taking us away from them. The brotherhood, away from Da and Ben and Lionel. Away from Hank and Barry and Arthur. Away from all of them.

“It’ll be ok Will. He’s not the other doctor we don’t have to get shots,” Cat said making me laugh.

“It’s not that. I’m good, I’m perfectly fine, better then fine.”

“You looked so worried though,” she said.

“It’s nothing,” I assured her, “Anyone poopy?” 

I was answered with a funny look by cat and a small no from Andy as everyone else finally made it out to the van the door opening.

“All right loves, buckle in and fast,” Mum said as James Mike and Matt climbed into the car and she slammed the sliding door making sure it was shut tight and John climbed into the front seat turning on the radio.

We had driven for maybe an hour when someone finally asked something Mike turning to look at me, “Why is the doctors so far away?”

“It’s not we’re leaving,” I finally told him.

“Leaving?” Matt frowned asking me, “Leaving where?”

“We’re going to go find a new home. Away from Da so he can’t hurt you anymore. I’m sorry it took us so long but, we’ll be ok. I promise. We just need to go a bit further and then I have someone meeting us somewhere that’s going to help. Just settle in,” she told us.

It was five more hours of driving around 3pm when we finally stopped. It was the parking lot of a supermarket and John sighed undoing his seat belt before mum held her arm out in front of him telling him to stay put, “Hold on. We’re waiting for someone,” she said.

We settled back in figuring that meant we weren’t going anywhere for a bit until a van pulled up and man got out knocking on mum’s window.

I heard him asking if we were us. Mum confirming. He looked rough around the edges a long beard that was almost so long you he could have probably tucked into his belt if he had wanted to. His skin tan and leathery looking his eyes gray, sad and tired.

“We are,” she answered him, “How far are we going?”

“Can’t tell you,” he said his southern draw more evident, “Just know I’m supposed to take half of your load so which five am I taking?”

What? What did he mean load? Did he mean us? Mum was going to give half of us over to this stranger? This guy we didn’t know. How did she know he wasn’t like them? Like Da. He peered in the back and saw me watching him shooting me a sad smile as John stiffened in the passenger seat beside mum.

He didn’t want to go with this guy. Not that I could blame him. It seemed almost like every guy he ended up in a room alone with hit on him or worse. I didn’t see it going well for any of us but, his van wasn’t a big one like ours. His van looked more like a normal sized van that could fit maybe 8 people when there was 12 of us. That still didn’t make sense though when we could call stay with mum.

“Do you have any car seats? Because I have five in car seats,” she asked the guy.

“I have two car seats,” he told her.

“Ok John can you go with him and Catty and Will? I’ll move Andrew and Laura,” Mum said undoing her seat belt and opening the car door as the guy stepped away.

“Mum? I don’t know him,” John said barely above a whisper.  
I could tell he was scared. I didn’t blame him for it. I understood it. The guy didn’t exactly look friendly but I would say he looked average. However, that didn’t mean anything. Lionel looked really friendly and he wasn’t. He was very far from it. I wasn’t sure I trusted anyone and I had good reason not to but John it was even more so. 

She turned to look at him putting a hand on his shoulder before she bent close to him and whispered something in his ear. He shook his head vigorously his eyes going wide, “I can’t mum. I can’t.”

Mum sighed and looked at the guy who was still standing by her open door, “Could you give us a minute?” she asked him and he smiled sadly at her nodding his head and walking away back over to his own car.

“Honey he’s not going to hurt you. Catty and Will are going too. I need you to do a big favor please? For me? I swear he’s not going to do anything to you,” Mum tried to assure him.

I heard John’s voice catch as he answered her, “Last time you asked me to do something for you I ended up doing something I…,” he trailed off taking a deep breath and hiding his face in his hands like he was trying not to cry in front of us.

He did have a point. Last time he did something for mum it was allowing Da to take him to the doctors and he had told me about it. The guy who had raped him at lunch. Made him stare into a mirror as it happened. The whole thing sounded beyond horrible. I still couldn’t believe Da had let some stranger do that to him. Hurt him like that. Mum shouldn’t have been asking him to go with another person he didn’t know. People he didn’t know hurt him lately in his experience and I understood why that was so scary. Being asked to leave mum and go with this guy he didn’t know, probably sit in the passenger seat next to him because he was the oldest.

None of that seemed ok. Putting myself in John’s shoes I could feel his anxiety, his fear at what that guy would force him to do once the doors to that van shut and mum wasn’t there and it was just me and him and Cat along with Andy and Laura. I didn’t want him to have to go through that. That wasn’t fair. That anxiety wasn’t fair.

“You can tell me anything. You know that, right?” Mum asked him to rub his shoulder in a comforting manner.

“I don’t know who he is mum,” John answered barely audible from where I was sitting, “I don’t trust him.”

“Honey,” mum said pausing as she thought about what she was saying, “You aren’t going to trust anyone for a long time. You need to try and trust me though ok?” she pleaded with him.

“Last time I trusted you, you let Da take me to a doctor’s appointment and he took me out to lunch and there was this guy and it ended badly,” he told her.

She sighed closing her eyes. So, he hadn’t told mum about that at all? Hadn’t warned her that Da had let some strange guy do things to him? When she opened her eyes, she looked close to crying but just responded, “Oh goodness. Ok, all right. Ok Will can you go with Mike Andy and Laura?”

I wasn’t sure I trusted the guy either but I wasn’t about to let him take off with any of my siblings by themselves I was going to be there. I was going to do what I had to in order to make sure he didn’t hurt them. If that meant me putting myself in danger like John did a million times a day for all of us I would. I swallowed and nodded my head, “Yeah. I can do it.”

“Thank you,” John said turning to look at me before he looked at mum.

“It’s not a problem honey. I’m glad you told me, “she said hopping out of the car and calling the guy back over. They talked for a couple of minutes and then she directed me to help Mike out of the car as well as help move Andy and Laura.

They both moved leaving their car seats behind and mum moved a bunch of bags over to be in the guy’s boot while I made sure Mike buckled himself in. He was being a sport even though he looked nervous his mouth twitching like he couldn’t decide whether to smile or cry.

“What’s wrong Mike?” I asked him.

“I’m scared,” he admitted tears coming to his eyes.

“This guy isn’t going to hurt you. I swear to you he’s not going to touch you ok? You’re mine right now. I’ve got you I promise. Nothing bad will happen to you while I’m in charge ok?” I swore to him.

“I don’t know,” he said, “I don’t…”

“Trust me. I know that’s hard but you can trust me. Have I ever let you down before? Ever?” I asked him.

He shook his head vigorously. He knew I always tried my best to keep my promises. It didn’t matter what it was I always tried to make sure they were taken care of just like mum and just like John. I buckled him in hugging him.

“We’ll be ok. After they get us to where we’re going we’ll be back with mum ok? This guy is just helping us. He’s not going to hurt you. We’ll be fine,” I told him before I kissed the top of his head, “Is there anything I can…” I said as mum handed me Mike’s stuffed Lion that he always slept with.

“Here you go love,” Mum said, “You’re both my brave boys. All of my boys are so brave,” Mum said rubbing the top of his head, “He’s going to drive us to a place and when we get there you can come back with me. It’s just for right now though you guys need to ride with him. Everything will be all right though.”

“I know mum,” I said to her and Mike nodded his head rubbing his face in his stuffed Lion’s mane.

“I’ll see you later. I’m going to go grab some stuff from the store. Snacks and what not for both cars and then we’ll be leaving,” Mum said before she got up and went into the store.

I poked my head out of the van to look at the guy, “Where am I sitting?”

“Where ever you feel most comfortable,” he told me without missing beat to which I shut the sliding van door and buckled myself in next to Mike.

It didn’t take long for mum to come back out of the store with three packs of Capri suns and a bunch of other littler snacks like trail mix and beef jerky some of which she gave to me and set on the van floor under my feet as she made sure everyone was ready to leave.

“Ok loves be good for our friend here. I’ll see you in a couple of hours when the cars stop. I love you,” she told us as she gave both Mike and I a kiss on the cheek and shut the door.

Her and the guy talked for a few minutes outside the van before he walked away and opened the driver’s side door looking at all of us, “Ok my name is Pete. I’ll be driving you to where we’re going until we get there. When we do I'll give you back to your mom.”

“Why are you taking us?” Mike asked.

“Well, we have to cross the state line and if your mom or I is stopped for whatever reason this gives us leverage to get everyone back together. This way if something does happen your dad will only get a hold of some of you and not all of you. You understand?”

“What if that happens?” I asked him.

“IF that happens there is someplace I can take you guys while we work on getting your mom and siblings back where you’ll be safe. Hopefully that won’t happen. It rarely does happen but it might so we always prepare for it,” he told me.

“Where are we going?” I asked him.

“I believe we’re stopping close to my house. Alabama,” he said, “It’s pretty country you won’t be there long. I think they’re setting you guys up someplace else but it’ll be a nice break for a week or so.”

“Who are they?” I asked him.

“It’s a group of people that help get others out of horrible situations. Recused my mom and I when I was a kid from some bad stuff. They’re good people. They’re good at what they do. Make sure you never have to go back to that place,” he told me.

“Do you know much about them?” I asked as he pulled out of the parking lot.

“From what I understand it’s a cult of some type that is into hurting kids,” he said frowning at me in rear view mirror, “I don’t like people who hurt kids.”

“Do you know what they did?” Mike asked him quietly.

“To you guys personally?” He asked and Mike nodded his head, “No. It doesn’t take much to understand that they hurt you guys pretty bad though I’m sure. Just know that while you’re with me I’ll treat you the same way I treat my own. No one is going to get their hands on you. No one is touching you not even me and that’s the end of it. You understand?”

Mike and I both nodded our heads and he gave us a sad smile. So, this guy was saying he was going to protect us, keep us safe, not hurt us. He had kids of his own which didn’t always mean much if the brotherhood was any indication. But he said he wouldn’t touch us. I took that to mean he wasn’t going to put his hands on us for any reason. It made me think that he knew. He had an idea of what they had done to us, the things that they probably made us do and I grateful that he would respect that.  
Respect our need to not be touched by someone we didn’t feel safe with, didn’t want to touch us.

We drove for a while, me almost falling asleep as the car stopped at McDonalds and we got some food. Mostly happy meals and French fries. I felt safe though when mum came to check on us and make sure we were ok. She pulled Andy and Laura out to change their diapers and then we took off again driving until we came to this motel.

He moved our bags into a room with mum’s help and John and I got everyone out of the cars and into the room. It was only a two-bed room with a small TV. It wasn’t very big and I remember looking around wondering where everyone was going to sleep as mum brought the last of the bags in and the guy wished us luck before he left. 

“Mummy where is everyone going to sleep?” James asked.

“Well the babies are sleeping in their car seats which means that you boys and Cat are the only ones I have to worry about. I’m having them bring an extra cot in which will sleep two and I figured Will and James could share that if that’s all right?” Mum asked looking at me.

“Yeah that sounds ok,” I told her.

“So then Cat and Mike can share a bed with me and John can share with Matt,” mum said, “Ok here’s the deal everyone. No one is leaving this room for anything. In three days, a woman is going to come by and we’re going to go with her. After that we will be given a new place to live and new names. You won’t tell anyone your old names think of it like a game,” Mum said.

And that’s how it was. We watched cartoons late into the night and spend the next day in the room. Mum left at some point to go walk somewhere and get us food and at first it didn’t seem like it was that big of a deal but then an hour passed. And then 2. It seemed odd and I figured something had happened. Something bad had happened.

I didn’t know what and was about to call John into the bathroom to talk with him about what we should do when there was a knock on the door. Everyone stopped moving. We all knew mum wouldn’t have knocked. She would have had a key. There wouldn’t have been any reason for her to knock.

“John,” I said getting his attention as he muted the TV, “You need to look out. Mum has a key. She wouldn’t have knocked.”

He nodded his head and looked through the peep hole at the top of the door before he turned pale white his eyes going wide, “shit.”

“What’s up?” I asked him.

It had to be something bad. Something that scared him. Something that made him afraid. Something that he didn’t want to see was on the other side of that door, someone.

“It’s Hank,” he managed barely a whisper.

“Wait, Hank as in the cop?” I asked him.

Just then there was a bang on the door so forceful it shook it, “I’m supposed to come get you guys. It’s ok. Your mom told us you were here,” he said loudly.

“Where is our mum?” I asked him shouting it loudly as Mike and James clung to Cat and Matt stood in front of them who was holding Laura. 

They were all huddled in a corner of the room. They all looked terrified. I didn’t know what to do. What to say but…where was mum? Did that mean we were going back with him? Back to Da?

So that was it. It was over. It was Thursday and tomorrow I was…tomorrow I was his. I felt shattered. Like I wanted to scream. Like I wanted to run. I felt numb as I listened to Hank’s voice on the other side of the door.

“With your Dad. I’m supposed to be bring you home. Mr. Gables is with me. He’s supposed to drive the van back with you kids in it.” He said.

“I…I’m not opening the door for you,” I said trying to keep my voice steady, even. Trying to be brave.

Hank chuckled lightly on the other side of the door, “I will call the cops here and break down this door. John your dad is on his way and he says he missed you. All of you guys. He wants you to come home your mom misses you too. She loves you guys.”

John stood there, pale white and shaky his eyes wide, chest heaving as he stood frozen to the spot where he was standing. I didn’t know what to do but looking at my little siblings that had huddled into the corner and then John who seemed frozen I decided there was only one thing I could do. Call. Call home and see if it was true what he said. That Mum was with Da again and we were going home.

I walked over to the phone flexing my fingers before it picked it up from the cradle to try and step my hands from shaking as I dialed our home number. The phone ringing twice before someone picked up.

“Hello?” Da said into the phone.

“Hi Da? Is mum there?” I asked him.

“Yes, she’s here. You are in a lot of trouble young man. You almost missed your big day at the zoo. Now why would you go and do a thing like that?” he asked me.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. I didn’t want to think about that. I couldn’t think about that right now, “Can I talk to mum?” I asked him.

“Yes, however you and I have something to discuss later. I’m sure you understand,” he warned me to which I nodded my head before I heard mum breathing into the phone.

“Mum are you ok?” I asked her.

“Nothing that can’t be fixed love, are you guys ok? Everyone doing all right?” she asked me.

“Yeah mum, we’re ok but Da’s friend Hank is here and he said he’s supposed to take us home,” I told her.

“Ok love what I need you to do is go with him. Make sure no one is alone with him though. I want you to get your brothers and sisters in the car and I want you to keep a close eye on Mac for me. Try to make sure he’s not alone with him and you need to watch John too if you can ok? I’m not sure there’s much you can do to help him but be good and listen to what John tells you ok?”

“I’m not sure that’s going to work mum,” I said.

“Listen to John. I know it’s scary and that you’re not sure what’s going on but, you do need to come home. I don’t want to cause too much trouble so you need to open the door ok? I love and I’ll be here when you get home. I’ll be right here and everything will be ok. I would come get you myself but Da doesn’t want me to leave him right now so you need to go with Hank. I’ll talk to you later when you get back. Be good,” she told me.

“Ok mum,” I said.

“You know I love you right?” she asked me.

“Yes, I know. We love you too,” I said before hanging up the phone.

“What did she say?” John asked his lips barley moving as he stared at the wall behind my head.

“She said Da won’t let her leave the house and we need to go with Hank and his friend,” I answered him.

“Ok,” John said nodding his head before he shook it slightly from side to side blinking as if trying to pull himself out of whatever place his head was going to, as if he was trying to make himself calm because he knew he had to be because everyone else was so scared and so much was happening all at once, “Will listen to me. You need to make sure Mac is sat in the back of the van if Hank is driving ok? I don’t want him anywhere near Hank. Don’t ask why just keep him away from Hank ok?”

“I know,” I said. I didn’t bother telling him Mum had said the same thing that she had caught on that Mac was in danger but, somehow, she had, “Are you going to be ok?”

“Not really,” John admitted his tongue touching his back molar his nervous tick showing. He knew he was in trouble just like I did. That Hank was going to try to get him alone and probably succeed because it was just us. Just me and him and the kids. That we were just kids ourselves and that there wasn’t much I could do to stop Hank from hurting him.

“I guess I have to be for now though. I mean, right?” he said looking at me as if I had the answer.

I nodded my head. I was scared too. Arthur was there and Hank. We were going home and tomorrow I was…I didn’t want to think about it but thinking about it made me cringe, made a shiver shoot up my back and caused me to shake like I was cold.

“Are you ok?” he asked me frowning.

“Yeah,” I lied, “I’ll be fine. We just have to make sure everyone is safe, right?”

“Right,” John agreed before turning to look at them, “Ok come here guys.”

John gestured them to come out of their corner Matt stepping forward first and I held my arms open. He looked a mixed between scared and angry. Like he didn’t understand what was going on but he knew that something bad could happen. He knew that mum wasn’t there and something seriously bad could happen at any second. He actually accepted my hug as I rubbed the top of his head.

“Matty, I know you love them. I know you do and I need you to help us ok? We’re the oldest three we need to keep everyone has safe as we can,” I muttered to him as he hugged me.

“Because mum’s not here?” he asked quietly.

“Yeah, we’re going home,” I said, just the words making me want to cry.

“I’ll help. What do I have to do?” he asked me.

“We’re going to do the buddy system ok? How about Mike and Andy and Laura are your buddies. You keep them as safe as you can and James, Catherine, and Mac are my buddies. And then John can have Mary and Seamus be his buddies ok?” I asked him.

“Ok,” John said from beside us before he both gave us a quick hug, “We keep them safe no matter what ok?”

I looked at John’s face. I understood what he meant. Whatever Arthur or Hank asked us to do we did it. If that meant they pulled over at a rest stop and made us do things that’s what it meant. I nodded my head accepting that. That I might have to let someone…let one of them touch me if it meant making sure they didn’t touch anyone else.

“John, I’m sorry,” I said to him quietly and he nodded his head.

We both knew what was probably going to happen. And we both knew he would do it. Because I would do it too if one of them told me I had to. If they gave me a choice of myself or someone else I would choose myself. I wouldn’t subject any of my brothers to that. Or god forbid my sisters. It was us and we knew it.

“Me too,” he said barely above a whisper.

“What’s going on?” Catty asked finally leaving the corner, “I’m scared. Where’s mummy?”

“Well Catty, Mummy’s at home and there’s guys outside. Mr. Kingly and Mr. Gables and they are going to take us home too,” I told her.

“But mum was taking us away because Da does things he’s not supposed to,” Cat pointed out, “So why did she go back?”

“I don’t think she did honey. I think Daddy made her go back,” I told her.

Hank pounded on the door both John and I jumping a little at the sound, “Come on guys, open the door.”

I looked at John to see if he was ok. If he was ready for me to open the door and he sighed and shrugged his shoulders shaking his head. Almost like he was asking me what other options we had. If there was anything else we could do. We both knew there wasn’t. That Hank was going to come in here and once the stuff was in the van, we were in the van he would probably…make John stay behind. That we didn’t have much of a choice. It was going to happen. We both knew it was going to happen. I didn’t want to open the door and I didn’t want John to do it but John just nodded his head at me and undid the lock pulling it open anyway.

“Hi Hank,” John said trying to sound casual, trying to be brave and act like nothing was wrong even though his eyes were still wide his chest still heaving like he had just ran a marathon. Like he was scared to death.

“Hey kid,” Hank said smiling at him before he looked around the room, “Help Arthur get everyone packed into the van,” he said before John grabbed Mac and took him out of the room and away from Hank fast. 

If he hadn’t of grabbed Mac I would have. He was exactly Hank’s type if not a little too young. I grabbed Seamus’ carrier which was too heavy, “James bud can you help me? I need you to grab the other side so we can lift him.”

“Yeah,” James said quietly tucking Hugh under his armpit and using both his hands to pick up the other side of the baby carrier.

We were about half way to the van when an adult hand reached down and grabbed it trying to take him from me and James. Trying to take our little brother away.

“Thanks but I got it,” I said before I looked up.

It was Arthur. I knew it was him. That he was there I just hadn’t been ready to see him. Seeing him did something. It made the blood under my skin run cold. Made me feel frozen my face starting to heat up as he looked directly into my eyes.

“It’s not a big deal. I know it’s heavy,” he told me, “Let me help.”

I shook my head looking at my feet holding tighter to the handle. I wasn’t letting him take Seamus anywhere. I didn’t care how heavy his carrier was. He wasn’t taking him from my sight. I was 10 and that was my little brother and he had made me…I couldn’t imagine leaving him alone with someone even younger. Just then John turned around coming out of the van.

“I have Mac strapped back in. I can take Seamus,” John said looking at me and then giving Arthur a cold look but saying, “Thank you for helping but, I’ve got him.”

“Whatever you say,” Arthur said removing his hand from the carrier handle as John picked Seamus up easily in his carrier as Mike and Matt carried Mary each with one hand or more dragged her. John went over and grabbed Mary with his other hand before Arthur could try and help them John giving him a cold glare.

We made sure everyone was in the car and I told Matt and Mike to watch the kids and be good as I shut the door and we got ready to go get the bags. Hank came out of the hotel room and touched John’s shoulder John freezing his body hunching as Hank spoke to him.

“Come on kid, we’re going to get all of the stuff and put it in my car,” Hank said.

“Yeah,” he said looking at his feet.

This was it then. We were right. He was going to make him do things. Things he didn’t want to do and we had no way to stop him. This wasn’t fair.

“No. Come on, please?” I asked looking at Hank, hoping he would take pity on us. That he would be nice. 

Hank sighed smiling at me his hand still on John’s shoulder, “He’ll be fine. I just need some help. You’ll see him when you get home,” Hank said, “Why don’t you get in the van Will?”

“Don’t you need more help than just him?” I asked him.

“No, he’s got it,” Arthur said, “Come on,” Arthur said reaching out to touch me causing me to recoil.

Hank’s smile grew as he looked at me, at Arthur. He seemed amused that I was so scared. He had no idea what Arthur had done to me. I was sure he had no idea, “Have fun Arthur. I’ll see you when we get home ok?”

“You too,” Arthur said, “Front seat Will.”

Front seat? Where he could…no. I shook my head.

“Don’t tell me no. I might not be allowed to touch you sexually or hurt you too much but, that doesn’t mean I can’t leave a bruise or two. So, watch it. And get in the fucking front seat,” Arthur hissed at me.

I sighed climbing into the front seat as he shut the door for me before coming around and getting into the driver’s seat. I didn’t want to be that close to him. Didn’t want to have to sit next to him as he drove me home. As he drove back to Lionel.

“You’re lucky you didn’t miss your date,” Arthur said loud enough for just me to hear, “He’d be really pissed if you had.”

“Date?”

“That’s what it is. It might not be dinner in a movie but when you’re trying to woo a 10-year-old I think most people take a slightly different approach. Cole liked go carts,” he told me causing me to look at him.

“What?” he asked me before he dared to glance at me before turning back to traffic.

I shook my head. Lionel used to take Cole to go riding go carts? Was that what he was telling me? Why would he tell me that?

“Relax,” he said, “God if you weren’t off limits…” he sighed.

“Don’t,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Don’t you want any tips? He likes getting head. You’re good at it. If you don’t want him to get too handsy you should try it. It might help you out if you’re not interested in him that is,” Arthur said.

I gulped. I wasn’t ok with talking about this. Not with my brothers in the seat behind me. Not with…no. I wasn’t ok with this. 

“If he likes you I’ll get to see you again at some point I’m sure. The way your older brother is you have any of that streak in you, you’ll be coming to see me at some point I’m sure. He uses me when his boys disobey because I make them feel grateful they don’t have to deal with someone like me. I make them feel grateful Lionel is such a caring man,” he told me, “I look forward to teaching you when you step out of line.”

“What makes you think I will?” I asked before I could stop myself feeling my face go red with shame that I hadn’t controlled my temper.

I heard him chuckle lightly, “That’s the boy I remember from a couple weeks ago.”

I felt my face get even hotter. I didn’t want to be sitting next to him anymore. Not anywhere near as close as I was. I turned and looked out the window. I didn’t want to talk to him anymore and he didn’t make me. He kept his hands to himself. Not bothering to touch me and by the time we had gotten home everyone was asleep behind me and we pulled up into the drive way. There was a car there that I didn’t recognize. 

“Look who came to get you for your date early. Or late depending on how you look at it considering it’s 2am,” Arthur said as he parked the car.

It was his car. He was here to take me away. To do things to me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t want to do that. I wasn’t ok with them. Him and Da both came out the kitchen door as Arthur parked the van. I didn’t want to see them. I wanted mum. I wanted to know mum was ok. 

Da opened the van door and unbuckled James who stayed dead asleep even as he handed him over to Lionel, “God he’s precious,” Lionel said barely above a whisper as I finally managed to move getting out of the car.

“hi,” I said quietly Lionel looking up to see me his eyes lighting up.

“There you are,” he said quietly, “How was your adventure little one?”

I didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t an adventure at least not a very good one. I was tired and he had my brother in his arms. My brother that he had raped James’ eyes snapping open and his head instantly supporting itself as he looked up at Lionel his little lip trembling.

“Let me have him,” I said holding out my arms.

“It’s all right,” Lionel said holding him trying to force James’ head back down onto his shoulder, “It’s all right. I won’t hurt you. You know I won’t hurt you.”

“Mummy?” James barely managed to mutter.

“He’s about to start screaming,” I warned him, “Give him to me. Please?”

He sighed and put James down who ran to me hugging me before he started frantically whisper so quietly I couldn’t hear what he was saying as he squeezed me before he bit the front of my shirt little sobs ripping through his body. I wanted to cry with him. He’d touched him, Da had handed him right to the guy. The guy that had…

I turned so I was faced away from them holding him tightly, “We’re ok. We’re going to be ok.”

“Da?” Matt asked climbing out of the car as Arthur pulled Seamus’ car seat out of the back seat of the van.

“Hey, it’s ok. Mum just needs some rest so I need to get you guys to bed,” he said as Uncle Ben came out of the house.

“He’s going to…” James’ barely managed to whisper.

“No bud it won’t be you,” I told him, “It won’t be you. I won’t let it happen to you ok? He’s not here to see you.”

“Why don’t you let your brothers take him up to bed he looks exhausted,” Lionel said putting his hands on each of my shoulders causing me to freeze up. Him just touching my shoulders making my face feel hot.

I gulped and nodded my head. He was right James didn’t need to be here. He should go upstairs, “Go on bud,” I encouraged him.

“Come on James,” Catty said coming up to him and grabbing his hand leading him away.

Even Catty could sense something was wrong. That something was very wrong as Da grabbed carriers and walked past me. I wanted to say something to Da, to beg him not to let Lionel touch me. To beg Da to tell him to stop but he just ignored me, not even looking at me as he walked past me.

“Do you want to come swimming with me?” Lionel asked me.

“I’m tired,” I barely whispered.

“Come on. I bet you’ve never swam at night before. It can be fun,” he told me.

I was really beyond tired though. I just wanted to sleep. I didn’t want to go swimming with him. I didn’t want to be near him. I didn’t want…I didn’t want any of it.

“It’ll be fun,” he said again guiding me through the house by my shoulders and into the formal living room where he opened up the sliding glass doors that lead to the indoor pool room. It looked nice in the darkness he was right. Like it might be fun if I was with someone I wanted to actually spend time with. He hit a button on the wall turning on the overhead lights and flipping the electronic blinds that shuddered the windows so no one could see in before he pulled his sweater over his head and put it on a longue chair.

So, he wanted to swim with me, like that? Naked. Because I knew he didn’t have swim suit. He couldn’t and sure enough he excitedly stepped out of his pants and underwear looking at me expectantly, “Come on little one. I won’t hurt you. We’ll just swim that’s all.”

I hugged myself. I wanted to keep my clothes on looking anywhere else but at him, at how naked he was, how wrinkly and old his skin looked. I felt my body shaking. I didn’t want this.

He sighed heavily before he got down gently onto his knees in front of me, “It’s ok really. I promise little one I won’t hurt you. We’re just going to swim.”

His hands went to the button on my Khakis. On my school uniform that I was still wearing pieces of my vest and tie and blazer packed away in one of the duffle bags Hank had with him and John in his car where ever they were. I felt my face go red as he got the button undone.

“God you’re so sweet,” he said barely above a whisper, “It’s ok though. I promise.”

I didn’t want him to undress me but my arms felt almost like they were stuck where they were until he moved them to pull my shirt and under shirt over my head at the same time just like he had pulled my pants and boxers off together until I was naked.  
He kissed the spot below my belly button me feeling light headed before he got up slowly and grabbed me by the hand leading me into the pool.

I remember thinking about how warm the water was. How it was probably heated and I had never thought about it before. He looked at me.

“Are you ok little one?” he asked me.

I nodded my head. He wasn’t touching me, he was literally just looking at me but we were both in the water me up to my waist so I didn’t feel like I was standing there exposed. I didn’t exactly feel safe but, I no longer felt exposed.

“Can you tell me what happened? Why you left?” he asked me.

“I don’t know,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“Do you think you have a guess? You are a rather intelligent young man. I’m sure you can come up with an idea,” he told me as he swam out farther away from me so that he was treading water.

“My mum wanted to get us away,” I told him.

“Why is that? Did you tell her about us? Because I thought this was…this was special to you. Like it is to me,” he told me.

“I didn’t say anything,” I told him feeling unsure of myself. 

I knew I hadn’t said anything because Dr. Palmer had told me not to say anything because he would hurt my mum if I did. That I would be in trouble and he might kill her if I said anything about it.

“Ok,” he said swimming closer to me, “Come here.”

I took a step or two back. I didn’t want to come to him. I didn’t have any clothes on. He swam to me and grabbed me by the arms starting to pull me rather forcefully towards the deeper end of the pool.

I wanted to tell him to stop but he was like Da. You didn’t tell him what to do. I was smart enough to know that. To read it in his face and remember the warning he had given me at my branding. That no wasn’t a word I was allowed to use. He used to water to help him lift me, hold me. His hands going to my lower back before they slid lower cupping my butt cheeks making my eyes go wide making me want to push him away.

“It’s ok little one. We’re just swimming,” he insisted his hands starting to rub my butt in slow circles.

My brain wanted me to scream and I found I couldn’t. I found I couldn’t even speak. Him pressing me tighter against him his nose brushing against mine. I could smell his breath on my face, As I tried not to look at him.

“little one?” he asked me barely above a whisper pulling my gaze to him. He had been talking and I hadn’t heard a word, “There you are,” he smiled at me, “I asked you a question you remember what it was?”

I shook my head in response. No, I had no idea what he had asked me but he didn’t ask it again instead kissing my cheek making me cringe his light pecks moving closer and closer to my mouth as I tried to avoid his lips. To keep them from meeting mine before one of his hands left my bottom and went to the back of my neck forcing my head to be still as he finally managed to land a peck on my lips before he tried to force his tongue into my mouth. He squeezed the back of my neck forcefully when I wouldn’t open my mouth to let him in. When I refused to do what he wanted he squeezed. It hurt me enough I started trying to pull away.

“STOP!” he yelled loudly. The yell scaring me as it echoed around the room, “You do what I say when I say it. You understand that?”

I went to go nod my head the skin on the back of my neck being pinched even harder as he shook his head at me before he spoke again, “Use your words. I know you’re a shy boy and I love that about you little one, I really do but I want you to use your words. You understand, yes?”

“Y-y-yes,” I said not looking at him.

Just hearing my own voice, how weak and stupid and helpless it sounded made me blush, not able to look at him anymore. I didn’t want to do this anymore. I wanted his hands off me. I wanted it to be over. I didn’t want to be naked in the pool with him, his body pressed against mine as he told me it was ok because we were “just swimming”. 

“Good,” he barely whispered, “now let’s try again ok?”

I looked at him. I wanted to cry but all I could do was stare at him silently as he tilted his head slightly to left, his lips meeting mine his tongue coaxing my mouth open. I was shivering. Not because I was cold, the water was warm but because I was afraid. I was afraid if I didn’t do it he would hurt me or worse go and make my Da get James. James that Da would gladly hand over to him and he’d make him do this stuff with him. Make James kiss him. He swam us over to the side of the pool and lifted me out over the edge as he swam to the ladder at the deep end and climbed out. He held out his hand giving me this look that told me he didn’t want to waste time. That I had better accept him helping me up or else.

I took it allowing him to help me to my feet and then he grabbed both of our clothes, “Come on little one,” he said hitting the button to open the blinds and turn off the light as he opened the door with his free hand.

Everyone else was gone. I had no idea where they were or what they were doing but they were probably upstairs in bed. I felt tired. I wanted to go to bed and he must have read my mind because he gestured for me to go upstairs and so I did. He got on the lift and I thought he was going to take me all the way upstairs but the lift stopped at the 3rd floor. This was…this wasn’t good.

“We’re just going to relax little one, that’s all,” he told me.

I knew that’s not what was happening. That we weren’t just relaxing as he walked me to one of the smaller guest suites and opened the door. The bed was covered in rose petals making me frown at him as he came into the room shutting the door behind him as he dropped our clothes on the ground in a pile by the door and locked it. Yeah this was bad.

“You have something to ask?” he questioned looking at me.

“I…,” my whole body was shaking I was so nervous. So, scared. I wanted to know what he was doing. It seemed like he lied about everything. Every move he made he lied about it. Almost like he was lying to keep me calm, to just make me do what he wanted me to even though I had to do it anyway. So why lie about it?

“Oh, are you cold?” he asked me his eyes going wide in realization that we were both wet. That it was probably cold and I probably wanted clothes or something. He moved quickly scooping the flower petals off the bed and into a little bowl and turning over the bed clothes, “Come on, get under the covers little one. I’m sorry. I forget sometimes that you guys can get cold easy. It’s ok, come on.”

I sighed climbing into the bed, doing as I was told. I didn’t want to see him really mad. He seemed like Uncle Ben that way. Slightly mad was a little abusive, a pinch or a slap but really mad was…was worse.

“There we go,” he said tucking me in, “Better?”

“I thought you were taking me to the zoo tomorrow?” I asked him.

“Oh, I am,” he said nodding his head as he stepped around the bed grabbing something from the night stand before I could see what it was and turning off the light, “We’ll still go. I just wanted to check on you. I’m sure you can understand that. I want to make sure you’re being taken care of. You’re very important to me little one. You understand that, don’t you?”

“Aye,” I said barely above a whisper as he settled into the bed next to me.

I was very aware we were both still naked even though I couldn’t really see yet, my eyes not adjusted to the dark. I felt his hand on my thigh and it took everything in me not to move away, not to get up and scramble out of bed.

“There’s my good boy,” he said his hand wrapping around my leg and pulling me closer to him forcing me to lay down flat next to him as my eyes started adjusting to the darkness.

I felt that coldness creep up from my feet into my legs making my whole body feel like stone. Making it hard to move, hard to think. This was where his mouth went on me. I knew that was next and I closed my eyes waiting to feel him. Instead his weight shifted some more and I felt the blanket lift.

He smiled at me, “I don’t want you to get cold,” he said scooting so that his body was below the covers throwing them over his head. He started kissing my chest his tongue gliding over my nipples.

I closed my eyes hoping he would just stop. That he would stop rubbing my hips and legs as he kissed and licked and sucked on my chest making my whole-body shiver and shudder. Making it hard to breathe as his lips started trailing lower. His tongue dipped into my belly button causing me to jolt and I heard him chuckle lightly, felt his laugh against my skin.

“A sensitive spot huh?” he asked me pulling the covers off his head for a minute, “Ticklish there?”

I didn’t know what to say. It had tickled. I would be lying if I said no but I didn’t want to admit it to him. I didn’t want him touching me like that. I didn’t want his mouth on me.

“Little one, come back to me,” he whispered quietly grabbing my attention, “I asked if it tickled.”

I felt my face heating up as I brought my shoulders up to my neck. He wanted me to use my words. He wanted me to speak and I couldn’t. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t lie so I couldn’t say anything. 

“It’s ok little one,” he muttered, “Tell me how you feel. Let me know what I feel like,” he said his hand sliding down my brand to my crotch in-between my legs.

I wasn’t ready for that me letting out a tiny gasp as I felt him grab me, start touching me, “Does it feel good? It’s ok if it feels good. You have such a sweet ripe piece of fruit between your legs,” he told me playing with me, feeling me.

I inhaled through my nose and exhaled through my mouth trying to keep myself from panting. Trying to keep myself calm and finding it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to stop my body from trembling, to stop the tears from forming in my eyes as I stared up at the ceiling.

“It’s ok that it feels good little one. I want to make you feel good,” he muttered the words directly into my belly button his hand moving back down my legs as his head got close to that part of me again the covers no longer over top of him, no longer on me.

I wanted him to stop. I wanted to scream at him to stop and I knew that doing so would just get me hurt or worse someone else. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to respond.

“Why don’t you tell me how you feel little one?” he asked me, “I just want to know how you feel. That you feel good.”

He kissed my pelvis right above my shaft an involuntary squeak escaping.

“Do you want me to? Do you want me to suck that sweet succulent juice from you? I bet it tastes good,” he said before he put his mouth around me.

“Ah,” escaped before I slapped my hand over my mouth. I hadn’t been ready for it. For him to just do it like that.

He stopped, taking his mouth off me and then grabbing my hand moving it away from my mouth, “I like noises little one. You don’t have to hide them. I want to hear it. I want to know I’m making you feel good,” he said before his mouth went back around me.

I felt beyond frozen. Every time his tongue rolled or something my whole body jumping as it felt like I was getting a shock to some of my most sensitive parts. I tried to be quiet. Without being allowed to cover my mouth though and my teeth chattering every time I managed to shut it I kept squeaking and whimpering.

“Such a ripe little fruit,” he muttered after a while putting his hands under my legs and lifting them up him not even giving me warning before he stuck his tongue in me. He wouldn’t stop. His tongue going there and then sliding back up my crack his mouth going other places. Now that was somewhere no one had ever really been before. Him putting my whole sack in his mouth. Before he wrapped his lips back around me. He shoved his fingers in me. The pressure too much causing me to whimper and wiggle. I don’t know how he could tell but he started sucking harder if that was at all possible until I felt that weird need to push my whole body tensing before I ejaculated into his mouth. He moaned happily as he swallowed it.

“My good boy huh? My good little one. I bet you enjoyed that. That it made you tingle in all the right places,” he muttered as he started kissing up my chest climbing on top of me.

My body was too weak to move, too weak to fight as he climbed on top of me, lining up and pressing into me. Raping me as he moaned into my skin.

“You feel amazing. Such a sweet beautiful boy. Just like satin. You feel so good little one, so sweet. Everything about you just right and perfect. Such a sweet little one. My good boy, my good little boy,” he moaned into my neck over and over me only barely managing a gasp as he started hitting against my prostate. Him grunting loudly into my ear as he grabbed me holding me as closely as he could.

He did until he was done, his whole-body shuddering before he went slack pulling out and rolling off me. I felt sticky, gross. Dr. Palmer had been right. He had done it the same way Da did. Without a condom. The idea causing my body to shiver as I tried to roll out of bed him grabbing me by the hips.

“Please,” I begged him finally finding my voice for the first time since he had taken me into that bedroom.

I just wanted him to stop, to be finished. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I wanted to go upstairs. To shower and cry and scream. I wanted him away from me.

“It’s ok little one,” he said, “We’re going to go to sleep now.”

“Please,” I begged him again begging him to let me go, to just let me leave.

“Shhh…it’s all right. I’m right here,” he muttered into my back before he spooned up against me holding me there, falling asleep with his arms around me.

I don’t remember falling asleep, more staring at the wall trying to be as still as possible. Wishing he would just let me go so that I could get up and shower. Because I didn’t want to be there anymore. I didn’t have to have to feel him against my skin. I figured when he woke up he’d want something else and that wasn’t something I was ok with. I wanted to cry but I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Of knowing I was crying.

So, I laid there trying to stay calm even though my whole body felt like it was shaking. Every cell in my body fighting me. Me trying not to squirm and wiggle away from him. We were supposed to go to the zoo but, I couldn’t sleep. Not at all.  
Around the time the sun started coming up I heard Da use the com, not being able to hear what he was saying into it through the door but hearing it before the lift turned on. When it stopped there was muffled thump against the wall. I could hear muffled voices, one of them higher pitched and I knew it was John, that he was home.

After a while it quieted down. At least for 10 minutes or so before I heard muffled moaning through the wall. I could tell that wasn’t Da but that it was Da doing something to him, raping him. I closed my eyes trying to block out the sound. Trying not to focus on it even though it was silent besides John’s moaning that started growing louder. Lionel shifted making me freeze. No, he wasn’t waking up. He couldn’t be waking up. Please god no.

He sighed rolling over in his sleep making me relax for the first time in hours even though I still wanted to cry, not just for me but for my brother. After some point the sounds changed and started to sound like muffled crying and protest. Like his body was done and Da was still going. Like he wanted to beg Da to stop and he wouldn’t.

“LET ME GO!” I heard screamed clearly through the wall Lionel sitting up rapidly blinking before he looked around the room his eyes finding me as he smiled.

“I almost forgot where I was,” he told me, “Are you ok little one?”

No, no I wasn’t ok. He was awake now. He was awake looking at me as my brother continued to scream Da’s voice getting louder too as he talked to him trying to calm him down.

“That’s my brother,” I said saying the first thing that came to mind.

“You want to go check on him?” Lionel asked me to which I nodded my head, “Ok, you can go. Just come back to be when you’re done ok? Then we’ll get a little more sleep before we head off to the zoo.”

“Thank you,” I said.

I don’t even know why I said it. Probably because I knew he was giving me permission. It felt like he was doing me a favor because if he had told me to stay put I knew I wouldn’t have any choice but to do what he said. It wasn’t like I could fight him. I knew he was in his late 50’s at the oldest and he was old and gray but he was still stronger than I was. He wasn’t weak or feeble by any means. He could have easily pinned me down and forced me to stay with him like he had been doing all night.

I turned and left the room quickly shutting the door behind me grabbing my pants and putting them on so that I wasn’t naked when I opened the door to the room. I tried knocking before I went in but, there was no answer John’s crying and screaming probably covering the sound.

“John?” I asked quietly when I opened the door.

Da was in bed with him holding him tightly John’s arms crossed over the front of his chest with Da’s arms wrapped around his own. Like he was trying to fight Da or had been. He looked beyond upset. The fact that Da was touching him making it worse. Making him want to struggle harder but him knowing better, knowing Da was already angry. Knowing he was pushing his luck as it was and lucky Da didn’t want to hurt him.

“Will, go back upstairs,” Da told me.

Like I had been upstairs at all. The look he gave me though told me that he had known I was down there. Him daring me with his eyes to say otherwise, a warning. A warning not to say anything to John. That if I did and something happened it would be my fault. That I would be responsible for it.

“Da, what are you doing? I heard him screaming upstairs,” I asked Da calmly doing what his eyes told me to do. To lie, to not let John know anything. To not let him know Lionel was there.

“I’m waiting to see if he still wants to kill himself when he’s finished throwing his fit,” Da said resting his head against the back of John’s and sighing deeply, breathing him in.

Just seeing it, seeing him touch him but not be sexual was weird. It was a romantic gesture. One that John should be sharing with Pat not, one Da should be doing to him. It made me feel sick seeing it, him holding John in bed like that while he cried and screamed. Da’s hands on him making it worse. Making everything worse for him.

I sighed thinking of my words carefully, hoping they wouldn’t make Da mad, “Well Da, he’s no longer screaming and sobbing so I’d say he’s done. By the blank look on his face I’d say you’ve broken him,” I said trying to keep my voice from sounding angry.  
“You really think he won’t move once I let him go?” Da asked me raising a questioning eye brow at me.

“Try it,” I said nodding my head, “Go on. I promise you if he does move it won’t be a lot.”

I held my breath, hoping I was right. That John was smart enough he was paying attention even if he felt numb and far away. That he wouldn’t move. That way Da would let him go. He needed to be let go and we both knew it. Just like I had needed Lionel to let me go. The only thing worse then what they did was when they held you after they were done. Made you lay with them.

Da shifted a little bit letting him go before Da sighed, “I know what will get him back,” he said his hand moving under the blanket like he was going to touch John there, put his hand in-between John’s legs.

“Da I really think that’s something you should avoid unless you want the screaming to start again. Uncle Ben has done it to me enough times I know what’s going to happen here. What you need to do is leave him alone for a little bit,” I told Da trying very carefully not to use the words don’t, shouldn’t or anything that implied he should not do something that would make him angry.

Da sighed his hand resting at his side before he got up, “All right. I’ll come check on him later,” he said finally getting up and starting to grab his clothes, “Are you going to sit here and watch him to make sure he doesn’t jump off the balcony when he comes to?” he asked me.

“Does that mean you are going to leave him alone for a while?”

“If you aren’t going to watch him I’ll take him downstairs and chain him up. You want that for him? You think he can deal with that?” Da said his eyes going cold.

No. No he couldn’t deal with that. I knew he couldn’t. I was just worried about what that would mean for me. I cleared my throat before I walked close to Da John’s face still blank, his eyes staring at nothing like he had given up the fight, like he had checked out.

“What about…?” I stared to ask before I felt my face turning red.

I felt embarrassed to admit he was still there. Thinking about how he was waiting for me to come back. To go back in there to him. I didn’t want to think about how I was his. How John had to do those things with Da and I had to do those things with him.  
“Don’t worry about it,” Da said quietly before he cleared his throat.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “You win this time.”

Really, I was thankful. I was beyond thankful that I didn’t have to go back into that room with him. Hopefully he would go to sleep and when he woke up he would just decide he didn’t want to be around anymore and leave. I knew I probably wouldn’t be that lucky but, I could hope.

“Son,” Da said smiling at my words because apparently they were funny, “I win every time. Ask your brother when he comes to. I’ll be back in a little bit.”

He left us there. I stood there for a minute waiting for John to move or say something and he didn’t. He stayed staring off at nothing. I was afraid he was really broken. He seemed broken. As broken as I felt. I sighed and sat at the end of the bed in front of him where he could see me, “Well, this is a shit show.”

His eyes shifted to me but otherwise he didn’t say anything, didn’t move. I didn’t know what else to say so I started thinking of things I would say if I had seen anyone else since I couldn’t tell him the truth saying something about Mike and James helping me out with the babies while Cat asked about him. Something else about how we could hear him screaming upstairs to try and explain away why I was down there to begin with.

“Don’t tell me I don’t know what it feels like. I know what it feels like every time Uncle Ben locks me in that fucking room so don’t even start,” I said before I went silent again.

He still didn’t say anything. For a minute, I thought maybe he might be mad at me “Sorry,” I said quietly trying to hold back tears. I couldn’t stand the thought of him being mad at me. Not after Lionel. Not when I needed him so badly to understand and I had just said something so mean, “That probably wasn’t the right thing to say. I know there’s a lot going on right now and that you have your own problems you’re dealing with. I’m just so tired John. All the time and I’m so angry that we’re back here. I think everyone is. This isn’t fair, especially to you. I’m sorry. I need you. Don’t shut down like mum does please,” I begged him before I scooted up the bed so that I was sitting where Da had been only above the covers.

I closed my eyes staring to cry. I needed my brother. I needed him to hug me and tell me it was ok. That even if I couldn’t tell him the truth. I needed him to tell me that I was ok. That things would be all right.

“I want it to be done,” he said barely whispering the words. His didn’t really move as he said it. Almost like he didn’t speak at all, his face still blank, his body still limp.

“I know,” I agreed quietly, “Me too.”

“I don’t think you guys could make it without me though,” he said before he turned his head to look at me the first real sign that he wasn’t completely broken. That he hadn’t completely given up.

“We couldn’t but not because of what you think,” I said to him. His hand slowly reached for me and I took it squeezing it lightly in my fingers. Feeling grateful that he cared enough to see I was in pain. To see that I needed him, someone who wasn’t going to do those things with me.

“What do you think I mean?” he asked me.

“Because Da usually goes after you instead of someone else. That’s not why we need you. We need you because of everything you do to take care of us, not that,” I told him, “You do everything you can to distract everyone else from what’s going on. I mean you play Barbie’s and trucks when there are so many other things you could do to keep yourself happy and occupied when they aren’t with you and yet you spend that time either sleeping or doing things for us.”

“I don’t think I have enough in me to do anything anymore,” he said his eyes looking lost, sad. He looked like he wanted to cry again but he wasn’t sure he could.

“The fact that you’re still here tells me you’re a lot stronger than you think you are,” I told him.

“You know it’s that bad?” he asked me.

Of course, I did. How could I not? He had no idea. He didn’t know and I wasn’t allowed to tell him any of it. I couldn’t keep him safe. I couldn’t keep me safe, or anyone else. Of course, I knew it was bad.

“Yeah,” I whispered, “I know it’s that bad and I feel so pissed I can’t do anything to get them to leave you alone.”

“That’s not your job though,” he said moving looking at our hands, the hands that were holding each other because he couldn’t do more than that. Because he couldn’t stand the thought of someone that close to him. Hugging him or touching him in any other way than just holding his hand gently.

“No. That makes it worse though because they aren’t supposed to be doing it in the first place and yet, here we are,” I muttered looking down at our hands too.

I remembered something looking at our hands. My hand being smaller, and him holding it as I cried as he told me it would be ok that mum would be home soon. That Da would quit yelling and Ben would go away. That we didn’t have to hide forever just long enough. Just long enough for mum to get home before he kissed my forehead and left me there in that darkness. Inside the closet. Before Da stopped yelling. Before…

“I’m just tired. That’s all.”

“You’re beyond tired John, don’t lie. I know that look. I see it on mum’s face every other day. I feel it stretched across my own face when I try to smile,” I admitted to him.

“He said I wouldn’t have to be with anyone else for a while. I don’t know if that makes it better or worse,” he told me after a couple of minutes.

Just him? Did that mean there were more people than just Hank and the guy he had told me about? The guy at the restaurant? How many other people were there?

“How many people has been passing you to?” I asked him.

He shrugged his shoulder sadly. He didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t blame him. I didn’t want to talk about it either. Not about Lionel or Barry. Not about anyone. Not even about how he had almost offered me to father Barney but, I knew he needed to know he wasn’t alone.

“There’s a teacher at school,” I said after thinking about it, how much of a truth I should tell him versus’ lies. Lies to keep things from him. So that he didn’t have to know about Lionel. So, he didn’t have to know about Barry. That it was the headmaster. That he was the one who …that he was the first one besides Da or uncle Ben, “He called Da and got permission to spend time with me. At least I have an A in math, right?”

He sighed heavily, “Hank mostly.”

“Ouch,” I said because I couldn’t think of anything else to say. I didn’t know if there was anything else to say, “Why can’t our lives be normal?” I asked him.

“Because our Da is a nasty person who gets off on hurting people,” John muttered.

Did Da hit him? Da looked like he could hit me sometimes. Sometimes I even felt like he wanted to. When I did something to make him really mad. But had he ever really hit him? Was he like Uncle Ben?

“Does he really hurt you? Like, I know Uncle Ben throws punches, I know that really well trust me but, does Da?” I asked him.

“No,” he said quietly, “He hurts differently. You know what I mean.”

“So, it’s always like that?” I asked.

Him always muttering dirty things into your skin. Always making you feel gross. Telling you that you wanted it. Asking you if you wanted it. Telling you that you felt good. Calling you names.

“Like what?” he asked me frowning.

“You know,” I said not wanting to mention it. 

Not wanting to mention the name calling and the swearing and the things he said that made you feel gross. That made you wonder if it was your fault, if you had done something to make him want to do it with you.

“Don’t play game right now Will. Just ask whatever it is you’re asking please. My brain is too tired to process any between the lines shit,” he muttered pinching the bridge of his nose, letting go of my hand.

“The stuff he says. The way he makes it…feel almost like you might…want it,” the last two words came out in barely a whisper.

I didn’t want to admit that. That Da made it feel that way. Made it feel good. Like John said it did. How his body responded to it. How I didn’t want to admit that mine felt the same way.

“Yes,” he answered after a minute or two of silence before we both fell silent again.

I didn’t want him to make me feel that way. I didn’t want anyone to make me feel that way. Not the way Da did or Lionel. Not the way any of them did.

“Oh,” I said quietly not sure what else to say, “You said he comes to you every night?”

I didn’t think it was every night. Every night would be too much for me. Every night would drive me crazy. I looked at him and he was crying. Tears streaming down his face as he nodded his head.

No. I remember thinking that. That it couldn’t true that Da would do that to him, make him do that. That wasn’t fair. It wasn’t ok.

“I’m sorry. That really sucks,” I said quietly because I wasn’t sure what else to say.

“I hate him so much but, I hate myself so much more,” he said his voice sounding thick with tears.

“You shouldn’t hate yourself because there are so many people who care about you. Because you are a great person and you care about so many people even though your life really sucks. You try so hard to make sure everyone else is ok all the time and that should be something that makes you proud of yourself, that makes you feel confident. You shouldn’t hate yourself,” I said taking his hand in mine again.

“I can’t even look at myself in the mirror you know? All I see is what they see. Something that’s not quiet human. Not a guy but not a girl, not really an adult but not quite as soft as a kid. Someone who isn’t tall enough or short enough, someone with just the right amount of hair to make them happy so I don’t have to shave. Everything about me and this body is wrong and yet they like it,” he said his voice sounding thick.

So, he wasn’t comfortable in his own skin because of them. I could relate to that. I had started wishing lately that I was older already. My body stronger, bigger, taller. Because then he wouldn’t want me anymore. Everyone said that. That he liked younger kids. Usually younger than even I was. So, if I just got bigger he wouldn’t want me anymore.

“You’ll grow. Your body will change and then maybe most of them will leave you alone. You don’t know,” I said to both myself and to him.

“I doubt it,” he answered, “Da said once he can’t wait to see what I look like when I harden up. Like I’m some type of fucking food that needs to age to get better. Like I said I’m not really human. Especially not to them. So, why on earth am I still here?”

“Because you know there are people who need you,” I told him, “You know I can’t do this without you. That they can’t do this without you and as much as it hurts you to be here, you know this is where you belong. Where you need to be. Where we need to be.”

Watching him cry made me start crying. I didn’t want him to cry. I knew it was hard for him, that he was hurting and he felt desperate but so did I. It wasn’t easy. None of it was easy.

“It’s not fair that he can’t leave me alone,” John said.

“I know. If I could get him to stop even for a little bit I would, I swear to you I would,” I told him, “I am so sorry he’s such an asshole to you even more than he is to anyone else.”

He hugged me. Probably seeing my own tears. It was the best hug I’d had in a while. Just having my brother hug me and have it not be anything sexual or gross. Just to have someone hold me because they loved me and they cared that I was sad and stressed. It felt good to know someone loved me for just being me. Because he was my brother and he cared. Because he wanted me to feel better and to comfort him too his hand stroking my back like mum often did when I cried into her arms. He held me until we both calmed down, both quit crying before he pulled away causing me to sit up too as he put his feet over the edge of the bed.

“You’re not going to do it, are you?” I asked him gesturing with my head towards the balcony.

I didn’t want him to jump. I needed him. I wanted him to feel better but, I didn’t want him to kill himself.

“No,” he sighed smiling sadly at me, “I don’t think I have the energy to anyway. Like you said I know deep down this is where I need to be. Even if it’s hell. I just need to shower.”

I nodded my head in response. I could understand that. I still felt like I needed a shower. I could still feel him all over me. Dry and crusty making my skin itch but I knew I had to wait a little longer. To make sure John was safe.

“Ok,” I told him, “I’ll be here when you get out and then we can go upstairs.”

“Why?” John asked me frowning, “He’ll get to me anyway might as well stay down here where there’s a bigger bed so I don’t have to feel him so close to my skin. Even when he’s not touching me later.” He told me shrugging his shoulders as he stood up walking towards the bathroom.

“Don’t you feel them?” I asked him suddenly remembering something he had told me before. That he always felt them for a while after they were done, after they had stopped touching him, “For like hours after? You know after one them…” I trailed off my chest feeling tight as my face burned with shame just talking about it.

“Sometimes all day until a couple of hours before it happens again. Probably another reason I can’t stand to look at myself,” he admitted to me.

“Does anything make it go away?” I asked him.

He smiled lightly thinking about it before he answered, “Pat. When he touches me it feels like he’s melting them away. Almost like he’s the sun melting ice.”

I almost snorted sorry I had asked. He had it bad. For Pat. Like he really liked him. Just like Pat had told me the same thing, that he really cared about John. I didn’t imagine it ending well for them but I was glad they were happy. But did that mean they were having sex without Da there. Outside of what Da was making them do? That was dangerous. That was super dangerous.

“Touches you?” I asked about to tell him what a bad idea that was. How that had gotten Cole in trouble, how that’s why he had lost Justin.

He blushed his eyes going wide as he understood what I was asking, “It’s not like that. We haven’t really done any of that. Just when he touches my skin was all I meant.”

I sat there for a minute thinking it over. John had never seemed interested in guys while we were at boarding school. There were plenty of guys that were 11 or older that fooled around with each other because of the simple fact there were no girls around and it could be fun. It could feel better and seem more exciting than masturbating alone so they would do it to each other instead. I thought it was weird and always wondered if they did other things.

If they kissed and held each other like someone would a girl. If it felt good. John didn’t seem the type to wonder that. Weekends at home he was always away at the neighbor’s house. They had a daughter his age and a son and he would hang out with them. Spend hours over there talking to the girl and hanging out with just her sometimes. So, did that mean my brother was…gay? I knew what gay was. Obviously, I really understood the concept but did that mean John was gay because he liked Pat like that. Did he think about boys the way I did?

“Are you gay?” I asked him feeling embarrassed that I was even questioning it, “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being gay. Especially being stuck in what we’re stuck in. I won’t tell mum because mum is totally against it.” I added quickly trying to explain myself.

“I think it’s just him,” he told me running a hand through his hair as he sat back down on the bed next to me pulling the blanket back over his lap.

He had been naked standing there talking to me and I had basically been ignoring that fact. I mean he was my brother and I’d seen him naked about a million times in my life. I hadn’t been checking him out but I could understand why he didn’t want to stand there naked next to me. I mean I felt pretty naked too being only in my underwear but I wasn’t about to get under the covers with him because of obvious reasons. One being Da’s germs all over the sheets.

“It’s something about him. I don’t picture myself with any other guy willingly,” he told me, “Why are you gay?”

I felt my face glowing red as I thought about it. I had to be right? The fact that I wondered what it felt like to hold Cole’s hand. That sometimes I saw guys and I wondered what it might be like to talk to them, the thought making me nervous. That I wondered what they smelt like, what they’re lips would feel like against mine. What it would be like to be their friend and actually talk to them. However, whenever I had those thoughts I felt myself stopping them. Stopping myself from wondering about it because it would never happen. I was just a kid. I wasn’t old enough. They wouldn’t have any interest in me and if they did that might not be a good thing. They might be like Da and Lionel and want to do things I didn’t want to do. Or maybe I’d find I didn’t like them at all but they would make me kiss them anyway or worse.

It was confusing, scary. Knowing that they were all over the place. That anyone could be in the brotherhood and if I tried to make friends with the wrong person they would hurt me. They would probably really hurt me like Da hurt me and Lionel and all of them. I didn’t want that. If that’s what sex was like I didn’t want it.

“I don’t know,” I answered his question quietly, “Maybe. I haven’t really been with anyone to really tell but I know that kissing girls doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t seem like it would make me feel like the movies show it should.”

“You’re almost 11,” John said smiling at me like he was amused, “So, I don’t think any kiss is going to feel the way the movies make it seem. Are there any guys you think are super cute?” he asked me.

Cole. That was the first person I thought of. The way his hair shone like gold whenever the sunlight caught it the right way. Like on that first day I met him. The way when he found something amusing his eyes squinted a little bit. The way he laughed and could laugh so hard he sometimes fell over. That’s what John met by cute I thought. Not just physically attractive but, everything about them. The way they moved and acted. The way being with them or thinking of being with them made you want to smile.

“How do I know if I think someone is cute?” I asked him.

“Well,” he said sighing, “The first time I saw Pat my heart felt like it was kind of dancing and my stomach got all light and fluttery. You know, like butterflies or something. Ever felt that way when you saw someone?” he asked me.

Yes. Especially when he seemed happy. When he didn’t I remember wanting to hug him and tell him it was ok. That things weren’t as bad as they seemed even though we all knew they were. When he laughed it did feel like my heart was dancing like his joy was contagious even if things were only that funny because he was high.

“There’s been a couple yeah. Mostly guys but maybe a girl or two,” I lied trying to keep him from questioning it too hard. Trying to keep him from worrying about it because I was afraid that he would think that I…that I wanted Da to or Lionel to do those things to me. That because I liked guys I was ok with it. That didn’t make it ok to me. Me thinking someone was attractive didn’t make it ok to me that they wanted to do those things. I was 10 my brain wasn’t ready for that.

Sex. I understood what the difference was but, it seemed weird. Thinking of kissing someone with your clothes off because you wanted to. Because you wanted them to touch you like that. Because you trusted them. I couldn’t imagine ever trusting anyone like that. Because what did you do if suddenly they did something you didn’t like? What did you do if they did something that hurt? I had been taught you don’t say no. That when you’re like that you just do what you’re told and I couldn’t imagine being anything but scared in that situation. Scared that they were going to hurt you. That fear made it hard for me to picture it happening to me even though adults had sex like that all the time and I was aware that was a thing people did.

“I can’t imagine kissing the girls though but, sometimes I dream about one of the guys specifically,” I told him.

I had. I had dreams of us running through fields holding hands his laughter filling my head making me feel light. Like things were ok as he looked at me. Sometimes talking about nothing one time talking about swords and how he wished we could be on the open sea together before dream Cole had leaned in pressing his lips to mine in a small peck. It had been a nice dream the sexual feelings and action behind it only going that far because that was as far as my brain could picture it happening without it being scary or hurting. It was a good dream though.

It had made me happy and made me wish that life could really be like that. Hand holding and normal kisses instead of dark rooms and grunting, sweating. I didn’t like it when they pressed their bodies against me and said those things. It scared me beyond anything I can explain no matter how much I heard I wanted it or it was ok, that I should just let it happen. That I should just let them make me feel good.

“Maybe you are then or maybe he’s what Pat is to me and he’s just like that one guy you can see yourself with. I guess you just need to chill and watch. Most kids your age aren’t super into the opposite sex to begin with so maybe you’re just not there yet?” he asked me.

He could be right. Girls could just be confusing to me because I didn’t get to be around a lot of them my own age. They seemed so strange though. I felt like I didn’t know the first thing about them other than they talked about each other a lot when someone wasn’t there. There were plenty of guys at school that had older sisters and they constantly shared gossip they heard about the girls from St. Bernie’s through their sisters. It just all seemed so weird to me though. Dance classes and gymnastics and getting their nails done. Some of them still played with Barbie’s and did they’re make up only to be forced by the sisters at the school to wipe it off their faces when they got there. The whole thing seemed strange.

“Maybe,” I agreed, “If I was gay do you think that’s a bad thing?” I asked him.

Did he think it meant I was ok with them? With them touching me like that? Would he stop worrying about me because of it. Stop telling me I was ok when I needed to hear it and instead do what Matt did. Imply that I wanted it. That I wanted them to touch me and make me feel like that, sticky and gross and have their mouths on me. I held my breath waiting for his answer. I didn’t think I could stand it if that’s what John thought. If that’s what anyone thought.

“No,” he answered with no hesitation, “I don’t see anything wrong with it as long as you aren’t into guys a lot younger then you are I think you’re ok.”

I looked closely at his face trying to fine the lie there or the disgust at the thought that I might want other boys to kiss me, to hold my hand and I didn’t see any. Not even a hint. He looked at me the same way he always looked at me when we had serious conversations like he was thinking about what I was saying and being as honest as he possibly could. Like he was paying attention and like what I said mattered to him. Like someone who wanted me to feel safe telling them things. Anything I wanted. Like the older brother who used to tell me he would be right back before he shut the closet door in my face leaving me covered in darkness in order to protect me. He was looking at me like the only thing that mattered was that I was me and that was enough for him. That nothing else mattered as long as I was safe and ok.

I took a deep breath thinking about if I should say anything. If I should let him know about how I felt about Cole. Cole had already guessed and said that it was ok but, would John think it was weird that I had a crush on one of his friends? Would he tell me it was wrong once it wasn’t hypothetical but real? I tested the waters before I took the plunge testing his reaction, choosing my words carefully.

“Well, the guy I might be into is older so…” I shrugged my shoulders.

John gave a half smile like he was amused. Like he didn’t know what to think but that he thought it was sweet. That he was almost proud of me for some reason, “Do I know this older guy?” he asked me.

I could feel how warm my face was. Just thinking about admitting to it. Admitting it out loud to myself really for the first time. That maybe I was gay and maybe I wanted to know what Cole’s hand felt like to someone else that wasn’t me or Cole. But to someone that mattered. Someone that loved me and cared about me and might change their mind about those things once they found out but, I decided if anyone understood it would be him. He did have Pat after all and he had admitted that they had at least held hands and maybe even hugged so I decided to be honest. His smile lighting up his eyes like he was amused and excited for me.

“Do I have to tell you who?” I asked him.

“No,” he shook his head vigorously, “I won’t make you tell me but, I am very curious now,” he said his smile growing bigger like he was being let in on the best secret in the world. His smile solidifying my resolve to admit it.

I sighed breathing into my hands before I pulled them back feeling the heat still in my face, the nervousness still there even though I trusted that he wouldn’t be mad at me or hate me for it but more because it felt weird to admit it. To admit I liked a boy and I hoped he liked me back, “It’s Cole.”

He let out a laugh looking at me. I wasn’t sure if he laughed because he was relieved or because he thought it was cute or what but it was a short laugh, a happy one, “Well, if you were going to see if you were gay he’d be the guy to find out with because he’s very gay. I’m not going to tell anyone though, I swear.” He vowed to me clapping me on the shoulder lightly and smiling while he nodded his head.

He seemed genuinely excited for me. Excited that I had found someone I liked that I could imagine spending my time with. Excited that I felt like I wanted to be something more than friends with someone. It made me feel better. Less scared about what other people might think of it. At least other people that weren’t mum. Because I knew mum wouldn’t be happy about it. That being gay was a sin and that I was probably already committing enough sins in her eyes and I didn’t need any more big ones under my belt. After all incest was a sin, sex before marriage was a sin. I knew I had those two checked and those were pretty big ones so I didn’t imagine her being happy with me maybe being gay let alone actually liking a boy and thinking about doing those things with another boy, kissing and holding hands, cuddling with one.

“You swear for real?” I asked him to make sure he wouldn’t. Because I felt like if he told mum I would lose her love. That she would blame me for some things that were happening to me.

“Yes!” he insisted, “I swear for real. If I tell anyone god can strike me dead,” he told me offering me a pinky swear which I accepted with a muttered thanks.

“No problem,” he smiled at me, “He’ll have no idea ever unless you tell him.”

He got up and walked to the bathroom shutting the door behind him and I heard the water turn on. So, John didn’t hate me. He didn’t blame me for what was happening to me but then again, he didn’t have any idea what was happening to me. There was a slight knock on the door after a minute making me jump before it opened.

My stomach fell me hugging myself wishing the bed wasn’t dirty so I could hide under the covers so I didn’t have to be naked in front of him. He looked at me smiling lightly as he started walking closer.

“Did you have a good time with your brother little one?” he asked me to which I didn’t know how to respond so I nodded my head, “That’s good. It’s important to spend time with those closest to you. I talked to your Dad and he wants you to take your brother upstairs where he’s safe from…wandering thoughts and then you can get dressed and we’ll leave shortly. Is that ok with you?”

He walked until he was standing in front of me. I instinctively pulled my knees to my chest trying to cover as much of my body was possible from his eyes as he laid a hand on the top of my head. I didn’t want him to touch me but at least this way he wasn’t really touching me. At least not like that. I could tell he wanted to without having to look at him. Tell what his eyes were seeing without having to find confirmation there. He was thinking about last night and the other things he wanted to do to me. More stuff like what had happened the night before.

“We’ll have fun,” he assured me, “Maybe we’ll stop for a late breakfast on the way there? I really enjoyed spending the night with you. What did you think of it?”

He sighed heavily as I stared at my knees my whole body feeling like it was on fire because I was that nervous, that scared. Would he get mean if I said the wrong thing? If I did something he didn’t like. I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything, didn’t look at him letting him rest his hand on the top of my head before he removed it sitting down next to me.

“You don’t have to be afraid of me little one. You’re special. I would never hurt you on purpose. I want you to be honest with me. Tell me what you’re thinking. There is no harm in being honest,” he coaxed me.

I took a deep breath thinking about how to word it. How I would tell my Da the same thing. That I didn’t want to go to the zoo. That I was really tired and just wanted to shower and then sleep on my own. How I hadn’t liked last night and it had been hard to sleep, how I hadn’t really slept at all.

“I’m not sure that going to the zoo is a good idea. I feel really tired,” I told him.

“Well, you can nap in the car on the way there. I’ll turn on the TV and you can just relax. How does that sound little one?” he asked me.

“That sounds ok I guess,” I told him.

“Good. I’ll tell Sergei to make sure he keeps it down so that you can get some more rest on the ride there. It is after all a long ride,” he informed me putting his arm around my shoulders making me tense.

“Who is Sergei?” I asked him quietly trying to distract myself, trying to keep myself calm and make sure I didn’t push him away.

“He works for me. We’re taking the limo. It’s more comfortable for a long drive. It has a VCR and TV system. I’ve already had him grab some videos from the collection I have. Most of them are old classics but it should make it so it’s relaxing but not so interesting you don’t get some extra rest. Did you have trouble sleeping because you were sharing a bed with me?”

I nodded my head being honest. Of course, it was because of that, because he had held me most of the time while he slept pressing his bare body against mine making it feel weird as his fluids dried on my back and other parts of my body that were still making me itch, reminding me I needed a shower.

He leaned in closer to me, his face by my ear before he kissed my cheek and jaw bone making me tense, making me wish he would stop. That he wouldn’t do that. Not with John in the shower in the next room. I didn’t want him to rape me. One of his hands reaching under my legs that I was still hugging to my chest touching the back of my inner thigh starting to rub the skin there slowly making its way in-between my legs I was squeezing closed toward my crotch.

“It’s ok little one,” he muttered into my ear, “Just relax.”

“Please?” I said in barely a whisper my breath getting caught in my throat.

Why did he had to do that? Why did he have to touch me like that? I didn’t understand it. I didn’t understand any of it. Why he wanted to touch me there. Why he liked doing it. 

He sighed as he stopped kissing the side of my face and neck looking at me closely before he pulled away his hands leaving my body, “You’re right. We’ll have time later. Right now, isn’t the time. Take your brother upstairs where he is safe. If you could wear a pair of shorts. It would be…appreciated.”

I nodded my head before he kissed my forehead walking away and shutting the door behind him. I tried to relax to tell myself that John wouldn’t be out of the shower for a while. That maybe if John took long enough he would just go away, get tired of waiting for me and change his mind. The thought that he might be gone by the time John got out relaxing me, helping me drift off to sleep on the bed as I grabbed the comforter folding it over me like a blanket as I laid across the foot of the bed. Hoping that when I woke up everything would be ok.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will takes his trip to the zoo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 86 to 100. Obviously a lot of warnings for this one. Happens between chapter 21 and 22 John's POV part 1. **Warnings: Rape/non-con, forced kissing, forced oral, forced anal fingering, forced rimming, forced anal, mental health issues, self-blame, guilty, self-hate**

I was woken up by John gently touching my shoulder making me almost jump. Before I sat up, “Are we going upstairs?”

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head, “It seems like it’d be worth it even if he can get to me. Up there at least I know everyone else is around so I don’t feel so alone.

“After he’s done you can come talk with me,” I told him, “Like seriously wake me up and we’ll chill for a while if he lets you go. It’s the least you can let me do since…”

Since he wouldn’t let me help him with Da. Not that I wanted to. Of course, I didn’t want to. No one wanted to deal with Da. 

“Ok,” he told me, “I’ll think about it.”

He adjusted his towel making sure it was on tight. We took the lift and got upstairs. Him walking into his room and shutting the door before I turned and walked into mine. I oddly enough didn’t find anyone else in my bed but noticed a note on my bed from Da.

Remember he’s downstairs waiting for you. You’re going to the zoo. Take a shower and get dressed.  
Da.

I wanted to scream. So, he was still there. Still expecting me to go with him. It was 7 in the morning and everyone else would be up soon. No one had gone to school because mum was where ever she was and we had all just gotten home really late the night before or early that morning. I didn’t want to go with him. I didn’t want to go to the zoo with him feeling half dead and waiting for him to touch me. To put his hands on me. I climbed into the shower scrubbing myself before I got out, getting dressed and heading back downstairs.

I didn’t see mum or John but Da and Lionel where sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee along with Uncle Ben. They all turned to look at me as I entered the kitchen.

“There he is,” Da said looking at me.

I felt like a deer surrounded by a pack of wolves. The way they were looking at me.

“he looks tired,” Ben muttered into his coffee cup.

“Well we did have a nice time getting reacquainted,” Lionel said, “It kept him up a bit late. He’ll get a chance to nap on the way there.”

“He’s always been good at that. He’s very accommodating in that department,” Uncle Ben said winking at me.

I felt like my face was glowing. They really thought I was whore, didn’t they? That’s all that I was to them. Someone to climb on top of, some hole to stick it in. I wasn’t even a person to them.

“You’re upsetting him Benjamin,” Lionel said, “And since he seems to be ready we’re going to be going now. I do believe Sergei is outside. When we’re done I can come pick up my car right?”

“Of course, Lionel. You know that,” Da said, “I hope you two have a very good time. Don’t be too rough on him.”

“You know I won’t be,” Lionel said, “Come on let’s go.” He said holding out his hand for me to take.

I didn’t want to take his hand but I knew if I didn’t Da would be mad so I did, him lacing his fingers through mine as Da held the door open for us and we walked through. When I heard the door shut behind me it felt like someone shutting the lid to my coffin. This wasn’t something I wanted. I noticed some guy standing in front of a black limo holding the door open for us.

“I’m glad to you see you took my request into account,” he said as we slid into the seat.

“What?” I asked numbly as he kissed the back of my hand. The hand he was holding.

“I asked you to wear shorts,” he explained to which I nodded my head, “You seem tired little one. How about you settle in and take a nap?”

“Are you going to…?” I trailed off not sure I could ask him that. Not sure I wanted to know the answer.

“Am I going to what my little one?” he asked me before his eyes lit up in understanding my face starting to burn again, “Do you want me to? I figured you want some sleep. After all we were up late. I can if you want to though.”

He put his arm around my shoulders his other hand going to my thigh. That was not what I meant. I had meant I didn’t want to. Not that I did. I felt frustrated and disgusted with myself. That he had thought I meant that. That I meant I wanted him to touch me like that.

“You look so adorable in those shorts,” he said his hand starting to slide up the side of them brushing against the bottom of my briefs.

I couldn’t help it. I started crying. I didn’t want him to touch me again. To do that to me again. I tried to make sure I didn’t whimper and then he looked at me gasping loudly.

“Oh, little one what’s wrong?” he asked me, “You don’t have to cry. You can tell me anything. Be honest. What’s going on?”

“I…” I tried to start speaking but found it hard, my voice coming out unsteady.

“It’s ok little one. I know he was rough on you. Your uncle. I told him he shouldn’t treat someone like you like that. That you need a gentle hand not an aggressive one,” he said before he kissed my cheek.

My eyes went wide and body started shaking before he rubbed his nose against my cheek, telling me he wanted to kiss me. To kiss me on the lips. I knew I didn’t have a choice. That he would hurt me if I didn’t turn to give him access so I did, his tongue sliding into my mouth as he moved. His body shifting so that he was forcing his way on top of me, his hands going up under my shirt against my body. I wanted to scream. To tell him to stop, that I didn’t want to anymore. That I wasn’t ok with this. That I didn’t want it anymore. That I never wanted it, his tongue moving from my mouth to my chin, down my neck.

“You taste so good little one,” he muttered quietly into my skin, “I love the way you taste. Everything about you is amazing.”

His hand went to the waist band of my shorts them only being elastic instead of having a button and fly his hand easily finding its way down the front of my pants making me freeze. Making me feel as if I had turned to marble.

Cole said he wouldn’t do this. Not like this. Not like…

“Your whole body is shaking little one,” he said sitting up, giving me space, “Can you tell me what’s wrong? Be honest. I cherish honesty.”

“I don’t…I don’t want to…,” I trailed off my voice failing me as he looked at me.

“Why not?” he said his brow furrowing in either confusion or anger, at the time I wasn’t sure which, “Are you really that afraid that I’ll hurt you? Because I don’t like hurting my boys. I told you that remember?”

I nodded my head. That didn’t mean I wanted to do that with him just because he wouldn’t hurt me. And that was a lie. He had pinched the back of my neck hard for not letting him kiss me, he had grabbed my neck and warned me that no wasn’t a word that I was allowed to use. He would hurt me. I knew he would hurt me if I didn’t do what he wanted and that he was just trying to charm me. Trying to get me to talk to him and be honest with him. I didn’t know why but, I knew it was important to be careful what I said to him.

“I’m really tired,” I mumbled.

“AH!” he smiled happily, trying to seem understanding, “Well how about you sleep here and if you feel like you’ll sleep easier I’ll go sit over there ok?” he told me pointing to the bench on the other side of the limo.

“Really?” I asked not sure I could believe him.

“Really. I can understand why you had a hard time sleeping after we were done last night. All that excitement of knowing that we’re finally able to be together. Us and not really anyone else. It was probably too much. That and I don’t think you’re used to sleeping beside someone. Your Da told me that sometimes you and he have time together, which I’m ok with that continuing because it’s important for a father and son to be close and he has a lot to teach you but, he said that he has never shared a bed with you over night. Is that true?”

I nodded my head. It was true. Even the first time he did it, it wasn’t overnight. We had stayed in a hotel but it was a two bed one and he had slept in the other bed and not in the bed beside me as I cried myself to sleep. Him telling me it was ok, that it would hurt less next time. That it was special. Uncle Ben had spent the night with me, made me share his bed but he was the only one at that point.

“Then that would make it hard to sleep,” he said rubbing my shoulders through my shirt as I sat next to him criss cross apple sauce, “I’ll let you rest. That way we can enjoy our day together. No matter how much I want to show you how special you are, I promise.”

I nodded my head and he reached into a compartment I didn’t realize was there pulling out a pillow and blanket fluffing the pillow before he placed it behind my back signaling for me to lay down which I did so. I laid down because he had promised he wouldn’t touch me and I knew I was supposed to do what I was told. He tucked me in kissing my forehead as he got up and turned on the TV. I don’t even remember what he put on but it was boring enough I actually did manage to fall asleep even with him in the limo with me. Me curled into a ball, my back to him trying to keep myself calm, remind myself that there were going to be people there. That they would be all over the place. That when I woke up he wouldn’t be able to touch me like that because we’d probably be somewhere where people would notice.

He woke me up as we pulled up to a Denny’s. Him holding my hand as we walked inside and having me sit across the table from him, “So how was your first day back at school?” he asked me.

“Schools been ok. I don’t know,” I said.

He frowned cutting into whatever he had ordered I think it was a stake of some kind, “What don’t you know? Having trouble with your friends?”

“No,” I said shaking my head, “Just Teddy said some stuff on Monday.”

“Oh?” he asked me, “Teddy overhears things sometimes that he probably shouldn’t talk about. Did it make you anxious about our hanging out together?”

“No,” I lied, “Finn invited me to go horseback riding, Huber I mean,” I said giving him a last name remembering what he had told me before that he recalled family names surnames and not first names better, “Then Teddy told him I couldn’t go because I was busy. That I was going to the zoo.”

“With me?” he asked to which I nodded my head.

“I really wish he hadn’t told everyone that. I only take special boys to the zoo. Teddy knows that,” Lionel informed me, “Are you afraid the other boys are going to tease you? You are a very special boy William.”

“I just know Da told me I shouldn’t talk about it. I didn’t want them to know because I’m not supposed to…,” I trailed off biting into a bit of my food.

“Well, lessons from me are very exclusive. I don’t teach just anyone. However, I want all of the boys to know that they are loved and wanted and that we care about them all very much,” he told me, “That’s why I try to not broadcast who I’m spending my time with because it’s very important that you all feel like equals.”

“We’re going to be spending time together?” I asked him quietly staring into my plate.

I didn’t want to think about what he meant by “time” but I did automatically feeling my face turning red. I didn’t like thinking of him doing that. The things that he had made me do last night. The things that he had almost made me do in the limo. Thinking about it made me want to cry but, I hated crying in front of people.

He chuckled lightly, “Of course. You’re very important to me William. Were you embarrassed that Teddy mentioned you were busy? Or more upset you couldn’t go horseback riding with Finn Huber?”

“I wanted to go,” I said.

“Well, I’m glad that you came with me instead considering that even when I’m with you it won’t be often. I’ll try to come down every other week. However, I spend most of my time in New York. I’d love to have you come stay with me but, considering circumstances that isn’t really possible most of the time for me. To have my companions with me. So, I usually come to spend time with them,” he told me.

He meant because all of his “special boys” were so young. So, when he said I might go with him and Da to New York he meant because I was older. Older than his usual boys. Had he taken Cole to New York? Arthur didn’t seem like he was the type to care either way. I wanted to ask and he must have seen it on my face because he smiled at me tapping the toe of my shoe with his.

“You have a question?” he asked me.

“I’m friends with Cole Gables,” I said his eyes lighting up as his smile grew him nodding his head, “Da and you said I might go to New York. Did you take Cole to New York?”

“On a vacation yes,” he admitted, “It was during the summer. I believe he was your age at the time. It was two weeks and it was very wonderful. He loved seeing all of the sites. I took him to the ballet and Opera. We had a very nice time. Is that something you’re interested in doing?”

“I don’t know,” I said.

It felt weird. How he made it all sound so normal. Like it was something people did all the time. Take young boys they weren’t related to on vacation alone and then… I closed my eyes sighing my face turning red again as I thought about what those nights were probably like for Cole. The way his skin probably tingled as his stomach had made him sick. As Lionel had…

“Don’t think about it too hard little one,” he said, “It really makes you that nervous?”

“Huh,” I didn’t know what to say that being the only thing I managed as the waitress came up to the table making my face go even redder.

“And how is your meal?” she asked him.

“It’s lovely, thank you for asking,” he replied.

“Would you like desert?” she asked him.

“William?” he asked me to which I shook my head, “I think we’re all right for right now. Just the check please.”

“Of course,” she said walking away.

“It’s ok to be nervous,” he assured me, “However there isn’t any need to be.”

The waitress reappeared with the check. He laid a bunch of bills on the table and got up offering me his hand which I took. How did he not understand that I didn’t want him to do that to me? That I didn’t want anyone to do that to me. That even the thought of kissing someone made me blush let alone…that. We got to the car Sergei hopping out of the front to hold the door open for us and drink from McDonalds in his hand.

“Did I introduce you to Sergei?” he asked me suddenly as I walked up to the car.

“No,” I answered shaking my head.

“Sergei is a very good friend of mine. He knows your Uncle Benjamin,” he informed me.

“Hello,” Sergei said smiling at me, his words heavily accented.

His teeth were really crooked and yellow. One of them even seemed to be coming from over the top of his other teeth. It looked weird to me. You have to remember however I was upper class and while I maybe have lived in Britain even there when someone had crooked teeth they weren’t that crooked and they were usually more of a normal color. So, I thought it was weird but I waved at him. He had a big nose but he was by no means ugly. His nose complimenting the rest of his face. He struck me as someone that didn’t smile often.

“Hi,” I said quietly feeling myself shrink away from him a little bit.

Something about him seemed off. I still can’t even explain it reflexing back on it but something seemed off about him like it did about Arthur, merely knowing he was there now making me nervous. I sighed climbing in past him and Lionel climbing in after me.

“What does he do for you?” I asked before stopping to think of whether I should ask or not. Lionel laughed heartily at that.

“Well,” he said, “He runs errands for me. Just different things. He helps drive me around and other stuff. Like your Uncle. I just felt like your uncle shouldn’t come with us this time. That it should be more special than that. We’re almost there. Where do you think you want to go first? The elephants?”

“I don’t know,” I said.

“Well, how about we just walk around for a while and relax? If it stays nice out maybe we can play in the park area,” he told me, “Your hair shines such a bright gold with tiny droplets in it I bet. Not the same deep honey as when it’s completely soaked but I’m sure it’s stunning.”

So that’s what Teddy had meant by subtle. It was something that you could take as a compliment that didn’t seem to be harmful or inappropriate when overheard but could make you squirm. Which I did feel myself fidget as he smiled at me at that. I don’t remember most of our stay at the zoo only that went as Teddy said it would. Him holding my hand or putting his arms around my shoulders every chance he got. Trying to make sure he had physical contact with me at all times. I remember him buying me cotton candy when he saw me watching a girl and a boy sharing one as we walked through the reptile area looking at different snakes and other things.

When we got back to the car it didn’t take long after we pulled out of the zoo parking lot for him to wrap his arm around my shoulder and turn on a movie, Sergei never lowering the privacy window that kept the cab separated from the passenger area.  
“Do you like this movie?” he asked me after a while.

“What?’ I asked before I felt my face flush as he smiled at me.

“What are you thinking about? You’re not even paying attention to the movie little one. Tell me what’s going on.”

“I huh…,” I trailed off.

Did I tell him I was waiting for him to rape me? To force me to take my clothes off and climb on top of me? Put his hands against my skin instead of my shirt? Did I tell him that the very idea of it terrified me let alone the way my body reacted to it. The way my body almost wanted it, seemed to like it up until that burn when someone connected their body to mine until the moment they hit that spot. That spot that made cold shivers run up and down my spine and made me feel like I needed to pee. Made that feeling build until I couldn’t stand it anymore and lost control.

“I know what you’re thinking about,” he said his other hand brushing up against my right outer thigh right below the end of my pant leg making me shiver, “It’s ok. I won’t hurt you. I really care about you William.”

I closed my eyes as he traced small circles on my leg using his fingertips. Slowly working their way up bottom of my pant leg. I started squirming as he looked at me, his eyes trained on me as he moved his fingers.

“Does it tickle?” he asked me before he started moving his fingers faster, “I bet it does. I bet it tickles.” He started tickling my neck. I laughed quietly on impulse before he got on his knees in front of me letting me stay in the seat tickling me until I was breathless and laying down across the bench his hands under my shirt. Him only stopping when he had climbed on top of me looking at me.

It wasn’t funny. It wasn’t…I gulped his hands sliding the hem of my shirt up so that it was only covering my collar bones and shoulders and nothing below it. Him kissing my sternum lightly making me gulp.

“I won’t hurt you,” he said, “Never…” he said before his tiny kiss turned into sucking, sucking on the middle of my chest.

I gasped sharply. The feeling of the energy buzzing under my skin. Prickling the hair on the back of my neck. It was a new sensation. I had experienced someone sucking on my nipples before, my neck but not my chest, not the way he was doing it. His tongue gently lapping at the skin before he bit it just enough to make it sting. Not just using suction but teeth too. He kept his hands at the waist band of my pants.

I wanted to push him away but I knew I couldn’t. That if I did it he probably would hurt me even if he had said he wouldn’t. I wasn’t stupid. Me trying to make my whole body go limp my muscles only getting tighter and tighter the lower his kisses and nibbles went, the closer to his hands they got. When the kissing got to just above my belly button he stopped looking at me closely.

I knew my eyes were wide. Open in shock. My body shaking with the sensation of him doing it like that. Using his teeth to scrape my skin. He bit his lower lip smiling at me thoughtfully as he watched me before he moved back grabbing one of my feet and starting to untie my right shoe.

“What are you doing?” I asked him slapping my hand over my mouth in embarrassment over the fact I had spoken without thinking first.

That made his smile grow, “It’s ok little one. You’re allowed to ask me things. I like knowing what you’re thinking. I’m taking off your shoes and socks. Would you like to know why?”

I nodded my head.

“I want to play with you. You seemed to like what I was doing there so I figured I’d try it other places. See if you like it just as much everywhere else. Don’t be embarrassed. It’s ok if you like rough play. We’ll figure it out together ok?”

Rough play? What did that mean, rough play? I had never heard that term before. Did he mean like wrestling or… was it something else?

“Huh…” I started to ask but then stopped myself. Afraid it would sound stupid. Afraid that he might get mad if I didn’t know what he meant.

“Yes?” he asked me pulling my sock off before grabbing my other foot and untying that shoe too.

“What does…,” I felt my face growing even redder.

“Oh,” he chuckled, “It means that you like biting and scratching when you’re being taught. Or playing with someone. Some people find it enjoyable. There’s nothing to be ashamed about. I’ve had a special boy or two in the past who found that made the experience better. It can be quiet fun.” He explained.

Now Uncle Ben had spanked me until I was bloody but I hadn’t realized that was a thing. That there were people who actually enjoyed that type of stuff and I certainly didn’t enjoy it. Not when he was doing that. Not that toy, none of it. The idea that he wanted to do those things to me making me close my eyes so that I wasn’t openly crying. I wasn’t ok with that. With the idea of him doing that stuff.

“What?” he asked me pulling my sock off, “Why are you closing your eyes little one? Tell me what’s going on. There’s nothing to be ashamed about. Talk to me.”

“I…,” I tried my voice cracking, “I…d..don..don’t.”

“Ok,” he said stopping and helping me up into a sitting position using my arms before he pulled me into his chest, “It’s ok. It’s new. It’s ok to be scared.”

He rubbed my back through my shirt as it fell back down my torso. It felt weird. Da and Uncle Ben had never hugged me and told me it was ok to be scared of something, unsure about something. They always told me to shut up and do what I was told no matter what. Even at the Villa Lionel himself at told me no wasn’t a word I was allowed to use and yet here he was hugging me telling me it was ok to be scared. To be unsure of what he was saying he was going to do to me. It felt confusing. So, confusing that I stopped feeling like I was on the verge my tears my brain not sure what to make of what was happening. Not completely sure what was going on. Did that mean he was going to stop? That he wasn’t going to make me do that? What exactly did that mean?

“We’ll go nice and slow ok?” he said my stomach dropping as he said the words into my neck as he held me.

Slow. No slow was worse. I didn’t want to go slow. If he was going to do It he should just do it not go slow. He sighed into my neck, “When you’re nervous you fidget, move your shoulders a lot.”

“Sorry,” I said quietly.

“Oh no, it was just an observation, nothing to be sorry about little one I promise,” he said, “How about you just try to sit and watch the movie ok? I’ll try a few things with your legs and we’ll see how it goes.”

I nodded my head numbly not sure what he meant when he said try a few things, him getting back on the floor of the limo on his knees facing me before he started tickling the bottom of my feet. Lightly at first, making me squirm until he was tickling them with a little more pressure causing me to laugh involuntarily again before he started kissing my left ankle. Just lightly at first, tiny pecks before he bit into it softly the feeling of his teeth connecting with my skin making me still.

It felt weird. He was biting me with enough pressure there was tiny pinch or sting but only for a second before he licked the indents his teeth had left in my skin. I didn’t understand what the point was but, it didn’t feel like play and it didn’t feel good really, just different. Different from what I was used to. Him biting and then running his tongue in a slow circle over the indents his teeth had left until they disappeared before doing the same in a different spot moving slowly up my leg. He moved to the outside of my legs me trying not to pay attention to it, to the sensation of the sting and then the feeling as his tongue glided over my skin making my skin feel wet with his saliva.

After he was done doing it to the outside of my right leg he switched back to my left. Shifting his weight so that he was biting the inside of my left leg. I was finally get used to the sensation when he looked at me his chest heaving in excitement before he touched my inner thigh right below the bottom of my pant leg looking up at me for the first time in a while.

“Are you ok?” he asked me like he actually cared.

Was I ok with him biting me? Not really but I knew there wasn’t anything I could do about it or say to get him to change his mind. His pervious response to me telling him that I didn’t want to being “It’s ok I’ll go slow.” I didn’t respond just looking at him.

“Stand up,” he ordered me.

I didn’t move him saying the words again this time in a more commanding voice, “Stand up William.”

I stood up looking out the window for the first time since we had left the zoo. We were on the highway, cars all around us. Traffic almost at a standstill. It was probably around 5:30.

The middle of rush hour. People heading home after a day of working in offices and schools and stores. People heading home to be with their families. Da’s that didn’t hurt their kids heading home to spend time with them around the dinner table laughing and smiling and I was here. Stuck in traffic with those happy people, those normal people with a guy who wanted to… I shivered slightly as he pulled my pants and underwear down my ankles him forcing me to sit back down on the bench in front of him as he pulled them off all the way before folding them neatly on the floor beside him. He looked at me sighing deeply his whole body seeming to shake with excitement before he bit lightly into the soft skin of my upper right thigh making me hiss in pain.

“Too hard?” he asked me nearly jumping at my sound.

I nodded my head numbly. Not sure what else to do my body exposed from the waist down to him, his hands on the outside of my thighs as he kneeled in-between them. He looked up at me before he leaned in running his tongue over the marks his teeth had left on the inside of my right leg. It sent a shudder through my body. That spot was really sensitive. Almost as sensitive as the area above it. His tongue rolled over the spot, once, twice three times until I was panting heavily.

I didn’t want it to feel like that. I wanted to hate it. I wanted him to stop. I hated that it felt good. That it felt like…that. Maybe Matt was right and Karen. Maybe I was just a big whore my whole body trembling every time I felt his tongue flicking over the skin of my inner thigh. His licking continuing before he nipped me again higher only more lightly this time.

“ah,” I whimpered causing him to look up at me as I slammed my hand over my mouth surprised by myself. 

He smiled widely, “It’s ok little one you can make sounds here. I enjoy sounds and Sergei won’t mind. I promise. Your little fruit looks so ripe and sweet. Can I…?” he didn’t even finish his question wrapping his lips around my everything.

My whole body seized. I started moaning and whimpering my face turning a deeper shade of red every time a sound left my mouth that I couldn’t control. The pressure kept building, feeling hot. Running from the tips of my toes all the way to the roots of my hair. 

He was raping me and my body was liking it. And not just a little like with Da or uncle Ben but a lot. His mouth being there too much before he moved his mouth exposing my hardness to the cold sensitive air as he grabbed the back of my thighs lifting them up so he was supporting them with his arms before he stuck his tongue inside me moaning happily as I continued mewl and whimper.

I was panting on the very edge of having an orgasm as he stopped for a second shifting his weight and letting me go. I curled into a ball pulling my knees into my chest the moment his hands were off me. Me hoping he would be done. That he would just stop but he didn’t.

“Little one you were so close. Why did you move? Don’t you want me to finish you? Drink all that special juice your little fruit is making for me?” he asked me before he grabbed my calf pulling one of my legs out of my grip before he shoved one of his fingers hard up inside of me.

I whimpered in pain. It hurt. He hadn’t even tried to be gentle. I was lucky I was slick because of his tongue and that he had lubricant on his finger otherwise it would have really hurt. Him starting to slowly move his finger in and out of me as he smiled at me. I turned my face away closing my eyes trying to pretend I was anywhere else as he wrapped his lips back around me.

He moaned happily the vibration of the hum sending a zap up my spine, causing my eyes to open wide as I gasped when I hit my climax. He sucked it down greedily him stopping to pet my thighs as he finished swallowing smiling up at me his finger still inside.

“You feel like velvet,” he murmured to me, “Want me to make you cum again?”

I wanted to tell him no but it felt like it was hard to blink let alone speak. I didn’t understand why my body…Why my body liked it. Why it had been so easy for him to make me…to force me to orgasm. He inserted another finger into me.

It burned. My lip starting to tremble. I didn’t like the way that felt at all him pushing hard, pushing his fingers as far into me as he could. His fingers burning. His face falling as he watched my reaction.

“Does that hurt little one? Just give me one second and I’ll find it. I’ll find it ok? I promise,” he said pulling his fingers out before he shoved them back in twisting one of his fingers.

“OUCH!” I whined.

“Hold on little one, just one second,” he said twisting one finger but leaving the other one still him suddenly brushing that spot making me freeze. Making me stop fidgeting him smiling at me watching my reaction, “That’s it, isn’t it? Yeah that’s it little one. That’s the spot. You like that spot? I like that spot,” he said twisting his fingers and sending a moan tumbling out of my mouth before I could stop it.

“That’s it little one, that’s it. Ride my fingers. Let me make you feel good,” he muttered his fingers hitting that spot on every movement inside my body me not able to stop my moaning.

He muttered praises as he kept going. His finger hitting that spot until his movement changed feeling like he was pulling me open, scissoring me open before he climbed on top of me fumbling to undo his pants. Not giving me any warning before he started pushing something a lot bigger than his fingers into me, my body still riding the high and the feeling of his fingers brushing against that part of me.

“Just move your hips little one,” he muttered grabbing my outer thighs and forcing me to wrap my legs around his waist, “There we go that’s it my special boy. That’s my good boy,” he muttered as he started moving in and out his penis hitting even harder against that spot to the point where everything felt like it was throbbing, pulsing like it never had before.

“AH AH AH,” I said my whole body shaking so badly I felt like the muscles in my thighs were having spasm my whole body hitting orgasm causing me to go silent and still as he thrusts into me one last time. The feeling of him shooting into me really gross and almost like someone using a hose to shoot an insane amount of water up my butt with one high pressured blast. The whole thing hurting slightly.

“That’s my good boy,” he said caressing my face as I started to catch my breath, “That’s such a special little one. I bet that felt so good huh? You came so hard your whole body squeezing me. It felt so good.”

He was right. It had. But I just felt dirty and guilty. I didn’t want to be there anymore. I closed my eyes so he wouldn’t see me crying trying so hard to fight it. Telling myself that I didn’t deserve to cry. That it wasn’t my right. Because my body had liked it. Had…harder than it ever had before.

“You did great little one. I’m so glad I could make you feel so good. You’re probably just tired huh? That was a lot of activity. Now how about you just relax, ok?” he told me kissing my temple before he grabbed the blanket I had slept under earlier on our way to the zoo and wrapped it around my waist so I was no longer exposed as he stood up putting his own pants back on.

I curled up so I was facing the bench again. I cried. If I had been alone I would have bawled. But I knew he was right there. That he would try to hug me and tell me it was ok. That it was ok I was some big whore. That I had…I didn’t even want to think about it.

The very thought that Matt was right about me and I hadn’t realized it making me physically sick. I stayed like that trying to stay as still as possible the rest of the ride home. I didn’t get any rest but, he didn’t touch me, didn’t hold me. He only forced me to kiss him as I put my shorts and underwear back on. Before he pulled away leaving me standing the drive way my knees feeling shaky and weak.

I was a whore. I was a fucking whore. I remember that thought repeating over and over in my head like a broken record as I walked up the stairs and got into the lift. Even as I made it to my room and turned on the shower stripping my clothes off.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will talks to Teddy and Cole who both let him know some of what he can expect in his future and their personal experiences with being one of Lionel's "special boys". Will is worried about mum's health and her ability to take care of the babies so he does something in order to convince Da to buy some much needed supplies that will help Will and mum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 100 to 131.If you find any spelling or grammar mistakes let me know I've been kind of ADHD this week. There's lots of heavy discussion here about the brotherhood. **Warnings: Rape/non-con, forced oral, forced anal, forced 89, talk of murder, talk of young child sex abuse, talk of brother/brother incest, talk of rape by proxy.** I don't know what else to say about this chapter really but I haven't felt like writing this week so I didn't however I still have a couple chapters already prepared for you guys **John part 1 POV chapters 22 and 23 correspond.**

I climbed into the shower because I realized that it was me. That that’s why they liked me. Matt was right. I flirted and I acted like I wanted it and apparently somewhere deep down I must because if I didn’t my body wouldn’t…I wouldn’t have done that. My body wouldn’t have done that.

I wanted it out of me. I wanted my whorishness out of me. I felt dirty like I would never be clean so I climbed out of the shower soaking wet looking for something sharp. Something that would get it out of me. Get the badness out of me that I was sure was there. The only thing I found being a needle from the sowing kit under the sink. I didn’t think about it but just jabbed it into my thigh. It hurt but something about the pain felt satisfying. Almost like it was taking all of the thoughts of what he had done, how I had responded away.

I knew it wasn’t logical. I remembered what I had told John that it was normal for a body to do that. But, I didn’t think it was normal for it to respond THAT intensely to it. I didn’t feel normal anymore or smart. I didn’t feel anything but dirty and guilty and stupid. I climbed back into the tub letting the water run over me, letting my body feel something else besides him touching my skin. My brain wandering try to figure out…every time it wandered too far me stabbing myself lightly in the leg again until I heard my bathroom door quietly open.

“Willy?” I heard James ask me.

I sat the needle down on the edge of the bathtub up against the wall hoping he wouldn’t notice it because it was small in size.

“Yeah?” I asked him quietly.

“Are you ok? Mummy’s belly is blue and she’s sad. And John’s sad. You were supposed to be here but you weren’t and you didn’t say hi. So, I was wondering if you were ok. Because I asked Daddy where you were and he said you had to go somewhere and that you’d be back later but then you came back and you didn’t say hi. So maybe I thought you were kind of mad at us. Because you know, we didn’t do good. We didn’t get away from Da and now he’s going to…he’s going to keep hurting John and you and mummy.”

I pulled back the curtain frowning at him. How was any of that his fault? Why would I be mad at him for that? All things that a 6-year-old had no control over. None of this was his fault. Not any of it. It was Da’s and it was only Da’s.

“I’m not mad at you,” I told him, “I’m just tired ok? I just…Da told me I had to go somewhere and it…”

I didn’t want to talk about it. The zoo. He would say it sounded like fun and I couldn’t tell him about the rest of it. It would scare him or he would get grossed out telling me I liked it. That I must have wanted it. I didn’t want him to see me differently.

He frowned at me. I was huddled in on myself my knees pulled up to my chest so that he couldn’t see me and all of my…body. But yet he was looking at me like he could or like I had something weird on my face.

“What?” I asked him.

“Your leg is bleeding. Did you get bit?” he asked me before I looked at my outer thigh where I had been repeatedly stabbing myself.

I must have stabbed myself harder than I thought because there were several tiny holes in my skin that were freely bleeding into the shower water that was being tinged pink as it washed away towards the drain. I felt my face turning red.

“Yeah,” I said, “It’ll be fine. It’s not a big deal.”

“What was it?” he asked me.

“Skeeter. I probably scratched at it,” I told him which was an answer he seemed to accept.

“So, you’re not mad at me?” he asked me quietly, “At us?”

“No bud, not even a little,” I assured him, “Am I sad we’re back here? Yeah but that’s because I’m scared ok? I’m scared just like everyone else.”

“You promise?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I said almost crying just looking at his face.

“I’m scared too. He’s going to get me. I know he’s going to get me and Daddy’s going to let him. And he’s going to hurt me again,” he said before he started sobbing.

I wanted to tell him it was ok. But I knew it wasn’t. He had done it to me and I was older than he usually liked his boys. I knew that James looked the most like me, acted the most like me. That he felt safest with me. James was right. Lionel was going to hurt him. If it wasn’t soon it would be one day. One day not too far off. A year or two. I could buy him a year or two if I was good and maybe if we were really lucky we’d be able to try and leave again and we’d get away for good.

I sighed before I shut the curtain washing myself off for a fourth time and rinsing up before I climbed out and grabbed a towel wrapping it around myself before I hugged him, “It’s ok. We’ll be ok. I promise we’ll be ok. And you know why? Because that bad man isn’t going touch you again ok?”

“He will! Daddy will let him and he’ll hurt! It hurt so bad Willy,” he screamed before he started sobbing again.

“No, he won’t. I promise he won’t,” I told him. Hugging him before I picked him up and put him on my bed.

“No, he will!” he screamed.

“James, he won’t! He’s doing it to me!” I hissed his tears stopping out of shock because I had kind of yelled at him and because that was…it was big news, “But you can’t tell mum ok? He’ll hurt her. And I don’t mean like Da hurts her I mean he’ll hurt her so bad she’ll go in her room and she’ll never ever come out. And we need her ok? So, you can’t tell anyone. You can’t tell John, or mum, you can’t tell anyone ok?”

“What?” he barely whispered.

“It’s me ok? He wants me but if he’s hurting me he’s not hurting you,” I told him, “John does it for all of us all the time. With Da. So…you know. It doesn’t have to be big deal. Just don’t tell anyone please?”

“He’ll hurt mummy?” he asked me.

I nodded my head. Vic had told me that. That Lionel had a way of making meddling moms disappear. I didn’t want my mum to disappear. Not ever. It was bad enough when she locked herself in her room. When Da did things to her or to us that made her not want to be around us. I couldn’t live if I didn’t have her. And I needed her and I knew everyone else needed her. I needed my mum.

“That’s why you can’t say anything ok?” I begged him.

“Ok,” he told me as I grabbed a clean pair of underwear and slid them on under my towel so I wasn’t exposing myself to him.

“Good,” I said nodding my head, “You can’t tell mum though or John.”

“You said that,” he sighed sadly, “Are you ok?”

“Yeah,” I lied, “I’m ok. I’ll be fine. I mean Da and Ben do that stuff to me all the time so it doesn’t hurt as bad for me. I’ll be ok.”

“But Da does it to John all the time and all John does is sleep. And he smells funny,” he told me his nose wrinkling at the thought.

The expression on his face making me smile sadly at him. I knew what he meant. He meant the smell of alcohol that seemed to follow John like a cloud of stink. I didn’t know how to explain that to him. That it was hard for John because of Da. Because Lionel wasn’t the only person he had let in the house. That Hank wasn’t the only one he had let hurt John. I sighed thinking about it, how to best explain it without scaring him.

“Well you know what happened that night when you were down there with Patrick and Cole and John?” I asked him.

He nodded his head sadly. I knew he loved us. That he didn’t like thinking about the things that Da had probably made John do. That he didn’t understand the extent of it. He was only six. He was a little boy. He knew it hurt and that it hurt a lot but he didn’t know or understand that Da let a lot of people do it to John all the time. I don’t think mum even knew how many people Da had let hurt John. At that point, I didn’t even know but I knew it was more than just Hank. He had told me about Leo. About Da taking him to that restaurant and meeting Leo.

“Da…he lets Hank and uncle Ben and his friends do that to John a lot. So, John is really tired all the time. Because you know it doesn’t just hurt down there it hurts your heart too. So, John’s heart hurts a lot so he drinks a special drink that’s smelly that makes it not hurt so much sometimes. That’s why he smells funny and he’s so sleepy. You understand?” I asked him.

“Instead of crying and stuff when his heart hurts like mummy does when she says she’s sad he drinks his special drink and it makes it so he’s not so sad?” he asked me.

“More like it helps him forget how sad he is,” I told him.

“Oh,” he said.

I grabbed some pants and new shirt pulling it over my head before I walked out of my bedroom. The first thing I noticed was how eerily quiet it was. How Matt and Mike weren’t around the TV off and the whole house seeming almost silent. It was 6 in the evening. They wouldn’t have gone to bed yet. It was too early. There should have been some food as well but there wasn’t any of that either.

“Where are Mike and Matt?” I asked James.

“I don’t know Daddy and Arthur made me come upstairs with Cat and the babies and then they left. Matty and Mikey didn’t come upstairs. I haven’t seen them all day. I asked mummy where they were and she said she doesn’t know,” he told me.

“Where is mummy?” I asked him.

“Nursery sleeping with the babies. She’s been really tired. She had me and Catty watch Laura and Andy earlier until they got tired and cranky. Then we woke her up and she changed them and she let me and Catty feed them because her tummy hurts,” he told me.

He said this all like it was normal even though it was very far from normal. My mum usually made sure John or I was around. I thought, trying to figure out what might be wrong when I remembered something James had said to me while I was in the shower, “Earlier you said mummy’s belly was blue. What did you mean?”

“She has a boo boo. She said she fell down the stairs but I don’t think that’s what happened,” he told me.

“What do you think happened?” I asked him.

“Daddy hit her when we weren’t here and he hurt her belly,” he told me.

“I think that you are probably right,” I said, “How about you stay here and I’ll go check on mummy. Where’s Catty?”

“With mummy,” he told me to which I nodded my head.

“Where is John?” I asked him.

“Sleeping,” he notified me.

“Lovely,” I muttered.

I mean I understood why John was sleeping. It wasn’t like I didn’t know what had happened to him. I had been right there. I heard him and Da and what…I understood his need to sleep but what about my need to sleep? I was beyond tired my body felt sore still, used. My brain was beyond exhausted as I tried to come to terms with the fact that Matt was right and now mum was hurt as well. Where was my time to sleep? I had gotten a full four hours of sleep and he had probably been sleeping since I had taken him upstairs earlier.

“Well, he’s sad and his special drink helps him forget he’s sad but I think it makes him sleepy,” James tried explaining to me.

“You know what? You are absolutely right,” I told him, “I’m going to go see mummy.”

“Ok, I’m hungry though. Mummy says her tummy hurts too much to cook and she tried to wake up John and have him make food but I think he’s too tired so he forgot,” he told me.

“Ok well, I will make us all some food once I talk to mummy ok?” I told him.

“Ok,” he said walking down the hall to the living room.

I knocked softly on the nursery door before I opened it. I found mum laying on the day bed her shirt pulled up. She was laying on her side an ice pack against her skin. Her belly wasn’t blue it was her ribs such a deep blue and purple they were almost black Catty curled up with her mum hugging Cat against her chest. Both of them sleeping.

“Mum?” I said quietly her nearly jumping out bed and wincing in pain, “Mum what happened?”

“Da and I…it doesn’t matter. What’s wrong love?” she asked before her eyes widened, “OH thank goodness where were you? I was so worried about you. Everyone came home but you boys you didn’t…” she winced again.

“Mum calm down,” I asked her, “Everything is ok.”

“No, love you don’t understand. John didn’t show up until late and he said you were with him but when I went to your room to ask you for help today because I’m sore you weren’t there. Where were you? Your Da told me that Mike and Matt are safe but he won’t tell me anything else and I didn’t know where you were and…” she winced in pain again. Just speaking seemed to make her feel winded.

Da had probably at the very least bruised her ribs if not broken them. And she was up here on her own trying to take care of everyone. Her face didn’t look like it’d been hit but the fact that her torso was black and blue told a different story.

“Mum I’m fine,” I assured her, “I’m ok really. Are you ok?”

“Love I’m fine,” she said, “shite. Did John cook? I don’t think he did. The babies are going to be hungry.”

“I’m going to start some hotdogs. I’ll make sure everyone gets fed mum don’t worry about it,” I told her, “have you called the doctor.”

“No love, there’s nothing they can do anyway. I just have to wait for it to hurt less,” she told me.

“Mum are you sure?” I asked her.

“Yeah love it’s my fault. I should have listened to Vic. He said it was too short of a notice for them. That I should wait until the time we were supposed to go. I should have listened. It’s my own fault we’re back here,” she said.

“Don’t say that mummy. You were just trying to keep us safe,” I said.

“Oh, my love,” she said, “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I…,” she trailed off.

“Mum it’s ok,” I told her, “Don’t worry about it. I’m sure Mike and Matt are ok. I’ll go make us some food.”

I made food. I made sure Andy and Laura and Mac were all fed along with Catty and James and made sure diapers were changed before I had everyone lay down. Then I myself went back to my room and took another shower. Mum was hurt so I knew she needed me more and I couldn’t tell her anyway but all I wanted to do was cry and have her hold me and tell me it would be ok. That Da wasn’t letting uncle Ben hurt Mike and Matt even though he was. I knew he was and so did James and so did John. We all knew it.

Mum spent most of the rest of the weekend sleeping while I took care of everyone. Matt and Mike not being allowed back upstairs until late that afternoon. John didn’t come out of his room that weekend me not seeing him until Monday morning when we were both getting ready for school me doing a last minute check on the babies before waking everyone else up telling Matt and Mike that they needed to make sure both them and James got on the school bus and them telling me not to worry about it. That they had done it on their own for three months before mum came home and that they could do again for another if they had to.

I still felt tired and alone. I knew I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Not that I wanted to. I mean who would want to admit that? That they were whore? That some old guy, literally old enough to be their grandfather was…or had. For some reason, it felt like everyone knew anyway. Finn trying to talk to me during math class and me not able to hold up the conversation. Not able to explain anything or barely even talk.

I sat down at a different lunch table trying to ignore all of them sitting with my book instead because at least my book wasn’t real. Even if bad things were happening in it at least those bad things I could get away from by closing the book and …coming back to my own little nightmare of an existence. Someone sat down across from me and I looked up to see Teddy sitting there.

“Teddy, I don’t want to…”

“I know,” Teddy said.

“You…?” I trailed off Teddy nodding his head.

“I’m sorry,” he said to which I just nodded my head again.

He thought he knew but he didn’t. I was sure he didn’t. That he didn’t understand what it had felt like, how bad it had been.

“Thanks,” I said barely a whisper after a minute.

“If anyone knows what he’s like it…” Teddy gave me a thin lipped sad smile, “If you need to talk about it I’m here.”

“Teddy no offense but you…,” lowered my voice, “remember when you kissed me?”

His face went bright red, “You remember that?”

“Did you think I’d forget?” I asked him.

“Can we talk in the bathroom?” he asked me sheepishly.

I thought about it. He hadn’t tried to kiss me since that one time but, it had still been weird. Last time we had talked alone in a bathroom together he did try to help me. I mean his advice probably was helpful I just apparently wasn’t able to follow it since just being in the same room with Lionel made me nervous. I nodded my head and we both got up from the table going into the bathroom him and me both checking the stalls to make sure they were empty.

“Look my house is weird. I like you. I care about you and at my house when you care about someone you…”

“Randomly kiss them?” I asked him.

“More than that usually?” he said.

“Do I even want to know?” I asked him.

“Look,” Teddy said after a minute of silence, “You don’t understand ok? No one understands. No one will I realize that but, I didn’t know any of it wasn’t normal until I was 7. When Papa and mom decided that I needed to go to school with other people like kids my age. I didn’t know ok? At least you knew it wasn’t normal. My mom encouraged me to kiss my older brother and my younger brother with tongue from like as long as I can remember. It’s weird. I know it’s weird. And I’m sorry but, like I really think of you as a good friend and I…” his face was glowing a deep shade of red at this point, “I like you kind of a lot. When you froze after I did it I knew it was wrong and I know we haven’t really ever talked about it but I’m sorry if I scared you.”

“I don’t think I like kissing just because it’s you know, it’s hard,” I said to which he nodded his head.

“I get it. When some people get nervous they shake someone’s hand when I get nervous I kind of …kiss them. Because it’s what I know and you really opened up to me and I’m sorry. Can I tell you something?” He asked me suddenly his brow furrowing like he was nervous or upset.

“Sure,” I said quietly not sure what he was getting at.

“You swear you won’t tell anyone? Not ever?” he said to which I nodded my head, “My grandpa didn’t…he made Louis.”

It took me a minute to fill in the blanks me frowning at him before it hit me. He was saying that his brother had been the first one to rape him. Not either of his grandpas but his older brother. The one who had kissed me.

“He kissed me too,” I said blurting out the first thing that came to mind.

“What? When did you meet Louis?” Ted asked me frowning before he nodded his head like he was remembering something I had to said to him or he had heard, “He has a hands problem. Papa likes to send him in to spy on people sometimes. To make sure they really are like they appear to be. Like I said before he likes shy boys. So, he’ll send Louis in to make some moves and if they respond he’ll drop them.”

“What?” I asked my jaw hanging open for a moment of awkward silence, “Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

“Well, honestly when we talked about it, it was already too late. How do you think I found out about the whole thing? Him and Louis were talking about it with my mom at the dinner table,” Teddy shrugged his shoulders.

I felt my stomach drop. So, it wasn’t just Teddy that knew but Louis and probably Luke and his mom? So, his whole family knew? Did they know about Friday? Did he talk about it in detail? At the dinner table in front of a six-year-old? The idea made my stomach even more queasy.

“Your mom talked about it?” I asked him.

“Apparently he was wondering if you were too shy. My mom said that if you were brave enough to push Louis away or try to you couldn’t be that shy. She thinks Karen is half retarded but she doesn’t care. She says half retarded is better than meddling,” he told me.

“What else did she say about me?” I asked him.

“She thinks that from what she’s gathered because she hasn’t talked to you, your confused about your sexuality and that that’s why male attention makes you nervous,” Teddy said as a matter a factly, “He likes gay boys though so…”

Now that made my face light up like a Christmas tree. Ted’s mom knew I was gay. She knew I was…? How did she know? Did everyone know? Was I just a giant gay whore? 

“Oh shit,” Teddy swore seeing the expression on his face, “I mean it’s…I’m sorry. I’m not saying you are gay please tell me you’re not…oh my god. Oh my god.”

I couldn’t see him clearly and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. So, everyone just knew. They all just knew and that’s why they wanted me. Because they knew and they liked it?

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong it…”

“DON’T SAY THAT!” I said louder than I had meant to.

“I’m serious Will. There’s nothing wrong it ok? They just see it as…it makes us easy. It gives them an excuse,” Ted said, “Don’t cry. Please don’t cry.”

“Do you even know what he did? Do you even…?” I trailed off putting my hand over my mouth hoping I could myself from sobbing.

“Why do you think for a while he didn’t have anyone else?” Teddy said his eyes starting to shine, “By the time he was finished with his last one I was…old enough. I outgrew him last year ok? He’s hell. He’s walking talking hell ok? I know he is. And I wish…”  
Teddy turned away. It made me wonder how much worse it could get. That Cole wouldn’t talk about it and Teddy wouldn’t talk about it. That no one could talk about whatever it was that he had done only that he had done it. I stood there barely able to see him but able to tell his shoulders were moving as he sniffled as he tried to cry silently.

“I’m sorry,” I said coming up to Teddy and doing the only thing I could think to do. That I had wanted someone to do for me since I had gotten home Friday evening. I hugged him wrapping my arms around the back of his shoulders before he turned around.

“I’m sorry too,” he said hugging me back, “It’s not fair. It’s not.”

“I’ll be ok,” I said trying assure not just him but myself, “It’ll be ok. It’s only for a little while right? I mean I’m older. It won’t be that long.”

Teddy took a minute before he let go of me looking at me, “Yeah but he has an eye on your little brother. He’s bad news Will. He’s really bad news. My papa. He’s not a good guy. He’ll do really really bad things.”

“You’ve said that and Cole’s said that but, I don’t know what it means,” I said Ted going still and taking a deep breath when I mentioned Cole.

“Well you know that in the brotherhood they make like brothers and friends do stuff, right?” he asked me to which I nodded my head.

“Papa…he…makes it worse. It’s not just like sometimes it’s all the time. Not at first. At first it will just be you until he feels like you’re getting too old and then he’ll tell you you have to train your replacement. He’ll make you help him. You understand?” Ted asked me quietly.

“No,” I said, “Everyone says that but, no one’s done it. They all say that they make brothers sleep with each other. My Da hasn’t made us do anything. So that’s true? That they make brothers and friends do that?”

“Yeah,” he said, “Usually they point a camera in your face and make you have sex. But papa, he does it different. He’ll call you into the room and if you don’t do what he says to who he’s telling you to he won’t just hurt you. He’ll hurt them. And it will be bad. It will be really bad. So, you either do it or he’ll get someone that will do things to them and make you watch and you’ll never forgive yourself. Ok? So, you just have to do it. You have to. And he’ll be…he’ll touch both you. Or other stuff. So, you just have to do it ok?”

The bile rose in my throat causing me to turn into the nearest stall and lose my lunch, mostly in the toilet but a little bit on the floor. So, he would make me…? With my brother while he raped us both. That’s what Teddy was telling me. But if Teddy had been his boy for a while then…

“The last boy trains the new one does that mean you and Cole…?” I trailed off as Teddy’s face turned bright red again.

Is that why Cole didn’t talk about it? Because he had made Cole rape Teddy? Because he had made Cole do things he didn’t want to do? I stopped trying to do the math in my head. Cole had told me that he been 10 and he was now 14. So that was four years ago and Ted was now 12. Ted had been seven. Ted was the same age that James was when he…when he had made him, made Cole do things to him.

Yeah, that was beyond vile. No wonder Cole and Ted didn’t want to talk about it. I couldn’t even wrap my mind around the idea. The idea of having to rape my six-year-old brother. That was beyond sick. No wonder Ted was fucked up. It was bad enough when it was your dad. Let alone some older kid who knew exactly what it felt like. I couldn’t imagine being forced to do that to someone so little and helpless without my stomach feeling sick again. I turned back around throwing up into the toilet again.

“I’m sorry I just thought it was better to warn you before he started doing that. You can’t let him know you know though. Not ever. I’ll get in a huge trouble. I’m not supposed to talk about him at all. To anyone. Mum says that type of stuff is private and that I shouldn’t talk about it at all. Sometimes though it feels like…it’s hard knowing that I did that. That I have to do that when I don’t want to hurt anyone. However not doing it is a lot worse,” he told me.

“Do I even want to know what you mean by that?” I asked.

“Considering you just threw up twice I’d like to say that no. No, you would not,” he said.

The look on his face coupled with the absurdity of the situation and the fact that I felt like I was going insane caused me to start laughing first chuckling a little bit and then out right laughing. Teddy raising an eyebrow at me and then curled his upper lip. Making me laugh that much harder.

“Are you ok? I’m going to get Finn.” He said before he quickly walked away leaving me there laughing on the bathroom floor hugging a toilet to hold myself up.

It was maybe 2 minutes before some kid came into the bathroom our eyes making contact before he backed out slowly me still laughing hysterically. I felt like I had lost it. I didn’t want to know what he meant by a lot worse. I had stabbed myself 11 times with a sowing needle in the thigh the night before after…after I had orgasmed so hard it felt like it might as well be the first time I had ever climaxed while in a limo with him for four fucking hours. I had come home to find my mum beaten to shit, my older brother drunk and my little siblings starving. My life was fucking great and I couldn’t stop laughing.

Maybe two minutes after that Finn and Quinn walked in followed by Todd and Julian, Teddy returning with them and surprisingly enough Cole.

“Ok,” Cole sighed, “Come on.”

“The look on his face…the…” I barely managed while I continued to laugh so hard my stomach hurt.

“Has he lost it?” Todd asked his eyes wide and fearful.

“I don’t think so,” Cole said, “Come on Will. It’s ok.”

“It’s not ok,” I said finally managing to catch my breath, shaking my head the laughter finally subsiding, “it’s not ok.”

“It is right now,” Cole told me as Finn helped me to my feet, “You want to talk alone?”

I nodded my head. What I really wanted to do now that I had stopped laughing was cry. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I didn’t want to be his. I didn’t want to belong to Lionel. I didn’t want him to do that to me again. I didn’t want anyone to ever do that to me again. Everyone sighed looking at us Teddy hovering near the door as everyone else left.

“Should I…?”

“Go? Yeah Ted I think you should go. You didn’t need to tell him any of that. None of it ok?” Cole said frowning at him.

“He deserves to know. You know he deserves to know,” Teddy insisted.

“Not the way you told him,” Cole said shaking his head and pinching the bridge of his nose.

“How do you tell someone that. Oh, and by the way he’s going to make you mess around with six-year old’s? I mean is there any good way to tell someone that Cole? Is there some way I’m not aware of?” Ted said.

“Maybe just tell him to be aware that he would make him do things he really didn’t want to do? Start with that and see how he responded?” Cole shot back, “God damn it Ted I know he’s your grandfather but good god.”

“I’m right here,” I said quietly causing them both to turn and look at me, “So he really did make you two you know?”

“Yes,” Cole said folding his arms across his chest and sighing heavily, “If I wouldn’t have it would have been a lot worse.”

“Yeah and I know that now,” Ted said, “Yet I feel like you still hate me.”

“I don’t hate you,” Cole said, “It’s just…it’s awkward ok? I remember you crying. Because I was hurting you. Because it hurts and I know it hurts and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. I remember him making me do horrible things to you, ok? And I don’t like thinking about it. That’s why I don’t talk to you. Because I don’t like remembering what he made me do with you ok?”

“What did he make you do?” I asked voicing a question I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer to.

“Doubles,” Cole said, “With him and other stuff. That time every time I stopped moving he’d hit the back of my head and tell me if I didn’t he’d let Sergei do it and Sergei hurts. He enjoys hurting. So, I…”

Cole was quiet his eyes going anywhere but Teddy. Teddy who he was probably imagining as a little boy no older than our little brothers Luke and James. His olive skin and curly dark hair covered in sweat. A body that was way too small for that shaking in fear and pain. I couldn’t imagine ever doing that to someone. Finding the idea hard to process that I might have to. That Lionel would bring some little kid into the room while he was…doing things to me and make me do things to that kid while they cried. While they begged me to stop or shivered in silent fear like I so often did their body betraying them. My head spinning as it was hard to breathe.

“I always thought it was weird,” Ted said, “I didn’t really feel like it hurt until doubles but it always felt weird having papa’s tongue there and then…” he trailed off.

“You know I’m sorry. For all of it. I’ll never forgive myself. I’ll never not…I can’t even look at a younger kid without something like that flashing through my brain. It makes me feel disgusting. I can’t blame you for it. I just feel so guilty about it. You know?” Cole said.

“I miss you sometimes. Not when we were doing that but, the talking and stuff. Hanging out with someone almost normal. Because you know throw a way’s all they talk about is how badly their lives suck now compared to before they were brought or kidnapped or whatever. And Luke, I love Luke but he’s not into baseball. He’s almost as weird as the rest of us. So…,” Teddy shrugged his shoulders.

“You’re not weird because you want to be,” Cole said, “Neither am I. None of us are. We’re just weird because we have to be. I am sorry.”

“You said he did worse,” I said looking at Ted, “what’s worse?”

“You mean than having to sleep with someone who is six? If you say no he’ll pull out a throwaway. I once watched Sergei with one of them. I think you were there,” Ted said and Cole nodded his head.

“Until I saw what happened to Justin it was the most horrifying experience ever. He took this kid that had to be maybe 8 and he pulled all of us into the morgue. More or less like this little area of rooms down in the basement. Sergei likes blood play. He cut the kid with a scalpel in several different places before he took this…thing. And he shoved it inside the kid. Hard. He started coughing up blood. Dr. Huntz pulled it out and reached inside him, his ass and he pulled out his insides. By then the poor kid couldn’t even scream. Lionel looked at me and he said it was my fault. That if I would have just played with him and Teddy it wouldn’t have happened that way. That the only reason it wasn’t both of them was because Teddy is family to him. That I killed him. Dr. Huntz gave him a shot and then he made me feel for a pulse. Kid was dead. Don’t tell anyone this. Pat doesn’t know, your brother doesn’t know. My own Dad doesn’t know. Three out of the six people that do know are standing in this room. Ok?”

I was so shocked I couldn’t throw up. I couldn’t even speak. So, Vic hadn’t been lying. They killed people, kids. Not that I thought he had been or Cole but the way Cole described it his voice monotone like he was reading from a boring book told me that it had traumatized him and it was something he avoided thinking about as often as possible. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to live with myself after seeing something like that. Watching someone do something like that to a little kid. I nodded my head numbly my brain trying to wrap itself around the fact that he had exposed a six and a 10-year-old to that. To the violent murder of another human being.

“It achieved what he wanted. Neither one of us ever said no again,” Teddy said barely above a whisper.

“And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I wasn’t brave enough to say no again Ted. I really am,” Cole said his eyes shining with tears that he was refusing to cry.

“It’s not like you were big either. I mean you were 10,” Ted said, “I’ve never blamed you Cole. Not ever. I just miss you talking to me.”

I wasn’t sure what to make of that considering Teddy really liked me. Did he mean as friends or something else? Was his brain that screwed up that sex was friendship to him? That he had never had a real friendship where he hadn’t been forced to do those things.

“I’ll try,” Cole said, “It just makes me think of him ok? I mean you don’t look anything like him but knowing that you’re related to him it just…”

“What do you think I would tell him anything? No. I don’t tell him anything. Listening to him talk about anyone makes me sick. Him and Louis and mom sit there at dinner and talk about it. It’s gross. They talk about lowering the age and getting more girls to make more matches so there can be more of us. Who they want to be the next leader, and who looks promising to be future leaders. Who they are going to track and …I don’t want to listen to that stuff.” He said.

“Didn’t they just lower the age?” I asked him.

“Of branding and induction? Yeah, they just lowered it to 8 and contracting to 10. They’re talking about taking it down two maybe four more years,” he said.

“THE FUCK!?” Cole exclaimed loudly, “That means 4 and 6. Four would…branding a four-year-old could kill them.”

“It could kill us and we’re 12 and 14. You know how high the risk of infection is?” Ted said shaking his head.

“No,” Cole said, “I mean I figured it was dangerous but that makes it more so for someone even younger don’t you think?”

“He’s having trouble getting the OG’s to agree anyway. The GL OG’s won’t budge they say that’s too young to share. That if someone wants to start training their own kid that young it’s different than sharing them with the rest of the brotherhood. That they are refusing and it has to be a unanimous yes for it to become code,” Ted said.

“Thank god someone has some type of morality,” Cole said.

“GL OG?” I asked.

“Girl Lover Original Gangster. The Counsel. The broad of leaders whatever…there’s three different parts to the brotherhood. There’s inclusive which is both genders and then Girl lovers and then Boy lovers. All you’ll probably ever see is boy lovers because well, that’s what your Dad wants and he’s going to be paying a lot of money to keep other people from touching your sisters. Papa is a Boy lover. He’s the leader of the East coast charter. You have him, west coast, Midwest, A couple different countries have their own representatives and then a European leader, one from Asia and one from South America. There’s like six or 10 of them that vote on everything. If they don’t all say yes it doesn’t pass. I mean he can make rules for here but ages is one that requires a 100% unanimous yes to change. Like he could change the number of 1’s in our charter, he could try and change the ethnicity of the ones, he could change dress code at the Villa and the whatever the girls call their house, he can do a lot of things on his own just because he says so but, he can’t change the ages of branding, trackers, induction, contracts. All of those things need a vote,” Ted explained.

“You mean they could do this to my sisters?” I asked the feeling making me think I was going to be sick again.

“They could when Catherine or anyone else turns 8,” Ted confirmed, “My grandpa keeps saying he can’t talk your Da into it for whatever reason though. So, be thankful that at least they only have to deal with your Dad probably and no one else. I mean you’re allowed to touch your own kids as young as you like. I was so young I don’t remember it.” Ted said his cheeks turning red.

Did he mean the first time someone touched him? He was that little that he didn’t remember? Not at all? Not even a little bit.

“How do you know?” I asked him.

“Mom told me. And other things I don’t care to get into,” Ted said to which Cole and I nodded our heads.

“So, you know even more about it than I do?” I asked him.

“He is my grandpa so yeah,” he said, “I try to tune it out because it’s beyond sick but, when the three adults in your house discuss it around the dinner table and you have to ask permission to leave it kind of…it’s hard not to hear it.”

“how much do you know?” he asked me.

“I read my Da’s emails. A lot of it is about us. My brothers and stuff. My dad and how much money he’s giving them. What’s been brought or taken care of. Different correspondence with different people. Stuff about John, about me. Uncle Ben, everyone. None of it is like the stuff you just told me though. Not that I’ve seen.”

“Well, your dad is new he’s still earning his place. I mean his money helps him with that and you and…yeah all of that but, it takes time to build a reputation for good business and membership standing. Give it a year and those emails will start coming in. Your Dad will get invites to hosting parties. Inclusive parties sometimes. Your Uncle will for sure. He already does. Hosting parties is when the representatives from other countries come in and …,” he trailed off.

“You’ll go to a lot of those. He’ll make you be there but he won’t let anyone touch you unless it’s one of the top of the top council members and they ask to see you. The guy from Japan he’s also the Asian main guy he likes fair skinned, thin and …,” Cole sighed, “He’s not dangerous like Lionel though. He’s just kind of weird.”

“What?” I asked him.

“Dude, don’t even. Let him figure that out on his own because I’m not about to explain that one,” Ted said.

“It’s not bad he’s not dangerous,” Cole assured me.

“So, Lionel when he says he won’t hurt you, he’s lying?” I asked them.

They both nodded their heads. I had caught that. How violent he got when he thought I was going to resist or say no. The way his eyes flashed when I did something like not move fast enough. How he’d ask for my opinions or thoughts and then ignore what I had said. He was seriously dangerous.

“So, I’m…?” I trailed off taking a deep breath before I tried again, “I’m his for real? There’s nothing anyone can do?”

“Your Dad signed the contract so no,” Ted said, “We’ve warned you about the worst of it. You should be able to at least prepare yourself for it. Huh, just be aware. He won’t be around too much. It'll be about every other week. I’ll usually be there at his house if you spend the night so that might be fun if he’s not…you know. Because I spend weekends at his house when he’s in town.”

“You mean the Villa?” I asked him to which he nodded his head.

“Well, he does live there when he’s here so yeah,” Cole said which caused us all to smile lightly before he added, “Like we’d like to think he lives in a gingerbread shack in the woods behind the Villa but…he doesn’t eat children in that way.”

Ted’s smile broadened and he shook his head, “Dude, you’re sick.”

“We’d be better off if he did. Maybe then someone would throw him in an oven,” I said joining in.

“That would be awesome,” Ted said smiling happily at the thought.

“Well welcome to our sick little club,” Cole said, “I would love to stay and chat but I’m already late for class. Are you two ok?”

“As ok as I can be,” I said, “I feel less alone anyway.”

“Good,” Cole said, “If you need to talk I’m here and Teddy’s here obviously. I’ll try to be nicer to you Ted ok? It’s just…”

“Yeah, I know,” Ted said nodding his head, “Thank you for not getting mad at me.”

“I’m never mad at you Ted it’s just weird. I’ll see you later ok?” Cole said to which both Ted and I nodded our heads before the first bell rang releasing us from lunch telling us it was time to go to our next class.

I felt numb the rest of the day. Too tired and too confused to cry or even think about crying. Everyone said that Hank was dangerous, that Ben was and Arthur but it seemed like the one that was really the most dangerous of them all was Lionel. Because he wasn’t just violent he played mind games. He manipulated people and then when you didn’t do what he said he tortured you. No wonder he kept his boys close. He probably didn’t want anyone else getting into their heads. Messing with their minds the way he did.

When I got home I ended up doing homework all night. After mine was finished I helped Mike and Matt with theirs and James and Cat with theirs and then I sat down to make dinner. I didn’t see John like at all. Since he got home before I did every day and seemed to just hide out in his room and drink. I stepped away to fix dinner and asked Mike and James to keep an eye on everyone as mum slept in the nursery staying in there with the babies because she was still so sore and beaten up. 

After dinner was cooked and everyone else was gathered around the table I went and knocked on John’s bedroom door to tell him dinner was ready. I didn’t really wait for him to answer opening the door to find the lights off him curled up in his bed his Khaki’s and under shirt from his uniform still on an empty bottle on the night stand next to him, “I made Mac and cheese for dinner.”

“I’m not hungry. Thanks though,” John mumbled rolling over so he was looking at me in the darkness instead of facing the wall.

“Are you ok?” I asked him quietly.

I knew being home wasn’t any easier for him than I was finding it. That Da never left him alone. That he was tired and suicidal and that mum was beat to shit. That he was having just as hard a time as I was.

“Not really,” he told me sitting up.

“You want to talk about it?” I asked him shutting the door and turning on the light him blinking at me as I sat down in the chair at his desk across from him.

“Just keep Matt away from me for a while ok?” he said sitting up a little bit.

He looked like he was drunk and his room smelled like booze. He looked like he had been crying. Or like he wanted to cry but didn’t have the energy. It made me wonder what Matt had said to him. If he had told John that he had let Da get a hold of him that one time because he had been mad at us.

Matt and Mike had spent the weekend locked in the basement with Uncle Ben. Matt was probably just being a shit because he was upset because he blamed us for being back here. Believed we were whores. That we made a big stink about nothing and that it had cost not just us but him and Mike as well.

“Matt’s been through a lot so if he’s being weird just try to brush it off ok?” I told him.

Matt acted like it didn’t bother him but it did. That’s why he was always angry all the time. Always asking weird questions and saying things to make people upset or piss them off. Because it did hurt him in some way even if he didn’t want to admit it. He blamed us for it though. Blamed us whenever he got hurt or Mike. I couldn’t blame him for doing it though. It was only 8. He was still little and he still didn’t understand even if he was shit about it.

“Da showed him the same video he showed mum,” John told me, “And now Matt is asking me really really personal questions and right now I just can’t deal with it.”

“Like what type of questions?” I asked even though I knew the answer I was pretty sure. Questions that would be hard or John to answer, questions that would make him upset because he wanted to see john hurt. And the only way he knew he could hurt John was to remind John of things he didn’t want to think about. Things that upset him, that would upset anyone.

“If I like it. He thinks I like it Will. Because he saw one video of me black out drunk where I was…,” he sighed grabbing a pillow and putting if over his face.

I leaned forward taking the pillow away hugging it to my chest as he sighed heavily looking at me his face slightly flushed across his cheeks. He was embarrassed by that video. Not that I blamed him. I mean I would be too knowing that people had seen me like that. In a mental state where I couldn’t control myself or my reactions. In a mental state where I didn’t even realize the video was happening or remember being filmed.

“Matt’s too little. He doesn’t understand,” I reminded him, “It’s different for them because it’s all they’ve ever really known.”

That was true. Da had been touching us and abusing us since we could remember so that meant it had been going on since before they could remember. Even if it hadn’t been happening to them it had been happening their whole lives to someone that was around them so they had been exposed to it from birth. That would screw anyone up. That would confuse anyone.

“I was four the first time Uncle Ben ever did anything to me and even I still know it’s not right. Regardless of what Da tells me because I’m not stupid,” John muttered crossing his arms over his chest in frustration.

He wasn’t stupid. He was confused. He didn’t know anything else. At the rate we were going he probably never would. He would probably end up like them. Thinking it was ok to abuse kids. That it was ok to show your kids that you loved them like that. John and I both knew that wasn’t real love. That Da hadn’t always been like that but, that didn’t mean it was something Matt understood. Or Mike or any of them. As far as we knew he had been abusing them the same way he had done us and we just weren’t aware of it.

“Matt’s not stupid he’s confused,” I told him, “They had him locked down there since we got home Friday and they only let him back up here to bathe and eat and go to school. Da is going to come and take him back downstairs tonight I’m pretty sure. The lock on the pantry is gone John. I don’t know if you noticed that or not but things are seriously fucked up right now. You can’t blame him for being a confused kid.”

John rolled his eyes before he sat up straight turning his body to face me full on, “He asked me if I like oral Will. He asked me if I like it when Da…” his face started to flush red again where the red had finally left his cheeks just minutes before.

“He outright just asked?” I looked at him.

Why would Matt ask that? Why would he want to know that? He knew what it felt like. It wasn’t like he didn’t know. Him and Da had been very explicit about the relationship they had in front of me and in front of Mike and James. It wasn’t any secret that Da did that type of stuff to him to.

“He just out right asked?” I asked him to confirm.

“YES!” John said forcefully.

“That’s not right,” I said shaking my head, “I’ll talk to him when I get the chance ok?”

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head, “Just keep him away from me for a while ok?” he said to which I nodded my head.

“Can you help me out in a little while though?” I asked him, “I’m drowning here. I need to get everyone in bed starting around 7:30 so if you could help me with that I’d be really grateful.”

“Of course,” John said, “For now though can you just let me nap?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “I’ll come wake you up when it’s time.”

“Thanks,” John said as I shut the door behind me.

I went and sat down at the table where James and Cat were finishing eating, “So Jennifer is pregnant? I thought she was a Barbie doll?” he asked her.

“She is but she my Barbie and Barbie can be anything so she’s going to be a mummy again,” she informed him, “I just have to get mummy to buy me a baby for her. Another baby.”

“Could Ken get pregnant?” James asked her.

“Well,” Cat said thoughtfully, “He could but I think it would be weird. And his name is Calvin not Ken.”

“Oh,” James said, “can boys get pregnant in real life?” he asked looking at me.

“No,” I told him, “We kind of talked about this remember guys?”

“Yeah,” Cat said, “Boys can’t have babies because they don’t have a place for the baby to grow.”

“That’s right,” I said, “Very good.”

“Wait so if two boys get married they can’t have a baby, right?” James asked me.

“Well, first of all boys can’t get married to each other it’s against the law and second they could have kids they just would need a woman in order to do it. Like someone to grow the baby in their tummy or they would adopt,” I told him.

“You mean take a baby that isn’t really their baby and raise it like it’s their baby?” Cat asked me.

“Yes,” I said, “How do you know about that?”

“Because my friend Marsha is adopted because her mummy’s growing place didn’t work so her birth mummy gave her to her real mummy to take care of because she couldn’t do it. So, her birth mummy had her like mummy had us and then her real mummy takes care of her. We talked about it at school. When I told her, I had so many brothers and sisters she asked me if any of you were adopted. I told her that Matt was special but I was pretty sure he wasn’t adopted and that I know everyone younger then me came out of mummy’s tummy.” Cat explained to me.

“Well, it’s a vagina but yes,” I said.

“Oh right,” Cat said nodding her head.

“Matt’s not adopted,” James said.

“How do you know?” Cat asked him.

“He looks just like Mike and Mike’s not adopted that’s how I know,” he said.

“Their identical twins,” I told them.

“I almost had twins,” James said setting his fork in his empty bowl.

“No bud three babies at once is triplets. They would have been your triplet siblings not twins,” I told him.

“I miss them sometimes. I think,” James told me.

“How do you mean?” Cat asked him, “I don’t remember them being here.”

“Well,” I said, “They both got very sick while they were in mummy’s tummy with James and so God took them back to heaven when they were born. That’s why you don’t remember them but I do. You remember them?”

“Sometimes I think I do,” James told me, “But then sometimes I think I don’t. Does that make sense?”

“Yes, it makes sense to me,” I told him.

“Did I have a twin?” Cat asked me.

“No. You’re like John and me. You were an only baby,” I told her.

“And two babies at once is twins and three at once is triplets and four at once is…” she trailed off.

“Quadruplets and five at once is quintuplets,” I told her.

Her eyes went really wide “five at once?”

“It’s happened. It’s rare but it happens,” I told her.

“My friend Freddy has siblings that are three like I was,” James told me.

“My friend Sally her cat just had five kitties at once. Is it like that?” Cat asked me.

“Kind of. It’s very rare,” I told her.

“What do you think they were like?” I asked him.

I wasn’t sure how much mum had told him about them. About his brothers that he had lost. One of them had been an identical. His identical twin. He was too little to understand the logistics of that though. How one baby could not be identical to the other two. How two eggs had been fertilized and then one had spilt creating two fetuses’ instead of continuing to develop as one while the other egg developed as one fetus.

“I dream about them sometimes,” he told me.

“What’s it like?” Cat asked him.

“Well one time I thought it was a mirror but it was a boy and then the other one was like me only not. He had red hair. Which I thought was weird because it looked like me only with red hair. All of our sisters have red hair,” James said.

“Well, actually it’s weird that they don’t have blonde hair you want to know why?” I asked him.

“Why?” him and Cat asked me in unison.

“Red hair is what’s considered a dormant trait. That means that a lot of people have the genes that make red hair but they don’t have red hair. It’s actually really rare that so many people in one family have red hair,” I told them James’ eyes going wide as he looked at Catty and smiled.

“Catty you know what this means right? You’re special too! I thought I was special because I had twins but, it means your special too. And that means Laura and Mary are extra special because they have red hair and twins.” He said.

Every time he said it my smile grew because he kept saying it wrong. It was cute though. His brothers that we had lost were his multiple siblings or his triplet brothers but he kept calling them his twins. And Andy and Seamus weren’t Laura and Mary’s twin brothers but their twins which was correct English but still sounded super cute. And they were extra special because they had red hair and also had twins too.

It was good to see him being a kid. A normal kid not bent over his homework or crying hysterically because he was afraid that some old pervert was going to hurt him. Because he’d had nightmares about him where Da held him down and let that old pervert rape him. Go into his body and…take a piece of him away. The idea of him being normal and watching them have a normal conversation making me happy. Making me feel like maybe they could be ok.

“Will did you hear me?” he asked me suddenly.

“Sorry bud,” I said, “What did you say?”

“I said I know mummy is sleeping because she has a blue belly but I was wondering if I could play on my piano. I know it’s late but I really want to play and I didn’t get to all last week and I really want to.” He told me.

“How about we try to make sure there’s time tomorrow ok? It is kind of late and I’m about to put the babies to bed and then you two need to go to bed ok?” I told him.

“Ok,” he agreed, “Do you want me to rinse my bowl?”

“Yes, please that would be very helpful,” I said, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he told me, “Are you done too Cat? I’ll rinse your bowl too.”

“Ok, I have to go brush my teeth,” she told him handing him her bowl, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he said again going over to the sink and reaching over and grabbing the stool before he stepped onto it. He had trouble reaching the faucet without the stool because he was still so little. Both of them were just so little. I couldn’t imagine myself ever hurting either one of them. Especially not like that. I don’t know what got into me but I went up behind him and hugged him.

“Thank you for being such a big help bud,” I said kissing the crown of his head before I walked away getting Andy out of his booster seat and then Laura and walking them to the nursery stopping and tapping on John’s bedroom door on the way there.

“Hey John? Can I get your help? I’m going to help Andy and Laura brush their teeth can you please…,” I said as he opened up his bedroom door.

“Yeah, I’m here. What do you need me to do?” he asked me.

“Can you help James finish washing the dishes and then make sure Cat and he brush their teeth? Maybe read them a bedtime story?” I asked.

“Yeah, I’m on it,” he said walking down the hall towards the kitchen.

It took a while to get both of them brushed me having to do the brushing because they were little and all they really did was chew on the brush instead of actually brushing it. Once they were done I made sure they were in fresh diapers and changed them into their PJ’s mum waking up again as we came out of the bathroom.

“All right wee loves, time for bed,” Mum said going to stand up before she winced in pain.

“Mum,” I said going over to her and helping her lay back down, “I’ve got it. Do you need to feed Mary or Seamus?” I asked her.

“Yes, love I do,” she said, “I need the rocking chair could you…”

“Yeah,” I said putting my arm around her gently making sure I stayed aware of her bad side as I helped her limp over to the rocking chair before I grabbed Mary and handed her to mum before I realized mum couldn’t move that well.

“Mum do you need me to…?” I felt my face turning red just thinking about it.

She needed help. She probably hadn’t bathed in three days because it was hard for her to move. She was probably in an insane amount of pain. She could barely move her arms because he chest and torso were so sore.

“I know it’s a lot to ask love and I know you’re shy about it so if you leave I think I can manage,” she told me.

“What do I do exactly?” I asked her finding my resolve. Figuring that if I didn’t do it she might not be able to do at all and she needed to feed them. They needed their food and imagining how much sorer she must have been since she had been struggling to do it herself. To move her arms and hold them and change them herself.

“I just need you to help me pull my left sleeve off and pull my bra strap down, that’s all love the rest I can get myself,” she told me.

“You shouldn’t even be wearing one mum,” I said shaking my head.

“Nonsense. You know how unc…” she laughed a little causing herself to wince in pain.

“Mum don’t wear one tomorrow. I’m calling Dr. Palmer. You need to do something mum,” I told her.

“No, this is my fault I will deal with the consequences,” she said.

“Mum…” tried again.

“No William I am not like my mother. I am not a woman who lets her husband beat her and her children. That is not who I am. This will go away. I will be fine. This is my fault let me deal with it my way. Now help me get my shirt off if you could please,” she told me to which I nodded my head helping her get her shirt off using one arm as I held Mary up against my shoulder. I handed Mary to her and then put Laura and Andy into their cribs as before I reached in and grabbed Mac changing his diaper before I laid him back down with a sippy cup.

“Mum?” I asked her.

“Yes love?” she asked me.

“Do we have any formula? I know you don’t like using it but maybe…maybe we should have Da buy some. Just until you’re better,” I said quietly.

“I don’t think he would even if I asked,” she sighed.

She needed help. And he was letting her struggle. He had beaten her up so badly she could barely move and he wasn’t offering her any help what so ever. I sighed sticking around to help her feed Seamus before I decided I was going to do something about it. That she needed the formula. I knew she needed it. There was no way she would ever get better if she didn’t get some type of break. I made sure Seamus and Mary were both changed and handed Mac a bottle of Milk.

I didn’t care to be quiet. She needed help. I knew she needed help and that Da was still awake that it was only nine. My regular bed time. So, I went downstairs to his office. Not worried about who heard the lift kick on. I sighed heavily before I knocked on his office door his voice answering sharply.

“What is it?”

“Da, it’s me,” I said quietly.

“You can come in,” he told me, “Did you have fun this weekend?”

So, he wasn’t even going to ask me how my day was but how my time with the leader had been? Was that all that mattered? Was that all he cared about?

“Mum needs help,” I told him.

“She should have thought about that before Thursday afternoon, shouldn’t she?” he said, “What do you think you can do to help her?”

“She needs to see a doctor and she can’t feed the babies like this Da. She needs pain meds and we need Formula,” I told him.

“What for?” he asked me.

“She’s having trouble even moving. I think you broke her ribs. She’s in so much pain Da and she won’t get better if she doesn’t have help. Or get some type of break,” I told him.

“What do I get in return?” he asked me flat out swiveling around in his chair to face me.

I knew what he was asking. And he knew I would do it. I would do whatever he wanted me to in order to make sure she got the medical care that she needed but didn’t want. In order to make sure my little brothers and sisters were fed and taken care of. I felt my throat tighten.

“Do you want me to…?” I trailed off my hands going to my belt starting to undo it.

I was still in my school uniform. I hadn’t gotten the chance to change yet. Not between doing my own homework and helping everyone else and making sure everyone was taken care of and fed and ready for bed. Me undoing my belt before he stood up causing me to step back a couple paces.

“I’d love that,” he said, “How about we go next door? Into the bedroom.”

I nodded my head gulping. I couldn’t say no. If I said no it wouldn’t be just me who suffered but everyone. He would probably hurt someone else or not give me the stuff we needed. Or he would refuse call Dr. Palmer to come see mum. He grabbed my hand as he walked past me practically dragging me along behind him. When we got to the door he picked me up. Almost like I was little. He sat me down on the bed lowering his body on top of mine, his nose brushing against mine as I closed my eyes.

“No come honey, look at me,” he said quietly.

“Why?” I asked barely a whisper.

“I want to see your eyes. I want to love you,” he muttered before his lips met mine, his tongue pushing into my mouth.

My skin started crawling. I wanted to cry but knew it would make him mad. That he wouldn’t do what I needed him to do if I cried him finally breaking the kiss starting to undo my button up.

“Will you let me make love to you Honey? Like you let Lionel? He said you were good. That you were such a good boy for him. Can you be a good boy for me?” he asked me.

Lionel hadn’t made love to me. He had raped me. I knew he had raped me. It didn’t matter what Da wanted to call it or him. I hadn’t wanted it to happen. No matter what my body had told the leader. I hadn’t wanted to do that and I didn’t want to do this. But I didn’t have choice. There weren’t any options.

I nodded my head before I managed to find my words him undoing the last button on my button up and moving to help me get my arms untangled from my shirt, “I’ll be good. I promise daddy.”

“I love it when you call me daddy,” he said quietly pulling my under shirt up over my head before he started kissing the center of my chest before his mouth immediately moved to my nipple that cold fire stealing my breath.

I started to try and relax. Try and tell myself over and over that I was ok even though I knew I wasn’t. I wasn’t ok. Him kissing and licking my chest until it felt wet and sticky. He didn’t speak as he pulled my pants off. Only speaking when he stood up to take off his pants smiling at me.

“You want to do me a favor?” he asked me quietly from where I laid frozen on the bed.

I wasn’t sure what he meant by a favor. I thought I was already doing one. Not sure what was going on. 

“Will honey? Are you there?”

“Yeah,” I said quietly, “Sorry.”

“You want to try something new?” he asked me quietly.

New? How was anything about this new? He’d done everything to me. At least I had thought so. Him taking off his shirt and throwing it on the ground on top of his pants and underwear. Me highly aware that we were both naked. 

“I…,” I said trying to think of what would be new about anything we could do, “I don’t know.”

He grabbed me by the arms pulling me up the bed a little bit so my legs were no longer hanging off the foot of the bed before he sighed stepping back and looking at me nodding his head in satisfaction. He swung one of his legs over my head his penis in my face. I had no idea what he was doing. As he climbed on top of me putting his mouth around me down there, his penis in my face one knee on each side of my head.

He stopped for a minute, “Just lick. I know it’ll be kind of hard to concentrate but it will be fun.” He said before going back to it.

I had no idea what he was doing. It was new and I didn’t think I liked it. His penis poking me in the chin as his mouth moved up and down on me. Making me squirm.

He stopped again, “All you have to do is lick and suck while I do the same to you. It’s fun. I bet you didn’t do this with Lionel, did you?” he asked me.

No. No I had not. Is that why he was doing it because he didn’t want Lionel to do it first? Whatever it was. I shook my head before I realized that he would be mad if I didn’t answer and he couldn’t see my face because I was staring at his junk.

“No,” I said quietly.

“Ok honey just use your mouth. It’ll feel so good and I’ll make you feel good. I want you to feel so good honey,” he said before he licked my tip causing me to moan like Lionel had caused me to on Friday. My face burning red with shame as I closed my eyes so I didn’t have to see that curly mess of hair anymore. See his…everything wrapping my fist around it before I started trying to lap at it because I knew if I didn’t he would mad.

He moaned happily with me in his mouth his hips starting to thrust forward like he was trying to make me do more than I was. The more he sucked the harder he seemed to go. Making it hard for me to do anything but pant. The pressure kept building making it harder and harder to think or focus on anything else. My body was on fire as I tried my best to do what I knew he wanted me to. To put my mouth on him and do it back. At some point, me not able to move anymore at least not voluntarily. My whole-body twitching and shaking before I felt something wet and warm sliding into me making me tense.

“No honey just relax. I know it’s new but it’s ok,” he told me, “Why don’t you let me know what it feels like?”

He moved his finger around still kissing and licking making my body squirm. I wasn’t sure if I was trying to get away or if my body was trying to make him do more, touch me more, lick me more. I wanted him to stop. My brain screaming at me to make him stop but knowing I couldn’t. I couldn’t control my whimpering. Especially when his finger started to move finding that spot.

He was trying. He was trying to get me off. And it was working. My body was responding and I was hating it. I was hating how he kept hitting the right spot sending chills and tingles up down my spine almost as badly as Lionel had in the limo. I would have screamed at him if I could have made any noise besides the sound a dog makes when you kick it. My lip trembling and my face burning with shame every time he hit that spot a certain way. I was crying. He couldn’t see my face. I knew he couldn’t see my face. And I wasn’t doing it because I wanted to. I was doing for them. He did it until I climaxed. Him only stopping when he had swallowed all of my seed. Everything that I had to give him before he rolled off of me. Sitting up.

“Honey don’t cry,” he said flipping around kissing my forehead, “There’s nothing to be upset about. I just wanted you to feel good. You feel good, don’t you? You came for me so I know it had to feel good. And now you want my cock, don’t you? Because you’re my beautiful little cock slut. Let Daddy’s cock fill you nice and full huh?” he said as he pushed inside me taking my arms and wrapping them around his neck as I stopped crying.

I was beyond done. The hard part was over with. That’s what I told myself closing my eyes or trying to because he made a sound, clicking his tongue.

“Don’t be ashamed. I love that you want my cock. I want you to have my cock,” he said as he started thrusting. He didn’t even have to try to find that spot. That spot that felt like it was pushing static up my spine and through my nervous system. That same spot Lionel had hurt me trying to find before he managed to hit it. My whole body feeling tighter each time he rubbed against it.

“That’s it honey, that’s it. You know you want it. You know want my cock, take my cock. Oh, fuck yes good boy, that’s it good boy, take my cock. My hungry little cock slut. So, hungry for it.”

I stared through him not at him. If I had focused my eyes I could see him and I couldn’t ignore what he was saying but he was staring right at me riding me until I climaxed again my body pushing him to the edge within a couple of thrust before he finally stilled. I could feel my muscle rippling. From my shoulders, down into my calves. I felt numb. My body feeling like jelly but my brain just feeling numb. Knowing what I had just done. That my Da had just…

“I’ll go to the store in the morning and get them some Formula. I think I can ask Karen for a favor and have her come watch the babies for the day, maybe two if she’s not busy,” he told me as he pulled out standing up, “That was amazing. Not as good as John but, still amazing. Lionel’s right you’re a good boy. You’re special.” He said as he put his clothes on. “You can go upstairs when you’re ready.”

I kept waiting for my legs to regain feeling. After what felt like forever I could finally move my toes my brain feeling weird, fuzzy. Like I didn’t understand what…I didn’t know what that was. Him climbing on top of me like that and doing that to me while I was supposed to be doing it to him. What was that? I had never…he had been right it was new.

When I managed to get back upstairs and climb into the shower everyone was in bed. In their own beds. I felt gross and confused and scared and I climbed into the shower making the water as hot as I could. I tried to focus on anything else. On the fact that things would be easier for mum tomorrow hopefully. That things would be easier for John tonight maybe. That night I fell asleep in my own bed by myself too confused and ashamed to cry. Just closing my eyes and trying to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will finds out that his actions helped mum for him to come home and find John not home from school. Him walking in the door to mention that he went to the park. Will gets curious and asks John some questions after learning he has an upcoming tutoring session. He confronts Matt about making John uncomfortable and finds out some unsettling things about his relationship with Mike who he later talks to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 131 to 162. the average warnings here **Warnings: rape/non-con, talk of sexuailty, talk of the brotherhood, talk of mental health issues, mentioned of very underage sexual abuse, mentions of brother/brother incest. Corresponds with John's part 1 chapter 24.**

The next morning John woke up before I did knocking hard on my door, “How are you still sleeping? It’s like almost 6:30 we have to get ready. I made sure everyone was changed and I helped mum take a bath and feed everyone. Cat and James are ready Mike and Matt are getting ready. Why did you sleep so late? Your alarm has gone off like three times.”

“John?” I asked quietly something about my tone making him freeze as he put his hand on the door knob to leave.

“Yeah?” he turned to look at me.

I felt my face starting to glow. He sighed sitting down on the edge of my bed, “You can tell me. It’s ok.”

“Has Da ever…?” I swallowed trying again, “Has Da ever put his…”

“Calm,” John said grabbing my hand which I squeezed back nodding my head, “Just take your time ok?”

“Has Da ever climbed on top of you and make you suck his you know while he sucked yours?” I finally managed to get out.

His eyes went wide before he took a deep breath, “Yeah. Has he ever done that to you?”

“He did last night,” I admitted it.

“Ok,” John said squeezing my hand in his before he placed his other hand over the back of mine rubbing it gently, “Do you know what that’s called? Is that why you’re asking? Because you don’t know what that is?”

I felt the tears breaking the surface as I started crying. He had never done that before. He really hadn’t. I was 10 I didn’t know what that was called. When someone did that. I didn’t understand why someone would want to do that. I mean I understood most people thought that getting a blow job felt good but, I didn’t understand why they would do it to each other or try to.

“It’s called 69. It went two people use their mouths on each other at the same time. He’s never done that before?” he asked me.

I shook my head. I didn’t know what else to say. What I should admit to. Had he made John do that? He must of otherwise how would John know what it was called?

“I bet that was scary,” he said a deep frown across his face, “You’re ok though. I know you’re ok. I know it’s scary and that you’re unsure but, you’re here with me ok? Do you want me to talk to mum? Ask her if you can stay home?”

“No, I don’t want to be home. Karen might be coming,” I said.

“I thought she quit,” he said.

“Da’s asking her for a favor so he can take mum to the doctor,” I said him giving me a knowing look.

“You didn’t,” he said shaking his head, “Will you can’t do that type of stuff. You can’t. Once you get into doing that for favors he will never let you stop. You understand? First, it’s getting him to take mum to the doctor, then it’s to keep him from touching James which he’ll do anyway and then it’s to keep him from touching Cat and then it’s him passing you to people so that he doesn’t pass Mike out to them or someone else. Don’t start doing this. Ok? Next time you think he’s going to ask what you’re going to do for him you come to me ok? You don’t do that. Not ever.”

“Why not? You’re tired John you need a break,” I said, “Mum needs help. She’s going to get help now. He’s going to make sure the babies have formula so she can take pain meds and help her get better. He hurt her really bad John. For taking us away.”  
“I know he did,” he told me, “I’ve seen her and I know it’s bad. I just helped her take a bath because she so sore she can’t get into the tub by herself. Trust me, I know it’s bad. We’ll be ok though. You and me we’ll take care of it until she’s better but you don’t do that ok? Not with Da, not with anyone. That’s my job. I’m the older brother, you don’t do that.”

He sounded sad and worried, tired even but not angry with me. I thought he might be angry with me but he wasn’t. He seemed scared for me. Like he was worried about me. In that moment I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to tell him about Lionel, about what he had made me do.

About the things I was told he would make me do. I wanted to tell him how scared I was. That I knew it was my fault we didn’t get away because Lionel had probably been looking for me the moment Da and him realized I wasn’t where I was supposed to be. That this whole thing was probably all my fault because I was a whore. A whore that had caught the eye of the wrong guy somehow.

“Promise me you won’t do that again ok? It’s bad enough that he makes you feel like you can’t say no. Now he’s trying to make you feel like if you say no he’s going to punish someone that’s not you. So, don’t do that again. You don’t deserve to feel that way about yourself ok?” he told me almost crying.

I sighed nodding my head. He was wrong though. I did deserve to feel that way and I knew I did. I didn’t want to be around the house today though. I wanted to go to school try and find something normal to talk about that wouldn’t make me feel gross. Do something that could almost pass as normal. I got dressed quickly.

When I sat down in English Finn was there and he waved at me as I sat down.

“Hi,” I said.

“Are you doing better today?” he asked me.

“A little,” I said.

“I went horseback riding,” he told me suddenly.

“On your new horse?” I asked him.

“Yeah. It was actually kind of fun. After a while my dad got annoyed and rode ahead so I got to ride by myself. It was nice. Not having him around to bother me and shit. How did…,” his face fell as he sighed, “Sorry. Never mind. Huh, Well, did you do your homework for math?”

“Yeah, I did,” I said.

“Can I like borrow it?” he asked me.

“No,” I said laughing slightly.

“Quinn convinced me to start reading comic books for some reason. Again, I mean I used to read them when I was kid sometimes but for some reason right now I’m really into them. I really like batman,” he told me.

“I should read them probably. My two little brothers love them. They constantly fight over who makes a better Robin and what not,” I told him smiling at the thought of it, “It might be nice to read something with someone for once.”

“You could read harry Potter,” he told me.

“I have. I like it it’s just…I don’t know. I have trouble relating to it a little bit,” I told him.

“Why?” he asked me.

“I don’t know just like he has these two like super close friends and no family and everyone looks up to him. I don’t. I don’t see that happening. I mean I understand his feelings of isolation and what not but, it just I don’t see me ever not feeling isolated,” I told him.

“You have me,” he said.

“Yeah but…I mean,” I trailed off.

“What you don’t want me to be your friend?” he asked me frowning, “I thought we were kind of good friends.”

“No, I do. I just…it’s hard and sometimes. I feel like you just see me as a kid,” I said.

“No,” Finn shook his head, “You might be younger but, you’re not just a kid. You’re super smart Will otherwise I probably wouldn’t even know you because we wouldn’t be in the same grade. I think you’re awesome. A little tense maybe but I mean I hang out with Teddy and he’s a major spaz.”

I laughed lightly at that. That was true he did hang out with Ted a lot and Ted really was a spaz. Ted was only a spaz though in my personal opinion because his brain didn’t know how act around normal people. His mom and grandpas had him so screwed up he probably didn’t know his left from his right half the time. He had basically admitted that to me himself.

“He’s ok. He just needs to get used to people I think. Once you get used to him he’s not so bad. He’s kind of funny sometimes actually,” I told Finn.

“Really? I’ve never heard anyone call him funny in a good way before,” Finn said.

“That’s not very nice to say about someone you would consider a friend,” I said.

“I don’t say that about him,” Finn said, “Other people do. He doesn’t get to hang out with a lot of people outside…,” Finn waved his hands, “all of that. I think it messes with his brain sometimes and outsiders just don’t get it. Like Teddy makes a lot of off color jokes.”

“Off Color?” I asked him.

“Well, there’s this show Friends. I’ve watched it with him and sometimes it has like really adult jokes. Like this one Character Ross saw this pizza girl that he thought was cute and apparently, he was trying to flirt with her and had heard her mention she didn’t like her new haircut and that it reminded her of an 8-year-old boy and Ross said, “I like 8-year-old boys.”

“What? They put that on TV? Do they know how wrong that sounds?” I asked him.

“Well yeah,” he said, “That’s the point. Teddy makes jokes like that sometimes.”

“So, does Cole,” I said, “Sometimes it’s funny though. I mean it shouldn’t be but it is.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well I talked to Cole yesterday and he said something about how …,” I lowered my voice, “You know the leader he lives in the Villa. I don’t know why but I asked if that was true and Cole goes “yeah I mean we’d like to think he lives in a gingerbread shack in the woods behind it but he doesn’t eat children. At least not in that way.”

Finn smiled clamping his hand over his mouth nodding his head, “Yeah no, you’re right. That’s totally a Teddy thing too.”

“Right? Probably so depressed they just don’t know how else to deal with it so they joke about it,” I said.

“I’m not sure I could do that,” Finn said, “Joke about it like that I mean. I mean sometimes maybe but not usually. I do however find it depressing that there isn’t a lot to talk about with anyone outside of all of that.”

“Me too,” I agreed, “However I think it’s something we all talk about so often because it’s such a big part of our lives. I mean our weekends seem to revolve around it, our lives for the most part. If it’s not about going to the Villa it seems to be about who has a contract with whom, who is being watched by which tracker or recruit. Who is being picked on the most often. Who might be getting into trouble. All of that type of stuff.”

“Pretty soon it will be more like who has been matched, what matches have been dissolved. Who is going to what college and what are they majoring in because that translates to which department head at which school do they have to fuck and how far away from home are they actually getting so they can maybe be normal instead of having to blow a tier 2 tracker in the bathroom to get some coke so they can stay up after a very long night and actually past their test tomorrow,” Finn told me.

“Really?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said, “Wal doesn’t do coke but he crushes my Ritalin if I don’t keep an eye on it. Everyone is doing something. If they’re not snorting something they are shooting something, if they aren’t shooting something they are drinking something or popping something or some guys cut, some guys starve. Everyone deals differently. I haven’t talked to a single guy older than me who isn’t taking something or hasn’t at least tried it in the past. There’s this one teacher Father Gunther if you do stuff for him he’ll keep your marks high and slip you whatever you want. They moved him to ninth grade last year. I had him in 5th. Older boys used to come by his class all the time.”

“That’s gross they let him teach 5th graders?” I asked.

“Well, if you hadn’t of skipped wouldn’t you be 5th grade right now?” he asked me.

“I don’t know, would I?” I asked him.

“Well you’re how old again?” he asked me.

“I’ll be 11 in March,” I answered.

“Yeah, you’d be in the 5th grade. I turned 12 in October shortly after you got here. I wasn’t allowed to have a party this year though so don’t get upset about not being invited because literally no one was invited. It kind of sucked really. But yeah, you’d be in 5th grade if you hadn’t skipped,” he told me.

“How old is Teddy?” I asked him realizing I had no idea how old Teddy was even though we did share a class.

“Ted? He turned 11 right before school started,” he told me.

“Oh,” I said quietly.

I started thinking, doing the math in my head. That meant that Lionel had just stopped doing to Teddy whatever he had been doing. The beginning of August had been when my Da had told us we were moving and 2 weeks later we were here. It made me wonder Why. Why Lionel had suddenly hired him and just like that we were here. What had made that change happen.

“You ok?” Finn asked, “You just did that thing you do.”

“What thing?” I asked him.

“You go really still and like blank out for a minute or two sometimes,” Finn told me, “It’s actually really weird.”

“Sorry,” I said, “I was just thinking about something. It doesn’t matter what.”

“It’s ok. I’ve seen Teddy do it sometimes too just, it’s strange. Almost like you go somewhere else for second. Teddy’s eyes actually twitch when he does it. You just go still and stare at nothing. What are you thinking about when that happens?”

“Different things,” I said shrugging my shoulders. Sometimes I’m doing math sometimes it’s other stuff. Usually it’s questions I’m trying to answer myself. Sometimes it’s stupid stuff really.”

“Like what?” he asked me.

“Like…,” I sighed trying to find an example I cared to share, “If someone says an expression that I think I might know but I’m not sure about. I’ll stop and it’s almost like I’m digging through my head trying to find what it means or see if I can guess what it means just by hearing it.”

“Like the word hypergraphia or something?” he asked.

“I know what that means that’s easy. Like usually it’s slang terms. Like earlier my brother used the term 69. Don’t ask me why I don’t care to get into it. And I was trying to figure out why it’s call that. And then I realized it’s like head to tail. A 6 is just an upside down 9 and they are facing each other so…,” I trailed off feeling my cheeks flush a little bit.

“Right,” he said nodding his head, “You didn’t know what that was?”

I felt my face flushing an even deeper shade of red. That was a really bad example. Really bad. Why did he have to question me about it and then he smiled slightly, “It’s ok. Sometimes I forget you’re 10. When I was 10 I don’t think I knew what it was either.”

“Really?” I asked him feeling a little relieved.

“Yeah, like I knew what it was but I didn’t know it was called 69,” he told me, “What brought up that topic?”

“I don’t care to get into it,” I repeated.

“Ah,” Finn said nodding his head in understanding, “That happens to everyone. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Just so you know.”

“Finn? Please?” I asked him meaning I wanted him to drop the subject.

“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “Have you listened to any of that new rapper’s stuff?”

“I don’t listen to rap,” I told him honestly.

“You should. It can be pretty cool. Do you listen to any music?” he asked me.

“Not really,” I said, “Usually I have other things going on. Anytime I try to listen to anything someone is wet and crying so…music and TV aren’t high on the list of things I do.”

“Ah. Yeah, I think you’ve told me that before,” he responded, “Isn’t that hard though?”

“What?” I asked him.

“Taking care of so many little kids,” he said, “I mean I have my cousin Emily her and my Uncle live with us in the guest house and I’ve helped take care of her for as long as I can remember but, I’m not expected to like spoon feed her or anything.”

“How old is she?” I asked him.

“She’s six,” he told me.

“My brother James is six,” I said, “I have a sister that is four and then 2 siblings that are 2 one that is 1 and then 2 that are only a couple months old. I’m not expected to spoon feed them I mean the two of them can’t even eat solid food yet but I do cut their food for them and stuff. Mostly they eat with their hands still. It’s a work in progress but I’m not expected to stand there and feed them.”

“Don’t you have an older brother too?” Finn asked me.

“John?” I asked him frowning, “Yeah he’s just…it’s hard right now is all.”

“What’s he on?” Finn asked me knowingly.

“He drinks. He sleeps and then he wakes up and drinks some more until he’s asleep again,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

I didn’t care to get into John’s problems with Finn even if he was my friend. He didn’t know how bad Da could be, or Uncle Ben. Everyone claimed they did but, they didn’t have to live with them. Not like we did. They didn’t have to help their mother pull her shirt off so she could breast feed their younger siblings so they didn’t starve to death. Or let their Da fuck them so he would take their mum to the doctor because he had beaten her until she could barely move. Those were personal problems and I planned to keep them that way.

“That sounds hard. What about your mom?” he asked me.

“I don’t know? What about her?” I asked.

“Isn’t she around? Like she’s one of the only mum’s I’ve heard of that’s still around,” Finn said.

“She tries. She’s really good with my little siblings but there is only so much she can do to help me and John,” I confessed, “That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love us though.”

“Oh, I’m sure she does. If she didn’t she would be gone already. I know you guys haven’t been around that long but by this point most moms have taken off. Even the women that were born into old families have taken off at this point. So, she has to love you. Otherwise she wouldn’t still be around. My mom left shortly after I was born Wal was 4. Emily, my cousin her mom wasn’t even around for 2 days after she was born before she just like disappeared.”

“You have an uncle too?” I asked him.

“Yeah and yeah he lives in our guest house. He’s not like your uncle. Not really. He’s more into other things. And he’s kind of weird honestly,” Finn told me.

“Weird how?” I asked him.

“Well,” he sighed, “he’s a scientist. He spends a lot of time doing experiments with genetic coding and stuff. Like he turned the basement of the guest house into a lab and we’re not allowed down there. Apparently, he gets his materials from well… I’m sure you can guess where he gets it from. He’s trying to bring back this idea of a science that has been like debunked or something. But it has to do with creating the perfect human. Like the smartest, most attractive human possible and he runs stats and stuff through his computer almost all day long every day,” Finn told me.

“You mean like Nazi stuff?” I asked him quietly.

“Nazi stuff?” he asked me frowning.

“The Nazi’s, the people who caused world war 2. They believed in creating a perfect genetically modified human. That there was a way to create a master race of people with blue eyes and blond hair that were physically fit with good immune systems and perfectly organized and functioning brains. That this master race would be smarter, faster, stronger and better looking than other people that could be born naturally. They had a breeding program to make sure that these kids were born. Like that?” I asked him.

“Yeah, that sounds about right,” Finn said.

I thought about it for a minute. Finn’s last name was Huber. Huber was a German name. A German surname. I looked at him and he smiled as I blinked.

“You just did it again,” he said.

“My weird freeze thing?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head.

“I was thinking your last name is Huber. How old is your Dad?” I asked him.

“40,” Finn said shrugging his shoulders.

“Is your dad first generation American?” I asked him.

“No,” Finn said, “My dad was born in Germany.”

“Really?” I asked shocked.

“Ja,” he said, “My uncle was born here though and he’s only two years younger.”

“Was your grandpa…?” I trailed off.

“If he was they haven’t told me. And I don’t think they ever would. I mean is that something you would broadcast “yo my dad worked for Hitler?” I mean seriously?” Finn asked me.

“I see your point,” I said, “But if he was…?”

“I see what you are saying. It would make sense. I mean my grandpa had them kind of late in life though. I know the neighbors didn’t like my grandpa growing up and that my Dad claims he didn’t have any friends hardly but that doesn’t mean anything. I mean my dad’s a freak,” Finn said.

“How old was your grandpa when your Dad was born?” I asked him.

“I don’t know like his 40’s. They had an older brother but he died during the war or after the war. However, they were living in Germany at the time the war happened so if my grandpa did fight in the war I can only assume it was for the wrong side,” he said.

“We’re his pool of material, aren’t we?” I asked, “Your Uncles I mean.”

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head, “I mean he doesn’t do anything crazy it’s mostly running numbers and stuff through machines and what not but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t think about it. I once heard him talking about blending something and how it wasn’t a viable option on the phone. To me that sounds…”

“Inky,” I said nodding my head, “So you think they’re experimenting on us?”

“I think they’re playing with our codes. Our genetic codes. The leader talks to him all the time and they discuss viable matches. Whatever that means,” he said.

Matches? Like as in people who were getting married. They were using genetic testing to match people so that they would produce children. Ideal children. Yeah, that was some Nazi shit right there. Maybe they weren’t cutting twins open and sowing them together but that was still some pretty diabolical stuff in my opinion.

For some reason I only recall bits and pieces of school. Probably because it was mostly uneventful at that point. My only friends being Teddy and Finn while I considered Quinn, Julian and Todd more acquaintances. I didn’t really talk to anyone at lunch choosing instead to read that way I didn’t have to think about things.

When I got home, John wasn’t there. I was surprised. I wanted to tell him what I had learned but, I wasn’t sure I was supposed to. I checked on the babies before going out in order to make hamburger for dinner only to find that we had no meat upstairs. I sighed making sure everyone was ok and that mum was resting before I headed downstairs to that fridge to see if we have any hamburger down there.

When I got to fridge and opened it I heard the basement door open grabbing the hamburger and turning around just in time to see Uncle Ben appear. He smiled at me. Did he have John down there? Is that where he was?

“Uncle Ben,” I said quietly.

“What’s going on?” he asked me taking a few steps towards me.

“Is John downstairs?” I asked him.

My heart was racing. He was looking at me like that. But, I thought he wasn’t allowed to touch me. I convinced myself that he wasn’t allowed to touch me. Looking at him.

He smiled, “Why don’t you check?”

Was that a trick? But he wasn’t allowed to touch me. I was Lionel’s. I knew he wasn’t allowed to touch me. I sighed deciding I couldn’t leave John down there alone. That I couldn’t let John stay down there walking past him down the stairs to the second door with the beds opening the door.

Only to find it empty. John wasn’t here. No one was here. It was actually really clean. Spotless not even a bottle of lube out in the open, a vacuum cleaner in the corner. So, he had been down here cleaning. That’s all he had been doing down here. No, John. No one else.

I heard the lock click shut behind me as he closed the door causing me to turn around, “But, you’re not supposed to.” I blurted out before I could stop myself.

“Well, I can’t hurt you,” he told me, “I’m not allowed to touch you while he’s here but, he’s not here anymore.”

I felt my stomach drop. What? So, because Lionel was in New York it was ok for him to touch me? But Da had touched me last night. I didn’t want to do it again. Not with anyone else.

“Oh,” I said quietly.

“I’ve miss you so much baby,” he said pulling his shirt off and letting his pants drop.

I wanted to scream. But he wasn’t allowed to. He wasn’t. He wasn’t allowed to.

He walked towards me pulling me into his arms before I could protest forcing his tongue into my mouth. He wasn’t allowed to. He wasn’t. He wasn’t allowed to.

I started pushing as his chest, trying to push him off me, away from me. He wasn’t allowed to. I was tired and used and I had kids I had to take care of. This wasn’t ok. He broke the kiss trying to pick me up at the back of knees making them buckle.

“God, I’ve missed you,” he said his hand going to undo my tie.

“Please stop,” I barely managed to whimper as I closed my eyes his hands starting on my oxford.

“Why? I just want to make you feel good,” he said, “Don’t you want to feel good?”

“No,” I said shaking my head as I wiggled trying to get out from underneath him finding that he only allowed more of his body weight to press me down into the bed once he got the neck of my shirt open biting into my skin there only lightly. Lightly like…  
I froze. Trying to blank out. Telling myself that it didn’t matter. That I was a whore anyway. That it didn’t matter who used me anymore. That if Lionel and Da said it was ok, it was ok. I closed my eyes trying to focus on my breathing and ignore everything else that was going on. It working until he started licking at my belly button causing me gasp in surprise.

“There you are,” he told me, “I thought you had died maybe.”

“I wish,” I remember thinking that him gently lifting my knees and pushing them into my chest.

“Can I make love to you?” he asked me.

Da had said that. The night before. Said he wanted to make love to me. I didn’t have an answer that he wanted to hear. I didn’t even understand the difference. Didn’t feel like there was one. Maybe there was but I didn’t understand what it was.

He didn’t wait for me to answer pulling the rest of my clothes off and then him rubbing lube all over his hands before he poured some on my directly onto my hole making me flinch. It was cold. The lube was very cold.

“Why don’t you roll over? I’ll give you a back rub?” he told me, “We can go nice and slow ok?”

“I don’t want to,” I said shaking my head.

“You think that was me asking?” he said his face going cold, “I might not be able to hurt you but I can restrain you without hurting you. So, if I were you I’d think very carefully about what you say next.”

I sighed rolling over onto my stomach. He didn’t waste any time his hands going to my shoulders before his mouth did kissing down my back as he rubbed my shoulders and down my sides. At least I didn’t have to look at him. His tongue quickly sliding down my back to my tail bone. I didn’t want him doing that. Not that. Anything but that. Anything but there.

“Relax you’re clenching,” he muttered before he pulled my butt cheeks apart. His finger circling before he started trying to force it in, “You want me to just shove myself in there or do you want me to warm you up first?”

He was right. He kept saying he couldn’t hurt me but I didn’t see him backing down. It wasn’t worth trying to stop anyway and I knew it. I took a deep breath relaxing my body to the best of my ability as he slid his finger in him groaning happily almost like it was a different part of his body.

“You feel so amazing in there even to my fingers,” he told me making my face turn red.

I didn’t want to hear about how I felt “in there” I didn’t want him touching me. I didn’t want anyone touching me. I had other things I had to do. Things that weren’t this. That weren’t him on top of me or Da, or Lionel. I had to go help mum take care of everyone. Him pressing another finger into me working to open me up, to make it so he could penetrate me. I just wanted him to get it done and over with. I wanted it to stop. I just wanted him to do what it was he wanted to do so I could get on with my life.  
It was easier. Easier because I wasn’t staring at him. Him just using his fingers until I was open before he put on a condom climbing on my back. He didn’t even let me bend my knees just spreading my legs and plunging into me. He moaned and grunted being fast about it for once in his life. Not licking my body all over and not kissing me while he told me how good I felt. How much he wanted me or loved me. When he was done he climbed off, doing up his pants and throwing mine at me.

“Get dressed,” he said rather abrasively. 

For a minute I almost wondered what I had done wrong. What had changed before I realized what it probably was. That even though he had permission to sleep with me he probably had been told he couldn’t do certain things, other things that he wanted to do. That this was his way of getting most of what he wanted even if he couldn’t have all of it. I wasn’t going to stand there and debate it with him me pulling my pants on and unlocking the door myself running up the stairs and grabbing the frozen hunk of hamburger I had left on the counter before I realized how badly I wanted a shower.

I decided to shower in the pool bathroom. Knowing no one would bother me if I showered there. That I could be quick about it. Me showering and going upstairs putting some real clothes on before I sat down helping with homework and making food mum coming out and sitting with Mike and Matt helping them and Cat and James with their homework as I cooked because standing for any length of time caused her to become winded. It was good to have her up and moving through. She told me later that night that Da had taken her to see the doctor and gotten her some pain medication. That it was helping and she had been ordered to continue to take it easy but that the pain meds had made it easier to move even if the babies had to be on formula for a while because she was taking them.

As I finished up dinner the lift clicked on John finally appearing around nearly 5pm. Mum muttering that he was just in time and asking where he had been as she spooned food into Mac’s mouth.

“I was at the park,” he answered sitting down at a plate of food that I set on the table before I sat down next to him eating my own.

“With whom and doing what?” She asked John.

“Pat and Cole,” he said taking a bite of food and a sip of drink, “and some girls.”

I wasn’t straight but was pretty sure John mostly was even though he had that thing going with Pat so I smiled. Happy that he had done something hopefully normal with “some girls” since he didn’t get to hang out with any girls besides our four-year-old sister which was not nearly as exciting as hanging with 13-year-old girls for him I’m sure. So, I was sure he had enjoyed his time even if nothing sexual had happened. Mum cleared her throat.

“You didn’t have permission. You also have homework you have to do, don’t you?” Mum asked him.

“Father Finick made me stay after school for a couple of minutes,” John sighed setting is fork down, “I missed the bus and the park was kind of an in-between stop between here and home some we decided to hang out. It wasn’t a big deal. We just sat on the swings and talked. I met these girls. They were twins named Celia and Delia and they go to St. Bernie’s. One of them seemed to like me.”

“Girls?” Mum said her mood becoming less serious and more relaxed, “Girls are good. Homework after dinner though, all right?”

So, mum thought the same thing about girls that I did but only because she had caught Pat and John kissing. She probably figured girls would send him in the other direction because she was a very strong Catholic. In her mind you didn’t do certain things like kissing with your shirt off with someone of the same gender. Which was slightly delusional considering but, if it helped her cope. Even though I knew that meant she secretly hated me and just didn’t know it yet even though everyone else seemed to know it.

We sat there all eating in silence for a minute or two because mum spoke again, “So, what did Father Finick want?”

“I don’t know,” John said shrugging his shoulders taking an intense interest in his green beans, “I mean there wasn’t a lot going on today. It was something about the upcoming lab.”

“Another one of your teachers called and talked to your Da,” Mum said before she reached over taking a bite of her food because turning back to Mac, “Who is mummy’s good hungry boy huh?”

“You’re not going to make him go talk to Da are you mum?” I asked.

I didn’t think she would considering everything that happened between John and Da and mum being injured but, you never knew. I didn’t want John to have to deal with Da. It was bad enough I had to deal with Da and then Uncle Ben. John didn’t need to deal with Da too. Not with everything that had been going on since we got home.

“No love, you guys are staying away from Da for a bit, ok? Don’t worry about it,” she smiled at me nodding her head in understanding.

Understanding that I was worried about it, that I didn’t want John to get hurt. That I didn’t want anyone getting hurt. We all knew Da was still mad at us for leaving. That beating up mum hadn’t been enough to help his anger abate. That he blamed John and me slightly as well because we were the oldest and we were supposed to be his. He didn’t think of us as belonging to mum but, to him. We were supposed to be on his side and do what he told us to. We weren’t ever supposed to side with mum or want to be with mum more. The fact that we had gone with her without questioning her or fighting her on it once we realized what was going on probably was still making his blood boil.

“Which teacher?” John asked picking up his fork, his nervous tick kicking in where he touched his tongue to his back molar.

He knew something. I could tell he knew something and he just wasn’t saying it. Wanting to know what mum knew about the whole thing. Wanting to see if there was anything she knew. Whatever teacher this was, they were one of the bad ones. Probably brotherhood.

Since the brotherhood ran the school pretty much it was a given that some of them were aware of the brotherhood and either a part of it or worked with them to keep things the way they were. To make sure the right students, brotherhood bottoms passed. Sometimes with benefit to themselves. Giving different bottoms favors in returns for their…attention. The idea making my stomach churn. It seemed to be only teachers that worked with older students even though listening to James mention his teacher on the playground that one time had made me nervous.

Knowing that he was teaching year one school. To me that was scary. Asking students to sit in your lap during story time. Especially some students that you knew were being abused if not at home by other teachers possibly. Only someone that was in the brotherhood would do that without thought, would probably be encouraged to do that. I didn’t like thinking about it sighing heavily and shaking my head, trying to shake the thought away. Telling myself that after I talked with Matty about how he had treated John yesterday I needed to talk to James and see how he was doing. See if that teacher was still asking him about that.

“Father Barren I think it was,” Mum said, “Your Da said he’s offering you extra help with school work on Monday evenings. That he’ll drive you home after school. I didn’t realize you were so far behind.”

I wanted to point out that while she was still overseas heavily pregnant we had been here and Da had stopped John from going to school for those three months she wasn’t here with us. I wasn’t sure how much of that she knew though. And it wasn’t my place to say anything. That was John’s business what he told her, not mine. I would be a hypocrite to tell her that about John and not tell her what was going on with me. Even if I was sure her knowing John hadn’t been in school those three months wouldn’t get her killed. I was sure that was the case but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t confront Da about it. That didn’t mean Da wouldn’t beat her again for it and she was still hurting, still had a long way to go to heal before she was completely better.

“Are you ok John?” Catty asked breaking the silence that was there as I watched Mum and John look at each other from across the table.

He nodded his head taking another sip of water and making a face at like. Almost like he was hoping it was something stronger or forgetting that it wasn’t. That it was just water and not something else that would help him forget, “Yeah, I’m ok.” He answered before turning and looking back at mum.

“I’m not that far behind anymore. I’m mostly caught up. It’s just little things here and there but, I’m not doing too badly anymore,” he told mum.

“Are you sure you’re ok?” James asked John wrinkling his nose at him.

“Yeah bud, I’m fine. Why?” John asked him.

“I don’t know you seem different,” James said before shoving a huge forkful of noodles into his mouth.

“Different how?” he asked, his expression and mix between a frown and a smile.

“It’s your eyes,” Mike answered.

I looked at John examing, looking for what they were talking about. His eyes were a little shiny and seemed like they were a little scared, like he was going to cry. Like he was trying to hold it back. Like he wanted to cry but not cry in front of them. So, Father Barren was bad news. It was what I thought it was and he was trying to hide it.

“His eyes,” Mum asked looking at the two of them.

“His eyes got really big like he was scared,” Matt answered without looking up from his plate.

Sometimes Matt made me wonder. If he just knew things or if he actually looked just, not when I was looking at him. If maybe in his own way he did care. That maybe he just wasn’t good at showing that he cared. That he could be normal. But, every time he appeared normal to me it almost felt like he was faking it. Like that wasn’t really who he was. That he wasn’t Bruce, but Batman. Mike still telling him every once in a while, when they played video games to “be Bruce” or calling him Bruce as if to remind him to be calm and charming. To be polite and act normal.

John shrugged his shoulders looking into his hamburger helper, “I’m fine.” He said simply before he got up taking his plate with him, “I’m going to do my homework now.”

He didn’t say anything else getting up from the table quickly. He looked hurt still. Like he had been reminded of things he didn’t want to think about, be aware of. I didn’t want him to drink. I didn’t want him to go to sleep when he got to his room or drink himself to sleep anyway. I needed his help and mum, mum needed his help.

“Can I come with?” I asked him standing up from the table deciding that maybe if I was there he wouldn’t drink. That he would actually do whatever homework he needed to and that if he wanted to talk about anything or not talk about anything I could be there for him. That maybe he could be there for me too him looking at me questioningly as I cleared my throat trying to make up and excuse for asking, “I need some help with Math.”

I didn’t need help with Math. It was one of my best subjects and I rarely needed help with it. Pat had proven to be better at Math then John was anyway so if I really needed help I probably would have asked John when Pat was going to come over and then waited to ask him. I think he knew that I didn’t really need the help but he smiled lightly at me.

“Yeah, sure.” He answered as we both got up and rinsed our plates before heading down the hall.

I grabbed a couple of my school books. I did have some light reading I had to finish up but, otherwise I didn’t really have that much to do. I pulled out a sheet of math problems that wasn’t due for another two days figuring that maybe since I needed help with my math homework I should actually attempt to make it look like I needed help going into his room and sitting on the floor next to his bed. Him leaning over and helping me with a couple different problems. When the worksheet was finished I put it away John holding up a small book that was black and yellow. A cliff notes book before he started reading it as I started reading from my own history book. Waiting a couple of minutes before I gathered the courage to ask him, to see if my assumption was right.

“I heard Barren is in the brotherhood,” I asked him turning the page of my history book.

“Yep,” John said without looking up from the page he was on, looking at me out of the corner of his eye as I did the same to him.

I thought about it. So that meant homework help wasn’t really homework help. It was an excuse. An excuse to get John alone so he could hurt him. The idea making me so mad I had to flex my hands to keep them from shaking.

“So that means…,” I started to ask and he cut me off looking up from what he was doing.

“Yes. That’s what that means. I don’t want to talk about it,” he said briskly.

So, that was it for sure. He didn’t want to think about it. That’s why he had left so quickly.

“Does mum know that’s what’s going on though?” I asked him, thinking about what Pat had said that him and John and mum had talked, that John had told her some things, “I mean, I thought you told her.”

“Will please, just don’t ok?” He said shutting his book, “I don’t want to talk about it. Mum knows there are some teachers involved but she doesn’t know which ones and what exactly is she supposed to do about it?”

So just thinking about it was making him angry. And he did have a point. There wasn’t anything she could really do even if he did say that Barren was a part of those teachers. That group of teachers that were bad. He was right the only thing it would do was make her confront Da about it. Which would like I said before probably end up getting her beat up again.

“Sorry,” I said quietly, “How are things going otherwise?” I asked him hoping that he would be in a better mood if I changed the subject.

“Fine,” he answered me coldly.

Just fine? Was fine good or bad? I thought about Pat, what Pat had told me that they had realized they had feelings for each other. That they seemed to agree they really liked each other.

“What about with Pat?” I asked wondering what his answer would be. If things were “fine” there was well.

“Hey!” he said his tone more shocked than angry, “I’m not talking about that either, all right?”

“Why not?” I asked him, “It’s kind of awesome that you might have someone. I mean isn’t that like supposed to be normal at your age?”

He was 13. 13 was when people started thinking about romantic feelings. Started dating people. I mean sure, Pat was a guy but so what? I wanted to hold Cole’s hand and maybe kiss him. Maybe one day I would want to date him or do other things that …I felt my face flushing just thinking about it. Thinking about maybe wanting to do those things with someone.

“I guess,” John answered, “I mean I haven’t really thought about it. It’s going well though I guess. Why?”

Because I wanted to know. Because maybe if it was ok for him like that. That it didn’t make him feel weird or hate himself or blush every time the idea of even wanting to touch someone like that crossed his mind it would mean I would be ok. That I would be normal in that aspect. That Da and Uncle Ben and other people wouldn’t ruin it for me forever.

“Because if there’s hope for you there’s hope for me,” I told him, “I mean none of us are exactly normal.”

“We’re as normal as we’re allowed to be,” he told me before sighing and grabbing his math book, opening it up.

“What does that mean?” I asked.

His answer had confused me. I thought I knew what he meant. That he didn’t feel normal because of them. Because we knew that wasn’t normal. Anyone that knew about it knew it wasn’t normal. Did that mean he thought we would never be normal?  
“We’re not allowed to be normal because of them and you know it,” he said looking up at me, “I know, anyone who is in the brotherhood knows it. That’s our lives. That’s the way it is,” he said closing his math book and going back to his cliff notes.

I figured I was probably distracting him. Hopefully making him think of Patrick and not other things. I wanted to believe that mum could do something about it. I wanted to hope that maybe mum would try and get us out again. Get us somewhere we could be normal. That we could find a place where it wouldn’t be so hard, where we didn’t have to worry about Da or any of that. Where we only had to worry about getting over the things he had made us do instead of worrying about when it was going to happen again. Waiting for it to happen again like waiting for a hurricane to reach shore.

“You should tell mum about Barren,” I told him.

“Why!?” he snapped, “What’s she going to do Will?”

“Make sure it doesn’t happen,” I said shrugging my shoulders looking back at my history book knowing at this point it was worthless. Not worth it to hope he would tell her, that she might be able to do something. 

“Yeah, then I fail my math class,” he told me his face falling as he sat there staring straight ahead of him.

Would that guy really fail him for not sleeping with him? Would a teacher really do that to him? He was 13. He was being raped all the time, he was an alcoholic and now he had to worry about not putting out so that he wasn’t held back a grade. That wasn’t fair. That wasn’t fair at all. There was already too much going on for him to handle. I don’t know why that upset me so much to think that Da would let someone be that cruel to him but, it did.

John did everything for us. Everything. He tried so hard to make sure Da didn’t hurt us. He put his life on the line all the time for us, his mental health. He wanted to kill himself because it was so tiring taking care of us, taking on that stuff so we didn’t have to. What Da was asking of him was downright torture. It wasn’t fair. Why would Da let someone do that to him? Cause him even more anxiety and worry.

“Really?” I asked him barely above a whisper.

He cleared his throat, “Yeah really. At least I have four days though, right? To, I don’t know, whatever. . . hopefully people will leave me alone for a bit. Da said he’d give me a break and he has for the most part. Maybe I’ll get lucky and everyone else will me alone for a while too.”

Da was giving him time? For once in his life Da was promising to give him a break and yet…I didn’t get one? I had to see Lionel and deal with Da and Ben. Uncle Ben who I knew was beyond pissed at me. Who didn’t even really care about me anymore but to who I had become just some hole to fuck. Who it would be better if Lionel didn’t care about me at all as far as both of us were concerned because at least Uncle Ben usually smacked me around a little bit. Reminded me that it wasn’t something that I wanted. That it wasn’t something I was doing because I wanted it and not just because I was being told I had to.

“I wish Uncle Ben would leave me alone,” I said quietly just picking a name because I didn’t want John to know how many people I’d been with. Everyone already thought I was a whore. He would know I was major whore if he knew it was three people and not just the one.

“For real?” he asked his head snapping up a look of horror on his face and anger.

“Since we got home,” I answered.

It had been just about every night since we got back. We had only been back for five days and three of those days I had spent under someone for at least an hour. Someone telling me I felt good, that I tasted good. That I …that I wanted it. Thinking about it made me want to cry.

“Is it bad?” he asked me barely a whisper.

I felt like he was trying to comfort me. That even though he didn’t want to know he knew me talking about it might help so he was letting me. That he was going to listen because it was the only thing he could do for me.

“He makes me feel like I can’t breathe,” I answered honestly.

They did. They made me feel like I couldn’t breathe. Like hearing what they had to say about me and what they thought about me was all true. Like that’s all I’d ever be. Was someone who wanted it but couldn’t admit it to themselves. Like there was something about me that made me that way. That made them want me. That they would always just want me and there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing I could do to stop them from doing those things to me.

“Ok,” John said.

I could see it in his face. He was thinking about what he could do to make it stop. To make them stop. The truth was there wasn’t anything because it wasn’t just Ben. It would never just be Ben again. So even if he managed to get Uncle Ben to leave me alone there would always be Lionel, or Da or someone else. That there was no possible way for him to get them all to stop. That he would probably wear himself down and drink even more trying to protect me and it would all be for nothing.

“John, you can’t. You know you can’t.” I told him.

“Can’t what?” he asked me, “Be your big brother? God damn it how are we going to keep going?”

“I don’t know sometimes,” I admitted to him, “What time is it?”

“Almost time to get everyone packed off to bed,” John said looking at his clock before he got up.

I looked double checking. He was right it was 7:00 and Mac Laura and Andy should already be in bed. I looked at my books spread out in front of me on the floor starting to get up myself, “Ok, I’m going to put my homework away. Will you start them off?”  
I asked because while he helped with bedtime some nights it wasn’t every night because most of the time by 7pm he was too drunk to move. He was getting better about it though and mum and I did really need his help because she wasn’t supposed to really be lifting anyone at all. Not until her ribs were better and she was less winded while moving around. Him nodding his head as he stood up walking around my books that I was picking up and working on taking towards my room.

“Ok, CATTY, JAMES IT’S TIME FOR BED GUYS!” he crowed as he left the bedroom me hurrying to my own and setting my books on my desk.

He told them to get ready for bed and I went out into the living room, telling Mike and Matt that it was just about time for bed as well their bedtime being about an hour away both of them giving me this “do we really have to” look.

“Hey, Matt. Can I talk to you for a minute alone?” I asked him.

I figured now was as good of a time as any to talk to him about why he had made John uncomfortable. Why he shouldn’t ask those things. Ask John if he liked it, if he liked what Da made him do.

“Ok, whatever,” he snorted handing the controller over to Mike as Mike gave him a look and he nodded his head at him. Making me frown and confusion but heading down the hall towards Matt’s room.

When we entered the room, I shut the door behind us. I didn’t want to have to explain to anyone what was going on. That he was being weird. That he had upset John enough John didn’t want to talk to him for a while.

“What did I do now?” he asked me as I sat down in his desk chair.

“You know what you did,” I said sighing running a hand through my hair.

“Asked John if he likes getting it?” he questioned raising an eyebrow at me.

“Getting it? Really? Is that how you talk now?” I asked him.

“I could say likes getting his dick sucked if it makes you feel better,” Matt said.

My mouth was probably hanging wide open. This was my 8-year-old brother. He had no right to talk like that and it sounded vulgar looking at his sweet 8-year-old face while he said it. The whole picture just not fitting in my head.

“So that’s not better than?” he asked me smiling.

“No, you don’t ask people that. Just don’t do it,” I said.

“Why not?” he asked me shrugging his shoulders, “I know I like it. I was just curious if he did.”

I felt my face turning red. Did he just tell me he…? Eww. I mean I knew Da did that. He probably did it to everyone to be honest but I didn’t need to hear about it. I didn’t need to know that Matt enjoyed it.

Matt giggled, “Your face. You would think it wouldn’t be a problem for you to talk about it considering you’re such a…”

“STOP!” I hissed causing him to go silent even though the smile didn’t leave his face.

“When someone is doing it and you don’t want them to. It doesn’t feel good at all ok? It feels horrible. So, knock it off. Just because it doesn’t bother you doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother everyone else. It really bothers most people in that situation,” I said trying to calm down.

“If you just relax it doesn’t have to bother you,” Matt said his face dead serious, “I like doing it too. It tastes kind of nice sometimes. All of it.”

“That’s only because you think it means you’re special,” I told him trying to be nice, calm but honest, “It doesn’t. They do it to everyone. Uncle Ben…”

“SHUT UP!” he yelled at me loudly, “I don’t want to talk about him. Do you know what he did? What he did to Mike?”

“I have a slight idea,” I answered.

“I don’t think you do,” Matt told me.

“You can tell me if you want,” I said.

“He let Mike …,” he smiled like he was enjoying the thought and the cleared his throat, “Never mind that part. He did that with his mouth to his butt. It was so gross.”

So that was something new for him. I remembered it being new for me. It wasn’t even Uncle Ben or Da who did that to me the first time but the headmaster. The headmaster I had yet to tell anyone about and wasn’t about to tell Matt.

“Was Mike ok?” I asked him.

“No, he kept pulling his hair until he was screaming at him to stop. Mike, I mean, was yelling at Uncle Ben to stop and then he tied his arms to the headboard downstairs. Then he …” Matt smiled again, “Never mind.”

“Will you please quit saying that with that look on your face,” I asked him.

He shrugged his shoulders shaking his head, “Sorry. I didn’t mind those parts though.”

There was something wrong with my brother. Something seriously wrong with my brother my brain filling in some of the blanks there pretty well considering I had walked in on them kissing. And not just a peck on the cheek but Matt violently grabbing Mike’s head and twisting it around to meet him before shoving his tongue in Mike’s mouth.

“That’s gross,” I said.

“He’s my brother,” Matt said as if I wasn’t related to the two of them.

“He’s my brother too and I don’t do those things to him,” I scoffed.

“So, he’s not your twin,” he said to me.

“No but even if he was I still wouldn’t do those things. Especially because I knew he didn’t want to,” I said.

“That’s what you think,” Matt said.

“MATTHEW!” I hissed, “Do I have to tell mum? Does she need to separate you from them? From all of them? Because what’s to keep you from doing that to someone else.”

“Someone else isn’t my twin,” he told me.

“Just because you’re his twin doesn’t give you the right to help uncle Ben do that to him. You know he doesn’t like it. You can see it written all over his face I bet. So why on earth would you help Uncle Ben do that to him?” I asked.

“Uncle Ben wouldn’t be doing it to him at all if someone wasn’t so easy,” he spat back.

He must have seen my face fall because he smiled at me, “Yeah that’s right. It’s your fault. If Uncle Ben was allowed to do things to you still you think he’d be bothering Mike? You think he would have taken us downstairs if you didn’t have someone else that wanted to teach you things? My friend Tommy says that’s what sluts do. They flirt with boys and the let them do whatever they want. Flashing them smiles all the time and then pretending they don’t want to kiss and stuff when they do. You’re a slut Will and it’s because you’re a slut that Mike has to deal with Uncle Ben.”

“He’s allowed to do things to me still,” I snapped.

Hating that I had to admit that to someone else. To him just to get him to shut up. Just to get him to stop calling me names. Why did he think I wanted that? I was terrified of that. I hated that. I knew he was right though. That it was my fault. That if I had never gone to that stupid party, that if I had never met him he would have never…and then he wouldn’t be telling Uncle Ben he couldn’t hurt me. That he wasn’t allowed to hurt me. Because if Uncle Ben could hurt me then he wouldn’t have just fucked me and left me there. He would have spanked me and called me names like he normally did. He would have done all of it and then let them alone.

“He is?” Matt asked me.

“He did when I got home from school,” I told him, “You think he’s doing it to him because he can’t do it to me? You’re wrong he’s doing it because he wants to. It has nothing to do with me.”

“Yes, it does,” he told me, “He was nicer before. Now he’s so mean Will. You don’t know what he does. He sticks things in him until he cries. Sometimes he ties him up and puts this thing against his parts until he’s screaming Will. He didn’t used to be that mean. Not when he didn’t touch him. Not when it was just me and him.”

“You and uncle Ben?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” Matt said, “Now it’s always the three of us and he’s mean to him. He’s really mean to him Will.”

Matt looked like he was about to start crying. So, he treated us differently? He didn’t torture Matt with toys, or other stuff. Not like he did me. He didn’t spank him until he was black and blue. What did that mean?

“You know he wouldn’t do it if he still had you,” he told me.

“How long as he been doing stuff with you?” I asked Matt.

“Who?” he asked me confused.

“Uncle Ben, who else?” I asked him.

“I don’t know. Da’s here too,” he told me shrugging his shoulders.

“Just uncle Ben,” I said.

“I don’t know. I remember …I was little. I think,” he muttered.

“What’s the first thing you remember him ever doing?” I asked him.

“Kissing my belly,” Matt said shrugging his shoulders his eyes getting this distant look in them, “Tickling me and then kissing lower until…”

He trailed off. I didn’t need him to finish. I knew what he was talking about. Uncle Ben hadn’t touched me until we moved back home but, it must have been when we were living here if he was only little. He had been 4 when we had left here. That was how old I had been when Da started touching me. John had been that old when Uncle Ben had started touching him and probably Da too. So, it only made sense.

“But he didn’t touch Mike?” I asked him.

“No, he did at first but …Mike always cried,” he told me, “I don’t remember it ever being scary. Just feeling weird at first until I decided it didn’t have to be weird. That it kind of feels nice.”

“How can you just decide that you …?” I trailed off.

“I don’t know. I try not to think about who it is I guess. For the most part. I like to pretend it’s Mike sometimes. I love Mike.”

I wasn’t sure what to say to that. I mean I loved Mike too and I knew he loved me but I didn’t take that as a free invitation to force myself on him. Not that I would want to because it was gross and Da’s excuse for doing that to me. So, I would never do that to anyone I cared about and I even at 10 I already knew it.

“Matt can I ask you a question?” I asked him.

“That was a question,” he pointed out.

“Do you think Da makes us do those things with him because he loves us?” I asked him.

“That’s what he says. Is he lying?” Matt asked me.

His facial expression looked like it should. Like the facial expression of an 8-year-old who was questioning everything they thought they knew. Like an 8-year-old who was hurt and confused.

“I think that Da is confused about what love is,” I said quietly, “Da’s Da, our grandpa he used to do that to him and Uncle Ben. And I think that made Da confused and made him think it was ok to…to do that to us too.”

“But he does it with me a lot and he says it’s because he loves me so much,” he told me.

What was I supposed to say to that? No, that it was because he didn’t fight him, because he probably welcomed the attention. I wasn’t going to tell him that. That was no better than him calling me a whore. Matt might have been confused and fucked up but, I refused to think of him as a whore.

“He says that to John too I’m pretty sure,” I told him.

“Does he say it to you?” he asked me.

“That he loves me?” I asked him.

“Yeah you know when he’s …apart of you and stuff?” he asked me.

That sounded like something Da would say. That he wanted to be a part of me, inside me. Matt meant when Da was penetrating me, did he tell me he loved me. Yeah, he did. He told me that all the time when he did that. I didn’t think it was true though. Especially not after he was done and he let me go telling me I wasn’t as good as John even though I was still nice. Even though I still felt good.

I nodded my head not able to speak over the lump in my throat. The very idea of him doing that to Matt hurting. That he had done it to Matt so many times it had messed with his head and probably made him so sick he would never be normal. That he would never be that kid again that… The four-year-old who would wake me up at the crack of dawn to go play outside and catch Lizards. The four-year-old who used to laugh when the count came on sesame street.

It made me realize maybe for the first time that that kid was gone. He was really gone and Da had taken him from us, Da and Uncle Ben had taken him from us and replaced him with this kid. This kid that terrified me that hurt others or at the very least wanted to. This kid that thought it was ok to force himself on people because he loved them.

“You can’t make Mike do that with you. You understand that don’t you?” I told him.

“I’m trying but then sometimes he’ll look at me and just…it feels weird,” he told me.

I was pretty sure I understood what he meant by that but didn’t want to think about it too much. That he was sexually attracted to him. If that was the case shouldn’t he just close his eyes and pretend it was Mike? I mean they were identical twins.

“Well, try asking him before you do that,” I said.

Since I couldn’t stop him from doing it. But I was pretty sure his method was similar to Da and Uncle Ben’s. They didn’t really ask you if they could do something most of the time they just did it. I mean sometimes they would ask you if you wanted to try something new but, that was always a trick question.

“Does that work?” he asked me.

“Well, traditionally it’s frowned upon to do that with your brother but, I’ve heard people like it,” I told him.

“I’ll think about it,” he told me.

“You’ve been sleeping in your own room, right?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he said, “By myself before you ask that too. Right now, you’re being annoying and your face is really red.”

“It’s a weird conversation for me,” I told him.

“Has Uncle Ben ever made you do anything with anyone?” he asked me.

“What? No. No,” I shook my head.

“It’s fun sometimes,” he said.

“Ok,” I said standing up, “Just ask next time before you touch him. Like at all. Like people like it when you ask before you…come into physical contact with their person. All the time. Every time.”

Matt frowned at me a bit of smile playing on his face, “God, you’re such a spaz.”

“Ok,” I said looking at the clock on his desk, “It’s almost 8 so go brush your teeth.”

“You’re going to make sure I sleep alone in here, aren’t you?” he asked me.

“You betcha,” I answered him nodding my head.

I made sure he was in bed without Mike before I walked into Mike’s room to make sure he had brushed his teeth, “Mike are you ready for bed?”

“Yeah? Why?” he asked me coming out of the bathroom and turning off the light.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” I asked him.

“About what?” he asked me.

“Matt said that he and you…,” I trailed off feeling my face flush again, “Is he still doing that?”

“Not really? I mean when Uncle Ben makes him and sometimes he’ll say things about it but no. Not since … he hurt me,” he told me.

“You promise?” I asked him.

“I promise,” he said quietly.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “Otherwise how are you doing?”

“I don’t know. Ok. I’m kind of mad,” he told me.

“Come here,” I said sitting down on his bottom bunk to which he shrugged his shoulders, “You want to cuddle for a second?”

“Yeah, ok,” he said as I moved the pillows around and sat on the bed properly.

“You sure, you don’t have to. I won’t ever make you ok?” I told him.

“I want to I just want mum. I’m mad at her but I want her. And she’s not really around lately.” He told me climbing onto the bed and snuggling up against me pulling my arm around his shoulders.

“Well, Da got really mad at mum and he hurt her really bad. So, she needs a lot of help right now and you and Matt and James have been a really huge help. Cleaning up after yourselves and what not so John and I can help mum with other things. Can you tell me why you’re mad at her?”

“Because she’s not here,” he told me, “Not really. And she took us away knowing that he would find us and hurt her. And that…he’d be mad.”

“She didn’t know that,” I tried to explain to him, “She wanted to take us away forever. She didn’t expect him to find us and bring us back. Not at all. Remember? She told us we were supposed to change our names and stuff?”

“Yeah,” he told me quietly.

“Why would she make us think about changing our names if we were just going to come back?” I asked him, “Why would she tells us we were going to have a new life in a better place a safe place if she wanted us to come back here? Does that make any sense?”

“No,” he said, “It doesn’t. It doesn’t make sense that she would take us and then bring us back here. So, you’re saying Da made us come back?”

“Yeah pal, he did,” I confirmed.

“Willy?” he asked me.

“Yeah?” I asked him.

“Uncle Ben did weird things,” he told me.

I didn’t want to tell him I knew. That Matt had told me. I rubbed his shoulder leaning my cheek against his head. I didn’t want to cry for him or show him that I was scared for him so I sighed heavily saying the only thing I could think of.

“I’m sorry Pal. Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t know,” he said quietly.

“Well, if you do you can tell me anything. I’ll listen ok?” I told him.

“He made Matty touch me. Put his mouth down there while he put this buzzing thing in me. It didn’t hurt but it felt really strange. I didn’t like it,” he told me.

Ben had used a toy on him. A vibrator. He was 8. He was just a little boy. You didn’t do that to little kids. You just didn’t. I was even more angry than I had been when he had done that to me. Shoved that thing inside of me and left me strapped to the bed screaming. He had no right to do that him. None.

“It’s ok that you didn’t like it,” I said nodding my pinching the bridge of my nose to stop myself from crying, “Has Da let anyone else touch you?”

“No, just him and Uncle Ben and Matty,” he confided in me.

Thank god it was only them. I didn’t think I could take it knowing if he had let someone else do it. If Da had let someone else touch him like that. It was bad enough that he did it to me and John. That he had done it James. He didn’t need to do it to everyone else too. He didn’t need to do anything to anyone else.

“Are you going to be ok tonight by yourself Pal?” I asked him.

“Yeah, I like sleeping in my room by myself. I sleep better than when Matty’s here,” he told me.

“I’m sure you do,” I told him kissing his forehead, “I love you.”

“I love you too Willy, goodnight,” he told me before he got up climbing into bed and rolling himself up under the covers.

I was tired. I was tired and I knew everyone else was in bed so I decided I would go to bed early that night. Me actually falling asleep and sleeping soundly through the night.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will has a good bye with Da after a hostile last family dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 162 to 191. Bonus chapter because I just finished my math final which means I have 3 more classes to complete before I graduate and I'm also on a short break so yay for me. Ok lot of heavy warnings here because it does involve what it usually involves to be honest. Again I don't condone any behavior like this. I hope anyone reading that would realize that by now though. **Warnings: rape/non-con, underage, forced kissing, forced oral, forced rimming, forced Anal, forced phone sex, mental health issues. Child sexual abuse, emotional abuse.** Corresponds with **John part 1 chapter 25**

When I got up and started getting ready for school I stopped by the nursery after I made sure Mike, Matt, James and Cat were all getting dressed walking into find mum awake and moving around.

“Are you feeling better mum?” I asked her.

“Yes love,” she said smiling happily at me, “I talked to your Da. I told John yesterday but, your Da is going to New York for three months.”

“What?” I asked not sure I could let myself get excited about it but knowing it hopefully meant I wouldn’t have to deal with another night like the one I had with him for a while. Hoping that this was good news.

“Yes, we’re going to try leaving again,” she told me.

She couldn’t be serious. He had just beaten the snot of her for trying to leave not even five days ago. This was not a good idea.

“Mum,” I said and she must have seen it in my face.

“I know what you’re thinking but, some of that money is still saved up. And we’re not doing it right now. Not right away. We’re going to keep pretending everything is normal. We’re going to all keep…” she sighed heavily, “I know. But hopefully with your Da gone things will be easier and we’ll be able to get out soon. Ok?’

“Yeah,” I said quietly, “I have to go to school now.”

“I know love,” she told me, “I’ve got it today. Everything will be fine. You’ll see. I’m going to make a nice big meal before Da leaves for New York this evening. Everything will be fine. You’ll see.”

“Ok Mum,” I said smiling, trying to seem happy, like I believed her, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she told me.

I turned around knocking on John’s bedroom door to remind him his bus left before mine. Me only having half an hour to eat and get myself out to the bus stop. He didn’t answer so I opened the door. I could hear the shower running. Usually he showered at night if he woke up late so…then it hit me.

Uncle and Da hadn’t bother me last night. Not even a little. I did tell John the night before that Uncle Ben wouldn’t leave me alone. That I had been the center of a lot of attention since we had gotten back. He hadn’t. Please god tell me he hadn’t.

I knocked on his bathroom door and waited. Waiting for him to call out to me, to tell me to go away or come in, just anything but he didn’t answer. I braved it hoping he wouldn’t come out of the shower when I opened the door because I honestly had no desire to see him naked. Closing my eyes as I came in opening them up after a second when I didn’t hear him scream in surprise. He was still in the shower.

“What did you do?” I asked him. Or what I was seriously hoping was him because if not Da or Uncle Ben was taking a shower in his bathroom. Probably with him.

“What dooumean,” he muttered.

“What?” I asked him confused.

“What do you mean?” he asked me again.

“Don’t play dumb John. He didn’t wake me up last night. What did you do?” I asked him again.

“What I had to,” he answered simply before he made a hissing sound like he was in pain.

Something bad had happened, he was hurt or something, I pulled the shower curtain open, “What’s wrong?” I asked looking at his hip and leg that were all scratched to shit from his hip down to his thigh.

God damn it. That’s why you didn’t tell Uncle Ben no. Not ever about anything. Because he’d beat you. I also noticed what looked like discoloration on his side right below his ribs. He had beat him. Just like Da had beat mum. Life was going great for me.   
That just meant that I had to take care of everyone by myself still because mum needed at least another week of not two before she was supposed to be up and moving around on her own.

“You said no, didn’t you?” I asked him rather aggressively.

He looked at me before he sighed heavily, “Yeah I did something stupid ok? At least it wasn’t you though.”

“You’re going to need concealer,” I sighed looking at his neck. His neck covered in black and purple blotches.

It looked like Uncle Ben had tried to take a chunk out of his neck. He had seriously said no. As dangerous as Da was and I was sure he was dangerous no one ever said no to Uncle Ben. Because where Da usually just threatened you or someone else Uncle Ben would hurt you. John turned his back to me bending over to pick something up off the shower floor. It looked like he had gotten scratched by a fucking cat each of his shoulder blades ripped to shreds. What on earth had he been thinking? How did any of that at all seem like a good idea?

“Did he choke you out?” I asked him quietly.

“I didn’t pass out. No, even though right now I feel like I’m going to,” he said switching off the shower and opening the curtain the rest of the way causing me to awkwardly turn around so I didn’t have to stare at his…nakedness.

“Did he drug you?” I asked him staring at the toilet.

“No. He made me take a sleeping pill after he was done so I would “relax” because. Yeah, you know it’s normal to relax while your rapist is spooning you.”

“What time was that?” I asked him.

If he had taken a sleeping pill and hadn’t gotten enough sleep he shouldn’t be going to school. He shouldn’t be going to school anyway. He was beat to hell. He looked horrible.

“I don’t know. Late, like threeish,” he sighed before he yawned.

“That’s not good. That means you’ve had like three hours of sleep. It’s amazing you’re awake because usually they say eight hours. You need to have at least eight hours of sleep available in order to take a sleeping pill. You should tell mum you don’t feel good and stay home,” I told him.

“No.” John said probably grabbing his towel off the hook.

He really must have been tired. Usually he didn’t just let it all hang out but apparently, he was so tired he just didn’t care. Me staring at the toilet as he answered me.

“I’m not staying home. Not with him and Da here. Not happening. I’d rather go to school and deal with almost getting blown after hours by one of my teachers then have to deal with being trapped in a room with one of them all fucking day. That and at least Pat’s at school.” He added the last part sounding optimistic.

“You really like him? Don’t you?” I asked him.

“Yes,” he answered me simply.

I don’t know why but I turned around getting another look at his back the back of his thighs and knees covered in bruises and scratches too.

“Oh my god, John,” I gasped.

How was he not acting like he was in an insane amount of pain? How was he dealing with this? He looked not as bad as mum but still like he should be in an insane amount of pain.

“What?” he asked me yawning again.

“He beat the crap out of you,” I said as he turned around giving me a view of the parts of him that weren’t covered.

Even his hips were scratched and bruised up. It was insane. It made me wonder if that’s what Mike had to deal with, Matt. All because of me. Because he couldn’t hurt me. Because he’d been told he wasn’t allowed to do certain things to me.

He looked down at his hips adjusting his towel as he did so, “It’s not a big deal,” he said shrugging his shoulders before he walked past me into his bedroom.

“Not a big deal?!” I scoffed, “It looks like he took razorblades to your hips.”

“Will, please just go so I can get dressed in peace,” he told me.

“You should have mum look at those though. They look really really bad. Do they hurt?” I asked him quietly.

“WILL!” he snapped at me, “Please. I just want to get dressed without you.”

I sighed. There he was. That was the charming young man I was used to dealing with in the morning. I knew he was only 13 but all I could think was he needed to stop drinking booze in the morning and start drinking coffee because it would probably make him behave more like an actual person.

“Ok, fine,” I said, “Don’t fall asleep.”

I shut the door behind me. I couldn’t believe he was actually going to go to school like that. He looked horrible. Everyone was going to make fun of him. I couldn’t believe he had done that for me. I hadn’t asked him to. As far as I had known uncle Ben wasn’t going to bother me anyway. Apparently, all he was allowed to do was fuck me after all. He couldn’t beat me up, I had a feeling there were other things he was told he couldn’t do.

He didn’t show up 10 minutes later but I figured that maybe if he missed the bus or nearly missed it he wouldn’t go at all but I was wrong. Him getting the bus with me. My bus was considered late for him but an upper school student could ride it I guessed. They would just be there 10 minutes before the bell rang instead of the 20 they actually needed. I didn’t watch him, him getting off quickly and walking past me. I didn’t pay attention to where he was going. I was too pissed. Too mad at him to really care. I mean it was his choice, his body but that didn’t mean he had to subject himself to that. It wasn’t something he wanted and I knew it. I knew he had done it for me.

I don’t remember what happened for the rest of the day. I was too worried because of what had happened to John. Too worried about everything to really try and pay attention. The whole day is a blur. Me going through the motions until later that evening when we started moving everyone downstairs to the kitchen where mum had prepared a steak dinner for Da’s last meal with us for the next three months.

After everyone was sat at the table for a few minutes Da sighed heavily, “Where is your brother?”

“I don’t know,” I said.

“He’s supposed to be here by now,” Mum said, “He probably went to the park again. Connor? Can you go grab the butter please that way we have butter for the potatoes?”

“Sure, I’ll be right back,” Da said.

“So, it’s really going to be three months?” I asked quietly once he was out in the hallway.

“Yes,” Mum said nodding her head giving me a warning smile.

A warning not to talk about it with him so close by. A warning that I shouldn’t say that much about it. That it wasn’t something we were supposed to talk about or probably more sound excited about. But if Da wasn’t around that meant that maybe…things would be easier. Less like they had been the last five days.

When Da came back into the dining room John strolled in behind him. His shirt was untucked from his pants and he looked tired, staring mostly at his feet. Everyone going quiet. We all had an idea of what had probably happened because he usually didn’t walk around with his shirt untucked.

Mum gave him a sad smile, “John come here love,” mum said as he walked over to her, hugging her. He seemed like he needed it holding her for a moment as she stood there rubbing his head slightly, “Are you ok?” she asked him.

It was supposed to private but her whispering skills were not on point Da shooting her an annoyed look before he gruffly responded, “He’s fine.”

“Connor…” Mum started to say something before he interrupted her.

“Danielle can we please have a pleasant dinner? I’m leaving early tomorrow morning. I just want to spend some time with my family before I leave all right? Before all of my children have to go to bed,” he said before cutting into his stake and spearing it with his fork.

His children? Did he mean his fuck toys? His property? I didn’t ever feel like his child anymore, not really. Not since we’d been here. In this hell hole that was considered a house. The door to the dining room swung open almost crashing again the wall Uncle Ben walking in smiling happily.

Mike stiffened in the chair beside me and I reached for his hand squeezing it under the table letting him know it was ok. That Uncle Ben wouldn’t hurt him with all of us there. That we would be ok because Da was here and mum and mum would make sure nothing bad happened to us. I myself felt nervous him walking into the room smiling happily at us.

“Hi Johnny,” Uncle Ben said as he walked into the room and sat down at an empty seat.

John was still standing back from the table. Not having sat down yet probably not wanting to sit because he didn’t want to have to sit next to Da or uncle Ben which he figured was one place he would be sitting because it was now the only empty chair, the spot between Uncle Ben and Da. John shot him a look somewhere between pissed and terrified as Uncle Ben winked at him. Was he serious. Did he have to broadcast it?

“Ben,” Mum said coldly a thin and dangerous smile on her lips. Did she know? Did she know what Uncle Ben had done to John?

James stood up, using the edge of his chair to climb out of his booster seat. He went up to John and tugged on his sleeve, John not questioning it or giving him a weird look but leaning down so James could whisper in his ear rather loudly, “You can sit between me and mummy if you want to.” He told John.

He said that because if John sat between James and Mum instead of on the opposite side of James he wouldn’t have to sit by uncle Ben. James trying to make John more comfortable and protect him as much as a six-year-old could protect anyone I suppose. He really cared about us. He did.

When he wasn’t crying because of his own fear he was crying because someone else was sad or upset. Him and Mike were really sweet boys and the way Andy acted sometimes especially with Laura and Cat you could tell he was probably going to be a sweetheart too. The way he paid close attention to them and played with them even though he did rip the heads off of dolls sometimes but, he was 2. At 2 your social skills aren’t the best but he did constantly kiss them and would tell everyone he loved them. Especially when he felt like he had done something bad.

“That’s very sweet of you James but John is sitting by uncle Ben,” Da said just as John opened his mouth to speak.

“I would like to choose my own seat please,” John said surprising me.

He never stood up to Da. Not ever. None of us did besides mum sometimes and last time she had stood up to him well…she still had the bruised body to prove it had happened. I was honestly surprised he had even dared to say anything me looking up and down the table nervously between them. He couldn’t be serious about what he had just said.

“My choice is your choice now go sit,” Da said pointing at the empty chair down the table with the tip of his knife.

I saw John’s shoulders tense for a second as he gulped his Adam’s apple bobbing silently as he walked slowly towards the chair and then sat down on the very edge of the chair that was the farthest away from uncle Ben. Uncle Ben liked grabbing legs under the table and I’m sure it was something that John was not really looking forward to however, he did look slightly retarded perched on the left corner of his chair before he looked at his plate cutting into his food.

Da frowned at him shaking his head, “Sit in the chair like a normal person,” Da barked at him.

John sighed the saddest look on his face as he exhaled before he moved sitting at the table like a normal person. A person who wasn’t scared about having their legs grabbed at the dinner table him jumping slightly before he tensed up his whole body going still as he stared straight ahead of him at Mike before he looked at Da who gave him a small smile before Da cleared his throat.

“So how was school today everyone?” Da asked us.

“Good,” I said quietly.

I didn’t really remember school to be honest even by that point. There wasn’t anything to really talk about that had happened. I had done my school work, eaten my lunch with my book and had come home done my homework helped everyone else with their homework, helped mum make sure Mary and Shay were fed, fed Malachay and then helped move everyone downstairs and entertained them while mum had cooked dinner. So, school was fine. I was fine, I hadn’t gotten raped so that was always a bonus.  
Mike smiled at mum before he answered him squeezing my hand as if he was trying to draw strength from me, as if just talking in front of them was hard. However at least he was speaking which was more than James had been able to do for about a week after everything had happened. In fact, James still had a hard time speaking in front of Da.

“I’m actually doing really well in art class. They had us draw Jesus coming back from the dead and the teacher said she really liked mine. She hung it up in the classroom.”

“That’s great,” Da said his eyes more focused on his plate than his child that was speaking, “I would love to see that after the holidays are over,” he told him.

What did he mean after the holidays were over? They were already over. I mean we still had Ash Wednesday, good Friday and Easter but, dude, we usually stayed in school for those for the most part getting maybe a 2-week break around Easter. I mean it wasn’t exactly exciting for any of us. Mum loved those holidays but to me it just seemed like an excuse for Da to do things to us usually.

“It’s going ok,” Matt said looking at Da, “I answered all the question on my math test right with no help.”

“Good job!” I said to him.

He seemed to really struggle with his math most of the time. He was smart just not in math and I felt really excited that he had done that great. I mean I had been helping him for the most part. Mum always busy with the babies and John always drunk and asleep. I honestly had begun wondering if John actually ever did any homework at all because he was passed out drunk that often.

“we colored pictures today,” Cat told us smiling at mum, “And then they read us stories. Sister Martha said I was very well behaved.”

“I’m glad to hear it angel,” Da said to her actually looking up from his stake, “You’re a really good girl so I would hope she would tell you when you’re doing what you’re supposed to. Keep up the good work. John, what about you?”

“Fine,” John said barely audible.

“Really?” Da asked John, “Because I got a phone call. Two actually. You’re failing math and you didn’t show up to some of your classes today. So, I suppose that’s not helping your grade.”

“He wasn’t at school?” Mum asked Da shooting him a worried look.

“That’s what the office told me. They asked me why we didn’t call him in sick and I told them because he wasn’t. I then got a call from father Barren who said he believes it would be a good idea to move your study time with him from Monday to tomorrow,” Da said looking at John as he said that, “And that you should probably do it for the next four or weeks or so until your grades start to improve.”

I saw John’s face pale a little as he exhaled deeply. He was in trouble. He knew he was in trouble and that it wasn’t the type of trouble he wanted to be in. That not only was Da mad at him but also probably mum, “May I be excused?” he mumbled barely moving his lips as he asked.

“No, you may not,” Da told him, “You need to go to school. I don’t care what problems you are having with bullying or whether this was just because you decided to be lazy but, you are not skipping school again, you got me?”

John nodded his head in understanding, “I understand. May I be excused?” he asked again his voice louder this time.

“No, you may not. Maybe if you want to spend less time at school you should be trying to get your grades up instead of hanging out with your friends in the park,” Da said simply as he took another bite of stake.

John had been at the park again? Mum told him next time he needed to ask. Mum leaned forward putting her elbows on the table and sighing with her eyes closed. So, she was angry with him. Didn’t she understand why he hadn’t gone to school? That the teacher offering to tutor him wasn’t really offering to tutor him at all. That he was planning to make him do other things? How could she not understand that? That if people would just leave him alone then maybe he would actually go to school. Maybe he wouldn’t drink as much.

I wanted to say something but, I knew I would just get him into more trouble. That standing up to Da would be a bad idea. That he was probably the only one besides Lionel that was allowed to…my face getting warm just thinking about it. About how angry and upset I was, how scared for John I was. How mad I was at Da and mum for not understanding how hard things were for him.

“I’m sorry ok,” John said staring at the plate in front of him, “I needed a break. I’m sorry.”

“John love, what’s going on?” Mum asked him to which he shook his head still staring at his plate.

He didn’t want to talk about it. I wouldn’t either. She hadn’t seen his back or his hips or any other part of him. She hadn’t seen what he had looked like that morning. How beat up his was under his clothes. Speaking of…when had he found concealer? It did really help with the neck situation covering the bruises and claw marks around his neck.

“I could always hire a tutor to help you out I guess,” Da said looking at John, “I’m sure Dylan is looking for extra money.”

Who was Dylan? I remember thinking that figuring it was probably no one important. That it didn’t really matter. However, it made me think of the brotherhood. Of what was going to happen there. Da was in charge of us. He was our handler as the emails always called them. What if we didn’t have a handler? What happened then? It wasn’t like they would just disappear and leave us alone for the next three months while he was away. It wouldn’t be that easy, not ever.

“No, Da,” John said looking up from his plate shaking his head, “You said I could have a break.”

“That’s before you misbehaved now deal with it,” Da said harshly as mum’s head swiveled around glancing at John and then back at Da like she was trying to figure out what was going on, what they were talking about.

“Connor…,” she said in a warning tone.

“Danielle this is between him and me not anyone else,” Da hissed at her.

“He’s my son,” she said taking her napkin from her lap and throwing it on her plate like she was done eating. Like she was going to stand up and confront Da. Mike’s hand tightening in mine.

“I’d say he’s more mine then yours,” Da said looking at John, his eyes doing that thing where they scanned the parts of him he could see making John wiggle.

That was sick. He was talking about that not just in front of mum but in front of everyone. We all knew that’s what he meant. That John was more his because of the things he made John do. Was planning on continuing to make him do. Mum’s frown deepening as her face started to turn red before Catty spoke loudly distracting them both.

“Daddy why do you hate John?” she asked him.

“Oh Angel, I don’t hate your brother. I love your brother more than any of you will ever understand,” he said before he sipped some wine from the glass next to him.

“May I be excused?” John asked quietly.

He didn’t want to have to hear this. Hear them talk about him like he wasn’t there. Like he was a thing. He was my brother. He was a person, his own person. He didn’t belong to either of them. Especially not in the way Da was implying. He might have been their son but he was his own person. I understood why that would hurt. Having to sit there and listen to Da talk about him like he wasn’t there or he was an object to fight over.

Mum looked at him. Her face sad like she understood. Like she understood how he felt. Especially after seeing Da give him that look, talk about him like that, “Yes you may,” Mum said quickly before Da could cut her off. Before Da could keep her from granting John room to breathe, to think. To feel like his own person.

He shot up from the table and opened the dining room door leaving as fast as he could. Like someone had lite a fire under his ass. He really didn’t want to be there for this. To listen to them fight about him. Fight about us.

“Why on earth did you tell him he could go? He’s been skipping school Danielle. He’s been smoking and drinking. You think now is a good time to leave him to go be alone?” he asked her.

Mum sneered at him, “You know why I told him he could leave don’t pretend you don’t.”

“That? That was nothing. You’ve seen worse,” Da told her shrugging his shoulders.

“I know I have and that’s exactly why I sent him away. He doesn’t need to deal with that. He’s 13 Connor. He’s your son!” she hissed at him.

“So, it’s his son? Who cares. We were sons once,” Ben said.

“I don’t even want you here you little shite,” Mum said to which Ben smiled at her, “You keep your mouth shut.”

“Why? Don’t like me Danielle? Why does that not feel new?”

“Ben, please,” Da said, “Do we have to do this right now?”

“Sorry,” Ben said, “I’ll stay silent.”

“Good,” Da said, “Now I want a pleasant meal. Can someone go check on John? I want him to come back to the table so we can sit down and have a last meal as a family tonight.”

“I’ll go,” James said before he climbed out of his seat and left walking down the hall.

We sat there in silence for a few minutes there being nothing to say. I didn’t have anything to talk about and neither did anyone else really. That and the air with thick with tension. Mum was mad that Ben was there. I wasn’t happy that Ben was there. Mike was trying his hardest to stay calm his little hand still squeezing mine.

I turned and smiled at him trying to reassure him. Trying to convince him that we were ok. It was hard sitting at table with him even if Ben was on the other side of the table nowhere near us. I knew that. I understood it.

John came back into the dinning sighing as he sat back down in his seat James climbing back into his.

“Feeling better?” Uncle Ben asked him smiling like he was amused.

John grimaced looking at him for a second before he picked his fork back up, “Yeah sure.”

“Teenagers huh?” Ben said mum shooting him a dirty look because he was speaking, “Did we have this much attitude?”

“Sometimes I think so. I don’t know, Da usually smacked it right out of us I’m pretty sure,” Da answered him.

Mum sighed sadly before she spoke, “I can’t believe you grew up that way still. It explains a lot of your ideas about child rearing though.”

“You know I’m working on that,” Da said coldly.

“I know that’s what you say. I was just saying,” Mum said.

“Speaking of children. When are you two going to have another?” Ben asked mum.

John was moving his fork around his plate or trying to. His hand seemed to be shaking for some reason. I figured it was Ben or maybe just the fact that he had to sit there with Da and him at the table thinking about how bad things would be if mum wasn’t there.

“We’re working on it,” Da said taking another bite of stake.

Mum glanced down the table at Ben her eyes cold, giving him a smile but one that more said, “I want to beat the shit out of you shut up.” And less “I’m enjoying your company”. She really didn’t want him here. I didn’t think any of us wanted him there. Me looking at Matt who was glaring daggers at him.

“Good to hear. I mean I can’t find a woman of my own to have kids with so I should enjoy spending time with yours while I can before they grow, right?” Ben said more to Da than mum when he saw mum flinch out of the corner of his eye him turning to her, “What’d I say?”

Mum whipped her lips with her napkin before she turned giving him a tight-lipped smile, her eyes full of venom, “I know how you enjoy time with my children Ben and while Connor is gone it won’t be tolerated. You will be staying in your apartment far from here. Do you understand me?” Mum said to him.

“Actually, he will be staying here because there are things that need to be watched,” Da said mum’s head snapping in his direction.

“No, he won’t be,” she said to him.

“He will. Or John and Will and the twins will be spending a lot of time with him at his apartment. Which do you prefer? At least here you can watch and monitor what’s going on. You know, make sure he keeps his hands to himself,” Da said.

John gasped his whole body jumping causing the glasses closest to him to rattle. Mum’s attention turned to him her frowning with worry, “You ok?” she asked him quietly.

He nodded his head in response before he looked at her, “Maybe I be excused? I mean for real this time. I have homework I have to do.”

“You’ve barely eaten a thing,” Mum said in response.

It was true. There were maybe two bites of stake missing from his plate and the only thing that really looked like it had been eaten at all seemed to be his green beans the potatoes looking like a mess that had been moved around his plate and not touched at all.

“He’s fine,” Da said looking up from his food and smiling at John, “He should be more worried about his school work.”

“All right then. Yes, you maybe go but could you take Seamus upstairs? I’ll be up in a few moments with the others,” Mum said to him as John stood up going over to Seamus’s highchair and unbuckling him before getting ready to leave the room Da clearing his throat loudly.

“Let me say good bye,” Da said getting up from the table leaning over John to look at the baby in his arms, “Bye Seamus.” Da said kissing him on the forehead before John started walking away taking him from the room talking to him quietly on his way down the hall.

“He’s going to be a handsome boy as he grows,” Uncle Ben mumbled mum shooting him a look.

“You don’t talk about my kids. You keep your mouth shut. I’m tired of hearing you speak. I’m tired of being reminded of this,” she hissed.

“Danielle, please,” Da said, “He’s here to help you.”

“I don’t want him anywhere near my kids,” Mum said.

“They’re my kids. You might have birthed them but they belong to me. What is wrong with you?” Da spat at her.

“I’m tired and our kids are tired. You don’t look at them like that. You and he need to keep your dirty thoughts to yourselves. You don’t do that. You don’t…and I know he’s drinking I’m very aware he drinks himself into a stupor every day. You think I haven’t noticed? Did I know he was smoking? No, I wasn’t aware of that but for all you know he’s not. For all you know it's his friends, that Patrick and Cole smoke and not him.”

“I know it’s him. I could taste it on his breath,” Da said shrugging his shoulders.

Mum’s mouth nearly hit the ground as the whole table went silent Uncle Ben putting his hand over his mouth to keep himself from laughing as Mike looked at me before he quietly asked.

“How do you taste someone breath?”

Da looked at him, “Well, you know when I give you re…”

“CONNOR! HIM TOO? EVERYONE? WHO ELSE ARE YOU HURTING?! Jesus fucking Christ you’re sick.” Mum muttered her eyes flashing in anger.

My mum had just taken the lords name in vain. That was a que. That was a que that we needed to leave. That it was time for us to leave the room before they kept swearing at each other Mac, Mary, Andy and Laura’s little faces scrunched up like they were about to start screaming and crying because mum and Da were yelling at each other.

“Mike, can you grab one of the babies, go grab Mary,” I whispered to him.

“But she’s strapped in her highchair,” he told me barely above a whisper as mum and Da stared daggers at each other.

“Well we need to get them out of here ok? They don’t need to be here right now. We don’t need to be here right now,” I said to him to which he stood up going over and starting to fumble around with the buckle on Mary’s highchair as mum sighed looking at him before she undid the buckle in one move taking Mary and handing her to Mike.

“Such a good brother,” she said smiling at Mike before she glared at Da, “So Connor are you going to tell me who else or am I going to have to ask every single one of our kids what you’ve done to them?”

Da smiled like he was proud of himself pouring more wine into his glass as I moved slowly around the table getting Mac out of his highchair and Handing him to Matt who stood up to take him.

“Upstairs?” he asked me.

I nodded my head silently before I went and I helped Andy and Laura out of their booster seats, “Follow Matty guys,” I said and they both turned to look at Matt who held a hand out for them as Catty got up and followed them before I felt a hand on the back of my shoulder.

By that point Mum and Da were screaming at each other mum crying angry tears and I couldn’t understand a word they were saying as his arms wrapped around my waist my face getting hot. He wasn’t. Not in front of mum. He couldn’t be. He wasn’t going to. He wasn’t.

“You’re not supposed to touch me,” I reminded him.

“Who do you think is going to take care of you while Daddy’s away?” he whispered up against the back of my neck, “Surely you didn’t think Lionel would leave his special boy all alone?”

I shook my head grabbing his hands which squeezed me around my stomach hurting. This wasn’t good. They were both shouting at each other too busy to notice what was going on and what he was doing to me.

“Want them to stop fighting? Think they’d noticed if I fucked you right here on this table?” he asked me, “Or do you think they wouldn’t realize what was going on until you started screaming?”

“They’re our children! You don’t do that to your kids. You know this! You went to therapy for this! You did all of that work and you’re telling me…” Mum trailed off suddenly, “Let him go before I call the cops,” she said to Ben’s back his front pressed again my back.

“Good luck calling the cops. Please Danielle we’ve been over this,” Da said.

“I’m serious. He needs to get his hands off my son,” Mum warned him before I heard a scuffle occurring.

“Drop the knife Danielle,” Da warned her, “Drop the knife before this wrist becomes your throat.”

“That’s my son,” she said to him her voice sounding unsteady, “That’s your son. How could you let him…”?

“He won’t hurt him. He’s supposed to help you take care of them while I’m gone,” Da said.

My whole body felt warm. They weren’t really going to do this were they? Not in front of mum. Please god not in front of mum. I remember thinking that but my whole body feeling like it was made of stone me not able to move.

“Connor, he’s your son. Make Ben stop. Don’t let him do this, make him stop,” Mum begged for me as I felt Ben starting to kiss the back of my neck.

I heard whining before someone started sobbing. My heart breaking. I thought everyone had left but James was still there probably frozen to his chair.

“Daddy please don’t let him,” he barely managed to whimper, “Don’t let Ben hurt him. Please Daddy.”

I couldn’t stand it. That Da would let him do this in front of one of them. Me doing the best I could to stay silent. To not sob outright. James didn’t need to see this.

“Ben not right now. He’s only little please,” I begged to which Ben exhaled loudly on the back of my neck.

“It’s not like he can see what I’m doing. I could just…” he ground up against my back, “Just a little bit.”

“It’s ok love,” Mum said to James, “it’s ok.”

“He’s not hurting him James I swear to you. Ask Will, he’s not being hurt,” I heard Da said, “Will is he hurting you?”

I felt like he was. He was pressed too hard again me his erection poking me in the back. I felt like he was hurting me. I knew if he was allowed to he would and Da didn’t seem to be stopping him. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t lie to James and say he wasn’t hurting me but I couldn’t say he was and make Da mad because then he would hurt mum. Or James. 

“I’m fine,” I whispered.

“William we’re waiting. Tell your brother you’re fine,” Da said my response maybe a moment before not loud enough for anyone to hear but maybe Ben.

“I-I-I’m fine,” I managed.

“See bud? He’s fine, there you go. Uncle Ben’s not hurting him,” Da said.

“You’re sick,” Mum hissed at Da.

“I’m nothing. It’s perfectly fine. If he was hurting Will I’m sure Will would tell us. He’s not even doing anything to him really. He’s hugging him, look. It’s fine. He’s fine,” Da insisted, “Now take James and go upstairs.”

“NO!” Mum said loudly, “He comes or we don’t leave. I’m not leaving him down here with the two of you. Who knows what the hell you’d do to him if I did.”

“You can go upstairs or you won’t be getting up tomorrow morning because I’ll be putting you in a body cast. And don’t tell me I can’t do it. You know I will and then where will he be? Where will they be? Maybe I’ll hire a couple of my friends to help me take care of them. Maybe I’ll invite Hank over. You know he’s fond of Mac. Yeah, that’s right I said it. And you know I’ll do it. Don’t pretend you think I won’t. You know I always follow through Danielle so make a choice. You leave him here with us or you give all of them to us tomorrow and I skip New York,” Da told her sounding amused.

He would. We both knew he would. So, this was what it was like to be John. The type of things Da said to get John to do what he wanted. Mum knew it was better it was just me. That sacrificing one was better than all of us suffering. I knew it too. I wasn’t stupid. They needed her more then they needed me. 

“Connor please,” Mum said he voice going soft before she said something I couldn’t understand.

“I’ll think about it. Right now, I feel like it’s important that he’s with me anyway. I have to make a couple of conference calls and Lionel thinks he’d be good at the business after all he does want him to come to New York with me over spring break. It’d be good for him to have a little bit of an idea how things go,” Da told her.

“You won’t hurt him?” she asked Da, “Or let him touch him?”

“If it makes you happy Ben can stay down here. You take James upstairs. Ben let him go,” Da said to which Ben quit squeezing me letting me finally walk forward so I was away from him, so I wasn’t pressed against his body anymore me spinning around to look at him shaking my head.

“Love come here,” Mum said to me as I looked at her. Her eyes were sad and she was holding James who was sniffling into her shoulder. My James, my baby and he was so scared for me he was literally shaking. They should have waited until he was gone. Until he wasn’t in the room to start screaming like that for Uncle Ben to grab me like that.

I walked up to her and she put her other arm around my shoulder not putting James down. I honestly didn’t blame her for that. I wouldn’t have put him down for anything. I didn’t want Da and Uncle Ben anywhere near him. I didn’t want them in the same room with him. I sighed heavily, “Mum take him and go. Just go,” I told her quietly.

“I don’t want to leave you with them,” she told me.

“You heard him. It’s just a phone call he wants me to listen to,” I lied to her knowing that’s not all it was. That the promise of Uncle Ben not touching me, Da not touching me was just Da’s way of getting mum to leave me alone with them so they could hurt me. We both knew it but I wasn’t going to let her fight for me. Not when he had threatened to put her in a body cast and then have Hank babysit. That was a nightmare waiting to happen.

“Will are you...?” I cut her off giving her all of my 10-year-old wisdom.

“Mum they need you. You know Hank would hurt him. Just like he hurts John and he’s too little. You know something bad would happen. Just go. I’ll be fine. Who knows maybe nothing will happen? Maybe I’ll get lucky because it’s his last night at home for a while,” I told her, “I’ll be fine. I promise.”

She stared at me for a minute and I could see she wanted to say something. To argue with me and tell me it was wrong that I was wrong but, she knew I had a point. That I was right. That they needed her and Hank was the last person that needed to be in our house. She sighed heavily after a minute of silence, “I love you,” she said quietly.

“I love you too mum,” I told her before she started walking away James’ face still buried her shoulder as he whimpered saying something I couldn’t hear or understand as she walked down the hall.

Ben smiled at me starting to walk towards me again the moment she was down the hallway Da clearing his throat, “You know better Ben. I really do have to make a phone call. So why don’t we go upstairs. I’ll see what he has to say.”

“What who has to say?” I asked Da.

“Lionel. I think it’d be interesting for you to know some specifics. Even though you are contracted to Lionel Ben is going to be your sub handler and I want you to hear what exactly is going on. How things are going to work out,” Da told me.

“With me you mean?” I asked him quietly folding my arms in front of my chest.

“Yes,” Da said, “He comes here every other week because he takes care of his grandsons on the weekend. Every other weekend and he runs things so, we’re going to go talk to him ok?”

“You do know I’ll take good care of him though, right?” Uncle Ben asked putting his hands on my shoulders.

I froze up reminding myself that it was better me than mum getting beat up. Better me than John. That I could do it even if I didn’t want to. Or hoping maybe I would get lucky and Lionel would tell them they weren’t allowed to. I felt numb as he pushed me forward out of the dining room and down the hall than up the stairs to the 3rd floor. Instead of going into Da’s office him and Uncle Ben forced me into one of the guest rooms before he picked up the phone dialing the number and then hitting the speaker.

“Hello?” I heard a familiar voice answer, his voice.

“Hi Lionel. I have Ben and Will here,” Da told him, “As I’m sure you know I’m leaving early tomorrow morning with you and I’m not sure how clear Ben is about the rules here so if you could…”

“Why isn’t William speaking if he’s there?” Lionel asked Da interrupting him before Da nodded at me, telling me I should say something.

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want anything to do with him. Uncle Ben grabbing my arm and forcing it behind my back making me yelp in pain.

“There he is, I heard that. Benjamin, you better be nice otherwise I won’t let you help me with this,” Lionel told him.

Ben huffed before he let go of my arm. Me rubbing it shooting him a dirty look. If he would have yanked any harder he would have seriously hurt my shoulder. He could have broken my arm.

“Are you all right little one?” Lionel asked me through the speaker.

Yeah, I was fine no thanks to that asshole. If he didn’t want me being hurt he needed to keep Ben away from me. Which apparently wasn’t going to happen.

“Will quit being rude,” Da snapped.

“No, it’s all right Connor he’s shy. Not rude. Sometimes I think he just forgets to speak when I can’t see him. I can’t see you nod your head little one. Tell me if you’re all right. That sound you made sounded like he might have hurt you. I just want to make sure you’re ok,” Lionel said through the speaker.

“I’m ok,” I said quietly.

“Good,” Lionel said, “So we’re discussing terms again and I see it’s warranted. You do not batter him, you restrain him and do so gently. You are not allowed to have that sweet piece of fruit that belongs to me and you will not over use him. You can keep him prepared for me three times a week.”

“A week?” Uncle Ben questioned excitedly, “I thought you meant three times while you were gone until your next visit.”

“A week. I don’t want him to be too difficult. If you don’t keep them open they tend to tighten up and things get rather painful. I don’t like causing pain unless they do something to deserve pain. So, if you can be gentle and respectful you are allowed to teach him.”

“I can be gentle and respectful don’t you think Will?” Ben asked his eyes giving me that look making me shiver.

“Ok and about the me…” Da started to say something.

“Now, now Connor why don’t you say goodbye to your son first? You know an intimate goodbye,” Lionel said and I felt myself go cold.

“Can I help sir?” Ben asked.

“Certainly, just be safe,” Lionel said.

“Does Connor have to be…”

“Benjamin, he is his father. I trust him with my special boy,” Lionel said, “You on the other hand I’m not so sure about so if you can wrap it.”

“Come here honey,” Da said holding his arms out to me like he wanted me to hug him.

“William listen to your father,” Lionel told me.

So, he was going to make me do it. I didn’t see the point of this at all. I thought I was supposed to…I sighed. I thought things were supposed to get easier if I was Lionel’s not harder. That it would just be him and not everyone else. I thought that’s what the point of a contract was.

“Make sure he makes those delicious little sounds,” Lionel told my Da.

“Come here,” Da said to me as Ben pushed me forward almost causing me to fall over as Da caught me.

When I dared to look up at him he was shaking his head at Ben as he looked at me. I didn’t want to do this. This was going to hurt. It was going to be embarrassing and it was going to hurt and I knew it.

“Sir,” Ben said, “That might be a little hard to do if we aren’t allowed to…”

“Fine this one time but after that it’s off limits. Don’t spill my juice. If you’re going to take it you’re going to cherish it. You understand?” Lionel told him.

It took me a minute to understand what he was talking about. Juice? I didn’t have any juice. And then I realized what they were talking about. Me ejaculating. That they were going to do that.

“Make sure you give every bit of him attention. We actually had a lot of fun Friday evening. I kissed every inch of him until he was begging for it. His little fruit red and throbbing before I finally extracted that sweet creaminess from him,” Lionel said.

“That sounds very erotic,” Ben said behind me wrapping his arms around my waist and untucking the bottom of my shirt from my Khaki’s.

He didn’t have to do that. I didn’t want him to do that. I wanted to keep my clothes on. I didn’t want anyone undressing me. I didn’t want this to happen. 

“It’s ok honey,” Da said standing up and picking me up and setting me on the bed before he laid down beside me starting to undo my shirt.

I usually took my vest and tie off as soon as I got home because I don’t know if you’ve ever worn a sweater vest and a tie but they tend to be uncomfortable. However, this made me wish desperately I had left them on because it was another layer of clothing between his skin and mine as I looked to see Ben taking his clothes off quickly as Da kissed my cheek.

“You’re ok. All you have to do it be you ok?” he told me.

“Let me have him,” Ben said.

“Please?” I said to Da trying to keep my voice steady because no one liked it when I cried.

“Please what honey?” Da asked me as he started pulling my arms out of my shirt.

“I …” I said before remembering it was Da that I couldn’t say the words I didn’t want to.

“What was that little one?” Lionel asked over the phone, “You can tell us anything you won’t be punished. Tell us what’s on your mind.”

“Don’t let him Da. Please, please,” I begged Da. Uncle Ben making a sound of frustration drawing my attention.

He was naked and aroused watching Da undress me, kissing my neck and my cheeks. Which felt hot with shame. He wasn’t going to let him, was he? He wasn’t going to let Uncle Ben do it if Lionel had said I could tell them no. That they were supposed to be respectful.

“Ben how about you just use your oral talents and let Connor have a private good bye shortly?” Lionel suggested.

“That works. I however have a feeling that if he was serviced while we did other things he would make the most pleasant sounds sir,” Ben said.

“What’s your suggestion?” Lionel asked his tone of voice changing slightly.

“Well, I was hoping to suck his cock while someone gave him a pony ride,” Ben said and Da’s eyes lit up before Lionel laughed lightly.

“I’d love to see that. I guess I’ll have to settle for hearing it this time around?” Lionel asked.

I knew what a pony ride was. It was when an adult put you on their knee and you bounced up and down when you were little. I wasn’t sure why he would want to try and put his mouth there as Da bounced me on his knee. My brain for some reasons not understanding what they meant.

“That does sound nice, doesn’t it?” Da asked me whispering the question in my ear, “You on top for once, bouncing on that cock you want so much. Huh my little cock slut?”

I shook my head. I wouldn’t do that. I wasn’t ok with that. I wouldn’t let him do that. 

“Oh, come on honey. Don’t be shy. It’ll be fun. It’s something we haven’t done before,” Da said more loudly this time so everyone could hear what he was saying. Uncle Ben coming up and leaning over top of me forcing me to lay down on my back on the bed.

“How about I get him started? He always relaxes a little bit after some attention,” Uncle Ben said before his hands went to my belt undoing my pants before I could protest. Him forcing my hips up so he could yank my pants off and underwear in one move like he usually did.

Da started kissing my cheek and then my neck Uncle Ben not trying to make out with me his kisses starting below my rib cage as I started to squirm. I didn’t like the way it tickled. I never did. The weight of his body on my legs making it hard for me to move. Causing me to whine a little bit before Da started talking.

“Just relax. He’s going to make you feel good. Make sure you’re nice and ready for me ok Honey? So, you can take all of me. So, I can love you right. Give you all the cock you need. Ok?” 

I felt my face heat up even more. He had said that loud enough for Lionel to hear. For everyone to hear, him flicking my nipple. Causing me to whimper loudly as I went to grab his arm to push him away.

“Now, don’t do that. I don’t want to have to restrain you,” Da warned me as Uncle Ben cleared his throat his tongue reaching my belly button.

“Don’t forget to pay close attention that delicious little boy pussy,” Lionel said.

What? I remember thinking that. It being an expression I don’t think I had ever heard before. As Da handed Uncle Ben a bottle of lube. He squirted some onto his fingers. I wanted to scream, to tell Da not to let him do that to me. Uncle Ben moving his weight and lifting my legs up shoving a finger inside of me making me hiss.

“It’s ok Honey, it’s ok. Uncle Ben is just going to get you warmed up is all ok?” Da warned me.

“Is he doing ok Connor?” Lionel asked over the speaker phone, “He’s being awfully quiet.”

“I know sir. Like you said he tends to be shy and really, we’re just getting him warmed up. We haven’t even really done anything but kiss him a little bit. If you heard that grunt Ben just slid his finger in,” Da told Lionel.

“Tell him he needs two and to keep one still while he moves the other in a slow clockwise motion,” Lionel said.

“I’ll give it a shot,” Uncle Ben said putting another finger in slowly up the first knuckle before pulling it back out working his finger in a little farther each time before he finally got it all the way inside.

I let out a sharp gasp as he started moving his finger him hitting against something just enough to send a small tingle through my body but not enough to cause the same sensations that Lionel had Friday evening on the way home.

“You like that?” Da asked me, “It’s so hot seeing him tease you open. Knowing that I get to a part of you soon. That you’re going to bouncing on me, making me feel good. Letting me fill you. You want me to do that. To give you my cock, don’t you? Don’t you my little cock slut?”

I wanted them to stop. I went to push Uncle Ben away before Da grabbed my arms pinning them above my head.

“Don’t make me restrain you,” Da warned me again holding my arms there.

“Daddy please, please it doesn’t…” I begged him.

“It’s ok little one. Let your Daddy love you. Let your Uncle make you feel good. All they want to do is make you feel good. Just relax,” Lionel cooed at me over the phone.

I went silent again. Hearing the excited tone in his voice as he told me to relax, I knew he was getting off on it. That it was probably better if I didn’t protest, if I tried to stay as silent as I possibly could. My arms pinned above my head as Da started kissing and licking on my chest as Uncle Ben hit against that spot once more before wrapping his lips around me moaning happily.

“AH!” I let out a surprised whimper my eyes going wide at the sound I had made. My face starting to feel hot again as I wiggled trying to get their mouths to break contact with my skin. Trying to get them to stop holding me down and licking me, licking my chest, my pelvis. Uncle Ben wrapping his arms around my thighs as my knees rested on his shoulders, as he took his fingers out. As he started vigorously using his mouth and tongue.

The way he was holding my legs I couldn’t even really kick. Him squeezing my thighs and knees a little tighter each time I moved them like he was afraid I was going to kick him. Which is exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to kick him so fucking badly even if it meant getting smacked because it meant he’d be too busy smacking me to do other things.

“He’s squirmy this way,” Uncle Ben said stopping for a second to make the comment.

“He can be sometimes,” Da said, “Especially when he’s playing the quite game.”

“I think he’s playing it of his own accord right now,” Lionel said, “He’s awfully quiet right now. He does that to me too though. Is there any way you can make him louder?”

“You mean without hurting him a little bit?” Ben asked, “Honestly only thing I can think of is for us to get to business or me to pay special attention to certain areas. However, if I let go of his legs I’m pretty sure he’s going to kick me because it takes a minute or two for the feeling to really build. Once I usually get him there though he goes stiff and stops moving so much.”

I hated listening to them talk about me. Talk about me like I was an animal that couldn’t understand what they were saying. That he was talking about blowing me talking about sticking his tongue inside me and finding that right spot on the tip of my penis that was really sensitive. That while it sometimes took him a while to find it, he was right. It made me freeze instead of squirm, try to go outside of my body instead of fight what was happening to it because I always figured when he found that spot, when anyone found that spot I was going to climax whether I liked it or not. That at that point I might as well give up and let them do what they wanted to me because I wasn’t getting away and my body was going to give it to them regardless of how I felt about the whole thing.

“I like his squirming it’s really cute,” Lionel said over the phone, “Even if it makes it a little more challenging. It’s fun.”

“I’m ok with his squirming too just I keep feeling like he’s about to kick me and usually I’m not doing this for this long,” Ben said before his lips wrapped back around me.

“AH!” Escaped from me again.

“That’s it baby. Let me know how good your Daddy and Uncle are making you feel. Let me know you’re being a good boy,” Lionel said making my throat feel tight.

I didn’t want him listening. I didn’t want any of it happening at all. I wanted Da to let me go and Ben. I wanted them to stop. Ben moving a certain way so that he was only sucking on my tip rolling his tongue over it and teasing it lightly with his teeth. My whole body moving out of my control no matter what I did as it got harder to breathe, harder to stay calm and quiet.

“That’s it huh?” Da asked me kissing my cheek and petting my face, “You think I can let go of your arms now or are you going to try and push him away? He just wants to make you feel good that’s all. I promise.”

I don’t know what it was but it felt like bugs on my skin running up and down my spine and into my limbs making it hard to control the twitching and spams that were moving through my body. Da loosened his grip on my arms me grabbing a fist full of sheet because I felt like I needed something to hold onto in order to keep myself from screaming, from begging them to just stop because it was making me feel sick. I knew that Lionel was patient and it might be ok to say stop to him but that wasn’t something you told my Da. Not ever and I knew that. I didn’t think Lionel being on the phone listening would save me from his wrath if I made him angry by saying the wrong thing.

“Come on honey, you can let me know how it feels. Let us all know how it feels. We want you to feel good. Just make a sound. It’s ok,” Da muttered his hands still playing with my nipples.

I started whimpering. I couldn’t help it. It was too strong, too hard to fight it. I couldn’t keep the sounds from spilling out of my mouth as Uncle Ben’s mouth kept sucking before he pulled away rolling his tongue over my tip making me squirm before he took the whole thing in his mouth sucking hard for a couple of minutes before he licked down the back of my shaft making his way to other parts of me sucking there for a moment before moaning happily.

“That’s actually really fun. No wonder some guys are into it,” he said, “The tastes is unique.”

“You mean that plump little pucker? It is a rather interesting taste, yes. I quiet enjoy it myself,” Lionel said over the phone.

“I can see why,” he said moving as he grabbed me hard by the hips shoving his tongue in me.

“GOD!” I shouted out in surprise before I heard a chuckle over the phone slamming a hand over my mouth.

“It’s ok,” Da said, “Let me know when you think he’s ready we’ll switch things around.”

“That sounds divine,” Lionel said, “And I can’t even see it.”

“He certainly seems to be enjoying his uncle’s attention,” Da told Lionel, “He has his hand over his mouth like he’s trying to keep himself quiet.”

“Remove his hand. I want to hear him. I want to know he’s enjoying your company,” Lionel said as Da took my hand.

My chest was heaving as I panted and sweated. It was too much. It felt too strong. My whole body feeling warm. My body was already on edge. If Uncle Ben would have kept going I would have shot all over my stomach everything felt that tight and tingly down there he must have sensed it because he stopped looking up at me smiling.

“Connor, I think he’s ready. Are you ready?” Ben asked him.

“I’ve Been ready,” Da said Ben grabbing my arms and using them to pull me into a sitting position before he made me stand handing Da the lube.

I just felt like it was going to hurt. I mean it always did a little bit but, again this was something new. My whole body shaking because I was already so tired. My body so charged with energy.

“Come on honey just sit down,” Da said, “Come on, it’s ok.”

Ben pushed me down into Da’s lap. Da’s hands on my ass before I felt it, him sliding into me in one swift motion. Usually he pushed in a little bit at a time but this time he left gravity to do the work impaling me on him the burn too much causing me to let out a sob.

“I know, I know that was fast. Just give it a second and it’ll stop burning,” Da said caressing me as my knees started shaking harder him wrapping his arms around my chest to hold me there. He started rolling his hips moving me back and forth on his lap his body never breaking contact with mine.

Whatever he was doing he found that spot and then kept rolling his hips, “That’s it honey, take my cock. Let me fill with you with my cock my little cock slut. God, yes that’s it, that’s it honey. God yeah,” Da moaned loudly the movement of his hips keeping me rocking.

I was panting every inhale causing me to gasp before Uncle Ben put his hands on my hips helping Da rock me wrapping his lips around me. It was too much I didn’t want to, I didn’t want it. I wanted them to stop me not able to stop their bodies from making mine move.

“Da…Da…,” I remember hearing me say in a breathy moan. I was trying to tell them to stop that they needed to stop. Da started kissing the back of my neck rocking faster.

“Me too honey I’m so close. Daddy’s so so close, come for me honey. Come for me. Be my little cock slut. Take all of it. Take all of me. I know you want it. I know you want it my good boy,” he moaned.

Ben rolled his tongue over my tip as I felt that energy rip itself away from my body my body exploding him grabbing my hips as I felt that molten lava feeling flood my insides. My whole-body shivering and shaking with contractions as they stopped moving, stopped making my body move. Da’s moans and grunts ceasing before he laid back taking me with him.

He waited for the rippling of my muscles to stop for my body to slow down before he rolled over so I was under him laying on my stomach him placing a kiss between my shoulder blades before he pulled out and let me go. At first, I couldn’t even move.  
“Did all of you finish? I know I certainly did,” Lionel said over the phone.

“Yes, I think we all finished just about besides Ben,” Da said.

“I bet you he’s nice and open for me too,” Ben said, “You want to give me a…thank you brother.” Ben said.

I was too tired to move. To beg him not to. Him climbing on my back kissing me before I felt him slide in a little bit rolling his hips and pulling back out before sliding in a little further it taking him three different thrusts to seat himself in me as he used my body to reach his end. To get himself off.

I was beyond tired at that point. My head feeling beyond dizzy me seeing lights every time he brushed up against my prostate. I wanted to cry, to scream and sob but I couldn’t. I couldn’t find my voice my whole face feeling hot, my whole-body tingling and feeling warm as Da sat by my head running his hands through my hair as my uncle raped me. My cum exploding from me one last time my body probably helping him reach his climax as it contracted around him.

Only then did I find it possible to cry. First a quiet whimper and then sobs ripping free from what felt like my chest. Da pulling me into his lap.

“It’s ok honey you did so good. You made us all feel so good,” he told me, “It’s ok. I know that was a lot work but you did so good. You took such good care of us. It’s ok.”

I don’t remember hearing uncle Ben leave but by the time I was done crying the room was silent. Da probably had hung up the phone while I was screaming and sobbing my body still feeling like jelly as he rubbed my back lying next to me.

“Are you ok?” he asked me.

I nodded my head numbly feeling sick to my stomach. It wasn’t that I was ok. I was very far from ok but, I wanted him to tell me I could leave. That I could go upstairs and shower. That I could wash them off me. He was right. I was a slut. I was something beyond a slut. I was the type of slut that let someone use them, let their bodies give into everything that was happening, let themselves reach climax and then sobbed about it. I was pathetic. I was pathetic and I never wanted anyone to know but, Da knew. And Uncle Ben and probably Lionel.

“I’m going to go shower,” he whispered in my ear before nipping my ear lobe, “You want to join me?”

Of course, I didn’t. Why would I want to? Why would I want him to keep touching my skin? To keep reminding me that he owned it, owned me. That it wasn’t just him either but the three of them. That I wasn’t a person. That I was just…a slut.

“I’m just tired,” I barely managed.

“How about you go up to bed then ok Honey?” he told me.

I nodded my head the words tumbling out of my mouth automatically because I knew he’d want me to say it. Figuring it didn’t matter who said it first because it didn’t mean anything, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he said kissing my cheek, “Head upstairs to bed ok? I don’t want you staying up too late. You have school in the morning.”

“Ok,” I said numbly nodding my head as I managed to get to my feet. My legs feeling like wet noodles every step feeling unsteady. Feeling like I would fall over at any second. I managed to make it to the lift just fine, without falling over the feeling of it kicking to life and taking off from its spot causing my bladder to feel like I had to piss me making it into my room and shutting the door quickly before I ran to the bathroom.

I had been in such a hurry I didn’t even notice him until he tapped me on the shoulder when I was done peeing causing me to nearly pee again in fear as I turned to look at him.

“Sorry,” James said quietly, “Are you ok?”

I nodded my head, “I just need a shower.”

“Where are your clothes?” he asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders feeling the tears causing my nose to burn and prickling my eyeballs. I was covered in cum and sweat and…grossness. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to be near him. I didn’t deserve to be near him.

“What’s wrong?” James asked his voice growing more concerned by the second even though he was whispering, making sure he stayed quiet.

I shrugged my shoulders again turning on the water and adjusting it, climbing in. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t think he needed to deal with it. He didn’t need to hear about what had happened. It wouldn’t do anything but give him nightmares and let him know what a horrible dirty slut I was, “Go to bed. I’ll be there in a little bit.”

“Willy?” he said barely above a whisper.

“Yeah?” I asked him before I pulled the curtain closed.

“I love you,” he told me.

“I love you too bud,” I told him, “Go to bed. I’ll be there in a little while.”

I closed the curtain and heard the door shut quietly.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will meets more of John's friends and they talk about going to go see a movie that weekend. Dom pulls Will aside and tells him to leave certain conversations for at home while Will feels nervous and shy around some of the older guys many of them pointing out some behaviors Cole is displaying and confronting him about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 191 to 207. I almost gave you 50 pages here. A lot of dialogue. **Warnings: Talk of rape/non-con, talk of sexual abuse, self-esteem issues, mental health issues, homophobia, John's POV part 1 chapter 26.**

I spent a while in shower. I didn’t cry even though I wanted to but, I knew James could hear me. That if I cried he’d probably come back. Probably try to comfort me. It knew it was getting later but I remembered mum’s plan she had slipped under our doors. That we were supposed to sleep in groups. James was supposed to be sleeping with Mike and Matt in their room keeping they’re door barricaded in order to keep Da out. In order to keep them safe but they had probably done that shortly after I had come upstairs. So, I figured James was mine and Catty was probably in the nursery with mum and the babies.

It was probably around 11 by the time I hopped out of the shower the water cold. But, I felt calmer. I felt like I would be ok until I came out of my bathroom. I could hear the whining and the moans through the wall. A muffled voice. I felt my face turning red because I knew what it was. I had heard that before. It was Da. Da and John. My heart ached for him.

I understood how hard it was to be silent when they did that. How hard it was to fight your body, to stay silent while they made you do those things. I looked and could see the small lump under my covers. When I went to go climb in bed he had his hands over his ears his eyes closed. He was pale and shaking. He was probably crying. I climbed in bed and pulled him to my chest.

“He’s hurting him,” he whimpered wrapping his arms around me once he realized it was just me, that he was safe.

“I know,” I said, “It’ll be ok though. I promise it’ll be ok.”

“But he’s hurting him,” James said again.

“We’ll check on him when it’s safe ok?” I promised him to which he nodded his head before he let a pitiful little sob out against my shirt me having no choice nothing else I could do at the moment besides lay down, “How about I tell you a story ok?”

“Ok,” James managed as he continued to cry into my chest.

“Once there was a prince and princess and they lived in a big rainbow castle in a land where the grass was gold and all the food was candy. A place where it never rained and rainbows were always in the sky. One day they heard thunder in the distance. Just past the mountains that surrounded their home. However, it seemed ok because the rain was so far away, the storm was so far away they could only hear it, they couldn’t even see the storm clouds in the sky, only hear the thunder.

They thought everything would be ok because it had never rained but the idea still scared them. So, the people asked to meet with the prince and princess. Princess Catherine and Prince James. The people told them that they were scared and prince James and Princess Catherine told their people that it would ok. That they would protect them. 

There was an old man at the meeting and the old man laughed. He looked at them and laughed. It was mean dark, scary laugh. The old man told them they had no idea what a storm was like for it had never rained. Not in their whole lives and he told them they had no idea what the storm would bring. They watched the storm for days. Listening to the thunder in the distance. The prince and Princess ready to face it. Not leaving because they had to be brave for their people. When the storm came they weren’t ready.

The clouds were big and black and cracked with lightening. The wind blew so hard it blew doors from their hinges. It blew so hard it broke the glass on the windows in the castle. It blew away cows and pigs, all the farm animals. The prince and princess didn’t know what to do but they were scared.

So, they prayed to the angles in the sky. Asked them for help. Asked them for advice on how to help their people. And then the Prince thought about it. How his people were good people and how they needed better shelter from the storm that was destroying houses and blowing away animals. And he thought. But I have a big house.

A big strong house that can withstand the storm. So, he invited his people inside his home. He gave them food and water. He kept them safe. And once the storm was over, it was time to rebuild. He thought about how these people were his family, how they depended on him and so he decided to take the stones from his highest tower and let the people use the stones to rebuild stronger and better homes in case another storm came. The people were so happy that their prince loved them so much that after they were done rebuilding the houses they had a big feast full of candy. All types of candy. Starbursts and skittles and chocolate. And in the end, they realized that they were stronger because they were together. Because they had taken care of each other. Because they loved each other.”

It was a short story but it calmed him down. Made him stop crying as he clung to me. As he kept his eyes closed and tried not to listen to what was happening in the other room. To what John was dealing with. It felt like it lasted forever, John screaming, “Please.” Over and over in-between moans and whimpers. His body giving Da exactly what he wanted. Da screaming the word “fuck” loudly at some point before everything went silent.

I figured that meant he was finished but I didn’t open the door right away waiting maybe 10 minutes after I had heard the door open and shut before I got up. When I let go of James he stood up and grabbed my hand, “What if he’s still out there?” he asked me his eyes wide and fearful as he looked up at me.

“I’m pretty sure he’s gone,” I told him, “Why don’t you stay here?”

“I don’t want to. He’ll come get me,” he told me.

“I don’t think he will bud,” I told him, “I think you’re ok.”

“I don’t want to stay here,” he told me, “Don’t leave me.”

“I need to go make sure John is ok,” I explained to him.

“Can I come too?” he asked me quietly.

“Yeah but, if you hear anything. You need to come back in here ok? Promise me?” I said making it clear I didn’t want Da to catch him or Uncle Ben even though I was pretty sure it was Da.

“I promise,” he told me nodding his head.

When I got to John’s room his bathroom door was cracked the light on and the water running. I didn’t mean to scare him. Sneak up behind him so quietly. Especially not after that but, I guess he didn’t hear me walking in over the water running him jumping when I laid my hand on his shoulder before he turned around.

“What?” he asked me rather sharply looking over at James who was standing quietly by the door way, his eyes wide with worry as he looked at John.

I don’t know why but I started crying. Listening to that happening to him. Him begging Da to stop, stop making his body feel like that. Begging Da to just go away. I was angry and upset. How could Da manage to do that after doing it to me? After him and Ben doing it to me.

“John,” I said quietly. He looked like he was in pain. Like he wanted to scream.

“Don’t Will,” he said shaking his head at me his eyes red like he had been crying. His whole body finally relaxing a little as he looked at me.

“I can’t ignore that. I’m surprised no one else is out here checking to see if you’re ok,” I told him quietly. 

I understood he wanted to be alone, that he needed to be alone. However, I needed to know he was ok. That he was as ok as he could be. His body sticky and covered in sweat and other things. That he would be able to sleep that night because we did have school in the morning. 

“Are you kidding me?!” he hissed at me quietly, “I just…had sex with my Da. Our Da so I am going to take a shower now. After that I am going to try to get some sleep so I can have sex with my math teacher tomorrow after school and probably get groped by another teacher at some point so if you don’t mind…” he gestured angrily at the bathtub before turning and pulling the stopper making the water come out of the shower head instead of the faucet.

“You said stop,” I told him, “That’s called rape. You didn’t consent to that so call it what it is.”

I hated hearing him refer to it as sex. It wasn’t sex we both knew that it wasn’t sex even if it felt that way, what we thought sex felt like. And James was right there. He needed to know there was a difference. That what Da did wasn’t the same as sex. That sex was something two people who wanted to be together did. Not something someone made you do and then told you, you wanted. There was a huge difference.

“I’m lucky he didn’t choke me out or hurt me for that,” John said looking at the bathtub balancing himself on the edge of it and wincing in pain, “Just leave me alone Will ok? Take James to bed.”

“I’m not sure that’s such a good idea. Leaving you alone,” I told him.

He had been talking about killing himself. Had almost thrown himself off the balcony. What would he do if I left him alone? Would he cut himself, try to cut his wrists? Would he try to drown himself? I didn’t want him to do those things. I was scared to leave him alone.

“JUST GO!” John told me loudly before clearing his throat his voice coming out unsteady, full of pain, “Please, just go.”

“You’re not going to hurt yourself?” I asked him.

“No. I’m not going to kill myself ok? I’m going to shower,” he said his voice sounding tired, worn out.

“Ok. I’ll take him back to bed but after I have him back in bed I’m coming back here all right?” I told him.

This whole time James had been watching us closely hugging the door frame his child eyes wide in fear and sadness. He didn’t want to see John like this. He didn’t want to see him hurt and knowing what had happened to him. I didn’t neither but, there was no way to ignore it. To pretend I hadn’t heard it. That I didn’t know it had happened.

“Fine whatever,” John said, “Take him. Go, now,” he said waving his hand at us, at the door before he stood up using the wall to support himself and shutting the shower curtain.

I grabbed James picking him up and shutting the bathroom door behind us, “Why is he mad at us?” James asked me quietly.

“He’s not,” I assured him, “He’s not mad at us he’s mad at Da.”

“Because Da hurt him?” James asked.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Sometimes after Da hurts you like that you just kind of want to be alone and I think John just wanted to be alone right now. That he’s not really mad at us but more at Da.”

“So, he yelled at you because he wants to be alone?” James asked me.

“Yeah, and if you notice I know he’s not really upset with me and that I didn’t do anything so I’m not mad at him. You know how sometimes I seem like I’m really mad or sad about something when you come into my room?” I asked him.

“Yeah like earlier when I was in your room and you came upstairs?” he asked me.

“Yeah, it’s because sometimes you just want to be alone,” I told him.

“Da hurt you earlier?” he asked me.

“Don’t worry about it ok?” I told him taking him back into my room and setting him down on my bed before I climbed in myself.

“He did, didn’t he?” he asked me.

“I don’t want you to worry about that. That’s for me to worry about. Not you ok?” I told him.

“Will? Is Da going to do that to me, when I’m your age I mean,” he asked me.

“I don’t know bud,” I answered as honestly as I could, “I really hope not.”

“I don’t want him to,” he said his voice quiet and sad. I was surprised he didn’t start crying and sobbing but it was an admission of his fear. An admission that he didn’t want to go through that.

“I don’t want him to either,” I admitted, “We should try to sleep ok?”

“Ok,” he said rolling over so his back was facing me, “Goodnight Willy, I love you.”

“I love you too bud,” I said quietly, “Goodnight.”

I remember laying there for a while. There were so many things I wanted to tell John but, I figured that maybe him being so hostile meant it was better to leave him alone for now. That he didn’t want to talk about it. That he would rather forget it had ever happened. I wanted to tell him I knew how that feel. That Da had made me do the same thing earlier. With him and Uncle Ben. How badly it had hurt that by the time Da was finished I felt like I couldn’t move and all I could do was whimper and moan as Ben finished. As he used me like I was some type of toy. I wanted to tell him he wasn’t alone. That no matter how he felt I knew what it felt like too. That he wasn’t alone.

He didn’t really talk to me the next morning as he got dressed and onto the bus me helping mum make sure everything was set up and ready to go for that morning before I myself got on the bus. I walked around by the upper school wing figuring he would be hiding somewhere. That he would be trying to avoid people and then I heard his voice coming from a bush him sighing loudly.

“I’m tired of everything. Maybe just one too many people pressing my buttons,” he muttered.

It was behind some brushes what almost seemed like a ring of them. Me pushing my way through to find a group of older boys that made me feel really short and really self-conscious standing there smoking. So, Da was right. John did smoke. I was staying back trying to stay in the bushes and not make much noise my pant leg getting caught on something, probably a branch and me moving to untangle myself trying to do it quietly before I ended up tripping over something and falling forward catching myself on my knees with an annoyed squeak.

“Want to talk about it?” Pat asked John putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Not really. I just want to forget about it, all of it,” John said before his eyes went wide in surprise looking at me from the ground.

“Shit,” Cole muttered before everyone scrambled moving around hiding cigarettes behind their backs as the all gave me sheepish smiles.

I might have been 10 but I wasn’t retarded and I had been watching them for two minutes pretty well hidden. They were all smoking.

“Will? What the fuck?” John asked me shaking his head.

“I know you guys smoke back here I’m not an idiot,” I told him, “Can we talk about what happened?”

Again, I just wanted to make sure he was ok. Remind me that he wasn’t alone. That they did things to me too last night. That I understood how hard it was to not be…to stay quiet sometimes. How I felt like it was getting harder for me to stay quiet because my body…my body was changing and everything felt so weird when they did it. That I didn’t want it but that it…that my body always did what they wanted it to.

“What happened?” Some older guy asked cocking an eyebrow at John as he puffed on his cigarette.

He had dark hair. It was almost black but kind of brown at the same time falling in gentle waves that curled around his ears so it wasn’t hanging in his face. His eyes were a golden brown and he had a light dusting of freckles across the bridge of his nose even though he seemed to have a slight tan. I felt my face growing red as I looked at him. How tall he was compared to me. How cute he was. Who was he? I felt my brain going stupid as I looked at him before realizing that my face was turning red and taking an intense interest in my feet.

“Nothing,” John sighed, “Hunter, this is my little brother Will.”

“Hey Will,” he said to me as I stared at my shoes trying to stop my face from turning beat red as he said my name, “So, what happened last night?” he asked me.

“Nothing,” John said as I looked up at him, him giving me a look that said he didn’t want anyone to know about it. That he didn’t want to talk about it.

Some other guy I didn’t know looked at John and then at me, “Will, come here. Let me tell you something,” he said wrapping his arm around my shoulder making me flinch as he lead me out of the circle and forward closer to the building deeper in to the bushes.

“Sorry,” the guy said taking his hand off my shoulder.

“Who are you?” I asked him finally starting to calm down a little. My face still felt warm and this guy had just wrapped his arm around me like he knew he I was.

I was not ok with him touching me and he must have sensed it because the moment we were out of site he jumped away from me like I was one fire his dark red hair striking me as weird. I mean I knew other people had red hair but, his hair was like a brownish red instead of the deep copper I was used to seeing on my brother and sisters. His eyes Hazel almost brown as he looked up at me.

“My name is Dom. I’m friends with your brother. I don’t know what happened last night but you really shouldn’t try to talk to him about it right now,” Dom told me as I opened my mouth to protest, “Look it’s hard ok? I’m sure you understand. He knows you know what it’s like and that it’s upsetting he doesn’t need to be reminded of it. Do you know what’s going on with him? At school I mean.”

“He told me last night,” I said quietly, “I told him he should tell mum. About all of that.”

“Telling your mom isn’t going to help him. It’s not…it’s just going to make things harder. So just don’t say anything about it. Let him pretend it’s not happening. I’m sure you feel that sometimes dah?” he asked me causing me to frown.

He did have a tiny bit of an accent more an inflection but I didn’t know what type it was. I just thought maybe it was speech issue of some kind before he sighed, “It means yes. Sorry.”

“Yes, in what language?” I asked him.

“Russian,” he answered, “I’m Russian.”

“You’re Russian? You mean like a one?” I asked him.

“Huh,” he said holding his hand out in front of him palm down before he swayed it side to side shrugging his shoulders, “I’ve had American parents since I was small. So, kind of? A little bit.”

“Did they kidnap you?” I asked him before I felt my face burn with guilt. I shouldn’t have asked that. That was a rude question. It was rude to ask him about things he probably didn’t know the answer to, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. Forget it.” I mumbled.

“Nyet, it’s ok to ask. It’s ok to be curious. I don’t know. I don’t remember,” he said shrugging his shoulders, “Just don’t talk about that here. He probably feels horrible about it you know? So, whatever happened keep it to yourself. Keep it between him and you ok?”

“He’s tried to hurt himself you know? I just … I want him to be ok,” I admitted quietly.

“Talk to him later. He’ll need you later. But for right now, just act like everything is fine,” he said.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “You’re right. He wouldn’t want everyone…”

I trailed off. Dom must have read something in my face because he sighed looking at me, “It’s ok to care just. He’s quiet about it. It’s ok for someone to be quiet about it. Just be there for him. Making him talk about it won’t help.”

I nodded my head in agreement. It would probably only embarrass John. For everyone to know even if they were brotherhood. John was private it wasn’t something that he wanted everyone to know I was pretty sure. I followed him back to the circle hearing everyone talking.

“So, are we going to that movie?” Some guy asked. He had dark hair almost the same color as Hunter only he was paler. His eyes a deep gray and no freckles to speak of. He looked almost like he could be part vampire.

“I’m still up for it,” Hunter answered, “John, is this the brother that’s coming with us?” he asked him.

“Yeah, that’s the one. One of them,” John said.

“So, Will want a smoke?” Hunter asked me smiling.

Was he really offering me one? I had never tried it before. I was 10. Did he know I was 10? I felt my face warming up wondering what he thought about me. If he thought I looked more mature than I was. If he thought I was super smart of even a year or two older. Wondering whether he thought I was actually cool enough to smoke not sure what to say before John looked at us.

“He doesn’t smoke,” John answered for me causing me to frown.

How did he know I didn’t smoke? He wasn’t really around that much and when he was he was sleeping.

“How old is he?” Hunter asked John.

“I’m almost 11,” I told him.

“What grade are you in?” Hunter asked me frowning before he took one last drag crushing the butt of the cigarette under his foot.

“Sixth,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

“Crap. You’re 10 and in 6th grade. Are you like super smart?” Hunter asked his eyes lighting up gold as he smiled at me.

Did that mean he liked me? Had I impressed him somehow? By just being smart? Why was he making me feel so nervous? He probably wasn’t even…like that. So why was I letting myself get so nervous? I shrugged my shoulders trying to calm down so I didn’t look like a muttering idiot, “I read a lot, and I guess that means I know a lot of stuff so they skipped me. They keep trying to convince my mum that I should skip another grade but, people already hate me so, I don’t imagine skipping again is going to help.”

I felt my face get warmer thinking about what a fail that was. That instead of a stuttering idiot I was now a rambling one instead. This guy probably thought I was a major spaz. A 10-year-old spaz. I didn’t think his opinion of me could be any worse at this point.

“Why aren’t you in the super smart school?” Some guy asked me. He looked like a backstreet boy. A bowl cut of golden brown hair with blue eyes.

Why didn’t I go to the super smart school? Who was my Da? Who was I related to. Come on he had to know all of this stuff. I sighed feeling calmer all of the sudden and lot more confident in my socializing abilities before I answered, “this is the brotherhood school so this is the school I go to.”

The guys face turned a little green his cigarette falling out of his mouth as his mouth gaped open, “that’s sick.”

What? I was sick? What did I do? Did he know? Did he know that I was…?

“What?” I asked afraid to know what he was going to say next. Afraid he was going to tell me knew all about him. All about all the stuff going on. Afraid he was going to say Teddy had talked to him or Cole and that he knew.

“They already branded you, right?” he asked me.

So that’s all it was? I sighed with relief nodded my head, “Is that like really young or something?” I asked curious about it.

“Kind of,” Hunter said, “The youngest I’ve heard of is eight but the oldest was like 14. So, I suppose it’s normal for your age.”

“So, do you want to tell us what happened last night?” the backstreet boy guy asked me, “Because honestly I’m still curious.”

“I don’t think it matters now,” I said thinking about it. About how Dom was right and I knew John didn’t want to talk about it. That now probably wasn’t the time to talk about it. That if I really loved John I would wait if I had anything to say about it or just not bring it up.

“Whatever man,” Hunter said shrugging his shoulders, “So otherwise how are things? Are you doing ok?”

He was asking me if I was ok? Why? He had just met me. Did that mean he wanted to be my friend?

John nodded his head at Pat and then walked back from where Dom and I had come. What was that? I thought they were supposed to keep that secret. I frowned a little as I watched them leave.

“He’s ok,” Hunter said, “Pat won’t hurt him.”

“Yeah, I’m very sure about that,” Cole said smiling at me.

Oh god. I felt my heart stop why did he have to be so…him? My face getting warm as I looked at him as I remembered hugging him. He probably smelt a lot better today than he had Christmas morning. God damn it, Will get it together. I remember thinking to myself as my face flushed red.

“There’s nothing to be nervous about man. We’re cool. We’re nice,” Hunter said looking at me, probably noticing the change in my complexion.

“You’re ok,” Cole said, “Just breathe, it’s fine.”

“Guy you’re making him more nervous quit talking about it,” Dom muttered.

“How? Kid looks like Rudolph,” the backstreet boy looking one said.

Now that really embarrassed me. I’m not sure if I muttered it or what but I remember thinking it as I looked at my toes. Wishing that they would just go away that they didn’t look so nice and weren’t being so friendly. 

“That was rude Chris,” One of them muttered.

“Sorry. Hey, look Will, right? Can you look at me for a second?” he said.

I looked up. His eyes soft as he looked at me, “I’m sorry. That was rude. You’re just shy?”

I nodded my head my focus going back to my feet.

“There’s nothing wrong with being shy. You don’t have to be nervous though ok? We’re not going to hurt you or bother you we just want to get to know you. If you’re ok with that?” he told me giving me a small smile.

What did he mean get to know me? I backed up slighting bumping into someone’s chest. Were they blocking me in? Would John really hang out with people like this.

“Hey, it’s ok. He didn’t mean it like that,” Cole said from behind me.

“Shit. Fuck,” Chris swore, “I didn’t mean to freak you out. Guys, I’m going to leave now because I feel like a total ass.”

“You mean instead of the normal half ass you tend to be?” Hunter asked him, “It’s ok I’m sure he knows you didn’t mean anything by it. But you are a new person and he is a bottom and a young one. Do you not remember what that’s like?”

“No, I do which is why I feel like a total shithead right now,” Chris said, “Listen Will, I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. Are you going to be ok?”

I nodded my head as I stayed staring at my feet waiting for my heart to stop pounding against my chest. Trying to calm down reminding myself that Cole was right behind me. That he wouldn’t hurt me. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. I still didn’t want to look at him though. He probably thought I was a total freak. Flipping out over nothing. All because some guy said he wanted to get to know me. He hadn’t even meant it in that way but that was where my mind had jumped to, probably because of stupid fucking Lionel. And I knew it. 

“Ok, well it was nice to meet you. You can call me Chris or Christian. I guess I’ll see you Sunday and maybe you’ll be a little less nervous and I’ll be a little less of an ass. Should we try to make that our goal?” he asked me.

I looked up finally the heat in my face starting to abate. So, he wanted to start over. Pretend none of this had happened? I could do that. I could pretend I hadn’t made a fool of myself in front of all of these guys, “That sounds ok.” I answered him.

“Good, I feel like that would be good,” Chris agreed nodding his head, “Well I’ll see you Sunday. Have a good day.” He said before turning and walking away.

The other guy frowned at me or at least I thought he was frowning at me before Cole said something where he was still standing behind me.

“What?” Cole asked him.

“You know what,” the guy said.

“Not exactly?” Cole said, “I’m not a mind reader. Is it what I think it is or is it something different?”

“What do you think it is?” the guy asked Cole.

“Something you and I both know about that we’re not supposed to talk about,” Cole said.

“Yeah,” the guy said nodding his head.

“What?” Dom asked from beside us, “If you’re not supposed to talk about something why are you talking about?”

“We’re not,” Cole said as a matter of factly, “Anything else?”

“Maybe,” the guy said, “I feel like it’s kind of weird to bring up though. You know what that is too though don’t you?”

“He’s 10,” Cole said, “It’s nothing. It’s not like that at all.”

“You say that about all the guys,” the guy said shaking his head.

“Dude, he’s seriously 10,” Cole insisted, “I’m just standing here because he was about to start flipping out. And you know why too.”

“You swear? You swear you’re not…”

“Fuck no!” Cole said behind me, “Never.”

“Ok,” the guy said nodding his head.

I turned around facing Cole. Were they talking about me? Was that what they were talking about?

“Who is this guy?” I asked him quietly.

“Sorry,” Cole said, “This is Kristoff.”

“You can call me Kris,” the guy said Cole having answered me loud enough for everyone to hear.

“Two Chris’?” I asked.

“Our parents didn’t conference each other when it came to naming their children it just happens,” Kris told me, “I’m sure you understand that.”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Do you guys not like me?”

“No,” Kris shook his head, “You seem like a nice kid. You do. Don’t worry about it ok? It’s nothing to concern yourself with.”

“What are you guys talking about?” Dom asked, “You’re being weird.”

Just then John and Pat came back through the brushes. John’s eyes were red and blood shot like he had been crying again. I figured he had told Pat what had happened. That he had gotten it out. I wished he would have talked to me about it but, I was glad he felt comfortable enough to talk to someone about it, Pat smiling at everyone nervously and handing out another cigarette to everyone that was still there.

“Where did Chris go?” Pat asked.

“He said something that made him feel stupid so he left,” Cole answered.

“He has trouble reading ques,” Pat said shrugging his shoulders.

“No, this time it was he read some ques very well and then he felt bad,” Cole told him to which Pat nodded his head knowingly.

I looked at Dom he seemed like he knew something and he just wasn’t saying it. I didn’t know if it was because of John or me but he looked like he wanted to cry. Maybe it was something going on with him for all I knew. He seemed like a nice guy though. Like he really cared about John even if it wasn’t romantic. Him nodding at John as John nodded at him.

“Just hand in there,” Hunter said before walking away out of the circle.

“Look luck,” Kris said looking the last of us that were standing there. “Cole, I’ll talk to you later. You guys better be there Sunday. If you aren’t I’m going looking for you,” he said before he turned and left as well.

Cole grabbed my hand threading his fingers through mine surprising me. Making my heart jump as I felt the sensation. Was he really? I was so shocked I just followed him. His hand felt kind of cold but not in an unpleasant way the skin soft and full instead of old and wrinkly. It was different. Weird.

“You ok?” he asked me.

I felt my face getting hot again just because I was thinking about his hand, feeling his hand in mine but I nodded my head quietly letting out a sigh trying to calm myself down. I felt nervous sure but, I wasn’t like scared or anything. I was all right.

“What were you talking about?” I asked him expecting him to let go of my hand now that we were away from them a little bit but he just kept holding it.

“Him,” Cole said avoiding my gaze, “He…he likes shy boys. That’s why I’m not shy anymore.”

“Oh,” I said barely a whisper.

So, Kris knew. Kris knew I was his. That made me feel sick to my stomach.

“He doesn’t know. If he did he wouldn’t have brought it up. But there are certain things that the leader says and does that…other people don’t. Like he “wants to know what you’re thinking” and he “wants to get to know you” those type of things,” Cole explained.

“So, when I got super nervous when Chris said they wanted to get to know me…” I trailed off.

“Yeah. Kris caught it. He saw the look on your face and the way you stepped back and it…it was tip off that maybe. And you’re shy. All of those things are very. Told Kris you were all the leaders type if he didn’t have an eye on you already. He was warning me without out right saying it,” Cole said.

“Why did you tell him I’m 10?” I asked him.

“Well once you backed up you were standing awfully close to me and I wasn’t backing away,” Cole said, “I don’t know if you know this about me but, I tend to…get around a little bit. I think he was afraid I was making a move on you.”

“Get around?” I asked him.

“I sleep with a lot of guys for fun,” he clarified.

“Why?” I asked.

“It’s hard to explain. You’ll understand when you’re older but it makes it easier to not think about them. To not feel them or worry about them. It takes what they do and makes it into something different. Gives you the control instead of them. I don’t know. Some people don’t …some people don’t like doing it and some people do it all the time so they don’t have think about being forced to do it. I just happen to be one of the people that does it for fun because it’s my way of deciding that…”

“Of taking back control?” I asked him and he nodded his head.

“I wasn’t though. You’re 10. I won’t do that to you. Not ever. We talked about that remember?”

“I remember,” I said nodding my head.

He told me that at Christmas. That he thought I was cute but that I was too young. That if I was older he thought maybe there could be something there but, that I was young enough even thinking about it made him uncomfortable. Yet here he was holding my hand, not letting go. I couldn’t figure out if it was he was trying to comfort me or if it was something else. That he liked me enough to want to make me feel better but that he was afraid of hurting me, of pressuring me into doing things I didn’t want to do and that’s why he wouldn’t ask.

“Good, you’re ok though?” he asked me finally letting go of my hand to scratch his nose.

“Yeah. I just get nervous. I don’t know why but I feel like everyone is…judging me,” I said trying to explain why my face kept flushing.

“Well Hunter and Kris being so hot probably didn’t help,” he said smiling at me raising his eyebrows.

“Right?” I asked him to which he laughed.

“I only knew because your face turned the same shade of red the first time you met me,” he told me, “It’s ok. I won’t say anything. We should get off to class. I’ll see you later. If not today than probably Sunday.”

“Yeah,” I said, “Cole?”

“Yeah?” he said turning around to look at me.

“Thanks,” I said, “For not telling him about the leader I mean.”

“Well,” Cole sighed walking back over to me, “John was right there and it’s a lot to deal with. He does bad things and him knowing and John knowing won’t do them or you any good. Kris gets protective. He doesn’t like seeing kids get hurt. I don’t know any decent person that does but he has a huge temper especially when it comes to hearing about that so it’s best to just not say anything about it. You understand?”

“Yeah, I get it,” I said, “He doesn’t know me though.”

“No but he knows me. And he knows I care about you and John. You two are like so fucking awesome. Like you won’t ever see it but you really are. So, because he cares about me and I care about you that means…”

“By default, he cares about us too?” I asked and Cole nodded his head.

“It’s just how he is. He’s a nice guy though. The fact that he looks like Nick Carter doesn’t hurt either.”

That made me laugh. He did though. He really looked like Nick Carter only with darker hair.

The bell rang and Cole sighed looking at me. It was happy sigh. A content one that made me smile widen.

“What?” I asked.

“You look good when you smile. I wish you would smile more. You have a cute laugh too,” he said.

I felt my face get warm again and he laughed, a loud hardy laugh almost like when he had fallen off the bed after telling us that Pat was shaving down there.

“Don’t think about it too much,” he said, “Now I really have to get to class. Have a good day Will.”

“You too,” I said walking off to my own classes.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will goes to school and some friends invite him to the skate park. John comes home and something is wrong Pat ending up with him. They later invite Cole to stay the night where because of Cole's altered state he makes a bad choice (that I don't think Will minds all that much). Mum catches Will in a compromising position and blames Patrick and John for the behavior.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 208 to 249. This is a long chapter I know. A lot of stuff happens though. **Warnings: Homophobia, underage kissing, underage smoking, underage drinking, self-esteem issues, sexuality issues, talking about underage sex, mental health issues, talk of sexual abuse. John's POV part 1 chapter 27.** Lot's of brother bonding in this one. Lots of inner dialogue and thoughts. I may or may not post tomorrow. We'll see.

I remember being deep in thought for the most part. Wondering if that meant Cole really liked me. Had feelings for me or if he was just being nice when he said that. Said that he liked my laugh and that I looked good when I smiled. No one had ever said those things to me before. I felt cool for once in my life instead of like a kid that two sizes too small for the clothes he was wearing. That was too young and immature to understand what was going on around him.

When I got to lunch I actually felt like talking to people sitting down next to Julian and Todd. Both of them stopped eating and gave me this weird look as I sat down.

“Hi,” I said doing my best to hide the fact that them staring at me made me nervous. They were looking at me like I had grown a second head or something.

“What’s up?” Julian asked me.

“Not much what’s up with you guys?” I asked.

“Well tomorrow we’re going to the skate park,” Julian said, “Todd, Ted and me.”

“Ted skates?” I asked.

“Skateboards,” Todd said, “It’s actually kind of fun. Have you ever tried it?”

“No,” I said shaking my head, “Isn’t it dangerous?”

“Not if you wear a helmet and know what you’re doing,” Julian said, “We can teach you if you want.”

“Really?” I asked, “You mean I can go?”

“Huh, yeah. I just invited you. Do you want to come?” he asked me.

“Yeah. That sounds cool. What skate Park?” I asked him.

“The one off of Havlin,” he said, “Where do you live?”

“Boston,” I said.

“That’s like two streets away. You could probably walk there,” he told me.

“Totally. I’ll ask my mum,” I told him.

“Cool. Well if you do decide to go we’re meeting there around 11 and probably going to stay there until like 2 or so and then walk to the Coney for some food. So, if you bring money you can join us,” he said.

“That would be awesome, thanks,” I said.

“No problem man. You’re cool you’re just quiet,” Julian said.

“Sorry,” I said feeling myself starting to blush, “I just don’t have a lot to talk about usually.”

“Why not?” he asked me.

“I don’t watch a lot of TV. I spend most of my time helping my mum take care of my little brothers and sisters,” I admitted, “And no one wants to hear about how a two-year-old spends their day.”

“It has to be more interesting than how a four-month-old spends their days. I have a 4-month-old sister and she does nothing but sleep usually. And gurgle and poop her pants. And eat. So, 2 has to be more interesting than four,” Julian told me.

“I have two siblings that are 3 months old almost 4,” I told him.

“Really? I mean I knew you had a lot of siblings but those are the youngest?” he asked me.

“Yeah and just so you know they do about the same as your sister. What’s her name?” I asked him.

“Lydia,” he said, “I didn’t get to name her not that I would know what to name a baby to begin with. What are those two named?”

“Mary and Seamus,” I said.

“Do they look like you or your older brother?” he asked me.

“I’m not honestly sure. Like Seamus his hair is actually kind of dark almost browner and Mary has red hair like John. All of my sisters have red hair,” I answered.

“How many sisters do you have?” he asked me.

“Three,” I answered, “The other two are four and 2. They are named Laura and Catherine.”

“Do they have the temper to match their hair? My mom says redheads are always angry. She said she dated one in college and he was horrible,” Julian asked me.

“Well sometimes Laura screams until her face is the same color her hair is. So probably. Catherine used to do that too but now she uses her words a lot more. She gets upset when we don’t play tea party with her but she doesn’t run away crying anymore when we say no.”

“You play tea party with your sister?”

Was that not ok? I felt my face flushing again me trying to tell myself I was fine. That mum was right and it made me a good big brother to do that with her. Because she enjoyed it and it made her happy. I was however super thankful I didn’t mention that we played princess tea party and I ended up wearing dresses.

“Yeah,” I answered uncertainly.

“It sounds weird but I have to say your sister must love you,” Julian said giving me a smile.

“I think she does yeah,” I agreed, “I try to be nice. I play house with them and stuff too. It’s actually really boring usually I end up holding a teddy bear and pretending it’s a baby while they make me fake plastic food and I watch TV. It’s not that hard really.”  
“You know what would be better? If they made you real food. Can you imagine?” Julian said, “Be like hey Catherine bring me that cake. And she brings you a real cake.”

“I would probably fall out of chair if it was worth a damn. If not, she’d give me food poisoning I’m sure,” I said smiling at the idea of what that would be like.

“Well, you did say she was four,” Julian said.

“Yeah she’s four. She’s a sweet girl though. I love her,” I said, “I love all of them.”

“Oh yeah. I love my sister. I can’t imagine life without her and she’s only been around for four months. Looking at her though makes the world not seem so bad,” Julian agreed with me.

“They do cause trouble though sometimes and I worry about them,” I said.

“The older ones?” he asked me and I nodded my heads.

“Todd has a brother and sister. Anabel and Rick,” he said.

“I didn’t know that,” I said.

“Yeah, Teddy has Luke and Louis and I have Lydia. Quinn has Calvin and Noah and Finn has Wal. We all have brothers or sisters,” Julian told me.

“Are they all little or like…?” I trailed off.

“No. I’m sure some of them wish they were though. Still like four or younger. It’s the only way they seem to be safe,” Julian said shrugging his shoulders just a Quinn and Teddy came over.

“Hey, felt like talking today?” Teddy asked me.

“A little yeah,” I answered.

“I feel honored,” Teddy said to which Quinn smacked him lightly.

“Don’t mock his silence. I think it’s stoic,” Quinn said.

“Stoic?” Teddy asked.

“I person who endures hardships without complaining,” I said.

“Then yes, that would be you,” Teddy agreed.

“How are you doing?” Quinn asked me.

“Actually good, I just got invited to go to the skate park with everyone. I’m sure my mom will say yes,” I said.

“Man, you have to go the one weekend I can’t? That bums me out a little bit. I’d love to see you fall on your face a couple of times,” Quinn said.

“You’re really going to love missing me going to the movies on Sunday then. Like a bunch of older guys are going with John and he invited me to come along I guess. I mean I didn’t know until the morning but, every time they spoke I didn’t know what to say,” I said smiling sheepishly.

“It’s because they’re new,” Teddy said, “Your face was beet red for the first hour I knew you.”

“Really?” I asked.

“Yeah, I mean I just thought you were weird but you’re just like super shy,” Ted said nodding his head, “Don’t worry they’ll think your spaz for like an hour or two and then you’ll be fine.”

“Well thanks,” I said not sure what to make of what he was telling me.

“It wasn’t the whole hour,” Quinn insisted, “Maybe 20 minutes. It looked like you swallowed a hot pepper and every time you spoke it got a little worse. However, I thought you sounded super smart. You always sound smart. And there goes the face again.”

“Dude, we should use it like a super power one day. Like he’s his own lie detector, “Teddy said looking at Julian and Quinn.

“I don’t think it works that way. I honestly think you could ask him anything that’s even slightly embarrassing and him just thinking about it would make his face go red. An example, “Have you ever seen a dog naked?”

“What?” I said feeling the frown on my face.

Dogs were usually naked. What kind of question was that? That didn’t make any sense.

“Have you ever kissed a girl?” Quinn tried again.

No. No I hadn’t kissed a girl. Did I want to know what it felt like? Maybe but for some reason they just didn’t…I thought they would feel weird. Their lips and they always had sticky stuff on them. Like chap stick or lip gloss. I wasn’t sure I was cool with that. And I didn’t know any girls.

“See! See! Told you. It just has to be something that embarrasses him,” Quinn said.

“I haven’t,” I said quietly.

“It’s ok neither have I,” Teddy said.

“You haven’t ever kissed anyone?” Julian asked him frowning.

“I didn’t say anyone I said a girl. There is a difference and if I did kiss a girl I hope she’d be more important than just anyone,” Teddy said which caused everyone to look at him. He shrugged his shoulders, “I can be romantic. I think.”

Julian laughed, “You Romantic? You kiss your friends.”

“Maybe I’m trying too hard?” Ted asked quietly.

“Don’t dis him for being weird dude. His family is strange,” Quinn said shaking his head, “It’s ok man. Just keep telling people they do that in Europe.”

“They do,” Ted said.

“Not with their tongues,” Julian said, “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to make fun of you, really, I’m not. But…you know it’s…off.”

“Can we not talk about this anymore?” Teddy asked, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for anyone that I might have kissed.”

“We’re sorry too,” Julian muttered into his soda can.

Now that was funny. I took it to mean they didn’t want to be kissed by him. I knew it was confusing for me. However, he hadn’t given me tongue for which I was very grateful. Even though I felt this weird vibe coming off of him every time he went in the bathroom with me and I started to get upset because of the discussions we seemed to have there. Like he wanted to kiss me but he was…not doing it because you know, it’s weird.

“Sit and spin Julian,” Teddy said flipping Julian off, “Sit and spin.”

“Sit and…?” I started to question and then realized what that meant.

“Oh, dear lord,” Julian said laughing pointing at my face.

“See, told you,” Quinn said again, “Don’t think about it too hard Will. It’s ok.”

“I think he’s our perv detector instead. You know like every time we’re being perverted his face is going to tell everyone else in the room what we’re saying.” Julian said.

“It took me a minute,” I said shrugging my shoulders feeling the heat leaving my face.

“It’s ok, you’re young,” Quinn said, “I feel like you probably don’t know a lot of slang.”

“I don’t,” I admitted, “I’m 10.”

“That’s what I’m saying,” Quinn said, “Don’t be ashamed that you’re chronologically challenged. Embrace it.”

“I think he doesn’t want to embrace anything and that’s half the reason his face gets so red,” Teddy said.

“No, he’s too shy to embrace anything,” Julian pointed out, “But you’ll come if your mom says it’s ok. To the skatepark with us, right?”

“Yeah. I’ll come,” I said, “Just don’t make fun of me.”

“Are we hurting your feelings?” Quinn asked frowning, “If we are we didn’t mean it. We’re not trying to be mean we’re just…”

“No, it’s ok. I know,” I said, “I guess I just have to find a way to be less shy.”

“A lot less shy,” Teddy said.

I shook my head. I wasn’t going to address that in front of everyone. He was the one who told me the leader had a thing for shy guys. I sighed burying my head in my hands for a second wondering if that was what he had seen. Me muttering and stumbling over my words and if that’s why he wanted me now. My face going beat red when he looked at me making my throat feel dry and thick. Making it hard to speak.

“It’s ok,” Teddy said, “It will make life interesting though. Just means we can’t talk about dirty things in class with you in ear shot otherwise you’re going to let the fathers know. And either way that’s not a good idea.”

“I agree with that,” Quinn said.

“Where is Finn?” I asked realizing he wasn’t around.

“Honestly? He’s probably at home.” 

“Is he ok?” I asked.

“He got into some trouble, he’s all right though,” Ted told me.

“What?” my chest felt tight.

What had happened that he wouldn’t be in school. That they would make him stay home instead of making him come to school? What had they done to him? Was he ok? Was he…

“Look, he’s all right. He called me. Just some things got out of hand last night between him and his brother and so he’s at home. He’s really ok though. I can give you his number to call him if you want,” Ted told me.

“Please?” I asked him as Ted grabbed a piece of paper out of his pocket and wrote on it.

“When you get home after school you can call. He’ll be happy to hear from you. He likes you, you know?”

At that I felt the heat rush to my face again. God damn it. I sighed.

“I meant as a friend. Even though Quinn thinks you’re cute,” Ted said.

“HEY!” Quinn said loudly causing us to both look over. Now someone else was blushing.

“It’s ok,” I said, “Apparently I’m attractive.”

“Yes,” Quinn said clearing his throat, “Yes, you are.”

“huh…thanks?” I asked quietly.

“Don’t worry. No one I hang out with is like that,” Ted told me smacking my shoulder as the bell rang before we all got up throwing away our trash and heading off to class.

I felt like me finding people cute made me nervous too. I might as well hide up in the mountains and become a hermit. I sighed deciding that was my fate, hermit life in the mountains. it sounded peaceful if not slightly dirty. I wasn’t sure I could deal with dirt. It was something to think about though because the way I blushed they were right I was never going to be able to be around anyone especially when I started thinking about real sex with people actual sex.

“Something has you mortified?” Father Barney asked me as I sat down in my seat.

“No, Father I’m ok,” I answered.

“Good and now we are going to be talking about the life cycle of the beetle,” Father Barney said as I felt myself calm down starting to tune him out like I usually did.

When I got home the first thing I did was get to the phone and call Finn. I wanted to know if he was ok. Because he was my friend and he like never missed school. Me prepared to hear just about anyone’s voice on the phone.

“Hello?” I heard a thickly accented voice say into the phone.

“Hello, is Finn there?” I asked him.

“Ja, hold on,” the voice on the other end said before I heard muffled speaking in what sounded like another language before someone picked up the phone.

“Hello,” Finn said, “Who is it?”

“Will,” I said, “I was calling to see if you were ok. Teddy and Quinn said you were sick or something.”

“Yeah, or something,” Finn muttered, “I’m ok. I’m glad to hear from you though. The last couple of days you’ve seem really stressed.”

“I’m ok,” I told him, “Just a lot going on is all. I’ll be fine though. I got invited to the skate park tomorrow. I have to ask my mum if I can go still but, Julian and Quinn invited me and Teddy.”

“That’s awesome man. I wish I could come but I have cast on my arm right now,” he said, “So no skate boarding for me. I mean I could probably go as long as I don’t get on. Maybe you could borrow my wheels.”

“That would be awesome,” I said, “I don’t know anything about skateboarding.”

“We’ll teach you. It’s not hard. Just ask your mom.”

“What happened to your arm?” I asked him.

“I …was being incorrigible,” he said, “It’s not a big deal.”

“Are you saying that your Dad broke your arm?” I asked him.

“No, it was Wallace. I told him I wouldn’t do something and so he grabbed my arm and twisted until I agreed to it and by then my arm was broken. Of course, him and dad didn’t realize that until it started to swell and then they had to take me to the ER. I was there until like midnight which is why I didn’t go to school today. So yeah that was a fun night. Thrilling. Best night of my life.”

I laughed slightly. His sarcasm felt fitting for the situation. I had never spent a night in the A&E myself but it didn’t seem like it would be fun at all.

“I’ll be fine though. School on Monday. I’ll ask my dad if I can go. I know where it’s at. I’m sure he’ll say yes as long as I promise not to get on my board,” Finn told me.

“That would be awesome. I’m glad you’re ok,” I told him.

“Thanks,” he said, “I’ll talk to later all right?”

“Yeah, see you tomorrow hopefully. Bye,” I said before I hung up the phone.

“Mum?” I said going into the living room where she was sitting with Cat and the babies.

“Yes?” she asked me.

“Can I go to the skate park tomorrow with my friends? It’s the park that’s two streets over,” I told her hoping she would say yes.

“Which friends?” she asked me.

“Ted Larkin and Finn Huber,” I told her.

“Larkin? You mean Mr. Lord’s grandson?” she asked me.

“Yeah,” I said trying to hide how nervous hearing her say that made me. How upset it made me that she reminded me of their relation, “Can I go?”

“Three hours. I don’t want you walking home alone. So, have someone walk with you,” She told me.

“Awesome thanks mum!” I said, “Do you need any help.”

“The only help I need right now is knowing where your older brother is,” she muttered.

“John? Mum he had that tutoring session with his teacher remember?” I asked her.

“Yeah but the boys are almost home. He should be on his way home by now if he’s not here already,” she said before someone spoke into the com their face so close to it you couldn’t hear what they were saying mum standing up and going over to the one on the wall, “John love is that you?”

“Mrs. McGregor it’s Patrick something’s wrong. Something is really really wrong. You need to come here,” he mumbled barely understandable as mum handed Mary to me her eyes going wide in fear.

“Stay here,” she told me sternly before she got into the lift and headed downstairs.

So, something bad had happened. Like John said it would. He had told us that last night before he climbed into the shower. That he just wanted to shower so his teacher could rape him later. Apparently, he had. Poor John. I whole idea making me shiver. It didn’t take long for James and Mike and Matt to come home from school at that point. I didn’t see mum until around 6pm which was after she usually started making dinner. We usually had dinner at 5:30. Her arm wrapped around John’s shoulders as Pat waved at me from the lift.

“Who beat the snot out of you?” I asked afraid that something else happened that I wasn’t aware of.

“Doesn’t matter,” John sighed shaking his head at me giving me his best “I don’t want to talk about it” look he could muster.

“Hi Pat,” I said waving at him and smiling.

“Hey,” Pat said.

“Ok I’m starting dinner,” Mum shouted from the kitchen which we all but ignored John using the wall and Pat to support himself and keep himself standing.

“Hey, how are you doing?” I asked looking at both of them, “Was it Father Barren because you have bruises all over and what is that?” I asked looking at a big patch of white gauze on his chest.

“I got bit,” John mumbled shrugging his shoulders before he grimaced in pain.

“Ouch,” I said quietly, “Do they all bite? I don’t think I’ve ever been bit.”

“Yeah? Well, this is a bite,” John said and then pointed at another scar below his nipple, “This is a bite. I have like two or three more so just hope you don’t end up with someone that bites.”

Bites hard I thought glumly. Because Lionel had bitten me just not hard enough to leave marks. I didn’t have bruises from him biting me it had been so gentle just enough to cause a slight pinching feeling before he let my skin go from in-between his teeth when he had been doing it. I didn’t want to think about it. Shaking my head trying to clear it from my mind.

I wondered how they treated Pat. He didn’t talk about it a lot. Not hardly at all. At least not with me. I don’t what compelled me to ask but I did, “Have you been bit?”

“Huh…,” Pat drew out the noise for a minute or two it sounding like a low-pitched gurgle as he thought about it, “Yeah, a couple times.”

“Do a lot of them bite?” Mike asked us from the couch causing us all the turn and look at him.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to be having this conversation anymore. Realizing he was listening that he was paying attention to our conversation.

“I don’t know,” John said looking at him, “I’ve only been bitten by two people.”

Well, that was a relief. Maybe that meant they didn’t all bite, I thought to myself as John shrugged his shoulders Mike’s face falling slightly as he thought about it.

“I don’t want to get bitten,” Mike said sounding like he was pouting.

“Neither do we,” John said as Pat gave his hand a gentle squeeze.

“Why don’t we go chill in your room?” Pat asked John to which John smiled at him.

“Yeah, sure,” he said quietly before they turned walking down the hallway.

“Why did they just leave?” Mike asked me.

I wanted to tell him they probably left to go make out without an audience but decided that it would be too mean looking at him and sighing, “Thinking about being bitten probably upsets them. So, they went to go do something else.”

“Have you been bitten?” Mike asked me.

“Well from what I understand there’s different types of biting,” I said.

“Different types?” Matt asked whipping around the controller still in his hand.

“Yes, there’s like biting and sucking kind of. And it leaves a mark like…”

“OH! Like they do to John’s neck? He showed me that. How you do that. It seems like it would be fun,” Matt told me shocking me and throwing me off a little bit.

“Right…,” I said trying to figure out where I was going with this whole conversation, “Ok. Then there’s biting like…like hard like you know last year when Mike tried to take Cat’s doll away from her because she was hitting him with it and she bit him?”

“That hurt,” Mike said.

“That’s a type of biting too,” I said trying to figure out what else to compare it to, “But yeah. So different types of biting and some hurt worse than others.”

“You look nervous,” Matt said.

“I’m not…I’m…why does that sound fun to you?” I asked Matt.

“I don’t know,” Matt said, “It just does.”

“Well please don’t do that to anyone. It’s not comfortable,” I told him feeling my face heat up.

“I…,” Mike shot him a look to which he shrugged his shoulders, “Ok. I won’t do that to anyone.”

“Good,” I said.

I got up and walked away not sure what else there was to say about it. However, Matt, the way he had said that it sounded fun to give someone a hickey. Being in the receiving end of plenty of Hickeys I did not find it fun. It worried me though me going into the kitchen.

“Mum,” I said.

“Yes, love I’m making hamburger helper,” She said from the stove, “What’s going on?”

“Matt wants to give someone a hickey,” I said just blurting it out.

“Love, he’s 8.” She told me.

“I know he’s 8 but John said he got bit and so Matt asked if a lot of men in the brotherhood bite. And I tried to explain there are different kinds of biting and that happened to be one of the kinds and I told him and he said that John showed him how to do that and that it seemed like it might be fun,” I rambled.

“I will talk to him,” Mum said, “He’s having a hard time lately. I don’t know what’s going on with him recently.”

“What do you mean?” I asked her.

“Just he’s been saying off things. Andy fell down yesterday. I’m not sure where you were but he fell and landed on his butt and didn’t make a sound. Matt said that was a good thing that it meant he could take it like a champ. Naturally I told him that was not an appropriate comment and James asked what he meant and I told him it didn’t matter but I know it was…”

“Sexual? Yeah, I’ll say,” I said shaking my head, “Aren’t you worried he’s going to hurt them one day?”

“I’m working on some things so that we can properly be in a better environment. I’m hoping with some counseling he’ll stop whatever this is. I’m keeping an eye on him though I promise. I don’t need you to worry about that,” Mum said.

“He’s tried to hurt Andy before,” I said quietly.

It was something I had been meaning to tell her about for a while but I really hadn’t had a chance to her turning around to look at me the spatula still in her hand, “What do you mean?” she asked me.

“I’m not sure if he was really trying to hurt him or if it was something else but you were tired and hurt and downstairs. I went downstairs to talk to you and when I came up here he was on top of him. Holding him down,” I said quietly.

“You mean holding him down so he didn’t get into something?” She asked me.

“No mum,” I said shaking my head, “Everyone was screaming. Catherine and Laura were screaming and I came into the living room and he was on top of him. Pinning Andy’s wrists to the floor. Like he was going to hurt him.”

“When did this happen?” she asked me quietly.

“Early December,” I told her, “shortly after you came home.”

“Ok,” Mum said nodding her head, “I’ll take care of it. Since John’s not out in the living room with them could you please…”

“Yeah, I’ll watch them,” I said just as we heard a yelp from the living room both of us taking off towards the sound.

“Really?” I asked as Seamus started howling Mac pulling on his leg.

“Mac, you can’t pull on the babies,” Mike said getting up and grabbing him.

“He’s right Mac, they’re little tiny like you,” I told him taking him from Mike, “you have to be gentle with the babies.”

“Babies,” he said smiling at me.

“That’s right, babies. Have to be gentle with the babies,” I told him.

“Woo a boo-boo,” he told me looking at me.

“Ok,” I said.

“He just told you he loves you,” Cat said.

“Really?” I asked.

“Woo is Will and a boo-boo is I love you,” Cat explained to me.

“I love you too Mac,” I said kissing his forehead which made him giggle and clap his hands while I held him.

I’m not sure if that’s actually what he said or if he was saying something different but he seemed very happy with my response. Smiling at me.

“A boo-boo baby,” he said quietly.

“Aww, see?” Catty told me, “he said he loves them.”

“Well, I would hope he loves them,” I said, “Baby loves you too but you have to be gentle with baby ok?”

“Ok,” he said nodding his head at me before he kissed my cheek, “Woo a boo-boo.”

“I love you too,” I said again sitting down with him on the sofa sighing as I looked at Matt and Mike who were playing video games.

So, I had told mum. That he probably wanted to hurt Andy or that he had at the very least thought about it. That he was making remarks that seemed to be sexual in nature, adult. That he talked about kissing people, giving them hickeys. Apparently, Andy took landing on his butt like a champ which was associated with anal sex or pain in Matt’s brain. All of these things were bad. All of these things were very bad.

“Will? Dinner is ready can you help me get everyone into the nursery?” she asked me.

“Yeah,” I said standing up, “Mike, Matt can you grab Mary and Seamus?” I said.

“Yeah,” Matt said picking up Seamus making me slightly nervous as Mike picked up Mary and they followed me down the hallway, Andy and Laura trailing behind.

They didn’t have to follow us they just naturally did. It was like having ducklings almost them following whoever the tallest person in the room was which at that point happened to be me. Me putting Mac down in his crib before I turned and helped Mike and Matt do the same with Mary and Seamus before I turned around Mum coming into the room.

“I’m going to feed them; can someone tell John that dinner is ready?” Mum asked.

“I’ll do it,” James said running down the hall towards John’s room.

We were on the way back into the kitchen to eat when I heard James ask loudly, “What are you doing?”

I rolled my eyes opening they weren’t doing anything inappropriate but was pretty sure they were, “Guys why don’t you and Catty go sit down and eat, I’ll be there in a second,” I said to them.

I felt like the practically ignored me not stopping to even turn around and just kept walking towards the kitchen. My other thought was at least it wouldn’t a family affair imagining mum’s face if she saw whatever James had just walked in on.

“Uhhh…we were playing tickle monster,” I heard John say Pat letting out a small laugh.

“That’s weird,” James said and I saw his nose wrinkle from the door way, “Aren’t you too old for tickle monster?”

“Never,” John said coming over and grabbing James tickling him excited until he was laying on the door in the doorway laughing.

“Stop it tickles, it tickles,” James laughed John letting him go as he laid there on the floor laughing for a minute or two more before he caught his breath, “Were you really playing tickle monster?”

“Yes,” I heard Pat say from inside the room.

Tickle monster my ass, I thought. As I finally got to the door.

“You’re supposed to knock,” John told him.

“Sorry,” James said, “Mum said you’re not supposed to have the door closed earlier though and dinner is ready.”

“Where is mum?” John asked as I stuck my head around the door frame peering into the room.

Pat was sitting on the bed his shirt off him smiling and waving at me. So, I was right whatever they were doing was something the shouldn’t have been doing. I could only imagine how pissed mum would be if it had been her who had walked in and not James.

“In the nursery with the babies,” James told him.

“Ah well, these goes tickle monster,” John sighed.

“Why is Pat’s shirt off?” I asked them looking between the two of them knowingly.

“Oh, they were just playing tickle monster,” James told me.

“Yeah ok. Well, we’re going to leave them to play that by themselves and go eat. Why don’t you go and I’ll be there in a second,” I told James making sure he was walking away before I looked at them shaking my head. They had to be kidding me.

They were seriously in here making out with our little brothers and sisters running around and mum up here? Where they crazy? Were they looking to piss mum off and get her even more stressed out?

“Tickle monster? Are you kidding me?” I asked them.

“It was an on the fly answer,” John told me as I turned around shutting the door so that mum wouldn’t over hear.

“Ok well, let’s play tickle monster with our shirts on from now on,” I told him turning back around, “Don’t give him ideas. The poor kid is confused enough about the whole…life thing. So, let’s not make out with our boyfriends at home on this floor where tiny people who don’t understand things can walk in on us.”

“He’s not my…,” John tailed off turning to look at Pat, “Wait, are you my boyfriend?”

“If you want me to be,” Pat said his smile growing as he winked at John.

Yeah, they still had that eye thing going. Where you could tell what they were thinking Pat looking at him like that making my cheeks feel warm. It was weird. Seeing someone look at my brother like that and knowing he liked it. That he was probably looking at Pat the same way even though I couldn’t see his face.

“Ok, I got it,” John said turning back around smiling widely at me before running his hand through his hair.

“This is weird for me,” I said.

“What is?” John asked.

“I don’t know maybe you and…,” I said moving my hands in their direction.

“Why?” John asked frowning at me.

“Because you’re…I don’t know John, ok? I don’t think you’re gay,” I told him.

He had never seemed gay before. I had a hard time picturing him kissing guys in my head. Picturing him with anyone in my head really but for some reason I had a hard time still believing that it was true. That my brother was sneaking around kissing another guy. Kissing Pat of all the other guys in the world. It just seemed weird.

“He’s not and neither am I. We’re just into each other,” John said quietly, looking at me while his tongue touched his back molar.

So, he was nervous? I was nervous. I was nervous that they were going to get caught and then none of us would be allowed to ever leave the house again because she’d be too afraid we were making out with other boys all over the place. Like my life wasn’t hard enough? Like I didn’t have a hard time making friends to begin with. Surely this would get out. That our mum was so afraid we were gay we weren’t allowed to have friends. And I was maybe slightly gay so she had every reason to worry about it. And then what if she told someone she thought I was gay and it got out and then the whole school knew? Then no one would talk to me. I mean Teddy and Cole seemed cool with it and Finn didn’t seem to have a problem but, that didn’t mean everyone else would be ok with it. 

I sighed thinking about, “Well, whatever you are if it’s not with a girl keep it away from mum. I don’t want her to hate me because she thinks your gay and then she finds out I might be.”

“Mum doesn’t hate me, I don’t think. And I know she doesn’t hate you,” John said looking at me before walking over to the bed and sitting down next to Pat who had at some point put his shirt back on, “She’s just into the whole catholic thing. Probably because it brings a sense of control to her life.”

“Probably,” Pat said in agreement, “I think she’ll get over it at some point. I mean when you grow up screwing your dad and uncle someone is bound to turn out liking dick.”

Did he really think me wanting to hold hands with Cole had to do with me wanting someone to…do that with? I wasn’t there yet. I mean my brain knew there was a possibility that I might decide I wanted to try that someday but, I kind of just wanted to hold his hand a little bit. And I had totally gotten to earlier and it was nice and exciting and exactly what I thought it would be. It felt so nice to just know he cared enough about me to hold my hand. Why did there have to be anything else to it?

“It has nothing to do with that. I don’t think,” I said, trying to think about it. Think about what Pat was implying.

That maybe I only wanted to hold hands with Cole because of the things Da made me do. The things Uncle Ben made me do. For some reason I didn’t think that was it. But that maybe it was just me. Sure, it was a little wrong and confusing but, I didn’t remember ever liking girls. Not even in nursery school or first year when I had girls in my classes at school. I never remembered wanting to play with them, or spend time with them. They just didn’t…they weren’t interesting.

“But you don’t know for sure,” Pat said looking at me closely.

“Well, the way that certain guys make me feel has nothing to do with my Da. I’m sure of that. It’s not like I imagine jumping into bed with them, just like other stuff. Like what you two do type of stuff,” I said feeling my face turn warm thinking about it. Thinking about how even though his hand had been cold it was nice and soft and not rough like the leader’s hand. How it felt kind of nice when he gave my fingers a light squeeze to let me know he was there, that he cared about my feelings. How he didn’t let go even when we had walked away a bit. Like he wanted to keep me with him, to make sure I was ok.

Pat learned forward wrapping an arm around John’s shoulder smiling at him before he glanced back at me, “What type of stuff do you think we do?” Pat asked me.

“Like cuddle and kiss and hang out,” I answered shrugging my shoulders feeling my face get even warmer.

They didn’t do more than that. They couldn’t. Just the idea that my brother might be doing that with someone making me feel a little weird. How could he even want to after everything? After Da and all of them. Was it like Cole said. Sometimes being with someone else just made you forget for a little while. Made you feel better? Was it really worth trying. Did it actually work? Did it feel any different from them? I mean people said it did but, it was hard to imagine. Hard to try and understand what it might feel like. How it might feel different.

“Ouch!” Pat said looking over at John and then back at me, “Well, you huh…. I feel awkward explaining this to your brother John,” Pat said looking at John and resting his head on his shoulder for a second.

“Will,” John asked me looking at me as he looped his arm around Pat’s back, “What do you think dating entails?”

What did I think dating entailed? Kissing, watching movies together. Doing fun things together. Cuddling, holding hands. I knew that’s what dating entailed. At least normal dating. Normal dating for someone their age. For someone my age if people my age even dated which at my school they didn’t because we were all boys but I knew 11-year olds dated. Older boys in my grade bragged about dating. How they went to the movies and spend dinner at their girlfriend’s house while they watched TV with her parents or played board games with siblings. That’s all dating was, was spending time together. Spending time together with someone you weren’t afraid to touch, someone who didn’t make you feel gross or remind you that you were a loser. Or that you were worse, dirty.

“What you do,” I answered him simply.

“Well, yes but as you get older when people care about each other they…”

Was he seriously trying to give me the sex talk? He was probably about 2 years too late.

“I’m not five. I’m very aware of what sex is. I have it just about every night John, I’m not stupid. I realize that yes, when people care about each other they might, oh I don’t know? Have sex together but you do realize I’m not even 11, right?” I asked him.

“Yes, but our lives aren’t normal. We’re not normal. Our life is sex. There is a good chance when you find someone if you decide you’re into guys he’s going to be in the brotherhood too and his touch will erase all of the ones you don’t want so you might feel like you want him too…touch you in certain ways that you can’t imagine yourself enjoying now,” John said to me, his eyes soft like he was trying to be understanding, like he wanted me to listen and he was telling me some big secret.

He thought I didn’t know that? How would he know anything about…they hadn’t? There was no way they had done that, “Wait. Are you saying you two have done that?” I asked.

“Not exactly,” Pat muttered quietly.

“There are certain things that I’m not comfortable with and I’m not going to discuss it with my brother,” John said to me simply.

“So, what? You’ve had sex with him?” I asked. I felt so shocked. When would he even have had time to do that? When would…why? How? “What was it like?”

“Oh, geeze we haven’t had sex, sex, no,” John sighed, “There was a camera point at us…we were making a movie and not because we wanted to.”

“Right,” Pat said softly, “It’s something they do. If I do recall correctly though we had a little bit of fun that night after the camera was off.”

“Yes,” John said turning to look at Pat and kissing him on the cheek, “We did but, it wasn’t sex.”

Pat smiled at him before he leaned in close whispering something and grabbing John around the shoulder with both arms biting into his ear lobe causing John to laugh as he fell backwards onto his bed so they were laying down. Were they kidding me? Were they…My brain had a million questions. Including what did it feel like to make out with someone and not have them holding you hostage so you couldn’t breathe until they let you go? Until they stopped pushing their tongue into your mouth. Did it still feel that hard to breathe? Was it still scary? Did it make your heart race?

“Shhh,” John said giggling as he looked at Pat, Pat leaning over top of him slightly John’s hand rubbing Pat’s back under his shirt.

I almost felt like I should leave but, did that mean they had sex or they didn’t? And they hadn’t told me what it felt like. Why it was different, “So,” I said pausing to see if they were paying attention both of them sitting up, “You guys did have sex?”

“Will…” John started to say before Pat cleared his throat.

“No, you know what? You can tell him. I’m going to go eat and get a drink and you two; chat. Be brothers. Like just tell him since he seems so interested to know. But, I feel like it would be less awkward if I wasn’t in here so I’ll go eat,” Pat said before getting up and walking past me, shutting the door behind him.

John sighed putting his forehead in his hands for a second, “Will really? You had to scare him away?”

“Sorry,” I said quietly, “I just want to know what it was like.”

I don’t know what he saw in my face but he sighed heavily at me. Looking at me closely. Maybe he saw how worried I was about all of it. About what he said about us not being normal. About how one day I might meet a boy that I wanted to do those things with. If he saw my questions there about whether I would ever be able to bring myself to do them without being afraid. Afraid that it would be like all of them. That it would never feel how it was supposed to however it was supposed to feel for normal people. For people that weren’t like us.

“What part? The part where we had sex on camera or the part where the camera was off?” he asked me quietly his eyes soft as he pat the empty spot on the bed side him.

I walked over and sat down looking at him, “Both? Like what did it involve? Was it like Uncle Ben or was it different?”

“Well,” John said like he was really thinking about his answer, “Each person is different so each time is a little different because I’m sure it’s no secret to you that Da makes me do stuff with different people. I’ve told you that. However, it was different another way like I was the one…” he paused taking a deep breath his face turning the same color as his hair, “on top.” He finished quietly.

“You stuck your penis in him?” I asked.

I probably looked half retarded. I could feel the expression my face, my mouth and eyes wide open in shock as I stared at him. They let people do that? To like…each other. Then I thought about it. That did make sense when Cole said sex with each other someone had to be on top. I mean you couldn’t have sex without having someone be on top, be the one penetrating the other person.

“Yeah. It felt different,” he said his face still red.

“What did it feel like?” I asked.

He sat there silent for a moment staring at the wall behind me, this goofy smile growing wider on his face by the second before he shrugged his shoulders still staring at the wall like he was in trance of some kind, “Well…like I said…it was…different.”

“The goofy look on your face is telling me it was a good different,” I said.

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head.

He looked like he was thinking about it. Thinking about what it had felt like maybe to do that with someone. To be with someone like that. Like he had enjoyed it in a way that he couldn’t explain. Couldn’t even begin to describe.

“What about when the camera was off?” I asked him.

“Well,” he said looking at me, “You know that thing that we really really can’t stand?” he asked me.

“You mean when Ben sucks us off or Da yeah?” I questioned, “What about…” he had another goofy look on his face. He had let Pat go down on him or he had done that to Pat? “Really? Who did it to whom?”

“Well, it didn’t really happen but almost. We made out a lot though,” he told me.

“Oh,” I said. So, they had almost had oral sex. But only almost? What had stopped him. Had it been too weird? Too scary? Had it felt like Ben? I wanted to ask so many questions. I wanted to know if he could be normal because if he could then maybe one day I could. Maybe I would ok. Maybe I would find someone who loved me and how I wasn’t afraid of. Someone who wouldn’t force me to do those types of things anymore but who would do them with me because I wanted to and not because they were making me.  
“But did it feel weird?” I managed to voice, “Was it really different from what Uncle Ben and Da do?”

“Yes and no,” he said my heart jumping a little bit. If it was the same I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t ever want to do it. But, he kept talking, “Like all of the sensations were the same but different. I like it but it was weird. Just like really weird. I think I got too scared and that’s why it didn’t go farther but, it was scary in a different way. I like the way he feels on my skin. But, that makes me nervous. I don’t know why.”

“Because it reminds you of bad things probably,” I said giving him my honest opinion.

“Yeah,” he answered nodding his head, “I mean I want to be able to but, it makes me feel like I can’t breathe. I always feel like I can’t breathe.”

He said that quietly almost a whisper, frowning at nothing again. I understood how that felt. How your chest felt so tight the air almost hurt pulling it in and out of your lungs. How you wanted to scream but knew you couldn’t. Because screaming would only make it worse. That it was better if you just laid there and let them do what they wanted. Let them hurt you because if you didn’t fight it, it would be easier. It would be over faster. Because while being in your skin might be barely bearable without them touching you when they were touching you, you couldn’t stand it. You didn’t want to be alive at all let alone stuck in your body feeling it. Feeling all of those things, they made you feel.

“Me too,” I said quietly after a minute, “How have you been since…you know and then Father Barren?”

I asked him since we were kind of on the topic. Since Dom had kept me from checking in on him earlier. I know he didn’t like talking about it but, I needed to know he was normal, at least normal for him. That he wasn’t thinking about hurting himself. That he wasn’t thinking about drinking or doing other things like that. I didn’t want him to hurt even though I knew he was. I wanted him to find comfort and that was something Pat, seemed to help him with, seemed to be able to give him.

“Well,” he sighed before turning around and showing him his back and pulling up the back of his shirt.

He had what looked like knife marks going down both his shoulder blades. Covering the marks from only days before where Uncle Ben had dug into him. Had Barren really taken knife to his back to carve on him? What kind of sick twisted person did that? Why would he want to hurt him like that?

“Ouch,” I muttered, “What did he do?”

“Dug his nails into my back while he nearly suffocated me,” he barely whispered.

Had he told anyone this? Did anyone know that this guy had tried to kill him earlier? Why would he do that? What was the point of that? Of trying to kill my brother. John would never hurt anyone so why would he try to kill him? It didn’t make any sense to me.

“I’m sorry,” I barely managed to say.

“He almost drowned me,” John said his back still to me as he let his shirt fall back down.

Yeah, he had been seriously trying to kill him. At least that’s what my 10-year-old mind kept telling me. That he had been trying to kill him for no reason other than he wanted to. Other than he was sick and he had wanted to take my brother from me. Take one of the very few people from me that made me feel safe, and loved and needed. One of the very few people I was sure wouldn’t judge me for anything that had happened to me. For anything that people had made me do or that I might think. But one of the people who loved me and wanted me around for just being me. For simply existing and not because I was cute, or sexy, or shy or whatever else you could think of. But just because I was there and I was his brother.

Those things were enough for John. Enough for him to want me around and to want to keep me as safe as he could. It didn’t matter to him how many times they hurt me, he didn’t want them to hurt me again. It didn’t matter if I wanted to kiss a boy or a girl. It didn’t matter that I was smart, or funny, or anything else. He wanted to protect me because I was there. Because he was older and he felt like it was his job to keep me safe. Not because anyone told him it was but because that’s the job he wanted.

“Are you serious?” I asked him. My heart hurting for him yet angry all at the same time. Thinking about how someone had tried to take him away from me. From us. How I was lucky that he was sitting on his bed next to me and my world wasn’t falling to pieces around me.

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head as he turned around, “Don’t tell anyone.”

“Uncle Ben made me suck him off in the pool. I almost drowned once,” I admitted thinking about it. Thinking about how scary that had been.

“I didn’t know that,” John sighed looking at me sadly, “Usually he’s the one who…you know.”

He meant he was the one who liked doing that. Sucking you off. He did. He liked it a lot. Not as much as Lionel and Da seemed to though. Lionel and Da their tongues went everywhere. Just thinking about it making me shiver. Making me wish I could think about something else.

“I thought Da was more into that,” I said quietly.

“I think Da’s into anything that will make you squirm,” John said quietly after a minute or two of silence.

“Da scares me,” I admitted to him, “He tells me I’m his…that I’m his cock slut. That I belong to him.”

His eyes went wide as he shook his head balling his hands into fist. I wasn’t expecting that reaction him scaring me making me back up slightly. Did he think that was true? Was that why he was mad? Was he made at me for being that? 

“He says stuff like that to me too,” John said his voice breaking, “He once told me that I’m fun and mum’s work. God this is so fucked up. He shouldn’t ever say something like that to you. Not ever.” He said shaking his head as he started to cry.

It was hard to not believe it. When he said that. I knew that’s where wanting to kiss boys lead was to that. So maybe he was right. Maybe that’s what I was. It was hard to argue that he shouldn’t say that to me when that’s what I thought I was. When I knew that’s probably a part of the reason some people wanted me the way they did but, I couldn’t say that to John. I couldn’t admit that to John. He would either agree with them and hate me or he’d fight with me about it. Insisting that it wasn’t true. I didn’t have the energy for that conversation in that moment so I sighed.

“Yeah. At least he’s gone for a little while. At least we can go to the movies. I’m not sure Da would let us do something like that.”

“Probably not,” John agreed looking up whipping at his eyes, whipping his tears away, “You’re not going to tell mum about Pat and me. Are you? I kind of lied and told her nothing happened besides kissing one time.”

“I’m not going to tell,” I promised, “Just because I’m hoping she won’t hate me when I fall in love with someone because I know it won’t be a girl. I don’t want her to hate me.”

John smiled sadly at me putting his hands on my shoulders like he was going to hug me, looking at me closely, “I don’t think mum could ever hate you Will. She loves you. She’s just struggling just like we are.”

I hoped he was right. That she wouldn’t hate me once she found out what I was. That Da was right. There was a slight knock on the door as John hugged me for a second before he cleared his throat.

“Come in,” he said.

Pat popped his head back into the room smiling as he looked at us, “Is everything ok?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said smiling nodding my head taking the meant Pat wanted me to leave so he could be alone with John. So, they could have some time by themselves without me and confused six-year old’s, “Thanks John, Pat,” I said standing up, “I’m going to go eat and do homework and stuff.”

“Ok,” John said smiling at me, “We’ll talk some more later if you want, all right?”

I nodded my head at him smiling as I shut the door leaving them alone and going out to the kitchen. I was surprised to find Matt still eating with mum and Andy at the table. The idea of mum being there making me feel calmer. Usually Matt was one of the first ones to finish eating though and then I heard the conversation they were having.

“So, you understand then? Why you can’t do that? Why it’s scary for me to hear you did that?” she asked him.

“Yeah, I understand mum. I didn’t mean anything by it through I promise. I would never hurt Andy. I swear I would never hurt Andy,” Matt said looking at her.

“I know you don’t want to. But if you have thoughts like that I want you to tell me ok? Even if it’s just thoughts. Not because I want to punish you but because I want to help you so those thoughts go away ok? Your Da used to have those thoughts even when your brothers were little and I used to ignore how scared and upset they made him until…until he couldn’t stop himself from thinking them anymore and they turned into actions. You understand?” mum said to him.

“If I have those thoughts I need to tell you so you can help me before I hurt someone,” Matt said to her summarizing what I had just overheard.

“That’s right. I know you’re a sweet boy and you would never want to hurt anyone but, it’s something that because Da is the way he is I feel worried about ok? So, you promise you’ll tell me?” She asked him again.

“Yes mummy, I promise,” he said using his most sweet and charming voice he could before he stood up and hugged her, “Can I go now?”

“Yes, you may,” she said before Matt grabbed Andy’s hand and kissed it, just a small peck.

“I love you Andy,” he said.

“I wub boo,” Andy replied making both Matt and mum smile before he walked away.

“There, you are love,” Mum said, “Pat said you wanted to talk to John alone for a little bit. Is everything ok?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “I just…I wanted to make sure he was ok.”

It was half the truth. I wanted to make sure he was ok. That he hadn’t been hurt too bad and I wanted to know if…if he thought I would ever be normal. If he thought anything about me would ever be normal and what those things felt like. I didn’t want to tell mum that part though. That I was wondering about those things with boys because I figured she’d be mad. That she would hate me for it and blame me for it, for everything.

“Are you convinced he’s ok for now?” she asked me to which I nodded my head.

“Good, I’m going to get Andy and Laura down for bed and then Cat. Considering it’s almost 7:30. Can you eat and then make sure you rinse your plate and the boys are brushing their teeth so they can be in bed by 8:30?” she asked me.

“Yeah mum, no problem,” I answered her.

“Thank you love, you are such a big help,” she said kissing me on the forehead before she pulled Andrew out of his booster seat and headed down the hallway.

Was I was finishing my plate I heard the lift kick on making me freeze. I knew it couldn’t be Da because Da was already gone to New York. He had left early that morning. I froze listening to the lift and when it opened I expected Uncle Ben to come out but instead it was Dr. Palmer, sighing heavily as he rubbed his temples frowning. 

I hadn’t even realized he was in the house him turning and seeing me out of the corner eye smiling at me before he frowned seeing the look on my face, “Are you ok?” he asked me quietly coming over.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “I thought you were Uncle Ben.”

Dr. Palmer nodded his head sitting down at the table with me, “I actually just got off the phone with someone about your Uncle. Him and the Leader came to an agreement about certain things.”

“Yeah, I already know. He’s allowed to touch me but he can’t physically hurt me and he’s not allowed to use his mouth,” I said feeling my face grow hot thinking about it.

“I know it’s hard,” Dr. Palmer said, “We’re working on figuring something out.”

“Not fast enough. Lionel’s a bad person and you know it,” I said looking at him.

“Yes, he is,” Dr. Palmer said, “I actually came up here to talk to your brother and Patrick, where are they?”

He started to get up from the chair where he had sat down next to me. So that was it. He wanted to tell me what Ben could do to me? What good was that going to do me. Telling me that and then telling me he was sorry.

“Do you think mum will hate me?” I asked him making him turn back around as he started down the hallway.

“Why do you think your mum would hate you?” Dr. Palmer asked.

“Because I…I held hands,” I said my brain blanking out a little bit as I felt the anxiety of the thought engulf me, making me shiver and shake a little bit.

I loved my mum. I loved my mum so much and I just wanted her to love me too but, I knew she wouldn’t love me if she knew I wanted to hold hands with Cole and not some pretty girl. I knew she’d be mad at me and probably blame me for things.

He came over and sat back down, “Why do you think she’d hate you for holding hands with someone?”

“It was Cole,” I said quietly.

“Did Cole do anything else?” he asked me his face going a little dark.

“No,” I said shaking my head, “he told me he’d never do that. That I’m too young.”

“Good. At least we’re in agreement there,” Dr. Palmer said, “Honestly, I think the idea scares your mum but I don’t think she’d hate you for wanting to do those things. There’s many reasons why someone might hold hands with a person. Because they’re friends or family, because one is leading the other somewhere. Because they’re trying to comfort each other or they are scared. It doesn’t have to mean something romantic at all. I think the idea of you being different, of your life being any harder than it already is, is hard for her and that’s why the idea upsets her. Being a homosexual isn’t easy. People might want to beat you up or even kill you. Not as much as they once did but, it’s still not an easy life. I’m sure you understand why that might scare your mum.”

“It’s not just that she says it’s a sin,” I told him.

“Well, it might be a sin. I can’t say for sure if it is or not since you know I don’t have any direct contact with the man upstairs but, I will tell you one thing. Jesus died in order to forgive us for our sins, in order to save us. No sin is any bigger than any other one. A sin where you aren’t hurting anyone. I have a hard time believing that God would send someone to hell for those ones and being gay doesn’t hurt people. That and doesn’t God teach judge not lest ye be judged?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I answered him, “So even if it’s bad God will forgive me?”

“Yeah but I honestly don’t think it’s bad. God made us just the way we are for a reason. He wanted you to be this way. I don’t know why but, I don’t think there is anything wrong with you Will. Ok? Just…if Cole touches you. I want you to tell me.”

I wrinkled my nose. Why? Why would he want to know if Cole did that? I was positive that if Cole ever did that to me it was because he wanted me to and I wanted him to, not because he was forcing me. Was he really afraid Cole was going to hurt me?

“Cole wouldn’t do that,” I told him.

“Cole has been known to get friendly. With mostly older boys but, he takes some substances that can alter one’s judgement and he could…get uncomfortably close under those substances I’m afraid. So, if he touches you let me know,” Dr. Palmer repeated.

“Kris already told him not to mess with me,” I said.

“Well, at least Cole, Kris and I are in agreement,” Dr. Palmer said, “Let me guess guy has blue eyes and blond hair?”

“Blue eyes and light brown,” I answered as Dr. Palmer nodded his head, “Well, you don’t need Cole messing with you especially right now. I mean the brotherhood as long as you aren’t contracted if you weren’t both bottoms would be excited because it meant Cole was turning tracker which is what they want.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, him preying on someone younger than he is would be an indication the he doesn’t want to leave the brotherhood. So, he’d get a warning and told to stop but otherwise they would be happy. They like age differences. Big age differences. Recently I’ve been getting yelled at because I have recontracted Flynn and he’s at the age where …this is his last contract. After that he either needs to make his declaration of his intent his first one or he needs to sign his confidentiality agreement. I keep telling him he needs to sign. That he doesn’t want to be stuck in this with me. That and if he does decide to stay they’ll expect him and I to be together and declare a partnership or go to Canada and come back married, adopt children and then…” Dr. Palmer trailed off sighing.

“Abuse them. Or let other people in the brotherhood abuse them,” I finished and he nodded his head.

“I will never give them a child. Not ever. Over my dead body will they abuse any child I have. I’m here to get you guys out of this not bring more of you into it,” he said his voice sounding hard, angry just thinking about it.

“Kris said well he didn’t say it to me but he basically let Cole know that I’m…I’m his type,” I mumbled thinking about what Cole had said how Kris had been warning him to keep an eye on me. That my shyness was something that would attract him to me.

“Last time I checked Kris didn’t touch kids and he avoided them like the plague,” Dr. Palmer said misunderstanding me.

“No, not Kris,” I said, “Him.”

“Yes, he has a very serious type. He almost never deviates from it. Shy, quiet, nice, he likes fair eyes and fair hair however he’s been known to step away from that for a while. He seems to pick guys who decide they are homosexual. Not brotherhood type necessarily but like the normal healthy kind of homosexual. So yeah, you’re all his type.” Dr. Palmer told me making me shift uncomfortably.

“If I change will he stop?” I asked him.

“Well, you’re in a contract so no. Not now,” Dr. Palmer told me.

“Is it wrong I keep hoping he’ll change his mind?” I asked him quietly.

“No,” Dr. Palmer said, “There’s nothing wrong with hoping that. Not at all. He won’t though. It’s a year. So, by this time next year when you’re almost 12 you’ll be done. He’ll have moved on to his next boy. He’s been doing this a long time. As long as you don’t make him mad he’s not violent. He’s not like your Uncle or Arthur or Hank. So, I think you’ll be ok.”

“I don’t want to do it again,” I said shaking my head, “I want him to just leave me alone.”

“What did he do?” he asked me.

I felt the leader’s hands on my skin, his tongue, his teeth biting into my ankle before he licked the spot until the indents of his teeth left. My face feeling hot. I didn’t want to think about it. No, he wasn’t here. He wasn’t here. This wasn’t…

“Will, Will? What do you see?” Dr. Palmer asked me.

“The…the kitchen island,” I said.

“Ok, focus on it. What is it made out of?” he asked, “Slow even breaths, you’re ok. What’s it made out of?”

“Wood and marble,” I answered quietly, “It’s white with a black marble top. The fridge is behind it,” I kept going, “Next to the fridge is the microwave and next to that is the kitchen sink. It’s metal and has a garbage disposal above it are the cabinets that match the kitchen island and the counters.”

“Better?” Dr. Palmer asked.

“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head, “Better. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I understand, you don’t have to. I shouldn’t have asked and I’m sorry that I upset you,” he said.

I still felt the anxiety that was trapped in my chest even though I wasn’t feel what he had done to me anymore. What the leader had made me do. My whole body shaking as I sat at the table feeling frozen.

“I’ll be back I have to go talk to Patrick and John,” he said.

I watched him walk away down the hall, poking his head into the nursery and saying something to mum as she came out. Talking to him for a few minutes before he pointed at me her coming towards me as he went down the hall to John’s room.

“Are you ok love?’ she asked me.

“I just…,” I shook my head.

“Come on. How about we watch your brothers play video games for a bit?” she said touching my shoulder gently as I got up out of the chair.

When we made it to the living she held her arms open and I hugged her burying my face in shoulder as we sat down on the sofa. I closed my eyes letting myself relax, breathe her in. Her smell of flowers and something else. I allowed myself to feel better. To believe that everything was ok because I was with my mum. That she loved me and she’d make me feel better.

“It’s ok love,” Mum said hugging me, “I know it’s hard it’s ok. We’ll be ok.”

I hugged her with my eyes closed. I didn’t want this to go away. I didn’t want her to find out about me. She’d hate me if she did. I knew she would. I didn’t want her to hate me. I didn’t want her to tell me that I was bad, that I was…what I was. I didn’t cry even though I almost wanted to. Just so she could tell me it was ok that there was nothing wrong with me even though it would be a lie. Her running her hands through my hair and making me feel loved. Feel safe.

At some point John and Pat came out of his bedroom and started using the phone. John using the phone as Pat sat down on the sofa. I could hear that he was talking to Dom and just as he hung up the phone it rang again. “It’s me,” he said into the phone before laughing loudly and replying to what the other person said by saying, “Yeah only for the night.” He listened silently for a minute before he spoke again, “Hold on I’ll ask,” before he came towards us a few steps and then decided to shout, “Mum Cole wants to spend the night too.”

“Ok, that’s fine. It is Friday,” she said.

Did she just agree to let Cole spend the night? Cole of all people? That was awesome. I got to have someone spend the night on Friday, got to the skate park on Saturday and go see a movie on Sunday. That was awesome. That left hardly any time for Uncle Ben to pull me aside and hurt me for once in my life and I got to hang out with people. To me that was super exciting.

“She said yeah,” John said into the phone before Cole said something back and then John hung up the phone.

“He’s going to be here in 10 minutes and I’m almost done eating so can I go downstairs and wait for him?” John asked mum who was still sitting with me.

“John, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. Your Uncle is downstairs,” Mum said just as Dr. Palmer walked out of a bedroom down the hall way.

“What were you doing?” I asked him standing up trying to figure out which room he had come out of.

“I was using the restroom. Everyone is ok, they’re all asleep,” Dr. Palmer said smiling at me, “He’s a very protective brother, isn’t he?”

“They both are,” Mum sighed, “It’s ok Will, love. Dr. Palmer would never hurt any of you.”

I wasn’t so sure about that. I mean Vic seemed like a nice guy but, he wasn’t helping me. At least I didn’t feel like he was. No one was helping me. I didn’t want to be his. Especially after everything Cole and Ted had told me. That he was going to make me do horrible things to people. I didn’t want to be any more bad than I already was. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. Cole had warned me that it happened to everyone. It had happened to Pat and John but, that didn’t mean I wanted to do it. Or that I was ok with it.

“Your mom is right. I won’t ever hurt anyone. All of you are already hurting enough as it is. I don’t see it getting any better until some things can change,” Dr. Palmer said, “Well, I’m on my way out. I hope all of you have a good night.”

“I can go with him,” Pat said, “John I mean. It’ll be two against one if your Uncle is down there and if we don’t come back after like 15 minutes you can come looking for us.”

Mum seemed to think about it for a second before she answered, “Ok, go on then. Avoid him though guys and be careful, all right?”

They both got on the lift with Vic and headed downstairs. I really hoped they’d be ok. If Vic was a nice guy he wouldn’t leave until he knew they were safe. Until they were back upstairs.

“Well,” Mum said standing up, “I’m going to go check on everyone in the nursey. You boys have another half hour and then I want you heading to bed along with Cat and James ok?” Mum said to Mike and Matt.

“Yeah mum,” Mike said.

“I’ll stay here and read,” I said picking up my book which was on the coffee table and moved to the chair. I wanted to seem unexcited but I was actually very excited. Cole was coming over. 

I mean if I didn’t have to be with anyone this weekend because there wasn’t time and the leader wasn’t coming over. As long as no one found out, maybe…maybe I could do more than hold his hand. Not that I wanted to have sex with him. I didn’t want to do that, that was way too far but maybe kiss him. Just a small kiss.

I thought about it deciding I was going to try it and see what it felt like. That it didn’t have to mean anything. That we didn’t have to do anything beyond that. That all of that would be ok. I was going to do it. I was going to kiss Cole.

Then I heard the lift kick on and waited. Waited until it opened and there they were. There he was. My throat feeling tight as I put my book down, “Hi Cole,” I said quietly.

“Hey,” Cole said sitting down on the couch smiling at me, “What’s going on?”

“Grand theft auto,” Matt said before I could say anything.

Cole frowned his nose wrinkling as he looked at the TV long enough for the character to punch an old man, “Aren’t you a little young for that game?” he asked Matt.

He did have a point but mum had been sitting here with me watching him play. Cole smiling at me as he sat back.

“Nope,” Matt replied not taking his eyes off the TV.

“Ok, whatever,” Cole said smiling at me and shaking his head causing me to smile back.

I felt my face getting warm and cursed myself as Pat got up and got a drink before plopping himself back down on the Sofa next to Cole, “What was that?” he asked him.

“Nothing,” Cole said.

Joh sat down on the other side of Cole and whispered something in his ear that made Cole’s smile grow even more before he looked at me closer, “Hey Will.”

John smacked him on the shoulder and Cole sighed looking at him, “Don’t hit me. I was just saying hi.”

“You already said hi,” John pointed out.

“Come on, let’s go listen to some music,” John said standing up.

“Sure,” Pat said, “I’m in. It sounds fun. Come on Cole.”

I sighed figuring that they were leaving to smoke cigarettes and drink and do whatever it was they did. I could tell from looking at the way Cole’s eyes were slightly dilated that he was already high. That he had probably snorted something on the way over but, he didn’t seem to have a fit of the giggles. His pupils were so huge you could barely see the blue of his eyes.

“Will, you want to come?” Cole asked standing up.

“Huh,” did he seriously just ask me if I wanted to hang out with them? Sure, I’d hang out with them,” Sure,” I said setting my book down by the couch and standing up.

John and Pat shot each other a look that Pat shared with Cole as we got into the room Cole standing in the corner as John fiddled with his alarm clock looking for a station.

“What?” Cole asked smiling almost starting to laugh.

And there were his giggles. The giggles that seemed majorly contagious. He smiled at me.

“You are too high to be here,” Pat said smiling shaking his head.

“Am not,” Cole said, “It’s better than being home.”

“True,” Pat said, “Hey Rabbit do you have some…,”

“Of course,” John said bending over and pulling a bottle out from under his bed, “Don’t I always?”

“You’re such a fucking drownder man,” Cole said before he started giggling as John uncapped the bottle and took a deep drink before handing it to Pat, “By the way Will you tell mum you’re dead.”

“I figured,” I said shaking my head.

It was weird to see this side of my brother. Him laughing and happy. Drinking with his friends. This wasn’t a side of John I had ever really seen before but, he seemed so unlike himself. Less serious and more like a normal teenager.

“OH!” Cole shouted as this one song started playing with a slow deep base, “I gotta dance to this!” 

He said before he stood up waiting for the song to start picking up the lyrics coming out with a slow electronic beat as he started rolling his hips slowly lifting his shirt. Before he dropped to the floor humping it.

“…You let me violate you  
You let me desecrate you,  
you let me penetrate you  
You let me complicate you

I felt my face start to flush as Pat crowed with laughter, “You’re not stripping man keep your clothes on…”

“But that kind of ruins it a little bit,” Cole said shrugging his shoulders before he did this weird robotic move with his arms standing up and rolling his hips again as he winked at me.

Was he seriously…I looked over at John who was watching him dance too, his eyes wide as he stared at him. But, my thought was “is he seriously about to take off his clothes.” Cole looking at both our faces before he fell over laughing hysterically. Before he managed to stand back up thrusting his hips forward into the air doing a weird robotic move again.

I had never seen anyone dance like that. Him throwing his shirt on the top of my head as the song ended, “there I kept my clothes on,” Cole said looking at me before he started laughing, “Can I have my shirt back?”

“Yeah,” I said handing to him.

I could feel that my face was warm. It had been warm the moment he had lifted up his shirt. You wouldn’t think he had defined abs being as skinny as he was but he did. He was actually really fit. Not that I saw him naked a lot but I had seen him naked a couple of times. But not being locked in a cage together it was a different environment. More relaxed.

“You are so red right now,” Pat said taking another drink from the bottle John had handed him, “I told you guys! I told you he could dance.”

“Yes, yes you did,” John agree nodding his head his eyes still as big as saucers.

“I feel like I owe you dinner,” I whispered quietly but apparently not quietly enough because John and Pat bursts out laughing loudly as Cole sat down in front of me crossed legged.

“It was all for you,” he said.

My chest felt tight. He had danced for me? Done that for me? To impress me? Why though?

“Me?” I asked him feeling the frown on my face.

“I think you’re cute,” he said his smiling growing so big I thought his jaw might fall off as he winked at me again.

John let out a loud low groan falling into the Pat’s lap, “Oh god. That’s my brother.”

“So?” Cole asked gesturing towards Pat, “He’s like my brother and I know you’re getting dirty with him.”

“Yeah but he’s our age and Will is 10,” John pointed out.

Why did everyone keep telling everyone else I was 10? I knew I was 10. I couldn’t forget I was 10 between this and all the other shit I had going on everyone told me I was 10 at least once a day. I didn’t need to be reminded.

But, I didn’t feel 10. Not ever. Not between Da, and Ben and Lionel.

“So?” Cole said his eyes widening a little bit showing just how dilated his eyes were, “I’m 13, almost 14.”

“I’m almost 11,” I said looking at my pant leg picking a piece of lint or something off it.

“I don’t care,” John said taking the bottle from Pat and sitting up, taking a drink, “It’s not happening.”

He was telling me no? So, he wasn’t telling Cole no. He was telling me no. I had enough people telling me what to do. He had no right to tell me what to do. I sighed getting on my knees and leaning forward before I pecked Cole on the lips, him not stopping me as I grabbed him by the neck. Him kissing me back his tongue flicking across the inside of my mouth making my heart dance and my stomach flutter before I stood up feeling all the heat my body could contain in my face.

“You’re not my boss,” I said looking at John as Pat screamed loudly.

“HOLY SHIT!”

I sighed and opened the bedroom shutting it behind me. Waiting for my face to cool down. Waiting for my body to calm down. It hadn’t been scary at all. It had felt happy and exciting. Not anything like them. Me trying to even out my breathing hoping John wouldn’t tell mum.

Tell mum I had kissed him. But, he had kissed me back. It hadn’t been rough or forced but more probing, exploring. It hadn’t felt hard or rough at all. My first real kiss with someone that I wasn’t related to. Someone that I wanted to kiss.

I walked away after a second hearing the laughter. Wondering if they were laughing at me. Because I was just some kid. A 10-year-old. Because I didn’t know anything about anything or at least that’s how I’d been feeling lately. Wondering if I had made a mistake. If they were laughing at me because they knew I was a loser. That I wasn’t worth anything. That I was just Lionel’s boy, his slut.

I walked away to my bedroom shutting the door. Maybe it was better that they just thought I was some stupid kid. Maybe that was better if that’s all anyone thought of me. I felt like crying. It had been a good kiss, a nice one that didn’t feel anything like them but I felt …dirty still. Like he would never really care about me.

I heard their pearls of laughter as they took the lift down me figuring that was that because no one came to get me. That my night was about over as someone knocked on my bedroom door me hoping it was Cole or John to tell me they were sorry for laughing. That they didn’t mean anything by it only to hear mum’s voice on the other side of the door.

“Will love?” Mum asked.

“Yeah?” I asked opening the door for her.

“Are you ok? They all just went downstairs and you came in here so. Did something happen? Did John make you leave them alone?” she asked me.

“No mum, I’m just tired. I’m going to go to bed,” I lied.

“Ok,” she said nodding her head, “They are older than you are. It’s ok for you to not feel comfortable around them. It’s ok to have hard time William.”

“It’s not that mum. I’m just tired.”

“Ok Well, I just put everyone to bed so I’m going to head downstairs. Go to sleep. You’re going to bed as well?” she asked me.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Good night mum. I love you.” I told her giving her a hug.

“I love you too,” she said before I shut my bedroom door.

The lift turned on and she went downstairs. I wondered if I had made a mistake. Kissing him, letting him kiss me. I sighed turning off my bedroom light wondering if taking a shower would make me feel better, less dirty. I was about to get up and go shower when I heard a knock on my door.

He didn’t wait for me to answer coming in after a second. He looked at me awkwardly shutting the door behind him pressing his back to it. Did he think I was going to hurt him? Try to kiss him again?

“Will,” Cole said quietly, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have and I’m sorry that…”

“I kissed you,” I said quietly.

“Yeah but there’s a reason why everyone keeps saying how old you are. You’re not ready for that. You’re not ready for any of this. Ok? I shouldn’t have told the way I am. You’re too young,” Cole said.

“Just wanted to know what it was like,” I said quietly shrugging my shoulders, “To kiss someone.”

“Listen,” Cole said sitting down on the foot of my bed, “One day you’ll find someone you want to kiss. That wants to kiss you back when they’re not high and being stupid. And that person will want to be with you and make you forget all about them. But, I don’t think that’s me. Would I like it to be? Maybe one day but not right now. I saw the look on your face when you ran out of there. You felt beyond mortified. I don’t want you…. I don’t want to make you feel that way about yourself. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“I thought they were laughing at me,” I admitted.

“No, they were laughing at me because I was making a fool of myself. They weren’t laughing at you,” he told me, “When I get too high I do stupid things. I should have pulled away. I shouldn’t have flirted with you.”

“I was ok with it,” I said.

“Only because of him,” Cole said.

That wasn’t true. It had nothing to do with him. At least I didn’t think it did. It had to do with having something that belonged to just me. Having a choice about what I did that I could own.

“You might not see it now but it is. You wanted some control. So, you took it. I understand it, trust me I more than understand it. If you were older I’d jump on you right now just to feel like I have some control. If you’d let me,” Cole said, “That’s not a healthy way to do it though. You seek it that way you’ll never be normal.”

“You want to kiss me?” I asked him.

He smiled lightly before looking at me, “If you were older I’d do more than kiss you. That and you’re his. He doesn’t like it when his boys do things without him.”

My heart sank. I didn’t want to be his. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that he got to…and then I couldn’t say no. But I wasn’t allowed to say yes to anyone else. It wasn’t fair.

“I know,” Cole said nodding his head at me as I realized I was crying, “Let it out it’s ok.”

“It’s not fair,” I barely managed to mumble before I started crying.

“You’re right it’s not,” he said quietly opening his arms for me as I threw myself forward into them crying.

“IT’s not fair,” I whispered again.

“I know just let it go. Just get it out,” he said as he let me sob into his shoulder him rubbing my back gently.

At some point he laid down in bed with me letting me cry. Holding me and telling that it was ok. That I was ok. Him holding me as I cried. When I was done crying he sighed looking at me, our faces inches from each other.

“It’s not fair. I’m sorry. If I could change it for you I would,” Cole whispered to me dragging his fingers lazily through my hair.

“I just don’t want to be his. Why can’t I just be mine?” I asked him.

He didn’t answer his eyes forcing on mine. His Adam’s apple bobbing as he looked at me. I sighed closing my eyes before I felt his lips touch mine. Because I felt him kiss me his hand still in my hair. I wasn’t sure what we were doing but it felt different from before. From earlier. Still patient and kind but less rushed. It causing me less anxiety.

You would think it would have caused more anxiety because no one was there. We were laying on my bed in the dark. But, no. I relaxed into it. Letting him kiss me, his kisses eventually leaving my lips and trailing to my neck surprising me. I don’t remember hearing the lift turn back on. The only thing I knew was my door opened without someone knocking the light flipping on.

“OH goodness! William…Cole!” She said her eyes wide staring at us.

My heart beating so fast as Cole rolled off the bed I felt like I was going to die. Like this was it. This was where she told me the truth. Where she grabbed me by the arm threw me down the basement steps telling me it was all my fault and let Uncle Ben have me. Let them …

“Mum…I’m…”

“Cole could you give me a minute alone with my son please?” she said Cole’s gaze going from her to me.

“Before you blame him. I’m sorry ok? I kissed him. I shouldn’t have and I…”

“ENOUGH!” Mum screeched, “Go find John and Pat. I need to talk to my son.”

He sighed nodding his head shooting me an apologetic look before he got up leaving my room. I didn’t dare to look at her until I heard the bedroom door close. Her eyes were cold, dark as she shook her head slowly at me in disbelief.

“You know how sinful that is?” she asked me.

“Mum I’m…” she broke off my words not letting me speak.

“I understand you have problems. That this isn’t easy. It’s not easy for anyone but that doesn’t mean you get to go around turning your back on everything this family believes in,” she said sitting down in my desk chair, “How could you do that? How can you and John just…” she trailed off shaking her head.

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly, barely above a whisper, “I know it’s my fault mum and I’m sorry.”

She looked at me her eyes wide in shock, “What’s your fault?” she asked me.

“If I wasn’t…if I didn’t…they wouldn’t,” I said trying to explain it. Trying to tell her what I thought.

That if I wasn’t gay they wouldn’t do things to me. That they wouldn’t hurt any of us. That life would be better. 

“No love. I think you have it wrong. I think they do it and that’s what made you so confused. I don’t think it’s the other way around. Not at all,” Mum said looking at me.

“I don’t know mum,” I said pulling my knees into my chest sitting up, “Even back home I’d find boys kissing sometimes. And I wondered what it felt like. If it was…” I trailed off find it hard to explain.

“You think that’s why Da hurts you? Because you might like boys?” she asked me.

“Maybe,” I said quietly.

“Da hurts you because he has problems. Not the other way around,” she told me, “You’re just confused. He’s got you boys not knowing what’s up and what’s down. I just wish you weren’t acting on it William, you’re 10 years old. I know Da has done some bad things to you but, that doesn’t mean you have to let …people do that to you.”

“I kissed him mum,” I said, “You can’t be mad at him. I kissed him. He came in here to tell me it was bad, that it shouldn’t happen and …there’s a lot going on mum.”

“I know there is,” she said, “I know but, with your Da gone hopefully it will get better.”

“It’s not just Da mum. It’s other things. I’m …I don’t want to talk about it but it’s other things and I just want to be mine. I don’t want to belong to him,” I said.

“Oh love,” she sighed, “We’ll figure this out. Everything will be ok in the end you’ll see. I just need time.”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “Don’t be mad at him please?”

“I think he’s as confused as you are. That all of you poor boys are. I can’t blame you for it. For not understanding and knowing what’s going on. Not when someone does that to you. I don’t blame him but I will be having a talk with him and explaining why that’s not ok.”

“He knows it’s not ok mum. He told me so himself. He said some guy,” I sighed trying to think of a reason why he might have done it. Other than we were attracted to each other and I had wanted him to and he had wanted to even though it was wrong and we both knew it, “Some guy when he was my age he made him do stuff with other boys. It screwed him up. I don’t think he even wanted to kiss me. That it just happened. So please don’t be mad at him.”

Mum sighed heavily, “You poor kids. Those poor boys,” she muttered, “Ok. I will still be talking to him about it though. When Cole and Patrick are here I want you to keep your doors open. I will not have this going on in my house especially someplace where James or Cat can just open the door and walk in. Do you understand?”

“Yes mum. I understand,” I told her nodding my head.

“Good. Now I’m going to leave you in here on your own with the door cracked. I want you to get some sleep and I will go have a talk with your brother,” she said before she got up kissing me on the cheek, “Goodnight again. I love you.”

“I love you too,” I told her, “Can I still go to the skate park tomorrow?”

“I’m going to say yes. Because I know where this behavior is coming from. Not everyone you know can have these problems and Mr. Lord’s grandson is going and I know he’s upstanding people. So yes, you can still go,” she told me.

I felt like I’d been hit in the chest with a stone. I wanted to tell her right then and there. That this was because of him. Because I was his and I didn’t want to be his. That when he had taken me to the zoo it hadn’t been the first time he’d seen me. That he hadn’t just shown up there but had been there since after she had gotten home and been pulled away from the motel. That when I had gotten him he had raped me. That he had made me do things. That he wasn’t the good guy she thought he was. That he didn’t just have feelings of affection for me because I was his grandson’s friend and reminded him of Teddy but because he wanted to do those things to me. To bite and lick and kiss me and other things.

I just turned over though keeping in mind Vic’s warning. That I couldn’t tell her anything until we were safe. That Lionel could make her disappear, take her away forever. I couldn’t deal with her disappearing. I needed her too much. I closed my eyes and somehow, probably out of pure exhaustion, fell asleep.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will is woken up by Cole in the middle of the night to be told that mum is taking John to the hospital because he is injured. He then ends up going to the skate park and out to lunch with some of his group of friends where he learns more about them. Finding himself suprised by them because not all of them are what they seem to be. He gets to know Todd a little better who he hasn't had much interaction with (fun fact about me: Knew a kid named Todd when I was young. very quiet shy guy (much like Will) told me about the time he was almost kidnapped out of the blue one day, very strange guy but he was sweet.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 249 to 286. I'm doing a lot of Will updates right now because you're nearing the end of John Part 2 so I don't want to move too fast. Will probably drop his updates down to once every other week. However that also means you're nearing Will POV of the escape which will be interesting. There are a lot of things he includes that happen to him before they even attempt the escape where John skipped over the last two weeks they spent at home. Will is even going to describe the escape for you. So that should be interesting. And then he isn't going to cover Montana in a huge amount of detail but in more detail then John did John only describing that last day and his relationship with Heather really. So I'm working on Catching Will up a little bit to John (I haven't even started writing the escape yet I'm close but not there yet.) This is again a lot of dialogue character development for Will's friends and somethings that maybe you haven't seen about other characters as well. There are a lot of heavy warnings here talk about **infantophilia**. If you don't know what that is I'm sure if you know what pedophilia is you can figure out what infantophilia is so just fair warning right there. **Warnings: talk of rape, talk of child sexual abuse, talk of infantophilia, self-esteem issues, mental health issues, homophobia. John's pov part 1 chapter 28**

At some point someone knocked on my door making me sit up. It was 1am. It was late. I just hoped it wasn’t uncle Ben coming into my room.

“Hey, your mom had to take John to the ER.” Cole said quietly.

“What?!” Now that woke me up, “Why?”

“Him and Pat got into some …your Uncle Ben and Tony,” Cole said, “He might have a broken arm.”

“Again? He just got his cast off,” I said.

“Yeah, I realize but Pat and I are watching the babies and what not,” Cole told me, “So they could go. I just thought I’d let you know so if you did wake up and they weren’t here you didn’t freak out.”

“Who is Tony?” I asked him.

“The director?” Cole asked me sighing at the clueless look on my face, “He makes videos for them. He’s kind of …gross.”

“They make videos?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” Cole said, “You have any idea how many I’ve been in?”

“No,” I said shaking my head, “Just keep an ear out if anyone cries or anything let me know and I’ll get up and take care of it.”

“Nah,” Cole said, “Pat knows how to do it. I think he’s feeding them right now.”

“With what? He doesn’t have boobs,” I said which caused Cole to snort with laughter.

“I’ll remind him of that. You do realize you guys have formula, right?” Cole asked me.

“Oh yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Well I’m going back to sleep for a while.”

“Ok,” Cole said coming over, “Go back to sleep.”

“I’d love to but you’re watching me,” I said quietly.

“Oh shit,” Cole said, “Yeah. Sorry, I’ll leave.”

“Thank you. Come get me if you need me but I’m supposed to go to the skate park tomorrow at like 11 so…,” I sighed.

“Can I come?” Cole asked me.

“I guess so,” I said, “Goodnight.”

“Yeah, night,” Cole said shutting the door behind him.

I don’t know why but I woke up three hours later. The sun not even up and I went to check on everyone finding Cole and Pat in the nursery.

“What do they feed these kids?” Cole muttered, “It’s going up his back practically.”

I heard this through the door before I opened it up to find Cole using the changing table holding both of Seamus’ ankles in one hand looking at his butt and lower back which was indeed covered in green poop. Cole’s face wrinkled in disgust as he looked lost trying to figure out what he should do next. Pat clearing his throat.

“He’s not hurting him. I taught him how to change diapers a couple hours ago,” Pat told me.

“I didn’t think he was. That is not a job for an amateur though,” I said going over and surveying the scene.

It was all the way up his back even on his onesie. I sighed as Cole looked over moving out of my way and letting me take care of it grabbing the shoulders of the onesie and pulling them down. Causing Seamus to fuss.

“Awe baby, it’s ok. It’s ok little guy,” Cole said to him rubbing his head, “Poor boy it’s just cold, isn’t it? Say but it’s so cold. Why am I naked?”

“Because I’m going wipe him down with baby wipes and get all the poop off,” I said.

“I know that,” Cole said shrugging his shoulders, “But he’s little. He doesn’t understand that.”

“Well he’ll understand in a minute that he has a clean butt,” I said causing Cole to laugh as I started wiping him down cleaning him up causing him to fuss more. Mary starting to make sounds like a she was a kitten. Starting to fuss because her brother was fussing.

“Mine is crying now,” Pat said from the rocking chair where he was sitting with her.

“They do that. All of them. Mike and Matt, Laura and Andy. When their this little one cries the other one cries,” I said getting another baby wipe continuing to clean Shay up.

“That bites,” Cole said.

“Well when that one gets loud she’ll wake up Mac and then it’ll be a real party,” I said smiling, “I know little boy I’m almost done. Big brother is almost done. You’re almost clean.”

I took another wipe wiping the last bit from his butt and around his parts and then got the baby powder before I put a new diaper on, “Cole you want to dress him?”

“How do I do that?” he asked me.

“Well, we’ll put jammies on without a onesie. Grab a pair of footies,” I said to which he handed me an outfit of made of fleece covered in little footballs and baseballs.

“Good, now you just put the little tiny feet in,” I said grabbing one of Seamus’ feet causing him to smile at me and giggle as I kissed the bottom of.

“There’s a happy boy,” Cole cooed at him, “They are so cute.”

“Yeah, they are,” I said, “And then you just zip…and snap,” I said pulling up the zipper and then snapping the snap at the top.

“Are you ever scared for them?” Cole asked me his eyes sad.

“All the time,” Pat answered for me and I nodded my head.

“I can understand why. Considering the stuff I’ve heard,” Cole said.

“What have you heard?” I asked Cole.

“Rumors from handlers about your Dad why he was allowed to join. He started doing things to John young. When he was like really young. I’m not even sure John knows,” Cole said.

“You haven’t told him any of this have you?” I asked my stomach feeling sick.

“Are you kidding?” Pat asked me shaking his head, “No. Never. I wouldn’t do that to him. You know what that would do?”

“Nothing good,” I said, “Have you heard anything about…”

“You?” Cole asked me and I nodded my head.

“Apparently he talks to my dad some about stuff. He talks about how he wanted to but how your mom never let you out of her site until he agreed to go to this counseling center. How she put you guys in boarding school to make sure your contact with him was limited. Because she knew that he was dangerous,” Cole said.

“And yet she stayed?” I said more to myself than to them.

“She loved him,” Pat said, “It’s hard to understand but, if you love someone sometimes you do stupid things. Like kiss them when you’re not supposed to. Trust them.”

“Why didn’t she leave?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” Cole said giving me a sad smile, “I wish she would have. I wish that Pat’s mom would have. I know you wouldn’t be a part of my life now but, it would worth it to know you guys were happy. If you guys were happy somewhere. I’d hope most people are happy somewhere.”

“You said you were 10?” I asked him and he nodded his head.

“Yeah. Almost 10. Not as young as some people but, still took a lot to get used to,” he told me.

“I…,” I didn’t know what to say to that.

How could you ever just get used to it? Is that why he told me he got around because all of it was just a hand shake to him? He couldn’t be used to all of it. I mean he would barely talk to Teddy. Teddy who he had…I didn’t know what to say.

“I didn’t mean that. I meant just like my Dad. You never get used to that. He kind of threw me into that part,” Cole said.

“Do you guys want me to go so you can talk about this?” Pat asked.

“Talk about what?” I asked Pat.

I was trying to gage how much he knew. I knew Cole and he talked. They were brothers. They told each other things. I just hoped he hadn’t told him that. I saw Cole shake his head out of the corner of my eye.

“Look,” Pat said standing up and handing Mary to me, “He didn’t tell me who. But he said you have a contract. And that its new and you’re having issues.”

“But Cole has only had one contract,” I said.

“I know. But, we’re not supposed to talk about that stuff,” Pat told me, “I mean we do. I know who it was but I don’t know what happened because he doesn’t talk about it. And I don’t ask. So, do you want me to leave?”

“Yeah,” Cole said, “You can come back in a little bit.”

“Ok,” Pat said nodding as he walked out of the nursery and shut the door behind him.

“I didn’t mean that. You never get used to that. Having a camera pointed at you. Him inviting people over when you go to his house so they…,” Cole trailed off.

“Camera’s?” I asked.

“He likes to video tape it sometimes. It’s not …other than it being horribly embarrassing it’s not that bad because he usually doesn’t share those. I mean sometimes he will but not always. Most of the time not at all. Sometimes he’ll use you for introductions to the brotherhood as whole. Like guys who are just learning that it exists and then he’ll…he usually drugged me for that though. The first three times he did it I didn’t even know it happened. I woke up feeling sore figuring it was him. It wasn’t,” Cole told me.

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked him.

“Because it will happen to you. Hopefully not right away but, it will. He has a pattern. He gets to know you, takes you places, does nice things for you. Buys you stuff. Trying to get you to just accept that maybe the ...the rape is something you owe him.   
Something you let him do because he’s done nice things for you.

Then he’ll start letting other people come along on your trips. Sometimes it will be adults or other kids. And it’ll be weird because he won’t touch you. He won’t make you touch each other at first after three or four times though that will change. It starts with kissing, and touching and then it gets worse. He’ll touch one of you while the other one watches.

Eventually he’ll make you do it in front of him. Do that to each other. He makes you…use your mouth. Makes them use theirs and then. Then he’ll join you. And then he’ll drop you and switch to them. He did it to me and Kris, then he did it to me and Ted,” he said, “Kris and I fuck because we’ve done it before and without him there it doesn’t have to feel bad. I stopped for a while when I was with Justin. But Justin is gone now and Kris doesn’t mind it. It gets the feeling of them off his skin and off mine,” Cole told me.

“Just Kris?” I asked him.

“Usually. I mean I’ve done things with Christian to but for the most part Christian is straight. He’s had girlfriends. As close to one as he could. I mean you get caught before 18 with a girlfriend or boyfriend they don’t like it. If it’s someone who isn’t associated they punish you. If it’s someone who is they make an example of you,” Cole said.

“I don’t want a boyfriend. I just wanted to know what it was like to kiss you. To kiss someone that wasn’t one of them. Da made me make out with John. My first kiss was with my older brother,” I told him.

“I’m sorry,” Cole said, “It happens to a lot of bottoms though. Especially younger ones. James’ first kiss will probably be one of you. Not to mention…,” he said gesturing at the room around us. Meaning Andy, Mac and Seamus.

“I hope we get out. Mum’s trying. She said she’s going to get us out,” I told him.

“He’ll bring you back. If you’re in a contract with him he won’t stop looking for you,” Cole said, “I’m sure if the people who do this, get people out knew. They wouldn’t even try.”

“That’s why Vic doesn’t want me telling anyone?” I asked myself.

“Probably. He really wants to save you guys for some reason. I don’t know if it’s because he feels something for your mom or John or what but, he’s really trying to get you out. I talk to Flynn still. Flynn is Justin’s brother we’re still close. I think Vic just wants to stop it from happening to as many people as he can and you have three brothers that haven’t even been touched and three sisters. I think he wants to get them out before they get hurt. And with the rumors about your Dad the sooner the better,” Cole told me.

“Yeah,” I agreed.

“I really hope it works. I do. You don’t deserve this. The things he’s going to do. You don’t. None of you deserve this,” Cole said grabbing my hand.

“Neither do you,” I said quietly.

“I’m used to it now though,” Cole said.

“That’s not true. If you were ok with it, used to it. You’d be able to talk about it and you can’t. You nearly cried in that bathroom with me. You could barely look at Teddy,” I told him.

“Teddy is 11. He was seven when we…,” Cole went silent, “I can’t stand to look at him because it reminds me of what I did to him.”

“He didn’t give you a choice,” I told Cole.

“No. he didn’t,” Cole said.

“You heard Teddy. He forgives you,” I told him.

“I can’t imagine …being able to forgive myself for that,” Cole said shaking his head, “But anyway. It’s good if she’s going to try and get you guys away again. Hopefully everything will be ok.”

“I hope so too,” I said.

“Have you thought about helping your mum?” he asked me.

“How?” I asked.

“Well, you do know how to hack a computer according to John…,” Cole said.

“Yeah, so?” I asked him.

“If I were you I’d see if I could get into my dad’s emails and print some of them out. Between him and other brotherhood members. Give them to the police where ever you are going,” Cole said.

“How would that help?” I asked.

“The police will turn them over to the FBI. It could take down everything Will. Stop the whole thing where it is right now. All of those kids they’ve taken could go to homes where no one would ever do that to them. All of the kids they’ve kidnapped could go home. The whole thing could be stopped,” Cole told me.

He was right. All it would take was some emails and it would all be over. No one would have to get hurt. No one else would have to suffer. If we got out. Wouldn’t he know though? That I was in his computer? Wouldn’t he be able to tell what location they were from?

“How would I do that without him knowing I was looking at them though?” I asked him.

“There has to be a way. Does it actually tell the location the emails are being read at?” Cole asked.

“Not if they’ve already been opened,” I said.

“Then focus on those. As long as he doesn’t clean his trash file the emails will still be there and most people don’t so I doubt he does,” Cole told me.

“Ok, I’ll take a look at it later. For right now I’m going to go back to sleep. You probably should too since you want to go to the skate park with me,” I told him.

“You’re right. As soon as your mom and John come back I will,” Cole told me.

“Ok, see you later,” I told him.

“Yep,” Cole said and I walked out to see Pat standing in the kitchen holding someone. Someone tiny but all of the babies and Andy and Laura were in the nursey.

I went into the kitchen to hear Pat talking softly into James’ ear as he held him, “You’re ok. John and Will are ok. None of the bad men are here. Your Mum and John just had to leave because John had a boo boo that’s all. They’ll be back.”

“No, he took them,” James whimpered, “He took them.”

“No bud,” I said coming in them both turning to look at me, “The bad man didn’t take anyone ok?”

Pat smiled and handed him over to me.

“I went to your room and you weren’t there. I thought…he took you so I went to tell John and he wasn’t there either. Then Pat saw me and he told me that Cole was in the nursery with you but he wouldn’t let me go in. I thought he’d taken you away and you were never going to come back. Not ever,” he whimpered into my shoulder.

This poor kid. Mum said he wasn’t doing well at school because he was worried about everything. Like he had separation anxiety. It was because of Da and Lionel. Because of what they had done to him. One of the many reasons he kept climbing into bed with me.

“Well, no one took me anywhere. I’m right here. I was just having a private talk with Cole about some stuff. Do you want to go to bed?” I asked him

“Will you come to bed with me? Or can I come to bed with you?” he asked me.

I didn’t want him to but I felt like he wouldn’t actually go to sleep and stay sleeping if he wasn’t with me. So, I gave in smiling, “Yeah you can come to bed with me.”

“Ok, because I don’t want the bad man to come,” he told me.

“He’s not going to come,” I assured him, “I promise he’s not going to come here ok? He wants to be with Da and Da is in New York. The bad man is with him ok?”

“You swear?” He asked me.

“Yeah, come on. Let’s go back to bed,” I said, “Thanks Pat.”

“No problem,” he said, “You guys done talking?”

“Yeah,” I told Pat.

“Come on kiddo,” I said to James, “Back to sleep and I’m sure when mum and John get home they will tell you everything.”

“Ok,” he said, “Willy?”

“Yeah?” I asked him.

“I love you,” he told me.

That made me smile. It made me not worry about what Cole had suggested or why it was taking so long for John and mom to get done at A&E. I was glad to know that he loved me. That they all loved me.

“Ok bud. I love you too,” I said carrying him off to the bedroom and climbing into bed with him.

“Will?” he asked me as I pulled the covers over us.

“Yeah?” I asked him.

“Is he really with Da?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

“Are they doing to other people what they did to me?” he asked me.

I figured they probably were but, I didn’t want to tell him that. I didn’t want him to know. He was too little. He was already scared of being at school because he was afraid it meant mum was going to get hurt or someone else. That the “bad man” was going to hurt us. He didn’t need to know other little kids were probably getting hurt. So, I smiled at him holding him close.

“Don’t worry about it ok? I don’t know if they are or not but hopefully not,” I said.

“I really hope not too,” he told me, “Because they don’t have a Willy and a mummy and John to take care of them like I do.”

“It’s ok bud. Hopefully they do have someone,” I said, “Let’s try not to think about it and get some more sleep.”

“Ok,” he told me settling in next to me.

Next time I woke up it was nearing 9 am me waking up when James crawled over top of me to get out of the bed and use the bathroom. He looked tired. Like he had a hard time sleeping but, I felt ready to get up. Ready to get off and go to the skate park with Finn and Teddy and everyone else. I was excited that I had even been invited.

You have to understand I was the quiet kid. The one who was younger than everyone else and smarter than everyone else. Or at least that’s what they thought. I would often hear off handed comments from the guys in class while the teacher was teaching or if they asked a question to the class they would often say “why don’t you ask McGregor he knows the answer. He knows everything” I got picked on a lot for being shorter than everyone else because I was younger so naturally I was shorter. I was surprised I wasn’t being picked on more.

That Finn and Teddy along with Quinn, Julian and Todd didn’t all pick on me too. Sometimes someone would say something mean to me as they passed me at the lunch tables and I knew Finn and Quinn would give them dirty looks. I knew they stuck up for me but I still found it hard to believe they would want to hang out with me. That they actually liked me enough to invite me somewhere with them.

When I left the room after getting James to lay back down for a while I found mum up feeding Malachay in the kitchen, “Hi mum is John ok?” I asked her.

“Yeah just a sprain. Do you know someone named Tony?” Mum asked me.

“No,” I said shaking my head, “Why?”

“He was here last night. With your uncle,” Mum said before sighing.

“What?” I asked her numbly.

“They got a hold of Pat and John last night. Speaking of…you are not allowed to…”

“It was one time. It was a mistake and I’m sorry. It won’t happen again,” I told her again.

“Ok. I believe you. That’s not what I was going to say though. I don’t want you going downstairs by yourself. I will be walking everyone to and from the bus stop as long as he is here and your Da is not. He seems to have issues controlling himself. He was hurting John last night. Pat came and told me what was going on and I intervened. So, when you are ready to leave the house let me know,” she said, “I’ll walk you out.”

“Ok mum,” I said, “Cole told me that he makes movies. Tony.”

“Ok,” Mum said nodding her head, “Don’t worry about what happened with Cole. I don’t want you to think that’s what I think of you. I just worry.”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “Cole wants to come with me. To the skate park.”

“Ok well, I’ll walk you and Cole down then,” she told me.

“Well I should get dressed and what not. We’re meeting around 11,” I told her.

“Go get dressed then,” she said.

It didn’t take me long to get dressed and then I sat down and ate something before Cole came out of John’s bedroom already wearing his clothes and grabbing something to eat. When we told mum, we were ready we both walked out. Before Cole cleared his throat.

“Mrs. McGregor? Can I talk to you about something?” Cole asked.

“Sure,” she said, “Will if you want to start walking you can I think Cole wants to talk alone.”

“Ok mum,” I said, “I’ll walk slowly.”

“Not too slowly,” Mum and Cole said in unison.

“Ok then, not too slowly,” I said walking out the front door and starting down the drive way. It didn’t take long for Cole to catch up him smiling at me.

“What happened?” I asked him.

“Nothing,” he said, “Let’s just say your mum agreed to something that I am more than happy to do.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“Don’t worry about it,” Cole said, “However I think she likes me now.”

“Really? After she caught us I thought she might kill us,” I pointed out.

“Well, don’t worry about it now. I would love to hug you but…,” he shrugged his shoulders before he muttered something taking a step or two in front of me so that I had to stop walking and look at him, “It’ll be better soon, ok?”

“Ok?” I said feeling my eyebrows raised as he looked at me, “Do you think a kiss on the cheek counts as kissing?”

“I have no idea why?” I asked before he leaned in and kissed my cheek wrapping his arms around me, giving me a hug.

“You had a really good conversation with her then?” I asked.

“Best thing I’ve ever done in my life,” Cole assured me, “Now off to the skate park.”

It didn’t take us long to get there. We could already see Finn and Julian in the distance as we walked up them waving me over excitedly when they noticed us approaching. Finn had been right about his condition when I talked to him Friday a cast on his left arm.

“Hey, what happened to your arm?” I asked him.

“Nothing,” Finn said, “Don’t worry about it. Teddy is on his way. His grandpa doesn’t let him walk anywhere so he’s driving him. Hi Cole.”

“Hey,” Cole said smiling, “How are you guys doing?”

“I’m good. How are you? How is Lydia?” I asked him.

“Still 4 months old,” he told me, “I’m ok I guess. Mostly just tired. The weekend always makes me feel tired.”

“The weekend always makes you tired?” Cole said, “My weekend is usually long and hard and shoved up my…”

“Eww no,” Julian said shaking his head, “Mine too so just no.”

At that I laughed, “Sorry,” I said sheepishly as Julian eyed me.

“Your dad?” Cole asked.

“Sexton, Joseph,” Julian said.

“Who is that?” I asked.

“Really? I thought he was more into girls,” Cole said.

“Sometimes. He’s not really picky on it. I wish he was,” Julian said.

“Sorry to hear that,” Cole said.

“It is what it is,” Julian said shrugging his shoulders, “I thought you were here to learn how to skate board?”

“I am. And to hang out,” I answered him.

“Well, what you want to do…” he said putting his board on the ground is his right foot near the front of the board, “Is use it like scooter kind of. Just put it down and use your back foot to push you forward, give it one good push and then.” He jumped slightly shifting his weight as his used his back foot to propel himself forward but that foot on the back of the board as he coasted along the pavement. Showing me how to do it.

“What if I fall?” I asked him.

“You better hope you fall on your butt,” Julian said, “Finn your board.”

Finn put it on the ground, “Go on. Try it out.”

I sighed putting my right foot on the front of the board, feeling slightly unsteady as if the wheels wanted to roll on their own. Wanted me to move forward before I was ready to. I had never been on skate board before. I had roller bladed sometimes but, never really skate boarded. It felt weird. The board under my foot as I stood on it before I gave it a small push forward trying to balance myself on it before I fell backwards. A weird vibration going up my back as I landed on the pavement under me.

“Are you ok?” Finn asked standing over top of me smiling offering me his casted arm to help me up.

“I’ve been through worse,” I said as black Limo pulled up when Finn helped me to my feet.

I felt cold even though the air was a mild 60 degrees. It might as well have been 50 below. Cole looking up at what I was looking at. Watching the black Limo, him coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around my chest causing me to jump before I realized it was him.

“It’s not him. It’s not him,” he told me as the back door opened and out stepped Teddy.

I exhaled in relief. I don’t know why I thought it would be him. I knew he was in New York but seeing the Limo had set me on edge. Ready to have him jump out and say hi. Instead Teddy jumping and going up to the driver side front widow saying something before the driver pulled away.

“What’s up?” Finn asked me before he turned to look at the limo driving away, “It’s ok man. Don’t worry about it. He uses a limo where ever he goes. You ok Cole?”

“Yeah, thanks for asking,” he said letting go of me.

“Are you hurt?” Julian asked me.

“No, I’m ok,” I answered.

My back felt a little sore but, I was used to being sore. I wasn’t seriously hurt more shaken by the appearance of the limo. Tedding getting on his board just the same way Julian had showed me giving only a small push before he glided over to us.

“Hey guys,” Teddy said, “Where is Todd?”

“He’ll be around in a little bit. I was going to teach Will how to skate board first but, he just gave it his first try. He like wiped out dude, fell right on his back,” Julian told him.

“He’ll get better. Want to show me what you did?” Ted asked looking at me.

I felt frozen still my heart rate finally just starting to slow down, my frame still pointed in the direction the limo had driven off before Ted gave me a sad smile, “They make me use it. Luke and me. They make us take it just about everywhere. Don’t worry about it.”

“Yeah, ok,” I said shaking myself out of it. Stopping my mind from seeing the inside of the Limo I had been in, from watching him remove my shoes and socks slowly, meticulously.

“Well go on,” Julian said, encouraging me to try again.

I sighed putting my right foot back on the board before Ted stopped me, “Aren’t you left handed?” he asked me.

“Yeah? Why?” I asked.

“Well everyone tends to balance a little more to their dominant side. So, why don’t you try using your right foot to move you and keep your left on the board?” he said.

“Ok,” I said switching feet and giving a small push before putting my right foot on the board gliding a couple of feet forward.

“There you go,” Teddy said smiling at me, “Now try it again.”

I did this time going farther, the wheels making me feel slightly unsteady. After two or three more tries everyone else was joining me just gliding back and forth across the pavement with me. After doing it for a while Julian rode up a ramp using his body weight to turn him in a circle coming back towards me.

I didn’t think I could do that. That looked hard. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to do that. I sighed feeling out of place as everyone else did the same.

“It’s ok,” Cole said behind me, “You’ll figure it out. It just takes time.”

“I don’t know,” I said, “I’m not sure I like skate boarding.”

“That’s ok. There are other things you can with them I’m sure. I know for a fact that Finn surfs and Ted. You could do that with them,” Cole said to which Ted nodded his head.

“Honestly I like surfing more than I like skate boarding. It’s not nearly as painful when you fall. Too cold for that right now though,” he told me.

“Yeah,” I agreed.

I mean I didn’t think it was that cold but ocean water tends to be colder than the air around it. I knew that. So, while the air around us was 60 the ocean water was closer to 40 or 30 which would be a good way to freeze your ass off. That didn’t stop people from hanging out at the beach though. I knew people went there to just walk along the shore and play in the sand. That often it didn’t matter what time of year it was.

“You guys want to grab lunch? If we walk out of the neighborhood and down the main street we can hit the Coney,” Finn said.

“Aren’t we waiting for…,” just then someone skated up going up and ramp before turning around and nearly crashing into Finn.

“Me?” Todd asked smiling, “Well I’m here and I could go for some grub.”

“Ok then,” Julian said as we started walking away from the park.

We walked for a few minutes in silence before Teddy looked at Cole, “How are you doing Cole?”

“I’m awesome,” Cole said giving him a small smile, “And you?”

“I’m good. It’s a nice chance to get out of the house. Luke is with grandpa Greg so it’s cool.”

“Grandpa Greg?” I asked.

“Yeah he’s like a total GL so Luke is pretty safe unless he gets frisky. Which he won’t because he doesn’t drink while he has us usually,” Ted said nodding his head.

“So, he’s more into girls too?” I asked.

“Unless he’s horny and no one else is around,” Ted said nodding his head, “How are you doing Will?”

“I’m ok. My dad went to New York,” I told him.

“Yeah I heard. Some wall street stuff going on papa wants him for,” Ted said, “He said he’s going to keep him up there for a while. So that’s lucky don’t you think?”

“Not really,” I sighed, “It means Uncle Ben is in control of the house. Mum wants us sleeping in groups and keeping our rooms barricaded just in case. We’re not allowed to use the rest of the house or even be in it unless we’re leaving to go to school or coming home.”

“Isn’t it like that anyway? I mean I get it. When I’m at Papa’s I’m only allowed to be in his wing. It’s like a small apartment with kitchen, 2 bathrooms and a living room not to mention three bedrooms. One which I share with Luke,” Ted said.

“Where do you guys live that you have wings?” Julian asked.

“It’s not a wing, it’s a level,” I said, “Of the house just for us kids. 2 living rooms and music room, a kitchen, seven bedrooms and five bathrooms.”

“That’s one level of your house?” Julian asked me and I nodded my head, “How many levels does your house have?”

“Four,” I said, “I know it’s weird but, four.”

“How many bedrooms?” Julian asked me.

“14,” I answered simply.

“Ok,” Julian said, “I have 5 bedrooms in my house and 4 full bathrooms. One kitchen and one living room.”

“Ok,” I said.

“Are we comparing house size? Because my house has 7 bedrooms 3 bathrooms, 2 living rooms once of which we use as more of an office and a kitchen with a formal dining room,” Finn said.

“I don’t even know how many bedrooms the Villa has so don’t ask me. All I know is I have only seen the butler pantry once and it has a ballroom. My house has four bedrooms though.” Teddy said adding his input into the conversation as we finally got to the Coney.

“Why are we talking about this?” Cole asked me.

“I don’t know,” I said shaking my head.

We walked past a sign that said, “seat yourself” taking a seat in a large booth as some girl with brown curly high piled in a bun on her head came over and put glasses of water on the table one of each of us.

“I forgot to bring money,” I told the table feeling slightly embarrassed by that fact, my face flushing a little bit.

“Don’t worry,” Cole said, “I’ve got you covered.”

“Really?” I asked frowning at him.

I mean it wasn’t like I was poor. I had just forgotten to ask my mom for five bucks. He didn’t need to pay for me. I would have been fine with just water but he looked at me and smiled.

“Yeah, whatever you want man,” Cole told me.

“So, who is doing what tomorrow? Maybe we can have this guy skate boarding like a pro by the end of the month? What do you guys say?” Julian asked everyone.

“Only if he pays me,” Todd said.

“Don’t people usually pay you Todd?” Teddy said smiling.

“Dude, you’re sick,” Todd said but he still laughed, “Don’t they pay you?”

“Not really,” Teddy admitted, “Who does get paid?”

“We’re talking about what I think we’re talking about right?” Finn enquired.

“Probably,” Teddy said, “Do you get paid?”

“No. My dad’s an asshole. What do you think?”

“Cole?” Teddy asked.

“Yeah. Sometimes.”

“Will?” Julian asked looking at me.

“What?” I asked still confused as to what they were talking about.

“Come here,” Cole said gesturing for me to lean forward so he could whisper in my ear, “He means do you get paid for any of the…you know?”

I pulled away shocked looking at all of them as they started to laugh. Me feeling the heat rush to my face. I didn’t even know I could get paid. Could I get paid?

“Huh…no?” I said quietly, “Can I?”

“Technically if you ask for money they will give it to you if they’re feeling nice and you have a contract going. Or if you ask them if there’s some …,” Julian did the charades move for film, “They’ll usually give you some.”

I didn’t know what to think of that. Money for…that? I wasn’t sure I was ready for that let alone being paid for it. Then I would really be a whore. Matt would never let me live that down if he knew I got paid to sleep with people. I didn’t want to get paid. I would never ask them for money. I knew I wouldn’t.

“Can we not…?” I trailed off quietly.

“Yeah,” Finn said nodding his head, “I don’t want to talk to about it either.”

“Are you going to go to the middle school dance?” Finn asked me.

“I don’t know,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“The girls are going to be there. From St. Bernie’s. It’s actually really fun. They are holding it from like 5 to 7 next Saturday,” Julian said, “Why don’t you come?”

“I might,” I said quietly.

“The upper school dance is from like 8 to 10,” Cole said.

“Is it weird that I don’t know many girls?” I asked them.

“I suppose not, I mean you have more brothers than anything,” Julian said as the waitress came back over and took our orders. I ordered two Coney dogs. Because I’m simple and someone else was paying while I remember Cole ordering himself a hamburger.

“Are you going to the dance Cole?” Finn asked him.

“Nah, I danced last night,” he said raising an eyebrow at Finn and winking.

“For who?” Julian asked frowning.

“It was a private show,” Cole said laughing as he looked at my face.

“Really?” Todd frowned, “I didn’t think he was the type for that.”

“He’s not,” Cole said, “He’s too young for my tastes anyway.”

“Your food gentlemen,” the waitress said starting to put plates of food on the table in front of us.

“You ordered hot dogs?” Todd asked me.

“Yeah. Why?” I asked.

“Why would you order hot dogs? You like hot dogs?” Julian asked.

I felt my face glowing red. I should have thought better about my food choices. I knew what they were getting at. What he was saying as he snickered at me.

“Be nice Julian,” Finn said shaking his head at him.

“It’s a joke,” Ted said, “It’s not like he asked if he liked big juicy bratwurst.”

“Real subtle Ted,” Todd said shaking his head.

“What? Isn’t that like a code word for it?” Ted said.

“I thought it was a big juicy sausage so any phallic shaped meat counts I guess. Just because he likes to eat hot dogs though, doesn’t mean he likes to “eat hot dogs,” Cole said.

“You would be the one to ask, wouldn’t you?” Julian asked him.

“You have a problem with me?” Cole asked Julian.

“I just think it’s weird ok? I think it’s weird that you could…and then…,” Julian sighed, “It’s weird.”

“You ever tried it?” Cole asked him waiting for an answer as he stared at Cole silently, “Then don’t knock it.”

“I don’t need to try it. I know what it feels like we all do,” Julian said, “There is something wrong with you.”

“It feels different,” Cole said, “So you’re some kind of homophobe?”

“Can you blame me? It’s nasty.” Julian said.

“There is a huge difference between that and the other thing. Julian, you know that,” Finn said.

Was he saying I was just as bad as they were? I would never hurt a kid. Not ever. I didn’t believe in that. That was beyond sick.

“He’s right Julian,” Ted said, “Huge difference. Regular gay people don’t touch little kids.”

“How would you know?” Julian asked.

“Maybe because I’m gay? Or maybe I’m not. I don’t know,” Ted said which caused Julian to nearly fall out of the booth where he was sitting next to Ted.

“You can’t be serious,” Julian said looking shocked, “You can’t be a fucking fudge packer.”

So that’s what Ted had meant when he said Lionel was into confused boys. As far as I knew Louis was the oldest, who then probably did something to Kris. Who I knew had a causal relationship with Cole. Who had done things to Ted, who apparently was also gay and then there was me. Along with probably next my little brother who wanted to marry some boy named Robby. So, we all had more than just apparently being quiet and shy in common. At least at one point because Cole was honestly anything but shy and Teddy I wouldn’t have used to word shy to describe them.

“Julian,” Finn said standing up, “There’s nothing wrong with being gay.”

“Fuck there isn’t. You can’t say that. How can you fucking say that Finn?” Julian hissed

“Because I know plenty of gay people and there’s nothing wrong with them,” Finn told him.

“Who besides these two clowns?” he asked.

“Other people. And there’s nothing wrong with it,” Finn said.

Finn didn’t even look at me. Didn’t even glance my way but, I knew he was talking about me. That he was sticking up for me. Protecting me. He had told me he wouldn’t tell anyone that I thought I was. And he was keeping that promise.

“You have a problem with gay people I don’t need you around. So, you can decide now whether you have a problem or not. If you don’t have a problem sit down. If you do go and don’t bother coming back,” Finn said quietly.

“Fine,” Julian said throwing ten dollars down on the table. Enough to pay for his meal before he walked away.

That was something I hadn’t expected. I mean I didn’t hang out with Julian a lot but, I didn’t realize he hated gay people. I could understand why when our branch of the brotherhood was known as “boy lovers”. He looked at Todd who shook his head at Julian as he stalked off.

“That was different,” Finn said.

“He just has issues,” Todd said.

“We all have issues Todd,” Finn said.

“Not like him. He dad claims up and down he’s not gay and then he makes Julian do horrible things so…,” Todd said quietly.

“Hey, my dad and my brother are horrible nasty people but I don’t hate gay people. Some of my best friends are gay people. I can understand why he might be upset about some stuff that goes on but, that doesn’t mean that Julian’s dad is gay,” Finn said quietly.

“Pedophilia is different from homosexuality,” I said barely above a whisper.

“What?” Finn asked me.

“Nothing. Sorry,” I said.

“You don’t have to be shy Will,” Todd said, “If you want to say something and don’t want us to share it we won’t. Ok? If you have something to say you should feel comfortable enough to say it.”

“Pedophilia is different from homosexuality. Pedophilia is when you are attracted to underage people where homosexuality is when you are attracted to people of the same gender. Supposedly that’s still different from actually being a child molester though. A lot of pedophiles don’t ever touch kids. Not like our Da’s…” I said quietly.

“I didn’t know that,” Cole said, “So what they’re like nice priest and they just don’t ever do it?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Pretty much.”

“I wish them luck and say they have huge balls. I couldn’t ever go without sex,” Cole said.

“Eww,” Todd said throwing a French fry at Cole.

“No, like real sex is totally different. You’ll get your chance. You’ll like it I’m sure,” Cole said.

“With a girl. Probably yeah, I can agree with that,” Todd said as Cole smiled and ate the French fry that landed on his shirt.

“Girls can be nice to look at. It feels really different though,” Cole said.

“Yeah, giving feels really different from getting,” Finn agreed.

“No, just like all of it. The way it…feels. Vaginas have their own lubrication system. So, it feels really different,” Cole explained.

“You’ve done it with a girl?” Ted asked his eyes going wide.

“I’m…,” I sighed feeling how red my face was.

“I’m done eating too,” Todd said, “You want to go outside with me?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

He could tell I was uncomfortable. I was thankful for the escape. I didn’t want to talk about sex. Not when I knew I had to go home and it was only through the grace of god my dad wasn’t there. That it was only luck that I wouldn’t have to have it later. If I managed to avoid my uncle. I looked at Cole and he said, “Don’t leave I need to walk you home.”

“Ok,” I said.

Todd and I went outside and he cleared his throat awkwardly, “I don’t like talking about it either.” He said suddenly after we sat on a bench outside.

“It’s not that I don’t want to, I just. It’s weird,” I said quietly.

“And you don’t know me that well. You hang out with Finn and Ted a lot more than me,” Todd said.

“Not too well, no,” I admitted.

“Well, what do you want to know about me?” Todd asked me.

“How old are you?” I asked him.

“That’s an easy one,” Todd said smiling, “I’m 12. I’m surprised you didn’t ask me who I was or who I’m related to. You know. How I fit into all of this.”

“That’s all family stuff,” I said quietly.

“That’s what your dad tells you too huh? That we shouldn’t talk about it because it’s “family stuff”? Look it’s a part of who we are. It’s sad but true. It’s something that we’re going to have to deal with whether we like it or not. Whenever we make a new friend we’re going to have to explain why we don’t like being tackled to the ground from behind, or why they can’t sneak up on us. Why we don’t like wrestling and noogies and all of that stuff,” Todd pointed out to me.

“I suppose so. Yeah,” I agreed quietly.

“I’d rather just be honest than hall off and hit someone. So, I tell them that my dad beats me. It’s almost the truth but not exactly,” Todd commented.

“Do they believe that?” I asked him.

“They seem to,” he answered me, “What else can I tell you about myself? I have 3 siblings. Or 2 depending on how you look at it.”

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“Well, you know the brotherhood. That they take kids,” Todd said and I nodded my head.

“My step-mom passed away three years ago. A car accident,” Todd said looking at nothing, “He started…he got worse again. Like he was after my mom died. At first it was just me and I expected it would be Annabel but, he didn’t do anything to her. He still doesn’t. It was Rick. My little brother. About six months ago he changed his mind and took in a foster kid from the brotherhood.”

“What? I thought they lived at the Villa. Those kids,” I said.

“Most of them do but someone sold him. He’s little tiny he can’t stay at the Villa and they offered him to dad. Dad said yes. So now we have Devon. Rick as mad at first. He kept asking Dad why he was allowed to have a human but we couldn’t have a dog so Dad brought us a dog,” Todd said smiling a little bit.

“What? Your dad got you a dog because your little brother said it wasn’t fair he was allowed to have a human?” I asked confused.

“Well, Rick is 5,” Todd said.

“Oh,” I said quietly, “Do you think he understands that…?” I trailed off.

“I don’t think so. I don’t think he understands anything about it. Da hasn’t passed him out or anything and…Da doesn’t believe in hurting. When he started to…you know. I was 8 maybe. He did it and it felt weird but it didn’t hurt because probably I was used to it a little bit. Him touching me and stuff. Two weeks later he …I got branded. Before that I didn’t realize it would be anyone but him.”

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly thinking about it, “I had my brother. I knew my uncle probably would but, I didn’t know about all of this until I met Cole.”

“The kids he brought home, he’s one,” Todd said, “I can’t imagine…he cries at night sometimes. When Dad’s in the room alone with him. I don’t think he’s…you know. But he’s probably touching him. I know he’s probably touching him.”

“That has to be scary,” I said, not sure what else to say. Not sure why he was telling me any of this when we left the table because I didn’t want to talk about it in the first place.

Todd nodded his head, “We have a great Dane. He’s huge, tries to sit in my lap and chews on everything.”

I smiled at that. That sounded more like something my speed. I’d never had a dog. I would have loved to have a dog or a cat. I however had doubts about ever being allowed to have one. I did after all have a little brother that killed lizards and bunnies. I hated to imagine what he might do to a dog or a cat if given the chance.

“So, it’s a puppy?” I asked.

“Dino,” Todd said nodding his head, “He’s 8 months old. He’s super friendly though.”

“I’ve never had a dog,” I said.

“Really?” Todd asked me.

“Yeah,” I said, “I don’t know why. Just never have.” I lied.

Just then the door to the Coney opened everyone coming out behind Cole, “Are you ready to be walked home?”

“Yeah,” I said standing up.

“Why do you need to walk him home?” Finn asked.

“A favor for my friend. His mom doesn’t want him walking alone and his Uncle is around. Just safer this way,” Cole said.

“Oh,” Finn said, “Good luck with that Will.”

“Yeah,” I said, “Thanks.”

“I could drive him home,” Teddy said, “I mean wouldn’t it be easier?”

“Nah, he’s in-between here and home,” Cole said before he whispered something in Teddy’s ear which caused Teddy to nod in understanding.

“We’ll see you Monday,” Ted said nodding his head as Cole and I started walking away.

“Are you ok?” Cole asked me.

“Yeah. I don’t know it just makes me nervous,” I said.

“Sex?” Cole asked me.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

“You do know it’s different,” Cole said glancing at me as we continued walking, “From what they do.”

“Yeah. I know I just…,” I felt my face getting warm, “It’s hard to imagine…ever….” I trailed off.

“You’re young. There’s plenty of time to figure it out ok? Don’t worry about it,” Cole said.

“He’s going to make me,” I said quietly,” I know he will. I just…I don’t want to.”

“Even that’s different from real ok?” Cole said sadly holding his hand out of me to take, “You just do what you’re told. Don’t worry about the rest.”

I sighed taking his hand. Feeling the warmth of it. Trying to remind myself that it didn’t mean anything. That he was just offering me the only comfort he could. I thought about what it probably looked like to people driving around us, or others walking down the street.

We were both tall and lean with blond hair. His eyes were Hazel and mine were green. He was older than I was. By about 3 years almost four. We probably looked like brothers. More like brothers than John and I did. No one would have thought anything of it. Just an older brother walking his little brother home. No one would know by watching us that we were just property. Property of an old man who didn’t care about us, or how we felt. The idea hitting me like a ton of bricks stopping me in my tracks. Cole not noticing until my lack of movement tugged on my arm.

“What’s wrong?” Cole asked me quietly.

“No one knows,” I mumbled apparently not loud enough for him to understand.

“What did you say Will?” he asked me quietly.

“No one knows,” I said shaking my head, “No one knows that somethings wrong. No one knows. Not by looking at us.”

“If they did they would kill them. If we told anyone they would kill them. Flynn tried to tell a teacher once. He told me. She died in a car accident. The weird thing about it was there were open beer cans and stuff and said she had been drinking but Flynn was 14 at a time. She talked about how her dad was an alcoholic and so she would never touch the stuff. The air bags went off and chopped off her head. Some type of faulty wiring or something. But then she had Alcohol in her system, and the whole thing was just weird. They told Flynn that they had killed her. Because he had a bruise on his neck and apparently it was big one. She asked him where he got it and he said he didn’t know.

My Dad was messing with other kids at that point. I was still little and I didn’t know and neither did my mom who was in the process of dying. But it was my dad. He had shackled him in the villa by his neck. Raped him. He couldn’t deal with keeping it a secret anymore so he told. He told and they killed her. He tortured Flynn. Before I ever knew who Flynn was. Do you know what my dad does for the brotherhood?” Cole asked me.

“No,” I said as Cole let go of my hand and stood behind me rubbing my shoulders for a second before forcing me to walk forwards.

“He looks for kids no one will miss. And tells Lionel where to find them. Then Lionel kidnaps them. Or more he has someone else kidnap them. Then they get moved. To wherever. Or whatever. I don’t know. I don’t care to find out,” Cole explained.

“Are you saying he killed them?” I asked him.

“Not usually but he watches them. Then someone takes them and then…yeah, anyway,” Cole sighed.

“I didn’t know that,” I said.

“Well, don’t tell anyone. You’d figure it out eventually,” Cole said.

“So, are you going to movie tomorrow?” he asked me.

“I think mum said I’d be going, yeah,” I said as we saw the house in the distance.

“Fun I think they’re making you watch the kids with one of the girls,” Cole said, “So you’re going to go see the prince of Egypt.”

“I’ll watch it. If Matt’s going trust me you guys need someone to watch him,” I said.

“He’s still being…Matt?” Cole asked me.

“Yep,” I sighed, “You have no idea how much he disturbs me sometimes.”

“Oh, I have an idea. He’s very…he reminds me of someone we both know,” Cole said.

“Don’t say that. I don’t even want to think about it. I mean I’ve never asked mum or Da if he was always like that but if he was I could see them being very much the same in a lot of ways. However, I really don’t want to think about it,” I told Cole.

“I understand that. I want to think about…our kiss,” he said causing me to stop and look at him in shock my face flushing red as I thought about it.

It had been a good kiss. Not the first one so much that had me questioning how mortified Cole was to be the object of my affection but more, the second one. The one that we had shared on my bed in the dark. Him just kissing me. Gently, calm.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Cole said quietly sounding amused, “I meant we can revisit it in a year or two if I’m still around. If you’re still around. You know? I didn’t mean we were going to do anything about it right now. You understand why for several reasons don’t you?”

“Yeah,” I said feeling myself calm down. So, he was telling me he liked it too. But, that it was too complicated, that again I was too young. Probably too immature. I supposed that made sense. I did blush every time anyone even mentioned any of that. I always felt my face getting warm every time I even thought about it. So maybe they were all right. Maybe I just wasn’t ready to look at anything romantically.

“Good, as long as we agree,” he said, “You know I’m here for you to talk to still though, right?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “I know. You’ve already helped me loads.”

“Good. I’m still here though. Even after helping you loads,” Cole said copying my accent a little bit making me chuckle.

“Do I really sound like that? I mean, I know everyone else sounds different but, you all do realize I was born here? Right?” I asked him.

“Yeah but from the time you were like six you’ve been over there. That’s a while to be there. Your last five siblings were born there. I mean you even call that place home. So why can’t I poke a bit of fun at you and your accent?” he asked me.

“I’m not saying you can’t,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “Just saying I’m not that different. I already feel it starting to fade. The way I enunciate my words, I’m sounding more like everyone else every day.”

“Don’t,” Cole said causing me to look up from the side walk.

“What?” I asked him quietly.

“Don’t let yourself sound like everyone else. I like your voice. I think it’s different and different can be good sometimes,” he said and I nodded my head, “And your stop sir.” He said bowing at me causing me to laugh.

“Thank you,” I said, “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Cole frowned looking behind me causing me to turn. There was a cruiser in the drive way. His cruiser, Hanks. I felt like I was choking. What was he doing there? He shouldn’t have been there. Not at all. I sighed as Cole looked at me

“Morning for mass and then after Mass I think your mom is going to drive us to the movies. I’m going to go because…that might be a huge problem.” Cole told me.

“No kidding, I’ll see you later,” I said walking around the gate and in the kitchen door.

So, I walked in the kitchen door I heard the front door slam and a car starting up. I raced up the stairs to hear mum hushing John. Something bad had happened. I didn’t know what it was but, I didn’t want to check. I knew he wouldn’t want me to see. That he wouldn’t be ok with me checking on him especially if Hank had hurt him.

I went upstairs the lift opening to shrill high pitched cries me turning to look into the living room finding James trying to rock a baby with red curly hair trying to get Mary to stop screaming. “I know baby, it’s ok. Mummy will be back soon Mary,” he said to her.

“What’s going on?” I asked him as he looked at me wide eyed before holding her up.

“Poor girl, I know it’s so hard. Say it’s so hard being so little Willy, just change me, change my nappy. That’s what you say isn’t it?” I cooed to her, her tears stopping as she listened to me speak.

“What’s wrong with her?” James asked me.

“She’s probably wet. Usually she gets fussier for wet than anything else,” I said walking to the nursery with her to change her as James followed me, “Where are Mike and Matt.”

“Uncle Ben came upstairs after you guys all left and he made them go with him. I don’t know where they are but mummy came out of the nursery and they still hadn’t come back,” he told me.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head.

My heart hurt for them. I knew where they probably were. If they weren’t in the house they were at the Villa. They were probably getting branded. If that was the case they wouldn’t be home at all today and might even miss Mass tomorrow morning. That’s what would really tell us what had happened to them. I didn’t imagine either of them handling that well. After my branding I wanted to just curl up and die. Mum had made sure I stayed home that Monday just because it hurt to move. Dr. Palmer had come over to check on me. It had seemed like a busy couple of days. They were only 8. It was too little for this. For any of this.

“Are they going to be ok? Did Uncle Ben take them to the bad man?” James asked me.

“Don’t worry about it bud,” I told him as I threw Mary’s used diaper into the hamper before I powdered her bottom and put a fresh one on, “Everything will be ok.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell him he was right. That Uncle Ben had taken them to the bad man, that when they came back they would be hurt. That they wouldn’t feel good. However, I couldn’t deal with him breaking down in clinging to me. Not when there were 6 other people that were solely dependent on me until mum and John got back. Not when 5 of those people were under the age of 3. As soon as Mary was changed I grabbed another diaper and changed Seamus on the floor. He had a poopy diaper for me and was glad I had been just in time to change it before he started screaming.

“Do you and Cat want to watch a movie?” I asked James.

“Ariel,” Cat told me.

“I’ll watch it. Is mummy coming back soon?” James asked quietly, barely above a whisper.

It reminded me of that first week. That first week after Lionel had hurt him, Da had hurt him. The way he curled around his knees he was hugging into his chest on the couch. The way he was trying to keep himself small and his words quiet. He was trying to hide how scared he was. Mum said he had been having anxiety issues and I had only seen it at night but this, this was definitely a child that was having problems. The fact that three of his older brothers and his mother weren’t with him causing an immeasurable amount of fear.

“It’s ok Jay we’ll watch Ariel and sing,” Catty said curling up next to him and doing her best to hug him.

She gave him a reassuring smile. I looked at her closely. She was already getting taller it seemed like. Her hair back in a French braid which I wondered when mum had found the time to even do her hair today. She looked like John. A female miniature version. Her freckles splattered lightly across the bridge of her nose in the same fashion has his, her eyes the same green that all of our eyes were. Her frame thin and long already even though she was only four, barely a child. 

Even though Da had hurt her she didn’t seem worried about it. Didn’t seem scared unless she talked about it. Not like James, not like Mike. Hell, not even like me. We carried it with us, where her, you would think that everything was ok by looking at her. She wanted to always be with all of us. Always encouraging us to engage with her, to play tea party with her and house. To even play Barbie’s with her. Especially if we seemed sad or distracted. Like she was trying to find a way to make us feel better the only way she knew how. By distracting us. I started the movie.

Sebastian the little crab coming on screen riding a tiny shell chariot pulled by two gold fish who quickly turned him upside her letting out a quiet laugh before turning to James, “I wonder how he managed not to fall out.”

“It’s underwater. Water makes everything float,” he said quietly as she grabbed his hand, “Here comes the singing so Shhh…” he said.

“I like the singing…and then there is the youngest in her musical debut…” Catherine sang quietly along with the song letting out a pearl of giggles as the sea shell where Aerial was supposed to be sitting turned up empty, “That reminds me of John. He’s never where he’s supposed to be.”

“Mum says it’s because he’s big. He’d rather be with his friends than us,” James told her.

“No, he wants to sometimes I think. He’s just…when you can walk I think you get lost sometimes,” she said.

Now that made me smile. Thinking of a 13-year-old getting lost in their own house. Sometimes kids said the funniest things, “Did you two eat yet?” I asked them.

“Yeah, oh! SHARK!” Catty screamed pointing at the screen as it popped up behind flounder.

“You guys ate dinner?” I tried again as the shark started chasing the two main characters around a ship wreckage on screen.

“Yeah mum gave us meatloaf. There’s some in the fridge for you and John,” Cat said as James nodded his head in agreement.

“What about everyone else?” I asked them.

“Mac and Andy and Lar?” Cat questioned making a face as I stepped in front of the screen to try and hold her attention better.

“Yeah she fed them. Mary and Seamus need a bottle though,” James told me quietly.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “You two watch the movie ok?”

“Ok,” Cat said nodding her head slowly while staring at the screen as I walked away making sure I turned on the baby swings and the other three were in the play pin which was also in view of the TV, frowning when I noticed Mac was chewing on Lar’s hair.

“Mac, you can’t do that man,” I said picking him up making him gently let go of Lar’s hair who frowned at me.

“Owes,” she said shaking her head.

“I know, I’m sorry,” I said which she ignored her eyes going back to the TV.

“Come with me,” I said.

“doo da,” Mac said pointing at my nose.

“That’s my nose,” I told him as I took him into the kitchen and put him in a highchair, “I know you already ate but, I would like to eat and I don’t think Lar needs your assistance with hair care so you can stay with me.”

“Wha da,” he said.

“You stay with me,” I simplified.

“ooo,” he said as I handed him a toy before going over to the fridge and pulling an already made up plate out and popping it into the microwave.

I sat down at the counter and started eating

“yummy,” he said reaching his fists out and blinking them.

“You already ate this my yummy,” I said looking at him to which he gave me the funniest look and blew a raspberry at me.

“Don’t do that. No spitting,” I said shaking my head trying to not to laugh at him to which he said something in baby talk I didn’t understand.

“You are becoming quiet the talker you know Mac?” I told him as I heard the lift kick on, “There they are.”

When it opened mum and John both came out, both looking tired their eyes blood shot John barely glancing at me as he walked past everyone and into his bedroom as mum came over, “I see you found your food.”

“Yeah, thank you,” I told her.

“Why is he with you?” she asked pointing at my dinner guest.

“He was trying to make a meal out of Lar’s hair as she watched the movie. How him pulling on her hair didn’t hurt I have no idea but he was trying to eat it,” I told her.

“I’m afraid he’s a bored eater,” Mum sighed, “You didn’t feed him again, did you?”

“No, I was going to give Mary and Shay their bottles after I was done. Is everything ok?” I asked her taking a bite of potatoes.

“It could be better. I did something stupid and…everything is as ok as it can be for right now though. I called the cops and then your Da. Your Uncle took off with your brothers. I checked downstairs first and it was empty.”

I nearly dropped my fork. She’d been down in the basement? Had she ever been there before? Had she seen.

“Mum, I…,” I said trying to explain everything that was down there.

“I was down there last night. I’ve seen it and I know what’s down there and you don’t have to explain it ok love? Don’t worry about it. It has nothing to do with you,” she assured me to which I nodded my head silently.

It had everything to do with me. He had used those things on me before. The things on the wall. I didn’t know if she knew that but, it seemed like lately since our doomed escape she had asked less questions about everything. Quit trying to get us to talk about things with her. Like she figured it didn’t help us any. Didn’t make things any easier so she had just quit asking for the most part.

“Did Da tell you where they are?” I asked her.

“Yes,” she said, “I don’t know if they’ll want to go to the movies with you guys tomorrow. I’ll ask them though. Whatever was going to happen already has at this point though your Da said.”

Her voice broke slightly as she said it. Sounding like she was about to start crying again. Thank you for watching them. Was everything ok?” she asked me.

She had only been downstairs with John for maybe 45 minutes at this point while I had been up here with just me and them, “Yeah. Everything was fine. When I came up Mary was crying because she was wet so I changed her and Shay and then put them in the swing and turned on a movie.”

“James? How is he?” she asked me.

“He’s scared I think,” I told her to which we both heard little feet turning to see who it was and sure enough it was James.

“Mummy?” he asked her quietly.

“Come here love,” she said opening her arms to him as he came and allowed her to pick him up whispering something in her ear, “I know. It’ll be ok though don’t worry about it. Everything will be fine.”

“So, the plan is still going to the movies with them and John?” I asked her.

“After mass, aye,” she told me nodding her head as she sat James in hear lap, “So no one gave you any trouble?”

“No, James was actually a big help. When I came up he was rocking Mary trying to get her to stop crying,” I told her.

“You’re all such good boys. Always such a big help,” she said smiling at me.

“How is John?” I asked her.

“You know John,” she said as a way of saying he was the same as he usually was. 

Usually he was moody and drunk. He didn’t talk about things, he didn’t want to talk about things. Especially those things. Not that I could blame him for it. I didn’t really want to talk about them either. Just as she said that he came down the hall sighing opening up the fridge and looking inside it before shutting the door empty handed. Probably deciding he wasn’t hungry.

James tugged my mum’s shirt sleeve before whispering in her ear, “John, love? James said someone called for you. Someone named Dom?”

“I have to call him back,” John said quietly.

“Are we going to the movies with him?” I asked John as I finished my last bite of food getting up and rinsing my plate in the sink.

“Yeah, he’s one of the people why?” John asked me.

“I was just wondering,” I answer shrugging my shoulders, “Who else is going?”

“A lot of people actually. I do believe that Hunter, Christian and Kristoff are going and then Ellen, Talia, Delia and Celia are all going and then Pat, Cole and Dom. I think Christian has a little sister he’s bringing with him and I’m taking you and hopefully Mike and Matt if they are feeling up to it,” he answered me.

That was a big group. I hadn’t expected it to be that many people. I didn’t even know any of the girls he was talking about but, that’s not surprising considering I didn’t know any girls outside of my sisters at the time. I wasn’t sure I wanted to deal with all of those people however Cole had told me it wouldn’t be that many because we were actually going to two separate movies and not just one.

“That’s a lot of people,” I commented.

“Well, it’s supposed to be a group,” John said looking at me as he walked over to the phone.

Mum sighed setting James down and picking up Mac walking away as she looked at us, figuring she didn’t need to be there to hear us hash out our hang out plans. It wasn’t exactly announcement worthy news since she had already agreed to let us go. It seemed like a lot of people to me though. Once mum was out of ear shot I asked just to be sure.

“Why? So, it doesn’t look like a date for you and someone else?” I asked him meaning him and Pat.

“We wanted to go see a movie with our friends. It’s not a date. We might be kind of dating but, we don’t want to announce that to people,” he said looking at me as he leaned against the counter and I turned off the water putting my plate in the dish washer.

“Look,” I sighed thinking about how he probably felt as unsure about it as I did, the liking boys thing, “It’s ok to be like that. I’m like that. I don’t exactly hide it.”

“Yeah? Well, you do realize it can get you killed? Hooking up with someone in the brotherhood so the less people that know the better off we are. So please keep your mouth shut about it,” John told me.

“I know,” I said putting my hands up in a placating gesture, “I can’t imagine the trouble I’d be in if Cole and I were…,” he snorted and rolled his eyes at me.

“Cole and you are not a thing. You kissed like twice. You’re not even 11. You don’t know if you’re gay or straight yet. You don’t know anything,” he insisted.

That’s what he really thought? He thought that I blushed around Cole and other guys because I was thinking about girls. What it was like to touch a girl, hold a girl? Kiss a girl? That kiss had been everything I imagined and more. It had excited me and scared me all at once in so many ways. Thinking about it making my face feel warm causing him to sigh loudly.

“What?” I asked him.

“You need to stop doing that. You do realize the older you get the more people think about that stuff? Everyone is always going to know when you’re thinking about se…” I cut him off.

“I wasn’t. Just kissing,” I said shrugging my shoulders and looking at my feet.

“There’s nothing embarrassing about it ok? Everyone does it, everyone thinks about it. You don’t have to be nervous. It’s ok. It’s ok to think about that stuff. Kissing people. Maybe even doing other things with people,” John told me.

“With guys though? You say I don’t know John but, I do. You’re wrong. I know I like Cole and you’re right maybe we aren’t a thing yet. But maybe one day we might be,” I told him.

“I hope not. You’re my little brother. I would not be ok with that,” John said shaking his head at me.

“Cole told me I’m too young,” I said.

“He’s right,” John said nodding his head vigorously, “You are. And it’s dangerous. It’s not somewhere your head needs to be right now ok? Just cool it. Calm down.”

“I am calm. I don’t…it felt weird. I liked it but it felt weird. Scary,” I admitted.

“Maybe that means you’re not ready then. And you won’t do it again. It’s ok to think about it but, that doesn’t mean you have to do it. You have enough going on right now Will. Ok? We are planning on leaving again though. You know that, right? I don’t know when but mum said before Da comes back for Easter break.”

Now that was something I hadn’t been told. So, she was going to try and get us out again? There went my future. Any hope I had of ever exploring that part of me with someone that made me feel safe, made me maybe want to one day. I sighed heavily muttering a slight “oh” under my breath.

“What? Would you rather say here and deal with this? With them? With what Da is going to do to us when he gets back?” John asked me.

“No,” I said shaking my head, “I like my friends though.”

“Yeah well, sadly they come with being fucked up the ass by your Da or Uncle and worse things by more people as you get older,” John pointed out.

“You act like they haven’t passed me out yet,” I said glaring at him. I mean he couldn’t be that stupid to think that they hadn’t. Especially after the parties Da had, “I’ve been to the Villa. I have a brand too. I know what it’s like. I get it. You act like Uncle Ben doesn’t come to my room just about every night like he doesn’t…,” I sighed feeling my face get warm. Feeling the words wanting to come out but holding them back so I didn’t embarrass myself, feeling myself wanting to say that he licked me everywhere. Because he did. They all did. Especially the leader. I took a deep breath before I continued, “I get how hard it is for you. I get it so don’t treat me like I don’t know.”

He looked at me his eyes softening in understanding. Maybe he realized he was treating me like a kid. Like he should treat James. Like someone who didn’t really understand what was going on when he knew very well I understood it just fine. He might not have known everything that had happened to me. I refused to tell him because I refused to watch him drink himself to death. Because of things he couldn’t stop from happening but, he knew I understood what it was and how serious it was.

“Sorry,” he said quietly before he looked at me, “Mum called the cops when she found the twins missing.”

“She told me that,” I sighed, “I wish she would have thought about it before she did though. I mean she’s not stupid. She knew who they were with.”

“I know,” he said, “Hank showed up when she called.”

The last part he barely muttered. His eyes looking wet like he was going to cry. Had something happened to him? With mum right there? Had Hank hurt him?

“Are you ok?” I asked him.

“She stopped him,” he said looking at the counter,” Barely but, she stopped him.”

“Are you sure you’re ok?” I asked him again.

He shrugged his shoulders looking at me, “Nothing a bit of drink and some time alone won’t help me with. I have to return that phone call now.”

He raised the phone to his neck before he started dialing the number me leaving the room to go out into the living room. We had been talking long enough the movie was mostly over Ursula brandishing the contract she had made with Ariel at Trident trying to convince him to give her his Trident and his life turning him into one of her squiggly little sea creatures and picking it up while she laughed. Me looking to see that Andy and Laura and Mac were already gone. Probably already in the nursery as mum came back out leaning against the wall in the hallway watching the movie from behind the couch as I looked at one of the clocks on the wall. 

It was 7:30. It was time for Cat and James to head to bed. She looked at me and smiled at me putting a finger to her lips telling me to be quiet. She was allowing them to finish the movie since there was only a few minutes left. Cat gasping in surprise like she had never watched the movie before as Prince Eric drove the broken pillar through Ursula’s stomach releasing all of the trapped mer-people from her spell.

Mum smiled and cleared her throat just as the credits started to roll, “Ok loves time for bed.”

“I like this movie,” Cat said.

“I know you do. Come on wee ones,” mum said as James stretched where mum had put him back down on the couch before getting up and walking down the hall, “Brush your teeth.”

“Ok mummy,” he said quietly walking down the hallway towards his room and bathroom.

I let the credits finish rolling as I pulled the baby swings lining them up back against the wall where they sat when we weren’t using them. I tidied up a bit folding a blanket and hanging it over the back of the couch before I went to my room. I pulled out Harry Potter in the Chamber of secrets. Me having switched to lighter reading fare for the moment because I felt so conflicted I didn’t feel blood and gore. I wanted something that was still exciting but not nearly as exciting as reading about all the death and mayhem that the pages of game of thrones is riddled with. Me reading two or three chapters before I decided it was close enough to bed time that I should probably brush my teeth and get ready for sleep myself.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt and Mike return home and decide they want to go to the movies with John and Will. They meet everyone at the movie threatre only to find danger there. Matt makes Will question everything he knows about Matt again and how sick he really is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pages 286 to 318. This is the movies from Will's POV So **John's POV pt1 chapter 29** Now you are only a couple chapters away from where John's part 1 ends. So that's exciting because you're going to see a bunch of stuff you haven't seen before very soon. **Warnings: Stranger danger, talk of rape/non-con, Mental health issues, PTSD.** I feel like people are getting tired of my updates let me know if you guys want me to still keep posting if not I'll stop and just write for myself because I suppose that's why I started writing it in the first place. Or let me know if you think I'm updating too much and being too needy for comments or attention or whatever. Just let me know what you think.

Mum didn’t come in to say good night to me that night. She was probably talking with John or something, or too exhausted and worried about Mike and Matt to sleep. Too worried to see if I was ok. To see if I was worried about them. Or what was going on with me. But I remember tossing and turning all night. The lift kicking on at some point and me jumping out of bed and heading over to the lift. When the lift opened Mike and Matt were there. Uncle Ben carrying Mike in his arms who was sleeping. Him smiling at me before mum came out of the nursery grabbing him quickly from Ben’s arms.

“Danielle gently, he’s sore,” Ben scolded her.

“You get the fuck out of my house,” she hissed at him.

“I’m allowed to be here. I’m supposed to be here,” he said to her Mike stirring in her arms.

“What happened to them? What did you…,” Ben cut her off.

“Don’t ask unless you really want to know because I will tell you. I will tell you everything,” he said.

Matt looked tired limping slightly while favoring his right side. He looked like he was in pain. I wondered but I didn’t ask putting grabbing him gently and putting his arm around my shoulder the best I could to help him walk.

“Thanks,” he mumbled numbly as we walked down the hallway towards his bedroom.

“Are you going to be ok?” I asked him.

“It wasn’t horrible,” he said, “Just a lot of work. I didn’t… did he make you do that?”

“Do what?” I asked him quietly. Quiet enough mum couldn’t hear where she kept yelling at Uncle Ben Mike starting to wake up but struggling to stay aware as he clung to her.

“Four…four guys they…,” he trailed off.

“It was six,” I said barely above a whisper.

It had been six guys. Six guys who had raped me before they had brought that fiery hot piece of metal against my skin. Six guys who had invaded my body and torn at my soul before they had finally marked me as belonging to them. Before they had marked me as their property.

“I didn’t know Da did that,” he said, “I didn’t know we’re supposed to do that.”

I wanted to tell him I told you so. To say that he was wrong, that it did hurt. That it wasn’t all nice and it wasn’t all Da and Uncle Ben but I managed to keep silent. Taking a deep breath as I helped him lay down on his bed his right side up.

“I’ll go grab you some ice ok?” I asked quietly.

“They did that to you?” he asked me to which I just nodded my head before I left closing the bedroom door behind me.

I didn’t want to talk about my branding. I knew I probably should and I felt like I owed it to him to let him know that him and Mike hadn’t experienced it alone. That I had been through it and so had John but, I didn’t want to talk about it. Not really. However, I hoped he understood better why when John and I said it hurt we weren’t lying. That when we said we hated Da or were afraid of him there was a real reason for it. I hoped it would make him more understanding. I sighed coming back from the kitchen after making an ice pack for him mum shutting the door quietly to Mike’s room.

“Is he ok?” I asked her quietly whispering to make sure we didn’t wake anyone up.

“He seems to be. Apparently, they sedated them. He’s having trouble working his way through it. He was only awake for a few minutes. Apparently, Matt’s wore off a little faster,” she said to me.

“Understandable. Usually they don’t do more than one of us at once,” I said quietly.

“What do you mean?” she asked me.

“Branding. John has one and so do I,” I said.

“I …,” she sighed running a hand through her already messed up hair, “What do you mean by branding? You mean the scar on your hip? I thought they just assaulted you I didn’t realize that they…,” she trailed off.

“They do a lot of bad things mum,” I said quietly, “Pass us out like we’re…property to trade. Make us do things to each other. I’m sure Pat and John told you that. They…hurt us.”

“I’m sorry love. We’re going to get out of here. We will,” she said, “How is Matt?”

“He’s going to want to talk about it,” I said.

I said that because I knew him. He didn’t usually get upset about things but more curious and it wasn’t like Uncle Ben would have explained any of it to him. He would have just held him down and made him watch and then done the whole thing to him. He would have questions that mum didn’t have any answers to and that I knew John couldn’t answer. So, I knew it was up to me. And I was used to him, to his oddness. Even if it upset me at least I had a better idea of how to deal with it than John and mum did it seemed.

I knocked on his door before I opened it. He was standing on his own like he had just come out of the bathroom but, he was still favoring his right side not really bending his leg and trying his best not to move his hip at all the white padding and gauze looking clean and fresh on his hip bone his briefs rolled down as low as he could get them to sit as he leaned over holding a tank top of some kind pulling it over his head so he was more covered than he had been a moment before.

“Did you get the ice?” he asked me.

He didn’t even seem weirded out that I had seen him almost naked. He didn’t seem to care, holding out his hand to take the ice pack from me as he hobbled back over to the bed laying down again, making sure he laid on his left side so that his right side was up before he put the ice over top of his bandages hissing slightly probably at the change of the temperature against his skin.

“You have questions?” I asked him not sure how to start.

“Da made you and John do that?” he asked me to which I nodded my head.

“I don’t know what it was like for John but for me it was six guys. It hurt. They did really bad things to me. I was told I couldn’t scream and that I couldn’t say no. So, I didn’t but I wanted to,” I answered him honestly.

“Did they use their mouths a lot?” he asked me.

I felt my cheeks flush. For me that had been one of the worst parts of the whole thing. Them using their mouths. Their tongues against my skin as everyone else watched and laughed. As I tried not to cry. 

“Yeah, they did,” I answered quietly.

“Did they all stick their penis in your bum?” he asked me.

At that I felt …it wasn’t even the question itself but the way he asked it like it was no big deal. Like it was normal. I got up and walked into his bathroom shutting the door behind me. I wanted to scream but, I didn’t. That’s why I was answering his questions about though and not John. Because John would have started crying where I just wanted to. I gave myself a minute or two to collect myself taking a couple deep breaths before I walked out of the bathroom.

“Sorry,” I said sitting back down in the desk chair where I had been sitting before, “Yes. They did.”

“And they touched you a lot?” he asked me.

“Yeah, with their mouths a lot and…hands and…everything,” I said trying to make myself numb.

“Did any of them stick it in your mouth?” he asked me.

“You mean their penis?” I asked him and he nodded his head his eyes wide and curious, “Yes. Has Da ever made you do that?”

“Yeah but, it always tastes weird. The guy that did it at the party he tasted really weird. I don’t like it I don’t think. It was very salty and it made it hard to breath. I bit him and he wasn’t happy. None of them were happy,” Matt said making it sound like it was no big deal.

“You bit someone? What did they do?” I asked him.

“Put a knife to me and told me if I bit again they’d cut a hole in my neck,” he said, “I didn’t bite him again so it was ok. I think one of them was a teacher.”

“Oh?” I asked him.

“Yeah. I’m not sure for real but, I think I’ve seen him in the halls before so I’m pretty sure it was a teacher,” he told me.

“What did he look like? Was it the headmaster?” I asked.

I hoped it wasn’t Barry. I hated Barry and the thought of him even…it made me so pissed that Da and Uncle Ben would be ok with that. I mean they seemed ok with him hurting me in the first place but, my little brothers too? Really? If it was me it was one thing, if it was them it was something entirely different.

“I don’t think so,” he said shaking his head, “I’ve seen headmaster Watson before and I don’t think he likes me very much so he wouldn’t want to touch me like that.”

“Why do you say that?” I asked him.

I was curious to know what he thought about it. Someone touching him like that. I knew Da, it was something he did and he told us all of us that it wasn’t wrong. That when he did it, it was because he loved us. Because he wanted us to know he loved us. I knew he’d been peddling that line to them just like he had to me when I was younger and probably John before that.

“Because Da says it’s making love. That when someone does that it means they love me. I’m pretty sure the headmaster doesn’t love me. If he does he yells at me awful lot and that’s a funny way to show love,” Matt said.

“Matty? What has Da told you about sex?” I asked him.

“That when a mummy and Daddy love each other they make love with his penis in her vagina and they have a baby. Almost like how Da makes love with me only in my butt because I don’t have a vagina because I’m not a girl. Why?” he asked me.

“Does Da ever make you do that when you don’t want to?” I asked him.

“I never really want to with him,” Matt said his face and voice still giving away no emotion, “But if I just relax it doesn’t feel so bad. It feels kind of good sometimes. Why?”

“Because when you don’t want to they call that something else,” I said.

“Da told me that. He said that’s when someone does it to hurt you though. He’s not doing it to hurt me. He’s doing it to show me he loves me,” Matt told me.

So that’s how Da had explained it. That because he wasn’t doing it to hurt him it wasn’t rape. That’s the lie he was telling him. Probably all of them. Whichever one of us he had been raping the most. Whichever of us would believe it.

“In normal families Da’s don’t …stick their penis there. They don’t…,” I trailed off.

“We’re not a normal family though. We’re a special family and Uncle Ben told me those were his and Da’s special friends and that they wanted to love me too. The one guy kind of hurt a little bit though and the other one kept poking the back of my throat and it hurt so I bit him. It wasn’t like I could say anything,” he said to me.

“Ok,” I said, “If they loved you why did they hurt you? That mark on your hip hurts. I know it does. Can you tell me that?”

“Because sometimes things hurt at first but then they hurt less next time,” Matt said.

“Matty, they are hurting you. Hurting us. When they put their mouth there it hurts…,” he cut off my words.

“It tickles. Maybe too much sometimes but it doesn’t hurt,” he insisted again just as he did every time I tried to tell him it did hurt.

“What about when they stick it in? Doesn’t that burn?” I asked him.

“Only a little bit. It’s almost like falling down really only on the inside. It’s not horrible and it’s not like it happens all the time. It was just this once,” Matt told me.

“No,” I shook my head, “It’ll be all the time now. You’ll see.”

“But it will only be Da’s special friends. It won’t be so bad. Uncle Ben told me it was just this one time.”

“He’s lying!” I hissed almost yelling at him, “He’s lying to you. They hurt. They really hurt Matty. Why do you think Mike cries? Why do you think James is so scared all the time? Because it hurts! It does it hurt how can you …”

“I’m different,” Matt said frowning at me, looking confused at my outbursts, “You know I’m different. There’s nothing wrong with being different. I’m actually glad I’m different because at least then they can’t hurt me. I can’t imagine being like you are John. You cry over everything all the time. No, that’s not right that’s lie. You don’t cry you just look like you have to poop a lot where John cries all the time and it’s stupid and sad. I don’t want to be stupid and sad. And you don’t worry about Mike. Mike is mine.”

“Mike is not yours,” I said shaking my head.

“He is, Da said he was mine and then changed his mind. Because of you. Because you’re such a…”

“What? A whore? Are you going to say it again? Are we going to go over this again? I don’t want it. I don’t want them touching me like that,” I insisted.

“Yet you let Cole kiss you. You let Cole touch you,” he said looking at me.

I had let Cole kiss me but he hadn’t really touched me. He hadn’t touched me anywhere but my cheek. Cole kissing me was really different from Lionel kissing me, or touching me and making me do other things. Cole felt nice and warm and had I wondered what he felt like. What his lips tasted like and now I knew. That was very different. I didn’t know how to explain it was different but it was.

“I didn’t let Cole touch me,” I said to him.

“Yeah you did, I heard mummy talking about it,” he said to me.

“He kissed me. He kissed me, that’s all he did. He didn’t…his he didn’t touch me like that,” I said, “You know why? Because I didn’t want him to. I didn’t want him to touch me like that ok? When someone doesn’t want you to touch them like that you should respect it. That means you care about them and love them. Forcing them to do that is called rape. Da rapes you. If you want to say no to him, that’s rape. That’s not love. You don’t make love to your children. You understand what I’m saying?” I hissed at him.

“I understand that that’s what everyone says but they’re not my Da. Da is the only one who can tell me what to do and he would never lie to me,” he said.

“Da lies to all of us. That’s not love. It’s not Matt. If the world was right he would love us but he doesn’t. If he loved us he wouldn’t let other people do that to us,” I said feeling like I was going to cry, “You didn’t tell Da, did you? You won’t?”

“You may not believe this because I’m different but I like you Willy. I wouldn’t do that because I know when Da and Ben are mad they aren’t nice. That’s why Uncle Ben hurt Mike because he was mad. He was mad at you. He was mad at you because that man wanted you and Da let him …Uncle Ben explained it all to me. How it’s all about teaching and what not. He’s your teacher now and not Uncle Ben and that makes Uncle Ben mad. So, he was mean to Mike and he told me he was sorry and Mike he was sorry but I’m not sure he is,” Matt told me.

“He told you he hurt Mike because of me?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he said, “I think Uncle Ben is like me. We’re different.”

I wasn’t sure he was like Uncle Ben. I had a hard time associating the two in my head and even now still do. Probably because one is my brother where as one is…very much not my brother. However, saying that Matt was different felt like a vast understatement of what he was.

“I’m not sure you’re like him at all,” I sighed standing up, “I’m going to go back to sleep for a while. You’ll let mum know if you and Mike want to go to the movie later, right?”

“Yeah,” he said, “I’m going to make him go to mass. I think he’s scared.”

“What?” I asked turning around confused.

“Mike, I think he’s scared. Of people. He needs to not be scared of people so I want him to go. To show him there’s nothing to be scared of. I don’t want him to be wimpy like John,” Matt told me.

“John is not a wimp he’s just he’s very stressed ok?” I told him.

“Whatever you say,” Matt said, “Goodnight.”

“Night,” I said turning and leaving shutting the door behind me.

I didn’t wake up again until closer to 8:30 throwing on something that was presentable for church to find John already dressed and in the nursery helping mum dress the little ones. Mike and Matt on the couch next to James and Cat while they waited for them to get ready. We actually had help getting into service one or two of the sisters taking the babies off to nursery school.

I don’t remember much of service to be honest other than sitting next to John, near John in the pew him bumping into me a couple of times as mum shot him a dirty look because him and his friends were poking at each other and making odd comments about the service under their breaths. I wondered what going and sitting through movie with them would be like until I realized I would be seeing a different movie. It wasn’t that I didn’t like Mike and Matt it was just that I didn’t want to be treated like one of the babies. I wasn’t a baby or at least I didn’t feel like one. But then again you had to take into account that I was only 10 when most people in my grade were 12 or almost 12. I mean even Teddy was 11.

When service was over before I could talk to them they had taken off. Me sighing trying to figure out what was going on. Whether I should help mum with the babies or not. Matt came up to me tapping me on the shoulder as I stood there with Mike looking around trying to figure out where mum was in the mess of mass letting out causing me to turn and look at him.

“Are we supposed to meet the people we’re going to the movies with?” he asked me.

“We can I suppose it would be good to meet them,” I agreed, “Come on we’ll find mum later. Let’s go see where John is.”

Him and Mike followed me Mike taking two or three quick steps and then grabbing my hand.

He’d been quiet since he had gotten home. However, he had tried to keep near mum or John. I felt his hand shaking a little bit taking our joined hands in my other and rubbing the back of his. Was he really that scared of everything lately? Of whatever they had done to him.

“Are you ok Mikey?” I asked him quietly and he nodded his head before he stopped walking forcing me to stop and lean in close to hear him.

“There’s too many people,” he told me quietly.

“Ok, well we’re going outside. They’ll be less people out there ok?” I said to which he nodded his head. Me going out the front door of the chapel and taking them around to the side where I knew their spot was in the bushes. Sure, enough a bunch of them were standing there. Pat with his pack of smokes in his hand smiling as he saw us. Dom, Cole, Kris, Chris and Hunter were all there along with a girl around my age.

I walked up tapping John on the shoulder with my free hand as Pat put the smokes away, “So, this is who we’re going to the movies with?” I asked him.

“Yes, some of the people,” John said, “You remember who they are?” he asked before realizing Mike and Matt were with me.

“I’m Kris,” Kristoff said giving a small wave to Mike and Matt.

“I’m Hunter,” Hunter said before pointing, “That’s Chris with a C. That’s Cole, Dom, Pat and obviously you know your own brother I hope. And this is Hannah Chris’s younger sister.”

“Hi Hannah,” I said looking at her.

She looked like Christian the same dark brown hair only hers was long and pulled back into a pony tail. She looked like she was around my age, maybe slightly older and she waved at me sheepishly before Christian shot Cole a look.

“What?” Cole asked.

“He’s still young,” Kristoff said.

“Yeah, no kidding,” Cole said shooting him a cold smile.

“I’m not that young,” I said.

“Too young,” Christian said nodding his head in agreement.

“I’m not that young, really guys?” I sighed shaking my head.

“He is,” John said.

“Go blow your boyfriend in the bushes,” I shot causing everyone to laugh besides Christian who covered Hannah’s ears with his hands frowning at me.

“Excuse you!” he scoffed at me.

“I’m not five,” Hannah said removing Chris’s hands from her ears, “What about those two? They are younger than I am.”

“They are over exposed,” Cole said.

“Over exposed?” Matt asked frowning.

“It’s…never mind Matt, just never mind,” Cole said shaking his head.

“Sorry,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“Is this everyone that’s going?” Matt asked.

“No, Talya, Ellen, Celia, Delia and who else is going?” Hunter asked.

“I think that’s it,” Chris answered, “Cole…he’s still too young.”

“Oh,” Matt said smiling like he finally understood something, “Will said it was just a kiss.”

“You kissed a boy?” Hannah asked frowning.

I felt my face turning red. I didn’t want to talk about that anti-climax in my life especially in front of a strange girl I didn’t know.

“Hannah…,” Chris said.

“Yeah, yeah. Sorry,” she said.

“What movies are we seeing again?” Matty asked.

“The prince of Egypt,” Hannah said, “I’ve heard it’s a good one.”

“That’s what I’ve heard too,” I answered.

“Who do you know that I know?” Hannah asked me.

“Your brother?” I questioned confused as to how the conversation had suddenly turned from the movie we were seeing to me.

“What about Travis?” she asked me.

“He’s in my class,” I said, “Why?”

“Just wondering. I’ve heard him talk about you. Don’t you hang out with Finn and what not? He doesn’t seem to like Finn very much. I don’t think,” Hannah said.

“What’s wrong with Finn?” I asked.

“Only his brother,” Hunter said, “Do you know his brother?”

“I don’t know,” I said, “I’ve heard things about him.”

“Like what?” Kris asked me curiously.

“I should stay away from him for one,” I answered giving him a small smile.

“Ok then. That’s good. Finn told you that?” Kris asked me.

“Yes. Finn and Quinn,” I said.

“What’s wrong with his brother?” Hannah asked.

“His brother is not a good person. Remember Hannah, how we talked about Dad and how he isn’t very nice to me?” Chris asked her.

“Oh,” she said nodding her head.

“Yeah, that. He’s like that,” Christian said.

“That’s nasty,” Hannah said which caused Cole to giggle slightly.

“I think that’s a bit of an understatement,” Hunter said shaking his head.

“Who is Finn?” Mike asked me.

“A friend of mine,” I answered him.

“Will he be going to the movies with us?” Mike asked me, “Or his…? He trailed off.

“No,” Hunter said, “They are not invited because they aren’t cool people. Everyone invited is a cool person.”

“I’m a cool person?” Mike asked frowning slightly.

“Of course, you are,” Matt said to him.

“I don’t think I’m a cool person,” Mike said barely above a whisper.

“I just met you and I think you are super cool,” Hunter said.

“If I was cool…,” he trailed off.

“It’s ok pal,” I said hugging him from behind, “You’re ok.”

“Bad morning?” Kris asked us.

“Well, Uncle Ben took…,” Matt started to say before Christian broke him off.

“Hannah, why don’t you go find Dad or some of your friends to talk with for a while?” Christian asked her.

“Really?” she said, “Ok, fine.”

“Thanks, Ans,” Christian said as she walked away, “I just thought it was something she didn’t need to hear. All this boy business as our Dad calls it. You can go on Matt.”

“Uncle Ben took us and they did that thing. With the metal on your skin that burns,” Matt said.

“You’re 8, right?” Hunter asked him.

“Yeah, we’re 8,” Matt said, “Why?”

“That’s young,” Kris said.

“Just curious you don’t have to answer,” Chris said looking at him,” What was your number?”

“Number?” Matt asked frowning.

“The number on the dice,” Cole clarified.

“Mine was a four,” Matt said, “Mike rolled a 5.”

“Wow,” Christian said shaking his head, “You don’t share another person’s number.”

“Why not? He’s my brother and I heard the leader call it out,” Matt said.

“Your number is personal. You know what it means. I’m sure we don’t have to explain to it you. Your number is for you to tell people if you care to share it. You don’t tell anyone else’s number it’s our code. You understand?” Kris said to him.

“Well, it’s only one dice, you can only get a 1,2,3,4,5 or 6,” Matt said, “What was yours?”

“I got a 2,” Chris said, “Anyone else care to share theirs?”

“3,” Hunter said.

“I got a one,” Kris said, “I was lucky.”

“I don’t even remember mine,” Dom said finally speaking for the first time in a while.

“Don’t remember or don’t care to share?” Hunter asked him to which Dom just shrugged his shoulders.

“You don’t have to tell anyone your number if you don’t want to. You realize that, right?” Hunter said.

“Yeah I know. I’m a 2 though I’m hardly better than a one,” Dom said.

“Dom, don’t say that. You might be a 2 but we don’t give a fuck about that shit. You’re a cool guy. Don’t let anyone treat you differently,” Chris said, “You’re one the best people I know. I mean we know things suck. We do. We know we’re privileged but you hold your own with the best fucking untouchables I know man. Don’t let anyone treat you as any less.”

“What’s a 2?” Mike asked quietly.

“Well you know the set of letters after the M they gave you?” Chris asked to which Mike nodded his head before he turned around and hugged me burying his face in my side.

“I’m sorry kid,” Chris sighed, “Maybe it’s too soon to talk about this?”

I sighed and got down on my knees so I was closer to his level, “Look at me Mike, look at me Pal, come on.”

He pulled his face away his eyes filled with tears, “It hurts.”

“I know pal,” I said hugging him, “It’s ok.”

“I didn’t…,” he hiccupped.

“We know,” Hunter said smiling sadly, “None of us want it. And we don’t think it’s fair that they made you do that. You’re too little. You’re just a kid. I was 12. When my Dad let them mark me. He could have done it to me at 10 but he made them wait. Usually you don’t have to…share your kid until they’re marked.”

“After you do though?” I asked him as I hugged my little brother on my knees Pat and John making their way back to our spot.

“Will what are you doing? Mike? Mike pal what’s going on?” John asked him bending down and picking him up which was something John had an easier time doing than I did. I might have been almost as tall as John but I was still younger and not as strong.  
Where John at the time had muscles even if they were starting to shrink. Him easily lifting Mike up and hugging him.

“We were talking about Marking,” Christian said.

“Guys,” Pat said shaking his head.

“It was last night,” I said to Pat.

“I know. John told me. It’s…you guys shouldn’t talk about that right now. It’s too soon. You know how bad that is for everyone? And they are just tiny still,” Pat said.

“We’re not tiny,” Matt insisted, “He’s just sad. It was a lot for him.”

“Considering,” I said nodding my head, “How about we go find mum guys?”

“Ok,” Matt said nodding his head in agreement and grabbing Mike’s leg pulling on his pant leg lightly to signal John should put him down.

“I’ve got him Matt, he’s fine. We’ll go,” John said shaking his head at Matt as we walked away Pat following us.

“Are you guys still coming to the movie?” Pat asked.

“Yeah,” Matt said.

“I’m still going,” I agreed.

“What about him? He seems like he’s tired,” Pat said.

“We’re going,” Matt said.

“Matt he’s his own person. He can decide if he wants to go or not,” Pat said.

“Pat, not right now,” I said shaking my head.

I didn’t care to explain to him how possessive Matty was of Mike. How Mike allowed Matt to boss him around. It wasn’t my place to try and explain and it wasn’t the time to try and argue the whole concept with Pat. I knew he meant well. Of course, he did but Mike was already upset and it wouldn’t help him feel any better listening to Matt fight over him like he wasn’t a person but more of a pet.

“Sorry,” Pat said nodding his head at me in agreement as we walked over to the car mum frowning as we approached John carrying Mike.

“What’s wrong love? Is it hurting?” she asked taking Mike from John’s arms.

“I didn’t want to mummy,” he whimpered.

“I know love. I know,” she said kissing his head, “Shhh…Shhh…. it’s ok. It’s ok wee love,” she said bouncing him in her arms like he was a toddler instead of an eight-year-old.

It actually looked pretty funny considering she was only 5’0 and he was just a few inches shorter than she was, “Are you boys ready? Everyone else in the car,” Mum said looking at us.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “We’re going to go home and change, right?”

“Yes, I’ll still take you guys if you want to go. Mike do you still want to go to the movie love?” she asked him now that he was no longer crying but just sniffling him nodding his head against her shoulder instead of using his words, “Ok. You can still go. Your brothers will watch you closely though. If you guys need me for anything you use a payphone and call and I’ll come get you ok?”

“We know mum,” John said as he climbed into the car before mum kissed Mike’s cheek again before setting him down in the van and letting him buckle himself in.

It didn’t take long for us to get home and start changing. For all four of us to get ready mum giving us 10 minutes to do so because she didn’t want to unpack everyone just to pack us back them back up into the van again. I wasn’t sure Mike should go. Not the way he was acting. With him crying and what not. Him seeming so…insecure. However, mum gave both him and Matt some Motrin and sent us on our way. Telling John to watch us and not to talk to any strangers.

Once we got inside John went to concessions while the three of us sat at a table. Me looking at them and then sighing before I laid down some rules, “We don’t talk about Da here ok? Or any of that. We can talk about school, we can talk about our friends but, we don’t talk about Da. I would rather pretend I’m normal if only for the next four hours.”

“That’s fine,” Matt said, “Can we talk about Tommy Boil?”

“Who is Tommy Boil?” I asked him.

“Our classmate,” Mike told me, “He got in trouble the other day.”

“What for?” I asked curious as to who this Tommy Boil was.

“Well Tommy apparently went over the playground gate during recess and was caught talking to one of the girls we have gym with, Clara Rushers. He said Clara was his girlfriend.”

“Girlfriend? Isn’t he 8?” I asked them.

“Yeah,” Matt said, “Our teachers weren’t happy. They asked if he intended to marry her and that he shouldn’t declare such a thing if his intentions weren’t serious.”

That made me chuckle a little bit. It did sound like something the fathers and sisters would tell him. No better way to scare an 8-year-old out of dating then make it sound like a lifelong commitment. It was a sound strategy. 

Just then John got back with the hot dogs, “I can’t say anything that exciting as happened at school for me. However, a lot of guys won’t talk to me.”

“Why?” Mike asked me frowning.

“I’m younger than they are,” I pointed out.

“But you’re older than we are,” Matt said.

“Well, yes. I skipped a grade though, remember?” I reminded them.

“So, they don’t talk to you because you’re younger than they are?” Mike asked me.

“Yeah, they apparently think I don’t know things or something,” I said.

“Maybe they are jealous because you’re so smart you skipped a grade,” Matt said as John set the food down on the table.

“Matt could be on to something there,” John said, “I mean you are really smart.”

“I don’t feel really smart most of the time,” I muttered.

“Just means they put you in the right grade,” John said smiling as Mike laughed, “I thought you had friends.”

“I do. Besides apparently Julian,” I said.

“What happened with Julian? I thought Cole hung around him sometimes,” John said.

“I don’t think he did. Apparently, he has a huge problem with Cole,” I said.

“Oh?” John questioned.

“He doesn’t like Cole because Cole is…,” I looked at Mike and Matt before trying to figure out how to say it because I wasn’t sure how much they understood about gay and straight and all of that, “Because Cole as a lot of very close guy friends.”

“I see,” John said, “That is a problem.”

“Considering that at least two other people at the table have some close guy friends as well, yes,” I agreed.

“Wait who? Are you talking about you too when you say two more people or…?”

“Why would he be mad about someone having guy friends?” Mike asked me, “All we have are guy friends outside of gym and art class. Does that mean Julian would hate us? He goes to an all boy’s school so it’s just silly to be mad that all of your friends just have a lot of close guy friends.”

“I think he means something different,” Matt said.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Mike said taking a bite of his hotdog.

“You mean special friends, right?” Matt asked us.

“Yes,” I said nodding my head.

I could get behind special friends. Special friends was a good way to put it. I found it hard to picture Teddy having special friends but in order to be friends with Teddy in the first place I had a feeling you had to be pretty special. Or like me apparently you had to have the patience of a saint even though I did understand Teddy a little better since learning more about his family. My stomach jumped a little thinking about Teddy’s family. Thinking about what I knew about Lionel because of Cole and Teddy and how Teddy and I might become special friends soon even if I didn’t want to be special friends with him.

“You ok?” John asked me just as Pat circled around behind him and put his hands over John’s eyes.

“Surprise,” he muttered quietly John smiling even though his eyes were covered.

“Hey,” he said grabbing Pat’s hands and removing them from his face.

“Hot dogs?” Pat asked him frowning slightly as he looked at us.

“We were hungry and it’s not like they have a lot to choose from,” John said shrugging his shoulders, “Is anyone else here yet?”

“Cole just went to the arcade,” Pat said pointing in the direction of this little corner of the waiting room filled with arcade games.

“Can we go?” Matt asked his mouth full of hot dog as he said it, his eyes lit up excitedly.

Great. They had to point that out to him. That was not my idea of fun. I wasn’t good at them. However, I knew they were mostly my responsibility because I was going to see the movie with them and a bunch of older girls and apparently Hannah.

John sighed before he pulled a 10-dollar bill out of his pocket, “Sure. Split that and share.” He said as Matt ran at him full speed swiping it from John’s hand and rushing off Mike following behind him with his soda.

“Well, I guess that is my que,” I said smiling at him as I finished my hotdog and grabbed my cup and Matt’s since those were supposed to our drinks for the movie as well.

By the time I had caught up they were already at the change machine filling their pockets with coins and discussing which games they were going to play first, “I want to do the two shooter over there,” Matt said.

“I want Pac man first. Can we play Pac man first?” Mike said.

“Ok, fine. We’ll play Pac man first,” Matt said.

“Go ahead guys, don’t wander far,” I said spotting Cole who was at one of those machines where you hit things over the head with a plastic mallet.

I walked over to him. He must have not seen me until I got closer him smiling at me nearly missing one of his targets. The windows were floor to ceiling leaving the window open for people passing by to see into the room. The sun high in sky making his hair seem almost like it was gold. Reminding me of one of the reasons why I had kissed him. Why I had wanted to. He may not have looked like Nick Carter because he was attractive. He was really attractive.

“What’s up?” he asked me.

“Not much,” I said, “I’m nervous about Mike being here. He seems to not be doing well.”

“I noticed that. He’ll be ok though. Even though Matt is like super possessive of him. It’s weird,” Cole noted.

“Yeah, I think it’s a twin thing. Matt doesn’t act that way with anyone else,” I said.

“What is it like? Having siblings that are twins?” he asked me.

“Well, they have this weird attachment to each other. Even the ones that aren’t identicals. They always want to be together. When they are little one will cry sometimes when the other one is wet or they’ll just start fussing because the other one is fussing. Otherwise they seem pretty normal. Even though Mike and Matt have their secret language. You’ve seen it,” I told Cole.

“Yes, they also tell each other to suck Dick,” Cole muttered, “Like that doesn’t happen enough in their lives.”

“Hey,” I said shaking my head, “Not here ok?”

“No one is listening,” Cole said looking around frowning at something behind me, “You might want to go…talk to them about stranger danger.”

“They were already warned about it. Why?” I asked turning around.

They were talking to some guy. Probably around the same age as Louis whom they had met. He didn’t seem dangerous but something about his body language read off. I turned back to Cole.

“You know who that is?” I asked him.

“Yeah, I do,” he said after squinting for a moment before nodding his head and walking over there leaving me to jog in order to catch up, “Neal, what are you doing?”

“Hey Cole, right?” The guy said rubbing the back of his neck smiling at us guiltily.

“You know, so don’t act like you don’t,” Cole spat at him, “What are you doing? Why did they let you out of your cage?”

“What?” Neal said frowning at him slightly.

“When did you get out?” Cole asked him.

“Three weeks ago,” Neal said.

“And you’re already scouting? Fuck off,” Cole said Neal’s face falling.

“I was talking to them. That’s it right guys? We were just talking,” Neal said looking at them.

“Yeah,” Matt said, “He was agreeing with me that shooting games are better than Pac man.”

“Get out of where?” I asked Cole quietly who shot me a look and shook his head as if to say “later”.

“You don’t need to be here. I’m sure you’re on a list for right now. Aren’t you going to get in trouble?” Cole asked him.

“That’s all-in appeals. I’ll be cleared,” Neal said.

“Guys, come on. We’re going to play over here,” I said grabbing Mike’s arm which of course Matt followed as I started to pull them away, “Did you guys start talking to him?”

“No, he started talking to us,” Mike said quietly, “I thought he was weird.”

“He is weird. Don’t talk to strangers. I don’t care how friendly they seem ok?” I said.

“He’s not a stranger. He knows Uncle Ben,” Matt told me.

“I don’t care who he knows he doesn’t know you, so you don’t talk to him. You understand?” I said to him.

“Why? It’s not like he can hurt us in front of a bunch of people and we’re not stupid enough to leave and go somewhere with him,” Matt said, “I had it under control.”

“In your very capable 8-year-old hands?” I snorted, “Yeah sure. Mum said don’t talk to strangers. You don’t know him you don’t talk to him. He’s not me, he’s not one of the people we’re going to the movies with, he’s not Pat or Cole or anyone else we’re meeting here so you don’t talk to him. You don’t talk to anyone. You have any idea what he could have done? He could have grabbed Mike, he could have tried to…,”

“He wasn’t going to try and take us anywhere. I knew he wouldn’t,” Matt insisted.

“How do you know?” I asked him.

“I just know. And if he ever tried to touch Mike I would have kicked him. Mike is mine. No one touches Mike but me,” Matt said his eyes cold.

“I’m tired of this. Mike belongs to Mike. Mike is his own person. You need to quit saying that to people. You know how upsetting that probably is to Mike? I mean look at him. Look at the look he’s giving you. He doesn’t like it when you say that so, stop saying it. If you really care about him you’ll stop,” I said pointing at Mike.

Every time Matt said it Mike would take intense interest in his feet and hug himself avoiding looking at everyone. He didn’t try to disagree with Matt but, he didn’t like him saying that to people. I was sure no one knew to what degree he was referring to. That they had an almost sexual relationship that it was at times was very sexual but that didn’t mean it was ok for Matt to constantly say it to everyone. Especially if it made Mike uncomfortable.

“It’s ok Willy,” Mike murmured quietly.

“No!” I said a bit more forcefully than I had meant to, “No, it’s not ok. You don’t like it. I can tell you don’t like it so he should stop. You need to tell him to stop.”

“He does all the time,” Matt said.

“When?” I asked him.

“He did just a minute ago. You didn’t hear it though. I heard him. I’m the boss though I can do what I want,” Matt told me.

“When you’re with me I’m the boss not you. You do what I tell you to. Not what you want. Tell him you’re sorry and you better stop before I tell mum because you know she will make you stop. She’ll separate you just like they keep you separate at school,” I warned him.

“Fine,” Matt said glaring at me before he turned to Mike, “Mike I’m sorry if I embarrass you by saying that. I don’t mean anything by it. I just want people to know they need to leave you alone because you’re my brother and you’re special.”

Mike smiled sadly at his feet and nodded his head, “I forgive you.”

“See? It’s ok. I said I was sorry. I’ll try to stop saying it ok?” Matt said to me.

“Ok,” I said as someone tapped me on the shoulder making me jump before I realized it was Cole.

“He’s gone, it’s cool. I threatened to call some pigs on him. He’s not supposed to be around places where kids hang out. That includes, Arcades, movie theaters, playgrounds, parks, amusement parks, library’s before 8pm, bowling alleys before 8pm, schools basically most public spaces,” Cole said a smug look on his face.

“Do I want to know what he did?” I asked him.

“I’ll tell you in a while,” Cole said, “You guys if you see him again you stay away from him. He is not a good person. He’s like my Dad ok? You can’t talk to him. He tries to talk to you again, you come get us. You come get Pat or me. You run away and you don’t go near him ok?”

“He’s a bad man?” Mike asked.

“Yeah,” Cole said, “You understand?”

“Yeah, I understand,” Mike said, “You understand too right Matty?”

“Yeah, whatever,” Matt said as Hunter and Christian started heading towards us with Hannah.

“Hey guys, what’s up?” Hunter asked probably reading the look on Coles face.

“Harris,” Cole said shaking his head.

“What? Where? When did he get out?” Hunter scoffed looking around.

“What did he say, Will you remember?” Cole asked me.

“Three weeks,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

“Well Ellen’s mom just dropped her and Talya off in the parking lot. They should be coming in a second. I’ll let them know just in case,” Hunter said, “Chris do you think you’re going to still see the faculty with us?”

“I really want to. I don’t know, Talya’s a bad ass she can handle it,” Christian said.

“You sure?” Cole asked him, “I mean you and Hunter are the oldest here so it only makes sense that you would be the…”

“What? The ones in charge? We’re supposed to be chilling today. Minimal responsibility's. That’s why we invited the girls so we could all get a break from the horror show and have some fun,” Christian said, “Talia’s got it. She carries pepper spray. Anyone goes near them she will have no problem spraying them in the eyes and screaming fire trust me.”

“Ok,” Cole said nodding his head, “I’m going to go tell Pat and John about it and then we’ll pool money and go purchase tickets.”

“Hannah, you want to play some Arcade games with Mike and Matt?” Christian asked her.

“Yeah, can we play the shooter game?” Hannah asked.

“I love shooter games!” Matt said excitedly grabbing her hand and practically dragging her back towards the arcade.

“Well, I’m going to go with them make sure someone’s keeping an eye out,” Chris said, “I’ll see you guys in what? 10 minutes?”

“Yeah since the movie starts in 20 and you’re buying how many tickets?” Hunter said.

“I was going to buy for me, Dom, John, Pat, Ellen, Celia and then I was going to grab the tickets for Prince of Egypt I think or Talya is. I’m not sure sure, Tails!” Christ shouted as Ellen and Talya walked in the door, “Are you grabbing the tickets for Prince of Egypt?”

“Yeah for me, Dee, Hannah and the boys who are…,” Talya said scanning the crowd, 

“They just left to go play arcade games with Christian and Hannah. They are Matt and Mike. I’m Will.”

“It’s nice to meet you. So, you’re my date for the night?” she asked teasingly, smiling as I felt my face flush lightly.

“I guess so?” I asked, “I’m going to go…and huh, I’ll be back.”

I said leaving as I heard her and Ellen break into a fit of giggles. I’d never been on a date before. I was pretty sure it was a joke but it was still weird. And she was pretty. She looked Asian with dark hair and dark eyes a little bit of an accent I couldn’t place. She seemed friendly, her whole smile spreading across every inch of her face as she giggled at me while I walked away. Walking over to find them in the middle of a hushed conversation.

“So, you’re saying he got off?” Pat asked Cole.

“That’s what he said. He said that he’s on the list for two years. He’s fucking lucky or we’re fucking unlucky. Usually you touch a kid outside the brotherhood they’ll let you rot. They should fucking let him rot, piece of shit. And he’s just over there talking to them like no one is going to know he’s not to supposed to be here,” Cole said.

“Ok, so who is this guy?” I asked Cole.

“He’s a recruit,” Cole said, “His name is Neal Harris. He got caught molesting some poor kid at the park about a year and half ago. For once Hank wasn’t the first one on scene and he was booked before Hank realized he had even been caught. So, he had to go to jail, he’s supposed to be staying on the list but apparently someone is pulling strings to get him off it.”

“What? How old was this kid?” I asked.

“Like 8 or 9,” Cole said, “Apparently it wasn’t anything serious by brotherhood standards but it was enough to scare the kid and get the attention of some strangers nearby who held him hostage and called the cops. I don’t know how bad it was but rumor in the brotherhood was he was just giving the kid a massage. A massage in the fucking park in broad day light?”

“Must have been one hell of a massage for someone to call the cops on him,” I muttered.

“He’s very touchy. Honestly, I was about ready to fucking beat him when I saw him standing that close to Matt. He’s a toucher, he’s always touching. Rubbing up against them. You know. I’m sure you have an idea of what I’m talking about right Will?” Cole asked causing me to nod my head.

When I had gone with Lionel to the zoo even when we were in public he had always been in contact with my body. Whether that was wrapping his arms around my torso or waist and holding me against his body or holding my hand. He had been touching me every second he could. It had been subtle but, it had still been unnerving. It hadn’t been something I was comfortable with or enjoyed even slightly.

Just then Kristoff tapped Pat on the shoulder two girls standing away from him a bit. They looked similar. It didn’t take much to tell they were probably twins. Somehow my life felt like it was being taken over by twins if I stopped and thought about it too hard. The only difference was one had lighter hair that was straight while the other had deep brown, long curly hair the fell neatly in ringlets over her shoulders. She looked like the nice one. If identical twins seemed to have anything in common it seemed that one was always a bit more outgoing or at the very least more vindictive than the other.

“Hi Cee, Hi Dee,” Pat said, “Did you take your happy pills today?”

“I’m going with the kids anyway remember? So, don’t you worry about me and my mood you fuck face.”

My mouth fell open or I made a sound because everyone turned to look at me Dee clearing her throat, “Sorry. Pat and I don’t get along. And you are?”

“That’s Will,” John said nodding his head at her.

“Sorry, Will,” Dee said.

“It’s ok,” I said quietly.

I knew a little bit about her from Cole and Pat. That Patrick and Delia had dated for a while before John came around. Before Pat decided he had feelings for John. I could understand why John being around would be upsetting however, I hoped whatever disdain she felt for John didn’t spread over to me and Mike and Matt. Especially when they were supposed to be protecting us. Making sure that people like this Neal guy stayed away from us.

Talya came up to me waving a ticket at me, “Will you want to help me make sure everyone has concessions?” she asked me, “Since you are the gentleman of this expedition tonight.”

I felt my face flush again. I wasn’t a gentleman and I’d hardly call a movie an expedition but her smile was big and bright again Dee going “awe…” somewhere behind me.

“He’s just shy,” Cole and John said in unison.

“Come,” Talya said grabbing my hand and pulling me away to where Matt was standing in front of the soda Machine, Mike and were attempting to wipe at the floor with napkins. Apparently one of the drinks had overflowed while Matt was refiling it causing a bit of a hold up at the drink area while Mike helped the poor girl clean it up. I grabbed a drink carrier and apologized for the mess as I finished filling the drinks and got them together.

It didn’t take long for us to actually get into the theater after that point and we actually enjoyed the movie everyone sitting quietly. The music was actually catchy and the animation was great. It’s still one of my favorite animated movies of all time. The animation of the parting of the red sea still breath taking. When we got out everyone that had been at the other movie was standing around outside talking, Christian and Hannah leaving right away as soon as Talia brought us all outside the crowd of us slowly thinning as we stood there waiting for mum to come pick us up. 

“So?” Cole said after a minute or two as we watched Hunter and Ellen walk across the parking lot back to Hunter’s car and take off, “Who hopes your mom shows up first here?”

“Me,” we all muttered quietly Mike and Matt giggling slightly at the fact that we had all said the same thing at once.

“Yep,” Cole agreed nodding his head and joining their laughter.

John sighed letting go of Pat’s hand and smiling at him distractedly as someone hit him in the back with the door coming out into the parking lot.

“Sorry…” the guy said to John frowning as he looked at him, “Hey I know you. John, right?”

John gave the guy an awkward smile, “Hey.” He said.

“You remember me?” the guy asked taking a drink making that slurping sound through his straw as it sucked up the last of his drink.

John nodded his head his eyes going wide. Something seeming off. He knew this guy but he obviously didn’t like him. I could tell the guy was making him nervous. That he wanted whoever he was to go away John standing up a little straighter, scanning the area behind him. Like he was looking for someone else. Anticipating someone else being there.

“I’m kind of busy.”

“Oh well, excuse me,” the guy said turning around as someone put their hand on his shoulder him grabbing the hand of an older guy probably close to our Da’s age John going dead still like he had just been stared at by medusa and turned to stone.

“Hey there,” the guy said smiling at John.

Something wasn’t right. Something was very wrong. I remember thinking that as John took a step back Pat grabbing his shoulder.

“I heard your Dad’s out of town,” the man said his smile growing.

Yeah, ok. I didn’t know who this guy was but, he wasn’t a good guy. He wasn’t anywhere close to a good guy the way his eyes quickly scanned John’s body.

“For a while yeah,” Matt said, “Who are you?”

He made me want to smack him. I had told him not to talk to anyone. Mum had told him not to talk to anyone he didn’t know, Cole had and Pat as well as John and yet here he was talking to another strange man he didn’t know. This kid had some type of self-destructive instinct he needed to get a better grip on because right now he was on my last nerve.

“I’m your Dad’s friend, Leo,” the guy said holding out his hand and then realizing he was offering it to a small child that was frowning at him running it through his hair as he looked at Matt.

“I’ve never seen you before,” Matt said his frown growing bigger by the second as he stared at the guy.

“We don’t talk to strangers Matt,” Cole said grabbing Matt roughly by the shirt sleeve and pulling both him and Mike away leaving me standing there as I tried to figure out who this guy was and what he was doing.

“Hanging out with your friends?” Leo asked John his attention turning back to him.

I swore I heard John gulp. Whoever this guy was John didn’t like him. Not even a little bit. Pat giving John’s shoulder a squeeze smiling at the guy.

“I’m Pat,” Pat said to him.

Leo frowned at Pat looking from John to Pat and back to John again. I didn’t know what he thought he was seeing but he frowned his voice going cold, “Well Pat, I was talking to John. Who is in charge while your Dad is gone? Your Uncle? You want a ride home? Maybe I should give him a call and see what he says.”

“No,” John said shaking his head glancing around behind him as best he could without turning his back to Leo, “mum is and she’s on her way.”

Just then a car pulled up I didn’t recognize right in front of us trapping us between this guy who was standing in front of the door and the car as I looked over to see Cole holding hard to Matt’s elbow who was frowning at him, saying something to Matt in a harsh whisper, probably telling him off for talking to strangers. The window rolled down Hank leaning over the passenger side as he looked at us, looked at Cole and Pat.

John must have seen him or known it was him. He nearly tripped over his own foot stumbling into Patrick again grabbing Pat’s shoulder before he fell over, “I think I need to use the rest room. John come with me.” Pat said grabbing John’s hand hard and pushing past Leo back into the building and into the rest room. Cole looking up and looking at the direction they just went in.

“Cole could you…?” Hank shouted.

“Yeah, I got him,” Cole said not letting go of Matt’s hand which caused Mike to follow him.

I wasn’t about to stand there with those two guys because the odds of either one of them being remotely safe was pretty close to zero if they really decided they wanted to hurt someone and I didn’t know if Hank would look at me like that but, Leo the other guy had just checked my older brother and I didn’t want him looking at me like that so I too followed everyone into the bathroom.

I heard John swear loudly and then a loud bang probably as he kicked a bathroom stall or something in frustration. That guy was someone who had probably hurt John. I could tell. He froze up like that around Hank, around Da and Uncle Ben. That guy had hurt him. I didn’t know when but, he must have. That coupled with Hank pulling up behind him had probably made him feel trapped, feel sick.

At that point I wasn’t only worried about John but also Mike and Matt. How dangerous was this guy? If he had hurt John how did I know he wouldn’t hurt me? Or worse them? And mum wasn’t here. We could have always asked to go with Hank but, I wouldn’t do that to John. I didn’t even want to think about what that would do to John having to ride in a car with him. I didn’t blame him for feeling trapped. I felt pretty trapped too.

“Your ok right now,” Pat said to him.

“Barely,” John said his voice sounding like he was trying hard not to cry Cole standing there with Mike and Matt by the bathroom door him gesturing with his hand for me to go inside the bathroom and me putting a finger to my lips, telling him to be silent.  
Telling him I thought we should wait.

“No, John, you’re having a panic attack right now. You need to calm down. You have three people out there that you need to hold it together ok?” I heard Pat mutter to him.

John sighed, “Ok, you’re right. I need to focus.” He said his voice sound calmer. More aware and relaxed, less emotional.

“Who is that?” Pat asked him.

I could hear the worry in Pat’s voice. Pat knew it was someone bad too. Someone that had probably hurt him. I sighed pinching the bridge of my nose something hitting me. I knew that guy. I knew him. I had seen him before and even then, he had creeped me out. Where did I know him from?

“Someone I know,” John barely muttered.

“Rabbit,” Pat said, “Don’t keep it to yourself. Talking about it can help.”

John snorted his voice getting a little louder, making him easier to hear, to understand, “He’s right out there, Pat. How the fuck is talking going to help me right now? You want to hear it’s someone I’ve fucked? Is that what you want to know? Yes, I know him very well.” John spat.

Yeah, he was really not ok. He was trying to get his emotions under control but he was scared. Panicked. I could tell by the sound in his voice he was trying not to break down again. That he didn’t want to think about how he knew that guy. That he hadn’t wanted to talk about it. That Pat asking him about it was like someone pulling teeth for John.

“Ok,” Pat said after a minute of silence, “I think I should go before my dad comes looking for me. I’ll see you later ok?” he said and then I heard a smooching sound, like maybe Pat and John kissing, “Call me and let me know you got home safe. I’ll send the kids in.”

I didn’t hear anything else but Pat walked out smiling sadly at us, Mike and Matt taking that as their que to go into the bathroom. I looked at Pat. I wasn’t sure what to say. I wanted him and Cole to stay but them staying meant Hank would be staying because he was out there waiting for them. But John might have snapped at Pat but he didn’t mean it. He was just upset. He loved Pat, I knew he did. He was just scared.

“You know he didn’t mean it right?” I asked him quietly.

“What? Oh,” Pat said nodding his head in understanding, “Yeah, I know. He’s just upset. He’ll be all right though. Make sure he gives me a call when you guys get home, yeah?”

“Yeah, I’ll make sure he remembers. I’ll try to anyway,” I said walking into the bathroom.

“I don’t feel good,” John said slowly him gripping the sides of a sink so hard his knuckles were white not really looking at anyone.

“Maybe that guy, Leo can drive us home. He said he would. All he wants us to do is call Uncle Ben or mum first,” Matt said to which John shook his head frowning at the sink as if the sink itself where the one speaking.

“Are you scared of him?” Mike asked John going up and grabbing John’s elbow.

“I huh. I don’t like him ok?” John asked Mike.

“Why? Did he suck your Dick?” Matt asked an amused smile on his face.

“MATT!” I yelled at him shaking my head.

That was very unneeded. Couldn’t he see how upset John was? Didn’t that matter to him at all that our brother was on the verge of tears in the men’s bathroom at the cinema because he didn’t like this guy? Because this guy had offered to drive us home, checked him out? He heard him tell Pat what had happened. That Leo had fucked him, raped him. Matt knew that, he had heard it and yet he had to go say something like that.

“What?” Matt said turning to me, shrugging his shoulders, “He probably did.”

“You don’t ask people that. Seriously, what’s wrong with you?” I asked Matt.

“Sorry,” Matt said smiling, not looking even a bit sorry, “It happens though.”

“Not in normal families it doesn’t,” I said feeling a grimace cross my face. He had to be kidding me.

Just then someone else walked into the bathroom me looking up. It was that guy. As I looked at him, his general height, his dark brown, slightly gray hair it hit me where I knew him. Where I remembered him from. He had been at the grocery store. He had been the one following us. The guy who had kept looking at John and us while we were there with Karen. I shook my head. He knew Da?

“Give me your mum’s number. You guys shouldn’t be waiting to get home,” he said.

‘’We’d rather walk I think,” I said bravely gesturing Mike and Matt over towards me where I was standing closer to the door. I didn’t want him touching them. I didn’t want him looking at them. Nor at John. These were my brothers.

It was one of the moments where I felt most possessive of them, like it was my responsibility to protect all three of them because John wasn’t doing well. He really wasn’t. This guy had him so scared he was almost in tears. I didn’t know what this guy had done to him, not specifically but over hearing what he had told Pat made me angry. John didn’t deserve that. No one did. I wanted to guy gone and I wanted him gone now.

“Why don’t you three go wait outside while I talk to your brother?” he asked me smiling, looking at Mike and Matt and smiling.

It was a strained smile like his patience was wearing thin. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he was just trying to get John alone. So, he could hurt him, touch him. That wasn’t happening. I wouldn’t let it happen. No way.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I said looking at John trying to communicate to him to come over towards us so this guy wasn’t standing in-between us, so that he could leave with us. So, he could be safe with us. Mike and Matt needed him to watch out for them. And he needed me to protect him. I couldn’t protect him if he was on the other side of the room, or worse, in a different room with this guy alone.

“No,” John said while he shook his head something going on behind his eyes, him thinking about something, thinking about it carefully taking a deep breath, “Go wait for mum. I’ll be out in a second.”

At that he turned and slammed a bathroom stall door locking himself in. I could hear him heaving. I felt like my whole body was so angry I was going to start shaking. I wanted this guy, Leo. I wanted him gone. He had no right to do this to my brother. No right. That was my brother and he needed me. I wasn’t leaving that bathroom without him.

Matt pulled on the sleeve of my shirt pulling me out of the bathroom and Mike grabbed my hand making sure I didn’t fight it, that I followed them. I was mad but I didn’t want to cause a scene. There was already so much going on. John would be even more embarrassed if I tried to fight them, to stay in there. He was after all locked in a bathroom stall.

“You guys!” I said making them let go of me, “You guys we can’t leave him alone in there.”

“He told us to go wait for mum,” Matt said, “Maybe there’s a reason for that. Maybe this guy is dangerous ok? You don’t know. I know you want to help him but, maybe the best way to help him is to make sure we stay out of the way. So, let’s go wait for mum outside. You know he won’t come out until she gets here. And it’s a public bathroom. Someone has to go in there. An adult at some point. You know mums on her way so let’s just wait for her ok?”

Matt did have a point. I didn’t know what this guy was like only that he wanted to hurt John more than likely. I didn’t know how strong he was or how mean. I had no idea about what he was like other than he had probably been keeping an eye on John in some capacity for a while. I couldn’t just leave Mike and Matt by themselves either to sort it out. I couldn’t not when that other guys might still be around, what was his name? Neal? I knew for a fact he was dangerous. That he had gone to jail for molesting some strange boy in a park. An 8-year-old strange boy. That meant there was a good chance that if he had the opportunity he wouldn’t waste it. That he would try to hurt one of them.

Just as we made it to the front door I saw the van pull up me turning around and taking that opportunity to shout into the bathroom, “Mum’s here.”

John must have opened the stall and ran past Leo because he ran past me and outside ahead of me, just as Mike and Matt started climbing into the van me doing the same. I felt lucky. Grateful, that mum had shown up when she did. If she hadn’t I didn’t picture things going well for us. Me settling into the back seat and doing up my seat belt before I slid the door closed.

Mum looked at John and asked him if he was ok as he leaned back in his seat exhaling as she pulled out of the lot, “Yeah. Great. Fine, let’s go.”

“What’s wrong?” She asked him.

“Some guy saw him and he just flipped out,” Matt said.

“Some guy?” Mum questioned Matt frowning into the review mirror.

“Yeah,” Matt said nodding his head at mum, “I think it’s a guy who…”

I put my hand over his mouth smiling at mum. He didn’t need to tell her. It wasn’t his place to say anything about it. That and he was probably going to say something really crass knowing him and the way he worded things and I didn’t think that was something he needed to say in front of Cat and James and the rest of our siblings who were sleeping in the seats behind us.

“A guy who what?” Mum said frowning at me in the rearview mirror this time.

I felt my face getting warm. I didn’t want to think about someone doing that to John. That was gross. And you could almost feel it when you thought about it.

My brain blanking out for a second as my face flushed before I cleared my throat shaking my head, trying to shake away the feeling of the slight pinches against my ankles, slowly moving up my leg not that that past Friday but the one before as Lionel…has he worked his way up my body with his mouth. Biting and licking me every couple of inches until I couldn’t sit still. Until I was wiggling and wishing I could find my voice to beg him to stop. To just beg him to not do it anymore.

“Mum,” I said closing my eyes and saying something to pull myself back into the present, “Matty has no filter. He’s about to say something really inappropriate that you don’t need to hear and may or may not be true. So, please don’t encourage him.”

Mum sighed heavily, “Matt, you don’t answer for your brothers. Whatever you are about to say find a politically correct way to say it or don’t say it at all.”

Mike frowned at me, giving me that look like he was silently asking me what politically correct meant. They were 8. It wasn’t a phrase that my mum had often used. I don’t think I had ever heard her use it before however when I was away at boarding school the teachers would often say “be politically correct gentlemen” before starting class discussions because even at 10 sometimes rude and improper language is an issue. Especially if it’s a heated discussion.

“I think it was someone who is really friendly with John,” Matt said kind of quietly.

“Wait what?” Mum said turning away from traffic to look at John her eyes wide in fear and shock.

“I don’t want to talk about it. He made me uncomfortable is all,” John told her looking out the window.

“Well, we’ll talk about it later then,” Mum said turning back to traffic, “How was the movie?”

“It was good,” John said still looking out the window.

“We liked ours too,” Mike said nodding his head.

I saw John shake his head as he slowly turned to look at mum. So, she had no idea that he wasn’t seeing the same movie we were. I didn’t know that. However, that did make sense as to why mum had allowed him to go to a rated-R movie. Because she hadn’t known he was seeing one. If John hadn’t been in trouble before…well, he was now.

“I thought you all went to the same movie?” Mum said to him.

I saw John bring his hands up to his face. He was probably blushing. When he did something bad and got caught for it he usually felt guilty. I’d seen that look of horrified confession on his face a million times. Like the time we were 8 and visiting great Aunt Fiona and he had broken a really old vase. A really old really expensive vase.

“Was I not supposed to say that?” Mike asked me quietly.

“Don’t worry about it,” I told him as we pulled up our street and stopped for the gate to open, “You want to help me get Andy and Laura out of the car seats?”

“I’ll help,” Matt said causing me to frown.

I had told mum about some of that stuff but, I’m not sure how much she believed me because she hadn’t seemed to have done anything about it but, I didn’t trust him. Not when it came to unbuckling the buckle holding them in. That was too close to certain areas than I wanted his hands to go on our little brother. The little brother he had climbed on top of and held down. That just told me that while normal people didn’t think about that, didn’t have that thought cross their minds when they unbuckled their children his brain probably went there and I didn’t want to think of it going there.

“No, Mike can help,” I said to him as the car came to a stop in front of the garage.

Once we got everyone inside it wasn’t that hard to get everyone upstairs not with mum and John helping. I don’t know what they did but they talked about some stuff me sitting in the living room. Nothing seemed changed really. Nothing seemed different until I got back from school the next day.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will finds things are changing fast after John has a break down he checks Da's emails and finds out some disturbing things about upcoming events.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 318 to 339 **Warnings: talk of sexual abuse/ rape/non-con, mental health issues, PTSD, Panic attack, talk of forced age play, talk of forced cross dressing** I didn't do great at editing this but I'm tired today so forgive me if you find any huge spelling mistakes let me know. **John's POV pt1 chapter 30 & 31 **

When I got home, mum was downstairs in the kitchen feeding Mac, Andy and Laura. It was weird. Seeing everyone downstairs. John at the table looking happy. It almost seemed like it had been back home. All of us in the house together, the real house. Happy and like a real family.

However, I did wonder why everyone was downstairs. I mean Uncle Ben was still a threat and he was probably around somewhere. The idea that he was there and Mike and Matt and James along with Cat would be home in about 15 minutes. It didn’t seem like a good idea to be downstairs.

“Why is everyone downstairs?” I asked putting my book bag down on the floor by my feet as I sat down at the table.

“Well, we’re going to be going in a while. I’ve gotten almost enough money and I figured we might as well make use of the house while we’re still here. So, I’m making a pot roast and Mary and Seamus are napping in the play pin in the living room while I feed these three,” Mum said.

“Where’s uncle Ben?” I asked her.

“Apparently he’s out of town for a bit. He said there was some stuff he had to take care of,” Mum answered my question.

“Yeah, I bet he does,” John said reaching down and putting one of his textbooks in his bag before pulling out another one.

“So, you mean I don’t have to cook dinner tonight?”

“No, everyone had a good day so I’m making a pot roast. Dinner is all taken care of love,” Mum said.

I shot John a questioning look that he didn’t see. Just the way he said what he did made me wonder what he knew. If there was something he wasn’t telling me or mum because he didn’t want us to know. It made me wonder what it was and if it was bad or…just what it was.

Me deciding to concentrate on my homework the best I could while I still had time to work on my own uninterrupted. When everyone came in there was a lot of laughing and giggling until they realized we were all right there in the downstairs kitchen Mike’s eyes going wide and him looking around like he was scared. Like he was looking for Uncle Ben.

“He’s not here pal,” John said, “He’s gone right now. Otherwise we wouldn’t be down here.”

“He’s right love,” Mum said smiling at him, “He’s gone right now. I would never have everyone down here if he was around. I love you guys too much to trust him anywhere near you.”

“Is he coming back?” Matt asked.

“Not for a couple days I don’t think,” John said.

“That’s what he told me too,” Mum said.

“Cool,” Mike said nodding his head and sitting down at the table putting his bag on the table and digging through it before pulling something out of it and setting it on the table.

“Love, don’t put your bag on the table. I’m making dinner and those things get set on the floor and dragged on the ground,” Mum said taking his bag and setting it on the floor.

“Sorry mummy I had to look for my math,” he said holding a crumpled work sheet in his fists before putting it on the table.

“It’s ok, just try to remember not to put it on the table. This table is mostly for eating,” Mum said smiling at him before she walked over, “Let’s take a look at this. Oh, this looks simple enough. Do you think you’re going to need help?”

“No, I think I’ve got it mummy,” he said as mum leaned down and kissed his hair.

By the time we were mostly done with homework dinner was ready and mum severed us before grabbing her own plate and sitting down with us. We all ate in silence for a minute or two before she asked us all a question.

“Anything exciting happen at school today?”

“We had art class today,” Catty answered her before taking a bite of potatoes, “we did models of what our world looks like. My world had black and red butterflies.”

“Why black and red?” John asked her smiling.

“Because she said what our world looks like and black and red are good colors. I like them,” she told him.

“Did you put some knifes in your world?” Matty asked Cat.

“No,” she said frowning and shaking her head, “I don’t like knifes.”

“You should. Knifes are good for stabbing bad people,” Matt told her.

“Matty, knifes are for food. Not for people,” Mum said taking a bite of her food before she drank some water giving him a quizzical look.

“Then why did that guy hold one to my neck last weekend?” Matt asked.

What? I remember thinking that. I knew that the night before the movie had been their branding but, I didn’t remember any knifes being at mine. Completely forgetting about what he had told me in the bedroom. About the knife to his throat. The idea scared me. Someone holding a knife to his throat.

Mum cleared her throat before she smiled at him calmly even though her eyes looked panicked, “What guy?” she asked him.

“When Uncle Ben took us to that house,” Mike answered for him.

John put down his fork, “Guys, can we not talk about…?”

Mum cleared her throat before shooting John a look, “No. They want to talk about it let them. What did he do with the knife Matty love?”

“He held it to my neck and said if I didn’t quit squirming he was going to cut a hole in my neck,” Matt answered before turning back to his food.

The way he said it was strange. He said it like it wasn’t a big deal. Like he got a knife held to his neck every day. Like someone threatened to cut a hole in his throat every day. He was a strange child.

“Why would he do that?” Mum asked.

She looked scared but like she was listening closely. Like she was trying to make sure she remembered it for later. I knew she had been trying to keep notes. That she wanted us to keep notes that way if we ever got away we could call the police or the FBI or something and get them arrested. Get them all sent to prison but I felt like that was a bad idea. All of it seemed like a bad idea to me.

“Because I didn’t want him sticking his thing in my throat so I bit him,” Matt said.

I nearly choked on my water. I can’t believe mum had told him it was ok to talk about this in front of our siblings many of who were under the age of 5. It didn’t seem like a wise idea to me. Especially because it would tip James off that if we didn’t get out of this he would be the next to experience that. The idea of it hurting. None of them deserved what was happening to them or going to happen to them if we didn’t get away and stay away.

“Mum, I don’t think this is something that should be discussed at dinner,” John said before raking a hand through his hair. His eyes as wide in shock was mine probably were.

“This is our lives John. It’s something that you guys need to be open with me about so that when the time comes…” John didn’t let her finish.

“You can what? Tell the cops? What good is tormenting yourself with hearing about it going to do mum? If I told you everything that ever happened to me in detail you would never get out of bed and you know it, just like I do. Andrew and Laura are almost old enough to understand and do you really want Catherine and James exposed to more of it than they have to be? Please mum, just not at dinner,” John pleaded with her.

He looked desperate. Like he just wanted to eat in peace. Like he just wanted 30 minutes where he didn’t have to think about it. Where he didn’t have to worry about what someone said or did. Where he didn’t have to worry about his mind panicking on him because he could feel them touching him when someone talked about them and what they did.

“It’s not like she doesn’t know, you realize?” Matt asked John as he put down his fork frowning at him, “I don’t think it’s weird. I just didn’t want to. Uncle Ben said it was the guys way of making sure I knew he was in charge. It’s no big deal.”

That statement worried me. That he thought that was normal. That he thought another guy raping him or doing those things to him was normal just like he thought it was normal or ok when Da did it. None of it was acceptable.

“Matt, it is weird and it’s dangerous and it’s wrong, ok? We don’t need to talk about this,” John said shaking his head as he looked at the table top.

I could tell John was close to losing it. He was shaking but trying to hide it. That’s why he had put his fork down. That’s why his hands were touching his head to hide the shaking they were doing, the tremors that were going through his body as he tried to keep himself calm. Tried to hide how upset he was from everyone.

“If it’s so wrong then why in the vid…OUCH!” Matt shouted as the table rattled a little bit mum shooting John a dirty look.

“John did you just kick your brother?” Mum asked him.

“Hey!” John hissed, “He wants to talk about his shit, fine. But, he’s not talking about mine.”

Mum shook her head glaring at him. I did have to admit that it was childish, him kicking Matt under the table. I understood not wanting Matt to talk about something that concerned him. It wasn’t fair to talk about another people’s abuse. It hurt to hear someone talk about what had happened to you. It just reminded you that everyone knew. That everyone could see it.

“You don’t kick your brothers. I don’t care what he was about to say. Who knows? Maybe it’s something I need to hear because obviously you don’t tell me things,” she said looking at John.

“I’ve told you enough,” he said shaking his head.

“Matt what are you saying?” Mum asked Matt, encouraging him to keep talking, to keep telling us all what he had been about to say.

John didn’t need to sit there and listen to that. He deserved more consideration than that. I knew how I would feel if I had to sit there and listen to someone talk about the things Lionel or Da had made me do. I would feel down right pissed. I probably would have started crying and throwing things.

“Mum, don’t,” I said shaking my head.

“No,” Mum said glaring at me, “I want to hear it. Matt, what were you saying?”

John sighed turning and looking at Matt shaking his head. He didn’t even really look angry just more tired. Tired and depressed. Tired of being reminded that this was the life we had. That there wasn’t anything we could do to stop it. That we just had to deal with it.

“Da showed me a video with John and him in bed and John was making lots of sounds. You know like happy sounds,” Matt said as John got up from the table his chair scraping the floor as he got up from the table and walked away, “He seemed like he might have really liked it.”

Mum sighed looking at John but didn’t go after him, letting him leave. She knew she had made a mistake in letting him talk about it. Everyone watching Matt. James sighing loudly before he mumbled something to himself.

“What was that love?” she asked him.

“It feels funny sometimes,” James said, “When he uses his mouth and stuff. It doesn’t really hurt but it feels really funny and sometimes you make weird sounds. That doesn’t mean John liked it though. Right?”

“Right,” Mum and I said in unison nodding our heads.

“I only make sounds like that when it feels good though,” Matt said shrugging his shoulders.

“What sounds?” Cat asked frowning at us.

“Well,” Mum said, “You know how sometimes the babies screech when they laugh and it seems like they don’t mean to but they’re doing it because it tickles?”

“Yeah,” Catty said nodding her head.

“Well, sometimes when someone is touching someone else it’s kind of like laughing only it sounds a little different. That’s the type of sounds the boys are talking about,” Mum said.

“What does it sound like though?” Cat asked.

I felt my face turning red just thinking about it. How those moans could spill out of you no matter how hard you were trying not to let them out. No matter how bad it made you feel when you couldn’t hold them back. How you almost wished you were gagged just so you didn’t have to hear them. Just so you couldn’t make them. I didn’t want to even think about those sounds. How Lionel made me make those sounds and sometimes Da.

“Willy what’s wrong?” James asked me before getting out of his seat and coming over and hugging me before he whispered in my ear, “It’s ok she’s just little. She doesn’t understand.”

“I know,” I said nodding my head as I heard my voice breaking.

“Will love, why don’t you go get cleaned up?” Mum asked me.

It was her way of telling I was excused in order to pull myself together because she could tell I was close to crying and she knew I hated crying. That I didn’t like doing it at all let alone in front of people. I nodded my head getting up and walking down the hallway and into the powder room.

I looked at myself in the mirror I wasn’t crying yet but she was right, I was close to it. I hated that he had…how Lionel made it almost harder than Da to hold back those sounds. Those sounds I didn’t want to make that seemed almost like they had a life of their own. Those gasp and sputters and squeaks. I splashed my face with water before coming back to the table.

“So, we’re supposed to write everything down?” Mike asked, “But, won’t Da be mad?”

“Da won’t know love,” Mum answered, “I’m going to start taking the wee ones upstairs. I’ll be back in a couple of minutes.”

She got up from the table letting Mac out of his highchair and picking him up and walking away. I was left sitting there with my half-eaten food and Matt go up and rinsed off his plate before grabbing a sheet of paper out of his binder and starting to write something down.

“What are you writing?” I asked him.

“Mum said we should write down what happened at the party where they burned us, so I’m writing it down,” Matt told me.

“All of it?” I asked him to which he nodded his head.

“I think she meant in those journals she got us,” I told him.

“Well yeah, but mine is upstairs,” Matt told me.

“Maybe you should wait until later when we’re upstairs then?” I suggested.

I didn’t have an issue with him writing it down. I just didn’t want Uncle Ben showing up at some point unexpectedly or him leaving it out somewhere on accident where Uncle Ben could find it. I didn’t picture that ending well at all. In fact, I pictured it ending very badly. I loved Matt, I did. I didn’t want him to get hurt because of something small and stupid. I didn’t want him to get hurt for anything.

At the time I thought the treatment that he dealt with and the treatment he watched Mike deal with is probably what made him so unlike anyone else. I knew Uncle Ben could be violent. I had been on the receiving end of his temper before. I knew that probably had something to do with it but, the rest was probably something he was just born with, that it probably wasn’t his fault.

I heard mum moving around Matt eventually putting away his paper and him and Mike and going into the living room. I started doing dishes since I was finished with my homework and if Da did randomly show up he wouldn’t be happy with a dirty kitchen and mum always seemed to be in a better mood when things were clean. At some point she came back downstairs alone, putting a baby monitor on the counter and standing next to me tapping me on the shoulder to get my attention.

“Move love, I’ll wash and you can dry ok?” she told me.

“I usually wash though,” I said.

“Yeah but, I’m here and I’m moving around. The maid comes tomorrow so I can wash,” Mum said to which I scooted over grabbing a nearby dish towel, “How are you doing?”

“I’m ok,” I answered.

“You and John both got upset. I didn’t mean to upset you boys I just…this is life. The more we’re open about it and the less secrets we have the better off we’ll be. Secrets especially these type of secrets tend to be like wounds. If you don’t take care of them they fester and become dangerous. You understand that?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Mum I have a question.”

“Yes, love?” she asked me.

“Well, you know how I can get into Da’s emails and stuff? Should I print them out, important ones about us?” I asked her as she turned to look at me.

“Wouldn’t he be able to tell you were reading them?” she asked me.

“Not if I read ones he’s already opened,” I told her, “If I’m careful he won’t know.”

“It would be helpful. We are going to be leaving soon. In about a month or so,” she said.

Now it was my turn to look shocked. We were leaving that soon? It didn’t save me completely. I was even supposed to see him as soon as Friday but that meant only 3 more Fridays like that at the most. That was it? Three more and I was done. I didn’t ever have to do that again?

“Are you ok?” she asked me.

I swallowed nodding my head. I was more than ok. I was grateful. I wanted to even break down and tell her why but knew that I couldn’t. That it wasn’t safe yet to let her know. That if I told her she could be killed. If she died we’d never get out.

“I’m fine, you want me to go upstairs and see what I can find out?” I asked her.

“Yes, don’t let me know when though,” she said and I nodded my head drying my hands on the dish towel before I hung it up heading upstairs.

I took a detour to the 3rd floor being careful as to what I opened once I logged into Da’s computer. I didn’t want him to know I was on it. I didn’t know much about emails but I knew you could tell when it was last viewed and where from if it hadn’t been opened previously.

I saw one that said party as the title. The writing was all in a red font and I still remember pretty clearly what it said:

Gentlemen,

I will be having an exclusive get together of a few men and a few select boys will be there as party entertainment. Those boys are in the 11 to 17 age group, Mason (Hunter) Talbot (Kristoff), Ashmore (Quinn), Cross (Alec & Brodric), Morrow (Dominic), Ford (Christian), Huber (Wallace and Finn), Huntz (Travis), Kingly (Patrick), Marks (Dylan), Merrick (Chad), McGregor (John), McOwen (Tyler), McQueen (Todd), Rodgers (Julian), Savage (Spencer), Swartzman (Rich), Baker (Alec), Gables (Cole), Wall (David & Edward), Warner (Caleb) and last but not least Winters (Samuel). Will be from 7pm on Friday until Sunday at 8am. The back room will be open but sponsorship will be on base by base.

Please allow you and your boys to get there no later than 4pm on Saturday for late arrivals in order for prep to commence. As always safe play is a must and back room activity must not involve, Scat, blood, knives. Don’t break any bones and have fun.  
L.

That wasn’t the only email. There were several more back and forth that seemed to be group emails that everyone had read asking about why it was age exclusive and why it was happening. Apparently, some guy was coming in from Germany and that was his age range and they wanted him to have a selection as the one “special guest” for the evening. There was also something about a guy coming from Japan. Apparently, they had selected the boys using pictures that had been taken.

There were also several emails of people RSVPing or mentioning that were they coming or would like to attend along with others saying they were too busy with things to be there but wish they could go. There were also emails of lists of names as well as talk that the more boys were there in that range the less they had to worry about losing money. At the time I had no idea what that meant. Then I saw an email that said RE: William. My heart sank just when I had thought that maybe I would be lucky enough to duck out because I wasn’t 11, I was only 10 they had mentioned me. A private interaction between Da and Lionel my name in the subject line.

Connor,  
Why are you even asking if he will be attending? The party is for 11 and up however, William is very dear to me as you know. I would like him to attend but I will handle the arrangements. No one will know he is there besides my personal staff, you and myself. He is much too special for any unnecessary exposure. He will stay in my private quarters from Friday afternoon until Saturday morning. Not even his brother will be aware he is there.  
L.

So, I was kind of going. Not really but I would apparently be at the Villa. There were other emails full of numbers talking about money and transfers and other things I didn’t understand that looked like it was all financial information so I printed those out too before I took everything upstairs besides the personal exchange that I had found about me. Because I knew if mum saw that she would flip. She would beyond lose it. I didn’t give her one about the party either but when I knocked on the nursery door and she opened it I sighed heavily before I handed the emails to her.

“Mum. There’s going to be a party this weekend and Uncle Ben is taking us,” I said.

“Who is us?” she asked me.

“Me and John,” I told her.

She sighed heavily. She knew what a party meant. That it meant men repeatedly raping us. There wasn’t anything she could to stop it. We both knew that. Especially for me. She wouldn’t be able to stop any of it.

“So, if you disappear this weekend…that’s where you are?” she asked me and nodded my head.

I wanted to scream at her to do something about it, anything. To stop it from happening. That I didn’t want to be with him. That I didn’t want my body to…do that with him. But, I knew even saying his name, even telling her who he was would probably get her killed. I needed my mum to tell me it was ok and she couldn’t because she didn’t know what was going on and I was told I couldn’t tell her.

“I’ll see if I can get Vic here when it’s over,” she told me, “That gives me four days to see if I can get you out of this “party”. I’ll do what I can. I’m glad you told me love. I’ll do what I can I promise.”

“I know you will mum,” I said to her before I hugged her, “I love you.”

“I love you too. Go get some sleep,” I told her going to my room and crawling into bed.

I had a hard time sleeping that night. I remember everything weighing on my mind. My friends were on that list. Did they even know what was going on? Did anyone know? That thought replayed over and over in my mind as I tossed and turned.

I don’t remember most of the day until lunch when I sat down at the table and Todd looked at me before snorting and getting up with his tray moving to a different table. Quinn going after him and Finn shot him a dirty look.

“Did I do something wrong?” I asked him.

“No,” Finn sighed, “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Why is he mad at me then?” I asked him.

“It’s nothing you should worry about,” Finn said.

“If he’s mad at me I think I should be worried,” I said, “What did I do?”

“It’s not something you did,” Finn said, “Really. He’s just stressed ok?”

“Is this about the thing happening this weekend?” I asked him.

“How do you know about that?” Quinn asked coming back to the table, “And why do you care? You don’t have to go anyway.”

“Oh, he’s going. He won’t be with us but, he’s going,” Ted said.

“He’s only 10. It’s 11 and up,” Quinn said.

“Look,” Ted said lowering his voice, “He’s going. Trust me. He’ll be there even if you don’t see him. It sucks. So, you and Todd need to lay off him. He’s not going to have it any better than anyone else.”

Quinn sighed and looked at Ted before he looked at me and then back to Ted again, “You’re kidding?”

“No,” Ted said, “I’m not and you better not breathe a word to anyone because if you do I will make sure he knows you were the one who told. So, you tell them to lay off because he’s a kid ok? You don’t breathe a word to a single soul Quinn I swear to…”

“Yeah, I got it. I understand ok? Will, I’m sorry. I’ll tell them to stop giving you shit,” Quinn said.

“Thanks,” I said nodding my head as Quinn walked away again.

“Did you just tell him?” I asked Ted.

“Yeah,” Ted said.

I didn’t want anyone to know. That I belonged to him. I didn’t want people to know because I knew they’d either hate me or pity me and I couldn’t stand the idea of that happening. Of people doing those two things. I didn’t need their pity. I sighed closing my eyes trying to hold back the tears. The tears the humiliation of them knowing was trying to force forward.

I walked away throwing away my rubbish and went to the bathroom. I picked a stall and locked myself into it. Sitting there trying to calm myself down, trying to relax and find some sort of calm. No one came to see if I was all right. Teddy didn’t come or Finn and I felt relieved. The rest of the day I was numb.

John wasn’t home when I got home. Which was unusual. Usually he was always home. I figured he just went somewhere with Pat until it got closer to dinner time. We all stayed downstairs doing homework at the table while mum worked on making chicken on the stove. The later it got the more and more worried I felt for John.

“Mummy where’s John?” James asked as mum started putting plates of BBQ chicken, peas and mashed potatoes on the table.

“I don’t know. My friend Angela drove him to his doctor’s appointment earlier. He should be back by now. I’m going to give him 20 more minutes and then I’ll call her. The school said he missed his afternoon classes but I figured he probably just skipped. He’s is a teenager after all,” Mum said more to herself than to any of us.

“Are you sure there isn’t something else going on?” I asked mum taking a bite of my food.

“I don’t think so,” Mum said frowning before she turned around and started putting left overs into rubber mades using the spatula. Just then John came in the door.

“I was so worried!” Mum said loudly dropping the spatula on the floor and rushing over to hug him, “The school called when you didn’t come back after lunch. What happened? Where were you?”

He froze up when she hugged him. Something was off. Just the way he was carrying himself something seemed really off. I didn’t know what it was but he looked scared. Like he was on the edge of screaming as mum pulled away and he stared at his feet shrugging his shoulders.

“Did you skip?” Mum asked him a frown reaching all the way up her forehead towards her hair line.

She had to sense it too. He was after all her child. Her son. There was no way she didn’t know something was wrong.

“Yeah sure,” John said looking up from his feet a cold angry look in his eyes, “I skipped.”

Matt walked up to John, “I drew this in school,” he said holding a picture out to John and smiling.

I couldn’t tell why he was being nice, being Bruce but, he was. He was acting like a normal 8-year-old and not the Matty I usually knew. Not that one who was cold and calculated but the one that we more loved. Maybe he could even sense something was wrong so he was trying to create a distraction, pull everyone back from whatever was happening and focus our energy somewhere else.

John forced a smile as he looked at the picture, “Very nice. Let me guess, it’s out family and that one is me?” he asked stabbing a stick figure on the drawing with his index finger as he looked up at everyone the smile on his face causing his eyes to soften, to appear wet.

“Yeah, they said we needed to draw us doing something with our siblings,” he answered and then looked at John closely as they walked back over to the table.

“What?” John asked barely above a whisper.

“How come your shirt has no buttons?” Matt said grabbing at the tail end of John’s oxford and pulling on it.

John ripped it out of Matt’s hand and shook his head hugging himself. 

“His shirt has no buttons?” Mum questioned after sliding a rubber made into the fridge and walking towards him.

John took a couple of steps backwards as if she was a rapid dog, or like she was Da or one of them his eyes going wide as he shook his head even more vigorously, “It’s nothing.”

“Johnathan. Come here,” she said to him, demanded of him.

The tone she had used was cold. John was trying to hide something from her and she didn’t like it. She didn’t like one bit. But, if something had occurred he had every right to not tell mum. Especially if it was something like that. Like the stuff the brotherhood did. Mum wasn’t supposed to know about what they did. It was dangerous for her to know.

“Really mum. It’s nothing,” he said sighing as he stopped backing up and she walked up to him looking at him, coming close to him.

He looked scared. Like he wanted to run, like he wanted to be anywhere else. His breathing picking up slightly as she got on her tip toes looking at his shirt collar and then checking the hem near his waist where it wasn’t tucked into his pants her frown deepening the more she inspected his shirt.

“He’s right, your shirt has no buttons. What happened?” she asked.

“Mum, nothing,” he said grabbing his shirt and yanking it out of her hands too just like he had with Matt. A shiver visibly passing down his spine as he looked at her.

She locked her jaw for a second squeezing her fist at her sides. She was angry that he wasn’t telling the truth. She would have never hit him. She knew how bad it felt to be hit. She never would hit any of us but, she didn’t like screaming. Clenching your fist or your toes sometimes helps give you a physical lock that you need in order to pull your emotions back in, in order to keep you from doing something or saying something you’ll regret.

She exhaled deeply before she spoke again, “This isn’t nothing. People don’t come home with shirts that are missing buttons when nothing has happened. What happened?” she asked him again.

“Nothing,” he said with a little shrug of his shoulders, his eyes looking around the room, anywhere but at mum’s face as he hugged himself tighter.

Whatever had happened it wasn’t something he wanted to talk about. The idea that mum was going to invade his privacy especially when he clearly didn’t want to talk about it making me slightly upset.

“Mum, he doesn’t want to talk about it apparently,” I said speaking up, “At least not in front of everyone here so can you just let it go?”

“No, I will not let it go,” she said turning to me and shaking her head at me before she turned back to John, “What happened? You need to tell me. I’m your mum.”

John’s face went from pale white to red before he opened his mouth an angry hiss coming out instead of his normal creaking voice, “If I wanted to fucking tell you I would fucking tell you! So, quit asking me!” He shouted before he ran up the stairs.

“Why is he so mad?” Catty asked looking at me, “She just wants to know where is buttons went.”

“He…it’s hard to explain,” I said, “Eat you guys.”

“Is this because of his special drink?” James asked me, “It makes him tired you said and I know when I get tired after a while if I can’t sleep I get really cranky mummy says.”

“Maybe,” I said nodding my head as I thought about it.

It would be a good way to explain it. Why he seemed to be so short tempered even though in my personal opinion mum had no right to ask him about that in front of everyone. She had an idea of what had probably happened. She wasn’t exactly stupid. So, I didn’t see the point of making him say it in front of everyone at the dinner table. There wasn’t any point to it. We all knew what had happened.

“What?” Matt asked me as I frowned at him, his voice sounding less sweet and childlike and more Batman. Bruce was gone again.

“You know what,” I said.

By now I had figured out his game a little bit. He’d act sweet and nice and then say something just a little off. To draw attention to something that might not otherwise be noticed. To try and embarrass someone or single them out. Usually he did it to me or John. That’s exactly what he had done there and I knew it.

“I didn’t do anything,” he said shaking his head at me.

“You know what you did. I don’t need to explain it to you,” I said.

“Mum would have noticed eventually,” Matt muttered taking a bite of his food.

“When she did the laundry. He has his vest on and his blazer. There’s no way she would have noticed right now without you pointing it out,” I told him.

“So? Why does it matter? His buttons are missing. So, what?” Matt said giving me a chiding look.

“Why?” I said almost laughing angrily, “You’re asking me why it matters? Because it’s none of your business and it’s not any of mums. I can’t…”

Just then there was an ear-splitting shriek that came from upstairs on the second floor. I thought it would be short scream but it kept going, Catty and James covering their ears as Matty smiled. Our brother sounded like he was fucking dying and he was smiling about it.

I couldn’t believe him. If he hadn’t of been my little brother I probably would have smacked him. I wanted to smack him anyway as I got up from the table and raced up the stairs to find mum struggling with John the best she could as he was trying to rip at his sleeves on his shirt.

It looked like he was trying to attack himself and he was screaming a wordless blood curdling scream at the top of his lungs. I had seen him do this a couple times before and so had mum. It had been right after we had left here and gone to London. Usually it happened at night while he was dreaming and he’d scream and scream and then cry and then sometimes he would mumble to himself. Mumble to Da who wasn’t there. Telling him no and to just stop. Begging him, an invisible man that was far away to stop.

She managed to pull him to the ground his screams turning into sobs, heart shattering sobs as she pushed his head against her chest, against her shirt so he could hear her heart beating, “It’s ok love. You’re ok. I’m right here love. Mummy’s right here John, it’s ok. Come back to me. It’s ok…” she said in the most soothing voice she could manage as he struggled against her. Trying to kick her and punch at her as she held on to him for dear life cradling him. 

I have no idea how he didn’t hurt her. By then he was bigger than she was. Mum was only 5’0 and John probably had 3 if not closer to four or five inches on her in height. He weighed about the same as she. It wouldn’t have been hard for him to hurt her and it looked like he tried but somehow, she had managed to restrain him well enough to keep him from hurting himself or her as he cried.

He started to quiet down her sitting on the floor with him, rocking them slowly back a forth whispering into the crown of his head, “you’re ok. You’re ok love. You’re ok.”

After a minute he closed his eyes and then blinked up at her looking around confused, scared. His eyes wide.

“Where am I?” he managed his voice sounding horse from all the screaming and crying.

“You’re home. You’re safe,” she said hushing him as she continued to rock him, “It’s all right sweetie. You’re all right.”

“What happened?” he asked leaning back into her, relaxing into her as he looked up at her.

“I don’t know love. You just started screaming and trying to fight me. You’re ok though, all right?” she assured him.

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head as he moved forward mum letting him leave her arms as he stood up stumbling a little bit before he leaned up against the wall.

“Can you tell me what that was about?” she asked looking at him curiously.

I think she knew what it was. I knew what it was. Whatever had happened had been bad. It had given him a night terror during the day where he wanted whoever was hurting him to stop. Where he was begging them to stop in a way that he wasn’t allowed to when it had been happening. That it had been so real, it had confused him as to where he was and what he was doing which was why he seemed so scared and unsure in the moment.

“I don’t know,” he said a blank look on his face as he used the wall to stumble towards the lift.

I heard footsteps on the stairs and turned to look to find Matt climbing up the stairs Matt with a small smile playing on his lips, “Is John ok? He looks scared.”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” John answered barely loud enough to hear as he entered the lift when it opened him looking back at us as Mike appeared carrying Mac, “I called Dr. Palmer mummy. He’s on his way.”

Now that was impressive to me. No one had told him to call doctor Palmer but with the screaming and probably the panic it had caused in some of our younger siblings he had somehow managed to keep calm and keep his head about him enough to call Dr. Palmer. Dr. Palmer and not the police or 911 which would have probably been answered by Hank and someone else that John didn’t need to see or be around in that moment. Not when he was like that, his eyes wide and fearful as his eyes jumped around taking in his surroundings. Like he wasn’t sure where he was at or what he was doing.

Like he was waiting for someone to pop out and grab him. Someone bad. Where ever his mind was he was struggling to stay in the present. Anyone who was watching him could tell.

“Good love,” Mum said standing up and getting into the lift too, “Will can you grab Mary and Seamus and make sure Andy and Laura make it upstairs?” she managed to ask before the door shut.

“Come on Matt, you grab Mary and I’ll grab Seamus and everyone will head upstairs ok?” I said.

“Yeah no problem. Just let one of them walk in front of me in case they fall, right?”

“Right, and go slow,” I said knowing he was referring to Andy and Laura.

I would rather I didn’t need his help but, I was a 10-year-old. A 10-year-old that couldn’t move 2 babies and two toddlers on my own and Mike already had one in his arms so there was no sense in asking him for help. When we got back up the stairs which took about 10 minutes or so with the two slow pokes we were required to escort and made it to the lift the lift was already coming back down, mum inside it. James and Cat having followed us slowly up the stairs.

“Thank you, boys, such a big help,” Mum said bending down and picking up Laura who blinked her tiny fist at mum.

“Mummy I’s stirs me seeth,” Laura mumbled at her and Andy giggled and nodded his head.

“You used the stairs by yourself?” Mum asked which Laura nodded her head and giggled, “Oh you are getting so big. Both my pudding and my firelight. My big kids now huh?” she said kissing Laura on the cheek as we all climbed into the lift.

“Is John ok mum?” James asked her quietly.

“Yeah, he’s all right love. He just…he’s had a bad day is all. He didn’t mean to scare anyone,” Mum said.

“Why was he screaming?” Cat asked mum.

She sighed looking at Cat like she wasn’t sure how to explain it. I had some idea about what it was even if I didn’t know what it was called.

“I think he had a bad dream,” I said trying to figure out the best way to explain, “Only he was awake.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” she said.

“Well you know how when you play pretend sometimes you can see things you’re pretending like when we pretend the floor is lava and you can almost see the lava?” I asked her.

“OH yeah!” James said excitedly.

“I think it was like that. Only it was scary,” I told them, “So he screamed. He’ll be ok though.”

“Maybe he just needs a nap,” James said which made me smile a little bit.

“I think your right love,” Mum said smiling too, “He just went to his room to lay down. Will how about you put a movie on? Can you do that?”

“The sword and the stone?” James asked looking at mum.

“I’ll watch it,” Matt said surprising me.

“Me too,” Mike agreed.

“Ok, the sword and the stone it is,” I agreed.

Once we got everyone upstairs and I had turned on the movie mum had moved everyone to the nursery that needed to be there since it was nearing 6:30 pm which was what time Andy and Laura and the babies went to lay down for the night so I knocked on the bedroom door.

“Come in,” Mum mumbled as I opened the door to find her changing Mac’s diaper.

“Is he really ok?” I asked her.

“I think he will be. He got up here and immediately started drinking,” she told me shaking her head sadly, “Otherwise I think he’ll be fine after some rest. I’d still like doctor palmer to come by though. He told me my friend didn’t stop by but, her husband did. That’s when he started screaming so I think…” she trailed off and I cleared my throat.

“They’re everywhere mum,” I said, “I’ll look at Da’s emails again tonight print out any that I think might be worth it.”

“Ok,” she said nodding her head, “I wish I could stop this. First hearing about that damn get together they have planned this weekend and now this…it makes me feel like such a horrible person that I can’t stop it.”

She was admitting to me that she couldn’t stop it. That she knew there wasn’t that much she could do to keep us safe other than leave with us. If that even worked. And Da had told me she was dumb. Obviously if she had come to that conclusion even if it was late in coming that meant she wasn’t dumb maybe just too hopeful that things would change and get better if she stuck around. Otherwise we would have been long gone before we had moved back to the states.

“You’re not a horrible person mum. You’re a good person,” I said, “Maybe you can’t do anything to stop this weekend from happening or whatever happened today but, you’re going to find a way to stop it forever soon and I know you will.”

“Thank you love,” she said putting Mac down in his crib before she came over and hugged me, “For believing in me.”

“I know you want to keep us safe. But Da’s a really bad person mum. Every time you try he hurts you. That’s not your fault. I know you fight for us and that you’re going to save us. Because I know you love us.”

“Thank you love,” she said again as the com buzzed meaning Dr. Palmer was there.

I nodded my head as she walked away. I didn’t want to see Dr. Palmer. I didn’t want to hear his warnings or what he had to say to me. I didn’t want to listen to him tell John off for drinking. So, I stayed in the nursey for a little while. I grabbed Mary and rocked her. The only light in the room a night light plugged into the wall her fuzzy light baby hair that framed her face little almost like little flames when the light caught it just right. I didn’t spend enough time looking at them. Admiring how innocent and precious they were.

Most of the time I was just wishing they weren’t so cranky or I was thankful they were sleeping but very rarely did I get to spend time with them when they were quiet and I wasn’t expected to take care of them. Very rarely did I get moments where I could just admire them and how sweet and beautiful they were. How someone wanted to take that away from them and it wasn’t even a stranger but our Da. It broke my heart thinking about it but, they were beautiful and handsome. With ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. Green eyes all of them. I noticed that Mac and Laura sucked their thumbs and that Mary was just starting to suck on hers as well. 

Mum didn’t come and get me and by the time I left the nursery everyone else was in bed and the movie was over. Me going to go grab and drink and looking at the clock on the range realizing it was 9:30 and that I was supposed to be in bed. I turned around to find Dr. Palmer coming out of John’s bedroom and coming down the hall towards the lift.

“Will?” he asked quietly as he came towards the kitchen.

“Hi Dr. Palmer,” I said.

“I’m surprised you’re not asleep. Your mum thought you were and she went downstairs to clean up,” Dr. Palmer said, “How are you doing?”

“I’m ok,” I said.

I felt pretty ok. At least compared to John. I knew I only had another day and then…I’d see him again. The anxiety was almost like waiting for the impact of a car crash. It was almost worse than the damage the impact itself would cause. However, I was holding it together and my time with my youngest siblings had been peaceful, relaxing. Just staring at them and enjoying their company in a way that I didn’t get to do that often.

“Are you sure? I meant to come by after the 8th but, I’ve been unexpectedly busy,” Dr. Palmer told me.

“Yeah, I’m ok,” I said again nodding my head.

“Do you know about what’s going on this weekend?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I said, “I read Da’s emails. I know.”

“So, then you know…?” he trailed off the question unfinished and I nodded my head a little bit more and finished the question for him.

“That I’m going? Yeah,” I said.

“Do you want to know what it will be like? For you, I mean,” he said.

“I think I have an idea,” I answered.

My chest felt tight. I didn’t want to do that again. Not like at the zoo. Not like how it had been in the car on the way back. I knew that’s what it would be like though. His words quiet but demanding, making sure I understood I had to do what he said. That I wasn’t allowed to say no even if he lied and said I was.

“How does that make you feel?” he asked me snapping me back to the conversation, away from my thoughts.

“How is it supposed to make me feel?” I asked him quietly.

“There’s not right way to feel about it Will,” Dr. Palmer said.

“Well, there’s also nothing I can do about it,” I murmured.

“There is someone very important coming from a different country. He’s not violent but, he’ll want to see you,” Dr. Palmer warned me.

“What does that mean?” I asked him.

“Well, he’s…different. He’s into roleplay. I’m going to assume you don’t know what that is,” he told me to which I nodded my head.

“He’ll if Lionel lets him be with you they might want you to wear a diaper or something. He also has a thing about lace panties. So, it would just depend on his mood,” Dr. Palmer told me.

I felt my face heating up in the dark. I hadn’t worn a diaper since I was 2. I didn’t want to wear one especially for that. And lace panties were something girls wore. Guys didn’t wear that stuff. I didn’t want to do any of those things. That sounded gross.

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked him.

“So, you’re not caught off guard if Lionel does let Hou near you,” Dr. Palmer told me.

“I’ve been talking to Teddy and Cole,” I said.

“Don’t tell Lionel that,” Dr. Palmer said in a brisk tone, “He’ll be upset if he hears that. He doesn’t like people talking about their relationships with him.”

“I already figured that,” I answered, “Is that it? Can I go to bed now?”

“Will. I’m just trying to help,” Dr. Palmer said.

“If you really wanted to help you would have made sure my Da never made me be with him,” I said shaking my head.

“Once he decided he wanted you there was no stopping him,” Dr. Palmer said, “You have to understand that. If you’re Da would have said no he was risking a lot. He was risking you being stripped. It’s where they cut the brands off of you and then rebrand your left hip as a one. You would have both been dead within a week because your whole family would have been labeled traitors. He would have made sure your younger brothers and sisters were kept alive long enough to get their trust and sign it over to him. The only thing Lionel likes more than sex is money. He would have killed your parents and that would be that. You want you siblings to grow up in a dungeon? I didn’t think so.” He said in response to my silence.

“He says I can tell him anything you know that, right? That he wants me to be honest with him and tell him what I’m thinking,” I said.

“It’s a trick. To get into your head and make you believe that he’s listening to you. He’s seeing how far he can push you. How much he can get you to trust him,” Dr. Palmer explained.

“Why though?” I asked him.

“I’m not even honestly sure but I’ve seen him do it to each of his boys,” Dr. Palmer said, “I’m going to go get Patrick and we’re going to leave now. Thank you for talking with me.”

“Goodnight Dr. Palmer,” I said quietly as he walked down the hallway and I finished my drink of water before I myself turned and went down the hallway shutting the door to my own room just as him and Pat quietly came out of John’s bedroom.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will goes to school his anxiety beyond what he can control. He learns what other people know about his situation and his worry for John grows as he has another panic attack. Finn and Ted and Will have a conversation about their brothers and Will shares some concerns that have been bothering him for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 340 to 371 **Warnings: talk of rape/non-con, mental health issues, panic attack, bullying, homophobia, anxiety** Mostly dialogue however I feel like it's important to the story **John part 1 chapter 32**

I slept even worse that night than I had the night before. It was Wednesday and the day after was Thursday and then it was Friday. One of his Friday’s and also the start of a weekend party. The party was supposed to go all weekend long and I wasn’t sure how long I was going to be there because I couldn’t remember. I woke up early and got ready for school early that morning just so I could check the emails again. Just so I could check the computer and see if they had said anything else about me.

There was another email that had already been opened with my name as the title and I opened it up.

Connor,  
As you know we will have special guest attending. Mr. Hou thinks I have an impeccable taste in young friends and would like to meet with William if that is ok with you. Since it is in the contract that we discuss these matters I figured I would send you an email even though I’m sure you’ll have no objections about this encounter. Hou is kind and a wonderful friend, colleague and brotherhood member. His AOA is between 6 and 12 much like my own and actually shares many of the same tastes that I do. He is into femme play but, I figured that wouldn’t be an issue for you.  
Please let me know,  
L

There was an email in response to it.

Lionel,  
I have no problem with any of that I do enjoy that you are respecting the perimeters set up in the contact. I actually have a request if he’s into femme play. Could you perhaps have a picture or two taken. I think it’d be really interesting to see Will all dolled up. Might help me imagine myself with a new little girl perhaps a daughter with blonde hair and big green eyes (all of my daughters have the same red hair as Johnathan). It would be interesting to see what another daughter might look like if Danielle ever gets past her secondary infertility. I do plan to have more children as you know since we have previously discussed my plans to provide the brotherhood with such. I hope you have fun. Are you planning on picking him up after school is out on Friday for a fun evening before you take him to the Villa or do you want me to sign a release form so you can take custody of him that morning? If so just pick him up outside of school and I will tell Danielle that you are in town and wanted to take him and show him the office. She trusts you and won’t suspect a thing.  
Connor.

There was still one more email and that one made me feel sick to my stomach;

Connor,  
You would do that for me? That would be lovely, I would love to take him to the science center in Orlando for the day before we head to the Villa. I think it would be a very enjoyable experience for us so if you could sign a release that would be amazing. Thank you so much.  
See you soon,  
L

So, I wasn’t even going to school Friday unless you counted the front of school as going to school. He was instead going to take me somewhere else and then out to the Villa. I had heard of the science center. I had a field trip planned for March right after spring holiday. It was something that we were all excited about, my classmates and me. It was going to be the last year that we went there because we were starting to get too old for the kid’s center. So, I was going to go there with Lionel as well. Only earlier than my classmates. To me it sounded horrible. I didn’t want to go on another day trip somewhere with him. The zoo had been bad enough, him grabbing my hand whenever he had a chance, commenting on how my shorts and been a nice choice for the day because they would help make sure I stayed comfortable in the Florida weather. How at one point he asked me if I was too hot and suggested I take my shirt off as he rubbed my shoulders.

How he did that in front of people, in front of everyone and no even cared. No one even looked or noticed. No one helped me. How he didn’t even let me use the bathroom on my own following me every time I went and waiting outside the stall door for me to finish so I couldn’t even breathe. It had been horrible and then…the car ride back. Me wishing I was in any other car but his. Me wishing I was anyone but me as he demanded I take off my shorts and then… as he did that to my body.

When I got to school I must have shown I was upset because before I could say anything Cole grabbed me and forced me to follow him into a bathroom off the main corridor that connected all of the wings together that made up the lower, upper and middle schools. I sighed looking at him questioningly as he checked all the stalls.

“What’s going on?” he asked me, “Is this about John and last night?”

“How do you know about that?” I asked confused for a minute.

“Pat tells me everything,” he sighed, “Are you ok? Is this about the party? You look like you want to cry.”

“Friday is in two days,” I said simply.

“Yeah,” he said not catching what I was inferring, “What about it? It’s not a party you have to go to.”

“It is,” I said, “No one is supposed to know I’m there because I’m not a part of the party but, I’ll be there.”

Coles mouth dropped open is eyes going wide, “But you’re…you’re 10.”

“I’m not even going to be in school Friday. He wants to take me somewhere,” I was barely able to mutter, “I don’t want to go.”

“Where is he taking you?” Cole asked me quietly.

“Science center,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“I doubt it,” Cole said, “He’ll be way too busy since people start arriving around 11 on the Friday a party starts usually. I’ll be there but if no one knows you’re supposed to be there I doubt I’ll see you. I’ll be too busy in the prep room anyway.”

“I’m not sure if that’s better or worse. At least I won’t feel like I’m on display and like no one cares,” I said.

“I remember that feeling,” Cole said smiling sadly, “Looking around and wondering why no one can see how unhappy you are. Why no one is asking him why he keeps rubbing your shoulders and won’t leave you alone.”

I nodded my head. I understood that feeling well. Wondering why no one could see it. Could see how scared you were of him. How you wanted to tell someone, to ask someone for help but you knew you couldn’t because there was no one that could ever possibly help you. Not ever.

“Has he ever made you go to the Villa?” I asked him quietly.

“Well, he does live there when he’s here,” Cole said, “He has a private wing kind of like a little apartment inside the Villa. It’s kind of weird it’s three bedrooms and two bathrooms, a kitchen and living room. He’ll be too busy to do things to you for most of the day so you’ll probably just hang out and watch TV until everything gets up and moving. Then it’ll be well, you know what it’ll probably be.”

I nodded my head. I felt embarrassed about it. All of it but, I wanted to know if I was alone or not. If he had…made Cole do that or not.

“Cole?” I asked so quietly I was surprised he heard me.

“Yeah?” Cole asked me coming closer to me, close enough that I didn’t have to get any louder for him to hear me clearly.

“Did he ever…?” the words got lost in my brain. How I wanted to word it. What I wanted to say.

“Take your time,” Cole said reaching out and offering me his hand which I took him giving mine and gentle squeeze, “You can ask me or tell me anything you need to ok?”

“Did he ever bite you? Like not hard but, kind of hard and then…”

“Yes,” Cole said, “he liked the way it made me squirm,” Cole told me his eyes going dark before he closed them taking a deep breath, “Don’t think about it ok? Just know you aren’t alone. He’s scary I know he’s scary. He’s scarier than my dad and my dad is a pretty scary person and so is yours. Just don’t think about it.”

“He tickled me too,” I said before I started crying.

“It’s ok,” Cole said opening his arms and letting me hug him, “He did that to me too. For a long time, I couldn’t let anyone tickle me. Not even Pat. The longer you’re without him when it’s over though the easier it’ll get. I promise.”

“I just don’t want to do it anymore and he just started,” I managed to mumble.

“I know,” Cole said, “You’re not alone though ok? I’m right here,” Cole assured me, “And you know I know what he’s like. If you have to talk about it you talk about it to me and we’ll have a hug session and a cry ok? You’re not alone.”

“I just wish I could tell mum or John,” I said, “Someone.”

“I know. I’m someone. You’re not telling them because John can’t handle it right now and your mum. You know what would happen to her. He would either make your Dad lock her up somewhere or he’d get rid of her. Probably like he did that boy to punish me. You need her. You all need her and she’s a good mom. She really is,” Cole assured me, “It would tear her apart to know that your Dad is letting someone do this to you. Especially if she knew the things he does.”

“I know. I know that’s why I can’t tell her,” I agreed, “I just wish that he didn’t like me. I wish I wasn’t…”

“His? Me too. I wouldn’t ever wish that on anyone. I hate that you have you go through this. You don’t deserve this Will ok?” Cole said as the bell rang.

“Well,” I said whipping my eyes on my sleeve before going over to the sink, “I guess that’s our que to…,” I paused to turn and look at Cole as he handed me a wetted down paper towel.

“Put it on your eyes leave it on each eye for one minute and no one will know you were crying,” Cole said smiling at me, “You’re much too handsome to go to class with blood shot eyes.”

“Not really,” I said snorting slightly.

“No,” Cole said, “Really. Not beautiful, not cute, handsome ok?”

I nodded my head, “Thanks,” I said feeling my face heat up.

“No problem. Don’t think about it too much and do yourself a favor, one minute on each eye as you walk to class. I’ll see you later ok?” Cole asked me.

“Yeah,” I said, “Have a good day.”

He held the door open for me as I held the wet paper towel over my left eye and walked to class. I don’t remember what happened in class that day or even at school my brain was probably too full of worry. I know I talked to Finn a little bit him doing most of the talking.

He talked about his horse. He really liked his horse. Not in a gross way but in a way that someone who enjoys spending time with their pet loves their pet. He told me he had named his Horse Timber while his brother Wallace had decided to name his stallion Bob. Because you know Bob is such an eloquent and creative name for a horse. I mostly just smiled and nodded my head. We made our way to lunch. Teddy pulling Finn into a noogie for a minute before he sat down.

“So how are you two doing?”

“I’m ok,” Finn said, “Would be better if you wouldn’t have messed up my hair.”

“Come on, it’s a good look for you,” Ted said smiling as Finn tried to flatten his hair.

Usually Finn kept his hair gelled down. Little spikes of hair sticking up in a couple different places. The only problem was the gel tended to dry after a while and if someone touched your head it just flaked off all over the place like dandruff might, making it look like it had snowed on your shoulders and down the back of your blazer. So, Finn didn’t like people touching his hair.

He had nice hair. Golden brown hair however it did seem a bit unruly without the gel. Sticking up in odd places whenever Ted did manage to get his hands on it. Certain pieces curling in at weird angles because they had lost the concoction that was keeping the strands straight instead of turning inward on themselves showing their natural wave. I understood why that would properly annoy him.

“I hate my hair,” Finn said.

“Why? It’s nice hair. You do realize that there’s nothing wrong with not having straight hair?” Teddy said smiling sheepishly at him.

“Saturday, I won’t be allowed to do my hair anyway so you really had to go and mess it up today?” Finn snorted in frustration still trying to comb his fingers through his hair and get it under control.

“Finn, it doesn’t look that bad,” I sighed looking at him.

“Really?” he asked.

“Yeah, really,” Ted agreed with me, “Other than the fact that I ruined your hair, how are you doing?”

“Wishing I could see Timber this weekend instead of going to that damn…,” Finn trailed off sighing.

“Yeah,” Ted agreed before we all fell silent.

“Has Julian talked to any of you guys?” Ted asked suddenly.

“No, he doesn’t really talk to me,” I answered.

“I’m refusing to talk to him. He’s a homophobic ass. I’m sorry but some of my best friends happen to be gay and I’m not into listening to someone call them perverts when that is not what they are,” Finn said smiling at both of us.

“He hasn’t said anything to me,” Ted admitted.

“Well you did kind of come out to everyone,” Finn said, “And he doesn’t like gay people.”

“I didn’t really. Did I?” Ted asked him frowning as he popped open his can and drank some of his soda.

“Yeah you kind of did. You said and I quote “I don’t know because I’m gay? But, maybe I’m not,” Finn said smiling.

“Well, Todd’s still talking to me and he still talks to Julian,” Ted said shrugging his shoulders.

“That’s because Todd’s intelligent,” Finn said, “I’m sorry to say but Julian is kind of…he’s very emotional.”

“Well, you have to admit that it could be confusing,” I said quietly.

“What?” Finn asked me.

“What they do,” I said taking an intense interest in my green beans.

“What do you mean Will?” Ted asked me.

“Just like…,” I shrugged my shoulders still staring at my food.

“Will whatever you’re thinking it’s not true ok?” Finn said, “Look at me.”

I sighed and swallowed looking up at them. They both had worried frowns on their faces. They both had an idea of how I felt, how I thought I was. It wasn’t something I had openly admitted to Ted but, he had an idea probably because of his grandpa. Because it seemed every boy he chose had that trait in common.

“You’re nothing like them,” Finn said his face hard, serious, “You’d never hurt anyone. You know that deep down and we know that. There’s no doubt in my mind about it. You would never hurt anyone Will. They are very different from you. You understand?”

“How do you know though?” I asked him.

“Wal is very…open about stuff and he’s very similar to them. He calls himself gay but he’s like them. I’m not saying you can’t be both but I know you and you are one of the kindest people I know. There is nothing like you that similar to them ok? If anyone thinks there is they obviously don’t know you. So, don’t even think that,” Finn said.

“He’s right,” Ted agreed nodding his head, “There’s nothing about you that’s like them. Not a fucking thing ok?”

I nodded my head slowly. I hadn’t voiced that to anyone. Let anyone know that was something I was afraid of. That me wanting to touch Cole, to kiss him could mean something else. Something worse than just being gay. Something bad.

“I don’t know, I just,” I shrugged my shoulders.

“There’s nothing about it that you need to question,” Finn assured me.

“How many people know?” I asked them.

I knew people talked about things. That people were probably talking about me. About how I was his boy. How I belonged to him. No one would have ever said anything about it to my face but, I was aware that people probably knew. I just didn’t know how many or who.

“From me?” Finn asked, “I haven’t told anyone. I said I wouldn’t and I won’t.”

“I don’t know who knows exactly but some people have put patterns together,” Ted said, “It took me a while to figure it out myself. Cole pointed it out to me last year. That Louis was and then Kris and…obviously he is. I don’t remember ever even questioning what it was but, you have to understand…”

“Yeah, it’s ok Ted. We understand,” Finn said nodding his head looking around the lunch room to see who was where and if anyone was listening.

Ted meant we had to understand he was raised differently. That his life growing up had been different than those of people with normal families, if any family can ever be considered normal. He was raised in away where he was forced to make out with his older brother. Where his mom encouraged them to let their grandfathers touch them like that so to him for a long time there wasn’t a concept of gay. It was just life. That was just the way it was. Guys just did that with each other and there hadn’t been a label on it. There usually isn’t when you’re four, five, six.

Ted nodded his head in agreement smiling sadly, “That’s ok though. I mean it’s over, right? For the most part. I am what I am and guess everyone knows now.”

“Knowing how Quinn likes to gossip probably,” Finn agreed, “However at least you’ll know who has a problem with it and who doesn’t. The people who do will either say something and you can tell them to fuck off or they’ll just quit talking to you.”

“You won’t tell anyone about me, right?” I asked Ted quietly.

“What? Oh, no,” Ted shook his head vigorously, “That’s your business. Are you guys ready to deal with all of…” he gestured with his hands, “That?”

“You mean this weekend?” Finn asked as he started shaking his head, “Never.”

“Right?” Ted said, “I just feel like sleeping for forever after it’s finally over.”

“Guys could we not...?” I trailed off as Finn nodded his head.

“We shouldn’t anyway. It’s ok to be nervous.”

I wasn’t going to be public property but, I was going to be there. Ted had told everyone as much and no one had been mean to me since. Or given me shit. So, someone must have said something about it. That I was supposed to be there too even if I was out of the age bracket the party was set up for. I had no idea what it would be like. Being at a gathering like that.

I did have questions about it but, I didn’t necessarily want them answered. Sure, the mystery of it scared the shit out of me but, if it was anything like learning about Lionel I was sure I didn’t want to know until I had to face it for myself. That maybe it was better to be surprised and anticipating anything could happen than having to worry about what may happen and when it would.

“My mom is getting us a puppy,” Ted said suddenly.

“A dog really? Your mom with a dog?” Finn asked and Ted smiled and shook his head.

“We’ll have it for about 8 weeks and then she’ll give it away. It’s the same thing she did with the last one,” Ted said.

“Why get another one if she’s only going to get rid of it?” I asked Ted.

“Luke wants a puppy really bad. He’s six but, I think maybe she feels a little guilty sometimes so she’ll give into him until she can’t stand the fact that it’s pissing and shitting all over the house and then she’ll tell him it ran away. She’ll wait a couple months and then try again. This is the third one,” Ted told me, “Hopefully she’ll either wise up and get an older dog after this one or she’ll just stop. For me it was cats. I still have Stormy but cats litter train themselves and we do have a maid. So, she just scoops the box once a week when she comes to clean the house. He usually stays in my room especially when mom is moving around.”

“When did you get your cat?” I asked curious about it because he had never mentioned his cat before.

“I was like seven. He’s six now so he’s a lot calmer then he used to be. Knows who to trust and when it’s ok to come out and not hide. He hides a lot,” Ted told me.

“We still have Cosmo,” Finn said and Ted made a whistling sound smiling.

“Damn that dog is older than dirt,” Ted said, “Does he still climb in your lap every chance he gets?”

“Of course. I mean sometimes he falls off the couch while trying to get into your lap now because he’s like half blind but, he still tries bless his soul. He loves Wal to death still, the only thing that does. I don’t hold it against him though. I mean someone needs to love Wal,” Finn said.

“You know you love him even if he’s a horrible person,” Ted said, “I mean it seems like it’d be conflicting but I do love Louis even if I don’t like him as a person and he’s right in the same boat as Wallace I swear.”

“My younger brother Matt seems like that. He’s…different,” I chimed in.

“How?” Finn asked as Teddy sat up straighter both of them looking at me.

“Well, he’s manipulative. He’s angry a lot. He says things that are unsettling just to see how you react to them. He’s killed lizards and rabbits before. Probably one of the reasons my parents won’t let us have pets. He’s been violent. When he was little he used to pinch and hit James. He’s nine I think he even did it to Cat and maybe even Andy and Laura a little at first until mum caught him. He hasn’t done it since. He’s just…different. I think he’s scary sometimes,” I said.

“I don’t remember Louis ever doing anything like that to me but, he is older than I am,” Ted said.

“Wallace has a thing about fire. He really likes fire but he’s never really hurt anyone. I mean he once set his trash can on fire when I was like six so he had to of been maybe 11 or 12. My dad was not happy about it but, Wallace swore up and down it was an accident. He had found my dad’s lighter and had been playing with it. Otherwise he’s never been physically violent I don’t think,” Finn said.

“Those are the type of kids my grandpa likes. The violent ones. Apparently, they make for good…anyway. It doesn’t matter. Sorry Will,” Ted said looking at my face.

Was he saying they were going to try to turn my brother into one of them? One of the trackers and then eventually a handler? The thought made me feel sick. Probably because I knew he was capable of it. Capable of being like that, like Uncle Ben. I didn’t want to think about it but, it made me think the sooner we managed to get away the better off we would be. The better off everyone would be but, especially Matty.

“You really need to find better topics at school Ted,” Finn said, “You know how much trouble we’d get into of Watson caught us talking about that shit at school? He’d tell your what do you call him again? Pop?”

“Papa,” Ted said, “I realize and I’m sorry. I just it’s not like I have a lot that goes on in my life. It’s all about that you realize? Every dinner table conversation, every phone call him or mom makes, everything Louis talks about. All of it. When it’s all they talk about it, it’s all you think about.”

“That’s not true. My dad doesn’t talk about that stuff in front of me really and it’s all I think about to a point,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“Yeah, but you’re smart enough to know you shouldn’t talk about it,” Finn said.

“Ted’s smart too he just doesn’t have a filter,” I said, “He talks about whatever he’s thinking, says what’s on his mind. I mean that can be a good thing but usually it’s not. Not when life is like this.”

“Sometimes I think like what if this isn’t life at all,” Ted said proving my point causing Finn to give him a weird look.

“What do you mean?” Finn asked.

“Like what if ok, and this is going to sound crazy but, what if we’re dead?” Ted said making us both balk at him, “No but like. What if we’re dead and this is hell or like just our brains trapped inside our bodies and this is all in our heads. What if life wasn’t really that bad all? Or what if we were like mass murders and so this is hell’s punishment for us. Having us in the passenger seat for all eternity.”

“Come on. Nothing could be that cruel. I don’t believe that. I refuse to believe that,” Finn said.

“Me too,” I said, “I can’t believe that this is all there is. There has to be something better somewhere.”

“For you I’m sure there is,” Ted said smiling sadly at me, “For me though. I’m afraid of what’s next if this is life so you guys should really wish me luck as I get older.”

“You won’t be like them either Teddy. You might be a spaz but, you would never hurt anyone,” Finn said.

“You can’t say that. You don’t know that,” Ted said shaking his head, “I’ve seen what happens.”

“And now we’re back on that topic again. How is it you always turn the conversation there Teddy? What type of talent is that?” Finn asked.

“Less of a talent more of a lame super power,” Ted muttered as the bell rang, “Well, back to class. See you guys tomorrow, same time same place?”

“Yeah,” I agreed and got up clearing up my trash.

The rest of the day nothing really happened at school. The day finished and when I got home mum wasn’t downstairs for once that week. It felt more normal though, less weird. Me going upstairs and finding mum cleaning up the living room and hearing music coming back from the back area. James wasn’t at home though so I went to go check it out. It was a speaker. I hadn’t seen him touch his piano since the week after. I mean we had been busy but usually every weekend it was something he wanted to do for an hour or two. It was weird.

“Hi mum,” I said walking back and going into the living room sitting down.

“Hi love. How was school?” Mum asked me.

“It was ok. Not a lot happened,” I answered her.

“Da called me,” she told me.

“Oh?” I asked trying to sound more curious than scared.

“He said Lionel is coming into town on Friday and he wanted to know if he could take and to his office here with his grandson Ted and that maybe you could spend the night at Ted’s house. I actually called Lionel after that. He said he asked your Da about it. That because you’re smart and you seemed interested in the idea at Christmas. I asked him if your Da would be around and he said no. He said something about taking you to a museum if I let him pull you from school. I think it’d be a good idea. I mean between John and your Uncle and everything else you could probably really use a break,” Mum told me.

“So, you told him yes?” I asked trying not to sound upset about it.

“I know people make you nervous but, he said you knew Teddy that you were friends. It’s not like you’d be alone. There are going to be people around all day and Lionel’s never hurt you,” Mum said, “So I told him yes. I’d figured you’d like it. Doing something else besides just going to school and it will still be educational.”

I just nodded my head Mac starting to fuss causing me to pick him up out of the playpen that was behind the couch that way mum didn’t have to stop her cleaning and hush him, “Hi baby do you need a diaper change?”

“yes,” he said causing me to smile.

“I got it,” Mum said smiling at me as I handed him over, “Are you mummy’s stinky boy?” she asked him causing him to giggle and say yes again. At the time it was one of the few words he said clearly enough for everyone to understand. She took him off to the nursery.

So, he had called mum and told her his plan. She had said yes. She really believed he wouldn’t hurt me. I knew she didn’t know but it still hurt that she trusted him. That she thought he was a good guy when he really wasn’t.

It made me angry that he was lying to her and that I had to lie to her. However, I did hope he was telling the truth about Teddy being there that way I didn’t have to be alone with him. It didn’t matter where we were going, I didn’t want to be alone with him.

She didn’t make any fancy for dinner that night, Mac and cheese with hotdogs that was ready before everyone else got home from school. Pat came out of John’s bedroom as I was walking towards the lift to go meet the bus.

“Pat?” I asked.

“Hey,” Pat said, “I was dropping homework off for John. He didn’t go to school today.”

“I figured he probably didn’t. I mean yesterday was…,” I trailed off.

“Yeah. That’s what your mom thought too,” Pat said nodding his head, “How are you doing?”

“I’m ok,” I answered.

“You look…stressed,” Pat said.

“It’s just tomorrow and then Friday,” I said getting into the lift with Pat.

“I can see that. I thought you were out of bracket though,” Pat said frowning at me and I noticed he didn’t have his bag with him.

“Are you leaving?” I asked him.

“No, not yet. I figured since we were talking and you were on your way down to grab the kids I’d come with,” he filled me in.

“I’m…,” I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders.

I really didn’t want to talk about it. How I would be there but not there. How I was going to be spending probably the day with Lionel and then the night. I didn’t want to have to think about it until it had to happen. I didn’t want to talk about it, especially not with Pat who would probably tell John.

“You’re a lot like Cole used to be,” he told me as the lift opened.

“Am I?” I asked him.

“Yeah, you get this look on your face like you want to say something but then you don’t say it. You think before you speak. Cole still does that he just hides it more. You can’t always see it on his face anymore but, he used to be easy to read. Like you are,” he notified me.

“I’m easy to read?” I asked him.

“Your facial expressions. I can tell you wanted to say something but, you didn’t. You can tell me you know? I won’t tell John if that’s what you’re worried about,” Pat told me as we walked to the front door and I pulled it open.

“It’s not that,” I said, “I’m just not supposed to talk about it.”

“Ah,” Pat said, “I’d heard rumors about that. Before you ask no it wasn’t Cole. This kid Julian was talking to this other guy I know named Spencer and he said something about you.”

“What did he say?” I asked him.

“Well, he called you some not nice names and said you were stuck up and that you were privileged. That he thinks there’s nothing special enough about you for…certain people to have an eye on you,” Pat summed it up for me, “Why he’s talking to Spencer anyway I don’t know. I mean Spencer is tracker city. I wouldn’t touch that shit with a 10-foot pole.”

“Well I guess Spencer’s not gay?” I asked him.

“Well, they do have trackers that go for girls once they have the chance,” Pat said, “So maybe. Those are nastiest ones though in my opinion. They start out touching whoever the brotherhood will let them and then work their way younger until they’re allowed to get a chance with the girls. It’s sick,” Pat explained to me, “Why do you ask?”

“Because Julian and Todd and Finn and Ted and I all went to the skate park last week and gay people or being gay came up and Julian had some not nice things to say about it. That they’re all perverts and he said it front of Cole. Finn told Julian that if he had a problem with gay people he could leave and never talk to him again and Teddy told everyone he was gay.”

“Wow,” Pat said, “Sounds exciting.”

“It was interesting. I mean I don’t know Julian that well so I didn’t feel bad about him being kicked out of the group. He even asked Todd to leave with him and he didn’t. Todd actually sat outside with me for a while well everyone else finished eating,” I said.

“I don’t know Todd that well. Dom does but, not me. They don’t seem like bad kids though. I didn’t even peg Julian for being a homophobe but, sometimes people surprise you. Did he say anything to you?”

“What?” I asked him.

“Well, you did make out with my brother,” Pat said as we stepped up to the curve waiting for the bus.

“No. He didn’t say anything to me,” I said, “Not directly but apparently he has opinions.”

“He’s just being an asshole. Everyone is going to be on edge tomorrow just wait and see how many disagreements break out. They’ll give the younger boys shit every time they see them just because their age bracket didn’t come up. Someone might start to pick a fight with you.”

“No one did today. They tried yesterday but Ted told them to keep their mouths shut,” I said.

“Ah, that’s how it got out? Ted might get in huge trouble for that,” Pat said shaking his head and smiling.

“What got out?” I asked him.

“I haven’t told John because he has enough going on but, there’s a rumor that the leader has his eye on you,” Pat told me making my stomach feel heavy.

So, people did know. They weren’t supposed to but, they knew. It made me wonder who else knew. What else they were saying about me.

“Hey it’s ok. If anyone can relate it’s Cole. He hasn’t told me that much about it but, after a while it always gets out who’s been…,” Pat cleared his throat and smiled as the bus pulled up.

“Hi!” Cat said climbing off the bus as the boy’s bus pulled up right behind her. She was carrying a shoe box with her.

“Hi firefly,” I said hugging her, “What’s the shoe box for?”

“We’re supposed to put things in it,” she told me.

“For what?” I asked her.

“One small thing that fits into the shoe box for each person in our family. That’s why my shoe box was the biggest,” she told me.

“I see, well. We’ll go in and start looking for things in just a minute,” I told her.

“I know, they’re right behind me,” she said turning around as her bus pulled away and bus for the boys pulled up, “Hi Pat.”

“Hi Cat how are you today?” he asked her.

“Good,” she said, “I think I want to paint my shoe box purple but, we’re supposed to do that at school. We just get the stuff from home and put it together in art class.”

“I see and its family only, right?” he questioned her.

“Yeah everyone that lives with us. I would put you in it too but, you don’t live with us.”

“I’m fine not being included. I’ll help you find something for John though. I’m sure we’ll come up with something good to represent him,” Pat said smiling at her as the boys climbed off.

“Hi guys, how was your day?” I asked the three of them.

“Good,” James told me, “Not a lot happened but the teacher gave us a chapter book to take home.”

“Well, you can show me when we get inside. Dinner is already ready,” I told them.

“That’s good because I’m starving,” Matt told me sounding like an average nine-year-old.

“Do they not feed you at school?” Pat joked.

“No, they do, he’s just always hungry,” Mike told Pat who nodded his head.

“Ok, inside we go,” Pat said, “race you to the door on the count of…hey! Not so fast you little monsters.” He shouted as all four of them took off running towards the front door before he could start his count down while he laughed running behind them to catch up.

I was glad to see everyone in a good mood. Even James had decided to race. I followed slowly behind them only catching up once I got up the stairs to find them climbing into the lift.

“Will why didn’t you run?” James asked me.

“I didn’t feel like it,” I answered simply, “Who won the race.”

“I did,” Matt said smugly.

“He did,” Pat said nodding his head.

“Good for you Matt,” I said getting into the lift and making sure the door was shut behind me.

“It wasn’t that hard,” he told us, “It’s because I have strong legs.”

“You do? How do get you strong legs? I want strong legs,” James said.

“Ask Da he’ll help you,” Matt said, “What I do is when he’s…”

“Matt,” I warned, “Don’t.”

“You don’t know what I was going to say,” Matt said.

“Yes, he does,” Mike said.

“How would you know he knows what I was going to say?” Matt asked him frowning.

“Because he knows you,” Mike said simply Matt punching him in the arm.

“OUCH!” Mike said frowning before he started telling Matt off, “Ug peniz joow te whit vo. Ug gned Pum'v lidd se peniz ovon chaxalt Vaxatt. Pum peniz whit ug.” (You don't need to hit me. You know I'm right so don't even start Matt. I don't hit you.)  
“Who nud axarloaxadupp foyect chung an. Ug gned who dis. Who peosniz joow te fo velo klept zaxan who axarloaxadupp dis. Pum caxan whit ug axarr Pum riko. Usui ox ug peniz cempraxain axas reck axas dit nud yeep futt,” Matt said back. (He's already beyond stuck up. You know he is. He doesn't need to be more gross than he already is. I can hit you all I like. Usually you don't complain as long as it's your butt.)

“Jed heso foick klept? Chep dit. Act Pum peniz. Ug quich zint Pum pe,” Mike mumbled. (Now whose being gross? Stop it. And I don't. You just think I do.)

“Guys that’s enough,” I warned them looking at the two of them and smiling slightly when I saw Pat’s confused look, “Don’t hit.”

“It’s true,” Mike said.

“What’s true?” Pat asked.

“I don’t like it he just likes to think I do,” Mike said.

I sighed. I knew Mike didn’t mean anything by it and was just answering Pat’s question but because we had not been privy to the conversation they were having it didn’t sound right. Mike must have realized it didn’t sound right before his cheeks started burning red.

“I don’t like it when it spanks me,” he said realizing that sounded even worse and staring at his toes.

“Wow, ok,” Pat said raising his eyebrows at me like an “well, this is awkward” type of look.

“Why would someone spank you?” Cat asked Mike, “Were you bad?”

“I…I don’t know,” Mike barely mumbled shrugging his shoulders.

“Mummy spanks me when I’m bad,” James added in, “I don’t like being spanked either Mike it’s ok. That’s why I try to be good though.”

James was way more innocent than you think he would be for the life he was leading. It was new life for him but, he was still very naïve and didn’t always catch things like that. I mean Mike and Matt were only two years older than he was so they did have two years more experience but even me at the time was just beginning to understand that those things were things people did. Sexual things. So, the comment wasn’t really surprising but it made Pat makes a sound and then slam his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing out right.

“We’ll talk about this another time guys,” I said as the lift opened, “Homework ok?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Matt said leading the group out of the lift.

Pat waited until everyone was out of ear shot and then smiled at me still trying to contain his laugher, “I know it’s fucked up but, too much time with your Uncle you think?”

“I’m positive,” I muttered shaking my head, “That’s going to be a fun one to explain later.”

“Tell your mom. She’ll do it. Like she did with Cat. Maybe she’ll even talk about how you shouldn’t spank each other,” Pat said.

“Now that will be an interesting conversation however, I would rather not be included,” I said shaking my head.

“That’s something your Uncle is into,” Pat commented.

“I know,” I said, “Trust me I’m very aware of what my Uncle does and doesn’t do.”

I probably said it in a harsher tone than I had meant because Pat’s face fell slightly before he cleared his throat getting serious, “Right,” he agreed nodding his head, “Sorry. Are you ok?”

“I’m not going to think about it too much. I’ll tell mum though. Honestly, he was probably looking for a reaction. He does that. Not Mike but, Matt.”

“If he was why didn’t he say it in English?” he asked me.

“Well I don’t know if you noticed but he’s smart. He wanted you to wonder what he was saying probably. Wanted you to ask what was being talked about and it worked,” I said, “Next time you hear them speaking twin speak, just don’t ask about what’s being said.”

“Ok,” Pat said nodding his head, “I’ll try to remember that.”

“It’s not you. You realize that?” I asked Pat.

“I know it’s not. John talks to me about it. He’s just…Matt’s different,” Pat said and I nodded my head.

“Well, I’m going to go eat and help with homework,” I told Pat.

“And I’m going back to your brother,” he told me a smile playing on his face.

“Hey, the kids are home,” I said pointing at him, “So don’t even.”

“Relax. It won’t be like that,” Pat told me walking to John’s door before he opened it and then shut it behind him.

I continued down the hallway and found mum in the kitchen cleaning up some stuff just as I heard John’s bedroom door open. I turned around and Mum was grabbing a bag of pizza rolls out of the freezer and preheating the oven.

“Mum didn’t you just make Mac and cheese?” I asked her.

“Yeah but there isn’t enough for everyone to have a lot of it and I need to find time to go to the store so I’m going to add pizza rolls,” she told me smiling.

“I like pizza rolls,” Matt said.

“I know love,” Mum said smiling at him, “Who has homework?”

“Mike and me,” Matt said.

“Ok, well get to it. Will can you…?” 

“Yeah, I’ll help,” I said nodding my head as John and Pat walked into the kitchen and John picked up the phone from the cradle leaning over the counter and dialing a number.

“Hi,” I said looking back at Pat who smiled and waved at me sheepishly.

“Hi.” He said.

Yeah that’s what I figured they were doing. They had definitely been at the very least cuddling before they came out me shaking my head at him. They really shouldn’t have been doing that especially not after everyone had gotten home. At least it had only been like 10 minutes if that and then they had stopped. I didn’t look forward to that stage in my life even though I doubted it would be like that.

John waited in silence with the phone to his ear until he heard someone say something, “Is Dom there?’ he asked into the phone sounding uncertain.

The person on the other end must have asked who was calling because he said, “John from school.”

For a second you could hear a loud muffled voice even from where I was sitting John pulling the phone away from his ear and flinching. My thought was that probably made his ears ring because if I could hear it from the table that person was being loud John frowning as Pat wrapped an arm around his waist mum standing up and washing her hands shooting him a look with a raised eyebrow and him giving her a smile back and pulling his hand away.

“It’s me John,” John said into the phone after a minute. There was more shouting for a second before John stood there silently listening to the person on the other side of the phone who had gotten a lot quieter suddenly before he responded, “I’m alive, yes. Are you ok? What do you mean not really?” John asked frowning deeply as Pat grabbed John’s waist again resting his head on John’s free shoulder.

“So, you’re super nervous too than?” John asked the person on the other end of the line waiting a minute or two and then also adding, “You want to come over and hang out? Pat’s here.”

Pat must have been close enough to hear what was being said because he laughed lightly to what they said in response playing with John’s hair a little bit as he watched him.

“We’re not supposed to do that anymore,” John said as mum shot Pat a look who stood up straight again and smiled at her.

Like they really couldn’t keep their hands off each other. It was amazing that not everyone knew what was going on between them. I mean I couldn’t imagine how they hadn’t managed to get into trouble with all of that yet. Dating and sleeping with people when you were a bottom was forbidden. You didn’t mess around with each other unless you were told to. Everyone knew that. Yet they were always hanging on each other and touching each other. Looking at each other like one another was the most amazing thing they’d ever seen in the world. I didn’t see that working out in their favor anytime soon.

John laughed lightly this time nodding his head a little bit, “Not something I wanted to picture but, thanks for that.”

I looked at Pat shaking my head mouthing the words, “who is he talking to?”

“Friend,” Pat mouthed back as John sighed into the phone.

“Yes, that’s been discussed. I’ll see you tomorrow at school? You sure you’re going to be ok?” John asked the person.

Joh didn’t say bye but waited for a minute and then hung up the phone.

“So, what did he say?” Pat asked.

“Not much,” John answered, “Probably because of who is right there. He said he’s fine for right now but he’s on edge. I feel it in my bones. It’s really weird.”

“We’re all on edge,” Pat said.

“About what?” Mum turned around looking at them.

Now mum knew about the villa and what was happening because I had told her. I had even given those emails to her but, she tended to be sly when it came about confronting John about things even then. Probably because she wanted to see how much he was comfortable with sharing. Usually by that point she had figured out there were things that John didn’t want to talk about and she seemed ok with it mostly as long as she thought he was writing things down.

“Finals before break,” John answered her quickly not missing a beat.

“It’s only the first week of February love. Why are you so worried about it? You aren’t all the best students I know you guys struggle with grades a lot but you all are hard workers. I’m sure you’ll be fine,” Mum said giving him a small smile as the timer for the pizza rolls went off and she turned back around pulling them out of the oven.

“Well, that’s why we’re so worried about,” Pat said smiling at her.

“Sure, you are,” I muttered going over to the fridge and grabbing some apple juice and putting it on the counter as I grabbed new sippy cups out of the cabinet and started filling them with a little bit of juice for the babies as mum took off across the hall and started grabbing babies and toddlers and pulling them out of high chairs.

“What does that mean?” Pat asked me frowning and shaking his head at me.

I just shrugged my shoulders. If we were all going to pretend it wasn’t happening I was ok with that. It didn’t help anyone to lie about it though and I wasn’t about to tell John I had told mum. That she knew. He was already in enough of a panic about everything even if he wasn’t showing it. He was my older brother after all and I had never existed in a world where he didn’t. I knew him very well and knew that by not talking about it directly he was trying to keep himself and in turn mum calm.

“You do realize you aren’t even in the age group?” Pat asked me.

“He hacks their emails,” John muttered.

“Damn you have skills?” Pat asked me.

“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head, “I can tell you the guest list if you like. Who has sponsors. What the rules are and who is in what room. They emailed all of that to Da.”

It was true they had. It was all things that were in the emails. It seemed boring like technical stuff but I printed those out for mum too. She knew about all of it. The only emails I didn’t give her were the ones that included stuff about me. About things that Dr. Palmer had told me not to tell her, not to let her know about.

“Da’s coming?” John asked quietly.

“Yes,” I said, “He’s sponsoring someone too. Cole.”

“What?” Pat asked sitting down at the table next to Matt his face going white.

“What are you guys talking about? What’s sponsoring?” James asked me to which Pat made a gesture waving for him to be quiet.

“Yeah, McClairen is coming too and he’s sponsoring you,” I said.

“What’s…” James started to ask again.

“I’ll tell you later ok bud?” I said shooting him a look.

“Yeah. I know,” Pat said, “Any other priest coming?”

“Where are the priest…?” I cut James off looking at him.

“Look bud. This is an important conversation and it’s rude to interrupt people while they are talking so I will tell you later ok? Are you done eating?” I asked him.

“All but my pizza rolls,” he said pointing at the counter where the pizza rolls were still on the pan.

“Ok, how about you go. All of you, go into the living room and I’ll bring them to you in a little bit ok?” I asked him.

“That sounds fine to me since you guys are being weird,” Matt said grabbing Cat’s hand who frowned at him slightly.

I sighed waiting for them to leave the room before I spoke again, “No, he’s the only one. Couple of names I don’t know. Tony is coming. Of course, Arthur and Hank are going to be there. Uncle Ben, the leader some dude named Hobbs. I don’t know if you guys know him or not. Richneck, Marks, Peence, Dink, Morrow, McQueen, Huber, Frost and I can’t remember who else but, there were a lot of names so,” I sighed shrugging my shoulders.

“You’re missing half the list. Unless it’s going to be exclusive which I didn’t think this party was going to be,” Pat said looking at me frowning.

“What do you mean by exclusive?” I asked him.

“Usually they limit the number of boys going. Sometimes they exclude ones all together. Sometimes there’s a special guest. Several different things could make it exclusive,” Pat told me.

“Then yes. It’s exclusive,” I said nodding my head.

“Who?” Pat asked me.

“Who what?” I questioned.

“Which of us?” he asked me.

“There were a lot of names the ones I can remember off the top of my head are you, John, Cole, Dom, Hunter, Kristoff, Christian, Alec, Brodric, Chad, Alec, Caleb and Dylan. That’s only like half of the names though.”

John sat down, nearly flopped down in the chair next Pat. His breathing seemed heavy him shaking his head slightly. He looked pale and clammy. He was having another panic attack just hearing us talk about it. About who was going to be there and what he knew was going to happen.

“Rabbit are you ok?” Pat asked turning to look at him.

I shook my head. He wasn’t ok. He was far from ok. He looked almost the same as he had the night before after he had stopped screaming his eyes frozen wide open and his chest heaving like he couldn’t breathe. This wasn’t good.

“No. Something’s wrong,” I said, “John, just breathe ok? You’re fine.”

“He looks like he just saw a ghost,” Pat commented putting his hand on John’s shoulder as he shot me a worried look before putting his full attention back on John, “Rabbit come on. You’re ok.”

“I…can’t…do this,” he said sounding like he was struggling to breathe as he said the words barely above a whisper.

“They’re going to give you something so you don’t remember. You know that, right?” Pat said quietly to him.

I remember thinking about how weird that sounded. They were going to drug him? And who exactly were they? Were they the brotherhood themselves or my Da and the leader or someone else? Someone like Pat and his friends and John’s friends?

Or maybe even Dr. Palmer. That sounded like something a doctor would do to help someone who was struggling. Sedate them to make things easier. To make it harder for them to remember something like that. I decided it was probably Dr. Palmer and that if that’s how he wanted it and it had been discussed I wasn’t going to make an issue of it or tell mum. Hell, there were a lot of things I wasn’t telling mum.

“John, you’re shaking. Do I need to go get mum?” I asked him, standing up slowly looking at him and Pat.

Pat nodded his head a little beside John his face telling me Pat sensed something I didn’t. That something big was happening inside John’s head as I looked at John’s hands. He was griping the edge of the table so tightly his knuckles were white. His chest still heaving as Pat tried to get him to let go of the edge of the table. Tried to get him to move.

“I don’t feel right,” John mumbled before he went to go stand up him maybe being on his feet for half a second before he nearly collapsed Pat grabbing him and lowering them to the ground on his knees.

“It’s all right,” Pat muttered into John’s shoulder soothingly, “You’re ok. I’ve got you, you’re ok.”

That’s when I noticed John was shivering like he was cold. Like I did when I got nervous or scared. He was having a panic attack like he had experienced last night. He was so overwhelmed with worry, with everything that was going on it was happening again. I wanted to help him and knew there wasn’t anything I could do. That there wasn’t anything I could to help him besides maybe go get mum who I nearly bumped into on her way across the hallway.

“What’s wrong?” she asked me probably seeing the look on my face.

“John just…somethings wrong,” I said not sure how to word it.

She nearly dashed the rest of the way to the kitchen to find Pat sitting with John on the ground her kneeling as she sighed sadly, “Love what’s wrong?” she said putting her hand against his forehead, “Is this like what happened yesterday?” she asked John.  
He frowned but he didn’t speak. I wasn’t sure if it was because he couldn’t or if he thought he was but nothing was coming out. He looked confused his shaking increasing before he turned and buried his head in Pat’s shoulder who started rubbing his back.

Pat looked scared. Like he was about to start crying. Like he wasn’t even sure what to do but he held onto him and let John hold him tightly rubbing his head before he spoke to mum using a hushed voice, “It can be a little different each time. It’s ok Rabbit. Can you go get him some meds?” Pat asked looking at mum.

“Yeah,” Mum said nodding her head before she wandered off down the hall towards the nursery.

We did have a medicine cabinet in that bathroom. She kept all of the medications there because she was usually in there and it was too high for the littles ones to reach anyway. It was so James or Mike and Matt couldn’t just go in a grab aspirin or cough medicine on their own. So, there wasn’t any accidents.

“Can you tell me how you feel?” Pat asked him still rubbing his back and running his hand through his hair.

“Sick, light headed. Somethings wrong,” he said his voice sounding off, slow.

“Ok. You’re having a panic attack. Do you know why?” Pat asked him and John nodded his head, “Can you tell me what you’re thinking?”

“He’s going to be there and I can’t do it. I can’t be there if he’s there. I can’t…I can’t do that again,” John said his voice growing higher and higher in pitch as he started whimpering, “I can’t. I can’t…I can’t do that again I can’t…he can’t touch me. I can’t do it. I can’t do it, I can’t, I just can’t.”

“Ok,” Pat said rocking him slightly, both of them slightly, “Don’t think about it. I need you to take deep breaths in through your nose, count to four and out through your mouth and then count to four, ok Rabbit?”

“I can’t do it, not with both of them I can’t,” he repeated his grip on Pat tightening as he started sobbing.

“Why is he crying?” James asked timidly coming into the kitchen.

“Bud, he’s just having a bad day. Why don’t you go watch tv?” I asked him.

“You were supposed to bring pizza rolls. Matty told me to come ask when you were bringing them or mum,” he reminded me.

“Right,” I sighed turning to the counter and putting them on a paper plate. They were still warm. That’s when I looked over that the highchairs and realized that Andy and Laura had been strapped in their seats along with Mac watching our conversation quietly. All three of them staring at John like they wanted to cry too but being eerily silent for two trapped two-year old’s and a one year old.

Even they could tell something was seriously wrong. I’m sure they didn’t understand what it was but, they knew enough that they needed to be quiet. That them screaming wouldn’t help anything me sighing as I unstrapped Andy and then Laura, handing the plate to James, “You need to share. Can you make sure they follow you to the living room?” I asked James.

“Yeah,” he said, “Come on guys. I’ll give you pizza rolls. You want a pizza roll Andy?” he muttered using both hands to carry the plate as Andy and Laura followed him, Laura grabbing Andy’s hand and saying something to him in baby babble I didn’t understand as they wandered off towards the living room.

“…you don’t understand what he did to me!” John screeched causing me to tune back into the conversation that was taking place on the floor in the room a couple feet away before he started gagging still clinging to Pat.

“You’re going to be sick,” Pat said, “Let’s get you into a bathroom,” Pat muttered dragging him down the hallway to the nearest bedroom and opening the door to my room, them managing to make it to my bathroom before John started barfing.

“Right now, you’re safe. None of them are here. You’re with me in your brother’s room. No one is going to hurt you right now,” Pat said soothingly trying to calm John down while he rubbed his back as John got sick.

Mum came back from the nursery with a glass of water and a pill that Pat took sitting down on the ground next to the toilet where John was hugging the bowl his chest still heaving as he tried to breathe. I had never seen anyone get sick from a panic attack. Not like this. It was scary. I felt my own heart hammering in my chest. Just watching him was painful. Knowing that I couldn’t do anything to stop it. After a minute or two Pat managed to make John swallow the pill before John turned burying his face in Pat’s neck again.

“Will love, can you help me get everyone ready for bed?” Mum asked popping her head in my bedroom door. I turned to her nodding my head.

Once we were out in the hallway asked her, “Is he going to be ok you think?”

“Yes, love I think he’ll be ok,” she said nodding her head, “It’s just hard for him.”

“I know mum. It’s hard for me too,” I said feeling like I was about to start crying.

“I know. It’ll be over soon. We’ll be out of here and none of you will ever have to see them again ok? Not Da, not your uncle. None of them. I’ll do whatever I can to help you boys deal with this. You’re so brave. You’re my brave boys,” Mum said hugging me, “He’ll be ok though. It’ll just take time. For all of us.”

“Why do you think he didn’t tell you about what’s going to happen? About the party?” I asked her.

“Because he’s scared and he doesn’t want to worry me,” she answered without hesitation, “He’s being doing that since he was wee. Trying to hide things from me to keep me from being upset. It’s unhealthy and hopefully with some help he’ll get past it. You know that’s unhealthy, right? To keep things to yourself?”

“Yeah, I know,” I said nodding my head.

“If you weren’t ok, you would tell me, right?” she asked me.

“Of course, mum,” I said, “Especially if not telling you makes me end up like that. He scared them.”

“Scared who?” Mum asked.

“Andy and Laura,” I answered, “They were the kitchen with us the whole time and they didn’t make a sound mum. While he was crying they didn’t even move just watched him. Like they could tell something was wrong and just didn’t know what to do.”  
“They’re just wee love,” Mum said, “You used to do that when I would cry and you were that size or you’d come up to me and hug me. You’d be surprised what wee ones do when they can tell someone they care about is upset. Sometimes they cry with you and other times they just watch and try to understand. I’m not sure it ever works. I’m not sure they ever do understand at that size but, sometimes it helps. They didn’t seem upset when I checked on them in the living room.”

“After grabbing his pill?” I asked.

She nodded her head, “He’ll be ok. I’m sure he’ll be ok. Now why don’t you grab James and Cat and make sure they brush their teeth and I’ll get everyone else down.”

“Ok mum,” I said as she touched the top of my head lightly before we walked into the living room.

“Ok my wee ones, it’s time to start getting ready for bed,” Mum said picking up Laura who pulled on her own hair.

“John’s boo boo?” she asked mum.

“John’s ok honey he’s just sad,” she said to Laura kissing Laura’s hand as Laura put it on her face.

“Sad?” Andy asked frowning at mum.

“Yes, you know how when you get sad or upset you cry?” Mum asked him to which he nodded his head in understanding staring at her like he understood what she was saying mum smiling, “It’s that.”

“I kiss better?” he asked.

“Not the kind of boo boo you can kiss better sport,” I said turning to him before I looked at James and Cat, “Can you guys go brush your teeth?”

“How’s fix?” he asked mum.

“You just wait sport,” I said taking his hand and walking him to the nursey with mum before I turned around and grabbed Mary bringing her and then Shay into the nursery while Mac followed me.

He was just over one so he was walking just not that fast. He understood what was going on so he probably just decided to follow me because he could. I didn’t mind it and it was one less body I had to move. I remember Mac being pretty independent from a young age.

Once he figured out how to walk he liked to go places on his own and tended to whine if someone picked him up and he felt he didn’t need the assistance. He still didn’t talk a lot but when he did talk he seemed easier to understand than even Laura and Andrew. Sometimes he just walked around with this weird smile on his face taking everyone and everything in. Like he was thinking about something or knew something everyone else didn’t. He was an interesting baby and I loved him even then. I love all of them and always will. Even Matt.

As soon as he was in the room I shut the door behind me leaving and making sure that Cat and James were ready for bed. They both had questions about John. If he was ok or not. I told them he was just sad really sad and that he would be fine. James tried to ask me about what we had been talking about again but, I told him it wasn’t anything he needed to worry about and that I would take care of it and he seemed satisfied with that answer as I tucked him in and kissed his cheek telling him I loved him and shutting his bedroom behind me after I turned off the light.

As I shut the door Pat came up to me. He had just come out of John’s room. It was only 8:00. It was late enough he should be getting home and I figured that’s what he was doing. He looked tired and worn down.

“How is he doing?” I asked him.

“He’s asleep,” Pat said and nodded my head, “what about you? Are you ok?”

“Me? Yeah, I’m fine,” I said.

“You looked pretty scared there,” Pat said, “it’s ok to be scared.”

“I know that,” I said quietly, “I just wish…wish I could do something to help him.”

“You just being here for him helps him. Taking care of yourself and helping take care of your mom and your siblings that helps him. He’s tired and he’s scared. Just like you are. You just handle it differently is all,” Pat told me.

“I don’t,” I said shaking my head.

“What do you mean?” he asked me.

“I ignore it until I can be alone and then I scream. Last time I…it doesn’t matter. I’ll be fine though,”

“That’s really not a good idea,” Pat told me, “You need to talk to someone. A friend, your mom. Anyone ok? You can’t do that to yourself it’s not healthy.”

“I’ll be fine. I’ll read a book, go someplace better,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“You need to talk to someone,” he said again, “Watching that happen isn’t easy. That wasn’t easy on me.”

“You’re his boyfriend,” I said shaking my head.

“Yeah and you’re his brother,” Pat said quietly, “Look you’re a good person. You have a lot you are dealing with here. I know that more than anyone. But I’m not going to tell them what’s going on and either is Cole because we don’t talk about other people’s shit but you can’t keep it to yourself. You might be trying to take care of John and everyone else by not talking about it but you’re hurting yourself if you do that. So, find someone to talk to, ok?”

“There is no one to talk to,” I said shaking my head, “You know what I was told? I was told that if mum finds out she’s gone. I don’t mean she’s leaving you know what I mean.”

“Who told you that?” Pat said frowning.

“It doesn’t matter. Until I’m somewhere they can’t hurt her and John can get better I’m keeping it to myself. So, don’t tell me I need to talk about it. If I know anything it’s that I need to not talk about it.”

“Cole was like that for a long time,” Pat told me, “Until he swallowed a bottle of bleach when we were 11. His mom had been dead for two years and mine had been gone for almost two and there was a lot of stuff going on that he still doesn’t talk about and I don’t ask that often because it’s upsets him to just think about whatever it was. But he tried to kill himself because he was so overwhelmed because he wasn’t talking about it. They took him away and they threw him in the hospital. He was out three weeks later and then he tried to hang himself. So, they took him somewhere that wasn’t the hospital and they locked him up. He was gone for three months and when he came back he wasn’t the same person. He was more angry and ruder for a very long time. Almost like Arthur.

He didn’t want to talk to me or even look at me. Until one night I did something to piss my dad off while him and Arthur were there and they started whaling on me. He told them if they wanted to hurt someone it needed to be him and took off his clothes and bent over. They were so shocked they just laughed at him and they stopped beating me like it was the funniest joke ever. He told me he was sorry and that he wouldn’t ever leave me alone again and he hasn’t. He’s been there for me every second since. I mean now he’s loud and obnoxious especially when he’s high which is often but, he’s kept that promise.”

“So, he was fine,” I said.

“No, he’s very not fine,” Pat said, “I don’t know what happened to him but he thinks he deserves to be treated badly. Every time they go to beat me for something I did he still tries to step in and stop it and that just gets us both beat or me beaten worse. That’s the only reason he stopped trying. You don’t need to be that person. You’re a person not a punching bag ok? Don’t treat yourself like you are one. Take care of yourself because the less you take care of yourself the more you are hurting them even if you don’t see it. Ok?”

I sighed and then went silent thinking about what he was telling me. That there wasn’t any reason for me to suffer on my own. For me to isolate myself like I was. That once things changed, our circumstances changed and I didn’t need to hide things anymore I should let mum know about them, and John. That once we were safe and it was ok the only way I was ever going to get past what was happening, what I was dealing with would be to tell them or at least someone.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “he just scared me. You know?” I admitted.

“He scared me too,” Pat said, “Because I didn’t know what to do for him other than hold him.”

I nodded my head in agreement, “Even Andy kept asking mum if he could kiss him and make it better.”

Pat smiled at that, “I love your siblings. They’re so sweet. Besides Matt but every family needs a black sheep. I mean I have Karen.”

I smiled at that. She was definitely a special one. If Matty was less mean and more stupid he would have been a Karen for sure.

“Good comparison?” he asked me smiling at my smile.

“Yeah, I think so,” I said nodding my head.

“Well, I have to get going ok? Time to go back to my own personal hell. I’ll see you later. Just try to take care of yourself. Let your mom and I worry about him ok?” Pat said.

“It’s hard,” I said my eyes starting to burn.

“I know man,” Pat said holding his arms open and I let him hug me, “He’ll be ok though. You will too I promise because you guys are going to get out of here ok? You hear me, you’re going to make it.”

“Thanks,” I said pulling back, “Well you better get home. Get ready.”

“I think I was born ready. A few bumps and I’ll be fine. It’s not my first time,” Pat told me, “Just try to stay out of trouble tomorrow. You get into any fights they go harder on you. Watson always tells them who was causing trouble the day before. Never mind you’re not going to be there.”

“No, I am,” I said, “I won’t be with you guys and you can’t tell John but, I’ll be there.”

“What?” Pat asked him his face falling as he shook his head.

“The rumors are true. I’m with…,” I made a hiccupping sound that I didn’t mean to trying to take a breath, “I belong to the leader. He wants me there so…” I shrugged my shoulders.

“I don’t know him well enough to give you any advice on how to act. At least you won’t be on the tables though,” Pat said.

“No one is supposed to know I’m there at all,” I told him.

“Ok. I won’t say anything I promise,” Pat told me, “I’ll see you tomorrow hopefully.”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head in agreement as I turned and went into my room mum coming out of the nursery and saying something to Pat as I shut the door and got myself ready for bed.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John disapears making mum upset and nervous scared for his safety. Will having to lie to lull her into some sort of calm. Will talks to Teddy about upcoming events making Will dread what's about to happen to him as it becomes all he can think about. He gets reintroduced to someone that he knows from his branding before Lionel picks him up on Friday morning taking him to the Villa for the party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 371 to 395. **Warnings: rape/non-con, forced kissing, forced oral, bullying, mental health issues, anxiety** This kid is so fucking scared at this point. I hope I convey that properly even though I'm not sure I did. This is what happens after John skips school on Thursday and goes to the beach and his brought to the Villa for that first party up to right before Will gets to the Villa himself. Mostly Lionel being Lionel (and the sick twisted person he is.) So there's that **John's POV pt 1 chapter 33**

I had trouble falling asleep again not managing to fall asleep until after I heard mum’s footsteps moving up and down the hall in a steady pattern. At one point I thought I heard a door slam but was too tired to check and see what it was. I woke up as my alarm went off. I was tired. I was beyond tired.

It was Thursday and tomorrow was his day and mum had told me she had given him permission to take me somewhere. That I was going to spend the night with Teddy which meant I was spending the night with him. Just thinking about it made me shiver. Making it hard to move. When I got to school I noticed something strange. Almost like the air felt off. Something about it giving me a headache.

When I sat down in math class the guy that sat next to me gave me a dirty look shifting his weight and shaking his head. In each row there were two of us and usually we were sat in alphabetical order by last name. In English and social studies, I sat next to Todd but in Math and science I sat next to Shane. His last name was McKay and mine was McGregor so you know alphabetical.

“Hi,” I said sheepishly and he snorted at me rolling his eyes.

I closed mine blinking. I didn’t want to do this today. He was probably brotherhood. It wouldn’t be surprising. It would explain why he was being an ass. I just went silent deciding to focus on my work when someone nailed me in the center of my back with a crumpled piece of paper. I picked it up and noticed something was written on it. It said Harem boy. I didn’t know what that was but, I knew it was probably bad my face going slightly red as I read the note.

“I’ll take that,” Father Barney said ripping the paper as he snatched it from my hand, “Interesting gentlemen however I believe this would be a history lesson for seniors and doesn’t belong in my math class. Does anyone care to admit to this …little love note?”

I put my head down on my desk as several guys snickered at me. No one said anything to Father Barney though. No one admitted to it, “Fine you can all have detention tomorrow after school.”

Most of the class groaned while some of the guys smiled. I wondered what they were smiling at considering their detention was going to be a lot worse tomorrow afternoon than any detention anyone else would be receiving.

“It was Danny,” some kid pipped up as everyone turned to look at him.

“Is that true Mr. Freeman?” Father Barney asked as I turned around to look as see who it was he was talking to.

It was a boy who looked out of place. I mean we were a mostly white suburb and he appeared to be African American however his eyes were green and his skin as almost the same tone a Teddy’s just a couple shades darker. I had probably seen him every day I’d gone to school but never really looked at him. He snorted and shook his head, “No, that’s not true.”

“You did…you just nailed him in the back…” Father Barney interrupted him.

“I’ll see you after class,” Father Barney said before continuing the lesson.

And that was just the beginning of my day. Several fights broke out in the hallway all day long. Usually it was boys that I was pretty sure were brotherhood even if I hadn’t spoken directly to them. Some of the older guys even coming into the cafeteria while the sixth graders were eating lunch. I recognized a few of those. Finn’s brother stopping in and coming up to us where we were sitting. Teddy had been sitting with us and we had all been eating silently mind our own business and shooting each other looks whenever someone muttered something as they walked past as if to tell each other to ignore it and let it go.

When Wallace sat down on the other side of the table. I nearly jumped up as he sat down, “Finn can I talk to you for a second?”

“Huh, can you go away for a second?” Finn said shaking his head.

“Why? We’re at school. I have five minutes come on, I just need to talk to you about something,” Wallace said, “Hi Will.”

I looked at my tray. I didn’t want to talk to him but, I also didn’t want to be rude, “Hi.” I mumbled into my potato crisps.

“Fine,” Finn sighed heavily standing up, “Come on. You want to talk let’s talk.”

Wal got up slowly following Finn away over to another part of the room. Teddy sat in silence next to me for a minute or two before he spoke saying exactly what I was thinking, what anyone who had been paying attention was probably thinking.

“You should be careful,” he muttered, “About him I mean.”

I knew. I could tell by the way he was looking at me. It reminded me of my marking. It was scary and it made it hard to breathe.

“Are you ok? You’re doing that quiet, still thing you do,” Ted said to me.

I couldn’t look at him knowing if I did I’d panic, I’d felt on the edge of panicking all morning and looking at that look in his eyes it just reminded me of where I would be tomorrow. Who’d I’d be with.

“Hey, come on,” Ted said gesturing to me.

“No, I’m all right,” I said.

“You sure?” Ted asked me quietly.

“Yeah, I’ll be ok,” I said nodding my head.

“You’re absolutely sure?” Ted asked me again his tone serious.

“For right now, yeah,” I said turning to look at him.

He sighed in relief smiling a little, “As long as you’re ok. I know it’s not…this isn’t easy.”

“No, it’s not but I’ll be ok,” I said, “It won’t be the same for me. It won’t be like it is for all of you guys. Because I’m…”

“Yeah. I know. It’ll be my first time on the tables in a while,” Ted said barely loud enough for me to hear.

My heart fell just a little hearing that. That because it was me. I was the reason he was going to be on the tables. Because Lionel had replaced him with me. And yet Teddy was worried about me when he was…? He was the one that was going to really suffer.

“Are you going to be ok?” I asked him.

“It won’t be the first time. It just didn’t happen that often for a while is all,” he said smiling sadly but his eyes starting to shine, “I’ll be all right though. I mean everyone else will be there, right? So, it’s not like I’ll be alone. Finn’s going to be there. Quinn, Todd, Julian. You’ll be alone. That’s harder I think. Being up there and knowing everyone your friends with is downstairs and that you can’t do anything about it. You can’t see them or talk to them or tell them it’s ok even if you know it’s not because you’re upstairs and they’re…,” he shrugged his shoulders trailing off.

I knew from the emails that was his plan but it felt wrong to hear someone else say it. That I was going there to be raped by Lionel and whomever he decided was worthy to do the same. That instead of having to know everyone else was going through the same thing a few feet away from me or in the next room they would all be downstairs while I’d be stuck upstairs alone with Lionel and whoever else he wanted to be there. 

“It does sound worse,” I agreed.

“Just do what he tells you and whatever you do don’t say…”

“I know,” I said nodding my head vigorously the lump in my throat growing the more I thought about it, “That’s my Da’s rule too.”

“I didn’t know that.” Teddy said looking at me sympathetically.

“That’s not something they all do?” I asked him.

“No. Not always,” he answered me, “Sometimes they like it when you beg. It just depends on the person I guess.”

A cold shiver went up my spine. The only time I had been allowed to openly beg was when Ben had beaten me until my butt was black and blue before he…took pictures and stuff. Even then it had quickly turned from begging him to stop into sobs and shrieks. It felt worse to me. Being able to beg him. Him being aware how I felt about what he was doing only to have him ignore it completely.

I stood up without saying anything or looking at Teddy and went to the bathroom. Just to get some air finding Finn and Wallace still in there me turning back around to leave before Wallace spoke.

“Hi Will,” he said again like he said when he sat down at the table.

“Will why don’t you wait a couple of minutes,” Finn said looking at me.

“I…,” I hugged myself not taking my eyes off Wallace.

“I’m not going to hurt you. You know that, right?” Wallace asked sounding like him. Reminding me of him.

“WAL!” Finn shouted loudly startling both me and Wallace, “You leave him alone. He’s off limits.”

“Says who? All I have to do is ask his dad,” Wal said, “That’s only if he doesn’t want to though.”

“First off, he’s 10 you sick fuck,” Finn said surprising me, “Second he’s the leaders.”

Wallace’s face turned into a frown, “Really?”

I had never heard Finn talk to anyone like that. Not ever. It didn’t matter what they did I had never heard him swear at anyone. So not everyone knew. Not everyone knew I was his.

Wallace shrugged his shoulders, “I can see why.”

“Wal, just shut up. You’re late for class anyway. You told me what you wanted to say now go,” Finn said shaking his head at him.

“I bet you’re nervous,” Wal said looking at me, “It’s ok though. You can talk to me about it if you want.”

“Wal fucking shut the fuck up before I bash your fucking brains in. And you know I could. I’m not tied down. You leave him the fuck alone and go before everyone sees the broken nose I’m about to give you. Go!” Finn said forcefully.

Wal looking at him sighing his eyes cold, like theirs. Like theirs when they got angry, “Fine. I’ll see you later Will ok?”

He pushed open the bathroom door and left. I was frozen other than my hands that were shaking. He was so much like him. Yet they weren’t related. I felt like I wanted to scream but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t move my whole body feeling like it was incased in lead. He was like him.

“Will come on,” Finn said, “Come on its ok.”

He held out his hand to me, asking me to take it. To move. I felt like I couldn’t breathe let alone move. He had stuck up for me. Defended me and…I felt like I wanted to scream.

“Will, I promise it’s going to ok,” he said quietly.

I shook my head my body finally unfreezing the tears starting before I could stop them, “No. No it’s not.” I whimpered.

“Hey, hey,” Finn said grabbing my hand before I wrapped my arms around his neck, “It’s ok. He won’t ever hurt you if I have anything to do with it ok?”

“But they are going to hurt me,” I whimpered, “It hurts so bad Finn, it does even when it doesn’t hurt it hurts. And no one is allowed to know. And I can’t tell anyone because they’ll kill her. They’ll kill her and then they won’t have anyone. I won’t have anyone. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to do it.”

“I know,” Finn said hugging me, “It’s ok. And I know. All right, I know. You’re not alone ok? Even if you’re alone when it happens you’re not alone. I know what they’re doing. You’re not alone. I swear to you you’re not alone.”

“Everyone hates me because they think he’s better but he’s not. He’s worse he’s so much worse. He’s like that. He’s like that,” I mumbled. By this point I wasn’t thinking before I spoke it was all just coming out of me and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t control what I was saying but Finn just let me hold onto him rubbing my shoulders as I cried. 

“It’s ok,” Finn said quietly, “It’s ok you’ll be ok. And you know how I know that? Because you’re strong and you’re smart. You’re like the smartest person I know and to deal with this, with them, you have to be smart. You know that. I know you know that. It might not seem like you’ll be ok right now but you will be. I swear to you, you will be.”

“I don’t want him to like me. I don’t want to be his,” I said before my ability to speak broke down and I started outright sobbing.

“I know,” Finn said, “Let it out. It’s ok man, just let it out.”

That was the last thing he said as he let me sob into his shoulder in silence. I hadn’t felt like a kid for a long time until that moment. For weeks at least but letting my friend hug me as I sobbed, letting Finn comfort me as I fell apart in a way that I hadn’t allowed myself to fall apart in a long time. He waited until my sobbing subsided to small hiccups before he spoke again.

“It’s ok to be scared you know?” he asked me as I pulled away from him.

“Yeah, I just,” I shrugged my shoulders, “I don’t know.”

“You shouldn’t…” I cut off his words.

“Keep it inside? Yeah, I know. People keep telling me that,” I said.

“Well, when you do this is what happens. You end up skipping class and hanging out in a bathroom in the middle of the school day because you can’t stop sobbing. Because you’re so scared and you’re so upset you can’t stop sobbing,” Finn pointed out.

I chuckled a little whipping at my eyes, “Yeah ok.”

“Was it him? I told you he was dangerous,” Finn asked referring to Wallace.

“On top of everything else you mean?” I asked nodding my head in response.

“I’ll try to keep him away from you ok?” Finn told me.

“You won’t be able to forever,” I said to which it was his turn to nod his head.

“Not forever no but if we can make sure he stays away from the leader and can’t ask him if he’s allowed to. Then it’ll be ok for a while. Just keep him away from you where he can talk to you nearly alone. You’ll be fine,” Finn said.

“Can you really beat him up?” I asked which caused Finn to smile and nod his head proudly.

“Yeah I can get a few good hits in before he gives up trying to fight fair and sits on me. He weights a lot.” Finn said.

“No kidding,” I said nodding my head in agreement.

“I mean I’m not sure if it’s unhealthy or not I think it is but. You know he’s like 6 inches taller than I am and I’m like 5’5,” Finn said, “However it means I’ll probably be decently tall by the time I’m done. I’ve already shot up three inches this year.”

“I’m only like 5’0 last time I checked,” I said.

“No, you’re not that short. I’d put you around 5’1 or so. Isn’t your mom around 5’1?” he asked me.

“I think so,” I said.

“Are you taller than her?” he asked me.

“Yeah almost,” I said nodding my head.

“Yeah then probably around 5’1. Once we hit about 10 or 11 we start to get taller than them naturally if they’re short. A lot of moms are short,” Finn pointed out.

That was very true and my mum was really short. She wasn’t a big woman at all. She was tiny. Maybe 120 pounds soaking wet. And that was after having 11 children so imagine how tiny she had probably been before having kids. Her boobs were huge though. Not that I like thinking about mum’s boobs.

“Are you ok?” Finn asked me making me realize I had done that thing again where I stopped moving and talking and stared at nothing.

“Yeah, I’m ok,” I said, “I’m not going to be here tomorrow.”

“What do you mean? The party doesn’t start until tomorrow evening really,” Finn said frowning.

“They called my mum. Him and Da at Christmas they said they wanted me to start learning whatever it is they do just to check it out because I was smart. He called her and said he wanted to take me to office tomorrow instead of me coming to school and that I was going to spend the night at Teddy’s house because you know, Teddy’s his grandson. So, she agreed,” I mumbled.

“Shit,” Finn said, “Ok. I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to.”

“You can tell Ted but don’t tell anyone else ok?” I said and Finn nodded his head in understanding.

I didn’t trust anyone else. Not to make fun of me and tell all of the bottoms where I was. I mean I was sure a lot of them already knew but, that didn’t mean I had to tell everyone about it. If I did it might get to John. John who was already struggling so hard with everything. John who didn’t need to know anything that would make his anxiety worse. 

“Well, we can stay here and skip or go to class now and get in trouble and personally if I’m going to get in trouble for this I’d rather push it all the way. So, what are you thinking?” he asked me.

“We can stay here. I have a book,” I said sitting down against the wall.

“I have a deck of cards. We used to play poker at lunch sometimes. We haven’t in a while because Todd started betting candy and the fathers frowned upon that. You want to play?” Finn asked me.

I smiled. I could imagine that, a Hershey’s and snickers bar in the pot. I’ll see your M&M and raise you a skittle. I could see why they wouldn’t want to promote gambling at school. It made sense to me.

“What’s so funny?” Finn asked me sitting down as he reached over and pulled the deck out of his book bag.

“Oh, just picturing what that looked like. Gambling with candy,” I said.

He smiled and nodded his head, “It was cool even though because of Teddy we had to ban kit Kats because he’d always reach into the pile and eat them. Got annoying after a while and it was either ban Ted who isn’t that great at poker in the first place or stop using kit Kats so we took the nice approach.”

“Didn’t want to lose the candy?” I asked him and he nodded his head as he started to shuffle.

“What game?” I asked.

“Texas hold’em. You know how to play?” He asked me.

“Yeah, I think so,” I told him as he passed out the cards.

We played until the bell rang I won maybe one hand out of about five. I was not good at poker but, I was 10. When the bell rang we went back to class. We had skipped social studies and ended up in English class. Class was uneventful. No one balls with insults were thrown at me. Nothing happened at all really. Not until I got on the bus.

I rode the bus with only a handful of brotherhood that I knew of maybe three of us on the whole bus. There was this one guy though that me and the other guy avoided. I just figured the other guy avoided him because he wanted to live a life outside of all of that and Abe was quiet anyway. He was more of a nerd than I was to be honest. Not there was anything wrong with him he seemed nice enough but just like everyone else we had our own clicks. He just didn’t happen to be in the one I socialized with.

I thought it would just be another day of sitting alone for the 20 minutes home until Thomas sat next to me. I didn’t know much about him but knew he was like me, like us. It was a name that had been mentioned in passing a few times. I didn’t know that much about him. Causing me to close my book and eye him wearily.

“What’s up?” he asked me.

“Nothing, what’s up with you?” I asked him.

“Nothing Harem boy,” he said snickering in amusement at the look a shot him shaking my head.

“What do you want?” I asked him.

“To know if it’s true,” he asked me.

“If what’s true?” I asked him.

“You know,” he smiled winking at me.

I shook my head. I knew what he was getting at but if he was going to be an asshole I wanted to hear him say it. To accuse me of it. Of being his. 

“The leader…you know?” he said, “I’ve heard he slips his boys money instead of giving it to their dad’s. How much are you getting?”

He thought I was getting money? The idea almost made me laugh. He wasn’t paying me shit. Not any that I had seen anyway.

“Where did you hear that?” I asked him playing dumb.

“So, it’s not true? You’re not with the leader?” he asked me frowning.

“Why do you care?” I asked him.

“Because maybe you could get me in with him or one of his overseas friends. I hear they let you fuck around too,” he said eyeing me, “Not that that’s something you’d be interested in. You’re super scrawny. I doubt anyone decent would want to be with you. I mean girls don’t usually go for scrawny 10-year old’s.”

“Don’t talk to me,” I said shaking my head as the bus pulled up to my stop. Me getting up and hopping over the seat into the empty one in front to get off the bus.

I sighed. So that’s why people were mad at me, didn’t like me. Because they thought he paid me. Because they thought he was nicer than the others. More worth it. He wasn’t. None of them were.

When I walked into the house no one seemed to be around again. Just as it had been the day before. I went upstairs and found mum cleaning frantically her turning to me as she heard me get off the lift.

“Mum?” I asked her, her eyes blood shot.

“John wasn’t in school today,” she told me, “He wasn’t supposed to go he snuck out of the house before I was up and moving. Before I could stop him and he wasn’t in school and he didn’t come home do you…?”

“He’s ok,” I tried to assure her, “It’s that party thing remember?”

“You think he’s there?” she asked me and I nodded my head.

It was early but the emails did say something about Thursday. People starting to arrive there on Thursday and it was Thursday. So, it made sense. Why he had left to go to school only to skip that didn’t make sense to me but, none of it made any sense.

“At least I know where he is,” she sighed sitting down on the sofa, “At least you won’t have to go there. Can I ask you something love?”

“What?” I asked her sitting down.

“Who is L?” she asked me calmly.

“What?” I asked her.

“The end of all of the emails you printed out. I read them the bottom is always signed with just one initial, L. Who is L love?”

There was that feeling again. Like I had been punched. I didn’t want to tell her it was him. Because then she would know. And then she’d be dead. And then my little siblings might be dead. My dream flashing in my head of their bodies, mutilated bodies around me on the carousel me staring back at myself my eyes pools of deep blackness “you did this.” I had told myself, “this is your fault.”

“Love, who is L?” she asked me again scooting closer to me.

“I don’t know,” I lied.

“You don’t know?” she asked me frowning in disbelief. Like maybe she knew I was lying. That I at least at an idea of who L was even if I wasn’t saying it.

“I don’t know,” I insisted, “Everyone calls him the leader.”

I dared being as honest as I felt I could be. I didn’t want to talk about him or think about him. Mum pulling me into her lap hugging me.

“It’s ok love,” she said, “It’s ok.”

“I don’t know mum,” I insisted again, “I don’t know.”

“Ok love, I believe you. At least Lionel is going to take you out tomorrow. Spare you from this,” Mum muttered.

I wanted to tell her then. The words right on the edge of my tongue. But, I couldn’t. I knew I couldn’t. Mac started crying so mum got up going to go tend to him. I felt sick to my stomach the rest of the day. Mum making a phone call to someone trying to see if she could find John her swearing repeatedly into the phone until they finally hung up on her.

“Where’s John mummy?” Cat eventually asked her as mum leaned against the counter her head in her hands. She wanted to cry. I could tell by her body language that she wanted to cry.

“Let’s not worry about that right now ok Firefly?” I told her.

“But he’s been here lately. He’s been tucking us in every night,” Cat insisted.

“Well, John’s away right now ok?” I said not wanting to get into it.

Matt looking at me smiling like something was funny.

Mike tapped him on the shoulder and shook his head at him causing him to huff and shoot Mike a look rolling his eyes. I couldn’t tell what they were doing but it was almost like they were talking without using words. They did that sometimes. It always weirded me out.

“Come on guys, let’s leave mum alone. We’re all finished eating so we’ll go watch a movie,” I told them.

“What movie?” Cat asked, “Can we watch the last unicorn?”

“Huh, sure?” I said shrugging my shoulders.

So that was the movie for the night that I put on while I went and helped mum go clean up the kitchen. Me sighing sadly as she cried into the dish water. I knew it was hard for her but it was scary for me. Knowing that I had to go there tomorrow and I couldn’t tell her. That she couldn’t know.

I didn’t feel any relief that night as I helped mum put everyone down. I found it impossible to sleep getting up at 1 and then again at 3 and then the last time around 4am. Before I decided that sleeping was a wasted effort turning on my light and reading under my covers. I can’t even remember what book I was trying to read my brain spinning out of control wondering about the emails I saw. What Femme play was.

Wondering if he was really going to take me to the science center and if Ted was really going to be there or not. Or if he was just going to take me there. Just take me to the villa to be with him. When mum woke up I was nearly so tired I almost fell asleep in my cereal.

“Love? Are you ok?” she asked me.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

“Did you not sleep well? Because of everything that’s going on?” she asked me.

“I’m ok,” I lied.

“Maybe I should call Lionel. See if he’ll change the plans. Let you stay home,” she muttered.

When I heard that I was wide awake instantly. She did that he would be mad. He’d be beyond mad. I couldn’t let her do that. He’d kill her. I knew he’d kill her.

I took a deep breath trying my best to stay calm as I said it, as I…gave myself to him. As I made sure that dream didn’t come true. As I made sure it wasn’t my fault for once.

“No mum, really I’m ok. It might be fun, right? And at least that way you know I won’t be where John is stuck. That way we don’t have to worry about Uncle Ben getting to me, right?”

It felt I was skinning myself alive. Lying to her like that. But I wouldn’t let her die because of me. Because I hadn’t slept the night before.

“That is very true,” Mum said, “Ok. He’ll pick you up in front of the building. He has permission your Da already called the school and they know he’s going to be there to get you.”

“Ok,” I said, “Should I wear my uniform or…?”

“I think your Da said jeans and t-shirt is fine,” Mum said, “I don’t see why it wouldn’t be. No use in wasting the dry cleaner bill.”

“Ok, I said nodding my head before I went to my room to change my clothes.

It wasn’t that I wanted to please him or Da or anything like that but mum was right. It was more practical to just not wear my uniform so I took it off hanging it back up before I went out to the bus stop the bus picking me up.

No one tried to talk to me or bother me on the bus that morning. It seemed more like a normal day until I got off the bus Sergei standing near my bus in his chauffeur uniform gesturing for me to follow him which I did. He opened the limo door for me and let me in before he shut it loudly me looking at him as he sat there smiling.

“Hello little one. How have you been?” he asked me.

My insides went cold to just hearing him speak. I wasn’t sure what to say. I mean I had been ok. I wasn’t sure that’s what he wanted to hear though. Him frowning at me the longer I remained silent.

“It’s polite to answer when someone speaks to you William,” he said.

“Sorry,” I said his stern tone helping me snap out of my silence as the car started to move forcing me to sit down in the seat closest to the door, “I’ve been ok. I huh, spend a lot of time with my brothers and sisters so not much has happened.”

“I see,” he said smiling at me, “Most of them are young correct?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

His smile widened, “Then I understand. They probably aren’t good at holding conversations yet. So basically, an average week for you?”

“Uncle Ben wasn’t there,” I told him.

“Yes, I know. Benjamin was with me this week helping me with preparations. Speaking of, sadly our plans for the day have changed. I think we’ll go out to breakfast and then we’re going to be heading to my house. You remember my house?”

I nodded my head before realizing me wanted me to use my words, “Yes, I remember sir.”

“You can call me Daddy L ok? I’m not sure how much your father would appreciate it but it’s a habit I want you to get into. Is that ok with you?” he asked.

I nodded my head. It was weird. I didn’t understand the point of it. Just hearing him ask me that made my stomach hurt. Made me feel wrong. Just being near him made me feel wrong.

“I talked to your mother,” he said suddenly causing me to jump slightly which he smiled at, “Come here little one. Come sit by me.”

I knew I wasn’t allowed to say no so I nodded my head and moved the car hitting a spot in the road that jostled me. It made me fall forward him catching me before I fell. His hand landing my chest.

His eyes did this weird thing that Da’s eyes always did when he wanted to…I felt sick to my stomach.

“Little one it’s ok. I’m not going to hurt you. You know that. Come sit,” he said scooting over so that I could sit next to him.

I wondered why he always said that. Why he always told me he wasn’t going to hurt me. I think maybe it showed on my face because he smiled at me.

“What are you thinking?” he asked me.

“Why do you always tell me that?” I asked him.

“Tell you what?” he asked me wrapping an arm around my shoulder.

“Th..that you won’t hurt me,” I managed to stutter out.

“Because I won’t and I think that Benjamin has treated you badly. I want you to know that there are men like me that won’t hurt you. Men that will love you like a boy is supposed to be loved,” he said to me.

I didn’t understand what he meant. I figured he meant what they did to me. The stuff they made all of us do but that wasn’t love. I knew that wasn’t love. When you loved someone, you didn’t hurt them. You didn’t put yourself inside them if they weren’t ok with it. I knew at least most of them realized we weren’t ok with it. That making us do those things wasn’t ok.

“Oh,” I managed to mumble as he rubbed my shoulder slowly.

“Are you ok my little one?” he asked me turning so he was facing me, rubbing my collar bone above my shirt looking at me. Like that, like he wanted to. Him smiling at me, “You’re so beautiful. Such a beautiful boy…” he whispered to me before tilting my face up gently by the chin to meet his.

He put his lips to mine. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to. I wanted to scream. I knew I couldn’t though. That if I did he would be mad. That if I tried to push him away he would be mad. Him licking at my closed lips until I allowed his tongue past them. Until I allowed him to kiss me, his tongue sliding against mine, him licking the inside of my mouth.

He didn’t do it for long. Maybe only half a minute but when he pulled his mouth away from mine I was shaking. My whole body trembling. I didn’t like the way it felt. The way his tongue felt in my mouth. The way his mouth tasted like some weird type of gum.

“It’s ok little one,” he said pulling me into his armpit, “It’s ok.”

It wasn’t ok. I wasn’t ok. I wanted him to let me go. I wanted to go home. If that was going to be my day I wanted to go home. I didn’t want to be here with him.

“Talk to me,” he said, “I know that was sudden. I’m sorry I just…you’re so special my little one. You understand that, right? That you’re special to me. Do you want to go to ihop? Would that be ok with you?”

I nodded my head. I didn’t know what to say to him. That was the problem with him was he often left me unsure of what I should say or do. He was very much like Uncle Ben in that aspect. It felt like almost anything was the wrong thing. Being near him made my head fill with this static that I couldn’t get past. Like all I could think was this static, this fear that took control of every inch of me. Nothing about him scared me more than him robbing me of my ability to think. Taking my ability to see past the fear he made me feel and making me stupid.

He smiled at me as he rolled down the patrician that separated us from Sergei, “Sergei, take us to ihop please.”

“Yes sir,” Sergei grunted in his heavily accented voice before the divider went back up.

“Do know what we’re doing today?” he asked me his arm still around my shoulder causing me to stare at him blankly, “Use your words little one.”

“Going to your house,” I answered.

“That’s right and you know where I live?” he asked me.

“The Villa,” I answered quietly.

“Where you got your mark, yes,” he said, “It won’t be like that though. It’ll be different. You’re going to spend time with me ok?”

“Just you?” I asked.

“Well,” he said sighing, “That’s why we’re talking about it. I have a friend that’s coming an important friend who has heard about how special you are. He’d like to meet you and spend some time with us. Are you curious to know anything about him?”  
I wanted to say no to him. You weren’t allowed to say no but I really wasn’t curious about this guy at all. I already knew about him but, Lionel couldn’t know that. He couldn’t know I knew the guy’s name or that he was Japanese. That he trusted Lionel’s tastes and that they had a lot of things in common.

I shrugged my shoulders.

“Well, he loves boys like I do. He’s a good friend. He’d like to meet you and talk with you. He’s coming here all the way from Japan just to see you. To spend time with you. Doesn’t that sound exciting?”

“Japan’s been around for a long time,” I said quietly because I wasn’t sure what else to say.

His smile growing and him letting out a loud laugh as I said it, “That’s why I like you. Sometimes you say the most childlike things. I think it’s because you get nervous because your Uncle and Da both tell me you’re not like that at home. That you’re very…mature at home. That you take care of everyone. Is that true?” he asked me.

I nodded my head. That was true. I did help mum take care of everyone. I always did because mum was so tired all the time and John was always drunk. Da was gone now and so it was just mum and I and the kids mostly. Because mum wouldn’t let Ben help not that he would help anyone anyway. The only thing he would do was hurt everyone.

“Use your words little one. You really are a quiet one, aren’t you?” he asked me.

“Sorry si…Daddy L I just. I don’t know.” I told him as he looked at me closely.

“What don’t you know?” he asked me.

“What to say,” I said quietly.

I was speaking just above a whisper afraid that if I was too loud I would make him angry. Afraid that if I said the wrong thing I would make him angry. I didn’t want him to be angry. If he got angry he would kill her. That’s why I had gone with him so he wouldn’t kill her.

“Just tell me what’s on your mind. Tell me about what you’re thinking. How you feel,” he said quietly, “You’re a beautiful special boy William. I want to know you. I do, I just think this fear you have because of your uncle is holding us back. I promise I won’t hurt you,” he said his eyes lighting up for some reason as he moved getting on his knees in front of me taking both my hands in his, “I vow to you William Arthur Caleb Henry that I Lionel George Lord will never intentionally do anything to hurt you that has not been justified. I swear it to you with all of my being, my body and my soul. You understand?” he said kissing my hands.

It was gesture to win me over. To get me to relax and trust him. However, I had noticed even at my young age that he hadn’t said he would never hurt me. He had said he would never intentionally do anything to me that hadn’t been justified. I knew what that meant. The question wasn’t to me justified by who because it was by him because he was in charge and I wasn’t stupid I knew he was in charge. It was more when it would be justified. When would he feel it was warranted? When would he feel he had the right to hurt me? What exactly would that offense be?

I nodded my head at him. Knowing he wanted me to accept his pledge. That he wanted me to accept him for his word. That he had done it even using my full name. Something I wasn’t aware of that he even knew. Something that even my mum rarely used. He smiled and sighed sitting back in the seat next to me only for us to turn a few moments later and come to a stop in the parking lot of an ihop. Sergei coming and opening the doors for us him holding out a hand helping me step down, me allowing him too because Lionel was right behind me.

“Sergei, if you could sit at a different table that would be perfectly fine while I sit with my guest,” he said to which Sergei nodded his head.

Lionel made me take his hand and we walked in together. Shortly after that someone called him on his cell phone. Da had a cell phone so I had seen one before they just still weren’t super common at the time. I ordered strawberry crepes. They didn’t taste nearly as good as they had at home or at Aunt Fiona’s but there were nice. The last thing I remember Lionel saying before he hung up the phone was in an annoyed hiss.

“Well I don’t care get it done and sorted. I don’t care how old they are. You take care of it. I’m trying to have a nice day. I’ll be there in less than 2 hours,” he said before he hung up his phone snapping it shut and he looked up smiling at me, “Is it good?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head being honest.

“I’m sorry about that. I was hoping to enjoy a nice meal with you. But, you see my life is very…busy. Next time it won’t be like this. You’ll see. We’ll make a day of it again. Maybe then we’ll actually get to go to the science museum. I’m sure you’ll enjoy it. It seems like the kind of thing you would like. They have a lot of interactive displays,” he told me.

“It sounds like it would be fun,” I agreed.

“Or maybe we could do something else, Teddy and you and I could go to a movie,” he said looking at me, “Would you like that?”

“Yeah that sounds fun too,” I said his smile widening as I gave him a small smile.

Hanging out with Teddy did sound fun. I had fun last time I had been with Teddy and all of us together. I hadn’t been good at skate boarding and had fallen several times but it had still been fun and I hadn’t been seriously hurt. The only damper on that day had been Julian and him deciding to be an asshole.

The waitress came up, “How old are you?” she asked looking at me.

“He’s my grandson, he’s 10,” Lionel answered for me.

That made me slightly uncomfortable. I kind of understood why. Because it was weird to be out with a kid that you weren’t related to especially in the middle of the school day but, it still made me uncomfortable. Made me think of how wrong it was.

“You are very handsome. I have a son that age,” the waitress said making small talk.

“Do you? What does he look like?” he asked her smiling.

That made me frown. If she had any idea who this guy was she wouldn’t be telling him about her 10-year-old son. Before she could answer Lionel’s, phone rang again, “Sorry excuse me,” he said answering it, “Hello? Sasha, Sasha, stop it. ostanovit' yego (stop it). I don’t care. Ok, I’ll take care of it later,” he said snapping his phone shut again, “Sorry about that. It looks like I’m needed elsewhere. So, do I just pay here?” he asked pulling out his wallet.

“Yes, that’s fine or you can take it up to the counter,” she said.

“You know what my dear,” he said handing her a 50, “keep the change. Come on William.”

He stood up holding out his hand for me to take which I did. Sergei getting up and laying a handful of bills next to his coffee so he could meet us and hold the door open for us. When we got into the limo and Sergei shut the door. Lionel sighed heavily.  
“I’m sorry about this little one. Apparently one of the …one of our purchases is giving Sasha a hard time and he tends to have a harder time with the older ones. Especially when it comes to controlling his temper,” he told me.

“Is he like Uncle Ben?” I asked finding myself speaking before thinking.

“Thank you,” he said smiling at me, “For not being nervous I mean. You tend to be very shy and very quiet. It’s refreshing when you speak of your own accord and hopefully it’ll start happening more often. To answer your question, he’s very similar to your Uncle yes. However, your uncle tends to be even more volatile than even Sasha. So usually we keep him with the younger ones because he tends to be a little more patient with them. You understand what I’m talking about?”

“People,” I said to which he nodded his head.

“Your father and Uncle told me you were sharp. Do you know what kind of people?”

“People like me?” I asked him to which he shook his head.

“No little one. The people we help are boys who aren’t as lucky as you are. They don’t have parents that care about them or love them properly and we take them away from those situations and take care of them. Make sure they feel loved and wanted. Sometimes we’re taking them away from people who want to hurt them or don’t cherish them. However, when they’re older they tend to be almost resentful because they are used to living and relying on themselves for everything. So, for a while they need to be watched to make sure they don’t hurt themselves or each other and that’s what Sasha and your Uncle and sometimes even Sergei help me with.”

“Why would they hurt themselves if you’re taking them away from bad people?” I asked him.

“Well. Last time we went out we went to the zoo, right?” he asked me to which I nodded my head, “Some of those animals were born in that zoo. If you took them out of the zoo they would be scared and they wouldn’t know how to take care of themselves or feed themselves. They’d be completely lost and probably get hurt or become the victims of other animals in the wild that knew better than they did. When a person is born into a certain situation even a bad one they don’t want that situation to change because if you take them out of there they don’t know how to function. Sometimes they get angry and confused and in turn that means that they can be mean and dangerous. So, your Uncle Ben and Sasha help them learn how to not be like that anymore. To respect what they have. To get used to being someplace else.”

“But Uncle Ben is really mean,” I said quietly, “How could he help them learn how to not be like that anymore if he’s just going to be mean to them?”

“He’s only mean when they don’t do what they are told. They need to do what they are told because it helps them. It helps make them better. Do you understand a little now?” he asked me.

I nodded my head lying. It didn’t make any sense to me at all. None of what he said made any sense as I thought about Frank. How someone had cut him really bad and then sold him. How he was only little. He had only been maybe 8. It didn’t make any sense to me how he could want to stay in that situation. He hadn’t sounded like he wanted to.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked me.

“Last time I was there I met some boys in the showers. I think they were like the boys you are talking about but one of them was little. He said his name was Frank and he turned around and he had this huge scar on his back and said someone had given it to him and then taken him away from there. From the person that did that,” I said.

“Yeah, we did. We help boys. We don’t hurt them like that,” Lionel tried to assure me, “You’ll never be like those boys though. You’re very very loved William. I love you and your Father loves you as well as your Uncle and your mother. I’m sure your siblings love you as well. So, you don’t ever have to worry about that ok?”

“Ok,” I said.

“How about we play a game?” he asked me.

My whole body froze. I mean we weren’t exactly having a normal conversation about normal things but for a couple of minutes I hadn’t been scared of him. More just thinking about the things he did. And he had to change. To be that guy again.

“What’s wrong little one?” he asked me, “Your eyes…they look so sad.”

“I…is it going to be like before?” I asked him.

“What do you mean?” he asked me quietly.

“Like last time,” I said before I exhaled deeply.

“Well, my house is kind of like a secret hide out so I have to put something over your face so you can’t see how we get there,” he told me, “So I’m going to play a game with that ok? You want to stand up and take your clothes off for me?”

He wasn’t even waiting until we got there? He was going to…I felt my lip starting to tremble. I didn’t want to. I really didn’t want to.

“Oh Shhh…it’s ok little one. I won’t hurt, I promise. It’ll be like last time, it’ll feel nice. Ok?” He tried to assure me, “Don’t cry. I won’t hurt you. Not ever. Don’t cry. Come here.”

He hugged me. Holding me rubbing my shoulders and back trying to soothe me. Trying to calm me down. At first it was over my shirt his hands rubbing lower until they were going up the back of my shirt under it. His hands against my skin. It felt cold. I looked at him to tell him that, that his hands were cold him taking that opportunity to pull away from me and kiss me, forcing me down flat on the seat with his body weight.

His hands moving around to the front of my body traveling up my skin and taking my shirt with them, forcing it up. By then it was just hard to breathe. I couldn’t cry because I felt like I couldn’t breathe. He shoved his tongue back into my mouth. Kissing me hard. He broke apart sitting up his chest heaving just like mine was. Only his was probably out of excitement whereas mine was fear. Me feeling frozen laying there with my torso exposed below my collar bones.

“You’re so beautiful. I hate to cover that pretty face,” he said running his hand through my hair, “Those beautiful big green eyes.”

“Do you have to? Cover my ...my face?” I asked him.

Anyone hearing that would have probably thought I was asking because I wanted to be able to see him and I did but only because then I could anticipate what he was going to do next. With my face covered I didn’t have that chance. Everything he did would be a surprise. I wouldn’t be able to tell if I was making him angry or not. Because if I made him angry he would hurt me. I knew he would.

“I wish I didn’t but, yes. It’s important that I do. It’ll just be until we get there,” he said, “You know what?”

He looked at me biting his bottom lip before he undid his tie taking it off his neck and wrapping it around my eyes. It smelled like old spice. Him putting it on rather tight, tying it behind my head.

“Just relax its ok,” he said, “Hold still.”

I felt him pulling at my shirt. I wanted to keep my clothes on. Him climbing back on top of me. Causing me to squirm despite myself. I instinctively reached out not able to see anything, trying to tell where he was, what he was doing. If he was trying to get my shirt off. He grabbed my wrists hard squeezing it before forcing it back down to my side.

“I’m taking off your shirt. I have something sharp in my hand I don’t want to hurt you so you need to lie still you understand?” he said his voice harsh and deathly quiet.

I gulped. Why did he have something sharp? Why did he need something sharp to take off my shirt? That didn’t make any sense to me. That’s when I felt him pull my shirt away from my body and he started ripping it. Ripping it from the hem up. The sound of the fabric ripping feeling like it was rattling around in my ear drums the sound all encompassing.

I needed my shirt. Why was he ripping it like that? He could have just taken it off. I must have whimpered or something because next thing I knew he was leaning forward and I could feel his breath on my face.

“I’m not going to hurt you little one I promise. We’re just playing a game that’s all. I’m not going to hurt you. Just be really still for just another minute ok?” he said before the ripping sound started again him grabbing my shirt pulling it hard against the back of my neck for a second before it loosened.

He had cut the neck line of my shirt. Him laying a kiss on my throat as he pulled at my shirt sleeve on my right side moving my arm and pulling it out of what was left of my shirt before doing the same thing to the other arm.

“You can move freely now little one it’s ok,” he said. I would have sat up but, I could feel his weight on my legs, the feel of him heavy making my legs ache.

So, I could move freely but he was sitting on top of me. Making it so I couldn’t even really sit up. I couldn’t see him the whole thing making me that much more nervous, scared. He said he wouldn’t hurt but he was. He was hurting me and probably felt like he wasn’t. He had taken away my shirt, ripped it to shreds.

“Calm,” he whispered moving back, lifting his weigh off my legs, “Just stay calm.”

“S…Daddy L? Please?” I whimpered.

“It’s ok little one, it’s ok,” he cooed his hands going to the waist of my jeans, “I’ll make it feel so good baby I promise.”

I didn’t like the way his voice sounded. The way he smelled. The way my face smelled like old spice. My own fear was holding me down. Making it hard for me to move and I couldn’t understand why. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t fight back. Why I was never able to fight back. I wanted to scream at him but I knew better.

He undid my pants and he didn’t pull them off right away instead kissing down my chest pulling down each side and kissing my stomach there. Making it hard to breathe. I couldn’t see what he was doing but I could feel his hands on my biceps. His lips and tongue rolling over my belly button.

I whimpered. I didn’t mean to but it felt too strong, the feeling of his hands and mouth on my skin when I couldn’t see. It was like a sharp inhale mixed with a whimper, him pulling back pulling at my waist.

“Lift up,” he said his voice commanding. In the same way he had told me to take off my shorts the last time, “Don’t make this hard you won’t be happy. Lift up.”

I did as I was told lifting my hips him pulling my pants and boxers down the cold air hitting me. I went to go cover myself with my hands, hide myself from him. He grabbed my wrists again hard.

“Don’t play that game. Don’t be like that little one. I just want to make you feel good and it’s beautiful. You’re so beautiful. Don’t hide from me. I love you. I love your sweet…” he palmed me with his free hand not letting go of my wrists causing me to jerk and my legs to squirm. Me realizing I wasn’t feeling his weight anywhere near my legs. Not up against the sides of my hips or on my knees or anywhere above them. It taking me a minute to realize he was probably on the floor beside the seat leaning over me.  
“Does that feel good?” he asked his voice deep and husky, “I’m going to let your arm go now but I expect you to behave. You can move however I suggest trying to relax and let it build. It feels better that way. Just make those yummy sounds you want to make ok baby? Don’t censor yourself but try not to use words. Just for this part ok?”

I nodded my head in response. Him sliding his fingers up and down. It sending a cold sharp tickle up and down my spine. It felt like he was electrocuting my body. His fingers traveling up and down my shaft. Giving me a hand job.

“That’s feels good doesn’t it baby? My special little one you’re getting so ripe, so hard. Are you ready for me? Are you ready for me to suck you?” he asked me.

I just wanted him to stop. I wanted my body to stop. I wanted the world to stop. I wanted his hands off of me. His lips wrapping around me making me shriek in surprise before I slammed a hand over my mouth embarrassed. Embarrassed that I couldn’t keep myself from sounding that way. Sounding like it felt good when I just wanted him to stop.

“It’s ok little one you can make all the noise you want. The was a surprising one but not all together unpleasant. You taste good,” he said as he stopped talking licking me rolling his tongue over my tip before he sucked me back into his mouth again.  
At one point he grabbed my right leg leaning his weight over it so he could use his mouth on me. The sensations making it impossible to be silent. The more he did things the hotter my face and body felt. The harder it was to breathe. He did it for what felt like forever before he did something with his tongue that made my whole body feel tight and he kept doing it until that energy released in a rush.

When he was done he pulled away making a satisfied moan and smacking his lips happily, “That was tasty. Your cream is so tasty my special little one. I would satisfy other urges but I think we should wait. That and you look spent. You were such a good boy for me. You’re my special boy William.”

He kissed my forehead before he moved me. Making me sit up a little before pulling my head into his lap. I wanted to move, to pull away but I wasn’t stupid. He would probably do other things right there. All of the other stuff if I did so I just laid there blind folded wishing I could cut off everything. That I didn’t have to feel it anymore. Feel what he had done. Wishing that he’d give me back my clothes but he didn’t move to. Him just running his hand through my hair.

“You’re such a special boy. I’m sure our friend will be very pleased with you. Once we get you ready. That part will be very fun though. I’ll think you’ll enjoy that too. You want to play again with me little one? You seem to enjoy it. You seem to enjoy it a lot all those sweet little sounds you make. However, I think you make them louder when I give a massage while I do it. That you enjoy my fingers. What do you think?” he asked me.

I wasn’t ok with that. I just wanted my clothes back. I felt dirty and knew nothing would make me feel clean but I wanted my clothes back. I wanted my clothes back.

“William, you can use your words now little one. Speak to me ok?” he said kissing my forehead.

“Can I …. Can I h…have m-my cl-cl-clothes?” I stuttered.

“There’s no need for them it’s just us and I enjoy seeing your body. Just relax. I’m not going to hurt you. I’ll never hurt you.”

I wanted to scream at him. He had already hurt me. Putting his mouth on me had hurt me. Him grabbing my arm so I couldn’t cover myself had hurt me. Him cutting my shirt from my body had hurt me. Everything he had done had hurt me. The fact that he wanted to kill my mum if I did something wrong, didn’t do what I was told had hurt me.

Him making me lay there naked with my head in his lap blind folded hurt me. The fact that he used my silence against me hurt me and the fact that he demanded I speak when I didn’t have words I wanted to use that hurt me too. I didn’t want to be his special boy or his little one. I just wanted to be me.

That’s all I wanted was to be me. To be a boy who didn’t belong to anyone. A boy that wasn’t Lionel’s or Uncle Ben’s or Da’s. To just be a boy who wanted to figure it out and not be afraid it was the wrong choice. That those feelings were wrong and put there by bad people. People who had done those things to me and that in turn made me want to do them to others. I just wanted to be me and not be afraid of it. Of everyone and everything.

I don’t know how I managed to not cry. But I didn’t. I held it in letting him run his hand through my hair not fighting him and not trying to get away at some point me almost managing to meditate. To ignore my body and leave it behind completely. My brain playing something weird in my head. Snow. Snow falling all around. Watching a cat turn into a woman. Watching some transform. Watching a boy, a boy who lived laying on a door step in the darkness as 2 wizards disappeared and a half giant took a flying motorcycle away.

I don’t know why or how but before that moment I hadn’t ever really connected to Harry potter. Not until I saw it in my mind. It was only then that I felt the story, knew the story. Only in the moments where my brain was looking for an escape and I begin to live the story did I understand what it meant. What it meant to be the boy who lived.

Through that act of meditation, I must have fallen asleep because before I knew it Lionel was forcing me to sit up kissing my forehead, “Come on little one. We’re here.” He said stirring me awake. Bring me back to my reality.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will arrives at the Villa to spend time with Lionel. Lots of heavy warnings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> page 395 to 428 **Warnings: Rape/non-con, forced cross-dressing, forced oral, forced anal, forced kissing, toys, bondage, slapping, restraints, kind of unclean (not sure what you want to call it), mental health issues, anxiety, physical discomfort, pain, fat guy, forced 3 way, nudity, talk of nudity, verbal abuse/dirty talk, forced dirty talk** I almost made this as whole lot longer. **This is like John's part 1 POV chapter 33 and a half because it's kind of in-between 33 and 34 all stuff you didn't hear about or even know about because John wasn't aware it was happening.** Now I'm hoping by this point I don't have to give the digression advised and don't condone if you are at this point in my story because I really don't. IF you don't like this please I'm begging you please don't read it. If you're not finding something educational in this I'd prefer you didn't read it but it's the internet so who am I kidding right? Right. Cry for this kid. Please, feel free to cry for him. He needs all the tears. Anything written in (inside these) is a rough translation usually of any language you see if I think it's needed. IF I didn't and you don't understand something let me know and I'll give it to you.

He didn’t take off his tie, not right away. Me hearing people chatting as someone carried me naked into the Villa. I wasn’t tied up but, I couldn’t see what was happening and I knew better than to remove the blindfold/tie from my face. I knew better than to speak unless I was asked to speak.

“Is this one yours?” I heard an unfamiliar voice ask probably Lionel.

“The one with Sergei? Yes, he’s mine,” Lionel said and I felt a hand on my ankle. 

So that answered one question.

“He looks delightful,” the voice said, “Ben’s nephew, right?”

“One of them, yes,” Lionel answered the person.

“Will he be on the tables tonight?” the guy asked.

He sounded way too excited about the idea to make me comfortable. I couldn’t see who he was but, obviously he was brotherhood. I felt sick to my stomach wiggling a little bit wondering if there was any way to hide myself, hide the fact that I was naked and exposed.

“Vse normal'no,” Sergei muttered at me. (It’s ok)

“No, he won’t be. He’s for private entertainment tonight,” Lionel answered the guy to which he sighed loudly and disappointment.

“Why do you always keep the sweetest ones for yourself Lionel?” he asked him.

“Well, Henry because they are sweet. You can talk to Benjamin while Connor’s away if you want to arrange some private time to get acquainted with him,” Lionel said, “Come Sergei, take him to my quarters please.”

“Yes sir,” Sergei grunted before he started walking. 

It felt like he carried me up a flight of stairs and then up another and then he turned left. I felt a lift kick on and then him carry me down another hallway and I heard a door open. When the door opened he set me down and took off the tie from around my eyes.

When he took it off he was smiling at me and no one else was there. I backed up until I fell into something. A sofa falling onto it as I used my hands to cover my nakedness.

“YA by s udovol'stviyem poverila, no ty ne v sebe,” he told me smiling, “You stay here. Watch TV he will come.” (I would love to believe me but your off limits.)

With that he left shutting the door behind him. I was alone. I looked around looking at the room around me. It was like a sitting room and kitchen combo almost like an apartment. A large TV sitting up against the wall in front of the sofa I was sitting on. A black recliner next to it and glass coffee table in front of it. The walls were this beige color and there was a small table in the corner next to a kitchen island. A table too small for my family to sit at only having four chairs.

I knew they made tables that small but I thought they only had those at restaurants. Apparently, people had them in their houses too. All of the appliances in the kitchen made of stainless steel the counters and cabinets white with black counter tops. There were four doors around the area but I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to go in them. The air felt cold. Me sitting there naked on the couch taking in the room around me.

I knew I was in the Villa but the Villa was a big place. I wouldn’t have even known where to start looking if I had moved. Sergei had told me to turn on the TV but, I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to or not so I just sat there. Naked using my hands to cover myself as I sat in silence. I started to wonder where everyone else was. Figuring they were downstairs but I also wondered if I would see them or if what Da and Lionel had said in their emails was true, no one would know I was even there. Not John, Not Cole, none of my friends. No one would have any idea I was there at all.

I looked at the clock on the wall telling me it was 10:45. School had been in for almost three hours so no one was there probably. At least not yet. The door opening causing me to jump a foot in the air Lionel coming in and smiling at me and then frowning.

“Have you just been sitting here staring at the TV while it’s off little one? You could have turned it on. I didn’t mean for you to wait in the silence all by yourself. There was something I had to take care of. Did you look around? I want you to feel comfortable here.” He said to me coming over and sitting next to me making me scoot away a little bit causing him to frown slightly.

“Sorry,” I muttered, “I… Sergei said I could turn on the TV but he didn’t show me where the remote was and I wasn’t sure if I should…” I trailed off.

“It’s ok, come here let me show you around,” he said grabbing my hand making me follow him as he went up and opened one of the doors, “This is the bathroom. Obviously, you can use it whenever you need to. You know where the kitchen and living room are. This room,” he said walking us over to a different room and opening up the door. 

It was painted powder blue. The walls were empty and there was an old quilt of varying shades of green spread over a double bed that had matching shams. It looked like a nice room like it was made to keep someone calm. The idea that such a normal room would be in his house unsettling to me for some reason.

“This is your room. If you want you can decorate it at a later date. It used to be Luke’s room but Luke and Teddy seem to like sharing a room so this room,” he took my hand and lead me over to another door before he opened it.

There was a superman themed bedspread on the bed and movie posters all over the place. Another couple posters of David Beckham and one of the backstreet boys which was surprising for some reason to me.

“is there’s and now, I’m excited to show this to you,” he said taking me to the last door, “Is our room.”

Our room. He had called it our room. Not his room or “my room” but our room. There was a huge bed made of a deep dark wood. all of the future made of the same thing only this bed was like the bed in the room downstairs. It had a foot board with three holes in it almost like stocks. The middle hole bigger than the other two. Big enough for someone’s head to go through. There was a big canopy above lace hanging down but also hooks stung up along it with different things hanging down. One of them looking similar to the paddle that Uncle Ben had used on me once a raised heart on the side facing us. It was made of black rubber. He went over smiling and lifted up the skirt of the bed.

It looked like a dog cage. Instead of the floor under it being bare it looked like there was some type of padding almost like a sleeping bag. Me taking a couple steps back a shiver going through my body as he smiled at me watching my response.

“Don’t worry little one. If you behave you’ll never have to sleep in there ok? Just remember that,” he said to me.

I nodded my head looking at him, “I’m cold.” I told him quietly.

“Oh! I’m sorry little one. Just give me a minute. You should have said something earlier. Here,” he said closing the bedroom door behind me and grabbing something off the hook. It was a silk robe of a deep red him holding it open. It wouldn’t exactly make me warm but, it was better than using my hands me sighing as he helped me into it wrapping his arms around my waist and tying it shut for me before he hands starting wandering lower making me freeze, making me strand up a little straighter as it got harder to breathe.

“You’re so beautiful,” he said, “It’s perfect on you. How about we have some fun instead? That will warm you up.”

I didn’t want to do that again. Not like we had in the car. I wanted to go home. He sighed looking at my face, my expression.

I felt like I was staring at him blankly but, apparently I was showing enough emotion it was worrying to him as he came around in front of me using his hand to gently tilt my chin upwards so he was looking at me, “You know I have a friend coming. You know we talked about that in the car yes?”

I nodded my head and he exhaled loudly.

“Use your words little one ok? No one else is here but me and you. I’m not going to hurt you and I’m not going to be angry so don’t be nervous about saying the wrong thing. Just use your words ok? A part of behaving is using your words,” he warned me.

So, he was going to put me in that cage thing if I didn’t talk to him? If I didn’t…I gulped opening my mouth to say something and then closing it again the words getting stuck. He wouldn’t. He wouldn’t please no. I wasn’t a dog. I wasn’t.

“Oh, little one, just use your words that’s all ok?” he said, “Don’t cry. Use your words.”

My eyes dried. I hadn’t realized I had almost started crying. My brain trying to back track to remember what he had asked me. About his friend, him telling me about his friend in the car.

“I remember you talking about your friend, yes,” I said.

He smiled warmly at me pressing his index finger to the tip of my nose, “Daddy L remember?”

“Sorry Daddy L,” I said quietly.

“That’s all right. Just try to remember,” he said smiling, “My friend likes special things. He likes his friends to dress up nice and I have to get it ready so you can help me. Do you want to help me?”

I was confused. What was it that he needed to get ready? Teddy and Cole had talked about some guy that was into weird stuff but was this the same guy? The guy that was coming to this party? I wasn’t sure what to say but his brows started to wrinkle as he watched me waiting for me to speak so I figured I would say something quick.

“What do you want me to do Daddy L?” I asked him.

“Well,” he said the wrinkle vanishing as he smiled happily, “Why don’t you go sit on the bed? Don’t worry about the foot board. That’s not for you ok little one?”

I nodded my head walking over to the bed. It was high up. There was even a step stool to get up which I used putting my hand on the top of the foot board to heft myself up onto the bed turning around to find he was taking off his clothes. That he was…getting naked.

I hugged myself staring at me feet that were still too small. My feet hanging off the bed. I was taller than my mum. I imagined how small she would feel sitting on that bed. Him walking over to me and tilting my chin up as he set something on the bed next me.  
I was afraid to look and see what it was him smiling at me, “My friend likes his boys to dress pretty. You want to help me make some special panties for you to wear for him?”

“W-w-what?” I asked.

“Just relax,” he said leaning forward into me forcing his tongue in my mouth as he made me lay back.

I gripped the foot board as he kissed me. My hand wrapping around the top part of the small circle on it as I gripped it. I didn’t want him kissing me like that. It made me feel gross. Gross like when Da did it or Uncle Ben. Bad. My knees starting to shake as he leaned into me, his nakedness up against my legs.

He pulled back after a minute smiling at me, “Why don’t you lay down little one? Go up by the pillows?” he asked me.

I sighed my whole body still shaking as I turned crawling up the bed on my hands and knees so that my head was by the pillows. He climbed into the bed with me, him grabbing me and turning me to face him his hands going to the tie holding the robe closed that he had given me maybe five minutes before.

He straddled my hips looking down at me, running his hands through my hair. Looking at me, the robe now open exposing me making me want to cover myself as he got off and then came back a tube of something in his hand, lube which he squirted a little bit of onto his hands before rubbing them together and touching my chest his hands feeling greasy as they slide over my nipples.

“Ah!” I let out a little squeak as he flicked one of them with his fingers covering my hand with my mouth in surprise.

“It’s ok. You can make all the sounds you want. Don’t be shy my little one ok?” he said to me kissing the center of my breast bone his hand going there immediately making me feel sick to my stomach.

I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want my body doing this. I squirmed as he leaned over top of me. Rubbing my member between his fingers the wetness of the lube making them slide easier over my skin than last time, making it easier for me to get aroused. Causing me to wiggle and grunt in frustration as my body gave over to him making me pant.

“You want it don’t you little one? My special little boy? You like the way it feels, don’t you? The way Daddy L makes you feel? The way it tingles so nice.” He muttered as he kept rubbing before he pulled away stopping looking at me, “When was the last time you had a B.M?” he asked me suddenly.

I balked blinking at him, me being able to breathe the moment he stopped touching me. I thought it was a weird question. It seemed like a weird question to me. When was the last time I had crapped? The night before after dinner and eventually I would have to again. Usually going like twice a day. I just stared at him his hand resting on my stomach above my pelvis as he looked at me waiting for me to answer.

“It’s ok little one. Don’t be embarrassed. It’s a natural human function. I’m just wondering is all,” he said starting to trace a small circle with his finger on pubic bone.

“Last night after dinner,” I answered him sheepishly his eyes lighting up with a smile as he looked at me.

“Did you clean after? Take a shower?” he asked me.

No, I hadn’t. I was 10, I didn’t shower every night or morning unless I had been doing something gross. Uncle Ben had been gone that week so it wasn’t like I was doing a lot of stuff that would make me dirty me instead cutting a shower or bath down to every other night that week. I shook my head in response wondering what he was getting at. If he would be mad at me for not being clean.

He made a sound of excitement before he grabbed my ankles pushing them up into my shoulders and shoving his tongue into me licking vigorously. Me letting out a shocked squeak as he licked and sucked his hands pressing hard into the back of my thighs.  
It was always a very strong sensation. Making it hard to stay still and not try to get away. I didn’t like the way it felt but my body certainly did. It always made my leg twitch. I looked for something to grab so I could squeeze it so I could control the sounds I was making my face turning red with shame as he did that. Him making grunting and moaning sounds as his tongue swirled around and in my hole. His mouth pulling away and him slowly pushing his finger into me, “That’s it my good boy. My special boy,” he said as he started to move his finger in and out.

I didn’t want it to feel like it was feeling. Me scared of what he would do if I begged him to stop as I started to mouth the word “please” over and over again meaning I wanted him to stop. To please just stop. Just stop and he wouldn’t. Him laughing lightly as he pushed in harder adding another finger him finding that spot brushing against it making my whole-body flinch.

“I’m trying my little one, I promise. You want my tongue? You want me to suck your special fruit? Give me all that sweet cream?”

It took everything in me not to scream at him no. Not cry and scream at him no as I dug my nails into the mattress under me as hard as I could. He wrapped his lips around me sucking. It felt like I was being electrocuted. The heat and tightness so overwhelming my whole body was trembling.

I closed my eyes trying not to think about what he was doing. Wishing it away, wishing my body away trying to block it out. Every time I inhaled I gasped, my face feeling hotter and hotter as he kept going, as my body kept getting closer and closer. He stopped for a minute before I felt it, him slowly pushing into me as he put something on me.

“Want to help me make your special panties my little one? My friend likes special panties,” he breathed pulling out and then pushing back in a little farther grunting happily, “That’s it baby, let me in, let me have you. That’s it.” He grunted pushing all the way into me before he started rocking us the feeling of him moving inside me too much.

“That’s right baby,” he groaned, “That’s right my good boy, come for me. God yes, that’s it.”

He started hitting that spot making it harder and harder to breathe before it felt really tight and really warm him somehow staying inside of me as he moved placing something over top of me as he rubbed me to climax before he laid back down on top of me grunting happily as that wetness flooded my insides making me feel even more gross, sticky. He stilled didn’t pull out running his hands through my hair.

“You’re such a good boy. Open your eyes little one. Please, for me?” he asked to which I nodded my head opening my eyes.

There was something weird about them, something weird about the way he was looking at me that made me feel gross and sick. That made me feel uneasy. Him smiling at me and kissing my forehead. Like he was happy. Euphoric.

“There you are my little one,” he said pulling out of me, “How do you feel?”

I felt disgusting. Like the whore I knew I was. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to look at him he had just…his cum feeling like it was leaking out of me, dripping out of my insides and down the back of my legs.

“What’s wrong little one? Didn’t I make you feel good?” he asked me him frowning in what looked like worry.

I couldn’t stop myself from starting to cry slamming my hand over my mouth to keep myself from screaming. From shrieking at him to quit touching me, to let me go. To leave me alone so I could just die.

“It’s ok my special boy. You made me so happy. There’s nothing to cry about. You were so good for me William. You made me feel so good. Didn’t I make you feel good? Tell me what I have to do to make you feel good baby. Do you want me to suck you? What do you need me to do huh?” he asked me.

He let me cry into my hand before he grabbed it impatiently, “Tell me what you want. Don’t be a bad boy William use your words.”

“Can…can…can I…I... I ssshh shower D-da-daddy L?” I managed to barely squeak out.

“Not right now my little one. We’ll lay here for a while and then I’ll have someone come in and make you pretty. My friend likes pretty boys. And you’re beautiful all on your own but, sometimes he likes different things. It’s ok though. I’ll be here.”

His friend liked different things. That confused me enough to dry my tears. I wasn’t sure what he meant by different things. He must have seen the frown on my face because he frowned at me thoughtfully.

“What are you thinking?” he asked me.

“What different things?” I asked him quietly.

He smiled at me running a hand through my hair again sending a shiver down my spine, “Do you know about make-up?”

I nodded my head.

“He likes to see his boys in makeup. I honestly don’t think it’s needed. Especially for a boy as beautiful and sweet as you but, he enjoys it. Seeing boys made pretty like little dolls before he plays with them. So, we’re going to have someone come in and make you up. Make you pretty. We’ll take some pictures too. For fun.”

His hand starting trailing down my open robe as he leaned over top of me, “I bet your sticky down there. Would you like to be cleaned up?”

For some reason I thought he meant he was going to get a wash cloth or something and let me wipe myself down so I nodded my head. Instead him moving pushing putting my knees on his shoulders his tongue trailing down the back of my ball sack and going there again. His tongue going into my hole again licking and sucking. He didn’t stop again until I came again. Him stopping wiping his mouth on the back of his hand as he moved so he was lying beside me again.

“Better? Do you feel cleaner?” he asked me smiling.

I nodded my head lying to him. Because I knew that’s what he wanted. That he didn’t care that his spit was making me feel sticky and gross. He laid there with me running his hand through my hair making me wish that I could scream but knowing better.   
Knowing that I couldn’t tell him what to do. That he would put me in that cage under his bed and I would probably never come out. After a while he turned looking at the alarm clock on the night stand next to the bed.

“I’ll be back shortly ok my little one?” he asked me kissing my forehead, “Stay here.”

He got up and grabbed a long black robe leaving me laying there on his bed. Me pulling my robe closed and curling into a ball but not daring to leave the bed. A near numbness washing over me as I laid there waiting for him to come back. To do that stuff again because I knew he would. When he came back he loudly shut the door making me look at him.

“Here, let’s get you ready,” he said grabbing something that was laying on the bed. It was a pair of lace panties. Women’s pink lace panties that looked dirty. Something slimy and almost white but not quite on the front of them. He bent down and held them out for me to step into. I noticed that there wasn’t really a back to them but only a thin strip of lace.

“What are those Daddy L?” I asked him confused.

“Your special panties. We made them together remember? My friend likes it went boys wear special panties for him. Come on put them on. The make-up girl is here. She’s going to make you pretty like a doll remember William?” he asked me, “We talked about it.”

“They’re dirty though,” I pointed out.

He smiled at that like he was amused, “Don’t worry about that. It’ll make him very happy ok? Just come here, let me help you put them on.”

I sighed getting off the bed and stepping into them. They felt wet and cold against my skin, sticky with my own…grossness. I didn’t like the way they felt. The thin strip of fabric going up against my butt in-between my butt cheeks. Him pulling my robe closed that I was still wearing using the tie to tie it closed as he kissed my forehead opening the door.

There was a girl sitting on the sofa. A box in front of her on the coffee table. A kit of some kind. I looked at her trying to avoid looking at her sheer robe her body naked under it. She smiled at me patting the spot on the couch beside her Lionel grabbing my shoulders and massaging them gently.

“This is Shoonji. She’s going to help make you pretty ok?” he asked to me.

“Yes, I make pretty,” she said to me in broken English.

She was Asian. Long dark straight hair loose flowing down her back. She looked pretty and she had to be maybe a year or two older than John. She looked at Lionel her eyes nervous, scared. She probably belonged to him like I belonged to him. But I thought he didn’t like girls.

“I have some stuff I have to take care of. Shoonji you’re treat him well yes?” he asked her.

“Yes sir,” she said nodding her head vigorously as Lionel left. Shutting the door to the whole area behind him, “Come,” she said gesturing to me to sit beside her again, “Sit.”

I didn’t feel like sitting. My butt felt wet and sticky still, my front wet and sticky too. I also felt a little tender which is normal. But, she didn’t need to know that. I mean she must knew what was going on even a little bit but, I didn’t want to talk about it. Bother her about it.

“Is ok,” she said standing up slowly, “I not hurt. I make pretty.” She came towards me both her hands out in front of her nodding at me smiling as she reached out to grab my hand, “please sit? I make pretty.” She repeated again.

I pulled my hands back hugging myself. I shook my head. I didn’t want to sit down. I knew that I probably should. That we would both get in trouble if I didn’t but I didn’t want her to touch me. I wanted to shower and get out of there. I wanted my mum. 

“No, I not hurt. I make pretty,” she said again before she sighed sitting on the arm of the recliner I was standing near, “I know he bad man. Very bad man. I sorry. You have to make pretty though. Be pretty. He get mad if we don’t. Mad bad. Very very bad ok?”

“Shoonji?” I asked her to which her eyes lit up smiling as she nodded her head, “Does he hurt you? Does he make you…?” I trailed off.

She sighed sadly at me and shook her head, “Little namdongsaeng. How you say?”

I frowned at her. I had no idea what that meant. She sighed biting her bottom lip thoughtfully before she tried again pointing at me saying it again, “namdongsaeng. Me namdongsaeng.”

“Little boy?” I asked her and she smiled nodding her head, “you have a son? A baby?”

She shook her head, “no me not,” she gestured like she was holding a baby shaking her head, “namdongseang.” She said again pointing at me and then at herself.

“Little brother?” I asked her and she nodded her head happily, “yes.”

I don’t know why but I felt my lip start trembling the tears coming her making a gasping sound of surprise coming over to me.

“All right,” she mumbled hugging me, “Shhh…all right.”

“No,” I said shaking my head.

My whole body was shaking again. He was her little brother. He’d…I wondered if he was my age or younger. Lionel liked younger boys usually. I knew that. I imagined him being James’ size.

She pulled out of the hug smiling at me sadly, “You be ok, you be strong strong…b... buoy?” she asked me like she was asking me if he pronunciation was correct.

“Boy,” I said.

“B-boy?” she asked saying it right.

“Yeah, boy,” I said nodding my head.

“You strong boy. You ok. We make pretty though ok? No…” she took both her fist and rubbed them in circles under her cheeks frowning, “No that.”

I thought about what Cole had told me. How Lionel had killed a boy because he didn’t do what Lionel had told him to. How he had made Cole watch and I thought maybe Teddy too. I nodded my head.

This boy was probably locked up somewhere counting on me. Counting on me not to get him killed. This little boy no older than James. Probably scared and crying. Only god knew what Lionel was letting people do to him. I gulped nodding my head and going over to the couch sitting down. Nodding at her.

She smiled and grabbed my hand in reassurance nodding her head happily at me as she opened up the box. It was full of brushes and stuff. Her grabbing a little thing full of powder and dipping a brush in it before bringing it to my face.

“They have your brother?” I asked her quietly to which she nodded her head at me, “They have mine too I think. Are you scared?”

“S-sared?” she asked me.

“Scared like boo?” I asked her.

“Oh! kkamjjag nollan?” she asked her eyes lighting up in understand, “Yes I sared for my namdongsaeng,”

“How old is he?” I asked her, “I’m 10.” I held up my fingers wiggling them.

She put down her brush holding up six fingers her face falling. So, he was little like James. It felt weird. Knowing that I was right. Knowing that this poor little boy was there somewhere. That they were hurting him somewhere. I dawned on me that while she didn’t seem to speak English that well we were having a conversation. An actual conversation.

“Where are you from?” I asked her.

“daehanmingug,” she said picking her brush back up.

I wasn’t sure she had understood the question but she smiled, “Long way.”

“Did he bring you here? The bad man?” I asked her not sure how else to communicate to her who he was. What he was. She sighed loudly making her lips vibrate like a toddler before she shrugged her shoulders at me.

I took that to mean she wasn’t sure her blinking at me, “Close eye.”

I sighed closing my eyes. Her doing something taking a brush of some kind and running it through my eyelashes. Before I felt her touching my eye lids lightly. Then I felt her take a brush to my lips covering them in something kind of sticky and wet.

“Open,” she said smiling at me nodding her head, “Pretty. I make pretty.”

It felt weird. I had never even though about wearing makeup before. I knew what it was. I had seen my mum put it on and watched Catty and Mike play with Karen’s but I had never thought about putting any on myself her grabbing my hand and leading me over to a mirror on the wall.

It looked weird, my eyelashes looking big and long a light gray shimmery eye shadow spread over my eye lids. My lips wearing something light pink and sticky, lip stick. It looked weird. It didn’t look like me or a doll. My face looking like me but not. Me wanting to touch it but knowing that was probably a bad idea. That it would make a mess. I heard something loud out in the hall. A loud booming laugh.

Shoonji inhaled sharply her eyes going wide before she got on her knees on the floor putting her hands in her lap and looking at the floor. Whoever this was she was scared of them. More scared of them then she had seemed of Lionel. The door opening as I sat there on the sofa next to her.

When it opened Lionel was there and this really fat Asian guy. He was only a little bit taller than I was. Maybe five or six inches. Not as tall as Lionel even though he looked like Lionel had maybe 20 years on him physically. He was probably just a little bit older then my da. His skin just starting to wrinkle around his eyes. His hair black having a thin nearly trimmed mustache and beard. He smiled at me.

“Hou, this is William,” Lionel said introducing me before Hou turned to Shoonji and said something to her in whatever language she had been speaking her standing up daring to shoot me a sympathetic look as she hurried out of the room Lionel shutting the door behind her.

Hou as the man had called Lionel turned to look at me, “He’s stunning.” He muttered. Causing me to avert my gaze the mere words out of his mouth making me feel dirty. Feel like a thing and not a person.

“I told you he was. He’s a very good boy aren’t you little one?” Lionel asked me coming over and sitting down on the sofa next to me, “Don’t mind the quiet, he’s shy.”

“That’s ok. I’ll get you to open up. You do have the best tastes as always,” he said sitting down in the recliner on the other side of me. I was on the couch Lionel on my left while Hou was sitting in the recliner on my right the only thing separating me from Hou the arm of the sofa and then the recliner itself. They both felt too close.

Making me feel like I couldn’t breathe. I knew they were going to rape me. That they were going to make me do those things again. I didn’t want to act scared but I was. I was scared because that little boy was depending on me. Depending on me to behave so that he didn’t die. Lionel was depending on me to behave and do what I was told so that I didn’t make him mad. So that he didn’t kill my mum. I felt like everyone was depending on me.

“What’s he like in private?” Hou asked Lionel.

“He makes the most delicious little sounds. I think he tries to fight it. His face usually turns red and he sometimes cries a little bit but, otherwise he’s very…cooperative.” Lionel said.

“I don’t mind tears. Sometimes they’re nice,” Hou said to which Lionel nodded his head.

“I agree,” Lionel said scooting closer to me making me tense up.

So, he knew I cried. He noticed and he didn’t…he didn’t care. Uncle Ben hated it when I cried and so did Da so I always tried not too or to be quiet about it. I hated knowing that he had noticed me crying and that he didn’t care. That he even liked it. Liked knowing that he hurt me, that he scared me.

“William why don’t you show him our surprise?” he asked me smiling at me.

“Wh-what?” I barely managed.

“You know the surprise we made for him? Remember?” he asked me.

I wasn’t sure what he meant and then I realized I was sitting there wearing make up the robe closed, me holding the top of it tightly closed with one of my hands to cover myself the best I could. It went down to my midthigh. Me suddenly being aware of them again, the panties that Lionel had made me put on. How they felt wet and weird.

“William,” Lionel said in that warning stern voice he used when I wasn’t doing something the way he wanted me to, “Show Mr. Hou our surprise.”

I gulped nodding my head standing up. I knew he wanted me to take off the robe. To show Hou that I was wearing them. That I had those on and nothing else under my robe. I sighed my hands shaking as I untied the tie on my robe and letting it fall open Lionel moving behind me and pulling it down off my arms, taking it away.

Hou’s smile grew, “Simply luscious.” He said licking his lips at me.

“William why don’t you give Mr. Hou a hug. Thank him for visiting us. He came a long way you know? All the way from Japan.”

I didn’t want to hug him. He looked so big he could swallow me. If I had been younger I’m sure some part of me would have already thought he had swallowed a small child his stomach seeming very bulged under the black robe he was wearing.

“William,” Lionel said in that warning tone again, “Don’t make me ask again. You need to be polite.”

I walked towards him slowly my heart hammering in my chest as he sat up and little straighter opening his arms for me to walk into them. Him grabbing my arm once I was within reaching distance and wrapping his arms around me him burying his face in the middle of my chest as he grabbed my butt before he started kissing me.

I made a tiny gasping sound. His hands starting to play with the thin strip of fabric in-between my butt cheeks him feeling it oddly before he pulled away frowning palming the font before he laughed loudly making me jump.

“I’m sorry William,” he said, “You really did it, didn’t you? You know me so well.”

“Well you did come a very long way,” Lionel said behind me, “Are you pleased?”

“Very. Stunning boy all dolled up for me. In a take home gift. It’s perfect, thank you,” Hou said, “Why don’t you show me the bedroom, William it is, right?”

I nodded my head turning to look at Lionel. He was leaving me alone with him? With this guy. I didn’t…I mean I certainly didn’t want Lionel touching me but at least I knew who he was. I knew what he was like. I didn’t know what this guy was going to do to me. He was probably going to suffocate me with all his fat. He was so fat.

“L…Daddy L?’ I asked Lionel quietly him smiling at the fact that I remembered that’s what he wanted me to call him.

“Yes, my little one?” he asked me.

“Are you coming?” I asked him.

They both laughed, “Well, little one I’ll be back later,” Lionel said coming over to me and putting his hands on my shoulders, “I have some things to attend to downstairs so you and Mr. Hou are going to get to know each other. Spend some intimate time together ok? Why don’t you show him to the bedroom where we played before?”

So yeah, I was supposed to let him rape me. Let him have sex with me.

“You’re not going to hurt me, are you?” I asked looking at Hou.

Hou frowned at Lionel, “Why would he think I was going to hurt him?”

“His Uncle Benjamin has been a little overly rough in the past. Please don’t take offense,” Lionel said.

“Oh of course not William. I would never hurt you. Not a stunning creature like you, not ever ok?” Hou said to me.

He looked sad. Sad at knowing someone had maybe hurt me. I knew it was trick to try and get me to calm down, to be less scared. It didn’t help any, him promising not to hurt me.

Lionel and Da always said they wouldn’t hurt me and they didn’t physically but so many other things they did hurt so badly, so deep down there’s still no way for me to describe it. How much it really hurt. Every touch of their fingers and mouth might as well have been skinning me alive. that’s the type of emotional and mental anguish they inflicted on me. It was a type that they didn’t understand and that I was sure they never would.

I nodded my head him standing up and taking my hand, “Now which room are we playing in?” he asked me.

I walked to the door pulling it open with my free hand my whole body shaking as I did so. He allowed me to walk into the room him shutting the door behind him and smiling at me, “Is this where you played?” he asked me, “Did you have fun? Lionel’s a good friend of mine and he’s good at having lots of fun.”

He asked me that like I was six and not 10. It made me feel weird. Did he think I was that young? Me in all my 10-year-old wisdom thought it was impossible for someone to mistake me for being that young so I kind of just stared at him probably a confused look on my face because he smiled at me.

“What are you thinking?” he asked me.

“I’m 10,” I answered unsure if I was going to get in trouble for that.

He cleared his throat and muttered something to himself in what I’m assuming was Japanese, “Sorry,” he said smiling, “I’m used to playing with younger boys when I’m here usually.”

“Are you mad I said it?” I asked him.

“Not at all William,” he said to me, “Why don’t you go lay down?”

I sighed. So, this was it. I was supposed to just let him do it now. He wasn’t going to pretend that he wasn’t here to do that. That we weren’t there to do that. He wasn’t going to sweet talk me and tell me it was ok. He just wanted me to…I looked at him as he took off his robe.

It looked like he had three bellies. His rolls had rolls. I couldn’t even really see his penis one of his rolls hanging low over it. It made me wonder how he was planning to not squish me to death. Me staring at him reluctantly using my hands to cover myself and touching the wetness that was starting to dry on my underwear. The underwear Lionel had made me put on for him.

“I won’t hurt you,” he told me, “Lay down on the bed on your back. Go on.”

I swallowed. My throat feeling dry as I used the step to pull myself onto the bed and do what I was told. I was scared of what he was going to do to me. Wondering how he wasn’t going to kill me as he got on the bed next to me turning to face me. I laid flat on my back staring up at the canopy above me.

“You’re very sexy,” he said to me causing me to look at him.

I spoke without thinking saying what I was feeling because, I don’t know it just slipped out. The words making my face heat up as I said them, “I don’t feel sexy.”

“You are, you’re very very…,” he said his hand resting above the waistline of the undies I was wearing “Sexy. Lionel said you could come is that true?”

My stomach fell. Yeah, I could. They made me do it all the time. I knew it was natural that it was just a part of life but, it still felt weird to talk about it. Especially with a strange man I didn’t know that was lying in bed with me. It wasn’t something I felt like talking about especially when I couldn’t control it.

“Is it true? I know you’re shy but don’t check out here on me,” Mr. Hou said his fingers skittering across the skin at my waist.

I nodded my head. Him smiling as he shifted his weight palming me, feeling me through the underwear I was wearing.

“Do you like coming? I think it feels nice. Most boys like coming,” he said to me, “I like tasting. Can I taste?”

That sent a shiver up my spine. I hated that. He didn’t wait for me to answer before he started kissing the front of the underwear I was wearing putting his mouth around me through the fabric. It felt weird but it still made me gasp in surprise. Lionel had just spent a long time doing that. Preforming oral sex on me before he raped me. It made me feel sick inside just thinking about someone doing that again.

Thinking about someone touching me like that again. My insides freezing as he licked and nibbled at the outside of the panties he was making me wear before he pulled them aside. He didn’t take them off but exposed me through the leg hole his mouth going around my penis, his tongue lapping at me. My arms felt like lead. My chest feeling heavy.

I whimpered. It didn’t…I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the way it made my body feel sending that tickling feeling up and down my spine while my chest felt tight. He moaned as he used his lips and tongue to play with my tip. My head feeling heavy, my brain feeling like it was swimming in cold water. He grunted and groaned making slurping sounds while he did it. Me gasping with each breath, wheezing. I wanted him to stop. I knew it didn’t matter what I did that he wouldn’t stop. That he wouldn’t stop because he didn’t want to. That he didn’t care at all. That he didn’t care how I felt.

After a couple of minutes, he stopped reaching up, out and stopping when he couldn’t find what he was looking for. Him looking at me and smiling, “You do make the best sounds really,” he said straddling me his body over mine for just a minute as he grabbed for my arm pulling gently.

I was gripping the headboard as best I could. Sliding my hand through one of the spaces in the wooden post and gripping it. I let go. I didn’t have a choice if I wouldn’t have he would have hurt my arms. He smiled at me kissing my hands. It did it like it was a loving gesture, a caring one careful that he didn’t let his weight rest on me as he moved again so he was laying more between my legs again instead of over top of me. He took my hands placing them on his head, in his hair as he looked at me.  
“Why don’t you rub my head and pull on my hair a little baby?” he asked me, “I mean I love the sounds but I need a little more ok?”

That was something Lionel hadn’t made me do. No one had made me do that. They made me kiss them and stuff but they didn’t make me really touch them as they touched me. As they did things to me. This was new. I didn’t…I wasn’t sure what he was doing. I tried to sit up so I could see him better. He placed his hand the middle of my chest forcing me back down so I was lying flat again.

“It’s ok to like it you know? I mean you’re good. You’re amazing but, just a little bit ok? To let me know it feels good,” he said.

No. I remember thinking that. No, I didn’t want to. I was still just getting used to Lionel, to lying there. I must have shaken my head or something because he frowned at me slightly.

“We’re supposed to be playing together. Not just me playing with you. Are you uncomfortable is that why you’re…not really interacting? It’s ok to be nervous. It really is. However, I like to know my playmate is enjoying themselves too. Other than your sounds you haven’t really shown me that. Maybe if we take these off it’ll feel better?” he asked me pulling on the waist band of the panties and pulling them down my body moving taking them off.

Lionel had made me put them on for him and now he was taking them off. So, he wasn’t done because I wasn’t…being interactive enough for him. Wasn’t engaging and I hadn’t…given him what he wanted. Not really. I hadn’t come. I had been closing my eyes trying not to. The feeling had been building, the tightness and warmness getting tighter and warmer the more he did it.

He was going slow and I didn’t understand why. Lionel always seemed to be in a rush and Uncle Ben and Da even to a point. Not this guy though. Not Hou. He had been going slow sucking slowly, gently using his tongue a little bit and switching back to sucking his hands rubbing my hips and outer thighs as he had grunted and moaned and snorted.

“Do you like being played with here,” he asked touching the area under my balls making me flinch.

That area is really sensitive. I mean the whole area is sensitive in general but a small touch there is a tickle and a more forceful touch makes it tickle so much it almost burns a little bit. He smiled at me as my whole body jumped under the touch.

“Nothing to be ashamed about. We can do something about that. Hold on,” he said kissing my right hip, kissing my brand before he got up and went over to the dresser that was in the room.

I didn’t know what he was doing. He pulled something out of the dresser smiling at me. I looked at it in his hand. It was some type of toy him pulling out a condom and putting it on the thing.

It looked plastic but instead of being anchor shaped it was more like a messed-up C with what looked like a silver button at one end while the other end was black and tapered with some small ridges on it that looked like bubbles maybe. Probably for texture. He grabbed a bottle of lube sitting by my feet and squirted a generous amount onto the toy rubbing it to distribute it over top of it.

I knew what that was for. Uncle Ben had used one before. Just looking at it making me able to feel it. Feel what it did. Uncle Ben had strapped me down and let that thing run on me until it burned my insides. Until it tickled so badly it burned. I didn’t want to do that. I wasn’t ok with that.

“Please…,” I begged him shaking my head, “Please…I…”

“Shhh…. it’s ok. I won’t hurt. It’ll feel good ok?” He told me lying to me, “If you’re good I won’t tell him you said no. He doesn’t like hearing boys say no. I’m not sure you know that but, you’ve probably guessed it. He’d be super embarrassed to hear that his special boy wasn’t nice to his guest. I just want you to play with me William that’s all. It can feel good if you let it.”

I hadn’t said no verbally but he was right I had shaken my head. My protest going silent as I laid there my whole body shaking as I tried to breathe. Tried to tell myself to behave. To just do what he wanted.

“There you go. That’s a good boy,” he murmured, “Can you grab the back of your knees? Please? It goes faster if you…”

He wanted to put it into me. To use it on me like Uncle Ben had. I tried to remind myself that if I was me it wasn’t that little boy. It was Shoonji’s brother or mine. It wasn’t some poor little kid that he was doing this to if he did it to me. I closed my eyes grabbing the back of my knees like he told me. He slid a finger into me making a satisfied sound as he started to stretch me. I inhaled sharply him moaning slightly as he bit his bottom lip.

“You feel so nice. So tight. I have to stretch you to even get in there probably. Even after he played with you earlier. You’re going to love this baby. It’ll feel so good,” he mumbled adding another finger causing me to dig my own fingernails into my skin as he pressed harder, deeper.

He wasn’t even trying to hit my prostate. It wasn’t hurting as badly as Lionel had in the car on the way back from the zoo but it was uncomfortable still. I tried everything I could think of to stay calm. To allow him to do what he wanted before he took his fingers out pressing that thing up against me. That thing of plastic and rubber. It felt hard.

That is one huge different between real and fake. Real penis’ have give. They mold to your body whereas with a fake one your body has to find the give. When your body isn’t that big to begin with there isn’t a lot of give to be had. The bluntness of the solid feeling plastic and the rubber over top of it causing me to tense waiting for the impact. Waiting for that beyond uncomfortable coldness to slid into me. He sighed resting his head against my pelvis for a second before lifting his head and looking at me.

“Baby you need to relax. It’ll hurt if you don’t relax. This isn’t like what you’re used to, ok? It’s not going to mold to you like my cock will so you need to relax. Now take a deep breath clench all of your muscles and then let everything go soft ok?”

I knew what he was saying, that he was saying it to be nice. To let me know that it would hurt and hurt bad if I didn’t relax. I knew he didn’t have to warn me. That he could have just shoved it right in ripping me, probably making me bleed but he didn’t. I tried to my best to take his advice and relax my body. I took a deep inhale and then a really big exhale as he started to push it into me the cold shocking me, making me squeak.

“It’s ok you’re doing so good baby,” he said starting to fuck it slowly into me, pushing in a little farther each time he pulled it out until it was all the way inside me. It stung hitting up against something wrong or stretching me too wide. Him moving it a little bit, turning it so it was in a certain position.

“AHH!” I screamed as he turned it on. It was right up against my prostate. It was too much way too much. I wanted him to turn it off. My whole-body twitching to the point where I could no longer keep ahold of my own legs.

“It’s ok you can let go,” he said moving so he was laying down with his face up against my pelvis licking my belly button and taking my hands putting them on his head, “Just pull my hair and rub my head baby that’s all.” He said before I felt his lips go around me.

I screamed and whimpered. I could feel the one end buzzing inside me sending a constant vibration up through the deepest parts of my body as the other part sat right up again the skin behind my balls, buzzing there too, making my whole body want to spasm and jerk. It took everything in me to keep myself from using words, from begging him to stop. Because god I just wanted him to stop. I wanted it to stop. Please god just stop, just stop.

I tried to pull my hands away him grabbing them hard and holding them to the back of his head. Giving me no choice but to touch him. To grip his head as he kept sucking.

I let out a shriek as I came hard in his mouth as he made snorting sounds like a pig drink it down. I thought he would be done after that but he just kept going. The pressure that my body had just released already starting to build back up. My body was shaking out of my control him sucking and licking harder making obscene sounds as he did so. Moaning happily around me as that thing made my insides burn and my whole-body twitch. He didn’t stop until he was satisfied. Until he was sure I had given him everything I had. Only then did he turn the vibrator still shoved inside of me. He sighed happily crawling up the bed to lay beside me kissing my neck and chest.

“That was so good baby. You seem so tired. Are you tired? Maybe I shouldn’t have worked you so hard. I’m sorry. We’re going to have so much fun tonight. You’ll see.”

“More?” I managed to mumble weakly.

He was right I was tired. My whole body hurt. That thing still instead me, still making me very uncomfortable even though it was turned off. My whole body hurting from the muscle cramps I was experiencing because my muscles kept spasming. Because it was too much. There was too much energy flowing through me, up and down my spine that I couldn’t control. I was too tired to cry otherwise I probably would have. Too tired to move or try and push him away as he held me, kissing me and teasing my collar bone and chest with his tongue and mouth. Him still touching me just not down there.

“I’ll be back in a little while ok baby?’ he said as he sucked on my neck for another minute before he got up and left the room taking his robe with him.

If I hadn’t of been in so much pain I probably would have cared more where he was going and when he was coming back but I didn’t. I was barely conscious the moment I closed my eyes. I was no longer able to keep myself aware, falling into an uneasy sleep. My whole body cramped and yet felling like jelly at the same time. Me jumping awake when I felt someone’s hand on my body.

“It’s ok little one,” Lionel said rubbing my collar bones, “I heard you were a good boy. Were you?”

I nodded my head. I had done what he had told me. Everything he had told me no matter how much it had hurt. Lionel staring at me as he laid down next to me. Causing me to sigh. Was he going to…now too?

“You’re so beautiful. Such a special boy little one,” he said running his hand through my hair, “Did you enjoy yourself? He said you came several times is that true?”

I felt my face turning red with shame. Yeah, I had. At least twice. I nodded my head.

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Enjoying yourself is nothing to be ashamed of ok? Why don’t we…,” his hand went there causing me to gasp.

I wanted to be done. I froze afraid he was going to turn that thing on that was still in there. Him frowning as his hand hit it, noticed it before his smile grew, “Mr. Hou likes toys sometimes. He used a toy?”

I nodded my head, “ Si…Daddy L can I take it out?”

“I’ll do it just lay back. Just relax,” he said grabbing it and starting to work it free.

I moaned in relief as he pulled it out of me. Moving with it inside me even in my sleep had felt weird. Even with it off it had felt weird. It had hurt so bad holding me open making my insides hurt. The relief of it being out was something I was so thankful for until he started playing with my hole. Until he started moving two of his fingers in and out making little moans and grunts of pleasure as he did it.

It made me feel sick to my stomach hearing him do that, feeling him do that. An occasional spark feeling like it was skittering across my skin, making me freeze. Making my body tense up again.

“Mr. Hou said you were a lot of fun. That you rubbed his head a let him know what a good job he was doing. Can you do that for me?” he asked me.

“Wh-what?” I barely managed.

“Just let me know how good it feels. You want me to fuck you. You’re still so open. So sexy,” he muttered.

He must have seen a sign of protest in my face because he grabbed me by the by the back neck slamming me flat into the bed. I was just me thankful it wasn’t a hard surface as he shoved into me groaning in delight. He didn’t care that I was scared. He didn’t care that my fear was the only thing keeping me from fighting, from crying. The feeling of his hand tightening the nape of my neck as he started to push in and out.

“Tell me you want me to fuck you…say fuck me daddy,” he groaned.

He couldn’t be serious. I wasn’t even allowed to use that word. My whole body shaking. Him stopping and rubbing my neck in warning. Before he pulled out flipping me over so I was laying on my back again. So, I was looking at him before he gave my throat a gentle squeeze. It was a warning. A warning that he was going to choke me if I didn’t say it. If I didn’t do it.

“F…fu...fuck me d-daddy,” I said.

“God yes, you want me to breed you baby. I’ll breed you so good. You feel so good baby boy,” he moaned pushing back in before he started moving inside me. Moving harder and faster causing the breath to leave my body “Say it again.”

“Fuck me daddy,” I said my voice shaking as I tried not to cry. I didn’t want to say it. It made me feel dirty.

“I’m trying baby, my special boy, I’m trying so hard. I’m going to make you cum so good. You want to come for me?” he asked me his eyes going wide like he wanted me to respond, to use my words.

“Yes. Fu…fuck me daddy,” I said before I started crying.

I repeated the words over and over each time my face burning with humiliation as I did it. Reminding myself of what I was. That I was his. That I was a whore. That I was asking for it. The closer I got the harder it was to make the words come out. By the time I was ready to orgasm the only sound I could make a high pitched gasping noise his hands long gone from my throat. Him stilling inside me as that feeling filled me.

“You did so good little one, that was amazing. One of my best,” he said kissing me trying to force his tongue in my mouth as I turned my head away.

He slapped me. Right across the face. Not hard enough to hurt but hard enough to get me to look at him and stop crying. So, I was right.

I had been right. He would hurt me. He would hurt me like uncle Ben would hurt me. That had been a warning. Him smiling at my reaction before he shoved his tongue in my mouth the kiss slow, calm. The idea that he could change from slapping me so suddenly to kissing me like that scaring me more than anything. Him pulling away, his smile still firmly in place at he gazed at me with half lidded eyes.

“That was a warning. You don’t pull away you understand that don’t you little one?” he said to which I nodded my head, “Good. How about you take a shower and then take a nap. Just in case Mr. Hou wants to play again later ok?”

I nodded my head. I could feel how wide my eyes were. Staring up at him. For some reason my brain still felt betrayed. I don’t know why. Maybe it was because he had said it so many times “I won’t hurt you.” That after he had said it often enough somewhere deep down I had started to believe it. I had wanted to believe it. My whole body shaking as he got up and put on his robe.

I buried my face in the pillow under me as he shut the door. Screaming into it. I wanted to be dead. I didn’t want to do that again and yet they were…a wordless howl breaking free from me that I tried to muffle with the pillow. I knew I was slut. That’s all I was, was a fucking slut. I had…I had asked him and my body had…That’s all I was. 

I cried trying to drown the sound into the pillow under me. I screamed and punched the pillow with my fists until I couldn’t anymore. Me only stopping when I heard the door crack open and then heard whispering.

“See Teddy, I told you he was crying. Do you remember him?” I heard a tiny voice. A voice like James’ voice, “Do you think he hurt him bad?”

“Luke, don’t worry about it ok? Go to the room. Just stay there and be quiet ok?”

“Why? He didn’t hurt him, did he? He kept telling him he was a good boy. Why would he hurt him if he’s good? He tells me I’m a good boy and he doesn’t hurt me. It just tickles. Is he ok?” Luke said rambling.

“Luke please? Just go to the bedroom. That way I know Papa is leaving you alone ok?” Ted said.

“Ok, I’ll read my book,” he said.

“That’s a good idea. I’ll get you when I come back ok?” he told Luke.

They door shut rather loudly making me jump. Making me hug the pillow to my chest. I knew it was Teddy but I didn’t want to see him. I was too ashamed. He knew what had happened. I knew he knew but I didn’t want to know how much.

“Will, it’s me. It’s ok,” he said his footsteps sounding like they were moving slowly towards the bed, “Will can you hear me? Will I need you to…”?

“Go away,” I said turning to look at him, “Go away.”

“Will, no,” Teddy shook his head at me, “I can’t leave you alone right now. I know you want to be alone but you might…I know what they’re like ok? I do. I know what Jai and Papa are like.”

“NO GO AWAY! GO AWAY!” I screeched as loudly as I could before I started sobbing.

“You have to be quiet! You can’t scream like that! Someone will hear and they’ll tell him ok? We’ll get in trouble and Luke is in our room all by himself. Jai will hurt him! He’s only little Jai will hurt him. So please be quiet. I’m begging you be quiet!” he said frantically.

“They’re coming back,” I said, “I can’t…”

“I know papa ok? I do. He’s horrible he makes you…he makes you say and do horrible things Will. He does ok? I know he does and I’m sorry. I am so sorry. You don’t have to be alone though you don’t,” Ted said to me, “Are you thirsty? Do you need some water? Did he tell you that you could leave? Shower?”

I nodded my head numbly as Ted walked off for a second me closing my eyes. I was so tired. I was beyond tired. I just wanted to die. I didn’t want to Ted to know. I didn’t want anyone to know. That he…they had made me do that. Say that.

“I’ll run the water ok? Can you feel your legs?” He said opening a door that I hadn’t noticed before as I heard some water kick on. It must have been another bathroom. A private bathroom Teddy coming out.

Teddy was wearing a robe. He looked tired. Something was wrong. Something other than the obvious. That’s when I realized Teddy wasn’t supposed to be there. He was supposed to be…

“Aren’t you supposed to be downstairs?” Mumbled.

“I’m on break. He let me come up and check on Luke. It’s his weekend. Luke gets scared here without me. He thinks it’s haunted because sometimes the throwaways scream at night. You can hear it through the vents,” he told me.

“Break?” I asked.

“You have two hours on the table and then two off. I got off 20 minutes ago. I’m lucky unlike everyone else I get to eat if I want and what not and I don’t have to worry about being punished for it,” he told me, “Can you feel your legs? Do you think you need help?”

“What time is it?” I asked him.

“6pm,” he answered shrugging his shoulders, “Do you need help? I can help you.”

I sighed nodding my head. For some reason him being there making me feel calmer. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be touched but I knew my knees would collapse under me the moment I stood up. I used the head board to push myself off the bed and sure enough the moment my feet hit the floor my legs went numb causing me to almost fall as Teddy caught me.

“I’ve got you. You’re ok,” he said.

“He…” I trailed off.

He said he knew but did he really? Did Lionel make him say those things too? Beg him for it? Call him Daddy or Daddy L? Was that something he made all his boys do or was it just me?

“It’s ok,” Ted said pulling my arm around his shoulder and wrapping his one arm around my waist, “You don’t have to tell me ok?”

“He made me tell him to…” I tried again.

“Yeah, he does that,” Ted said frowning, “Just say it. It gets him to finish quicker. Has anyone made you do stuff like that before?”

I shook my head. No, usually they just made me lay there. They had never made me interact. I had seen Da do that to John. Not say things but make John make sounds, kiss him. Wrap his legs around Da’s waist. I don’t think I had realized how gross that made you feel. Not until Lionel made me do it. And only god knew what they were making John do at that moment.

“A lot of them do that. Now Jai, he’s different. Most of them don’t do that,” Ted muttered as if it was an everyday thing he dealt with. Like he was used to it as he helped me into the bathroom helping me step into the tub.

I felt my face burn red as I realized my face was probably still covered in makeup. I was probably still wearing lipstick and eyeshadow. Mascara. The whole works.

“Ted am I still…?”

“Wearing make up? You have black circles under your eyes that’s pretty normal after you’ve spent time with Jai though. I don’t know why he likes it but, he does. He’s a kinky fucker. I won’t tell anyone,” he said.

“You’ve spent time with him? Mr. Hou?” I asked him.

“Jai? Yeah. You could say that we’re well acquainted. I was Papa’s favorite from the time I was seven until the end of last year so…,” he shrugged his shoulders, “I know a lot of his friends.”

I knew Teddy had been his but I didn’t know it had been that long. My brain trying to wrap itself around the idea of what Lionel had probably made him do. Reminding myself that I wasn’t the only that Lionel had done this to. That it wasn’t just me but a whole group of guys that had dealt with this. With him.

“How often does he come around?” I asked him.

“Maybe twice a year. This might be the only time you have to deal with him. Did he say anything about it? About you?” Ted asked me.

“He said I was stunning,” I said wigging uncomfortably noticing I was naked. Not that Ted was really dressed but it made me feel kind of …weird.

“Relax, everyone’s naked. All naked. Lots of naked boys. Tons of naked boys. I mean if we weren’t all being…yeah ok,” Ted mumbled smiling as his own cheeks started turning red.

“Everyone?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Ted said, “It’s what they do at parties. They take your clothes and give you a blanket if you’re lucky a robe and then…whatever they want you for pretty much. With whoever wants you.”

“So, you’re really gay?” I asked him causing him to smile.

“And you think you aren’t? It’s not like I’m trying to look ok? It just happens. Until my brain gets too tired to process all the nakedness. Even though it doesn’t always help. Sometimes before they all start you have major boner. I mean I’m sure the handlers enjoy that part but…however it does help you tell who is gay.” He told me.

“How?” I asked him frowning at him as I moved my butt protesting.

“Hurts?” he asked me and I nodded my head.

“Try six,” he said.

“I did at my branding. I remember what six feels like. Why do you think I’m not complaining?” I told him smiling.

“Right…sorry,” Ted said, “But yeah…not only that but Jai likes that ball slapping fuck so it’s kind of…”

“Do we have to do this?” I asked him.

“Honestly, I’m surprised your face just hasn’t stayed red. Usually you’re so shy,” Ted told me smiling.

“I’m too tired to be shy,” I said before I yawned loudly.

“Yeah, I think that’s what happens to everyone after a little bit. You just get too tired to care that you’re naked and your ass is sore. Not to mention other parts that won’t stop tingling and burning. You just get so exhausted that you just chill out and sleep.” Ted said.

“Can you hand me the soap or a wash cloth or something because right now I’m kind of just sitting here with the water falling on me and the curtain kind of open and it’s a little…” I sighed trailing off.

“Yeah, hold on,” Ted sighed shutting the shower curtain and then moving around the bathroom before he opened it behind me again grabbing a bottle of body was and then closing it again coming around to the part of the curtain in front of me again and handing that and wash cloth to me.

“Thank you,” I said as he closed the curtain for me and I started washing myself. Starting with my face as he talked.

“Being downstairs sucks. It hurts, you’re sore, you’re naked you’re embarrassed and you’re listening to everyone else go through the same thing. I mean some people scream. Usually there’s a lot less screaming when it’s kids our age and up but when it’s a full out party or a tenure there’s kids from the age of eight there and they tend to scream a lot. A LOT. It’s horrifying and it just reminds you of how bad it hurts when you’re that size. Of What they are doing to those poor kids. A lot of guys bleed for a few days after. I mean there’s only so much fucking you can take before your body just honestly can’t take it anymore.”

“No kidding,” I mumbled.

“Jai likes it. Him and Papa call it a sex coma. They just…,” Ted cleared his throat, “Fuck you until you pass out.”

I couldn’t see his face but something about the way he said it told me he was remembering it. How bad that made your body feel. Mine was definitely tired, my muscles still tight and cramping for some reason a lot of the pain being isolated to my lower torso and pelvis where my legs felt like they had no muscles left at all. Me scrubbing at my torso.

It wasn’t like my butt felt sore but more like it stung. Almost like having a rug burn on the inside of my ass. It mostly just makes you walk a little funny the feeling of being empty after having your anal cavity full for so long. The friction burn reminding you of what had happened. What they had made you do.

“Are you ok?” Ted asked me as I rinsed my face off.

“Yeah, I was washing my face,” I muttered.

“Yeah, that stuff is so fucking sticky. It’s a weird sticky too. Not like other stuff,” he told me.

“What?” I asked.

“Lipstick. For being sticky it doesn’t stay very well though,” Ted said, “I hated it. I am not a lipstick person.”

“I can’t even imagine you in lipstick,” I said.

“I’m sure you could imagine yourself in lipstick until about what three hours ago?” Ted asked me through the curtain.

“Something like that, yeah,” I answered.

“I think you look better without it,” Teddy said before he got quiet and then cleared his throat, “You know I mean…sorry. I’m an idiot.”

“We’ll just pretend you didn’t say that ok?” I said.

“Thanks,” he sighed heavily, “Do you need me to get you anything? You can eat but if you do I suggest like oatmeal. The fiber will help a little bit. Make sure it doesn’t get messy.”

“Because they’re not done you mean? Yeah, I realize. I’m all right thanks. You should go make sure Luke is ok,” I told him.

“Right,” he said, “Well huh…you’re sure you don’t need anything?”

“Wait how long as Luke been here?” I asked Ted suddenly aware of something.

That Luke might have heard me. Heard what Mr. Hou or Jai as his first name happened to be had been doing to me. I hadn’t exactly been quiet about the whole thing. It was hard to be quiet sometimes. The way they made your body feel sometimes made it impossible to be quiet. Anyone could attest to that.

“Since 3 when Sergei brought him here. Why?” Ted asked me. He must have sensed what I was going to say because he replied, “Don’t worry about it. Louis is loud when he’s entertaining company he hears it all the time. He knows what it is. To him it’s pretty normal. He won’t ask anything about it.”

“How normal is normal?” I asked him.

“Can we chat about that later at some point?” Ted said.

“Yeah,” I said, “I think I’m huh done cleaning.”

“Do you think you’ll need help getting out?” he asked me.

“My legs are still numb,” I answered reaching forward and turning off the water, “I’m sorry about…”

“It’s fine. I take care of Luke all the time. It’s not a big deal,” Ted said smiling holding out a towel for me, “You take that and I’ll help you stand up ok? Then I recommend you get some sleep. You can nap on the couch while I watch TV if you want. But I would seriously try to get some sleep if I were you because they’ll be back in a couple of hours.”

“Where did they go?” I asked taking the towel from him as he held out his hand and I grabbed him, him helping to me to my feet and wrapping his hand around my back to make sure I stayed standing.

“Downstairs. Probably blow off some steam. There are things Papa won’t do to us because we’re fives. That and Luke and I are related to him so that probably helps but, he’ll go grab a throw away. Don’t worry about it.”

“What do you mean?” I asked him feeling myself tense as Teddy ran the towel through my hair one handed.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said again, “It’ll only make you feel like shit so don’t worry about it.”

“Ted just tell me,” I said.

“He likes fisting and he won’t do that to you because of who your dad is and you’re a five. He’s never done it to me but I’ve seen him to do to other people. Don’t worry about it,” Ted said.

The way he said it he had no emotion in his eyes. Like it was something he wasn’t thinking about as he spoke just saying it. Like the idea, the memory was too much to handle. I nodded my head in understanding as he let go of me, helping me lean against the wall as he wrapped the towel around my waist.

“Come on Will, time to nap,” he as taking my arm and wrapping it around his shoulder, “Just lean into me. You’re going to be really stiff.”

“I realize, thanks,” I said moving my foot pain shooting up one of my thighs as I touched the tile with the bottom of my foot out of the tub.

“Told you,” Ted said as I made a little hissing sound, “And that’s why it’s bed time. I’ll give you some Motrin. You’ll be all right to go again when they get back.”

“Easy for you to say,” I said.

“Hey, I got like an hour and half before I have to go again too. Trust me the first thing I did when I got up here was take Motrin. It’s your new candy. Ok.”

“Thanks Ted,” I said as he helped out of the bathroom and then bedroom, helping me limp over to the couch in the living and pulling a blanket off the back of it, “No problem. Here’s the remote turn on the TV. I have to go take care of Luke make sure he’s settled in. He knows better than to come out of the room while all of this is going on. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

The blanket was fuzzy and warm. And I was so tired. So very tired. My body finally relaxing, my brain finally telling me I was safe at least for the moment. It only taking me a few minutes to fall to sleep on the couch with the TV on the background.  
I woke up to the sound of voices talking behind me. For a minute I didn’t realize where I was. Then I looked at the TV in front of me remembering. My body still felt sore but no longer like it was cramping repeatedly every few seconds, more like I had worked out for a very long time. My legs sore now along with my pelvis butt and torso.

“I know papa,” I heard Teddy’s voice, “I love you.”

“I love you too Theodore,” he said, “Now go back downstairs. We’re almost done entertaining.

“You mean he’s almost done entertaining” I thought bitterly afraid to move because then he would know I was awake. I remembered what Teddy said while I was in the shower. How he would fuck me until I passed out. He hadn’t done it before but gotten close to it. Him and Mr. Hou both. So, I wondered if they had changed their minds or if they were actually going to do it. Me not having to wonder for much longer as I felt someone sit down on the sofa by my feet.

“He’s stunning even without the makeup,” Mr. Hou muttered as I heard the door shut to the area we were in. Probably Teddy leaving to go back downstairs.

“Yes, he is,” Lionel said as I fought to keep my eyes closed, fought the shiver that wanted to pass through my body, “So what are you thinking?”

“I enjoyed him earlier. Some of him. I’m wondering what the rest is like. I only put the toy in there,” Mr. Hou admitted to him.

“Oh, we’ll have fun with it,” Lionel told him, “Wake up little one.” 

He came over to me and started rubbing my legs. It was enough that I couldn’t ignore it. That I opened my eyes looking at him. So, this was…this was it. Hopefully after this he wouldn’t touch me anymore. They wouldn’t touch me anymore.

“Good evening. Did you sleep well?” he asked me to which I nodded my head, “Good, come with me.”

He held out his hand and again, I knew better than to refuse my hand sliding into his as I stood up my body screaming at me to lay back down, my legs causing me to groan in protest.

“I’ve got him,” Mr. Hou said scooping me up from behind, “That’s probably my fault anyway. I pushed on him pretty hard.”

“That’s ok he seemed like he enjoyed it when I went to go check on him. Luke said he got loud so he must have enjoyed it at least a little bit,” Lionel told him.

So, Luke had heard everything going on. I felt my face getting warm as Hou carried me setting me down on the bed. Lionel took away the blanket that I had been holding onto.

“There’s no need to be shy little one,” Lionel said looking at me as he climbed into the bed beside me, “We’re just going to make you feel good.”

He ran his hand through my hair before he started kissing my neck. Before he forced me to lay down and I felt the bed shift behind me. Mr. Hou climbing onto it behind me and starting to kiss the back of my neck. I started shaking. Closing my eyes and telling myself that this was the last of it. That I just had to do it one more time.

“There’s nothing to be scared of,” Lionel said the weight behind me shifting again, “Hou why don’t you help him out? He seems like he’s a bit weak in the knees.”

“I’d say it’s more than his knees,” Hou said behind me before he grabbed me around the waist.

“Please, L…Daddy L please,” I begged as Hou grabbed me and pulled me towards the edge of the bed.

I looked at Lionel and he just smiled. The smile traveling all the way to his eyes. A cold smile but still excited like he was having fun as he pulled open the head board. Taking the upper part of it and Hou forced me into it first my hands and then my head before Lionel slammed it down fastening it closed.

I felt them pulling at my legs saying something but my brain felt slow. Everything felt slow other than my heart pounding in my chest. I could feel them but I couldn’t see them. I couldn’t understand their words and then I felt it. Fingers poking at me, poking at my insides that were already burning.

I looked at Lionel who came around to stand in front of me, “It’s ok baby just relax. Just relax.”

He started rubbing my head running his hands through my hair in a soothing fashion. Trying to keep me calm me letting out a small whimper as I felt Hou starting to push in. My body giving up. The only thing holding me up the restraints I was strapped into. Hou moaning grunting as he pushed all the way into me.

“Tell him how bad you want it,” Lionel muttered, “Let him know how much you want to feel him.”

I knew he would hurt me if I didn’t say it. The words barely coming out because it hurt so badly, because it was so hard to breathe, “Fuck me.”

“That’s it baby. That’s it my special boy lets us know how good it feels,” he said his one hand going to my penis and starting to rub.

Every movement rocked the whole bed. It felt like an earthquake rattling the world around me, my body shaking. At some point his pace picking up each thrust feeling like it was scratching at my insides until I was whimpering and crying. Him still only for a minute as I climaxed into Lionel’s hand him probably cumming inside of me.

I thought they were done but then they traded Hou somehow managing to fit his face in-between the footboard and the actual mattress his lips going around me. Him sucking while Lionel…sodomized me. Something weird happening to my brain as he kept going, kept pushing my body further than I thought it could go until I saw stars or lights and then, nothing.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will learns more about Teddy than he ever wanted to know and ends up home, his anxiety sky high because he can't tell mum so many things believing her life is on the line as he learns about the future of his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 428 to 444. This is probably right before John's chapter 34. Things that you didn't see from his POV because he's simply not there. Mostly dialogue. **Warnings: Strong warnings. Talk of infantophilia, talk of rape/sexual abuse, mental health issues, anxiety**

I don’t know how long I was out for but when I woke up my body hurt almost so bad I couldn’t move. I was surprised no one was next to me or on top of me. That I was alone. I looked to see where I was lying. In the bed in the room that Lionel had first shown me. I was alone. I sighed in relief my body still so sore I wasn’t able to keep my eyes open.

The next time I opened my eyes there was sunlight coming in the window. I could hear the TV on and I needed to use the bathroom. I found the red robe Lionel had allowed me to wear before meeting Hou on the bedroom floor and put it on. Going out into the living area to find Luke sitting on the floor with a bowl of cereal and Saturday morning cartoons on. Him turning to look at me and waving.

“Hi Will,” he told me.

I blinked at him sleepily, “Hey, what’s up?” I asked him.

“Teddy’s going to be done downstairs soon and he said that we’d play a game together. Do you want to play life with us?” he asked me.

“Sure, I’ll play life. I have to use the bathroom though ok?” I told him.

“Are you going to shower too? I like to shower when Papa is done playing with me otherwise I feel sticky and gross,” he told me as if it was something that happened to him every day.

“Yeah, I think so,” I answered.

“You should and then you can eat pizza with me and Papa will take you home I think,” he told me.

I hoped so. If this was what it was like, a party not being on the tables I couldn’t imagine what it would be like being on them. Was this why he saw only once every two weeks because he was this hard? Because he always went this hard. I didn’t think my body could take any more of this.

I went to go shower hoping that maybe I would feel clean after it was over but all I kept hearing was my own voice saying those words over and over as him and Mr. Hou laughed and told me how much I wanted it. How I was begging them for it. The shame of thinking about it making my face turn beet red. Me feeling it, feeling everything. Everything they had done. The wet panties, the vibrator, the…all of it. I think I zoned out because next thing I knew there was knock on the door startling me.

“It’s me,” Ted said, “Can I come in? I kind of need to use the bathroom.”

“Yeah,” I called through the door.

It opened and I heard him sigh heavily, “Are you ok?” he asked as it sounded like he lifted the toilet seat.

“Yeah,” I answered him.

“You’ve been in here for like an hour. I held it as long as I could,” he told me.

“It hasn’t been that long,” I said quietly.

“Yeah, it has. Are you ok?” he asked me again.

“I don’t…I’m tired Teddy,” I told him.

“Me too,” Ted replied, “Do you need me to get you anything? Some medicine? I mean I know you’re sore. I’m sore.”

“Does he ever make you beg for it?” I asked him, “You know beg him to…”

“Yes,” Ted said, “We talked about that already remember?”

“No,” I shook my head even though he couldn’t see it, “My brain is fried.”

“You’ll be allowed to go home soon. He’s done with it. It’s just a matter of when he can find the time to spare Sergei to take you home is all,” Ted told me.

“You said Luke found this all to be normal,” I said remembering what he had said earlier and how Luke seemed to not be bothered by any of it. How he didn’t question me about it all how…, “He does it to him too?”

“He’s been doing it to us since before we can remember. I only found out when Luke was born that it was like that. He was fussy and Papa was there. Mum said he seemed hungry and she handed Luke to him and…they’re sick Will ok? They’re nasty people my mom and Papa. Grandpa too. I remember knowing at six when I saw that that it was wrong. That my whole life was wrong. I know I’m fucked up ok? Luke doesn’t understand it yet but he will. It’ll just take time,” Ted told me.

“Saw what,” I asked him.

He made a sound. A sound like he was gagging like just thinking about it whatever the memory was, was making him sick.

“He nursed him,” Ted said something about the inflexion in his voice making it sound like I was supposed to catch on to what he was talking about. My brain really moving slow before it dawned on me what he might have meant me pulling the curtain open so I could look at him.

“Are you serious?” I asked him.

“Yeah. I asked them why and she told me that’s the way she always did it. That they did that with me too up until I started getting teeth. You have no idea how disgusting it is to know that someone was using you for that since the moment you came home from the hospital. How bad that makes you feel. How it makes you wonder if it was…”

“Something you did?” I asked him, “I feel that way anyway and I don’t think my Da ever did that to me. My mum wouldn’t have allowed that.”

“You’re lucky you have a mom like that. Every time Luke cried like he was hungry and Papa was around they made him suckle on Papa’s…you know before she ever nursed him. It was disgusting. I haven’t told him, Luke. So, you can’t either. But, just knowing that they did that to me and to him it’s…it makes me sick.” Ted said whipping at his eyes, “I know it’s fucked up. I do. I know that’s why I’m fucked up. Why no one will ever love me is because of them and it makes me so angry that they would do that to him.   
Not just to me but especially to him.”

“So, he rapes Luke too?” I asked him, “Even now?”

“Since he was…you mean penetrative or…?” Ted trailed off.

“I guess yeah,” I answered.

“Since he was four. Since Luke was old enough his body could adjust to it. He’s still little enough he bleeds and mom and Papa tells him it’s normal but that he can’t tell anyone at school about it because it’s private. They tell him it’s playing.”

“Explains why he said he always takes a shower after Lionel is done playing with him,” I said.

“Yeah, he doesn’t like the way it feels. It makes him upset sometimes but Mom always encourages him to…to just do it. I always tell him it’s ok to be upset about it. To cry. I think deep down he knows it’s wrong. That normal people don’t do that but sometimes it’s hard to tell,” Ted told me.

“And he did that to you too?” I asked him.

“Until I got too old yeah,” he said, “I mean sometimes he had a boy when I was younger. Obviously but, he still sometimes…”

“I’m sorry,” I said, “I’m really sorry he did that you. To both of you.”

“It’s not your fault and there’s nothing you can do about it. Don’t even mention it to Papa though. He’ll be mad I told you. Really mad. When he gets mad it’s not good,” Ted mumbled.

“Yeah, I got that,” I said nodding my head, “I tried to turn away when he tried to kiss me and he slapped me. Told me it was a warning. That’s not the first time he’s hurt me though. One time he dug his finger nails into the back of my neck. He reminds me of my Uncle a little bit.”

“I’ve never been with your Uncle but I’ve heard he’s worse. Papa will warn you. I’ve heard that your Uncle hardly ever warns anyone. That he just does it. And he makes sure it hurts,” Ted told me.

That was true. Uncle Ben hadn’t warned me when he had almost choked me on his cock nor when he had thrown me into the wall so hard it cracked my skull. There had been no warning what so ever any time he got violent. Especially not when he had spanked me bloody and then taken pictures of it.

“I’m so tired and my legs are killing me,” I muttered more to myself than Ted.

“Yeah,” Ted nodding his head, “My legs don’t feel fantastic either. I’m going to go before I get in trouble. I’ve been in here long enough to take the biggest shit in the world. So, I should go before he thinks we’re doing something other than talking.”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “I’ll be out in a little bit.”

“Yeah,” Ted said nodding his head as he opened the door and then shut it behind him.

I finally felt comfortable enough to leave when my fingers were wrinkled. Finally feeling like I might be ok, might be safe when I climbed out to find Ted and Luke sitting there watching TV.

“So, Will’s going to come visit us again next week?” Luke asked Ted quietly.

“Not next week bud but probably the week after that,” he said.

“So not one Friday but two Fridays?” Luke asked him as I cleared my throat both of them turning to look at me, “Teddy says you’re going to be our new friend.”

“Do you want me to be your friend?” I asked Luke.

“Yeah,” Luke said, “People think I’m weird so I don’t have lots of friends. I’d like to have another friend.”

“I’d like to be your friend too. So, are we playing life now?” I asked getting ready to sit down as Lionel came in Sergei standing back on the other side of the door way.

“Come here little one,” Lionel said looking at me as I stood up, “There you are. Your clothes are downstairs in the limo. I replaced your shirt. Sergei is going to take you home now ok?” Can I say good bye?”

He started rubbing my lower jaw. I knew what that meant. He wanted to kiss me. His grandsons were right there and he wanted to kiss me. Teddy muttering something I couldn’t hear to Luke causing Luke to turn away as Teddy did the same.

I felt my face still get warm, just knowing they were there. That they could see it if they bothered to look. Me wanting to shake my head no but knowing better. Sighing before I leaned up slightly wrapping my arms around his neck and letting him kiss me, his tongue rolling across mine as he leaned down before he broke away.

“I’ll see you not next week but, the week after,” he told me, “All right my little one?”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head.

“I love you,” he told me giving me a small smile.

I knew he was expecting me to say. I was so used to saying it to Da and Uncle Ben it almost didn’t matter. Me just blurting it out so that he would let me go, let me leave and go home, “I love you too.”

With that he put his hands on my shoulders and lead me to the door, to Sergei who was standing there waiting for me. I got to wear my robe all the way to the car Sergei smiling at me once he opened the back door.

“Off,” he said holding out his hands for it.

My heart stilled. He wasn’t…he wasn’t he couldn’t. I felt sick to my stomach clinging to it. Clinging to the only thing that was keeping him from seeing me naked.

“I won’t hurt you. Not…I can’t do that. I need the robe though that stays here,” he said as I sighed moving slowly to take it off and hand it to him, his eyes going big as his smile grew when I took it off.

I quickly turned around finding my clothes what was left of them neatly folded in a pile next to a new shirt. Plain white like the one I had been wearing before. Me quickly pulling on my clothes as Sergei shut the limo door behind me and got into the driver’s seat pulling out of the garage as it opened.

He didn’t speak to me on the drive home instead keeping the divider up. He didn’t put the bag over my head and that surprised me. Me figuring it he had probably forgotten about it. Probably because most people were passed out by the time they got anywhere close to him and if that’s why he had forgotten he was right. The silence and movement of the car lulling me back to sleep in probably around 20 minutes or so me not waking up again until the car stopped and Sergei came around opening the door for me. Me stepping out and placing my feet on the pavement of my own drive way.

I was home and I couldn’t tell mum about anything that had happened. I had to pretend that I was ok. Be happy. Be relaxed. He didn’t wait to see if I went inside or not shutting the door and taking off leaving me standing there. Feeling numb and stupid. When I walked in the door no one was there. No one was around.

I didn’t want to go upstairs yet. I didn’t want them to see me cry. So, I went to the pool house and used that bathroom to shower, turning on the water as hot as I could while I screamed. Just out right screamed earth-shattering sobs racking my body as I sat on the cold tile floor. Letting myself scream it out because I knew no one could help me. Not mum, not John. No one.

I knew I was completely and utterly alone. That I couldn’t tell a soul other than Teddy who already knew. Who had told me how sorry he was and told me about his life. About things he had probably never dared to tell anyone else.

About poor Luke. I thought about the girl who had dressed me up, Shoonji and how they had her little brother. How they were probably hurting him like they had hurt Luke and James. Like they had hurt all of us and that made me cry more. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. Me climbing out and putting my clothes back on.

I didn’t feel any better. Just even more tired. The sun now setting as I made my way to the lift and back upstairs. When I got up there mum smiled at me her face falling as she looked at me.

“Why is your hair wet love?” she asked me.

“I went swimming,” I mumbled, lying to her.

Lying because lying was better than the truth. Then her knowing I had felt so dirty and gross that I had showered before I left the Villa and then again, the moment I got home. Using the downstairs bathroom instead of coming upstairs so that I could scream and feel sorry for myself and what they had made me do in a place where no one could hear me. Where no one had to worry about me.

“You could have drowned or something. I know you’re a strong swimmer but, you know better than that,” she told me hugging me, “What’s going on with you lately?”

“Nothing mum. I’m fine,” I lied again.

I was so tired. So tired of all the lying and the grossness. Tired of all of it. 

“We’ll talk about it later,” she said giving me a knowing look, “Did you have fun with your friend Ted?”

It took me a minute. My brain almost freaking out that she knew I had been with Ted before I remembered the lie Da had fed her. That Lionel was going to take Ted and I to the office and then somewhere else. That we were going to spend Friday doing that instead of going to school and then I was going to spend the night at his house. Which was why I was coming home on a Saturday afternoon instead of a Friday. Coming home from the Villa instead of school.

That’s why she wasn’t scared or concerned because she thought I was fine. That everything had been fine and I had just spent the night at my friend’s house. That nothing bad had happened to me. She didn’t know anything about it and if I wanted her to stay alive I had to keep it that way.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head forcing a smile, “Mum I’m really tired so I’m going to go take a nap ok?”

“That’s fine. Even Cat is napping right now. I’m making cheesy chicken casserole for dinner so you don’t have to worry about that either. I’ll get some cleaning done. I think Mike, Matt and James are playing video games.”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head walking past the living room.

I didn’t care. I was too tired and too sore to care. Me going straight to my room and shutting the door. I turned around flopping onto my bed stomach down when I heard my door open.

“James not now,” I moaned.

“What’s wrong?” he asked me.

“I don’t feel good,” I told him.

“Why?” he asked me.

“Because I just don’t ok James? Jay seriously just go away,” I told him.

“Is this like when John yelled at us? You’re not really mad at me but just mad?” he asked me.

The sound of his voice making my heart break. The idea that he thought maybe I was mad at him when he hadn’t done anything. I nodded my head into my pillow.

“It’s ok to be mad,” he told me.

“I had a bad day ok?” I admitted to him.

“Because of the bad man? He’s related to Luke you know?” he asked me.

I started crying again him climbing up on the bed next to me and snuggling against me, “I don’t like him either it’s ok Willy. I promise it’s ok.”

He rubbed my back while I cried. Trying to comfort me. Him being there helping me. Reminding me that I was lucky because it meant it wasn’t him. It could have very easily been him but Lionel had chosen me instead. That I should be grateful for that. Grateful that it wasn’t him or Mike or Matt or anyone else.

That at least I had done that right. Protected them. Done what I could to make sure they were safe. Him laying down next to me as I quit crying again turning over and looking at him. He smiled sadly at me, “See? It’s ok now because we’re together.” He told me.

“You’re right,” I sighed, “Thank you.”

“Are you ok now?” he said me.

“Yeah, I’m ok now,” I told him pulling him down next to me and kissing his cheek, “I love you Jay. I’m sorry I got mad.”

“It’s ok. Like you said it’s not really mad at me but at everything. I forgive you,” he told me.

Mum tapped on my cracked door, “Bud what are you doing in here? Will said he was tired.”

“It’s ok mum,” I said.

“Listen bud why don’t you go play with Matt and Mike?” Mum said coming over.

“They’re boring all they want to do is play the game where they hit old people or kill the one guy,” he muttered.

“Well tell them they need to do something else with you for a little while ok? I have to talk to Will for a minute alone,” Mum said.

“Ok,” James said nodding his head, “I love you Willy.” He said before he kissed my cheek getting up off the bed and walking away shutting the door behind him as mum sat down in my desk chair.

“Love what’s going on? Does this have to do with where John is?” she asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders. Yeah it kind of did but not just because of John. I had been there too. She just didn’t know that and I couldn’t tell her that. John didn’t even know Mum knew where he was. What was happening to him.

“It’s ok to be upset. However, there is something I haven’t talked to you about. Cole, said he would help us leave. He’s been transferring money a little bit at a time. I’ve been pulling out a little bit more money for groceries and what not than needed. You won’t tell Da I know you won’t. But by the end of two weeks we’re going to be out of here ok?” She told me.

“Mum that’s a really ba…”

She cut me off, “I know why you think that but, we need to get out of here. We need to get you boys somewhere safe and your baby brothers and sisters so I’m going to do what I have to in order to make that happen. Last time I rushed it. I didn’t wait for Vic and he set up a faster escape and he told me it was a bad idea. That it takes real planning to move us because we’re not just a woman with one or two kids but a big family with a lot of kids. That was my mistake and I won’t make it again. It’s already set up.”

“Why are you telling me?” I told her.

“Because I’m going to need you to help make sure the little ones are ready. Now I have some stuff already ready to go but, you and your brothers and sisters can each take one thing that’s important to you guys. Everything else gets left behind ok? I’m taking one photo album with baby pictures of all of you and school pictures and that’s it. That’s my one thing. I got Cat a Barbie travel case that fits up to 10 Barbie’s in some outfits and I already have her using it. That doesn’t mean when we’re ready to go the Barbie’s will be in it however. I’m sure Hugh is going to be Jay’s. Mike and Matt, I don’t even know…”

“Matt would want to take the play station if you let him,” I said.

“He can’t,” she told me.

“He still sleeps with his baby blanket. He wraps it around his head. It doesn’t matter what room he’s sleeping in,” I told her.

“Then that will probably be his. I know Mike still sleeps with his too,” she told me.

“He sleeps with Bobo more often,” I told her.

Bobo was a stuffed Elephant that he slept with. Each of us had a teddy bear or something that we kept nearby. I even still had Bennington. I mean most of the time he ended up on the floor but, I still depended on him for comfort.

“Then Bobo it is I guess. The babies are getting their blankets and Mr. and Mrs. Bunbun. That’s that then I guess,” she mumbled more to herself then to me.

“Why do you need my help with this?” I asked her.

“To make sure those things make it in the car on the night we leave,” she told me.

“We’re leaving at night?” I asked frowning.

Now that would be hard. At least I thought it would be hard. After the sunset was when they did most of the hurting. Sure, Da was in New York so it was less but Uncle Ben was still around. Even if he hadn’t been around that week he was still around.

“Yes, Dr. Palmer said that was mistake I made last time. Everything has to seem completely normal up until the very last second. When I came and got you guys from school he said I tipped someone off. Shortly after that John told me people at school are into this thing your Da is into. The same cult or whatever it is. Whatever you want to call it. They probably called him the moment I pulled you all from school which is why they were able to catch up to us so fast. If we leave at night no one will know until the morning that we’re gone. Instead of being three or five hours away when they realize we’re gone we’ll be more like 10 or 12 hours away. We’ll have a different van and we’ll be maybe two states over instead of right on the boarder,” she told me.

“What about Uncle Ben?” I asked her.

“I have a feeling your Uncle Ben goes, leaves the house at night sometimes after everyone is asleep,” she told me.

“Sometimes maybe. Not that often,” I told her.

“No, he does. I check sometimes at night and he’s…” I cut her off.

“He’s with me mum. The last couple nights you probably checked he was probably with me. He hasn’t touched me really since last week but…” I trailed off.

“The pantry?” she asked me to which I nodded my head, “I’ll start locking it at night again. Your Da took the lock away but I can go out Sunday after church and get a new one. He won’t be coming up here anymore.”

“What if he doesn’t leave the house at night?” I asked her.

“I’m sure he Will. Vic, Dr. Palmer said there’s a lot going on lately and your Uncle apparently works for someone very important in this cult. So, I’m sure there will be a night where he’s not here. I just need you to make sure everyone’s one thing gets in the car. Mine is already in there and it’s staying in there. I have two diaper bags in there and those are staying in there. I have one duffle bag that has three outfits for each of you guys and that’s in the van too. I just need you to make sure those things get in the van the night we leave ok?” she told me.

“Ok mum,” I told her, “What about when Da comes looking for us?”

“There’s people that will help us hide for as long as we need to. They’ll give us a different last name. Give us a way to allow you boys to go to school and the babies to day care. They’ll even set us up with a place to live. So, don’t you worry about any of that ok? That’s for me to worry about,” she told me.

I sighed. I wanted to tell her but I knew I couldn’t. That it wouldn’t just be Da looking for us but everyone. Lionel. Lionel would be looking for us, for me. And Lionel and Da had enough money they could look in every corner, in every country until they found us. That we were 12 people and there was no way we could just disappear. That it would be stupid to think that was possible. If I told her though I knew she’d have questions as to why I hadn’t told her before and not only that I would be risking her life. Risking everyone and everything. I couldn’t do that. I knew I couldn’t.

“Should I tell my friends I might be leaving?” I asked her.

“No,” she said shaking her head vigorously, “No one can know. The less people that know the better. I think John has told Pat and Cole knows because he’s helping us leave but that’s it. No one else ok love?”

I nodded my head, “I understand.”

“Good. I don’t know what happened today that has you so upset but just be thankful Lionel took away because I’m sure that if he hadn’t they might have snatched you up to and done god knows what to you. Like they’re doing to him right now,” she said her voice cracking as she put her hand over her mouth, “And he didn’t even tell me. I asked him and he didn’t. Why? Why? How can he do that? Know they’re making him do that and then…”

“To protect you, us,” I told her, “It’s scary mum but, Da and Uncle Ben would hurt you if you ever got in the way. You know they would.”

“No,” Mum said shaking her head, “What they do to him is worse. I know how that feels I know it’s worse. He shouldn’t be protecting me. I should be protecting him.”

“Mum he would hurt you so bad. Mum you just got better. You can’t do that. You can’t,” I said shaking my head.

“I don’t care. He’s not here right now,” she told me, “He’s not here because I couldn’t stop them. So, it will never happen again. Because we’re getting out of here.”

“What if they find us?” I asked her.

“They won’t. These people will make sure they don’t,” she told me.

“But mum what…”

“Will you have to have faith. We’re going to get out of here and none of them will ever find us. You have to believe that. Just like I believe it ok? It’ll be hard but we can do it. It’ll be ok. I promise,” she said to me reaching out and taking my hand squeezing it, “They aren’t invincible. We’re going to get out of here with all the evidence we have and we’re going to go somewhere safe. Once we’ve been away for long enough, once we know for sure we’re safe we’re going to go into a police station and you, John and I are going to tell them everything. Then it will all be over ok?”

I looked at her. How desperate and sad her eyes were. Knowing that she needed me to believe her. That she needed me to trust her. I wanted to. I did I wanted to trust her it was just hard. Hard to believe we would ever manage to get away but I smiled at her, “Ok mum. I believe you.”

“Good. I’ll take care of all of it don’t worry about a thing besides making sure those things get into the car on the night we leave. Once we get in the van we’re not coming back so that’s your job. No one is coming back into this house once we’re in that van. Not ever,” she told me.

“Ok mum,” I said nodding my head.

“Thank you love, for believing in me,” she said kissing my forehead, “How about you come eat some food?”

“Ok,” I agreed nodding my head.

We walked down the hallway towards the kitchen.

“Andy don’t throw that at me, no,” I heard Matt say calmly before there was a slight giggle, “Yeah I know so funny.”

When we got there, we saw there was rice and chicken scattered all over the floor.

“Matty love? Why didn’t you wait?” Mum said.

“Because he was whining at me. He said he wanted it mum he said…”

“More,” Andy said and then giggled.

“That’s right love,” Mum sighed, “I’ll give you more but you have to eat it. Don’t throw it at your brother.”

I sighed sitting down. Even when he was being sweet to Andy I worried. That scene flashing in my brain those words playing in his voice. How his eyes had been cold as he had smiled at me, “Don’t worry I just want to make him feel good.” It sending a cold shiver down my spine. Reminding me of what he really was no matter how good he seemed to be at the moment. That inside that little boy was the heart of a monster just as dangerous as Da if not more so.

“Are we going to watch a movie tonight?” James asked quietly.

“Well Dinner is late but we do have to be up for church in the morning,” Mum said.

“Is John coming home tomorrow?” Cat asked, “I wanted to play with him but he’s not back yet.”

“Yes, love but I think John will be very tired tomorrow,” Mum told her, “So we’re going to let John rest.”

“Where is John again mum?” Matty asked.

“He’s away,” Mum said after making a sound in the back of her throat, “Nothing you need to worry about love.”

“Where though?” Matt asked her again.

“Not now Matt,” I said shaking my head.

“What where…?” he trailed off Mike shooting him a look.

I sighed heavily before taking a bite of food. Relieved that he had shut up. That somehow Mike had got him to stop asking where John was. At least I didn’t have to listen to him ask until I cracked. Until I blurted out John was being raped by whoever wanted him in that moment. At least dinner was peaceful other than laughing babies and mum scolding Andy for throwing more food around finally taking his plate out of his reach and feeding him a forkful at a time. I looked at Laura and she smiled at me putting her hand into her food and smiling at me as she chewed a handful of rice and chicken. She was actually a very neat eater for a 2-year-old. That’s Lar for you though. Always neat and tidy only a little bit of cheese on her cheek as she smiled at me.

“How are you doing?” I asked her.

“Good,” she told me as I nodded my head.

“That’s good. Are you tired?” I asked her to which she shook her head smiling, “You like the food?”

She nodded her head, “I’s eats chickens.”

“Yes, it is chicken. You like chicken?” I asked her.

“Yes. I’s eats chickens,” she mumbled taking another fistful and putting it in her mouth smiling again as she chewed.

She was more verbal then Andy but only slightly. Most of what she said was still undecipherable babble. However, she was just a little over the age of two. It would only be a couple of months before they both started really talking. I looked at them really hoping Da hadn’t done anything to them yet. That he would never get the chance to my brain flashing to what Teddy had told me about him and Luke. What he had made me say I would never tell anyone else.

I was thankful my mum wasn’t like that. That she loved us, really loved us. It was scary to think that it wasn’t only men that were like that. Out there abusing kids. Because their mum handing them over like that for Lionel to do that was almost worse in my opinion. Not just knowing it was happening and not doing anything about it but, actually giving them to him in order to abuse them. The idea of it made me beyond sick.

I was so glad my mum wasn’t like that. That she protected us, fought for us. That she even had threatened uncle Ben with a knife for me. Because she truly loved us. We weren’t things for her to mold in her image, to become what she wanted us to be. She viewed us as our own people. People she was supposed to protect and nurture to the best of her ability. That we weren’t hers but ours. That we belonged only to us but we were hers to protect to make sure we went into the world being the best people we could be. My mother’s love was true love, was unconditional love. I didn’t know that then. Thinking she wouldn’t accept who I was but, she did more than accept me, she defended me and protected me. She loved me.

I saw that in her as she fed Andy laughing at him but scolding him at the same time calling him a silly boy as she fed him his food. As she helped Laura out of her own highchair and asked me to get a baby wipe. Me cleaning Laura’s face off and then mum sighing, “I think someone needs a bath.”

“She’s not that dirty mum,” I said thinking she meant Laura.

“No, I meant Andy. Him and Mac need baths,” she said, “You want to get Laura and the babies settled in for me?” she asked me.

“Yea, no problem,” I said.

I pulled Laura from her chair setting her down on the floor, her following me like a duckling follows its mother as I went over to the living room and picked up Mary who was already asleep. It was a peaceful night at that point. Me changing them and making sure they were down in their cribs before I looked at Laura holding my arms out to her.

“Want to rock?” I asked her which she smiled grabbing my legs trying to climb up into my lap, “I’ll take that as a yes?”

“Yes,” she said nodding her head before she mumbled a bunch of babble at me snuggling into my lap.

“Are you my sissy?” I asked her quietly.

“Best sissy,” she said sticking her thumb in her mouth and smiling at me.

“One of the best. Yes, I agree,” I said kissing her head, “I’ll keep you safe forever ok?”

When I said it I meant it. I wanted to do everything to keep her safe forever. To keep Da from hurting her and mum was right, the best way for us to do that would be for us to leave. To make sure Da never touched any of them. In that moment I decided to believe mum while rocking my baby sister to sleep as she snuggled into me sucking her thumb. My baby. One of my babies. I rocked her mum coming in carrying after about 20 minutes carrying Mac who seemed annoyed at the fact while Andy held her hand. She smiled at us leaning down and kissing Laura’s forehead before she put Mac in his crib.

“Come on Laura love can you let Andy rock with Willy?” she asked Laura.

Laura nodded her head holding out her free arm to mum who picked her up as I grabbed Andy pulling him into my lap. I sighed realizing how sore I was as he sat down, putting his hand in my lap as he settled in his body weight hitting my pelvis and making me hiss in pain.

“Will love?” Mum asked me frowning.

I felt my face heat up, “It’s nothing mum. I’m fine.”

“I know that hiss. Are you hurt?” she asked me.

“My legs are sore,” I answered. Covering for the fact that he had probably hit a bruise on my thigh or something under my clothes.

When someone hurts you like that they tend to be rough. Almost always leave bruises. Even if they don’t mean to they tend to squeeze and tug and pull. Your hips and thighs always end up bruised black and yellow and purple. Usually your butt too, sometimes your lower back or your shoulders. It just depends on how they hold you down, what they do to you.

“Growing pains you think?” Mum asked me to which I nodded my head.

“Probably,” I lied.

It was easier to tell her that then the truth. That Lionel had raped me and let someone else do the same. Safe then the truth.

“I’ll get you some Motrin, it’ll help,” she said going back into the bathroom and bringing me back two pills and a glass of water. Me taking it as she nodded at me, “You want to stay here and I’ll clean up the kitchen? Just for now?” she asked me.

“Yeah, no problem,” I said smiling at her as she kissed Andy on the forehead and then me, shutting the door behind her.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John returns home after the party reuniting with his family at church on Sunday morning. Cole and Will bond, talking about the future while mum let's Will know she is paying attention that she knows there's more going on then he is saying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 444 to 470 **John Pov part 1 chapter 34.** Yes, this is the last chapter of John's part one which means you're moving closer to seeing some of the stuff that happened in Montana that John skipped over. So will be exciting. Not too many warnings here but still the average **warnings: talk of rape/non-con, mental health issues, self esteem issues, anxiety, depression, anger, PTSD, breakdown**

It didn’t take long for him to settle in. Falling asleep as I rocked him. I got up and slowly put him into his crib making sure everyone was settled in for the night before I got up going to my own room. I showered again, wanting to be as clean as possible before going to bed. Not wanting to feel that anymore. It had a way of staying on your skin after a while, John had been right. Every time my mind stilled it going back to that place. Back the Hou and Lionel and what they had made me do.

When I looked at the clock it was 11pm as I climbed out of the shower and started getting dressed. It had been a long day. A very long day. Someone knocked lightly on my door a slight tap me groaning because I figured it was James up from a nightmare and I was tired and just wanted to sleep on my own me going over to the door and pulling it open shirtless to tell him to go away only to find mum.

“Love can I talk to you about something?” she asked me quietly.

“We talked earlier remember?” I pointed out.

“No, I wanted to talk about something else,” She frowned at me, “Did you take a shower?”

“Yes,” I said wrapping my arms around my naked chest, “Why?”

“I know you know better than to swim alone. So, I think you’re lying to me about something. I want you to be honest with me ok? What happened at your sleep over?” she asked me quietly.

My stomach dropped how could she know and still let me go with him if that was the case? How could she do that to me, make me do that. I shook my head, “I’m not lying mum. I stayed up late and talked. We watched movies, played video games. That’s all that happened. I swear that’s all that happened.”

“Then how come your gait is a little off like maybe you’re sore? How come you hissed in pain when Andy flopped down in your lap?” she asked me sitting down as I heard her gasp sharply when she looked at my back.

I knew I was caught. That she had probably seen some bruises on my back or something. Me sighing deeply trying to keep myself calm trying to tell myself that it wouldn’t be that hard to lie. However, I felt like it was getting harder and harder but I knew she would die, was convinced Lionel would kill her if she ever knew.

“Love what happened? Who did this?” she asked me coming up behind me her hand touching my back making me aware of the scratches on my shoulder blades. Until she touched it I had just thought they were a little itchy but I could feel her hand gently touching the little scabs there.

“Mum it does…”

“Was it your uncle? Did he get to you before Lionel could pick you up?” she asked me.

I sighed nodding my head. It was easier to blame him then tell her the truth. Safer. I had told John it was uncle Ben so why not let mum think that too? Why not just let mum believe that was the case to save us all? It was the only way I could make sure he never did it to James. To make sure he never did it to anyone else. 

“What did he do to you love?” she asked me before she came around so she was facing me.

“Mum I don’t…”

“I know you don’t,” she said softy, “John doesn’t talk about it. It’ll hurt you so much worse if you don’t talk about it. Trust me.”

“You know what he does,” I said shaking my head, “You know.”

“Love it’s not the same. You need to talk to someone. You know you do. And whatever this is, it isn’t what you think. It isn’t sex ok? It’s…”

“Rape I know. Because I don’t want to… it hurts mum ok? Even when it doesn’t hurt it makes my body so sore that I can’t… it hurts mum ok?” I told her, “It hurts so bad all the time and I don’t…”

I felt my voice breaking. I knew I was going to start crying thinking about it. About him, his tongue on me, his mouth on me. Everything he had done.

“Shhh…it’s ok love. It’s ok,” she said hugging me, “My poor boys. My poor William. It’s ok love. I’m right here. I promise I’m right here.”

“I don’t want to anymore,” I howled, “I don’t want to anymore.”

“I know love,” she said taking us over to the bed and laying with me, “I know.”

She hugged me holding me to her chest and running her hands through my hair. It felt safe. Me closing my eyes her scent making me calm down, the sound of her heart. It wasn’t like them. It was safe. It was ok. This wasn’t a trick. She wanted me to be better. To feel better. 

Unlike Lionel who had done something similar while Hou was raping me, it being a trick when he did it. Him only wanting me to calm down so that him and Hou could rape me without me screaming. So that I would relax to make it easier for them.  
She hugged me while I cried telling me over and over that she was going to make sure we went somewhere that he could never hurt me again. Somewhere I would be safe. Me falling asleep after a while. When I woke up she was shaking me awake and she looked tired. Mum usually looked tired. Telling me to get ready for church and helping everyone else get ready her muttering something about not letting John know she knew. Not until we got home.

We got the babies ready and got everyone into the care by 9:20. Service started at 10:30. It made sense to me. And mum always started getting us ready around 7am to make sure everyone was ready to go before service started the drive only taking 20 minutes or so to get to school and the church. When we got there, I helped her get everyone into child care that was going there and grabbed James’ and Catty’s hands and went to go find us seats. Someone tapping my shoulder causing me to jump before I turned around.

“Sorry, I was…are you ok?” Finn asked me.

“Yes, I’m all right,” I said, “This is Catherine and James.”

“Hi,” Finn said, “I’m Finn. I’m a friend of Will’s.”

“Hi,” Catty said, “Do you have a sister?”

“No,” he said shaking his head, “I have an older brother. Speaking of could we…?” Finn sighed trailing off.

“Could you what?” James asked me.

“He wants to ask me about something alone,” I said, “You guys see that pew over there? Why don’t you go sit down and wait for mum?”

“But what if…?” James started asking me looking around nervously.

Ever since Lionel he had been really nervous. Especially around crowds with adult men. There were a lot of adult men there. A lot of them were probably brotherhood. I understood his fear. I did. But apparently Finn had something to say to me that he didn’t want to say in front of them.

“Bud, nothing is going to happen here ok? I’ll be able to see you. I’ll be right here. If someone approaches you two you come over here ok?” I told him.

“You swear?” he asked me quietly.

“I swear,” I told him, “Now go with Cat and sit down I’ll be right here. Ok?”

“Ok, come on Catty,” she said taking Cat’s hand and walking over to the pew I had pointed at sitting down.

“What about him?”

“What?” Finn asked me.

“You were saying something about Wallace?” I questioned.

“You need to stay away from him,” Finn said, “This weekend in the holding room all he could talk about was wanting to see you na…”

“I figured. The way he looked at me and the stuff he said. Tell me something I don’t know,” I said to him, “I’m not trying to be short. I know you had a long weekend too but, I have kids I have to keep an eye on. One of them that has severe separation anxiety so…,” I trailed off.

“He heard that you…well, and he wants to talk to the leader about it and my Dad. Spencer and Chad gave him the idea. They said it might not work because trackers can only engage if there’s a five-year age difference and both parties are older than 11 so…but, it’s something to keep an eye on. You’ll be 11 in what a month?”

“Just about. But isn’t he 16?” he asked me.

“Yeah but because it’s the leader he can change that if he wants. Usually it’s because their exposure is limited and trackers are inexperienced. But if you’ve been …he could wave that rule if he wants to give Wallace the chance. So, watch out ok? Don’t be alone anywhere at school. Don’t walk the hallways alone, just don’t be alone ok? Not ever. He can be an asshole if he gets you alone,” Finn warned me.

“At my branding it was one of the trackers in the room. One guy kept saying something about how he usually wasn’t allowed to …with my age group because he has a hands problem.”

“Yeah,” Finn said looking around, “He does tend to have a… hi guys,” Finn said causing me to turn and look.

It was James and Cat. James pale squeezing Cat’s hand as Cat sighed, “Someone asked if they could sit with us. James said we should come get you.”

I looked over to see someone that I thought I knew but wasn’t sure staring at him as he looked forwards towards the pulpit his back to us. Him turning to the side I recognized the slope of his nose, the color of his eyes that seemed even more gold in the sunlight streaming through the windows. It was one of the guys from my marking. One of the guys who had.

“You did good guys, come here,” I said holding out my hands to them which they both took, “Good job ok?”

“What’s up?” Finn asked me and I shook my head Finn looking to see who it was, “Oh.” He said simply, “Hey you guys want to sit with me?”

“That’d be good I think,” I said nodding my head.

He was probably reading the look on my face. For all I knew he knew who Josh was, that he was brotherhood. Probably figured he had been scoping James or even Catherine as far as I knew.

“Ok why don’t we go find a seat?” Finn said as we started to walk away to an empty pew me hearing John’s voice mumble a small “maybe” causing me to turn around.

Other than looking he tired he seemed like he was ok. Like everything was fine me exhaling deeply before I let go of their hands going over to him. I wanted to throw my arms around his shoulders. To be happy he was there, that he was safe. Pat standing next to him their sides pressed together making me glance around nervously thinking about how they were going to end up getting caught. That people didn’t usually stand that close together.

“Where have you been?” I asked remembering mum told me to lie, not to let him know we already knew where he had been, “Mum has been freaking out all weekend. No calls from anyone. She even wanted to call the cops. However, she was pretty sure they would say you just ran away.”

Pat moved so he was standing behind John still really close sighing at me, “He’s ok. He was with us.”

I frowned at him shaking my head hoping he would get the hint. That if he wasn’t careful they would get into trouble, “With you guys? Mum is going to murder him once she sees him.”

“I was with Da,” John muttered through clenched teeth.

Da? Da was there? I couldn’t remember if the emails said he was supposed to be there or not. Did something happen that I couldn’t remember?

“You went to New York?” I asked frowning at him.

“No…,” John said drawing out the word as he looked around before he grabbed me moving us towards a wall before Cole grabbed his elbow gently shaking his head.

“Come on guys. Let’s go to the bathroom,” Cole said and Pat nodded his head in agreement.

The idea made me nervous because I was leaving Cat and James alone. I mean I knew Matt and Mike were around somewhere but they were probably talking to friends and mum wasn’t back. I wasn’t sure I wanted to leave them alone especially with so many brotherhood in the room but before I could protect Cole put his hand on my shoulder nodding at me encouragingly.

I followed them down the hallway to the bathroom Cole shutting the door behind me as we all got inside. Me sighing before I walked up to each of the stalls putting my hand on the doors so they would swing open to make sure no one was in there with us. That we were alone.

I looked at John, at his face. He seemed beyond nervous. Like he was afraid he was going to get in trouble. Like he knew it wasn’t something that I knew. Leaving me to voice the questions I had.

“So, if you weren’t in New York but you with Da…Da was here? And he didn’t tell mum he was coming?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” John said nodding his head slowly, “You remember getting your brand?”

Of course, I fucking remembered. Who could ever forget that shit? Not only that but I had just spent my Friday and some of my Saturday there. Being raped. Just like he had.

“So that’s what everyone was in a tizzy about last week. I kept hearing about a party and no one seemed happy about it,” I muttered.

I had already known that’s why everyone was treating me like dirt. Because they had all thought because I was out of the age bracket I wouldn’t be there and as far as any of them knew I wasn’t. I hadn’t been. The only one’s aware that I was there at all being Teddy and Finn. You could count Luke as well but Luke also “wasn’t there”. So, that was that.

John sighed nodding his head, “Yeah. Look if he didn’t tell mum there is probably a reason so just tell her I was with uncle Ben because he was there too. So, it’s whatever?”

“So, you had a bad weekend?” I asked him folding my arms in front of me.

Was he going to ask me how my weekend had been? If I was ok? If something had happened to me. I sighed thinking about it putting my arms down at my sides. Probably not. He probably didn’t care or thought my weekend had been perfectly normal. The normal boring stuff helping mum with everyone else. Make sure everyone was safe.

I noticed Pat shift his weight from one leg to the other. Something about him tense. Like he wasn’t exactly happy. Like he wanted to bite my head off. He’d done that once or twice for just asking the wrong question at the wrong time. I understood why the way I had reacted would make him upset but, it wasn’t because I didn’t feel bad for John. I more than felt bad for John but, it was because I wanted John to care about me. To ask me how I was. However, they were both so wrapped up in their own abuse they couldn’t see what was happening to me.

John sighed grabbing Pat’s hand and squeezing it gently. I was tired. And Pat did have a point. They had been through a lot just like I had. Me nodding my head to their silence, “We’ll talk about it later ok? We should go sit for mass.”

I opened the door walking out. Not waiting for them. Hoping that Finn hadn’t left Cat and James alone. That he had been kind enough to keep an eye on them.

Cole smiled a sad smile at me, “Come on. Just give them a second. They’ll be right behind us. Let’s go get seats.”

Cole shut the door behind us me sighing stopping and turning to look at him.

“What?” he asked me.

“Was Da really there?” I asked him.

“Yeah. He …this isn’t the right time Will ok? We should just go to service. Don’t worry about it ok?” Cole told me.

“Cole what did he do to John?” I asked him.

“It’s what he did to everyone ok? He sponsored me. He spent a lot of time with me that I don’t care to go…”

“I was there. Why didn’t he come see me if I was there?”

“The fuck?” Cole muttered shaking his head at me, “I didn’t see you at all. It was supposed to be like 12 and up. You aren’t even 11. You weren’t there.”

“I was. I was upstairs,” I said looking at my feet.

“No,” Cole shook his head, “You weren’t there. Tell me you weren’t Will.”

“I met Mr. Hou,” I said nearly choking on his name, “He-he made me…put make-…”

Cole slammed his hand over my mouth, “Don’t talk about that. Just don’t. I believe you ok? I believe you were there if you know that. But why? Why were you there?”

“He wanted me to be,” I answered through his hand shrugging my shoulders.

“It was just them? No one else?” Cole asked me his eyes going wide as he dropped his hand from my mouth, “Are you ok? Are you bleeding? Do you need to…can I do anything? You should be sitting down. Shit fuck!” he swore probably a little more loudly than he had meant to one of the fathers standing in the back of the chapel frowning at him as he smiled sheepishly and waved.

“I’m ok,” I lied, “It was just them.”

“You swear,” he said grabbing me kind of hard by the shoulder and shoving me into the nearest pew, “You swear?”

I nodded my head. I knew it was important to be ok. Especially the way he was looking at me, his whole face contorted with worry as Head Master Watson started speaking, started the first sermon of service.

“As everyone knows, our older members of our parish. The president of the united states, the leader of our country has created grave sins for which he is about to go on trial. I think of those sins and think of our lord and savior Jesus Christ and of his father. Our holy father and what he says about forgiveness. His spoke through Jesus to the people of the mount. Telling them to forgive their enemies. For once they forgive those who do them wrong they too shall be forgiven.

God has asked this of us many times and yet all I see around us is judgment. Judgement for perceived wrongs, for wrong people dare not speak about. Wrongs against our families, ourselves. Wrongs against no one that we even know. However, God knows all. He sees all and he asks this of us. Judge not lest he be judged. For if you forgive others the wrong they have done to you, your father in heaven will also forgive you. But, if you do not forgive others then your father will not forgive the wrong you have done, Mathew: 6.14:15.”

After that I kind of tuned out. He was talking about forgiveness because of the president of the united states and something he did? What about the people in his own school? In his own Parrish. What about the things they were doing? That he himself was doing? What about the things he had done to me? That hypocrite. I sat there tuning him out. Not bothering to listen. I understood what he meant. That anger and hate ate at you. Ate at your soul but, I wasn’t ready to forgive him. I wasn’t ready to forgive any of them.

I hoped he felt it. Felt the hate so many people, boys in that room probably harbored for him. I hoped he understood that if he really believed what he was preaching he didn’t need to ask us for forgiveness which if he had any sense was what the point of this sermon was but he needed to ask god. That his own sermon was telling us to turn our hate over to god for god to take care of. To leave those worries and those thoughts to God because he would make sure that justice was served. 

I hoped it was true. That God would take care of things. Make sure that they saw justice for all of the people they had ever hurt. All of the people they ever even thought of hurting. When the sermon let out Cole looked at me before he squeezed my hand.  
“Are you ok? I always find it hard to listen to him. He’s such a…”

“Hypocrite?” I asked nodding my head in agreement, “Yeah.”

I turned to look mum hugging John. I couldn’t tell what they were saying from where I was sitting but Pat was standing back letting mum hug him. Her trying not to make a scene. I looked at them watched them. John seemed tired. Like he was letting her hug him because it was the right thing but, he really didn’t want to be touched. That he wasn’t interested in being touched or being anywhere near the crowd he was currently in the middle of.

Her pulling away her hand on his face looking at him. He seemed so much taller than she was now. So much bigger. His face still looked young, round but otherwise he was starting to look different. Still like my brother just, a different older version of himself. A more tired and less optimistic version. Him sighing as she pulled away Cat and James standing back a little bit watching as well while Mike and Matt did the same.

“John love, why don’t you take the kids to the van,” Mum mumbled to him handing him the keys, “Mike, Will can you two come with me and help me get the babies?”

“Yeah mum,” I sand nodding my head as Mike and I started following her.

“What happened to John where was he?” Mike asked me quietly probably so quietly mum couldn’t hear us.

“He was away. He’ll be ok,” I tried to assure Mike.

“I don’t think so,” Mike said, “Can anyone make him better?”

“I don’t know,” I said.

“Were you with him?” he asked me.

I didn’t want to answer that. I wasn’t sure if he was reading something in my face or if he knew something I wasn’t aware of but I cleared my throat as we got to the nursery and they handed her Mary over the gat her sitting Mary down on the floor in car seat and then doing the same to Seamus. They handed Mac over next mum smiling at him and then handing him to me to which he slapped me lightly in the face.

“Don’t hit Mac that’s mean,” I mumbled.

“There’s a cutie,” I heard him say me pulling Mac down into my arms and shielding him against my chest.

It was Hank and he was standing right behind me mum turning around as the person Handed Andy over the gate.

“Mr. Kingly,” Mum said coldly, “Mike take Andy and Laura’s hands and we’ll get going. Ok?”

“Oh, come on I love these kids they’re so sweet Danielle,” Hank muttered me making sure my back stayed to him that way he couldn’t see Mac.

I didn’t want him even looking at him. I didn’t want to see what was there, the thoughts playing in his head. Thoughts that I was used to seeing in Lionel’s eyes when he looked at me that I didn’t want to see someone thinking when they looked at my one-year old brother.

“Mum…,” I said quietly.

“I know love,” she said, “We’re leaving.”

He put his hand on my shoulder mum giving him a tight smile and shaking her head, “Get your hands off my children.”

“Don’t make a scene now, I just want to say hello,” Hank said.

“You’ve said hello now we’re leaving goodbye,” Mum said grabbing the baby carriers one in each hand and walking forward moving past him purposely bumping into him hitting him in the shin with Seamus making him let go of my shoulders me turning quickly and rushing past him, so I was in front of mum. People staring at us. At Hank.

She had done that on purpose however Seamus didn’t seem to even notice still soundly sleeping in his carrier as I turned to see mum walking behind us. I was sure mum had done that purpose. Probably to draw attention because while my dad said my mum wasn’t smart she could be. She knew it was important to draw attention to him, to us. Because if there was a crowd of people listening and watching he was less likely to make inappropriate comments or ignore her when she told him to leave us alone. To keep his hands away from us. Because while people thought he was a decent person, a police detective and a good man. Once they watched him and the way he treated a woman alone with her children. Watched how he disrespected an innocent woman’s request to leave her and her children alone their opinion of him would change fairly quickly.

Once we got out to the car we found the door open Cat and everyone already strapped into their seats while John sat in the front his head resting against the seat like he was falling asleep, the radio on. He was probably beyond tired. I knew I still felt tired and I’d had more than a car ride to recover. A black Sudan pulling up beside us and rolling down the driver’s window.

It was uncle Ben. I felt like my heart was going to stop. I couldn’t deal with this right now. I couldn’t deal with him right now.

“Need any help?” Uncle Ben asked us.

“No, we’re fine,” Mum said coldly, “Thank you. Keep your friends away from my children.”

“Now is that anyway to treat the people looking out for you while your husband is out of town?” Uncle Ben asked her.

“Help my arse,” Mum said shaking her head, “Go before I scream.”

“Fine Dani,” he sighed shaking his head, “See you at home in a few.”

“Are you ok?” Mum asked me turning around and making sure both Mary and Seamus were secure in their bases before she turned around and grabbed Andy.

I nodded my head numbly. Just when I thought I was going to get some type of relief for more than a couple of hours. I guess that meant the party was really over. That he was coming home. That he would be there when we got home and that there was only so much mum could do to keep us safe. To keep him from messing with me especially because he was allowed to. He was allowed to three times a week all he wanted as long as he didn’t use his mouth. As long as he didn’t suck me off.

I felt sick to my stomach. I really did. Me not wanting to think about it but my brain feeling him, all of them on my skin. Me handing Mac over to Mike who was still standing there forcing him to take Mac or have him drop to the ground as my knees buckles as it got hard to breathe.

“FUCK!” John muttered getting out of the car, “Come on. It’s ok…it’s ok.”

I could hear him talking but my head felt fuzzy my brain slow. Something was wrong I shook my head. 

“What’s going…,” I heard mum start to ask.

“Mum, I’ve got it. We’re fine make sure everyone gets buckled in,” John muttered getting down on the ground next to me, “Come on, just breathe. Just breathe you’re all right.”

I shook my head again. I wanted to tell him what it was. I wanted to word how scared I was that after everything, after what he had made me do it was going to happen again. And then again…and…

“Hey, tell me what the sign says,” John said, “Wingman, tell me what the sign says, read the sign. Focus on it,” he said his finger in front of me pointing at the sign outside the chapel building. My vision off, the whole world around me feeling blurry and like it was spinning.

“Will come on Wingman, come on its ok. Focus, just take a deep breath and focus,” John coaxed me.

I blinked heavily a few times but my breathing started to slow down a little bit. It got easier to move the air through my body as I looked at the sign squinting at it, trying to read it.

“Saint Mathew’s school for boys,” I mumbled.

“What else?” he asked me.

“Remember Lent?” I asked before I realized what he was doing. He was making me focus on something to calm me down. A trick he probably learned from doctor Palmer that I had seen him use on both John and myself before.

I sighed in relief. Leaning back into his chest him smiling down at me, “Better?”

I nodded my head, “Better.”

“What was that?” Mum asked us.

“Panic attack like I have,” John said shrugging his shoulders as I nodded my head.

“Is this because of …?” she trailed off.

“Mum,” John said sighing as he stood up before offering me his hand, “It happens to me almost every time I hear one of them speak. Is it really that surprising if you think about it? I mean you know what happens. You ok Will?”

I nodded my head as he pulled me up. I still felt numb. My head still felt weird. Off somehow. I felt dirty. Like I needed a shower like Lionel had just been tongue deep in my…well he had certain places he really enjoyed sticking his tongue.

“It’s ok Will,” John said hugging me, “It’s ok.”

I just shook my head trying to relax. Telling myself I was with mum and John. That I was ok. That I was safe and we were outside where everyone would see if something bad happened. Where normal people would see and say something. That I was somewhere I was ok.

“You want to sit up front with mum?” he asked me quietly and I nodded my head numbly.

“Ok,” he said, “Mum is everyone buckled in?”

“Yes, love of course,” Mum said climbing out, “Are you getting in Will?”

John shook his head opening the front door for me before John put his arm on mum’s shoulder and whispered something in her ear and she nodded her head smiling at him before she patted his arm, “Ok then.” She said out loud, “Make sure you buckle in ok Will?”

I climbed into the front seat and buckled my seat belt John pulling the sliding door closed and sitting beside Matt as mum came around and got into the driver’s seat before she started the car pulling out of the parking lot and then offered me her hand.

“It’s ok my strong brave boy ok?” she said to me and I took her hand and squeezed it.

I thought about how tiring this probably was for her. Dealing with this, with us. John and I breaking down all the time. James and Mike with the bedwetting. Matt and his…whole bucket of different problems. I was thankful again that she loved us. That she cared about us and that she was going to try and get somewhere we were safe. Where hopefully things would get better.

It didn’t take us long to get home. Mum and John mostly handling helping everyone out of the van. My head still felt slow, numb. His car wasn’t in the drive way. So that was a good sign. Because we hardly ever used the garage. I made sure Cat and James got out of the car before I did and I followed them up the stairs. The moment I got upstairs I went to my room and got in the shower again.

I was trying to make myself not feel dirty. Not feel like a whore. Not remember their hands as they pulled and pinched at me. As they shoved their fingers and tongues and…everything else into me. Trying to make my body forget so maybe my mind could too. So maybe…it wouldn’t hurt so bad to not tell anyone. To keep it to myself.

I heard a knock on the door, “Come in.” I mumbled.

“Love can you tell what…?” I heard mum start to ask through the curtain.

“Mum no,” I said, “It won’t help you and it won’t help me so no.”

“You’ve never done that before. John does that not you. What’s going on? Talk to me. Please Will?” she said.

I hugged myself pulling my knees into my chest as I sat at the bottom of my tub. I didn’t want to think about that. How the horrible things he had made me do, made me say. How he had made me beg for it. Made me call him Daddy. How he had started moving faster and harder when I said it. How it had hurt.

Him pounding and rubbing against that spot so hard I saw lights dancing before my eyes. How my mum could never understand that. How bad that had hurt. How much it tore me apart inside to admit that I had begged him for it. How Teddy had acted like it wasn’t a big deal. Told me that I should just do it because it would make him finish faster.

How sick it made me to think I had said those things, how if I hadn’t he would have hurt me worse. Or someone else. I must have snuffled or something because mum didn’t wait for me to reply before she opened the shower curtain causing me to jump nearly out of my skin.

“Mum! I’m naked!” I stuttered my eyes going wide doing my best to cover myself.

“Holy fuck!” she said looking at me, “What did he do to you?”

I looked at my body seeing what she saw. The bruises on my shoulders, the ones on my outer thighs. My knee caps. Me thankful they hadn’t bitten me. Me thankful that my legs were pulled up to my chest so she couldn’t really see the ones on my inner thighs or around my hips or belly button that I was sure were there from their mouths. From them sucking at my skin.

“Nothing,” I said quietly shaking my head.

“Those right there look like someone grabbed you and yanked on your arm love,” she said pointing to the marks on my shoulder and bicep, “What did he do?”

“He…held me down,” I answered not looking at her.

“Love, you know talking about it will help,” she told me.

“NO!” I shouted, “No it won’t mum you’ll just disappear and I’ll…I don’t want to think about mum I want to forget. I want to forget it forever. Don’t make me talk about it. If I talk about it it happened. It’s real and I don’t want it to be real.”  
I said before I started sobbing.

“Oh love,” she said bending down and hugging me wrapping her arms around my whole body, “Not talking about it doesn’t make it go away. It doesn’t make you forget. It just hurts you. It lets you hold all of these bad things inside that he did to you. It’s like a sore that’s full of pus that you won’t clean out. It makes you sick. It makes you sick so deep down it’ll hurt forever and I don’t want that for you. I don’t want that for my babies. That’s why we’re getting out of here. So, they can quit piling hurt on top of hurt on you ok? So that you can start to heal. So, you can clean all of that yucky stuff out of your soul love. So, you and your brothers and sisters can get better. Ok? That starts with us though. Us being honest and talking about things. You boys telling me things until there’s someone else to tell. I won’t disappear on you. I promise I won’t disappear on you.”

“You will mummy,” I said not believing her.

I wanted to. I wanted to believe her but there were so many things at risk. Her life, her sanity, the well-being of my siblings. John’s ability to deal along with mine. There were so many things that I couldn’t say and I knew I couldn’t. My brain afraid I would slip. That I would accidently tell her it wasn’t him. That it wasn’t Uncle Ben. That she would blame herself for trusting yet another person who was bad for her, for us.

“No. I won’t. I’ve tried hiding from this. It doesn’t work, I’ve tired fighting this and it doesn’t work. I won’t hide on you. You can tell me anything you need to and I’ll believe every word. I love you Will. I love you so much and knowing that you’re keeping this all to yourself hurts me. I know you hurts you more than it hurts me but, you don’t need to go through this alone,” she told me.

“He raped me,” I muttered, “He kissed me. He pushed me down and I wanted to scream and I couldn’t. I couldn’t because he’d be so mad. I knew he’d be mad. And then he’d hurt someone and it would be my fault. I couldn’t let it be my fault again. I couldn’t. So, I let him. It hurt and I let him. I DIDN’T WANT TO! I DIDN’T BUT I LET HIM HE COULDN’T HURT ANYONE ELSE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MY FAULT!”

I sobbed. I outright shrieked my mum holding me. Wrapping her arms around me hushing me. Letting me scream and sob.

“None of this is your fault. You hear me? None of it. You didn’t do anything to make this your fault William,” she said after a while, “None of it is your fault. None of it. Not a single millisecond of this is your fault. None of it.”

She kept repeating that as I cried into her arms the shower water running and the curtain open as she held me. She was getting wet. It felt good though. To get it out. To tell her all of those things even if she thought it was someone else. That it had been Uncle Ben instead of him. Instead of Lionel. Me not telling her everything.

Not how he made me beg for it or how he had made me wear makeup and let his friend…not just rape me but humiliate me. She held onto me as I quieted down. As I quit sobbing and screaming. She let me cling to her as she kept repeating that over and over again, “None of it is your fault.”

After I had been silent for a minute or two she sat back her shirt soaked as she ran a hand through my hair. She looked like she wanted to cry but she wasn’t. She wasn’t crying at all. She looked tired but something in her eyes told me she loved me. That her love was more important to her than the pain she was feeling.

“Are you all right for now?” she asked me.

At the time I didn’t understand the significance of her saying that. Not just asking me if I was ok but if I was all right for right now. For the moment. Like she knew it wasn’t all right. That things weren’t going to be all right forever. That it was something I would struggle with in the future and that she could accept that. That she would do what she could to help me fight it and get back to being all right. I nodded my head.

“Good, how about you finish your shower and I’ll go start some lunch. You just take your time ok?” she told me to which I nodded my head. She shut the curtain leaving me there.

She was right I did feel better. I always felt better after talking about something but, that didn’t mean I wanted to. That I wanted people to know. I would rather no one knew. That no one knew anything about it. It still disturbed me that Teddy knew. That Teddy knew and while he seemed upset by it at different times and he didn’t want other people to know either there were other times where he sounded like it didn’t bother him. Like it was something that he viewed as normal even though he knew that made him fucked up.

He knew he was screwed up in the head and it was like he tried to hide it. But then sometimes just the things he said, his advice when dealing with Lionel. It showed and it scared me a little bit. Not that he wasn’t a good person. He was, he seemed like one. Especially if he took care of Luke the way he had taken care of me while I was there. But, it was still upsetting to think about. How Ted would probably never be normal. Because of them.

After I was done showering I got out and dressed. Thinking that I would go grab some food before I took a nap or something coming out and hearing laughter.

“Don’t be a dork Cole,” I heard Pat’s voice.

“But dude, could you imagine that? Fucking Chad’s face blowing up like a balloon. We should get it done. How did you learn that anyway?” Cole asked.

“Dom let it slip once. I don’t know how he knows and I didn’t ask. Even though I don’t think his face would blow up I think it’d kill him,” Pat replied.

“Even better. World would be a lot better without Chad around,” Cole said.

“Yeah I know that’s how most people feel. Which leaves me to wonder…,” Pat trailed off as Cole interrupted his thought.

“Because you’re a bad ass. No one is about to mess with you,” Cole muttered as I turned the corner finding Cole putting his foot in Pat’s face who swatted it away.

“Hey,” Pat said to me seeing me, “John said you were upset earlier? Are you all right?”

“Yeah, I’m ok,” I answered quietly Cole turning around and looking at me.

“Cole,” John said coming from the kitchen behind me into the living room carrying three cans of soda, “Don’t even.”

“Don’t even what?” I heard James ask from behind the couch.

“Nothing,” John answered.

“How are you? Are you ok?” Cole asked me.

“Pat just asked that,” Matt muttered not taking his eyes off the TV.

“Well spotted,” Mike muttered, “Why are you here?”

Cole laughed loudly at that, “We’re visiting.”

“But why?” Mike asked, “Aren’t you tired? I’m always tired after church.”

“Church wakes me up,” Cole answered popping the top of his can open and drinking from it.

“Yeah it makes him feel holy sometimes,” Pat said before John caught the double meaning there laughing.

“Yeah, I bet,” John said rolling his eyes, “Which is why you’re not even thinking it. Right Cole?”

“Right,” Cole said turning to John and sticking out his tongue at him, “You say anything about it again I’m going to beat with a rubber chicken.”

“I’d like to see you try,” Pat said shaking his head.

Cole made a sound of indignation, “You know what? I am going to go hang out with him just because he doesn’t threaten me.”

Cole got up smiling at me before he grabbed my hand pulling me back down the hall, “So what’s up with you? John said you like freaked out earlier. I’m assuming it’s because of what we talked about?”

I nodded my head sheepishly, “I saw uncle Ben and I just…I could feel it.”

“You know what I like to do when that happens?” he asked me.

“What?” I asked him.

“I usually pinch myself because it reminds me that it’s not happening and then I…”

“Go make out with some guy?” I questioned.

“You too now? Really? Really? Come on I was there too you know how many people I had to deal with yesterday? Give me a break that’s the last thing I’m thinking about right now,” he said.

“Sorry,” I sighed, “Seriously. What do you do?”

“I imagine kicking them like a fucking soccer play. Right in the face. I don’t actually do it but, it makes me feel better and then imaging the looks on everyone’s faces when I do it. It’s actually oddly satisfying. Makes me feel a little better.”

“Even for…,” I lowered my voice making sure no one was in ear shot, “Him?”

“Him I imagine a grab and twist type of deal. I wouldn’t commend ever trying that. Did it to my dad once though. He was really not happy swelled up like an overstuffed sausage took him two weeks to recover and me about three months. It was almost worth it though,” Cole said as he opened my bedroom door and threw himself onto my bed, “My ass is so sore.”

“Mine too,” mumbled in agreement.

“Considering how Jai is I’m not surprised. He likes ball slapping hard as fuck fucking. It fucking hurts,” he muttered.

I felt my face getting warm just thinking about it. How he knew that that he had…

“God it’s just me. Don’t do that. Ok?” he said looking at me sprawled out on my bed.

“Do what?” I asked.

“Think about it. Be embarrassed by it. That’s why he likes you, you realize? Because you’re shy and quiet. You don’t like people knowing. You don’t like being confronted with the fact people know. That’s why he chose you. Because he knows you won’t tell anyone and you won’t talk about how he loves eating unwashed asshole or how he loves running his hands over your…”

“Stop,” I said shaking my head, “Stop it.”

“That’s why though. You know that’s why,” he said sitting up.

“Yeah, I know I realize. I’ve been told,” I said.

“By …oh. How is Teddy?” he asked me.

“He seemed ok,” I answered.

“No really?” Cole said his face softening as he looked at me, “How is he for real? I know it was his first time in a while this weekend. How did he seem?”

“When I saw him, he was busy trying to help me,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

“Help you with what?” Cole asked frowning as he sat up, “Lionel didn’t…?”

“What do you mean help me with what? He helped me get into the shower and clean myself up because my legs were either cramping so bad I couldn’t move or I couldn’t feel them at all. That’s all he helped me with why?” I asked him frowning.

Cole sighed in relief allowing himself to fall back onto my bed, “Good. That’s good.”

“When did he start doing that to you?” I asked him.

“You mean making me…do that? As in what I think you’re asking me?” Cole asked me sitting up straight and pulling himself up against my wall patting the spot where his legs had been a moment before.

I nodded my head feeling my face get warm hoping he wasn’t upset that I was asking. Asking when Lionel had started forcing him to do things with other boys. I wanted to know because it gave me a time line. A timeline of how long I had before I did something I could never take back. How long I had before I hurt someone. Before I was left with no choice.

“I’m sorry…should I…?”

“No, it’s ok,” Cole sighed, “Come on sit.”

I sat down next to him and he sighed looking at me.

“Outside of Tony when my Dad got involved in the brotherhood Lionel was…I was almost 10. Just almost. Tony had made videos of me with my dad and him…and Lionel saw one and decided he wanted Dad in. It was almost like an audition. To prove that he was actually into those things. He saw it and he wanted to meet me right away. Dad took me over there and I remember being nervous from the moment I got in the car because it was summer and dad did nothing but drink and smoke and sit on his ass all day unless he was using mine at that point. So, it was weird when he took me to McDonald’s and then we took off. I remember thinking the Villa was a castle but that made me think of dungeons which made me think of being tied up and…anyway I was so scared I couldn’t walk. My dad picked me up and carried me into the Villa and Lionel…he looked at me and he just said one word, “Yes.” And that was it. 

He had someone take me from Dad and he took me upstairs. He…did what he does. Two weeks later I was marked. A month after that I was taken back. At my marking some of the throwaways told me what would happen to me if I ever came back. The tables all of that. But that didn’t happen for me. He took me into that room and he…yeah. From then on, I was his. He’d buy me gifts, he’d take me places. He once took me to Benihana. All over the place. 

I met Jai after I’d been with Lionel for almost a year it was probably around nine months. That’s when he started …making me beg. For stuff. I don’t care to get into that but anyway. It started getting weird. By the time I was 11 he had introduced me to Kris who had…yeah. That’s really not the same as it is now. And then he introduced me to Ted.

At first it was just Ted watching while I …he liked to call it playing. While I played with Lionel and then Lionel having me watch while he played with Ted. And then it was…him playing with both of us at once. Until finally one time He was…doing his…you know what he does and making me beg and then he looked at me and he told me to…kiss Ted. That was it just a kiss. And I said no. It was probably the only time I ever dared to say no to him. He told my dad and then they took us to the morgue and made us watch as he killed that kid. He said if I ever said no he’d make sure I fucked the corpse of the next kid I killed. So, he asked me to kiss Ted again. Of course, I didn’t say no. I didn’t want another kid to die. The next time it was more and then more until…yeah.” Cole said to me, “He stopped right after I turned 12. Moved onto Teddy exclusively. Teddy was just over nine.”

“So, he was seven or eight when you first…,” I trailed off and Cole nodded his head.

“Yeah. Before you say anything about last time by the way. I’m sorry. That should have never happened and it will never happen again because I am never and I will repeat that NEVER coming over here that high again. I can’t. If that’s what it does to me, I can’t. I won’t be like them, like him I refuse to be like them.”

“I kissed you though,” I said, “It was me, I kissed you.”

“Not the second time while we were in here alone. That was all me. And it won’t happen again. Never you got me? I am sorry I …”

“It’s ok. I wanted to. I wanted…I wanted you to,” I said quietly looking at him.

“I don’t care. You’re 10 that was not right. That was not ok,” Cole said.

“I DON’T CARE!” I said loudly, “Why does everyone keep reminding me how old I am? Do you all really think I can forget? Ted told me he only…” I made a sound in the back of my throat, “I’m older then he usually likes. I’m like on the edge of what he likes. Why does everyone think I’m going to forget that?”

“They don’t Will ok? They’re just trying to remind you how young you are. How what they are doing to you, what he’s doing to you is warping your brain ok? You need to not…you’re not ready for everything that goes with that,” he smiled sadly at me, “Some people think I’m not ready for that and I’m a week away from being 14.”

“Really?” I asked him.

“Yeah, Pat turns 15 in September. Next week February 16th I’ll be 14,” Cole told me.

“I turn 11 March 3rd,” I said.

“And you’ll be free. Are you excited? To have a birthday where you don’t have to worry about any of that?” he asked me.

“Yeah, mum told me about that,” I said, “Why are you giving us money.”

“Because you get away from him, from all of them, you get out of this. You’ll be fine. You’ll be golden I can feel it in my bones. So, I need to do everything I can to get you and everyone else out of here. Everyone there’s a chance for. If that means I have to give your mom a little bit of money to make that happen for you guys I have no problem with that I’m more than happy to help,” Cole answered me.

“What about you and Pat?” I asked him.

“Pat will be fine on his own. He’ll find away, he’ll get out. Me…” Cole shook his head, “Don’t worry about me.”

“What does that mean?” I asked him.

“They took my dad from me Will, they took the guy who took care of my mom and me and they replaced him with this…thing that I don’t even recognize. They might have buried my mom but they may as well of buried my dad right beside her because he is not the same man he was. And he’ll never be that man again.

They took one of the only two people that really felt like family away from me because he loved me in a way they thought shouldn’t be allowed. The only thing I have is Pat. Once Pat’s safe I want to be with my family again ok? Don’t tell anyone that. But I’m going to take a gun I’m going to go up to Lionel I’m going to shoot his fucking dick off and then I’m going to shoot him the fucking face. Then they’ll kill me but, you know what?

At least that piece of shit will be gone too. At least there will be who knows how many kids that don’t have to worry about that fucker ever touching them. That don’t have to worry about him turning their dad into a monster. That man has ruined my life more times then I count and I’m fucking tired of watching him ruin everyone else’s. It will be an honor to blow his brains out. Only when Pat gets away will I do it though.”

I understood his anger but I was in awe of it too. I knew there were a lot of things Cole didn’t say but, I didn’t know it was that. That he had all that rage towards Lionel. I think I understood it though. After what him and Teddy had told me Lionel had made them do to each other.

“Mr. Hou is Jai?” I asked Cole.

“That’s his first name yes,” he said as he sighed heavily, “It’s not good he already introduced you to Jai that means whatever he’s going to do to it he’s going to do it fast.”

“You mean have…have sex with Teddy?” I asked him.

“Explains why he let Ted help you. He’ll desensitize you to each other and then spring it on you. First by having you watch him with Ted and then having Ted watch you with him and then…yeah. And then he’ll do the same to the next boy. That’s why I always got so nervous when Ted was around even before he made me actually touch him because I knew. Because he’d make me watch him with Kris so I knew that’s what he was planning. I felt it. 

Kris knew better than to say no though. Kris never said no but Kris…he by then you have to understand I was so used to my dad every night that I just…it was almost therapeutic that Kris and Lionel didn’t beat me. That Kris told me if I needed to scream I should scream and he’d deal with it. He’d deal with Lionel.

I mean it sucked. Being …that and it still does but, Kris did everything he could to make sure I was ok short of telling Lionel no when Lionel told him to do something. Sometimes Lionel would …you know do his thing and then he’d lock the door and leave us in the room for hours and Kris would let me hug him if I needed to hug him and cry and scream or he’d leave me alone. He’d sit as far away from me in the room as possible and just let me…do what I needed to do to calm myself down. Kris might have hurt me but he was respectful about it. He always told me he was sorry. He told me I could even beat him up if I wanted to and that he wouldn’t fight me.”

“How can you sleep with him now? I mean, how do you want to?” I asked him.

“It reminds me of that. Of how he…did what he could to protect me and how he still will. I mean he’s not Justin, no one will ever be Justin but, it’s almost like with Pat. I know they’ll do what they can not to hurt me. So, I feel safe with them. Doing that with them. Pat doesn’t really…before John I honestly thought he was girls only and it’s like fucking my brother but Kris is like…friends with benefits. He’s a great friend, a really great friend but, he’s not my brother. I trust him to do whatever it is he needs to to protect me even if I don’t understand it at the time. Pat too that’s why whenever they make me do cam work I ask to be…with one of them. Because I know they won’t hurt me unless they are told they have no choice. And even then, they’ll let me work it out however I need to.”

“Cam work?” I asked not sure what the slang meant. I’m not sure I had ever heard that expression before.

“When they film you. Then they put it on online and let people buy it. Because you’re underage it gets a lot of…they make a lot of money from it. Not everyone does cam work and sometimes when someone does they only do a specific type. I knew a throwaway that did foot fetish videos and he said it was fucking weird. However apparently he knew how to give a foot job.”

At that I frowned. I didn’t even know what that was and Cole must have sensed it because he smiled like he was trying not to laugh before he said, “It’s like giving a hand job only with your feet instead.”

“Oh,” I said.

“Yeah, they do a lot of stuff. Usually the more hardcore stuff is with throwaways, however I’ve done a bunch of different things you don’t need to know about but, Tony throws me a cut of profits every once in a while. As long as I let him…as long as I give him what he wants.”

I tried to remember who Tony was. It was a name I heard a lot. But I couldn’t place it with a face. I felt weird asking but I cleared my throat, “Who is Tony?”

“Tony is the camera guy. Short, hairy, has a beer belly Italian?” Cole questioned me nodding my head in understanding.

“Loud?” I asked.

“Fuck yeah he’s fucking…he yells everything. Every time he speaks it seems like he’s yelling it doesn’t matter what he’s doing,” Cole said.

“I met him at my marking,” I mumbled, “He brought a bunch of kids in and they looked so dirty. They were so dirty that you could see the dirt coming off them when they got in the shower. One of them was like Jay’s age.”

“They were probably a shipment. How many six to 10 boys?” he asked me.

“I think it was only three maybe four,” I answered.

“They move them on ships. Sometimes they go overseas for a couple of months and then move them back. They spend weeks on those ships usually cargo ships. Not a lot of women work on cargo ships so they look for guys who are looking to get it where they can and throw in a little money. The cargo ship people look the other way.

They’ll spend weeks on the ships eating like Army rations with no showers in order to keep people the rest of the crew from finding out they are there. Once they get to where they are taking them they clean them up and do whatever it is they are going to do. If they are staying they get tattoo if they aren’t…they’ll use them and onto the next stop after they are finished. If it was young boy he probably didn’t last long. They never do. Especially if they are like…if they look used.”

“He had a huge scar on his back. He said one of his dads gave it to him but they were giving him to a new dad,” I told Cole.

“He’s probably dead that’s the type of kid they use to make snuff. It’s the only way they pull in any money worth a damn. Might have used him as an example like the one kid they killed in front of me. At least he’s probably in a better place. His life might have been short but at least he’s not suffering anymore,” Cole sighed.

Hearing that made my chest feel tight. Made me wonder what horrible things they had probably done to that kid before they had finally…before they had killed him. It made me thankful for once that even though my family was in this at least we weren’t ones. At least we meant something so they would never do that to us. Film our deaths for other people to watch and…get off on.

“What do they do with the other throwaways?” I asked Cole.

“Honestly a lot of them are cam boys. Sometimes they make them stand on street corners, prostitution. If they’re young but don’t look like they have been used that often sometimes they’ll post ads on different websites usually says something about fresh sausage. It’s code for…”

“Young, alone kid?” I asked him.

“Young boy,” Cole said, “Young boy used for sex. Sicko’s like them answer it. They sell them, buy them, for hours, days forever, suck and fuck, maim, torture, kill. Whatever it is they want to whoever is going to give them the most money. It’s disgusting and Lionel is behind a big chunk of it here in the US. If the universe had any sense of justice when I blow that mother fucker to bits I’d get a medal but I won’t. Instead I’ll be dead.”

“I didn’t realize you were so angry with him,” I said.

“How are you not? He introduced you to Jai. They dressed you up like a fucking sex doll and put a thong up your crack and then raped you. How does that not make you angry?” he asked me.

“I’m angry too I just…,” I shrugged my shoulders.

“Another reason why Lionel likes you. You’re not blaming him. You’re blaming you. That’s how he wants it. He wants you to think you asked for it. Hell, he wants you to …”

“NO!” I said loudly shaking my head Coles face falling as I jumped away from him, “I won’t…I’m not going to…”

“Ok!” Cole put his hands out, “OK! I’m sorry ok? I won’t bring that up. I won’t I swear.”

“Everything ok in here love?” Mum asked me coming by the door.

We had left the door cracked. Mostly because no one was in the hallway and we had been mostly quiet. But my shout had caught her attention as she was walking by to go into the kitchen me sighing thinking of what she would say if she knew. If she knew I had begged Lionel to fuck me. How disgusting she would think I was.

“Yeah,” I lied, “I’m ok.”

“You’re sure?” she asked us.

“Yeah,” I said again, “Everything’s fine mum I’m ok. Really I promise.”

“Ok, what about you Cole are you ok? You look upset,” she said to him.

“Yeah, I’m ok. We were just talking. I was telling him how sorry I was about last time I was over. I know I already said I was sorry to you Mrs. McGregor but I really truly am…”

“Cole it’s fine. I promise. I forgive you. I just want the door to remain open to make sure it doesn’t happen again and I see you are respecting that so I’m going to trust you. And you’re being more than helpful with other things. So as long as you leave the door open you can be here and talk to whomever you like.” Mum said smiling at him.

“Thank you, Mrs. McGregor,” Cole said nodding his head as mum continued down the hallway.

“He’s really pushing you,” Cole said.

“Can we not talk about it anymore? Please?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head, “Of course. I remember what that feels like. It’s no problem. Have you watched anything interesting lately?”

“No,” I said, “Not really unless you count toy story 2.”

Cole smiled, “You have to love them. I used to think my GI Joes came to life.”

“Really?” I asked surprised that Cole would think something like that.

“Yeah, too bad they didn’t. It would have been awesome. I mean imagine if they just came to life every night while you were sleeping. How awesome that would be,” Cole said, “The things they could do.”

“I don’t think I ever really played with G.I Joe,” I answered, “I enjoyed trying to dig to china. When I was kid. John told me that if we dug to China we could live in one of the great old temples and all of the soldiers would protect us. That was when we were really little though.”

“The GI Joes were my soldiers,” Cole smiled, “I wish I could get that back sometimes. That type of innocence.”

“I don’t remember having it, not really. I wish I did. Sometimes though if It’s super windy and there’s an empty field I like to run through it though with my arms outstretched pretending I can fly. I think it’d be cool to fly.”

“You’ll fly. Soon I promise,” he told me smiling, “You want to go see if Pat and John finally kicked Matt off the video games yet?”

“No,” I said shaking my head, “I kind of want to stay here if that’s ok with you.”

“You want me to stay?” he asked me.

“I don’t care. I don’t mind you being here if you want to stay,” I said quietly.

“Want me to move so you can lay down? You look tired and at least here it’s safe to sleep you know,” he said.

I nodded my head understanding what he meant. That even if Uncle Ben was around downstairs everyone was up and moving. There was no way he nor Lionel nor anyone else could hurt me in real life right now if I wanted to sleep. There was no risk of him waking me up and…making me do those things. The things that made me hate myself.

I nodded my head, “Will you stay for a little bit still though? Just…until I fall asleep?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he nodded his head, “You want me to sit on the chair or the floor or…?”

“Can you just like hold my hand and sit next to me?” I asked him.

He felt safe and he didn’t make me feel like a baby or some stupid kid. Even if he promised he wouldn’t kiss me again. Said I was too young. There was something about his smile, his eyes that made me feel hopeful. Hopeful that one day I could be less scared and braver like he was. 

“Sure,” he said smiling before he pulled up my desk chair, “Just close your eyes I’m right here ok? Just try and rest.”

“Thank you,” I said grabbing his hand as he gave it a squeeze.

After a while I felt him move. I was almost asleep but not quiet there and he bend over and heard him whisper, “Soon you’ll be free forever. Soon you’ll fly I promise.” Before he left the room.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone has a close call with Uncle Ben Will stepping up to protect one of his younger siblings his brain too worn down and scared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 470 to 490. Ok sorry, about last time I posted. I've been struggling with some stuff lately. I'm fine I'm still alive. I'll keep updating but like I said before updates always go a bit slower once I'm in class and apparently I have some very serious issues to work out that I've been ignoring for a while. **Warnings: Rape/non-con, threats of infant rape, bullying, manipulation, mental health issues**

When I woke up it was past dinner time. The house sounded quiet and I was sure mum had put all of the babies to sleep. Me getting up and going to go get a drink finding mum sitting at the kitchen counter looking over something in her hands. It looked like a notebook. I couldn’t tell if it was a journal that she was writing in or if it was something else but when she heard me she looked up and smiled.

“Are you ok love? Are you feeling better?” she asked me.

I nodded my head not sure what she was doing, “It’s my journal.” She answered for me.

“Like the ones we’re supposed to be keeping?” I asked her.

“Aye,” she said, “I keep one too. About everything that happens.”

“About us?” I asked her.

“Yes, love. About you kids. How …you tell me things. How you all seem to be doing. I try and write at least once a week. I figured now was as good a time as any,” she told me.

“Am I in there?” I asked her, “What I…told you earlier?”

“Yes,” she said, “It’s important to write that stuff down. So, when we get somewhere I can give it to someone that will help us.”

“The police?” I asked her my insides going cold thinking about it, how dangerous that was. How she couldn’t ever tell the police anything or Da would find out where we were. He would find us and make us come back and then…mum would probably be killed.  
“For this one no. Someone helped me find these people they call themselves the Rosalina foundation. They help families that their family lives aren’t so good and they get them somewhere safe. Take them someplace they can help them. They have therapist and people to talk to. That’s what this journal is for. For one of them to see when we get there. It talks mostly about my feelings but, also talks a lot about what’s happening to you kids. I have a lot of feelings about that so I write them down. You understand?” she asked me.

“Yeah, I think so mum,” I said nodding my head before I pulled some milk out of the fridge.

“Love there’s some spaghetti in there for you if you want it,” she told me.

“I don’t know if I’m hungry. My stomach hurts,” I told her, “Sometimes after…it hurts for a little while.”

“You’re still sore?” she asked me.

I felt my face turning red. It wasn’t necessarily a sore type of feeling but more of a full feeling. More of a my body wanted to clean out my colon feeling. Stomach cramps ripping through my lower abdomen every so often. There’s a reason why sometimes they call it fudge packing because it feels like someone packing down flour tightly in a measuring cup only it’s inside your bowels. It makes you very not hungry and can sometimes leave you uncomfortable for days after. Now that my inside no longer felt like they were suffering from a bad rug burn I was dealing with that side effect. One that looking back John probably dealt with very often which was why he didn’t eat much.

The three of four days after we had returned from our failed attempt to leave my stomach had felt like that. The cramping whenever you ate any food being too much and making you feel sick and bloated. I figured that’s probably what John’s stomach felt like all the time. It was uncomfortable and sometimes down right painful.

“It’s not sore really, it’s kind of…it feels weird,” I mumbled.

“Will the milk help?” she asked me sympathetically.

“I think so,” I answered nodding my head.

“Ok love,” she said, “Why don’t you stay home from school tomorrow? I think I’m probably going to keep John home too just to be safe.”

“Because of Uncle Ben and what he made us do?” she asked me.

“Well I called Dr. Palmer and he told me something that concerns me that neither you and John are talking about. I understand why it’s upsetting to talk about but, it’s worrisome that neither one of you will address it with me,” she told me making me frown.  
What had Dr. Palmer told her? Had he told her about what it was like to be there? To be at the Villa the stuff they made us do. How they supposedly strapped you down and raped you until you couldn’t even scream. How sometimes bad things happened like the toys and the restraints. Had Dr. Palmer told her about him? About Lionel even after he had warned me not to?

“What things?” I asked her quietly coming over to her which caused her to stand up and hug me.

“Dr. Palmer told me about where Uncle Ben took you and how they treat boys there. How it’s usually more than one man at a time. He told me that they usually tie you boys down and do horrible things to you. You told me they held you down and that…,” she sighed heavily, “But was it more than one person?”

I felt weird hearing her ask me that. I didn’t understand why it was important for her to know. Why it mattered if it was one person or two or twenty. To me it all hurt the same. A dick was a dick and a mouth was a mouth. The mouths and hands and dicks of people I didn’t want touching me, making me feel those things.

I didn’t want to think about Jai. How he had shoved a vibrator into me as he…How he had done that for so long that all I could feel was the vibrations ripping through my body and his lips…his mouth as he grunted and suckled and snorted like he was some type of animal. Like he was eating me.

I felt that my face was still warm but I shook my head. Me not wanting to talk about it, to admit to that. Me not wanting to know what she would think of me if she knew. If she knew everything they had done. Everything they had made me do. I had told her they had hurt me, that they had held me down. Why did any of the rest matter? Why did she need to know that?

“Mum why?” I asked quietly.

“Because those are the types of questions police are going to ask you. And I’m you’re mum,” she said to me.

“Exactly, you’re my mum. It’s bad enough you know that it’s…what it is. You don’t need to know details ok? It’ll only hurt you,” I tried explaining.

“But not talking about it hurts you. When we get somewhere safe I will find a therapist. I know it will take time but hopefully it’s someone that you’ll trust enough and feel comfortable enough with to talk about things. I want you boys to get past this, all of us to get past this and that’s not going to happen if we don’t talk about it. Writing about it is almost like talking just private. It’s giving it over to god and leaving a record. It’s taking all of those horrible feelings and worries and handing them over to someone who can help me deal with them. I know you and John don’t write as often as you should. I really wish you would,” she said as I drank some of my milk, “Do you need me to get you anything? Anymore Motrin? Anything?”

“No,” I shook my head, “I’m fine. I’m probably going to go back to sleep. Are Mike and Matt in bed early?”

“Love, it’s 8:30. They just went to bed,” she said to me causing me to look at the clock.

I had thought it was earlier than that. I had thought it was only around 7 or so. I nodded my head before finishing my glass and sighing, “Good night mum. I love you.”

“I love you too,” she told me, “Go get more rest. Hopefully you’ll sleep ok but if you have any trouble let me know ok?”

“Ok,” I said walking away and going back to my room.

I didn’t wake up again until around 8 when I heard someone screaming in the hallway. A horrible baby wail of a scream. I waited a few minutes figuring mum would take care of it and when she didn’t I got up and opened my door only to find Andy standing there in the middle of the hallway naked as the day he was born screaming and crying.

“What on earth?” I asked him as he looked at me before he pointed down the hallway me picking him up, “Use your words. I know they are limited but use them. You’re ok. Everything is ok.”

I hushed him. Trying to calm him down and not let him realize how panicked I was. The fact that he was naked and screaming pointing to the fact that maybe something really bad had happened before mum came darting out of the bathroom.

“Andy love she didn’t mean it. You scared her. That’s all she didn’t mean it,” Mum said.

“Who didn’t mean what?” I asked mum.

“Lar. He spit in her face. They were in the bathtub and he spit in her face and she said something in their babble and he took off running and screaming. The he tripped and fell on his face and ran out into the hallway. I was telling her that she needed to be nice to her brother and that she needed to say she was sorry. Did he wake you? I’m sorry love, why don’t you go back to sleep?” Mum muttered taking him from me.

“That’s all no…Uncle Ben or anything?” I asked her to be sure.

“I swear it. Your uncle was outside getting into his car when I put the boys and then Cat on the buses the morning. That’s all I’ve seen of him all day,” Mum told me.

“Where is John?” I asked her.

“Sleeping,” she muttered, “He was up and down all night.”

“Really?” I asked her.

“Yeah, I’m not sure what was going on but he was up at 12 and then again at 2 and then again around 5…he stayed up and even got dressed and he just doesn’t…he looks like he’s out of sorts still so I told him to go back to bed. He was also very…” she sighed heavily.

“Drunk?” I asked her.

“I thought I took it all away Dr. Palmer told me to measure it out and give him a little bit for the day to keep him out of withdrawals but…he got some somewhere,” she told me.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head as mum turned around wandering back towards the nursery with Andy in her arms.

I thought about going back to bed but, hearing John had been up and down all night bothered me. It bothered me in a way that I can’t even explain me instead going to his bedroom door and knocking before I heard a muffled thump and some swearing.

“Come in,” he said.

I opened the door to find him tangled in his bed covers sitting up on the floor. His hair a mess like he had been tossing and turning all night.

“You just fell out of bed,” I commented, “Are you ok?”

“Well spotted Sherlock,” he mumbled his speech a little slurred, “What’s up?”

“Are you ok? Mum said you were up and down all night,” I told him.

“Every time I closed my eyes it was…I don’t know,” he told me shrugging his shoulders before he looked at his legs tangled in the blankets on the floor, “I think they took my legs.”

“Move them,” I said to which him. He squinted and then wiggled his toes under the covers causing him to laugh.

“Good job!” he said smiling as he laid back on the floor, “I still have them.”

“How do you get so drunk?” I asked him shaking my head.

“It’s a skill,” he told me, “How do I find them?”

“Are you seriously this drunk or are you just yanking my chain? Or did you steal something else from Cole?” I asked him.

“Mum’s stealing money from Cole,” he told me looking at me.

“No, she’s not. He’s giving it to her,” I told him as I walked over working to untangle him from his own covers.

“All I see his him. When I close my eyes and then his eyes change. So many different eyes, so mean,” he mumbled.

Now that was confusing. I couldn’t understand what was happening. He had never been this drunk before. Something really didn’t seem right. Something seemed super off.

“John, did you just drink? Did anyone give you anything to take yesterday?” I asked him.

“I had some left so I took it. Maybe it would get rid of the eyes. All those eyes,” he muttered almost falling asleep.

“Ok then,” I said, “Here, help me get you back into bed ok?” 

“What?” he asked me.

“I’m going to help you up and get you back into bed,” I said doing my best to help him up as he stumbled over his own feet me pulling his covers back over him.

I sighed shutting the door behind me before I went and called the number on the fridge.

“Hello Dr. Palmer and Dr. Huntz office how may I help you?” the secretary asked me.

“Hello this is William McGregor could you please see if Dr. Palmer is avaible?”

“Hold please,” she said before the phone beeped a couple times and I heard a heavy sigh.

“Dr. Palmer how may I help you?” Dr. Palmer muttered like he had said it a million times today.

“Dr. Palmer it’s Will McGregor. Did you give John anything?” I asked him.

“Will? What do you mean anything?” he asked me.

“Like he’s…acting drunk but not like normal drunk and he said something about he had some left. So, he took it to get rid of the eyes,” I said.

I heard Dr. Palmer sigh heavily, “Make sure he doesn’t drink anything but water. I’ll be there as soon as I can ok? Is your mom around? Can I talk to her?”

“She’s bathing the babies,” I told him, “I don’t know why but she is.”

“Ok, I’ll be there as soon as I can. To me it sounds like he might have left some in the flask I gave him for his second dose and he must have taken it at some point,” Dr. Palmer told me.

“I don’t understand what did you give him?” I asked him.

“It’s a drug it helps make it so you don’t remember. He missed a dose. I couldn’t get to him in time to give him another dose. I was only giving him a 0.1 milligram dose every four hour to make sure I didn’t give him too much. Last time I gave him some it was more like a 0.5 and I told him to drink half. He must have kept the other half. He must have taken it.”

“So, you’re coming?” I asked him.

“Yeah, I’ll come make sure he’s ok. Just…make sure he doesn’t drink anything but water,” he said again.

“Ok,” I said as Dr. Palmer hung up the phone.

All that was left was to tell mum Dr. Palmer was coming over. To check on John tell her what had happened. Why would he give that to John to keep a hold of? That was beyond retarded. Was he trying to kill himself? I knew he didn’t realize I had been there too and that whatever it was they did downstairs was probably worse than what had happened to me but, at least people had been there with him. To tell him it was ok. All I had had at the time was Teddy who told me to just do it and told me that if I just said what he wanted me to he’d finish faster. Like my feelings about it didn’t matter. Like it didn’t matter how sick and dirty it made me feel.

Like begging for him to fuck me and calling him daddy seemed like the most logical thing I could do. Yet John got to be fucked up. He didn’t even remember what had really happened to him and he was the one that was allowed to be fucked up. It made me so angry I almost cried as I stared at the phone. As I thought about John and how he had all these people that cared about him that he could talk to and instead he chose to dose himself with god knew what so he was acting like an idiot just like Cole and Pat. Where I had no one I could talk to. Not really, not besides Teddy.

Or Cole. Cole who had nearly thrown it in my face. That he knew. That he knew what Lionel had made me do. Who told me he was angry about it and that I should be angry to when all I wanted to do was forget it had ever happened. Forget that it was me.  
Forget that I knew Lionel. Forget that he wanted to do it again and again until he decided it was time to make me do it with someone else. To someone else.

I sighed pulling it together enough to knock on the nursery door. Me pulling it open to squeals and giggles as Mac and Andy took off down the hall naked chasing each other happily. For a minute it made my whole world feel bipolar.

“Oh love!” Mum sighed looking at me, “Go grab Mac before he wee’s on the floor.”

I turned running after him, “Come here you little monsters!” I laughed chasing him down and grabbing him his nose wrinkling and him kicking his chubby little legs out at me as I picked him up.

“You need at the very least a nappy. You can’t run around naked,” I told him.

“But I woottoo,” he mumbled.

“I’m not sure what that means but ok,” I told him taking him back to the nursey and putting him down in his crib that way he would give me some time as I went to go grab Andy. I met him at the entrance to the kitchen before I heard a voice quietly talking to him.

“Come here pretty boy,” I heard his voice like a low rumble.

I hadn’t heard the lift kick on but, my stomach felt tight like I was going to throw up. I didn’t even look at Ben as I grabbed Andy.

“It’s ok,” I told him even though I felt myself shaking, “It’s ok. You’re ok.”

“He mean,” Andy whispered in my ear and I nodded my head.

“Oh, I was going to p…”

“NO!” I shouted, “No you weren’t. You’ll never…”

“Who says? Are you going to stop me like a good big brother? I’m sure you yourself can attest that only works for so long,” he told me as I finally looked at him.

He looked happy pulling at himself through his pants. I could tell he was hard, the pantry door open behind him. The door mum had only recently become aware of. That was probably why I hadn’t heard the lift kick on.

I did the only thing I could think of knowing that if I tried to run with him Uncle Ben would follow and he would catch us. And then…only god knew what he would do. What he …how he would hurt Andy if he was given the chance.

“MUM!!!” I screamed as loudly and frantically as I could Uncle Ben’s face falling.

“You little fucker. So, you want a piece of this huh?” he asked me as I turned to run instead tripping and almost falling me letting Andy go.

“ANDY GO GET MUM! GO GET MUMMY NOW!” I said as Uncle Ben grabbed me by the back of the head like he was going to swing at me before he thought better of it sighing heavily.

“You’re so lucky you’re his right now. Otherwise your cheek would be nothing but a pile of mash. You ever had to eat through a straw before? I heard it’s not fun even if it does make a good diet. Instead I can fuck you raw. You want to be fucked raw? He says you like it, that you begged him for it. You want to feel my cock in your…”

“BENAJMIN!!! LEAVE MY SON ALONE OR YOU WILL NOT BE WALKING AWAY!” Mum hissed.

“That’s what you think Dani but that’s not true and you and I both know it,” he hissed, “You want to play that game I can beat you just as easily as I can beat him. Only question is who suffers more with which choice. Connor wouldn’t be very happy with me either way but he did leave me in charge so you decide.”

“Come on then,” Mum said coming towards us.

He had one of his knees dug into my back, his hand still on the back of my head pulling my hair. I had my eyes closed but I could hear her moving, I knew she was moving as he laughed before she smacked him. She came up and smacked him hard enough across the cheek the sound bounced off the walls of the kitchen. He just laughed.

He laughed before he let me go his knee still in my back. I opened my eyes just in time to see him and pushed her. He pushed her hard enough he knocked her over and clear across the room sliding across the floor and nearly into the living room. I heard him sigh in a satisfied fashion before his hand went back to my hair.

“What do you say? Will you beg for me baby?” he asked me.

It felt hard to breathe. I’m not sure if it was because of the knee in my back and his weight pressing on me like that or if it was because mum had heard most of what he had said or if it was because I was scared but, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I saw my mum move, heard her cough. She looked shaky like she was in a lot of pain her breathing heavy but she was still attempting to get up.

“Don’t,” Mum said him, “Benjamin please don’t.”

She couldn’t help me. I knew she couldn’t help me. And I wouldn’t put it past him to rape me in front of her and that was something I didn’t want her to see. That was something no one needed to see.

“Please don’t,” I whimpered at him his knee still digging into my back, “Don’t hurt her.”

“Yeah? Are you going to play with me then?” he asked me the pressure on my back lessening.

I closed my eyes shaking my head. I didn’t want to. But it was just mum and me. John was so out of it he was probably sleeping again. He was probably…completely passed out. I was surprised the babies weren’t screaming but it was better me than Andy or Mum.

“Benjamin don’t,” mum begged again as Uncle Ben picked me up throwing me over his shoulder.

I was still in my PJ’s a pair of plaid PJ pants and a white shirt that fell forward over my shoulder nearly fall off as gravity worked him smacking my ass lightly laughing.

“Be thankful your son loves you. Now go take care of your other kids,” Ben said.

“Benjamin please. I’m begging you don’t do this to him. You don’t need to do this to him,” Mum said.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m not allowed to hurt him. Badly,” he said probably laughing at the look on her face, “I’ll do him a favor and take the elevator down. He’ll be less likely to bump his head that way.

While he said this, I was holding onto my shirt. Doing the only thing I could really do because I was afraid if I fought, if he got mad at me he’d hit her because he couldn’t hit me. He’d proven that with Mike. That because he couldn’t hit me he’d hit someone else and Da wasn’t here to stop him. He walked past her and to the lift me struggling to keep my shirt even if it wouldn’t really do me that much good because he was going to take it anyway.

I don’t remember mum trying to follow us to the lift. I remember once the door was shut him letting me down gently so I was laying on the lift floor for a second. He smiled down at me as I righted myself so I was no longer laying on my head.

“Yeah, we’ll have fun,” he told me, “Can you be a good boy?”

That’s what I was. I was a boy. I was a child and he wanted to…he liked doing it. I knew he did. If he didn’t he wouldn’t have done it. He would have never even started.

Before I could stop myself a whimper broke. He was going to make me beg for it. Just like Lionel had. For all I knew he was going to make me call him Daddy too. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to do it.

“Don’t cry like a little bitch unless you want to be treated like one. Bet you’d like that though. Me breeding you like a little bitch. Like he breeds you because I know he does. I’ve played with him often enough to know how he plays. How hot it is. It makes you want to just whip it out and shove it down his special friend’s throat until he gags on it. God just thinking about it makes me hot. You spread wide open. Such a fucking sexy little slut,” he said staring down at me before he reached down and yanked me up by my arms hard. Hard enough it hurt.

I was shaking as the lift opened. As he started dragging me down the hall before the doorbell rang. Me freezing as he stopped his grip loosening, “Who the fuck could that be?” he muttered more to himself then to me before he let me go leaving me upstairs in the hallway and going up to the door.

“Vic? What are you doing?” he asked him frowning.

“I huh, I got a call. From one of the kids. Said John was acting funny,” Vic said sounding nervous.

“I didn’t even realize John was home. Even though I was pleasantly surprised to find my favorite one home too. You come to hit that?”

“What? No, I came to make sure he’s ok,” Vic said laughing lightly, “ I mean it’s not a horrible idea but I’m sure Danielle is up there and that would create a lot of explaining if she walked in on that.”

“Well. I guess you could come in,” Ben said, “I would invite you to play but you have to ask Lionel.”

Vic came up the stairs and saw me where I had slid down wrapping my arms around my knees my back against the wall. His eyes went wide as he looked from me to uncle Ben.

“Do you have…,” Vic made a sound in the back of his throat, “I thought you weren’t allowed to mess with him.”

“There are rules to it. I have permission three times a week to make sure he stays ready,” Ben said, “I can call him for you. You could give him a whirl. Lionel’s working on his role-playing skills.”

“No, I’m…I’m ok,” Vic said, “Well, I’ll go check on his brother. He’s probably more my speed anyway.”

“But the little ones are so tight. This one’s so fucking tight every time. He can make me nut two or three times,” Uncle Ben told him.

“How he looks like a fucking mouse?” Vic questioned making a noise that was either out of amusement and shock or disgust.

I felt sick making a whimpering noise and closing my eyes pulling myself into a tighter ball. They were talking about me like I was some animal. Like I couldn’t understand what they were saying about me. Like I couldn’t understand Uncle Ben was commenting on me…on what my body felt like.

“He makes the sweetest sounds too,” Uncle Ben commented, “I just wish Lionel would let me use my mouth but you know Lionel and his boys.”

“Yeah,” Vic commented shifting like he was uncomfortable glancing at me for just a second, “Only he can use his mouth on them.”

“Yeah like that’s more intimate then fucking? I mean really? It’s laughable but his boy his rules,” Uncle Ben said, “Well anyway if you’re not going to call to ask him if you can join us you should go check on the other one.”

“Right,” Vic said shooting me a small smile, “I’ll see you later. Huh, have fun Ben.”

Uncle Ben nodding his head smiling before he offered me his hand, “Come on baby.”

I looked up at him reluctantly. I knew he wasn’t going to play by the rules. Whatever the rules were. I wasn’t stupid. I knew my Uncle. I knew he didn’t play by anyone’s rules. That he was going to do whatever it was he wanted to me. Lionel or no Lionel as long as it wasn’t something Lionel could see he didn’t care. He wouldn’t.

“Come on, you don’t need to be afraid,” he said sounding like Lionel.

That was something he didn’t do often. That was something he only did when he wanted to…when he wanted to go slow. Which was rare but had happened. I could feel my whole body shaking as I looked at him. Me trying not to be afraid by reminding myself if it wasn’t me it was someone else. It was probably going to be Andy and Andy was too little. It would hurt him so bad he would never get over it. Just like James would never get over what Lionel had made him do. That I’d done it before so it didn’t have to be a big deal.

“Come on, before it’s someone else. You think I can’t go upstairs and grab that sweet little piece. Imagine how much he’ll squirm and squeal. Probably like a little kitten. Imagine how badly I’ll tear him apart. I guess it’s a good thing Vic’s here if that’s the case. Sow him back up. Make him good as new when I’m done with him,” Uncle Ben said holding out his hand for me to take.

“No, I’ll…,” I sighed taking his hand and letting him help me up.

He slid his hand down my forearm taking my hand into his and walking me down the hall to his bedroom. Opening the door. So, I was right. This was going to be slow, painful. Not physically but…in other ways. Him shutting the door once we were both in the room and locking it.

He didn’t waste any time stripping himself of his clothes. Him grabbing me by the shoulders and massaging them gently as I shivered. As I shook before he picked me up bridal style and dropped me on his bed climbing on top of me smiling.

“You’re so beautiful baby,” he said caressing my cheek and chin, “I’ve missed you. I always miss you.”

He leaned in kissing me making me squirm. I made a humming sound pushing at him, trying to push him away him pinning my hands up above my head and squeezing.

“I won’t play that game. I can’t hurt you. You want to do that I will go get your brother. He won’t even know what’s happening. He’ll laugh and giggle as I tickle him and kiss his chest and then his tummy. He won’t even know what’s happening. He’ll probably laugh and giggle as I start licking and kissing that sweet little cocklet. He’ll laugh and squeal and squirm until I lock my mouth around him and start sucking just like John did until I don’t pull away and let him go and then he’ll start screaming and crying. You want that for him? You want him to squeal and scream as I suck him off and shove my fingers into him?” he threatened.

I shook my head. No, I didn’t want that. I didn’t want that for him. Not ever. He was just baby. Uncle Ben was right he was just a baby and he wouldn’t understand until it started hurting him, scaring him. No baby deserved that. No one deserved that. Especially not any of my little brothers.

“Then let me…,” he lifted my shirt exposing my torso starting to kiss and lick my nipples.

I whimpered before I could stop myself. His hand undoing the draw string on my pants. Me grabbing the head board as his hand played with the skin on my lower belly. Staring to kiss and lick it before he looked up at me an evil smile playing on his face.

“That’s right make sounds for me baby,” he said, “Take off your shirt.”

I felt frozen. He wanted me to…he was going to make me, I felt my face glowing red with shame. I could tell that’s where this was going. Him clearing his throat as he looked at me a smile playing on his face.

“Do it or it’s Andy. You know she can’t stop me,” he said.

I sighed my whole body shaking as I took off my shirt lifting it up over my head and throwing it on the floor. Him yanking my pants down and off leaving me in just my underwear laying on his bed, him next to me leaning over me on his knees smiling at me.

“Did he do this?” he asked me, “Look at you and love on you like this?”

Had he run his hands all over my body as I tried not to shiver and shake? Had Lionel done that? Yeah, of course he had. He had kissed and bit up and down each one of my legs. He had…done everything to me. He had made me do everything.

I nodded my head remembering his warning. That if it wasn’t me, if I didn’t do what he wanted it was going to be Andy.

“Did he play with this?” he asked me grabbing me through my underwear smiling at me when I jumped my eyes going wide.

I nodded my head again him rolling my briefs down my hips leaning over me and kissing and nipping at the skin under my belly button making me whimper again as my legs started to shake.

“Did you make you beg for it? Make you beg him to suck you? To taste that sweet cream?” he asked me pulling my underwear down exposing me, “You’re always so sweet. Beg me for it.”

I gulped. Was he joking? He wouldn’t. Please no he wouldn’t. I wasn’t that person. I wasn’t.

“I know he made you practice it, please. Fuck me daddy? Try suck me Benny. Or I’ll make Andy say it. His little baby voice,” he made a high-pitched baby voice, “Please Benny please suck my pee pee.”

He wouldn’t. He wouldn’t. I shook my head. He wouldn’t do that to Andy.

“Say it,” he said looking at me expectantly.

I swallowed knowing I had to. Just let Lionel had made me. That if I didn’t he’d hurt him. Because Ben didn’t lie about stuff like that.

“Ben…Benny s-s-suck me,” I barely managed before I let out a sob.

“Don’t cry. I want someone to cry I’ll go get him,” He warned me, “Say it again. Say it like a proper slut.”

“Suck ma-me Benny,” I said calmer this time with less stuttering.

“Yeah?” he said smiling at me as he started licking and kissing below my belly button again, “You want it?”

I closed my eyes so I didn’t have to see his face as I nodded my head feeling how hot my face was. How stupid I felt. What a slut I was. His mouth going around me making me feel like my face was on fire as that tingle started first in my genitals and then started moving up my body, up my spine.

My whole body was shaking with the effort of trying to…not let him do it. Not let him make me feel like that. Me making little wheezing sounds as he touched me as he licked and rolled his tongue all over me. Me starting to pant heavily and loudly as I got closer and closer. Me wishing he would just stop. That he would just let me go and stop my face burning hot.

I squeezed the head board, turning my fist white as my body gave over to him. Gave him what he wanted him sucking it down making greedy sounds just like Lionel had before he barked at me.

“Open your fucking eyes,” he said smiling as I opened them, “Better. I like seeing your eyes baby ok? Don’t close your eyes. Keep them open for me.”

I nodded my head numbly taking a deep breath. I felt tired. The way he had…made my body react feeling like it had drained all my energy away him climbing on top of me pressing his naked body to mine, grinding on me as I stared over his shoulder at nothing.

Trying to go away in my head as he slobbered on my neck and shoulders grinding against me, rubbing against my leg and kissing up the side of my face.

“You want me to fuck you? Or make love to you baby?” he asked me.

I still didn’t understand what the difference was and no I didn’t but I didn’t know what to say. I knew saying no would not be a good idea. That he would only threaten Andy again and I didn’t want to hear it. Hearing about it and what he wanted to do to him made me sick. It made me feel like I was going to throw up even more than usual when he touched me.

He bit my ear lobe making me whine, “Come on you have an answer? You want me to fuck you nice and fast or you want me to make deep slow, orgasmic love to you?”

Oh. I thought. So that was the difference. For him making love was…that. Both of us getting off instead of just him.

“Tell me you want me to make love to you. Say it. Say make love to me Benny,” he said pulling away to look at me.

“Ma…,” I swallowed trying again, “Make l-love to me Benny.”

“Yeah?” he asked me smiling as I felt my face turning red again and closed my eyes, “No baby eyes open. I want to see your eyes.”

I opened my eyes and nodded my head his smile growing as I did it.

“Ok, grab your knees,” he said as he got up.

He expected me to…to let him just…I sighed reminding myself why I was doing it. So, he didn’t hurt anyone else. So, he didn’t hurt mum or Andy. I sighed staring at him blankly as he came back waving a tube of lube at me.

“Come on baby. You want me to warm you up, you know you do,” he said.

I laid flat on my back and grabbed my knees like he asked because he was right. It always hurt less if they warmed you up. If they didn’t…you were more likely to bleed and hurt and walk funny so everyone who knew what it looked like would know.

“I understand why he enjoys this,” he said before he stared licking under my balls me letting out a yelp before I bit my bottom lip hard to keep myself from making another sound.

“No baby, I want to know you feel good. Let yourself make noise. Tell me to make love to you. Tell me what you want ok?” he told me.

I sighed daring to say it, “What if I …want you to…stop?”

“If you want me to stop it means you want me to fuck your brother. You really want that?” he asked me to which I shook my head, “Then don’t lie and say that’s what you want.” He muttered before he stared licking again at the sensitive skin down there. Causing me to make another sound my face getting even hotter as I heard the sounds he was drawing from me. Before he stuck his tongue in there.

I tried to bring my legs down on his head him manage to grab me quickly behind my knees and squeeze hard, “No no, don’t play that game.” He said stopping what he was doing, “I know you like it. He told me how much you like it. Guess this proves it huh? You boys always want me to stop when it gets really good. Makes me wonder why you don’t mind getting your dick sucked but you hate this. I mean this…,” he licked that stop again, “is really sensitive but this…” he said sticking his tongue back in me again making me gasp, “Isn’t always.”

I took a deep breath as I felt his finger starting to poke and circle him sliding it in making me hiss before he made a sound that I couldn’t place first a low hum, “I love the way you feel.” He told me, “Better than almost anyone. Always so tight and sweet. I bet I can make us both feel good. You want to feel good baby?”

This didn’t feel good. His finger in me moving in and out like that didn’t feel good. It felt like it was biting at me. Biting at me in a way that I can’t explain taking a piece away a little bit at a time. At my sanity or my…will, my soul. Something. Him slowly pressing in another finger making me let out a groan.

“I know baby I’ll find it. I promise. I’ll find it and we’ll both have fun ok?” he said leaving his one finger still while moving the other one in a slow circle pushing hard, making my stomach hurt a little bit before I felt that brush. My breath getting stuck in my chest as I felt that spark when he brushed it my mouth going wide as my back arched involuntarily into it.

“That’s it, isn’t it?” he said smiling, “That’s your button. You like it when I touch your button. No, no don’t close your eyes baby keep them open. God, you feel so good. I’m so hard. You want to feel how hard I am?” he muttered as he lined up starting to push into me letting out a satisfied groan as he started pushing into me.

“Please,” I begged.

I wasn’t begging him for more I was begging him to stop. I wanted him to stop. My ass burning as he slid in, pushed into me as far as he would go leaning forward over top of me, kissing my chest and chin.

“God yes,” he moaned before I realized what it felt like. Me panicking a little bit as he thrusted forward with his hips.

“Wait…,” I said shaking my head,

“It’s just me baby. No one has to know,” he said before he moaned pulling out and pushing in again.

“He’ll be mad,” I said shaking my head going to push him off as he grabbed my arms hard.

“But he won’t be in pain unlike your brother. And he doesn’t have to know. He doesn’t have to know his special boy is a slut. Not if you don’t tell him. I won’t tell him if you don’t,” he told me.

“Please,” I said trying to use my legs only to find that he was holding me in such away I couldn’t push him away with them. That I couldn’t get my legs against his hips bones to push him out, “Please Benny please.”

“Stop it or I’ll tell him. You think he’s going to punish me for it? For letting me fuck you without playing safe? No, no he won’t. He’ll blame you. You were the little slut who spread your legs in the first place. You want to be a bitch I’m going to breed you like a bitch. You want to be pregnant I’ll make you pregnant.”

My whole body started shaking me trying to squeeze him hard enough with my legs to make him stop moving, to make him stop…me shaking my head.

“NO! NO! STOP! STOP! PLEASE BENNY PLEASE!” I pleaded with him as he completely ignored how hard I was trying to squeeze his body with my legs just trying to get him to stop.

“Please, he’ll be so mad at me please,” I begged him before I started sobbing.

“But it feels so fucking good baby. You feel so fucking good,” he told me pushing hard thrusting faster him hitting that spot again making me still. Breaking something in me.

I realized he wasn’t going to stop. It didn’t matter how much I screamed or how upset Lionel would be. He was probably right Lionel would probably be mad at me instead. Because he had permission. He had permission to fuck me. I wasn’t sure if it was without a condom or even if Lionel would care. Lionel would be mad that I had asked Ben to stop. That I wasn’t being good.

“That’s it baby,” he moaned as he kept going even though I had gone limp trying to pull away, trying to ignore how my body was feeling my balls starting to feel hot and tight. My body starting to respond the way he wanted it to, “That’s my good boy. That’s right let me. Let me breed you baby. I love you so much. I love you so…,” he started groaning. 

His sounds turning wordless as he kept going. Me staring blankly at the ceiling past him until the heat and tightness got to be too much. Me knowing that’s what he wanted. That he wanted that from me. My legs starting to shake as I tried to hold back, tried to stay away, trying to stay disconnected from my body.

“That’s right baby let it happen, come for me. Come for me baby, come while I breed you. Oh god baby that’s it, that’s it just like …” I felt the heat push away from me coating our stomachs as he let out a loud cry before he grew still. Before he stopped moving me feeling that hot liquid. Me trying to stay numb. Trying to remind myself that it had to happen. That I didn’t have a choice. Him groaning after a minute staring at me as he started running his hand through my hair.

“This is what I love about you. You always get so tight. If I pull out right away I’ll hurt you and I don’t want to hurt you. I love being with you like this. This right here is heaven,” he said.

His heaven was my hell. I thought bitterly me going to close my eyes and him slapping my cheek lightly, “No no baby, I want to see your eyes. Don’t close your eyes. Just give it a minute. You’ll relax. I promise you’ll relax. You always do.”

I stared past him still. Not daring to look at him because I knew I would scream him waiting another minute or so and then pulling out leaving me laying there. He rubbed my chest and kissed the center of my sternum right between my nipples before he sighed happily.

“You just rest ok? I’m going go shower. I’ll be back in a little bit,” he said running his hand through my hair one more time before he got up.

I felt so numb I didn’t even curl into a ball I just laid there. Staring at nothing. I felt dead. That’s all I was now was someone to play their games with. Someone that would beg them for it so they could feel ok about it. So, they could tell themselves I wanted it. Maybe I did. Maybe I did want it and that was the problem. Maybe that’s why they made me say it. Because they knew I really wanted it. Because all I was, was some dirty slut.

That’s all I was. I knew that’s all I was. That my family didn’t need that shame. That my mum didn’t need a slut for a son.

I heard a sound me nearly jumping out of my skin as I looked at the door and heard it rattle and then a soft knock.

“Ben? Ben? It’s Vic can you let me in?” I heard Dr. Palmer say through the door.

No. No he wasn’t. He wasn’t. That brought me back. My whole body shaking as I tried to make sure I didn’t scream. Because if I screamed Ben would come back out and let him in and then he’d get to. No, please god no. Make me disappear. Anything, make me disappear. I slammed my hand over my mouth to make sure I didn’t sob out loud curling into the fetal position as I shook in fear. He wasn’t going to. Please, please no. Please. Just kill me. Just fucking kill me. Save all of them. Just fucking kill me.

“Ben?” Dr. Palmer called louder. “BEN!” he shouted banging hard on the door as I heard Ben sigh coming out of the bathroom a towel wrapped around his waist unlocking the door and pulling it open.

“WHAT?!” he shouted sounding annoyed.

“Oh, you were…?” Dr. Palmer trailed off.

“I thought you didn’t want in on it. You change your mind?” Ben asked him, “I was showering. I have a job I have to get to. You want him you can have him. Let me get dressed first though ok?”

I didn’t bother to look. I didn’t want to see Dr. Palmer that sick smile that would make my insides go cold. That would make me scream.

“Yeah, ok,” Dr. Palmer said before the door shut. I didn’t bother to look me trying to stop crying as Ben mostly ignored me still curled up on his bed. Him coming over and kissing my cheek my tears instantly drying.

“I have to go baby ok? Play nice with Vic. Do what he tells you and I’ll make sure Lionel never knows. He’ll think you’re his good perfect little boy ok?”

I swallowed forcing myself to nod my head to go numb again as I heard his footsteps recede and him mumble something to Dr. Palmer as he left shutting the door behind him. I waited to feel him. To feel him standing over me, to feel his hands on my body making me…do those things again. Make me tell him that I wanted him to suck me and fuck me and whatever else it was he wanted just thinking about making me start to sob. Me not able to fight it anymore when I felt him sit on the bed behind me.

“Just kill me, please just kill me. Don’t do it please, please don’t please,” I begged him probably barely understandable I was sobbing so hard.

“I’m not going to hurt you Will ok? I’m not,” Dr. Palmer muttered as I waited to feel his hands on me.

Of course, he wouldn’t. They never wanted to hurt me but they always did. They always said they wouldn’t hurt me and then they did.

“No, I’m not…it’s not like that. I need to make sure you’re ok. Is there anything I can get you?” he said quietly.

“Please don’t, please,” I said before I broke down into wordless earth-shattering sobs. I still waited to feel his hands on me but he didn’t touch me. Him grabbing a blanket from somewhere and setting it over me gently letting me scream.

I don’t even remember him leaving the room but in a minute, I heard the lift and then it all went silent me finally managing to stop screaming slowing my breathing down to little hiccups as I tried to get myself under control. As I tried to calm down the lift kicking on again and then opening with two sets of footsteps echoing through the halls one moving faster than the other.

I didn’t want Vic to touch me. Not ever. Not him not any of them ever. They made me a slut. I knew it was already in me but that made that part come out. Them touching me made that part of me come out and it was bad and dirty and disgusting and something no one else ever needed to know.

“Will love,” I heard her voice, “Will love, it’s ok.”

It wasn’t ok. I was dirty she shouldn’t be here. She shouldn’t see this. I wasn’t ok I was disgusting.

“No,” I said before I started crying and shaking again, “Go away.”

“Love, I’m not going to go away ok?” she told me, “I told you I would never disappear on you and I won’t.”

“I’m…,” I barely managed.

“You have nothing to be sorry about. Don’t you say that. Don’t you say that. The only one who needs to be sorry right now is that sick son of a bitch ok? You did nothing wrong love. Nothing.” She insisted.

She was wrong. She was so wrong and I couldn’t tell her why. I had begged for it. Begged for him to do those things. Told him it was ok. That made me guilty. That made me sick. She would know that. She would.

I started crying again her pulling me into her arms curling up with me, “Shhh…you’re safe now. You’re safe. Oh god help us, help us.” She started crying too, “I’m so sorry love. I’m so sorry.”

I heard Vic clear his throat, “Danielle I’m …could you…?”

She sniffed, “Yeah,” she said, “Love Vic’s going to give you something to make you feel better.”

He shouldn’t touch me. He couldn’t touch me no one of them should be touching me I was dirty and gross and a slut that’s all I was. I tried to push her away.

“No, no he can’t, he can’t,” I started begging her started screaming.

It was all a buildup of what I had been holding back. Of what Lionel had done over and over and over of what Uncle Ben had done and Da. Of what all of them had done. My whole body shivering again at just the thought of them touching me. Of Dr. Palmer bringing that piece of me out again especially in front of my mum.

She squeezed me tighter, “It’s ok love he won’t hurt you. He’s not going to do anything to you I’m right here. He’s just going to give you something to make you feel better ok? That’s all love I swear to you that’s all.”

“Ok,” Dr. Palmer said, “Just a poke ok and 1…2…poke,” he said as he held my bicep for just a second before he poked me with a needle.

That was it? That was what he was doing to make me feel better? Mum running her hand through my hair rocking with me, “It’s ok my love. It’s ok. Shhh…calm…calm…”

Her smell around me made my crying slow again slow down to another hiccup. Me hearing him ask her something and her ask something back. Something about how long it would take to work and him saying only three or four minutes before my eye lids started to feel heavy before they closed and I don’t remember anything else.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will learns some things about Vic and his past while thinking about the present and building hopes for the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 491 to 509. It's short chapter but, a nice one I think, **Warnings: Mental health issues, talk of sexual abuse, anxiety, PTSD, talk of drug use/drinking.**

Next thing I remember I was in my own room staring up at the ceiling as I blinked slowly. I felt groggy. Not tired but I felt like something was off. Something felt not right. My head feeling slightly weird.

I sighed thankful I was back in my room even if I felt a little weird me pulling the covers up over my arms and realizing I was naked. I was having a little bit of trouble recalling what had happened until I thought about it. Mum hitting the floor and sliding and then…I sighed heavily as there was a light knock on my door.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“So, you are awake then?” Dr. Palmer asked opening the door.

I nodded my head.

“Are you ok?” he asked me.

“A little confused but yeah,” I admitted.

“Confused about what? Do you know what happened?” he asked me quietly pulling my desk chair up to my beside.

“Uncle Ben,” I answered and Vic nodded his head as I looked at him remembering why he was there.

“Is John ok?” he asked me.

“Yeah, it was what I suspected it was. He mixed what was left with some alcohol which heightened the effects. It doesn’t always knock you unconscious just some times knocks you silly. Which I think is what happened in his case. Your mom and I searched his room and found his stash. So that was fun. He admitted that he was pretty sure the eyes in his dreams that he kept mumbling about were their eyes. The eyes of the guys who…were at the Villa. Do you remember what was going on before you woke up here?”

“Kind of but not really,” I said quietly.

“I knocked on the door to find you curled up in the fetal position. If he hadn’t of been done I was planning on saying something or making an excuse to get you away but he was so he got dressed and left. You were shaking and crying. I tried to comfort you and get you to talk to me and you started screaming and crying. William, you told me to kill you,” he said looking at me.

“I don’t remember that,” I said the memory coming back to me but feeling fuzzy almost like a dream.

“It’ll come back to you it’ll just take some time. You were very not in a good place. I can’t blame you for that but after you said that I left and I went and got your mum. You tried to push her away and you were…I was afraid if we left you alone you were going to hurt yourself so I gave you a shot of Ativan about a Milgram it’s a very strong drug and it put you to sleep. Then we brought you upstairs. You feel like your brain is tired?”

I nodded my head. He had really thought I was going to hurt myself if they hadn’t of given that to me? That I was going to do something bad to myself? I remembered just not wanting it to happen again. Just wanting it to stop. The thought of another person touching me, doing those things to me making me wish I could just go away and never come back.

“Will, I want to ask you something ok?” he said and I nodded my head.

“I won’t tell you mom, I won’t tell anyone but what did Lionel do?”

I shook my head. I wouldn’t…he would think I was gross, sick. That I wanted it. That I was some sort of freak and Lionel was right to make me because I wanted it. He looked at me his eyes sympathetic.

“Listen, what Lionel does he’s been doing for a very long time. People like him usually follow a pattern. Every couple of years he has a new boy. I’m sure you figured that one out. That he has a type. Think of what you know about me ok? Think really hard, what do you know about me?”

“You like wearing yellow,” I answered saying the first thing that came to mind and he smiled widely, “Did I say something wrong?”

“No,” he said, “I just didn’t realize I wore it that often. It’s my favorite color though. Probably explains why I do even if I don’t really think about it. Keep going, tell me about me like I’m not myself. Like you’re describing me to someone else.”

“You’re a doctor and you like helping people. You hate seeing people get hurt. You’re protective and you have to be smart because you wouldn’t be a doctor if you weren’t. You love Flynn. He’s your boyfriend. You’re…gay?” I asked him quietly and he nodded his head.

“It’s ok to say it. What else?” he asked me.

“You have brown hair but it’s a light brown like maybe you were blond as a kid. Huh, blue eyes. You’re around six feet and you’re thin but not super thin. You try to be honest with people if you think it will help them and…” My eyes went wide understanding what he might be getting at.

“You find it?” he asked me quietly.

I nodded my head. Feeling ashamed. Thinking about what he was saying. Making me wonder how old he was and if there was anyone before him. Realizing how much about his past I didn’t know but I knew he was mostly private his face flushing when he had called Flynn button, his nervous laughter as he realized I was right there.

I realized that’s something I would probably do. Get nervous and try to shake it off. Try to make it seem like it was no big deal if only to save the person I was with embarrassment at accidentally saying something so private in front of someone else. Even if I was burning with shame and fear on the inside. Maybe he wasn’t just private because he was my doctor but because of other reasons.

“How old were you?” I asked him.

“What do you mean?” he asked me quietly.

“When your Dad joined the brotherhood?” I asked him.

“I was born into it. He’s Legacy. Do you mean to ask how old I was when I remember Lionel?” he asked me which caused my face to heat up feeling ashamed I was asking, “Will, it’s ok. It’s ok to ask I’m not embarrassed about it. If I let my embarrassment get the best of me I wouldn’t have allowed you to come to the correct conclusion ok? I was six. Lionel was 42 just about considering we’re talking 20 years ago. There were many more boys before me. By then he had his…routine down I guess you could call it. I was his until I was around your age. So, I know everything that you know ok?”

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked him.

“Because I want you to know I know. But it’s important that you ta…”

“No,” I shook my head, “No. Everyone will know.”

“Know what Will?” he asked me, “The things he makes you say he makes you say them to make himself feel better. To use them as an excuse and convince himself it’s something other then what it is. He makes you say them to make you feel guilty and it’s working. I can see it in your face.”

I shook my head, “You told me not to talk about it. Not ever.”

“I didn’t say not to ever talk about it. I said to keep it from your mom and your brother until you guys were somewhere safe. That means until you’re away from here where he can’t hurt you or them. That doesn’t mean you can never talk about it. Just not while you’re still here. I want you to tell them, I do. I just want you to do it when you’re all going to be safe. You need to talk about it to them, to someone.”

“I talked to Cole,” I told him, “And Teddy.”

“I have a feeling it was more them doing the talking. And that’s good. It’s good you’ll listen to people that understand what you’re going through but, just because they are have gone through the same experience does not mean they understand completely how you feel. You’re your own person Will.

You have your own feelings and those feelings are building up. I’ve had a lot of boys in a panic plead with me not to hurt them because they were afraid I was going to or they weren’t aware that it was me and not someone else, ok Will? Whatever Lionel is doing to you you’re taking it very hard. So please, talk to me if you aren’t going to talk to anyone else,” he told me, “Talk to someone. Let it out. I won’t tell anyone I swear to you. Not your mom or your brother or Cole, no one. I promise.”

“He makes me…,” I swallowed closing my eyes trying to breathe. Just the fear of saying it too much making me feel like the air had turned to poison. Making me feel like it was suffocating me, “He made me ask him to…to do it. He knows he knows I wan...want someone t-t-to…” I trailed off.

“Hey, hey listen to me.” Dr. Palmer said, “Just because one day you might want someone to do those things doesn’t give him permission to do them ok? It doesn’t mean it’s ok for him to make you do those things not ever. Just because you say yes to one person someday does not mean everyone else can do it too ok? That’s not what it means. It means you trust the person you say yes to. It means you hopefully care about the person you say yes to. That doesn’t mean anyone is allowed to do it but the person you say yes to ok? He’s making you say yes so, you’ll feel like it’s your fault. Like you maybe wanting that one day means it’s ok for him to do it and it’s not. It’s not ok. Him doing that to you, making you say those things does not make it ok. I understand that and any person with a brain will understand that. You have nothing to be ashamed about. You have done nothing wrong Will. I swear you have done nothing wrong.”

I nodded my head. I understood what he was saying but I didn’t feel it. I didn’t feel it. If that was true then why did…?

“Why did Uncle Ben make me say it too? How did he know?” I asked him.

“Your Uncle and Lionel talk. Lionel likes your uncle and he probably told him some things. How you reacted to them and your Uncle used that against you. Lionel knows you won’t tell anyone. He knows you’ll be too ashamed to ever really tell anyone. Or at least ashamed for a very very long time. I want you to know there is nothing for you to be ashamed of ok? Not a single thing you need to be ashamed of. You have done nothing wrong and none of this is your fault.” Dr. Palmer told me.

“I don’t know,” I said quietly shrugging my shoulders.

“Look, I know nothing I can tell you is going to make you believe that it’s not. But sometimes when people feel bad about something it clouds their ability to think about it clearly. What if Mike or maybe one-day Andy comes up to you and tells you that Lionel did the same thing to them. What would you tell them? What would you tell them if they told you it was their fault because he made them say those things? Say that they wanted it? What would you tell them?”

“That he made me do it too. Because he’s mean. Because he wanted to hurt me,” I said.

Me saying that out loud helped it click a little bit. That maybe Dr. Palmer was right. Maybe it wasn’t my fault and it didn’t make it ok. That them making me say I wanted it didn’t mean that I did. Or that if I did want it, that it was ok but that didn’t mean I wanted it from them. That I was allowed to choose who I wanted to do that with and it was my right to not want it from them. To wish I could say no to them.

He smiled sadly at me and nodded his head, “And that’s what I’m telling you. He’s doing it to hurt you. To make himself believe it’s ok. But it doesn’t. Just because you might have those thoughts or feelings does not make it ok for him to take those and make you do things that you aren’t ready for. You understand?”

“I think so,” I told him, “But why do I feel so…dirty?”

“Because he’s…all of them really have made you think it’s you. It’s not on you. They’re the adults. They’re the ones in charge. They’re the ones that have control over themselves not you. You can’t control anything they do. You can’t control how they think, what they do. None of it. That’s on them. It’s on them to control themselves not on you. There is nothing you could say or do to convince them not to hurt you if they want to hurt you ok?” Dr. Palmer told me.

I nodded my head something about his words helping me relax. So, it wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t me. Even if something about me was different that made them want to do those things to me it didn’t give them permission to actually do it. That they should be able to control themselves and it wasn’t on me to get rid of whatever it was. To try and make it go away so they would stop. That it was on them to not hurt me. Not on me to make them stop wanting to hurt me.

“You don’t need to die Will ok? You dying won’t make anything better. The only thing that is going to make this better if you and your family get away and I’m going to help you guys do that. It’s already all set up we’re just waiting for the right time but it’s going to be soon ok? I want you to know that. That you’ll be out of this soon. I know you’re smart and you won’t say anything about it to any of them. You just have to act like everything is normal.,” he assured me.

I nodded my head, “So mum won’t be mad at me? For saying those things?” I asked him.

“No, your mom loves you very much. Even if she does find out they made you say those things she won’t blame you. She’s smarter than that ok? She knows you’re just a boy and that they’re adults ok? I promise.” He tried to assure me.

I nodded my head. I understood what he was saying but I had a hard time believing it. Believing that she wouldn’t think any of it was my fault especially if she ever found out I’d asked them to fuck me or make love to me. That it didn’t matter if they had made me say it or not that she would still think it was me. That it was my fault. The badness inside of me.

“Are you feeling ok?” he asked me suddenly, “Any pain?”

“Just the normal pain and I feel kind of sticky and itchy,” I answered feeling my face flush pink, “You know…down there.”

“That’s because you were passed out so you haven’t showered. I’m going to go check on your brother again and you can take care of all of that ok?”

“Ok,” I said, “Thank you Dr. Palmer. For helping us.”

“You don’t have to thank me Will. You and your brothers are very brave boys. Very strong boys and I know if you get out of here you’ll all thrive. I want to know you’re thriving. Just take care of each other.” He told me smiling before he got up and opened the door.

Mum was standing at the door a shocked look on her face as she stood there frozen her hand in the shape of a fist like she was about to knock on my door.

“I thought you were with John,” Mum said looking at Dr. Palmer.

“I was about to go see him. Just wanted to check on Will,” Dr. Palmer said before he leaned in and whispered something to her.

“Yeah, I know I’ll put it in a box. Are you sure they will accept it?” she asked him.

“They might throw it out but it’s still evidence that something happened. Especially because of his age. Just make sure you put the box inside another box and make sure you take it with you,” he said.

“I will,” she said as Dr. Palmer walked away her looking past him and smiling at me, “How are you doing love?”

“I’m ok. I need a shower,” I said quietly.

“I know. I can run the water for you if you like,” she told me.

“Thank you,” I said to which she went into the bathroom and turned on the water.

“Love I have a question,” she called from the bathroom.

“Yeah mum?” I asked her afraid of what her question was.

“When did you call Vic?” she asked me.

“Before Uncle Ben came upstairs,” I answered, “I went to go check on John and he was acting drunk but not like normal drunk. There was something off so I called him. I was coming to tell you when Andy and Mac ran out. That’s when he…he was talking to Andy mum. He was telling Andy he wanted to see him. He was going to hurt him. I know he was going to hurt him and I couldn’t…I couldn’t let him. I couldn’t.”

“That’s why you shouted? Because that’s why I came. I heard you shout and Andy to run and come get me,” she told me as she held out her arm to help me off the bed.

She knew I was sore. She didn’t know details but usually she didn’t ask for them. It was only recently that she had because she had felt I was holding back, holding onto things I shouldn’t and she had been right.

I sighed and allowed her to help me up the pain shooting up the back of my thighs as I stood causing me to moan, “Why does it always hurt so bad?” I said more to myself than to mum.

“Because you fight it so hard. And I’m very proud of you that you do,” she told me softly.

I felt the blush spreading across my face because one I was naked, two I was sore and three she had complimented me on fighting. It made me wonder if she thought I shouldn’t fight or if she thought I didn’t want to. It made me wonder what she thought about me.

“I don’t fight that hard,” I mumbled as she helped me waddle to the bathroom.

“You fight hard enough,” she said, “You’re arms and legs are bruised. The backs of your knees, your forearms and biceps. You’re bruised all over so you must have put up a decent fight. As much of a fight as you could muster and that makes me proud to be your mum.”

That comment made me wonder. When she had found the time to look. To look close enough to see the bruises on the backs of my knees and thighs. It made me feel embarrassed wondering why she had looked that close at my body. What else she had looked at.

She helped me over the side of the tub and I sat down her closing the curtain for me.

“It was good you called Vic when you did,” she said.

“It was luck,” I answered shrugging my shoulders even though she couldn’t see me, “Mum he told me he wanted to hurt Andy. That if I didn’t do what he wanted he was going to hurt him. He really wanted to hurt Andy he told me the stuff he wanted to do to him.”

“Ok,” Mum said quietly, “You want to talk about it, love?”

“That he was going to put his mouth there. That he was going to kiss him and then shove his fingers in…in there. That he was going to hurt him. And that Andy is so little at first, he wouldn’t even know what was happening. That he’d laugh and giggle like John did. He said John was little. Little like Andy’s little. Is that true mum?”

She was quiet for a minute and then I heard it barely above a whisper, barely over the water that was raining down on me, “Yes love. He was. John was just wee.”

“When did you meet Da and Uncle Ben?” I asked her.

“I was just a little older then John is now. I started dating him, your Da. When we were 16 we decided that we were going to end up marrying. He convinced me that we should do somethings that were…sinful. We conceived. The only thing we could do was marry. It was the right thing and the responsible thing and I thought he loved me. Around two years before we were married your grandfather died in a car wreck. Him and Ben didn’t have anyone else. There wasn’t anyone to take care of Ben and he was just little. He was at boarding school while your Da and I did most of our courting and he didn’t come to live with us until he got kicked out of school I can’t remember what for but then he came to live with us and he was around the same age John is now.

I had your brother right after I turned 17. I didn’t even know anything was off until I walked in on your Da and your Uncle. He explained it to me. Saying he knew it was wrong, but that was the way they were raised that he had to fight it. That he would never do that to our children. To our babies. He sent Ben away to a different school. He had to switch schools a lot. Different boarding schools because they kept having problems with him. Behavioral issues. When he was 14 your Da gave up on sending him away and we all moved to New York. John was four and you were two the first time I ever caught your Uncle doing anything to him. It was shortly after that point that you’re Da admitted he might…share some of those thoughts.

He entered a type of therapy here in the US and I thought it was working for him helping him and he sent your Uncle away because he was 16 set him up in his own apartment. I thought things were getting better until I found a shoebox in the top of the coat closet and it full of pictures of…boys. In varying states of undress. There were a couple in there of you and John in the bathtub. John was around eight at the time. Your Da and I got into a fight about it. I told him that it was unnatural and he should pray and he did he prayed on it and he had heard of this treatment center in Germany and he decided he wanted to go. So, we enrolled you older boys into boarding school. For almost the first year your Da was at a live-in facility trying to get control of his thoughts and desires. The second year he transferred to just going to intensive therapy three times a week but he’d come home to us for Friday Saturday and Sunday. The next two years after that it was once a week. Then last year around July he told me he was thinking of taking a job offer that Mr. Lord gave him but it required moving back here.

I asked him about it. About how his treatment was going and I was under the impression that it was no longer an issue. So, I agreed. I wasn’t even sure that …you’re Da kept swearing to me, swearing to God that those thoughts and feelings were gone. That he’d never felt better and surer of how wrong those ideas were. We talked about his upbringing how that’s where he started thinking that way. And he said he would never subject you boys to that. Not ever again. He lied.

If I had thought even for a second he was lying I wouldn’t have let him take you. I wouldn’t have ever let him back in the house after that year of treatment at that hospital. John and you have told me almost nothing about your Da yourselves but I have talked to Dr. Palmer and he has told me he has heard things from your Da himself about some of the things that I wasn’t aware were occurring.” Mum told me.

I was sitting there listening to her talk, explain everything. Making me wonder what Dr. Palmer had told her, what Da had told him.

“What did Vic say about me?” I asked quietly, “Say that Da said about me?”

“That you were young but old enough to understand what was happening. That you’re Da told Vic you used to cry and ask him not to until…until one night he left you alone when you asked and he did things to John that …you didn’t take that well. That after that you never said no or complained you just did what you were told. He said your Da described in detail the first time he ever…penetrated you, sodomized you. That your Da described to Vic how scared you were. How upset you were. How you didn’t stop crying. He didn’t tell me what those details were but, it was horrific enough knowing you were so young. That you never said anything to me about any of it. That you never trusted me enough to tell me,” Mum said.

“He told me you’d be mad. That you’d be jealous and hate me. I believed him,” I said my brain reflexing back on that moment. The pillow under me because I was sore, me feeling so small in that seat beside him as he told me about how jealous they would be, “I remember being confused and thinking it was silly but he made it sound true. I don’t know why I never said anything about it.”

“Maybe because it was confusing and scary. Vic told me it hurts. That it’s very painful. I can’t even imagine. I’m sorry I was never able to see it,” she said sounding like she was sniffling, like she had been crying silently.

“It’s not your fault mum. That you couldn’t see it,” I said, “I…he told me not to tell about any of it. That it was like eating foods you don’t like sometimes. That it would make me big and strong that…I was stupid.”

“You weren’t stupid you a wee one,” Mum said, “The only one who was stupid there was me. I should have seen it. I should have left him the moment he told me there was nothing wrong with what your Uncle…what I found him doing to your brother. I shouldn’t have…I should have left. And now…my boys. I’m so sorry. If I could find a way to undo what it is I’ve done to you I would.”

“You didn’t do anything mummy,” I said pulling open the curtain to look at her, “You didn’t do this.

“I feel like I did,” she sighed to me, “Take your shower now. Soon we’ll be out of here ok? Just act like everything is fine and do what I asked you to on the night we leave.”

She left me there. Probably to wash myself and what not because I was 10 I didn’t need my mum there especially after…all of that. I felt sad though. Sad that she though it was her fault. You might think I would have been angry that she admitted she should have left Da behind but she didn’t. That she admitted Dr. Palmer had told her somethings that I didn’t even know he was aware of. Things that I had certainly not planned to share with mum. Ever.

So even if she didn’t know the detail she knew. She knew about the first time he had ever raped me. That I had been eight years old. She knew about him climbing into my bed at night. She knew more or less about everything Da had told me not to tell her which was well, everything.

My day felt awesome. My whole weekend had really rocked in the worst way possible and staying home from school seemed to have only extended my suffering. At least I wasn’t covered in funk anymore. I washed myself several times before I finally got out of the shower. Me coming out and finding John sitting on the couch in his PJ’s in the one living room. I didn’t usually hang out in that living room upstairs, no one usually did but, I had heard James at the piano. Causing me to go out there.

John looked tired but was sitting on the couch holding hands with Pat as Cole sat nearby watching TV. I sighed. I wasn’t sure I wanted to deal with anyone. I mean I cared about Pat and Cole and considered them my friends but, I was tired. Still kind of numb.

I was sure that mum had probably told John what had happened. What Uncle Ben had done. It made me think of mum laying in that collapsed pile again sliding across the tiled floor near the kitchen when he had pushed her away. All of the things he had said my head feeling strange again things going out of focus.

I must have made a sound or something because all three of them looked Cole coming over and grabbing my arm forcing me to sit down in the chair he had just vacated.

“You’re ok Will,” he said quietly trying to soothe me, “Just breathe you’re ok.”

“It’s…I’m fine,” I lied, “I’m just tired.”

“Why don’t you go back to sleep then?” Cole asked me as John cleared his throat.

“Will? Can I…talk to you for a minute?” he asked me to which I nodded my head.

“Cole, Pat could you two…?” John trailed off and they both nodded their heads going down the hallway to leave us there alone. James still gently playing the piano in the background on the other side of the hallway. The sound almost soothing bringing me back to where I was making my head feel less cloudy.

He sighed looking at me before he sat down in the seat closest to me so I could hear him, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I did that to you. It was stupid I just…I couldn’t get it out of my head. It makes me wonder what they did. Dr. Palmer gave me something so I wouldn’t remember so now all I remember is their eyes. The look in their eyes. Sometimes the feeling of their hands or…”

“I get it,” I said, “I was just worried.”

“Yeah and now I’m worried,” he told me, “Mum said that Uncle Ben attacked you and her. She said she’s fine that it’s just a bruise but I know Uncle Ben and how he…”

“I don’t want to talk about it ok?” I told him, “It happened and it’s over. I don’t need to think about it. I have other things I have to worry about.”

“Like what?” he asked me.

Like Lionel. I thought bitterly in my head. And what Uncle Ben had said about Andy. I didn’t say that though. I just shrugged my shoulders. I did have other things going on in my life other than what Uncle Ben did to me. I did have friends and books and figuring out what everything meant. Plus taking care of my little brothers and sisters while all he did was drink. Me feeling like half the reason what had happened did was because John had decided he needed to be high.

“Will come on, I know Uncle Ben. I know what he does,” he told me.

I shook my head, he had no idea. He had no idea what Uncle was like with me, “Does he ask you if you want him to make love with you or fuck you?” I hissed looking at my knees.

“W-what?” John stuttered probably in shock before falling silent.

“Until he says that to you. Don’t tell me you know what he’s like ok? Just don’t.”

“You know the guy we met at the movie theater?” he asked me, “His name is Leo.”

“I know you told me all of this remember?” I asked him.

“Did I tell you Da took me to him? That Da let him do things to me while Da had sex with another boy in the same room? That I screamed and cried and neither him nor Da cared even one bit?” he asked me.

I shook my head John’s harsh tone reminding me I wasn’t the only one suffering that John drank because he suffered. So, he could try to shut it out. Try to forget it.

“That was just the first time. The second time he drove me around his car for hours and would stop driving to climb in the back seat and rape me Will. Rape me until I screamed just to stop, get back in the driver’s seat and do it all again. I thought he was going to kill me. That he was never going to bring me home. That I would never see any of you again. Now tell me I don’t know what uncle Ben is like. Someone saying they want to make love to me and then holding me down while they do that. That’s happened to me too. It’s not just you Will. They’ve done terrible things to me too. Maybe it hasn’t always been the same people but they have.”

“And yet you get to drink it all away while I’m…,” I felt my eyes sting thinking about it.

“Drinking doesn’t help. It makes me tired and stupid. It makes it easy to forget but only for a little while. Just like Pat makes me forget but only for a little while. Everything is only for a little while. Maybe I haven’t been here for you like I should be and I’m sorry. And that mistake the morning, I won’t make that mistake again ok? If I had been up, if I had been around he wouldn’t have had the chance to ever…,” John trailed off, “This is on me. Today is on me and I want you to know I’m sorry and I will not let it happen again ok?”

“He probably would have found a way to hurt me anyway,” I said quietly.

“I don’t care obviously I have a very serious problem. I think one of the first things mum is planning to do it get me into a rehab of some kind. That maybe after that I’ll start getting better,” he told me, “I really am sorry.”

“I know you are,” I told him, “Can I ask why Pat and Cole are here though?”

He smiled, “They wanted to hang out, they brought me my homework. It’s not a big deal.”

“You were holding hands with him on the couch,” I said.

“Yeah while yesterday while you were sleeping mum and Cole apparently had a really long talk about some stuff and we have all come to an understanding about the relationship Pat and I have. As long as we’re not full on making out she’s ok with it for now I guess. Especially because of a lot of the stuff going on.”

“Because of me you mean? And the fact that I kissed him?” I asked him.

“And the fact he kissed you. You know he…gets, around right?” he asked me.

“He told me I’m too young just like everyone else that might ever…,” I sighed, “He doesn’t want me. No one that I would ever will ever want me.”

“Will,” John shook his head, “That’s not true. You feel that way because of them.”

“No,” I said, “You know it’s true.”

“Will, it’s not. If someone truly cares about you. It won’t matter to them. None of this will matter to them. We’re going to get away here soon. You’ll be able to have a normal life soon. All of us will. If we can actually escape,” he told me, “You’ll see.”

I just nodded my head. He was wrong. I was dirty and a slut and the only people who would ever want me were the ones who didn’t mind having a slut. Those were people I was sure I wouldn’t want to be with. People I knew would be like them. All of them.

“How are you feeling?” he asked me.

“Sore,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “Worried.”

“I’m sorry wingman,” he said quietly, “Just hold on. I think mum is going to keep us home tomorrow too. Me because I’m an idiot and you because well…yeah.”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “He didn’t hurt a lot. He didn’t like hit me or anything.”

“No?” John questioned me, “That’s a new one for him.”

He was right it was. Usually he at least punched you or tied you down. This time however he had used his words and his hands to restrain me. Because Lionel hadn’t allowed him to hurt me. Those were his rules. All of it was probably Lionel because in the kitchen he had wanted to hurt me. I knew he had, I could see it in his face. He had been angry with me. For interfering. For taking Andy away.

That worried me. More than anything else ever had. If Andy was only two and he was already thinking of that. Threatening that how long did we have if we didn’t manage to escape before he…touched him? Before Da touched him. Before someone hurt him and subjected him to that.

I would have given anything to keep them from ever experiencing that. I had been only about four or so when Da started coming into my room at night, John had apparently been ever younger. Matt said he remembered being around four. Who knew about everyone else? James had been six the first time he had been penetrated. So, who really knew how long Andy, Mac and Shay had before…before they took away their innocence. Before he started destroying them from the inside out.

“We’ll be ok,” John sighed as we heard James stop playing, the piano going silent for a minute or two before we heard him loudly speak.

“Cole, you can’t do it that way. You have to sit right,” James said sounding annoyed.

“Well excuse me sir,” Cole said, “And how do I sit?”

“Your back has to be straight. Allow your wrists to slightly slope,” James told him.

We walked over to find Pat sitting in one of the chairs against the wall watching them before he chuckled at them, “Yeah Cole, how do you not know that?”

“I don’t play piano,” Cole said.

“You said you wanted to learn,” James told him, “So sit right.”

“But Stevie Wonder doesn’t sit rim rod straight,” Cole pointed out.

“Stevie Wonder is feeling the music you have to know the music before you can feel it and when getting to know something you pay close attention. Sitting up helps improve centration,” James told him.

“That’s not…” Cole started to say but I spoke.

“Actually, that is true,” I said.

“See, even Willy knows so sit up straight if you’re serious,” James told him.

“You are a bossy little dude,” Cole said which caused me to laugh as well as John.

“He’s a serious artist,” I told Cole, “James I think you should let Cole go.”

“He said he wanted to learn,” James told me coming over to me and hugging me.

“Well generally when people want to learn something their teachers tend to be nicer,” I told him.

“He wasn’t really being mean, just bossy,” Cole notified me, “You can be bossy without being mean.”

“He has to get to know it before he can feel it,” he said which caused Cole to smile causing me to give him a questioning look.

“What? It’s a good rule for many different aspects of life,” Cole said before I caught what he was saying feeling my face turn warm.

“Cole really?” Pat sighed, “I mean I agree but did you have to…? Really?”

“What you should get to know something because you feel it,” Cole said sniggering, “You know reach out and…touch it.”

“Really?” John asked him this time but still smiling like he was trying not to laugh.

“Yeah that’s right you have to get to know the music because you can feel it,” James said missing the point.

“That’s not what he’s talking about bud,” John said laughing a little bit.

“What’s he talking about then?” James asked looking at John.

“Don’t worry about it bud,” I said rubbing the top of his head, “You want to go watch a movie? I’ll kick Matt and Mike off the PlayStation.”

“Can we watch the sword in the stone?” he asked me.

“I don’t see why not,” I said, “It’s a good movie.”

“Merlin as a squirrel? I love that movie. Let’s watch it,” Cole said very enthusiastically.

That was something that I didn’t know about Cole. I mean everyone more or less was a Disney fan as a kid but, usually people outgrew it at least until they had kids of their own but he raced down the hallway and flopped onto the sofa putting his feet on the coffee table, “Guys we’re watching a sword in the stone.”

“No, we’re playing Goldeneye,” Matt muttered.

“No, James wants to watch sword in the stone,” I answered, “You guys have played all day so now it’s time for everyone else to have TV time.”

“I think Cole wants to watch the sword in the stone,” Matt said but didn’t put up a fight and switched off the PlayStation.

“Hey, it’s the best story of all time, a servant boy that finds out he’s a king. I mean it’s awesome,” Cole said smiling at I went and switched the TV over to the VCR settings and grabbed the movie throwing it into the VCR. The movie was actually rewound for once. That was the first time that had happened in a while, the opening credits playing before it broke to a scene with Merlin standing in front of a well.

“No plumbing no electricity, no nothing, OH hand it all!” he screamed as he almost fell into the well before the chain for the bucket got caught around his ankle Cole laughing as he stared at the screen a giant grin on his face like he was a little boy again.  
I could imagine that. A little Cole watching this movie. Probably with his mom as he stared at the TV. He looked so happy.

“He’s going to shoot the deer,” I heard Cat say as she climbed on the couch between James and I, “Oh he missed yay!”

“Shhh…Catty watch the movie,” I told her.

Everyone was silent for a few minutes until we got to the squirrel scene and then Cat looked at me, “Do girl squirrels really chase the boys?”

“I don’t know Cat but I suppose they would,” I answered.

“Why though?” she asked.

“Because they want to make baby squirrels,” Cole told her.

“Oh,” She said, “Do they still let the boy put his penis in her vagina?”

“I’m pretty sure it’s the same concept as humans yes,” I told her.

“That’s weird,” she answered me.

“Well they are mammals and we’re mammals so it makes sense to me I guess,” I said, “That means that we both carry our babies in our bodies that they develop in there instead of laying eggs and that we’re warm blooded which means we create our own body heat naturally instead of relying on something like the sun to warm us and keep our body temperature stable.”

“You mean like in class how we talked about how Crocodiles use the sun to warm themselves up?” she asked me.

“Yes, like that,” I agreed with her

We watched the rest of the movie in silence besides the fix of giggles that broke out amongst Cole and the younger viewers of the movie when Merlin got mad and proclaimed he was going to Bermuda. It was nice to do something that was relaxing though Cat cuddled into my right armpit and after while Mike sitting next to me and settling in as well.

When the movie was over I noticed that none of the babies were around and then looked at the clock on the VCR and noticed it was around 7:30 me sighing as I got up to rewind the tape myself,” Ok guys it’s time to brush your teeth and head to bed.”

“Are you sure we can’t watch another movie?” James asked me quietly.

“Yes, he’s sure,” Mum said from somewhere behind us, “Brush your teeth and bed now loves.”

“Ok Mummy,” James sighed standing up.

“I’ll go let John know that’s it’s time for…,” Mum got interrupted.

“Us to go home?” Cole asked to which I’m sure mum nodded her head, “Thank you for having us over Mrs. McGregor. If you want I can bring Will his homework tomorrow since you and Vic made it sound like…”

“Yes, I think it’d be best to keep him home for another day,” Mum said, “That’s very thoughtful. Thank you, Cole.”

“You’re welcome,” Cole said standing up, “I’ll go get Pat and we’ll go home.”

“Have a good night Cole,” Mum said to him as he headed down the hallway.

“Am I really staying home from school tomorrow?” I asked her.

“Yes,” she told me, “There is a lot going on in that brain of yours I can see it. A lot that you aren’t talking about and I think your Uncle might have triggered something so I would rather you stay here where I can keep an eye on you then sending you to school just for tomorrow love.”

“Mum I’m fine really,” I said.

I wasn’t fine. We both knew I wasn’t fine. I wanted to hurt myself and I knew I would if the wrong thing happened. Like Wallace. If I saw Wallace or he looked at me like that I would freak and I would either hurt him or myself. Probably myself because I was the easier target to take my frustrations out on. It was my fault he liked me anyway. I knew it was my fault. Why punish someone for something they didn’t do but, something I did.

“Love, I don’t want to disagree with you but, that. What you did the screaming that’s not like you at all. That’s like your brother. If he’s not drinking he’s screaming, if he’s not with Pat he’s screaming and I understand why but that’s not you. That’s not normal behavior for you. That scared me. Especially when Vic told me…,” I interrupted her.

“What to kill me? I don’t even remember saying that mum. Really, I’m fine. I’m ok. Everything is ok. I’ll stay home tomorrow but I promise you I’m fine. I’m going to go to my room and read and just relax,” I tried to assure her.

It wasn’t just her I was trying to assure but myself. I really didn’t remember saying that to Dr. Palmer at the time but, maybe I had. In that moment I just wanted to be left alone. I didn’t want Vic to touch me because I was afraid he was going to do what Uncle Ben did, what Lionel did. I was trying to tell myself that I was going to be ok because we were leaving, we were getting away soon.

Both mum and Vic made it sound that way. Even Cole made it sound that way and I wanted to believe them. To trust them. I thought if I got away everything would be ok. That we would be fine. All of us. That with time we would get used to being normal. That maybe I could be normal.

“Ok, love,” Mum said, “Get ready for bed I’ll put everyone down. I love you.”

“I love you too mum,” I said smiling at her before I got up and went into my room.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will's anxiety keeps growing as he's pretty sure they are getting closer and closer to getting away. He fears what might happen if their attempt at escaping isn't successful as he deals with John's anxiety and Matt's increasingly bad behavior.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 509 to 531 **Warnings: Mental health issues, anxiety, eating disorder, PTSD,** not a lot going on in this chapter mostly about his anxiety thinking about what could happen and reflecting on the way they make him feel (his abusers) how he's noticed the people around him behaving and him worrying about his siblings.

I tried to read. I really did but my brain was reeling. Reeling with worries about whether running away, even attempting to run away was a good idea. Worries about Andy and Mac and Shay.

Worries about James and then of course Mike and Matty and especially Matty’s behavior and whether it would get better or worse if we were away from Da whose word was the word of God to him. Worries about John and whether he would ever be able to get by a single day without drinking. So many worries. So many worries that eventually I gave up trying to read and shut off my light.

I fell into an uneasy sleep. My dream started with me in his room, Lionel’s room. That bed. It was him and Uncle Ben standing over me with Da sitting in the corner. Then the walls started to turn black them laughing as they did things to me made me beg them for it. Beg them to rape me. First it was just them asking me for that and doing it and then it got stranger. Lionel’s voice gruff and distorted.

“Tell me you want me to cut off your fingers, tell me,” his hands pressing against my throat making me sputter and cough until he released my throat.

“Cut off my fingers Daddy,” I said without hesitation after I caught my breath. A big butchers knife appearing in his hand from nowhere him grabbing my hand and forcing it flat against the bed as he still kept himself inside me leaning forward and raising the knife in the air.

I gasped and closed my eyes before my eyes in real life snapped open me jolting awake before the knife came down. I was sweating and cold. Me blinking and then looking at my hands to make sure my fingers were still there. That I was still physically whole. I understood the fear but not why the dream had turned into that. Lionel getting ready to cut off my fingers right before I woke up.

I heard sniffling and crying out in the hallway. At first, I thought it was something I was imagining because there was no reason for anyone to be up and especially crying in the middle of the night in the hallway me looking at my clock and finding that it was 2:30am. When the crying didn’t stop I got up and slowly opened my door. I followed the sound into the kitchen to find Mike sitting with his back to the kitchen Island his arms around his knees, crying.

I wondered where mum was and why she didn’t hear him. Looking at the pantry to find the padlock firmly in place. So, it wasn’t Uncle Ben whatever it was. Was it Matt? Had Matt done something to him? Was that why he was crying.

“Mike,” I said quietly him starling enough he almost hit his head on the edge of the island above him, “It’s ok. What’s wrong pal? Can you tell me what’s going on?”

“I didn’t mean to,” he mumbled to me,” I didn’t mean too Willy I’m sorry. Mum is going to be so mad at me and Matt thinks it’s gross. He told me last time he wouldn’t help me hide it that I was on my own and I’m going to get into so much trouble.”

I sighed. I had no idea what he was talking about but whatever it was he obviously felt it was his fault. I sat down next to him and noticed the smell of urine. Me thinking about it for a second before I realize he had probably wet the bed.

When he was four or five he wet the bed constantly to the point where they decided they would allow Mike and Matt to sleep at home instead of taking them as young boarders in the dorms because the school didn’t want to deal with that issue. However, it did surprise me that it was happening again. That he was wetting the bed again after going so long without doing it.

“It’s ok pal,” I said grabbing his hand, “How about you clean up you and I’ll take care of the sheets and stuff ok?”

“You’ll help me? I’m sorry I know it’s gross. I don’t know why,” he told me.

“Are you having dreams about something? Something scary? Being scared can sometimes make adult people wet themselves,” I told him trying to comfort him.

He went silent. Like he was taking in what I had told him. Really thinking about it before he looked at me, “Even adults wet themselves when they’re scared?” he asked me.

“Yeah, they do sometimes. I promise,” I told him, “It’s nothing to ashamed about ok pal?”

“But she’ll be mad,” he told me, “Mummy will be mad.”

“I don’t think she will. I think she’ll understand. I had a bad dream too you know?” I asked him.

“About them?” he asked me and I nodded my head.

“It’s ok to have bad dreams they happen sometimes,” I told him.

“You promise?” he asked me looking hopeful.

“I swear,” I told him, “Now how about you clean up yourself and I’ll take care of the bed ok?”

“Ok,” he told me standing up, “You’re not mad?”

“No, I’m not mad,” I told him.

“Do you think mummy will be mad?” he asked me.

“No,” I said smiling at him, “If she is I’ll help you explain to her ok?”

“You promise?” he asked me.

“I promise,” I said holding my pinky finger out him looping his pink finger around mine before we walked down the hall.

We went into his room and I turned on the light before I shut the door going over to his bed. It looked fine other than the big wet puddle in the middle of it. Sure, enough he had wet the bed. I imagined how bad he probably felt. Having not wet the bed since he was little and now all of the sudden it becoming a problem. So, the stress really was wearing on him. It was wearing on all of us.

“Mum keeps your sheets in the top of the closet like everyone else, right?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he said as he went to his dresser and pulled out new PJ’s, “I’m glad you’re helping me. Matty would have helped me too but, last time I did it he said he wouldn’t help me because he touched the wet spot and he said that was gross. That he might like… somethings but he didn’t want my pee on him.”

“Somethings?” I questioned stripping the bed and putting the comforter on the top bunk that was currently unmade along with his pillows before I pulled the sheets off his bed and put them in the hamper.

“You know, just some things,” he said quietly shrugging his shoulders before the door opened mum coming in, “Mummy I’m putting on clothes!” he squeaked in surprise.

“Sorry love,” Mum said, “What are you two doing up?”

“He had an accident,” I told her, “I’m helping him fix it.”

“Ah,” Mum said, “Has this happened before Mike? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I didn’t want you to be mad. Please don’t be mad,” he said sounding like he was about to cry.

“I’m not mad love but Tessa did tell me last week she’s been finding sheets that smell like someone had an accident for the past two weeks. Three or four sets. She said she wasn’t sure what room she got them from. Is it you? There’s nothing to be ashamed about if it is love, I just want to know what’s going on,” She told him.

“I keep having bad dreams,” he told her, “Will said even big people get scared and pee sometimes.”

I turned around and grabbed new sheets out of the closet to see mum going over to him and hugging him, “What type of bad dreams love?”

“Tonight, it was …uncle Ben making me play doggy,” he said quietly his voice hesitant, “I don’t like that game.”

“What’s doggy love?” she asked him.

“He…he said he was going to use his belt but Matty convinced him that would hurt me too much so he used my robe tie instead. He wrapped it around my neck and made me crawl and pretend to be a dog and then…” he quit speaking me listening to him as I made the bed.

“It’s ok love,” Mum said hushing him, “it’s ok.”

“It hurt mummy it’s not ok. It hurt so bad and Matty didn’t help me and he climbed on top of me and wouldn’t let go of the leash. He kept saying it was a leash but, it wasn’t. It hurt. He hurt and Matty laughed and then Matty played Doggy with him. I don’t like that game.”

“I can understand that,” I heard mum say to him quietly, “He won’t play that game with you ever again love ok?”

So, he had tied something around my brother’s neck and made him crawl around a room until he decided he wanted to rape him? I could see it clearly in my head him making Mike bark and act like a dog before making him do other things. Horrible things. Before he leaned over Mike’s back making him…

“Will love, are you ok?” Mum asked me.

I sighed nodding my head. I wasn’t ok. For some reason just imagining that shook me. I don’t know why but it did. Maybe it was because he had raped me earlier, uncle Ben or maybe it was something else. I still don’t know but I felt that frozen feeling running under my skin. That feeling that made me still.

“Will love, come here,” Mum said, “It’s ok come here.”

I came over to where she was sitting in Mike’s desk chair her holding her left arm open for me while she held Mike close with her right hugging me too, “It’s ok. It’s ok my boys. I know it’s scary it’s ok though.”

It wasn’t ok. Mike had said so himself. It hurt. It was scary and it hurt and it made you feel gross, so gross. It was anything but ok. Especially having mum know. That he had…done those things. It made my stomach feel beyond sick.

“It’s ok,” she said again, “Mike why don’t you come sleep in the day bed in the nursey with me. You have to be quiet but, it is late.”

“Are you going to try and keep the bad dreams away?” he asked her to which she smiled at him sadly.

“Aye, that’s what mummy’s do love,” she said kissing his cheek, “How about you go in there and get settled while I talk with Willy for a minute.”

“Ok mummy,” he said going off down the hall as she let him go.

“Will love, can I ask you something?” she asked me.

“If he ever did that with me I don’t rem…” I started before she cut me off.

“Not that love,” she said, “You look so tired lately. Did he wake you up?”

I shook my head. No, my own nightmare had woken me up. A nightmare of Lionel. Of him making me ask him to cut my fingers off before he lifted the knife above my hand. Before I snapped awake.

“Ok, why don’t you try to get more rest?” she asked me.

“I will mummy,” I said quietly, “I was just trying to help him. Make sure he understood it’s not a big deal to be scared like that sometimes.”

“You’re a great big brother to him love,” she said before she pulled me forward kissing my cheek, “I’ve got him now. He’ll be ok.”

I nodded my head, “I love you mummy.”

“I love you too Willy,” mum said, “Get some more sleep. I’ll see you when you wake up.”

“Aye,” I said before I turned around and walked out going back to my room and going to sleep. 

It took me a while to get back to sleep because, of course it did. The rest of the day I don’t really remember anything interesting happening. Mum let me mostly rest and I think John took care of everyone or helped mum take care of everyone. Looking back, I was probably depressed. Depressed because of that weekend, because of Lionel and uncle Ben. They even stalked me in my dreams. Taunted me.

When you can’t get rid of an idea whether it’s a person or a thought it’s tiring. Almost like looking for a door and door less room. After a while you’re turning around in circles until it’s so maddening you start ramming your head against the wall. Just hoping maybe you’ll find the spot where the door once used to be. Only you come to find that’s not where it was at all. Until you eventually give up. Bloody and blue. Utterly broken.

I was dead asleep when there was a knock on my door,” I’m sleeping.” I mumbled.

“Ok, I’ll just leave this here then and go back into the living room and watch Matt destroy everything on Goldeneye that he can,” Cole muttered coming into my room.

He sounded disappointed. Like he was disappointed I didn’t want to see him, me sitting up to look at him, “Sorry,” I said, “I thought you were one of the kids.”

“You mean Mike or one of the littles?” he asked sitting down in my desk chair.

“It’s still that early?” I asked looking at the clock on my nightstand to see it was only 3pm. They would be home in about half an hour. The three that had managed to go to school today.

“Yes, it is,” he said, “How are you doing today?”

“Better, I didn’t sleep well though. I heard Mike crying. He wet the bed afraid mum was going to be mad,” I told him.

Cole smiled, “I can understand why he might think that being eight but and don’t tell Pat I told you this he wet the bed until he was like 10. He told me that once.”

“Well can you blame him? I mean growing up with Hank and Karen couldn’t have been easy,” I said.

“I agree considering. I mean Charlie never stopped bedwetting,” Cole told me.

“He’s good with kids, Pat. I think It’s because of Charlie,” I said.

“Yeah, he loved that kid. Like you love yours,” Cole said, “He was a great kid too. I’ll never forgive Hank for that. For taking him. He deserved so much better, Charlie.”

“We all do,” I said.

“Yeah,” Cole said nodding his head in agreement, “You’ll have it. Getting out of here you’ll all have it.”

“Cole?” I asked him after we sat there quietly for a minute or two.

“Yeah?” he asked me.

“Do you really plan to kill him? I mean when Pat and you get out?” I asked him.

“Yes,” he told me, “I do. I believe I would be happy if he hadn’t of done what he did to me. What he’s doing to you. What’s he’s done to god knows how many kids. There are days where if I didn’t take coke I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed. I wouldn’t be able to do anything. Half the time at night when I sleep I dream about him. Him and what he did to me, what he made me do. He deserves to rot in hell even if I have to put him there myself.”

“Do you think I’ll be ok? You know what he does. I know I haven’t experienced all of it but the…I dreamed about it. Him. Me begging him to cut off my fingers. I woke up right as he was about to bring the knife down,” I admitted to him.

“Maybe it was metaphorical like you feel like he’s taking pieces of you when he does that. Maybe it’s pieces people can’t see but it’s still happening. I think you’ll be ok with help. With help you won’t be bitter like me. You won’t wonder if anyone ever really wants you because you’re so fucked up and you’ve done such horrible things. Hopefully you’ll never feel that way about yourself. I really hope you don’t,” Cole told me.

“I already do,” I said quietly staring at my lap, “I know no one is ever going to want me. I’ve already accepted that.”

“That’s not true Will,” Cole told me before he moved the chair by my desk over to my bed side and offered me his hand, “You’re a great guy. You’re young for me yes, but you’re a great guy and one day someone is going to come along that does want you for the right reasons. Because you’re smart, and funny, and nurturing. Because you have these eyes that always look like they’re thinking, taking everything in. Because you’re careful when you speak and you think about other people’s feelings before you say something. One day someone is going to see all of that and want to be with that. Want to know you in all the best ways. That day just isn’t today. Ok? You’re young anyone who would think of you that way right now isn’t someone you want to be with. Which is why I will always regret what I did to you ok? Because that’s not me and it wasn’t right. And I’m truly sorry that I…”

“Cole, stop,” I sighed, “Just stop. I kissed you first. You were high. If I wouldn’t have kissed you first it probably never would have happened.”

“No,” Cole said shaking his head, “I don’t care how high I was I’m older. I’m supposed to be more responsible than that. I took advantage of you. If you were older it might not be as big of deal as it is but as it stands right now I’m almost 14 years old. You’re only 10. That’s not right. We both know that’s not right and there is no excuse for it. Doing that to you makes me like them.”

“People do stupid things when they are high Cole. I know you would never hurt me. You’re not anything like them. I understand why you’re sorry. I understand what you’re saying but I don’t feel like I’m 10,” I confessed.

“No but you don’t feel like you’re 10 because of them. Because you’ve been taking care of 10 kids on and off because of what your Dad does, because of how he treats your mom and your brother. Because there isn’t anyone else sometimes. If it wasn’t for them, all of them you would feel like a 10-year-old. And I hope you end up getting away and going somewhere where you can feel like a normal 10-year-old. Feel all of that confusion and wonder that you no longer have because they stole it from you.”

“You really think so? That I could be normal?” I asked him hopeful.

I was hopeful he was right just like I was hoping that mum would get us out of there. I wanted to be normal. I didn’t want to dream about Lionel telling me to say, “fuck me daddy” or Uncle Ben doing those things to me. I didn’t want to have to think about any of that. Have to worry about when it was going to happen to Andy and if James would ever stop being afraid that the bad man was coming to take everyone away. I wanted to have normal. To have us catching toads in the swamp and playing tag and football in the yard without being worried about whose car was going to pull up.

Without having to worry about that black Limo or uncle Ben showing up and dragging me downstairs by my hair. I craved normal. But it was like winning the lottery something I hoped for, longed for that would never happen.

“Yes, I do,” Cole told me, “I think you can be normal and happy and one day you’ll meet a boy. A normal boy who wants to be with you because of all the things I listed about you that are amazing. And then one day that boy will tell you he loves you. And maybe you’ll realize you love him too and you’ll settle down and have a family with him. Or you’ll party it up and move to New York.”

I smiled at that. I didn’t really remember New York but I thought it would be fun. As long as Lionel wasn’t there it would be fun. I could picture that. Me falling in love with a guy my own age and growing old with him.

“What about you?” I asked him.

“I’ll avenge Justin. And me. Then I’ll get to be with him and mom,” Cole said smiling looking rather happy at the thought, “And then we’ll be together forever. That’s my happy ending. Just because it’s different from yours doesn’t mean it’s sad or wrong. It just is what it is.”

“If that’s what’s going to make you happy I hope you get there Cole,” I told him.

“I will,” he said nodding his head, “I know I will. You want me to just leave your books where they are at and go watch Matt play golden eye or do you want to hang out with me for a while?”

“I don’t know,” I said, “I’m tired and a little sore still.”

“No kidding,” Cole said laughing a little bit, “I always feel sore after the weekend. I hide it well because I’m used to it by now but my ass is never as thankful as when I get in the bath at night.”

That made me giggle too. I understood that feeling. The chairs at school made you sore, everything but laying down made you sore. I thought about Cole. Him being stuck there while I got to leave and I felt sad. Scared for him. For everyone.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked me.

“What’s going to happen to everyone,” I answered, “I’m going to miss you. And my other friends.”

“But especially me because I’m so fucking handsome, right?” he asked me winking which caused me to blush.

“Maybe,” I said trying to play it off shrugging my shoulders.

“Don’t worry about it. You’ll be fine. Everyone will be fine,” he tried to assure me.

We sat there in silence for a few minutes. He was still holding my hand. It felt nice. Just like it had all the other times he had held my hand him looking at me after a second, “Do you…want to cuddle?” he asked me suddenly.

“But I thought you didn’t feel that way about me?” I asked him.

“Well, don’t you cuddle with your siblings sometimes and your mom?” he asked me.

“Yeah, but that’s different,” I answered letting go of his hand.

“Sorry,” he said, “I just felt like I needed…it doesn’t always have to be sexual. I know I get around a bit but sometimes the best of it is just cuddling. I’ll ask Pat to later. He’ll cuddle with me when I ask usually.”

“No, it’s ok,” I said moving over so there was room on the bed, “It just…I don’t know. It’s never occurred to me you can do that with friends before.”

“You’re sure? I don’t want you doing anything you don’t feel comfortable with,” Cole said sitting on the bed.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” I told him, “It would be nice. I liked cuddling with you last time before you…”

“Before I kissed you?” he asked to which I nodded my head feeling my face heat up, “That won’t happen this time. If I know we’re coming here after school I make sure I skip my afternoon bump. Keeps me grounded enough I won’t do something stupid. Like take advantage of anyone and make myself sick. It’s disgusting that I would do that.”

“It’s not your fault,” I told him as he laid down next to me and wrapped my arms around him, “He did that to you. If it weren’t for him you probably wouldn’t have even thought about it.”

He sighed smiling at me even though his eyes started to look wet, “I think you’re right.” He said.

“Cole, don’t cry. Please don’t cry,” I whispered as I hugged him, “It’s not your fault. Please don’t cry.”

“You have no idea what he made me do. How sick he’s made me. Kids scare me sometimes because I’m afraid I’ll…I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for that. For kissing you like that. You deserve better.”

“I forgive you,” I told him, “I know it’s not you. If we don’t get away he’ll do the same thing to me. Sometimes I’m afraid I’m…I’m already like that.”

“You aren’t,” he said looking at me, “You aren’t and you never will be because he’ll never have the chance to make you doubt yourself like that.”

“I hope you’re right,” I mumbled rubbing his shoulders, “Is this better?”

“Yeah,” he nodded his head closing his eyes, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” I said.

I closed my eyes too as we just kind of held onto each other in silence. I probably fell asleep because next thing I knew someone was knocking on the cracked door and Cole was sitting up rubbing his eyes.

“I made dinner if you and Pat want to stay for supper Cole,” Mum said, “Are you doing ok? Both of you.”

“Yeah Danielle, thank you,” Cole muttered as he yawned.

“Yeah mum,” I said, “I’m all right.”

“Ok love, dinner is ready.” Mum said before leaving the room as Cole and I both sat up.

“What do you think she made?” he asked me.

“I’m not sure lately there’s been a lot of hamburger helper though,” I sighed as we both got up and walked towards the kitchen.

“That’s fine with me,” Cole said, “At home we eat a lot of take out because Dad and Hank are usually never home because they both work all the time. So, they’ll bring home whatever usually Chinese or pizza. If it’s Mexican it’s a bad night. Pat and I both know it so we just don’t eat.”

“What do you mean a bad night?” I asked quietly afraid of what that meant as we sat down at the table.

“I’ll tell you later, maybe,” Cole said as he sat down next to James smiling.

“How are you today?” he asked James.

“I’m ok,” he said, “We’re going to start making clay sculptures in art class tomorrow.”

“That sounds awesome. I remember I made a dog with mine. Almost everyone else made ashtrays because they’re easy to make. I mean my dog was completely deformed but I was like 7.”

“My age you mean?” James asked smiling which caused Cole’s smile to grow.

“Yes,” he said nodding his head, “It was a fun time though. Me and my friend Jimmy were like two of the only people who didn’t make ashtrays. He made a bird. His wasn’t bad.”

“Did you like Jimmy?” James asked him.

“He was my friend so I hoped I liked him,” Cole said, “He moved away at the end of that school year I think.”

“I’m sorry,” James said, “I would hate to move. I’d miss all of my friends especially Robby.”

“Who is Robby?” Mum asked as she spooned some food into Mac’s mouth.

“He’s my friend,” James said.

I smiled remembering that name. That sleepy utterance that one night in my bed. How he was going to marry Robby. I thought of how hard it would be when we left but knew he would eventually get over that loss and I doubted Robby wanted to marry him.

“That’s nice love,” mum said smiling.

“My friend at school is Max,” Mike said which caused Matt to shoot him a weird look.

“Why don’t I know Max?” Matt asked him.

“He’s in my class and not yours?” Mike suggested.

“I want to meet Max,” he told Mike.

“I’d love to meet all of your friends honestly,” Mum said, “But with Da and Uncle Ben around its…”

“Not a good idea?” John questioned, “That’s understatement.”

“They wouldn’t,” Cole said, “Kids not brotherhood they wouldn’t risk it.”

“That’s what they call it? The brotherhood?” Mum questioned.

I thought someone had said that in front of her before. That she knew that’s what it was called. What we called it. I didn’t know how much Mike and Matt knew about nor how much James or anyone else knew about it.

“Huh, yeah,” Pat said taking a bite of his food.

“It’s a lot of people from what Dr. Palmer said,” Mum commented.

I gulped. I didn’t like to think about how many people they were. Where they were from. I didn’t know how much John had been exposed to but, that didn’t mean anything. I knew it was probably worse for him. I didn’t want to talk about it though.

“Anyone else have any interesting art projects going on?” I asked them.

“We’re getting ready to finish our family boxes,” Cat told me.

“That’s good have you painted it yet?” I asked her.

“No, we’re doing that tomorrow,” she told me.

“I’m not doing anything exciting in art or otherwise,” Matt said, “However Mike is apparently having lots of fun with Max.”

“It’s not like that,” Mike said, “It’s really not. You’re still my best friend forever Matty I promise. He’s just a friend. I swear he’s just a friend.”

“Why are you so worried about him having friends that you don’t know Matt?” I asked.

It dawned on me as weird no one had asked him that when he had acted so offended about Max in the first place. You would think that someone would have said something about it. How strange it was. How mum would have mentioned that they were in different classes so that they could make different friends. Because sometimes twins developed weird psychological bonds and it was important to foster individual lives no matter how close they were.

“Because I don’t know Max. Maybe after I meet him Mike can be friends with him but, I don’t know him yet,” Matt told us.

“Well love I know Mike is very capable of choosing his own friends. I know you love your brother but, it’s important that he chooses his own friends ok?” Mum told him.

“But he doesn’t know people like I know people. I can’t tell if Max is safe or not if I don’t know him. He could be bad mum. I don’t want Mike talking to bad people,” Matt said.

“But Mike is around bad people every time your Da or Uncle are around,” John said, “That and he’s another 8-year-old so how dangerous could he be?”

“Da is not bad,” Matt snapped, “He’s not.”

“You’re right Matt,” John said surprising me, “He’s a monster.”

“That’s not true. You know that more than anyone,” Matt said, “Da does nothing but love us. You know that he loves you more than he loves anyone else John. Don’t tell me he’s evil he just wants us to know we’re loved.”

“Matt,” Pat said shaking his head as John hugged himself staring at the table top his fork lying next to his hand forgotten, “You need to stop.”

“It’s true and John knows it,” Matt said.

“Matthew come with me to your bedroom,” Mum said standing up and wiping her hands on her apron.

“But mum you know…,”

“MATTHEW NOW!” she barked loudly pointing down the hallway as she got up.

I was honestly surprised that she had bothered to stand up for John like that. Usually she didn’t seem to mind when someone talked about things we didn’t want to talk about. Sometimes she had out right encouraged it. I don’t think it was ever malicious on her part but, sometimes it felt like we were being attacked. I could often see it on John’s face when he felt that way. Like mum was allowing someone to attack him.

I don’t know usually I guess she didn’t see Matt’s comments as dangerous or upsetting no matter how John reacted to it. But maybe she saw something malicious about the way he had said it. The tone in his voice. Something because she was pissed.

“Rabbit it’s ok,” Pat said rubbing John’s shoulders, “it’s ok.”

“It’s not ok. He’s horrible. He’s…,” John said biting his bottom lip.

“Hey, how about we go sit down in your room ok? I’ll go tell your mom you need a pill and get it for you ok?” Pat said and John nodded his head numbly.

“Cole can you watch…?” I started to ask.

“The babies?” Cole interrupted me, “Yeah, help Pat with him.”

“Ok John, come on,” I said putting my hand under his elbow. He was shaky. His whole body shaking as I put my hand on his back.

I think that was the first time I ever really noticed that something was physically wrong with him. Being able to feel his spine so defined through his back. Even through the back of his shirt and under shirt. He was so stressed he wasn’t really eating like he should and I knew that was a big part of it but, it worried me, me shooting Pat a worried look as he wrapped his arm around John’s waist.

“It’s ok Rabbit, he didn’t mean it. He’s just a kid he doesn’t understand,” Pat said softly.

“He doesn’t…he doesn’t get it. He doesn’t…he doesn’t no one does. No one…” he said quietly starting to cry.

“I understand John,” I said quietly, “I do. Come on. We’ll go lay down ok? Just calm down.”

At hearing me say that for some reason he started to quiet. I had a feeling after everything that had happened he was utterly broken. Between the Villa and not remembering or barely remembering and everything else going on. Probably the fact that we were leaving soon and all of Matt’s comments. It just felt like too much was going on all the time and…I couldn’t blame him for being on the verge of a break down.

We walked him to his room and Pat helped me get him on his bed before he mumbled how he would be right back me sitting down with John and sighing, “Come here,” John said after a minute.

I didn’t know why he wanted me to come to him until he pulled me into his arms, “I’m so sorry Wingman. I’m sorry I just I can’t…”

“I know John it’s ok,” I told him, “It’s not your fault. It’s ok.”

I hugged him as he hugged me telling him it was ok over and over. That we were getting out soon that everything would be fine. That Matt didn’t understand. That he never would understand. I think Matt hated John, blamed him for a lot of things and if Da treated Matt the same way he treated me I could just picture Matt taking real offense to the words “almost as good as your brother” where for me it made me cringe for other reasons.

Because it meant that Da thought John was the best. That he thought his son was the best for…for that. John didn’t want that with Da. He had never asked for it. The only thing John had probably ever wanted from Da was for Da to treat him like a normal person treats their son and not like he was Da’s favorite fuck toy.

“I can’t do it anymore. I can’t….” John mumbled as I hugged him.

“It’s ok I know. Mum is talking to him right now ok? She’ll make sure he doesn’t do that again. I promise,” I told him quietly as I hugged his shoulders before Pat walked back into the room and made John open his mouth before he gave him the pill and had him swallow it with some water.

Pat sighed looking at me as I got up before Pat climbed into his bed next to him holding him close and whispering something in his ear. John sighed closing his eyes and resting his head against Pat’s chest. I just watched them for a minute before slowly getting up and shutting the door behind me.

I had no idea how he was going to be ok without Patrick. He depended on Patrick more so than anyone else for emotional support. Even then I knew that whatever was going to happen if we did manage to get away was going to be a lot of work. I also knew he wouldn’t be able to call Patrick or write him. That in order for us to successfully get away we would have to more or less go into hiding. For me that would be easy because as much as I cared about my friends I wasn’t emotionally attached to them in the same way John was to Pat.

I didn’t look at them as people I really confided in a lot because there were things I felt I was forbidden to talk about. It might have seemed cold but, for me it was just survival. Where John had really confided in Pat about a lot of things, he loved him. He loved Patrick deeply. Patrick was the one thing that he had to leave behind that I wasn’t sure he was going to be ok without.

However, I was sure that was something Pat and John had discussed at some point in private and I knew Pat wanted us to leave, wanted him to leave because that was what was best for us. Not just John but all of us. I walked back down the hallway and heard Catty talking to Cole quietly, Mike and James already back in the living room playing video games.

“So, it’s like he’s having a bad dream sometimes only he’s awake and he’s really really upset and he can’t stop crying? I didn’t know big kids did that,” Cat told him.

“Yes, that’s right. It happens to adults sometimes too. It’s not just a little kid thing. It just happens to John more often I think sometimes then how it happens to other people,” Cole explained to her.

“Because of Daddy?” Cat asked him.

“I huh…,” Cole trailed off.

“Daddy touches me too sometimes. I know it feels funny and that it’s scary. Especially…,” I came into the room Cat’s cheeks flushing as red as her hair.

“It’s ok to talk about Cat,” I told her, “If it makes you feel better you can talk about it.”

“You and John always get so mad when Matty and Mikey talk about it,” she said quietly, “I don’t want you to be mad at me.”

“I don’t think Willy or John get mad at them. Not the way you think. It’s just hard for them to hear because they love all of you so very much. It makes them mad at your Dad. Not at you. You did nothing wrong ok?” Cole said.

“Is that true Willy? You’re not mad when we talk about it? Just mad at Da?” She asked me her voice small and timid.

“Yeah, that’s right,” I told her, “Because like Cole said you’ve done nothing wrong. Not ever ok? Da does those things because he wants to. There’s nothing you can do that would make it ok for him to do that ok?”

She nodded her head and got up sitting in my lap as I sat down in the chair next to her, “His fingers hurt sometimes.”

“Yeah, they do,” I agreed nodding my head, saying it out loud even though she had whispered her statement in my ear.

“What did she say?” Cole asked me.

“Cat why don’t you tell Cole if you want?” I asked her.

“I said Daddy’s fingers hurt sometimes,” she said quietly.

“Yeah,” Cole agreed, “fingers can hurt a lot sometimes.”

I saw something flash behind Cole’s eyes as she said it. But, he was quick to hide it. Him responding the same way I had. Like it wasn’t a big deal. Like there was nothing for her to be ashamed or afraid of by saying that. It was something that had happened to us. Sometimes if they were in a hurry and didn’t use enough lube or went too fast it could pinch or burn. Sometimes if they went too hard it felt like someone was stabbing at your insides and made you want to cry. I figured that it didn’t matter what age you were if someone was doing that to you and they weren’t paying attention it would feel like that. Painful.

Uncle Ben could often be painful when he did it. Using one finger slowly for a few minutes but then pushing in hard making it feel like he was stabbing my insides trying to reach for something. Trying to hit something so hard that it hurt. Like Lionel had the time in the limo. Him not stopping just telling me it would quit hurting in a minute or two. That he just had to find it. Sparks exploding in my brain when he finally did my body almost forgetting the pain.

“Will are you ok?” Cole asked me.

I nodded my head Cat wrapping her arms around my neck and kissing my cheek, “It’s ok Willy. You’re here with me and I won’t hurt you. I won’t let anyone bad hurt you.”

“Cat love?” Mum asked from somewhere behind me, “What’s going on?”

“Willy got really weird mummy,” Cat answered climbing off my lap and going over to mum.

“Weird how?” Mum asked her.

“He went still and I asked him a question and he didn’t answer. I don’t think he heard me but he’s right there and the TV isn’t in here.” She told mum.

“I do that sometimes,” I mumbled.

“It’s called PTSD,” Cole told me, “It’s ok. Where did you go?”

I shook my head. I wasn’t sharing that with anyone. I didn’t want to talk about the Limo with Cole any more than I already had. Asking Cole if Lionel had done that to him, bit him like that. I hadn’t told anyone about how much that had hurt though, his fingers. How he had told me to ride his fingers. The thought making me squeak and slap my hand over my mouth.

“Oh love,” Mum said coming up to me to which I pushed her away shaking my head furiously before I got up and ran down the hall as fast as I could.

I didn’t want them to see my cry. John was crying. John deserved to cry about it. Not me. I was just a slut. I didn’t deserve to cry about anything I let Lionel do to me. I felt stupid and I hated feeling stupid. Letting my brain go to that place all because of something my little sister had said. All because of something she needed to say.

There was a soft knock on my bedroom door and I sighed not wanting to talk to anyone. Just wanting to calm down. Wanting to just forget about all of it. Forget it ever happened or at the very least push it to the back of my brain where it had been hiding before. Where it kept hiding making me unaware of it.

“It’s Cole,” Cole said after I didn’t answer his soft knock with a reply.

“Cole, I’m ok,” I lied.

“No, you aren’t. I saw it in your face. What happened?” he asked me before he opened the door stepping into my room.

“Just a thought,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“About him?” Cole asked me to which I shrugged my shoulders again causing him to sigh, “Look, he can be rough sometimes. There’s no shame in admitting that. That what she said sent you back to him.”

“It’s not her fault,” I snapped.

“I’m not saying it was. Sometimes it just happens,” he told me, “It’s hard to control. Even Kris has trouble controlling it sometimes. He’ll end up balling his eyes out telling me he’s sorry. For everything that happened you know? I mean I forgave him before it ever happened it’s not like he ever gives you a choice.”

“You don’t need to tell me that,” I told him, “It doesn’t matter ok? It doesn’t matter what he does. I know. I know what he’s going to do. I don’t want to hear about it.”

“Will, what’s going on with you?” he asked me quietly, “Did I do something wrong? Are you upset because of…?

“NO!” I shouted surprising myself, “No. It’s not that. It’s …I just don’t want to think about it ok. You know how bad it’s going to be if we don’t leave before Friday? How he’s probably going to…” I trailed off biting my lower lip.

“He’s hard to deal with,” Cole sighed, “I know I keep telling you that but I realize it. And it’s true. He’s weird…”

“You mean the fact he likes licking my butt? Or you mean the make up or the…,” I trailed off. I didn’t want to talk about that. Not that.

“All of it, yeah,” Cole said, “Once you’re somewhere safe you can tell them. I know that’s why you haven’t. That’s why I won’t tell for you but, once you’re all away you need to tell them ok?”

“Dr. Palmer said he’d kill them. Not just mum but all of them,” I muttered, “I can’t kill them.”

“I don’t think he’d kill all of them,” Cole said, “I truly doubt it considering certain things.”

“Like what?” I asked throwing myself on my bed and burying my head in the pillows.

“You know,” he said quietly, “I know you see it. You see it just like I do. Everyone probably already knows that J…”

“No,” I said shaking my head, “He has me. He doesn’t get him too. He doesn’t.”

“If you don’t get away you know that’s what’s going to happen. I’m sure everyone can see it. Everyone that knows him well enough to know…you know.”

“You remember Christmas?” I asked Cole.

“Yeah. It was horrifying. Seeing him like that when they brought him back to the cage,” Cole answered, “Hopefully it’s something none of you will ever to worry about.”

“I hope so too,” I said.

“Well at least you don’t have to worry about him this Friday just maybe next if you don’t get away before then. Hopefully it won’t be a problem,” Cole said.

“I doubt we’ll be gone before then,” I said, “I don’t want to see him again.”

“I know you don’t,” he said, “Just try to focus on school ok? Try not to worry about him or any of that. Just try to pretend everything is normal.”

“If Uncle Ben comes to see me tonight it will be,” I said quietly, “He saw me last night.”

“I remember I was here. You don’t remember me being here?” he asked me.

I shook my head feeling frustrated. I didn’t know if it was because of my medication Dr. Palmer gave me or because of something else but, it made me feel stupid. I was so tired of feeling so stupid and so alone. It wasn’t even just Lionel or Uncle Ben it was me. It was all just…just me. Suddenly I started sobbing.

I still don’t even really know why. Maybe it was all of the stress my brain was trying to process the uncertainty of ever getting away along with John constantly breaking down and Matt and his odd behaviors always trying to send John into a tail spin. Maybe everything was just too much. That with keeping all the secrets and keeping everyone safe was maybe just too much.

“It’s ok,” Cole said grabbing my hand before he pulled up my desk chair in order to sit next to my bed rubbing my back, “it’s ok just let it out. You’re ok.”

I felt so tired all the time. It wasn’t even just a little bit. I just felt like I never slept. Because he was always there when I closed my eyes or Uncle Ben. Or someone else. At school I was supposed to be awake and learning and while John had been helping with the babies more and more lately it felt like I never got enough rest if I did manage to fall asleep during the day.

I just wanted all of the thoughts to go away. The thoughts that seemed to bounce around in my head like jumping beans. They never slowed down or stopped. When all I desperately needed was for them to stop. For everything to just…

“It’s ok,” Cole said still rubbing my back slowly, “Just get it out. It’s ok.”

“Why is he crying?” I heard Mike in a timid voice ask Cole.

“He’s just stressed. You know how sometimes your mum goes and hides in her room for a while or just wants to be in the nursery with the babies?” Cole asked him.

“Yeah,” Mike said, “It’s like that?”

“Yeah,” Cole said, “You want to ask him if he wants to cuddle? Cuddling makes people feel better sometimes.”

“I know it does. I know it makes me feel better,” Mike said as he took a few steps his voice getting closer, “Willy do you want to cuddle with me?”

I didn’t look up but nodded my head Cole moving so Mike could crawl into bed with me, him laying his head on my back as he rubbed my shoulders like Cole had been doing, “It’s ok. Everything will be ok Willy, you’ll see.”

Cole was right it was making me feel better. Having my little brother cuddle with me and telling me things were going to be ok. I had a hard time believing that. Knowing that he would kill us if he ever found us. Or at least kill mum if he ever found us. I didn’t want him to ever find us. I begged to god in that moment that we got away safe. That we never came back.

Mum must have been busy that night because after a while I heard Cole wish Mike a good night. Mum didn’t come in to check and make sure Mike had gone to bed though and I was too tired to help. Even though I was sure if I hadn’t John probably had.  
I woke up when my alarm went off to find not one but two little boys in my bed. Both Mike and James had slept with me and I found it weird that I hadn’t felt incredibly cramped considering it was the three of us all stuffed into my twin sized bed. Me nearly knocking James out of my bed as I reached over to turn off my alarm.

“Willy why do you get up so early?” James yawned at me looking at the alarm.

“It helps me make sure you guys get ready for school and you’re ready to get on the bus by the time I leave,” I said before a big yawn escaped me too, “Does mum know you two are in here?”

“I don’t know I fell asleep cuddling with you,” Mike said stretching as he sat up.

“I had a bad dream,” James informed me, “John wouldn’t wake up and Mum wasn’t here so… I came here.”

“Ok bud,” I sighed, “how about you two go and sit down at the table I’ll grab the cereal in a few minutes.”

“Ok Willy,” James said as Mike climbed out of my bed and they walked down the hallway me going into my bathroom to use it before I started getting dressed.

I remember feeling better than I had in a while. Even though it was currently just a little before six in the morning. Me making sure that my uniform was on and my tie done before I went out into the kitchen and pulled down bowls. Matt the only one dressed as he sat at the breakfast table before John came out down the hallway followed by Cat who was also dressed.

“I’ll pour you two some fruit loops go get dressed ok?” I told Mike and James who both nodded and took off back down the hallway.

“Are you ok the morning?” John asked me.

I nodded my head in response. I actually felt pretty good, “You?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” He told me, “So it’s Wednesday. Are you ready for confession?”

“About my swearing and unholy thoughts?” I asked him.

“You have unholy thoughts Will? Who knew?” Matt said sounding much older than 8 years old.

“Matt don’t start, it’s too early,” John muttered sitting down with his own bowl.

“Start what?” Matt asked him smiling.

“You make life too hard,” John sighed.

“If it was easy it’d be a whore like Wi…”

“Mum’s not here and I will smack you,” John warned him.

“Says Da’s favorite pet,” Matt said smirking.

“You want to keep going I have no problem decking right here and right now I don’t care if you’re 8 you don’t dare call him that. And I’m not anyone’s pet,” John hissed before Mum cleared her throat.

“If he is giving you trouble I have no problem taking him over my knee myself thank you love,” Mum said.

“Right, sorry Mum,” John sighed as he stood up, “I’m going to … go now.”

“John love,” Mum said as he grabbed his bag from where it was resting up against the wall and stepped into the lift.

“Really? Why do you have to upset him?” I asked him.

“It’s not my fault he’s Da’s little….”

“MATTHEW!” Mum shouted loudly, “What has gotten into you lately? All of the name calling and language. Your brother is nothing of the sort. And don’t think I haven’t heard what you call William and that’s just as bad if not worse. You need to keep whatever names you think they deserve to yourself because as your mother I can tell you none of what you assume is the case is what is actually happening.”

“What you think that just because they’re forcing them to do it they don’t like it? That’s not true. Da forces me sometimes and I like it. Sometimes it feels nice. It’s true and they all know it. Ask them,” Matt insisted looking at mum.

I felt my face glowing. It wasn’t like he was lying but it was still hard to hear. That your body did those things. Responded to them like that. It made you dread everything they did. Being alone with them. Sometimes even being alone with yourself. Knowing it’s your body and there isn’t any way to get away from the thing that did that. That let them think you liked it.

“Matthew, we talked about that last night remember?” Mum asked to him in a stern tone.

“Yeah that’s what you say but how do you know that’s true? You’re not a boy,” Matty told mum.

“I’ll have Dr. Palmer come talk to you about it if you don’t believe me. Would you be ok with that?” Mum asked him.

“Sure, I’ll talk to him after school if you want,” Matt said shrugging his shoulders.

I had no idea why he didn’t believe mum when she said it. I wasn’t going to go over that with him. It was embarrassing enough to know it happened. To me and most definitely to John. To just about everyone. I couldn’t ever say that though. That it made me orgasm. That very often it made me orgasm.

“I’ll make a call and see if he can come over. You have to quit harassing your brothers. They didn’t ask for this. None of you did. So, quit being so mean to them,” Mum said.

“Mum I’m going to leave, get ready to go,” I said quietly interrupting her conversation with Matthew.

“Ok love,” Mum said, “Have a good day.”

“Yeah, I’ll see you when I get home,” I said as I stepped into the lift and headed to the bus stop.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will has a hard day at school. Uncle Ben gets him alone and which afterwards he has a surprising quiet bonding moment with Pat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 531 to 552. I will probably post at least one more time this week just to us to Montana and maybe even past it (like I said I would cover it more than I did with John but not in a lot of detail just more). **Warnings: Rape/non-con, restraints, toys, forced kissing, forced handjob, forced begging, force oral, forced anal fingering,**

I remember some kid watching me on the bus. It wasn’t an older kid at least not older by much but he kept eyeing me. Him bumping into me and hissing male bait at me when he pushed past me. 

So, it was going to be that type of day. Lovely. I remember thinking that as I sat down in class waiting for other taunts and jeers. They didn’t come though. Me sitting down at lunch Finn smiling brightly as he came out of the lunch line towards the table a few minutes later.

“Well fuck look who finally decided to show up!” he crowed loudly making me frown which caused Teddy to laugh who was close behind him.

“I told him you were ok,” Ted said quietly.

“Ok! No one is ok after that. None of us so don’t lie,” Finn insisted, “How are you though seriously?”

“I’m fine,” I said, “I was sore, John was high as fuck. So, we just kind of…mum wanted us to stay home.”

“Ah,” Finn said nodding his head, “Your mom is nice. My dad sent me back to school bright and early on Monday morning.”

“That sucks,” I muttered into my plate of fish sticks.

“Yeah. It does,” Finn said, “At least everything will be ok for a while. Probably up until a week or two before break.”

“You really think so?” Quinn asked as he sat down.

“For sure,” Finn said, “I mean think about it. Most of our dads don’t want us missing school even if they are assholes. So that’s why they usually don’t do it during the school year and wait until summer. And then it’s all summer long they…”

Finn trailed off as Ted cleared his throat raising his eyebrows and smiling, “You’re using my lame superpower Finn.”

“Not true,” Finn said, “I was intentionally talking about it. Not trying to find another topic and then somehow getting back on the subject.”

“What are you guys all doing for Easter break?” Quinn asked all of us.

“Praying,” Ted said.

“Probably about the same,” I agreed.

My mum was a very strict Catholic and it made more sense than telling them I didn’t know what my plans were because I didn’t know where I would be. Or what I would be doing. I didn’t even know if I would have a roof over my head because I was supposed to be leaving at the end of next week.

Mum said not to tell anyone. To just not say anything about it and pretend that everything was normal. That way no one would be able to stop us. And I knew she was right if I told and the wrong person overheard or said something then they would know and mum would be dead for trying to take us away.

I knew I would miss my friends but, I knew I also couldn’t tell them anything about leaving. That if I did I would put them at risk too and that was something I didn’t want to do. I didn’t want to put anyone at risk that didn’t have to be. It was already dangerous enough that we were leaving let alone telling anyone that we were. At least anyone else since I was pretty sure that Pat knew and I knew for a fact that Cole was aware of what was going on.

I don’t remember the rest of the week really. I don’t think Uncle Ben touched me but I remember my brain feeling like it was on overdrive with anxiety. Me just pushing to get through each day. To keep myself together. By Friday I was enough of a nervous wreck I remember making sure everyone was in bed while mum chatted quietly on the phone. Then I climbed into the shower. Looking for something else, something besides the sowing needle thinking that if I could get some of the anxiety out of me I might feel better. That I might be able to sleep.

After digging under the sink, I found a pair of scissors. I just wanted it out of me, something, anything so I could just sleep. So, I didn’t have to think about what would happen next week if mum didn’t get us away in time. If we got caught trying to leave like we had last time. How badly it would all end. How our lives were going to be over if it happened again all because of me.

I took the scissors into the shower with me. I opened the two blades looking at how sharp they were before I struck it against my leg once as hard as I could and then twice, then a third-time relief finally flooding me as the droplets of red started blossoming on my skin. The sting felt great. Giving me something else to focus on. Giving me a chance to relax, to allow myself to believe that everything would be ok, controlled and calm. That I could control this. That things would be ok.

I don’t know where Uncle Ben was. Not until Sunday when he showed up downstairs as I was grabbing orange Juice. I could smell him before his hand landed on my shoulder making me drop the carton on the floor. The feeling of orange juice soaking my socks as he started rubbing my shoulders sniffing the back of my hair.

“Hi baby,” he said barely a whisper into my ear sending a shiver down my spine.

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that he was allowed to hurt me. It wasn’t fair that it wasn’t just Lionel and Da but that it had to be him too. None of it was fair. I remember thinking that as I started crying. As my body started shaking and he kissed the back of my neck.

“It’s ok baby we’ll clean it up later ok?” he muttered as he continued to kiss the back of my neck. It was almost 2pm. We were eating a late brunch and had just gotten home from mass maybe half an hour before. I was tired, and worn down from sitting in the pews and watching one of my other rapists smile at the crowd of children. At the parents.

Every time I looked at one of them I remembered. What their hands felt like, their mouths. I just wanted to be free of that. Free of the hands that were clawing at my hips and going to my belt. Free of the hands that I was pulling at to let me go.

“Don’t,” I said shaking my head.

“You’re lucky. You’re lucky I can’t hurt you. Otherwise that would cost you. Come on, downstairs.”

I shook my head again, “NO! You can’t. You can’t!” I begged him as I started sobbing wordlessly sobbing him picking me up and throwing me over his shoulder.

The only thing I could do was protect my head with my hands as my arms kept hitting against the steps as he walked down the stairs. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to have to sex with him. I didn’t care what Lionel said he could do or Da. I didn’t want it.  
I only moved my arms away from my head when I heard him open the door the blood rushing around my brain as he lifted me up and nearly body slammed me onto the bed.

“God you’re so fucking sexy even when you cry,” he mumbled as I started pushing at him the best I could whining and screaming, “I would make you cry harder if could. Would you scream for me baby? Scream for me as I fuck you? Beg me for it?”

I shook my head still trying to push him away, “PLEASE UNCLE BEN PLEASE! PLEASE DON’T. PLEASE STOP! STOP! PLEASE JUST STOP!”

I kept hoping someone would hear me. Even though I knew they wouldn’t. That mum wouldn’t hear anything or John. That no one could help me. Even if someone had been upstairs in the kitchen they wouldn’t have been able to hear me. The rooms downstairs all being sound proof.

He grabbed my neck staring coldly into my eyes making me freeze. He couldn’t, he wouldn’t, he wasn’t allowed. Him squeezing lightly. Hard enough to scare me but not hard enough to leave a bruise. Him smiling as I quieted down.

“You’re so lucky,” he muttered, “You want me to fuck you or make love to you? You’re choice. Either way you’ll beg. I’m not quiet into the screaming from you unless it’s the type of screaming the boss tells me you can do. Thinking about that…now that’s nice.”  
I wanted to shake my head. I wouldn’t do that again. Never again. He couldn’t really hurt me. Not bad. There were things he wasn’t allowed to do. I knew there were things he wasn’t allowed to do. I exhaled causing myself to hiccup. I didn’t like the way he was looking at me. Like he was imagining things, bad things. Like the toy that had made me bleed. Where he had taken the pictures.

“You want to beg for me baby?” he chided, “Tell me to fuck you, suck you?”

His hand left my neck rubbing my collar bone through my undershirt. The undershirt I had been wearing upstairs. Usually when we got home from church we ended up at the very least taking off our oxfords. It was never too cold to walk around in our undershirts. It was something we did sometimes when Da and Uncle Ben weren’t around and Uncle Ben had been gone for several days.

I wanted to scream. He must have seen it in my face because his smile just grew, “Just remember I’m not allowed to leave bruises on you but that doesn’t mean I can’t on Mikey. I could go upstairs and bring him down here right now. I could beat the living shit out of him. Make him beg for me and you know what the boss would do about it? Nothing. Nothing because Mike isn’t his. How would you feel about that? Him begging me instead of you?”

I felt my throat tighten like his hand was still there. Like he was squeezing it. I knew he wouldn’t lie about something like that just like Da wouldn’t lie. He’d do it if I didn’t let him do what he wanted to me. Me finally no longer able to look at him. My resolve breaking. 

I could feel his smile before he started laughing. Laughing like he was happy because he knew he had won some sick twisted game sighing as he licked my neck moving his weight as his hands started fiddling with my belt.

“That’s right, submit,” he muttered into my cheek, “You’re going to let me do whatever I fucking want and you’re not going to say a thing to anyone. You understand?”

I gulped nodding my head. I hated what that meant but I couldn’t fight him on it. He would hurt him. He sighed making a satisfied sound, “You promise?” he asked me.

“I promise,” I said not able to look at him.

“Sit up, take off your clothes,” he said getting up and going across the room.

Take off my clothes? Just like that, like him? I didn’t want to but I thought about Mike. Him making Mike do it instead and I couldn’t stomach the thought. I sighed taking off my shirt and then standing up. My hands shaking as I finished undoing my belt that he had started on before he got up. I didn’t want to know what he was going to do but, I did.

Sometimes uncle Ben could be unpredictable in the way he did things. Where Lionel had a pattern Uncle Ben didn’t. Even Da kind of had one. The kissing and caressing. The “it’s ok I just want to show you that I love you” and then the…everything else. Ben could sometimes be violent. Or he could be slow. Sometimes he used toys and sometimes he didn’t. Da never used toys. The toys were something I hated.

He was over at the dresser and the wall where him and Da kept all of those things. Him hastily undressing himself as I pulled my pants and soaked socks off. Him turning around his smile still firmly in place as he hid something behind his back.

“Lose the undies and lay down,” he ordered me.

“c…can I just…?” I trailed off him letting out a frustrated huff before he answered what he thought I was trying to ask.

“You can’t leave them on no. I want them off. Now,” he said nearly barking the last part at me.

I closed my eyes as I pulled them down stepping out of them and turning around so I climbed onto the bed using my hands and knees him coming over and my giving my butt a gentle slap him laughing, “I love that ass. It’s such a sweet tight little ass.”

I felt my face glowing. I hated when they made comments like that. Comments about my body like I didn’t realize it was…something that they liked. Something that they wanted. That it was the reason they wanted me.

He threw something down next to me. It was white and had a round shaped head on it. I couldn’t really tell what it was but it had a cord to it which he had already plugged it. Whatever it was it was a long cord.

“Come on baby,” he said grabbing one of my arms and forcing me to turn around and sit down on the bed, “God you’re so beautiful. I miss you being all mine. You want to pretend your mine just for today?”

“What am I supposed to do?” I mumbled staring at my lap.

“Lay back,” he said starting to rub himself.

I flopped back so I was laying down on my back. Looking at him and he shook his head, “No how about you lay on the bed like a normal person.”

I sighed and scooted so I was laying with my head in the pillows him straddling me as he leaned into me licking my neck making my face feel sticky and he grabbed one of my arms fastening a shackle around it, chaining me to the headboard. 

Restraints? He was restraining me? Why though? Why it wasn’t like I could…he knew I wasn’t going to fight. Why was he restraining me? He didn’t need to restrain me.

“Calm down I’m not going to hurt you. It’s for our game,” he said.

“What game?” I asked quietly as he put the other shackle on.

“Just our game,” he said quietly, “Just relax. It’ll be fun I promise.”

He started kissing and sucking on my neck as he touched me causing me to squirm. I didn’t like the way it felt. His hands…playing with me. His hands making my body respond the way he wanted it to as his mouth moved to my chest before this weird buzzing sound started making me look at the thing he had. It was in his other hand. Him smiling at me before he put it against my nipple.

I squeaked in shock. It was too sensitive it tickled too much. Maybe it was up to high or something but the head was rotating, spinning up against my skin. Tickling but in a weird way. In a way that felt almost familiar like whenever they shoved something into me. Causing me to wiggle and squirm causing me to try and get it to break contact with my skin.

“Yeah this will be fun,” he said, “When you’ve had enough you beg me for it ok baby? Just say “fuck me Benny, give it to me.” And I’ll stop and let you have what you really want.”

I swallowed and nodded my head. I didn’t want it at all. That’s when he lowered the wand to my genitals. Causing me to scream. I didn’t like the way it felt at all. It tickled so badly it almost burned. The whole thing being too much causing me to gasp. 

He smiled, “Feels good huh? You like it? You wish someone could suck your cock like that?”

I shook my head. I didn’t like it when people did that. Not them. Him grabbing my one knees and pushing on the back of it forcing my knee to bend. Him running the wand over the more sensitive areas of my shaft before moving it to my tip.

“AH STOP, STOP! PLEASE!” I begged him the sensation becoming too much.

“You want me to suck you?” he asked me, “I’ll stop if you tell me to suck it. You’d like that wouldn’t you baby? You’d love that so much. Me sucking on your sweet little cock.”

He was trying to break me. Get to me ask him for it. I didn’t know why. Why he would want me to…beg for it. To beg him for that. I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t. I remember the burning getting more intense the speed or something picking up.

“STOP! Please, please just stop!” I begged him my body no longer able to hold back me feeling that gush rush forward from me. Causing him to smile happily.

“You want me to suck you instead?” he asked me smiling happily.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t it hurt too much, it felt too weird me nodding my head in defeat just hoping that he would stop. That he wouldn’t…that it wouldn’t happen again.

“Say it for me baby, say Benny suck me please. Say it and I’ll stop,” he said so quietly I could barely hear him above the buzzing of the toy.

“Benny suck me please,” I spit out before I let out a sob.

He turned it off. Pulling my legs apart by the knees and settling in-between them. I didn’t want him to. Him touching me and smiling, “You’re so swollen baby. I bet there’s more in there. You want to give it to me?”

I shook my head. I didn’t want his mouth there. I didn’t like it when they put their mouths down there. Him sighing into my belly button. And staring up at me.

“Don’t be like that baby,” he said shaking his head, “I know you want it. It was always one of my favorite parts. Your Da sucking on me until I felt this warm tickle spread all over my body. Always made me feel good after it was over. Made me want to cuddle him. He was always better at it then my Da, our Da. Just didn’t know how to do it right. Had trouble hitting both those spots at the same time. You want me to hit them both at the same time?”

I knew what spots he was talking about. He was talking about the spot inside. The spot inside me that made my whole body feel like jelly and then get really hot. The spot that Lionel had tried so hard to hit the first time that he had hurt me. The spot that they always hurt me trying to find. 

He smiled at my silence and kissed my belly button before he got up grabbing something out of the night stand and I heard a farting sound or the sound of air escaping a tube. Him coming back and laying back down. Him not even waiting up just shoving his finger in hard.

‘STOP! PLEASE STOP!” I begged him and he just smiled before he started moving his finger in a slow circle inside of me causing to whimper like a kicked dog when he finally found it my body jerking upwards slightly to try and get his finger away from that spot. 

“Found it, didn’t I? The good spot? I love that spot,” he muttered before putting his lips around me causing my back to arch.

I hated that my body moved with him. I was just trying to get him to stop but it seemed like no matter which way I moved he could find it. Giving me no choice but to either try and push my hips forward into his mouth or backwards onto his finger. Nothing I did helping relieve any of the sensation that was electrifying my spine, my nervous system.

I remember I started crying, sobbing harder. I wanted it to be over. I wanted him to stop. I remember praying that god would just make him stop. That God would just let it end. Because I didn’t want my body to like it the way it did. I didn’t want my body to tell him it was ok because I knew that’s exactly what my body was doing. Him sucking and licking and stroking with his finger before the heat got too intense like a lightning bolt shooting up my spine my whole body going still me just closing my eyes hoping he was just done but knowing he wasn’t.

He didn’t care that I had gone limp that I was finished him muttering something to me that I don’t recall probably something about how perfect I was before he pushed my legs into my chest and pushed his way inside of me letting out a moan of pleasure. I kept my eyes closed at that point as I panted my body beyond tired. Me just wishing I didn’t have to feel it anymore.

Thinking that he could just do whatever it was he wanted as long as I didn’t have to feel it anymore but my body still shivering and convulsing as he brushed up against my prostate every couple of thrust. He came with a loud grunt that feeling filling me up. Just like it did with Da and Lionel. That like he had last time he had raped me. I hated that feeling. The way it felt sticky and like it was dripping down the back of my legs and out of me even if I hadn’t moved. Even if I was laying down.

He sighed happily as he pulled out pulling me into his chest as he laid beside me, “I love you. You’re my favorite boy you know that? Out of everyone.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. My arms still shackled to the bed. I just wanted a shower. I wanted to breathe and he was…doing what Da did. Making me cuddle with him. I hated it when they did that. Made me cuddle with them. Especially when I just felt like a dirty slut and I just wanted to shower my body covered in their scum mixed with my own and sweat. The smell was always repulsive to me. Just a reminder that all I was to them was that…something to have sex with no matter how I felt about it.

“What are these from?” he said touching my right lower thigh, “Don’t think I didn’t notice them while I was…pleasing you because I did I was just…too preoccupied to ask about them.”

“Nothing,” I answered quietly not looking at him.

“I find that hard to believe. You better hope they heal before Lionel see’s you Friday. He won’t be happy. He has special mittens he uses for boys who hurt themselves. You think that toy was painful that I just used? He has one that’s even stronger. He’ll use it on you until it burns when you piss after he’s finished. You’ll never think of hurting yourself again I promise. There’s nothing more pitiful than a boy who hurts himself. That’s Sergei’s job and mine.”

He snorted in disgust and uncuffed both my hands before he got up, “Get out go upstairs and shower.”

I couldn’t feel my legs my whole body felt weak. Like it just wanted to collapse him getting up and heading into the bathroom. I figured if I was still there when he came back he would just do it again and I couldn’t do it again. I couldn’t do it anymore. Me sitting on the edge of the bed and pulling my underwear on. Even my head felt heavy I was that tired but I somehow managed to get up supporting my weight with my numb legs.

I felt winded getting up the stairs having to stop and sit down a couple of times. My body protesting the movement just wishing that someone anyone would come to help me. Just so I didn’t have to be alone if he decided to come after me again. Just so I didn’t have to suffer alone. It felt like it took me forever to get back up the stairs me finding Mum downstairs looking at the mess of orange juice on the floor confused her eyes going wide in shock as she looked at me.

“Love,” she said coming over and grabbing me.

“I can’t do it anymore mummy,” I said before I started crying, “It hurts. They all hurt so bad.”

“Shhh…,” she said rocking me as she was on her knees on the floor holding me, “I know love. I know. It’s ok. I was so worried when you didn’t come back. Is that why you didn’t come back?”

I nodded my head just trying to breathe. Trying to tell myself I was ok. That we would be ok. I knew it probably wasn’t safe though. Uncle Ben had been told he wasn’t allowed to use his mouth and he had. He had been told he had to use a condom and he hadn’t. This being the second time he had violated those two rules and I felt like it was my fault still.

That it was my fault he wasn’t listening and that I couldn’t tell Lionel because if I did I’d be the one in trouble and not him. I hated Lionel anyway. I hated all of them. Not that anyone could blame me for it. She held me as I quieted down. Her standing up and helping me support my own weight on my still numb legs as we got upstairs her helping me into the tub and then oddly enough handing me a baby. Mac him smiling at me as he chewed on his fist for a minute before he took it out of his mouth.

“Hi,” he said looking at me.

“Mum why am I taking a bath with Mac?” I asked her as she went to go leave.

“John and Pat are taking care of Andy and Laura and Mike and Matt are keeping James and Cat entertained. I have a meeting I have to go to. I’m taking Seamus and Mary with me. I’ll be gone for an hour. The pantry is locked there are boxes of crackers and cookies on the counter and carrot sticks and dip in the fridge along with drinks. No one unlocks the pantry for anything. Got it?” she asked me.

“Yeah, why am I watching Mac though?” I asked her.

She sighed giving me a small smile, “Because he’s your brother and I trust you.”

I nodded my head as she bent down and kissed his forehead and then mine, “I love you boys. I’ll be back soon.”

I sighed as she shut the door behind me. At the time it just stuck me as weird that she would stick me with him but as I got older I realized it was probably because she knew I was close to breaking and that maybe me having to be responsible for other people helped me get out of my own headspace for a while. Helped me realize that things weren’t so bad. That they could always be worse.

“Are you ok?” I asked Mac as he sat in the tub facing me his head titled to the side like he was watching me. Like he was curious about something.

He answered me in babble I didn’t understand and then touched my nose letting out a small giggle as I frowned at him before he said the word, “nose.”

“Aye, that’s my nose,” I told him, “Do you know where your nose is?”

He nodded his head and touched his own nose with his index finger.

“Smart boy,” I told him which made him clap.

“I’m tired,” I sighed more to myself than to him.

He was little. He must have understood because he put his hands together like he was praying and then laid his head on top of them like it was a pillow and smiled at me, “night night?”

“I feel like it. What about you? Are you tired?”

He answered that question in more babble I didn’t understand as I scrubbed myself. He seemed happy to be spending time with me splashing water at me as he giggled and babbled at me.

“Is that right?” I asked him to nothing.

I’ve noticed that’s something that a lot of people do. Speak to them even though you have no idea what they are saying. It’s a development thing it teaches them how to talk and I think it help builds confidence. The idea that you care about their feelings and needs. That even if you don’t understand them it encourages them to keep making sounds or keep “talking” in order to develop good social skills as they get older. Him smiling at me and babbling as he stood up and walked up to me throwing his chubby little arms around my neck.

“Mwah,” he said before he kissed my cheek.

“Well thank you I love you too.”

“A woo boo,” he told me nodding his head.

“Yes, well I’m clean do you feel clean?” I asked him standing up to which he nodded his head smiling.

I climbed out of the bath and grabbed him putting a fresh diaper on him and getting myself dressed thankful that mum didn’t take a close look at me when she was helping me into the tub. It always felt weird being naked around people after we left home. Before we left London, it wasn’t something I really thought about it but once we got to Florida it felt different. Probably because Da and Uncle Ben and the brotherhood had managed to sexualize being nude. Had managed to sexualize our bodies so we even viewed them as sexual things and not just a natural part of our being. So, nudity bothered me. My own, my little siblings, my mum’s my older brothers. I didn’t like people being naked around me and I didn’t like being naked around them.

It was safer to be clothed. Even though sometimes you felt like you might as well not be wearing any when Da or Uncle Ben or someone else stared at you a certain way. Because you knew what they were thinking. You knew they were seeing you naked, seeing what they wanted to do to you. It made you feel sick. It made you feel like there was something wrong with you that they would look at you like that. Until you realized they looked at everyone like that.

Once we were both back in clothes I pulled him into bed with me because I knew he’d lay down if I laid down. That he might get whiny if he couldn’t sleep after a while but he was usually a very calm child. I slept for a long time. Just because I was so tired. So tired of being used and hoping that if I wasn’t awake I wouldn’t have to think about Friday. That I wouldn’t have to think about anything. Just holding my baby brother as I laid there half awake and half asleep so that I could pay attention to his movements. Eventually me hearing loud laughter in the hallway before there was a knock on my door causing me to moan in annoyance which made Mac giggle before pulling on my nose.

“no Macky,” I moaned as someone knocked on my door again.

“So, you do have him then?” John asked me opening my bedroom door.

“Yeah,” I answered rolling over to look at him and Pat who stood in my door way, “Why?”

“Pat and I are going to go for a walk,” John said, “I was wondering if you could get up and keep an eye on everyone. Mike is apparently getting ready to help Cat host a princess tea party. Right now, they are trying to dress Laura in …I’m not even sure what.”

“You’re supposed to be watching Lar and Andy,” I said sitting up thinking about how Matty was the oldest one out there. How if he wasn’t playing video games it probably wasn’t a good idea.

“I was until like a minute ago,” John said, “We’ll be gone 20 minutes tops. We’re walking to the gas station to get some soda and candy. I would take them with me but it’s kind of…it makes everything take twice as long. Mum will be home soon so could you just get up for a little while please?”

“My ass is sore,” I grumbled John’s face falling as I said the words before him and Pat both came into the room.

I rolled my eyes. That was not why I had told him. I had told him so he would abandon his plans to saddle me with complete responsibility. Not because I wanted to talk about it.

“Uncle Ben?” John asked me his face serious.

“Could we not?” I asked as Mac put his knee into the middle of my chest using my chest to push himself up and climb over top of me causing me to cough as his weight sat uncomfortably on my sternum for a minute or two as he held his arms out for John.

“What are you doing monkey?” John asked picking him up, “You have to be nice to Willy he loves you.”

“Woo boo Wee-wee,” he mumbled.

“Then kiss him and say you’re sorry,” John said turning Mac around to face me tickling Mac’s sides causing him to giggle.

“surry,” he muttered before he kissed my cheek.

“it’s ok I forgive you,” I muttered kissing him back before John picked him back up handing him to Pat.

“Why did you tell me if you don’t…”

“Because I want you to stay home. I can handle one but I’m super tired John ok? I’m just tired.”

“You’re always tired lately. What’s gotten into you?” he asked me, “Usually you love them to death but you’ve been short with everyone. What’s going on Will?”

“Rabbit,” Pat said putting his hand his shoulder, “Maybe we should just take them with us. We’ll put them in a stroller it won’t be that big of a deal. Because you know what your mom said about it. We can’t leave Andy and Lar here with just…”

“Yeah, I know I’d like to know why though,” John said.

“I thought I already told you,” I mumbled.

“No, you didn’t,” John said, “Why can’t I leave them with Matty and Mikey? Even for just 20 minutes.”

“Last time they were left alone with him, I don’t know where you were but I was…I don’t even know where I was but I came back from where ever and everyone was screaming. I came into the living room and Matt was on top of Andy while Cat was kicking him and Laura was screaming and punching and pulling at Matt to try and get him to leave Andy alone.”

“Wrestling?” John questioned.

“You know Matt. What do you think?” I asked him.

John shook his head, “And you and mum didn’t tell me any of this?”

I shrugged my shoulders, “You don’t like Matt to begin with and you have enough to worry about. It happened a while ago ok?”

“He’s my kid brother too if he’s hurting anyone I have a right to know. Why isn’t mum doing anything?” he questioned.

“John he’s 8,” I said, “What is she supposed to do?”

“Separate him!” John said rather loudly, “Look there’s something seriously wrong with him. He shouldn’t be around them at all if he’s behaving like that. Who knows what will happen next time he thinks that’s a good idea. He could seriously hurt even James.”

“You don’t know that,” I said shaking my head.

“Yeah but you spend more time with him and if you mentioned it to mum it means you do,” John pointed out causing me to sigh.

He was right. It hadn’t just been that he had pinned him down but that he had almost said what they always said. That he wasn’t going to hurt him, that he just wanted to make him feel good. Which was what Da always said. Before he…I shook my head trying to shake the thought away it shaking me to my core.

“He’s been sleeping in his own room. He’s not allowed to sleep in a room with Mike anymore hasn’t been in about a month. Haven’t you noticed?” I asked him.

“Kind of. I’ve had other things I’m dealing with,” John answered shrugging his shoulders.

“Me too!” I nearly shouted, “You don’t think I’m…” I sighed frustrated because I knew I couldn’t tell him any of that. That just even mentioning it was walking a dangerous line.

“Will seriously,” John said, “What’s going on? You can tell me. Is it Uncle Ben? It is because Da’s not here so he’s getting too… you know?”

I shrugged my shoulders. Even if Da had been around it would have been like that. Maybe it might have been even worse. Almost anyone could see that John was struggling. I was trying to hide it. I just wanted one day where I didn’t have to worry about everyone. One day where my body didn’t feel sore and I didn’t have a pounding headache.

It was Sunday. Tomorrow I had to go to school and pretend everything was fine. That the grandfather of one of my best friends wasn’t going to force me to do horrible things on Friday. That I wasn’t scared. That people didn’t hate me. I was just so tired.  
“Will, it’s ok. Ok,” Pat said, “Come on Rabbit let’s just…forget it ok? Wait until your mum gets home.”

John turned to look at Pat leaning into his ear and saying something causing Pat to smile, “I’m serious we can wait.”

“Eww,” I moaned throwing one of my pillows at John’s face.

“You didn’t hear that, did you?” John asked me.

“No but the way he just looked at you it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what you probably told him. He’s holding our little brother by the way,” I pointed out.

“Our little brother that barely speaks English let alone understands what I may or may not have said,” John answered shrugging his shoulders.

“What did he say Pat?” I asked out of curiousness.

“You really want to know?” Pat asked me an amused look on his face.

I shrugged my shoulders.

“He asked me if I wanted to take a walk in the woods,” Pat said.

“Is that like your make out spot or something?” I asked him to which John’s face started flushing as Pat laughed loudly nodding his head.

“Or something,” Pat added still nodding.

“Gross, yeah please wait until mum gets back. I don’t want to deal with everyone by myself. I have a serious headache. Please John?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” John nodded his head, “You got it. I’ll go and hum…make sure everything is ok out in the living room. Are you coming babe?”

“In a minute,” Pat said as John walked away leaving the door cracked him looking at me contemplatively as John left the room.

“What?” I asked.

“Is it just nerves or…?” Pat asked trailing off.

“I’m tired. And I can’t talk about it anyway. No one is supposed to know.”

“But they do. I do so tell me. You know I won’t tell him. Not him or your mom, no one I swear ok?”

“I don’t…” I sighed sitting up, “You couldn’t understand.”

“Try me. You know who my dad is. Who my basically step dad is. Try me,” Pat said seriously his face softening.

“At the party he did something. It was bad and Uncle Ben found out and now…” I tried to explain the words getting caught as I closed my eyes feeling like I was going to cry.

“Ok,” Pat said nodding his head holding Mac around his middle causing Mac to make an annoyed sound before he started yelling at Pat in babble.

“I think you’re holding him to snugly,” I pointed out.

“Which is why he’s yelling at me and telling me how he feels about it, yes,” Pat agreed.

“Just put him down,” I said.

Pat shook his head looking at the back of Mac’s head, “I worry about him.”

“Hank’s not here you know,” I pointed out.

“No, he’s not but Matt is and if he tried to hurt Andy how do you know he wouldn’t do the same thing to him?”

“I don’t but John’s out there and Mac doesn’t exactly have the speed of a cheetah,” I pointed out which caused Pat to smile and set Mac down on the ground.

“That’s true. Ok,” Pat said brushing his hair back from his face, “I need a haircut.” He muttered more to himself than to me.

“I need one too,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“You want to tell me what he did?” Pat asked to which I vigorously shook my head.

No, I didn’t want to tell him what the leader had done. How he had made me beg for it. How Uncle Ben was now making me beg for it. He would think it was beyond disgusting. He wouldn’t understand it. Why it made me feel bad. Why I even did it. Pat would have rather taken the punch where me…there was so much more on the line if I didn’t just do it. That’s what it felt like. Like there was no way he could understand because he didn’t have a bunch of little people counting on him not to get the snot beat out of him or their mum so they could be taken care of. So, they didn’t have to be the ones that got hurt. 

I felt like he wouldn’t understand how it made me feel gross so deep down no shower would ever make it go away. That even draining a little bit of badness away only helped a little bit and for a limited amount of time before I felt it building back up. The thing inside me that made them think of me like that, look at me like that. That made them want to be with me. That made them choose me and not someone else.

“Ok,” Pat said nodding his head like he understood, “Look, whatever it was it’s nothing you did ok? I can see it in your face that’s what you’re thinking that even though they do things to all of us you’re different somehow. I don’t mean this in bad way but you’re not. You’re not making them do whatever it is they do to you. They’re doing it because they want to ok? It’s not you at all.”

That was easy for him to say. They didn’t make him whine and plead “fuck me daddy and suck me Benny as they… They didn’t. I knew they didn’t.

“Will can I ask you something?” Pat asked me suddenly making me jump slightly for some reason, “Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you. Are you ok?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “I just…my head feels so full lately.”

“You think you’re gay, right?” Pat asked me.

I nodded my head, “Do you think I’m gay?” he asked me, surprising me.

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly, “I haven’t really thought about it. I know you love John. That you’d do anything for him. That you make out with him and other stuff apparently. I feel like sex and romance are two different things though. That maybe it’s really complicated.”

“What do you mean?” he asked me.

“Like,” I sighed sitting up even straighter as I turned to face him, “Like maybe you can love someone even if you aren’t physically attracted to them or it’s not all about physical attraction but maybe more like something else. Maybe there’s something else about John that makes you want to be with him and not because he’s a guy. But more maybe just because he’s him. Like you would even like him if he wasn’t him. Does that make sense?”

“You mean like if he was a girl?” Pat asked me and I nodded my head, “I think you’re right because sometimes I have dreams where and don’t you dare tell him this but it’s him, I can tell it’s him but he’s… a girl and we still just kind of…” he trailed off clearing his throat.

“Have sex?” I asked him Pat covering his face with his hands.

“We haven’t had sex. Not real sex,” he told me.

“You mean without them making you right? That’s what you mean by real sex?” I asked and he nodded his head in response.

“It’s really different,” Pat said, “real sex I mean. Without them making you do it. It’s…I personally think it’s better a lot of us do but some people also don’t like it at all. Can’t imagine ever enjoying it so they don’t.”

“You mean like how Cole does it a lot?” I asked him.

“He told you about that huh?” he asked me to which I nodded my head, “Cole shouldn’t be telling you stuff like that.”

“Why because I’m 10? Dr. Palmer told me that too. About Cole I mean.” I said.

“Vic is so weird,” Pat said, “I mean he’s a great guy but he’s weird.”

“We’re all weird,” I said, “I mean you’re questioning if you’re gay because you’re in love with my brother. I have a crush on your brother who only made out with me because he was high and swears up and down it will never happen again at least not until I’m older even though we’re all hoping that it won’t happen anyway because we’re getting ready to leave and hopefully never come back which your brother gave our mum money to help get us away. What else? Oh, one of my younger brothers enjoys tormenting people believes that what our Da does to him is normal because he’s our Da and apparently, he believes everything Da say’s is the truth and he mutilates bunnies and lizards and he also almost molested my two-year-old brother who is only slightly older than my other brother who your Da is a threat towards because he has a thing for redheads which is also a trait he shares with the brother you happen to be in love with. Am I missing anything?”

“No, I think that’s…that’s most it,” he said, “You didn’t include any other brotherhood members in that though. Like you’re uncle for example.”

“My uncle is just an asshole. Who happens to look at me the same way Da looks at John,” I said before exhaling deeply.

“You’re Da and John have a very complicated relationship,” Pat said quietly.

“I know,” I agreed, “he always tells me I’m almost as good as John.”

“Oh Will,” Pat inhaled like he was shocked, “God.”

I shrugged my shoulders, “It’s better then what the rest of them say.”

“What do they say?” he asked me.

I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about that. Any of it.

“You do realize that’s some of the worst things about it? What they say. How they make threats and …say horrible things about you? They do it to everyone.”

“Has my uncle ever asked you if you wanted to fuck or make love?” I asked him feeling myself get angry, “If he hasn’t then don’t bother asking me what they say. Because I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to think about it and I don’t want to ….”

“Hear it,” he said nodding his head, “Ok. I get that. I do.”

“It’s humiliating,” I admitted, “I didn’t even know what he meant until the time before last time, before today. I didn’t know there was a difference. You know how embarrassing that is? To not understand.”

“Yeah, I remember,” Pat said, “It just makes it that much more confusing. I remember all of those firsts and what not and it’s like you said it’s embarrassing.”

“I had to ask John what 69 was. Because Da did it but didn’t tell me what it was. I wanted to know if it was normal. If it was something people did because I…,” I felt my eyes pricking.

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with asking John that. That’s something even normal siblings do ok? Even when it’s not their Dad I’m sure of it. Jake Peters, I heard his little brother ask him that same thing once at a school picnic. Jake was looking at a dirty magazine and he asked why that woman had the guys thing in her mouth and why he looked like he was eating her lady bits. Took everything in me not to laugh but I’m sure it’s a pretty normal question kids ask their older siblings.” Pat tried to assure me.

“Not because their Da did it though,” I said shaking my head, “Not because their da made them…” I trailed off.

“You’re right but it’s still a pretty normal question even if 10 does seem a bit young to be asking but we’re not normal ok? Don’t compare yourself to normal. This, the brotherhood all of it. None of it is normal. Normal 10-year olds don’t make out with 13-year-old boys in their bedrooms in the dark ok? Normal boys don’t have marks on their hips telling people they’re no better than property.”

“Normal boys aren’t forced to date old men,” I muttered more to myself than to him.

“That’s right,” Pat said nodding his head, “They told you that line too? That it’s like dating?”

“Well when you date people that’s what you do are those things. You go places with them and give them things and…you know,” I answered.

“When you’re older yes,” Pat said, “I know you know there’s a difference. You’re smart. I know you’re aware there’s a huge difference.”

“Between sex and what they do? Yeah, I know there is. I just don’t know what it is yet,” I confessed.

“You will one day,” Pat said, “Don’t be in a hurry to figure it out though. There’s plenty of time for you to grow up. You’ll be leaving soon. So just try and calm down ok? Then you can tell them everything. Let them help you with …all of that.”

“You mean what he does? What…,” I swallowed even saying his name causing me fear. Like he would somehow know I was talking about him, about us. Vic had made that very clear Lionel thought that was private stuff. Stuff that I shouldn’t talk about with anyone. That he would get mad if I did, “What Lionel does?”

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head, “It’ll help you be a kid again not to keep it all to yourself. Trust me. Probably the only reason I was ever allowed to be a kid is because everything that happened to me Cole went through and Charlie. I never had to feel alone. Not like Cole did. Maybe if he’s far away you can let go of some of that. Trying to protect everyone from that, from him.”

“Maybe,” I said nodding my head, “I think it makes me tired. I want to say it sometimes so bad and I know I can’t.”

“Oh Will,” Pat said as I started crying, “Come here it’s ok.”

“It’s not ok. I can’t. I know I can’t. You have no idea how bad it hurts.”

“Shhh,” Pat said climbing onto the bed with me and hugging me, “You’re right I don’t. I don’t know how bad it hurts but I’ve seen Cole struggle with it. I know what it did to him. I watched him almost die because of it. So, I imagine it’s pretty painful but it’s pain you’ll be allowed to let go of ok? Somewhere safe where he won’t ever be able to hurt you again.”

“I hope so,” I said as Pat continued to hug me and I let him, “It makes me so tired all the time. I keep thinking if I say something that so many bad things will happen. I feel scared even talking to you about it.”

“We’re not really talking about anything other than the fact that I know ok? So, don’t worry. You haven’t said anything to me about it that could get you in trouble. You haven’t told me any details about anything so you’re safe ok? If he found out I knew he wouldn’t be happy but he wouldn’t kill me or anything. It always gets out eventually. Everyone knows about Kris and Cole. It didn’t take that much to figure out Ted.”

“You know about him and Ted?” I asked closing my eyes as I started to relax into Pat’s shoulder my body feeling heavy as my tears started to slow down.

“Yeah,” Pat said, “Usually every five years or so he changes boys when he let Cole go he didn’t pick another one. He wouldn’t have to if…if he already had one. The boys he chooses sometimes they miss a lot of school. That’s why Cole started failing classes he was gone a lot that summer because he was at the Villa or away in…I was left home with dad and Arthur and Cole was just gone.”

The way he made it sound it sounded different then how Lionel had talked about it. He talked about Cole being in New York with him for two weeks. Pat made it sound like Cole was gone for a lot longer than that. It made me scared thinking of what would happen if we didn’t get away. If he would lock me up in some condo or something somewhere. Probably in a cage under a bed like the one he had in his room at the Villa.

“Are you ok?” He asked me after a moment of two of silence.

“Yeah, I’m sorry,” I mumbled, “I’m just tired.”

“Ok. I’ll let you sleep all right? Don’t worry about watching Mac or anything. Your mum will be home soon we’ll watch out for them until she gets here,” he said letting me go and standing up to leave.

“Pat?” I asked him as I started to lay back down.

“Yeah?” he asked turning back to look at me.

“You’re not going to tell John, right? About anything,” I asked.

“Of course not. I said I wouldn’t and I won’t. You’ll tell them when you’re ready. I know you will. Just take a nap ok?” Pat assured me.

“Ok. Thank you,” I said.

“You’re welcome,” he said smiling at me as he shut my door behind him.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will has another hard day at school and learns that he has made enemies through no fault of his own. Teddy tells him what can be expected for the coming weekend before he goes home and bonds with his family walking in on Pat and John having a private goodbye only to learn the reason why and something else that surprises him even though it's something that is said too late or too early depending on how you look at it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 552 to 582 **Warnings: Bullying, teasing, talk of childhood sexual abuse, anxiety, first crush, mental health issues** This is the last chapter before they finally leave and make their escape. Like I said there's more detail about Montana then you saw from John's POV even though it's not a huge amount it still gives you some insight into what happened there.

I don’t think I ate that night. I don’t remember eating that night. I remember waking up the next morning to my alarm and going to school. Me finding a note taped to my locker door which I snatched away reading it and snorting with annoyance as I read the new nickname I had acquired in chicken scratch on a piece of paper the taunt staring at me like it had a life of its own, “Harem boy.”

I figured it was an awesome start to my day like my body wasn’t sore and my mind didn’t feel broken enough. People had to taunt me about it. Had to let me know they knew. I hated it. My only comforting thought was at least I didn’t talk to them. At least if they wanted to bother me about things I had friends that would tell them to piss off. At least…I wasn’t completely alone at school.

When I sat down in Math Todd looked at me before he passed me a note as Father Barney started talking about what we were working on in class today. I was afraid of what it said since every not I had gotten up to that point had been a taunt of some kind but all it said was two simple words. Words that for some reason I wasn’t expecting, “I’m sorry.” I looked at me questioningly before Father Barney told us to work on our problems quietly.

“What are you sorry for?” I asked him quietly.

“For being a jerk last week. It’s just hard ok? It’s…,” he sighed.

“It’s ok,” I said, “You might have been upset but I didn’t think you were super mean to me. You didn’t…”

“I heard about that. Tom can be an asshole and Danny,” he told me, “They hang out with Julian.”

“Don’t you still hang out with him?” I asked him.

“Only because we’ve been friends since…forever,” he sighed quietly, “I didn’t know he was like that. You have to admit though Teddy is weird.”

I thought about how everyone said that. How it was true but how he had told me why. Which I got the feeling was something he didn’t tell people considering he made me swear I would never tell anyone ever. About how he didn’t know it wasn’t normal until he was older. Until he was around seven or eight. How it seemed like sometimes he was still getting used to it. To people considering those things abnormal or twisted. I thought about how badly that had probably screwed him up and how that was probably why he was such a spaz. Me sighing before I nodded my head in agreement.

“Teddy has a lot going on that makes him weird,” I answered simply.

“Well yeah considering,” Todd said quietly, “I mean we all kind of do. I think Julian is honestly just confused. I don’t think he hates Teddy or Cole I think he’s just scared. He’s already been talking about them a little bit. But…,”

“He doesn’t like me,” I said.

“Julian has struggled with his grades since we were kids. Nothing has ever come easy to him and here you are. You’re smart, you’re super smart and you’re…you and…”

I felt my face heating up thinking of what he probably meant by that. Me being me. Julian and I looked nothing alike. Where I was tall and scrawny he was stocky. He wasn’t fat but he was short and built. His eyes were blue and mine were green. His hair was dark where mine was light. I didn’t think Julian was ugly by any means. I thought he was average looking. 

Honestly even Wallace wasn’t really ugly in my opinion just different looking. It was almost like the brotherhood didn’t have any boys that were really ugly. Not that I had seen anyway. I mean most of us weren’t model material but that didn’t make any of us ugly. But I figured that’s what Todd meant. That I was attractive whereas Julian felt he wasn’t. Even though I didn’t feel attractive and probably wouldn’t have thought I was any better looking than anyone else if I wasn’t constantly told that I was. Not that it made me feel good about myself.

It made me feel self-conscious. Because I knew that’s what they liked about me. Uncle Ben and Da and even Lionel. That they liked the way I looked. 

“I don’t like it,” I said shaking my head, “I’d rather be someone else. Anyone else.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being you,” Todd said.

“Don’t say that,” I said probably a little louder than I had meant to as I saw out of the corner of my eye the person in the row next to us stopping to turn and look at me, “I’d rather be anyone else. You don’t know. You have no idea. None.”

“You’re right I don’t,” Todd said, “He thinks it’s easier for you ok? That’s all it is. He’s jealous.”

“He’s jealous of what he thinks it’s like. It’s not like that. I promise it’s not like that,” I said in a whispered hiss lowering my voice so I wasn’t attracting more attention.

“I know,” Todd said nodding his head in assurance that he understood. That he understood no one knew what it was like to be me, to have my experiences. That he understood very few people shared those experiences with me, “Look everyone thinks the grass is greener on the other side ok? That’s just the way it is. I realize I don’t understand ok. I do.”

“So, he knows?” I asked him barely above a whisper, “About…?”

“A lot of people do. We’re not supposed to talk about it because no one is supposed to know but he knows yeah. He was making fun of you calling you an ass kisser and what not and Quinn told him to shut up. That he had no idea what you were like because he basically wrote you off the moment you got here. Quinn told him you have it a lot harder than Julian realizes and then he said something about it. The…how you were supposed to be at the party but not at it as the same time. I think that’s what tipped him off. That and the fact that Ted and Finn always seem to stick up for you. I think that’s why he dislikes you. Because he feels like they are choosing you over him.”

I sighed so Julian was the problem. Julian was the one who didn’t like me. The notes and people calling me names and asking me questions was probably partly Julian’s fault and he didn’t even know that I might be gay. I could only imagine how bad it would get if he found that out. He would have a field day.

“I don’t even want to be here,” I said quietly.

“None of us do,” Todd said, “I know it’s not your fault ok? I do. Julian doesn’t see it that way though. A lot of them pick the smart boys, the pretty boys when they decide on a contract. He feels like he’s none of those things where you are.”

“He thinks a contract is a good thing?” I asked feeling shocked.

Why on earth would someone feel like having to lay down and let some old man do that to you was a good thing? It was a nightmare. It fucking sucked. Knowing that you were someone’s property. Knowing that you had to do whatever they told you or something bad would happen. That you wouldn’t only get punished by them but your Da. The person who handed you over to them.

I put my face in my hands putting my pencil down. I felt like I was about to start crying or screaming. There was nothing good about it. Not a damn thing.

Todd sighed leaning closer to me so he could whisper better, so no one would overhear for sure. I could tell he was nervous talking about it in class. In class where someone could over hear. Where father Barney could overhear. 

“It does have benefits even if they suck,” Todd told me quietly, “If you’re in a contract you’re exclusive. No one can just come into your house and ask to see you. Sometimes they have to give you gifts and take you places. Like dating kind of.

Without a contract if your Dad says no to someone they can go right to the leader and if the leader says yes, your Dad has to let that person…give you lessons. With contracts they can’t do that. They have to ask your contract holder and your Dad and they both have to agree and rarely ever will the leader agree to it if they don’t. Usually there’s certain things in the contract that they’re not allowed to do and if they can’t do it no one else can like beating you. Without contracts you don’t have that protection. Someone can whip you until you’re fucking bloody and there is nothing your Dad can really do about it. Contracts are lucky. I know you don’t see it that way but a lot of us do.”

“It’s not lucky Todd,” I said after taking a deep breath and calming myself down, “I don’t feel lucky. He’s…”

I shook my head picking my pencil back up. I wasn’t talking about that. What he was like. I wasn’t going to tell anyone because it would get around and there were only three other people besides me that would know any of that. Eventually he would narrow it down to who told. Then it wouldn’t be me who would pay for it.

“What?” Todd asked me quietly as he put his hand on my shoulder causing me to jerk away and shake my head.

“Don’t,” I said as Todd pulled his hand away nodding his head.

“Ok,” Todd said, “Look I’ll talk to him ok? It doesn’t mean it’ll get better but maybe he’ll stop spreading rumors.”

“Rumors that I’m a harem boy?” I asked him, “Do you even know what that means?”

“Everyone knows what a harem is so yeah,” Todd said, “That’s what we all are though if you really think about it.”

“Yeah but not everyone gets notes tapped to their lockers that say it,” I hissed.

“That’s probably Danny, Shane and Tom,” Todd said quietly, “They’re mean. They’ve already been tracked.”

“What does that even mean?” I asked him.

“They’re trackers. They like…they’re not really allowed to touch anyone officially but they’re like our dad’s,” Todd explained, “They like it. All of that. The…sex,” he said the word barely above a whisper, “the pain the humiliation. All of it. It doesn’t mean they’ll do anything to you just that they’re assholes really. A lot of trackers aren’t even really into guys. Not at first anyway. They just take what they can get.”

“What does that mean?” I asked him frowning.

“Well, there are three…,” he trailed off both of us going stiff as Father Barney’s hand landed on Todd’s shoulder.

“We’re doing our work correct?” he asked us.

“Yes father,” Todd said his whole-body stiff like a board his face seeming to lose its color.

“I hope you’re having a very interesting discussion about fractions otherwise there is a lot of needless whispering happening,” he said laying his other hand on Todd’s other shoulder Todd closing his eyes and gulping at he squeezed his pencil in his fist so hard I heard a small muffled pop.

Todd had broken his pencil. Snapped it in his fist. I had no idea. Not that he would tell me but, I could only imagine what a nightmare school was for him. I knew that reaction. I knew what it was from. I cleared my throat trying to think of something to distract Father Barney to get him to take his hands-off Todd so Todd didn’t have to feel that enveloping panic spreading through his body as he tried not to freak out.

“I huh, I’m having issues do you cross divide like you cross multiple? Todd was trying to explain it to me,” I said quietly Father Barney sighing as he took his hands-off Todd’s shoulders and Todd standing up his legs seeming shaky as he walked over the pencil sharpener on the wall with both ends of his pencil.

Father Barney moved up behind me looking over my shoulder, “You seem to be understanding it fine.” He said after examining my work, “Just keep the chatter down ok?”

“Yes Father,” I said sighing heavily as he walked away.

I felt sick to my stomach. If I had known I would have been more careful. Me looking over to see Todd paused at the pencil sharpener like he was taking his time, like he was trying to gather himself and tell himself it was ok even though we both knew it wasn’t. Not really. Him coming back to his seat only after he had sharpened both ends of his pencil including the one that didn’t need to be sharpened.

“Are you ok?” I asked him to which he nodded his head before he reached down and grabbed a stick-on eraser to put on the broken and jagged end of the one pencil.

“I’m fine,” he said not looking at me.

“I didn’t…”

“It’s fine,” Todd cut me off, “Don’t worry about it. I’m fine.”

I knew that fine. It was the one I used all the time at least once a day. Where I was trying to ignore the thoughts screaming and clawing through my brain. Telling me I was anything but fine. Where I was trying hard to convince myself that I was ok even when I wasn’t.

We worked in silence for the rest of the class Todd visibly relaxing when he walked out of the classroom after the bell rang me going up to him, “I’m sorry I didn’t know. I swear I didn’t…”

“How would you?” he asked me rather sharply, “Look it’s ok. All right I’m ok really. That’s why I don’t usually talk though. It draws his attention and…”

“Yeah,” I nodded my head understanding why that was a problem. If it drew his attention he came over to check and see if Todd was actually doing his work where as if he didn’t speak it looked like he was.

And here I thought it was just because he wasn’t a morning person. It was because he was afraid of him. A fear that I understood well considering the way Father Barney had looked at me and treated me when I first started coming to school. I don’t know why I didn’t notice it before. I felt guilty for it. If I hadn’t of asked all of those questions about Julian it never would have happened. If I hadn’t of asked what Trackers were because I couldn’t remember it would have never happened.

“We can talk about some other time ok? At lunch as long as we’re…we’re quiet no one will pay attention and it’s just going to be us brotherhood kids anyway at lunch so…” he trailed off shrugging his shoulders.

“Aren’t you going to sit with Julian?” I asked him.

“Not today. He’s been horrible since last week after all of that. So, maybe a little break from him bad mouthing everyone will be nice. He’ll go sit with Danny and Don. It’s not a big deal,” he said as he walked across the hall and got into his locker.

I nodded my head going into my own locker and grabbing my science book. We also had science with Father Barney me sighing as I sat down back next to Todd as the bell rang again us both opening our books and doing our work in that class in silence.  
I remember picking out a salad for my lunch that day along with a taco. It looked good. I don’t know why I thought that but Mexican food wasn’t something we ate a lot of at home and I liked tacos and the salad was fresh and green none of the leaves wilted or turning brown me sitting down with my food at the table were Finn and Teddy were already sitting.

“Hey,” Finn said before he looked at me frowning, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “Why?”

“You kind of have this pissed off look on your face like someone shoved a…”

“Ted really?” Finn snorted.

“I was going to say undewear stuck up his ass,” Ted said.

“Like someone shoved an underwear stuck up your ass?” Finn questioned, “Now you see why I don’t believe that was what you were about to say?”

“Yeah ok, fine I was going to say stick or something else,” Ted muttered.

“It’s nothing,” I said, “Just tired a lot lately.”

“You missed a lot of school last week. Was that because you were tired after…you know everything?” Finn asked.

I just nodded my head. Sure, I hadn’t been exposed to everything everyone else had but it was still hard for me to deal with. Feeling like a…thing and not a person.

“So how was your weekend?” Finn asked me.

“It actually wasn’t horrible. I felt super tired though still and mostly watched the babies and slept I think. I don’t really remember but I’m pretty sure not a lot happened,” I answered, “You?”

“Oh, mine was actually kind of awesome. Dad dropped Wallace and me off at the beach house because he wanted to go do something. I’m not even sure what he was doing but anyway. I spent a lot of time in the barn with Timber and Bob. They make better company than Wallace and he was the only person there so…,” Finn said smiling.

“Knowing your brother, I have never heard a truer statement, “Ted said, “But…how can you ride your horse after…you know?”

“Oh, you mean does it make it worse?” Finn asked taking a bite of his food, “If I’m riding Timber I’m not being ridden so it works out just fine for me.”

I must have grimaced because Teddy laughed loudly, “Don’t like the conversation Will?”

“How can you just…talk about it like that? Like it’s normal?” I asked them quietly.

“Because for us it is,” Finn said shrugging his shoulders, “I’m not usually this crass about it yeah but, I mean you have to fun with it sometimes. But yeah I chose to spend my time with Bob and Timber.”

“Why Bob?” Teddy asked him, “Isn’t Bob Wal’s horse?”

“Because he’s a horse he deserves love too. Just because Wal is an ass doesn’t mean he is. If he was he’d probably be smaller,” Finn muttered.

“Wal is probably so big that poor horse should be riding him,” Ted said causing me to cringe again because my brain was picturing a different kind of riding.

“Nah, Bob’s a big boy,” Finn said shaking his head, “He could take it. Being ridden by Wal if Wallace ever felt like riding but he’d rather sit on the couch eating chips and watching TV and sometimes that nasty ass…anyway.”

“He watches a lot of porn when your dad isn’t around?” Teddy questioned.

“Yeah. On the computer usually but it’s still kind of…no,” Finn said shaking his head as Todd finally sat down.

“And look who decided to grace us with his presences, get tired of Julian?” Teddy asked.

“A little bit yeah,” Todd said, “Ok so Will you want to…?”

“Want to what?” Teddy asked, “Are you asking him on a date? I thought that was eventually Quinn’s plan.”

Quinn who had been sitting there silently threw a grape tomato at Ted even though his face was red, “Shut up!” he said.

“You do know it’s ok to think someone is cute?” Finn asked, “I think he’s cute. Do you think he’s cute Teddy?”

Todd cleared his throat, “I think Will gets tired of hearing he’s cute. He probably hears it all the time. No, we were talking about Trackers in class.”

“Trackers? Eww?” Teddy said, “What about them?”

“He asked what their deal was. Why they’re…” Todd trailed off.

“Assholes?” Teddy questioned, “I thought the answer to that was obvious because that’s all their recognized as being in every possible way.”

I frowned shaking my head causing everyone to laugh, “No but seriously, why were you asking Will?” Finn asked me.

“Like what happens? How do they end up that way?” I asked him.

“They decide they want to be that way. Sometimes they are brainwashed into it. Usually most people don’t become trackers until around 15 or 16. A lot of them are legacies like Teddy. Their family has been brotherhood for generations. Huh, they decide they would rather hurt others then be hurt so they just decide they want to…be that way. Some of them actually enjoy it,” Finn answered.

I sighed thinking about it. About what it probably took to become to a tracker what type of personality you would have to have to want to hurt people like that. Want to rape them and hold them down and do horrible things to them. It just seemed horrible.  
“I honestly think they just like pain,” Teddy said, “I mean Louis apparently has always been mean even though I don’t remember it that way but he did grow up with Mom and Papa so…and neither one of them are decent. I think you just have to be selfish enough to not care how anyone else feels in order to be a tracker. That’s all. Most of them don’t even say they are tracker or thinking about going recruit track until they get to be that age though. Usually they tend to be bullies though.”

“Like steal your lunch money bullies?” I asked him.

“Picking fights. Just being all around mean,” Quinn muttered, “I don’t deal with a lot of them. However, I’m an asshole.”

“You are not an asshole Quinn,” Finn said shaking his head.

“I am when I want you to leave me alone,” Quinn said.

“You just seem to be quiet not an asshole,” I replied causing Quinn to look at me.

His face seemed to flush lightly around his cheeks as he smiled at me, “Well I’m usually quiet because even when I try to be nice it doesn’t always come off that way. I find honesty even though people hate it works better than trying to be nice. So…some people think that’s rude.”

“I have a lot I don’t say because of that. You seem honest to me but not always mean. Like we all call Teddy a spaz,” I said.

“That’s because it’s true,” Ted said shrugging his shoulders, “I don’t take offense to it. I have no filter like you all say. I’ve learned to embrace it.”

“Like a hug you don’t want?” Finn asked.

“Argh!” Todd shook his head, “I hate that. Like that Aunt or…”

“Dirty Uncle?” Finn asked, “My dirty Uncle isn’t really into hugging he’s more into…”

“What Frenching? Doesn’t he speak French?” Ted asked.

“See that right there!” Quinn said pointing at Ted, “I don’t do that. That’s wrong. That’s so wrong. There are just things you shouldn’t say. I know how to not say them so I don’t talk a lot.” 

“So, you’re saying you’re as much of a perv as Teddy but you know better?” Todd asked him.

“Yeah,” Quinn said nodding his head, “Pretty much.”

“So, what are you thinking about when you look at him?” Finn asked pointing at me.

Oh god. I was pretty sure I didn’t want to know. I felt my face heating up. This was embarrassing.

“You already know that so why are you asking Finn?” Quinn said sounding like he was scandalized.

“Just to see if you would say it,” Finn said.

“You do realize I already over heard that conversation, right?” I asked them, “That he thinks I’m nice to look at.”

Quinn’s face turned beet red before he cleared his throat, “Can we not talk about that please? It’s bad enough you know and you don’t …”

“And he doesn’t what? Feel the same way?” Finn asked him, “Relax it doesn’t have to mean anything. I think people are cute all the time and it doesn’t mean I want to climb into bed with them. You’ve told me yourself you’re too confused to really be sure you would actually want to so what’s the big deal?”

Quinn sighed heavily standing up, “I think I’m done having you guys make fun of me.”

“Quinn it’s fine,” I said, “Everyone thinks I’m something to…”

“He’s off limits anyway,” Teddy said, “I mean it’s a pain in the ass for a lot of us I’m sure but it’s true.”

My stomach dropped. I didn’t want to hear about that. Talk about that. I didn’t say anything leaving my food on the table and getting up and walking away. I knew he didn’t mean anything by it but, I hated it. I hated being his. I hated that I couldn’t just joke with my friends without it coming up. Me going into the bathroom and staring at the skink before I stared my reflection wanting to punch it. It just reminding me of what they all saw. What they all found so fascinating about me.

Just then the door slammed open, “I’m sorry Will. I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t mean anything by it. You know I didn’t mean anything by it!” Teddy said Frantically.

“It’s fine,” I answered, “I’m just tired. I’m tired of being reminded I don’t have a choice. That I…”

“You do kind of. I mean not really but kind of. You can find someone else attractive you just…”

“Can’t do anything about it? If someone asks me out I say no because I have an old man that wants to fuck me. Wants me to …”

“You don’t have to talk about that,” Teddy said shaking his head.

I shrugged my shoulders, “Did he make you do that?”

Teddy sighed heavily pinching the bridge of his nose, “Yeah.” He answered simply.

“Did you hate it as much as I hate it?” I asked him.

“He’s not my Dad either so what do you think? Even though sometimes depending on his mood Papa was ok. It still makes me feel beyond nasty though knowing that…I hated that. I still hate that.”

“Does anyone know?” I asked him.

“Cole, Kris, Louie. Probably anyone who has ever been with him,” Ted said, “It’s not something we talk about. Even right now we’re not saying what it is really. I’ve talked about it with Cole before.”

“Cole tried to get me to talk about it. Almost said it,” I said.

Ted sighed, “Look. It’s hard ok? You don’t want it to get out even though you know we know. I understand that. You know how badly I would get teased if anyone knew that? Not to mention a bunch of other stuff. I’ve heard what Julian said and I told him to fuck off. He’s spreading rumors that he brought you game boy and some other stuff.”

“Other stuff?” I asked him.

“That he pays you. Of course, he doesn’t. Papa isn’t like that. He thinks it’s his right,” Ted said quietly, “That because he’s…who is he is he can do whatever he wants.”

“It’s true,” I said shaking my head, “We know it’s true.”

Ted shook his head, “I don’t know. I hate him. I hate that he thinks it’s ok to…you’re my friend. You’re a good person Will you don’t deserve it.”

“Deserve it? How would you know Teddy? Maybe like you said this is just my hell,” I answered.

“Will. You’ve never hurt anybody so what would you have done to deserve this?” Teddy asked me, “Can you think of anything because I can’t.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said shaking my head, “If I do no one else has to.”

“That’s not true and you know it. Someone else is getting toys shoved into them. Always. Always it never stops with him. When there aren’t guest in his quarters I’m not…I’m not allowed to wear clothes. I’m allowed to wear a robe and that’s it. Luke too. He’s going to start training you soon. Because you’re older.”

What? What did he mean by training? Hadn’t he already started doing that to me? Hadn’t he already been working on that? Making me…

“It’s hum…with toys. To get your body used to certain things. He’ll make you keep saying it, that …over and over until he doesn’t have to prompt you anymore. He’ll use the cage if he has to prompt you too many times. Keep you in there for a while with…with a toy in. He likes 69.” At this point Ted’s voice went monotone like he wasn’t feeling anything, “It’ll hurt a little. Toys always do.”

“Uncle Ben likes toys,” I said, “he used one…”

I stopped not wanting to think about it. Not sure if I would get in trouble if it got back to Lionel. Not that I didn’t trust Teddy not to tell him just that… the idea of him finding out terrifying me into silence.

“What? When?” Ted said shaking his head, “You can’t tell anyone that. Ok? You shouldn’t have even said that to me. He’ll be so pissed if he finds out. I won’t tell him but you shouldn’t say that. Not ever. He’s only supposed to be teaching you, not playing with you like that.”

Ted’s eyes were wide fearful as they darted around the bathroom. So, it was as bad as I had thought it was. As Uncle Ben had said it was. So, Lionel would be mad at me if he found out. If he knew.

“It is normal for them to…do that?” I asked him.

“Yeah but not with someone else’s contract. That’s contract stuff. When you belong to someone else they’re not supposed to do certain things. When was this?”

“Yesterday,” I answered feeling myself starting to shake.

“I won’t tell. You need to remind him of how bad that is. Tell him he can’t,” Ted said.

“I begged him not to. I screamed at him not to. He doesn’t care. They don’t care. None of them care. It hurts. It hurt so bad. I know what 69 is. My Da…” I trailed off.

“Anyone else?” Ted asked me and I shook my head.

“Ok. That’s ok then. If he gets super mad he’ll start doing bad things. Making you make videos and stuff. I hate making videos. It’s nasty. A lot of group stuff.” Ted said quietly.

Group stuff. Group stuff like Da and Uncle Ben group stuff? Like Lionel and Hou group stuff? I shook my head, “How do I keep him from getting mad?”

“You do what he tells you. When he touches you try not to flinch away. If you can keep yourself from crying it helps. He likes watching you do things. To yourself I mean. Using toys and stuff on yourself if you don’t make a stink about it he’ll be easier on you. Wrap your legs around his waist. He likes that. Huh, Rub his head. Kiss him. Just stuff like that. He likes it if you act like…”

Like I wanted it. Like him and Hou had…I wasn’t ok with that. I didn’t want it. That’s why I hated the sounds and the… everything because I didn’t want it. I knew he did, of course he did otherwise he wouldn’t do it. 

“Why are telling me this?” I asked him.

“Because you should know,” Ted told me, “He’ll lock you in the cage and make you watch if you don’t do what he wants you do. Watch him do it with someone else. When I’m with him I play his game even though I hate it. But if I don’t it’s worse. It’s so much worse. So, when we…just remember it’s not me ok? I’m just playing a role like in a movie. Ok?”

Cole and he had warned me about that. That it would happen. That slowly it would be Teddy and me and then me and whoever he wanted next. I didn’t think I wanted to have sex with Teddy. Not that I would have a choice. Not that I would ever have a choice about anyone I had sex with. Not if we didn’t get out.

“Is he going to do it Friday?” I asked Teddy.

“What?” he asked me frowning before a look of understanding crossed his face, “I think so. He was talking to mom about it, how he wanted me there. He’ll probably just make you watch as he…you know with me. It’ll be like that a couple times probably until it’s him touching us at the same time and then he’ll…”

I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I couldn’t imagine having sex with Teddy. I had a hard time with group stuff. None of it had been as bad as my marking as many people but it still. I still hated it. Hated feeling outnumbered. I already knew I couldn’t do anything about it when it was one of them let alone two of them or more.

I thought about how scared John had looked when Da had made us kiss. How freaked out he seemed until I told him I had already kissed someone before, lied to him. It seemed wrong. Kissing Teddy like that seemed wrong. Let alone…

“Look just try to put it in the back of your head that that’s not me ok? I’m just playing a part. If I don’t he’ll go straight for you. Just because he knows I don’t want him to. The more you cry the harder he’ll go the longer he’ll make it last. So just keep that in mind ok?” Ted told me.

I nodded my head numbly. I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want any of that I would rather, “I cut myself.” I blurted out.

“You shouldn’t do that. He has a way of dealing with that. He’s the only one that’s allowed to give you scars not anyone else. If he could get permission to keep you for a couple of weeks he’ll put you in a special pair of mittens and do everything for you. Like you’re a toddler, dress you, feed you, wipe you everything. Everything bathroom trip end up with you biting into your tongue to keep from screaming because he…” Teddy shivered, “I learned that one the hard way so just don’t from now on ok?”

I nodded my head again. And I felt like I didn’t have control at home. Lionel sounded like he was beyond a control freak. However, I had gotten that feeling from him. Just little things. The way he looked at me. The way his voice got cold and stern when I didn’t do something the first time he asked me to. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like if my mum actually let me spend more than one night with him under the impression that I was spending it with Teddy. Which it seemed like soon would at least be partially true.

I felt sick to my stomach and just wanted to go home. I just didn’t want to think about it anymore. I wanted to curl up in a ball and go somewhere else. Anywhere else. Somewhere far away where he couldn’t hurt me. Where none of them could hurt me.  
“I’m sorry if I made it worse I just wanted to warn you. Ok?” Ted said quietly to which I nodded my head again, “Will? You’re not speaking. You’re doing that thing. Can you talk to me?”

I didn’t know what to say. My brain trying to picture what it would look like, feel like even though I didn’t want to. What it would be like to watch him, Lionel with Teddy. Would it be like watching Da with John? A train wreck I couldn’t look away from as John did everything he could not to cry, telling me he was sorry with his eyes. With every cell in his body he was allowed to.

I hadn’t ever done it with anyone like that. John’s ankles hooked around the back of Da’s knees as he rocked into him. John’s head getting too heavy for his neck him throwing it back as he made those sounds. Those sounds I had gotten used to hearing me make. No matter who I was with. Those sounds that were hard to keep myself from making when they did things a certain way.

“Will you’re scaring me,” Teddy said snapping me out of whatever headspace I had been in, “Can you talk to me?”

I shook my head, “I don’t want to…”

“I know,” Teddy said nodding his head in agreement, “We don’t have a choice.”

“I don’t think I can do it,” I said shaking my head.

“Then don’t think about it ok? Don’t worry about it until Friday,” Teddy said.

“Easy for you to say,” I said, “You’re not the one.”

“I’m stuck in this too. Whatever he does to you Friday he’s probably going to do to me first ok? So just…just follow my lead. Just try to remember it’s not really me though ok?” Teddy asked me.

“Ok,” I nodded my head, “Thanks for warning me. Maybe I’ll be ok because I know what to expect.”

“Hopefully,” Ted said, “The first time I didn’t take it well. Playing with someone my own age or close to it. Watching him do that. It was…scary.”

I nodded my head. It seemed beyond scary to me. I knew I had been scared for John not sure what Da would do if I had looked away and I felt Lionel was way more dangerous than my Da.

“I’m sorry Teddy,” I said quietly.

“I’m the one whose sorry. I’m related to him I…,” I cut Teddy off.

“That doesn’t mean you have to take any responsibility for him. That doesn’t mean you’re anything like him,” I tried to assure him.

“Maybe not but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel guilty for what he’s going to do to you,” Ted said as we heard the bell ring causing Teddy to sigh, “Just try not to worry about it until Friday ok?”

“Ok,” I said, “I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head as he opened the bathroom door, “Later.” He muttered before heading down the hallway to his class.

I went back to my own class. Father Barney was considered my core class leader. Some people had more than one I just happened to have only the one my four classes being English, Math, Science and Social studies. He was my teacher for all four. Me sitting down and sighing as I saw another note on my desk the note laying out neatly in on top of it. The words there like a taunt someone was shouting harem boy. I felt my face turning red as I looked around the room me turning around as I heard someone enter the classroom it being the same boy who had thrown the note at me hitting me in the middle of my back two weeks before.

I remember his name was Danny. Him sniggering at me as I stared at him my stomach feeling tight. I hated him. I just wanted him and all of his friends to leave me alone.

“You think that’s funny?” I asked him barely above a whisper.

“I don’t know,” he said shrugging his shoulders, “is it?”

“If that’s what I am that’s what you are,” I said trying to sound brave squaring my shoulders.

“Why is that? Because my Dad is like yours? My dad might like spending time with me but he doesn’t pass me out to everyone who asks to see my ass,” Danny nearly hissed at me.

“Either does mine,” I said feeling uncertain about it as I said the words.

He laughed slightly, “For some reason I find that hard to believe. You probably have a tight little ass. I bet they tell you that all the time. Especially the leader.” He said coming closer to me causing me to back away, “Oh baby you’re so…”

He got into my face getting ready to whisper the last part, me impulsively pushing him away. Pushing him out of my face. He just allowed himself to fall back a step or two shaking his head and laughing at me.

“At least I’m not a little fucking slut. Lionel’s boy. You know what he does to his boys? He lets everyone have a piece of them. All because they’ve sold their souls. You still have a soul harem boy? How much did he buy you for?” Danny asked me.

“You’re not funny,” I said feeling anything but brave feeling like I was a lone surfer in the water being stalked by a shark that thought I was food.

“Really because everyone tells me I’m hilarious,” Danny said shaking his head, “The moment he’s done with you you’re nothing but a piece of fucking meat just like everyone else. Just wait and see.” He spat before he walked away sitting down in his own seat.  
That was something I hadn’t thought about. Something that hadn’t even crossed my mind. What would happen to me after Lionel was done with me. Something that I hadn’t asked Cole or Ted. Something that…I sighed as Shane sat down next to me grabbing the note that was still sitting on my desk before I could. Before I could take it and crumple it up, hide it.

“Pfft,” he made a sound of annoyance before crumlping it into a ball and throwing it at me, “Get rid of it before we all get in trouble.”

So, he didn’t even care. He knew what it said and he didn’t even care. Todd had warned me he was a tracker. That he wasn’t nice. It made me wonder what type of tracker he was. If he was like Danny and he just hated me because or if he was like Wallace and he’d rather…me visibly shivering as I thought about it. What I knew Wallace wanted to do me, glad that I didn’t have to be around him.

“Chill it,” Shane hissed barely loud enough for me to hear, “We’re in class.”

“I didn’t…,” I trailed off.

“Just shut the fuck up Harem boy. Just because you’re his doesn’t mean you’re special. I didn’t say you could talk to me so shut the fuck up,” he snapped.

I had been trying to tell him I didn’t have a problem. That I was fine. So, he was like Danny. He just hated me because he thought I believed I was better than they were. Because I was Lionel’s boy. I wished they had a better idea of what it was like. That he wasn’t…there wasn’t anything good or special about being his. That he tortured you. That he did horrible things just like the rest of them. He wasn’t any better, he was so much worse and I felt like even if I told them that they wouldn’t believe me. That they wouldn’t care.

I pulled myself into my head just doing my school work, getting through the rest of the day. Me getting home feeling almost more exhausted than I had the week before feeling like everyone was against me just about. Wishing Teddy hadn’t told me anything about Friday. Me realizing the more I learned about Lionel and what he was like the more he scared me. The more nervous I felt not only for myself but James. 

I sat down and opened my Math book me hearing someone moving behind me causing me to jump.

“Love? What’s wrong?” Mum asked from behind me.

“Nothing I’m…it’s nothing mummy,” I mumbled, “You want me to go down and get them?”

“No,” Mum shook her head as she sat in the chair beside me, “There’s still about 10 minutes John and Pat can go.”

“Pat’s here?” I asked.

I hadn’t seen John nor Pat. I figured John was there probably in his room sleeping or doing homework considering he hid in there a lot. He spent most of his time there. But, I didn’t think Pat would be there even though he was becoming a common fixture in our house. It seemed like he was almost always there. Even if Cole wasn’t Pat was usually there somewhere. Usually in John’s room with him.

“Aye,” she answered my question, “What’s going on love?”

“Nothing,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

“Don’t nothing me young man. Talk to me please Will?” Mum said her eyes going soft as she looked at me.

“People are making fun of me mum. They’re being mean,” I answered, “It’s not a big deal.”

“You jumped like you thought I was someone else. Like John does sometimes. That’s not nothing. What’s going on?”

“You know some teachers are…like Da right?” I asked her and she nodded her head.

“My teachers like him,” I muttered quietly, “He scared me earlier. He…the guy I sit next to. Father Barney scared him so bad he broke his pencil mum. I didn’t know. It was stupid it was my fault. I kept talking. I didn’t mean to do that. It was stupid.”

I felt guilty about it. I did making Todd feel that way because I hated feeling that way. Being so scared of what they were going to do to me. Knowing there was nothing I could do to stop them if they wanted to hurt me. And I had made Todd feel that way in class. Feel that way in front of everyone. Making me aware of how embarrassed Todd must have been. Not being able to breathe and knowing people could see. That people could see how scared he was and that Father Barney was…looking at him like that. That everyone knew. Everyone that had been bothering to look that knew what it meant.

“Oh love,” Mum said pulling me into her arms, “It’s wasn’t your fault. Even if you were talking a little it wasn’t your fault. The only one at fault is them. Do you have your friends number? Do you want to call him and see if he’s ok? Because I’m sure he doesn’t blame you love. If he’s a smart boy he doesn’t blame you. I don’t picture you getting along with someone who isn’t smart.”

“No, it’s my fault. All of it’s my fault,” I said hugging myself pushing her away lightly.

“What’s all of it?” she asked me and I could feel her frowning at me.

I shrugged my shoulders not sure how to communicate what I meant. That just being there was my fault. That what Da did was my fault and Uncle Ben. That Lionel even being around was my fault because if I wasn’t…if I wasn’t me he would have never come around. He would have never hurt James. Uncle Ben wouldn’t be hurting Mike or Matt. Mum sighed heavily before standing up and going over to the com, “Boys, John can you go to the bus and meet everyone?” Mum asked to which I heard the door open down the hallway.

“We’ve got it!” Pat shouted rather loudly as I heard a light laugh John coming out of the room behind him and hugging him them nearly bumping into the wall on their way towards us, coming towards the lift.

Mum sat back down, “What is all of it love?” she asked me quietly.

“Just all of it,” I said shaking my head, “I’m sorry mum.”

“Will listen to me very closely,” she said her tone hard like she was hurt, “None of this is your fault. Not a single bit of what’s going on is your fault. It’s not yours and it’s not John’s. If anyone is at fault it’s me and your Da ok? I know you feel like an adult and that’s my fault too but you’re not. You’re a child. There is nothing you can do that would make your Da do or not do something you understand? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

I nodded my head. I understood what she was saying but I felt like it was a lie. That she didn’t understand what it was. That she didn’t get what I made them do by just existing. By just being me.

Pat hugged John from behind tightly and whispered something in his ear causing John to smile and mum to clear her throat.

“Sorry,” Pat said loosening his grip on John’s waist and frowning at me, “Are you ok Will?”

“Yeah, I’m all right,” I lied.

“You’re sure?” John echoed Pat’s worry.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head giving them a small smile, “I just have homework are you going to go get them?”

“Yeah,” John said putting on his shoes and hitting the lift button.

“No kissing,” Mum said which caused Pat to smile.

“I’ll be the perfect gentlemen. And their kids I don’t think they’d get it,” Pat said as John frowned at him slightly.

God, he had it so bad. I could see it in his eyes. I thought about what was going to happen to him once we left. What John was going to be like without Pat. He was going to hate it. It was better for us and I think even John knew that but, he didn’t want to be without him. Pat seeming to be a big piece of his sanity. Of his peace that he rarely found. Them both climbing into the lift.

“Mum what are you going to do about that?” I asked her.

“What?” she asked me.

“John and Patrick when we leave?” I asked her.

“He’s just his first love it’ll hurt but he’ll get over it. He’ll find someone else,” Mum said going over to the fridge and pulling something out of it.

“How do you know?” I asked her.

“I was young once,” she said turning around and smiling, “I might be your mum but I was indeed once a young lady. I suppose first love feels very much the same for boys. They’re all you think about, someone you want to share everything with. He’ll find another person to do that with. Hopefully a young lady. It’ll be hard at first for him but, I believe he’ll be ok. Patrick and I talk and Pat agrees with me that it’s better this way. Us leaving it’s better for him, for all of us.”

“You talk to Pat?” I asked her. She gave a small smile and nodded her head.

“I know there are things you boys don’t tell me that you’ll talk to him because he’s your friend. He doesn’t betray or confidence but if he thinks there’s something you need to talk to me about he’ll tell me to check up on you. He knows I get busy with the wee ones and sometimes I miss things. However, you boys are still very important to me so sometimes a little nudge that I should be looking a little more closely is needed,” she explained, “I talk to Cole too sometimes. They are big help.”

“Is that why you asked me if I was ok?” I asked her.

She sighed turning to the range and hitting a bunch of buttons causing it to beep probably preheating the over for something before she sat down, “It could be.”

“What did he say?” I asked her.

“That he’s worried about you. That you’re struggling. He didn’t say any more than that though. He did say he thinks I should try to find some time to spend with you though,” she admitted.

I knew Pat was aware that I was close mum, that I was worried about her. That I was worried about everything that was happening and that Lionel would hurt her. Kill her if he ever found out I had told her anything. That the stress of it was weighing on me. The stress of keeping her safe because it wasn’t just me that needed her but, everyone. But that keeping Lionel a secret from them was weighing on me to.

“I’m just really tired mummy,” I said quietly.

“I know love,” she said rubbing my shoulders before she hugged me from behind kissing the top of my head, “We’re all tired. It’ll be over soon. I promise.”

I nodded my head picking up my pencil and going back to my work. It wasn’t that hard my brain just felt too stressed. It was hard to focus. The sound of the lift kicking on and opening and the chatter that followed helping me relax. Knowing that they were all back and safe where I could see them making me feel slightly better. I felt someone pull on my pant leg under the table causing me to look under.

It was Andy smiling at me before he barked trying to climb into my lap making me laugh, “Are you puppy?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he said still trying to climb into my lap.

“Are you going to help me with my school work?” I asked him scooting back so I could pull him into my lap and he could sit with me.

He frowned at my paper and pointed at a number, “six?”

“Yes!” I said excitedly, “Good job Andy. When did you learn that?”

“We’ve been working on their numbers. Lar can count to 10 she seems to be confused about order though but, that’s normal. She gets 6 and 7 confused for you it was 3 and 5.”

“Really?” I asked smiling at the thought.

“Yes, you used to say 1,2,5,4,3,6,7,8,9,10,” she said smiling too, “I can’t imagine why because we taught you 1,2,3 first but…it happens.”

“I didn’t know that,” I said.

“Aye you did. You’re all a little different. I think of the wee ones I see a lot more of you in Laura and Mac then I do John. However, Andy has a similar personality to John. Always getting into trouble.”

“I was trouble?” John asked frowning at her.

“You were always into things. Always climbing into boxes and stuff. Andy would rather play with a box or climb into the toy chest and play inside it then with the stuff in it. He’ll empty it all over the floor and climb into it with a toy or two and then shut the lid on himself. Laura usually gets mad and screams at him when it does it.”

“You get mad at him Lar really?” John asked Laura who wandered over.

She nodded her head and said something to John in babble as a reply.

“What?” John asked her.

“She said but it’s hers too,” Mum answered for her.

“Well yeah for course it’s your toy box too but, that doesn’t mean you have to be mad about it,” John said as Pat laughed sitting down at the table next to him as everyone else started pulling out their books.

“She just wants to know what he’s doing,” Mike said.

“How do you know?” I asked Mike.

He shrugged his shoulders, “I just know. I remember that.”

“What?” I asked him.

“Matt always going into the closet and me screaming because he’d shut me out. I just wanted to know what he was doing,” Mike answered me.

I looked at mum questioningly a look of awe one her face as she looked at him. It told me that had really happened. That they really used to do that. I didn’t remember them doing that but then again when they were two I had only been four. I did have memories of being that young but they were few and far in-between so it shouldn’t have surprised me that he might remember something like that but it did.

“I was usually just playing by myself,” Matt answered, “You liked your truck and I wanted it too so I’d take it and play with it in the closet.”

Mike laughed at that, “I don’t remember that part.”

“Well you always wanted yours and I wanted them both sometimes. You’d get mad if I took it away. I didn’t realize you wanted to be in there with me I just thought you wanted your truck back,” Matt answered opening his book.

“Do you think they’ll remember this?” I asked mum, meaning our lives there with Da. If we got away if they would remember him or Uncle Ben. If they would remember this house even.

“I don’t know love,” she said smiling sadly at me, “Maybe. Maybe not. Usually people don’t start to remember things until they are three or four.”

“I remember somethings too,” I confessed.

“Do you really?” she asked me.

“Yeah John,” I said smiling at it, “The hide away game.”

John looked at me, “Yeah.” He said simply nodding his head.

“The hide away game?” Mum questioned.

“I used to hide him,” John said, “I told him he had to be super quiet because we…we were hiding from him.”

“Oh,” Mum said her face falling slightly as she sighed.

I hadn’t meant to make her sad. To remind her of that. That Da had been bad for a very long time. Mean for a very long time. Since we were little.

“Were you ever scared?” John asked me suddenly.

I shook my head, “I don’t remember ever being scared. Just…curious I think. Wondering why it was so important to be quiet. Maybe scared when you left but…more curious.” I said reflexing back on it as best I could.

“That,” Mum said, “Sounds like you. You were always very curious about everything. I think John was too just less …cautious about it. If he found a door closed and he wanted to know what was behind it he’d open it and if he couldn’t he’d throw a fuss about it. Where you, you’d just stare at it quietly like you could tell what was on the other side if you just looked at it long enough.”

John laughed, “Yeah I don’t remember that. Not really.”

“Well you wouldn’t you started doing that when you were wee. We’re talking you were 10 months old. The moment you could really walk on your own,” Mum told him.

“Maybe Will was trying to use the force,” Pat joked.

“Yeah that’s totally Will,” John agreed nodding his head and smiling, “He always figured if he stared at it long enough it would just come to him or he would just know what it was. I remember I was maybe six and there was this cat. I think it was the neighbor’s cat sitting on the garden fence and he just stared at it for the longest time with his arms out until it just walked up to him. Almost like he was asking it to come see him and it finally did.”

“I don’t remember that,” I said before I stopped to think about it, closing my eyes to try and focus on the thought, “black and white cat? Kind of fat?” I asked my eyes still closed.

“YES!” John said, “That’s wicked.”

Catty giggled, “Wicked. Why is it wicked?”

“Oh, just like it’s cool that he remembered that,” John said.

“No one here says wicked,” Catty mentioned, “None of my friends do.”

“It’s from home,” John said.

“Cat does it ever weird you out that they talk different from us? From me and you?” Pat asked her.

John and I had very strong accents where Mike, Matt and James it was more an inflection that you heard in certain words like “bottle” and “sweeties”. With Cat it was barely there at all and Andy and Laura didn’t seem to have it either. It was probably because of school. Because we had gone to school with mostly English citizens in an English boarding school from the time we were eight and six. From the time we had gone home. It feeling like a good deal of our lives had been there even though John had been born in New York and I had been born in Florida. It was odd really that the four that happened to be actually be American by birth had British accents while those who were born overseas sounded American.

“No that’s just the way they talk. I’ve noticed,” Cat said biting the end of her pencil as she looked at her paper thoughtfully before writing something down, “They talk different it’s ok though.”

“What do you mean by different?” I asked her.

“Well you say nappies and lift and what not. My teacher told me it’s diapers and elevator. That while sofa isn’t wrong it’s a couch too. Just that type of stuff but I told them mummy says those words too,” she told us.

“And what did I explain to the teachers love?” Mum asked Cat her back to us as she stood at the stove.

“That mummy is from Ireland and over there they use different words but it all means the same thing. That there isn’t a wrong way to say it,” Cat said.

“That’s right my smart girl,” Mum said.

“Does that ever throw their teachers for a loop Danielle? When they hear you over the phone?” Pat asked mum.

“I suppose it would a wee bit. I mean it’s not like they ring me that often to be honest usually they talk to Connor because he’s always near the phone,” she answered.

“No one really ever mentions my accent. Cole has,” I said truthfully.

“Cole likes accents, ouch,” Pat said frowning at John.

I felt myself blushing a little bit thinking about that, about him. Cole. He seemed to like me just not in that way. I would miss him. Miss talking to Cole telling him things. I knew our time was running short. I understood that and it felt like a relief and a danger all at once.

“What are you making mum?” James asked me turning to look at him.

He had been mostly quiet and it made me wonder if he was ok. He had gotten quieter since Christmas especially when we were in a group but it still worried me. Worried me that one incident had changed him so much that he seemed much less likely to ask questions and seek out answers from outside sources. I was honestly surprised he didn’t just get up and go and see what she was making however it was an improvement.

“Mash to go with the meatloaf I just put in the oven,” Mum answered him.

“Oh, I like mash,” James said nodding his head.

“I know you do love,” Mum said turning off the burner, “Pat you’re staying for supper aye?”

“Yes,” Pat said nodding his head, “Come on guys let’s wash our hands.”

Pat got up clapping his hands as everyone started putting their books away. He did that sometimes. Just like John and I did. Told them what to do. I figured it was an older brother thing. It made sense. Pat had after all been an older brother at one point and considering Cole was slightly younger than he was he could still be considered one.

“Was hand…,” Andy mumbled to himself.

“Yes, Andy let’s go wash our hands,” Pat said smiling holding his hand out Laura walking up to him first and taking it biting her lip and smiling up at him, “Are you going to be my buddy Laura?”

“Yes, I’s wash hands,” she said a lot clearer than Andy could manage.

“Good let’s go do that,” Pat said starting to walk, “Are you coming Andy?”

Andy nodded his head grabbing the hand Pat offered him and walking down the hall with him and Laura. I watched them as John grabbed Mac and Cat and James followed him Matt and Mike going up to the sink in the kitchen me following behind them. It made sense to wash our hands right there. I mean the sink was there and we were there. It made me wonder why Pat had taken Laura and Andy down the hall. Probably because there were all together 12 of us plus mum and one sink in the kitchen if you included Patrick mum coming into the kitchen as the timer on the oven went off balancing Mary on one hip and Seamus on the other strapping them in to their highchairs and handing them each a bottle.

It was late February. My birthday was two weeks away. I stopped and thought about it remembering something as Pat came back into the room with Andy and Laura helping them into their highchairs.

“Is tomorrow Cole’s birthday?” I asked Pat.

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head, “How did you know that?”

“He told me. Before…the weekend,” I said.

“Ah,” he said nodding his head, “I wouldn’t worry too much about doing anything for it. He doesn’t really like celebrating it. And Dad and Art tend to never do anything he wants so…don’t make a big deal ok?”

“Nonsense,” Mum said, “I’ll give you some money so you can buy him a cake or a nice meal or something ok Patrick? Tell him I said happy birthday.”

I frowned at that. Why wouldn’t she do that herself? Why would she have Pat do it instead? I remember thinking it was weird that she wouldn’t just do it on her own. Or make him a cake instead. She was good at baking. That and he came over at least three times a week. But I sighed sitting down deciding that even though it was weird a lot of things were weird or that I was over thinking it. Worrying about it too much. That I would see him tomorrow morning and tell him happy birthday myself.

I can’t remember what we talked about at Dinner but there was a lot of laughing and a bunch of fart jokes going around Mike ever putting his hand under his arm pit and making fart noises with it until mum sighed heavily telling him it was enough even though he had Cat and James breaking out into uncontrollable giggles.

I don’t remember what movie we watched that night as our wind down but whatever it was it allowed me to read keeping everyone quiet enough that I could concentrate as mum starting slowly whisking people off to bed me getting up to go to the bathroom as some point and hearing muffled whispers and crying from John’s cracked bedroom door.

“Rabbit we know it’s for the best ok? Please don’t, please it’s hard enough without you…”

“How am I going to do this though? I need you,” I heard John answer in a sob.

“It won’t be forever ok? Just a little while. That’s all. Just for a little while and then we’ll be together again I promise. But for right now you know this is what’s best. For you, for everyone so please be strong. Please Rabbit. I love you so much and you know you’re going to be so much better. You need to go,” I heard Pat mutter in reply.

“But I love you. I love you so much,” I heard John say.

I opened the door. Both of them had their eyes closed their foreheads pressed together. They both looked like they were crying me clearing my throat softly to get their attention.

Pat smiled through his tears whipping his face with his shirt, “Hey.”

“What’s going on?” I asked them.

“Don’t worry about it,” John said, “It’s nothing.”

“It sounded like goodbye. But if we’re leaving then why didn’t Cole come? Didn’t he…”

I trailed off. Did he not want to say good bye? Did he not think I deserved a good bye. He said he liked me even if it wasn’t romantic, that I was a good friend and yet he didn’t want to say good bye to me? To any of us?

“That’s not fair,” I said shaking my head.

“Oh geese, Will. It’s not like that. Ok? Cole has had so many people he’s had to say goodbye to he couldn’t bring himself to do it ok? He would have started crying the moment he walked in here so he couldn’t. He couldn’t because the only people that are supposed to know you’re going tonight is me and John and your mum. She didn’t want to tell you until you were getting ready for bed and it’ll be easier if the kids don’t know that way they’ll be tired and easy to get into the car. He wanted to. He did he just…he couldn’t ok?” Pat tried to assure me.

I huffed shaking my head turning and going into my bedroom and throwing myself on my bed. I wasn’t worth saying goodbye to. He had lied. He didn’t care about me. I didn’t matter to him. The only person I mattered to was a nasty old man and my uncle who…they both wanted the same thing from me. Those were the only type of people I would ever matter to. People like that. It made me want to scream but Mum was probably in the process of reading Cat and James a bedtime story and it would only make things harder. Make them worse. That’s all I was good for was making things worse.

“Hey,” I heard Pat say quietly him sitting on the edge of my bed, “I know it’s hard to understand ok? But the reason why he couldn’t come was because of how much you mean to him ok? He does care about you, a lot. He couldn’t take saying goodbye to one more person that he truly feels something for and tomorrow is going to be hard enough ok? It’s his birthday and I don’t know if you’ve caught on yet but, birthdays tend to not be good days if you’re a brotherhood kid so…”

He trailed off letting silence fall between us. It still didn’t seem fair. It wasn’t fair John got to say good bye to Pat and I couldn’t say the same to Cole. Cole who had…let me hold his hand. Who had let me hug him even though I was just some stupid kid. Cole who had…who had known I had wanted to kiss him and then let me. Sure, I had felt like an idiot for even doing it but after he had told me I wasn’t. That I wasn’t stupid and there was nothing wrong with it, with me. Cole who had laid on my bed beside me in the dark giggling lightly before his lips met mine. Before he returned my kiss. Before he made me feel like maybe one day…one day it would ok and someone that wasn’t them would…see something in me. Something that was worth it. Something that was good.

I just wanted to say goodbye and Cole couldn’t face it. Couldn’t face me leaving. Couldn’t face never seeing me again even though he…I sat up looking at Pat.

“Pat does he…”

“You’re 10,” Pat said, “He feels guilty enough he didn’t want to admit it to me let alone you. He’s still trying to hide it from himself so don’t get any ideas and you’re leaving anyway.”

I felt myself mouth the word “oh” the actual sound getting lost somewhere between my brain and my lips. So, it wasn’t just people like them. Because Cole was nothing like them and I knew that. Maybe that’s why Kris had kept saying it though and Hunter. Not to remind me but, to remind Cole. Why Cole had kept saying it, to remind himself. And I had thought they were saying I was too young, that I was too stupid and too immature when really, they kept telling Cole I wasn’t ready that I was young and…far from innocent but maybe in their eyes I still was. That it didn’t matter what the brotherhood did I wasn’t ready for all of that.

“Yeah,” Pat said shrugging his shoulders, “Just don’t put too much thought into it. It never would have gone anywhere. At least the odds of it with all the other stuff going on are very…”

“I know,” I said nodding my head thinking about what Pat was saying without saying it, That I was Lionel’s, the leaders. That I couldn’t be with anyone else. Not with anyone I wanted to be with anyway. Not until I didn’t belong to him anymore.

“Can you do something for me?” I asked Pat.

“What?” Pat asked me.

“Tell him good bye. Give him a kiss, from me?” I asked him.

Pat snorted loudly and fell over laughing holding his stomach. It wasn’t supposed to be funny. Was it really that ridiculous of a request? 

As soon as Pat could contain his laughter he sat up the biggest grin on his face, “Honestly I’ll probably be kissing him a lot tomorrow but I’ll make sure he knows one is from you ok?” Pat started laughing again at the look of disgust and confusion on my face before I really thought about it.

Cole had said they usually celebrated his birthdays by shoving a camera in his face and…that when they did that he usually would rather it was with Kris or Pat instead of someone else so I guess it made sense but it still sounded gross. As gross as me kissing John was. I imagined that’s probably how Cole and Pat felt about it too.

“You both have a really grody sense of humor sometimes you know that?” I asked Pat feeling myself smile.

“Gotta laugh or you’re going to cry,” Pat said still chuckling, “Seriously though, I’ll let him know.”

“Thanks,” I said, “For everything.”

Pat took a breath his smile fading as he looked at me, “Don’t thank me. Just get past this ok? And tell them. When it’s safe you tell them ok? Don’t keep that to yourself. It will eat you alive if you do.”

I nodded my head looking at him before Pat hugged me, “I love you kid. Take care of yourself and them. You take care of him too. He’ll need you. You’ll need each other, all of you ok?”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head as he pulled away leaving my room and shutting the door behind him.

Mike and Matt were still watching the movie and I don’t know what mum was doing but I felt tired and somehow happy. Happy that Cole felt something for me. I mean it sucked that I was leaving but for some reason it made me happy that he returned my feelings even if I couldn’t do anything about it. It gave me hope.

Hope that maybe more people like him might like me, want me. That maybe it wouldn’t always be bad people that wanted to hurt me and make me do those things. But that maybe, one day when I was older and stronger and happier and better that I’d find a guy who wanted to do those things with me because I wanted to do those things with them. That maybe there was hope it wouldn’t always be bad people.

You would think I would have been sad that I was leaving but I was more elated that someone who wasn’t a pervert actually had romantic feelings for me. I think it was more the shock than anything. Cole actually liked me. Me. He liked me. I mean he probably liked a whole bunch of people but he liked me. He thought I was handsome, not cute, not sexy, not beautiful, handsome. If we hadn’t been leaving I probably would have jumped up and down with joy.

“Mike, Matt it’s time for bed loves,” I heard mum call down the hallway at them before she knocked on my bedroom door.

“Yeah mum?” I asked her.

“John said that you talked to him and Patrick and that…,” she trailed off.

“I know yeah. Should I start doing what you asked me to? How is this even going to work isn’t uncle Ben here?” I asked her.

“No love. He told me while you boys were in school he would be gone for a couple of days. I went downstairs and snooped in his room. He took his passport so I don’t know what he’s doing or where he’s going but he’s out of the country by now I’m sure. So now is probably the best time to leave,” she told me, “We’ll wait until later let everyone fall asleep. It’ll make it easier everyone will sleep for the first part of the drive.”

“Where are we going?” I asked her.

“I can’t tell you love. I don’t even really know but it’ll be better when we get there I promise. Just when I wake you up do what I asked, make sure everyone has their special toy or item and make sure those get into the car ok? John and I will make sure all of us and our other bags make it there. That’s the only thing you have to worry about is the one thing I told you to do,” she said quietly.

“Ok Mum, do you want me to stay up?” I asked her.

“No, I want you to get some rest if you can. John’s heading off to bed. Patrick just left,” she told me.

“Ok,” I sighed actually feeling relaxed for a second before I remembered I was supposed to see him Friday. Lionel. It was Monday night. What would he do if I didn’t show up Friday? If I didn’t go where ever with him and whoever else was supposed to be there. Would he start looking for me right away? Would he hunt us down?

“Something wrong love,” Mum asked me to which I shook my head.

I knew I couldn’t tell her. That I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone until we were safe but it made me worry about what would happen if we weren’t far enough gone by Friday. If he managed to find us like last time.

“Don’t be worried love,” She tried to assure me, “Everything will be all right just do that one thing.”

I nodded my head smiling at her as she ran her hand lovingly through my hair and kissed my forehead, “I love you.”

“I love you to mummy,” I said as she turned off my bedroom light and shut the door.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Danielle wakes Will up in the middle of the night and they leave the house. The ride long and boring until everyone wakes up, tired cranky and confused. Will admits to mum that Matty has been bullying him and John and other things come to light that people weren't aware of. An acquaintance from the past makes a reappearance to order to help them on their long road trip to freedom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 583 to 604. This is a good deal of the road trip. Not too many warnings for graphic stuff but a lot of talking **Warnings: Talk of rape/non-con, very young child sexual abuse, bullying, name calling, physical violence (someone gets slapped), Mental health issues, confrontation, anxiety**

I did try to sleep. I really did. I think I did fall asleep for a while my brain pulling me somewhere I didn’t recognize. It was dark and cold. It seemed a little wet too. Slick stones, slick dark stones or bricks surrounding me, walls. There was only one small light source coming from above me and I looked up. It seemed like a well or a hole. I didn’t see anyone or anything and decided the only thing to do was to try and climb out. 

I found a foot hold and tried to pull myself up but the walls were too slick and then I heard the laughing. His laugh like he laughed whenever I surprised him and then his voice chiding me, “make those delicious little sounds.” Making me freeze making me cover my hand with my mouth. I heard his voice echoing around me 100 times over me looking up and wondering how I was going to get away from the sound, away from him. A shadow passing over my head as I looked down at the ground blinking.

The next part still doesn’t make sense to me and thinking about seems completely ridiculous. I looked up to see a giant penis trying to shove itself into the well I was trapped in. At that point I was positive I was dreaming because no one has a dick that big. My whole body burning as it finally forced its way into the room I was in even though I was watching it but then the walls started melting the bricks disappearing as the walls started turning pink and fleshly me biting my tongue and going stiff as I felt like…making it hard to breathe, hard to think.

I remember grunting or something and then feeling a hand on my shoulder causing me to push at it push it away before I heard her voice, mum’s voice waking me up, “Will love it’s just a dream. You’re all right it’s just a dream. Wake up, it’s time love.”

I snapped awake sitting up so fast I almost head budded mum in the dark my breathing heavy. Me starting to calm down as I looked around, noticing I was in my room, that I was safe. The dream scared me and it was hard to make sense of. Feeling it and seeing it happen like that. Not seeing the person but knowing it was him. That he was…it was me. Feeling the way it hurt my body still protesting and feeling it had happened or was happening even though I was awake.

“Come on love, get the stuff. Go to James’ room first. The duffle is on the floor right here,” Mum said kissing me on the cheek quickly and getting up.

“Should I get dressed?” I asked her numbly.

“No love, don’t worry about that,” Mum said shaking her head, “Hurry up now just in case.”

She seemed scared. No one was around Uncle Ben and Da were both gone but she was whispering almost like she was afraid of the walls overhearing. Her hurrying away as I wiped the sleep from my eyes. I grabbed the bag and wandered in to James’ room. 

His bed was unmade like he had just been pulled from it. His one uniform dirty on the top of his hamper. I sat down on his bed the sheets with little ships and telescopes like the kind that would be used at sea. I picked up Hugh and put him in the duffle before I took it back to my room grabbing Bennington. Then I went to John’s room. From John’s room I grabbed a picture of him and Pat and a baby blanket from the top of his closet before I went into Cat’s room and grabbed her Barbie case making sure there were some Barbie’s in it and making sure Jennifer and her children and sisters were safely tucked inside with a handful of clothes and other little Barbie things before I moved onto the next room.

I grabbed Gruffy which was a weird purple and blue Giraffe that Mike had owned since he was three or four and its twin which was blue and red and then grabbed their baby blankets before I went and make sure that Mr. and Mrs. Bunnykins were tucked into the duffle as well grabbing their baby blankets too and zipping the duffle up. When I came out into the living room near the lift the only two people that were there were Mary and Seamus. Me looking around confused wondering where everyone else was as mum and John both came up back in the lift.

“Everyone else is in the car. You have it all?” Mum asked me to which I nodded my head, “Ok put on your shoes and we’re on our way.”

I grabbed my shoes and put them on my feet foregoing socks and as I turned around mum pulled the night light in the wall causing the whole floor to go completely dark as John hit the button for the lift to open.

“You need some coffee?” I asked John to which he made a sound of agreement.

John was a heavy sleeper usually. Always had been and being woken up in the middle of the night wasn’t something that went well of him usually and he was beyond tired probably having spent and good deal of the night crying himself to sleep but he took the duffle from me and mumbled something that I couldn’t understand as Mum grabbed a baby carrier in each hand.

Both Mary and Seamus were sound asleep both wearing sleepers instead of regular clothes. I don’t think we spoke on the way to the car me opening the door to find almost everyone asleep wondering how long they had waited to wake me up. If I had been the last one as John opened the boot of the van and put the duffle bag in there and mum started buckling everyone in. As soon as she was done I climbed in making sure I was properly in my seat and John got into his seat. Mum starting the car quietly and starting down the drive way with the car lights off.

“Mum its dark aren’t you supposed to be using the head lights?” I muttered.

“Don’t worry about it. We’re not going the whole way like this. Just down the drive,” she told me as Mike kicked me in his sleep opening his eyes.

“What…?” he started to ask.

“Don’t worry about it pal. Just go back to sleep it’s going to be a long drive ok?” John muttered to him.

“I thought that was a dream,” Mike said yawning.

“No,” John said turning back around so he was looking out the windshield, “Go back to sleep.”

“Ok,” he said turning so he was more resting on his side laying his head up against Matt’s back.

I noticed that Matt still seemed like he was dead asleep. He looked like the Matt I loved. The kind one, the nice one. The one I had hope we would get back. They looked cute together identical twins spooning each other Mike wrapping his arms around Matt’s waist as he started to fall back to sleep. If only they could always be so sweet and not insanely creepy when they were awake.

Mum turned on the radio super tramp playing

“When I was young it seemed that life was so wonderful  
A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical…”

That played as she hit the button on the remote in the car that opened the gate and then once she pulled far enough away from it she hit the button again to close it and rolled down the window. At first, I didn’t understand the point of that until I saw the tiny play square go flying out the window and landing in the grass near the mail box as she turned on the headlights pulling out onto the road of our neighborhood.

I don’t know what station she was listening to but it was all 80’s music I’m pretty sure it eventually lulling me back to sleep as well because the next time I woke up the sun was starting to rise and we were stopping Mary’s fussing causing everyone to stir.  
“I know,” Mum muttered as I opened my eyes, “I know.”

“She’s hungry,” Cat muttered wiping the sleep from her eyes.

“Aye,” Mum said loudly in agreement, “We’re going to stop for a minute. Everyone use the bathroom. I want you to go in groups. John can you take Andy, Cat and Matt while Will you take Laura, James and Mike. Make sure they all use the bathroom and change some pull-ups please.”

“Yes mum,” John and I muttered almost in unison as she pulled over at a rest stop off the highway.

“Mummy can I have some change?” Matt asked.

“Why love? We have snacks in the back I’ll make John get you some. We’re not using vending machines you don’t need that. I even have sweeties,” she told him.

“I want to call Da,” he said making all of us stop to look at him.

“Why?” Mum asked.

I could see her face in the rear-view mirror. She looked upset but her voice seemed very calm. More curious than scared about why he would want to call Da.

“Well Da said he’d be coming home soon and if we’re not home how is he supposed to know we aren’t there. Shouldn’t we tell him where we are?” Matt asked her.

“Are you mad?” John asked him bluntly turning around to look at him, “We’re leaving because of him. We don’t want him to know where we are. We don’t want him to even know we’re gone you git.”

“John!” Mum said warning him and shaking her head.

“What? It’s true,” John said looking at her, “You know it’s true. He’s the only reason we can’t stay.”

“That’s not true at all you’re the reason we can’t stay!” Matty hissed, “If you weren’t such a slag…you and him both. If it weren’t for that we’d be fine.”

“MATTHEW, JOHNATHAN!! ENOUGH! I WILL HAVE NO MORE OF THAT UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO TAKE YOU BOTH OVER MY KNEE!” Mum shouted causing even the babies to stop fussing, “That is enough. Will you take Matt and John you can take Mike because I don’t want to hear that my children are in the bathroom swearing at each other. John if you could use the ladies room just to keep you two separated I’m all right with that. If anyone has any questions point them at the van and I’ll take care of it.”

“Yes mum, I’m sorry,” John mumbled.

“It’s all right love, Matthew when you’re done in the rest room I want you to come back and you and I will have a discussion,” Mum said pointing at him as she looked at him.

“Yes mum,” Matt said undoing his seat belt.

“Am I still going with John mummy?” Cat asked.

“Yes, everyone stays in PJ’s. We’ll stop again in a wee bit. Use the bathroom,” she said as everyone started undoing their seat belts and I climbed into the back seat behind me undoing Andy and Laura and letting them out of the car. Matt taking Laura’s hand and holding it as I myself hopped out behind them mum going into the back and grabbing a diaper bag. I pulled out two pull ups and handed one to John.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to be this responsible at 6 in the morning after being in the car for five hours but at least everyone had been sleeping. However, this was not a good way to start the morning. How did Matt not understand why we had left? How could he be that stupid? And to even ask mum if he could call him? Was he serious?

I picked up Laura, James giving me a sad look which caused me to sigh, “Bud you’re a big boy and she’s little tiny so you need to use your legs ok?”

“I know I’m just tired,” he mumbled grabbing my free hand as Matt grabbed his left hand and we crossed the parking lot to the rest rooms where I heard Mike say something to the effect of him not being a lady and whining about having to use the girls room.

“Well mum said we have a while to go yet and that this is supposed to be a quick stop so I’m assuming you can sleep on the way to where ever we’re going,” I told James.

“Do you know where we’re going?” Matt asked me.

“No,” I answered honestly.

The only thing I knew at that point was that we were leaving Da. I had no idea where we were going or when we would get there only that the plan was to get away from Da and not come back. Because of what he was doing to John and me and whoever else he had been hurting. I didn’t see why it mattered to Matt either.

“I don’t know why we have to leave,” Matt said causing James to balk at him.

“He hurts us,” James said, “You know it hurts.”

“Only a little bit. It’s not a big deal,” Matt said shrugging his shoulders, “If you guys would just…”

“MATT!” I warned him, “It’s six in the bloody morning could we not have this conversation right now in a public rest room?”

I held open the bathroom door. It smelled like a sewer. It had high windows open but it smelled like someone had shit all over the bathroom and decided not to air it out or had maybe had an accident on the floor and didn’t use cleaning products. Now I was fully awake me taking Laura over to the changing station and making her lay down as I changed her and zipped her PJ’s back up as Matt came out of the bathroom stall.

“I didn’t even really have to go,” he muttered to me as I handed Laura to him.

“You would have in about 20 minutes so thank you for just doing it,” I told him.

“Yeah, you’re welcome,” Matt told me, “Are you going to go?”

“No, I handed Lar to you so you could stand there with her. What do you think? Honestly have you lost it today?” I muttered stumbling into the stall and locking the door.

“You don’t have to be mean,” he muttered.

“Then don’t be stupid. You know why we’re leaving. He’s going to look for us. Calling him is the most git thing I have ever heard you say Matt and that’s saying a lot. And calling John a slag in front of mum, really?” I said through the stall door.

Matt made a sound like he was trying not to laugh, “I called you one too.”

“I don’t care,” I said.

I had caught that. I was just too tired to honestly care. Sleeping in the car isn’t exactly comfortable. Worrying about whether someone was following us. Whether they knew we were gone or not. All of that. None of that exactly put me in a good mood. Which I suppose that anxiety was helping me ignore little things like being called a slag for example. Me coming out and turning on the facet to wash my hands, “Jay are you done?”

“Almost,” James said from the stall he was still in.

“Look mum obviously wants to talk to you so I’ll watch you walk back to the van from here ok?” I said taking Laura back from him.

“I’m not a baby and she doesn’t want to talk to me she wants to yell at me,” Matt pointed out.

“You’re the one calling people slags. Do you even know what that means?” I asked him.

He smiled and nodded his head causing me to shake mine in annoyance, “That’s what I thought,” I muttered, “Now go. Before I start calling you a slag.”

“You do I’ll tell mum,” he told me.

I snorted in annoyance. He had called me a whore, a slut, a slag told me it was my fault that Mike was being beaten and raped by our uncle, the whole nine yards. Getting in trouble with mum for me throwing a word back at him was the least of my worries at that moment.

“Go,” I said pointing out the door as he walked to it sighing heavily and I watched him carefully look both ways before he crossed the parking lot and went back over to mum who seemed to be I think she was feeding Mary it was hard to tell because of the distance between us and the van.

I sighed. I just hoped that whatever this was he got over it and fast before someone ended up in a fight because John was beyond stressed and scared and I wasn’t sure if mum had packed his booze so he was going to get really cranky and short tempered really fast and he had already kicked him once. I didn’t picture their banter just staying banter. Not the way John was.

I felt a hand pull on my sleeve causing me to look, “Did you wash your hands?” I asked James.

“Yeah, look,” he said pointing at my shirt sleeve which was indeed wet.

“You’re supposed to dry them too,” I told him.

“I just did just…on your shirt instead of with a paper towel,” he told me.

“Fair enough,” I said taking his head, “Let’s go.”

We started walking back the closer we got the more snippets of mum’s yelling we could hear, “Your brothers have been through hell. I have been through hell. Your Da does not love you Matthew I love you, your brothers love you. Your Da everything he tells you is a lie. Normal people don’t do that with their children. Only people that want to hurt you and make you into a leper who no one accepts would do that to their children.”

“What’s a leper?” James asked, “You mean like the lepers Jesus saved mummy?”

“I mean someone that people, normal people think is weird. The people didn’t like the lepers in the bible because they had an illness that Jesus cured them of. It’s not the same thing in this case,” Mum answered him still looking at Matt.

“I don’t need normal people to like me. I’ll people like Da has people,” Matt answered.

Mum smacked her head with her hand. It seemed rather hard. Probably out of frustration and because she couldn’t very well smack him or shouldn’t. So, he was saying he was ok with a bunch of old men that wanted to rape him? That wanted to grope him and do…that? Eww. Just no.

“You’re ok with having some strange man feel your bum?” I asked which caused James to giggle.

I have to admit I wasn’t usually that blunt so it probably did sound funny coming from me. But the whole idea was just beyond stupid that he would be ok with that. What was the point in that? Other than to …make himself happy. The guy feeling his bum not Matt.

“Presents,” Matty said which caused me to snort.

So, Da had peddled that speech to. The same thing most bottoms seemed to believe that others were getting paid or getting something out of it. Where the fuck was my money? I mean I didn’t need it I was 10 but it would probably have made it feel worthwhile I thought before I realized I would really be a whore in every sense of the word if they gave me things for it. This causing me to sigh loudly.

“What do you mean presents?” Mum asked looking at him before she turned to John as he walked up, “What does he mean presents?”

“Where do you think Cole got the money mum?” John said like it was the most obvious thing, “I thought you knew that’s where…”

“No,” Mum said shaking her head, “No I didn’t. Bloody hell why didn’t you say anything? Are you getting money?”

“No,” John said his eyes widening for a second before he shook his head.

“If he was maybe he’d be less upset about it,” Matty muttered which must have shocked mum because she smacked him lightly across the cheek.

They both froze staring at each other. Matt holding his cheek in shock frowning at her. He didn’t even look like he wanted to cry which would have been a normal reaction from an 8-year-old getting slapped across the face but he just stared at her as she stared at him.

“I’m sorry,” Mum said looking at him, “John can you get the babies back in their car seats love? I’ll be back in a minute.”

She said this as she pulled Mary out from under the blanket she was holding and did up her shirt handing both the blanket and Mary to John before she hurried off leaving us all standing there in shock.

“Would you?” Matt asked John smiling.

“Would I what Matt?” John hissed.

“Feel better if they paid you?” Matt asked John directly shrugging his shoulders.

“Fuck off,” John said.

“What? I would. Last time Da gave me 50.00 for my piggy bank. It kind of made it that much more fun. Like a game,” Matty said.

I felt my face turning red. How was he ok talking about this? Where people could hear? How was any of this ok?

“Pays you for what?” James asked.

I loved James but he was like six. Sometimes he could be daft. Most six-year olds are daft.

“Well so he could…,” Mike slammed his hand over Matt’s mouth before he could finish saying that James eyes going wide and him taking a step or two away from Matt shaking his head in shock.

“But that hurts,” James said barely above a whisper.

“Not always,” Matt said after licking Mike’s hand causing Mike to move his hand and frown at Matt as he whipped his hand on his own shirt.

“No, it always hurts,” James said causing me to look at him.

“When was the…,” I trailed off not sure I wanted to know the answer to that question.

James got a far off look on his face like he was somewhere else opening his mouth to say something before he shut it again looking at his feet. How did I not know? How did mum not know?

“Bud…? It’s ok,” I said to which he shook his head his whole-body shivering.

He was trying not to cry. To be brave. John turning around and coming out of the van to grab Laura and help her get strapped in when he noticed.

“Bud, James Buddy what’s wrong?” he asked to which James didn’t move still just staring at his feet.

That’s why he had gone quiet again. That’s why for a while he hadn’t been getting better again but seemed to be getting quieter. Because Da or uncle Ben had done something. Something we weren’t aware of. Something that had hurt. One of them had raped him. After Christmas. After Lionel.

“Hey,” John said grabbing him and picking him up as John nodded his head at me to finish getting everyone in the car, “Hey it’s ok. Shh…. shh… it’s ok bud. You’re ok.”

He mumbled something indecipherable into John’s shoulder before he started sobbing John rocking him slowly sitting on the floor of the van. I climbed over them with Laura in my arms buckling her in and when I turned around to grab Andrew I found he had joined their hug.

“Kiss better,” he said kissing James cheek, “all better.”

That made me smile. If only it were that easy. To kiss it better. To just make it go away. It would take an eternity of kisses and hugs to make any of it better though. I already knew that but Andy was just little. He didn’t get it. Hopefully he never would. Hopefully he would never have to understand that pain. How all the kisses and hugs in the world couldn’t make better what Da had done to hurt us. What he had let other people do to hurt us. No one deserved to feel that hurt. Not ever.

“Come on Andy,” I said grabbing him, “I got to put you back ok?”

“goos bac?” he asked me.

“In your seat,” I told him, “Back in your seat.”

I did him up into his seat a lump in my throat. James was only six. He was only six and da had raped him three times. Or at least someone had. He was just a baby. It wasn’t fair. None of it was fair.

Cat was already in her seat having buckled herself in Matt and Mike climbing over and getting into their own seats before I stopped them. Usually the back row was all car seats, Andy, Laura, Mac and Mary and then the next row was usually Seamus and Cat with James in the lone seat up against the door and then Matt Mike and I usually shared the bench seat but I didn’t want James sitting alone. He didn’t need to sit by himself. He needed someone to be with him. To comfort him. Me looking at Mike and Matt.

“Can one of you sit in Jay’s seat and the other one sit in mine?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Mike said getting up and moving into James’ normal seat before Matt grabbed him trying to stop him.

“But we always sit together,” Matt said frowning and shaking his head.

“It’ll only be for a few hours. Please, can’t you see he needs someone? Just this once Matt. And you know if you wouldn’t have brought it up and you weren’t being a snot he wouldn’t be like this. So please if you care about him even a little just do it. Do it for him,” I said looking at Matt who sighed letting go of Mike and then scooting over one seat just as mum starting coming towards us.

“Come here bud, I’ve got you,” I said tapping John on the shoulder to let him know I could take care of James, sit with him. John swallowed looking up at me and nodding his head.

He looked like he was going to cry. He wasn’t but he looked like he wanted to. I knew he wouldn’t. Not in front of them if he could help it just like me but it hurt. Watching James being a quivering mess in John’s arms as John rocked him slowly rubbing his back. It made me wonder how long James had been keeping that secret. Whether he had been not telling us on purpose or…if it had just been easier for him to not say anything.

Mum frowned at us coming over to the sliding door, “Is something wrong?” Mum asked us as I picked up James and put him in his seat.

“Can you grab Hugh out of the boot mum?” I asked her.

“Yeah of course love, do you want his blanket too?” Mum asked me.

I nodded my head sitting down with him in the seat next to Matt.

“I’m sorry Jay,” Matt said surprising me, “I didn’t mean to make you sad. I won’t talk about it anymore ok? I swear.”

He didn’t say anything to Matt but buried his face in my shirt as he continued to cry quietly. It was heart breaking and it made me angry. Knowing that I had been trying so hard, that I had been doing everything I could and it still wasn’t enough. Wasn’t enough to keep him safe. To keep him from suffering. Mum climbed up into the back of the van and handed Hugh to him which he clamped his arm around still keeping his face buried in my shirt as he shivered and cried silently.

“Can I ask what’s wrong?” Mum asked him running a hand through his hair.

“He’s been quite mum,” I said.

“Aye I’ve noticed. Is this about Da little love?” she asked him kissing his cheek and he nodded his head his face still buried in my shirt as I hugged him, “Ok we’ll talk about it later then. Does anyone want a drink?” Mum asked all of us.

“Yes please,” Mike and Matt said quietly in unison as I turned around to look at everyone else the rest of them already back to sleep. 

John was sitting in the front seat with his eyes closed his seat buckled. His body language said he was awake. It seemed like he didn’t want to be here. His feelings probably mirroring my own wondering what he did wrong. What he did wrong that James deserved to be hurt. How it had even happened. Me making sure James was buckled in as mum handed out juice boxes and put a couple by my feet before she shut the door climbing back into the driver’s seat. 

I heard James mutter something into my shirt that I didn’t understand me still lazily rubbing his back to comfort him, “What was that bud?”

“I’m sorry,” he whimpered.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry about ok? Not ever. Do you want to tell me what happened?” I asked him quietly, whispered in his ear.

“I don’t know,” he said, “I don’t know where Mummy was or you or Jack. We were upstairs. Playing hide and seek and then…it was him. He was looking at me like that bad man. When he hurt me. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t…”

He started whimpering. I wanted to ask him who it was. If it was Uncle Ben or someone else because it wasn’t uncommon for Uncle Ben to bring other people over especially because mum mostly kept us upstairs. I wanted to ask him when it happened but it could have happened at any point. I mean usually we tried to walk them into the house but not always. Usually mum was keeping an eye on everyone but she did make phone calls and the babies did get fussy and pull her attention away.

It could have been anyone Uncle Ben invited over. It could have been Hank or Arthur or Tony for all I knew. The odds of it being Da slim but still possible. Whoever it was they had scared him. He had known and he had been afraid. He shouldn’t have been alone in the rest of the house though. Not ever.

“When was this bud?” I asked him.

“We were…everyone was gone and Matty was tired with Golden eye and he wanted to play hide and seek. He asked mummy if we could. No one was supposed to be there. You and Jack were gone and no one was supposed to be there,” he muttered.

I felt my stomach sink. None of us would have known. John had been as high as a kite and tied down being raped and I had been…with him. None of us would have known. Mum probably would have thought it was safe for them because as far as she had known he was going to be gone throughout the weekend. I had probably even told her that I think. None of us would have known he had left the Villa. 

“Matty never wants to play with me,” he mumbled, “I just wanted to play. He said he would play with me but…he looked at me like the bad man.”

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know if there was anything to say. He made it sound like it was someone he didn’t know though. Like it was someone different.

“Jay did you know this guy?” I asked him feeling him shake his head.

“I called for Matty and Mikey but they didn’t come. We were supposed to be playing hide and seek and they didn’t come,” he whispered to me his shaking and shivers increasing me pulling his blanket tighter around him, “I don’t know where they were Willy but, they didn’t come. He said I had to be quiet. That he just wanted to be play but that I had to be quiet.”

“Was Uncle Ben there?” I asked him.

“He said he wanted to swim but he took me to swim and then took me to the wood room Uncle Ben was in there.”

Fuck. God no fucking no. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! How could he even…he was just a little boy. He was just a little fucking boy.

He went silent. He quit talking about it. Hugging me tighter as I hugged him as I rocked him. I could only imagine the horrible things they did to him. Probably together. Just like Da and Lionel had probably done to him and I heard him tell Pat all about that. What they had made him do. If I ever saw Uncle Ben again I would fucking kill him. That’s what I told myself. That I would kill him. For what he had done to me and to Mike, to John and James. Whatever he had done to Matt and what he had threatened to do to Andy. I would kill him.

I hugged him and whispered a story in his ear. A story based in the harry Potter universe until his tears ceased and his breathing evened out. Until he was asleep. He had only been asleep for maybe 30 minutes when we stopped.

I looked out the window. It was a McDonalds. I had no idea why we were stopping because it wasn’t like we didn’t have snacks in the car. We had been in the car probably a total of nearly six hours probably closer to seven at that point if you counted the 20-minute break to use the bathrooms. I had no idea where we were. I’m not sure any of us did only that we were stopping mum sighing and stretching as she got out of the car because John did the same opening the van door and climbing in starting to undo seat belts. Lifting Mac, Mary and Seamus out of their carriers and handing them over to mum as I sat with James who was sleeping still wrapped in my arms waiting until everyone else was out before I woke him up.

“Bud, we’re stopping for food ok?” I told him.

He yawned and nodded his head before he climbed out of the car rubbing at his eyes sleepily as John grabbed a car seat and mum grabbed the other two me grabbing Laura and Andy’s hands while James and Cat grabbed theirs and Mike and Matt walked in-between John and I mum finding a table for us right outside the play area before mum sat the carriers down and told James, Cat, Mike and Matt to go play.

“What are we doing here mum?” I asked her.

“We’re meeting someone don’t worry about it. It’s a chance for everyone to stretch their legs and I’ll get us some food. Everyone find with burgers and fries aye?” she asked us and John and I nodded our heads. John waited until mum was gone and at the counter before he spoke to me looking into the play area and watching them, “Did he tell you anything?”

“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “He said it was that weekend. The weekend the Villa stuff happened.”

“With me you mean?” he asked me, “Did he say what? Where were you and mum?”

I felt my face heating up. I didn’t feel like I was ready to tell him. I didn’t feel like it was safe yet. I didn’t think it was safe for him to know. He would blame me forever if I didn’t though.

“I wasn’t there,” I said barely a whisper.

“You weren’t there? Where were you? If you weren’t at home, where were you?” he asked me quietly leaning in closer.

“With you,” I barely managed to out before I had to close my eyes to keep myself from crying.

“With me? You weren’t with me, you …” John gasped, “Why didn’t you say anything? It’s been two weeks Will.”

“Mum doesn’t know. She thinks I was at a friend’s house. Don’t tell her. Please don’t tell her. Not yet ok?” I begged him.

“Why does she think you were at a friend’s house? Why would she think that?” he asked me quietly glancing over my shoulder to see what the kids were doing before he looked back at me.

“She doesn’t know…about the stuff going on,” I told him.

“What does that have to do with anything? What do you mean she doesn’t know? Of course, she knows. How could she not know?” John said frowning at me confused.

“She doesn’t know who he is,” I told John, “I don’t… I can’t...”

John’s whole body lost its coloring, “Are you mad? And you didn’t tell mum any of this? Not any of it? Uncle Ben came and took you from school that day and mum doesn’t know?”

I nodded my head. It was easier this way. Making him think it was Uncle Ben. That I was just scared of Uncle Ben. That it was Uncle Ben doing it because if he found us, I didn’t know what he would do if John knew. No one was supposed to know. It felt like everyone did but John had so much going on already. It was easier to just pretend it was Uncle Ben than anything else.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Will, why didn’t you say anything?”

“No one is supposed to know John. You can’t tell. Please, please don’t tell.” I said my voice squeaking.

“Know what?” John asked me.

“You know how Pat and everyone has talked about…contracts?” I asked him and he nodded his head, “I’m…his.”

I lied because I wasn’t sure what else to do. I wasn’t ready to talk about it. I wasn’t ready to let everyone know. I was still so scared that he was going to come after us, that he was going to hurt mum. We needed mum. And John couldn’t know. He could never know.

“HOLY SHIT!” John shouted making one the babies start fussing and making the lady at the table next to us shoot us a dirty look before Mum came over with the tray frowning at us.

“Don’t speak like that Johnathan you have no reason to swear like that,” Mum scolded him.

“You’re right I’m sorry mum,” John mumbled as mum set the food down on the table and John got up grabbing the few cups that had come with the meal and going over to the drink counter filling them up.

I didn’t know if he was looking for me yet. If Da or Uncle Ben were looking for us yet but I knew they would be. As soon as they realized we were gone they would be. I felt stupid about it. Here I was just happy someone had liked me and now…the realization had hit that someone bad liked me enough to look for me. That I should have stayed and told everyone else to leave.

That they would have been better off if I would have just stayed. Mum calling everyone over to the table as John came back all of us sitting down at the three nearest tables and eating mum turning to look at the door a man coming in with a beard. A big bushy beard like the man…from after Christmas what was his name…

“Pete?” I said quietly.

He looked up and smiled at me brightly, “You remember me huh?” he said his thick southern drawl very present me nodding my head at him.

“Who is he?” John asked before he realized, “Oh.”

“How are you doing Danielle?” he asked her as he sat down next to James who scooted away before climbing over the seat and into Matt’s lap.

“I’m eating here do you mind?” Matt barked.

“Come here,” I said to James holding open my arms, “N’aie pas peur.” (Don’t be scared)

“Pardon?” Pete said looking at our mum.

“They can speak French,” Mum said, “Should we talk away from them a bit?”

“I reckon we probably should,” he said nodding his head in agreement before going to the other side of the dining room.

“Il ne me fera pas de mal?” (He won’t hurt me?) James muttered to me climbing into my lap as I hugged him.

“Non, Il est un homme bon,” (No, he’s a good man.) I answered him.

“Pourquoi le français?” Mike asked us. (Why the French?)

“I think he’s just nervous,” I said switching back to English.

“Why though?” Matt asked.

“Matty really?” I asked him shaking my head.

“It’s ok to be nervous Jay,” Cat said smiling at him sadly before standing on the bench to reach for his hand, “je te protègerai” (I will protect you)

“Can you protect me too Cat because we’re all going to need it,” John said looking at me and smiling.

He might have meant it as a joke but it wasn’t funny to me. I knew it was my fault. All of it was my fault. I sighed John looking at me and patting my shoulder assuringly.

Mum and Pete wandered back over Pete standing in front of our table, “Ok guys here’s the deal last time we had you stay at a hotel this time you’ll be coming to my house. It’s about three hours from here give or take. I’ll be taking some of you in my car. Once we get there everything will be set up and you’ll be staying with me and my family for a couple of days before you guys hit the road again.”

“Where is your home?” Matt asked him.

“Hoover Alabama,” he said smiling at Matt, “Don’t worry it’s far away from y’all’s Daddy. You don’t have a thing to worry about. I’ll get you there all nice and tucked away take care of some business and then have you on your way if the creek don’t rise.”

“If the creek don’t rise?” Mike asked.

“It means as long as nothing bad happens,” Mum told him.

“Oh, so is someone riding with him again?” Mike asked mum.

“Aye love, he just said that,” Mum answered him.

“Who?” Mike asked.

“Well that’s what we came around for,” Pete said smiling, “I can take three in a car seat and three walkers.”

We all looked at each other. There were 11 of us five in car seats and six that could walk. John wouldn’t want to go with him and Cat would want to stay with John. I knew that was true. Mike and Matt would want to stay together where ever they went and James would probably want to be with me.

I sighed. I didn’t want to go with Pete not because he was a bad guy but because I was tired and I couldn’t make sure mum was ok if I wasn’t with her but mum would want one of us to go with Pete. Either John or I because we were the most responsible. We were the oldest.

“I’ll go with Pete,” I said quietly, just so John didn’t have to.

“All right,” Pete said.

“ Je veux être avec Willy,” James muttered. (I want to be with Willy)

“Ok love, that’s fine,” Mum said, “That’s two.”

“One more walker,” Pete said causing Cat, Matt and Mike to look at each other and then John.

I knew John didn’t want to and mum must have sensed it too but it would easier if it was him. Because Cat would be ok if it was mum she was with even though she also wanted John to be there. John looked at everyone looking at him and hugged himself.

He didn’t trust Pete. He didn’t trust anyone. I couldn’t blame him for that at all. I knew about some of the stuff Da had put him through. A hell of a lot more than Da had forced me to endure. Everyone was looking at him as mum sighed.

“John love, Can I talk to you?” she asked me.

“Mum,” John whispered shaking his head.

“Come here love, it’s ok,” Mum said putting an arm on his shoulder and leading him away from the table to another where they could talk privately.

“Matt,” I said before sighing, “Si vous avez un coeur, vous le ferez. Si vous vous souciez de lui, vous viendrez avec nous.” (If you have a heart, you will do it. If you care about him, you will come with us.)

Matt shook his head at me, “Qu'en est-il de Mike? Je ne peux pas le laisser seul, il est à moi. Je le protège pas quelqu'un d'autre. John est juste une pute, peu importe, tu sais combien de gars l'ont collé? Probablement des millions. Qu'est-ce qu'un autre?”  
(What about Mike? I cannot leave him alone, he is mine. I protect him. John is just a whore, you know how many guys stuck it to him? Probably millions. What is another?)

Catty gasped in surprise. It’s not anything Matt hadn’t said before. He just had never said it in front of her so bluntly. I wasn’t even sure she knew what a whore was. I wanted to smack him so hard. Me shaking my head at him.

“Je pensais que tu avais dit qu'il était bon?” James said his voice sounding shaky, (I thought you said he was good?)

“He is. Matt is just being a canard,” I said.

“Everyone knows what that means,” Mike said.

“It’s true,” I said, “Viens un Matt s'il te plait” (Come on Matt. Please?)

“You just called me a shithead! So, no, no I’m not doing that any favors,” Matt said before he hissed in pain, “CATTY REALLY!”

“YOU KEEP SWEARING, SWEARING IS BAD AND HE LOVES YOU! HE LOVES ALL OF US AND YOU’RE BEING MEAN YOU’RE BEING MEAN LIKE DADDY IS MEAN AND I DON’T LIKE IT I DON’T WANT YOU TO BE MY BROTHER ANYMORE,” she screamed at him her little face turning the same color as her hair as Pete stared as us sheepishly like he had no idea what to do.

Mum turned and marched over to us, “What on earth? Does anyone care to explain?”

“I asked Matt to go,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“Matt is going to want to stay with Mike,” Mum told me like I didn’t already know.

“He calls me a whore he calls John a whore. He calls us whores and sluts all the time and you never care mum. You just turn your back like it’s not a big deal like we don’t matter. Well I feel like we should. I am not a fucking whore!” I said loudly before getting up and running off to the bathroom to calm myself down.

I didn’t want to be a whore. I didn’t want to be a slut or a harem boy. I didn’t want to be his. I hated it. I hated everything. This was supposed to be making things better and it wasn’t. It was just making it all that much worse. It was stupid this whole idea was fucking stupid.

I waited my breathing slowing and then picking up again and turning red realizing what I had said. That I had told a total stranger that was trying to help us a lot more about our situation that he ever needed to know, than he probably ever wanted to know. I felt like a total idiot sitting there in the stall just trying to breathe. Just trying to convince myself that maybe he didn’t understand or maybe he didn’t hear it and coming up with every answer that was negative. He had heard it and he was an adult he understood very well what I meant and there was no answer I was coming up with that could convince me of it being something else. Something that I could spin and explain away.

John was going to hate me. Because I hadn’t just told Pete about me I’d told him about John too. John was going to be so fucking pissed at me. He would never forgive me. And all this guy would see was…was that. Me starting to cry silently the more I thought about it. Before there was a knock on the door scaring me and then someone opening it.

It was a small bathroom with two stalls. I mean there wasn’t really that many people in the dining area and it basically emptied before the screaming and fighting had started but I was still mortified. I didn’t want this guy to think I was a whore. Or a slut. Me thinking about why Matty might call me that. His voice echoing it in my head for a second making it all that much worse, “You’re my little cockslut aren’t you honey? That’s right you want my cock you want Daddy’s cock…”

“William, right?” I heard Pete’s drawl say quietly me nodding my head before I realize I was locked in a stall that he couldn’t see me.

“Yes,” I said.

“You’re probably really upset right now but I want you to know I’ve been doing this a long time. Helping people like you boys and your Mama for a long time. So long the cows have probably come and gone several times. I’ve seen and I’ve heard everything. What I’m trying to say is you have nothing to be ashamed of,” Pete said quietly.

I shook my head. It was our rule a brotherhood rule but one of ours too. We didn’t talk about each other. It wasn’t our right. It wasn’t our experience. We didn’t do it. It was an unspoken rule. He waited silence filling the air between us before he spoke again.

“I may not know what it’s like but I have met plenty of boys and girls who do. That’s why I emphasize personal boundaries when people ride with me, I respect and I don’t touch people who don’t want to be touched. Which is just about everyone. You seem like a sensible young man. I gather that the one, the one that looks like one of the quiet ones and the oldest don’t like each other much?” Pete questioned me.

“His name is Matt,” I said quietly.

“So, Matt doesn’t like John?” Pete asked me.

“He doesn’t like either of us,” I answered, “He blames us.”

“For having to leave?”

“For everything,” I answered quietly, “I wasn’t supposed to tell you though.”

“Tell me what? That your Daddy is a prick who beats his wife and children? A piece of scum that doesn’t understand the word no? I already figured that. That’s not on you son,” Pete said, “You wouldn’t be running if he wasn’t like that. Whatever else happened is your business. If it’ll help you I’ll pretend I don’t know all right?”

“You don’t think I’m gross?” I asked him before I could think about it.

“I think you’re braver than Yankee lost on the Mississippi,” he said which I didn’t completely understand.

“You think I’m brave?” I asked him quietly.

“Damn Skippy,” he muttered.

I had no idea who Skippy was. But, ok. That was my thought as I whipped my eyes and opened up the stall door him giving me a sad smile, “now how about you put some speed in that turtle and we get back on the road?”

I nodded my head. I still felt embarrassed about it. That he knew but he was right. We did need to get on the road. We weren’t that far from home. Farther than Da or Uncle Ben wanted us to be but, not far enough. Nowhere would ever be far enough. He stepped back and held the door open for me as I walked out mum coming up to me and hugging me.

“Where is John?” I asked.

“He’s starting to load people into the van,” Mum said, “Are you ok love? I had no idea Matt was bullying you boys. I’ll be having another very long talk with him ok?”

“Ok Mummy,” I said letting her hug me as I closed my eyes just feeling her warmth. She always made me feel safe. 

“Things will get better. I know this seems super hard but the hard part is almost over I promise,” Mum said before she grabbed James’ hand.

I still didn’t know where John was going to be, what car. I had walked away in the middle of it feeling like an idiot and I thought John would be beyond pissed at me. However, I had noticed something. We all had nicknames and then sometimes nicknames for our nicknames. Like I was Will or Wingman depending on and James was Jay or bud while Mike was Mikey or Pal and so on… Since we had left home I had heard John called Jack more often than I had heard it even said in the past couple of years. However, Da hated it when people called him Jack.

I didn’t know why but he did. John however never minded it. Just being no longer in that house had already started helping some of us. Helping us get back to what we were before. Where we were as a family before we had moved to Florida before we had left home, left England.

Da had still been around but things had felt happier, easier there. John and I spending most of our week in the dorms at school playing football and chatting with our friends. Doing brother things. A lot of evenings spent in the common room playing board games with our friends and joking around, laughing. Things had always been good there until the weekend. Until we had to go home. Until we had to spend the night at home.

I sighed walking out to the car following Pete. In the end after discussing it John had agreed to go with Pete, James and I. Mac Laura and Andy also joining us in Pete’s car while everyone else stayed with mum. It was only a two and half hour drive to where ever we were going.

John sighed as he climbed into the back of the van after James and me and once everyone else was safety in whichever van they were riding in sliding the door shut behind us. He exhaled loudly as he buckled his seat belt.

“Are you mad at me?” I asked him quietly.

“No,” he shook his head, “Just nervous.”

“He won’t hurt us,” I said.

“I think I know that but I…,” he trailed off.

“I know,” I told him taking his hand, “It’s ok though. We’ll be ok.”

“Damn tootin you’ll be ok,” Pete said loudly making us both jump, “Now just sit back because it’s going to be a boring ride.”

With that he turned on the radio. It was country music. A music genre that is not my favorite however after so many songs they started to blur together until eventually I fell asleep. I think John held my hand the entire ride. I’m not sure he closed his eyes but, he squeezed my hand the whole time him shaking me awake when we stopped.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The family arrives at Pete's house for a short stay before moving forward with their lives. Tying up a couple of loose ends to make them harder to find. Once they get to their final destination they find that not all of them will be going to their new home right away. The twins causing a scene in their distress. Will has trouble getting settled once he gets reminded of what day it is his whole world feeling like it's about to start crashing down around him, too good to be true. They meet with some people from Rosalina foundation and other social workers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 604 to 639 so this is inbetween John's part one and two. This is the beginning of some of that stuff that happens in Montana. So exciting! No super heavy warnings here **Warnings: Mentions of bullying, mental health issues, Homophobia, PTSD, Anxiety, depression, mentions of child sexual abuse.**

“I think we’re here Wingman,” he said quietly.

“Where is here?” I asked him.

“I don’t know,” he muttered, “look.”

I looked out the windshield. Pete had gotten out of the car and was standing in the drive way with a woman that wasn’t mum talking quietly. The house was Tan in color and seemed to be one floor and in front of us next to where they were standing was a pop out camper. I had seen a camper before and I knew what they were. Once summer came around it seemed like there was always one in someone’s driveway as we drove through the neighborhood. I wondered why it was there and what John was waiting for. You would think he’d want to stretch his legs.

“Why are we still in the car?” I asked him.

“Waiting for mum. She’s not supposed to be too far…,” we heard the sound of a car pulling up behind us John sighing with relief as he saw it was the van that, it was mum. He opened the door before climbing into the back bench to undo Andy and Laura and grab Mac as I started waking up James.

“Bud, Mummy’s here and we’re here,” I told him.

“Where is here?” he mumbled as mum got out of the walking past the other side of Pete’s van and walking up to him and whoever he was talking to before she looked at us smiling and waving to John and me, John who helped Andy and Laura out both of them shouting “Mama” happily as they ran to her the moment their little feet hit the ground still clad in PJ’s. All of us still wearing PJ’s.

I got out of the car behind him holding Jay’s hand as John carried Mac. He sighed as mum kissed his cheek. He still seemed super nervous. I understood why. We were away from home surrounded by people we didn’t know. We’d ridden in a car with a man who looked like he belonged more at home in the mountains than in a van with a bunch of kids. Pete smiling at us.

“Ok fella’s this is my wife Wanda,” Pete said introducing the woman beside him.

She had to be around mum’s age, her blonde hair tied back in a braid. She was wearing a dress with a floral print on it. Blue and yellow flowers. I remember thinking it was a pretty dress, simple but pretty, calming. She smiled at us and waved.

“I’ll be helping your mum. You’ll be staying for a couple of days. Sissy is in the house and I’m not sure where Roscoe went off to. He’ll be back in a little bit though because supper is gonna be ready soon,” she said in a southern accent one that sounded warm and inviting.

“Sissy?” James asked quietly as Mum handed Mac over to Wanda his eyes going wide in curiosity as he stared at her.

“That’s Malachy,” I told her, “I’m Will.”

“I’m John and this is James, Andy, and Laura,” John told her.

She smiled at him and held out her hand, “It’s nice to meet you, Johnny.”

He flinched. That’s what Uncle Ben called him. I don’t think he even realized he had done it me putting my hand on his arm and smiling at her as she frowned.

“He prefers John,” I said quietly.

“Which one of you is the oldest?” she asked us.

“He is,” I said as he looked at me.

“Are you just quiet then John?” she asked him.

“We’re both pretty quiet,” I answered, “Everyone says so. It’s just…easier sometimes.”

“I understand that,” Wanda said smiling at us, “Mama June is like that. Always so quiet, that’s Pete’s mama. Her Daddy wasn’t very nice to her when she was little. Pete’s daddy either.”

John nodded his head sighing. He seemed tired. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had been awake for most of the day. Just watching trees and highways and shops pass by his window. Especially once we were in Pete’s van. I think he was upset and not sure what to do. I could feel the anxiety coming off him. It felt the same as mine. Me wondering when I would get a chance to tell him that as mum called his name calling him over to our van.

“Will, right?” Wanda asked me.

“Yes ma’am, “I said quietly.

“How about I show you around and the little ones?” she asked me to which I nodded my head as she turned with Mac cooing to him and walked us into the house.

It wasn’t a big house but it was clean. I was surprised by how clean it was, to be honest, the only thing that made the living room looked lived in a bunch of toddler toys in the corner which Andy and Laura immediately took to, me opening my mouth to scold them before Wanda said over her shoulder without turning to look at me.

“Don’t worry about it puddin they're just fine. Those are sissy’s toys. She hardly plays with them anymore. She’s almost four.”

I sighed and decided to let them play following her down the hallway where she opened a door. It was a bedroom, a big bedroom. It looked like it had clean sheets and a playpen on the floor at the foot of the bed. It made me wonder what it was for.

“This is where Pete and I usually sleep but, your Mama and little brothers and sisters will be staying in here. You’ll only be here for a few days so we can help your mama take care of some things and then you’ll be on your way again. Sissy who I bet you anything…,” she muttered going out into the hall and knocking on another door.

“Yeah, Ma?” I heard a tiny high-pitched voice ask from inside.

“Darlin open the door. You know those guests I told you about? They’re here,” she said to which the door opened.

“Who are you?” this little girl with blonde curly hair loose down her back asked me frowning at me like I was an animal she had never seen before.

“My name is Will,” I answered.

“I thought you said there would be a girl ma,” she said.

Wanda laughed, “She’s here. Why don’t you go outside and say hello?”

“Ok Ma,” she said getting up and leaving the room.

“That’s sissy for you,” Wanda said smiling, “Always straight to the point. Anyway, this is where your sister will be staying and I’m pretty sure you boys are going to be staying in the camper with Roscoe tonight.”

“What?” I asked her. 

I wasn’t sure I was ok with that. And where was James staying? Did she mean all of us? Or was it just going to be John and me? How old was Roscoe? Was he nice? Was he going to hate us? Was he…was he going to…

“Can you tell me what’s wrong?” she asked me.

“Where’s my mum?” I asked her.

“Outside I’m sure,” she said before I took off heading back outside. I walked up to mum who was still standing there talking to Pete almost everyone out in the yard playing on the swings outside.

“Mum, we’re spending the night in the camper,” I told her.

“Love?” she asked me.

“We’re spending the night in the camper with Roscoe,” I repeated myself.

“Ok,” she said, “Pete could you take Mary and Seamus inside?” 

“Sure Danielle,” he muttered taking the baby carriers from her.

“Roscoe isn’t going to hurt you, love. He’s not like that and he’s young,” she said.

“How do you know?” I asked mum, “You don’t know him. I don’t know him, mum.”

“Love, what are you so scared of?” she asked me, “I know your Da didn’t treat you well and that some bad things happened to John but, he’s 16. He’s not going to hurt you.”

“You don’t know that!” I said loudly shaking my head, “Mum please, you don’t know that.”

“Love, John and Mike and Matt, and Jay are going to be with you. You aren’t going to be alone. This boy isn’t going to hurt you. I’m sure he’s a very nice…” we both turned around when we heard a car pull up in the driveway.

It was a truck. A tiny pickup truck and out hopped some guy probably only slightly older than John. His blond curly hair much like his little sisters looking unruly as he jumped out looking around at all my siblings who had all paused in his yard to stare at him.

“Huh, howdy,” he said, “I’m Roscoe Y'all must be the people staying with us for day or two, right?”

I nodded my head even though he was busy looking at everyone else as Pete came back out of the house, “There you are ya idijit. Where in Sam hill have you been?”

“Well Tommy said Jessie wanted to hang out so we went over to the lake and we were fishing,” Roscoe told his dad.

“You were supposed to be here. This isn’t your first rodeo. You know how this goes,” Pete proclaimed.

“I’m sorry Pa really,” Roscoe said, “I lost track of time. I didn’t realize there’d be so many of them.”

“Boys!” Pete called out causing all of my brothers to gather because you know…boys was…we were boys and usually if mum wanted all of us at once at home that was what she shouted out them all coming up to where we were standing, “This is my son Roscoe, Y'all going to be spending the night in the camper with him. He won’t hurt ya. He’s a good young man. He’ll keep you safe. He knows how to use a shotgun. He’ll have it nearby.”

“Mum can we…,” John trailed off.

“I know love,” mum said hugging him, “I know it’s ok.”

“I don’t…,” John sighed.

“Look, I won’t hurt you,” Roscoe said to us, “Really I won’t. I’ll be there just in case anyone shows up. Not that they will but just in case. You and me and…this one what’s your name?” He asked looking at me.

“Will,” I said.

“Will, you me and Will can stay up all night drinking root beer and playing cards if you want while the kids sleep on the other side of the camper ok?” Roscoe said.

“That would be ok,” John said nodding his head as I nodded my head.

“I love you boys,” Mum said.

“I love you too mum,” I said just as Wanda came outside.

“All right everyone it’s time for supper,” Wanda said, “Come and get it.”

We all went inside to eat. Sissy and Roscoe oddly enough didn’t ask us any questions about why we were there nor where we were going. Like they were used to it. Used to having kids in their house. Mum left John and I in charge after supper and went somewhere with Pete them muttering something about papers being all squared away before they left.

“So, do you guys play soccer or anything?” Roscoe asked us as Wanda kicked us back outside for the night warning us not to relieve ourselves in her flower bed because it would probably scare the neighbor and that we were welcome in the house if we needed anything.

It was close to 7 pm at that point and she put down the younger babies and told us she would watch over Andy Laura and Cat who were all exhausted anyway from being trapped in the car all day long.

“I used to,” I answered, “Football. I think that’s the same as soccer.”

“Really? You guys call soccer football?” Roscoe asked sounding surprised.

“Well you play it with your foot and a ball,” I answered shrugging my shoulders causing Roscoe to laugh.

“You guys want to watch a movie? You can watch die hard in the camper as we start to settle in,” Roscoe told Mike and Matt.

“YEAH!” Matt said as he nodded his head.

“Ok, let’s go set it up and then we can go and talk ok with you two?” he asked John and me.

John nodded his head seeming a bit more relaxed as we waited outside sitting at a picnic table. The camper wasn’t huge but it wasn’t tiny. John sighing and looking at me as Mike, Matt and James giggled from inside the camper chatting loudly with Roscoe.

“Are you ok?” I asked him.

“I’m better than I have been in a bit,” he told me, “Just scared. That you know, they’re going to find us or something horrible is going to happen.”

“Me too,” I agreed, “Are you mad I didn’t tell you or mum about…you know?”

“No Wingman. I wish you wouldn’t have let yourself do that, go through that on your own. I understand why though. I mean I know you want to protect mum I do too. You shouldn’t have had to keep what he was doing to you a secret though. You should have told me I would have helped you. I would have been able to help. You know I would have done what I could. I would have tried to…”

“To what? handle it? Why because you’re Older? What?” I asked him. “That’s not true. I know how hard things are for you. He’s my Da too. He’s always been my Da too. You think I don’t remember but I do. I remember it, Jack, I remember all of it. All the screaming all the time. All the hiding. I know what he’s like. I know what all of them are like. Don’t tell me you know better.”

“I’m a lot more used to it,” John finished.

“I don’t think I could ever get used to that,” I said.

“I hope not,” he said, “I was starting to though I think. Shutting everything down and just…doing it. Only letting myself feel something when Pat was around or trying to anyway because if he wasn’t there all I felt was the…overwhelming bleakness. The feeling that nothing would ever be better. That it was my job to keep everyone else from feeling that and it’s tiring. I love you all with all of me but it’s so fucking tiring to worry about what’s going to happen the next time I’m not there. Who he was…” John’s voice started cracking before he cleared his throat, “Who he was going to hurt if I wasn’t there.”

“I know,” I said nodding my head, “I feel it too. Matty blames me for it. For what happened to Mike. He calls me names. Everyone calls me names.”

“Who is everyone?” John asked me frowning.

“At school. Matt mostly at home. I’m tired too John. And he’s…nothing like you imagine him to be,” I said.

“I imagine he’s a right git. I mean he’s always an asshole to me.”

I shook my head. He hurt. His hands always felt more like claws. The thought making me shiver. The idea of him too much. The idea that I was still alone with it. With him even after I had tried to say something. That he was so strong, even the idea of him.  
It didn’t matter that he was covered and liver spots and ugly. That he was bald on the top of his head or that he looked thin and old. He was still too strong. Even if I hadn’t been too afraid to kick or pull away. Even if my limbs didn’t fill with lead every time he looked at me I was pretty sure he was still too strong for me to have a chance. For me to be able to fight him off.

“Are you ok wingman?” John asked me, “Hey, hey…,” John said coming over and sitting on the bench next to me hugging me, “It’s ok. You’re safe. You’re with me and we’re safe ok?”

I had gone still. I must have. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have done that. Me letting my brain get overrun with thoughts. With thoughts of if I really could have fought him off. If I really had a chance and coming to the same conclusion no matter how I ran the scenario. He was just too strong and I was too weak. Too much of a loser and a slut to do anything to get away from him.

“It’s ok wingman,” he said running his hand over my back, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Willy.”

“What are you sorry for?” I asked him.

“That I failed,” he said quietly, “That I didn’t know.”

I hadn’t meant to think about him at all but he was worse than Uncle Ben. So much worse. Uncle Ben didn’t make me…do things with other people. If he would have never made me beg and tell Uncle Ben about it he probably never would have made me do it either.

“It’s ok Wingman,” John said, “shhh…it’s ok.”

“It’s not your fault. You didn’t know,” I said shaking my head and wiping at my face, “I just…there was too much going on.”

“Aye, I think you’re right. Especially considering what happened to James when Uncle took you there. Why didn’t I see you? If he took you to the Villa. You weren’t even supposed to be there Will. Not at all.”

“I don’t know,” I said feeling my shoulders shaking with the lie. I wanted to say something I did but, he…he wouldn’t ever understand it. I knew he wouldn’t ever get it. He would probably laugh at me once he heard it wasn’t Uncle Ben at all but Lionel. That I couldn’t even fight off a gross old man.

“It’s ok,” he said still rubbing my shoulders as Roscoe cleared his throat letting us know he was there.

“I’ll be back in a second. I’m going to go grab some root beers. We’ll hang out here until dark then head-on in,” he told us to which we nodded our heads.

“I didn’t realize it was that bad. What he was doing to you,” John told me, “I would have…”

“It wouldn’t have mattered,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“When was the last time? If it’s ok to ask. I mean I know we don’t…,” I cut him off.

“The night before we left,” I answered.

“Why didn’t you say anything Will?!” he asked me rather loudly.

“What were you going to do? There’s nothing anyone could have done. You know that. If it wasn’t me it would have been Mike. And they’re so tiny,” I said.

“We can blame mum for that,” John said giving me a small smile, “Tiny people give life to other tiny people. It’s genetic.”

That made me smile, “Aye. Da’s tall though.”

“Da can go bugger off,” John snorted.  
“I agree with that,” I said nodding my head as Roscoe returned setting three bottles of root beer down on the table.

“You guys want to play rummy?” he asked us to which we both nodded our head, “Now I kind of know why you’re here but not really. Who are you running from?”

“Our Da,” John said, “He’s not a good person. He beats us, hurts our mum.”

“That’s horrible,” Roscoe said, “My Pa says my grandad was like that. Used to beat my nana and what not. He was horrible nearly killed her. They had no choice but to leave.”

“Same. We tried to leave shortly after Christmas the first time. He busted her ribs. Needed help even taking a bath,” John muttered.

“Yeah, that’s really bad. They don’t ever get better with it according to my Pa and his friends. Only worse. Get them a little worse each time until finally, it’s…bad things happen. That’s why my Da only takes in women who they are sure won’t go back. Otherwise, it’s a waste of resources they all say.”

“Who are they?” I asked him.

“Rosalina. It’s a foundation of women and men who help other women and their children escape horrible situations where they’re being beaten and worse. They do a lot of work north in like Utah and what not. Mormons and all that,” Roscoe told us.

I had never heard about anything like that. But it was apparently like an underground railroad type of thing. They provided people with resources to leave and counseling. Childcare, help them find jobs or get into school. Help them with all of that stuff so they can get along on their own. They even helped us change last names for all the good it did.

“Mormons?” John asked.

“Well, not real Mormons. I think they call them fundamentalist. They have like five million wives and kids. It’s crazy. They beat and rape their girls. Sometimes they come down this way. We had one family live with us for a while in the camper. This very camper. She had seven kids. Most of them were little girls and their Pa had done something to each one of them. All walked around like deer caught in a head light. Poor girls,” Roscoe said.

My chest felt tight. If only he knew. John and I were no better than those girls. John played his hand in silence. It was depressing to think about. That we weren’t really boys at all but more…something else. Something that wasn’t quite a boy or a young man but not like a girl either. Because those things didn’t happen to boys. That’s what everyone thought it seemed like. But there we were, the product of a cult where it happened to everyone but especially boys.

Worse yet it didn’t seem to matter what age you were. If they wanted to hurt you, make you have sex they would do it. It didn’t matter what you wanted. I wondered if it was just us. Just that group or if there were more guys out there that did it to their sons. If the Mormon fundamentalist did it to their sons too.

“What about the boys?” John asked quietly.

“Well, they marry a lot of the girls when they’re young like 13 or 14. They kick a lot of their boys out and work them like mules before that. Beat them and stuff so it’s possible. We helped a couple of them too. Boys traveling alone for work. They leave them on the side of the road without two pennies to rub together. So, they do what they have to. One of them told me about this time he had to dress up as spiderman for this old…it was so wrong. I didn’t ask him what else the guy made him do but sounded like a real pervert. A guy who would do that to some kid. Fags will do anything to get off though,” Roscoe said.

That had nothing to do with being gay. Not in my opinion. I wouldn’t ever do that to anyone. I knew I wouldn’t. I mean Spiderman was cool sure but he wasn’t cool enough I wanted to stick my dick near him. My face felt warm just thinking about it. Thinking about doing it with Spiderman.

“Are you all right?” Roscoe asked me.

“He has a vivid imagination and he’s super shy. Anytime someone mentions sex his face goes beet red,” John said smiling at me.

“That’s not true,” I said, “It’s not.”

“It is,” John said.

“How can you imagine that?” Roscoe asked me frowning.

“It’s not even…” I sighed shaking my head, “Dressed as Spiderman? Really?”

“That’s what he said,” Roscoe said, “I wasn’t there. I have no idea how any of that…disgusting crap works.”

“I suppose it works that same as it would with a girl. I mean a lad still has a hole just…a bit more to the back,” John said.

“I didn’t mean that. I ain’t stupid,” Roscoe said laughing, “I just meant like does the one guy get anything out of it? Obviously sticking it is all nice and good but having it…”

“Well, there is a prostate up there. It’s the part of the body that helps produce the stuff the sperm mix with to make it shoot out. Apparently, it’s very sensitive,” I said.

“Come again?” he asked.

“He’s absolutely brilliant. He reads a lot,” John told him.

“So, there’s a thing that makes…mixes it all together and if someone were to…it’s supposed to feel nice?” Roscoe asked me quietly.

“In theory,” I answered and I could still feel how warm my face was.

“Ok, not to change so fast on y’all but where are y’all from? You talk different,” he told us, “My Pa said you were from Florida.”

“We are. Well, I guess sort of,” John said, “I was born in New York and he was born in Florida but we went to school in England. Our mum is Irish and our Da is mostly American but our Granddad his father was British. So, I guess that’s where it comes from. Why?”

“That’s where you got y’alls accents from?” he asked us and we both nodded our heads.

“It’s different we realize. Haven’t you ever heard an accent like ours before?” John asked him.

“Not in person,” he said, “We don’t get many folks that sound different round these parts.”

“Well now you can tell everyone you’ve met two boys with British accents and a boatload of siblings,” John said.

“I’ll drink to that,” Roscoe said holding up his bottle of root beer as we clinged them all together.

We heard a honk and turned to see. Mum was driving an RV. It looked much too big for her but she had a huge smile on her face as she pulled up behind Roscoe’s truck.

“I’m surprised you two aren’t resting,” Mum told us.

“Where is the van?” John asked mum.

“Well, to give you the short version I sold it,” Mum answered him, “Brought this instead. It’ll make it harder for Da to find us if we don’t have the van anymore. It’ll be fine. It was the biggest thing they had on such short notice. We’ll make sure all the babies are buckled in and you boys will just have to make sure everyone else is sitting as we drive. We’ll stay through supper tomorrow give everyone time to stretch their legs and then we’ll continue driving. They have a place for us with a bunch of help set up for us. We’ll be fine. You’ll see.”

I sighed. So, we might really be out. At least for now it seemed. For some reason being rid of the van made it feel final almost. Made it feel like it was actually real. That we were actually free. That I didn’t have to deal with Uncle Ben anymore or him. That maybe, maybe things would be ok.

I can’t remember what we talked about but we stayed up until late into the night eventually going into the camper and falling asleep and then stayed most of the day. Everyone stretching their legs and playing us packing ourselves into the new RV around 7 pm and heading off. We spend a couple nights pulled over at rest stops mum leaving the babies mostly in their car seats and stopping for a couple of rest stops and what not that way we didn’t have to use the toilet in the RV and fill up the tank. However, it was nice to wear clothes again changing every morning when we woke up mum having packed three huge duffle bags of clothes to fit everyone’s stuff into.

By the end of the week, we were in Butte Montana. Mum hadn’t told us that was where we were stopped but parked us in a large parking lot and walked John and her down the street leaving me to watch everyone and when she came back there was a woman with her.

“Hello everyone, you can call me miss Tess. I’m going to take all of you home and then we’re going to get your brother settled,” she told us.

“Settled where? Which one?” Cat asked.

“Jack,” I said, “She means Jack.”

“Where is he going?” Cat asked, “He’s supposed to stay with us.”

“That’s right you said as long as we were all together we were safe Willy if he’s not with us we’re not all together,” James said looking at me and mum like he was going to start crying.

“Actually, it’s both John and Matt,” Mum said to which Matt swore loudly.

“There’s nothing wrong with me!” he told her, “I’m fine I’m not sick. I don’t need to go anywhere I don’t drink booze.”

“It’s not about booze love, it’s about other things. You need help love just like John does but different. You’ll be home in no time,” Mum said.

“NO! I’M NOT GOING WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF MIKEY!” Matt screeched.

“I will. I’m his mum and I’ll be here. You’ll only be gone for a little while. It’s because of what Da did ok? It’s not your fault but you need help. You’re so angry all the time love,” Mum said.

“IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH DA. DA LOVES ME AND YOU TOOK ME AWAY FROM HIM. US AWAY FROM HIM!” Matty yelled.

“YOU’RE DA RAPED YOU!” Mum shouted losing her cool which was something that she never did, “Matty you’re Da him hurting you that’s not love. Him forcing you to do that isn’t love. Him making your brothers do that isn’t love.”

“They wanted to do it,” Matt said.

“No, they didn’t,” Mum said, “I know they didn’t because it hurts. I don’t why you think it doesn’t but it does. Your Da doesn’t love us. He doesn’t love any of us. You need to be nicer to your brothers. You need to …you need help. We all need help but you and John both need a lot of it right now. More than I can give so there is a special place where you and John will be staying for a while so that you can get better. We’ll come see you all the time. Mikey and I will come see you every week love. Twice a week even. Mikey will be fine.”

“What about Willy?” he asked.

“What about him love?” she asked him.

“He’s sick too,” Matty said.

I wasn’t sure what he meant by that. Maybe he meant that my anxiety and depression were a problem. That I wasn’t talking about things that he couldn’t possibly know about. It still rattled me though. Thinking that maybe he knew. Knew how bad Lionel was. Knew all the horrible things he had done to me.

“Will is fine,” Mum said, “Even though you’ll all be going to this school where they’ll help you. You’ll all talk about things and it’ll help. Help us all feel better.”

“Talk about what things mummy?” Cat asked her.

“What Da did to us,” she said.

“You mean how his fingers hurt?” she asked mum quietly.

“Yes, love,” Mum said, “Those things.”

“How his fingers hurt?” Miss Tess asked mum looking at mum worried.

“When he stuck them in my vagina,” Cat said before she looked at mum, “Are we not supposed to talk about it?”

“Love I want us to talk about it,” she said, “Sometimes you alone with someone and sometimes we’ll talk about it as a family.”

“What about the others? Do we talk about them?” James asked mum.

“Yes, anything you want or need to talk about,” Mum said smiling at him.

“Are they looking for us mummy? Da I mean and them. Because that’s what Matty thinks, that Da is looking for us,” Mike asked.

“Yeah,” I said without thinking about it.

“Why do you all think they’re looking for us?” Mum asked me.

“Because he’s smart mum,” John said, “It’s Da. He won’t stop looking for us, for me. Not ever. You know that mum and what about Uncle Ben and him? You know what he’s been doing to him? He’s been torturing him. Absolutely torturing him and Mike. He’s not going to want to give us up. Not to mention the rest of them.”

“Ok,” Miss Tessa said, “Does anyone want to tell me what’s going on in your own words. How about we start with John and work our way down the line.”

“What do you mean?” John asked, “My own words?”

“What’s happened to you? What does your Dad do to you?” she asked him.

I saw him visibly swallow. He didn’t like this, being put on the spot like this. I think for him it was harder because everyone knew. The embarrassment of knowing people knew what was happening to him. What Da made him do when they were alone. I think the idea of merely saying it in front of everyone, confirming it was all true mortified him. Him wiggling uncomfortably as Miss Tess stared at him.

“Do I have to mum?” he asked mum quietly looking at her, pleading her with his eyes that she wouldn’t make him. That she wouldn’t make him say it. Admit it.

“You don’t have to go into detail,” Miss Tess said giving John a sympathetic smile, “Just say what happened.”

“He raped me. A lot,” John said in a whisper.

“Ok. She said pulling out a tiny notebook and writing something down, “Anything else?”

“He let his friends…rape me too. And beat me,” John said looking at his hands.

I found it cruel. That mum would make him say that in front of everyone. Just say it like that his whole-body shivering like he was cold. Like he couldn’t get warm while everyone stared at him silently Miss Tess writing things down in her little notebook. Why couldn’t mum see how cruel that was? How cruel it was to just make him say that to a stranger.

“Thank you,” she said before she turned her body slightly looking at me, “William, right?”

I nodded my head feeling my mouth go dry. So, I was supposed to just tell her. Tell her everything? Admit to Uncle Ben. To everything else too? 

“Did your Da do the same things to you?” she asked me.

I nodded my head, “My uncle too. I don’t…huh,” I sighed.

“Ok, this is the one with the kit, right?” Miss Tess asked mum.

“Aye,” Mum said.

Kit? What kit? I didn’t have a kit. I looked at mum who gave me a small smile.

Miss Tess started asking Matt questions next. I tuned out when I heard him say Da loved him. Cared about him and he started explaining things to her like Da had taught him. That Da did it because he loved him and didn’t do it to hurt him. That Da didn’t hurt but Uncle Ben did and made him do bad things. Touch Mike and that Mike sometimes didn’t want to but he had to do it anyway or Uncle Ben would hurt him. I felt nervous. Not knowing what they meant by kit.

At the time I had no idea that they meant a forensic assault kit. A rape kit. Later that night mum explained it to me. That the day John had been acting Funny and Uncle Ben had acted like he was going to hurt Andrew and he had pushed mum, hurt mum. After all of that was said and done and Dr. Palmer had given me that shot they had taken the opportunity to do a rape kit.

I felt violated about that for a long time. They had done it because it’s important if you’re going to do one to get it done as soon as possible so the DNA is all fresh. It allows for better cataloging of injuries and what not but, the fact that they had just done it. That they hadn’t asked me or explained to me what they were going to do that made me feel even more violated. Being raped by someone you expect it from is one thing. Being …having swaps of cotton shoved in places when you’re not aware it’s happening by someone, two people you trust as much as you can trust anyone is very different. Almost as bad as having your Da be the one to tell people it’s ok, that they’re allowed to use you like that. That it doesn’t matter what you want. That you’re his to do with as he pleases.

That was something I didn’t understand about Matt. Da did that to him. Maybe only once at that point but Da had basically said “you’re my property. You’re going to do what I tell you to because you’re mine. I own you.” And Matt didn’t see that as a problem. He saw it as love. I felt love was respect for the person and their boundaries not for you to tell them to jump and just expect them to do it.

I didn’t really tune back in until I heard James little voice sounding panicked and fearful, crying as he talked about it. What had happened to him.

“Da did it and the…the bad man,” James muttered before he started sobbing.

“James, can you tell me who the bad man is?” Miss Tess asked to which he shook his head started to sob harder John going over and pulling James into his lap.

James was just as scared of him as I was. I felt like it was something only James and I could understand. What he was like, what Lionel was like. How when he got mad his went calm. His eyes went cold and he had this tone to his voice that…that felt like it could shatter bone. Break apart of every piece of what you were.

I sighed my head feeling weird. I didn’t want to see my brothers break down or hear Catty talk about how Da had hurt her too. How he had done horrible things to her that she probably hadn’t even told us because we were her brothers. We were boys so it was different. It seemed different. I tried to break that presumption in them as best I could. That because she was a girl it was different but, society constantly told us that. That because we had different parts we were to be treated differently. Taught to behave differently, looked at differently.

To me it didn’t seem fair. We were all his victims, their victims. That should have been the thing that mattered most but even then, I could tell that wouldn’t be the case. She would be treated differently because she was a girl where we were not. When Miss Tess was done questioning us mum told us to buckle in because we were going “home”

“Home? James asked.

“Yes love, we’re going to take John and Matt to their special place where they’ll be staying for a little bit and then we’ll go home,” she said hugging him before she got up and hugged John whispering something in his ear causing him to smile and nod his head.

I have no idea what she said but he helped get everyone settled back into their seats as mum talked to miss Tess outside and then she climbed into the driver’s seat and off we went. Mum followed Miss Tessa’s car and the closer we got we realized how big the building was we were going to. It was a huge building made of huge gray cinder blocks. The moment we got there someone met us at the front door talking to mum who came back into the van with two men who were wearing scrubs. They were big men too.

I felt scared looking at them as they opened the door walking into our RV causing me and everyone else around me to tense our bodies going stiff as we looked at them wondering what they were doing. Why they needed to be here.

“Johnathan and Matthew, could you please come with us?” John started shivering.

“Mum, I…,” he said.

“I’m right here love,” Mum called from behind them, “Gents if you don’t mind he’ll come without a fuss. I told him what was going on and he knows why he’s here. He won’t fight you and he’s a gentleman so if you could…”

“Yes ma’am, go on then,” the guys said parting to let John through to mum.

“And Matthew?” they asked turning back to mum.

“Mummy why does he have to go?” Mike asked quietly.

“Because he needs help love. We’ll only be four minutes away right down the road and we’ll come visit. This isn’t forever just for now love,” Mum said to which Matt hugged Mike.

“I’m not going,” he said shaking his head.

“Matthew, this is what’s best it’s agreed.”

“I’m NOT GOING!! I STAY WITH MIKEY!” Matt bellowed loudly as the men grabbed him Mike holding on and crying.

I think it was more he feared what it would like without Matt than he didn’t want him to go. There had never been apart for more than the couple hours they were away at school. It had been that way since birth. They had never spent a night away from one another the guy giving Mike a sympathetic look as he unhook his arms from around Mike and held him talking to him quietly as Matt screamed and shrieked and kicked out as the other guy pulled him away and out of the RV while Mike cried.

Mike didn’t fight. Didn’t fight to get to Matt but he cried for him. For how angry he was and probably feeling how scared he was but once he was out of the car and in the building the guy said something to me. My brain feeling too numb to really process it even though I nodded my head pretty sure he was telling me to stay, to wait in the RV for mum as he shut the door leaving us all sitting there Mike sniffling quietly.

“It’ll be ok Mikey,” I said to him.

“NO! IT WON’T THEY DON’T KNOW HIM. They don’t know how to deal with him, Willy. I do. I keep him safe. He’ll be so mad! He’s so mad.”

“Hey,” I said getting on my knees in front of him, “Hey, they’re adults ok? They can deal with him. I have a feeling these people do this all the time. Take care of people who are special like Matty.”

“No, he needs me. They don’t know him he needs me. He needs me to make him be normal Willy. You don’t understand they’ll hate him and think he’s bad. He’s not bad Willy he’s not. He just… Daddy it…Daddy made his head funny. He’s not bad though I swear he’s not always bad!” Mike rambled before he started crying.

“It’s ok Mike. Everything will be ok. You’ll see,” I said hugging him, “Everything will be ok. Who knows maybe when he’s allowed back home with us he won’t be so mean anymore.”

I was hopeful of that. That maybe the people at that place would make him better. Make him more like he had been before. Before Da had taken him and destroyed him. Before he had taken him and ripped him apart so badly he had become bitter and warped. Cold and almost believing that what Da was doing was just fine. I figured that’s why mum was making him go to that place. Mum coming back to the RV with miss Tess her eyes wet.

She hadn’t wanted to leave them there but apparently, she believed that was the best thing for them. I knew John had problems that his drinking was a problem but I didn’t know that people like Matty who were sick in other ways would go to the same place as someone like John who drank so he didn’t have to think about things. At the time I hadn’t realized the water bottle John had with him, that mum had been giving him had been full of alcohol but looking back it had of have been.

Alcohol withdrawal can kill you. It will induce seizures. Sometimes it causes people to stop breathing. It’s a painful process and depending on how long and how heavily you’ve been addicted sometimes there isn’t any hope. They say often you survive it once it’s hard and to survive it twice is a miracle. But that three times, surviving alcohol withdrawal three times is nearly impossible. Mum came into the RV through the main door checking on each of us.

“Mummy what is that place?” Cat asked mum, “Are they coming home soon?”

 

“Well, that place is somewhere where they’ll get better because their brains are sick. Because we can’t help them at home so that place is going to help them. We’ll be able to visit our new home is only a couple minutes away. That place has a school and that’s where all of you will be going to school for a while as well because they’ll help you deal with what Da did you. Get past all the anger you feel and…everything you’re thinking. Give you people to talk to that you can tell things you don’t want to tell me and help us talk about things as a family. Help us trust each other again.”

“I trust you mummy,” Cat said, “Why wouldn’t we trust you?”

“She’s just scared of what…happened. That we’re going to have a hard time not fearing people,” I told Cat who went silent.

It was true. We were all scared of people especially us boys. Pete had been the only man, adult man I had encountered since moving back to the US that didn’t seem to want to…touch me like that. Sexually. I feared him at first. Less so than John and being in that car had still made me uneasy. I knew it would take a lot for me to trust most men again. That they scared me in a way I couldn’t explain.

“If we’re going to school there when are we starting?” Mike asked.

“Monday,” Mum answered, “After we get settled in. We’re about to go home. It’s a little smaller then we’re used to but, I feel like we’ll do fine there. Ok, my loves?”

“Ok,” Cat said as mum kissed each of us on the head and then sat down driving us down the road and then turning right.

It was a Caravan park. These caravans didn’t move though. We pulled in front of one with a huge floor length front window. It was brown but it wasn’t the ugliest thing I had ever seen Miss Tess knocking on the door of the RV.

“Danielle, this is Bob and Carmen your neighbors. We helped Carmen out and now she helps volunteer they wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood,” Miss Tess said as she started unbuckling Mac and handing mum the keys.

“I have him,” I said trying to grab him.

“Will nonsense let Tess help love. She’s not going to hurt him,” Mum told me.

I understood mum reprimanding me for it but, she was a stranger. That was my little brother. Sure, Wanda had helped but mum had been right there I had known Pete before even if not well but he was respectful. Anytime they fussed he put them right down. I didn’t trust this Tess woman asking us those questions. Asking me those questions. I didn’t like her and I didn’t trust her.

“Hello Bob, I’m Danielle would you care to help me with the carriers?” Mum asked him and handed him Seamus and Mary.

“MUM!” I said loudly shaking my head.

How did I know he wasn’t just going to take off down the street with them? They were only little. They were nearing five months. If he got away with them, took them they would never remember us. Remember John or me. He couldn’t have my babies.

“Love,” Mum said unbuckling Andy, “Not now we’re down four hands. We need help. I want to move us fast that way we can have proper food. We have a lot to do before school on Monday. So please take Andy’s hand and let him get the carriers.”

“You know what mum? Hand him the keys and I’ll have him walk us to the door,” Bob said taking Mary’s carrier in his right hand and Seamus’ in his left, “There’s nothing wrong with being concerned for their safety he doesn’t know me. Mitch was like that when I first met him. There’s nothing wrong with caring for their wellbeing so son, why don’t you walk me in?”

Mum sighed looking at me like she was annoyed but handed the keys over, “Go on then. I’ll get Andy and Laura love.”

I stepped out him following behind me and smiling at me encouragingly as we walked up the porch steps and I used the key to open the house. The carpet was nearly the same color as the outside of the house but it looked new. There was already future inside. Almost like someone was just giving us things. It was a big sectional sofa that was black with a rocking chair next to it and decent sized TV. I looked at the kitchen and there were three highchairs and round table with five chairs around it. There was even a stove and fridge. A microwave.

He set the carriers on the floor in front of the couch, “I’m going to go and start grabbing bags. I guess you get to have a look around. Let us know if we did well all right man?” he said giving me a small smile before backing out of the house and walking away.

I picked up Mary because she started fussing and headed down the hallway. The first door on the right was a bathroom and it didn’t seem very big at all but big enough for one or two people to fit into anyway and the next room had bunk beds and two cribs. It wasn’t a huge room but it was a decent size. The room on the left was a room with four bunk beds and then there was a room at the end of the hall that had another bathroom inside it much like my room at home and had two more cribs in it and a queen-sized bed. I figured that was probably mum’s room and now that Mary had settled and she didn’t feel wet I put her down in one of the cribs that was fitted with a simple yellow sheet. Nothing seemed super fancy the walls of the one room being blue and the walls of the other room with the bunk bed and two cribs being green while the rest of the house seemed to be some type of yellow.

It seemed inviting enough. Each bunk bed fitted with a mattress and simple white sheets and pillows cases with a comforter. Most of the comforters seemed to be blue, green or red with one that was purple however they looked comfortable me going back out to grab Seamus and finding little people coming into the house.

“Mummy said my bed would be easy to find because mine is purple,” Cat said holding James’s hand.

“Where is my bed?” James asked.

“Well Mummy said we’re sharing a room with Andy and Laura so I think we’ll find a crib in our room or two because they are only little they can’t sleep in a real bed yet,” Cat said as Mum walked in behind Andy and Laura.

“Mum?” I asked her, “Are we sharing rooms?”

“Yes love, this house isn’t big enough for everyone to have their own room and we can’t afford it anymore. A house that big so we’ll have to make do. Even I’m sharing a room.”

“Yeah, I just put Mary down,” I said, “In a crib but we’re missing one.”

“huh, No. Seamus and Mary are so wee still they can share for now. As everyone gets bigger we’ll move around who knows maybe we’ll eventually move to a bigger house in a couple of years so Laura and Cat don’t have to share with James and Andy as they start to become young ladies,” Mum said smiling.

“I’m a young lady now,” Cat said which caused mum to smile.

“Well yes love, but as you get older,” Mum said, “You’re going to be sharing a room with John and Matt and Mike. I don’t expect that to be a problem.”

“No mummy,” I said nodding my head.

I honestly had no problem sharing a room with John. Who wasn’t there at least at that moment and maybe for a little bit nor Mike. I had shared a room with John before and I vaguely remembered being in the same room as Mike and Matt together at one point but, Matt didn’t seem to like me and as much as I loved him he wasn’t my favorite person. My fingers still crossed that when he did return maybe he would be a little more like he had once been.

The one thing I did notice though was that there were little to no toys. However, I figured that was something that mum was going to deal with. I had noticed one toy box in the living room but that was it. I mean I didn’t need toys. I hadn’t felt a need for toys in a long time but the little ones needed toys it kept them entertained. If they didn’t have toys they wanted to leave the house all the time. Andy getting out of his seat several times on the drive there and trying to open the RV door which caused mum to scold him. He was getting more independent every day it seemed like. Him and Laura both. Even though if they couldn’t see each other they did fuss but at their age that had been normal with even Mike and Matt so to me it wasn’t surprising. I just hope they didn’t true out as weird as Mike and Matt had become.

“Mum do you know how long John and Matt are going to be sleeping at that place?” I asked her.

“They aren’t sure yet love. They need to watch them and talk to them. We’re going to have someone come over here tomorrow to talk to you and Mike,” Mum said.

“But it’s Saturday shouldn’t we be getting settled in?” I asked her.

“We will be. We’ll be here. She’s just going to talk to you boys about somethings. Monday, I start my job.”

Job. Mum had never worked. I knew she hadn’t and when would she find the time. Who would watch the babies? That’s when my brain went oh. I would watch the babies. But wasn’t I supposed to be going to school? What then?

“I’ll be working nights love. Three nights a week we’re going to have Carmen pop in and make sure everyone is fed and taken care of. That way you don’t have anything to worry about especially with John gone. Bob might pop in with her from time to time but don’t mind that. Ok?”

“He should be careful,” I said quietly, “At night I mean. James and Mike get scared at night.”

“I know love. I’ve talked to some people and they’re not wanting to be alone and the bed wetting. Those are things that are apparently common for children their age. Cat wet’s the bed too,” Mum said lowering her voice, “Don’t tell her I told you but it’s something to help Carmen keep an eye on since I won’t be here most nights for a bit.”

I nodded my head. So, I had three of my younger siblings wetting the bed and probably suffering from night terrors. Which I knew was something John also had not that John was around at the time. All of the sudden I felt overwhelmed. We were on our own. Mum and me.

I mean she had just said that Carmen and Bob were going to be there to help but, it was mostly us. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I was only certain of one thing as mum started making dinner that night. That I wasn’t going to be raped that night and Da wasn’t going to drag us away. That Lionel wasn’t going to come.

That he wasn’t going to take me away. The realization hitting me that he’d know. That he’d know I wasn’t… “Shit.” I muttered.

“William!” Mum said from where she was in the kitchen, “There’s no need to swear love.”

“Sorry,” I sighed.

So, this was where things got hard. This was where things started going downhill that night. When I realized that I was in trouble. That he was going to be beyond pissed. It had taken us almost four days to get there. Us leaving early Tuesday morning and arriving there around Friday at 4 pm. A couple stops here and there for bathroom and sleeping so that mum could get rest and feed the babies. It was really incredible if you thought about it. Mum driving over 2000 miles on her own with 11 children. Five of which were still in car seats.

She was that desperate to save us. Driving us to people she didn’t know to get us away from Da and his friends. To get us somewhere we wouldn’t have to worry and giving up everything she knew, everything she was used to and taking us somewhere where we didn’t know anyone. Taking us somewhere she didn’t know if we would be safe and trusting strangers to help her. Help us. She had even given John and Matt away to even more people she didn’t know. That she probably didn’t want to trust in order to help them.

I felt sick to my stomach thinking that they had started searching for us already. That when I wasn’t there he had probably started searching for me or the moment mum didn’t answer the phone. That he would find us.

“Willy, what’s wrong?” James asked me causing me to jump.

I had been so lost in my head I hadn’t…my whole body was shaking. He was going to come for us and it would be my fault. All my fault because I wasn’t there. Because mum hadn’t answered the phone because we hadn’t been there. Because we had been leaving.

“Love, Will, what’s wrong?” she asked me.

I didn’t realize it but at the time when I asked mum later, I kept mumbling “I can’t it’s all my fault. It’s all my fault.”

“Will love,” Mum said going to hug me causing me to pull away.

It was all my fault she shouldn’t touch me. I didn’t deserve her. I didn’t deserve her because it was my fault she was going to be killed. Because it was my fault we were all going to be killed.

“Love, what’s wrong? Love tell me what’s wrong?” she said.

“Mummy he’s scaring me,” James said.

“It’s ok love. Why don’t you and Catty take Lar and Andy to your room ok? Mike love can you bring me the phone?” Mum asked him her voice sounding fearful, “Will love it’s going to be ok I’m right here. Mummy’s right here and it’s going to be ok.”

She called someone. I didn’t hear what she said on the phone but there was a knock on the door. I felt like she was making a fuss. I remember telling her to stop that I was fine but, I was later told that wasn’t right. That I had gone completely still my eyes open wide in fear like I was seeing something that wasn’t there. Me screaming for a few minutes until I went silent.

I remember though telling them it wasn’t a big deal, that I was fine. That everything was ok Bob coming over and Carmen and then mum helping me get into a car. Us returning to that building. The building where we had dropped John and Matt off.

I remember them asking me stupid questions. Asking me how I felt. What I was thinking about. But I remember my brain feeling off, fuzzy.

“William? That’s your name, right? Can you tell me what day it is again?” Some woman asked me.

“It’s that day it’s…Friday,” I remember mumbling.

“That day? What does that mean?” She asked me.

I looked around my brain starting to feel less locked up, calmer, “Where’s my mum?”

“She’s in another room. She’s still here, do you prefer Will? Your brothers were calling you Will earlier,” she told me.

“Who are you?” I asked her.

“I’m Miss Liz,” she said, “I do admitting. Can you tell mean what that day means? Take your time.”

I shook my head. It was his day. That’s what I meant by that day I was supposed to be with him and he was going to be pissed I wasn’t there I knew he would be pissed. That he would start looking for us. That he would tell Da.

“He’ll kill her. He’ll be so mad he’ll kill her,” I said shaking my head.

“Will, your mum told me some of the stuff that has been going on. That you just left all of that. Can you tell me who he is? Is he your Dad?”

I shook my head. If I told her she’d tell mum. And he’d…

“Ok, do you know anything about hospitals and therapy?” she asked me.

I really didn’t at the time. I had never seen a therapist. I had never seen a psychiatric doctor. I didn’t know anything about it. Not at all.

“Ok, there is something called privacy and confidentiality laws. That means if you tell me something as long as you aren’t in danger I can’t tell your mom ok? So, if you want to tell me who he is. I can’t tell your mum unless he can get to you. So, you can tell me. Who is he?” Miss Liz asked me smiling even though her eyes seemed sad, almost scared.

I shook my head. If I told anyone he would kill them. I was convinced of it. I was convinced he would kill anyone I told.

“Ok, can you tell me where he is even if you can’t tell me his name?” She asked me.

“Florida,” I said quietly.

“And, where are you? Do you know where you are Will?” she asked me.

“Montana,” I said.

“Do you know how far away Montana is from Florida?” she asked me.

“A long way,” I said.

“That’s right. Does he know you’re here? Do you have reason to believe he knows where you are logically? Your mum said you left in the middle of the night and that no one was home. So, do you have reason to believe he knows that you’re in Montana and that he’s coming to get you?”

“He’ll want me back,” I said quietly.

“Ok, but does he know where you are? Do you believe he knows where you are?” she asked me.

I almost didn’t understand. Did he know where I was? I was sure he didn’t but that didn’t mean he wasn’t looking for us, that he wasn’t going to find us. I was sure he would eventually find us even if he couldn’t get to us at that very second.

“Will, do you think he knows that you’re sitting here with me talking?” she asked me quietly.

I sighed shaking my head. He was looking for me though I knew he was looking for me. The moment mum didn’t answer the phone when he called to ask for me he had started looking.

“Ok, can you tell me why you’re afraid of him?”

“He’s going to hurt someone,” I said sure that was the truth. Sure, that was what was probably happening because I hadn’t been there. Because he couldn’t… because he couldn’t do things to me.

“Why do you believe he’s going to hurt someone? Who do you think he’s hurting?” she asked me.

Now for some reason I thought that was a retarded question. He hurt people. Everyone told me he hurt people. Teddy, Cole. Everyone that knew him. Even Dr. Palmer had said that’s what he did. I felt like this woman was the doziest person I had ever met in my life.

“Because that’s what he does. Cole even told me when he can’t get what he wants he kills people. That he’s bad. That he’ll do bad things to other people because I’m not doing what he wants. That it’ll be my fault,” I mumbled.

“Someone told you that if this guy hurts someone it will be your fault?” she asked me frowning.

“No, but it will be,” I said, “I know it will be because if he wasn’t mad at me he wouldn’t hurt anyone.”

“Will are you going to hurt this person? Are you going to be the punching them or hitting them or whatever else you think this guy is going to do to someone because he’s mad? Are you holding a gun on this man and demanding he hurt that person otherwise you’re going to kill him or the world is ending?” she asked me.

I sighed thinking about it. No, I wasn’t. I wasn’t hitting the kid he was going to hurt. I wasn’t shoving my fingers in their body or other parts of me. I wasn’t there forcing someone else to, “No.” I said shaking my head.

“Then is it your fault? You’re not making this person hurt someone else. You aren’t responsible for their actions. Do you understand that? How that connects? It makes no sense for you to be responsible for this man whoever he is wherever he is at to be able to blame you for him hurting someone else.” She told me, “So is it possible that maybe it’s not your fault at all? Maybe he’s just a bad man who enjoys hurting people. Is that possible?”

I nodded my head. It felt weird. Thinking about it that way. Not letting my feelings of guilt cloud my judgment. That logically I wasn’t responsible but it felt…slightly better thinking about it that way, thinking that he was just hurting someone because he wanted to. That it had nothing to do with me or what I had done or where I was. That it was him making a choice to hurt someone because he was a bad man. A bad man. That’s what James called him. 

“Is something funny?” Miss Liz asked me quietly.

I shrugged my shoulders, “That’s what my little brother calls him. The bad man.”

“And he’s a bad man because he likes hurting people, right?” she asked me.

“He hurts me,” I agreed nodding my head.

“But he’s not your Dad?” she asked and I nodded my head, “Will dear, I know this is hard but your mom and a lot of people are really worried about you. If you could try to talk in order to make me understand better it would really help. So, could you please try to speak?”

“He tells me to speak,” I said looking up from my lap for the first time that I could remember, “He says he likes the way I sound.”

“And he hurts you?” she asked me to which I nodded my head, “How does he hurt you?”

“He rapes me,” I answered, “He…”

“Rapes you how Will?” she asked me, “Do you know what rape is?”

“Of course, I know what rape is,” I said my tone probably a little harsh because she balked at me taking her glasses off.

“Sorry, can you describe it for me though? I know this is hard but I need you to be as descriptive as you can. That way we understand what’s happened to you and what’s going on in your head. That way we can help you ok?”

“How do you know it’s going on in my head?” I asked her.

To me, it seemed crazy that they would know. That they would know that I saw it all the time. Every time I closed my eyes or…every time I thought about him. Every time I thought about anything that…sex. Every time I thought about sex remembering that. Even just kissing most of the time. It seemed crazy that someone could know that. Know that when I thought about those things I saw him and it made my face feel hot and it made it hard to breathe.

“Well, people you have been through some of the things I’m sure you’ve been through they say they can see it happening. Sometimes even feel and smell it happening when it’s not. It’s called PTSD. It’s very scary and it can feel like a panic attack. It makes your brain feel fuzzy like something is wrong sometimes but you can’t quite put your finger on what. Is that how you felt earlier? Before you got here?” she asked me and I nodded my head.

“I didn’t…I realized he’s looking for me, for us and I … it’s Friday, it’s his day if I’m not there…,” I started crying.

“Ok, if you’re not there you think he’s going to hurt someone right? But we just talked about this. You’re not making him hurt anyone. He’s making a choice to hurt someone because he’s angry and that choice has nothing to do with you. You aren’t holding a gun to him and forcing him to hurt someone he’s choosing to do it,” she reminded me, “He’s choosing to hurt them of his own free will that doesn’t make it your fault that makes it his. Can you say that for me? Repeat that to me?”

“I’m not forcing him to he’s choosing to do it so it’s not my fault it’s his,” I repeated.

“Good,” she said, “That’s very good Will. That’s right it’s his fault it’s not yours. What do you mean by it’s his day?”

“Every other Friday is his day he…I spent it with him,” I answered.

“Does your mom know this?” she asked me.

“She doesn’t know that he’s bad. She doesn’t know and I don’t know why,” I said.

Miss Liz sighed sitting back in her seat starting to relax, “If he’s smart and I’m sure he is. I’m sure he’s a very smart man because usually bad men like that are. He’s very good at hiding how bad he is. She probably just sees him as a nice guy. And your mum has a lot of kids she takes care of. She isn’t going to know he’s bad if you don’t tell her. Because you know that funny feeling in your stomach? Adults don’t always listen to that and sometimes they don’t feel it. So, she just might not know because you haven’t told her. Ok?”

“I can’t tell her. He’ll kill her,” I said shaking my head.

“Did he tell you that?” she asked me.

“No Dr. Palmer did. He said he makes meddling mums disappear. That he makes them go away or worse. We need her. I need her and I can’t…he’ll kill if I tell her.”

“Ok, but he can’t kill you now. Florida is very far away from Montana remember? He can’t get here right away and I’m sure if he does find out where you are that there will be someone to warn you and your mom so you can get someone to make sure you’re safe,” she said.

“Ok,” I said.

It was hard to accept but I wanted to believe it. Founder it easier to believe after calming down. Which was something I was starting to do. She was right he couldn’t teleport from Florida, he had no way of knowing where we were and while he did have a lot of money mum said these people would help us. Help us so that it would be hard for him and Da to find us and I wanted to believe that. To have faith in that.

“Do you believe you’re probably safe?” she asked me quietly.

“Yes, I think I am for now,” I answered.

“Ok, do you want to hurt yourself?” she asked me.

“No. I don’t want to hurt myself,” I answered, “I feel really tired right now though.”

“Well, that’s good. Do you want to hurt anyone else?” She asked me.

“No,” I said shaking my head, “Why would I want to hurt anyone else?”

“Well, there are many different reasons. Sometimes when people get confused they could want to hurt someone to protect them. Or because they are angry. There are many possible reasons why someone might want to hurt another person,” Miss Liz said, “So you just feel tired? You don’t want to hurt anyone and you don’t feel like you’re going to hurt yourself?”

“Right,” I said, “So you’re saying my mum doesn’t know he’s bad because I haven’t told her and people like that are good at hiding how bad they are?”

“Yes, they can be,” Miss Liz told me.

“You know that he raped me?” I questioned.

“You told me that but, I had been briefed about it yes,” Miss Liz said, “You and most of your siblings have been exposed to sexual abuse. That your Dad and Uncle are a part of a group that abuses children.”

“Oh,” I said, “Is it normal?”

“Is what normal?” she asked me.

“For people to do that to a boy?” I asked her.

“I wouldn’t call it normal no but, it’s not unheard of. It does happen. They say that around 1 in 10 boys has experienced some unwanted sexual contact before the age of 18. They think it’s more but because boys and men underreport. So, it’s hard to tell. Is there a reason why you’re asking?”

“Just this boy. That we met he said that it’s mostly girls,” I said, “I didn’t say that we had been. Not to him but, he made it sound like it was mostly girls that it happens to.”

“Well, think of it this way. Most of the human population is female. Our societies tend to place a great amount of importance on being male. Many women in many societies are treated worse so does it make sense that it would appear to happen more often to females?” she asked me to which I nodded my head.

“So, we’re not weird?” I asked her.

“No, I don’t think there is anything weird about you. You’ve had a very long week. You’ve driven very far away and you’re in a new place. Anxiety isn’t going to be unexpected. Your brothers are with us and you’re going to start school here on Monday. So, I would expect that coupled with apparently something you’ve been keeping from your mom maybe everyone could cause the type of panic attack you just had, however, you seem to be doing ok now. You said you just feel tired?”

“Yeah, kind of hungry too,” I admitted.

“Ok, well I’ll go get your mom,” she said, “I don’t see any need to admit you if you’re aware and talking. Since you don’t want to hurt yourself or anyone else.”

I nodded my head and she left the room mum coming in and hugging me before she sat down on the couch next to me. I sighed. I still wasn’t completely sure what had happened but, I felt better. Safer. Lionel wasn’t coming to get me. He wasn’t going to kill me and whoever he did hurt was not my fault. I felt safer knowing that and I believed it. At least at that moment.

“We’re not going to keep him because he’s not suicidal and he doesn’t want to hurt anyone I think it was just a panic attack caused by anxiety and exhaustion. He seems aware of where he is even if he’s experiencing a bit of fear but that’s not to be unexpected. Considering the traumatic life you’ve been living and how nerve-wracking that escape probably was. So, mom, I suggest you take him home and we’ll have Julie meet with him first thing Monday morning,” Miss Liz said.

“Ok. If you think he’s going to be all right,” Mum said.

“Yes, he appears like it was just a panic attack maybe a flashback. Just give him love and assurance and you’ll be fine until Monday. You can visit the other two tomorrow but remember only four visitors at a time and I don’t suggest you bring the little ones.”

“Any reason why?” Mum asked.

“Well after talking this afternoon with one of them, they expressed some ideas that were concerning. He seems to believe that and this is why we think he’s been coached or is experiencing a bit of Stockholm he said that he wants to and I quote “express his love” for his younger brothers and when asked what that meant it was rather…we have very strong worries that he could harm them.”

“Matty,” I sighed shaking my head.

“You know it’s Matthew?” Miss Liz asked me.

“I told mum about it. He was…The girls started screaming and so I went into the living room and he was holding Andy down like he was going to do that. I asked him what he thought he was doing and that he needed to stop and he said he wasn’t going to hurt him he just wanted to make him feel good. That’s something Da always says before he…does stuff,” I explained.

“You told your mom about this?” Miss Liz asked.

“Aye, he did. We’ve been doing our best not to leave him alone with the younger kids just to be safe. So, you think this is an idea he got from his father?” Mum asked.

“Yes, his dad seems to have him confused. He said his dad tells him the only person he should trust is him and that French kissing and sexual touching is the way you show someone you love them. However, he also expressed a lot of hostilities towards his older brothers. He called them some not so nice terms and said they were trying to take their fathers love away from him. Because apparently, your husband targets the oldest two more often. He also seems to think that Will has done something to make their uncle hurt his twin. Said that if Uncle Ben wasn’t so mad he wouldn’t make Mike cry.”

“Did he say what their uncle does to make him cry?” Mum asked.

“He pushes,” I said before feeling my face flush, “he pushes really hard. Harder than he has to I think.”

“That’s what Matt said that he cries when he uses his fingers because it feels like being stabbed and Mikey finds it painful,” Miss Liz agreed.

“Well I can understand why feeling like your underparts are being stabbed would be painful,” Mum said in agreement before she pulled me closer to her, under her arm.

She didn’t look at me. I think because she knew how embarrassed I was to talk about it. Admit that he did that to me. That he hurt. He didn’t have to and he didn’t always that was another difference between fucking and “making love” probably that I hadn’t really thought about. Fucking meant pain whereas making love for him meant we both got off. That my body enjoyed it as much as his. That there was minimal pain.

“So, you believe he’s a danger to his brothers?” mum asked Miss Liz.

“Yes,” she said, “He seems to be displaying and talking about a lot of very graphic interactions. He seems to believe that all Dad’s do that to their children. He was talking to one of the other patients and asked him if his Dad played with his button. One of the staff overheard the conversation and asked him what he meant and Matt said the button up his bum that made his body tickle.”

I felt my face get redder. Da had called it that before to me too. When he had first started using his fingers when I was little. I had to have been around six the first time he had ever done that instead of…just rubbing me and him.

“His…,” Miss Liz interrupt mum’s question.

“His Prostate yes,” Miss Liz said, “We’re going to be talking to his parents of course. We’re not sure how much he knows about…that. The other child I mean. He did seem rather curious about the whole thing so we’re going to have a family session with his family on Monday. I think that with Will maybe sometime later this coming week or the week after him and Matthew would probably benefit from a sibling session. To talk about somethings. Some of the hostility he displayed about what’s was going on with their Uncle if that’s ok with Will?”

I sighed. Did I want to sit in a room with Matt and talk about my uncle? Was that something that interested me in the slightest? I wasn’t too sure about it. I understood why Matt was worried about Mike and why he needed to talk about it even though we were now safe. However, I wasn’t sure how it would help him. I cleared my throat slightly as mum and Miss Liz stared at me expectantly waiting for my answer.

“How is that going to help anything? It’s not like I told Uncle Ben I…,” I felt my face getting red again and mum rubbed my shoulder encouragingly, “I did…” I sighed trying again.

“Love, I know you would never ask your uncle Ben for that kind of attention. I also know both you and John do everything you can to protect your siblings even though that’s not your job. I think what you’re trying to say is you never turned Uncle Ben down and told him to go meet those needs using someone else, aye?” Mum coaxed.

I nodded my head, “Aye,” I concurred quietly.

“I think that maybe Matthew needs to hear that from you. He seems to have particular disdain towards you and Johnathan. However, he seems to, you’re the easier case to work with and he is your brother. I believe that he does feel something for you besides upset where John he seems to feel only malicious towards. So, we figured we’d work on you first. We would have Mikey there too but he and Michael seem to have a very unhealthy attachment to one another which Danielle I think we will find time on Monday to speak about privately,” Miss Liz said to which mum nodded her head.

“Well, I do believe you are meeting with Mrs. Carter tomorrow for Rosalina so I suggest you go home and rest, take most of tomorrow and Sunday to be together. And Will I’ll see you Monday morning for school before you meet with Miss Julie,” Miss Liz said.

“Who is Miss Julie?” I asked her.

“She’s going to be therapist hopefully. I mean there is some flexibility in that like if you don’t feel comfortable with her for whatever reason. If you feel like you can’t open up to her. You’ll meet with her every day for about an hour. We usually give about one week and then check back in with the student to see how they feel about continuing therapy with that assigned worker and if they feel uncomfortable we offer them the ability to change. Does that sound ok to you? Will you be able to keep an open mind about miss Julie when you meet Monday?” Miss Liz asked me.

“I’ll try,” I answered, “I’ve never been to therapy before.”

“That’s what your mom said too,” Miss Liz said, “I look forward to seeing you Monday.” She said offering me her hand which I shook.

She also shook mum’s hand and whispered something to her before we got up going outside. The RV wasn’t there but it was a tiny four-door car of some kind. Me giving mum a funny look as I opened the door.

“It’s Bob and Carmen’s car. They let me borrow it. There isn’t any sense driving the RV around if I’m not moving 11 kids.” Mum said to me.

“Are you just going to drive the RV everywhere?” I asked mum.

“Well, no,” she said, “They said as long as they aren’t using their car I’m welcome to borrow it. John is 13 he can start drivers training in about two years even though I don’t expect us to be going many places besides downtown sometimes as a family. So, in two years we’ll be selling the RV I imagine and John and I will each have our own cars. Until then we’ll use it for family outings which won’t happen too often. When we go shopping and what not I’ll have to rotate who comes with me and who’s going to doctor’s appointments when all that stuff.”

“Oh,” I said quietly.

I mean we didn’t usually get out of the house that often. We were living in a four-story house with Da but we mostly stayed on the fourth floor to keep us away from Uncle Ben. When mum did need to take someone out for a Dr.’s appointment or something it was often during school hours that way not everyone needed to go. When Karen was around it was helpful and I figured that the way she had just called Bob and Carmen over when I had my panic attack that’s what they were there for. To be sort of like Karen only not.

We were in the car for maybe 8 minutes before we pulled back into the park where we now living. When mum had told us we’d be right up the street from John and Matt she had not been kidding.

When we got in I could hear Bob reading in a big booming voice, “I will not eat them in a house! I will not eat them with a mouse…!”

He was apparently reading James and Catty green eyes and ham for bed because his voice was coming from the cracked bedroom door a dim light shining out into the living room where Mike was curled up with Bobo and looked like he’d been crying.

“Mike love? What’s wrong?” Mum asked.

“He’s just scared,” Carmen answered as she turned off the kitchen light, “He told me he’s never been in the house with Matt before and he knows Matt’s mad and worried and so he’s upset.”

“Mike pal come here?” I said going up to him and hugging him, “Matt is going to be ok. Mum put him there so those people could help him.”

“Only I can help him,” Mike said.

“Mike, they’re going to help him not be so mean ok? That’s what people mean when they say help him. You know how he thinks. You know him better than anyone and you know he’s mean,” I told Mike.

Mike nodded his head, “He doesn’t mean to be though. He really doesn’t. He says sometimes he understands. About…,” Mike’s voice got soft as he looked at Carmen before he cupped his hand around my ear and whispered into it, “About Da. That he’s wrong. But, he wants Da to love him.”

To me, that explained a lot. That’s why he was so dead set on believing Da because he wanted Da to want him and not anyone else. That also explained why he had such great disdain for John and slightly less for me. It sounded like what Miss Liz had gathered from talking and observing him that she had been right. He was looking to please Da. To make Da love him and want him more. 

“Mike, Da doesn’t love anyone,” I said loudly causing him to look at me shocked.

“It’s ok love,” Mum assured him, “Carmen has an idea of what happened it’s ok to talk about it. We’re home. We’re safe.”

“We’re not supposed to talk about it in front of other people,” Mike said looking at mum.

“That was the old rule the new rule is if we’re at home or we’re with a safe adult at school you can talk about whatever you want as much as you like. You don’t need to whisper and you don’t need to hide it. Because if we stop keeping secrets that how we get better. Because Daddy did a lot of things to make us all not trust each other and not tell each other things and that’s very bad for our heads. I want you boys to feel safe and apart of feeling safe is being able to trust that we don’t keep secrets ok?” Mum said smiling at him.

“Won’t she tell other people?” Mike asked looking at Carmen.

“Remember how I told you that before Bob I had a bad husband who was mean to me?” Carmen asked Mike smiling and sitting down in the rocking chair.

“Yeah,” Mike said nodding his head.

“He was like your Dad. He wasn’t a nice man and Bob helped me and my son Mitch, Mitch is 14 by the way you’ll meet him tomorrow when you come over to our house for dinner, he helped us get away from my bad husband. I won’t tell anyone what you say when you’re at home if you’re comfortable enough to tell me things because I know how hard those things are to talk about. Even for adults. You understand Mike?”

He nodded his head, “I still wish Matty was here.”

“Matty’s getting better. I’m sure you’ll be able to see him at school on Monday,” I told Mike, “What are you watching?”

“Drew Carey,” Mike said, “I don’t see why people think it’s so funny. Or why that man likes wearing lady clothes.”

“Oh,” Carmen said her face going red, “I didn’t realize that he was…”

“It’s fine Carmen,” Mum said looking at Mike a smile on her face, “Some people are odd. Some men like wearing lady clothes but not most. Don’t worry about it love.”

“How do I know I don’t like wearing lady clothes?” Mike asked mum.

“Because we’re Catholic and Catholic boys don’t like doing that,” Mum answered him simply.

I knew I didn’t like wearing lady clothes because apparently, they liked walking around with wedgies which was something I wasn’t interested in doing again anytime soon but, I kept that to myself. I wasn’t ever sharing that with anyone. I could only imagine what mum and everyone would think of me if they knew that.

“Ok loves I know it’s a bit early but I think we should work on turning in for the night since everyone has eaten and it’s been a long week,” Mum said as Bob waved goodnight and him and Carmen left the house.

No one seemed to have any objections, especially because out of the four oldest two of us were missing. It felt weird to sleep in a real bed and not on a chair or sofa that pulled out into one at a rest stop in the middle of the night in the RV. It also felt weird not being cuddled up in a tight bundle with at least two of my brothers but to have a twin bed to myself. I remember struggling to sleep that night. Wondering what the next day would bring. Our first real day of freedom. Our first real day in our new home, in our new life.


	26. 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The family is away in Montana safe and sound or so they think. They get a visit from a woman telling them information. Drawing Danielle's attention to some things she didn't know before and making suggestions about how to best keep her family safe causing distress. Will and the family start to settle into their new life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 639 to 678. It's a long chapter and there is a lot of talk about what happened but nothing graphic happens. Mostly it's therapy sessions and life moving on a lot of inner reflection, **Warnings: mental health issues, bullying, puberty thoughts (wet dream mention because yeah, it happens), Therapy, anxiety, recovery, talk of child sexual abuse**

The next morning mum must have left me to sleep in because I didn’t wake up until noon to the sound of someone crying me opening my bedroom door to find Laura standing in the hallway with no bottoms before I heard mum sigh loudly.

“Lar Will is…. Hi, love I was trying to let you sleep just a bit longer before I woke you up. I was trying to get her to use the potty like a big girl,” Mum said picking her up.

“I’ve got her. Isn’t that lady coming anyway?” I asked mum.

“Aye, are you sure?” She asked me.

“Yeah I have to shower and we only have one bathroom now so at least we have a training toilet for her to use. She can sit on it while I use the bathroom,” I muttered before yawning.

“All right, you get it done. Can I give you Andy too? They both need to be bathed haven’t bathed them all week,” Mum said.

“Sure,” I said as I grabbed Laura and pulled her shirt up over her head and made her sit on the toilet mum letting Andy into the bathroom and few minutes after and shutting the door behind me.

People might think that’s odd but I didn’t feel there was anything wrong with it. I was 10 they were 2. I put them in the shower with me made sure they were washed and then set them free like naked little birds for the first time in my life not worried that my Da or Uncle was going to be walking around having perverse thoughts about them. It was the most relaxed I had felt about their safety while they were potentially nude ever. After I had myself and them dried and dressed. We sat down to watch some TV for a while them playing quietly in the living room by my feet for a while.

there was knock on the door which mum answered after sliding a meatloaf into the oven. She was probably around mum’s age with brown hair pulled up into a tight bun. She was wearing glasses and mum turned off the TV once she came in directing Andy and Laura and Mac over to the toy box to play with toys quietly as she told the four of us (Me, Mike, James and Cat) to sit down and listen to what Mrs. Carter had to say. She smiled nervously at first fiddling with her glasses before she began to speak.  
“Ok, I’m Mrs. Carter and I work for the Rosalina foundation. We help families like yours make new lives for themselves. What you do know about the brotherhood?”

Cat and James both frowned. I wasn’t sure they really understood what it was at all. James had barely been exposed to it and Cat, not at all. Andy and Laura were too young to understand any of it and so that left Mike and me. I didn’t want to talk about it. But Mrs. Carter looked at us and then at mum questioningly.

“They know nothing about it?” Mrs. Carter asked mum, “I thought you went over some…”

“It’s a group of people who hurt kids,” I answered quietly, “Our Da belongs to it.”

“Ok, good. Do you know anything else about them?” she asked me.

“They have a lot of people. Apparently, there are different groups within the group,” I answered.

“They have a castle where they take you and let people do bad things to you,” Mike answered.

“Da said the bad man was really important. That I had to be good because if I made him mad bad things would happen,” James said causing me to look at him.

That surprised me that he said that. Usually, the most he said about it was that the bad man had hurt him outside of him telling Pat and me what had happened. Or he said that he was afraid the bad man was going to get us if we weren’t together. Little things like that but I had never heard him say that he was important nor that Da had told him he had to do what he was told or else bad things would happen.

“Does the bad man have a name?” Mrs. Carter asked.

James went silent looking at his lap. He knew his name. I think he was just scared of the same thing I was. That he would somehow find us and hurt us. That he would kill mum or take her away where we would never see her again. All of those things. And while it terrified me to think those things the terror James must have felt being only six must have been beyond anything I could imagine.

“The leader,” I answered.

“That’s one name for him yes,” Mrs. Carter said, “He’s also called the Lord or…”

“Wait!” Mum said loudly, “Lord as in Lionel Lord? I find that hard to believe.”

“No, it’s true,” she said, “We’re working on helping the FBI build a case. Sadly, every time we think we have one he manages to evade.”

“Will, has he ever hurt you?” mum asked me.

“Danielle is there something you’re not telling me? Something I’m not aware of?” Mrs. Carter asked mum.

“Will, I think it was three weeks ago went to the office with Mr. Lord and his grandson. You told me these guys were good at getting you to trust them, to leave your children with them do you think he…?” Mum trailed off as Mrs. Carter looked at me smiling sadly.

“Will is there something you want to tell your mom?” she asked me.

I shook my head. I wasn’t talking about that. I wasn’t. They couldn’t know. She couldn’t know. No one could know. I felt my whole body shaking as both my brothers leaned into me.

“You didn’t tell anyone and either did I. That’s good, right? They know who the bad man is and we didn’t say anything so he won’t hurt anyone right?” he said this loud enough for everyone to hear.

“Love, James, that’s who the bad man is?” Mum asked him her face whiter than I had ever seen it her eyes looking wet, “The bad man is…Mr. Lord? Why didn’t you say anything? Will? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Danielle Mr. Lord is very important James is right. He probably threatened them not to say anything. He’s been known to be dangerous. From what I understand of the cult structure…”

“Cult?” Mum interrupted her, “What do you mean cult?”

“Well, a cult is defined by a group of people that can be relatively small or sometimes large that have a certain set of beliefs our practices that outsiders might consider strange, sinister or morally wrong. They all hold to these beliefs the members. This cult in its whole is called the Fathers for child love. It’s a group of mostly men but some woman. They believe it’s important to express your love towards your children through sexual acts. That that’s true or real love. They don’t differentiate between familial love and romantic love. 

There are three branches of the cult from our limited understanding of it. They also tend to believe in sharing their love. Allowing their friends to…express their love in a communal way. They also take kids that are considered unwanted or they deem at risk and they take them and integrate them into the cult. One of the branches does this almost exclusively with male children another with exclusively female and a third branch does it with both genders. The leader or Mr. Lord seems to oversee a large amount of moving kids that have been deemed at risk. He seems to have a say in the type of material that they release in the US.

“Materials? You mean what my oldest son talked about. The videotaping?” she asked Mrs. Carter who nodded her head.

“He’s been alone with my children. He’s been alone with Will on at least one occasion. Are you saying he molested my son?” Mum said her voice sounding curt, angry.

“I think that is something that you ne…”

“No, are you saying he molested my son? Are you telling me he molested my kids? That my husband invited this man into my home and allowed him to deceive me so he could molest my sons?” Mum asked Mrs. Carter again.

Mrs. Carter shot us a look like she was sorry. Like she didn’t want to say it because she knew it was true. Because she knew enough about him to know it was true before she answered, “The probability of that being the case is on a scale of 0 to 100 about a 110,” Mrs. Carter said quietly.

Mum gripped the arms of the rocking chair where she was sitting. Both James and Mike grabbing my arms and wrapping them tighter around themselves. They were both shaking. I didn’t think Lionel had done anything to Mike but that didn’t matter. He was scared because mum was upset. He was still young enough hell, I was still young my brain had trouble understanding that she wasn’t upset with us. That her anger was towards Da. Towards Da for allowing someone that would to that to us over to our house. For not telling her, for being an asshole and exposing us to that type of danger.

Like it wasn’t bad enough he was abusing us himself or that he was letting our uncle do it too but he had literally invited other people over, strangers, his boss who were like that to do the same things.

“So, you’re telling me that this man raped my sons?” Mum asked Mrs. Carter.

“Yes,” Mrs. Carter said, “I know this is a lot to take in Danielle but remember what we spoke about on the phone?”

“Yes, you’re right I’m sorry. Boys, I’m sorry. Mum is sorry, ok? I’m not mad at you. I’m just very upset that Da would let someone hurt you like that. Ok?” Mum told us.

“Why are we talking about him?” I finally asked.

I didn’t want to talk about him. I didn’t want mum knowing even though it was too late for Mrs. Carter to take it back, to not say it. It was too late for mum not to ask me if he had hurt me.

“Because,” Mrs. Carter said slowly, “And Danielle I don’t mean to alarm you here but, I suggest as soon as you can, you leave. This group has limited membership in South America and Africa. The only branches we have found in South America are in Mexico and Brazil. There has been talk. I can’t tell you how we know this but, there has been talk that Mr. Lord himself is looking for your family.”

My stomach sank. Vic had been right. I had been right. The moment he realized I was gone he started looking for me. Me making an involuntary squeak as I inhaled sharply.

“Willy it’s ok. He can’t hurt us because we’re together and we’re together always here. Mummy even said so, he won’t hurt us. We’re safe Willy, we’re safe.”

“Ok,” Mum said, “What do you suggest I do?”

“I suggest you allow your sons to finish their treatment here and then you leave the country. From what we understand he isn’t the leader of the whole thing but they have broken up their leadership into areas. Geographical areas. Three in the united states and three in Europe. Two in Asia and two in South America as well as 3 in the middle east and 2 for African nations. Apparently, this leadership group makes a lot of decisions. Basically, this is a group that moves children and uses them for sexual gratification and they are everywhere,” Mrs. Carter said.

“And why isn’t anyone doing anything about this? About what these people have done to my children? To apparently countless children?”

“It’s suspected not confirmed but suspected that there are some world leaders involved. That they don’t directly handle the illegal activities but that they sometimes participate and that makes law enforcement reluctant to intervene. There have been accounts of judges, lawyers, doctors, movies stars, people from all walks of life being involved in this cult. Most of them have substantial income. One of the royal princes from Saudi Arabia has even been connected to it and has acknowledged his participation in this cult. Our country has obtained snuff films with him participating with his face visible so he will not step foot on American soil because he would be tried and convicted of murder. I haven’t seen these videos but from what I understand they are very graphic in nature some showing boys as young as five…”

“With this one guy?” Mum asked to which Mrs. Carter nodded her head.

“Do you know how young they start to…,” 

“Each family is different but according to their beliefs as young as possible,” Mrs. Carter answered her.

“And they are looking for my family? For my kids?” Mum asked her.

“Rather aggressively yes, we’re not sure why but yes,” Mrs. Carter said, “I have your ID papers. You’re new ID papers. At Arcadia, both of your sons that are currently in residence are listed as JD’s and as you know we’re absorbing the cost. However, we cannot afford to move you more than we already have. We have provided discounted child care for the ones that are not in school. We are providing day camp free of charge for the summer months but, I thought it was imperative that you know you need to get together the funds to leave the country as soon as humanly possible. 

“Ok,” Mum said nodding her head and pursing her lips, “Ok you got me to the one job I’m sure can I find another. You’re covering the cost of this school for how long?” 

“The next year. We’re hoping it won’t take you that long to gather the funds but having enough funds to leave the country and successfully avoid these people is almost impossible. I believe in miracles and I believe you might be able to successfully do it. However, I do have another suggestion if that is not an option.”

“What is that?” Mum asked her.

“Split them up,” Mrs. Carter said.

“Come again?” Mum asked her.

“Your family is so big you’re hard to successfully hide. What we would do is draw up papers giving custody of two or three children to different couples. Couples that would hide them and basically adopt them. They would treat them as their own and be legally and financially responsible while we built a solid case against this cult and try our best to make some of the allegations stick so we can prosecute.”

“How long would this take ideally?” Mum asked.

I could tell it wasn’t something she wanted. It wasn’t something any of us wanted. I thought about what I knew about Charlie and Justin. I thought about the things Cole and Ted had told me. The things Mrs. Carter had just told us and mum. Even if they did manage to build a case the odds of all of them being found guilty were slim. The odds of us ever being safe to return home for good, for us to actually be together again if we were separated were highly unlikely and I could see mum coming to that conclusion in her head.

“Ideally years. We’re hoping for three to five to build one against Lionel Lord exclusively,” Mrs. Carter answered.

“What about the rest? Even if you got him wouldn’t these other people in the cult come after my family?” Mum asked.

“Yes,” Mrs. Carter said.

“And what then? If they’re everywhere what then? Do I just leave my children for strangers to raise?” Mum asked her.

“Ideally eventually you would be able to reestablish contact,” Mrs. Carter said, “But and I’m going to be frank with you here this is not an ideal situation by any means.”

“So, you’re telling me I could lose my children? That I would give up my children and never see them again? That they would probably never see each other again? How do I know the people you are planning on placing them with won’t do the same things? How do I know those people aren’t going to be involved in this…this cult if it’s so big?” Mum asked her.

“Well for us to properly hide them we would have to change their identities and then more or less lose them. We’ve done this before. There would be a contact that has a piece of information that knows a contact that knows another piece of information and so on for each child. The odds of the younger ones having a name change is probably about three or four times. The older one’s average about 10 and only they are aware of what their original names are.  
We do have women and men out there in their well, that are your age that no one knows their real identities and are supposed to come forward if they hear a code word on the news about a case against the Brotherhood. That’s how long we’ve been trying to get this cult. As a whole. Every once in a while, we’ll manage to take down a piece of it but they just pop back up. Back in the 60’s we took down a part of it in Germany. Before that back in the 40’s there was a branch that was taken down quietly during the second world war. Your children, all of your children they’re best chance of undoing and remaining mostly unscathed by this is to have your family split up. The younger ones would stay with you of…”

“No,” Mum said shaking her head her voice stern, “You basically just told me anyone could end up with my children. That they could possibly end up back in this cult if something goes wrong only without me and their siblings. No. I won’t do it. My kids are staying with me. I will do whatever I can to raise the funds to get us somewhere out of their reach but we’re going as a family. I don’t like this questioning you need to get out of my house.”

“Ok,” Mrs. Carter said standing up, “Be aware that this is the last you’ll hear of us then. At least this bit of us. Even though I do have a question that maybe your oldest son can answer.”

“You’ll ask me because John’s not here, what is it?” Mum snapped.

Mum was obviously not happy with this woman. That she had come into our home and told us these people would do whatever they could to find us. That they were everywhere. She had probably made mum feel beyond not safe and I was pretty sure she had terrified my brothers more than they already were. I supposed this woman was not the sharpest tool in the shed even if her intentions had been good. She had told my mum something I wasn’t supposed to say to anyone that I didn’t want anyone to know and had pointed a very sharp very well-manicured finger in it in front of my brothers and my mum.

If my mum’s life hadn’t been in danger before it was now. Because if she ever saw him she would know what he had done. She would know who he was and that he had probably done things to me. To James who admitted loudly that it was good that mum knew who the bad man was now that way we didn’t have to tell her so it wouldn’t be our fault so maybe she would be ok. She had threatened my brothers with having them taken away from my mum. Having me taken away from them, us from each other. None of that was anywhere close to ok with me.

“Would he happen to know why they are so avidly looking for your family?” Mrs. Carter asked.

“My husband is very wealthy. Maybe Mr. Lord doesn’t want to lose the ability to acquire those funds. My husband does have attachments to all of my children but especially my oldest.”

“I don’t think that’s it. And I will tell you why. He’s has other investors that are just as wealthy as your husband believe it or not and their families have run. He has never called a search for them that is this extensive, this fast after their disappearance. So, there is something else going on here. We don’t know that much about their inner workings however the emails you provided helped. We now have a list of names to look at in Florida and we’re grateful for that but, I have a feeling there is something else going on here. We do have a contact that has told me some stuff that I am slightly concerned about.” Mrs. Carter said.

“What would that be?” Mum asked her.

“Mr. Lord has a type that he’s attracted to. They almost consider it another sexual orientation people with this belief. His preference is usually Young, quiet, usually fair skinned and haired. I was wondering if ….”

“How young?” Mum asked her.

I could see the wheels turning in mum’s head. Her trying to figure out which of us it was. Mike and Matt might have been blond and fair skinned but neither one of them was what one would consider quiet. James and I on the other hand. Mum even said he was like a younger version of me. That he was most like me out of all my siblings. I wondered how much this woman knew. If she knew about the contracts. How it was basically like being assigned a relationship that you didn’t want to be a part of. That you had no choice in.

“Our contact said anything before full puberty,” Mrs. Carter said before mum made a sound in the back of her throat and turned to look at us.

“James?” mum asked.

“Yes mummy?” she asked her quietly.

“Has Mr. Lord spent a lot of time with you?” she asked him, “Did he…”

James bursts into tears hugging me, “We’re safe right Willy? We didn’t tell so we’re safe, right? He won’t …the bad man won’t…” he mumbled barely understandable. He was beyond terrified. 

I couldn’t let mum look at him like that anymore her making it worse as she looked at him her eyes cold. The whole situation making her angry but not at us. However, it was enough to scare him. Enough to scare him that I felt the cushion feeling wet underneath me.

Mike jumping up and frowning at the couch under us before he realized what it was sighing, “Jay mummy’s not mad at you ok? Why don’t you come with me? We’ll take care of it ok? Don’t worry mummy’s not mad.”

It was then that mum started crying as Mike tried to get James detached from me as he shrieked and screamed and mumbled incoherently. He was having a breakdown. He kept asking me if mum would be ok because we hadn’t said anything. If we were safe because we were together. He was that afraid of Lionel that he had wet himself on the couch while clinging to me because he was scared. We were over 2000 miles away from Lionel and he was that scared of him. Just like I was.

I was frozen. I wanted to tell him it was ok but I couldn’t I couldn’t move. Me thinking of him just bursting in there or someone else and taking us away. Us never seeing each other again and him doing horrible things. The things that Cole described him doing to that other boy and to Justin. Things that he had probably done to lots of boys.

Mum must have said something to Mrs. Carter because she stepped outside mum coming over and hugging us pulling James into her lap on the floor as he shrieked the babies staring at us from the corner where they had been playing me noticing Catherine hugging them and letting her hold them as she cried silently as well.

“Mummy is sorry. That woman isn’t allowed to come back here. Ok? Ok, my loves. We’re not going anywhere. We’re staying together and we’re going to be ok. We’re going to be safe. The bad man can’t hurt you anymore wee one. I swear to you he can’t hurt you anymore. He’s not going to be hurting anyone. Ok? It’s going to be ok. We’re going to be ok.” Mum said her voice shaking with fear. I’m not sure how long mum hugged him but eventually, he stopped screaming mum telling Mike to help him clean himself up before mum turned to me, “Will love you haven’t moved are you ok?”

I hadn’t realized I was still sitting in wee I was so shocked and so scared. I knew this was my fault. That I had been right the night before when I had my panic attack that had caused mum to drive me to the school or whatever that place was called. He was looking for me. That if I would have just stayed maybe I would have given my family more time. That I should have just stayed with Da. That I would never have a normal life and my family would never be safe if he was looking for me.

“You need to let me go to someone else,” I said.

“No love we’re stay…”

“He’s looking for me mum,” I barely managed, “He’s …he’s looking for me. He wan wants me.”

“Oh love,” Mum said, “Shhhh…shh…we’re not going to let him find us. Ok? Not ever, we’re staying together. I’m not going to give you to anyone. You’re staying with us because we love you. I promise you we’re going to be safe and we’re staying together. Do you want to change your pants? I think I’m going to call Carmen and have her come take the babies over with the meatloaf since we’re eating over at her house. Why don’t you go change while I clean up the couch?”

“What about…Mrs. Carter?” I asked her.

“Mrs. Carter can wait until you’re ready to talk to her,” Mum said, “I personally wouldn’t contact that cow ever again if I had a choice. Suggesting I send you away. All of you. No way in bloody hell is that ever happening.”

“Are you mad at me?” I asked her, her eyes going wide in surprise, “Because I didn’t…I…he and then I…”

“Shhh…love calm down. I’m not mad at you all. Not even close all right? Calm…just breathe you’re ok. I’m not mad at anyone but that bloody woman that just came in here and scared the daylights out of all of you. She told me she wanted to talk to you. She didn’t say she wanted to question you or threaten you. I never want to see that woman again. She is not welcome here. I want you to get cleaned up and I’ll take care of the couch ok love?”

I nodded my head feeling numb. Feeling slow and stupid. Not as bad as the night before but still feeling off. So, mum knew now. She knew about him now. She knew and neither one of us had died. He hadn’t busted through the door or anyone else. She hadn’t burst into flame, or me. Other than tears and having wee on my butt that wasn’t my own we were both ok. My brothers and sisters other than the tears and upset that dozy cow had caused were ok. I felt ok almost relieved as I went into the bedroom and changed my bottoms so I was no longer covered in wee because that woman had scared the life out of my little brother.

Because someone just asking him about Lionel had been enough to scare him that badly. I never wanted to see that woman again. That was my baby she didn’t deserve, she had no right to make him that afraid. No one did and I was beyond furious with her probably similar to how my mum felt. Me cleaning myself up and then knocking on the bathroom door to check on James and Mike who was helping James out of the shower.

“Are you ok bud?” I asked James, “Pal?”

“Yeah, we’re ok,” Mike said nodding his head, “He just got scared. He doesn’t like to talk about it. You know that.”

“I know. I don’t like talking about it either. Are you sure that’s all that’s going on?” I asked them.

Mike looked at me before he sighed shaking his head. Whatever it was he seemed reluctant to share me looking at him before I hugged him, “I didn’t like her either it’s ok.”

“No, it’s not that…it’s,” he sighed, “I had trouble sleeping last night Matt was so angry.”

“A weird twin thing?” I asked him to which he nodded his head.

“Well, maybe if you sleep in my bed with me you’ll be able to ignore him. Would that make you feel better you think?” I asked him.

“I don’t know. I just wish I knew why he was so mad. I’m not mad he’s not with me just…scared I think. Only a little though. I mean it’s not like I think Uncle Ben is going to come and get me I mean I know he’s not but I…,” he sighed trailing off.

I understood. That was his twin. That was someone that was always with him. He was worried about him. Worried about if something bad was happening to him or if he was ok. Probably worried that he was being mean to someone because Mike was all the sweet and caring that Matt couldn’t manage for whatever reason.

“I understand ok,” I said to which Mike nodded his head.

We all got ready as Bob and Carmen came over grabbing the food and the babies as we walked across the street to their house where the rest of the food was waiting mum talking quietly with Carmen as Mike and I each carried a pan of meatloaf and bob carried Mary and Seamus while mum grabbed Mac who heavily protested at such treatment because he felt he was more than capable for crossing the street on his own two legs thank you very much and Carmen held Andy and Laura’s hands. I can’t remember who opened the door but I heard a heavy sigh before Carmen spoke who was the adult in front of me at the time.

“I thought Beau was on his way home?” Carmen asked.

“Come on mom we’re almost done. The movie has like five minutes. seriously,” I heard someone mutter.

There were two boys sitting on the couch that must have been John’s age. One had Carmen’s eyes and dark curly hair while the other’s hair was straight and only a shade or two darker than mine cut close to his head like a military haircut. However, they were both a lot taller than I was and both had brown eyes. Me using my skills of deduction to guess which one was Carmen and Bob’s son Mitch.

“Oh hum, hey,” The one said looking at Mike and I as we came in the door, “We’re just finishing a movie. I’m Mitch and this is Beau. He’ll be going home soon.”

“He’s your friend?” Mike asked, “I don’t have friends.”

“Yes, you do. I can be your friend. I mean I’m not that awesome and I’m actually like super boring because I’m into boring big kid stuff but, I can be your friend if you like,” Mitch told Mike.

“Will you play basketball with me if you’re my friend?” Mike asked him.

Mitch looked longingly at the TV before he looked at Beau who nodded his head in agreement, “Ok,” he said turning off his movie.

“15 minutes and then Dinner is ready,” Carmen said, “So don’t be too long.”

“Yeah, mum it’s just the driveway. We’ll be back very soon,” Mitch said as Beau and Mitch both got up getting their shoes and coats on.

“Are you coming to?” Beau asked me.

Those were the first words he ever spoke to me. My brain feeling less confused and still long enough to process the question that was being asked. Was I going outside with them to play basketball or was I going to stay inside with the six and four-year-old and the babies while the adults talked about my traumatic life experiences probably in front of me? Outside. Outside was by far the better option even if it was only for 15 minutes.

“I’m coming,” I said quietly.

Beau’s eyes lit up in surprise me not understanding why until he laughed a little bit, “Dude, what’s up with your voice? You sound like those people on TV.”

“He spent a lot of time at boarding school in London. You’ve never heard an accent before have ya?” Mum asked him.

“You have it too. So, it’s because you’re like English? Like the people on Coronation Street?” Beau asked.

“You’ve seen that? They air that here?” Mum asked him.

“Yeah, my sister watches it. She’s weird but, she likes it,” Beau answered, “See you.”

He abruptly opened the door and held it for me so I too could step outside into the cold February weather. Now I had grown up in London for the most part. I knew what snow was, I had experienced snow just not for the past year or so. However, Montana had a decent amount of snow even if the drive was clear enough to play basketball. It was 30 degrees outside so it wasn’t really what I considered cold but more cool but once we were outside if you weren’t moving you were cold. However, Mike loved it. Beau proclaiming that I was on his Team as Mitch claimed Mike.

“Come on man you have to be nice,” Mitch chided, “he’s just a kid B.”

“A kid that’s going to wipe the floor with me and very easily would be if he were taller,” Beau said, “I don’t have to be nice…I’m already losing my shirt.”

“Wouldn’t you have to lose your coat first?” Mike asked him.

Beau shrugged his shoulders pausing as he thought about it for a second, “It does make sense but it’s just an expression. It’s too cold to lose my coat let alone my shirt.”

“Yeah, your nipples would probably fall off in this weather,” Mitch agreed.

“Hey! No thinking about my nipples man that’s like…no,” Beau said shaking his head.

And of course, that made me think about his nipples. Me giving up on life completely as I felt the heat radiating from my face. Closing my eyes and shaking my head.

“Is he ok?” I heard Mitch mutter before, “What’s his name?”

“His name is Will he’s just shy. Whenever you tell him not to think about something I think he thinks about it. It’s not his fault though,” Mike told them which caused Mitch to break out into a barking laugh.

“My nipples aren’t that great I swear,” Beau said like it was no big deal.

Oh my god. I was done not sure what to say as someone shouted out the door that the food was ready. Saving me from standing there with my beet red face as everyone else played basketball around me.

“See you later B,” Mitch called as Beau turned and started walking away Mitch giving me a weird, “It’s ok you know, that right? We were joking.”

I nodded my head. Yes, I knew they were joking but they were joking about nipples. Beau’s nipples, Beau was very attractive. He probably had nice… “I realize,” I managed to mumble.

“It’s ok to think Beau’s cute. I’m not going to think you’re gay or anything. I wish I looked like him you know how many girls ask him out? At least two every week man. I would love to be him,” Mitch muttered.

“What? You think I’m… gay?” I asked my face feeling even hotter as I took off my coat and hung it on the coat rack near their door.

“No, Mitch doesn’t think you’re gay. Mitch probably is forgetting that you’re 10 and that you shouldn’t even know what that means,” Carmen said giving Mitch and tight smile.

“Matt’s gay,” Mike said causing everyone to look at him, “What? He is.”

“Don’t be silly love. You’re 8 and so is Matt there is no way you can know that he’s gay,” Mum said shaking her head.

“But he is. He likes wieners. I think they’re gross but Matty told me he likes them. Da and Uncle Ben said that’s what makes someone gay is they like putting wieners in their mouth and he told…”

Mum cleared her throat, “I’m sorry. As you know we’ve had some…”

“Don’t worry about it. Boys will be boys after all,” Bob said chuckling a little bit, “It’s slightly strange but your life has been anything but normal. Boys, if you will there are things you shouldn’t talk about at the dinner table and wieners is one of those things. So, if you could find another topic to yap about that would be…a lot better.”

“Well, we weren’t at first. Will asked if Mitch thought he was gay and Carmen said we shouldn’t know what that even means. I was just saying that we do. I know some people think it’s wrong but there’s a lot wrong with Matty anyway,” Mike said as he sat down at the table.

“Who told you things were wrong with Matty love?” Mum asked frowning.

“I just know. That’s why he’s at the special boarding school down the street and he must stay overnight. I know that’s why because he’s got stuff wrong with him and the people are supposed to help him fix it. When he’s fixed he can come home,” Mike said before he looked at Carmen, “Did you make the mac and cheese? I love mac and cheese. It looks really good can I have some please?”

“Of course, Mike,” Carmen said smiling at him.

That was the first weekly dinner with Carmen and Bob. They were actually a big help while we were in Montana. Not a lot happened that night from what I can remember. Me finding it easier to sleep than I had the night before other than a dream about rowboat and…Beau.

At the time I didn’t know it but Beau was important. In so many ways. Like I still had a major crush on Cole but Beau. Beau was hot. He wasn’t thin like Cole was but not really stocky either more Athletically built. I could tell by his arms when he had been inside Bob and Carmen’s house before he had put his coat on. I had dreams of well, I’m sure you can guess what those dreams probably entailed. Those strong arms wrapped around me hugging me as we laughed. As we kissed. Those arms ducking me underwater in a pool we no longer had. They were good dreams. Pleasant dreams.

When I woke up it was Sunday and there wasn’t much that happened that day either. We didn’t even go to church, however, mum did go off for a couple hours to see John and Matt. When she got home she told us how they seemed to be doing. Mike pestering mum for all the details of how Matt was fairing without him and after a lazy day of watching TV and playing with the little ones we once again went to sleep.

That Monday was different mum starting to load everyone up into the RV as Beau was walking down the street and Mitch came out starting to preheat his car for their drive to school. Him sighing as he saw mum before going inside Beau looking at me standing there waiting for mum to get everyone finished before he came over.

“Billy, right?” he asked me.

“Will,” I answered.

“Short for William?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I answered.

“You don’t look like Will to me. Will is stuck up. You’re Billy. You seem easy going,” he told me smiling.

“I think that’s the first time anyone has ever accused me of being easy going,” I said laughing a little bit.

“Nah, I see it in your eyes. You’re nice, just quiet,” he said and something about his smile. It seemed different.

Now usually if people looked at me a certain way I got nervous. But something about his eyes made his smile different from theirs. I knew what it was and it kind of scared me but it also made my stomach flutter. Like how Cole looked at me sometimes and then he’d blink and it’d be gone.

“Huh, thanks,” I said my face heating up and Carmen came out of their house and her robe and slippers.

“Danielle, what are you doing?” she asked as mum poked her head out of the van.

“Taking the boys to school,” Mum said, “I don’t have anyone to keep an eye out for the wee ones so I have to take them too.”

“Nonsense,” Carmen said, “I don’t work today I’ll watch them. You unbuckle those poor babies and I’ll stay. It’s a quick drive. I’ll make us some coffee while you’re out and when you get back we can gossip and talk about whatever you like.”

“Are you sure?” Mum asked her.

“Really it’s no trouble. You know Bobby and I love these kids. Morning Beau, aren’t you supposed to be heading to school yourself?”

“Yeah, I was just talking to Billy here,” Beau answered her.

At that mum raised an eyebrow at me causing my face to feel warm and me to shrug my shoulders. I didn’t know where it came from but I wasn’t about to complain.

“Ok, well Mitch is waiting for you I reckon so you should get on,” Carmen said smiling at him.

“Huh yeah,” Beau said before clearing his throat, “I’ll see you later Billy.”

“Huh yeah, see you,” I said sheepishly.

Mum handed Carmen a carrier with Mary in it before she turned to Carmen, “Do we have to worry about…?”

“Beau, Nah he’s harmless,” Carmen said, “I think he just sees how shy he is. He’ll probably take a liking to the older one more. We don’t have many kids around here. They tend to hang out in groups. I’m sure he’ll eventually meet Hoyt as well and Joanne. They call her Joey. She’s a sweet girl only. She and Heather are always around.”

“How old is Mitch again?” Mum asked Carmen.

“16. Him and Beau are 16 been attached at the hip since they were three or four. Been doing everything together since the day they met. The Joey is 14 and Heather is 13. Hoyt is 15. They’re some of the older kids around here and there aren’t many of them. They’re used to hanging out with younger kids especially during the summer. He don’t mean nothing by it, just trying to be friendly,” Carmen said.

“You’re sure that’s it?”

Carmen laughed lightly, “I swear it. Here we don’t look kindly on that sort of thing. He isn’t going to hurt’em.”

“Ok,” Mum said nodding her head.

It felt weird. Mum questioning if some guy was a threat to me. To us, our family. I mean we all knew we had issues but I doubted a 16-year-old from Montana was going to hurt me. Even if he was muscular.

I think mum was more asking because she knew. About me. I mean she had walked in on me making out with a boy that was 3 years older than I was. I had a feeling she knew it was more than just curiosity. That she knew it was because I was…maybe into it.  
It wasn’t something I think she liked thinking about but, I felt she knew and was doing her best to accept it. So maybe that’s why she was questioning it? Not only because I had been abused but because she was afraid there was something more than being friendly going on there and I was only 10 almost 11.

“Ok well let’s take these two back in the house and then we’ll be heading back out,” Mum said as her and Carmen walked away Carmen’s voice fading as I climbed into the van.

I sat down next to Mike and James with Cat in the back behind us, “That’s the boy we played Basketball with, right? With their son, Mitch.”

“Yeah Mike, that’s him,” I answered.

“He thinks you’re pretty,” Mike said causing my face to burn even brighter.

“You don’t know that. People aren’t like that around here. This is Montana. You know how at school they say that’s a sin? They’re like that here too so don’t even. And he’s like old,” I said.

“Not as old as Uncle Ben and Uncle Ben thinks you’re really pretty,” Mike said.

“Mike don’t…” I trailed off my stomach starting to hurt. I didn’t want to talk about Uncle Ben.

“Yeah Mike you should be nice,” Catty said quietly, “That’s like making fun of me because Daddy calls me pretty. It’s not nice.”

“Sorry,” Mike said, “Just he told me so. You know? That he thinks you’re pretty.”

“Uncle Ben?” I asked him and he nodded his head.

Matt had said Uncle Ben had told him things but apparently, he had told Mike things too. Those things. I hated that he had told them those things. I didn’t want to know about them and I didn’t want anyone else to know about them. It wasn’t fair. That he would tell them that stuff. Knowing him he probably went into detail not just saying that he thought I was pretty but telling them why or specific things about what made me “pretty”. I didn’t want to think about it.

“Ok, is everyone ready?” Mum said as she got into the van in the driver’s seat.

“Yeah, I’m ready,” Mike said as James nodded his head and smiled.

“I’m as ready as I’m going to be,” I said.

“Aye that’s right you’re meeting with Miss Liz and Miss Julie first thing, aren’t you?” Mum asked me and I nodded my head.

“Because of your panic attack on Friday?” James asked me to which I nodded my head and hugged him, “Was it bad?”

“I don’t know, it feels fuzzy to think about it,” I answered.

I had started to become less anxious. Not having to worry about Uncle Ben and who he might be hurting or Da and what he was doing to John. Not having to worry about whether Matt was hurting anyone because Matt was somewhere he had people watching him all the time so he couldn’t hurt anyone. I still felt super tired and had napped a lot that weekend but looking back and considering how exhausting anxiety is and how it makes you feel it wasn’t surprising that I was wanting to sleep so much. That I was so exhausted.

When we got to school there were kids going into the building them stopping us in this big hallway area. It wasn’t as big as St. Matt’s but it was a decent size. I got a feeling that it wasn’t a normal school. The hallways having posters on it with happy little phrases and smiling faces every couple of feet. Some of them having serene landscapes on them as well.

“Ok, now I’m Miss Janet. For those of you who don’t know me of course. I teach classes for those from four to ages eight. You’ll be meeting your caseworkers later but for right now we’re starting with Math,” Miss Janet said.

“Am I going to go to school with Matty?” Mike asked.

“I’m sorry who is Matty and who are you?” Miss Janet asked looking at the clipboard in her hands.

“I’m Mike McGregor. My brother is Matty McGregor he’s staying overnight,” Mike answered actually sounding really mature and adult.

“I’m sorry Mike but, inpatient children have different teachers than partial. So, you won’t be seeing him until gym time which we share together,” she said, “McGregor, I actually have a lot of those on my roster. Are you all related?”

“I don’t know,” Mike said shrugging his shoulders, “I’m eight.”

“Ok well I have Catherine, James, and Michael,” she answered.

“Then yeah, that’s Catty and that’s Jay,” he said pointing at them.

“Well it’s nice to meet you three, if you could come with me, Tabby don’t pull on Catty’s hair you know the rules hands to ourselves,” she said as everyone lined up and started following her to a set of double doors sliding a card next to the door and opening it as she continued to talk.

Miss Liz appeared from a single door near the other side of the hall, “Will? Come this way you and mom.”

I went with her and she brought us into a small room it didn’t look like an office to me but more like a sitting room. It had a nice couch up against a wall that had a wide window along with a rolling office chair and a desk. Mum sat patting the couch beside her where I sat down.

“Ok, so how did this weekend go?” Miss Liz asked pulling a notebook open with a pen in her hand as she looked at us.

“I think it went well,” Mum said, “What do you think Will?”

“Ok I guess,” I answered.

“Any more feelings of anxiety? Any more fear of Da or other people finding you and hurting you?” she asked me.

“A little maybe. On Saturday that lady came over and I didn’t like her,” I answered honestly.

“The lady from Rosalina? Mrs. Carter?” Miss Liz asked and I nodded my head.

“She said somethings about…something I wasn’t personally aware of and that the leader is looking for us. The leader of the cult we left in that area. She made it sound like that’s not something they usually do and that it was a rather fast move on their part. She made it sound like this man has very intense interest in my sons.” Mum said.

“Intense interest how?” Miss Liz asked.

“Apparently in this group they share children. In this cult. Now my oldest told me about that briefly but, apparently, they do it to kids from a young age. Now, this leader I didn’t know I knew him. But it turns out I do. I’ve let him be alone with my kids because I thought he was a good person and it turns out he’s just very good at hiding what he is. I’ve especially left him alone with…with Will.”

Miss Liz looked at me a flicker of understanding crossing her face, “So you know this man’s name then?” Miss Liz asked looking at my mum.

“His name is Lionel, Lionel Lord,” Mum answered, “I had no idea that he was…one. I’m beyond upset that I didn’t see it. How could I leave any of my kids alone with him? Any of them. How could I not…”

“Will is that who he is? The he we talked about last time? The one who you said would hurt mum if she knew?” Miss Liz asked me suddenly.

I felt my body shaking. Just talking about it, hearing them talk about it scaring me. I couldn’t say it. He’d kill her if he ever found out she knew. He would and I knew he would. I shook my head.

“Are you sure?” Miss Liz asked me.

“Will love, why didn’t you say anything? Were you really afraid he was going to hurt me?” mum asked me quietly.

She didn’t even seem angry about it. Her voice soft, calm. Even though her eyes were filled with worry. I loved her and I needed her. Didn’t it make sense that I would be afraid of her getting hurt? I’d seen Uncle Ben hurt her and I’d seen the after effects of Da hurting her. And they were related to her. They had a reason to like her, to keep her around. Lionel had no such notions about her existence. He didn’t care if she was around especially if her being around interfered with his plans.

I sighed, “Dr. Palmer told me he might. That he makes mums disappear if they get in the way. I didn’t want you disappearing. He tells everyone not to talk about him. Not even a little. No one is supposed to know mum. No one.”

“So, it’s Lionel? He hurt you?” Mum asked me quietly.

I nodded my head. I didn’t want to talk about it. Not with her.

“Mrs. McGregor, you and your older son had both told me a bit of what’s going on,” Miss Liz said, “these guys are very good at hiding who they are and what they do. It doesn’t surprise me that you wouldn’t pick up on it. Especially if this man is older. Have you ever heard of grooming?”

“Like brushing your hair?” Mum asked and Miss Liz shook her head.

“It means getting people to trust them, the child. It’s not just about the child though. It’s about the parents too. Showing the parent’s, they can be trusted, that they’re good people. Earning their confidence so they can be alone with the child. So, they can use them. That’s how many of them get away with it for so long. Because they aren’t necessarily violent or perverted in public. It’s only when they’re alone with a child that they’re perversions come out. Sometimes you’ll notice that they seem to want to sit close to children but they’re very careful about how they touch one.”

“His shoulder,” Mum said suddenly, “At Christmas he… he touched your shoulder when he handed you the envelope with your Christmas money. You remember that love?”

I nodded my head. The money with the note. The note that said he wanted to get to know me. That he hoped we’d be close. How he wanted me to tell him I was his. How he wanted to be with me. How he wanted me to be his and then he had signed the contract with Da. Making me his. His toy, his…

“Oh love, it’s ok,” Mum said hugging me.

I hadn’t even realized I had started crying. Me thinking about how dangerous it was not just for me but for them. How dangerous it was that I was his. That I would never be mine. That I would probably never have the right to decide what happened to me or my body. That I’d just be trapped in it letting him do whatever he wanted because I didn’t have a choice. Because he wouldn’t let me have a choice.

“It’s ok Will. You have done nothing wrong,” Miss Liz said, “I think I’m going to go get miss Julie and we’re going to set up a family appointment with you and your mom for after school. How does that sound?”

I nodded my head. I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk about any of that stuff anymore. I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk about him. Not anymore. Now that mum knew there wasn’t any reason to talk about it in my opinion. She knew what had happened. That he had raped me. Sure, she didn’t know details but in my opinion, no one needed to know the details. Not even me. If I could have just forgotten them I would have. The swimming pool, the ride to the zoo, all of it. I just wanted to forget all of it.

I wanted to forget Da and his late nights sneaking into my bed to touch me and tell me he loved me. I wanted to forget Uncle Ben. His anger, him shoving his tongue hard into my mouth as he told me I was perfect. That I was like Da only not. And I wanted to forget Lionel. The way he moved. The way he licked at my skin slowly making me shiver, making my body jerk as he…I wanted to forget all of it. Every single second of that life.

I wanted to start my new life. To leave them all of that behind. But even then, I had a feeling it wouldn’t be that easy. I hoped it would be but something told me it wouldn’t be. Mum and Miss Liz both got up leaving me sitting on the couch with the door open before another lady came in.

I was expecting Miss Julie to be old but instead, she was young. A lot younger than I would have expected her hair probably shoulder length and black. She smiled at me holding out her hand, “Hi I’m miss Julie. And you’re Will?”

I nodded my head taking her hand and shaking it.

“Well good, do you mind if I sit here in this chair? I know this is probably making you a little nervous. All of these new people and new things. A new house too. How do you like the house?” she asked me.

I didn’t understand why she was being so casual. I thought they wanted me to talk about things and that’s why I was seeing a therapist. I felt weird.

“You have a question Will?” she asked me sitting down in the rolling chair.

“Why do you want to know if I like the new house?”

“Because it’s a big change for you I’m sure. It’s a new place, all of this is new. I want you to feel comfortable. And I know there’s a lot that’s happened but, I’m sure you would rather take your time with that and I think it’s important that we follow your lead. If there’s anything you want to share with me I’m sure you’ll share when you’re ready. So, I think we should start with the present. Your mom said you seem to have a lot of anxiety about a lot of things and moving is a big change. So, I figured that would be a good place to start talking. Is that ok?” Miss Julie asked me.

I sighed relaxing a little bit. So, she wasn’t going to ask me about any of that. She was going to let me pick what I talked about. She wanted to know how I was feeling and not about…all of that. It seemed nice. Seemed a lot better than everything else that was happening. How everyone else when I sat down with them wanted to talk about that stuff, focus on that stuff.

“The new house is small,” I answered.

“Really?” she asked me.

“Yeah, the house in Florida was bigger. I mean home wasn’t that big but it had six bedrooms. This house only has three and one bathroom. So, it’s smaller but I think it’s still nice. It’s good, being close.”

“Close in what way?” she asked me.

“Well, I share a bedroom with Mike and Matt and John. I mean John and Matt aren’t there but it’s nice. It means I can keep an eye on them. I don’t have to worry so much. There aren’t a lot of toys around though so I’m afraid the babies will get bored,” I answered her.

“Why don’t you tell me about them, your siblings. What are they like?” she asked me.

“Well John is my older brother and he’s awesome. Other than the drinking but he’s working on that here I think. He used to be a lot more fun when we were wee. Like we used to play outside all the time. At boarding school, we used to play chess and checkers. He could have played with Liam his friend there but he usually chose to play with me. It was fun,” I answered.

“You know John drinks?” she asked me.

“Yeah, it’s hard sometimes. All the stress and everything so he drinks and it helps him not worry so much. It makes him more tired though I think. So, he doesn’t do as much with the rest of us as he used to. I mean he’s still awesome but sometimes it kind of sucks. Just because he doesn’t spend that much time with me anymore. We used to hang out all the time but before we left he mostly just wanted to be with Patrick. I mean Cole came over sometimes and Cole usually wanted me to around but mostly he just spent time by himself or with Pat,” I told her.

“Do you think drinking helps him? “Miss Liz asked me.

“I don’t think so. All he does is sleep but I think it makes it easier to not think about some stuff.” I answered.

“You mean stuff about your Da?” she asked me to which I nodded my head.

“I don’t blame him. I don’t like thinking about it either. It just makes you feel bad. Wish you were someone else. I think it lets him forget. What our family is like. That and Pat,” I said.

“Who is Pat?” Miss Julie asked me.

“His boyfriend,” I mumbled, “Pat’s nice. Like he’s really nice but, I miss John sometimes. I mean Pat’s no longer around so, maybe he’ll start hanging out with me more and everyone else but I think it’s going to be hard.”

“What?” Miss Julie asked.

“Him not having Pat. I think he really loves Pat. That Pat helps him. Helps him feel more normal.”

“How old is John?” she asked me.

“13,” I said.

“Do you think that’s a little young to have a boyfriend?” Miss Julie asked me.

I snorted. The idea that it was too young was laughable. I mean we’d been having sex since we were eight. Doing other things way before that. Just because you had a boyfriend didn’t mean you were having sex with them. It didn’t mean you were doing any more than kissing. I mean I knew they were doing more than kissing but, Pat was good for John. He helped him in so many ways. Ways that I wasn’t sure I completely understood.

“That’s a funny question?” she asked me.

“You don’t have to do those things with your boyfriend you know? You can just hold hands and stuff. It doesn’t have to be like that,” I said.

“What do you mean by like that? You don’t have to be embarrassed about all those things. Ok? I mean if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine whatever you’re comfortable with but, I think it’s important for clarity that we call things what they are ok?”  
“Sex,” I said, “You don’t have to have sex with your boyfriend if you don’t want to. If you’re not having sex being 13 isn’t too young to have a boyfriend.”

“Do you think John is having sex or was having sex with Patrick?” Julie asked me.

I felt my face turning red. I didn’t want to think about John having sex with anyone. I’d seen it and it wasn’t…it was weird. It was super weird. To think about him doing that with someone anyone it was…I shook my head feeling how hot my face was.

“Are you sure?” she asked me.

“He told me they hadn’t. That they hadn’t had real sex,” I answered.

“What’s the difference between real sex and fake sex?” she asked me.

“Well I’m not sure there is such a thing as fake sex but, Da made John do some stuff with cameras around. Made him and Pat do some stuff in front of one and that’s…that’s not real because he was making them. John said real sex is different, Cole and Pat said it’s different too. From what they do.”

“Who are they?” she asked me.

“The brotherhood, my…my Da and his friends,” I answered, “Can we talk about something else?”

“Yes, of course,” Miss Julie said, “Why don’t you tell me about more of your siblings? You do have a lot of them from what I understand.”

“Matt’s my next brother he was born after me. Him and Mike they’re twins but Matt is different. There’s something wrong with him. Like him and Mike call it him being Batman. When he gets dark and angry. Sometimes he does bad things. Like Mike found a bunny once and he wanted to keep it as a pet and Matt killed it. He didn’t explain why but he crushed it to death in front of Mike and made him cry. He’s mad at me a lot. He says things are my fault. But Mike is nice. Mike is really nice. He tries really hard to keep Matt from being mean to people and I think sometimes that means bad stuff happens to Mike but he doesn’t let on. I think Matt hurts Mike more than Mike lets on.”

“You think Matt is hurting Mike?” she asked me.

“I saw them kissing once. He grabbed Mike’s head really hard and twisted his neck around and then kissed him like…like he shouldn’t. Mike got upset that I saw. He says if he’s not with Matt that he’ll hurt someone, Matt will. But when he’s with Matt he can make sure Matt doesn’t hurt anyone else. That Matt doesn’t mean to be like that but that he just is and it’s like Mike thinks it’s his job to make sure Matt is nice to everyone. That he’s Bruce. That’s what they call it, being Bruce.”

“You saw them kissing? What do you mean kissing like he shouldn’t? Do you mean French kissing?” Miss Julie asked me and I nodded my head, “That had to be scary.”

“Mike made a face like it hurt, having his neck bend back like that and then he got mad. Because I saw. Because Matt did it in front of me,” I said.

“Did he seem upset about it happening or just upset that you saw it?” she asked me.

“Maybe a little of both I think,” I answered, “He seemed really embarrassed about it. About me seeing. I don’t think he wanted to but, maybe he felt like he had to. I was listening to Miss Liz talk to mum on Friday and she said that Matt was talking about wanting to…do things to our littler brothers. We have four brothers that are younger than they are. James, Andrew, Mac, and Shay. They’re just little. James is six and Andrew is 2 Mac is one and Shay is almost 5 months old. And yet he wants to…do that to them. He told one of the therapists or something. That’s why he’s staying here.”

“Does that scare you? That he might want to do that?” Miss Julie asked me.

“It’s not normal. Of course, it scares me. It makes me wonder what Da did to him to make him believe that it’s ok. That it’s ok to…to do that. It’s not ok. I could never do that to anyone. Not ever. I can’t…his head is sick. I mean I know Da says a lot of things but even I don’t believe them. I don’t remember ever believing them.”

“What does your Dad say? Can you give me an example?” she asked me.

“That tongue kissing, French kissing is how you kiss someone when you really love them. That when you love someone you touch them…you know down there. That there’s nothing wrong with it because it means they love you. That’s not what it means though. It’s not. He always hurts. All of them, they always…”

“Hurts when they do what?” she asked me.

I had started talking about it again me shutting down the moment I realized that’s why she was trying to make me comfortable because she wanted me to talk about it. She just didn’t want to force me to talk about it. She wanted it to flow naturally. For me to feel more relaxed.

“When they do things to you,” I answered, “Sex things.”

“Ok, can I say something? After I say this if you want to talk about something else we can but, I want to say this ok?” she said to which I nodded my head, “Sex is when two people who care about each other decide to share themselves with each other physically and emotionally. What your Dad and his friends do is called rape. That’s when they take it. When you tell them no and they do it anyway. That’s not sex ok? That’s rape.”

I nodded my head, “I know. It’s just…rape hurts and …” I felt my face heating up.

“Rape doesn’t always hurt physically. It doesn’t always leave bruises. Sometimes it’s about the control, the act itself. Making someone’s body respond a certain way. That’s rape too and that’s what it’s mostly about. It’s not about hurting someone it’s about controlling them. Do you want to talk about something else? Talk about who’s next? James?”

“James is like me. He’s quiet. He’s good. He just wants everyone to be happy. He tries his best to make sure everyone is happy but he’s really scared. I know he’s scared because I’m scared. He just wants everyone to be safe. I think he worries about Cat a lot. And me. Cat is younger than he is and Da…she’s my little sister. Da’s mean to her already. She’s five and he’s already done stuff to her. She told us Da’s fingers hurt her. When he…And they do. They hurt a lot sometimes. I think he makes it hurt on purpose. Because sometimes his fingers don’t hurt and then sometimes they do. Uncle Ben threatened Andy. Last time…he. He didn’t do it to him. I wouldn’t let him but he said he would. I know he would.”

“What do you mean he threatened Andy? Andy is two, right?” she asked me.

“At the house. He…It was just me and mum I think. I can’t remember but she was bathing Andy and Lar. He took off down the hall and Uncle Ben was…he saw him and he…he asked Andy to come see him. Andy was naked and when I saw Uncle Ben’s face he was looking at him like…I picked Andy up. He…I wasn’t going to let him. He said I could or Andy could and mum came out. She told him to leave us alone. She, she tried to get him to leave and he pushed her. He had me by my hair and he was pulling, it hurt. But she tried to stop him. He pushed her. She slid across the floor and he grabbed me. He…”

“ok Will, take a deep breath. I’m going to go get you some water ok? I’ll be right back. Just try and calm down and relax. And I’ll bring you some water. We don’t have to talk about it any more ok?” I nodded my head.

I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. How he made me say those things like Lionel had. Made me admit that it…that my body liked it. The words playing in my head repeatedly. When Miss Julie came back she did indeed give me water and asked me if I wanted to play a game instead. It was a board game with questions on the cards. It helped me calm down though. After that, it seemed to be a mostly normal school day. They didn’t have grades at the school but more age groups. The age groups were from four to eight and then from nine to thirteen and from fourteen to seventeen. It wasn’t really that hard at all but I kept mostly to myself. It seemed like some of the kids had real problems. Not like mine. We had a group every day. Group therapy where we talked about things or where my group talked about things and I mostly listened. Some of the kids even heard voices. This one kid was what they called a cutter. We had a group therapy session based around her self-injury a lot of the other guys in there saying it was girl thing to do. That made me feel weird. Hearing it called a girl thing. Because I had self-injured. Sure, I hadn’t done it a lot at that point but it just made me stay quiet about it. Afraid that they would maybe…think things of me I wasn’t sure I was ready to share.

Time started passing. Things got easier, I got less anxious and I opened up more. Slowly but surely telling Miss Julie different things about Da and how he scared me, Uncle Ben. Different things about all of them. In the next three weeks, I had made a couple of friends nothing interesting happening until the day I turned 11. The topic of stranger danger and all of that coming up in group therapy for maybe the second time. Making me feel highly uncomfortable.

“I was almost kidnapped once,” Shelia said. Shelia was the one who heard voices. We weren’t allowed to make cracks but sometimes she just said such off the wall things I’m sure we all wondered if she was telling the truth or not sometimes.

“On the paper, it has a lot of she,” Taylor said, “What about the he’s in the room there are three of them too.”

It was true our whole group was a group of 10 and only three of us were boys. Glenn who was Asian with glasses and probably felt even more out of place than I did and Chase. Chase had a bald head. I think he might have been a neo-Nazi but I’m still not 100%. He was about as quiet as I was which means he rarely spoke. The others were named Shelia, Courtney, Stacy, Maria, Alta, Louisa and Misty. Me and Misty being on the younger side of the group and everyone else being 12 or 13. Me sometimes wishing that John was in the group as well because at least I knew him. At least with him, I could share glances when the girls started talking about their Eating disorders or they decided to cover domestic violence. We also had several discussions about puberty and that was always…weird.

“Yes, strangers might attempt to abduct boys.”

“What are they going to do with us?” Chase asked.

God…no. Not this conversation.

“You can rape a guy,” Glenn muttered.

“With what…? Oh. But that’s like gay,” Chase said causing a couple of the girls to snort in laughter.

Yeah, I didn’t want to be included in this conversation. Being the only gay male in the room that had been sexually assaulted it wasn’t a conversation I was comfortable with being a part of. I sighed.

“Something wrong Will?” Miss Linda asked me, the social worker for the group that day.

I smiled and shook my head.

“Oh, that’s his annoyed smile,” Misty said.

“You don’t like the group topic today Will?” Miss Linda asked me.

No, no I didn’t like the group topic. It was one I would rather skip. 

“Man, I know you like took a vow of silence at some point in your life but you can use your words you know? No one is going to attack you if you speak,” Chase said to me.

“That’s easy for you to say you haven’t heard his accent yet Chase,” Louisa said smiling.

I felt my face turning red. I had been there a total of three weeks and Chase had only been around for one. The only two that had been around long enough to hear me speak were Misty and Louisa at that point. Group was hard and class was easy. It was easier to sit in silence and just do my work on my own while I listened to everyone talk.

“That comment was not appropriate Louisa,” Miss Linda said.

“Can we seriously talk about something else though?” I asked, “Please?”

“Can you explain to us why you would like to talk about something else?” Miss Linda asked me.

“I don’t…I don’t want to talk about that,” I said.

“Stranger danger? Someone touch your junk?” Chase asked.

“Let me guess it was a guy in a white van,” Stacy said laughing.

That wasn’t funny. I didn’t want to talk about it. My whole body stiffening up, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I had to get out of there. This wasn’t ok, none of this was ok.

“May I use the loo?” I asked Miss Linda.

“The what?” Chase asked.

“He means the restroom,” Miss Linda told Chase, “Yes you may. Go on, you’re ok.”

I left shutting the door behind me as I went out into the hallway my heart pounding. It wasn’t funny. It wasn’t funny. Vans weren’t…I was ok with Vans but Limo’s I was not ok. That damn fucking Limo that I hadn’t thought about in weeks popping up in my head making me instantly want to scream. I wasn’t ok with it. I wasn’t…no. I wasn’t talking about that to anyone. It wasn’t ok.

What? So, none of those girls had ever been…not even a little? That’s the only reason I could think of them for laughing at me but, it made me feel like a freak. Like they had never…I sighed trying to calm myself down waiting for a few minutes before I went back in the room everyone going silent as I walked in.

“Hey man,” Chase said, “I was joking you know that, right? I mean it wasn’t an ok joke but, I didn’t mean anything by it.”

I nodded my head as Stacy looked at me giving me a small smile, “Did anything like that happen to you?”

I shook my head. I wasn’t talking about it. They couldn’t make me.

“Ok, let’s go back to the sheet. We’ve talked about strangers before and we all know that we stay away from them, right?” Miss Linda said, “But what if it was your family?”

“Everyone has a weird Uncle,” Alta said, “I’m serious. I have an Uncle that my parents won’t let us ever be alone with. I’m not sure if it’s because he wants to touch people though. I think it’s more that he likes to give us weed. Or try to.”

“Can I meet your uncle?” Chase asked.

“No,” Alta said shaking her head, “He’s a stoner. You know how stupid that shit makes you?”

“Something tells me he does,” Glenn muttered.

“No making fun of each other,” Miss Linda said, “Does anyone here know what to do about that?”

“You tell your parents,” Shelia said, “Get that asshole thrown in jail.”

“You do realize they only do that to boys in like gay places, right?” Chase asked.

“Ok,” Miss Linda said, “What exactly would you consider a gay place and what is …I know we’re not the most liberal place in the world here but there is nothing wrong with homosexuality. There are plenty of gay people and they don’t molest children. Actually, the person most likely to molest any child is…”

“You Chase,” Glenn muttered.

“I wouldn’t molest a kid you know how fucked up people who have been molested become? Some of them like can’t have sex at all. I wouldn’t ruin someone’s life by doing that to them. That’s just mean. I love sex.”

“You’re 13. Like you’ve had sex?” Alta asked him.

“You don’t know, I might have,” Chase said.

“Only with your dog,” Glenn snorted.

“HEY! Ok, no,” Chase said, “It was a fucking dare ok?”

“Wait what?” Courtney asked, “That poor dog!”

“Poor dog nothing. It was my cousin and the dog wasn’t exactly the one being subjected to things ok?” Chase said, “It fucking hurt.”

“Wait are you saying a dog did you up the as…”

“Language,” Miss Linda said, “And yes that’s a type of sexual assault because one the dog can’t consent and two you didn’t want to apparently.”

“NO but he did give me 50.00 so it was worth it even if I felt like I couldn’t sit down for a week,” Chase said, “My family is weird.”

“At least you don’t have three uncles in jail. And obviously, I’m not talking about the weed supplier,” Alta said.

“What did they do?” Stacy asked.

“Gang stuff. Stupid stuff,” Alta answered.

“I think what Glenn meant was white males are the most likely to sexually assault someone. White heterosexual males, not homosexuals. That’s a myth spread by conservatives,” Miss Linda said.

“Can we seriously talk about something else? Like seriously?” I asked again.

“Look, dude, we know someone touched your junk,” Chase said.

“Chase that is not how we…,” 

“What? We all know it. We all know that’s why he doesn’t want to talk about this. We’re not stupid. We all know that’s why he’s awkwardly quiet. All he has to do is admit it,” Chase said.

“Admit what? It’s not like he did anything. So, what if some guy did something to him? That doesn’t mean he has to talk about it. It’s his personal business. That’s like me admitting my brother touched me once and then my dad beat his ass,” Alta said her voice going quiet and face flushing a little as she said that.

“And how does that make you feel? Admitting it like that?” Miss Linda asked her.

“Embarrassed. It’s no one’s business but if something did happen to him. He doesn’t deserve to feel like he’s being put on the spot. He didn’t ask us to ask him questions. He didn’t admit to anything. He just asked that we change the topic. We should respect that. None of it is his fault,” Alta said.

It felt nice to hear someone say that even if she didn’t mean it in the way that I felt like she did. That them, none of it was my fault. It was the first time someone that I wasn’t related to or wasn’t a therapist or Cole had said it. It was nice to hear that someone else believed that. That none of it was my fault.

I admit I tuned out after that point. I was annoyed. Annoyed that everyone knew. That Miss Linda had probably had the same talk she had had repeatedly at different points. How everyone was there for a different reason and that sometimes they’re mental health issues were caused by something whether that was a chemical imbalance, a hard family life, abuse or bullying. Everyone was there for a reason and those reasons were as different as we each were.

That it was important to remember that. And I didn’t want to talk about it publicly. Alta was right it wasn’t anyone’s business. It didn’t matter to anyone but me. It also didn’t feel good to be compared to girls. Because you know that type of stuff didn’t happen to boys unless you were Chase and it was your cousin’s dog. The thought grossing me out.

Shortly after Lunch, I was called in to meet with Miss Julie and Matt. This was probably the second sibling session I had with Matt. The first one he mostly listened to me talk about Uncle Ben and Da and all of that and why I didn’t like them. Now it was my turn to listen to him.

“So, how was your morning guys?” Miss Julie asked us.

“Mine was fine,” I lied.

“Mine too,” Matt said, “No one like the picture I drew in art.”

“Oh?” Miss Julie asked him, “It is possible because it was of a flying penis.”

“Matty really?” I turned to him asking, “you’re eight.”

“I like dick,” Matty said, “Don’t pretend you don’t.”

“Excuse me!” I hissed, “If I did I wouldn’t tell you.”

“You don’t need to tell me anything. If you didn’t why would you leave Uncle Ben?”

“I didn’t leave him!” I hissed, “I didn’t do anything! You still think I wanted to …after last week?”

“He always said you liked it. That you moaned for it,” Matt said.

“If I was moaning it was in fucking pain you wranker!”  
“Hey, this is not being productive. Ok, You, listen. No name calling, no swearing, and Matt no naming calling or assuming you know how Will feels. Tell him how you feel. Use I statements,” Miss Julie said.

“Fine, I feel angry because I believe that you decided you liked the leader better and he decided the same so then you hurt Uncle Ben’s feelings. So, then Uncle Ben started being mean,” Matt said, “Is that better miss Julie?”

“Yes, thank you. Now why do you think Uncle Ben got his feelings hurt?” She asked Matt.

“Because before that he was different sometimes. After he got super mean. Especially towards Mike. He used to throw him down, Will. He used to…he wouldn’t even use his fingers most of the time and when he did he pushed hard and he didn’t use lube. He was so mean. He made him cry and it didn’t matter how much he cried he made us keep going he made me keep going. I don’t like it when he cries! I’m supposed to make things better, not worse and he wouldn’t let me stop! He said if I stopped he would make it worse. He would make it so much worse!” Matty said starting to cry, “I love him like Daddy loves me. I don’t want him to cry!”

“Can I say something?” I asked quietly.

“Sure,” Miss Julie said giving me permission to say something.

“I know you don’t want to hurt Mike ok? I know you didn’t like seeing him cry but Da doesn’t love you. What Da does hurts too. You might not think it does and I don’t understand why but, it hurts,” I answered.

“Not like Uncle Ben though. Uncle Ben makes me use toys. Mike doesn’t like the toys. He screams because it burns. Uncle Ben always uses it on high and it hurts him. It hurts him so bad. You have no idea how much it hurts him,” Matt told me.

“I know he uses toys. He’s used them on me. Why does this make you mad at me though?” I asked him.

“He wouldn’t hurt Mike like that if he wasn’t mad at you. He’s said it. He said you decided you wanted the leader more and Da agreed to it,” Matt said again.

“Ok I didn’t choose the leader. I didn’t choose any of them. I don’t like it. I don’t like any of it. They all hurt ok? Lionel made me do horrible things. Not like that but, he made me do stuff and it hurt and it was uncomfortable. You weren’t the only one who suffered because of that. Mike wasn’t the only one who suffered. I didn’t get to choose Lionel ok? He chose me and I had no say in it. I’m sorry if Uncle Ben got upset about that. And I’m really sorry he hurt Mike because of it because I never want Mike to hurt, you know that. I never want anyone to hurt either of you,” I said.

“I’ve seen the way you look at me though. You don’t love me,” Matt said.

“Matt that’s not true. I do love you. You’re just different ok? It takes people time to get used to you. You didn’t use to be like this. But I do love you. If I didn’t love you then I wouldn’t protect you. Uncle Ben has told me before if I didn’t do something he’d make you do it and I…I never said no. Because I didn’t want him to hurt you ok? Even if I don’t understand what happened to you and why you aren’t like you were before I wouldn’t want anyone to hurt you because you’re my brother ok?” I told him.

“It was Da,” he told me, “Daddy he said that…if I wanted to…be different I could be. If I wanted things to not hurt all I had to do was tell myself they didn’t. And it works they don’t.”

“I’m not sure that’s true Matt,” Miss Julie said, “Do you think maybe that’s why you’re so angry all the time because it does hurt?”

“No,” Matt said shaking his head, “It doesn’t hurt. Not really. Sometimes it feels good.”

“Just because your body is liking it doesn’t mean you do ok?” I said quietly, “My body it…does things too. That doesn’t mean I’m ok with it though. It just means I have a body. That it does things sometimes. It doesn’t mean that I like what’s happening,” I answered.

“But then why does it tickle so good?” Matt asked giving me a half smile.

Eww. I shuddered at that. It was not ok with that look from him when talking about that. No, just no. I felt like I was going to stop breathing. There was nothing funny or good about that. Something told me by the smile he was giving me that he knew it too. 

“Ok, do we need to discuss being appropriate again? And how it’s not nice to make people feel uncomfortable?” Miss Julie asked him.

“But look at his face. It looks like he’s about to cry,” Matt said almost laughing at me.

“It’s not funny,” I said, “it’s not…I HATE IT!!” I screamed loudly.

“Ok,” Miss Julie said, “Matt how about you head back to class ok? You know where the room is.”

“Ok, well this was fun,” Matt said, “See you later Willy.”

With that, he walked away shutting the door behind him.

“Wh-why?” I asked hugging myself.

“He has problems. We’re working on them,” Miss Julie said.

“He hates me. He hates me and I-I’ve tried everything that I-I can think of to…to k-keep him safe. I tried everything even when we were little. Da you know? He…” I trailed off I didn’t want to talk about that. What I remembered him doing. How he always told me to be quiet. How I would be as quiet as I could be until I couldn’t stand it anymore. My face burning hot just remembering it. 

“He has problems. We believe that he shows sociopathic tendencies. He was just trying to get a rise out of you. He likes to know he has power over people. That he can affect their mood. The only way to deal with it is to tell him it’s not appropriate explain how he made you feel and then if he continues ignore him. I know that sounds like how they tell you to deal with bullies but…”

“He’s a bully,” I muttered.

“He needs to work on being more empathetic. This was actually a test for Matty to see if he could get an evening pass home. He wasn’t aware of that but he didn’t pass. John already talked to me yesterday and his shakes seem down so he did pass. He’ll be celebrating with you guys at home for a birthday dinner and if that goes well He’ll be getting a weekend pass home,” Miss Julie told me.

“Really? John is coming home?” I asked excitedly.

“For the weekend possibly,” Miss Julie told me, “He’s doing well. We think we’re going to keep him a little while longer but we’re thinking by the end of May he’ll be home with you guys full time.”

“That’s a long time,” I answered.

“Well, he needs a lot of help. You all do,” Miss Julie told me.

“Because of Da?” I asked her.

“And other things yes,” she said, “You want to talk about some of that? Are you excited to have a birthday without him?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “That was the first time he…made me do butt stuff. Was on my birthday.”

“Last year?” she asked me and I shook my head.

“I was 8,” I answered, “I was in boarding school and he took me out to a hotel and he…did it.”

“How did that make you feel?” Miss Julie asked me quietly.

I shrugged my shoulders, “It hurt. It hurt a lot more than anything. Ever. I thought he was going to give me a present. He told me to close my eyes and then he…he kissed me. It wasn’t the first time he ever kissed me like that but it…scared me.”

“Can you tell me why?” she asked me.

I looked at me knees continuing to talk, “It felt different. I mean it always felt wrong ever since I can remember but it was…harder. It was harder than before.”

“You must have felt really betrayed. Knowing that he was going to hurt you like that,” Miss Julie said.

“I didn’t know it would hurt,” I said, “I think I knew kind of because I saw Uncle Ben do it to John once. He screamed. He screamed like he was dying but, I thought some of it was being scared. But maybe it wasn’t. I don’t know.”

“You saw your uncle rape your brother?” she asked me.

I nodded my head, “It was…I think I knew then. That eventually Da was going to…I mean he’d been touching me for a while.”

“Touching you how?” she asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders, “With his hands. He’d lick me sometimes and he always told me it was supposed to feel good. That he just wanted to make me feel good. I hated hearing that. It scared me. Because it always meant...”

“That he’d hurt you?” she prompted.

“That part never hurts. Not physically. I just…I don’t like the way it feels. Like snow in your body. You know, the kind on the TV?”

“What does that feel like?” she asked me.

“Like you can’t breathe. Like you know…you know it’s wrong and it…you don’t want to but your body still just…you can’t stop it. Sometimes I can’t even move. I just want to go away when they do it. Because I can’t stop it you know? It just happens and it gets worse and worse until you want to…you want to scream and you can’t. You can’t move you can’t do anything. And they just keep…keep doing it. Sometimes until it burns. Until it…there’s so much snow it just burns. Then they do other things.”

“How do they make you feel snow?” she asked me.

I felt my face turning red even though I wasn’t looking at her. Thinking about it, their mouths there. How Lionel didn’t just put his mouth there but everywhere else too. How that made it worse. How that was one of the most sensitive spots. That spot behind everything. How he liked to…I felt myself shivering like I was cold shaking my head.

“Ok,” Miss Julie said reaching out and rubbing my arm comfortingly, “It’s ok Will.”

“I don’t…I don’t like it,” I said shaking my head.

“It doesn’t sound like something anyone would like,” Miss Julie said, “I bet that makes you mad, doesn’t it? Having someone make you do that?”

I nodded my head, “He said he likes it when I cry. That he think…he thinks it’s cute. I don’t want to be cute.”

“Who your Dad?” she asked me quietly.

I shook my head. I hated talking about him. I wasn’t supposed to talk about him and I knew that. I hated myself though. That my body did all of that stuff for him. That he liked it. That he knew I cried and he liked it. That he just liked me general. I didn’t want to be with him. Or Da. 

“Will you can tell me ok? You have nothing to be afraid of here. I know it’s only been two weeks but, that’s a big step. Talking about it like that. I’m so proud of you! I know this is hard for you. To talk about this but you did it. You talked about it with so little prompting. I’m so proud of you. You could have pulled back when I asked you about why I was talking about your birthday and your brother and you didn’t. You opened up. And you opened up a lot. You have no idea how proud of you I am right now. You did good, you did great!” she said smiling at me.

“I’m just glad their gone,” I said, “I never wanted it, you know? Matt might think I did but, I didn’t. Never.”

“Well you’re young. It’s normal to not want it. Especially when someone is forcing you. That’s all very natural. It’s natural to be mad or angry at them too because they hurt you. They took something away from you. It’s important for every person to develop in their own time. To discover their sexuality in their own time and they took that away from you. And you’re allowed to angry about that. If someone did that to me I’d be downright furious. You aren’t an object. You’re a person and you deserve to be treated like one. To have your boundaries respected and that was something your Dad and your Uncle didn’t do.”

“And their friends,” I added quietly.

“And their friends. They didn’t do that for you when they should have. Your Dad used his authority and power over you and he took advantage of it. He changed the way you see the world. He made it hard to trust people, didn’t he?” Miss Julie asked me.  
All of that was true. He had taken so many things away from me that I would never get back. My first kiss, my first…everything. He had even taken my first kiss from someone my own age away from me. Forced me to kiss John. To make out with my brother. My first date, all of it.

“I trust Jack,” I answered, “And mum. I want to trust Matty but…he’s so mean. When I think he’s not being mean he is. And I can tell. I know Mike and James love me though and they’d never hurt me. I trust Pat and Cole, Finn even. Even though his brother scared me. Ted even a little bit.”

“Finn’s brother scared you?” Miss Julie asked me.

I nodded my head. He hadn’t really even done anything to me but he had scared me. He looked at me like that. I swallowed, “They have this…look sometimes when they look at you. Like you know they’re thinking something bad. Wallace looked at me like that. Every time I saw him. I only saw him a couple of times but, he always looked at me like that. I didn’t like it.”

“What do you mean by thinking something bad?” Miss Julie asked me.

“What they want to do. Sometimes I’m sure they’re thinking about me naked. I don’t like being naked. I like my clothes. I like wearing clothes and sometimes they are nice. I mean sometimes not but, I like them,” I said.

“Are you feeling a little vulnerable right now? That was a lot to talk about. Do you want to stop for today? We’ll talk about more stuff tomorrow?” Miss Julie asked me.

I nodded my head. It had been a lot. The most I had ever talked about it. Most of it had been about my family those past couple of weeks. About everything being new and how weird it felt. Her not pushing me to talk about anything I didn’t want to. Not about Da or Uncle Ben or him. None of it. It had been my choice to talk about it that day and she had let me. She had validated my feelings and asked me questions that helped me understand how I felt too.

It can be confusing being a victim of that. Especially when it’s your Da who first subjected you to it. I did feel betrayed and angry about it. And Anger wasn’t something I realized I had so much of towards him until that day when she asked me about it.

When mum came to school to pick us up that day I was surprised to see John standing there smiling at me and opening his arms for a hug “JACK!” I yelled happily us being the only two in the room.

“Hey! Happy birthday!” John said hugging me, “How are you doing?”

I had only seen him for maybe 3 hours in the whole month since mum had dropped him and Matt off. Once on a weekend visit and once for therapy and then I had done a family session with him one weekend him, mum, Matt, Mike and I to talk about things. I had mostly listened. Mum talking about how Matt worried her and listened to John and Matt yell at each other while Mike kept pulling faces.

John looked better every time I saw him. Less pale and thin. More alive, more awake. He seemed like he was doing a lot better. A million times better.

“I’m ok. I talked about stuff today,” I answered him shrugging my shoulders, “How are you doing?”

“Better, I don’t feel sick all the time anymore. I had no idea that it was making me worse. But physically I feel grand like bloody fantastic. I just…,” his face fell, “I miss him.”

“I know,” I said nodding my head, “I miss them too. He’d be glad you’re doing better though.”

“I know,” he said nodding his head, “So I’m going to go to your birthday party.”

“Yeah, Miss Julie told me, an evening pass. You sure you want to waste it on me?” I asked him.

“I don’t know anyone else,” he said laughing as we heard squeals coming from the other side of the door turning to see our younger siblings jumping up and down at the door and pointing excitedly causing John to wave at them as a teacher’s aid unlocked the door and let them out.

“JACK!!!” James and Cat screamed in unison before running up and hugging him nearly knocking him over.

“It’s good to see you guys too,” he said laughing, “I miss you. How are you doing?”

“Good,” Catty said, “I have a friend who has two first names. Did you know people can have two first names?”

“We have like four middle names,” I pointed out.

“Yeah but we’re British,” James said which made me laugh.

“I don’t think that has to do with being British. I think that’s a family thing bud,” I said.

Shortly after that mum came to pick us up. When we got home, mum wouldn’t let us go into the house instead sending us over to Carmen and Bob’s someone throwing bits of paper in my face as a bunch of people I didn’t know screamed “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!”

I looked around only recognizing four faces even though there were a few more. Carmen coming over and hugging me, “Happy birthday kid. We got you lots of presents and since we know you don’t know a lot of people we invited some people over to help you celebrate. Obviously, you know Mitch and Beau, this is their third Hoyt, Heather, Emma, Becky, Joey, and Jason.”

“Hi, thanks,” I said.

“He’s so cute!” one of the girls giggled causing my face to go red.

Beau bent in close, “She was talking about your brother Billy.”

That actually made me feel better. It felt weird being called cute still. I wasn’t sure about cute. We had a big dinner and cake and ice cream and I got a lot of presents but the one that I remember the most was a CD player and a Nirvana CD.

“That’s from me,” Beau said, “Now that you’re a teenager we need to get you building some good music tastes. Make sure you’re ahead of the curve my friend.”

He shot me that smile. God, that fucking smile. He was way too good looking. I knew it was dangerous to feel that way. I knew what everyone would say so I tried to ignore it. It was a great day and the first day I think I…felt like I could get lost in that smile.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will makes friends with one of the neighbor boys as the summer goes on causing a confrontation with John when he finds out more might be going on than is appropriate. Summer is coming to an end and life seems to be moving happily forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 679 to 703. Ok there are some warnings here usually is because that's the nature of the story **Warnings: Dubious consent, underage kissing, underage sex, underage oral sex, underage anal fingering, skinny dipping, anxiety, mental health issues, altercation (slight)**
> 
> Now I know some people might not look at Beau as a predator and he certainly is different from the handlers and tracker/recruits in the Brotherhood but he is still a predator in some ways. He is 16 years old fooling around with an 11-year-old. He's aware it's illegal and wrong and is choosing to use that 11-year-old anyway because he's willing. That is still him preying on this kid even if Will doesn't see it that way at the time it occurs. So while he is a different type of predator he's still very much a predator. Will comes to understand that in time but at first he doesn't see a problem with it for many different reasons.

Weeks turned into months and John came home. He made friends with Heather and I made friends with more kids my age but whenever I saw Beau outside in the morning I made sure I stopped and said hi. Eventually, the weather started to get warmer and I started taking walks. The first week of summer vacation I took a walk down to what they called the lake with a book. Just to read quietly because the house was always loud and we were all so close together and I found Beau out there. It had been very early in the morning.

He was fishing. By himself. I had seen him but figured it was early and that he was probably out there because he wanted to be alone him looking over and smiling at me.

“Billy! Fancy meeting you here. What are you up to?” he asked me coming over.

“Reading,” I answered, “it gets loud in the house.”

“I can understand that. I have three little brothers. I also have an older sister. She just got home from college and it’s annoying. Why I spent so much time out of the house,” Beau said.

“You do?” I asked him.

“It’s as true as the day is long,” he said flashing that smile at me.

“You’re different, aren’t you?” I asked him.

I don’t know what made me ask but there was something about him. He was older but, he didn’t seem to mind that I was 11. He seemed to like me. I had a feeling he liked me a lot.

He frowned up at the sun squinting his eyes before he turned back to the lake messing with his pole, “Depends on what ya mean.”

“I huh,” I shrugged my shoulders feeling shy.

“You mean am I different from most folks round here? I reckon I am,” he said, “Why?”

“You seem different,” I said.

“You seem different,” he said smiling at me, “Don’t suppose there’s a lot of guys like us round these parts.”

“Does everyone know?” I asked him.

He shook his head vigorously laughing, “I certainly hope not. Mitch knows but, Mitch don’t care. My parents find out though they’d skin me alive. What about your Mama?”

“She knows,” I said, “Is that why you’re nice to me? Because you know?”

In case you didn’t catch what was going on we were talking about being gay. Like I thought he was but wasn’t sure until he had said it. Not outright, but enough to let on he knew what I was asking and then admit it was true. It excited me, my heart quickening a little. 

I didn’t even think about the fact that he was older. I just knew I liked him and I hoped he liked me. That we were both gay and that was something we had in common along with having a lot of brothers. That was the first early morning conversation of many. After a while, he started bringing lunch. 

We started talking more Mitch was sometimes there but most of the time he didn’t show up until around noon. I think we shared our first kiss sometime in late June. Three weeks after our morning conversations had started. I wasn’t sure either of us knew what we were doing. Not that well anyway. I mean I was 11 and it was the second kiss I was having that was consensual or that I felt was consensual. Around July fourth he invited me out into the woods with him and Mitch but Mitch, Carmen and Bob had to go on a family camping trip for the holiday so it was just Beau and me.

“You like this place?” he asked me as we made it into a clearing in the woods.

“It’s nice,” I said before I reached up wrapping my hands around his neck.

“Yeah?” he asked me licking his bottom lip as he smiled at me.

I nodded my head as he leaned down and kissed me. He was a great kisser. His tongue rolling over mine slowly, him pulling back smiling at me. At this point, we had fooled around a little bit. Not much mostly above our clothes. He was interested in more but he had never been with anyone and I had never been with anyone willingly. We had talked about that too.

About Da and what he had done to me. Beau making us slow down. Telling me he didn’t want to push me. That maybe it was a bad idea but I begged him to keep seeing me. Him making me feel wanted but in a good way. Making me feel like maybe someone cared about me and it wasn’t just for that. He liked fishing with me and walking around with me talking about the plants he knew. Showing me the different tracks made by animals. The plan was to just camp. To watch the stars that night.

“You’re getting taller Billy,” he said smiling at me.

“I’ve heard that happens,” I said before he laughed lightly at me.

“I suppose so,” he said, “You’ll be tall as me soon.”

“You think so?” I asked barely above a whisper.

“You never know. We’re going have fun tonight,” he said.

I frowned at him.

“OH NO! Heavens no. I didn’t mean that per say,” he said assuring me, “I mean I bought some stuff but, I have no plans for that.”

“Don’t you wonder what it’s like though?” I asked him grabbing his hand, “I do.”

“Ya do?” he asked me squeezing my hand.

“Mhm,” I said nodding my head and smiling, “I never got…” I sighed trying again, “I never got to choose before. I think I’d like to choose.”

“You don’t have to choose me,” Beau said, “I’m ok with us not…ya know. Don’t ever let me pressure ya. I like this just fine. You and me. Holden hands, kissing here and there. Maybe some…little things,” he said added walking us over to what seemed like a fire pit with some logs laying down sitting us down near it putting his hand on my leg through my jeans, “It don’t have to be nothin else. Nothing you don’t want.”

“I know but I…,” I felt myself blushing a little bit, “I think I want to. Is that ok?”

He smiled widely nodding his head, “I suppose it’s more than ok. It’s excitin. How about we play by ear though? See what happens after we get this tent set up and get a fire going?”

“All right. That sounds fine,” I said before I climbed into his lap wrapping my legs around his waist squeezing his waist between my knees.

He felt nice. His body feeling strong, safe. I wanted to. I think it was mostly because I afraid. Because ever since Mrs. Carters visit it had been in the back of my head that they were looking for us. That he was looking for me and that he’d get me back. I wanted to be in charge.

“Babe?” he said as I kissed his ear smiling at him, “You need to let me go so we can get the tent up because as exciting as this is. The thought of it all, the idea of my backside losing it to a tree is not that…it doesn’t tickle my britches.”

I laughed nodding my head, “Yeah, a tent is a good idea, isn’t it?”

“It is,” he said smiling at me, “Why don’t you go round up some wood?”

I grabbed his crotch, “I think I found some.”

“Very funny,” he said, “I mean some for the fire though. That ain’t gonna start any fires in the fire pit.”

“I suppose it wouldn’t,” I said, “Ok, I’ll go get some.”

“All right then,” he said getting up.

It took maybe half an hour for him to get the tent ready and me to gather a good amount of firewood. when I got back to our camp we spent time in the tent. Just lying there and kissing. It started slow, just making out our shirts slowly coming off. At some point, after we had been lost in a deep kissing for a while we pulled apart looking at each other our chests both heaving.

“So…where do we…?” Beau asked sounding nervous.

“Well, we could try something,” I said quietly.

“Like what?” he asked me.

“Well, rubbing I think,” I said, “Without clothes now.”

“You sure you want to? We don’t have to. You know we don’t gotta do nothing you ain’t wanna be doing,” Beau reminded me.

“I want to,” I said, “I really do. But maybe we should…eat first?”

“Yeah, we can do that,” he said, “I brought skewers we can cook some hot dogs enjoy our root beers.”

“We didn’t bring root beers,” I said frowning at him.

“They’re in the lake,” he said shrugging his shoulders, “Water helps keep’em cold.”

“Oh, I didn’t know,” I said.

“That’s ok,” Beau said, “Let’s eat some dogs.”

We got up and went outside. We must have eaten the whole package together mostly talking about stupid stuff and John and Heather. Heather who he had been getting to know outside of school. Heather who he kept disappearing to spend time with. Mum was worried about me spending time by myself when I hadn’t been alone at all. It was helpful though. Usually, me only getting early mornings on my own before I had to leave and go home. This being one of the few days where the kissing didn’t have to stop at 3pm for me to go home.

I did a lot of childcare in Montana. Mostly it was me taking care of everyone that was home Matt still being fully hospitalized while Heather and John made out on the couch in front of me. Heather sometimes questioning why I didn’t go out more and hang out with Becky’s sister Megan who I had met maybe twice but Heather swore up and down she found me cute and thought we should hang out. Little did Heather know…I thought someone else was beyond cute and we had been hanging out just about every morning after mum got home from work and Carmen came in to help mum watch the little ones while she got some sleep before she got up and worked at the diner and then at 8 left the diner and went to go work overnights at the gas’N’sip.

It was nice having a whole day with him. When we were done eating the sun was going down. Beau giving me this look as he offered me his hand, “You feeling ok?”

“Yeah, of course,” I answered, “Why?”

“You’re sure you want to…,” his face got almost as red as mine did when I got nervous, “Take this somewhere? There ain’t no going back once we do.”

“I know,” I said nodding my head, “I want to. I mean it.”

“All right then,” he said holding the tent flap open for me before climbing in after me giving me a gentle smack on the ass causing me to laugh as he climbed in and zipped the tent, “So how do you want to…?”

“I think I have an idea,” I sighed my hands going to his belt, “Lay down.”

“Wow, takin charge?” Beau asked me as he laid down.

I nodded my head, “Is that ok?”

“Whatever floats your boat,” he said as I started undoing his pants kissing his bare stomach.

I had given a blow job before. More than once but for some reason I felt nervous as he sprang free. I remember feeling a tingle as I looked at him, his jeans and boxers around his knees as he looked at me his eyes wide in what was either surprise or excitement. I wasn’t sure which.

“So…how do we…?” he started to ask before I grabbed him and licked his length causing his whole body to tense as he gasped sharply, “Oh.”

“Bad?” I asked him.

“Bad is not the word I would use to describe how that felt. Is there any way we can…? Share?” he asked.

I nodded my head, “Can I be on top.”

“Babe you can be where ever you want if you’re going do some more of that,” he said looking at me to which I nodded my head my hands going to my belt.

“Do you know what 69 is?” I asked him.

“I have seen some…videos yes,” he admitted nodding his head his smile growing as he looked at me.

“So, you know how to…?” I trailed off.

“In theory,” he said, “I ain’t never done it before though.”

“Well, I would …straddle you. My legs on either side of your face and my face in your…

“My bits?” he finished for me and I nodded my head.

“And then we’d well…use our mouths on each other.”

“It sounds like it might be fun to me if you want to,” he said, “Come here for a second.”

“But wha…” I started to ask as he pulled me forward on top of him kissing me hard. His tongue rolling across mine stealing my breath. Making me feel warm making my heart jump in a good way. He felt good his hands on my skin, petting my flesh. His fingers feeling warm and gentle. I was afraid it would feel like them but it didn’t. Not even close. His eyes didn’t look like theirs as he looked at me rubbing my hips slowly as he went to my belt and started undoing it with his hands as he broke our kiss.

He felt good. He felt so good. My whole body feeling warm as his eyes looked at me like I was the most amazing thing he had ever seen in his life. Like he wanted me like he saw me, all of me. He didn’t see whatever it was they saw. A body, a scared kid.  
He saw me. He really saw me. He saw my dreams of getting away, of staying away and being safe. He saw my secrets. How I was scared Matt would never get better and how I had been afraid at first that John would get sad once he realized he’d never have Pat again. How I wanted the world for James. How I wanted him to chase his dreams with his piano and write great music to share with the world. How Mike kept telling me he thought he wanted to be a teacher and Catty a dancer. How I thought I knew what I wanted but wasn’t sure. How I wanted to help people.

When he smiled at me I saw stars, “Only if you want to babe,” he said again.

I nodded my head swallowing as I rested my weight on my knees helping him undo my pants the rest of the way. I could feel the tingle I knew I was…aroused. It wasn’t anything I had ever felt without being touched there before. It was weird but, not upsetting. Not like I thought it might be. Every second that ticked by allowing me to relax more. Allowing me to feel more confident that I wanted this. That I wanted him.

“So, what do I do just…?” he asked pulling my hips forward causing my knees to slide along that canvas that was under us.

“I think I need to turn around first so I’m you know. Otherwise, that’s going to be my ass,” I chuckled.

“I like your ass,” he said, “But I see your point.”

He let me go me. I stood up and relieving myself of my bottoms the rest of the way before I leaned over him making a sound.

“Everything ok?” I asked him.

“Just enjoying the view,” he said causing me to laugh, “It’s a really pleasant view.”

“Thanks,” I said feeling myself blush as I bent over him leaning all the way back so he was laying down flat as I started touching him.

It felt warm in my hand, light and yet not. Him moaning slightly as I leaned forward and licked his shaft his hand going to mine and starting to rub to tease me his lips wrapping around me. Causing my mouth to open a moan escaping before I managed to shut my mouth.

He chuckled, “Do ya think this ever works like it does in the movies?”

“I have no idea,” I murmured, “Yours is nice though.”

It tasted salty. Salty yet sweet at the same time. His hair tickling my nose as I put him in my mouth. He tasted nice. I can’t even really explain why but, he tasted so good making me feel like I couldn’t get enough me swallowing as much of him as I could at once.  
“AH!” he moaned loudly his body arching up him taking the opportunity to wrap his lips around me.

69 is hard when you’re not used to doing it. The moment they touch something sensitive you lose your concertation. You forget what you were doing, whatever motion you were in the middle of making and get lost in what it was they were doing. It does, however, make for a lot of fun sounds and sensations when it’s a wanted act. Both of us left gasping and moaning as we sucked and licked bring ourselves to the edge before we both stopped breathless my knees shaking from holding myself up as he expertly sucked and licked me. It left me panting and seeing stars but…not quite there.

“How did you…never mind I’m not sure I wanna know,” Beau said laying down flat.

“That I’m sure you do not want to know,” I agreed.

“You are very good with your mouth. I mean I already knew that but…” he sighed heavily, “You want to cool down? Go for a swim?”

“You don’t want to keep going?” I asked him, “I thought you said you had some…”

“Oh no, I do. Believe me but, I want you to be sure. So, I think maybe we should take a breather. Go swimming.”

“Like this?” I asked.

I had never skinny dipped in a lake before. I had at home because when you swam with Uncle Ben it was his requirement that it was sans suits but, never in a natural body of water. He was right though. It would give our heads time to clear. To make sure it was something we both wanted and that it wasn’t just our bodies that were into the experience but also our heads and hearts.

“Ok,” I said.

“All right you better move before…,” he said going quiet his hands landing on each of my cheeks, “Have I told you how nice this is?”

“You might have mentioned it, yes,” I said taking a deep breath trying to calm myself down.

Lionel had never done that in this position usually grabbing my legs and forcing my knees hard into my shoulders to do that but it still made me kind of nervous. He must have felt my body tense because he moved his hands.

“Billy it’s ok, it’s me,” he said, “It’s me ok. Stay here with me. Don’t go to that place. Ok, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not…” I sighed undstraddling his head and sitting on his legs.

He sat up wrapping himself around my shoulders, “It’s ok Billy. We’re ok.”

“I just…don’t like mouths there,” I said quietly.

“I know,” he said, “I remember you telling me that when we talked about it. Nothing you don’t ever want to do. Which is why I think we need a cool down before this goes somewhere you’re not ready for. Ya get my meaning?”

I nodded my head. He was right. Maybe I wasn’t ready for it. Maybe it wasn’t…what we had done had been amazing. It had fucking rocked but that…the idea of that scared me. 

Probably because it was only and him and Uncle Ben who had ever done that. Even Da only usually paid attention to my shaft and tip and not everything else. Not like Uncle Ben and Lionel did. They touched and put their mouth everywhere. It was nerve-wracking. Worrying about how I would react to too much stimulation afraid my brain was going to go there and ruin whatever this was for me him kissing my cheek.

“Billy don’t worry about it. We don’t have to do anything else ok? Why don’t we just go swimming? Enjoy the nice summer air.” he asked me.

“Right,” I said standing up before I turned around to kiss him.

We both used our hands to cover ourselves as we ran to the lake him running right to the end of the pier and jumping in while shouting. It made me nervous to be out of the tree cover. Even at school gay jokes and calling people homos was prevalent and if you thought Catholics were anti-gay you should’ve met the Baptists that had that town on lockdown. I heard some of the girls talking about their brothers one of them had gotten sent to a different hospital a conversion hospital to cure them of their gayness. And this was at a school for kids with emotional and behavioral problems due to many different issues.

I jumped in and we started splashing around his arms feeling great wrapped around my waist our naked bodies touching in the water before we leaned up against the peer him kissing me hard. Kissing on my neck and shoulders starting to kiss down my chest when we heard laughter and shouting in the distance.

“Fuck,” Beau swore the word sounding almost like a prayer as he looked in the direction the voices were coming from.

“Could we make a run for it?” I asked him.

“Huh, no. We’d have to run right past’em. They’d see us. It’s a bunch of guys from school. Everyone comes dipping out here. I should have known that someone would be heading out here. Just stay…”

“Beau is that you?!” I heard someone shout from a while off.

“Howdy Ethan,” Beau said as I ducked down trying to hide against the pier.

I wasn’t stupid. If they caught him skinny dipping alone with another guy they would go apeshit. And those western boys. I’d heard about some of their fights. John had told me a lot about the fights that broke out in the hospital portion of the school and it didn’t sound nice. Someone always got hurt and I imagined Beau could hold his own. However, if you had abs like Channing Tatum you could probably hold your own too.

“What are you doing out here swimming on your own? You dipping?” Ethan asked.

“Huh, yeah ain’t no one else out here so why not? You mind kind…?” Beau said gesturing with his hands.

“You sure you out here alone and not doing some queer boy stuff?” I heard another voice asks him.

“I ain’t queer,” Beau said.

“That’s not true and we all know it. You’re fucking queer. Everyone knows it but your Daddy. Your Daddy knew he’d tan your hide and then skin you alive. And everyone done seen you hanging out with that boy. Hoyt Hollingworth even said.

“Fuck Hoyt,” Beau said, “Hoyt don’t know what he’s talking about.”

“You know what’s nasty. That you’d be into a kid. That boy is just a kid. He even got a dick?” Ethan taunted. I made sure I stayed very still where I was. 

If they hated being gay they would probably really hate someone being gay and being with someone younger. I wanted to come out and yell at them. Tell them to go away and to leave us alone but I was pretty sure the cops would be called.

I wasn’t stupid. I knew I was young. I didn’t want my boyfriend going to jail. I mean we were swimming together naked, we weren’t related if it weren’t for the water I’m sure our bodies would have shown what we thought of each other. This caused me to stand very still and be very silent up against the pier where they couldn’t see me.

“I’m not a fucking homo!” Beau said, “I’m out here swimming alone because I’m not a homo. I could ask you if you guys are. The two of you coming out here together in the middle of the night. You ain’t got suits. Everyone knows you’re coming in here as naked as the day you were born. So, if I’m gay why’d I come here by myself?”

At that, I had to be very careful to hold back a laugh. I mean he did have a fair point. Why would you go skinny dipping with another guy alone and not in a group if you weren’t there to feel each other up? And for all they knew he was alone. It would make more sense that the two guys together were gay than the one going by himself.

“I huh, there’s something wrong with you Beau,” Ethan stammered.

“Then go on, get I’m gonna enjoy my swim,” Beau said throwing himself backward into the water floating lazily on his back away from me as I heard someone sigh loudly and walk away.

Even with the water and everything it was a very nice site. If I hadn’t realized I was gay before. That would have made me gay. Him opening one of his eyes to check and see if they were gone before he stopped floating in the water on his back laughing as he came back down.

“They’re gone,” he said.

“Thank god,” I said.

“You are so much trouble, Billy,” he said shaking his head.

“I’m trouble? I didn’t do anything,” I insisted.

“You say that,” he said coming up to me and hugging me up against the pier where I was still standing, “But you could put me in a world of hurt with those big green orbs of yours. I ain’t never seen nothing so handsome before.”

“You always say that,” I muttered.

It was true. It wasn’t the first time he had talked about my eyes. Our second morning spent just talking him telling me my eyes were the first thing he noticed about me, the first thing that made him curious about me. Made him want to get to know me.  
He never called me pretty or beautiful. Never referred to me in that way just naturally. I didn’t even have to ask him not to. It made me wonder what was different about him that he didn’t call me those things. Those things like Da and Uncle Ben did. Like Lionel did. 

Beau never treated me like a kid or like I was less than. He treated me like an adult, an equal. He talked to me like I was old enough and smart enough to understand. He was never demeaning or demanding. Never taking things farther than I was willing to go.

“I wouldn’t do that to you,” I said.

“They would ‘a found ya it would have. Here they don’t like people like us. Especially don’t like people like me,” he muttered.

“People like you?” I asked him.

“Who can enjoy…this,” his said cupping my butt in his hands, “You have no idea how handsome you are. You’re a piece of art. Everything about ya.”

I felt a lump in my throat. God, I wanted to do things to him me kissing his shoulder as we moved in the water, “You want to go back to the tent?” I asked him.

“You mean…” I nodded my head as he trailed off, “You’re sure now? You’re sure you want to do that?”

“I think we can pick up where we left off,” I muttered kissing his chin the hair there tickling my lips making me laugh, “I’d like to. Really.”

He sighed looking at me and then nodded his head climbing up onto the pier and then holding out his arm helping me climb up myself. We had barely made it to the tree line when he wrapped his hands around me as we walked causing my knees to go weak.

“Oh my god,” I managed to mutter as I started panting.

“Feels good?” he muttered into my neck.

“Y…you could say that,” I said.

“You want to make me feel that?” he asked me to which I nodded my head.

I wanted to worship his cock. Get on my knees and take it in all the way, tastes all of him. He had a glorious …package. His balls plump and young covered with a good amount of downy curly hair. His size was probably just above average but to me, it seemed impressive.

Average penis size for most grown adult men is around just over six inches. Everyone apparently thinks it’s normal to have a penis above that when only 5 out of maybe 100 men have a penis that big. I’d seen a fair share of them by that time and what Beau had was very impressive. I would say it was probably close to seven inches.

Out of everyone I had been with I’d say the average was probably closer to six Lionel’s being slightly smaller than average but not super small. I could tell you reflexing back on how it felt at my marking that some of those guys were a lot bigger than average.

“Shouldn’t we go back to the tent?” I asked.

“I believe we should,” he agreed as we kept walking his hand making me feel like I was getting ready to enter heaven before he pulled away as the tent came into view, “I love you.”

He had barely whispered it as he climbed in behind me zipping the tent up and sealing us away inside. The way he said it wasn’t creepy like them, it was nothing like them. It was a whisper, a promise and not a threat. He laid on top of me, kissing me his mouth tasting warm like hot dogs and marsh mellows. It was an interesting taste but not unpleasant. My body responding to his hands moving up and down my sides as I wrapped my legs around his waist, as I kissed back us only breaking apart when we were breathless.

I was painfully hard. I had never felt that in a pleasant way but it made me want him. Want to be with him, want to feel all of him as he looked at me, his eyes sparkling as I ran my hand through his newly sheered hair. It was cut close to his head almost like a military haircut. If you think of someone who looks like Hoyt Fortenberry from True blood that’s almost exactly what Beau looked like just a little more Athletic with a thinner nose. He was fucking …I hate to call people perfect but, he was very nice looking. Just looking at him made me ache in a good way that I had never experienced before with anyone.

“You’re sure?” he asked me his face going soft, serious as he caressed my cheek pulling away.

“Aye,” I said nodding my head enthusiastically. 

I wanted him. I wanted to feel him everywhere, taste him everywhere. I wanted to be a part of him. Every cell in my body shivering with the want, the excitement as he looked at me. Not judging me but, examining me, his eyes soft, expressing not want or lust or need but, love.

“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “You want to… do that thing again?”

“Yes,” I said maneuvering myself so I was on top of him again, sucking at him vigorously.

His back arched pushing his hips forward pushing him into my mouth. He tasted so good. So amazing. His lips wrapping around me causing me to moan around him. Now this, I thought, this is what it’s supposed to be like. Warm and soft and loving, not like them. Not cold and hard making you feel sick to your stomach. Making you wish you were anywhere else.

With Beau at that moment, I couldn’t imagine being anywhere but with him. Wanting to even think about being anywhere else. Eventually whatever he was doing started to build that warmness in my pelvis making it hard to concentrate on what I was doing. Or attempting to do pushing my body to the point where it released him making an amused sound in the back of his throat as he cleaned me up with his mouth before he stopped him silent before he started giggling breathlessly.

“What’s so funny?” I asked even though I myself was starting to giggle.

“Well, I can see why people like that,” he said, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I said flipping over so we were face to face me holding his face in both my hands before I kissed him.

I could taste myself on his tongue and it didn’t taste bad but, strange. It was different not nearly as salty as I thought it would be. Him smiling before rubbing my shoulders, “We can stop here. We don’t have to go any farther. Nothing you don’t want.”  
“I want you inside me,” I said feeling my face heat up and my breath catch the words coming out before I could stop them.

“Don’t go all shy now,” he said smiling up at me, “If you want to I will but, I don’t want to pressure ya none.”

“You won’t,” I said, “Can I…lead though?”

“Lead?” he asked me, “How do you do that?”

“Well, I can show you. I know how to do it in theory just never been allowed to before,” I said quietly.

“Whatever you want,” he said nodding his head his mouth slightly agape as I ground on his lap.

He was still hard. He had told me he had no experience. That the first blow job I had ever given him was his first blow job ever. So, he had no idea what he was doing. He knew I did though.

It wasn’t something we had gone into too much detail about but I had confessed to him that we had left home, run away from it because of my Da because he believed things that were bad, that hurting children were bad. One time he had snuck up on James and scared him so bad he had peed his pants and that’s when I had taken the time to explain to him that someone sneaking up on us in our house before had never been a good thing. That Da had done terrible things to us, forced us to do terrible things with other people. The next day he had given James a stuffed animal and a bag of M&M’s. The look on Jay’s face telling me he was in love too.

So, it was something he knew. That I had experience even if it wasn’t a lot it was a lot more than he had. He trusted me. He trusted me to show him what felt good. Not just to me but what I thought would feel good to him. Me moving and grabbing a condom which he ripped open excitedly and put on. By then he looked painfully hard, red and swollen. His whole body shaking with excitement just like mine was as he looked at me.

“Ok just huh,” I said straddling his hips resting my knees on each side of his waist as I put his hands on my butt, “And then I’m pretty sure I …” I said reaching back and trying to find a way to move, trying to find the right angle before I started sliding down hissing slightly because I hadn’t stretched. 

“HOLY FUCK!” Beau screamed, “What… that’s…”

“Mhm,” I said nodding my head as I bit my bottom lip in concentration waiting for the burn to pass a little bit before I slide the rest of the way down causing him to bottom out feeling his scrotum resting up against me while he was inside.

“Are you ok Billy?” he asked me, “I’m not hurting, right?”

“It’s always a little uncomfortable for a minute. Just wait…” I mumbled kissing him as he held me.

“You’re the one in charge here. You move wrong I think you could snap me in half. I can understand why people like this. It’s like a very tight warm hug in the best way,” he said.

For me, it didn’t feel that way. I mean it didn’t feel bad. Usually, them grinding and pushing hard into me before I was ready when this way with his hands on my butt rubbing in massaging it, otherwise being completely still inside of me it was relaxing. It was comforting and calm him waiting for me to make a move. Waiting for me to decide when and if I was ready. Me pulling up slightly before allowing gravity to pull me back down both of us squeaking slightly.

“Is it bad? Did I…?”

“No,” I shook my head, “You didn’t hurt it just takes a second.”

“Billy maybe we should stop,” he told me kissing my neck and chin, “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You aren’t,” I assured him, “If you were I would stop I just have to…”

I rolled my hips him brushing up against that spot nearly making my eyes roll. Now that felt GOOD. Probably the biggest difference was I wanted it to happen, I wanted to be there. I wanted to feel him inside me. Him not forcing me or pushing me into it or telling me if I didn’t do it he’d go make someone else. It felt good, amazing. Him muttering something under his breath as he kissed my chest his hands running over my backside.

“What?” I asked him.

“They say that sinning feels good. I can see why everyone says this is the biggest one,” he muttered before kissing up and down my neck as I started moving bouncing. It was like I had shooting stars in my body each little brush light, so light it left me craving more, wanting more. Wanting to beg for more. 

Nothing like them. The way they pushed hard. The way they pushed so hard it was too much. It almost felt like being electrocuted. Not this though. This was slow every brush like a little tingle. Each time it getting a little stronger Beau starting to elevate his hips each time I bounced up like he was trying to stay there, stay on that spot our gasping and moaning getting louder and louder the more he brushed and rubbed inside of me.

“Yes Billy, that’s it oh holy mother yes,” he moaned before shoving his tongue in my mouth both of bodies slowing and stopping. He moved pulling out pulling me flat on top of him, holding me as we laid our foreheads against each other, our eyes closed breathing heavy. 

It didn’t make me feel gross at all. It felt amazing, different. It didn’t hurt and it didn’t make me feel like a slut. It felt…real.

“Billy?” I heard him ask his voice sounding worried, “Billy babe, what’s wrong? Don’t cry talk to me. Did I do something wrong?”

I shook my head smiling, “No, you did everything so right Beau. So right.”

“Then why are you crying?” he asked me to which I laughed a little bit.

“Because it felt so good,” I said.

“Aww babe,” he said, “It did feel good yes.”

“Can I show you something?” I asked him, “It feels different from what I understand the…” I felt my face going red just thinking about it, “The inside compared to the…”

“Ah,” he said nodding his head, “Well when we agreed I didn’t think I was only gonna be pitching but aren’t you kind of…”

“There are other ways,” I said rolling off him and grabbing the tube next to us, “Spread your legs.”

“Wait, if it feels real different is that why you don’t…?”

We had talked about that before. How I didn’t like mouths near my back area because of certain experiences.

“Well, this part I couldn’t reach with my tongue. That’s a whole different issue,” I said smiling sheepishly, “How much do you know about your anatomy.”

“I know you aren’t supposed to stick things up there because it’s a sin. Or at least that’s what they tell us so we won’t do it. You know how many horror stories they tell us about guys who have decided to mess around with their back ends on their own? Getting stuff stuck up there? Sounds painful. Even though I didn’t get stuck up there.”

“Well I think they mean like toys and stuff and if those aren’t shaped right they can get lost. So then yeah you end up seeing a doctor,” I explained, “But I was going to…”

I moved him allowing me to bend his knees as I sat between them tickling his taint with my fingers his eyes going wide.

“OH!” he said, “I can see why some people might…”

“This is nothing,” I said, “If you do it right…” I said sliding my finger in slowly.”

“I think I have to…,” he started to mumble his first turning red as he let me penetrate him.

“No, it just feels like that while you get to used to it. It takes a minute. Just breath,” I said nodding my head as he inhaled deeply and rounded his lips to exhale lying flat on his back, “There. Now if you just…” I started working my finger slowly. It felt weird. Like a little blub or something almost. I had never felt one personally. It was soft and squishy.

“Holy fucking shit,” he said his body clenching, “hot damn.”

“That’s your prostate,” I said, “if you hit it right it feels really nice. But you have to be very very gentle otherwise it feels like getting electrocuted and not in a good way.”

I moved my finger in slow circles him slapping his hand over his mouth as he started almost whining his hips rolling and moving as I moved my finger in and out adding another one. Before then he had gone soft. Having finished but he was starting to perk back up as I brushed against that spot his eyes closed clenched tight as he tried not to moan loudly. His O face was great. I had never seen anything so wonderful me doing my best not to laugh as he moved his hips forcing my fingers up against that spot causing him to squeak.

It was actually fun knowing I was making him make those sounds. He had never had that part of him played with before, stimulated him moaning and muttering “shit” occasionally, quietly until white luminescence squirted from him all over his stomach leaving him breathless.

“That was…I understand why they don’t why they tell us that’s a sin too,” He said laughing, “How did you figure out how to do that?”

Honestly, I had just done what I imagined wanting someone to do to me. If I could have let them. In my experience fingers and tongues hurt. Even if not physically they hurt in so many ways. Lionel always pushing and pushing so hard with his fingers and then his mouth until…until my body collapsed on itself and then taking what he wanted. My body already jelly from coming making it easier from him to do other things because my body was so numb I couldn’t tense up. I couldn’t fight him off.

It wasn’t just Lionel’s strength it was the way he did it. Pushing my body to a point where I couldn’t even feel it. Pushing me to a point where I was too tired to keep trying to fight him, where all I could do was close my eyes and cry. Close my eyes and wait for him to stop.

“Billy, you’re ok,” Beau said hugging me pulling me down into his arms, “It’s ok Billy. It’s ok.”

“I…,” I started crying, “I just…I imagined what I wanted it to feel like. If someone was…,” I muttered.

“Shh…I can make you feel like that. Not right now cause I can’t feel my legs. I almost feel like I should check and make sure they’re still there but, I’m sure they are. No one will ever hurt you like that again. I won’t ever let them. You matter to me and I won’t ever let no one hurt you like that again. Not anyone,” he told me hugging me, “It’s ok. Just let it out.”

“I just wish they…they cared. They don’t even…I was nothing.”

“No,” Beau said shaking his head rubbing my back as he held me, “No you weren’t ever nothing Billy. Not ever. Anyone who ever thought that was too stupid to know what to do with a chicken if it was cooked. You’re everything. To me,” he whispered into my shoulder, “You’re everything.”

Hearing him say that calmed me down. That I wasn’t just a person or an object. That I wasn’t his but that I was everything. That I mattered enough to him that he didn’t want to hurt me. That he didn’t want me to feel bad. That he wanted me to feel good and he wanted me to feel good because I wanted to. He didn’t want to make me feel good because he wanted to get off. Because it excited him or gave him control. He wanted me to feel good for me and not for any other reason. Him grabbing the open side of the sleeping bag and pulling it over us so we were covered and snuggled inside of it. Him holding me and rubbing my back telling me it was ok. That he loved me and that no one would ever do that to me again.

That he wouldn’t let them. Making promises I was sure he couldn’t keep, vowing to be my protector. Vowing to do everything he could to help me. We must have fallen asleep like that because next thing I remember the sun was shining through the canvas of the tent waking us up. Him sitting up and rubbing my back before kissing my forehead.

“We should get gone,” he said, “Get dressed.

“What if I don’t want to?” I asked him.

I heard his smile as he replied, “Everyone will see the tent soon. Someone’ll come round. Find us naked and then…well, I’ll be having an awfully long week in a jail cell more than likely.”

That woke me up, “What?”

“Well…I ain’t stupid,” he said, “I might be crazy but I ain’t stupid. My daddy’ll skin me alive five ways to Sunday. Not to mention everyone else.”

I sighed grabbing his arm and wrapping it around my shoulders, “I don’t want to go home yet. It’s so loud there.”

“Those kids love you,” he told me, “Your mama going go to work around noon and it’s like what? 10am?”

“Somewhere around there,” I answered yawning.

“Come on,” he said untangling himself from me and getting up getting his clothes on, “We gotta go. Maybe we can do this again.”

“I would like it. To do this again,” I said, “Meet you in the morning head off and come back after 6.”

“That would be awesome. I could come out here on my own, set up camp. Do some fishing, give you good fire cooked fish for supper. Settle back in…,” he muttered kissing me before he threw my shirt at my face.

“All right,” I said, “I wouldn’t be coming out here until after 10 though. They’re mostly asleep by then and Heather has gone home.”

“Ok, get dressed we’ll get home,” he said.

Once I was out of the tent and dressed he took it down. Packing it back up before he threw it in the back of his truck. Driving me home while he held my hand until we got to the edge of town. We always tried our best to be careful to make sure no one knew. That everyone just thought he was mentoring me kind of. Even then though we tried to be careful about who knew about the time we spent together, Mitch being the only one that knew how we met every morning and drove out to the lake to fish together. Or at least that’s what Beau always told him we were doing when he showed up around 11.

He dropped me off at my driveway heading over to Mitch’s as I opened the door.

“Where’s mum?” I asked.

“At work, where were you?” John asked where he was cuddling with Heather on the couch.

“Spend the night in a tent with a bunch of friends,” I said before I felt someone run head first into my stomach hugging me.

“You missed it we watched the Lion King,” James said before frowning up at me.

“What?” I asked him.

He just shook his head walking away. I wasn’t sure what I had done to offend him before John got up walking over to me looking at me closely his eyes going wide before he pulled on my V-neck t-shirt shaking his head, “Bathroom, now.”

I looked down my face heating up. Fuck. Fuck. I had at least three hickeys one of which you could easily see John probably not noticing right away when I walked in the house because he was too busy looking at Heather to notice him only speaking once the bathroom door was shut behind him.

“Where the fuck did you find a boyfriend Will?” he asked me.

“I don’t…”

“You smell and that’s a hickey. I’ve had enough of them to know what they look like. Where did you find a boyfriend? The only three people you hand out with are Becky, Mitch and…,” his mouth went open, “I’m going fucking kill him.”

“Jack it’s not…”

“FUCK IT’S NOT!” he shouted, “No, he’s not allowed to do that with you. You’re my brother.” 

“I’m mine! And how the hell do you know anything? Who are you talking about?”

“I’ve seen the way he looks at you Will like them!” he accused, “I told mum he was bad news. That she shouldn’t let you hang out with them so much. I fucking knew it.”

“You can’t tell mum,” I said shaking my head, “They’ll kill him, his parents will kill him.”

“I’ll kill him first. You’re 11! Jesus fucking Christ!” John swore.

“It’s not like that,” I said.

“Yeah, I’m sure it’s not like that. You smell like sex. Why do you think James got so upset? He remembers what that smells like. He was surrounded by it all the time for years. You think he’s just going to forget what that smells like the smell of dried…”

“Woah! It wasn’t…,” John cut me off.

“DON’T LIE! Don’t. I don’t care what you think. That is not ok. I don’t care if you think he’s your boyfriend or whatever he’s just as bad as they are!” he shouted.

“He’s not,” I shook my head vigorously, “He’s like Pat. Nothing I didn’t want. He asked me several times if I was…”

“YOU’RE FUCKING 11!!!” John said, “You can’t say yes! Legally you can’t say yes and you know that. You fucking know that.” 

“And neither can you!” I pointed out, “Don’t you dare tell me I can’t when I know you have. There’s nothing different about it.”

“What happened there, that’s my business and we were the same age. He’s fucking 16 Will! He’s 16!! You’re 11!!” he said his volume starting to rise again.

“And what I just did was mine. He might be 16 but he wasn’t 60!” I shouted, “I wanted to. He didn’t make me!! I wanted to!! And it was nice and it…why the fuck are we talking about this?”

“Because it’s you,” John said, “He took advantage of you. He knows better. You’re 11 and he fucking knows better. Is he out there? Is he at Carmen’s? I’m going to fucking…”

I sighed closing my eyes before I heard John open the bathroom door taking off down the hallway.

“JOHN! JOHN!” I said feeling myself panic.

Jesus fucking Christ my older brother was going to get his ass handed to him. FUCK! No one could know about this. No one. They would send him away. They would kill him! I didn’t want him dead. I loved him. I barely made it to the front door as Heather was yelling at John. Asking him what was wrong as he walked out onto the porch in his socks getting ready to go across the street.

“STOP! I’m sorry ok! I’m sorry! I…please I’m begging you don’t. Don’t,” I said crying, “Don’t I’m sorry ok? I just wanted to one time. Because you know…you know that…”

“What? That they’re looking for us? Yes, I’m aware but that doesn’t mean you go…you do that. NEVER ok? Never! How on earth am I supposed to protect you if you don’t …if you don’t care about yourself?”

“Jack, what’s going on?” Heather asked him from the door.

“Please John,” I said shaking my head, “Please just…let me have this.”

“John, Will? What’s happening? What’s…”

“Never again,” John said staring at me hard, “Never again. It happens again I will tell mum and I will…” he drew his finger across his throat and pointed at Mitch’s house nodding his head, “You understand?”

“Aye,” I said starting to calm down, “I get it.”

“Fucking…Heather now that he’s here let’s go to your house. I need to get out of here,” John said.

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on baby?” Heather asked hugging him.

“Maybe later,” he muttered, “I just need some air.”

“Yeah sure baby,” Heather said kissing his cheek, “Let’s get our shoes and go for a walk. We can hang out at my place Daddy’s at work all day and you know mama she’ll be up at the church doing whatever.

They left leaving me there sitting on the couch Mike sighing as he came out of our room, “What did you do? You were screaming.”

“Something Jack thought was stupid,” I answered.

“Is this about Beau?” Mike asked me causing me to gape at him and shake my head.

“Well you do hang out with him a lot,” he said, “I’ve seen him he drives you home all the time. You walk places with him…you…he’s not one of them, is he?”

“NO,” I said shaking my head, “Beau is not anything like Da and his friends. No one here is.”

“Why do they want to hang out with you all the time though and not us? You’re not that much older than the rest of us,” Mike pointed out.

“It’s not that,” I said.

“If it’s not that then why do you have a love bite?” he asked me pointing at my chest.

“That’s not what it is, it’s a bruise. I got bit by a bug,” I said trying to think of the most valid excuse I could wondering if concealer would actually work or if we even had any.

“Must have been some big horny bug,” Mike muttered.

“MIKE! Mind your own business,” I hissed.

“Mummy’s going to be mad,” Mike said.

“Why because I might have let someone kiss me?” I asked him.

“You do realize you aren’t that sneaky, right? You smell like stink,” he muttered.

“Dude,” I said shaking my head, “Ok I’m going to go shower and you’re going to leave me alone. I’m in charge today.”

That was the last anyone asked me about it for a while. So, they all knew I was seeing someone and apparently John knew who it was and that we had engaged in sex acts. But, he didn’t say anything to anyone. We kept hanging out. John the only one who knew anything about what Beau and I had done but not knowing that we met up every morning as Carmen watched the babies and John went to summer school me always coming home in the evenings beside the one.

It was probably two weeks later me waiting until Heather left and sneaking out my back-window Beau driving us out to our spot the tent already set up which he had done earlier the moment we were in the tent him starting to undress me as we made out. It felt so good to be close to him like that. We were always careful if we weren’t in the tent watching to make sure no one was around to see us kiss, making sure if we did make out it wasn’t for long.

I don’t know why John never told mum but he hadn’t. Not at that point. It wasn’t like we had sex all over the place our number of times having actual only once. It felt good having his hands against my skin again. I had missed being able to touch him, to feel him.

We had been way more careful since John had found my hickeys me telling John we were no longer hanging out as much as we had been which had been true to a point me going “fishing” with him every other morning instead of every morning. I think John still knew we were hanging out but he was too busy with school and Heather to really care. It was better that way though. It meant he wasn’t going to ask me questions.

“I have a question,” Beau said looking at me, “Now before you say yes or no I want you to really think about it. What you did was so amazing…it was…can I do that to you? I want to make you feel that.”

“I did,” I said, “When you were inside me.”

He nodded his head, “Ok. You want to do it that way again?”

“Hell yes,” I said nodding my head as he pulled his shirt off laying on top of me going back to kissing me.

It was the same as it had been before. Slow and passionate and right. It felt good and of course, I looked forward to doing it again but we both know it was after one his watch glowing in the darkness of our tent lighting up the numbers as we cuddled.

“Babe, we need to talk about something,” he said.

“Jack again? I told you he’s not…,” Beau cut me off.

“Mitch,” he muttered turning onto his side to look at me better, “He’s beginning to suspect some stuff. Keeps asking me why you’re hanging around all the time. Why I go places with just you. Schools gonna be starting soon.”

“I know,” I said nodding my head, “We talked about it remember? Less time together to make sure no one…”

“Tans my hide and then throws me to the wolves? Yeah,” he said, “I think we have one more camping trip before things slow down. And I’ll be busy with school next year, busier than the noisy neighbor who can’t keep their eyes on their own side of the fence. Schools are gonna be looking at me for college and what not. I love you but…,” 

I sighed. I knew it was going to end. I wasn’t stupid. I knew I was young I didn’t think it’d last forever. It still made me sad to hear him say it though. Hear him admit that he knew it too. I hugged him.

“I’m going to miss you too. I understand though,” I said.

“I don’t want to stop this. I really don’t. I love you I do just…there’s going to be so much going on and your brother is going to be going to school with me. And Heather and Jason. Speaking of I was over there the other day after John left and Jason found something…he and Mitch fought over it.”

“Found what?” I asked him.

“Well, you told me about your Daddy. They found a website said your mama ran away with y’all. That it was dangerous cause she was sick. Mentally ill or something. Mitch and Jason fought over it tooth and nail. Your picture was right there. Jack’s too. I didn’t tell them anything. That’s personal that’s not…no one needs to know. But I thought I’d tell you your Daddy is looking for you hard,” Beau told me.

“Ok,” I said, “I’ll tell my mum in the morning.”

“What time is she getting home?” he asked me.

“Around 10 am,” I answered.

“Carmen is supposed to be watching them in the morning. Us, I figured I’d come home around 8. Carmen usually checks in at 5 and stays until around 7. John’ll cover for me. Even if he doesn’t know it yet.”

“Won’t Jack be mad about that?” Beau asked me.

“Yeah but you basically just said what we were both thinking with school coming around. We can maybe do this one more time. So, might as well let him be a little mad about it. It’s not a big deal. By the time I get back, he’ll be at school anyway so he’ll have to wait to hell at me,” I told him kissing him, “I’m going to miss you.”

“I’m gonna miss you too Billy,” Beau said kissing me, “Let’s hit the hay.”

I agreed rolling over so my back was to him as he wrapped me in his big strong arms us falling asleep in record time. The things I would change if I had known then what I know now. I would have never left. I would have never fallen asleep. I would have stared at his face all night and the moment he woke up I would have asked him to run away. To leave with me. To leave that place and never go back. Or at least, I like to think I would have. 

That’s not what happened though.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peace is shattered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 703 to 719 **Warnings: rape/non-con, threats, bullying, manipulation, forced voyeurism, forced rimming, forced anal, forced Oral, forced kissing, very young kids watching, humiliation, anxiety, mental health issues** Yeah I told you Montana would be brief so here you go it's over. Very sad and abrupt ending.

He had set an alarm for 6:30 us taking our time waking up getting up and going outside in the nude to relieve ourselves before crawling back in the tent before…spending more time together him moaning happily. I still swear to this day I could feel the vibrators of his hums and moans running through his whole body. Him running his hands gently through my hair as I pleasured him, his moans making his throat vibrate around me until we were both satisfied. By the time we were done nearly an hour had passed him hurrying me, promising me we’d try to meet again the next week before he drove me home.

When I got there, Carmen was standing in the driveway talking to some man in a suit shaking her head violently and yelling as he shoved a paper at her.

“She’s dangerous we need to take them,” the guy said me recognizing his voice instantly even though he only had spoken maybe two or three sentences to me the entire time I had known him. My inside going cold as I stood there frozen.

Beau must not have waited long enough to see my reaction I don’t think because I don’t believe he would have driven away so fast if he had seen that. Or maybe he had been afraid himself. Afraid that we were caught. That he was going to end up in jail somewhere. Just hearing Sergei talk made me dizzy. Someone coming out of the house that made it even worse. Me losing my ability to breathe completely as I stared at James his eyes wide and fearful as he came out of the house.

“Will,” he said smiling at me, his eyes raking my frame, “Are you ok? You’re Da is going to be so glad we found you. He’s been so worried about all of you.”

I wanted to scream at him that it wasn’t true. That Da didn’t care about us and we all knew it. He came up to and hugged me, holding me close before he picked me up just high enough he could whisper in my ear, “He’s so mad at you baby but don’t worry. I’ll take care of you when he’s done.”

“Uncle Ben please…please just pre…”

“I can’t do that. You know I can’t do that and why would I want to?” he asked me, “James do you have the toys?”

James nodded his head staring at the duffle he was straining to carry. His arms were shaking. It looked like his legs were shaking. He was just as scared as I was Carmen yelling something at Sergei. The world turning gray, dying.

Everything felt fuzzy. Everything was so wrong. Everything. I just wanted to go away. I grabbed the duffle from James and pulled him to me, wrapping my arms around him, “It’s ok bud. We’ll be ok.”

He shook his head. Even he could tell this wasn’t ok. That this was as far from ok as we could be. Some guy came out of the house carrying Mary and Seamus in their carriers. I didn’t know this guy. I had never met him. His hair was gelled back. He looked like he was around Da’s age. Me realizing…he had been alone with them…with them in the…in the house. 

“Relax, he didn’t do anything,” Ben tried to assure me.

I didn’t trust anything Ben ever said. All he did was lie and hurt people. Even his own boss. The guy I supposedly belonged to. The guy that I was…I felt like I had gotten punched in the stomach me falling to my knees Ben catching me, “It’s baby I’ve got you. You’re ok.”

No, no I wasn’t ok. He was going to kill me. I smelled like sex and sweat, someone else’s…Lionel was going to see me and he was going to kill me. Or worse, kill someone else. Kill someone because of me. 

“Willy,” James said quietly grabbing my hand, “I’m right here.”

He was there, but Mike and Matt and John…me sighing catching my breath when I realized Matt was still in hospital and John was at school and then me feeling like I was going to faint when I realized Mike wasn’t…Mike wasn’t around.

“Where’s Mikey?” I asked.

“Don’t worry about Mikey he’s fine,” Uncle Ben said trying to help me to my feet.

“No! Where is MIKE! UNCLE BEN, WHERE IS HE? WHERE…,” The guy who had just pulled open the van door sighed heavily before he cut me off.

“He’s fine kid. He’s not your problem. Your problems are a whole world away from where your brother is,” the guy hissed.

I knew he was right. Whoever he was, he was right. My problems were a fucking mountain even without worrying about Mike and how he was, where he was if someone had…the guy left leaving the van door open Matt sitting in one of the seats pouting. It was like a tourist van. A 12-seater like ours but it had Avis car rental on the side.

Matt didn’t look happy the guy returning with Andy handing him off to Uncle Ben who smiled at me as he took Andy to the car leaving me standing there listening to Carmen argue with Sergei. the police pulled up and talked to the two of them as James and I climbed into the car. I didn’t know how they didn’t know where John was or why they weren’t going to go get mum but Uncle Ben came out Mike dragging his feet behind Uncle Ben. They both got into the car and Uncle Ben drove away with us and one simple solitary duffle all of us quiet even the babies. 

“Where are we going?” I heard Catty whisper quietly.

“Home you idiot. Where else would we be going?” Matt snapped.

“Watch your tone,” Uncle Ben shot back, “You four have nothing to worry about.”

“There’s 10 of us,” James said quietly.

“You mean in the van? Yeah, I know. The little ones don’t have anything to worry about either,” Uncle Ben muttered as he pulled out of the park and down the road.

“You mean Willy?” Mike said quietly, “Why does he have to worry?”

“That’s for Will to keep in mind. Don’t ask questions. You do what I tell you, you’ll all get home just fine. We’re riding a private jet back so it’ll make things easier if you just do what I tell you.”

“Why because there’s no one to stop you? You’ll leave them alone,” Matt said sounding a lot braver than I felt.

Uncle Ben smiled looking at us in the rearview mirror, “Relax Matty you can help if you’re good.”

At that Matt got a confused look on his face and then smiled widely nodding his head.

“Always my man huh? Your Da will be so happy to see you. He’s been worried about you, you know? All of you but especially you,” Uncle Ben said to him.

Matt’s eyes lit up, “Really?” he asked his voice sounding surprised excited.

“Yeah Matt, me and your Da we know your special. He loves you so much. He’s missed you a ton he’s been worried about what your mum has been doing to you. I’m so glad we got you out of that place. Now you’ll be going home where you don’t have to worry about any of those lies they were telling you. Just remember you’re special. There’s nothing wrong with you ok?”

“So, all the stuff they told me about how it’s wrong to love my brothers they were…,” 

“They were lying,” Uncle Ben said nodding his head, “Trying to trick you and make you think like everyone else. Your Da and I, we want you to think for yourself. You know in your heart there’s nothing wrong with it. Don’t ever let anyone tell you different.”

Right there. I thought Matt was gone before but with those words, I knew there was no going back for him. That those words had undone nearly six months of therapy. It was too much. Mum wasn’t there, John wasn’t there. What if they were going to kill them. They had to know that Mum was the reason we had left. What if…?

I started crying. I felt like something was sitting on my chest crushing my lungs. They were going to kill her. We were never going to see her again. We were never going to see mum again.

“You did this to your fucking self!” Uncle Ben spat at me, “Knock the fuck off and buck up. Be a man like your brothers.”

He was going to kill mum and then he was going to torture everyone and then…Then he was…I closed my eyes trying to focus on Beau. Trying to remember what that felt like. What it was supposed to feel like. Not what he did.

At least I had that. That’s all I could think. At least I had that. At least I knew what real sex felt like before I died. What it was supposed to feel like and not…not like what they did. I cried the whole way to the airport knowing I was in trouble.  
I knew I was in serious trouble. He had found me. It was because he wanted me back that they had found me. I wanted my mum. We hadn’t even been allowed to say goodbye. He was going to kill her and we hadn’t been allowed to…say goodbye.

“It’s ok Willy,” James said as we pulled into the airport, “We’re together so we’ll be ok.”

“Ok guys come on, on the plane,” Uncle Ben said as we pulled up to the airport him grabbing my arm hard and forcing me out of the van, “You fucking stand here you understand me. You’re lucky he’s letting me handle you and not someone else.”

That sent a chill down my spine making me freeze as he unbuckled my seat belt. He was…no. God no. No, I remember that one-word flashing in my head like a light up sign. Him taking the babies out of the van and setting them on the pavement around us as Cat and James clung to me. Clinged to me like their lives depended on it. I just wanted mum and John. I didn’t want to be there someone coming up to us in a golf cart Sergei smiling at us and waving before he grabbed Mary and Shay in their carriers and started up the stairs leading to the plane Uncle Ben turning around leaving the conversation he was having with some guy, probably the Pilot for a moment, “Why don’t you follow him, take up Mac? The twins can help…well, the twins.”

I sighed not wanting to move but grabbing Mac’s carrier anyway still finding it heavy but not as heavy as it had been in the past. All summer mum had kept telling me every time she turned around John and I were taller and stronger. It seemed like she had barely seen us. She had been working her ass off. Trying to save money for us so we could leave. So, we could leave the states and get away. We had just run out of time.

I managed Mac’s carrier just fine on my own. I didn’t feel taller or stronger. I had never felt more small and weak in my life as I did getting on that plane. Going back to that, to them. My whole body shaking as I got on the plane. It was a big plane.

I didn’t expect it to look like it did but there were enough seats for everyone and then another area behind a curtain Sergei pulling the curtain aside.

“All sit,” he said in his heavily accented voice.

“Why do you talk funny?” Cat asked him suddenly.

“Cat, no,” Mike said sitting down next to her and shaking his head, “Sorry sir.”

“It’s ok, she’s child. I come from long way from here. Called Russia. You know about Russia?” he asked her smiling at her.

“No,” she said, “What’s it like?”

“It can be sad place. Lots of sad children. Lots of sad people,” he muttered, “It’s ok though I’m here now. Very happy here. Here they have happy children and happy people.”

“I don’t think Will’s very happy,” James said quietly snuggling up to me.

I still hadn’t stopped crying had just been finding it easier to cry silently. Cat and James sticking close to me Andy and Laura staying as close to me as they could since it seemed like every time they moved there were buckled back down.

“No,” Sergei shook his head, “He’s happy he just doesn’t know it. Lots of people look for him, care about him. It’s something to be happy about.”

“Is he talking about the bad man?” James asked quietly before someone shut the door Ben shooting us a look.

“You don’t call him that James. He’s not bad at all. You can call him the Leader, Mr. Lord or Lionel I don’t want to hear you call him that again. If he ever hears it he’ll be very mad and you think he was mean before you don’t want to make him angry isn’t that right, Will?” Uncle Ben said as he sat down buckling himself in.

“Ok, I’m huh, here. Stay seated and buckled in until I tell you when you're free to move around,” A guy in a uniform told us, “enjoy your flight and settle in. We have about six hours together.”

He sighed walking off into the cockpit. Uncle Ben looked around and then cleared his throat, “Sergei did you talk to him? What did he say?”

“He said it’s ok that he wants everything ready,” Sergei told him.

“Good. We’re going home to your Da. He really missed you guys,” he said.

“But especially me, right?” Matty asked.

“Yes, Matty that’s what I said in the car didn’t I?” Uncle Ben asked him smiling. It only took about half an hour to get up in the air at that point.

“Ok, boys come with me,” Uncle Ben said once the pilot told us we were free to unbuckle ourselves, “Sergei if you could please turn on a movie for the others.”

“Which boys?” Matt asked.

“The four that don’t always need someone to hold their hands and help them walk,” Uncle Ben said his eyes going cold as he smiled at them, “Come on…this way.”

He walked through the curtain area Mike making a noise of surprise and stepping back before Uncle Ben grabbed his arm making him move forward again, “NOW!”

I sighed looking back at Sergei who was talking quietly with Cat about only god remembers him waving me forward with his hand. This wasn’t good. Before we had left they had started getting rougher, weirder. Until I was Lionel’s. Grabbing me and kissing me in front of my brothers any chance they could. Especially if mum wasn’t around. At least until Da had left for New York.

“Baby, could you shut the curtain?” Uncle Ben muttered to me.

“Why do you call him that?” Mike asked him.

“What?” Uncle Ben asked.

“You call him baby,” Mike said, “Why do you call him that?”

“Well, I could call him cum bag if you like. I just think baby is more enduring,” Uncle Ben said smiling widely as Mike frowned at him and James grabbed Mike’s hand, “You three sit on the floor.”

I hugged myself. This was bad. Whatever this was it was bad and I didn’t want to do it. They all sat down. Not questioning him. Not even daring to question him. James had probably heard enough stories about him even though as far as I knew he had never touched James.

“You, come here,” Uncle Ben said as he sat on the bed taking off his shirt and starting to undo his belt.

“Uncle Ben, what are you doing?” Mike asked quietly.

“Teaching, now you keep your mouth shut unless you have a smart question to ask. You, baby come on, come here.”

I didn’t want to go to him. This was bad. He was going to do something bad. I could see it in the way he was still smiling at me, his eyes cold. I didn’t want to go to him.

“You know how this works, come here,” he said again causing me to gulp.

That was his warning. That it was going to be me or it was going to be someone else. I walked forward slowly him taking off his pants and getting naked as he sat on the bed me sitting at the foot of it.

“No properly,” he said, “Don’t play shy. I’ve missed you come here.”

Was he going to…in front of them? I wanted to scream. That was not ok. They were my little brothers that wasn’t ok at all. They were my little brothers. If he was going to do that fine but not in front of them. Never in front of them.

“Uncle Ben?” I asked doing as I was told and sliding closer to him.

He straddled my hips smiling at me as he grabbed the hem of my shirt, “Yeah baby?” he asked.

“Can…,” I sighed not sure how to word it because I wasn’t allowed to say no. I knew I wasn’t allowed to say no. That saying no would probably get them hurt just as bad as whatever he was about to do to me, “Can they go in the other room?”

“No,” he said shaking his head as he threw my shirt on the floor, “No this is a teaching moment. Now you guys remember what your Da talked to you about. About real love and how you express real love?”

“By making each other tickle?” Mike asked his voice quiet.

“Yes, that’s right and we practiced that together remember?” Uncle Ben asked to which Mike and Matt nodded their heads, “I’m going to show you something that you do when you really really love someone. When you really love them, you share your juice with them.”

“I share my Juice with Catty sometimes,” James said, “And then Andy but Andy more just take it from me.”

Uncle Ben laughed, “Not that kind of juice. You know how Da can make special juice is in his love muscle?” Uncle Ben asked them, “Most guys when they get older make juice like that. Sharing it with someone helps make them strong and grow nice and big, right? Well, I’m going to show you how you do that. How you share your juice.”

“We know how to do that,” Mike said, “You don’t need to show us.”

“Yes, I do. James hasn’t shared his juice with anyone,” Uncle Ben said, “So I’m going to show him how.”

“The b…the leader, he shared his juice with me. It really hurt though. Him and Daddy both said it doesn’t always hurt only the first couple of times because your body has to get used to the juice,” James said.

“That’s right,” Uncle Ben said kissing my cheek his hand going to my jeans.

I wanted to push him away but I knew better. He would hurt them somehow or do something else. Something that I knew none of us would like.

“Uncle Ben…,” I said, “Please...? Please?”

“I can handle this or he’ll let Sergei and there is a reason why people like Sergei for certain things. I’m sure you’ll eventually find out but, trust me you want me to deal with this not him,” Uncle Ben said, “Why don’t you stand up so we can take off your pants huh?”

My face was burning. I was humiliated. I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to do that with him in front of them. Everything he was saying was a lie. The same lies Da had fed me when he was trying to…when he was trying to get me used to the idea of having sex with him. The stuff he would say when he touched me when I was that age. Stuff I knew was wrong but felt too afraid to question.

“Uncle Ben I don’t think he wants to,” Mike said, “he’s crying.”

“He’s just nervous because you know what your Da says it’s supposed to be private time. He’s afraid that Da and his friend are going to be upset but they won’t. It’s ok baby,” he said, “Come on,”

I exhaled loudly standing up. He was going to make me do this. He was going to rape me in front of them. Make excuses for why I didn’t want to, none of which were going to be true. I did what I was told using my hands to cover myself.

“We’re all boys baby you don’t have to hide it,” Uncle Ben said grabbing my hands, “Don’t be difficult ok?”

I sighed putting my hands down. I hated being naked in front of them. They could see everything. The only thing I was thankful for was that Beau and I had used condoms. I wasn’t sure if he would be able to tell or if he would care that I’d had sex but I knew it wouldn’t good once it got out. That I had done something I wasn’t supposed to. With someone, they didn’t know and hadn’t given permission to. If it wasn’t bad enough we had left that would be it. Me having sex with someone when they hadn’t told me I could. That would be huge. Especially to Lionel who had claimed me.

He got upset thinking about Uncle Ben doing certain things I couldn’t imagine how angry he’d be if he found out I had done them with someone else. Uncle Ben kissed me, sliding his tongue into my mouth as my little brothers watched quietly from the floor him starting to grind against me as I had no choice but to sit there and let him, him running his hands over my collar bones down my sides and brushing his thumbs over my nipples.

“Ok, come here everyone,” he said all of them sighing as they stood up and came closer to the bed him climbing off my lap and grabbing something from the nightstand on the one side of the bed, “Now this…” he said grabbing my penis is his very cold hands, “As you know is the love muscle. You each of have one.”

I felt frozen and like I couldn’t breathe, “Obviously it looks a lot different from mine because as you get older it gets longer and bigger just like the rest of you and these…”

“Mmm,” I whimpered before I could stop myself as he lifted my penis touching underneath, touching my scrotum.

“It’s ok baby just relax,” Uncle Ben said to me, “Is your scrotum or your ball pouch. And I’m going to show you guys how to make that tickle.”

“You just suck on it,” Matt said, “you already showed us that, remember?”

“Matt, really?” Uncle Ben snorted at him, “We’re learning here ok? I haven’t shown James any of that. James, have you seen that? Has anyone shown you that?”

James’ face went bright red and he nodded his head. That didn’t surprise me. Knowing Lionel, it wasn’t surprising at all. If Lionel had raped him it was probably one of the first things Da and Lionel had done to him. Lionel liking to put the whole thing in his mouth at once. Sucking until it hurt. Until you couldn’t be quiet and your legs were shaking before he moved to other places, before his stuck his tongue…somewhere else.

“But yes, you can use your mouth like…,” he leaned over licking the area between my balls and the back of my penis. Causing me to clench my jaw and throw my head back.

I wasn’t ok with his mouth there especially with my brothers staring at him as he did it. Which I was sure they were considering I was too embarrassed to look and actually see if they were. Him doing it for a couple of minutes before he stopped.

“Did you see how he wiggled a little bit, James? That’s because it felt good. It can feel really nice to have someone play with that part. Didn’t you think it felt nice?”

I didn’t open my eyes but listened to the silence. The silence that told me maybe it had but he was ashamed to admit it. That he was ashamed to say anything about it. 

“Da said it was private,” He mumbled barely above a whisper.

“Usually it is yes but it can be something you share sometimes. Sometimes it feels nice to have friends or brothers join. Have everyone tickle each other…”

God no. I thought he wasn’t going to…he wasn’t going to make them, was he? No, no no. I remember thinking that him pointing to the area under that before he started speaking again.

“Now this I suppose is called the taint and that can be a fun spot to play with too and when you’re having private time this is…,” he pointed to my ass hole…” You know what it is Matty?”

“Your boy pussy?” Matt asked.

“Yes, that’s right. I’m glad you remembered,” Uncle Ben said, “Now this is where you put your love muscle when you want to share your juice with someone but before you do that you have to…”

“Stretch it so it doesn’t hurt,” Matt said to which Uncle Ben made a sound of agreement.

“That’s right and you can do that a number of ways. With your fingers which is the easiest, or with your tongue, with both your fingers and your tongue or with a toy.”

“A toy?” James asked.

Oh god. He didn’t know about toys. Had no one…I suppose that was something to be thankful for. That they hadn’t corrupted him like that yet.

“Toys hurt,” Mike said quietly, “I…I’m sorry Uncle Ben but…”

“Hey,” Uncle Ben said his tone short, clipped, “I’m sorry about that ok? I got excited and I didn’t…I was too eager, I went too fast. I’ve told you both that. That I’m sorry I hurt you ok? So, you need to let that go. You understand that?”

I opened my eyes in time to see Mike nod his head sadly Matt squeezing his hand in support. Matt didn’t like Uncle Ben touching Mike that was one of his biggest things in therapy. That Uncle Ben had hurt Mike because of me. Because he had been mad at me. For whatever imagined discrepancy I had made against Uncle Ben.

“If you want to use your tongue you just… baby hold your knees,” he said looking at me.

I didn’t want to do that. I hated that! I didn’t even let Beau do that.

“P…pl-please, Uncle Ben, please…,” I said my whole body starting to shake my body just feeling it as the realization hit me that he was going to…

“Now, calm…just relax baby. I know it feels nice you don’t have to beg me for it. Just lay back and hold your knees ok? Just relax,” he said as he moved the pillow that was behind my head making it so I was lying flat on my back, my brothers staring at me.

I clenched my eyes shut tight. I didn’t want to do this.

“Uncle Ben, Please,” I said again.

“Grab the back of your knees and I will baby I promise,” he said leaning beside me, pinching my nipples.

“PLEASE PLEASE DON’T! DON’T!” I said.

“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?” he said pinching my nipples hard.

“NO UNCLE BEN HE DIDN’T MEAN IT!” Mike said sounding like he was crying, “HE DIDN’T MEAN IT DON’T HURT HIM! DON’T HURT HIM!”

I heard the most pitiful sob breaking from James.

“Oh, I won’t hurt him,” Uncle Ben said, “This is a lesson for all of you, not just him. Matty, you want to help?”

“What do I do? Can I try it too? I’ve never done that to Mike,” I heard Matt say his voice sounding excited as he said it.

“Grab the back of his knee,” Uncle Ben said, “You hit your brother Will and I will make sure someone hurts you understand me?”

I didn’t open my eyes. I didn’t want to see them crying because of me. I didn’t want to see how they were looking at me. I didn’t want to see Matt smile like that as I felt his hand on my knee. They were going to make me do this. They were going to…I knew I couldn’t risk asking him not to again my whole body shaking as I cried as I listened to my little brother’s cry. And Matt was helping him. Matt putting his hand on the back of one my knees and forcing it up to my chest Ben continuing like he was teaching a fucking science class.

“Now…,” he continued, “Watch guys you just take your tongue and you circle…” he said as I felt his tongue circling around my hole causing me to lock my jaw again. He only did it for a second before he stopped, “That’s interesting,” he said before he went silent everyone going silent.

That’s when I realized. The only lube Beau and I had available was cherry flavored that he had stolen from what he said was his older sisters room. His older sister that was out of the house at the time. She had been away at college until late June and she was a part of the reason why he spent so much time out of the house that and he was a teenage boy. He could probably taste what remained of it. Of the favor that was there. 

I knew I was busted. That wasn’t good. That was bad, that was very very bad.

“We’ll worry about that later,” Ben said before he shoved his tongue into me causing me to make some sound behind between a hum and a whimper my body starting to heat up. My physical reaction starting to push through past the fear responding to the stimulation.

I heard a giggle before he spoke, “What? That was a funny sound. Don’t you guys think so?” Matt asked the other two he stayed so silent you could hear a pin drop.

“Now if you’re using your fingers you want to use plenty of lube so you don’t hurt anyone. If you hurt someone you can ruin the mood and you see how swollen his love muscle is becoming? That’s because it feels good. His body wants it. Doesn’t it baby? You want me to make love to you, don’t you?” he asked me as I kept my eyes closed Matt keeping his hand on the back of my knee.

“Uncle Ben?” I heard Mike ask timidly, “Could you please just…”

“You say it you’ll be the one hurting so think very carefully before you finish that question,” Uncle Ben warned his voice low, dangerous, “Now, where was I?” he asked before he made a sound, “Right so you want to use lube that way it’s nice in slick inside your or your friend’s boy pussy and then you just work it in nice and slow.”

He said as I felt a cold finger starting to work its way inside, “Yeah that’s it baby, fuck yourself on my fingers.” He said as I started moving my hips.

I did that because it was uncomfortable not because it felt good. That first penetration was always uncomfortable especially the way he did it, not really going slow him basically shoving his finger in all the way as fast as he could even as he said he was going to go nice and slow. 

I heard what sounded like whispering as Uncle Ben stopped moving his finger, “James share with the class,” Uncle Ben said.

“He wants to know what the difference is. Between fucking and…making love,” Mike asked.

“That’s a fair question,” Uncle Ben said, “Making love is slow usually. It’s like a candle I guess it moves slowly sometimes you face each other and it feels nice. Usually, you don’t use a condom which we’re going to talk about in a second.

It feels good and it’s about both parties letting their bodies feel good and going until everyone has all their juice gone. Until they’ve shared all of it where fucking…is usually fast, sometimes it can be a little rough. It still feels great but it’s more about getting the job done just enough, sharing just enough juice that you aren’t all excited and swollen anymore. Will likes fucking himself on my fingers and honestly, I think it’s hot to watch. He always feels so nice inside. I can imagine burying my love muscle inside him. Because trust me your brother, his boy pussy is very good. It feels like…like heaven,” he breathed leaning forward pushing his finger in harder.

Everyone was silent. Me trying my hardest to fight what my body was doing, me whimpering loudly when he brushed that spot with his finger. I didn’t want this. I wasn’t ok with any of what was going on.

“You hear that noise? That’s because I brushed his button. There’s this spot up inside your boy pussy that when someone touches it with their love muscle or their fingers that feels really really good. It makes your whole body feel tingly and I just hit that. That’s right baby fuck yourself on my fingers,” he told me before speaking to them, “Sometimes if you want to make someone feel really good if you can find that spot and then use your mouth…”

He wrapped his lips around me causing me to scream loudly. It was too much. There was too much stimulation happening my whole body tensing as that feeling of having to push started building up.

“Can I try it?” I heard Matty ask excitedly, “You said I could help and you said everyone tastes different. I’ve only ever tasted you, Daddy and Mikey? Can I try it?”

Uncle Ben stopped sucking, “This is a lesson it’s not practice. Maybe another time now just watch.”

I heard Matty huff. I didn’t understand why he wanted to…why he wanted to do those things to me too. I didn’t want anyone doing this to me. Not him not uncle Ben not Lionel I just wanted him to stop his fingers hitting that spot causing me to hurt as I tried to hold it back as I tried to keep myself from coming him moving his fingers in and out making sure he rubbed it just enough until I couldn’t hold it back anymore him moving his mouth at the very last second causing me to come all over my stomach.  
He made sure my brothers saw it happen. Saw me hit orgasm my whole body going tight my knees shaking with the effort of trying not to come. My soul feeling like it was shattering again. Knowing that he could just…that he could make it happen.

“He can do that?” I heard Matt ask.

“It happens to everyone at different ages but yes, baby is special aren’t you baby?” he asked before I felt his body weight move.

I didn’t want to open my eyes but I heard him moving around, “Now this is a condom. I would love to share my juice with him but Will belongs to a very special friend of mine and he doesn’t want me sharing my juice. He wants his juice to be the only juice that Will has so we’re using this. This also helps make sure if someone is sick that they don’t give it to you through their juice. And then you just…” he slid into me, “Fuck yeah…” he said.

By then my body was relaxed enough I couldn’t really tense. Just like how Lionel usually did it. Making me come so I couldn’t tense when he slid in.

“Everyone why don’t you move to the foot of the bed, “You too Matt.” He said, “Now you see how I’m in there? When I move I pull almost all the way out and then…”

“AH,” I moaned before I could stop myself.

“Its ok baby let me know it feels good,” he muttered into my ear as he kissed and sucked on my collarbone, “You feel so good, baby. I love your boy pussy. Fuck yeah, oh god yeah…,” he said as he started picking up the pace him fucking me so hard mattress bounced and rocked under us making me feel like a rag doll me not daring to open my eyes.

It hurt. I was so over stimulated that it fucking burned each brush against my prostate feeling more like a stab than anything else. Electrocuting me in a very very bad way. Him going until I felt him still him letting out a loud moan as he finished.

He didn’t even wait really but just rolled off me which I was thankful for. That was also an indication that it was a fuck according to him and not “making love.”

“And that is the end of our lesson,” Uncle Ben said as I felt him stand up, “Any questions?”

He waited in silence no one speaking before I heard him do up his fly me still not opening my eyes, “Ok well I’m going to go get a drink and settle back in. It’s going to be a long flight so I suggest you guys go back out there and go to your seats and get some sleep. That was amazing baby. Thank you.”

He kissed my cheek and then I heard the curtain open before it closed again. I rolled over onto my side still not opening my eyes curling myself into the fetal position before I heard whispering.

“No, just like fold it over. He’s tired Jay it makes you really tired,” I heard Mike mutter quietly.

“I know it makes you tired Daddy made me do it before remember? He’s so sad though. It hurts.”

“I know it hurts,” Mike said, “Look he probably just wants to be alone.”

“We can ask him,” James said before he spoke louder, “Willy? Willy do you want to be alone?”

I didn’t know what to say. I had just…they didn’t need to see that. A sob escaping me before I could stop it. Slamming my hand over my mouth my body still shaking.

“Oh Willy, I’m sorry,” James said as he started crying too, “I’m sorry. I didn’t…he was so mean.”

“Guys, stop crying,” Mike said, “You’re going to make me cry and the babies are probably so scared and Cat, you have to stop crying. Don’t do this guys, come on. We’re ok. We’ll...we’ll be ok.”

“He’s right. We’re together so we’ll be ok,” James said as I felt someone’s weight join me on the bed, little arms wrapping around my neck, “As long as we’re together we’ll be ok.”

I wasn’t ok. I didn’t deserve to touch him. I was gross. I was a slut I had let him just…as he made them watch. I hadn’t even tried to fight back. I should have tried to fight. I should have done anything but I had been so scared. I was so scared that he would have hurt them. He had already asked Matt to help, to hold my legs so he could…use his tongue there. I kind of just wanted to die. They didn’t deserve to see that. I hadn’t done enough to stop it.

“Willy? Are you going to be ok?” Mike asked me.

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to talk and I didn’t know what there was to say. They had seen…had seen what a slut I was. Why so many…why he wanted me. Why I was the best because I Just spread my legs and let him do it. How I hadn’t even tried to stop him.

“Willy, you’re scaring me,” Mike said quietly, “Just open your eyes, please? So, I know you hear me.”

I sighed opening my eyes. I hated looking at them, knowing they had seen that. Not sure what to say. There was only one thing I could think of to say, “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Mike asked frowning at me, “You didn’t do anything? If anything, I’m sorry that…that Matty is an asshole.” 

I sighed. He was right. He was an asshole. I didn’t want Matt near me ever again let alone putting his mouth on my dick. That kid was beyond disgusting and I knew he didn’t want to do it because he wanted to have sex with me. He wanted to do it because he wanted to humiliate me. Because he wanted to know what it was like to have sex with me. To make me wish I was dead just like they did every fucking time.

“Mikey, you made him cry again,” James said before he hugged me tighter, “It’s ok Willy. We’ll be ok.” He said hugging me resting his face on the top of my head, “We’ll be ok because we’re together.”

He seemed calm. Even if he was upset that I wasn’t…that there was something wrong with me. I let him hold onto me. Stay with me even though I was sure I didn’t deserve it, was sure I didn’t deserve his love. I must have fallen asleep like that because next thing I knew I felt someone kissing my neck my eyes snapping open.

“Baby it’s ok it’s just me, we’re getting ready to land you need to get up and get dressed ok? We’re almost home.”

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t react past the jumping when I felt his lips against my skin I just. I got up. I put my clothes on and buckled myself in. My coffin slamming shut on me once more as the wheels touched down on the runway.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The kids finally make it back to "home" back to Da. Will gets a phone call from an unwanted acquaintance. Da and Uncle Ben prove their behaviors will only be worse without Mum around and John disappears upstairs back into the arms of Da despite his own feelings in order to protect his siblings. Will and Mike have a long talk about Matt and the situation they are stuck in while Will also has to make sacrifices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 719 to 758. Yes, it's a long chapter sorry about that but a lot happens. It's a very stressful chapter considering everything that is going on. **Warnings: RAPE/NON-con, bullying, emotional manipulation, coercion, forced oral, forced handjob, forced anal, forced kissing, graphic descriptions of child sexual abuse, taunting, threats of violence, mental health issues, anxiety. John Part 2 Chapter 1**

I remember feeling tired. Beyond tired. Uncle Ben driving us home his hand on my leg. He talked to me but I didn’t listen. I just wanted a shower. Wanted to die. 

“Will, Will, did you hear me?” he asked me to which I sighed looking at him, “There you are. We have to talk about that you know?”

“What?” I asked.

“Well you provided me with an interesting flavor earlier and I was wondering what you were doing that would cause a hint of cherries there,” he said.

I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about that. Especially in the car with my younger siblings. I knew I was in trouble about it. He didn’t have to…

He squeezed my lower thigh hard, “You were away. But I think I can say you knew it went without saying you don’t do that. This isn’t yours to let other people use. You only do that with people we tell you you’re allowed to. I highly doubt you called your boyfriend up and asked him if you could go fuck somewhat? 13-year-old? Just proving that you live up to Daddy’s nickname for you. If you want to act like a slut Lionel will treat you like one, I can promise you.”

“I…,” I trailed off.

“You what?” he asked as we pulled into the driveway, “You what William? I am going to tell him.”

“I’m going to tell him about what you did then. And don’t think I forgot or I didn’t know.”

“You think he’d believe you? Or better yet you think he’d care? I’m not the one slutting around spreading my legs for every boy that looks somewhat interested when I know for a fact I’m off limits. That no one uses that part of me unless I’m told they can. So, if I were you I’d save it,” he hissed as he got out of the car.

We were home. Da was standing in the driveway smiling coming over and opening the van door, “HI my babies!” he said loudly, excitedly smiling and holding his arms open wide like he expected them to run into his arms and proclaim their love, to hug him.

“Come on guys. Is that the way you treat Da? I missed you,” he said as he climbed into the van.

“I missed you Da,” Matty said.

“I know you did sport. Come here and give me a hug,” I heard him say.

“You and me, we have to make a phone call,” Uncle Ben said undoing his seatbelt and reaching over to undoing mine, “Come on.”

He got out of the car. This was going to be bad. He was probably going to make me tell him. I thought about Beau. How much trouble he would be in. How Lionel might even kill him. I decided no matter what I wouldn’t give him a name. I wouldn’t tell him who Beau was even if Uncle Ben made me admit that I’d had sex with someone. With someone that wasn’t one of them. With someone, they hadn’t said I could.

He opened the door for me, gesturing for me to move as Da started unbuckling kids and hugging them. They were mostly silent. I’m not sure Andy and Laura and all of them understood what was going on only that we were back. That we had left for a while and now we were back. They were both using sentences and usually spoke only to each other unless they needed something or had something important to say but they were quiet. Really quiet.

“Now Will!” Uncle Ben said grabbing me hard by the arm and dragging me from the car.

I didn’t want to leave Da alone with them. I didn’t want to be alone with him. I didn’t want him touching me. I shrugged him off. I didn’t want to be near him.

“Stop it,” he said to me, “You want to be a slut you don’t get a say in who touches you.”

“I—I’m…,” I tried again.

My face felt warm. Lionel was going to be so pissed. He had already killed my mum I could only imagine what else he was going to do once Uncle Ben told him. How he was probably going to make me…

“Come on slut,” he said grabbing my arm again and dragging me into the house.

He took me to lift and then to the office pushing me down into a chair. It was useless to tell him it wasn’t true. That I wasn’t a slut. He dialed a number and put the phone on speaker.

“Hello? Benjamin? Connor?” I heard him ask over the phone his voice making me feel like I was going to throw up.

“Hi Lionel, I have someone special here for you to talk to,” Uncle Ben said smiling at me.

“My little one? Are they back? I knew they were coming home soon but…oh I’ve missed you little one. How are you doing?” he said into the phone his voice sounding excited.

“Little one has had little adventures. You know how we talked about that thing? That you gave me permission to teach him a lesson for leaving? For allowing that bitch to take off with him?” Uncle Ben asked Lionel.

“Yes, I remember and don’t use that term in front of him. He’s much too innocent to hear you refer to her like that,” Lionel said.

“He’s not innocent anymore,” Uncle Ben said.

There was silence before Lionel let out a heavy exhale, “Oh?” he said his voice quiet.

“Well, when I was giving his brothers a recap on expressing love I went to give them a lesson on oral talents and there was a hint of…cherry.”

“Oh,” Lionel said, “Little one?”

“He’s here,” Uncle Ben said.

“Did you do something you weren’t supposed to?” 

I was shaking. He would be furious. I could tell he already was Uncle Ben basically having just told him. Just told him he was pretty sure I’d had sex. 

“Little one, talk to me. Use your words. I know you’re nervous but I want to make sure you’re ok. I just want to know what happened. Did someone force you? Was this someone your age?”

Beau was not my age. He was 16. He was older than John by 2 years older than me by five. I felt like I was going to be sick, I felt light-headed. If I spoke I felt like I was going to scream. Going to beg him to just…to just kill me. To leave everyone else alone and just kill me.

“Little one if you don’t talk I’m going to have to take a drive and come see you. Do you want to see me tonight? I mean I was going to head over Friday but…I can come see you tonight if you like.”

I shook my head. No, I didn’t want to see him. He had probably just wanted to punish me. Rape me.

“Little one speak,” he said taking that tone. His I was in trouble tone.

“I’m sorry,” I answered.

“I’m sure you are. I’m sure it wasn’t something you thought through if you weren’t forced. You are young after all and we’ve been working on you expressing your feelings towards other people but I’m not sure we were clear on a few things. At least not clear enough. You’re mine. You belong to me. I love you dearly little one. You’re very special to me. Very, very special. I don’t want you just sharing those feelings, those things with just anyone. If I think you need to express those feelings with someone I will let you know otherwise you don’t let anyone touch you. Is that clear? Now can you tell me about this person? Who it was?” he asked me.

“No one,” I lied, “It was no one.”

“Now, you know better. You know you don’t do those types of things with no one. So, who was this? Tell me about them,” he warned.

“It…,” I felt the bile climbing up my throat causing me to swallow it back down, “It was no one,” I said again.

“Listen to me you little shit. You want to be a slut? I’ll make you slut. You want to fuck with no one, I’ll have them fuck you raw. I’ll line them up out the door for a chance at being able to stick it in your sweet little boy cunt so you tell me who the fuck it was,” he hissed.

A sob broke from me before I could stop it. I didn’t want to be a slut anymore. I didn’t. He had…he had loved me. Beau had loved me. He had wanted me to feel good and make me feel good and he had wanted to do it because he loved me. Because I was smart and nice and…because I was me.

“Tell me who it was and maybe I’ll consider something different,” he said his voice calm again, “Maybe I’ll forgive you.”

He wouldn’t forgive. I knew he wouldn’t forgive me.

“I would really hate to ruin that beautiful body you have. It’s so…talented. Not every boy can feel as good as you,” he said, “Little one, I love you. I do, but you must respect that. I want you to love me. I do but, I know I can’t make you love me. However, that doesn’t stop you from being mine. I’ll forgive you and be lenient if you tell me about them. If not, I can’t promise I’ll be able to look past it. You understand what I’m saying?”

I nodded my head before realizing what he would say to that, the same thing he always said, “use your words.” Speak.

“I understand. He was someone I cared about,” I said.

“You’re not allowed to care about someone unless your Dad and I agree that you can. Is that clear?” he asked.

“Yes, sir,” I muttered.

“Now, now. You remember what you call me. I’m sure you do,” he said, “It’s ok baby. I’ll work on forgiving you ok?”

“Ok D-Daddy L,” I said.

“There’s my special boy,” he said, “I love you. I do and we’ll work on getting past this ok? I’ll see you Friday.”

I nodded my head before I realized it again. He couldn’t see me. He wanted me to say something, “Ok Daddy L, I love you too.”

“Good boy. Now go get settled in,” he said.

I stood up numbly. He wasn’t going to forgive me. I knew he wasn’t going to forgive me. I was his. I was his and I had left. I just kept thinking that it was hard before, now it was going to be so much worse. Everything was going to get so much worse.  
I took the lift back downstairs to find Da sitting at the table everyone out of the car the babies each in highchairs as he talked to everyone him Holding Laura on his lap. Just the site making me feel sick. He shouldn’t have been touching her. Not at all.  
“And so that’s why if it seems like I’m mean it’s not because of you guys. It’s other things ok? There’s just a lot going on right now,” Da said finishing up his sentence before he looked up at me, “What are you doing honey?”

I shrugged my shoulders I wasn’t sure what I was doing. I was sure Da was probably going to rape me now too. That if it wasn’t me it would be someone else. That no one else needed that. Not even Matt needed that even if he thought he wanted it.  
“Don’t give me that look,” Da said, “I don’t know what that was about but I’m sure I’ll find out even though I’ll let your contract holder handle it.”

“What’s a contract holder Daddy?” Cat asked quietly.

“Nothing you girls need to worry about ok? It’s boy stuff,” Da said smiling at her as he patted her on the head.

“Da please,” Mike said, “Could we just…?”

“Oh, trust me. You’ll have one as soon as your old enough,” Da said looking at him, “We’re going to start teaching you more regularly though so that should be fun.”

“Me too?” Matty asked smiling.

“Matt,” Mike said looking at him and shaking his head.

“Teaching like earlier?” James asked, “I didn’t like that.”

“It doesn’t matter what you like,” Da said, “And you’re special. You don’t have to worry about that.”

“Oh,” James said.

I think he had learned by that point that special was not a good thing in our house. That special was something really bad. Special meant he had plans for you.

“Like I’m special Daddy?” Cat asked him quietly.

“Similar, aye,” Da said, “Now I do believe Uncle Ben is going to help Honey watch everyone and I’ll be back with food and John in a little bit,” Da said kissing Laura as he put her down.

He got up and left me feeling a hand on my shoulder not bothering to turn around. I knew it was Uncle Ben that he was going to humiliate me again. Probably touch me and front of them again, do stuff to me but he surprised me.

“Mike? Come on, I want to talk to you,” Uncle Ben said.

“No,” I shook my head standing up probably almost headbutting him.

“You don’t get a say,” Uncle Ben said.

“Don’t hurt him, Uncle Ben,” James said as Cat ran over hugging my legs tightly, “he didn’t mean it.”

“I’m pretty sure he’s not allowed to,” I said.

“Don’t be a smart ass. One phone call that’s all it takes baby,” he said smiling at me, “Mike come on.”

Mike sighed looking at Matt who went to stand up.

“No, just Mike. It’ll be quick,” Uncle Ben told Matt.

“But Uncle Ben? Seriously?” he asked.

“No, just Mike. It won’t take that long,” Uncle Ben said as Mike stood up staring at his feet before Uncle Ben grabbed his hand. Leading him away.

“Are we just going to stay here?” Cat asked me.

“I don’t know,” I said shaking my head, “You mean in the kitchen?”

“Yeah, I mean we could move the babies I could help,” Cat said.

“Me too,” Laura said.

“Lar you are one of the babies,” Cat said.

“I not baby. I big girl,” Laura said.

“She just means your wee,” I said.

“She not wee, she big girl. I big boy I help,” Andy said.

Matt smiled at him.

“Matt…,” I trailed off shaking my head.

“What?” he asked me.

“You know what. I see it in your face. Don’t even,” I sighed and Matt frowned.

“Fine, I’ll be fucking mean ok? Happy?”

“Why does he have to be mean?” Jay asked looking between us.

“It’s nothing Jay. Don’t worry about it,” I said shaking my head.

I hadn’t told anyone what Miss Julie had told mum. About Matt’s problems. The way his brain worked how he had…expressed wanting to do things to our little brothers. I hadn’t mentioned it to John because I didn’t think it would matter. I heard mum occasionally talking with this woman from the hospital/school on the phone and it sounded like they were talking about how long he could stay, what progress he was making. Last time I heard anything he had told his therapist that he could understand why it might be wrong to do that to someone. How it could be confusing for them.

That had been something mum had been very excited to hear. She loved them. Sometimes it felt like she loved Matt and Mike in a way that she didn’t love John and I. Looking back I think it was just a time constraint because Matt was considered special needs because of his behavioral problems but at the time it felt like she loved them differently than she loved us. 

Matt was gone in the hospital from the day we got to Montana because mum knew there was something wrong with him. The one thing that it assured me of was that mum had been listening to me when I said I thought he was dangerous. When I had told her about what he had almost done to Andy. How mean and manipulative he was towards John and me.

“Matt, can I talk to you alone for a second,” I said sighing as I said it.

“Sure,” he said walking down the hall as I followed him, “What?”

“I saw that. Don’t think I didn’t see that. That look? That look is not ok when you look at them. It’s not,” I said shaking my head at him.

“Why do you care? So, what if I want to see what it feels like? It doesn’t have to be bad. It doesn’t have to hurt them. I love them,” he said to me his face blank.

“I don’t care. You love them you won’t…”

“Do that to them? Yeah, I’ve been told that over and over again for the past six months Will. You think that didn’t sink in? Guess what? I’m aware and I won’t. Ok? I won’t unless I’m told to because guess what? We’re fucking back here. If I don’t do it they’ll get someone else who will, who will hurt them. So, what if I enjoy it? So, what if the thought crosses my mind? If I ever touched them without Da saying I could he would tan my ass and everyone else’s too. So yeah, I know I have to keep my hands to myself. Thanks,” Matt said before turning and going back into the kitchen.

“I think Mummy is going to be home in a little while,” Jay said to Cat.

“I think Mummy might be dead. We all know he’s mad at her for it,” Matt said suddenly, snapping at them.

“WHAT THE FUCK!?” I swore before I could stop myself, “Why did you say that?”

“Mummy’s dead?” Catty squeaked her little body starting to shake.

“Come on dude, you know it’s true. You know what they probably…,” Matt trailed off.

“We don’t know it’s true. We don’t. She could be fine,” I said.

“Yeah sure it’s fine Harem boy,” Matt said.

“What’s a harem boy?” Jay asked quietly.

“I think it’s something bad? Is Mummy really dead? I want mummy!” Cat started crying which made everyone else start howling loudly.

“See look what you did!” I sighed going and grabbing Andy and Laura pulling them into my lap on the floor, “It’s ok guys everything is ok. Mummy is ok.”

“Come here Cat,” Matt said sighing, “I’m sorry. Ok? I’m scared. I’m just really scared.” Matt said hugging Cat.

The way he said it, it sounded genuine. Like he really was scared. Some people their default, whenever they get upset, is to get angry, to be mean. However, that was the first time Matt ever admitted he had feelings other than in therapy with Julie. And at that moment, he was probably very upset and I realized that. Ben had Mike god knew where in the house doing God knew what to him. Mum was gone, John was gone. We were…it was us. It was him and me dealing with…Laura farted in my lap loudly as she cried.

“Do you have to use the potty?” I asked her to which she sniffled whipping her nose on her arm and nodding her head, “Ok, let’s go huh, use the potty.”

“I come too?” Andy asked.

“I think we can potty without…” I sighed looking at the room around me, looking at James and Cat who wouldn’t be able to do anything but scream if Matt did decide to try something and while he had apparently expressed having those thoughts towards all of them Andy was the only one he had tried to hurt so I sighed nodding my head in agreement, “Ok.”

We walked down the hallway me not wanting to go too far away with them, “Ok you know how to do this right?”

We had been working on potty training and they mostly had it down when it came to training toilets she nodded and pulled down her pants and underwear holding her arms up, “holds me.”

“Right, I won’t let you fall in,” I said, “Have I ever let you fall in before?”

She shook her head as Andy giggled. I held her around her armpits as she made a face at me.

“Is pooping,” Andy said.

“Yes, I’m sure she is. You don’t need to tell me,” I said.

“Whys we poop?” he asked me.

“Because we eat. We eat we digest and then we poop out the stuff we don’t need,” I told him.

“I’s hungry,” Andy told me.

“Da’s bringing food home,” I said.

“Daddy bad Daddy,” Laura said, “I done’s you wipe?”

“Yes, I wipe,” I said bending down and wiping her, “Is that good?”

“Yes!” she said clapping her hands excitedly.

“Aye we need to wash our hands yes,” I said reaching under the sink and grabbing the stool out from under it. Both Andy and Laura climbing onto it was washing their hands.

When we got back out into the kitchen Da was putting food on the table. He was back John standing there looking numb, tired. Catty hugged him before she sat back down James frowning at Da and John.

“Where’s mum?” James asked looking at him, James voice quiet probably thinking about what Matt had said, that mum was dead.

“Mum is sick so she’s spending some time away from us so she can get better,” Da answered as he sat down me helping Andy and Laura back into their booster seats before I started ripping up drumsticks with my hands to feed them.  
“She’s not sick,” I muttered, “You mean you had her thrown somewhere she can’t help us.”

Da stood up and I thought he was going to come after me but instead he got up and grabbed John around the waist grinding hard against John’s back making John tense is Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed.

He looked terrified. All because I was stupid enough to say something. Uncle Ben smiling at me from where he was sat next to the island. He had warned me. That if I was going to be mean someone would get hurt and it might not be me. Me feeling almost like him and Da had planned the whole thing. Planned to come up with an excuse to set me off just so they could make an example, just so they could hurt someone.

He leaned into John resting his head on John’s shoulders for a second kissing his neck lightly before he turned to me him grabbing John’s hips hard and pulling John’s back up against his pelvic bone. He was really grinding on him like…really grinding on him John standing there dead frozen.

“When your mum comes back she’ll be better. Trust me, she’s sick,” he said rolling his hips slightly.

I felt my face turning red looking away. That wasn’t fair. It was me who had said it. Who had been hostile not John. John didn’t deserve that. I felt like I wanted to cry my eyes starting to burn. They had just done that to me. My uncle had…and now Da was going to do it to John too? Why? What was the point? 

I sighed wiping my hands off on my pants as I handed Laura and Andy their plates putting them on their high chair trays and then went to go sit down everyone dead silent watching what Da was doing.

“John, come sit with us,” I said pulling out a chair and sitting down. Da rested his head back on John’s shoulder and moved his hands lower on John’s waist, his hands going to John’s belt.

I wanted to scream but I knew it was my fault already. That me saying something about it other than telling Da I was sorry would just make it worse. Da smiling at me menacingly over John’s shoulder as John’s face started flushing as his chest started heaving like he was having trouble breathing. Like he couldn’t stand what was happening to him. 

“Daddy you’re hurting him,” Cat told Da quietly looking at her plate and not at what Da was doing.

IT hurt them. It hurt them to see that, see those things. Because if we couldn’t protect ourselves how the fuck we were supposed to protect them? And they knew it too. They knew we couldn’t do anything so they better shape up or suffer the consequences.

Da smiled at her, “No, I’m not. He’s all right.” He said before leaning his lips against John’s ear whispering something to him that made John close his eyes.

“Can we not right now?” he asked Da quietly who said something else no one could hear before starting to kiss and bite on John’s neck aggressively.

Ben laughed as he paused by the basement door. He had moved there while everyone had their attention diverted to Da and what he was doing to John in front of us. His movement making me nervous. I felt like a jerk because if I would have just kept my mouth shut Da wouldn’t be touching him like that. Wouldn’t be doing that in front of everyone.

“Da? Stop please?” I asked him.

I didn’t want to see it. Didn’t want to see John like that. They had been horrible to him before. They had tortured him. And here he was and Da was…I couldn’t look away even though I wanted to, knowing it was my fault. That us being back there was my fault.

It was all my fault. If I had just stayed and let everyone else leave they would have been fine. John would have been ok and maybe even happy one day and everyone else. Maybe even Matty too would have been ok.

“I’m your father!” Da barked looking at me his eyes flashing as his hand moved lower, “You don’t tell me what to do.”

“Da,” Mike said causing me to turn and look at him, “You’re scaring him.”

Mike didn’t usually speak up to Da. Not directly he was too terrified of them to usually speak up about anything they did. Matt doing most of the speaking up for him. It surprised me just because he was so terrified of them. With good reason. Mike was always…complicated.

“You need to stop Da,” I tried to beg, “You really think they need to see this?”

“You let her take you!” he snapped looking at us and I swore I saw a couple people flinch out of the corner of my eye, “You’re mine, all of you are mine! Aren’t you baby?” he said into John’s hear as he started undoing John’s belt quickly starting to undo the button on his pants.

“DADDY STOP IT!!!” Cat screamed loudly, “Leave him alone.”

“Who is going to take his place?” Da said his eyes cold as he looked at us.

No one wanted to. No one wanted Da doing those things to them. Not ever. Catty and James were little. It hurt their bodies. When he did that it hurt them in so many ways. When he did it to me, it ripped my soul apart. Even if it didn’t always hurt my body it ripped my soul apart into so many pieces that I was getting tired of putting the pieces back together again. 

He smiled at us from behind John who was standing as still as a statue, “I want you to see what happens when you try to leave. You are mine. All of you are mine and you have no right to anywhere without my permission. You understand me?” he asked looking at us as he put his hands down John’s open pants. John scrunched his face looking like he was trying to just breathe. Looking like he was trying not to cry or break down in front of us as Da moved his hand licking his lips as he looked down at what he was doing. How he was touching John looking like he was enjoying it. Enjoying the way John felt in his hands as he touched him before he pulled away.

“Come here baby,” Da said turning to face John putting his hand gently on John’s chin tilting John’s face up to his before wrapping his arms back around John’s waist facing him his hands up against John’s back right above his pants as he started kissing on John’s neck.

Where you fucking kidding me? I turned to see how everyone else was taking this. Even Laura and Andy were watching. Cat and James frozen their mouths open in horror as Da…made out with our brother in front of us. Matt with the most disgusting smile on his face I had ever seen while Mike looked at the floor pretending none of it was happening or at least trying his best not to look at it.

John touching the side of Da’s face before he turned his face towards him whispering something to Da.

“No, not yet. One kiss baby,” Da said to him rubbing John’s back under his shirt, “I want them to see.”

John looked at Da. He had just looked scared before but now he looked slightly angry. Maybe his worry about us, his siblings having to see what was happening overriding his embarrassment and fear of Da at what Da was doing.

“Well I don’t,” I heard John mutter before he leaned close to Da again whispering in his ear his eyes losing some of their fire as he pulled away before Da whispered something back John’s eyes going wide in fear again before he grabbed Da by the chin crashing his lips angrily into Da’s as I heard someone gasp in surprise and my stomach jumped.

At that I thought I was going to lose what little food I had managed to eat all over the table me closing my eyes and trying to take deep breaths as nausea rippled through my body. God, I was going to throw up. I was going to puke, that wasn’t something John wanted to do. I could see it in his face when he did it but that didn’t mean anyone else saw that. Me hearing the smack as their lips broke away.

“Upstairs,” I heard John mutter as I opened my eyes.

He was looking at Da his face as red as mine felt as he backed up towards the stairs. Heading that way. I was pretty sure he knew what I knew. What Da wanted and that Da was going to get it. It didn’t matter from who at that point because mum wasn’t around to stop him. To make sure he didn’t.

“That was gross!” James said snapping me out of watching them, out of feeling sorry for John because there were other people that I needed to be sorry for, to be responsible for so the perv standing next to the basement didn’t do anything to them.  
“Jay that’s enough,” I muttered, “We’ll finish eating then go watch a movie ok? Everyone just eat.”

“Is that what Da does?” Catty asked, “I don’t think he’s ever done that to me. Just touched me.”

“Da only does that with him, lucky bitch,” Matt said.

“MATT!!” I said, “I’m sick of you. Go, go where ever I don’t care. Just go.”

“That’s a bad word Matty,” Cat said, “What does that mean?”

“It means something bad Cat,” Mike said looking at his plate, “Can I go upstairs now? I’ll take Mac with me.”

“Ok,” I said.

He seemed tired. Scared. It made me worry about what Uncle Ben had done to him in those 30 minutes he was gone.

“I’ll grab Seamus,” Matty said standing up, “I’m done too.”

“No, you won’t,” I said shaking my head, “You’ll grab Mary.”

“Why because she’s a girl? It happens to girls too you know?” Matt said.

“Matt I’m fucking tired of you ok? Go,” I said.

“I’ll grab Mary Matt can grab whoever he wants,” Uncle Ben said, “You want to sit here while those two finish eating. I’ll grab Andy and Laura too.”

“They can stay with me,” I said.

“So, what you trust me with the little ones but not Andy?”

“I’m not…I remember,” I said stopping and thinking about it. About the things, I remembered from when John and I were little. The things John had told me not to tell mum about the hiding game in the closet. I knew why he was doing it especially now that I was older and John had only been four. 

He had been doing stuff to John when he was four. How did I know that he wouldn’t do stuff to Andy? Andy was two. Two wasn’t that different from four. They just had fewer words to describe their world with. If he made him feel that how did I know that he would even be able to tell anyone? How did I know that he wouldn’t just scream and cry and never stop? Because I was pretty sure he had an understanding that it was wrong. That Da doing that to John was wrong.

I couldn’t even be sure of that though. I think he just knew that Da was a bad man and Uncle Ben was a bad man. That’s probably all he knew about it.

“I remember too,” Matt said.

“You don’t remember the same things I do,” I said as Uncle Ben picked up Mary allowing Matt to handle Seamus. I knew I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t trust him with them but, I didn’t have a choice. Mike picking up Mac and then coming over and hugging me, “I’ll make sure they leave them alone. I promise.”

“I want to talk to you later pal ok?” I said to him to which he nodded his head before he turned and headed upstairs.

We sat in silence for a while James, Cat and I, me waiting for them to finish eating. My appetite completely gone.

“It’s going to be like before, isn’t it?” Cat asked quietly after a few minutes.

“I think it’s going to be bad Catty,” James said, “Really bad.”

“Guys I don’t...I don’t know ok? I don’t have the answers but he has mum. I’ll do what I can to take care of you ok? I promise. You know John and I…we’ll take care of you right? You know that?”

“Don’t cry Willy,” Catty said, “We’ll be ok. Maybe it won’t hurt as bad as last time. I’m bigger now.”

She wasn’t that much bigger at all. She was only 5. We hadn’t been away for that long. Only long enough for me to turn 11 and Matt and Mike to turn nine. Catty to turn 5. That was it. Four birthdays. Four birthdays’ out of the millions we should have had free, without them. All ruined because of me. Because of …

It would hurt her so much and who knew how much time she had before he raped her now. How much time any of them had. Before he started touching them before he started…killing them. Because it felt like death. Every time he did it, it felt like death. The slowest death you could ever experience that no one could ever see. That even if they did see it they didn’t want to. They didn’t want to know about it. Especially if you were a boy. The only thing I could be grateful for I felt was that. That Catherine was a girl. She would have a world of support if she ever got away from us, from him. A world that understood her where us, her brothers, we just had each other and all the other bottoms in the cult.

“I’m sorry,” I told her, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry we’re back here.”

“It’s not your fault Willy,” Jay said, “It’s not. I just want Mummy to come back.”

“I know guys. You heard what Da said though she’s not dead. She’s alive somewhere. So eventually she’ll come home,” I sighed, “Are you guys done eating?”

“Yeah. I don’t think we should leave them alone with them too long,” James said, “Uncle Ben he…”

“I know,” I said nodding my head.

“Mummy and Julie said we shouldn’t talk like that anymore,” Cat said, “That we should say what we mean especially if someone doesn’t understand. I don’t understand.”

“Well,” I sighed not wanting to explain it to my little sister, “You know how you said Da’s fingers hurt when he…uses them on you?”

She nodded her head causing me to sigh a put my head in my hands before I finished answering her, “Uncle Ben uses his hands. Differently than that but sometimes the same.”

“I don’t like it when he does that,” Cat said.

“We don’t either,” James said quietly, “Willy I’m scared.”

“I know me too,” I said.

“Can we talk about what happened later?” he asked me.

I figured he meant the plane. What Uncle Ben made me do. How he had used my body to show them that. To remind them that we were theirs. That our bodies were theirs to do what they wanted with.

“Talk about what? When you went in the back room and together and James and Mikey started crying?” Cat asked.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

“Uncle Ben hurt you,” Cat said, “He was saying bad things. Bad words,” Cat said, “It’s ok if you don’t want to talk about it with me.”

“You know what he did?” I asked him.

“He’s like Da,” Cat said, “Only with just you guys. Miss Julie and Mummy told me about it. That I shouldn’t ask because it’s harder because your boys. But that it hurts you too sometimes worse than it hurts me.”

James and I nodded our heads at the same time. It hurt worse. Usually, while you can stick things in your ass and if it’s with someone you’re comfortable with it can feel really awesome as I had learned that summer when it’s with someone you’re not comfortable with like I said before it hurts. It’s painful and there’s a lot of motions going on in there that a vagina is made for that an ass isn’t necessarily naturally equipped to handle all the time. It doesn’t have its own ecosystem to balance PH, it doesn’t have its own liberation system. So yeah that first moment of…contact burned pretty bad sometimes.

“Da didn’t do that to you though? Put his Penis there?” I asked her.

“No,” she said, “But he puts it in your butt. I figured because of everyone crying that’s what Uncle Ben did.”

“Yeah,” I admitted it, “It hurt.”

It hadn’t hurt as bad as it could have. Probably because I had been active in that department recently. Not that I should have been.

I didn’t think of Beau as a predator but let’s be honest here. What 16-year-old thinks about having sex with an 11-year-old? Boy or girl, it doesn’t matter. If you’re 16 it shouldn’t even cross your mind to go have sex with an 11-year-old. An 11-year-old has just barely started puberty.

I mean yeah, I did have some hair in my armpits and other places at that point but that didn’t mean I was ready to have sex. To me, it didn’t seem like a big deal because I’d been having sex for a long time and while I knew it was kind of wrong I didn’t see him in that way because he wasn’t forceful. He didn’t force me to kiss him, to make out with him, to touch him, to let him touch me. He didn’t threaten anyone and that…that was the difference. However, it was just another type of grooming. Just like Lionel but different.

Beau was a mistake I made because I wanted to have a choice. Because I was sure I wouldn’t be allowed to have one again. I wanted to know what it felt like to be with someone I had decided I wanted to be with. I had enjoyed it, yeah but it got me into way more trouble than it was worth. Especially because you know, flavored lube. Which at the time I didn’t really think about but, looking back it makes me wonder what his sister was doing with who for that to be the only lube she had in her nightstand.

“I’m sorry Willy,” Cat said grabbing my hand, “We should go back to them.”

“You’re right,” I said nodding my head, “How did you two get so smart?”

“Therapy,” James muttered.

That made me smile. I didn’t think it was therapy but something else. Probably the way they were being raised. I’m sure they probably knew more about sex and rape than some of my classmates. But they were surrounded by it. It was their life. It was their existence.

We walked upstairs us slow going because we did have Andy and Laura with us. We got on the lift and when we got upstairs we could see Uncle Ben sitting the living room. He had Matt in his lap their shirts off making me feel sick to my stomach. Wondering what they had done. If they had made Mike do anything. Mike sitting in the chair away from them.

“Did you put them to sleep?” I asked.

“I did,” Mike said giving me an awkward look.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “Come on guys. Go brush your teeth and get ready for bed.”

“I’m watching a movie with Ben,” Matt said.

“Ok, Mike do you want to…”

“Yeah, I’m going go to bed. Good night Matty,” Mike said.

“Night Mike. I love you,” he said.

Mike smiled at him and nodded his head his face turning down the moment he turned away from them.

“Come on,” I said nodding my head and putting my arm around his shoulder.

“He’s sick,” he whispered before I saw the tears start falling.

“Guys, go brush your teeth ok?” I told Cat and James who went off to their bedrooms, to their bathrooms, “Come on pal. We’ll talk ok?”

I took him to my room and shut the door him hugging me the moment the door was shut, “I want mum.”

“I know Pal,” I said trying not to cry with him, “I know.”

“He…I hate it when they do that. But they…” he broke into sobs.

“I know pal. Shhh…shh….” I said making him lay on my bed with me as I held him, “I know. It’s ok you did good. You did so good pal.”

“I didn’t…I….” 

“Shhh, …it’s ok just let it out. It’s ok,” I said rubbing his back and holding him as he cried.

I think it was always harder for Mike. Especially when it was Matt. Matt was someone who had shared every second of his existence with him. Someone who wasn’t supposed to ever want to hurt him but he did. Even if Mike never said it hurt him. Even if he said he was ok he wasn’t. Uncle Ben made Matt to horrible things to Mike. Made Matt think it was normal and ok hell even good to do horrible things to Mike.

“Just let it out,” I said.

“I hate what he does to him,” Mike whined, “He’s so mean when he’s with him.”

“It’s ok pal. I know. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. You did so well though. You did so good pal, you did.”

“He was going to…I couldn’t…”

“I know,” I said, “I do it all the time too. I know.”

“I didn’t want to,” Mike muttered into my shirt.

“I know, it’s ok,” I told him, “You’re such a good big brother. You take such good care of them. I’m sorry. I just…I couldn’t leave them alone down there and John’s…”

I sighed thinking about where he was. That he was with Da. That Da was…we had barely been home two hours. Uncle Ben had already raped me and Mike, Mike probably twice. He had done stuff with Matt. Hell, I was pretty sure he was doing stuff with Matt when I had gotten upstairs with James and Cat, not that Matt was complaining. That was a whole different problem though.

“I hate it here,” Mike said as I continued cuddling with him, “I hate it.”

“I know pal,” I agreed, “We’ll be ok though. Do you want to stay with me tonight? Just to try and make sure Uncle Be and Da don’t do anything?”

He nodded his head. This was hard for him. Everything going on. I figured whatever Uncle Ben and Matt had told him and made him do was bad. Bad enough that he feared being alone. That and he and I had been sharing a room for months. For most of them just the two of us. I was honestly afraid of him having a hard night just because we were back. Because everyone was scared. We all knew we were in trouble. That things we going to be hard for a while.

He nodded his head, “Willy, I’m going to go brush my teeth and stuff ok?”

“Ok Pal. When you’re done you know where to find me,” I told him getting up and going to knock on Jay’s bedroom door.

“Don’t come in!” I heard him squeak nervously me sighing.

“It’s me bud,” I said, “Is everything ok?”

“Yeah, I’m just…I can’t find it,” he whined through the door.

“Can’t find what?” I asked him.

“My football jammies,” he said.

“Can I come in and help you look? I won’t come in if you don’t want me to but I would like to read you a story if you want. Help you and Cat settle in for the night like we usually do,” I asked him through the door.

“Ok,” I heard him sigh before I opened the door closing it quickly behind me.

Uncle Ben was out there and I wasn’t sure if or what Uncle Ben would do to him if he saw James shirtless. I wasn’t sure if he was even allowed to do anything to him but that didn’t seem to stop him. Even when Lionel told him he wasn’t allowed to do something with me it didn’t ever stop him.

“I can’t find it,” James said staring at his feet.

He was wearing his tightie whities. Holding a pair of pajama bottoms in his one hand all his dresser drawers opened. The bottoms were navy blue with soccer or footballs all over them. So that’s what he had meant by football jammies. I wasn’t even sure they would fit him anymore. He grew all the time. The kid was a weed. But if they were the ones he wanted I would do my best to help him find them.

“Why don’t you put your pants on and I’ll look ok?” I told him.

“Ok,” James said nodding his head sitting down right where he was standing and putting his pants on as I started looking through his draws.

“I know this is big bud, and that’s it scary. I just want you to know how sorry I am,” I muttered as I looked through his drawers getting to his PJ drawer and the noticing something.

Something that made me feel sick to my stomach. All his PJ shirts were missing. Not just the one. All of them. I wanted to swear. What ...what the fuck did they think they were doing? He was a kid and …his body made him nervous. He was a little boy who had been used as a sex object. He hated being naked. We all hated being naked honestly. Once the weather had started getting warm in Montana he had fought to keep long sleeves for a week and a half before he couldn’t stand it anymore finally giving into the weather and changing to T-shirts.

I sighed going back to his underwear drawer and looking for an undershirt with at least some sleeves to make him feel better, “Bud, I can’t find it either so wear this to bed ok? We’ll try to find it tomorrow ok? I’ll do something to try and find it. You want to come with me and go check on Cat? Read a story for bedtime?”

“Yeah. I don’t like Uncle Ben being here Willy,” he told me, “He’s a bad man. I know he’s a bad man like the bad man.”

“I know bud,” I said picking him up, “Come on, let’s go check on Cat.”

I took him down the hallway to Cat’s room. Knocking on the door. She opened it her face red and then pulled on my sleeve making me bend down to talk to her as James let go of me going into Cat’s room.

“Willy, my clothes are missing,” Cat said.

Oh fuck. I remember thinking that and then I looked at her. She was wearing a nightgown with Cinderella on it. She couldn’t be missing all her clothes.

“Is it all of a clothing item?” I asked her as she blushed nodding her head.

I thought about it. With boys a normal person wouldn’t think anything of a boy missing shirts, walking around shirtless. But with girls, you couldn’t do that so if they were trying to mess with my head, our heads as a collective what would they… I huffed walking over and opening her underwear drawer.

Sure, enough all that was in there was socks. Da had taken her underwear. He like literally taken my five-year-old sisters underwear and done something with it. I was fucking pissed.

“Guys, stay here. I’ll be back,” I said shutting the door behind me and going out into the living room.

I stomped over there stopping right in front of the tv. Matt was no longer in Ben’s lap but they were still on the couch, still, shirtless a blanket pulled over their laps even though it seems like Uncle Ben at least still had most of his clothes on.

“Yes, baby can I help you with something?” Uncle Ben asked me.

“What did you do with their clothing?” I asked him.

Uncle Ben just smiled, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“The fuck you don’t,” I accused, “Where are their clothes? Catherine is missing her under things and James has no PJ shirts. Who else did you take clothes from? What did you do with them?”

“Your Da and I thought it would be fun to have you all earn things back. You stole our trust. Sure, they couldn’t help it but you and John knew better. Think of each piece of missing wardrobe you earn back as a tiny piece of trust,” Ben said, “Your Da is kind of reluctant about it but, he said he’d be willing to see how it goes.”

He had to be kidding me. That was not ok.

“Did you take their clothes too? Andy and Laura’s? Mac’s?” I asked him.

“No see, they get to keep their clothes because when they left they were barely stringing three words together to protest. The rest of you though…not so much. Lionel thought it was a fun idea. He really liked it,” Uncle Ben said.

What did he mean he really liked it? Did that mean…? Did that mean he had taken all of my clothes? That he was …that I would have to walk around naked like Da had made John do when he had come to Florida from London? No, he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t Lionel wouldn’t let him…

“You can earn them back quickly. If you’re good. Matt did, didn’t you Matty?” Uncle Ben asked before he smiled, “He’s earning them right now aren’t you Matty?”

Matty looked at me shrugging his shoulders, “I like my clothes.”

Yeah no, I wasn’t…no. My stomach rebelling not wanting to know what he meant by right now but my brain going there filling in the blank of what was probably going on under the blanket right in front of me causing me to turn and run into the kitchen so I didn’t barf on the floor. He had to be kidding. I needed my clothes. I still needed a fucking shower. I…I wasn’t taking my clothes off for anything now. Figuring if I did he would probably steal them. That he had probably stolen all of my clothes.

He couldn’t do this. Da couldn’t be letting him do this. So, what we all had something taken away? If he had stolen all my clothes he had definitely stolen all of John’s. This wasn’t fucking fair. Mum had made us go. Sure, we had wanted to leave but mum had made us go. She was our mum. She had made us leave. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t, and John didn’t. None of us did.

“What jealous he’s getting his clothes back first?” I heard Uncle Ben ask causing me to turn around.

He had put his shirt back on and his was wearing his pants and those seemed to be done up. So, I had that to be thankful for if nothing else.

“They’re little kids Uncle Ben,” I said.

“Not that little. Mike and Matt certainly not. I have no idea how all of you ended up so hung,” Uncle Ben said.

I didn’t think I was hung. I felt my face turning red. I was 11. I was pretty sure I was average. Not that I took a lot of time looking at guys my own age naked. Now Beau…Beau had been hung. Beau had been nice but I was nothing compared to that.

“I’m 11,” I muttered quietly.

“So, doesn’t mean there’s not something to look at baby,” He said licking his lips at me.

“I promised them I’d read them a story,” I said quietly.

“Let Matt read them a story,” Uncle Ben said, “We’re going to be hiring someone soon. A nanny to come help. It’ll be a little bit but I might be able to call Hank convince him to do a favor and get Karen over here to help for the next couple of days.”  
I thought of Karen. Of the last time, she had come over. She had accused John and I of being liars accused me of molesting James when her boyfriend had…Louis. When Louis had kissed me and then pushed me down to make her believe I had attacked him instead of the other way around. She had pulled me downstairs to have my ass handed to me by…by him. By the guy standing in front of me. He had punched me in the face. Telling me not to step out. That he didn’t give me up so I could step out.

I didn’t want Karen around. I would rather take care of them on my own. Without her. It was bad enough we were back let alone Karen accusing me of doing that to them. Not me just letting someone else do it but me doing it.

I had spent time in therapy going over that with John and mum and Mum went over it with John and me. How she was afraid we might be screwed up. That we might be too close to them, to our siblings. John and I had to swear up and down on our lives that we never thought about them like that. All because of Matty. Because Matty had admitted he had those feelings about them. Because mum had seen the way Matty interacted with them and realized that the only reason he was so nice and sweet to them was because he thought that about them.

It had made her question us. Question if our cuddling with them and holding them as they cried and feeding them was because we wanted to…because we wanted to do that too. Because of what Da had done to us. It was only after going over it for weeks and weeks that she started leaving us alone with them again. After Julie and Miss Liz had talked to everyone as best they could and concluded that John and I didn’t want to hurt anyone. Not ever that we were protective of them and not…not possessive like Matt. 

That we wanted to make sure no one hurt them ever including Matt. It made me mad. That she had acted like she didn’t believe me when I told her he might be bad for them and then started questioning me and why I was so nervous about other people being around them. Like I myself wanted to hurt them like that. She had even brought up Cole because I had kissed him and she knew I had kissed him. That maybe I had…those behaviors in me because I was or might be gay.

She had ended up having several sessions alone with Julie and then her own therapist about it. It took her a while to trust John and me alone with them again. However, it had taken just as long for John and me to start trusting Bob with them. We hadn’t trusted Bob and for good reason. Because every adult man in our lives that had been around for more than 72 hours since we had moved to the US had been a child molester. They had looked at us like that, wanted us like that and our siblings like that. It made it hard to trust anyone and now we were back there. Back in that same place where no one was safe. Where everyone that looked at us was looking at us like that and it was a lot to deal with. My children were scared, my older brother was locked in my Da’s bedroom naked. My Da had taken my mum god knew where.

My Uncle had raped me in front of my little brothers, raped or molested two of them repeatedly since we had stepped off the fucking plane and now he was joking about it because him and Da had thought it would be funny to steal my little sister’s underwear and take clothing items from my little brothers that they had to “earn” back? You had to be fucking kidding me. I was at my breaking point. I didn’t know what to do.

“Matty can’t watch them,” I said shaking my head, “I’ll read them a bedtime story like I always do because you know what? That’s what I do for them. We’re scared you took our mum away. You brought us back here. Back here to him, to them. And they…they’re scared Ben. So, you’re going to let me do what I have to do to let them get a couple hours of sleep if they can. Because I know I’m not fucking sleeping tonight.”

“No, Matty can,” he said very calmly before he sighed, “Matty knows better than to do those things. He knows he’s not the only one that’s going to suffer the consequences if he steps out of line and touches what’s not his without permission. We started going over that the moment you all came home last year. So, you’re going to tell them if they want a story Matt is going to read it to them and if you want clothes to wear tomorrow instead of the covering Lionel has provided for you you’re going to earn some. Do you understand?”

“I don’t want Karen here tomorrow,” I told him.

“Fine she won’t be here if you earn the right to be on your own. You can earn yourself a pair of sweatpants too. Or, you can be a whiny bitch and walk around my bedroom fucking naked all day tomorrow while Karen makes sure everyone else is taken care of until we can hire real help because your cunt of a mum didn’t bother to mind her place.

And by the way, I didn’t take Danielle anywhere and you very well know that. So, if you want to blame someone for that, you blame her. Don’t you dare blame me. You’re lucky you aren’t mine to do things to. That this is all I’m allowed to do otherwise I would rip your fucking tongue out and shove it up your sweet little cunt for speaking to me like that. Don’t you dare ever blame me for something your bitch of a mum and your little whore ass and your brothers brought down on your own heads. Understand?” he hissed at me.

I hadn’t realized he was still mad at me. Not like that. I had known he was mad before we left because of…everything he had done. He was never one for the rules really but whenever he got mad he did things he wasn’t supposed to do. It didn’t matter who was telling him not to. Even if it was Da who was one of the very few people he actually tried to listen to but when he got angry, he got sloppy. He broke rules that someone in charge had given him. He had proven that with Da more than once. 

I don’t know why until that moment I hadn’t put that together. That the reason he had done that to me was because he was angry with me. Not just because he wanted to but because he was angry. Anger like Matt had said he was angry. Angry that I wasn’t his anymore. That everyone including me was suffering because I wasn’t fucking his anymore.

“Fine,” I said.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he said.

I was angry. I’m sure it was written all over my face how angry I was. He didn’t like me angry he wanted me scared. I was done being scared at that moment. I was so done being scared. I couldn’t feel scared anymore. He was going to do whatever it was he wanted to me whether I wanted him to or not. He was going rape whoever he wanted, torture whoever he wanted and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.

“Like what?” I asked him.

“Like you’re your fucking bitch mother. She’s written all over your face,” he told me.

“She is my mum,” I mumbled.

“You want to know something that surprised me about your mum?” Uncle Ben asked me, “That she didn’t have a dick because guess what before her your Da was all over anything that had one. We had our own apartment together and every day after school he begged me to let him suck it. Makes me wonder why you two aren’t sausage hounds like that. Your brother certainly is.”

“He’s … you know there’s something wrong with him,” I said quietly.

“Yeah well,” he said taking a couple steps towards me making me take a couple steps back causing him to shake his head, “I wish the same thing was wrong with you. Even though sometimes I wished you beg me to suck your cock.”

That felt like a punch to the stomach. I didn’t…I didn’t want to be with him like that. I didn’t ever want to be with him like that. I didn’t…I didn’t want any of them like that. I just wanted them to leave me alone. Him still coming towards me my back hitting the kitchen island lightly.

“You begged me for it once,” Uncle Ben said scanning my body with his eyes as I hugged myself. There was nowhere else to go. No more moves left to make. I had run out of room as he closed the distance between us resting his hands on the counter behind me on each side, trapping me in, “That was hot. You want to beg me again? Maybe you’ll earn a shirt too.”

No. No I wouldn’t do that again. I hated that. I didn’t want to do that. Because I knew how it…what it made people think of me. If anyone ever knew that I…I didn’t want to do that.

“Come on baby,” he said, “Earn them a little break. Earn yourself a little break. Like you said this isn’t just hard on you. You’d be really proud of Mike earlier. He was such a sport. Standing between us running his hands through my hair as he moaned. Matty enjoys everything just like your Da.”

That wasn’t ok. I didn’t need to know that. That wasn’t fair to him. If Mike had wanted me to know that he could have told me that while he was sobbing into my chest telling me he hadn’t wanted to. That he was scared and that he had done it so they wouldn’t hurt the babies. That he was…that he had been protecting them from not just Uncle Ben but Matt too.

“Don’t talk about him,” I said shaking my head, “ Just don’t talk about him ok?”

“I wish he didn’t cry so much,” Ben said, “He gets annoying. He’s a sweetheart and Matt’s favorite little toy for now but, he gets annoying. That makes Matt annoying. I wish Matt would beg me for it. He never does. Not the right way. He doesn’t ask me to do things to him. He asks me if he can do things to me.”

I sighed I didn’t want to hear any of this, “If I just do it will you stop talking about it?”

“Why?” he asked me touching my cheek making me look up at him, “Does it make you jealous? Please tell me it makes you jealous.”

It didn’t make me jealous. It made sick and angry. Mike didn’t deserve to be used like that neither did Matt. Because Matt might have been sick enough he liked it and he thought it was because they loved him but they were still using him. Using him to hurt other people. Turning him into a monster because they knew it would be easy. That it would be easy to make him like them. That maybe he even wanted to be like them.

“Does it? Please say it does baby,” Uncle Ben said, “Even if you don’t mean it just say it.”

“It makes me jealous,” I said before closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. I exhaled deeply doing the best I could to numb myself out. Because I knew if I did it I wouldn’t have to deal with Karen tomorrow. That my little brothers and sister could mourn our loss of freedom with me hopefully without having to be worried about what Da or Uncle Ben were going to do. At least for a little while. Because if I just did it I didn’t have to worry about Matty doing something to them because there wouldn’t be a moment where I wasn’t watching him. Where I didn’t have my eyes on him to make sure he didn’t do anything to hurt them.

“Yeah?” he asked me smiling, “You want to show me how jealous it makes you? Does it make you want me? Want me to suck you?”

I hated that. I hated it. I didn’t…I didn’t want him to do that. His mouth always felt cold and weird. It was too…too something. I didn’t like it when he did that. Just like I didn’t like it when Lionel did it. When they put their mouths down there.

I sighed nodding my head. Not because I wanted to but because if I did it we could have tomorrow to worry about where our mum was and worry about each other. For me to hold my kids as they cried because they were so scared of what Da was going to do to them. That way I didn’t have to worry about Uncle Ben doing to them what he was about to do to me.

“Ok baby,” he said wrapping his arms around me and smiling at me, “Come with me baby?”

I nodded my head. I felt dizzy. I remember feeling dizzy for some reason. Maybe it was my brain trying to go numb. Trying not to be scared or to cry. Trying to stop myself from feeling anything because to just feel was too painful, too emotionally painful.  
“God you’re so fucking sexy. I wish I didn’t have to share you, I’d love to make love to you until you couldn’t mewl anymore. Make you moan so loud and nut so hard that you went dry for a week,” he said picking me up and holding me bridal style carrying me over to the lift. Swinging us sideways and using the hand behind my back to press the button calling it to us.

Coming dry for a week? Most people think guys are a one and done but when you’re young your body does have the ability to hold it for a while it’s something a lot of people lose as they get older. He was talking about pushing me to the point where I was…where I had come so hard so many times my whole entire body would literally feel like it was on fire.

John and I had talked about that in brother sessions. How the older you got the more it hurt when they did that. The burn was stronger. It made harder it to walk, how it burned when you used the bathroom. We had talked about all of it. Some of it being very personal things that we agreed would never leave that room and never has. I wasn’t looking forward to that. To what he was about to do to me. The idea of it hurting making me feel conflicted because I didn’t want to hurt but, I didn’t want it not to hurt either.

The lift took us down to the second floor in silence him looking at me in his arms, like that. Like he wanted to…like he wanted my body. Like he didn’t care about me. Like I was just a pretty toy he could use to make himself feel good. Like I didn’t matter. When he got off the lift he went down the hall, his room.

I hated being in his room. Looking at those walls. That always meant it would last a long time. Those walls and that bed. That he would take his time with me. Enjoying my body and my moans that I tried to hold inside. Those sounds that meant my body was enjoying it. Enjoying what he was doing to me.

“God your so sexy,” he said as he landed with a light flump on the bed me still in his arms starting to kiss me his hands going to the hem of my shirt starting to tug on it, “I’ve missed you, baby, I’ve really missed you. You should feel how hard I am. I love you.”

He started kissing my stomach. Kissing my stomach as he used his hands to slide my shirt up my chest tickling my skin. I tried to stay numb. I tried so hard to stay numb but I felt my face starting to get warm as he slid his hands up my sides making sure his thumbs brushed my nipples as he pulled my shirt off over my head, his kisses chasing my shirt up my chest.

I didn’t want…I must have moaned or whimpered because he stopped pulling my shirt over my head, “You like that baby? I love you, I love you so much, baby. I’ve missed you so…” he kissed the center of my chest, “So much.”

I didn’t want him to have missed me. I wanted Beau. I wanted Beau and his eyes, his eyes that danced when they looked at me. Him telling me nothing I ever didn’t consent to, asking me if something was ok or telling me what he wanted to do before he did so I could tell him yes or no. I wanted Beau I didn’t want this. I didn’t want him.

“Uncle Ben I…,” I tried to ask, to plead as he started licking the center of my chest his hands going to the front of my Jeans undoing them.

I was going to start crying. I knew I was going to start crying. I had to do it. I had to man up and just do it and I didn’t want to. My whole body feeling heavy. Nothing had changed. Nothing. He and Lionel hadn’t changed at all. It was all going to be exactly the same.

“Do you want me baby?” he asked me.

I had to exhale deeply before I answered him. Before I said what he wanted me to say, what I knew he expected me to say, “Yeah.”

“Yeah what?” he asked me, “You want me to make love to you baby?”

Just like Lionel. He wanted me to say it. 

Just looking at him I couldn’t…I couldn’t stop myself. I started to cry the words coming out a whimper, “M-m-make lll-oove t-t-t-oo me Benny,”

“Yeah, I will baby don’t worry. I’ll make you feel so good, baby. I love you, I love you so much,” he said standing up and ripping his clothes off before he pulled my pants and underwear off leaving me laying there naked and frozen on his bed.

He started kissing my body, kissing my neck and chest moaning as he used his hands to push on my shoulder blades bringing my body closer to his mouth, close like he was trying to devour me. To kiss and lick every inch of my skin him latching onto one of my nipples making whole body shudder as his hands pitched and pulled.

I grabbed his biceps probably because of the angle I was laying at, him having flopped me down in the center of the bed nowhere near the pillows making it hard to find anything to grab onto. The pressure in my body was too much my anxiety too high as he put his mouth all over me.

“Yeah, baby? Does it feel good? I’m going to make you feel so good baby,” he said as he popped open the lid on a jar of Vaseline I don’t even remember him grabbing smearing a big glob of it over his hands before I felt one of his fingers, “tell me what you want. You want me to make love to you baby? You want me to love your sweet boy pussy?”

No, no I didn’t. I wanted him to stop. I had to force the words out as he pushed his finger in because I knew I had no choice, “I want you to make love to me.”

“And I want to make love you to baby, I want to make amazing love to you,” he said starting to thrust his finger in and out. His finger hitting that spot that I had showed to Beau.

That spot that I had introduced Beau to with my own fingers making me wish I was there with Beau and that I had never left. Instead of being with Beau though I was in bed with him. Wishing he’d just stop, that I didn’t have to be there. That I was anywhere else. I managed to keep mostly quiet me letting out a small hiss as the pressure started building my toes curling as I had no choice but to lay there with my legs spread and my knees bent to give him access.

I was doing it for them. I had to keep reminding myself of that so that I didn’t fight back. So that I didn’t do something stupid to make him even angrier and then probably get myself in trouble with Lionel each bump causing a small static shock to shoot up my spine causing the tickling sensation in my body to increase with each slow prod until the only thing I could do to keep myself silent was to fidget and squirm. His finger competing with my body to make contact with that spot as I moved trying to keep him away from it, trying to keep him from doing that.

“That’s right baby fuck yourself on my fingers. Let me make you feel good,” he muttered watching me closely, his eyes trained on me like someone watching a great film they couldn’t look away from the thought of him watching that intensely making my face heat up.

“Please,” I begged wishing he would just stop.

If he had been Beau I would have been begging him for another reason. But it wasn’t Beau. I knew that life was gone. I would never see Beau again. I would never have that life again.

“I know baby, I’ll make you feel so good,” he said grabbing a package and tearing it open with his teeth putting it on one-handed before he lined himself up, “You’re going to love how hard I am. It’s all for you baby. I’ve missed you so much. You have no idea how much I’ve missed you. God baby you have no…”

He slid in making me gasps the only reason it didn’t burn because he had used a generous amount of Vaseline to coat me. He found it right away, my prostate causing me to mewl. I hated that it felt good. Hated that my body wanted it.

I just wanted him to stop him leaning forward pushing my knees into my shoulders pushing inside me, “Yeah is that it baby? That’s It, isn’t it? Yeah, that’s my baby. God, I’ve missed you. I’ve missed this, us. You feel so good baby so amazing in your sweet little boy pussy.”  
I tried to ignore him. Ignore what he was saying and doing to my body, making me do. I hated it. I hated him, I hated being there. I hated everything. I hated the way he felt inside me like I was too full like I had to use the bathroom but I couldn’t. I hated the way that he kept cooing into my ear, kept telling me I felt good and that he had missed me.

“Tell me baby,” he moaned pushing in harder hitting it so hard it almost started to burn.

“Please…,” I said feeling my face heating up more my whole body heating up as it started to get closer to orgasm.

“That’s right baby tell me what you want, tell me you want me to fu…,” he groaned bumping into me, “shit yeah, that’s…say it.”

“I…fuck me,” I moaned.

“Yeah?” he smiled at me nodding his head pushing harder thrusting faster my body contracting as I squirted him kissing me hard, slamming his lips against mine. He stilled inside me for a minute or two letting my body relaxed before he thrust once or twice really hard finishing inside me before he pulled out lying next to me.

“That was amazing, how do you always feel so amazing?” he asked me rubbing my hip, my mark.

I didn’t want to be there anymore. Not that I had wanted to be there in the first place but I had kids I needed to get back to. Kids that I needed to make sure were ok. That I needed to make sure Matty hadn’t done anything to.

“I…I don’t know,” I said shrugging my shoulders,” Can I …?”

“You’re going to play shy with me baby? Stay with me,” he said hugging me before he started kissing my neck.

“Uncle Ben,” I said shaking my head, “Someone needs to take care of them.”

“Oh, I’m sure Daddy can help with that once he’s done playing with Johnny,” he told me.

“Please?” I said quietly.

“But I love this,” he said his hand going there, touching me, “I love your body. I love being with you like this. It’s better than being with Lionel, isn’t it? Because next time it’s going to be him. And I can promise you won’t like it. He won’t be nearly as nice as I’m being right now.”

“Because I left?” I asked him.

“That’s right. You don’t get to decide when you’re done with your contract. He does. It was bad form for you to leave. You know that and you know that’s why she’s not here now.”

“Matty will hurt them,” I said feeling like I was going to cry.

I knew he was telling the truth. That he was being honest and if it wasn’t for me letting mum leave she would be home with us. That we would have been fine. That mum would have been fine and Matty wouldn’t be alone upstairs with everyone with Mikey crying because he had…

“Why did you hurt Mike?” I asked him.

“I didn’t hurt him, I helped Matty play with him that’s all. I just made him feel good. I didn’t get anything out of it, not really. I didn’t want to do that with him. I wanted to save that for you and I did,” he said rubbing my lower stomach above my pelvis.  
I closed my eyes taking a deep breath. I just wanted to leave. I needed to leave. I needed to go back upstairs. Uncle Ben sighed into my collarbone lying more of his weight into me holding me, his breath tickling my skin as I laid there hoping he would just let me go.

“I could do this with you forever,” he told me, “But you are probably right. What with the babies up there and everything.”

“Did I get back some clothes?” I asked him.

“Yes,” he said nodding head before he kissed my cheek hopping out of bed and going into his closet before pulling down a pair of pants and throwing them on the bed next to me, “If I could I’d cover you in love marks.”

That’s what he and Da called hickeys. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to be covered in hickeys. Not the kind that stuck around. I didn’t want them seeing that. My little brothers and sisters, it was bad enough that he had already raped me in front of them. Da had already molested John in front of them, they didn’t need to see anymore.

I decided to ignore the comment putting on the pants he had given me, “What about Karen coming over tomorrow? Is she still coming over tomorrow?”

“I think it would be a good idea considering, yes,” Uncle Ben said, “If you want to go upstairs you can I’m going to shower and we’ll revisit this later ok baby?”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head numbly as I stood up and left the room shutting the door behind me.

I felt dirty. Disgusting. However, I knew I had kids I had to get back to. Kids that needed me, kids, that needed to be changed and bathed and put to bed. Kids that were upstairs alone while Da raped John because I knew that’s what was happening to him. That from the moment he had left that kitchen that had been his reality again, a reality that he had escaped and had been thriving without.

It had to be around 7pm when I took the lift upstairs and surprisingly Matt was in the living room alone the only thing on the glow of the TV, “Where is everyone?” I asked him.

“Mike is trying to put everyone to bed,” Matt answered without taking his eyes off the screen, “You might want to go help him. He changed Shay earlier and his nappy fell off not 20 minutes after.”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head.

“You aren’t going to say anything?” Matt asked me causing me to turn around and look back in his direction even though he kept his eyes trained on the TV.

“What is there to say? You did what you wanted. You’ve wanted to be back here, now we are. There isn’t anything else to say, Matt,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“You’re not going to tell me how I was mean to him? How I hurt him? You know it’s better him than anyone else. And it’s better me than Uncle Ben,” Matt said.

“Matt,” I sighed folding my arms across my bare chest, “Uncle Ben told me all about it. Don’t pretend you weren’t given a choice. Don’t pretend you did it to protect him. You did it for the same reason he does because you wanted to. It’s that simple. You’ll be sleeping in your own room tonight and Mike will be sleeping with me.”

“We’ll see,” Matt muttered as I walked down the hall.

I sighed. Matt was right I couldn’t protect everyone. I could try but there wasn’t enough room to shove all of us into the nursery not that Da would show up for the rest of the night anyway. He would probably be too busy with John to do anything to anyone else. At least for that one night. Uncle Ben and Matt though…that was a different story and I knew it. If Uncle Ben had been eyeing Andy when we left that wouldn’t have changed. It would probably only be worse unless I…somehow managed to keep him away from them. From all of them and I didn’t see how that was going to happen.

I walked to the nursery door and found Mike there rocking Mary in his arms in the rocking chair talking to her softly. I didn’t hear what he said but when I opened the door he looked up his body language changing him holding her a little more tightly in his arms his eyes going wide.

“It’s just me pal,” I said, “Is everything ok?”

“Yeah, I think I got it,” Mike said quietly nodding his head, “Pull-ups are easy. Nappies are hard.”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “You did a good job though. Almost everyone is already asleep.”

“Yeah, almost,” he agreed, “I didn’t… I didn’t want to leave yet.”

“I don’t blame you. Where are James and Cat?” I asked him.

“Their rooms,” he said, “I told them to go there and not come out. I didn’t…I don’t…”  
He was struggling. Struggling with what Uncle Ben and Matt had done to him. Usually, he wasn’t so unsure of his words. So scared. I think he knew. Knew we were in serious trouble without mum around or John. Knew that someone was going to have to walk the plank and that he was trying to internally make choice.

A choice no one should ever have to make of who would be more helpful to have well and not…not trapped in a bed somewhere. That he knew it wouldn’t be Matty because Matty wanted to hurt everyone too that he knew it would probably be him. That it would be best if it was him even if he didn’t want it to be.

We both knew it. We both hated it. It wasn’t fair to him. He was nine years old. He shouldn’t have to feel like his body was up for grabs because if it wasn’t him it would someone else. Someone else who couldn’t handle it or who needed to be there to take care of everyone else. He was just a scared little boy but he knew if he kept Matty busy that Uncle Ben would probably be there too and that would keep him busy which would leave me to make sure everyone else was safe and stayed asleep and as unaware of what was going on as we could keep them while John was with Da.

“It’s ok pal,” I said nodding my head, “I’ll check the nappies and make sure they’re on good and put them down ok?”

He nodded his head going to stand up before I went over to him taking Mary from his arms and taking her over to the changing table, “I’m sorry Willy,” he said suddenly.

“For what? You didn’t do anything,” I said to him.

“For…for him,” Mike said, “I told mum everything so she would make him get better but…he…I think he’s worse.”

“You didn’t do that. That’s on him. We’ll figure something out ok? You don’t need to feel guilty for him,” I told Mike, “Do you want to go and huh, sit with James and Cat? I’ll be in shortly I want to talk to you guys ok?”

He nodded his head and left shutting the nursery door behind him. I changed nappies to find he didn’t do too bad of a job with the three of them. I was really impressed that he had done it so well. I mean it wasn’t his first time changing a diaper but he wasn’t that great at it but he did a good job that time. I wanted to shower and what not but first I really did want to talk to Cat, Mike, and James.

It was important that they understood what was happening. That we were on our own with this. That Matt wasn’t going to help us, that he wasn’t better. It was important that they understood how sick he was. That he was sick like Da and Uncle Ben that there was something seriously wrong with him. It was important that they understood what we were up against. That it was us against everyone else and that we needed to depend on each other, talk to each other.

I knocked on Jay’s bedroom door and opened it finding all three of them sitting there on Jay’s bed together. They were almost in a huddle, James was sitting in Mike’s lap and Cat in Jay’s lap. They looked tired, scared. Mike sighing in relief a little bit when I shut the door behind me.

“Hey,” I said.

“Do you know where mummy is?” Cat asked me.

“No,” I shook my head, “I know what Da told all of us that Mum is away somewhere. I don’t know where though. Can I talk to you guys about some stuff?”

“Are you going to sit down Willy?” Jay asked me.

“Yeah,” I said sitting down on the edge of the bed, “Ok now. We all knew Matty was sick, right?”

Everyone nodded their heads at me, “Well, he’s like Da and Uncle Ben. Matt has talked about wanting to…hurt the babies or share his love with them and we don’t want that. We talked about that in therapy, remember how that isn’t how you show people you love them, not really. So, I think it’s best if we all try to make sure Matty isn’t alone with the babies.”

“Isn’t it possible he’s alone with them right now?” Catty pointed out to me.

“Yes, but I have a feeling that he’s not. We should have a serious talk about being open with each other though. You know what John went through because he didn’t talk about it. Because we don’t talk about it. Da and all of that so we need to start talking about it. And we need to try and stop letting him and uncle Ben use us against each other ok? As best we can,” I told them.

“You mean how he says they’ll hurt someone else if we don’t do what they want?” Mike asked, “Because I’m not going to let them hurt Andy or James or Cat. I won’t.”

“That’s how I feel about all of you,” I told him, “So maybe we need to stop trying to keep them from hurting someone else and start being there for each other after it happens? I know it sounds bad but maybe after we hit like say 10 years old we need to agree we’ll quit stopping them and be there to listen to each other instead to hold each other and tell each other it’s ok?”

“But you…you have to take care of the babies,” Mike said, “I can’t not…”

“Hey, that won’t be forever. Once mum comes home or once we have help I’m not going to let them hurt you ok? I know we’re in a tight spot where we have no choice right now but that’s not always going to be the case. I don’t want this for you. You don’t deserve this.

None of us do. So, for right now we do what we must and when we get help when someone gets here that can help us we go back to how it was before until we’re 10. They threaten anyone under 10 we all shut our mouths and do what we’re told anyone over we try our best to fight that instinct and let what’s going to happen, happen. Because last time this happened and it was us alone Da and Uncle Ben would tell us that if we did what they wanted they wouldn’t you, or Matt or James and they still did anyway and you know that because we talked about it with Julie. There’s no sense in trying to protect each other from something that’s going to happen anyway ok?”

“Ok,” Mike said hugging James and rubbing his shoulders, “Him too though?”

“He’s six so no. We do what we can for Catty and James and everyone else. I wanted them to know though. That they don’t protect us because we all know they use that threat on all of us. We’re older, they shouldn’t feel like they have to protect us,” I said to Mike.

“We’re right here,” Jay said quietly, “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“I think it is,” Mike said, “We’re supposed to keep you safe not the other way around. Ok? Let us keep you safe don’t…if we need you after everything happens after they…r-rape us we’ll let you know but otherwise just worry about yourselves. Because if you don’t take care of yourselves you can’t help us take care of the babies and we’re going to need help with that without mum here and with John busy. So please guys?”

“What about Matty?” Cat asked, “He ignores me but I know…”

“I’ll worry about Matty,” Mike said, “He won’t…if I’m careful he won’t hurt anyone else. I’ll make sure.”

“Mike…,” I said shaking my head.

“No, we all know it. Ok, I’ll take care of him. I’ll make sure he doesn’t hurt anyone else. Just…” his chin started wobbling hugging James closer to his chest, “be there. Please, please don’t…”

“Oh pal,” I said climbing over to them and joining their little pile, “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that I can’t protect you from this right now. I’m sorry that I’m …that I can’t fix this.”

“It’s ok to be scared Mikey,” James said, “I’m scared too but as long as we’re together we’ll be ok. That’s what Willy always says and Jack too.”

“That’s right, if we’re together it will be ok,” I assured them, “Did everyone brush their teeth?”

“Yeah,” Cat and Jay said in unison.

“Good I think it’s time for bed,” I told everyone as Cat got up hugging me tightly, “Mike if you don’t want to be alone tonight you don’t have to be ok?”

“Is that ok?” he asked me.

“We shared a room for nearly seven months. I can share a bed with you for a couple of nights to get used to being back here ok?” I told him nodding my head.

“Thanks,” he muttered.

“Yeah, goodnight Jay. Are you going to be ok on your own?” I asked him as Mike kissed his forehead tucking him in.

“Yeah, if I’m not I can come see you though, right?” he asked me.

“Yeah, you can come see us. It might get crowded but, it should be ok,” I told him, “I love you.”

I kissed his forehead too and gave him a hug. This was hard, scary. But they needed to try and sleep in their own rooms because I could only picture Da tolerating that for so long. Us sharing rooms for so long when we had such a big house our floor having seven bedrooms on its own with four bathrooms and the next floor down having three bedrooms and the floor after that having another three. It was a lot of rooms for us to be cramming our multiple bodies into one or two rooms a night and da would get tired of it and take extreme measures to stop it from happening.

I imagined that eventually, the red rooms would come into use just to start separating us at night if we didn’t do it ourselves. Doing it ourselves would be a lot less painful for everyone. A lot easier for everyone. Mike and I went to go tuck Cat in her little voice asking for us as we turned off the light.

“Yeah Catty?” Mike asked her quietly.

“What if Daddy comes around? Tonight,” she asked us.

“I don’t think Da will be coming around tonight but if he does. You tell us ok?” I told her.

“Ok,” she nodded her head, “I’m scared.”

“Me too,” Mike said, “We’ll be ok though. Somehow you know that John and Will are going to do everything they can to keep us safe. And I am too. I promise Cat. I promise I’ll always try to keep you safe.”

“You’re scared too though?” Cat asked him.

“Yeah,” Mike said nodding his head and sitting down on the edge of her bed biting his bottom lip thoughtfully. It was something I noticed Mike did a lot in therapy when he was nervous about something, upset about something. Almost like how John always touched his tongue to his back molar or how everyone pointed out I blushed. It was his tell, “I’m really scared. Because of Matty. He…every time I visited him he seemed to be getting better and maybe he is because he…he used to think about things. Bad things all the time. All the time and I could see them but since we got home not really. Not with anyone but…me.”

So maybe Uncle Ben had been telling the truth when he had told me he was just helping Matt. Helping Matt do things to Mike. I couldn’t imagine how badly that made Mike feel knowing that Matt wanted to do those things to him, wanted to hurt him. He loved Matty so much. Matty was his twin, the one person he shared everything with and yet Matty wanted to hurt him. Matty the one person that he had a bond with that no words could describe.

“I’m sorry Mikey,” Cat said, “Is it really bedtime?”

“Yes Catty,” I said, “Come on Mike,” grabbed his shoulders giving them a reassuring squeeze before I went over and kissed Cat again, “Goodnight Catty. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Catty said, “I love you too Mikey,”

With that I shut the door, “You’re going to come with me tonight, right?”

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head as we walked over to my bedroom door. 

“I’m going to shower before I climb into bed are you going to be ok?” I asked him.

“Yeah, I just…I don’t want to see him tonight,” he told me shaking his head as he pulled back the bed covers climbing into my bed.

“You think he’d do that?” I asked him.

Mike nodded his head staring at his hands as he did so, “He’s missed me. I just…I was hoping it’d be more normal. I love him, I do I just…I don’t like doing that all the time like he does.”

“All the time?” I questioned him.

He nodded his head, “It started with every time Uncle Ben asked and then after that, it was only when he could get me to agree to it. And then before we left it was…I’d tell him no and he’d do it anyway. It made me so mad. I told Julie and mum about it. Julie and mum said he was getting better but that he had a lot of stuff to work on. It doesn’t hurt like when Uncle Ben does because it’s…,” he trailed off shrugging his shoulders, “I don’t like it though. I tell him I don’t like it but before he…he’s nice sometimes. Before he…” he bit his bottom lip.

So, Matt had been raping him before we left. Or at least molesting him. Doing something to him that he was afraid of seeing him that night. Afraid of Matt sneaking into his room. Touching him, making him do those things.

I was about to ask what he meant but he sighed, “Maybe I’m wrong. I like the kissing it’s nice. I know we’re not supposed to but it makes me feel…safe and…I don’t like the other stuff though. I don’t like it when he tries to …when he takes my pants off and stuff. I’m not ok with that and I tell him that and he…”

“It’s ok pal,” I told him, “It’s ok. Just because you want to kiss someone, him doesn’t mean you want to do the other stuff ok? It doesn’t mean you want him to put his hands there you have the right to tell him no.”

“That’s what Julie said,” Mike said, “He didn’t like hearing no though. Not…not after a while. I like kissing him Julie said it’s because of Da. Because Da told us from the time we were little you know…that…”

“Real love kisses I know,” I said.

“Julie said we were going to work on getting away from it later. That it was harder for us because we were us. That she thinks we have group mind. That we can just tell each other’s feelings and thoughts because we’re us and we’re special. That she’d help us move to…towards being more like normal twins,” Mike told me.

“I see,” I said, “Well I’m going to go shower and then we’ll go to bed ok?”

“Ok,” Mike said nodding his head, “Thank you for letting me sleep in here tonight.”

“Pal, I love you,” I said, “I love you and this is hard and I know what they did…that was hard. And I know you need me ok? There’s nothing wrong with needing me.”

“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “When you come back out you’re coming to bed too right?”

“Yes of course,” I said, “I’ll be back in a little bit.”

“Ok. I love you,” Mike said.

“I love you too Pal,” I said shutting the bathroom door and turning on the shower. I stripped out of my pants. The only clothes that I had managed to “earn” according to Uncle Ben. 

I felt nervous thinking about what else I would have to do to earn back my clothes and what would happen when I saw Lionel. What he would do to me when he saw me on Friday. How badly he would punish me for what he knew I had done. For Beau and everything, I had done with him. For letting mum take me away, take all of us away.

I showered washing it away. Washing everything Uncle Ben had made me do away, trying to enjoy using the bathroom without someone walking into pee. Without someone asking me if I was finished or rushing me because I was going to take up all the hot water. It was nice me just enjoying rinsing the bad stuff away, rinsing his spit away from my skin and the lube, rinsing the feeling of his hands away.

When I was done I put my pants back on and climbed into bed falling into an uneasy and restless sleep, wondering what our first full day back would bring. What it would do to us and if we could survive any of it without mum.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They are now home. Da and Uncle Ben make it very clear what their future is going to look like. Will pondering some things and coming to different conclusions including the relationships of other people in the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 758 to 790 **Warnings: Rape/non-con, forced kissing, forced oral, forced rimming, forced anal, forced handjob, forced chemical play, bullying, hints of incest romantic/emotional incest (both forced and not forced), Mental health issues, anxiety, PTSD**
> 
> I think that's a decent warning I'm probably forgetting something but anyway, translations are in the (...) and that's pretty much I think for the most part. This will probably be the only time I post this week because I have a lot going on. I cut this chapter down because for some reason my chapters are getting longer. **John Part 2 Chapter 1**

I woke up the next morning the sound of a tiny whimper before someone wrapped their arms around my waist causing my eyes to snap open in shock before I realized it was just Mikey. Mikey hugging me in his sleep. I yawned and rubbed his arm slightly as I looked over at my clock that was facing me the numbers 7:00 flashing at me. 

Now that woke me up even more. It was amazing the babies weren’t screaming yet and just because they weren’t at the moment meant that they probably would be soon me untangling myself from Mike’s arms.

“Holo axalo ug keick?” he muttered at me sleepily. (Where are you going?)

“What? Mike Pal, I should get up, ok? The babies are going to be up in a minute,” I said.

He sat up yawning before he rubbed his eyes sleepily, “Oh. I…sorry.”

“It’s ok pal,” I said, “I have to go check on everyone though. I’ll be back in a little bit ok?”

“Ok,” he said nodding his head before he laid back down.

I heard James talking to someone as I opened my bedroom door finding John’s door a jar and hearing Jay talking to John before he walked out of the room. His eyes looking sad, hurt.

“What’s wrong bud?” I asked him quietly.

“I think Jack is mad,” he told me.

“Jack’s back?” I questioned.

“He just went to go shower,” Jay answered me nodding his head, “I think he’s mad at me.”

“I don’t think he’s mad at any of us, I think maybe he’s just mad that we’re back here,” I told him, “It’ll be ok though. We’ll figure it out. Why don’t you go and ask Mike to pour some cereal and I’ll be back shortly ok?”

“Are you sure?” he asked hugging me as I rubbed the top of his head before untangling another body from mine again that morning.

“Aye, I’m sure. Go on. I’ll be there in a couple of minutes. I’m going to go talk to him,” I told him to which he nodded his head going down the hall to my bedroom as I shut the door to John’s room, shutting them out so I could check on him. So, I could check and see how bad off he was, how much damage Da had done. I knew my body felt sore but I imagined whatever Da had subjected him to was worse.

The way Da had been so aggressive at dinner grabbing him like that, grinding on him like that. I imagined Da just…I didn’t imagine it leading to anything good once he was out of sight. I approached his bathroom door which was slightly cracked. The water must have been on high and as hot as he could make it, the room already filled with steam and the mirror already covered in condensation. I sighed sitting down on the toilet as I listened to the water run.

“James is confused. He thinks you’re mad at him,” I said after a minute of silence.

“I’m not mad at him. I’m mad at this,” John answered sighing as his silhouette leaned back against the tub sitting down on the other side of the curtain, “You know what Da is doing to me right? Well, on my way up here to get dressed guess who stopped me and said if I didn’t just lay there they would come after him, after James to get what they wanted? I can’t see my friends, I can’t sleep in my own bed…,” John’s voice started breaking as he fought back tears, “…I can’t have my mum. I can’t even be upset about it because guess what? There are 10 other people that I have to take care of and I have to bend over every time one of them says fucking bend over in to make sure they keep their hands off everyone else.”

It wasn’t just him who had to deal with that. He wasn’t alone in feeling like that was his only option. Even Mike felt that way, he felt that way to the point where he had let Matt and Uncle Ben do stuff to him so that they wouldn’t hurt anyone else. Him crying into my arms telling me that he hated it. That he hated being here because it was so wrong and it made him feel so gross and dirty. Our nine-year-old brother felt dirty because of our uncle making him do those things, his twin making him do those things. John was very far from alone.

“Don’t think you’re alone in this. He doesn’t mean anything by asking questions. He’s confused because he’s six and he doesn’t understand what you did, that the kiss was to keep him safe. To keep them safe. He thinks it’s because you wanted to. He doesn’t get it. He’s too young ok? That’s probably why Da is doing it in the first place so he can keep brain washing them into accepting it like he’s always tried to do. It’s our job, mine and yours to make sure they understand that anything he does is not normal and it’s not ok, you understand me?” I explained to him.

“How do I do this?” He muttered barely audible above the running water, “He wants me to meet him downstairs so he can…I already want to cut my skin off and I don’t see any way out of this.”

“I don’t think there is a way out of this,” I told him sadly, “Not without mum. We just have to make sure everyone understands he’s not a good person, that what he does is wrong. That’s all we can do.”

“That’s not enough!” He said forcefully causing me to jump a little out of surprise and anxiety, “Don’t you get it Will? That’s not enough. We’re not enough. We can’t stop him.”

“I know,” I said, “You think I don’t realize that? I held Mike last night while he cried because Matt is just like Uncle Ben and they hurt him. They hurt him while you were with Da and I was watching James, Cat, Andy and Lar while they finished eating. Ok? I don’t know what …he didn’t tell me what they did but he knows it’s not going to be the only time Jack, he knows just like I know and so do you. I know we can’t stop them. We’re all aware of that. I had a talk with them last night.”

“About what, Matt and how he’s just as sick as they are apparently?” John asked.

“That yeah and about…anyone that’s younger than them, then Mike and Matt we protect them. But we can’t…if they threaten me you must stop intervening, same if they use you or Mike as a threat against me. That’s the only way we’re going to be able to do this. That’s the only way that I see us even…I don’t know what to fucking do. I’m scared,” I admitted.

“I know,” John answered sighing heavily, “He wasn't always like this. When we were little for a while he seemed almost normal. Sometimes, I think it’s my fault, all of this.”

“How would this be your fault? How is the fact that he’s a nasty person your fault?” I asked him shocked.

I mean I felt the same way but, it really was my fault. John had begged me to tell mum not to let us come to the states with him in the first place. If we hadn’t of been here to abuse maybe things wouldn’t have gotten as bad as they did. Maybe he would have never allowed it to get as bad as it had.

Sure, he had been touching us back home but it hadn’t been every night and it hadn’t really been rape. Not like it was once we had gotten there, to Florida. That was a whole different level of depravity he had started subjecting us to. A level that mum and us couldn’t deal with and that’s why we had left. If I would have just admitted to mum what Da was doing at home then we never would have gone with him and things might have been ok. 

So, where John felt he was to blame I knew I was. I knew it was my fault and not John’s. I was sure of it. I was sure there wasn’t anything I could do to not make it my fault even after working in therapy for nearly seven months trying to rewire my brain into believing that it wasn’t.

That those things, those behaviors and feelings were already there in Da and were going to surface eventually whether or not John and I ever did anything to “cause” them to show. That the seed was already planted and it was just a matter of time before thought turned into action. Because daydream turned into touch and touch turned into…that.

“I don’t know,” he answered, “I just feel like it is. I mean he didn’t use to be nearly this bad when we were younger and then I got older and things…things just got different.”

“You mean we started growing up?” I asked him, “John it’s normal to grow up. I know he’s gotten more handsy with you, me too but it’s not our fault, ok? You’re supposed to grow up, we’re supposed to grow up.”

He sighed heavily as I watched his silhouette wrap its arms around the rest of himself as he leaned even further down into the tub almost laying down at the bottom of it before he spoke shaking his head slowly as it looked like his face was pointed downwards, like he was staring at his feet at the other end of the tub while he spoke, talking to his toes instead of talking to me.

“Not like this. Pat said it would get better as we got older but, it’s only getting worse. The way he…it’s just worse Will. It’s a lot worse and we’ve only been back like a day. I just keep thinking about last time. How he didn’t let me wear clothes so he could do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. I can’t do that again. I’ll die. I will. I’ll kill myself. I can’t be his fuck toy. I can’t do it.”

He sounded desperate. I knew he couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it either but we had to. We didn’t have a choice. Not with them to look out for and mum gone. We both knew it. We both wanted to tear our skin off and scream but had no choice but to push it all back and hold it in and hope to god that mum came home soon. That mum would be ok and we could keep going until she did come home. 

“You are doing it. And you’re doing the best you can,” I told him.

“And it’s not good enough ok? I feel like beyond gross and you know what they’re going to eventually do? Make all of us do it. Probably to each other too. And I can’t…because you know he hasn’t forgotten what we said,” he muttered.

What was he…oh. The promise we made. The promise we made that if he didn’t let Lionel hurt James that he would…him and I would…I had forgotten about that it was so long ago.

I knew that was something they did but I hated believing, imagining that it would ever happen. That I would ever have to do that with John. With any of them. It was bad enough Uncle Ben had made them watch, had let Matt hold my legs as he had…I couldn’t even think about it. The thought making my whole-body shudder as my stomach started turning like I was about to retch.

That wasn’t ok. I wasn’t ok with doing that. Not with John, not with any of them. That wasn’t something you did with your brother. It just wasn’t. The realization that I was stuck back in the place where that was a reality I was facing feeling like a punch to the stomach. I didn’t want to have sex with John. Not ever, not any of them. Not ever.

“I know,” I managed to get out after swallowing the bile back down my throat, “I’m not looking forward to it. Do you think he’ll tape it?”

I saw his silhouette shake its head vigorously, “I don’t know. I can’t tell you I don’t want to do it.”

John opened the curtain peering out at me. Looking at me his eyes sad, seeming lost, seeming to reflex the fear I felt. The desperation of being stuck there. Of being trapped with Da and Uncle Ben again with no mum and no hope of getting out.

“Well, I didn’t think you did. Just saying,” I told him.

“Yeah,” John said nodding his head giving me a small smile, “At least we know we’re not like Da because of that fact. Da seems to have no problem with fucking someone he’s related to.”

“Our lives are so sad we have to joke about that,” I said shaking my head, “What are you plans for today?”

“Probably hide somewhere hoping that I can avoid being found for a lunch quickie,” John answered candidly causing me to cover my mouth with my hand in shock.

That was a reality we did have to face though. Da and Uncle Ben if they wanted it, they’d take it. It didn’t matter what time of the day it was. Who was there, what was happening if they…they would do it. It was better John or me than anyone else though and we both knew that.

“Sound like fun,” I answered sarcastically, “My plan is diapers and probably tella tubbies.”

“Sound thrilling,” John told me before leaning forward and turning off the water as he closed the curtain.

I got up and grabbed the towel off the back of his bathroom door. I didn’t need to see him naked. I’d seen him naked more times than I would have liked in my life at that point considering we were both growing boys and brothers at that. But when you had 9 other siblings and one bathroom you saw a lot of things that you didn’t really want to see. Me handing him the towel through the curtain while I turned my head away.

“Thanks,” he muttered taking it from me.

“No problem. I mean I don’t want to see you naked,” I said as he towel dried his head and wrapped the towel around his waist before he opened the curtain.

“Well then you better leave so I can get dressed,” he said as I walked out into his bedroom and then shut his bedroom door behind him going over the nursery. I made sure that everyone was up and ready to be moved, moving first Mary and then Seamus before I let everyone else out of their cribs and we made our way out into the living room to find Mike helping everyone pick out their cereal for the morning John wondering out as I got to the kitchen myself and grabbing the milk, starting to top bowls off for the morning.

“You ok bud?” John asked James as he poured some milk into his bowl.

Jay looked at him, almost cocking his head to the side like he had to think about his answer. Like he was trying to read John’s expression before he answered. Before he told John how he was feeling. Him doing exactly what we had discussed not doing. Not sparing each other, not protecting anyone older than ourselves. I meant that in every way not just with Da and Uncle Ben but, in every way.

“Yeah, I think so,” he answered after a minute.

John must have caught it too, his hesitation in answering because he sighed smiling at him before he poked him on the nose with his index finger causing Jay to smile at him, “Something on your mind?” he asked him.

“Why’d you let him, do it?” Mike asked speaking before James could answer.

I knew what they were talking about. I figured it would come up. That they would eventually ask both of us why. Why we hadn’t protested more when they had done that to us in front of them. Kissed us like that, done the other stuff they had done.  
“What?” John asked quietly his eyes briefly landing on Mike.

“You know, kiss you like that,” Mike answered him.

His voice was quiet. Like he was ashamed to be asking. Like he was ashamed that he wanted to know why. That he was even questioning it when it was something I was sure they were all questioning because they didn’t understand it the way we did. What it meant to be their older brothers. What it meant to try and protect them the best way we could and that in that moment John letting Da grope him like that, touch him like that. That’s what he had been doing. He had been protecting them.

John sighed heavily as he looked at him his tongue going to his back molar as he sat down at the table with everyone looking at all of them like he was thinking about what he was going to say before he inhaled deeply and spoke, “He said if I didn’t he would do worse things to me that you shouldn’t have to see. I’m sorry you guys had to see that. I want you guys to understand that kissing someone like that isn’t right. Especially your Da ok? Once we are all older and we love someone in a romantic way then it’s ok but until then you shouldn’t kiss people like that.”

“Worse things like what Uncle Ben does to us?” Mike asked John but glanced at me.

I wondered why he didn’t just say it. Didn’t just tell John about what Uncle Ben had done, had made me do. How he had raped me in front of them. How he had put his mouth and his hands and his body all over mine. How they had cried for me, begged him not to hurt me when I asked him not to. Not to put his mouth there. Not to touch me like that. To just stop.

“Yes,” John answered quietly.

“Does Da still do that stuff to you?” Catty asked John, “touches you where he’s not supposed to?”

“Catherine,” I said, “You shouldn’t ask people that. You know Da touches you like that so can we all just assume he does it to everyone here and leave it at that?”

I didn’t want to hear about it. We were all stuck in the middle of it. I knew it was the only thing anyone wanted to talk about. It was flashing in our faces like a bright neon light. It wasn’t going away anytime soon and we all knew it. We were back there and they were going to do whatever they wanted to whoever they wanted and there wasn’t anything we could do to stop them. To make them not hurt us and we all knew that.

I didn’t see the point in going over that again and again but, she was little. She was five. She was asking the same questions over and over in hopes that it would click, that she would somehow understand it better than the last time someone answered her. Hoping that she would see something different, something that she hadn’t seen before but I was tired. I was so tired and worn down. I’d been raped twice and I had been home for maybe 18 hours. I had held my little brother who had cried on and off in his sleep all night because he had been raped. I had woken up to find my older brother in the shower because he had probably been raped repeatedly overnight by our father who had made him stay in his room. John shooting me a look and shaking his head at me.

“Sorry,” Cat said quietly.

“It’s ok Cat,” John said to her smiling, “I understand why you are asking but you really shouldn’t ask right now ok?”

“Ok,” she said before she spooned some cereal into her mouth.

“Well I’m done eating,” Jay said standing up and grabbing his bowl, “Do I just put it in the sink?”

“Yeah bud,” John said, “How about because I’m finished too we grab Mac, Mary and Shay and head into the Livingroom. We’ll pick a movie ok?

“Aladdin?” James asked.

“If it’s downstairs yeah,” John said nodding his head before he grabbed Mary out of her highchair handing her over to Jay, “Remember to make sure you hold her by her bottom and don’t let it drag down otherwise it might hurt her arms.”

That made me smile. James was only six. He wasn’t very big at all and Mary was six months. When he did try to hold her often if it was without a reminder he did try and hold her up by wrapping his arms around her body under the armpits instead of the waist so John put Mary in Jay’s arms with her facing him and make sure he wrapped his arms together so she was more sitting on his arms than anything else. 

“Hi Mary, did you sleep good?” he asked her before he yawned in her face, talking to her quietly as John grabbed Mac.

“I’m almost done can I have a baby?” Cat asked me.

“How about we let Mike grab the next baby when he’s ready? You’re still little the babies are too heavy for you,” I told her.

“No, they aren’t. I hold them all the time,” she told me.

“When you are sitting down yes,” I agreed, “But, when you’re standing I think they are still a little too heavy Cat so let’s let Mike get him.”

“Ok, I’m going to get him now,” Mike said standing up and taking his bowl to the sink before I helped him undo Seamus and get him out of the highchair before I let Lar down too because she was fussing.

“I didn’t mean to make you sad, you know?” Cat asked me.

“I know Cat,” I sighed, “It’s not your fault I’m just tired ok? I’m just really tired.”

I was tired. I was tired of being there and taking care of everyone. I was tired of mum not being around nor Carmen. I was tired of not seeing Beau. I was just beyond tired. Cat and Matt both standing up and putting their bowls in the sink before heading towards the living room. When I got there John was refiling through movies trying to find the right one me going over and checking the movie drawer instead of the pile on the floor next to the VCR and picking it up putting it into the machine and pressing play before I hurried back to the kitchen turning on the facet and starting to wash dishes.

I heard someone coming into the room behind me John lingering near the threshold looking back slightly before he glanced at me like he was nervous. Like there was something going on with him that he wanted to talk about. Wanted to get off his mind me gesturing at him as he walked over to me picking up a plate from the sink me taking it back.

“Just dry,” I told him washing the plate with the sponge before I started rinsing it off, “So on a more interesting and less depressing note. Have you seen or talked to him yet?” I asked him smiling.

Pat. The love of his life. The one person he shared everything with that he thought he would never see again. The one person that knew his every thought, every tear. The one person he really wanted to be with.

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head, “I snuck out the morning and saw him for a little while.”

“So, how did that go?” I asked him wondering if he had felt nervous or if the same feelings were there that had always been. Wondering if it would be the same for Cole and me. If just seeing him would bring the feeling of butterflies in my stomach back and make me forget about Beau or if everything would be different now. Would be something else entirely. If he would even want to see me.

“He told me he has a contract so anything that might happen has to wait until March when the contract between him and the guy that signed it is up. We have to be extra careful, no messing around. He said he was sorry for kissing me after he did it I might add,” John told me smiling at the bowl he was cleaning.

My stomach felt a little hallow. Pat was in a contract? A contract like what I had with Lionel? That was horrible, painful. Having someone tell you what to do like that. Demanding you do what they want, hang out with who they want. All those things that were involved in it. Maybe even deciding what you ate. It was hell. And I was in one. I was in one that I couldn’t tell anyone about. That I couldn’t tell John about.

Mum knew that Lionel had hurt me but she didn’t know I was in a contract with him that I was his. In that way. John didn’t know at all. I was going to tell him at our next brother session about all of that but that session had never happened. I had never gotten the chance.

“Ouch,” I muttered quietly, “At least you know he’s still very interested, are you?”

“Am I interested in him?” John asked looking at me raising his eyebrows like I was nuts to even ask, “Yeah, I kind of never really got over him.”

“What about Heather?” I asked him.

So, was he just dating Heather to try and get past Pat? To try to get over him? That wasn’t fair to Heather at all. None of that seemed fair. Using someone else to get over someone you couldn’t be with. That wasn’t fair to anyone.

“Heather and I never went as far as Pat and I did, like we got pretty fair,” John told me causing me to nearly drop the plate I was washing.

“Woah, are you telling me you’ve had sex? Like sex, sex?” I asked him staring at him watching his face start to turn almost the same shade of red as his hair.

“No. We’ve kind of been over this, haven’t we? Not sex, sex, just like fooled around,” he told me shrugging his shoulders, “Heather was more normal though. The most we ever did was kiss.”

“But you more than kissed Pat?” I asked him.

He hadn’t really talked a lot about him and Pat and what had gone on between them. It had mostly been about Da and Uncle Ben and all of that when we had a brother or family session together with Julie. He had told me how he loved Pat. How he really had loved him that they had kissed and cuddled and made out but he hadn’t told me too much more about it.

“No,” John said shaking his head lightly, “No, all we did really was kiss too. Just the places we kissed each other wasn’t always on the lips.”

Oh. Was that why he had been so upset about what I had done with Beau because he hadn’t taken it that far? Had he been scared like I had been with Beau? Scared of him putting his mouth there, freezing up when I felt his hands on my butt because I was afraid he was…that he would stick his mouth there his tongue there. Do those things that only Lionel and Uncle Ben had ever done those things that scared me. That didn’t feel ok.

“Holy shit,” I muttered, “So, what was it like?”

He sighed looking at me, “Not cold and shaky surprisingly. It was more warm and soft and smooth. It was nice.” He answered.

So that experience had been the same for him as it was for me. Making the choice, not being told you had to making it feel somehow different, somehow better.

“So, different from them?” I asked him.

“A whole different world,” John agreed nodding his head.

“That’s actually good to know,” I said feeling myself laugh lightly with relief in knowing I wasn’t weird or crazy that it actually felt different. Felt right.

“Don’t,” John said frowning at me.

“Don’t what?” I asked him, “Laugh? I’m laughing because I’m relieved. I’ve always wondered if it felt the same as them or if it was just me. That it just felt different to me because you know it’s…worrisome I guess.”

“You mean with Beau?” he asked me.

I nodded my head feeling my face heat up. He hadn’t really confronted me about that past the confrontation where he threatened to beat Beau up and told me I was too young. That we couldn’t do it again. We did it twice after that but, that wasn’t something he needed to know.

“It was different though from them. Like you said warm. It wasn’t… it’s good to know it wasn’t just me being crazy. It felt so different.”

“Yeah, it does. I mean I got nervous every time but it’s, it never felt like it did when it was them. When it’s them.”

“Good,” I said nodding my head, “Good.”

“Yeah,” he said before he sighed heavily touching his tongue to his back moral, “Do you ever feel like a freak because you know…it’s going to be hard to get past them? Get past what they’ve done, what they do.”

“No, because they didn’t do it because of anything I did. I know that now. They did it and keep doing it because they want to. It’s not my fault but, I don’t have to let them determine the rest of my life,” I told him, “Don’t let them determine yours.”

I handed him the last dish and walked away going into the living room. I surveyed what the room looked like noticing that Matt was sitting on his own in a chair instead of Mike sitting with him. Mike had to be really upset with him over what had happened since we had been home.

After all, Mike had made it very clear that he was sure the only one Matt wanted to hurt was him, to do those things to. Matt was the one person that Mike trusted completely I was sure and now he felt like he couldn’t trust him at all. Not only could he not trust him to not hurt Mike himself but Mike couldn’t even trust him to not hurt anyone else.

It was interesting to see them, to watch them sitting on opposite sides of the room instead of right next to each other. Interesting to see how being back here had changed them. Had changed who they were as a pair as well as individuals. Mike looking at me as I walked into the living room sitting down near him and James coming in to watch Aladdin sitting with Jasmine on the roof watching fireworks going off as John came in and sat down in a different chair on the other side of the room.

“Are you ok pal, bud?” I asked them to which they nodded their heads still staring at the TV. 

I think it was their hope they would get lost in it for a little while because things were bad. Things were really bad and we all knew it. They were just looking for something to distract them knowing at any minute the peace we momentarily had with the babies playing quietly in the playpen near the back of the room would be disrupted. That Da or Uncle Ben would call up and one of us probably John or me would have to go…do what they wanted. Or worse it would Mike or James. That it would be someone and it would be soon. The com buzzing causing John to get up and nearly punch it as he slammed the button to respond.

“I’m coming don’t worry about it,” he said nearly spitting into the com as he went over to the lift pressing the button and taking it down.

“He went to go see Da,” Matt said not taking his eyes off the TV.

“I know,” I muttered shrugging my shoulders.

“Why are you telling everyone we all know. You don’t have to tell us Matty,” Cat muttered from where she was sitting on the floor.

“I don’t know,” he said shrugging his shoulders and smiling.

“Because it makes him happy,” Mike said venom in his voice, “Doesn’t it Matt? That’s why you want to tell everyone because you’re glad it’s him. That if Da had to bother someone it’s Jack. Jack who never did anything to you. To any of us.”

“Shut up Mike. Don’t be like that,” Matt said.

“Like what? Telling them all what you think of them? That they deserve it? You already call Will a whore still. Always have. He’s not. A whore likes it. He doesn’t,” Mike said.

Cat gasped. I think I even heard Andy and Lar gasp them almost old enough to understand what those words meant. I don’t think they understood it yet but, they understood the tone behind it. That it was a bad word. Something you didn’t call people.

“He does,” Matt said, “They all do.”

“I don’t. You know I don’t you can feel that I don’t and yet you still do it. You still…” Mike trailed off looking like he wanted to cry.

“Hey, I did that because I love you. Because I want to be with you vupp ridd. I wanted you to know I missed you,” Matt said quietly.

“Be honest,” Mike said, “That’s not why and you know it. You know I know it too. You did it because you wanted to. Because you wanted to…to show him that you’re like him. That you did it to show him he could trust you. To make him think that…that you wouldn’t be as fun. You hurt me because it would benefit you. That’s something you told me you would never do.”

“That’s not true!” Matt hissed, “Pum peniz uctolchaxact whed ug caxank soo whed zaxat weurd fonobit us feth. Dib ug weurd whaxavo keno axareck um dit tee who weurdniz waxank ug axas ebton oithol. Who rikos pit bidd. Ug gned who rikos pit bidd. Dit nud focaxauso who nud voaxan dib who gnews ug riko dit who weniz waxank ug axanymelo.” (I don't understand how you can’t see how that would benefit us both. If you would have gone along with it too he wouldn't want you as often either. He likes a fight. You know he likes a fight. It's because he's mean if he knows you like it he won't want you anymore.)

“Whoa what did…,” I started to ask but Mike spat back in English.

“That’s a lie! All of it is a lie I saw it!” he said slamming his own index finger into the side of his head, “I SAW IT! YOU WANTED TO! THERE WASN’T ANY MORE THOUGHT TO IT THAN THAT! YOU WANTED TO! AFTER YOU PR…PROMISED. AFTER YOU ALWAYS PROMISED DON’T LIE TO ME!!”

Matt frowned his face going serious as he shook his head walking up to Mike who stood up jumping over the back of the couch to avoid him. To avoid Matt’s touch which was something I had never seen him do before. Not ever.  
“Viko proaxaso, dib Pum waxankow te dit nud enrupp focaxauso Pum revo ug. Pum pe, Pum revo ug pi Pum waxas peick haxat di ceurd te pletond ug. Ug whaxavo te uctolchaxact zaxat. Pum weurd jovol whult ug. Jet ovol. Zo enrupp loaxasen Pum ceurd ovol whult ug dis te pletond ug. Pum swoaxal dit,” Matt said shaking his head as he stopped walking forwards. (Mike please, if I wanted to its only because I love you. I do, I love you and I was doing what I could to protect you. You should understand that. I would never hurt you. Not ever. The only reason I could ever hurt you is to protect you. I swear it.)

I felt like I was watching two lovers fight and not my brothers. It was weird. To see that. To see them fighting like that. I couldn’t understand what they were saying but I knew the contents. Matt saying whatever he had done was for the best. That he loved him and he didn’t mean like a brother. He meant different than that and it disturbed me. It wasn’t right but, there wasn’t anything I could do about it.

“I want to believe you but I don’t,” Mike said shaking his head before he started crying, sobbing.

Catty walked over to him wrapping her arms around his neck as he fell to the ground crying her whispering something in his ear as he bawled. He was broken. Between Matt and Uncle Ben that kid was broken. All of Matt’s lies and what he had been before disappearing. The hope that he would be different failing him, he was broken.

They had been fighting so loudly that we hadn’t heard the lift kick on, hadn’t heard the footsteps until I saw him move. Until he leaned against the wall smiling, looking amused.

“Matty are they picking on you?” Uncle Ben asked, “You guys be nice to Matty he’s a good boy.”

I was angry. Angry had what he had done. How he had treated me and then them. Mike, how he had turned them against each other. How he had allowed Matty to rip apart Mike in so many ways. How he was the one who had made all this possible. How if it wasn’t for him maybe Da wouldn’t have done this to us. 

I ran at him bending at the waist and head budding him in the stomach screaming. He somehow managing to grab me by the shoulders as I hit his stomach him laughing as he did so, “You’re so lucky right now. You don’t believe it but you are. And you’re so excited to see me you ran right at me. Huh, baby?” I heard him mutter.

I wasn’t sure anyone else heard it but, I wasn’t sure it mattered the babies screaming and Jack not around to do anything about it. Me silently cursing myself as I realized just how fucked my anger had made everything. He clamped his hand down on the back of my neck not letting me stand upright as he dug his nails into my skin laughing as he dragged me by my neck to the lift.

“How about we see what Daddy’s doing? He’s probably on a call with Lionel right now. See if Lionel wants to come and have time with his special boy because he’s being such a royal little shit. It’s a few days early but I’m sure he won’t mind. Not at all. I’m sure he’d be happy to see you,” he threatened, “Now you care to tell me what I did to deserve such a warm greeting?”

“You know what you did,” I said shaking my head, “Don’t pretend you don’t. This whole thing is your fault and you know it. If it weren’t for you Da would have never…”

“Would have never what William? Never wanted you back? Never touched John? Never done what? Never thought you were a hot piece? Never married your mum? Guess what I never wanted him to marry that bitch.

He was supposed to be mine. He convinced me it was a good idea. Not the other way around. That I would have a chance to dominate without having to beg and plead and without the risk getting locked away for picking on younger boys in my dorm. It was a great idea up until someone decided to shake their little ass in front of the wrong person. So, you know what, your Da and his problems are not on me. Maybe it’s the other way around. Think of it that way and quit bitching,” he said as the lift stopped on the second floor.

I didn’t know where Da was but I hoped just hoped he’d take me down the hallway past his bedroom instead of to it. I didn’t want this to be slow. Whatever punishment he was going to give me I didn’t want it slow. I knew I probably deserved it because my kids were going to suffer god knew what fate without me or John around but, I didn’t want to.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered.

I don’t know why but maybe I was rethinking something, leaving them alone with Matt. Rethinking a lot of stuff. I don’t know why I thought it would help but it was worth a try. Pleading my case to get me back upstairs and make sure Matt didn’t hurt anyone. He smiled at me making my insides go cold.

“Now now, no doing that. You’re getting smarter but you aren’t that smart yet,” he said, “I know you’re not sorry yet. You will be though.”

“Please Uncle Ben, what if Matt…”

“Matt won’t touch them,” Uncle Ben said with a certain assurance I didn’t like, “He knows better.”

“Are you really going to…to call him?” I asked afraid of the answer as he loosened his grip on my neck allowing me to finally stand up straight, to look at him.

I knew Lionel was beyond pissed. The way he had snapped at me on the phone. How he had called me a slut directly and told me he would let people fuck me raw. How he might be nice to me if I told him who it was. Who I had…had sex with. Their name.  
I had told him it was someone I had cared about but I knew that didn’t mean the matter was dropped. That him getting a phone call probably wouldn’t be a good thing at this point. That all the things I had already done, mum leaving with me, being gone for as long as I was and then sleeping or having sex with someone I wasn’t allowed to. I was already on a very tight leash and he wouldn’t be happy to get a phone call. From the stories I’d heard that was not a good thing and I was not the only person who would end up suffering if he got angry enough.

“Depends,” Uncle Ben said his smile fading for a moment as he glanced at me, considered me, “What do you want?”

I was silent. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to do it. A cold shiver shooting up my spine as I accepted it. That I had to let him do whatever he wanted and I had to be…cooperative or he would call him, call Lionel. If he called Lionel things would be so much worse. He stared at me waiting for an answer. I knew what answer he was looking for me almost throwing up as I forced it out of my mouth, not able to look at him as I said it. The words almost stinging.

“Whatever you want Benny,” I barely managed.

“You mean that?” he asked me his voice sounding excited as his hands went gently back to rest on my shoulders making me cringe, making my body tense as I nodded my head, “You swear baby?”

I nodded my head again unable to look at him, to accept what I was agreeing to. That I was having sex with him. That I was saying yes. That I was saying yes because it was the only choice I really had. 

“Come on then,” he said his hands still on my bare shoulders as he looked at me pulling me into a hug and walking with me down the hall like that his mouth all over my skin, my neck, my chest as he slid me along the wall against my back.

I felt my face heating up. It felt like he was trying to eat me. Eat my chest and neck his slobber making my skin wet. Making it smell. Making me want to push him away, push him off and knowing that I couldn’t. That doing that would be such a bad idea. Me feeling him fumble behind my back as we slid towards the door him almost falling onto me barely catching us as he almost lost his balance when it opened. A little string of spit still connecting his lips to my chest as he pulled away for a second a red mark sitting right under my collar bone above my right pec that was barely developed.

At that point developmentally, I was probably right behind John where his chest had already widened mine was just starting to, where his voice was broken and almost lowered mine had just started breaking. It was weird to me. To think that even though I was younger I was almost the same amount of physically developed towards adulthood that John was when I was only 11 and he was 13.

“You’re beautiful,” he breathed as he wiped the spit from his lip, “So beautiful. Why don’t you go lay down ok? Take off those pants?”

I didn’t want to take off my pants. It was the only item of clothing I had. The only item he had given me. If I just gave them up how did I know he was going to give them back? I must have exhaled or sniffled or something because he sighed picking me up by the butt and setting me down on his bed.

“It’s not going to hurt. If it’s going to be our little secret it can’t. He’d be mad if I used a toy or something awesome like that so it’ll just be us. I just want to explore you ok? That’s all. Take off your pants and I’ll be right back ok baby?” he said before he kissed my temple walking away into the bathroom.

I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My hands shaking as I sat there with them in my lap. This was stupid. The whole thing felt so stupid and it was my fault. If I hadn’t of…I had no one to blame but myself. It was this or let him call Lionel. Let Lionel do God knew what to god knew who just because he was mad at me because I couldn’t behave. At least this way it was only me that was suffering. Not James and not anyone else but just me.

“I said take off your pants, don’t be shy now,” he said as he came out of the bathroom me jumping up and undoing the drawstring on them.

The first two times he had been focused on other things I think. Getting himself off and “teaching” and then it had been about watching me, my face. Using me. The look in his eyes told me this was different. This was about him wanting to see me. To possibly try something new. I didn’t want to do anything new. I was tired and I just wanted to be left alone. It was Wednesday the 28th of July. I had two days before I saw Lionel again.

Two days before he was going to punish me. Two days before I was sure I was going to be in a world of pain or something else horrible was going to be happening. Here I was staring at Uncle Ben who was asking me to take my pants off, his hands at my waistband.

“You have hardened a little bit,” he muttered one of his hands resting on my lower stomach right below my belly button, “Can almost make out your v.”

“My V?” I asked confused.

He smiled at me and sighed pushing me back using his body weight, me allowing him to.

I knew I didn’t have a choice. That it wasn’t up to me. That I could fight him and get into more trouble and have him call Lionel to make him even angrier with me or I could let him. Let him direct our movement, what we did.

“Well, you know how girls have an hourglass shape because they usually have wide hips? Guys don’t have wide hips, we’re not meant to. Our hips are narrow and turn in at the waist right…,” he slid his fingers from the top of my waist inward toward my pelvis grabbing my waistband and pulling it down as he did so, “here. That’s your v. You can barely see it but, it’s sexy. You’re so sexy.”

I froze closing my eyes. This is where it started. This is where he started…yep that was his mouth right below my belly button. “Come on just breathe.”

I remember thinking that to myself as I felt my body heating up trying to remind myself that I couldn’t say no. That saying no was deadly in this instance his lips and mouth traveling lower and lower. Me letting out a squeak and my eyes going wide as he took me in his mouth. I didn’t like this. I wasn’t ok with what he was doing.

“Uncle Ben,” I said grabbing his hands that were rubbing my hips, “Uncle Ben I…I ….”

“Hey,” he said stopping, “hey, it’s ok baby. He’s not going to be mad. He’s never going to know, remember? You do what I want and he’ll never know. He never has to know ok baby? Just let me love you.”

He kissed my hip, my mark his mouth trailing again to there. To my penis taking me in his mouth. I gripped the side of the bed closest to me in my fist. My whole body shaking as he sucked and licked him using his tongue and lips to play with my glands and shaft. He kept hitting something with his tongue that kept making my face feel hotter and hotter making me want to swear. Loudly.

I don’t know what it was but no one had ever made my body…not ever. It getting harder and harder to keep air passing in and out of my body as he pet up and down my sides with his hands and fingers. His mouth and tongue very concentrated on my penis. Me finding myself holding my breath for a few couple of seconds before letting out and deep exhale gasping as I tried to breathe. My gasping getting more and more frequent the stronger the feeling got, the hotter my face and got. I grabbed one of his hands and squeezed it just to get him to stop tickling my side.

That must have encouraged him because he started doing whatever it was he was doing harder and faster my whole body tensing me not able to inhale at all but only gasps and exhale my whole body tensing until it felt like one giant knot from below my rib cage down before my body released.

I still felt hot my head throbbing with every beat of my heart. My muscles no longer able to hold taunt. Like what he did. What Lionel did. Uncle Ben broke contact with my body for a second and shifted his weight. I was still making the gasping sound. Still trying to get my breath back him pulling me up my arms and rubbing my back bending me over my legs.

“Head to your knees. You’re ok,” he told me calmly, “Just let your chest relax you’re ok. I know you're probably out of practice but that’s ok. Last two times were kind of rushed but we’re going to go nice and slow today baby. Have a nice slow lunch.”

He kissed the back of my shoulder. I felt sick. Some of it probably being that I couldn’t catch my breath the rest being how hot and gross my body felt. How weak and helpless I felt, me not having any choice but to let it happen.

“There you go nice and slow breathing,” he sighed rubbing my back some more, “Come on let’s lay down ok?”

He grabbed my arm pulling me gently towards him, pulling my weight back into him so that I was leaning on him as he used his body to scoot us up to the head of the bed so that we were lying more up by the pillows. His hand moving from my back to my chest as he forced me to lay down, rubbing my collar bones.

“You have no idea, do you?” he asked me quietly as he leaned over me rubbing my chest, looking at me in a way that made me feel guilty, ashamed. I didn’t know what he was talking about but, I felt like it wasn’t good. Whatever it was I had no idea but it wasn’t good, “How do you feel? Is it easier to breathe now?”

I nodded my head numbly figuring we were far from done. That he was going to go all the way, make me have sex with him. Him kissing the front of my shoulder as his hands moved, “You’re so sexy. I missed you. I missed you more than he ever will. I promise.”

He continued kissing my shoulder his weight shifting so he was straddling me, kissing my neck, my chest. He rubbed my inner thighs pushing my legs apart. Him kissing his way down my chest again making it hard to keep breathing him stopping for a second and sitting up, “It’s ok baby, just breathe nice and slow. No need to get overexcited, ok? Just lay back and take nice deep even breaths baby.”

I nodded my head him grabbing something somewhere we had been lying before that I hadn’t noticed. I didn’t notice what it was but it looked like diaper cream and felt like it. He coated my genitals in a thin layer of it then it started to tingle. A lot. A lot, a lot. Almost feeling like I had an icy wind blowing on my junk as he used some of it shoving his finger into me.

“W-why does this feel…we...weird?” I managed to mumble.

“Oh, it’s just something to have some fun with. Don’t worry about it we’ll enjoy it,” he muttered moving his finger inside of me the feeling spreading from my ball sack and penis into my ass.

It was not something I can say I enjoyed. It was horrible. It made me want to scream him adding another finger. It burned. It fucking burned. It was not a good feeling at all. Him kissing me starting to kiss and lick at my nipples as he fingered me. Him doing everything he could to stimulate my body. To warm it back up.

“This is going to be fun,” he said as he climbed on top of me taking his fingers out before lining up with my body slowly pushing in.

“MMM,” was the only sound I managed to make as he pushed into me the tingling getting much that worse before it started to change slightly something about it feeling like something else, something really weird.

“I know baby,” he said rolling his hips pushing forward, “Yes. Oh yeah.”

I shook my head the only sound I could make that gasping one again as my body started giving over to him again. And I knew. It felt bare, I knew what the difference was. It was my body. My body he was using that he was inside of. I knew what the difference between a condom and not having one felt like and this was unprotected sex. This was him doing what Da did, what Lionel did.

“God, I love you,” he moaned, “I love you so much, baby. I love you more than he ever will I swear. God, you feel so fucking good baby. Oh my god yeah.”

He kissed and bit my neck. Me grabbing the headboard as my body rebelled against me. Me trying to stop my body from moving with his. Every time he hit against my prostate causing me to whimper and my back to arch. Me screaming loudly the more intense it got. Him grunting and moaning into my ear as he kissed and licked my neck and chest.

“Come on baby, give it to me. God I’ve missed you so much baby just give it to me. Make us both feel so…. FUCK!!!” he said as my whole body contracted around his as I hit orgasm. As he brushed against my prostate one last time, “Here it comes baby, 1…2……” his back arched and he groaned loudly filling me.

My body still burned. From the chemicals, he had used to make my skin do whatever it had done, tingle and burn the way it had. Him stilling inside of me and continuing to hold me to him, to kiss my chest which was now covered in red splotches. Sucking marks from his mouth. Hickeys most of which I was hoping would fade.

“No one will ever love you like I do baby. You’re too perfect and no one will ever see it the way I do,” he said pulling out of me as he rubbed my neck and the side of my face.

I just wanted my clothes back, my life back. I wanted…Beau. I wanted Beau back. None of this was supposed to be happening. I wasn’t supposed to ever see him again and yet he was right…he had just…I started crying before I could stop it.

“It’s ok baby,” he said making me lay with him, “it’s ok.”

It wasn’t ok. He might as well just have killed me. That’s what it felt like. Because Lionel was still pissed at me. He was still going to hate me because he knew. He knew I’d had sex with someone that wasn’t him and wasn’t someone he had given permission to. Because I was his property. Because to Lionel, that’s all I was. One of his many “special boys”.

“You’re ok. You did so good baby,” he muttered into my shoulder laying with me, “You made me feel so good. Us, feel so good baby. You’re amazing at that. Knowing just what to do to …I do,” he said grabbing my chin lightly and bringing my face close to his, so close I could feel his breath on my lips, “I love you.”

He kissed me. Slow, like someone would kiss a lover me cringing at it. At the feeling of it. At his words. I didn’t love him. I hated him, I hated him as much as I hated Lionel. Him breaking the kiss and smiling at me.

“I love you too,” I said numbly because I knew it was expected. That it was what he wanted to hear me say.

“Ok, how about you go and shower. And when you come out I’ll give you a clean pair of PJ’s shirt included this time ok baby?”

I nodded my head numbly standing up and going into his bathroom. I knew that’s where he wanted me to shower. That if I tried to go upstairs I could forget about getting clean pants let alone a shirt. I used the time to shower quickly before coming back out.

“Hey,” he said as he came up to me, hugging me pulling me to his chest as I did what I could to hold onto my towel that was wrapped around my waist.

I wanted to keep my towel. My body felt sore after…after that. My skin feeling raw and sensitive in certain places where he had put the balm or icy hot or whatever it had been on my body. I felt sore and exposed still even if I wasn’t completely naked. Weak and stupid even if I wasn’t under him anymore wishing he would give me some space, just enough so I could wrap my arms around myself wondering where everyone else was. Where John was.

Da had called John downstairs maybe 20 minutes before Uncle Ben had come to get me. Before he had brought me down here. I wondered if John was already back upstairs on the fourth floor or if Da still had him. Was still hurting him, raping him like Uncle Ben had just raped me. The idea making me feel sick to my stomach as Uncle Ben started kissing on me again, kissing my neck grabbing at my towel and letting it drop to the floor.

He was still naked. He was still exposed me closing my eyes and trying to breathe wondering what the point was. What was the point of having me shower if he was just going to rape me again? Make me dirty again. I hated this. I just wanted him to stop.  
“It’s ok baby,” he said, “I’m going to make you feel so nice. And you’re nice and clean. All for me.”

He ran his hands through my hair as he started walking slowly towards the bed forcing me back onto it. He made me sit down on the edge my feet dangling off the foot of the mattress making me feel smaller than I was, helpless. He straddled me shoving his tongue into my mouth holding me still roughly by my chin as he kissed me before he hopped off my lap him pulling my face forward with his hand, leading me forward forcing me to bend over as he got on his knees on the floor before he broken the kiss.

“Just lay back,” he muttered kissing my left outer thigh.

No, god no. No. That’s why he had wanted me to shower. To rinse that stuff off so he could use his mouth without ingesting whatever that stuff was. Him looking up at me and frowning slightly when I didn’t do as I was asked and lay back. Me wondering again if John was already upstairs again, hoping, praying that he was so that Mike had someone there. So that Matt wasn’t torturing our younger siblings.

“Lay back,” he told me again, “Just lay…” he started literally licking the top of my outer thighs as he started messing with my legs, my knees starting to try and pull them apart as I laid flat on my back.

At that moment I decided I wasn’t going to make it easy. That if he was going to do it he was going to fight for it. I pressed my knees together and locked them. Squeezing my muscles as tightly as I could to stop him from parting them. He could still get to other parts of me but it did make it harder to get his mouth there, to do it comfortably without a knee poking him in the chest as he leaned over my lap.

“What do you think you’re doing?” he asked me as I closed my eyes trying to keep myself calm, “You want me to hurt you? Is that what you want? I thought we were having fun.”

I didn’t say anything, didn’t look at him. I laid there flat on my back my jaw set and pressed as hard together as I was squeezing my legs closed. I wasn’t going to let him. If he was going to do it he was going to hurt me and he was going to explain to Lionel what had happened. That he had bruised me trying to use his mouth. Trying to do something he wasn’t supposed to do.

“Fine,” he said cupping his hands around the tops of my thighs wedging his fingers in-between them and prying them apart scratching me as he did so clamping down on them as he opened them making me hiss in pain, “You want to play hard we’ll play hard.”

He shoved my knees up and backwards putting them on his shoulders before his tongue went there. Went inside me. He wrapped his forearms around my thighs almost like he knew I wanted to kick, wanted him off me. I didn’t want to do this, I didn’t want his tongue there my whole body heating up under the feeling of his tongue being there, licking and sucking on that part of my body. It hurt. It tingled and every time he stabbed his tongue into me it hurt, stung almost like someone poking at a scrap or sucking on a fresh paper cut. 

At the time I didn’t know what that meant. It was something he caused though it was something that would get him in trouble later. But it hurt more than it felt good. Making me wiggle and squirm.

“OWW!” was the only sound I managed as the burning kept getting worse. My whole body seizing up as he sucked creating a suction on my well…it did not feel good. 

He pulled away as I let out this high-pitched scream that I had never heard myself make before surprising us both, “Baby are you ok?” he asked me sounding genuinely worried about my wellbeing. Like I had scared him. I was finally able to breathe again panting heavily as he rubbed at my thighs me keeping my eyes closed tightly not wanting to look at him, not wanting to see him.

“I just…it stings,” I told him.

“Stings?” he asked me, “I didn’t think I…shit…” 

The last part he muttered more to himself than to me. Him looking at me before he got up and laid down on the bed next to me sighing heavily causing me to open my eyes, to look at him. He was watching me. Looking at me like, like that. Almost like Beau would look at me only colder, something different about his eyes. I hadn’t recognized it before. That it was similar to the look Beau gave me because I had never seen anyone look at me like that. Maybe I had caught Cole looking at me like that once or twice but again it felt different. It felt different from Uncle Ben his gaze making me shift uncomfortably.

“Do you think I should call Dr. Palmer?” he asked me.

“I don’t know is it serious?” I asked him.

“Not really,” he mentioned, “I didn’t think I was just hard. Maybe it’s just too much activity? Too much too soon. I’m sorry baby. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I love you. You know that.

I nodded my head, “They’re upstairs probably alone you know?”

“They’ll be ok,” he told me.

“Mike was crying,” I said shaking my head lightly looking at him.

“Mike can be sensitive. He cries a lot,” Uncle Ben said.

I almost snorted. Like he knew Mike. The only time he spent with Mike was to rape him. I knew that. I wasn’t stupid it was the only time he ever wanted to spend with me and Matt was pretty sure he liked me better.

“He’s not that sensitive,” I muttered, “He’s stressed. We’re all stressed.”

“You don’t have to be stressed baby,” he said cupping my cheek in his hand as he looked at me, “There’s nothing to be stressed about. Is this about the leader? I can talk to him. Ask him to give you more time. Anything you need baby. I’ll try to get you more time if you need more time ok? Just tell me.”

I didn’t know what to say. I felt like it was a lie but maybe it wasn’t. That just made it worse. More confusing. He’d never…he was always so mean to me. Always beating me harder than John. Always…being so much angrier at me than anyone else. I didn’t know what it meant and it scared me. Making my eyes burn.

In that moment I think I understood why Da scared John so much. Because his feelings made him unpredictable. Made him act one way one second and then differently the next. Because Da was different when he was with John, very different in private than what he was like around other people. That it was scary because you never knew which one you were going to get. Angry or happy. The one who wanted to make you feel good or if that switch would be flipped and it would be the guy who wanted to hurt you because you didn’t feel the same way he did.

“Baby, just tell me,” he prompted again, “Just tell me you need more time. Tell me what you need. Mike will be ok. Everyone will be ok. She shouldn’t have taken you guys away. You have no idea how much your Da missed you. How much I missed you.”

“You didn’t miss me,” I said shaking my head.

“Baby I did,” he said using his elbows to prop himself up, “I did miss you. I know you don’t understand it but, I did. I love you.”

“Then why do you…,” I trailed off.

I knew why. I had talked about it with Julie how Uncle Ben and Da had been brainwashed their whole lives that what they did was how you loved someone. How you treated someone you loved. That love to them was about controlling them and protecting them. Teaching them. Like their Da had done to them. That’s what they were doing to us. Rape was a form of exerting control. It wasn’t all about sex it was about control.

“Why do I what baby?” he asked me leaning forward and pushing some of my hair behind my ear.

“Nothing,” I muttered shaking my head, “Can I go upstairs now?

“I guess so. Since you’re sore. Can I ask you something though?” he asked.

I was afraid to know what it was he wanted to ask. What he wanted to know. Why he didn’t seem angry really but had stiffened a little before the words came out of his mouth.

I nodded my head in reply just because I knew if I said no he would get angry. That he would probably keep me there longer. Or take away my shirt. Something I didn’t want and I had other people I had to worry about. Other people I was responsible for.

“How many times did you have sex while you were gone?” he asked me.

I blinked moving to sit up before he grabbed me hard by the elbow keeping me from pulling myself into a sitting position his eyes hard, mad. I didn’t know why. But I knew I didn’t want to answer that question because it meant he’d ask more questions. Questions I didn’t want to answer. Things I felt were private. Were between Beau and me.

“So?” he asked me waiting for my answer.

“Once,” I lied, “It was hours before…hmm…the night before you showed up to…to bring us back.”

“Did you like it?” he asked me.

I felt my face turning red just thinking about it. Thinking about what it had felt like. Thinking about watching his face as I used my fingers showing him where his prostate was, watching his mouth fall open as he eyes closed. As he held his knees for me so I could put my finger there inside of him. His body shivering around my fingers as he started to cum. Private thoughts. Thoughts that I didn’t want to think when lying next to him naked my legs dangling off the end of the bed as he kept me from sitting up, as he held my arm hard against the mattress to keep me level with him.

“I…,” I tried then shrugged my shoulders.

I wasn’t sure what to say about it. That moment had been eye-opening for me, life-changing. I didn’t want to talk about it with someone that was trying to destroy me. The guy that had dotted my chest with purple and pink splotches. The guy that had caused me pain, had made me bleed, had cracked my skull. Even if he said he loved me I didn’t want to share that piece of me with him.

“Did he suck you?” he asked me trying a different question.

I didn’t know what to say to that me just closing my eyes wishing him away. Wishing that I wasn’t stuck in that fucking room with him. Me afraid of what saying yes would do but fearing that he would know I was lying if I said no.

“I’m sorry,” I said before I started crying.

“Baby,” he said shaking his head at me, “It’s not your fault. I bet he took advantage of you. I bet whoever he was he was older, right? That means he took advantage of you. We’re still teaching you. That means you’re not ready to make those decisions yet. Ok? That’s why you talk to us before you do those things. That’s why Lionel’s upset about it. What if he had hurt you? What if he had injured you? He was probably still young and I bet you he doesn’t have a teacher. He’s not like us. He doesn’t have someone to show him how to do it. You understand that, don’t you?”

My brain hadn’t put that together, the words just confusing me. He thought that the Brotherhood was really teaching us something. That they were teaching us how to have sex. To me it didn’t make sense it was weird. The very idea of it seemed weird. That he could believe that. That he could believe it was ok to rape children because it meant you were teaching them.

I nodded my head numbly not sure what else to do. It didn’t make any sense to me. How hurting your child taught them anything. Me remembering the feeling of my body ripping the first time my Da ever penetrated me. Him telling me, insisting that it would hurt less the next time. The next time he raped me. None of it made any sense to me. The idea that he could convince himself of that blowing my mind in a very bad way.

“It’s ok baby,” he said, “It’s not your fault. I can…,” he grabbed my penis not loosening his grip on my arm, “I can suck you. I can make it feel better than he did. I love sucking you.”

I knew he did. Him and Lionel it seemed like that was one of their favorite things. Making me lay there while they blew me repeatedly. I wanted to be finished with whatever this was. I wanted to go back upstairs and make sure Matt wasn’t raping our little brothers. I wanted him to just let me leave.

“If I do can I go back upstairs?” I asked him quietly.

“Is that all you care about?” he asked me his eyes going cold, “If that’s all you care about then I hope he fucks you raw on Friday like the slut you are. You can go.”

Was he serious? He had to be joking. I was just worried about everyone else and he went from offering me more time to…to that. To hoping Lionel did that to me? What? Why? I didn’t do anything. I didn’t. 

“It’s just…” I tried to explain myself as he got up walking towards the bathroom ignoring me, “I just…What about Matty? What if he hurts someone? He’s the oldest one up there right now because you know Da. You know Da and what...what he’s like with John.”

He turned around leaning against the door frame and looking at me, “How about we go upstairs and check on them before we…continue ok? Will that make you feel better?”

I nodded my head wondering if this excursion upstairs would involve me having pants and maybe even a shirt. Him coming out of the bathroom and going into the closet throwing clothes at my head when he came back out.

“Put that on,” he told me.

It was a white undershirt and a green pair of jogging pants. I wasn’t even sure they were mine not that my clothes from before had fit me very well anyway but it wasn’t like I was going anywhere. We were basically under house arrest. Da and Uncle Ben always downstairs the only place any of us felt remotely safe being our floor where our stuff and our space was. So, it wasn’t like we were going to be able to go anywhere John even lucky he had made it out of the house that morning to go see Pat for a mere couple of minutes.

I slid the shirt on hastily over my head as Uncle Ben got dressed opening his bedroom door and letting me get on the lift when he pressed the button him following me onto it.

“It’s a shame to see you dressed,” he muttered looking at me, “You look really nice without clothes.”

I felt my face getting hot as I folded my arms in front of me. I hated when they talked about my body like that. Like it was a thing. Like I wasn’t living inside of it. Like I didn’t have to feel what they did to it. What they made me do with them. Like I didn’t feel it when they pushed their way inside of me, when they bit me or sucked on my skin. I hated it. I hated being reminded that all they saw was a nice-looking body and that they didn’t see me at all. I think the only one who ever saw me was Beau.

“Don’t be like that. You know you’re hot,” he said as the lift opened us walking into a totally silent fourth floor.

That wasn’t good. That was really bad. They weren’t usually this quiet me going straight to the nursery and checking to see what everyone was doing Laura holding onto Mac as she sat in the corner staring at the door, frowning while Mary and Shay laid in the play pin. Where was Andy.

“Lar where’s Andy at?” I asked her.

“Dare,” she said pointing out into the hallway.

Oh shit. Was all I could think. He had done something.

“He’s not going to hurt them. Where is he then?” I asked him.

“She said there and pointed out this way. That could mean anything,” Uncle Ben insisted.

“NO! It means he’s with Matt you know that’s what it means,” I said shaking my head feeling like I couldn’t breathe.

“Shut up,” Cat told me coming out of her room and looking around, “He’s with me ok? I have him. Matty was…he kept trying to take him to the bathroom ok? James and Mike told me to take him so he’s in my room playing Barbie’s with me.”

“MATTHEW!” Uncle Ben barked.

Matt opened his bedroom door coming out. He was just wearing a pair of underwear and nothing else coming out into the hallway and rolling his eyes, “What?” he asked him.

“I told you not to touch things that don’t belong to you. Do your brothers belong to you?”

“Well, you did just call them my…”

“DO THEY BELONG TO YOU?!” Uncle Ben barked.

“No sir,” Matty said.

“Then what do you do?” he asked Matt.

“Keep my hands and mouth to myself unless otherwise directed,” Matt said like he had been fed it like a line that was meant to be repeated.

“Have you been doing that?” Uncle Ben asked him.

“I just want to see…,” he said, “You didn’t say anything about my eyes.”

“What do you mean you wanted to see?” I asked Matt, “See what?”

He smiled at me and shrugged his shoulders. Me feeling myself blush as my brain filled in the blank. He had wanted to see him naked. Wanted to see what he looked like without clothes. The idea making me feel sick. Why was he wanting to see Andy naked?

“You’ve seen him naked a million times,” I said quietly shaking my head.

“When he was little he’s bigger now,” he told me.

“He’s 2,” I said shaking my head.

I found the idea that he wanted to see our two-year-old brother naked for some reason mind-blowingly disgusting. There was literally nothing to see as far as I could figure but then again, my brain hadn’t been warped like Matt’s had. They hadn’t driven me insane and convinced me that they really loved me, that what they were doing was out of love whereas for Matt they had. If it wasn’t for the fact that he was constantly manipulative and wanted to hurt our brothers I would have felt sorry for him.

“He’s almost three,” Matt said.

“How about you tell everyone you’re going to keep your hands to yourself and you quit trying to isolate Andy and then maybe if you can behave yourself I’ll reward you,” Uncle Ben said to him.

“How?” Matt said frowning in suspicion.

“I’ll let you have some practice some things instead of just watching. Does that sound like a good enough reward?” Uncle Ben asked him.

“With who?” Matt asked.

“Who do you think?” Uncle Ben asked smiling, “You told me he was your favorite for the time being. Even more so then the little ones so…”

“Ok,” Matt said nodding his head in satisfaction before he walked away shutting his bedroom door.

“Come on baby,” Uncle Ben said holding out his hand to me, “Your room.”

Whatever he was going to let Matt do it was going to happen to Mike. At least that’s what it sounded like. Mike who had broken down earlier after fighting with Matt because of the way Matt was treating him. Mike who couldn’t take anymore.  
I nodded my head and we walked down the hall to my room. So, he could blow me. Like it wasn’t bad enough that I had watched him promise Matt he would hold Mike down so Matt could do more stuff to him. Like it wasn’t bad enough that he had raped me earlier or that I had to deal with Lionel in two days. He wanted to blow me still. After all of that, after knowing I faced all of that.

He shut the door behind us smiling at he looked at me, “I won’t hurt you baby you know that.”

“No,” I said quietly shaking my head, “You’ll just let Matt hurt Mike.”

“Hey, you want it to be Mike or you want it to be Andy?” He asked me, “You heard what they said. And I’ll be there when he does it. Show him how to do it right so that he doesn’t hurt him on accident like I was there yesterday. Mike wasn’t hurt yesterday.”  
“You might not think so but you didn’t hold him as he kept repeating over and over that he didn’t want to. That he didn’t want you doing that to him or Matt,” I said feeling like I was about to start crying.

“You don’t stop whining about it I’ll grab Andy strip him naked and throw him in Matt’s room and tell Matt to do whatever the fuck he wants. So, shut up,” Uncle Ben snapped at me, “You’re lucky I don’t call Lionel and tell him what a little fucking slut his special boy is having sex with the first boy that looked at him like he was worth something. So, shut up and lay down.”

I sighed. I wasn’t sure what to do or say other than what I was told me pulling off my clothes not even fighting as he straddled me. As he started kissing my neck and chest that was already red and purple. Me keeping my eyes closed just trying to breathe as he did what he wanted to me. The tingles and chills running up and down my spine and he kissed and licked my body making my face feel warm. My mind was screaming at me to stop him. To ask him to just stop because it wasn’t right. Because he wasn’t Beau. Because he didn’t love me and I didn’t want him touching me but I managed to keep myself silent. Him only stopping after I came hard down his throat.

He sat up smiling at me, wiping his mouth off on the back of his hand, “You taste good. You did good. Lionel is going to want you more interactive though.”

I knew that. I wasn’t fucking stupid. I was pretty sure whatever Lionel did he’d want me screaming or crying. He was the one who after all made me beg him for it. So why wouldn’t he want me begging and screaming. I nodded my head not sure what to say standing up and bending over to fetch my pants which had landed on the floor pulling them on and then grabbing my shirt as well Uncle Ben stopping me and grabbing it from my hands.

“I kind of like it,” he said looking at me causing me to frown at him in confusion before he finished talking, “Seeing me on you. Marking you.”

Oh. I looked down at my chest. There was a big purple spot in the center of my chest right above my sternum. I hated that he referred to it that way, “marking” me. That was what bottoms often called our brands, our marks. Reminders that we didn’t belong to ourselves that our bodies weren’t ours. That’s exactly why he had left hickeys up and down my chest though, for that exact same reason. To remind me and let other people know that I didn’t belong to myself.  
That I didn’t have a say over what happened to my body but, that he did. That Lionel did and Da. But not me. Never me.

“Can I have my shirt back please?” I asked him as he stood there looking at me rubbing at himself through his own sweatpants making me feel like I was choking on air or anxiety or maybe both.

I was sure he was going to rape me again. The way he was looking at me, the way he was smiling. I was tired. Beyond tired. I felt like I wanted to scream but knew it would be a bad idea. That it would scare them worse than they already were and that’s why I’d been so quiet when he shut my bedroom door. Because if I had…they didn’t need to be more terrified than they already were.

“Please Uncle Ben? Benny?” I said something changing in his face, “Please? I just want my shirt back. That way not everyone has to see it.”

“Dab some vinegar on the bad ones and use some ice. It’ll help,” he said handing my undershirt back to me before he grabbed me gently by the chin tilting my face up to look at his before he kissed me quickly, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I said feeling my face turn red as I muttered the words even if it was out of reflex and all a lie. Him opening my door and walking away leaving me standing there in the same pair of green jogging pants I had gone upstairs in.

I don’t remember hearing him take the lift down but he must have. I don’t even remember him coming into the room, Jay but he did. I only realized he was there when I felt him slide his hand into mine making me jump about 10 feet in the air as I looked at him.

“Willy it’s ok,” Jay said, “It’s ok.”

“I…sorry,” I whispered.

“Do you know when Jack is coming back?” he asked me to which I shook my head looking over at my alarm clock on my nightstand. John had left shortly after breakfast which had been around 10am so he had probably gone downstairs around 11 or shortly after that. It was now around 1:30. He had been gone for three hours. 

“Do you think he’s ok?” Jay asked me.

I shook my head. I didn’t know. I was pretty sure he was as far from ok as I was but I didn’t want to tell Jay that. He didn’t need to hear that. He didn’t need to hear about how John and I were falling apart on the inside. How we needed mum just as badly as he did. About how we were scared and tired and worn out. He shouldn’t have to worry about all those things.

“Yeah, I think so,” I said.

“Are you ok?” he asked looking up at me.

“Yeah. If I’m not I will be ok? Don’t worry about it,” I told him.

“Do you know where Mummy is?” he asked me quietly.

I shook my head. No, I had no idea where she was. John had barely talked to me all I knew about it was what he knew. We all missed her. We all wanted her back and wanted to feel safe but, that didn’t seem like it was happening anytime soon. I sighed heavily looking back at my bed before I threw myself onto it. 

“Can you do me a favor bud and wake me up in like an hour so I can make an early dinner?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head, “Are you sure you’re ok? Because this isn’t…it’s like before Willy. Only worse.”

I turned over so I was lying on my back so I could see him. He looked tired too. Like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders and didn’t know what to do about it. It made me wish I had answers, that I could give him something, some hope, anything. But, I couldn’t. I had nothing to offer him, no answers or words of comfort and assurance, me sighing as I closed my eyes.

“Look Da and Uncle Ben aren’t very nice. You know that,” I started, “We all know that ok? They are really mean to me and John and me. We can deal with it just…it makes us tired.”

“Because they do what the bad man did, only all the time right?” he asked me.

I nodded my head in response. I didn’t want to talk about it. What I knew Lionel was going to do what Uncle Ben kept doing. I didn’t know what to do about any of it and I kind of just wanted to be alone at that point because my skin was crawling. With the fact that he had done so many things to me. With that fact that raping me wasn’t enough for him he had to do things with his mouth.

“Willy,” James said staring at me, “I know you’re not ok.”

“Jay can you just do what I asked? Please? Mum’s not here I’m tired. I need some time to myself to get over what just happened to me so please I’m begging you just leave me alone for an hour. When I wake up I’ll help you and Mike and Matt make dinner for everyone but please just let me be alone for a little while ok?”

“Ok,” he nodded his head before he turned around walking away and shutting the door behind him.

I did feel bad for kicking him out but I also felt so tired and so fucking sore certain parts of me still stinging slightly as I laid there on my bed rolling back over so I could bury my head in my pillows just in case I cried. I was beyond tired. Me somehow managing to fall asleep not too long after the door closed.


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's behavior is abnormal causing Will to worry. The stress of being back getting to everyone Matt acting out of character as well making Will question if his time at Arcadia might have actually done him some good and how long it will last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 790 to 809 **Warnings: Mental health issues, bullying, fighting (verbal), anxiety, depression, hopelessness, talk of sexual abuse** Just so you know because I'm trying to split it up by year this part is going to be LONG and I mean there is a chance I might reach 3,000 pages and you are only at 809 so just bear with me as we figure this out. **John's POV part 2 Chapter 2**

I heard the lift kick on after about 45 minutes, close to the time I told James to wake me up or come get me to make food. I stumbled out of my room just in time to see John’s bedroom door close. He must have just gotten back upstairs. I looked around still trying to fully wake up when James came out of the music room me not having noticed that there was music playing before he came out.

“John just came upstairs,” he told me, “I was about to come get you.”

“Thanks Bud,” I said nodding my head before I went and knocked on John’s bedroom door.

I stood there waiting. Figuring that he was probably calming himself down or something because he had already taken a shower when we had gotten up as well as taken one the night before. Because of that, it hadn’t occurred to me that he might be taking another shower so I waited for him to say something. I waited for him to yell at me to go away or to come in, anything but there wasn’t any answer. Me sighing wondering if I should check on him or not. If he might have hurt himself.

I wondered that because I knew that’s what I wanted to do. Da could be as rough with John as he wanted, unlike Uncle Ben. He wasn’t supposed to do certain things to me like hit me because Lionel didn’t want him to but Da didn’t have to follow those rules because John wasn’t contracted. John just belonged to him.

I waited another minute after I tried knocking again and when he didn’t come out said “I’m coming in John.” Before I opened the door.

When I opened it, he wasn’t in the room but his bathroom. The door was closed and the water was running. That’s probably why he hadn’t said anything or heard me was because he was in the shower the sound of the running water loud enough I could hear it through the door which meant he wouldn’t have heard me knocking at all. I sighed knocking on the bathroom door before I cracked it.

“Who is it?” he mumbled from inside the shower his voice sounding a little horse like maybe he was crying or his throat was sore.

That wasn’t good. What if Da had done something bad? Really really bad. He had been gone long enough. He could have done a million things to him before he had finally let him go. The idea feeling like being stabbed in the heart.

Who was the one person who did everything for me? Who constantly risked his life for me, his wellbeing and Da had just…destroyed him again? I closed my eyes saying a prayer that whatever had happened wasn’t so bad we couldn’t deal with it. That if we were together he would be ok.

“It’s just me,” I answered him shutting the door behind me, “This is your second shower today.”

“3rd,” he said before he did something snorted or something sounding like he was blowing his nose probably into his hand, talk about gross, “why does it matter?”

“Because it’s not normal,” I pointed out, “Are you ok?”

“No, but neither is getting raped every day let alone 3 times in one day. Maybe even four,” I heard him sigh loudly, “No, I’m very far from ok. Why are you asking?”

“Because you don’t usually shower 3 times in one day and you don’t usually seem this angry when I walk in to ask you something while you’re in the shower,” I muttered.

So that’s what was going on? Da had raped him three times while he was downstairs. To me, that seemed excessive. That was bad, that was really bad. How was he not an utter mess? Or maybe that’s exactly what was going on. He was an utter mess and just trying to hide it. That’s why he had climbed in the shower so he could cry without everyone hearing it.

He wanted to cry without everyone knowing he was crying because he wanted to seem strong. He didn’t want to seem like he was falling apart when that’s all he could do. When he couldn’t stand being in his own skin. Yet he wanted to appear as normal as possible for them. So, they weren’t scared.

“I’m just tired ok? You don’t know what he did,” John answered before going silent.

What he did. Of course, I knew what he did. Did he forget? Did he forget that it wasn’t just him.? That Da had done things to me to too? Maybe not since we had come back but still. Da had done things to me too. Unless it was something…, “What did he do?” I asked him quietly.

Maybe it was something different. Something so bad he didn’t know or think that anyone else had experienced it. That he was afraid to say what it was because he thought it made him horrible. Like Lionel. Would …Did he…?

“He let the leader listen and then give him directions while he…,” his voice went quiet.

I nearly sighed in relief so he hadn’t let the leader rape him. He hadn’t done that but almost as bad. Maybe in a way it had been Lionel. If Lionel had been telling Da what to do, if he had been listening it was almost like Lionel raping him. Not the same but, close enough. 

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly after listening to the shower run for a minute or two not sure what else there was to say, “How are you feeling?”

His silence in those few minutes said more than words ever could. Like his ability to speak was gone because he couldn’t lie anymore. Because he didn’t have it in him to hide how much pain he was in. The only sound again the sound of the water falling from the shower head as I waited for his answer.

“Like I can’t do this anymore,” he said his voice cracking a little, “Like nothing I do is going to make a difference. Like none of this is really worth it.”

“Do you want to hurt yourself?” I asked him.

“I don’t know,” he said quietly, “I don’t want to feel them on me anymore though. I want them to leave me alone and let me just…breathe. I want to just be able to breathe.”

I didn’t know what to do about any of this. How to help him other than maybe talk to Da. See if Da would give him a break. Because this wasn’t good.

This, even for John from before wasn’t normal. He wouldn’t normally answer me like that. By saying “I don’t know, I just want to be able to breathe.” That wasn’t like John. He would have said no or yes and then told me to fuck off. I mean he probably would have been drunk too but, that was the John I knew. Not this.

I tried to think about what I should do because I knew I had to make dinner because if I left it up to dad no one would be eating or it’d probably be some sick game that he and Uncle Ben made it into but I couldn’t leave John alone. Not if he was like this me sighing as it came to me.

James didn’t like being alone and he had felt really upset when I had told him to leave me alone earlier. Maybe if I told James that John needed the company he would forgive me for being an asshole earlier as well as make sure that John didn’t hurt himself. Hopefully. Maybe give him someone he could cry with. Because he wasn’t in good shape. I was really scared that something bad would happen. I didn’t want to leave him alone but I had to feed everyone. I had to make sure the babies got fed it was getting later closer to the evening.

“Ok,” I sighed, “I have to go take care of something but can James sit in here and play with his G.I. Joe’s while I do that? Because I can’t keep an eye on everyone and you said Uncle Ben was threatening him so if you could keep a close eye or ear on him it would really help me out.”

“Yeah,” I heard John answer, “Send him in.”

“Ok, I’ll go get him,” I said moving fast before John changed his mind going out into the living room and finding him.

“Hey Jay, can you do me a favor?” I asked him.

“What?” he asked me.

“I’m sorry I was mean earlier I’m just tired and I’m scared. I’m really scared, ok? If you could go play G.I Joe’s in Jack’s bathroom while he takes a bath it would really help me out.”

“Why?” he asked me.

“Well, you know how we all had that long family meeting with Julie before Jack came home? Where mum told us how she was afraid that sometimes Jack was going to hurt himself because of …,” I had to close my eyes and take a deep breath to keep my panic from showing, “Because of the stuff Da makes him do something?”

“Yeah, I remember and that when he got that way it was because he was really sad and that sometimes being with us helped him not feel so sad anymore?” he asked me.

I smiled widely nodding my head, “I think you need to try and help him not feel sad right now bud ok? Can you do that for me?”

“You seem sad too. What about you?” he asked me.

“I have to kind of make dinner so Mike’s going to help me not feel sad ok?” I told him.

“Are you sure?” he asked me.

“Yeah, why don’t you go get your G.I Joes and play in the bathroom with him ok?”

“Ok Willy,” he said nodding his head before got up and walked away.

“Mike, can you help me make dinner?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he said, “Can I bring Andy with us?”

“Yeah pal,” I said nodding my head to which he went behind the couch and took Andy’s hand.

That was the first time I noticed Mike being super protective of Andy. I mean by then I had figured out Matt’s thing with Andy but it made me kind of nervous. Made me wonder if he was protecting Andy from Matt or if it was something else. Me trying to shake the feeling remembering how hard we had struggled with mum when she was feeling that way about John and me. That we might hurt them because of what they had done to us. How we never would.

It had taken her forever to get past it. To understand that John and I would never hurt them. Not like that. Not in a million years. Not if we could ever help it. It was never supposed to happen. Never. We never wanted to hurt them. We had spent so much effort protecting them we would never hurt them if we had a choice.

He put Andy in his highchair when we got into the kitchen and did the same for Lar who had followed us because where ever Andy went Laura tried to go too and then Mike looked at me, “So what are you making?” he asked me.

“We’re making grilled cheese, when I said you were helping I meant it,” I said pulling the butter out of the fridge and then handing him a knife as he grabbed the bread from the bread box.

“You butter and I’ll fry,” I told him to which he smiled laying bread out on the counter in neat rows.

“How come you never let me help you before?’ he asked me.

“Because you were always playing with the babies with Carmen or Bob,” I told him, “That and I have this weird feeling you aren’t good with fire.”

“No, that’s Matt. And it’s not that he’s not good with fire but he likes to play with it. You don’t play with fire,” He told me.

“Oh?” I asked him.

“Yeah, he always wants to play with it,” he told me as he opened the butter tub and started buttering the bread.

“No, pal you only need a thin layer,” I told him taking the knife and scraping some of the extra butter off the bread, “Like that.”

“Oh,” he said nodding his head.

“How do you know that Matt wants to play with fire?” I asked him, “Did he tell you?”

“No, I saw it. Julie says it make believe but it feels real to me,” he told me.

“You mean that thing we talked about where you see what he’s thinking?” I asked him.

That was something else we had talked about as a family with Julie because it had scared mum. She said if it was true that maybe it was because they were evil. That it was devil talk because it was supernatural and that was something she really didn’t trust. The only one who could see what another person was thinking was god. Or so she believed. I personally wasn’t sure what to think but it did explain why sometimes they seemed to have silent conversations between themselves. Why they always seemed to understand each other in a way no one else ever could until recently.

“Yeah,” Mike said nodding his head going quiet as he continued to butter the bread and I pulled the cheese out of the fridge.

“You ok pal?” I asked him.

“I don’t like it anymore,” he muttered, “Seeing…seeing what’s in his head. He just wants to…”

“Oh pal, don’t be sad,” I said as his chin started wobbling as he fought not to cry.

I couldn’t imagine what that felt like. Seeing flashes of someone hurting you in your head like they were your thoughts. Especially when it was someone you were that close to. It had to be devastating. The betrayal of that, knowing that they thought those things about you.

I walked over to him and hugged him, holding him, “We’ll be ok pal. It’ll be ok.”

“I don’t want to see it anymore. I don’t want to…I tried to talk to him but he thinks…” he tried to explain.

“Hey, we talked about that with Julie too remember? How Da and Uncle Ben think. That’s how Matty thinks. It’s not Matty’s fault and it’s scary and it doesn’t make sense to us but his head is so weird it makes sense to him. That doesn’t mean it has to make sense to the rest of us. We just have to watch him, ok?”

“So, he doesn’t hurt them. I know,” he said nodding his head into my shoulder, “He scares me. I love him but he scares me. I’m afraid he’s bad. I don’t want him to be bad.”

“I know,” I said, “We’ll do everything we can to keep him from being bad ok?”

“You promise?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I told him, “We’ll really try I mean there’s not a lot we can do while mum isn’t here but, we’ll try. You remember the thinking paper they gave us? On when someone gets angry they need to stop and think about why and then think about their behavior and the different outcomes that a person’s behavior can cause?”

“Yeah,” Mike told me nodding his head.

“That’s something I think we need to do with Matty when he gets angry. I think it helps him. Mum said it did so we should try it next time he gets angry ok?” I told him.

“I don’t know if he’s angry lately,” Mike said, “Just…his head seems busy.”

“Ok,” I told him nodding my head as I let him go and handed the knife back to him, “Remember you don’t need a lot just a thin layer.”

He nodded his head, “Is Jack ok?”

“Yeah, he’s ok he’s just tired. We’re all just tired,” I told him.

“I know. Me too,” he agreed nodding his head, “I’m just glad that they haven’t brought their friends around. I don’t like those guys.”

“Da and Uncle Ben you mean?” I asked him to which he nodded his head.

“Yeah. The one that was always around at dinner and stuff he kept telling me he wanted to play with me. To see if we could both feel it. I didn’t like him,” Mike told me.

“Who?” I asked feeling my heart pick up speed. It couldn’t be. Lionel wasn’t doing things to him too, was he? He didn’t threaten Mike too. Mike was just a little kid. Just like James, he didn’t deserve to be sacred. No one should be saying stuff like that to him.

“Not the fat one but the other one. The all one with the long nose,” Mike said.

Arthur. Great. I mean if he liked kids that looked like Cole it made sense. Because while Cole’s hair was a different shade than mine and his eyes were almost like gold his hair was almost the same color as the twins. Their eyes were green but, it made sense.

Cole said a lot of them had a type and Dr. Palmer too. Sometimes it was a physical thing. If Arthur had a thing for Cole’s hair that was a favorite thing for him it made sense. I hated thinking of it that way but it did. Cole said Arthur was violent. Dangerous. That scared me. 

Thinking that he was eying Mike scared me. Because Mike was still little. He was one of my babies. And this guy…this guy who…his eyes were so cold. Colder than Uncle Ben’s even. Whatever he would do to Mike wouldn’t be something Mike could ever recover from. It probably wouldn’t hurt as much as what Matt was doing but physically it would be horrible.

Cole had told me that Arthur beat him. That Arthur had done horrible things even though he didn’t seem afraid of Arthur but Cole had dealt with Lionel. Maybe that meant Lionel was worse. I wasn’t sure but I didn’t want my little brother to have to deal with Arthur. With whatever it was he did to people. 

Arthur had made me blow him. Had told me he would be nicer to John if I did. I still never asked if he had gone easier on him but I remember John looking like he had gotten beaten within an inch of his life that night. Scratches and welts up and down his back from the base of his neck to the back of his ankles. I remembered him looking like he had been beaten. I hated thinking that something like that could happen to Mike.

“I think I did enough,” he said drawing me out of my thoughts as I counted pieces of bread.

“Do four more,” I said going over and putting the first layer of bread down in our big pan before I turned it on and put the cheese on and then the other layer of bread on top.

“So, what happens now?” he asked me.

“Now we wait a couple of minutes and then we flip them,” I told him, “And that’s how you make grilled cheese.”

“That easy? You just put butter on one side of bread and slap it together to make a cheese sandwich and then you just put it in a pan?”

“Yeah pretty much,” I said, “You want to wait until the first side is crisped though but not too crisps otherwise the whole thing falls apart and then they look crazy weird.”

“Oh, can I try flipping them when they’re ready?”

“Yeah sure,” I said before I heard Andy screech loudly shaking his fist.

“What’s going on?” I asked him.

“He wants numb numbs,” Lar told me.

“We’ll have some shortly ok?” I told him.

He nodded his head at me smiling as he pounded his tray. He was getting so big so fast. It made me wonder how much of our world he understood. If he understood that Da hurt us. That Da probably wanted to hurt him and Laura. They were getting to that age. The age John was, the age I was when he had started molesting us, coming into our rooms at night. Mum had been planning to put them in toddler beds soon and now mum was gone and we weren’t sure when she was coming back and we were back there.

Back with Da and Uncle Ben. Da who would hurt them. Who would take away any chance they ever had at being normal. Da who would let other people do those things to them. Hurt them. It scared me thinking about it.

“Can I try and turn them now?” Mike asked me to which I nodded my head standing behind him and helping him get the first sandwich onto the spatula before I helped him turn it.

“Good job. That’s a nice looking grilled cheese. You think you can do the next one on your own?” I asked him.

“Yeah, I think I’ve got it,” he told me nodding his head before he turned it.

That was the first time Mike helped me cook and he honestly did a pretty good job of it. There were a couple that turned out less than perfect but that’s ok. He was proud of himself for helping me and it was actually a big help too because once he proved to me he knew how to do it and wasn’t going to burn the house down I went and fed Mary and Seamus while he finished cooking the grilled cheese on his own. 

“Dinner is ready,” Mike said as he turned off the burner and put the last grilled cheese on the plate as I finished feeding Mary the last spoonful of baby food, “Should I tell them?”

“Yeah, tell someone to tell John,” I said before grabbing a baby wipe from the container on the counter and wiping and Mary and Seamus down before transferring them back to the play pin.

Slowly people started trickling into the kitchen and taking a seat grabbing a sandwich and using paper plates. We made enough for each person to have two sandwiches. And it seemed to work out well. Everyone thanking Mike as they trailed in John being the last one to wander in looking tired and like he might even be hung over as he sat down.

“Hey,” I said smiling slightly happy to see that he was up and moving and appeared to be in one piece, “Are you ok?”

He looked at me and shrugged his shoulders, “Yeah, fine.”

He took a bite of his food closing his eyes. The way he said it he didn’t seem fine. I wasn’t sure he would ever be fine again. I wasn’t sure I would ever be fine again. The whole thing just seemed overwhelming like it was something that we would never escape from. I knew we would probably never get away again, not as a family. There were too many of us and that was probably a part of what had doomed us in the first place was mum’s refusal to split us up. Mum’s refusal to not be a family anymore.

“You hack him yet?” John asked after swallowing a couple of bites, “Find out anything?”

It’d only been close to 24 hours so no. No, I hadn’t had a chance to. I hadn’t even seen the third floor. I was fucking lucky I hadn’t seen the basement either. Not that there was much to see about the house anyway I mean it’s where I lived I was used to it but not being in the basement was probably still considered a good thing even though I was hating uncle Ben’s room quite a lot at that point as well.

“No. I haven’t had the chance. He’s been in the office all day. I can try later if you want me to but…,”

“Uncle Ben is here,” John said looking up from his food, “No leaving the floor after dark even you ok? Da will be busy but he won’t be and I don’t need that in my head too all right?”

I thought we had talked about this. No putting ourselves in the way anymore at least not for each other. There were too many other people that needed us we couldn’t be sacrificing ourselves for each other anymore and that’s what he made it sound like. Like he was saying that I needed to watch myself so he didn’t have to rescue me. And what could he do if uncle Ben got a hold of me anyway? It wasn’t like mum was there. And it wasn’t like mum could have done something if she was there.

At that point, I had pretty much come to terms with that fact that I was going to be raped and raped a lot whether I wanted it to happen or not. That there was nothing anyone could say or do to keep Uncle Ben away from me besides maybe Lionel or Da and Da wouldn’t say shit and if Lionel wasn’t there to make sure Uncle Ben was listening to him it didn’t matter what Lionel had to say about it. I was Ben’s to torment and torture and that was the end of it. There wasn’t a damn thing anyone could do to help me and I knew it.

I just nodded my head in agreement. He was right he was stressed enough he didn’t need to worry about me putting myself in danger so I would behave especially because he was on the edge of breaking but it still didn’t make any sense to me to try and avoid something that was going to happen anyway. And John sounded ridiculous “Da will be busy but he won’t be.” And what did that mean? That he was going to stay with Da, sleep with Da. Just like he had before.

“So, you are going to then?” I asked him.

He sighed nodding his head as he took a big gulp of water from his glass almost like he wanted it to be something else. To be alcohol like he was looking for the ability to numb himself up so he didn’t have to think about what he had just said he was about to do. How he had just said he was going to have sex with our Da so that Da didn’t hurt anyone else. It was stupid. It seemed beyond stupid because Da would hurt whoever he wanted to and no one could stop him. No one.

“You shouldn’t,” I told him plainly.

“Are you going to?” he asked me.

Was I going to sleep with our Da on the off chance it kept him from touching anyone else? If I had thought there was a chance it would work, sure. But there wasn’t. Even if it had worked it would only be temporary. It wouldn’t work forever. So, what was the point? What was the point in causing myself more pain and making my body that much sorer when it wouldn’t get me anywhere in the long run? When it wouldn’t really benefit anyone.

“To what?” Cat asked where she had been sitting quietly in chair causing us to both look at her.

I sighed wondering what he was going to tell her or if I should explain it to her. Him answering my question with a simple reply to hers.

“Nothing.”

“I don’t think you should. I think you should stay here and we’ll all deal with the consequences,” I told him.

He frowned at me putting his half-eaten sandwich down as he looked at me shaking his head, “Nope. My problem ok? I’ll deal with what happens after.”

“You know how well that’s probably going to go?” I asked him, “You’re going to have problems like you did last time. You know he’s not going to stop. You know he’s just going to keep going until it’s other people. Until you’re on that balcony again staring down and thinking of jumping. You know that is what’s going to happen,” I pointed out shaking my head.

He was already mostly there I could see it. I could hear it in his voice. He already wanted to be dead and I wasn’t letting him push himself the rest of the way there before he stopped breathing. I wasn’t going to condone him throwing himself at Da like he was a fucking stake to be eaten or a sacrifice being thrown on an altar. He was my older brother damnit and I needed him. I needed him to help me take care of all of them. Not just the last four but all of them because Da and Uncle Ben certainly weren’t going to be helping and we both knew it and who knew where mum was or if she was going to be coming back?

“I’ll deal with it when it happens ok? If it keeps you guys safe, I’ll deal with it. I’m not letting them hurt any of you.”

“John, we talked about this,” I said shaking my head, “No one over 10. No one.”

“Yeah well everyone is under 10 but you and I,” John pointed out, “Like hell I’m going to protect them and not you.”

“You’re not protecting anyone by wearing yourself out,” I pointed out, “That’s not doing a damn thing when I need you here, we need you here and you can’t…not if you’re doing that. What is your plan? What are you going to do? Just going to let them keep hurting you? You know how crazy that is? You know how insane and stupid that sounds right now? Mum took us away for a reason, John and we’re all sitting here so let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about what got us here.”

“Well, John did, didn’t he?” Matt answered my question causing everyone that was sitting at the table to turn and look at the hallway that opened out onto the living room where he was standing in the arch, leaning against it with his arms folded, “What? We all know it’s true. Da wouldn’t let him go if his life depended on it. Mum even said so in therapy once. Da loves John more than he loves mum. She said it herself. She knows. We could all be free if when mum gets back we just leave him here.”

Was he kidding me? After everything? John had literally put his ass on the line for Matty. So, I had. We had both done it more than once and yet he called us names. He called me a slut and a whore. He called John names that were just as bad and now he was raping his twin brother and apparently having serious thoughts about raping our other little brothers too. I was fucking tired of him. I loved him but that just made me angry.

I had tried so hard to do everything I could to make him better and it wasn’t enough. I had taken rapes so he didn’t have to. I had listened to Uncle Ben threaten him and Mike repeatedly and kept my mouth fucking shut so he didn’t have to deal with it and this is how he thanked me? 

How he thanked John by saying if we did run again we should leave John behind? John who had done everything for all us as much as he could to the point where he could barely function at that point in time because he was back there. Because of…because of Da who wouldn’t leave us alone and Uncle Ben who thought it was hilarious to take our clothes or at the very least clothing items away that we had to earn back by spending time with him or with Da? I was fucking sick to death of Matt at that moment.

“MATT THAT WILL NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN!” I shouted slamming my hand on the table, “I’m not leaving him. You know how much he has done for us? You know how many times he has literally given himself up so that it wasn’t one of us? What is wrong with you Matt? Seriously! He does everything he can to protect you and you talk about leaving him behind if we ever run again. If that ever happens for all we know Da has hired people to scramble Mum’s brains so we’ll never run again.”

“It’s the truth,” Matt said looking at the floor.

I was surprised to see that. I wasn’t sure if it was real emotion or not but he looked ashamed. His eyes looking different than they usually did when he was playing Bruce even. His eyes looking real it was only briefly only for a second maybe two but it was there. Something in therapy had worked. It must have because I had never seen him look truly remorseful. I had seen him fake it a million times but never truly seen it reflected in his eyes as he avoided eye contact, so ashamed of himself he could only look at the floor. Just seeing it stopping me, making my anger lessen slightly as I looked at him.

Cat started asking something James pointing at something causing me to almost squint before he came into view. He had been lurking right out of eyesight in the shadows. Da. Me feeling my throat close. How long had he been standing there? How much had he heard?

I wondered how much trouble I was in now. If he had heard that then he knew I didn’t want to be there. Maybe he would even tell Lionel which would only make Lionel angrier. Was this where it happened? Was this where Da finally decided he wanted to see me instead of John and took me down into the basement? I couldn’t deal with any more of it. I couldn’t. Not when I had to see Lionel in only two days, not when my body was still as sore as it was. But, it couldn’t be John either. John was breaking, so close to breaking I could feel it coming off him in waves like the kind generated by a wave pool or a strong tide. You taking a breath and just when you think the wave has passed another stronger one hitting you and pulling you back under the current, the waves doing everything they could to drown you, to end you.

That’s what it seemed like Da was doing to John. What Uncle Ben was doing to me. They were trying to Drown us. Allowing us enough time to mentally relax, to feel emotionally drained and then pulling us back under, back into their arms, their rooms and doing it all over again leaving us with barely any time to breathe, and Lionel was going to do it too. In less than 48 hours Lionel was going to do the same thing to me and join in the fun.

“No one is going anywhere ever again,” Da said John visibly cringing and his whole body starting to shake when he heard his voice his whole-body stiff with tremors as he listened to Da moving behind him. Me eyeing John pleading with him to move, to get up and leave him just shaking, small ripples hitting his whole frame as Da stopped right behind his chair putting one of his hands on each of John’s shoulders as he spoke, “I love all of you but yes, John is my oldest and that makes him special to me. When your mum gets back her head will be on a little straighter and she’ll come to accept this is the way things are and we’ll be happy again. All of us together ok?”

“Yes, Da,” Mike muttered quietly getting up from the table and grabbing James and Catty’s plates as well throwing them into the trash can under the sink before leaving the room.

“Come on baby,” Da said leaning forward and kissing the top of John’s head before he took a step back.

So, it was going to be like that? He told him to go with him so he did. Wasn’t he even going to act like he was a decent person? He wasn’t even going to act like my brother was his son but …he was going to treat him like that. Like he treated Mum when he wanted her. He was going to …I felt sick watching John get up and put his plate on the counter next to the sink. John’s whole face blank like he was trying to go somewhere else. Be someone else and not be scared. Not be fucking terrified of what was going to happen once he was somewhere no one else could see him. 

“Hey Will?” he said getting my attention causing me to look at him, “Can you make sure everyone is in bed by 8:30?” he asked me numbly his mouth saying that but his eyes telling me he was sorry. That he was tired and sorry that he couldn’t stop any of it. That there wasn’t anything he could say or do to change any of it and we all knew it. That he was so sorry that he…that there was nothing any of us could do, “I have some stuff…some stuff I have to take care of downstairs. I’ll see everyone later ok?”

I nodded my head. There wasn’t anything to say. No one spoke as Da walked over to the lift with John his right hand on John’s right shoulder as they waited for the lift to come up walking into it. Everyone waited for the door to close and when it did James sighed quietly. A weird little rattle of a sound and Cat looked at me shaking her head.

“He’s doing that thing, isn’t he?” she asked me.

All I could do was nod my head the room silent until Matt giggled lightly shaking his head, “He’s stupid. Does he know that?”

“Matty shut up,” I said shaking my head.

“What? It’s true. At least you know there’s nothing you can really do. He thinks he can. It makes him more pathetic than you,” Matt said.

“Matty” I sighed, “You don’t know what it’s like you don’t…”

“I do!” he nearly shouted, “I do you think I want Uncle Ben there every time? I don’t. He’s so mean to him.”

“You’re mean to him,” I said feeling my anger get the best of me, “You raped him last night with Uncle Ben he told me. He didn’t want you to do that. You know he didn’t want you to do that. I held him while he cried because of what you did. Where were you?” I asked him.

Matt went silent sighing before he looked he looked at Mike, “Really?”

“I didn’t…you’ve never…,” Mike struggled to say.

I wasn’t sure what Mike was trying to say to him. Probably trying to tell him the things he had told me earlier. That he didn’t know Matt anymore. That he could see stuff Matt thought.

“Mike It’s ok,” I told him reaching over and grabbing his hand.

“Mike, I really didn’t mean to hurt you. I swear it,” Matty told him, “I didn’t…I shouldn’t have made you and I’m sorry ok? I just thought you missed me.”

“I did Matty just not…not like that,” Mike said, “I always did that for you because you said it helped you because you didn’t want to. You didn’t want to hurt anyone. That it helped you not hurt him. But, I didn’t…I never wanted to. And then you said you did it because if you didn’t Uncle Ben would. And I was grateful for that, I was I just…I’m not sure I want to…,” Mike trailed off again his face beet red.

That explained a lot. Why Mike had always seemed so submissive about it when I had caught them being odd together. He thought he was protecting someone probably Andy. He thought that he was helping Matt and saving Andy. That wasn’t fair to put on an eight-year-old. If I had realized…I wouldn’t have let him do it. Not ever. No kid should ever have to deal with that. However, it made me wonder how long it had been going on for. How long Matt had thought about hurting them, doing things to them.

“Ok,” Matt said, “I won’t do it any more ok?”

“You promise?” Mike asked him.

“I promise and Will I’ll try to be nicer to John ok? I really will try but,” he sighed heavily, “Sometimes it feels like it’s his fault.”

I sighed too. It wasn’t any more his fault than it was mine but, I wasn’t going to say that. Just because Matt might work on being nicer to John didn’t mean he would on being nicer to me so I decided not to push it because while John was dealing with Da I …well, I had other things I had to worry about. The least of which was my little brother calling me a slut which he really hadn’t in a while.

“It’s not his fault. Just like It’s not mine. We talked about that remember?” I asked him.

“How Uncle Ben would do it anyway. How you don’t control him?” Matt questioned and I nodded my head.

John hadn’t done as many brother sessions with Matt as I had because John was busy working his way through other issues. Issues caused by things Da had put him through like the time he had spent in front of the camera, at Tony’s restaurant. A bunch of things he had shared with me in our brother sessions together that Matt probably wouldn’t sympathize with. Julie told me that she thought even though Matt was angry with me sometimes that he looked up to me. I found the idea weird and crazy because why would you call someone a slut if you looked up to them?

However, he did seem to be less upset with me and more upset with John now for whatever reason and while I didn’t want him being mean to John I felt grateful that he wasn’t being horrible to me anymore. I just needed him to not be horrible to anyone else.

“You have to remember that John doesn’t control Da either ok? The only person that controls someone is themselves. Julie and you talked about that right?” I asked him.

“Yeah but if I don’t listen to them they’ll beat me. Isn’t that a way of controlling me?” he asked me.

“Well not exactly. Because they can tell you they’ll beat you if you don’t listen to them or that you are going to get punished but you still have the ability to not listen to them. You just choose to do as they tell you because if you don’t then you are going to get punished. You’re choosing not to expose yourself to whatever punishment they might give you instead. Does that make sense?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head.

“Will?” he asked me.

“Yes?” I asked him.

“Can we talk about what happened in the…”

“Not right now,” I said, “I’m kind of really tired lately so I’d just rather talk about it at some later time. Are you going to start being nicer to Mike?”

“Yes, honestly, I didn’t know that it wasn’t like that,” he said, “The way I feel about it. I should have asked before I did it. I’m sorry Mike. I really am.”

“Ok,” Mike said nodding his head, “Alo ug loi ox zeugh?” (are you though?)

“Yeah, I swear,” Matt said, “I missed you. I still miss you. I want you back. Ok?”

Mike sighed before he nodded his head, “Can I think about it?”

“Yeah,” Matt said, “Will I’m going to go to my room now. Just for a little while ok?”

“Yeah, go ahead if you’re done eating,” I told him.

“Should I take Mary to the nursery?” he asked me.

“That would help, yes,” I said to which he nodded his head before taking her out of her highchair and taking her down the hall.

“You’re not worried he’s going to hurt her?” Jay asked me.

“No, I’m not worried,” I told him, “Da and Uncle Ben made it clear that he isn’t supposed to touch anyone like that and I think that he’s more like Uncle Ben than Da.”

“What does that mean?” Cat asked me to which I smiled.

“I think that Uncle Ben is different from Da,” I told her.

“That doesn’t mean anything,” Mike said surprising me, “It doesn’t. I mean uncle Ben could do stuff to girls if he wanted to. He just doesn’t want to. Is that what you mean?”

I nodded my head. To me, it still seemed confusing at that point even though I knew it was different. That I was different from Uncle Ben just like Da was different. That everyone was a little different. I had talked to Julie and while she didn’t know about Beau she knew about Cole and she said the fact that I seemed to like older boys pointed to me not having the same desires as Uncle Ben and Da and that I was too young to be able to tell anyway. That the only way to be sure was if the age of the guys I was attracted to didn’t change as I got older. If it stayed the same then that meant I was like them. If it changed then…then I wasn’t.

“Uncle Ben doesn’t touch girls because he doesn’t want to?” Cat asked us.

Now at this point, she knew that Uncle Ben had done things to us and not just Da. She had been included in some family sessions. Julie had thought it was important that we all be honest with each other about what had happened and she said that included Cat. We all knew what had happened to each other, not in detail but that Da had molested all of us and that Uncle Ben had molested us boys and that bad things had happened to all of us.

“Yeah,” Mike said nodding his head, “I think so. That’s what he told me anyway. That they’re sticky. Which doesn’t make any sense because boys are stickier. That’s what everyone says. That older boys gets really sticky.”

I felt my face flush. That was something else what had talked about more. Was that. It didn’t make me feel that awesome though. I hadn’t talked about my physical development personally but that’s because I couldn’t stand the topic with them. Talking about the fact that I could do those things and most people couldn’t do them until they were closer to 12. How I just happened to have developed early.

“Why does your face always go red when they talk about baby juice?” Cat asked me.

“It…it’s not,” I sighed, “Look, guys, since we all know about, do we have to talk about it?”

“I guess not,” Mike said, “Sorry.”

“It’s ok, how about you help me with the dishes ok?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head, “Shouldn’t we put the babies to bed first though?”

“Yeah, we…,” I paused hearing the lift kick on.

Fucking awesome. This was fucking awesome. I didn’t want him up there with us. I didn’t need him there. He needed to go back downstairs. He didn’t need to be there. I remember thinking that before I looked at them sighing heavily.

“Ok guys,” I said, “I need you guys to grab Shay and Mac and I’ll get Andy and Laura ok?”

“Will?” Mike asked.

“Please,” I said, “Don’t argue right now just …”

“Come on Andy,” Cat said messing with his buckle before I undid it and got him down for her. She took his hand Laura taking her other one as the lift opened before I put Mac down him grabbing Jay’s hand as Uncle Ben stepped into the hallway when the lift opened.

“Hey everyone, where are you all going?”

“Their rooms,” I answered as they kept walking down the hall, Cat nearly dragging Andy forward as he almost paused in the hallway.

“Why?” he asked me his eyes hard.

“Because it’s…we need a nanny. It’s easier if they go to bed early,” I told him.

He cocked one eyebrow at me his eyes softening. Did he really think I wanted to…? No, I didn’t want to do it. I just didn’t want him doing it to them. I sighed closing my eyes feeling light headed. Dizzy almost.

“Whoa baby,” he said grabbing me, “It’s ok. You’re ok baby.”

I shook my head. He couldn’t be serious. He had to be joking. He…

“Uncle Ben please,” I asked him, “Just, please. Please.”

He frowned at me his eyes going hard again as I felt my face heating up. Had he thought I wanted to? For real? 

“How about you put the babies to bed?” he asked me suddenly.

“What?” I asked him.

“Go make sure the babies are in bed. Hopefully, they’ll be asleep most of the night. Don’t you want to make sure they are in bed before you come downstairs with me?” he asked me.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head numbly wondering why he had just changed so suddenly. He still seemed upset just something seemed off me not sure I could trust him but doing as I was told. Changing and getting them ready for bed before laying them down in the cribs. I didn’t know where Uncle Ben was but I was nervous about it.

When I got them down I went out into the living room to find Uncle Ben sitting on the couch with James. He wasn’t doing anything just sitting there with him. Me not sure what was going on.

“James, you can …go to sleep now,” I told him to which James didn’t move.

That wasn’t like him. Me frowning at them as they sat on the couch.

“Jay, what’s going on?” I asked.

“Jay’s going to come with us aren’t you Jamie?” Uncle Ben asked him to which James nodded his head at his toes.

“Why?” I asked him.

“You’ll see,” Uncle Ben said standing up.

“You only have enough hands to drag one of us downstairs so you’re going to tell me why now,” I said.

“Don’t get smart. Daddy L wouldn’t like that,” he said.

Well, that felt like a punch to the stomach. I hadn’t told anyone about that. Not anyone. I had told mum about Lionel but not John and not anyone else. No one else knew that and he shouldn’t be able to tell people that. That was mine. That wasn’t ok. He didn’t need to know that.

“Who is Daddy L?’ Jay asked me frowning.

“You’ll find out,” Uncle Ben said looking at him, “Come on boys, downstairs.”

“No,” I said shaking my head, “I won’t.”

I figured it was probably going to be like what he made Mike and Matt do all the time. Touch each other and I refused to do it. I refused to ever touch James like that. Or at least I refused for as long as possible. He wasn’t going to be able to make me do that.

“You want to say no again?” he asked me, “If you do I’ll fuck him right on this couch before I fuck you instead of taking you downstairs. You want that?”

Jay shook his head vigorously going to move away from him before Uncle Ben grabbed him hard by the arm, “You’ll be his one day but you aren’t his now. So, you just think very carefully about that. You too.” Uncle Ben said looking at me.

That was a warning. A warning that he could hurt him and not get in trouble. Not really. The idea scaring me. That he would hurt him just because he could.

“Let him go,” I said trying my best not to cry, “I’ll do anything you want just let him go.”

“What if I want him too though? He looks like he could be sweet. Can you be sweet Jamie?” he asked James looking at him as his angry hands pressed into James’ arm. As he hurt him.

I didn’t know what to do. I felt fucking stuck. It wasn’t like Da would stop him. Da was busy with John. The only thing I could think of was to cooperate as much as possible. Maybe if I did he wouldn’t do anything to him. Maybe he would leave him alone and make him just watch. It was better than him touching him, hurting him.

“Is he really coming?” I asked him.

Uncle Ben smiled widely but managed not to laugh at the innuendo, “Yes,” he answered me.

“What do I have to do to change that?” I asked him.

“Nothing you can do,” he told me, “Come on.”

He pulled James towards the lift me following. He had only gone through it twice. The second time he hadn’t spoken out loud for a while. He was a little boy his body couldn’t do that again. He had no right to…

“Come on you don’t want him with me alone and you know it,” Uncle Ben said putting his hand up against the lift door before it started closing on me. Me rushing over to it and stepping inside.

Whatever this was it wasn’t going to be good.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will is forced to endure a new type of trauma and isn't sure how to deal with the aftermath doing the best he can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 810 to 827. Yes, it's a double post because this chapter is short while it's not detailed graphic. However, the language is graphic. If you have any questions about that feel free to ask. it's emotionally graphic so please take care and read the warning before you go on to read. Describes the sounds and some sites of a six-year-old being sexually assaulted. **warnings: child sexual abuse, forced oral, forced anal fingering, forced kissing, rape/non-con, mental health issues, anxiety, PTSD, Rape aftermath** Trust me you want to heed the warnings just because it's emotionally heavy **Takes place between chapters 2 and 3 John POV part 2.**

He let go of James. James immediately coming to me and burying his head in my chest his whole body shaking. He knew this was bad news. Whatever it was it was bad news.

“Uncle Ben,” I said getting ready to plead my case.

“Relax,” he told me, “I’ve been told to bring both of you so…”

“What?” I asked him.

“He wants to talk to you. He’s missed you,” Uncle Ben told me.

But he wasn’t supposed to be coming until tomorrow. He wasn’t supposed to be here until tomorrow. This was insanely bad.

“Who?” James asked quietly not looking at Uncle Ben but keeping himself where he was wrapped in my arms.

“Uncle Ben…” I started again before he grabbed my arm hard this time pulling me out of the lift onto the third floor.

“Come on,” he said, “In.” he said nearly throwing us into the room James falling to the floor as I barely caught myself before I landed on top of him Uncle Ben pulling me back up and grabbing me on each side of my jaw squeezing, “You don’t tell him a damn thing about earlier you understand? You do you’re going to be watching me rip his tight little boy cunt apart you got it?” he hissed at me.

I nodded my head looking around the room, looking for him. Freaking out because I didn’t see him. And then I realized what Uncle Ben had just said to me. That I couldn’t say anything about what he had done earlier meaning he wasn’t there. He wasn’t there but he wanted to. I looked over to see Uncle Ben setting a phone on the bed and dialing a number.

“Willy who is he calling?” James whispered barely loud enough I could hear him.

“The leader,” I said.

I didn’t know who else he would call that would want to talk to both of us. He had been the one to hurt James. He had hurt me and said he would keep hurting me. That I was his. He had made me…

I bit my lips closed before slamming my eyes shut trying to breathe. Not wanting to see the look on Jay’s face as he spoke. As I heard his voice again.

“They’re both here sir,” Uncle Ben said into the phone before putting it on speaker phone.

“Both?” I heard Lionel ask afraid of how white James had probably gone feeling his shaking as he made his way over to me probably crawling to me on the carpet his whole body shaking as he leaned against mine.

“Yes sir,” Uncle Ben told him, “Say, hi boys.”

“Hi,” James managed to mutter.

“There’s the sweet peach where’s my little one?” he asked.

“He’s here. You know him, he gets shy,” Uncle Ben said.

“Come on little one, speak for me,” he said, “Tell me hi.”

“Hi,” I barely managed.

“Now, now you know what to call me,” he said, “Don’t be like this. You were like this yesterday and I want you to get used to me before I see you tomorrow. Say it right.”

“Hi…,” I inhaled trying to calm myself down, trying to stop my body from shaking, “Daddy L.” I managed.

“Good job little one. I know that was hard. Why don’t you go over to your uncle?” He asked me.

Now that scared me. How did he know I wasn’t anywhere near him? Me looking around to see if he was there wondering what was happening. Why he knew that. How he knew that.

Now when we had been in Montana we hadn’t really had a computer. I heard on the news and stuff about new tech all the time because I kept up with it. I’d heard about webcams or IP cameras but I didn’t see one in the room but it was dark. Back then not every camera had the ability to use audio which would explain why he was on the phone. But if he could see us. That scared the shit out of me.

“William, now,” Lionel said using his most commanding voice.

I sighed but stood up looking around for the camera wondering how he could even see me if the room was dark before he sighed heavily, “Little one he won’t bite you unless I tell him to. Why don’t you turn on the light Ben? That way I can see them better perhaps? It might make them more comfortable.

James looked at me hugging himself as Uncle Ben got up and walked past me to the light switch. I didn’t know what was happening me turning around looking. Starting to panic trying to figure out where the camera was, what was happening. What they were going to do.

“Don’t worry about it little one. Just breathe ok?” Lionel said calmly, “Why don’t you give your Uncle a hug? I’m sure you missed him.”

Uncle Ben walked over to me wrapping his arms around me and hugging me before his hands started trailing down my back, down my back to the hem of my undershirt which he started to pull up causing me to tense. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want him watching this. I didn’t want James watching this. This was bad. This wasn’t good.

“It’s ok just relax,” Uncle Ben whispered in my ear, “he just wants a show baby. He wants to make sure you remember.”

“Ben, why don’t you kiss him? Really kiss him?” Lionel asked over the phone before Uncle Ben started kissing me first just a short peck and then a longer one. Then he pushed his tongue past my lips.

It made me feel sick to my stomach his hands up against my bare skin. 

“Very nice, James you should be watching,” I heard Lionel say through the speaker, “It’s important to learn, isn’t it? Good, now we’re going to work on using our words next time ok?”

I couldn’t see but I figured James probably nodded his head. I wanted to scream at them. That they should just let him go. He was a little boy. He was just a little boy. He didn’t need to see what was going to happen. What he was going to do to me. What Lionel was going to listen to and watch uncle Ben do to me. He didn’t need to be here. This wasn’t fair to him.

” Why don’t you take him to the bed Ben?” Lionel prompted.

Uncle Ben’s hands wrapping around my waist as he started forcing me backward, forcing me towards the bed. Him pushing me down into it his weight on top of me. His hands sliding up my back bringing my shirt with it. At that point, I started to tune out. I didn’t want to be there anymore. I didn’t want to be there to begin with Uncle Ben pulling my shirt up over my head and kissing down my chest.

“It’s ok little one there’s nothing to be sad about,” I heard Lionel say making me open my eyes.

I hadn’t realized I was crying. I wasn’t making sound I had been crying silently. I didn’t like it. I wanted all of it to go away.

“Ben, why don’t you use some your skills to teach James?” I heard Lionel say.

“Yeah ok,” Uncle Ben said breaking his kiss with me and sitting up, “Jamie why don’t you come here?”

He had to be joking. This couldn’t be real. He had to be joking.

“James it’s ok my sweet peach he’s not going to hurt you,” Lionel coaxed through the speaker. He had to be kidding.

I sat up numbly hugging myself James looking at me where he sat on the floor curled into a little ball, his knees pulled tightly to his chest his whole being still shivering. I didn’t know what I could for him. I knew I couldn’t watch this happen. I couldn’t let them do this to my little brother. I couldn’t.

“James, now isn’t the time to be shy, go give your uncle a hug,” Lionel said.

“Daddy L please?” I said suddenly, “I…please?”

“Little one! Are you going to talk to me? I love it when you talk to me. Can you tell me how you’ve been? Have you been good since the last time we spoke?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “I’ve been good I promise. I’ll be good. Just…”

“Oh, little one that’s not how I do things. I decide what happens ok? I would really like to see how James reacts to certain sensations that I’m not sure he’s had much experience with so why don’t you just sit there. You could maybe take off the rest of your clothes if you want but, just watch.”

So, he was going to make me watch my Uncle…I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t just sit there and watch.

“It’s ok,” Uncle Ben said getting up and walking over to the corner picking James up like the child he was and setting him on the bed sitting down in a way so that he was in front of him. Uncle Ben being closer to the foot of the bed as James was placed closer to the pillows his arms still tightly wrapped around his knees his whole body still trembling, “You’re such a beautiful boy you know that Jamie? Have I ever told you that?”

“Yes, you are Jamie,” Lionel echoed the words, “From what I remember you’re beautiful everywhere. Do you remember that?”

James stared at his knees and nodded his head.

“Use your words, Jamie,” Lionel prompted, “I’d like to hear your voice from what I remember you have such a nice voice my little peach. Don’t you want to let me hear it? Ben why don’t you see if you can get him to relax a little bit.”

“Come here Jamie,” Uncle Ben said playing with Jay’s bare feet, touching the top of them before grabbing onto his ankles and yanking his legs out of his arms so hard it looked like it had probably hurt before Uncle Ben climbed on top of him kissing his face, his cheeks, trying to kiss his neck as he tensed his whole body still shivering but frozen.

I clapped my own hand over my mouth just to keep myself from making a sound as I watched. Feeling like I was about to start sobbing. Not sure what else I could do.

“Oh, little one he’s ok your Uncle is just going to love him that’s all. I have an idea why don’t you sit on the pillows behind him? I think he’s a little nervous too and it’s ok to be nervous but why don’t you try and help him relax? You’ve done this before. You know if you’re calm or relaxed it’s easier. Can you do that for me?”

I didn’t know what to do or say me nodding my head before I remembered he was going to prompt me, “Yes, Daddy L.” I said.

I sighed heavily moving and getting behind him sitting with my knees above his head and taking his head bending over touching my forehead to his my whole body shaking not sure what I could do. Only that I had to do this. I had to because Lionel was right. It would hurt him so much worse if he couldn’t relax. If he couldn’t calm down. If he couldn’t relax his body. The idea making me want to scream at them. Tell them to just stop.

That he was just little and they should stop. Knowing that it wouldn’t make a difference before I thought of what I could do to try and keep him as calm as possible, “Bud, I need you look at me ok?” I told him as I grabbed his hands and he grabbed mine back squeezing them tightly.

He nodded his head opening his eyes which caused me to give him a small smile of encouragement, “Now, this is what we’re going do ok? Every time it hurts or it’s something you don’t like you squeeze harder ok?” I said hiccupping as I tried to keep myself from crying, “You …you relax everything else and you squeeze my hands harder ok?”

He nodded his head his eyes wet, “It’s going to hurt.”

“I know bud, I know. I’m so sorry but I’m right here ok? I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere,” I told him as I started openly crying, “I’m so sorry.”

“You make it sound like he’s going to kill him. He’s just going to show him how much he’s loved,” Lionel said, “There isn’t any need to be afraid or upset little one. Just tell that cute little peach to relax. Ben, you know what to do right?”

“Oh yeah,” Uncle Ben said pulling off James’ pants and underwear in one movement before he climbed on top of him kissing his neck and chest working his way down Jay’s body him squeezing my hands every time Uncle Ben’s lips made contact with his body.

“Willy…Willy I don’t…,” 

“Shhh…” I said bending over him touching our foreheads together again, “I know ok? I know and I wish I could stop them but they’ll just get really mad and hurt us so this is what we’re going to do. You’re going to look at me and try your best to…” I cringed as he squeezed my hands really hard the feeling of my fingers being ground together causing me pain, “You’re going to try and stay as relaxed as possible and you’re going to look at me. When you feel something you don’t like you squeeze the hell out of me ok? That’s what we’re going to do.”

“No words unless you’re sharing with the group my little one ok?”

“Sorry Daddy L,” I said setting my face trying to be as calm as possible as I sat up.

“Ok little peach make those delicious sounds for us. No words though just like when you played with me.”

Uncle Ben started kissing his belly button. They weren’t fooling around. They were really going to do this to him. I untangled my one hand from him giving him my wrists instead in hopes of sparing my fingers some major pain and went to the same with the other hand but, before I could he whined and squeezed hard.

“Willy…I don’t…I don’t…,” he said his whole-body shivering.

“I know, it’s ok, it’s ok look at me,” I told him, “Look at me…”

“NO WORDS!” Lionel spat over the speaker, “I hear any more words and you will regret it.”

“Yes, Daddy L,” I said.

“And you my sweet little peach?” he asked James.

“It…I don’t…,” he mumbled squeezing my wrist and hand again.

“Just promise me no more words little peach that’s all I’m asking from you. Just say, Yes, Daddy L,” Lionel prompted him.

“y…yes D…dad…Daddy L,” James managed his whole body tensing as I looked up from James’ face to see what Uncle Ben was doing. His mouth was right below his belly button his hands in-between James’ legs.

James had his knees bent his legs trembling so hard. Whatever Uncle Ben was doing his body couldn’t handle. He was just little tiny he couldn’t do this. And they were making him and they were making me watch. Making me help them even if I didn’t want to. Even if I would rather it was me under Uncle Ben’s lips than him.

He let out a whimper sounding like a kicked dog. His body not able to do it, to handle the feeling that was under his skin his whimpers getting louder as the feeling got stronger.

“Look at how swollen that little fruit is. Such a sweet little boy my peach. I bet you want your uncle to make it feel, better don’t you?” Lionel said.

I didn’t like the way his voice sounded when he said it. Not that it was something he should be saying about a six-year-old or anyone but the way his voice sounded reminded me of being with him and Jai. Them together, how everything Jai had done to me seemed to excite him more.

“Boss how many times do you want him to finish?”

“Well the idea is to get him used to it. So, I was thinking three or four,” Lionel answered him my eyes going wide in horror, “Make sure each time it’s a 5 plus pop though. I want to see that special little boy pussy pop.”

That made me feel sick. Like I thought I was going to puke hearing that. I knew what he was talking about. A really intense orgasm could make your whole body pulsate. I’d felt it before but he was just little. Your whole body felt like it was on fire and one giant cramp after they did that to you. After they made your body do that. He couldn’t handle doing that four times. He didn’t deserve that.

“Can I use my fingers?” Uncle Ben asked.

“He does probably need to be opened so yes but only two,” Lionel said, “Now get to it. Suck all the juice out of that sweet little boy fruit.”

Uncle Ben laughed, “He’s six not much juice is going to come out you realize that?”

“Yes, but it makes it that much more exciting when they do. Now, are you going to continue?” Lionel asked him.

“Oh yeah,” he said smiling before he kissed James right below his belly button again causing me to turn away and close my eyes and James squeezed my hand and wrists again.

It was painful, listening to him whimper his whimpers hitting a high pitch before he sobbed Uncle Ben waiting pulling his mouth away and his fingers to let James catch his breath before doing it again. Each time his breathing getting heavier like he was finding it harder to keep breathing as he sobbed, as his mouth and nose filled with snot because he was crying and they were ignoring it. 

Lionel praising him through the phone telling him he was such a sweet boy and that he loved seeing his boy pussy pop like that. The whole thing making me want to cry with him but knowing I couldn’t because he needed me to be strong. He needed someone to be strong for him.

“AHHHH NO!!!” James screamed loudly as Uncle Ben started blowing him one last time, licking him, me closing my eyes as James squeezed as hard as he could.

I didn’t want to see them do that to him. I knew how bad that felt especially when you didn’t completely understand why your body was doing that. Why your body was reacting that way even though you didn’t like it and you were sure you didn’t like it. 

“No words little peach,” Lionel reminded him Lionel’s breathing getting heavier.

James moaned and screamed wordlessly as Uncle Ben did that to him at one point outright shrieking before Uncle Ben finally stopped. Lionel giving him words of encouragement his whole body still shaking.

“And now sir?” Uncle Ben asked Lionel whose breathing was slowing down.

“Now you can do what you want however that boy pussy is mine to taste so you keep your mouth out of it. Understand?” Lionel said to Uncle Ben.

“Yes, sir,” Uncle Ben said before he grabbed James my heart nearly stopped as the dial tone sounded from the speaker.

He was going to rape him. He was going to…No. He couldn’t. No.

“NO,” I said shaking my head, “LEAVE HIM ALONE HE’S HAD ENOUGH!”

“Oh, I don’t want him,” he said gently setting James on his feet before he climbed back onto the bed, “I mean I’ll settle for him if you don’t give me what I want. That’s on you though. On your stomach.”

I rolled over trying to ignore James sobbing and pulled down my pants. Uncle Ben kissing the back of my neck as he did so, “You were such a big help baby. God, I love you,” he said before he stopped for a second going over to the nightstand smiling at me when I looked over, “Better play safe. He’s probably still watching.”

That made me feel sick to my stomach. Thinking of how he had seen the whole thing. How he had basically told my uncle to do that to James while James had screamed and cried. While I had held his hands doing what I could without using my words encouraging him to squeeze my hands when it felt like too much.

“You were so good baby,” he breathed into my back lining up and pushing in without using his fingers the burn almost making me cry out. 

That fucking hurt. There wasn’t any rule saying they had to perp us but it helped it not hurt so badly. It took it down from a blunt stabbing pain to a slight burn. Him grabbing my hips hard as he did it.

“Always so good,” he moaned into my back as I made a sound between a hum and a hiss as he started to thrust.

I didn’t know what to do besides take it. Let him do it. So, I could get James out of there. So, I could get him upstairs where he could feel safe. Where he could cry and scream and talk all he wanted without being yelled at or having some sick old man getting off on it. Me trying to relax and just breathe as Uncle Ben raped me so that I didn’t traumatize him any more than he already was. Trying to be quiet and just let him finish.

When he was finished he rolled off me laying on the bed on his back, “Take him and go since I can’t do anything else with you,” Uncle Ben muttered almost angrily.

“Come on bud,” I said standing up not even caring if I had clothes somewhere me just grabbing him and picking him up. Leaving as fast as I could.

He was sobbing loudly, heavily. He was probably in so much pain and he couldn’t do anything about it. His body shaking with his sobs as I took us to the lift.

“I know bud, I know,” I said trying my best not to cry with him, “We’re going upstairs and we’re going to take a nice long hot shower ok? Everything will be ok. I promise I’ll do whatever I can to make it ok.”

He just kept crying clinging to me as I carried him. Not sure what else I could do but rock him. When the lift opened I hurried us into my bathroom shutting the door and turning on the water. We were both naked I didn’t care though I knew the feeling of the water would make him feel better. That it would make me feel better and that was the only thing I could do for him and for myself. That there wasn’t anything else but that so that’s what I did. Starting the water and then thinking about clothes. Me wondering if Da and Uncle Ben had checked the rubber bins in the nursery walk-in closet that were probably labeled summer full of summer clothes from last year. Mum always held on to those short of things because sometimes it saved money and John and I seemed to grow at very close rates so whatever had fit John a couple months before would probably fit me.

When I started the shower, I put him in the bottom of the tub and when to go leave, “NO! NO WILLY!!” he screamed loudly.

“Hey,” I told him coming back to him touching the top of his head, “Hey it’s ok. I’ll be right back ok? I’m going to find us some clothes. That’s all I’m doing. I’m going to come right back after that ok?”

“You can’t leave,” he whimpered, “You can’t…” he started shaking.

I couldn’t think of anything else to do me sighing heavily as I checked the clock on the bathroom wall. It was almost 9 pm. Everyone else would be in bed but I didn’t have any choice. If he screamed and sobbed like that the whole time I was gone he would wake everyone up. And then I’d have to explain to Matt and Mike why they needed to take care of screaming and wide-awake toddlers while I handled our six-year-old brother who was in the middle of a breakdown. Me instead deciding that the best thing I could do was to stay with him climbing into the tub behind him.

“Ok, I’m not leaving,” I told him pulling him against my chest as I sat him in my lap, “I’m not leaving I’m right here bud. It’s ok just let it out.”

“I don’t like it,” he sobbed, “I don’t like it.”

“I know bud,” I said as I closed my eyes and started rocking us both slowly, “I know Shhh…it’s ok. It’s ok…”

He kept crying. I was surprised he was speaking to be perfectly honest. I wanted to calm him down but wasn’t sure how until I thought about how mum sang a lot of lullabies. I couldn’t remember any at the moment suddenly a song coming into my head that we sang at Church on Sundays.

“Nearer, my God, to Thee,  
Nearer to Thee;  
E’en though it be a cross  
That raiseth me,  
Still all my song shall be  
Nearer, my God, to Thee,  
Nearer, my God, to Thee,  
Nearer to Thee.  
Though, like a wanderer,  
The sun gone down,  
Darkness comes over me,  
My rest a stone;  
Yet in my dreams I’d be  
Nearer, my God, to Thee,  
Nearer, my God, to Thee,  
Nearer to Thee.”

I couldn’t remember the rest of the words so I kept repeating that singing it quietly to him hoping and waiting for him to calm down. Me grabbing the shampoo and rubbing some into his hair as I sang quietly to him. He was just a little boy. He didn’t deserve to feel like that. To feel his body do that to him. He might have understood what it was because of therapy but it was still scary. It would always be scary.

I used a cup to rinse his head and I leaned up grabbing a washcloth and washing is back his sobs mostly subsiding to little hiccups as the water the rained down on us. Me going silent as I washed his back for him.

“They do that all the time?” he asked me in barely a whisper, almost so quiet I couldn’t hear it.

“Not exactly like that but yeah,” I answered for him.

“I don’t like that,” he told him.

“Me neither, it’s scary. That feeling,” I agreed, “Did he do it before?”

James nodded his head me seeing his ears flush. Sighing as I saw it because John had mentioned that when I blushed my ears also blushed more than once. The idea making me feel guilty even though it wasn’t my fault and logically I knew that. It wasn’t my fault he was like me. He hadn’t asked to be like me. He hadn’t asked for Lionel to like him. Just like I hadn’t.

“I don’t…”

“I know bud,” I said nodding my head before I kissed his shoulder, “We’re going to clean ourselves off and then we’re going to go bed ok?”

“Can I sleep with you?” he asked me.

“I want you to,” I told him nodding my head, “How about you stand up and finish washing yourself off?”

“It feels sticky,” he told me his hands shaking as I got up and looked at him, “Down there,” he whispered.

“Ok. Do you need me to…,” he nodded his head.

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to really but he was little his arms weren’t that long. I thought about Teddy how Teddy had helped me into the tub after Lionel and Jai. How he had talked to me and calmed me down. Provided me with aftercare because he couldn’t really do anything else.

This was my brother. My brother who I had held while my uncle had forced him to endure something no kid should ever have to deal with. I was going to give him whatever aftercare he needed even if that meant hosing out his more intimate areas so that they didn’t feel sticky. So that he could forget about what had happened just for a little while.

“Ok come on,” I told him helping him up, “What I need you to do is stand there put your hands on the wall ok and squat I’m going to use some water. Usually, I only do this for myself you realize?” I asked him to which he nodded his head.

Trust me when you have Vaseline up your ass or some other oil based lube it doesn’t always easily wash away so squatting while you spray a shower head into your nether regions is the only way to really make sure it’s gone before you use a little bit of soap. If you don’t it gets stuck on your skin, you can still feel it. It’s sticky, it makes you feel gross and it just reminds you of what just happened to you. So, it’s better to just hold the shower head and squat and hope you can spray up there well enough to get most of it to wash off your skin.

I squirted it as he squatted over the shower head his whole body tensing because trust me it’s a lot of water and it doesn’t feel that awesome me patting his shoulder, “Ok bud now just take your hand and rub.” I said which he followed the direction looking like he was about to start sobbing again.

The whole thing was very traumatic for him. It wasn’t like it was for me. I was used to it at that point, the sensations of the act itself and then the cleanup. He wasn’t. This was probably only third time he had ever done this in his entire life him breaking down using his hand to cover his mouth as he started crying again.

“You just did so well. You did that so good bud I’m so proud of you,” I said sitting back down with him as I put the shower head back, “You did so good.”

“I don’t want to,” he whimpered starting to sob again as I held him sitting on the bottom of the tub with me.

“I know bud but you just did so good. You’re being so brave right now. I’m so proud of you. I didn’t do nearly this well for a very very long time,” I told him.

“Really?” he asked me.

“Really. When Da did that stuff to me. I never…I could never manage it. I was always too sore and I hated the way the water felt because he’d just had his fingers up there and it burned so I, it took me forever to figure out the best way to do it,” I admitted to him, “But I was all alone too so…”

“You were?” he asked me.

“Yeah see Jack, he…he tried to deal with Da a lot but Da really scared him and he always did so much to keep me safe so I didn’t tell him or mum because I felt like I was protecting them. It was one thing they didn’t have to worry about. So, I did it on my own. I shouldn’t have but, I did. Jack still only knows a little bit about it,” I admitted to James.

“But you always tell us when they do something we should, we should tell,” James said looking at me.

“That’s right because there’s no reason why you should have to deal with it alone ok? None. Jack deals with it and so do I and Mike and Matt deal with it too. Even Catty. Da has even done things to Catty and you know that. So, there’s no reason why you should have to feel alone with your feelings and the way it scares you and makes you feel bad ok bud? Because we’re all right here and we all understand how it feels,” I told him.

He nodded his head, “I don’t like it.”

“No, it’s really scary, isn’t it?” I asked him and he nodded his head vigorously.

“Does it always feel itchy?” he asked me.

“What do you mean?” I asked him confused by the question.

“The sticky stuff that was on his fingers does it always feel itchy?” He asked me.

I sighed. He was probably having a reaction to whatever Uncle Ben had used. Because it hadn’t been Vaseline that time. I don’t know what it was that he used on him but if it was making him itch it was probably a good guess that it was something he was allegoric to.

“No, not always but I have something that can make it not feel so itchy ok? How about you finish washing your body and I’ll wash my hair ok?”

He nodded his head picking the washcloth back up and rubbing himself down with it as I turned away and started washing my hair. I leaned over him, “close your eyes bud,”

“Why?” he asked me.

“I’m rinsing my hair I don’t want you to get shampoo in your eyes,” I told him, “Did you finish washing?”

“Yeah but I still feel gross,” he told me.

“Ok, I’m going to hop out and get another washcloth for me and I’ll be right back in a second. You wash yourself again if you think that will help ok?”

“Ok Willy,” he said quietly as I hopped out of the shower.

It only took me a second to get back and find that he had covered his washcloth in an insane amount of body wash however I didn’t really say anything. I knew where it was coming from, what his mind was thinking. That if a little bit of soap got him clean that the more he used maybe he could wash it all away even though it didn’t work like that. 

“You were little like Jack was right?” he asked me suddenly.

“What bud?”

“You were little like Jack was the first time Da put his mouth on your penis?” he asked me.

“I think I was probably closer to Mike and Matt’s age,” I told him.

“You weren’t little?” he asked frowning.

“No, Daddy was away when I was little. That’s why he didn’t do it to me when I was little like he did to Jack,” I told him.

“That’s when mummy sent him away?” he asked me and I nodded my head.

“Don’t you think it’s weird that mummy sent him away and then he sent her away?” he asked me.

“No,” I sighed, “Mummy was trying to keep us safe from him, from this and that made him really mad. That’s why mummy sent him away. He sent mummy away because he was mad at her for taking us away. So, while mummy sent him away to help us, to keep us safe. He sent mummy away to hurt us. So, all we have is us. You understand that don’t you?”

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head.

“Good. Are you still washing?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he told me as I climbed back in the shower, “Ok well I have to rinse myself and…”

“Like you helped me rinse?” he asked me.

“Yes,” I answered, “And wash myself off and then I’m going to go find some clothes because Uncle Ben hasn’t given me back my clothes really. So, I’m going to see if I can find something.”

“Why don’t you check John’s room?” he asked me.

“Because John has been wearing the same pair of sweatpants since we got home. So, I doubt he has any clothes,” I told him.

“Uncle Ben really took your clothes?” he asked me holding his hand out as I handed over the shower head again.

I just nodded my head. I didn’t want to talk about it. That every time I had sex with him, I basically earned a piece of my clothing back. He had only taken James’ PJ shirts and left everything else. Da had taken Catty’s underwear and I had no idea what he and Uncle Ben had taken from Mike and Matt even though I was pretty sure Mike had been wearing the same pair of jeans for the last two days so it was very possible they had taken his pants.

Honestly, between myself and the toddlers and babies, I didn’t have time to keep up with what Matt and Mike were wearing. That and I was beyond nervous and scared that Matt was going to hurt someone besides Mike. Even though Matt seemed to have taken Mike’s feelings into account at least for now. Which I wasn’t sure how long that would last or if it was even real but I had other things I was worried about like what I was going to do with this kid who had just been digitally and orally raped in front of me while I had no choice but to sit there and try and be as calm as possible to keep him from freaking out even more. Because if his body had been tense it would have hurt him a whole lot more than it had ended up hurting.

I felt stupid and weak. Like a child. I was a child. I couldn’t have stopped him and that was something I had realized the moment we stepped back through that door. That didn’t make it easier though. Not for me and definitely not for him. Me taking the shower head back from James and washing myself as thoroughly as I could before scrubbing myself and rinsing myself off and then scrubbing again before I grabbed myself a towel and stepped out.

“Are you going to wash yourself again?” I asked him quietly.

“Yeah,” he told me.

“Ok, I’ll be right back. I’ll grab something for you too. Do you want one of mine or Jack’s shirts if I can find any?” I asked him.

“Please,” he said quietly.

“Ok I’ll be back as soon as I can,” I told him.

He was calm for now but I wasn’t sure how long that would last. I knew him and I knew the mood swings that came with…after. You hated yourself because your body had liked it but then you were confused because your body had liked it. Then you wondered why you couldn’t stop them and then you remembered. It was a rollercoaster every time that you didn’t want to ride going from calm to scared to sad, to angry and then back again. Sometimes in the matter of a minute. Sometimes in more like 20. And he was just little. While he understood what happened understanding doesn’t always help you process emotions. Emotions are very often illogical.

I went and quietly opened the nursery door not turning on any lights until I got the closet and checking behind all the baby clothes. Sure, enough there was a giant rubber maid back there labeled boys, summer J&W 9-12. That would be where I would find something if I was lucky me opening it and finding a pile of shirts on the top. I grabbed two of the biggest shirts from it and then a pair of pants for me being as quiet as possible thankfully not waking any of the babies up sliding the pants and one of the shirts on right there in the closet before I went back to my room.

He had just come out of the shower. My bathroom door open. He sounded like he had cried a little more while I was gone. That poor kid. My heart broke for him.

“You got one for me, right?” he asked me looking at me.

“Yeah,” I said handing the shirt over to him cursing myself as I realized I forget to grab his pants before he pulled it over his head. He was swimming in it. The shirt must have been John’s it was so big it was falling off his shoulders but he hugged himself grabbing the shoulder of it and sniffing it. The sight making me feel horrible.

He had said last time Lionel had mentioned how he smelt. That he hadn’t wanted to smell like himself anymore. That was probably something he remembered. Hearing his voice had triggered a lot of things for me too. Had upset me.

“Do you want pants?” I asked him to which he nodded his head, “Ok,” I said holding out my hand for him to take, “Let’s go find you some pants.”

He took my hand his whole body shaking as I approached the bedroom door him pulling back and shaking his head.

“Bud, I know it’s scary ok? But if he’s out there I’m not going to let him do that again ok?” I told him.

“I…,” he said his whole little body shaking in fear, “What do I do?”

“You stay with me unless I tell you to run ok? You don’t need to be scared right now bud,” I said.

“I don’t want to…,” he muttered his chin wobbling in freight.

“I know. I’m right here though,” I told him, “I’m going to do whatever I can to make sure that doesn’t happen again ok?”

He nodded his head squeezing my hand as I opened the door. I knew he wasn’t upstairs but, James was six. His powers of duction couldn’t override his emotional state. I mean when you’re a scared six-year-old your brain isn’t running at full capacity and on top of that he was tired and sore, probably really sore and he just wanted his mum, just like I wanted her and instead all he had was me.

We walked to his room him tucked tightly to my side and then grabbed him a pair of pants which he put on. Before we went back to my room. Me climbing into bed as he turned off the light before he climbed into my open arms.

“You’ll be ok,” I told him.

“I want mummy but I’m glad I have you,” he told me before he started crying again.

“It’s ok. Let it out,” I told him hugging him to my chest and rubbing his back through that shirt that was like ten times too big for him. I just held onto him and let him cry it out. That was the only thing I could really do for him at that point. His sadness and helplessness allowing me to almost forget mine for a while. 

I don’t think I fell asleep until his crying had stopped his breathing slowing down but eventually I did sleep. Me forgetting about the fact that I had to see Lionel when I woke up. Allowing me to drift off. To find a place where none of it mattered for a little while.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Friday. The first Friday back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 827 to 849. Well like I said above it's friday that should explain everything takes place during **John's POV pt 2 Chapter 2** I think, it might be chapter three though. **Warnings: Rape/non-con, forced Oral, forced rimming, unprotected sex, gang rape/forced threesome, Forced kissing, talk of making CP, strong language, dirty talk**

I didn’t hear any crying. I’m not even sure what really woke me up but when I looked over at the alarm clock it was 9am. My heart feeling like it wanted to stop as I leaned back James snuggling closer to me in his sleep.

“Bud,” I said quietly running my hand through his hair gently, “I have to go take care of the babies. Do you want to stay here?”

He opened his eyes looking up at me as he blinked, “Yeah, I’ll stay here. I’m not ready to leave yet. What if I want to stay here forever?” he asked me.

untangled myself from him and got up, “I’m not sure you can stay here forever but if you want to stay in here for the day because it makes you feel better I’ll let you. I’ll come check on you in a little bit ok?” I said as he nodded his head and I got up kissing his forehead before heading to the nursery. I opened the door to find everyone dressed John putting a blue dress over Mary’s head and working her arms into it.

“You ok?” I asked him.

He had faced a long night I was sure of that. Nothing with Da was ever easy. The way he talked to you was one of the worst parts of it. The stuff he said. He sighed looking at me before he shook his head.

“Matt’s crazy,” he told me.

A completely random utterance but I did agree with it. He was unhinged. Hopefully though he was under control for the moment me wondering where that had come from frowning at him.

“You caught that?” I asked him.

“What do you mean caught that? I looked at him last night and there was nothing there. Almost like he has no soul. What the fuck happened? What did I let happen?” he asked me shaking his head still.

“Nothing. You didn’t let anything happen. He’s being raised by two monsters and a woman who doesn’t know how to stop them. And a boy who is beyond tired and too busy trying not to go crazy himself,” I said shrugging my shoulders at him, “All we can do is keep trying to make him see it. Keep trying to make him normal. He’s only nine. We can’t give up on him yet.”

He looked at me closely. Sure, enough he was still wearing the same pair of sweat pants he’d been wearing for a while now, probably since we got home. He looked tired his neck black and blue and I knew what from too. He didn’t have a shirt dark circles under his eyes. He almost had a gray pallor to his skin. Like he was getting sick. I said a prayer looking at him. A prayer that he would hold on. That he could find the strength to hold on until we got mum back.

He looked really bad. Like a shadow of what he had been. He didn’t look thin at that point more average but, he had gained weight over the summer being away from Da. Being away from all the abuse. However, he looked ill. He probably had barely eaten since we had gotten home. Me really hoping that Da started to give him a break of some kind.

“Can I tell you something?” John asked me quietly frowning at me.

“Yeah, you can tell me anything. What’s up?” I asked him.

I thought it was something about what Da was doing. Something that he hadn’t done before. Something that John had to get off his chest but instead he surprised me.

“He scares me. Matt scares the hell out of me. I came in here early and he was watching Andy sleep,” he paused like he was seeing it in his head him glancing at Andy for a second before looking back at me, “He had…that look on his face, you know. That look. I told him to leave and he started asking me questions. Saying that I’m the liar. That I’m the one that’s wrong and Da and Uncle Ben aren’t crazy.”

I understood how he felt. How Matt had looked last night at the table before I pointed out that people were responsible for their own actions but where John must have seen something in him that looked like a soul I never did. His eyes always looked weird like there was no soul behind them. Or like it was there but it was hiding, he was hiding it for whatever reason, keeping himself from feeling things like a normal person up until that glimmer yesterday. That glimmer that he might actually feel something.

“We can’t give up on him,” I said thinking of that spark that little something I had seen, “He’s only nine. I’ll keep an eye on him, a close eye ok? I’ll talk to him again about asking you questions. He doesn’t get it.”

“No,” he said shaking his head again, “He gets it. He understands what saying that stuff does to me. He likes to watch me squirm when he does it. He’s sadistic.”

I sighed. I understood that part, I did. I saw it too but, I wanted to find him again. I wanted to believe he was telling me the truth, “I’ll talk to him again. We can fix this. At least make him pretend to be normal, yeah?”

John frowned at the wall. It was an intense frown. Like the one he had worn the day he told me he had almost jumped from the balcony. The day he had talked about wanting to die for the first time.

“I don’t know if I can keep doing this without mum,” he barely muttered.

He couldn’t do this. Not now. I needed him, James needed him and Mike. His head was in a bad place again. I sighed walking over to him and tapping him on the shoulder to pull his eyes back to me and away from the wall.

“We have to. We have to because if we don’t we’re letting him and whatever nanny he hires be in charge which is either going to be some asshole who grooms them worse than he’s managed to brain wash Matty or some stupid girl who is in such major denial it doesn’t matter what we say, like Karen.”

He snorted looking at me, “Karen thought Pat and I were having sex.”

I remembered that. And he had sworn up and down they weren’t. Him and Pat both when they were doing something like it. At least from what he had told me the other day. Even if it wasn’t real sex it was close enough.

“Yeah, I remember that fight. She also thought you were lying about Hank so, she wasn’t the best judge of character,” I told him shrugging my shoulders as Mary started fussing where she was still on the changing table.

“Oh, poor girl!” I said picking her up, “Say but I’m so hungry and you two are just talking and talking…. tell him.”

I held her up facing John as she cried big alligator tears whining at him. He sighed taking her from my arms as he blinked at me.

“You ok?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he smiled down at Mary kissing her forehead before holding her to his chest, “Just tired.”

He was more than just tired. He was exhausted like I was causing me to sigh. I knew it was more than just tired. We both knew it. I wanted to remind him that he didn’t have to hide that from me, that I was right there with him but he spoke before I could respond.

“There’s no use in talking about it ok? There’s nothing I can do to make it not happen. They’re all going to come back at some point. I might as well just accept it,” he said his voice sounding bitter breaking like he was going to start crying.

I felt the same way but that didn’t mean it was true. Just because it felt like we should accept it didn’t mean it was true. It was tiring to fight it, yeah but we had people that needed us to fight it. That needed us to stand up for ourselves as much as we could as long as it didn’t end up costing them. I could stand up to Uncle Ben to a point. If he wanted me I knew there were things I could promise him that would get him to only do things to me and no one else, however, that didn’t mean I was accepting it. That meant I was doing what I had to. That was different than just giving up.

“Accept it how?” I asked him, “What do you mean accept it?”

“Accept that they’re going to rape me and use me until I can’t…until I kill myself or I’m dead,” he told me slowly swaying back and forth allowing Mary to suck on his fingers.

“You think Da would let them kill you?” I asked because I seriously doubted Da would ever let anyone kill him.

“No,” John answered, “He’d just make me beg for them to do it and then laugh. He’s not nice enough to let them kill me. He’d rather drive me insane first.”

Well, that was already working. He seemed pretty insane to me. I mean I understood it but it was one thing to think and totally different to voice out loud.

“Drive you insane how?” I asked him.

He looked at me and rolled his eyes before he looked around like he expected someone to pop up out of nowhere before he whispered, “You know how many time I had to…,” he lifted both of his eyebrows twice at me, “yesterday? Five. My body is killing me. I can’t take another day like yesterday.

Five times? Was he kidding me? Da had raped him five fucking times yesterday? That did explain why he was gone so long between breakfast and dinner. At that point, it had only happened three times though. So, Da had done things to him two more times before he had fallen asleep. Could guys in their 30’s even get it up that much? All because he had agreed to sleep with Da. Probably to protect us, all of us. He couldn’t do this to himself. This was beyond stupid Matt was right about that.

“Five times?” I asked him and he nodded his head to confirm, “Oh no. John, no. Whatever deal you have made with him, it’s off.”

“No Will. It can’t be. If I even hint at a no lately he threatens to come to you. I’m not putting that on you. I’m not letting myself do that to you, you got it? No, absolutely not,” he said shaking his head vigorously his jaw set.

We had talked about this. Not doing this. He knew we couldn’t do that.

“You wouldn’t be doing anything to me. You would be saving yourself!” I told him, “I can take it. I’ll be all right. Don’t worry about me!”

“No, you can’t take it. I can’t take it. How do you expect yourself to take it? I barely made it through yesterday without swallowing a handful of pills,” he told me.

Now that really scared me. That terrified me. So, he was really thinking of killing himself. Of leaving us in this mess. He couldn’t…I sighed.

“And yet you won’t let anyone help you!” I nearly shouted, “You know how crazy that is? You know what Pat would say if he were here?”

John huffed looking down at the baby in his hands because he looked back up at me, “Yeah well, Pat’s busy with his own problems.”

We both heard the lift kick on John’s eyes going wide as my heart started pounding. This was bad this wasn’t…God James couldn’t deal with whatever this was right now. He was going to flip out in about 30 seconds and I knew it. And I still hadn’t told John what had happened. 

He looked around in a panic before putting Mary down in the playpen and grabbing Mac who was sitting on the floor playing with a bunch of blocks and doing the same before he looked around the room and grabbed Shay handing him to me while he looked around noticing the nursery door was open which meant Andy and Laura were probably out in the Livingroom.

“Grab Seamus put him in the play pin and shut the door. No one else is awake yet besides Andy and Laura, right?” he asked me barely above a whisper.

He had told me maybe ten minutes ago he had spoken to Matt the morning, what did he think he had just gone back to bed?

“James and Matt are awake,” I told him seeing his eyes go even wider if that was possible at the mention of Matt awake while Andy wasn’t being watched, “He won’t hurt James and he won’t hurt Andy with James there. I can bring them in here though.”  
He sighed standing up and touching his chest where his shirt would normally be like he was straightening it out, “I’m going to go meet him at the elevator,” he told me, “Maybe he’ll just take me where ever he wants and it’ll be quick.” His voice cracked again as he blinked hard several times his whole face contorting for a second before he licked his back molar.

He was trying so hard not cry him clenching his fist at his sides before he reached down rubbing mac’s head and I heard him mutter, “Fuck.” Probably to himself before he stood up and left shutting the door behind him.

He didn’t even give me a chance to say anything. He was that close to killing himself and he wasn’t even going to let me help him. At that moment I wanted to scream. I wanted to lose it me just getting up and going out into the hallway with just enough time to see Da’s hand on the back of John’s neck as he walked backwards into the lift forcing John to follow him. My heart sinking as the lift doors closed before I went out into the Livingroom.

I saw Matt sitting there holding Laura under one arm and Andy under the other as they watched TV and he watched…Andy. His eyes trained on him in a way that I was not ok with. Wondering where James was before I remembered I had told him he could stay in my room all day if he wanted. That I would go back and check on him shortly.

“Matt, can you come here please?” I asked him trying my best to stay as calm as possible.

“We’re fine,” he muttered not taking his eyes off Andy even though he knew very well that I was there.

“Now,” I said, “Not a request.”

He sighed rolling his eyes as he stood up. And there was the Matty I knew and was very familiar with him getting up and coming over to me folding his arms in front of himself. He was wearing PJ’s which I did notice were clean and new making me wonder what he had done or what was going on that he was allowed to have them back, “What?” he asked me in a whisper.

“I don’t want you touching him,” I said, “John told me what he saw. You don’t touch him. Not even to wipe his nose you understand?”

“I’m not going to hurt him. I told you I wouldn’t. Uncle Ben said I’m not allowed to touch…”

“Exactly!” I interrupted him, “You’re not allowed to touch him so don’t do it. Simple. Now I need your help today. You can go toast some pop tarts for everyone. That would be very helpful right now. If anyone needs to use the bathroom or needs to be changed or needs anything else that will be my job. Ok?”

“What about if they want to play with Lego’s or something?” he asked me.

“You can play Legos with them but keep your hands away from anything but their hands. I don’t want them in your lap, I don’t want any of them alone with you ok?” I told him.

“I said I’d be good ok?” Matt said frowning at me like his feelings were hurt, “I’m going to try really. I never meant to hurt Mike. I didn’t. I thought about what you said. What Julie and mum said and …if Mike doesn’t want to and he understands what’s going on than Andy probably really doesn’t want to. It would scare him. I don’t want to scare him I…I love him. Ok?”

“You’re going to have to earn my trust and for right now you can do that but toasting some pop tarts and when you do play with them keeping your hands away from anything but their hands ok?” I told him.

“Ok,” Matt said nodding his head in agreement before going off to the kitchen.

I didn’t know how well this was going to work considering I was supposed to see Lionel at some point today but for now it was a solution me going into the living room and checking on Laura and Andy.

“Hey guys,” I said to them, “Can you two come with me? We’re going to play a game in the bedroom called quite time.”

“No quit time,” Andy told me, “Boo cues.”

I looked at the TV. They were watching blue’s clues. I mean it was one of their favorite shows. Or at least it seemed like it. They were 2 almost 3 so it wasn’t like they had that great of an attention span. I sighed running a hand through my hair as I decided what to do figuring they could sit and behave for a minute or two while I went to check on James.

I walked briskly to my bedroom and nearly freaked out for a second before I saw him move. My dust ruffle for my bed moving letting me know that someone or something was hiding under it.

“Bud, come out, it’s me. You’re ok,” I told him.

“But…but…it…,” he muttered from under the bed.

“I know bud it’s ok though,” I told him, “It was Da and he’s gone now. Ok?”

“But…,” he muttered again.

I sighed getting on the floor by the side of my bed. This poor kid. He would probably shake and shudder for a month every time he heard the lift kick on which would be constantly. I couldn’t blame him for it. What uncle Ben had done to him was unforgivable. There was no reason that he had to subject James to that. None.

“Bud come out. It’s ok I’m right here,” I told him offering him my hand which he took me standing up and slowly pulling him out from under my bed.

He was shaking his whole-body trembling. It hurt my heart to see him like that pulling him into my arms, “It’s ok bud. It’s ok.”

“But he…he…he,” he tried before he broke down sobbing me rocking him slowly.

“I know bud,” I agreed, “I know. It’s ok to be scared. It’s ok.”

“What if Uncle Ben comes?” he whimpered into my arms.

“If he does come he’s not coming for you today ok? I’ll do everything I can to make sure of that,” I told him.

“I can’t…,” he started to mumble.

“It’s ok bud, take your time,” I told him trying to encourage him to finish his sentence.

“I can’t do that again Willy. I hated the way it felt,” he told me his whole body shaking.

“I know bud,” I said trying my best to comfort him, “I know.”

Just then Matt came around the door with Mike. Both of them frowning. I hadn’t told anyone about what had happened last night. How Uncle Ben had done that to James. I hadn’t had a chance to. Mike came over to us.

“Bud, what’s going on? Will?” Mike asked me.

“Last night was a bad night,” I told them simply.

“Oh bud,” Mike said hugging him even though he was still in my arms whispering something in Jay’s ear that I didn’t hear.

“I Uhhh…I toasted pop tarts,” Matt said, “I even broke some up for the babies so they could eat them.”

“Thanks, Matt,” I said, “Mike do you want to…?”

“Yeah, I’ll sit with him for a while,” Mike said nodding his head while he looked at James, “Come on bud let’s get back in the bed ok?”

With that, I left them sitting there on my bedroom floor. My heart broke for them but I wasn’t sure what more I could do then let him stay where he was shivering and crying while I made sure everyone else was safe from whatever Matt might do. He swore up and down he wouldn’t hurt them, that he didn’t want to but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t. Nine-year old’s aren’t known for their self-control and if he was having those types of thoughts the odds of him probably doing it if the chance presented itself was pretty good. So, I would rather be safe than sorry.

I felt beyond tired. Me just waiting to hear the lift kick back on. Waiting for Da to come back for me, come and get me. Most of that morning is a blur. I remember eating heated wild berry pop tarts and then wiping it off the faces of Andy and Laura and Mac.

I wasn’t just worried about Da coming back for me but what he was doing to John. How long John would be gone. He had been gone for most of the day yesterday being Da’s play toy, his sex slave and I was sure that was what he was dealing with that day as well me trying to go about things as calmly as possible. I put the babies down around noon for their nap right after lunch and went in to check on Mike and James who were sleeping soundly in my bed.

They looked peaceful Mike curled around James both in the fetal position as they slept. They looked the most at peace I had seen them since we had come back. I couldn’t stand the fact that Uncle Ben had done that to him, to me. Made me be there and watch him do that as James cried and sobbed. I was so beyond mad at the fact that there was nothing else I could do. That I had to watch him go through that and know what that felt like for him. How painful it was because of how confusing it was.

That’s why he was so scared because that was the only time his body did that was when they touched him like that and when you’re a kid that’s scary and confusing. Because even if you’re told your body is supposed to do that knowing it and hearing what it feels like described is a totally different experience from feeling it. An experience a six-year-old should not be having.

I sighed looking at them and must have sighted slightly louder than I meant to because James blinked up at me squeezing Mike around his center.

“Bud it’s ok,” Mike said rubbing Jay’s shoulder probably either half asleep or fully asleep because he didn’t open his eyes but James did looking at me.

“Is the bad man coming?” he asked me.

“Bud, you can’t call him that ok?” I told him, “Now that we’re back here you have…you have to call him the leader ok?”

“You’re not going to make me call him that right?” he asked me sitting up his eyes going wide in fear for a second before I shook my head vigorously.

“No,” I said exhaling deeply, “I think we should keep that between us and him ok?”

“And Uncle Ben?” he questioned.

“Yeah,” I said, “If he comes I’ll. I don’t know I’ll do something ok? I don’t want you having to deal with him. Does that make sense?”

He nodded his head, “I know you love me. I know you didn’t want…you didn’t want uncle Ben doing those things. I know you love me Willy and that you wouldn’t…you wouldn’t want…”

His whole body was shaking again Mike waking up and rubbing his shoulders, “Bud it’s ok. It’s ok none of want it. No one. When Uncle Ben did those things to me the other night I didn’t want it either. And you’re right Willy doesn’t want us to have to feel that because it makes you feel gross and he knows that and he doesn’t want us to feel gross like that.”

“That’s right,” I agreed, “I don’t and I’ll do whatever I can to try and keep him away from you.”

“He’s coming today though?” he asked me.

“How do you know that?” I asked him.

“Uncle Ben,” he said, “On the car ride home he said he was going to come see you remember? On Friday and it’s Friday.”

“I’ll worry about them ok? You guys just…Mike if you could help with the babies and make sure Matt doesn’t do anything that would be great. Because I don’t know how long until they come to get me.”

“I will. He won’t hurt them though,” Mike said kissing the top of James’ head before he got up and I laid down in the spot where he had been before hugging James.

“I don’t want you to go,” he told me, “You said if we were together we were safe. And you kept me safe. If I’m not there who will keep you safe?”

“I’ll be as safe as they let me,” I assured him, “I’ll come back bud. I promise. I’ll always do whatever I can to make sure I come back ok?”

“You promise? So, we can be together, right?” he asked me hugging me.

“Yeah, bud. Of course, so we can be together. But, sometimes after it happens I’m going to want to be alone you understand that, right?”

“Because they hurt you?” he asked me, “Like Da and the ba...the leader hurt me that one time?”

“Aye,” I answered nodding my head, “I think that …I’m scared, Jay.”

“You always tell me it’s ok to be scared,” he told me, “So it’s ok to be scared.”

At that, I smiled. It was true. I did always try to tell him it was ok. I just always thought of what Uncle Ben or Da would tell me if they had seen me crying and told him the opposite. If they had seen me crying like that after they were done they would have sneered at me. Telling me that it didn’t hurt that badly, that I was being dramatic. When it did hurt that bad. It hurt in so many ways that it hurt more than that bad. It hurt so bad that all the tears and screaming in the world couldn’t make you feel better so after a while you just ran out of tears.

I don’t know how long I stayed in there with him just looking at him but the lift eventually kicked on me checking the clock and seeing that it was almost 2:30. Time for the babies to wake up from their nap. I untangled James from me as his body started shaking, trembling.

“Bud, it’s ok. I’ll be back ok? I’m going to …I’ll take care of it. You just stay here,” I told him trying to assure him that everything would be ok as he nodded his head before burying his face into my pillows probably because he was crying or trying not to cry.

I stepped out shutting the bedroom door find Da walking down the hallway towards me. Now that to me was surprising I wasn’t expecting Da. John had been gone since 9:30 that morning and he didn’t appear to be with Da the idea of him not being there scaring me slightly. Me not wanting to leave them alone with Matt.

“Da?” I asked him quietly.

“Hey honey,” he said hugging me.

I remember being so numb that I just hugged him back not really thinking about it. Not letting myself be repulsed by it because I was sure that if I rejected him he would hurt someone else. That he would hurt Mike or James or Matt. And while I wasn’t fond of Matt I was starting to trust him again. He had been helpful so far that day.

“Where is John?” I asked him.

“Don’t worry about it,” Da told me.

“But who is going to wa…”

He cut off my words starting to massage my ass through my pants, “Don’t worry about it. I’ve got it covered. Come with me.”

I closed my eyes trying to breathe, trying to stay calm. I didn’t know if Lionel was there but I had an idea that he probably was. That didn’t explain Da being there though nor did it explain the fact that John was missing.

“Come on honey,” Da said letting me out of our embrace and taking my hand leading me numbly to the lift.

I remember my head feeling weird, my anxiety probably getting the better of me, helping me dissociate a little bit. Lionel had made it sound like he was really mad at me before when Uncle Ben had told him about my strawberry tasting skin. When he had hung up the phone the night before he hadn’t told me goodbye.

If he wasn’t there which I hoped he wasn’t it meant I was dealing with Da. Just Da. Da preferred John which meant he had hurt John. Hurt John so badly that he couldn’t keep using him at the moment and that scared me more than the idea of Lionel being there. How badly had Da hurt him? Where was he?

“What are you thinking about honey?” Da asked me as the lift dinged and opened on the third floor.

“Where is he Da?” I asked point blank, “Where is he? You took him downstairs earlier and now…”

“I’ll worry about where he is. That’s not your concern. Come on,” he said grabbing me hard by the forearm and dragging me down the hall before opening up the door to the biggest guest room.

This was the one with a balcony and yellow walls. Not the blue one that I had been in last night. The French doors to the balcony were open he was standing there his back to the room. He was looking out over the backyard for some reason.

The sun was high in the sky and it was hot out yet suddenly I felt so cold, the coldness almost shocking me out of my numbness. The fear climbing outward from my bones making me freeze. Da putting his hands on my shoulders and gently coaxing me forward.

“There’s someone here to see you, Lionel,” Da said in a sing-song voice causing him to turn around.

He smiled widely licking his lips at me before he came up to me, putting his hand on the back of my neck and shoving his tongue into my mouth before I could really protest causing me to whimper around his tongue as it explored my mouth and wiggle Da right behind me grabbing both of my arms and pinning them behind my back as he muttered encouragement in my ear telling me to be a “good boy” to “Just relax” like Da always did.

He kept kissing me, his tongue exploring even inch of the inside of my mouth as I squirmed Da squeezing my arms trying to get me to hold still to quit fighting them him only breaking the kiss when he was breathless smiling at me happily.

“Found some fight my little one?” he asked me, “It’s ok to like it rough, I like rough play sometimes.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. I remembered him saying that before he bit me. Or him asking me if I liked rough play and telling me that was ok. I wanted to hide. I didn’t want to be there at all. I wanted to beg my Da to let me go but, if I did they would just laugh at me. Probably tell me to beg louder or maybe get angry. Make it worse.

I felt Da let go of me Lionel’s hand still on my neck right above where my shirt collar was. He looked at me licking his lips again his eyes cold but the smile so wide it looked like if he tried to smile any wider his whole face would split in half.

“I’ve missed you little one,” he muttered starting to pet my neck under his hand, “Why don’t we show Daddy what you’ve learned. What I’ve taught you, what do you say?”

I still felt frozen his hand at my neck threatening intention. The intention of hurting me if I disobeyed. Of doing something that would punish everyone and not just me. If I got myself hurt it would be punishing everyone. Because I didn’t know what shape John was in. While Da had never hurt any of us bad enough to land us in the hospital the one-time John had been seriously injured had been while Da was there. The other time was because of Uncle Ben who had given him stomach problems. Serious stomach problems.

Before I could think of an answer he was picking me up and putting me on the bed, nearly ripping my shirt as he yanked it over my head, “Do you have underclothes on?” he asked me.

I hadn’t bothered to look for those the night before wishing that I had. That I wasn’t just wearing a simple t-shirt and part of sweatpants to keep my skin covered, to keep his skin from having direct contact with mine. Him kissing my collarbone hard, biting it slightly as his hands pushed hard into my hips, my “V” as Uncle Ben had called it.

His hands felt hard, rough, almost hurting as they pinched my skin me not sure what was going on, what I was supposed to do as I felt frozen. Him taking his weight away from my skin as he yanked off my pants not waiting for my answer to his question. Not even waiting for me to nod or shake my head.

“Good boy little one. You know what I like don’t you my sweet boy?” he asked me, “But what’s this?” he asked touching the bruise in the middle of my sternum. The bruise from uncle Ben.

“U…Uncle Ben,” I barely managed to mumble my whole face heating up as he got up and started loosening his tie as he looked at me.

“Ah, Benjamin. He does tend to get overexcited, sometimes doesn’t he?” Lionel smiled at me, “However that excitement does sometimes translate well.” 

“It can,” Da agreed as he started loosening his own tie and Lionel started working on his shirt me lying there my whole body rigid trying not to shake in fear as they undressed, “So you really think he’s ready to do promotions?”

“Yes,” Lionel said, “I mean you can judge for yourself but from what I heard and saw last night it would be very beneficial for the brotherhood.”

“But is he really the type?” Da asked.

“Well, he’s the youngest that would on the roster for promotional because of obvious reasons. But, he does have the look. Fair skin, blue eyes, blond hair. Promotions need more variety and upper levels look better. Other than these few bruises right now he’s basically in mint condition,” Lionel said.

“Ok well, we’ll see what happens. What type of promotional would you want him for?” Da asked undoing his belt as Lionel did the same to his own.

They were both getting undressed. And talking about me like I wasn’t there. I wasn’t sure what promotions were but they didn’t sound like something I personally wanted to be a part of. 

“Light domination and bondage would be one that I know many would be interested in. I was hoping to see if we could get him for reciprocation though. I think he could possibly do both,” Lionel answered before pulling his boxers down and sitting on the edge of the bed to take off his socks as Da did the same.

Now those words, I knew what that meant. That meant tying me up and probably spanking me, or biting me or other things. Like that toy Uncle Ben had used. That toy that had burned. Reciprocation meant accepting something, giving back. Touching back. That’s when it hit me.

They were talking about filming me, videotaping me doing things with them. Things that I didn’t want to do. Things I wasn’t ok doing with them let alone doing in front of a camera knowing that other people were going to see it. They both stood up coming to lay on either side of me on the bed.

“You’re beautiful honey you know that?” Da asked me grabbing my arm gently and forcing me to scoot towards him so that Lionel had more room to lay on my left side. Me not sure what was happening.

I’d experienced a threesome before. But that didn’t mean I wanted to. That didn’t mean I was ok with it. My whole body no longer able to hide my fear starting to tremble as I looked at my Da and felt Lionel breathing on the back of my neck forcing me to tense as his breath tickled my back.

“Like John, John’s sexy but you. You have your own beauty don’t you honey?” Da asked me touching my cheek, caressing it with his hand. I didn’t want to do whatever this was.

“He’s sexy in his own right,” Lionel said against my skin starting to kiss the back of my neck me feeling his hardness up against my lower back as his hand snaked around my left hip him touching me. Grabbing my penis and rubbing it.

I gasped despite my best efforts. It was always an intense tickling feeling when someone touched me there. It made it hard not to attempt to jerk away. Me finding my breath getting caught in my chest as Lionel sucked on the back of my neck the suction almost hurting my skin as Da looked into my eyes rubbing my cheek.

“You are beautiful Honey,” Da muttered to me, “I’m not sure you realize how beautiful you are.”

He slammed his lips against mine. Kissing me like Lionel had kissed me rough and hungry his arm crossing Lionel’s as he grabbed my left hip and started pinching and rubbing the skin there. Lionel sighing as his lips make a smacking sound him breaking contact with the skin the back of my neck.

I couldn’t see Lionel but I still remember getting the feeling that he was smiling Da breaking our kiss my body shivering so hard that my teeth were chattering as I tried to just breathe. Wondering why this was different. Why they had to do this together why they couldn’t just…

“You want to?” I heard Lionel ask him, “He is your son after all.”

“Of course,” Da told him, “You sure you don’t mind?”

“I would never get in the way of a father showing his son real love,” Lionel replied simply.

Da nodded his head before he licked the purple and yellowing spot on my chest that my Uncle had left me with his hands wrapping even more tightly around my body as Lionel pulled me slightly closer the feeling of my Da’s hands on my skin in-between my skin and Lionel’s as he ground against me Lionel letting out a moan of satisfaction as Da’s mouth started to travel lower, my heart starting to speed up as I bit my lips closed. 

I closed my eyes hoping it would help before Lionel muttered in my ear, “Show him our new trick little one. I bet it would help him. I bet he would love to hear you say it. Just like I love hearing you say it. He is after all really your daddy. Tell him you want it. Want him to suck your sweet little fruit until all your sweet creamy juice comes pouring out. Tell him.”

I didn’t want to say it. I didn’t want to Lionel’s grip tightening around my base as my Da’s mouth traveled to right below my belly button causing me to hiss in discomfort.

“Tell him and I won’t do it again. If not, I’ll make you wait until the very end. Make you beg for it. Scream, plead. Just say it. Tell your Daddy to suck your precious little fruit.”

“S…su…suck me D-da-daddy,” I managed his hand starting to loosen with the first s that escaped my lips.

“Really?” Da asked his eyes lighting up in surprise as he looked up at my face, “You really want me to honey?”

No. No, I didn’t really want him to Lionel squeezing me again as I went silent causing that tightness to change to an almost stinging pain.

“Suck me, daddy…mmmm,” I managed wanting to clamp my legs together.

Lionel’s hand was still around my base rubbing as he ground his pelvis up against my back and my Da’s hands. Da started to lick and suck on my tip. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate me trying to slow my breathing down, shutting my mouth and inhaling through my nose and then forgetting slow it down causing me to gasp and grunt as I tried to control my breathing. The tickling and coldness spreading up my body as Lionel let go of my penis so my Da could fully take over control his hand moving up my chest to my nipples where he started rubbing and playing with them.

“Why don’t you show your Da how good it feels?” Lionel coaxed me placing my left hand on the back of my Da’s head. 

“Mmm,” was all I managed me trying to shift my body weight away from my Da’s mouth but only finding that pushed Lionel more tightly against my back.

“It’s ok to want it little one,” Lionel told me, “It’s ok you’re doing so good.”

“mmm,” was the only response I could give before felt like I wasn’t getting enough air my face too hot, my body too hot. My toes starting to curl as my body responded to their touches.

“You’re doing so good little one, that’s it. Give your Daddy that sweet juice.”

I kept whining making the same sounds I had tried to ignore James making the night before with Uncle Ben only it was Lionel holding me down forcing me to cup my Da’s head as he blew me. Me desperately wanting them to stop, wanting Lionel to let me go.

I just wanted them to stop. I didn’t want Lionel grinding against me the feeling of him poking me getting harder and harder to ignore as I wiggled trying to get my Da’s mouth off me. Trying to get him to stop. Wanting desperately to beg him to stop but knowing I couldn’t.

“I think we can make this even more fun. What do you think little one?” I heard Lionel ask before I heard a sound like he was opening something.

“Da?” I questioned hoping that maybe my Da would stop him and whatever he was about to do. 

The only time Da had ever done anything with me with another person had been when he and my uncle had raped me together. I figured that was different though and it had felt different this felt weird. Like Da was taking directions. Was looking at Lionel for permission him shifting his weight so that his arms were around my waist putting each one a little lower and holding my body open as continued to suck and lick.

That’s when I felt it. Not his fingers but his tongue, his tongue going there.

“Daddy,” I begged, “Daddy please.”

I wanted him to make Lionel stop. I hated the way that felt especially coming from both sides it was too much. It tingled too much my whole body tensing under the feeling, my toes curling as my calves locked cramping. Me letting out a wordless screech as my body gave over to them giving them what they were asking it for. What they were trying to coax from me Da making a snorting sound as my stuff must have hit his tongue him sucking more vigorously causing it to burn as my legs from the tips of my toes up to my thighs cramped in protest. Before Da let me go.

Letting me fall out of his mouth and nipping lightly at the skin between my belly button and base just licking and playing with the skin on my pelvis with his teeth as I hiccupped and gasped trying to stop my tears, trying to stop my crying.

After a minute he stopped and looked over behind me like he was watching Lionel who was still…his tongue was still very much sending shock waves through my system, him speaking to Lionel after a minute, “I had no idea, Lionel.”

Lionel made a sound of acknowledgment before he stopped pulling his mouth and tongue away. My body instantly finally relaxing in the way I had wanted it to when Da stopped the tingling starting to lessen under my skin.

“It’s not an activity I prefer to let everyone know I engage in. Only a select few know,” Lionel told him.

“Why?” Da asked, “It’s a normal part of loving your son, enjoying all of the flavors his body has to offer most people just usually…”

“Clean? Exactly, it’s considered a bit taboo even in our community, however, I find I prefer the tastes. The natural taste of a boy even though many find the very idea appalling. I mean would you eat dirty pussy?”

“I can’t say I would,” Da said, “So you’re saying it’s a similar…idea?” Da asked.

“Well we do call them boy pussy’s so yes,” Lionel said, “Are you disgusted?”

“Not at all. Lionel, you might be my boss but you’re my friend. I wouldn’t enjoy one of my boys with just anyone. I hope you realize that. Why do you think there are certain things I don’t engage in when I host parties? It’s because I simply find the idea of sharing moments like this, intimate moments to be just that intimate. I wouldn’t do this with Hank or Arthur. You and Ben are the only two people I would think of doing this with, this closely.” Da told him.

“That means a lot to me,” Lionel told him, “I’ve always wanted to…never mind.”

“You can tell me. I won’t tell anyone about what goes on here,” da told him.

“Well obviously he’s your son so you don’t have to engage in safe play and he’s my contract so I don’t. So, I was wondering if you wanted to pleasure him to release while I use some oral skills?” Lionel asked.

I didn’t understand what he meant but Da must have because he sat up frowning at him, “I’ve honestly never thought about doing that with anyone. If you’re asking what I think you’re asking. I thought you weren’t…”

“It would be purely for his benefit not for ours,” Lionel said his hand traveling up and down my hip in a lazy line making me shiver, “This is about them learning after all. Learning how to be loved, how to enjoy a man’s love. Sometimes that involves different experiences and I think it would be a good one for him to have. So, don’t think of it as something we’re doing together but more something we’re doing for him. What do you think?”

“It sounds like a good idea,” Da said nodding his head before he shifted his weight, “And I won’t have to use as much lube because you’ve decently…”

“Lubricated him? Yes, I’d say so,” Lionel said.

“Let’s do it,” Da said nodding his head Lionel sitting up too.

What did that mean? Let’s do it? Let’s do what? What were they…

Da grabbed my elbow pulling me forward, “Lay on your tummy honey.”

“Da?” I asked him.

“Just relax little one,” Lionel cooed pushing me forward so I was laying on my stomach, “put your weight on your knees.”

I wasn’t sure what else to do. It felt like everything was moving too fast my body still feeling sick, shaky and weak as they forced me to lay on my stomach with my knees under me lifting my back end slightly my face burning with shame as I felt Lionel licking and sucking again me finding it almost impossible to keep breathing as he started working his fingers into the equation.

My body was tired and covered in sweat. Me just wanting him to stop which he did after he was two fingers deep into me pulling away before I felt Da’s hand on my hip felt him pushing up against my hole, his bare skin breaching me, pushing into me making me make a sound somewhere between a grunt and a moan as the feeling hit me.

“It’s ok honey, I just want to make you feel good,” he told me, “Oh god yes, you want it don’t you honey? You want my cock? You love my cock don’t you honey?”

I couldn’t speak, I wanted him to stop. I didn’t want his cock. I wanted him to leave me alone. I wanted him to leave my brothers and sisters alone. I wanted all of this to stop. Forever. I never wanted to be here.

“My little cock slut, you want Daddy’s cock, don’t you? Don’t you?” he asked as he rammed into me hard.

“Tell Daddy what you want little one,” Lionel encouraged me, “Tell him.”

“Fuck me, Daddy,” I moaned.

“Tell me you want my cock like the little cock slut you are,” Da hissed at me pushing harder, ramming into me faster almost making me cry out but stealing my breath halfway through my inhale.

“I …I want…I want you…your cock,” I barely managed my whole-body shuddering and protesting the speed of his movement. Him not even trying to hit my prostate but just going, not even worrying about what he was doing to me. If he was hurting me or not but just going.

“Connor,” Lionel said somewhere behind me, “Connor, come on. This isn’t John he’s more…slow down.”

Da stopped stilled inside me for a minute before slowing down, the movement making the hair the back of my neck prickle as he hit something Lionel leaning over beside me, “That feels better doesn’t it little one? Tell your Daddy. Tell him you want it.”

“I want your cock daddy, I want you to fuck me,” I said hoping one of those two would be the right one that would satisfy them.

“You feel so good honey, how are you so good at this?” Da asked me and then I felt it. It felt weird it was too much.

I moaned as I felt Lionel’s tongue doing what he always did with it my back arching as the slight tickle started to turn into this feeling that was too much. Too much simulation like someone shaking a bottle of soda all the bubbles rushing to the top of the bottle only that bottle was my spine and the bubbles was the feeling rushing beneath my skin and up and down my spine. The feeling of Da brushing against my prostate while Lionel licked and sucked at the outside too much making me want to scream my body tensing.

“Oh, shit yes,” Da moaned, “Tell me what you want honey, tell me what you want my little cock slut.”

“I want your cock,” I gasped my voice breaking as I said it because I hated myself for it. Hated myself for saying it because it was what they wanted to hear. I didn’t want to be a slut. I didn’t want to be what they were making me be.

“What do you want me to do with this cock, you want me to fuck you?”

“Yes Daddy,” I said as I started sobbing, “Fuck me, daddy, fuck me.”

At that, I lost my ability to speak them doing what it was they wanted. Da finishing inside of me before pulling out and walking off somewhere as Lionel mounted me.

“Alone at last huh little one?” he whispered into the side of my neck before he started biting it sliding into me. The feeling of being full again after being empty for a few seconds making me hiss in pain, “It’s ok little one. I’ll make you feel good, find that special button. I’ll do it even better than your real daddy. Don’t tell him I said that. Tell me what you want.”

“Your cock,” I mumbled almost on autopilot.

“Where do you want it? Do you want it in…” he thrust forward hitting up against my prostate with just the right amount of pressure my whole-body shuddering, “side you? You want me to cum inside you?”

“Yes,” I barely managed.

“My good boy,” Lionel whispered wrapping his arms around my hips taking me in his hands before he moved, pushing me up onto my knees and taking my hands hooking them to the top of the headboard giving me something to hold onto as my back arched and he jacked me off while he thrust into me causing me to moan and whimper even as I attempted to stay quiet.

“That’s your special button isn’t it baby? You want me to make you come? Tell me what you want,” he muttered kissing my neck and shoulder, slobbering on my skin.

“I want to cum,” I managed my brain only half catching what I was saying me being more like a parrot than anything at that point, just repeating what they were telling me to say. Hoping that if I did it would satisfy them. That they would just stop and go away, that they would leave me alone.

“You want me to make you cum? Say Daddy make me cum, say it, baby,” he muttered.

“Daddy make me…make me cum, please,” I said, “please make me cum. Let me cum.”

“Oh, will baby, oh my special boy, such a special boy pussy with your sweet swollen…” I felt myself explode into his hand my whole-body shuddering as I lost control of it, as I let go, “boy fruit.”

I nearly fell forward leaning the top of my head against the headboard to keep myself from falling forward completely from collapsing under his weight on top of my own as he thrust a couple more times before stilling the feeling of his mess mixing with my Da’s inside me making me want to vomit. Making me feel like I was going to be physically ill.

My body felt so tired, so broken. I just wanted him to stop. Wanted it all to stop as I heard the bathroom door open.

“I see you kept going. He’s good, isn’t he?” I heard Da ask Lionel.

“You are, you’re perfect,” Lionel whispered in my ear before kissing the back of my earlobe, “He’s wonderful.” He told my Da.

“He’s not as good as John in my opinion but he does fit like a glove,” Da commented, “You want me to leave? I should go downstairs and check on my oldest. Swartzman stopped by earlier and we …we had a little bit of fun.”

“I see. Hopefully not too much fun,” Lionel said.

“He’ll be worn out for a day or two but he’ll recover. I know how you are about quality,” Da told him.

“Good as long as you understand that even though he’s your son he doesn’t just belong to you,” Lionel told him rubbing my hips and my butt.

He still hadn’t pulled out. Him leaning up against my back and running his hands up and down my body even though they were covered in my own mess. Leaning his weight into me making my whole upper body shake with the effort of trying to stay upright with the help of the headboard my knees wanting to buckle under us.

“I do understand how important they are yes Lionel, you don’t need to remind me. I realize you have big plans for all of them. I do think he’s ready for promotions for sure,” Da agreed with him, “However what about tutorials?”

“That …is a good idea,” Lionel said, “I wasn’t sure I wanted him to be a tutorial boy but, he would do nicely. What do you think baby? Do you think you could do tutorial work?” he said pushing himself deeper into me even though he wasn’t really hard anymore.

“MMM,” I moaned loudly as my insides complained.

Usually, your guts can only take so much friction before it starts to feel painful. Before your bowel starts rebelling and apparently having anal sex with two men that were six inches or more didn’t agree with my body. My 11-year-old body that was tired and shaky and over exhausted. My body that had just been licked and then raped by two grown men. My knees giving out under me causing me to harden my grip on the top of my headboard having it cut into my hands slightly.

“Let go little one,” Lionel said pulling out of me and grabbing my hands forcing me to let go of the headboard, “Let go its ok baby.”

It wasn’t ok. I was pretty sure he wasn’t done. I could feel Da’s eyes on us, watching us.

“Everything all right Lionel? I should go check on the other one,” Da told him his voice almost sounding apathetic.

It was like he didn’t care. He didn’t care that I was in pain he just wanted to go check on John. He didn’t care that he was leaving me with the one person I hated more than him. He didn’t care that he had called me a slut. That he had called me…well, that. He didn’t care what any of it did to me. All he cared about was getting back to John. Checking on John as he left me there for Lionel to…

“AHH!” I moaned as Lionel flipped me over so that I was laying on my back pushing my knees up into my shoulders as he started licking there again.

” Daddy L,” I managed before I started whimpering like a kicked dog again my body already giving over to him. He grabbed my hips hard, forcing my back to arch again my ass feeling sticky all the way deep inside to somewhere I couldn’t explain him snorting and snarling as he licked and sucked.

For some reason, it felt even worse this time. Him bringing my body right to the edge before he started manipulating me with his hands turning me into a whining mess. Him not stopping until I had sobbed and whimpered myself horse. Until every muscle in my body had contracted and expanded so many times everything from my shoulders down felt numb and I was unable to catch my breath.

“It’s ok little one,” he said sitting up pulling me into his chest, “I know that was a lot. Especially after being gone for so long but you did so well. You did everything so well baby. Just calm down. Everything is going to be ok. Everything will be fine. Everything’s all right little one.”

I still felt like I couldn’t breathe having him against my skin his breath smelling like literal ass, my ass as he kissed my neck and chest. The longer I laid there with him the weirder I felt. Something felt…

“Little one?” Lionel asked me loudly, “Little one, are you having trouble breathing?”

I just wanted to sleep. I remember feeling that feeling so fucking tired. I didn’t even care anymore I was that tired. Me closing my eyes just wanting him to leave me alone.


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will wakes up finding out that he fainted, something that John usually does. Just when he thinks his ordeal is over for the night things resume before he is finally allowed freedom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 849 to 868 **Warnings: rape/non-con, forced kissing, forced oral, forced anal, forced orgasm, threats, unprotected rape, talk of child porn, talk of child sexual abuse** Not a super long chapter mostly rape though. **Takes place during John pt2 Chapter 3**

Next thing I remember I felt something on my face me sitting up.

“WOAH!” I heard a familiar voice, “Nice and slow for me William ok?”

“What…?” I asked trying to get the thing off my face finding it was a mask something holding it despite me trying to get it off.

“No, no, you need this right now, lay back,” Dr. Palmer told me as I felt someone grabbing my hands.

“It’s ok little one,” Lionel said grabbing my hands, “Let Dr. Palmer do his job. Can you sedate him now?”

“Lionel, I honestly just think he’s confused he fainted. He’s not…,” Dr. Palmer started trying to explain to him.

“Why though? Why?” Lionel interrupted, “He’s never fainted before. Can you tell me at the very least why he fainted?”

“Because he was breathing too fast for too long his body got tired and lost too much carbon dioxide so he started suffering from what we call respiratory depression it means he wasn’t breathing enough. That’s why you called me because his lips were turning blue because he wasn’t breathing enough correct?” Dr. Palmer asked him.

“Yes but…,” 

“Over simulation Lionel, you know this. You’ve seen it happen before. Maybe you didn’t mean for it to happen but it did so you need to let him relax and he needs to keep the oxygen up. So, he needs to lay here and leave the mask on. Why don’t you go and tell Connor that he’s fine and allow me to take care of him? All right?” Dr. Palmer.

“Ok but you aren’t allowed to touch him in an intimate way understand doctor?” Lionel asked him.

“Right now, I am seeing him in a purely medical context. There will be none of that. In fact, the reason why this happened was because of that type of activity in the first place so go tell Connor he’s fine,” Dr. Palmer repeated.

“Ok. I’ll be back ok my little one?” Lionel asked to which I numbly nodded my head still not completely sure what was going on as he got up grabbing his shirt and putting it on before he shut the door behind him.

When did he get dressed? Last time he was…

“What happened?” I asked.

“No, don’t speak,” Vic warned me, “You hyperventilated until your body got so tired you couldn’t breathe anymore. Until you almost stopped breathing which caused your lips to turn blue. So, he called me. That’s why I’m here and why you’re wearing an oxygen mask you just need to lay back and relax. I can’t say I’m happy to see you like this, either of you but, here I am.”

“Neither of us?” I asked him every second with Lionel gone making me feel more relaxed, more able to breathe.

“You and John,” he answered, “John is downstairs right now with your Da. He’s… your Da and Leo got overexcited. Like him and Lionel. Your Da is on a roll today when it comes to providing me with house calls. Let’s just put it that way. However, you seem to be in better condition. Even though you have a bit of anal tearing. Did you know?”

“That’s what the burning yesterday was?” I asked him to which he smiled sadly and nodded his head.

“It’s a part of being a bottom it happens sometimes. I’ll give you a stool soften and order them to give you break in that department. Since I doubt Lionel would let you off with more than that. He’s pissed at you. Probably part of the reason why he didn’t realize you weren’t breathing until you fainted.” Dr. Palmer told me.

“Well thanks,” I said, “I realize he’s angry with me. You know what he let Uncle Ben do to James? Speaking of I have to…”

I went to stand up only to find my whole body felt like it was asleep from the waist down. As I put weight on my legs Dr. Palmer catching me and pulling me back onto the bed.

“You’re staying right here for now,” he said handing me back the oxygen mask, “I’ll go upstairs and check on him shortly. Do you want to talk about what happened? Why he’s angry with you?”

“When we were gone I thought we weren’t coming back or hoped we weren’t coming back and I did something stupid ok? I had sex. With someone that I cared about and the last time was right before they came. Right before he sent them to come and get us ok? Uncle Ben could tell and he told Lionel.”

“May I ask who this person was and how they…,” his eyes went wide him nodding his head in understanding, “I thought you weren’t in a hurry to figure that one out?”

I shrugged my shoulders feeling my face heat up, “I thought I loved him?” 

“You thought? You thought you loved him? How old was this guy Will?” Dr. Palmer asked.

“Why does it matter?” I asked him.

“Well if you were open when your Uncle found you it’s going to give them a slight idea that maybe he was older than 11. Do they know how old he was?” he asked me.

“They think he was like 13. I didn’t bother to correct them,” I told him.

“Don’t,” he said, “And don’t tell me any more about it but I’m going to let you in on something. If someone older is attracted to you it’s probably a good indication that they’re not the type of person you need to be around because they are dangerous ok? Most people gay or not do not want to date 11-year-old boys. You understand what I’m saying?”

“I never thought about it like that,” I admitted.

“Well next time I’m sure you will,” Dr. Palmer said before clearing his throat, “You want to tell me anything? Like maybe what happened that you quit breathing?”

“Overstimulation,” I answered quoting him.

He sighed heavily looking at me, “Last time I saw you, you had just experienced a very severe panic attack. You had asked me to kill you. And you want to know what I think a part of the reason you did that was? This, this right here. Pretending you are fine when you’re not. So, don’t play this game. Don’t do this to yourself again,” he told me.

“What you want me to tell you what he was doing Vic? You remember what you told me? You know what he was doing, what they were doing,” I said feeling like I was about to start screaming, dropping the formalities as I looked at him.

“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “Ok. Just don’t pretend it didn’t happen or that it’s ok. That won’t help you especially now.”

“I’m not…” I sighed, “I’m not pretending it didn’t happen. I’m worried about my siblings that I have to go take care of. It would be easier to do that if I could feel anything below the scratches on my hips though.”

“Scratches?” he asked me, “I don’t…can I check them?”

“You checked my asshole and not my hips?” I asked him snorting in anger, “Just go.”

“Will don’t do this. He, they called me to take care of you,” he told me.

“Yeah because they don’t want me dead. Because they are so fucking sick and nasty they won’t even give us that unless they say we can have it!” I spat, “So leave me alone. If you’re not going to get us out of this then just leave us alone!”

“I’ll do what I can but each time it gets harder. Rosalina told your mom her best options and she turned them down past a certain point. They did what they could and so did I. And they don’t…”

“No, they don’t know. You’re fine. What you worried because I’m his hole, his current slut that I’m going to tell him everything? Like I want to be here? Like that’s what I want?” I asked him.

“I don’t think that’s what you want. I was just making sure. Can I give you a heads up?”

“What about the promotions or the tutorials? I’ve been informed,” I told him.

“You know what those are?” he asked me.

“I can guess. It’s them doing things to me. Like they…,” at this I couldn’t hold my anger anymore. I couldn’t do anything my whole body just felt like it was beyond tired my mind so close to breaking I started sobbing.

“Ok, there you go,” Vic said, “Let it out.”

I screamed. I was so tired. I was so tired of being scared and of waiting and now the waiting was over at least until next time. I couldn’t fight all my anxiety anymore. All my pain. The relief pushing me harder, causing me to sob harder as I finally released some of the stress that had been building inside, that had reached boiling point pushing me over the edge.

“There you go, let it out,” he told me, “I know it’s stressful and it’s not fair. I wish there was some other way to help you kiddo, I do.”

I did too. I was tired of feeling alone. Of wanting Beau because he was the one person I felt I could tell everything to without having him freak out on me. Even with Julie, you could see it in her eyes that it worried her when I told her something. When I had told her about Lionel she had gotten worried. Asked me about him. I couldn’t even talk about him. Not at first.

Then she had brought mum in and I had told mum everything. She had held me and kissed me as I cried and as she kept swearing up and down she was sorry. That she was sorry she hadn’t known. Hadn’t seen it. That she had been tricked by him.  
Well, almost everything. I had a hard time talking about the things he liked to do. Those things were hard for me to talk about because it was my body he was doing them to. It was embarrassing that he did those things and that my body responded. It’s a very intense sensation receiving oral and being rimmed. Your ass has a lot of nerve endings for obvious reasons like to make sure you don’t strain too hard or to let you know when you’ve injured yourself. So, it’s a very strong feeling to get your sphincter licked. 

“What do I do?” I asked him.

“Well, I’m going to tell him that you have tear so penetration needs to be avoided for at least four weeks. That doesn’t help with the other stuff though. Are you sure you understand what promotions and tutorials are though?” he asked me.

“I know a tutorial is showing someone how to do something,” I answered, “And a promotion is like an ad kind of.”

“Most promotions are videos of them engaging in sex acts. With bottoms. Usually between the ages of 13 and 16. For promotions, I mean brotherhood members get to see videos of all ages. And it’s…they try to make it look consensual. Lionel, I’m sure you’ve noticed uses and makes you use very particular language in the bedroom. That’s because promotions are…made to look like your receptive. It tends to appeal to more people that way. Most of them are between 5 and 20 minutes long because it’s like a preview of what materials you get access to if you become a website member….”

I interrupted him, “Website member?”

“The Brotherhood as a website. People pay money to join it and get access to materials and they pay a lot of money. Most of them pay around 100 dollars a month. That only gets them limited access but not everyone can afford to pay more.

Limited access means they see only consensual looking content with ages 11 and up. 300 a month lowers it down to I think it’s 8-year old’s. And then 500 lowers it down to less than a year along with bondage content. If they want access to anything else they pay almost 5,000 and that’s just for non-brotherhood content if they want a membership interview and induction it’s 10,000 dollars until their membership goes through and that can take up to a year. Then they have full access with the chance of meeting bottoms and…attending parties. Once they get to that point if they want access to the website still they pay 1000 a year again unless they agree to have their bottom make content and then it’s a 10% discount for every video their bottom does whether that’s a male or female.”

I balked at that. Female that meant…that meant they did this to girls too? That my little sisters could be …?

“Will breathe,” Dr. Palmer told me, “Your Dad is paying a very high premium to keep some of your siblings out of circulation not to mention other things. Did you think it was just boys?”

“I don’t know someone said something about girls too once but I just…I don’t know,” I answered him.

“Well, there are girl bottoms. There are three branches of the brotherhood, you know their other name, right?” he asked me.

“Fathers for Child Love,” I answered.

“The FFCL that’s right,” Vic said nodding his head, “One is both boys and girls, sons and daughters, one is just daughters and the other is just sons. Your Dad pays a premium which means he’s paying to exclude his daughters from circulation that means only he’s allowed to teach or touch your sisters. So, there’s that. I’m not sure how much of this you know but that’s the way it works ok? Do you know anything about tutorials? They tend to be a bit more uncomfortable.”

I had no idea what he meant but I figured I should let him keep talking because it looked like that was going to be taking place in my future so I stayed silent.

“A tutorial there is a lot of talking. The handler does a lot of direct talking to the camera and it covers different things. Tutorials can be done for any age because child bodies make sex different than fully developed bodies. So, with certain things, you must be more careful and a lot of people when they are first starting to molest children don’t know how to be careful. If you’re not careful you get caught so they are videos instructing people in how to not hurt a kid when they engage in sexual activity with them. Tutorials usually cover anywhere from infants a couple weeks old to kids up to 15 because after that their bodies are more adult.”

“So, he’s going to…use me to make instructional videos?” I asked Vic.

“In a matter of speaking, yes,” Vic said, “Most of the talking will be done from the handler to the camera you might be asked how something feels occasionally and you’ll be expected to answer. Some of them are different. Some are about penetration, some about oral, bondage, BDSM, toy stimulation, some is about what they call same age play which means doing things with boys your own age. It tends to…some is…”

“Cole told me about some of that. I didn’t know that would be filmed though,” I told him thinking of what Cole and Ted had said.

How they were forced to do things to each other. How Cole was forced to do things to Ted even though he didn’t want to. He was going to make me do that to some poor kid. On video. For everyone to see? I didn’t like that idea. I felt like I was drowning in it.

“Will, it’s ok. If it happens no one would blame you. You’re just a kid and anyone knows that there is no possible way for you to…”

“It’s not that,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t want to be…no one has ever said anything about cameras.”

“Lionel likes cameras. However, if you did do tutorials it wouldn’t be with Lionel unless it was very specific. He hardly ever gets on camera. And sometimes you won’t know the camera is there. There is only one real way to tell if a camera is present sometimes if they cover their faces. Sometimes they’ll wear weird masks like Halloween masks or half masks. I’ve seen them use ski masks and pantyhose but if they do something to conceal their face that’s usually a good indication that they are filming even if you can’t see the camera,” Vic told me.

“They used one last night,” I told him, “With me and James. I didn’t know there was one until…Lionel, he told me to walk over to…” it got hard to speak.

I hated talking about it. It felt wrong to talk about it. James was my little brother. It was hard to talk about what I had done. Holding his hands while he screamed. Watched and listened to him cry as Uncle Ben violated him and told him it was ok. That he was doing good because I hadn’t felt like I had another choice. That if I didn’t he would be hurt. Hurt worse than Uncle Ben had been hurting him at the time.

“He has a new camera feed. It’s private. No one saw but him. Walk over to where?” Vic said I think in order to assure me that while it had been taped it was private.

“Uncle Ben. We were kind of in a corner I was rocking him, James to keep him calm and Uncle Ben called Lionel on a speakerphone. He told me to walk over to him, to go to him and hug him. That’s when I…when I realized he could see me, see us.” I answered.

“That must have been a bit jarring,” Dr. Palmer said.

That was an understatement. It had beyond upset me. The idea that he could just see what was happening and then direct it. Like Uncle Ben was some sort of puppet doing what he was told that had bothered me. It made me wonder how often he had done that, seen what Da or Uncle Ben was doing to me and I hadn’t known it at all. It made me wonder how many times in the past he had watched me, or filmed me and I hadn’t known.

“The odds of you being filmed anywhere but the Villa are slim. He might have been able to see you but that doesn’t mean it will be shared beyond Lionel and your Uncle. I truly doubt it and like I said before Lionel is very private about certain things. I’m sure you know what I mean.”

“Why does he do that?” I found the courage to ask, “I hate it. I really really hate it, Vic. So why does he…?”

“It’s a fetish,” he answered, “Most people won’t do that type of stuff unless it’s clean but Lionel really enjoys it natural.”

By then I had an idea that a fetish was something a person really liked doing sexually. Something that got a person aroused. It did explain why he had gotten so excited when I had admitted I hadn’t cleaned or showered after having a bowel movement once or twice. The idea of it making me feel sick. So that was a fetish? I remember thinking.

“He’s not as bad as some people but it’s not a common one. He’s not into scat play just the taste of…,” Vic cleared his throat, “Anyway it’s considered unclean or unusual so like I said before he doesn’t like people knowing especially when he promotes safe play because it keeps down the amount of STI’s I treat. You know what those are?”

“I read a sex ed book after my Da raped me for the first time. I know what a sexually transmitted infection is, yes. Chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, herpes, HPV, HIV those you mean?” I asked him.

“Yes, it would be those. There’s also several different parasites and other bacteria that are contagious in several different ways that can cause issues. Male on male contact carries the risk of spreading different stomach ailments as you might remember hearing about from your marking. Which is always a fun one to treat as well. That’s what John got taken down with. We’re not sure if he got that from someone at the party or your uncle Because I tested several stool samples and at least three different people tested positive. However, your Uncle knows better than to not change condoms. So, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t him. But anyway, Lionel and the brotherhood are very big on safe play.”

“What about when they don’t use any?” I asked him wanting to cry just thinking about it. How sticky my body still felt. Me wanting to shower.

“That is…they call that natural play. If he wants you for natural play tutorials then he or your Da will be…”

“Is there any way he…to get him to you know?” I barely managed.

“No that’s apart of having a contract,” Vic told me.

“I want to shower,” I told him, “Can I g…go shower?”

“He’s still here so I’m going to have to ask him that or you are. He’s the one in charge you understand that?” he asked me, “I’ll tell him about your tearing though.”

There was a knock on the door making me jump Vic putting a finger to his lips as he looked over, “Come in,” he said.

It was him my body going stiff, “So how is he doing?”

“No anal stimulation of any kind for the next four weeks. I’m serious he has some tearing. I don’t know if it’s from you guys or from his uncle but it’s there and it will be irritating, so he needs time to let it heal,” Dr. Palmer told him.

“Is that why you were so…you seemed so upset? Because it hurt?” Lionel asked addressing me.

I felt my face glowing red as I wrapped my arms around my body pulling the blanket up to my chest. I wanted him to leave. I didn’t know how to say that to him though. I hated being naked and having him stare at me like that. Especially in front of other people, in front of Vic. Me nodding my head slowly closing my eyes.

“Oh, little one, you should have said something,” he told me as Vic moved allowing him to sit down, “I would have paid more attention to other parts if that was the case. Because while I do enjoy the tastes of …” he leaned in whispering the words in my ear, “your sweet boy pussy. I do like that sweet little fruit too.”

I felt like my whole body was burning. I didn’t want him talking to me like that. I hated being near him. I hated him. I hated what he had made me do, how he had made me feel and I hated what…what he was going to make me do.

“Please? Please Lionel,” I begged him as he leaned into me grabbing my wrists and holding them down into my lap as he started making me lay back down.

“Daddy L little one,” he cooed.

“Dr. Palmer,” I begged.

“I’m going to go for obvious reasons,” Dr. Palmer said avoiding looking at us, “Just no anal stimulation.” He said before he shut the door.

Lionel chuckled lightly, “Don’t mind him, he’s private about his lessons. He doesn’t like partaking in group activities.”

His face went serious his eyes soft as he looked at me. Looked at me like Uncle Ben looked at me. Like he wanted me. Like he wanted something from me I couldn’t give him, his grip loosening on me allowing me to sit back up before his hand went to my face rubbing my cheek making me freeze.

“You’re so beautiful you know that little one? My William,” he cooed, “How are you so beautiful?”

I felt myself blushing as I shrugged my shoulders not able to look at him instead looking down at my lap where the blanket was still covering me. I didn’t think I was beautiful and I hated the word. It stung. Beau had never called me that, or sexy, or cute. He had called me adorable and handsome but never those words. Those words felt like being punched every time one of them said it. Like I was being denied my maleness because they refused to view me as equal to them. Instead, they viewed me as something or someone to use, as almost female and it hurt.

“I wish you weren’t growing up,” he told me his eyes still boring into me, “I wished you hadn’t left so we wouldn’t have to rush this, us. I would have liked so much more time with you.”

He leaned in kissing my cheek and trailing down the side of my face to my neck. I didn’t like the way he felt. Slimy. His spit smelling horrible as he coated the side of my face and shoulder with it, sucking and nibbling at the skin as he climbed on top of me pinning my arms in-between us my hands against his chest. Against the ribbed fabric of his undershirt.

I always felt so small under him. Under all of them. It was always worse with him though. It was something about the way he spoke, the way he made me feel. It was very similar to Da. He pulled his face away from my neck looking at me and sighing as he touched his nose to mine closing his eyes.

“William, you look like you’re in pain,” he told me, “What’s going on?”

“I…I don’t know,” I said.

“No little one,” he sighed running his hands through my hair, “I think you have an idea. Can you tell me what’s bothering you? You know I value honesty.”

“It’s just…,” I tried again taking a deep breath, “I’m tired and its just John and Da and Ben and me. I…I’m afraid Ben’s going to…they’re too little.”

“Ah,” Lionel said nodding his head in understanding, “I don’t believe your father nor Uncle have any plans for that. You’re right they are much too young to take full penetration but can be trained to take a little bit. It’s usually easier if you start as young as possible. But, that’s beside the point they are your father’s children, not yours. There is nothing wrong with him expressing his love for them. You should know that.”

I sighed giving up. Figuring it wasn’t something he understood because he didn’t have siblings and he wasn’t a big brother. He was a handler. If he had ever been those things he had forgotten what it was like. Forgotten what it was like to not want someone doing those things to your siblings. To the people, you cared about more than anything.

“Quit worrying little one,” he said rubbing my shoulders, “It makes your face look so much older.” 

He forced his tongue into my mouth, making it hard for me to breathe. I didn’t like making out with them. I hated it. Uncle Ben wasn’t as into the making out as Lionel and Da usually even less so. Da used it more as a form of domination and humiliation I think than anything else. Hence why he enjoyed grabbing you in the middle of the hallway and shoving his tongue into your mouth where someone else could possibly see. Lionel though, I always got the feeling he really enjoyed the act of it. That it did something for him. Aroused him.

He broke contact with my mouth only when my chest started heaving his kisses moving back to my shoulder and collarbone. I honestly hated it but trying to push him away would have been very bad. It was something I knew would not go over well in any circumstances so I tried my best to relax and accept it.

That is a lot harder to do than it sounds especially when you’re 11 and being forced to make out with a 60 something-year-old man that you have absolutely no interest in. Even harder when you're beyond pants-shittingly terrified of making him angry. Me trying to stay calm as he sucked and bit my neck and I tried not to make any sound hoping he would get bored and stop.

“Do you need more?” he asked me suddenly smiling at me before he started kissing down my chest.

God no. Stop just stop. Don’t do it, please just stop. I remember thinking that as his mouth started going lower and lower as he started sucking on my belly button before he stopped looking up at me and smiling, I didn’t like the look on his face. There was something off about it.

“One-second little one,” he said standing up and going over to the phone on the nightstand. He dialed a number. Someone answering.

“Would you like to grab some numbing cream for me it seems like our little one has a bit of a problem but I’m not quite satisfied so it would nice to have some of that. Do you have some downstairs? Can you grab it? Could you do me another favor? How would you feel about partaking in some natural play?” Lionel asked smiling at the phone, “Good well grab that and come on up. I mean Vic said that he needs to have four weeks of no anal stimulation but we’ve already gone this far so might as well satisfy my needs, right? Exactly that’s what I’m thinking too. I’ll see you in a few minutes.”

With that he hung up the phone before coming back over to me, “We’re going to have fun little one ok? You see this?” he said undoing and pulling down his pants showing me his erection, “This is for you. For your sweet little boy pussy. I…,” 

I pulled my knees up to my chest. I wanted him to stop. I wanted to be finished. The door opening in that second making me jump as Lionel laughed and finished undressing, “Benjamin that was fast. Did you run?”

“I always want natural play with him. It feels like a fucking dream so yeah,” Uncle Ben said throwing a tube at Lionel, “You want to go first Daddy L, or can I?”

“How about you first?” Lionel asked him, “I’ll lavish other parts of him with attention.”

“And I thought I couldn’t be any hornier than I was earlier,” Uncle Ben said looking at me as he started undressing.

My body was still sore from Lionel and Da. Now I had to do the same thing with Lionel and Uncle Ben. I didn’t want to. I wanted to be done.

“Don’t cry little one,” Lionel said coming back to join me on the bed, “We just want to show you how much we love you. How much we…want you.” He said before sliding his tongue straight down my center and taking me in his mouth that cold shock going up my spine.

“Ah,” I gasped.

I hated that it always seemed to happen like this, Lionel just coming in and scaring me into submission into getting me to do whatever he wanted me to with whoever he wanted me to. Him sucking hard on me before Uncle Ben tapped him on the shoulder.

“You want to move?” Uncle Ben asked him.

He pulled off his lips making a smacking sound before he licked me from base to head my eyes nearly rolling as I moaned, “I’ll move. He’s near to bursting though. Look at that sweet little fruit. Don’t you love the…”

“More than I can describe,” Uncle Ben said as they both looked at me one of them playing with my erection.

“Daddy L? Please,” I begged him.

“Yeah?” he asked me moving. Sitting on my chest and grabbing my ankles pulling them.

“NO!” I screamed before I could help myself. I didn’t mean that. I didn’t mean him grabbing my legs so my uncle could rape me while he kept…No.

“You’re so lucky this is just training little one,” Lionel warned me, “Otherwise you would be in a world of hurt. You don’t tell me no again. You know what you did to deserve this. All this natural play you wanted to be a cock slut. Now you are one. You’re lucky I don’t call Sergei up here to use you too.” 

He had nearly hissed at me using the nickname Da had given me. So that’s what Lionel thought I was? He agreed with Da. That that’s all I was. All I really was. Because I thought just once someone might actually love me for more than…more than that. This was my punishment for that? Having sex with every adult man in the house?

“You want him in here? I can get off and call him,” Lionel threatened, “And I suggest you remember I can’t see you right now so you should use your words.”

“No Daddy L,” I said.

“How about you try whatever you want Daddy L?” Lionel suggested.

“Sorry, whatever you want D…Daddy L,” I said trying to numb myself out trying not to cry as I felt him lick me like an ice cream cone still holding my legs as I felt someone’s fingers push into me. Uncle Ben letting out a sound of satisfaction before he pulled his fingers back out pushing himself into me.

“Oh, fuck yeah baby,” he moaned, “He’s still wide open. You and Connor must have given it to him good.”

“We did. You love the way he feels, don’t you? I know I do,” Lionel said, “Little one is special so tight like a perfectly made leather glove.”

“Tell me what you want baby,” Uncle Ben said thrusting up inside of me.

“AHHH!” was all I managed.

It didn’t really burn and I couldn’t figure out why but he was hitting my prostate the outer part of my ass feeling almost numb. Like it was asleep. Lionel using his knees to pin my arms down as Lionel licked me. Sitting on my chest and licking over my tip lazily as I struggled under them gasping and whining.

“Tell me what you want me to do baby,” Uncle Ben said again.

He wanted me to say it and I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to say it anymore. My whole body shaking as it got hotter, tighter each push inside pushing against that spot.

“Tell us, baby, tell us what you want,” Uncle Ben coaxed slowing down, rolling his hips as Lionel took me in his mouth.

My whole body was shaking with the effort of staying silent. I wanted to scream, to sob. However, I was pretty sure if I wasn’t going to say that, and that was something I didn’t want to say they didn’t want to hear from me. That they would rather just…

“SHIT!” I screamed loudly before my eyes rolled my whole-body shuddering as I came again.

I was tired at that point. My utterance wasn’t exactly under my control. The orgasm ripping through my body a muscle group at a time making both Lionel and Uncle Ben grunt and moan. 

“That’s it baby let that boy pussy p…” his words turned in a moan as I felt him fill me my body starting to slow, the shuddering ceasing, stilling.

“Such a good boy little one huh?” Lionel cooed at me, “Why don’t we excuse Benjamin?”

“If you…oh,” Uncle Ben said as I felt him starting to pull out.

“What’s wrong?” Lionel asked him.

“It’s gotten a bit…messy,” Uncle Ben answered.

“Let me see,” Lionel said as he climbed off me, “Ah that’s all right. Dr. Palmer said he had a bit of tearing it’s just from that.”

“Oh, you didn’t tell me that,” Uncle Ben told Lionel, “I wasn’t prepared for…”

“Would you rather I had warned you? You’ve been dying to play natural with him since I took your contract from you and now suddenly you would rather be warned?” Lionel asked him sounding like he was pissed.

“No, not at all,” Uncle Ben said, “It does explain the numbing cream.”

“It would, wouldn’t it?” Lionel told him, “Now if you could…” he gestured at Uncle Ben with his hand Uncle Ben getting up and grabbing his pants, leaving the room naked.

I saw the blood. It wasn’t what I was expecting. The last time I had seen blood on someone being from James from walking in on Da while he was hurting him. Lionel didn’t waste any time pushing me down.

“You want to try now again little one?” he asked me putting his hands on my neck, “If you do we’re going to have to try something else here. I would think you would be tired already. Would have learned your…,” he pushed in hard grinding against me as he was inside.

“ARGH,” was the only I managed to make in pain the sensation too strong as he pushed through my body.

“Say yes, Daddy,” he commanded me.

“Y…argh,” I managed before gasping my air getting caught in my chest.

Now the only one who had purposefully hurt me before had been Uncle Ben. Maybe Da the first time he had ever penetrated me but besides that, any pain always felt like a second thought almost but this, the stabbing happening inside my gut, that felt intentional. That fucking hurt. 

“Say yes, Daddy,” he repeated.

“Ye…argh,” I moaned again.

“Come on little one. You’re tougher than this. I know you. Say it,” he said.

“Yes…yes Daddy,” I finally managed.

“Yes,” he said as he quit pushing so hard, “See little one? That’s all it takes. That’s all I wanted. I can make you feel good now. Better than any fumbling boy. You want me?”

I really didn’t want him. I wanted him to stop. To stop hurting me. Which he had but he was still inside me. Still raping me. He would hurt again if I didn’t say it. I knew he would or worse yet he would hurt someone else.

“Yes Daddy,” I said him rolling his hips causing that slight brush to ripple up my body.

“What do you want me to do little one? Do you want my cock?” he asked me.

I felt my face go red with that. So that was going to be a thing now too? He couldn’t just let my real Da have that one he had to have me say it too? I swallowed trying to hide the fact that my eyes were burning, that I felt like I was going to start crying.

“Yes, I want your cock Daddy,” I said before I hiccupped trying to keep myself from crying.

“What do you want me to do with it little one?” he asked before biting and sucking on my neck moving slowly rolling his hips.

“Fuck me,” I said feeling like a switch had been flipped. Like it didn’t matter anymore.

It was just words after all. It didn’t have to mean anything. None of it had to mean anything. I didn’t have to mean anything if I didn’t want to. My tears drying as I thought about it, him kissing my chest and neck as I did what Ted had once told me to and wrapped my legs around his waist.

“Yes? Oh god, little one,” he breathed excitedly, “Does that feel good?”

“Yes Daddy,” I mumbled, “Fuck me, Daddy.”

“Your wish is my command beautiful sweet boy,” he said before he started thrusting into me taking his time pulling back out making me moan.

I didn’t want to. I just didn’t see the point of fighting anymore. Not if this was what it was going to be. Him getting pissed at me and then making me…I’d cum at least three times. Da had raped me and him and then Uncle Ben and he was raping me again. The whole thing would have been horrifying if I hadn’t managed to go numb, to disconnect the whole thing making me wonder how John was dealing with it. If maybe that’s what he was doing too because there wasn’t…if I wasn’t numb in that moment I would have sobbed and screamed until I couldn’t scream anymore. My chest feeling tighter the more he used me, the farther he pushed my body.

He pushed until I thought there wasn’t anything left in me, my whole-body shuddering in orgasm a few minutes after my inside got coated with a new layer of grossness. Things started to feel fuzzy him pulling out before he grabbed me by my arms leaning me over the side of the bed and rubbing my back.

“There you go little one, it’s ok. You’re not the first one. Usually, they’re a lot younger than you though. The ones that forget to breathe. This is ok though, just relax. That’s it nice slow breaths. That’s my boy.”

There was a knock on the door. I remember my whole being felt just off. Still numb, something wrong.

“Are you? What are you doing Lionel?” I heard Da ask.

“Vic explained it to me. I’ve had little ones that have done it before. They get overstimulated and forget to breathe. If you just lay them on their stomach and rub their back it helps stimulate the respiratory system in the right way. Usually, it happens in infants and toddlers but I’ve seen it happen up to the age of six. Not 11 but six but that just means he’s a special boy. Just like I thought you were isn’t that right little one?”

“It’s called hypocapnia. It means he was left to hyperventilate for so long so deeply his body lost too much carbon dioxide so his nervous system naturally slowed down his breathing. Just did it a little too well. It’s happened to his brother too,” Da told him.

“I think that sounds similar to what Vic said,” Lionel agreed, “That’s it little one. Just relax. Just breathe.”

“Is that why Vic was called in the first place?” Lionel asked Da.

“One of the reasons yes,” Da answered, “we wanted to make sure we weren’t…overzealous as well. I want him to be signed in as soon as possible and Leo doesn’t want him unless he’s medically cleared. So, we had Vic look at him. Other than he’s exhausted he’s fine.”

“That’s good to hear that Johnathan is fine,” Lionel said, “This one will be fine too. I’ll have Dr. Palmer double chec…”

“Dr. Palmer just left,” Da said, “We can, of course, call him back if we need to but I thought he had already examined…”

“That was before I decided I needed a second round,” Lionel said as he stopped petting my back and leaned over kissing me between my shoulder blades before he went back to it.

“I see,” I heard Da answer a hint of amusement in his voice, “Was he as good the second time?”

“Better, he’s a quick learner but I’ve always known he was a smart one,” Lionel answered.

“Do you still think he can do promotional and tutorials?” Da asked him.

“Yes, I believe the little one can handle it. We’ll do a few more training lessons before we get there but, I’d say after his four weeks of rest to make sure he heals and then we’ll have another training session or two. Maybe a third with the equipment around and then I’d like to shoot a tutorial first. Natural play I think.”

Dr. Palmer had warned me about that. That it meant me on camera with him. I didn’t understand what training lessons were really I remember thinking that I wished I did. Because then maybe I could…stop them. But at the same time, I still felt horribly numb as Lionel lazily rubbed my back Da sitting down on the bed wearing just his boxers. At first, I thought he might…do something. Something else but he didn’t he moved my legs and Lionel put my legs across his so that I was half laying across his lap as they talked. Him continuing to rub my back.

I didn’t mean for it to happen but somehow, I managed to fall asleep. Probably because my body was so tired at that point. My thoughts turning to John and then something else. Me gasping.

“Oh, little one it’s ok,” Lionel said starting to rub my back again, “I love them when they’re sleeping. Always look so peaceful.”

“I always thought you had a problem with older boys, connecting with them but you seem to have something with Will,” I heard Da comment.

“He’s beautiful,” Lionel said continuing to rub my back, “Special. It’s ok little one. Just relax, let yourself fall back to sleep.”

“So, it doesn’t bother you that he’s…”

“Not every perfect creature is perfect Connor. You’re young but you’ll learn. All of you eventually do. I only pick special boys this one just happens to be more so than the rest. The next one, the next one will be lucky indeed. To be trained by someone so…perfect. So sweet. He’ll never find a gentler hand to guide him. To help him mature for me.”

“When do you want him?” Da asked.

I had already figured out who he wanted next. It didn’t take much to see it and Da was going to let him. I knew Da would let him. He’d let him have James. He’d already helped Lionel rape him once. There was nothing I could do to stop it. But that didn’t mean I wanted to hear about when. Or how.

I groaned sitting up, “Daddy L, Da, can I go shower now?” I asked them quietly.

“What do you say Daddy L?” Da asked Lionel smiling.

“Do you think you’ll improve little one? I know it’s hard at first but we must get you past this prompting. We would already be there if your mother hadn’t taken you away from me. Do you think we can knock it out in two or three more sessions? After you’re well of course.” He asked me running a hand through my hair.

I nodded my head before realizing what that meant, “Yes, Daddy L. I’ll try.”

“Good boy,” Lionel told me before he kissed me lightly on the lips at first before briefly sliding his tongue into my mouth causing my face to feel warm, hot as I blushed.

“Go on honey. Go shower and you can head back upstairs,” Da told me as Lionel helped me stand up.

My legs still felt numb, my thighs burning as I walked to the bathroom shutting the door behind me and turning on the water. Our guest bathrooms were huge. At first, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to bathe or shower them being separate in that bathroom instead of a two in one like it was in most of our others me deciding that maybe it might be easier to just shower down here and wait to bathe upstairs where I didn’t have to worry about them. Because it seemed like Lionel even though he was older every time he looked at me he wanted…that. I felt like my body couldn’t take any more of that today as I looked at the clock realizing the last time I had been upstairs it had been 2:30. I had spent the afternoon with them. Doing that. It was slightly after six. I had been downstairs for nearly four hours. John had been gone for eight.

I took as a quick a shower as I dared and was ready for them to stop me when I came out of the bathroom only to find them both gone. Both somewhere else. Me sighing almost in relief as I somehow managed to waddle to the lift and take it upstairs.

When I got up there it seemed like everyone was holding their breath when they looked at me as I came out of the lift. Something was wrong but I was too tired too.

“It’s ok Willy,” Mike said touching my arm lightly making me looked at him, “It’s ok, I’ve got you.”

“What’s wrong with him?” Catty asked Mike.

“Don’t worry about it Cat, we’ve got him,” Mike assured her, “Come on Matty, Jay.”

“It’s ok,” James said as he grabbed my hand before Matty took my right arm pulling it over his shoulder as Mike did the same with my left.

“Use our weight,” Matty said as they took a slow step forward. It made me wonder what had happened. What I looked like. I knew I was naked but by then I was so numb and tired I didn’t care. I just wanted …something. Something else.

“It’s ok Willy,” Jay told me again walking behind us as they helped me down the hall and to my room not letting go of my arms until I was in bed Mike tucking me in as James climbed into bed with me pulling my head into his lap me still so overcome by numbness and suddenly so sore I could barely move, “I’m right here it’s ok. We’re together so we’re safe.” He told me.

That’s when I heard it. The crying recognizing the pitiful whimper that was coming from me for the first time wondering when I had started crying if it had been before the shower or after, or during. Or if I had started crying when I got on the lift my little brother, my six-year-old little brother running his hands gently through my hair as I sobbed myself to sleep.


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Da has Will present for Nanny interviews looking for extra help because John and Mum aren't around and he knows he can't really trust Ben with the kids. Will thinks at first he's to get his opinion and applicants but finds out it's for more nefarious reasons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 869 to 897. **warnings: mental health issues, anxiety, grooming, emotional abuse, molestation, talk of rape/non-con, talk of child sexual abuse** Takes place between chapters 3 and 4 of John part 2.

I don’t know who took care of everyone that night but when I woke up it was dark out. I went to move only to find that my arm was completely asleep and there was a lot of weight on top of it me panicking probably letting out a gasp of surprise causing Mike to bolt upright nearly hitting me in the face with the top of his head, barely missing my nose and face.

“What’s? Oh, Willy are you ok?” he asked me.

I just looked at him and shrugged my shoulders. I was tired. Everything below my rib cage hurt and the fact that he was laying on my arm didn’t help with the pain any. I wanted to go back to sleep preferably by myself instead of with the one little body crammed up against my back and Mike’s body on my arm I just didn’t…I sighed.

“Willy? Are you going to talk to me?” he asked me.

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know if there was anything to say. Even if those were things I wanted it wasn’t like they mattered. I was just a slut. Any wants I had didn’t matter. If Da and Lionel wanted to fuck me they would. If they wanted someone to fuck me on camera well…everyone knew how much say I had in that. So there was no point in saying anything. At least not until they made me.

“Do you want us to leave?” he asked me to which I nodded my head.

“Are you sure?” he asked, “Because I’m not sure I want to leave Willy. You scared me. You were crying so hard. You were so sad. What did they do?”

I shrugged my shoulders. It didn’t matter what they did. What had happened. He was mad at me still. I knew he was. I don’t know why but even then I had this feeling that Sergei wasn’t a good thing to be threatened with. I didn’t understand why I was getting that overwhelming feeling but, I was. I wasn’t looking forward to seeing him again my and body ached the feeling of being cramped into a tiny twin sized bed with two other boys wasn’t helping me any.

“It…,” I tried my voice sounding horse causing me to clear my throat and try again, “It doesn’t matter. Can you take James to your room and finish sleeping in there?”

“You don’t want us to stay with you?” he asked me.

I shook my head. My body felt gross and sore. I was still naked and felt like…certain parts of me felt very slimy like I needed a panty liner. And it was uncomfortable to be sharing a bed with my little brothers in that state. Not that I didn’t love them or appreciate that they were trying to comfort me but my body was very loudly complaining about the need to have some space everything feeling cramped and pinched.

“Ok Willy,” he told me nodding his head, “Jay, Jay come on wake up bud Willy wants us to leave.”

“Leave?” Jay asked rubbing his eyes, “But I’m so tired and he’s safe.” He mumbled before moving slightly behind me and wrapping his arms around my chest.

“Yeah but you know how you were sore and tired when it happened? I think Willy is sore and tired. It’s not that he doesn’t want us here it’s just that there isn’t a lot of room in the bed so why don’t you come sleep with me in my room?” Mike asked him.

“But if …if we’re not tog…”

“Bud, I love you. I do I love you so much but I need…” I went to go shift my weight pain shooting up or down my torso me unable to identify where the pain was coming from.

“I think us being close right now isn’t helping him feel any better. Can I run you a bath, Willy? Will you let me?” Mike asked to which I nodded my head, “Ok, Jay bud why don’t you go to my room. You can sleep on the top bunk with me if you want.”

“Really?” Jay asked to which Mike nodded his head helping him out of the corner he was stuffed into behind me, “Ok, but if you need us you’ll let us know right Willy?”

“Yeah,” I told him nodding my head, “I’ll let you know. Thank you.”

“No problem,” Mike said, “Come on bud I’ll be there in a couple of minutes.”

Mike went into my bathroom and turned on the light. I felt like something was throbbing but I couldn’t tell what or from where. It wasn’t a nice sensation. I kind of just wanted my body to stop hurting. 

I hadn’t really been gang-raped since my marking. While it hadn’t been violent the weight of so many people pushing their bodies into your legs and resting them there hurt like a son of a bitch everything below my waist feeling like I had done leg presses or squats to the point where it hurt to just move my feet let alone actually stand me residing myself to the idea of crawling my way across my bedroom naked to make it to the bathroom as Mike came back out.

“It’s running. Come on,” he said holding his hand out for me.

“Mike you don’t…,” I started.

“I’ve dealt with him too you know?” he reminded me, “Uncle Ben hurts ok? I know he hurts. So just…just let me try to help ok?”

He looked like he was about to start crying. Just looking at him making my eyes prickle as I nodded my head. It wasn’t that I didn’t think he knew or understood but more that he shouldn’t have to take care of me. That it wasn’t his job to take care of me but the other way around. And that was a job I wasn’t doing very well at.

“I’m sorry,” I told him.

“Willy come on,” Mike said, “Come on. It’s ok. I know why you…you want to be alone I do but, your legs probably hurt so bad. It’s the way he pushes on you. I know it hurts. He only did it once like…like that but I remember how bad it hurts.”

I nodded my head taking his hand as he helped me up me almost falling as he maneuvered himself so that he was draping me over his back in order to help me wobble into the bathroom and then helped me over the tub. I don’t know where he found the strength. How he managed to support my weight that without us both falling over but he did, helping me lower my body into the tub and sit the feeling of my bottom hitting the tub making me hiss.

“Are you ok?” he asked me, ‘Do you need me to do anything else?”

“No,” I shook my head, ‘No, wait. Can you see if…?”

“Uncle Ben brought a bunch of clothes upstairs in a laundry basket. It took him three trips but he brought a bunch of clothes that he said belonged to you and John and he brought my pants back and Matt’s so I think all the clothes are back,” he told me to which I nodded my head, “Did you know?”

“That you had been wearing the same pair of jeans for 3 days? Yeah, I noticed. I just…,” 

“Lots of stuff going on I know,” he sighed, “Did you see…?”

“Jack? No,” I shook my head, “Da talked about him he’s in the house somewhere. That’s all I know though.”

“Do you think he’s ok?” Mike asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t have the heart to tell him what Vic had told me. That he had seen both of us and I was the one that was in better shape. That Vic had basically said I looked beat to shit but John was worse. Where he was he was worse and I couldn’t tell Mike that.

“Ok, do you want me to leave now?” he asked to which I nodded my head, “Do you need a liner from the nursery?”

Yeah, he knew Uncle Ben well I guess. The idea almost making my chest hurt as I felt my face heating up and gave a small nod looking at my toes under the water. It was embarrassing to admit. That you were bleeding. There of all places because they had…at least one of them had forced you.

“It’s ok Willy,” Mike assured me, “There’s nothing to be upset about it happens.”

I hugged myself looking at the water before I shook my head a little bit. I hated it. I hated the idea that Matt had been right. That anything that had happened to Mike had been my fault because Uncle Ben had wanted me instead, preferred me and he couldn’t have me at the time. That it would be that way again probably starting tomorrow.

“I’ll be back ok?” he told me to which I nodded my head again.

I was tired and the water was starting to feel nice. It was just hot enough it was helping my body relax even though my legs still burned from my hips all the way to my calves. I had almost forgotten how badly it hurt to be gang banged. It hadn’t even been a quick one like at my marking but one that had taken hours and it wasn’t six people but only three. Almost four. Me thinking about how lucky that made me. How lucky I was to only be bleeding a little bit have a sore body compared to broken bones among other things that could have happened. 

I stayed in the tub until the water went cold somehow managing to climb out and find some Motrin and take it before I got back into bed falling asleep on my own. When I woke up I felt even worse if that was even possible my stomach being the thing that woke me up as I barely made it to the bathroom my whole body shaking I was in so much pain as my insides stung ejecting whatever had managed to stay inside of me after a shower and bath. As I felt like I was trying to give birth or what I imagine birth to feel like.

When I was done using the bathroom I was shaky and sweaty and barely had the ability to get back into bed on my own. I felt sick. Really sick and I couldn’t tell why. Me only managing to nearly fall back to sleep just to have to get back up again and go through the ordeal three or four times before there was a knock on my door.

“What?” I mumbled not opening my eyes thinking it was Mike or James or maybe even Matty coming to tell me the babies were crying and was surprised nearly jumping a foot in the air when it was Da.

“Honey, what’s going on? Matt said he’s heard you up and down since around 6. You want to tell me what’s up?” he asked me.

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to…to make him mad at me. I was afraid he would be mad when he realized that I couldn’t take care of them on my own. That I was in too much pain. That I didn’t know where John or mum were and I needed them because my body hurt too much to walk. To stand up.

“It hurts,” I barely whispered not looking at him.

“What? Your body, your stomach?” he asked me.

I nodded my head him sighing loudly as he sat down at the foot of my bed touching my leg through my covers sending a shiver up my spine, “I’ll call Dr. Palmer see if I can catch him on his way to the office. Do you want to talk about some of the stuff we talked about yesterday? Lionel and I?”

Did I want to talk about how he was selling me out to Lionel to make Pornos for child molesters? No. No, I didn’t want to talk about how I didn’t want my body on display for people like them. For people that did the same things, Lionel did to me, to other kids. I didn’t want to be any part of that. There wasn’t anything to talk about as far as I was concerned because it’s not like he cared that I didn’t want it to happen.

He didn’t care about anything that I wanted. If he did he would have let John stay with us, he would have let mum stay with us. Him looking at me and starting to rub my foot before he spoke, “I’ll take that as a no for right now anyway. I have to go I’d like you to join me later around lunchtime this afternoon. I’m going to be interviewing some people and I would like your opinion.”

“Interviewing people for what?” I asked quietly my curiosity getting the best of me.

“Nannies,” he answered, “I did phone interviews and I got it down to three candidates they all came highly recommended but even if they aren’t really for you and John their main job as a nanny is helping you boys and your mum take care of everyone so if John can’t be there I’d like you to try and be there when I speak with them ok honey?”

I nodded my head in agreement. I didn’t think I could do it. Considering I was having massive issues where I needed to be near a bathroom every 20 minutes. Painful issues. I wanted John back. John should be here I needed him.

“Da where is Jack?” I asked not thinking about it.

“Don’t fucking call him that!” Da spat squeezing my foot making me flinch in pain before he closed his eyes and sighed, “Sorry, I’m sorry. Your mum agreed we would never call him that. I don’t like him being called that. He’s not a Jack. A Jack is a nasty vile person and he’s not that. Understand?”

“Sorry Da,” I said quietly, “Where is he though?”

“He’s fine. Don’t worry about it. He’s resting ok?”

So, he wasn’t going to tell me. He wasn’t going to tell me where he was at all. How did I even know he was in the house? How did I know he didn’t cart him off to the same place he had mum taken to? I needed my brother back. I wanted…”

“You’re ok Honey, he’s fine. There’s nothing to cry about. You stay here and rest I’ll call Dr. Palmer ok?” he asked me.

I nodded my head. If that’s all he was going to give me that and a warning squeeze when I called him by his nickname there wasn’t anything else to say to him. He could just leave for now. I didn’t want to be near him anymore.

“I love you,” he told me before kissing my cheek.

“I love you too,” I answered him leaving my room before I felt my stomach complaining again.

I got up again going into my bathroom. It fucking hurt. It hurt so fucking bad. Burning and stinging and itching. I was lucky I had never had an anal fissure before. It feels like a papercut in your asshole and every time you stress your muscles it stings and burns and when you use the bathroom it itches because it’s being irritated by fecal matter. It’s a lovely feeling. It fucking sucks.

I heard a knock on my bathroom door.

“WHAT!?” I screamed loudly trying to keep myself from screaming out in pain.

“Da said to tell you Vic’s on his way,” I heard Matt’s voice, “What’s wrong? Are you having a baby.”

“Only if liquid shit is a baby,” I muttered, “Can you fucking go?”

“Why don’t want me listening to you shit your guts out? It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve heard it you know?”

“Matt…,” I groaned.

“Ok fine,” Matt said, “I’ll let you know when he’s here.”

With that, I heard his footsteps receding. It sucked. A lot. Me making it back into bed my thighs and legs still burning as I managed to stumble over to my bed. I laid there trying to fall back to sleep for probably 20 minutes when I heard the lift kick on and heard some laughing.

“Guys calm down,” Dr. Palmer said, “I’ll check on Will you guys go see what everyone is up to.”

“Yeah, you should quiet down or he’ll know you’re here,” I heard Cole say.

Cole, what was Cole doing here? Not that I wasn’t happy to hear his voice I was I just…not like this. Not right now. Dr. Palmer knocking on my cracked door before he pulled it open.

“Hey, your Dad said you were having issues?” Dr. Palmer asked me shutting the door.

I nodded my head as he pulled my desk chair over to my bedside. It felt weird to talk about. I mean he was my doctor he knew my body. He had dealt with my stomach before. Because I don’t know how many people are aware of what being constantly anally raped does to your body and your intestines but it’s never pleasant.

“When was your last bowel movement before today?” he tried my face flushed just talking about it.

“Tuesday,” I answered.

“TUESDAY!?” he asked me, “Ok, all right. That’s why it’s hurting so bad. You were backed up. Probably from stress and now you’re well, not backed up. Is it solid right now?”

I shook my head. It was not solid it felt like I was pissing out of my asshole. Like my stomach no longer wanted to hold any food. I hated my body.

“I would say you are no longer backed up then I’m going to tell you to eat some oatmeal and stay in bed. What about everything else? Is it burning?”

I nodded my head and he sighed.

“I thought that might be the case. So I brought you some cream. It’ll help. Just try to keep it clean. If I were you I’d try to squirt some water to rinse after you eliminate and then apply the cream. I know your body is probably sore but bed rest is all there is really. You are on four weeks of no anal activity, ok? That should give you time to heal. And then…”

“And then they’re going to put me on camera,” I said feeling like I wanted to cry.

“Probably not right away,” he told me, “Look I huh, I have to…Cole and Pat are here. I found them walking this way and kind of picked them up. It looks like you could use the help today. All things considered so maybe talk to them? Cole knows what this is. He’ll be good to talk to. You want me to send him in?”

I shook my head. It was embarrassing. That and we weren’t supposed to ever be coming back. I hadn’t forgotten what Pat had told me. That he hadn’t been able to say goodbye because of his feelings for me. Because he had a crush on me when we left. However, it had been almost eight months since I had last seen him. Whatever feelings had been there were probably gone.

There was another knock on my door, “Come in.” I answered.

“Hey!” Cole said smiling brightly at me, “You don’t look so good.” He said his smiling turning into a frown.

“I don’t feel very good,” I told him.

“Do you mind if I sit for a while?” he asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders which caused him to sigh as he sat down, “Yesterday was Friday.”

I looked at him understanding what he was asking me. I started crying. It was hard enough to admit that it had happened let alone face the fact that he knew. That he knew and it was…

“It’s ok,” Cole said offering me his hand, “It’s ok.”

I shook my head. I hated him knowing. That…that’s all I was. Was some old nasty man’s slut. That everyone else knew it too. Everyone but John.

“He’s…he’s really mad,” Cole told me.

“I KNOW!” I shrieked before I started sobbing.

“Ok, I’m sorry. Will, I’m sorry ok? I probably shouldn’t have said that. It was stupid. I know you realize he’s angry. And that when he’s angry it’s not. Do you want to talk about it? Anything?”

No. No, I didn’t want to talk about it. Or anything. I wanted my body to stop hurting. I wanted to…I wanted to take it back. All the things I said and I couldn’t.

“Ok,” Cole said nodding his head, “I’ll talk. So this summer was busy. I …Lionel and the brotherhood started this exchange program with the Japanese branch. This guy arrived in the last couple weeks of May. His name is Tosh he’s super cute. So we kind of have a thing going. He’s really different from, anything,” he told me, “It’s weird because usually, I don’t like guys like him. He’s kind of…ditzy but it’s nice. He makes me laugh. I mean for a while after school let out it was kind of…you know what? That doesn’t matter. He’s nice though. He has this insane laugh though.”

He went quiet for a minute my tears having subsided as I listened to him talk me finally turning around to look at him to see him watching me. His expression didn’t look like theirs or Beau’s. It was concentrated like I was the only thing in the room still but it didn’t look sexual at all. His expression soft but pensive as he stared at me, “You weren’t supposed to come back.”

I nodded my head in agreement. He was right we weren’t. We weren’t ever supposed to come back. I was glad to hear he had moved on with his life. Found someone that maybe he loved as much as he had once loved Justin. Someone that he didn’t feel ashamed about having feelings for because they were too young or too dumb or too owned by someone else to matter. That he was allowed to like them like that because they didn’t belong to someone else.

“What happened?” he asked me suddenly, his eyes still trained on me.

“I don’t know. This guy,” I said feeling like I was about to start crying again, “John had a girlfriend her brother, Jason. He was…he was web surfing and he found John’s picture on a missing kids site. No one knew. Mum didn’t want anyone to know and neither did we. He called the site. Let them know where we were. I came home that morning and they were there. Sergei and him. They were fighting with Carmen our neighbor who always helped John and I watch everyone while mum worked. They didn’t even wait for mum to come home. I never got to say goodbye. He just dropped me off and I never got to say goodbye.”

“Where were you before?” Cole asked me.

“With him,” I answered.

“Will?” Cole asked me his eyes concentrated on me, “Who is he?”

I shook my head. I wouldn’t tell him that. I wouldn’t tell him Beau’s name. If I told him and Lionel somehow found out…I wouldn’t do that to Beau. They thought he was just some poor stupid kid that I had tricked into doing things with me because I was a slut. They didn’t need to know that he was older. That it had been something we had both wanted. That I had enjoyed it.

Cole sighed running his hand through his hair pulling it back from his face with his hand as he looked at me, “I…,” he sighed loudly again, “Is that why he’s so pissed? I thought it was just because you guys actually got away.”

I shrugged my shoulders. So he had caught that. That “he” was someone important. Someone who had mattered. 

“I won’t tell anyone. Does John know?” he asked me.

“He huh,” I nodded my head, “John wanted to beat him up. The idea is silly really but I was. I don’t know I was scared that John would tell everyone. That he would get in trouble. I told John we wouldn’t do it again but we did. Just that one other time though.”

Coles' mouth fell open, “Wait, you…you and some guy you…? How old was he?”

I didn’t want to tell him that. He would probably think it was sick. Be mad at me. Just like John had been. Tell me I was too young, too stupid. That I didn’t have a right to decide it because I was his. I would always be his that it didn’t matter what I wanted. I didn’t have a right to let someone touch my body that wasn’t him. That he knew that just like everyone else.

“Will,” Cole said putting his hand on my shoulder, “Will I’m not going to tell anyone ok? Look, you thought you weren’t coming back. You wanted to know what it felt like. If it was different or not. I get it. Trust me, I do. Justin and I were 12 the first time we ever had sex just the two of us without cameras or anyone else because we wanted to know and we were so scared that if we didn’t we never would. So we did. There’s nothing wrong with you wanting it to be a choice ok? But there are people out there who would…”

“16,” I said suddenly, “It was his first time. He said he had never even…” I shook my head trailing off.

Cole sighed heavily, “Will, that’s…can I be honest? Don’t think I’m mad at you because I don’t have a lot of room to talk here but, can I be honest with you because I care about you?” he asked me.

I nodded my head before he continued, “There are guys out there who they aren’t quite like our Dad’s but they aren’t like us either. They’ll see guys like …guys that are confused. Guys that are young and confused and thinking about things and looking to figure that stuff out and they’ll use that. They’ll use it as an excuse to get what they want from someone they might want it from. I’m not saying he…”

“No,” I shook my head, “It wasn’t like that.”

“Will,” Cole said, “You’re young. Ok? You’re young and he shouldn’t have…”

“I wanted to,” I told him, “I wanted to because…because he was coming for me. And I knew it. I knew it I knew he wanted me back. And I didn’t…I just once, just one time. And…now,” I barely managed before I started sobbing.

“Oh kid,” Cole said climbing into bed with me and pulling me into his arms, “I know and I’m sorry ok? But you…I’m not saying he was bad but he did something wrong and he knows it ok? Hopefully, he’ll be able to forgive himself but, that guy used you ok? He did. Just like Lionel is using you. It’s ok kid. I know it’s scary. I know he’s scary. But it’ll be ok. You should have waited though. You really should have. And I’m assuming he knows and that’s why he’s pissed. He’s not done punishing you. If it would have just been you leaving, getting away maybe whatever he did yesterday would have been enough for him but this…I…I can’t tell you what he’ll do ok? I wish I could lie to you and tell you that everything would be ok but I don’t know what he’ll do because you don’t tell him when it’s over he tells you. He’s going to view whatever that was as you cheating on him.”

“I just wanted a choice,” I managed to mumble again, “I just…he was so nice. Like you. He never felt cold and he never…”

“He used you, Will,” Cole told me, “I hate to ruin your idea of that guy but he used you. He knew he was using you. What he did is almost as bad as what your Da has been doing to you your whole life. Convincing you something is ok when deep down you know it’s not.”

“You do it all the time,” I pointed out.

“Ok, think of it this way. The guys I do it with are people I’ve known for a very long time. They’re people I’ve been forced to do it with before when it wasn’t a choice. The first time was never a choice. And they might be 16 or 17 but I’m 14 ok? There is a huge difference between someone who is 14 having sex with someone who is 16 and someone who is 11 doing it ok? I mean I know you won’t be doing it again but that…does he know how old this guy was?”

I shook my head. I hadn’t told him. He still thought it was some kid closer to my age Cole let out what sounded like a sigh of relief.

“Don’t tell him. He probably thinks it was someone younger I’m pretty sure. So whatever you do don’t tell anyone how old this guy was. No one else ok? Because if he finds out anything about this guy he’ll do something bad. I don’t know to who, I can’t tell you that but it will be bad. When I was ten he caught a boy kissing my cheek he was a throwaway he was nine. He castrated him and then had Sergei fuck the hole he made while he strangled him to death in front of me. Because I was his. So make sure he never finds anything out about this guy ok?” Cole warned me.

I nodded my head. But he didn’t have anyone else to punish but me. There wasn’t anyone to castrate but me. It made me wonder what he would do to me. How he had punished Cole for it if he wasn’t done punishing me.

“What did he do to you?” I asked him my tears drying.

“I huh…,” Cole trailed off making a gurgling sound, “It’s not…” he trailed off into silence.

“They gang-raped me until I bled.” I told him, “yesterday. It was Da and then him and then Uncle Ben and then him again. My whole body hurts. I…I can’t my…”

“Ok,” Cole said as I felt him nod his head against my shoulder as he grabbed my hand and kissed the back of it, “Ok. He…He used me for…it was the first time he ever made me do anything with anyone that little. They were maybe four. He kept telling me they were trained for it. That it didn’t matter because they were throwaways but it mattered to me. He had to tie me down and told me if I acted like I felt anything but pleasure he would snap their necks. And I knew he would. So I just…” I felt his Adam's apple bob against my shoulder, “I did what I had to.”

I sat up turning around to look at him. Was he saying what I thought he was saying?

“Don’t look at me like that,” Cole said shaking his head his face flushed and his chest heaving, “Don’t look at me like that I didn’t…”

“Ok, Cole,” I said feeling like I was going to start crying as he started tearing up, “You didn’t want to. You won’t even…you…is he going to make me do that?” I barely managed.

“Tie you down and let two four-year-olds blow you? Probably, probably worse it gets so much worse. And only…don’t tell anyone. Please, please don’t tell anyone.”

That’s why they wouldn’t talk about it. Because he had made them do horrible things to kids. Little kids. Kids that were so little they didn’t understand what it was. Kids that were probably trained from the moment they were brought home from the hospital like Teddy had said he’d been doing to him and Luke. Like he had probably done to Louis and countless other kids. 

No wonder Cole had never said anything to Pat. He was probably afraid I thought he was a monster when the real monster was Lionel. Cole had just done what he had to. He hadn’t wanted those kids, toddlers touching him like that. Making his body do that. There was nothing even remotely attractive about a four-year-old. I couldn’t even imagine.

“It’s ok,” I told Cole hugging him, “I won’t tell. I swear. I won’t ever tell anyone. I’m sorry.”

“It gets worse,” he said his eyes almost blank as he looked at me, “A lot worse. I just…that was after he…made me start with T-teddy.”

“Teddy forgives you,” I reminded him.

“Teddy doesn’t know any better,” he said, “ I know what Lionel did to him. After a while, he tells you a lot of things. He holds meetings with you in his lap he…,” Cole blinked and shook his head, “Anyway. Whatever he does I don’t imagine it’ll be easy ok?”

“He and Da were talking. He wants to use me in promotionals and tutorials and Da said it was a good idea,” I told him quietly.

“That fuck,” Cole said shaking his head, “Tutorials are hard. Sometimes they’re downright cruel. It’s like…you know how they do something and sometimes your body reacts a certain way? They’ll find what your body reacts to and that’s the tutorial they’ll use you for often times. Because they want the most genuine response the most consensual looking response they can get. And then they’ll keep doing it and they’ll shoot it, Tony will bring in his guys and they’ll shoot it from as many different angles as possible with the handler whoever it is talking to the camera, explaining exactly what he’s doing to your body to the camera like it’s people. And they’ll just keep going until you can’t stand it anymore until you would rather rip your fucking ears off than hear them anymore. Sometimes it’ll just be and a handler and the crew and sometimes, other times it’s you and other kids and the handler and…th.the crew and it’s…”

Vic hadn’t told me any of that. That tutorials were like that. Were more professionally done then what Uncle Ben had made us do and let Lionel watch. I hadn’t even realized that would be something they would do I don’t think at that age. I knew what went into making a movie that there were sound people and camera people but, I don’t think I realized what went into making that type of thing work yet because I didn’t think they shot pornos like that because I was 11. I had never seen a porno before. Not really.  
Cole’s whole body was shaking as he sat there me facing him, hugging him as I sat on his lap. Me rubbing his back. It wasn’t my pain. Not at that point, not yet. But it scared me. It scared me to think of Cole barely 10 and having to do that. Having to go through that me rubbing his back gently like he had rubbed mine in past letting him hold me back and breathe into my neck with his eyes closed.

“I’m sorry,” I told him to which I felt him nod his head.

“Me too.” He said sitting up and breaking away from me, “If I could stop him from doing it to you I would. I…”

“You can’t,” I told him giving him a sad smile, “I already know you can’t. That’s been the hardest part about coming back. Knowing that they’re going to hurt them and I can’t stop it.”

Cole nodded his head, “Considering how hard you and John always try, yeah that’s a bitter pill to swallow. Just hold them. Tell them it’s ok even if you know it’s really not. It helps. It helps them. I know that’s hard to believe but, it does. I’ve done it a million times. Held them while I told them I was sorry and that it would be ok. Even though sometimes I was pretty sure it wasn’t. I’m pretty sure once or twice I was the last person to ever hug one of those kids without …or at least after without it meaning something bad.”

“I didn’t mean to make you cry,” I told him.

“I know,” he answered, “I’ll do a bump when I leave later, go have fun with Tosh, blow off some steam. Blow something else…”

That made me smile even though it was dirty. I knew what he was referring to. Blowing Tosh. I was glad that he had found someone that he liked. That made him happy and that he didn’t just equate rolling around with but actual feelings. It was something that even Pat had told me was hard for Cole to mix sex in with emotion. To have it mean something probably because for the longest time whenever he did have sex the only way for him to get through actually doing it was to make himself void of emotion.   
“That can be fun,” I admitted to him, “I actually found that I …” I shrugged my shoulder feeling my face flush again.

“Wait are you telling me you and this guy…you? Did that?”

I nodded my head giggling slightly, “It was fun. It didn’t taste bad like them. It was different. And I wasn’t gagging on it or being shoved down so it was…nice.”

“I’m glad you liked it. I mean I wish it wouldn’t have happened but I’m glad that you had the chance to decide for yourself if it was something that you enjoyed or not. I personally find that if I want to I don’t mind them being a little rough. Like and don’t tell Kris I said this but he can get a little…aggressive. But it’s more like role play almost. It’s fun.”

That was not something I expected to hear. Especially about Kris considering how protective he seemed of me. I couldn’t picture him being rough with anyone. I remember that making me question things. Why someone who had been forced to do that with someone would choose the same person to do that with. It made me want to understand it. To understand those choices about people and I think it helped me start to understand how complex human sexuality can really be. That it’s so much more than gay and straight. That it’s so many different things. 

“Are you still…?” I asked him.

“ehh…,” Cole said thinking about it, “You really want to know?”

“If you want to tell me,” I told him.

“I really like Tosh, I do I just…” he went quiet for a minute, “It’s weird. Scary. I haven’t…not since Justin and I lost him. Sex always comes first. Even with Justin, it came first. Everyone thinks it’s supposed to be the other way around but in my experience it never has. Dad just kind of took me over to his host family and made us…well. But he was so, every time they told him to do something he gave them the death glare. Like he’s not afraid of them and say something under his breath in Japanese I asked him what he kept saying after they left and he told me it basically meant he was telling them to eat shit and die. And sometimes telling them to do it themselves. I thought it was sweet that he…he didn’t want to hurt me.”

“What’s he like? I mean other than funny and a bit of a spaz,” I told him.

“He’s kind of awesome. Like it’s not…he listens really well for a spaz and he has the same sense of humor I do. That we all do I think that comes with being a bottom though he likes soccer and talks about his little sisters and his match. He already has a match and he’s only 14 like me. So it’s weird but he seems to care about her. His Dad is like the top guy over there. He…”

I felt sick to my stomach, “Jai?” I asked him quietly.

“No, Jai is just like a lackey pretty much. This guy’s last name is Harada. I mean he’s not as bad or weird as Jai but he’s not exactly good news. Think Lionel without all the kinks and more hungry for money than sex with underage boys,” Cole explained, “But that’s Tosh’s Dad. He has three wives. I mean the Japanese government doesn’t know that but, one of them is the same age Tosh is. He says it’s weird calling her mom.”

“Is his real mom still around?” I asked Cole.

“Yeah, she’s…over there things are very different. Even now. They don’t ever question their husbands over there. It’s unquestioning obedience. A woman is often viewed as belonging to her husband. The same thing in Arab countries. Probably Why Susan hates them if you ever have to sit down and eat with her. Which I really hope you don’t,” Cole said.

“Oh Teddy told me about that stuff,” I said, “How every dinner is like a major discussion about brotherhood stuff every night.”

“Yeah, his Dad basically controls everything. It’s not a good situation. Chris’ Dad saw him in a video and wanted him for some stuff so they shipped him over for a couple of months,” Cole told me.

“Wait, Chris or Kris?” I asked him.

“Look the brotherhood has like a council right? You know that? Of like guys who are in charge of everything?” Cole said.

“Yeah,” I said.

“Christan his Dad is like Lionel. While Lionel is kind of head of the east cost Boy Lovers Peter Ford is the one that’s in control of the New York Chapter. He travels back and forth because he can. The only reason why Chris stays here is because we have the only fully controlled brotherhood school there is. A ton of them do anything they can to get into St. Matt’s or get their daughters into St Bernies. There are more boys in the brotherhood at school than you realize. They just don’t say anything. You’ll figure it out once you start going to more parties. I mean they try their best to balance it but every year there are more brotherhood boys in every grade. In my grade last year there was 20 of us and the number gets larger with every grade you go down. We mostly ignore each other unless we’re stuck in a room together naked but yeah. And that’s just guys. That’s not counting the girls. So yeah, the try to get their kids here because it keeps them from…”

“They’re less likely to get caught if they’re six year old says something about real love kisses at school if it’s our school,” I said and Cole nodded his head.

That was horrible. The whole reason the school existed was for Teddy but still. That seemed horrible. Having a school set up so your child could accidentally slip up about their sexual abuse and the school wouldn’t alert anyone about it. That was just sick. It all made me wonder what the church got out of it. It was after all a Catholic school. And then I realized…it had to do with molesting children.

“Yeah so Tosh is here because of that and well the other thing I mentioned. How is John?”

“Lately?” I asked him, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since yesterday morning. Da won’t tell me where he is. I don’t even know if he’s in the house?”

“Wait so John’s not like out there?” Cole asked me his eyes widening.

I shook my head. I wanted my brother back. I didn’t want to think about how hurt he probably was or how upset I was. I just wanted him and my mum back. I wanted my brother and my mum here because my body was so sore and I was so tired and I just wanted to have one of them to tell me it was ok. Even if I knew it wouldn’t be because that was better than sitting here and pretending everything was fine when it was so far from fucking fine.

“I should huh…you know what? I’m going to relieve Pat of baby duty and let him come in here ok? Because if it weren’t for the kids I bet you he would have started flipping out like 20 minutes ago when we got here. So I’ll tell him your sore ok? And that there’s stuff going on. That way he’s aware in case you want to talk about anything and I’ll go watch the kids,” Cole told me to which I nodded my head, “Just so you know I’m sorry you’re back. Not because I don’t care about you but because you deserve better.”

“Speaking of us being back…,” I said feeling my face get warm, “Pat told me…”

“Yeah, he told me he told you. I’m with Tosh. You understand that don’t you?” He asked me.

“Yes,” I said nodding my head, “Do you…?”

“If those feelings are still there, I’m not saying they aren’t. It will take a lot of time for me to believe it’s ok. I refuse to be like that guy you met in Montana ok?”

Which that he left. So, he did seem happy to see me but scared. Upset that I was back but excited all at once. Now that was confusing and it still made my stomach flutter slightly. At least when things weren’t serious and dark. He still made me feel human and he still wanted to take care of me.

It didn’t take long before I heard Pat’s almost stomping footsteps coming up to my door.

“Hey man,” Pat said smiling at me, “So, heard you were sore?”

“I’ll be ok,” I said nodding my head, “Mostly just tired.”

“Cole told me you have something to say about where John is?” Pat asked me sitting down in the chair by my bedside.

“I don’t know where he is. I haven’t seen him since yesterday morning. I think he’s in the house but I’m not really sure. Mum’s gone. Yesterday Uncle Ben took care of everyone and I’m sc…”

“They all seem ok. I’m not sure that helps you any but they all seem like their normal perplexed little selves. They’re worried about you and John, who they call Jack now. And your Mum but otherwise they seem ok,” Pat tried to assure me.

“Yeah, Da’s going to be pissed when he hears that,” I mumbled.

“That they call him Jack? Why?” he asked me.

“I don’t know. He got really mad earlier when I said it though. How are you doing?” I asked him.

“I’ve had a contract since a couple week after you guys left. It kind of…” he went quiet looking at his lap before he shrugged his shoulders, “I understand why everyone in one always says it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. My Dad gave him a key to the house. He can just come in anytime he wants and I’m not…It’s the same rules just one more person that has control over me. It kind of sucks. A lot.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know,” I said.

“It’s ok. It’ll be fine it’s only a year. And it’s not constantly it’s like 3 times a week,” Pat said, “So you’re not even really sure where he is?”

“No,” I shook my head, “Thank you for staying though. I just my body is really tired. Dr. Palmer said I have a…tear?”

He looked at me, “Your first?”

I nodded my head.

“That sucks. Those itch and burn like a mother fucker. It’ll take a little bit to heal Lionel will give you the time though. He’s a sick twisted asshole but he treats his boys better than he ever would any throwaway,” Pat told me.

“I’m my whole body hurts. Like burns.”

“Well, your legs aren’t meant to hold up 160 or more pounds of extra weight. They’re only made to hold up well, you. Not someone else,” Pat said, “So yeah, it’s going to hurt. You’re going to be walking like your sore once you can walk again because I’m assuming right now it’s pretty difficult which is why you’ve kind of stayed in bed.”

“That and I need to shit myself every 20 minutes or so,” I admitted.

“Yes, that can be an annoying part of life after they…Cole said last night wasn’t easy for you,” Pat told me.

“I just…I’d rather not talk about it,” I told him.

“Considering you just spent the better part of 8 months pervert free I don’t blame you,” Pat said, “John kept in touch. He said you were doing better while you were gone.”

“What does that mean?” I asked him.

“Letting go of some stuff. That you talked about some things about your Uncle and your Dad.” Pat told me.

I nodded my head. I hate talking about it. About how similar my situation with Uncle Ben was when compared to John’s with Da. It was something we had talked about. How we suspected that Uncle Ben was in love with me. That I was important to him somehow. Just like John was to Da.

“I’ll never love him,” I said, “Not that I would be allowed to chose to if I wanted to. Not while I’m with Lionel.”

“Yeah, he never mentioned that to me. I wondered why at first and then just figured for whatever reason you just haven’t said anything,” Pat said smiling at me.

“I was going to. It was going to be on Wednesday. Mum and Julie thought I should since I had. He scares me, Pat, he scares me so much and he…” I managed feeling my lip start to tremble.

“It’s ok Will. You’re brave, ok? You’ve already seen him and you’re ok. I mean yeah your body is sore but you’re ok. You’re going to be ok,” Pat tried to assure me.

“You don’t know him, Pat,” I said shaking my head, “First time I was alone with him he kept telling me I was pretty. He made me make out with him. I’d never…you know with anyone else before. Not ever. I’d never even thought about it. And he just…”

“Hey, do you need a glass of water? You’re shaking. Maybe you shouldn’t talk about this right now. You have anxiety issues. Speaking of John told me you were on medication. Did you bring it with you?”

I shook my head. Julie had made me talk to a doctor who had put me on medication. Most of us were on something. Matt and John were on a ton of stuff and Catty had just gone off her medication in the last month. Most us took something for anxiety or panic attacks. Mike took stuff for ADD and Depression. John took stuff for depression, anxiety and something else for other issues. Matt took a ton of shit. He took a mood stabilizer to help with his mood swings and anger issues, something for depression to help with that and did have a pill for anxiety which could also appear as a tantrum or outburst of anger. He also took something to help him control his thoughts because he had sworn up and down several times they didn’t feel like his thoughts but like someone else’s. 

For some reason, Mum and Julie had made me a very important part of his therapy. I had heard him talk about the stuff he wanted to do and near the end of it in our last session, he had admitted he was scared of himself because he loved them. He didn’t want to hurt them but when he closed his eyes that’s what he saw happening. He saw himself in dreams doing things to Andy and Mac like Da had done to us. Done to him and it scared him. Outside of therapy though I hadn’t seen any hint of empathy or fear until that night when we were fighting in the kitchen. But without his medication, I didn’t see that part of him lasting very long at all.

“Do you think if you talked to your Da he’d let you all see someone to get it back?” Pat asked me.

“Probably not,” I answered him, “Da is very…”

“Controlling,” Pat finished, “If it’s not his idea then it’s not worth pursuing I get that. Ok, I do. You and John both need something though and I fucking wish…”

“Getting upset won’t help anyone. I’m trying really hard to not lose my shit here,” I admitted.

“Well,” Pat smiled at me sadly, “I have a word of advice about that. After the kids are in bed tonight maybe you should. Maybe you should let yourself lose your shit. Go downstairs and punch some walls. Yell, swear. Scream for god sakes. How do you think your mum and John do it? They let themselves lose their shit so they don’t go insane and right now these kids are depending on you. If you have to lose your shit do it. That’s my suggestion. You have no idea how often John and I would go out just so he could cry because he was so fucking stressed all the time. You guys are wound tight. You are even more….John cries. You don’t cry. You hardly ever cry and it’s not healthy. He said you were getting better at doing that but, let yourself lose it sometimes ok?”

“I do now,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “I’ve just been so tired.”

“And everyone can understand that Will,” Pat said, “All things considered in my personal opinion it’s amazing you’re talking. Mike said last night you would barely talk.”

“He told you what happened?” I asked Pat.

“He told me you came upstairs naked and that you were sobbing and you could barely walk. That he kept asking you what had happened and all you did was shake your head and cry that you screamed a little bit. That it scared him and James. That Matt wasn’t sure what to do. Matt seems better then he was by the way. He says it’s because of you,” Pat said.

“He’s, he has problems,” I told Pat, “He did something to Mike. A lot of things but Mike told him how he felt about it and it seems to have snapped him out of it somehow.”

“He seems more normal then he was before he left. Less angry,” Pat commented.

“That’s only until his medication is out of his system then he’s going to go to what he was before. It won’t be good,” I told him.

“Well, Do you need me to do anything for you? Help you get to the bathroom? Grab you some food? Make everyone else some food? I’m yours to command. I’m here to help you. ok? Even if John isn’t around for whatever reason I have your back ok?”

“Da said he wants me to help him interview Nannies later,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “So just making sure everyone is taken care of while I try to not die from the pain in my legs. How did I deal with this before?”

“Well,” Pat said, “When was the…last time that it was more than one person?”

“The party,” I answered, “Jai and him together.”

“Does it feel kind of like that?” he asked me.

I thought back to it. Trying to remember the physical feeling. How bad my legs had burned for at least three days after. It was similar. Very similar. I nodded my head.

“Yeah it comes from …well, I’m sure you know what it comes from,” Pat muttered.

“Speaking of can you…? I have to use the bathroom again,” I told him as he stood up grabbing my arm to help me stand and get me to the bathroom before I shit all over myself, “Thanks,” I muttered before shutting the door on him.

It sucked. Being sick to your stomach sucks. When I came back out Da was standing in my bedroom, “You look like you’re in pain.”

“I’m fine,” I lied, “So, Nannies?”

“Yeah come on I’ll fill you in,” Da said as we walked to the lift, “Ok I narrowed it down to three people. Did I tell you that earlier? Vickie Wall, Samantha Shannon, and Alice Narrow. Vickie is 23 and Samantha is almost 25 she would have her own kid who would be coming to work with her. Alice does have a son who is 16 who would be coming to work with her on the weekends to help. They all come highly recommended one from Zach Cross one from Sam and then Alice has one from the Morrows and Lionel. So it should be interesting.”

So these nannies worked for the brotherhood? That made me nervous it made me wonder what type of people they were. If they were like Susan or if they were worse. Or if they were like mum and just kind of trapped the lift opening as we got out on the second floor me blinking heavily before I yawned.

“Are you ok honey?” he asked me to which I nodded my head, “You look so much older for some reason.”

“Da I’m fine,” I insisted, “So what I just sit there with you and listen to them to talk?”

“Something like that, yeah,” Da said putting his hand on my shoulder, “ Dr. Palmer talked to me. About what’s going on with…you know? He said four weeks?”

I felt my face turn bright red. I didn’t want to think about that. Think about what that meant. Him asking that. It meant he wanted to…I really didn’t. I nodded my head not sure what else there was to say.

“That’s ok,” he said kissing the back of my neck, “We’ll do other things to spend time together. Let’s go and make sure the living is set up. I made some coffee and put out some cookies. If you want to you can read their files before they get here. Vickie is coming first. I think John goes to school with one of his boys.”

“They’re all like you?” I asked him.

“You mean their families are like ours and they practice real love expression? Yes, honey. That’s why I took their recommendations because these nannies know about that and understand those beliefs and how important it is for them to follow directions. So we’re going to…” he said this as we were walking towards the living room. The doorbell rang Da smiling at me and nodding at me to keep walking towards the living room which I did as I heard him answer the door.

When I sat down I turned around to see this young woman walking in. She almost looked like a teenager her hair blonde and curly. She looked friendly enough but was dressed away too fancy to be a nanny her nails long and red. I thought she looked weird Da walking in and sitting down on the couch next to me putting his arm around my shoulder causing me to tense, “Vickie this is my second oldest William.”

“And how much are you going to pay me to keep that a secret?” she asked a cocky smile on her face as she used two of her manicured nails to point at us as he pulled me close to his side, “Because Zach paid me about 100k a year and for everything I walked in on that he didn’t want repeating he gave me a 3,000k bonus and a 10 day vacation to whatever country of my choice. It was a nice perk. Do you pimp him out?”

What?

“Excuse me?” Da asked.

“Well, I mean I don’t know how hard it is to find nannies like me but I’m not exactly going to pretend I don’t know you have a secret boner for your “son” right now. If he is your son. Is he?”

“Yes, this is really my son,” Da said, “And I’m not sure I like your attitude. I was going to ask you some actual interview questions but if this is how you are going to treat my children and me I’ll give you the 5,000 for coming to the interview after you sign the non-disclosure form on the table next to the tea and you can be on your way. I wanted a real nanny I have five under the age of five. I need someone who will change diapers.”

“Yeah I don’t do diapers sorry,” she said picking up a Pen that was laying next to the tea tray, “This paper right?” she asked tapping her red index finger against the non-disclosure agreement.

“That’s the one, yes,” Da said as she signed it and he wrote her a check handing it to her.

“Have a good day thank you,” she said.

Da sneered at her and nodded her head as she let herself out. Was that what they were all going to be like? That made me wonder what kind of people these were and made me thankful she had turned down the job. I wouldn’t want her near them. Not if she was like that. She would probably throw one of them at Uncle Ben the first time he asked to be alone with them. The thought sending a shiver down my spine.

“Nannies who work with families like ours are sometimes like that. In it for the money. Last time I listen to Zach. He didn’t tell me why she quit just that she had. It was probably because he and his wife had another. So do you want to know anything about the next one since I didn’t have a chance to tell you anything about that one?” he asked me.

“Why did you ask her to come to the house if she was just…,” he didn’t let me finish.

“On the phone, she sounded like she had your well being in mind. She said she had worked with Zach and his kids for years. Her Dad is Brotherhood. However, that happens with the girls when you don’t take care of them. They become brats. I don’t want your sisters to become brats hence why I’m paying exclusion fees. I would rather raise them to be right to understand their place in the world and that they have to earn things and not have it just handed to them.” He told me.

That made me wonder what raising them “right” meant in his book but I figured it probably wasn’t good. It also made me wonder how they were supposed to “earn” things. If he wanted them to “earn” things the same way he made John earn things, me earn things. It broke my heart. Thinking of him doing that to Catty. Eventually to Laura. That didn’t seem fair. They should have been spared from that. It wasn’t fair to do that to them.

“What do you mean earn things?” I dared to ask.

“Well, you and John and your brothers are earning your educations. You’re earning your college funds. Your sisters are going to be earning affection. They are going to be earning good husbands who will give them what they need as long as they do what they’re told. You understand?” Da asked me.

I nodded my head. So he meant that if they did what he wanted he’d make sure they got married to guys who would treat them halfway decent. Like he treated mum which was like shit. If they didn’t it would be worse. He’d find a way to make it worse. But me, I got to be a fucking whore so I could “earn” my education. So I could be something. It made me wonder which was worse. Having to please Da and his friends sexually in order to earn an education worth a damn or just to please Da sexually so he would set me up with a husband that would treat me like shit. And probably treat my kids the same way. Both seemed like losing options.

“You want to know anything about Samantha?” He asked me.

“Did she go to school?” I asked him.

“She’s going to community college. She has a two-year-old son that would be coming to work with her sometimes. She just got married a couple years ago her dad raised her in the brotherhood so she understands how it all works. What a woman’s place is. She understands how important what you boys do is. She understands how important it is for your futures. And I’m hoping she’ll understand how it’s …more important than just that. Since we have a couple of minutes why don’t we just relax huh Honey?”

He leaned into me pushing me sideways into the arm of the sofa trying to turn my body so I was facing him. I didn’t want to mess around. Not on the couch. Not where someone could just walk in Da grabbing me hard by the chin and turning my face to his making me kiss him. His hands going to my pants.

“DA,” I said, “Dr. Palmer said…” I barely managed before he stuck his hand down my sweatpants.

“He said no butt stuff he didn’t say no other stuff,” he whispered in my ear, grabbing me as I grabbed his wrists. 

My whole body was still so sore. Especially down there, everything burned. Just sitting hurt, the pain radiating from my hips downwards. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t…

“Da please,” I begged him biting into my neck pushing me backward, “Daddy. Daddy, I’m sore please.” I said starting to cry.

He stopped, his mouth breaking away from my skin with a pop as he looked at me, “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. Lionel?”

Was it Lionel? He had raped me twice, he had rimmed me, blown me, he had done a lot of things to me the day before. So yeah probably. It was probably mostly due to Lionel and his inability to keep his dick out of my ass. To keep his hands and his mouth to himself. Just like Da was proving it would become a problem for him too. I nodded my head closing my eyes trying to calm myself down. Trying to tell myself it was ok. That it didn’t matter because Da…Da wouldn’t make me do that if Lionel was doing it. He wouldn’t be that cruel. And he loved John he didn’t love me. Not like that. Never like that.

“I’m sorry Honey I didn’t realize he was so rough ok? I’m sorry,” he said, “HEY!” he said loudly grabbing my chin, “look at me. I said I was sorry ok?”

I reluctantly I lifted my eyes to meet his nodding my head. He didn’t look sorry. He was the one who had basically sold me to Lionel. He was the only one to blame for what Lionel did me. How he made me feel like I couldn’t breathe. Like I didn’t …I was nothing. Like I wasn’t worth anything.

“You believe me?” he asked me his tone softening.

“Aye,” I muttered.

“Good,” he said, “I wish he wouldn’t have made you so sore. I would have enjoyed having you tonight. Speaking of I’ve been meaning to ask you about something.”

“What?” I asked him quietly.

“Well you are getting older, both you and John and I was wondering if you wanted to get a bed upgrade. It would be a queen sized. It would make more sense just because you’re both getting so big. What do you think about that?”

He wanted to get us queen sized beds? Why though? It wasn’t like I was six feet tall. I was five three. Sure that was tall for being 11 and it was taller than Mum and about as tall as John but I didn’t think it was abnormally tall and it wasn’t tall enough to need a queen-sized bed. The idea just being weird for me. I had been sharing a twin sized bunk bed with no one for the first six months and then with John for the last two while Mike slept in one on the other side of the room. I didn’t need a queen-sized bed. Just then there was another knock on the door.

“That should be her,” he said smiling before he leaned over and kissed my cheek and got up going to answer the door.

At the time I didn’t realize it because I thought he really wanted my option. That he wanted to know what I thought of these people but I was a prop. He was reading them reading how they reacted to the way he interacted with me. How they reacted to how he touched me. Because he didn’t want someone who would make a deal about certain things. Inappropriate things.

When she came in she looked more like what I thought a nanny should. She was wearing glasses and a nice blouse with a pair of black slacks and she smiled at me, “Hi I’m Sam. And you are?”

“That’s William. He’s my second,” Da said sitting down and putting his arm around my shoulder.

“And how old are the kids again?” Sam asked sitting down in the chair directly across the coffee table from my dad.

“Well, the oldest two are 13 and 11. You wouldn’t really be watching them but more their younger siblings. After them, I have 2 that are nine, one that is 6 one that’s 5 two that are 3 one that is almost 2 and two more that will be 1 in October.”

“That’s a lot of them,” she said.

“Well, the older four more or less watch themselves. Right now this one has been taking care of the younger ones mostly. But that’s why we’re looking for someone,” Da said removing his hand from my shoulder and putting it on my leg rubbing my outer thigh making me tense.

“Can I ask why that is exactly?” Sam said her eyes glancing down at my Da’s hand and then glancing at me. Her body language visibly changing. Her sitting up a little straighter as she noticed his hand lazily petting my leg.

“Well, their mother was feeling unwell. There were some things that happened. I do believe her doctor said it was related to postpartum depression. So we had to check her in somewhere for treatment. It’s been difficult for everyone and school is starting soon and I work full time so a nanny is needed. Can you tell me about your time with Morrows?” da asked her.

“Well, I worked for them before I got married. Mostly it was just babysitting. They..they’re a gay couple who love their son. He’s adopted.” She said giving him a tight smile.

“You seem slightly nervous? Is everything ok? Did you have any problems with them?” he asked her.

“Well, I left their employment. I’m not at liberty to say why but, they are a good couple. They really care about their son and are looking to adopt again.”

“Ok, Samantha I’m going to be honest with you here. I know your father. He said that you were very good with children and the Morrows also said you were good with them so I'm wondering what your stance is on our teachings.”

“Teachings?” she asked shaking her head at him, “I…look. My younger brother committed suicide because of my father's teachings. It’s not something I am ok with. It is something that I understand but I don’t agree with it. If that’s why you asked me to interview for you I’m going to make it clear that I won’t put my nose where it doesn’t belong but I will not stand by and just let it happen if I see something. I will tell you it makes me uncomfortable. If that’s not ok with you sir I am not the person you looking for. My stance on that is what goes on behind the doors in your home is your business you’re in charge but and with a lot of kids neither you nor I can make a guarantee that I won’t see something. So I think I am going to decline your offer. That and each member of all of that does things a little differently and honestly believe it should be a child’s choice. My Dad did not agree with that sentiment and I have a feeling you don’t either. That was my big thing with the Marrows. Their son would scream and cry and I can’t…that’s very stressful for me.”

“Ok,” Da said nodding his head, “Well, I still appreciate you coming and letting me know that.”

“I was honestly hoping there would be a chance it would work out but I see that you passionately care for your sons even though it doesn’t seem like your son returns those affections,” she said which caused Da to look at me.

I felt my face heating up. So he was going to blame this on me. I was pretending good enough, acting good enough to convince her he wasn’t a pervert that was forcing me into it. That he wasn’t forcing me to have sex with him or anyone else he wanted me to. Him sighing sadly as she shook his hand politely before he walked her to the door.

“You need to relax,” he said before he sat down on the couch next to me, “You tensed. You tensed and she noticed. It scared her away.”

“I wasn’t..expecting it,” I told him.

“We were just making out Honey,” he sighed looking at me, “You think just because I can respect that you’re sore and sympathize I’m not going to want to touch you? Come on, you know me. You know me better than that. I love you guys. I like being close to you guys.”

“I’m sorry Da,” I said, “I just…my body is so sore Daddy.”

“Oh, honey. Does it really hurt that bad? Do you want to go upstairs and lay down? I’ll help you get the third floor. You’ll be able to sleep for a little bit. Especially if I hire this nanny ok? You just go and lay down for a while and don’t worry about anything. If you're still sore later I’ll call doctor Palmer. Do you think it’s just because your body isn’t used to being loved that way anymore? Do you think that’s why it hurts so badly?”

I nodded my head. Before Uncle Ben on the plane ride home and my two times with Beau, I hadn’t been penetrated in about seven months. I had experienced more sexual activity in last three days then I had in a whole six months. Like I said I felt raw, my legs burned my asshole stung and itched and I wasn’t in the mood to discuss why or have tongues and mouths and hands all over my body.

“Ok, well if this interview goes well hopefully we’ll be able to send Cole and Pat home and you can rest. I am sorry, you know? It wouldn’t have hurt you so badly if your body was still accustomed to it. If your mum wouldn’t have taken you boys away,” Da said to me.

I nodded my head. I knew he was right. It didn’t make it hurt any less that he thought that made it ok though. That he actually thought it was ok to make me…to make out with me, to have people push into me, inside of me until it hurt. Until my body couldn’t take it anymore. 

I think that was the first time I realized it, the look on his face as he said that. That he believed it was ok. That he honestly believed it was how you loved someone. It made me understand something. That the world was fucked up. That Da did it to John more often because he loved John more than he loved anyone else. That Matt was jealous of that fact. That’s why he hated John. That I was just the kid sandwiched in the middle that could see both sides of it. That none of it was ok. That Da would do it to every one of us and it didn’t matter mum said or whatever the rest of the world had to say if someone wasn’t a part of the brotherhood or people who shared those ideas it didn’t matter to my Da what they thought. Everyone else was wrong and only the brotherhood was right, only he was right.

I remember sitting there in silence with him letting him pull me into him, forcing me to rest my head on his chest as he combed his fingers through my hair. As he looked at me, watched me and talked lazily telling me things about the next person we were interviewing. That she had been Louis’ nanny for a while. That she was older, even older than Da. That she had taken care of Louis and Teddy. That Lionel recommended her because she was old-fashioned. If she ever did see something she pretended she didn’t. That she had never questioned him or Susan about anything that happened in the house. That she did her job and at the end of the day went home to her son and that was it. He talked about how that sounded ideal in his opinion.

When he heard the knock on the door he got up and let her in, sitting back down nearly pulling me back into his lap my body protesting as he pulled at me.

“Is he ok? He looks tired,” Alice commented looking at me.

“Yeah, he’s had a rough couple of days. His mom took him and his siblings. She had some delusions that I was hurting them. The doctor called it postpartum psychosis or something like that. But they were gone for a while.”

“She didn’t hurt them did she?” Alice asked looking at us closely, his arm wrapped around my back his hand traveling up and down above my shirt.

“Oh no, nothing like that. I don’t think she’s dangerous to them. The doctor disagrees but she seems to have confused them slightly. Now your recommendation letter is glowing it’s from my boss actually Lionel Lord. He said that you were great with his grandsons. Now I have four older boys that basically take care of themselves and then the rest are younger. They’ll be the ones your mostly taking care of. They are ranging from the ages of 6 to 9months. Is that a problem?”

Alice smiled and shook her head, “Not at all. It actually might be nice to have some young ones to chase around. I find it keeps you feeling young. Watching them grow and helping them learn. They say if you don’t move around enough to makes you lazy. Chasing young ones you’re never not moving,” she said.

“That’s true. Now I have a question for you about discipline. In my house, we do things a little diffi…”

Alice cut him off, “I believe that’s up to the parents. I had a single mama growing up and when there was a man in the house it was his house. He decided on all of that. I believe that the only way to keep a family stable is to have a man lead in his house. I’m here to do a job which is help you lead your house the way you see fit sir. I’m not here to argue with you or contradict you or get in your way. Whatever goes on here while I’m gone, that’s on you. Whatever happens behind a door that’s on you. Now Mr. Lord is…a unique man and I’m assuming you’re getting that you might similar in ideas and as long as the benefits are good enough I have no problems with that and I will try and make things run as smoothly as possible.”

So, she was like them then? She would let someone rape us and wouldn’t say anything just because he was our Da. At that time I didn’t understand how that was possible. Why someone would be that way but I was 11. I was rich. I didn’t understand the struggle of poverty in the same way an adult would. I understood it was hard. My mum having to work two jobs almost daily while we were in Montana and her never being home our only saving Grace the fact that Carmen and Bob wanted to help us. To support us otherwise it would have been me on my own with them more often than not. Some days it had been but most of the time Carmen was there at least until Cat and everyone else younger than her was in bed. 

So I had seen some struggles but there was a lot of things that mum had hidden pretty well. Like the fact that when she went shopping on Sundays with Carmen they went to the food pantry. That she had food stamps because even with work 60 plus hours a week and two jobs she couldn’t afford to feed us all. That there were a couple of times where Carmen and Bob had advanced her money or let her borrow it so that our electric stayed on. Those were things I didn’t learn until I was older but when I did learn them I understood why being poor like that could make you look the other way about certain things. Especially if you had the choice of looking the other way and getting paid well to do it or had trouble qualifying for a job where you would make that type of money otherwise.

“Good, and you said you could start today?” Da asked her.

“If that’s what you need I can start right now,” she said giving me a sad smile, “However I would like to put this one to bed first if I’m hired that is.”

“Of course,” Da said, “He’s just jet-lagged and tired. I’m sure you can understand why.”

“Ok well then let’s take him upstairs and get him settled in,” she said her southern drawl getting more pronounced with her excitement or assurance me not able to tell which.

“You want to go all the way upstairs honey?” Da asked me kissing my forehead as he helped me sit up him glancing at her to see what her reaction to it would be.

“I…” I started but then nodded my head.

I would rather be close by. Close enough to hear them, and see if she was being nice to them or if she was going to be mean. I didn’t trust her. Not if she was that ok with knowing what Da was doing and had basically said she would let it go on and not question it. 

“Ok,” Da said picking me up before I could protest, “Come on I’ll show you where you’ll mostly be working. They have their own floor with their own living areas, own kitchen. Mostly you’re being expected to prepare food and look after the little ones. The older kids like I said pretty much take care of themselves and are there if you need help. I mean if they get ill or something, of course, you’ll help them as well but mostly they just do their own thing. Will is going to be easier to deal with than John. John is 13 going on 30 the boy thinks he knows everything. If he ever gets in your way just tell him you’re doing what I told you and that I’m in charge. He’ll back off. My kids know they don’t want me upset with them.”

“Then they are smart kids,” Was all Alice replied with.

I found that telling. That she didn’t ask him why or say that he shouldn’t use fear to control us but more that we were smart. It made me wonder what kind of life she had led that she knew enough not to question it. Not to put her nose in his business. Them talking as he held me before he walked with her to my room and he tucked me into bed shutting the door as they left and went down the hallway. I wanted to know what else they talked about but my body really was sore and tired. Me finding it almost impossible to find the strength to get up once I was back in bed. My complaints getting the best of me as I managed to drift off to sleep.


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will has a long talk with Matty before he manages to get some rest only to be woken up in the middle of the night by a baby crying to find Da in the nursery. Da sends him back to bed where he tosses and turns only to wake from a nightmare and have a little boy crawl into his bed looking for some form of safety.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 897 to 947 a long chapter I know. **Warnings: Talking of rape/non-con, talk of child sexual abuse, talk of mental health issues, talk of depression, Talk of anxiety, talk of PTSD, cuddling, flashbacks.** There's a shit ton of dialogue in this chapter. Might be the only chapter I post this week. **John Part 2 Chapter 3**

I woke up to the feeling of a hand on my forehead. A small hand but not the hand of a child. It felt warm and smelt like lavender causing me to open my eyes. It was Alice.

“I didn’t mean to wake you William,” she sighed, “I just came in to check. See if you were ok.”

I wasn’t sure what to think of her. She seemed nice but then had said that she would never interfere. To me that was confusing. Because like I said before I didn’t understand how someone who was nice could stand by and know that Da was doing that to us and not say anything. Not try to stop him. The question falling out of my mouth before I could stop it.

“You know what he does right?”

She looked at me and sighed pointing at the chair by my desk, “Do you mind? Just for a minute or so.”

I nodded my head indicating she could sit down her doing so and crossing her legs at the ankles as she sat there. I remember liking the way her skin looked. How it was so dark. I don’t know why but it made me want to feel her hand on my head again, the way it had felt silky and soft. The way it had smelled so nice. How even though she wasn’t mum I had felt something coming from her. Some sort of desire to take care of me, her want to nurture. To keep me calm.

“I …,” she started before sighing smiling at me sadly, “You are a brave brave young man William. I know it’s hard to understand why someone who knows your Daddy is hurting you wouldn’t say anything to help but, I’ve worked with people like him before. They have connections that would always get them out of trouble. The best thing I can do, the best way to help you and your siblings is to teach you kids how to not make them angry. That might seem hard to understand but, that will help you more in the long run then me trying to tell someone. Because I can promise you they would send me away and then I wouldn’t be able to help at all. You understand what I’m saying?”

I thought I did. I wanted to believe her. That she was doing it to help us. It didn’t feel like help though. Not at the time. Me nodding my head quietly as I looked at her.

“Good, you want me to call you Will or Willy?” she asked me.

“Will,” I told her to which she nodded her head, “Well Will today I have everything covered so you don’t have to worry about a thing. I want you to rest up and when supper is ready I’ll bring it to you. If I need you for anything I’ll let you know but, you should try your best to just worry about you. Ok?”

I nodded my head, “Are Pat and Cole still here?” I asked her.

“Those two boys? I sent them home. They are here for you and Johnathan and I don’t know where he is and you need your rest. I don’t know what happened to make you seem so ill and tired and I won’t ask but I think it’s most important that you rest and get yourself healthy all right? They seem like fine young men and offered to stay to help me but, I want the young ones to get used to me. You understand that, right?”

“Yes Ma’am,” I said.

“You can call me Alice or Auntie Alice. No, Ma’am. I might be older than your Mama but I am not that old yet,” she told me to which I nodded my head.

“Thank you,” I told her, “For helping, for…”

“No need to thank me. Just …you know, rest,” she said before she put that chair back and left shutting the door as she went.

I did still feel tired. My body thankful it wasn’t moving that it got to stay where it was. I was still worried about them but I believed honestly that Alice wouldn’t hurt them. That it would be ok someone knocking my bedroom door again and opening it. I was surprised to see Matt.

He wasn’t usually the type to come and check on someone if they were hurt unless it was to gloat. To make fun of them. But he looked at me his eyes not mad or void of emotion but more cautious or curious. 

“You want to come sit?” I asked him gesturing to the end of my bed and sitting up him softly sitting down where my feet had just been.

“Are you ok?” he asked me quietly like he was unsure of himself. Unsure of what he wanted to say or if he even really wanted to know.

I shrugged my shoulders, “I will be. Is there something on your mind Matty?”

“Just…I know you think I don’t like you but, it’s not that,” he said bringing up something we had talked about in therapy together.

“I know,” I said, “I remember you and Julie explained that to me. That instead of getting scared, you get angry sometimes? We talked about how that’s ok. That everyone needed to try and be more understanding about it? Did something happen? Something you want to talk about?”

“I didn’t mean to hurt him,” Matt told me, “I love him, Willy, I do. I just. I thought being back he would…I didn’t realize he didn’t like it.”

Ah. He was talking about Mike and what he had done to him. I got a feeling that Mike didn’t always make his feelings clear to Matt even if he told me about them. That he and Matt had a hard time sometimes. Mike obviously loved Matt deeply but sometimes I think he felt like he couldn’t be heard.

“Well, one way that I always try to tell what a person is feeling is by looking in their eyes,” I told him, “Usually I can kind of see it. I’ve noticed when Mike doesn’t like something or doesn’t want to talk about something he folds his arms in front of his chest. When he’s mad he kind of squints a little bit. You just have to work on reading people. We talked about that remember?”

“It’s not fair. It’s not fair that everyone else knows and I…I don’t,” he told me.

“You just have to watch people. We talked about that. How your brain is a little different. It’s just going to take time,” I told him.

“And what about the thoughts?” he asked me.

He hadn’t talked a lot about that to me personally. What they entailed but he had told me they bothered him, the thoughts of wanting to hurt people. To do the things Da did.

“When you have those thoughts, don’t go to Uncle Ben or Da come to me ok? We’ll talk about it,” I told him.

“You’ll hate me,” he told me.

“No,” I said shaking my head, “I’ll only be mad at you if you do something. Remember? We were talking about that last week before you were going to do a home visit? Mum and I and John all said that if you did something that was when we would be mad but we wouldn’t be mad if you talked about it.”

“Can I..?” he sighed looking at me and shaking his head.

“Hey, you can be honest ok? What are you thinking about?” I asked him.

“Mac,” he said his face going red.

He seemed really upset about it. Not like he would have been before. Before he would have smiled thinking about whatever it was about Mac he was focused on. It made me think the medication was working or had been working. He’d been without it for three days.

“What about him?”

“I saw Alice changing him,” he told me.

“Ok, what else?” I asked him to which he shrugged his shoulders, “Ok how about you sit in here with me until you can think of something else ok? Does that sound like a good idea?”

He nodded his head, “It wouldn’…”

“It would. We’ve talked about this remember. Once he got old enough to understand it would hurt him. That you did that. I know Da tells you it wouldn’t but look at you, Matty. Look at how you act. Don’t you think that hurt your head? That it might have made you the way you are?”

He sighed heavily looking at me thinking about what I had said, “ok.”

He wanted to touch them. Not to hurt them but that’s what it would end up doing. Mum had come up with a plan for him to come and talk and sit with me or John or her if the feeling hit him. It was supposed to be a home visit or a trial weekend to see how well he handled it. To see if he could come home for good and instead they had come.

They had come and gotten all of us. It was like giving him a fire pit to light a candle instead of a match. He wasn’t ready to deal with this. Being around them. At least not being around them all the time.

“Why do I have to be sick?” he asked me suddenly frowning like he was angry. Like he was mad at …everything.

“It just happened ok? Like I have anxiety. You can fight it. You know you can.”

“I DON’T WANT TO!” he hissed at me causing me to blink.

“Am I going to have to lock us in here? I can and I will until you calm down,” I told him.

“Why?” he said going back to calm so fast it almost gave me whiplash.

“To make sure you can calm down and control yourself,” I told him.

“I’m not allowed to do anything anyway,” He told me, “So you really want me to stay here.”

“If you’re going to be nice. If you aren’t I’ll throw you in my bathroom and sit against the door until you decide you can be. It’s all a matter of you wanting to be nice. You can do it you just very often choose not to. Be Bruce,” I told him.

“Ok,” he said, “Do you wonder if it ever feels the same?”

“What?” I asked him.

“You know, having it touched when you're little as compared to being bigger?” he asked me.

“Matt, don’t think about it. Think about something else ok?” I told him.

“Is it weird that I’m trying to remember? I was little I know I was little he told me,” Matt said.

“Don’t think about it. You’re only going to upset yourself so just…let it go. I’ll talk to Alice I’ll make sure she doesn’t change them in front of you anymore ok?” I told him.

“Ok,” he said, “Are you going to tell Da? About this?”

“How would that help any of us? My ass is already sore and it’s partly because of him. You hurting someone or wanting to hurt someone without his permission isn’t going to make him happy. So, we’re not going to say anything. Can you cuddle with me?”

He gave me a thoughtful look and then smiled causing me to shake my head, “Never mind.”

“Oh, come on,” he said, “It might be fun.”

“No,” I said shaking my head, “You touch me with that look on your face and I will…you will be punched.”

“Fuck,” he muttered.

“MATT!” I said.

“What? It’s fun, ok? It’s fun and at least you know what’s happening. Mike…”

“That’s why you never knew Mike didn’t like it because you made him feel like he had to say yes even though he didn’t want to. Remember? So, don’t even think about it. You keep your hands to yourself. If you want to cuddle with me you can but you keep your hands away from places that I tell you not to touch ok? Do you think that might calm you down a little bit?”

“Maybe,” he told me even though he seemed annoyed with the idea crawling up the bed.

He sighed as I put my arm around him. I wondered about his impulse problems and if this was a good idea but that maybe he needed the experience of sitting there with someone without putting his hands on their crotch. I was tired. My crotch was not in the mood to be grabbed again. Him leaning into me and closing his eyes as he laid with me.

“I wasn’t ready to come back yet,” he told me honestly, “I can feel it. I wasn’t ready yet.”

“We’ll be ok. I’ll try to help ok?” I tried to assure him.

I wasn’t sure there was much I could do but he seemed more aware of what was going on in his brain. Even if his mood swings were crazy but, at least they were there. At least he was showing emotion besides anger. Matty from before we left wouldn’t have shown anything but anger. He wouldn’t have taken my suggestion of cuddling with me and behaving himself he would have told me to fuck off and stomped out of the room.

“How about for the next day or so you just try to be a different room for a while?” I asked him.

“Andy’s so pretty though,” he said making me cringe.

I understood it. And I was trying not to judge it but that was one of the words Da used. He used it to describe me and the way I looked and Uncle Ben too or beautiful. The idea that someone could find Andy pretty especially his own brother hard for me to wrap my head around.

“Sorry,” Matt muttered feeling my body tense a little bit, “He is though. He doesn’t look like the rest of us.”

“You mean the fact that he has lighter hair almost white?” I asked to which he nodded his head, “Yeah, I don’t know where that comes from. I mean Da and Uncle Ben were both blonds when they were young and mum still has the same red hair she’s always had but, I’m not sure how he ended up that blond. But, just try to…not think of him like that.”

“It’s not even,” Matt sat up and turned around looking at me, “It’s hard to explain remember? I told you and Julie told you and mum that it’s hard to explain. I don’t want to…”

“You say that but then you’re still confused about what would hurt and what wouldn’t remember? There are different kinds of hurt. We talked about that,” I told him.

“And that’s why I know I’m not ready to be home,” he told me looking scared, “If I can’t understand the difference how do I know I won’t accidentally hurt him?”

“Think of it this way,” I tried, “If he wasn’t your brother and someone saw you touching him would they get upset with where your hands were? If you think that someone would and you would get in trouble for where you want to put your hands don’t put them there ok?”

“What if I want him to sit on my lap though?” he asked me.

“Don’t put him there,” I said shaking my head, “If you notice even when I cuddle with you guys most of the time I don’t put you on my lap. It’s because it looks weird. So that’s why I sit with you guys like this. It’s cuddling and it’s nice and close but it’s not awkward.”

“It doesn’t have to be awkward,” Matt said, “You just…do what feels good.”

Yeah, ok. I sighed heavily getting ready to move him grabbing my hand and keeping it on his shoulder. I felt weird. I was pretty sure he was trying to seduce me. Or he was thinking about it the way he had pulled on my arm putting it back around his shoulders.

“Don’t say stuff like that,” I told him.

“Because Da says stuff like that?” he asked me to which I nodded my head, “Ok. Sorry.”

“It’s ok. That and it kind of…never mind,” I said shaking my head as there was a knock on my bedroom door.

“Will is Matt in there?” Alice asked through the door.

“Yeah, I’m here Alice,” Matt told her.

“Well, supper is ready if you want to open the door for me so you can go eat yours and Will can have his,” Alice sighed to which Matt stood up and pulled the door open.

“Is everything ok in here?” Alice asked us.

“Yeah,” Matt said, “Willy I’m going to…”

“Wait for Alice,” I said taking the tray of food she was handing me, “Thank you, Alice.”  
“You’re welcome,” she said, “Your Daddy wants me leaving in about an hour and then I have tomorrow off.”

“Ok,” I said, “Have a good night. In case I don’t see you again.”

“Thank you Will. You too,” she told me shutting the door.

I ate and then fell back to sleep. They had really worn my body out to a point where everything just hurt. Still and it had been a little over 24 hours. I wondered how I had ever managed to deal with it before. My body feeling like it was dying around me. Like I was trapped in dying flesh my whole-body rebelling against me. I didn’t open my eyes again until later. Me hearing cries in the dark and somehow managing to pull myself out of bed.

I made my way to nursery my legs still shaky and uncertain to find the nursery door open Da standing in there rocking someone cooing to them, “That’s it baby girl. That’s it eat your food.”

“Da,” I said quietly getting his attention.

“Hi Honey. She wouldn’t stop crying. I was just trying to…,” he sighed looking down at Mary in his arms.

“That’s an annoyed cry,” I informed him, “Rocking with her would have done the same thing as the bottle you’re feeding her.”

“So, she’s not a night eater? Baby…I mean John, John was a night eater at this age,” Da told me.

“Is he ok?” I asked Da.

“He’s fine. He’s sleeping,” Da told me, “How did Alice work out?”

“I got to sleep,” I answered, “She made dinner but, Da?”

“Yes, honey?” Da asked me.

“She changed Mac in front of Matty and it…” I sighed trying to figure out how to word it, “It upset him a little bit.”

“I don’t know why,” Da said, “He used to like watching your mum change them. He told me about it once. He always used to ask if he could teach them. Show them he loved them. Did he change his mind about that?”

“I don’t know Da,” I told him.

Matty was really trying. He wouldn’t have ever come and talked to me about that before we had left. Hell, he might have found an excuse to get Alice to leave the room so he could touch him. So, he could do something to Mac without getting caught. He was getting better. He was trying to fight it.

“There is nothing wrong with expressing love for your brothers. You know that. Matty knows that too. Don’t worry about it. I’ll talk to him to make sure he understands that it’s not going to happen until I decide they are ready ok?” he told me sitting down in the rocking chair and rocking slowly with her.

“How do y…”

“It’s not your concern Will,” Da said, “My kids and I’ll do what I decide is best. Don’t question me. You always remind me of your mum when you do that.”

“I thought you loved her,” I said.

“I do Honey but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t annoy me sometimes. Hopefully, some of those habits will be gone when she comes back,” he told me.

“So, she is coming back?” I asked the idea making me hopeful.

“Yes, eventually,” he told me, “There will be some changes going on though. I think I’ll be giving her, her own room. They’ll be a nanny to help her so she won’t be so stressed so maybe this won’t happen again. Are you still sore?”

I nodded my head feeling my face heat up. Of course, I was sore. It would be sore for a couple of days and that shouldn’t matter anyway. I wasn’t supposed to have sex. Not for a couple of weeks.

“Can I ask you for a favor Honey?” Da asked me.

“What’s the favor?” I asked him.

“Don’t get in Matt’s way. Don’t tell him what’s ok and not ok. That’s my job. I want him to feel comfortable. If he comes to you to talk about things tell him to come to me ok?” Da said.

So, Da didn’t want me to stop him from molesting people. He didn’t want me protecting Andy and Mac and Shay. He didn’t want me telling Matt, reminding Matt why it was wrong. I felt sick to my stomach but nodded my head knowing I had no choice but to agree.

“Good,” Da said, “You can go back to sleep. I’ll finish putting her back down.”

“Are you sure Da?” I asked him.

“Don’t question me,” he warned, “Go lay down. I love you, honey, I’ll see you later ok?”

“I love you too,” I said nodding my head before I went to lay back down.

I found it harder to fall back to sleep. Me wondering if he had hurt any of them. I wouldn’t have put it past him but there wasn’t much I could have done to stop him at that point. My body was sore and I felt like I couldn’t take much more at that point. Dr. Palmer had told them there were things that they couldn’t do to me but Da wasn’t too big into anal activities like my Uncle had pointed out to me not that long ago. Da wasn’t all about sodomy but, more oral.

I didn’t want to put myself in a place where that was my choice. Let him do that to me. Especially not when I knew that was going to be happening soon no matter what I did because I doubted Lionel was going to give up his Friday with me not this coming week but the one after that. It made me wonder what he would do to me since he couldn’t shove his body inside mine. Eventually, I must have fallen asleep because I had weird dreams where he locked me up in a cage with one of those whirring vibrators up against my penis using it until I screamed. Someone violently shaking me awake.

“Willy! WILLY!” Jay shouted at me, “You’re screaming. It’s too early to scream.”

“Wha...I? Sorry bud,” I told him, “I didn’t realize I was screaming.”

“Bad dream about Da?” he asked me.

‘’Something like that,” I said, “Is Alice here?”

“No,” he said, “I don’t know when she’s coming but you were yelling so I wanted to see you. Can I lay down?”

“Sure,” I said scooting over and letting him climb into bed with me, “Are you ok bud?”

“I miss mummy,” he told me.

“Me too, is there anything else you’re thinking about?” I asked him.

I asked him because he had been quiet about what had happened. About me holding his hands as Uncle Ben had done that to him. Molested him. How I had wanted to cry and scream with him and I was pretty sure I didn’t hide that fact. 

“You mean about what happened?” he asked me quietly to which I nodded before kissing his forehead.

“It’s ok if you don’t want to talk about it. I just want you to know I’m sorry ok?” I told him.

“I know you didn’t want to. That you would have stopped him if you could have. The bad man wanted to hear Uncle Ben hurt me though,” he told me, “There wasn’t anything else you could do but let me hurt you while they did it.”

“You didn’t hurt me bud,” I told him.

“Yeah, I did. That’s why you tried to move my hands. So, I wasn’t squeezing your fingers like that. It felt so weird though. I didn’t like it. You and Jack said everyone’s body does that. But it…I don’t like it,” he told me.

“I know bud. And don’t worry about my hands ok? My hands are fine,” I told him, “You shouldn’t call him the bad man though ok? Not anymore call him the leader or Lionel.”

“Right, sorry,” he said quietly.

“It’s just I don’t want you to accidentally say it in front him, or da or Uncle Ben and get in trouble ok? Lionel is not someone you want to make mad. Trust me, it’s a very bad idea to make him mad,” I told him.

“Is that why your body hurt yesterday? Because he was mad?” he asked me.

“Yes,” I answered, “Him and Da and Uncle Ben hurt me ok? You don’t need to worry about it. There was nothing you could have done to stop it or anyone else ok? I don’t think anyone will be coming today though. Da’s probably going to be working the morning like he always does and Uncle Ben will probably be busy so I doubt Lionel is going to come back today. So, we just need to relax. Is Matty awake?”

“Yeah, he’s getting cereal,” he told me.

“Good,” I told him, “You should probably go get food.”

“I don’t want to leave yet,” James told me.

“Why not bud?” I asked him.

Now that worried me. It made me wonder if we were going back to that again, that anxiety that we all had to be together or someone was going to get hurt if they weren’t near him. I didn’t want him dealing with that type of anxiety again. I felt like I was going to go crazy worrying about them. Let alone taking care of them. Me being thankful that Da had hired Alice, had gotten us some help. Because I didn’t want to leave my bed either. My stomach still hurt and my legs even though my ass didn’t feel nearly as raw as it had the day before. That didn’t mean I wanted to go out and chase babies all day though. Not when I could sit in my room and just relax for a little while.

“I just want to stay here,” he said almost so quietly I didn’t hear it.

Yeah, no something was going on. I remembered the night before. Me waking up and finding Da in the Nursery. I hated having to ask him but it was important. It was important that someone knew because no one had known when I was that age and it had caused me to turn into a mess of anxiety.

“Bud,” I said quietly scooting down a little bit so we were face to face instead of him being smuggled into my armpit, “Did something happen last night?”

He closed his eyes shaking his head vigorously. That told me everything I needed to know. That he didn’t want me to worry but that something had. That probably Da had done something to him. Touched him like he didn’t want to be touched.

“It’s ok bud,” I whispered, “You can tell me. It’s better to tell someone. I won’t tell anyone. Da will never know you said anything ok?”

He let out a sound like a cat before he started sobbing me holding him close and rubbing his back as he cried. I understood how hard it was to talk about. Especially the way Da did it. The way his mouth and hands went everywhere. The way it made you feel gross and weird in a way that you couldn’t describe and didn’t really understand. Not when you were 4,5 or 6. Not even when you were 7 or 8. 

“It’s ok bud,” I tried to assure him, “I’m right here. You’re safe.”

I held him, cuddling him as I rubbed his back as he started to quiet down closing his eyes. I wasn’t sure what else I could do for him. If he didn’t want to tell me what Da had done I wasn’t going to force him to. For me knowing was enough. Him coming to me and seeking my comfort and reassurance was enough.

I didn’t fall back to sleep but I sat there with him watching his little face as he started falling asleep and wondering how Da could ever even want to do that to him. How he could ever want to cause pain to someone who was so sweet and so innocent. He was just a little boy. He wasn’t ready for that yet. For that world, those acts.

I was glad he felt safe with me. Me understanding how hard it was to feel safe with anyone. Especially at that age. Where you understood what it was kind of but you didn’t understand why you couldn’t make your body listen to you instead of them. How that feeling would only get worse as he got older. How it would make him feel guilty and stupid. Make him feel worthless. He was anything but worthless. He was priceless and didn’t deserve to feel that me wishing I could take his pain away, make it all stop and go away as I brushed my hand through his hair his arms pulled up against his body as he faced me his little hands curled into fists around the fabric of my nightshirt.

I sighed as I heard the lift kick on me slowly unwrapping his hands from my shirt before kissing the top of his hand and letting it go moving the pillow that had been under my head and placing it next to him so that he had something to hold on to if he needed it. Something that would comfort him. I got up and changed my clothes and used the bathroom before heading out. Expecting to see Alice but finding just Mike and Matt along with Cat sitting in the living room eating cereal in front of the TV. Which was something they weren’t supposed to be doing.

“Guys, why are you in the living room?” I asked them.

“I told them they could,” Matt said, “As long as they stay at the coffee table I don’t see a problem with it.”

“They might spill,” I told him.

“If they do I will clean it up ok? You might want to go check on John,” Matt said.

“What? He’s back?” I asked Matt.

“Yeah, he just came up. He walked right past us. Didn’t even look at us,” Matt snorted, “Like we’re not even here.”

“He’s probably really tired. It’s not anything against you or anyone else,” I told him.

“Yeah right,” Matt said looking at me, “Go …kiss his ass, whatever.”

“Matt it’s not like that,” I said.

“It is and you know it. You love him better than me just like Da and just like everyone else,” Matt said.

“Hey,” I said sitting down next to him, “Where is this coming from? I don’t love him more than you. He’s our brother too. If you were sad or someone had done something to you don’t you think I would check on you? When you were upset last night didn’t I spent time with you?”

“Yeah,” Matt said.  
“Even though you hit on me and I didn’t get upset about that either did I?” I asked him.

“You told me you’d punch me if I touched you,” he reminded me.

“I meant anywhere I didn’t want to be touched. It’s my body remember. We talked about that. How important it is to respect people and their bodies?” I asked him.

“Right,” he sighed, “You told me not to talk like that.”

“Because it’s inappropriate and I know you don’t feel that way about me,” I told him.

“But I do,” Matt said frowning at me, “I love you.”

“Ok, we talked about the difference between romantic love that you feel for someone you would do those things with traditionally and family love. Like you love me because I’m your brother, right?” I asked him.

“Right, and you don’t do that with brothers,” he said bobbing his head with each word like he was parroting it.

“That’s right,” I said nodding my head in approval, “I’m going to go check on John now. You’re going to be good, right?”

“He’s been good,” Mike said smiling at me, “He’s been good all morning.”

“You pr…” Mike cut my words off.

“I wouldn’t lie. Lying wouldn’t help him get better,” Mike told me to which I nodded my head.

“Ok, I’ll be back,” I told them before turning and walking to John’s bedroom door.

I didn’t bother to knock on his bedroom door this time figuring he wouldn’t be able to hear me over the water. Instead, going up to the bathroom door and knocking on that instead before waiting a minute or two to walk in.

I didn’t want to wait for an answer in case he was hurt me frowning as I noticed a pair of scissors sitting on the counter next to the sink the blades open as far as they could go little droplets of blood on the one blade. He had cut himself. I didn’t know where or how badly but that wasn’t good. Whatever had happened wasn’t…I knew Da had hurt him and Da hurting him hadn’t made him cut in the past so it made me worry about what had happened while he was gone. While he had been where ever Da had been making him stay. Probably his bedroom.

“Where have you been?” I asked him quietly.

“Downstairs,” he muttered through the curtain his silhouette moving fast through the curtain holding something in its hand.

He was washing. Hard. Probably trying to get the feeling of Da off his skin. But downstairs, the way he had said it. Something about it seemed off. Seemed wrong somehow.

“What do you mean downstairs? You mean downstairs? For two fucking days?” I asked for clarification. 

Da had never locked any of us downstairs for that long. Not that I knew of. The longest I had been down there being a night, maybe into an early afternoon but I had never been down there for days at a time before. The idea jarring me slightly, worrying me. Making me wonder what Da had done that decided he had needed to keep John captive in the basement for two days.

“Leo came by,” he muttered.

WHAT?! Da had… Da had invited Leo over. John hated Leo. He hated him so much. He had told me what Leo had done to him. How he had done horrible things to him and laughed while he did it. How Leo had raped him on and off for hours in his car. Why would Da do that to him? That didn’t make any sense to me.

“Are you ok?” I asked him quietly pretty sure what the answer was. That he was very much not ok. That he had cut himself because he was not ok.

“No,” He said as I saw him shake his head through the shower curtain.

Well, at least he was being honest I thought bitterly. That was better than lying. Which was what Da was doing. It felt like almost everything he had said was either a lie or him flat out saying that it wasn’t my business when I asked a question. That I had no right to know the answer. To know anything. To know where my mum was or my brother. To know if he was hurting someone or planning to hurt them. The most honest thing he had done since we had gotten home was allow me to be there when he interviewed the Nanny and even his reasons for allowing me there, the reasons he had given me had been a lie.

“Is there anything I can do?” I asked him before going silent waiting for his answer.

“Yeah, can you shoot me? He wants to see me for lunch,” John nearly spat at me, “He nearly raped me on the kitchen table.”

Oh god. It wasn’t bad enough he had made him stay downstairs for two days he had to…he’d had James last night, done things to James last night. Wasn’t that good enough for him? He couldn’t even keep his hands on one of us for a 24-hour period he had to mess around with whomever he felt like messing with? I fucking hated him.

“I can’t kill you,” I answered him putting the toilet lid down and sitting on it, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really. I want to crawl into a hole and fucking die,” he told me as he sat down on the bottom of the tub his voice sounding unsteady. Like he was about to start screaming and crying. Like he was about to lose it.

He hadn’t done that in months. Outright screamed and cried. Not since before…before we had left. Before we had gone to Montana. He had been so much happier in Montana even with Pat not there. The only time he had ever freaked out being that morning when I had come home from camping with Beau him nearly charging off the porch in his socks to go after him, to beat him up for touching me.

“It’s that bad?” I asked him, meaning the pain he was feeling. The anxiety and dread.

“YES, WILL LEO IS THAT BAD!!” he barked making me jump, “Sorry, I just…”

“It’s ok,” I told him nodding my head, “I understand. More than you think. While you were downstairs Da he…I don’t know you do it all the time. The things he says.”

I hugged myself feeling a shiver go through my body as I thought about it. About Da and Lionel and all the things they had called me. How Da had called me that, a cock slut and then Lionel had said it too, hissing the name at me like the slur it was. Me knowing that it was just a matter of time before one of them said it again, made me do those things again.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you from that,” John said quietly before he sniffled, it sounding like he was crying behind the curtain as I sat on the toilet.

“It’s not your fault. You were obviously busy,” I pointed out, “Are you sure that you don’t want to talk about it?”

I didn’t want to hear it. Not really but mum and Julie had been stressing how important it was to be honest and open with each other about what was going on, what had happened and our experiences. How it was important that we told each other things so that we understood how different yet similar our experiences with Da and all of them really were. So that we could understand and support each other better. So that we could be there for each other more constructively.

“Yeah Will. I’m positive I don’t want to talk about how they both shoved their dicks into me at the same time and how I bled so bad and was in so much pain I didn’t even realize that I was down there for two days until Da told me when he was getting coffee staring at me the way he does,” John mumbled at me through the curtain.

At the same time? I had never heard of that. For me, it hurt pretty bad one at a time if it was more than one person. I couldn’t imagine how horrible two at a time probably felt. No wonder he was freaking out. No wonder he seemed so…on edge.

“Did you hurt yourself?” I asked him glancing over at the sink at the scissors that were still sitting there.

“Why?” He asked me his head popping up and turning to look at the curtain even though he could probably only see my silhouette through it just like I could see his.

“Well, there’s a pair of open scissors on the sink and they have blood on the blade. So, I’m wondering what exactly you did,” I told him, “You need to talk to someone. Even if it’s not me. Will you talk to Pat?”

“Pat is contracted. I’m not supposed to talk to him,” he told me, “It’s safer that way.”

I knew Hank. Hank might have been a mean cuss and downright sadistic but he wasn’t the smartest one of the bunch. I doubt whatever he had signed with whoever he had signed would be that comprehensive. Me thinking about it before I spoke.

“Ok, contracting dictates who you fuck. It doesn’t dictate who you talk to. You realize that, right?” I asked John, “Did you hurt yourself?”

“Even if I did why does it matter? It’s already done,” he said his voice sounding harsh, “I can’t hurt myself anymore then they hurt me so why does any of it matter? I’m just a toy to them. It’s not like they care.”

God did I understand that feeling. That it didn’t matter what we did, what we said or wanted. We were just toys to them. Something to use. Not really people at all.

“Which is why you should care John,” I said thinking about the only thing I could probably do for him. He needed Pat. He needed to talk to someone me sighing, “I’m calling Pat so you have someone you can talk to.”

“Don’t Will. I don’t need him worrying about me,” he muttered, “I’ll be fine. I just need a break.”

“A break you aren’t going to get. You just said so yourself he wants to see you for lunch. When do you think he’s going to give you any more of a break then he did the last two days?” I asked him feeling frustrated that he wouldn’t talk to me and didn’t want to talk to Pat, “Just let me call him for you. Maybe seeing him will make you feel a little less alone.”

“Yeah,” he said and I could almost hear him rolling his eyes, “Fine.”

“Ok,” I said, “I’ll leave you alone.”

With that, I left the bathroom. Heading to the phone and dialing the number a voice I wasn’t sure who’s answering the phone, “Hello?”

“Hi is Pat there?” I asked quietly not sure who I was speaking to. If it was ok for me to be talking to him.

“May I ask who is calling?” I heard him ask before it finally dawned on me who it probably was.

“It’s huh Will, William McGregor,” I answered feeling my face heat up just saying my own name.

“Ah,” I heard him say sounding amused, “I heard you boys were back. Have you seen your holder yet? I bet he’s missed you. You were all he ever wanted to talk about when the four of us got together over the summer. How much he missed you. Why do you want to talk to Patrick?”

“I just…I wanted to say hi,” I tried to explain.

“All right, PAT!” I heard him yell into the phone before he handed it off Pat sounding cautious as he answered it.

“Hello?” he asked me.

“It’s me, John’s back,” I told him, “He’s in bad shape. Can you come see him? Just to like be here? Because he won’t talk to me. Not really. And I’ve kind of …”

“Yeah,” Pat said without hesitation, “I’m on my way.”

With that, he hung up the phone. At least someone would be here that he felt comfortable with. That he could talk to about stuff. Me wishing that Cole would be coming to instead heading back towards the living room and sitting down on the couch Matt looking at me.

“Are you ok?” he asked me.

“Tired,” I muttered.

“You’re always tired,” he told me, “Are you sure that’s it?”

“Well,” I sighed deciding to be honest because he’d been doing well at being honest with me and confiding in me about his feelings and thoughts, “I’m scared because John is really not in a good place and I’m scared because of …a lot of things.”

“Because of me?” he asked me frowning at me like he was sad or upset that I might feel that way.

That was unusual for him. I felt better seeing that, not the fact that he was upset but the fact that he seemed to feel some other emotion about it besides anger. That made me have hope again. Hope that maybe he wouldn’t be easily turned back into that child he had been before we had left before mum had gotten us away.

“No,” I said shaking my head, “Not because of you. Because of Da.”

“He woke you up last night too?” Mike asked me turning his attention away from the TV to look at me.

“What?” Matt and I both said at the same time Mike’s face going beet red.

“Hupp idniz ug saxaupp axanythick oaxalriol?” (why didn’t you say anything earlier?”) Matt asked.

“I …,” Mike shrugged his shoulders, “Don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad at you,” Matt said, “He shouldn’t be doing that. You’re…” Matt looked at me and sighed, “You’re my best friend and my brother Mikey. He shouldn’t do that to you. Did he hurt you?”

“Just his mouth,” Mike said staring with his eyes wide at nothing before Matt went over to him and hugged him whispering something in his ear.

So, Da hadn’t just touched James last night but Mike too. And me, and John. I sighed wondering who he hadn’t molested yesterday putting my head in my hands before I heard the lift kick on Pat walking out just as the babies started crying.

I remember spending the rest of the day dealing with the babies. Pat coming out of John’s room after a while saying that John and had headed downstairs me giving Pat a knowing look.

“You know there’s nothing we can do but be here,” he said sitting back while he held Mary in his arms looking at me.

“I know,” I said shaking my head, “I just wish …you notice anyone else that’s missing?”

“I noticed. He’s not…?”

“He’s in my room,” I told Pat, “Last night was a hard night apparently. Da didn’t just do things to John yesterday,” I told him.

“Who else?” Pat asked me frowning.

“Mike and James. James isn’t…none of us are really doing that well. I feel like I’m barely holding on myself. Believe it or not, the only one that seems to be somewhat ok is Matty,” I muttered.

“Matty’s fucked up. None of that stuff would bother him,” Pat commented.

“No. Actually, he went through a lot of therapy in Montana. And they got him to talk about some stuff. I talked with Mum and John about it too. He came me last night because Alice changed Mac’s nappy in front of him. It…triggered a thought or something for him that he didn’t like. And instead of acting on it he came to talk to me about it. Told me he was scared. And then he hit on me.”

Pat let out a laugh before he could stop himself covering his hand with his mouth, “So…,” he managed a big shit eating grin on his face as he looked at me, “You thinking about hitting that?”

“EWW!” I said loudly, “Obviously not. I told him not to do that. However, I was grateful he came to talk with me instead of taking the frustration out on someone.”

“Well if he hit on you isn’t he kind of taking his frustrations out on you?” Pat asked me before he looked at Mary wiggling on his lap and sighed, “You want down? Come on, let’s play with the puzzle book.”

He stood up taking her behind the couch and sitting down on the floor grabbing our puzzle box. It was a box full of wooden puzzles with five to eight pieces each that kept her and Shay entertained if only because they liked to chew on the pieces.

“That’s more of a box than a book,” I pointed out.

“Well it opens like a book and it has the puzzle pieces in it,” he said causing me to shrug my shoulders as I sat down on the floor next to him.

“Maybe but I have a feeling he would have a hard time forcing me to do anything,” I pointed out.

“That’s because you’re a lot older than he is. He’d have a hard time forcing you to do anything without your Uncle or Da there,” Pat pointed out.

“Another good reason for him to come to me instead of going to Mike or someone else or just keeping it to himself,” I told him.

“So, he’s actually been better?” Pat asked to which I nodded my head, “Did he ever admit that he wanted to…maybe do some things that he shouldn’t?”

“Yes,” I said, “That was a big part of why he was gone. He was going to do a home visit over the weekend before…well, they came to get us. “

“So, him being better isn’t an act?” he asked me, “I was pretty sure it was an act the other day but if he’s still sticking to it maybe it’s a real change.”

“I hope so,” I said, “I can’t deal with them and then Matt being like that too. Not with everything else.”

“Speaking of everything else did you ever…?”

“I told mum,” I told him, “I was going to tell John I waited too long I guess.”

“You know I won’t say anything but you should still tell him,” Pat told me.

“And when am I supposed to do that? In-between Da raping him and me? Whenever that happens because it seems like if he’s not raping John then he’s raping me or my Uncle is or…” I said feeling my eyes sting.

“Ok,” Pat said, “Hey Marbear? Do you want to give Willy some love? Say I love you, Willy,” he said grabbing her chin and making it wobble so it looked like she was speaking, “Don’t be sad Willy. Lose your shit later, not right now.”

“You just made a 9-month-old swear,” I pointed out.

“She’s not really swearing. I am,” Pat said smiling at me, “But seriously. Where is the nanny your Dad hired?”

“It’s Sunday she’s coming in late,” I said to which Pat nodded his head.

“That makes sense I guess but do her and your Da realize you’re up here alone taking care of everyone. Including a six-year-old that won’t leave your room because he’s upset?” Pat asked me.

“He realizes yes,” I answered, “I’m not sure he really cares. I mean if you were him would you care?”

“I’m not sure your Dad cares about anything but getting some. He was all up in Co…” Pat shut his mouth smiling at me sheepishly.

“What were you going to say?” I asked him hoping that I had misheard what he was about to say.

He was about to say, Cole. Da was all up in Cole’s business. That’s what it seemed like Pat had been about to say. Why hadn’t Cole said anything about it? Why would he keep that from me? Why would he sit there and make it sound like his life was as great as it could be if my Da had been subjecting him to that?

“It doesn’t matter,” Pat said smiling at me sheepishly.

“You were going to say, Cole,” I said, “Why were you going to say, Cole?”

“I forget that. He didn’t want me saying anything. You can’t let him know I said anything. I wasn’t supposed to say anything,” he told me.

“What about you? Da hurt you too?” I asked him.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said looking at Mary grabbing a sheep out of her hand and putting it on one of the wooden sheets in front of us where it belonged before he handed her a duck which she promptly put in her mouth to replace the sheep.

“Pat, you’ve always told me not to keep things to myself. Don’t lie to me. You’ve already said as much as you have. Maybe it was subconscious because you wanted to say something so get it out,” I told him.

“Will, you have enough going on and John has more than enough going on. You don’t need to worry about us,” Pat said, “We’re used to it. We’re fine.”

“No, you aren’t,” I said, “If you were fine you wouldn’t have said anything. You don’t slip Pat guys like us, we don’t slip. We don’t let those things slip. If Cole asked you not to say anything and you really thought that you shouldn’t you wouldn’t have. So, talk to me.”

He sighed running a hand through his hair pushing it back from his face before he spoke, “I spent most of June here. I mean we live down the street so it wasn’t a huge deal but between your Dad who my Dad let…” he sighed.

“It’s ok,” I said, “take your time.”

Pat smiled at the back of Mary’s head, “That’s what I always told you. You realize that?”

“It’s a good thing to say. It’s hard to talk about it,” I said, “But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. It doesn’t mean it’s not important.”

“You sound like a shrink,” he told me.

“That’s what my shrink said,” I told him smiling. Which, near the end was something that Julie did tell me often when I told her my option about different things like how Matty was doing or James.

“My Dad basically let your Dad and Uncle barrow us. We weren’t allowed to really hang out with anyone for most of June. We went to a party, at the villa the last week of June and they…Cole had to do some stuff for them. That’s when he met Tosh. I was on the tables. I’m always on the tables. When they got a hit on you guys. Got the news that they might have found you that’s when Dad let us come home. When Connor decided he wouldn’t need us soon because you guys were coming back. There was someone else here just about every other night. The first three days we spent in the cage downstairs. Josh was here, Josh…”

“Stein?” I asked him and he nodded his head, “I know him. He drew a stone at my marking.”

“Really? I’m sorry,” Pat said, “He was here on and off. Ern, Gus, Sam, fucking Neal. I’m assuming some of them are more friends with your Uncle than your Dad. He doesn’t seem the type to just…I don’t know hang out with people like that. They aren’t real players more pawns. And your Dad, if he hangs with Lionel in his free time which he does, would hang out more with some of the other people that were here once or twice. They brought their own kids more or less. Sean, Peter, Kevin Tosh’s Dad, Walter, and Chester were both here. That night was fucking awesome.”

“Walter and Chester?” I asked.

“Walt and Chess,” Pat said frowning at me when I didn’t understand shaking my head, “Ok Walter is Chester’s Dad and Chester has a son named Cha...”

“Chad?” I asked nodding my head in understanding, “A tracker.”

“Yeah,” Pat said, “You know any of their first names really?”

“Not really,” I answered, “I know their family names. Only the ones I went to school with though like I think Kevin sounds familiar but I’m not sure.”

“Kevin McQueen,” Pat said giving me his last name causing me to nod my head.

“Son is named Todd? Has another son, a daughter, a dog and a throwaway?” I asked Pat which Pat nodded his head, “Yeah, I had classes with Todd.”

“Ern is Ernest Huber and Gus is Gustaf Huber and you did have classes with Finn, right?” he asked me to which I nodded my head, “Neal Harris, Sean Ashmore, Peter Ford, Sam Alabaster.”

“Chris Ford,” I said, “I thought his Dad was a big deal.”

“He is,” Pat said, “Now you understand why I said I was pretty sure most of them were your Uncle’s friends and not your Dad’s?”

I nodded my head. Da didn’t like being around people he felt were beneath him which was why he didn’t leave the house a lot. That and he was a pervert. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was also his way of making sure he controlled himself because he didn’t seem to have any type of impulse control at all. Especially not if he could molest four of us maybe even all of us in one day.

“All of this happened while we were gone?” I asked him.

“It was only a month,” Pat said, “It’s not like we had to fuck everyone. Just some of them. Most of it was videotaping shit. Tony was here too. You know who Tony is now, right?”

I recalled him. I remembered his beer belly that he had been attempting to hide when he had brought the throwaways into the shower after I had left the prep room. How he had yelled at everyone and when I told Pat that he mentioned how Tony was always loud. How he always seemed to be shouting. I nodded my head.

“Cole nearly broke. Whenever Lionel came around he…he shut down. He still won’t tell me anything about that. I wish he really would though. He started cutting himself. He was really bad until Tosh showed up. I was afraid they were going to seclude or hospitalize him,” Pat told me.

“Will, we’re hungry,” Matt said coming into the living room we were still in him holding Andy and Laura’s hands both of them, one on each side.

Now that surprised me. Usually, he didn’t want that much to do with Laura probably because she was a girl but that told me he was still trying. He was trying to be good. To fight whatever was going on in his head Pat giving me a look as he smiled at them.

“Ok, I’ll make food how about you let Laura and Andy play in here with Mary and Pat?” I asked Matt, “You can help me. We’ll do hot dogs and Mac and cheese.”

“Ok, I get to stir, right?” he asked me.

“Sure,” I said standing up and touching the top of Laura and Andy’s heads and he let go of their hands letting them go up to Pat, “Are you ok?”

“I’m mad,” he told me shrugging his shoulders not seeming mad at all.

“You want to tell me why?” I asked him.

“Because Da said that he would talk to me. That he would come to me!” he said stomping his foot hard like a toddler, “Why would he lie?” 

“He always lies,” I told him.

“He’s never lied to me!” Matt said, “He told me he wouldn’t do that! HE TOLD ME!” 

Ok, at this point he was just appearing angrier and angrier me sighing heavily. Da always lied to him just like he lied to everyone else. I don’t remember Da ever being honest about anything his “but it feels good” always a lie, “I just want to make you feel good” being a lie too because it all hurt even if it didn’t hurt physically and he knew it. He knew it well enough to know he was lying even if Matt didn’t.

“Come on sport,” I said, “we’ll talk about it in the kitchen ok?”

“While I stir?” he asked me.

“Yes, we’ll talk while we wait for the water to boil,” I told him grabbing his hand and pulling him along with me, “Ok, Da lies about a lot of stuff because he’s in charge and he wants us to know it. He didn’t ask you or talk to you before he did that because he wants you just like he wants John and me to understand he’s the boss. Not us.”

“Why would he hurt Mike? Mike told me that hurts him. That he doesn’t like it and it makes his tummy upset. Da told me he would never hurt us so why did he do it?” Matt asked me.

“Because he’s the boss,” I told him, “What does it feel like to you?”

“I don’t know,” he said frowning at the water waiting for the water to boil, “It tickles in my tummy but it doesn’t make my tummy hurt. Julie said she thinks it’s because I’m different. That I feel things differently than most people and that it’s ok but it makes it hard for me to understand how other people feel. But Daddy told me he does it because he loves us. If he loves Mike why would he want to hurt him?”

“That’s what I’ve been saying. That’s why I don’t think Da loves us because he does stuff like that. Mike made it clear to you he didn’t like that when you did it and he loves you more then he loves anyone so that means he really didn’t like it when Da did it. Do you know if Da has done that before?”

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head, “he used to do it sometimes at home. It used to make him cry. I thought it was because it feels weird but it tickles feels weird. At least to me.”

“It does but sometimes it’s a really strong tickle and it doesn’t feel that great,” I told him.

“Does Da do that a lot? He only did it to Mikey once. Me once too. It’s mostly been, Uncle Ben. He doesn’t always…not that. He uses his hands a lot,” he told me.

He was right about that. Uncle Ben did tend to use his hands. Usually, while he was doing that but, the idea of talking about it so openly making my face turn bright red thinking about it. Thinking about how he always shoved his fingers inside while he did that. My body feeling it for a second.

My brain flashed to him, to all of…his mouth, his tongue. It felt like getting punched in the chest. It hurt my whole body wanting to shudder as I felt it wanting to scream.

“Are you ok Willy?” Matt asked me, “Your face is really red.”

I opened my mouth to speak finding my whole body wanting to collapse my knees feeling weak causing me to cling to the counter and nod my head. 

“You don’t look so good. Are you going to be sick?” he asked me his voice sounding a little excited at the prospect that I might barf all over the place.

I didn’t like the way my body felt. Me trying to figure what was causing it. Julie always told us it was caused by stress and that it meant we needed to calm down and I couldn’t. It was my fault this whole fucking thing was my fault. Mike and James got hurt last night because I hadn’t stopped Da. Because I …

“Are you going to freak out?” Matt asked me, “Da was right. You’re nuts. Why am I listening to you? You’re crazy. All of you.” He said before he walked away leaving me clinging to the kitchen counter next to the stove where the pots of water were both boiling me trying to let go of the counter and breathe but with every breath, it almost felt like it was one of them doing that.

I gasped and shuddered trying to remember some of the tricks to pull myself out of it. Some of the tricks Julie had taught realizing it wasn’t working as I started sobbing and gasping. Trying to make it stop my knees giving out underneath me causing me to crash to the floor my heart pounding against my chest as I heard someone rush into the kitchen.

“Oh shit,” I heard Pat mumbled as he slid across the floor a little bit, “Ok man, ok, Up, up up.”

I had no idea what he was doing but he got me into a sitting position and then shoved my face nearly into my own crotch. It felt weird but I felt less dizzy and sick to my stomach. I wasn’t 100 percent sure what he was doing but I knew he was trying to help me as he started rubbing my back.

“I need you to hold your breath for four seconds inhale hold for four and out ok? Come on man,” Pat said rubbing my back as I tried to listen to what he was saying him wrapping his one arm around the front of my shoulders and forcing me to keep my head down as he rubbed my back and kept talking to me, “Come on man you just need to calm down a little bit. You’re safe I swear you’re safe and no one is going to hurt you right now. I know this is freaking you out and I’ll be honest it’s freaking me out too but I’m not going to let anything happen to you. Ok? I swear I won’t let anything happen.”

He just kept talking me like that as I started slowing my breathing down. As I started relaxing. As the tickling feeling started to leave my body.

“Better?” he asked me quietly.

“Yeah,” I managed, “I’m…I haven’t done that in a while.”

“It’s the stress,” Pat told me, “You’re worried and you’re still not…”

“I did talk about it ok?” I said.

“No, there is something that you didn’t talk about that I’m pretty sure you had to deal with,” Pat said.

I shook my head. I wasn’t talking about him. I didn’t want to think about him if I didn’t have to. That’s what had set me off in the first place, thinking about him and Uncle Ben. I wasn’t about to talk about it. I didn’t see how talking about it would help me any. Me standing up because I realized the water was still boiling.

“WHOA!” Pat shouted at me, “Slow. Dude you just like lost your shit give your body a second, will you?”

“I have to feed everyone Pat, not now ok?” I told him.

“NO, sit the fuck down Will. I’ve got it,” He said pulling on my arm lightly and making me sit down in a chair, “I swear….” He muttered.

“What?” I asked him.

“You and John both. You’re going to run yourselves into the ground again. You can’t do that. People need you. Even if there is a nanny around they still need you. Both of you. That’s why I told you to lose your shit after they are in bed,” he told me.

“Next time my brain flashes to someone licking my asshole I’ll try to keep that in mind,” I spat Pat looking at me his eyes going wide.

“Well, ok then,” Pat said before turning to the stove and turning off both burners, “So that’s what people need to do to make you talk? Get you after a panic attack?”

I shrugged my shoulders feeling my face heat up. I hadn’t meant to say that. I was tired and worried and I had 9 kids I was taking care of on my own until around 2 pm. At least that’s what it felt like me hearing someone starting to fuss and getting up to go check on them. It was Mac. Him sitting behind the couch crying big crocodile tears as I looked around Mike straddling Matt’s lap on the couch in front of them as shaking his head his jaw set like he was pissed.

“What happened?” I asked them.

“Nothing,” Matt said looking at me, “It’s that right Mikey?”

“Mike?” I asked him.

“He didn’t hurt him,” Mike said making my blood run cold.

“Wha…what do you mean?” I asked him.

“I didn’t let him,” Mike said and that’s when I noticed Mike was gripping Matt’s wrists hard.

I rushed over grabbing Mac and bouncing him trying to get him to stop crying.

“LET ME GO!” Matty screamed loudly making Mac screech again just as I was starting to get him to calm down.

“SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED NOW!” I yelled at the two of them so loudly it startled Mac into silence.

“I went to the bathroom and when I came out he was…”

“MIKEY!” Matty said his eyes going sad, concerned, “Do you want me to get in trouble?”

I shifted Mac’s weight in my hands my heart stopping as I felt it. The snaps on his pants undone in the center. He did have pants that slid on but Da or someone else must have dressed him in a pair that had that snaps that did up all the way to the crotch. He wasn’t…did he…?

“Who dressed him the morning?” I asked them.

“I did,” Mike said, “I did because he told me he wasn’t sure he could and that he didn’t want to hurt him.”

“I was just going to change his nappy,” Matt said.

“For some reason, I’m having trouble believing you,” I said looking at Matt, “What were you really doing?”

“I wasn’t going to hurt him,” Matt said looking at Mike as he said that.

“You know that’s a lie,” Mike said shaking his head, “You know it’s a lie. Why are you doing this? You were fine. And now you’re not.”

Mike smacked him and then scratched Matt before he started sobbing running down the hall. Running away from Matt. Was this because of …because of me? Because I had…panicked because I was stressed. Was this my fault?

Matt sighed looking down the hallway, “I wasn’t going to hurt him.”

“You say it and I will punch you. I won’t smack you. You don’t touch them. You understand?” I hissed.

“Says who? You? You’re a crazy freak. I can’t believe any of the bull you fed me. You and mum and Julie. Why? Why is me being sane and not doing that such a bad thing?” Matt asked me.

“It’s not bad, you’re not bad. Da is bad. Hurting them, doing that to them is bad. What happened you being mad at Da for touching Mikey?” I asked him.

“Maybe Da is trying to get him to relax. To trust him,” Matt said, “So he’ll trust me again. I love him.”

“And he loves you,” I told him, “He won’t love you if you hurt them though. This is scaring me. What’s going on with you Matty?”

“I’m…,” he said before he started crying too, “I don’t know. I don’t know…”

“Ok,” I said kissing Mac’s head before I set him down in the playpen away from Matt going over and hugging him.

Now I was confused too. I couldn’t tell if his niceness and concern that he would hurt someone was real or if he really didn’t care. There was something seriously wrong and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to help him or Mike at this point or anyone else. Me having to take a deep breath as I sat there with him.

“You’re not bad,” I told him, “You’re not bad your head is just messed up right now ok? You can’t do that though. If you think you’re going to do that don’t touch them. Please, I don’t want to…I’m already worried about Da and Uncle Ben doing that so you can’t. You can’t. Please don’t do that. Please.” 

I felt myself starting to panic stopping and taking a few deep breaths to calm myself down. His mood swings were making me have mood swings. At the time it was almost like he was two different people. One moment he’d be fine and swear he didn’t want to hurt anyone that he loved us, loved them and then the next it would he loved them but he needed to show them that by making them “feel good”. It was giving me whiplash and causing my anxiety to get worse.

At the time none of us realized it but it was him with drawling from his medication that was making him that horribly unstable and that there wasn’t anything we could to do to stop it or avoid it. Not when he was coming off it like that. It’s a common symptom of going more than 24 hours without psychiatric medications. Heightened emotions which also explained why my anxiety was through the roof and I felt like I was having trouble sleeping unless I was so physically exhausted I couldn’t stay awake. Because he wasn’t the only one with drawling but it was probably around half the household at that point the com crackling causing me and him to both Jump in surprise.

“Will? Are you there? It’s me, I’ll be up shortly,” I heard Alice’s voice through the com.

I sighed in relief thankful that it wasn’t Uncle Ben or Da calling us downstairs. The only reason he would have called one of us downstairs being so he could abuse us. So, he could do things to us. Me hitting the com button to reply.

“Take your time Alice,” I told her, “We’re fine for right now.”

I didn’t hear her reply so I figured she was probably in the laundry room. It was her job to take care of us in almost every way. As far as I knew Da still had a maid coming twice a week but in the meantime Alice was supposed to do our laundry and put it away, feed us, help me and John clothe everyone and make sure things went as smoothly as possible so that Da didn’t have to be bothered while Mum was away. So that he didn’t have to see us unless he really wanted to.

“I’m sorry,” Matt said, “I’m going to go tell Mike I’m sorry.”

“Ok,” I said, “Just don’t…do anything like that ok?”

“I understand,” he said.

The moment he was out of my site I wanted to scream Pat coming out of the kitchen looking at me worriedly, “What were you yelling about?”

“I’ll take care of it,” I told him figuring Pat’s temper was the last thing I needed because I knew Matty was not Pat’s favorite person.

“You’re sure?” he asked me.

“Just keep a close eye on the littles for me? Help me with that? Alice is here,” I told him.

“I heard,” he said, “Means when John gets back I can take care of him.”

“He’s really not doing well,” I told Pat.

“You’re right,” Pat said, “It’s not good.”

“He told you?” I asked him.

“He told me Leo came by,” Pat said, “That he’s tired. And he’s not sure what he’s going to do.”

He said all of this with a blank look on his face his eyes starting to get wet before he cleared his throat and smiled at me wiping fiercely at his eyes. That was bad. I’d only seen Pat cry maybe once or twice and both times had been over John. One of them the night before we left.

“You really love him?” I said more to myself than to Pat.

“Of course, I do,” Pat said frowning at me, “You think I would have jumped at the chance to be here again if I didn’t? I told you what my summer was like. Why would I ever want to come back here again if it weren’t for him?”

He did have a point. Why would he want to be in the house where he was held prisoner and raped for a month if it wasn’t for the fact that someone he really cared about lived in that house. And he didn’t care about my Da I’m pretty sure either him or Cole at one point had told me that my Uncle or my Da could eat shit and die. Probably both at different times had uttered sentences like that about both of them and I wholeheartedly agreed with the sentiment.

The lift kicked on and I expected it to be John or Da or maybe even Uncle Ben my body not relaxing until Alice stepped off the lift a basket full of Laundry in her hands and another one near her feet that I went to fetch.

“Thank you, Will,” she said smiling at me, “Your Daddy wants supper downstairs so I’m going to grab Mary and Seamus and feed them while it’s cooking. I figured it would easier that way. Then I can take care of them and put them down while you older kids enjoy your supper with your Daddy.”

“Are you sure?” I asked her not sure I wanted her up here alone with them.

“I’m sure,” she told me, “It’s my job after all. You can feel free to check on them and make sure everything is ok once they are down for the night. I figured I’d make a nice cherry pie for dessert for everyone to enjoy.”

“That’s going to hard to find around here,” Pat said.

“Mr. Kingly really?” Alice said shaking her head at him but a slight smile on her lips.

“Oh, come on, you’re used to humor. You remember me well enough,” Pat said.

“You’ve always been such a naughty child boy,” she said.

“Wait you know Alice?” I asked Pat.

“Well, kind of. She did some sitting for us after mom left. Not very often but sometimes because Karen would bail on us. It was only a couple of times but she was always fun,” Pat said, “She’s good people.”

“Thank you,” she said smiling at him, “You don’t need to be here.”

“John’s my friend,” Pat said shrugging his shoulders as Alice puckered her lips thoughtfully.

“Mhm,” she replied, “You know better.”

“I’m not doing anything,” Pat said.

“I hope for your sake that’s true,” she said shaking her head but mostly ignoring it going into Jay’s room and putting some clothes away as I took the laundry basket I had and headed into the nursery because that’s where the laundry on the top of the basket went putting it away.

I was glad to see some of my clothes in it. Surprised but glad. So, they were really giving me back all my clothes probably because they couldn’t keep me nearly naked anymore with a nanny around. Me and Alice meeting up in my room me seeing Alice open my door just in time to hear a little gasp and see covers fly over his little head.

“Bud, it’s just Alice and I ok?” I told him.

“Why’s he in here?” Alice asked me.

“He’s…,” I shrugged my shoulders figuring that she probably didn’t need to or want to know. Me instead choosing to go over to him and climbing under the covers and pulling them over my head too to talk to him, “Are you ok bud?”

“I don’t know,” he said barely above a whisper, “Has he come back?”

“Who?” I asked him.

“Daddy,” he answered.

“No,” I told him, “Alice says we’re eating downstairs though and you know that means we’re eating with him. So, you need to be a big boy and try to be ok. Just for the little ones ok? Once we get back upstairs, you can come in here and lay with me and cry or scream all you want bud ok? But you have to try to be brave for dinner so Da doesn’t get mad.”

“I don’t want to,” he said his tears starting up, “Please Willy I don’t wan…”

He stopped as Alice flipped open the covers Alice looking at us and sighing almost like she was relieved, “What don’t you want Jamie?”

“To eat dinner downstairs,” I answered for him as he clung to me hiding his face in my lap as I rubbed the back of his head.

“Your Daddy wants to see you, Jamie. You have to be a big boy. I know Daddy’s can be scary people but he does love you. And you want to make him happy, don’t you?” she asked him.

No, he didn’t. Making da happy meant he got hurt. It meant Da did something to his body that confused him, that he didn’t understand. That he didn’t want. Alice sighing and nodding her head at me in understanding.

“Listen bud,” I told him, “I’ll be right there ok? And you know Da, you know what…you know things. We’ll be together though. I promise you, you’ll be ok. Da won’t do that at the table. He won’t.”

At the time I mostly believed that. The farthest he had ever taken it being him touching John like that in front of everyone. Embarrassing the shit out of John before shoving his tongue down John’s throat. If I had known, if I had even had the slightest inkling that I was wrong I wouldn’t have said it. Me rubbing his back as Alice finished putting away my laundry and then probably headed off to take Mary and Shay downstairs to eat.

“It’s ok bud,” I said letting him stay where he was his head still buried in my lap, “It’s ok. We’ll get through this together. I know he’s scary. I know they’ve been scary lately so we must try extra hard to keep them from getting mad. That means we all have to be there ok?”

He sat up nodding his head his eyes blank before he asked,” Should I wear clothes?”

He was still in his PJ’s and I noticed Stella Luna sitting on the foot of my bed. He’d been in my bed all day reading apparently in his PJ’s. The poor kid was just a nervous wreck, just like I was only his anxiety displayed by hiding where mine became nervous energy like mum. An energy that made it impossible for me to stop moving because when I stopped moving was when I started thinking.

“Yeah, why don’t you go get dressed and meet me in the living room shortly ok?” I asked him.

“We get to come back after dinner though?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I said feeling a lump in my throat, “We’ll fall apart together ok? You hold me while I hold you?”

“Ok Willy,” he said nodding his head, “I’ll be brave though.”

“Me too,” I said, “I am going to go check on everyone else. Go get dressed.”

With that we both got up him going to his room as I headed back out to the living room to find Pat holding Mac as Mike and Matt played video games and Cat, Andy and Lar played with the kitchen set behind the couch.

“Everything ok?” I asked.

“Yeah, I’m watching Matt get his butt kicked at Mario cart,” Pat said smiling.

“He’s not beating me that bad,” Matt said. 

The lift opened again John walking straight past us not even looking at us going into his bedroom and shutting the door Pat looking at him before he stood up and handed Mac to me following him quickly.

“I guess Da had a nice lunch,” Matt muttered.

“MATTY!” I said shaking my head.

“What it’s true?” he told me.

“Don’t do this, please you’re giving me whiplash,” I told him.

“Fine, I won’t say anything if I can’t say anything nice,” he muttered repeating something mum used to say.

“Thank you,” I said, “How about I change your nappy?” I asked Mac.

“I go potty,” Andy told me loudly.

“Ok then,” I said standing up, “You too Lar?”

She nodded her head me rushing them forward to the nursery, “Ok everyone to the potty.”

I changed Mac and I hoped Lar and Andy use the bathroom thankful that Matt was smart enough he didn’t volunteer his help because I probably would have lost it and started banging my head against the wall. Me coming back out with everyone as they started playing with Cat again at the play kitchen.

Pat came back out a few minutes later Matt laughing lightly as Pat sat down,” What?” Pat asked him.

“Your shirt sleeve is soaked,” Matt pointed out.

“So? Why do you care?” he asked Matt.

“Well…,” Matt started to say and then thought better of it stopping.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what he was going to say so I let it go letting his well fall off into silence because my bet was it was going to be some snide reminder about how John was Da’s or how Pat had no right to kiss him. Me glad he had gone quiet instead. Grabbing a book as I allowed Mac to join everyone else at the play kitchen. While James came down the hall and sat down on the couch next to Mike watching him and Matt play the game.

I kept an eye out. Glancing up to watch Matt out of the corner of my eye every couple of minutes to make sure he was playing the video game and not eyeing our younger siblings. Matt and Mike handing over their controllers to Jay and Pat so they could play around, me not having to say anything about it. I read maybe five pages and looked up as I heard Pat bark in Matt’s direction.

“Matt, I want to be able to see you,” Pat warned him.

“I’m not going to hurt them,” Matt shot back.

“You’re right you’re not going to be mean,” Catty said, “They’re my babies.”

I sighed hearing that reminding me of someone, “They don’t belong to you they’re their own people Cat. You can say they are your siblings and that you love them but don’t make it sound like they are things you can own.”

“They are my Andy and Laura and Mackie and I love them,” she said tilting her chin up and squinting her eyes at Matt trying to look angry, “And you’re going to be nice to them Matty.”

“You tell him Cat,” Mike said smiling. 

“Shut up! I’m really not going to hurt them,” Matt said.

“Don’t believe him, Pat,” Mike said.

“Don’t worry I don’t,” Pat muttered trying to pay attention to the TV, “Darn it!”

James giggled. Whatever Pat had done had made him unhappy and made James very happy. I was glad to hear him giggle in delight. It almost relaxed me giving me a sense that maybe he might be ok. That may be even though last night and today had been hard to tomorrow would be easier. That things would be better tomorrow.

Pat laughing back before glancing at him quickly, “Man you are kicking my butt bud,” he said before glancing over as I set my book down seeing him come out of his room him resting against the threshold to the room folding his arms over his chest and smiling, “Feeling a little better rabbit?”

“Yeah, thanks,” I heard John reply before looking up seeing him blushing.

Oh god, here they go, I thought rolling my eyes and muttering to myself almost laughing, “Rabbit…”

“What?” Pat asked me turning to frown at me.

“Nothing,” I said shaking my head and trying to focus back on my book.

“No,” Pat said looking at me almost putting the controller down, “Really wha…”

James let out the happiest sound I heard him make all week jumping up and down and waving the controller in the air, “I WON!!! YES!!!”

Matt offered him a high five and then James handed him the controller Pat sighing even though he smiled as Matt said down next to him, “My turn. Did you have fun?” he asked looking right at John.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” John asked him standing up straight his smile falling.

“With your boyfriend,” Matt said.

Pat cleared his throat, “Don’t tease Matty, it’s unbecoming. And it’s not like that.” 

Sure, it wasn’t. That’s what I was thinking but I didn’t say it. Of course, I wouldn’t say it.

“So, you two don’t have sex like you and Da?” Matty asked looking straight at John.

I felt my jaw hit the ground. This kid was going to give me a heart attack, “Hey! Matt, what did I say about talking like that?” I snapped at him looking at John and Pat who were both glaring at Matt.

“You’re nine you shouldn’t talk like that especially to your older brother,” Pat said shaking his head, “And it’s not like that.”

“Yeah,” Matt said making a snorting sound as he did so.

This was beyond retarded. He needed to start picking a fucking mood and going with it. I was beyond tired and someone needed to do something until he got his mood swings under control me getting up and snatching the controller out of his hands before giving it to Mike.

“HEY!” Matt yelled at me.

“You can’t behave and act like a normal person then you can’t play video games,” I told him, “You’re lucky I’m letting you stay in the living room at all. You don’t ask people questions like that. You know this. You don’t say anything about Da to anyone. Got it?”

He had only said it because he knew it would upset John. He still had a lot of contempt for John and it didn’t surprise me that it hadn’t subsided. That being another reason why he was supposed to be doing a trial run at home until Uncle Ben and Sergei and that other goon had shown up bring us back to our hell.

“Yeah, fine whatever,” Matt muttered, “Sorry Johnny.”

Oh, that was it! This was beyond annoying. I was beyond tired of this bullshit.

“Sit down and shut up. Last warning next one you’re going to your room,” I said using a calm voice. I didn’t want to deal with this. If he was going to be an asshole I was going to be one back. John didn’t deserve to be treated that way. He knew who called him Johnny. He knew it would upset him and that’s why he had done it.

“Fine,” Matt said rolling his eyes before he got up stomping down the hallway slowly towards his room.

John bent over taking a piece of plastic something for Laura before he looked up at me, “What’s for dinner Will?”

“Ask Alice. She’s downstairs somewhere. I can call her on the com if you like and see what she says,” I told him.

“Who is Alice?” he asked me frowning deeply.

“The Nanny? She has Mary and Shame with her right now,” I told him, “I think she’s feeding them and then she’ll come back up. She’s not a bad person just not a great one either.”

His frown deepened. He looked confused. Very confused.

“Not a bad person?” James asked me, “I think she’s weird. She has this thing where she wants me to be very clean after my bath. She says being clean is important and I need to scrub everywhere even my butthole.”

I watched his face go red. Why would…? That didn’t make any sense John exchanging a look with me as Mike and I both muttered “What?” at the same time.

“Yeah. I think it’s weird too. I mean I understand it’s important to be clean but you guys don’t make me scrub there. It just feels really weird especially when she helped me,” James said his shoulders shaking like he had a cold shiver going down his back, “I didn’t like it.”

Great. So, she had lied. She had molested my little brother right before my…god. She had done it for him. She had molested James for him to make sure he was clean for him. For my Da to molest. The idea making me sick to my stomach.

“Well,” John said looking closely at James before shooting me another look me nodding my head, “Alice is no longer allowed to help you with bath time. Will or I will ok? No more Alice.”

Good. I was glad we agreed on that. I understood what she was saying the night before about making sure Da was happy and Da knew he was in charge but that was completely different from molesting them in order to make sure they were clean enough for him to molest. That was completely different. Maybe if he wouldn’t have been so “clean” Da wouldn’t have done what he did the night before that had him crawling into my bed and sobbing that morning because Da had done those things to him. Used his mouth on him. A six-year-old little boy.

“Ok cool,” James said nodding his head, “Because I thought that was super weird and I thought people weren’t supposed to touch you there. It kind of scared me because I knew she wasn’t going to hurt me like Da and Uncle Ben do or that one guy did that made it really hurt but I still didn’t like it.”

“Did you tell her that?” I asked him.

“No,” he said shaking his head, “I didn’t want to get in trouble. You know what Da says when I tell him I don’t like something. That I’m not allowed to not like it because he’s my Da.”

That was true. That’s what he used to tell me when I was little before I understood all of it. That I wasn’t allowed to say no or not like it. That he was the one who decided what I did or didn’t like because he was my Da and he knew better. That he always knew better.

“Bud,” Pat said causing James to look at him, “You’re allowed to not like something no matter what it is or who is doing it ok? There is nothing wrong with not liking something. I’m sure both John and Will are glad you told us this though, just like I am.”

I liked the way Pat said that. James was usually really quiet about all of it this being the first time I had heard him talk about it openly in front of everyone without being really prompted for details about things Da might have said to him in private even though he had been in family sessions with Mike, Matt, John, Mum and I and we had all talked about some of the stuff Da had said to us talking about some of the patterns he had and some of the differences. That was probably why he had felt comfortable in sharing because it was something that we had all more or less heard Da say at one point or another and he knew that. However, I liked the way Pat had reminded him gently and encouraged him to keep talking that way me hoping that it would help us keep track of what Da did or didn’t expose him to and when.

“Yes,” John said nodding his head, “Yes we are.”

I sighed now I was worried about who Alice really was. She had seemed so nice and seemed to make sense last night when I talked to her but now I wasn’t sure. That wasn’t ok to me. Making him wash like that. We didn’t even usually wash like that unless Da had already done something. Because then it was to get the grease and stickiness off our skin, out of our bodies. We didn’t do it to prepare for him though. The idea making me cringe, making me feel like I was going to vomit again as I tried to pick up my book and refocus my attention. Focus on something better, something that wasn’t Da or how he was such a nasty person, how he made it so we were surrounded by nasty people.

“You need to talk?” Pat asked John quietly me noticing Pat stand up and walk over to him as John nodded his head.

I knew what they were going to talk about. That they were probably going to talk about Alice me deciding that I would go off with them, that a few minutes of leaving them there wouldn’t hurt. I figured Mike and Cat would help protect the little ones and I knew James would. James didn’t want to see someone hurt them like that. I don’t think any of us who were in our stable minds did. That it was only Matt who thought of them that way and even he didn’t see it as hurting them even if he knew deep down somewhere it was wrong and we all realized that was the case.

I stood up making sure my book was marked before setting it down on the coffee table, “You guys be nice to each other ok?” I got up and followed Pat and John down the hallway to his room shutting the door behind me and resting my back against it.

“This is bad,” I said voicing what I was sure we were all thinking, “this is really fucking bad. Have you heard anything about mum? Because we need her home now. If he’s sending people in and telling them to clean themselves that thoroughly you know he’s planning something bad. He’s trying to train them to get used to it. Mum needs to come home and come home now.”

John shook his head, “I haven’t heard anything about mum. I could ask him tonight but he might not tell me anything. He’s kind of mad at me a little bit.”

What? He had done nothing but bend over backward for Da since we had gotten home. Why would he be mad at him? If anything, he should be grateful John was giving him a hole to stick it in with little to no complaining. His ass had to be as sore if not sorer than mine was. The very idea making me mad.

“Why?” I muttered almost to myself.

“Earlier,” John said quietly shrugging his shoulders as he sat down on the bed.

Earlier? What had he done earlier that would have…oh, “You mean when you cut yourself? I told you that was a bad idea.”

“Yeah? No shit Will. Haven’t you noticed the new bruises on my neck?” he asked me pulling down the neck of his T-shirt slightly for me to see them better.

That hadn’t been necessary. They had looked darker and I had noticed them but, I hadn’t wanted to say anything. It was bad enough for him that he knew they were there and he knew we could probably see them. I wasn’t going to make it worse by pointing it out to him.

“Yeah,” I said, “I wasn’t going to mention them though because I already figured they were from him and I know you’d rather not talk about it so…I just didn’t say anything. What exactly did he do?”

Since he was willing to share that much I figured it couldn’t hurt to ask. Julie had told us that in order to heal we needed to keep being honest. To keep being open as a family. That sometimes prompting helped remind each other of that. Prompting but not pushing. That there was a big difference between asking someone a question to get information from them and then pestering them until they felt like they had no choice but to answer you that sometimes that could be just as bad as what had ever happened, forcing them to talk about it.

“Choked me and told me if I ever did it again he’d make sure I wished I was the only one cutting me,” he said before he shivered Pat sitting down on the bed behind him and wrapping his arms around him from behind John leaning back and closing his eyes breathing deeply as Pat held him.

“Is that all he said?” I asked him.

“More or less,” John said looking at his hands for a second before he reached up and grabbed one of Pat’s holding it close to his chest against his shirt as he entwined their fingers, “I’ll ask ok? I’ll ask about mum because we do need her back, I agree with you. But, I’m not sure I’ll get a real answer. In fact, I think he’s waiting for an answer from me about something.”

What? That sounded a lot like Da. Like what he had done last time we had been alone with him for months. Him telling John some bullshit about how Uncle Ben and he wouldn’t touch us if John did what Da wanted. How it had all be a huge lie. How they had told me I needed to keep my mouth shut to keep John from killing himself.

“What?” Pat asked voicing my question.

“It’s nothing that’s worth discussing,” John muttered.

“Rabbit, if you’re bringing it up it has to be. You obviously want to talk about it so please? Please talk about it,” he said as John leaned back even farther Pat sitting up a little straight to hold up both of their body weights as John closed his eyes breathing deeply and slowly for a couple of minutes.

He looked so broken. In love and comforted but broken. So that’s what it was. Da telling him he had to do it. That he had to let Da do whatever he fucking wanted to him or else he would come after everyone else which he already was. That made me feel so helpless and so angry. So angry I wanted to scream, I wanted to cut something.

“He said,” John managed in a breathy whisper because making a gulping sound and trying again, “He said he would keep Leo away from me if I backed off on protecting everyone else and did what he wanted me to.”

I felt my jaw hit the ground. That was worse. That was so much worse making John choose between himself, protecting himself from Leo or him protecting us from Da. John would never agree to that. He would never tell Da ok on that. That if Da kept Leo away that it was ok for Da to hurt everyone else. Especially because he knew Da would never keep any promise he made. That he would just pretend he wasn’t touching us or pretend to keep Leo away and then Leo would come around anyway. Or Da would go into someone else’s bedroom one night anyway because Da was in charge. We were in his world his property and we just had to deal with it.

There was no way John would ever tell Da “sure keep Leo away from me and go fuck whichever one of my little siblings you want Da, go have a field day.” Because that wasn’t John. He had been protecting me since before I could remember. Since I could barely walk. He had been protecting me and every single one of them his whole life our whole lives and I knew he would rather die than ever tell Da he was ok with him doing that to us. And that’s what being with Leo would do. It would kill him. I saw that in his face earlier that morning when I had talked to him and I saw it in his face in that moment him leaning against Pat with his eyes closed tears leaking slowly down his cheeks through his closed lids.

“That’s not up to you,” I said shaking my head his eyes snapping open as I said it, “I can make a different deal with him. I have a body and he’s interested.”

He was. Sure, depending on what type of contract he had with Lionel his access to it was limited just like Uncle Ben’s but even Lionel had told Da he wouldn’t get in a father’s way when it came to him “loving” his sons. That meant that he could pretty much do what he wanted to me. And he had been very interested in it on Friday. The way he looked at me and the things he said convincing me of that. Sure, I wasn’t as good as John but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t take me in a pinch if John wasn’t there to use. Or was too tired or too sick.

“NO!” John said shaking his head vigorously at me sitting up and nearly pushing Pat away, “I’m not letting that happen.”

“Well,” I sighed looking at him, “You can protect yourself or you can protect them. Which one will it be because you know if you say no he will bring him here and they will do that again. You know it and I know it and Pat knows it. Neither Pat nor I want you to put yourself through that. Especially if it’s going to cause you to carve yourself up like some thanksgiving turkey.”

I gestured to his body. He had cut himself and I knew he had. Just like I was pretty sure he had told Pat he had. If he was cutting himself how long before he was drinking? How long before he tried to kill himself and tried to leave us stranded there without him and without mum with some woman who had pretended she was worth trusting and then just turned around and prepared our little brother for our Da. Our little brother who was lucky that the only thing that had happened to him the night before was getting water squirted up his asshole and probably getting it licked and sucked on along with other parts and that he hadn’t been sodomized by yet another person. By our Da, again along with our other little brother.

Pat smiled a little before shifting his weight forward again, pulling John back towards him and John letting him, “He’s right John. We don’t want that for you. We love you. I love you and I would rather you look after you then put yourself through that.”

“I can’t,” John said glancing behind him at Pat, “I can’t, no, I won’t. I will not let him hurt these kids Will. You know I won’t.

“At what cost?” I asked him folding my arms across my chest, “I’m here. I can do this. I can help. Let me help.”

I wasn’t going to let him do this alone. This wasn’t just his burden anymore I was old enough. I could do this. Sure, I felt like I couldn’t and I was scared but if it meant that it kept him alive, that it kept him functioning so that I didn’t have to do this alone then I would. Me closing my eyes and taking several deep breaths as the anxiety hit me, the realization of what I was saying, what we were doing. What I was hoping he would agree to. That I wouldn’t just be Lionel’s and Uncle Ben’s to torment at any given moment, whenever Lionel gave permission to Uncle Ben to do it but Da’s too. Da’s too to do whatever he wanted with whenever he wanted.

“NO!” he said loudly getting up and grabbing my arms startling me, causing me to open my eyes, “I have spent more time protecting you than anyone else. You are my baby brother! I am not letting you throw yourself to the wolves so I can be spared some pain and they need you,” he said pointing at his bedroom door for emphasis, “That Nanny is obviously fucked up and dangerous and between her and Da and Uncle Ben and Matty I need you here in full force watching them. Taking care of them because mum isn’t here to help? You got me?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head in understand, “I got you but, it’s still not a good idea.”

He did have a point. If we were both constantly injured and sore who was going to change their nappies without making sure they were “extra clean” who was going to give them baths where they didn’t have to worry about being coached to scrub every inch of skin inside and out so that Da didn’t have mess he had to deal with?

I couldn’t do it alone though. The idea overwhelming me again making me feel like I was about to start hyperventilating again. Making me hold my breath for a second like Pat had told me too earlier because it had helped me then me begging god that it would help me at that moment so that John didn’t lose it because I was losing it. Because I was trying so hard to hold it together when all I wanted to do was scream and tell him how fucking stupid he was being. How it wasn’t just them that needed someone, How I needed someone too. 

I knew that thought was selfish but I was 11 years old. I couldn’t help it. I was a kid and I needed someone.

Where was my person? Where was the person that was supposed to hold me as I sobbed because my body was sore and I couldn’t deal with everyone looking up to me and telling me those things because they had no one else to tell? Where was the person I went to when I wanted to scream and hit things because James had told me Da had forced him to lay there while Da gave him head? While those feelings crawled up and down his skin making him want to scream but he had been warned to “play the quiet game” so he didn’t wake anyone up when he was just six years old? Where was that person for me?

“I’m the oldest. I’m in charge. I’ll tell you what’s a good idea,” John said shrugging his shoulders at me as he placed his hands on mine as if to comfort me, to encourage me instead the weight just making life feel heavier, everything feel heavier.

“Hey, be nice,” Pat said standing up and bumping him forcing John to shift his weight slightly so he didn’t bump into me John’s eyes softening as he looked at me as he looked at my face seeing that what he had just said wasn’t what I needed to hear at that moment.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” he mumbled.

“I understand we need to work together on this though John. You’re going to kill yourself you keep going like this. You need to let me help you,” I said softly shaking my head feeling like I was about to start crying.

He frowned at me closing his eyes for a second before he started blinking heavily his eyes starting to tear up, “You want to have to lay there while he…” he swallowed his whole face contorting like he was about to start crying, whatever he was going to say the words getting lost somewhere.

“Well, no honestly. But, you can’t take it all,” I told him, “You can’t. You know you can’t. I know you can’t. Pat, he knows you can’t. Ask anyone Jack, we all know that you are going to break under this hell if you are cutting yourself it means you are already breaking. How long before you start drinking again after being sober for almost eight months? How long before other things start to happen? I can’t lose you,” I said voicing my biggest fear my eyes stinging, “I need you. We need you.”

“You don’t get it, do you?” he asked me him crying too, “I don’t have a choice here. I can’t let him do that to you. I can’t let him hold you down or make you lay there as he…” his words trailed off into silence.

How could he not see it? How could he not get it? I understood what he was saying but how could he not see how badly I needed him to be well. I needed him to hold on because I couldn’t do it on my own. I couldn’t take care of everyone on my own. I needed him there. I needed him to tell me it was ok in order for me to believe it so I could keep telling them it would be ok because without him and without mum it wouldn’t be and I knew it. I knew I needed them and he was going to take himself away from me, from us? I couldn’t do it on my own. Not with Lionel. Not with Uncle Ben. I needed him there and Da would just lie to him and do it behind his back anyway and we both knew it.

“As he what Jack?” I asked him through my tears surprising myself at how clear my voice sounded, “You have to be able to say it. Maybe if you could say it, it would help you. As he rapes me? As he shoves his dick up my ass? As he blows me and makes me cum? What? As he what?”

He closed his eyes his shoulders going up again his neck as his body cringed him shaking his head slightly as the words hit his eardrums. I knew he hated being vulgar or descriptive about it but there was no other way to say it. No point in lying about it. Those were the things he would make me do. Those were the things he made John do and we both knew it. Everyone that knew Da in any personal capacity knew it. There was no use in lying about it or denying it or trying to skirt about it and be discreet. That’s what he did.

Pat sighed softly from behind John where he wrapped his arms around John’s waist looking at me and shaking his head his eyes soft, empathetic, “Will, you don’t need to be so blunt.”

“Why because he can’t deal with it? That’s exactly what he means. That’s exactly what would happen so why can’t he just say it?” I asked Pat.

That was something that it had taken a while to get me to say, to admit to. Instead of me replying to everything Julie asked with “Da hurt me” getting me to name the act. To state what it was he had done so that she could understand how bad it was. All of the things he did that hurt so badly I couldn’t talk about them. That I couldn’t name them because I was too ashamed of it. How she had explained to me over and over for months that me naming what he had done to me took that shame and the guilt off me, freed me of reasonability and helped put a little bit of it where it belonged, on him. On him and the people like him that did those things to me, that made me do those things. Made me lay there and experience those things no matter how much I didn’t want to.

“If it were you maybe you couldn’t deal with it either,” Pat said.

That felt like a punch. Pat knew, he knew and yet he…I felt like the wind had gotten knocked out me. I wasn’t even sure what to say. Me closing my eyes and breathing before I spoke. Me trying to be careful about what I said next because I didn’t want John losing it, didn’t want him deciding even more so that I couldn’t handle it.

“It is me,” I said trying to keep my voice as steady as possible, “I got it up the ass Friday night because they had hurt him so bad he was passed out in the basement. You know how many times I had my dick sucked? I can talk about it. I just want to know why he can’t.”

“Everyone is different Will. He just can’t ok? It makes him uncomfortable,” Pat said shrugging his shoulders, “Can’t you just respect the fact that he doesn’t want to talk about it? That it hurts him? That talking about it hurts him almost as much as the fact that it’s actually happening?”

I wasn’t asking him to talk about it. Not really, not in detail. There was a difference between saying that Da and given him oral or raped him and discussing details like how Da called me a cock slut and shoved so hard into me I had felt like a bottle of soda exploding when he brushed against my prostate. How he and Lionel had…how did they not see the difference? How did they not know and understand the difference?

“Stop,” I heard John mutter his lips barely moving.

“It sucks,” I answered, “No pun intended. It really fucking sucks. It hurts ok? It does. I get that, trust me. I understand that but if you don’t talk about it or write it down it builds up inside and it chokes you so slowly and completely you can’t think. Can you remember who told me that Pat?”

“STOP!” John said loudly making me jump, “Just stop! Will please God, just stop it. I can’t do it! I can’t talk about it or write about it because if I do that means it’s real. Don’t you get that? Don’t you understand that? If I don’t talk about it, it’s just in my head. It’s not real, it’s not happening. He’s not…he can be my Da every once in a while, instead of whatever he is now. Is that so wrong that I want to remember what he was once?”

No. No, it wasn’t but that guy, I never really knew that guy. I hadn’t known that guy since I was eight. It didn’t matter what Zoo’s or cinemas he had taken us too. What museums or football matches. After that, I had only seen him. Seen the guy who had looked at me like that before climbing into bed with me at night. Before telling me to close my eyes. Seen the guy who I thought had loved me and was going to give me a present before he shoved his tongue down my throat and torn off my clothes. Seen the guy who had taken everything I thought the world was about and ripped it all away as he tore his way into my body. As he stole something from me I knew I could never get back. The guy that had told me that next time it would hurt less promising that he would do the same thing again just by uttering those words.

“Not talking about it doesn’t make it not real John. You know that. You’ve told me that time and time again. You feel him on your skin all the time just about. How does not talking about it make that better? And whoever he was to you once upon a time he’s never been that to me. He’s always been and always will be what he is now.

You can remember who he once was but that’s a memory only you have. My first memories of him are him sneaking into my bedroom at night when I was four and touching me. Telling me “don’t tell mummy, don’t tell John because they’ll be mad at you.” My first memories of him aren’t good. I remember hearing you scream, the stairs and coming down them seeing him…”

John’s hands went to cover his ears before his skin suddenly went pasty his breathing looking like it had ceased before his eyes rolled for a second before they flickered back. Pat barely catching him as his chest started heaving. Heavying like I had felt my chest heaving earlier when Pat hadn’t been there to catch me, when my elbows had been the thing that had broken my fall before Pat had come rushing out into the kitchen his socks sending him sliding across the floor he was moving so fast to get to me, to make sure I was ok.

Pat lowered him slowly to the ground so that he didn’t hurt himself as he made this whimpering sound. This ungodly whimpering sound. The same sound I had probably made earlier as he kicked out using his elbows and knees to push Pat away and he scratched and clawed out making us both back away before he used his elbows and knees to crawl towards his desk nearly throwing the chair aside, knocking it over to get under it. To curl himself into the tiniest ball possible as he continued to whimper with his hands over his ears rocking back and forth.

“PLEASE, DADDY JUST STOP STOP PLEASE PLEASE!” he whimpered repeatedly his eyes closed as he rocked hard back and forth so hard the desk rocked above his head.

“Oh my god, no Jack…No,” I said moving to go towards him Pat grabbing me as I dropped to the floor in front of him.

“Don’t touch him,” Pat mumbled, “I know you’re sorry and that you want to help him but touching him right now will not help. You need to let him get it out.”

“But I did that, I made him…”

“No, Will kiddo you didn’t do that,” Pat said his voice almost breaking, “Your Dad did that. Your dad did that to him and to you. You guys didn’t do it to each other. I swear you didn’t do it to each other. You need to let it play out. Just let it play out.”

Pat hugged me from behind letting me cry as Pat cried into my shoulder as we watched him scream as he relived that moment. That moment where Da decided he wasn’t a person. That none of us were.

“We’re ok, he’s going to be ok. We just all need to breathe ok?” Pat told me rubbing my shoulder as I heard him exhale deeply before holding his breath for a second or two and doing the same again, “Come on, breathe with me.”

I copied him. It working calming me down, stopping my tears so that I could help. So that I could help Pat deal with my brother. My big brother who had done everything he possibly could for me who I had thanked by sending him into a flashback. As his screams became wordless and then slowly ceased slowing down into hiccups before he lowered his hands and opened his eyes both Pat and I sighing in relief as he blinked at us a look of pure confusion on his face.

“Rabbit, your safe right now. It’s ok. Can you speak? How are you feeling?” Pat said holding his hand out to him, holding it out hoping he would take it. That he would crawl out towards us him blinking at us still like he didn’t understand what he was seeing or didn’t know who we were.

I sighed not sure what I could do, not sure if he was really ok or not, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know he was going to do that. I didn’t know talking about it was going to do that. I’m sorry he hit you, Pat. It’s my fault, I’m sorry. I really am sorry.”

Pat sighed turning to look at me putting his hand back on my shoulder, “It’s fine. He didn’t mean it and neither did you. You should understand some people don’t deal with things well and John is one person who doesn’t deal with them well. He deals with them by trying to shut them out and talking about it like that doesn’t help him ok? You should get that he can’t talk about it. Not until he feels safe and right now he doesn’t feel very safe. I mean look at him? Does it look like he feels safe to you?”

That made sense. When we had been at Julie’s office it had always been safe. Julie had always closed the door and dimmed the lights and let us lay or sit where ever we wanted even on the floor or across mum’s lap or all piled on the couch in a little huddle to talk about that stuff. To talk about the things Da had done to us. She had used a talking stick whoever was holding the stick got to be the one to speak. She had even allowed us to bring our stuffed animals if we wanted and told us there was nothing wrong with it. If that’s what we needed to feel safe than it was welcome in her office. 

I had scared him so badly when he already didn’t feel safe I had sent him back to that place. To one of the very first places where he had never been more scared in his life. And I felt like that was my fault. I had done that to him. Because I was scared. Because I was afraid of losing him I had nearly pushed him away so hard I had almost lost him.

“No,” I said answering Pat’s question, “How do you make someone feel safe though when it’s never safe?”

Pat gave me a small smile glancing at John who was watching us from under the desk still wide-eyed and fearful still confused like he still didn’t know who we were as Pat spoke to me looking at me, “You open your arms and offer them your hand. You offer them whatever hope you can,” he said turning back to John holding his hand for from him again, “Come Rabbit. I’m right here. It’s me. It’s Patrick. I won’t hurt you, I promise. You’re in your own room. You’re safe right now. I will do everything I can to keep you safe. Please John, please Rabbit. Come out.”

“I can’t do this Pat. He’s right I can’t do this,” John said shaking his head curling his body tighter around his knees. Tighter into the little ball he had contorted himself into.

“Yes, you can Rabbit. You can do this. You’re all right. Come here,” he said blinking his fist at John before he got even lower on the ground laying on his stomach, “Please? You’re scaring me. Please just come out?”

His whole body shuddered as he sighed reaching a trembling hand out to grab Pat’s hand that was outstretched. Pat used his elbows to scoot himself forward just a little bit their hands meeting before Pat kissed the top of John’s hand lightly John closing his eyes and sighing deeply as he did so. When his eyes opened again them looking a little clearer, like he was a little more present than before.

I sighed in relief. So, he was ok. I hadn’t lost him yet. He was going to be ok even if I had scared him halfway to insanity he was all right. I barely felt all right myself not sure what I could ever do to make up for doing that to him, making him go to that place when we had both already felt so scared and so lost. Me being selfish and so wrapped up in my own feelings I had almost forgotten how hard it was for him to deal with it. How hard it must have been for him just long enough to yell at him and remind him of those things. Those horrible things that should have never happened to him.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled looking at Pat, his eyes registering that Pat was indeed Pat. That Pat wouldn’t hurt him, his eyes soft as he looked at him.

“Rabbit you have nothing to be sorry about. Absolutely nothing, ok?” Pat told him softly, “You’re all right. Just come out here, please? Come talk to me.”

“John, I’m sorry ok? I didn’t mean to upset you,” I told him barely above a whisper, “Please don’t hide under there. I promise I won’t talk about it any more ok? I won’t force you to talk about it like that. I’m sorry.”

“Promise?” he asked in a hushed tone.

“Yes,” I said nodding my head, “I swear it to you. I won’t ever say anything about it ever again.”

If it meant that I got to keep him. If it meant that he was holding on because I never asked him about it, never talked about those things again then I wouldn’t. I needed him. It wasn’t fair of me to ask that of him. Not when Pat was right. Not when he didn’t feel safe. 

“Come on Rabbit, please?” Pat asked gently pulling at his hand again.

He closed his eyes opening them again before he started crawling out Pat smiling. Pat’s whole body finally relaxing like he was just exhaling for the first time since John had pushed him away and crawled under the desk him kissing the top of John’s head as he got to his knees before pulling John onto the open floor with him, “There you are. It’s ok, you’re ok,” he said pulling John gently into his lap rubbing his back as John hugged him sitting there, Pat almost rocking him like someone would rock a child him just rubbing his hands up and down his back as John buried his head in Pat’s shoulder with his eyes closed breathing deeply. Deeply like he was trying to relax, trying to believe he was safe even if it was a lie.

The door opened behind me, me nearly losing it as I turned around sighing when I saw the little head of blond poke in the crack it had just entered.

“Is he ok?” Jay asked frowning at the three of us.

“Yeah bud, John’s fine. He just doesn’t feel too good right now,” Pat answered before I could get my mind around the fact that I was staring at my little brother after watching my older brother have a massive flashback that I had caused.

“Alice said dinner is ready on the com,” he told us, “She said everyone was supposed to come because Da wanted us all there so can someone answer her back? I would but I’m too short to reach the button and Mike and Matt won’t do it.”

I nodded my head shaking myself out of my stupor, “I’ll let her know. I really am sorry John,” I said before I stood up leaving the room and shutting the door behind me quietly so as not to startle John, not to upset him again now that he had calmed down and crawled out of his hiding place me walking straight across the hall to the com on the wall and hitting the button.

“Tell Da we’ll be down in a couple of minutes Alice,” I said into it.

“Ok Will, I’ll let him know,” she answered back.

“Are you ok Willy? You look like you were crying. Pat too,” Jay asked me.

“Yeah, I’m ok,” I lied not wanting to get into it, how it was my fault John had screamed and sobbed like he had pretty sure the whole floor had heard it. How it was my fault he was no more than a sniffling mess in Pat’s arms.

“Are you sure? Jack was crying,” Jay said, “Is it because of Da?”

“Yeah,” I whispered nodding my head.

“Remember you told me it’s ok to be scared. I know you’re scared and so is Jack but we’re together,” he reminded me squeezing my hand, “Do you want me to help you wash your face?”

That made me smile. That was cute. He was too cute sometimes.

“No bud, that’s ok. I can wash my own face,” I told him bending down and picking him up before I kissed him on the cheek, “However I need you to help me be brave and dinner ok?”

“Ok,” he said, “You’ll help me be brave too, right?”

“That’s right,” I said nodding my head, “And then we’ll come up here and let ourselves cry because sometimes you just need to.”

“You think you’re going to need to cry again?” he asked me.  
“Probably,” I told him nodding my head.

 

“Ok but only if I can cry too because I’m tired and I…crying makes it feel better sometimes,” he notified me.

“I agree. You can cry all you need to,” I told him smiling as I sat him down, “Now just give me a second to wash my face.”

I went into the nursey bathroom and washed my face quickly coming out just in time to see the lift door open and watch everyone climb inside Mike putting his hand against it to stop it from closing before I could get there everyone taking the lift down together besides Pat and John.


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The family sits down to Dinner with Da and uncle Ben

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 947 to 969. Yes, it's that Dinner. **Warnings: Forced brother/brother incest, forced kissing, Rape/non-con, anal fingering, forced oral** Please heed the warnings and remember Will is always slightly different than John. So there are things you are going to see that you didn't get to see before. Things that John isn't aware happened or chose not to share from his own POV. **John part 2 Chapter 4**

I held Mac as James clung to me, wondering what was going to happen. What this dinner was going to be like. Scared because it was Da making us go. Making us be there. Scared that James and Mike wouldn’t be able to hold it together as I looked over at Mike who was holding Matt’s hand in a death grip. Me wondering what I was going to do for these poor kids. Wondering if there was anything I could do.

Da didn’t usually ask to see us for dinner and that made me nervous. Made my heart beat faster. If he was making us eat with him there was a reason for it. I just didn’t know what that reason was. The lift opening onto the second floor Uncle Ben standing there making me freeze up slightly as he looked at us.

“Don’t worry it’s just your Da and me,” he told me as I gave him one swift, simple nod. 

Well that was good. At least it wasn’t someone else. Someone like Lionel or Leo wasn’t in the house. That was good. That was really good.

That meant at least they wouldn’t be molesting all of us under the table tonight. Uncle Ben picking up Andy making me want to yell in protest and realizing there wasn’t really anything I could say or do to convince him that he shouldn’t be holding him. Shouldn’t be touching him at all. He was little tiny. A couple months away from being three years old the rest of us having no choice but to follow Uncle Ben downstairs to the dining room.

“Will why don’t you sit next to me?” Uncle Ben asked me pointing to the right side of the table.

Uncle Ben usually sat on Da’s right side unless there was a guest of some kind. There wasn’t that night. Me sitting down leaving a chair open between Da and I Da smiling at me as Uncle Ben took Mac from me and handed him over to Alice and he put Laura in her own highchair.

Something seemed off. I couldn’t tell what it was at the time but it felt wrong, the whole thing felt so wrong. Me shivering as Uncle Ben finally sat down in the empty chair on my left next to Da his hand going to my thigh and squeezing it under the table making my body feel unstable. Feel like it was shaking as we heard the lift pick back up.

“That must be John,” Da said, “Alice said you invited a friend over?”

“It was just Pat,” I said.

“Next time you want to invite someone over honey I would like you to ask,” he said looking at me as Alice came out of the kitchen balancing three bowls of spaghetti and meatballs with a basket of garlic knots and set them on the table in front of Da, Uncle Ben and the empty plate on Da’s left where mum usually sat.

“Ok Da,” I said quietly not sure why I had to ask. In the past, we had never had to ask. It made me wonder if Da knew what Pat had told me somehow. That Da had made Pat spend time with him, both him and Cole. If Da didn’t want us finding out what happened between them.

“There you are,” Da said looking at the arch of the threshold smiling making me look up as John stood there nervously his fists blinking as he looked at Da standing in the doorway his tongue doing that thing he always did.

Oh god. Something else seemed off the air…something just seemed wrong Uncle Ben squeezing my knee making me gasp and grab his hand.

“Are you ok Willy?” James whispered into my ear from the seat next to me.

“Yeah bud,” I tried to assure him, “I’m fine.”

I looked up to see Da hugging John as Alice brought out four more bowls of food setting them in front of myself, Matt, Mike and James before going back to the kitchen again glancing nervously at Da who kissed John’s ear tenderly not like you would kiss a son.

“Nothing Da,” John said shrugging his shoulders grabbing Da’s hand as he tried to use it to keep John with him, within his reach, “just tired.”

John went up to a chair near the end of the table trying to sit Da using his hand to support John by the chest for a second, to stop him from sitting pushing the chair John had just pulled out back in.

“No, over here baby,” he said using John’s shoulder to steer him towards the empty seat on his left. The seat where mum would usually be sitting John’s cheeks flushing as Da called him that. Called him baby in front of everyone.

Everyone waited quietly Alice coming in with the last few bowls before she quietly left the room again. Me realizing John’s bowl had something different in it. That it looked browner than the red that filled everyone else’s bowls. John noticing too his face getting redder and his eyes going wide as he looked at Da who whispered something in his ear.

“Daddy?” Cat asked, “Why is John eating something different?”

Great. Everyone else had noticed too. I was afraid to hear what answer he would give her. What lies he would tell everyone to try and pass off as truth. To try and hide the fact that he was just controlling John in one more way.

“Because John is helping me with something so I need him to eat something different because it will help him feel nice and strong later when he helps me,” Da told us taking his fork and spinning some noodles around it before eating them.

I took some garlic bread from the basket Uncle Ben grabbing my side plate and putting down more on it for me without me asking. I was fine with one garlic knot I didn’t need three him squeezing my knee again before James squeezed my hand on my other side nodding his head at me.

He was trying to tell me it was ok. That we were ok because we were together me nodding my head back even though my stomach and body were telling me everything was anything but ok. That something was seriously wrong because none of this was normal. None of this was usual. Me trying my best to stay calm as Uncle Ben started petting my leg through my sweatpants me letting go of Jay’s hand and taking his bowl cutting the noodles a little bit like the bowls for the younger kids before giving it back to him, handing him his fork and mouthing the word “eat” at him.

I wanted him to eat as much as possible because of the bad feeling I was having that something was off. That something didn’t seem right. John mumbling something quietly Da’s fork stopping halfway to his mouth as he looked at John frowning.

“It’s good for you. Eat it,” he said his voice cold as he looked at him.

“Da can I please just no…”

“I told you to stop that. Stop being disobedient or I will have to punish you and you won’t like your punishment. You got me, baby?” he asked.

Oh yeah. Da was pissed. We had all thought he was pissed when we had gotten home but, for whatever reason right now he was really pissed. That made me wonder what…what exactly was happening. What he was planning, why we were all there. John nodding his head looking at the bowl in front of him his hand shaking as he brought a spoon into his bowl and then from the bowl to his mouth taking a bit of his food.

His whole body seemed to be shuddering Da probably doing to the same thing to him that Uncle Ben was doing to me. That I was trying to hide so that I didn’t scare James or Mike. So that they didn’t have to know or worry that one day it would be them. That Da and uncle Ben would be feeling them up under the table instead of John and me.

“You ok baby?” Da asked looking at John intensely. He watched him closely as John opened his mouth before shutting it again and sighing deeply. John’s whole body looked like it was shaking as he tried to take another bite. He nodded his head as he put his spoon down trying again to hold it steady as he brought it back up to his mouth taking another bite before Da leaned close to him leaning almost around the corner of the table running his hands through John’s hair his whole body going stiff.

If he was rubbing his head above the table it made me wonder what he was bold enough to do under it the idea making me cringe, “Da,” I tried seeing if he would pay attention to me, if he could control himself even a little, “You do realize there are plenty of kids around you, right?”

“So?” Da turning to look at me John nearly jumping out of his seat as he gripped the edge of the table tightly, “You’re all my kids. We have a special relationship.”

Yeah, not that special and it wasn’t one we wanted I thought wanting to shake my head but figuring if I got angry Da would punish John or someone else somehow. That someone else would pay for my temper but me.

“Usually isn’t that special relationship a private one?” I asked him quietly watching John who was staring blankly at me. Or at least it looked like he was staring blankly at me him probably staring at the wall somewhere above my head his shoulders moving with each breath he took.

“We can make it a little less private,” Da said as I heard Ben chuckle lightly at the suggestion, “You’re all ok with that aren’t you kids?”

“What do you mean special?” James asked as Catty shook her head very slightly her little eyes going wide. She had apparently understood just a little bit better than James had.

“You know when I touch you special?” Da said James’ face turning red in response, “You know what I’m talking about Jamie.”

His little shoulders started shuddering him looking at his bowl like it was the most interesting thing he had ever seen in his life. There was no need for that. Nothing excused that Matt giggling a little bit causing Mike to look at him and shake his head, “That’s not funny.”

“It is just a little bit,” Matt said as he looked at John and Da smiling big.

That made me feel sick to my stomach. That wasn’t funny. It wasn’t funny that Da had scared James so bad with just a few words it had him shaking. There was nothing funny about that. Not a damn thing.

John suddenly jumping up out of his seat and running from the table.

“Matty you didn’t need to laugh you just upset everyone,” Da said.

“It’s not that,” I said quietly.

“What is it then?” Da asked his eyes turning me, looking cold, unfeeling.

I shrugged my shoulders looking down at the table Uncle Ben’s hand moving more inward, starting rub my inner thigh instead of the top of it me pressing my legs together to try and keep his hand out of there. Try to keep him from touching me like that. From touching me there.

“Baby stop it,” Uncle Ben muttered at me turning to face me as we sat at the table.

“What’s he doing?” Da asked him, “What is so upsetting if it wasn’t Matt finding something unusual humorous? Are you going to tell me?”

“He’s clenching his legs together,” Uncle Ben tattled.

“Oh really? William who said you could do that?” Da asked me, “Because I didn’t. I didn’t say you could do that. You know how I feel about that.”

He had never really said it to me openly but I had an idea. That didn’t mean what he thought was right though. It didn’t mean that it’s what I wanted. Da sighing before he called loudly, “ALICE!”

“Yes, sir?” Alice said coming out of the kitchen wiping her face with a napkin.

“Can you take Cat, Andy, Laura, and Mac back upstairs? You can come back for their food shortly Ben will put it in the kitchen for you to get when you come back down. Won’t you Ben?”

“Of course,” Uncle Ben said smiling at Alice and nodding his head encouragingly as he stood up leaning over me and whispering in my ear, “Be right back baby.” Before he went over and started grabbing food off highchairs and taking the bowls to the kitchen.

“Why are we going upstairs?” Cat dared to ask.

“Catherine,” Da said using her full name shaking his head at her, her eyes going wide again, “You don’t question Daddy remember? You do what you're told.”

“Yes, Daddy sorry,” Cat said quietly getting up out of her seat and pushing her chair in as she stood up going over and grabbing Andy’s hand as Alice let both Laura and Mac out of their seats her leading them from the room.

James looked at me. He was terrified and he wasn’t good at hiding it. He wanted to leave with them. I saw it in his eyes. I was sure if I dared to look at Mike I’d see the same terrified expression staring back at me just from another face. An expression that was asking me what to do. What was happening when I myself didn’t have an answer. The only answer my brain could come up with being, something bad. Something bad was happening and I couldn’t stop it. 

“Now boys,” Da said sighing as he heard them start up the stairs down the hallway the house so quiet you could hear a pin drop, “You want to tell me what’s going on? Who told you that you have the right to decide who touches you where?” him looking right at me as he said that.

“Mum and Julie in therapy said that it…it was ok if we didn’t want someone touching us that we just ha…” Mike started explaining before Da interrupted him.

“Julie? Who is Julie? Some shrink that doesn’t know anything about us? About our family. Julie doesn’t know anything and you know your mum is…you know she was wrong. So, I don’t know why you think this Julie person would be right,” Da said.

“Your Da’s right you know?” Uncle Ben said coming back into the dining room and sitting down back in the seat next to him, his hand going back to my leg, “Those are his bodies. You wouldn’t have these bodies if it weren’t for him. He gets to say who touches them.” He said leaning in close whispering in my ear “Where they touch them.”

My whole body tensed me closing my eyes so that I didn’t have to see how mad they were at me. That I wasn’t just…that I wasn’t just letting them do it. Letting him touch me there, put his hand around my thigh and…putting his hand there.

“Honey, you know how this goes. Your Uncle just wants to show you how much he loves you. Let him, he’s not going to hurt you.” Da said.

Where…where was mum? Where was John? I didn’t want them doing this again. I couldn’t do this again. 

“Daddy?” I heard James question quietly, “Daddy he’s scared.”

“There’s nothing to fear,” Uncle Ben told him, “Daddy told me what you did for him last night. He really loved making you feel good. Didn’t you Connor?”

“Yeah, I did,” Da said and I was sure I could hear him smiling, “We can show everyone if you want. If Willy wants. Are you going to be good Willy or are you going to need Jamie to show you how it’s done?”

My eyes snapped open. That wasn’t happening. I wouldn’t let that happen me relaxing my legs Uncle Ben’s eyes widening in excitement as he smiled at me, “Good boy,” Uncle Ben cooed as my legs went completely limp him using his hand to push them apart me letting my knees fall open so he could put his hand there.

I told myself I had to just let it happen. That it was the only choice I had. That there wasn’t anything else I could do unless I wanted Da or Uncle Ben to hurt James.

“Come here,” Uncle Ben cooed scooting my chair so it was facing sideways his knees landing in-between mine as I tried to stare at nothing, to do nothing his hand going to my chin, “Come on baby you want me to, don’t you? Want me to make you feel good?”

“Come here baby,” I heard Da say before he stood up my back to the entrance of the room knowing John had come back. That where ever this was wasn’t good. I wasn’t even able to look and see how Mike was reacting or Matt, me unable to see James completely as Da beckoned at John with his hand, “Don’t make me repeat myself. Baby, come here, now.” 

He looked pissed. Pissed at having to say it again as I heard John take a few slow steps into the room before he walked behind me out of my sight. Uncle Ben made me stand up, forcing me to turn around and wrapping his arms around me, holding me in place as we both faced Da.

“Now boys you know I have a special relationship with each of you but,” he said grinding against John as he hugged him to his chest, John’s shoulders and chest still moving fast heaving because he knew what was happening just like I did.

That this wasn’t going anywhere good and it was going there very fast both of us trapped unable to do anything to protect our little brothers, to stop them from seeing whatever this was. Whatever it was they were going to do, “my relationship with John is really special. Can you tell them what we do John?” Da asked him before Da kissed his earlobe, saying something quietly that only John could hear John’s face turning an even darker shade of red as Da said whatever it was.

John tensed his body throwing his shoulders back, squaring them up to try and push Da’s arms off him as Da locked his fists together in the middle of John’s back his arms flexing around John to keep John locked in place as John shook his head, “Do it. Don’t make me repeat myself. Turn around and say it or you will not be happy.”

Oh god. I remember thinking that cringing as Uncle Ben stuck his hand down the front of my pants causing me to gasp him letting out a tiny laugh in my ear, “It’s ok baby. Just relax Daddy and Johnny are just having fun.”

This wasn’t fun. This was anything but fun me trying to do the same thing John had done, trying to square my shoulders to break his grip on me shoving my hands down to grab his so he didn’t…so he didn’t grab me there snaking my hands around his wrists trying to get his hands off my hips, off the edges of my pelvis as they started climbing lower into my pants making me grunt in frustration as his one hand snaked even lower down my pants to the crotch his right hand wrapped around my thigh and pinching the back of it from underneath.

“hhemakesmecum,” I heard John say barely breathing causing me to look up at him my heart dropping with my jaw. They weren’t. They weren’t making him do that. Say, that. That wasn’t…that wasn’t fair me feeling my face burn in humiliation for the both of us.

Matt let out a barking laughing his eyes scanning the room quickly before looking back at John and da, “What?”

“Apparently, Matt didn’t understand. You care to say it again baby?” Da asked him as John nearly jumped 10 feet in the air suddenly his back going rim rod straight me barely able to tell what was going on my face burning even hotter as I realized while Uncle Ben had his hand down the front of my pants, Da had his hand down the back of John’s.

“He…mmmm-ma-makes m-m-mee cum,” John said.

Just hearing Da make him say that made me want to scream. It wasn’t fair, that wasn’t fair, “Da stop it,” I begged Uncle Ben pinching my inner thigh, “You’re torturing him.”

“No, Will I’m not. If I was I’d be pulling down his pants and sucking him off right here in front of you,” Da said his smiling widening, “You want to see me do that? I have no problem with it.”

Oh, Da would love that. Love to make everyone watch as John cringed and wanted to beg, tried not to beg him to stop. As his face turned red as he couldn’t stop himself from making those sounds. Those sounds that made him burn with shame just like they did me when I knew I was making them and I couldn’t help it. Why did he hate us? Why did he want to…?

“I do,” Matty said answering Da’s question.

Da grabbed John hard by the back of the neck. It looked like his nails were nearly digging into the skin there John’s hands going to his mouth before Da stepped in front of him his back to us as he grabbed John’s shirt starting to pull it up, “We can make this fun. Give them a show,” he said as Uncle Ben let me go walking up behind Da.

“You’re not going to party without me, are you?” he asked kissing the back of Da’s neck Da laughing.

“Not me silly. Him.”

James came up to me hugging me wrapping his little arms tightly around my waist as he gasped like he was about to start sobbing, “Bud, you can’t cry. Not right now. It’ll draw their attention and as bad as they are hurting John we don’t want their attention.” I whispered to him touching the top of his head.

He nodded his head keeping his face buried in my side me thankful that he was closing his eyes before I felt someone behind me squeezing my waist, someone else that was small me sighing and starting to rub Mike’s arm with my other hand letting myself comfort them, worry about them as I glanced up in time to see Uncle Ben and Da lift John’s shirt over his head his whole body trembling as they started making out with him, against him, their mouths on his skin, all over his neck and shoulders one from behind and one from the front John shaking his head.

“No,” he barely managed loud enough trying to push Da away as Uncle Ben grabbed him wrapping his arms around John’s waist from being undoing his pants, “No. Please, please don’t. Please!” I felt Mike peeking out from around my back as I dared to glance at Matt. His eyes rapt on them smiling as he watched. My stomach dropping.

“Mike don’t look, Pal,” I barely dared to whisper watching John struggle his eyes wide, fearful as he tried to push them off.

“Please Da, please just let me go,” he said his whole body shaking, trembling as Uncle Ben kept sucking on the back of his neck Da rubbing his shoulder from the front as John’s pants fell to the floor me wishing I could cover their eyes, knowing that if they noticed we’d all be in trouble me feeling their little arms shaking as they encircled me as I glanced over to watch Matt, watching his face as he blinked suddenly frowning.

“Shhh, it’s ok baby. I just want them to see how special you are,” Da said as Uncle Ben grabbed John’s wrists bending them back behind him John struggling as Da started messing with his boxers as Da pulled them down his hips…exposing him.

I remember my eyes closing at that point. Not wanting to see it anymore. Not wanting them to do to him what they had done to me. Making all of them watch and Uncle Ben did that me. John howled, nearly sobbing as I opened my eyes again just to see Da nipping at his inner thighs nipping and licking up his legs before he…I heard James squeal his arms tightening around my leg.

“Bud, close your eyes, don’t watch,” I told him as I looked over to where Matt had been finding him not there.

“I’m sorry Mike,” I heard Matt said softly more weight being added to my waist and hips his weight joining my other two brothers who were using me to mostly hide from what they were seeing, “I’m sorry.”

“DA STOP!” I begged him hoping he would take mercy that he would listen instead his grip seeming to tighten on John’s waist as Uncle Ben chuckled lightly looking at us, watching us watch what they were doing. Him smiling as he looked at us watched us watching him and Da torturing our brother, our protector.

“You see this, boys?” he asked us smiling directly at us, “You know why he’s moving like that?” he asked us jerking on John’s arms a little bit his grip tightening, “Why your Da is so excited? Because it feels good. Your brother is getting ready to cum so hard for you Da. That’s just the way it should be because your brother is a good boy aren’t you Johnny?” He said kissing the back of John’s neck as it seemed like his neck lost the ability to support his head his eyes blinking, the whites of his eyes visible as his body shuddered Uncle Ben holding him up as his legs started shivering, shaking. As Da took him completely in his mouth before letting him go as they moved him over to the table moving everything over just by pulling up to tablecloth before pushing John onto it.  
They were going to…

“Are they going to do that thing?” I heard James barely mutter before he squeaked before he started sobbing.

“Shhh…,” I tried even though I was starting to cry too shaking my head, “You need to be quiet.”

John letting out a sob as Uncle Ben moved behind him pulling down his pants. No that, they needed to stop. I couldn’t take watching it anymore it didn’t matter what he did. What he said he could take. He couldn’t do this. I couldn’t let him do this. This was wrong. This was so wrong.

“DA STOP IT!” I screeched realizing I was crying, that my breathing was just as uneven as that of the little bodies clutching mine so tightly me unlatching tiny limbs from around my waist before I rushed forward coming up to Uncle Ben on his left side before he or Da could stop me kicking him as hard as I could.

Uncle Ben just laughed in response as Da grabbed me hard by the arm and then the neck throwing me down against the floor face first. My cheek hitting the marble floor making incredible pain shoot through my face and into my neck then down my spine. I had known someone would hurt me but I had figured it’d be uncle Ben.

, Not Da. Da didn’t usually do stuff like that to me Da holding my face down against the marble his hand forcing me to keep my face up against the floor my body bend double as I tried to use my legs to find traction trying to find a way to pull myself out of his grip to pull myself up as I heard Mike and James both sobbing and screaming loudly.

“You want a turn when we’re done Will?” Da asked as he stood up finally letting go of my neck my own hand going to the back of my neck as he let go, “I didn’t think so.” Da said walking towards Uncle Ben and John.

John screamed as Uncle Ben shoved his finger into him. Me almost feeling the burn as I watched it my head and the side of my face aching as I looked at them. My brain felt slow as I watched them. My face felt like it was already swelling as Da leaned over the side of the table his face next to John’s as Da licked his cheek John screaming louder as Uncle Ben added another finger before I felt a hand on my elbow causing me to look over.

“Come on Willy,” James said trying to help me up. John screaming loudly in front of us begging Da not to let uncle Ben do it. Not to let Uncle Ben rape him.

I shook my head, “Go. Go sit with Mike and James, I mean Matt,” I said shaking my head trying to clear my thoughts as I stayed where I was.

“I’m fucking hard,” I heard Uncle mutter as I looked up, looked up in time to see him undo his pants and rush to put a condom on as he smiled his eyes glancing in my direction as he did it. As he lined himself up to push into him, to force his way into John’s body.

James started sobbing giving me no choice but to pull myself into a sitting position and cradle him in my arms trying to hide his face in my neck so that he didn’t have to look. John suddenly going quiet gasping sharply before I heard him scream into something muffled before I looked up seeing Da’s mouth pressed tightly against his as he held the back of his neck keeping him face down against the table as Uncle Ben pushed into from behind grunting in satisfaction.

Da broke the kiss John’s whole-body locking, contracting as he shuddered his eyes wide as his hands gripped the edge of the table under him that was probably digging into his lower thighs the smacking sound of Uncle Ben thrusting into him as they both hit against the table sounding almost like someone punching cement. The sound something, I understood too well as John started at nothing, his chest heaving as his whole body shook. I listened to Mike and Matt sobbing somewhere behind us, me holding James and watching Uncle Ben’s eyes locking to mine me seeing it.

He wanted that to be me. He didn’t want John. He wanted me. He was just doing it to John to show me. To show me that there was nothing I could do.

It didn’t matter who I belonged to. There was nothing I could do to stop it. That if he couldn’t have me he would do whatever he could to make sure I understood he could always hurt me. 

That in some way he would always get what he wanted from me in one way or another. Him grunting as he lifted his weight grabbing harder at John’s right hip with his right hand pulling John back a little bit shifting his weight causing John to gasp, “That’s it, Johnny,” he muttered his smile widening as he watched me watching him rape my brother, my protector. My everything, “That’s it cum for me, Johnny. You know you like it. Cum for me.”

I shook my head his eyes locking to mine as Uncle Ben smiled madly at me grunting before he pulled out grabbing John’s butt in both his hands before he… I closed my eyes. He had to be kidding me. My whole-body shuddering as I watched him do it. John’s eyes wide staring at nothing while he stayed absolutely silent his whole body tense as Uncle Ben ran his tongue over John’s behind a couple of times before he let go coming over towards me, towards us.

“James,” I said shaking his shoulders, “James you have to, you ha…” I barely managed to push him away as Uncle Ben grabbed me by my hair.

“Hi baby, did you enjoy my show? I left some for you. You want it?” he asked me forcing my face forward again, forcing me against the ground as I closed my eyes tightly hearing Da hiss at everyone.

“You three can go. You ever tell your mum about this and you know those friends of mine that come over to see John? I will pass you around to them for free and then you’ll really know what pain feels like. But, if you’re good like John here then you’ll never have to experience that, you understand?”

I was pushed down against the floor Uncle Ben moving around behind me. I was pretty sure he was still naked from the waist down as he pushed me hard into the floor the side of my face that had made impact with it earlier the side he was grinding into the floor making it hard not to scream out in pain the swelling making my face feel kind of numb as he did that, as Da hissed at everyone someone asking a question I didn’t quite catch before Da replied his hands running up and down John’s back.

“Exactly, if you’re one of my good boys Jamie you won’t have to see my friends again for a very long time ok?”

Uncle Ben pressed up again my back as he loosened his grip on my neck allowing me to look up.

“GO!” I shouted at them all of them leaving the room quickly as I fought with Uncle Ben as best I could him grabbing my arms and bending them behind my back like he had done to John earlier. Before Da cleared his throat, Uncle Ben letting me go allowing me to stand up.

“What?” I asked them getting ready to stand up before Uncle Ben smiled widely at me.

“Didn’t you promise your Da something?” he asked me.

“What are you talking about?” I asked him frowning before I turned around checking to see if they were still there. Sure, enough they were paused in the doorway looking at us like they expected me to come with them, wanted me to come with them. All three of their little sets of eyes swollen from crying as they looked at us, looked at John and me. As I thought about what Uncle Ben was asking me.

No, I hadn’t promised Da…anything. No. I wasn’t doing that to him, not right now. Not after what they had just done. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. Me turning to look and see, noticing that everyone was looking at me, I could feel even Da’s eyes looking at me as he sat on the floor with John halfway in his lap John’s body beyond tired.

“Go on guys,” I said nodding my head and encouraging them to leave. To leave us there while they went upstairs to safety so that they didn’t have to exposed to anymore. As they went upstairs to be somewhere where they didn’t have to hear or see what was about to happen, “I’ll see you upstairs.”

I watched them walk away and Da must have too because the moment they were out of sight Da sighed, “Oh,” he said sounding excited as he understood something that must not have been connecting the moment before, “Will, come here,” he said as I turned to look at him as he waved his hand at me, beckoning me forward, “You remember before you left? Both of you said if I left Jamie alone you would show me how much fun the three of us could have together?”

I knew that’s what they were getting at. He was going to cash his rain check. He was going to make us…the idea feeling like lightning hitting me. Turning me to stone as John’s weight shifted on the floor where he was lying next to Da before he sat up, “no,” he barely said shaking his head.

“So, you remember don’t you baby?” Da said reaching out and putting his hand against John’s face for a second before his eyes turned back to me his smiling growing as he glanced between us licking his lips for a second, “You want to make your brother feel better?”

Did I want to do that to him? Whatever it was they wanted me to…? No, they had just raped him. They had…he had had enough. He was done. He couldn’t take anymore him barely holding on before we had even come downstairs. How could they…

“Da,” I said afraid I was going to say the wrong thing, “Don’t make us. Look at him. He’s barely alive as it is.”

“So?” Da asked his hand on the back of John’s shoulder starting to rub his neck, “Suck him back to life. Johnny, you want to see me beat in your brother’s nose?” Da asked John.

John shook his head looking at his lap as he sat there. As he avoided looking at me. As he made the choice for both of us. Even if I was refusing wondering what I could do for him to make up for them, for this. 

“If I do this will you let him sleep in his own bed tonight?” I asked Da getting to my feet finally moving forward towards them.

“Will,” John said his eyes going wide as his head snapped him before he shook his head slightly, “no.”

He was still trying to protect me even though he was beyond done. Beyond broken. Even though earlier I had sent him back to that place.

That place where Da had made it clear that John didn’t matter. That none of this, our family us, none of us mattered and yet he still wanted to protect me. To keep Da from making me do whatever he was about to force me into. How he was probably going to make me lay there or make me do something else with John, with my brother. My brother who had only ever done everything in his power he could think of to keep me safe. To keep things like this from happening.

“I mean it, John,” Da said looking at John, “I don’t care who does what to who at this point. Someone is getting sucked so either you get to it or he does or I swear to god I will lock you both down in the basement for a week until someone does it.”

Ok, I thought. Ok, all I had to do was…We both hated that though. Me trying to think about which one would be worse for him. Sighing as I figured it would probably be easier if I just let him…my face heating up as I sat down in front of him me looking at Da who nodded encouragingly at me as I leaned forward to kiss him, to tell him it was ok that I would let him do it if that’s what Da wanted. John’s eyes went wide him pulling himself backward away from me shaking his head.

Da really would lock us downstairs and I knew it. I knew he would make us stay down there until we did what he wanted me leaning forward even as John leaned away, “Come on,” I whispered quietly trying to stay calm putting my hand on his shoulder, “It’s ok John.” I said shifting my weight forward just a little bit before pecking his cheek my face feeling hot, too hot as I moved my lips to the left a little bit kissing him on the lips.

It felt weird. It made my stomach feel gross. Kissing him like that him pulling back and shaking his head as Da came up behind him wrapping his body weight around John keeping him from pulling back, “Just let him do it, baby,” I heard Da tell him before I…before I closed my eyes and just did it.

It made me feel nasty, horrible. Knowing I was forcing myself on him. That he didn’t want me to force my tongue past his lips as I reached my hand forward feeling it tremble as I reached for his…it feeling warm against my palm as I rubbed it placing my hand around it. John gasping into my mouth as I did it. As I touched him, touched his penis hoping that if I did it on my own they wouldn’t make us do anything else. That they would let us go. John wiggling against Da’s grip, before I felt a hand on my ankle underneath me causing me to look behind me for a second before Da pulled John backward breaking our kiss.

“Do it, baby, you know you want it. Our special boy huh?” Uncle Ben said into my ear.

I felt horrified feeling him behind me as Da looked at me expectantly nodding his head at me and smiling. So, they wanted me to…to give him oral. Them taking the choice away from us. Me hoping that I would be able to spare him that. That after everything else he wouldn’t have to go through that. Wouldn’t have to go through feeling my mouth on him there. Me doing that to him.

I sighed as Da nodded his head at me again John’s legs flat against the floor before I grabbed them John allowing me to part them slowly as I got onto my belly, my face in his lap as I put my hand there.

“Come on baby,” Uncle Ben encouraged me, “It’ll be fun. You like cock.”

“Yeah, you do because you’re my little cock slut right honey?” Da chimed in as I looked at him before looking up to John for reassurance.

His eyes were closed his chest heaving like he couldn’t stand looking at me. Knowing that I would do that to him. Make him feel that my heart breaking as I thought about how I was about to do that to him and how he hated it more than anyone else me closing my eyes before I did it, my tongue making contact with his skin.

It tasted different less salty than anyone else. Even Beau, a hint of something else there. Something I couldn’t name. Before I went to move away hoping that would be enough before I felt Uncle Ben climb on the back of my legs.

“Keep going,” Uncle Ben said breathing into my neck before he pushed my shirt up exposing my back and then kissed me in-between my shoulder blades his hands running up and down my sides stealing my breath as I looked at Da, looked at Da behind John hoping he would give me permission to stop. That he would tell Uncle Ben to stop.

“Da?” I managed.

“It’s ok Will,” Da told me smiling down at me as he held John while John’s body flexed and squirmed, “You’re doing good just keep going. Make your brother feel good, you’re all right.”

I swallowed trying to keep myself calm before I closed my eyes feeling Uncle Ben’s tongue slide along my back as I started licking again trying to use my mouth and hallow my cheeks too. Uncle Ben shifted his weight behind me pulling my pants and boxers down his tongue continuing to slide along my skin before he… Holy shit.

It was more of a thought my body reacting to that sensation as he started…his tongue flicking up against my hole as it got hard to breathe. I tried my best to keep licking as Uncle Ben pulled on my hips making my back arch into him as he buried his face in my asshole. Him snorting making obscene sounds as the sensation traveled up and down my spine making it harder for my brain to work, for my lips and tongue to do what Da wanted them to.

I couldn’t focus on that. He needed to stop if they wanted me to do it. To do it right and not mess up and hurt him. Not suck too hard or accidentally bite him my chest heaving as Uncle Ben plunged his tongue into me his moaning and grunting growing louder as he did it. My mouth finding it impossible to close as I tried to fight it, to fight my body. To do what Da wanted me to so he would let us go. So, they would just let us go.

It was going to be my fault we weren’t there to keep them safe if I couldn’t…please god just stop. Make him stop. Please make him…

“It’s ok honey, I’ll help,” Da said looking down at me before he started helping me rub him. His hand moving up and down his shaft as Uncle Ben buried his tongue deeper if that was even possible John letting out a sound between a moan and hum as he body tensed under my hands.

“That’s it, baby,” Da said as John shot all over my face, “Let your brother taste you, know how sweet you are.”

I remember some of it getting in my mouth that was frozen open but me managing to close my eyes before it got in them. Uncle Ben stopping what he was doing and dragging me backward as Da forced John to his feet.

“Good job baby,” Uncle Ben cooed shoving his finger into me and quickly feeling it like he was prepping me only he wasn’t before he shoved into me the sting surprising me even though it shouldn’t have. I should have known it was coming. I should have been ready for it the burn making my whole body shake as I clenched my fists it being the only thing I could do to keep from screaming, “Oh yeah baby that’s it. Let me fuck you. Let me…oh god yes…” Uncle Ben breathed into my ear me looking up seeing if I could find John if John was…me catching a glimpse as Uncle Ben hit something making me cry out and I saw John’s eyes meet mine.

Something changed him moving fast him managing to get Da to let him go as Da dropped to his knees before he jumped on my back or more Uncle Ben’s back Uncle Ben making a choking sound before he threw himself backwards a very loud cracking sound almost echoing off the walls as I Uncle Ben pulled out of me laughing.

“You want to play instead Johnny?” I heard Uncle Ben said Da managing to wade over to him before he grabbed John hard by the neck shoving himself into John’s mouth as…as Uncle Ben pushed inside him.

They were raping him again. They were doing it again because I was…because I was an idiot. Because I couldn’t do what I was told.

“Da, please! I’m sorry! I’m sorry, please! PLEASE STOP DADDY STOP HURTING HIM! STOP IT STOP IT!” I screamed getting up and going up to Da pulling on his arm as he held the back of John’s hide in a vice grip him pushing himself as far down John’s throat as he could manage.

“He hurt it he’s going to kiss it…” he grunted as he started fucking John’s throat John making some weird choking sound as he went limp, “better. There we go…that’s…oh yeah cum bucket, that’s it…that’s…” he trailed off closing his eyes his whole body shaking as he shot down John’s throat before letting him go John’s front half falling limply to the ground as Uncle Ben groaned.

“Wake up,” I said crawling over to John, “wake up. Wake up, Jack…You killed him! You…”

“Hey, he’s ok,” Da said grabbing me hard by the elbow yanking on me to get my attention smacking me across my already bruised cheek as he squeezed my arm, “Look at him. He’s fucking breathing. You know what he did to me? What you did to me you little fucking shits? You’re lucky I don’t call everyone who can be here and five minutes and let them fuck you raw or your brothers. I must say I like this look on you. It’s nice. You want to help him out?” 

Da grabbed his cock wagging it at me. So, I had to…to do that too otherwise he’d make John do it again and kill him or worse. He’d make someone else do it and I would never…I nodded my head swallowing. I took him as far into the back of my throat as I could letting him put his hand on the back of my head controlling the pace my throat beyond sore by the time he was done because I had to not just suck him off but get him hard again me gagging around him several times before I felt hands on my hips, Uncle Ben’s hands on my hips making it hard to breathe before I felt him…his tongue again just as Da shot down my throat with a groan my body too weak and sore to fight him off as he did it, as he propped my lower body up using his forearm Da holding onto my shoulders letting me hug him, hold onto him as Uncle Ben wrapped his hand around my penis starting to give me a hand job as he continued to use his mouth and tongue there, to eat my ass.

“That’s it, honey,” Da cooed rubbing my shoulders, “Come for us. Let us know how good it feels. That you wish it was our cocks. Because you’re our little slut, aren’t you? That’s why he loves you so much because you are always so hungry for cock aren’t you honey? That’s my good boy, that’s my…”

My whole body felt warm before that heat pushed out from me making my breath catch in my chest my eyes rolling as I shuddered, as my whole body shuddered and contracted with orgasm me hearing them saying something, but not sure what it was. Not sure what they were saying as Uncle Ben grabbed me forcing me onto my back him climbing on top of me licking my chest as my whole body kept shuddering.

“That’s it baby, pop, pop that pussy. Pop that beautiful boy pussy.” he said lining up using my body’s spams to force his way inside of me him moaning loudly as he penetrated me, “Oh god yeah. That’s it I’m going to…I’m going to…” I felt it. Him shooting into me, into my body as everything started to slow down as I started too… he laid down resting his head against my chest holding me as he pulled out.

So that’s all I was. Their slut. Their little slut Uncle Ben kissing and drooling all over my chest before he sat up bending over and grabbing me without warning, “You want to come with me tonight don’t you baby?” he asked me, “Want to sleep with me? I can give you whatever you want. I want so many things from you. Can I?”

He kissed my cheek. I just wanted to die. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I didn’t want to be a slut anymore. I didn’t want Lionel or Uncle Ben or anyone else to want me anymore. I just wanted to die. My whole body feeling raw as he carried me up the stairs and to his room laying me down on his bed him sighing as he laid down next to me, “I know you can hear me, baby. I know you’re in there.”

I felt his tongue on my chest my body arching into it my brain so tied I almost couldn’t…his tongue sliding down my chest. I was so tired of it. So tired of my…

“Please,” I said barely a whisper him kissing and sucking down my chest me not even able to…

It felt warm, weird warm. My head feeling…causing me to close my eyes and then suddenly I wasn’t me. I was watching him, us. Like a movie. Like a train wreck me finding it hard to think, to turn away. I could feel what he was doing to my body, his fingers going there, going inside of me making me aware that it was too…sticky, too watery. To something else I couldn’t put a name on as I felt that pressure in my stomach in the area starting below my pelvis and moving up into my belly button. My shoulders moving as I hit my body feeling his lips, his tongue.

“MMM,’ I heard before I could stop myself. Him stopping looking up at me his hand on my stomach.

“I love you, baby,” he breathed, “I love you so much. You want to give it to me, don’t you? Want me to love you. I love you so much more than he does. You won’t ever get too old for me. I promise. Not like him. I want to see…” he licked up my shaft, “This. This will be nice baby. I can just…” he wrapped his lips around me.

Shit. Shit, shit…no, no no…how…why? I felt my eyes rolling again everything tingling my whole-body shuddering. Him shoving his finger in a certain way keeping it carrying my whole body being hit over and over and over again me screaming until I couldn’t scream anymore him finally stopping and resting his head on my stomach sounding amused with himself as he muttered, “Now that was a what I call a screaming orgasm.”

That wasn’t funny. None of it was funny. He’d, Da and him. They’d made me do that to John. The thing he hated the most, we all hated the most and they had made me…Uncle Ben getting up for some reason letting me curl myself into a ball. I was pretty sure I was bleeding my whole body hurt. I really didn’t feel good and just wanted to shower and go to sleep in my own bed but, I was pretty sure he wouldn’t let me. That I wasn’t allowed to. I wanted to cry or scream but my face honestly hurt almost as bad as my body. Him coming back into the room.

“Come on baby. Let’s get you in the bath,” he said grabbing me and picking me up.

“But I…,” I started to protest.

“You’re bleeding, I know you’re bleeding so let me clean you up ok?” he said.

“Please, I can’t…please…,” I started sobbing.

“You already did baby, it’s over for right now. I get it but there’s a reason ok? There’s a reason, I promise,” he told me which surprised me.

Usually, he would tell me to shut up just like Da. That I shouldn’t say that. Even though usually that was when I said, “I don’t” or I didn’t want to do something and not “I can’t”. My whole body felt horrible. Him picking me up and putting me in the bath.

“I’ll get something for your face ok. Some ice?” he asked me to which I nodded my head.

I didn’t understand it. Now I had to deal with his mood swings too and not just Matt’s? My head throbbed and I just wanted to sleep in my own bed. I knew the boys were waiting for me upstairs. Waiting for both Jack and me to know that we were ok. That everything was all right especially after they had seen that. Seen Da and Uncle Ben molest us. Had watched them rape John.

He left leaving the doors open and then came back an ice pack in his hand holding it up against my face as I sat in the water him shaking his head sadly at me, “You shouldn’t have done that you know? You know how he is.”

I wanted to snort at that. He meant how they both were. Yeah, I knew but they needed to stop. He couldn’t handle it so I did the only thing I could think of to get their attention.

“You know what he’s like. You don’t touch what belongs to him unless he tells you that you can,” Uncle Ben muttered, “Da was just like him. Your grandpa. You think my temper is bad I know you guys do but him and Da, they were always worse. It just takes them longer to get there. Just looking at you I wonder if he broke your face. He’s lucky the boss likes him. Otherwise, there’d be a world of problems in his future.”

“He was hurting Jack…,” I said Uncle Ben closing his eyes for a second.

“Look you have to stop calling him that ok? Do you want to know why he named him Johnathan? Why that’s his first name? Your mum convinced him it was ok to name him after our Da if she swore up and down no one would ever call him Jack. Because that’s what people used to call Da. So, you need to stop because it’s just going to keep setting him off. They had a lot of problems with each other ok? So just stop.”

I didn’t know that. I hadn’t known that. That’s why he always got so mad at us. Because he hated hearing it. I stiffened as Uncle Ben leaned over the tub grabbing a washcloth with his free hand before he poured some body wash onto it placing it against my chest.

“You know what Dr…”

“I know. I got carried away and I’m sorry ok? At least it won’t be a huge problem since Lionel said he was going to do other things to give you time to heal. So, don’t say anything about it. If you do I will know,” he said simply rubbing soap into my chest.  
It was weird. Him being calm and not hitting on me or telling me I was hot but giving me a warning, explaining it. It explained a lot of things. Another reason why he was so angry with us. I knew Da had control issues but I didn’t realize those issues extended to Uncle Ben. It did make some sense though. Uncle Ben was the younger of the two. Uncle Ben was 26. Mum had told me he had been about 10 when Grandpa had died. That Grandpa had done a lot of things to Da and Uncle Ben that it had warped their brains and made them the way they were.

Uncle Ben was probably Da’s… I sighed closing my eyes before he kissed my cheek.

“Lean forward baby so I can get your back,” he told me.

“He still thinks you’re his?” I asked him quietly him stopping to look at me.

He sighed giving me a small smile before he shrugged his shoulders, “There are worse things. Da was always worse. In some ways, I’ll always be his.”

After that he went silent going back to rubbing my back, washing me. Me thinking about what he meant by he’d always be his in some ways. My brain trying to figure it out. It taking a minute or two. He meant he would always be his in the way that Da had taken something from him. Probably a couple of his first experiences with those type of things. Sex, love. I felt close to John. Maybe not in a sexual way but it felt almost like he was the first guy who ever really…really loved me. The first guy whose opinion ever really mattered to me.

Even if he was my brother he had been my first kiss. My decision with Beau taking that other first away from him, away from them and making it mine but just barely. If it weren’t for Beau John would have had that first too. The thought making me feel sick to my stomach.

“What are you thinking about, baby?” Uncle Ben asked causing me to look at him.

“Nothing,” I said shaking my head slightly, “It’s nothing.”

“I love the way you sound. England did you good. You don’t sound like anyone else,” he told me, “Hold this ok baby?” He told me taking the ice and holding it out for me to take to hold against my face myself.

He reached behind me and dumped some shampoo into his hands running it through my hair. I was too tired to fight him on it, my body too sore. He must have sensed how much pain I was in because he was being nice. So nice it made me feel weird. Made me wonder what he wanted. What the point of it was when he had already traumatized my little brothers again. When he and Da had raped John, raped me.

“Close your eyes, I’ll rinse your hair,” he told me as I closed my eyes him dumping a cup of water over my head before he sighed, “How are your legs feeling?”

“They hurt,” I answered honestly.

“What about your arms?” he asked me.

“A little sore but not as bad,” I told him, “Why?”

“Ok, I’m going to pull you up and turn on the shower I want you to hold the curtain rod and use your arms to hold up your body weight as I wash and rinse you ok?” he told me.

Wait? Wash me down there? I wasn’t…no. No.

“Baby,” he said getting my attention, “It won’t be like that ok? I’m just making sure your clean. That way as you heal back up you don’t get sick. If bacteria gets stuck in there it could make you really sick and no one wants that. So, I have to wash you very thoroughly ok?”

Yeah right. I remember thinking. Like I could believe he wouldn’t make it like that. That he wouldn’t do that. Me wanting to scream at him. To tell him just to not to that I would take care of it all on my own.

“Come on,” he said pulling the plug as the water started to drain, “It’s ok.”

He picked me up me wrapping my arms around his neck the pain shooting through my legs as I used them for the first time since Da had slammed me down on the floor. The shock of it to my system causing me to gasp.

“I know, I’ve got you,” he muttered, “I’ve got you.”

It hurt. It hurt so bad I felt like my whole body was shaking, my face finally not pulsing with every heartbeat. The nerves in my body too overwhelmed with the pain in my legs and ass to focus on the pain in my face.

“I know I’m sorry,” he said taking the ice from my hand and setting it down on the side of the tub, “I know. Just hold the curtain rod use your arms not your legs.”

He turned the water back on adjusting it before he pulled it so it was coming out of the shower head my arms shaking as I struggled to hold my own body weight.

“Ok this is going to sting, a lot because you are ripped but it’s for the best so just hold on a minute and it’ll be over,” he said before he put the shower head right up against my butt.

Oh my god. The sting. The fucking sting it felt like I was getting hit by a hot fire poker in the ass. It hurt so fucking bad. I’m pretty sure I screamed. This was worse than the concussion which I wouldn’t be surprised if I had one. Him saying something that I couldn’t even pay attention to as he rinsed my insides out much like I had done for Jay the night after the phone call with Lionel. Him stopping just in time to catch me as I lost my grip on the curtain rod falling into his arms.

“There we go, all done. All done ok?” he said, “I’ve got it. I’m going to go grab you some shorts and something to help make sure it’s not… yeah. I’ll be back.”

With that, he carried me over to his bed wrapping me in a towel and setting me down. My legs burned like I had just worked out again way too much. That’s what happened when your body wasn’t used to it anymore though. Used to being pulled at and pinched. Used to being raped.

I heard the lift kicked on before I heard someone climbing up the stairs. Quite muffled words as a door opened down the hall. It didn’t take long for the sound to start up. The muffled moaning through the walls and I knew what it was. The sound making me sick to my stomach. It was Da and John. In case no one knew that.

John was probably so tired at that point that he just didn’t care. There was nothing in him to try and keep himself silent. To try and keep it down his body taking control as he moaned loudly through the walls. Me barely able to hear the lift before I heard a pounding on the door making me jump.

“CONNOR KEEP IT DOWN! GEEZE!” Uncle Ben hissed loudly from the hallway before he opened the door. When he came in he had a pair of my underwear with him a panty liner already inside them him grabbing my legs and then slowly sliding them up before I put my arms around his neck again him helping me lift my body so he could get them past my hips.

“There you go baby,” he said rubbing them. Rubbing my butt through my underwear before rubbing my front.

“I…,” I started.

“Ok,” he said moving his hand, “Ok. Let’s get some sleep ok baby?”

I nodded my head. There wasn’t much else for me to do at that point. I wasn’t going upstairs unless he decided to help me. The lift kicking on maybe 20 minutes after he had shut off the light and hearing muffled voices out in the hallway for a couple of minutes before everything want silent the rest of the way.


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will wakes up tired and sore only to be told he needs to go downstairs and take care of his older brother to find him in the pool. John and Will discuss events from the night before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 969 to 990. **Warnings: Talk of rape/non-con, puberty thoughts because they happen, talk of puberty, mental health issues, anxiety** A lot going on in this chapter especially between John and Will. You get to see the inner workings of Will's very young mind and see some of his observations **John POV part 2 Chapters 5 and half of Chapter 6.**

I did fall asleep at some point. Me just wishing that my body would stop hurting, trying to deal with the pain until my body finally shut down. When I woke up it was to the sound of the lift kicking on Uncle Ben rolling over and hugging me, kissing my neck.

“You can go upstairs now baby. If you want to ok?”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head as I sat up my body still protesting but not so much that I couldn’t move, that I couldn’t feel my feet.

I hissed slightly as my feet hit the ground. It hurt. I couldn’t wait to take some Motrin hoping that it would help lessen the pain enough so I wasn’t walking like I had suffered from Polio earlier in life. I managed to mostly ignore it but then the throbbing in my face started up. I took the lift upstairs to find Alice in the kitchen cutting up fruit which made me want to smile my face hurting her looking up as the lift opened and almost dropping the knife in her hand.

“Ok,” she said nodding her head at me and turning and digging into the freezer, “Hold on sugar.”

I wondered how bad it looked but was too afraid to ask as she handed an ice pack to me sighing heavily, “Thanks.” I mumbled.

“Go lay down,” she said, “You might not be a part of my job but I am here and you will listen to me and take a rest today.”

“Alice it’s…,” I trailed off.

“Don’t tell me. It’s not my business. You go lay down and I will bring you some food and some medicine shortly.”

I went to my room shutting the door before it opened back up Jay and Mike both standing there their eyes wide as they stared at me. They both climbed into the bed hugging me wrapping their arms around me.

“What happened?” Mike asked me.

“Nothing,” I lied, “Nothing we’re …we’re both ok.”

“Da was hurting him, he threw you down,” Jay said quietly, “He hurt you, didn’t he?”

“Jay bud, we’re going to be ok. It’s nothing, ok?” I told him.

“You said we should try to be honest,” Mike pointed out to me.

“You saw what they did,” I said nodding my head agreement, “They hurt us but we’re both going to be ok. I promise.”

“So, they did it to you too? Is that why they didn’t come last night?” Jay asked me and all I could do was nod my head as I felt the rest of my face turning red in shame.

“Thank you,” Mike said, “I know you said that…that it…thanks. But there’s something I don’t understand.”

“You don’t need to thank me,” I told him, “It’s just hard right now. When mum gets back it goes back to what it was ok? This isn’t forever. You’re not 10. Not yet. What don’t you understand?”

“I know but…,” he said, “Besides Matty, it’s me. I don’t want it to be them. Just like you and Jack don’t. Why, if it’s special love why would Da? Why would Da let Uncle Ben do it too? He’s never… not before. I don’t…is he going to do that to me?”

“We can’t call him Jack guys. I can’t tell you why but we’re not supposed to call him Jack. John or Johnathan ok?” I told them and they both nodded their heads, “I know this is scary and that you don’t want to do any of this. John and I don’t want to either. I promise and I…I can’t tell you why Da did that. I don’t know. I don’t know if he’ll make you do that but I hope he won’t. Because I don’t want him doing that to you guys. You know that.”

“Can I stay with you, Willy?” Jay asked me suddenly hugging me, “I want to stay with you.”

I sighed. I wasn’t sure I wanted him there but I also wasn’t sure I wanted to be alone deciding that maybe it would be ok. That it would be safe. Because it wasn’t like Alice would protect them. Mike frowning as I nodded my head.

“What about me?” he asked.

“How about I stay with Jay for two hours and then you can come lay with me for two hours ok pal?” I asked him to which he nodded his head.

“I’ll help Alice watch the babies,” he told me getting up and leaving, shutting the door behind him.

“I’m scared,” Jay admitted to me, “I’m so scared and I want mummy.”

“Me too,” I said, “We’ll be ok though. We’ll find a way to be ok.”

“I don’t know Willy,” he told me, “The…the night before. Not last night but the night before…” his barely managed before he started shaking making my heart beat against my chest.

I hugged him tightly, rubbing his back, “Shhh…it’s ok bud. It’s ok. I’m right here. Whatever happened it’s ok now. Whatever Da did.”

“He said I was his,” he told me, “He said I was the ba…the leaders. I don’t want to be his. I don’t want to be his.”

Oh no. No. He’d already said Lionel could have him. Did Da even know the things Lionel would do to him? That Lionel did to me?

Did Da have any idea what…yes. Yes, he did. He knew exactly what Lionel did. Me flashing back to them having that conversation over top of me. How Lionel didn’t usually do those things in front of people because a lot of people thought it was weird or gross that he would…do that. Do that without making someone clean before. Put his mouth and tongue there while it was still dirty.

I didn’t want to be Lionel’s either. I had never wanted to be anyone's but Beau’s. Even after Cole had pointed out those things to me I stilled wished it was him. That he was there. My brain still not wanting to believe they were in anyway similar. Not wanting to believe that Beau had been just like all of them. My brain not ready to face that truth.

“I know bud,” I muttered into his hair rocking slowly, “I know. I don’t want to be his either.”

Just saying the words stung. Knowing that it was Da. That he was doing it. He was…he was giving us to him. Letting him hurt us. That whatever Da had let Lionel do to me I knew for sure now that he was going to let him do it to James. To James whose body wasn’t ready for any of that. Whose brain couldn’t deal with that? Me hearing the com kick on as someone spoke into it.

“Will!” Alice shouted, “Cole’s asking you to bring towels outside.”

That was strange. I didn’t want to bring towels outside but I had never known Cole to come around without Pat and where Pat was…John was. And where…oh shit. I stood up my stomach almost rebelling against the movement as I untangled myself from James. I didn’t want to leave him. I didn’t feel like leaving him but John needed something so I went downstairs and went to the laundry room me hearing a slight yelp as I grabbed clean towels from the laundry room.

“Ben, Ben let me go,” I heard Cole said as I came around the corner to see Uncle Ben pinning him to the wall by his wrists my insides going cold.

He and Da had raped me last night and John and yet they couldn’t even keep their hands off our friends? That was bullshit. The whole thing was beyond bullshit.

“Uncle Ben?” I said getting his attention him turning and smiling at me.

“Hey, are you ok? You’re walking,” he said letting go of Cole.

I looked at Cole, glanced at him. He was staring at the floor but he was soaked. Me cocking my eyebrow at him.

“He decided to go for a swim,” Uncle Ben said, “Are you going to answer my question?”

“I’m fine,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

“You’re sure?” Uncle Ben asked me.

“Yeah,” I told him, “What are you doing?”

“I was just saying hello,” he said coming up and grabbing me by the chin frowning at me, “Keep using ice ok baby?”

With that he let me go my heart pounding as he walked away from me Cole and I standing there silently until Cole heard the lift kicked on.

“Who kicked in your fucking face?” Cole asked me shaking his head at me.

“Who do you think?” I asked him shrugging my shoulders.

“Well from what I now know about all of this shit it could have been either of them. So, what did you do? It looks like they might have broken your orbital socket,” Cole muttered coming up to me his hand hovering near my face causing me to back up.

“It hurts. It’s not broken though,” I said pretty sure that it wasn’t broken.

“How do you know?” Cole asked me, “Ever broken your cheek and eye socket before?”

“No, but there’s not enough swelling around my eye. I can feel it. It’s my face. It’s just bruised it’s not broken,” I told him.

“Can I have one of those?” Cole asked me.

I walked over to him. For some reason, I had a weird feeling that Cole had not just decided to swim in his clothes in our pool. Even his socks and shoes were wet. He looked at me watching him and smiled.

“I got skittish and fell into your pool,” he told me, “Because of…” he sighed.

“Huh, yeah,” I said, “Are you going to be ok?”

“My brother is out there naked with yours so…you might want to…break that up before they both end up dead or missing limbs or…something else,” Cole mumbled.

I felt my face flush. Ok, so when did John start having sex with Pat in the middle of the day out in the backyard where Da or anyone else could just see? I opened the back door and walked out leaving Cole standing in our kitchen dripping wet with a towel in his hand. My body forgetting how much it hurt as I hurried outside me hearing the sounds before I even got to the pool. It did sound like they were…me hearing a very loud moan and then laughing, the sound of lips smacking as I got to the gate.

I cleared my throat loudly to let them know I was there because I wasn’t sure what else to do the movement of the water around them ceasing me thinking, oh thank god at least they won’t keep humping each other if they know I’m there. All I could think about was how dangerous what they had just been doing was. Especially if Pat had a contract. If Pat belonged to someone else he shouldn’t be doing that at all and I knew it just like Pat knew it.

“I don’t know what you guys are doing out here but you and I need to talk,” I muttered dropping the towels by the edge of the pool and turning around just as John started pulling his shirt up over his head even though you could very clearly see that under the water he wasn’t wearing anything else before I heard a lot of splashing.

I hadn’t really thought too much about what we had…what they had made us do because I was so sore and tired but I knew that we should. I knew that he would want to ask me if I was ok. If I hated him for it what Da had made us do it. Had made me do. If anything, he should have been the one that hated me. It was his body I put in my mouth even though I knew he would hate it. It wasn’t like they had given us a real choice but still. That said something.

“You really want to talk about it?” I heard him ask before I turned around to find them both wearing towels my face heating up as I looked at Pat.

It wasn’t like I hadn’t seen Pat naked before or nearly naked. I had just last time I had he had looked …different. He was taller and I noticed his oblique muscles were clearly defined, his arms more muscular too. That in just 8 months his body had changed a lot. Gained more definition making me wonder what he had gotten up to while we were gone. If he had started weight lifting or something.

Pat smiled at me and cleared his throat probably noticing I was staring my face heating up before I stammered, “I huh, kind of huh yeah.”

“Talk about what?” Pat asked grabbing John’s shoulder before he exchanged a look with him, “Oh! Do you want me to go inside?”

“What? You told him?!”

He had to be kidding me. Why would he do that? Why would he tell Pat that Da had… NO! NO! I felt like I was going to die of shame. And Pat didn’t care? He didn’t seem upset about it at all. If I had found out something had stuck their face in my boyfriend’s crotch I would have been livid but Pat didn’t seem phased even a little bit. Me trying to figure out if it being my boyfriend’s brother would have made me more or less horrified and angry as I looked at him utterly confused.

“Hey, he didn’t give me any details and don’t act like it doesn’t happen, ok? You know how many times Cole and I have been unfortunately close?” Pat asked looking at me.

Shit. Yeah no, that didn’t help my brain flashing briefly to wondering what Cole looked like naked as I felt my face get hotter a twinge of pain shooting through my face as I sighed trying to calm myself down. I know they called each other brothers but they weren’t really related. It wasn’t the same.

“Really? You’re going to compare that to what they made us do?” I asked him.

“Well, I don’t know what they made you do exactly because I wasn’t there. Like I said Rabbit didn’t offer me any details because you know he doesn’t really that about that stuff,” Pat said massaging the back of John’s neck with one hand as John stared at me blankly.

Oh god. I felt like he had told him something. He was right though, John didn’t do well talking about those things. My body starting to ache the longer I stood there. I was so fucking tired. I just wanted to go back upstairs and maybe go to sleep. My whole body felt beyond tired Pat clearing his throat to draw our attention.

“Come on, let’s go find clothes first,” Pat said before moving his hand from John’s neck to his hand their fingers entwining as they started walking slowly towards the house them moving around me and then past me as I looked at the pile of clothes on the ground and the jeans floating in the pool. 

I really hoped they came back out later and took care of that. It was kind of weird seeing my brother’s jeans floating just under the surface of the water. It made my brain go to this kind of “Well, our lives are fucked up.” Type of moment me staring at them as the swirled around the water wondering what had happened in the pool. What Uncle Ben or Da had probably done to get John out there in the first place.

We hardly ever used that pool. Swimming was dangerous at our house because it involved less clothing. It involved us and less clothing and usually them watching us. I had never liked swimming because of that. I was good at it but, I didn’t like it. I used to cry at school. When they made us do swimming lessons on Fridays. I always felt so…naked. Me getting lost in watching the jeans float along just beneath the surface of the water before I felt a hand on my shoulder making me jump.

“Whoa! Sorry,” Cole said, “Are you ok? What’s going on?” 

“N-nothing,” I said.

“No,” Cole said shaking his head as he stepped in front of me, looking at me, “Talk to me. It’s ok to talk to me.”

“I just …I don’t like swimming,” I answered.

“Are you remembering something? Something from being a kid?” he asked me.

“It doesn’t…,” I shrugged my shoulders.

“Hey, it does too ok?” Cole said his eyes worried, “Look it might seem weird to you but I understand what that feels like. Standing there and something random just reminding you of stuff. It’s ok that it happens. It’s ok that sometimes it’s scary.”

I sighed nodding my head, “My head does that sometimes.”

“Mine too,” Cole said, “I don’t like swimming either. Lionel use…” he trailed off looking at his feet.

He used to take him swimming. Like Lionel had taken me swimming. Before we had gone to the zoo. Before he had taken me back upstairs and…

“It’s ok,” he said looking at me and smiling nodding his head even though his eyes looked wet, “We’re fine ok? You’re going to talk to John because he needs to talk about it. Trust me. Even if you don’t want to or think it’s pointless it’s important you listen to him ok?”

I nodded my head trying to push thoughts of him away, of Lionel. Of the fact that I was his and that when he decided he was done with me he would do the same thing to James. Take him swimming and then bring him into a bed full of rose petals. Make it…the idea was horrible. Me closing my eyes.

“Come on,” Cole said hugging me, “It’s ok. It doesn’t have to mean anything just come back here. Focus on me ok? Your brother needs you. Trust me when it’s…when it’s your body it doesn’t matter if someone made you do it. You still feel responsible because you couldn’t stop your body from doing that. It’s always worse when it’s someone you care about. So, let him talk to you. I’m going to head upstairs once we get inside. Go see the kids for a bit. You need to talk to him for real.”

He let me go and grabbed my hand turning us and around and pulling me into the house. I knew he was right. We did need to talk about it. Talk about how it felt. How it was weird. How I was so sorry that I… Cole letting go of my hand as he pulled open the door nodding at me in encouragement as I walked into the kitchen hearing the voices down the hallway as they came into the kitchen and sat down Cole smiling at me reassuringly and walking past us and up the stairs to go up to the fourth floor and hang out with the kids.

I sat down next to them before looking at him, “Are you going to be all right?” I asked quietly.

I meant ok talking about it. I knew talking was hard for him. Like Pat said talking was hard for anyone when they didn’t feel safe. And I knew he didn’t feel safe at home. That none of it was ever safe. That we would never feel safe again, not really. Not as long as we were sharing a house with them. Living with them.

John nodded his head looking at me before he sighed resting his face in his hands before he looked back at me again. He was waiting for me to say something. To say I was sorry. That I was sorry I had put my mouth on him, done that to him. To admit to him I hadn’t wanted to do it. That I was going to let him do it if they would have allowed it just so he didn’t have to.

“Well,” I said looking at them both, “I want to start with I’m sorry.”

He sighed again his whole body relaxing with his exhale, “So am I. You don’t hate me?”

Me? Me hate him? Why would I hate him? He didn’t do anything to me. I was the one who…I was the one who put my mouth on him. Who had kissed him and …touched him. So why would I hate him? That didn’t make any sense to me.

“No,” I said shaking my head in shock, “It wasn’t your fault. None of it was your fault, John. I know that. I know you didn’t exactly want to do that especially since you’ve been trying your hardest to protect me from it my whole life. Are you going to hate me for it?”

He shook his head smiling at his hands folded on the table before he looked back at me Pat patting his back in a comforting way, “You know I didn’t want that to happen, right? The…well, that. It just happened because he was…”

“Basically, jacking you off in my face?” I questioned him as he cringed at my brash language, “Yeah, I’m aware your body had a normal response. That’s how it usually happens. What I don’t understand however is why on earth you threw yourself at Uncle Ben. He could have really hurt you.”

He would have. They had. Da had choked him on his dick until John had gone limp. I thought he had killed him. That they both had. That was the worst feeling in the world. I had thought my heart would stop if he was dead because it meant I was alone. And I couldn’t stand the thought of being alone. Of having to take care of everyone alone.

He shrugged his shoulders, “You were screaming. I did the only thing I could think of.”

“Well did you really want to be spit roasted in front of me? Because I certainly didn’t enjoy seeing it happen,” I admitted to him his face glowing as I said the words.

“Will!” Pat warned me shaking his head beside John who glanced at him, “Really? You have to talk like that about it, really?”

He did have a point. I didn’t need to be graphic but being reminded that he had done that. Done that for me made me angry. He mattered. He mattered and he didn’t even realize it. Didn’t realize how important he was and I wanted him to understand it. To know that it wasn’t just me that needed him. It was all of us.

“Sorry Pat,” I said, “But how else am I supposed to put it? Da shoved his dick down John’s throat and choked him while Ben shoved his up his business end that is what they call it isn’t it? Spit roasting?”

“You’re going to give him a panic attack talking it like that,” Pat said shaking his head at me.

“No, I’m ok,” John said running his hand through his hair, “I would rather it be me than you.”

He looked at me his eyes as tired as I felt. Of course, he would. That’s what he had been doing my whole life. Making sure it was him and not me. Not whenever he could help it. I didn’t see the point. The point in him continuing to protect me when my life was about to get so much worse in so many ways when he didn’t know a thing about it. About how bad it was all going to get. I understood that he wanted to protect me but there was only so much he could do. He was 13 years old. He was barely older than I was.

I shook my head, “You have any idea how much crap Ben has put me through? What he was doing to me? That was nothing compared to what he has done in the past. I was ok…I really was it’s just he…hit something the wrong way and it hurt so I kind of screamed ok?”

I knew he didn’t know I was hurt there. He wouldn’t have. No one would have unless Da had told them. I had a feeling Da wouldn’t tell anyone anything if he didn’t have to. No one understood how bad it hurt. At least I was convinced of that, how bad my whole body stung because of one little…because of a tear on the inside of my body because they had been too rough. Because they had pushed too far and done too much. Me not sure if it mattered. If I even wanted him to know I was hurt like that looking at the table top, at my own hands thinking about it, about if I should tell him or not.

John sighed before he put his hand on top of mine making me look at him, “How are they doing?” he asked gesturing with his head towards the stairs.

God. They were freaking out all over the place. I wasn’t even sure if I should tell him that. He had enough to worry about. He watched me his eyes soft waiting for me to answer him, to let him know what was going on.

“Scared,” I told him, “James doesn’t understand why Da would do that especially in front of us and why he would let Uncle Ben hurt you like that. Mike is confused as to why Da would let Ben do that in front of Da to you and Matt hasn’t said anything. He hasn’t asked any questions, hasn’t talked to anyone and I’m not sure if he’s traumatized or what but he’s not speaking.”

Pat looked at me. He looked like he had something to say but I wasn’t expecting him to ask what he did, “Can you tell me what happened?”

It was weird. He had never really asked anything directly before but maybe he did because he felt confused and he knew John wouldn’t tell him. That he understood it was a big deal because it was something John and I had never dealt with before. I had never really been with someone my own age before besides Beau. He didn’t seem upset or angry about it when he asked. More concerned. Concerned about how it was affecting us. How we were dealing with it.

“Uncle Ben held him still while Da gave him a blow job,” I told Pat, “Then Da let Uncle Ben rape him on the dining room table in front of us.” I barely managed to answer.

“That’s not normal. Even for brotherhood members that’s not normal by any means. That’s just psychological torture.”

“I can’t pretend to know why he did it,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “He just did.”

“I’m not sure how to talk to them about it,” John confessed, “I should have fought harder. Said something. Did something, I don’t know.”

“What do you mean?” I asked him my forehead hurting a little as I frowned at him, “You screamed no at them. You told them not to. You tried to get away, you did. I was there, I saw it and anyone that was there would have to be an idiot to think you didn’t try your hardest to make sure it didn’t happen. You threw yourself at Ben knowing very well you were probably going to get hurt but you did it anyway for me. How on earth could you have fought harder?”

He was crazy if he thought anyone could think differently. He had screamed at the top of his lungs and begged. He had begged Da not to let Uncle Ben do that to him. Not just because it hurt but because he didn’t want them to see it. Just like I hadn’t wanted them to see it. I had wanted them to stop hurting him. To stop doing that to him because it wasn’t just…they had done it on purpose to throw it in our faces that we couldn’t stop them. That we were too weak and too stupid to stop them. That they could do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted and there wasn’t a damn thing we could do about it.

John’s tongue went to his back moral blinking at me before his face flushed as he answered, “Da. Da when he made you…”

What exactly did he expect himself to be able to do there? I had Uncle Ben on my ass pushing me down as Da held him back, held him so he couldn’t cover himself and he told us we would be locked downstairs until we did it. He probably would have done it too. I didn’t doubt that. That Da would lock us downstairs and just make us stay there until we did it. Make us stay there while he raped them. While he made them scream and then only let us go back to them when they were screaming messes, when they were wetting their beds again and not speaking because they couldn’t stand to be in their own skin.

Because he had made them hate themselves as much as John and I both hated ourselves. I had no doubt he would have done it. And I couldn’t believe that John thought there was another way out. Another way out where I wouldn’t have had to…or he wouldn’t have. There was nothing else we could have done then but do what he wanted us to. That was all there was to it.

“You heard what he said. He was going to lock us downstairs until we relented and did it anyway. I just took out that part of the equation so we could move on with our lives. I wasn’t even that good at it. He had to jack you off for you to actually orgasm,” I told him shrugging my shoulders.

“Only because you were getting…,” he trailed off his face going red as I felt my own face heating up too.

I didn’t want to think about that. I hated that. I hated that as much as I hated their mouth on my front. It was horrible.

“What? My ass eaten?” I answered him, “Yeah, that was kind of distracting. If Da wouldn’t have done that though you wouldn’t have given them what they wanted, I’m sure of it. I’m not stupid. I knew you didn’t want me to do that just like I know you are very aware I didn’t want to. I don’t blame you for it, John, I really don’t. None of this was your fault”

John’s face contorted like he was going to start crying him slamming his hand down on the table lightly as he shook his head, “I should have fought harder.”

Pat sighed rubbing his back before he grabbed the back of John’s neck lightly making John turned to look at him, “Rabbit, you’re 13. You’re not strong enough to fight off two grown men ok? Give yourself a break. Be nice to yourself. You tried your hardest, all right? Please be nice to my Rabbit ok?”

He turned in his chair to face Pat hugging him burying his head in Pat’s shirt hugging him tightly. He really thought it was his fault. Cole had been right. He thought it was his fault. That he did it and he didn’t do anything.

It was me. It wasn’t him it was me. None of this was his fault. Not even a little bit. I stood up wishing Pat wasn’t there, wishing that John would listen to me, would believe me.

“John,” I said putting my hand on his shoulder, “None of this is your fault.”

He sniffed trying to hide the fact he was trying not to cry. Trying to hide what he was feeling from me. Like that would help. Like him not letting me know he was scared too would somehow help me, help us, “Sometimes I think it is,” he barely whispered as Pat kissed the back of his head.

“Why?” I asked him.

“If I wasn’t me…then maybe Uncle Ben never would have done what he did. Maybe Da never would have thought it was a good idea to do it too,” he said quietly into Pat’s shirt.

That felt like a punch to the stomach. That’s what Matty had told me. That it was John’s fault for being him. That it was him who made Da like that when it wasn’t. It wasn’t. It hadn’t been because of John at all. It had always been because of Da.

“Their sick Rabbit. It has nothing to do with who you are. They’re sick and you were just a little boy that wanted people to love him. They saw that and they took advantage of it. They would have done that to any little boy,” I heard Pat whisper in his ear.

“He’s right you know? It doesn’t matter what you look like, who you were. They still would have done it because they wanted to. You didn’t make them do anything they didn’t already want to or weren’t already thinking about,” I told him rubbing his back as Pat ran his fingers through his hair.

Pat smiled at me sadly nodding his head in silence as if to thank me. Thank me for assuring John that it wasn’t him. That he had nothing to do with him. When the truth was it didn’t. It never had anything to do with us. I realized it myself just telling that to John. It wasn’t us. It was always them. It would always be them. Pat frowning at me keeping his arm around John as John clung to him tightly, “Where is Cole?”

“Upstairs,” I answered, “he went up there with the kids and Alice because I’d rather they weren’t alone with her. Who knows what bullshit she’d fill their heads with. I’m convinced she’s a freak.”

Just how bossy she had been. How she had washed James like that. To me, it still didn’t seem right. How I had looked at her and she hadn’t even let me try to explain away my face or how I was moving funny but told me not to say anything. Had sent me to my room and just told me to rest.

“No, she’s not like,” Pat said shaking his head as he untangled himself gently from John whispering something in John’s ear I didn’t hear before kissing his cheek.

“I don’t know,” John said standing up and shrugging his shoulders, “I don’t want to talk about it anymore though.”

He shook his head. He looked so tired. I was pretty sure he hadn’t gone upstairs last night either. Me not having the heart to tell him I hadn’t made it upstairs myself. That Uncle Ben had taken me to his room, to…to lay with me. To sleep next to me.

“Ok well, Will and I will talk to them about it if they have to. You don’t need to talk about it ok?” Pat told him and I nodded my head in agreement.

“Matt’s going to want to talk about it with me and I don’t think I can handle that,” he told us pinching his nose like his eyes were burning.

I sighed. Matt. Fucking Matt. I was afraid to know what Matt we would find when we went upstairs. If it was going to be the Matt who told me he felt bad that he wanted to do things he knew he shouldn’t or if it was going to be the other Matt. The Matt that liked to see people in pain. That had wanted to watch Da do those horrible things to John. Me resting my hand on John’s shoulder to comfort him as we started walking upstairs, “I’ll deal with Matt, ok?”

I heard the door open, I think all of us probably heard it at the same time turning around to see them. The two people John couldn’t stand. Me wondering why they were there. What they were doing as I heard someone else going down the other staircase in the foyer. It felt like I had gotten punched in the chest as Pat turned and nearly shoved both John and I backward up the staircase.

“God he’s changed,” Hank muttered nearly licking his lips at John as he saw me my heart in my throat as I tugged on John’s elbow trying to keep him ascending the stairs his whole body going stiff and his face turning solid white.

Shit, shit, shit, oh fuck. NO, no. They were going to fucking torture him. They were going to do something really bad to him.

“Dad why are you here?” Pat said shaking head angrily. Pat was not happy to see Hank, not even close.

“I got a call inviting me and today is my day off so here I am,” Hank said shrugging his shoulder looking at John, “I bet you’ve gained some inches in more than one place.”

With that John’s face went red him looking down at the step under him.

“He has,” the other guy said. The guy from the movie theatre, Leo.

It was Leo. Leo that John hated. That John was more afraid of than anyone else. Even Da. Me holding tighter in his elbow in case he fell, in case he stumbled both looking at him like he was an antelope and they were lions. Licking their lips for real this time like they were hungry their whole beings smiling in this evil way that made my stomach twist in anxiety.

“You have play time with him too?” Hank asked Leo looking away from us at to each other.

“Yes, we do. Don’t we sweetheart?” Leo said his eyes turning back to John.

He was frozen stiff on the step right under me. He didn’t need to be here. He didn’t need to be subjected to this. Whatever it was Da was going to let them do to him. This wasn’t fair. This wasn’t ok.

“John, come on,” I tried pulling on his arm lightly again, “You don’t have to stand here and listen to this. We can go upstairs. We’re ok. Come on!”

He wasn’t moving. He was too scared his own body weight anchoring him to the spot as he stared at them his eyes wide. I could feel his fear coming off him in waves. And then something, there were two of them. Two of them and Uncle Ben and Da were coming downstairs. Or at the very least Uncle Ben. The math didn’t add up until it was…

I couldn’t breathe. They weren’t supposed to. They knew they weren’t supposed to. It hurt too bad. The whole thing hurt too bad. Pat stepping directly in front of John blocking their ability to see him, to look at him like that.

“I’m talking to you Dad,” Pat said squaring his shoulders trying to make himself look bigger in his sweatpants and t-shirt that were a little too tight on his body, that were probably John’s, “Look at me. Don’t look at him. Why are you here? You shouldn’t be here.”

“Connor told me I could be so here I am,” Hank repeated himself shrugging his shoulders again as Leo sat down on a stool at the kitchen island his eyes meeting mine for a second.

I didn’t like what I saw there. It was almost like they were dead inside. Like Matty’s eyes got when he was being difficult. When he was saying things about how it was someone else’s fault him and Mike got hurt. How he wanted to touch someone. How his eyes looked sometimes when he laughed at nothing.

“This one yours?” Leo said his eyes moving to Pat as I tried tugging on John’s arm again.

“Yep, this is my kid, Paddy,” Hank said nodding his head.

“Nice job,” Leo said, “I mean he’s not as beautiful as John sure, but he’s still got some nice assets.”

Shit. Yeah, this wasn’t…this wasn’t good.

“Oh yeah,” Hank said nodding his head, “That’s what everyone says. Wait until you see him without clothes.”

I felt my face heating up. Yeah no, I was… NO, “Come on,” I barely whispered pulling on John’s arm again about to leave him and Pat there as Pat’s neck flushed like he was blushing.

“I can hear you, you know?” he said his voice barely steady.

“Come on,” John said surprising me finally unfreezing, “Let’s just go upstairs. That way we don’t have to hear them ok?”

“Ok,” Pat said looking at John for just a second and nodding his head, “I’m not taking my eyes off them though. They are giving me the creeps.”

Just now they’re giving you the creeps? They’ve been giving me the creeps since they walked in the door. I thought to myself as I let go of John’s elbow and turned running up the stairs feeling like I couldn’t breathe. Why would Da…why? I just wanted to know why. Why he hated us so much. Because if I hadn’t realized last night he was mad I knew he was mad now. This was proof that he was pissed at us. I just wish I could figure out why. 

My brain had trouble connecting it to us. That maybe he blamed us, blamed us for leaving and not mum. That maybe he thought we had decided to leave and not mum. Maybe he thought it was our idea. Our idea to go away. He had told me before he thought mum was stupid. Uncle Ben had told me the same thing so maybe they really did think it was our fault. Us getting into the lift and going up to the fourth floor Pat’s legs nearly buckling as he stepped off John barely catching his weight as he stumbled.

“You ok babe?” John asked him sounding worried.

“Yeah,” Pat said nodding his head as I watched them, “I’ll be all right it’s just been a little while since… never mind. I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. Are you ok?” he asked John.

So, he wasn’t going to tell him. Tell him about Da and Uncle Ben. About his summer and what they had done. That’s why he was shaking like he was. Because it had been his summer. Mostly. Them doing those things to him over and over like they did them to us.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m all right,” John said looking back to me, “Will?”

“Yeah, pissed but fine,” I said shaking my head. Only lying a little bit, “I can’t fucking believe him. When is he ever going to let up?”

“What do you mean?” John asked frowning at me, “It’s not you they are here for.”

I doubted that but I knew my ass stung just thinking about it. I knew I had stopped bleeding in my sleep but none of that really made a difference when Leo had locked eyes with me. None of it really mattering if it was about me or not. He needed a break just as bad if not more than I did.

“No, it’s not but that doesn’t make it any easier. I know why they are here John. You think it’s easy for me watching you completely lose it because you can’t catch a break? After last night I’m surprised you aren’t just a ball of raw nerves tucked in a corner somewhere. You think it’s easy watching you freak out? I understand why you are, I get it completely but it’s not easy for me. It’s not easy having to explain to everyone why they have to leave you alone because they do want to be with you. They want to spend time with you because you’re our big brother and we love you,” I said shaking my head at him.

How did he not understand that? How did he not understand that I needed him, that they needed him and if Da wouldn’t stop, wouldn’t stop punishing him, punishing us there was no way we were ever going to make it? That we would ever be ok doing this on our own because who knew when mum was coming home?

“Even Matty? Because if he wants to spend any time with me it’s to make me squirm,” John said.

I sighed. Yeah Matty had issues though, “Yeah well, Matt is sick. I didn’t understand how sick but you realize he took nearly as many vitamins as you did when we were in Montana. Mum told me he was sick like you were sick but he’s not. You know how you took antidepressants and I took antianxiety pills? I’m pretty sure Matty wasn’t taking antidepressants. I think he was taking antipsychotics. You know what that means? That means his brain doesn’t work the way our brains work. That there is something wrong with him that he was born with. I didn’t realize it at first ok? I didn’t realize that until I looked up the name of one of the medications he was taking. Guess what? Since we got back no one has been on their medication which is probably why your anxiety attacks have increased and you seem to be in a funk at least partly, ok? I will deal with Matty. Just know Matty is sick and it’s not his fault alright?” I told him exhaling heavily.

John just looked at me in silence for a moment before nodding his head, “Ok.” He said quietly before I went into the kitchen to get a drink seeing Matty and Mike in there sitting at the table with some books Open Alice next to them whispering something in Mike’s ear her hand on his shoulder.

“So, it’s 3 times 5 which is 15 and then 3 times 4 and then 3 times 1?” Mike asked her.

“Yes, but don’t forget to carry your one so instead of being 3 times 4 it’s 3 times 4 plus 1,” she told him patting his shoulder before she moved away frowning as she noticed me staring at them.

“Will, what’s wrong? You’re coming back up here to rest some more, right? Let me grab you some more ice sugar,” she said.

I shook my head. I didn’t know what to tell her. I didn’t know if there was anything I could tell her. I didn’t know if she even really cared that there were a bunch of men downstairs that wanted to rape my brother. That may be even wanted to rape me.

“Will what’s wrong?” she asked me coming and putting her hand my shoulder moving me away from them a little bit keeping her voice low, “Tell me what’s going on you look scared.”

“Guys,” I said trying to shrug my shoulders finding my whole body shaking, “Guys downstairs.”

She nodded her head looking at me, “Ok, I need you to stay calm,” she told me, “And try to just do whatever your Daddy tells you ok?”

WHAT? Was she kidding? Did she expect me to…us to just…? No. No. I was so tired. I was so fucking tired my body hurt so bad. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to. I shook my head backing away from her.

“Will, think of it this way,” she told me, “If it’s not you and John and you don’t behave think of who else gets hurt too.”

Her eyes were wide but they looked sad. Like she was sorry she was saying it. Sorry that it was true. Me wanting to cry as I shook my head the com crackling as I looked over at the wall her putting her hand on my shoulder.

“When you come back,” she whispered, “I’ll be sure I make you something that you like ok? Do you want some cookies? Chocolate chip?”

“I like raisin better,” I said numbly.

“Ok then,” she said nodding her head and smiling at me sadly, “Raisin it is sugar. You go down there and you be a hero like I know both you and John are and we’ll all be here waiting for you when you get back ok?” 

I nodded my head as I heard my name over the come, “… Will, John, come on. All four of you.” 

I looked over to where John and Pat were standing a few feet away from the com Pat walking over to hit and hitting the button like he was angry at it, “We need some time. Give us 10 minutes please.”

It crackled Da sighing into it, “All right. 10 minutes, don’t take too long, I’m counting.”

Cole got up coming out of the living room looking at me, coming over to me as we both looked down the hall Pat sighing before he loudly said, “Cole we’re going to John’s room for 10 minutes to huh, play cards. You want to come?” he asked grabbing John’s hand and pulling John towards his room.

“Sure, yeah,” Cole said nodding his head at me as we followed them Pat shutting the door behind us when we entered the bedroom pulling out a pack of smokes.

“You’re smoking in here?” I asked.

That was something I didn’t know John did. I remembered a fight about it at dinner once between mum and Da. However, I hadn’t seen him smoke once in Montana. I had seen Beau smoke and told him it tasted gross so he had quit for me. But, I don’t remember John ever smoking. Not with Heather, not with Jason, not with anyone. Not the whole entire time we were gone.

“You breathe a word you’re dead,” John said as Pat handed him a cigg.

“He won’t,” Cole said looking at me, “Right, Will?”

No use in stopping him. Any of them really, they were as scared as I was. He had said their names too. We all knew what was going to happen. Alice even knew what was going to happen. There wasn’t any way to stop it. So why not make sure we really deserved it?

“Can I have one?” I asked looking at John.

His tongue went to his back moral as he thought about it blinking before he nodded his head, “Ok, just one.”

Really? I could really have one, “Awesome.”

Cole smiled laughing silently as Pat handed me one John climbing onto his bed and opening the window before Cole held the lighter out for me.

“Ok now you just breathe it in,” Cole told me, “Like…” he did it and then blew smoke out, “It’s easy. It’ll calm you down.”

I nodded my head trying it and coughing a little. It wasn’t horrible but I wasn’t sure it was something I enjoyed doing. It tasted weird not like Beau’s smoke it was different. 

Something about it tasting different. Something I couldn’t put my finger on even though Beau had never let me smoke one of his for my own just to try it. I wasn’t sure it was helping me feel any less nervous but I felt like one of the gang. Like they were including me not because they had to but because they wanted to and that made me feel a little less alone, less isolated.

“You think this will be all night?” I asked not sure what they thought about it but, knowing that I was going with them, that this included me. I had only been downstairs like twice in the past and it never ended well. 

“Probably,” Cole answered me nodding his head, “I don’t know what they are planning.”

Awesome. I wish someone did have a slight idea. That way they could tell me it was ok. That it wasn’t going to be as bad as I thought it was. It was obvious one thing that they were planning though me saying it.

“To rape us. What else would they be planning?” I asked more as just a general statement not thinking anything could be worse. However, I was wrong Pat sighing as he looked at me before he spoke all three of them looking at me like I was…like I was just a kid that didn’t know anything. That hadn’t experienced any of the things they had that I hadn’t…hadn’t been with him. Didn’t know they did weird things. Weird, scary things sometimes.

“Well,” Pat said quietly his forehead creased in a frown before he leaned over John who put his hands-on Pat’s hips as he flicked some ash out the window over top of John, “Sometimes it’s different. Sometimes it’s…they go one on one and like just trade us around. Other times it’s…” he shook his head.

“Sometimes they lock some of us in a cage while all of them do one person at once,” John said quietly.

What? They were…I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t…in front of everyone? In front of each other? That didn’t make any sense why…, “They make you watch while they…”

“No. They’re usually too occupied to see whether we’re watching or not but we have to hear it so,” Cole shrugged his shoulder, “Yeah. It’s harder when they do it that way. Knowing you can’t do anything to help the person they are…with.”

God that was sick. My brain flashing to John, to watching my Da do that to him. To James. James who cried and screamed as he squeezed my hands because there was nothing else I could do to help him. Nothing that I could…the idea making me feel like I was going to throw up.

How was that ok? How did they think any of that was ok? That it was all right to force us to do that with them. My brain thinking about how I had already…how bad it was going to hurt if they did something in a group. How I had already had group sex not just last night but two nights before that. After Dr. Palmer told me I was supposed to…that they were supposed to give me a break. That I wouldn’t heal if they didn’t give me a break.

“It’s not easy,” Pat said leaning out the window again where he was still straddling John’s lap before throwing his butt out the window and kissing the top of John’s head before he got off his lap and turned around to face me, standing up, “You two ready?”  
I had mostly finished my cigarette Cole holding out his hand to take what was left of it and throwing it out the window. Was I ready? Was I ready to be…again? No. No, I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want them to do that. Me doing what I could to hide how scared I was as I looked at John forcing myself to give him a small smile.

He looked just as terrified as I felt. I knew da wasn’t leaving him alone. Hadn’t been leaving him alone. After Lionel had come I had gotten a night off. After he had raped me twice. Once with Da and once with Uncle Ben thinking about it making me feel sick making me wonder if…my face going red.

They hadn’t used anything since I had gotten home. So, it made me wonder. I wasn’t even thinking about the health risk but more the way it felt. How sticky and gross it made me feel. How I didn’t want them doing that again. How Lionel had…

“As ready as I can be,” Cole said his voice bringing me back to the present, “Let’s get this done.”

Cole let Pat and John walk in the front of us putting his arm around my shoulder for a second, “Are you ok? You went somewhere for a second.”

I nodded my head. I didn’t want to tell him about that. I kind of new that could be a part of having a contract. Doing it that way but that didn’t mean I wanted him to know I was thinking about that. That I was thinking about him.

“I’m fine,” I lied.

“It’s ok to be scared,” Cole told me as we stepped into the lift going silent.

I could tell that everyone was just as upset and scared as I was even if it was for a different reason. Everyone’s faces stone as they wrapped their arms around themselves. I really didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to listen to this happen to my friends, my brother. I knew I couldn’t just refuse to go though. If I did that someone would pay badly and it would be my fault.

I wanted to scream and found that I couldn’t. That I couldn’t find my voice. I stepped out as soon as the lift opened expecting everyone else to come out with me only to hear the lift close behind me as I took a couple more steps down the hall me turning around and running back to it feeling the panic rise.

“Shhh…,” Cole said grabbing my arm.

“But aren’t they…?”

“No, they’re coming trust me. Pat’s just worried. Just give them a second ok? I know this is scary that it’s something you haven’t…”

“I did it Friday,” I told him, “I did yesterday. It’s not new.”

“You didn’t do it like this and you haven’t in a while. Just like John ok? Pat is just trying to calm himself and John down. Like you need to calm down,” Cole told me.

“I’m calm,” I told him.

“No, you aren’t I can see it. If they see you’re scared they’ll be that much worse. You need to try and make your face blank. Hank gets off on the fear. It’s one of his favorite things about doing what he does. Especially if you aren’t his type. So, you need to wipe that look of terror out of your eyes and breathe,” Cole barely whispered to me.

I shook my head. I didn’t know how to do that. My brain focused on the fear, the pain. Having to watch or listen to my friends go through that.

“Hey, hey. You’re going to be fine if you just calm down,” Cole whispered to me.

“I’m …. they’re not supposed to…,” I said shaking my head.

“They will have already talked to him about it. We’re not allowed to discuss that stuff but do you think they hold themselves to the same standards? No, trust me they all know that you’re with Lionel. They will have asked for his permission,” Cole told me.

“But why? I’m torn so why?” I asked him Cole’s face going slightly green.

“They huh…someone is pissed,” he told me shrugging his shoulders.

“When are they going to not be pissed?” I asked him.

“I don’t know but try to calm down. You’re shaking Will,” he told me grabbing my hand, “Calm…”

He looked into my eyes. His eyes seemed almost like they were glowing him close to my face smelling like smoke, His eyes soft even though his face was covered in worry me feeling this weird pull, feeling myself leaning up just lightly, leaning forward before we heard the lift door open.

I was going to kiss him. I hadn’t meant to…to feel that, to almost do it but I had. I had almost done it internally cursing myself. It was stupid. So fucking stupid. Pat and John coming out of the lift and Cole shaking his head at them, “Come on guys the faster we get down there the faster they finish, hopefully.”

I sighed hoping he was right as they all walked in front of me staring down the stairs. Down the stairs towards them. Towards Da and his friends. Towards what they were going to do to us.


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After making it safely upstairs Connor demands their presence in order to help entertain their guest. Leaving the boys subjected to a night of pain and terror.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 990 to 1034. Yes, a long chapter, however, it's worth it. I think. Lots of graphic stuff. There is talk about bowel movements because they don't live in some magical fairyland where people don't have to shit after having their colon repeatedly irritated. It's life. People crap. It happens. **Warnings: rape/non-con, forced anal fingering, forced anal, forced kissing, forced oral, sensory deprivation, forced restraining, mental health issues, mental breakdown, anxiety, fighting, forced begging, graphic sexual language** Yes, they actually speak like that. About people, about children. **John's POV part 2. Chapter 6.**

As I came down the stairs I felt so sick I felt dizzy. Da sitting at the counter while Uncle Ben and Hank leaned over it talking to him. Leo standing near the door. Leo and Hank both looking at John as we finished coming down the stairs all of us kind of lining up against the wall under the stairs trying to keep our backs away from them. 

I don’t know if that was instinct or an actual thought I just know I didn’t feel safe. That I didn’t trust them. Not with me or anyone else there. That I didn’t want to take my eyes off them. That watching them watch us felt…strange. Me watching every movement they made, trying to figure out what they were thinking. What they were going to do next so that I could imagine changing it. Doing something different to make them…make them change their minds.

“Nice of you to join us,” Da said standing up and walking closer so that he was maybe 10 feet in front of us pacing standing tall with his arms behind his back like he was in command, in charge.

Me knowing that he was. That none of it would have been happening if he didn’t want it to. That none of it would be happening if he hadn’t called Lionel and asked him if it was ok. If he could share me. That he knew I was hurt or injured and that I needed time for it to heal and that he didn’t care. He didn’t care because he was angry. Because he was angry and Mum had taken us away. That all of it was just because he was angry.

“Now this is going to be simple, alright? We already decided how this is going to work. You don’t need to worry about that, just take off your clothes and we’ll head downstairs alright?” He told us.

Take off our clothes in the, in the kitchen? That didn’t make any sense to me. I looked over to see Cole and Pat just pulling off their shirts. Like it was no big deal. Like it happened all the time me having to remind myself of what Pat had told me. That they had spent a lot of time there while we were gone, a lot of time downstairs.

That it was probably something they were used to by then. So, they did it without a second thought, without hesitation me looking at them not sure I wanted to part with my clothes me feeling my face flush as I watched Cole’s hand go to the fly of his jeans. Trying to remind myself that it didn’t matter.

We were all going to be raped and I shouldn’t be thinking about that. My body shouldn’t be… me sighing as I grabbed my own shirt lifting it up over my head quickly following their leads stepping out of my pants and boxers in one swoop before using my hands to cover myself looking face forward so that I didn’t find myself thinking about those things.

“John, it’s ok,” Pat said looking over at him, “We’re all going to be naked. It’s ok, it’s not just you.”

John didn’t move standing there folding his arms in front of him looking at the floor. Looking so defeated. I understood his pain, his anxiety. Especially because it was Leo and Hank. Not just one or the other but both. Me staring blankly ahead until Leo spoke getting my attention.

“He’s mine first, right?” Leo asked Da moving so he was standing next to Da who quit pacing in front of us.

Da nodded his head casually waving his hand at John as if giving Leo permission to do stuff to him to touch him, “Have at it,” Da said simply.

Like it was his right to tell Leo it was ok. That he could do those things to him even if John wasn’t ok with it. John’s whole body shaking as Leo closed the distance between them. John gasped as his back hit the wall, Leo pulling up the hem of John’s shirt. His hand grazed John’s chest as he pulled it over his head before undoing his pants leaving him standing there as naked as the rest of us were.

We were four underage boys in a kitchen with four adult men. Fully clothed adult men while we were standing there nude. All of us wanting to shiver and trying our best to hide it. To pretend we weren’t terrified.

It felt like being surrounded by a pack of wolves Hank saying something that caused Leo to move aside both hands going to John’s body as it looked like John was trying to push them away, Leo grabbing John’s wrists hard pinning them to his sides as Uncle Ben moved forward blocking my view of John and them standing between John and Pat before moving to stand in front of the both of us.

“My two favorite boys,” he said looking at us Pat and I, “Do you think we’ll have fun tonight? I think we can have a lot of fun. Not too much hopefully, but a good amount. What do you think? Pat? Baby?”

I felt like I was choking. He wasn’t even touching me and I was choking. Watching him look at us, lick his lips as I tried to keep myself from shaking, tried to pull my eyes away from him. Tried to remind myself to breathe, to be brave. To hide how scared, I was like Cole had told me, Cole, making a small sound in the back of his throat causing me to look to my left.

He had his hand on the front of Cole’s throat like he was going to choke him, squeeze him Cole’s eyes wide as he stared straight ahead, straight past him as Da whispered something in his ear I couldn’t hear. Cole’s eyes refocusing on Da and him nodding his head.

Cole’s whole body was stiff. He was trying to hide how scared he was too me taking in the full picture noticing Cole’s hands clenched into fists by his sides. Fists that were shaking as Da’s hand gripped Cole’s throat before he started licking his cheek biting his earlobe.

I wanted to run. I thought about it. No one was touching me. Not in that moment me being the only one lucky enough to not some someone pinching and pulling at my skin, at my body even though I was standing there naked, shivering in fear as they assault my brother and my friends. 

“Oh,” Hank said looking up from John’s right side, looking around Uncle Ben whose hands were running up and down Pat’s hips hard, Pat grabbing at his hands trying to get him to stop. Almost wrestling with Uncle Ben trying to keep Ben’s hands off his body.

“Hi there young thing,” Hank said walking up to me casually. Causing my body to go stiff.

Those were the first words I think he had ever said to me. The first time he had ever really paid any attention to me. Not that I was complaining. I mean I wasn’t his type. I was more than fine with not being his type. Him looking at me closely.

“You look like you could be fun,” he told me shrugging his shoulders, “Are you fun? Should we find out?”

“Come on,” Leo said loudly looking at everyone before his eyes went back to John grabbing his hand, “Downstairs, yeah?”

Everyone nodded their heads Hank reaching for me my back finally hitting the wall like everyone else’s had once they got close him grabbing hard at my hips, his fingers feeling like knives stabbing my skin. I didn’t want to. I didn’t…

“Now, now,” Hank said, “If you’re good I’ll be good ok? Such a tight little body. I’m not sure it can handle me so if I were you I’d be careful if you want me to be nice.”

I inhaled deeply. Hank was rough, I knew he was. I’d seen what he had done to John. Whipped him and beaten him until he was bleeding and could barely stand. He was with Arthur. Arthur who had a reputation for being beyond rough. Who I had heard did horrible things to people, who got off on pain.

I balled my hands into fists trying to focus my shaking, push it to my hands as he pulled me forward by my hips his belly hitting me somewhere in the center of my chest as he forced my body against his. He was pudgy. I wouldn’t say he was fat but he was wide with a little bit of a gut. He dug his nails into the back of my hips and squeezed before nodding his head more to himself than to me and letting go, grabbing me by the forearm instead dragging me towards the stairs.

I didn’t try to fight or pull away. I didn’t think there was any point in it. I knew what was going to happen to me. Hank was going to rape me. He was going to push me down and shove his fingers into me and then his dick. He was probably going to use his mouth and his… I slammed my free hand over my mouth to keep a sob from escaping. To keep myself from crying. He didn’t deserve to hear me cry. It would only make him happy, satisfy his desire to hurt me. All of us stopping outside of the one door besides John who Leo continued to drag forward to the other room Da opening the door and Pat and Cole walking into the room.

“Ok boys,” Da said, “Who wants to play first?” he asked looking at us expectantly.

Was he serious? He was asking...? We were supposed to…?

“Who do you want?” Pat asked surprising me, causing me to turn to look at him in shock.

“Always have something to say,” Da muttered.

“Would you expect anything else?” Pat said shrugging his shoulders and giving Da a cold smile, “You want me you can have me. I’ll fight real nice for you.”

I had never seen this side of Pat before. Him almost flirting with my Da, the way he moved his body crossing his legs slightly as he stood while folding his arms in front of him not even bothering to try and hide his body. Almost like he was asking for it.

“Ignore him, Connor,” Hank said, “What about this one?” he asked looking at me.

“You both know my opinion on that,” Uncle Ben said.

“Oh, come on. You bored of me already McGregor? What’s the fun in that?” Pat asked.

“He’s trying to goad you,” Hank pointed out.

“Yes, I know the question is why?” Da said looking at me.

“For him? Please,” Pat said, “You think I really care?”

“Well whenever we put you in a room alone this little act goes away,” Uncle Ben said poking Pat in the chest with his index finger Pat’s expression faltering for just a second. His eyes going a little wider in fear than he had probably meant to show.

“Maybe it gets me off,” Pat said shrugging his shoulders, “You don’t know.”

“Your mine, I know,” Hank said as he started unbuttoning his shirt starting with the cuffs on it.

“Oh, you know you want to tie me down,” Pat said, “Beat the smug look off my face. Even you can’t resist Dad. Come on.”

“What if we can? I’ve never taken him for a ride and Ben says he’s fun,” Hank said shrugging his shoulders as he started unbuttoning his actual shirt.

“He is, he pops,” Uncle Ben said me not understanding the reference but figuring it wasn’t something…that it was something I didn’t want people to know. Cole shooting me a look.

“Everybody is different. So, what?” Pat said, “I used to pop.”

“Used to,” Hank said smiling, “I have a feeling he’ll keep it. You’ve just gotten too used to it.”

“Too used to being fucked? I can’t imagine why dad,” Pat said almost laughing, “Why don’t you give it a try see if it’ll happen?”

“I don’t know, he’s tiny,” Hank said making me feel self-conscious.

Pat and Cole were both…their bodies had changed a lot. Pat was 15 though and Cole was 14. Like I said their bodies seemed more defined in some places. Their stomachs tighter, less smooth and round and flatter, more defined. Their muscles showing more through their skin. They were both taller. Pat had to be closer to 5’7 if not even taller than that Cole only a few inches shorter. I was probably closer to 5’2 and it did make me feel small. 

I was only 11 though. My body every bit the 11 years that I had. That “baby fat” that marked the difference between the start of puberty and the middle of it just starting to fall away from my body still round in a lot of places, in a lot of ways where Pat’s and Cole’s bodies were no longer like that. No longer childlike but more adult.

I had more hair than I had when I left, it was getting courser. I almost had armpit hair my development almost a match to John’s even though he was two years older. Bodies are funny that way though just because your siblings doesn’t mean you’ll develop at the same rate me being maybe an inch shorter than he was if not the same height exactly.

“He’s 11,” Cole muttered.

“Ok guys, cage,” Da said nodding his head at it.

“So, who is…?” Cole started to ask.

“You know who,” Da told him, “Don’t question it golden boy, cage.”

“C, come on,” Cole said shaking his head.

“What I’m not small enough for you anymore all of the sudden McGregor? Big man can’t handle me?” Pat said.

“I personally like them small. I feel like Leo might be a little upset we did this without him though,” Uncle Ben said.

“It’s his birthday party. The birthday boy can enjoy some alone time in the other room. That’s why he’s here after all, “Da said.

That was something I hadn’t known. That I don’t think any of us had known. It didn’t make sense to me. Why would we be at a birthday party for Leo? I didn’t know that much about him. I didn’t really know anything about any of them outside of my Da and Uncle. Outside of Lionel.

“Really?” Pat asked, “Maybe it’s because you have trouble getting it up for someone who…” 

Hank walked up to him and punched him across the face hard enough Pat fell to the ground laughing before he spit up blood something you wouldn’t have been able to tell if he hadn’t had a split lip the carpet being the same color as what had dribbled down his chin and out of his mouth.

“Watch your tongue before I put it to good use,” Hank said, “And you know what I mean.”

Pat’s smile fell as he looked at me his fear finally showing before he nodded his head standing up Cole already inside the cage. His back pressed against the side farthest away from them his knees pulled up to his chest and Pat climbed in Cole holding out his hand to help Pat make the tiny climb into it before they shut it behind him.

“Who gets to go first?” Hank asked all of them looking at me as I started to back away. 

I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to do it. They were going to hurt me.

“You want to do the honors Daddy?” Uncle Ben asked him.

“I like to warm them up first, you guys want to go slow?” Da asked them as I felt my back hit the wall them all finally taking their pants and boxers off as they looked at me Uncle Ben going to the nightstand and pulling a line of neat gold squares from the drawer along with a tube of what was clearly labeled Astroglide.

“I like slow you know me,” Hank said.

“You two are such fucking sausage hounds,” Uncle Ben said laughing.

“Speak for yourself,” Hank said, “You have to admit you like it too. They taste good young.”

No. No, I didn’t want…

I must have gasped because they all looked at me Da smiling softly at me, “Come here Honey, it’s ok.”

I didn’t know what to do. What else to do me moving forward slowly my whole body shaking. Every breath feeling like it lasted a million years.

“YOU ARE FUCKING ASSHOLES!!!” Pat screeched, “ONE DAY I’m GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU ALL! HE” S A FUCKING KID!!!”

“PADDY SHUT UP BEFORE I GRAB A GAG FOR BOTH ENDS!” Hank bellowed turning to look at him me stopping in my tracks.

“No, come on honey. Come sit down it’s ok,” Da said calmly trying to encourage me forward.

If I didn’t they would hurt me a lot worse. I knew they would. Every time I lifted one of my feet feeling like I was wearing shoes made of lead. The weight almost too much to move as I decided that if I maybe just did it just let them do it, it would be better. That it wouldn’t be so bad.

“There you go, that’s it honey come on,” Da said gesturing to me encouraging me to keep coming towards him as I made it to the futon sitting down on the side of it reluctantly trying to keep myself from shaking from showing them how scared I was.

“You’re right Ben he is well trained,” Hank said causing me to look at him.

“No, honey that’s a good thing,” Da said coming and sitting next to me on the futon touching my cheek, “Why don’t you lay down in the middle ok?

It was the room without a real bed. The other room had two beds one that had a weird cut out portion that could be removed at the foot where you could… do stuff but this room was the one with the medical table in the corner next to the wall of torture devices or toys. The futon being the only real surface where you could lay flat since the chairs weren’t really that big even though there were a couple of chairs there along with something new that I hadn’t noticed before and wasn’t sure what to think of.  
It looked like a giant wooden X. I had never seen anything like it before. At the time I didn’t know what it was but I knew why it was there. It was there to be used if someone wanted it. Me just hoping that they wouldn’t make me stand on it or whatever it was for. Me hoping I wouldn’t find out.

“Honey stay with me,” he said, “He does this sometimes when he’s nervous,” Da said looking at Hank.

“That’s ok,” he said, “He’s doing very well, very calm.”

“He usually is,” Uncle Ben said, “Why do you think well…?” Uncle Ben shrugged his shoulders.

“Lionel always does have a soft spot for the good ones,” Hank said, “Connor do you think you could…”

“Come on Honey, middle of the bed,” Da said grabbing my hand.

“Just leave him, alone guys, he’s just a kid. Look at him. How can you even want to…? What’s wrong with you?” Pat said causing everyone to look over at him his hands wrapped around two of the gold bars as he rested his weight on his knees his voice desperate his eyes wide as he shook his head at them looking like he was about to start crying, crying for me.

“Paddy I’m warning you shut your mouth or I will take the 10 inch and I will shove it so far up your ass it’s coming out your mouth,” Hank said to which Pat flashed him the finger.

Hank squared his shoulders walking towards the cage Uncle Ben grabbing him by the arm, “Come on you don’t want to ruin it for the birthday boy. The idea is he’s supposed to get a chance with everyone. Just chill out. Trust me Leo will show him who’s in charge. There’s no need to beat him.”

“He speaks again I want him gagged,” Hank said looking at Uncle Ben and Da.

“Deal,” Da said scooting over into the middle of the bed and grabbing my hand, “Come here Honey. You’re doing great. Just come here.”

I used my knees crawling to him crawling more to the center towards my Da. I was just trying to breathe. Just trying to not be scared but I felt like my whole body was shaking, like it was showing. Hank climbing into the foot of the bed and grabbing my ankles.  
“DA!” I said loudly out of reflex a plea that he wouldn’t let him. That he wouldn’t…

“It’s ok Honey,” Da told me kissing the back of my hand as he allowed Hank to drag me towards the foot of the bed by my ankles, “Hank go slow he’s torn so just be gentle.”

“I’m not into some…,” Hank sighed, “If he’s not going to put up a fight I’m not going to be mean. So how about we skip that part and I’ll focus on some other stuff?”

“I’ve never known you to be gentle,” Ben said smiling at Hank whose hands were still wrapped around my ankles.

“You’ve never seen me with a younger one though. I mean I like older boys for …well but the young ones. The young ones can be special,” Hank said smiling at me, “Can he bottom out?”

“With you?” Da said causing me to take in Hanks full body.

The fuck? I’m not sure how that translated in my 11-year-old brain but that’s as close as I can get to describing the shock. No wonder John hated Hank. He wasn’t really erect yet but he was wide. He had a lot of girth which when having anal especially if it’s being forced on you will really hurt. My Da and Uncle were about average and Lionel felt a little…not as uncomfortable when it came to how far my body opened up and how much resistance there was but I had never seen a penis like that before. Not that I had seen a lot of them in a setting where I could just look at them.

“Yeah, I’m just curious. You know it’s kind of a monster,” Hank said smiling, “Most of the little ones can’t bottom out with me.”

“Considering he’s ripped I wouldn’t try. Lionel would not be happy if you destroyed his favorite toy,” Uncle Ben said laughing, “I mean boy.”

“True,” Hank said nodding his head, “Yeah, ok. I can do other things though.”

“Sausage hound,” Uncle Ben said again shaking his head.

“Shut up,” Hank said even though he was smiling, “Like I said it’s nice. It’s…”

Hank looked at my body still holding my ankles me starting to squirm as Da grabbed my wrists, “It’s ok honey,” Da told me as I started to wiggle.

No no no, he was going to, no. No.

“Baby, you’re doing great,” Uncle Ben said coming over and rubbing one of my legs, “Don’t be bad now. If you start squirming too much I think Da’s going to want to use the chains and you don’t like that. I know you don’t so be a good boy.”

“Da?” I question him Hank finally letting go of my ankles me snapping my legs closed and pressing them together as tightly as I could as Hank got up and went to the nightstand taking something out of it. Another tube of some kind.

“It’s ok honey,” Da said, “Hank’s just going to play with you. You like playing.”

“He’s really calm. Pat would be screaming by now when he was this age. Is Lionel going to use him for production?” Hank asked Da.

“We’re training him for it,” Da said, “He wants to get him used to a couple different things but he’s thinking promotional and tutorials.”

“I agree he’d be good for it. He has the right look, the right temperament. I’d like to think Johnny does too but he comes across more panicky than anything else. While this one is scared and you can see it I think it would be harder to read on camera so it would look…”

“Right,” Da said, “That’s what Lionel and I think too. I would let you go farther but the fact that you are a lot to handle and we want Leo to have a turn just…”

“No, I get it. Maybe after Leo is done you think. If I promise not to force it?” Hank asked.

“That sounds fine to me,” Uncle Ben chimed in, “I mean Lionel did give permission as long as we promised to be gentle so why not try it see how he does. Did you say Lionel was planning to start training for do…?”

“Ben, don’t. Don’t scare him. We’ll have to restrain him for sure you do that,” Da said to which Uncle Ben sighed, “Hank do you want me to move so you can do your thing or do want me to hold his hands? I think either way he’ll be ok but I know you like a little bit of fight and he’s tiny so he won’t be a challenge at all.”

“You can let him go,” Hank said my Da dropping my wrists me moving to automatically curl myself into a ball Hank grabbing my ankles gently to prevent it, “You’re ok, sweetheart. Just relax.”

Relax, I was supposed to relax as he…as he did…oh god. Oh god. He started pressing on my knees trying to get his fingers in the space that was usually between my thighs when I was relaxed me squeezing them together tighter. Uncle Ben sighing.

“Don’t hurt him. Lionel will never let us do this again if you hurt him any worse than he already is,” Uncle Ben said.

“He’s going to be gone for a while and it’s not like it would be permanent,” Hank pointed out causing Uncle Ben to shrug his shoulders, “Now sweetheart you can either open your legs for me or I will open them for you. If I do that it’s not going to feel good and I will ask your Da to shackle you, ok? Because I don’t want you closing those sweet little legs on me unless I tell you to. You understand?”

I stared at him blankly. Did he expect me to answer him? To just let him…let him lay there like…no. I didn’t want his mouth on me there. Not ever.

“Ah, that’s why he’s still in training,” Hank said as I started shaking harder, my small shake becoming more of a tremble.

“Yes, that’s why,” Da agreed, “It’s a matter of him being calm enough to…well don’t want the cameras seeing that for certain videos.”

“For sure, not everyone likes a kid so scared it looks like they have a fever or are in a room that’s 30 degrees,” Hank said before trying again, “Sweetheart come on, just loosen your muscles I’ll do the rest. It’ll feel good. Everyone tells me I’ve very good with my tongue.”

“Which is where your son gets it from,” Da said causing Hank to laugh.

“Not right now Connor,” Hank said, “Come on sweetheart. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I’ve never seen you be this patient before Hank,” Ben said, “You really like the littles, don’t you?”

“They’re fun. They taste better,” Hank said again, “Come on sweetheart last chance loosen your muscles. I don’t want to hurt you.”

I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want his mouth there. I didn’t want him to…” AHHH!” I screamed as he dug his nails into my skin. It felt like I was being stabbed him easily pulling my thighs apart as he laid on his belly on the edge of the bed scooting up between my legs. His shoulders felt huge. He was too big. 

“No,” I said shaking my head trying to turn around as he grabbed my hips pushing me down the feeling of his hands moving from my knees grabbing my attention.

“It’s ok,” Hank said looking at me, “I won’t hurt you. I’m not here to hurt you. You need to relax. I’m going to forget you said that and we’re going to focus on making you feel good ok?”

“Seriously! FUCKING STOP IT!” Pat said.

“That’s it!” Hank sighed getting ready to move.

“I got it,” Uncle Ben said going over to the wall with the toys on it. 

“Connor, I think it might help calm him down a little if you just…,” Hank started to say Da getting back on the bed.

“Say no more,” Da said, “Come here, honey. Give me your hands.”

Now him I knew his rules. Hank was trying to be nice. I didn’t know why but I could tell he was. I heard a scream the sound grabbing my attention causing me to look over. Uncle Ben had Pat on the floor in a choke hold, something on the floor next to them. Some type of leather strap with a ball in the center me realizing it was probably gag of some kind to put in his mouth. I got so distracted by the sight of it, of Pat almost holding his own against my uncle that it captured my attention until I felt...

“AHHH!” I moaned the wetness surprising me as he didn’t waste any time swallowing me whole, starting to suck.

“It’s ok honey,” Da said, “It’s ok just relax, let Hank make you feel good. There you go, that’s it just, relax.”

“Da please,” I begged him hoping he would listen.

I don’t know why I thought he would listen it’s not like he ever had before. Me knowing what words were ok for me to use and what weren’t me begging him trying to keep myself from gasping in panic as my body started to respond me just trying to breathe without sounding like some asthmatic child da speaking to me softly as he gripped my wrists tightly.

“DA please,” I tried again.

“You’re ok, honey,” Da said, “You’re ok. You’re doing good just let Hank make you feel good.”

He said as I felt something…a …no, no no, no, “DA, Da please please please,” I started crying not able to stop myself. It felt a million times worse than Lionel. Hank breaking contact with my skin the air feeling cold before he twisted his tongue rolling it nearly into my slit.

“There we go,” Uncle Ben said, “Quiet. He goes quiet before he starts moaning.”

“Ben, I know this, he is my kid,” Da told him his hands still wrapped around my wrists as I went still my eyes wide.

It felt like too much. My whole-body tingling with sensation as he finished pushing his finger into me moving it in slow circles as he used his other hand to hold me very carefully his tongue continuing to do whatever it was doing.

“MMM,” I heard escape before I could stop myself.

“There it is,” Uncle Ben said, “I love it when he does that. Lionel likes it too.”

“Me too,” Da said as Hank snorted.

I couldn’t keep myself from moaning no matter how hard I tried. I could feel the way my body was moving. I wanted to pull away.

I kept trying to pull away but it felt like every time I pulled away a little bit he stopped my body almost relaxing before his finger circled back around brushing against that spot again as his tongue kept dancing in and over my slit. My body feeling trapped between Hank’s finger and his mouth. I knew how I was moving but I wasn’t moving that way because I liked it. I wanted to get away from it.

“That’s it, honey, let it happen,” Da cooed kissing my forehead as I closed my eyes trying to shut out the sounds I was making, the way I was moving because there was nothing else I could do. There wasn’t…I wanted to cry but I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t cry for them, I wasn’t going to make Da mad.

My body started to sting, ache. Everything getting tighter hotter Hank wrapping his lips back around me all the way my legs cramping so bad they hurt as I contracted. Hank making a tiny sound of surprise in the back of his throat as my eyes rolled my whole-body tensing. Him continuing to suck for a few minutes before he stopped his mouth breaking contact with me.

“Your right he does pop,” Hank said sitting up and looking at his finger before wiping it on the sheet, “How often?”

“You mean like as in how many time does he pop per finish or how many orgasms can I make him have?” Uncle Ben asked.

“Both?” Hank asked.

“Well, I’d say anywhere between 5 and 10 times and usually 3 finishes. He has usually about three really strong orgasms before he gets to the point where he starts screaming. After that, if I keep going I can get five decent ones out of him before he passes out. I’ve only done that a couple of times though. Usually, by three he’s dry though,” Uncle Ben told him.

I had no idea what they were talking about. I could feel the contractions rip through my body but my mind didn’t translate that to “popping” even though that’s exactly what they were talking about. Just like when a woman as an orgasm when a man as a really strong orgasm he feels it in his whole body and sometimes that causes the muscles to pulse or contract and expand rapidly a couple of times until the orgasm ceases. That where the expression “making her pussy pop” comes from that you hear in rap songs sometimes. More or less they were making my anal muscles as well as my other pelvic muscles “pop”.

A lot of guys as they get older lose the ability to pop in quick secession before not being able to reach another climax or another round of “popping”. I just happened to be at a physical age where it was still very possible even if my climax wasn’t always dry. But my whole body always hurt so bad by the time they were done because I could experience multiple orgasms in quick secession.

“Nice,” Hank said smiling looking at my Uncle, “I would love to feel that. I bet it gets tight.”

“Like a vice grip sometimes it’s fun though. You just should be very careful. Last time I wasn’t careful there was a…well I’m sure you figured it out.”

“Yeah, there was a little bit of blood. Not a lot though. Not enough to be a problem,” Hank said me realizing what they were talking about. 

How he had used his finger. How he had bumped it against my prostate in order to get me to climax. I felt grossed out at the very idea that I was bleeding, me feeling it closing my legs as Hank moved to get up. Uncle Ben grabbing one of the little gold squares that were next to my legs on the bed.

“Da,” I shook my head.

“It’s ok baby, we’re going to make you feel so good,” he told me.

I didn’t want to do it anymore. I wanted to be done. I already felt wet and sticky from the lube. I didn’t want anymore. My body didn’t want anymore. I was covered in Hank’s spit as Hank moved over to one the chairs sitting down with his legs spread tugging at himself as Uncle Ben grabbed me behind my knees pushing my legs up, pushing my knees against my shoulders as Da held my wrists still making me whimper.

“You can let him go,” Uncle Ben said looking at Da, “He’s not going anywhere. Are you baby?” he asked me before he pushed his finger into me using his body to push my knees into my shoulders keeping me bent double.

“Wait,” Da said, “Should we wait? I mean for other things,” he asked uncle Ben looking at the gold package between Uncle Ben’s teeth as he stood up, “I mean it is Leo’s birthday. Shouldn’t he have a chance at it before we hurt him too badly? He’s going to be in pain. We all know it. So, shouldn’t we give him and Leo and chance to enjoy each other before it gets to that point?”

Uncle Ben spit the square out before pursing his lips, looking at Da like he was thinking about it before he answered, “I suppose your right since he lifted most restrictions for Leo. So, we’ll wait and see what happens. Hey, Hank, you want to…?” Uncle Ben trailed off frowning as his attention drew my attention to the chair where Hank had been sitting noticing he was gone.

“He went in the other room,” Cole spoke up quietly Pat stomping his foot as I looked at him everyone looked in their direction.

He was mad. He had his gag in but he was mad. The black ball in his mouth looking like it was uncomfortably placed. Like the straps were too tight and they were cutting into his face. The door opening catching everyone’s attention Leo coming in.

“Oh, did I miss something?” Leo asked.

“Not at all,” Da answered him, “Hank was having a little bit of fun. You want to use him first or wait a while? It’s up to you birthday boy.”

“Hank was telling me about his problem child. If you guys want to start there since he feels like opening his mouth let’s give him a reason to,” Leo said as Uncle Ben finally removed his weight from my body finally letting me uncurl myself. My legs screaming in protests as I was finally allowed the room to unfurl them.

“That’s what you want?” Da asked smiling, “Paddy he can be…well, you’ll find out once I take out the gag.”

“Oh, I’m looking forward to it. You know me,” Leo said winking at my Da.

“Yes, yes, I do,” Da laughed lightly as Uncle Ben grabbed my arm and started helping me off the futon.

“Come on baby,” he said looking at me, speaking gently, “Just go rest for a bit ok? In there with your friend.”

Da and Leo went up to the cage Da yanking Pat out hard by his arm me swearing I had heard a crack as he did so Pat landing on his knees on the ground in front of the cage as Leo twisted one of his arms behind his back while Da undid the gag a huge amount of drool connecting the ball to Pat’s body before they threw it on the ground Pat wiping his mouth with the back of his free hand.

“Fuck you,” he said looking at Da.

“No, see you don’t fuck me. I fuck you remember? Are you going to play nice Paddy or are you going to be an issue? It’s Leo’s birthday you’re supposed to be playing nice.

“You're letting my Dad torture your son. You let him just torture your fucking 11-year-old. You think I’m going to play nice?” Pat scoffed shaking his head, “You lost your chance at nice.”

“That’s ok,” Leo said pulling Pat up off his knees and towards the futon roughly, “I like playing rough.”

Pat screamed and called them names, insulting them as one of them pulled handcuffs out from somewhere using them to handcuff Pat to the futon frame. I closed my eyes so I didn’t have to see what they were doing to him as he started swearing at them. Cole clearing his throat getting my attention.

“Don’t mind it. He swears so that he…that’s how he controls it,” Cole muttered, “You ok?”

I shook my head feeling my face heat up wondering if he had watched, how much he had heard. I felt sick thinking that he had…he might have seen it. Might have…

“I know it’s scary. I’m sorry,” he told me, “Pat swears because it keeps him from moaning. He’s never been good at controlling it so he decided around the time we were 12 that swearing was better. That the pain is better than dealing with…you know.”

“Did you see it?” I asked him.

“You mean did I watch them do that? No,” he shook his head as I opened my eyes.

He was looking at me, him trying to make his whole body as small as possible his knees still pulled into his chest using his body to hide the more intimate parts of him as best he could. His legs looking almost too long to tuck into his chest like he was. His feet looking too big to be allowed as he rested his chin on the top of his knees looking at me. I didn’t see any lies there. His eyes soft.

“Did it…? Huh,” I felt myself blushing, “Am I weird?”

He cocked a confused eyebrow at me

“FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCKERS!! SHIT!!” Pat screamed loudly from the other side of the room as one of them laughed. I’m not sure which one, I was too afraid to look and see who he was yelling at.

“Don’t look,” Cole told me quietly, “It’s probably all of them. It doesn’t matter anyway. No use in upsetting yourself by looking if they aren’t making you watch. Why do you think you’re weird?”

“Them talking about m…,” I swallowed as Cole shook his head.

“No, they talk that way about everyone when they’re together. Especially when it’s your Uncle and Hank. They’re nasty. Everyone’s body is a little different so don’t worry about it too much. It’s not something you can help,” Cole told me.

“He sounded excited about it,” I told him.

“Hank? Yeah,” Cole said, “If someone can do that their hair doesn’t matter so much that’s why he likes little kids. But huh, if they have the hair it’s better. He treats them better. You’re lucky you’re in a contract. Otherwise…” Cole trailed off.

I shivered. I didn’t feel lucky. The thought making me wonder what he meant by “better” hoping that I never found out. That Hank never decided I was worth it, worth asking for. Scared of what that meant for Mac. Mac who was almost 2. Whose body was so tiny.

“What’s bottoming out?” I asked him.

“You don’t know?” he asked me to which I shook my head.

“Your Dad must not be teaching you that well. I knew what that was maybe five months after my dad Joined. It means balls deep pretty much, going to the wall, pushing in until there’s no more room. The smaller your body is the harder it is for your cavity to stretch and accommodate their size sometimes. When you’re little usually you can’t do it right away. I’ve heard them talk about stuff like that before,” Cole told me.

“Like what?” I asked him.

“Kids,” he said, “I heard Dad and your Uncle talking about it once, this one kid that was like ten. How they pushed so hard they basically ripped his body. How they ripped his ass so bad he basically just had a giant hole behind his scrotum. How it killed him.”  
I shivered at that. That wasn’t ok my brain barely able to wrap itself around the idea that a person could do that to someone else. Could force apart of themselves into someone else’s body so hard they didn’t just rip skin but muscle, me wondering what kind of force it would take to do that to someone.

“They won’t ever do that to you,” Cole said quietly, “You’re a five.”

“Will they do that to you?” I asked him.

“After I kill him, maybe,” Cole said shrugging his shoulders as Pat swore again loudly.

I looked at him and shook my head, “Cole…”

“Don’t ok? I know. Trust me I know but there’s so much there. He deserves to be dead. So many things there,” Cole sighed.

“OH SHIT,” Pat muttered.

“Yeah? Is that it?” Leo asked Pat causing me to make the mistake of looking. I saw Leo inside him. Pay lying on the futon his arms handcuffed Da and Uncle Ben on either side of it touching themselves…masturbating over top of Pat.

I looked away closing my eyes and putting my hand over my mouth hoping that I wouldn’t get sick. It was horrible. Seeing them doing that, Pat helpless to stop them from doing it, from using him like that.

“I told you not to look,” Cole said to me, “You shouldn’t look it’s gross.”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head in agreement, “How do you deal with it?”

“Me? I pretend. I give them what they want or you mean having to be here while they do it to someone else? Someone, I care about?” Cole asked me.

“The last one,” I answered quietly.

“I close my eyes and try to ignore the screaming and swearing in Pat’s case,” he said smiling a little when he said his name, “And I try to go away in my head. Try to just…” he shrugged his shoulders as we heard Uncle Ben laughing.

“I think we could have some fun here. I don’t see Hank coming back anytime soon so why don’t we change it up a little bit, what do you say, Leo?” Uncle Ben asked.

“Sure,” he said laying down on the bed as Da uncuffed Pat, “Which one do you guys want.”

“No man your choice. It’s your party,” Da said as Pat stood up.

“I’m trying to decide should we wait for Hank to come back before we use the tiny one?” Leo asked, “I kind of want to…Lionel told me he’s training him up.”

“We’re working on it. Why what do you want? You want to hear him beg for it?” 

What? They were…no. I hated that. I hated that. I HATED THAT! Me clapping my hand over my mouth again so that I didn’t swear or didn’t start crying me feeling Cole’s hand on my shoulder giving it a gentle squeeze as if to comfort me.

“I don’t know I kind of like the other type of begging which you know Lionel is going to want him to work on as well. So, I think I’ll stick with that. And you know Hank he likes…” Leo was interrupted by Uncle Ben.

“Yeah with the young ones he really enjoys it so maybe we’ll have some participation. A little bit of…togetherness? What do you say?” Uncle Ben asked.

“It might be fun. When was the last time you got ridden, Connor?” Leo asked Pat laying on the futon next to him.

“You know what? You two can have a spin. I’ll be back in a couple of minutes,” Da said as I looked up in time to see Leo pull his condom off as Uncle Ben and Da walked towards us.

Cole squeezed my shoulder again moving forward, “Stay there Will,” he said sighing and stretching as Uncle Ben came over to the cage and Da opened the door to the room leaving.

“Come on Cole,” Uncle Ben said looking at us as he opened the cage, “You should watch Baby. Cole is really good at this.”

Cole sighed and rolled his eyes as Uncle Ben offered Cole his hand stepping out of the cage and going over to sit on the futon before looking up at Uncle Ben, “You or him?” Cole asked.

“Me,” Leo said smiling, “Are you really good at this?”

Cole shrugged his shoulders before replying, “That’s what I’ve heard. Are you going to put a new one on or do you want me to?”

“You know how to do it?” Leo asked him.

“Please,” Cole said shaking his head before he grabbed one the gold squares ripping it open with his teeth.

It looked like he swallowed it. It didn’t look right him bending over and deep throating Leo who moaned happily resting his hand on the back of Cole’s head as Pat stood up. Cole wiping his mouth as he pulled away me noticing the barely-there thin film on Leo’s penis.

“Do you want me to stretch myself or…” Cole started to ask before Uncle Ben shoved his finger into Cole causing him to freeze. He had one foot on the futon next to Leo his other on the ground as Uncle Ben started to grind on him from behind Pat watching before Uncle Ben cleared his throat.

“Pat why don’t you…?” Uncle Ben asked turning to him before Pat crawled over Leo’s legs and stepped off onto the floor in front of Cole running a hand through Cole’s hair before he started kissing him Leo making a sound of satisfaction as Pat and Cole made out with each other Uncle Ben bending over to grab Cole’s hip as he did something that made Cole gasps into Pat’s mouth.

“That’s kind of…,” Cole managed to stutter Uncle Ben bending close and whispering something in his ear.

I could tell that Cole didn’t like what was happening even though he was calm about it. Calm as he climbed into Leo’s lap before Leo and Uncle Ben helped him move into the right position Leo hissing and groaning in pleasure as Cole sat down his whole body going still as Leo shifted his weight so he was more sitting up than laying down. Leo leaning forward and kissing Cole as Cole wrapped his arms around Leo’s neck letting Leo kiss him, make out with him.

It didn’t look right to me. It looked so wrong. Cole starting to move instead of Leo, move his body up and down as he made small sounds.

“It’s ok you’re doing good. Do you want to get loud? It’s ok to like it,” Leo told him.

Cole was supporting his own weight on his knees along with Leo’s cock. Rolling his hips forward and backward as he kind of ground on him. Making small sounds whenever his hips rolled back and exhaling deeply as Leo ran his hands up and down Cole’s body from his chest to his hips and back smiling at him as Cole closed his eyes trying his best to just breathe.

Uncle Ben shoving Pat onto the bed behind him Pat looking at Uncle Ben and shaking his head.

“He’s the birthday boy,” Uncle Ben said, “It’ll be fun.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I heard Pat mutter shaking his head.

“Do it or Will over there can switch with Cole,” Uncle Ben said, “He’s not trained for it yet and he’s already torn imagine how much pain he’ll be in. Do it, now.”

Pat opened his mouth to protest and Cole must have sensed it taking a deep breath before he spoke, “Pat just fucking do it.”

Pat looked at Uncle Ben and snorted before bending down and grabbing a gold square opening it up and putting it on before he too straddled Leo’s legs behind Cole before Cole leaned forward somehow still managing to roll his hips before he stopped as Pat put his hand on the small of Coles back.

At that point in my life, I had never seen that. I didn’t know what it was but Pat managed to shove himself inside of Cole while Leo stayed there all three of them grunting and breathing heavily as Pat did so Cole gripping Leo’s shoulders as he body somehow stretched to accommodate them both. Pat sighing loudly as he leaned over Cole’s back before he muttered.

“Ok who is doing the moving here?”

“You and me,” Uncle Ben said climbing up on Leo’s lap as well Pat screaming as Uncle Ben pushed back into him.

Now that I had NEVER seen. I didn’t know what it was called. But they were all…yeah. They were all having sex with each other somehow, amazingly. It’s one thing to hear about that type of thing happening or to have a line of people sucking and licking at your skin while one person fucked it. It was totally different seeing two people penetrate someone while someone else penetrated one of them. Other than Pat’s swearing there was a lot of grunting and groaning and moaning me not sure what exactly I should do but trying to block out the sounds the sounds being the worst part of it Cole’s moans turning from moans into whimpers at one point before he pushed on Leo’s shoulders like he was trying to get up.

“Ok,” Cole said his voice actually sounding very calm, “Ok, I nee…stop.”

“Come on it’s fun you feel so fucking good,” Leo told him.

“I need…stop, please…jj...just stop,” Cole begged.

“We’re so close though baby,” Leo said before groaning loudly grabbing Cole hard by the ass as Uncle Ben rammed Pat forward causing Pat to yell while Cole screamed.

“Sorry,” Pat muttered to Cole, “Ben you want that we’re going to stop this. We’re going to do that just me and you we’re not…FUCK!” Pat shouted out Uncle Ben ramming him hard again before they all stilled.

Uncle Ben grabbed Pat pulling him up under his arms and pulling him away towards me, towards the cage. Pat looked tired. Looked sore me wondering how sore Cole was going to be after that, after them doing that. Me praying to god they weren’t going to do that to me. Me hoping they didn’t make me do that because I didn’t think I could…listening to Cole whimper as I looked over to see Leo on top of him, Leo still…

The cage started to sway as Uncle Ben pushed Pat into the cage before the door opened Da coming back into the room from where ever he had been looking at us before he moved aside letting Uncle Ben leave. Da going over to Leo and sitting down on the bed next to them. They talked while Leo did things to Cole. Raped him. Like it wasn’t even happening. Like Leo wasn’t in the middle of sodomizing a 14-year-old kid. 

The door opened again a few minutes later Uncle Ben carrying John as Hank opened the cage door. Lowering John to it who opened his eyes when the door shut behind him sitting up wide-eyed.

He was looking at Pat and I like he didn’t know who we were again, like he had the night before climbing under his desk as he had sobbed and whimpered his whole body shaking like it was vibrating or like he was trembling because he was cold his teeth clicking and chattering as he opened his mouth to say something.

“John?” Pat said quietly reaching out his hand John nearly jumping away from him scrambling as far away from him in the round cage as he possibly could.

“It hurt. It hurts it hurts, don’t touch me. Don’t, don’t, don’t touch me!” he said in a horrified whisper shaking his head pulling his knees into his chest and rocking back and forth.

Pat’s eyes got wide shaking his head. Him looking scared too, looking like he was about to cry as he put his hand out in front of him gesturing at John to calm down, “No one is going to touch you, John. No one is touching you, all right?”

I didn’t know what to do. He looked lost, shaking like a dog left out in the cold rain too long his hair sticking up at odd angles his eyes wide but him not seeing anything, not really. Me just wanting to tell him that…that he wasn’t alone. That they had done things to me too. That they were going to keep doing things to us and he wasn’t alone.

“This is what they do to him?” I asked Pat.

“Yeah,” Pat said nodding his head his eyes not leaving John, just watching him as he quietly spoke John staring at nothing, or at me. I couldn’t tell which him blinking a couple of times his eyes unfocused as he rocked slowly back and forth purple and red marks up and down his arms and legs, his wrists bleeding lightly looking red and irritated, “Yeah. This is what they do. I’ve never seen him this bad after though.”

That scared me. That made me feel like he was slipping away. Like maybe the only reason Pat had never seen him that bad before was because before he always knew he could drink after it was over. That after everything was said and done he could shower and drink himself to sleep and not have to deal with it. That his mind was breaking down because he couldn’t…because of what they did. Because of the way they treated him, all of us.

“What do they do to make him like that?” I asked.

“Well, you know how they like to make you…climax?” Pat asked me his eyes still on John, watching John waiting for him to do something, to blink and focus his eyes, to acknowledge we were there. Waiting for him to do anything but rock back and forth and tremble. His whole body shaking so much he couldn’t even really hold his knees to his body his fingers spasming as he sat there staring past me, staring at something else.

“no,” I heard John barley mutter, “I don’t want it, don’t, I don’t want it.”

He didn’t usually mumble to himself like that. Even when he was bad after a flashback he didn’t usually do that. Not like he was. It reminded me of something I had heard. How if sometimes a circuit got overloaded with too much electricity it could blow. Quit working the way it was supposed to or working altogether.

“Yeah. Are you saying they make you do that over and over until you blow a fuse?” I asked Pat.

Pat frowned at me leaning forward a little bit a shiver hitting his spine as Cole whimpered out in the room me pretty sure the same cold chill traveled down mine.

“Blow a fuse?” Pat asked me.

“Like an electrical circuit. If you put too much electrical energy into it, it blows a fuse and quits working. Like his body is the breaker and his head is the fuse. They put too much energy into him so he quit working. He’s blown a fuse and needs his fuse changed now,” I tried to explain the way it had hit my brain. Tried to explain that maybe his brain was a little funny at the moment because of what they had done because they had pushed his body too far.

“That is actually a very good analogy for what it feels like, yeah. So, I suppose yes, that’s exactly what they do,” Pat said as Cole moaned loudly again John jumping out of his skin his grip managing to tighten around his knees before his rocking suddenly increased to a violent level making the cage sway slightly on its chain.

Pat grabbed my arm kind of hard pushing me back behind him, moving me and John back a little bit and moving forward Hank walking forward wrapping his fist around two of the bars resting against them from the outside.

“Dad, what do you want?” Pat asked him, his voice steady even though he said it quietly Hank looking past Pat at John at my brother before Hank palmed himself lightly.

I couldn’t figure it out. Figure out why or how they could all still be going, still be…as guys got older it was supposed to harder, they were supposed to slow down and yet it seemed like they were all fine. Me glancing over to see what they were doing to Cole.   
His eyes were closed his breathing heavy as he laid on his side on the bed Da and Leo one on each side of him doing things with their mouths. Things that I hated, that just seeing made me want to scream, made my eyes burn.

“He’s beautiful, isn’t he?” Hank asked Pat.

“He’s 13,” Pat said, “Why can’t you just leave him alone? Leave them alone?”

“They’re important and I’m blessed to be able to help train them. You have no idea how special your friends are. How lucky you are to be a part of their lives,” Hank commented looking at John and licking his lips.

John leaned back against the cage farthest from Hank throwing himself back hard enough to cause us to rock slightly as he closed his eyes like he was trying to shut Hank out. Trying to ignore the fact he was there and finding it impossible to do.

He started rocking harder, “no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,” he whimpered his whole body shaking causing us to sway slightly.

“John, he’s gone. You’re in the cage. He’s not going to touch you. You’re behind me and you’re safe. He can’t touch you if you’re behind me. Not without going through me first ok?” Pat said looking at John who stilled. His eyes still closed but like he had heard pat like he was listening finally giving some indication that he was still in there somewhere. That he was still aware. His body violently jerking hard for a minute a or two.

“Why is he twitching like that?” I asked Pat starting to panic wanting to reach out and grab him to stop him from doing that because he hit his head because he hurt himself Pat grabbing my arm keeping me from reaching over and touching him shaking his head.

“I don’t know,” Pat answered, “John why are you jerking like that?”

“They’re under my skin. I feel them under my skin,” he said before he started sobbing his chest heaving as he sobbed. Earth shattering sobs like he was dying or like he wanted to die. The sound hurting, making me feel cold somewhere deep inside. 

He was my brother. He didn’t deserve to be in that much pain. He didn’t deserve to feel that way not ever. Not about anything let alone his body. It hurt. It hurt to see him like that. To know that he couldn’t deal with it and wondering how I had ever thought I could. That I had…that maybe he was right. That maybe none of us could really deal with it.

“You’re ok,” Pat said looking at him, “It’ll stop. You’re already twitching a little less.”

Pat smiled at him sadly, keeping his hands to himself even though I could tell he wanted to comfort him. To reach out for him John nodding his head as he decided to lay down on his side, to try his best to relax, to see if he could calm down. Pat was hurting. I could see it. See it in how he looked at him, him forgetting his own body for a minute and focusing on John. Wishing that he could make things better. Make the pain go away.

There was a fast movement the cage banging open making all of us jump and look directly in front of us Hank setting Cole down at the very opening of the cage Pat grabbing him and dragging him back behind him Hank grabbing my ankle to pull on me.

“NO!” John shouted sitting up his hand going out to stop him Hank’s hand leaving my ankle as he smiled at us. At John and me.

“You going to take his place, Johnny?” Hank asked John a little shiver going through his body as he looked at Hank before he moved his weight to his knees shuffling forward as he nodded his head.

He had to be kidding me. He was a shivering mess. He couldn’t do it again. He couldn’t do it anymore.

“John, you can’t,” I said shaking my head, “I’ll do it. Don’t to listen to him please Hank. Just take me.”

I didn’t want to. He couldn’t though. I knew he couldn’t. The threat to my safety the only thing that snapped him completely out of it. Out of his twitching and shaking, out of his quiet muttering as he looked at nothing his eyes only focusing as Hank’s hand had reached for me to snatch me out. To take me back to the futon.

“I can see why your dad either likes you two together or completely separate. Otherwise, he’d spend all night fighting with who he is going to give it to,” Hank said, “John looks a little worn out so, Will, come on.”

I didn’t want his mouth on me again. I hated the way it felt. Me trying to pretend I was ok giving a small nod before I crawled over Pat moving as Hank held out his hand to help me out. He looked at me before pointing at the door. I turned to look at it wondering what was going on as I heard the cage shut behind me his hands coming to rest on my shoulders from behind.

“Open it, sweetheart. This will be fun I promise,” Hank told me, whispered in my ear.

I reached my hand out turning the knob. Not sure what I was…why. Why I was doing it. Why I was doing what I was told and not screaming at him. That I should be screaming at him but I wasn’t. Me trying to …my legs moving as I heard the door shut behind me, Uncle Ben in the hallway.

He scooped me up before I could really react and started singing loudly Hank and Da joining him.

“Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear Leo!!” they all shouted excitedly as they dumped me on the bed by his feet, “Happy Birthday to you!”

He put his hand on my chin, tilting it upwards to look at him, him looking into my eyes as he smiled happily, “He has his eyes.”

“Yes, they have their mother’s eyes,” Da agreed with him, “So what do you want Leo. Do you want to hear him beg for it or for you to stop?”

“You know me,” Leo said, “I really enjoy hearing them plea and whimper so…”

“I personally hate it,” Da said, “So I’m going to go eat. Hank, are you staying here or do you want to…?”

“I wouldn’t mind hearing him beg me,” Hank said smiling at me, “He’s a sweetheart. I bet you play real nice, don’t you?”

I felt frozen. Sick. I didn’t know what to do. My brain trying to figure out what was going on as Da and Hank left the room. My brain finally starting to process it a minute too late as Leo grabbed me hard by the arm yanking me forward pulling me into his lap.

“No,” I said feeling my face flush in embarrassment and confusion at the fact that I didn’t just get hit upside the face.

“That’s right,” Leo said his hands around my neck as he started pushing me off his lap, “Fight me. Tell me to stop.”

He wanted me to…? What? Why? Lionel always wanted me to tell him I wanted it why was…he pinched my nipple straddling my body as he pushed me down hard.

“OUCH! NO!” I screamed trying to push him, finding it didn’t matter how hard I pushed, how much I pressed on his chest he didn’t budge. His body not moving at all as he grabbed my hands forcing both of my wrists into one of his fists before he started licking my collarbone, him using his knees to push my legs apart.

“No stop! Please stop, I don’t want to! I’m ripped, I’m ripped please…please…he’ll be so mad, please, please don’t, please,” I stammered Uncle Ben laughing.

“Who do you think said we could baby?” Uncle Ben said, “You want to suck him first Leo? I know you’re into that. I wouldn’t mind watching.”

“Does he respond to that?” he asked Ben.

“Oh, you’ll see if you want to try that is,” he said Leo letting go of my arms.

I started trying to push him again, trying to shove him away screaming, letting out wordless howls. I didn’t want them doing that. And they weren’t listening, why weren’t they listening? Why would they just and then not listen? I didn’t want it.

“Uncle Ben please, please don’t make me,” I begged to try to appeal to him, trying to get him to let me go. To change his mind. To decide that he didn’t want to watch Leo do it to me. Leos fingers moving near my hole me kicking up trying to kick him in the chest as he used his hand to stop me from kneeing him in his xiphoid process.

“Ok rules,” he said frowning at me, “No kicking. I don’t do kicking. You can push but you can’t kick me or you know that rip you just told me about? I will make sure it gets a whole lot worse I don’t care who you belong to understand? You can beg, I want you to. I want to you to scream but you don’t scratch me, and you don’t kick me. Understand?”

I felt my body shaking as he held my knee his fist wrapped around my kneecap. This is what he did? Maybe this was why John hated him. Was so afraid of him. Something about his eyes told me that he wouldn’t think of it as a punishment. Even though he was saying it would be. Something about his eyes reminding me of…

“Good, as long as we understand each other,” he said, “How about we start slow ok? Have some fun?”

He ran his hand through my hair, rubbing his nose against mine. Me shaking my head.

“No,” I said putting my hands on his chest as he used his body weight to crush himself down on top of me, “No. Stop. Stop….”

He started biting my neck his knee bumping against me, between my legs. The way he was moving reminded me of him. Of how I didn’t want to…

“Please just stop. Don’t do it, I don’t want to do it, please just stop,” I whimpered before I started sobbing outright me still trying to push him off, push him away.

He was strong, he was strong like my Da was strong, him pushing my hands away and kissing down my chest, his hands feeling like his like they had the other night. Me just wanting him to stop. Uncle Ben laughing as I cried as I…begged him.

His tongue kept going lower, me pushing at his shoulders and head trying to stop him. Telling him to stop. Me wanting it to just stop. When his mouth made it down there. He didn’t just lick up my shaft or dive into my back end like they usually did. He lifted my penis his mouth going to my scrotum. Licking and sucking my body not prepared for the feeling of it. The sensation. I didn’t…it was horrible. Me going silent. Trying to figure out what was…why.

“Come on tell me to stop,” Leo said stopping and looking up at me, “Tell me I should stop.”

I looked at him, looked down at him where his face was in my lap. I felt numb I wasn’t sure I wanted to say anything. I wasn’t sure there was anything left to say because it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter what I said. Him lunging up and grabbing me hard by the throat.

“Tell me to fucking stop,” he hissed barely a whisper.

“Stop,” I begged him, “STOP, DON’T, STOP! PLEASE PLEASE STOP I DON’T WANT TO!”

He started sucking me again, licking me. His tongue going everywhere. Him gripping hard at my hips wrapping his arms around them swallowing me as much as he could. One of his hands snaking around my back and his fingers…him using his fingers.  
It hurt. It stung. His finger hitting something that kept making me cry. Each time he hit it harder as he grunted and moaned. As he sucked. The heat building, the pressure until I couldn’t form words. Until I couldn’t really breathe him sucking and making a surprised sound as he kept sucking as I released. Him only pulling away after I found my voice again. Started crying again.

“Please, please stop,” I begged before his lips finally left my body him smiling at me.

“Wow,” he said looking at me, “You’re fun. Is he tight?” he asked Uncle Ben.

“Like a glove,” Uncle Ben told him, “He won’t fight you too hard either. Not since you warned him. He’s a good boy aren’t you baby?”

I felt my face flushing red again. I didn’t want to be a good boy. Not if it meant that.

“He’s nice and open too,” Leo said standing up and grabbing a little square package this one gold too like the ones in the other room and sliding it on, “How does he like it?”

“What do you mean by that?” Uncle Ben asked.

“Well, Connor said John likes it fast, hard. This one the same?” Leo asked him.

“Slow, go deep though, try to bottom out. Rub that button on every thrust unless you want him to last. Personally, I like to hit it every other and then speed up a little bit when I’m close. That way he finishes me,” Uncle Ben told him.

“Ok,” Leo said smiling as he climbed on top of me kissing my neck as he smiled at me, “I think you’d be fun,” he told me, “Wait you said he can beg the other way?”

“Oh yeah, Lionel’s trying to train him on it,” Uncle Ben said.

No. I wouldn’t…

“Why don’t we try it out? You want my cock baby?” he asked me.

I shook my head. No, no I wouldn’t…

“I think, you do,” Leo said rubbing his nose up against mine, me feeling his breath on my lips, “Tell me.” He said as he started pushing into me. 

I tried to push him off, shaking my head at him as he grabbed my wrists him pushing in a little bit as he breached me, “Well shit. You are tight, aren’t you?”

“Please,” I said my body starting to burn at the intrusion. That’s the worst part about being torn or ripped is it burns. Anything going in or coming out burns. Burns a lot more than just the usual penetration your body screaming at you that it’s not ready, that it doesn’t want to.

“Oh shit,” he said, “Relax, relax. You’re going to make it worse.”

“Told you he was like a glove,” Uncle Ben said.

“More like a vice. I’ve been with throwaways that are 6 that aren’t this tight,” Leo muttered pulling out and pushing back in again.

“It hurts,” I told him, “It…”

“It can’t hurt that bad little thing,” he said, “I’ll make it feel good you just have to relax.”

“Please, please stop. Please, stop…,” I begged him as he did it again pushing in farther groaning happily as he did so.

“Of course, you have,” Uncle Ben said, “Throwaways are throwaways. They’re fun for when you really want to hurt something.”

“For sure,” Leo said, “Oh shit…yes. That’s…”

He managed to hit it my whole-body shuddering causing him to smile at me. Me making a sound somewhere between a hum and a moan. It hurt. It stung. Almost like skin had been pinched, caught in a door only it was inside me. My body hating the friction as he pulled out, rolling his hips before pushing himself all the way back in.

“That’s it huh? Mewling just like a kitten just like your brother,” he said hitting it again.

“He won’t last long you keep hitting it directly you might want to pull back a little bit,” Uncle Ben warned him.

“Well, how long does he take to recharge?” Leo asked him.  
“He has like 0 refractory,” Uncle Ben said.

“Then I’ll make him…oh fuck yes,” he said hitting against it, my body tensing as I moaned, “come as many times as I want.”

“He pops. He can only go three or four times before he goes limp. Because he can’t really interact and I think Hank and Connor want him active,” Uncle Ben said.

“So? It’s my birthday. I can… oh yeah, that’s it,” he said hitting against it again.

I hated it. The fact that it burned and then tickled before throbbing. Making it hard to think, hard to do anything other than…

“MMM,” I moaned.

“That’s it…that’s it…,” Leo cooed, “You feel good. You feel so good…oh god…so….so good,” he said his body pushing into mine. Pushing against that spot, making my body shutter, “FUCK!! OH, SHIT YEAH.”

He stilled. Me hoping he was done. That they were done. Because it felt sticky. Gross.

“He’s probably really fun to breed,” Leo said.

I knew what breeding was. It was when dogs had sex. When a male dog got a female dog pregnant. I knew what it was. He was talking about doing what Da and Uncle Ben did. Doing what Lionel did. Having unprotected sex with me. Doing those things with me without a condom.

“He is,” Uncle Ben said, “I’m no longer supposed to play naturally with him but I do. Don’t tell my brother or Lionel though.”

“The old man can kiss my ass. He did that once upon a time anyway,” Leo told Uncle Ben, “I can’t wait to sign this…oh his brother is a sweetheart too.”

“Johnny? Yeah, he can be for sure,” Uncle Ben agreed, “You’re talking about signing him?”

“Fuck yes,” Leo said, “He’s nice. He’ll feel great to breed to. I want to feel that.”

“I’ve only been natural with him a couple of times but, he’s really nice too. Will here is the best boy cunt I’ve ever had though. And you know me…I’ve…”

Leo laughed loudly, “Yes you have. Does this one breed well?”

“He did the other night,” Uncle Ben said, “I’d love to breed him right now but like I already mentioned Lionel said to focus on safe play for a while. But that after your birthday we’re stopping for a bit just to…”

There was a knock on the door Leo getting up and answering it while Uncle Ben climbed onto the bed, kissing me, kissing me hard. Kissing up and down my chest me trying to push him away. I shook my head trying to kick out, trying to find some sort of foothold so I could push myself away. So, I could get out from under him.

He grabbed my knees pulling me as close to him as possible, trying to get me to wrap my legs around his waist as I pushed at him, finding that he was too heavy. That I wasn’t strong enough.

“Uncle Ben please it hurts. It hurts. My body hurts,” I begged him.

“It’s ok, I’ll make you feel good. That’s all I want, baby, is to make you feel good,” he cooed at me as Da and Hank came in, “How about we show Hank what a good boy you can be huh?”

“No, I don’t want to,” I said pushing at his chest, “Please I don’t want to. I don’t want to. Da, Daddy please, please make him… AHHHH!” I screamed as he pushed into me. Pushed all the way into me.

“There you go honey,” Da said climbing on the bed kissing my forehead, “That’s it. Let Uncle Ben make you feel good honey.”

“He’s …amazing,” Uncle Ben said, “Tell me what you want. You want me to fuck you?”

I shook my head just trying to breathe, just trying to …. My whole body screaming at me. Screaming at me that it wanted to stop. I just wanted them to stop. My brain…my brain calculating how to best make it stop.

“I want you to fuck me,” I gasped.

“You do?” Uncle Ben asked me excitedly as I nodded my head.

“Fuck me, fuck me, Benny,” I moaned him hitting against it. “mmm,” was I all managed after that point, him hitting up against that spot over and over and over not stopping. 

He kept going and then he stopped. Someone else climbing on top of me. Me trying to blank out. After a while, so many things happening I couldn’t feel the burning anymore. Until the only thing I felt was my head throbbing before they stopped. I lost track of how many times I orgasmed. How many times they pushed my body to that point. Me hearing them brag about it. Say obscene things about it as Uncle Ben lifted me up.

“Well, shit,” I heard Leo mumbled.

“What?” Da asked before he looked at the bed, “It’s bright he’ll be fine. It’s not a lot.”

I had no idea what they were talking about but my stomach was starting to cramp. I knew that. I knew that I felt raw and sore and that my face and head hurt. That everything hurt. I felt them lift me but the moving barely registered me just hoping I didn’t…that my body didn’t lose control, what little control it had left.

My stomach was in bad shape and I needed the bathroom but I didn’t have the energy to stand. Me opening my eyes as my stomach grumbled curling into the fetal position and realizing I wasn’t moving anymore.

“He’s…,” I heard John mutter.

“I know I see it. Hey, Will…are you there? Are you…?”

“I... It hurts,” I managed to mutter.

“Ok now if you lose control just so you know it’s ok. It’s been hard. Don’t make yourself sick by trying to control it when you can’t,” Cole told me.

“Are you telling him to… crap himself?” John asked him.

“Look until you’ve been torn and you’re in that type of pain and they keep going at you, you don’t know how bad that hurts. He’ll just get sicker if he tries to control it,” Cole told him, “It’s happened to me about a million times. Pat too. Last time we were down here together Pat lost control remember that?” Cole asked him.

“Yeah but it’s not like he could help it,” John said, “He was…Ok.”

John sighed scooting over to me, laying so we were head to head running his hand through my hair. My body hurt so bad. My face felt like it was throbbing with every heartbeat. My stomach gurgling like it was trying to dislodge something that had gotten stuck inside of me. Someone rattling the cage John and I both jumping.

“Very funny Ben,” Cole sighed not even sitting up slightly, “I’m trying to sleep here do you mind?”

“Did you used to beg for it?” Uncle Ben asked him.

“What?” Cole asked.

“Fuck me Daddy L, fuck me fill with your cum…. make me feel so good Daddy L…,” Uncle Ben said in a high-pitched voice mimicking the voice of a younger kid. My inside freezing over as Cole sat up slightly.

“I was someone’s slut before I was yours. Jealous much?” Cole asked shaking his head, “No one here cares we’re trying to sleep while you fuck my brother. Please, we’re tired. We want to sleep.”

“Fine,” Uncle Ben said walking away.

“What?” John asked.

“It’s nothing,” Cole said, “He’s just trying to piss me off for some reason. Ignore him.”

“Who is Daddy L?’ John asked.

My weight must have shifted or something John running his hand through my hair, “It’s ok wingman. Just try and rest.”

“It really hurts,” I moaned.

“Man, if you have to go, go,” Cole muttered.

“Be nice, he’s my brother,” John told him.

“I didn’t mean it in a mad way I’m just tired. Ok? We’re all tired. I want to sleep. If he has to shit himself he should because it’s going to better than listening to him whine as his body gets more and more uncomfortable trying to fight it. Who knows maybe they’ll spray us with some water if he does. I’m fucking thirsty and you know they won’t give us any if we ask,” Cole moaned.

“I am thirsty,” John agreed.

“I want it to stop,” I said.

I did. I wanted to go upstairs. To wash. I wanted them to never touch me again. I wanted Uncle Ben to take back what he had said. All the things they had said. I didn’t want people knowing those things. Knowing that…

“Hey wingman,” John said running his hand through my hair as he laid with the top of his head against man, “It’s ok. We’ll be ok.”

“Will,” Cole said grabbing my hand that was hovering near my face, “It’s ok. John’s right. We’ll be ok.”

That was easy for them to say. They didn’t have to deal with him. They didn’t have to know him. They didn’t have to wait for him. To wait for him to come back, to wait for him to tell them they were making movies. That they were filming…that they were…  
“Hey,” Cole said sitting up, “Hey come here. Will, come here.”

“Cole what are you doing?” John asked as Cole slowly started dragging me towards him.

“I want to tell him something,” Cole said.

“Tell him what? What is it you want to tell him that you don’t want me to hear?” John asked him.

“John,” Cole said frowning at him, “You really think I’d…”

“You made out with him. How do I know? You might be my friend Cole but honestly, anything you have to say to him you say loud enough for me to hear it ok?” John said.

“All right,” Cole said letting go of my arm, “All right. Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s ok,” John said moving so his head was up against mine again, “I’m just…we’re all tired. Maybe we should all try to sleep.”

“It’d be easier if Pat was here,” Cole muttered, “Hank is hard on him.”

“I know,” John said, “Trust me I remember dealing with Hank and I did it earlier and he’s the same shit bag he’s always been I’m pretty sure. At least Will isn’t his type.”

“Yeah,” Cole muttered quietly looking at me.

I thanked him silently. I didn’t want John to know. Didn’t need him to know. It was my body. My brother didn’t need to know who had used it. Who had access to it. I didn’t want him knowing about that. About Hank and what Hank had said. About the stuff, any of them had said.

“Night guys,” Cole mumbled as John’s hand found my head again.

“Night Cole. Night wingman. You tell me if you need anything ok? I’ll see what I can do. You just let me know all right?” John said.

I nodded my head. I needed a lot of things. Clothes, a shower, a toilet, a drink, I was covered in lube and spit. It made me wonder what it would cost him to get me those things. A blow job? Having a dick shoved down his throat? Being anally raped and pretending he liked it? Or being asked to scream while they did it.

I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t do that to him. Not for anything. Not to save my life. Me closing my eyes and trying not to start crying again. My whole body beyond tired. I don’t remember falling asleep but I must have me waking up to shrieking, to the sound of terror. Cole being pulled out of the cage again. 

It seemed to go on like that for forever. First John being pulled out into the other room and then me both of us being put back and Pat being taken away and then Cole. All of us being dumped back in for a while. At least I think it was a while. I longer I laid there the more it hurt my stomach finally not able to hold it any longer me scooting and putting myself right up against the bars of the cage hoping it didn’t smell. Cole decided that was a good enough excuse for him to no longer hold it and getting on his knees deciding to urinate over the edge as well.

“If they beat us at least they have a reason now,” he told me shrugging his shoulders and smiling.

“You don’t find this gross?” I asked him.

“I’ve seen worse,” Cole said, “Seriously don’t worry about it. If I had to dump I would too but usually, I get the other problem.”

“Constipated?” I asked.

“Yeah, I guess everyone is one way or the other by the time they are finished with them. Don’t worry about it,” Cole said before laying down again putting his feet up on the bars, “The trick is the lay with your head in the center if you can. That way you don’t have to worry about being too close to anything you don’t want to be. It’s a lesson you learn pretty fast usually.”

They opened the cage throwing Pat inside barely awake grabbing John. Pat’s eyes snapped open the moment he heard him whimper. Sitting up and trying to stop them and they pulled John so fast from the cage you could hear his back being scratched against the edge of it as he fell on his ass going silent. Probably having had the wind knocked out of him as well as his back skinned and Uncle Ben picked him up and Hank smiled at us shutting the cage door.

“NO! Let him go!” Pat said shaking his head, “Let him the fuck go! Come on Dad! McGregor! He can’t do it again let him go! LET HIM GO!!!”

They took him over to the medical table. I had never seen them use it before. Me watching long enough for them to force his heels into these weird cups hanging off the end of it, forcing him to hold his legs open as they strapped his legs into before fastening a blindfold over his face.

“DON'T!!!” I screamed out, to tell them to stop. Getting ready to tell them they could take me, Cole sitting up and grabbing me forcing my head down, forcing me to lay down next to him.

“Don’t look,” Cole whispered, “It won’t help him any. It’ll make it worse. Pat, PAT!” Cole muttered.

“FUCK YOU GUYS, YOU FUCKING FREAKS! FUCKING A FUCKING KID. You fucking!!!” Pat sighed before throwing his whole body against the cage door and spitting at them, causing us to sway forward on our chain before he too gave up going silent and laying down, laying his head up against mine and Cole’s as John started screaming.

“What are they doing?” I asked them quietly.

Our heads were all pressed together in a small circle. Think of the babysitter’s club movie posters or switched at birth only with three people, boys instead of girls. So, it was easy for us to hear each other whisper even over the screaming. John sounding like he was dying until something happened to him making a choking sound before his screamed became muffled.

“It’s…,” Cole sighed trailing off.

“Don’t worry about it,” Pat tried to assure me, “Just, just try to stay calm and quiet. We’re going to need to be strong for him.”

“If we stay calm and quiet maybe they won’t get bored as fast too,” Cole muttered.

“COLE!” Pat hissed in a whisper, “Not ok. Don’t say that.”

“Sorry, it’s… I’m sorry,” Cole said.

I understood why Cole had said it. I wasn’t offended. He was thinking about self-preservation which was an option we barely had. Why draw attention to yourself though when it would only hurt? When you were already sore and tired? When as long as it was someone else they were touching it wasn’t you? I didn’t feel offended or upset about it all even though that was my brother he was talking about. 

“It’s ok,” I whispered, “Well, make sure he’s ok.”

“We don’t know that,” Pat said shaking his head, “He was bad after one time this is his third time on the tables.”

“It’s not a table,” I notified him.

“It’s slang,” Cole whispered, “At the villa, we call it on the tables remember? I mean there they usually tie as to actual tables but, table, bed, futon, medical chair, all the same difference. You’re still expected to spread your legs show them your ass and do what you’re told.”

Just hearing him whisper the words made me shudder. Reminded me of what my life was. That may be at one point it might have been different but we were unlucky. Not as unlucky as some but unluckier than most. That this was what our lives were going to be, my life and the life of my siblings. That the Mark on my right hips and on John’s, Matt’s and Mike’s hips was the same mark that James would have, and Andy, Mac, Shay and any other brothers that I may or may not have after them. That this was what we were. What we all were and all that we would ever be.

I must have gasped or shuddered or something because Cole reached up rubbing my head like John had been doing earlier, “It’s ok,” he whispered, “It’ll be ok. You’ll see.”

“We don’t know that,” Pat said again shaking his head some more, “Don’t say that. We don’t know that. He could go cato. You don’t know he hasn’t been…” 

Pat made a sound in the back of his throat causing me to sit up to look at him. He had both his hands over his eyes, his face scrunched up. He was crying. I had never seen Pat cry besides the night before we had left and then last night. Never.

I didn’t know what cato was. I had no idea but I wasn’t sure if it was ok to ask or not. Pat making it sound bad. Making it sound like something he was afraid of. Something that was very serious. 

“Pat,” I said quietly touching his shoulder, “Pat please don’t cry. We’ll get him back. No matter what happens we’ll get him back.”

I didn’t know what else to say but that’s what he was afraid of was losing him. I knew it was something he feared more than anything the only two times he had ever cried in front of me is because of that, because of that fear. Pat sniffling because he moved a hand from his face grabbing mine and squeezing it nodding his head.

I knew Pat loved him. Loved him more than anything. Us all going silent because of Pat’s tears as John’s screaming started back up before the screaming quieted to a moaning, grabbled moaning and crying before he went silent. His body probably going numb from the…from being over stimulated. 

“You really like him don’t you Hank?” I heard Uncle Ben laugh.

“He’s nice. I’d love the chance to breed him,” Hank said.

I cringed. I hated it when they talked about us like we're dogs, property. Like we were nothing and no one.

“Maybe for your birthday if somethings fall through,” Da said.

“It won’t,” Leo said, “Let’s get him up. Trade him in for a break.”

“Who do you want?” Uncle Ben asked him.

“The blond, the older one, he’s hard. I like hard,” Leo said.

At that, I looked over at Cole his eyes going wide as he sat up. Closing his eyes and rounding his lips in an exhale like he was breathing to keep himself from hyperventilating. We were all scared. We were all tired. Da turning and looking over before he sighed going over and grabbing something from the wall that looked like a hose that you would have for a kitchen before spraying it. The water was freezing but somehow it felt better. Him spraying us until there was water dripping from our hair instead of sweat. Until we were soaked and shivering but didn’t feel thirsty anymore. Didn’t feel sticky anymore.

They pulled John up, Uncle Ben and Hank supporting his weight as they dragged him towards the Cage Leo holding it open. Pat sitting up and grabbing my arm pulling me back as they brought him over still blindfolded his legs limp and dragging against the carpet behind him before lifted him high enough to clear the bottom of our cage and laid him down gently taking his blindfold off.

Cole looked at them scooting closer, “I can…” he managed before they grabbed his ankle yanking him out of the cage in the same fashion they had John. Him hissing in pain as they pulled him to his feet. He screamed, he screamed as they pulled him over to that same medical chair. As they forced him down onto it.  
As soon as the cage door closed John scurried up against the far side the side away from them putting his hand over his ears and closing his eyes, “It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real…” he repeated rocking back and forth causing us to sway me sighing and getting ready to reach out and touch him, let him know I was there before Pat put a hand on my shoulder and shook his head at me.

“I wouldn’t,” Pat said, “Don’t touch him. He needs his body to calm down. It’s all he feels right now, is them. It won’t help if you touch him.”

“I just…,” I said me fighting back my tears, “It is horrible that I want him to stop?"

“No,” Pat told me before hugging me, pulling me into his arms from behind for just a second before letting me go, “There’s nothing wrong with being scared and wanting him to stop. I just hope he’ll come out of it.”

“No, no, no, Hank…Hank, NO, NO,” I heard Cole screaming.

I looked over. Made the mistake of looking over again Da and Uncle Ben holding Cole’s arms as Leo stood back smiling. Cole was blindfolded Hank pushing into him, pushing into him slowly as Cole screamed. I laid down. Closing my eyes wishing I could burn away the image. Wishing I didn’t have to see it. Wishing I hadn’t seen it.

I curled into a ball, trying to block out the screams. Them not stopping until Cole like John before him had gone quiet, them dragging him back the same they had John, putting him back in the cage and then closing it. Ben smiling at us through the bars as he went over to the corner where they had all put their clothes pulling his underwear and pants back on not bothering to do them up before they all left shutting the door behind them.

It felt like it the end of a sentence. One that should be ending with us outside the cage, outside the room. A silence falling between us Cole opening his eyes to look at me as I sat up folding my arms around my knees, hugging them to my body wondering why we were still there even though they were gone. Why they hadn’t let us out.

“What are they doing?” I dared to ask breaking the silence as Cole sat up rubbing his temples with his fingers.

“Going to sleep?” Cole muttered shrugging his shoulders at me.

“Probably,” Pat agreed.

If they were going to sleep and we were still here that meant…they weren’t done. That we were still theirs. The idea making me gulp. Making me wish I could scream but not finding the energy, “They aren’t going to let us out?” I asked not wanting to believe it. To believe the fact that was staring me right in the face.

“It means they’re not done,” Cole said looking at some spot over my head before sighing and closing his eyes.

“Oh,” I said nodding my head, “Are they just going to keep us down here?”

I didn’t know if that was better, knowing they weren’t finished or worse. Because it wasn’t like we were safe once they let us out. Once they let us go upstairs again. It was always only a matter of time. A matter of time before they came upstairs. Before Uncle Ben told me, I had to…to go to his room. Before Da came to mine or came upstairs and went to one of them.

Went to John. John who was frozen where he had been since the had let him go, he was staring at nothing, past everything that was there and rocking back and forth slowly. Making us sway gently. Pat had been right. He wasn’t ok. He was so far from ok I wasn’t sure he’d ever be nearly ok again just looking at him. Me wondering if he would…he would ever say anything again besides mutter at himself in terrified whispers. 

“Until they decide they are done, yeah,” Pat told me, “It’ll be ok. We’ll be fine. They won’t kill us. They can’t without permission.”

“I’m not worried about that,” I sighed, “He’s not normal. He’s not going to be ok.”

I didn’t want to point at him the words stinging as I said them wondering how long I would be all alone. How long until mum came back if she ever did. As much as Alice seemed to care she wasn’t…she wasn’t what we needed. We needed mum and John. And in that moment, I didn’t have either of them let alone anyone else.

“Rabbit?” Pat asked looking at him combing his black hair back from his face using his knees to move closer to John, close enough he was mere inches from his face, “You ok?”

John blinked, looking at his lap before he sighed, his rocking increasing for a second, “I…I... I’m in the cage,” he barely whispered.

“Yeah Rabbit,” Pat said quietly nodding his head, “You’re in the cage. You in there somewhere?”

John’s lips moved but I couldn’t make out what he was saying. Me holding my breath as I waited to see if he would answer, if he would do anything, if he would even look at us. Look at Pat. Pat who he loved more than anything. Pat who he had once felt he couldn’t live without. Pat, the one person that could bring him back if it was even possible.

His lips kept moving for a second before he shook his head slightly gasping as he drew in a deep breath, “Yeah…, I…sorry.”

I sighed. He was ok. He was still there somewhere. Maybe he would be ok. If we got out of this, out of that damn room he might be ok.

Pat sighed in relief holding out his hand even though he was close enough to touch John giving him a smile, “You have nothing to be sorry about ok?”

John shook his head his tongue touching his back moral, “I want them to stop.”

“I know Rabbit, me too. How is everyone else?” Pat asked as John reached out and grabbed his hand finally, Pat visibly relaxing at his touch.

“I’ll be fine,” Cole said laying back down, “I that was fucking bizarre though. I can’t…no.” he closed his eyes.

I sighed. I didn’t want to talk about it. It was bad enough I had been trapped there long enough I had no choice but to shit myself. That Cole had urinated just so I hadn’t been embarrassed for not being able to hold it any longer. That my mouth was so dry I could swear the only thing I tasted was dried bacteria on my tongue thankful no one had shoved a dick in my throat because then I would be tasting was someone’s dried cum. Me wondering if it was over. If it would be over soon.

“Are they going to do that to me? That thing, with the mask?” I managed to ask.

“I don’t know Will,” Pat sighed looking at me, something about his face telling me that he did. That he was pretty sure of whatever he had decided.

He had dealt with them the longest. Being Hank’s son. Hank who had probably started hurting him young. Who I knew very well had killed Charlie when Charlie was only six making me wonder how long he had been hurting Pat like that, making Pat do those things. Making me sure that no one knew Hank better than his own son. Because Pat knew Hank in ways that no one else ever could.

I knew Uncle Ben would like it. If he was mad at me he’d want me to…to do that. To scream like that until I couldn’t scream anymore. That Da would too. That if Leo was friends with them he probably had the same mean streak they did.

“I will try and do everything I can to make sure they don’t. I’m sure if John was ok he would tell you the same thing.”

It felt like being punched. I didn’t want it. I was too tired to fight it. I didn’t want it, “I can’t do that,” I said letting the tears come knowing that there wasn’t any reason to hide it, “Please. I can’t…” me sniffling and hiccupping as I realized how bad John was that me crying and sobbing would only make him feel worse, would only make him pull away and back into whatever place in his head he had been staying at.

John moved beside me turning to look at me before he hugged me his body shuddering as he embraced me, “I’ll try to keep you safe.”

It felt weird, his arms limp around me like he was barely holding me, like he couldn’t stand the feeling of someone’s skin against his but he was trying. He was trying for me. I regretted my words as soon as they came out. Me not even realizing I was saying them until I was finished asking the question.

“What did it feel like?”

John sighed closing his eyes as he pulled me down, forcing us to lay down as he faced me, “It hurt.” He said quietly.

“Yeah,” Cole said, “I just hope they don’t do that again, couldn’t even fucking tell who was doing what.”

“Language,” Pat said to Cole quietly sounding like he barely had any energy left.

I think Cole and I frowned at him at the same time me too lazy to really sit up even though it was stupid. I was 11. I wasn’t five. I had been down there all night with them. I had listened to them be raped repeatedly and they had listened to me scream while the same thing had happened to me even if John hadn’t been in the room and Pat was worried about Cole swearing in front of me? I wasn’t a fucking child. Just because I had the body of one and they liked that, the sick fucks who had locked us down there didn’t make me one. Not when I had the same experience the three of them had gone through.

“You know I’ve made out with him, right? And John talks like that all the time in front of me,” I muttered.

“And we’re locked in a cage naked together in a sex dungeon,” Cole added.

“That doesn’t mean we get to talk like that in front of someone who is 11,” Pat said looking up at the dome of the cage. Looking up at the chain that was supporting us. That would probably be holding us up all night.

“You mean just because we’re being treated like animals doesn’t mean we get to talk like fucking animals?” Awesome, thanks,” Cole said a bite in his voice.

He sounded bitter, angry. Angry like I wish I still had the energy to feel. Angry like the emotion I couldn’t find because I was so tired. The aches and throbs dulling because they had been a part of me for so long I almost didn’t notice them.

“Hey,” Pat said as he directed his eyes upward to look at Cole who was laying with his head against Cole’s, “I didn’t put you down here. Don’t take this out on me.”

“I know you didn’t but I’m sure you didn’t help. Messing around with your boyfriend in the pool. Especially here of all places, really? I mean come on Pat. Maybe if you two could keep your hands off each other they might be less interested,” Cole said shaking his head.

I had never seen them treat each other that way. Never seen them fight like that. Blame each other like that. Me remembering the pool and realizing Cole said the word “boyfriend. I thought they had decided that they weren’t…

“What? Boyfriend? But I thought that the two of you were over?”

“We’re just friends,” Pat mumbled.

“Friends that dry hump each other,” Cole sneered.

With that Pat sat up turning to face Cole. He looked angry shaking his head at him, “Excuse you! I don’t get on your case about Kristoff or Caleb or anything else so back the fuck off! At least he’s just one person and I can’t do anything with him anyway,” Pat spat.

“Oh yea, that’s right,” Cole said sitting up too, “You’re a fucking kept boy. Like that will actually stop you?”

John sighed heavily, “Don’t talk about me like I’m not here Cole and you know this isn’t on him.”

He had actually said more than four words at a time. He had actually spoken. Me looking at him as his eyes glanced at me. He looked so tired. Not even angry that they were fighting about him, over him. He just looked tired.

“No, it’s not on him, is it? It’s on you,” Cole said the hair on the back of my neck standing up as I felt angry, “You’re their playing. We just came over at the wrong time, right?”

Before I could reply Pat looked at him, “Cole you don’t blame him. Shut the fuck up or I will sock you so hard you’ll be knocked into last week so shut your fucking mouth.”

Now that I wasn’t expecting. Yeah, I knew Pat would defend John against anything but I would think he would be gentler with his brother, or the guy he considered his brother me surprised that he had sworn to hit him.

“He’s right it’s my fault,” John muttered from where he was lying, closing his eyes in defeat.

That was enough. I was tired. They were being stupid it wasn’t anyone’s fault. I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted to fucking be somewhere else and I didn’t have a choice but to wait for one of them to punch each other? This was beyond retarded.  
“NO!” I said sitting up and shaking my head, feeling my face throb, I did it so forcefully, “NO! IT’S NOT! All three of you stop it,” I said Cole opening his mouth to say something me not waiting to hear it, not sure I wanted to, “STOP IT! We’re all stuck here and they are torturing all of us. Not just one of us, all of us. We’re all here ok? This isn’t anyone’s fault but theirs. This is what they want. They want us at each other’s throats ok? So, knock it off,” I huffed laying back down staring up at the ceiling, “Taking our anger out on each other because we’re mad at them doesn’t help anything. We’re all tired. We’re all sore and we’re all stuck here. So, let’s try and sleep.”

Something I said must have made sense to Cole his face falling, changing from one of anger to guilt as he looked at me and then looked at John, almost like the wind going out of a sail, “John, I’m sorry. I didn’t…”

“Yeah you did mean it but it’s true. So, it doesn’t matter.” John muttered looking at nothing as I glanced at him.

“No, it’s not true and it does matter. I’m sorry, ok? I shouldn’t have said it and I didn’t mean it,” Cole said shaking his head at John.

“It’s true though,” John said closing his eyes.

“HEY!” Pat said loudly causing everyone’s head to snap in his direction, “It’s not true. I don’t care what they make you feel. This is not on you. It’s on them. They made this choice not you, you didn’t do this, ok Rabbit?”

John made a snorting sound like he didn’t believe it but accepted it, nodding his head as he blinked before closing them again.

I expect that to be the end of everything but Pat didn’t move, didn’t move to lay down. He sighed heavily staring at John. Staring at his face. John must have sensed it because he opened his eyes his eyes going from annoyed to curious as he looked up at Pat who was staring down at him, “What?” he asked his eyes soft, giving Pat puppy dog eyes as he bit his lip.

“Can I hug you?” I heard Pat whisper looking at him, looking directly into John’s face like Cole and I weren’t there. Like the cage didn’t exists, like it was just them. Just the two of them alone and somewhere safe. Somewhere where none of it mattered. Where they weren’t hurting or naked, or scared.

John nodded his head sitting up from where he had been lying face to face with me him getting on his knees as I sat up too scooting back so they could reach each other, Pat’s arms encircling John who seemed to shake a little bit at the contact, me afraid he would pull away into that space again. That he wasn’t ready to be touched yet before he pulled Pat in tight against him pushing his head against Pat’s chest, listening to his heart as they both laid back, laid together. John closing his eyes and sniffling.

“You’re ok,” I heard Pat barely whisper before kissing the top of his head as John closed his eyes, “It’s ok.”

Cole got up and moved over watching me watch them. Him smiling softly as he laid between me and John’s back. I wasn’t sure what he was smiling at. Wasn’t sure why he had blocked my view of them before he reached out grabbing my hand.

“It’ll be ok,” Cole told me, “You’ll see we’ll feel better once we sleep. Even if it’s only a little bit.”

I wasn’t sure what to say, not sure it was true but wanting to believe it. To believe that maybe he was right. Maybe when we woke up they would let us go. Me closing my eyes as Cole rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb. Me drifting off to sleep.


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will and Cole are finally allowed to leave the basement and end up having a talk Will's mind shifting to thoughts that most teenagers eventually have causing him some embarrassment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1034-1041 **Warnings: Abuse, mental health issues, crushes,** Short chapter but still a good one explains a couple of little things here and there **John's POV part 2 Chapter 6**

I’m not sure what woke me up, if it was the whispering or the door opening but I opened my eyes sitting up, it was them. Uncle Ben smiling at me as he came over pulling his t-shirt over his head.

“Morning baby,” he said smiling at me, “How are you feeling? Are you still bleeding?”

I shook my head. I had quit bleeding at some point while I was sleeping I was pretty sure. When you have an anal tear, any irritation will cause it to bleed and having a dick shoved up your ass is irritating. My body complaining as I sat up, slowly looking at him before rubbing the sleep out of my eyes Cole stirring beside me and sitting up, his hand going to mine and grabbing it to pull me back.

“Don’t worry guys,” Uncle Ben said undoing his pants, “We’re almost done. I’ll take you upstairs ok baby? Give you a bath.”

I heard Cole gulp beside me squeezing my hand as I noticed Pat sitting up shaking John’s shoulder causing him to wake up as well. Da and Leo were there too but Hank wasn’t. It made me wonder where he was Pat looking around mumbling.

“Where’s my dad?”

“He’s at work,” Da said as Leo and he both approached the cage.

“Hi,” Leo said staring right at John even though he was talking to all four of us, “Here’s the plan, we’re going to draw straws. The person who gets the short straw stays for one more round. Everyone else can leave.”

You would have thought we would be relieved. That after the night before, the fighting we would have been glad that it was only going to be one of us but I think we all knew. It was Leo and Da and Uncle Ben. We all knew. We all knew that it was a trick. Who they were going to choose. There wasn’t any contest. He had been a muttering mess for most of the night he had been locked in with us. After he finally started talking he kept twitching in his sleep, whimpering. He wasn’t in good shape. He couldn’t handle it. Cole, Pat and I all exchanged glances before Pat and I looked at John.

John was pale, shaking, shivering like he had been on and off since it had happened. Him mouthing something but I couldn’t tell what like he had lost his ability to speak like he was so scared he couldn’t find the words anymore. His eyes wide in terror.

Pat leaned in whispering something in his ear squeezing his hand before he looked at Leo and Da bravely, “No straws. I’ll do it,” he said looking straight at the three of them.

“No, we’re doing straws,” Leo commanded, “If no one wants to draw a straw I’ll draw for each of you and tell you which one is yours. Any takers?” he asked holding out his fist which had four straws in it looking at us expectantly. 

None of us moved as Da opened the cage. None of us moved or stepped forward. None of us were going to draw. None of us wanted it to happen.

Leo sighed impatiently before drawing the first straw out of his fist, “Ok, this straw is yours, Will,” he said pointing it at me and throwing it on the ground, “And this straw is yours Patrick and this one…oh look another long one is Cole’s. So, guess who gets the short straw?”

Da smiled so widely I thought it would split his face in two. Almost like he felt it was his birthday they were celebrating instead of Leo’s me looking over to see John’s whole body still shaking as Pat cursed loudly.

“You can’t do that to him! You can’t! He’s not well! He’s sick! You’ve driven him to the point where he can’t even be touched,” Pat shouted at them.

I looked from Pat to Da and Leo, Leo smiling, looking smug. While Da frowned. Frowned at Pat who had dared to say anything to stand up to him.

“Oh, he can be touched. You want to see,” Leo asked him holding his hand out to John, directing him to take it, “Come here, Johnny.”

John shook his head slightly, “No.” he barely whispered.

Cole moved to the front of the cage Da backing up before he grabbed my arm pulling me a bit hard, pulling me out of the cage so fast I almost fell but managed to land on my feet my very sore legs protesting as he pushed past Da pulling me out the door and putting my arm over his shoulder almost lifting me up and forcing me quickly up the stairs.

“Cole! COLE!” I shouted halfway up the stairs case getting him to stop and look at me.

“What? There’s nothing we can do. I know he’s your brother, my brother is down there too but trusts me what Pat just did, they won’t like and he and John will pay for it. They’ll make sure. We’re better off letting just Pat and John deal with it than us sitting there and having to worry about it too. I’m going to go to the hot tub because you know the kids aren’t going to be coming down, Hank’s at work, my dads at work so we’ll be fine. The heat will help. You want to come too?”

“The hot tub?” I asked numbly.

“Yeah, you know in the indoor pool room?” he asked me, “Please tell me you didn’t forget you own a hot tub.”

“I never really thought about it,” I answered quietly.

“It’ll help with some…things. The soreness. You should really come with me ok?” he told me letting me go letting me continue up the stairs of my own free will.

I wasn’t sure I felt like swimming. Or sitting a hot tub but I wasn’t about leave him alone on his own. Not when Pat had stayed with John to make sure he wasn’t left alone me deciding to follow him as he opened the door and then hit all the switches like he was pro like he knew where all of them were. Even hitting the switch for the privacy shades so they would close before he went over and punched a bunch of buttons on the side of the hot tub before getting in the bubbles starting in a slow cascade until they filled the tiny pool around him popping lazily to the surface and then breaking open.

I sighed sitting down surprised at how soothing the hot water actually felt. Surprised that he had been right. Just sitting there for a minute or two in silence as he leaned back into the water, closing his eyes, letting his feet float on the surface as he stretched out in the tub.

“You can let the water hold your weight you know?” Cole said opening one eye to glance at me, “It’s better for your ass not to sit against hard tile right now.”

“Aren’t you worried?” I asked him quietly taking his advice as I turned my body on the surface of the water moving so I was floating beside him or heads level with each other.

“More than worried,” Cole answered, “There’s nothing to do but wait though. Trust me you don’t fight with them and you don’t stick up for each other when you’re with them. Especially like that. Not for anything.”

The way he said it sent a shiver through my body even as the parts of me that were sore and cramped started to relax, as my body realized it was no longer under attack. That I wasn’t being treated like a pleasure object at least for the moment. It scared me. Thinking of what they would do to Pat, to John because Pat had dared to say something. Dared to beg them for mercy on John’s behalf.

“What do you think they are going to do to them?” I asked him.

“It’s …,” Cole shook his head opening his eyes and sitting down on the bench under us, “They’ll hurt one of them and make the other watch it. It’s a lesson. That no one matters. That someone always pays the price for your mistakes. It’s one I learned a long time ago. Pat just forgets it sometimes is all.”

“You mean hurt as in rape?” I asked him to which Cole nodded his head, “The best way to punish someone is to hurt someone else that matters more to them than themselves. And they know that. So, they use it. The worst part about it though is now they probably think that there’s something going on between them. Because Pat does know that. Know that’s what they do. It’ll eventually get them in trouble.”

Now it was my turn to sit up. Was he saying they knew? That they knew John and Pat were together me opening my mouth to ask before Cole shook his head.

“It doesn’t mean they’re sure it means they suspect. If they suspect it’s not good. They won’t let them see each other anymore. They’ll do what they can to keep them apart because that will keep them alive. It’ll keep rumors from starting.

Hank is an asshole but he doesn’t want to lose his discount card. If Pat dies he and Dad only have me unless they adopt some poor kid from somewhere. I think somewhere deep down he might even feel bad for what happened to Charlie but I could be wrong. But anyway, they’ll do what they can to keep people from finding out if there is anything there. As long as they can keep up the illusion that they are just friends it’ll be ok as long no one outside of our handlers and I guess Leo knows.”

“I thought a Handler was your Dad or the person in charge of your care,” I questioned.

“Ben is a sub handler that means if your Da isn’t around or he like dies or whatever your Uncle Ben is in charge. He’s in charge of whose allowed to see you, who can contract you, all of those things. So, while’s he’s not an official handler he’s close enough. However, he holds no candle to a contract holder if you have one which you do. Speaking of, you need to tell him,” Cole told me.

“Tell who?” I asked him confused.

“John. I know he doesn’t know. Pat told me he was sure John doesn’t know. You need to tell him before he finds out. They were talking about it in front of Pat and I like it didn’t even matter. If John had been in the room he would have known too. You can’t…I know you’re trying to protect him but, he would be beyond devastated to hear it from them. To hear it from your Da and Uncle that they…”

“That they what Cole?!” I asked him standing up, “That they pimped me out? What good is it going to do to tell him? He’s only going to want to stop it and you know just like I know and everyone else who isn’t fucking stupid there is nothing he can do. It would only make him sicker at this point. I’m not going…I’m not going to do that to him!” I said before I started sobbing.

“Oh kid,” Cole said standing up and pulling me down into the water, “Shhh…it’s ok. You’re ok. Trust me it wouldn’t be that that’s making him worse. He just wants to protect you,” he whispered into my ear me sitting on his lap.

“He can’t,” I answered shaking my head as I looked up at him, looked at his face, his lips.

I felt it. I don’t think I had ever felt it before. Cole had explained it to me and Pat, that feeling of wanting to…me feeling my face heat up as I stared at Cole’s lips. Those lips that looked so kissable, that were so comforting and reassuring with their words, his eyes nearly going cross as he tried to focus on my face before he cheeks flushed pink and he cleared his throat.

“I huh,” he mumbled me jumping up like I was on fire.

“Sorry,” I said, “I’m…”

“Sorry,” he finished, “Yeah. It’s ok. Don’t get into that though ok? You’re too young. It’s my fault.”

“It’s not like I ha…”

“you’re 11,” Cole told me, “It doesn’t matter ok? You’re 11. And I’m with Tosh so…,” he trailed off.

“Right,” I nodded my head, “Maybe we should get dressed?”

“I think we could stay here,” he said.

“Is it really because of Tosh?” I asked him quietly.

“It’s a lot of things Will,” he told me as I moved to the other side of the hot tub.

“Don’t pretend it’s just because I’m 11,” I told him, “Don’t say that. You know there’s a difference between 11 out there and 11 in this, in here.”

“There is, yes,” Cole agreed, “But you’re his. You have to understand th…”

“You think I don’t understand that?” I asked shaking my head at him, “I get it ok? I get what he’s going to do to me. You heard them. You heard what they said.”

“Yeah but you have no idea how much you really are his. He’s very…depending on how long your mom is gone, at where ever she is it’s not good Will. It’s very bad. Very very bad. Your Da might even just give you to him. I spent a summer with him in New York. I was kept. I was locked in his apartment with a housekeeper/nanny and she was the only thing that kept me from going insane.”

“Alice?” I asked him.

He nodded his head, “She…,” he shrugged his shoulders, “She taught me things reminded me of things that would make him happy so that he wasn’t mean to me. After he was done she’d let me eat chocolate cake and chocolate chip cookies all day without complaining. Because she felt like it was the only thing she could do. She used to beg him to just once let her take me to the park or something, just me and her, just anything. She talked him into letting us go to the park once. So, we went right, to strawberry fields and then to Alice and Wonderland, the statue. And some…Alice was hanging back it was a bunch of us kids just climbing around. I mean I was 11, I was your age. I was just being a kid. Some older kid came up to me and started talking to me. He was maybe 17. Alice was watching, she was keeping an eye on things. But…all the sudden a hand came down, he grabbed me. It was him and he…I thought he was going to…he told me never. That I wasn’t allowed to leave ever again as long as I was his. Because I belonged to him. I don’t think she’s ever forgiven herself for trusting him.

You’re his just like I was. You don’t decide when you’re done he does. He’s already pissed at you. The only reason he’s giving you time to heal is because he wasn’t the one who hurt you. All the things he’s going to do it’s because he’s mad at you. Don’t make him angrier,” Cole warned me.

“What if I don’t want to be his?! What if that’s why I’m in the fucking mess in the first place?” I asked him.

“That’s why you slept with that guy?” he asked me.

“I knew,” I said, “I knew and I didn’t tell her. I knew he was going to find us. I don’t know how but I …”

“No,” Cole shook his head looking at me, “No you didn’t. You couldn’t have known. You were afraid. Fear is different than knowing. There was no way you could have known. Being back here isn’t your fault. You didn’t do this ok?”

I nodded my head. I wanted to feel relieved. But, I didn’t. It still felt like it was my fault. Being back that I should have warned them. Should have made sure mum and John understood that they were going to find us. I should have warned them and I didn’t. I was too caught up in trying to be someone else, trying to exist in some other way. I didn’t try hard enough to get them to see the danger of it.

Cole waved his hand in front of my face frowning at me, “You just did your thing. You still do that?”

“What thing? I don’t have a thing,” I muttered.

“Where you freeze. It’s like you go into suspended animation it’s weird just so you know,” Cole said, “But anyway, I’m going to get up and go in the sauna to dry myself off. I suggest you go upstairs and get some sleep. Just because I don’t want my ass handed to me after that I am probably going to walk that very sore ass home because I doubt Hank is going to be done anytime soon. I refuse to make out with you even if…” Cole cleared his throat, “Anyway you should go upstairs and just rest. Alice probably has baked a ton of junk just for you and John. I’ll see you later ok?”

I nodded my head numbly me watching him walk away. He had a very nice ass. I remember thinking that and wishing that I had the energy or means to maybe touch it. Me realizing I was a complete and utter freak of an 11-year-old before I got up. Going and turning over the privacy shades before leaving the room and going to the laundry room to grab some clothes before heading back upstairs.

When I got up there no one was awake yet besides this guy that was sitting on our couch his feet resting on our coffee table.

“Huh, Hello?” I asked him.

“Man, what’s wrong with your voice? You always talk like that?” he said to me looking at me.

“Who are you?” I asked him.

“Derek,” he said looking at me frowning at the clueless look on my face, “Alice’s son.”

“Oh!” I said remembering she had a son, “Why are you here?”

“Your Dad took you guys out of town for older son bonding?” Derek said looking at me, “My mom had to spend the weekend here watching your brothers and sisters so she brought me along to help? Are you going to do anything besides stare at me like I’m some type of unicorn or something?”

“Derek, don’t be mean to the poor boy,” Alice said, “You come here. I made you some food.”

I sighed going in and getting ready to sit down noticing a pillow in the chair I usually sat in. Me looking at her questioningly.

“Don’t worry about it, he don’t know,” she said, “He’ll be going home soon. He just has to pick me back up at the end of the day. Why don’t you sit and eat something? I’ll be right back.”

With that, she left for a minute or two the lift kicking on as Derek stepped inside waving at me sheepishly as he left for the day. I was tired Alice setting a tin of homemade oatmeal and raisin cookies next to me as she also set down a plate of scrambled eggs, “The cookies are yours to take to your room. You don’t share those but before you go rest in bed, where you’re staying you eat those eggs,” she told me to which I nodded my head.

I felt tired the baby monitor crackling as one of the babies started crying in the nursery Alice hurrying off to take care of them. I ate my eggs in quiet waiting for someone to appear and it didn’t seem like they did. It seemed like they were sleeping soundly me going to my room and climbing into bed burying my face up against Bennington's fur. I didn’t have the energy to cry. I just wanted to sleep. I knew Alice would take care of them. Even if I still needed to talk to her. I just needed to sleep.


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will deals with a long night without John upstairs. Da taking things too far and tormenting some of the most innocent people in the housebreaking Will's heart and making him feel guilty. He finds out how badly John is doing seriously worrying about his older brother's mental health but feeling conflicted and alone at the same time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1041 to 1091. **Warnings: Rape non-con off script, child sexual abuse, mental health issues, self-harm, suicidal ideation, talk of underage consensual sex,** Yes, this is a longer chapter. There's a lot that happens here obviously but it's leading up to even bigger things **John part 2 Chapter 7**

I must have fallen asleep fast because next thing I knew it was noon and I had four tiny boys and two little girls staring at me as Alice watched from the door James gently shaking my shoulder to jostle me awake.

“Alice said if it was ok with you we could have a picnic in your room on the floor. She said you didn’t feel good,” Catty said looking at me.

I glanced at Alice her giving me a small smile as I sat up yawning, “Yeah ok.”

That’s when I noticed Mike unfolding a blanket and laying it on my bedroom floor as James held a big brown paper bag and sitting it down in the middle Andy and Laura carrying a real picnic basket in-between them. Catty reaching in and starting to pull out paper plates and napkins. 

It was nice to see them. Comforting somehow, Alice leaving the door opened as she walked away to do other things.

“I helped,” James told me, “peanut butter and Jelly.”

“Alice helped me use the apple slicer,” Mike told me, “And she helped me change diapers. She said you and Jack are sick.”

“Guys,” I said throwing a pillow down on the floor before I climbed out of bed hissing in pain but trying to hide it smiling at them as I sat down, “We can’t call him Jack anymore ok? We have to be careful.”

“Just like the leader?” James asked me.

“That’s right,” I said, “Just don’t call him Jack anymore because Da doesn’t like it ok?”

“Ok,” Cat said, “Where is he?”

“He’s ok, he’s just really busy,” I told them, lied to them as I grabbed a sandwich.

“Where is he though?” Mike asked me frowning.

“He’s still at home he’s just busy,” I repeated, “I’m sure he’ll be back in a little while.”

“Did Da take you away with him? With John?” James asked.

“Don’t worry about it,” I said smiling at them, “So what did everyone do today?” I asked.

“We colored. Alice made Andy and Lar practice numbers, isn’t that right guys?” Cat said.

“1, 3, 4, 5, 5,7,6,8,9,10, 11, 13,12,” Andy said.

Laura giggled before she looked at me, “1,2,3,5,4,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,” she said.

“Very good. Very close,” I said smiling at them.

“They’re little, they’re silly,” Cat told me.

“me no,” Laura said.

“There’s nothing wrong with being silly Lar,” I said, “how about you try 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13?” I asked them.

They both repeated it mumbling at the same time mixing things up a little bit as they repeated me causing everyone to laugh even though we praised them for their efforts eating a mostly quiet lunch. It was good spending time with them where I didn’t have to take care of them. Where the only thing they had to depend on me for was entertainment Alice coming by after about half an hour and helping them clean up while she ordered me back into bed. Ordered me to rest James begging and pleading with her to stay.

She wouldn’t let him. However, I was grateful for it. It made it so I didn’t have to say no. So, I didn’t have to turn him away. I knew he loved me, I was aware they all loved me but I was tired and in pain. I was worried about John and some of the things they had said about me, about my body. I was scared and anxious and I wanted the quiet, the isolation.

The quiet helped me pull my head together. Helped me remind me that if it was me it wasn’t one of them. That if I was with Lionel or had Lionel’s affection and attention and he wasn’t hurting James even if he was planning to do so in the future. That if Da was busy with John and me he wasn’t hurting Mike or Andy or anyone else. The quiet helped me see that. And then it helped me let it go. Helped me place it somewhere in the back of my mind where my tired body and brain didn’t have dwell on it, on their safety. Allowed me to hide it away somewhere so that I could rest. So that I could find peace.

Next time I remember being awake there was a knock on my door me moaning for the person to come in figuring it was Alice telling me dinner was ready as I glanced at the clock seeing that it said it was 7 pm only to find James standing in my door way. He looked tired. So tired.

“Bud, what’s wrong?” I asked him.

“Daddy’s tucking Catty in,” he told me quietly coming into my room not waiting for me to say it was ok but snuggling into my bed me having no choice but to wrap my arms around him and notice he was shaking. Shaking like a leaf.

He was terrified me rubbing his shoulders and his back as he buried his face in my chest, “It’s ok bud. It’ll be ok. Can you tell me what you’re thinking?”

“She keeps crying. She won’t say no but she’s crying,” he told me my heart falling as I realized what was probably going on behind that closed bedroom door. That Da was probably doing things to her. Things that no little girl should ever have to experience. That no one should ever have to experience when they weren’t ready for it, when they didn’t want it.

“It’ll be ok bud,” I lied, “We’ll try our best to make sure she’s ok.”

“I don’t want her to cry anymore,” he whimpered, “And then Daddy…he’s going to…”

“Ok. Shhh…Shhh…ok,” I said nodding my head in understanding as I rocked him slowly in my arms, “It’s ok.”

He was afraid Da was going to do things to him. Rape him. For all I knew he was going to. Da being unpredictable since we had gotten back. His attention never seeming focused for too long on any one person even if John had it most of the time.

I wasn’t sure what to do other than hold him. What I could do other than sit with him and try to make him feel better. Try to comfort him. He didn’t want Catty getting hurt. None of us did but if he was in her room with her the door was probably locked. The only thing trying to interrupt would get us and her was more pain. He would finish with her and then hurt me. Or John or worse and make me watch.

Her screaming eventually got loud enough I could hear it even though it was muffled through the walls. I couldn’t hear what she was saying but I could tell she was speaking to him, probably begging him not to as best she could with the limited words and phrases he would allow her to use. For us saying no always made it worse. Telling him not to do something, or saying don’t. “please daddy don’t do that. Please daddy stop. No, Daddy, no please don’t…please.” That would get you into a world of trouble.   
Especially considering when he told you to do something you weren’t allowed to say no but only to just do what he was asking.

I waited for him to fall asleep. Him holding me tightly as he started to drift off. As I hoped Da wouldn’t do it to him too. That Da would leave him alone for the night. He’d been holding on to John since yesterday evening. He’d had me, Cole, Pat and now Catty. Did he really need anymore? Did he really need to tear anyone else apart for those 24 hours? I prayed he didn’t. Prayed that he would just leave everyone else alone.

My heart pounding as someone knocked on my bedroom door making me jump causing James to startle awake. Da opening my door and smiling at us, “Hi my boys. What’s going on?”

“N-nothing,” I managed, “Why Da?”

“It’s time for James to go to bed. I want some alone time with him,” Da said.

That made my blood run cold. I couldn’t stop him once he started but maybe I could talk him out of starting. Me holding James closer as I sat up a little bit, hoping that maybe he wouldn’t do it. Maybe he would leave him alone.

“Da?” I tried, “Don’t you think if it’s his bed time he’s tired?” I asked him.

“I’m sure he is but that’s why I want to take him to bed. I love that you two want to spend time together and I see nothing wrong with it but, it’s important he gets used to sleeping in a room by himself now that he’s home and has a room to himself that he can sleep in. So, I would like to take him to bed. Cuddle with him a little bit. Maybe nurse,” Da said.

That was something I remembered from being young, being home. The idea scaring me, scaring me enough that I managed to not care about myself, that I didn’t want him doing that to James.

“Why don’t you nurse with me?” I asked him.

“Well, he needs the training,” he told me.

“Yeah but,” I said blinking slowly, “Can’t he train another night? I mean I’m sore in a lot of places and I think it…it would be nice.”

That was a lie. It was the last thing I wanted. The last thing I felt I needed but I wasn’t going to let him do that to James. Not if I had any choice about it. James was six. James was little there wasn’t even anything to “nurse” on really. It would hurt him. Make him sore. There wasn’t any need for any more people to be sore, be in pain.

Da rested against my door way cocking a curious eyebrow at me before he shook his head slowly. He knew what I was doing. What I was trying to do. Him smiling at me like he was amused at the idea.

“Good try,” he told me, “But no, I need to start training him. You’re behind on your training yes but you need time to heal. Giving him, a head start will be appreciated.”

James buried his face into my shirt sobbing, screaming.

“Don’t start that,” Da said, “Come with me, James. NOW!”

His shout felt like it made the walls shutter. I didn’t want to let James go with him. I didn’t. But he would hurt him so much worse if I didn’t make James go me leaning over his little body as he shuttered, as he sobbed. Me trying to find a way to comfort him. Anyway.

“Bud, I think you have to. But when he’s done, you come back to me ok? I’ll help you clean up and then you can spend the night with me. If you say no though, you know how mad he gets when we say no. You have to be a big boy and I know it’s hard and it’s scary but you have to. Because he won’t let me protect you,” I told him.

“Don’t make me shout again. James Edward Henry William McGregor come here. Now,” Da warned him using his full name.

“Just another minute please Da?’ I asked him.

“30 seconds,” Da said.

“Ok? Go with Da, do whatever he tells you and then when he goes downstairs you can come back. You can stay with me tonight, ok? I love you,” I told him kissing the top of his head before I let go of him pushing him away lightly. Encouraging him to go to Da.

He nodded his head rubbing his tears off on his sleeve before he got up. My heart felt like it was going to explode with every step he took away from me, Da smiling but it was a sick smile. A smile that made me want to scream, a smile that made me sick to my stomach.

I felt like it was my fault as the door shut behind them. I felt like it was my fault. My fault that I wasn’t big enough, or strong enough. My fault that I couldn’t stop it. That I wasn’t what he wanted. I felt like the whole thing was my fucking fault and that there was nothing I could do. Once I didn’t hear him talking out in the hallway, trying to convince him that everything was ok and he wasn’t going to hurt him I went into my bathroom.

I don’t even remember really digging for it but more of it just being there, the box cutter. I remember my hands shaking almost so bad I couldn’t hold it but it was better than crying. It felt better than crying when I knew James needed me to be strong because he wasn’t allowed to be. Because he couldn’t be. Because Da was...

I bit back a sob running the blade against my forearm watching the skin part open exposing a bright pink and slightly yellow under layer. The relief flooded my body even before the droplets started to blossom from my dermis. I stopped, watching it. Watching it as it started to drip down my arm as I held my hand out in front of my face. Watching as the drips gathered in the center of the wound forming a big red streak as it moved down my arm. The blood a deep rich red me watching it until I heard liquid hitting the tiled floor near my feet and realized how bad I was actually bleeding; my attention being pulled away from the movement of it down my skin by that tiny sound of it hitting the tile.

Well shit. I remember thinking that it was probably closer to well crap but I think well, shit sums that up just fine. I wasn’t sure what to do for a minute trying to figure out if I should go get Da, stop him from doing that, spending time with James before I decided that would only postpone what he was doing, interrupt him and make him angry which might make him hurt James even worse. Because there was nothing stopping him from doing worse. Not a damn thing. So, I took a deep breath before I grabbed a wash cloth out of the towel cabinet pressing it to the wound tightly and holding it there. I remember it feeling like it took forever to stop bleeding me removing it only to find it bleeding again two or three more times before it finally dried up finally stopped enough. I washed it gently before I put a knee sized band-aid over top of it to keep it covered before I hopped back into bed. Before I started trying to settle back in waiting for James to come back.

He didn’t come back. Me hearing screams that sent me flying down the hall to find Mike and Matt both outside his bedroom door their eyes wide in terror as they listened to him shriek.

“Is he…?” Mike trailed off me pulling him into my shirt to muffle his tears as he listened to James scream. Scream for his life because he was in an unmistakable amount of pain. We knew what he was doing to him. When you were that little and your Da was that type of person you only screamed like that for one reason me taking Matty by the hand as I kept an arm around Mike and taking them across the hall to Matt’s room before tucking Matt into the top bunk and pulling Mike into the bottom bunk with me.  
“It’s ok. I’ll take care of it. Remember that talk we had?” I asked Mike quietly, whispering even though I don’t know why considering no one would have heard us speaking outside of the room.

“You said for anyone over 10 he’s not 10 Willy. He’s not. He’s hurting him really bad! Where’s John? Why isn’t John here?!” Mike whispered in a quiet panic.

“I don’t know. He’s been busy. He’s probably really really tired ok. Da was really mean to us earlier. I didn’t want him to that to Jay. I really didn’t want him to. You know Uncle Ben though, how he can be meaner when he doesn’t get what he wants? Da can be like that too sometimes and I knew he was…he’d find another time to hurt him so much worse if I didn’t just…I’ll take care of him. When Da leaves I’ll take care of him. I told Da I would do it and he wouldn’t let me,” I told him.

Just admitting that made my throat feel tight. I had seen John time and time again offer to do something for him, with him and him deciding to leave whoever it was alone. It made me feel guilty that when I offered him the same thing it didn’t work. That I wasn’t good enough to save my brothers. 

That I could offer him anything, everything and it wasn’t good enough to keep James from getting hurt, from screaming like that. Screaming like Da was killing him because of how much it hurt. Because having someone force their way into your body always hurt. Especially when your body was young and wasn’t made to do those things yet. To be treated like that yet. He was simply just too little endure that type of pain. To deal with those activities.

Mike went silently huddling himself against me, shaking and shivering as we listened to James scream. His wordless plea for Da to stop because even at six he already knew, you don’t ever tell Da to stop. Waiting for it to fall silent the moment it did all of us finally exhaling like we had been collectively holding our breathes. Like we had all stopped breathing for him. Had all suffered with him.

I waited until I heard the lift open and then close waiting to hear it kick on and travel downwards before I opened their bedroom door running to his room opening the door. He was curled in a ball. In the fetal position with his eyes closed grabbing himself. His whole body shaking the sheet under him that was covered in rockets and shooting stars tinted red. A bright red. It didn’t look right. Not even a little bit.

“Bud,” I said loud enough for him to hear, for him to know it was me, “Bud it’s Will. Can you say something?”

His face contorted his chin trembling before he started wailing. His little sobs ripping my soul apart as I went over to him. Grabbing his hand and squeezing it, getting down on my knees so I was kneeling by his side.

“I know it hurts. I’m sorry, I tried. I’m so sorry,” I told him.

“I…,” he tried talking.

“Shhh…it’s ok bud,” I said running my hand through his hair, “It’s ok. Just breathe. It’ll be ok.”

It wasn’t his first time. But it was his first time in a while and when it wasn’t regular it hurt. It hurt almost as bad as the first time. I let him cry. I just let him cry it out waiting until he couldn’t anymore. Until his sobs and silenced. 

“I’m going to go run you a bath. Do you want my shirt to sleep in?” I asked him.

He nodded his head sadly causing me to smile. He was just a poor kid. My poor kid. I had tried. I had offered him…and he had said no. That he would rather rape a little boy. A little boy who couldn’t feel anything from it but pain. Me wondering how he could…why? Just why.

I ran the water. Filling the tub with it, waiting until it was nearly full before I went back to his room and picked him up. Picked him up and put him in it stripping his bed as I left him there alone for a minute. I noticed there wasn’t any blood on me which meant he was no longer actively bleeding which was good. It meant he would ok. That Da hadn’t really done any serious damage just roughed him up a little bit because he was so tiny.

I went to the nursery and quietly grabbed a panty liner for him and then back to my room to grab him one of my shirts that was way too big for his 45-pound frame. I took it all back to the bathroom to find him standing up his hand between his legs scratching at himself.

“JAY!” I said, “what are you doing bud? You’re going to hurt yourself.”

“It’s so sticky! I want it…” he managed before he started sobbing me going over and hugging him.

“Ok, ok. I’m sorry bud, I know it feels gross and I’m sorry. But scratching and rubbing at it isn’t going to help it not feel sticky ok? You want me to help fix it? Like I did last time? I can do that but what you’re doing it only going to make it hurt more. So, don’t do that ok? You remember how I helped you clean yourself last time? You want me to do that?” I asked him.

“I don’t want it,” he said, “Why does he want to do that? Why is it so…sticky?” he asked me.

“Well, we talked about how babies are made. How older boys and men have stuff come out sometimes. When they do that and that’s what makes the babies? That’s…that’s what…that’s what makes it sticky,” I barely managed, “I’m sorry.”

“I…I tttried to be good,” he told me, “I tried. And he…he said it would stop hurting and it didn’t. It just kept hurting…it just…”

“I know,” I said hugging him tightly as I leaned over the side of the tub, “I know. I tried. I’m sorry I couldn’t stop him. I tried. I swear I tried. I’m so sorry bud. I tried. We’ll clean it up ok? It won’t be sticky anymore I promise. I promise.”

I could feel my whole body shaking with the tears I wanted to cry but I had to be strong. I had to be strong for him because he was little and scared and in pain. Because if I couldn’t be strong how did he know he would ok? How could he believe he would ever be ok if I wasn’t?

I helped him clean up. Almost on autopilot I think because I was tired. Because I felt guilty and hurt. Because he was little and he needed me. Me putting him in my bed before curling up. Curling myself around him almost like a mother cat protecting her young. Closing my eyes as he closed his pulling my one arm around his shoulder.

“I love you, Willy. It’s not your fault,” he said the words making my chest feel tight even though I nodded my head.

“I love you too, bud,” I managed before everything fell quiet.

It was probably around 9 pm so it was time to fall asleep and I was exhausted. I must have fallen into a deep sleep because I didn’t wake up until I shifted my weight and noticed that he wasn’t with me anymore. Me sitting up and wondering if Da would…feeling sick to my stomach before I looked at the door way his little head poking out into the hall.

“Are you ok?” I heard him ask someone as he let go of my door frame moving towards the person. Me hearing a low rumble, a horse rumble figuring it was John.

He wouldn’t have gone towards any adult like that. Not in this house. He knew better. He was just as terrified of them as the rest of us were. If it wasn’t John he wouldn’t have moved like that. Wouldn’t have gone towards whoever it was.

Jay replied to the rumble before I heard John answer back movement, slow movement in the hall like someone standing up. Someone in pain John muttering something else at him.

“In his room, he said he was tired so he’s been sleeping all day,” Jay said, “We asked him where you were but he just said you were busy and that you would tell us later. Where were you?”

Oh. He didn’t need to know that. Not after what Da had done to him. Jay was already under too much stress. There wasn’t any point in making it worse.

“Busy,” John answered as his hand landed on the door frame of my room, “I’m going to talk to Will alone for a couple of minutes ok?”

“Ok, but why just busy? What were you doing?” James asked him quietly, curiously.

John sighed heavily his shoulders sagging with his exhaustion, “Bud, it doesn’t matter ok? I’m going to talk to Will for a bit.” He gave Jay a said smile before knocking on my open bedroom door causing me to roll over and look at him.

He looked beat to shit, “Holy shit!” I said sitting up, “Are you ok?”

His face almost looked as bad as mine. The right side of my face still black and blue because of its very close encounter with our dining room floor a couple nights before. John had a split lip. I swear I could see the bruises around his neck even in the darkness. He looked horrible.

He sat down at the foot of my bed looking at me nodding his head slowly before he answered in a horse whisper, “You?”

It sounded like they had choked him maybe. His voice sounding irritated. That wasn’t good. This was turning out to be awesome. It seemed like they had just kept torturing him after Cole and I had been let go.

I sighed heavily wondering if it was worth it to tell him anything. Worth it to go over how scared and tired I was. How my ass hurt and my whole body. How I was worried about Da and what he was doing to everyone. How he had raped James after spending a good deal of the morning raping John and me. How Da had told him he was Lionel’s. How Lionel and Da were going to make me do videos soon.

I decided he had enough to worry about. I decided it wasn’t worth it to tell him any of that. How it would just mean me telling him I had a contract. That things were bad. That it was my fault they had looked for us as hard as they did. How us being back was my fault. 

I cleared my throat, “Yeah, sore but yeah, I’m fine,” I told him, “What happened after they let us go? You and Pat didn’t come up so I figured something crappy happened.”

“It doesn’t matter,” John said in barely a whisper.

It didn’t matter. That’s what I kept telling myself but here I was, I had a knee sized bandage on my forearm that I was hiding with a long-sleeved PJ shirt. I had just had to clean up our six-year-old brother who had been bleeding lightly from being raped by our Da. It mattered. Even if we didn’t want it to, it mattered and it sucked.

“Well,” I answered, “You look super tired and I left there at 10 am the morning. It’s now nearly 11 pm so whatever it was they kept you busy. What happened?” I asked again.

“Hank dislocated my shoulder,” he answered, “I ended up passing out. Woke up to Da spooning with me. Huh, let’s see, what else? Couldn’t get it up. The only reason why he stopped. You need me to keep going or can I skip recalling every bit of foggy horror-inducing anxiety riddled memory now?” he said.

He didn’t even sound upset as he said it. More worn out. Like I said his voice horse, creaking as he spoke. Reminding me that whatever I had endured he had been through more. Been through worse.

“Yeah,” I said looking at him, “Yeah. Sorry.”

“Thank you,” he said, “So, how are you?”

I was a hell of a lot better than James who had probably crawled into his own bed alone waiting for John to finish talking to me. Who was probably waiting for me just so he could close his eyes and feel safe.

“Not too bad. Tired, like I said. Is it true what Cole told me? That some guys have sex to get the feeling of the handlers off them?” I asked my brain flashing back to sitting in the hot tub with him. His lips inches from mine before he cleared his throat. How I could feel the need to do that. To feel him, to feel him everywhere just so I knew it wasn’t one of them anymore. Just so I knew it wasn’t Da or any of them.

John looked up at me trying to clear his throat again and frowning, “What do you mean?”

“That some guys just have a lot of sex so they don’t have to feel what the handlers do to them anymore,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“Some guys yeah,” John told me, “I don’t personally. Right now, I think if anyone touched me I would scream.”

“Does Cole do it often?” I asked him.

He had wanted to. I had felt it. He had wanted it as bad as I had. Him muttering an excuse about Tosh. How he was with Tosh his cheeks flushing as he looked at me. As I looked at his lips wishing he would just do it. Just kiss me and run his hands over my skin so I could do the same. The memory so intense I had to close my eyes and try to relax. Try to think of something else.

“Huh, you’d have to ask Cole that because I’m not really sure. I know after Justin he’s kind of gone off the wall a little bit but from what I understood he was starting to get a little better from Pat’s emails. Talking about how he was with this guy and all of that but, Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know. Why?” he told me his frown deepening as he looked at me closely.

“Does it work?” I dared to ask.

John shook his head putting his hands up, “You’re 11 Will. You’re not doing that. I won’t let you.”

I sighed. I couldn’t anyway! Not really. That didn’t mean he got to take away my right to think about it. It was so much more than me being 11. How could not understand that? That I didn’t…I wasn’t…mine.

“You’re 13. What’s your point?” I asked trying to contain myself. Trying to keep myself from blurting it out right then and there. That I was the leaders. That I could only fuck who he told me I had the right to fuck. That I was no better than some slut on the street with a pimp walking behind her watching her work her corner.

“At least get to the teen part of that first before you start fucking everything that moves, please?” he asked him his face softening, “You know how much trouble you’ll be in if you get caught.

More than he would ever realize. I thought bitterly as I looked at him, “A lot. I don’t really care at this point though. I’m going to be honest. It must feel better then what they do. If it gets them out from under my skin I’m good with that.” If only I was allowed to.  
He shifted his weight putting his head in his hands for a second before he mumbled into them, “Oh god. I can’t believe I’m doing this,” he said sighing as he got up turning on my bedside lamp before he sat back down, “Ok, the first time Pat ever…”

I sat up. Was he going to talk about all of that? The stuff Pat and he had done? Was he saying they had had real sex? Even though he had told me a while ago they hadn’t? Was he going to admit he had lied to me? His face starting to turn red as he looked at his hands my mouth falling open in shock.

“Wait you and Pat have…?” I started to ask him cutting me off.

“Not like sex sex but, we’ve gotten friendly,” he admitted, “The first I ever let him…well…touch me like that was after a shower with Da. He felt warm, not cold. He felt, didn’t make me hate myself or feel guilty about it at all. Not like I normally do. It was nice, it was slow and calm and, like I said, warm. Like all the bad things they had ever forced me to do just washed away. Like he took it from my skin with his hands and made it like they never did anything bad to me,” he said this far off look on his face like he was thinking about it, thinking about the Way Pat felt against his skin, the way Pat’s skin felt in his hands, “After that though even knowing that’s what it’s going to feel like, I get nervous.”

He told me looking at me, “I get scared because they’ve…da and his friends, they’ve hurt me so many times I instantly clam up. I can’t…just…just thinking about his mouth going…” John shook his head, “I can’t.”

Oh. Oh. OH. I knew that was something Da liked. He liked it a lot. After doing it so many times with Beau I understood why. It tasted good. It made you feel powerful, to have the most intimate and delicate part of another person in your mouth. Knowing that with one even light bite you could cause them so much pain but one flick of your tongue over the right spot caused them undeniable searing pleasure. It was powerful. It was a powerful feeling and the sounds they made sometimes even without realizing it…it was…it was something else.

At the same time though when someone was doing that you and you didn’t want it. It was scary. It was scary that they had the ability to make you feel those things whether you wanted to or not. That they could make you do that without your consent. That hurt and that was scary. That was terrifying and I understood that all too well.

“Like you can’t get it up?” I dared to ask, “Or you can’t, as in the thought of him doing that stuff just makes you panic?”

“Panic,” he answered simply.

“I don’t think that’s weird. You make it sound nice but maybe you’re afraid it will remind you too much of other things and then you won’t want to so, you just skip it all together? You think I shouldn’t because of my age? Because you know that makes no sense what so ever considering…it’s not anything I haven’t done before.” I pointed out.

He shook his head, “You’re my little brother. You’re not supposed to have done that yet. I was supposed to keep that from happening to you and I couldn’t.”

“What? Beau?” I asked him.

“You know what I mean but it’s not like I stopped him either. He hurt you even if you don’t want to admit that, he hurt you,” John said looking at me, “And I let him…”

“You didn’t let him do anything. It was my choice because otherwise…I’m glad I did it. Even if it was wrong I’m glad I let him…because now I know. I know it’s different. I know it’s real. That it makes them not…at least I hope it does. I don’t want it to always remind me of them.” I confessed.

“It was still a wrong choice,” he told him turning his body so he was facing me and grabbing my hands in his, “I still should have done something to let him know that wasn’t ok. Even if I wasn’t going to call the cops on him. I should have beaten the snot out of him. He had no right to do that to you. Even if he didn’t…”

“He did know,” I told John, my face flushing as I watched his expression of shock, “I told him. I told him because I wanted him to know if I couldn’t handle it that it wasn’t because of him. That it wasn’t because he did something wrong but because I…my body…because it reminded me of …of them.”

“You didn’t tell me you told him,” John said, “Did you tell him everything?”

“About all of it you mean? About what Da did to you and everyone else? No, I didn’t tell him any of that. I didn’t say that it didn’t happen to you but I didn’t tell him that it did,” I said.

“Ok,” John said quietly nodding his head, “I still didn’t stop Da from doing it though. All those years ago when we were…”

“Didn’t we work on that with Julie?” I asked him, “It’s not your job to protect us. That’s Da’s job that he has chosen to ignore. You’re not supposed to protect me or anyone else but yourself.”

That was true. That was something that we had talked to death with Julie. His need, his obsessive desire to protect us, all of us. His need to parent us, to be our hero. How it had nearly killed him. How it had driven him to drink because that was the only way he could face himself. Could live with himself. That he had been drinking so heavily because he thought when he told Da yes so, Da wouldn’t hurt anyone else he was consenting. That it was becoming consensual because that’s how Da probably saw it. That it had turned into sex when that wasn’t it at all.

Julie called that coercion explaining that it was another form of sexual assault or rape. That by threatening us Da was forcing John to say yes because he knew that John didn’t want us hurt more than anything. More than John wanted to protect himself and so he used that.

He used that to get John to say yes because he knew if John had to choose between being raped himself or Da raping me or someone else John would always say “whatever you want Da.” And he used that. He used that to get John to say yes that made it rape. Even if John said yes that still made it rape.

“That’s easy to say and it’s logical, yeah but that doesn’t feel like the truth Will. What am I supposed to do? Ignore that, that it’s what feels right? That me trying to keep you safe, is what feels right?” he asked me.

“If that means that no one can even grab your hand because your skin is crawling than yes. Because you need to be able to touch people. You have 9 kids besides me that depend on you right now. That need your love, your cuddles. You can’t be freaking out every time someone goes to hug you. Don’t think I didn’t notice your broken record and your shivering when we were stuck down there. Don’t think I didn’t notice you wouldn’t take Pat’s hand. If you ever let anyone touch you it’s him and it will always be him. You know that. If no one else could touch you again but one person it would be him. Don’t think I don’t know that, don’t think I don’t see that. I’m your brother John. I might be your baby brother but only by 2 years. You even say I act more mature then you sometimes.” I pointed out.

He sighed looking at me, “Is it that obvious that I love him?” he asked me.

“He makes it obvious, Pat. Not the way he touches you always but the way he acts like it’s his sworn duty to try and protect you. Not as many people would suspect if he wasn’t so protective of you. But, in his defense, you are kind of broken,” I added.

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head as he looked at his lap his tongue going to his molar, “I have to call him.”

The way he said it with that far off look in his eye made me worry. Made me wonder what had happened that he would be worried about Pat. Worried enough to call him this late at night. To want to call him this late at night. Something had happened that he didn’t want to talk about, something bad.

“They did something really bad, didn’t they?” I asked him.

“I’d rather keep that to myself if you don’t mind,” John answered without looking at me, shrugging his shoulders.

“Julie said talking about it helps,” I reminded him.

“It doesn’t help me like it does you,” he said looking at me, “It just makes me anxious ok, Will? I don’t like talking about it because then I feel it and I don’t want to feel it. Ok?”

“Was what they did earlier when they let Cole and I leave to punish him?” I asked.

Cole had told me that they hurt people to punish you. To show you that you weren’t the one who really suffered when you did something they didn’t like. That it was anyone they wanted. That it could be you or your sibling or even some poor kid you didn’t know. That it was their choice who paid for your mistake. That you didn’t even have control or a guarantee that it would be you.

He blinked hard, trying to hide the fact that he was thinking about it. About what had happened. Whatever they had done his chest starting to heave slightly as he looked at nothing his eyes wide like he was seeing it as tears started to find their way down his cheeks. Him shaking his head slightly from side to side as if to shake the memory away as I watched him.

I wasn’t sure what to do but I knew he wasn’t going to talk about it anymore. Not without some coaxing. I thought about telling him about James but I knew that would just break his heart. That he already was struggling so hard that he couldn’t deal with that as well. Instead of deciding to admit to him something I was sure of. Something that I knew Da did to both of us.

“Da’s done that to me you know? Hurt you to punish me?” I told him wrapping my arms around myself as I sat up looking at my legs stretched out behind his back, “When we got home he was mad. They were all mad. Uncle Ben went to grab Mike and I told him no. Da said that it might not be me who got punished for me disobeying. I didn’t completely believe him until…he grabbed you like that. I felt so guilty that it was going to be all my fault. I couldn’t believe that he would actually do it until he almost did.” I told him.

John sighed heavily putting his hand on my shoulder, “I felt that. The way you looked at us, at him when he…” he started sniffling closing his eyes. Like he felt guilty for it. For what Da had made us watch. Him making a weird sound in the back of his throat. Probably only sounding weird because his voice was so horse.

“John, you’re ok. Don’t cry. Please don’t cry, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for me to do that to you ok? I’m sorry,” I told him.

He hugged himself. He was rocking. Rocking back and forth as he kept making that sound in the back of his throat looking at nothing. Whimpering almost like a kicked dog. 

“John, I’m sorry. Please, god, I’m so sorry,” I managed sitting up.

I wanted to hold him to tell him it was ok that he was ok. That we were in my room and that Da wasn’t there or Uncle Ben. That none of them were there and that they weren’t going to hurt him. 

I wanted to hug him and tell him that we loved him. That I was there for him no matter what. But, I knew I couldn’t. I knew that if he wasn’t in his right mind that was the last thing he would want. That touching him would only give him more anxiety, making him more upset and that was the last thing I wanted to do to him. It was the last thing he needed.

I started crying not sure what I could do. How I could bring him back. How I could make him stop. I …

“No, I’m sorry. I…I don’t like thinking about it,” he said shaking his head as he started to slow down, “He does that to me you know? He tries but I don’t let him. He threatens to go get someone else all the time and I just don’t let him. I swallow my pride and I…”

Just like I had been thinking earlier. With James. How I had offered Da what he wanted. What I knew he wanted. Told him he could have me and do whatever he wanted if he left James alone and it hadn’t been enough me sighing. Thinking about it.

“Wait are you saying you…?” I trailed off John looking at his knees that his arms were still wrapped around and shrugging his shoulders.

“I’m sorry you have to make that choice. You shouldn’t have to do that,” I told him.

He shrugged his shoulders again just looking at his knees before he sighed clearing his throat and speaking, “I should go call Pat.”

Yeah, considering everything and if what had happened was truly that horrible he should. He should really call Pat and make sure he was ok. Make sure that he was somehow still functioning. I threw back my covers standing up and stretching my body protesting the movement as I turned to look at him.

“Go call him. And then you should probably take a shower,” I said yawning as I moved away him standing up and nodding his head at me before he walked away down the hall towards the kitchen. Towards the phone.

I sighed going to check on Jay opening his bedroom door to find him not there my heart jumping into my throat. I wanted to scream. He hadn’t. They hadn’t. I didn’t remember the lift kicking on. I would have…unless…

“Jay?” I asked the empty room wanting to scream, wanting to shout his name as loudly as I could but afraid of it waking everyone up. Afraid of letting everyone know he was missing because that meant that Da had him and then everyone would know things were getting worse. That John and I didn’t have it under control. That things were getting really bad.

I heard something move. Something inside the closet making me sigh in relief as I opened to door to find him there. Curled up in a pile of blankets and stuffed animals Hugh and he nestled in the center as he rubbed his eyes sleepily.

“John said he wanted to talk to you alone. You talked for a long time,” he told me.

“I’m sorry Bud,” I said sitting down with him, “can you tell me why you’re in the closet?”

“I don’t…,” he sighed, “That bed’s bad. I don’t like it anymore.”

“I just have to put sheets on it. The bed’s ok,” I told him.

“No,” he shook his head, “Hugh says that bed is scary. He made me bleed there and it’s scary. We don’t like that bed anymore.”

I nodded my head, “Ok,” I said, “Can I tell you a secret?”

He nodded his head sitting up and hugging Hugh as I wrapped my arms around him.

“Da made me bleed in my bed too. I know it’s scary but it’s not the beds fault. This has been a good bed for you and it loves you. If a bed can love. It was meant to be used. I know it’s going to take time for you trust it again and that’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with you not feeling safe. But, eventually you will have to sleep in your bed again. But we’ll try and see how things ok? You can share a bed with me some nights and we’ll make you a bed time fort in here for a while. But you have to sleep in your bed eventually ok bud?”

“Ok,” he said, “I’m tired. Will you stay here with me Willy?” he asked me.

“Huh, yeah bud,” I told him, “Let’s go to sleep.”

“Ok, goodnight Willy,” he told me kissing my cheek.

“Goodnight bud, I love you,” I told him cuddling him.

“I love you too,” he told me before settling back in against my body.

I was just starting to fall asleep when I heard a sound out in the hallway. I knew it was something bad and that Jay couldn’t deal with it and I was tired. I was so tired me picking him up as I heard his voice shouting through the walls waking up the whole house as he went to my room, me picking James up carefully and going into his bathroom, locking the door and then leaning up against it as James started to stir from his sleep.

“WILL! WILL GETS YOUR SWEET LITTLE ASS OUT HERE! WHERE ARE YOU?” I heard him scream.

No, he wouldn’t. He couldn’t he wasn’t allowed to. I leaned all of my weight against the bathroom door shaking my head Jay’s eyes opened wide.

“W…Willy? Wh…why is he yelling?” he asked me.

“I don’t know,” I told him, “We need to be very…”

BANG!!! There was a very loud bang vibrating the door behind my back.

“Come on baby, I know you’re in there. Come out. Come on. I’m having trouble sleeping come on.”

I bit into my arm to keep myself from whimpering loudly. I didn’t want to. I didn’t.

“Willy?” Jay mouthed at me.

“Come on baby, come out here. Unless you want me to go get someone else. You want that? You want me to go get Mike? He can be a sweetie. He’s also free for the taking. I could pound that little boy pussy for as long as I wanted and no one would say a damn thing. You want to sit in there and live with that? Knowing it was him instead of you, that it was…OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!” he screamed banging on it again James sobbing as he moved to the wall that was farthest away from the door.

I just wanted him to go away. I didn’t want to deal with this. It made me wonder if every night was going to be like this from now on. Me either having to stay awake and make sure everyone else was safe or all of us having to hide so that they didn’t hurt us, rape us.

I had thought life, living here before had been hell with mum. With mum there to cuddle us and tell us we were brave. That things would be ok but this, this was really hell. Everything about it. My body felt like it hadn’t stopped hurting since we had come back. My ass and legs always felt sore. Different parts of my chest and legs and arms were always bruised from being pulled at and sucked on. All my muscles felt like they had always been one big knot of throbbing pain. Like they had never been anything else. Beau was just a dream. It had only been days and yet Beau, that life, everything about it seemed like it was only a dream.

This hell was all we had. All we would ever have. All that there ever was and ever would be. Me hearing muffled voices on the other side of the door before there was a high-pitched voice a sound of protest. Mike. Mike was out there. For whatever reason Mike was out there. Me hearing someone sigh before there was a loud sound and then footsteps, receding footsteps.

There was a small knock on the door before I heard his voice again, his high-pitched voice. Some of my panic subsiding for a second.

“He’s gone. It’s ok guys,” Mike said me pulling the door open and pulling him into the bathroom. Into the bathroom where I knew he was safe. Where he wasn’t out in the open. Where Uncle Ben couldn’t…couldn’t touch him.

“Ouch!” Mike said sleepily rubbing his eyes, “I didn’t take him, god.”

“Sorry,” I muttered, “Are you ok?”

“Yeah fine, why?” he asked me, “He was looking for you, not me.”

“Did you hear anything he said?” I asked him.

He shook his head frowning at me, “I went to go get John. He was screaming for you. I didn’t know what else to do,” Mike told me.

“Ok,” I told him, “Are you sure you’re ok?”

“If I wasn’t I wouldn’t be sitting in here with you. I was with Cat,” Mike answered me.

My blood went cold. He had hurt her. Had at the very least molested her if not something worse Mike must have read my mind for once in his life because he shook his head.

“It wasn’t…I asked her. She said it was just his mouth and his…fingers,” Mike told me, “She’s upset though. Naturally. I mean I always am too so…,” he shrugged his shoulders.

“That’s what he did to me,” Jay said quietly from where he was still sitting against the wall, “Used his…his mouth before he…”

“It’s ok Bud,” I said Mike walking over to him and sitting next to Jay, wrapping his arms around Jay’s shoulders and pulling Jay into his lap.

“He hurt you worse?” Mike asked Jay.

“He put it in me,” Jay said before he started crying, “It hurtsobad Ididn’tlikeit I didn’t…I …”

“Ok bud,” I said crawling over to them and grabbing his hand, “It’s ok bud. You did so good. You’re so brave. Both of you. You’re so brave.”

“Are you ok Willy?” Mike asked me.

“Yeah, I’m all right, why?” I asked.

“You have a band-aid on your arm,” he said touching the fabric of my shirt where it was bunched around the patch, “Did Da hurt you?”

“Don’t worry about that. It’s not anything ok? Where is John?”

“He went with Uncle Ben,” Mike said quietly not looking at me, “Why won’t they leave him alone? What did he do?” Mike asked me.

“He didn’t do anything,” I told him, “Mum’s gone and…you know. It’s scary. There’s not one to stop them. To tell them they can’t so I think they’re just…doing what they want.”

“I don’t like it,” Mike told me, “I want them to stop. Cat and James don’t need to…they don’t need to do it to them too.”

“I know,” I agreed, “And we’ll try to keep them safe from now on. This can’t happen again. Not like this ok? When the babies go to bed at 7 Jay and Cat are going to brush their teeth. You and Matty are going to make sure they are in their rooms by 7:30. I want either Cat sleeping with you or Matty in your rooms because you have bunk beds. I don’t want them sleeping in their own rooms ok? If Da says…you come and get me or John. If you can’t find us then…”

“I understand,” Mike said quietly, “I’ll talk to Matty, see if he’ll be nice. He doesn’t think about it as much anymore. Not with anyone else.”

“Think about what?” Jay asked Mike from his arms.

“Nothing bud,” Mike said smiling at him, “Nothing for you to worry about ok?”

“Right, talk to him. If he’s…” Mike shook his head cutting me off.

“We have bigger problems to worry about. Let me worry about Matty ok? If he’s happy and he’s not bored he won’t hurt anyone else,” Mike told me.

I hated that. Hated that he felt he had to do that. That he had to have sex with Matt to keep him from hurting anyone else. Had to let Matt rape him and probably do horrible things to him in order to keep Matt from touching someone else. It couldn’t make him feel too awesome about himself. I understood how that made you feel. I did it with Uncle Ben all the time. Giving in and just letting him do it to me so he would leave everyone else alone. I had tried with Da and sometimes it worked. This time it hadn’t.

“Don’t worry about me,” Mike said, “I’m fine. I’m going to go to bed, with Cat. She needs someone.”

I nodded my head, “Ok, I love you. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“I love you too,” Mike told me, “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight. Come on Jay, let’s go back to sleep,” I told him.

We left the bathroom cuddling back up into his closet. It felt safer somehow. It was quiet. Just the two of us. We stayed there for a long time. Me tossing and turning long after he had fallen into sleep. Dreams. Dreams where I hoped he was far away from Da and the pain he had caused him. How his stomach and guts probably felt so screwed up because of him, because of what he had made Jay do. 

I don’t think I fell asleep until I heard the lift kick on again. It was probably around 7 am me very carefully untangling myself from Jay and getting up to find Alice walking into the kitchen her seeing me out of the corner of her eye.

“Sugar what are you up to?” she asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders. For some reason, I felt cold. So cold even though there wasn’t any real reason for it. Me slowly walking out of Jay's room her frowning as she realized it wasn’t my room I was walking out of.

“Is that Jay’s room?” she asked me.

“It was a bad night,” I told her, “It…”

“Oh sug,” she said walking over to me hugging me, “It’s ok. You’re ok.”

I wasn’t ok. They couldn’t leave us alone. John and I weren’t even enough. Da had to hurt Cat and Jay too. How did I know that it wasn’t going to be that way every night? That I wasn’t going to have to listen to them scream every night. She held me and let me cry until it slowed down her kissing the top of my head after a minute before she sighed, “You go rest. You look like you haven’t gotten even a wink of sleep.”

“I’m ok. And you need someone to…”

“I don’t need any such thing sugar. You go sleep. You’re no good to me more exhausted than a dead dog,” she told me, “So go get some sleep.”

I nodded my head. I was still tired. Really tired. Me turning to look at her before she completely walked away, “Alice?”

“Yes?” she stopped turning to look at me.

“Can you call Dr. Palmer? I think James needs to…that someone needs to look in on him. Da doesn’t…” I felt myself blushing in embarrassment for him. Knowing he wouldn’t want Alice to know that. To know that Da had raped him the night before, “He’s not…huh…”

“I’ve got you,” she said nodding her head, “I’ll give him a call. You go rest.”

“Thanks,” I said quietly walking away to my room and crawling into bed.

Next time I woke up it was hours later. I could hear giggling coming from the living room me going to check and see what was happening. Me going out into the living room my blood freezing in my veins as I saw Uncle Ben sitting on the couch his hands-on Matt’s hips as he sat behind Matt. Matt was standing a controller in his hand.

Mike sitting on the other end of the sofa watching cautiously as everyone else was behind the couch playing kitchen with their play set. Catty even sitting down among them acting like nothing was wrong Pat standing behind the sofa his eyes wide shaking his head as he watched Uncle Ben carefully, cautiously James and John frozen a little way in front of me. John’s hands gently placed on Jay’s shoulders as he shivered slightly looking at Uncle Ben who was looking at him.

I cleared my throat folding my arms in front of my chest, “Why was I not invited to the party?” I asked.

“No party,” John mumbled his eyes not leaving Uncle Ben as I came around.

He could have skinned a cat with the look he was giving Uncle Ben. He was not happy to see him and certainly not happy with the way his hands were on Matt. Matt didn’t seem to mind but that didn’t mean it was ok. Matt was a kid. A sick kid that was confused. There was no way in hell it was ok for anyone to be touching him like that.

“Really?” Uncle Ben asked cocking an eyebrow at John, “Looks like one to me. Does your Da know he’s here?” he asked cocking his head at Pat as Pat sat down between Uncle Ben and Mike.

“I don’t know. I just kind of came over,” Pat said shrugging his shoulders looking at Uncle Ben like it was no big deal. Like it didn’t matter that he was there at all. Like he was the one in control even though his eyes shot John a nervous glance.

“What about you Johnny? You know if your Da knows that he’s here or not?” Uncle Ben asked letting go of Matty’s hips and standing up James burying his face in John’s waist as I took a step back and heard a small sound from behind the couch glancing over Cat grabbing Mac who had managed to climb out of the pack and play and was moving around on his own trying to walk over to John or Pat.

Well shit. Shit shit shit. He had almost hurt Andy once. I wasn’t about to give him the chance to do it again. Not ever. Me moving slowly, carefully towards them. Not moving too fast until I got over grabbing Mac and putting him back in the pack and play next to Mary and Shay.

“I’m not really sure?” John muttered quietly looking at Uncle Ben, answering his question.

“You want him to find out? I’m not sure he’d be too happy after Sunday and what happened. Him coming when he wasn’t supposed to,” Uncle Ben said smiling.

John sighed heavily his whole body tensing as he lost his neck for a second folding his arms in front of his chest as he closed his eyes. He was scared. We were all scared. Pat standing up standing between John and Uncle Ben. Standing between John getting hurt yet again and someone who wanted to hurt him.

This was bad. This wasn’t a good idea. This was how John had ended up hurt so badly to begin with. Me shaking my head slightly shooting John a worried look who slowly shook his head at me signaling with his hands that I should stay where I was. That I shouldn’t say or do anything. Me not understanding why when him, Pat or both of them were about to their asses handed to them in front of our little siblings who didn’t need to see that. To feel this conflict.

“You can deal with me if you like,” Pat said squaring his shoulders as best he could trying to make himself look taller, stronger and braver than he probably felt.

“What if I want to deal with him?” Uncle Ben asked Pat his smile growing.

He was amused. He was amused that we feared him. That we didn’t like him or trust him. That we wanted him gone and out of the way. That we didn’t want him anywhere near us or them.

I went from scared to pissed. He couldn’t touch me and he wouldn’t touch them. Not again. Not if I had any say in it. He wasn’t allowed to touch them. Not like he had been touching Matty. He wasn’t allowed to make them scared.

“He’s taking a break,” I told uncle Ben squaring my shoulders too, “You really want to play this game? There are how many of us and one of you? Really?”

“You think I can’t take on two 13-year old’s an 11-year-old, 2 nine-year old’s and an almost seven-year-old, really? I bench 250 pounds kids. I’m sure your combined weight is that much, if that,” he told me turning to look at me.

“Correction, one 14-year-old,” Pat said winking at me, “And you think I won’t fight for him? For any of them? You are sorely mistaken.”

“Why because you’re in love with him? Have you actually gotten into his pants yet? Not that that’s allowed but, just curious,” Uncle Ben said smiling.

I saw Pat’s courage falter. Saw worry pass his face. We all knew what that meant. If anyone even told Lionel they suspected John and Pat were together one of them was going to die. They both knew it. Cole and I knew it. Plenty of us knew it. And no one wanted to see it happen.

“Is that a yes or a no?” Uncle Ben asked watching Pat’s face.

“We’re just friends! Bloody hell!” John barked shaking his head.

“Why is he so fucking protective of you then? If he’s not…,” Uncle Ben’s eyes drifted downward as if he could see John’s body through Pat’s, “Well…”

John made a snorting sound like he was disgusted with Uncle Ben, more angry than scared shaking his head.

“Because he’s my best friend. He’s like my brother and I will do anything to protect him from you and anyone else who wants to touch him when he’s not cool with it, got it?” Pat spat at Uncle Ben.

Yeah like that was believable. I wanted to believe it but I mean honestly? I had seen the way they looked at each other. I had seen them cry over each other and kiss. That wasn’t just best friends. That was love. They loved each other and were just too smart to say it, to admit it even if everyone else could see it.

“What is he talking about?” Mike asked quietly pulling my attention to him. He was still sitting on the sofa, him between Uncle Ben and Pat who were staring each other down. I took a couple steps forward gesturing at him with my hands to climb over the sofa, to come to me, where he was out of the way. Where he would be safe.

“Who?” I asked him trying to be discreet about my directions.

“Uncle Ben. If he’s not what?”

“Well,” Uncle Ben said smiling, “Johnny here is special. Very special he has really great…”

I was pretty sure I didn’t want to hear whatever he was about to say me interrupting him quickly, “MATH SKILLS. Whatever it is you are going to say I’m very sure they don’t need to hear so don’t even all right?” I pleaded with him.

“Fine Mama, whatever,” he said laughing at me, “Like they don’t know what it is. Look who they are,” he said lunging at Mike and grabbing his arm pulling him up from the sofa Mike’s eyes going wide as he shook his head, “Look at their life. I’ve been inside every one of them including that little piece right back there,” he said pointing his finger at James who had his face buried in John’s side.

Now that I didn’t know. I hadn’t known that. Even in family therapy, James hadn’t told us that. That hurt. Hearing that from Uncle Ben hurt. He was a kid. He didn’t… he nearly threw Mike on the ground he yanked his arm so fast Mike making a sound like he was in pain as he caught himself using his hands by Uncle Ben’s feet.

“Stop,” John said shaking his head as I moved around the couch as fast as I could grabbing Mike and pulling him behind me pulling him back towards where the babies and Cat were at. Back as close to safety as I dared.

“Are you ok?” I asked him.

“Why does everyone keep grabbing my arm? It hurts,” he muttered at me.

Yeah, he was ok. Annoyed but ok. His nonchalant attitude about the whole thing making me smile slightly, giving me a little relief.

“You going to give me what I want?” Uncle Ben asked John drawing my attention back to them, “Or should I grab the kid attached to your hip Johnny? Your choice,” he said looking at him, licking his lips and smiling, “I mean he’s not quite there yet but maybe he’ll taste as good as you once he hits that point. How old were you the first time you came? 10? 11? What were you doing exactly masturbating? Or were you at home on vacation? Was it Daddy? Did he make you cum for the first time?”

I felt mortified hearing Uncle Ben ask John that. Remind me of it. Of how it happened. How my first time had been with Da. Him having sex with me. Raping me. How he had laughed about it. How he had…

Mike got up walking over to John looking at him closely, “He’s talking about the white stuff, right?” Mike asked him.

“Hey!” I said looking at him wondering when he had left my side even though I had just watched him do it, “shut up.”

John shook his head blinking at Mike. His pallor going pale, almost gray. Something wasn’t right. Me shooting Pat and worried glance causing him to turn around.

“John, you’re ok. Come on just breathe, you’re ok,” he said loudly his hands reaching out to grab John before he fell nearly on top of James who was still clinging to his waist Uncle Ben breaking out into hysterical laughter as he watched.

“I can take him Pat,” Uncle Ben said moving to step forward.

“You’re not fucking touching him or anyone else!” Pat hissed, “Go! Go on! Get the fuck out of here!”

“Who’s going to stop me? You think you can?” Uncle Ben scoffed.

“Will you please just leave!?” I asked him, “You’re scaring them, the kids and then…please?”

“You scared baby? You don’t have to be scared. I can make it feel nice, you know I can. Come on, why don’t we go to your room and talk about it?” Uncle Ben asked me grabbing the front of his pants and adjusting himself.

“DON’T YOU FUCKING TALK TO HIM!” Pat screeched lowering John to the ground gently and letting go of him grabbing Jay and picking him up, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE NOW!”

“You’re looking to be locked up aren’t you Paddy?” Uncle Ben asked, “Like you have any right to tell me what to do.”

“No, he doesn’t but I know someone who does,” I said surprising myself, “You should leave before I tell Da to call him. See what they both have to say about it. You want to see what happens when he hears what you just said to me? What you just…?”

“You have no proof and what about Johnny and his little boyfriend here?” Uncle Ben asked us looking at me.

“You have no proof. I’ve never seen them kiss or anything like that. They’re just friends. If you can’t believe them believe me,” I lied, “Who do you think he would listen to? Should we find out?”

“Don’t act like you aren’t on his shit list because I can promise that you are,” Uncle Ben told me.

“Shit list or not you’re the one who was supposed to be home that night and you weren’t. You’re the one who let us leave. Who let her take us. So, don’t pretend you’re not on it as well,” I said making stuff up as I went.

I was surprised when his face fell, him shaking his head at me like he was pissed. So, I had stumbled onto something there. He was in as much trouble for it as the rest of us were. Everyone but Da who had been away in New York taking care of other things. I mean no one else was in trouble for me having sex with Beau that was on me alone but the rest of it…us escaping, mum taking us and hiding us away. We were all in trouble for that.

“Fine,” Uncle Ben said sighing, “When you’re healed though…”

“When I’m healed I’m his first and whoever he wants to give me to second. And you know that just like I do. So just go,” I said feeling tired of the whole thing hoping he would just fucking walk away and leave us alone Pat shooting me a small, proud smile. The lift opening at the moment making all us jump as Alice appeared kicking a laundry basket that Pat went over and grabbed it as she carried the other one her staring curiously at Uncle Ben.

“Can I help you Benjamin?” she asked him.

“No, I was just spending time with my nephews,” Uncle Ben said shrugging his shoulders, “I’ll see you boys later.”

“What about your nieces?” Alice pointed out.

“Yeah them too,” Uncle Ben said walking past her and Pat to the lift, “I’ll see everyone later.” He repeated pushing the button causing the lift doors to close.

Holy shit. Pat smiled at me as Alice went into one of the bedrooms Pat dropping the basket in the hallway and walking over high fiving me, “Where did that come from?” he asked me impressed.

“I…,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “It…I’m tired.”

“That wasn’t tired that was balls. You just grew some big ass balls,” Pat said smiling at me, “Can you help me with him?”

I looked at John where he was flat on his back on the floor Jay sitting next to him Pat and me going over to look at him as he blinked up at us looking confused. Frowning at Mike and Jay who were both bent over him very close to his face like he was some type of zoo animal.

“What?” he muttered trying to sit up me putting my hand on his chest forcing him to stay down where he was.

“You fainted stay where you are please,” I told him looking at him.

He cocked a confused eyebrow at me from where he was lying my hand still on his chest keeping him down, “Really?” he asked me.

“Yeah you hit your head hard,” James said.

“He’s lying. Pat caught you,” Matt said from where he was sitting on the couch.

“Where is Pat?” He asked trying to sit up again me pushing him back down.

“I’m right here,” Pat said quietly.

“What happened?” he asked Pat ignoring the fact that I was sitting right there with him.

“You fainted,” Pat told him, “Stay where you are. By the way didn’t…?”

“Yeah I told Alice. She said she was calling Dr. Palmer,” Mike said from where he was sitting on John’s other side.

“I’m going to go now,” Pat said, “Probably better to not be here when your Da comes up here with him so…”

“Yeah,” I said, “I’ll let you know how he’s doing.”

“I can let him know,” John said, “Can I get up now?”

“No, no you can’t until Dr. Palmer looks at you,” I told him, “You want to talk to me about any of this later?”

“What part?” John asked sighing heavily.

“Any of it? Where he talked about James? Because I’m pretty sure that’s where you started hyperventilating and everything after that was just the cherry on top,” I muttered.

“I’d prefer not to talk about it,” he told me as the lift kicked back on.

I thought it was weird Pat having just left. Me wondering if it was Da before the lift opened and sure enough there was Da. Vic was with him but it was Da coming over and rushing to John.

“Are you ok baby? Your brother said you fainted and I told him to call Vic. Is it your sugar or something?” Da asked coming over.

I sighed, Da wasn’t going to help with this. He was already upset enough he had fainted so why on earth did he think it was a good idea to come up here and get in John’s space? Da had done nothing but rape him since the moment he had gotten home. How on earth could he think that coming up here and forcing his presence down John’s throat was a good idea?

“No,” I said shaking my head and fighting the urge to roll my eyes, “He hyperventilated himself into one.”

Dr. Palmer cleared his throat smiling at us, “I’m still glad you called me because you never know,” he said before pulling out his stethoscope and blowing on it probably to warm it up, “This might feel cold, sorry about that. Now, take a deep breath in and breath for me please.”

Alice came in and silently removed everyone else from the room as I sat there with John and Da in hopes that maybe Da would keep his hands to himself because I was tired and I knew John was tired and no one was in the mood to deal with it. Vic asking John a bunch of questions and taking his blood sugar before he finally allowed him to get up slowly helping him sit up.

“Is he ok?” Da asked Vic.

“Yeah he’s fine. Will’s right, he hyperventilated himself until he fainted. Which makes me wonder what was said.”

Vic looked at me as he said that making me shift uneasily. I didn’t want to talk about that. Not with him. That was…no. I could feel my face getting warm as he looked at me and then back at John. I sighed.

John wouldn’t say I knew he wouldn’t say so that meant I had to. Not that I wanted to. I didn’t want to think about it let alone talk about it. The first time that…it was my body. That was private. That’s why John didn’t want to say anything about it either.   
Me sighing as I decided to speak up.

“Uncle Ben threatened James and then decided to ask John how old he was when he first…,” I said John putting his hand over my mouth surprising me his face turning red as I looked at him.

“That’s enough. We don’t need to repeat it,” he said giving Vic a tight smile.

Vic frowned at us, his eyes turning directly to me before he spoke, “I’m guessing it was a personal question that your brother doesn’t care to discuss.”

Da rubbed John’s left shoulder from where he was sitting on his left side, as John tensed slightly at the touch, “I’m sorry baby. I mean, John, your Uncle needs to stop teasing you. I’ll have a talk with him. I am however really interested in what he said but I’ll ask him or we can discuss it later. Will you can leave,” Da said shooting me a glance that meant he wanted me gone.

“You sure? I mean John, do you want me to stay?” I asked John.

I knew Da wanted me gone and that questioning him was a bad idea but if John said he wanted me there and Da heard him say it I had this feeling Da wouldn’t make me leave. That Da would let me stay with John because it’s what John wanted. John who had just fainted. John who was just as exhausted as I was.

“Will, I’m fine. Really, it’s good. You can go, listen to Da,” he said quietly looking at me and nodding his head.

The way he was looking at me. He seemed off. Something was wrong. He was sending me away because something was wrong and he didn’t want me to see or hear something me nodding my head as I got to my feet going down the hallway. I opened my bedroom door expecting it to be empty. By then you would think I would have let go of that expectation but, I hadn’t. Me seeing his little face poking out of my covers.

“Willy…,” he said.

He was shaking so hard it looked like my bed was cold. His eyes blood shot like he was trying not to cry. Trying not to draw attention to the fact that he was in there. It was because of Da. Because Da was up there. Because of everything that was happening me climbing in and hugging him.

“It’s ok bud,” I told him, “Shhh…it’s ok. Everything will be ok. He’s not coming for you right now ok? He’s not. He’s with John. He won’t come for you.”

“Why…why is he so mean? Why does he…?”

Hearing that question from him broke my heart. Because even if I had an answer to give him none of them would ever be good enough. They would just be excuses. It would only ever be excuses and not any good ones. Not ones that were fair or made sense. Because excuses never are fair. Excuses are things you tell people when you don’t have a real reason. Something you use to disown your own behaviors and short comings. That was something James didn’t need. Not ever. No one needs excuses.

“I don’t know bud,” I said cuddling him close to me, “It’s ok. I don’t know but we’re here together so it’s ok.”

“It’s not ok,” he said, “My butt is sore and it’s not ok.”

I knew it wasn’t really ok. There wasn’t anything else I could think of to say though me just rubbing his back as he cried. This was breaking them. It was breaking all of us.

I hugged him tightly to my chest as I heard moaning and whimpers coming from another room. It sounded like John. Like John and Da. There was something seriously wrong with my Da. Alice was there. Alice and Dr. Palmer me hoping one of them would make him stop. They didn’t the sound dying down after a while. Me wondering what they were doing. If Dr. Palmer was seeing to everyone else, making sure Cat was ok. 

If Alice had told him about everything that had happened he was doing checkups. I was sure that Alice would stop doctor Palmer and tell him to come check on James. Dr. Palmer was still in the house I was pretty sure. I hadn’t heard the lift kick on. That meant he hadn’t left yet, or if he had he had used the stairs in the pantry which I truly doubted.

He started calming down again. I was getting tired of all the crying. Of my crying and his. Of John’s because he did a lot of it when he was around. I was tired of listening to the babies cry and Catty. I was tired of everything, I realized as I laid there cuddling him kissing his head as I heard a soft knock on the bedroom door.

I looked over James stirring in my arms hugging me tired as I rocked him softly, “It’s ok bud,” I muttered, “It’s ok.”

My door opened James starting to pant as he squeezed his eyes closed. We both thought it was probably Da me sighing in relief when it turned out to be Vic him looking upset, scared holding his bag close to his chest.

“I…huh your nanny Alice said that James might need to be looked at?” he asked me.

“Bud,” I said to James, “You want to let Dr. Palmer check you out?” I asked him quietly.

James shook his head burying his face into my chest. He wasn’t in the mood to be poked and prodded at none of us really were. I couldn’t blame him for that. Not after everything that had been going on, not after last night.

“What about you? I’ve heard they haven’t been following my advice?” he asked me.

“My biggest compliant is my legs. I’ve been cleaning it and it’s not stinging as much,” I told him, “It’s mostly ok. I just have other things I’m dealing with.”

“James? Do you mind if I sit and talk to Will alone?” Dr. Palmer asked which caused James to squeeze me even tighter.

“We’re not having a good day,” I told Dr. Palmer, “If you want to talk to me about something he’s going to be here too. It was a bad night.”

“Was it? I’m sorry to hear that. You want to talk about it James? I’ll listen if you want me to,” Dr. Palmer said quietly pulling up my desk chair and sitting down beside us.

James didn’t move his head, didn’t answer. He was doing his quiet thing. Where I did it in tiny spurts if he decided he didn’t want to talk about something or he was feeling bad he got quiet. If he didn’t trust you he wouldn’t talk to you. When he was having a really hard time he would go quiet for days no matter who you were. I was surprised he had said the little he had to me.

“Ok, well I need you to keep an eye on John. He’s…his he’s not doing well either. I mean you’re struggling, everyone is struggling but and I’m not going to get into what happened something just happened though so keep an eye on him if you can. I know you have your hands full….” I snorted, “What?”

“Look,” I said, “Saying we’re struggling is an understatement. Da did horrible things to Jay and Cat last night. Mike’s been struggling as well. We’re tired, we want to be left alone. James, John and I all have broken assholes as I’m sure you’re aware and we’re tired. We’re so tired. So, if you could just please let me deal with my kid who is so scared he can’t even look at you right now that would be great.”

Vic frowned at me, “You sound like a parent.”

“Well John is busy our Da is only interested in raping us and our mum is god knows where so as far as it matters I am,” I said, “I know I’m only 11 and I have help and Alice is honestly great but she’s not going to make Mikey, Cat and Jay feel safe. I can’t even make them feel safe and I’m doing the best I can right now.”

“Your mom is alive. She’s somewhere safe where no one is hurting her physically but,” Dr. Palmer told me, “It’s a place where they put people who have mental health issues. A place where she doesn’t need to be so that she’ll stay out of the way and stay quiet until your Dad thinks she’ll be more…cooperative.”

That made me go silent. That meant they were doing something to her, bad things. Because there was no way mum would ever cooperate with that. With what Da wanted to do to us, was doing to us. I knew that. I had no doubts that she would fight to keep us as safe as she could. Like she always had. That it was just getting harder because there were so many of us. That it was harder to protect us all.

“Where is she? Are you saying she’s in hospital? A hospital for mental people where they give medication and stuff?” I muttered.

“Yes, and other things. They do different things to make her forget. Make even her doubt her own sanity. However, I’ll try to be here when she comes back to help her remember,” Dr. Palmer said.

“You mean if?” I asked him.

He gave me this look like I was right. It wasn’t a when it was an if. That he wasn’t sure she would ever be coming back but that he hoped she would. It was Lionel she had pissed off more than anyone. If anyone had the power to make someone disappear Vic knew it was him and so did I.

“Don’t say that,” he said even though he eyes agreed with me, “She will come back. If neither one of you are going to let me do exams I’m going to head off ok?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Thanks for coming to check on John.”

“No problem, just keep an eye out. Call me if you think you need me. See you later,” he said standing up and leaving.

Now I heard the lift kick on. James kept his face buried against my chest. His eyes closed as I held him. He was such a poor kid. He didn’t need this. No one needed this. Me thinking about Vic’s warning to check in on him, to make sure he was ok. I sighed starting to untangle myself from him slowly.

“Willy,” he said his voice trembling.

“I have to go check out something ok? I’ll be back as soon as I can. Just stay here,” I told him.

“What if he comes back?” He whimpered.

“Da?” I asked him, “Da won’t come back. Not until later and when he does I’ll be here ok? He’ll choose me. He won’t come to you again. I’ll make sure of it.” I whispered to him my eyes stinging as I sat down next to him, “I’ll be back.” I promised kissing his forehead before I got up and left quietly shutting the door behind me.

John’s room was quiet, the door shut. I wasn’t sure where everyone else was but I figured they were in the living room. The TV volume up so loud I could hear the characters chattering clearly on the TV. So that told me everyone had heard it. Heard John whimpering and Alice and doctor Palmer hadn’t bothered to stop him. Hadn’t done anything to help John.

They had heard him screaming and moaning and knew what was happening and had done nothing! Not a damn thing. The idea making me want to scream, to punch a wall. Why was that ok? They were adults they should have stopped him. They should have made Da FUCKING STOP! And they…they hadn’t. They had turned away left him alone. They had known Da was raping him. Was killing of a piece of his soul and they hadn’t cared.

I wanted to break his door down, to run to him. To tell him it was ok but I knew…I knew that with how broken he’d been that wouldn’t help him at all. He had even sat on my bed the night before whimpering and rocking back and forth because he couldn’t stand to be touched. Because he was doing that badly he could barely stand to look at me knowing that I knew. That I had seen Da do those things to him, that I had put my mouth on him, that I had watched him break down repeatedly.

He had been so scared not even an hour before he had fainted and Da had…had raped him anyway. After raping Cat and James the night before when he had raped John and I that morning. John needed a break. We all needed a break.

I knocked on the door. Just hoping he was ok enough that he could speak, that he could say anything waiting just a minute before I heard a muffled reply through the door causing me to open it.

He was curled in a ball on his side. He was naked his pants on the floor as he laid kind of in the middle of his bed. I sighed going into his closet and grabbing on of his spare blankets throwing it over top of him. He flinched slightly as the fabric hit his skin his eyes open, staring at nothing as I sat down in his desk chair. Trying to figure out what to say, where to start. If there was anything I could do.

“Hey. You ok?” I asked him.

He blinked before lifting his eyes to my face. Otherwise not moving, not indicating he had heard me speak at all before he sighed answering in a barely audible tone, “Do I really need to answer?”

“Is there anything I can do?” I asked.

The answer he gave me broke my heart. I understood why. I mean it wasn’t like anyone had helped him. Not even me because I was an idiot to think Dr. Palmer or Alice would make Da stop. He probably knew everyone had heard. Probably hated himself. Probably hated the world figuring just like me that’s all we would ever be good for. He was tired. Just like I was tired.

“Let me die,” he whispered.

“John?” I said dropping from the chair I was sitting in to my knees on the floor beside him. 

It felt almost like he had punched me. He was saying he was giving up. That he wanted to be done. It wasn’t the first time he had made a statement that he might be suicidal since we had gotten back. A couple days before him asking me if I would shoot him. But, it was the first time he had done it that way. With this blank look on his face instead of angry. It was somewhere beyond tired. Like he had given up.

“Please,” he muttered, “Just let me die.”

No, he couldn’t. He couldn’t do this. I needed him, I need…me putting my hand over my mouth and closing my eyes as they started to burn knowing that crying wouldn’t help him. That him seeing me cry wouldn’t do anything to make him better. That it would only make him worse.

“I can’t do that John,” I barely managed to reply laying my hand on the bed next to his him pulling his hand away in one swift move.

“Don’t touch me,” he said with zero emotion, zero energy, “No one needs to touch me.”

I sighed pulling my hand away. I could understand that. I did understand it but, he just the way he was acting. I didn’t know what to do for him. How I could help him. I nodded my head.

“Ok. Maybe you just need some sleep?” I suggested.

“No,” he answered monotone, “I need a new life. A new body.”

“Can I draw you a bath? Get you some water? Call Pat? Anything?” I asked him trying to think of something I could do.

Something that might make him just… it felt like he wasn’t real. Like he was off somewhere in his head where he couldn’t get back. I needed to bring him back and I wasn’t sure how. I was thankful he was talking and not a screaming shuddering mess of a person but he still wasn’t him. He still wasn’t right. The fact that he was talking, responsive almost worrying me more than when he went silent and rocked back and forth.

He didn’t answer my question, didn’t look at me. Didn’t say anything for a minute but closed his eyes and sighed heavily, “He wants me to spend the night with him. He’s not going to let me say no. I’m not allowed to say no.”

He was right about that. We weren’t ever allowed to say no and Mum wasn’t around to care. And Alice and doctor Palmer didn’t care and I had everyone, everyone else. Because John wasn’t enough for him. Doing this to John wasn’t enough for them. They had to do it to everyone else too. I didn’t like the way he was acting the only thing I could think of that might snap him out of it being Pat.

He always responded to Pat. Pat could always bring him back. Sometimes Pat just being there could bring him back to as close to normal as he had. I sighed not sure what else I could do.

“Ok. Stay here, all right? I’m going to call Pat. I’ll be back. Don’t go anywhere,” I said before getting up and leaving. Nearly sprinting down the hall me sliding and almost falling as I hit the marbled tile of the kitchen.

“Whoa, slow down there Will,” Alice said, “Where’s…what’s wrong?” she said her face falling as she looked at my expression.

“I need, I can’t. I should call Pat. He’s not normal Alice. He needs Pat,” I said feeling like I couldn’t breathe, “He’s…it’s…”

“Ok,” she said coming around the island setting down her knife on the chopping block and grabbing my arm steering me towards a stool and making me sit, “Just breathe I’ll dial and hand you the phone.”

I nodded my head trying to breathe. Holding my breath for four second and then exhaling doing it over and over as Alice handed me the phone it already ringing.

“Yo,” I heard Cole answer.

“COLE, YOU DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE LIKE THAT!” I heard someone yell at him in the background.

“Sorry Dad, yeesh, Hello?” Cole asked me.

“Cole, I need Pat. Not you just Pat. I don’t think you guys are supposed to be coming over anyway but it’s…I don’t know what to do I can’t…I don’t…”

“Whoa, Will breathe, breathe is it John? Is he having issues?” Cole asked.

Alice tapped me on the shoulder taking the phone from my shaking hands, “Hello? Yes, Cole it’s Alice. Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on but Will here seems very upset and you know how close Pat and John are. I think it’d be best if you could yes, no just Pat. I think Will himself is having a little bit of trouble right now and they aren’t up for visitors again today really but you know how John is. Yes, I understand. I’ll deal with it if there’s any issue you want to put Your Daddy on the phone?

I’ll take care of it sugar, don’t worry about it. Put your Daddy on the phone,” she said as she rubbed my back.

“Hello Mr. Gables you remember me? Good, yes, I’m fine. Listen one of my charges over here is having a hard time and he’s close to your boy Patrick. I was wondering if Patrick could head on over here for an hour or two just to calm him down. I know, yes, I understand but I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t think it was best. I’ve tried everything I can to get the boy to just calm down and he won’t. Pat’s my last try before I have to go and call on Dr. Palmer again and you know that poor boy is always so busy with everything so if you could just…yes, I appreciate it, really, I do. Thank you I’ll send him home as soon as things are settled. Thank you. I’ll talk to you later.” She said hanging up the phone, “he’s on his way. Now I’m going to give you a glass of water and you’re going to sit and wait. Go have a seat in the living room and I’ll be right there and then I’ll go downstairs and get him ok?”

I nodded my head not sure if I was going to hyperventilate again or if I was going to go numb. He wanted to die. He wanted to kill himself or he at least wanted someone else to. If he couldn’t do this how were we supposed to do this? We needed our mum back. We needed mum. That’s all there was to it. Maybe if I talked to Lionel, Da, someone they would bring her back. That they would…we needed her. We needed her.

I walked numbly over to the couch and sat down next to Mike who was holding onto Laura. It was late afternoon around 4pm or so. Mike smiling sadly at me, “You look tired.”

I nodded my head numbly. I felt it wasn’t my place to tell them. That it would only upset them and make John feel bad. That it would only make them feel the same way I felt. Hopeless wondering how any of us were going to be ok if John couldn’t be ok. They didn’t need that. Not on top of everything else. Not on top of Da and Uncle Ben. Especially not Mike. Not on top of kids and Da and Uncle Ben and Matty and everything else he was dealing with.

“You want cuddles? Laura’s a good cuddler. Aren’t you Lar?” Mike asked her playing with her hands as she laid back in his lap smiling and giggled.

“Yes, I cuddle. Cuddles nice,” she agreed.

“Sure, I’ll take some cuddles,” I said shrugging my shoulders a shout from behind the couch starling me.

“I CUDDLE!” Andy screamed excitedly his little pitter patter sounding as he raced around the couch and head butted me in the…

“OU…” was the only thing I managed.

“Did he just headbutt your junk?” Matty asked as he turned away from the TV to check on me.

“Sorry! Love you!” Andy told me excitedly.

I held up my finger. It really did not feel good. I mean my body was still very sore so it was just another low blow, literally and figuratively. Andy looking at me like he was going to cry and I leaned over clutching myself.

“Are you ok?” Mike asked me to which I nodded my head.

“Yea,” I managed to squeak, “I love you too Andy but…too much.” 

Matty started laughing as I groaned and whined while clutching myself for probably a good five minutes until I was no longer in so much pain I couldn’t sit up straight before opening my arms to Andy.

“I sorry,” Andy told me.

“I know,” I said kissing the back of his head as he settled into my lap, “I know you’re sorry. I’m ok.”

“Your future children might not be though,” Matt muttered.

“Where did you…?” I trailed off sighing.

“What?” Matt asked.

“You have major attitude,” Mike commented where Laura was still cuddling with him next to me.

“So? Are you kidding me? You know how old everyone around me was in the hospital? I was like the youngest kid there really besides class time. Like everyone else was girls. I even had my own room because there weren’t any other boys in my age group. I got to listen to John and the other boys banter and they were so…” Matty tried to explain.

That made sense. Considering I had never heard him refer to any children I was planning on never having if it meant subjecting another poor soul to the existence I was currently living. No one deserved to be treated like this. Me finding the fact that Matt would even think about mentioning kids or wanting them weird but shrugging it off as no big deal.

Alice came back up having gone down in the lift a while ago Pat walking right past everyone almost running into John’s room. I wasn’t sure there was anything I could do so I stayed where I was until I…shit. I kissed the top of Andy’s head and sat him back down on the couch.

“Where are you going in such a hurry?” Matt asked me.

“I promised someone something and almost forgot,” I said running down the hall to my door and opening it. I heard the toilet flushing. Well at least he was moving. Even if it was only around my bedroom him coming out and looking at me. He looked so tired. So worn out poor kid.

“You were gone a long time,” he told me.

“I know I’m sorry. I had to go talk to John and everyone had a bad night ok? I’m back though. I think evening tea is going to be ready in a little while,” I told him as he climbed back into my bed and I followed him.

“I’m not hungry,” he muttered.

“We have to eat,” I said quietly, “Just try to eat for me. Trust me not eating when Da’s like this, it will make you sick. It makes your body feel even worse.”

“I can feel worse?” he asked me snuggling into my arms.

“I know it’s hard to believe but trust me. It can get worse,” I told him.

“Does it make your throat scratchier?” he asked me quietly.

“Your throat is scratchy?” I asked him quietly him nodding his head in response, “Did Da make you use your mouth?”

He sighed going still. Well, that answered that question. That always made your throat sore. I wasn’t sure what Alice was making but hopefully it was soft. I kissed the top of his head wondering at the way he had phrased it. Usually to me it felt like it had been rubbed raw, my throat. Like it burned but it didn’t itch the idea that he might be getting sick or Da might have scratched the inside of his throat somehow worrying me even more than his silence.

“Bud, what does it feel like? Your throat I mean. Does it feel like something might be stuck in it? Like you have frog in your throat kind of is that why you kept coughing and you keep clearing your throat every couple of minutes?” 

He nodded his head into my chest. This poor kid. He was really having a hard time. The fact that he kept going silent only confirming that to me. That he really wasn’t doing any better than John or me. The only one maybe holding it somewhat together being Mike.

So, Da had probably scratched the inside of his throat. Shoved himself into Jay’s mouth too hard, too deep. Helped explain why it sounded like he was killing him. Because when he pulled out James had probably still felt like he was choking and the screams tend to build up. Especially when you’re trying not to scream. This poor kid. He was only a baby. He was six years old.

“Just let me know if it gets better ok? You want me to…,” there was a small knock on the door interrupting me, “Yes?”

“Supper is ready,” Alice called, “I made a stew.”

That was good. That would be easy for him to swallow me still rubbing his back slowly, “Come on bud. We should eat. The heat might make your throat feel better,” I told him.

He sighed sitting up looking at Alice.

“Hi there,” Alice said, “You’ve been hiding in here all day. I’m sure Malachy would love to see you. You know he loves you. Come on, let’s go eat Jay Jay.”

She smiled at him holding out her hand him looking at me.

“I’m coming too,” I assured him coaxing him out of my bed, “I’m coming.”

Alice smiled sadly at us and nodded her head, “Come on sugar. Willy’s coming with you. You won’t be alone.”

He nodded his head looking at her before he turned to me and hugged me before getting up out of my bed. I stepped out of it too following him. He turned around and hugged me again. He still seemed so scared. Me taking his hand and holding it tightly as his body seemed to tremble harder and harder the closer we got to the door.

“Ok,” I said when he stopped moving forward with me my arm being suddenly yanked on as he abruptly stopped moving forward right at the threshold. Me getting onto my knees so I was more level with him, closer to his height, “Bud we can’t stay in here. We have to go out in the kitchen to eat.”

He shook his head vigorously still staying silent. I wished he wouldn’t do that. However, I understood it. I understood the fear. He was afraid Da was still out there or that he would just show up without any warning. All of us being horribly panicked earlier when they had showed up. He felt like my room was one of the few safe places there was. He didn’t want to leave it and I didn’t want to force him. Not if he was like this. Not if he was barely talking to me and not speaking to anyone else.

I sighed looking at him. I didn’t want to coddle him but, I knew he’d only start crying if I made him leave. He was already on the edge of tears and he was so scared he was literally shaking. Alice putting her hand on my shoulder startling me because I hadn’t realized she hadn’t gone down the hallway.

“Sorry,” she told me, “Why don’t you two eat in here tonight? Ok? Just for tonight. I’ll bring it shortly.”

“Thank you,” I said nodding my head as I got back up.

“Just take care of him,” Alice said turning around and going back out.

He made the most pathetic little sound me picking him up and taking him back to my bed.

“Oh kiddo, it’s ok bud. You’re ok,” I told him, “Shhh…. Shhh…. Tá sé ceart go leor leanbh.”

“I want mummy,” he wailed.

I hadn’t meant to do that. It was something she had always told me when I was wee and I cried like that. I hadn’t meant to make it worse.

“I know, I know. Me too, bud,” I told him, “We’ll be ok though. I promise. We can’t have you stay in here forever though. 

“Willy? Can we come in?” Mike asked me pushing the door open for Alice.

“Yeah, can you set it down on the desk?” I asked him James crying into my arms.

“Jay are you ok?” Mike asked him.

“He’s scared,” I told him. Alice setting the bowls down on the desk and leaving shutting the door quietly behind her.

“I know you’re scared,” Mike said to him touching his shoulder, “I’m scared too. I’m really scared but…you know how we’re scared? Imagine how much more scared Mac and Andy are going to be if we act scared? So, we have to try super hard to look brave right now. I know it’s hard but we have to brave until Mummy comes home and Jack is better ok?”

James stopped crying and looked at Mike blinking heavily whispering one word, a question, “Jack?”

“Mike…,” I said shaking my head.

“What? He might be little but you said we needed to tell each other things like Julie said. That we needed to be honest and explain. It doesn’t matter that he’s little he’s big enough to understand.”

“You guys shouldn’t call him Jack anymore. You should try to get out of the habit. Da doesn’t like him being called Jack. He’ll get really mad if he hears you call John Jack. And Jay I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but John is having a really hard time right now like you. He doesn’t feel safe either. He hasn’t left his room since Da went back downstairs and he was crying. After all the screaming. He’s trying really hard to be brave too. Just like you and I’m so proud of you for trying so hard bud. But know you aren’t alone ok? That it isn’t just hard on you. That we’re doing this together,” I told him.

“You?” he asked me.

I nodded my head, “Yeah bud I’m scared too. I’m so scared that everything is going to fall apart ok? That I can’t protect you. I’m scared that something…more really bad things are…” my voice broke me starting to cry.

I didn’t want to cry in front of them it wasn’t going to help them any. It wasn’t going to help them be brave if I couldn’t be brave. It wasn’t going to help them to see me cry. Me putting my hands over my eyes.

“It’s ok Willy,” Mike said climbing up onto the edge of my bed attempting to hug me, “It’s ok.”

“I’m sorry,” I said clearing my throat, “We’ll be ok though guys. We will I promise we just have to hold on until they let mum come back.”

“I’m going to go eat. Alice said that we’re not animals and I’m not sick so I have to eat at the table,” Mike said to me.

“I think that’s a good idea,” I told him smiling, “Jay bud, why don’t you sit at the desk ok?”

“You?” he asked me again.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “We’ll be ok though. We’ll find a way to be ok and I’ll do everything I can try and keep you and everyone else safe ok? I don’t think it’ll be enough but, I’ll try.”

“I love you,” he said quietly letting me go and pulling out the chair at my desk sitting down in it.

“I love you too, bud,” I said, “I’ll be back. I’m going to be fine though ok? I promise.”

“Ok,” he said quietly as he picked up his spoon and put it in the one of the bowls on the tray.”

I walked down the hall to John’s room noticing from the crack at the bottom that the light was off. Even though I was sure pat was in there. I decided not to knock because knocking would only wake John up if he was sleeping and he needed sleep. He needed something and sleep would only help him. I turned the knob slowly sticking my head in, “Pat?” I asked in a whisper.

Pat cleared his throat, “Yeah?” he asked back his own voice staying quiet as I came into the room and shut the door sitting down in the chair by the desk.

I think I was sure even then that it wasn’t ok. That something was really wrong but I wanted to believe it wasn’t. That it was ok. That he was going to fine. Because Pat was there and John was sleeping. Finally sleeping after probably barely getting any sleep for days. That probably being the real reason he had fainted. He had probably fainted because of fear and exhaustion not because of hyperventilating. He looked so peaceful finally. Pat gently running his hands through John’s hair as he looked at him John draped lazily over top of him his face against Pat’s chest as he rested in Pat’s arms.

“Is he going to be ok?” I asked.

Pat looked from me down to him, watching him watching his hand travel through the strands of John’s hair before he sighed, “I don’t know.”

What? That wasn’t what I needed to hear. I needed to hear that it would be ok. That wasn’t what I needed. Not with everything else. Not with the little boy that wouldn’t leave my room because he was afraid Da was going to be outside of it. Was going to hurt him or make someone else scream and make him listen. I didn’t…how could he not just say it. Even if he wasn’t sure.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” I asked him.

“he promised he would try, that he would keep trying but I honestly don’t know if he’ll be ok and it scares the hell out of me,” Pat answered looking at me.

Why couldn’t he…? Why was this so hard for him? I knew Da was worse to him than anyone else. That Da was his Uncle Ben. I had to deal with Uncle Ben all the time. All the horrible things he said to me, the way he treated me. The way he looked at me. I had to deal with the same things from a different person and yet I felt I handled it better. In my 11-year-old mind I was better at dealing with the stress than John was. I was wondering why John wasn’t like me. Why he couldn’t do it as well as I could. Why he struggled so hard.

“Why do you think it’s so hard for him?” I dared to ask.

“Well, he’s your older brother. Every time he can’t protect any of you he sees it as him failing. He can’t protect you guys, he can’t protect himself. He feels like no matter what he does it’s his fault. Alice probably didn’t help any,” Pat answered.

I could tell he was just guessing. That he wasn’t saying that to be mean or to suggest I didn’t understand what that felt like, because I did. He knew I did but he was looking to give an answer I could accept. He was grasping at straws just like I was. Hoping that John was too, that John was trying. That as he laid there against Pat’s chest he was trying like he had promised.

“He can’t protect us. It’s not his job. It’s Da’s job and it’s a job he doesn’t want. We need to protect ourselves. It’s not on John. It’s really not and I keep telling him that but, he doesn’t believe me. What did Alice do?” I asked wondering what I had missed.  
I knew I was in bed most of the day before so there were things I was bound to have not been around to notice but it made me scared for a minute. That maybe I had missed something big. That maybe she was really bad and making me cookies, making me think they were safe with her had just been a trick to get me to let my guard down.

Pat looked at down at him still stroking his head, watching him quietly for a minute or two before he spoke still looking at him, watching him sleep, “He feels like it is because your Da doesn’t. He’s always going to feel like it is because he loves you guys so much. Alice said that he’s old enough to fight back. Like she knows anything about what they do? They would beat him within an inch of his life if he fought back against them. He’s 13. What the hell is a 13-year-old supposed to do about guys like them?” he asked me still staring at John his hand moving down to touch John’s face, stroke his cheek.

Da wasn’t that violent. I had seen that the possibility was there but he wasn’t the worst. Uncle Ben, Lionel, they were worse. They were a world away from what I thought Da was capable of. Lionel and Uncle Ben had both made it pretty clear they had killed people before just because they could. Just because no one would stop them. I didn’t picture Da ever killing one of us. Ever even trying. He wanted us too much for that. Especially John. I wasn’t sure if that was better or worse knowing that he wouldn’t kill us because he wanted us around but it meant he wouldn’t physically hurt us so bad it was something that wouldn’t heal. Something that couldn’t be mended.

“Da’s not…” I sighed trying to figure out how to best word it.

“Yeah, because none of you fight him,” Pat said looking at me, “The fact that he’s not violent tells me that if you did fight back he would snap. He’s more dangerous than my Dad and none of you realize it yet. I’ve heard stories about guys like your Dad when they snap. Guys like him need complete control or they aren’t happy and if they get unhappy you better be very, very careful. You understand me? John is handling your Da the only correct way there is which is lying there and closing your eyes and waiting for it to be over. None of this is his fault. He’s surviving.”

The look he was giving me was cold, serious. It scared me. If he could say that it made me wonder what he hadn’t told me about his summer. If he could say it like that, with that look in his eyes. What he had seen Da do or what Da had done to him and Cole with all those guys he had told me they had been forced to see while we were gone. While they had been staying here.

“I wasn’t arguing with you Pat,” I sighed, “I have no idea how to handle any of them really. The basement, that is the first time I’ve been through any of that stuff and it was scary. Do they do that all the time?”

“It just depends I guess. They pass us around. They trade us off to each other. The blind fold thing though, that they did to John and Cole. I’ve never seen them do that before. However, I don’t imagine that being very pleasant,” Pat told me watching him closely, watching John’s back rise and fall in a slow steady rhythm under his hand.

“Yeah, it didn’t look pleasant. I mean I can just imagine not being able to tell who is doing what. It’s bad enough when you can see them. Tell who is who,” I answered thinking back to Uncle Ben and collar. The Collar that had hooked me flat to the bed so that I couldn’t lift my neck. So, I couldn’t see what he was doing to me, only feel it. Me having to close my eyes and take a deep breath swearing I could almost feel the metal pressing against my throat making it hard to swallow. I touched my neck instinctively checking to make sure it wasn’t there. That I wasn’t there with him. That Uncle Ben wasn’t doing that to me.

“He doesn’t talk about it, you know?” I added.

“Well, would you? I mean all due respect, and I know talking about your uncle, the stuff you’ve told me while he’s been resting has helped you but, he’s dealing with a lot of very intense stuff. They…your Dad sells him to people. You understand that, right? You know that. They just have to give your Dad some money and they can do whatever they want to him within your Dad’s limits I’m sure. They aren’t very nice to him. I’ve seen them shove things in places where you don’t want anyone putting anything. Their tongues, toys. Obviously, their penis’s. They’ve whipped him. Why do you think his back is so messed up right now? They bite him. I’ve seen my Dad bite kids so hard he draws blood. I know he’s done that to John because John is just his type.”

Just talking about it seemed like a struggle for Pat. I knew Hank was hard. Cole had told me that. Everyone had told me that. I’d seen it. It’d seen his…girth. It wasn’t…the thought making me shudder. I still needed John though. I didn’t want him going through that but I needed him to try and I was glad he had agreed to do that. I just wished I could have asked him for more. For more than just an effort. That I could ask him to just do it. To want to live. If not for himself than for us. For all the people that needed him.  
“Hank really bites people like that? I thought that was just a rumor,” I said quietly, more to myself than to Pat.

“Yeah, those round circle scars on John’s chest? I think he has two or three of them. Those are from my Dad biting him and my Dad hurts. He’s rough. He’ll make guys bleed sometimes. Arthur’s the same way and I know John’s been with them together at least once. He won’t talk about Leo but, from what I’ve heard Leo is very much like your Dad. Very controlling. If things don’t go exactly how he wants them to he gets angry,” Pat told me.

Leo. I knew he feared Leo. If Leo was like Da no wonder John wanted to die. Wished he would die. Had begged me to just let him die. It was bad enough dealing with Da. The things he said. The only thing that could make Da worse was if he did what Lionel did. Made you beg for it. Me wondering if that’s why John wanted to die so badly. Because Leo was doing to him what Lionel did to me. Even though it seemed like Leo liked things the other way. Like you to beg for him to stop instead of to do it.

“If he doesn’t talk about Leo how do you know what he’s like?” I asked Pat.

“Kristoff, Tall guy, light brown hair, brown eyes. Kind of stubbly around the face. Friends with Cole.” Pat said jogging my memory.

Kristoff. Cole’s Kris. The one that was protective of me. That kept telling Cole I was only 11. Me nodding my head in understanding.

“I think I remember who you are talking about,” I told him.

“Kristoff isn’t very open about it either but, I asked him after the movie theater last year. What Leo was like, I mean. He said Leo and Tony forced him and this other kid to make a movie. When the other kid wouldn’t do what he was told Leo kicked the kid repeatedly until he coughed up blood. They had to postpone everything for like three weeks. However, next time they brought him back in and the same kid, that kid was very cooperative. Just to give you an idea of how dangerous these guys can be.”

That was an understatement. I hadn’t told Pat anything Cole had told me. I had sworn to him that I never would and I never did. If he heard half of the things Cole and Teddy had told me he’d understand I knew. I knew exactly how dangerous all of them were. That they did anything and everything to get you to do what they wanted without question.

“Da almost choked me once,” I said thinking back to it, thinking back to one of the millions of times that all blurred together, “When I refused to let him…suck me.” I finished in barely a whisper feeling my face heating up just saying the words.

“That doesn’t surprise me. They’ve probably done that to him too. You know they’ve broken his arm once. Sprained it another time. He’s constantly covered in bruises.”

“You mean like the ones all over his neck? I thought that was from them kissing him too hard,” I said.

That’s usually how I got them. How I had acquired the ones I was currently sporting. Most of them under the collar of my shirt. Down my chest trailing down my stomach some at the base of my neck in-between my shoulder blades.

“He has a lot of bruises in other places you don’t get to see,” Pat said looking down at John again, moving his hand slowly on his back.

What? “He has bruises in places I don’t…,” I looked up at Pat realizing I was muttering out loud, thinking out loud, “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

I had been bruised there before. After Lionel and Jai. It hurt. It made it hurt to piss. The thought making me sick and making me realize what Pat was saying. That he’d seen him naked, that he and John had maybe…

“What him and I do in private between us isn’t for you to know,” Pat said shrugging his shoulder before he looked down John’s hand flinching before he rolled his shoulder, “Rabbit? Are you waking up?” Pat asked him.

“A little,” he answered quietly rolling over to face me his head still against Pat’s chest.

I still found it hard to believe. That they did those things even though John had told me they had. But he had always made it sound like he couldn’t let Pat…get that close to there. It making me feel weird as I thought about it looking at them John watching me for a minute before he yawned.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” John asked me.

“I thought you said you’d only fooled around like for real for real like once,” I told him.

“Fooled around...?” John said frowning before he thought about it, “Oh yeah.”

“He says you're bruised in places I don’t get to see,” I repeated as John blinked the sleep from his eyes.

“Pat,” John sighed shaking his head against Pat’s chest, “No. Really? You had to tell him that?”

That was dangerous. They shouldn’t be doing that. He really was suicidal. If he was doing that and he knew they weren’t allowed to he had to be suicidal. They both had to be suicidal. I needed him. Why did he want to die so badly that he was willing to risk Pat too? Why…why. I shook my head.

“You guys need to stop. I don’t care how much you like each other they will kill you,” I blurted out, “You know they will kill you and I can’t lose either of you. So, just stop.”

“Will, we’re not. Ok, it’s not like that,” John said sitting up and shaking his head his face red as he hid his eyes in embarrassment.

“Said the naked guy,” I muttered.

He had barley been functional when I had thrown the blanket over him. I doubted that would have changed in the 30 or so minutes it had taken me to make that phone call or have Alice make it for me and Pat to get to the house and into his room. So, I was honestly just assuming he was still naked the shade of his face darkening as I said it telling me I was right, that he was still naked under the blanket that was wrapped around him and Pat.

“Listen to me. If we were it’s not your concern Will. Really, it’s fine. I can’t anyway. I’m contracted,” Pat said looking at me before pulling the blanket as John rolled over and sat up next to him in bed.

“Says the guy I caught dry humping said naked guy in the pool,” I muttered looking at them.

I felt like they were full of shit. They were playing with fire and they both knew it. They just didn’t care. They were being stupid. There wasn’t any reason to do it other than he wanted to die. John wanted…he was actively trying to get them to kill him. He really was trying to leave us to rot.

“What?” John asked me his face as red as his hair.

“I’m 11. I’m not stupid. You didn’t have any pants on John. What did you think I would think you were doing in the pool? He was naked for fuck sake,” I said shaking my head at them, “You don’t remember that?”

“In John’s defense he didn’t have pants on because he was kind of attacked by your Uncle who was trying very hard to force his way into said non-existing pants,” Pat told me, “And I was naked because I was trying to draw his attention elsewhere. Your Uncle’s, not John’s.”

I sighed getting annoyed with them. Getting annoyed and angry with the fact that he was being so rash. That he was trying to get himself killed. That he was acting like it wasn’t a big deal that he was that suicidal it didn’t matter. We didn’t matter. The little boy in my room who shook like he was freezing to death whenever he tried to leave it didn’t matter. Like the babies in that nursery that I was beyond afraid for because they were almost 3 and I had been just slightly older than that and John probably around that age when Da had started touching us at night in our toddler beds didn’t matter. Like the only thing that mattered was his pain ending, was him finding peace.

“Yeah well,” I sighed, “That was super gross just so you know. I came in to tell you food was ready so Pat, if you would like to eat please come with me because right now I’m having trouble trusting you two alone in a room together,” I said standing up.

“We were just in a room alone together for hours and nothing happened. And I’m older then you are,” John said looking at me, frowning at me.

“Again,” I answered rolling my eyes at them, “Coming from the naked guy. Pat, come on. Don’t cause yourselves more trouble than you need, please.”

“Ok,” Pat sighed looking at John, “Get dressed. I’ll see you at the table all, right?” Pat said to him.

“, I think John’s eating…,” I sighed.

I remembered dinner from that night. I hadn’t seen John eat anything in a while but Alice had always been making two sperate dishes. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out someone wasn’t eating what the rest of us were eating. That someone was having their diet altered to accommodate certain things, to make it less messy. To make sex less messy.

“Oh,” John said moving his legs under the covers like he wanted to pull them into his chest, “he told you that?”

“No,” I said shaking my head, “I just noticed that she’s been making two separate meals.”

“Oh, no,” John shook his head, “Da said he wanted to see me remember?” he told me.

“Which means…” I trailed off.

“What did I miss?” Pat asked us looking between the two of us.

“He wants me to eat with him which means I probably won’t be eating,” John said looking at Pat.

Pat’s eyes went wide. Me feeling guilty. Guilty for being mad at him. Especially when Da was doing that to him. Being so hard on him, not leaving him alone. Not even really letting him eat and then when he could, changing his diet so anyone that was smart enough could figure it out. Figure out that Da was raping him every chance Da could take.

I would want to kill myself too if someone was doing that to me. Someone almost was and if it wasn’t for me worrying so much about Jay and John I probably would have wanted to. I probably wouldn’t have felt anything was worth sticking around for. That there wasn’t any reason to be there if all I was amounted to being some hole for people to cum in. Me realizing that’s probably what John felt like he was. That’s probably all he believed he was.

“Are you going to be ok?” Pat asked looking at him.

“I have to be, don’t I?” John asked, “I promised I would try.”

John shrugged his shoulders throwing back the cover letting it all hang out me covering my eyes quickly with my hands but not before I noticed how beat up he looked. Long scratches dragging from his waist down the front of his thighs almost like he’d been clawed by an animal. I loved my brother, but his junk was the last thing I wanted to see. I’d had it in my face a couple nights previously I did not need an unprompted repeat.

“Holy shit,” I muttered thinking about how bad he looked. Pat wasn’t lying when he said he had bruises in places I didn’t get to see.

I heard Pat trying to hold in a laugh, “Really Rabbit? I think you just scarred him for life.”

“Well the way he made it sound I wasn’t allowed PJ’s exactly so…whatever,” John said as I heard him moving around the room.

“I’ve seen him naked before, just his waist is…,” I said feeling my face heating up as my brain flashed the picture before my eyes again, John and his…all his glory covered in gorges and bruises, scraps all the way from right above his hips or V all the way down to his lower thighs.

“What’s scratched up and black and blue? Yeah, I told you,” Pat said, “Thighs knees, you know…he’s covered now by the way.”

I sighed taking my hands down. He was indeed covered which I was thankful for. Me putting my hand on the door knob to leave.

“Why were you talking about me while I was asleep?” John asked suddenly causing me to turn around.

“Sorry,” I answered quietly, “It was my fault, John, I-I’m worried ok?”

John looked at me sadly shrugging his shoulders, “Well don’t be. There isn’t anything anyone can do about it. Now, I’m going to go downstairs, all right? I’ll see you in the morning. Have Alice get everyone into bed by 8:30 ok? No buts. Pat I’ll walk you out, all right?” John said reaching out Pat grabbing his hand in response and nodding his head.

That hurt. He had literally no hope left. Him telling me it wasn’t worth it to worry about him. To worry that he was breaking down because he felt like there was nothing anyone could do. That no one could help him so he wasn’t worth worrying about. That he wasn’t worth the energy it took to care about him and whether he was ok or not. Me walking out and back to my room wondering how on earth I was supposed to do that. Not worry about him. Not care.


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will has a long day where he feels tired and worn out only to be woken in the middle of the night be a disturbing dream to find that sometimes reality is worse than nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1091-1105. I know it's late in the week I'm sorry. I've been kind of bleh...this week. But I always give you at least one update on Will so here's the update. Now this is heavy chapter so don't be sad that it's so short instead cry your eyes out because John... **Warnings: very strong ones, Language, talk of rape, talk of child sexual abuse, talk of violent thoughts, mental illness, anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts SUICIDE ATTEMPT, blood, crying** Yes that's right it's that chapter. So now you get to hear about it from Will's POV **John POV part 2 chapter 9**

I wish that Pat had stayed but he left when John left. John going downstairs making it sound like he didn’t plan on coming back that night. I went back to my room to find James in my bed the nightstand lamp on as he held a book in his hands the Jacket sitting under the light of the lamp as I came in.

“The first one?” I asked him.

“I like it,” he answered, “And the words are big. I like it better when you read to me though.”

It was the first Harry Potter book. I had read the books to him and everyone else probably 100’s of times already. The 3rd one only coming out a couple weeks before we had been brought back. Me having read it once for myself and once to everyone else.  
Mike had told me that he liked the story because Harry Potter was the boy who lived. That he was looked at differently because of horrible things that had happened to him. Somethings he couldn’t even remember. That while he was looked at as special by some people others thought he was a freak like the Malfoys.

That he hoped one day he could be like Harry Potter. That he could forget what had happened but have people look at him like he was special like he mattered. That he hoped more people would treat him like that than like a freak even though he was afraid that’s what we were. 

It made me realize how powerful the story was, that it wasn’t just about a boy who found out he was a wizard. But, it was about a boy who had lived a horrible life. Who had been beaten from a young age, forced to live under the stairs like he was no better than the spiders that dangled above his head as he slept. Who had endured horrible things and yet he hadn’t just survived. 

He had found a place, a world where he thrived. Where he was celebrated and thought of as a hero. That maybe that’s why we all loved the story so much. Because it was about not just surviving but overcoming. That he had defeated something that everyone was so afraid of they wouldn’t even name what it was. That he had defeated Voldemort once by luck and twice by the sheer power of will. By simply believing in good and injustice.

Voldemort was like his version of our Da. The version that kept coming back. That kept looking to destroy us. And Harry, he was each of us. Fighting to survive and surprising ourselves along with everyone else when we came out ok. Me wondering how long before we just like Harry couldn’t get back up again, couldn’t pick the pieces back up. Wondering which one of us was going to end up in that hospital wing first and never leave it.

“I’m going to go heat up my soup,” I told him, “I’m glad you’re talking to me.”

“I’ll always talk to you Willy,” he told me, “You listen. Even when I’m so scared I can’t make words come out, you listen.”

That made me smile sadly. I remembered feeling that way. Like no one listened. When Da had started touching me at night between him telling me Mum and John would both be mad at me and feeling like mum was always too busy with everyone else it had felt like even if I had said something no one would have listened. No one would have cared.

I took comfort in the fact that even though I felt like I was shit at helping he had me. That he believed I listened. Even if earlier in the day I had told him I would be back and then forgotten about him for a little while. Feeling blessed that he had forgiven me and thankful that Alice was being so understanding by not pushing him to leave my room.

By allowing him to stay in the one place where he felt he might be safe. Alice had so many things to deal with I could picture a less patient person yelling at him, telling him he was being childish or a baby. That he was a big boy and he needed to suck it up. But as Alice had watched his shaking increase with each step towards the door she had accepted that staying where he was, was probably the best thing for him.

“Do you feel like other people wouldn’t listen?” I asked him sitting down on my desk chair, “Is that why you don’t talk sometimes? Because you’re scared and you think no one will listen?”

He sighed putting the book down seeming so tiny surrounded by my pillows and blankets as he looked at me, “No one listens. I cry and tell him that…” his voice breaking as he trailed off as his little chin started trembling with the tears he was trying to hide, to hold onto, “It tickles and it…”

“It’s ok bud,” I said coming over and climbing into bed with him, cuddling him, “I know. It’s ok bud. He doesn’t listen to me either. He never has. I don’t think he ever will. It’s ok to be sad and scared. I know I keep telling you that and I’m sorry but, I’m not sure there’s anything else to say. We all want mum back so bad and John and I we…I know you’re little and there are so many things that…”

“It’s ok Willy,” Jay told me, “I remember what you said. That we needed to stop protecting each other before it happens. You don’t have to be sorry you can’t stop him. Not as long as you help make it feel better after he’s gone.”

Hearing him say that made me want to scream. That he had to understand something like that when he was only six. That his life was so dark at six he needed to understand that John and I couldn’t always stop da from doing that to him, from touching him, hurting him. The idea that he had accepted that making me feel sick. Making me wish I wasn’t such a failure at keeping them safe. Me nodding my head before I kissed the top of his head.

“I’ll always help you feel better after he leaves,” I promised, “I’ll be back. I’m going to go heat up my food and then come back ok? It’s 6:30 so I might help Alice put the babies down but, then I’ll be back.”

“Ok Willy. I’ll stay here and read. I love you,” he told me.

“I love you too, bud,” I told him grabbing my soup and walking away shutting the door behind me.

When I turned around I was surprised to see Mike there watching me holding Mac him sighing at me, “Is he ok?”

“He...,” I trailed off shrugging my shoulders.

“I think Uncle Ben is…,” Mike bit his bottom lip his cheeks flushing pink.

“Is…he...he here?” I asked him.

“No, but Matty said that he wanted to teach us. I heard him say it. I don’t know if that means tonight or…,” he said shaking his head.

“I’m sorry, pal,” I told him, “I don’t…at least Da is busy it seems like.”

“You mean he has John. Willy?” he asked me as Mac started squirming becoming upset at being held for so long.

“Yeah, Pal?” I asked him.

“You need to try and get Da to leave John alone even if it’s only for a little while,” he told me, “If he’s really doing that bad then we need to try to help him. I’m not sure Matty will help but he’s trying. He told me his head feels like two people. He’s so mad about it. He’s not meaning to be but…”

“Hey, it’s ok Mike,” I tried to assure him, “I’ll deal with John ok? You try to just worry about you.”

“And the babies?” he questioned.

“Alice will worry about the babies,” I told him.

“Alice isn’t here at night,” he told me, “He scares me, Willy. Da, he’s…I think he wants to hurt them like Matty does. I mean Matty only wants to sometimes but…”

“Wait, you told me Matty only…,” I trailed off.

“It’s coming back. He’s mad at himself because, he…but it’s coming back. Why do you think he hasn’t talked to you or John? He knows you’ll be mad too and he doesn’t know what to do. He told Uncle Ben and Uncle Ben told him to talk to Da. That maybe Da would let him help teach Andy. He didn’t like that. He doesn’t want to hurt him but his brain keeps telling him to. He needs to talk to someone.”

That did make sense. Why he’d gone from being somewhat decent to being a little shit again. Why anything that seemed to come out of his mouth was crass and rude. He was mad at everything. Mad at being back at not being able to control his thoughts, his impulses. At probably Uncle Ben and Da. I wanted to understand it but I couldn’t. I couldn’t understand it. 

Why would he want to do that? Why did his brain think that was ok? I wanted to know why but, I knew there wasn’t an answer. That it would always be like that for him. That it would be something he would always have to fight. That was there because of Da. Because of Da and his brain. The idea of him being angry giving me hope. Hope that maybe he wouldn’t hurt them despite what Uncle Ben and Da were trying to teach him. That they were telling him it was ok.

I wasn’t sure there was anything I could do about Matty. I had everyone else I had to worry about. Me looking at Mike and sighing, “Why don’t you put him down? Alice will be putting them to bed soon so just let him run around. I’ll keep an eye out.”

“You promise?” Mike asked me his eyes serious.

“Yeah, what’s…?” I said him cocking his head towards the living room. Towards Matty.

“Ah,” I said nodding my head in understanding.

Mike always claimed he could see inside Matty’s head see what he was thinking. Apparently, whatever he was thinking which I was sure I didn’t want to know what that was, was about Mac. Mac taking off down the hallway the opposite direction of that living room and kitchen and running to the playroom and music room at the other end of the house.

“Well, I’m going to go pop this in the microwave. Why don’t you go do whatever it was you were going to do and I’ll go fetch him in just a minute,” I told Mike.

“I’m going to go shower,” Mike muttered waving his hand at me as he walked away towards his bedroom.

I went into the kitchen and put my bowl in the microwave turning around to start down the hallway towards Mac when Alice came out of the nursery making me frown. I thought she had been in the living me my brain going there before I asked, “Where’s…?”  
“Living room. I’ve only been gone a few minutes. Mike’s with him,” Alice told me.

“Mike just went to go shower,” I said.

“They’ll be fine Matty is with them,” she said.

“Matty is…go get them,” I said hurrying down the hallway.

I wasn’t trying to be rude but, he really didn’t need to be alone near anyone especially when Mike was afraid he was going to hurt someone. If anyone knew what type of mood Matty was in I was sure it was Mikey. Me hurrying down the hall to find Mac my heart nearly leaping out of my chest when I walked back there.

“Uncle Ben?” I asked him where he was sitting on the ground with Mac in his lap, Mac just wearing his diaper as I played with a puzzle on the floor in front of them.

“Don’t worry. I can’t do anything to him,” Uncle Ben said tickling the back of Mac’s neck making him giggle, “Isn’t that right little one? Say I belong to Daddy. I love my Daddy…,” he said smiling as he continued to tickle him his hands moving down Mac’s sides as he Mac giggled at him.

“What are you doing?” I asked him.

“Waiting for my two favorite boys,” he said shrugging his shoulders.

“I thought I was your favorite boy,” I said looking at him.

“You were. Maybe you still would be baby if…,” he looked at me, “They’ll be plenty of time for all of that once you're better. Once you’re not with him anymore.”

“Why is he not wearing anything?” I asked pointing at Mac.

“I was just looking at him,” he told me, “He still has his diaper on. I didn’t take that off. Sometimes it’s nice to look.”

“There’s nothing to look at,” balked at him, “He’s …he’s one year old.”

Uncle Ben shrugged his shoulders, “You want him?”

“Are you going to hurt him?” I asked.

“I just told you he was Daddy’s boy,” he said, “For now. Are you asking if I want to? Because you know I have a soft spot for the little ones.”

“You say that yet you come after me,” I told him.

“For now. You’re fun. I don’t even understand why but you’re fun,” he told me his eyes raking my frame.

“Mac, come here monkey,” I said to him to which he stood up waddling towards me.

I moved forward quickly scooping him up before Uncle Ben could stop me. Could grab him. Me moving away from him before Uncle Ben stood up and yelled.

“MIKE! MICHAEL GET OUT HERE!” Uncle Ben shouted so loud Mac started crying.

“Uncle Ben could you just…”

“NO! No, and you know there is nothing you can say so, keep your mouth shut,” Uncle Ben said Matty coming down the hallway, “Where is he?”

“Shower,” Matt answered shrugging his shoulders, “He knew you’d want to so he decided to take a shower. Is this a lesson?”

“It’s a private one,” Uncle Ben said, “Maybe you can join us tomorrow. I’m going to go check on him. You do what your brother tells you, be good and remember what your Da said.”

“Yeah, I know,” Matty said as Uncle Ben walked over to him, hugging him before they kissed.

They kissed not like you’re supposed to kiss your family members but what Da liked to tell us were “real love” kisses. They French kissed the sight turning my stomach making me feel the bile rise in my throat as I grabbed Mac and quickly walked away not wanting to see that.

That was just nasty. There wasn’t any reason for them to do that. Matty being the one that had initiated the kiss. Me walking away with Mac to the nursery knocking on the door and handing him over to Alice.

“Where are his clothes?” she asked me.

“Ask my Uncle,” I said, “Alice you need to watch them. That’s what you’re here for. Matty is dangerous and Uncle Ben is dangerous. Don’t leave him alone again.”

“I’m sorry,” she said before I slammed the door in her face. 

She probably finished putting him down before she came out of the nursery looking at me where I was sitting eating my stew. It was the end of her shift. Da having changed it already to have her work an extra hour. Long enough to get the younger kids in bed and tucked away before she left. Her sitting down next to me on the stool.

“You were short with me today,” she told me her eyes telling me she meant business.

Did I feel guilty about snapping at her? Yes, I did. But I was tired. There were so many things going on. It wasn’t like Uncle Ben to undress one of them. Or to even hang out upstairs if he wasn’t tormenting me or John. Or possibly Mike. No one had known he was even there. The only thing I could do was thank God James hadn’t left my room otherwise who knew what type of hell would have ended up breaking loose. How badly things would have gone his screaming and shrieking would have attracted Uncle Ben’s attention in a bad way. A way that would have put me or Mike or someone else in the middle. In a way that would have ended up with someone getting hurt. Getting hurt badly.

“I’m sorry. One of us should have known. I was more angry with myself,” I told her.

“That your Uncle was here?” she asked.

I nodded my head her sighing as she looked at me.

“There are things your Daddy is paying me to look away from. He’s one of them. I won’t let him touch those babies. Should I have known he was here? Yes, yes, I should have and it won’t happen like that again but, you must understand sugar there are a lot of you that I must watch and take care of,” she told me.

“I know that. When we were in Montana it was me. It was me until…,” I trailed off.

Until I trusted Carmen. Until I trusted Bob. With John being gone and mum working it had been me and them. The only free moments I got before John came home being my mornings fishing with…with Beau. I understood how hard it was to take care of all of them and do other things and she was right the past couple of days I hadn’t really been helping her any. I’d either been in bed because I was too sore to move or I’d been coddling Jay. Trying to keep him from losing his mind while I watched John go insane. John, lose his grip on reality, lose his hope.

“I didn’t know that,” she sighed, “Your Daddy didn’t tell me that. Is that why you and John keep disappearing on me? Besides the other stuff going on? Because you two need a vacation?”

“I’m scared,” I told her, admitted to her again, “He was really bad earlier Alice. Really bad.”

“I know sugar,” she told me, “That’s why I talked to Arthur. He knows I used to watch his boy. That I was…he was one of mine for a time. He’ll accept me. He’ll listen to what I say and I know. I won’t say anything to anyone about it but I remember that look. They mean something to each other.”

“It’s going to get them…”

“Not necessarily. Not if they follow the rules. Once they turn 18 they can’t stop those boys from seeing each other and they won’t. Until then they’ll just have to wait. I think they’ll be ok though. Even though Pat has never been a really smart one,” she told me.  
“No, he’s smart just not when it comes to John,” I said, “I don’t know Alice. He was bad and I’m scared that…there’s something he’s not telling me.”

“Well,” Alice said, “Cole told me there’s something he thinks John needs to know. He asked me if he should say something to you. I told him I would. He didn’t tell me what it is your keeping from your brother but right now would not be the time to tell him.”

“He doesn’t know,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “About stuff. It would just make him worse.”

“I used to work with Mr. Lord and Miss Larkin,” she told me, “I used to watch Teddy.”

“I know,” I said quietly.

“I understand what he’s like. Cole told me he was…”

I must have shivered or something because she stopped talking sighing at me, “It’s ok sugar. I won’t ask you what happens. I’ve never asked Cole and Teddy and I won’t ask you but I want you to know that I understand it’s hard. I understand what type of man he is and I understand why you don’t want to tell Johnathan about it. Just know that one day after your mama is back and you are starting to do better I think you should. Ok?” she told me.

“I was going to,” I said staring at nothing, “And then…”

“Well, how about you make sure that everyone that’s here is in bed and you go get yourself some more rest. You always look so worn out. Is it everything going on? How are you doing? Are you taking care of yourself too?” She asked me.

“I’m fine,” I lied, “It’s just…it’s everything. Thank you, Alice. I’m sorry I was mean to you.”

“apologies accepted,” She said, “I’m heading home now. I’m pretty sure Matty in his room. The babies should be good until I get back in the morning so you go on to sleep.”

“Goodnight Alice,” I said as she got up walking to the lift and pushing the button.

She left and I went to my room. When I opened the door, I found him sleeping the book open on his chest that was rising and falling softly the lamp still on. I decided to get some of my clothes together before turning out the light. I took a quick shower and went to sleep. 

I remember waking up as tired as I had felt the night before. By some miracle, I managed to coax James from my room and the day was mostly quiet Matty playing video games until he had made some sort of comment as Shay had started crying causing me to send him to his room. I didn’t feel like dealing with any of it. Any of them. Cat did escape. I remember that going downstairs. I wish I could say I remembered talking to him but everything, before I went to sleep that night, is a blur. Probably because I was so tired and so worried Mike not leaving his room. Me having succeeded in getting one of them to come out only for the other to decide that staying in seclusion seemed like a good solution to having Uncle Ben or Da bother them, touch them.

That night I managed to talk James into sleeping in his closet fort we had spent the afternoon making. I was thankful to have my bed to myself to be able to sleep alone for once. Because it seemed like there was always someone else crammed into my twin bed with me instead of me having room to myself.

I had a strange dream that night. I still remember it so vividly it almost felt real. Like it was really happening. John and I were outside playing. Catching anoles like we used to. I reached out my hand for one and noticed my hands were small hands, small like Jays and I looked back to John who smiled at me. His face was younger too a lot younger. He couldn’t have been older than seven or eight. Meaning I was around five or six.

“Look over there!” he said laughing as he pointed in the direction before taking off running.

I tried to follow him my little legs not moving fast enough to catch up, him coming to an edge of something and then the ground under us shook. Me still not close enough, close enough to reach him my heart pounding. Me reaching for him because I was scared. The world opening between us, under our feet a rift breaking the earth open. A river of fire showing below it. Molten lava. He looked at me terrified reaching out for my hand before the ground shook again before…”

I gasped sitting up. My whole body felt like it was shaking me trying to calm myself down, turning to look at the clock it was 2 am. Everyone should have been asleep. I wondered if Da had let John go. If he was upstairs. I don’t know what made me do it. What made me decide to check and see if he was upstairs but I did. Opening my bedroom door to notice that there was a light on in John’s room.

It wasn’t his bedroom light but his bathroom light but I didn’t hear him or hear the water running. It was weird something inside me going cold as I looked as I went into his room whispering his name. The bathroom door wasn’t fully open but was cracked me going up to it and knocking it before I saw his reflection in the mirror.

I would have thought he had fallen asleep in the tub if it hadn’t been for the water. It looked almost pink and he was pale. Too pale. His lips blue like he was cold.

“John?!” I said opening the door looking at him.

I remember everything feeling slow. I wasn’t sure…I didn’t want to believe what I was seeing. The rose-colored pinkish water sloshing around as I went up to him, as I shook his shoulder to wake him up.

“JOHN!?” I questioned louder, “JOHN! JOHN WAKE UP! WAKE THE FUCK UP! WAKE UP!” I screamed at him not sure what to do running to the kitchen pulling down the phone.

“Hello 911, what is your emergency?” some woman asked in an almost cheerful voice.

“My…my…mybrother,” I tried, “I think he’s dead. I think…”

“Ok, can you tell me your address?” she asked me calmly.

“1457 Summerville lane,” I said, “he’s…. it’s his fault. He did it. He did it and it’s his fault.”

“Ok, ok honey how about you tell me how old you are?” she asked me the phone beeping before a voice interrupted us.

“Hello? Who is awake?”

“Sir, ok honey is this your Dad?” she asked me.

“Who is up go to sleep and why are you on the phone?”

“Da he…. he’s dead,” I said before I started breaking down.

“Who? William who?! WHO IS DEAD!? TELL ME JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I’M COMING UPSTAIRS NOW!!!”

“Is that your name?” the operator asked as the lift kicked on, “William?”

“Yes,” I managed just barely.

“Can you tell me what’s going on? What happened who do you think is dead?” she coaxed me to keep talking Da coming upstairs.

“JOHNATHAN! JOHNATHAN!” Da screamed the babies starting to whale as he ran past me down the hall him letting out a wordless whale as he found him. As he found his body.

“My brother he killed himself,” I managed.

“Why do you think he killed himself?” she asked me, “I have the police on the way they’re going to be there soon but why do you think he’s dead?”

“He’s…the water is pink and he’s …his lips are blue and he’s…he wouldn’t wake up. Why…why did…it’s his fault it’s all his fault.”

“Ok can you tell me who is at fault for what?” she asked me.

“No, I ….,” I said Da coming out of the bathroom carrying him. He was wet, naked. Not moving Matty and everyone had woken up.

“Matty, get them back in their rooms,” Da said setting John the floor, “It’s ok baby. It’s ok…you’re going to be ok.”

He said that rubbing John’s face blood and water dripping onto the floor me noticing his arm for the first time. The gash was probably 3 inches wide all the way up his forearm to his elbow. The blood not clotting. Him bleeding heavily.

“MATTY GET THEM TO THEIR ROOMS!” Da screeched, “You still…oh god,” he said feeling John’s neck his hands shaking as he came over to me, “Give me the phone, call tell your Uncle he needs to let the paramedics in. GO! He still has a pulse you need to hurry. He’s still breathing and he still has a pulse just…please…please save my son. Please save my baby.”

“Willy,” Jay asked me stepping out into the hallway. 

Matty wasn’t moving. The babies were in cribs screaming. Violently screaming and yet everything felt so slow. Matty staring blankly at Da, Da who had taken the phone as far as he could towards him.

“GOD DAMN IT MATTY! WILL GET THEM IN THEIR ROOMS!” Da yelled at us again.

It felt surreal. My brother was dying. John was dying and it…we all knew whose fault it was. He was dying. Probably faster than the ambulance could get there. He was probably already dead.

Uncle Ben hit the com it crackling as he swore into it, “Why the fuck are there people banging on the door downstairs Connor?”

“ANSWER HIM! TELL HIM TO LET THEM IN AND UPSTAIRS NOW!” Da screamed.

I hit the button I knew the words were coming out of my mouth that it was my voice, “John’s dead. You need to let them in,” I told him.

“HE’S NOT FUCKING DEAD GET CAT AND JAMES IN THEIR FUCKING ROOMS NOW!” Da screamed again me going over, something inside me unfreezing as I grabbed Cat picking her up, throwing her over my shoulder before grabbing Jay’s arm and pulling them into my room shutting the door behind me and climbing into bed with them pulling them to me.

“What’s wrong with John. Is he really…dead? Is he dead Willy?” Catty said before she started howling Jay already sobbing wordlessly.

“I don’t know. I don’t know,” I told them hugging them, “I’m sorry I don’t know. I don’t know. Why. Why? Why? I don’t know. I’m so sorry guys. I’m so sorry. I don’t know. I…”

There was knock on my door It was uncle Ben wearing a bathrobe and a pair of PJ pants, “Will, come on I need you, we need you. Mike go on, go in there, sit with them.” Uncle Ben said grabbing me gently by the arm and pulling me out of my room as Mikey wiped vigorously at his eyes nodding his head and going into my bedroom.

“This is the kid who found him?” some weird uniformed officer asked me.

I looked over watching them work on him numbly. He had these buttons round rubber buttons on his chest. Someone had put a tube down his throat and there was a bag they were squeezing. The other police officer talking to Da. Asking him questions too as the Paramedics strapped him to a board and then picked him up strapping him to a thing with wheels a gurney that two more paramedics had brought up. Loading him up. Taking him away.

“Son, I need you to look at me,” the officer told me, “My name is Joe, can you tell me what happened? I know you’re in shock but it’s important to tell me what happened. What did you see?”

“I…the water was pink,” mumbled, “It didn’t look right. It he…”

“Ok, take your time. Let’s start at the beginning. What woke you up? Did you hear something that maybe woke you? Because I’m assuming you were asleep is that correct?”

I nodded my head numbly, “A dream. I had a dream and…I something. I don’t know. I went to go see if he was ok. The water was pink and his lips were blue. He…he was so pale and I he didn’t move when I called his name. He …and the water was so pink. So, I tried to wake him up and he didn’t. So, I called. I called 911.”

“Ok son, you did a good job,” the officer told me, “You did a good job.”

“I think I’m going to call Alice or maybe Hank,” Uncle Ben muttered beside me.

“Hank? What’s Hank’s last name?” Officer Joe asked.

“Kingly,” he said.

“He works the special crimes unit just got promoted to Detective. Why would you call him?” Officer Joe asked.

“His daughter used to be my brother's nanny,” Uncle Ben said, “Maybe if we can’t get their current Nanny to come in they’ll he’ll be able to get her to help out because I mean look at my brother he’s…”

“I understand. There’s only you two to watch them currently?” Officer Joe asked him.

“Right, their mom is having some mental health issues so she’s currently not around and if she was it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to leave them alone with her and her mental state anyway so yeah it’s him and me. They do have a nanny that comes in to help every day from 7 am to about 7 pm. So maybe, hopefully, she’ll come and just sit while they go back to sleep, the kids.”

“And you said there were 10 of them other than the oldest?” Officer Joe said.

“Yes, this is the second oldest,” he said touching my shoulder making me flinch.

Just then Da walked over, “He’s not dead. He’s not dead they don’t know…huh, I have to go…I’m going to.”

“Yeah,” Uncle Ben said nodding his head, “Go on. I’ll follow in a little while. Bring you some clothes.”

“Thanks,” he said, “I’m…” Da pointed going into the lift and going down.

“Can you tell me why you think he did this?” Officer Joe asked him.

“I can’t give you an honest answer I can only guess. When their mom went off the walls she took them. She thought Connor was abusing them and letting me abuse them. So, she took them away and they were gone for eight months. It took us forever to find them. She was living in a three-bedroom trailer in Montana working two jobs and not even making ends meet. There wasn’t any food in the house, it was dirty. Unkept. I was surprised that the water and electric were actually running. John was having problems before that. My brother had just found out about it before she took them away, he was drinking heavily. He’s 13-years-old and his mother was hiding the fact that he’s an alcoholic from my brother. The kid was obviously depressed or something. That’s probably why he did it,” Uncle Ben lied.

I mean when they had come yeah, the house had been dirty but it hadn’t been that dirty. There probably wasn’t a lot of food in the house but that was because we needed to go grocery shopping which was something mum did once a week on her way home from work because it was easier that way. So, while it wasn’t a complete lie the house wasn’t that horribly dirty.

“You think his mom knew?” Officer Joe asked him.

“Yeah, I do. He admitted and so did she that she sent him to rehab. So, yeah. They have problems. They love each other they do. I think it was just…I think the doctor diagnosed her with post-partum psychosis. She became delusional. It’s been really difficult for the kids being back after all of that,” Uncle Ben said.

“So, you think it was just the stress because there are several…” Officer Joe started to ask.

“He didn’t look like that when they left. Those scars and bruises or whatever those are new. I haven’t seen any of those before,” he lied.

“Ok, thank you. We’re going to be going now. I’m sorry this happened. We’ll let you know what we find but to me, it sounds like a very clear suicide attempt. So, if we have any more questions we’ll call you.”

“Thank you, officer. I have another phone call to make,” Uncle Ben said shaking the officers hand him taking the lift down.

He waited until he heard it stop downstairs until everything had gone silent. Him looking at me. Looking at me like that. Like he wanted…

“Uncle Ben…,” I tried standing up and shaking my head.

“Not you,” he said, “Why don’t you go get the twins for me? Tell them I want to see them.”

I felt numb. Too numb to fight. Almost too numb to stick up for them.

“Our brother just tried to kill himself,” I told him, “Leave it alone. Please.”

“You’ll owe me,” he said looking at me.

“I know,” I told him quietly.

“Ok then,” he said, “Go on. Go to sleep.”

“Night,” I said numbly.

I walked past my bed going into my closet pulling down some extra pillows and blankets from the top little bodies joining me as I laid down. No one saying anything, them curling up with me. All four of them. Even Matty and we went to sleep probably from pure exhaustion.


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will wakes up the next morning hoping the night before was all just a horrible nightmare. The thought that is brother tried to abandon him making him feel discombobulated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 105 to 134. I had to split this into two chapters because it was a long one and there's a lot going on. This poor kid is so close to attempting suicide as well it's not even funny. His emotions and hormones are going haywire. **Warnings: puberty, Talk of consensual sex, anxiety, mental health issues, talk of suicide attempt, crying, talk of sexual abuse, self-injury** This has no corresponding chapter in John's POV because John is pretty much in a coma. Yes, John was that close to dying that his brain shut down and made him comatose.

I don’t know what I expected the next morning when Alice woke us up. I don’t know if I expected to find John home in bed, or downstairs, to find that it was all a dream or for Alice to tell us he was dead. That she had been called in the middle of the night because our older brother had killed himself or what. But what I ended up waking to felt surreal. Me waking to a small knock on my bedroom door surrounded by little bodies. Mike, Matt, James and Cat all piled around me Alice sighing as she peeked in to my closet.

“Come on kids I made you pancakes for breakfast. Derek is here today to help out,” she told me stifling a yawn.

“Do you think that’s a good idea?” I asked her barely above a whisper as Jay shifted in his sleep in my arms.

“Your Uncle and Daddy are gone for the day. Ain’t nothing going happen. Besides I figured maybe you could use some alone time. He’ll keep them busy if that’s what you need,” she told me.

“I just want him to be ok,” I said before my eyes started to burn.

I wanted him to be ok. It was a selfish thought but, I needed him to be ok and he had looked very far from ok when the EMT’s and put him in the lift on that stretcher. He had looked like he was already dead. I had thought he was until either Da or one of the EMT’s had shouted out that he was breathing. That he was still alive even though I couldn’t remember who had said it.

“Well you come with me I’ll tell you what I know,” Alice said nodding her head at me.

I sighed. I wasn’t sure I wanted to leave them. If it was good news then she wouldn’t be making me leave the room to tell me what she knew about his condition but I needed to know. I needed to know if he was alive even if it was bad. Or if…if he was never coming home.

I untangled myself slowly Cat and Jay filling in the empty warm spot where my body was lying just seconds before as I got up and went out into the hallway shutting the door behind us.

“So, tell me how he is? Did you hear anything from Da yet?” I asked her.

“He called earlier the morning around five. He said he’s stable. That he lost a fair amount of blood but that things look promising even though he’s in the ICU for right now. However, he seems to have strong brain and heart function,” Alice told me causing me to sigh in relief, “I’m sorry about this Will. I think some of it might be my fault. I said something I probably shouldn’t have. And now he’s…that poor child,” Alice muttered.

“I doubt it,” I said, “It’s Da. That’s the only thing that really would have ever…” I trailed off.

“I can’t tell you if he’ll be ok but, I know he loves you. I know John loves all of you very much. I’m sure there was a lot going on in his head that made him believe it was a good idea.”

“I’m not sure about that,” I answered shaking my head as we walked down the hallway me hearing snoring coming from the living room figuring it was Derek sleeping on our couch because it was still fairly early in the morning, “I don’t believe he was thinking. I think he was just tired. That he wanted it to stop so he tried to stop it. Forever.”

“Well your Daddy said he would call every couple of hours and check in. Give us an update,” she told me,

“Did he say anything about mum?” I asked her.

“No,” she said shaking her head, “I’m sorry he didn’t however your Uncle is out of the house for a couple of days from what I understand he didn’t say how long however.”

“We’ll make the most of it then,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “Do you think I should wake them up now?”

“The food is ready,” she told me, “If you want to wake them up. At least today we don’t have to worry about nothing but keeping those babies distracted from worrying about John.”

“Right,” I said nodding my head, “I’ll wake them up.”

I turned around and went back into my bedroom all their little faces staring at me as they wiped the sleep from their eyes. Eyes that still looked too tired and to lost to be awake. That looked like they weren’t ready to face the day. Not without him. Not without knowing he was ok.

“Willy,” Mike muttered quietly…, “Is he…?”

“Alice said he’s in critical care but he’s alive,” I said answering the question before he could finish it.

I knew they would have to talk about it. Even if we didn’t want to it was a reality we had to face. John had tried to take his life. My older brother, my protector, our protector had tried to take his life.

I didn’t have to wonder why. I understood it. Why he wanted everything to just stop but, it still hurt. It hurt that he would rather leave us alone to deal with Da and Uncle Ben, leave me to deal with Lionel when I had trouble facing that reality myself. The one where we were back and trapped in that fucking place. That place where mostly we just wished we could scream and knowing there was no point to it. That even if someone cared there wasn’t anything they could do to stop it.

They all knew that. Even James, I was sure knew that. And it sucked. It was a horrible feeling. Knowing that eventually everything I did wouldn’t be enough. That Da would hurt everyone. No matter what John and I ever managed to do to keep it from happening in the moment it would only be enough until the next time.

“Willy?” Mike asked me his voice still sounding tired, numb.

“Yeah pal,” I said getting down and crawling back into the pile Mike moving over slightly creating a space between him and James Matty and Cat on James’ other side Matty hugging her a little bit in his confusion and sadness everyone looking at me as I cuddled Mike in my arms.

“Why was there all that blood? What happened? What happened to Jack?” he asked me.

It felt like my stomach being stomped on. I had almost forgotten in the all confusion that he hadn’t heard anything of what was really going on. Only seen Da pull him out of his bathroom naked and limp water dripping down the hallway floor into the living room where Da had been holding him screaming and sobbing until the paramedics arrived tiny sobs still escaping from Da as they had worked on him. Da yelling at Matty and I to get everyone back into the bedrooms, to get them out of the way.  
“Well, you know how we used to talk about how John was really sad all the time and that…,” 

James interrupted me, “How his special drinks made him tired but it helped him not feel so sad?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “He hasn’t had one of his special drinks in a long time and what Da does, to us and to him it makes him really sad. Really really sad. And I think he just got so sad…,” I had to pause trying to calm myself down, trying to keep myself from crying. Telling myself I had to be strong for them giving myself a minute before I continued, “I think he got so sad that he just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.”

“You mean be with my twins?” James asked me, “I told mummy I wanted to be with my twins once but she said that I have to wait. That I’ll see them again for real one day but that it won’t be for a very long time because God gets to decide when I see them again.”

“Yeah bud. Like that.”

“Mummy said that God gets to decide when I see them though because they live with God in heaven. So why did John get to decide he gets to go be with them?” James asked.

“Bud, I don’t think that’s what John was thinking about,” Matty said quietly, “You know what …Da does. That it hurts you guys. It hurts John too. I think he just wanted to not hurt anymore.”

“I think Matty is right,” I said nodding my head in agreement, “Because you know what Heaven is like. There’s no pain there. No sadness. Because you’re with God and he takes care of you. Because it’s such a good place. John wanted to be with God and your twins because he knows that he’d be taken care of. That he wouldn’t have to hurt anymore. So, he tried…he tried to go be with God.”

“It’s ok Willy,” Matty said climbing over James and Cat to get to us, “It’s ok.”

“It’s not,” I said before I started crying, “It’s not ok. It’s…. it’s not ok. I need him it’s not ok.”

“It’ll be ok,” Matty said me wanting to believe this wasn’t an act. That it was really him as Mike too hugged me, “It will be you’ll see. You even just said he’s still here. God said it wasn’t his time. It’ll be ok.”

It would never be ok. I was sure of that. It had never been ok to begin with so how could it suddenly be ok now? None of it was going to be ok. It was only going to get worse. Matt and Mike hugging me in-between them, comforting me as I cried before they both jumped.

“It’s time to eat kids, come on the food is getting cold,” Alice said after knocking on the door again sighing sadly as she looked at us, “Come on babies. You all must eat. I made chocolate chip pancakes. We’ll stay in today watch movies. Ok?”

“I’m coming, Alice,” James said quietly grabbing Catty’s hand and dragging her with him.

“Come on boys. I need to talk to Willy alone,” Alice said nodding at Mike and Matt as Mike kissed my cheek before him and Matt too got up and left the room.

Alice sad down on my bed sighing, “Come here sugar I’m much too old to bend down and cuddle you on the floor of your closet and I can tell you need some hugs.”

She was right I did. I did need a hug but I wanted it from John or mum. Not her but she was all I had me standing up and walking over to her not able to stop crying as she pulled me into her lap and rocked me, “There there sugar. Let it out. Cry it out. I know it was so scary. I know. It’s scary to see someone you love hurt like that. It’ll be ok though. I’ll make sure everyone is taken care of ok? Derek and I will make sure everything is ok.”

“It’s not ok,” I said after wiping away my tears, “He did it because of Da. Because of…,” I trailed off not able to contain my sobs anymore.

“I know but that’s not on you. He wasn’t thinking about any of that. He just wanted it to stop,” Alice whispered in my ear rocking me like a mom would rock her child, “I know. I’m sorry I can’t do anything. But I understand. And he’s going to need you to understand too. That it wasn’t about you babies. He wasn’t thinking about you. So, try not to hold it against him. It won’t be easy not too, but try. Derek has an idea of what’s going on. He wanted to come. You want to know some stuff about Derek?”

I nodded my head hoping hearing about her son would take my mind off things. Off where John was. Off the fact that it was Friday again me feeling lucky that Lionel had said I could have a break until I had healed. Until my body had healed. Nothing seemed worth being alive that day besides knowing that. Knowing that he wasn’t going to be coming to rape me. Everything else made the day feel worthless. Like shit.

Most of the day was spent cuddling up until Lunchtime until the phone rang. Me realizing I hadn’t called them. That I hadn’t told them. Racing to grab the phone before Alice or Derek could. Derek who had spent a fair amount of time playing princess tea party only dawning a fancy formal tea hat and some eyeshadow to make Cat happy. I honestly thought that was awesome. I hated wearing eyeshadow and I was 11. I could only imagine how much it probably bothered him since he was 16. However, he seemed to be a real sport about it even putting on a fake accent and letting Laura sit in his lap as he sipped water pretending it was tea from little plastic cups. I honestly hadn’t seen Cat that happy since we had gotten back. Them actually chatting about a “fashion show” of some kind like whatever it was, had been a real thing that was going to occur.

I swallowed before I answered the phone putting it up to my ear, “Hello?”

“Hey Will, is r…John there,” Pat said sounding breathless my heart stopping.

“Can you and Cole come over?” I asked not wanting to say it over the phone. Not wanting to hear him screaming into the receiver as I told him.

I felt something change. It wasn’t even really his voice but he must have sensed whatever it was I didn’t want to say it over the phone because he asked.

“Is everything ok?”

I wasn’t sure how to answer that. Da had called around noon which had to have been about an hour before Pat called and told us he was still critical over the speaker. That he hadn’t woken up and the doctors weren’t sure if…if he was going to yet. That they weren’t sure if he would live but that once they were done with the blood transfusions they were hopeful he would be fine. Da said he had lost half his blood volume which was why the water was such a deep pink, almost red. Why his breathing had slowed down so much his lips were tinted blue. Because he really had almost died. He had almost bled to death. 

Dad didn’t tell us over the phone at the time but I learned later from reading Da’s emails to Lionel and someone else that if that dream hadn’t of woken me, or if I had woken up 20 minutes later. I wouldn’t have had an older brother anymore. Pat calling me bringing the thought of where he was and why he was there back to the forefront of my brain. Away from Mary and Seamus who I had been keeping a close eye on all morning to distract myself.

“Will, put John on the phone. You’re scaring me,” Pat said.

“Pat you and Cole need to come over ok?” I said trying to stay calm as I heard Pat’s voice sound like he was panicking.

“I want you to tell me why you can’t put him on the phone,” Pat said his voice commanding.

“I don’t …” I started to say before Alice grabbed the phone from me giving me an apologetic look.

“Pat sugar it’s Alice,” Alice said, “Yes, I know. I know you call each other just about every day but if you want to talk to John you’re going have to come over all right? You can’t do it over the phone today. Either Will or I will explain when you and Cole get here. Yes, Cole too. Yes, ok. Will will be downstairs. Yep, see you soon.”

She hung up the phone and sighed looking at me, “You want me to sit them down and tell them or do you want to do it?”

Did I want to tell my brother's boyfriend he had almost killed himself last night? Did I want to tell him that I had found him? No, no I didn’t. He deserved to know though. He deserved to hear about it. He should have heard about it earlier that morning when everyone’s brains were still reeling but it had slipped our minds. I was honestly surprised Da hadn’t called Hank or that Hank hadn’t somehow heard about it.

“You should go downstairs,” Alice said quietly squeezing my shoulder in an assuring way, “Tell them someplace without the babies.”

I nodded my head exhaling deeply before I stepped onto the lift. I was so thankful that Uncle Ben had left. I had no doubt that whatever was going on didn’t matter to him. That if he wanted sex he’d find a way to take it. Whether it was from me or Mike or Matt who seemed like he was almost training to be his partner in crime. If he was there he would have taken it from one of us and that was the best outcome with Da not in the house.

When I got off the lift I could hear someone pounding at the back door me running to get it and hearing muffled yelling from the other side as I opened it.

“…sure, he’s fine. Ok? There could be a million things going on. We don’t know…, hey Will what’s up?” Cole asked as I opened the door Pat’s eyes wet like he was crying.

He already knew something was wrong. Just like I had thought. He was already so sure something bad had happened.

“Hey, can you two come in and sit down?” I asked them.

“What did he do? What did Connor do?” Pat asked as he walked in past me and sat down at the table.

“I should have called you guys the morning just…I was so tired and last night was…” I shook my head.

“Will you need to spit it out before he loses it. I’m not trying to be mean but if something bad happened you need to let him know now so he doesn’t start punching walls,” Cole said.

“Well, John tried to kill himself last night,” I told them Cole’s mouth falling open.

“WILL!?” Pat shouted shaking his head, “You told me you would…”

“What try and watch him while you weren’t here? I did. I tried. He …Da…,” I tried making an agitated sound in the back of my throat.

“Just go slow,” Cole said, “Tell us what happened. Ok? We know this wasn’t your fault.”

“I had a weird dream and I woke up. Da had kept him downstairs all day yesterday. I don’t know why but I went to go see if Da had let him leave, let him come back upstairs and go to his own bed. The light was on. It wasn’t his bedroom though, it was his bathroom light. The door was cracked and I saw his reflection before I saw him. He looked like he was sleeping in the tub but not all at the same time. Something looked wrong and you don’t sleep in the bathtub anyway, everyone knows that. So, I went in and I went…the water was pink almost red. His lips were blue. I shook his shoulder to rouse him, wake him up and he didn’t move. He didn’t open his eyes. He didn’t respond. So, I …I went and I called 911. Da heard the phone go off or something maybe the line blinked meaning it was active if he was in his bedroom or the office that would make sense. And he picked up the phone and heard me talking to them. I told them what…what I found. It was…,” I mumbled.

“Ok, is he ok?” Cole said Pat making a growling sound in the back of his throat before he went to go move, “PAT!” Cole said standing up quickly and grabbing him, “We don’t know anything ok? We…”

“IT’S BECAUSE OF HIM! THAT STUPID FUCK CAN’T LEAVE HIM ALONE! IT’S BECAUSE OF HIM! WE ALL KNOW IT! HE KILLED HIMSELF BECAUSE OF HIM!” Pat screamed loudly hurting my ears Cole still talking, talking under him.

“Pat we don’t know if he’s dead or not you need to calm down. He hasn’t told us anything you have to let him finish talking. Whatever happened we’ll find a way to deal with this ok? We have 10 kids we should help. Whatever happens, we have 10 kids we have to help deal with this. You know if Hank ever…if Charlie was still around you wouldn’t want him dealing with you doing something like this alone. You wouldn’t. We owe that to John whatever happened. Whatever happens and we both know it ok?”

“He can’t be dead, he…,” Pat said sobbing. Sobbing harder than he had the night John had freaked out. Me realizing that night Pat wasn’t just holding me to comfort me but to also comfort himself. Cole holding onto Pat tightly as Pat cried into his shoulder. Cole looking at me as Pat started quieting down.

“What else happened?” Cole asked me rubbing Pat’s back in a comforting gesture before kissing the top of his head. Kissing the top of his head like a brother would do.

“The EMT’s came,” I said, “Well first when Da heard me on the phone he came upstairs and started screaming when he saw him. He pulled him out of the water and dragged him down the hall waking everyone up because he was screaming and crying so hard. I think the operator could hear him clearly over the phone he was screaming so loud. The EMT’s woke uncle Ben up by banging on the front door. He came upstairs with them. They put these things on his chest, these sticky round things. They bagged him or tubed him I think they called it. Sticking a tube down his throat with a little bag attached to it that they kept squeezing.”

“Did they ever shout clear?” Cole asked looking at me.

“I don’t think so,” I said shaking my head not remembering. I wasn’t sure if they had or not. 

“Well that’s good at least,” Cole mumbled, “Did you hear anything?”

“Da called around noon he hasn’t woken up yet. He lost a lot of blood,” I said.

“What did he do?” Pat managed turning around to look at me his eyes bloodshot and wet tears still streaming down his face, “If you found him you saw whatever it was. Was it pills?”

“His wrists,” I answered closing my eyes trying not to cry as it flashed through my head, “From hand to elbow. Da’s been too hard on him. We knew…”

“Yeah, we fucking knew. I didn’t do SHIT!” Pat shouted knocking over the chair next to him.

“HEY!” Cole said grabbing Pat, pulling him back into a tight hug, “What the fuck could you have done? It’s Connor Pat. It’s Connor. You know there’s not…you know. How long have we been doing this? You’ve been doing this longer than I have. You know better than to think you could stop him. Just breathe, breathe.”

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“Don’t be sorry,” Cole said shaking his head as he held Pat, held the back of Pat’s head to his shoulder in an attempt to keep him under control, “You didn’t do anything wrong ok Will?”

“Yeah,” I said something about my tone upsetting him.

“Knock the fuck off! Both of you! You didn’t do this. You didn’t cause him to try and go and kill himself ok? We all know who did and there was nothing any of us could have done to stop it unless we wanted our asses skinned and you two both know it.  
Don’t be fucking stupid. John did it because of them and there was nothing, NOTHING! We could have done at this point to change it. Pat, you even told me that yourself. That you were afraid he was going to hurt himself and he did. Ok?

There’s nothing we could have done to stop it besides maybe tell Connor and you know what he would have done? He would have said he’d take care of it and probably done something to punish him for something that hadn’t even happened yet. And how fair would that have been? Now that would have been our faults but this wasn’t. You both know that so knock it off.”

I had never heard Cole direct his anger at me before his outbursts drying my tears. Probably not only because he had shocked me but because I knew he was right. If Da wanted something, no one could stop him from getting it. If he wanted to rape John until he was bloody there was nothing any of us could have done about it even if we tried that wouldn’t have resulted in more pain for John. Either physical or emotional. It would have just gotten worse for him.

“I just…,” Pat said before he made the most pitiful sound I had ever heard him make.

“It’s ok bub,” Cole said calling Pat and nickname I had never heard before, “It’s ok. Either way, we’ll figure this out. Will? Are you ok?”

“No,” I answered being honest and blunt. Not lying about it.” No, I’m not ok. I’m very far from ok. The only thing that is making me feel even halfway ok right now is the fact that I don’t have to see him today because he wants me healed.”

“What?” Pat barely asked me his face still buried in Cole’s shoulder barely understandable.

“Him,” I said quietly not wanting to think about it. How it was easier to say when it felt like they weren’t paying close attention. That it wasn’t a secret I was throwing out there. That it wasn’t something I should be talking about.

“Who?” Pat asked.

I wasn’t sure if his brain was blanking out because he was so stressed or what but he knew about Lionel Cole whispering something in his ear causing Pat to nod his head.

“Come here,” Pat said turn around and holding his arms open for me, to hug me.

“Why?” I asked him.

“Because he’s your brother and you need him as badly as I do,” Pat said his eyes still bloodshot tears still running down his face as I nodded my head.

“I don’t want to this anymore either. And I’m so mad at him,” I admitted.

“And it’s ok to be mad guys,” Cole said to us, “It’s ok to be mad but don’t be mad at him. Try not to be. Try to be mad at Connor ok? That’s who we should really be angry at. Not John. He was just so tired and you both know what that feels like. I know what that feels like. We can’t be mad at him for that. Not the way Connor treats him.”

“Connor treats him like a fucking puppet,” Pat muttered as he hugged me, “You guys want to go sit down somewhere more comfortable?”

I nodded my head, “Da doesn’t treat him like a puppet. He treats him like…” I trailed off.

He treated him like he wanted John to be mum. I heard the things he said to John when they were together. Those were things you said to your lover, your partner. They weren’t things you said to your kid.

Sometimes you didn’t even say them to your lover it depended on what got them off. If calling them names and talking dirty like that got them off then sure you did that but if they didn’t you respected them. He called John his cum bucket. His little cum bucket. That wasn’t something you said to your kid. That was something you said to some woman or in Da’s case since it seemed like it was what he preferred and always had, a boy or guy you were fucking. Someone who didn’t mean anything.

“Like they’re met to be together,” Cole finished for me and I nodded my head as we walked towards the living room, “We all have at least one of those. Where it’s…” Cole trailed off.

“Oh,” was all Pat said before going silent his arm still around my shoulder as we sat down on the sofa Cole wrapping his arm around my other shoulder their arms entwining behind my neck both them holding me at once.

“It’s just one more thing, isn’t it?” Cole asked him, Pat, nodding his head not saying something. Me not sure if it was ok to ask. Figuring it was something private even though I wasn’t sure what would be so private he wouldn’t say it out loud.

I knew Cole wouldn’t really say anything because it was a rule you didn’t talk about other people’s issues. Whatever they were. He would tell me when he was worried because Pat was having a hard time but he wouldn’t tell me why or what was going on with him. He would let Pat tell me that. Pat was a little looser with that rule than Cole was but he still didn’t give me real details only what he thought was safe to say. Something that he thought Cole might tell me anyway.

“I hate this. All of it,” Pat said quietly.

“Hate what?” I dared to ask.

“Gus,” Pat said, “Sometimes they get into your head so much. I told him you guys were back. He said I shouldn’t worry about it. That people who come back never do well. That something always happens. That the brain can’t process being away from the brotherhood and then coming back. That it’s almost like shell shock. Whatever that is. That a lot of boys if they do manage to get away if they don’t kill them for leaving the kid usually ends up killing themselves because they can’t deal with the reintroduction. Whatever that is.”

“Probably being raped four or five times a day,” I answered quietly.

It had felt like it was four or five times a day. If it wasn’t being sodomized it was being forced to endure oral sex or having a tongue shoved up your ass, fingers. Having a dick shoved down your throat. It was enough to drive anyone crazy. Enough to make anyone kill themselves especially when your body kept telling you that you wanted it. That even after it burned just having their hands on your skin your body still responded. You still got hard. You still…after a while, you didn’t want to have sex organs anymore. You wanted to just cut them off. Throw them away.

“A day?” Cole asked me quietly.

I nodded my head, “The day I got home it was like only once or twice but the second day it was a lot. When he came over last Friday it was a lot a lot.”

“The leader you mean?” Pat asked me and I nodded my head.

“I’m sorry,” Pat said, “I…I’m really sorry. Did you…?”

“No, we both agreed that now wouldn’t be a good time to tell him, remember?” I asked Pat.

“Right,” Pat said nodding his head. “Is it possible he found out?”

I shook my head. I still hadn’t said anything and I doubted Da would tell him considering Da knew him better than anyone else. Da was the one who had been raping him non-stop. Who was making him suicidal.

“I thought you were getting a break. That after everything last weekend you were getting a break,” Cole said.

“I am. That’s why he’s not here,” I said.

“Cole…,” Pat said looking past me over to him.

“I FUCKING KNOW!” Cole snapped, “You think I do…God! Like it’s not bad enough? I have to tell him that right now?”

What? Tell me what?

“What?” I dared to ask quietly.

“I didn’t tell you that so you could scare him,” Cole said.

“Hey, you told me because it was bothering you and you were wondering how to break it. I just gave you an opening ok?” Pat said, “Sorry. You want me to go upstairs? Check on the kids? Do they know Will?”

“Yeah, they woke up. Da screaming woke everyone up. We all slept in my closet together last night. Mike and James and Matt saw a lot. Cat I’m not sure how much she saw,” I admitted.

“Ok,” Pat said standing up, “I’ll let you guys talk.”

With that, he left the room. I wasn’t sure what Cole was going to tell me but I was pretty sure I didn’t want to hear it. That it had something to do with him. With Lionel. That it was something bad. Something he hadn’t been telling me. I sat there in silence waiting for him to say whatever it was he was going to tell me that he was sure I didn’t already know.

Cole looked at me and sighed heavily, “You do know he’s not giving you a real break, right?”

“He said he was going to let me heal,” I said looking at Cole his words making me feel sick to my stomach. Making me wonder what he met by “real break”.

“Oh, he’s going to let you heal and he’s probably giving you a break this week but, what you did it made him angry. He won’t do anal stuff but, he’s…he has a habit of…,” Cole went quiet his face must have been heating up because he used his hands to fan himself, “He huh, He’s like your Dad.”

Like my Da? I was pretty sure I understood what he meant. What he was implying.

“You mean he likes to give oral? Yeah, I noticed Cole, thanks,” I muttered.

“Well, ok then,” Cole said, “Look I know you’re having a hard time today because of everything that’s going on but, I was just trying to warn you.”

“I’ve talked to Teddy. I remember what Teddy said ok? I know. He likes it all. He likes a lot of things. He likes licking your asshole before making you clean. He like…”

“Ok, ok Will sweetie you’re shaking, you need to calm down,” Cole said putting his hands up in front of him as if to placate me.

“I’m so tired of it. I’m so tired of being a fucking toy, I’m so tired … of…”

“Ok, Will it’s ok,” Cole told me.

“He tried to leave! He doesn’t even care he tried to leave! He tried…”

“Oh kiddo, no he wasn’t trying to leave you,” Cole said hugging me pulling me into his arms, “He wasn’t trying to leave you. He was trying to leave them. He wasn’t trying to leave you guys. He wasn’t trying to leave you. He wasn’t. Trust me. It didn’t have anything to do with you.”

“I don’t want to be his, I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to…I hate it. I hate it here. I hate them and he …” I sobbed.

I thought I was done sobbing but I sobbed Cole letting me lay in his lap rubbing my shoulders as I screamed and cried. All my fear and my pain spilling out of me in a way that I had been too afraid to do where my kids could hear it. Where they could know how badly I hurt. How scared I was.

“We’ll figure this out ok? Even if it’s only the three of us we’ll figure this out,” Cole told me just letting me sob into his lap, “He didn’t mean to scare you. I’m sure he wasn’t even thinking about you. I’m sure he wishes he had though. I know if I were him I’d be kicking myself right now. Thinking about how you found me. How of all the people I had probably let down by doing that, I had let down you the most. Especially because you needed me the most.”

“He doesn’t even know,” I said hiccupping as I quiet sobbing, “He’s doesn’t even know Cole.”

“And if he did he wouldn’t have done this,” Cole told me, “Trust me. He’s a good brother. He cares about you guys more than he cares about anything.”

“That’s not true. Pat,” I said, “He cares about Pat more than he cares about anything.”

“That’s different. He might not feel like it but, he’d be able to survive without Pat. He did for seven months. You guys, you’re different. He’d never make it without you.

No one knows him better than you guys do. Pat told me yesterday all the stuff you guys talked about. How scared you were, how you told Pat that and you both agreed you’d try to keep an eye on him and make sure he didn’t do anything stupid. Pat was afraid that even between the both of you it wouldn’t be enough. Not with Connor. He just happened to be right. But trust me. John couldn’t do this without you. Hell, at this point he wouldn’t be here without you,” Cole told me.

“Why did you remind me? Remind me about him?” I asked Cole.

“Because I wasn’t sure if you knew. If Teddy had told you that stuff. When did you see him?” he asked me.

“It was before we left. At that party. That was the last time I saw him but he told me a lot of things about him. About Lionel.”

“I think it’s Teddy’s brain looking for a way, looking for confirmation that him, the way he is isn’t his fault,” Cole told me.

I nodded my head. We all knew Teddy was weird. We all called him a spaz. He could be. Sometimes he said the most random shit. Sometimes he just seemed like he did things before thinking and I knew he felt guilty about it. That sometimes it made him feel stupid. But it wasn’t because he was stupid. It was because he did what his brain told him without thinking about it. 

He had a bad habit of when someone was upset with him trying to make them not upset. As far as I knew that involved trying to make out with them. It wouldn’t surprise me if at one point it had involved more. The one time I had been annoyed with him and made it obvious he had told me he really liked me and then kissed me, licking my mouth because I wouldn’t open it before pushing him away giving him a weird look. His face flushing red and mumbling something before I left the bathroom.  
“I wouldn’t blame him. You know …,” 

“Yeah,” Cole said, “Probably better than you still. But not for very long. I told you that.”

“Is it going to be bad?” I asked Cole scared to hear him say it because I was pretty sure I already knew the answer.

“Well, if you don’t enjoy ice on your dick you will by the time he’s done. You think you hate getting head from someone you don’t want to doing it now?” Cole asked snorting with angry laughter, “You’re never going to want someone’s face in your junk again. Just the thought will make you vomit.”

I shivered Cole patting my shoulder as I stayed lying on his lap. Me wondering how he managed to…sitting up.

“You ok?” he asked me.

“How do you do it?” I asked him, “If the thought makes you vomit how do you…?” I trailed off feeling my face heat up as I thought about it. About what he looked like without clothes feeling my body getting warm thinking about how my face had just been in his lap.

“I compartmentalize,” Cole told me.

“What?” I asked him frowning.

“What I do with guys because I want to. It’s…I think of it differently than I do the stuff with them. I have the control. It’s about me when I choose it’s not about them. The power is on me. I can make them stop. I can let them fuck me, I can fuck them, I can blow them or let them blow me. It’s about what I want. Kris even lets me tie him up if it’s what I want and don’t you dare tell anyone I told you that,” Cole said smiling as he looked at me, “It’s not about them. That gives me all the power. Sex can be powerful. Why do you think they like it so much? Because they know when they do it they’re in charge. That’s exactly what they want.”

“That’s why I did it,” I admitted, “I knew I’d never get to if …if I didn’t. I didn’t care that it was…wrong or whatever. It was my choice. He was letting me make a choice. He kept telling me we didn’t have to. That he wouldn’t do anything that I didn’t want to. I wanted to.”

I said talking about Beau, admitting one of the many reasons I had decided to have sex with Beau.

“I can understand that. I’m still not happy you did that though,” he said reminding me of what he had said that Beau had just used me.

“So, you can do it but I can’t?” I asked him.

“Do we have to go over that again?” he asked me even though he was smiling as he said it, “You’re better than that. You know that. You’re young. You deserve so much better than all of this. You deserved to wait until you found someone that cared about you. Someone that…”

“Someone like you?” I asked him his face going red at that.

“I huh…,” Cole shook his head, “You deserve better.”

“Don’t get a say in what I deserve?” I asked him.

“We’re not doing this right now ok? Your brother just tried to kill himself. You’re vulnerable, you’re scared. We’re not having this conversation today ok?” Cole said shaking his head.

“You do it with Kris,” I said frowning at him.

“Correction did. I’m with Tosh now and we’re taking it slow. We want it to mean something. Something other than getting rid of them.” Cole told me.

“I don’t understand,” I said.

“Ok, 1 you’re 11. You’re a kid. I like you and those feelings are still there yes, but you’re still a kid Will. I could never bring myself to do that with a kid. Never. It’d made me no better than them and that’s something I refuse to be. Because you know how …,”  
Cole filled his cheeks with air before blowing it out forcefully rounding his lips as he did so running a hand through his hair, “You know how they say they do it because they want to teach us love? If I did it out of…those feelings. Whether it’s real love or not it makes me no better than them.

I won’t be them. I refuse to be them. I refuse to ruin some poor kid’s life and make them feel like that’s all their worth. I won’t ever do that to anyone. Secondly, you’re his. 

Anyone touches you that’s death. Everyone knows it. Even if I wanted to and I could talk myself into it. It would ruin my plan ok?”

“You’re still planning to kill him? I still think you’re nuts,” I said shaking my head.

“When it’s …when he makes you do what he made me do, you’ll want to kill him too,” Cole told me.

“You mean the kids?” I asked him quietly to which he nodded his head.

“You never look at a kid the same again. Even if you don’t mean to and you know you won’t because you’re not like them. You never see them the same way again,” he said sighing deeply, “Just try and take care of them ok? I just wanted to warn you in case you weren’t aware.”

“What if I wanted to?” I asked him.

“What?” he asked me frowning at me confused.

“You know…?” I trailed off shrugging my shoulders as I felt my face flush. I might have been 11 but it wasn’t like I didn’t understand what he liked about it. I’d done it now and he was right. It felt ok when you chose to, good even.

“Yeah,” Cole shook his head snorting at me, “No.”

For some reason, I remember that hurting. Him laughing like that. Laughing at the idea of being with me. Maybe I was too disgusting. Because I was his. Because he had ruined me. No one would want to be with me. Not anyone that was worth it. Not anyone that I wanted. Cole had just said it himself. He must have seen it in my face, what I was thinking. His face falling.

“Will I didn’t…”

“No,” I said shaking my head, “No it’s fine. I’m going to…huh, I’m leaving. You can go home.” I said turning and walking up the stairs as I heard Cole swear under his breath.

I wasn’t worth sticking around for, living for. I wasn’t worth having sex with. I wasn’t worth anything. Not to anyone that might be good or nice. That might be worth being around that didn’t want to hurt me.

I hurried away punching the lift button. Not sure if he was going to come upstairs or not and not really caring. Because it didn’t matter if he followed me or not. I didn’t matter. He had said so himself. He said I deserved better, he was lying. I wasn’t worth it. I was too gross for him to even imagine sticking his dick in me let alone actually loving. No one loved me, no one wanted me but him and I would always be his. His leftovers.

I walked past everyone not looking at them. I’m not sure if I was more numb or angry at that point. Slamming my bedroom door and then my bathroom. Opening the cabinet under my skin and lifting my shirt. I took the box cutter not just running it across the skin of my stomach but pressing down. Pressing into it.

It felt relieving, instantly relieving somehow. Feeling like I was taking a breath again after having my head shoved underwater and held there for what seemed like forever. Me getting ready to press the blade against my skin in another spot when I heard a knock on my bathroom door before I heard his voice.

“Will? Can I talk to you for a minute?” Cole asked me.

“Why?” I asked through the bathroom door, “I’m fine. It’s fine.”

“Seriously,” Cole said, “I know you’re mad at me. Come on, please?”

“Go away!” I said, “I’m fine really.”

“I know you,” Cole said, “Please?”

I sighed pulling down my shirt hoping my cut wasn’t too deep. That maybe it wouldn’t bleed too badly before I opened the door slightly leaning against it hoping it would keep him from pushing it open all the way.

“I’m busy Cole. What? What do you want?” I asked him.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Cole said, “You know I didn’t mean it like that. Maybe in a couple of years ok? I meant it when I said you deserved better. I really mean it. You deserve someone that doesn’t just want you for that. Ok?”

“It’s fine,” I said, “I’m fine.”

“Your brother just tried to kill himself. You’re being raped biweekly by a 60-year-old man. You’re far from fine. Don’t lie. I just laughed at you. Ok? And that wasn’t right. I just…I don’t know what to do with this. I can’t do anything about this. I’m with Tosh and you’re …”

“DON’T!” I shouted shaking my head, “Don’t you dare say it again. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear it again and I don’t need to.”

“What…?” Cole asked me frowning before he started pushing on the door.

“LEAVE ME ALONE! I’M BUSY!” I said loudly.

“What are you doing in there?” he asked me.

“It doesn’t matter. Leave me alone,” I said Cole still trying to push on the door, trying to push it open.

“It does to me. Open the door,” Cole said.

“NO! STOP! LEAVE ME ALONE! I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH SO LEAVE ME ALONE!” I screeched fighting to push the door closed two people running up one of them dark Tan hands grabbing Cole’s arm.

“Hey man, what are you doing? Can you tell me what you’re doing? Are you seriously trying to break into the bathroom while he’s in there? What is wrong with you?” he said. My brain finally processing who it was. Alice’s son, Derek.

“Huh, care to share guys or are you two fighting over who is about to take a shit? You realize there are two other bathrooms up here, right?” Pat asked a look on his face like he was amused.

“He did something,” Cole said, “Look at his shirt, he’s bleeding he did something.”

“Wha…?” Pat said looking at my front, “Derek go get Alice.”

“But what about…?” Derek trailed off.

“Just go get Alice,” Pat said, “Please.”

“Huh yeah, sure,” Derek said letting go of Cole and walking away.

“Did you just cut yourself?” Pat asked me.

“No,” I lied shaking my head.

“Don’t lie. Your brother just tried to kill himself last night by slitting his wrists. Did you just cut yourself?”

“He was upset with me,” Cole said, “Will I’m sorry. Ok? I am I didn’t mean it like that.”

“You said I wasn’t good enough!” I spat back.

“I didn’t say that!” Cole said rolling his eyes and almost stomping his foot, “I said I’m in a relationship, you’re too young and you’re taken. That’s what I said. I didn’t say you weren’t good enough. I said you deserve better and you do!”

“I don’t care! NO one wants me BUT HIM! NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME BU….”

“I CARE ABOUT YOU!” Pat spat at me, “I FUCKING CARE! ME!” Pat said slamming his fists against his chest, “Even if you don’t I do. They catch you hurting yourself they will hurt you! They think it gives them permission to hurt you ok? You don’t cut yourself. You don’t. They will lock you away and they will cut you. They will cut you until you can’t even scream and they will do them shallow so they barely scar but they will do it over and over until your body is burning and while they do it they’ll…don’t cut yourself. Don’t ever cut yourself ok?”

“Especially not if you’re his,” Cole barely whispered.

“I want to be wanted by someone who doesn’t just see me as a hole to stick it in!” I said, “You guys don’t get it. You don’t…”

“We do,” Pat said, “Come on…come here,” he said holding his arms open me walking into them.

I was so tired. My brother didn’t even want to stick around for me a slight tap on the door getting Pat’s attention causing him to press gently on the back of my head to keep my face against his shoulder. It was his way of wordlessly telling me to relax. To try and stay calm.

“You boys wanted me for something?” Alice asked.

“Yeah, he’s…he’s not doing so good,” Pat said.

“Well, sugar you seem like you have it covered you want me to leave you alone? And by the way, you boys need to be…” she trailed off for some reason.

“Sorry,” Cole said to her, “He’s just not doing well. His brother just tried to kill himself.”

“I realize,” Alice said, “That’s why everyone is having an easy day today and why Derek is here. You know how much explaining I might have to do later? If he heard any of that?”

“Alice, he’s having a bad day ok? We’re all having a …”

“Yes, sugar I know,” she said, “But that’s why I needed Derek’s help so all of you boys need to calm down. Jamie keeps having fits. Crying and asking me to call their Daddy and see if Jack has woken up yet. I need someone to talk to these babies and tell them what’s going on so they quit asking me to call every five minutes.”

“I’ll explain it to them,” Cole said, “You and I will talk later though ok Will?” Cole asked me as I felt his hand on my shoulder me nodding my face still in Pat’s shoulder.

“Good,” Cole said walking away.

I heard the door shut quietly, “Now you all want to tell me what’s going on here?”

“There’s something Will hasn’t told John and it’s…it’s bothering him,” Pat told her, “He’s upset because he feels like John tried to leave him.”

I heard Alice sigh quietly as before she moved in my room sitting down on my bed, “Ok Will sugar, come here.”

I shook my head Pat running his hand through my hair, “You’re fine its just Alice.”

“She’s just going to tell me I’m being stupid. I know it’s not true but it feels true ok? All anyone is …”

“No,” Pat said as I felt him shake his head against my shoulder, “No. Ok? No. It’s not true. You just said it. It’s not true. People do care and they care because you’re an amazing, kind selfless person. Not because of that. Because of whatever it is you think they see.”

“Everyone sees it,” I said thinking back to them, to the things they said.

How I was good and “tight” and beautiful and “talented” how my body was all those things and I was trapped inside of it. Wearing it like a shell I had to carry around with me that I couldn’t escape. How I didn’t want to be any of those things. How I wanted to peel my skin off if that meant I didn’t have to be those things anymore. Just cut it open and pull it away, like a snake.

“The only ones who see that are people like them. No one else see’s that kid. No one,” Pat said.

“You can go, Patrick. I think Will and I need to have a long talk,” Alice said.

“Alice he’s really…” Alice cut Pat off.

“I’m not going to yell at him,” she said, “I’m going to talk to him.”

“Ok,” Pat said nodding his head, “Are you going to tell him what Connor said?”

“I’ll tell him that too,” she said, “Come sit with me, William sugar.”

I nodded my head sitting down as Pat opened the door walking away. Alice sighed as I sat down on the bed looking at my shirt before she got up, going into my bathroom and getting the first aid kit before she sat back down opening it as she looked at me her eyes sad.

“Tell me what’s going on? Those men got your head all screwed on backward?” she asked me.

Hearing her say that made me wonder what she knew about it. Why she was asking. Why it mattered to her. When I didn’t respond she continued.

“You know who you are. You don’t listen to them, you don’t listen to no one. You listen to what’s in your heart. You know who you are sugar ain’t no one ever going to be able to tell you that. That’s something that you already know and it’s inside of you. Pat see’s you. Cole see’s you. Those men, they don’t see you. They see only what they want to see,” Alice told me, “Jack didn’t want to leave you. I told you earlier and he don’t. He’s sad and he’s tired and you know exactly how he feels. You’re just stronger than he is. That’s all it is. It didn’t have anything to do with you. You understand that, right?”

I nodded my head. I’m not sure at the time I understood what she meant. By me knowing who I was. I felt like it depended on who I was talking to who I was. When I was with John I was his brother, when I was with Da I was his cock slut. With Lionel, his little one. I was so many different things sometimes it felt hard to keep track of which one I was at what time, in what moment. I felt like I was so many different things but none of them were what I wanted to be.  
“What did Da say?” I asked her.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” she said, “His vitals are improving a lot. Especially since his second transfusion. The doctors say things look hopeful. That he’ll probably make it even though they’re not sure if theirs brain damage or not. Being he lost so much blood his brain was with limited oxygen for a little while. That could be why it’s taking him so long to wake up but they’re not sure yet. They won’t be sure until he wakes up. If he wakes up. Now lay back and pull up your shirt so I can take care of that.”

“So, he might be dead?” I asked her doing as I was told feeling nervous just exposing my stomach to her. My brain panicking for a minute causing me to close my eyes just so I could breathe.

“He didn’t say that and I’m not going to say that. The first 72 hours are very delicate though is what your Daddy said. He said he’s hanging around until after that point. After he wakes up,” Alice said.

“So Da’s sure he’s going to wake up?” I asked not wanting to get my hopes up. Not wanting to even think that he could survive if he …if there was no hope.

“I think your Daddy is hopeful because the doctors are hopeful. There are no guarantees yet though,” she told me frowning at my stomach as she put cream on it and covered it with a large Band-Aid.

I nodded my head pulling my shirt down and sitting up. So, he was alive. For now. That’s all they knew. And that’s all they would probably know for a while.

“Did you tell the kids?” I asked her.

“Yes,” she said, “I told them he was doing better but that the doctors still aren’t sure if he’ll be ok.”

“Good,” I said, “Did he say anything about Uncle Ben or anything like that?”

“No,” she said shaking her head, “You want to talk about any of that?”

I shook my head. No, I didn’t want to talk about that. I didn’t want to talk about Uncle Ben or Lionel. I didn’t want to talk about any of it. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to think about it. However, there wasn’t a lot to focus on other than the fact that I was worthless to everyone else but them. But that didn’t mean I had to talk about them or anything else.

There was a knock on the door “Yes?” Alice called.

“Mom I think I’m going to head out. That one little dude, he’s weird,” Derek said looking at us.

“Matt?” Alice and I asked at the same time.

“Yeah, I…I’m glad you don’t have any pets,” he told us.

“What did he do?” I asked him.

“He kept trying to convince me it would be fun to tie me up. I mean I’m not five so I didn’t fall for it but he’s…he needs some help,” Derek said shaking his head.

“We’re aware thank you, sweetie,” Alice said standing up and going over leaning up to hug her son.

I remember looking at them together. Noticing how his skin was slightly darker than hers. How he looked. Well, nice. He was a good-looking guy. Me wondering if I could ever get anyone like that to ever look at me. To ever care about me but knowing he wasn’t gay. That it wouldn’t work even if he was because I…I wasn’t mine. I was his.

Alice muttered something to him before he nodded his head at her and looked at me, “It was nice seeing you Will. Maybe I’ll see you some other time?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head positive he was just being nice. That it wasn’t any more than that. I mean he was 16. The same age as Beau so he probably wanted nothing to do with me. And he wasn’t gay I could tell he was very far from gay.

“You seem tired,” Alice told me, “Why don’t you lay down for a while?”

“I don’t know,” I told her shrugging my shoulders.

“I think you should. The babies are napping. It will do you some good. You look exhausted,” Alice said, “I may not oversee you most days but I’m taking care of you today and I want you to rest.”

I nodded my head, “Ok.”

Maybe she was right. Maybe half of the reason I was so mad at Cole was that I was just tired. Maybe I really had taken what he was saying the wrong way. He did have a point after all even if I hated admitting it was true. I was Lionel’s. Lionel’s to do whatever he wanted to. And no one would stop him from doing it. But I felt like I was already in deep shit for Beau. So, what if I wanted to mess around a little to forget where I was? To forget that my brother had just tried to kill himself.

She left closing the door behind her. I don’t remember hearing anything unusual and I’m pretty sure I did fall asleep someone knocking on my door hours later me moaning before I rolled over and mumbled loudly, “Yeah?”

“Are you ok?” I heard Cole ask through my door.

“You can come in,” I told him.

“You’re sure?” he asked me opening the door and poking his head inside.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head and sitting up, “I’m sorry about earlier. I…I don’t know what…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Cole said, “I didn’t mean to laugh at you. I wasn’t laughing at you. Not really. It was more, just. You’re his. I know it sucks and you hate hearing it but it’s true.”

I nodded my head. I knew it was true. I was just afraid of the next time I would see him. I was already feeling better. My stomach cramping less and me no longer feeling intense pain when I used the bathroom. I figured I was close to healing even though it had only been maybe close to over a week. It felt better. It would have felt even better if Lionel didn’t keep giving them permission to do stuff to me even though he said he would give me a break.

“How’s Pat doing?” I asked Cole quietly.

“He’s …holding it together. James isn’t. Pat keeps telling James that he thinks you need time to be by yourself though I think that’s the only way he’s managing to keep him in the living room. He keeps trying to hide in his bedroom. He’s terrified.”

“Well he’s…it’s been hard on everyone lately you know that” I said.

“Lionel?” he asked me.

I flinched just hearing his name. Wondering what he would do to John if John survived. Pat had told me that trying to kill yourself was a bad idea. I felt like maybe I should ask Cole what it was going to be like for him if he survived. If he woke up. What Da would do, Lionel.

“Cole?” I said quietly.

“Yeah?” he asked me pulling out my desk chair and sitting in it.

“If John lives…what’s …what are they going to do?”

“Well,” Cole said, “Has Pat ever told you about …his experience?” he asked me.

No. I had no idea Pat had ever gone through anything like that. I shook my head.

“I won’t speak for Pat but when I was younger. It was near the end of my contract with …with Lionel. Because of all the stuff he made me do. All of…anyway. I tried to kill myself. I’m not proud to admit it. But I did. I drank bleach. I mean I was 11. I was your age and I was beyond upset and tired and I’ve never been the brightest of people so yeah, I tried to drink a bunch of bleach. Pat found me doing it. The basement smelled like bleach for months because when he saw what I was doing it tried to take it from me and it spilled all over the place. I dumped it on both of us fighting to keep a hold of it because I felt like it was…it was the answer to everything. Like it was my last …hope. My last hope for ever…” he cleared his throat, “Anyway he told my Dad and Hank and him,” 

When he said him, his voice got really quiet and he went silent for a minute me waiting for him to collect himself to continue, “They were all so pissed. They took me to the hospital. Made me get my stomach pumped and luckily, I didn’t drink enough to do anything serious but it was enough to make them want to hospitalize me. The hospital they send us to it’s not a normal psych hospital or a good one. It’s mostly ones and some twos that are there because they did something stupid. The staff there is mostly brotherhood. They make fun of you. Call you stupid and other things. There was this one staff I’m pretty sure he still works there he called me Cunt instead of Cole because that’s what I was. I was Lionel’s favorite little cunt. He’d call me that when he raped me. Which he did anytime he wanted to pretty much. No one stopped him.

I’d leave group to go to the bathroom or whatever and he’d follow me. And then he’d…The one time I fought him to try and…he pushed me down so hard you know that bruise on your face that is almost gone? I had one of those. He also busted up my eye. They even had Dr. Huntz come in and give me an x-ray and he had given me a hair line fracture under my orbital socket.

“He broke your eye?” I asked him surprised.

Cole nodded his head, “Because I said no. I mean that wasn’t the first time I had ever been beaten for saying no, for trying to stop one of them but it was…Dad at that point he used to punch me in the stomach a lot. One time he did it so hard I started bleeding a little bit but he had never broken a bone in my face. And when it’s your face it’s not like they can put a cast on it. All they can do is give you ice to keep the swelling down and Motrin for pain it sucked. Even talking hurt. But him in a couple other guys just used all the kids there for that. I was the only person under 12 other than this one girl. So, we had a group with just the two of us so we didn’t get a lot out of therapy because I wasn’t about to talk about all the shit they did to me and neither was she. I mean she’s pretty awesome but I still…” Cole shrugged his shoulders.

“You still know her?” I asked him.

“Licia? Yeah, she’s cool but it’s still kind of weird. I mean when I do talk to her we’re both way more open about it I ask how she’s doing and how her older and little brothers are both doing but, obviously, she’s got her own life, her own problems. She doesn’t even really hang out with Celia and Dee because their dad is like yours he pays exclusivity fees for them so that it’s only him who is…yeah. Licia’s dad doesn’t do that,” Cole said.

“What does that mean?” I asked him not sure if I had heard it explained before. My brain had thrown a lot of that stuff away. Forgotten a lot of stuff like that when we had left because I was hoping we’d never come back. That there wouldn’t be any need to think about it ever again.

“It means you know how other people can do stuff to you? Licia has to deal with that like we do. They do things to girls too. A whole bunch of them. Just some of them pay more money every month to keep other…to make it so they don’t have to share their daughters or their favorite son or whatever. It’s all disgusting but yeah, so she deals with a lot of guys. Like we’re not …”

“You mean like Lionel? Like my dad?” I asked him and he nodded his head.

“I didn’t know they did that with girls too,” I said to him.

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head, “A lot of them let people use both their sons and daughters. They do sometimes refer to themselves as Fathers for Child Love. So…your daughter is your child. But yeah. Mostly in the hospital, they just torture you so that hopefully you won’t try again and if you do try again you want to make sure you don’t fail. That you don’t survive because if you do it’s a million times worse. I was stupid enough to try again. I almost succeeded. According to dad, my heart stopped for almost five minutes. It was probably a week or two after I had been out. Dad told me I was…I was wanted for a date and I didn’t want to. Not with…” 

“With him?” I asked and Cole nodded his head looking at his knees.

“You have to understand ok? It’s…he’s not…,” Cole said stuttering.

“Did I tell you they made me watch? Lionel called and he watched on camera while Uncle Ben…he…” I felt myself shaking just saying it. Me hearing his sobs, his screams and them not caring. Lionel telling him to make noise to let him know how good it felt as he screeched as he sobbed so hard I thought he was going to rupture his little throat. As…

“Will, hey, hey it’s ok,” Cole said climbing into my bed and holding me, “It’s ok. Whatever they did, whatever they made you do it’s not your fault ok? It’s not. Is what why James has been so …attached to you lately? Because…”

“I DIDN’T TOUCH HIM! I SWEAR TO…!”

“I WASN’T SAYING YOU DID!!” Cole said his volume matching my own, “Sorry, I know you wouldn’t ever do that unless they made you. Ok? Because I know you and that’s not who you are.

There’s been a couple of kids where even though it …it was me. They …they understood why. Why I did it and they knew it was me trying to keep them safe so whenever I was there they wanted to be near me. With me.

Not like sexually but just be in the same room with me. Because I was probably one of the only people that …they could tell I didn’t like it. That when they made me do things… things to them I didn’t want to. So, they would rather be around me than anyone else. We’d be in holding and I’d read them books and stuff. Play games with them. All those sorts of things and they’d cry when Dad came to get me. To take me home because …everyone else. Everyone else liked hurting them but I didn’t. It means he trusts you.”

“I know he trusts me. At least I hope he does. I’m his brother I’m supposed to keep him safe and…”

“I think if you were there he understood you were doing the only thing you thought you could that would keep him safe,” Cole said.

“I told him to look at me. To not look at Uncle Ben to just look at me and every time Uncle Ben…to squeeze my hands as hard as he could. It was all I could think of.”

“And that was enough that it made him feel safe so now he wants to be with you all the time because if he’s with you he knows he’s safe,” Cole explained to me making me think of it in a way I hadn’t thought about it before. 

That maybe that’s why it was my room and me and not John. Because I had been there and I had done things to keep Uncle Ben from hurting him more. Let uncle Ben rape me so he wouldn’t rape James. That I had let James squeeze my wrists and hands so that he wouldn’t fight back but still wouldn’t feel helpless. So that it would hurt him less. It made sense. As sick and sad as it was it made sense.

“What happened after you tried to kill yourself the second time?” I asked changing the topic back.

“Lionel took me, and he locked me in a safe room as they call it. Usually, there are a couple members in the brotherhood that have a room that sometimes it’s padded and sometimes it’s not in their house. They take away your clothes and it has kind of like a screen on it so you can’t get out but they can still see you. They don’t let you have a blanket or anything like that.

They’ll put a space heater outside the screen or more like bars and that’s all you get. They’ll leave you in there and they won’t even talk to you unless it’s while they’re raping you. I was at the Villa so it was between I’d say no less than 10 and no more than 30 guys a day. Something like that.

They basically fucked me until I was unconscious everyday sometimes even after that point they kept going. Until I didn’t …until I couldn’t feel anything. Until I was almost sure I was already dead and I was in hell. It was like that for probably a month. Then he gave me back…something to wear so I wasn’t naked and he started letting me eat lunch with the ones. Talk to them a little bit. The next month he quit locking me in but he made me keep…playing.

Before I could go home, Lionel he told me. That if I thought that was bad that was just a taste if I ever tried again. That he’d sell me. He’d make sure Dad let him sell me. And that I’d never anyone ever again.”

So that’s why he had gotten so cold and distant after he had been gone for a while. Like Pat had told me when he told me not to let Cole know he had said anything. Probably because he was afraid he wasn’t going to be around for much longer because he had felt like he was breaking and it was only a matter of time before he got taken away. Before he didn’t have anyone anymore. He had been trying to distance himself to prepare for being sold. Being taken away and never seeing anyone he knew again.

That was twisted. To threaten a kid with that. That was beyond sick and cruel to make them think that the only choice they had in life was to be raped a little bit by a couple of people or to have their whole life turned upside down and get raped by up to 30 different people a day. Anyone would choose death over that. I couldn’t imagine ever being able to handle that.

“I’m sorry he did that,” I said quietly.

“Yeah and a few months later Charlie died. It was actually his death that helped snap me out of it. Out of whatever the fuck I was stuck in. I was bitter though. I was pissed. That was the first …the first time I had sex really. Was while I was in that. I think I was high. I don’t really remember.”

“Weren’t you like 11?” I asked him.

“Yeah so you understand why I wasn’t happy hearing about you and Beau because I’ve bene there. Trust me I’ve been there and it’s not anyplace I ever wanted you to go to ok?” 

I nodded my head. It made sense I guess. Especially the way he made it sound almost like he had just decided to do it because he figured if he didn’t he never would just like I had. Because that was exactly how I felt. That and Beau had listened to me, paid attention to me and treated me like a person. Not like they did. To them, it was like I was less than a person.

“So, you really think I deserve better?” I asked him. Something in my brain finally clicking about why he had turned me down. Because while I hadn’t said it outright that was what I had wanted. 

I had wanted him to say yes, to throw me down and shove his tongue in my mouth. To kiss me, to feel his hands on my skin, his mouth. To feel his body against mine. My face heating up as I thought back to it. Back to the way my heart had been pounding as we sat there after Pat had gone upstairs. Cole sighing as he looked at me as he pulled back sitting up.

“I know you do,” he said sounding so sure of it, “Look I’m going to go. Before …,” he trailed off blowing a raspberry making me smile.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “Just so you know it wouldn’t make you like them.”

“Don’t say that. You don’t know that. You’ll understand eventually and I hate that you will but I’ll be here if you need to talk about it. Just like I’ll be here for John when he’s ready to talk about what happens.”

“In the hospital?” I asked Cole to which he nodded his head.

“I’m seriously…going to go. I’ll see you later. I don’t know if Pat’s staying or not but I just…this feels like there’s a lot going on here. So, I’m going to go,” he repeated, “Let me know if…”

“I’ll let you know as soon as I hear there’s some sort of change,” I told him.

“Ok. Have a good night,” he muttered.

“I’ll try,” I said to him as he left him nearly being plowed over as James hit him about waist level full force running into my bedroom.


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unexpected guest shows up at the house after Will was told he would be staying away. Cole only proving he knows some people very well. Will reconnects with an old friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1134 to 1154. It's weird that's it's 20 exactly but I had to cut it in half. A lot going on here. **Warnings: Language, sexually explicit language, rape/non-con, forced oral, forced anal, voyeurism, child sexual abuse, Forced threesome, forced molestation, forced brother/brother molestation, mental health issues, anxiety, mentions of attempted suicide**

“Jay! Why are you…?” Cole went quiet, still before he grabbed James, yanking him up by the arms.

“Don’t you dare,” I heard his voice.

I was sure I stopped breathing. Why was he there? Why was he…no. No. No.

“Sir,” Cole said in barely a whisper.

“I was asked to look in on everyone tonight. That way Alice could go home. I’m not the best baby sitter in the world but I was in town still and Connor does not want to leave your brothers side. I’m sure you all understand,” Lionel said where he was out of my line of sight, “It’s good to see you. May I speak with you alone for a moment?”

Cole audibly gulped and nodded his head handing James to me instead of putting him back down on his own two feet. Me cradling him, rocking him as I sat back down with him on my bed.

“Alice left, she …she left and…” he said starting to sob.

“I know bud,” I whispered in his ear trying to calm him down, “I know me too ok? Me too. We’re going to be ok though. We have to be ok. Because we have the babies and we have to be strong for John ok? Ok? We’re going to be ok. We’ll find a way to be ok.”  
There was a slight knock on the door me hoping it was Cole or Pat but aware it was probably him. That he…he wanted to see me. Hopefully just me. Me saying a prayer as I held my breath. It was him. Looking at us, smiling.

I wondered how he could smile when my insides felt so cold. When I just wanted to scream. I didn’t want him to touch me. I especially didn’t want him to touch James. James who couldn’t do those things again. Not when it had only been a couple of days. He didn’t deserve it. He was too little.

“Can I talk to you alone for just a few minutes my little one?” He asked looking at me expectantly. Like he thought I was just going to send Jay away me nodding my head before I whispered quietly in Jay’s ear, “Hey Bud, I need you to go to your room. Hide in your fort and don’t come out unless I say so ok?”

Jay didn’t even look at me running past me and out my bedroom door Lionel shutting it behind him before he made a sound in the back of his throat and shut the door, “So…,” he started after a minute or two of silence, “You want to tell me why you were in your room alone with the door shut with that boy?” He asked me

“We were talking,” I answered unsure of why it mattered. Unsure of what it meant. Why it was a big deal.

“Are you sure?” he asked me his eyes cold.

He didn’t even blink. It made me wonder if he could read my thoughts. If he knew I had…I wanted to kiss Cole. To feel him. To do things with him I wasn’t supposed to because I belonged to him, to Lionel.

“If you were just talking why is your face getting so red little one?” He asked me.

“I don’t like thinking about it,” I answered looking at my feet as I sat with my legs off the side of the bed waiting for him to come over, to sit down.

“Thinking about what?” he asked me finally sitting down resting is hand on my leg.

“Those things,” I barely mumbled.

“That’s what I thought. Such a good boy like you. You know those things aren’t for you unless someone tells you. I’m sure you realize that especially after our talk on the phone, correct?”

I nodded my head before I realized what he would say if I didn’t speak. That he would tell me to use my words, “Yes Daddy L.”

“Good. Last time I checked he didn’t live here and you weren’t related to him. Is that still the case or have I miss assumed something?” Lionel asked me his voice sounding hard, cold.

“No Daddy L,” I answered him, “He’s still…I’m not related to him. He’s a friend.”

“I thought he was Johnathan’s friend. Am I wrong?” Lionel asked me.

I didn’t know what he was doing. I wasn’t sure what he was trying to say. Was he not supposed to be my friend too? Was he not supposed to be over? But he used to be Lionel’s too. Why couldn’t I talk to him if that was the case?

“There’s nothing to get upset about unless you did something wrong. You know what you did?” He asked me, causing me to shake my head, “I’ll tell you. Because you’ve proven before that our relationship isn’t as important to you as it is to me you don’t get be alone somewhere with a boy like that. You don’t shut your bedroom door, you don’t look at a boy like that. Do you understand? The only friends you have are the friends I allow you to have and he is not your friend little one. He’s dirty. He’s not like you. He doesn’t deserve to be your friend. Are we clear?”

I felt like he had punched me. Him and Pat were…they knew. It was just them and Jay really. I hadn’t seen anyone else. Not since getting home. Cole and Pat were all I had. All any of us had. I nodded my head. Wondering who I was supposed to talk to now. Who was supposed to help me?

“I know you feel lonely with everything that happened but,” Lionel said, “That’s why I’m here. So, we can spend some time together. I can’t stop those boys from coming over here and I can’t stop you from talking to them but I want you to know you’re not allowed to shut your bedroom door with them here. Do you understand that?”

“Yes, Daddy L,” I answered.

“Good as long as you understand. Would you like to come downstairs with me and that sweet little peach? We’ll play. Gently of course but I think it would be fun to have a sleep over. What do you think?” He said.

He wasn’t really asking me what I thought of it. Or if I wanted to but more telling me that was the reason he was there. That he wasn’t there to help Alice so Alice could head home or to take care of the babies. He was there to …

“Daddy L? Why him?” I asked him quietly.

“Because he’s sweet. Like you. We’ll just have him watch some things ok? Show him what a good boy like you does. We don’t have to include him right now ok?”

So, he was going to make me do things. He was going to…

“Daddy L I’m really tired,” I tried, “Could we not tonight? It’s not that I don’t want to it’s that…just with John and if Alice isn’t going to be here someone needs to …needs to be here to take care of the babies.”

“Don’t worry about that little one. Your Uncle and Dad assured me that your brother Matthew has it covered so you’re going to come and spend some time with me,” Lionel said his hand sliding to my crotch grabbing me through my pants.

No Matt would hurt them. He would. He would do it. He would…

“He’ll hurt them,” I tried, “Please. Please Daddy L don’t let him watch them. He’ll hurt them.”

“It doesn’t hurt little one you know that. In fact, the younger the child the less confusing it is. The less susceptible they are to the lies that society is going to feed them. If they understand love first, real love it’s less confusing for them. You should know that. If your Dad had trained you from the very beginning, loved you from the very beginning this wouldn’t scare you so much. Make you so nervous. You’d pull down those sweet little white shorts and bend over, beg me to love you. To suck on you, kiss you, lick. It’s only because you weren’t started soon enough that it scares you. That you don’t listen to your body. Come on little one, let’s go get him and go downstairs. I have a surprise for you,” he said letting go of me and standing up, beckoning to me with his hand to follow him.

I didn’t want him to hurt James. James was just little. He didn’t need to see whatever Lionel was planning to do. I knew better than to tell him no. Lionel grabbing my hand and kissing the back of it. Me going silent and trying to shut down. Trying to tell myself it was ok.

That it was ok because I knew what he was going to do. Because it was going to be like what Cole warned me about. What I hated more than anything but that I was going to be ok because if I did it meant James didn’t have to.

If I was good and I just let him do it. Just let him do those things maybe he wouldn’t be lying. Maybe he would just make him watch. He’d done that before and he’d be ok with doing that, I’d be ok with doing that at least a little bit but I wouldn’t be ok if he made me do what Uncle Ben had made me do. Made me listen and watch and know I couldn’t stop it from happening. Couldn’t stop him from hurting him.

“It’s this room, right?” Lionel asked me stopping in front of Cat’s room.

I wanted to say yes, to lie to him but I knew lying wouldn’t help with anything. That something bad would happen if I lied so I shook my head.

“Which room little one?” he asked me before I walked two doors down going to Jay’s door.

“He’s going to be scared,” I said quietly.

“Well, why don’t you go in and get him for me? Ok, little one? I think seeing you might make him feel a little calmer,” he told me.

I nodded my head opening the door. I wanted to shut it behind me but I wasn’t sure how Lionel would act. Me going in and opening his closet where he was curled in a ball shaking like a baby bunny. Shaking so hard I wasn’t sure if I picked him up I’d be able to hold him.

“Jay bud,” I said quietly going in and sitting down on the floor in front of him, “I can’t…I can’t tell him no. I can’t he’ll get so mad if I tell him no. So, what we’re going to do if you’re going ….”

“NO!!!! NO!!!” he screamed loudly, “PLEASE WILLY PLEASE NO!!!”

There was a loud sound as Lionel pulled the closet door open it slamming hard against the wall hard enough it bounced off it.

“William, calm him down,” Lionel said is voice deathly calm.

“Bud, you have to listen to me, you can’t cry ok? You can’t…you must stop. You have to…”

“Calm him down now before I throw him on that bed because neither one of you will like what happens,” Lionel warned James going quiet as he heard that. His tears drying almost like he was frozen, “Very good. Thank you. Now you’re both going to come downstairs with me. I have a surprise.”

He turned walking away as I grabbed James, picking him up. Not even trying to get him to walk. He was too scared. He was too scared to walk his poor legs probably wouldn’t have worked if I had tried to make him walk. Me feeling the wetness on his backside. He had wet himself again. That made me want to cry for him. To tell him it was ok but that right there told me he knew it wasn’t. That it was very very far from ok and he knew there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was supposed to be able to stop it.

Lionel walked to the lift turning to see us, me carrying him as he hid his face in my shoulder. As he tried to make himself disappear. Make himself as small as possible so that Lionel wouldn’t look at him, pay attention to him. Lionel putting his hand on my shoulder as the lift opened coaxing me forward into it.

“Don’t be so upset little one, there’s nothing to be upset about. I’m not going to hurt you. I actually think you might like this surprise too,” he said as the lift dinged open on the third floor.

I hated the third floor. It seemed like only bad things happened there. Just like down in the basement but when you left the red rooms you knew you were done for a while. That it wasn’t…with the Third floor, I never felt that. I never felt that relief. The relief that came with them letting you go. Because while it was always until next time it felt like it wasn’t enough when it was happening on the third floor in a normal bed. Lionel walking with his hand still on my shoulder as he opened the door to the biggest suite my eyes going wide.

“TEDDY!?” I said before I could stop myself.

“Papa? Why didn’t…?”

“I figured you were friends. I wanted to surprise you, my prince. Do you not like it?” Lionel asked.

“I…no I do. I just…I didn’t know he lived here. I thought you were gone. Where have you been? You missed like the last 5 months of school and I haven’t seen or heard from you all summer. Everyone just thought you were like gone dude,” Teddy said.

“Theodor not now, get ready,” Lionel said Teddy sighing heavily.

“Papa, please? Can’t we just talk for a second?” he asked him.

“Later, we’re here to learn. Clothes off, everyone,” Lionel said unbuttoning the top button on his shirt.

I didn’t know what was going on. What I was…me deciding that I should just do it. That way James would do it because if we didn’t he would hurt James. I knew he would hurt James. I pulled my shirt over my head as I looked at him.

“Come on bud, take off your clothes,” I told him, Jay, grabbing my arm me bending down as he whispered in my ear.

“I don’t want to,” he told me.

“Listen if you don’t he might hurt you really bad. I don’t want you to be hurt. so, could you please just take off your clothes? It will make sure he doesn’t hurt you, ok? You remember what we talked about?”

“That you’re…that…”

“No whispering,” Lionel snapped.

“Sorry Daddy L,” I said.

“Yeah, Papa they don’t…you haven’t played with Will a lot, right? You told me that. So, if you could please I’ll tell them ok?”

“Ok go ahead,” Lionel said looking at Teddy before he went back to undressing.

“Ok, the rules are that you can’t whisper. Anything you have to say you have to say to everyone. There are no secrets. You have to do what you’re told because he knows what’s best. He's doing it because it’s good for us. He doesn’t want to hurt us even though sometimes it does hurt a little bit but if you breathe through it’ll be ok. You just need to trust him and do what he says. Ok?”

James and I both just nodded our heads as I stepped out of my pants before I felt Lionel grab my hips from behind, “You’re a very sexy boy little one.”

He said it loud enough both Teddy and James heard it my face heating up as he ground against my back. The feeling of his bare skin above the waistline of my underwear. As he played with my hair running his hands through it.

“You’re both going to need haircuts soon,” he murmured, “Ok now you want to come here, prince?” Lionel asked holding his hand out over my shoulder.

I don’t know why I had missed it before that prince referred to Teddy, Ted coming up to us, to him as he smiled, “You’re a very sexy boy too,” Lionel said as he took Ted’s hand.

“Thank you, papa,” Teddy said looking at his feet.

“Now, I’m just going to show you boys some things and then I think maybe we’ll try some stuff. It all just depends ok? I want you two to pay very close attention. If I see you’re not paying attention I’m going to be very mad. Now Theodor why don’t you greet your friends properly?”

“Papa I’m…,” Teddy trailed off.

“Theodor, now,” Lionel said as Teddy looked at me. 

The look he gave me was one that said he was sorry. That he was probably just afraid to verbalize it before he grabbed the back of my neck gently kissing my cheek before he left a light peck on my lips.

My eyes went wide that’s what he meant by a proper hello. Ok, I tried to tell myself, ok I can do this. I…he shoved his tongue into my mouth.

It tasted surprisingly minty. And that was something I wasn’t prepaid for usually whenever they had made me kiss anyone my own age it tasted like bacteria mouth sometimes something closer to garlic. Beau had once kissed me after eating BBQ crisps.  
But otherwise, usually, it just tasted like a mouth. but Teddy’s mouth tasted like mouthwash. Him rolling his tongue against mine before he did something weird and ran his tongue along the roof of my mouth tickling me with it causing me to pull away.

“Are you ok?” Teddy asked me.

Was I…? I had never really had anyone lick the roof of my mouth before so no. I kind of wasn’t ok. I had never been kissed like that. If that was how Teddy tongue kissed people I could understand why everyone made fun of him for it. Because it was weird.  
“Come here little one,” Lionel said grabbing me before I could give Teddy a real answer and kissed me, not even doing the small peck thing that Teddy did but really kissing me, shoving his tongue in my mouth without warning. Pushing me slowly back slowly onto the bed. 

I felt my chest start heaving as he broke the kiss, his mouth moving to my neck. I tried to be still. I tried not to squirm but it…it was hard. Knowing James was watching it was hard. I knew I had to do it, had to let him do it but I didn’t want to. Not with Teddy and James there. Not with them watching.

His mouth left my skin for a minute, “You two, come here,” Lionel said to them his eyes still on me.

I was pinned under him, pinned to the bed trying not to panic. Trying to stay calm as his hand slowly traveled over my clavicle. The thumb and index finger of his left hand running over the bone until they were parted as far as he could make them go before bringing them back together right at the base of my neck, resting on my throat. He did that over and over like he was petting me. Like I was some type of cat or dog he was showing affection towards as I stayed as still as possible under him. my body pinned between his knees that were pressing into my hips.

“What’s up, Papa?” Teddy asked.

“I want…,” Lionel sighed biting his bottom lip as he looked at me under him, not taking his eyes off me, “I’m hungry but so is my cock. Do you want to help me out, my prince?”

What? Cole said that Teddy and I would probably be doing something but he said that I would have to watch Lionel touch Teddy first. This wasn’t touching Teddy first this was something different. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.

“Help you how papa?” Teddy asked Lionel sighing as his hand kept repeating the same motion over and over on my collar bones as he gazed into my eyes unblinking like he was daring me to look away, daring me to say no.

“How about you ride me while he rides my face?” Lionel said.

I felt my face flush red as he said it. I wasn’t ok with that. The only time I had ridden anyone’s face it had been Da’s.

I had hated it. I hadn’t been able to stop my body from shaking as I used the arms of the chair to hold myself up because I felt like if I didn’t I was going to fall and hurt myself even though I was pretty sure where Da’s face was it wouldn’t have happened even though it felt like it would. I didn’t want to ride anyone’s face.

“Are you sure papa?” I heard Teddy ask as he sighed moving around the room my gaze still locked on Lionel, his hand still traveling the same path as I wondered what he was doing.

“No, you know what? I want your mouth. Do you remember how to do that from behind?” he asked Teddy.

He wanted his mouth but from behind? My brain trying to picture that. I must have pulled a face because Lionel laughed at me kissing my collarbone and down my chest, “Don’t worry little one. you can stay right where you are. I promise.”

I wasn’t sure what he meant before I heard Teddy talking to James, “James I know it’s weird but you have to watch ok? It’s kind of cool really so just keep your eyes on me and what I do ok?”

Lionel kissed my neck, sucking hard. It hurt him moving away but not letting go of the skin, not releasing the suction before he pulled away moving downward. Doing that every couple of inches. Me trying not to make a sound. Trying to be silent. He only stopped when he got to my belly button. His hand touching the Band-Aid there as he frowned for a second before looking up at me and smiling. I wondered what Teddy and Jay were doing looking to my right to see them both sitting on the floor watching him, watching him…my face heating up as I swallowed the knot in my throat.

“You remember how to do this little one?” he asked me putting my hand on the back of his neck.

I knew what he was doing but I didn’t want to believe he would do it with them watching. Or make me do that with them watching. Yeah, I knew what he was talking about but that didn’t mean I wanted to do that with Teddy and James there. It was bad enough that I had to let him do what he was doing let alone me doing…doing that.

“You remember what to say?” he asked me rubbing my hips with his hands as he sat up a little so he could see my face better where I was still lying flat, my chest heaving as I tried to just breathe, to just think. As I tried to shut my emotions down and just do what I was supposed to.

I did understand how important it was to do what I was told. Teddy and Cole’s warnings flashing in my head like the light from a lighthouse. That if I just did what I was told everything would be ok but the moment I didn’t…someone would get hurt and it might not be me. I didn’t want to be responsible for someone else’s pain. I nodded my head as he looked at me expectantly.

“Use your words little one. Tell me what you’re going to do,” he encouraged me.

“I…I’m going to rub you…your head and then…tell you to suck me,” I muttered.

“Very good and tell me how much you want to cum in my mouth ok little one?” he asked me and I nodded my head in response, “And remember it’s Daddy L or Daddy ok? Like this…,” he said sticking his finger near my hole, “Is your boy pussy or boy cunt ok?”

I swallowed nodding my head. I felt like I was going to be sick. I didn’t want Jay to hear me say those things. He might think I liked it. Liked what he was doing to me but like I said I understood. I understood that I had to. That if I didn’t something bad would happen. Teddy’s voice grabbing my attention.

“I want you to feed me daddy. I’m hungry,” Teddy said to Lionel the way his voice sounded making me blush, making my face turn red.

I didn’t understand what was…how he could just say it like that? Lionel not even having to remind him to or ask him to. Teddy muttering the words as he climbed up on the bed behind Lionel, somewhere near his feet.

“You need to nurse my sweet Prince?” Lionel asked him, “You know how to nurse. You want to nurse on my cock?”

“Yes, Daddy I want all your life Juice. Can I have it? Please?” Teddy asked.

He was so good at it that I wasn’t sure…my brain was blown. Was he serious? Was he really… Lionel letting out a moan shifting his body backwards a little bit, “That’s it, my sweet prince. Suck my cock. Oh, yes, that’s…I think I need to nurse too. You want me to nurse little one?” Lionel asked looking at me, his stare making my throat feel tight and my face feel warm.

“I…I…w…wa…want, you to-to su…suck me, Daddy,” I barely managed.

“Yeah you want to give me that sweet creamy juice from your boy fruit?” he asked my face feeling even warmer.

I didn’t want to say it. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I tried to swallow nodding my head as I closed my eyes just trying to breathe.

“Use your words little one. Tell me how badly you want it,” He told me.

“I…want to…want to cum in your mouth,” I barely managed his tongue dipping into my belly button as he groaned loudly against my skin taking me in his hands, playing with me. He worked working to get me erect before he wrapped his lips around my member making me gasps putting both my hands on the top of his head.

“Uhhh,” was the only sound I managed, knowing he wanted more, that he wanted me to tell him, “Ye…p…suck…mmmm”

It was too much. It felt like too much my body wanting to give up. Give over to his mouth, his lips my brain having a hard time working. A hard time thinking my hands on his head. 

“You taste so good Daddy,” Teddy said, “I bet you feel good too doesn’t he Will?”

“Y…,” I barely managed to whimper. He grabbed my knees and pushed them upwards his tongue going there, going to my ass. Him smiling and giggling to himself like he was a child as he looked up, “Come here sweet peach I want you to see something.” He said to James.

James who had pulled his knees up to his chest on the floor. Who was watching what was happening? Listening to what was happening. James who was shaking like a leaf even though it wasn’t his body, wasn’t him that was feeling it. That had to have Lionel’s mouth on him.

“Come here, now,” Lionel said his voice cold. Cold enough that James stood up on his shaky legs doing what he was told, coming over, “MMM yeah Prince that’s it, nurse on my cock. Oh god yeah, baby…yes…”

He looked up James standing beside him level with his face, with my ass my nakedness feeling very apparent to me, “Now you know what this is when this is happening right sweet peach?”

“Your boy pussy,” James barely whispered.

“That’s right, smart boy,” Lionel replied, “Have you ever had anyone’s tongue your boy pussy?”

James’ little face went so red I swear even his little chest was blushing him nodding his head.

“And who was that?” Lionel asked looking at me as he asked the question.

“You Daddy L,” James barely mumbled.

What? When? I felt like I was going to be sick.

“Did it feel good when I did that? Tongued your sweet little boy pussy?” Lionel asked him still looking at me, at my face watching my reaction.

James must have nodded his head or something in response because I heard him utter the phrase that phrase that he always used on me, that I knew meant he was serious, “Use your words.”

“Yes Daddy,” James barley mumbled.

“Do you think our sweet William is going to like it?” he asked.

I wanted to shake my head, to scream but he was looking at me. Watching me. He smiled as I squirmed lightly under him his face between my knees his tongue licking, circling.

“Tell me you want it, baby,” Lionel said moaning, bucking his hips backwards as he let out a loud groan a satisfied sound his body tensing above me for a just a minute before he closed his eyes wrapping his lips back around me, sucking hard. 

“Da…please,” I managed my brain blanking out saying what came naturally. I wanted him to stop. I needed him to stop. My little brother was watching this, watching him do this, watching him…, “Daddy please, please…please…I…please,” I barely managed my eyes rolling my body spasming as I shot down his throat. As I couldn’t deal with the heat anymore. 

You would think after that he would have stopped because my body was finished but he didn’t. He kept going until I couldn’t take it anymore. Until I was screaming. Until I couldn’t even form words to beg him to stop. Teddy and James just watching it happen. Teddy at one point grabbing James and sitting down with him on the floor silently, Lionel sucking until I…

“Oh, yum popping, that’s right baby pop for my tongue,” he said before driving his tongue into me.

I didn’t mean to stop breathing. I didn’t mean for it to happen but it felt like my lungs were shuttering and then for some reason I couldn’t…I couldn’t anymore. It felt weird but I remember not being able to make myself breathe in. No matter what.  
“Daddy…,” Teddy said tapping Lionel’s shoulder my vision going fuzzy around the edges turning slightly black like someone dimmed the lights. Teddy yelling something loudly I didn’t understand before I heard Lionel growl back someone flipping me over.

“It’s ok baby. There we go. There we go… a little too much huh? It’s ok, it’s ok that it felt good but you should remember to breathe little one. We can’t have you not breathing,” I felt someone’s fingers on my back. Someone rubbing their hand up and down my spine, “that’s it. Good boy. There we go. Such a good boy.”

“Is he ok Papa?” Teddy asked quietly.

“Yes, it happens sometimes with the younger ones. You’ve seen it happen to Luke remember?” Lionel asked him, “He just needs to relax. He’ll be fine though. And it was gentle so no harm no foul. Are you ok little one?” Lionel asked me as he noticed my eyes opening.

I nodded my head. I didn’t feel ok. I felt embarrassed. I hadn’t meant to stop breathing. To almost pass out. It wasn’t something I had meant to do at all.

It had probably scared Jay to death and Teddy was obviously worried too. Lionel had been worried enough to stop doing what it was he was doing and to…to flip me over onto my stomach and rub my back. Because I was conscious and not breathing he hadn’t wanted to start CPR but relax my Autonomic nervous system response.

I had been overstimulated to the point where my ability to control my life-sustaining actions like breathing had started being affected because of shock. A way to get them back into control is to slow them down by removing most stimulation and rubbing and messaging the spinal column gently to get the body back into balance. It works best on infants but it’s calming which is why humans instinctually rub the back of someone who is upset because it is a calming gesture that can allow the body to bring itself back into regulation, slow down heart rates and breathing, cease the release of high amounts of adrenaline into the system. 

So that what he had been doing and it had worked my body slowly calming down allowing me to breathe again. Allow my brain to stop racing long enough I was no longer in hypoventilation but had a more normal respiratory rhythm. It was something that had happened to me before which was probably why he had acted quickly enough that no medical help needed to be called.

“Oh yeah,” Teddy said nodding his head, “Are we done playing now?” Teddy asked him.

“I think so,” Lionel said still rubbing my back, “I feel very satisfied. Why don’t you and take my beautiful, sexy little one and go clean up? I’ll take this tiny sweet Peach and we’ll go use the tub in the other room. Then we’ll lay down for the night? What do you say?”

What? He was. No. Not him, not him. I knew I couldn’t…there wasn’t…

“Why can’t James come with us, Papa?” Teddy asked.

I wasn’t sure if he was reading my mind or watching my body language but he could sense I wasn’t ok with James being alone with that monster. Even if I could barely speak he knew I didn’t want James with him alone.

“Because he didn’t play so he’s not dirty so he would just be in the way if he went with you two,” Lionel answered, “That and you two are going to have each other for company. Don’t I have the right to some company too?”

“Willy do I have to go with him?” James dared to ask me as I sat up Lionel kissing my cheek before I moved away.

“Come here,” I said hugging him.

Even though I was naked I allowed him to climb into my lap so I could hold him because it wasn’t like he cared. I’d probably been naked in front of him for an hour if not longer. I doubt he really cared that he was sitting on my extremely irritated…boy parts. He was so scared he was shaking so the last thing he was worried about was my physical state of undress.

“Look I need you to go with him,” I whispered in his ear, “I’m sorry but…something really bad might happen if you don’t and I don’t want you hurt more than you have to be and I can’t stop him ok? So, can you try and be the very bravest boy you can be for me right now?” I asked him my eyes starting to sting.

He looked at me. Looked at me like he wanted to cry but nodded his head before he turned to Lionel squaring his little shoulders breaking my heart as the words came out, “Ok Daddy L, I’ll come with you. I’ll be good.”

“You are such a sweet little Peach, how about we go across the hall to that giant tub they have in there. We’ll take a bubble bath and meet Theodor and William back here for our sleepover ok?” Lionel said reaching out his hand as he stood up James taking it as he nodded his head.

“I’ll be back in a little while ok Willy?” James asked me as I nodded my head smiling at him, encouraging him to do it. Me somehow managing to hold it together until the door shut slamming my hand over my mouth to keep from screaming

“You did good, it’s ok,” Teddy said as I shook my head.

“I just…I…,” 

“Hey, no trust me you just did the right thing keeping calm and making him go. I’ve seen Papa take a 3 that size and bend his elbow the wrong way because he threw a fit because he didn’t want to go with him. I’ve seen him do worse to a one. I haven’t seen that kid around in a while but last time I did see him I think Papa messed up his arm bad because he never unbent it. The only reason the 3 was fine is because they let him see a real doctor I think. So, trust me you did the right thing. Even though it hurts and it’s scary,” Teddy said, “Come on. Let’s go clean up.”

“BUT HE…,” I felt my air get caught in my chest.

“No, he won’t. If he does anything it will be with his mouth. I promise he already…Don’t tell him I told you but he can only cum so many times a day. Apparently, it’s normal as you get older that’s what Dr. Palmer told me and he’s older. So, if he doesn’t take anything to help he can only do it like once or twice and day and he’s already done it twice. He won’t be able to get it hard enough to stick it in him I promise ok?”

I knew about that a little bit but it still surprised me that Teddy knew about it. However, Teddy did have a way of surprising me because while he acted like a spaz he was smart. A lot smarter then he let on. It still scared me, made me feel guilty even if Teddy was telling me it was the best thing I could have done in the situation.

It felt like I was sending him away to be murdered Teddy watching me as I covered my mouth with my hand trying to keep myself from screaming from sobbing. He was my little brother. My kid and Lionel was…he didn’t deserve that the sound of his screams echoing in my head as I closed my eyes him telling me how sticky he felt because Uncle Ben had…used his mouth and tongue on him. Held him down and forced his six-year-old little body to endure that. Feeling that.

“Come on, he might not even do anything in the tub. We don’t want to give him one more second alone with James then we need to. I do it with Luke all the time you did the right thing. I know it hurts but the best thing we can do right now is shower as fast as possible ok?” Teddy said grabbing my hand and pulling me up gently from the bed, “Are you ok?”

I shook my head. No, no I wasn’t ok. He had just raped me with his tongue and now he was probably going to do the same to my little brother. I was very far from ok. Teddy shutting the door to the bathroom as he looked around at it for a second, “This bathroom is huge. The one in the wing isn’t nearly this big. I mean there’s one or two in the main house and the one in the holding wing is huge because like five people use it at a time but…wow.”

“It’s for guest,” I mumbled.

“Do you have guest often?” he asked me.

“Hank Kingly and Arthur Gables sometimes,” I answered, “My Uncle but he’s less like a guest and more of a premiant thing.”

Teddy snorted, “Thing, I like that. I’ve heard stories about your Uncle the word thing describes him perfectly. Papa won’t let him touch me. I’ve seen him talk to my mom at our house. He always tells her how beautiful I am. How he would love to play with me and she always tells him he has to ask Papa.”

“So where is the…?”

I sighed opening the shower door and turning the handle, the spray coming out of all six shower heads at once, “The panel on the wall there controls it if you want to change the settings, make the water just come out of one instead of all of them and what not. I’m not good at working it but…,” I shrugged my shoulders.

“It’s fine we don’t want to be in here too long. You quit breathing a lot like that?”

“Sometimes,” I answered not wanting to think about it. About what Teddy had just seen before I remembered something.

“Why did you pretend for him?” I asked Teddy.

“If I don’t he gets mad. He says there’s no excuse for me because he trained me so I should always do what he says otherwise he’ll give me to Sergei when we get home and trust me, you do not under any circumstances what to deal with Sergei. He likes anal and he likes it a lot and he’s fucking huge. You always feel like you’re going to shit a 50-pound brick when you use the bathroom after he’s done. It’s not…it’s really painful,” Teddy told me shaking his head, “So it’s better to just give him what he wants. He finishes faster and yeah…I don’t like it though. You know that, right?”

“I didn’t think you did but it was weird,” I answered him quietly.

“Huh, yeah it’s weird but it keeps people from getting hurt. Me being one of them,” Teddy said.

“What he’s doing does hurt though,” I told him.

“Not physically. Trust me you don’t know pain until they put you on the stand and turn on the thruster while they whip you. It’s not…no one likes it,” Teddy said.

“What’s the thruster?” I dared to ask.

“It’s a …a toy,” Teddy said quietly shrugging his shoulders, “Papa said your older brother did something?”

“He tried to kill himself last night,” I answered as Teddy grabbed the shower sponge.

“You want me to wash your back?” He asked me as I shook my head, “Is he ok?”

“He hasn’t woken up yet so we don’t know,” I told him, “We’re all just waiting to see if he’ll wake up. I hope he does.”

“I hope he does too,” Teddy said as he noticed me looking at the door, “He’ll be ok. Like I said he can’t really rape him. Not until tomorrow if we stay that long.”

“I don’t want him to,” I admitted, “He’s too little he…”

“He’s exactly his type. Usually, he goes slower with…teaching or training his boys. But you took his time away so he’s hurrying. I heard him and mom and Louis talking about it,” he told me.

“What does that mean?” I dared to ask afraid of the answer but maybe if I knew, I could get James used to the idea. The idea of having to do those things with Lionel, of being alone with him more often.

“Usually like with Cole he…,” Teddy sighed, “Sorry it’s hard. I don’t talk about it really. Not with anyone.”

“You don’t have to,” I told him, “If you don’t want to tell me it’s ok.”

“No, you asked and it’s your little brother so…,” Teddy said before trying again, “He made me watch. Watch them have sex and then he made Cole …. he made him touch me. Made us do 69 and stuff like that. Had Cole…have sex with me. But it took a while to get to that. At first, it was just me watching them. Like he just made James do in there. And then it was us doing things together, with him. Like you and I just did. It took months to get to that point though. The way you were acting in there and what I’ve heard him tell mom you’ve only been with him a couple of times. So…he’s moving fast with you. Really fast. He’s training both of you at once. He has a pattern he follows like I said and he’s…he’s getting ready, to…to make James his boy.”

I shook my head the sound getting somewhere stuck in my throat. He was just little. He didn’t deserve that. He didn’t…he…

“I know,” Teddy said grabbing me before my legs gave out under me, “I know it’s ok though. He’ll be ok. I promise. I mean look at us, Look at Cole and me. We’re both ok. And Luke, Luke plays him with all the time and he’s mostly ok too. He’ll be ok. You’ll both be ok. I promise. I promise we’ll make sure he’s ok.”

“He won’t ever be ok,” I said, “Cole told me what he makes people do Teddy. He won’t ever be ok.”

“Wh-what?” Teddy said sounding a bit more unsure of himself, “He told you?” He….”

“I don’t blame him and I don’t blame you but, I know I won’t be ok so I seriously doubt he will be,” I admitted.

“He doesn’t do that until you’re older though. Not until you’re older and you’re almost done. For him, in his mind, you’re almost done. You’re almost 12. He has a couple more months with you and then he’ll move on. It’s a lot to handle but think of it this way, instead of having to do that to kids for years, little kids tiny kids you’ll only have to do it for a couple months, it…it won’t be like it…me.”

“Teddy, I know you don’t want to hurt anyone,” I said.

“It doesn’t matter what I want, he made me ok? He made me hurt those boys. He made me do horrible things to them. Really horrible things. At least for you, it will only be a couple of them. Before I was big enough to stick it in he’d make me use my hand. He’d make me make them scream until they couldn’t scream anymore anytime I did something bad. I once told him I didn’t want to play with Jai. You know who Jai is right?” he asked me and I nodded my head, “He made me use the thruster, control the settings on not Luke but some poor kid. He was maybe the same age as they are. Maybe. Even when he started bleeding they wouldn’t let me turn it off. Wouldn’t let me stop. It really hurt him, Will. It really hurt that kid because I said no. Because I wasn’t good. He does bad things.”

I nodded my head in understanding. If I was ever bad someone would pay. It would be a big price. One that no one should have to deal with. Cole had basically told me the same thing telling me about the one time he had refused to touch Teddy. How Lionel had killed that boy because he had said no.

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly.

“It’s not your fault,” Teddy said, “You need to hurry up because trust me you don’t want him alone with Papa for very long. I’m going to go,” He told me to which I nodded my head as he stepped out grabbing a towel and wrapping it around his waist.

So, I had done the best thing I could for Jay, being calm and sending him away with Lionel. Lionel who had probably forced him to lay there putting his mouth on him, sucking on him until he screamed. Until his penis burned like mine felt like it was burning even if the burn was starting to dull. I washed quickly not wanting to leave them alone sure that something would happen, that Lionel would make Teddy hurt my brother if I didn’t hurry. 

When I stepped out of the shower I didn’t hear any sounds. I opened the door to find Lionel holding James’ arm hard. Holding him in place as he spoke, “See notice how he’s cupping his tongue? How he’s making that shape with it as he licks my love meat?

James’ face was pale but he was watching Teddy nodding his head in response to Lionel’s words as Lionel let out a low excited growl rubbing the back of Teddy’s head with his other hand, “That’s it baby, that’s it…oh god…you’re so good at that.”

But I thought he was done that he couldn’t do it anymore. He looked plenty hard to me maybe not all the way hard but hard enough, hard enough he was getting something out of it. Out of what Teddy was doing as he ran his tongue over Lionel’s penis like it was an ice cream cone he was licking.

I thought I was going to throw up. James’ eyes trained on Teddy, on what he was doing as Lionel held his arm before his grip loosened. His hand sliding down. He was going to…and I couldn’t say anything. If I said something he would hurt him. Hurt him worse than that. His hand going to James’ lap James’s eyes going wide as he gasped.

“It’s ok my little Peach. I just want to make you feel good. Work on clearing those pipes so we can get that sweet cream to come out eventually,” Lionel muttered.

“Daddy L?” I said quietly him turning to look at me, finally noticing me.

“Ah, there you are. Do you want to play with me my little one? I’d love to nurse on you. Can you nurse me?” He asked.

It still hurt. I knew I couldn’t say no but it was still sore. Me closing my eyes so that I didn’t have to know I was nodding my head with my eyes open. That I was…that I was agreeing to it. 

“Ok, little Prince you can stop,” Lionel said gently still rubbing the back of Teddy’s head as Teddy stopped sitting up and looking at Lionel, wiping his mouth off on the back of his hand.

“Are you sure Daddy?” Teddy asked him his voice small like it had been before when he had been asking those things.

“Yes, I’m sure my Prince now don’t be greedy, you must share me,” Lionel said before he grabbed Teddy by the back of his neck shoving his tongue in Teddy’s mouth for a second kissing him, Teddy putting his hands on each one of Lionel’s shoulders while he did it before Lionel pulled away, stopped kissing him, “How about you turn off the lights and we’ll all settle in?” Lionel asked.

Teddy stood up going over and turning off the overhead light leaving only one of the nightstand lamps on as he looked at me beckoned me forward with his hand, “Come here little one. We’re going to play the quiet game you remember that?”

I nodded my head him laughing as he looked at me.

“I didn’t mean yet, can you tell me what the quiet game is just for review?” Lionel asked me.

“It means I try not to make any sound as you…huh,” I mumbled not wanting to think about it. Think about what that meant my penis throbbing already hurting as I just thought about it. What he was going to do to me.

“You mean as we make love don’t you little one? After all, you are in there. It is your body,” Lionel said.

“Right,” I answered without thinking, “Sorry Daddy L as we make love. As you…”

“You mean as you nurse me to sleep?” he prompted me nodding his head, my stomach hurting as my throat felt tight like I wanted to gag.

“As I nurse you to sleep,” I repeated.

“Good boy, come here,” he said standing up offering me his hand, “Come in bed right here next to our sweet little peach ok?”

Teddy was still standing his hand on the lamp sitting on the nightstand on that side of the bed the room mostly dark. James looking at me watching me his eyes sad like he was going to cry as I nodded my head trying to make myself go numb walking forward and grabbing his hand as he helped me onto the bed and made me lay down pulling the covers up over all three of us before pulling back the corner in front of me so that my front was exposed as Teddy turned off the light.

“Goodnight Daddy,” Teddy said.

He must have elbowed James or something because James mumbled, “Good night Daddy L. Goodnight Willy, Teddy.”

“Goodnight,” I mumbled as I felt Lionel’s hand on my chin, touching my face as he laid down next to me turning me to lay on my side so my back was to James, to Teddy.

“My special boy huh, nurse me until I’m nice and strong,” he whispered into my ear before he started kissing the familiar path down my body his hand going behind me.

At first, I thought he was going to grab my ass but he didn’t me hearing a small whimper before Lionel said in his deathly quiet voice, “You’re going to help little peach that’s all. There’s nothing to be ashamed about. You’re just helping William feel good, you want him to feel good, don’t you?”

He was going to…if James didn’t. If he fought something bad would happen me muttering, “Jay just do it, it’s ok. You can touch me.”

“But mummy and Julie sai…”

“Mummy and Julie aren’t here little Peach, there’s nothing wrong with making someone you love feel good. I’m just asking you to help me make him feel good, just touch his love meat. That’s all little Peach,” Lionel said me having to swallow and breathe deeply through my nose to keep myself from getting sick. From throwing up all over Lionel as I felt his tiny hand go there. It trembling against my skin as Lionel held it to me before Lionel moved his head down, his tongue lapping gently as I gasped sharply, “Now remember little one, we’re playing the quiet game.”

I nodded my head even though I’m pretty sure he didn’t see it taking my silence as permission for him to continue my chest heaving as I tried to stay silent Lionel eventually pushing Jay’s hand away as it got harder to breathe. I remember squeezing something hard but I can’t remember what it was. I think it was the comforter or a pillow because it was too soft to be a human and way too soft and not solid to be the bed frame. He made me climax repeatedly. Me locking my jaw trying so hard to not scream, to not make a sound knowing that if I did he would hurt Jay, he would make Jay do something bad. Me trying to cry silently as he kept going, as he kept sucking until all I could feel was this weird burning. Until my skin felt raw him barely sticking his finger inside of me the very last time to feel my body contract around his finger.

When he was done he didn’t say anything just unlatched from my skin and sat up pulling himself up into the pillows and rolled over turning his back to me. I felt like I was shaking but I was pretty sure I was still. I’m not sure if I was waiting for him to fall asleep or what but I was sore. It fucking hurt. Like a bad rug burn between my legs. Me trying to stay as still as possible.


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will sits in terrible pain all night to be told it's time to move, to get up. His day only seeming to get worse as he's forced to listen to his little brother screaming through the bathroom door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1154 to 1171 **Warnings: Rape/non-con, forced oral, forced kissing, anxiety, mental health issues, THE off script rape of a very young child, child sexual abuse** I'm probably going to update John part 2 tomorrow because after that I'm going to be moving so otherwise I might miss my first week of the month goal.

I don’t think I closed my eyes. I don’t think…I don’t think the pain let me. At some point everyone starting to move around me the sun starting to come up. I vaguely remember the phone ringing Lionel picking it up and answering it, “Hello? Yes, no they were very well behaved. Some of us had a sleepover in the guest sweet downstairs. Oh? The sweet ones. You know what ones I’m talking about. Oh yes, yes, we had a lot of fun. I didn’t hear a peep from the rest all night. Do you have any news about the…? Yeah, ok I’ll let them know for sure. Yep, I’m pretty sure Alice is going to be in for her shift soon so I’ll end up getting up and going off for a while. You too,” Lionel said before hanging up the phone.

“Was that Daddy?” James asked quietly.

“Yes, my sweet little Peach, that was your Daddy. He said there hasn’t been any change. Little one? I can see your eyes open little one. I know you’re awake,” he said before kissing my forehead, “Are you ok?”

“I’m ok Daddy L,” I said.

“Good why don’t you wake up Teddy and go wash again? Take your time,” he told me.

I nodded my head numbly not sure what else there was to do James shaking Teddy awake and mumbling something to him as he sat up Lionel leaving the bed in order to allow me to climb out. It hurt. I barely made it into the bathroom as Teddy shut the door.  
“It’s ok,” Teddy said grabbing me helping me move as I bit back a scream, “You’re ok.”

“How do…?”

“He only does it like that when he’s pissed,” Teddy said, “What did you do?”

Right then there was a horrible scream me moving to push Teddy away. He was raping him. I knew he was raping him.

“Don’t,” Teddy said quietly holding me tighter, “Don’t interrupt him. It will be so much worse if you do. You need to let it happen, ok?”

“No,” I shook my head the tears finally breaking my eyes, “He’s just little. He can’t…he’s too little. Teddy, you have to stop him. He’s too little.”

“He’s been through it before and it will hurt yeah, but he’ll be ok,” Teddy told me, “If we don’t interrupt he’ll be ok.”

“No,” I said sobbing try to do so as silent as possible, “Last time he barely talked for weeks. Yesterday was the first time he’s left my bedroom in days please…please just…”

“I can’t!” Teddy hissed, “You don’t understand he will hurt him. He will take you to the Villa and he will make you hold the fucking knife and force you to cut some kid open so Sergei or some other sick fuck can rape him through it. He’ll make James watch. You don’t want to do that to him. Just let it happen. Let it happen. Come on, let’s shower.”

Just thinking about it was too much my stomach rebelling me barely making it to the toilet as I started barfing trying to block out the screams of my six-year-old brother being raped. Being raped on the other side of a door that I knew I shouldn’t open even though every cell in my brain was telling me to stop it. To do whatever I could to make Lionel stop hurting him. Teddy had to pull me into the shower after he turned it on. Had to make me climb into it.

I couldn’t bring myself to stand though. I hurt too much and James was screaming too loudly. Begging for him to stop once or twice before it went back to wordless screams and sobs. Me sobbing with him biting my tongue to keep myself silent as Teddy showered and spoke, trying to distract me from what I was hearing. From what I knew was happening on the other side of the door.

“Finn is going to be so pissed that you’re back he was really hoping you were out. That you guys wouldn’t come back. That’s probably why he’s so pissed. Because you left and he wasn’t done yet. It’ll be ok though as long as you do what he says. Hopefully, you’ll learn from the mistakes Cole and I made that you just do what you’re told and you’ll be fine. Everything will be fine,” Teddy said.

“What? Finn is pissed because I left and he wasn’t done? With what?” I asked.

“No, Papa,” Teddy said frowning and shaking his head, “Are you having issues here? Do you…?”

“One you’re talking too fast. Two you hear that” I pointed at the door as James let out another pitiful sob, “Is the sound of him sodomizing my six-year-old brother. I’m not in the mood to talk and my brain is rattled. Not the mention my cock is sore. So yeah…excuse me for being a bit scattered.”

Teddy sighed sitting down in the middle of the shower with me, “ I’m sorry. I don’t like listening to it ok? At our house at home not at the Villa there’s not a lot of screaming going on but at the Villa, it’s all you ever hear. You become desensitized to it. I’m sorry, ok? The best thing you can do when Papa is done with him is take him upstairs and clean him off and tuck him in with you and let him cry it out. That’s all you can do. It’ll…”

“Don’t tell me it will hurt less the more it happens because you know that’s a fucking lie,” I spat.

“I wasn’t going to say that. I was going to say he’s probably going to want him peg trained. After he gets high enough then it won’t hurt,” Teddy told me.

“Peg trained?” I asked him.

“It’s…an old thing. It… basically, you know how they shove into you and it burns sometimes when they do that especially if they are really big? Like bigger then you’re used to?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “What about it?”

“Peg training is with anal plugs. They use a plug of one size or make you use a plug of one size every night for about two weeks until you’re used to it and then they go up a size. They do that slowly until Papa thinks you’re done training and then your body as long as your relaxed remembers the biggest plug you took. So, then when someone that’s like huge like say, Sergei, pushes in it doesn’t hurt as much as long as you are stretched out a little before he does it.

He’ll make sure he’s peg trained ok? He’ll go slow. I mean hopefully he’ll slow down for a while after this but I’m not sure because he usually does things really different. I was peg trained,” Teddy added quietly.

“Does it really hurt less after they…?” I trailed off.

“Yeah,” Teddy said nodding his head, “He didn’t start peg training me until I was seven or eight. Before that, it was mostly Papa and Louis and Louis always hurt. He didn’t like stretching me. So, it always hurt a lot. But afterward it wasn’t horrible. It didn’t pinch and burn nearly as much. That’s when he started letting other people play with me. When I was done peg training. He’ll be better off if he does it that way even though it sounds super gross.”

“What do you mean every night?” I asked.

“Like when you’re sleeping you sleep with it inside you,” Teddy said.

It baffled me how he could talk about it like it was no big deal. Like it was a normal part of life to sleep with something up your ass. To me it didn’t sound anywhere near normal for an adult to do let alone a seven-year-old.

“There’s a reason,” Teddy said filling the awkward silence he had created, “It keeps you from ripping. Like a lot of boys get fissures especially a lot of ones that aren’t peg trained because some of them like going really deep but, if you’re peg trained it happens less.

You should ask your dad about it. He might have you guys do it. I’m telling you it hurts way less once you have been. Not that it feels good really just like …and you might think it stretches you out, makes you not as tight but it actually doesn’t. It does the opposite sometimes, just makes it easier for you to …you know…”

“Take it up the ass?” I asked him causing him to snort in laughter.

“Sorry, sorry that’s…that’s not…,” Teddy said trying to stop himself from laughing.

“No, it kind of was,” I admitted, “That’s what it does though. It makes it easier to take it up the ass.” I said allowing a small smile to crack.

“I love it when you smile,” Teddy said looking at me still giggling the words making my chest feel tight.

I…I knew he didn’t really mean anything by it but it still stung. The only thought keeping me calm was at least he didn’t say he loved my dick because that wasn’t…

“Will, it’s ok,” Teddy said, “I didn’t mean it in a gross way. I meant you’re my friend and it’s…it’s relaxing. To know that maybe for a second I made you feel something other than sad. I’m sorry if I scared you.”

“It’s ok,” I said noticing that it was now silent besides the running water me wondering what was going on. Why he wasn’t crying anymore. What was… “Why isn’t he crying?”

“What?” Teddy asked me.

“James isn’t crying,” I told him.

“He probably told him to play the quiet game. You get good at it really fast. He likes to nurse when it’s quiet,” Teddy said, “We should…we should hurry up now.”

“Why? Why didn’t you want to hurry before?” I asked him.

“He’ll be mad if we interrupt him but if we take too long after he’s finished he’ll be mad then too. You should wash,” Teddy told me.

“Right,” I said standing up as Teddy handed me the sponge.

“When he’s done just take him upstairs ok? Take him upstairs and get him in the bath. Hold him and let him scream as loud as he needs to ok?” Teddy told me.

I nodded my head. It wouldn’t be the first time I had done that. I knew it wouldn’t be the last time I did that either. Of course, it wouldn’t be.

Not if he was truly Lionel’s boy. I wanted to rip my skin off every time Lionel touched me. I didn’t imagine that feeling ever going away even just thinking about Lionel touching me causing that urge to creep through my system. I was honestly surprised that Lionel hadn’t mentioned my bandaid that was hiding the cut on my stomach. The cut that Alice had cleaned up me rinsing one last time before I climbed out going into the bedroom.

Teddy put his finger to his lips me barely seeing it, Lionel doing that to him. James’ eyes closed as he was trying to stay calm. His hand on the back of Lionel’s head as he made him…as he made Jay lay there like that. His mouth over James’ genitals completely, his scrotum and everything. James’ breathing picking up after a few minutes James making small sounds until his body started shaking him looking like he was having a seizure until he went still his breathing starting to slow down as Lionel let go, smiling up at him as he kissed his belly button.

“That’s my sweet little peach. You have such a tasty little fruit. Such a good little boy.” He muttered kissing the center of his chest and then his forehead.

“I’m going to go shower, I have fresh clothes in the room. Do you know where you left yours?” Lionel asked looking at Teddy.

“Yeah Papa,” Teddy mumbled, “Do you want me to get dressed now?”

“Yes, I’ll leave you here with this sweet little Peach ok, little one? I want you to take good care of him and get him upstairs. Let him rest.

Playing always takes a lot of the young ones, the sweetest ones.” Lionel grabbed my chin gently forcing open my mouth. Forcing me to kiss him. I allowed it to happen knowing that if I freaked out it wouldn’t help him. Help James. James who was probably so scared and in so much pain. More pain than any little boy ever deserved to feel.

Lionel waited a minute looking at me expectantly, expecting me to say something. I said the only thing I could think of that might satisfy him. Might get him to leave us, “Ok Daddy L. I love you.”

“I love you too little one, such a sweet boy,” he said before kissing my forehead and then turning to Teddy, “Come on Theodor let’s leave them to it.”

“Bye Will,” Teddy said quietly, “James.”

With that, they shut the door quietly. I think I stood there for a minute or two to make sure he was actually gone before I moved slowly and quietly towards the bed James’ eyes still closed, still breathing heavy. His whole body shaking and sweaty, pale. His fist balled at his sides like he was trying really hard to be silent. To not make a sound as he little chest kept heaving his breathing too fast.

“Jay, Jay bud, it’s me. It’s Willy,” I said quietly as I sat down on the bed his whole body jerking suddenly as he bit his bottom lip like he was trying to keep himself from screaming, “It’s me, bud. You’re ok. You’re going to be ok.”

He didn’t open his eyes but he shook his head. Me reaching out my hand hoping he would open his eyes and take it. Me understanding how badly his skin was crawling. How badly he might need to have physical space and not be touched.

“Jay, can you open your eyes? Let me know that you’re here? That you’re not away somewhere else in your head?” I asked him quietly.

He made a small whimpering sound, “I want my castle… I want…”

“I know bud he’s gone now. He’s gone right now you’re safe. You want to go to your castle you can but just open your eyes let me see that you’re still here for right now ok?” I begged him.

He opened his eyes. His eyes bloodshot as he looked at me, looking numb, tired. His eyes looking the way no six-year-old eyes should ever look.

“He stuck in my butt,” he mumbled, “It hurt. Daddy and he said it would hurt less but it didn’t.”

I slammed my hand over my mouth taking a deep breath trying to make sure I didn’t cry. My poor baby. My…and I had…I had let it happen.

I hadn’t stopped him. I had let it happen. He should hate me. Hate me for letting Lionel do that to him. For letting Lionel rape him.

“It’s ok Willy,” he said quietly like he was sleepy, “I can’t feel it anymore.”

“Can I hold you bud? Would you be ok with that?” I asked him.

“I’m so tired. I want Mama to hold me,” he mumbled me wondering where his brain was that he didn’t remember she wasn’t around.

“Mama’s not here right now so I’m going to hold you ok?” I told him to which he numbly nodded his head. Me sitting down on the bed next to him pulling him into my arms.

“My boy pussy is bleeding I think. It feels sticker then what Uncle Ben did with his mouth.” He told me.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head as I started rocking him, “You want to go to your castle now for a little while? It’s ok to go there now. I’m right here and I’ll make sure nothing bad happens.”

“What if you can’t stop …” he trailed off.

My only thought as at least he’s falling asleep. At least he won’t have to deal with the physical pain if he’s falling asleep. At least he can escape from it for a little while.

“It won’t be him. I can stop other people but I can’t stop him. That’s why I hate him so much. I’m sorry. I’m sorry he…”

“It’s not you,” he said quietly his speech still slow, “It’s…”

He went silent. I felt his neck for a pulse. If he was bleeding internally he could bleed out and I would never know it. So, the first thing I did was check his pulse to make sure his heart was still beating. 

It seemed normal him sighing heavily allowing me to know that he was breathing fine. He was probably just exhausted. I moved carefully picking up the phone and dialing out, dialing Dr. Palmer's cell phone number which mum had made us memorize in case we ever got taken home. In case we were ever kidnapped and brought back somehow. She had been her sure Vic would get us back out again, somehow get us safe and back to her again.

“Hello? Connor? Alice?” I heard him asked. His voice sounding tired.

“It’s Will,” I said quietly.

“Is everything ok Will?” Vic asked his voice sounding a little more awake.

“He was here. He raped him. I wanted to stop him but Teddy said it would be so much worse if I tried to,” I mumbled feeling numb. Feeling like I was somewhere between wanting to scream and cry and not feeling anything.

“Teddy’s right,” Vic told me, “You did good Will. You did Well. Do you want to tell me what you mean when you say raped? Who him is?”

“Jay,” I answered numbly, “He did all of it. His mouth and everything. I think he passed out. James, I mean. He was talking and telling me it hurt and then he stopped talking. I checked his pulse and his breathing and he’s fine but he’s asleep. I don’t think he’s bleeding or anything but I can’t tell.”

“Ok, I’m on my way. Can you tell me who is there with you guys?” Vic asked as I heard him moving around on the side of the phone.

“He is,” I answered.

“Lionel is still there?” He asked me.

“Yeah,” I said quietly.

“Ok, I need you to hang up the phone. I’ll be there as soon as I can to check on you guys but you need to hang up the phone and do whatever he’s told you. What did he tell you to do?”

“Take him upstairs and let him sleep,” I answered.

“Then that’s what you do. I’ll be there in a little while ok?” Vic told me.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head and hanging up the phone.

It still burned. Everything burned but somehow I managed to make it upstairs carrying him to the lift and holding him, letting him sleep me climbing into the tub as I heard the lift kicking on again. It was probably Alice I figured it was Alice.

I felt like my whole body was shaking as I pulled him into the tub with me after I had adjusted the water. He didn’t deserve this. This was my fault. If I hadn’t of been so stupid to leave him alone with Lionel. If I hadn’t of…

I took a deep breath to calm myself down. Crying wouldn’t help him now. He needed me to be strong. To be strong enough for him and me. To be strong enough for him because Mum and John the two people he really needed weren’t there. Because all he had was me.

“You’re ok bud, I’m right here and it’s ok. Just stay in your castle, stay where it’s safe,” I whispered as I grabbed the loofa and poured soap on it taking one of his tiny arms in my other hand and holding it out starting to wash him. 

I tried to go slow because I didn’t wan…I didn’t want to wake him up. I knew he’d be sore. That he’d scream and cry a loud bang on the door doing what I was hoping to avoid.

“NO NO NO PLEASE NO!!! NO…NO!!!” he screamed so loud I swore my eardrums vibrated whoever it was opening the door.

“Oh James sugar…,” I heard as Alice opened the door.

“Alice, leave,” I said holding onto the shower curtain trying to hold it closed.

“Will I’m not going to…”

“I DON’T FUCKING CARE LEAVE!! HE’S MINE! I HAVE HIM AND HE’S SAFE YOU FUCKING GO! GO!” I spat cradling him, “It’s ok bud. I’m right here and no one is going to touch you ok? No one is going to touch you. I’m right here and I’m going to keep you safe ok? I’m going to keep you safe. I swear. I won’t let anyone touch you, ok? Ok?”

“I …,” he managed before he started sobbing again, “It hurts Willy it hurts.”

“I know bud, I’m right here. I’m right here and I know it hurts. He hurt me too…we’re going to be ok though. You did so well. You did so…we’ll be ok. I’m going to get us cleaned like I did before, ok? And then we’ll go to bed where it’s safe and no one will touch us ok?”

He nodded his head crying big crocodile tears sobbing so loudly he was screaming, my heart breaking. I didn’t think she would hurt him. I just didn’t want her touching him. He deserved to feel safe and no one was going to make him feel safe. No one but me. Cole’s words echoing in my head that he felt safe with me. That when he was with me he knew he was safe. Me holding onto those words as I rocked him as I let him scream and cry as loudly as he wanted until they started to subside until he started to calm down.

I’m not sure if he screamed himself horse or not but there was a small knock on the door. He didn’t scream again but started shuddering in my arms jerking slightly as he looked up looked at the curtain.

“It’s ok. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you. I’m right here and I’m not going to let them hurt you. I swear,” I told him as someone knocked on the door again.

“William, Alice said you two were in here. It’s me, it’s Vic I’m coming in,” he told us as he opened the door, “Is he with you.”

“What do you think?” I asked.

“Will I’m not going to hurt him ok? You called me. Remember? Is he bleeding did you check?” he asked me.

“I don’t know,” I answered, “we’ve been sitting here for a little while so…if he was it’s probably washed away.”

“Did you notice any slightly pink water?” Vic asked through the curtain it sounding like he sat down on the toilet.

“No,” I answered.

“Ok, at least we know what that sticky feeling was knowing…knowing Lionel. Are you ok James?”

I think he waited for James to say something, anything James looking at me and shaking his head. Me sighing as I kissed the top of it allowed him to curl himself tighter into my lap, to use me as a shield trying to protect himself.

“He’s…he goes quiet,” I explained, “It’s ok bud. No one is going to hurt you. I’m right here. I’m right here.”

“What about you are you ok?” he asked me.

“I’m sore,” I answered.

“Lionel raped you?” Vic asked me quietly.

“He…nursed,” I said feeling my face get warm just saying the word.

“Hard?” Vic asked to which I nodded my head before I realized he hadn’t touched the curtain. That my curtain was a dark blue compared to John’s curtain that was a sky blue that you could easily make out an outline through. That he wouldn’t be able to see me nod my head.

“Yes,” I managed.

“Ok, I can give you something to help with burn even though you have plenty of A and D here so you can always use that. What I can prescribe is a little bit stronger than that so that’s up to you. And I recommend you use Ice because what’s really going to hurt is the swelling. He basically bruised your genitals. Ok?”

“I figured,” I answered. James’ head shooting up to look at me before he made me lean close to him whispering in my ear.

“He bruised your penis? With his mouth?” he asked me.

“Yeah, he did. I told you he hurt me too,” I admitted to him.

“What? Who are…is he talking to you?” Vic asked me.

“Yeah, he asked me something. I was just answering,” I told him.

“Does he usually do this? Quit speaking I mean after an assault or when he gets upset?” Vic asked.

“Yeah, I used to do it when I was his age too,” I told Vic.

“It’s a sign of severe anxiety,” Vic told me.

“I know,” I said, “I used to do it. I know why he goes quiet. I’m not stupid he’s my brother.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you,” Vic said quietly, “I would like to say he’s not bleeding but I’d really like to check just to make sure. In someone his age bleeding is actually pretty common so if you want to stand him up and let me look I’d be…”

“I don’t want you to. I don’t want you touching him,” I said, “I shouldn’t have called. I’m sorry I wasted your time.”

“I will get Alice involved. To help me take a look if I have to. It’d be easier on both you and him if you just made him stand up ok? I don’t want to upset him any more than I have to so I just need you to stand him up and hold him. That’s it. I won’t do anything but spread his cheeks to check ok?” Vic told me.

So, he was going to take a look whether we agreed to it or not? Awesome. Like this poor kid hadn’t dealt with enough yet? I sighed trying to figure out what I could do, say that would make any of this easier for him.

I looked at James rubbing his back as he huddled against me, using my body to shield himself from Vic even though I hadn’t pulled the curtain open yet.

“Bud, can you be super brave for me again?” I asked him hating that I had ever told him that. Hating that I had told him to go with Lionel the night before. Hating myself and the fact that maybe if I had been better, done what Lionel wanted better he wouldn’t have done it. That he wouldn’t have raped him. That he wouldn’t have raped my baby if I had been better. If I had…

“Will I need you to answer me. If you don’t answer me I’m going to go get Alice and she’s going to help me take a look at him and probably you too.”

“Sorry,” I said quietly, “Come on bud, I want you to hug my shoulders and stand up ok? And spread your legs.”

“I don’t want to,” he whispered just loud enough for me to hear.

“I know bud. I wish I could tell you that you didn’t have to but …he wants to make sure you’re ok. So, he’s going to look. You just have to be a really brave boy and if you get scared you squeeze me ok? Squeeze me as tight as you can and if I think he’s going to hurt you I’ll stop him. I’ll make him stop. I promise,” I told him.

“You promise?” he whispered.

“I swear ok?” I told him. He nodded his head in response, “Vic you can open the curtain.”

I helped him stand up his legs shaking as he pressed down on my shoulders my body holding his weight. His legs were beyond sore. I knew that. 

It didn’t take a rocket scientist to understand that someone pushing on your body like that made your legs hurt. Especially when you were little. When your body was that small Vic pulling the curtain open already wearing gloves and tube of something in his hand that he put a drop onto the gloves.

“Ok James, I know this is scary and it’s going to hurt. I’m not going to lie it’s going to hurt but I need you to spread your legs like your about to squat ok?”

“Willy, I don’t want to,” he whispered to me loud enough for just me to hear again.

“I know bud but I’m right here and no one is going to hurt you. He’s not going to do it because he wants to hurt you he’s making sure everything is ok. So, you just hold onto me and you close your eyes and you listen to doctor Palmer. Ok?”

He nodded his head closing his eyes and doing what he was told.

“Ok I know it’s scary sweetheart but I need you to open your legs just a little farther ok? Thank you. Now, this is going to sound weird but I need you to push out like you’re pooping ok? Yes, good job ok, now just let me…” James' eyes went wide as he squeezed my shoulders.

“I know, I’m right here…It’s ok I’m right here.”

“And done…good job. Good job. You did great James. You did great. You can sit down now. Ok? It’s over you can sit down.”

“Is it…?”

“A little irritated. Otherwise, he’s all right. It looks like he was bleeding but that it’s mostly ceased. 

He doesn’t have any fissures or anything so he should be all right in a couple of days. He’ll just be a little sore for a while. You and Alice make sure he takes a stool softener once a day for the next 10 days or so. It’ll help him avoid pain. Can I check and see how you’re doing?”

“You mean my…?” I shook my head.

“Are you sure? Now would be the perfect time to check,” Vic pointed out me looking at the little boy in my arms who had just had that man’s finger up his ass causing me to sigh.

“Ok,” I said agreeing to it as I looked at James, “Ok bud I’m going to let Dr. Palmer check me too ok? You want to stay right there?” he nodded his head at me moving so that I could stand up. Vic changing his gloves as I did throwing the pair he had been wearing to check James in the trash.

“Ok same thing, yep, thank you and now push…, yep,” I felt him spread my cheeks feeling my face heat up him leaning in close inspecting my back side closely, “Good, now I’m just going to…” I gasped. It didn’t feel good. Getting a finger shoved up your ass does not usually feel good especially one you don’t want there. I managed to breathe through the pressure before he pulled away, “And done. It’s actually healing really well. I’m really surprised. You’re saying he didn’t penetrate you last night?”

I felt my face glowing just thinking about it. Wishing he hadn’t asked me that. This wasn’t about me. This had been about James. Him checking to make sure James was ok. I shook my head in response.

“Wait he did or he didn’t?” he asked me.

“He didn’t,” I answered quietly.

“Ok, well I’m glad he didn’t. You have at least 10 more days that you need I’d say. Hopefully longer but with this…last night, I’m not sure you’re going to get it. Make sure you keep rinsing yourself though, you keep using the stool softener and you just take it easy ok?” Vic told me.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “Have you…?”

“No change yet. I think the guys are going to come see you though. Hang out. They are waiting for news just as badly as you are,” Vic told me.

“I don’t think he’s supposed to…he got mad,” I said quietly.

“Who got mad about what?” Vic asked me.

“He got mad that Cole was in my room with me,” I said as James curled back into my lap.

“Ah,” Vic said nodding his head, “he’s possessive. Just respect it. Cole can still come over just keep the door open if you’re alone. He’s worried you’ll fool around on him. Especially if what I’ve heard about other things is true.”

Vic saying that made it hit me. I must have shown it on my face because Vic frowned.

“Are you ok?” Vic asked me.

“Just he only picks…certain…certain boys,” I said my brain voicing what I had just pieced together.

“Yes,” Vic said nodding his head.

“Because you are…and obviously Kris and Cole are and Teddy is and so am I so…,” I trailed off.

“Sometimes I think he smells it on us. It’s the only way to explain it. I don’t think it happens because of him. I think it’s already there,” Vic told me.

James was gay. James was gay and Lionel knew. No one else knew but he did. I wasn’t even sure James knew.

I mean sure he had once told me he was going to marry his friend named Rob that he went to school with and I doubted that was a girl in anyway shape or form but it was sleepy mutterings of a six-year-old. It didn’t…but I guess it did. I guess it did mean something.

“What do we…” Vic cut me off.

“Nothing,” Vic said, “We don’t do anything. It’ll all become clear.”

James leaned up whispering in my ear, “Do about what?”

That was cute. I couldn’t help but smile at that. I felt relieved that he had asked such an innocent question. Such a sweet innocent question.

“Nothing Bud,” I said, “I’ll tell you when you’re older ok?”

He just nodded his head smiling at me before he whispered, “Where’s my duck man?”

“In your bathroom. We’re in mine remember?”

His eyes went wide and he nodded his head in understanding.

His duck man was a toy he played with when he spent a long time in the shower. It made him feel better for some reason. I felt like it was a sign. A sign that this time he would be ok. That next time he might not be but this time he was ok. That eventually he would speak again to other people that weren’t me. That may be even as soon as in a couple of days he’d feel safe enough to speak again.

“You both seem ok so I’m going to go,” Vic said, “Take it easy today guys and I want you to know that you are both very brave and you both did very well. A lot of people don’t like that exam but you both handled it like pros. I’m proud of you.”

With that, he left shutting the curtain and then the bathroom door behind him.

“Willy?” he asked me barely above a whisper.

“Yeah, bud?” I asked him.

“Why was…Teddy talking like that? Like he…,” James little face flushing.

“Well, Teddy doesn’t like it either but you know how John and I are used to Da?” he nodded his head, “Teddy is used to the leader and he does things a certain way. He likes it when the boy he’s with says those things. Acts like they want to do it.” I explained quietly.

“That’s why you tried to do it too?” he asked me.

That hurt. I wasn’t sure why but it did. Maybe it was because he said I tried to do it meaning I didn’t succeed, not that it was something I wanted to be good at. Or maybe because it confirmed he had heard it. That he had really been there for that part.   
He turned around to look at me his eyes sad, “It’s ok Willy. I won’t tell anyone. I know you didn’t want to. Luke told me about it. Sometimes the leader is really mean. He would have hurt us. Because there weren’t any ones around he would have hurt us. I didn’t want him to hurt you. That’s why…” his little face turned even redder before he started sobbing.

“I know,” I told him, “It’s ok though. You did good. You did what you were supposed to ok? And you didn’t hurt me. You just…”

“But you didn’t want me too,” he barely managed through his tears.

“That’s true but I also didn’t want you to get hurt. And he would have hurt you. He would have. You did what you had to and I forgive you ok bud? I forgive you,” I told him.

“It did hurt,” he said, “His…”

“I know. I’m sorry. If I could have stopped him I would have. I swear,” I told him.

“I know,” Jay said barely above a whisper again before clinging to me burying his face in my neck.

I wanted to scream. He didn’t deserve any of this. He was a little boy. He didn’t deserve to feel so guilty for what one old nasty man made him do to me. It hadn’t even hurt. I barely remembered it but I felt like that moment would be stuck in his mind forever and Lionel had done that to him. Just like he would do that to me.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. You did what you had to. You didn’t do anything wrong bud,” I told him hugging him as he cried.

None of this was fair to him. He was just little. My brain just kept repeating that. I eventually got the loop out of my head. I felt guilty. Guilty that he had been there to see that, that Lionel had done that to him.

“I think the water’s getting cold Willy,” James pointed out to me.

I sighed. I didn’t want to leave yet. I wanted it to just be us. Where I knew he was safe. Where I knew no one would touch him. Where I knew more importantly that he would feel safe. 

“Willy? It’s ok now, we’re ok,” he said smiling at me, encouraging me.

“I’m sorry bud,” I said, “I’m sorry that…”

“You didn’t do it. You didn’t do anything to me,” James pointed out, “Come on Willy we’ll get out and shower again later ok? Maybe you can read to me?”

I sighed. He was so sweet. How was he so sweet? Lionel had just…not even a couple hours ago and while he was quiet and had been sobbing and screaming now he just wanted to lay with me and read. Probably Harry Potter. I think we had left off together somewhere near the end of book one. Me nodding my head.

“Yeah, that sounds like a good idea,” I agreed as he stood up which allowed me to stand up as well me turning off the water, “You want my shirt or your own?”

“Yours,” he said quietly his voice sounding like he was going to cry again. 

It made me wonder what he told James. To make him…not like his own smell his own things. Even though he was the same way with his voice. I was sure of it. Because he always told us he loved the sounds we made. I was sure of it. His voice echoing in my head for a minute “make those delicious sounds little one” causing me to close my eyes and take a deep breath to calm myself down. To remind myself that I had someone else that needed me. That I could cry later.

Later when I was alone where no one could hear me. Where no one would worry. I quickly found my clothes and then gave some over to James. I felt sore still but better. Me picking him up and helping him to bed because even if he could walk it hurt. When your body was that small and had endured something being forcefully shoved into it, it didn’t matter if it was your throat your ass or any other hole you had it hurt. A lot. Me setting him down as he curled up against the wall before I crawled into bed as well holding him.

“Are you ok bud?” I asked him to which he looked at me before he nodded his head him whispering quietly barely loud enough for me to hear.

“I think I’m tired.”

“Ok well, let’s take a nap. Sleep for a little bit ok?” I said to which he nodded his head grabbing my hand and rubbing it against his crown. The idea making me nervous for a second before I realized what he was getting at. He wanted me to run my hand through his hair like mum did. Like I often found myself doing for him me kissing his forehead, “Close your eyes. I’m right here ok bud?”

He nodded his head closing his eyes as he snuggled into me. As I ran my hand gently through his hair surprised he wasn’t crying again. Sobbing and screaming. Thankful that he wasn’t but afraid of what would happen if I tried to walk away. Tried to leave him. It had been a horrible night overall. Not just for him but for me too. Me feeling safe enough to let myself cry silently a few tears falling before I finally realized how tired I actually was. Allowing my eyes to close. Allow myself to finally drift off to sleep.


	46. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will is woken up and told to shower leaving James alone with Lionel which he feels incredibly guilty for. He learns that he wasn't as awake the night/morning before as he thought he was. They have receive an update on John's condition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1171-1199 **Warnings: Child rape off script, child sexual abuse, cult abuse, mental health issues, thoughts of self-injury, suicidal thoughts, anxiety**

The next time I woke up it was to a knock on the door James jumping in his sleep before he pulled the cover up over his head shaking. Shaking like he thought it was him. Like he thought it was Lionel or da coming to get him, get us. Me sighing as I pulled him closer to me into my chest sheltering him.

“It’s ok bud, I’m right here. Nothing bad is going to happen. Nothing,” I muttered into the top of his head kissing it as the door opened.

“I brought you lunch,” Alice said, “Can I speak to you a minute alone?”

“Alice I’m sorry about earlier. That I yelled it was just…” 

“Alone please,” she told me.

“I’m not leaving him,” I said shaking my head, “Not right now. If you want to yell at me you can but I’m not leaving him right now. Alice, look at him, look at him.”

She sighed setting the tray with two sandwiches and a veggie platter down on the desk before she pulled out her chair.

“I know what happened, “She told me, “I’m sorry that happened but you doing that, sheltering him like that isn’t going to help him. It’s not going to help him move forward letting him act scared like that.”

“Alice,” I said quietly, “This is only the fourth time.”

She sighed not directing what she said at me but at James, “I’m sorry Jamie sugar, that must be scary huh?”

He just tightened his grip on me. He didn’t look at her or move other than to grip my arm tighter that was wrapped around him. This poor kid.

“Don’t mind if he doesn’t…he gets like this,” I told her.

“What’s his favorite type of cookie?” she asked me.

“Gingerbread,” I answered without having to even think about it him nodding his head into my chest which Alice saw causing her to smile.

“Ok then,” she said smiling at me, “Fresh gingerbread and oatmeal raisin cookies coming up today ok? You boys just stay in here.”

“Ok Alice,” I said nodding my head, “I am sorry I yelled I just…”

“Oh, Will it’s ok,” she told me, “I forgive you. You were panicked, you were just trying to keep this sweet baby safe. I know that. Don’t cry you didn’t anything wrong sugar ok? Instincts just got the better of you that’s all. I forgive you ok?”

I nodded my head. I really hadn’t meant to yell at her. But she was right I was just trying to figure out the best way to fix it. To fix my mistake. Because it felt like a mistake to me still. Having to let Lionel do that to him. Having no choice but to leave him there.  
To leave him alone with Lionel so he could…I felt like I would never forgive myself for that even if Teddy said it was the best thing I could do.

She smiled at me before she got up pushing the desk chair back in, “I want you two boys to rest and get your strength back up. However, I would also like you to each your lunch. Who knows it might make you feel better?” 

With that, she left the room shutting the door behind her. I looked at the clock and it was close to 2 pm. Lionel had left shortly after 7, 7 am. He had raped my brother 6 hours ago. One of my babies.

“Bud, you want to eat?” I asked him.

“He…,” he barely managed before he started whimpering.

“Ok bud, but you need to it. If you can still taste it, it might make the taste go away and eating is different. You know that so can you eat for me?” I asked him.

It didn’t take a genius to figure out what he was going to say. It was something he needed to say. That he probably didn’t feel like having anything solid in his mouth before Lionel had forced him to use his mouth. It would explain another reason why at one point he went silent other than fear, other than over stimulation. Because Lionel was forcing him to perform oral sex.

My heart felt like it stopped waiting for his little head to nod. Waiting for him to tell me he was willing to try. That he wanted to eat food. That he didn’t want to surrender to the feelings he was having. The feeling that he didn’t deserve to eat. That he didn’t deserve anything and was nothing but dirty. Because he was anything but that. He was everything. And it was only because of Da and Lionel that he felt like he wasn’t. That he felt like he wasn’t the priceless little angel he really was.

“Good,” I said rubbing his shoulders as he nodded his head, “Good, you know what I’m going to bring it to the bed and we’ll eat in bed today ok?”

His eyes went wide in surprise, “We’re not supposed to eat in bed. Not even when we’re sick.” He reminded me.

“We won’t tell ok? It’ll be our secret. I’m going to turn on the lamp and I’ll read while you eat and then you can read to me while I eat ok? Where we were at do you remember?” I asked him picking up Harry Potter and the Philosophers stone from the nightstand.

“Chapter 11,” he told me as I stood up bringing the tray of food over bologna sandwiches along with carrot and celery sticks and some veggie dip two bottles of water next to the plates.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head as I opened the book and started reading aloud, “As they entered November the weather turned very cold…”

I probably got through that chapter and half the second one before he was done eating his little body taking it’s time because he was tired and sore. His brain upset, his whole life having been shattered into pieces, his sense of safety stolen from him hours before. Him grabbing the book from me as he chewed his last bite.

“Is that your way of telling me it’s my turn to eat now?” I asked him to which he smiled and nodded his head.

“I’m not as good as you are Willy. How did you get so good?” he asked me.

“At what bud?” I asked him confused.

“Reading. You’re so good at it. How do I get that good?” he asked me.

“You practice which is what we’re doing now read for me. Remember to sound out the word if you’re having trouble and go slow,” I told him.

He responded by picking up the book and putting it close to his face which concerned me a little causing me to sigh.

“Hold on bud,” I said taking the book from him, “Can you see the words from right here?”

“They look funny from there. Like the letters make no sense,” he told me.

“What do you mean they make no sense?” I asked him.

“Well like in that word right there…that’s…?” he looked at me.

“That’s the word what,” I told him.

“Ok the h and the a are hugging and it doesn’t make any sense they don’t look like that when I hold it close though,” he explained.

He was farsighted. I sighed and nodded my head, “Does it give you a headache? The fact that the words look funny when you move the book away a little bit?”

“Yeah,” he said, “Is that bad?”

“No bud, there’s nothing wrong with it, it just means your eyes might need a little help ok? No big deal. Hold it where you feel comfortable ok?” I told him to which he nodded his head.

“Wha-what’s all this noise...” he started reading as I ate.

There was a knock on my bedroom door shortly after I finished eating Cat popping her head in curiously before the slid in and shut the door watching us as I read aloud from the book near the very end her moving so sneakily like she thought I would realize she was there. It was adorable her bringing in Jennifer and another doll that I didn’t know. She inched up to the side of the bed before she pulled on my shirt sleeve.

“I see you,” I told her, “What are you doing Catty?”

“That’s what I was going to ask you,” she told me making me smile at her.

“We’re having a quiet day,” I told her.

“tell her we’re reading,” Jay whispered in my ear.

“Jay? You can talk to me you know. I mean I know I’m your little sister but I love you,” she said, “Are you ok? You only go quiet when something bad happened. Did something bad happen?”

He nodded his head as his eyes started to look wet like he was going to start crying.

“Oh, it’s ok Jay. You’re a good boy I know you’re a good boy and no one should be mean to you. You’re one of the bestest big brothers I’ve ever had,” she told him climbing into bed with us and wiggling her way between him in the wall hugging him as he allowed her to. As he hugged her back crying, “You’re the best and I hope whatever made you sad goes away. I’ll make sure it stays away.”

She was cute when she got protective. Often, I only saw it when she was with John but apparently, she could sense something was really wrong. That he was really tired and scared. That he needed love so she had decided to give it to him.

“Do you want to play with me?” Catty asked him, “You could play Jennifer if you want. I don’t mind. Or we can stay here. Do you want me to stay here?”

I looked over him nodding his head into her shoulder as she held him. Him finally speaking out loud to someone other than me since it had happened. Since Lionel had visited.

“It hurt bad Catty like worse than Daddy’s fingers…” He muttered before he started crying.

Catty’s eyes went big, scared and then started becoming wet too before a tear slid down her cheek her mouth open in horror… “Someone….?” She started to ask before a tiny sound escaped. Somewhere between a sob and a whimper.

“Come here guys, it’s ok,” I told them setting the book down and turning to hug them both, “it’s ok. We’re ok. He hurt me too but we’re together and he’s not here anymore. We’re ok.”

“THEY SHOULDN’T!!!” Cat sobbed, “I’m so sorry Jamie. I’m so sorry…”

“Shhh… we’re safe now. Jamie’s safe and you’re safe ok? We’re safe.” I murmured rocking them in my arms together as they held each other as Catty ran her tiny hands over his shoulders rubbing his back as he cried.

There was a knock on my door before it opened Alice opening it two Tupperware containers in her hands before she sighed, “Catty sugar girl what are you doing with these boys?”

“She’s trying to make him feel better I think,” I told Alice.

“Aww, you sweet little mama. Listen these boys are tired they need rest baby girl. Why don’t you come with me?” Alice asked her.

“NO, they shouldn’t be allowed to,” she told Alice, “they shouldn’t be allowed to hurt him. He’s my bestest brother ever.”

Geez thanks, that’s what my head thought, however, I understood that in her brain it was probably true because she was 5 and he was 7 and they were tiny and he was hurt and she was hurting for him but, if I hadn’t of been the mature child I was it would have probably been a blow to my ego. Because I had honestly hoped I was her bestest brother coming in second after John of course. However, it made me smile that she loved him so much even it annoyed me that she was blubbering almost harder than he was him having gotten most of his tears out and just trying to relax the fact that Catty was crying for him bringing what little tears he had left to the surface.

“Catty love, they need to rest. Maybe you can come back and check on them later? Help me bring them supper when it’s ready but for right now I think they need quiet time ok? So why don’t you come with me sugar? Help me with the babies?” Alice asked her.  
“But they need me,” she told Alice sniffling through her tears.

“I have him,” I told her, “He’ll be ok because I’m right here. Isn’t that right Jay?” 

He nodded his head before he kissed Catty’s cheek whispering in her ear.

“Ok, I’ll go but you promise you’ll be better, right? That you won’t be like Jac…”

“Catty love, we have to stop calling him that, remember?” Alice said.

“Sorry, promise you won’t be like John?” she asked me her face serious, worried.

He nodded his head smiling at her wiping at his face as he moved wrapping his arms around me as I responded by doing the same smiling at him.

“Ok I love you,” Catty said, “And I love you too Willy and you’re my second bestest brother ok?”

“Oh well, thank you,” I told her, “I love you too Catty.”

“Come on little mama you can help me make more cookies. Because when someone is sad you know what I say.”

“Nothing makes it better like a nice fresh baked cookie,” Catty said causing Alice to laugh.

“That’s right, now let’s go make these boys some more cookies. That way they’ll feel so much better.”

“Ok but I can lick the spoon, right?” she asked Alice as Alice shut the door.

God. they were too sweet. They were too sweet for this life. Both of them.

It was sweet that she wanted to make him feel better. That she felt the same horror I did at hearing someone had hurt him. Had done something like that to him.

“He hurt me,” he told me and I nodded my head in response waiting to see what he had to say. If he was going to talk about it because while I didn’t want to listen sometimes it was important to get it out.

“He told me…,” he went quiet.

“It’s ok you can tell me,” I coaxed.

“He told me he would…he would take you away. That he would…he’d let lots of people do what he does and what Da does to you until you couldn’t…”

That’s how he had gotten him to not fight back. Not that there was a chance of getting away anyway but that explained why it was so quiet before he started screaming, started crying.

“I’m right here,” I told him rocking him, “I’m right here and we’re both ok. You did a good job. You were so brave bud. So brave. I’m so proud of you ok? You did so good. I’m sorry that I couldn’t…that man is a bad man. Even though I know I told you we shouldn’t call him that and we really shouldn’t that’s what he is.”

“Luke told me about it. At school, once he got in trouble. He said he pulled out his tongue. A boy’s tongue because he told them no. That he didn’t want to do it. I like my tongue. I didn’t want him to take it or you,” he told me.

Now that made me angry. It wasn’t Luke’s fault he had shared it but having him feel that fear. That fear that …

“Do you need to talk about anything else? Do you have any questions?” I asked him.

“The sticky stuff is the stuff that makes a baby, right?” he asked me.

“Yes,” I answered.

“There was sticky stuff on the bed. Baby stuff. He said it was yours. Is that…?”

I felt my face heat up. I wasn’t about to lie because yeah. my body had responded. Just like Lionel’s body had responded and Teddy’s and I was sure James too had probably felt something, given Lionel a reaction of some kind.

I nodded my head at a loss of words trying to figure it out. Trying figure out how to explain what that felt like to him. Me deciding to try and explain it using him, using language as if it were his body I was talking about.

“Ok,” I said preparing myself, “You know that tickly feeling that you get in your private parts when Da or the leader touches you there?”

He nodded his head quietly.

“Well when you get older, when you get to be my age maybe a little older, probably. That stuff is going to come out when you feel that. That’s how…if that stuff comes out inside a vagina that’s how a baby is made.”

“But if it’s to make a baby then why does it…? Why was it all over?” he asked.

“Well the tingling feeling it’s…there’s several ways for you to feel that some people use their hand to do it to themselves because it can feel good when you do it alone. Or even with other people if you really want to do it with them. But it kind of makes your tummy hurt and makes you not feel very good when they make you do that. I know I get that. But it’s what your body is supposed to do when that happens. When someone touches it like that it’s normal.”

“I don’t like it. Why if…why if it hurts does it do that?” He asked me starting to sniffle like he was about to start crying.

“Because you know,” I sighed trying to find a way to explain it.

“Ok you know how before Daddy started hurting and he’d hug you and it felt nice? To your body even and how Mummy would hug you and it would feel the same. It’s like that. Your body can’t tell the difference between Someone touching you there that you want touching you and someone touching you there that you don’t want to touch. That’s why it feels like it does. It’s your brain that makes it feel not good. That makes it hurt. Makes you feel sick to your tummy. That makes it feel wrong. And that’s ok. You should listen to that. That’s important but your private parts don’t have a brain and don’t think they just feel. Ok? Do you understand?”

“I don’t know,” he said, “It sounds weird.”

“I know,” I said thinking back to how I would take it if someone told me that when I was seven. Before Da had ever sodomized me. How confusing the whole thing would have sounded to me too.

“So, the stuff comes out because it gets tingly and your private parts feel tingly because they don’t understand you don’t want it?” Jay asked me.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “If that’s confusing I’m sorry bud but I don’t know how else to explain it.”

“What about when…,” his face went really red trailing off.

“It’s ok,” I said, “I won’t tell anyone ok? Not if you don’t want me to.”

“What about the button?” he asked.

Oh. That’s what they liked calling our prostates which were very sensitive because they were still developing. It was an insane tingling and stinging feeling when they hit against it before your…before you started hitting puberty. It was definitely a less intense sensation after that point unless they repeatedly hit it directly but when you were young each brush almost felt like a firework going off under your skin, in your spine. I mean it still was intense when you were older trust me, it’s an insane feeling but when you’re little and you don’t know what it is it can be terrifying to feel that.

“Ok, that’s called a prostate. It’s inside you and it's tiny and round. When they hit that it’s…it feels really weird doesn’t it?”

James nodded his head his eyes wide in agreement. It wasn’t something I wanted to discuss but, he obviously needed to talk about it.

“I don’t think they did that. Daddy and him when they were together. Uncle …Uncle Ben did when he made me squeeze. But then he did it too. Why does it…?”

“I don’t know bud, I wish I had an answer I don’t know why it feels like that,” I told him.

“He said it made me pop. I don’t think I like popping It hurts,” he muttered.

Popping was a really strong orgasm. A very strong orgasm the kind that usually made me feel very upset for days. And he was right. It was basically your whole body every muscle in your body pulsating several times a second and it hurt. It hurt your muscles almost like lifting too much weight at the gym to the point where you were having muscle spasms because that’s what it was, your body having repeated spasms from being overworked, overstimulated.

“I don’t like it either,” I told him.

“He kept telling me to. That he…he wanted me to. I didn’t I…I h-h-hated i-i-it,” his words becoming unsteady as he started sobbing.

“Well right now you don’t have to worry about that, ok? You’re with me and you’re safe and no one is going to make you do that right now ok? You’re right here with me and right now you’re safe. You’re safe.”

I had to rock him slowly rubbing his back to get him to calm down. He wanted mum. I knew he wanted mum and I wanted him to be able to have her. This wasn’t fair. It should be mum with him. It shouldn’t be me. It should be mum telling him he was safe and that he was brave and there was no reason to be scared anymore. It wasn’t fair that mum and John where both gone. That he had to deal with this without them. That he only had me.

“Let it out, it’s ok. Just cry it out bud,” I muttered into the top of his head as I rubbed his shoulders and the back of his neck his tears started to fade and breathing starting to slow. As soon as I was sure he was asleep I turned the light back off and held him like he was a toddler. 

He was barely older than a toddler. He was fucking six years old. Three years ago, he had been three years old. He had been a toddler. A toddler that even then Lionel still probably would have…the idea making me sick. The idea that we had three little people that age that Da probably wanted to…that he was eventually going to rape.

I felt like I needed to be on my own for a little while moving slowly and carefully untangling him from me and hoping he didn’t wake up as I went to the bathroom shutting my door. I looked at the box cutter. The one Cole and Pat had wanted to take away from me. I thought about it. Of course, I thought about it. It was my fault after all. My fault that I had left him with Lionel. That he had been so scared of him he had just…

I logically understood there was nothing I could have done to stop him Teddy’s words helping to reaffirm that idea but emotionally it felt like I had thrown him to a pack of wolves to devour so I could save my own skin. Lionel hadn’t sodomized me. Not that night. Instead, it had been James. He had only used his mouth on me. His finger a little bit but mostly his mouth. James, he had raped. I sat down up against the wall. The wall that was cold just sitting there in silence. Letting myself unwind a little bit. Try to not worry about him or any of them. Trying to convince myself that they were as safe as they could be Alice being there, being upstairs and Uncle Ben and Da both gone. Da at the hospital with John who we were waiting to see if he would ever wake up and Uncle Ben gone to where ever he had gone.

I still felt like I needed to scream. That it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that I had let that happen. Not to him, not to any of them. Being alone and staying there with my back pressed against the wall, pulling my knees into my chest somehow helped. Helped clear my mind a little bit, calm me down my brain no longer feeling that panic as I looked at the little boy in my arms. As I worried about the little girl who had cried with him or even the little boy that had pointed at what appeared to be nothing and screamed “that” loudly while giggling before attempting to hand his sister a handful of rice. 

Nor the little boy and girl who it seemed were starting to invent their own language like two more little people that I knew and loved. One of those so sick that deep now I knew Alice didn’t trust him to be alone with any of them just like I didn’t even though I wished desperately that I could. I don’t know how long I sat there but I heard whimpering first small sniffles until it started getting louder, the crying and screaming getting louder until I was forced to move me going in and climbing into bed with him.  
“I’m right here bud,” I cooed starting to rock him his eyes still closed tight as he whimpered and shivered, “I’m right here. It was just a bad dream, ok? It was just a bad dream. I’m right here. It’s ok. You’re ok.”

“I don’t want to do it again,” he sobbed, “I don’t want to do it again.”

“I know bud. I know you don’t want to do it again,” I told him, “I know it hurt and I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.”

There was a knock on the door just as I was getting him to quiet back down. The door opening before I could say anything Cole standing there, “I’m sorry I left so suddenly yesterday I just…I don’t…”

“Don’t worry about it,” I said rubbing James’ back slowly, “Are you going to sit down?”

“I don’t know if…,” Cole trailed off.

“Oh, trust me I heard. I noticed you left the door open,” I said.

“You don’t make him mad,” Cole said, “Is he ok?”

I shook my head sadly.

I saw Cole mouth the word shit quietly to himself as he sat down in the desk chair.

“Hey Jay, are you ok bud?” he asked him quietly to which Jay squeezed me tighter.

“It’s Cole,” I told him quietly but he didn’t move. Didn’t look up.

“It’s ok. I can understand that,” Cole said quietly, “I never felt like talking after spending time with him either.”

At that Jay lifted his head looking at him. His eyes wide as he looked at me his eyes going between the two of us like he was trying to ask me without speaking, ask me if it was true. If Cole knew about the things Lionel did. What he was like.  
“Are you ok?” Cole asked me not ignoring James but probably not being able to read his expression the same way I was Cole tensing slightly under his gaze. Almost like he was nervous or upset that James was looking at him like that.  
“I probably need some ice,” I answered truthfully, “I’ve been to be too busy to think about it.”

“Want me to go grab some for you?” he asked me.

“Could you? I would have gotten it myself a while or asked Alice but…”

“You don’t have to explain. I’ll go grab it,” he said getting up and leaving the room.

“He knows the leader?” James whispered in my ear as soon as Cole was out of the room.

“Yeah bud he does,” I told him, “Maybe if you ask nicely he’ll tell you more about it but you remember what we talked about with Julie that you have to accept no answer if someone doesn’t want to talk about something and not ask anymore, ok?”

“I don’t…I want you,” he told me.

“Well, you have me. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere ok?” I said to which he nodded his head before burying his head back in my chest. Me kissing the top of his head again as there was a knock on the cracked bedroom Cole coming in with an ice pack like the kind you gave someone to ice an injury.

“Thanks,” I said taking it from me and putting it under the covers above my pants hissing slightly.

“Too cold?” he asked me.

“A little,” I agreed.

“Well it’s a very sensitive spot it’s above your pants, right?” he asked me.

Duh. I wanted to say that. You don’t put an ice pack on your bare skin it wasn’t a good idea especially in a sensitive spot, “Yes, it’s above my pants. I’m sitting here with my little brother.”

“Of course, I know James is right there. He doesn’t have to remind me you’re here, does he? So, you’ve gone a little quiet. I can still obviously see you,” Cole said looking at Jay which caused Jay to smile at him sheepishly.

“This is weird,” I said.

“Well, James needs some time with someone he trusts. So, get over it. You should ice your dick a little bit. Why can’t you have some company while you do it?” Cole asked

I must have pulled a face because he started laughing at me. I looked over just in time to see James covering a huge grin putting his hands over his mouth probably to keep himself from laughing.

Of course, if anyone could get that kid to smile it would Cole being crude about my unfortunate circumstance.

“Did Alice ask you about it?” I asked Cole.

Cole’s smile grew as he noticed James covering his mouth, looking like he was on the verge of breaking his silence. Me shaking my head as I smiled as I was sure he was just trying to get him to laugh.

“You mean about your dick ice? No, no she didn’t ask about your dick ice. You’re safe. I swear.”

With that James took his other hand putting it to his forehead and falling back.

“Really?” I asked him.

“What it doesn’t matter if your 5 or 500 every guy laughs at a good dick joke,” Cole said shrugging his shoulders, “Other than that situation are you ok?”

“What do you think?” I asked him feeling a lump in my throat.

I had listened to my little brother get raped, I’d been raped. My older brother was still in the hospital and still hadn’t woken up. I didn’t feel ok. I felt very far from ok even if James’ smile had broken some of the tension and given me a bit of reprieve for a minute.

“You can talk about it if you need to,” Cole told me.

“I know,” I said nodding my head, “I just…” I shrugged my shoulders.

“It’s only going to get worse. Whatever he did…”

“COLE!” I said loudly making both him and James Jump, “He’s right here.”

“I know he’s young but this involves him too. What are the odds your Dad is going to make him stop?”

I went silent. He was right. That didn’t mean James should have to hear it yet though. He wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t ready to deal with that reality. That James was Lionel’s next boy after he was done with me. I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to face it.  
“Teddy was here,” I told him.

“Really? That’s different,” Cole commented, “How did he seem?”

“He’s…weirder then I thought,” I said.

“Mhm,” Cole made a sound of agreement, “You have to understand though that’s been going on a long time for him. He knows what he has to do in order to make sure everything ends up somewhat ok. That no one has broken bones or rips or anything like that. He’s been doing it for a long time. So, if he tells you something I suggest you try to listen ok?”

“You didn’t listen?” I asked him.

“I was older so I didn’t always listen, no. I should have though. Never mistake age for ignorance. If anyone knows him it’s going to be Teddy ok?” he told me to which I nodded my head, “Did he…?” Cole asked trailing off.

“What? Did he what?” I asked him my brain kind of blanking a little bit.

“You know did he make you and Ted…,” Cole made a gesture with his fingers.

“Oh, no. No not like that,” I told him.

“Ok, it’s still weird though. It’s really weird,” Cole muttered quietly.

“Ted said it’s because I’m older. He feels like he’s running out of time so he’s trying to work on transfer while he trains,” I said.

“I’m so sorry Will,” Cole said in a whisper shaking his head.

For some reason hearing him say it felt…made it feel real. Made it feel like it was serious. Like it was something bad.

I knew it was bad. I did I just…I hated thinking about it.

“I’ll be right back ok bud?” I told him his response was to hug me tighter.

I didn’t want to cry in front of him. Not like I knew I needed to. Not like.

“Hey,” Cole told me putting his hand on my shoulder, “We’re right here ok?”

I shook my head. I wasn’t…James didn’t need to know how scared I was. How…

James leaning up and whispering in my ear, “It’s ok to be scared, Willy. You always say it’s ok to be scared. You don’t have to pretend it’s not scary because I was there. I know it was scary.”

His words for some reason making me cry a small whimper at first and then a flood. A tightness in my chest releasing as I started sobbing Cole rubbing my shoulder gently through my shirt telling me it was ok. That if crying helped to do it. To just scream it out and Jay hugged me and let me hold him.

I probably sobbed loudly for a good 10 minutes or so Mike or Matt stopping at my bedroom door at one point to ask if I was ok Cole assuring them that I would be before sending them on their way. Sending them back to whatever they had been doing before.  
My sobbing starting to quiet down as Alice knocked on the bedroom door, “We just got word from your Daddy boys. It looks like he’s going to be ok. He hasn’t officially woken up yet but all his reflexes are intact. He’s responsive to stimulation, so the odds of brain damage which is what their main fear was is pretty low. It looks good. It seems like he’s going to wake up. Hopefully in the next couple of hours.”

So, John was…he was ok.

“Is Pat…” Cole barely managed to ask before Pat bursts into my bedroom Cole wrapping his arms around his brother, “It’s ok man. He’s ok. He’s going to be ok.”

“He’s…” Pat trailed off.

“I know,” Cole said, “We’ll get him through ok? We will and Will’s here and everyone else. We’re going to get him through it. You know we’ll get him through it.”

“Get him through what?” James whispered in my ear.

I wasn’t sure I had the heart to tell him. That they did bad things to boys who hurt themselves. Really bad things and John had hurt himself badly. That those people were going to have a chance to hurt him. To punish him for hurting himself.

“We’re going to help him through it like you helped me through it ok? And I helped you through it and Dom’s there so he’s not alone. Dom is going to be there.”

“Who is Dom?” I asked not sure I had ever heard the name before.

“A friend,” Cole told me, “A good one. They are going to take John to Wood Haven and Dom’s there right now. Because, he…well.”

“Does that happen a lot?” I asked them quietly.

“Dom’s a two. For him, it’s almost like a yearly thing. His dads aren’t very nice to him. To anyone really.”

“Tanner’s a piece of work,” Cole muttered.

“I’ve heard Lou is worse,” Pat said quietly as Cole let him go.

“He has dads? As in plural?” I asked confused.

We were Catholic. Someone having two dads struck me as weird. Especially if that kid with two dads was going to a Catholic school.

“Yes,” Cole said, “Like we have Dad’s.”

“Yeah but you each have a dad and…right,” I said feeling like an idiot.

Cole smiled, “What? I thought we went over that before. Before you left.”

“It’s weird to think of them like that,” I said quietly.

“You have no idea,” Pat mumbled laughing lightly as he wiped at his eyes, “I need to call Dom. I’ve been talking to him.”

“I know you have. Has he told you anything about the situation there?” Cole asked him.

“Neal and Glenn still fucking work there. I mean, of course, they do they’re high school dropouts. Why would they work anywhere else?” Pat asked.

“Ouch,” Cole said shaking his head.

“Ouch?” I asked.

“Well, Neal is…a curse,” Cole said looking at me.

“You mean like Hank?” I asked them.

“Not 100% he has a little bit more reach then stretch…I think is a good way to put it,” Pat answered.

“Sergei is worse,” Cole said shaking his head, “He makes you want to run and hide because even at 15 you’re sure ….”

“I’ve never done that,” Pat said.

There was a pull on my sleeve, “Are you talking about the pensies?” James whispered in my ear.

“Yes,” I answered him, Pat, smiling at him and leaning down.

“Are you ok bud?” he asked.

“Bad night,” Cole told him.

“I’m sorry about that bud,” Pat said not missing a beat, “I want you to know whatever happened though it’s not your fault ok? You didn’t deserve that. You’re a good boy. And no one should ever hurt you like that ok? You either Will neither one of you deserve that. Is that why you guys are in here in the dark?”

“Maybe,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “It’s a lot. To handle.”

“Oh, I’m sure,” Pat told me, “I don’t know that much about it but I can understand. Trust me. If you ever need to talk you know I’m here. For both of you ok?”

“Is it weird I find this conversation odd? I mean the one we were having a second ago about dicks,” he asked the room.

“Why is it weird because you’re in a room with two gay kids while you do it or because there’s a six-year-old sitting here not blinking an eye at it?” Cole asked him.

“Well, he did ask if that was what we were talking about. He knows what they are though. He has seen a few,” I said.

“Ok, now that’s just depressing. He’s six he shouldn’t be seeing a few,” Pat said shaking his head.

“Pat we’ve been over this. There’s no use in pretending it’s not happening no matter how old they are. Remember that talk we had about Alex?” Cole asked.

“Who is Alex?” I asked them.

“No one,” Pat said before Cole could answer, “No one.”

“Pat no one would be…”

“No one, Cole no. He …they don’t need to know ok?” Pat said.

That made me wonder usually Pat didn’t keep things from us. Not ever me shooting Cole a questioning look apparently questioning enough Pat decided to relent.

“It’s a boy. He’s Villa kept Lionel gave him to dad for the summer. He went back the beginning of last week,” Pat said.

“Wait he just gave him a boy?” I asked confused. Last time I knew it was usually handlers giving each other boys, not Lionel. Could they really do that though? Just give each other boys like they were tennis rackets or bowling balls they could trade?

“It just means he stayed with us. We intervened as much as we could but…,” Cole shrugged his shoulders going silent.

“Is he ok? Alex, I mean?” I dared to ask.

“You mean alive? If you mean alive and in one piece then yeah,” Pat answered, “You want to know the talk we had with Alex?”

“Sure,” I said, “Is it going to be disturbing or…?” I said thinking about the little person still cuddled against me.

“No,” Pat said, “He might have questions about it but you might too so why not?”

“Ok,” I answered.

“He was used to a lot of things. His language was very colorful for a nine-year-old. However, he didn’t seem to know any scientific terms it was all brotherhood lingo, boy fruit, cocklet, lollipop, love meat, meat stick, baby maker, boy pussy, boy cunt, man cunt, huh dingles, raisins, grapes, Baby juice, love juice, Daddy milk just like he didn’t seem to know any real terms for it. It was kind of unsettling. He kept asking Pat to…” Cole smiled.

“Hey, that was weird ok? That was…,” Pat shook his head, “I’m not into that. He had a crush.”

“Everyone has a crush on you,” Cole muttered shaking his head.

“They do not,” Pat said.

“Heath?” Cole said.

“That is not a crush that’s an obsession. That’s different. And he’s grody anyway. I fucking hate him,” Pat said.

“Heath?” I asked.

“Just someone we know. He’s a little older he’s like…”

“Wallace?” I asked.

“Wallace? You know Wallace? Oh…,” Cole shook his head.

“Please tell me you don’t know Wallace. Please tell me you don’t…” Pat started to say.

“His brother Finn is my friend,” I said.

“You stay away from him,” Pat said looking angry.

“Finn already told me that. Everyone tells me that,” I said, “Trust me I’m planning to stay away from him. I understand. The one time I actually talked to him outside of the Villa I understood. You don’t need to remind me.”

I felt a shiver go down my spine thinking about him. About the way he had looked at me, talked to me. Asking me if I wanted to talk about it, about him. Saying he was there to listen telling me I would be ok but him saying in that voice that voice that…  
“Earth to major tom?” Cole said causing me to blink.

“What?” I asked.

“You did that thing you do. Are you ok?” Cole asked me.

“Thinking,” I said barely above a whisper.

“About what?” Pat asked me.

“I don’t…I don’t like him,” I said quietly, “Wallace I mean.”

“He’s not someone you need nor want to like trust me,” Pat said, “He’s never been an issue for me but…”

“Pat come on!” Cole muttered.

“But what?” I asked him but looked at Cole.

“He’s a giant pain in the ass. Especially if they ever pair you with him for anything. He’ll follow you around like he thinks your piss is gold and then get all mad when you tell him to back off. When he gets mad he can be a nasty shit,” Cole told me.

“You know him?” I asked Cole.

“Yeah, trust me not someone you want to be around. Like ever,” Cole told me.

I nodded my head. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know any more about Wallace then that. He seemed like one of them. Finn had said he’d never been violent but he liked fire. I remembered him saying that.

I also remembered Vic freaking out when he had seen him talking to me at the Villa how he had tried to touch me at my marking when I was scared and naked. When I was vulnerable. How Vic had gotten mad. It made me wonder if he was like that with everyone or if you had to be a certain way for him to pay attention to you.

“Who is Wallace?” James asked out loud making everyone turn to look at him.

“No one you ever have to worry about ok Bud?” Cole told him causing James’ face to flush red.

I’m not sure if he realized he had spoken out loud before that point or not but it was still a good sign. A sign that maybe in a couple of days he would start feeling more comfortable in his skin again, start being a kid again. Usually, it took him days to get to the point where he was speaking out loud again to other people. 

“Cole’s right it’s someone you’ll never have to worry about. We’ll make sure,” Pat said smiling at him James nodding his head as he started chewing on his right index finger for some reason.

“He’s someone we know,” I told him, “But I agree with Pat and Cole you’ll never have to worry about him ok?”

Even as I said the words I worried they were a lie. That somehow Wallace would be a problem for him. Everyone made it sound like he was going to be a problem for me. Even Finn had made it sound that way, telling me to stay as far away from him as possible at the back to school BBQ the year before. Me wondering what exactly was wrong with him other than he was a tracker.

“Why is this so tiring?” I asked them.

“Did your ice melt? Sometimes the pain relief can just help you relax a little bit. That would make you tired,” Cole told me.

“The ic…ouch! Son of a bitch,” Pat said, “That’s just mean.”

“It’s something he does,” Cole said quietly Pat frowning contemplatively.

“Are you guys sticking around for something?” I asked curious as to why they were there.

“Yeah, our sanity,” Pat answered me, “I trust me sitting at home is not a place you ever want to be when you live with them. It’s…almost worse than being here.”

“So, our house is worse yet you would rather be here?” I asked him.

“Well, here we can play tea party. And goldeneye, and tag, and if Matt and Mike could convince us lately cops and robbers,” Pat said.

“Yeah no, I would not play cops and robbers with those two,” Cole said.

“Oh, trust me we went over that. However, I think I did use the word bondage and they asked me what it was. I didn’t go into details but I did tell them it’s where you tie someone up so at some point if they ever ask you…”

“Thank you for the heads up,” I said.

“What is bondage?” James asked me.

“Well, you know how cops and robbers you get tied up?” Pat asked him.

“Yeah,” James said.

“It’s that only naked sometimes. It’s very…it’s uncomfortable,” Pat summarized.

“That doesn’t like fun. Why does…Matty wants to play with you like Da does?” James asked his eyes going wide in shock.

“Ok is he actually convincing anyone this is a good idea?” I asked them the idea startling me.

“You mean it’s not just me?” Pat asked.

“Derek said he tried to convince him it would be fun too,” I answered.

“Well shit that’s not good. I would have a very serious talk with him because that’s very…” 

“Questionable? No kidding. Has he actually managed to tie anyone up?” I asked Pat who was avoiding looking at me, “Pat? Pat what are…”

“Mike. Ok it was Mike I untied him and he didn’t seem too pleased to be tied up in the first place but their relationship is weird.”

“Their relationship is one of assault,” I told Pat.

“What? I didn’t…”

“Well, Mike isn’t always forthcoming about things. He thinks he’s protecting people by letting Matt…trust me when mum gets back she is going to be notified but until then and especially with John gone I can’t…I’ll talk to him about it again. He keeps saying he’s sorry that he doesn’t mean to but I’m thinking just because it keeps coming up he’s trying to placate me. That he’s just gotten better at lying,” I told them what I had suspected at that point.

Little boys didn’t cry and yell at their twin brothers if they were getting along. If they felt safe with them. For the most part, when I had seen them together it felt like Mike was trying to avoid Matt, avoid being alone with Matt. I wondered if…

“Pat, can you go get Mike? Or tell him to come here. I want to see him without Matt,” I said internally kicking myself for not paying close enough attention.

“You want me to distract Matt?” Pat asked me.

“If he tries to follow yeah,” I sighed, “I just have this…”

“None of it sounds good,” Cole agreed with me, “James do you want to come with me so Will talk to Mike alone?”

He shook his head burying his face in my chest again. I sighed. I wasn’t sure Mike wanted me asking him some of the things I had to ask with James in the room.

“Can you stay here with him while I…,” I said sighing as I got up before there was a small knock on my door.

“You wanted to talk to me?” Mike asked me quietly.

“Yeah, let’s go to your room,” I told him turning to see James shivering, his whole body shaking just because I had left the bed, “Jay bud, Cole is going to be right here and when I’m done talking with Mike I’ll be right back ok? Nothing bad is going to happen, I swear. Da and Uncle Ben and the leader aren’t even in the house ok? No one is going to hurt you or me. None of them are in the house. There’s no reason to be scared.”

He shook his head burying his face in my pillow causing me to sigh heavily. I didn’t want to leave him but I knew Mike. It had taken Mike everything to admit it the first time. Matt had promised me he was letting Mike sleep alone. Since that would be one of the only times they would…unless Alice wasn’t watching them. Unless she wasn’t doing her job.

“You should stay with him,” Mike said quietly as I went and turned to shut his bedroom door when we got there.

“He’ll be ok for a minute. I need to talk to you. You’re letting Matt tie you up?” I asked him.

He shook his head looking at his feet, “No,” he answered quietly staring at his feet.

“Mike, don’t lie. How am I supposed to help him if you lie?” I asked him.

“Look if…I can’t let him hurt him. I must keep him safe. It’s my job to keep him safe,” Mike said frowning at his feet.

“Keep who safe?” I asked him wanting to hear him say it. To admit that Matt still wanted to hurt someone else that wasn’t him. To hurt Andy.

“Andy,” he whispered at his toes, “Willy I have to keep him safe. If Matt hurts him it’s my fault because…”

“No, it’s his fault if he hurts him. How does he convince you that it’s ok to let him tie you up? You know he wants to hurt you. You know even if you say no he’s not going to listen so why do you do it?”

“He thinks bad things Willy, bad bad things,” Mike said his eyes tearing up.

“When he’s thinking bad things why don’t you tell Alice, pal? That’s why she’s here. That’s her job is to protect the babies that means Andy. So, you need to tell her when he’s thinking bad things ok?”

“What if she doesn’t believe me?” he asked me.

“Then you tell her in as much detail what he’s thinking as you can until she does believe you,” I told him.

“Even if…?” he trailed off.

“If what?” I asked him.

“He’s thinking about his finger in him when she changes him into his pull-up or other things?” Mike said before he hiccupped trying not to sob.

“Oh pal,” I told him pulling him into an embrace, “It’s ok. It’s not you. It’s not you. Ok? But Alice is here to protect them. She’s not supposed to change them in front of him. I’ll talk to her ok? I’ll talk to her. And he says this to you?”

Mikey shook his head, “I see it. I see what he wants. He’s bad Willy. He’s so bad and he didn’t use to be. He didn’t use to be he used to love me. Sometimes he does, sometimes he does love us but then sometimes he’s so mad. All the time. I…he won’t be bad if I do what he wants.”

“Can you tell me what he wants? You remember what Julie said we need to be honest ok? You’re not in trouble. I want you to talk to me, pal ok? I’m the only one here to try and fix this. So please, talk to me. Please?”

“He wants to…It doesn’t always…,” Mike said pulling out of my arms and sitting down on his bed.

“Take your time,” I told him.

“He likes to kiss. At first, that’s all it was, was practicing real love kisses. You know like Da told us to. And Uncle Ben. Uncle Ben liked to watch us practice and then he…” I sat down on the bed.

I wasn’t sure what to say but I knew he was ashamed. Ashamed that he had probably enjoyed some of the activities going on between him and Matty. Ashamed that he had allowed himself to get roped into that when there was nothing for him to be ashamed of. We weren’t a normal household. We were very far from a normal household and while he might feel guilty about it he was a 9-year-old boy. 

Da’s messages and constantly talking about real love kisses and expressing love to each other like that had warped his brain. If he didn’t love Matty who did he love? Was it gross? Yeah, I thought it was really gross but the last thing he needed was my judgment.

“Look bud I’m not going to judge you ok? Whatever’s going on you can tell me and I’ll try to help.”

“Uncle Ben asked us to practice without him and he and Da said that we should. That we should practice with our mouths and stuff. At first, while it felt weird Matty would only do it if I said it was ok. But then he started…he holds me down. Not all the time but sometimes. He doesn’t ever try to stick his penis in me but he…I don’t like it. I don’t and I tell him no and to stop and all of things we’re not supposed to say to Daddy because he’s not Daddy and I don’t …” he said his voice going higher and higher in pitch the more upset he got.

“Ok pal,” I said hugging him, “Ok. I’m glad you told me. And when you say no he makes you?”

He nodded his head, “I don’t want to anymore. Not ever. But if I don’t he’ll…”

“No, he won’t and you know why? Because when he says he’s going to do that you need to tell Alice. If you think she’s not paying attention you tell her exactly what he wants to do to whoever it is, you, Andy it doesn’t matter you tell her. You tell in a way that will get her attention. I know she gets busy with you guys and the babies but it’s her job to protect you and the babies from stuff because you can’t protect yourselves and neither can I, ok? So, if you hear Matty’s head say something about using his mouth on Andy or you or someone else you tell her. You say “Alice Matty wants to suck on Andy’s privates” and you make sure she hears you ok?”

“What if she doesn’t do anything?” he asked me.

“Then you come to get me ok?” I told him as he settled back into my arms, “I know I’m …”

“Jay. Jay needs you,” Mike said, “I know Jay needs you. Because of…Daddy has friends. Willy, he has friends. Uncle Ben told me he wanted to take me to his friend. I don’t think his friends are nice. I think they’re like him. Like Daddy.”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Yeah they are. I don’t…”

“I know. I’m just scared. I don’t want…I don’t like it when Matty touches me there, puts his mouth there. I don’t want other people doing it too. Not there. Never there,” he told me quietly hugging himself as he grabbed my arm pulling it around his shoulders, “Not there.”

“Ok pal,” I said hugging him, “Ok.”

His panic was always a bit quieter than James’ he was older though. When I was six I had always cried when I got upset too before going silent. As I had gotten older my outward appearance of upset had changed drastically. In order to cry, I had to feel nothing but overwhelming anxiety and fear. If it was just a little bit or I wasn’t sure what to do with it I always went silent.

“I’m sorry,” I told him, “I’m sorry, pal. I’m so sorry.”

“You should go see James,” he told me.

“Pal, I don’…”  
“I’m a big boy and Mum’s not here and either is John. Maybe I need to look after myself,” he told me quietly, “James is just little Willy. He needs you. I know that man hurt him.”

 

“You know there was someone here last night?” I asked him.

“He came upstairs last night. He looked at the babies. Changed them. They cried because they didn’t know him. Andy screamed. It woke us up,” Mike said.

My whole body went cold. I didn’t remember him leaving the room. Not while we were sleeping. When had…

“What time last night?” I asked him.

“It was early in the morning. Too early. Andy woke me up because he was crying.”

No, no. No. Please god no. No. He couldn’t have. I was awake the entire time he couldn’t…

“I was awake, I would know…”

“Are you sure you were awake? Because I didn’t hear you. I didn’t…Andy was crying so loud Willy and you didn’t come out of your room,” he told me.

“I wasn’t upstairs pal,” I said shaking my head, “I was…”

“Do you think he did anything?” I asked Mike.

“I don’t know, they’re just little so he couldn’t, right?” Mike asked me.

I didn’t. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt like …I was such a fucking failure I couldn’t even protect Andy and Mac and Shay. Let alone anyone else. What were they going to do? I was supposed to be keeping them safe. And…

“Willy are you ok?” Mike asked me, “Willy, Willy what’s wrong? Willy…can…”

“I’m ok,” I managed, “I’m ok.”

“You don’t look ok,” Mike told me, “What’s wrong?”

“I…I’m ok,” I said.

I wanted to scream. They were…they were little. They didn’t…maybe that was Da’s plan the entire time was to let him come over so he could…

I don’t even remember Mike leaving the room but Cole was there next thing I knew. Looking at me his lips moving before I shook my head.

It felt like I was underwater. Like something was wrong. Something with my body was wrong.

Cole put his hands up…me shaking my head. It felt like I couldn’t hear him. I could see his lips moving but nothing he said it wasn’t…him turning to Mike and saying something when he turned back for some reason him making sense again.

“Will, it’s ok. None of this is your fault if something happened it’s not your fault,” Cole said, “Mike told me and if something happened it’s not your fault. I doubt he would though.”

“You…,” I started trying to say.

“PAT! CAN YOU GRAB HIM SOMETHING GODDAMNIT! Look, ok, look at me. Lionel is very particular about his boys. If they aren’t related to him and they’re Dad hasn’t touched them he’s not going to do that. He doesn’t do that. Ok?”

“Bu…”

“PAT! ALICE GODDAMNIT!” Cole shouted sounding panicked, “Come on, come on look at me and breathe, breathe. I know him ok? I was his for over a year I know him. Just like you’re going to know him. He might have done things to you and James but he didn’t do them to anyone else trust me. Ok? Trust me.”

He was just telling me that to make me feel better I was sure of it. Alice coming and handing Cole a pill Cole putting it in my mouth as I started sobbing. He had. He had. He had done something why else would he have been here? And I was stupid enough to think he had come just to hurt me.

“Come on pudding, come on you have to swallow. If you don’t I’m calling Vic. Come on don’t do this. Your brother just did this and these kids need someone ok Will? Come on…that’s it…chew it and swallow,” he said handing me a glass of water.

I don’t know what made me scream like that. Scream like I was dying. But I remember it. Screaming like that. It had been the first time I had screamed like that in a long time Cole pulling me into his lap in Mike’s bed, holding me and telling it was ok. That I was ok and that it wasn’t my fault.

It was though. I knew it was. If Lionel had never seen me at that party. He would have never come to our house. He would have never seen James, he would have never taken me to the zoo and he would have never raped my little brother or been at our house the night before. He was my fault. He would always be my fault.

“You’re ok. This is ok. Everything is going to be ok. Just breathe,” Cole muttered, “Just breathe.”

I felt sick. Like I was going to throw up I was crying so hard. Cole running his hands through my hair trying to calm me down. I hadn’t cried that hard since before we left. Probably the night I asked Vic to kill me. Cole hugging me. Still repeating those same phrases over and over as I tried to just…tried to calm down.

I wanted to believe everything would be ok. I did but I knew it wouldn’t be. What if mum never came home? Then for sure, it would never be ok. Or if John didn’t wake up there were so many things that could make it not ok. That could make it have a bad outcome. The Only thing that could make things eventually seem like there was hope would be us leaving. Us getting away again.

“Here, let’s take you back to your room,” Cole said half picking me up in his arms half allowing me to walk. Helping me in my own bed next to James. Helping me to lay down.

“WILLY! WILLY! ARE YOU…”

“He’ll be ok he’s just really sad and scared ok? Can you watch him and keep him safe?” Cole asked Jay.

“Yeah, it’s ok Willy, I’m right here,” Jay said hugging me as I continued to cry, “You’ll be ok. We’re here together so everything will be ok.”

I don’t remember much of the day after that to be honest. I think by that point my brain was probably shot. Between worrying about John and James and Mike and then everyone else along with my own physical and emotional pain I just…I think my brain was slightly broken. It seemed like it was. The next thing I remember was waking up but even that is a foggy recollection.

The next two days feel like a dream. Finding out that John was ok. Uncle Ben still being gone. A dream that slowly faded to a nightmare. Da coming home coming upstairs and looking at me exhausted.

“Will honey can you come with me?” Da asked his eyes bloodshot.

It looked like he hadn’t slept in days. He probably hadn’t. He hadn’t really told us anything other than John had woken up, that he was alive. That was the only thing he told us. I had been sitting on the couch marinating in the news that John was now going to hell. Going to that place Cole and Pat had talked about. That place where they would kill his soul.

“Come on honey, please?” Da said to me causing me to nod my head and put my book down I was too tired to fight. It was probably around 5 pm. The spaghetti I had eaten for dinner resting heavy in my stomach as I got up walking to him, him taking my hand and holding it while we walked to the lift.

I just felt…numb. John was alive but he was living in hell. Mum was alive but probably living in a similar place. Lionel had raped James two nights before probably molested one of if not all my little brothers under the age of six. Had sucked on me until I needed ice and my whole body burned and now Da was taking me downstairs. 

“He’s going to be ok honey,” Da said his eyes tearing up, “he’s going to be ok. He’...” he trailed off hugging me throwing his weight onto me the wall behind me the only thing holding us up. His hands wrapping around my body and slowly sliding down, sliding down my backside cupping my ass and the only thing I could do was hold him back. Quietly hold him back as he fondled me through my clothes.

He didn’t even care that Lionel had…he didn’t care. All he cared about was that John was alive. That John had tried to kill himself but that he was alive. When the lift opened somehow, he managed to compose himself enough to pick me up bridal style taking me into their bedroom.

I remember thinking it was too white. The bed, the bedclothes, the furniture. It was too white. The only thing in the room with color being a painting on the one wall behind the TV and then the walls itself which were a light blue.

He didn’t stop setting me down in the bed. His hands felt like they were everywhere at once. He was crying and pulling and pinching and …him tugging at my clothes as his mouth went all over my chest and neck him crying all over my skin too. Him only stopping long enough to rip his own clothes off before he finally went still his chest heaving as he looked at me.

“I can’t believe he…,” Da said before biting into his own fist. Gently head budding my chest. Moving his fist and crying into me, into my skin.

I didn’t know what to do. I was glad John was ok but I wasn’t happy with that fact that Da got to cry about it. Like it was devastating to him. It was his fault John had attempted to kill himself. All of it was his fault. Anyone with a brain knew that. He didn’t deserve to cry.

However, I knew that he wasn’t in the right place. Mentally. I knew he was dangerous so I let him lay there, crying into my chest as I rubbed his back because I didn’t know what else to do. What would happen if I didn’t stay calm? Didn’t stay quiet. He didn’t rape me but, he made me lay there with him naked.

I’m not sure he did anything but cry into my chest that day. Me naked underneath afraid of what he would do if I upset him further as he cried about his “baby”. How John was his poor baby. Me wondering about what he thought of his other poor babies like the one that was having to listen to him cry like that when it was his fault. His fault that John had done that to himself.


	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will is disturbed after spending a night with Da only to be thrown out of the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1199 to 1235. So, a long chapter. Lots of warnings here because a lot happens. **Warnings: Rape/non-con, forced oral, forced anal, forced rimming, forced same age sex, gang bang, barebacking, forced voyeurism, threats, anxiety, confusion, fear, physical pain, humiliation, mental health issues, suicidal thoughts, mild physical violence, strong graphic sexual violence, making pornography, video cameras, strong sexual language, forced anal training** So yeah, a lot happens. I think I covered everything pretty much in the warnings so please pay attention **John part 2 POV chapter 10** Now that he's finally awake and up and moving around again I'll throw him back in the ring so you can compare what's going on with both of them. Yes, John has no idea any of this happens/has happened for a while.

I thought the next day would be easier. It wasn’t. He kept me downstairs in his room. He got up and made a bunch of phone calls earlier that morning telling me I should stay put. I didn’t know what else to do so I did stay put.

When he came back he wasn’t alone. Uncle Ben was with him.

“Get your clothes on,” he told me his voice cold Uncle Ben smiling at me.

“Da?” I asked quietly.

“This is your fucking fault get your fucking clothes on you fucking cock slut,” he hissed at me as Uncle Ben’s smile grew him leaning against the wall.

I had no idea what I had done. I…I stumbled out of the bed and got my clothes on da nearly throwing me at Uncle Ben’s feet as I finally got my pants on over my boxers. Him not caring that my clothes weren’t all on.

“I want him out of here,” Da said, “You know where to take him.”

“Yes, I do,” Uncle Ben said, “I know someone who will very ha…

“BEN GET RID OF HIM NOW!” Da said.

Uncle Ben grabbed me. Hard by the elbow. Hard enough to bruise as Da slammed the door behind us.

“Daddy’s gone a little crazy baby that’s ok though. I know someone who really wants to see you and I think he’ll see things my way since Daddy isn’t protecting the precious little cunt nearly as much. You know what you did?” Uncle Ben asked me.  
I was honestly afraid to speak. I had no fucking clue what I “had done”. Did he mean catching Lionel’s eye? Because I…

“You told him, didn’t you?” Uncle Ben said, “That’s why he cracked. Tried to empty all that gooey redness from his pretty little body. Because you told him you’re a slut and he felt bad for you when you begged for it. Boss told me all about it.”

“I never told him anything I swear. Not even in Montana because…” I tried to explain.

“That’s not what Daddy thinks. Too bad we don’t know if it’s true or not until that brat comes home huh? Either way, this is going to be fun,” Uncle Ben said dragging me out the back door and to his car.

I knew where I was going. I didn’t even blink when he told me to shut my eyes keep them closed, to shut the fuck up and get down. I wasn’t stupid. If Da wanted to get rid of me there was one person who would always want me. Even if they were mad at me. Because he always wanted me. At least until he thought I was too old.

I felt like my heart was trying to escape the entire drive. The moment Ben told me we were halfway there I started sweating me wondering what was going to happen what…he had seen me three days before. Why was he even still in Florida? Why was…

When he said I could open my eyes there was that house that almost looked like a castle. Uncle Ben still driving up the private road that led to it. By the time he came to the stop near the front door I was shaking. This wasn’t…

“There you are little one,” Lionel said opening the door before Uncle Ben had even undone his seat belt. I need you to come with me. Your Father said he couldn’t stand the site of you. So, for now, you’re mine, aren’t you?”

I didn’t know what to do nodding my head. My face was almost healed by that point. My ass was healing. The most broken thing about me was my mind James’ screams through the door ringing in my ear as he looked at me. Running a hand over the top of my head before sighing.

“We’ll start with grooming,” he muttered, “Are you staying to play, Benjamin?”

“Now that I’m here of course. Did you send that one off yet or…?”

“He’s still here. Be gentle though we’ve had inquiries. However, if you want to get rough there is that little one from Bangladesh that came in with the last shipment. You can do whatever you like with that one,” Lionel told him, “Come on little one. Let’s get you to the perp room. We’ll have great fun.”

It was early August. I think it was the second. So, the shock to my system when we went from the hot humid Florida air to the cold climate inside the villa caused my nipples to harden, I remember Lionel found that amusing letting go of my hand and wrapping his arms around my waist at first before cupping each one of my pec’s using his hands to cover my nipples as he whispered in my ear.

“If I didn’t know better I would say someone is possibly excited about our lesson today. Is that what’s going on little one? Are you excited to see me?” he asked kissing the back of my bare neck as he walked me to down the hallway my face heating up.  
It was cold. It was really cold inside the villa. So, my nipples had gotten hard. My face going red as he said the words. I remember wanting to go home. Wanting another chance. I didn’t want any of that stuff going on. Him walking me down the hall and then through a huge door and down another hallway. Him sighing as he stopped moving not allowing me to move forward on my own his hands sliding back down to my waist.

“Brian,” he said getting the attention of one of the men in the room before he started talking to me.

It was always weird when he spoke no matter what he was talking about you would think he was talking about the weather unless you were in …in bed with him. Doing those things. The only emotion he really had was anger and even that was often subdued his voice dropping in volume as he looked at you unblinking the way he stared making you understand that you were in trouble. That if you didn’t correct your behavior something bad was going to happen. That he was giving you your only warning.  
“Ok little one, don’t worry you’re not going on rotation. These boys are on it but I would just ignore them if I were you. We’re going to make a video today for fun. This will be new and exciting and I think you’ll really enjoy yourself. So, what we’re going to do is clean you up and get you ready. I’ll come back and get him in an hour,” he said addressing the young man around Uncle Ben’s age that came up to stand in front of me, “I want his haircut. Make it…” Lionel sighed in my ear running his hand through my hair, “Crewcut. Not too short but just enough.”

“You got it, boss,” Brian since that was apparently his name replied as Lionel kissed my cheek before letting me go.

“You’re a pretty one,” Brian said, “Weren’t you here last year? Around what was it…Thanksgiving?”

I didn’t answer him. He gestured to a chair. There were a couple more adults in the room. None of them seemed to be actively molesting any of the boys but they all stared at me. A couple of them walking past as I stood there all of them following this one guy that looked older. Older than Brian.

“You can talk to me,” Brian said, “It might help you relax a little bit.”

I shook my head hugging myself. Again, I didn’t have a shirt on. I felt pretty damn naked and everyone else was in a state of undress. There were several boys that were in the room laying on those weird beds that were naked. One of them had a guy pressing on his stomach and there was another two or three boys in the room as well and they themselves were also all naked. The older guys in the room weren’t completely naked but were wearing more banana hammocks or slim white pouches just covering their genitals and nothing else including Brian. I was the only one wearing actual clothes let alone pants.

“Not talking won’t make it better kid, I’m serious. You might want to just take a deep breath and try to chill out. You’re going to be here long enough to make sure you’re smooth if we need to, cleaned out and cut. You know, groomed.”

“Smooth?” I asked quietly.

“They’ll wax you if they have to,” Some boy said that was sitting in a chair one of the men wearing the banana hammocks doing something with his feet. He was pale and his eyes were such a dark blue they looked gray. Light curly brown hair just touching the nape of his neck. I had seen him before. He had been at my marking.

“Like your arm hair?” I asked him.

“If it’s long,” he answered, “Have I seen you before?”

I nodded my head. I wasn’t sure what to say to him. He was naked. Everyone was naked and I was wearing sweatpants and boxers. Brian taking the spray bottle and wetting my hair getting ready to cut it.

“How come I never see you here?” he asked me.

“I don’t know,” I answered quietly, “Do you come here a lot?”

“I am here every weekend sometimes all week long. Why are…”

Brian interrupted his questioning, “I’m in a good mood so I’m not going to tell you off Drake but, you know the rules. He’s a five. An untouchable that’s why you haven’t seen him since his marking.”

“Ah, ya ponimayu,” Drake muttered, “So you don’t do rotations.”

“Rotations?” I asked quietly.

“Anyone that’s under a well, a you has to come in at least once every six months for a weekend and service a bunch of handlers or if you want to be really kinky “daddies” and you know…play with them,” Brian explained a couple of them bursting into laughter as they watched my face, “Because you’re untouchable you only need to come in for parties. It depends on if someone wants you or not.”

“That’s why he likes you, you know?” Brian told me, “You’re sweet.”

I didn’t reply staying quiet before it hit me. That sometimes Lionel called it playing and other times he called it teaching or lessons or training. What was the difference? Was there any difference?

“What’s the difference between playing and lessons?” I asked.

“God, you untouchables really know nothing, do you?” Drake asked rolling his eyes, “It’s…one they are teaching you something, to scream, how to be silent, how to take doubles, something. They don’t always explain what. If they did it would make teaching make more sense though. Playing is …there’s not lesson really. Like, say you got in trouble for whatever you stole food from the kitchen, something stupid, yes? Ok, they will teach you a lesson. That might be nursing or it would be fucking. Something. Something stupid. Sometimes they can have lessons and playing at the same time. Like pegging. They call it lesson but not really. There’s no…,” he trailed off.

“What he said,” Brian muttered.

“Are you a bottom?” I asked Brian quietly.

“Recruit,” he answered, “I’m on duty though so sadly I can’t play. You don’t strike me as that type of boy. And you’re his.”

I felt my face go red I wasn’t asking because…he actually thought I wanted to…?

“Relax, like I said I couldn’t if I wanted to. I didn’t think you were asking because you wanted to kid. I’m not stupid. No one at your age wants to. Or very rarely anyway. If anything, a lot of them at your age if they are into it at all they want to get their hands on someone else,” Brian said.

“I don’t…”

“I didn’t think you were,” Brian said, “Now just be still here. I’m going to mostly buzz you and it’s starting to get long. Your hair is down past your chin. Why is it so long?”

“I don’t know I think my mum was going to get it cut like the week we left and then we never did so…,” I trailed off.

“I miss having a mom,” Drake said looking at me, “What’s she like?”

“My mum?” I asked him, “I miss having one too. She’s not at home anymore. She was nice though. She had red hair like John. Green eyes. Mum was small. Like I’m tall for my age and I’m a little bit taller than she is. She read to everyone a lot. Especially my little brothers and sisters. She …she’d try to…to keep us safe. Just you know…she’d fi…”

“You know there’s nothing to protect you from, right?” Brian asked me.

“I’m sorry she’s gone. Do you think something bad happened to her?” Drake asked me changing the topic.

“I don’t know Dr. Palmer said that she’s alive but that they have her somewhere. That they’re going to change her,” I said.

“She’ll be fine,” Brian told me. 

I’m not sure why he said it. Maybe he could sense the idea upset me or something as he finally finished my hair but, he did. I went quiet as he finished and then turned me around to look in the mirror.

“Do you like it?” he asked me, “I know a certain handler or Daddy is going to like it.”

“Daddy?” I asked him confused, “I have a Da but not a daddy.”

He laughed loudly, “Please like I don’t know why you’re here? Anyone with a brain knows why you’re here sweetheart. Why he wants you all pretty. You’re going to make a movie. Sweet little thing like you.”

“A movie?” I asked my insides feeling cold.

“You know they take a camera, right?” Drake asked Brain who nodded his head beside me, “They take a camera and you play or learn while they film for other people to watch. They like to clean you for that. Make you very clean.”

“I didn’t know I was…” I said feeling like I couldn’t breathe, feeling like I had just been thrown off a cliff.

“Relax it’ll be fun. When you’re on screen though they’re Daddy L or Daddy A, or Daddy B. Play Daddies,” Brian said, “You need to cut the shit, your hair is done so strip.”

I felt numb. Stupid. So other people called him Daddy L? That was a relief. Made it feel less personal knowing I wasn’t the only one. That it was anyone that made videos with him. It felt freeing to know that somehow. That maybe it wasn’t something about me that made him want to hear that. That it was just the way things were.

“Stand up now. I won’t ask again and I’m pretty sure whatever video they want you pretty for if you don’t behave it’s going to cause a huge issue. So, you better get it together stand up and strip,” Brian said his voice cold.

Everyone else went silent. The little bits of chatter that had been happening dying off. I felt like everyone was watching me. Watching me to see what I would do next. I swallowed and stood up, my whole-body shivering as the room felt like it was dropping even lower in temperature as I stepped out of my sweatpants holding them. Not sure what to do with them.

“Oh, come on. I must clean you out, so just drop them ok? I’m not supposed to remove your clothes or anything especially if you’re his so you need to drop those tighty whities. Ok?” Brian said looking at me.

He walked behind me apparently going over to the tables. The weird ones where they drained your stomach me sighing and dropping my underwear, stepping out of them and leaving it on the floor with my sweatpants as Brian smiled at me.

“You’re fine, get over here,” he said as I looked at him. 

Ok, I knew what this was. I knew what I was supposed to do. I tried to relax as he made me lay on my side and fed the hose into me the cold liquid flooding my insides.

“Ok, you know how this goes. Hold it until it hurts and then let it go,” he said pulling the hose out my insides already complaining as he turned on a stream of water next to my side.

I didn’t want to. There were other boys in the room. In a room where I was about to shit myself. Where…where they were all going through the same thing. I groaned as I fought with my stomach. Fought to hold onto my bowels. Brian laughing.

“You might as well let it go now. Don’t act like they haven’t smelt shit before. Drake had to play in a big pile of it last week,” Brian said smiling, “Didn’t you Drake? A good little shit eater you are isn’t that, right?”

“Mudak,” Drake said shaking his head, “It doesn’t matter. Do what you must. We all share a bathroom anyway. So just…go for it. Otherwise, you’ll hurt yourself.

I couldn’t hold it anymore. Crapping all over myself, all over my legs as I let out a huge fart which surprisingly no one laughed at. Brian walking away as the quiet chatter around the room picked up again. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. Only that someone was about the point a camera at me. That, someone, was going to …me closing my eyes as a shiver ran through my body before someone cleared their throat above me causing me to open my eyes. Brian staring at me.

“Do you still feel like you have to push?” he asked me to which I shook my head.

“All right I’ll hose you down and then across the hall to shower. Since you don’t really have enough pubic hair to wax off. I can bring you back and put lotion on you after that. The boss would usually do that himself but he’s got someone else he’s dealing right now. Supposedly. I think it’s just general shit though, to be honest.”

With that, he picked up the hose attached to the side of the table and then rinsed off my bottom half before rinsed the mess away into the toilet underneath the table and helped me up. My legs felt weak. My brain felt numb and my stomach felt sick. And yet he didn’t blink as he threw me into the giant shower room again several boys already in there some as young as six walking around naked, their laughter dying down as he entered the room and pointed at a shower head before leaving shutting the door behind him again.

“Who are you? Are you new?” One of the smaller boys asked me.

He had blond hair, curled tightly to his head. He looked like no boy I had ever seen before. His skin light and his hair blond like I said in tight bouncy curls but his eyes were a startling Hazel. I’m pretty sure he was probably the first biracial kid I had ever seen to have that mix of traits. The thought striking me that was probably a part of the reason he was there, to begin with. Because of his unique features.

“No, he’s not new Eddy look at his hip, remember?”

“I’ve never seen that before,” he said, “V? Why does he have a V?”

“He’s an untouchable that we shouldn’t be talking to,” the older boy answered.

He had to of been around John’s age. His hair brown and curly, his eyes a really strange sharp shade of blue. It made me think that was the reason he was there. Like I have stated previously I had never seen an ugly bottom even though I had never seen bottoms like these two before either. It was almost like there was something that made them stick out. That made them different from the average person. I wondered if that was a common thing. Or if it was something else. 

I didn’t even feel bad that the older boy had told him not to talk to me. I wasn’t sure what to say to them anyway. Me wondering what Lionel was planning to do as someone called my name out in the hall.

“William are you clean?” It was some guy I didn’t know standing there with Sergei who was wearing a banana hammock of his own my face going hot as I looked at him. The other guy was also wearing a white coat along with his other obvious attire.

“Huh,” I barely managed.

I had washed my body about half way and washed my hair them both looking at me.

“Finish up. I have to check you for something and then you can go back to the prep room and get you all nice and oiled up.”

“He said he starts with Stein,” Sergei muttered.

“Really? Is he paying us a visit? You sure that’s what he said? Usually, his tastes lay in other places,” the man in the white coat said as I tried to quickly finish washing my body.

I didn’t know who that was. Stein? It wasn’t a name I remembered ever hearing before. It seemed …He had never let anyone else but Jai so why now all the sudden was there other people? He hadn’t seemed that mad at me at all. He hadn’t even mentioned Beau. He had only told me how much he had missed me. Told me he had heard about John and that he was sorry. That he could tell I was stressed and then…I thought maybe that had been my punishment. Listening to that. Listening to him do that to my little brother. My little brother that he knew mattered to me.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe this was my real punishment. Stein. Maybe that was really …I sighed heavily quickly rinsing myself before the guy in the coat grabbed me hard by the arm pushing me up against a wall rather roughly.

“Ok, now squat I need to check your cunt,” he said.

Just hearing him say it like that made my face hot. Him referring to it like that. I was a boy. I didn’t have a vagina. My uncle made Mike, Matt and James call them boy pussy’s but usually only when he was doing that, when they were in bed. I had never had it called a straight up cunt before. The idea making me feel sick to my stomach. Even worse than it already was. 

I was just glad I hadn’t eaten yet. Otherwise, I was sure I would have vomited. From anxiety, from disgust, from…I sighed doing what I was told him taking his finger and prodding. Not using a glove or lube or anything the feeling raw, rough, making me cringe.

“Yeah, you’re fine,” the guy muttered, “Come on.” 

He grabbed me hard holding my shoulder, squeezing it as he pushed and pulled me forcefully back across the hall. Back to Brian who smiled at me shrugging his shoulders.

“God, you’re a pretty one. It’s a shame really,” he muttered standing me over in a corner, “Spread your arms out to your sides.”

I did as I was told almost too afraid to ask but figuring nothing could be worse then what they were about to make me do. That there wasn’t any point in sparing myself and that he saw whatever it was they saw me taking a deep breath and closing my eyes before I worked up the courage.

“What’s a shame?” I asked barely above a whisper.

“That you’re a five. I’d love to see that perfect little pout wrapped around my cock,” he said my face probably flushing.

I don’t think anyone had ever said that to me like that before. Lionel called it nursing. Arthur had said he wanted me to but he hadn’t really mentioned me in detail just issued the command. I moved to wrap my arms around my naked frame.

“No, arms out ok? Trust me you don’t want to run late. This is the last bit. Makes you shiny and soft. For Stein the softer you are the better,” he said rubbing the lotion into my skin.

“Do you know what he’s going to do?” I asked Brian.

“Sorry,” Brian said giving me a sheepish smile, “You want to spread your legs a little bit? He’s going to want to oil up certain areas but, I can still kind of…”

“Why? I don’t under…”

“It’s not your job to understand. It’s your job to do what you’re told,” Brian told me, “Now come on. I’ll take you to the room ok?”

I nodded my head. I wished I could find it in me to scream but I remembered that girl from before. From the night I had seen Jai. How her little brother was here somewhere. How all of these little boys even if they were older than me were someone’s brothers, someone’s sons, and cousins, nephews. How someone would be so angry at me if my mistakes were to coast them their lives. How I didn’t want anyone else angry with me. My dad already hated me. I was never going home. So why try and fight it? What was the point?

Brian grabbed me by the elbow a lot more gently then the guy in the coat had looking at me and the at the slightly irritated skin under his hand, “Lionel won’t be happy with Huntz. I’m assuming that’s who did this?”

I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t know the guy’s name my face burning as I remembered what he said, the words making me aware of my body. Aware of how naked I was. How he could have…Anyone of them and I wouldn’t be able to stop them. How they were about to and…making my throat feel tight.

“Hold on a second,” he said opening a door.

It didn’t look anything like what I thought it would. It was a room that was huge and wide open a small bathroom in the corner. It had a landscape of a forest painted on the wall. Dragons flying overhead and Unicorns running through the trees. There were a couple of TV’s and a corner with a play kitchen and other toys, toy boxers full to the brim of toys two or three little boys there all naked one of them the boy from the shower him holding two plastic dinosaurs in his hands knocking them together and rawring and making other animal sounds.

“Eddie, come here,” Brian said smiling at the kid.

Eddies instantly went silent dropping the toys. Looking at him.

“It’s my break,” Eddie said, “I always get my break. Always always.”

“Eddie you’re not trouble, I just need you to come here ok? Daddy T wants to see you.”

“But it’s not his day. It’s Monday,” he said pointing to a big board on the wall a yellow smiley face that said Monday sitting the middle of it.

“Eddie, now,” Brian said almost perfectly mimicking that tone Lionel used.

Eddie nodded his head dropping the toys and standing up and starting to come towards us.

“You know Daddy S1 will bust you for that, go put them away,” he told him to which Eddie sighed heavily before stomping over and putting them away, putting them in one of the toy boxes.

“Good job. You’re going to come with us ok?” Brian said to him.

“Why?” he asked.

“You don’t ask why. You know better. How many times have you been here?”

“Tons and Tons,” Eddie murmured.

“I don’t know why you think you can question me. You should know better by now,” he told Eddie.

“But you’re not a Daddy. Not a real one,” he muttered to Brian.

“I will be one day and the moment I am if you don’t behave I will teach you. You need to remember that,” Brian said to which Eddie went silent and nodded his head taking Brian’s hand without another word as he walked with us.

He walked us to a door that opened onto a stairway and we walked down. The hallway under was dark. The walls were dark. At first, I wasn’t sure there were any walls but it was black paint. Really black paint. Brian walking us to the end of a hall and opening the red door there.

I had to blink it was so bright. Unusually bright and the room was tan, the walls. It was a huge room but unusually void of furniture, for the most part, except in tiny clumps around the room there was something else weird about it. A couple doors off each wall and big Cameras. I knew what a video camera was I just had never seen that kind of one before. Big and set on tripods. Sort of like in behind the scenes stuff for movie promotions a pile of grips leaned gently against one wall. There were five cameras three on the stands and two on a table in the middle of the room all the of them were pointed at a bed. A bed with plain white bedclothes from sheets to comforter the frame an oiled brass metal.

So, when Brian had said they were going to make movies of me he meant real movies. Real movies like movie movies. The kind you saw in theatres.

“Sir! I have them!” Brian shouted a door opening.

“There you are my little one!” Lionel said as the door opened coming out first coming up to me and hugging me Teddy coming out behind him Lionel smiling at me and then looking at Brian, “Is he empty? Ready?”

“Yeah, he’s ready sir,” Brian answered, “Do you like his hair?”

“I love it! Much more boyish!” Lionel said running his hands over my scalp as he leaned in kissing my neck, “My beautiful boy huh? We’re going to have lots of fun aren’t we little one?”

I felt sick, not sure what to do. Letting him…him hug me.

Other men filtered into the room all wearing the same uniform it seemed like everyone else wore. Tony the short-tanned guy that looked like he was made of hair was even wearing one a white banana hammock and nothing else several other guys coming out of the room behind them. Teddy looking sheepishly at me.

“Ok,” Tony said coming over and walking up to Eddie whose eyes went wide before he looked at his feet his arms to his sides, “This the deal. Because you’re not trained, not fully we’re going to use a whipping boy for you. I’ve heard your smart so I’m going to assume you know what a whipping boy is.”

Yes, I knew what a whipping boy was. A whipping boy was the best friend of a prince. A boy that when the prince misbehaved was punished instead of the prince. That’s why Eddie was there I realized. He was my whipping boy. He was…me feeling sick to my stomach. He was little. He had to of barely been older than James. Just the way he talked you could tell. He was just a little boy. He…

“This,” Tony said walking over to this weird what looked like a graph on the wall, “Is the counter.”

It was built into the wall. The pieces made of wood. It had two tabs on each side of what looked like a thermometer words carved into the wood that was hard to see.

“the counter is for punishments. You say no it goes on the counter, you use a name instead of an intimal it goes on the counter. Those are things that cost us, me and the boss money. Money to take the time to edit it out, to fix it. To reshoot it. If you notice the first 10 notches are blank. That’s because sometimes we use younger kids for videos. They get 10 counts for no consequence, you because this is your first video you are getting 10 counts of no consequences. Do you want to read what the punishments are?

The first notch that had a punishment by it was spanking open-handed, the second one was punching, the 3rd was spanking with a paddle from there it went up in order, caning, foot or backside, canning asshole, throat fuck, throat fuck while beating, milk shot, natural milk shot, raw milk shot and at the top binders. I didn’t know what any of the last four meant. And was afraid to ask.

“If you’re wondering what the last four are since language here is a bit different then I’m sure it is with your Dad at home that’s anal. I’m sure at home you might call it love time or special time or making love here it’s a milk shot because in this room we always finish in the ass. I’m sure you understand what raw and natural mean in that case correct?”

I nodded my head afraid if I opened my mouth I was going to vomit.

“Good. If it gets all the way to the top all the punishments take place. Before then it’s up to the boss usually if the indiscretion warrants all the punishment below where your counter is sitting or if it’s just the one it’s sitting on. So, like say …” Tony sighed looking at the counter and then pulling it up to throat fuck, “That’s your counter by the way, say you get all the way up to throat fuck the boss gets to decide if Eddie here gets just his throat fucked he said touching the top of Eddie's head or if he gets spanked and then all the way up the list to the marker understand?”

“Use your words little one,” Lionel said coming up behind him and wrapping his arms around my waist.

“Yes, I understand,” barely managed.

“Good,” So this is what we’re doing the rules are simple. I prompt you for something you do it. You do it without me having to prompt you again. I ask you to tell Teddy here to fuck your boy pussy you say it. You don’t say no, you don’t cry, you don’t blink you say what you’re told to say. I tell you to smile and suck his little cocklet you suck it and you suck it good. No names. If it’s an adult wearing a mask and this red light is on you call him Daddy and then his first intimal that means the leader or Boss is Daddy L I’m Daddy T, the best boy over there he’s Daddy J. If you don’t remember names you can call them Daddy X ok?”

Lionel squeezed my waist lightly me figuring that was probably a nonverbal prompt, “Yes si…Daddy T.” I said feeling like I was going to scream.

Tony smiled widely, “Good, you catch on fast. This should be easy then. Usually I would have a whipping boy for your friend but Teddy’s well trained. He doesn’t need a whipping boy. If he makes an infraction he knows who pays. Don’t you T?” Tony said.  
“Yes, Daddy T,” Teddy said looking at the floor.

“Ok, now I want everyone to get ready. Make sure they are secure I don’t want them coming off,” Tony said someone walking back through the door they had all just come out of and grabbing these masks. They looked almost like Zorro masks every one of them. Covering from the forehead down to the tip of the nose leaving only the chin and mouth uncovered along with the two holes for the eyes to see out of. It tied around their heads like a bandana.

“You heard the man in your places. Equipment should be ready,” Lionel said before kissing the back of my neck, “Ok little one. Why don’t you get on the bed? We’ll start playing, ok? Pretend they aren’t even here.”

What? But Tony had just said…

“Come on,” Lionel whispered to me giving me a gentle push towards the bed where all the cameras were pointed before he let go of my waist.

I felt like I was drowning. Like my world had been turned upside down and suddenly someone was telling me to walk. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Everything felt so wrong.

“Come on,” Lionel said grabbing my hips making me walk forward until I hit the bed at the knees him forcing my body forward and onto the bed, “Roll over. Don’t make Daddy T ask you little one, ok?”

I rolled over, resting the weight of my torso on my elbows as I did so Lionel smiling at me, kissing my cheek and then sliding his tongue into my mouth. I wasn’t sure what else I could do so I let him. My brain focusing on that weird chart/puzzle craved into the wall. My brain focusing on the punishments Eddie would receive if I wasn’t good. If I didn’t do what I was told.

He licked the roof of my mouth as he pulled away, pulled back smiling at me, “Do you want me to suck you W?”

My brain blanked for a second. I was so scared it blanked for a second as I looked at him trying to figure out why he called me W. Why he wouldn’t call me little one.

“Say yes W,” Tony muttered to me looking up and noticing.

Some of the guys in the masks we’re holding booms over our heads, there were cameras on. All the red lights blinking indicating they were recording like angry red lighting bugs.

“Recruit F could you…?” Tony started to say one of the guys standing back going towards the wall with the chart his hand out.

“I want you to suck me Daddy L,” I spit out my whole body shaking causing the guy to stop moving mid-step.

“Ok good,” Tony said, “Now try it again only make it sound like you mean it.”

Like I meant it? Of course, I didn’t mean it. Lionel rubbing his hand up and down my chest. Repeating the motion as he smiled at me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before opening them, before trying again trying to make it sound real. Trying to make his face turn into someone else’s. Someone who I had once wanted to touch me, someone whose eyes had gone big as I had used my fingers stimulate their prostate, someone that I had used my body to help, to make feel good.

“I want you to suck me, Daddy,” I managed biting my bottom lip.

“Yeah W? Are you sure that’s what you want, sexy boy?”

“Yeah Daddy, I…I think it’d feel really good,” I said Lionel’s eyes lighting up as he nodded at me in encouragement. Almost like he was proud. 

He was proud I hadn’t needed prompting for that, as he licked a trail down the middle of my chest. He wasted no time. His mouth going there my body started to get lost in sensation.

“Moan like it feels good. Tell him it feels good W, T, if you want to…” Tony said Teddy stepping in front of the cameras his eyes wide like he was seeing something surprising.

“Daddy you’re only supposed to play with me like that!? Why are you doing that to him, Daddy? He’s just my friend. He’s not special like I am.”

Lionel’s lips making a popping sound as he let me go.

“Well, T if you want to join us you can. Isn’t that right W?” Lionel asked me not missing a beat almost like it was scripted. A script I had never seen. Lionel giving me an encouraging smile.

“Yeah…T,” I managed, “If you want to you can play with us.”

“Tell him he can pump your boy pussy,” Tony said to me.

What? Was I supposed to say that? I…

“You cry you’re going to cost me time and money kid and that’s your first tick you get it the fuck together W. Now,” Tony hissed.

“Y…You c-can pu...pump my,” I hiccupped trying to keep myself from crying trying to stay calm.

“Daddy L can I have a second to talk to him? Just us?” Teddy asked him.

Lionel sighed heavily but stood up, “Daddy T why don’t you show me the angels for a minute and pause?”

“All right boss you got it. You’re lucky he likes you kid,” Tony said to me as Lionel got up walking over to where Tony was standing Teddy climbing into the bed next to me.

“Listen, Will, I know you’re scared but you have to do this. That chart, that thing is no joke they will do it. Tony gets mad like super easy. Just act like it’s pretend, ok? Usually, the best thing to do is instead of waiting for him to tell you to say something. Is to …anytime you’re asked a question say yes. Repeat back what they asked or, make a suggestion. Usually, it’s something like “you want me to lick you, baby?” Teddy started giving me an example, “Say yeah Daddy I want you to lick my boy pussy or my boy fruit. Just like…try and think how they think. Try and give them the answer they want. I know it’s going to make you feel sick but if you can…smile while you say it usually they are happier.”

“Are you really…?”

I didn’t want to say it. I didn’t want to have sex with Teddy. He was my friend. They’d already made me have sex with my brother. I might as well have. Da had given him a hand job until he had cum in my face. I had tasted some of it. I had licked his penis even though I hadn’t wanted to. I had…he had…yeah. And then days later he had tried to kill himself. Maybe it really was my fault. Maybe Da was right.

“I don’t want to,” Teddy whispered, “I know you don’t want to. But that little boy over there is going to suffer if we don’t go along with it. As well as another little boy who is very important to me, ok? So, we have to. I need you to, ok?”

Luke. That little kid who had asked me to play with him the night after…after Jai. That’s why Teddy didn’t have a whipping boy. He actually did Lionel just didn’t want me to know that’s who it was for some reason. I sighed nodding my head thinking about what I would do if it were James. If Eddie were James. I wouldn’t try to make it sound real, I would make sure it sounded real. Me nodding my head as I decided it was something I was going to do.

I was going to try my best to give them whatever it was they wanted so Eddie didn’t have to suffer, so Luke didn’t have to suffer. That I was going to …have sex with Ted. That it was going to…

“Ok, I think we’re ready,” Teddy said.

“Ok,” Lionel said grabbing the back of Teddy’s neck roughly before French kissing him forcefully.

He did the same thing to me a few minutes later. Teddy taking a few steps back as I sighed deeply, Lionel putting his mouth back around me again. I looked at Teddy my breath starting to feel like it was going hitch as I tried not to moan tried to talk despite what he was doing.

“Teddy, you…”

“That’s a notch!” Tony said, “I like the enthusiasm but, no names. He’s T. You’re W, he’s Daddy L ok?”

“Sorry,” I said quietly, “I…I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s fine don’t cry about it. Just try again, go on,” Tony prompted.

“T you want to pound my boy pussy,” I said feeling my face flush red as I said the words everyone seeming to ignore it.

“Yeah, Daddy L you should roll him on his side,” Teddy said giving me a sympathetic look.

I remember my face and body feeling hot as it happened, Teddy crawling on the bed behind me as Lionel made me shift my weight still giving me a blow job. I tried to keep myself from moaning, from…but I couldn’t. Them not stopping until I had orgasmed as Well as Teddy before Tony called for a break.

I was hoping it was over but there was knock on the door shortly after he called for the cameras to stop rolling another guy walking in. He was probably close to Da’s age and at first, I didn’t recognize him. Not until I looked at him. How his banana hammock looked like it was overstuffed. He was talking to one of the guys holding a boom and reach over to grab a mask.

I instantly felt sick, my mouth starting to water as I looked at him feeling like I was half conscious Teddy apparently sensing it, “Daddy T he’s going to throw up.”

“Ok hold on,” Tony said before he shoved a random trash Can at Teddy, “Try not to get it on the bed.”

“It’s ok Will,” Ted told me quietly, “It’s ok. You did great. Ok?”

I shook my head, “I can’t. I know him I can’t. I…”

“I know we’re not filming right now so I’m not going to have those notched but I want you to know I don’t like that language. So, you need to chill the fuck out. You’re going to do what you’re told or this sweet little piece…well, we have fun sometimes don’t we Eddie?”

Eddie didn’t look up continuing to sit under the puzzle thing watching everyone quietly, making sure he stayed out of the way. Watching me throw up into the trash can Teddy handed me as he rubbed my back.

He had been at my marking. The guy that was there. He had licked and sucked on my nipples. Slowly, I remembered his eyes. How he had taken his time kissing each one of my shoulders before he …the memory making me feel sick.

“Will? Will calm, ok? You’ll be fine,” Teddy tried to assure me.

“Please, please don’t…Li…Daddy L please. I’m begging you anyone but him. Anyone but him. I …”

Lionel turned when he heard me say his name. He walked over towards where Teddy and I were still near the bed.

“Oh, my little one,” Lionel said hugging me, pulling me halfway into his lap, “Shhh…it’s ok. Daddy J isn’t going to hurt you. You know that. You remember him, don’t you? He won’t hurt you. Not such a sexy sweet little boy like you.”

“He’s right you know?” Josh said, “I didn’t hurt you last time, did I? You look different by the way. A lot taller than the last time I saw you. You know I don’t want to hurt you. I’ll be gentle just like last time.”

I remembered him. How could I forget him? He had hurt. I could feel him moving inside of me somewhere that felt too deep. Somewhere that felt wrong that Da had never reached or Uncle Ben or anyone. I remembered the pain. That sharp pain all the way up into my stomach. I couldn’t do it. Not even for Eddie who was counting on me, I couldn’t do it.

“Don’t make me please Daddy L please, don’t make…”

“Shhh, …it’s ok. He’ won’t hurt. He doesn’t want to hurt. That’s why he’s so gentle because he knows he’s a lot for a boy to handle. Trust me it’s important. He’s warming you up. Trust me it’s very important. You know what I think? If I go first he’ll be a little calmer,” Lionel told Tony suddenly.

“You’re too soft Lionel,” Tony said shaking his head.

“Well, I was hoping we’d get closer to the finish line before this happened. He’s a sweetheart. He really is most of the time. This is an important lesson though. I want this to be calm. Or I did,” Lionel told them like Teddy and I weren’t even there.

“I thought the point was to make him scream,” Tony questioned him, “You know how much we make with videos where they scream? If you think it’s going to be a problem I’ll have him shackled. It’s not a big deal. That and you do realize the idea was unrealistic anyway I mean he’s 11 inches. You really think a kid isn’t going to freak out seeing that monster?”

That was why. Why I remembered it hurting so badly.

“It’s never led me wrong,” Josh said shrugging his shoulder, “he knows what he likes.”

“It’s a cock, not a person,” One of the boom grips mumbled.

“It might as well be. I mean have you seen it? My wife has never complained,” Josh said pulling the side of his banana hammock over for a second exposing himself.

“Come on little one,” Lionel said kissing the top of my head, “Just relax,” he said tony whistling as Lionel moved, shifted his weight so instead of holding me he was on top of me, “Tell me what you want. Tell me what will make it better.”

“Tell him,” Tony said Lionel rubbing the outside of my thighs.

I didn’t want to say it. I didn’t. He was just doing it first. Raping me before Josh did to try and calm me down. I didn’t want to say it.

“Notch,” Tony said, “Tell him.”

“I just want to make you feel good little one. How can Daddy make you feel good?” Lionel asked me before he leaned in kissing my shoulder.

He started sucking and kissing at my neck, gently. His hands gently touching my thighs which were still closed, looking for permission, for…I didn’t want to.

“Notch. That’s three, next time someone needs to say something I’m adding three. Say it,” Tony warned me.

“F…fuck me, Daddy,” I managed Lionel’s eyes lighting up as he heard me say it, as he smiled.

“Do you want me to fill you with my cum, my love juice my sweet little W?” He cooed.

I nodded my head, “Fill me with your cum, please Daddy,” I said the words making me feel sick.

“Want it in your mouth?” he asked, “Or do you want it in your pussy?”

I felt my face heating up just looking into his eyes. Not sure what he wanted me to say. Wondering if…if there was a wrong answer. If he wanted me to do that, to suck him off or if he wanted to…

He leaned in kissing my neck and sucking at the skin before he whispered in my ear “say you want it in your pussy.”

“I…I want it in my pussy Daddy,” I managed before biting my bottom lip trying to remind myself to stay calm. That Eddie was counting on me to stay calm, “Please Daddy fill me with your cum. Give me your cum in my pussy.”

“Yeah, my little one?” Lionel said giving me a small nod of encouragement as he smiled at me, as I allowed him to part my legs, to gently pull my knees apart.

He grabbed something causing me to look up, to take my eyes off him and notice one of the cameras that had been on the table, one of the ones that hadn’t been on a stand a guy in one of the masks holding it close to my face Tony shouting in response.  
“Ignore him! Look at Daddy L or there are the three notches I was talking about.”

I looked back at Lionel, Lionel who had just grabbed a tube, Lionel who was…, “You sure you want my love juice W?’

“Yes, Daddy I want your love juice. Come in my…pussy,” I said the last part coming out quieter than I had meant it.

I didn’t have a pussy I was a boy. Boy’s didn’t have pussies. Even if that’s what they wanted to call them that’s not what it was. Lionel not even using his fingers to stretch me open because at that point Teddy had already penetrated me had sex with me until we had both climaxed. Lionel slowly working his way into my body. Pushing in a little bit before shifting his weight back. Repeating the motion until he could go no further. Until I could feel him all the way up inside of me. Him starting to kiss and lick my neck and collarbone again. Before he rocked forward into me.

I gasped sharply. I hated that feeling. The feeling of him…doing that. Inside my body.

“Look at me, little one,” Lionel muttered pressing his forehead against mine, “You want me to find your button?” he asked before mouthing the words, “say yes”

“Yes Daddy, touch my button please,” I barely managed to keep my voice steady.

It was hard. His face so close to mine, him brushing against my prostate making my eyes go wide.

“Ahhh,” escaped me slamming my mouth shut and gulping, my face going red.

I didn’t want them knowing. I mean they probably knew anyway because I could feel how…how hard I was but I didn’t want all of them knowing that he was. 

“Tell me the fuck you,” Lionel muttered into my skin as he kissed my chest, his hands moving up my sides as he started playing with my nipples running his fingers over them.

“Fuck me, daddy,” I barely managed between pants, “mmm…mmm…”

“He makes sweet little sound’s, doesn’t he?” One of the sound boom techs muttered.

“Oh, Daddy L just has the special touch. Don’t you, Boss?” Tony said.

“You would too with this one. He’s so tight, he feels like satin and he enjoys it. Don’t you baby?” Lionel asked me.

I nodded my head trying to stop myself from moaning. Lionel must have seen it in my face because he kissed my neck aggressively and then whispered, “Make all the sounds you want, little one. I love hearing you build for me. Make that sweet creamy nectar for me to drink from your sweet plump boy fruit.”

I wanted to beg him to stop. Instead the only choice I had being what they told me to say. To do. Lionel eventually pulling out me thinking he was done only to feel his finger.

“You still have some room in there, you still want my love juice baby?” he asked into my back before he whispered, “Tell me you want me to pound your pussy with my love meat little one. Tell me you want me to fuck you until you cum screaming.”

“Yes Daddy,” I said, “I want you to…to pound my pussy with your…your love meat. Please, Daddy, fuck me until I….” at that, I broke down sobbing.

I wanted to be done. I didn’t want to do this anymore. I just wanted him to stop. My whole body one giant knot.

“Cut it guys just for a minute,” Tony said to the crew before he addressed me, “You’re not crying, not yet. Take a breath and calm down. And don’t you dare say what you want to say. You do I will move this up to throat fuck just because I can, you understand?”

I nodded my head.

“Use your words little one,” Lionel whispered.

“Yes, I understand D…Daddy T,” I said.

I had no idea where Teddy was but I was positive Eddie was still there. That he was depending on me not to let that happen. Not to let anyone hurt him. Rape his throat. His body.

I don’t know how but I closed my eyes before wiping my tears off on my arm. Pulling it back together.

“Are you ok, my little one?” Lionel asked me.

“Yes, Daddy L,” I said numbly, “I’m sorry I didn’t…I didn’t mean to cry. I just…it’s weird.” I said trying to think on my feet.

“What’s weird little one?” he asked me.

“Them,” I answered, “Watching.”

“Ah,” Lionel said, “I know you’re a good boy and that it feels a little wrong but, you’re doing exactly what I want you to. Unlike before.”

I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Unlike before.

“What little one? Did you think I forgot? That I had forgiven you?” he hissed, “You don’t play with anyone I don’t tell you to. Do you want to be a slut? I’ll breed you and then I’ll make you a slut with the help of the biggest meanest cocks I have. You understand? And I’ll make you beg for it while you scream.”

“AHHH!” I screamed as he slammed into me just hard enough it hurt.

“Changing the pace Daddy L?” Tony asked him.

“Yes, I want his little pussy filled,” Lionel said, “Do you know if Daddy J and Daddy S have their medical screenings up to date?”

“I can ask Daddy S2 or Daddy W. They would both know and they are both here,” Tony said.

“Do it,” Lionel said simply looking back at me, his eyes cold as he stared.

I understood the words but they hadn’t hit my brain yet. My brain trying to…trying to deny what I had heard. Trying to deny how real it was. Trying to believe that it wasn’t real. That he wouldn’t do that to me because I was his “little one” his “special boy” that no matter how mad he might be he wouldn’t do that.

As far as he knew I’d had unprotected lessons with two people. Him and Da. Really it was three because of Uncle Ben. That number was about to almost double. I could tell that from the way he was talking.

“You want me to radio Daddy S2? He’s probably in the file room you know that” Tony said.

“Yeah, I’m honestly surprised that Daddy W is here. He usually prefers the fairer sex,” Lionel said.

“He decided to add some meat to his diet,” Tony snickered, “How should I know?”

“Meat? No, you know me, I think it’s one of the sweetest things you can put in your mouth. Speaking of little one, why don’t you get on your knees? Lift that sweet little pussy in the air?”

I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to do that.

“You know me, boss. I’m not going to argue about it. You want me to radio it in or send someone to go check it out?” Tony asked Lionel.

“Radio it in. It’s faster that way,” Lionel said.

“If one of the isn’t recent?” Tony asked.

“Tell him to scan for the most recent and largest,” Lionel replied.

“Ok,” Tony said as I heard him sigh, “You guys can keep shooting but take his direction. If you think you see a good shot take it but otherwise let Daddy L do his thing how he wants to. Trust me, he’s good at it.”

“Yes, Daddy T,” A bunch of the boom grips and Camera people muttered as Tony stepped out into the hallway an electrical crackling emitting from something as he left the room.

“Ok, boys I want you to get as close as possible. I want the cameras to be able to see my cum dripping out of his pussy,” Lionel said as they picked the camera’s back up, “Tell me you want me to come. Tell me, baby. Now.”

“I want you to cum Daddy,” I whimpered before he grabbed my hips, shifting them upward making me arch my back burying himself deeper into me. His hand snaking over my hip and starting to rub my hardening erection.

I was tired. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I didn’t want my body to feel like that anymore. I hated begging for it. But I knew if I didn’t then so many bad things would happen. To Eddie.

“Tell me you want me to fuck you with my cock,” Lionel growled in my ear before nipping at my earlobe.

“Fuck me with your cock Daddy, please fuck meeee mmmm,” I groaned trying to breathe. Trying to keep myself from…from responding my whole body shaking and twitching as the door opened somewhere behind me, Lionel’s hand wrapped gently around my penis slowly rubbing.

“Yeah? Feels good little one?”

It hurt. It didn’t hurt as bad as when he slammed into me when he had first mounted me but it hurt. My body starting to burn while I wondered where Daddy J had gone. Me not seeing him. The door opening a few minutes later.

“Results for Daddy S came back last week all clear. Daddy J turned his in when he came in today and he got his results yesterday. Went into the office and picked them up himself to hand deliver to us so…they’re both clean,” Tony announced.

“That’s it, baby. That’s it right there huh? Right there…yeah…oh god, you…yes, yes…tell me to fuck you, tell me to…”

“Fuck me, Daddy, fill me with you…” I trailed off not wanting to finish the words. Not wanting to say it anymore. Tired of saying it. Of feeling like a slut. I started to cry as he thrust into me from behind. As he kept going my body complaining.

“Do you need more my little one? How would you like it if our friend T helped? Helped suck on that swollen boy fruit of yours? Does that sound good?” Lionel asked loud enough for the cameras to hear before demanding I say yes in a whispered hiss in my ear.

“Yes Daddy,” I managed in-between my pants.

He was right I was very close. I could feel how tight my muscles felt, how my thighs and calves were trembling with the effort of my muscles contracting. My body felt like it was done. The last thing I wanted was Teddy doing whatever Lionel wanted him to do. Suck me off. 

“It looks tasty,” Teddy said before he slid so he was laying sideways under me. He grabbed my hips using them to lift his face to me before he started sucking.

“Rub his head and tell him to suck your fruit until you cum,” Lionel whispered in my ear.

My eyes went wide mostly because I felt like I could barely breathe let alone speak and secondly because I was that close to hitting orgasm my whole-body shuddering as I struggled to put my hand on the back of Teddy’s head my hand shaking as I did it.  
“Suck my…until I cum…,” I barely managed before I groaned loudly shooting down Teddy’s throat him pulling away as Lionel came inside me before he pulled away, pulling out leaving my insides coated in his seed.

When they both let me go I collapsed breathless onto the bed. I felt like I could barely move. My muscles still complaining. My body tired as I closed my eyes letting my chest heave as I tried to catch my breath lying flat on my stomach. I could still feel my body, the contractions, and the shuddering even if it was slowing down.

“That’s hot, look at that pussy pop. People are going to enjoy seeing that,” One of the cameramen said making me aware of how close to my ass they actually were.

“Once it stops I want you guys to take 15 minutes,” Tony told everyone, “Bathroom, drink, whatever.”

“Can we play with the toy?” One of the boom guys muttered.

“You’re going to use some points for it but sure. No penetration with anything hard and large understand?” Tony said.

“Yes, sir Daddy T,” one of the cameras next to me said taking the camera away from his face a small smile on his lips.

“Ok we’ll be back in a little while,” he said.

By then my body had stopped pulsating. Everything slowing down, my breathing starting to regulate before I felt someone sit on the bed near me. I went to go curl into the fetal position not sure what else I could do to protect myself knowing that Eddie and Luke were counting on me to behave. Counting on me to keep them from getting hurt.

“It’s ok it’s me,” Teddy said, “I’m sorry, you know?”

I just nodded my head closing my eyes, ceasing my movement again. I knew it was far from over. That they were going to keep filming whatever they were planning. I just wanted to go to sleep. I didn’t want to be there anymore. My whole body screaming at me. Telling me it was enough. That it needed to stop.

“Turn the bitch over,” someone in the room shouted before I heard footsteps.

“I have him,” Teddy said.

“Turn him over. He should see this. Your Gramps would want him to see this. That way he understands,” A voice chided.

“Yeah come on, kid. You know how this goes,” one of them said, “You do it or we’ll tell your Gramps and you know what he’s like.”

“Come on Will,” Teddy said grabbing my shoulder, “Come on, you have to at least turn around.

I flipped myself over my stomach immediately feeling sick as I heard a whimper that made me open my eyes. Poor Eddie. One of them was performing oral sex on him while holding his cheeks apart the other one shoving his tongue in his ass as the other guys laughed and watched. 

“I don’t want to,” Eddie whimpered, “It feels funny. I don’t want to.”

“Shut up slut. You know you like it,” One of the guys watching laughed starting to jack himself off while he watched.

 

He was a little boy. He didn’t want it. He was begging them to stop me shaking my head wanting to close my eyes.

“Hey camera bitch, you want to know why this isn’t on the notch board?” Someone asked making me look at him.

“Billy can’t you just…”

“Hey, your gramps might be king around here but that doesn’t make you a prince slut so shut your cock holder before someone actually uses it,” the man apparently named Billy snapped.

“As I was saying camera bitch, it’s not on the notch board because it’s not a punishment. He might be too young to squirt jizz but he can still cum from it. I mean you can’t really cum from throat fucking and usually when you’re this little from anal fucking all you feel is pain. That’s why it’s not on the board,” Billy told me smiling as sobs ripped their way free of Eddie’s throat as he begged them to stop.

A lot of them muttering obscenities as they started to ejaculate over him, over his face and body as he cried. I had never seen that happen like that. Not really. For some reason, I remember it not phasing me though. Maybe because I was too tired or too numb but it didn’t bother me. Not even a little bit.

“Ok boys,” Tony said coming back into the room before I heard another door open somewhere, “Are you ready to continue?” he asked as he grabbed Eddie and put him back up against the wall under the notch board him shivering and crying quietly. 

While I had never been covered in cum like that I could easily feel his pain. Easy feel how sticky and gross his little body felt as he pulled his knees up to his chest. As he whimpered silently closing his eyes and rocking back and forth. And they had done that to him with me trying, trying so desperately to be good and do what I was told. It made me wonder how badly they would treat him, what else they would do along with the things listed on the notch board and what type of trauma that would inflict on him.  
“Are you ready Daddy J?” Tony asked causing me to look over to where the other door was. It was him. Josh. I didn’t know it was possible but he looked almost as big flaccid as he did erect. And he was about to…I felt like he was choking me on it just by it being in my view. My chest feeling tight knowing that begging wouldn’t help me any.

That Lionel was going to let the biggest dicks he had breed me. That’s what he had said pretty much. And Josh was…Daddy J was…one of the biggest he had. I shivered hugging myself as I heard his voice. I couldn’t look at them. He was going to hurt. I knew he was going to hurt.

“Oh, I’m ready whenever you guys are,” he said, “You want me to start soft or hard?”

“I want to see how well he does with slowest so we’re going to start you off soft,” Tony answered, “Now W I want you to kind of get up and then lean on the bed I want the camera to catch a good angle of that sweet used boy pussy ok? Can you do that?”

I didn’t know what he meant and my legs felt like jello like they always did. I wasn’t sure I could stand at all. Me sighing, not sure what I should say or do if there was anything I could say or do other than what he was telling me to.

“Little one, use your words if something is wrong otherwise he will give you a notch,” Lionel warned.

“Daddy T, my…my legs feel funny,” I said quietly trying to find a way to communicate how I was feeling. Why I hadn’t moved.

“Billy, can you please assists for just a minute?” Tony barked.

Billy sighed but put the camera back down on the table still rolling the little red light still blinking at me as he came over and grabbed me roughly by the arms helping me stand, “Now put your one leg up on the bed,” Billy told me helping me perform the action, “Ok Daddy T is…?”

“Have him move his right leg back just a little bit more, I want to see it gaping. That’s it right there. W if you need to you can lean forwards onto the bed a little bit almost like you’re doing a stretch…there you go. Right there, just like that. Now I want you to call Daddy J over. Just say come play with me Daddy J, ok?” Tony prompted me and I nodded my head.

“Now Billy if you could…yep just like that, make sure you can see it dripping out. Get nice and close,” Tony said as Billy picked the camera back up and then came up to me getting down on his knees so he was level with my backside, “ok, now.”

“Daddy J, do you want to come play with me?” I asked my voice shaking slightly.

“Don’t worry,” I heard Josh say as he grabbed my hips shoving one of his fingers inside of me making me tense, “I’ll play with you real nice. Fill your pussy with my cock. You want that baby?”

I wanted to vomit. That’s what I wanted but I nodded my head as he started kissing the back of my neck before he grabbed me roughly almost like he was trying to snap my neck forcing my mouth to his as we stood there. Most of my weight resting on the leg that was on the bed, my legs complaining because of the weird position I was standing in as he shoved his tongue in my mouth before grabbing my leg on the bed by the ankle lowering it to the ground and pushing me forward onto my stomach.

“Tell him to fill your pussy,” Tony prompted.

“Fill my pussy Daddy J,” I managed.

“Come on, kid. I shouldn’t have to prompt you every time,” Tony said sighing before he came up to us, Billy still standing beside the bed, “Ok this is how it goes. When you aren’t moaning I want you to say yes, I want you to do whatever the hell he just asked you ok? That’s the rule. If his mouth is around that sweet little cocklet I want you to run your hand through his hair and moan or say, “yes Daddy suck my boy fruit.” If his tongue is in your cunt you tell him to eat your pussy you understand?” Tony said looking at me his eyes cold.

“Yes, I understand Daddy T,” I said not able to look at him as I felt his hand squeeze my shoulder as if to praise me in some way before he walked away, “Ok guys pick it back up.”

“Turn around for me baby,” Josh muttered biting lightly at my shoulder, barely hard enough to leave a mark as he helped me flip myself over.

“I bet you feel this good everywhere don’t you baby?” Josh said looking at me, running his hand through my hair making my chest feel even tighter, making me want to scream or spit in his face but knowing I couldn’t. That Eddie would pay the price if I did. That they were going to just hurt him even more if I tried to fight back if I disobeyed.

“I…I don’t know,” I said the question shocking me. Almost making me forget about the cameras.

“I’m notching that just because it sounded stupid,” Tony said turning around and looking at the board, “Look at that you’re at 6 notches remember when you reach 10 he gets spanked. You don’t want to see Eddie get spanked, do you?”

“No daddy T,” I barely managed to mumble.

“Have you ever seen a porno?” Tony asked me.

I felt my face flush thinking about it. No, I never had. Not unless you counted the one Uncle Ben had made me watch. The one with John. John had just moaned and grunted as Da humped him, pushed in and out of him telling John that he felt good. That he was perfect. I shook my head.

“Well, I’m sure you know how what dirty talk is considering who your real Daddy is,” Tony said smiling, “Say what you think your Daddy would say,” Tony told me.

Great, I thought. Fucking great. It wasn’t enough that they wanted me to say I wanted it now I had to talk dirty too? I was going to suck at that. Poor Eddie was as good as dead.

“I bet you feel this good everywhere don’t you baby?” Josh said grabbing my chin lightly before he used it to turn my head to the side, biting into the side of my neck.

“Yes, Daddy J, I feel good everywhere,” I said quietly, his hands going to my legs as I allowed him to pull my legs open rather hard, “You want this monster baby? You want this monster to make you cum?”

“Yes, Daddy J I want your…cock to make me cum,” I said as I felt it.

He was too big. Way too big. Even his tip felt too big somehow. I had to fight the urge to kick out, to try and kick him away as I closed my lips to keep myself from whining, from screaming as he started pushing in.

“Oh, fuck your pussy is so tight baby. So fucking tight,” he moaned as he pushed in until I started feeling this sharp pain that made me scream.

I somehow managed to keep it wordless but it felt like…It felt bad. It really hurt. The only thing I could do was try to breathe at that point. Because I couldn’t think over the pain, over the…the thrusting as he raped me. As he pushed in and out of me swearing at me, asking me if I wanted him to fill my pussy the only I could do to reply nodding my head and lock my jaw because if I opened my mouth I was going to scream. It hurt.

“Do you need us to switch gears Lionel or do you want to try a notch?” I heard Tony ask.

“Switch gears. I don’t think we’re going to get anything else out of him. Daddy J, don’t mess him up too bad. Nothing that will bruise on the face ok?” Lionel said lazily.

“All right,” Josh said smiling at me, “You want to get me the cuffs and a toy?”

“We’re going to peg him after you’re done for another short break so no toys, just you all natural,” Lionel answered.

“Got it,” Josh said before he smacked me hard enough across the face to shock me.

“What are…?” I started to ask before Tony told everyone to stop.

“You’re done with the whipping boy,” Tony said, “Now we want you to scream. Beg him to stop and you better put everything you have into it. You got it?”

I nodded my head feeling the tears making my eyes sting. Them finally giving me permission allowing me to cry again. To scream. I pushed at Josh’s chest trying to get him off me. Trying to make him stop.

“STOP!” I begged him, “IT HURTS STOP! STOP! JUST STOP!!! NO! STOP!”

He slammed into me so hard it felt like he had thrust all the way up into my throat making me go silent, making this feeling travel up my body. I’m not sure how long I was awake after that but…I don’t remember him finishing. Only Lionel rubbing my back slowly gently after a while telling me I was ok before I felt something solid and cold being shoved into my body that made me moan deeply.

“There you are my little one,” Lionel whispered kissing my shoulder as he continued to rub my back, “We’re almost done. One more to go. You could improve but for your first movie, you’re doing extremely well my little one. I bet you’re tired. Aren’t you?”

All I could do was nod my head. I wasn’t sure I had the energy to even form words, it felt impossible to catch my breath. Almost impossible to move without pain shooting up my spine.

“Now you won’t ever cheat on me again, will you?” Lionel asked me to which I barely managed to nod my head, “Use your words little one, my sweet special little one.”

“Yes…da…daddy L,” I barely managed.

It felt like I had been slapped all over my body, my jaw ached, my back felt…like I had somehow managed to skin it almost like a skinned knee. Not to mention how much my legs hurt and how badly my whole body was screaming at me. I was barely conscious. I knew it. Everything at the edge of my vision was fuzzy and I felt like…there was something wrong. I wasn’t sure what but I knew it was wrong. It felt like I was being stabbed in the gut still instead of the dull aching cramps that usually started up after they were done before I realized there was something…something in me.

“What…?” I said before I just felt light…like that feeling before you start drifting off to sleep because you’re so exhausted.

I was jostled awake again by another slight tap to the face, “Nahahah little one. It’s not time yet. You’re almost done I said. You can rest when you’re finished. Should I do something to wake you up?” he asked me his hand going between my legs that were still slightly parted grabbing me causing me to gasp. It hurt, everything hurt.

“Daddy L, please,” I barely managed to murmur my eyes fighting to say open. I couldn’t…my body it was so sore. Everything was so sore me hissing as I felt his finger. Wanting to scream but finding I couldn’t for some reason. My whole body just wanting to give up.

I thought I had wanted Vic to kill me before. When it was just Uncle Ben before we had left for Montana. I had been wrong. I wanted to die now. I knew what it was like to want to die now. My eyes jerking back open as his finger tapped something making it move inside me, making me hiss in pain.

“It’ll be ok,” Lionel said, “Are you ready?”

He asked that just as the door opened, Sergei coming in. It was the first time I had seen him naked his body covered in scars. From burn marks and bite marks, from cuts and scratches. It looked like someone might have even whipped him. As my eyes traveled down his body I understood why people were afraid of him. He was probably as long as Josh, his penis but wider. Impossibly wide.

I remember being too tired to scream as he pulled on my arm forcing me to lay on my stomach before I felt that burn, that tight burn as he…him muttering something I didn’t understand.

“Don’t force it,” I heard Lionel say, “I don’t want him ripped. Josh shouldn’t have even bottomed out. So, don’t push it too hard. I’ll start peg training him when we’re finished.”

“Right,” Sergei agreed, “He is so…”

“Tight? Delicious? He really is, isn’t it? Everyone always says I know how to pick them though…” I heard Lionel reply.

I don’t know why but I don’t remember much after that but the pain. I remember the feeling of floating until there was a sharp yet blunt pain inside of me all at once. And then…it was like I was watching it happen to someone else. Like I couldn’t feel it anymore. Not that if I had it would have mattered because everything hurt. Probably worse then what Uncle Ben, Da, and Lionel had done weeks ago.

The next thing I remember that doesn’t seem like a dream was a light smack to the face, Lionel, Lionel smacking my face before he kissed the same spot he had just smacked causing me to look around.

“You hardly even screamed little one. Are you learning already?” He asked me before his mouth moved to my neck nibbling and sucking for a second before he stopped, “I’ll clean you up and then get you all ready for bed would you like that little one? A nice quiet night snuggled up with someone? I don’t know why he’s mad at you but I am glad he entrusted me with you. I would hope that he wouldn’t entrust anyone else with something so precious, so special.”

He kissed the center of my chest. I remember wondering why. Usually when he did that immediately connected what he was planning on doing but that time I just remember my brain wondering why he was doing that when he said he was going to clean me up and then we were going to bed. Or at least I was going to bed.

I don’t know why it surprised me so badly when I felt his mouth go there other than my whole body felt so horrible. Besides the pain, I could feel the mess dripping down my legs. Feel how raw the inside of my body felt and how tender other parts me of felt making me wonder what…as I thought back. Thought back to watching them, the last thing they had done before everyone left was Sergei touching me, using his mouth as everyone else had masturbated over me, that being the reason why my body felt crunchy and dry in some places because I was literally covered in cum from head to toe. 

I don’t know where I found the energy but I ended up screaming, sobbing, every flick of his tongue making me feel like…so worthless there isn’t a word to describe it as he “cleaned” me. His tongue running over every inch of my skin. He kept going until I was silent again my whole-body shuddering with each bit of contact before he rolled me over so I was laying on my stomach.

I spread my legs figuring that’s what he wanted. That it was his plan. To do that again. instead, he sighed at the gesture before resting his head on my cheek rubbing my hips bones gently. If I had liked him I could imagine that feeling nice but, it was him. It wasn’t someone else. The contact with my skin making me wish I could scream again. Making me wish that there was something I could do to get him to stop. That I could tell him I was done being touched, done being used and then I could…just disappear but that wasn’t an option I had. 

The only option I had was to close my eyes and pray that he was done. That he stopped whatever he was doing. That he was satisfied and that he’d…he’d let me go home. The idea hitting me like a wave, drenching me in the idea that I was no longer wanted there. That like he had pointed out himself da had “entrusted” him with me. That I was his. Truly his. I wasn’t going home. I might not go home ever again.

The idea took all…all the will I had left away. Me residing myself to being locked in a room. A room with him so… there was a knock on the door making me jump making my whole body shake harder. They had to be done. Please god, let them be done or just let them kill me and finish it because I couldn’t do it again. Not again.

“Boss, you’re done dah?” I heard his voice.

“Yes, why don’t we take him upstairs. It’s late we’ll let him bathe and put him to bed. He’s probably exhausted aren’t you little one?” Lionel asked me.

I didn’t even bother to answer. It wasn’t like I mattered anyway. It wasn’t like he really cared at all. My whole body continuing to shiver and shake as Sergei carried me to their wing a bath already drawn for me that Sergei set me down in before leaving Lionel coming in after him and shutting the door before grabbing a washcloth out of a towel cupboard.

The last thing I wanted was for him to touch me again. For anyone to touch me but I had no choice. My Da didn’t want me anymore. My mum and my brother weren’t around to beg or plead for me so it was just me. I didn’t have anyone else and …if he got mad again or if he was still mad…I shivered closing my eyes as he kissed my shoulder gently, not licking or sucking but just leaving a simple peck on my right shoulder even a simple gesture like that making my skin crawl.

“It’s ok little one. You did extremely well and took your punishment with dignity. I think all has been forgiven,” he muttered as he put the cloth against my back starting to wash me, “I’m surprised you didn’t tear but I didn’t taste any blood past the normal hint so that’s preferred.”

The thought made my stomach want to rebel. That he had…me feeling my face heat up as he touched the back of my neck lightly making a small sound of amusement, “When you blush even your neck flushes. Did you know that?”

I nodded my head slightly in response. My body was so tired and sore I almost couldn’t stay awake my brain fighting to stay conscious because I didn’t want to fall asleep near him, with him in the room where he could touch me like that and I wouldn’t know what was happening.

“Are you drifting off my special boy?” Lionel asked me before kissing the back of my shoulder again.

“I’m sorry...,” I barely managed him giving a small laugh in reply.

“It’s ok my little one,” he murmured, “I know you’re tired. You did so well though. We’ll start pegging you soon. It should help. That way…well, never mind that right now. Are you ok little one?” he asked me suddenly.

I nodded my head before I realized he was probably going to say what he always said, “I’m just tired Daddy L,” I mumbled.

“Ah, I understand. That was a lot of playing. Like I said though you did very well. As soon as we’re done bathing we can go to bed ok?” Lionel told me before he stood up sighing taking his robe off, “Scoot forward just a tiny bit.”

I sighed I knew better than to try and fight him so I did as I was told my whole-body stinging and aching as I did so. He climbed into the tub behind me and wrapping his legs around me before he picked the washcloth back up bring it against my chest and starting to clean there.

“You realize I do love you, right? That I was just jealous,” he asked me.

“I know Daddy L,” I told him as he started kissing my ears and the back of my neck.

Please god no. No, I was done. I couldn’t do it anymore. Why couldn’t he just…

“Daddy. I’m so sorry, please. Please don’t hurt me again, I’m sorry. I’ll never do it again I swear just don’t hurt me ….”

He grabbed my neck making me immediately fall silent before started petting my collarbone, “There’s no need to beg little one. Unless you cheat on me again there isn’t any need for that to happen again. Without preparation. Next time we’ll make sure you are ready to engage in such heavy play ok?”

That’s all he thought it was, was playing? I hadn’t wanted Josh too, or Sergei or…he still he thought it was a game? That I wanted to have sex with him? How could he even think that? And how could he consider what had happened which he knew little to nothing about as cheating? The whole thing making me go silent and nod my head. I wasn’t sure if there was anything to say until I felt him start massaging my shoulders.

“Use your words little one,” he murmured into the nape of my neck.

“Yes, Daddy L,” I said, “I understand.”

“Good, always my perfect little one huh?” he said kissing my cheek, “Do you feel clean? I don’t know about you but I’m going to rinse off in the shower and then I think it’s time to rest. What about you?”

“I think so too Daddy L,” I said as I felt his weight shift as he unwrapped his legs from around me and stood up climbing out of the tub.

I sighed in as close to what I would call relief at the time. Since I had walked through that front door my body had felt like it was shaking all over even if no one else could see it. My muscles tense because I just wanted to go home. A part of me almost wanted to prove to Da that it wasn’t me. That I wasn’t the one who had made John do that, made John try to kill himself.

I wanted to be able to beg him for forgiveness. To swear to him that I didn’t tell John about Lionel, that I hadn’t told him about anything. I wanted him to believe me and instead, he had…he had given me away so that any hope I ever had of seeing my mum again, of seeing John come home and seeing my brothers and sisters and keeping them safe, it was gone.

I mean he had thrown me at Uncle Ben and told him to get rid of me. To …it sure seemed like he wanted me gone and he didn’t want me to come back. Not ever.

I made sure I washed myself off while Lionel was in the shower and by the time he was done I was finished. However, I felt…scared. Wondering what would make him angry enough to make him do that to me again.

The only way I ever felt I would manage to be clean again would be to drink a bunch of cleaning products me understanding Cole’s first method of attempted suicide that much better than I ever thought I would. He had probably just been trying to feel clean again. Especially if Lionel had ever made him do that. I knew there was a lot of things Cole hadn’t told me about his time with Lionel and I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to hear about them.

What he had told me about my future was already horrific enough. I didn’t need to know what else might lay ahead and nothing Cole had told me had really prepaid me for what I had just gone through. Not really. I mean it’s one thing hearing someone warn you about something and another thing experience it first hand and Sergei was something I never wanted to experience again.

It had honestly felt like the one guy pushing on my stomach when Josh was inside of me the whole time. A hard, sharp stabbing pain traveling up and down my stomach and intestines. It wasn’t pleasant and it had taken a lot of energy out of my body. However, I was pretty sure Lionel realized that and it was the only reason Lionel hadn’t complained when I screamed.

“Are you done little one?” Lionel asked causing me to nod my head as he pulled the bath stopper allowing the water to drain from around my body Lionel helping me up onto my feet that slid under me as he caught my weight, “You’re legs still feel weak? That’s ok Little one I’ve got you. Daddy’s got you. I’ll keep you safe,” he told me as he sniffed my head deeply picking me up as I dripped dry before taking me out into his bedroom since we had been in the master bathroom and not the other one that Teddy and Luke shared.

He laid me down on the bed and it felt…my body immediately wanted to give up. To lose consciousness. My body was just that tired it was hard for my brain to fight Lionel lying down on the bed next to me running his fingers through my hair, “We’re almost done little one. One last thing. If you want to just keep your eyes closed. This is going to be uncomfortable but in the long run, it will be for the best.”

That’s when I felt it him pushing something up against my abused hole before he slid it in easily. Before he gently rolled me over so I was laying on my stomach, my body feeling too weak to really move anymore.

“What is it Daddy L?” I mumbled.

“Don’t worry about that my little one,” Lionel said as he got up and turned off the lights before climbing into bed beside me, “Just rest. You need it. Good night my little one. I love you.”

I said the words because I knew what he was like when he was angry now. I knew what he would do, what he might have done to Eddie because he was angry with me and I didn’t want to anger him. Angering him was the last thing I ever wanted to do so I said the words, “I love you too Daddy L.” being the last thing I said that night before the unconsciousness I had been fighting finally claimed me.


	48. Chapter 48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will has a hard time reestablishing his reality after his very traumatic gang rape. He meets and talks to some throwaways learning even more about the brotherhood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1235 to 1259 Lots of warnings here for mental health issues, **Warnings: Talking of human trafficking, rape, forced anal stretching, mental health issues, anxiety, social anxiety, self-injury, kidnapping, talk of forced incest, talk of suicide attempt, dissociation**. Yes, this chapter is mostly focused on Will and his experience at the Villa pretty much outside of Lionel and what he learns while he's there. **John pt 2 chapter 11**

I was startled awake by a hand on my shoulder I jerked only to find my body complaining at even that small movement causing me to whimper.

“Will it’s me,” I heard a familiar voice that caused me to open my eyes.

Teddy was standing there wearing a red robe. His hands clutching at the neckline, holding it closed. His eyes looked worried and worn out, concerned. I wondered why thinking there was no point in being worried about me. That I was so worthless my own Da had thrown me away. Given me to Lionel. The only thing he could have done to make it more final would have been taking my clothes away and wrapping a red bow around my genitals.

“Will, talk to me, please? Will I’m sorry, ok? I didn’t…when he gets mad it’s bad, ok? It’s really bad. You have to forgive me. Please just tell me you forgive me,” Teddy pleaded.

I felt so tired. It wasn’t that I didn’t forgive him. I don’t remember blaming him for it at all but I was so tired. My whole body aching so bad I almost thought I would pass out.

“Will please, talk to me. Tell me what you need,” Teddy said his voice sounding panicked.

“I’m ok,” I lied, “Just tired. I don’t blame you.”

“Are you sore?” he asked me as I nodded my head.

“Listen I know Papa is a lot to handle ok? Are you su…”

“I’m fine!” I snapped cringing as I moved with the words. As I realized there was something inside me.

“Yeah, you might not want to make any sudden movements. Pegging does that. It feels weird because it’s so…solid. So just try and be as still as possible. He’ll let you not use it in a day or two,” Teddy explained to me.

“What is it?” I asked afraid of the answer he was going to give me.

“You know how I told you Papa peg trained me? It’s a peg. Basically, it’s a dildo, a pretty big one. He’ll leave it in you for a couple of days and then switch it for a bigger size because the longer it’s in the more your muscles relax so he can fit a bigger one. It hurts though, like a lot,” Teddy told me.

“Does it always feel like this?” I asked him.

“You mean like you’re about to shit yourself because it feels like you have a dick in your ass?” Teddy asked me, “Yeah, pretty much.”

“I’m so tired,” I said, “Can you just let me sleep?”

“Will, I know you’re tired, ok? I know that, but why don’t you just come out an…”

“I’M NOT HUNGRY! GO AWAY AND LET ME SLEEP!” I snapped at him.

I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to do anything. I wouldn’t have minded dying but the last thing I wanted to do was eat especially with all the pressure I was feeling on my insides that made even the smallest movement painful. The pressure made me want to whimper and cry. I refused to cry in front of them though. Not when I was alone in a place where no one cared. Where I would spend the rest of my life.

I wondered what would happen once Lionel finally got tired of me. Teddy not saying another word, just leaving. Shutting the door quietly behind him.

I did spend most of that day sleeping thank god. I don’t know if I would have survived the day otherwise. The pain was too great, the discomfort too much. I just wanted to escape from my body, my cage made of flesh. Sleep allowed me to do that.

To leave and go other places, the winter we had spent in that damned castle in Ireland the snow falling in big fat flakes as John and I made snow angels and laughed while mum had chased James and Mike and Matt around in the snow. My brain blinking to the very last couple of snow falls in Montana, Beau mostly chasing Cat around in it with Josh and Heather. Beau throwing snowballs at me. Reminding me of the point where I started caring for him even though I wasn’t 100% sure what his intentions were. The snow only happening once or twice before the weather started turning warm.

I don’t know what woke me up, probably the door shutting quietly but I was still so deep in my dream I could smell the snow. That cold sweet smell that permeates the air right after a night long snowfall. The smell of winter that has a promise of life to it. A promise that the snow will thaw, that the cold will recede and that once again things will grow. Come back to life, return from the deep sleep of a planet frozen over. A planet half-dead.

I felt the weight of the bed shift beside me. A little moan escaped from my mouth before I could stop myself as I started to wake up, as I felt his hand on my chest.

“It’s ok little one. It’s just me,” I heard him say as he started rubbing my collarbone before he kissed my cheek, “spread your legs I want to check it. Then we’ll see about giving you some time without it.”

“Daddy L it hurts. Everything hurts,” I moaned as he frowned at me before kissing my forehead.

“I’m going to assume everything is sore but does your throat feel scratchy?” he asked me.

I knew injury could lower your immune system. He said I wasn’t hurt that bad though. However, it would explain why he was asking. I started trying to feel my body, focus on it. No, my throat didn’t feel scratchy but I did have a headache and it felt like it was everywhere.

“No, I just want to sleep though. I have a headache,” I told him.

“You feel like you might be a little warm. I’ll send doctor Palmer in to check on you shortly however, I want to check your peg so spread your legs,” he said pulling back the blankets that were covering me as I spread my legs.

I felt naked and dirty. Like a whore. Like I was what they had made me into. My whole-body shivering as he checked it. Fucking me with it slowly making me groan, “Hold on little one I’m almost done, I’m just checking it. I know it can be uncomfortable so we’re not worrying about food today. Today is just about relaxing. Tomorrow though I want you to eat three square meals ok, my little one?”

I didn’t know what to say or do so I just nodded my head. He must have taken pity on me because he didn’t tell me to use my words. Instead, he just pulled the covers back up over my body before kissing my cheek again, “I’ll send doctor Palmer in a little while. For now, you just rest.”

He didn’t wait for me to reply instead simply leaving the room. I don’t know how long I stayed perfectly still holding my breath waiting to feel safe but the door opened a couple minutes later Teddy coming back into the room holding out a mug that had steam rising from it.

“We had a nanny that used to make us cookies and hot chocolate when we were little after…,” Teddy trailed off swallowing, “I thought you might like some hot chocolate. Is it ok if I sit?”

“Teddy, I’m sorry. I’m just…”

“Do you hate me?” Teddy asked his eyes starting to get wet.

“What?” I asked feeling my face contort slightly as I tried to understand what he was saying as my brain took in the words, “No, Teddy, no. I don’t hate you at all. How could I hate you? It’s not like you held me down while…” I trailed off.

“I touched you though, he made me…,” Teddy went quiet and I shrugged my shoulders hissing as my head felt like it was swaying even though I had barely moved, “Are you sick?”

“He said I felt warm,” I answered, “My body hurts all over.”

“You could be getting really sick. Like seriously ill. I’ve seen it happen before to someone after a gang bang. Especially if you aren’t used to it and they do something to mess up your insides. Is there any sharp stabbing pain or is it all a dull throbbing?” Teddy asked me.

“Dull and throbbing,” I answered.

“Ok good. That’s good. That means they didn’t puncture anything. That your body is just healing. Sometimes that can make you feel sick. Did he say how the peg looked?” Teddy asked me quietly his cheeks turning pink as he asked.

“No…I wish it didn’t hurt like…,” I said feeling extremely tired.

“I know,” Teddy said before sighing deeply, “He’s gone to his office for a while. I can sit with you if you want. Luke is …but yeah, I kind of don’t feel like being alone so is it ok if I stay here with you?”

All I could do was nod my head. My Body felt too heavy, too tired to move. My brain too tired to answer. I don’t remember Vic coming in but Teddy said that he gave me a shot. That my body was experiencing so much pain my brain just simply doesn’t remember what happened. Not for a couple of days. The shock simply just overwhelming my system.

The next thing I remember it was a day or two later maybe and I was sitting on the sofa Luke curled up under my arm. I remember it feeling weird. Just the feeling that everything was off. I blinked at him and he looked at me and smiled.

“Are you back again? You keep going away. Teddy says it’s ok that it happens. My friend Josh does it too sometimes.”

I blinked at him trying to remember how I had gotten there when…what had happened that I was sitting there with him.

“Who is Josh?” I asked him.

“He’s my friend. Papa says he’s not my friend but he is. When Sergei doesn’t want to watch me and Papa isn’t here he takes me to the fun room and Josh reads to me and stuff. We even play ninja turtles sometimes. He’s really fun,” Luke told me.

“The fun room?” I asked him.

“Yeah, it’s on the other side of the villa where all the boys live. Papa says they aren’t real boys but they seem real to me. I’m not supposed to go there because I’m a real boy but I like playing with them. Sergei lets me play with them.” 

“Where is he?” I asked him.

“Who? Papa?” Luke asked me.

It struck me as odd how casually he was talking about the boys who live on the other side of the villa. Saying that they weren’t real boys or at least that’s what he had been told. Even though he was sure they were real. How none of it seemed to bother him as I remembered something Teddy had told me. Something about Luke.

“Luke?” I asked…

“Are you ok, Will?” he asked his weight shifting.

“Did they…?”

“Huh,” Luke answered standing up and coming to stand in front of me, “Josh yelled at Frankie once. Josh said he was away and that it never helped when people told him what happened while he was away that it always made it worse. So, I’m not going to tell you because Teddy said that if that’s how Josh felt that’s probably how you would feel and if I want you to be my friend when you came back that I should be nice. That I shouldn’t…so I’m not going to ok?”

I had to slam my hand over my mouth.

“OH no, don’t cry, don’t cry. You’re ok. If it had been really bad Josh told me it always brings him back. So, it couldn’t have been that bad. He was probably just playing with you. Playing doesn’t always hurt badly. So, you’re ok. You have to be ok,” 

I wanted to be done. I didn’t even understand how I could…not remember. Just simply not …me wondering how long I had even been there. For all I knew it had been a week or longer. I hadn’t heard anything from anyone. Not that I was aware of. So, he really had given me to him. I was really his. I really belonged to Lionel now. I was…

The door to the wing or floor or whatever the fuck you want to call it opened Teddy there his eyes going wide as he looked at me before he came over, “Come here…it’s ok Will,” he said as I let him embrace me, “It’s ok. You’re ok.”

“I don’t…” I started trying to explain myself.

“Dr. Palmer calls it disassociation. It just means that your brain, your…what makes you a person got really tired so you checked out for a little while. Sort of like the lights are on but there’s no one home. It happens to some people. You’re ok though, I promise. Luke did you…?”

“I want him to be my friend. You said not to if I wanted him to be my friend because that’s not nice,” Luke said to him repeating what he had just told me.

“You’re ok Will. I promise. If anything, serious had happened I would let you know, ok? It’s ok.”

“Why is he crying like that?” Luke asked.

“Luke, we talked about this, remember? How when someone feels bad sometimes their head goes funny and they go away for a while. It’s scary. It’s scary when they come back. He just came back so he’s scared. Why don’t you go play?”

“Can I go to th…”

“No! I know he’s not here but I need you to be good for a couple of minutes, ok? Go to our room and go play,” Teddy said sounding the most mature I had ever heard him sound in his life. At that moment, I concluded that I probably had more in common with Teddy than I had ever realized, “You’re ok. You’re not alone. I’m right here.”

He made me sit with him on the couch holding me like someone would hold a child. I didn’t know what else to do. I felt so out of it. So, panicked as I concluded I was really his. That I wasn’t ever going home again. That…everything felt so wrong. So incredibly wrong and I couldn’t remember how I got to the couch or…

“It’s ok to be scared. It’s not easy, ok? I’ve never had it happen, like things not feeling real like that before but I figured that was what was happening. That’s why I told Luke. You’re not mad I said anything to him, are you?” Teddy asked me.

I shook my head. I honestly didn’t really remember a lot of stuff. I didn’t remember anything after…after Teddy had asked me if he could sit with me even though I was tired and my head hurt, I had felt dizzy and light headed but still managed to have a headache.

“What happened?” I finally managed to ask.

“Well, what’s the last thing you remember?” Teddy asked me.

“You asked to sit with me. I told you I was tired and that everything hurt and I…everything before.”

I remember feeling so small in his arms. He was barely older than I was and yet I felt so small so… him sighing.

“Are you really sure you want to know?” Teddy asked me.

“He raped me, again didn’t he?” I barely managed to ask.

“Well,” Teddy said, “That was two days ago. I sat with you and Dr. Palmer came in. He…he asked me to leave and by then we had been talking for a little while and I think you were starting to feel better. So, you asked him if I could stay but he wanted me to turn around so I did. I don’t know what he did but you started begging him not to and then he told me to turn back around. He was messing with your peg. And that can hurt a lot. He asked me, I don’t know why but he asked me if I thought he should give you something. Because you were so panicked. Like I have never really…I said yes. He waited until you were passed out and then finished.

There was a little bit of blood but it wasn’t too bad. I stayed with you until Papa got back. He made me leave. I don’t know if he…I couldn’t tell you that but you spent the night with him. When he woke up you woke up. He gave you your robe. We ate breakfast together and you kind of just seemed…like you weren’t there. I told Luke, tried to explain to Luke why you weren’t really ok. That he just needed to be nice.

Like when I asked you something you’d say yes or no but it sounded, mon0tone. Like I asked you if you were ok and you didn’t even give me your normal I’m fine. Which I can tell when you’re not fine, you know?” He asked me before clearing his throat, “Papa went to work then. In his office downstairs. You went to your room. Your room here. I think papa might have reminded you it was there so you could be alone when you needed to. You came out after a while when Sergei brought us pizza hut. You ate a little bit but when I asked you if you wanted to hang out again you just told me you were tired and went back to your room.

Luke woke me up in the middle of the night because he said the ghosts were back and they were loud. You were …anyway. You’ve kind of been mostly quiet since. I was just… I made Luke watch movies with you because it can be…I once saw a throwaway almost cut his own arm off by punching a mirror and then taking the shards to his…it was at a party but one of the older guys said he had been waiting for it. That he’d been checked out for days. That was 2 years ago. But, after watching you these past couple of days it made sense. When you…just the way you…it’s hard to explain. But I knew so I wanted to make sure you weren’t alone.”

“Why do you care?” I asked quietly.

“Because I like to think you’re my friend,” Teddy said, “You’ve hurt yourself before.”

“How would you know?” I asked him.

“Your stomach, your arm,” Teddy told me, “I know what cutting looks like. Papa doesn’t like it when we hang out with the throwaways because we’re supposed to be better than that but Sergei has so many things he must do. So sometimes depending on what it’s like that day he’ll put us downstairs in the hang out room. I mean they’re all covered in scars anyway but this one guy he used to just sit there with it was a piece of metal he sharpened I think. And he’d just sit in the corner and he’d do it until he was bleeding all over. He did that two or three times until I can’t remember if it was Sasha or whoever but they told Papa. After that, they took him away and I didn’t ever see him again. I know what it looks like when you do it to yourself compared to when they do it. You shouldn’t do it. But, I didn’t…so I had Luke sit with you.”

“Where were you?” I asked him.

“Downstairs,” Teddy said, “I’m ok though. It gets easier, I think. When you finally get used to it. Some of them aren’t even that bad really. Like Gabe. He’s only a recruit so I don’t have to see him that often but he can be nice. He likes to go outside sometimes and it’s …it’s a little weird but he doesn’t hurt. And he doesn’t…”

“You mean that thing you told me about?” I asked him quietly.

“That I told you about?” Teddy questioned.

“At the party. How you had never…how you hadn’t really been downstairs. I thought they didn’t have parties that often though,” I told him.

“Oh, it’s not a party. It’s rotations. It’s where you come like if you’re a 5 or a 4 it’s only like 5 or 10 hours a month usually. They only really start making you when you’re 13 but because I’m here anyway…they usually pay when they come in. If they want specific things they pay more. And then you just…” Teddy shrugged his shoulders like he didn’t want to talk about it. 

“No, wait. I remember it wasn’t you. It was that Tracker,” I said.

“Which tracker?” Teddy asked me.

“Brian,” I answered.

“He’s almost a recruit like Gabe. If they work in the prep room and stuff they get tokens. After they get a certain amount they can…Brian works in the prep room a lot because he wants to be able to…I don’t know who but he wants to rent someone. If you save up enough you can have whatever boy you want to be pulled out of the rotation and take him home. Just for a little while but the more tokens, you have the longer you can keep him. Boys at higher levels cost more. So, he would need more tokens.”

“Does Gabe have them?” I asked him.

“No, he pays money,” Teddy said not able to look at me.

“Teddy, you don’t have to be upset. It’s not like you want to,” I told him quietly.

“It’s just…you know how…how everyone just…” Teddy said whipping at his eyes, “Everyone called you harem boy? That’s what I am. And there’s…”

“No, you’re not Ted,” I said shaking my head, “he didn’t mak…”

“He did though. Remember? And he has. I didn’t think it could be worse. But it is. It’s so much worse. I can’t though. I can’t…”

“Teddy?” I asked him, frowning.

It was my turn to worry. He didn’t usually act like that. The worst thing I had ever heard him call himself before that was an asshole and a spazz just like everyone else but never that. It made me wonder how bad things had gotten for everyone else while we had been gone too.

“I want to but I can’t. He checks me. Before he sends me downstairs he always…” Teddy shook his head, “he says it’s because people don’t like beat up boys. Not if they’re paying as much money as they are paying to…”

“Come here,” I said realizing it was my turn to hold him. To tell him it was ok, “I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m ok. I just…” he said a couple tears streaming down his face, “I’d rather be the spaz and the asshole then have everyone know…that I. I don’t even know how I’m going to be able to face them. Julian still hates me. He’d probably say that I…”

“He did I’d punch his face in,” I told him, “Todd would probably punch his face in and from what I remember Todd has been his best friend for forever.”

“Not anymore,” Teddy told me, “Spencer, I don’t know if you know him really but he hangs out with Danny and bunch of the older guys he’s a year ahead of us. He and Todd got into some type of disagreement at lunch probably shortly after you left and he called Todd a cum dumpster. In front of everyone. Julian didn’t do anything but laugh. Todd apparently asked him why later and Julian told him it was because he was a four. That life wasn’t that hard for him and he should do what he did about everything else bend over and take it. I don’t think they’ve really spoken since.”

“Julian said that to Todd?” I asked shocked.

Even after Julian had told us he thought all gay people were disgusting and didn’t understand how anyone could want to ever have sex with another guy especially after everything they made us do at parties and whatnot he hadn’t ever been mean to Todd. Even when he had decided to stay with us instead of following Julian when he had stormed out. 

Todd seemed decent. Like he would never be mean to anyone. I didn’t know him well but I knew him well enough to know he cared. That he cared about his brother and sister that he even cared about the foster his Dad had taken in.   
How he had almost cried when he talked about how that little baby cried when his dad was alone with him. How he was sure his dad was touching him, touching a one-year-old and how there was nothing he could really do about it. He hadn’t acted like he was even angry with Julian for saying he hated gay people but had more tried to explain why he felt that way. And he had done it in such a way it didn’t feel like he was excusing what Julian had said only trying it explain Julian’s view.

“Yeah,” Teddy said, “He’s doing ok about it. I mean I think it really hurt his feelings. He hasn’t really talked about Julian all summer so…”

“You’ve seen him?” I asked him.

“Yeah, he turned 13 around may. Like I said depending on your rank it’s 5 to 10 hours a month that you have to put in. I only have to put in 5. That just means I have reservations I have to meet instead of just serving anyone who walks in off the street. Todd puts in 7. He’s here but he’s…”

“Busy?” I asked him and Teddy nodded his head, “I’ll tell him you asked about him. Asked if he was ok. I haven’t really told anyone you’re back yet because I wasn’t sure if…”

“You can tell them. I’m probably not going home anyway. Probably won’t be in school this year so might be a little less of a shock when they see me here if they actually know I’m around again,” I told him.

“You think he’s keeping you forever?” Teddy asked me frowning.

“If he’s not where would I go?” I asked him.

“Look,” Teddy told me, “My mom came by for dinner yesterday. I know you don’t remember but she did talk about your Dad. She talked to him and he’s just upset. However, she said she “corrected” him whatever that means and to just give him a couple of days. Then you’ll probably be going home. I know you don’t remember any of that but that’s what she said.”

“He thinks I told John. About…this,” I said quietly, “I didn’t. I was going to but I…I never got the chance. I was supposed to but they came and took us away, brought us back.”

“I’m sorry,” Teddy told me, “Were you happy? When you were gone I mean.”

I nodded my head. If I closed my eyes I could feel the sun and smell the dust filled valleys. I could see his face. His military haircut.

“Come here,” Teddy said switching positions with me again, “That has to hurt. Knowing what it was like to be almost normal then him…don’t ever forgive them for taking that away ok? Not ever. I wish I could know what that felt like. Almost being normal.”  
“Weird,” I told him, “It was weird. Almost like watching an awesome movie. It wasn’t real. I knew from the beginning that it wouldn’t be real. That it wouldn’t last that everything that happened would only be for a little while. Because…because he wanted me. I knew he wanted me back. He…”

“I know,” Teddy said, “He always makes sure you know. That for whatever reason you belong to him. That he’s not going to do stuff like that to anyone else. Not in the same way. He …there are certain things he does with everyone but that one thing. He’ll only do that if you’re his. You know what I’m talking about, right?”

Yeah, he didn’t have to say it. It made you feel disgusting even though he was the one who…it made you feel dirty though because it was your body. Your ass he was doing that to. Moaning into with his mouth while he…

“No, no, just breathe,” Teddy told me causing me to realize I was wheezing, gasping. I wanted to go home. I knew I was going to be going home at that point but everything just felt so…it hurt. Me knowing I couldn’t tell John. Not ever. That the last thing I had needed to share with him to ever be free, to feel like he truly knew me again I could never tell him. 

“How am I going to do this Teddy? He tried to kill himself,” I asked quietly.

“Yeah, mom told me about that too. She said, never mind. Just be there for him when he comes home, ok? I’ve never been to the hospital. They always put in a safe room but…I’ve heard not great things about it.”

“Pat told me about it, and Cole. They said they do bad things there,” I told him.

“Well it’s not usually group stuff but you know Josh’s little problem or more big problem,” Teddy said the joke causing me to give him a small smile, “Yeah it’s…one of them and Josh have that in common and well I’m sure you managed to block out a lot of stuff that happened but I don’t think anyone could block out that. I still internally hiss in pain every time I think about it.”

“Hank has a similar problem. And Sergei,” I muttered.

“Hank is more…wide load but not too bad honestly. As long as you aren’t under 9 usually he’s easy to handle even though it looks…he looks a lot bigger than he feels. I’ll put it that way. Sergei isn’t even…where Josh and the guy I was talking about have a good size that’s hard to handle, Sergei is impossible. I remember seeing Josh make videos with people his own age that it always hurt them they always complained but after they relaxed they were usually ok. Sergei whenever I’ve seen him in anything…he… no one ever bottoms out. Ever. I watched him try once, well not try he did it, and it wasn’t pretty. I’ve never had to deal with that but I personally imagine it no…”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said cutting him off.

“Ok,” Teddy said nodding his head, “I understand. You know he didn’t, right?’

“Bottom out? Go balls deep whatever the fuck you want to call it?” I groaned.

“Yeah,” Teddy said.

“Yeah, I know. I know what it feels like. What the difference is. I can still remember the first time my Da bottomed out. It’s a different sensation.”

“That almost always hurts as much as the first time. The first time one of them…” Teddy trailed off.

He was right, it did. It had. You always dread feeling that …feeling them push as far in as they can. Your body feeling like it couldn’t possibly stretch anymore. That feeling like you’re going to shit yourself and you having to just relax and let it happen so they don’t hurt you. So, they don’t…So they don’t do what my uncle Ben had done about a week before Lionel had taken me in. Me wondering if the injury had opened back up. If I was back on my diet of stool softens I had barely left behind.

“I still feel weird,” I told Teddy.

“According to my friend Josh like I said before it’s…it takes some time. Give it a little while,” Teddy told me.

“Has he left? Like, gone to my house to…”

“Not that I know of. He had to go to Russia for something. That’s where he is right now. I doubt he’d stop over at your house. Not with everything that’s going on. Not there. He doesn’t deal well with emotional shit. Why do you think my mom is so fucked up but she’s also a psychiatrist? It’s him. She wanted to understand the emotions and then medicate them away. Make it easier to be like him.”

“Did they say when I was going home?” I asked him.

“Not really. I’m assuming he wants you to stay here with us until he gets back though. Sergei is probably going to take us to the movies tomorrow if you want to come,” Teddy told me.

“I don’t …” 

“Look he only ever does it if he’s told he can otherwise he won’t touch you,” Teddy said.

“That doesn’t mean he won’t be thinking about it when he looks at me. That he would be oblivious to fact that he knows I’m thinking about it,” I told him.

“It’s not easy. I know it’s not but, it’s better than staying locked up here all day. Because he’s not here Papa, you won’t have to use a peg. So that’ll make it easier.”

“I really just don…”

“Clothes,” Teddy said, “You can have real clothes instead of a stupid ass fucking robe that barely covers anything and makes you feel sick when you look in the mirror.”

“I feel sick when I look in the mirror no matter what I’m wearing,” I told him, “You said you were a harem boy, I’m a harem boy. I’m a fucking disgusting…h…”

“HEY!” Teddy said shaking his head as he held me, “If I’m not one you’re not one, ok? Getting out will help it feel less…less like we are.”

“And when he comes back?” I asked him.

“Close your eyes and pretend you’re not here,” Teddy told me, “When he’s done I’ll…”

“You’ll what Teddy? What?!” I said sitting up, “There’s nothing you can fucking do.”

“Will, hold up, you need to…”

“NO! NO! I…” I sighed. None of it was Teddy’s fault. None of it. If anything, he was more Lionel’s victim than I would ever be. There probably hadn’t been a single day in Teddy’s life where the man hadn’t raped him or let someone else do it. None of it was on him. 

“I’m sorry, ok? I just…”

“It’s ok. It’s ok to be angry,” Teddy told me, “It’s ok to be upset that I’m too weak to he….”

“We’re not weak. I feel stupid saying it but, in order to survive this, to live this it means we’re strong. Maybe not physically but, we’re strong ok?” We have to believe we’re strong no matter how sore our asses are.”

With that a big grin broke out across Teddy’s face before he started laughing, loudly. For some reason watching his eyes light up as he chuckled like that making it contagious. A light feeling starting in my chest near my heart before I was laughing too. Us holding each other and laughing Teddy catching his breath just enough to add with a big shit eating grin on his face.

“I don’t know about yours but mine is pretty fucking sore right now,” Teddy said before he started laughing even harder so hard tears started streaming down his face.

For some reason that made my laughter almost as bad as his. I couldn’t wipe the grin from my face even as we both stopped laughing, “Yeah,” I nodded my head, “Mine is pretty sore.”

“At least we don’t have to go horseback riding anytime soon,” Teddy told me.

“Are you going to be ok, you think?” I asked him.

“Once school in is in a couple of weeks it’ll be easier. At least until the BBQ. Their stupid games. He wants to have it here this year. Brotherhood only,” Teddy told me.

“Why?” I asked him.

“I don’t know but he wants it to be coed so hopefully they won’t be fucking everyone who walks through the door. I mean if they corner someone I…I can see it happening but if we stick together it should be ok. You’ll get to meet some girls.”

Girls? I didn’t know what to do with a girl. Last time I had been to a school with actual girls was in Montana. Last time I had talked to girls about a topic that wasn’t coordinated had been probably preschool. I had no idea what to do with that.

“They don’t have cooties Will, that’s a rumor. You look somewhere between terrified and disgusted,” Teddy commented his smile falling a little bit.

“I just…I don’t know how to talk to girls. I mean…it’s not like I want to be with one. I just…,” I shrugged my shoulders.

“Look, some of them go through it too, ok? It’ll be girls like that. And they don’t bite. I am really good friends with Hannah and Alice. I went to preschool with them. They’re nice,” Teddy told me, “I can introduce you to them. Maybe then you’ll actually believe me when I say they don’t bite or have cooties because you are still giving me the weirdest look…”

“No, it’s just…what do you talk about?”

“Will, they aren’t aliens. You just ask them how they are and it usually goes from there. I promise. For a gay boy, you sure are nervous about what girls might think,” Teddy told me.

“Not funny! I just don’t…the only girl I can actually talk to that’s like a real girl is my 5-year-old sister. What if they…”

“Oh,” Teddy said his face falling, “They won’t talk about that. Trust me, ok? I know it’s like all we ever talk about because we have no lives outside of it but some people actually watch TV and shit. Girls especially. Last time I talked to Allison all she wanted to talk about was tella novella’s. Trust me they actually talk about real things. Don’t be surprised if you have to sit there and listen to them chat about the backstreet boys and 98 degrees because apparently, they are like huge with the girls right now. I mean, I think Brian Litterall is really nice looking but that’s as far as my interest goes.”

“I always thought Nick Carter was better looking,” I said.

“Are you kidding? He has like the bluest eyes ever and it’s kind of…,” Teddy said smiling, “Seriously though and everyone loves Nick. Where is Brian’s love?”

“Shouldn’t you ask that about the other 3 if you’re going to ask where Brian’s love is?” I asked before someone opened the door.

“What about my love boys?” Brian the recruit asked.

“We weren’t talking about you,” Teddy muttered his face falling.

“What? You decide you don’t like me? Come on…,” Brian said, “You three need to come with me Sergei had to go deal with someone and he said he wanted you in hangout. So, you can chat about whatever Brian you’re talking about there. Where’s the shortcake?”

“LUKE! Come on kiddo we’re going to hang out,” Teddy shouted.

“REALLY!?” I heard an excited squeak as their bedroom door opened, “We’re going to the fun room.”

“Sure, are kiddo, you want a piggyback ride?” Brian asked looking at Luke.

I personally did not feel ok with that. Not the way Brian had always talked to me in the prep room. I would rather he not touch even the air around that child and he wasn’t even mine.

“I’ll give you one if you want one,” Teddy told him bending over.

“You really think I’m going to hurt him.”

“I barely know you and I don’t trust you,” I muttered.

“Anyone ever tell you-you're too smart for your own good?” Brian asked me.

“Yeah, I know. We’re fine we’re going to the fun room and Will and I will be there too. It’s fine,” Teddy said when I hadn’t heard anyone say anything Luke probably having whispered something in his ear.

Jay always did that to me. Whenever he felt unsafe or wasn’t sure if it was ok. The simple act of a small child making me miss him. Wondering if he was ok. If Da had hurt him or let someone else. If Da had…me trying not to think about it. Trying not to dwell on it as we walked down the hall.

It felt like a long walk. Brian pulled out a key once we left the “apartment” or whatever it was and then unlocked another door that led to a long stairwell that stretched across an open area. Underneath it the foyer where they usually made you undress once you came in the front door visible. 

“Come on, you too kid,” Brian said turning around to look at me as he held another door open. He walked us to a door at the very end of the hall which caused Luke to jump off Teddy’s back and go running into through it as he pulled it open.

If you were six it probably would have been considered a fun room. It looked like a daycare for the most part with other smaller rooms with no doors and only arches surrounding it me peering around as Brian said something to Teddy.

“Come on,” Teddy said, “I’ll show you where we usually hang out.”

“We?” I asked him.

“11 to 14’s,” Teddy muttered, “I’ll introduce you to some people. I mean they’re ones but they are still awesome. At least the ones that know me. Honestly, sometimes they can be bitches but sometimes they are pretty cool.”

He walked over to an arch and then knocked on it causing a few people to turn back and look away from the TV they were all lazily staring at.

“Bitch what in the world?” Some African American guy said turning around.

Teddy laughed looking at the expression on my face, “This is Chris. Don’t mind him he’s loud. Chris, this is Will.”

“Oh, I heard about Will,” Chris said giving me a pained expression, “Loudly. Nice to put a name to the…huh…audio?”

I wanted to ask him what he meant but was afraid to know. Apparently, sound traveled through the air ducts. And I was…Beau had told me I was loud. He had been the first person to just straight out ever say it but we had been in the woods so it wasn’t like there was anyone to really hear it. 

“really? What did they turn up the volume all the way? That fucking…,” Teddy said shaking his head.

“Do I wa…”

“The editing room is near my bedroom. If they want to be assholes the checkers will turn it on so high it’s like they are trying to torture you. You hear things. I’m just glad they put the studio downstairs next to the morgue. I do really wish they would put the editing room down there too but they have the holding rooms down there. It’s studio, morgue, holding so editing is downstairs on the first floor with the party holding rooms and the dining room. Bedrooms are up here and upstairs. Along with obviously where we just kind of hang out. When we’re not…busy.”

“Wh..,” I started to ask before I decided I didn’t want to know.

I didn’t want to know what he had heard. I didn’t even know who he was and he had heard…probably that. Me saying that. The idea of someone knowing, knowing that they made me say those things making me feel sick, making my knees feel weak.

“Hey, man it’s cool. They’re freaks, ok? You’d be surprised the stuff I’ve heard just because the editing room is right next door to our room.”

“Who do you room with now?” Teddy asked.

“When I’m on rotation you mean? Vince and Lyan,” Chris said, “Why you wish you could hit that?”

“Eww, no,” Teddy said.

“I don’t know if I were like you, Teddy, I wouldn’t mind Lyan. He’s good. He’s in the room if you want to say hi.”

Teddy chuckled a little bit, “I’m ok.”

“You sure? I thought you thought he was cute?” Chris questioned.

“Maybe that’s why he’s ok?” I questioned.

“Yeah probably. I didn’t nickname him dumdum for nothing. He’s too sweet, Teddy. He’s so sweet he’ll make you sick if you let him.”

“You’re being an ass now Chris, come on,” Teddy said.

“What? You don’t like people knowing you’re really not all big and bad?” Christ asked turning around and smiling at him.

“At school, we call him a spaz,” I muttered.

“Hands down that is the truth if I have ever heard it. Don’t ever try to watch TV with him. He’ll sit here and Chanelle surf until you are just screaming at him to pick something and then he’ll make you sit there and watch “our Ocean our home” or some weird shit.” 

“How else would I know that dolphins have sex for fun,” Teddy said shrugging his shoulders.

“I don’t know man, ask one,” Chris said shaking his head, “Don’t watch TV with him he goes from wishbone and Arthur to some shit about tigers on the savannah. He can’t watch anything normal.”

“Tigers don’t live on the savannah,” Teddy said.

Like I figured Teddy was smart but I didn’t realize the only thing he watched was national geographic and PBS. However, it was something interesting to know considering if I managed to sit down long enough to watch TV that I wanted to watch it was similar things. Usually, I was treated to sesame street and Barney though. Not to mention Andy and Laura’s favorite, blue’s clues.

That was something I didn’t know about Teddy that I remember finding surprising. That I had something in common with him more than that one aspect. Somehow it made me feel just that much more comfortable with Teddy knowing that it wasn’t just Lionel and how much we cared for our siblings that we had in common.

“You ok?” Chris asked me suddenly.

“Am I ok?” I asked him kind of confused as to why he was asking.

“Yeah you don’t say a lot,” Chris told me.

“He doesn’t until he knows you,” Teddy explained.

“Ah, one of those?” Chris said, “That’s ok, Lyan is like that sometimes. Depends on what type of day he’s having.”

“Will you shut up about Lyan?” Teddy said causing me to turn in look at him.

While Teddy did blush, it wasn’t usually like that. His face a deep shade of crimson. That’s when it hit me. He really had a crush on Lyan. A real crush which for some reason I remember finding horrible amusing. I don’t know why but I did me smiling at him slightly.

I wondered if Teddy had ever had a real crush before. I knew that when I first saw Cole and realized how…great he was. And even Beau it was…I felt weird. I remember feeling weird looking at Cole and wanting to know what his lips might feel like. How I remembered my body feeling so warm when…he had fallen off the bed laughing at the look on my face when he was making fun of Pat for shaving.

“God,” Teddy said rolling his eyes at me, “Not you too.”

“He like you? He should meet Lyan,” Chris muttered before he turned around making a spitting sound before he nearly fell off the couch laughing, “For a man who don’t use a lot of words his face sure says a lot.”

I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t know what to tell him. I wasn’t even really sure what to think of him. I mean he was sitting there wearing what looked like a towel around his waist under his robe and didn’t even seem to care he was there in front of me practically nude and he had just met me a few minutes before.

I wanted to ask how long we were supposed to be there. I knew he didn’t mean anything by it but he was laughing at me. At my…me sighing wishing, I could say something but not wanting to be rude. Wanting to just leave as I looked at Teddy who seemed to read my mind.

“You want to go check on Luke for me?” Teddy asked giving me a small smile.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head as I heard Chris make some comment about my accent as I was walking away.

I went into another little alcove separated from the rest of the room by another arch. He was there sitting next to three more little boys. They were sitting with their knees pulled together but under them. Almost like they were sitting cross-legged but not. Like they were trying their best to protect themselves all of them wearing short white robes that barely covered their bottom halves. White robes like the red robes that Luke, Teddy and I were wearing.

“Hi Will,” Luke said looking at me, “These are my friends Kasey, Rick, and Joey.”

“Hi,” I said to them giving them a small wave.

“We’re playing dinosaurs do you want to play?” one of them asked me.

He had brown eyes and hair that was some deep type of brown. He looked small, undernourished. He smiled at me sheepishly like he was more curious than afraid of me. The idea that he wasn’t afraid and simply curious almost confusing me. I felt…lost.  
“Will, it’s ok. You can be the T-rex if you want,” Luke told me.

“I’m just…,” I shrugged my shoulders.

“It’s ok. Tucker does that sometimes too. He stands around because he’s not sure what to do. Do you want to be the triceratops? I like him, he’s my favorite,” the one who seemed so tiny said.

“I huh…,” 

I wanted to scream. Knowing that they all knew. That everyone…Chris had even said they had heard me. Heard me on tape…saying those things. 

“Hey!”

I heard making me jump.

“Ok,” Teddy said, “It’s ok Will. You want to… Chris, can we go see Lyan like you were talking about? I can’t remember where your room is.”

“Yeah sure, I mean there’s not much in there but yeah,” Chris said, “Come on let’s go.”

He walked out the door and I followed him. I remember feeling sick to my stomach as we went out the door and turned right going down the stairs that were right there and then going past a room that had a frosted glass window in the door before going to the door next to it Chris knocking on the door.

“Yeah?” I heard a quiet voice.

“Yo Lyan, it’s me. I got some friends that wanted to come check out the room are you decent?” Chris called back through the door.

“Just a second,” he called before he came up and opened the door while tying his robe closed at the same time.

“Hey, Ted, who is…?”

“He needs a break I think,” Teddy said.

“Really? Me too,” Lyon said. He had a hint of an accent. So, faded I couldn’t place it. His eyes were gray and he looked beyond tired. Like he just wanted to sleep. He looked how I felt, like shit. Like he just wanted the whole world to disappear. 

“Guys we can…”

“No, it’s ok. Are you going to be quiet though?” Lyan asked me.

I remember just …not being sure about him something about him hitting me weird. Maybe the expression on his face or his body language but I remember feeling calmer.

“Is Chris ever quiet?” Teddy muttered.

“Shut up dumdum if I was wearing real clothes today you better believe I’d be handing your ass to you,” Chris said laughing as he smacked Teddy lightly in a joking manner.

“What about him though, is he quiet?” Lyan asked gesturing to me.

“Him? Like a mouse,” Teddy said.

“He can stay then. Just be quiet,” Lyan said moving aside allowing me to step into the room.

“You can use my bed if you want,” Chris muttered before Lyan shut the door in his face.

“I don’t…you look like you’re about to lose whatever cool you may or may not have which is why you’re in my room I’m guessing?” Lyan asked me, “Que suis-je en train de faire? (What am I doing ?) he muttered to himself.

“Ne me demandez pas, je ne peux pas vous le dire,” I said shrugging my shoulders. (Do not ask me, I cannot tell you.)

“You speak French?” Lyan asked me.

“Fluently,” I answered quietly.

“That’s interesting,” He said giving me a small smile, “I have heard mostly Russian, Ukrainian, Albanian, Kurdish, Farsi, and some Spanish but no other French. Are you one of us?”

“One of you?” I asked quietly.

“You do have an accent. British?” Lyan asked me.

“I huh, I was born here but went to boarding school in London for a long time,” I muttered, “Your accent is so faint I couldn’t place it until you asked probably yourself what you were doing.”

“Oui, mio,” Lyan said nodding his head, “I didn’t think you would understand. I talk to myself a lot. Just to keep…to remember. Did they take you off the street too?” (yes, me)

“I huh,” 

That made me feel guilty. Knowing someone had taken him off the street and I was here. I would eventually go home. To my Da, my uncle. To…

“Are you ok?”

I nodded my head, “Just tired I think. I huh…I’m a five,” I admitted.

“Are you really?” he asked, “Only five I’ve ever met is Ted.”

I nodded my head.

“pardon mais est-ce que ça veut dire que c'est ta famille?” (Does that mean it’s your family?) Lyan asked me quietly.

“Oui, c’est,” I answered in barely a whisper. (yes, it is.)

“I’m sorry,” Lyan told me, “I’m going to huh, lay down. You can stay.”

“Did the…,” I started to ask before shaking my head, “never mind.”

“It’s ok to not be happy here. I am not happy here. I am sleeping,” Lyan said climbing back into bed.

It felt better. Even though I was with a strange guy I didn’t know in his room while he simply just slept it felt better than being in that room with everyone else. With Teddy who I trusted and Luke who I felt so much empathy for. But for some reason sitting on one of the other beds while Lyan slept felt …better.

I felt stupid for being intimidated by a bunch of six-year old’s but I felt like I was breathing again. When I had been standing in that room I felt like I had been drowning. Like everything I was doing was the wrong thing or something that was going to get me in trouble.

At the time I didn’t understand that anxiety but it had been because I didn’t have anyone to tell me what I should be doing, be saying. As an 11-year-old that’s not something, you think about though. You just know it feels wrong. That it feels so wrong to not be afraid. You become afraid of everything. How mortified I was that Chris a guy I didn’t know had heard me say those things. The things Lionel always made me say how he had heard…a lot of things.

How even though he told me he heard things all the time and it was no big deal and he wasn’t judging me for it I had felt judged. I had felt stupid. Stupid that he had…that I had…the words to communicate my thoughts to myself escaping me like sand through my fingers 

I laid there for a long time watching and listening to Lyan sleep. He seemed like a good guy and I remember wondering what his story was, if it should even matter to me or why he was being nice. If he was being nice to me because I was the slut or simply because I was a five and he thought being nice to me would earn him something in the sick twisted world in which he resided. The world he was forced to move through day by day. A world that felt stagnant. Almost as stagnant as mine.

Often when I closed my eyes even if I didn’t consider them nightmares I always felt trapped. I could feel their bodies pressing against mine, into mine and for me, it was only a couple of guys. I couldn’t imagine what Lyan felt or saw when he closed his. The answer probably explaining the scrunched expression coloring his face as he slept.

I just sat there and thought. Thought about being alone mostly which was something that seemed like, or felt like it never happened. My brain enjoying the quiet and the sunlight that felt like it was lazily drifting through the small window. The silence greeting me like a warm friend that hadn’t smiled on me since those early mornings with Beau. Me realizing that maybe that was a part of the reason why I didn’t slow down anymore. Because if I did I missed the silence and I missed him.  
I missed having freedom. It had only been maybe 2 weeks since we had come home. So, it makes sense that by that point I would still miss him but Montana and so many things about it felt like they were a lifetime away. It made me wonder if that’s how Chris felt and Lyan. If that’s what their world was like. Lyan’s soft breathing becoming heavying gasps before he sat up.

“Que se passe-t-il? Ne pas ...” he shouted before looking around, “Je susi désole. Sorry sorry, bad...” (What the hell? Don’t… I’m sorry.) he trailed off looking at me.

“c'est comme ça,” I answered, “I get it. I do.”

“I don’t usually…just lately,” he muttered.

“Can I ask you something?” I asked quietly.

“Sure,” Lyan said.

“Do all of you ever talk about…you know before?”

“Not really, non,” he said shaking his head, “It’s…there’s no point. I’ll never see those people again. The odds of leaving here are…not good. So, no reason to talk about what it was before.”

“What do you mean?” I asked quietly.

I knew at that point they killed people but there were a lot of things I didn’t know. Not until Lyan.

“When I am 17 so 5 years I will be looked at…huh, examined? And they will, if I am good enough strong enough let me go …”

“Home?” I questioned.

“Non, they will give me to someone else. Who will maybe keep me until I am older or …if I am not good. They will help me. They showed me. When I got here that…if you are good to them but no longer…you can’t …anymore they will give you sleep.”

I felt sick. I understood what he was saying perfectly. I didn’t need him to explain any more than that. He was talking about putting them down. Down like they were dogs. Everyone said they were throwaways for a reason. Because they were disposable. 

“Quel âge avez-vous?” I asked him.

“12, et tio?” he asked me.

“11,” I answered him.

“I was 10. My older sister was walking with me after school through the park. I asked her to stop and play she said yes. She was 15. She saw a friend and walked away and then…there was a dog I followed it. And then I think someone grabbed me. Next, I remember I was…Quelque part et nulle part à la fois and that’s…,” (somewhere and nowhere all at once)

“I’m sorry.”

The words felt so empty. Like they would never be enough. Like there would never be enough words to describe how sorry I was. I remembered that feeling. I had felt that feeling days before. The feeling everything being everywhere and nowhere all at once. Like your cells the very essence of who or what you are is scattered on the air. It’s all around you yet you can’t grab onto it, you can’t…

“It’s not you,” Lyan said, “It’s not you. Calm down. You aren’t responsible.”

“I know. I’m just sorry,” I said again.

“I am all right. It’s…Derek tells me…J'ai le plus beau cul qu'il ait jamais eu. He is…doux avec moi pas comme ici,” Lyan said shrugging his shoulder, “At least I have somewhere else to sleep sometimes. There are other boys here who never leave.” (I’m the sweetest ass he’s ever been with. He is sweet with me, not like here.)

“Someone takes care of you?” I asked him.

“Me and a couple others. They are…good friends. We …they are good friends. Derek once brought someone to the house to…Menge a trios. Said we looked like brothers. That it was…” Lyan shivered, “At home it’s not like that usually though. What is it like for you? If it’s ok to ask?”

“I was never taken. So, I don’t…”

“Doesn’t mean you have nothing to say. You are here after all yes? If you want to talk I will listen. I told you about me. How I got here. How did you?” he asked me.

Logically my brain was telling me he wasn’t asking for much but my heart My heart was telling me he was asking me for everything. I knew he had just told me…what he had just told me mattered but I couldn’t think of anything to say but that one sentence that one sentence that described everything so perfectly, “Mon père et puis c'était ... J'étais quelque part et nulle part à la fois,” (My father and then it was…I was somewhere and nowhere all at once.) I barely managed to choke out before I got up and left the room.


	49. Chapter 49

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will finds himself feeling more than ready to go back to Lionel's private living quarter just to get away from the sound and ruckus of the throwaway wing. He finds lunch to be a daunting task.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1259-1286 **Warnings: talk of rape, talk of human trafficking, mental health issues, anxiety, talk of young child sexual abuse, sexual slavery** Yeah, the usual warnings. There's a bit going on I'll try to post another chapter tonight because I'm running late on posting this week. I hope you enjoy **John's part 2 Chapter 12**

The last thing I wanted to talk about was Da. Because while Lyan might have a Da out there somewhere that loved him and cared about him and wanted him. That missed his son and thought, or knew he would never see him again, that wasn’t my life, my truth. I had my Da. He was right there, and I could scream at him and beg him and plead with him never using the words we weren’t allowed to use, and he would still…

And then tell me I was “almost” as good as my brother because my Da was in love with him and the rest of us were property. Something to let other people borrow and use. Something that other people could help him destroy piece by piece.

For me it wasn’t some stranger off the street that had torn me apart but my own family. My own Da and my Uncle. And my mum while she had always been there to comfort me and had always tried her hardest to keep us safe because of what a monster my father was it was never enough.

My father had made my life hell and it had nothing to do with some man taking me and removing me from a loving home. For me my home had probably been broken from before I was ever a thought. Me sighing as I stood out in the hallway outside of Lyan’s room trying to pull myself together. Trying to ignore the way that everything hurt. That everything hurt so bad I almost felt numb the door beside me with the frosted glass window in the middle opening and someone wearing one of those stupid ass robes came out.

“You’re not supposed to be here,” the guy said to me giving me a dirty look.

I immediately didn’t like him. No adult you ever came across at the Villa was a good person and by then I knew that. His Brown eyes looking at me so coldly they almost seemed black, “Whose supposed to be minding you? Sasha?”

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t…I didn’t know it was against the rules to walk around the hall. That seemed like a stupid rule especially if we were in confined quarters an area that other people weren’t supposed to be.

“William, I asked you a question. Who is supposed to be minding you?” The man asked me again making my chest feel tight.

I had no idea who he was. I didn’t recognize him from my marking or from anything else for that matter even though there had been so many people at my marking that hadn’t been a part of the ceremony there was no way I could ever have known them all. But I knew he wasn’t…he hadn’t been one of them.

“So, when they say you are shy they aren’t joking huh? Once someone puts a camera in that slut face you sure do make a lot of noise though. Do you need me to go get one?” he spat at me.

I shook my head not sure what to do. Too afraid to speak. He wouldn’t…he…who was he? The sound of bare feet hitting the floor causing us both to turn around.

“Will what are you doing? Hi Daddy Cross,” Teddy said quietly, “What’s going on?”

“He was in the hall,” he said, “I’m editing. He doesn’t belong in the hall if Sasha or Sergei or whoever brought you over to this side that’s fine. I couldn’t give less of a shit personally, but you aren’t allowed to run around the fucking hallways unless you want to be put to work. I could always call him right now and this one will be heading downstairs you got it?”

“He’s just nervous. He’s never been over here before. I’m sorry he got in your way,” Teddy said quietly.

“Then watch him. Don’t let him wander around on his own. You know there are trackers and recruits here and some of them if he’s caught alone don’t what care what color robe he’s wearing or about the number on his hip you understand?” Mr. Cross told him.  
“Yes, I understand. I’m sorry. Will, come on,” Teddy said grabbing my elbow lightly and steering me away back into the bedroom I had just come out of Lyan already starting to settle back into his bed, “Lyan why did you let him leave the room?”

“I …I didn’t do that. He left because he wanted to. He got upset I thought he needed space to collect himself.”

“He was in the hall,” Teddy said, “he’s never be…”

“How was I supposed to know that? I am not here all the time, no? I’m not going to know that. I am sorry. Will, right? Will you cannot be in the hall it’s dangerous. Too many people might be walking about.”

“You’re really fucking lucky,” Chris said shaking his head at me, “You know we’re running around mostly naked for a reason, right?”

He was right we were mostly naked. Where it seemed anyone that above a certain age was wearing what passed for underwear to cover their more sensitive areas from prying eyes none of us were. While Teddy and I had red robes that were barely long enough they reached midthigh everyone else had white and nothing underneath. However, that was why everyone sat with their legs tightly locked and hands in their laps or had a blanket as well because we were trying to protect the little modesty we were allowed to have.

It was something I had noticed but had thought was more of an eye candy type of thing. So that there was little left to the imagination. My brain was so tired and I had so much anxiety I hadn’t thought about it beyond that point.

“Why can’t we…?” I started to ask.

“Some people won’t care. Me they’ll care because they know who I am. They know I’m important as far as they know about you though he’s borrowing you. Just for the day. He doesn’t usually let us just walk around anyway usually there’s someone with us. But you have noticed that we don’t have und…”

“Aye, I can feel it. It is my body what are you getting at Teddy?” I asked him.

“He actually fucking speaks,” Chris said, “Dude, it’s so they can push us into the wall and tell us to touch our toes.”

It took my brain a minute to understand what he was getting at my face heating up as it hit me. If they found you in the hallway and they wanted to they…

“For you, they would be in trouble. But only if they got caught, yes? There are corners here where it is easy to…hide things. So, I would be careful especially on this side of the villa,” Lyan told me.

So even being Lionel’s boy didn’t help me if there were no witnesses. Anyone could have just…and it wouldn’t have mattered. The…

“Why didn’t he if he could?” I asked.

“He’s an I daddy. He likes both equally. You have to appeal to him,” Chris told me, “It doesn’t stop him if he really wants to but usually he likes the castle better. He’s good at tech work though so when he’s here he’s usually editing shit. Which that’s the editing room I told you that earlier, remember?”

I nodded my head.

“Did he say anything to you?” Teddy asked me, “You still look kind of…nervous.”

“Camera,” I said quietly.

“He can’t without permission. You probably caught him on his way out for a smoke break. They aren’t allowed to unlock the fire door and step out if they see anyone in the hallway,” Teddy told me, “Too big of a risk for someone getting out.”

“I just want to go home,” I said quietly.

“You and me both man. I am so done with this. I have to go back on the bench in about 20 minutes though. That’s why I was stopping by to come and grab my shit before I head off to the shower and prep room,” Chris told me.

“That’s on this floor?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah, it’s down the hall. I mean this is the back entrance to that area, but it connects. They have like 2 powder rooms for each floor but that’s the only shower on this side of the house,” Teddy told me, “We can eat here or go back up to the apartment and eat there. It’s up to you.”

“I don’…I don’t know,” I told him.

“Luke likes eating here in like that area because he can play with his friends. He says I’m super boring because you know I’m so old,” Teddy said that comment making me smile.

Teddy was only slightly older than I was. Where I had been 10 before we had left for Montana Teddy had just turned 12 and that was seven months ago. So, he was just a little over a year older than I was. He had probably turned 12 about a month after John had turned 13 give or take but that’s what happened when you switched countries sometimes you got pushed up a grade or down one depending on the quality of education from where you were before. John had tested in one year ahead just like I had me testing ahead by nearly two.

It was hard to picture Teddy as being old as well as myself but when you were 6 as James and Luke both were I suppose nearly six years older would be old. The idea, however, was amusing. 

“You’re younger than me,” Chris said.

“By 3 months,” Teddy said.

“Those 3 months can make all the difference, just saying,” Chris said.

“Not enough,” Lyan said, “You are pruney Chris.”

“Hey! Ok I know I’m short but I ain’t that short. Your friend here makes anyone look short. How old are you?” Chris asked me.

“o…eleven years old,” I answered.

“What were you about to say?” Chris asked.

“You were going to speak French? Am I throwing you off?” Lyan asked me smiling.

“I…” I shrugged my shoulders.

When you are fluent sometimes your brain switches even when the second language isn’t being spoken. Usually, the more you use one the more your brain thinks in it and sometimes when you go to say something it will come out in that language instead of the one everyone else is speaking in. Like I said we used it often enough at home and were all fluent that yes, Lyan had thrown my thinking just a little bit and he was right I was about to answer in French and tell him I was “onze ans” or 11 years old just like I had told Lyan earlier when he had asked.

“You speak French?” Chris asked me.

“Why does that surprise you? Most of the world speaks more than one language it’s an American thing not to. I can speak Italian.” Teddy said.

“You are Italian. You told me once,” I told him.

“Papa is Italian if you want to be technical. I’m just…American but I speak it. But Papa speaks…,” Teddy got cut off.

“No one cares what that perv speaks. He speaks nasty in any language Teddy,” Chris muttered.

“You do not want him speaking French to you no,” Lyan agreed shaking his head.

“He speaks seven. More or less. Seven languages,” Teddy finished.

“Really which ones?” I asked him.

“Well the fluency varies but I know he understands Russian even if he doesn’t speak it because he’ll have conversations with Sergei and Sasha where they will be speaking Russian and he’s speaking English, but they seem to understand each other anyway. I’ve heard him speak German with Ernie. So, I know he speaks that, Japanese with Jai. He speaks Italian. He probably speaks French usually if you can speak Italian you can also speak French there’s another one that I think it was Greek and then he either speaks Albanian or Croatian I’m not sure which one though. I mean you’d have to ask him. I’m not sure he speaks Russian for real but apparently, he understands it. Papa is…”

“An asshole yes?” Lyan said.

“We’re lucky he doesn’t wiretap these rooms because Lyan would have lost his head a long ass time ago,” Chris said.

“Probably,” Teddy agreed, “Speaking of Lyan I’ve always meant to ask you something since we’re talking about language.”

“I’m French yes?” Lyan tried.

“No, not that. Did you know that there used to be a tribe of people called the Illyanians that lived in Illyria which now a part of Italy?” Teddy asked him.

“No,” Lyan answered.

“Do you think that’s where you got your name from? I mean after all your full first name from what you remember is I…” Lyan slapped his hand over Teddy’s mouth.

“Don’t call me that. It’s all I have. Leave it alone,” Lyan said.

“You don’t like your full name either?” I asked him.

“That sick twisted fuck likes what does he say, Teddy? Proper names?” Chris answered, “It doesn’t matter how old you are when you come in he knows it he’ll use it unless those fucking cameras are pointed at you anytime he speaks to you. Unless you’re…someone important. If he doesn’t know your full name you’re lucky. Not that most of us even remember our last names anyway.”

“What is your full name?” I asked him.

“Christopher Fredrick Celtus,” Chris said, “Obviously he doesn’t call me that but yeah.”

“You’re like the 3rd Chris I know,” I told him.

“Will, you do realize there are lot more bottoms than there are handlers and they don’t really name them. The ones they do name they name them weird things,” Teddy told me.

“Wait you mean like kids that are like…”

“Yes, we’re right here and we know what you all call us. So, don’t,” Lyan muttered.

“I was going to say ones. I don’t think any of you are trash so I’m not about to call anyone that,” Teddy said.

Throwaways. They were talking about their title among the upper ranks. They called them throwaways because they were trash, disposable. Something that no one was.

“Yes, the little ones that they steal from the crack whores it’s not like they stop to ask for the kid’s name. I’m assuming you haven’t met Ripper,” Chris said.

“Ripper?” I asked feeling the look on my face, “They named a kid Ripper?”

“He was little when Papa got him. He’s lucky so far considering the…is that true anyway?” Teddy asked me.

“What?” I asked confused.

“Hank,” he said, “Ripper has really red hair he’s been around since Luke was 3 and I think he’s the same age Luke is. They took him from a park. But is that true that…because sometimes there’s a fight about it because it seems like Hank will touch anyone.”

“I honestly don’t know. I know he like’s John. I know that Pat says he likes them and he …John’s not the only redheaded boy we have in our family,” I said.

“Oh yeah!” Teddy said in realization, “Wait, I thought it was John and your sister.”

“Sisters Teddy,” I answered, “I’m one of 10 you remember that, right?”

“Holy shit!” Chris said loudly, “What does your dad own a farm of women?”

“No, just my mum,” I answered, “Teddy, name my siblings.”

“Wait, I didn’t even…ok. Ok, let me think about this,” Teddy said ticking off fingers as he thought about it, “John, you obviously, Martin? Mike, James, Kathy? I have no idea man that’s like asking me to name the state capitals.”

“Ok fine,” I said, “I have John me, Matty, Mikey, Jay, Catty, Andy, Laura, Mac, Mary, Shay and that’s it.”

“Ok, why so many Y names?” Lyan asked.

“Well Matty and Mikey are Matthew and Michael and Catty is Catherine, Andy is Andrew and so on. The only two really y names are Mac who is Malachy and Mary. I mean Shay’s name is Seamus,” I answered.

“Why so Irish?” Lyan asked.

“Our last name is McGregor, we’re Irish, Mum is very Irish,” I answered.

“I don’t think I’ve ever met your mom,” Teddy told me.

“No, you probably haven’t. She’s Irish though. Da is like…I don’t even know. I know the Castle is on his side of the family mum’s maiden name is O’Hara.”

“Nana Larkin’s maiden name is…Papa’s like 2nd cousin is here,” Teddy said.

“So, for you, this is like a big family thing huh?” Chris asked him, “God life has to suck for you guys. Isn’t your like Uncle the Ben?”

I nodded my head. Yes, everyone knew my uncle. Hell, I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had been up the ass of every one of us in that room and any kids in the immediate proximity outside of it. Literally. My Uncle was an asshole so fitting considering that was one of his favorite places to be as well and it made him almost famous.

“Tres mal,” Lyan muttered shaking his head, “I am so sorry.”

I just nodded my head again. I didn’t care to talk about him and any of his habits. I didn’t care to think about him and how when I got home he was probably going be there. That if he was there right now he was probably hurting Mike, helping Matt hurt Mike and I was in a place where I couldn’t do anything about it. Where even though Lionel was gone and I wasn’t being raped at that moment I had to sit there and be aware I couldn’t protect my brothers and that just the night before Lyan and Chris had been able to hear me scream “ I want your cock “ before I had moaned like…in ways that I couldn’t control. That Lyan and Chris had heard that and who knew who else had the idea making me feel that much more awkward about them even though they seemed like nice people.

“COME ON FOOD PUPPIES!” There was a loud shout down the hallway.

I was surprised to hear so many doors opening. It had been so quiet that I hadn’t realized how many guys were there. The room we had been in had contained four beds though or two bunk beds depending on how you looked at it and one had belonged to Chris and one Lyan. So, there were two more boys that were in that room or used that room at different points during the day. There had been six rooms on that floor and then the editing room.

That meant that on that floor alone there could have been up to 24 boys. If there was the same amount of rooms upstairs that meant there were 48 boys total and then they said something about even more rooms downstairs near the room where they ate four more rooms which meant there was enough room for 64 boys to be on that side of the Villa even though it was doubtful they were all in that area at the same time ever considering the place was like a giant privately owned brothel. However, I did count 10 that slowly came out of the rooms surrounding the hang out room.

Many of the boys were older than we were. Our little group that was standing in the hall, Teddy, Lyan, Chris and I most of them parting to get around us but I noticed a couple of them glancing my way. Their eyes lingering on me like they knew. They knew it had been me. The voice they had heard last night had been my voice. I felt like everyone was staring at me. Like every set of eyes was on me.

I felt something grab the end of my robe making me jump before I looked over.

“Will it’s ok,” Luke told me quietly, “It’s ok. They’re not scary I promise. You can eat with me, Kasey and Joey if you want. Rick had to go. When the big hand gets to the green they make him go on Tuesdays. Kasey and Joey don’t have to go today because it’s Tuesday.” He informed me as both Joey and Kasey watched us sheepishly.

They seemed like good kids but…how… I remember my brain not even being able to think about them having to hear that let alone do that. To the same things that they had done to me.

“Teddy,” Luke said, “Something’s wrong with Will.”

I didn’t feel right, of that, he had been correct, but I wasn’t sure there was anything anyone could do. It wasn’t like I knew where to go or like there was anywhere to go that I could think of that I could get away from them. From all the eyes.

“Will it’s ok. No one here is going to hurt you ok?” Teddy told me quietly, “We’re going to eat. It’s Turkey Tuesday. It’s good.”

I didn’t want to eat. I wanted to go home. I wanted to sit with Mike and James. To tell them it was ok. I wanted to know how John was doing. If he was ok or not. I wanted to talk to Cole I didn’t want to be where I was. I wanted to go home where I could maybe be a little safe. Where not everyone knew what I had done. What I had said.

I didn’t want to eat, I really just wanted to go home I wanted to…

“Will seriously? Come on. We’re not allowed to see them that often ok? They’re our friends, please? I know that you’re tired and you probably just want to go back upstairs to the apartment but please…?” Teddy begged me.

“I got him guys,” Some older guy said coming up to us his hand out.

“DON’T TOUCH ME!” I said backing up finally becoming aware that my whole body was shaking that that was what Luke had meant when he had said something was wrong with me. I was shivering like I was cold aware that everyone was watching me.  
“I won’t, I’m not going to touch you, but I think I can help ok? You feel like your skin is crawling, yeah? It’s ok. You’re ok. I’m not going to hurt you. I’m not going to touch you. But if you come with me it might feel a little better, ok? So why don’t you come with me? Everyone go to lunch. Why are you all standing here watching? You know how much bullshit we’re all going to get for being late? Just go, everyone, go on.” The boy said.

“Trav I don’t thin…” Lyan started to protest his small accent sounding more pronounced for some reason.

“I got it,” Trav said shaking his head, “Trust me ok? He’s a kid. You think I can’t tell he’s one of us just because he’s wearing a red robe? He’s just as much one of us as Luke and Ted are. So, I’ve got it. Go eat before they decide you don’t deserve it, ok?”

Lyan nodded his head, Teddy, watching as the hallway cleared as everyone slowly kept moving towards the stairs.

“Come with me ok?” The guy apparently named Trav said.

“I don’t…”

“Look I work more than rotation, ok? I’m old enough. I’m not going to hurt you and I’m not judging you even though you feel like I am but come with me before we get in trouble, ok?”

I wasn’t sure what else to do as I remembered the warning of Chris and Teddy. That it didn’t matter what color I was wearing if a tracker, recruit or handler found me in the hall an'sd they thought they could get away with it they would but how did I know this guy wouldn’t do the same thing? He was the same age as a lot of the trackers were. How did I know he wasn’t simply one of them pretending to be nice?

“I’m just trying to help, ok? I have food in my room. Eating will help but the crowd won’t. And I mean it’s just cup noodles, but the bathroom water does get hot enough so…it better than nothing right? You look like you might need someplace quiet so come on, please?”

I sighed deciding it was probably safer than being out in the hallway. That maybe if he did do those things it meant I deserved it for trusting him as I nodded my head in agreement taking a step towards him.

“I’m Travis. Everyone calls me Trav though usually. What’s your name?” he asked me.

“Will,” I said quietly.

“I’m going to assume you’re…,” Travis made a sound but changed the direction of his sentence, “It’s nice to meet you, Will. Can you tell me what’s going on? We have to go upstairs.”

“I just…everyone’s watching,” I answered feeling breathless.

“No one is here but me and I’m not watching,” he said as we started climbing the stairs back up and walking past the room with the frosted glass again before turning down right down the hallway and then turned left to go up another flight of stairs.

Once we got to the top of those stairs it looked like we had walked into a laundry room. There were blankets of all colors laying every couple of feet a couple of robes so dirty they looked almost gray instead of white. I gave Travis a questioning look as I took in the site.

“They huh, they can be messy. Most of it is Tate, Keith, and Sunny. Taz does his fair share too though,” Travis told me.

“More boys?” I asked quietly, and he nodded his head giving me a small smile.

“Yeah, they’re mine,” Travis said. Josh and I tend to…we try anyway. We’re at the end of the hall. JG is on the clock and Josh is…he got himself into some trouble so he’s in the hospital right now but, our room is at the end of the hall.”

A door opened…a boy stepping out of it using his hands to cover himself dripping wet.

“What the fuck Mish…you’re missing lunch you know?” Travis told the boy.

“Šupak je došao po cijelom licu,” The guy apparently named Mish muttered before switching to English, “Who are you?” (Asshole came in my face.)

“This is Will.” 

“He looks pedigree,” Mish told Josh before he glanced at the top of my head his eyes slowly moving down my body taking in my robe.

“Misha…,” Travis said shaking his head.

“What? They are never nice. Not…,” He said shrugging his shoulders, “I’m going to go grab cover and take a nap. I do not want to eat.”

Misha was thin. Very thin. So thin he almost looked bobble-headed like his head was too big for the rest of his body to support the strong shape of his jaw and cheeks looking awkward as I watched him. His face looked like he probably wore a constant scowl and if it weren’t for that and the fact that you could easily count every rib from any angle if you were looking at him close enough he might have actually been very good looking. His arms so thin they almost reminded me of wing bones like the kind you found in a chicken instead of actual arms the bones in his fingers visible through the skin.

“No, you’re fucking eating. Go get a robe and meet us in my room. Got it?” Travis said.

“You can’t make me,” he said giving Travis a bitter smile.

“I know you prefer me making you then one of them and they will. They’ll fucking tie you down and shove a feeding tube probably up your ass. So, go get a robe and come see me. I’m making you two cups and you’re going to eat or drink both, understand?”

“Yeah, yeah asshole,” Misha gripped before I followed Travis forward to the end of the hall.

“Don’t mind him. He’s bitter,” Travis told me.

“Isn’t everyone though?” I asked him shrugging my shoulders.

“True. Most don’t think that starving themselves is the easiest option for dealing with things though. If you ask me it just makes him more of a bitch,” Travis said, “I think he keeps hoping he’ll just fall over dead.”

“Probably. My older brother was the same way. He’s not anymore. I don’t think or he wasn’t while we were gone. I don’t know it’s very…he…”

“Gone?” Travis asked interrupting my rambling.

“We …our mum she took us we…escaped I guess. And then we were gone for like 7 months we’ve been back for 2 weeks. And my brother he …he slit his wrists…” I said before clapping my hand over my mouth as I felt like I was going to start crying.

“Ok, come on sit, sit on the bed,” Travis said, “Is he ok?”

“I don’t know,” I barely managed the words coming out in a high squeak,” I’m here and…”

“Ok,” Travis said watching me and nodding his head, “here, sit right there, yep,” he said as I sat on a bed and he helped me drape a blanket over my lap, “There you go now just breathe, calm down you’re ok. And I’ll make us some noodles.”

He bent over opening a tiny chest sitting up against the wall in the corner behind the door pulling out four Styrofoam cups before he walked out of the room

I felt like an idiot. Crying like a retard. I wanted to go home, and I didn’t know if John was ok. I knew he was alive and in hospital but that didn’t mean he was ok especially if what Cole and Pat said about the hospital was true and Pat and Cole had never lied to me before.

I had no reason to think they were lying. The odds were someone was raping John at that moment and there was nothing I could do to help him. Nothing I could do to make them leave him alone or anyone else because I was stuck at the Villa with boys I didn’t know who had heard me moan like a bitch in heat all night because someone was editing a video of…of that.

Of them doing that to me. Raping me. And I felt so…lost. So…Travis returning followed by a now covered Misha, each with two of the Styrofoam cups in their hands.

“Here,” Travis said handing one to me, “Do you know if he’s alive?”

“Yes, but they said he’s in hospital that…we have friends they told me that it wasn’t a good place and I just and my Da…he thinks I did it. That I…”

“Slow down,” Misha said, “ok bother is in the hospital, psych?”

I nodded my head.

“Oh, he probably knows Josh then,” Travis said sounding amused, “Depending on his personality that should be fun. How old is he?” 

“13,” I answered.

“Oh, Josh will try to take care of him then. Josh tries to take care of everyone.” Misha told me.

“Drink your soup dipshit. I was serious. I want both gone before you leave this room,” Travis told him before taking a drink from his own cup.

“He’s a pain in my ass just like Travis,” Misha told me shaking his head before he did as he was told and took a drink from one of the cups he was holding.

“Only a pain because I’m trying to keep you from getting force-fed,” Travis said before taking another drink, “Through a tube.”

“Up my ass so you say,” Misha said shaking his head before we all heard a sound out in the hallway.

You could feel the atmosphere in the room change both of them going as tense as I felt before there was a loud crash and some swearing in Spanish.

“Travis I’m going to kill them I swear,” someone groaned

“Did you fall?” Travis called out.

“No, I decided to take a nap in the middle of the hallway what do you think man?” I heard the same person grumble.

“Why didn’t you go to lunch Fidel?” Travis asked.

“Too tired,” the person answered back as I leaned forward just in time to see a tanned ass before the guy managed to get back to his feet, “You didn’t tell me we had a guest.”

“Please like it’s anything to stare at,” Misha snickered.

“You’d be surprised what I hear in response to it,” Fidel shot back.

“No, he wouldn’t,” Travis said Misha joining him in unison

“Hello, I am Fidel and you are?” the kid asked me.

“Will, right?” Misha asked me and I nodded my head, “yes, Fidel this is Will.”

“I caught that. Do you speak?” Fidel asked me.

“He was a couple minutes ago. Apparently, his brother his with ours,” Travis said.

“What a handler gave him some crack too? Before handing him a pen as well?” Fidel asked.

“Really Fi? Really?” Travis said shaking his head as Misha started laughing.

“What? Asshole deserves worse. We all know it. He got off easy.”

“Yeah but you do realize when he comes back they’re going to be bidding right?”

“Don’t…” Fidel started.

“Then don’t bring it up because I don’t personally want to think about it. Ok? Because my ass is still going to be here doing what it’s always done and Taz is driving me fucking nuts. Ok?”

“Why would he drive you more nuts than anyone else?” I dared to ask.

“He’s the baby,” Misha said, “We’re ones. We have each other and that’s it. He’s 8. He’s young enough to if he has someone just… držati oko he’s fine.” (keep an eye)

“What language are you speaking?” I asked curiously.

“He’s a Croat,” Fidel answered, “I’m Mexican. Travis is American and you’re British no?” 

“Croat?” I asked never having heard the term before.

“I’m Croatian. You ever heard of Eastern bloc? The former Soviet Union?” he asked me.

Yes. Of course, I had. I nodded my head.

“I am from there. A lot of it sounds same, the same but…some of it is different. Almost like Russian but not Russian,” Misha explained to me.

“Why are there so many Russian guys? I’ve met a lot of them,” I asked.

“I don’t know,” Fidel answered me, “Why are there no British guys but apparently you?”

“I’m not British I was born here. I went to boarding school and my mum is Irish,” I told them.

“So, you’re an American with a British accent?” Travis asked, and I shrugged my shoulders in response.

“I’m not Russian I am Croatian,” Misha corrected.

“How many guys are American?” I asked him.

“18,” Travis said, “In-house anyway.”

“In-house?” I asked.

“It means we don’t go home at night. We live here,” Fidel told me.

“Before you ask since you seem to be asking a lot there are 45 of us,” Misha told me before taking another drink from one of his cups.

“Yeah,” Fidel said getting up, “I’m going to go sleep. I have an appointment tonight.”

“Good luck Fi,” Travis said to which Fidel nodded his head at Travis before leaving.

“So, you live here?” I asked him.

“Yes, we live here. A couple of us do most of us are older though. A lot of the younger kids like under 12 have foster families or more like play Daddies that take them home at night. Poor fucking kids. I remember doing that. It was never fun,” Travis told me.

“I’ve never…”

“Well isn’t that why you’re here? Because you have a contract? Think of a foster or a play Daddy like that. Only it’s not about the going out and stuff it’s more about what you do in the bedroom. That’s what we are though. Usually, if you’re a 2 or above it’s more than that. Like Daddies could choose to adopt us if they really wanted to but, they don’t. Very rarely do they ever especially after you’re 14,” Travis said.

“How old are you?” Misha asked me suddenly.

“11,” I mumbled.

“And …I’m sorry,” Misha said shaking his head.

“Mish…,” Travis said shaking his head.

“I’m all right. Just…”

“That’s how old he was when he…,” Travis trailed off.

The idea for me hurt. It was something I knew I would never experience but being 11 and being taken from your home. Or never really knowing it at all. It seemed like…all of them were horrible. I mean my life wasn’t great but at least I had my family. When they probably first came here they had no one. I couldn’t imagine having no one.

“I’m sorry,” I told them, “do you go to school?”

“No,” Travis said, “Sometimes this guy come’s by like once every two weeks and he’ll teach us stuff he does that in like the foyer. It’s basic stuff unless you’re really smart then he’ll give you books to like to read and stuff. Most of us know how to read at least one language Misha goes to school with the 6 to 10-year old’s because he can speak it, but he can’t read it.”

“Fuck you!” Misha said flipping Travis off even though they were both smiling.

“Well if it’s not your native language that makes sense to me,” I said, “There’s really a guy that teaches you?” I asked them curious about it.

“His name is Finick, but they say he’s a priest but then he just took in a…one of the little boys so I find it hard to believe he’s really a priest,” Travis said shrugging his shoulders.

The name sounded familiar to me and I was pretty sure he was one of the teachers at school, but I didn’t know what else to say or think about it. If he did have a boy, he was keeping him in the rectory. The place where all the priests lived on the school grounds. I couldn’t imagine how that kid probably felt having to deal with that, with someone like that doing things to him. 

“When he says little he means little,” Misha said, “I want to scream every time I see that poor kid and hide him somewhere they can’t find him. So, he doesn’t have to go back. That poor thing is scared of his own shadow.”

At the time like I said I knew the name, but I didn’t know who it was really, but I felt bad just thinking about it. How one of them had one of the ones. The things he probably did to him especially if he was like Todd’s dad. Remembering Todd told me he was sure he was hurting him when the door closed. That he was doing those things to him and he was only little. He was only a baby.

“You know someone else with a foster?” Travis asked me

“A friend his Dad…he …he almost cried when he was talking about it. His little brother is only seven. He told me his brother just found it confusing that his dad could have another person, but he couldn’t have a dog,” mentioned.

“That poor kid. It fucks up them even. What was he, a three? A four?”

“I’m not sure,” I told them.

“What are you? Travis asked, “Misha and I won’t tell but just, so you know especially a lot of the guys your age they tend to…they believe you guys are treated better. I’ve been around long enough to know better. Mish too but if you’re a 3 or higher don’t go around telling everyone ok?”

I nodded my head, “They trust Teddy though.”

“Ted’s been here a long time. I was brought here when he was 2. I played with him. They trust Ted because Ted sneaks them candy and talks to them but then again, his grandpa’s both of them do not treat him very well,” Misha said.

“A lot of the younger guys are under the impression that anyone higher than a 2 some of them even think twos are treated better than we are. It’s really not like that though. It’s just about the same. I mean we die easier but there are things that we’re allowed to do that higher ranks can’t,” Travis told me.

“Like what?” I asked.

“You get lonely,” Travis said, “I mean we don’t see girls but sometimes it’s nice to…”

“Oh, geeze just spell it out ok? Some guys fuck. Like, have sex with each other. It’s a comfort thing I think. There’s a rumor that you guys aren’t allowed to do that like have relationships or stuff otherwise you get killed. Someone always dies. Is that true?” he asked me.

“From what my friend told me of his experience, yes,” I answered nodding my head thinking of my punishment for sleeping with Beau, having sex with him. How my body still hurt, and it was nearly 3 days later. 

It always took time. Always. My legs usually hurt the most. After that using the bathroom was what hurt worse than anything else. It was feeling I was still getting used to again. It made me wonder if it felt the same for them, hurt as much for them because they were dealing with twice as many people.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Misha said blushing.

“Dude, don’t think about it. And I thought you barely had the energy to keep up with your job,” Travis said shaking his head and smiling.

“Yeah,” Misha agreed, “It’s still nice to…”

“Cuddle?” I suggested, and Misha nodded his head.

“You have someone even though you’re off limits?” Travis asked me.

“No,” I shook my head thinking of the couple of times that Cole and I had cuddled even if it wasn’t like that. Wasn’t sexual. Thinking about cuddling with my little brothers how sometimes it just made me feel better. Even if I sometimes felt like I didn’t want it how it somehow made me feel less alone, “Is it always like that? The cuddling?”

“No,” Misha shaking his head, “Jermaine and I also sit together sometimes. Taz.”

“Everyone cuddles with Taz though even Fi. Even though he pretends he hates him I think he remembers being that tiny. He’s belonged to them for a long time. The Brotherhood. Here.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said quietly.

“I’m not trying to be rude here, but it is your family yes? Your father?” Misha asked me.

They had been honest and open with me. Been nice to me so I nodded my head. I didn’t want to talk about it but, it was true. It was my family, my dad. That didn’t mean I wanted to talk about it though. That it was really him. That I was being treated like this because of him. At least their real dads had probably loved them in some way.

“We’ve talked to Teddy about that remember Mish? How is hurts differently,” Travis said to which Misha nodded his head.

At that point, the talking drifted off as we all drank our soup. I realized how hungry I was but felt calmer. A rumbling like a slowly approaching storm happening somewhere underneath us before there was a knock on the door and I looked over to see Teddy.

“Sasha is going to want to take us back now,” Teddy told me quietly, “Are you ok?”

I nodded my head. I felt better. Just being somewhere quiet that didn’t feel like it was surrounded felt better. The tiny room at the end of the hall being just what I needed to make me feel like I wasn’t surrounded by people I didn’t know. I mean I didn’t know Travis or Misha really, but they had made me feel calmer somehow. Probably because they were quiet, and their energy wasn’t loud rambunctious like Chris’s or nervous and angry like Lyan’s but calmer. Patient.

“Ok, we have to stop by the fun room and get Luke. Sasha will probably meet us there. Papa is going to be back tomorrow. So at least today we’ll be on our own for most of the day. You can call your family when we get back to the wing.”

That had my attention. I was sure I hadn’t talked to any of them in days. I wanted to know if they had heard anything from John. Or mum. How everything was going if they were ok. If James was ok. I wanted to know. I needed to know what was happening to my little brothers and sisters. 

“Ok,” I said standing up, “Thank you.”

“No problem you can come hang out with us next time you’re over this way. You seem like you’re pretty cool,” Travis said giving me a small smile.

“He’s pretty awesome yeah,” Teddy agreed, “He just gets really nervous.”

“The Leader will do that to you. You know that” Travis said to which Teddy nodded his head.

“Look I’m sorry ok? I should have thought about how nervous you probably were, and I didn’t. I just…I hate being cooped up there and Luke gets really ADD and starts bouncing off the walls. I don’t get to see Chris that much so I…I’m sorry. I should have thought about how you were feeling, and I didn’t. I’m sorry…”

Teddy stopped in the hall and front of me and turned around me sensing where he was about to go and putting my hand up in front of my mouth before sighing,” I don’t want to be kissed.”

Teddy blinked at me his face going bright red before he cleared his throat, “Right, yeah. It’s …”

“Yes, I know. Just don’t kiss me,” I said the mere thought making me want to shudder. Not because it was Teddy but because it was anyone.

The last thing I really wanted was to be touched. If I thought about it I could still feel them touching me. If I closed my eyes I could still hear them talking. Hear the things they had said about me, their grunting and moaning as Lionel told me to beg for it. Beg to be fucked.

“Ok,” Teddy said nodding his head and giving me a small smile, “Let’s go.”

He was right about Sasha meeting us at the door to get Luke. I didn’t like Sasha. His nose wasn’t long and hooked like Sergei’s and he didn’t seem as mean but something about his eyes made me uneasy. I wasn’t sure what it was and I’m still not sure, but he made uncomfortable. 

He didn’t really say anything to us just walked as back the way we had come hours before and made sure to shut the doors and lock them behind us. Teddy handing me the phone off the wall.

I didn’t waste any time dialing my home number and was relieved when Alice answered, “Hello?”

“Hi Alice, it’s me,” I said.

“Oh, thank goodness. Where are you, sugar? The boys thought maybe your Daddy took you to John.”

“Uncle Ben took me somewhere. It doesn’t matter where. I’ll be coming home soon. Is everyone ok?” I asked her trying to ignore the question about me for the most part.

I didn’t want to have to think about it. How Lionel had “punished me.” He had let Sergei and Josh do those things to me. How he had made Teddy do those things to me and then just left. How I had thought he was already done punishing me when he had done those things to James. How as I was lying under him I came to the realization that he was never going to be done punishing me. Not ever.

“I think you should talk to your brothers about that when you get home,” Alice told me.

My stomach fell. Something bad had happened. No, fucking no.

“Alice…,” I said trying to sound as firm as I could.

“Sugar I know but it’s not my place to say. You want me to put Michael on the phone?” Alice asked me.

“Yes,” I said.

I heard some muffled shouting before I heard a young voice answer me, “Yeah?”

“Mike, what happened pal can you tell me?” I asked him.

“I don’t…it’s ok. We’re ok. It’s nothing. Have you heard from Ja-John? Da said he’s in a special place to get him some help. Are you where he is?” Mike asked me.

“No, Da was mad at me though. So, he sent me away for a couple of days. I’ll be home in a little while though. So, I’m told. Can you tell me what happened?”

“I’m…I’m not sure,” Mike told me quietly, “We were playing and then Andy was crying. I…”

“Ok, can you start from the beginning? Tell me what you were playing?” I asked him.

“Da said we could play in the pool with him. Everyone. We were helping Andy and Laura learn how to swim with Da while Alice stayed upstairs with the babies. Mac and Shay and Mary. Matty and I were playing with them and then I had to go to the bathroom, so I got up and I went to the bathroom and when I came back into the pool Da was holding Andy and yelling at Matty. Matty won’t tell me what he did but he said Da is mad at him,” Mike told me quietly over the phone.

Great. Fucking great. So, Matt had probably molested Andy. Which had apparently pissed Da off. Lovely. Just fucking…

“Is Andy ok?” I asked him.

“I don’t know. He won’t let me touch him. He told Laura and Alice and cries or he’s in his room. Da called Dr. Palmer though. That’s all I know though he wouldn’t say anything to us. He asked for you. He asked where you were and then he left when I told him I didn’t know. Da took Matty away Willy. He took him away and I don’t know where he is,” Mike said quietly his voice trembling slightly.

“He’s probably still at home. Just somewhere else ok? Does he seem scared?” I asked.

I was banking on him trying to focus because he said he could sometimes feel what Matty was thinking. That maybe if he focused on it he wouldn’t be as upset as he sounded like he was getting. I wasn’t there to deal with Andy to tell Andy it was ok that whatever had happened …that while it sucked I was there. That John and I weren’t there because at the time we weren’t home.

I could only imagine how scared he probably was. How scared I was that I had no idea what was really happening. What had happened. How he probably barely had the words to describe whatever it was wondering if I could call Dr. Palmer. If that was something I was allowed to do just so I could ask him what had happened. Why else would he have asked for me?

“No,” Mike answered after a minute or two of silence, “He seems mad almost.”

“Ok well. I’m sure he’ll be back in a little while,” I said not sure what else I could tell Mike.

“I know what he did,” I barely heard him.

“What?” I asked him.

“I know what he did. I didn’t have to use the bathroom I had to leave because it was making me feel sick to my tummy. Watching him …seeing him think about that. He hurt him,” Mike told me quietly.

“Hurt him how Mike? You’re not in trouble ok?” I tried to assure him.

“He pitched him. There,” Mike said.

Just the thought made me want to bowl over in pain. He had pinched his penis or his testicles. No wonder Da had gotten pissed. With Da when we were little that’s not how he did things.

He wasn’t violent. That was something I didn’t remember Da ever doing. Did he threaten to hurt someone else to get me to stay still? Yes. Did he tell me it would my fault if John or mum got upset because they found out? Yes, but he had never physically hurt me to get me to do what he wanted other than maybe a hard squeeze on my arm in warning.

I could only imagine how upset Da was that someone had done that to Andy. That it was Matty. I couldn’t imagine what Andy was feeling. How betrayed he probably felt but couldn’t put into words.

“Are you ok Willy?” Mike asked me quietly.

“Huh yeah,” I said nodding my head even though he couldn’t see my response, “I’m fine. I have my friend here. So, I’m all right.”

“Do you know when you’re coming home?” Mike asked me quietly, “All Jay does is cry. He wants you back. I…I want you back. Matty too even though he won’t admit it. We all want you back Willy.”

“Well, I’m safe,” I lied, “They told me I can go home soon. So, I’ll see you soon. Tell everyone I love them ok?”

“Ok, I love you too,” Mike said before I hung up the phone.

“Everything all right?” Teddy asked me.

“One of my little brothers hurt one of the babies. Da took him downstairs I think. So, everything is kind of shit over there. So, I just kind of…,” I shrugged my shoulders.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Teddy told me, “Are you still hungry?”

“A little bit,” I admitted.

“I’ll make you a sandwich ok?” Teddy asked me to which I nodded my head, “Papa is probably going to be back tomorrow at some point.”

“Am I going on home then?” I asked him.

At that point, I just wanted to go home. I wanted to be with my little brothers who were probably beyond scared. My little sisters who didn’t really have anyone but Alice to make them feel safe. At night Da and Uncle Ben probably had free rein. They could do whatever they wanted to whoever they wanted, and no one was there to stop them. It had been like that for three days. Just long enough for my legs and body to stop burning for my head to clear itself of that fog that made it, so I didn’t remember anything.  
I didn’t want to see him though. Not after what he had made me do. What everyone knew he had made me do. I didn’t want to talk about it or think about it. I didn’t want to have to look at him and know that he liked it. That he had made me do those things because he had wanted me to. He had wanted to hurt me. And he had.

“Yeah,” Teddy said quietly before he smiled sadly at me, “Ham or turkey?”

“What?” I asked confused.

“Your sandwich, ham or turkey?” he asked again, “I mean the kitchen isn’t that big but it’s big enough for what we need it for. For Luke and I.”

When he mentioned his name, I looked over. Luke was sitting on the couch minding his own business watching TV. His thumb in his mouth. Luke was being a little kid. It made me wonder what life was really like for him, not for the first time. If to him all of it was just something that happened and if my little brothers and sisters viewed it the same way or if they knew. 

If they had an idea that it was really wrong beyond the fact that it hurt, that it made their bodies feel funny. If they understood why they shouldn’t touch people like that, why it wasn’t ok for other people to touch them like that. Teddy sighed as he noticed me watching before he started talking.

“Turkey. He’s ok. He likes playing with his friends. He knows you need some space. He’s been around enough ones to know that sometimes people just…need space,” Teddy told me.

“Do you think they understand?” I asked him quietly.

“Understand what?” Teddy asked turning his back to me and grabbing bread out of the bread box on the counter before opening the fridge.

“You know that it’s…”

“For me personally I was probably around seven or eight before I really understood why. Like logically understood it. Like I always understood that it hurt, and it felt funny but, I’m not sure I really got the morality of it, understood that part until …” Teddy trailed off.

“Something happened?” I asked him.

“It was an essay. Like a show and tell one we were five. I was in public school and one of the girls said that she loved it when her grandpa came over because he gave her pony rides. I remember feeling sick and kind of just tuning myself out after that because for me, that meant something very different. I didn’t know that at the time though. But at recess, I asked her how she could talk about it and liking it if it hurt so much until he found her button…and…I didn’t really have the right language to describe what I was talking about in a way that she would understand but I remember crying because she said it didn’t hurt her and I started crying because I thought that meant I was doing something wrong.

Because Papa and Louis started making me play pony when I was about 3,” Teddy said looking up at me his eyes looking wet.

“Teddy you do…”

“No, it’s ok. I’m ok. I want to,” he said as I nodded my head allowing him to continue, “The way they used to play pony was they would tell me they wanted me to ride their pony and then I’d have to take off my pants and sit on their…on their cocks and let them…you know. Even though it hurt. That’s what I thought she was talking about. But she was talking about bouncing up and down on their knee or how sometimes they would get down on their hands and knees and let her ride on their back. She wasn’t talking about …you know. But I thought she was… It was after that Papa pulled me out of school and they started working to…put St. Matthews in place. Just so I could have friends. So that wouldn’t happen again. So, some girl wouldn’t make me cry when she started talking about playing pony because they would all be boys who played pony the same way I did. That was when I finally really truly understood I think. In that moment. That we were really different. Our family was different.”

“That must have been scary. Thinking you did something wrong,” I said saying the only thing I could think of to fill the silence.

“I remember thinking how Papa and Louis were probably mad at me because They would always ask me if it felt good and I would lie. That if they found out I was lying I’d be in trouble. Because it really…it doesn’t feel good. It’s bad enough when you’re that size and they are forcing their way in its worse when they let gravity do it for them. Even with peg training, it’s…it hurts. A lot. With the ones I can talk about that if we want. It doesn’t matter because no one cares what we say. I don’t have to pretend I like it or that it’s fun. I can just say how much it fucking sucks,” Teddy said as he cut the sandwich he was making me in half and pushed the plate across the counter.

“You don’t have to pretend with me either Ted,” I told him.

“Not when it’s just us, no,” he said his eyes shifting to gaze at the little form that was sitting on the couch behind him, “It scares him. I don’t want him to have to be scared until he understands. And he doesn’t yet. I can’t even bring myself to ask him if…if papa has…you know…like I think he has but Luke hasn’t ever said anything about anything other than just Papa so…I have no idea. Papa didn’t even do it to me the first time. He let Louis. So, I honestly don’t know. It scares me though.”

“I could ask him,” I told Teddy. “If you want me to.”

He was saying he wasn’t sure of Lionel had ever made Luke have sex with anyone else but him and Louis. Maybe Teddy too. The idea scared me a little bit. It was hard enough for me to imagine Da doing it, Uncle Ben let alone someone else. Da letting someone else do those things to them. It tore me apart knowing that Da had let Lionel do that to James. That I had let Lionel do that to James.

“No,” Teddy said shaking his head, “Maybe it’s better to let him tell me when he’s ready. Maybe it’s better if he never tells me. How does Jay usually act after…you know?”

“Scared. Last time, he huh he came to my room and he wouldn’t leave. He spends a lot of time in my room. He doesn’t like his own clothes. When we were in Montana anyone simply just talking about your…the leader he wet himself. He doesn’t…I mean he’s 6. How well can you expect a six-year-old to handle being raped?” I asked Teddy making sure I kept my voice low.

“Right,” Teddy said nodding his head in agreement as I started to eat my sandwich, “Is he the one you’re most worried about? He seems really close to you, like Luke is with me but, all Luke and I really have is each other so I’m just wondering.”

“He’s probably scared to death,” I honestly said thinking about him carefully intently.

The last time he had seen me Da had asked me to go downstairs that night. He hadn’t raped me, but I was pretty sure he would have if it weren’t for the fact that he couldn’t stop crying because John was ok just in the psych hospital. I was supposed to eventually come back and that had been four days previous. Once again, I thought about how scared they probably were. The only one they get to depend on not to hurt them that was still there being Alice.

“Does he have separation anxiety? Like he thinks something bad is going to happen if he can’t see you?” Teddy asked me.

Yeah, he did. He always repeated the one thing I had told him to get him to calm down that one time. That if we were together things would be ok. Whenever one of us left the house he got nervous and upset. He had experienced nightmares for weeks in Montana and I had heard mum talking to Carmen about it. How she had asked him why he thought he was having them and why he seemed to be so nervous. He had told her it was because we weren’t all together and we should be because that was the only way things would be ok.

The thought making me worry about how Alice was handling that. Him and Matty’s mood swings. Mike’s quiet stoicism and Catty’s constant chatter and curiosity. Sometimes they asked weird questions. The same weird questions repeatedly like they were just trying to understand what was happening. Why Da did the things he did and why he allowed other people to do the things to us that they did. I wasn’t sure how Alice would handle that. How anything was being handled the idea making me that much more anxious to get back home where I needed to be.

“Yeah,” I answered.

“Luke gets like that after spending alone time with Papa,” Teddy said, “I’m glad to know he isn’t weird. He just wants me to hold him. He doesn’t really cry but he’s…he shivers. Like he’s cold.”

“Shock,” I answered.

“No, fear. You were in shock. Travis and Josh read a lot. Disassociation and not being able to…just like remember stuff and whatnot that’s a type of emotional shock which Sergei in and of himself is a shock to anyone,” Teddy said, “him it’s just fear.”

“Are you sure you didn’t learn this from watching the discovery channel?” I asked him.

“I could have. I don’t know. It’s good background noise,” Teddy told me, “Josh does it sometimes though.”

“I think Luke and you both told me that,” I said, “Was he here the whole time?”

“Huh,” Teddy said, “He left yesterday afternoon. So, he was mostly here.”

“What did he do to me?” I asked Teddy again.

“What he normally does,” Teddy said, “I wasn’t there but I heard him talking with mom about it on the phone.”

“Did he say…?”

“I’m going to get Sasha,” Teddy said frowning at me, “Come on. LUKE! Luke, I need your help. Can you help me take Will to his room?”

“Is he about to go away again? Like Josh does?” Luke asked quietly getting up from the couch.

“I…don’t know,” Teddy told him, “Will, do you feel dizzy or does your head feel foggy?”

“I…,” I did feel like I was swimming through fog, “I don’t…I…”

“Ok. Luke, I need you to stick your head out and tell whoever you see that they need to get Dr. Palmer up here now. Ok? Come on man, come on…we’re going to go lay down,” Teddy said pulling my arm around his shoulder.

He was right I was going into shock. I was having a panic attack. Lionel had raped me even more and I couldn’t even remember it. While my brother was in hell and my other siblings had no one. It felt so wrong. Everything just felt so wrong. I heard Luke open the door and shout Teddy dragging me to the room that was set up for me and making me lie down on the bed.

“Is your stomach upset?” he asked to which I nodded my head, “I’m going to go get a bucket. You don’t look so good.”

There was a loud sound and dr. Palmer appeared, “Hi Will. Oh, kiddo. Ok, I’m going to give you a shot. It should help. Foggy feeling? Shortness of breath, Stomach upset?”

I nodded my head before I felt it Teddy shoving the bucket into Dr. Palmer's hand before I started vomiting. My whole body still hurt, and I was over anxious. Apparently, vomiting isn’t that uncommon when your anxiety is so high it’s upsetting your stomach. All I could think about as how badly I wanted to go home. How badly I needed to get home. That was all I remember thinking about as Dr. Palmer administered the shot he had promised.


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will is still at the Villa learning more things about the brotherhood. Lionel returns from his trip before Will is allowed to return home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1286 to 1299. A lot of warnings here very serious **warnings that I want you all to pay attention to. This describes sexual acts (forced) with a very underage child. It's dark and disturbing and not something you should just read without taking into consideration how it will affect you.** Just know that while I can write something like this like everything else I write I do not believe it is something that should ever be done to anyone ever. Let alone a small child who is too young to understand what is happening to them, or what they are being forced to do. I believe that no child can consent to sexual activity and therefore whether it is violent or not this is a type of rape or sexual assault. Will is only doing what he thinks is best for the well being of this child even though he doesn't want to participate in what's happening. He is just as much a victim in this circumstance as this younger child is. You have been warned. **Warnings: Rape/non-con, Forced Anal, forced oral, mental health issues, anxiety, thoughts of self-injury, talk of rape, talk of human trafficking, talk of imprisonment. John's Part 2 chapter 12**

Next thing I remember there was a hand running through my hair and it smelled like…like him. Causing me to open my eyes and sit up nearly running face first into his. I didn’t want him to touch me. To be there. I wanted him to leave.

“It’s ok little one. I’m here,” Lionel said using his other arm to push me back, to keep me lying down.

Why wouldn’t he let me up? I didn’t want to lie down with him there. I didn’t want to be near him. I wanted to go home. The last thing I wanted was him above me. Pushing me down.

“Are you ok little one?” He asked me his eyes trained on me, unblinking as he continued to stroke my hair.

“Yes, Daddy L,” I answered quietly.

“Good, I’m going to do something. Sasha was supposed to put it back in place, but I see he got caught up in his other duties. So, if you could assist me,” Lionel said looking at me before he stood up going over to the dresser that was in the room.   
That’s when I first noticed it was when he picked it up. It was a harness. A leather harness that looked like it was stepped into a tapered black plug secured to one side. The somehow unhooked the plug from the rest of the device and noticed it looked like a pair of underwear. I knew what it was. I didn’t want to put it on. According to Teddy I had been wearing one for days and he had taken it off before he had left. Now that he was back I had to put it back on. 

Every time you move with a plug in it feels like you have to shit yourself only you can’t. It’s like walking around with a dick inside you only worse because there isn’t any give. Your body has to adapt to the plug, your movement, bending feels like your being stabbed inside if you do it the wrong way. The whole thing hurts. 

“This one is a little bigger than the one we extracted. It’s about the size of well…you’ll be ready for circulation at the next party,” he said smiling at me as he watched my face fall.

“Daddy L?” I asked him, “Do we have to put it back in?”

“If you want to leave this room with me today, yes little one. I know It’s uncomfortable, but I would like to show you something. I want you secure in case we get separated for whatever reason. It will help protect you. I’m sure you can understand.   
Especially being such an exquisite boy how it might be dangerous to get separated from me,” he said, “Now stand up and bend over, spread yourself open.”

“Daddy L please?” I asked him again.

“You don’t I will be forceful. And then we can find someone else to wear one as well. I wonder how…who was it? Eddie? Eddie would feel about wearing a harness with you. What do you think?” he asked me.

Ok so, I wasn’t getting out of it. So, I could bend over and spread my cheeks and he could shove a butt plug into me while inflicting as little pain as possible on me. Or the second choice. I could let him do it to me and another boy, a little boy and he would probably do it in one of the most painful ways possible.

I nodded my head standing up before I bent over the bed grabbing myself by the cheeks and spreading them open. Closing my eyes. I felt his finger something cold on slimy on it as he leaned over top of me kissing the back of my neck. I wanted to scream but instead ended up gasping. I wanted him not…

“I love your boy pussy little one. Such a precious thing. Maybe we’ll enjoy each other later?” he asked me sliding the plug past my first ring of muscle before slowly pushing it the rest of the way in the pressure making my stomach rebel, “Good boy. You put up a lot more resistance last time I changed it.”

“It hurts,” I told him.

“I wouldn’t describe it as painful but more a pressure. An uncomfortable pressure, however, in the end, it will benefit you. Trust me little one I only have your best interest in mind. Come with me,” he said helping me stand up before he bent over and held open the other part of it, “I need you to step in so it will lock in place.”

I sighed doing as I was told. As he pressed the leather harness part up against my crack until he heard a click meaning that the harness had locked to the plug inside of me before he took what looked like a belt and wrapped it through the loop on the front of the underwear before placing a padlock on it.

“Why do you look so sad my little one?” he asked me frowning his eyes full of concern.

I hated when he did that. Acted like he cared. Looked like me like he cared. Sometimes I almost believed it. But he didn’t. If he ever cared about me he wouldn’t have made me do the things that he made me do. 

I wanted to go home. I didn’t want to wear a chastity harness. I didn’t want to be there. Someone needed to be with my siblings and no one was. Only Alice.

“You know we communicate with each other,” Lionel told me, “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“I…I want to go home,” I said quietly.

“You’ll go home later today. I’ll probably drop you off myself. I need to check on something,” Lionel told me smiling, “Let’s go.”

He offered me his hand and I took it. Not seeing any other choice in the matter. There wasn’t any use in protesting or fighting or trying to stop him from taking me where ever we were going. However, I don’t remember being nervous until we walked out of the wing and into the main area. Him holding my hand as we walked down the hallway sometimes seeing a man pass by with a boy. Sometimes the boy was naked and sometimes he was wearing a white robe that was like my red one.

“William this is the main house. As I’m sure you realized. We conduct business here. When someone is on rotation and they are picked they go to a room with the door open and they please the handler, however, he wishes,” Lionel explained to me for some reason as someone came out of one of the room’s up the corridor, “Harris is that you?”

“Yes sir,” a naked guy said turning around and smiling sheepishly at Lionel.

“I thought you were working? I’m not just paying you to torment them but also keep an eye out and we have a very special guest at the vacation house that you should be there with,” Lionel said.

“I don’t go in until 6 pm sir,” the guy apparently named Harris said, “He is very special indeed I agree with that.”

“You’ve been enjoying him?” Lionel asked his interest perked.

“He’s an angel. Even his begging is perfect. I can’t imagine how he didn’t end up with me sooner,” Harris said smiling and Lionel.  
“Well, there was a little bit of a setback in getting them acclimated to our ways. Mom made a semi-successful abduction but they’re all back now. Before that his father was rather soft with him, with all of them really,” Lionel said using my own body weight to pull me forward before wrapping his arms around my shoulders hugging me close to his body.

“Well, we’ll fix that. He would be ideal. With that impressive asset of his. Do you know which team he plays for?” Harris asked Lionel.

“No, some of them can be indecisive in my experience though up until they are 19 or 20. This one is related, and he’s very much decided. Haven’t you little one?” Lionel asked before starting to nip and kiss at my ear from behind making me cringe.

I had figured they were talking about us, about John when Lionel had mentioned how mom had managed to get us away for a while. I knew because I wasn’t stupid. It was weird though to hear him ask about John’s sexuality. Whether he was gay or not. I was pretty sure he wasn’t. That Pat was just important, but I wasn’t about to tell Lionel or this guy that. Not when he was talking about how John could beg perfectly or how he had certain things about him that made him desirable. 

“Does he have the same asset his brother does?” Harris asked his eyes wandering from my head to the tips of my toes. I closed my eyes, so I didn’t have to watch him do it. Watch him look at me like I was a thing instead of a person.

“He’s not nearly as well-endowed but still very nicely equipped,” Lionel told him, “I would let you see but, we’re in the middle of something right now.”

“Are you really going to take him to that?” Harris asked Lionel frowning.

“I did just tell you they allowed their mother to abduct them. Not just the two of them either but also their siblings. Some of which are very fresh and therefore very important. This one on his own is very…,” Lionel bent down holding me still by the throat rather forcefully as he ran his tongue down the nape of my neck to the top of my shoulder blades, “Special to me.”

“I can see that. And he is exquisite,” Harris said, “How come he doesn’t have the same hair as the other one?”

“Recessive trait. Inherited from their incubator,” Lionel said.

That was my mum. She wasn’t some container. She was my mum. She wasn’t a factory. She…I wanted to yell at him. To tell him off my feelings probably showing on my face causing Harris to chuckle.

“I think you upset your pretty toy,” Harris said.

“A true mother would actually care about the wellbeing of her children. Taking them away from a stable father with a stable income and a roof over their head along with a secure future isn’t providing for their wellbeing. She might as well have sold them. From what I understood of the situation when they were found she was very close to doing so.

Working three jobs just to keep a leaking roof over their heads. He wants to love her fine but she’s no better than an egg donor because she obviously doesn’t care about what’s best for them. If she did she would never have attempted to leave,” Lionel said out loud to Harris before muttering in my ear his grip squeezing briefly on my throat as he whispered, “she doesn’t love you. No one loves you the way I do.”

None of that was true. She had been trying to save us. Trying to save me from him before she even knew what he was doing. Only that I was being hurt. That Da and Uncle Ben were hurting me, hurting all of us and that was bad enough, important enough to her to attempt escape.

That meant she loved me even though it had been hard. At the time I hadn’t understood exactly how hard it had been for her, but I knew she was sacrificing things for us, to keep us safe. To give us a chance to feel safe and get past all the things they had made us do. All the horrible things they had…

“He really is pretty,” Harris muttered looking at me Lionel making a clicking sound with his tongue and taking a step back, so we were out of reach, “Hands to yourself. This one is mine.”

“Oh, I see,” Harris said nodding his head, “Well, have fun.”

“Oh, we will,” Lionel said, “Have a good day and take care of that one. I have plans for him.”

“Yes sir,” Harris said before walking away as we continued down the hallway past him and to a stairwell at the end of the hall.

It was the same stairwell he had taken me down to get to the studio. Me body freezing as he continued forward before he felt my arm tug. I didn’t want to go back down there. What if Josh was down there? Sergei? What if…?

“It’s ok little one,” he told me.

It wasn’t ok. I wasn’t ok. I wanted to scream and beg him. I couldn’t though. I knew I couldn’t. I didn’t want to go back down to that room though. Knowing that he was going to…

“It’s ok little one,” he tried to assure me again, “I just want to show you something.”

He tugged gently on my arm, I took a reluctant step forward, following him again trying to disconnect. Telling myself it was ok. That whatever happened I just had to do it and be ok, so I could go home. He said he wanted to show me something not …touch me. So maybe it would be ok.

“That’s it my little one,” he said, “My good boy. Always so shy.”

He unlocked the door at the bottom of the stairs taking us back down into the basement him turning and looking at me, “Now you know what’s behind the door with the red light above it but just down the hall. We’re not going in there is another studio. We call it the morgue. Do you know why?”

“You kill people there,” I barely managed to whisper.

“That’s right. We do have another room that is a smaller studio that is private. Would you like to see it?”

I instinctively tried to get him to let go of my hand and when he didn’t I put my other hand over my mouth. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to do that again. I didn’t want any more cameras. I didn’t want any more guys touching me. I didn’t want to…

“It’s ok little one. There’s nothing to be upset about. Come this way,” he said walking over to another door. This one had a small blue light above some sort of light switch Lionel just opening the door. 

I don’t know what I was expecting. Whether I was expecting him to throw me down, or if I was expecting him to tell me to strip and a room full of metal and sex toys or what but that was not what I saw. I saw a little boy playing with a teddy bear on the bed. Probably no older than Andy. If he was older than Andy it was just barely him smiling at us and waving sheepishly at me as he looked at me.

He was only wearing a pull up. His curly brown hair trimmed neatly as he smiled at me at Lionel blinking his fist, “L…L,” he said in a baby murmur.

“I’m right here,” Lionel said grabbing something off the table beside the door a mask fixing it to his face. My brain remembering back to what Dr. Palmer had told me. That usually if they put a mask on it meant there was a camera recording. 

“No,” I dared to whisper my brain understanding why we were there. Me outright refusing to do that. Especially to someone so little.

“You don’t I will,” Lionel said, “Come here little one. Surely you don’t want to cause him any pain? Think of it this way. What would hurt him more your 3 and a half inches or my 6?”

I was about to puke. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t make myself do it. Lionel frowning at me as he picked the baby up from the bed who held out his arms for him. He allowed Lionel to pick him up to kiss the top of his head.

“Little A this is my very special friend W, W this is little A,” he told me, “Why don’t you disrobe and come play with us?”

I shook my head again. Lionel giving me a smile an evil smile before he set the boy he called little A down on the bed and grabbed his hand held it before he bent back one of his fingers making him shriek and scream in pain.

Had he really? He just broke his finger. He was 2 and Lionel had just broken his little finger with a smile on his face.

“Come here W, come play with us. Look he’s crying. He wants you to play with him,” Lionel said still smiling his eyes cold, colder than I had ever seen them, “I’ll break a bone for every no I get. Disrobe and come here.”

I couldn’t let him do that. Not to that little boy. Just having his finger bent, broken made it sound like he was dying. He was crying like the world was about to end. My brain imaging it was Andy. That Andy would cry exactly that same way and just like Andy he didn’t deserve that pain. Me nodding my head in submission.

“Use your words,” Lionel told me.

“Yes, Daddy L,” I spit out loosening the tie holding my robe closed. The only thing left on being my chastity belt.

Looking at it just made me think of what I was about to do. How I had never…my face glowing red as I thought about it. How I didn’t want to do that. Want it to be like that. 

“What’s going on little one?” Lionel asked me as he saw my face flush.

“Me!” Little A said loudly jumping on Lionel’s back and kissing him softly.

“The other little one little A,” Lionel said, “Stay here.”

“What’s wrong little one?” Lionel asked coming up to me, hugging me.

“I’ve…,” I trailed off.

I had never penetrated anyone and here he was asking me to do it to a two-year-old. A baby. With Beau, I had used my fingers because I really wasn’t big enough to do anything with my actual penis at the time. I didn’t want the first time I ever did that to be with a screaming baby who didn’t want it. Who was screaming because I was hurting them. Making them feel pain.

“But I thought you had…when you admitted to relations what did that entail?” he finally asked me.

Just hearing the question made me realize he had never even bothered to ask before. Just assumed that it was with someone close to my age. Maybe he had assumed all along I had penetrated someone. Used my body to enter theirs like how an adult man was supposed to do it. A straight man or a top. All I had used to give Beau pleasure was the same thing they always took. My body and my mouth. Other than that, I had used my fingers.

Lionel made a sound of annoyance in the back of his throat before he grabbed me hard by the shoulders pulling me forward and yanking the door open behind me hitting the switch the amount of light or direction of light switching making the room seem brighter at the same time.

“Tell me. He doesn’t understand little one. Just tell me what you did when you soiled yourself,” Lionel told me.

“I…,” I sighed trying to bring myself to tell him what exactly had happened without letting him know how old Beau was.

“Now is not the time to be your delectable shy little self. Did you fuck your friend? Use your love muscle the way a man should?”

I couldn’t even speak all I could do was shake my head. Lionel’s hand going to my chin gently tilting my face upward, so he could see me. Him smiling at me before kissing my forehead.

“We’ll share this then. Ok my little one? It’ll be special just like it was meant to be,” he told me.

He grabbed my face with both of his hands shoving his tongue in my mouth before I could protest before I could get a sound out. My brain very aware that there was a little boy watching us, watching Lionel attempt to lick my tonsil’s. Watching his one hand move excitedly to the back of my neck so that I couldn’t pull away as he fumbled with the tie on his own robe, his kiss getting harsh, hurting.

Making my lips feel like they were swelling, making me wish I could scream but knowing he would like it. Lionel smiling at me as he got his robe open and let go of my neck looking at me.

“You’re always so beautiful. How are you so beautiful little one?” he asked me.

“Pity,” Little A said from the bed causing Lionel to smile in his direction.

“Yes, you are very pretty little A. Just give me one minute,” he said opening the door and hitting the switch again, “Come here beautiful,” he said his hand immediately going to the back of my neck again his tongue back into my mouth.

I didn’t…he picked me up, using the harness to lift my weight up and wobble us towards the bed. little A giggling as he nearly tripped causing my back to hit the mattress making the whole bed bounce slightly as his weight hit it too, my legs still dangling off the foot of the bed before he started fumbling with the padlock at my waist.

He was being rough. His nails digging into the nape of my neck not letting me break the kiss. The pressure he used increasing with each second until I whimpered into his mouth. The noise breaking loose from our kiss before he finally released me.

“You want me to fuck you little one?” he asked me.

“YES!” Little A shouted causing Lionel to laugh.

“Not you, however, you should take off your pull-up, so you can play with us. Do you want to play with us?” Lionel asked him before he undid the belt and unhooked the plug from the weird harness I was wearing pulling those off so the rest of me was exposed.

“Do you want me to make you feel good?” Lionel asked me, “say it.”

He said the last part so quietly I’m not sure if he actually said it or just mouthed the words at me. At that point, I was sure he would hurt the laughing and giggling happy little creature that was bouncing on the bed beside us somewhere. His brain not processing what he was seeing, what was happening right in front of him.

“Fuck me, Daddy,” I muttered knowing it was what he wanted to hear. That it would keep that little boy that had no idea what was going on safe at least for a couple of minutes.

“That’s my sexy boy,” Lionel muttered before his mouth latched to my throat. 

He started sucking so hard it hurt the little boy still bouncing on the bed next to us. Lionel pulling his face away from my neck smiling, “You see how much I love you little one?” he asked me grabbed my hand and forcing the white fabric keeping his genitals covered to the side showing them off, letting his balls and penis slide out of the pouch as he forced my hand against his skin, “This is because you’re so sexy. Because I love you so much. Because you’re such a sexy sweet boy my little one.”

I wanted to scream. Feeling sick inside especially when little A saw what he was doing, what he was making me do and came over opening his mouth and sucking his cheeks in forming a fish mouth before putting his hand on the warm skin of his penis next to mine Lionel smiling and nodding his head encouragingly.

“You want to play too? Would you like to nurse sweet little A? I have something you can nurse on,” Lionel said the little boy giggling in response.

Lionel reached forward his hand grazing my penis, rubbing against it causing it to start to stiffen little A seeing what he was doing watching him intently.

“L…” I started a hand instantly going over my mouth.

“Now, now you know better,” Lionel told me, “If you feel the need to be tied up you also feel the need to break bones and they may not be yours do you understand little one?”

So, he was going to hurt this kid if I did anything he didn’t want me to do. If I didn’t make it look…like I wanted to do it. Like I wanted to do those things with this toddler, infant. It was up to me to keep him safe. To keep his bones from getting broken.  
“Lay back little one,” Lionel muttered before kissing me.

I remember thinking about how unfair it was. That I had to do it. That I had no choice and no control. Lionel licking down my chest. Down to my stomach, “Do you want to try it A? It’s a new way to play the tickle game.”

“Tickle tickle?” A murmured in question.

“Yes, tickle tickle little A, just…,” Lionel ran his tongue down the center of my chest to my belly button, “Just like that.”

A leaned over me licking one long streak as far as he could before he giggled and smiled. my whole body shuddered. It felt wrong. His whole body was too small. Him having to stop and physically get up and move to continue down the trail of saliva Lionel had left behind in the center of my body.

“You want me to suck you?” Lionel asked me running his hands through the baby’s hair as he licked at my belly button.

“boo boo butt,” he said pointing at where his tongue had just been.

“Close, belly button,” Lionel corrected him the boy saying something in gibberish in response.

“Say it little one. Let me suckle you…,” he said before taking me into his mouth completely with no warning.

My body hadn’t been ready for that wetness, that shock. my whole body going stiff, freezing over as I gasped. This little boy didn’t need to be watching this. I felt tiny fingers in my belly button before I felt his tiny tongue my hand going up to push him away to stop him Lionel somehow seeing it and squeezing my wrists hard.

“hihnmm,” I whimpered as Lionel stopped a line of spit connecting his mouth to my penis.

“Be nice,” Lionel warned me, “As much as this is hurting your arm imagine what else could hurt. Look at him. Look at that little face. Do you want to watch it turn blue? Be choked? No? Then I suggest you behave. Say it, tell me what you want.”

“S…su…suck me,” I barely managed before I whimpered again trying not to cry.

I didn’t want to do this. A touching the tip of my penis. Lionel smiling at his natural curiosity as to what was going on, “You should taste it little A. It tastes good. Just try it just…” Lionel said sticking his tongue out and running it along the back of my shaft and then up over my tip making my whole body shiver.

A frowned bending close looking at Lionel watching Lionel do it again before he poked the tip of my penis with his finger again smiling as he looked at Lionel and clapping his little hands excitedly, “Yay!” he said.

“Use your mouth. He’ll like your mouth even better. You’d love to have A nurse on you wouldn’t you little one? Nurse on you until your eyes roll and your muscles spasm,” Lionel asked me nodding his head in encouragement. Telling me to say it. To agree with him.

“Yes, Daddy L,” I said just saying that little bit making me feel sick, “A you…” I couldn’t bring myself to ask about it. I didn’t want him to.

I didn’t want to do that with a baby. Not ever. And he was making it into a game for him, for A who didn’t understand what was happening. What they were doing with my body. I had no choice but to lay there and let him do it. 

Otherwise, he was going to hurt him. He was going to break another finger which he seemed to have mostly forgotten had happened. Or maybe he hadn’t really broken it at all but just pretended he had to get me to agree to what he was making me do.

Lionel held me in his hand. His hand almost feeling too hot as I tried to stay still hoping that if I went still I wouldn’t have to feel it. Feel the difference of A’s tongue compared to Lionel’s as I closed my eyes. The feeling not…it’s a feeling you don’t forget. A tongue that little. Doing that when you know it’s not supposed to. When you know it’s wrong but if you fight back, push, cry, scream anything…you’re sure. You’re positive it’s going to be your fault whatever happens to that kid happens.

You’re going to know if he gets hurt it’s because of you. Because of what you did. Lionel grabbing my left hand and making me put it on the back of A’s head as he licked and giggled. Before Lionel made him move me feeling a weight on my chest. Not a lot but just enough. Probably 30 pounds of it me continuing to feel that weight.

I opened my eyes and he was laying vertically down my body. His body on top of mine his lower legs up in the air near my collarbone as he licked and giggled Lionel watching him, licking his lips as he stood across the room grabbing something.   
Something that I couldn’t see in the dim light.

“Hi, little one? Are you enjoying yourself?” Lionel asked me as I tried my best to remain still.

Like I said I was hoping if I remained still I wouldn’t have to feel it. Feel what that baby was doing. How he was using even his lips to stimulate me like someone had already taught him how to do it. How to orally please someone. The idea making me sick that I wasn’t the first person he’d been forced to “play” with like that.

“You look like you’re enjoying yourself,” Lionel told me, “That swollen pink fruit. You’re going to give him a lot of yummy juice. I hope there’s some left over for me. Do you want me to take that plug out? Give you something real?”

No. No, it was bad enough what was already happening. Lionel pushing my knees up into my armpits careful that he didn’t disturb A and what he was doing. How he was sitting on me running his tongue over my tip. Making me squeak even though I tried to be silent. Tried to be still.

“This is going to feel slightly odd,” Lionel said as I felt him pulling on it.

Pulling the plug that was still inside me. Him telling me to push down. To help him get a grip on it and pull it out. It almost burned. The feeling of him pulling it out of me that sharp pressure that had been sitting on the inside of my body suddenly subsiding causing me to sigh deeply before I felt his finger as he smiled at me.

“Are you ready for me, little one? Nice and open for your Daddy?” he asked me.

I wanted to move, to sit up, to get away but I had a baby on my chest, doing those things with his tongue. The sensation just enough to keep my body aware that it was happening but not enough pressure to do much more than that. However, that didn’t make the realization that there was a two-year-old performing oral sex on me when he didn’t even know what oral sex was any easier to deal with.

The feeling of him pushing into me made me want to scream my insides felt so raw. Probably a combination of the plug and what he had made me do before that point. That didn’t stop him from making me beg for it though.

I don’t remember what happened after only that I blinked and the next moment I was in the car wearing the same pants I had been wearing when Uncle Ben had grabbed me and pulled me from Da’s room. When Da had told Uncle Ben to get rid of me.  
When I got home I couldn’t even…I had let him make me do that. And I should have fought. But I hadn’t. I had been too stupid and too fucking scared to fight back. To keep him from making that little boy…I remember looking at my siblings and feeling like I couldn’t breathe. Like if I touched them I would defile them. That I was that disgusting. 

It was a Saturday and late afternoon. I remember Alice saying something to me, but I can’t recall what. Only that I told her I had to shower.

Something I must have said or done probably told her something was wrong because next thing I remember there was a knock on my bathroom door. I’d been there for a while. For so long the water was cold and I thought it was probably James or Mike, but I wasn’t ready to talk to them. To even look at them. Not that I deserved to anyway. I was no better than them. Then Da. Lionel, all of them.

There was another loud knock on my door banging.

“Go away!” I barely managed.

“Hey,” I heard Cole’s voice, “Hey…it’s…”

“Don’t say it. It’s not, it’s…” at that point I started screaming.

“Ok, ok,” Cole said hugging me climbing into the tub with me, “I know and even though you don’t want me to say it I’m going to, it’s not your fault and you’re ok.”

“He…”

“I know,” Cole said holding me tight, “I know. Can I ask how old th…”?

“2 maybe 3,” I managed before I started sobbing again.

“You’re not that guy. You’re not that guy,” Cole murmured rocking me softly as I cried the motion somehow making me feel better. Making me scream less. 

How could he even say that? I had done it. My body had done it. He hadn’t made me rape the kid, but he had still…how could my body even do that? How could…? That was a baby. He was a baby and my body had…

“You wouldn’t ever do that if he wouldn’t have made you. It might have been your body he used but he was the one who hurt that little boy not you. Never you ok?” Cole told me.

I wanted to believe him, but I couldn’t. I hadn’t felt that kids tongue doing those things. Feeling so much smaller. So…wrong.

“It was him. He did it, not you. Not you,” Cole murmured.

I just wanted my mum. It didn’t feel right, sound right. I needed them. I didn’t need Cole. I need my brother and my mum. I needed them to tell me I wasn’t disgusting. That I wasn’t a slut and a…pervert.

“I still…,” I started Cole hushing me.

“Don’t worry about it,” Cole told me, “It wasn’t you. He used you. Just like he’ll always use you until he’s tired of you. It really wasn’t you though.”

“Do you know why?” I asked him, “why he wou…”

“No,” Cole said, “If I did have an answer I would tell you. I swear. I know it’s…I’m sorry.”

I shrugged my shoulders numbness overcoming me. If I thought about it anymore I would have to rip myself apart. I would. I wanted to cut. To cut so deep I could see bone. See blood. Watch everything he had done just slowly drip down my arms and drain away.

Honestly, that’s probably why Cole had climbed into the tub with me because he knew. He knew that’s what I would be thinking once I had calmed down enough, once I had quit sobbing and gone back to being me instead of indulging that little boy inside me that had always wanted to scream but never felt like he could. Not until Montana, not really.


	51. Chapter 51

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will talks to Cole about his desires. Will is taken on an unexpected outing left to wonder what his life has become. A little boy accusing him of lying as he does everything in his power to protect him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1299 to 1322. Now just a disclaimer. I am in no way associated with Disney this is a story of fiction. Has this happened to someone at some point? Perhaps but any similarities to real events are coincidental and remember Disney has nothing to do with anything it's just a location that happened to be picked because it's well known. I am in no way implying that Dinsey or it's related afflicates are involved in illegal activities. **Warnings: pornography, mental health issues, anxiety, molestation, sexual harassment, sexual abuse, sexuality, puberty** Probably assume this is **John POV part 2 Chapter 13**

I closed my eyes and just sat there with him in silence. Him resting his chin on the top of my head as he held me, his arms wrapped around my shoulders. It felt nice. Even his wet cold shirt against my back felt nice, safe. The feeling of his hands on my arms somehow relaxing, freeing and not restrictive. Not like them.

“Thanks,” I muttered quietly.

“It’s nothing,” Cole said shrugging his shoulders behind me, “If you need to talk about it I’m here ok? I wish I could tell you this was the end of it but…”

“I know it’s not,” I told him turning around to look at him.

His mouth was only inches from mine. His lips that same rose petal pink they always were. Soft looking, my brain trying to remember what they had felt like, if they really felt as soft as they looked Cole smiling at me and clearing his throat, “We can’t.”

“Is…?” I trailed off not even sure what I was trying to ask.

If it would be that bad. If it was because he really didn’t want to because I was some stupid kid. Or if it was because it made him feel dirty, like them. Or if it was simply because I was his, I belonged to him and didn’t have a right to kiss anyone he didn’t give me permission to kiss. Not sure if I really wanted to hear the answer to any of those questions as it died on my lips.

“It’s complicated. I’m going to go,” Cole said letting me go and trying to get me to move so he could stand up and climb out of the tub.

“I want to feel you,” I blurted out suddenly feeling my face turn red with the admission.

“I won’t and you know why,” Cole said, “I’m with Tosh. I can’t…I won’t do that. I’d be dead if even admitted I thought about it. So please move, I’m going to go home. And…try to convince myself I am not a pervert for suddenly becoming very aware you’re very naked.”

“I am naked,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “No one has to know. I wouldn’t tell anyone.”

“Alice would know,” Cole said nodding his head sounding sure of it, “I would know. I …yeah. I’ll see you later.”

“Just a kiss!?” I asked him probably more loudly than I had meant to.

“Sorry,” Cole said finally managing to get out from behind me.

I had decided that I wasn’t going to trap him there and I wasn’t going to make him push me away. That obviously he didn’t want to be there. He didn’t feel the same way I did anymore.

“Cole he…,” I trailed off clenching my eyes close so tightly they hurt refusing to cry about it. Refusing to admit I wanted Cole to kiss me, make out with me so I didn’t have to feel his tongue anymore. His fingers nails digging into my neck as he stole my ability to breathe. As he let that little boy do those things to me. A baby that didn’t understand what he was doing was wrong. That it was something I wasn’t ok with because if I fought back his little bones would be broken.

“I can’t. Anyone ever finds out I’m dead before I can do what I need to. If you weren’t his, it would be different. But I can’t,” Cole told me shaking his head looking like he himself wanted to cry, “I’m sorry.”

With that, he got up and left me sitting in the bottom of the tub shutting the door behind him. A couple minutes later Mike opening the door without knocking Andy holding his hand as he gave me a small smile looking at me.

“The curtain is open,” Mike pointed out quietly as I reached up and closed it.

“I’m aware thank you,” I muttered.

“Are you ok Willy?” Mike dared to ask me.

“I’ll be fine,” I lied, “Where’s Alice?”

“Feeding the babies,” Mikey told me, “Andy and Laura eat with us now. Laura can almost use a fork like a big girl. Alice says it’s good for them.”

“Can we talk about what you told me on the phone?” I asked him.

“If you want,” Mike told me, “Are you sure?”

“We need to be honest,” I told him, “No secrets ok?”

“If I tell you and I’m honest with you will be honest with me?” Mike asked me quietly.

“Yeah. I’ll be honest,” I agreed, “Can you tell me what happened?”

“James was really sad because you didn’t come back upstairs. We all thought you would come back. He cried and screamed all night. Even after Alice put him to bed. He cried and screamed until I told him we would sleep in your room and that maybe you would come back super late. So we slept in here. He cried himself to sleep.

Around 6 in the morning we heard the lift and he instantly woke up and it was Da and he looked kind of mad. He told us you’d gone away and not to ask before we could even say anything. He took the day off. He stayed up here with even though Alice was here and he watched TV with us. He played tea party with Cat and read to Andy and Laura and the babies. He tried to get James to play Hotwheels with him but James wouldn’t so Da sent him to his room for being bad until after lunch. 

At lunchtime, Uncle Ben came back from somewhere. I don’t know where and he asked Da if he wanted to go swimming with us. With what he called us the boys. Daddy said Catty and Andy and Laura could come too so we went to the pool and they told us no suits. 

At first Catty didn’t want to swim because she didn’t want to be naked with us because she said we were boys then Da pointed out we were her brothers and we’d all seen her naked before and that Laura was naked and no one was paying attention or saying anything bad about it and that it was ok because we were related and that…we shared real love. So…it was ok. So she went swimming. First, she swam with Da in the deep end and then she made a funny noise and started squealing and so Da let her go and she went in the shallow end to play with Matty and that babies and us. And…”

“You think Da did something?” I asked him.

Mike just nodded his head and continued what he was saying, “Matty and I were helping Andy and Laura swim. They had floaties on. At first, it wasn’t a big deal but then I think Matty kept looking at him. Andy, and that he was…

“I'd naked. He hurt.” Andy spoke up quietly.

“Are you ok now?” I asked Andy.

“He’d mean, mean Matty,” he told me.

“Yeah, I know kiddo,” I told him, “Mean Matty.”

“Da yelled at him and Uncle Ben took him downstairs. We didn’t see him for a long time after that. He came back a couple hours before you did and he’s been in his room since. I think he made Da really mad,” Mike told me.

“What about you? Are you ok?” I asked him.

He gave me this look like he was thinking about something, about not telling me something before he sighed heavily, “Uncle Ben has a gray wall in his room.”

He did. He had a gray accent wall. I understood what he was telling me without him having to say anything else me nodding my head in response. Knowing it was his way of telling me he wasn’t ok. That it was probably the first time Uncle Ben had taken him into his bedroom. Probably made him spend the night there. 

“Are you ok though?” I asked him again repeating the question.

“I huh…” Mike shrugged his shoulders, “It could have hurt worse. So I guess I’m ok. I don’t know James and Andy have been having a really bad time. And Matty hasn’t been here so…I’ve been trying really hard to be good for Alice. So she can take care of the babies. I keep reading to them but I’m not that good at reading still. But we made a fort in the closet again and we’ve been hanging out there. Catty joined us for a little while. She wanted us to put on makeup and pretend it was a castle. The only way I convinced James to do it and make her happy was to tell him that the paint turned him into someone else. He used blue and put it all over his face and said he was superman. And then Catty decided she didn’t want to be a princess but she wanted to be wonder woman. It was cute though.

“Where is Laura?” I asked him.

“She wants to be with Alice. I think she misses mum. She keeps asking Alice where mum is,” Mike told me.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head.

“Where were you?” he asked me.

“The Villa,” I said the words barely above a whisper.

“They hurt you,” Mike said the words not coming out a question but a statement.

I nodded my head. No one needed to know about that. Anything that Lionel had made me do. The videos or the baby. Me looking at Andy and having to close my eyes remind myself of what Cole had said that it wasn’t me. That Lionel might have used my body to do it but that didn’t mean it was me. That I hadn’t hurt that kid, Lionel had. That Andy wasn’t that kid and that I wouldn’t do that to Andy.

“Willy owwie? Willy boo-boo?” Andy asked us.

“No buddy,” Mike said, “Not that type of boo boo. Are you going to be ok?” Mike asked me.

“Eventually,” I answered nodding my head, “Right now I just want to sleep.”

“Ok,” he told me nodding his head, “I…James is going to want to see you. Is…”

“Yeah, he’s fine,” I said nodding my head, “sent him in. I’ll be out in a little while.”

“Willy, whatever happened it’s ok,” Mike said before opening the curtain hugging me. 

He must have heard me sniffle or something. Me not realizing it until he was hugging me. Telling me it was ok. He kissed my cheek before sighing heavily, “I know I’m not John and I’m not mum but I love you. And you can talk to me if you want to ok Willy? I won’t tell anyone.”

“Thanks,” I said smiling wiping my face, “I’ll be ok. Really.”

With that, he shut the curtain leaving me alone to finish my shower. To relax and try to calm down. When I did wander out there was a sandwich sitting on my desk next to a Tupperware full of cookies and a six-year-old little boy in my bed blinking at me as I walked out of the bathroom. Hugh in his arms as he looked at me.

“You left,” he mumbled.

“Da made me go,” I told him.

“You were supposed to come back,” he said quietly.

“I did come back. Just a lot later than we expected. I’ll always try to come back ok? I can’t always tell it will be right away or when you need me but I’ll always try ok?” I told him feeling like utter shit.

Like I had let him down. Mum was gone and John. All they had was me. And Da had even taken me away. I hadn’t really put up a huge fight about it either I had been so shocked and so confused I had just done what I was told. Just gone through the motions. However, that decision was probably the only thing that allowed me to come back to them with no broken bones, no deaths that could be blamed on my actions. That being the only reason I was well enough to interact with them at all.  
“Da is getting meaner,” James said quietly as I sighed pulling on some clothes before climbing into bed with him.

“Yeah,” I agreed nodding my head, “Has Da been mean to you?”

“He came into my room last night. He said I’m supposed to play with the ba…the leader. That he wants to play with me too but he doesn’t want to ruin it. I don’t even know what that means,” he told me.

I pulled him close kissing the top of his head, “Don’t worry about that means ok? I’ll talk to Da. See if…see if I can get him to change his mind.”

“When he says play he means like Daddy plays with me,” James said, “When he makes me naked.”

I nodded my head.

“I don’t like playing like that,” he told me.

“I know. That’s why I’m going to talk to him,” I said.

I knew it wouldn’t help much but maybe I could convince Da to keep Lionel away from him for a little bit longer. If I was good and I just did what they wanted maybe they would let me keep Lionel away from James for a little bit longer. If I was really really good. Not like last time good but even better.

If I just did what I was told the first time maybe they would leave him alone. Maybe things would be ok at least for a little bit longer. At least until he was 8 or 9. I knew the chances of it working were slim but I had to try. For him, for Jay.

“Matty was bad,” James told me, “Daddy took him away for a while.”

“Mike told me,” I confirmed, “Was anyone else bad?” I asked him.

“Uncle Ben,” he told me quietly.

“How was Uncle Ben bad?” I asked him.

I’d been gone for four days. John had been gone for a week. When you’re young a week can feel like forever but as you get older it starts to feel like less and less time. I was sure a lot more had happened than just Matty molesting Andy. There had to be more. A lot more.

“Uncle Ben brought his friend over. His big friend,” James told me.

“You mean the fatter guy?” I asked.

“Yeah,” James said, “They didn’t really pay attention to me though they were playing with Andy and Mac. They brought them toys and it made Laura cry.”

“Were they alone with Andy and Mac at any point?” I asked him feeling like I was about to throw up.

“No, Andy had to potty and Uncle Ben tried to take him but Alice stopped him and said that if he did that Da was paying her for nothing. She got really mad about it and she took him instead,” James told me.

I closed my eyes and gave silent thanks to god. John had only been a year or two older when Uncle Ben had started doing things to him and then Da. I felt beyond grateful that someone up there was looking out for them when I couldn’t. That Alice was using her common sense.

“You were supposed to come back,” he muttered again squeezing me a little tight around the middle.

“And I’m here. I came back,” I told him.

“But Mummy didn’t come back. And John didn’t come back. He went blue and then he left. But he didn’t come back,” he told me quietly, “When people leave they don’t come back.”

Now hearing that broke my heart. He thought they weren’t coming back. It made me wonder if Da had any news about John. If he did if he had actually told them about it. Or mum. It didn’t seem like it. A knock on my door making James jump in my arms as I held him. The person not waiting for me to tell them to come in letting me know it wasn’t Alice. 

Da was standing there. Looking at us, watching me stare at him as I held him tightly in my arms him sighing, “James, I need to talk to Will alone for a couple of minutes,” Da told him.

“But he just got back,” James told Da.

“James Edward Henry William, now,” Da said to which Jay kissed my cheek before he crawled out of my arms and ran past Da, Da shutting the door behind him.

I wasn’t sure what to expect. If he was still mad at me. If he still thought it was my fault or if it was something else him pulling out my desk chair and sitting down before he took a deep breath, “This is something you won’t hear me say again. I’m sorry, I was wrong.”

So he knew then, “I was upset. Apparently one of the kids said something while you guys were gone and it made me…it made me think that maybe one of those friends of his had said something about the relationship you have with Lionel. You and both know him well and know that would upset him. So I thought that maybe somehow the word had gotten to him and that’s why he…did what he did. Apparently, that wasn’t it. Apparently an orderly overheard him talking about some stuff with one of the other patients and it happened because he doesn’t want to face the consequences of his actions.”

I nodded my head not sure what he wanted me to say. Not sure what he was expecting me to say. As far as I could think there wasn’t anything to say. All of it was because we had let mum take us. The clothes, the rapes, the party was probably partly because of it too. All of it was to punish us. The things he let Lionel do to James. And the things he let Uncle Ben do to Matt and Mike. It was all to punish us. Whatever he had done to Catty that she wasn’t…

“You understand, don’t you?” he asked me waiting for a reply and when I didn’t say anything he continued talking, “Lionel kept me updated on what was going on and he said you did very well. That you were very accommodating. They posted a preview. Apparently, you have a lot of fans.”

Why was he telling me that? What was the point? I was a whore. A whore with a lot of fans so what? Was that supposed to make me feel better?

“I’m glad you didn’t say anything to him,” Da said, “You have anything you want to say to me?”

No, I kind of didn’t. That meant he knew Lionel had filmed me. It made me wonder if he knew about the boy from earlier in the day even though I doubted it. It made me wonder why he wasn’t just leaving.

“I’m…let me make it up to you,” Da said going to touch my cheek making me jump causing him to frown at me, “Don’t be like that. You’re still my boy. Still sweet like Honey. You’ll always be sweet. I know you will. I’m getting you and John new beds. In a couple of days. Alice is taking tomorrow off and Lionel is going to watch everyone along with a little help around lunch time. I told him to bring happy meals. I have something that I need to take care of downstairs so it’ll be up to you to make sure everything runs smoothly. Ok honey?”

I nodded my head feeling like I wanted to scream. That was the last thing I wanted. I had just escaped him. He had just…me hugging myself. The last thing I wanted to do was see Lionel. Do…

“Come with me,” Da said standing up and pushing in my desk chair before holding out his hand as he if he expected me to take it, “I want to do something special with you.”

“Da?” I said quietly.

“don’t argue with me,” he said, “Come on.”

“I…I need to …to shower,” I said quietly him sighing before he nodded his head in understanding. I found it interesting that he didn't point the fact that my hair was wet like I had just taken a shower but just answered like it wasn't an issue.

“Ok, come on we’ll pick out some clothes and I’ll draw you a bath downstairs ok?”

There wasn’t any way to fight with him. I couldn’t tell him no. He didn’t care that James was beyond freaked out because he had just been without the only three people that had been taking care of him the majority of his life. He didn’t care that I was tired. That I had just help molest a four-year-old. He didn’t care that he had probably molested his oldest daughter in front of her brothers. He didn’t care about any of it. He just cared about getting what he wanted. About me doing what I was told.

I nodded my head taking his hand and allowing him to help me up. He took me over to my closet and pulled something out of it for me to wear, “Grab some under things,” Da told me to which I complied.

We walked to the lift James running up to us and throwing his arms around my waist as the lift opened.

“No don’t go! DON’T GO YOU JUST GOT BACK DON”T GO!!!” he screeched.

“He’s going to be fine James. I’m taking him somewhere special for being so good while he was away,” Da tried to explain.

“NO! EVERYONE LEAVES AND NO ONE EVER COMES BACK! YOU CAN’T GO! PLEASE DADDY PLEASE DON’T MAKE HIM GO!!! WILLY PLEASE !!! PLEASE DON’T GO!!!” he said crying like he was well a six year old. A six-year-old little boy like he was.

“J…”

“Da please?” I asked him, “Just a minute ok?”

Da sighed nodding his head giving me permission to speak to him. To calm him down. I didn’t want to see him this upset. It hurt knowing he was that afraid. That he really thought I might not come back. He didn’t deserve to be that scared.

“Bud,” I told him quietly getting down on my knees so I was more on his level as he moved his arms from my waist to my neck, “I’ll come back ok? I swear. I’ll be back in a little while. I’ll wake you up when I get back just so you know I’m here ok? I promise.”

“No, he won’t let you. He won’t let you come back, you’ll leave and you won’t come back,” he said his little sobs breaking my heart.

“Bud, what if I promise he’ll be back tonight? What would you say then? Are you going to calm down then?” da asked James.

“You heard him. I’ll be back tonight. Ok? I’ll wake you up when I get here if you’re already asleep,” I told him.

“You promise?” he asked me drying his tears.

“I promise Bud ok?” I told him and kissed his cheek, “I love you.”

“Ok Willy, I love you too,” James said as Da motioned for me to follow him putting his hand on the small of my back with his free hand as I stepped in.

“You’re good with them,” he told me, “Just like your brother.”

“Thanks,” I muttered not sure what else to say.

We weren’t even in bed yet and already he was comparing me to John. I hated when he did that. Like I wasn’t supposed to be my own person. Like I wasn’t anything if there wasn’t a John to compare me to.

“We’ll shower and then get going ok? I know school starts next week so just keep in mind this will probably be your last late night for a while…”

“Da?” I said interrupting him, “Alice doesn’t work overnights. When someone wakes up with a dirty nappy who do you think changes them?”

“Fair enough. I’ll hire someone to help overnight then. We’ll do interviews within the next three or four days. How does that sound? I want you to have your rest and so does Lionel. We care about you honey,” Da said giving me no choice but to nod my head as we headed into his bedroom.

Just looking at all the white made me sick. Reminded me of what I thought he was going to do last week when he brought me in there and then told Uncle Ben to get rid of me. Thinking of all the things he had done to John in there. I wasn’t sure what I was thinking or what happened but next thing I knew he was pinning me up against the wall.

I felt sick. I was tired and sore. I was tired of having people’s hands on my body. I remember thinking that as his hands went under the hem of my shirt. 

“Da…,” I said quietly.

“It’s ok. I know,” he muttered before kissing me.

It was a deep peck. There wasn’t any tongue surprisingly, but it was aggressively still making me blush. Making my face feel hot.

“I love you. I’m sorry I sent you away. Let’s shower and I’ll take you out. Make it up to you,” he told me.

“Can…I shower on my own?” I asked him quietly.

“Honey, I’m…Lionel tells me things. I know you had a hard week. I don’t want to push you. I’m sure you’re very sore. Let me wash your back and stuff though ok? John always lets me wash his. Sometimes you just need someone to work those knots out,” Da told me.

That was his way of saying no. I wasn’t allowed to shower on my own. I had to shower with him. Even if he wasn’t going to touch me sexually or he was going to keep it limited that meant I didn’t have a right to just…shower on my own. 

I knew I couldn’t say no. Just nodding my head in agreement as he opened the bathroom door. I don’t even really remember stripping out of my clothes only him starting the water and then him washing me, my back, my shoulders. Giving me a message as he pressed against me. I knew I was doing that thing that everyone said I did. Freezing, checking out whatever but I think it was just…too much going on.

He talked to Lionel about what Lionel did to me? And then he mentioned it like it was no big deal. It was no big deal that I was 11 and being forced to have sex with a 60 something-year-old man. A 60-year-old man he was making me have sex with. The whole thing making me feel sick as I got dressed. As I put on the fancy oxford and black dress slacks he gave me. As he put on something that was slightly more casual than a tux making me wonder where he was planning to take me as he took my hand and kissed the back of it.

“You’re still quiet honey, what are you thinking about?” he asked me.

“Nothing,” I said, “Where are we going?”

“Somewhere nice,” he told me, “You’ll have fun trust me.”

It was 6 pm. He drove us into downtown Orlando. We lived in Union Park which was more of the suburb of Orlando. Orlando depending on how far we were going was half an hour away to 45 minutes where the beaches were in the other direction probably closer to 2 hours away. It took us about 40 minutes. Him driving past the sign that said Disney world making me wonder what was happening where he was taking me until he pulled up next to the valet stand outside the Grand Floridian Hotel. For a couple of minutes as he handed the keys over, I thought he was doing something nice for me. Maybe. Something to make up for being the shitty Da he had always been.

At least that’s what I had thought until I saw him. In a tux standing there speaking a language, I didn’t know. I think it was Japanese. Talking to Jai and some other guy.

“Honey you’re ok,” he said putting an arm around my shoulder when all I wanted to do was scream. I had just…why? Why? Why? Why was he doing this to me? He knew they wouldn’t…I shook my head.

“Don’t embarrass me. You’re a big boy I expect you to act like a gentleman. These guys are here to meet you. We’re going to have a nice dinner and then we’re going to go talk. Understand?” he told me, commanded of me.

I didn’t know what was going on. But I knew I didn’t want to be there. In the back of my head, I also wondered if Disney knew what was going on. If they knew who these guys were. What they did to children. My brain coming up with the answer easily, no. Of course, they didn’t.

No one would ever give a single one of these guys a room if they knew. If they knew what they did to kids.

“There you are!” Lionel said coming over to Da and shaking his head, “And there you are, little one. Are you ready?”

“I thought you said…” Da started.

“Everyone else is already seated. Mr. Hou and Mr. Harada wanted to meet our top investor from the east coast charter,” Lionel said, “Little one come with me while your father talks to our friends.”

He put his arm around my shoulder walking me towards a restaurant. Thee restaurant Victoria and Albert’s Queen Victoria’s room. There were four tables of people there each seating 2 or 4. I was the only one there my age. Everyone else was older. A couple of them were teenagers maybe a little older than John but none of them were my age. I immediately recognized one of them. Finn’s older brother even though Finn was nowhere to be seen. Lionel leading me up to that table with one empty seat.

“Little one how about you sit down next to Wallace? Have you met Wallace?” Lionel asked me as I sat down.

I couldn’t relax. Not with Wallace right next to me. Smiling at me like that. All I could remember was the way he looked at me when I walked into the bathroom while he and Finn were fighting. My brain going back to that moment. The way he had told me he wouldn’t hurt me. The way his eyes had gone wide when Finn told him I was the leaders.

“Hi Will,” Wallace said smiling at me.

I remember thinking “Please just don’t fucking touch me. Please god just don’t…”

“You’re very important to me as you know,” Lionel said reaching across the table and grabbing my hands, “You’re entering the seventh grade at St. Matt’s there’s a mentorship program where they set you up with Seniors. Now because you’ve had a bit of a …well that’s neither here nor there but the Headmaster is allowing me to pick your Mentor, meet your Mentor.”

I must have given him a questioning look before he smiled at me, “Wallace is going to be a senior, he’s a mentor.”

“I won’t let you down sir,” Wallace said smiling at him.

“I know you won’t you’re a good boy. I know you’ll be respectful and that you will also make sure he is well looked after. That’s why I chose you, remember?”

“Yes, sir,” Wallace said smiling at me as Da walked in with the other guys he’d been talking to sitting down.

I don’t know if they pre-ordered or not but they started to bring food out to the tables. I didn’t even know what the first course was. It looked like smooshed brains. It took me a minute to realize it was patae. I hated pate. Me sighing at it as they sat it down in front of me.

“Did they teach you anything at that school last year?” Da asked me, “You mum didn’t tell me that much about it. My PI told us it was for children with behavioral issues. Did you actually learn things?”

“Kind of,” I answered, “Most of it was stuff I already knew but that’s why they skipped me anyway. I almost tested into 7th last year. I don’t think it’s going to make that much of a difference.”

“That’s ok Connor if he falls behind that’s apart of the reason why Wallace is there to begin with. Wallace is smart. Wallace speaks two languages don’t you Wallace?” Lionel asked him.

“Ja,” Wallace said.

“Danielle was insistent they know how to talk to their Aunt Fiona who speaks French. So, all my children are fluent in two languages as well. Just one of the wrong ones I suppose?” Da said smiling.

“Nonsense. I actually think it’s fitting,” Lionel said looking at me before taking a bite of his food, “French is after all one of the languages of love.”

I ended up spitting my drink out and spraying the table. Da frowning at me as there was a round of chuckling from the other tables.

“Please tell me he doesn’t do that with everything that goes in his mouth,” I heard someone shout making me my face go red.

“I’m sure that Jai, as well as his father can both assure you, gentlemen, he does not. As you will get to see later,” Lionel said.

They…no. No. I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t….

“Honey it’s ok,” Da said, “What’s going on what are you thinking?”

“Nothing, I’m fine,” I said shaking my head.

“Little one,” Lionel said, “Why don’t you go get some air? Have Wallace take you outside for a couple of minutes?”

“I’m fine…I…I’m fine,” I said.

“Little one you only stutter like that when you’re getting upset,” Lionel pointed out, “Wallace would you please…”

“Yes sir, come on Will, Why don’t…” he reached his hand out to put it on my arm.

“DON’T TOUCH ME!” I shouted.

“William,” Lionel said, “There is no need to shout. You need to take a break. Wallace how about you gently escort him outside to the patio before we continue with supper and go to our meeting?”

“Ok sir,” Wallace said, “Come on.”

He stood up. He didn’t try to grab me again. I hugged myself as I stood up and followed him out into the air. The air that felt too hot to be allowed. The air that made it feel like you weren’t breathing. 

“You’re lucky, you know?” he asked me after a few minutes of silence.

“I’m lucky that I’m about to…”

“Wait, what do you think is going to happen?” Wallace asked me.

“You know what’s…” I barely managed having to stop as I heard my voice increase in pitch. I hadn’t wanted to have sex with Lionel, Sergei and Josh. Let alone with all the guys in that room. Most of them people I didn’t know.”

“Oh,” Wallace said, “That’s why you’re upset. That’s not what’s going to happen. Lionel doesn’t share his boys with just anyone. He doesn’t let just anyone even speak to his boys. He’s not letting all those guys play with you. So, chill out.”

“Why did they bring me here then?” I dared to ask.

“It’s the premiere of your first video. Why else? It’s just to show the council how good you look on camera. So, they can decide if they want to keep using you for film stuff. They’ll make an account for you if they decide to use you. Because you’re a five.   
You’ll make good money. So, it’s not like it’s a bad thing but they just want to kind of get a feel for how you look before they release the full video,” Wallace explained.

So, they weren’t…it was just watching the video. Of me with…of me having sex. With them. Like that.

“It’s not a bad thing. There’s nothing to be upset about. You know how much your demand is going to go up? You’ll be sponsored at every single party you walk into. It’s a great thing. Enough people see you you’ll get very good contracts. Especially when you’re old enough to have your pick of them. Don’t be upset about it,” Wallace said.

How could I not be upset about it? I was about to sit in a room with 9 other people most of them adult men watching a video of me having sex. Of Lionel forcing me to have sex with other guys, with him. Of them raping me, making Teddy, one of my friends rape me.

“Why are you here?” I asked Wallace suddenly.

He wasn’t my friend. The only thing he cared about was getting into my pants he had made that very clear to me from the moment I first saw him. But, I was Lionel’s. Lionel wasn’t about to share me with him. At least I hoped not. So why was he there and not Finn, or someone else? Teddy? Louis, anyone. Why him?

“Well, like the leader said I’m a senior and seniors always me…”

“That tells me what you want. That doesn’t tell me why you’re here,” I pointed out, “So why are you here? At this…whatever it is.”

“Koch he’s German. He doesn’t speak great English. My family, we’re German-speaking. I don’t know if Finn h…”

“Finn and I have talked about it, yes. Lionel also mentioned it back…,” I pointed at the dining room.

“Right, Koch is important. My Dad will be here later he had something he had to deal with but I’m fluent. I’m fluent to the point where sometimes I forget how to say things in one language and I’ll say…”

“It happens. Even at home even though we speak mostly English it happens,” I said.

“God you’re beautiful when you smile,” Wallace said, “No…don’t…I’m sorry ok? I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say that,” I whispered.

“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “But yeah I’m here for that mostly. Apparently one of the serves went down or he has to adjust the security or some shit. So yeah Dad isn’t here. So, I’m just here to translate when it needs to happen. The only other guy around our age is named Ron he’s here because he speaks Japanese and Chinese. He’s Mr. Hou’s son. These aren’t regular guys. These are council guys. These are the top of the brotherhood. I know a little about some of them if you want to know anything.”

“Sure, if it’ll keep us outside longer,” I said to which Wallace smiled and nodded his head.

“They can be intimidating. I think the first time I met one of them besides the Leader I was 8ish. Somewhere in there. They can be scary. You know the guy with the somewhat long facial hair? That’s Kader he’s one of the bloc guys. You know what that is right?” Wallace asked me to which I nodded my head.

“Ok, the guy with the turban is Kassab. He’s from the middle east oddly enough he speaks Russian but he doesn’t speak English. However, the Leader speaks Russian and he’s not interested in talking to anyone else. Most of these guys speak German though or English. He just doesn’t. English is beneath him or some shit.

I have no idea but he’s the head guy in the middle east. Where they claim their girl lovers but, they have this old custom called “dancing boys” boys from like 10 until like 16 that they train to dance sometimes very erotically and then they…well, I’m sure you can guess what they do after that. I mean you are here after all.

Bert only speaks German. His Dad is the head of the German branch he’s here to…school and stuff. He’s not a bad guy. He’s just a bit strange he likes my family though hence why I’m here. Hou is here. And then Harada they are Japanese and Chinese, the East Asian council members. And that’s why Ron is here as well. Tony is here because it’s his movie obviously and his Dad is head in Italy. Your Dad is here with you and then I’m here. So that’s it.”

“So, they’re here and you’re here for them?”

“Mostly Bert who is here for his Dad’s interest but yes,” Wallace said, “The leader and Dad like to tell me I’m ugly but charming. That it’s something if I learn how to use it right will get me far. If I want it to.”

“So, you’re not here to see me?” I asked him.

He chuckled a little bit like he was thinking about his answer, “Are you asking me if I’m here to hang out with you before school starts? So, I can get to know a little bit about you? Then yeah, I mean I’m your mentor so we’re going to be spending about an hour and half together 3 days a week. Might as well talk to you a little bit.”

I still didn’t like the way he was looking at me. The door opened behind us making me jump.

“Wallace, Hauptgericht ist fertig. Komm essen,” the guy said (Wallace, the entree is ready. Come eat). He was blond. Very blond like I was. His eyes were blue. He looked your average European Causican male. Like he could be from anywhere really.

“Let’s go eat,” Wallace said standing up, “You’ve gotten some air and they’re going to want to talk to you or through me to you, it’s whatever. Let’s go eat.”

“What did he say?” I asked Wallace.

“The main course is done,” Wallace told me.

“Oh, so we…,”

“Come on, you’re ok. At least you’re not having sex with everyone here, right?” he pointed out.

“Right,” I sighed standing up and going inside.

“Are you feeling better honey?” Da asked me as I sat down looking at my plate. Everyone had the same food it looked like duck of some kind it looked like it was made with mushrooms or something. 

I like mushrooms but my stomach hurt. Just thinking about what was going to happen after we were done eating. Before I heard muttering from one of the other tables and the young guy, Ron cleared his throat.

“Yes, young Mr. Hou?” Lionel asked him.

“Mr. Harada has a question,” Ron said.

“Kare wa fukitobasa reru no ga sukidesu ka? Iede wa sukide wanai shōnen,” Mr. Harada asked (Does he like being blown? Boys at home don’t like it so much.)

“Do I really have to ask…”

“Yes,” Jai said Ron’s face flushing slightly as he looked at me giving me an apologetic smile.

“He wants to know if you like blow jobs. Because the boys at home don’t,” Ron said to me while looking at his feet.

My whole body felt hot. No. I didn’t. Not from any of them. I didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t offend anyone. If I was supposed, to be honest, or if I was supposed to lie. Lionel clearing his throat.

“I think we can all safely assume it depends on how skilled the giver is,” Lionel said to which everyone replied with a chorus of laughs.

I really didn’t like it. Not from anyone but…Beau. Beau who was a lifetime away. Who I needed to get over. Who wasn’t going to matter again anytime soon if ever. Beau that I needed to forget and pretend I had never known.

I sighed picking up my fork dropping it promptly when I felt a hand on my right leg. Wallace was sitting on my right.

“It’s ok little one,” Lionel told me, “He just likes you. That’s all.”

I wanted to scream. I didn’t want his hand on my leg. I didn’t want him touching me. I didn’t want Wallace touching me. Any of them touching me. So, what was he going let Wallace now? Wallace who had been trying to touch me since the first time he saw me.

“Will what’s going on with you, honey?” Da asked me suddenly.

“Nothing,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “I’m…”

“Connor do you might if I…?” 

“Not at all Lionel, go ahead. I have no idea what’s going on with him,” Da said as Lionel got up and grabbed my hand.

“Come on my little one,” Lionel said before he pulled me back outside where it was quiet and dark, “Tell me what you’re thinking. What’s going on?”

What was going on? My brother was in a hospital being tortured. My younger brothers were at home one of which wouldn’t stop crying because Da had sent me away with no warning. One who was waiting for me at home in my bed probably crying his eyes out while I did whatever this was. 

“Come here,” he said pulling me down into his lap, “Tell me what you’re thinking little one, please?”

“I’m just tired,” I told him.

“Little one we’ve talked about honesty remember? I want you to be honest. Are you afraid these men are here to share you with me?” he asked kissing the back of my neck.

“Maybe,” I whispered not sure how I could even begin to explain what I felt like.

How badly I felt. Not that I would explain it to him anyway. How I knew I was dirty. That any of them touching me, just sitting in his lap just made me dirtier. Made it that much worse. I didn’t know what to do or say about any of it. Me feeling his legs under my bum as he made me sit on his lap. Tried to make me talk to him. Tell him how I was feeling. What was wrong.

“Are you sure that’s all that’s going on?” Lionel said his hands snaking around the front of my waist causing me to freeze.

His hand was about to go there. I knew it was and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to stop it. My whole body freezing. I wanted to be anywhere else. Like I so often felt. 

“I don’t know…,” I answered shaking my head, “I just…”

“It’s ok little one, tell me how you feel,” he said his hand going to the button on my dress slacks.

“I’m tired. I’m so tired,” I told him.

“Are you sore my little one? I did give you a very big work out,” he told me, “I’m going to give your father the last plug you were using to take home. Keep you stretched. Ready for filming. I think our friends will really enjoy your performance.”

“I’m jus…”

“Relax, I’ll help you relax. Who knows maybe you’ll fall asleep during the viewing of your film?” he muttered in my ear getting my pants undone.

The only thing I could do was go away in my head as he…as he did that. As he molested me outside one of the fanciest restaurants in Flordia. As he made me feel sick and he kissed and sucked on the back of my neck.

When he led us back inside everyone clapped. They cheered like he was some college frat brother who had just scored with a girl. I felt like I couldn’t breathe at all. Like I was going to be sick and…I think I just ended up staring at the food. Not really eating it. After we were done eating the group wandered downstairs a couple of people shooting me more questions that Lionel easily dismissed.

It was a white boardroom that had a projection screen hanging from the ceiling. I don’t remember a lot being said before someone hit the lights and hit something else making a video flash up on the screen. It wasn’t even tasteful. It was a shot of me spread eagle and naked lying on that bed. At that point, I just closed my eyes wishing I could close my ears too as everyone listened to me moan and say those things until I got so tired I couldn’t do it anymore. Excusing myself quietly and leaving the room to go to the bathroom. To hide.

I just wanted to go home. I wanted to be done. I took a few minutes. Trying to see if I could face myself. If I could look in the mirror at my own face when I knew they were listening to me say those things. Be that …that person I didn’t even know. I had almost worked up the courage to try and face myself when I heard the bathroom door open and before I could turn around I saw him.

Wallace. He didn’t even give me a chance to turn around him smiling at me as I watched his reflection in the mirror before he started talking.

“You’re good. They are creaming their pants. You’re in the film business kiddo,” Wallace said.

“I just want to go home,” I said.

“I’m honestly surprised. I didn’t know you could beg like that. It’s hot. The leader does always know how to pick his boys though,” Wallace said licking his lips at me.

I felt like I was …I remember my face feeling beyond hot. Me thinking he was…he was finally going to take what he wanted just like everyone else. Just like all of them.

“I don’t want to,” I shook my head, “Wal…”

“I can’t,” he admitted to me, “Trust me I would love to but honestly just hearing you talk like that would do it. I just don’t want to…well, not in front of everyone, you know? Being younger and surrounded by them the moment I …well I don’t enjoy old men. It’s not my thing.”

“I won’t,” I said understanding what he was going at, “I didn…”

“You did,” Wallace said, “You don’t have the ability to beg for it like that if you don’t want it. You know somewhere deep down inside that you do want it. That’s how he chooses all his boys you know? He only chooses the ones he knows are going to want it.”

But I didn’t. I didn’t want it. Not from him not from any of them. I wanted to be left alone. Before I knew it, he was behind me. Pressing me into the counter. 

“Stop, I don’t…stop,” I barely managed to whisper.

“Just tell me you want it. Just like in the video baby, that’s it. That’s all I want, and I’ll let you go,” he said grinding on me.

“I…stop, please. Please, I’ll…I’ll tell him,” I said as I tried to knock him off only to find myself grinding into him.

“That’s it. Tell me you want it. Tell me you want my cock,” he muttered.

“Please, I’ll tell him. I’ll tell that you…” I whimpered.

“Tell him that I what? I haven’t touched you anywhere I couldn’t touch you in polite company. I know you’re his whore. He has to give me permission to use you beyond this. Just tell me you want it. Call me Daddy,” he said rubbing up against me, up against my back grinding on me.

“Stop,” I begged.

“Wrong type of begging baby boy, come on. You don’t want me to get angry. I’ll tell him you tried to leave. What will he and Daddy think? You being a bad boy when you’ve already gotten into so much trouble? Kleine Schlampe liebt es, Leute zu ficken. Wenn er gefickt werden will, kann jeder ihn ficken,” Wallace muttered in my ear confusing me (Little slut loves to fuck people. If he wants to be fucked, everyone can fuck him.)

I remember the German shocking me. My brain trying to figure out what he said but my brain only catching one word, liebt. Love. It was the only German word I knew. Was he telling me he loved me? What was…

“Say it,” he said rutting against me so hard my thighs slammed into the sink, “Say it, call me Daddy.”

“I…fuck me, Daddy,” I barely managed to whisper as he rubbed himself against my body through our clothes. As he grunted against my back. 

After a minute or two he stopped, stilling his body shaking a little bit as he…before he let me go. My knees almost giving out under me.

“That was nice. I can’t wait for the real thing,” he told me before he left the bathroom turning to say one last thing, “10 minutes to calm yourself down or else it won’t be me who comes looking for you.”

I wanted to disappear. He hadn’t raped me but, it was almost worse. Him making me beg like that. Say those things like that. I stayed there. Sitting the floor almost under the sink.

It felt safer somehow. Being forced to make myself tiny. I tried not to think about them and what was …what they were doing in the other room. How they were probably onto Sergei or Josh. How I was glad I wasn’t there listening to that. Listening to me say those things even though I was crying as I said them. How Wallace would probably think that was hot too. Me…the door opening again causing me to slam eyes shut and hope whoever it was would just go away or not see me. Or something else. Anything else but…

“Little one?! What’s…come here little one. Come here it’s ok,” I heard him say, “Come out here it’s ok.”

“sil’vous plait, sil’vous plait,” I begged slamming my hand over my mouth knowing what I was saying even if he didn’t.

“Oh, little one, come here my little one,” he said reaching out and grabbing one of my arms before he pulled me up picking me up into his arms, “I’m sorry little one. I’m sorry. I didn’t…oh god. This is my fault. I told your father it was enough but, he wanted you to attend. I knew you shouldn’t have. It was too much. You’re too sweet for this. I’m sorry my sweet little one. You shouldn’t be here. How about you stay here ok? I’ll go get him. Demand that he takes you home, now.”

With that, he left me there. Standing in the bathroom where he set me on feet. I just wanted to go and scrub my skin off. I didn’t want to be there anymore. Somehow, I managed to pull myself together. To quit crying and by the time Lionel came back with Da. Da frowning at me.

“He looks fine Lye,” Da said to him.

“I want him taken home. He needs his rest. I’m leaving for New York in a couple of days and school starts what? Next week? He needs to spend time at home in bed. Resting. Keep an eye on him though I’m worried,” Lionel told Da.

“I’ll keep him in my bed then,” Da said, “Come on honey. Let’s go home.”

“I have to let Jay k…”

“Yeah, you can go to your room tonight. Wednesday the new beds are coming,” Da said as we walked down the hall away from the conference room and towards the front door. 

It was late. Very late. It had to be close to 1 am and I felt tired from crying. From being sick to my stomach half the night, from…trying not to cry from talking to Wallace. I was just beyond exhausted. The moment the valet pulled up the car and my seat belt was buckled I probably fell asleep just from being so exhausted.

The next time I woke up it was when Da pulled into the driveway. I don’t know what else Lionel had said to him that I didn’t hear before they got back to that restroom but he didn’t follow me upstairs me pulling off my fancy clothes so I was in my undershirt and undies and climbed into bed pulling him into my chest. Just smelling him made me feel better. It made me feel like I was doing the right thing. I was deciding the right thing.

That it was important I tried to be good for him. S,o he didn’t…

“Willy?” he said sleepily into my chest.

“Yeah,” I said, “It’s me. You’re safe. Go back to sleep bud, you’re safe.”

“You sound sad Willy,” he told me.

“I’m ok,” I told him, “I’m with you now so we’re ok.”

“Because as long as…,” he said before he trailed off into silence falling asleep.

I had to do whatever I could. Whatever I could to protect him for as long as I could. From Lionel, from whoever he would hand him to. I had to do whatever I could to keep him safe for as long as possible. For some reason just holding him was a relief. Enough of relief that I felt like I was breathing for the first time in over a week. Finally breathing more than a couple of breaths and actually seriously breathing as I fell asleep.


	52. Chapter 52

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will wakes to find Uncle Ben upstairs and on the couch with Matty. Uncle Ben takes the twins and Catty out to get their school uniforms while Will and James are left behind to help Da with a meeting that he doesn't even attend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1322 to 1340 **Warnings: rape/non-con, forced oral, talk of forced drug abuse, talk of manipulation, talk of murder (veiled), mental health issues, anxiety, mental hospital, talk of medical abuse, talk of human trafficking, talk of attempted murder** I'm going to be away from the computer this weekend because I am going camping. When I come back I'll probably be updating again as well as making another update for Weeping into the abyss. **John POV part 2 Chapter 14-16**

I woke up the next morning to babies. The sound of babies crying and for some reason I found it relieving. That it was babies and not silence. Not a giant bed that I didn’t recognize or one with a green quilt that didn’t belong to anyone I knew. 

“Bud? Bud, I have to go take care of babies, someone’s crying,” I told him shaking his shoulder gently making him move in his sleep, “I’ll be back.” I whispered as I lowered him back to the bed without me.

I went into the nursey to find Mary fussing in the arms of a dead asleep Mike. It was amazing that he was actually sleeping through her screaming. Poor Mike, he was really trying so hard. He was such an amazing kid. He was really trying so hard and school was a week away. 

“Mikey pal,” I said quietly shaking him awake.

“WH…oh,” he muttered, “She was crying. I don’t even…” he yawned heavily, “remember getting here.”

“It’s ok Pal. I’ll take care of it,” I said taking her from his arms, “Come here Mary. I’ll fix it. You just have a dirty nappy, don’t you? Don’t you ,my poor, poor girl?”

She just continued to cry as I took her over to the changing table her tears immediately stopping as I pulled the offending nappy off and threw it in the rubbish bin causing her to let out a satisfied coo.

“I know,” I told her cleaning her up and putting on a fresh diaper, “It’s so hard. Say it was so gross and dirty and now I feel so much better thank you for helping me Willy, thank you so much!”

At that she giggled at me giving me the biggest smile as I took her over to crib laying her back down. Looking over at Mike sighing as I watched him snoozing in the rocking chair. We were all struggling. I wasn’t sure what do about any of it. I felt lost looking at him before I checked everyone else’s diapers before attempting to wake Mike up and get him back in bed. When he didn’t move I tried to pull him up managing to get him in my arms before almost falling over. He was a big boy at that point. Almost as tall as I was. There was maybe a 30 pound difference between us.

He was almost too heavy for me to carry me managing to move him to the daybed in the nursey that mum kept in there so that she could easily sleep at night when she was at home nursing and up every couple of hours. Me tucking him in before I kissed him on the forehead, “I hope you get more rest,pal,” I whispered into his hair, “I think you’re starting to sleep walk. I love you.”

I pulled the blanket over him tucking him in and leaving him there turning off the nursery light before heading back to my room and climbing back into bed with Jay. I don’t think I woke up again until later when I lift kicked on. The smell of bacon filling the air as I got up going out into the living room to see Uncle Ben hop off the lift and go into the living room.

“Alice…?” I asked.

“I’m making breakfast sugar. It’s going to be a busy day,” she said as I walked into the kitchen, “You have a question?”

“Why is Uncle Ben here?”

“Well you boys start school next week. He’s taking half of you off to get your school uniforms today because your Daddy has to work I have to take Derek out to get his school uniform today as well and to take his AP exams. So, your Daddy is sending someone over to watch whoever isn’t going out today and then I think your Daddy is taking the rest of you out to get our uniforms tomorrow,” Alice said.

“Do you know who…?”

“You have to discuss that with them Sugar,” she told me, “Go ask him.”

I sighed turning around and going over to the living room immediately wanting to leave again when I saw Matty sitting in Uncle Ben’s lap. That was not ok. I wasn’t ok with seeing that just thankful no one else was awake yet even though I knew they would be soon.

“Huh…,” I started trying to figure out what to say Matt glancing at me out of the corner of his eye before he smiled almost laughing at the ridiculous expression on my face.

“What Willy?” he asked me sounding nothing like the 9 year old he was but more like…well, an asshole. A teenaged asshole who was horribly amused with his appalling behavior.

“Uncle Ben…who is ….who is going with you to ….”

“ Maccabees Marvelous boutique?” he asked me, “The twins and Catherine are going today with me. Tomorrow your Da will be taking you, John and James.”

“Aren’t Andy and Lar supposed to be starting nursery school?”

“No, next year. They don’t make the cutoff date. The cut off for admission is September 10th they were born …”

“November 9th, I realize,” I told him.

“ Yes, however something that is kind of funny we can enroll them and Malachy in the same year next year because Malachy was born…”

“September 8th of the following year,” I finished for him.

“How do you keep track? I had to ask your Da because I wasn’t sure,” Uncle Ben told me.

“They’re my siblings. I would hope I would know,” I told him.

“Fair enough,” he told me, “You going to go eat, fruity pebbles?”

Matty’s face went bright red, “You said you wouldn’t call me that!”

“What? No one's going to know what it means kiddo,” Uncle Ben said sticking out his tongue at him before he started tickling his sides causing me to throw up in my mouth making me run to the bathroom.

It was nasty. Watching them flirt was nasty. That was not the way you treated your nephew especially your nine-year-old nephew. I had to rinse my mouth out several times to get the taste of vomit off my breath. I didn’t even want to begin to think about what that nickname meant. It made me wonder if they were in some sort of consensual relationship though. The idea, scaring me. Meaning he was really gone for good. That whatever bull they were going to continue feeding him he was going to end up believing. Alice shouted that breakfast was ready down the hallway.

As I finally made it out of my bathroom James was running back down the hallway running into my legs a knocking me over before I could stop him as he whimpered softly. I sighed as he climbed over top of me and got into my bed pulling the covers over his little head. Uncle Ben. Me sighing heavily as I pulled myself up and shut my bedroom door. This kid was never going to leave my bedroom if people didn’t start warning him when his abusers were upstairs. This was supposed to be his safe space this whole level of the house was supposed to be his safe space and they kept invading it.

I climbed into bed hugging him tightly as he started shrieking stuffing my shirt into his mouth and biting down as he screamed. That poor kid. How was he ever expected to feel safe again when they kept invading his space without warning.

“It’s ok bud. I’m right here and he’s not going to touch you ok?” I told him as he continued to screech into my shirt.

You would have thought he was dying. Or someone was trying to murder him. He screamed into my shirt to the point where the only thing I could do to make sure I didn’t cry with him was to be silent. To rock him and kiss the top of his head as he cried until he cried himself back to sleep. I was honestly surprised he cried for as long as he did. I heard the lift go off three or four times. Someone knocking on my door quietly and opening it up without waiting Alice bringing in two plates of eggs as giving me a sad smile as she saw me cuddling him before she sat down in my desk chair.

“How is he doing?” she asked me.

“Sleeping,” I told her as she nodded her head.

“I was going to bring the food to him he just…,” 

“No, I know it’s ok,” I told her, “I’m just worried about him. He’s just little. He doesn’t nee…”

“You don’t either. You’re doing such a good job with him. With all of them. I think I have talked your Daddy into another nanny to help out.”

“We don’t need another nanny,” I told her quietly, “Speaking of can I ask you something about…”

“My methods? I told you, your daddy is not a man you want to make angry. Neither is his boss. You u…”

“I don’t want him here Alice. You’re right he’s not someone you want to make mad, but he needs to stay away from my brothers. I’m working on…”

“No sugar. You don’t do that to yourself. You take care of you. You don’t worry about them that’s my job, not yours.”

“Alice he can’t sleep in his own bed. He told me it was bad because Da…,” I closed my eyes taking a deep breath so I didn’t start crying.

“I’ll work on him, sugar. I’ll help him find his way. He’ll be ok I’m sure you remember what it was like when your…”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I…I don’t. With anyone,” I told her.

I was honest with John. I had shared that with John how much of a struggle that was because of what Da had told me. That if John and mum found out it would be my fault they were upset. But, I hadn’t told anyone else. I hadn’t really told them how bad it made me feel either. I hadn’t told anyone that I thought it was my fault. Not really. John had told me that a million and one times. That he felt like it was his fault when I knew it wasn’t. When he should have known it wasn’t. Me feeling tired and thankful that I didn’t have to get dressed. That I could just sit there with him before Alice sighed heavily.

“You need to wake him up. Mr. Lord is coming over and someone else. So, you need to…”

No. I couldn’t do it again. I couldn’t do that. Not after the night before. I just…I needed Alice to leave. To leave me alone with my little brother. Needed everyone to just leave us alone.

“Will,” she said quietly waving her hand in front of my face causing me to blink.

“Go,” I whispered.

“Will I n…”

“GO! JUST GO! LEAVE US ALONE! GO! GET OUT! GET OUT!” I shouted at her probably shocking her into leaving my room her quietly shutting the door as Jay woke with a start.

“Willy?!” he asked me, “Willy what’s wrong? It’s ok Willy, it’s ok we’re ok..”

All I could hear was my own voice echoing in my head. Saying those things as everyone watched it happen. As they laughed, as they…

“I’m ok,” I said taking a few deep breathes calming myself down before I started crying, “I’m ok. I’m ok…”

“Willy, what’s wrong?” James asked me quietly snuggling into me.

“I’m just sad,” I answered as close to the truth as I dared.

I felt so many things. I felt angry, and sad, scared, alone, guilty, so many different things. My brain not sure if there was anything I could do really but knowing I couldn’t let Jay leave my room as long as Lionel was in the house. That Lionel would hurt him too if he saw him. Because he wanted him. He would rape him if he saw him just like I was sure he was planning on raping me again. 

“We should eat bud. We have to eat ok?” I told him getting up and sitting down in my desk chair starting to eat the eggs Alice had brought.

“Do you think he’s gone?” James asked me quietly.

“For now, yeah,” I told him, “He’s taking the twins and Cat out to get their uniforms for the year. I…bud I need you to stay in here today though ok?”

“I don’t want to leave anyway,” he told me, “I like it here.”

“I know bud,” I said, “I want you to stay in my room though no matter what. You don’t leave. If you hear someone coming into the room without knocking 3 times. You hide in the closet or the bathroom and you lock the door ok?”

“Why?” he asked me quietly his face falling.

“It’s nothing you need to worry about ok? It’s just you’re the only one here Alice doesn’t have to keep a close eye on. So, I want you to stay in here ok? I’ll tell Alice to knock three times too ok? For food and stuff but I want you to stay here.

“Is he coming over?” he asked me making my stomach fall.

I couldn’t lie to him but, I didn’t want him to be scared either. I managed to nod my head. I wanted to plead with him. To tell him I was sorry. That I was sorry I brought such a nasty man into our lives. A man who wanted to just rape him like he was raping me. 

“I’ll stay here Willy, I promise,” he told me.

“Good,” I told him nodding my head.

“What about you?” he asked me quietly.

“I’ll be fine,” I told him, “I’m fine.”

“If you weren’t you’d let me help you, right?” he asked me.

“Yeah, of course, I would, come on. Eat your food. I’m going to go shower while you eat ok? And then I’ll help Alice clean up and take care of some stuff. You stay here and read and stuff ok?” I told him.

“Ok,” he told me,”But what if he…”

“You …you remember what I told you the night Teddy came over with him?”

“Just do what I’m told? Whatever I’m told and be a good boy?” he asked me.

I nodded my head. I didn’t have anything else I could tell him if Lionel saw him. There wasn’t really any other advice to give him. I was hoping to avoid that though. After that, I went to go take a shower. I decided to put on a pair of shorts for him because I knew he liked it. I was hoping if I wore the right thing, said the right thing, did the right thing he would leave James alone. Because it wasn’t like John was there to protect us or mum. Or anyone else. It was just him and me. Alice would keep everyone else safe I had to keep James safe. That was my job and I knew it.

I figured no one would be there but Alice. So, I figured it didn’t matter if I went out into the living room wearing just a pair of red shorts me stopping dead when I saw Da and …Leo talking to Alice. Me going still as Alice handed Da cup of coffee. I don’t know what it was but they both turned and looked at me.

“Wow,” Leo muttered before he looked at Da putting his hand on Da’s shoulder and whispering something in his ear to which Da laughed.

“I know,” Da responded, “Will you remember Leo?”

I remember feeling extremely naked. Almost as naked as I had the night before. I nodded my head numbly.

“I see you’re already dressed for the pool so how about you two head downstairs, I’m going to go get J…”

“I’ll get him!” I said maybe a little bit too enthusiastically because they both frowned at me as I ran down the hall going into my room and shutting my bedroom door.

“Willy?” he asked me, “What…”

“Bud, I need you to brave ok? I need you to be really brave Da is coming. Da is here and he’s …”

“It’s ok Willy,” he told me standing up, “I’ll be good. They were going to come for me anyway. Daddy was. That’s the only reason why he’d make Mikey leave. Because Mikey would try to keep me safe. He always tries. When you were gone last week Da and Uncle Ben were really mean. They were really really mean and Mikey he…he always got so mad he told Daddy he’d play instead so Catty and I…” he whimpered his voice hitting a pitch where I could barely understand what he was saying.

“Oh bud,” I said pulling him tight to me, “ Bud, it’s ok. It’s ok. I’m right here. I’m right here.”

There was a knock on my bedroom door before Da walked in, “James why don’t you get dressed, put a swimsuit on? Mike and Matt and Cat are out with Uncle Ben so why don’t you two come with me instead of hanging out with the babies? We’ll go swim.”  
He didn’t want to swim with us. I knew he didn’t want to swim with us. He wanted us to swim with Leo. And Lionel. Lionel was supposed to be there and the whole idea made me beyond nervous. I didn’t want to believe I understood why we were going downstairs with them but, in the back of my head I knew. I knew why Da wanted us to go.

James couldn’t even bring himself to say anything to Da. He could barely look at him his whole-body trembling. Probably just because Da was watching him, looking at him.

“Come on James, well go…”

“I’ve got him Da, really,” I said as James clung to me like his life depended on me. Like he was lost at sea and I was a life raft he was clinging to for support. His last hope before he sunk beneath the waves that would devour him whole.

“I’ll come with you,” Da said as I stood up James clinging even more tightly.

“It’s ok bud, I’m right here. I’m right here and I’m not leaving you alone with him, ok? We’re just going to get you a swimsuit and get you changed,” I told him as he held onto me tightly.

“James you need to be a big boy. I have someone coming to play just with you. You don’t want to make me mad,” Da said going into Jay’s closet and coming out with something in his hands before handing it to me as I rubbed James’ back lightly trying to comfort him.

He couldn’t even look at Da let alone talk to him. This kid was so traumatized he couldn’t even look at him. I grabbed the tiny sky-blue speedo from Da. My heart falling too. Was he going to make him wear that? In front of them?

“Da can’t he wear real swim shorts?” I asked him.

“He could but neither one of you will be wearing them for long so, I figured it didn’t matter,” he sighed holding his hand out to take them back.

“Da you can’t be serious,” I said shaking my head at him.

“You want to try that again? Lionel is downstairs waiting. You want to misbehave I will tell him and you know what will happen. None of us are stupid. We know you hear rumors and guess what honey? They’re all true. So, think about that before you give me any more lip,” he said to me, “Get him dressed and I’ll meet you out in the living room in 10 minutes.”

With that, he left us standing there. My…my Jay. My little Jay and Da was just going to make us…they were going to take us downstairs. They were going to rape us. Unless I could find a way to do something. Anything to keep them from hurting him.  
“Come on bud let’s get you dressed,” I sighed heavily holding out the speedo that barely covered anything.

“Do you think he’s really going to make me wear that Willy?” he asked me.

“Well, you know Da’s rule about swimming inside and I…”

“He put his penis in me….,” he whimpered so high pitched that it hurt my ears, “Willy I don’t like him. He put his penis in me…”

I felt like my heart was breaking. I wanted to cry with him so badly and I couldn’t. I couldn't because there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it from happening again especially if I let myself get upset. If I couldn’t be good.

“I know,” I told him sitting down with him on the bed, “I know bud. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry buddy. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry buddy, I’m so sorry. I am. I don’t know how to get us out of this. I don’t know how to…”

“I’m sorry Willy. I’ll be good. I promise I’ll be good,” he sobbed.

He shouldn’t have to be good. Not like that. He was too little to have to ever be good like that. Me hugging him tightly holding onto him wishing I could do something to get him out of it. To have Da come into the room and tell him he could stay upstairs where he felt safe. Where he felt like he would be ok. None of this was fair. None of it.

“You need to get dressed ok?” I told him to which he rubbed his eyes vigorously while nodding his head before he sniffed holding out his hand.

I felt sick handing that speedo to him. He was a little boy. He was so little. He deserved so much better. So much better than the life that he had. He sighed heavily and then did this weird little dance before pulling off his clothes and putting the suit his face beet red as he looked at me shyly. I could tell he wanted more clothing then what he had just like how I felt. His face the same shade mine would be if I hadn’t been so worried about him.

“I feel silly,” he muttered staring at his toes.

“I know,” I said, “Me too. I think that means we have to go, though before he comes to get us.”

“Ok. You won’t leave me alone though, right Willy?”

“Right. I swear I won’t leave you alone with anyone,” I said before grabbing his hand and kissing it before I opened the door both of us walking out and almost running into Da.

“There you are! I was just coming to get you. Come with me guys,” he said walking us to the lift.

“Now just so you boys know I have a meeting with financial investors so I’m not going to be there but, Lionel and Leo do have some other business they need to discuss and they wanted lunch guest. So, you two are going to be their guests. You’re not eating in the formal living room and I’m sure they’ll send you upstairs after they are done with what they need. There are already fresh towels in the pool area so, I expect you to both behave yourselves,” Da told us as the lift opened on the second floor Da reaching out his arms to take James away from me.

“I can walk with him down the stairs Da,” I said.

“William you don’t speak to me like that. You say something like that you’re going to embarrass me and what Daddy L will do to you or let someone else do to you will be the least of your problems. Do you understand, young man?” Da asked me grabbing my arm hard and twisting it.

“I’m sorry Da,” I said, “James you have to go see Da ok?”

He nodded his head and slid out of my arms to his feet. Looking at Da who picked him up hefting him up in his hip, “You look cute James.”

He didn’t even say anything just buried his head in Da’s shoulder as his face turned so red the back of his neck was blushing. That’s what Da and Lionel meant when they said he was like me. Because he was shy and nervous and quiet and I felt guilty for it.  
I felt guilty because he had my genes because we had the same parents. But he had my mannerisms. He looked like me. And if I would have spoken up before mum agreed to move us to Florida then Lionel wouldn’t have had the chance to rape him. Da wouldn’t have had the chance to rape him. He would have been at Abington or Bilton with me Mike and Matt getting to start weekly boarding. He wouldn’t be in the mess we were in now. My brain unfreezing as we walked into the formal living room to see them both sitting there.

“There are our special guest. Are you ready to go swimming, my little one?” Lionel asked me giving me that smile that made my stomach feel funny as I realized how naked I was again.

“I hope you guys have a nice lunch. I’ll be back when I’m done with the investors meeting,” Da said walking up to Lionel and dropping James on his lap making his whole little body tense.

“What’s wrong my sweet little peach? What’s going on?” Lionel whispered wrapping his arms around him.

“They are sweet,” Leo said, “I was telling Connor that earlier that I imagine William here is going to be even more attractive than his older brother when the time comes.”

“Oh, William is very attractive now. Aren’t you, my little one?” he asked me as I took interest in my toes standing where I was. I didn’t want to hear them talk about me like that. Talk about my body like that, “Come here little one.”

I sighed thinking about how he had a hold of my little brother who was shaking almost like he was cold. Who couldn’t even look at the man whose lap he was sitting in because he was that afraid? How all he would have to do was decide he wanted to hurt him and that would be it. So, I had to be good, I had to be really good, me walking towards them.

“Why don’t you take off those cute little shorts you’re wearing?” Lionel asked me.

In front of Leo? In front of my little brother, him wrapping his arms around James’ shoulders and resting his head on Jay left shoulder his body leaning to the left under Lionel’s weight.

I nodded my head only to hear his usual prompt be uttered, “Use your words little one.”

“Ok Daddy L,” I said pulling on the elastic of my shorts pulling them down trying to use my hands to hide myself.

“No don’t hide your beauty, little one, let us see,” he told me as I sighed.

“They are really both too sweet,” Leo said nodding his head, “He almost has a V. That’s adorable. He even almost has…”

“Don’t remind me. That might be your thing but I’m starting to…”

“Oh, come on. He’s still sweet. Look at how red his little face is, come here sweetheart,” Leo said holding his hand out to me gesturing for me to come towards him, come closer.

“Now, now don’t be rude little one,” Lionel said starting to rub Jay’s shoulders, “How about we move this to the pool room?”

“For sure,” Leo said, “I could use a shot of protein before we swim. What about you Lionel?”

“Yes actually,” he said before he smiled up against Jay’s cheek whispering something in his ear. Jay’s shaking getting worse if that was even possible.

“Daddy L?” I asked quietly as he and Leo both stood up.

“Yes, my little one?” he asked me, “What are you thinking?”

“Can I carry him? Please?” I asked him.

“Would you like that my sweet peach? Would you like your big brother to carry you to the pool?” he asked James to which James nodded his head, “Use your words. We talked about that last time we were together, remember? How important words are?”

“Sorry Daddy L,” Jay barely managed, “I want Wi…Willy t-to carry me. Please?”

“Good job. Go ahead,” he said as James jumped off Lionel’s lap and ran to me.

He didn’t even care I was naked and I had almost forgotten myself because he looked so tiny and so scared. So terrified as I picked him up. He really…he really didn’t like Lionel not even a little bit. He seemed more afraid of Lionel than he was of Da. And that was saying something. Even though honestly, I was probably more afraid of Lionel than I was of Da too.

“You’re being so brave bud,” I whispered into his ear, “I’m so proud of you. You’re being so brave.”

He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream and, I could tell. I could feel it in the way he was shaking his shaking only making me aware of my own. The way I felt like I was shaking. Sure that something really bad was going to happen if I didn’t do exactly what I was told when I was told to do it.

I decided I had to do whatever it was for the both of us. I had to be my best for the both of us which meant trying to speak without prompting as we walked into the pool room Leo hitting the privacy shades. It was bright enough out he didn’t have to hit the lights. The fourth wall was ceiling to floor windows and overlooked the side yard which had a lounge area with an outside pit. Probably for parties that Da and mum never had.

It did provide a privacy fence on that side of the house though, so it wasn’t like our neighbors could see us naked. Which I’m sure we were all thankful for even if we didn’t realize it at the time considering Da’s no clothes in the indoor pool rule he had. The ceiling was mostly skylights. They did close or have guards in case of a hurricane but we rarely ever closed them.

“Set him down,” Lionel said waving his hand at me dismissively as I set him down gently, “Come here and see me, little peach. My sweet little peach.” Lionel said as Leo started coming towards me.

It took every cell in my body not to run or scream, to just breathe and try to hide my shaking as Jay looked at me. I gave him a tight-lipped smiling nodding my head as Leo pulled his shirt up over his head laying it on the lounge chair next to me.

“You are very pretty William,” Leo said talking to me causing me to take my eyes off Lionel who was also undressing getting ready to lead Jay into the pool. Making me nervous because he wasn’t the best swimmer in the world.

I nodded my head in response glancing at him. He sighed and before he responded, “Generally people use words. You really are a shy one, aren’t you? I’d say you’re probably shyer than John.”

“Sorry,” I said, “Thank you.”

“What?” he asked me, “I saw your lips move honey but, I didn’t hear anything.”

“Thank you,” I tried louder.

“How old are you again?” he asked me.

“11,” I answered making sure I spoke loudly enough for him to hear.

“What do you think you’ll be doing in 4 years?” he asked me.

Well, I’d probably still be at home considering in 3 years I’d be 14. I thought it was retarded he was asking. He laughed loudly like he was really amused with me.

“Sorry, I should have been more concise,” Leo told me, “Do you see yourself in a contract? I’m always looking for the next boy to…,” he said reaching for my hand, “spend time with.”  
“I’m…I’m Da…”  
“You won’t be in 3 years kid,” he pointed out, “He has a very particular taste and age range as do I. They just happen to not be the same. My boys are ideally between 13 and 17, well endowed and they are very receptive to their partners. Do you understand what I might be asking?”

“Are you trying to romance him, Leo? You’re only borrowing him you realize?” Lionel said causing both Leo and me to look over. He was in the center of the pool holding James. James was shaking like a little leaf. The sight making my heart hurt causing me to turn away because there wasn’t anything I could do. There wasn’t anything I could do but be good.

Leo laughed, “No. I’m not romancing him yet. I’m asking about the possibility.”

That shocked me that he was admitting to that, my face going red.

“You just scored his brother. Didn’t you just sign those papers?” Lionel asked him.

“Tomorrow we’re going to see if it’s agreed upon, yes,” Leo said.

“Oh, trust me Connor is very…,” Lionel started to say Leo interrupting him surprising me.

“With the boy. I might like roleplay but I do like an element of consent. Connor thought it would be beneficial to get it as well. He said that he tends to be more cooperative that way. I might want him to fight but I don’t want him to fight too hard,” Leo told Lionel.

“So, you’re already scoping for the one after? Don’t you think you should see how your current arrangement turns out?” Lionel asked him, “Before you try to take mine?”

“I don’t want him now! Not…” Leo squinted rocking his hand palm down from side to side, “ He’ll be more my speed in 2 or 3 years so I’m just asking. Even though I’m starting to get thirsty.”

“That does sound like a pleasant idea. What do you think my little peach do you want to give Daddy L a drink? Will you nurse me?” he asked James loud enough for me to hear.

We both knew what that meant. Me reminding myself that I had to stay calm. That I had to be good, so no one got hurt. So James didn’t get hurt Leo turning to me and putting his hand on my chin grazing his thumb over my lower lip as he pulled me down onto the chair next to him even though he was still wearing his pants, not completely undressed.

“What do you say?” Leo asked me, “I am thirsty and there is nothing to drink. Do you have something for me?”

He leaned in close causing me to close my eyes just so I could keep breathing. I could feel his breath on my face and I knew if I had to look at him I was going to plead with him not to. Plead with him to stop touching me and I knew it was important I was quiet. That I was good. I didn’t resist when I felt his tongue brush against my lips as he kissed me, as he forced me to lay back sitting on my lap. His weight hurting my legs as he muttered at me running a hand through my hair slowly.

“Open your eyes. I want to see your eyes,” he told me causing me to gulp but open my eyes his hand still on my chin his eyes looking directly into mine making me feel frozen, cold, “You do have his eyes. Beautiful eyes. Do all of you have green eyes?” he asked me.

“I…I think so,” I answered.

“Your Dad says your mum was a looker the only thing she didn’t have when they were younger was…,” his hand going to my lap grabbing my shaft making me gasp in surprise, “This…” he whispered against my lips before he started kissing me again.

It took everything in me not to push him away. Not to scream at him to let me go as I heard a soft whimpering starting somewhere behind Leo. I knew what was probably happening. Making me wish I could scream. Making me want to scream but knowing there wasn’t anything I could do for him but be good. Be good and hope it was enough that Leo would stop. Let me make sure he was ok. He was just little tiny. He didn’t deserve what was happening. He was so tiny.

“You taste good too. Do you think that’s a genetic thing?” Leo asked me breaking the kiss before latching onto the skin of my breastbone with his teeth surprising me, making me gasp sharply and whimper before he started licking down my center biting into the soft skin painfully every few inches a soft pop sounding as he broke suction on a spot he’d been biting and sucking on for a couple of seconds right above my belly button grabbing my shaft again and stroking it as he smiled at me, “It’s full isn’t it? Full of juice just for me? Are you going to give me a drink?” he asked me.

I didn’t want his mouth there but I did at the same time. Him reminding me the last person to put their mouth there really was a two year old. A baby. The memory-making my face feel warm making it turn red.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” he said before licking down my shaft to my tip letting out a satisfied moan as he did so before pulling me into his mouth.

The sounds he made while he was doing it seemed to cover up whatever was going on in the pool or close to the pool until it got to be too much for him. For his little body to handle him shrieking like he had screamed the night Uncle Ben had made him do that while Lionel listened over the phone. His cries growing so loud it was the only thing I could hear as I felt it, him even though his finger was unlubed pushing it into me and up against my prostate my body giving over to him, giving him what he wanted only a few minutes later my whole body shuddering so badly my thighs and calves started cramping and then just like that, it was over.

He kissed my cheek as he looked at me, smiling, “It must be genetic. Just like I remember it. Do you want to go swim now? Get cleaned off a little bit. Daddy L is done. Come on,” he said holding his hand out for me to take.

I felt like I had no choice but to take it letting him help me walk over to the pool my legs feeling like wet noodles. He slid into the pool from the side before pulling me in as well. He had been right Lionel was done James’ eyes closed tightly as Lionel lazily waded around in the water holding him. James’ whole body limp like he was sleeping or maybe, hopefully, blacked out somewhere he didn’t have to know what was going on.

“Time for business?” Leo asked coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around my shoulders, “Now that we’ve had our protein of course.”

“Of course. So, item number 1. Can you tell me what we are doing to alleviate that?” Lionel asked Leo.

“I wrote up a good case. Said that the complaints that were made were delusions caused by Paranoia brought on by post-partum psychosis. Recommended that for safety reasons main treatment should be ECT. 6 rounds,” Leo said.

“Good, how long will that hold the problem at bay?” Lionel said, “And will it help alleviate it in the long run?”

“We’re working on opioid dependency as well. That should help keep it contained in the long run. 6 rounds should take holding to Thanksgiving just about. After that, we’ll see how it goes. If things need to be adjusted they will be adjusted accordingly since someone is talking about producing more merchandise. Probably not immediately but at some point in the future.”

“Of course,” Lionel said smiling running his hand lazily up and down Jay’s naked back his hand dipping under the water as he made the motion, his hand going lower than it should ever be going as James continued to remain limp, “What about the second item?”

“That one seems to be going easier. Like I said after agreements are made he’s up for release. The way the techs go at those boys he’ll have had his fill in a couple of days if he hasn’t already. It’s easy to persuade them into behaving with Neal and Glenn on the team.”

“Of that I am aware, and our 3rd?” Lionel asked Leo.

“I’m thinking he might be salvageable if…”

“He stabbed Palmer in the eye with a pen. He is beyond salvageable we’re not going to turn anything if we try to unload him. No one will want him.”

“He’s pretty,” Leo said shrugging his shoulders his weight moving on my back.

“It doesn’t matter. Take care of it,” Leo said.

“Mercy or do you want me to call Anderson?” Leo asked.

Lionel sighed, “He was sweet at one point so try to find a medium point? I’ll call Dr. Palmer and see what he thinks. Usually, he leans one way or the other. I imagine he won’t have much sympathy for this one though considering he did stab Dr. Palmers father in the eye with a pen. Remind me to thank Hank by the way. Throw a little get together at some point.”

“Of course,” Leo said nodding his head behind me

“Good, good,” Lionel said nodding his head, “And what about…?”

“4? Four I did an eval last week I think he’s still salvageable as well. Honestly, he’s good. He’s now on medication for his depression. He’s no longer inflicting pain on himself. I would, however, recommend that if he housed with others he be in a household with no younger children. Just to be safe. I’d say he’s ready for release and there has…”

“Lou called me already he said that you suggested a meeting and wanted to get my permission. They have done very well with their boy and while he is slightly younger than what’s his name…?

“Adam, I believe,” Leo said at Lionel’s pause.

“Adam, while he’s slightly younger than Adam he’s not young enough where Adam would pose any problem I don’t think. They’ve brought theirs up well. Speaking of Lou told me he was currently…?”

“At the vacation house? Yes, he is. He tried to go swinging,” Leo said before chuckling a little at his joke, “He’s doing fine now though. He’s been there for four weeks and he’s beyond ready for release Lou just wanted to get some things in order.”

“You mean to cover the exposed rafters in the great room?” Lionel said smiling as well, “Yes, that would be a good idea. What about number 5?”

“Number five we’re going to have to take care of. He’s been telling everyone a lie and I’ve told staff not to correct it just to see how often it changes. No one knows what he’s really there for at this point, even most of the staff really. Not that I blame him but he’s a sociopath. Neal said he’s been…well, he highly offended the sensibilities of one of the fairer staff members. He made some very suggestive comments towards…”

“Yours? How has he managed to survive this long I wonder?” Lionel interrupted.

“Because I think someone would notice if he keeled over in the middle of my facility. The last thing we need is for the state to get involved at Wood Haven. Especially with all the precautions, we have taken when it comes to implementing staff and monitoring our own interest. Only two staff are not affiliated in some way and I think it would raise an eye if the state were to find out that more than half our staff is related or has certain connections outside of work like church, the schools their children or wards attend, doctors they use, social circles in general. It would have us looked at very closely by the medical board and then the state police would be called in and while Hank is looking for a transfer to state right now he’s only local so we…”  
“Yes, I realize. We must be careful. Especially now that Freeman is getting close to retiring. Morgan also just put in for a transfer to state and Mason is running for the district this coming election so as long as everything goes the way it should all of that should be squared away,” Lionel said.

My eyes must have bugged out or something because Lionel cleared his throat before he addressed me, “Little one if I hear about any of this from anywhere I’m going to know where it came from. So, I suggest you think very carefully before you repeat any of what you just heard otherwise…” James let out a yelp punctuating Lionel’s sentence as he smiled, “I’m sure you understand, yes?”

“Yes, Daddy L,” I Muttered nodding my head in agreement.

“Good. How about you take this sweet little peach and go upstairs? Rest while Dr. Swartzman and I discuss other issues?”

“Yes, Daddy L,” I said reaching out as he pulled James away from his body and turned him around to face me, James, starting to doggy paddle wildly towards me as I grabbed him and helped him swim to the shallow end of the pool before grabbing a towel by the door and wrapping it around us. Hurrying to get out of the room before he started screaming and whimpering again.

Once the door was shut and we were in the kitchen I sat down in a chair pressing his face into my shoulder lightly as he started sobbing rocking him back and forth gently, “You did so great. You were so brave, bud. You were amazing. I’m so proud of you. I’m beyond proud of you, bud. You were so good. I’m so sorry but, you were so brave. So brave, bud. Mummy and John would be beyond proud. You did so well. We’re safe. We’re safe now.”

I rocked him until he started to quiet down until he started to relax before I got up and walked us to the lift walking past Alice and into my room setting James down in the tub before I climbed in starting the water as I held him tightly, cuddled him like Cole had cuddled me previously wrapping my body around his making him feel as safe as I could manage.

We sat there in silence for a while. I’m not even sure how long before he muttered something so quietly I couldn’t hear it over the running water.

“What bud?” I asked kissing the crown of his head.

“He used his mouth,” he muttered louder, loud enough for me to hear.

“I know,” I told me, “Leo did too,” I said my whole body feeling like it slid or shifted as he turned around to look at me his eyes wide shocked.

“He hurt you?” James asked me.

“Well, we talked about how it just tickles so much it hurts last time. Yeah, he hurt me,” I nodded my head.

“But I was right there, Willy. I was right there!” he said the volume of his voice starting to raise in shock. I put my finger to my lips to tell him to lower his voice.

“I know. And that’s ok. You were being hurt too. I was glad you didn’t see it,” I told him.

“Why didn’t you scream? I tried not to scream but it always…it feels like bubbles and it hurts,” he sniffled.

“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “Yeah it does. I had to be really good, though. Remember how we talked about how you don’t want to make Daddy L mad?”

He nodded his head looking at me.

“I was being quiet so I didn’t make him mad. It’s very important we never ever make him mad, ok? Very, very important. You did so good at keeping him happy and I’m so proud of you for that. You didn’t scream nearly as much as you did with Uncle Ben,” I pointed out.

“Because we were together. You always say if we’re together we’re going to be ok. So, I knew I’d be ok even if it hurt. Even when it tickled so bad it burned. I knew I’d be ok eventually because you were there. That if I just stayed good everything would be ok,” he told me.

“And you were right,” I told him smiling, “I love you bud. I love you so much. I’m so proud of you. Do you need help washing?”

He shook his head at me, “No he didn’t put his mouth there really just on the front.” His eyes going wide as he realized what he had just said.

“No, I know. He’s made me do things too. It’s ok. I won’t say anything, ok?”

He sighed visibly relaxing and nodding his head in understanding, “I don’t like them. I wish Daddy didn’t make me play with him. I really don’t like him. His mouth makes me feel sticky.”

“I know,” I agreed, “How about you stand up and wash and then you can climb out and I’ll wash. Then I’ll find us some clothes and we’ll take a nap ok? Does that sound all right?”

He nodded his head me handing him the shower pouf and putting some body wash on it before he washed and climbed out waiting for me to finish my own shower.


	53. Chapter 53

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will spends a surprisingly tame night in bed with Da to be woken up and find Mike in the nursey tending to the youngest siblings even though he seems out of sorts. Mike confiding something in Will that has never been talked about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1340 to 1350. A short chapter so not a whole lot going on. Most of it is dialogue. **Warnings: Talk of child sexual abuse, talk of child rape, forced kissing,** Not sure what chapter this is for John's part 2 will fix it later.

After I got us dressed we climbed into bed. He was so exhausted he didn’t even cry just fell asleep a knock waking us up hours later for supper Alice letting us eat in my room and not be bothered even though Mike did come in shortly after we were finished eating to tell us about how Uncle Ben let him and Mike and even Cat pick out toys are toys R us for being good during their fittings him asking us what we did while they were gone. I told him we didn’t really do anything because while I had promised to be honest I didn’t want to draw attention to myself and I was certain that Jay just wanted to be left alone. Jay sighed with relief when he left.

“Is John coming home for school?” Jay asked me.

“I don’t know bud, I think so,” I told him.

“I miss him,” he told me.

“I miss him too. I miss him a lot,” I agreed.

“I miss mummy too,” he told me.

God yes. I missed her like a fish on land must miss water. I needed her. I needed her to tell me it was ok and that I was brave, strong. I needed her to tell me that it was ok to be mad, to hate them all. I needed her to just be there.

To be my mum and yet she wasn’t there. And chances were they had said something about her in front of me and I had just been too tired and too freaked out to notice me thinking back to what Leo and Lionel had said. How one of the items was undergoing ECT and wouldn’t be released until close to Thanksgiving. The way they had been talking made me wonder if that was mum. Made me wonder what ECT was and why they were giving it to her.

At one point everyone climbed into my bed after brushing their teeth and we started reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of secrets as our bedtime book. Everyone sitting down excitedly Laura and Andy even attempting to do so probably just because everyone else was doing it and eventually it was time for everyone to go to bed. I remember getting up and walking everyone to their own rooms before making sure James was safely tucked into my bed and making an excuse to leave quietly because I knew Da would come for me. I didn’t know if he would make me have sex but, I knew he’d want to see me and sure enough around 9:30 close to the time I usually went to sleep the lift kicked on.

Alice had left long before then around 7 which was the time that Cat and James went to sleep especially on school nights me standing up and coming towards him.

“Lionel said you were really good for him and Leo honey. Thank you,” he told me.

I nodded my head wondering why he was talking and not just making me follow him onto the lift as we looked at each other. Me wondering what it was he wanted if he didn’t want me to go downstairs with him.

“Da are we…?” I asked him.

“What? Oh! We are going to go downstairs yes, I just want to talk with you for a minute,” he told me grabbing my hand and making me sit back down on the sofa with him, “I’m sure you were listening to their business conversation, yes?” he asked me.

“Yes, Daddy L said not to say anything to anyone,” I told him.

“Good,” he said, “Good. I’m sure you’ve probably figured some things out though. About your brother for instance. What do you think?”

“About what?” I asked him.

“Well, I did talk to Leo and Lionel on their way out. He said that Leo really enjoyed your company which was strange because usually, he doesn’t like boys as young as you. He wants to contract you when you are more suited to his tastes. By then your brother will be 16 or 17 and looking at contracts that can offer different benefits. What do you think?”

He was asking me if I wanted to fuck Leo? No. No I didn’t want to fuck Leo now and I didn’t see that changing in 3 years when John would be too old for Leo I guess? No, I really…

“3 years is a long time,” I said quietly.

“Yes, it’s a long time to think about it. I was just wondering what you thought about it now. Lionel doesn’t free his boys up. He will find you a contract with someone he trusts. If he doesn’t there could be issues. Not here of course but there is always a bit of a struggle going on between charters even if it’s friendly. Someone from our charter could be conspiring with someone from another and if they wanted to upset Lionel a way to get to him would be to upset one of his former contracts so he prefers to set up the following relationship. So, he’ll let you know who it’s with when the time comes but after that point, if you’re good he’ll probably let you pick the next contract, so you should think about it. Leo as long as his boys behave well I’ve heard he’s very accommodating.”

Accommodating? Of what? Did that mean he’d date me, but he wouldn’t make me have sex if I didn’t want to? I didn’t get that impression from Leo at all. 

“What do you mean he will set up the…” I barely managed to get out.

“He’ll pick your next contract holder. It’ll be someone he knows he can trust not to hurt you,” Da repeated.

“Who?” I asked.

“I don’t know, buffalo bill? How am I supposed to know honey, honestly?” he said frowning at me, “Anyway, you’re spending the night with me. I don’t think I’m in the mood, but I like someone to hold so if you could please sleep with me it would make me very happy. When you wake up in the morning I want you to strip your bed and help Alice get James ready and grab the pair of jeans John was wearing when he came back from that god-awful place your mum took you to. That way we can make sure we get him the right sizes. Then you’ll go to lunch with your uncle and come home. By then your new bed should be here and put together and we’ll spend tomorrow night upstairs in your room ok?” he told me.

“Jay sleeps in my room with me,” I said quietly.

“That stops. Tomorrow night he sleeps in his own room like a big boy or he can share a bed with the two of us. Which I’m not sure would please certain people because they wouldn’t be included but I am your handler and can do whatever I please whenever I please,” Da pointed out to me.

“Ok Da,” I said, “I’ll make sure he starts sleeping in his own room.”

“Good,” Da said, “Do you have any questions about your mum?”

“What’s ECT? They talked about giving it to Matty with mum. And Leo said something about it. I don’t know if he was talking about mum but, I think he was,” I told him.

“It’s where they put her to sleep and shock her brain. It’ll make her feel better. It will help her forget bad things and make her happier. Trust me if I thought it would hurt her I wouldn’t allow them to do it. Because I do love your mum even if you boys don’t always think I do,” he told me as we stood up him taking my hand and leading me to the lift.

“But you love John more,” I said quietly my eyes going wide as I realized what I had just said.

“Well,” Da said sighing heavily, “I wouldn’t say I love him more. I love him differently. I love your mum because she’s taken care of me, she takes care of all of you. She even took care of Ben when he was younger. She’s given me everything I have asked of her and in return, I have always given her everything she needs. There are certain needs that I have that your mum cannot meet no matter how hard she tries. You and your brothers help me meet those needs.”

“What about Cat?” I asked him.

“I’m preparing her to help me meet other needs when your mum no longer can. Do you think I’ve penetrated Catherine?” he asked the question shocking me.

I hoped he hadn’t. I prayed he hadn’t, but she was the only girl and she was almost 5. He’d been sticking his fingers in me for at least that long if not longer. He’d been touching me since before I was 5. I was pretty sure even if the memories of it were hazy. So how was I supposed to think he wasn’t doing that to her?

“I don’t know,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

“Look,” he said hugging me pulling me into his chest, “I love all of you very much. I really love you. Love shouldn’t be limited by social boundaries. They don’t know anything. Those people out there aren’t smart like we are. They don’t understand what they are depriving themselves of by not teaching their children about their bodies and how to enjoy them.

I’m teaching Catherine to enjoy her body and allow others to help her enjoy it just like I am teaching it to you and your brothers and just like I will be starting to teach your younger brothers and sisters very soon. I have not penetrated her with my love muscle yet because of how young she is and it’s my personal choice to do so. I could very well start doing that with her if I wanted to but, I prefer to teach with pleasure and I believe starting too soon causes more harm than waiting for the appropriate time. I don’t know why I’m explaining this to you,” Da sighed heavily.

“Because I’m smart?” I asked him.

“Maybe,” he told me, “You are very intelligent for your age. Your poor brother he’s so much like your mum. You must have gotten the brains from me because your brother is very much like your mum sometimes I swear. Just a pretty face and an empty head.”

“He’s not,” I said shaking my head, “He just…”

“If he was smart he would have understood what doing what he did would cost him without ever having to experience it. So, don’t defend him. He’s better off when he doesn’t try to think,” Da said coldly as the lift opened, “Come on let’s go to sleep.”

With that, we walked down the hall to his room and climbed into bed. He turned off the lights and then went to sleep. That night he didn’t rape me. He held me to his chest as he slept. He let me keep my clothes on. He didn’t make me have oral sex with him or any type of sex. The only thing he did that was sexual was grab me in a very inappropriately to wake me up around 5 am before he went up to his home office for work, forcing his tongue in my mouth and then telling me to brush my teeth.

I didn’t stay there. I went upstairs. No one would have checked on the babies and they mostly sleeping through the night. They only woke up once or twice for a diaper change or a bottle. I doubted Mike and Matt would have woken up to take care of it unless they had screamed their heads off. Which Mike would have responded to and sure enough when I got up to the nursery he was awake changing nappies.

“Are you ok Mike?” I asked him.

“Jay kept me up all night. When you didn’t go to bed,” he told me seeming beyond tired yet somehow still awake. Still moving.

“I’m sorry,” I told him, “Da…

“I don’t care,” he said, “I’m tired, Willy. I’m so tired. I need you to help me.”

“Right,” I said getting up and grabbing Seamus getting ready to lay him on the floor to change him.

“He’s already done. Get Mac,” he told me to which I nodded my head switching babies.

“I’m sorry Mike. What else is going on?” I asked him.

This wasn’t like Mike at all. It made me wonder what else was wrong that he was being so mean towards me. If it had something to do with going out and getting uniforms yesterday or something else.

“Nothing, just help,” he muttered at me.

“No secrets,” I reminded him.

“Matty,” he muttered, “When I finally got James to quit crying I went to my room and Matty was there and I…”

He trailed off sighing heavily as he put Mary back in her crib rubbing his temples slowly with his fingers in a small circle like he had a headache. Just seeing him this frustrated and this angry worried me. It made me worry about what Uncle Ben might have done to him yesterday. What Matty had made him do last night and what I could do to help him. It made me wonder if there even was anything I could do to help him.

“Mike?” I asked him quietly, “You can tell me what happened. It’s ok.”

“NO, IT’S NOT!” he said so loudly he must have scared himself putting his hand over his mouth.

“I didn’t mean it like that. I meant it’s ok to tell me. Come here pal,” I said opening my arms.

He seemed like he was upset with me so, I was surprised when he nearly threw himself at me. He hugged me burying his face against my shirt as he started crying. This poor kid.

He didn’t deserve whatever had happened. None of us did. And I had been gone for almost a week and John too and mum had been gone for almost three. I couldn’t imagine how stressed out he was. Probably just about as stressed out as I was. I knew all of us were suffering because mum wasn’t there but, at that moment, I felt like I had underestimated how badly we were suffering because of it. Seriously underestimated it. 

I walked us over to the daybed and laid down with him wrapping my arms around him and hushing him. Doing my best to make him feel safe as he hugged me, clung to me and cried. It made me wonder what Matty was doing to him that he wasn’t talking about. Mike was usually quiet for the most part but, it made me realize just how much quieter he had been lately. Me holding him tightly as he started to quiet down.

“Are you feeling better?” I asked him quietly once his sobs silenced.

He sat up and nodded his head at me, “I’m sorry Willy. I’m trying to be good. I really am.”

He was always good. He was beyond good. He never made a fuss. Hardly ever. It had taken him forever to even open up in Montana. He told me things none of us had even realized were going on. Confirming some of the suspicions I’d had about the relationship he had with Matt. How sometimes things weren’t all one-sided. Me wondering if maybe that was a part of the problem was the relationship had become one-sided since we left Montana.

“Mike?” I said, “I’m not trying to pry here but did Matty do something that you didn’t want him to?”

Mike nodded his head, “I mean I’ll be ok. I just…I don’t know why but, I wasn’t expecting it. I wasn’t expecting him to…,” Mike trailed off.

“I’m sorry,” I told him, “I’m really sorry. Do you need me to do anything for you?”

“No,” he shook his head, “I already took a shower. So, I already feel a little better I just…I…I don’t know Willy. I don’t know.”

“Don’t know what?” I asked.

Apparently, that was the magic question him sighing as he looked at me and then visibly relaxed. I’m not sure if it was the timing or what about it had worked but suddenly he seemed a lot more relaxed, a lot more open than he had been since we had gotten home about anything. The words pouring out of him suddenly.

“I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I was expecting but I wasn’t expecting him to make me do that. Not after I said no. He’s never made me do that before when I’ve said no. Other things before, sure but not that. I love him. I don’t even know how to explain it, Willy, but I love him. I do. I just…I don’t like it when he does that. I don’t. I’ve told him that before and he always says he’s sorry after he…after I refuse to look at him, to let him touch me. But, I don’t like doing that. I don’t like having to fight with him just to get him to admit he was wrong and say he’s sorry for something he knew he shouldn’t do. That I didn’t want to do it,” Mike told me.

“You don’t have to tell me but…”

“He made me…you know,” Mike said quietly shrugging his shoulders as he looked at his lap.

I thought I understood but I wasn’t 100% sure. We were all being subjected to the same things even though there were only so many things they could do to us or, so we thought. It made me wonder what he meant exactly. I mean they weren’t very big physically just in general, so I didn’t imagine Matt being able to penetrate him at least that way. However, that did make me wonder what Matt had managed to make him do when he said no.

“He made you…what?”

“Use my mouth,” Mike said his eyes going wide as he continued to stare at his lap.

Oh. Well shit. That wasn’t ever fun, and it always felt like you were choking on a dick because let’s be honest, you’re choking on a dick. It’s not very comfortable.

“Are you ok?” I asked him.

“Physically? Yeah, I’m fine. He’s stronger than I am. I’m not about to fight back. He doesn’t like fighting anyway,” he told me.

“Maybe you should fight him then,” I told him.

“I…,” Mike shook his head.

“If he doesn’t listen when you say no. You need to fight him. Look, I know we can’t fight back against them and no one would dare to say no to Da. Or uncle Ben for that matter but Matty isn’t them. Fight back against him. I honestly think you could take him,” I told him.

“I don’t think so,” Mike told me.

“Look, you might think you’re weaker, I don’t know why but, physically you’re the same size. Mike, you are a match cell for cell with Matt. You could take him and hold your own I’m sure of it. So, think about that next time, ok? Next time he tries to force you to do something you fight. Hell, scream. You think he’d do it in front of someone else?” I asked him.

“Probably not,” he admitted.

“Then fight him. Yell, something ok, Pal?” I told him.

“Ok,” he said, “but what if he gets mad? What if he hurts Andy? Andy can’t fight back Willy. He’s too little. If I’m nice even when I don’t want to do it he’ll leave Andy alone.”

“He’s been on that again? A lot?” I asked him.

“I told you what he did. What do you think?” Mike asked me rolling his eyes as he finally looked up at me.

“You tell me,” I said to him.

“He dreams about it. Me and Andy mostly,” Mike told me, “It scares me less when it’s just me. When he’s just thinking about me. He really wants to hurt Andy sometimes. He wants to choke him and hear him scream. I don’t know why. I don’t understand why but thinking about Andy screaming like he made him scream the other day makes him happy. It just makes me feel sick.”

“What about when he thinks of hurting you? What does that make him feel?” I asked curious to see what he thought.

“Happy sometimes. Sometimes it makes him really sad,” he told me, “I …I don’t know what to do. He’s getting sick again. Like he used to be before we left Da. He wasn’t always like this. He used to be nice. And then…bad things happened.”

“What bad things?” I asked him.

He shook his head. Matt had mentioned the bad things before in our sessions with Julie, but he had never gone into detail about it. Never told me what the bad things were. I had never asked Mike before but if anyone else knew what the bad things were Mike would. Mike would know what it was.

“Da,” he said quietly surprising me. 

Not the fact that it had something to do with Da, that to me wasn’t surprising at all but more the fact that he had said anything about it. That he had actually associated it with something. I remember being afraid to speak because I was afraid of interrupting him if he wanted to say more, of somehow stopping him from talking about it.

“Da used to…he’d hurt him. Especially after mummy and he fought. When he was home, and you guys were at school. Back home. Mummy would lock him out of the bedroom sometimes. Most of the time he slept on the sofa but sometimes I’d wake up and he’d…Matty would always give me this look and tell me in our heads to keep my eyes closed. To go back to sleep. Sometimes his body hurt so bad though and Da always said weird things. He told him he liked it when his …when he ate his pickle. That he was his pickle eater and he used both his mouths. He used to cry so hard and it used to hurt him so bad. When he cried too much Da would tell him he’d make me do it instead and so he’d…”

Oh god. He blamed himself. He blamed himself for the way Matty was because Matty had just been trying to protect him. Just like John had protected me and I had been protecting them. 

“It was only after that, that Da started calling him that, that he started hating me. Only sometimes. And then…Andy was born. I don’t know if he hates Andy or if he loves him or what because his head is just bad Willy.  
Matty’s head is just that bad and that’s only from what I see sometimes. He lives there all the time and he can’t get out. He never gets out and I think sometimes it’s just easier for him to not fight it anymore.

To let the bad things make him feel good because he can’t fight it anymore. Otherwise, I think he’d just be sad and mad all the time if he didn’t let the bad things make him feel better even if he doesn’t do them. But after a while, he wants to. He wants to do the bad things and I know he does because thinking about them isn’t enough anymore. I want him back Willy. I ….”

“Shhh…Shhh, …it’s not your fault pal. It’s not your fault,” I told him, “How old were you when Da started doing that?”

“I don’t know,” he told me, “I don’t remember. I remember it being after mummy moved us to the toddler beds. When you started sharing a room with Jack on the weekends remember?”

Our school back home didn’t allow anyone under the age of seven to board. They had day commuters and what they called boarding and weekly boarding. They accepted pupils as young as four but anyone under the age of seven couldn’t board. We had moved home shortly after John turned 8 and I had been 5 almost six. I had been seven when mum had moved them out of the nursery and into the room next door so that I was sharing with John when we came home for the weekend.

They had been five. Where Da had waited to penetrate me and John until we were 8 he had started raping Matt when he was five if not younger. The idea making me want to scream. And James six and he’d already raped him. The idea scaring me. Making me wonder if that’s what he had been saying last night. That he was waiting because he knew starting too young would cause too many problems. He knew. He knew because he’d done it to Matty. He’d seen what it had done and what it was doing to Matty.

“So, he raped him. Not just rubbed up on him or used his mouth he…,” I trailed off talking more to myself than to Mike who still answered my question.

“Yeah,” Mike said, “Before he wasn’t like that. He was happy. I remember him being happy and not just when he thought about hurting other things or people. He used to be good. And I miss him. I miss him so much and he’s gone becau…”

“No, pal, it’s not because of you,” I told him kissing the top of his head, “It’s not because of you. You didn’t do that to him. Da did. That part of him is gone because of Da not because of you.”

“I want him back. I want him back so bad Willy. And sometimes it’s…sometimes he’s him and then so often he’s not. He’s not him like he was, and I miss him so much. I really do he isn’t always bad Willy. He’s not.” He told me.

“I believe you,” I told him, “I wish I had known him better. Maybe then I’d understand better. Maybe we all would.”

“He was starting to come back. When mummy took me to be with him he was acting more like he used to and now he’s not acting like that anymore. He’s the bad Matty again. And I don’t like it.”

The medication was wearing out of his system. Mike was right, he was going back to how he had been before Montana. Before all the therapy. He hadn’t been ready to come home yet. He hadn’t been ready for any of this yet. For being around them or around Mike 24/7. He simply hadn’t been ready to face that, and it was overwhelming him. He needed to be hospitalized.

I was still tired, and I knew Mike was still tired. I had spent the night being cuddled and cuddling was the last thing I wanted but…, “Hey Pal you want to go cuddle with Jay in my bed? Try and go back to sleep?”

“Maybe,” he told me, “I just…I…”

“I know but I think for right now we just have to. We have to try and think about it as there being two different Matty’s ok? And right now, we’re stuck with this one. That doesn’t mean the other Matty won’t come back. It just means he’s gone for right now ok? I know you miss him and you want him back but try to think for right now that he’s away. Ok?”

“I don’t know Willy,” he told me, “I don’t know.”

“It’ll be ok. We’ll figure it out,” I promised him. I hated myself even as I said the words knowing that it was a promise I might not be able to keep, “I love you. Go cuddle up with Jay ok Pal? I’ll stay here with the babies. Try to get some sleep before Alice gets here and I have to wake Jay up and take him to go get our uniforms fitted. I love you,” I told him.

“Ok,” he nodded his head before kissing my cheek, “I love you too. You want me to turn off the light?”

“Yes, please,” I said settling in on the daybed and laying down slowly falling back to sleep.


	54. Chapter 54

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plans change and Ben is left to take Will and James out for the uniform fittings before taking them to a surprise gathering at Tony's restaurant only to come home beyond exhausted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1350 to 1389. **Warnings: rape non-con, camera, photographs, CP, forced touching, forced same age touching (or child on child), forced kissing, groping, molestation, forced restraints, anxiety, mental health issues,** A lot going on in this chapter. John is still in the hospital. There was a lot that happened while John was in the hospital for those 10 days I will give a chapter estimate later.

I fell asleep and managed to sleep some for once with no nightmares, no one moving beside me or cuddling into me that I wasn’t ready to deal with. Just sleep. Simple solitary sleep. The thing waking me up being the light that was switching on so that Alice could open the curtains and let some sunlight in as she looked at me.

“That little one still in your bed sugar?” she asked me.

“Mike too,” I said rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

“I’m guessing things went south after I left for the night then. What time did your Daddy let you come back upstairs?” she asked me.

“5 am,” I answered.

“I’ll be having a talk with him. About everyone being in their own beds. Speaking of he told me to remind you to strip your bed and your brothers and then…”

“Grab a pair of his pants and a shirt,” I said, “Yeah I know. Do you know what time we’re leaving?”

“I think about nine. So, you have about 2 hours. I’m going to start oatmeal in a minute. You might want to go get Mike and Jamie out of your bed and then start getting ready,” she told me.

I took a shower walking past the two sleeping bodies in my bed before I woke them up. When I did wake them, I got them out of the bed and stripped it after I got dressed. When I went into John’s room I found the bed already stripped a pair of pants that were currently sized in the laundry hamper and took them and folded them up before going out into the dining room and eating. 

James looked at me, bags under his little eyes like he hadn’t slept at all last night. He probably hadn’t slept good in at least a week. Not with me being gone and then Da taking off with me again and then me sleeping with Da. His anxiety was high just like mine and Da removing me from home all the time wasn’t making it any easier.

I was personally glad that Da or Uncle Ben was taking both of us. Making him come with me just because of the fact I felt like his separation anxiety was getting worse. Even though it didn’t take a detective to figure out why that was happening. Mum had been removed for our home and then John and me even if it was temporary. We were his protectors. We were the people that made him feel safe and even if it was only for five days he hadn’t been allowed to have any of us. And that was a lot for a six-year-old to handle. One who already didn’t feel safe.

The lift kicked on and Da came upstairs with Uncle Ben. James and I already ready to go. Ready to get fitted and then go to lunch or where ever it was we were going.

“Ok you two, you got what I asked for?” Da asked me.

“Yes, Da,” I said James grabbing ahold of my waist and almost hiding his face in it. 

He really was afraid of them. Not that I blamed him. I mean he heard the things Uncle Ben said to and about everyone else. Da raped him and let someone else do the same thing. I mean I was terrified of them and I was twice as old as he was just about considering I was 11 and he was only 6.

“Ok, go out. Have a good day. Be good for your Uncle Boys,” Da said hugging me and then kissing the top of Jay’s head as we got in the lift with Uncle Ben as I handed the pair of pants to James, so he had something to hold onto. As I put my arm around him.

“Are you boys ready to start school next week?” he asked us.

“I am,” I answered.

“Are you really looking forward to spending that much time with the Huber boys? One of them is in the same grade as you, right?” Uncle Ben asked me, reminding me that I was supposed to have Wallace as my mentor.

That took any excitement I had about going to school away right there. Thinking about, wondering if mentoring was going to be like that.

“You ok?” he asked me, causing me to nod my head.

“Why do you look like you’re about to cry then?” he asked me.

“I’m not,” I said hugging Jay tighter to my side, “I’m fine.”

“You sure about that?” he asked me, “You don’t look fine. Daddy L a little harder to handle than you thought he would be?”

“Don’t be mean,” James said beside me quietly.

“I’m not being mean. I’m just asking him a question. Don’t be bossy,” Uncle Ben said.

I was actually surprised he said it calmly. Almost patient. Usually that was something he didn’t have even with the babies. When I was that age and I saw him for Christmas or whatever he would always be horrible towards me. If I cried or told him he was being mean he would tell me to suck it up. To be a big boy. Here James was calling him mean and he was just telling him not to be bossy. Being unusually patient with him.

“I’m fine,” I said again pulling James closer to my side.

“You and your brother are pains. You don’t need to coddle him. I’m not going to do anything to him. I can’t promise Macabee won’t but…that’s a different problem entirely considering he’s going to be Daddy L’s officially very soon,” Uncle Ben said smiling.  
My stomach instantly felt sick. I was Lionel’s. He was wrong. Lionel was going to make me train him before he ever…that meant. No. There had to be more time. There had to be more time. 

“God, you two. Can you tell me about something you watched on TV? Something? Anything interesting happening in life?” He asked.

“We’re kids,” I told him, “We don’t do that much.”

“Your Da told me about the party you went to the other night. Did you have fun?” he asked me.

I felt like it was a trick question to see how much he could upset me. Not that he knew what had happened. Not that Lionel would have told him and of course Wallace wasn’t telling anyone anything because while Lionel had apparently been ok with him grabbing my knee I didn’t think Lionel would be ok with him doing that. Especially when he had gotten pissed at some guy for touching Cole’s hand when Cole belonged to him. So, I could only imagine what he would do to me if he found out Wallace had basically dry humped me.

I shrugged my shoulders trying to keep how upset I was off my face. Trying really hard to not let it show. That I was thinking about that. About all of it, everything that had happened including the cameras in my face shrugging my shoulders, “I was just there because Da wanted me to be there.”

“Did you enjoy the film?” he asked me smiling.

“Da took you to see a film?” James asked looking up at me.

“It wasn’t…,” I sighed shooting Uncle Ben an annoyed look.

“What? He might have a chance at it one day too. By the way, they really like it. Apparently, you’re set for a couple more. I think he’s putting it in your trust,” Uncle Ben told me.

“What’s a trust?” James asked.

“Well, you know that we go to a fancy school, right?” I asked him.

“You mean how Robby says the school helps his mummy so, he can go there because they don’t have a lot of money? How I gave him my gym shoes because his had holes and them and he said his mummy couldn’t get him more yet?” he asked me.  
“Yes, like that. It means we have money. Or Da has money. A lot of money. Da has enough money that he can put money away for us. He’ll put money into it for different things until we’re old enough to have the money,” I explained to him.

“We have money?” he asked me his eyes going wide.

“You got a million dollars the day you were born pretty much,” Uncle Ben muttered.

“Is that a lot?” James whispered looking at me.

“Well, 100 pennies is one dollar, right?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Imagine this whole lift filled with pennies. It’d probably be more pennies than that,” I told him.

“That’s a LOT!” he said his mouth so wide it looked like he might dislocate his jaw, “And daddy is giving you more pennies?”

“It’s not real pennies, bud,” I told him, “That was just an example to give you an idea of what a big amount of money it is.”

“He’s not just giving Will more pennies. He earned them didn’t you, baby?” he asked me winking.

“You did something like chores? Robby has told me about chores. His mummy gives him 50 cents every night when he empties the dishwasher. That’s a lot of pennies too,” James told me.

“Yes, that’s 5o pennies. That is a lot of pennies,” I agreed.

“Not as many as how much it takes to fill the whole lift through, right?” he asked me.

“Right,” I agreed.

“He didn’t earn it by emptying a dishwasher James he earned it by taking i…”

“OUT THE TRASH!” I said trying to say something that would make him zip it.

I didn’t want him to know. Because then Lionel would expect him to do it. To make videos for him and Tony. To…I couldn’t even bring myself to think about it.

“If I took out the trash to you think Da would give me money too? Then I can give some to Robby to help his Mummy,” James said.

“Who is Robby?” Uncle Ben asked.

“He’s my friend,” James said, “I can’t wait to see him again. He’s probably really mad at me but maybe if I give him money he’ll like me again.”

“You can make new friends kiddo. Daddy L will help you make a lot of friends,” Uncle Ben said. 

I don’t know why he said it. If he was joking or trying to upset him but James went quiet. I pulled him tight into my side not sure what to do. I didn’t understand why he was being so mean. He had asked us to talk and so James had decided to talk about his friend. His friend he hoped wasn’t mad at him for disappearing me remembering the name.

It was his best friend. The friend he had to me he wanted to marry once while he was half asleep. Me wondering once again how serious he had been about saying that. He was however apparently willing to give the kid money. He must have really liked him at least if he was willing to give him money. Even if he didn’t understand what that meant. Not really.

“It’s ok Bud,” I told him hugging him and kissing the top of his head as the lift opened, “We’ll be ok. He’s just being mean.”

“We’re going to just go get clothes, right?” he asked me.

“And we’re going to eat something while we’re out,” Uncle Ben said, “I’ll quit poking fun at you though ok kiddo?”

James went quiet. When we got to the car I tried to climb in back to make sure James was buckled in Uncle Ben clearing his throat and using his head to motion to the front seat.

“Are you ok to make sure you’re buckled in on your own?” I asked him. 

I wanted to make sure he was ok. I didn’t like going somewhere with Uncle Ben either. I hoped he wasn’t lying to da. That he was really going to take us to get our uniforms picked out and get better fitting ones ordered. Our da had a thing for things being tailored. Our Blazers had to be tailored, our dress pants for mass. All of those things had to be fitted. Not everyone did that with their uniforms even though it was recommended but our Da expected a certain amount of professionalism from us. And that included in school.

“Yes, I’m ok Willy,” he told me climbing into his booster seat in the back of the car. We weren’t using the new van Da had replaced the old one with but, we were using Uncle Ben’s car which still had a booster seat in it for the younger kids. James was still small enough that he still needed one. I sighed seeing no choice but to climb into the front seat and doing so.

Once we were both buckled in Uncle Ben drove down the driveway his hand waiting until we were two lights away from home before he grabbed my leg. My whole body freezing. The only thing that kept me from making a scene my little brother in the back seat who seemed to be calm for the moment even though he was quiet.

“They changed the uniforms this year,” Uncle Ben told me.

“Really?” I asked.

“Yeah, they took the red out of the tartan patterns in the tie and this year it’s navy blue pants and blazer with a gray sweater vest,” he told me, “Wasn’t the sweater vest navy blue last year?”

“Yes, and the pants were Khaki. So, that’s why we’re going to the shop?” I asked him.

“Yes,” he said, “Otherwise I’m sure Lionel would be trying to pull some serious strings to just get them to come to the house but between that and the beds and all of the babies and your Da interviewing nannies today and tomorrow and work it’s just a lot. So, we’re going to make a trip to the store. Macabee’s marvelous alterations. And then we’re going out to eat.”

“Ok,” I said, “Can you…?”

“Don’t be spoiled. I’m not misbehaving,” he told me knowing what I was about to ask him.

That I was about to ask him to move his hand. The last time someone had grabbed my leg like that they had dry humped me in the bathroom. My whole brain just trying to calm down and tell myself that keeping James from freaking out was more important than anything else. The most important thing I could do today was stay calm no matter what happened. No matter what my brain was screaming at me.

“Is it still going to have that label on the collar?” I asked.

“Probably. It’s the school logo,” Uncle Ben told me, “Are you looking forward to seeing your friends again this year?”

I hadn’t even thought about them, not really. Did I miss them? Yeah, but being with just Teddy had been weird. It had felt almost wrong. However, Teddy was a spaz and not nearly as thoughtful as the rest of them. The only thought that had crossed my mind about any of them was about how Finn was related to Wallace. His brother, how I had wished that Finn had been at that dinner instead of Wallace.

“I guess,” I answered.

“I want to see Robby and give him my money,” James said causing Uncle Ben to laugh loudly.

“You need to talk to your Da about that one kiddo. We can’t go around giving everyone who needs it, money,” Uncle Ben said.

“He’s not just everyone he’s my best friend. I…,” James went quiet. 

Yeah, no. This might be a problem. I was glad he had trailed off. For a minute I was afraid that he was going to say he loved him. I mean I thought it was ok to love your friends but knowing Uncle Ben he would tell Da and Da would take it the wrong way. Da would then make sure the friendship ended and apparently Robby whoever he was, happened to be very important to James.

“Well, let’s forget about giving him your money for right now. You can’t have that money until you’re 21 anyway so I don’t think he’s going to be able to get it anytime soon,” Uncle Ben pointed out.

We pulled up to a plaza and sure enough, the name of the place he had talked about was above one of the storefronts and in a bold red script. There were uniforms from several different schools in the front window display two of them being from St. Matt’s where we went to school and the other being for our sister school St. Bernie’s where our sisters would all eventually be going and where Catherine was currently attending. We all got out of the car Uncle Ben holding the door open as we walked inside. There was even a wall behind the register with belts and ties hanging from the ceiling downwards. 

They also had a wall of gym clothes. A woman turning around to look at us as we got inside, “Hello back again Ben?” she asked.

“I told you I had more nephews. These are the other two in school currently the third is…,” she cut him off smiling.

“Bill told me all about that. We’re going to schedule a home visit later in the month to get his alterations done for his uniforms but for right now we’re going to give him a basic outfitting if you brought his sizes,” she said.

“I brought his pants,” I said James handing me the pants.

“Oh, thank you what’s your name?” she asked him.

“He’s James, the older one is my William,” Uncle Ben said.

“Ah,” she said nodding her head, “Well Bill is setting up in the fitting room with Wittier if you guys are ready to go back. He pulled the mocks already guessing sizes so…”

“Ok, come on guys let’s go get fitted,” Uncle Ben said opening a curtain that was beside the counter where the register was sitting and we both went back there. James grabbing my hand.

When we got back there, there was a young guy. Someone I hadn’t seen before looking at the ties he was holding as he saw us reflexed in the four-way mirror, “You guys are the other ones?” he asked us, Uncle Ben, nodding his head, “Come on in. Dad’s in the back. If you two want to strip down to your underwear and stuff and put on the pants I grabbed…let me…” he said turning to the pile of neatly folded clothes on the floor and grabbing a pair of pants up handing them to me before he grabbed another pair and handed it to James.

James’ eyes went wide, and he shook his head clinging to me as the guy tried to hand him the pants. He was terrified at the prospect of taking off anything in front of them. Not that I blamed him because I wasn’t thrilled by the idea myself but the sooner we got it done the sooner we could be out of there.

“Thanks,” I said giving the guy a small smile and grabbing the pair of pants he was trying to hand to James, “Do you have a more private place where we could maybe…you know?”

The guy raised an eyebrow at me and looked around thinking about it, “We do have a bathroom it’s the second door on the left. Usually, people don’t seem to mind it so much it’s not like we’re asking people to get naked. Just, you know down their underwear and we usually only have one family in here at a time. We’re looking at getting a bigger shop with dressing rooms and all of that but, for right now this is what we have,” the guy told me giving me an apologetic smile.

He was a good-looking guy. His hazel eyes and dirty blond hair somehow suiting him perfectly. I remember wondering if he was brotherhood or not. Wondering if he was like them, like us. He walked over to a door and opened it revealing a bathroom and almost doing a little bow as he gestured towards it, “Please take your time. There’s no need to hurry. If they are too tight please let me or my Dad know. I’m Wit by the way.”

“I’m Will,” I told him quietly nodding my head in thanks, “This is James.”

“Well like I said take your time. Let me know if I pulled the right sizes and if the pants feel comfortable come on out so my Dad can pin you,” he said smiling before he left the room grabbing a couple of shoe boxes that were in the corner as he left and I shut the bathroom door.

“I don’t want to,” James told me shaking his head at me.

“Bud, it’s just me and you in here ok? I’m not going to let them take your clothes off. I won’t. I swear. You remember how this goes through, right?”

“I don’t want to,” he repeated himself folding his arms in front of him.

I understood. I was scared too. I just felt like I couldn’t show it. That if I did it would only upset him more. Makes things harder for James.

“I know you don’t want to. But I’m right here and I won’t let them take your clothes off. Ok? I will do everything I can to make sure you’re not alone with anyone you’re not comfortable with,” I tried to assure him.

“I don’t know. I don’t want to,” he told him his bottom lip starting to tremble.

He was breaking my heart. I understood why he was so scared. Every man he had been in a room with besides maybe one or two since we had moved to the US had molested him or worse. I understood very well why he was more than apprehensive to put on a pair of pants, so some man could feel him up and stick pins in the fabric. Grab his legs, his arms once he got the blazer on.

Even if it was through fabric it would feel almost like it was stinging his skin. I knew that because I always felt it when someone touched me too. Unless it was one of my siblings. Even with Cole or Teddy or one of them I still felt it. It still took me a second to convince myself that I was ok. That they weren’t going to hurt me. For a six-year-old having someone they didn’t know touching them it was even harder to convince himself he would be ok. Especially when he knew some stranger was asking him to put on those clothes, so they could touch him.

“I know you don’t want to but listen to me,” I said getting down on my knees, so I could be level with him. “I hate telling you this. I really do but, you have to be a big boy right now Jay. Ok? Do it for me because the sooner we get this done the sooner we get out of here. I don’t want to be here either. I’m scared too but if we just let them do this we can then leave and go eat and go back home ok?”

“You promise you won’t let them take it off?” he asked me barely a whisper.

“I swear. If they do, I’ll be right there. I won’t let them hurt you without fighting them. I promise,” I swore to him.

“What if you get hurt? What if they try and then…”

“They try, I fight them. I get hurt, Daddy L gets mad and then they have to deal with him. Ok?”

I doubted Lionel would want me hurt. And he especially wouldn’t be happy if James got hurt. I knew I was losing his favor already even if I was going to see if I could stop that from happening. Stop him from losing interest in me to protect James from him even though so far, I felt like it hadn’t been working. Whenever given the choice between James and I it seemed more and more often he wanted James. 

Last year there were times where no one was supposed to touch me because I was “his”. Now he was letting people play with me at birthday parties. Do things to me while I was hurt. I had a feeling that if I had been around for the summer those things wouldn’t have been happening. That it was because he was unhappy with me. Because I had fucked up. Because I was stupid, and it was going to cost not just me but James too.

“Are you sure Willy?” he asked me his eyes still wide but his shoulders starting to relax a little bit.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” I told him nodding my head trying to make myself sound confident even though I wasn’t. 

There was a woman there but, Teddy’s mom had shown me long ago even women sometimes couldn’t be trusted. I was sure it was up to me to keep him safe. To keep us safe because I knew uncle Ben wouldn’t do it. A knock on the door behind me making us both jump.

“Guys, why don’t you come out here? Mr. Macabee is waiting for you two,” Uncle Ben sound loudly through the door.

“We’re coming,” I said putting on the pair of pants that actually fit me pretty well looking at James, “Come on bud. Put them on, ok? I don’t want to leave you in here by yourself. I don’t know…”

He sighed taking off his pants and putting on the navy-blue dress slacks before I opened the door and we went out to stand in front of the four-way mirror James squeezing my hand so tightly he was cutting off circulation to my fingers. 

“Ok guys just stand in the middle,” a guy that looked like an older version of Wit told us, “I’m Bill. I’m going to pin you and then you…you know what Wit, could you plea…”

“Already have them, Dad,” Wit muttered coming into the back room carrying two navy blue blazers on hangers, “Do you want me to pin one of them?”

“Yeah sure, I’ll check once you’re done. Remember, we want a relaxed fit not too tight to the body but not too loose. Anything that looks off pin it until you have a nice tailored fit to it and then stick it. Just don’t stick the boy,” Bill said holding out a small cushion that had pins stuck into it with colorful tops.

“You need to let go of your brother’s hand and relax,” Wit told me.

“Willy…,” James said to me shaking his head squeezing my hand tighter.

“Maybe you should wait to do mine then?” I asked him quietly.

Just looking at the way his eyes were pleading with me, pleading me not to let go of his hand made me want to scream at all of them and take him back to the only safe space we had, to that bathroom so I could hold him, tell him it was ok. That they weren’t going to hurt him because I wouldn’t let it happen. Because I could stop them. That I would always do what I thought I could to make sure he suffered as little as possible.

“We do both of you at the same time it will go a lot faster. He’s already on a stool you just need to let go of his hand. You’re right next to him. Just chill,” Wit told me as Bill sighed heavily.

“Look kid. I have other people I have to see today while Marsha does the alterations. I’m sure she doesn’t want to take these home with her. She has to do five for each of you. So please just let us do our jobs. Let go of his hand,” Bill told him.

“Ok,” I nodded my head, “Ok James, I need you to be a big boy. Come on bud. We can do this.”

He sighed letting go of my hand going to go fold his arms in front of him Bill saying something to him and Uncle Ben came over.

“Don’t let him touch him. He will freak out. James does not like be…”

“William shut up,” Uncle Ben said shooting me a look.

“Excuse you?” Marsha said from the other room.

“My William. I wasn’t talking to Bill. I wouldn’t talk to Bill like that,” Uncle Ben called back.

“Sorry, I forgot,” she said laughing slightly at her mistake.

“Ok, just stand relaxed. Stand straight shoulders back but still relaxed,” Wit told me his hands running along the back of my T-shirt holding it up at the back, “Not bad. A pretty close fit, however, it does need to be pinned a little right here…,” he said cupping my ass making me gasp in surprise, “it’s ok just relax. I’m not doing anything I’m just going to…very carefully pin right here…” he trailed off pinning the fabric at the space between my ass and the back of my thigh.

He pinned the other pant leg in the same place putting several pins in line mostly in silence before he switched over to James taking a close look at the blazer before he helped James slip it over his shoulders, “Dad, we’re fitting their vest too, right?”

“Yes, it’s going between their oxford and blazer so yeah. Just pin the blazer first and…”

“And then have him take it off and put the vest on,” Wit said as Bill nodded his head in response as he looked at me.

“I can see why he likes this one. He’s a sweetheart. Very well behaved, aren’t you?” he muttered to me making me shift uncomfortably, “No don’t move. I don’t want to poke you. I have to adjust this one. Otherwise, you did a really good job Wit.”

“Thanks, Dad, I tried,” Wit muttered back pinning the back of Jay’s blazer.

“He is a sweetheart. He really is. They both are really,” Uncle Ben said.

“Yeah?” Bill asked his pitch going up at the end of the question like he was really curious.

“Yes, they are both very good at playing,” Uncle Ben said.

“Have they ever played with …?”

“No, they haven’t you can ask Lionel about that to be sure but I’m pretty sure they haven’t played with any of the fairer sex yet,” Uncle Ben said, “Why you think someone would be interested?”

“Right now? No, probably in a couple of years though. I mean he’s going to be nice when he gets older,” Bill muttered before wrapping his arms around my waist and undoing the button there, “Step out very carefully when I tell you to, ok?”

So, I didn’t get to take them off myself? Great, awesome. I told James I wasn’t going to let anyone undress him. So, I had lied to him.

“Can I take them off on my own?” I asked him.

“No, if the pins slip they could poke you and while it doesn’t hurt for longer than a second it’s still a bit of a shock. So, just stay still until I tell you to move. I’m going to get his in a minute,” Bill said using his head to motion at James.

“No, I’ll get his,” I said getting ready to move.

“No, I’m the tailor. I’ll help him get out and then you go both go into the bathroom and put your own pants back on,” Bill said before speaking to Uncle Ben, “god some of these boys. I don’t remember ever being this temperamental.”

“Honestly I think it’s a generational thing. That and my brother let them be mostly raised in Europe. Hence the accent. You know the rich over there. So, pampered their bones dissolve because everyone lets them do whatever they want,” Uncle Ben said like we weren’t standing right there.

“That doesn’t seem like the type of boy Lionel would like. I mean I know he likes pillow princes but this one is touchy,” Bill muttered about me causing Wit to laugh.

They really thought I was spoiled? That just because I didn’t want them to touch my brother I was spoiled? Because I didn’t want some pervert to cup his ass cheek in his hand I was spoiled. They wanted spoiled?

“I’m not spoiled. I’m just tired of fucking perverts touching me,” I muttered.

“Woah, ok then,” Bill said looking at me before he put his hands up.

“You really want to get in trouble today don’t you, William?” Uncle Ben asked me.

“I want to leave,” I said standing my ground, “I want to go home. I want to see my mum I want my older brother and I want this one somewhere where he actually feels safe.”

I said pointing my finger at James who looked at me his eyes wide like he was surprised. Even though, honestly by that point, I was surprising myself. I was just so stressed out. And then hearing them talk about me like I wasn’t even there. Like I wasn’t trying to keep the little boy next to me from freaking out. It was too much.

“You want to leave? Fine, come on, we’re leaving,” Uncle Ben said grabbing my arm and yanking on it hard. Yanking me out of the pants that were now around my ankles and pulling me into the bathroom, “You want to be a little shit I can treat you like one. We’ll wait in here until your brother is done.”

“He’s going to scream his head off,” I told him.

“Oh, I’m sure he will. Bill has wandering hands sometimes,” Uncle Ben said smiling like he was about ready to laugh.

“No,” I shook my head, “No le…”

He pushed me back, shoved me back so hard I fell on my ass to the ground. Was he kidding me? I was supposed to keep him safe. I was supposed to protect him. Why wasn’t he letting me do what I needed to do?

“Let me out,” I said, “Please. Don’t punish him. Don’t punish him, please uncle Ben.”

“Are you going to be good?” he asked me.

What did he mean by good exactly? Did he mean I had to let him nurse on me? Make out with me? What? What did he mean by good?

“I told you that night you would owe me, and you said you knew. So, pay up,” he said undoing his fly and pulling himself out of his pants.

Oh. So, that’s what he meant by be good. That was easy. That wasn’t the worst thing that he had ever made me do. At least it was something quick. Blow jobs didn’t usually take that long especially if I did it right. Did it the way he liked it. I nodded my head.

“I’m glad you understand baby,” he said as I moved my weight to my knees so that I could easily give him what he wanted.

I closed my eyes as I ran my hand over the soft warm skin feeling his pubes as I started rolling his balls in my hand, gently letting them bounce off each other. As he moaned rubbing the top of my head.

I knew it was something he liked even if he hadn’t made me do it that often, at least not lately. Not since we had returned home. It was something that I didn’t enjoy doing to him. I had very much enjoyed it with Beau but, Beau was different. Beau hadn’t been forcing me to engage in those acts with him. With Beau, it had been all about my choice and here I was in a place where choices weren’t something I had. 

I concentrated on touching him. Fisting his cock with my one hand while I gently massaged his balls and scrotum with the other as he grunted deeply.

“Come on baby don’t tease. Let me feel what that sexy little pout can do,” he told me making my face feel hot before I closed my eyes and opened my mouth skipping the licking and going straight for trying to deep throat him because I wanted it to be over with. I wanted him to just ejaculate and let me go back to my brother, James. 

It didn’t take him long once I started sucking on him. His body wiggling like he was going to have a seizure the movement starting as his pelvis and moving up his body as he grabbed at my hair and rubbed my head until he finished, making me swallow it. Making me cough and sputter.

“This is a nice haircut but, I think…I’ll ask him about it,” Uncle Ben muttered to me helping me up, “You’re really good at that. You know that baby?”

I nodded my head not sure what else to say as he handed me my pants and I slipped them on before he opened the door. Bill greeting us with a big cheesy grin.

“A nice little rendezvous in the bathroom there, Ben?” Bill asked.

“Don’t tell. How about the little one? He’s done, completely unharmed other than he might have gotten stuck by a pin because he’s a squirmy little thing. He’s sitting up front with Marsha. She’s doing his gym shoe fitting. Come on up here kid. Back on the fitting stool. We have to do your vest and blazer really quick,” Bill said to me before I climbed up on the stool.  
I sighed. I didn’t want him touching me. Especially when he kept looking at me like that. Like he was imagining what we had done in there. What we had done in the bathroom. The look he gave me made me wonder what he had heard. If he had just heard Uncle Ben grunting and groaning and assumed it was more than it was or if it was something else. If he thought, we had been…I had been.

 

“You’re fine. Dad’s a bit of a perv but he won’t ask in front of you,” Wit told me as Bill and Uncle Ben walked away, “Don’t worry about it. He’s not allowed to touch you anyway. No one is.”

“That doesn’t stop anyone from thinking about it,” I told him.

“True,” he said nodding his head, “We’re almost done. It’s actually really quick if you hold still long enough.”

“Are you like them?” I dared to ask quietly.

“I’m huh,” he cleared his throat, “Not sure what you mean. I don’t think this is…”

“Are you almost done Wit?” Bill asked 

“Yeah Dad, I just put the last pin in. We’re about to do his vest,” Wit said helping me slide the blazer off my shoulders.

“Ok, I’ll take it from here. Ben’s making a call that I thought you might want in on,” Bill said.

“Oh,” Wit said nodding his head, “Well I’m going to go and see about that call then. You going to do his sweater vest?”

“No problem,” Bill said grabbing a hanger with a sweater on it, “I think this is a small. You might need a medium. If you can take off your T-shirt and put on the Oxford hanging up off the mirror over there I’ll be right back ok?”

“Ok,” I said doing as I was told. I felt nervous.

Lionel was still mad at me. I was sure. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be treating me the way he was. I was sure Uncle Ben was calling him and asking if he could do something. If they could do something. I felt nervous but, I wasn’t sure if asking would help. In fact, I was positive it would make things worse. Bill coming back into the room as I started doing up the buttons on the Oxford.

“You’re good looking. You know that?” Bill told me making me shift uneasily.

I hated it when they said things like that. Like I didn’t know what they thought of me. What they saw when they looked at me. Lionel’s boy, Lionel’s little whore. Like I wasn’t aware that they called me that and probably everyone else in the brotherhood too.  
“Really now you’re going quiet too?” he asked me, “You certainly had a lot to say earlier. Only silent because your uncle put that pretty mouth of yours to work?”

I felt myself blush. So, he had told him. Of course, he had. He was probably asking him right now if they could hurt me. Make me do those things with everyone else there.

“Marsha believes in real love too. I got lucky meeting her. She didn’t get involved in teaching Wit until he was 13 but she feels like it was the right decision. I personally always felt we could have introduced him to that earlier, but she wouldn’t hear of it. A handsome boy like you though she might think differently. Do you like the fairer sex? Ever wonder what a pussy smells like?”

At that, I felt like my whole face was on fire. No, I hadn’t. I wasn’t sure which was more embarrassing to me. That I hadn’t, that he had asked me or that I didn’t really talk to girls outside of my sisters my mom and our nanny. The idea hitting me funny that he expected me to think about it. About the parts girls had. As it dawned on me that it was only a matter of time.

A matter of time before everyone started asking me that. Before everyone knew. Knew that I was gross. Finn said it didn’t make me gross but sometimes it was hard to imagine other people thinking the same way especially because I didn’t like younger boys but ones more my own age or older. 

“It’s nothing to be shy about. It can be nice but, I prefer other things myself. Marsha, she knows that though. We have an understanding. Wit hasn’t told me either way what he’s thinking but…can I tell you something?” he said pausing as if he were really expecting me to answer him, “I think my boy likes you. I haven’t seen him like anyone before I don’t think but, the way he leaned into you all gentle like when he pinned your pants earlier he wants you. I can see it.” Bill told me.

“Vest on,” he said handing it to me as I slid it over my arms hearing a loud noise that made me jump causing Bill to laugh before James scurried into the room and threw his arms around me shaking.

“Bud,” I said hugging him back, “What’s going on?”

“He threw his phone. He…,” James trailed off just barely loud enough that I could hear him speaking. He really was terrified of them. Me looking at him and sighing heavily. He was going to make him angrier. Uncle Ben, and I would hate to see what he did when he was angry with someone that he couldn’t boss around. 

“It’s ok kiddo,” Bill said to him, “You’re done. You can change back into your own shirt now. The kid too.”

“Thank you,” I said quietly Jay finally noticing how tense I was because he let go of me and asked me:

“Are you ok?”

“Yeah, bud. I’m fine. I just want to go home. Get out of here,” I told him as he looked at me and shook his head.

“Uncle Ben was mean,” he said to me.

“I think he’s going to make us go out to eat with him and then, we’re going to go home,” I said ignoring what James had said.

I didn’t want to talk about it. About what had happened in the bathroom. I didn’t want to talk about or think about anything like that. Uncle Ben coming in just as I managed to pull my shirt over my head Uncle Ben grabbing me hard by my elbow as James grabbed my hand.

“You’re a fucking little slut you know that? Strutting around like you do. You’re lucky. You’re fucking lucky. Get in the fucking car and stay there,” he hissed at me shoving me out the door of the shop.

“Why is he mad?” James asked me quietly.

“I don’t know,” I said shaking my head, “But we need to be good ok? Just do what he says. Can you do that for me?”

“Yes, Willy. What if he hurts you?” James asked me quietly as opened the back door for him and he climbed in.

“He won’t,” I told him.

“You don’t know that,” James pointed out to me quietly.

“I don’t think he will,” I said back.

“But…,”

“James not now. Ok? Just not now. We’re going to go eat with him and then we’re going to go home. So maybe if we’re quiet everything will be fine ok? Just be good.”

“I hate that you tell me to be good!” James said surprising me as I climbed into the front seat, “I hate that you tell me to be good because you know what happens when I’m good? Nothing good happens and I don’t want to be good anymore. Not if being good means everyone else gets hurt.”

“Bud, you being good has nothing to do with an…”

“That’s not true!” he told me, “When I’m good bad things happen. Bad things like yesterday.”

Yesterday when Lionel and Leo had taken us downstairs and talked about mum. When they had used us for their meeting. I had told him to be good then too he was right. Only because I didn’t want him getting hurt. The idea hitting me making me realize that I was lying to him. That every time I said that I was lying to him in some way making him think he was safe when he wasn’t.

“Ok,” I sighed heavily turning around and looking at him, “Look. Maybe I need to start being more honest with you. You know how Hagrid had Fluffy?” I asked him trying to figure out how to best describe my idea.

“Yeah and he played him music and Fluffy went to sleep but Fluffy could be really mean?” James asked me apparently catching on to what I was getting at.

“Yes, ok? You behaving a certain way is like playing fluffy music. And Uncle Ben and Da they are Fluffies ok? We have to act in a certain way. Sometimes we don’t have our music and that’s when we get hurt. Think of yourself when you’re around them as being at that very last second before Harry, Hermonie and Ron jumped through the trap door you have to be very careful otherwise you’re going to get hurt. So, when I tell you to be good I’m telling you to behave a certain way so the chances of you getting hurt are less. Ok? It’s the difference between Fluffy taking a swipe at you and biting your leg like he got Professor Snape’s leg or him biting off your leg. You understand why I’m telling you to be good now?” I asked him.

“Because it means that while you can’t stop them from hurting me they won’t hurt me as bad if I’m good and I do what they say,” James told me summarizing the idea.

“Right,” I said, “That’s right. How about I tell you to remember Fluffy instead of just telling you to be good? Do you think that will make you feel better? Make it feel less like I’m lying?”

“I don’t think you’re lying Willy,” he told me, “I just sometimes I don’t know if I’m doing it right and then someone gets hurt.”

“They are doing that because they want to and, they can. It has nothing to do with how you are acting but how they want to act ok? Trust me.”

“I do Willy,” he told me quietly as Uncle Ben came out of the store.

“I can’t fucking believe it!” he hissed loudly as he got in the driver’s seat, “He doesn’t want to give me what I want then I’ll fucking take it. Come on boys. We’re going to Tony’s.”

I had never been to Tony’s and I had no idea the significance of that sentence at the time. Me figuring it was the name of a restaurant. As I went still and silent. As I tried to be as quiet as possible hoping he would just ignore the fact that I was there all together, not moving until we pulled up outside what looked like an Asian inspired red and white building.

“We’re here. I actually have a couple of friends that we’re meeting. You might officially be off limits but remember there is someone who is not,” Uncle Ben said looking directly at me, “I suggest you do what you’re told and keep your trap shut about anything that happens or you won’t be the one who can’t walk out of that building,” he said point his finger hard at the buildings front door emphasizing his point, “Do you understand?”

“I understand,” I said quietly.

I was officially contracted to Lionel. I was officially his boy but James. While he had his eye on James, he wasn’t. Not yet. He was telling me that James’ safety and wellbeing depended on me doing what I was told and keeping my mouth shut about it. Whatever it was he wanted me to do.

“Good,” he said nodding his head satisfied that he had gotten his point across, “Come on guys. Let’s go eat.”

I jumped out of the car and I went around to the back and opened the door for James. Now I needed to tell him to remember fluffy. But the moment I went to go open my mouth he looked at me and nodded his head at me as he grabbed my hand trying to pull himself as close to my side as possible wrapping my arm around his shoulder as he walked.

I remember the whole restaurant being dimly lit. The dark red and wooden walls making everything seem eerie. It was somewhere I have never been before, and I remember feeling like I was suffocating.

Uncle Ben stopped briefly at the hostess stand and told her something as I noticed the girl. It was Sunni Lee. The same girl from the night of the party. Her head down as she wore what looked like a Corset and a mini skirt. She led us back through a black door near the back of the restaurant and then through a curtain of beads before she opened another door for us.

“Pleeze ake lothes oof her,” she said in thickly accented Chinese gesturing to a wall of cubbies that you might find in a nursery school uncle Ben starting to undress.

“Down to your undies boys,” Uncle Ben said turning around and looking at us when he noticed we weren’t moving, “It’s the rules. This is a private luncheon. There’s a dress code. Undies or less. Don’t make me undress you.”

“I do…” James started to whisper.

“I don’t give a fuck what you want, kid. You take off your clothes before I rip them off you and bend you over the nearest table in order to…”

“Stop!” I told him, “I’ll get him too, ok? Just…don't.”

“Fine,” Uncle Ben said kicking off his shoes before he pulled his pants and boxers off in one swoop, “You have two minutes. Or I’ll send a friend in and I can assure you Sean would have no problem getting acquainted in the clothing room.”

With that, he opened the door in front of us and shut it behind him.

“Ok, you know how we talked about Fluffy? I need you to take off your clothes just like I’m going to and you stay right next to me no matter what unless I tell you to leave. You stay with me ok? You don’…”

“They’re bad people, right?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “I don’t…I don’t know what they are going to do but whatever you see, whatever happens, we don’t talk about it ok? Not to anyone.”

“But we don’t keep secrets anymore,” he told me quietly, “Remember mummy and Ju…”

“They aren’t here. And Matty’s sick and John is sick. And Mikey, Mikey isn’t doing well either. I think it would better if we kept this between the two of us at least for now ok, bud?” I told him as I pulled my shirt off him doing the same.

“Ok,” he told me, “I stay right beside you?”

“Right,” I said nodding my head as I pulled off my jeans and he did the same me. I took both our clothes and folded them neatly before I hurried us through the door smacking someone with it as we tried to open it.

“There you are,” Uncle Ben said, “I was just about to come get you, boys. You can help yourselves to whatever food you like.”

There was a buffet table along the wall with mostly chicken and what, not some of which I knew James would eat and that I would eat. The rest of it I wasn’t so sure about. I blinked twice when I saw someone familiar in the corner. He was my age and hovering close to two little boys that were probably the same age James was. One of them Hispanic looking while the other looked like he was probably white like we were. I walked over quietly not sure what else to do before I spoke up.

“Quinn?” I asked unsure about myself. He looked taller, his face was thinner, but it looked like Quinn. He looked up his eyes going big as he saw me.

“So, it’s true?” he asked me, and I nodded my head.

“Oh, you have a…me too? This is Ryder and Ricky, Ryder, Ricky this is my friend Will and his brother…,”

“James,” I told them as James hugged my side grabbing my underwear and twisting it in his fist because it was the only piece of fabric I had on making me blush, “Jay bud, you can’t…”

“Yeah…that’s going to be a little tight, why don’t you come over here and sit with Ryder and Ricky, James? They’re nice. I promise,” Quinn said standing up and patting the seat where he had just been sitting, “I’m watching guys ok? Just stay right there. Will you want to get James some food?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head as Quinn lead me away slowly towards the table laden with food.

“So, you’re back? Just like that?” he asked me quietly as I picked up a plate.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “I’m sti…”

“Well yeah. I don’t suppose he’s too pleased. I was hoping you were gone. Seriously. You don’t…”

“He’s pissed yeah,” I said, “My Da isn’t happy. No one is happy. My brother tried to kill himself.”

“What!?” Quinn said shooting a look back at James.

“Not that one. I have a lot of them, my older brother. John. He’s in the hospital right now. There’s a lot going on.”

“Oh, is he like ok or…?”

“He lost a lot of blood but, he seems to be ok. He’s been in the mental…” Quinn made a hissing sound.

“That’s not good. That’s really, really not good,” Quinn told me.

“I know, I was told. He’s really mad at me…the leader,” I managed quietly.

“I wouldn’t talk about him. You’re not supposed to talk about him. Like ever,” Quinn told me, “Is that your dad?”

“My Uncle,” I said shaking my head, “He’s…”

“Oh yeah,” Quinn told me, “I’ve never actually met him before. I’ve heard that he’s someone that you…”

“Don’t make mad. I’m…,” I sighed heavily.

“How are you doing otherwise?” he asked me.

He must have sensed that there were things I didn’t want to talk about. That I didn’t like talking about Uncle Ben or any of that his question helping redirect my brain slightly, my brain that was panicking because I didn’t know what was going to happen or why we were there in the first place.

“I think I’m ready to go back to school,” I told him, “We just did a uniform fitting. It was weird.”

“I’m sure it was,” he agreed, “Dad is thinking of adopting Ryder and Rick as a single parent.”

“Really? Wait didn’…”

“Divorce because mom decided she didn’t want to adopt and he really does,” Quinn told me.

“If they got a divorce why didn’t she clai…”

“She filed for full custody and I told them. I did but…no one,” Quinn said looking at his feet and shrugging his shoulders, “And I can’t leave them alone with him they are just little. He framed her. Drugs. I mean I think she might have done that anyway, but I don’t know. A lot of the moms that are still around do. If he does adopt them they’ll probably go to school with James.”

“I’m sorry Quinn,” I said not sure what else there was to say.

He was just as tired as I was. I was pretty sure of that. He probably just wanted to be left alone as badly as anyone else. As Teddy and me. As all my brothers.

“It’s not your fault. He hmm…it’s I’m not one of his favorites. So, it’s ok at home for me usually,” he told me giving me a sheepish smile.

“You’re a sweetheart, aren’t you?” I heard someone say behind me causing me to turn around.

He was tall, and his skin was dark. I didn’t like his eyes. He had the same look they all had Uncle Ben laughing at him.

“We’re eating real food first Colt remember?” Uncle Ben said to him.

“Yeah, no man. I know he’s cute though. You said he can deliver?”

“Oh yeah,” Uncle Ben said 

“Nice, I’ll try him later if you let me,” the guy, Colt said walking back over to where Uncle Ben was sitting.

I exhaled deeply. I hadn’t even realized I had been holding my breath and yet I had been. I was supposed to do what I was told, and I wasn’t allowed to tell Lionel. So, if that guy…if he wanted too. Me shaking my head as I went back to filling a plate with food before I glanced at Quinn who was staring at me.

“What?” I asked him quietly.

Quinn’s face flushed as he cleared his throat, “Nothing. Nothing.”

That’s when it hit me. Quinn had admitted to Finn last year that he thought I was cute. That he had a crush on me. I was standing in front of him in my underwear. My face flushing too as I cleared my own throat and walked away towards the table feeling self-conscious. I mean there wasn’t a lot for him to look at, but it still felt weird. Knowing that he felt that way about me. Or that at one point he did even though his reaction to whatever they had been talking about showed that he probably did. The idea making me feel gross.

“I have food for you Bud,” I said setting Jay’s plate down in front of him. “I want you to stay here ok? I’ll be right back.”

He nodded his head at me but didn’t speak one of the kids saying something to him as I walked away back towards where Quinn was still standing frowning slightly.

“Are you ok?” I asked him again.

“I huh…,” Quinn said, “You have no idea what Colt said do you?”

“He asked me if I was a sweetheart,” I said my throat feeling tight, “Do I need to know what else he said?”

“Well,” Quinn said, “I know we’re like close but, I didn’t know you could do that.” 

His face turned even redder before I realized what he was referring to.

“QUINN!” I said loudly putting my plate down on the buffet table and covering myself, “Why would…?”

“I’m sorry. I…I’m sorry,” Quinn muttered.

“Why did…?” I said feeling like I wanted to disappear before I felt someone grab me.

“What are you doing baby?” Uncle Ben whispered in ear massaging my shoulders, “Why are you grabbing yourself? Colt make you think about that special sweet…” he said his hand trailing down my front before his phone rang, “Fuck. I’ll be right back.” He said walking off.

“I just…I can’t,” Quinn said, “Not yet.”

“You can’t?” I asked him.

It felt weird to know that about someone else. That I could ejaculate, and he couldn’t. It was something I hadn’t really thought about. How most of my friends my age couldn’t really ejaculate yet or were just starting to where it was something I’d been doing for a while. Quinn’s words making me aware of how strange I was. That it was something I could do while most of them still couldn’t.

“No. Dr. Huntz said it’s normal tho…”

Just then the door opened Tony looking around at everyone in the room smiling, “Oh nice. Nice bunch to work with. You know how this goes. Baker gets the final say but I’m thinking just from looking at what we have how about Quinn and Will with the little jumping bean in the middle? Get a couple shots of that. Some innocent stuff and then some light touching, and we’ll do David with James and Drake with Ryder. Does that sound like it works well for everyone?”

I wasn’t sure what was going on really. I mean I had an idea that we were there for something but, I wasn’t sure what. Even though the way they made it sound it sounded like we were there for…sex. That I was supposed to have sex with… I looked at the little Latino boy sitting next to James in the booth where Quinn and I had left them.

He wasn’t 2 but he still wasn’t someone I wanted to do those things too. He was only little tiny. Just like James. Just like that baby that they had made me…my whole body starting to shake. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t do that again. I wouldn’t.

“Will? Will, you’re shaking,” Quinn whispered to me.

“I…,” I shook my head.

“Ok, come here,” he said opening a curtain to reveal a tiny square room that was elevated helping me climb inside, “You won’t hurt him. It's just a picture. Half it will be like you opening your mouth in front of his parts or him doing that to you. Most of it’s not even touching really. It’s mostly just staged. It’s ok Will. He’s done it before, ok?”

“You don’…” I wanted to scream.

He was little. He was so little, and they were …

“Will, it’s ok. Seriously it’s ok. It won’t even really be like sex, it’s stills. They’re shooting stills. I thought you knew that’s why we were here. They didn’t tell you guys that?”

I shook my head. No, they hadn’t told me that at all. I wouldn’t do that. Not with a little kid. Not with someone that little. I wouldn’t.

“Boo,” Uncle Ben said opening the curtain, “You better be behaving yourselves.”

“He’s nervous,” Quinn told him quietly.

“Baby, you have nothing to be nervous about. Everyone wants to see you. That’s why we’re taking pictures. Because you’re so beautiful. Imagine how happy Daddy L will be? How happy me and your Da are going to be not to mention all your new fans. You already have a ton of views on that video of you playing with your friend Teddy. Imagine how excited they’ll be when you release these stills of you playing with Quinn?”

I felt my face get really hot. He’d called him Daddy L in front of Quinn. Basically, told Quinn I was his if he hadn’t been aware of that fact already. I didn’t want to. Not with that kid. He was too little. They were all too little me looking at the other boys in the room noticing that there were two other boys close to our age realizing I knew one of them.

“Isn’t he a one?” I asked Quinn, both Quinn and Uncle Ben turning to look at the kid I was gesturing to.

“Drake?” Uncle Ben asked, “Yeah he’s a one. A very good looking one. Why do you care?”

“I just know him,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “Who is David?”

Someone walked up waving his hand. He was around the same age as Quinn and I causing me to turn and look at him. He had light brown hair and very blue eyes. His eyebrows raised as he looked at Uncle Ben and exhaled deeply.

“I’ll let you guys talk. I’ll go talk to Tony and…Baker just walked in so…be good baby ok?”

I nodded my head as he walked away leaving us there. David scratched the back of his head as Quinn and I looked at him awkwardly.

“So…,” David said shrugging his shoulders, “You come here often?”

Quinn chuckled a little bit, “I like your boxers.”

“Oh thanks, I don’t even know where they are from. I thought they were pretty cool too though. Power Rangers, I mean Power Rangers are awesome. I’m David. “

“I figured,” I said giving him a small smile.

“So is your brother…”

“James, yes,” I answered.

“Who is he? Please god don’t tell me he’s one of the little kids sitting at that table,” he told me cringing as he said it, “I’m not used to this shit. I’m from D.C. we just moved here. My Dad and me. In D.C. it’s not like this. Everyone is my age or older. We don’t mess with little kids in D.C,” David said.

“Well,” Quinn said, “Will and his brother look a lot alike. So, take a good look at him and then…”

David looked around the room scanning it, “Oh shit. Oh my god. How old is he? 5?” David said his face going pale all the color draining from it.

“He’s almost seven,” I answered him.

“I’m going to…I’ll be back,” he said his face starting to turn gray almost as he hurried away.

“I think he’s throwing up,” Quinn told me as I nodded my head in agreement.

I felt like I wanted to throw up. Quinn had told me it was mostly just staging but I personally did not want my face that close to any six-year old’s bits. And I was pretty sure that they were since he said they were going to be in the same year as James if they got officially adopted by his dad.

“I think the only reason why it’s not bothering me nearly as much as it’s bothering you is because it’s my brother. So, it’s not like I haven’t done it before,” Quinn muttered, “I mean…yeah it’s still gross don’t get me wrong and it’s not something I want to do I just…”

“Quinn, I don’t think you’re a pervert. It’s ok,” I told him hoping that I would stop him from mumbling.

“You caught that? I mean I’m really not. I just…he lives with me. My dad wasn’t to ad…”

“Quinn you’re not helping me,” I said.

“Right, sorry,” Quinn went quiet, “Who is he here with?” Quinn asked me pointing at another guy that was African American but had lighter skin than Colt.

I had no idea who he was or why he was there. My brain doing the math trying to figure out who was with who. As this guy came up to us and grabbed me by the chin.

“Uncle BEN!” I said loudly as this man stared at me holding onto my Jaw.

“Baby it’s ok Baker just looking at your face. You’re fine.”

I was very much not fine. I didn’t want his hands on me. I didn’t know who he was his bulbous nose catching me off guard as it was only inches from my face giving me a very good view of his nose hair. I had called for him not because I thought he would protect me but out of instinct him being the only adult I knew even if he didn’t give me the warm fuzzies.

“This is the one who did the GB, right?” the guy holding my chin asked, “I can see why people like him. Look at those pretty green eyes. Like emeralds. He’s 12?”

“Almost,” Uncle Ben told him.

“I think we’ll start with him. I want a face on him though. Just foundation so the lights don’t wash him out and then we’ll get it staged. I have a nice cheetah print throw. That would be a nice little teasing thing for our members to see,” the guy said.  
“Really?” Tony frowned deeply wrinkling his whole face at the thought, “I was thinking we’d do ribbon. You know, put a little blindfold on him and wrap him up like a Christmas present at his wrists and ankles. Maybe rainbow colored. I do have some rainbow ribbon streamers we can use.”

Were they going to tie me up? I didn’t want to be tied up. I didn’t want to do that.

“Well get him set up either way. He knows how to suck in his stomach right? All of that jazz?”

“I would hope so. He’s 11,” Uncle Ben said putting a hand on my elbow and leading me out of the room and down a hallway.

It was a room that was set up with a blue backdrop or staging area. Almost like they were taking school pictures a girl sitting there, Sun Lee. She gave me a tiny smile as I sat down still in my undies and she applied a tiny bit of powder to my face even though she didn’t say anything to me before she left.

Baker sighted before he pulled me up by my arm again looking at me as Uncle Ben left the room, “Look we’re going to do some teasing shots. Soft. You know what that is?” he asked me.

I shook my head. I didn’t know what any of that stuff was. I mean the shooting of the porno, half of it I’d been checked out for just because of the stress and the pain. So, no I had no idea what soft meant.

“Ok it’s basically you’re going to get naked and we’re going to take still pictures. You’ll touch yourself a little bit. We’ll do a little bit of tease bondage which means you need to be still otherwise what we’re doing is going to come untied. So, take off your undies and I’ll move you how I need you,” Baker said to me.

I could feel myself shaking. I didn’t want to be naked in front of him. I didn’t want to do any of it. My whole-body shivering as I looked at him before he dragged me over to the blue tarp.

“Lay down flat on your back,” he told me.

I felt like I was choking. He was going to rape me. I was sure of it. I didn’t want to do it. 

“Relax. Don’t fucking cry. I’m not going to do anything to you, ok? Soft means pictures of you naked. You ever hear of playboy? How the girls just take naked pictures with no one doing anything to them? It’s like that. So, cool your jets ok?”

He grabbed what looked like a streamer that was rainbow colored. He pulled off my underwear and then took the streamer smiling at me.

“Ok what I’m going to do is put a blindfold on you and we’re going to take some pictures. I’m going to wrap this around your wrists and ankles and take a few shots and then switch and take a few more shots. Then we’ll move to group stuff,” he said.  
He wrapped me in the streamer. Tying it in the shape of a bow around my ankles before he put a black blindfold over my eyes. I could hear the click of the camera as he took the pictures. The only way I managed to stay calm was telling myself that I was ok. That he wasn’t really touching me and that he had said they were soft shots at least these ones so he said. 

That meant it was just me naked as he untied the ribbon around my ankles and made me touch the soles of my feet together before tying them back up taking more pictures. As I tried to breathe, to just relax even though I hated it. To just breathe even though I felt like my face was on fire. 

A door opening causing me to jerk my head in the direction of the door even though I was still blindfolded.

“Ok, Ricky. You know how you play with Daddy’s?” I heard Baker ask someone.

“You mean where they put their love meat in my pussy?” I heard a little boy ask quietly.

“Yes, I want it to look like that’s what you’re doing so sit on his lap,” Baker said.

I felt a little hand on my shoulder even though I was still tied and then a naked thigh pressing against my naked thigh as someone undid the ribbon tied around my feet.

“Put your legs together. The boss doesn’t want penetration just make it look like it’s going on,” Baker said to me.

“I have to,” I heard a tiny voice as Baker untied my wrists and pulled off my blindfold.

It was the little Latin boy. He looked sad like he didn’t want to do it. Like it wasn’t something he was interested in, but he knew he had no choice. Just like I had no choice. The only reaction I could muster was a nod of my head as he climbed on top of my lap naked.

He didn’t even hesitate him grinding his little body against my lap making my face heat up so much I thought it was on fire.

“Ok Will sit up. Sit up and support your weight with your arms just like leaning back a little bit,” Baker directed me.

I wasn’t sure what I was doing really. Only that he was still taking photos of me. As I tried not to blank out the kid putting his hands on each side of my face as I sat up leaning back putting my arms behind me, so I was leaning upwards with my legs spread out under Rick. His little seven-year-old body seeming too small to be sitting on my lap like that. Too small to be…doing that. With anyone.

“Look at him,” Baker said, “I want you to look into his eyes like you want to kiss him.”

What? I didn’t want to kiss him. He was seven. Who would want to make out with a seve…oh? That’s right I was surrounded by perverts. Me closing my eyes and sighing heavily.

“I’ll get in trouble,” he said barely above a whisper, “Dad will be so mad. And then Quinn will get so sad and he tries so hard so pl…”

“It’s not you,” I told him quietly, “It’s not you. Ok?”

“Come on! You just did a gang bang. Don’t tell me you can’t French kiss a kid with a tiny camera flashing at you,” Baker sighed sounding annoyed.

“I’ve never…?” I trailed off.

I had never really done a photo shoot before. Just like that had been my first film. My first…everything pretty much.

“I know you’ve kissed people before. If Lionel is famous for one thing it’s how much he loves to suck on tongues among other things. So, don’t lie. Close your eyes take a deep breath, shake it out and then relax ok?” Baker said to which I nodded my head Rick getting off my lap and standing up as I stood up as well.

I didn’t want to take pictures of me French kissing a kid. Or posing to make it look like we were having sex. I didn’t want to even pretend to have sex with a seven-year-old. The whole idea was disgusting to me. Just knowing that they were making me take pictures to show to people. Pictures like what was in playboy were disgusting to me. It was hard enough knowing that everyone had already seen me naked in videos now they got to see me naked in pictures too?

“We have to,” Rick said to me again quietly.

“I know,” I told him, “It’s not your fault ok? I won’t…I won’t let you get punished for something that scared me. I know you don’t want to do this either and that’s ok.”

Rick shook his head at me looking at our feet before I sighed sitting down Baker smiling at us before Ricky climbed back into my lap getting back into position. He didn’t make me really kiss him. He allowed us to press our lips together closed at first and then made us pose like we were kissing with our mouths open. 

There were several different things he made me do that I wasn’t prepared for because Quinn had told me it would just be “staging” but, at that point I didn’t even know what “staging” was. Baker snapping a couple of pictures and then making us move slightly. Making me spread my legs slightly so Rick could rest his hands in-between them, make it look like he was jacking me off as I kissed his collarbones, his chest. Another pose he tried involved my hands-on Rick’s ass. My finger slightly curved to trick the camera into thinking that I was…that my finger was inside his ass. 

After that, he was allowed to leave for a while. Baker posing me with different things again before Quinn came in. Baker pulled a weird couch over onto the blue tarp. There was some more posing and then after that, we were all allowed to leave and go back to the room where we had been eating.

I remember feeling gross. The whole entire time we waited for James I felt like I was holding my breath. I just wanted to leave. I wanted to go home so I could take a shower. Hoping that no one molested him and that whatever his photo shoot was like, it was like mine. Mostly just a creepy guy forcing him to stand in different positions or sit and then snap a photo or two before making him stand or sit differently and snapping more shots. About 15 minutes after he had gone into the room he was coming back out and joining us again him climbing into the booth and crying into my underwear-clad lap.

“Bud, what’s wrong? What happened?” I said as that new guy that we hadn’t gotten a chance to know came over.

“James…,” David said quietly ignoring me.

“Don’t talk to him. Talk to me,” I said shaking my head, “Did you do something to him?”

“Look the…”

“You did?! You did, didn’t you? Get the fuck away from us. Stay away from my brother,” I said picking him up and pulling him into my arms, “Come on bud, we’re going to go get dressed ok? And we’ll meet uncle Ben in the car.”

“The…”

“I don’t want to fucking hear it,” I told David, “You stay away from my brothers. All of them. And you stay away from me.”

“I’ll walk with you,” Quinn said standing up and following us over to the room where we had left our clothing, “You can’t blame him the…”

“I don’t care. He should have fought. Did it loo…”

“They would have hurt the weakest person in the room. That’s what they do,” Quinn tried explaining to me, “If he did something to Jay it’s because he was told he had to or someone else was going to and if you d…”

“I know it would fucking hurt him, ok? I get it. I’m not stupid. I understand that doesn’t mean it’s ok to do it though. He doesn’t even know him. Not even a little bit. He’s a little boy.”

“I’m right here Willy,” Jay said quietly as he pulled his shirt over his head, “I just …it made me feel funny. They made him put his nose there and it felt funny.”

I looked over at him his face turning red as he looked at the floor. It was still bothering him. I could tell by the way he wouldn’t look at me. They had made David put his nose against Jay’s penis. Taken pictures of that. Humiliated him.

“I’m sorry Jay,” I said hugging him, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel like I was talking about you and not to you. I’m just worried ok?”

“I know,” he said, “I just want to go home, Willy. I’m tired.”

“I know bud,” I told him, “I know. I love you. We’re going to go wait in the car for Uncle Ben.”

I went into the cubby where his shoes were sitting on top of his pants and grabbed the keys out of his pants pocket. I knew I would probably be in trouble but, I wanted us out of there. I wasn’t doing things with Quinn. They couldn’t make me. I wouldn’t let them. I grabbed my little brother’s hand and walked away figuring that eventually, Uncle Ben would come outside as I climbed into the backseat with James.

“Are you ok?” I asked him as he curled into my lap.

“I didn’t like it. I told the man that I didn’t want …but he said that if I didn’t he’d tell the leader. That he would be really mad. You said I can’t ever make him mad so even though I didn’t want to I let him. He licked it. He told me he was sorry and he didn’t make me touch him again. He told me he was sorry, David did. That he didn’t want to that he thought I was nice. That he was sorry,” James told me quietly.

“Ok, bud. It’s ok you’re safe now, all right? We’ll just wait for him to take us home,” I told him running my hand through his hair.

“I know Willy. We’re together so we’re safe. You always keep me safe. Always even if it means I have to be good,” he said before he started crying my heart breaking.

“Everything you do is good bud. Nothing about you is bad I promise. You’re so brave. Do you want to know something? I almost cried. I wasn’t even really being touched, not really and I almost cried. And you didn’t cry even a little bit until you came to me, right?”

“Right,” he told me quietly.

“That means you’re stronger than I am,” I told him, “You’re so strong bud.”

“I don’t feel strong. He said bad things, Willy. Really bad things.”

“Who? When?” I asked feeling myself panic a little bit, feeling my stomach jump.

“He said that if I wasn’t good he’d bite you next time he was with you. That he’d make you hurt. I don’t want you to hurt Willy. Not ever. So, I was good,” he admitted to me.

“Hey, I worry about me ok? I’m big. I can deal with it. Whatever he wants to do to me I’ll handle it. I can take care of me. I promise. I don’t need you to worry about me ok?” I told him rubbing his head before I kissed the back of it a loud pounding on the door behind me making us both jump.

“I didn’t say you could leave,” Uncle Ben told us pulling open the driver’s door, “Get in your seat and we’re going home. You’re lucky. You’re so lucky Will.”

I figured I was in trouble I just didn’t care. I had a little boy that had just been molested crying into my lap me gently coaxing him away and buckle him into his seat belt. It felt weird. Knowing that he had taken us there for that. To have some guy take pictures of us. Take pictures of us doing things with other boys.

He didn’t speak to us the rest of the way home nor when we finally made it back to the house and into the lift him leaving us on the second floor. When we got to my room James was the first one to make it to the door him stopping as he looked at it. My desk and bed were different. Not the bed I had left in there that morning.

I had known that was the plan but, it still struck me as odd as I stared at it. It was a queen-sized bed now. The bed frame a black polished metal with iron bars in an almost lattice pattern as the headboard and footboard. The sheets and comforter now black as well instead of the blue it had been before. Black to match the frame of the bed and new desk that was there.

“Willy?” James asked me quietly.

“I see it,” I told him.

It was a bondage bed. There wasn’t any way to disguise that fact. Not from me and not from James. We had both seen the beds downstairs repeatedly. They had wooden frames and looked slightly different but, the bars the way they were set up was so that someone could be handcuffed or tied to the frame very easily. So, it would be difficult to get themselves uncuffed. I wasn’t sure if James realized that’s what the pattern of the bars was about but, I knew.

“I…,” he trailed off.

“Come on. We’ll go make a fort in your closet ok? Just you and me and we’ll stay there for a little while ok bud?” I asked him trying to comfort him as he held open his arms and I picked him up carrying him to his room.

He looked terrified. The color drained away from his body. He knew it was a bed for that. For Da to rape me in. A bed that Da was probably going to use to do things to me. I’m not sure what scared him more. The idea that no one would stop Da from doing something like that or the idea that Da would do it with everyone else right down the hall. Or maybe he was just terrified because if Da could do that to me with everyone right there it meant that Da could easily do the same thing to him anytime he wanted.

I grabbed his comforter off his bed as well as all his favorite blankets and his toys and laid down with him. Climbed into the pile with him. I don’t think we left his room for the rest of the day. Not that there was any reason to. The two us staying there until around 7 pm when Da coming upstairs.

“Come on honey,” he said looking at me. Acting like he had just expected me to be there. Just knew where I would be with James having already fallen asleep because of all the crying he had done earlier. All the fear making him deflate and fall into an uneasy sleep.

I knew he wanted me to follow him. Spend the night with him and I knew I had no choice but to do so unless I wanted it to be someone else. Someone like Mike or Matt or James. Me sighing heavily before I nodded my head grabbing his hand when he offered it to me.

“So, Uncle Ben said there were some issues earlier?” He questioned me as we went out into the hallway.

“Not really,” I answered quietly.

“He told me you weren’t very happy with getting fitted and that James didn’t take it too well either,” Da told me, “Care to tell me why?”

“It’s just…,” I sighed not sure how to explain it. How to explain I didn’t want any of them touching me. I didn’t want them against my skin and I really didn’t want them touching my baby brother. He was just little. The last thing he needed was for more people to touch him. To take his clothes off and undress him. To violate him.

“It’s just what honey? Talk to me,” Da said as he closed my bedroom door behind him.

“He’s scared all the time Da. All the time because of the Leader and…”

“He’ll be fine. Eventually, he’ll understand. If you didn’t give into him and coddle him like you do it would be easier for him,” he said starting to undo his shirt.

I felt sick to my stomach. That was a lie. There wasn’t anything I could say to make the panic he felt go away when he thought about Daddy L and the things he made him do. I knew that because there wasn’t anything anyone could ever say to me that made it better either. That made me believe it was ok when it felt so wrong. When I could see what he thought when he looked at me. When any of them looked at me.

“Just tell him to do what he’s told that it’s because we love him. You’re hurting him by babying him. If your mum were here, do you think I’d let her hug and cuddle him the way you do after a lesson? No, I wouldn’t. So, you need to stop,” he told me starting to undo his pants.

“Da please I…”

“Don’t even think about it. You’ve been getting loose with that tongue. You think your uncle didn’t tell me what you said at your fitting earlier? You think he didn’t tell me what a bad example you set at the restaurant? Clothes, now.”

A cold shiver went up my spine. He was mad. He was mad probably because I had called Bill a pervert. Told them they shouldn’t touch him because he doesn’t like being touched. Just like I didn’t like being touched.

“I’m sorry,” I said grabbing the hem of my shirt.

“Then show me that you’re sorry, honey,” he told me taking off his pants and underwear before pulling his undershirt off, so he was standing there in just his socks, “You like your new bed?”

No. No, I didn’t like my new bed or my matching nightstand and desk. He reached down and grabbed something out of his pocket before going over to my new desk and unlocking the top drawer that I didn’t even realize had a lock on it.

“This is our special drawer,” Da said as he smiled at me, “This way I don’t have to get up and go grab it from the bathroom.”

He pulled out the tub of Vaseline making me want to scream and then casually set a pair of handcuffs down on the desktop next to the tub making me swallow as I undid my trousers my mouth going dry. Why did he have handcuffs? Was he really that angry with me? So angry about me trying to protect James he wasn’t just going to rape me but, handcuff me.

“Now,” he said to me again as I let my pants fall along with my underwear, “Nice, get on the bed. We’ll break it in.”

I didn’t want to do it. If I didn’t though it would be one of them. I knew it would be. I sighed heavily before I turned climbing onto it, onto my new bed. My adult-sized bed. My bed that was now big enough for the two of us to sleep in it together.

“Yes, stay,” he said as I turned so I was on my knees on the bed reaching over to untuck the covers that were so tightly made it would be hard to get underneath them before I felt his hand on my hip, at my waist.

“I can understand why Lionel enjoys this view. He ever eat you out like this?” Da asked me the bluntness making my face flush. 

Had he ever done anything like that? From behind. No, no he hadn’t. I was sure he enjoyed being able to see my face. To watch my expression. 

Da talking even though he wasn’t touching me, “I’ve heard that Sergei really enjoyed his time with you. I also heard from Lionel that he gave you a peg to train on that I’m sure you’re not using. Is that true?”

Yes. He had made me take it home but, I wasn’t planning on telling him about it or using it. I felt like if I could fit someone the size of Sergei easily that Lionel would use it as an excuse to make me star in more videos. Videos I didn’t want to star in.

“ffff,” escaped as something cold hit my tailbone. Something slimy that was not Vaseline.

“Was it cold honey?” he asked me as I felt his fingers brushing around my hole. Coating my more sensitive areas in the stuff, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to freeze you out. Lionel convinced me to try something. He says it makes you mewl like a kitten. That he believes you like it almost as much as you like cock in that boy pussy. That you really enjoy tongue there as well is that true?”

He slid his tongue down my spine climbing up on the bed behind me, making me bite on own tongue. Please tell me he’s joking. I remember thinking that, wishing that he was joking. Silently praying that he was joking as he stopped for a minute and leaned forward cuffing me to my new headboard, “Wouldn’t be a punishment without some punishing, right?” he whispered before kissing in-between my shoulder blades.  
I tried to make myself go numb at that point. There was no way he was going to let me out of whatever he was going to do. Probably the same things Lionel always did to me. His teeth scraping my skin as he kissed down my spine my back. His tongue going there making me whimper loudly.  
“See he might like the natural tastes but…,” he said licking again making me shudder, “I personally enjoy Pina colada. What do you think?” he asked me before driving his tongue in a lot harder than I was prepaid for making me grunt in surprise.

I had no idea what he was doing but I remember feeling the scratching the scraping of teeth. It hurt. I remember it hurting. At first being a sharp pinch and then a sting before there was a dull stabbing pain as his tongue moved away.

“You embarrassed me today,” he hissed shoving his fingers hard into me, “What do you say?”

“Sorry Da,” I said trying hard not to cry.

“Are you sorry enough to take it like the good little slut you are? Daddy’s little cock slut?” He asked me as I felt him rubbing the head of his penis up against my crack. Prompting me to allow entry. My brain flashing back to when I was a little kid. A child that he would climb into bed with and rub up against me like that. Rub up against me and tell me I was good. That he loved me, and he just wanted me to feel good and now he was telling me I was…that I had embarrassed him.

I had embarrassed him by trying to protect my brother. My little brother who didn’t deserve to be treated like that. To have pictures taken of him like that. To have some guy he didn’t know touch him like that. Especially not so other people could take pictures of it.

“Are you really?” he asked me resting himself against me, against my hole causing me to tense, “Relax. Relax and it won’t hurt. It doesn’t have to hurt honey. You can enjoy it. Enjoy my…,” he pushed in the pressure making me cry out, “Cock. I know you enjoy cock.”

“I didn’t mean to. He…he’s so s…” I managed before gasping sharply as he pulled out.

“God almost as good. Almost. You’re almost as good as he is,” he said biting into my shoulder and sucking lightly, “Good boy. That’s it, baby. Let me have it. You feel so good. Such a sweet tight little body huh? Just begging for my cock. Tell me you want it, honey. Tell me you want it.” He murmured biting my ear.

“I…I…want…I want you…your…I want your…please Da. Please,” I begged trying not to cry, “Please I…”

“Say it. I want to hear it. I am after all your first Daddy. No matter what I’ll always be first. Tell me you want it. Tell me you want me,” he breathed into my neck grabbing my hair and pulling my head back hard the bed rocking slamming up against the wall.  
“I…I…I…I…I…wwwanntt yourrr ….cock,” I barely managed as I panted as he slammed into me repeatedly until I was screaming, whimpering wishing I could find my words, wishing I could beg him to stop and finding that I could only whimper and moan as he grunted behind me. As he used his hips to thrust into me over and over. The whole bed rocking so hard it was banging against the wall.

Somehow, he managed to keep going until the only thing holding me up was the handcuffs digging into my wrists. My knees eventually giving out underneath me so he was rutting against me to stay inside my cavity. To continue his assault on my body and my soul. He only went still as I felt my eyes roll for the fourth and final time before he rolled off me panting laying down beside me and kissing my left ass cheek before resting his face on it.

“That was amazing!” he said as he managed to catch his breath, “I’m serious I think that was the best we’ve ever done. Has to be in my top three. John is going to have to work twice as hard to get back into the number 3 spot. He’s still at number one and two of course but it’ll take some work to knock you out of third place.”

He reached up unlocking the cuffs from around my right wrists my body going limp as he unlooped the cuffs from the headboard and I sunk into the pillows and mattress face first. I remember being too tired to even roll over. My body feeling too sticky, too disgusting. Da kissing the spot in-between my shoulder blades again before making a clicking sound with his tongue against his teeth.

“I think I might have gotten a little carried away. Marked you up a little bit. That’s ok though, right honey?” he muttered rubbing my back before reaching over and turning off the lamp on the nightstand. The only light that had been on in the room before he pulled the covers up over us, “I love you. Let’s go to sleep ok?”

I nodded my head not really wanting to speak. Not wanting to sleep next to him but wanting to climb in the shower and skin myself, pull off my first layer of skin so that a new layer could grow in its place. A layer he had never touched. That none of them had ever been with.

“I love you too,” I answered automatically as I felt him settle in beside me. As he fell asleep.


	55. Chapter 55

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will wakes up feeling worn down. He ends up finding out Flynn works at the local market as he tries to avoid thinking about Da and fails horribly. Da comes to him that night and he suddenly ends up in ER scared, tired and overwhelmed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1389 to 1415 **Warnings: Rape/non-con, forced kissing, forced oral, mental health issues, anxiety, medical issues** A decent sized chapter I might give you another one later. Everyone keeps asking how many Will chapters there are before John gets out of the hospital. There are more than there are chapters of John in the hospital because a lot actually happens while John is gone. The beds are a pretty big event. If you have noticed Will seems to become agitated more easily lately as well as he's becoming more outwardly emotional/not acting like himself. That's what often happens to abuse victims when in the midst of their abuse. Personalities changes are common, being overtly emotional, prone to outbursts of anger or upset, becoming anti-social or withdrawn from friends and family. Trouble sleeping all of these things are common signs of abuse. Because he's already abused it just shows the escalation he is facing.

I don’t know when he woke me up, but he woke me up with a kiss a “real love” kiss. Telling me it was time for him to go downstairs and get dressed before he headed to his office on the third floor him telling me that while he wasn’t counting on it being possible he would try to make time for a long lunch so that he could come back upstairs.

I should have moved. Gone to check on the babies. I knew I should have but I couldn’t find the energy to do it. I was too tired, and my legs were sore, my back, my ass. I hated that bed. I hated all of it but, I had no choice but to accept that it was my life the thought that I just had to keep moving forward allowing me to drift back to sleep even if it wasn’t a restful one.

I’m not sure how much longer I slept because I didn’t bother to check the clock when Da had woken me up the first time but the second time it was just after seven my door opening and a little face poking inside to look around quietly before he visibly relaxed coming up to climb into bed with me.

“Bud, I’m naked,” I told him.

“Oh,” he said his cheeks going slightly pink, “Can I still…? Please Willy?”

“Can you hand me some pants?” I asked him sighing heavily.

Honestly the last thing I was in the mood for was cuddling. I had just spent all night being cuddled. While he didn’t rape me after he started to fall asleep he did a lot of touching. Grabbing me lightly in his sleep and he had woken me up several times by kissing my cheek or my neck. Sometimes calling me John or baby. Treating me like I was…like I was John.

I didn’t need to be cuddled. I wanted to be alone and I didn’t know how to tell him that.

“Are you ok Willy?” he asked me as I pulled the covers over my head thinking about how I needed to do it for him. Just suck it up and do it. How he didn’t have mum or John and all he had was me. That I needed to just do it just like I had last night with Da. 

“Willy are you crying?” he asked me pulling on my arm above the covers, “Willy? What’s wrong? Talk to me please. I’m sorry. I didn’t…I didn’t mean to be bad. Please don’t be mad at me. I’m sorry Willy. I’m sorry. Please I’ll be good. I’ll be good I promise.”His voice started to squeak as he started crying.

I didn’t want to hurt him but, I wanted to be left alone. I didn’t want to talk about what he had probably heard last night. What everyone had probably heard. I didn’t want to be me anymore let alone be touched by someone so sweet and so little that I was breaking. 

“Guys what’s…? Oh Jay. Come here,” I heard Mike say, “Willy is just really tired, bud. He’s not mad. I promise. You remember how we’ve talked about that a little bit? How sometimes I don’t…because of Matty?”

“He’s not mad?” I heard James ask the sound of his voice stabilizing.

“No, he’s not mad. He’s just super tired. Why don’t we go cuddle in my top bunk, ok? Just you and me?” Mike asked him.

“No Matty?” Jay asked him quietly, “Hopefully.”

“I swear. Why don’t you go climb up there and, I’ll be right there? I promise,” Mike told him quietly.

“Ok Mikey. I love you. I love you Willy,” he said before I heard his little feet skittering away down the hall.

“Don’t worry about it Will, ok? I have him. I know you’re tired. If you want to talk a…”

“I don’t want to fucking talk. I want everyone to leave me alone,” I spat.

I felt tired. If it wasn’t Uncle Ben it was Lionel, if it wasn’t Lionel it was Leo or Hank or…or Da. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I was tired, and I just didn’t want to do it anymore. I wanted it to stop.

“Huh, ok,” Mike said quietly, “I’ll leave you alone. We love you though ok? If you want to talk I’m here.”

I wanted everything to stop. The idea hitting me like a light bulb being turned on. That’s why he did it. He just wanted it to stop. He wanted everything to stop.

It wasn’t us it wasn’t even them he was trying to escape from because there was no escaping. It was that he wanted it to stop. If only for a single day. There had barely been a single day where one of them wasn’t…I got up and went to the bathroom. Taking a shower to calm myself down before I climbed into my own closet hoping that maybe if I stayed there I’d feel safe. That I’d be ok.

I was tired. I remember feeling tired enough that I didn’t come out. Not until I heard a knock on my bedroom door and then someone opened my closet making me jump up.

“Oh, Will sugar it’s me. I wanted to know if you would come to the store with me and the boys. I have to go pick up some stuff for the roast I’m making tonight. Are you ok sugar? Mike told me you had a bad night but,”

I interrupted her the thought hitting me, “If we’re going to the store with you who is going to watch the babies and Cat?” I asked.

“Well your Daddy hired a new girl to help. He wanted to give her a couple of hours on her own and see how she does. So, I agreed to take you older boys shopping. It’d be really helpful to have you there.” Alice told me.

So, we were leaving some girl alone with my baby brothers and sisters? No. No. I shook my head.

“I need you to come. Ok? Your brother Matty is a…complex young man and I would like the help. If things work out with this girl, she’ll be working with the babies and working weekends while I work on the weekdays mainly.” Alice told me.

“What?” I asked her.

“Oh Will, sugar listen to me. I love spending time with you. You’re all so sweet but this is…there are things about your family that are stressful, and I don’t think I can keep dealing with seven days a week. So, if this girl works out we’re going to figure this out. If you would li…” the lift kicked on.

I wanted to meet this girl. I didn’t want to another person around. Especially if it was someone I didn’t know, didn’t trust. I got up and gently pushing Alice out of the way.

“And this is their area. They usually stay up here because it’s easier. I’m sure you understand all things considered…” I heard Da telling her as the lift opened.

She looked young. Karen’s age probably with dirty blonde hair and green eyes a light dusting of freckles over the bridge of her nose. She gave me a small smile and waved sheepishly at me before wrinkling her nose at my Da’s back as he walked towards me.

“Are you ok Honey?” he asked me to which I nodded my head.

Was I ok? I could feel him in my anal cavity as he smiled at me. No. I wasn’t ok. Not between all of them. I knew I had to lie though. I had to be fine. That it was probably better if I went with Alice anyway.

“Come on,” Alice sighed as Mike and Matty along with James going down the hall and got into the lift. James grabbing my hand as he walked past me. We got into the lift and I don’t remember much happening other than my anxiety building wondering what was going to happen once we got there. 

I had what I like to now refer to as market anxiety. I felt like everyone was watching me whenever I went into a store. I don’t know if it was because it seemed every adult man I had met since I moved to the US had been either interested in me or one of my siblings in a sexual way but, I felt like all that was happening when I left the house was I was being stared at. I had just started to move past that feeling in Montana when we had been found. Been brought back to Florida, to Da.

“It’s ok Willy,” James said squeezing my hand, “I don’t like going to the store either.”

“You know that’s it?” I asked him looking at him surprised.

“Alice makes me stay close to her she says it’s because Da’s friends are everywhere and they look at people funny. That a lot of people look at me funny and she doesn’t like it so if I stay with her it’s better. You can stay with her too. She likes us you know?” James told me.

“I know bud,” I said nodding my head, “I’m sorry that I ….”

“No, it’s ok. Da didn’t hurt me last night I just…I get scared. And you make me feel safe. Even when you…” he said sniffling slightly and rubbing hard at his eyes to keep himself from crying.

“It’s not ok. I love you and I made you feel bad. I should have explained myself better. That I just did…”

“Want to cuddle. Mikey tells me that sometimes. Like when you were gone he said that sometimes Matty makes his skin hurt on the inside and so he doesn’t want to be touched because it hurts. He said that Da woke you up. After I went to sleep in my fort. That it wa…”

“Bud not here ok? Remember we’ve talked about when we talk about things and that in public we do…”

“Ok,” Jay said nodding his head and smiling at me squeezing my hand, “I understand.”

“Thank you,” I said feeling my chest tighten. So, they did all hear it. Lovely.

“Will, sugar can you push the cart for me please?” Alice asked as she picked up Jay making him frown, “It’s nothing against you Jay I just want to keep an eye on you and when we get to the bread aisle you wander. I don’t need you wandering.”

That made me smile. James loved gingerbread cookies and it didn’t matter how often you told him they were more of a seasonal thing he wanted those cookies and would also search high and low for a package of them from the bakery even if everyone else was positive they were nowhere to be seen. I loved how Alice knew his game so well the thought making me wonder how often she had taken him to the store when I had been otherwise engaged with something.

“How often have you gone to the store Jay?” I asked him curiously.

“Oh sugar, I take him all the time. Mike and Matty don’t want to go usually and they won’t pay him any attention because he’s not little enough to need really close supervision so that leaves him with only Catty and while he loves Catty they fight over who is going to play mama when they play house. Then I have to hear about it when I get back with the groceries so if you’re not there or you’re resting, and don’t you give me that look I see it in your face. You need your rest. No arguing about it. I just bring him with me.”

“It’s not my fault he’s annoying,” Matty said sounding like a normal nine-year-old for once in his life.

“He’s not annoying,” Mike said, “he’s a kid. He wants to play with us. Just so you know Willy, I take care of the babies. Alice is never gone for a long time.”

“You could wake me up you know. If they …”

“No, they can’t,” Alice said, “I just told you, you need your rest. When I’m not there they are under strict orders to let you rest yourself. You forget what I know, don’t you sugar?” she asked me.

I felt my face flush slightly. It was easy to forget she had worked with Lionel. Watched Teddy and Cole for him. Gone places with him. In New York people didn’t have houses they had townhouses and penthouses, apartments. Those weren’t usually that big the idea making me wonder what she had heard when she was in New York with him. How she dealt with having to listen to Cole and Teddy scream like they had probably screamed. Like I was sure I screamed when I was with him and how she had been able to stop herself from interfering. 

“It’s ok Will sugar,” she said putting her hand gently on my shoulder and giving it a little squeeze, “Don’t think about it.”

I nodded my head James putting one of his hands over top of mine as I held the cart pushing it forward. I felt weird. Mum didn’t do the shopping on her own that often so, we didn’t really go with her. We had housekeepers that came in and delivered food to the house.

We had maids that kept the house clean and on big fancy occasions, we had cooks that helped mum prepare things in the kitchen or make the meals altogether. We were rich and being rich afforded our family those luxuries even if us kids didn’t really interact with the house staff. We knew they were there and sometimes did get to see them but, it wasn’t something we ever thought about and I’m sure our Da paid them a lot of money to pretend they didn’t hear what they heard or see what they saw on the off chance they did walk in on something or find something that seemed off.

Alice often preferred when she made meals to have fresh ingredients. Because Alice was still fairly new in our lives at that point we didn’t realize that yet but at least three times a week she would pop out for half an hour to an hour and grab something from the store before returning. Which had been why I hadn’t been aware of it happening. Because she was gone for such a short amount of time it didn’t usually make any difference or disrupt anything.

“Now what we’re doing. We’re going to…”

BAM! There was a crash my whole body jumping as my brain flashed. Flashed to the bed, the metal frame hitting against the wall as he…”

“Willy? Are you ok?” James asked me.

“Will?” Mike asked turning around to look at me.

Apparently, something was showing on my face and I felt almost like my eyeballs were shaking as I tried to calm myself down.

“Willy sugar. Someone’s cart just hit a self. That’s all it is,” Alice said quietly, calmly.

“He’s thinking about how last night his b…”

“Matty, go take Mike to get grab the milk. I want a pint,” Alice told him.

“Why? Usually, you don’t let us go on our own,” Matty said.

“Well right now I’m trusting you to be good and go grab that for me,” Alice said before Mike took Matty hand and walked off, “You’re ok, sugar. Just breathe.”

“she’s right Willy. Nothing bad happened.”

“No, I know. I’m fine. I’m ….

“You’re not fine sugar I see it in your face,” she told me, “Come here.”

“I don’t…”

I was so tired of it. Of all of it the tears falling before I could stop myself as Alice hugged me from behind, “it’s ok sugar. You’re ok.”

“Why did it ha…” I barely managed.

“Oh, sweetheart,” Alice muttered to me hugging me before she turned me around wrapping me in her arms. Her arms that smelt like Lavender and baby powder, “You’re ok. You're safe none of those monsters are here. No one going hurt you right now.”  
She hugged me letting me bury my face in her shirt until I felt calmer. Safer. The sound had just been so loud. The crash of the cart. The idea that everyone knew flashing through my head. That everyone had heard it. That James and Mike and Matty knew. The feeling of his hands as the bed frame had smacked against the wall repeatedly as I was cuffed to it. 

She held me for a few minutes probably feeling my back to see if I was calming down as she wrapped her whole body around mine holding me tightly even though she was barely taller than I was. Her waiting silently as she rubbed my back until I probably seemed calm, “Is that better Willy sugar?”

I nodded my head wiping at my eyes, “Sorry.” I muttered quietly.

“Don’t be sorry sugar. There’s nothing to be sorry about. I remember being a little girl and my Daddy curling up into a ball in the middle of the street and screaming because a car backfired. That’s all it was, was your brain telling you something was wrong when it wasn’t. It happens to everyone. You all right now?” she asked me to which I nodded my head.

I still felt embarrassed. Maybe that’s why she let me “rest” all the time. Because she knew the more tired I was the more unstable I would act. James grabbing my hand again as I put them both on the cart.

“Willy? Why are your hands bigger than mine?” he asked me suddenly.

“Because I’m older,” I answered simply as he played with my hand trying to get me to let go of the bar as I pushed the cart, “Bud I need my hand. Don’t…”

“But it’s bigger. It’s not super big but it’s bigger,” he told me.

“Sugar leave your brothers hand alone. There you two gentlemen are,” Alice said as Matt and Mike came up holding a gallon of milk that Alice took from them and set in the cart.

“What are we looking for?” Matt asked.

“Shallots for the roast and fresh parsley. That’s why we’re over here,” Alice said.

“Wouldn’t that be in the seasoning aisle?” Matt asked.

“I said fresh. You ain't going to find fresh nothing there. That’s the things white folk use. I don’t cook like no white folk. Everything is fresh you know that” Alice muttered almost more to herself than to him.

“But it’s a seasoning,” Matt said frowning slightly.

“Yes, but seasonings start out as plants, so it would be in the produce section where we’re…,” she said trailing off as she apparently found what she was looking for mixed into a pile of greens, “standing.” She finished as she picked up a bushel and smelt it before setting it back down and picking up another one.

“That’s seasoning?” Matty asked her going up to her and reaching out for a different bushel Alice lightly smacking his hand.

“Yes, it is. Don’t be putting your hands all over it. You be good everyone gets a soda pop,” Alice said Matty smiling.

“Really?” he asked her.

We weren’t really allowed to have soda. Coolaid we could have, lemonade, fruit juice but soda was not something that mum allowed us to have and Alice was even worse about than mum. For some reason, Matty loved soda and would have had a glass at every meal and then in-between if he had been allowed to. Instead, we were only allowed to have it on the rare occasion we went out to eat or when we had been extremely well-behaved Matt instantly standing up straighter as Alice responded.

“Yes, if you behave and we get this done in a timely manner everyone gets a bottle of lemon-lime soda to themselves,” Alice promised as if she were making a solemn vow.

“We get soda?” James asked in a whispered awe his little eyes going big with excitement too.

“I guess so. So, you heard her. We have to be extra good,” I told him.

“Well, that’s easy for me I’m in the cart. I just have to be quiet and not grab anything. Alice doesn’t like it when I grab things,” James told me.

“Considering its all probably sweeties and junk I don’t blame her,” I told him poking his nose with my index finger.

“But I like sweeties,” Jay told me.

“I know you do. That’s why mum doesn’t let you have them,” I said his face falling as I mentioned her.

“Willy, when is mummy coming home?” he asked me quietly.

It had been a subject I kept trying to avoid and I had just accidentally brought it up. I didn’t really know much about what was going on with that other than she was in the same place John was. I hoped they were together but doubted it. After all it was a punishment for both. Mum for daring to take us away and John because he had tried to take himself away. 

“I don’t know when your mama is coming home kids,” Alice said turning around and grabbing a plastic bag to put her adequate bushel of parsley inside, “But when she does I am sure she will be beyond tickled to see what handsome young men all of you are becoming.”

“He’s not a man,” Matty said.

“He is a young man just as you are Matthew,” Alice said.

“Karen used to say we were monsters,” Mike said Alice letting out a slight chuckle.

“You can be,” she agreed, “However you are mostly well behaved. Speaking of behavior your Daddy is taking you to the doctor Monday afternoon after school lets out Matthew sugar. If everything goes well with this new girl. So, I want everyone to be nice to miss Debbie when we get back to the house. Don’t pester her too much and let her take care of them babies for us. If she asks for her help you help her because the Lord blessed us with her help and hopefully patience.”

“Ok Alice,” Mike said, “Are we done?”

“I will tell you when we are done. Now we are going to go get us some shallots. Does anyone know what a shallot is?” she asked us.

“A small onion,” I answered.

“Very close. They are the same family as onions, but they grow a little different Onions grow on their own where Shallots grow in a bunch and they tend to have more flavor,” Alice told me, “However, they are very closely related. We need them and fresh parsley to make ourselves some special butter to marinate our roast and potatoes tonight. It will be very delicious and I’m happy to try this recipe out our last weekday before school starts.

“So, we’re celebrating the start of school?” Matty asked.

“Well, I’m sure you boys are probably mourning the start of school but, I’m celebrating. Not that I don’t care deeply for you boys I just think it will be a good thing for you boys to have time with other playmates and what not. So, it will be our little farewell summer supper ok?” she told us as I followed her pushing the cart.

I knew she hadn’t meant anything by it but just talking about celebrating it reminded me of the back to school BBQ. Where I had met him. Where…a cold chill going down my back.

“Are you ok Willy?” James asked me again.

I nodded my head as everyone looked at me giving them a small tight-lipped smile. I wasn’t going to fall apart. At least I didn’t feel like I was in that moment. I was fine. Just because I pulled a face didn’t mean I was about to lose my shit.

“Why do you do that?” Mike asked me.

“Do what?” I asked him.

“You scrunch up your face and then go still or sometimes or your eyes go big and you go really still like you turned to stone,” Matty answered for him.

I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t know why I did it. I was very aware that I did do it sometimes but, I didn’t understand why. I wasn’t sure it mattered. Everyone pointed it out but, it didn’t always mean something bad. Sometimes it just meant I was thinking.

“There we go,” Alice said coming back to the cart with a plastic bag of shallots, “Now let’s go and grab some of that lemon, lime soda pop and we’ll be on our way,” she said as I pushed the cart. Mike and Matt skipping ahead of us as I followed behind Alice.

“Hey, I know you,” I heard Matt say to someone as I turned down the soda aisle with cart only to see a familiar face.

“You guys are back in town?” Flynn asked looking at them, “How are you doing Mike, right?”

“Matt. Close though,” he said, “You remember me?”

“I don’t know how anyone could forget you,” he said smiling at raising his eyebrows at Matt as he looked behind him noticing Alice and me.

He was wearing a bright red apron that said Winn Dixie on the front of it while he pushed a cart of some kind stacked high with boxes that seemed to contain two liters of soda. Apparently, he was at work. Not that I was surprised he worked. I mean most people did but it was still weird to see him at the store. He smiled at me causing my face to feel warm as I took in his light five o’clock shadow.

“Hello, I’m Alice. I’m their Nanny,” she said offering him her hand to shake.

He chuckled, “Well thank goodness for that. I would hate to think someone would let these little souls loose on the world without supervision of some kind.”

“That is the God's truth with these two,” she said putting her hand on Mike’s shoulder, “They’re good boys but they can be spirited.”

“Hi Will,” Flynn said waving at me.

“How do you know them?” she asked.

“I’m friends with Cole,” Flynn said, “I’ve been over to their house a couple times.”

A couple times I only remembered him coming over once. That was interesting.

“You seem to be a little old to be friends with Cole,” Alice said skeptically.

“My younger brother Justin was Cole’s age,” Flynn explained.

“Ah,” Alice said nodding her head, “Bottled soda pop?” she asked.

“The six packs?” he asked smiling, “Just down that way ma’am.”

“Thank you,” she said smiling walking past him.

“How are you doing?” Flynn asked turning back to me as I pushed the cart forward.

“I’m ok,” I lied, “Dr. Palmer didn’t tell you we were back?”

“He probably did. I’ve just been stressed. Family stuff,” he said.

“Oh. We have family stuff,” I told him.

“I imagine you do, yes,” he agreed nodding his head, “How is your older brother? John.”

“I don’t know. Something happened and Da had him…,” I shrugged my shoulders.

“He tried to go see my twins in heaven and so Da had him sent on vacation,” James said.

“JAMES!” I said shocked that he had said anything about it.

That was I’m pretty sure, what Da had told him. That because John had tried to go see his twins as James fondly called them he had sent John on vacation. To the hospital which was anything but a vacation. However, the fact that James had mentioned heaven probably tipped Flynn off Flynn nodding his head as his eyes went wide in shock.

“That’s…how are you guys handling that?” Flynn asked me before he rubbed the top of James’ head lightly.

“Well, school is getting ready to start so I believe John will be back from his vacation soon,” I told him.

“Justin went on vacation a couple of times,” Flynn explained, “I have been myself as well. Most of us eventually go on that vacation. I’m sure he’ll be ok.”

“I don’t...” I trailed off as Alice came back to the cart holding the bottles of soda.

“Now when we get back we’re going to let these chill in the fridge and then you will be allowed to have them when they have cooled down,” Alice said, “Thank you, young man. I hope you have yourself a nice day.”

“you too, ma’am. You guys, be good,” Flynn said as he waved us off returning back to work.

The ride back was quiet, and I was actually happy about that. I hated thinking about that party. Teddy had said last year it was something they did every year. Me wondering what it would be like that year. If it would be like it had been the year before or if it would be different. The idea scaring me. That it wouldn’t just be me who had to play that stupid game if they did it. That they would make Mike and Matty do it too.

It made me wonder when the party was going to take place and where. I didn’t want to go to it. I didn’t care who was going to be there I just knew I didn’t want to go. That it happened the end of the first week of school or at least it had last time. I got lost in the thought as I climbed into the lift for the lift to open on our floor, home. Da standing there like he had just pressed the button to summon it upward.

“How did it go Mr. McGregor?” Alice asked upon seeing Da.

“It went well. I think we have a weekend nanny, so you can now have most weekends off. Of course, I’m sure you’ll figure that out for yourselves. I saw that roast. Am I joining my children for supper if I can find that time?” Da asked her smiling.

“If you want to. There will be plenty of food to go around. If you can’t step away from your work I…”

“I’m sure I can work something out to come join my boys huh?” da said touching the top of my head lightly and smiling as he pushed past me when we got off the lift and he climbed into it. I’ll see you later,” Da said the door closing behind him.

“You’re ok Will,” Mike said to me as I nodded my head. 

I was tired. And I hated the way he had looked at me. How all of them knew what he had meant?

“You don’t have to freak out Will. It’s not like you’re John,” Matt said.

“Don’t be a butt nut, Matt. You want to be mean I’m not going to play with you. I’ll go play with Catty.”

James sputtered with laughter as Alice frowned, “Where on earth did you hear that?” Alice asked Mike.

“I don’t know. It just seemed like the right thing to say,” Mike answered shrugging his shoulders.

“Your brother is nothing butt. No butts. No insults,” Alice said just making James cling to my waist and laugh harder.

“You think that’s funny huh bud?” I asked him.

“Butt nut. I’m going to start calling him that too,” James told me.

“No, you’re not,” I hushed him, “That’s mean.”

“He’s mean,” James pointed out.

“Being mean back doesn’t make it right,” I told him, “I’m going to go lay down I think. For a little while.”

“Why?” James asked.

“Because I’m tired,” I answered.

“Can I come too?” he asked me, “I’m tired too.”

“No, how about you go with Catty ok?” I asked him.

“Are you mad at me Willy? Did I do something bad?” he asked me frowning at me.

“NO! No,” I said shaking my head, “Look I sometimes I want to be alone ok? Because I…”

“Because of the thumps last night?” he asked me quietly.

Right. Because of the thumps last night. I didn’t feel like saying that though. I didn’t want to say that because he was going to hear the same thumps because John wasn’t home. So, if I didn’t let Da thump with me he was going to do it with one of them. That’s what he had brought the beds for. So, he didn’t have to go downstairs to sleep if he didn’t want to. So, he could…

“I’m sorry Willy. I could help,” he told me.

That idea made me want to kill myself. That he would even think that I could let him do that. He knew what he meant. He knew what he was saying I could see it in his face. I shook my head.

“Come here,” I said hugging him, “I’m going to be fine ok? I’m just tired bud. I just need some sleep ok? I promise that’s all it is. I’m not mad at you and I’m not breaking down like John. I’m just tired and I just need a nap on my own. I promise,” I lied.

“You promise?” he asked me again.

“I promise. I’m just tired, ok? That’s all it is. I just want to lay down on my own,” I said.

I didn’t want him to feel bad but, I was honestly beyond tired at that point. Da had spent the night with me and then it felt like everyone had been watching me at the market. I just wanted to be alone somewhere where I didn’t have to deal with another pair of eyes. Another person. Me kissing the top of his head before I went to my room for a while. Before I went somewhere it was quiet.

I was worried. School started Monday. John still wasn’t back and Da hadn’t told me if he was coming back. I hadn’t heard anything about him or mum and everyone else was tired. I knew Mike had to be tired. Otherwise, why would he have mentioned Matt earlier? I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone was starting to get as tired as I was just that they were better at hiding it because they were younger. Because they were dealing with it less.

I don’t remember much until Lunch came around Alice making one of her famous crock pot lunches. I still don’t know how she made them to this day, but it was like a mixture of gravy meat chunks and mashed potatoes with peas and carrots. I remember eating nearly two helpings of it before I crawled back into bed and stayed there for most of the day just reading. I just didn’t feel like dealing with anyone and I wanted time to myself. That was until I heard him. Da.

I knew he’d want to spend the night with me again. The idea causing me to check the time on my alarm clock and find that it was 7 pm. That he was going to be coming in at any minute as Alice headed out. That no one would bother me because I was being anti-social, wanting to be on my own.

I waited trying to read my book, pretending nothing was wrong until I heard him knock on the door. I didn’t want to tell him to come in. I wanted to pretend he wasn’t behind the door at all. Pretend I didn’t hear him knocking so I didn’t have to tell him to go away. So, I didn’t have to tell him I didn’t want to have sex with him. 

So, he didn’t have to see the disgust in my eyes. Didn’t have to see how dirty it all made me feel. So, I didn’t have to fight the urge to tell him no with every fiber of my being. Him smiling as he cracked it open slowly, his eyes doing that thing. Giving me that look that told me he was hungry and not for food.

“Hi Honey,” he said, “Alice just left. She just finished putting everyone down. The new Nanny will be here tomorrow instead of Alice her name is Debbie.”

“Yes, Da,” I said saying that only thing that seemed appropriate. The only thing that I was sure wouldn’t anger him or make him hurt me worse than he felt he had to. Because it always hurt. Him pushing inside even if it was gentle always hurt for that first couple of seconds as my body adjusted to the intrusion especially when I was that young. My body being every bit the 11 years old that it was.

“Anything you want to talk about?” he asked me.

Was he serious? I wanted to talk about everything. I wanted to know where mum was. Where John was. I wanted to know when they were coming home. I wanted to know why he was hiring this Debbie girl and what his plans were for us. What was happening? I wanted to know everything and, it seemed like he was the only one with the answers but, he had a price I had to pay for it. And that price, that price was too high. It was a price I could never afford.

“I…I do…don't know,” I barely managed to whisper.

“Well, if you did want to talk about something what would that be?” he asked me as he sat down on the end of my bed me going to shift my weight, “Don’t move. You’re fine.”

I felt like all the air was caught in my chest. I was afraid he was going to play with my feet, my legs. That was something Lionel did. Had done in the past repeatedly and the idea made me beyond nervous. Beyond anxious, the emotion must have easily displayed on my face because he frowned deeply at me.

“What’s wrong honey?” he asked me.

“Nothing I just…,” I shook my head, “I’m ok. Can I ask about John?” I asked him.

“Sure honey, what about him?” he asked me before he stood up starting to unbutton the shirt that he had been wearing all day. Making me nervous making my face heat up.

“When is he coming home?” I asked him.

“Soon I suspect,” he assured me, “I know you miss him. I miss him too honey.”

He dropped his shirt and undershirt to the ground stepping out of his pants and leaving himself standing there naked making my mouth go dry. So yeah, we were doing that again. My face feeling even warmer as I stood up, as he pulled my covers open.  
“How do you like your new bed?” he asked me, “And the matching dresser and Desk?”

“It’s…different,” I said quietly not sure what else to say his eyes flashing as his brow furrowed at me.

“You don’t like it? Is it the wrong color?” he asked me, “I thought about having the guy paint it navy blue. That’s your color, right? But then they might raise more than an eyebrow. I mean I already told them to take the pulley’s and dowels off. I had them custom made for you boys. So, I could spend time up here with you guys sometimes and I figured this would be the best time to try one out. Originally the headboard was a part of a canopy system that had this pulley set up, so you can hang a swing above the mattress, but I had them discluded that for these models.”

“It’s just…it feels weird. After having a smaller bed for so long. I’m not that big yet,” I told him.

“No, you aren’t but I am,” Da said stroking himself. 

It wasn’t the first time someone had done that to get themselves erect in front of me but, my face felt just as hot as it did whenever anyone else did it as I tried to avoid looking at it, seeing it. 

“Honey you don’t need to be shy about it. Why don’t you take off those clothes? I know you’re hot. And don’t tell me you’re fine. Your face is completely flushed so you have to be warm,” he told me.

I stood up and I could feel myself shaking. I didn’t want to take off my clothes. I didn’t want to have sex with him but I couldn’t just tell him no. Telling him no would have been the worse option so I did as I was told taking off my clothes his hands immediately going to my hips and squeezing them almost like they were handles before he pushed me down using his body before he pulled me into bed with him.

“You’re beautiful you know that?” he asked me as he looked at me unblinking.

I didn’t feel beautiful. I knew that’s what they told me. Both him and Lionel. Uncle Ben, all of them but I felt anything but beautiful him grinding against me making me feel like I needed to hold onto something, anything.

I decided to grab the headboard Da smiling as he noticed it before biting into my neck and sucking his hands squeezing and pinching my thighs and hips making me whine and whimper slightly. What I really wanted to do was scream. Scream at him to stop. Beg him to stop. I wanted to be good for him I did but I didn’t want to give him that. I wanted to do anything but give him that. Give him my body.

“Hey, it’s ok honey,” he said grabbing my attention causing me to open my eyes I had been squinting closed so hard I was starting to get a headache, “I’m not going to be as rough as I was last night ok? I want to make love to you. I know I was a little rough last night but, it doesn’t always have to be like that ok? I’m not going to fuck you. I’m not ok?”

I sighed and nodded my head trying to make it look like I felt a relief of some kind even though I didn’t. He would still call me names. I knew he would as he shifted his weight and then gently forced my legs a part, so he could rest his body weight in-between them. So, he could do whatever it was he was planning to do.

“You don’t need to look scared. We’ve done this before. You know the difference,” he said getting up and going back over to the desk drawer and using the key that was around his neck on a chain and unlocking it getting out that tube that meant he was going to penetrate me.

I felt like if I opened my mouth my heart was going to jump out. It wasn’t right. Just like with Uncle Ben and Lionel it didn’t feel right and I didn’t want it to happen but somehow, I felt even more powerless than usually. Maybe it was the fact that I knew I couldn’t cry and scream. Maybe it was because I knew if I told him no I would be in trouble and on the receiving end of his anger in a very real way but, I felt beyond powerless. Like I wasn’t anything. Like I was less than an animal and more like an object.  
“That’s it, just relax,” he whispered his lips above my sternum as he coated his fingers with the sticky clear fluid before he started using his fingers to circle my entrance slowly, “You feel good, you know that?” Da asked me like he expected me to answer as I felt my face burning so hot I imagined it melting off, melting away.

The night before he hadn’t made me face him. Look at him as he did it. But this time he was going to. I knew he was going to just by looking at his face. Watching him smile at me as I felt his finger breech that tight ring of muscle making me hiss slightly.  
“Just relax honey. I just need you to relax and it’ll feel good, I promise. I know I enjoy our private time together where I love you. Don’t you baby?” he asked me.

No. I didn’t want it. How could he not see that I didn’t want it? I remember thinking that as I squeezed the bars of my new bedframe so hard I felt them digging into my palms as I clung to them. Just trying to remember to breathe.

“I can see why Lionel enjoys this you know? That pretty face frozen into that perplexed little expression. You want my cock. There’s no way to deny it. I see it written all over your face,” he told me as he added a second finger my mouth opening in a silent howl as he forced it causing a slight burn to shoot up my spine.

“Just let it happen. It doesn’t have to hurt. You know just as well as I do it doesn’t have to hurt if you just relax. We had a lot of fun last night. We can make it fun tonight too. I can make you feel so good, honey. You want me to make you feel good? Show you real love?” he asked me as he started to fuck his fingers in and out of me.

I didn’t like how it felt but, I could tell that my body did. Some of the heat dispersing from my face and moving downward into other parts of me. Parts that Da would find more entertaining as he started moving his fingers in a slow circle inside of my body hitting up against that spot that made my eyes feel like they wanted to roll and made my whole-body tickle like I had to pee. I responded without thinking about it. Rounding my lips to exhale like Cole or Pat had taught me how to do when I was experiencing extreme anxiety Da laughing when he looked at me and saw that. Saw me breathing like that.

“New way to play the quiet game? We don’t have to be quiet your mum isn’t home,” he told me before he leaned forward taking my left nipple between his front teeth and biting down lightly.

“AH!” escaped as my back arched into his touch, towards him as I squeezed my eyes shut just hoping he would stop. That he wouldn’t make me go any farther. That maybe he’d be nice because it was the Friday before school started but knowing that he probably wouldn’t. That he’d make me do it. That he was going to…I gasped loudly as his tongue poked out circling my nipple before he sucked on it and then let the suction go with a light pop as the air escaped his mouth before his tongue found its way to the center of my chest licking downward.

I could hear myself panting. I knew I was panting, trying to catch my breath and yet I couldn’t stop it from happening. I couldn’t stop my chest from heaving no matter how hard I squeezed the bars I was holding into my palms as I tried to focus on something else. Something that wasn’t…wasn’t Da and what he was doing. What he was making me do. Something that could maybe be normal.

“You like it,” he muttered into my belly button before sticking his tongue in that too.

It hurt. Knowing he could make my body feel that way without my permission hurt. It hurt me because I felt like if he could do that to me he must be doing the same thing to John. Which is why John never talked about it. Hated talking about things. Uncle Ben hurt, and he didn’t care. Lionel while he didn’t always hurt while he was raping me he hurt in other ways sometimes. The way he threw me onto the bed roughly, the way he pinned me down but this…this felt different. 

“That’s it, honey. Let me suck that beautiful fruit,” Da muttered before taking my member into his mouth my whole body turning to lead as he did it. My lungs becoming iron that wasn’t able to pass air.

I didn’t want it to happen. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on breathing, on making my chest move. Pulling the air into my body as I felt my chest tighten around me almost like I was being squeezed as I tried so hard to be good Da stopping and glancing at me for a second before he went to go back to what he was doing. His expression changing slightly as he looked back at me again, doing a double take.

“Will honey? Are you ok?” he asked me.

I didn’t feel ok. I felt like I had a boulder sitting on my chest, but I wasn’t sure how to express that without making him angry his eyes going wide as he sat up, “Honey, your lips are blue. Can you breathe?”

I shook my head. No, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like something was wrong and I didn’t want to be there or do that. Da sighing oddly calm as he helped me sit up so that my back was straight patting my shoulder gently.

“Ok, I want you to stay just like that and I’ll be right back ok?” He told me.

I nodded my head as I kept trying to breathe. I had no idea where he went but I could feel my chest rattling almost like it had with Lionel because all the air had really gotten trapped in my chest. Because my lungs weren’t able to move anymore. Da came back into my room and grabbed a pair of sweatpants for me.

“We’re going to the ER. Your Uncle is here, and Debbie is on call if they need anything. I think I know what’s wrong. Has this ever happened before?” he asked me.

I managed to nod my head my brain moving slowly my body still feeling like I wasn’t getting enough air. Something beeped in the distance before Da jogged off coming back holding a steaming sippy cup in his hand.

“It’s not going to taste very good, but Dr. Palmer told me you need to drink it. He thinks he knows what’s wrong but, he wants us to go to the ER just to make sure. It’ll be ok honey,” he told me rubbing my back as he handed the sippy cup to me just as I pulled my pants up, “I bet you’re scared huh?”

I was terrified. I was always terrified when I couldn’t breathe, and I was with them. The only thing that ever seemed to make it better was lying on my stomach and Lionel stopping whatever he had been doing as he rubbed my back. He always told me it was from a panic attack of some kind or over stimulation. But maybe it was something different? I had no idea I just knew I felt winded walking down the hallway trying to move Da sighing and picking me up carrying me bridal style to the lift and then holding me and carrying me to the car before he made me sit in the front seat.

“You need to try and sip that. It’s not going to taste very good but, you need to try ok?” he told me.

I felt like there were bricks lying on my chest keeping my lungs from expanding. My eyes starting to feel funny. Like it always did before I woke up and Lionel had flipped me over onto my belly. I was about to pass out. I knew I was about to pass out.  
“D…” I barely managed as I tried to breathe my wheezing and whistling sound getting louder as I tried to push air in and out of my lungs.

“Honey, honey sip,” he said tipping the sippy cup in my hands towards my lips making me swallow some of it.

It had a slightly bitter taste to it. It was dark and felt thicker than water but not anything like tea. My brain trying to process what it was as I must have pulled a slight face even though my brain started to feel sharper for some reason.

“It’s ok Honey it won’t hurt you. It’s the quickest thing I could find. I’m assuming it was Alice’s instant coffee. Just sip ok?” he said buckling my seat belt and jogging around to the driver’s side before taking off as fast as he could.

We drove mostly in silence me wondering where we were going my brain moving in and out of concentration like it wanted to escape my chest still feeling tight. Almost like someone was sitting on it. Da remind me to sip every couple of minutes asking me if I was feeling any better. I had just started feeling better as we approached the big concrete and metal building all the lights almost blinding me in the now darkness Da following the signs as quickly as he could to the Emergency entrance him pulling all the way up to the door and shouting before his feet even hit the pavement.

“I THINK MY SON IS HAVING AN ASTHMA ATTACK WE NEED HELP!”

Before I could even blink I was being forced onto a stretcher and hooked to oxygen and IV’s. None of it helping me feel better as until they stopped moving around so much cranking the oxygen meter as high as it would go a full mask covering my nose and mouth. Only then did the fog start to clear from my brain, did the pressure on my chest start to reduce.

Da must have been in another area because there was a nurse there smiling at me, “Will, right?” she asked me.

I nodded my head, “Can you tell me what happened? What were you doing when you felt like you couldn’t breathe?”

Ok. I didn’t know what to say to that. I couldn’t exactly tell her I had been getting a blow job. My whole face burning just from the thought of it. That I had been doing that when I had lost my ability to breathe even if I hadn’t been willing to participate in the act. My eyes stinging as I looked down at the tube connecting my face to the oxygen tank that was feeding me air, taking a hold of it.

“No, don’t play with that sweetie,” she told me making me let go of it, “Can you tell me what you were doing when you felt like you couldn’t breathe?” she asked again.

Now I really felt like I couldn’t breathe her eyes looking at me.

“Ok, calm. I need you to relax. You’re scaring yourself. We don’t need you scared. Your chest is starting to get tight again isn’t it?” she asked me to which I nodded my head.

“Ok, that’s anxiety. You apparently have asthma and anxiety can and will make it worse. So, you need to try and calm down. Is that a bad question to ask you? Can you tell me what it felt like when you started having trouble breathing instead?” She asked me.

“Like…” I barely managed, “Air…trapped.”

“Like the air got trapped in your chest?” she asked me, and I nodded my head, “Are you feeling sleepy honey? Things feeling a little fuzzy and slow?” she asked me.

They still were just not as badly as they had been. I just wanted to go to sleep her sighing as she looked at something sticking weird pads to my skin as she lifted up my shirt and felt my chest before she grabbed my hand with the IV in it and frowned, “Ok, I’ll be right back. I think your doctor is on his way but, I must talk to Dr. Ericson. He’s on call right now.”

I didn’t know what was going on only that I was scared, and I couldn’t breathe. Was this really what an asthma attack felt like? How come I’d never had one before? I knew they were serious. Serious as in they could kill you but, I imagined dying to be a feeling of something hurting and while my chest felt tight when it happened other than the pressure it was never painful really. Just tiring. Someone coming in holding something in their hand.

“Dad I have permission correct? According to what he told the nurse he’s about to go down and we don’t want him to stop breathing all together so we’re going to intubate,” the doctor said coming towards me with something weird and metal in his hand  
“Woah, it’s ok. Don’t…Can someone get me .5 Lorazepam? He’s jumpy,” The Dr. said setting whatever that thing was down as someone else another nurse came in holding a needle that expected her to stick me with but instead, she stuck into my IV it only taking maybe 2 minutes total before I could no longer keep my eyes open.

After that, I must have been unconscious for a while because the next thing I remember it was morning the sun coming into the room that I was in. I could feel the machine I was hooked to blowing oxygen into my lungs. My chest no longer feeling tight and heavy as I opened my eyes Da standing there talking to Dr. Palmer who noticed my movement first.

“Hey, looks like everything worked out ok. We’re going to keep you for a little bit longer though. You know what Asthma is?” he asked me.

I nodded my head knowing that I couldn’t speak with a tube down my throat.

“I figured you did. That’s what happened. You had an asthma attack where you almost stopped breathing. I bet you thought that tightness in your chest was probably just extreme anxiety but apparently it was your airway constricting itself,” Dr. Palmer said, “I’m going to take your tube out in just a minute, so we can speak however I want you to whisper. I don’t want you to strain your voice or throat because they are going to be sore. Depending on how today goes we’ll let you go home in the morning.”

I sighed and nodded my head. I just felt tired still. Less tired than I had in weeks it seemed but still tired enough if it weren’t for the anxiety I was feeling of my siblings being left home alone without any of us to look after them that I could just close my eyes and take another long nap.

“Ok now I need you to take a big deep breath and cough out,” Dr. Palmer told me grabbing a hold of the tube and starting to pull me coughing to force it upwards as he pulled it out in one swift motion and allowed me to get a drink of water before putting the full face oxygen mask over my nose and mouth again, “Has this happened before?”

“Yes,” I whispered.

“With your Da or…?” he trailed off probably because of the look on my face.

“Him,” I barely managed having to close my eyes and swallow as his face popped up in my brain. The way he always smiled at me when he did it. When he made me do those things.

“It’s ok Will. You’re safe. I know he’s a lot to deal with but he’s not here right now. Can you tell me what was happening?” he asked me.

I shook my head. I hated thinking about it. How I had been having sex at the time. How he had been making me have sex. Giving me a blow job or forcing his way into my body. I didn’t want to talk about it. How he had been doing those things to me.  
“Was he raping you when it happened?” he asked me.

I just nodded my head in response. There wasn’t anyone else in the room so there wasn’t any need to feel ashamed. It just felt like a loser. Because I couldn’t control even the basic function of breathing.

“What did he do when that happened? Did they call me?”

He hadn’t. I remembered him saying something that Vic told him it was from overstimulation. That rubbing my back would help and it had. I had hated the feeling of his hands on my skin, but it had helped me breathe. The whole thing making me feel beyond stupid that I hadn’t known it wasn’t from overstimulation but, that it was from asthma.

“Why are you blushing?” he asked me sitting down in the seat next to my bedside.

“I just…,” I shrugged my shoulders.

“I know what it’s like to be one of his boys. Remember?” he asked me.

I nodded my head. I didn’t want to talk about that. About him. I wasn’t supposed to anyway. It was an unwritten rule that I had heard from Cole a couple different times. You just didn’t talk about him. Not to anyone. And now it wasn’t just me who would pay if I did. James would too. Because he was going to be his next boy. Whether he was ready for it or not.

“I’ll talk to him about it. If your lips were blue like they were when you apparently came in last night and your fingertips were blue and cold. That’s not good. That means you’re having a very serious oxygenation problem. That means you need an inhaler. Your older brother has anxiety triggered asthma too did you know?”

I shook my head. I had no idea. I didn’t know why we were still talking about all of this when I just wanted to sleep. Wanted to rest the best I could. Because I knew I’d be going home tomorrow morning. That I’d probably be dealing with Da again. Sleeping with him. Having…

“Just stay calm,” Dr. Palmer said, “Can you tell me what you were thinking about?”

“Nothing,” I croaked out.

“I saw your heart rate jump on the monitor,” he told me.

“Da got us, John and I new beds,” I managed to mumble.

“Do you like them?” he asked me my face feeling hot, “Oh.” He said understanding.

“I…I feel sick. All the time. And I want my mum and I don…how do I do this? How do I keep doing this?” I whimpered.

“You use your inhaler and do things that make you not think about them. Hopefully, things by yourself because I know you’re friends with Co…”

“He won’t,” I said shaking my head, “He won’t any way I asked.”

“You asked?” Dr. Palmer said his eyes going wide, ‘No, no… you ca…”

“That’s what he said,” I admitted, “I don’t want…”

“That will get someone killed,” he told me just like Cole had said, “You don’t mess around on him. Lionel. You don’t. I told you that.”

“I know. What do you think that video was for?” I asked him.

“Right. Why do you think it was a good idea to ask Cole that then? I know a lot of boys do it but, you don’t do that when you’re Lionel’s boy. You don’t,” he warned me again.

“I …I can’t…I can’t…Dr. Pal…I can’t,” Was all I managed before I started sobbing.

I wanted to say I couldn’t stand being in my skin by myself. That I couldn’t stand having it just be them. That I needed someone I knew didn’t just see whatever it was they saw. That I was tired of being that. Of being a body, a hole to fuck, a dick to suck a shoulder to cry on, a waist to cling to. I was tired of all of it.

“Ok,” he told me nodding his head, “Ok. Can you tell me about the scar on your rib cage? That doesn’t look like something they would do. Not the way it’s such a neat line. Do you think he noticed?”

“He didn’t say anything, but he stared right at it,” I told him.

“You can’t do that again, ok?” he told me to which I just nodded my head a weird thought flashing through my brain. I belonged to someone else and he was with someone, but I wondered what it would be like to have him kiss me. He was older, stronger. He was…safe. Me having to shake my head to shake away the thought.

“Look this is going to seem weird and usually I’d suggest this to your mum but because she’s not around if you want me to after school on Tuesday I can take you down to the community center. There is a support group that I think you should attend. It’s for young men I’ll be in my own group but it’s for guys like us,” he told me.

“Like us?” I asked.

“Gay or bisexual men who have been victims of sexual abuse and assault. There are two groups and they go on at the same time. Flynn helps facilitate the group for 12 to 17-year old’s. The other group is 18+ which is where I’ll be. I know you’re not 12 yet but I think it might be helpful for you. Just to make some connections outside of that whole mess,” Dr. Palmer told me, “Would you be interested?”

“Wouldn’t he be jealous?” I asked him.

“If he found out? I’d say he’d be a little more than upset yes. But, the plan would be not to tell him,” Dr. Palmer said.

“How would we not tell him?” I asked thinking of what he would do to me if he caught me talking to other people especially at a group about sexual assault. Talking about the things Da made me do and him, not to mention other people. Or how Da seemed super excited that Leo not only had been asking about John but, about me as well. 

“I’d say that I’m taking you into the office for breathing treatments. Those last from 20 minutes to an hour. Your asthma is sudden adolescent onset. So, it’s believable that you would be going for treatment once a week for the next six months or so. I think it would help you Will. Help you maybe understand some things about yourself and abou…”

“What is there to understand? I’m a whore who doesn’t know any better who wants to be a whore. That’s all it is.” I mumbled feeling my face turn red as I said the words, as I admitted I was a whore.

“No! Will, no. You’re not a whore. You’re confused. You’re young and you’re confused. That doesn’t make you whore,” Dr. Palmer told me, “They’ll talk about that and making wiser choices. About your sexual encounters, safety, all of th…”

“I know what condoms are and I know how to use them unlike some of the people that are with me despite my opinions,” I told him.

“Wow, ok then,” he said holding his hands up, “You use condoms?”

“With my friend in Montana? Yes, I did,” I admitted.

“Well at least you were safe,” he told me.

“Unlike them,” I said.

“So, your Da and Uncle never…?” he trailed off.

I didn’t feel like talking about it. About the fact that they didn’t ever use condoms. The fact that I could feel their cum dripping out of me and down the back of my legs as I laid there when they were done. I didn’t want to have to think about it. How I was just their little toy. How they didn’t even care about me enough to use protection when they raped me.

“Your Uncle is supposed to use one,” he told me my face instantly feeling hot as he caught that. That truth that was going to make him so angry.

“Please, please don’…”

“It’s ok. You didn’t do anything wrong Will. I’m glad you told me. Did he tell you Lionel would be mad at you if he found out Ben didn’t use protection?” Dr. Palmer asked me.

How could I not believe him? He was mad at me for Beau, for mum running away with us. For …everything. And someone was going to get hurt. Someone was going to end up getting hurt because of me and I knew it. And it was probably going to be James and I couldn’t let that happen.

“If he did he said that because he knew he was going to get in trouble if you said anything. He’ll probably be sent far away to do other things for Lionel for a while. If you want me to say something about it. Do you want me to?” he asked me.

No. I shook my head vigorously. It was the only way I could make sure James stayed safe for as long as possible. That Lionel decided even earlier he didn’t want me anymore. Cole and Teddy had both already said I was older than he liked to begin with.  
That he probably felt like he was running out of time, so he was doing things differently. So, I had to be extra good.

“Can you tell me why?” Dr. Palmer asked me.

“What if he is mad at me?” I asked him, “He’s being different. With me. Cole said it and so did Teddy. He’s being different. He’ll take it out on him. He will,” I told him.

“On who?” Dr. Palmer asked me.

“James. You know he’s his next boy. You can’t tell me you don’t. And I hav…” I gulped not wanting to think about it anymore.

“I know,” he admitted, “I don’t think he would take it out on him though. And you’re right he’s doing things differently. Because he feels like he lost time with you. But I’m going to try and convince him to slow down ok? To keep you for longer. I know he’s already raped, James.”

“Well, you did treat him after the one time so yeah. I would hope you were aware,” I muttered.

“Something is really getting to you,” Dr. Palmer sighed, “You didn’t use to be this…”

“Cynical?” I asked him.

“I was going to say blunt,” he told me, “But yeah that one works too.”

“I think I was happy when we were gone,” I told him, “Even if everyone says my friend used me. I think I was happier. I remember things being almost better, almost normal.”

“Almost normal?” he asked me.

“Well we saw a therapist and there was a lot of talking about…those things. Da,” I said feeling like I was running out of steam. Like I was tired.

“Do you want to talk about those things?” he asked.

“Not always. It ma…I always feel gross. They look at me like…it makes me feel so gross,” I admitted squeezing my eyes closed.

“I remember that,” Dr. Palmer answered after a minute or two of silence, “I won’t tell him about your uncle if you think that’s what’s best.”

“I do,” I told him.

“Ok,” He told nodding his head, “Your oxygenation is up. That’s good. I’ll be giving you an inhaler and you’ll be doing those breathing treatments. I’m sure your Da will be stopping in later. You’re going to hate me for saying this but your Da did make a call to Lionel. And he will be here later this evening. I know. I’m sorry ok?”

I didn’t want to not when I still felt so dirty from Da. Not when I hadn’t showered, and I could still feel his mouth on me. I didn’t …

“I really am sorry. I thought it was better to tell you than to just let him show up without warning,” he told me.

“I know. I agree. Thanks,” I told him.

“Ok. You’ll be going home in the morning,” he told me.

“Thank you,” I said quietly.

With that, I somehow managed to turn over and fall to sleep for a while even though I was beyond scared. Knowing he would be there soon.


	56. Chapter 56

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will is woken up to find Lionel in his hospital room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1415 to 1423. **Warnings: Rape/non-con, forced oral, forced kissing, mental health issues, anxiety** I know I'm late in updating this week was horribly sick for a couple of days there, I'm better now though. Will eventually connect them back to John even though I think at this point there are more Will chapters while John is in the hospital then there are John chapters while he's in the hospital so that's interesting.

I woke up to the feeling of a hand on my face. I blinked awake to find it was him. I still felt tired as he looked at me. As I realized all I was wearing was a gown with a simple blanket over top of me. As I realized I might as well be naked.

“Oh, little one you’re all right. I heard you were ill so, I came. As you’re contract holder your health is important to me,” he said, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Tell him what? Vic said…

“No, don’t get upset. You did nothing wrong little one. I wish you had told me how serious your breathing problems were. I thought they were just anxiety and I was terribly mistaken,” he said grabbing my hands and kissing the back of each of them, “I wish you had told me. I really wish you had …no matter. As long as you are safe now.”

I didn’t feel very safe. I felt naked. His eyes flicking down to where the blankets were covering me. My eyes traveling down too before I glanced at the door and noticed that not only was it closed it was locked and my heart monitors were turned off.

“Do you want to play a game with me, little one?” he asked me.

No, no. I didn’t want to play a game. I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to…

“Why do you look like you just saw a ghost little one? Everything is ok. I just want to love you. I’m afraid they’ll mistake your excitement as an emergency, so I turned off the machines but I’m going to leave the breathing mask right beside you just in case ok?” he said pulling my blankets away and setting them on the chair beside the bed.

I had a feeling we had done this before. That it was going to be like the limo. The zoo. My brain telling me to scream. To do anything to make him not…to stop him from touching me but everything feeling frozen.

“P…please,” I barely managed to beg.

“Please what little one?” he asked me.

I thought about it, stopping myself. It didn’t matter what I wanted. I should just shut up and let him do it because that meant he wasn’t doing it to James. It meant he wasn’t raping James because he could only get it up once a day. So, if he raped me he…  
“Fuck me,” I barely mumbled hating myself as the words came out. Feeling my face heat up.

I didn’t want to. I really didn’t but the only thing I could think about was James. How it would be James or some other poor kid once he left. I could stop that. I could stop it from being someone else by letting it be me.

“Yeah?” he asked me getting excited as he undid the first two buttons on his dress shirt before deciding something different and pulling up my gown. I wasn’t wearing underwear. He kissed my belly button and stomach roughly, his mouth almost hurting as he did it.

His mouth skipping over my genitals and going down to my ankles at the foot of the bed.

“Can we play our game quietly, little one?” he asked me.

I nodded my head.

“Use your words,” he told me.

“Yes, Daddy L,” I barely managed to squeak.

“Good,” he told me, “What part of you should I nibble first? Your sweet little boy fruit? Or should I make sure that little pussy is nice and clean? Or should I start with your toes?” he asked me.

He wanted me to pick? I didn’t want to play that game. I didn’t want his mouth on my skin anymore.

“What’s wrong, little one?” he asked me quietly.

How did I put it into words? How small he made me feel? How worthless? How stupid. I sighed trying to get myself to relax.   
Not sure if he really expected me to answer. Not sure if my answer would be acceptable to begin with if I were honest.

“Your eyes are so wide, little one. So sweet,” he told me quietly, “Can I see you my little one? Show Daddy how beautiful you are?”

He wanted me naked. I didn’t want to be naked. I didn’t want to show him the rest of my body my hospital gown still pulled high exposing everything below my waist. I already felt dirty. Him just being there. Just looking at me.

“Let me see how beautiful you are so I can pick where to start ok, little one?” he asked me.

I had to do it. I knew I had to do it but, I didn’t want to. My hands shaking as I reached behind me for the ties holding my gown on, holding it closed.

He smiled at me, “Let me help, little one,” he said grabbing the sleeves and pulling all of the snaps coming apart at once, “Simply divine, little one.”

I couldn’t feel anything but my hands shaking as I wished I had something to cover myself as my chest started to tighten. As I felt like he was sitting right on my chest. He stared at me licking his lips slightly as he watched me, watched my face. My expression that I was struggling to make blank as I tried to convince myself it was better that it was me than someone else.

“Oh, ok you’re ok,” he said reaching over and grabbing the oxygen mask that was somewhere beside me holding it to my face, “You’re ok. You just need to relax. That’s all little one. Just relax.”

I took a couple of deep breaths my face feeling hot. Everything felt wrong all the time. I remember just wanting it to feel not wrong. To feel something else, for it not to be him. For it to be anyone else but one of them.

“I’ll be good,” I managed.

“You’re always good my little one. Always such a good boy. Besides that, one incident but, you learned from that. Are you afraid you don’t satisfy me?” he asked.

I didn’t want to satisfy him. Not for him. For James. For…

He grabbed my chin tilting my face upward to look at him, look into his eyes.

“You are very satisfying. You are changing though, your body, it’s changing. That’s normal and healthy and soon you’ll be ready for other partners. Other daddy’s. It’s nothing against you. You can still help me though,” he said moving back to the foot of the bed and grabbing my left foot. Massaging it.

He looked at me and smiled before he opened his mouth sucking on my big toe. I gasped jerking slightly feeling my face heat up as I realized what I had done. That I had pulled away.

He laughed. He actually laughed continuing to play with my foot using his hand, “It’s ok little one. I know it tickled. It’s ok to be slightly nervous. I like that you get nervous. It’s endearing.” 

He thought it was funny that I didn’t want him touching me? There wasn’t anything funny about it. I hated being his. I hated everything about being his. I knew I had to do it though. He kissed the top of my foot.

“Don’t worry, I’ll make you feel good. I promise,” he told me.

He kissed my ankle as I laid back. As I sighed heavily. I knew I didn’t have a choice. It was still hard to accept though. That I either had to do it or James would be. His mouth landing a couple inches above that his teeth sinking into my flesh slightly.

“Huahhh,” I wheezed trying to pull away in shock as his teeth pinched my skin.

“It’s ok,” he told me, “Calm, little one. Calm.”

Why did he hate me? I suddenly found myself desiring to know the answer. Why he hated me enough to…to do any of it. To treat me the way he did. To use me like he did. His tongue sliding over the spot he had pinched running his tongue over it like he had done in the limo on the way to the zoo.

“I like playing with you like this,” he told me, “Do you think you will be able to teach your brother how to play like this?”

I didn’t want to teach him how to play like that. I didn’t want to teach him how to be still and gasp like that. To let Lionel touch him like that. He was so much better than that than this. He deserved better.

“When we get home how about we show him how to play like this? I enjoy it and I know you do as well,” he muttered kissing up my leg skipping up a few feet of skin and kissing the outside of my upper thigh making my breath catch.

I felt like I was shaking. His teeth sinking into my hip, my mark before he ran his tongue over it grabbing me, embracing me. So, this was what we were doing. His tongue guiding his way from my hip around to the front of my body. Nibbling and then licking, kissing. My face flushing as I felt my own physical response him humming happily as he noticed it as well.

“Your fruit is almost mature,” he told me touching my penis, rubbing it gently, carefully, “Quiet, Shhh we don’t want anyone to think we’re doing anything unsavory. It is turning out to be a very beautiful piece of meat,” he said continuing to rub it.

I didn’t want to cum. I knew I was going to just from his hand if he kept rubbing it that way, my toes curling as he laughed into my belly button, “Do you need my mouth?” he asked me chest heaving as I tried to keep breathing, tried to stop my chest from tightening up with the rest of me his hands cupping my one leg and traveling up the back of my thigh as he looked up at me biting his lip, a smile on his face like he was enjoying himself.

Like he enjoyed the fact that I was struggling. That I didn’t want it. He didn’t even wait for my answer, my permission but wrapped his lips around me. My whole body becoming unbearably hot as my toes started to curl as I orgasmed. I laid there breathlessly, and he clung to my hips, resting his face against my pelvic bone kissing my hip gently every few minutes as my breathing slowed.

“Are you ok little one?” he asked me.

“Yes, Daddy L,” I answered.

“Are you sure? I feel like you held back,” he murmured kissing my hip again.

“What?” I asked him quietly.

I hadn’t held back. I had cum for him. That’s what he had wanted. That’s always what he wanted was for me to…my face turning red as I tried to figure out what I did wrong. Why he seemed…

“I didn’t mean physically. I meant emotionally little one. Usually, you seem less subdued. I’m glad to say you felt more relaxed than usual after we got into a nice rhythm but, what’s changed?” he asked me quietly.

“I don’t know Daddy,” I answered honestly.

“You played with my hair,” he told me.

Had I? me realizing I had. That I had touched the back of his head as he had used his mouth. My face going red. I hadn’t even thought about it. I had just been focusing on breathing. On making sure I kept breathing.

“It’s ok. I enjoyed it. No prompting needed it means you’re learning,” he said kissing my hip again before landing a kiss a few inches inward right above my shaft, “If we weren’t in the hospital I’d like to see what else you’ve learned.”

I didn’t want to know what else I had learned. What else they had brainwashed me into. Because that’s what it was. The fact that I hadn’t even noticed meant that I had been brainwashed. Brainwashed into being even a little receptive. Accepting of what he was forcing me to do. The idea scaring me. Making me wonder how I would ever be able to stay sane if they were already changing me and I hadn’t even realized it.

How I would able to protect him if I couldn’t even keep them from messing with my brain. I wanted to cut it off. To get rid of it. It wasn’t the first time I had felt that way about my body. That it needed to change because if I didn’t have a penis they couldn’t make it feel things. They couldn’t make my body…do that. 

It wasn’t that I wanted to be female I just didn’t want to be…what I was. I didn’t want to be anything. I didn’t want to have a gender or sex. Not if they were going to use it against me. Lionel smiling at me before he said up finally letting me go instead of holding me tightly by the waist. Him smiling at me.

“Give me a real love kiss little one. Then I must be on my way,” he told me, “I’ll come to see you tomorrow though and that sweet little peach. Maybe we’ll go do something fun together.” He told me.

I sighed sitting up before he grabbed me gently by the back of the neck sliding his tongue into my mouth. I didn’t resist. There was no point in resisting. Resisting would have any made him angry.

“I love you,” he told me quietly.

“I love you too Daddy L,” I mumbled as he got up and adjusted his clothes using a mirror on the back of the bathroom door.  
“How about we get you into the tub little one? Help you wind down and relax?” he asked me going into the bathroom and turning on the water, the shower for me before he lifted me from the bed naked. Kissing my shoulder as I leaned against him and he handled my IV bag that was still attached to my hand.

He set me down on a shower chair inside it. And then quietly left shutting the bathroom door behind him. I wanted to scream. To bleed my whole body begging me for it. Begging me to find anything, to do anything to make the feeling of him go away but instead all I was able to do was bite into my fist. Bite into my fist to try and muffle my screams as I punched myself in the thigh as hard as I could.

He hadn’t even given me a washcloth to wash with. To wash his spit off me just put me in the shower and left me to cry, to scream. My whole body shaking so hard I could barely keep my fist clenched as I started to calm down and focus on the rhythm, the sharp pain as my fist impacted the outside of my thigh before it faded to a dull throb.

I had finally managed to stop crying when the door suddenly bursts open causing me to jump and fall out of my chair. I didn’t even look to see who it was I just wanted to get away from them curling into the corner hoping they wouldn’t touch me. That they would go away. I needed them to just go away.

“OH! Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” I heard a female voice asked, “I was doing bed checks. How did … I’ll be right back.”

She left. I think she left the door open me hearing voices in the hallway. Trying to be quiet but loud enough I could hear.

“I don’t understand. I mean I’ve heard rumor’s, but I’ve only ever seen younger boys act like…”

“Just let me deal with it. Tell security to be discreet and follow him until he leaves the grounds. You said he was alone with him? Do you know for how long?”

“No, we’re supposed to tell the head nurse when he comes in but, he usually only comes the third Tuesday of every month I don’t…”

“Go tell her. She knows what she has to do,” I heard Dr. Palmer say.

“Will? Will are you in here?” he asked me.

“I…” I barely managed before I started crying.

“It’s ok kiddo. You’re ok,” he told me, “Does your chest feel tight?”

“I feel…stupid. I feel…”

“Ok, I’m going to go grab you a tow…”

“I need to wash. I need to…,” I told him.

“Kiddo, I would let you do that. I understand, I do but you’re shaking. I’m afraid you’re going to have an asthma attack. So, I wan…”

“NO, I need to…I have…”

“No, kiddo listen to me. You need to calm down,” he said the words stinging, “Can you tell me what happened? Did he force you?”

I nodded my head not able to say it. Not able to speak. My chest did feel really tight. Not as tight as it usually did before I realized there was something wrong but still tight enough it was probably something I should have been worried about but all I could think about was how I needed to scrub my skin off. How I was a slut and I needed to be clean so, I didn’t have to be a slut anymore.

“Are you having trouble speaking? Getting enough air to push the words out?” Dr. Palmer asked me causing me to nod my head, “Ok. That’s the start of an asthma attack and I need to get you back in bed and get you som…”

“No…No…. I…wash,” I said a small weird sound escaping, a wheezing sound.

“God, you’re shaking so bad. Hold on,” he said before leaving he came back a few minutes later turning off the water.

“NO NO NO!” I needed the water why didn’t he get that? That I needed to…I ….

“Ok, I’m going to give you something to calm you down first and then we’re going to get you into bed. How did you get in the shower?”

“Him,” I barely managed.

“Jesus that fucking…sorry,” he muttered, “He’s too smart for his own good. The moment the water touched your skin any evidence was gone. It’s frustrating. Trying to catch him, everything is frustrating.”

While he was talking he must have inserted the needle into my port and administered something because I started to feel calmer, sleepy even though my chest still felt tight.

“There we go. I’m not going to hurt you, ok? But I am going to move you back to your bed. After we get this under control then you can come back and wash ok?”

I felt too tired to argue about it anymore. Too tired to really fight with him as he picked me up and carried me to my bed before hooking my IV bag back up to its holder before he pulled vail and another needle out of his coat pocket.

“This is Zafirlukast. It’s an anti-inflammatory,” he told me, “Are you falling asleep?”

I felt like I was falling asleep. I’m not sure if I answered or not. Everything slowly fading as my chest started to loosen up. My body losing consciousness.


	57. Chapter 57

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will leaves the hospital and makes a decision that he can't accept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1423 to 1438. A lot of warnings here **Warnings: Rape/non-con, forced oral, forced brother/brother molestation, mental health issues, anxiety,** Sorry if you feel I'm running late with this post. I ran into an issue after I was sick and had to take my computer in for repairs. I got lucky and had it returned sooner than expected.

When I woke up again it was a couple hours later I was sure. The nurse or kitchen staff bringing in some food. Surprisingly it was a burger and fries. It wasn’t bad tasting and shortly after I had finished Dr. Palmer came back carrying fresh bathroom supplies as he smiled at me sheepishly.

“Are you feeling any better?” he asked me.

“A little,” I said, “So that’s what the…”

“That uncomfortable feeling in your chest means? Yes, that’s the beginning stages of an asthma attack. That and the wheezing rasping sound you make when you’re trying to catch your breath. All of those are signs that you’re getting ready to have an asthma attack. Not being able to catch your breath enough to speak in full sentences even if you try to calm yourself down. All signs. You’re going to have an inhaler when you leave. You’ll carry that with you wherever you go. I want that inhaler to be where ever you are,” he told me.

I nodded my head in understanding. So, my life was now tied to a tiny little inhaler that I needed to make sure I had with me at all times. Otherwise, I was risking not being able to breathe. I was risking passing out, dying because my lungs had shut themselves down and blocked off my air way.

“I know you want to shower probably a real one, so I got you some soap, shampoo, body wash, wash cloth. Don’t scrub too hard. I’m keeping you fo…”

“YOU CAN’T!” I said shaking my head, “he wants me tomorrow and James. If I’m not there he’ll hurt him. You can’t keep me here tomorrow I need to go home.”

“If you don’t have another panic attack I’ll let you go home early tomorrow afternoon, but I want you to rest and relax. If you have another asthma attack you will not be going home tomorrow. So, try and stay calm. I’ll be here for discharge to show you how to administer your inhaler to yourself. Then you’ll be discharged and free to go home. But if you have another Asthma attack that won’t be happening,” Dr. Palmer told me, “Are you sore anywhere? Do you need some ice?”

It took me a minute to remember he knew Lionel. That he had belonged to Lionel just like I did so he would know just like Cole to ask that the thought making me blush that he knew that I could possibly be sore or bruised. It felt weird to know he was thinking about…that part of me.

“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about Will. I know him. He tends to pay a lot of attention to certain areas in a certain way and it can be uncomfortable. I’m here to take care of your physical health. So, I can help you take care of your physical health and that is a part of your physical being,” Dr. Palmer told me.

“No, it’s fine. I just want to …shower,” I admitted.

“Ok well, I’ll leave these here. There’s a fresh gown in there too. Take your time ok?” he told me.

“Vic?” I asked him.

“Yeah kid?” he asked me.

“How old were you again?” I asked him.

Vic sighed heavily his nostrils flaring almost like he was annoyed with the question before he turned around and pulled the chair forward to my bed side.

“I’m sorry, I …,” I said.

“You’re not in trouble Will. I’m not upset I’m just surprised you asked. That you want to talk about this here. I am not mad at you though ok?” he explained, and I nodded my head, “I was six. My father, you haven’t met him, but his name is Leroy agreed to it. Lionel told him he thought I was charming when he saw my picture. My Dad was discussing when he could start teaching me and Lionel suggested as soon as possible. That night my dad did his fatherly duty as they like to say and then, obviously I was crying and upset. Lionel came in. I was his from that moment until he let me go when I was almost 12. Around your age,” he said quietly his eyes looking like they were shinning like he wanted to cry just thinking about it.

“I’m sorry,” I told him quietly.

“You didn’t do that. My own father did just like yours is doing to you,” he told me.

“Did he change you?” I asked him quietly afraid to hear his answer. Afraid to hear what he had to say about it. But I wanted to know if…

“I’m not sure I would say he changed me because I wasn’t really a person before that. I didn’t really have opinions. Any personality I had was just beginning to form really. I mean six is young. You know that, you’re surrounded by kids younger than that all the time. If I had been older though I’m very sure he would have. Changed me I mean. I was shy and quiet. I usually still am for the most part. Do you mean after while what he wanted from me, expected of me became second nature? Yes. Is that why you were so upset earlier?” he asked me.

I nodded my head. He said I had ran my hand through his hair as he had…I was sure it was probably true, but my brain had been…my…he scared me so much I just didn’t…

“Are you ok?” he asked me.

I nodded my head in response.

“You do that when you get upset. Go silent. Nod your head. You did what you had to. Ok?” he asked me.

“When did you get tired?” I asked him.

“Of him? I think I was tired of him the moment my dad told me that I was his and he shut that door in my face as I begged him, begged my Dad to save me from him. To not let him hurt me like my Dad had just hurt me,” Vic answered honestly, “You’ll always be tired of him. If you stay or don’t stay, you’ll always be tired of his face. I want to punch his jaw in every time I see him. It doesn’t help that he donated 5.3 million to the hospital a couple years ago. He built this wing you’re in right now. I must pretend I don’t know him or what he’s doing. Look the other way when he comes in to just check in on patients and their families and make sure they like the facilities he provided. Pretend I don’t know that if he really sees a kid he likes and wants to give extra attention to he’ll memorize their room number and come back when visiting hours are over and their parents are gone so he can…you know.

I must pretend that security follows him around for his protection instead of for the little boys who have cancer or are recovering from meningitis that he wants to show “real love” to. It disgusts me. He disgusts me and that’s why I want to get as many families out as I can.” Dr. Palmer told me.

“Then you understand why I have to go home tomorrow,” I told him.

“I understand why you feel you need to but, your health matters,” he told me.

“Not more than Jay. If I’m not there he’ll hurt him again and I can’t let that happen,” I told him, “If I’m there he’ll use me. I know he will,” I told him.

“For the rougher stuff, yes he will. He’ll want you but he’s going to start using James more often even when you’re there. He’s going to want you to do…”

“I know. Cole already told me, and I don’t want to, but I will if it means he’ll be nicer to him. Because it hurts him. It still hurts me and I’m…it hurts him,” I told him.

“I know it does. And you’re brave that you want to protect him from that but, it won’t always work. Lionel always does things his way. Don’t think you can win that game. While he’s transferring there will be things that he will make you do and watch that …”

“I already had to listen,” I told him, “I know it gets worse. Cole told me it gets worse. But at least I’ll be there. Even if he hates me for it.”

“I find it hard to imagine that kid ever hating you Will. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. How he clings to you. He’s closer to you than he is to your mum, to John. You’re his person. I imagine you could probably murder him and he’d still love you,” Vic told me.

“The moment they make me do that to him, I might as well be,” I told him my honest opinion.

“Well,” Vic said, “I wish I knew what to say to that but, I really don’t. So, I’m going to finish my rounds. Get some rest, wash and I’ll see you in the morning and we’ll see about sending you home, ok?” 

“Ok,” I said nodding my head.

With that, he gave me a small smile and got up and left the room. I helped myself into the bathroom and managed to get into the shower on my own this time. Just sitting in the chair and letting the water fall against my skin, my body before I scrubbed and then rinsed sitting down and waiting a while before I scrubbed and rinsed again. Not really because I was dirty but more because it was therapeutic to think that I had gotten rid of the skin he had touched for a while. The skin he had put his mouth on, his hands on.

The rest of the day went by slowly Da coming back and telling me some stuff that is hard to recall. Something about the new Nanny and how she was doing so well with everyone. And then visiting hours were over and he had a house to get back to, things to do so he gave me a kiss and left. 

The next morning, I was woken by a nurse checking my vitals. Asking me how I was feeling. I felt better. Like I had somehow managed to get enough sleep that I didn’t feel tired anymore. I felt like my chest was no longer tight, sore. I felt good. Other than the anxiety in the pit of my stomach I probably felt comfortable for the first time since we had left Montana. After that breakfast came and then Da and Dr. Palmer. Apparently, I was well enough to leave, to go home and on whatever special trip Lionel was planning. He was already there when we arrived home, his Limo parked in the driveway Sergei leaning against it smoking a cigarette.

“You’re going to do what you’re told. Set a good example for your brother, correct?” Da asked me.

“Yes, Da," I agreed nodding my head.  
I hoped we weren’t going to the zoo. I didn’t want James to experience that. To see me experience that, Lionel walking out of the house and talking to James even though Da and I couldn’t hear what was being said. James shaking slightly as he hugged himself, Lionel holding his hand out like he expected James to hold it, to take his hand.

He really didn’t want to be with him in any way shape or form. You could see it in how he purposefully lagged behind him. Da looked at me smiling while he parked before I undid my seat belt and opened the door. He smiled when he saw me.  
I wondered if he had told Da what had happened at the hospital. If he had told Da when he had come to visit me that he had…not that it would matter. Da would have probably told me I belonged to Lionel anyway, James running to me and jumping into my arms when he saw me hugging me tightly.

“He said he’s going to take me to a museum,” he told me quietly.

Was he? At least it wasn’t the zoo. Maybe that meant things wouldn’t be that bad. The Orlando science museum was only around 19 miles away compared to the 200 something miles that Miami zoo was from home. That meant there was less time. Less time for him to get us undressed. Less time for him to potentially do something to him. Or to hurt me in a front of him and make him watch or participate.

That was a good thing. The less time we spent alone with him in that car the better off we both were. Da talking to Lionel as I held onto my little brother. As I told him it was ok before Sergei threw his half-finished cigarette on the pavement of our driveway and opened the door for us to climb in. James sitting on my lap as we settled inside.

“I’m glad to see that you are feeling better than you were when I left you yesterday,” Lionel greeted me, “Do you feel well rested, little one?”

“Yes, Daddy L,” I answered trying to be on my best behavior.

Behaving meant there was less of a chance something would happen to James even if I couldn’t keep it from happening to me. I had a chance to keep James from the worst of whatever he was going to subject us to if I was good enough. If I behaved myself so, I was determined to do my best.

“Good. How are you feeling, my sweet little peach?” Lionel asked James who buried his head in my lap causing Lionel to frown.

“He just gets nervous Daddy L,” I tried to excuse him, “He’s shy.”

“He shouldn’t be shy anymore. We’ve played together. Haven’t we, little peach?” Lionel said, “I know how very special you are. You shouldn’t be afraid of me. Why don’t you come sit on Daddy’s lap?” Lionel asked him.

I was afraid James was going to scream at him but instead he blinked at me before he sighed heavily turning to look at Lionel a more quizzical expression on his face than anything before he spoke, “You’re not my Daddy.”

I thought Lionel would be angry but instead, he laughed. A hearty barking laugh that was intimidating. So maybe he had been angry but was trying to hide it, trying to be patient.

“I’m your special play daddy, little peach,” he answered him, “Do you know what play daddy’s do?” he asked.

I thought they were only play daddy’s if there were cameras around. I felt my heart jump slightly as I tried to keep my breathing even. I did have an inhaler in my pocket but, I didn’t want to pull it out with James hugging me tightly. I didn’t want him knowing I was sick. That they were making me sick.

“Play daddies teach you, real love. They give you special daddy milk that makes you grow big and strong. They help make you feel good and teach you things,” Lionel explained to him.

James’ little eyes went wide showing that he understood what Lionel was saying. That a play daddy was someone you…someone who had sex with you. He shifted uneasily on my lap his cheeks going red.

“What? Do you think William didn’t know that I had shared real love with you little peach?” he asked James.

James knew I was aware. He had been the one who had told me. Had told me that was something Lionel had done, that Lionel had raped him. Jay’s lip trembling like he was about to cry.

“There’s nothing wrong with sharing real love especially with your very special play daddy or his friends. And sharing real love with your real daddy is the most natural thing a boy or girl can ever do,” Lionel told him, “Isn’t that right, little one?”

“Yes, Daddy L,” I said in agreement nodding my head.

“Do you want to show him how natural it is?” he asked me.

What? No. He…it was a short car ride. Sure, traffic was a little heavy because it was close to noon which was the lunch rush but, it would only add maybe 10 minutes to our ride. Not long enough for…

“William, come here,” he said in that quiet voice he often used when he was demanding I do as I was told or something bad would happen. 

“It’s ok Bud,” I told James making him stand up as I slowly stood up my chest starting to feel tight around the lower part of my rib cage like the lower half of my lungs had suddenly quit working.

“Do you have your inhaler, little one?” he asked me to which I nodded my head.

“Why don’t you use it? Just to be sure,” he told me.

I nodded my head before I pulled my inhaler out of my pocket. I uncapped the mouthpiece like Dr. Palmer had shown me shaking my inhaler before I exhaled as deeply as I could and tried to create a seal with my mouth around the mouthpiece and slowly took a deep breath of the medicine in holding my breath my for 10 seconds before exhaling before waiting for 30 seconds and doing the process over again the tightness in my chest starting to loosen.

“Just relax. We won’t take forever,” he said rubbing at the very obvious bulge in his pants, “Why don’t you come and lay down next to me?”

So, he was going to rape me. In front of him. 

“It’s ok,” he tried to assure me, “We’re just showing him how special it is, ok?”

I didn’t feel special. But I tried to keep my face blank. Tried to keep myself calm as I nodded my head exhaling deeply making sure I took slow breaths.

He patted the bench beside him as he smiled at me expectantly, “Come on little one, it’s ok.”

I sat down my head closet to the armrest farthest away from him as he smiled grabbing my feet and pulling them up onto the bench as well before pulling my shoes off.

“Now little peach I want you to pay attention because this is something I really enjoy. Mostly because it makes my boys feel extremely satisfied and brings us closer together. You can’t create juice right now but, around the time you get to be your brother's age you will start producing a very thin almost watery liquid when you orgasm. It’s very sweet tasting and I enjoy …it’s a very special treat to share with your play daddies. And your brother is going to share that sweet tasty juice with me. Aren’t you, little one?” he asked turning his attention back to me.

What was I supposed to say? No? No, I didn’t want him doing that to me? That I didn’t want to …? I swallowed nodding my head.

“Use your words, special boy,” he prompted me.

“Sorry Daddy L, yes. Yes, I’m…,” I trailed off not sure what else to say as I felt him undo the button at the waist of my denim shorts Da had given me to wear home.

So, this was why Da had “forgotten” my underwear? Because he knew Lionel was going to do this? Make me do this.

“He seems slightly excited doesn’t he little peach?” Lionel asked him.

“I think…,” James started to say before he stopped looking at me.

“No, look at me. You won’t be in trouble for answering my question even if you think it will be an answer that displeases me, I promise. What do you think my little peach?” he asked him.

“I think he looks nervous,” James answered him honestly.

“Shift your hips up,” Lionel told me landing a kiss on my belly button before I did as I was told, “If he was nervous he wouldn’t be listening as well as he is. Isn’t that right little one?” he asked me to which I nodded my head.

I wasn’t sure if he was telling the truth or not to James. That his answer didn’t matter as long as he answered. Lionel pulled my shorts down and made an excited humming sound as he pulled down my shorts to find no underwear exposing me below the waist.

“You planned this out didn’t you my beautiful special boy?” he asked me running his hand through my hair as I tried to breathe, as my chest started feeling tight again, “Here, use it again. I know this is exciting but, I wish you wouldn’t get over excited about it.”

He handed me my inhaler and I administered to myself again. My chest loosening up again as I did so. So that’s what it was going to be like. An inhaler every 5 to 10 minutes the rest of my life every time one of them touched me. As if they weren’t horrible enough before now I needed to stay physically aware at all times or risk death. Risk leaving everyone alone with them. Now I couldn’t even mentally check out. 

“This will be fun,” he said leaning over top of me before he started kissing my neck, nibbling, “You watch closely.” He told James his voice low and calm. Meaning he meant it. That James really had to watch it happen.

I grabbed the edge of the leather padded bench with my one fist squeezing down as he nibbled into my neck, licking my earlobe, making my whole face heat up as James watched. And I knew he was watching. There wasn’t any way he was going to look away. Not when he used that voice. Lionel getting so excited about kissing me he pulled my shirt up over my head so that he could kiss down my chest licking and drooling and flicking his tongue all over my chest and nipples making my body heat up.

“Mine does that too,” I heard James comment quietly.

Yeah, he was watching. His comment bringing attention to my obvious erection.

“Yes, it does,” Lionel said cupping it with his hand, his voice sounding amused, “You touched this last time the three of us played together remember?”

“It was dark,” James told him.

“Yes, does it seem different than you expected. Being able to physically view it instead of just feeling it with your hand?” he asked him.

“It looks kind of…I don’t know red I guess?” he said quietly his voice almost fading as the sentence ended like he was embarrassed to say it out loud.

“It just means he’s really enjoying what’s happening,” Lionel answered him moving his hand and lazily stimulating me.

“But you weren’t even touching it before now,” James pointed out to him.

“Well, there are parts of a person’s body where if you touch them a certain way you can feel it everywhere. The nipples are one of those places."

“Does mine turn red like that?” James asked him.

“Yes, it does. Not as red but it does flush. Why don’t you feel how hot it is to the touch?” Lionel said to him.

“I don’t think I want to,” James said.

At this point I couldn’t see his face because my shirt was above my head but I’m sure James had said no because he knew it wasn’t something I would be comfortable with and it was something that mum and Julie had made sure he understood was something normal families didn’t do despite what Da had told him.

“It won’t hurt him,” Lionel encouraged him, “It’ll feel really good to him. I promise. Come here little peach.”

Ok, so he was going to make him…

“Don’t shake your head at me, James, come here. Now,” Lionel said in warning, “Why don’t you open that cubby? No, the other one. There you go. Now, little peach please bring that tube over here. Now open your hands and hold them out…”  
I heard the sound of a tube squirting, “Good job little peach now I want you to help me rub your brother's delicious fruit with it.”

“What if he doesn’t want me to?” James asked his voice unsteady, uncertain of whether that was the right thing to say or not.

“If he doesn’t want you to he gets to experience some unpleasant side effects when I milk his fruit for that divine juice he has,” Lionel answered him.

I wanted to tell Lionel no. To tell him to do it his damn self and leave James out of it but, I was so afraid he would hurt him if I did so I chose to remain silent. To close my eyes as I heard them talking. James barely louder than a whisper.

“So, I just rub it on my hands and then on…,” he trailed off.

“That’s right, my peach,” he told James as I stayed as still as possible jumping slightly when I felt Jay’s hands on my penis not because it felt good but because the lube was cold, “How does it feel?”

“Weird,” James answered quietly.

I was sure he was beet red. I was beet red. It was my body he was touching. That Lionel was forcing James to touch his hands gliding along my shaft twice before he pulled away. Lionel didn’t say anything to him which surprised me. 

Usually, Lionel always had something to say. I think that’s why he liked it when we spoke because it gave him an excuse to keep speaking. As if he needed one. His mouth going to my tip and shaft. His hands playing with me.

It took everything in me to breathe. To make sure I kept breathing the silence scaring me. Causing me to wonder what James was seeing. If he was actually watching what Lionel was doing to me or if he had looked away the moment Lionel could no longer see what was happening. I didn’t want to come but I figured it would just be easier if I let it happen. If I let my body give him what he wanted.

I remember him humming happily as he pulled away after he had me finish in his mouth. I remember how disgusting I felt but I remember being thankful at the same time. Thankful he hadn’t really raped me. Thankful that it had been a short assault. Thankful that the ride was only 20 minutes from home because that meant that he would be hard pressed to find enough time to rape me on the way home.

I barely remember the museum. James had fun though. I’m sure of it. Any six-year-old would.

On the way home, I remember being nervous. Mostly because I wasn’t sure what Lionel would do. Teddy and Cole said he followed a pattern with them that he wasn’t following with me. With us. It made me wonder if he was going to make …the thought making me almost throw up as we walked up to the limo door that Sergei was holding open. Hoping that it wouldn’t be what he was planning. That he wouldn’t make me do that. 

“Little one, why don’t you help?’ I heard his voice stirring me from my inner thoughts. From being lost within myself.

“Wha…” I started to ask before I blinked taking in what was happening in front of me.

James was pinned under him stone still and silent his body pale from his face to the waistband of his pants that he was still thankfully wearing. I wasn’t even sure James was breathing. I knew I nearly stopped seeing that. Seeing someone do that to him, use him like that.

“Why don’t you show your brother some of the amazing talents you have?” Lionel prompted me.

I felt sick. I wasn’t sure what he wanted. I hadn’t been paying enough attention to tell what he wanted. I had been completely zoned out and lost in my head because of the anxiety I was feeling. I wasn’t even sure how long we’d be in the car.

I had no idea what to do. Was he telling me to touch James like he had made James touch me? Was he telling me to do more? To do worse? I wasn’t sure what he wanted. What if he knew? What if he had only asked me to make sure I was paying attention and I hadn’t been? What would he do to James? Wha…

“I’m not sure I understand Daddy L,” I answered trying to think of the only thing that might save my little brother from being hurt.

“Why don’t you help him the way he helped you earlier?” Lionel prompted me, communicating what was expected of me.

He wanted me to rub James. To rub him there. It wasn’t like I hadn’t seen James naked before. I’d been taking showers and baths with him since he had been brought home. I had seen him naked millions of times. But I had never touched him there. That was something that I wasn’t comfortable with doing.

“I…I don’…”

“Do it,” Lionel said holding a tube out for me to take.

It looked like a tube of toothpaste almost. Cherry flavor written on the front of the red packaging. He wanted me to…? I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to him. I couldn’t put lube on him like that, so Lionel could lick it off. Not when it was one of the things he hated most. Never.

“I can’t,” I barely managed to mutter afraid of what his reaction would be as the words slipped out of my mouth.

“What?” I heard him ask a hint of disbelief tainting his reply.

“I…I can’t Daddy L, I’m sorry,” I barely managed to spit out again.

“You can’t? You think you can’t?” Lionel asked before letting out an angry barking laugh and almost standing as best he could inside the limo yanking James’ shorts off and his underwear in one motion.

“You still think you can’t?’ he asked looking at me as he grabbed James’ ankles nearly ripping his legs apart where his thighs were tightly pressed together using all the strength he had even though he had been still, been silent.

Was he really…?

He sat up fumbling to pull himself out of the fly of his pants lining himself up with James’ hole as James kept his eyes closed tightly, his chest heaving in anxiety. Almost like he was trying to go to another place. Trying to be somewhere else, anywhere else.

“If you can’t you want to know what happens? No lube at all. You know how badly that will hurt? I mean, it will feel great for me but for him…not…so…”

“AHHHHH!!! PLEASE PLEASE!!! PLEASE DADDY L PLEASE DO…,” James screamed as Lionel started to push in. Started to rape him.

“OK!” I responded, “OK! OK! I …. don’t. Please stop. I’ll do it. I’ll do whatever you want me to,” I spit out wanting to cry with him. Wanting to cry with James as he started sobbing heavily.

“Good,” he said pulling back and stuffing his penis back into his pants like it was no big deal. Like he hadn’t just threatened me with it, James with it, “You know what to do then.”

He was right, I did. I remember how sticky it felt. Rubbing it on my hands as I tried to tell myself it was better. That what I was doing was better than watching Lionel rape him like that. Rape him violently and painfully. That just touching him a little bit like Lionel had made him touch me like Lionel had made that little boy touch me wasn’t a huge deal.

That as long as he was ok with it, I was ok with it because he had to know I was doing it to protect him. That I was protecting him the only way I knew how to.

“Good,” Lionel said, “Now just rub over it nice and slow…”

It felt weird. Wrong. His penis too small to do anything with other than kind of run my hand over the top of it, other than to palm at the tip. I held my breath not being able to exhale until he pushed my hands away taking James into his mouth.

“I…,” James managed causing me to open my eyes and look at him squirming, trying to breathe through it. Trying to stay calm as Lionel grabbed James’ hand and placed it on the back of his head like he always did with mine. Like he wanted James to run his fingers through his hair.

James made a squeaking sound his chest rising two or three times with hardly an exhale present. I nodded my head in solidarity. Letting him know I understood. That he wasn’t ok with what was happening. Even though I had …part of it had been me. Letting him know I was sorry. Sorry for touching him like that and that he deserved better. James looking at me. Looking at me like he wanted to scream, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t find the air to scream.

He wanted to beg Lionel to stop but already he knew better. Knew better than to tell Lionel anything because if he did or said the wrong thing someone would pay. His eyes going wide his he made a rasping sound in the back of his throat, as his body started to give over to Lionel who bobbed his head faster more excitedly making a moaning sound as I watched James’ whole body lock up. All his muscles go rigid. The muscles in his calves pulsating with cramps as his eyes rolled as he started to shudder nearly clamping his legs shut on Lionel’s neck, Lionel catching James’ thighs at the very last second putting his hands between James’ inner thighs that were about to crush Lionel’s windpipe and his neck.

It looked almost like he was having a seizure. James the way his whole body quaked as he toes curled and his eyelids fluttered over the whites of his eyes as they rolled. His whole body heaving with the effort to breathe before Lionel finally stopped what he was doing, James making a tiny whimpering sound as he started coming to, as his body stilled as we turned down our street.

His whole body started shaking, shivering almost like he was cold as he tried to put his hand over his mouth, tried to use his hand to silence the sobs that wanted to escape, and he couldn’t. His hand shaking too badly to make contact with his face.  
“It’s ok, my sweet little peach. Thank you for sharing that delicious little treat with me,” Lionel said as the gate to our driveway swung open, “Do you want to help him collect himself?”

I nodded my head. I would rather it was me. Me helping him put his clothing back on. Me that helped him out of the car and to a place where he felt safe. To anyplace where Lionel wasn’t. Lionel barely waiting long enough for me to help him pull his undies back on before he had Sergei help us out of the car and left us both standing there. Him in his boxers with his shorts around his ankles and me holding his shoes in my hands.

He managed to hold in his screaming until the car was more than halfway down the driveway. His little sobs earth shattering. I don’t think he had ever…not like that. His whole body still shaking as he screamed, as he cried. 

I grabbed him for fear he would fall over holding him close to my chest running my hand through his hair, “I’m right here. I’m sorry. I’m sorry bud, I’m right here.” I muttered into the crown of his head as he cried.

I really was sorry. But he would have done it. He would have raped him just to teach me a lesson. I think he knew that deep down too, but he was just too scared, too lost to do anything but sob and scream. To cry in my arms as I hugged him. 

I don’t know how she knew but, Alice came scurrying out the kitchen doors and scooped him up.

“It’s ok sugar, I’m right here. Alice is right here,” she said ignoring the fact that he was in his undies and ugly crying. Ignoring that he was clinging to me as she picked him up and took him away from me, “Come on Will, sugar. Let’s get him cleaned up.”  
I don’t know if it was because I was in shock or if it was something else but, I numbly nodded my head. It was hard to believe someone like Alice had ever worked for someone like him. Like Lionel. How she knew clearly who he was, what he did and yet could do nothing to stop him from hurting us, from hurting James.

James must have whimpered something in her ear because she hushed him carrying him into the house, “I know sugar. It’s ok now though. You’re safe. He’s not going to be coming into the house. He’s gone.”

I don’t know what he told her but she didn’t hand him back to me until we were both in the house upstairs her giving me a small smile, “Why don’t you go help him bathe and then when you’re done I’ll come to give you your supper?” she asked me to which I nodded my head.

James didn’t speak to me at all until we were safely in the tub him grabbing my arms and pulling them around him, around his little shoulders that were still shaking. Neither one of us spoke for a while. He was the one that finally broke the silence though.  
“He…put his mouth there,” he barely said.

I wasn’t sure what to say to that. I knew he had and he had because of me. Because I had allowed it to happen. Because I had touched my bother like that. My little brother.

“He did,” I answered.

“He was going to put it in my butt again. But you stopped him. You made him stop,” he whispered to me pulling my arms tighter around him.

“I…,” I bit my tongue not able to say the words. To admit what I had done. That I had touched him. Molested him.

“I’m sorry,” I finally managed, “I …”

“You made sure he hurt less,” James told me, “I know it means you love me. Not in a bad way. I love you too, Willy.”

“I love you so much, Jay. I do and I’m sorry that I…,” I said feeling like I was about to start crying. Like I was going to sob.

“You kept me safe. He didn’t hurt me. It felt funny but, you did it so, I wouldn’t be hurt. So, he wouldn’t stick it in my butt. So, it’s ok,” he told me, “It didn’t hurt me.”

If only he could understand. Understand how bad it was. How I had…

“you’re not bad Willy,” he told me pulling me even closer to him, “You kept me safe.”

I wanted to believe it. I did but it was like what I had…how my body had done that to that baby. That baby that didn’t understand. That had no idea what I had done to him. What I had let myself do to him. I was twisted and evil. I had helped Lionel rape my little brother. Not just one time but now several times.

I wasn’t protecting him at all. I was failing him. I wasn’t enough for Lionel anymore. I remember thinking that. Thinking it as the weekend started fading away. As our uniforms were picked up and hung in our closets. As the first day of school finally came.


	58. Chapter 58

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will goes to his first day of school encountering his friends after a summer away and finding out what his new school routine will be including mentoring hour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1438 to 1471. I actually had to cut this chapter in half otherwise it was going to be A LOT longer. So there's that, **Warnings: Anxiety, mental health issues, talk of sexual abuse, talk about cult abuse,** There is some German in here so again the translation is (here) and it's not an exact translation, it never is but it gives you an idea of what was said and I how I would write it if it was in English.
> 
> John is still in the hospital. He starts school a week later than everyone else because he's in the hospital.

John still wasn’t home. Alice was the one to wake me up and I wondered what it would be like. Starting school again. School at St. Matt’s with the brotherhood watching our every move. With John and Mum still gone. How homework would look. How Debbie and Alice were going to handle helping everyone with their homework, parent-teacher conferences. All of those things.

When I was dressed I was surprised to find that Mike, Matt, and James were already dressed and at the table eating a morning meal of cottage cheese and strawberries as well as raspberries. Something that Debbie had probably put together. Alice would have called that morning an occasion and made something like Waffles. Even at that point their styles of taking care of us becoming very apparent.

I sighed sitting down but didn’t feel like eating. I think it was nerves. The only two people I had seen or talked to since returning that belonged to our group of friends being Teddy and Quinn at that point. Sure, I had seen Wallace but, Wallace wasn’t my friend. My brain becoming rattled for a minute as I thought about that. How he was going to be my “mentor” what that might mean. The idea making me want to cower. To climb back into my bed and disappear.

“Are you excited for school Willy?” Jay asked me as I sat there numbly trying to find the courage to go deep inside of me somewhere. Hoping that not everyone would be able to see what I had done. What a pervert I actually was.

“He’s scared,” Matty said causing me to turn my head in his direction.

“That’s silly,” James told him, “Why would he be scared of going to school?”

“I don’t know,” Matty said shrugging his shoulders, “Maybe because he’s the leader’s favorite boy. For now.”

“What do you know about the leader?” Mike asked him surprising me, “What do you know about anything Matty? Why do you have to be so mean? Why don’t you just…shut up?”

“You’re telling me to shut up? What afraid I’m going to hurt his feelings? He’s just a cu…”

“Excuse you?” Debbie said appearing from down the hallway holding Catty’s hand, “You don’t use language like that or I’ll tell your father and he would be less than thrilled. You know it too. So, if you can’t be nice don’t say anything at all.”  
Matt went back to pouting after that. I really just didn’t feel like I wanted to go to school. Like I was ready to go to school. I mean it made sense that my brothers knew. Especially the way Uncle Ben and Da talked about things without mum there. But that made me wonder. Who else knew. Who else knew that I was his boy, soon to be former boy. 

Last year when it had just been a rumor and people had treated me horribly. How would they treat me now if it had been confirmed? Would I still be harem boy? Would it be even worse than before? Especially now that Wallace was going to be my mentor. Wallace who was…

I sighed checking the clock it was time for me to go. Time for me to catch the bus.

“Debbie are you go…”

“I have it. You worry about making your own bus ok, Will? Have a good first day,” she told me.

I nodded my head and gave Mike and James and hug as well as Catty. I hadn’t spent a lot of time with Debbie yet. But Debbie wasn’t there to watch me. More to help Alice and I make sure everyone else was taken care of. Make things easier for me. So that I supposedly didn’t have to worry about them being in trouble while I was at school. So that Da could know things were ok while he was at work. All because mum wasn’t around and John.

I wasn’t sure it helped my anxiety any especially at first. I mean, my Da was the one who had hired them, and they had made it clear they were being paid a lot of money to sometimes turn a blind eye to certain things.

When the bus pulled up I recognized several faces as I climbed on. All their eyes going wide as they saw me. None of them were my friends but, some of them were Brotherhood. One being Danny. Danny Freeman. The guy who had started “harem boy” the year before. 

“You’re back?” he asked surprising me.

“Wh..wha…”

“Did he break you? Can’t even talk without stuttering huh? You really are a harem boy. Probably fucked the confidence right out of you,” he nearly spat at me.

I sighed walking past him and sitting down quietly. So, that was what everyone thought. That I was gone or knew that I had been gone and now I was back. That I was back with them. They probably thought I was an even bigger loser than before. The fact that I had escaped and now I was back. Awesome. My day already sucked, and it had just started.

Before I got off the bus I could see Teddy and Finn arguing as Todd stood nearby shaking his head at them.

“Guys seriously I don’t think…DUDE!” Todd said, “So hey.”

“Hi,” I said quietly nodding my head.

“So, like you’re back?” Finn asked me, “For real?”

I nodded my head. I hadn’t said bye to any of them. We had just left. The moment mum thought we had a chance we had left in the middle of the night. I hadn’t told anyone I was leaving. I had just gone. The only one to know had been Pat and Cole. Even though I was sure Teddy had told everyone I was back when he had encountered me at my house. I had given him permission to after all.

“Where did you go?” Todd asked me, “I mean you just weren’t here and then…”

“We escaped. For a little while anyway,” I told him.

“I told you not to mention it,” Ted said quietly.

“It’s ok,” I told him, “Did you just tell them I was back?”

He gave me a look telling me without words that yes, he had just told them I was back. Back from that magical world where I had disappeared to back from that place of freedom. Or imagined freedom. Back from almost having a normal life.

“I forgot to,” Teddy admitted.

“Wait you knew he was back? And you didn’t tell us? When did you get back?” Finn asked me.

“Your brother didn’t tell you?” I asked him.

Finn frowned at me, “Why would my br…” Finn’s eyes went wide, “Are you fucking ok?”

“Finn he still belongs to someone that we all know. Do you think he’s ok?” Teddy scolded him.

“No, listen if he’s been anywhere near Wallace it’s bad news. He’s getting way worse, ok? Like a lot worse. I don’t know why he didn’t tell me he’d seen you other than he didn’t want me to know.” Finn told me.

“You really think Wallace is still going to be a problem for him?” Todd asked looking at Finn.

“Well,” Finn sighed heavily, “My dad has been trying to convince him to practice more. So…would Wallace still be a problem for him? I’d say if my dad has anything to do with it, yes.”

“Well, shit,” Todd muttered, “Speaking of seniors does anyone know who their mentors are?”

“I fucking forgot about that,” Teddy said raising his eyebrows at all of us, “At least if they are smart they won’t touch any of us.”

“Come on, how many guys in the brotherhood have you ever known to be smart? Especially trackers,” Todd pointed out.

“Where is Quinn?” I finally dared to ask.

“Home,” Finn answered, “There’s a lot going on there. I’ll fill you in over lunch.” 

Just then the bell rang. First hour was math. It wasn’t until third period before lunch that we learned more about the mentor program and how that worked. The teacher was Father Bellington. I hadn’t heard a lot about him. He seemed like a nice guy and told us to sit where ever we liked before he turned and wrote one word on the blackboard.

Mentorship

“Now class. Before I take attendance in the library I want to explain what this class is about, what is expected of you as gentlemen and how this class is supposed to benefit you. This class is about forming good study habits and getting you ready to enter the upper school at the end of next year. As most of you know 8th grade is split between the middle and lower schools here at St. Matthews. 

The seniors in the outgoing class are each paired with a seventh grader to help them work on small things like healthy study habits, proper APA writing standard when putting together papers and presentations. As well as to teach you about the behavior that will and won’t be accepted in the upper school. This means how you conduct yourself in the hallway in-between classes as well as how you act in class and at lunch. Use them to help you. That’s what they are there for and you are paired with them to help them learn reasonability and what it means to be held accountable for another’s actions. That means if you get in trouble not only are you held accountable this year but your mentor as well. So, it would be wise to be mindful of your behavior. We’ll meet in the library on Monday’s, Wednesday’s and Friday’s. Any projects you have to work on or papers you are expected to use your mentor as a resource as well as the extra work hours. There will be plenty of time for socializing as well, however, use your time wisely. Now let’s go meet up with Father Van Zinger’s class and he’ll let you know who your mentor is. Single file please,” Father Bellington said loudly over the scraping of chairs.

Finn quietly found me in line looking closely at me, “What?” I whispered to him.

“We’re paired with Father Van Zinger’s class. Wallace is in that class,” Finn told me.

“So, what am I supposed to do about it?” I asked him.

“I’ve heard sometimes they let you pick your mentee so stay away from him. He talked about how he wondered where you were on and off all summer until about three weeks ago. Is that when he found out you were back?”

“That was when I did come back,” I answered Finn making sure I kept my voice down.

It had only been three weeks. It felt like it had been so much longer. Between the first couple of days and that weekend where Lionel had come by with Teddy to the week I had spent at the Villa. It felt like it had been longer but, it really hadn’t. All of it making me wonder how long it took the trackers to get a hold of releases. Video releases because if it was easy for them to get to those then…

I felt my chest tighten. It took me a minute to remember I had my inhaler with me but I pulled it out of my pocket and used it. Finn frowning at me as he pulled me aside for a minute, made me stand still his hand up making sure no one ran into me.

“You have an inhaler?” He asked me quietly.

He looked worried. Less annoyed or confused and more worried as I pulled it out and administered the medication to myself before I waited a minute to see if I needed another dose letting myself exhale slowly as I nodded my head.

“Since when?” Finn asked me.

“Since …last Tuesday when I left the hospital. I had an asthma attack with my da. He couldn’t get me to breathe right so he took me to the ER. They made me stay overnight and gave me an inhaler to use,” I told him.

“Just out of nowhere? You developed Asthma out of nowhere?” Finn asked me.

“No, it’s happened before I just…I didn’t realize that’s what it was. I just thou…”

“Gentlemen,” I heard a voice behind me, “No dawdling. It’s time to get to the library.”

It was Father Bellington telling us to hurry up. Making sure no one fell behind Finn sighing and nodding his head before we both hurried forward. The library was huge. Two stories high with what looked like a small studying area on the bottom floor a class of older students gathered there along with the rest of our classmates. Everyone waiting for us quietly.

“I see we have some boys that might be troublemakers,” the other Father who I assumed was father Van Zinger said, “Come up front and sit.”

Finn and I both went up front and sat down quickly and quietly the father smiling at us, “Now this year things are going a little differently. I’m assigning mentors to our younger pupils. Secondly, I want this to be mostly independent study. I want you to depend solely on each other. Gentlemen don’t think you can’t learn from your mentee’s just because they are younger. You’d be surprised the things you will learn when you open yourselves up to the idea that it doesn’t matter what age someone is they always have something to teach you.

I know that not everyone will get along with the person they are paired with however I want you to all give it your best shot. If you can give me a valid reason after three months, say extreme bullying which I don’t want to hear about from anyone gentlemen, do you understand?” he stopped asking the Seniors.

“Yes sir,” was heard in a quiet mumbled reply.

“That would be a reason to reassign a pair. However, I don’t want to hear about that. If some conflict does occur the first step will be peer resolution and we’ll take it from there. So, we’ll do attendance and then afterward I will be assigning pairs.” 

With that, he called off the names of all the seniors several of which were Brotherhood that I had not been acquainted with. Finn muttering something quietly to me as they were called off before he got to our grade. There were only 7 brotherhood members in our class in our grade at the time, Brad, Kevin, Finn, Todd, Julian and myself everyone else having a different class for that hour. I remember feeling thankful until I remembered what I had been told. That Wallace was supposed to be my mentor. His name had been called during roll, so it wasn’t like I didn’t know he was there. My brain blanking out until I heard it the announcement.

“McGregor, Huber. The older one, you’ll be mentor and mentee, the next two are…” My brain feeling foggy before I felt something I wasn’t expecting Finn taking my hand and squeezing it tightly. Almost like he was afraid for me.

“Now that everyone paired off feel free to wander and explore the library, get to know your partner and have a good time discussing your first day of class.”

Finn sighed standing up as I stayed where I was not sure I wanted to move. Pretty sure I wanted to stay where I was and in plain sight because I was afraid my brain trying to pull me back to the bathroom at the hotel back to what he had…when he… He sat down in the chair next to me that Finn had left. I didn’t want to look at him. Just him being close making me nervous let alone making eye contact with him.

“Hi Will,” he said quietly to which I nodded my head in reply, “Don’t be nervous. We talked about all of that, remember? I’m with you because he trusts me. I know my place. Have you ever been on this side of the doors before?”

We had passed the double doors that led to the upper school area. I had passed them but, it had been on a tour with my Da. I hadn’t gone into the library though and I did really want to see what it looked like but, I wasn’t…I didn’t trust him. Lionel might have but, that didn’t mean I did. Not after what had happened before. Not ever. Not the way he looked at me or made me feel.

“Come on, I’ll show you around. I’ll keep my hands to myself,” he said dropping his voice low enough only I could hear him.

I figured I could sit there nervously and freak out until we were both yelled at or do whatever it was we were supposed to be doing or I could stand up nod my head and go with him. So, I stood up him motioning for me to follow.

“Ok, so down here you have some stacks mostly the fiction section. Mystery, science fiction, those types of books. They do have a reading corner which is an exit that you will probably take out of the food court, so you don’t have to walk through and disturb other classes. You just hmm, would go through there instead. If you want to go upstairs I can show you the non-fiction and reference area. Also known as the stacks.”

I knew what the stacks where. I might have gone to an all-boys boarding school, but the stacks were where you went if you wanted to get in trouble. Where you went if you managed to sneak a dirty magazine onto campus or something else you weren’t supposed to have. Sometimes there was a rumor that older boys who did unsavory things with each other went to stacks as well. My face felt warm as I thought about it.

“That’s not why I’m showing you. I promise,” Wal said smiling at me, almost laughing at the expression on my face, “Calm down. You’re fine, ok?”

I didn’t feel fine. Not the way he was laughing at me. I wanted to cry but I could only imagine how everyone would laugh at me if I did. How I wouldn’t just be known as harem boy but, also a crybaby. 

I sighed a nodded my head again following him up some stairs and around a corner, “This…,” he said, “Is the computer area obviously. I mean it’s…for research for papers and stuff. If you go past that to…” he reached for my hand causing me to jump and back away.

“Wow, ok then,” Wallace said, “Look I’m really not going to hurt you. Are you pretty? Very much so baby boy. But I’m not going to risk getting expelled when you cause a scene and from what I remember you’re good at those. Very good. So why don’t you just take a breath and follow me.”

I follow him. Making sure I kept my distance. I didn’t trust him at all. He continued talking as I followed behind him. As he turned around to look at me. 

“Are you listening to me?” he asked me.

“What? Sorry,” I answered shaking my head.

“You really are a shy one, aren’t you? I think that’s the first thing you’ve said to me today. I was telling you from row 3-B to 3-D at the very back are what we consider the stacks. I mean nothing exciting goes on back there usually we go back there to get away from the fathers. I mean there are probably a couple of guys who use it for more than that but, there aren’t many of them. And it is a Catholic school so…there’s that too. Usually, people kind of hang out back there and listen to music and stuff. There is a bathroom back there too. So, we don’t have to walk all the way down the hallway and out into the main T or down closer to the science labs.” He explained to me.

“How have you been since…the premiere?” he asked me suddenly.

“Ok,” I barely managed.

Honestly, I hadn’t been ok at all. Between Mum and John being gone along with Da and Lionel I felt like my life was crashing down around me. Like Wallace was one more thing Lionel was using to torture me, it wasn’t bad enough that he had used my body to do those things to other people. Made me touch my little brother. He had to…

“Hey,” some guy said coming up behind me causing me to turn around and see Finn standing there, “Wallace who is…”

“Don’t even think it. He’s taken by someone,” Wallace said quietly.

“You? Please, no one would give a piece like that to you,” the guy said.

“Shut up,” Finn muttered, “Before you both get in trouble. You know what Father Bellington will say if he hears you talking like that at school?”

“No one cares. This is our turf. Father Bellington can go suck a dick. I’m sure the leader would give him one if he asked for it,” The guy said.

“Caleb, really?” Wallace said quietly, “Just kind of don’t. He’s right I hate to admit my little brother is right about anything but, he’s right. Auch wenn es nur deshalb ist, weil er ein Rotz ist.” (Even if it’s only because he is a snot.) 

“Zumindest will ich nicht jeden Schwanz lutschen, den ich sehe,” (at least I don’t want to suck every cock I see.) Finn shot back.

“Ouch, that sounded like a burn Wal,” Caleb said suppressing a laugh.

“He thinks he’s so clever,” Wallace said shrugging his shoulders, “So anything interesting happen?”

“Almost every one of us got a very attractive piece of meat. Because let’s face it, your brother is hot. The only one that isn’t happy with the arraignment seems to be Alec.”

“Yeah well Alec likes his fish,” Wallace said as I felt my face turning red.

I’d head the slang term before and I knew what it meant. It didn’t take a genius to figure it out. Anyone over the age of 10 could tell you that it was slang for vagina. I was honestly surprised so many of the trackers seemed to be gay when it had been made very clear to me by several people that the Brotherhood didn’t just pimp out boys but, girls as well.

It made me wonder. If it was…,” Are you…?” I trailed off losing my courage halfway through the question.

“Am I what?” Caleb asked me smiling as I felt my face heat up, “Oh, do I consider myself a sinner in that department you mean? No, I have an appreciation for certain things though. I’m matched. So, what if I want to fool around a little bit before I tie the knot? Big deal. There are guys that do feel a need for both their fruits and vegetables.”

Oh. I remember thinking that even though I don’t think the word made it out of my mouth. I understood that being gay was different from what they did but was it really that different if this guy and Wallace were like they were? The whole thing beyond confusing.

“Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, sweetheart. There are a million different steps between sausage hound and muff diver,” Caleb said.

“C-Dan don’t scare my kid,” Wallace said.

“He’s not yours,” Finn snorted rolling his eyes.

“You want to go see the last bit we haven’t seen yet?” Wallace asked me his friend giving me a big sadistic grin.

“No, he doesn’t,” Finn answered for me.

“Don’t be a party pooper,” Caleb or C-Dan said to Finn smiling.

“Exactly, it’s a bathroom. Somewhere unless he has to use it he doesn’t need to be going,” Finn said shooting me a nervous glance.

So, he trusted these clowns just about as much as I did. I was going to take that as a warning that the bathroom wasn’t someplace I needed to be going. Just because of the way C-Dan was smiling at Wallace like he’d just won the lotto.  
“Hey, why don’t you two stay here for a minute or two?” Wallace said before walking away with C-Dan.

“Ok,” Finn said nodding his head, “Fuck.” He muttered under his breath after they were out of earshot.

“What…,” I started to ask.

“You stay where people can see you when you’re with him. He’ll go around talking all the time about how your off limits but the moment he gets you alone he’s going to say or do something. So, don’t be alone with him ever ok?” Finn warned me.

“I know,” I said nodding my head thinking about the bathroom. How he hadn’t raped me but how he had…

“You ok?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I nodded my head lying.

I didn’t want to think about it. How that was going to happen again no matter what I did or worse. How Lionel would be mad at me if it did because I would be cheating. At least according to him, I would be cheating. How Wallace would find a way to turn it around, so it was my fault if it ever got out. I was sure of it. So, Finn was right, the last thing I ever needed was to be alone someplace with Wallace.

“You don’t seem ok,” he told me.

“I’m…” I sighed heavily.

“You’re quieter. I didn’t even know that was possible,” Finn told me as I shrugged my shoulders.

What was there to say. I was Lionel’s boy. I had a babysitter. At least three times a week for 2 hours I had someone checking up on me. Making sure I didn’t do anything I wasn’t supposed to unless it was Wallace forcing me to. I had molested my little brother and another little boy and, I was a disgusting fuck just like they were. What was there to say about it?

“I don’t think you’re ok,” Finn bluntly stated.

“I’m fine,” I lied again.

“Will, look. I’ll try and get him to back off, ok? Maybe C-Dan will be nice if I just…,” Finn trailed off.

“No,” I shook my head.

He wasn’t doing that for me. I wouldn’t allow it. Using his body like they were teaching us to. Using the only resource, he felt he had to gain favors. I knew that’s what he was talking about. Just like how John did the same thing. I wasn’t worth that. I wasn’t worth putting his respect on the line to protect me.

“They won’t do anything serious at school and risk getting caught. It’d just be some groping probably over the clothes unless he got brave. He wants it. You know he does,” Finn said his cheeks flushing pink as he thought about it, “It would make it, so you were never alone with him.”

“I thought you hated being around him and having him around your friends,” I muttered quietly.

“Better than having him around my friends with no one else there. Vader and other people might think he keeps himself in line but…,” Finn barely whispered the next part, “he doesn’t.”

I frowned. That was one of the first times Finn admitted that to me. That it wasn’t just his dad forcing him to do things or his Uncle. That Wallace was a real problem for him too. It made me wonder if maybe he said how Wallace wasn’t a problem for him just because everyone else was there. Made me wonder what Wallace was like at home.

“I thought you beat him up?” I asked Finn quietly.

“I do when I can,” Finn answered, “Mostly it’s just a couple good hits. If he doesn’t…,” Finn sighed heavily, “Can we not talk about this anymore?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head in agreement.

“Can I ask, what was it like? Without all the…” he gestured to the world around us with his hand.

“Different,” I answered with the first word that came to mind, “It was harder in some ways but easier in others. We didn’t have to worry about Da hurting anyone. Or my Uncle or anyone else. But Mum was gone a lot. She worked a lot. John and I took care of everyone. John was actually happy though. I would go out in the early mornings after mum got back from work and just hang out by the lake and stuff. I made a friend.”

“Really?” Finn asked seeming intrigued.

“I’m not going to really talk about it because I don’t see it going well,” I told him.

“I’m not going to tell anyone,” Finn assured me, “I had heard a rumor that you were back and that something happened while you were gone. Did you get very close to that friend?”

My face flushed beet red, “Does everyone know?”

“I don’t think so,” Finn tried to assure me, “I mean the Leader talks to my dad and for some reason he likes Wallace. I personally think my brother is a giant ass but, to each their own.”

“Well if he was one of us wouldn’t most of them view him as a massive ass?” I asked causing Finn to smile and put his hand over his mouth.

“Yeah,” Finn nodded his head in agreement, “Seriously though. I don’t know why. You can’t ask me but they all talk. Usually, they go out to dinner somewhere and just like talk. I’m supposed to go but if I …it doesn’t matter what I do never mind that. But if I play my cards right vater doesn’t always make me go.”

“Why do you call him Vater?” I asked frowning at him.

I didn’t speak a lot of German. I still don’t but, at the time I knew even less. I hadn’t put two and two together at that point even though I had seen Star Wars.

“Vater or Vati?” Finn asked me frowning, “It’s father or dad. He likes us to speak German at home. So …I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it. Unless I’m saying, my Dad, like for whatever reason I just call him Vater or Vati. That depends on what I’m doing too. What about your Dad?”

“I just call him Da,” I answered, “My mom is Irish I think John always called him Da since we were wee so I just…call him Da. How often do you speak German at home?”

“Most of the time believe it or not. That back and forth earlier. That’s what we do at home pretty much. Just all German. Do you want to know what I said to him that made him give me that annoyed look? Since you apparently don’t speak German.”

“I don’t, no. I speak French and English. Some Gaelic but no German,” I admitted.

“Well, to sum it up he called me a snot for telling them off for talking about that type of stuff at school and so I told Wallace that I at least I wasn’t some slut who wanted to suck every cock I saw,” Finn shrugged his shoulders at the look at on my face.

“You actually said that?” I asked him shocked.

“Ja,” Finn shrugged his shoulders in response, “Don’t worry about it.”

“So…” Wallace said as he put his hand on my shoulder making me jump which caused him to smile at me as I turned around, “You have good reflexes. Anyway, so I want to talk to you about something, ok?”

“You can talk to him here,” Finn said.

“Relax Muschi. I’m talking to him about studying habits,” Wal muttered. (pussy)

“Gewohnheiten studieren, mein Arsch,” Finn said shaking his head. (Studying habits my ass.) 

“Nein, sein,” Wallace said as Finn’s jaw nearly hit the floor. (No, his.)

“You better be fu…”

“I am. You think I’m stupid? Relax,” Wallace said.

“Come with me,” C-Dan said, “I want to show you something cool on the computer.”

Finn rolled his eyes before he shot me a look of concern but followed C-Dan over to the computer area leaving me standing there with Wal. The idea was if we were in the library we had to be with our mentor at all times. I didn’t really understand the reason and I hadn’t been notified of that rule yet but, I figured I would stay with Wallace or risk getting into trouble even though I didn’t feel like being alone with him.

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” Wallace told me after we took a couple of steps, “You know that, right?”

I felt like that was exactly what he was trying to do. That he was trying to scare me. Trying to get me somewhere alone where he could just…I didn’t even want to think about it. As I nodded my head quietly.

“You were more talkative last time I saw you,” he commented.

He made me nervous. He expected me to talk to him? To manage a conversation with him. Last time I had managed that he had told me he wasn’t going to hurt me and then…I shivered him grabbing my shirt sleeve and pulling me into an aisle of books. No one was around. It was quiet and almost felt like it could be a place where I could breathe if it weren’t for the fact that he was there.

“Why are you so afraid of me? I’m not going to hurt you, Will. I don’t want to hurt you,” Wallace told me shaking his head at me as he let go of my shirt sleeve.

“I…,” I didn’t know what to say. How to finish talking to him.

He said he didn’t want to hurt me but, so did my Da. So, did…I exhaled deeply trying to find a way to explain it. To explain why I didn’t want to speak to him, to be near him.

“I really won’t hurt you. I know at the movie I got carried away and I’m sorry but I just…,” his hand fluttered near my face as he licked his lips, “You’re…stunning and I…I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m sorry.”

Of course, he would say he was sorry. I didn’t think he was though. The only thing he was sorry about was that he hadn’t had permission to do more. I could very easily tell anyone that if I closed my eyes and remembered the expression on his face that I could see reflexed in the mirror as he bounced my body between the counter and his own. The way his hands felt on my elbows as he used them to pin me to the counter next to the sink. The way he had…how hard he had been as he was grinding against me. How hard he had felt even with the layers of fabric between us.

Did I accept that he was sorry? Did I believe him? Or, did I believe Finn? I knew what choice to make. I knew what he was and, I wasn’t ever going to let him touch me again if I had a choice in the matter.

“Fine. Don’t ever touch me again though,” I told him.

“Ok,” Wallace told me nodding his head, “Not without permission.”

“No,” I said shaking my head as I folded my arms in front of me, “Don’t ever touch me again. Never.”

“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “Not what I was hoping to hear but I won’t ever touch you again.”

“You swear?” I asked him.

“Yes. If that’s what it takes to get you to forgive me then yeah,” he answered his face serious.

“Ok,” I agreed nodding my head.

“Can we sit down? Talk?” he asked me.

“I know how to study,” I told him quietly as he walked over to the corner and sat down his back up against a shelf of books.

“I figured you do. The leader says you’re clever. And if you’re an English speaker and you speak more than one language it makes you must be smart,” Wallace told me.

 

I sighed and sat down leaving a good three or four feet in-between us, “You’re an English speaker too.”

“Maybe,” He agree nodding his head, “But Vati betrachtet uns als Deutsche. Also zuhause sprechen wir Deutsch” (Dad considers us Germans so at home, we speak German).

“I don’t speak German,” I reminded him.

“I said that Dad doesn’t think of us as English speakers and at home we don’t really use it. Emily speaks mostly in German but that’s because she hasn’t really started school yet. She’s grown up around us speaking German at home so…that’s what she speaks,” Wallace told me.

“Well, did you learn English first?” I asked him as he gave me a small smile in response.

“I did, yes,” He answered.

“Then I’m no cleverer than you,” I answered him.

“The smartest people will deny how smart they are,” he told me.

“And fools will always think they are the smartest person in a room,” I said.

“Touché,” he said smiling at me, “You’re very attractive and smart.”

Hearing him say that made my stomach hurt. Lionel constantly called me stunning. Like I was some painting to stare at. Like I was…the whole thing making me feel sick. That he was sitting there with me complimenting me, it felt almost like he was boasting, trying to build me up so he could sell me or win me over. The idea making my heart race, making it impossible to stay still.

“Excuse me,” I said standing up.

“Where are you going?” he asked me.

“Restroom,” I said quietly over my shoulder before I walked off and over to the part of the stacks that were closer to the computer area and going into that restroom. Shutting the door behind me.

It was the nicest restroom the school probably had. One-bathroom stall and three urinals with a large pedestal sink. The walls a blue tile that contrasted with the black tiled floor. It seems so nice a small sofa or chair would not have been out of place.  
I just needed a minute to breathe. To remind myself that there was nothing he could do at school. Nothing he was allowed to do. Finn’s warning ringing in my ears as I turned around to leave, to go back out as the bathroom door opened. My heart nearly stopping as his face appeared. His body blocking the only exit.

“Are you ok? Did I say something?” he asked me.

I shook my head, “I just needed to pee,” I mumbled.

“Are you sure?” he asked me, “I’d hate to think I said something to upset you.”

“Yeah,” I insisted, “I’m done why don’t we…?”

“You didn’t wash your hands,” he said suddenly.

“Wha…?”

“You didn’t wash your hands. Most people think it’s polite to do so. It’s actually safer for your health too,” he pointed out to me.

“Oh, right,” I said going back over to the sink and bending forward the hair on the back of my neck standing up as I looked away, my body telling me he was standing too close. That something was wrong. That this whole thing was a bad idea and I should run and run now.

“You know why this bathroom is so nice?” he asked me, his voice very close to my ear.

“No,” I said loudly hoping it would scare him away, that he would keep his word. That he wouldn’t touch me. He wasn’t supposed to touch me.

“Calm,” he told me backing up a few paces, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I don’t want you to be afraid of me ok?”

“Then don’t do that,” I told him, “Last time you …”

“I know and I’m sorry. We’re at school though. You belong to him. We’d both be in a world of trouble if he found out. So, if I can…” he sighed, “You’re really beautiful. Maybe if I’m nice you’ll trust me again? Who knows maybe you’ll even like me. One day ask me too…I mean I know you’re gay. All of his boys are.”

“Is that what you meant when you told me he only picked boys who…?” I swallowed thinking about how he had said that. How he had said Lionel only picked boys who wanted it. Boys like me who…

“It was a bad way to phrase it,” he said nodding his head.

“I won’t ever…,” I shook my head.

“Ok,” he said as I turned off the water and dried my hands, “You don’t seem ok though.”

“I’m just tired. It’s the first day of school and I’m…I …,” I tried to explain myself.

I wasn’t supposed to be back. There were people there who didn’t like me. Who easily knew I was his. Who called me Harem boy and who would know that I was…that I was a loser. A loser for coming back. 

“Don’t worry about it ok? If you have any problems with anyone just come tell me. I’m your mentor that’s a part of what I’m here for. To help you with social things. And you’re awkward. Don’t take that the wrong way but…”

“I wouldn’t be if it weren’t for him,” I said.

“No, you still would be,” he told me, “You’d be trying to hide who you are. Just like you are right now. You’d be trying to pretend you’re something you aren’t to fit in. How do you think they would treat you if the Brotherhood wasn’t involved here? You’d be an outcast. You’d be getting your head shoved into toilets. You don’t hide it well.”

“I don’t hide the fact that I’m gay well?” I asked him to which he smiled and nodded his head, “And you do?”

“I’m not gay sweetheart,” he told me.

“Don’t call me sweetheart,” I told him, “If you’re not gay wh…”

“Fathers for child love has more than one branch. You think every single one of them is gay? Having sex with a boy for a lot of them is better than having sex with a woman but that doesn’t mean they don’t do both. There are plenty of things between gay and straight and being a boy lover doesn’t automatically mean you’re gay,” Wal told me.

“So, you’re saying you’re not gay?” I asked him.

“Honestly, I probably am but, so what? I haven’t nailed a vagina yet, not that I have the desire to, but I prefer to keep myself open to the option of doing so and labeling myself gay makes it less likely for that to happen. I refuse to count out the fact that I haven’t met the right woman,” Wallace told me.

So, he probably was gay but didn’t want to admit it. Me wondering how or what he considered gay. If he had ever been attracted to guys his own age or if…? No, I refused to…I shook my head.

Wal snorted with laughter, “What you think that’s not true? That I am gay or I’m not? Which one is it?”

“I don’t think it matters what I think,” I said.

His response confused me. He frowned at me and shook his head, “Are you kidding me? All that matters is what you think. That’s the one thing that does matter.”

I felt my face flush. That wasn’t true. If it had been true Lionel wouldn’t treat me the way he did. I knew that. He wouldn’t have made me do the things he had forced me to do to James, to that little boy if my opinion mattered. If I mattered at all. None of that was true.

“You’re impor…”

“I’M NOT!” I said before turning and heading for the door him grabbing me by my arm.

“You are...calm…”

“You said you…you said…” I felt my whole body shaking, vibrating.

He had already lied. He was touching me. He said he wouldn’t do that and he was touching me.

“You need to cal…”

“DON’T TELL ME TO BE FUCKING CALM! I DON’T FUCKING MATTER AND YOU KNOW I DON’T. DON’T FUCKING LIE IF I …” I trailed off not being able to bring myself to say it. To admit what I had done. That I had done that…with a 2-year-old.

“Is there a problem? Gentlemen,” one of the fathers asked as he opened the bathroom door.

“No father,” Wallace quickly answered, “I think he’s just having a bad day.”

“Ok, here’s the deal. I know what some young men use this bathroom for and I look the other way but if he is not only underage but unwilling I will...”

“It’s not that father,” Wallace tried to assure him, “he’s really just having a bad day.”

“Then unhand him,” Father Bellington said, “Come here, my son. It’s ok, come…”

I swallowed and nodded my head as he gestured at me. As I whipped at my eyes. I didn’t want everyone to see how close to crying and I had come and sure enough, there was a group of people standing around outside the bathroom door that parted to let us through Finn coming towards me his eyes wide.

“Will are…?”

“Not right now Mr. Huber,” Father Bellington said, “Give us some space gentlemen if you will. Follow me, my child. We’re going to go have a chat.”

He walked with me, I could feel his hand hovering behind my back, but he didn’t touch me. He didn’t put his hand on me just walked with me his hand out behind me like he was guarding me as we walked over past the computer area and into a small a room with a table and two chairs.

“Sit please,” he told me pulling out a chair for me and then backing away as I took the seat, “Now can you tell me what was going on? Did the older Mr. Huber harm you?”

I shook my head. He’d touched me but, he hadn’t harmed me. He hadn’t tried to rub up on me again but, he had sworn he wouldn’t ever touch me again and then he had. When I tried to leave he had grabbed my arm.

“Why did you shout than?” he asked me.

“I…I don’t know,” I said causing father Bellington to sigh heavily.

“Look,” he told me, “There are things that go on that I have knowledge of however those things are supposed to stay off school grounds. If he had inappropriate contact with you, you should tell me.”

“He…he didn’t,” I admitted.

“Then there was no excuse for screaming like that or having a fit like you’re in nursery school. Next outbursts like that of any kind will be met with a trip to Headmaster Watson’s office. Have I made myself clear Mr. McGregor?” he added looking at me.

“Yes, Father. I’m sorry,” I told him.

“Good, you are to cooperate and listen to him. He is here to help you after all,” Father Bellington told me.

I nodded my head. So, I was just supposed to listen to him and do what he wanted me to? But…what about...? What if he wanted me to…I felt sick to my stomach thinking about it. He’d promised he wouldn’t touch me and then he had. He had. It didn’t matter what I said he wouldn’t be nice. He’d pretend he was nice like just Lionel did and then he’d do whatever he wanted.

“Run along then,” he told me as I nodded my head walking away, Finn and Todd both standing somewhat near the door as a couple of guys stood close by and watched them. Wallace standing with them.

“So, we all got trackers?” Todd asked me quietly as I nodded my head.

“C-Dan has known Wallace for a long time. Yeah, he’s a tracker,” Finn replied nodding his head.

“What about the other guy?” I asked.

“Rich? Yeah, he’s …he hangs out with Wallace sometimes. They were friends when they were kids but, I don’t know about now. I’ve heard things about Rich but it’s hard to tell what’s rumor sometimes and what’s not,” Finn said.

“Does that mean I’m in trouble?” Todd asked almost like he was somewhere between bored and tired.

“Hmm…I’ve heard that he’s into girls but…I could be wrong. I don’t know sometimes you hear things and then they turn out to be totally not true. Like how someone heard Danny signed a contract with some Russian for over the summer. It was a total lie. He was home all summer. My Vati took me over there a couple of times and he was totally there,” Finn said.

“Are you ok Will?” Todd asked looking at me.

I nodded my head. I figured if I was somewhere other people could see us I would be fine. I figured Wallace was probably stupid, he seemed pretty stupid but that he wasn’t that stupid. I found it hard to believe anyone could be that stupid. 

“You don’t seem ok,” Todd told me, “You seem…I don’t know different.”

“We went a whole summer without seeing each other. You think I’m going to be the same?” I asked him.

“Well…no?” he questioned me, “It’s just like…I don’t know man.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Finn said, “I didn’t know what to do back…”

“It’s fine,” I told him, “He didn’t do anything. It’s fine.”

“Are you sure he di…”

“I said it’s fine Finn,” I snapped, “Sorry…I just…”

“It’s ok. No big deal,” Finn assured me, “You’re just stressed. We don’t have to make a big deal about it.”

“Thanks,” I said finally feeling myself relax a little bit, calm down a little bit. I knew we still had about 45 minutes left of class with them but, I felt like I was being an asshole. I just didn’t want Wallace to touch me. I didn’t want to be alone with him at all. Not again. It was bad enough he had followed me into the bathroom and…and told me I was attractive. Reaffirmed everything Lionel always told me.

“It’s weird,” Todd muttered looking in their direction as they looked at us from where they were standing, “Them, together. They seem happy.”

“I’m sure they are,” Finn murmured in agreement.

I could agree with that. They did seem rather happy about everything that was going on. Even after Father Bellington had called me away Wallace was still smiling. Like he had won the lotto or something. Like this was the best thing he could ever hope for, a dream come true the other two sharing the same look.

“Why don’t we go check out the computers?” Finn asked me.

I sighed heavily. I didn’t want to be on the computer. The last time I had been on a computer was before we had escaped. I didn’t want to be near it because it just because it felt like every time I looked at the screen it had been them talking about me. Da or Lionel talking about me and what they were going to do with me. The things that Lionel…

It made me hate computers for a while. Hate the fact that I was good with them. I wasn’t sure how much Finn or Todd knew about my computer skills though so, I just shrugged my shoulders and followed them over to the computers where most of the class seemed to be gathered. 

We were starting to get into playing this game, chips challenge something making the hair on the back of my neck stand up before I heard Finn say something in German.

“Ich würde das nicht tun. Er wird sich aufregen,” (I wouldn’t do that. He’ll just get upset.)

“It was a joke,” I heard Wall say.

“Please don’t, I’m sure you’ve bothered him more than enough for one day,” Finn said as I felt a hand on my shoulder Finn giving me an apologetic smile as I looked at him my eyes going wider than I meant for them too.

“I didn’t do…”

“I don’t care. Halte deine Hände von ihm fern. Es ist mir egal, wie sehr du seinen Schwanz lutschen willst, was der Anführer sagt, du bleibst von ihm weg. Ich will mir keine Sorgen machen, dass er irgendeinen Zusammenbruch hat, weil du ihn jedes Mal ficken willst, wenn du seinen Duft riechst.” (Keep your hands away from him. I do not care how much you want to suck his cock, what the leader says, you stay away from him. I do not want to worry about having him any kind of breakdown because you want to fuck him every time you smell his scent,) Finn said rather angrily to Wallace.

“Dude?” Todd said raising an eyebrow at Finn, “Did you just like summon Hitler to curse his ancestors or something?”

“He’s my brother. And that doesn’t even make any sense. No, I told him to go away,” Finn said.

“That didn’t sound like go away to me,” Todd muttered.

“It wasn’t,” Wallace said, “Er gehört jetzt dem Führer, aber er wird nicht bald. Wem denkst du, dass der Anführer ihn geben wird? Warum denkst du, dass ich sein Mentor bin? Ich werde sehr gut auf ihn aufpassen. Warte nur, er wird mich bitten, seinen Schwanz zu lutschen.” (He belongs to the leader now, but he will not soon. Who do you think the leader will give him to? Why do you think that I am his mentor? I will take care of him very well. Just wait, he'll ask me to suck his cock.)

Wallace slapped Finn hard on the back knocking him into the desk in front of him before the bell rang and laughing as it did, “Have fun guys. I’ll see you, Wednesday Will. We’ll talk, ok?”

With that, he left us sitting there Finn looking a little pasty as he glanced at the computer screen. Now it was my turn to worry about him. Finn didn’t usually act or appear afraid of anything but whatever Wallace had said had really hit him in a bad way. Finn taking a minute before he moved Father Bellington chiming out.

“Now it’s lunch hour for my boys in the middle school area, this door over here is the one you want to go through. It will take us out into the 8th year hall so I would like you to be silent and respectful because class is in session. And then go from there out into the main lobby to the cafeteria,” he called out everyone lining up and then going through the door back to our own wing of the school.

“Finn?” Todd asked, and Finn just shook his head at him as we continued quietly on the path we were told to take Finn not speaking again until we got to the lunch line.

“Will,” he whispered in my ear turning to look at me as I was directly behind him, “You need to stay away from him as much as possible. Something is going on.”

“What?” I asked out loud. 

“What are you guys talking about?” Todd asked joining the line right behind me.

“It doesn’t matter,” Finn tried to assure him as he paid for his lunch and we made our way to the table where Teddy was sitting.

“Hey, how was class?” Teddy asked.

“It was ok. Don’t you have mentor hour first hour?” Finn asked Teddy.

“Yeah, I got Al as my mentor. He’s weird,” Teddy answered Finn.

“Are you kidding me?!” Todd asked sitting down, “We all got trackers? All of us?”

“I don’t think so. I mean Reid has some guy I don’t even know. And Julian got some transfer from Kentucky and I don’t think he’s brotherhood at all. And then you know Shane and Danny are…”

“Are what?” I asked him.

“Trackers,” Teddy told me, “They asked this year. I don’t know what way they are swinging their preferences so don’t ask. I didn’t pay that close attention after I heard Papa telling mom.”

“They can be trackers?” I asked quietly.

“As young as 12,” Finn said, “Apparently its new thing. I don’t know why or where, but I did go down into the lab a bit ago and Vati asked me how many 12-year olds watched rated R movies. And I answered just about everyone. He said good and then sent me away.”

“What does that have to…”

“I think it was Huber’s way of confirming we know about sex and what topping actually means,” Todd muttered

“T…,” I started to say before I felt my face heat up as I thought back to what Lionel was going to make me do with that baby before I had admitted I had never topped before. That I had never penetrated anyone. 

I can’t be sure and I’m still not but, I thought he was going to make me do that with him until I admitted I never had. The thought making the air catch in my chest. Making me feel sick to my stomach.

“Will?” Finn asked me quietly, “Will? You…you need to breathe. What’s…?”

I pulled out my inhaler. I hadn’t realized I had gone that still until Finn brought it to my attention me using my inhaler like I had been taught to the pressure in my chest instantly releasing.

“It’s ok,” Teddy told me, 

“Wh…” Todd stopped talking as Teddy shook his head, “Right. Sorry.”

It felt weird. Knowing that they were all staring at me watching me use my inhaler. An accessory I hadn’t had the year before. Knowing that they had all watched something in me change enough that Finn had said something. 

I looked at my tray of mashed potatoes and Salisbury stake waiting to calm down, waiting for my heart rate to slow. So why the moment we knew what topping was we were supposed to decide if we wanted to be a part of the brotherhood? If we were ok raping children? That was beyond sick.

“Are you ok?” Teddy asked me.

Was I ok? Was I ok knowing that two of guys I went to school with had decided they liked raping children? No. I wasn’t sure how anyone could ever be ok knowing that. The idea leaving me speechless even as I felt my heart rate slowing as I felt my breathing return to normal. The only response I could muster was shrugging my shoulders.

“You were going to tell us about Quinn and where he’s at,” Todd said looking at Finn as if trying to find a topic change, something to draw attention away from me.

“Right,” Finn said, “He’s at home right now. He didn’t tell me all the details but, something happened, and Gables paid him a call. Apparently, he can’t really sit down that well so I’m assuming Gables did something that really messed him up. Right now, he’s stuck on his stomach in bed more or less for the next two days. I only know this because I called to ask him about his class schedule and his dad handed him the phone.”

“Gables as in Cole?” Todd asked frowning, “I didn’t think that Co…”

“Not Cole. He’s a like us. He doesn’t have the muscle to put anyone on their stomach like that anyway. It was probably his dad,” Finn told us.

That’s what I had figured. Arthur was scary. I remembered him. The way he had held my head as he told me I could help John. Help make sure he didn’t get hurt as badly if I sucked him off and didn’t tell anyone about it. How the next time I had seen him his back and been flayed open in a couple of places and he’d had dried blood stuck to his legs in trails running from his bottom all the way down to his feet. How he had been covered in bruises and there had been several circular red bite marks down his chest, the back of his thighs and even one on his ass cheek. How he hadn’t looked like whatever they had done to him had been not hurting him badly.

“I’ve never dealt with Arthur,” Teddy said quietly, “I’ve heard stories about him and seen his messes though. Is he really ok?”

“He sounded really tired,” Finn admitted, “he said they expected him to be in school soon though, so it can’t be horrible I don’t think.”

“What did he do?” Todd asked quietly, “I mean for…”

“Whatever he did he didn’t deserve Arthur,” Teddy said shaking his head, “He really didn’t. You want to know though?”

“You’d tell us?” Finn asked Teddy giving him a serious look.

“He’s our friend. If you think he did something bad it’s…he escaped. That’s what papa said anyway. You remember when you were there with us, with Luke and I?” Teddy asked me, and I nodded my head Todd’s jaw-dropping, “He told his dad he was going to a friend’s house and then just didn’t come home. The like three days he was gone he was contacting people he thought could help them out. They found him out in Georgia somewhere. Papa put him to work to make it up. I’m sure other things happened. Apparently one of the last things he was supposed to do went unfinished, so Papa and his dad gave him another option. Arthur.”

I thought back to the photo shoot we were supposed to do together. Or that I was supposed to do with him or his little brothers. I thought back to how James and I had walked out in the middle of it. Was that what he was supposed to do that he hadn’t been able to finish? Was it because we had left while Uncle Ben was too busy socializing to notice? Was it my fault he had to deal with Arthur? He was supposed to be my friend and I had just…

“That’s horrible,” Finn said quietly.

“Are you sure he’s ok?” Todd asked again.

“He seemed really tired. He said he was supposed to be in school soon though. So, hopefully, he’s as ok.” Finn repeated.

“Arthur isn’t easy. Like I said I’ve seen what he does. He’s not a nice guy. He’s not as bad as Alabaster or Anderson but he’s still pretty bad. He likes whipping. A lot. So that’s probably what it is. Probably got his ass whipped and paddled so hard he simply can’t sit down,” Teddy said shrugging his shoulders.

“He likes blood,” I muttered.

“What?” Todd asked him his eyes going wide.

“My…John last year. I don’t even remember what it was but, he made Da really mad. So, he let Arthur gables and Hank Kingly…he let them…he was covered in dried blood. He couldn’t even speak,” I barely managed to mutter.

“Is he ok?” Finn asked me.

“It happened a while ago. But, no,” I answered shaking my head, “He tried to kill himself. He’s in the hospital.”

“Holy shit,” Todd muttered, “How are you doing? Are you ok?”

“Todd may…” Teddy started to say.

“What do you mean?” I asked him.

It was weird. It was the first time anyone had really asked me if I was ok about any of it. Had really sat down and asked me how I was doing when it came to that situation other than Cole. The question giving my brain someplace to refocus. Someplace where I wasn’t panicking about how it might be my fault Quinn was in the situation he was in. That I had somehow contributed to his current condition.

“Like, how are you feeling about it? About what your brother did. I mean that has to be hard. Isn’t it?” Todd asked me.

“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “I think I’m ok though. For the most part. I mean it was scary but I’m…I’m ok.”

“What was scary?” Finn asked me in a hushed voice.

“Finding him like that,” I admitted,” I found him like that. I thought he was dead.”

“What did he do? If it’s ok to ask,” Todd said.

“He slit his wrists while he was in the bath,” I answered, “He’s ok now. They sent him to I think it’s called wood haven.”

“He won’t do it again,” Teddy told me sounding absolutely sure of that fact.

“Because he’s at Wood Haven?” Finn asked.

“Yep,” Teddy replied, “I’ve never been myself but I’m not planning on going after all the shit I’ve heard about that place. Trust me it’s someplace that you never want to go.”

“That’s what I’ve heard,” I mumbled.

“From who?” Todd asked.

“Different sources,” I admitted.

“Your brother is friends with Cole, right?” Teddy asked me.

“Yes,” I said.

“He heard from Cole,” Teddy clarified.

“And Pat,” I included, “Pat kingly.”

“You’re friends with him?” Finn asked me.

“He’s friends with my brother,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“His dad sucks butt,” Todd said, “I’ve heard he bites.”

“Huh…,” Teddy said, “Sometimes. I haven’t really been with him? Has anyone?”

“Alex,” Todd said, “He won’t talk to you about it though. You ask him about any of that ever at school he’ll tell you to fuck off. Like he doesn’t even…he shivers if he hears his name. So…if I were you I wouldn’t eve…”

“You honestly think I would? That’s like something talking about any time they’ve spent with any of them. You don’t ask unless you’re close otherwise it’s beyond rude. I haven’t ever had to deal with him and I really hope I never do,” Finn said.

“You guys know I wouldn’t,” Todd said, “What about you Will?”

“What?” I asked feeling out of sorts. 

I could feel him, his hands. How they felt too big. How his tongue had felt too…my face turning red as I thought about it and tried to think about something else. Tried to forget what his tongue had felt like, his hands…his mouth as he…  
“Will, why don’t we go to the bathroom huh?” Teddy asked me to which I nodded my head. 

I followed him to the bathroom throwing away my tray of half-eaten food as he glanced behind to see if I was following before we got to the bathroom, “Give yourself a minute or two.”

“You’re not going to ask what’s wrong?” I asked him.

“No. You’re a big boy if you want to talk about it you will,” Teddy told me, “If I told everyone about any handler that ever touched me I’d been sitting in a room with them for like a million years. I just figured maybe you needed a minute or two to breathe. If you wanted to tell me, you would.”

“Thanks,” I said nodding my head.

I did appreciate not having to talk about it. Not having to go over what had happened or why the conversation had started to upset me. I didn’t want to have to talk about how Hank came over to my house or what he had done to me. What Lionel had let him do to me, given him permission to do. I didn’t want to talk about how he had been there hanging around my little brothers. One of them being just the type of boy he would target.

“It’s not a big deal. I don’t…not usually,” Teddy said, “It makes life easier not to hash it up every time it upsets you. Just makes it worse in my opinion if you keep focusing on it and if you’re talking about it, you’re focused on it so…” 

He shrugged his shoulders as I went over to the sink and splashed some water on my face the door opening suddenly Julian frowning and looking between the two of us briefly before he gave Teddy a look like he was scum on his shoe.

“Making out with your girlfriend?” Julian hissed at Teddy.

“He’s not my girlfriend and why would you care if he was? I mean you hate faggots, right?” Teddy shot back not missing a beat his expression not changing at all.

“Do you often share girlfriends with your grandpa?” Julian asked, “Or is this a new arrangement?”

“Julian, you’re boring me. Shut up. And don’t believe everything you hear,” Teddy said shaking his head and rolling his eyes.

“You’re the one who told me you were a fucking fag,” Julian said.

“Not that, the other thing,” Teddy said giving Julian a look like he was retarded.

“You know how many meeting my dad went to? How often I had to listen to him and Tip go on about how much money Lionel was wasting looking for his favorite piece of ass?” Julian said.

So, Lionel really had been looking hard for me.

“While they did what? Tag teamed you? How lovely to share, thanks for that,” Teddy said.

“Fuck you,” Julian spat even though his cheeks burned red.

“Yeah, you want to talk about someone’s shit life talk about your own shit life. How does it feel to be doubled and be fucked until your insides are starting to come out? Why don’t you tell us about that?” Teddy said.

“Fuck you,” Julian repeated.

“Or how about how you said what was it you said about your best friend since you were four? A cum dumpster of a four all because someone’s a little jealous he’s only a 3 and has to bend over for Tip Tabolt when he comes into town?” Teddy said.

“Shut your fucking mouth before I…”

“Before you what? You can’t touch me or else you’re headed to headmaster Watson and you fucking know it. Walking around talking like you’re a fucking tracker. Just declare already and fucking stop it with the bullshit. Go and throw your hat in the ring with those fuckers. You already spend all of your time with Shane so why don’t you just say you are one and that you want to fuck little girls?” Teddy asked him.

“I don’t want to fuck little anything,” Julian tried to defend himself.

“You don’t? Could have fooled me. Or maybe you think Todd is a cum dumpster of a four because he turned you down? Maybe that’s what your problem is. Because after you came out as a big fucking homophobe you hit on him and said it wasn’t the same as being gay because he’s younger than you are even though you fucking hate them touching you just like the rest of us. You’d rather be a fucking child molesting pervert than gay,” Teddy said Julian shaking his head at Teddy his fist clenched.

That’s why they had gotten into that fight? Because Todd had…that was something I wasn’t expecting. Just the way Julian was so homophobic I didn’t see Julian hitting anyone up for that. That and he didn’t honestly seem to the type to me.

“That’s a fucking lie,” Julian said, “If anything he was the one who hit on me.”

“I truly doubt that. He and Tina have been talking all summer,” Teddy said like him and Todd were best friends.

“I fucking doubt that. That was after he…”

“Look, I don’t fucking care what makes you get a boner or who. We pop boners all the fucking time. It doesn’t matter if we’re gay or straight someone looks at us a certain way we pop a fucking boner. It’s called puberty. I don’t care what gets your fucking jolly’s off. No one really does but apparently, you care about everyone else. All I know is what you called him in front of everyone and that’s why you don’t fucking talk anymore. He was even willing to forgive you for calling everyone else a bunch of faggots,” Ted said.

“So, you admit it? He’s your girlfriend,” Julian said smiling.

“Anyone touches him and, I mean even me they are losing their hand or worse. So, no he’s not my fucking girlfriend, as far as I know, he’s not even gay. Why do you care? Are you going to hit on him now too? Wait from him to turn you down and then get all ass chapped about it?” Teddy asked Julian.

“Shut the fuck up I am not a fucking f…,” 

“Yeah. Yet Todd showed me the webcam photos you sent him before he told you he wasn’t interested,” Ted said Julian’s mouth shutting and his eyes going wide, “Yeah that’s fucking right. So, shut your fucking mouth and get over yourself and start acting like a human being again or go and fucking declare so that you can go and torment anyone younger than you without having to hide what a sick fuck you are so that you can pretend that Tabolt isn’t ja…”

Just then Julian hulled off and punched Teddy across the face. Usually, Teddy had a big mouth but, I had never seen anyone just hall off and hit him before. Julian looking at me.

“You know how much you fucking cost me you little fuck? Standing there wiggling your ass like you’re a fucking girl. You’re a slut. Everyone knows you’re a slut. So, you say anything I’ll make sure you’re mine at least fucking once you understand me?” Julian hissed at me before he marched out of the bathroom Teddy holding his face with one hand as he flipped Julian off with the other.

“Are you ok?” I asked Ted getting some paper towel and wetting it for him.

“I’m fucking fine. Julian is a stupid piece of shit that’s all it is. I’m sorry his ass his sore because Tabolt can’t keep his dick out of it but that doesn’t give him a reason to act like a shit towards everyone else,” Teddy said.

“Does everyone know?” I asked him.

Before it had been just a rumor. That I was his boy. Sure, people had been calling me harem boy. People had been teasing me, mostly Danny who was now apparently a tracker but, they had only suspected I was Lionel’s and not really known about it. However, Julian mentioned meetings. Money, other things. The fact that Lionel had been looking for me. That it had caused him problems because it meant that Tabolt was in town when apparently, he shouldn’t have been. Or at least, Julian felt he shouldn’t have been.

“They have what they call the running pool,” Teddy said scratching his head as he looked at me, “It’s a pool of money that they use to hire a PI if anyone ever decides to run away. However, if they use the running pool it’s like a big decision. So, they must talk to …the counsel gets involved. It took a lot of money to find you. Your dad put in a good amount of it, he could have handled it all but, Papa didn’t trust him enough to not be included in the search. So, he talked to some people and they let him use some money from the running pool. So, contracts and bottoms if their dad is involved in council decisions for whatever reason they…yeah, they heard. Julian has probably told everyone that it’s true, yeah.”

Great. So, everyone fucking knew. I had next hour with Danny. That was awesome. He was just going to…That was fucking stupid. Like that morning hadn’t been horrible enough? Why couldn’t life just give me a fucking break?

“Are you ok?” he asked me.

“I’m harem boy,” I muttered shrugging my shoulders as I grimaced.

“I hear that out of anyone’s mouth I will find a way to kick their ass,” Teddy said taking the paper towel from me and pressing it to the cut on his lower lip.

“Did he…?” I trailed off feeling stupid for asking, for even wanting to know if the stuff he said was true.

“Send nudes to Todd?” Ted finished my sentence nodding his head, “Not everyone knows what’s going on there. Todd just… he’s not sure and he doesn’t want to do anything stupid. He doesn’t want his first real time to be something that …that’s just like everything else. So, he’s waiting until he figures it out.”

“Whether he’s gay?” I asked him to which Ted nodded his head, “Julian told him if they were like their dad’s that it’s not as gross as being gay because that means you can still be matched and get married. Still, have kids. You can do those things whether you’re gay or not so, I don’t see what the point of saying that was but it scared Todd. A lot. So that and the other stuff he turned Julian down. Todd doesn’t want to be associated with it. Most of us don’t.”

“Me neither,” I told him.

“If you’re wondering whether I told people about what you did, I haven’t and, I won’t,” Teddy told me.

“You mean why he…?” I trailed off as I felt Sergei my body jerking as I made a chirping sound.

“Ok, look at the wall and tell me what color it is,” Ted told me calmly.

“Blue, it’s blue,” I said the fact that my brain was refocusing instantly helping pull me back to the present, away from the flashback I was about to experience as Teddy went silent. As he watched me carefully stare at the wall. At the wall lined with sinks and that huge one paned mirror next to the two stalls that hid the urinals from being viewed by someone standing in the doorway. 

“You really aren’t doing well,” Teddy said shaking his head.

“I’m fine,” I said shaking my head.

“That’s two in the past 20 minutes. 2 near flashbacks in the past 20 minutes Will,” Teddy said, “And before you ask how I know what that is I will remind you my mom is a psychiatrist.”

I shrugged my shoulders. I wasn’t sure there was anything anyone could do about it. I just knew I didn’t want to be me anymore. That I hadn’t since we had come home. Since that fucking plane where I hadn’t been given a choice. Since the first time, they had taken that from me. Taken my body from me.

“You need to talk to Dr. Palmer about anxiety medication. It’ll help,” Teddy told me.

“Nothing will help. There’s nothing and no one that can help me. You know that,” I answered.

I was his boy, his slut. He’d give me to whoever he wanted to. He’d let whoever asked do whatever they wanted to me. My whole body shaking before I walked over to the stalls and shut one of the doors locking myself in, so Teddy didn’t have to see my cry again. Didn’t have to watch me being a stupid slut. The last thing I needed to be doing was crying.

“Will, it’s ok. You don’t hav…”

“I shouldn’t be crying. This is my fucking fault. Go away Ted,” I managed my voice barely steady.

“Don’t be stupid. None of this is your fault. Why do you think it’s your fault anyway?” Ted asked me quietly through the door.

“If I wasn’t …if I wasn’t his,” I barely managed in a whisper.

“That’s not true. Sure, they wouldn’t have looked for all of you as hard as they did if you weren’t his but, that doesn’t mean any of this is your fault. You have to know that somewhere deep down,” Teddy said, “I mean, did you ask papa to be in your life? Did you do something to get his attention the first time he saw you? No, the answer is no, Will. So, none of this is your fault. That’s the only conclusion anyone can come to. Anyone with any sense, anyway.”

“And what about the rest of them?” I asked him.

“The rest of who? The Brotherhood?” Teddy asked me.

“Oh, I don’t know, My uncle, Leo, Arthur, Wallace, Josh Stein, Sergei, any and all of them. What about them? Why do they all…”

“Wait woah,” Teddy said through the stall door, “They’ve all approached you?”

I sighed letting the conversation fall into silence. Had they all approached me? In one way or another yeah, they had. Arthur had approached me trying to convince me he wouldn’t be as rough on John if I just…blew him so I had done it. That had been a lie. Even Hank had shown interest in me even though he was notorious for liking boys with red hair. 

I just wanted to be left alone and it didn’t seem there was any place that would happen. Not at school where Watson was probably going to keep an eye out for me like he had done several times last year or where Wallace was my mentor. Not at home. I had nowhere to go where I didn’t feel like I had to be careful. Where I was actually safe and didn’t have to worry about any of them.

“I’m sorry,” Teddy said after the silence had stretched out too long.

“No, I’m sorry,” I muttered back, “I don’t want to be this guy who can’t hold his shit together. Who everyone tiptoes around because he’s a complete ninny.”

“Don’t be like that. You’re fine. If I was dealing with as much as you are I’d probably be a mess too,” Teddy told me.

“I don’t want to…I don’t know what to do Ted,” I admitted, “John and mum are gone and, I don’t know what to do. I can’t protect any of them. He…,” I shook my head not able to talk about it. Not able to talk about how Lionel had made me touch James, made me masturbate him briefly before he had made him scream. Made his body seize and malfunction underneath him. 

“You’re doing the best you can,” Ted tried to assure him, “Just keep doing that. It’s all that you really can do.”

Ted sighed heavily just as the bell rang. Just as I concluded that maybe Ted was right, maybe I was doing everything that I could do. Maybe it was just a matter of holding on. Holding on until John got home until things started to get better again. Maybe that’s all that was in my control.

I don’t remember much about the rest of the day until I got home from school. I don’t remember Danny saying anything really not even as seats were assigned. The whole rest of the day one big blur that has been lost to time.


	59. Chapter 59

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will makes it home only for Ben and Hank to join them upstairs attempting to groom some of the younger boys. Will gets defensive which lands him in trouble with Da.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1471 to 1493. No, John is still not back yet for a while **warnings: Rape/non-con, forced kissing, forced oral, forced handjob, mental health issues, anxiety, talk of child sexual abuse, talk of incest**

Alice and Debbie were both home when I got there which, surprised me. At that point, I had only seen Debbie three times really because I was usually in my room, however, father Bennington had assigned me homework even though it was only my first day so, I sat down at the table to do my school work the same as everyone else.

“So, how was school, Will?” Debbie asked me.

She was only slightly older than Karen had been with Brown hair instead of black. She had a face full of freckles and still looked young. A little tired but young and mostly happy.

The question was, did I tell her? Did I tell her that I was an old man’s whore and he had assigned me a friend who only had an interest in grabbing my ass as well? Or did I lie and say it was the best day of my life? That it was something I’d been dying for. Getting back to school, back to my friends?

I sighed and shrugged my shoulders. It was better than straight out lying or telling the truth. Her giving me a small smile in return.

“I was never that great at school,” Debbie commented.

“He’s great at school,” Matty muttered.

“Matt,” I sighed not wanting to deal with any more of that.

“What? It’s true. I mean you skipped a grade because you’re like super smart. You have it all, the brains, the loo…”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” I barked.

“Excuse you, Will,” Debbie said giving me a dirty look and shaking her head, “You don’t speak to your brother that way.”

“I…I’m sorry,” I apologized.

“Who twisted your pants?” Matt asked me.

“Don’t think I don’t know what that means,” Debbie said, “don’t speak like that. You’re 9.”

“And he’s 11. What’s your point?” Matt asked her.

“Really? Is it going to be that type of day? Because if it is I’m doing homework in my room,” Mike muttered.

“What type of day?” Debbie asked.

“Never mind,” Mike sighed.

“No, I’m really…” 

“He means the type of day where I have to make everyone upset,” Matt said, “No, Mike, it is not going to be that type of day. I’m sorry, ok? I was amusing myself and it was mean.”

“You promise Matty?” Mike looked at him, “Because I really am tired of it. You make me so tired sometimes.”

Matt sighed before he stood up walking around the table to where Mike was sitting before draping himself over Mike’s back and whispering something in his ear. Before Mike nodded his head and smiled leaning his cheek against the side of Matt’s face.  
It wasn’t something that I saw often me shooting Mike a look before he said something to Matt in their twin language, “Vaxayfo wo'rr pe Aussio gissos raxatol, ek?” (Maybe we’ll do Aussie kisses later, ok?)

“Deal,” Matt said smiling as he went and sat down in his own seat to continue his homework.

I honestly had no clue what had been said but I knew Matt seemed really happy about it. I knew they had that type of relationship sometimes but, it did make me uncomfortable and I could certainly guess that’s why Matt was very happy and well behaved all the sudden. 

That was a game that I hadn’t mastered yet. Agreeing to give them what they wanted if they gave me something in return. I didn’t like the idea of it. Just thinking about doing things that way made me feel dirty and I had seen how that didn’t always work in your favor. With Arthur, how he had said he would be nicer to John if I just…so, I had agreed. It hadn’t seemed like it had worked in either of our favors. Things just didn’t work that way for me.

They never had and here was Mike, doing the same thing with Matt and I was sure John did it with Da. Something clicking in my brain. When he said he was going to keep Matt from hurting anyone he was…

“How long has this been going on?” I asked them Mike’s face going white.

“Yo…you…?” he started to question.

“No, I didn’t understand what you said. Not 100% but I know what you’re doing and don’t. Because I know it’s not your thing.”

“That’s what you think?” Matt asked me, “That’s seriously what you think?”

“That’s what I know,” I said.

“What are you three talking about?” Debbie asked us as she got up and started putting her shoes on so she go down to the bus and get James and Catty from the bus stop out front when they came home.

“Thinks he wou…” Mike started to say before being cut off.

“You know what the Brotherhood is? If you don’t keep your ears out of our business, if you do I still think you should keep your ears out of our business,” Matty told her.

“Ok, first off I know exactly what you are if I didn’t know before and now you’re going to go finish your homework in your room because you can’t be civilized. You think I don’t know what the Brotherhood is? I was hoping this wouldn’t be that type of household but I guess I’m stuck now. Go to your room and finish your homework. I’ll be back in a couple of minutes,” Debbie said before walking over to the lift.

I felt like my jaw was about to hit the floor. So, she knew? She knew about…all of it? Everything that was going on? EVERYTHING?! And she…was she like Alice? Alice needed the money. She did what she could when she could but, that wasn’t very much at all, but she didn’t look like she needed money. It made me wonder what she was there for. Why she was working for Da in the first place. She seemed nice enough.

When she came back upstairs James was talking to her about his day.

“Robby is in my class again and I have Father Marshall this year. Apparently, he’s nice. He didn’t ask anyone to sit on his lap yet. So that’s nice because I don’t like sitting on anyone’s lap. It makes me feel funny. Catty said she had sister Martha, didn’t you Catty?”

“Sister Martha and sister MaryAnne,” Catty corrected him, “We’re the five group and the five group they said needs a lot of sisters because we’re little ladies.”

“You have friends that are little ladies? Are you sure you’re little ladies and not little monkey’s?” Debbie asked her before ticking Catty’s sides causing her to laugh.

“I don’t know,” Catty managed once she had caught her breath, “But, Sister Martha says we’re little ladies. We counted all the way to 30 today. And once we remember how we’re going to count all the way to 60.”

“I thought you knew how to count to 100?” I asked her while working on my own math problems.

“I can but, we’re supposed to do it with the board. So, we know what it looks like,” she told me, “I remember what 30 looks like. It’s a 3 and a 0 together. That makes 30.”

“Very good. I think that means reading. You learned how to read to 30 today,” I corrected her.

“I think you count numbers you don’t read them,” Catty told me.

“I see,” I said nodding my head, “Ok well anyway. I think I’m done Debbie where is…?”

“Alice? She’s downstairs,” Debbie said walking through the kitchen to grab and sippy cup off the counter, “She’s making dinner downstairs because it seems to work better with all the little ones running around. Especially since Seamus started walking.”  
“What?! Seamus is walking?” I asked Debbie as she smiled brightly.

“Yes, the morning while you guys were at school,” She said as I got up leaving my open book on the table to go see. Sure enough, he was sitting in the living room next to Mary but when he saw me he smiled at me and then stood up on his chubby little legs and waddled to me.

“Hi, baby Shay! Look at you, such a big boy now huh?” I asked him.

“Big,” Mac muttered looking at me.

“Aye, you’re big too.”

“I’d bigger,” Laura told me.

“You are. Andy too but only by a little bit,” I agreed.

“A little bit bigger,” Andy said nodding his head as he played with a toy piano on the ground.

They were all still so small and it made me wonder if they missed mum. I was sure they realized she was gone but, did they really miss her? Alice was there, and she took care of them more than anyone else so as long as they were being taken care of did they really miss anyone? Had they missed me while I was gone? Did they miss John? What if …what if mum never came back? What if they just…they forgot about her altogether?

“Do you guys remember mummy?” I asked them.

“Where mama?” Andy asked looking at me frowning.

“You know Mummy, like how Laura has Mummy’s hair and John.”

“Job have mummy hair and Lar,” Andy told me.

“Right, do you remember her?” I asked him again.

“Mama go bye, bye,” Andy said.

“That’s right, she went bye, bye,” I told him.

“Mama come back?” he asked me.

“I hope,” I sighed.

I wasn’t sure he was understanding me. I mean they were still little so, sometimes it was hard to tell. I hugged him when he came up to me. Hugged him closely. He still smelled like a baby. A beautiful fragile little thing. They were all just babies. If mum never came back they would never remember her. Never remember her smile or her laugh. Never remember anything about her. About the woman who gave up everything for them. Who had probably given her life for them?

I knew Lionel had said she would be back. He hadn’t said it outright, but I knew that was one of the things he was talking about in the pool. If that was true when she came back she wouldn’t be her. It sounded like he had fried her brain. Him and Leo both. Them sharing that information with me after they had…my whole-body shivering as I sat there, as I hugged Andy.

“Vill cool,” Andy asked me.

“No, I’m not cold,” I said shaking my head and smiling at him before I kissed his cheek, “I’m ok.” 

I wasn’t ok. I wanted mum. I wanted mum again because I couldn’t…I felt like I couldn’t deal with any of the stuff that was going on. Not with how school was. The lift dining as I turned to look as everyone turned to look Uncle Ben and Hank stepping off the lift their arms full of bags.

“Unc Ben!” Andy shouted happily trying to charge for him as I held him more tightly around the middle. 

He wasn’t touching him. He wasn’t going near him. Andy struggling in my arms.

“Let him go. Let me see my other favorite boy,” Uncle Ben said as Hank started walking closer walking past me towards Mac.

“Hi little Kai,” Hank said, “I have a present for you.”

“You stay away from him!” I shouted, “DEBBIE! DEBBIE GET…”

“Why are…? Can I help you, Hank?” Debbie asked quietly.

“No, I’m fine. I came here to see my friend and give him some gifts,” Hank said to Debbie.

“Mac, come here. Come see me,” she said her face set like she was angry as Mac waddled over to her Seamus following behind him, “I don’t know if my employer has given you per…”

“I don’t need permission to see my friends,” Hank said quietly.

“Yeah, you do,” Debbie said, “Unless I hear it from him that this is ok you are going to leave your gifts and go.”

“No, he’s not. He’s taking whatever he has with him,” I insisted.

“Aww, come on sweetheart. We had fun, didn’t we? Don’t be mean,” Hank said looking at me.

“Ok, that’s enough,” Debbie said shaking her head, “Go. I don’t want you here with me and them alone.”

“Debs come on, I’ve never treated you badly. You know my girl.”

“And my brothers know you. So, get out before I call downstairs. I doubt he wants you grooming his 1-year old son even if he is your friend. So, get out of here,” Debbie said her determination surprising me as she picked up Mac holding him in her arms as Shay stood by her side.

“Fine,” Hank sighed shaking his head, “Fine. I’ll be back later ok Kai? You to sweetheart. I promise.” He said as he winked at me before both he and Uncle Ben got back onto the lift.

The whole entire time I felt like…like my heart was racing. Like it was trying to break free from my chest, so it could hide. So, it didn’t have to…

“Will,” Debbie said, “Will it’s ok. You’re ok. You did good. Come on…come on Will. You were a great big brother you did good. You can let Andy go now. They’re gone.”

I hadn’t even realized I was still holding him because all I could hear, could feel was my heart pounding. My grip loosening as I realized how hard I was shaking. How…

“It’s ok,” Debbie said coming moving so she was in front of me, “Will you kept them safe. You did great. You’re ok now. Everything is ok, they are gone.”

“I…,” I felt like my whole body was shaking.

“Is your inhaler in your blazer?” she asked me giving me an encouraging smile.

I nodded my head my throat feeling tight the only sound I was able to make a strangled whimper. I knew I was in shock that I was…he had embarrassed the fuck out of me. No one knew. Not about that. No one except Cole and Pat if they even knew about it. No one except them and now Mike and Matt knew. James, Catty, Everyone. Everyone knew. 

“Ok, how about you use it?” she asked me, “Your lips are a little purple.”

I nodded my head and used it my chest loosening before she nodded her head in approval, “Much better. You look like you’re already breathing better. I know more about this than you think. I was hoping when I got the referral it wouldn’t be that type of house. But…I guess it is what it is.”

“What do you mean?” I asked her when I was finally able to breathe.

She had said her brothers knew who Hank was. Earlier she had told Matt that she was very aware of what the brotherhood was and had sent him to his room. Did that mean that she was…? The only other woman I had meant that had anything to do with the brotherhood was Teddy’s mom and she encouraged it. Did that mean that she was…that she was one of them?

“I’ve worked hard to try and distance myself from all of that. I see the only way I’m ever going to be able to distance myself enough is to go into hiding possibly,” she muttered probably more to herself than to me.  
“It won’t work,” I said without thinking, “They’d…never mind.”

“I heard. Alice told me and I’m sorry kid. It must be hard. Getting that taste of freedom and then being thrown back into the fire. Especially without the people you need. You’re stepping up though. You’re doing great.”

“Not good enough,” I said shaking my head feeling like I was going to start crying, “Not good enough Mike is…” I trailed off.

What could I say about it? He was pimping himself out to Matt and probably Uncle Ben to keep our younger brothers as safe as possible because I was off limits, and everyone knew it? Because I was his? Because I was Lionel’s just like James was going to be very soon. That Lionel had made that very clear to James and me as well as my Da?

“Hey, what Mike does is his business. I know that sounds weird but, take it from someone who was in that place once. This is the only choice he’s ever going to get to make with his body. With that part of himself. You should understand that. If he wa…”  
“He doesn’t want to,” I said shaking my head, “I know he doesn’t. He’s told me he doesn’t. That he’s not ok with it.”

“I’ll talk to him about it if you want me to,” Debbie told me.

“No, it’s ok. I’ll keep watching out for it. I don’t know. Sometimes I think he’s confused about it. Like he wants to but then he doesn’t all at the same time. Like he’s wondering why it feels different but then the same so, he keeps doing it to try and figure it out even if he doesn’t really want to do it with Matty,” I mumbled.

“Sounds like you might have some experience in that department,” Debbie told me, “Have you gotten involved with Matt?”

“Me?! NO, N…”

“Ok, calm. I was just curious. I wasn’t accusing you of anything or blaming you for something. I was just asking. Look, I understand that this world, your world, our world is different. That things sometimes happen even between siblings that most people don’t find acceptable but, that’s a part of what the brotherhood teaches because it does socially isolate us. Because that’s what they want.

They want us to feel awkward and not accepted anywhere else. That way we won’t leave. I mean look at me, most of that stuff I’ve left way behind me but, I refuse to move even though I really should and, you know why that is? Because all my friends, all the people that feel like family to me are somehow still trapped in this. I’m 24 years old and I’m still stuck. I’m still holding onto these people and they are still holding onto me so tightly because no one else will ever understand us the way we do.”

“You were…?”

“It’s not something I care to rehash,” Debbie said as I nodded my head in understanding, “I will say that it’s something that has taken me a while to accept and it’s something I still have a very hard time with and I expect that I always will. Now, why don’t y…”

“Everyone can head downstairs,” Alice used the intercom to call out, “Supper is ready.”

“Never mind. We’ll save that thought for later,” She told me, “Are you feeling ok?”

“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head.

It felt weird. Knowing that she understood that. That she had brothers who were like us, who were in the brotherhood. Who were bottoms that had to…those poor men. That poor family. 

I helped her gather everyone and we got on the lift Matty carried Mary and Mike carried Shay while I grabbed Mac and Debbie helped Andy and Laura get downstairs to the dining room. It was all ready and Hank was sitting there with Da and Uncle Ben. Alice sitting down and giving me as well as Mike and Matt a warning smile to stay positive, to act like everything was fine.

“Are you joining us, sir?” Debbie asked quietly.

“Yes, as are my friends. If you and Alice would like to eat somewhere else that is on you. However, if you would like to join us as well I do want to remind you of our non-disclosure clause and that I am head of this household. That you work for me. Is that understood Miss. Winters?” Da said his tone icy.

“Yes, Sir,” Debbie said, “Would you like us to take the younger children into th…”

“No, leave them here in their booster seats. Like I said if you would prefer to eat in the kitchen or upstairs that is up to you. I will call you when you’re needed.”

“Yes, sir,” Debbie said nodding her head as she made sure Andy and Laura were properly buckled into their booster chairs and did a small bow as she left the room.

“William,” Da said looking at me, “Sit between your uncle and me.”

He gestured to the empty seat on his right between him and Uncle Ben. I felt my mouth go dry. I was in trouble and I knew what for. I wasn’t stupid. It was the same reason he had been so cold with Debbie. Because we had told Hank to go away, uncle Ben to go away. That they couldn’t spend time with them, with my little brothers. My little brothers who didn’t understand how dangerous Uncle Ben and Hank were.

“Someone’s in trouble,” Matty said.

“Matthew, enough,” Da warned him, “Everyone that isn’t sitting, you sit. Now.”

Everyone found a chair and sat. Da staring at all of us his eyes lingering on me before he spoke. His tone serious.

“Whose house is this?” he asked us, “Anyone care to answer or are you going to stare at me like you all just swallowed lemons?”

“Your house Daddy,” Catherine barely whispered.

“That’s correct, sweetie,” he said smiling at her, “I’m not upset with you, by the way, you have nothing to worry about. If it’s my house who has a say in who enters this house?”

“You,” Mike said.

“That’s right, I have the final say in who is and isn’t allowed in this house. I own everything in this house. Who lives in this house?”

“We do,” Matt answered looking at Da.

“So then by deduction, I own you, correct?” Da asked.

I didn’t want to say it. I didn’t want to admit he owned me. I didn’t want to think of myself as property even though I knew we were. Of course, we were. What else would we be?

“Yes,” James barely whispered.

“I want to hear you all say it, Yes, Daddy you own us. Go on. Say it!” he nearly barked.

“Yes, Daddy you own us,” we all murmured quietly. Those of us that could speak properly anyway.

“Good. Now that we have established that as well as the fact that I say who is allowed in this house don’t you think it’s true that I am the only one who has a say in who is and isn’t allowed to visit you and touch you? Unless you are jointly spoken for, William?” He asked directing the question at me.

“Yes, Da,” I said staring at the plate of pasta in front of me.

“Good. So, if say I said Hank could play with your little brothers do you have a right to say when that happens?”

“No,” I said shaking my head at my noodles.

“Good. Do you have a right to tell him to leave?”

“No,” I answered.

“Does the nanny have a right to tell him to leave?” he asked me.

“No,” I said.

“Then you know what happens if the Nanny protests his presence? You tell them to back off and if they have a problem with it they can discuss it with me later when they pick up their last paycheck. If you have a problem with it, you keep your mouth shut or I am placing a phone call and we’ll be discussing how to adjust your attitude. Do you understand young man?”

He was threatening me. With Lionel and whoever Lionel wanted to…I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t.

“Don’t cry like a little fucking bitch. You answer me. Do you understand?” He hissed at me as I felt Uncle Ben’s hand on my left leg.

“Yes,” I whimpered nodding my head.

So, I wasn’t allowed to say anything. I wasn’t allowed to protect them otherwise…I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it again. I coul…

“Calm down,” Da instructed me, “This time it’s a warning. Next time I will be making a phone call. So, you need to just breathe and calm yourself down. However, I am beginning to think you are a glutton for punishment. You and John both.”

Hank laughed lightly at that, “The boss does tend to pick boys that like it a little rough.”

“Is that so?” Da asked sounding curious.

“Well, he did hold a contract over Cole for a while. Arthur’s boy…”

“Please, Hank everyone knows you and Arthur are more than just roommates and friends. You can refer to him correctly if you like,” Da said twirling some noodles on his fork as he started eating.

“Our boy. In bed, he’s as sweet as can be still but outside of the bedroom he makes trouble. I honestly think it’s because he likes taking it rough. That it helps get him off so, he does whatever he can to make sure he gets it that way. It’s exciting.”

“Maybe I should take to paddling him?” Da asked referring to me.

“I don’t see it hurting. As long as you don’t leave any scars. And The boss would never interfere in your right to do that. I can show you some techniques if you like. Even though I would like to show you on a more delicate model if you…”

“No, much too young for my liking. He’s going to be very…nice when he’s older but he’s way too small to even understand what’s going on,” Da told him, “You even said last time Will was very satisfying.”

“Oh, he is. He’s very nice. Very sweet cream just like his brother,” Hank agreed before taking a bite of food.

My whole body was shaking he wasn’t going to? He couldn’t be serious. Not like that, not again. Not…

“Baby it’s ok. They’re just talking nothing is going to happen. Not like that. Not without a phone call. You and me, however? We could play tonight, couldn’t we? When Alice heads home and Debbie is putting the kids down you just come to my room? Tell Daddy we’ll take care of it. We do have permission as long as no mouth is involved but…I won’t tell if you don’t,” he whispered squeezing my lower thigh making me jump my knee as well as his hand hitting the underside of the table as I jerked.

“Son of a!!” Uncle Ben said before he realized he was in front of a bunch of younger kids and stopped himself.

“So that knock was your hand against the table?” Hank asked him smiling.

“It hurt,” Uncle Ben said nodding his head.

“He is a finicky little thing though,” Hank said nodding his head and waving his fork at me, “We all know it. You remember how badly he was shaking at Leo’s party?”

“Right?” Uncle Ben said, “Like a sweet little mouse that someone is getting ready to step on.”

“I’ve never done that,” Matty said causing the whole table to look at him, “stepped on a mouse. I’ve stepped on a Lizard before. Its guts exploded everywhere.”

“Not at the dinner table Matthew,” Da said even though he was smiling, “He’s so inquisitive. Sometimes I think he’ll be smarter than Will here.”

“Maybe,” Hank said looking at Matt, “You seem like a smart kid. Hopefully, you’ll stay smart.”

I was smart. I just wasn’t sadistic. What would be the point of stepping on an animal? I weighed so much more than most animals especially something like a lizard or a field mouse I knew what would happen without having to see it happen. There was no need to step on anything like that other than if I wanted to, which was something I had no desire to do in the first place.

“How was the first day of school?” Da asked looking at me.

I shrugged my shoulders before I could see him saying the words. Saying the same thing Lionel always told me. The thought that I might hear them making me want to slam my hands over my ears, so I didn’t have to. So, I didn’t…

“Will,” Da said frowning at me, “I’m serious quiet acting like a bitch before I breed you like one. How was your first day back at school?”

“Fine,” I barely muttered.

“What’s a bitch?” Catty asked.

“Well first that is not a word that ladies use, and you are a lady, so I don’t want to hear it again. Secondly, that is what they call a girl Dog who wants to experience real love, so she can have puppies,” Da explained to her.

“But Will’s not a girl dog. He’s not even a girl,” Catty pointed out making Hank laugh heartily into his water glass.

“I guess William and Matthew aren’t the only smart ones,” Hank managed when he quit laughing.

“All of my children are very gifted. James plays the piano very nicely. Greg has been picked to give him lessons.” Da told Hank.

“By the boss?” Hank asked.

“Of course. He’s invested in his education,” Da said.

“I wouldn’t expect anything less from him,” Hank said

“Yum,” Mac said.

“You like your food, Kai?” Hank asked smiling across the table at him. 

I didn’t like Hank talking to him. The whole thing making my skin crawl because if he saw a little boy he didn’t see one that was worth anything. He saw a little boy to play with, to make hate himself. To one day use to get off. He didn’t see Mac for Mac he saw him for what he wanted him for. He saw what he wanted Mac to be and not who he had the potential of being or who he was already starting to become. He only saw what he wanted to see.

I wanted to yell at Hank not to talk to him, not to even breath the same air as him Da probably sensing my growing agitation as he drew my attention back to him, “You didn’t answer the question. How was your first day of school? I will not ask nicely again. Do you understand me?” he said.

“It was fine Da,” I answered.

“Define fine. I heard that you started your mentorship today. Lionel hand-picked your mentor himself. He thought you two would be good for each other. What’s he like?”

“Ok,” I answered trying to think of something else to say.

“You care to try again honey? I want to know about him. What is his favorite color? Did he seem to like you?”

Did he seem to like me? He had dry humped me in a hotel bathroom. He had made me…call him Daddy. He had…

“Ben, are you done eating? I think someone could use a bit of an attitude adjustment,” Da said.

“Of course. I have permission for three nights a week. And the boss said that he left som…”

“It’s in my room. He’s supposed to wear it at night until it slides in comfortably then we’ll tell Lionel about that and he’ll get the next size up. So, if you would go and…”

“Come on baby,” Uncle Ben said squeezing my knee hard before offering me the same hand above the table in front of everyone.

Da and he just expected me to accept the fact that he was about to rape me and take his hand as he led me away to do it? Hank shooting me a smile and then winking at me as he watched me twitch in anxiety. As he watched me fight with myself trying to decide what would be best.

If I just…if I went with him and just did it was it really better than fighting? Than showing my brothers and little sister that I wasn’t ok with it? With having sex with our Uncle? That I didn’t believe it was ok and I didn’t want to do it. That I hated it as much as they did. That it hurt me as much as it hurt them. So, did I fight it? Did I tell him no and shake my head until he punched me and then threw me over his shoulder or did I just accept his hand? Accept that it was going to happen no matter what I did.

“I…I was thinking of something to say about him,” I told Da, “I…we didn’t talk to that much he gave me a tour of the library.”

“I don’t care anymore. Go learn something useful,” Da said dismissing us.

“Don’t make me teach you on the table,” Uncle Ben said smiling wiggling his fingers at me.

“I wouldn’t mind a show,” Hank said, “But I don’t think that would be good for Kai.”

“Hank, would you let it go? He’s one. He doesn’t understand what’s happening nor does he understand that you want to dip it in him and would happily do so if I allowed it.”

I felt like I was going to puke hearing that. Uncle Ben grabbing me hard by the elbow and forcing me out of my chair and down the hallway. Him pushing me into a wall face first and grinding on me as we neared the stairs in the foyer.

“This is going to be fun. You smell really good baby. Do you think you’re in heat?” he asked me nibbling the back of my neck.

I wasn’t a fucking dog.

“I’m not a dog,” I managed to spit out the words coming out weaker than I wanted them to.

“Doesn’t mean we can’t do it doggy style. You know you want to be bred. That pussy loves cum. Loves to have cock inside it. Everyone knows it, baby. The way you moaned and begged in those videos. It was hot watching you take it like that. How you kept begging to the very end for them to fill your sweet little boy pussy with all that creamy milk. You want mine, even if you won’t admit it. I know you do,” he said as he wrapped his arms around my waist.

“Stop,” I managed to beg, to plead with him.

I didn’t …I never wanted to, but the day had been hard enough. I was dirty enough I didn’t need anyone making it worse. And he would make it so much worse. He wouldn’t even follow Lionel’s rules he had told me as much and I didn’t…I was so tired of being disgusting.

“I wouldn’t say that again,” he whispered kissing my cheek beside my ear from behind, “Come on baby, upstairs. We’ll open you up really good for that training dildo. Make sure you’re open nice and wide for your next movie.”

He yanked me hard by the back of my shirt collar before dragging me forward. Dragging me up the stairs and towards his room.

No, not his room, not his…

“What’s wrong? Just relax we’ll have fun. It’ll feel good,” he said as I heard him smile.

To him. It felt good to him. To me it just felt…dirty.

“Uncle B…”

“Daddy B,” he told me, “Or just Daddy. We should be practicing. We won’t let him know how much we practiced though.”

He opened his door that gray accent wall right there staring me in the face. Reminding me of what Mike had said. The one Mike had reminded me of a week or so before. I turned around as soon as he forced me forward through the door.

“How many times as Mike been in here?” I asked him.

He smirked widely at me, “No need to get jealous, baby. You’re still my number one. Why don’t you strip?”

He started throwing off his clothes like they were on fire as I stood there. I was still wearing my school uniform. Everything but my blazer. The whole thing making me feel sick knowing he’d raped my little brother in that bed. As he probably screamed out wishing he could tell him to stop. Wishing he didn’t have to feel our Uncle Do that to him. Wishing he didn’t have to ever feel anyone do that to him.

“Don’t stand there like that. Take it off baby. Let me see what you have,” he said rubbing himself once he was fully naked, “I’ll enjoy it nice and slow. We’ll make love ok?”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to make love. Not with…I felt beyond sick to my stomach.

“Oh, I almost forgot. I’ll be right back, ok?” Uncle Ben said before leaving the room.

I didn’t want to sit or lay down in that bed. The orange of the sheets glaring at me. He was going to make comments about me. Like he always did, like all of them always did and I didn’t…I hated it. It made me want to rip my skin off burn away everything I was, so I could be something different something new.

He came back in my whole body frozen him holding that…thing in his hand. That thing that was supposed to…I gulped.

“What? You’re supposed to be using it at night. Don’t think I don’t know. Just because Daddy has been too busy to make sure it’s happening doesn’t mean that you get off scot-free. We’re going to do this every night until you learn you that you need it. Until you understand that you need it or you’re in for a world of pain,” he told me, “And I…” he placed his hand on my chest, “Don’t want you in pain baby. Not when it can be prevented. Even though the Boss says he thinks you like it rough. Do you baby boy? Have you been holding out on me?”

He slid his thumb over my bottom lip. Cupping my chin in his hand. As he bit his own bottom lip, his face inches from mine. I didn’t understand what he meant by rough. Did he mean being bit up and down my body? Because I didn’t like that. I didn’t like any of it.

“Don’t make me undress you. Don’t you think you’re Da is going to be upset if you make me rip that neatly tailored shirt?” he asked me as he looked at me.

He wanted me to undress for him. So, he could…I didn’t want to do that. I felt like my hands were shaking too badly to even manage pulling my vest over my head let alone actually undoing the buttons of my oxford. I hated that Hank was downstairs with them and Da. That no one was there to protect them and da had made me…was making me. I closed my eyes trying to breathe deeply, trying to calm myself down and tell myself it was better this way.

That it was better it was me and not Michael. Because if he was in that mood he would hurt him. He would…

“Now,” Uncle Ben said looking at me as he started wanking himself off, getting himself hard.

I sighed pulling my vest over my head and instantly feeling that much closer to naked. I already felt exposed. I knew what he saw when he looked at me. It didn’t matter how many layers I was wearing he always saw me the way he wanted to see me. My clothes would never make that go away.

“Nice, keep going,” he encouraged me as I looked at him before I loosened my tie undoing it and throwing it on top of my vest.

I didn’t want to. I remember that repeating in my head like a broken record as he watched me unbutton my oxford and throw that on the ground as well on top of my vest and tie.

At that point, I was standing in the center of his room in my socks, undershirt, and pants. He smiled still only inches from me, his face so close I could feel his breath on my face before his hand went to the back of my neck pulling me forward. His tongue in my mouth. His hands going hastily to my belt and undoing it yanking that and my dress pants down before he grabbed me hard by the ass cheeks forcing me to nearly climb up his frame as he kissed me, rubbed his nakedness against me.

I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to…

“Come on baby,” he said dropping me on his bed pressing his body back into mine as he grabbed at the waistband of my undies, “Show me everything. Show me everything baby. How sexy you are.”

I wasn’t sexy. I shook my head. I wasn’t anywhere near sexy. Why didn’t he see that? I was dirty…I was…

“Stop I’m…I’m not…” I said him pushing me down hard suddenly his hand on my neck.

“You do want to play rough don’t you baby? How about you get on your hands and knees, stick that cunt in the air. Give me a nice view before I fuck it,” he muttered into my neck before biting down. Biting down hard enough to pinch.

“NO!” I insisted shaking my head and reaching for his hand, the hand he had pressed into my collarbone at the base of my neck. The hand he was using to force me to stay down. His eyes going cold even as his smile widened.

“I’d think again really carefully before you open that pretty little pout unless it’s to suck my cock. You understand?” he warned me as he used his other hand to squeeze my wrists as he smiled at me.

I nodded my head. He was…What did he want from me? Why did he…? 

“Roll over,” he told me again his body weight leaving as I looked up at him, “Show me that beautiful pussy sexy boy.”

I hadn’t…it’s weird to talk about sex positions. Weird to think about how different they feel. The last person to rape me while I laid on my stomach had been Josh. Daddy J. I had been mostly passed out, but I could remember how it felt. How he felt way too big for my body, how it hurt, him moving somewhere deep inside me causing sharp pains to rip up and down my stomach. How eventually the pain had gotten so intense my body couldn’t process it anymore. 

The idea that my uncle wanted to do that to me for no reason, scaring me. Making me want to beg him to just not…not do it. Not force me like that. His fist slamming up against the side of my head by my left ear making my ear ring and my vision double for a few minutes as I turned my face into the mattress to protect myself. To protect my face just like he must have known I would.

Him laughing lightly as I tried and failed to curl myself into the fetal position on instinct. As my ass naturally elevated itself off the bed him reaching under me and grabbing my legs hard, pulling them open while my body weight still rested on them before he smacked my ass lightly.

“Good boy,” he muttered into the base of my neck grabbing my hips hard forcing them upward, making my whole-body curve into his, “That’s my sexy boy.”

At that point, I knew I wouldn’t be able to fight him. I wouldn’t be able to stop him from getting what he wanted from me. That it didn’t matter what Lionel had told him he could do he was going to do whatever he wanted if I said anything to Lionel I would be the one to get in trouble. I would be the one who Sergei climbed on top of.

“I’m not. I’m dirty,” whimpered more to myself than to him as he made a grunting sound, as he moved on top of me.

“You can be both. My dirty sexy boy huh? You want it, don’t you? That’s why Daddy calls you his little cock slut because that hole was made to fit a cock. It begs for it,” he said sliding two lubed fingers into me.

It felt way too…intense. Him hitting something hard and deep repeatedly. It didn’t hurt but it felt way too intense my eyes trying to roll each time he pushed his fingers in him moaning happily as he pulled out. I remember feeling like I was on the verge of tears that I was already crying my throat feeling tight as I tried to keep myself from shaking. Tried to avoid moving at all.

“Haven’t had a good deep fuck since you made that video huh baby?” he asked me before I felt him push in hard causing me to whimper, “Yeah that’s it. Give it to me. I’ll hit that spot every time until you mewl like a kitten. Pound into that bitch. Tell me you want it, baby. Tell me you want it.”

I didn’t want it. I wanted to scream, I wanted to claw. Him brushing against that spot making me lose my air for a second.

“Come on baby, cum for me,” he moaned pushing himself so far in and I could feel his balls against my back, “That’s it, baby. Tell me you want it. Tell me you want it baby boy come on. Your p…oh shit yes!”

My whole body had jerked as he had hit against something in a very intense way his whole arm wrapping around my waist as he used his other to start jacking me off. I wanted him to stop my whole body feeling hot like it was blushing, like everything I was, was blushing. Like it was …my whole body tensing up as I tried to keep still as he started thrusting harder the sound of skin slapping against skin echoing around the room as he grunted behind me.

“…pl…please…,” I begged.

I wanted him to stop. I wanted…anything to make him stop this wasn’t ok. I didn’t want …he was hurting me but not at the same time. This wasn’t…

“Say you want my cum. Say you want me to come inside. Call me daddy,” he moaned biting the back of my earlobe.

All I managed was a squeak. I wanted him to stop. I was begging him to stop and he was just…My whole body went rigid as he hit against that spot my eyes blinking, my whole body feeling fireworks as I orgasmed. Him letting out a loud grunt as that warm spray coated my insides. As he came inside me. Pulling out before he had finished me feeling it land on my backside, on my crack.

“So perfect baby. Always so perfect,” he told me as I felt him pull off me, pushing me onto my side.

I sighed heavily, pushing to get up but he grabbed my arm looking at me and shaking his head. He didn’t want me to leave. He didn’t…care that I wanted to leave because he wasn’t done with me even though I had been done before he had even started.  
“Don’t look at me like that,” he said, “I said I was going to enjoy all of you.”

The way he said it, the tone in his voice made it sound like that was his obvious plan. That I was being stupid for trying to leave when he hadn’t used his mouth on me. That I was there just for that reason and the rest was just…extra I guess.

“You kno…” I started but he shook his head some more clicking his tongue at me.

“What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. And who do you think he’ll blame? Are you looking to get gang banged again in front of Tony and his crew?” he asked me.

No. No, I wasn’t. If the guys at school hadn’t seen the video yet it was only a matter of time before they did. Before everyone knew. Did I want another video under my belt so soon already? No, I didn’t. I shook my head.

“That’s what I thought. You know how this goes. Run your hands through my hair, moan. Let me know how good it feels,” he told me.

He grabbed my chin gently looking closely at me. Frowning as he looked into my face, my eyes. Almost like something wasn’t satisfying to him.

“Don’t be like that baby boy. I love you. I just want you to know it. Don’t look at me like you’ve lost something. Especially when it’s something you never had,” he told me as he laid down next to me his head level with my belly button.

Why didn’t he understand? Why didn’t any of them understand? He’d been like I was once. Where …where someone’s spit and cum was always all over his skin, making him feel dirty, gross. He had to remember what it felt like. How badly it hurt and yet he…he didn’t care. None of them cared.

He blew me. He blew me until I felt like I couldn’t breathe until I was half passed out my body hitting orgasm three or four times. I remember barely being able to keep my eyes open. Everything feeling sore even when my body couldn’t stay taunt anymore everything just feeling…

“Come on, baby on your back, just spread your legs,” he cooed.

I shook my head. I didn’t want to anymore and I couldn’t understand why he did. Why any of them did. Especially when I was such a slut. The last thing I wanted was to…

“I’ll force you. You don’t want bruises there. Not when he’s going to see you Friday. Not unless you want him thinking you’re messing around. I work for him. You think he’d believe I’d lie to him? If I say we didn’t fuck, we didn’t fuck. He’s going to know you’re stepping out on him the moment Daddy says he didn’t either. Those sweet little bruises up and down your outer thighs. So, I would think very carefully before you use that leg strength to try and lock me out because it’s not going to be enough. I can see it in your eyes, even you know you’ll never be strong enough. So, you might as well just give me what I want. What’s one more round of my man milk in your pussy?”

He was right. I wasn’t strong enough. Even before the first round, I wasn’t strong enough and I more than knew it. I had no choice. I sighed loosening my muscles spreading my legs and he smiled kissing my neck.

“Now this…this is making love,” he said sliding himself back into me my body shuddering. 

I was beyond exhausted. He hit up against something an involuntary sound escaping.

“That’s it, baby. Let me know it feels good. Let me make you feel good,” he said my eyes going wide as I tried to keep myself from making noise from moaning as he started to…use me, “You don’t moan I’ll make you scream.” He warned me.

I wanted to be done. I didn’t want to cry but I remember being so tired and yet so angry at myself all at once for crying. For crying like a little bitch but I was so tired my body started to tighten up again even though I didn’t have anything left. Even though my whole body hurt.

When he finished he pressed hard kisses into my neck, my collarbone. “Once you relax you’re always so good at that. Doing exactly what I need. How are you so good at that?” he asked me.

I didn’t know. I had no idea I just knew I was disgusting. That my body had…that I had, my insides feeling wet and raw my whole body screaming at me to just…to give up. To just give up. Almost as bad as when those cameras were in my face. 

“If you were smart you’d get dressed now. Go upstairs. I’m sure Connor’s waiting to talk to you,” he muttered at me before he rolled over. Ignoring me like I was no longer there.

I did as I was told. I got dressed. Putting my dress pants and undershirt back on and carrying the rest of my clothes in my arms. When I stepped off the lift the clock read 7:30 Debbie shutting the Nursey door behind her staring at me.

“Oh Will…” she said trailing off.

I ignored her walking past her. It wasn’t like she’d stopped him. So why did she care? It wasn’t like it was one of the babies. Or Mike, or James. It was just me. And, I wasn’t anyone. I went into my room and dropped my clothes on the floor James jumping slightly as I did so where he was reading in my bed.

“You should be asleep. Go to your room,” I muttered.

“Willy?” he asked me, “Willy? What’…”

“Just go,” I insisted.

“Please Willy?” James begged me, “I don…”

“James,” I barely managed, “I’m…I’m begging you to just go. I c…” I trailed off.

He frowned at me watching me. My heart breaking. I needed to …I needed to be alone though. I couldn’t deal with him. Not when I was too dirty to touch him. When I didn’t deserve to touch him, to have him worry about me or comfort me. Not when I was just a cock slut.

He got up and left me having to shut the door behind him before I made it into the bathroom. I didn’t even hesitate. I went straight for the box cutter under the sink taking it to my right wrists. Cutting repeatedly into my skin leaving yellow angry strips as the upper layer of my dermis parted leaving a light layer of fat exposed in four different places before I climbed in the shower.

When the water hit it, I remember crying out. It was the first time I ever felt that sharp sting a jolt going through my body. Instantly causing me to reawaken. The feeling making me temporally forget my self-pity and loathing. It helped me remember my anger. Anger that I was just an object to them. That I wasn’t a person. That these little people I was responsible for weren’t people to them either. That was the only reason Hank was already poking his head around was because just like Da had admitted, to him we were property.

His to trade, to barter. To abuse and pass out. And I could accept that, or I could fight but, I had to be smart about it. I had to remember to be smart about it.


	60. Chapter 60

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will's week continues. He is bullied and harassed at school while he tries to hold it together and not lose his mind. He suffers an injury.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1493 to 1538 So a big chapter. I just want to push through this. I have to start work soon so, there's that too. A lot going on **Warnings: Mental health issues, bullying, sexual harassment, grooming, self-injury, anxiety, talk of sexual abuse, talk of rape**

Before I went to bed I bandaged myself. It wasn’t the best first aide job ever, but it was good enough. Good enough for me. I didn’t care about the scars it would leave. That was the least of my worries.

I knew I didn’t have to see Wallace when I went to school that day at least not in a classroom setting. But, I did have other things I had to worry about. Like if Hank and Uncle Ben would come over while we were gone. If Da decided I hadn’t been punished enough or worse yet if Uncle Ben got mad at me for some reason if he would say anything to Lionel about…the night before.

There were so many things to worry about. Too many things. The bus ride leaving me numb even though I felt bits of paper and rocks pelting my back. My brain on over drive, the anxiety moving under my skin like a living thing. Like something that was trying to squeeze me to death from the inside out.

I walked past everyone and right into the school. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to talk to them. I just didn’t know what I would say. “Hey guys, I got raped last night, what about you?” I mean…what is there to say? I felt like my life was falling apart and I had no one to stand there with me. Not really.

I went into the classroom and sat down in a seat. Father Cadrick’s class. Today I supposed we would learn something because yesterday we hadn’t, but he also hadn’t assigned us seats. He proclaimed that we were old enough we shouldn’t need them. That if we couldn’t conduct ourselves appropriately then we needed to go and explain to the head master why. No one wanted to explain anything to the head master.

Not every father was a part of the brotherhood and honestly Father Cadrick didn’t seem like the type at all, so I wasn’t worried about him. He was old and crumpled almost like a piece of paper someone had been displeased with and scrunched into a ball before throwing it away. He didn’t use a walker, but you could tell in a matter of years he would be. His ear hair longer than the hair on his head with his bottle cap glasses too big for his face. He didn’t seem like a bad guy he was just peculiar looking.

The next person to come into the classroom was someone I was expecting. Danny. Danny smiling at me as he came in.

“How was your first day back Harem boy?” he asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t want to cause a scene. I didn’t want to be called Harem boy but, it was better than cunt. Or slut. It was better than a lot of things.

“Heard your old man pimped you out. Is that true? That he lined up every big cock that wanted a ride and let them stuff your hole full of cum while he recorded it?” Danny asked me my eyes going wide just because of the fact he was asking me that in the middle of a classroom at school.

“My Da didn’t do that,” was the only response I could manage.

“Not your Dad your boyfriend Harem boy. We all know. You realize that, right? The leader’s special boy. His Harem boy. Last year you see…it was a rumor but now…now everyone knows. You know how many guys are going to be chasing your tail just because they want to see what’s so special about you that he chose you? I don’t think you’re my type but if he offered me a ride I might take a whirl,” he said his hand reaching out like he was about to touch me.

“Don’t,” I said jerking back and tipping my chair over hitting my head hard on the floor so hard the room started spinning as Danny laughed.

“Don’t worry I’m not stupid. Everyone knows whatever you’re hiding is invite only and you’re not the one handing out invitations,” he said before he stepped on my hand as he walked to the back of the room and took a seat just as the bell rang.

I tried to get up, but something felt wrong the room still spinning my eyes unable to focus. The next thing I heard were shouts. Ted coming up to me and grabbing for my hand. After that I have pieced together what happened by talking to people. Ted mostly but, it’s hard to recall like looking at it through fog. Head injuries tend to do that to you though and I had hit my head hard the impact making my head feel like it was vibrating or buzzing as the room moved around me. As the world moved around me.

“Will, Will what happened?” he asked me as everyone else started filing into the room a couple of people gasping as Ted finally got me into a sitting position.

“GET AWAY FROM HIM NOW MR. LARKIN! NOW!” Father Cadrick’s voice rang out, “No one touch him. In fact, I want everyone out of the room and out in the hallway.”

That’s when I felt it. Something wet. It was dripping down the back of my neck. When I pulled my hand away it was bright red. I was bleeding. I had hit my head so hard I was bleeding Father Cadrick sighing heavily as he looked at me.

“What happened son?” he asked me his face a frown of worry as he looked at me.

“He was leaning back in his chair and he fell backwards,” Danny told him, “I was here.”

“He that true Mr. McGregor?” he asked me.

It wasn’t a lie. I had fallen backwards because I had jerked, jumped in fear. Because I had been afraid Danny was going to touch me and the last thing I wanted was to be touched. Especially after what had happened the night before. What Uncle Ben had made me do.

My neck felt heavy. Heavy in a weird way where I no longer wanted to sit up, but I wanted to lay down. Father Cadrick looking at me closely before he spoke, “I have to call the head master. Mr. Larkin how about you escort him to the nurse’s office?”  
The nurses office? Did he mean to Father Caraway? Where Head master Watson had…no. I didn’t want to go there. 

“I’m fine,” I managed to mumble as Ted helped me up.

“You’re no…,” Teddy started to argue with me.

“Get him out of here before he bleeds on the floor even more. I’ll tell Father Caraway you’re coming. That he needs to pay special attention because it’s a head injury,” Father Cadrick said dismissing us as Teddy helped me out the door and we started walking down the hallway.

“You’re bleeding all over the place,” Teddy pointed out, “And yet, you want everyone to believe you are fine?”

“It’s a head wound,” I told him, “They bleed a lot.”

“Your eyes were doing this weird bobblehead thing for a minute there. So, I think you at the very least have a concussion,” Ted told me.

“I know I do,” I agreed.

“So…did you really fall? Or did Danny push you?” he asked me.

“I really fell,” I admitted, “I just. He scared me.”

“Danny? Danny scared you?” Teddy asked nearly snorting in disbelief.

“I didn’t want to be touched. He reached out like he wa…”

“Woah, wait he was going to…you know…?” Teddy trailed off looking at me.

“No, not like that. He reached his hand out like …he was going to grab my arm or my face maybe and I…I don’t want to be touched,” I repeated.

“Bad night?” he asked me to which I nodded my head.

“Ok,” he said, “I’ll ask Father Caraway if I can stay with you until they decide what to do. If you want me to. If you think it will help.”

“That would be nice,” I told him quietly, “Thank you.”

“No problem,” he said holding onto my elbow to steer me into the nurse’s office.

“Mr. McGregor. I heard you were on your way. Let me…oh dear,” he said as I removed my hand from the back of my neck, “Yes, we’re going to have to call EMS to come and pick you up. I’ll be calling your father afterward to notify him of what has happened. Mr. Larkin, you can go back to class.”

“I was hoping I could wait with him. Just until the EMT’s get here. Please? He’s my friend,” Teddy asked him quietly.

“I suppose it won’t hurt anything,” Father Caraway agreed, “Wait right here.”

He walked over to the phone Teddy and I talking quietly.

“So, he didn’t try to hurt you? At all. You swear?” Teddy asked me.

\- “He stepped on my hand after I fell,” I told him.

“That won’t get him in trouble,” Teddy said, “Did he say anything?”

I shrugged my shoulders. He had said that while I wasn’t his type if Lionel offered him the chance he would rape me. Just to see what it felt like. The idea making me feel nauseous. That Danny probably really was a tracker. 

I hadn’t met a tracker yet that wasn’t like them, the handlers. They all seemed to be cut from the same sick and twisted cloth. That’s probably why the whole thing started to begin with though. Teddy didn’t need to know about what Danny had said to me though. After all, for all I knew if it got out I would be the one in trouble. In trouble for talking about those things at school in a place where I shouldn’t be.

“Did he threaten you in any way? If you did that could get him in huge trouble. Papa has pull at school. You know that. He can get him transferred out of class or worse if he did threaten you,” Ted pointed out.

“It’s fine Ted,” I told him, “I’m fine.”

“You’re…,” Teddy sighed as he stopped himself his nostrils flaring, “If you’re fine, truly fine, then why did you ignore everyone this morning?”

“I couldn’t think of anything to say,” I told him shrugging my shoulders.

That was the truth. At that moment I really couldn’t. There wasn’t much to say a small knock on the door as we turned to look at Father Caraway who pointed at us Headmaster Watson rushing over.

“Let me see, my child,” he muttered before he looked closely at me grabbing a white towel off the counter next to where we were sitting, “You should be on a cot. Come along.”

I didn’t want to go anywhere with him. The last time he had gotten me on a cot…my whole body shaking slightly as I tried not to think about that. That feeling. What he had…

“Will, I’m right here,” Teddy told me, “He won’t do anything. I promise.”

“Of course, I wouldn’t,” Headmaster Watson said not even seeming fazed by the conversation, “I’m not allowed to anyway. Let me just…” he pressed the towel to the back of my head as I tensed up under his touch hissing slightly as he applied pressure to my wound.

“I’ve got it, Headmaster,” Ted said grabbing the towel from him and holding it there instead.

“It looks bad enough you may need stitches. Your Father is sending someone to meet you at the hospital. Unfortunately, we must make an accident report. Can you tell me exactly what happened? I want complete honesty.” Headmaster Watson told me.  
“I was sitting in the classroom. I think I must have leaned back in my chair and I fell backward. Then everyone was coming into the room,” I answered simply.

“That’s not what happened,” Teddy said shaking his head, “Danny was there, remember?”

Had Danny been there? I didn’t…maybe he had been. It felt weird. Everything felt weird.

“You told me he was there,” Teddy said frowning at me when there was another knock on the door to the nurse’s office two guys walking in one pushing a gurney behind the other.

“EMS,” the guy said, “Is this our kid?”

“Yes. This is William McGregor I’m the headmaster. He’s a pupil,” Headmaster Watson answered.

“Hey Will, is it?” The guy asked me, “Son, how about you move out of the way and let me take a look at that… “ he said looking at Teddy and smiling, “Ok now this might feel weird but I’m just going to take a look at this..” he said moving the towel slowly away from my head.

“Oh yeah,” he said nodding his head, “Probably a good 10 stitches here. Ok, do you remember what happened?”

“He just contradicted himself,” Teddy said.

“What do you mean?” The EMS guy asked Ted.

“Well, he said that someone was in the room with him when he was first asked about what happened and now all of the sudden he was in the room alone,” Ted said.

“Ok. Will can you look right at my nose, please? Don’t move your eyes just look right at my nose,” the guy said shining a light into my eyes, “Have his parents been notified?”

“Yes,” Headmaster Watson told him, “Serious?”

“Don’t worry about it. Can you tell me your full name kiddo?” he asked me.

“My full name is super long,” I told him.

“Is that like a British thing or…never mind. Why don’t you just try it? We’ll ask your parents how close you got ok? Just let me have it.

“William …,” I shook my head. I didn’t want to think about him. About Arthur.

“William what? Did you already get stuck?” the guy asked me.

“No, he hurt my friend,” I mumbled.

“Who did?” he asked me.

“Arthur. That’s my first middle name. I don’t want to share a name with him,” I remember saying. Just vaguely before I realized what I was saying.

“Ok well, you have more than one middle name?” he coaxed me to keep talking.

“Caleb, Henry, McGregor,” I finished saying my name.

“Do you know your birthday?” he asked me.

“March 3rd of 1988 I think,” I answered.

“You think?” he asked, and I nodded my head flinching lightly as the room bounced.

“Tender?” he asked me.

“Yeah, what’s …,” I started to ask before he interrupted me.

“Don’t worry about it, it’s ok,” he tried to assure me, “Hey Steve you want to help me…”

“Yeah, hey man. I’m Steve. I’m going to be putting this cervical collar on you just to make sure we don’t injure your head anymore while we’re in the bus on the way to the hospital so if you could just lay back…” he said coming at me a neck brace in his hands.

Lay back? He wanted me to…

“I don’t…please…,” I started to beg.

“I think he’s just confused,” Headmaster Watson said.

“Where’s …no, no…,” I shook my head the whole room moving faster and faster.

“You need to calm down,” the one named Steve said giving the other guy a look.

“Hey,” Ted said getting my attention, “They aren’t going to hurt you. Ok?”

“They want me to…”

“I know what they want but I need you to listen to me very carefully before you get yourself in trouble,” Ted said, “They aren’t going to hurt you. They are going to help you and they just want to make sure things aren’t getting worse. You remember how we talked about you had a concussion? Well, I think that’s starting to kick in, so you need to breathe and try to remember I said this ok? You need to be calm and you need to not talk about anything that you shouldn’t. Do you understand?”

“They are trying to help,” I said.

“That’s right. How about you lie back,” he said as Steve gently pushed down on my shoulder, “Lay back. There you go and let him put the cervical brace on. You won’t be able to move your head but right now that’s a good thing.”

“Can you tell us who the president of the US is right now?” Steve asked me as I went to go shake my head and find I couldn’t move.

“I don’t remember,” I told him trying to figure out why he was asking me that.

“Ok we’re going to transfer you to the gurney now and we’re on our way. Waverly’s medical,” he said, “Do you know where that is?”

“I think so,” I answered.

“Can you tell us how to get there from the school?” The other EMT asked me as they lifted me quickly and set me down on the gunnery before everything started moving.

“Woah,” I think I muttered because one of them looked at me and gave me a small smile making my chest feel tight, making me feel like I had done something wrong.

“It’s ok. It’s a bit of a strange ride and I bet you already feel pretty dizzy, don’t you?” He asked me.

“Huh ah,” I said, “What did I hit my head on?”

“You didn’t tell us that. From what we got in the report it says you fell so I’m assuming the floor,” Steve told me.

“The floor. And I’m bleeding because I…hit my head on the floor,” I muttered.

“That’s right,” The other EMT said as the sun suddenly got brighter, as everything got brighter forcing me to close my eyes before it got darker again.

After that, I don’t remember much. At that point, Teddy was gone so I don’t have a lot of recall even though I’m sure they did everything they were supposed to. Kept me talking, got me to the ER and made sure someone was on the way to take care of me.  
They took me to the ER and sewed up the gash in my skull. Alice said that she sat there with me until well past dinner time because I was showing slow reactivity in my pupils which was one of the reasons why they had been so quick to get me to the hospital and out of the school building after they had done an onsite exam. Once my pupil reactivity was normal I was released, and everyone was told to watch me carefully and let me rest.

I don’t remember eating dinner that night, but I don’t remember much about that night even to this day besides being in the shower. It had to have been early. It didn’t seem like there was any light and then I looked at my arms. My left wrists having one or two slashes to match the four on my right. I remember feeling odd looking at it. Wondering how a concussion could do that. Could make me cut myself or if it had been something else. Or if I had just wanted to.

It took me a while to shake off the eeriness of it before I climbed out of the tub and bandaged myself and went back to sleep no one with me. The next time I woke up my alarm was going off. It was Wednesday, and I had a headache, but I knew Da probably wouldn’t let me stay home from school.

As I was getting dressed I looked at my wrists my stomach sinking as I noticed. Why hadn’t I noticed them in the shower? Where had… I looked at the four neat rows of stitches on my right wrists. The total being 17.

There was no way Lionel wouldn’t hear about it. Not if my Da knew and the fact that they had been stitched told me that he probably did. The idea making me wonder what my next punishment would be. I was beyond in trouble if it was Lionel punishing me. I might as well be dead if it was him punishing me.

I remember being scared. Not being able to breathe as I pulled my clothes on. I had to use my inhaler at the bus stop rushing to get off the bus. Rushing past my friends once again and over to John’s old hiding place where I found some of the older boys standing around. John’s friend’s An Asian Guy hanging off Cole’s shoulders as he smoked a cigarette.

“Hey Will, how is school going?” Pat asked me.

I hadn’t really seen them since the Wednesday before school started. Since the day I got home from the Villa. It wasn’t unusual because they were older, and John wasn’t around. He was still hospitalized but, I hadn’t really thought of them either. I had been too stressed. 

I almost felt jealous watching them. Watching that Asian guy hug Cole from behind as he smoked before he turned to look when Pat said my name.

“Hello?” The Asian guy said in accented English as he let go of Cole, “I am Tosh. You are?”

“Babe this is Will,” Cole said smiling as he reached behind him caressing Tosh’s cheek with his right hand, “I told you about him, remember?”

“Ah,” Tosh said nodding his head and giving me a warm smile, “It is very nice to meet you, Will.”

“Are you ok?” Pat asked me as I shrugged my shoulders.

“Do you want to talk to me about something?” Cole asked me.

I wondered what Tosh would think if I said I wanted to talk to Cole alone my face starting to feel warm. What if he thought I was hitting on Cole? What if Cole had told Tosh that I had asked him not once but twice if he would…and he had turned me down because of Tosh. Because I was too young he said.

“Babe,” Cole said kissing Tosh’s cheek before he whispered something in his ear Tosh nodding his head.

“Come on,” Cole said stepping outside of the bushes where they all hid, “It’s ok. You know I don’t bite.” 

I knew he didn’t but…what if he hadn’t talked to me because he hated me. Because he wasn’t really my friend at all but John’s. Because John wasn’t around he didn’t want to be around me because I was just John’s stupid kid brother. John’s stupid kid brother that reminded him of things he didn’t want to think about.

“It’s ok Will,” Cole said frowning at me in worry, “What’s going on?”

“It’s stupid,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “I’m sor…”

“Nothing you have to say is stupid,” Cole assured me, “What’s going on?”

“I…I hit my head yesterday at school. I’m ok,” I assured him before he had a chance to speak, “The night before though I ...I cut myself. I noticed the morning that I don’t just have stitches on the back of my head bu…”

“NO!” Cole said in an exaggerated whisper, “No kid.”

“What…what’s he …” I said feeling my whole body shaking wondering what Lionel was going to do to me. What he was going to make me do when he found out.  
“Me it was…I can’t even remember honestly. I only ever attempted to once though and after that, it was blow. Every time it was blow unless I needed to wind down then it was a downer, a benzo. He made me do something with these two kids and when I refused he took out a knife and said that if I didn’t he would cut them like I insisted on cutting myself. I was his property and so were they and if I wasn’t going to do what I was told he’d make them suffer so…I did what I had to. It wasn’t fun, but I survived. I’ve always survived. Even just barely sometimes but, here I am. Why did you do it?”

I shrugged my shoulders. What was I supposed to say about it? That I was dirty. That I wanted whatever made them want me to be gone, I wanted to drain it away. I wanted to…I shook my head again.

“Ok,” he said.

I wasn’t sure if he said that because he didn’t know what else to say or because he understood without me having to say a word, but he gave me a small nod and patted my shoulder gently to comfort me.

“I want my brother,” I mumbled feeling like I was going to cry just saying the words.

“I know,” Cole told me, “And I’m sure he misses you. I suggest you try not to hurt yourself anymore. Just, try to find another way.”

“I don’t know,” I told him shrugging my shoulders, “I can’t…all I feel is them, all I see when I close my eyes anymore is them. When someone touches me all I feel…”

“I’m sorry,” Cole told me, “Maybe try to find someone to talk to? I know I haven’t been around since…but considering some stuff it’s probably better to keep my distance. At least for now, ok?”

“Why because I…”

“YES!” he said in a harsh whisper, “Look, you know how I feel about you. I know you do but I’m with Tosh. I’m too old for you. So, if staying away helps you, us get over this mutual crush we have that’s what I’ll do. I won’t. I refuse to.”

“You keep saying that!” I said shaking my head, “You…he’s older than you are and if I let him…” I trailed off. 

“Wait, what? Who? Will…if you’re thinking of getting involved with someone else I am going to strongly emphasize that an…”

“I’m not,” I told him shaking my head, “I’m in 7th year.”

“I keep thinking you’re in 6th. So, you have a mentor?” he asked me, and I nodded my head, “So what he’s hitting on you?”

Had Wallace hit on me? He’d dry humped me. I’d say that went beyond hitting on me. He had made it very clear what he wanted from me. What he was hoping he’d be able to get from me.

I shrugged my shoulders not sure what to say. Not sure if I wanted to talk about it at all. I mean I had to meet with him in less than two hours so why would I want to think or talk about him?

“Can you tell me who it is?” he asked me.

“It’s best if you stay away so why do you care?” I asked him.

“Don’t give me that,” Cole said rolling his eyes at me, “I still care about you I just want that to fade away and with time it will.”

What was so wrong with me that he wanted to be with Tosh and not with me? Was it really because I was young and his boy or was it something else. Either way I was done with this, with Cole. I didn’t…I couldn’t. Not with everything else. I needed John. I didn’t need Cole or Pat.

With that, I shook my head and walked away.

“Wait!” Cole called after me but didn’t follow the bell for the upper school ringing while the middle school still had 20 minutes before class started. I walked back out to the front of the building to where Todd, Finn and Teddy were still standing around talking.

“Hey, I saw you,” Teddy told me, “Where did you go?”

“I had a question,” I answered, “I thought Cole could answer it.”

“You do realize you can ask me things about him?” Teddy said looking at me, “I’ve dealt with him more than anyone.”

“What are we talking about?” Todd asked us frowning.

“I cut myself. Have you ever cut yourself? Do you know what he’s going to do to me when he finds out?” I asked Todd straight up.

“OH!” Todd said in understanding, “Why are you cutting yourself?”

“Todd,” Finn said giving him a tired stare before he looked at me, “Don’t cut yourself.”

“That’s rich,” I muttered under what I thought was my breath.

“Excuse me?” he asked me.

“It’s him, it’s both of them. And my Uncle and I can’t…I need a break. I need whatever it is that’s making them want me to go away. Do you know how to do that?”

“Will…,” Finn trailed off.

“Hey,” Todd said looking at me, “You want to go somewhere and just like Chill for a few minutes? Just the two of us?”

I didn’t know what to say. Finn was Wallace’s brother. And Teddy was…did I really want to deal with this with them? When it was their family members who were making my life hell? One of them was the one who had taken away the people I needed most. So, did I…? I nodded my head.

“Cool,” Todd said, “We’ll be back shortly guys ok?”

“Yeah,” Finn said as Teddy nodded his head silently both of their faces contorted with worry.

I could feel Todd’s hand hovering behind my back like he wanted to put his hand on my shoulder but, he wasn’t. He wasn’t because I hadn’t told him that he could. That he could touch me. He was respecting that boundary.

“A little better?” he asked me after we had walked over to an empty bench around the side of the building and sat down.

I nodded my head not sure what to say. I knew it wasn’t their fault and that they should be a resource for me but when I looked at them sometimes all I saw…was their family members. It made it harder to connect with them when that’s what I was afraid of. When that’s a part of what was causing the problem.

“It’s because It’s their family. You find it hard to talk to them, so you feel you have to bottle it all up?” Todd asked me hitting the nail right on the head causing me to nod in agreement, “I understand how that feels. It’s…it makes things harder. Even if you weren’t really friends anymore it would make things harder.”

“Julian?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah, a part of it,” he admitted, “After you left a lot of stuff happened. We were best friends from the time we were five. I didn’t …even though he said all those things about Ted I thought he was starting to work away from it. He seemed to be calming down a little bit and then around valentine’s day we both…we both got contracted. Our first ones. He started hating me and then…” Todd trailed off.

“It’s ok,” I said even though I was worried about what he was trying to say but whatever it was, it was important for him to get it out, “Take your time.”

“My contract holder is Sam. Sam Rodgers. Still,” Todd admitted, “Julian’s dad. He made us have…at first, it was almost like he hated me for it and then my family went on vacation over spring break. Up to Michigan to visit my grandparents at their cabin. Dad took Anna Rick and me and made Devon stay here. I don’t think my grandparents even know about Devon. Julian started emailing me. Every day we were there just about, and it seemed like normal at first. Just Julian being Julian and then he sent some pictures. And it…I tried to avoid him after that.

When we got home my dad made me spend the weekend. It was a part of a deal they made I guess. Julian told me he …that I was…,” Todd took a deep breath, “I told him he’s my best friend that I didn’t want to do that with him. That I didn’t like him like that and then he …he hasn’t been very nice.”

“I’m sorry,” I told Todd.

“It’s ok. It changed everything though. It being Sam. I like to think we’d still be friends if it hadn’t of been Sam. If it was someone else.”

“Is contracting normal at this point?” I asked him.

“Most people don’t get their first contract until they are 12 or 13, yeah,” Todd admitted.

“So, all of you are going through what I’m going through?” I asked him.

“You mean having our face plastered all over the internet while someone rams us?” Todd asked me even causing me to smile a little bit at how dirty it sounded, “No, not exactly but, we’re being rammed regularly after going to the movies with some old dude. Usually at least 20 years older than we are. So, there’s that. We have that in common.”

“And it’s your best…your former best friends Dad,” I said.

“Yep,” Todd told me, “The way I try to separate, or I did was to think that it’s not him until it was. Sam isn’t Julian. Finn isn’t Wallace. I know Wallace isn’t doing those things to you but, he wants to. You’re his type.”

“I’m everyone’s type,” I said feeling numb as I said it because if I allowed myself to feel anything I would have started crying.

“That’s not true but, I’ll be honest,” he told me, “It’s a genetic thing. Lighter hair and eyes give a more youthful appearance for longer. The men around us are attracted to younger…they’re attracted to us to begin with, right? Otherwise, they wouldn’t…anyway. Your hair and eye color are just drawing a bigger pool of creeps because it gives off the impression that you’re younger and more helpless than you really are.”

I hadn’t thought about it that way. I didn’t feel like I was younger looking than I really was. I was actually taller than most boys my age. Uncle Ben had said my body was changing, seemed excited about it even when I had come back. The fact that he couldn’t keep his hands off me just reinforced that idea. That he liked what was happening to my body, how it was changing. How I was growing.  
“How do you deal with Sam?” I asked him.  
“I close my eyes and do what he tells me. And then I hope he’ll leave me alone. He doesn’t hurt. Not really the weirdest and most horrible thing he’s done is smack my ass. Repeatedly. Like it’s some fucking drum. It’s ok to laugh,” Todd told me when I smiled lightly.  
“They’re mean to me,” I told him, “My Uncle doesn’t even care about what Lionel says. He does whatever he wants. Even if Lionel tells him not to do something, that he’s not allowed to he will. He’ll …make me…he’ll do it without condoms. He’ll use his mouth even after Lionel has told him he doesn’t want him to. He’ll …he hurts. He says things. And then every other person that co…” 

“It’s ok,” Todd said as I hid my face in my hands, “Just let it out. It’s ok.”

“It’s not ok. It’s fucking stupid,” I managed to mumble, “It’s fucking stupid that I can’t…”

“That you can’t what? Not cry about it? Will you have a lot of people making life very hard for you. I just have two and I feel like I’m a mess every second of every day. You just came back from a taste of a normal life to this. To being …not even considered human. I don’t have to watch Julian or Sam look at me like that every other day. My dad barely pays attention to me. He has Devon. I’m lucky, ok? He’s into young kids. Really young kids. To him, I’m just there to change diapers if he wants help at this point.

I’m there to keep his membership. He has a Daddy and me group he holds every Monday and it’s…it’s disgusting. Kids six and under. He makes Anna and I stay in our rooms, usually mine and I turn up the TV. I don’t even want to know what they are doing but I know it’s sick. I don’t even have to worry about what’s happening to me at home and your uncle, he lives with you and you just admitted it yourself. He doesn’t leave you alone. And you know where I’m left to take care of Anna and Ricky? I also have to do my best to take care of Devon and make sure he has someone in his life who loves him and doesn’t want to do that to him. So, I understand that boat too. I get it. Sometimes you just have to let it out ok?”

“It’s stupid,” I said finally managing to dry my tears, “It’s fucking stupid. I should be able to do this.”

“Do what? Handle being eye-fucked by every other person that looks at you? No, no you shouldn’t have to be able to do that. That isn’t something you should be able to do. Taking care of God, how many siblings do you have other than the older one?”  
“9,” I answered.

“You shouldn’t be able to take care of nine younger siblings mostly on your own. Those are things you shouldn’t be able to do and shouldn’t have to do and yet…you’re holding it together pretty damn good. Better than I would be,” Todd told me.

“Really?” I asked him.

Was I really holding it together? Because I kind of felt like I was falling apart. Like everything was falling apart. Like John would never come home or mum. That when they did they wouldn’t be them anymore. That Cole was…Cole was avoiding me to keep himself out of trouble and he didn’t want to be with me because I was just some stupid slut even if he said otherwise. That Teddy and Finn were…I knew Finn hated Wallace but part of me wondered if eventually, he would side with him after a while and Teddy while he understood Lionel and had been his victim he wasn’t anymore. And it was different because he was related to him. I felt like everything was wrong and I had nowhere to really turn.

“Really,” Todd said looking at me, his face serious, “I mean it. I would have lost my shit long ago if I was sitting where you are. You’re doing amazing and don’t forget that, ok? If you need to swear and scream and cry a little bit, go ahead and do it. If anyone says anything about it, I’ll tell them to shut the fuck up. And Ted will too and Finn. You know they will. We’ve got your back man. Don’t worry about it.”

I nodded my head. I felt better. Hearing someone say that. Say that I was brave even if it was hard to believe. Hearing someone else say that what I was going through was hard. It made me feel more confident that I was dealing with it and dealing with it well. As well as anyone could. They were all older than I was the youngest one by a couple of months and my oldest friend by almost 2 years. However, that’s what happened when you skipped a grade. Everyone was older than you were. It made me feel better to think that at least one of them felt like they couldn’t handle what was happening to me.

“Are you feeling a little calmer?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Thanks.”

“No big deal. So…did you know we start going to mass on Wednesday this year?” Todd asked me.

“No,” I shook my head.

In the lower school and even in 6th grade we hadn’t been attending mandatory mass even though I knew that the upper school did. It was something you could hear about in the hallways especially on Wednesday. No one liked mandatory Mass but for the upper school, it was a requirement and you were graded on attendance. 

If you missed too many than it affected your whole semester grade in a negative way. Wednesday usually there was mass during school hours each age group doing mass at a different time. The oldest students were expected to come to school 40 minutes earlier than every other day of the week in order to make it to mass on time. That was the Senior and Junior classes.

The Sophomore and Freshmen were supposed to go first thing in the morning at the same time they would be having first hour. I was in the middle school and not the upper school, so our Mass hour was at the very end of the day.

“Well it’s after Gym instead of having an hour and a half for gym we have a half hour and spend the hour at Mass,” Todd told me.

“Why don’t they ship us right off to Mass?” I asked confused.

“Attendance I think,” Todd answered shrugging his shoulders as the bell rang.

“Are you ready for Father Bellington this afternoon?” Todd asked me.

“No,” I shook my head answering honestly, “I don’t want to…”

“Did he do something bad?” Todd asked me.

“He said I was smart and attractive. That I matted,” I mumbled feeling my face turn red as I said, “I don’t matter.”

“You think he’s just trying to butter you up?” Todd asked me.

I nodded my head. He was trying to be nice, so I would let my guard down. So, I would trust him again after what he had done at the premiere, my premiere. I didn’t ever want him coming near me again. I wanted to stay as far away from him as possible. Sadly, that wasn’t far at all.

“We’ll try to stick together ok? We know they are all trackers. Every single one of us got a tracker. The best thing we can do is just try to stay where people can see us. Because I wouldn’t put it past any of them to have wandering hands,” Todd commented.  
“Wallace does,” I admitted.

“So…he did…”

“I don’t want to…”

“Ok,” Todd nodded his head in understanding, “Ok.”

I didn’t want to talk about it. It was bad enough it had happened. Let alone the fact that it was out of school. And what if Lionel found out? Wouldn’t I be the one in trouble? Just like Wallace had insinuated? I mean I was after all Lionel’s boy and I had already cheated on him once. Or at least I was positive that’s how Lionel saw my relationship with Beau. Just as me cheating on him because I was supposed to be his at the time.

“Are you going to tell Finn?” he asked me.

Why? Because it was his brother? What was the point in that? Finn knew what his brother was like. Probably better than even I did. There wasn’t any point in telling Finn about it. What was he going to do? I shook my head.

“Ok,” Todd said, “I won’t say anything, but he might want to know.”

“I don’t see why,” I said, “It’s not like he can stop him if he did do anything.”  
“Hey,” he said quietly looking at me, “I know it’s hard ok? But, what exactly happened with you? You were here one day and then you just…weren’t. And now you’re back. I know you’ve told everyone you were away for the summer and lived almost normal but what really…?”

“We escaped,” I answered putting a name to it, labeling it, “My uncle was supposed to be keeping an eye on us. Da was in New York. Mum was tired of it. Tired of John being…being raped. All of us being raped and she was scared. She was scared it was just going to keep getting worse. He’d broken her ribs because she had tried to stop him from hurting one of us. After she got better she didn’t see things ever changing so we ran away.”

“No one ever escapes. You realize that?” Todd asked me.

“I know that now. The first…” I gulped, “The first Friday I freaked out. John and Matty were already hospitalized John because his brain was just fried and Matty because he’s really sick. They almost took me too. We went to a special school for kids with emotional issues. We saw a therapist every day and then once a week as a family until Mum got her second job. Then she was gone all the time.”

“That must have been hard,” Todd said before going silent.

I shrugged my shoulders. It had been but, we had been allowed freedom. Uncle Ben hadn’t been a worry or what he would do the moment I wasn’t there to watch them. The worry of Lionel had slowly started to fade after that second Friday that was supposed to be his had passed. Things had been getting better.

“I made friends. When I didn’t have to watch everyone, I had a friend I would go hang out with. We’d go fishing. We’d camp. Some mornings we’d sit on the dock until lunchtime after John was released. We’d just talk. It was nice, different,” I muttered getting lost in the memory of the sun framing him. Of the moment I asked him if he was different. 

“A friend huh?” Todd asked me knowingly.

“I just…it was nice to be able to decide things,” I answered.

“It’s hard,” Todd agreed, “Not being able to decide. Not being sure and being afraid of what everyone…that it’s just because of them. Because of what they’ve done to you your whole life.”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “I think if it is…if it is because of them I mean, it doesn’t feel right. It feels really wrong. But, it didn’t.”

He gasped sharply looking at me. His mouth falling open in shock as he looked at me, his eyes nearly bugging out of his head.

“You…and…you mean you…” he stuttered as my face started getting red.

“I don’t. It was a mistake,” I said before the bell rang.

“Will, I’m sorry I did….”

“No!” I told him shaking my head reminding myself that was the reason why I was a slut now. Because I had done that. Because I had done that when I was supposed to be his, “It was a mistake. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Dude,” Todd said standing up at the same moment I did, “You …that’s fucking huge. And it wasn’t with…you know brotherhood it was actually with someone normal?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I repeated afraid of what would happen if Lionel found out I had told someone. Told someone about the fact that I had cheated on him, “You can’t tell anyone.”

“I won’t I swear,” Todd told me, “Can we talk more about it later?”

“I said, I don’t want to talk about it,” I insisted sternly as his face of shock finally fell away and he nodded his head as we started walking down the hall and off to our classes.

Once everyone was seated father Cadrick sighed heavily, “Nice of you to join us, Mr. McGregor. I trust everything is all right after your fall?”

“Slight concussion father,” I told him, “Otherwise the doctor says that I’m fine.”

“Good to hear,” he said nodding his head, “Now why don’t you sit in the front row center. I would like to keep an eye on you from now on.”

I nodded my head before I grabbed my books and moved to sit in the seat where he directed me. It made me nervous. People didn’t always harass me but, when they did often it was by pelting me with small objects like pieces of paper and pencil erasers. Things that wouldn’t hurt me but, just annoy me and now I was a direct a target for a few of them. 

The class seemed to go by mostly without incident even though he did give us a hefty bit of homework to work on. It was an assignment to read the first 3 chapters of the Adventures of Tom Sawyer and then fill in this page that had questions on it asking about what we had read. That way he knew we were actually reading I suppose.

When the bell rang I felt my heart drop into my stomach. Ok, so…Wallace. I had to deal with Wallace. At least I had reading to do so maybe he would leave me alone mostly. After all, that was what the class was supposed to be about. Making sure we got our coursework done and showing us good examples of what hard work looked like. 

After attendance was taken he came over to me smiling happily like he had just won some type of jackpot Todd and Finn close by as their own mentors approached us.

“Hey Will,” Wallace said like he was my best friend, “How are you?”

“I’m ok,” I answered not sure what else to say Wallace frowning slightly at my response.

“So, do you have anything you need to work on today? I was thinking we could take a dig at the hobbies section in the stacks if you weren’t,” Wal mentioned.

“I’m supposed to read the first three chapters of Tom Sawyer,” I answered quietly.

“Well, that’s…we can still use the stacks then. It’ll be quieter. Make it easier for you to concentrate. I have some stuff I need to work on as well so…

“We got the same assignment yesterday from Father Brown,” Todd said, “Maybe we should sit down at a table and work on it together? I mean I really haven’t finishe…”

“No, we’re fine,” Wallace said Finn shooting him a dirty look as the words came out of his mouth.

“Du berührst ihn, du bist verdammt tot. Du weißt, dass du keine Erlaubnis hast,” Finn muttered, (You touch him, you're fucking dead. You know you don’t have permission.)

“Um ihn zu berühren nein. Ertrunkle über ihn? Ich brauche dafür keine Erlaubnis,” Wallace answered back smiling making my insides go cold (To touch him no. To drool over him? I don’t need permission for that.)

I had no idea what they were saying but I was sure it was about me Finn sighing heavily as he looked at me, “Will do you want to work at the table with us?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Well too bad,” Wallace said reaching his hand out like he was about to grab me,” Ok.” Wallace said as I jumped back, “Sorry. I won’t touch you. I just need some quiet and we’re supposed to be working in the same area. It’s the mentor thing. So, could you please just sit where I want to sit today? We’ll sit at the table with them on Friday ok?”

“Wallace…” Finn started to say something.

“You said it yourself. And did I just put my hand on him? No, no I didn’t so please just…” Wallace sighed heavily, “Don’t make a scene kids.”

Finn shook his head as he walked away towards the table where his mentor, as well as Todd and his mentor, were already sitting down. Great. So, he was in charge. Wallace was going to be in charge. He walked me to the back area in the stacks and sat down in the middle of a book aisle on the floor patting a small space of carpet next to him as he flopped down.

I sighed. I didn’t want to sit with him. Not alone. He looked at me giving me a small sigh.

“I’m really not going to touch you again ok? Monday was a mistake. Just like…”

“Just like at the hotel?” I asked him.

“I would consider the hotel a bigger mistake on my part but, yes,” he said nodding his head.

“One more chance,” I muttered to him.

“Ok, I swore to you never without your permission. You can hold me to it ok?” he told me to which I nodded my head before I sat down leaving a couple feet of space between us.

“HOLY CRAP WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HEAD?” he asked me sounding worried, “You have like sti…”

“I fell and cracked my head yesterday in first period right before the bell rang. I was taken to hospital where they sewed me up. I went home and slept after that,” I answered.

“Are you ok? That’s a big row of stitches,” Wallace asked me like he was really concerned about it.

“I’m fine,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“No,” he said, “Seriously, are you ok?”

“It doesn’t hurt. Not really. I barely remember yesterday to be honest,” I commented.

“It sounds like a concussion,” he said.

“That’s what they told my Da,” I told him, “But I was fine enough to go home and sleep in my own bed and come to school today, so it can’t have been a bad one.”

“That’s good at least,” he said, “So what do you need to work on today?”

“I already told you, remember?” I asked.

“Right, Tom Sawyer,” he said as I nodded my head, “Well I have to do a report on Othello, so you sit here and read I guess and I’ll get to work on my…report.”

“And you promise you won’t touch me?” I asked to make sure.

“I swear,” Wallace assured me.

After that, we settled in. He didn’t touch me, he didn’t even look at me instead, choosing to focus on the notebook in his lap while I read the first few chapters of Tom Sawyer before I filled out my worksheet. He glanced at me a couple of times. I know because I was watching him out of the corner of my eye waiting for him to lie to me. To touch me because it seemed like something he would attempt but, he never did. He stayed where he was as I read and filled out my paper. By the time I was done with it I looked up to notice him watching me again.

“Why do you do that?” I asked him curiously.

“What?” he asked his eyes widening slightly as he looked at me almost like I had startled him.

“Watch me like that,” I answered.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s nothing against you,” he said, “I’m supposed to be aware in case you need help too.”

“I’m fine,” I answered, “I don’t need help.”

“You have no idea how often I’ve heard Finn say that only for us to both get into trouble when he turned in a half-finished assignment,” Wallace muttered.

“That sounds like something Matt would do. Not me,” I told him.

“One of your brothers?” he asked me giving me a small smile.

“Aye,” I said nodding my head, “He’s stubborn. About everything. He’s bossy and just a deviant in general.”

“A deviant?” Wal cocked an eyebrow at me, “You know what that means?”

“Of course, I know what that means,” I rolled my eyes at him.

“Just checking. When you say he’s a deviant you mean he doesn’t do things people would consider normal?” he asked me.

“The other night at dinner he admitted to killing a lizard because he wanted to see its guts. What else has he done recently? He attempted to molest our younger brother who is 2. He’s killed animals in the past. He has an unhealthy relationship with our brother Mike. Need I go on?” I asked him.

“How old is he?” Wallace asked me.

“Nine,” I answered.

“You sound like you don’t like him very much,” Wallace commented.

“It’s hard to when I know he wants to hurt my younger siblings. Our, our younger siblings,” I corrected myself.

“Are you sure he doesn’t just want to love them? Some kids get confused. I was for a while,” Wallace said the words making me sick.

It made me wonder how many Brotherhood members actually believed what they were doing was ok. Da seemed to believe it to a point and Lionel. Uncle Ben did too. How could…

“How can you believe something is ok when you makes you feel so gross inside?” I asked him.

“What do you mean?” he asked frowning in confusion at me, “Oh! I get it. To me, it doesn’t make me feel gross because I know that what’s going on is because my family loves me, and they want me to show them that I love them back.”

“Haven’t you ever said no?” I asked him.

“I have yes,” he said nodding his head, “But it’s like anything else sometimes it’s a parent’s job to do what’s best for you and make you do it and not necessarily let you do what you want. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Of course, I did. I wasn’t three but that wasn’t the way it should be. Not with sex, not with that. I nodded my head not sure what else to say. Not sure if it mattered what I said. 

“You don’t need to fear me,” he said suddenly.

“You always say that,” I muttered quietly more to myself than to him.

“Because it’s true. I don’t want to hurt you, Will. I really don’t. You’re too pretty too hurt,” he told me making my face flush.

I hated that. I hated when they called me pretty or beautiful. I wasn’t any of those things. I never would be. I didn’t understand why they couldn’t see that. Why they couldn’t see that I wasn’t sexy or pretty, or beautiful. I was so many different things but, not any of those. Never any of those.

“Will, don’t be…”

“I’m fine,” I said shaking my head as I bell rang, “I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah, see you Friday,” he told me quietly as I got up and left.   
Finn was waiting right outside the door that led back to the 8th-grade hallway looking at me like he was scared for me but, relieved to see me. Almost sighing in relief when he saw me.

“Are you ok?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I told him nodding my head, “He didn’t hurt me.”

“You’re sure?” Todd asked me, looking at me.

I frowned at him. That was something I wanted to keep Finn out of. Something that Finn didn’t need to know, “I’m positive.”

“Ok,” Todd said, “Monday though he was all about…”

“IF you guys could understand some of the stuff he says…,” Finn said shaking his head, “Anyway. Ready for some food?”

“My head kind of hurts,” I answered, “I almost want to just…I don’t know go to see if Father Caraway will give me something for it.”

“I’ll walk with you,” Finn said, “If you want me to.”

“I’d be ok with that,” I told me.

“I’ll see you guys when you get back to the lunch room,” Todd said smacking Finn’s shoulder lightly before he walked off.

“Are you really ok?” Finn asked me.

“I don’t know he makes me nervous,” I admitted, “He stared at me. Said it was because he needed to keep an eye on me in case I needed help with anything. He told me about how you used to not turn in your papers or only turn them in half finished.”  
“Yeah,” Finn said, “That was usually when I was mad at him for something. Vati would whip him for it but not me. So, I used to do it all the time. Up until I was around nine and then Vati caught on. So instead Wallace got to whip me and Vati would…” Finn trailed off shaking his head like he was trying to shake the memory away, “What of it?”

“I said it reminded me of Matt and I told him Matt was a deviant. He asked me if I knew what that was,” I told Finn.

“He’s still giving all of you issues?” he asked me apparently remembering some of the conversations we had about him the year before.

“Yes,” I said, “He finally admitted what John and I suspected while we were in Montana that he wants to molest our little brothers. One of them especially. He tried to, however, I think he must have upset Da with the whole thing because he locked him downstairs for a bit.”

“Is he ok? Well, are they both ok?” he asked.

“Andy seems standoffish since it happened. Not that I blame him. Someone tugging on my peter wouldn’t make me want to hug people either,” I said Finn chuckling a little bit at the way I worded it, “Matty seems…he’s still struggling. In Montana, he was doing better for a while but now…”

“That’s hard,” Finn told me, “He could just have men…”

“He does. He admitted being mad at himself when we first got home because he knew he wanted to but then he didn’t. That he didn’t want to hurt them but a part of him wanted to so badly he nearly cried in my arms. And then he hit on me. It was bizarre.”

“To me, it sounds like he might have multiple personalities or something. Some people in the brotherhood are like really fucked up in the head. No one ever talks about it but, some of them really are. I’ve heard that Alabaster is a schizo. I’m not sure if that’s true but it does explain why he has a thing for needles if that’s true,” Finn told me.

“You don’t know if any of it is true?” I asked him as we finally made it to the nurse’s office and Finn knocked lightly on the door.

“Com…another Mr. McGregor? Did someone let you know?” Father Caraway asked me.

“Let me know what?” I asked.

“He’s here for a headache,” Finn said.

“Your younger brother, one of them seems to have had a bit of a scuffle on the playground,” Father Caraway said as I pushed past him.

Matt was sitting on one of the medical cots his pants folded neatly on a chair beside it as he held ice to his eye and had another bag of ice tied around his knee. The view of him like that making me nervous. Why were his pants off? Why wasn’t…god please no. I mean he was a snot sometimes sure, but that didn’t mean he deserved to be …

“Relax,” Matt frowned at me like he could see what I was thinking, “I ripped my pants on the cement.”

“At the knee,” Father Caraway added, “Your nanny is on the way to bring him a new pair. Apparently, someone felt like fighting.”

“Matt, what did you do?” I asked him.

“It wasn’t my fault,” Matt said, “He shouldn’t have done what he did. Now he’ll think twice about it.”

“Matt, that’s not…”

“How about we sit you down for a minute or two and get this headache under control, Mr. McGregor, before you scold your brother for his bad behavior,” Father Caraway said as Finn nodded his head at Matt.

“Who are you?” Matt asked Finn.

“Will’s friend,” Finn said.

“Really?” he asked smiling, “Are you a really good friend?”

“I think so?” Finn asked confused.

“A really good friend like Cole is a really good friend?” Finn asked as Matt shot me an evil smile.

That made me nervous because Cole and I hadn’t done anything. We had kissed that one time but, that had been before Montana. That had been before Lionel had told Cole to stay away and Cole had made it very clear he intended to obey. The idea that Matt was inferring something might be happening between Finn and I making me shift uneasily as I sat down on the cot.

“Younger Mr. McGregor I will remind if you are implying what I think you are that type of behavior is a grave sin and your brother just like you and Mr. Huber here is very devout and well behaved if not a bit more prone to injury. So I suggest that when you go to mass on Sunday that you go to confession for having such horribly filthy thoughts,” Father Caraway said in a rather stern tone as he fetched something out of a cabinet above my head and handed me a paper cup of water, “ Older Mr. McGregor please take this and, I would like you to lay back with your eyes closed for 10 minutes. No talking.”

“He’s not supposed to have friends,” Matt said quietly.

“I’ll be back in just a moment. Younger Mr. McGregor I have no idea what you are talking about, but I assure you friendships are allowed despite the very staunch belief you seem to have that they are not. Now silence,” Father Caraway said before he left the nurses room leaving Finn standing there between our two medical cots.

Finn turned and looked at me, “Cole, is your really good friend?” Finn asked me, “I barely see you talk to him. I thought Cole was like enemies with Ted.”

“They have a history,” I muttered, “They don’t hate each other. I think Cole just…it’s complicated and not my place to say. If you mean he’s my really good friend the same way Matt means it, no, he’s not a really good friend like that. I don’t have friends like that.”

“Wait, you mean…? Dude, aren’t you like nine?” Finn said turning to Matt sounding shocked and a bit pissed off.

“So, what? I bet you’d been fucked five ways to Sunday by the time you were nine. Just because I’m nine doesn’t mean I don’t understand what a “special friend” is.”

“Just because Father Caraway is old doesn’t mean he’s not listening,” Finn said, “He understands you. He’s been at this school long enough he understood what you were implying you want to get us all in trouble? You want us all fucking whipped because you can’t keep your mouth shut?”

“He wouldn’t make anyone whip us. Not with his special boy involved. We all know who is in charge,” Matt said.

“You have no idea what you are talking about,” Finn said rolling his eyes.

“Sure, I do. He wouldn’t ever hurt Will bad enough that he wasn’t able to give it to him. I heard Da talking about it. How he’s such a horny old man he wants to stick it in every boy he sees but especially his special boys when he finds them. That you earn rights when you’re a special boy like you don’t have to keep everything so quiet.”

“Wrong, dead wrong,” Finn said shaking his head, “I know one of his ex-special boys and you’re dead wrong. Tell him he’s wrong, Will.”

“You’re wrong,” I muttered keeping my eyes closed wishing I wasn’t having that conversation. Wishing I didn’t have to talk about it. What it was like to be his.

I hadn’t told Matt or Mike or even James about the video. About what Lionel had made me do because we had gotten away. How it wasn’t just leaving that had gotten me in trouble but other stuff. How I was already on the chopping block again I was pretty sure for cutting myself. How Cole had confirmed as much and then told me he was staying away from me because it was a bad idea for him to be talking to me. How he acted like he didn’t even care.

“Jared and Ed both said that nothing ever happens to his special boys. Not ever. That everyone else is treated like dirt while his special boys are always…”

“That’s not true,” Finn said shaking his head, “I know for a fact that one of his previous special boys has a reputation that I don’t care to share with a nine-year-old and the other one is such a spaz he doesn’t sit still for more than five seconds almost like he’s two. He always constantly says stupid shit and then feels obligated to show remorse by trying to shove his tongue down your throat if he upsets you. Does any of that sound like the behavior of someone who gets “special treatment” to you? Getting gang banged is not special treatment it’s torture.” Finn spat the back of his neck turning red as he said it. So, he…

Did everyone know? Did they all know, and they weren’t saying anything? They all knew and …

“My headache is gone,” I said numbly leaving the room as fast as I could. 

I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt like all the air had been sucked out of the universe and there was no way to get it back. No way I would ever breathe again. I was moving so fast I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. I just knew I didn’t want to cry like some type of stupid slut. Like some bitch or a little girl. I didn’t want to be that guy. I was tired of feeling like I was that guy. That’s what John did, that wasn’t me and now all the sudden. I hit something solid it grabbing me before I fell some, older guy.  
“Woah kid watch…are your lips blue?” the guy asked me.

“Rus just le… Woah, dude, I think you need to take him to see Father Caraway,” another said.

I had barely looked up. I didn’t want to go back there. I tried to jerk out of his arms hitting at him. I didn’t want to go…

“Man. I’m not going to hurt you but, you need to see the nurse. Something weird…”

“Let me go! LET…. ME GO! LET…. STOP IT!!” I attempted to scream punching and trying to kick as these two older boys stared at me one of them trying to steer me back the way I had come. 

I didn’t want to be touched. They probably knew too. Everyone knew I was sure of it. Everyone and it wasn’t just…it was everyone.

“Will,” I heard Finn’s voice, “Will it’s ok. Use your inhaler. Use your…”

I sighed remembering I had it taking it out of my blazer pocket as I heard Finn mumble something to the guys who left us standing there in the hall as Finn shooed them away trying to assure them I would fine. That everything was under control.

I knew Finn was still standing there with me. I wasn’t stupid, but he was waiting in silence waiting for my medication to kick in before I turned around and looked at him shaking my head.

“You knew?” I hissed.

“Will, listen…”

“No. you knew! You know!? Did …did …”

“Will, calm down ok? I didn’t want to upset you. ok? You’re my friend. I care about you,” Finn said his face all worry as he looked at me.

“You knew? Does…does everyone know? Has everyone seen…?” 

“I don’t think so. I mean about seeing it. I’m sure that there are some people who have but I don’t know who. I didn’t see it. I heard…

“NO,” The word came out more of a whimper than anything else.

So, they knew. They knew I was a slut. They knew I was a harem boy they…

“Hey,” Finn said looking at me, “Whatever they did I know they forced you, ok? I have no doubt that they forced you. Will, you can’t even talk about that stuff without your whole face turning as red as it is right now. Someone would have to be retarded to think that you let them just…”

“I’m a slut…I’m…” I slammed my hand over my mouth to keep myself from sobbing running the rest of the way to the bathroom Finn sprinting after me. His hand landing on the stall door putting pressure against it before I had a chance to slam it shut and latch it.

“Look at me,” Finn told me, “Please I need you to…”

“Why!? So, you can look the slut in the face and…”

“BECAUSE YOU”RE NOT A SLUT WILL! YOU’RE NOT! YOU KNOW YOU’RE NOT! Sluts…” he said his voice calming down as he lowered his volume, “Sluts like it. You didn’t like that. I can tell now and all I had to do was hear your voice coming from his bedroom to know that you didn’t like it then.”

“Everyone knows,” I said wanting to skin myself alive wondering why I didn’t have anything sharp with me. The idea that I was already in trouble not mattering even slightly because everyone already knew. They knew I was his boy, his slut and that he would do whatever he wanted with me and I would…I would beg for it because I was his. Because, I…

“It’s ok,” Finn told me, “It’s ok.”

“It’s not ok,” I said, “I want my …”

I trailed off thinking about what a pussy I was going to sound like if I said mum. Because that’s who I wanted was my mum. Because she would hug me and tell me it was ok. That I was being brave that everything would be ok because we would get away again.

“Can I hug you?” Finn asked me suddenly causing me to stop crying, to frown slightly, “Look. I don’t want to scare you and you seem pretty upset right now and I know sometimes hugging and stuff helps and just…can I hug you?”

“I don’t know,” I answered.

Every time someone touched me, even my own brothers I had felt dirty. Like I didn’t deserve it. Like it didn’t matter what I did I would always only be good for…for them to touch. Like those were the only type of touches I deserved were the ones that made me hate myself, Finn, nodding his head slightly.

“Just don’t lock yourself in the stall please?” he asked me, “I just have this bad feeling that if you did something bad might happen and I don’t want anything bad to happen to you while I’m here, ok?”

I nodded my head sighing as I let go of the stall door. I felt stupid and I hated being a crybaby. I wasn’t that person. I wanted to be done being that person. We waited in silence as I calmed down before I asked the first thing that occurred to me.

“So, Wallace saw it?” I managed to ask Finn quietly.

“You could say that,” Finn said looking at me.

I felt like my insides had frozen over. My brain concluding that Wallace had probably watched it more than once. Had used it as masturbation material had…probably played it on repeat since the night of the premiere the moment he had access to it. That maybe that’s why he kept reminding me how beautiful I was, how pretty I was. Because when he looked at me he saw me like…like that.

“He’s going to make me? Isn’t he?” I asked Finn.

“He can’t. Not without permission,” Finn told me.

“That doesn’t stop my uncle,” I admitted, “That didn’t stop him at the hotel…it never…”

“What?” Finn asked me.

“When the leader showed it to the other…the big shots. He was there. Your brother I mean. He followed me into the bathroom when I couldn’t take sitting in a room with them and wat...watching them watch me like that. …” I trailed off.

I closed my eyes. I could feel him gripping hard at my waist through my pants, feel the counter digging into my stomach as I tried to reach back and claw at him. Tried to make him let me go. As I felt him…his hardness up against my back, the base of my spine, his hands under my shirt. 

“Will, I had no idea,” Finn told me his face almost going red as he clenched his fists, “I’m going to fucking kill him later.”

“Finn it’s not a bi…you can’t tell anyone,” I said, “Not even him.”

“What do you mean I can’t fucking tell anyone? I’m telling fucking everyone when Vati finds out he messed around with someone he was…”

“I’ll get called a slut and that gang bang won’t be the only one I have to deal with. I already cheated ok? He wanted me ...because he thought I’d…I’d sodomized someone. It was only after I swore up and down that I hadn’t that he…”

“HOLY SHIT WILL! What do you mean you cheated on him? He’s an old man that’s using you as a sex slave. You didn’t cheat on him! You nearly escaped him!! Are you saying you fucked someone else while you were free? So, what? Big fucking deal, you didn’t cheat on jack shit Will and you know it!” Finn hissed at me, “Don’t let them fucking brainwash you. You didn’t cheat on anyone. He’s torturing you because he’s jealous you got away and you almost stayed away. He wanted to own you and you’re letting him. So, stop it! You didn’t cheat on anyone!”

At the time I had been saying it to myself so often I realized how absurd it really sounded hearing it coming from someone else. Finn was right, I hadn’t cheated. Lionel just wanted me to believe I had. That Lionel wanted to own me, wanted me to forget I was anything but his. Wanted me to think of myself in only one way, as belonging to him.

“Are you ok?” he asked as I nodded my head.

“Yeah,” I said, “I think so. You can’t tell anyone though. He’ll be pissed.”

“I won’t. I won’t tell them anything, ok? No wonder you’ve been falling apart. I can’t imagine ever…did…?” Finn trailed off his face going red as I realized what he was asking, “Not because I think you wanted to or that you would be ok with that but…was he like ok? Are you…”

“He didn’t make me do that after I…after I told him I hadn’t…done that before. The kid was so brainwashed he thought it was a game when Lionel tied me down and told him, that he was suppo…and then he just did. I was too afraid to move because I didn’t want to hurt him. He was so little Finn. He was…he was so…”

“Ok,” Finn said putting his hands out and making a calming gesture with them, “You don’t have to talk about it anymore. I mean you can if you want but you seem like you’re about to start crying again and I realize you hate being …like this. So, you don’t need to explain. I know you’d never hurt anyone unless you were forced into it.”

“Thanks,” I said not sure what else to say.

I wasn’t sure what else there was to say. How could he and Cole be so certain that I wouldn’t hurt anyone when I myself wasn’t sure anymore? Not with that little boy, not with James. 

It wasn’t that I wanted to hurt them, because I didn’t but…being made to being…my body responding to it. It made it hard to believe that I didn’t picture myself doing that. If I could be forced to do it with one of them right there making it happen how did I know that I wouldn’t become like them. Especially if I was gay. How did I know I wouldn’t get a crush on some kid and read something the wrong way and end up hurting him? How could they be so sure where I couldn’t?

“How about you wipe off your face and we’ll go get something to eat? After that is Gym and then confession and Mass,” Finn told me giving me a small smile.

“I’ve only done confession a handful of times,” I muttered.

“Well, I guess it’s a good time to start practicing doing it more often?” Finn suggested, “Just I don’t know, throw some swearing and taking the lords name in vain out there for sure and go from there I guess,” Finn gave me a small smile.

“What do you tell them?” I asked him.

“If it’s something big I tell them in German. If it’s something just like small like I don’t know I got into a fight with my brother, I almost started a fight with someone at school, lords name in vain is probably my biggest one. Especially at home. Probably unholy thoughts about different people…”

“People?” I asked him.

“Yes, people,” he said his cheeks turning slightly pink as I asked the question.

“I didn’t know you were…”

“I’m not. I don’t think,” he confessed shrugging his shoulders as I wiped my face off, “I mean it’s all kind of confusing anyway, right?”

“Yeah,” I agreed nodding my head, “Last time I saw Quinn one of the handlers said something and …he looked at me and his face lit up like a beacon. Mine didn’t until he explained to me what I wasn’t getting.”

“What was that?” Finn asked.

“That I can…,” I trailed off trying to figure out a way to put it without my own face turning the shade of red nail polish and failing miserably, “My body can do something that apparently his can’t yet.”

“Oh,” Finn said clearing his throat, “Some guys don’t do that until 13. Most guys it’s 12.”

“I know,” I muttered, “I just hadn’t really thought about it. You know?”

“Understandable. I don’t think most guys think about it unless it’s their own body. Probably why he made that connection when you didn’t. I started last year probably,” Finn said like it was no big deal. Like it was the most normal thing in the world to talk about.

It flustered me. Knowing that Finn could just talk about the fact that he could ejaculate with no shame involved. No embarrassment. Embarrassment you would think we all felt but for him, it was just like he was talking about the weather his face not blushing at all.

“Why can you just talk about it?” I asked him curiously, “I mean I know it’s all over my face that I’m…”

“Look, it’s science. It happens to everyone. Everyone is a little different sure but it’s something that happens that I’ve been…I’ve known it was going to happen for a very long time. I wasn’t surprised when it happened kind of thankful really. But otherwise, I don’t see it as a big deal, mostly.” Finn said.

“What do you mean mostly?” I asked him.

“You’re 11,” he told me, “If you’ve been doing it for almost a year that means you were 10. Now that is impressive. But, that’s not something I should be worrying about,” he said his face going slightly pink as he admitted it and cleared his throat, “Anyway ready to eat? You probably need something to eat. It might make you feel a little better. I mean after dealing with that arschloch that is my brother and all.”

“He was actually ok today,” I told him.

“Good. Food is still a good idea though,” Finn said before he pulled the door open and started walking away without me.

I just figured he was probably hungry drying my hands and following him at my own pace. I ended up in line alone, for the most part, minding my own business and thinking about why Finn blushed when it can come time for him to mention me, my body making me wonder if maybe he like Quinn might have had a crush on me. Wondering what that meant. Why everyone seemed to have a crush on me when the kid behind me knocked into my elbow.

“Sorry,” he muttered causing me to look up at him.

“You,” I said feeling my blood start to boil. It was David. David from the photo shoot David. David from Washington D.C.

His mouth fell open for just a minute before he gave me a sheepish smile, “Hello, Will. How are you doing?”

“I told you to stay away from me and my brothers,” I reminded him.

“I didn’t even realize it was you man. I’m sorry, ok? Can we just not do this right here?” David asked me pleading with his eyes.

I sighed heavily almost snorting through my nose as I did so. Sure, we could do it some other time. It’s not like he had gone…what if he had gone near my brothers? What if that son of a bitch…

“You haven’t seen any other little blond boys around lately, have you?” I asked him.

“No? Not any that look like you. I mean James is a carbon copy it’s kind of hard to mistake him. If I had seen him I would have run in the other direction I assure you. Because while you may not be much muscle wise if you notice you are taller than I am, right?” David pointed out.

He was right. I did have the height to kick his ass even if he was a little stockier than I was. He was shorter with light brown hair and gray eyes. His skin was a darker shade as well not dark enough to be tan or olive but dark enough to where he made me look like I was half vampire or maybe some type of ghost. I sighed and nodded my head in agreement. I could call a truce. Only if he stayed away from my brothers.

“I’m sorry I bumped into you. I will try to avoid you from now on,” he told me.

“I didn’t know you went to this school,” I told him.

“I think WE all go to THIS school,” he said announcing the words we and this to make sure I understood.

“Just about,” I agreed, “Why aren’t you in any of my classes?” I asked him.

“I’m probably a grade ahead,” he answered me, “This is 7th 8th lunch period.”

“Ah,” I answered nodding my head, “Yeah I’m in 7th.”

“So, you’re that Will,” he muttered nodding his head, “Everyone talks about you, you know?”

What? What?! Everyone talked about me? About…was he kidding.

“Ok relax…chill pill man. I just meant you’re really smart, so you skipped a grade. Apparently almost 2. For the record, there are some guys you want to avoid. Forever,” he told me.

“Like who?” I asked him.

“His name is Tom. He just makes off comments about you when he sees you in the hall. So just avoid him, ok?” David warned him.

“Thanks,” I told him.

“No problem,” he said as we reached the end of the line and told the cashier his name, “have a good day.”

“You too,” I muttered to his back as he walked away before I gave the cashier my name and they checked me off as well.

As I made my way to the table I noticed that there were people staring at me. Some that I knew and some that I didn’t. The realization hitting me that there were more brotherhood kids than I really thought about.

“I miss Quinn,” Todd said as I sat down.

“He’s doing better. He can almost sit down without flinching. He said that he had a number done on his back that he didn’t even realize it until he ass went numb and then started getting better. That every time it moves his shoulders it burns.”

“Poor Quinn,” Teddy said, “At least it’s mostly his back and his ass and not his face.”

“I’ve never heard of them whipping someone in the face,” Finn said.

“They have. Usually, they sell them off to someone. A specific guy who will take us in any condition. You don’t want to be sold to that guy. He makes my skin crawl.”

“You’ve met this dude?” Todd asked frowning.

“Once or twice,” Teddy said, “Like you know how sometimes you can just look at a handler and tell he’s bad news? This guy you can sense it before he ever walks through the doorway. I don’t…. I’ve never spoken to him just like seen him. He makes the air around him feel cold it’s strange. Supposedly the kids that end up with him don’t live out the year. Probably why he takes anything Papa wants to sell to him because to him they are all trash anyway.”

“That’s just sad and scary,” Todd said.

“Yeah,” Teddy said, “Some people Papa works with are like super scary and nasty. Others are just really strange like Hou.”

“How?” Todd asked.

“No, H-O-U like Hou,” Teddy corrected him.

“What’s he like?” Todd asked.

“He likes you to wear dresses and like dress up and stuff and then undress you and…you know.”

“That’s weird. Like just dresses or does he make you wear makeup and …”

“Yeah, the whole works,” Teddy said as I felt my face burning. 

I did my best to hide my face in the salad I was eating even though I was sure my whole head was lit up like Rudolph’s nose. Why did he have to bring up Jai? Why couldn’t he keep that to himself? Everyone knew I was Lionel’s that Lionel shared his boys with special friends and what not. So, therefore, once he said…

“He’s from Japan. He only comes over every once in a great while, but his kid lives here on exchange. Two of them anyway. Twins,” Teddy said.

“You mean Tao and Ron? The Asian guys that stay with Jones? They are actually really cool. I mean they are a grade ahead of us but, you would have no idea their Dad was that kinky,” Todd said.

“Well honestly? If someone made you dress up like some pageant queen and you were a guy would you tell everyone about it?” Teddy asked, “Trust me. I’m speaking from personal experience it’s not fun. It’s kind of…it makes you feel really weird.”

“Wait the leader has ma…eww!” Todd said shaking his head as Finn bothered to be the first one to look at me.

“Timber is doing great. We went up to the summer house and I rode her just about every weekend,” Finn told me, “So that was fun. Getting out of the city and just kind of riding her along the beach and stuff. We went to Disney World twice. I mean usually, we only go once a year but this year twice during the summer. He brought fast passes so that was fun. No lines or anything like that,” Finn told me.

“I wish I had that summer,” Teddy said, “I just ended up in New York. The summer gala. The Hamptons gathering. A couple different wine tasting. I would have preferred Disney world.”

“Anyone would prefer Disney world,” Finn said.

“All things considered,” Todd said giving Teddy a strained smile.

“Yeah, no. Don’t Todd,” Teddy said shaking his head.

“What am I missing?” I asked.

“Papa has a business associate that works with Talbot. His name is Earl Manfred. He’s not very nice. He’s obsessed with me,” Teddy admitted quietly.

“I wasn’t expecting you to say anything Ted. I didn’t mean for you to…”

“He’ll find out eventually. So, it’s not like it…it doesn’t matter,” Teddy said.

“I’m sorry I asked,” I muttered.

“Don’t worry about it,” Ted said giving me a smile, “Like seriously it’s fine. Let’s just drop it.”

“What did you do Todd?” I asked him.

“Mostly stayed home. I think I went to Disney World once. Watched Devon, Rick, and Anna while dad worked,” Todd told me.

“Sounds about right,” Ted said smiling, “When you have little siblings a lot of babysitting occurs over the summer.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, “That’s what I did most days after 5. Watched everyone went to bed at 10. Mum was working usually one shift from 5 to 9 and then another shift from 10 to 7. Sometimes she filled in at another place or took another shift and then she’d be gone from more like noon to 4 come home and eat and shower and then she’d be gone again.”

“When did she sleep?” Ted of them asked me.

“She didn’t,” I answered Todd’s eyes going wide, “I’m Joking. She’d sleep like 2 to 4 hours when she was at home and the neighbor would help me take care of everyone unless I managed to get away for a while.”

Ted cleared his throat and gave me a small knowing smile, “So everyone had a fairly boring summer?”

“Seems like it,” Finn said, “However I enjoyed most of my summer. I’m glad I don’t have younger siblings. No one to watch really unless I’m asked to watch Emily.”

“Who only speaks German?” I asked.

“Who told you she only speaks Deutsche?” he asked me before he must have answered his own question snorting in annoyance, “She speaks English. For some reason she has a more German inflection to her voice probably because she had a German nanny for a while not to mention Vati and uncle who is her dad but, no she speaks fluent English.”

“But German was her first language?” I asked him curiously.

“Mine too,” Finn said, “It’s a weird family thing I think.”

“Because they were raised by a Nazi,” Todd said to which Finn threw a French fry at him.

“That has never been confirmed nor denied by my Vader or Uncle,” Finn said smiling as Todd ate the French fry as it landed on his shirt.

“Why didn’t I get this today?” Todd asked no one in particular as he frowned at himself.

“Well yesterday you told me you wanted to eat more fruit and I reminded you, so you brought an apple and a Fanta instead of fries and a coke,” Teddy told him.

“Ah right,” Todd said nodding his head sadly, “Remind me not to listen to you tomorrow.”

“You got it,” Teddy said drinking some milk.

“You actually listen to Teddy?” I asked getting in the horseplay, “I didn’t think anyone listened to Teddy.”

“I don’t. I was lying,” Todd muttered as Teddy spit milk out onto his tray, “Be nice to me! I give good advice. I’m smart. My head is full of smartness.”

“Your head is full of information about how sharks mate,” I commented.

“Omg I’m going to kill Chris now,” Teddy said shaking his head even though he was smiling.

“Chris? Do we know this Chris?” Todd asked.

“You’ve met him in passing. Think really hard,” Teddy said.

“If he thinks too hard he might get hard,” Finn muttered.

“I…,” Todd went quiet, “I won’t.”

“Really?” Teddy asked looking at Finn rolling his eyes, “If you do it’s not a big deal. Right, Finn?”

“Right,” Finn said, “That’s what I told Will earlier. It’s no big deal.”

I felt my face heating up.

“Oppe there’s our sex detector. Goes off whenever sex comes up,” Teddy said.

“My face do…”

“It does,” Finn said in agreement.

I sighed heavily. It was true. I did blush a lot. The question of whether Todd could get a boner hitting me before I could stop the thought causing my blush to deepen.

“Why did it just get darker?” Todd asked me.

“Because he’s hot for your body Todd, why else?” Teddy said.

“TED!” I said causing Ted and Finn to start laughing.

“I was joking,” Teddy said, “However you were at least thinking about him. Now I’m sure of it.”

“Why would you…? Oh,” Todd said, “Huh…I’m not sure what to say now.”

“Say you're flattered,” Ted said.

“I’m huh…I’m flattered?” Todd mumbled.

“You’re very welcome,” I said feeling my face go even hotter.

“Ted don’t be…just don’t. You know what you’re doing and it’s not funny. And none of it can go anywhere anyway,” Finn said.

“Right now, yeah,” Ted agreed, “But I mean think about it. Wouldn’t it work?”

“Wha…? Oh,” Finn shook his head.

“Wouldn’t what work?” I asked quietly still feeling how warm my face was.

“Well, I’ve kind of been…confused about things. And you’re not confused, right?” Todd asked slowly hinting.

“Oh!” I said, “I mean…no I’m …not about that I don’t think.”

“See Toddy, I told you,” Ted said, “And he’s pretty, right?”

I felt my stomach fall. I wasn’t pretty. Was that the only reason Teddy was…

“Will? What’s wrong?” Finn said apparently seeing something in my face.

“Nothing,” I lied, “Excuse me.”

I felt like I was going to cry again like a little fucking bitch. All because someone had said I was pretty. I wasn’t pretty. I never felt pretty. I wasn’t supposed to be pretty. I was a boy. I was a boy. I remember repeating that thought over and over in my head as I made it to the bathroom.

“I’m a boy, I’m a boy, I’m a boy…” repeatedly until there was a light knock on the bathroom door even though it was a multi-person bathroom.

“Yeah?” I asked figuring I knew who it was.

“Are you ok Will?” Finn asked, “You know he said it without thinking.”

“I know,” I muttered, “I just don’t like hearing it.”

“I can understand why,” Finn said, “Are you sure you’re ok?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Do you really th…”

“He was teasing you. He knows better than anyone…,” I cut Finn’s words off.

“I think he was saying after. After I’m not his anymore. Teddy wouldn’t be stupid enough to tell me to ch…”

“WILL. You say cheating on him one more time and I will smack you. You can’t cheat on someone who you don’t want to be with in the first place. It doesn’t work like that. Other than that guy you’ve never been with anyone have you?” Finn asked me.

I shook my head. I hadn’t. Not besides Lionel. Lionel who was easily 50 years my senior, so it wasn’t exactly a healthy relationship. Especially considering the fact that I was a minor. And it didn’t feel healthy or good, but it was one that I knew I was supposed to treat like it was real no matter what anyone else might have to say about it.

I hated thinking it and I hate comparing it to a battered wife but, that’s what I was starting to become. When I was with him he made me do horrible things, endure horrible things and when I wasn’t it was always about what he would want me to do. How he would want me to behave in case word somehow got back to him that I wasn’t behaving myself. Because if he heard that I wasn’t just like I was afraid with the cutting I would be punished for it.

Often it made it hard to speak especially if I felt like I was being watched that’s how afraid of him I was. How afraid Lionel made me feel. Because I never knew who would tell him what I was doing. How I was behaving and the thought of making him mad terrified me. The thought of him forcing me to rape another child terrified or of him making me touch my brother like that again. All of it beyond terrified me.

“Have you?” I asked him.

“You mean had a romantic relationship?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I said as the bell rang calling us to Gym or Spanish whichever one we were assigned.

“I’ll tell you later,” he told me as we both sighed opening the bathroom door and starting towards class.

It was fairly easy at least the first part. We sat in our assigned spots on the gym floor as they took attendance and waited for them to tell us we were on our way to the chapel. I thought that first would be mass but, I was wrong.

“For those of you who haven’t done confession in a while. For example, over the summer. We expect you to summarize all your sins and do your penance. The moment everyone has done that we will sit down and go through a short mass,” one of the fathers explained before they had us all line up in the first two rows of pews waiting for our names to be called.

When it was my turn I thought it would be easy, “Forgive me father for I have sinned it has been a year since my last confession.”

“Go on my child, confess your sins to our Lord, our father and be absolved,” the father on the other side of the confessional booth said.

“My venial sins are taking the lords name in vain, swearing, disrespecting my father as well as unholy thoughts,” I said trying to speak clearly.

“Unholy thoughts?” he asked me.

“Yes father, unholy thoughts,” I answered.

“Were these thoughts of the flesh my son?” he asked me.

“Y…yes father,” I answered wondering why he was asking.

“Are you sure they were not actions as well?” he asked me.

Was he joking? Was he…? How did he know there were actions? I hadn’t…

“Well my son?” he asked me.

“Yes father,” I admitted.

“What did those acts involve?” he asked me, “Go on my son and remember that God is listening. He knows the truth and he wants you to repent.”

“Well father, kissing, there was some other contact…,” I said feeling like my face was lighting up the confessional booth as I said it.

“Other contact? Did this contact include forbidden contact?” he asked me.

He meant sex before marriage. Sex with…I didn’t want to admit to that. Some of it had been something I had done willingly but most of it hadn’t been my fault.

“How old are you my child?” the father asked me.

“11 father,” I said, and I heard a shuffling like he was crossing himself.

“Sometimes my son things happen beyond our personal control. It happens for a reason. Our Lord has a plan, but he wants us to be honest and open with ourselves to realize we are worthy of his forgiveness. This might be one of those times,” he said quietly.

“Yes, father. It was forbidden contact. Homosexual acts, sex before marriage, sodomy, oral sex and activities of that nature,” I admitted.

“Ok, I want to you to say two Hail Mary’s and four our fathers. Now recite the contrition and you may go,” he told me.

“O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins because I dread the loss of heaven and the pains of hell; but most of all because they offend Thee, my God, who are all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, to confess my sins, to do penance, and to amend my life. Amen,” I said quietly before waiting to hear my absolution.

“May our Lord Jesus Christ absolve you; and by His authority, I absolve you from every bond of suspension and interdict, so far as my power allows and your needs require. Thereupon, I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. Give thanks to the lord for he is good.”

“For his mercy endures forever,” I muttered crossing myself, “Amen.”

With that, I left. Going to my classes assigned pew and then doing my hail Mary’s and our fathers while I waited for whoever was left to finish their confessions. That time was meant for quiet reflection on our own sins after we had done our penance. If we spoke, we risked getting detention, so everyone waited quietly for the sermon to start.

“First of all,” Headmaster Watson started, “I would like to say welcome. This is your very first school hour mass which you are required to attend weekly and are graded on for behavior. I know this is new for all of you. From what I see I am hopeful that everyone will receive passing marks not only in the grade book but in the eyes of our Lord. You are doing well so far. 

Usually, our sermons are about community. How important community is for we, ourselves are a community here. A community of children kneeling at the feet of our father. Asking for his guidance, for his help. Not just in school but, in life. In life, there are many lessons that we must learn that…”

After that, I zoned out because let’s be honest. At this point, anything Barry said I didn’t have to listen to. He had licked my ass so anything he was saying was shit anyway. When they dismissed us, it was straight to the buses to go home. Danny plopping down in the seat directly behind me and blowing in my ear.

“Is that cunt nice and ready for daddy?” he whispered to me, “Harem boy?”

“Leave me alone,” I said shaking my head.

I wasn’t going to take the bait I wasn’t going to get myself in trouble. He wanted to press me, to upset me. He wanted me to lose my shit just, so he could get me in trouble. 

“Not going to say anything?” he asked me, “Got nothing to say about it? Did the father ask you about your sex partners? You are young, but they usually check it if you say something about thoughts because you know, thoughts turn into action. He make you say it? Talk about all the dick you’ve had up your ass?”

I just wanted him to shut up. Why was he…

“Why do you hate me?” I asked him quietly.

“I don’t hate you, Will. You’re just too fun to fuck with. Ask anyone. They’ll all tell you it’s true,” he said just as the bus pulled up to my stop.

So, it was all about messing with me because I was his. Because I was Lionel’s. Because I was “fun to fuck with?” Awesome. Fucking awesome. I couldn’t believe that this was my life. That any of this was my life. That there was a whole group of people at school who wanted to bully me because I was his and then another group of guys at school I needed to worry about because they wanted me to be theirs and would try to get a piece of me that way.

So, if they didn’t want to rape me they wanted to bully me. I just wanted to know why everyone hated me. Why it was that everyone hated me. The only people that didn’t hate me probably either thought I was a pussy for constantly crying and being so touchy or they were locked away somewhere and who knew when they were coming back?

I hoped the kitchen door, the side door expecting no one to be there instead my heart stopping as I looked at them. At the three of them staring at me.

“Hello, my little one,” he said as he smiled at me, “I heard you had been injured yesterday. How are you feeling?”

My mouth felt dry. I knew that’s not why he was there. That he was there for a different reason. 

“Well, are you going to answer him?” Uncle Ben asked smiling excitedly like he knew some big secret I didn’t.

“I’m ok Daddy L,” I managed to push out.

“Are you positive? Because I heard from someone else you’ve been rather unlike yourself lately,” he replied, “Emotional outbursts, socially withdrawn, self-injuring. Any of these behaviors sound familiar?” he asked me.

“I…I…do...don't know,” I said trying my best to lie.

I was never good at lying. I wasn’t trying to act more withdrawn. I wasn’t trying to be overly emotional and I wasn’t…I wasn’t trying to do any of it. I didn’t want to be a wimp. I didn’t. How could they not see that?

“You know who acts like that? Boys who are abused. Do you think you’re being abused, William?” Lionel asked me

“I…,” I trailed off.

“I want to know. Do you think you are being abused? You have a loving and affectionate experienced older boyfriend, you have a very attentive father and uncle and the mother who tried to remove you from your environment has now been safely put away where her behavior and delusional thoughts are being corrected. Do you think you’re being abused?” he asked me his voice cold.

Did I think I was being abused? I knew I was being abused. I didn’t want to have sex with Lionel or my Da. I didn’t want…

“I’m sorry,” I said, “I’m…I’m sorry. I’m trying. I’ll try harder. I’ll try so mu…”

“Let’s try then. Maybe if you see what real abuse is…,” Lionel said as someone grabbed me from behind picking me up, “Than maybe you’ll change your mind and start behaving normally.”

At that point, I knew to shut my mouth. That if I opened it. If I begged them to stop whatever it was they were planning than I was in trouble. I was beyond in trouble already. Da opening the basement door.


	61. Chapter 61

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will "finds out what real abuse is" before he is sent back to school to deal with another day of Wallace. He receives good news only to be subjected to more non-abuse. He wonders what it felt like for John, to want to die as his mental health continues to deteriorate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1538 to 1578 **Warnings: Rape/non-con, whipping, forced anal, forced oral, forced kissing, rough, violence, forced restraints, physical abuse, sexual abuse, bullying, mental health issues** A lot going on in this chapter obviously **John's part 2, POV somewhere before/around Chapter 19**

Whatever they were doing I knew was going to be bad the moment that door opened, and Uncle Ben carried me down the stairs.

“I’ll be better. I’m sorry,” I mumbled half heartily as they opened up the second red room the one with the beds in it. Someone standing there already mostly naked. Arthur only wearing leather chaps on his legs that covered nothing else.

No, no this wasn’t…I looked at the whip in his hands. A long horse whip. They were going to whip me. They were…

“Please don’t! Please DON’T DADDY L. I’ll be good please! Please Don’t!” I began begging.

“How many don’ts was that?” Lionel asked looking at me.

“I counted 3,” Uncle Ben said as Da signaled for him to let me go for a second before he pulled my vest off over my head as Lionel started to undress.

“I told you. You want to act like you’re being abused we’ll show you what real abuse is. I want to make sure you understand the difference so that you will start behaving yourself,” Lionel told me, “Maybe then you’ll appreciate everything you have. Maybe then you won’t be an insufferable little shit who freaks out when people give him compliments or want to show him affection. The only reason you should ever turn down someone’s affection is if they are going below your uniform. Do you understand me?”   
Lionel said looking at me his eyes cold.

I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t know what to say. Nothing I said was going to make any of this any better. They were…I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want Arthur to do whatever he was planning on doing with that whip. Dad undressing me as I stood there frozen. Too scared to move, almost too scared to breathe. So, I’d messed up. I’d messed up so badly there was no way to convince them to let me go.

Arthur laughed cracking the whip the sound of the air vibrating around it before it slapped the floor loudly making me jump, “Come on. I don’t have all day. Hang him up.”

“You just want to play with the whip,” Da said looking at him amused.

“With that pretty little thing? Oh yeah,” Arthur said licking his lips at me as Da ripped my undershirt down the middle.

It was now or never. I was already getting whipped so there wasn’t any point in being good. In being still. Nothing I could do was going to get me out of this. I decided to go limp. Make me hard to hold onto Uncle Ben’s grip not tight enough to keep me from dropping to the floor as I slid out of my undershirt and tried to crawl in-between uncle Ben’s leg’s back towards the door. I didn’t want to.

I didn’t want to get whipped and whatever else they were going to do to me. Whatever else they were going to make me do. I managed to get half way between his legs before he sat down on me trapping me there him punching my side making me cry out in pain as Da smiled.

“Nice way to trap yourself. And everyone thinks you’re so smart,” he said as I tried to turn around, so I was laying on my back and finding it impossible. Tried to turn over so I could punch at Uncle Ben, so I could kick. So, I could do anything to fight back as I felt someone’s hands undoing my pants.

“Please, please! Please!” I begged starting to cry screaming in frustration as I was relieved of my clothing. As Da stripped me bare in front of them all.

They didn’t speak. They ignored me for the most part letting me scream. Letting me cry. My Uncle’s weight loosening suddenly as someone, probably Da pulled me backwards by my ankles and into the air.

“You want him like this Art or…” Da asked.

“Yeah, hook him up. Let him squirm like a fish on a hook,” Arthur said sounding more than pleased as someone came over and grabbed one of my ankles from Da. 

“Daddy please! I’ll be good I swear. I’ll be good. I promise please don’t! Please don’t Da please!” I begged, “I’ll let him do whatever he wants I’ll never say it again. I’ll never tell him no again please Daddy please! PLEASE PLEASE!!!” 

My whole body shaking. I could feel my whole body shaking as they strung me up one of them smacking my ass lightly playfully as they stepped away.

“You did this to yourself,” Da said, “I’m going to go make a call about something. I have a meeting Friday and I want to make sure everything is agreed on before I actually…”

“Of course. Go I’ll let you know when we’re ready for your return Connor,” Lionel said his voice making me go still, “How many don’ts are we at now?”

“Six,” Uncle Ben answered.

“Ok, six. Now remember Art…”

“Yeah, yeah, no blood just welts. Then I get to teach him a sweet little lesson with Ben, right?”

“That’s the idea,” Lionel said swinging my body around.

I had been crying so heavily I hadn’t been paying attention. I hadn’t been able to see really but everyone was bare foot their calves bare. Meaning they were probably all undressed Lionel swinging my body around in a circle before making sure the chains stilled so I would stay stationary.

“Now, I want you to be a big boy little one. Be a good boy. You remember how to be good?” Lionel asked me.

I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure what he wanted from me. When we had made the video, he had seemed hell bent on me trying to keep myself silent for as long as possible before I started screaming. My brain telling me that’s what he was hoping for. That he wanted me to save my screams. Lionel sighing deeply with disappointment when I didn’t answer him.

“We’re playing the quiet game. 2 strikes for every negative word. The longer you can go without screaming the less time you spend on the bed with Arthur and Ben. Is that understood?” Lionel asked me

So that…No. no. So, he was going to whip me. If I could keep myself from screaming I didn’t have to spend time with him…with them in bed but if I couldn’t. If I screamed I was…I would fail. I knew I would fail. I would scream.

I had never been whipped in my life, but Quinn had just been whipped. He was so sore he couldn’t even sit down. He had missed the first week of school so far because of it. How was I supposed to keep myself from screaming?

“Do you understand?” Lionel asked me.

“Yes, Daddy L,” I said quietly the pressure in my head starting to get to me. Starting to make my headache worse than it already was, starting to make my ears pound.

All the sudden there was a sharp burning pain as I heard something crack against the air the sound seeming almost delayed. Vibrating the air after the sensation of being struck passed through my nervous system. It wasn’t even the blow itself that hurt the most but the stringing throb after. The tingling that seemed to run up and down my whole system as if my nerve endings had been damaged before the burning set in. The first two blows landing easily, being somewhat easy to handle before he landed the third.

I remember biting into my tongue as that one hit me. Feeling like it landed harder than the first two. Like he had changed the amount of force he was using that blow sending me almost spinning Lionel coming up and adjusting the chain to keep me from moving in a slow circle.

“Don’t go any harder than that. I went him to welt. Not bleed,” Lionel warned him.

“Yes sir,” Arthur said, “You’re the boss.”

Whack! He hit again with the same amount of force the first impact landing somewhere close to the center of my back before he waited a few minutes, enough time to allow the sting to subside. WHACK!

“AH!” I let out my whole body shaking with effort to not scream. 

“He made it almost half way I’m impressed,” Arthur muttered before landing another blow quickly making me whimper.

“Well, he’s an impressive boy. Aren’t you little one?” Lionel asked me as another blow hit my back.

“Can I whip the front a little bit or…?” Arthur asked.

“Not this time. I think we’ll save that for a different time,” Lionel said to which two more fast blows landed on my back in quick secession, “You might want to try and move your aim a little bit Arthur. He looks like he’s getting raw in that one spot. Don’t want to him to bleed just…”

“Just welts. I got it,” Arthur said.

“AHHHHH!” I screamed the whip hitting in a different spot. I don’t know if it was because if the direction he hit or if it was the actual area where blow had landed but everything from my upper tights to my neck felt it, felt the sting.

“That one looked like it was a little harder than before,” Lionel said, “Watch yourself.”

“I’m watching. Seriously, Boss? I’ve got this. You don’t need to micro manage,” Arthur told him.

“He’s mine. Need I remind you of that? This is a reward to you,” Lionel told him.

“And it’s a favor I’m doing for you,” Arthur said.

“You’re the one who asked if you could be involved if he ever needed correction. You’re involved. Benjamin could easily handle this on his own. Would you like to leave Arthur?” Lionel asked him his voice cold, serious.

“No sir,” Arthur said sighing heavily, “Fine. How many do we have left Ben?” 

“Four,” Uncle Ben said sounding bored, “I still think the pear would have been fun.”

“Your fondness of the pear is something that got you sent away for a while, need I remind you?” Lionel said.

“No sir,” Uncle Ben answered right away.

“Then we do this my way. Do not contradict or question me. You know better than that,” Lionel hissed.

“Yes sir, sorry,” Uncle Ben said.

WHACK! Arthur hit that same spot again. The same one that had sent the sensation up through my whole body. WHACK!

“Last two,” Arthur said, “You want to stand him upright for this?”

“Sure. I can oblige,” Lionel said before I felt hands on my ankles. One set of hands on each of my ankles.

I honestly felt like I couldn’t breathe. That had hurt. It had hurt a lot but not as much as what I was sure was going to happen next would hurt. Uncle Ben unhooking my one ankle and holding it tightly while Lionel undid the other.

“Help me stand him up,” Lionel said, “You hit me with that thing I will make sure your precious toy gets handed out for a while to those who like to use harsh implements besides you. Do you understand?”

“Understood,” Arthur said in agreement as Lionel grabbed both of my wrists turning me upright and making me clasp them behind his neck, so I was on my tip toes looking at him, “Now, you will forever understand the difference between abuse and love. You’re lucky I still care for you after all the trouble you’re causing me. If you ever cut yourself again I will cut you and whoever else I choose. Don’t forget that.”

With that two more quick blows were landed on my back making me cry. I think I was mostly crying because I felt stupid. I felt beyond stupid. So, this was for cutting myself. For telling Wallace to leave me alone. For whining like a stupid pussy like I had been trying to avoid doing in the first place. This was for…everything.

Before I could say anything even if I had been able to find the words someone grabbed me by the feet causing me to clasp his neck tightly, so I didn’t fall and hit my head, “You’re ok.” He told me holding onto my forearms and moving with the person pulling on my ankles. You’ll be fine after. You’ll see.”

I’d see? I’d…

“Hey there,” Arthur said patting the spot on the bed beside him as I was ceremoniously dropped into it. 

He smiled at me widely, “Still a shy a little one?” he asked me, “That’s ok. Are you going to be good?”

What was he doing? What was…

“You’re cleared right?” Lionel asked.

“I’m always cleared. I test every month on the…”

“Fifth,” Lionel said nodding his head, “So you’re still a fresh clear. Do what you want.”

“You hear that beautiful,” Arthur said using his thumb to tilt my chin upward, so I was looking at him, “I can do whatever I want with you. Why don’t you go grab the O gag, Ben?”

“Sure,” Uncle Ben said smiling.

“You have such a pretty mouth,” Arthur told me, “How do you feel about putting it to use?”

“Arthur, don’t tease,” Lionel scolded him, “you’re not giving him a choice. You’re supposed to be showing him what abuse is.”

“Right,” Arthur said before he grabbed something a shackle and secured it tight around my right wrists, “Scream for me sweetheart.”

With that he shoved his tongue in my mouth before I could protest. Before I could say or do anything the sensation causing my eyes to go wider if that was even possible. My body still reeling from being whipped, complaining about the fact that I was on my back. I felt like I could feel each line in my skin, feel every movement of the fabric on the bed. Feel everything.

I couldn’t even fight back because moving hurt. Someone grabbed my knees and pried them apart, my skin pinching as they did so before I felt something pressing in.

“Please…,” I barely managed, “Please no more…”

“You know why this is happening,” Lionel said sounding bored with the whole endeavor.

“Let me…YES!” Arthur said pushing in the sting unbearable. 

I felt like my body wanted to pass out someone tapping my cheek hard to keep my eyes open. My insides felt like they were being stabbed and rubbed raw all at the same time.

“Such a tight little cunt,” Arthur muttered pushing hard into me as someone grabbed something. A mental circle that Uncle Ben quickly shoved behind my teeth to keep my mouth open. To keep me from biting down before he shoved his hard penis into my mouth, into the back of my throat so hard it made me gag. 

“He has a sweet mouth too. Just like you said,” I heard my Uncle muttered above me as I had no choice but to either look at them or close my eyes my whole body screaming at me.

I wanted to scream too. I did but I couldn’t. My throat was so full I couldn’t make a sound as I struggled to keep breathing as it felt like Arthur was starting to rip my insides. 

“He’s nice. That’s right baby, move that cunt. Just like that…just…,” he said as I twitched as he hit something hard, “You’re good. You’re really good.”

“He is rather talented,” Lionel agreed, “And I’m sure now he understands.”

“Oh fuck!” Uncle Ben said as he came down my throat.

All of it hurt. None of it was about getting me off. It was about making sure I was in pain. That I wanted to die. That I knew what it was like to want to die without actually dying. The idea like he had said was to make me understand the difference between abuse and love. Violent abuse and the type of abuse they exposed me to repeatedly.

To brainwash me into believing that what he was doing to me wasn’t that bad. That the fact that all these men were raping me wasn’t that bad because it wasn’t violent. Because it wasn’t always a whipping and a beating but something else. Something that physically hurt less even if emotionally it was harder to accept.

When they were done the only shackle, they had put on me was removed. At first, I was afraid of what he was going to do next before he climbed into the bed with me as I heard a door shut. His hand on my shoulder as I tried to curl myself into a ball. Trying to keep him away from me. My whole body burning and stinging.

“Your Father will be here soon little one. That way we can show you the difference. The difference between abuse and…,” he brushed his hand through my hair, “Love. You want me to love you don’t you, little one?”

No. I wanted to be left alone. He rolled me onto my side. Running his hand over my hip before I heard the door open again.

“Hey there honey. How is he doing?” Da asked directing the last part of his question to him.

“He’s not screaming or anything. I think he’s just tired. But, I’d like to say he learned his lesson. Didn’t you, my little one?” Lionel asked me.

I had. I would never cry about anything they did to me again. I would never tell Wallace to leave me alone again. Not ever. Not if it meant that. Not if it meant getting whipped and risking my brothers and sisters having to go through that too. I would never say another word again. Never whine, never complain if I could help it.

“My good boy,” Lionel muttered before he started kissing my neck.

A small chirping sound escaping me as he grabbed my hip Da laying down in front of me before he pulled me into his arms too.

“Just relax. We’ll show you what love feels like,” Da muttered, “Real love.”

He started kissing the right side of my neck as Lionel slobbered on my left. My body relaxing into it only because it wasn’t causing me any pain. Because he wasn’t hurting me. Him stopping for a minute.

“How does he look back there?” Da muttered to Lionel.

“Hmm…he’ll be sore for a day or two. It’s nicely welted to get the point across but no serious damage. I even think Arthur used some lube just not a lot. He’s a little redder…” he stuck a finger in me my eyes going wide causing Da to laugh at me, “Than would be normal but otherwise he’s fine. No blood, no tearing. I’m sure the natural play helped with that.”

“Good,” Da said, “So do you want to first? He is your contract,” Da asked him.

Lionel kissed my shoulder before kissing the center of my back his one hand going to my left hip and running up and down my pelvis like he was petting it as he thought about it. Thought about his options. As he fingered me slowly and I tried to hide it on my face. How it still burned slightly. How I didn’t want to. 

How I didn’t want to do anything with them. Da smiling at me like he was proud of me. Proud of me for following directions. For not whining and crying.

“This beautiful little pucker is right here and it’s wide open for Daddy L. Isn’t it, little one?” he asked me as I felt his finger withdraw before he started pressing in.

I wanted to panic, to fight it off but if I did that it would mean I hadn’t learned anything. Then who knew what they would have done? Who they would have gotten in order to teach me that lesson. 

Lionel liked younger boys. He’d abused Teddy since the day he came home from the hospital and Luke too. He’d tricked a 2-year-old into preforming oral sex on me and told him we were just playing and Da…Da had started molesting John when he was two if not younger. He’d raped Matty at four and James at 6.

So, how I did I know that he wouldn’t go upstairs and not get James but, maybe even Seamus and let Lionel do whatever he wanted to with him? Make me do things with him just to teach me that what they were doing to me, what they were making me do wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be? That letting Wallace feel me up through my clothes wasn’t that horrible. That having sex with them wasn’t that horrible because it could always be so much worse. So much more painful.

“That’s right my special little one. Just relax. Relax,” he said as he pushed into me Da laughing at the expression on my face as he ran a hand through my hair.

“You’re ok, honey,” Da said, “See? It doesn’t have to hurt. I know it’s always a little uncomfortable for a minute but, that’s why I wait to move. You know that.”

Did I know that’s why he waited to move once he got inside of us? Once he got deep inside of me or any of us for that matter? Yes, I knew that was why. Lionel didn’t always wait but, he had tried to in the past. Lionel still clutching tightly to my hip as he moved slightly behind me, the pressure of him inside of me pushing up against my colon and prostate making me feel like I had to use the bathroom like it always did.

“Why don’t you make him feel good Daddy?” Lionel asked Da as he kissed the base of my neck Da smiling and nodding his head before he started kissing the center of my throat and down past my collar bone, down the center of my chest Lionel moving the first bit as Da started playing with my nipples making me gasp.

Being penetrated while laying on your side is deep penetration. I could feel his balls against my back but more than that it felt like a dull constant poke against my insides making me want to squirm. My left leg was bent at the knee while my Da held it as he kissed and licked me. Some weird moan escaping my mouth before I could stop it.

“That feels good huh, little one?” Lionel asked me, “I think that feels good too. You have such a nice body. Such a beautiful little body and all it wants is to be loved. That’s it,” he muttered quietly into my ear as I moaned even more Da’s mouth finally trailing past my nipples lower…lower to my belly button.

“Let us make you feel good little one. Tell us what you want,” Lionel said, “Let me know what you want.”

He wanted me to say the words. Tell him to fuck me. Tell him to do what he was doing my whole body complaining about the position that I was in the way he was pushing on my prostate. It didn’t hurt but the pressure was intense just like it’s always very intense especially when they aren’t breaking contact. Which he wasn’t Da’s mouth finally going there.

“AHHH” I managed before slamming my hand over my mouth.

“No, say it little one. Let us know how good you feel. Let us know, my sweet special boy,” Lionel said pushing hard into me making my whole body feel like it was about to explode as I struggled to keep breathing. As I struggled to accept what my body was feeling.

It wasn’t like I hadn’t ever had a three some before. I had, couple times by that point it was just…a lot to handle. The way I felt emotionally and then the punishment. The sting of the welts on my back as Lionel pushed into me, pushed against my prostate as Da deep throated me, it was a lot to handle my brain blanking out every time I went to open my mouth the only sounds I could manage being gasps and moans as I felt my cheeks and face lighting up like a stop light. All my muscles tightening with each thrust up inside me, with each tiny flutter of my Da’s throat.

“If it feels good let us know little one,” Lionel muttered before biting my ear lobe lightly sending an even more intense tingle down my spine to meet the ones shooting upwards, “Does it feel good?”

Did it feel good? I hated it, but I felt like my whole being was about to explode and they knew it. They knew what they were doing. They knew, and they didn’t care. They just wanted me to admit it. To admit that it felt nice. That my body thought it was the best thing that had ever happened. That I was about to orgasm, and I couldn’t stop it from happening.

“You like…me…hitting…that…spot…,” he grunted accentuating on each thrust up inside of me, “Tell….us…what…you…want…tell…me…you…want…me…to…cream.”

“F…. fuck…me,” I managed my brain blanking out, “Fuck me Daddy…. fuck me…fuck…”

He started pushing harder, faster. The bed nearly rocking with the movement the in and out as my Da started to bob as my body started to surrender. The whole thing…too much…way too much as I felt that hot liquid mix inside of me. My body collapsing along with his. My whole being going limp as I closed my eyes and he pulled out of me both of us panting heavily as my Da’s mouth made that wet smacking sound, the sound of the suction breaking away as he sat up wiping his mouth and smiling as he looked at me.

“He enjoyed himself,” da said smiling, “You too?”

“Oh yes,” Lionel muttered, “I am very pleased. As always. He’s always so sweet.”

“Maybe I should show him how sweet he is,” Da told him, “That is if you don’t mind…”

“Not at all Connor. I’ve told you a million times I will never get between a father and his son,” Lionel said as he rubbed my neck.

“Come here honey, why don’t you roll over?” Da said to me.

Wait…roll…roll over? I was on my side. What did he mean…?

Lionel gently tapped my left shoulder. Like he wanted me to turn it towards him. To turn my body around so I was facing him and no longer facing my Da. They couldn’t be serious. I could barely breathe they couldn’t…

“Be a good boy little one,” Lionel warned me, “Remember what I said.”

It was a reminder that someone would pay. That someone might not be me but someone. If I was bad and didn’t do what I was told someone would get hurt. And it would be my fault. I closed my eyes and exhaled deeply working to catch my breath as I rolled over. Rolled over so that I was laying on my right. So that my face was to Lionel and my back as to Da. Because I knew that’s what he was going to want, Lionel’s hand going there making my whole-body twitch, jolt. Almost like maybe he had smacked me my eyes fluttering open.

“Hello there little one,” Lionel said running a hand through my hair, “Such a sweet little one. So pretty. Such a pretty boy.”

I felt Da’s hand, his fingers. Not sure what he was doing but it felt weird. Probably because of how much had happened but it felt…off somehow.

“He’s really wet in here,” Da commented.

“Well, he is very talented,” Lionel told Da.

“No, I mean I noticed that. Just he’s a little…”

“Why don’t you just use his body. Close his legs it will provide you with more pressure, so you don’t have to worry about how much friction you have. He’ll be tighter,” Lionel commented.

“That’s…actually really smart,” Da said before I felt him instantly slide in. My body gave him no resistance. I was so tired though, just beyond tired of all of it. I couldn’t even…Lionel looking at me.

“Don’t cry,” Lionel said, “If you’re going to cry or beg for us to stop I don’t want to hear a sound.”

I wanted to cry. I was too tired and too disgusting, and I didn’t know what else to…

“You want my cock don’t you honey? My sweet little cock slut? Love having your little cock sucked, too don’t you? You want Daddy L to face fuck himself on that sweet little cock don’t you, honey? Tell him, tell him you want it,” Da muttered.

I couldn’t…HOLY SHIT!

“You say it I’ll make it feel better for you. Stop going so hard. I know you don’t always like hard. Say “suck my cock Daddy…say it like the good little cock slut you are,” Da hissed.

“Su…suck my cock Daddy…suck…” I managed before Lionel immediately deep throated me Da pushing hard up against my prostate, up against that spot that made me want to die and think I was entering heaven all at once.

“Tell me you love it. Tell me you you’re my sweet little cock slut honey…come on…tell me,” he nearly shouted as he rammed into me repeatedly his pace increasing to a point where I was sure my eyes were about to roll.

“I want…I want your co…” I managed before someone stole all the air out of the room my whole body going tight again, locking me away someplace where I couldn’t move. Where all I could see was lights flashing as I hit orgasm again. As I felt that wetness again.

My Da lasted maybe 10 minutes after he was inside of me. Before he had finished pushing my body past it’s limit and into another orgasm him groaning and swearing happily as I felt my whole body pulsate Lionel making some weird sound in the back of his throat as he held me tighter, grabbed me harder not stopping until something stopped, until everything stopped. Da getting up and laughing excitedly, like he was amused.

“I think he understands the difference now. Don’t you, honey?” Da muttered.

Did I understand the difference between abuse and the way they loved me? Yeah, I did. The way they loved me…was so much worse and I wasn’t allowed to scream about it. To talk about it. To deny other people the right to use me however they wanted if they followed Lionel’s rules. That I had no say and no right in any of it. That I wasn’t even allowed to express how I felt about any of it. That if I did anything to let them know how much I hated it including cutting my own skin off that someone was going to be punished and it would be my fault and only my fault.

I understood that I was a whore, a cock slut and I was too dirty for people to look at let alone touch. That all my friends probably especially Finn and Teddy just felt sorry for me. Sorry that I was a harem boy and they didn’t really care about me at all. That if their relatives didn’t want to fuck me they probably wouldn’t want anything to do with me.

I understood that I would always be his until he decided I wasn’t good enough anymore, special enough anymore and then he’d throw me away to whoever decided I was still worth buying. Then I’d be their boy instead. I understood that I would always belong to someone else. Always and that everyone really just hated me, wanted to fuck me or felt pity for me. Some probably feeling all three at once. 

I understood that I had no one and that’s all I would have. I would always have no one and be no one. That’s what I understood.

“I said you could go,” Da said handing me my clothes, “Why don’t you put your knickers on just in case Alice is already cooking dinner. Last thing she wants to see is that little fruit between your legs.”

“I’ll see you later. Probably not next weekend but the one after ok, little one?” Lionel asked me kissing my shoulder and then my neck, up my ear before he kissed my lips. I didn’t fight or resists when he slid his tongue in my mouth or slide his hands around my waist. I didn’t resists when he started to lay on top of me even though I didn’t receipticate either. Da clearing his throat making Lionel break contact.

“Right,” Lionel said, “Sorry I almost forgot that you wanted to go over the …”

“The financials. I am head of your financials department for a reason and I doubt it’s my son’s pussy,” Da said smiling slightly.

“That might be a reason but certainly not the only one,” Lionel said as he sighed looking at me before he pecked me on the lips again, “Why don’t you go little one? I love you.” 

With that they both stood up and went into the bathroom leaving me there alone. I wasn’t sure where Arthur and Uncle Ben had gone off to but, I didn’t care. I wanted a shower. I had to shower, and I didn’t…I knew it was the only place where I could ever…be honest about ...a cold feeling traveling down my spine making my whole-body shiver as I pulled my boxers up and gathered the rest of my clothes.

Moving felt weird. Everything felt like…like it was too open. Like it was too used, too sore really. I tried my best not to shed even a single tear on the way up the stairs and I failed. I remember hating myself for failing for being a pussy, a cry baby, a whore, a…I opened the basement door shock instantly over riding every other emotion I was feeling.

Alice had her back to me bend over the oven boasting what looked like a line of hens her turning slightly as she saw the door open out of the corner of her eye before she stood up and did a double take wiping her hands on her apron.

“Are you ok Will sugar?” she asked me.

“I’m fine,” I managed to mumble.

“Don’t lie now sugar,” she said, “You look very far from fine and all your clothes are in you…”

“Please, don’t,” I said shaking my head, “I’m fine…I’m going to…” my whole chest felt tight. Probably a combination of my asthma and the ensuing panic that was trying to escape. That they hadn’t allowed me to express while I was down there. That I now felt like I had no place that was safe to express.

“Will sugar…I think you need to si…”

“I’M FINE!!!” I shouted before coughing heavily. I would have run up the stairs, but I couldn’t my legs feeling shaky as I made it there Alice watching me quietly, worriedly.

“Do you need me to help?” she asked.

I wheezed before I managed to answer her stopping and sitting on the fifth or fourth step up before I gave up sitting down and fumbling through my blazer pocket for my inhaler administering my medication to myself and waiting for it to take effect. 

Did I need her to help? Probably. But, I didn’t want to be touched. I didn’t want to make her gross. Dirty like I was…I didn’t want her to know. I shook my head.

“I’m fine,” I managed again after my chest loosened slightly.

“What do you need me to do sugar?” she asked me her face contorted with worry.

I shook my head again standing up and restarting my ascent. I don’t remember her saying anything else even though she probably did. I didn’t care though. I wanted to…I had to do something anything and I couldn’t figure out what. 

When I made it off and lift and upstairs I felt a different type of tightness in my chest, a burning tightness like I was going to be sick barely making it to my bathroom before I started puking, wrenching repeatedly my whole body shaking as I tried to calm myself down. As I told myself I was ok. That I would be fine. That it wasn’t a big deal. I just had to be better. I had to find a way to be better. That John and mum, no one. No one could know.

I remember starting the shower water and climbing into the tub. I remember it taking everything in me not to grab the box cutter. That I wanted it. Longed for it but…I managed to not grab it. A knock on the door making me jump.

“Go away!” I said loudly expecting it to be one of the kids. James or Catty wanting to tell me something about their day, school. Something I didn’t deserve to hear. Something that was too good and pure for me to hear when I was just…just me.

“Will, can you open up?” I heard a voice I wasn’t expecting. A voice I still wasn’t sure I wanted to deal with.

“I’m fine,” I answered back.

“You’re not fine,” Pat responded loudly through the door, “I’m coming in.” 

I’m not sure why he had warned me. Maybe so I could make sure I was behind the curtain I have no idea, but he came in anyway.

“Cole wanted to stop by and say he was sorry about earlier. He told me he was kind of harsh because of a lot of…he saw his car. His sports car. He knew it was his so, he turned around and left. Did he see you?” Pat asked me.

Had he seen me? Had he seen me? He’d done a lot more than see me. He had stuck his dick in me, put his mouth on me, ran his hands over me. He had…a tiny hiccup escaped before I could quiet it. I didn’t deserve to cry. I was dirty. I was a dirty fucking whore that had enjoyed it and I didn’t deserve to cry about it. If I wanted to cry about it Lionel said he would make sure someone else understood…someone else and it would be my fault. Everything was my fault.

“Will?” Pat said quietly, almost so quiet I didn’t hear him, “Look, I know I’m not John and I’m not your mom but, maybe you need someone right now? I know there’s a lot going on at schoo…”

“I’m a whore and everyone knows it. Everyone hates me there! EVERYONE! And I’m…I’m a stupid …

“HEY!” Pat said loudly sounding angry, “STOP right now. You stop that! You are not a whore. You are so very far from a whore you make mother Tereasa look like one ok? You need to stop right now.”

That wasn’t true. He knew that wasn’t true. I snorted in disbelief.

“Ok, that’s an exaggeration but still. Will, you aren’t a whore. You know you’re not,” Pat insisted, “Why do you think everyone hates you?”

“Because they all know. About the video everyone does. They call me Harem boy. They think I believe I’m better than they are because I’m his when it’s not like that. It’s so much worse. Everything is so much worse. They never leave me alone. Not ever. Theirs’s boys at school who refuse to talk to me, and when they look at me they look at me like I’m dog shit. And then there are other guys…other guys who…” I trailed off.

“Well, ignore them. They can’t do shit to you without his say so and they all fucking know it. They are just trying to get you to do something stupid. They want your attention. Don’t give it to them. Don’t,” Pat told me through the shower curtain.

“They whipped me,” I admitted, “They whipped me because I didn’t…I don’t…I…”

“Just take a deep breath and chill for a second,” Pat said, “Take your time. I’m not in any hurry and I feel like it’s important you let some of this out, ok?”

“I have a mentor,” I started, “His name is Wallace Huber. He’s …Lionel hand picked him. When they released the video I’m in he showed it to all these guys, Lionel did, and Wallace was there. I left the room because I couldn’t…I started freaking out and I hate freaking out in front of people. He pushed me into the sink and he…he rubbed on me until he…he came. I was wearing clothes and so was he but it…and when I saw him at school I told him not to touch me ever. I think he told Lionel. And…he whipped me. He said I’m being mean and anti-social and that he’s the one who has the right to say who can and cannot touch me. I cut myself…I…”

“Woah!” Pat said, “you cut yourself? Again?”

“No one was supposed to know. But I fell and hit my head. They sewed up my head and the… there were stitch…”

“Ok, shit,” Pat said, “And…do you think that could be why they whipped you?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head even though he couldn’t see it.

“Does Cole know about this?” he asked me.

“That’s why I went to go talk to him this morning. He said that he shouldn’t be seen talking to me at all. Because of Tosh. Because of things…”

“You mean because of the fact you keep throwing yourself at him whenever you talk to him alone?” Pat asked, “Yep, he told me. I told him to give you a break. You’re stressed you’re looking for an outlet and…yeah. We all go through it. I told him to give you a break.”

“He told me to stay away and let the feelings fade because he’s with Tosh and he wants to be with Tosh,” I murmured, “It wasn’t even about that though. I wanted to know what he would do to me. Now I know.”

“They whipped you? Who is they?”

“People,” I said not wanting to get into it.

“Ok, I only know one person that likes to whip. And we both know who I’m talking about. Was it him?” he asked me.

He was asking if it was Art. Yes, it had been him. He hadn’t just whipped me. He’d raped me. Said I had a tight cunt. Humiliated me.

“Will, it’s ok if it was Arthur. You know how many times he’s done things to me?” Pat said, “There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I’m tired of being like this. I’m tired of all of it. I’m tired all the time Pat,” I answered, “What am I supposed to do? I don’t what to do anymore. I look at them, my little brothers and sisters and I…I feel like I’m too dirty to touch them. What do I do?”

“You accept that you’re not what they tell you, you are. That they don’t define you. That whatever label they want to give you isn’t the label you want to give yourself and you keep going. You fight because you know you’re better than they are. That just by being around and not hurting people you’re better than they are,” he said.

I had hurt people though. Pat didn’t know that. But, I had. What I had done to that little boy and to James was unforgivable. It was something that made me just as bad as them. Even if I only did it to save them or myself from whatever else they had planned. In my mind nothing excused it. Nothing excused what I had done to them. That’s why I didn’t deserve to touch them. My siblings because I would just cause them pain. Just do what Da did to me. What uncle Ben and Lionel did to me.

“Will, are you ok in there?” Pat asked making me realize I had gone completely silent. That I had gotten a little lost in my own mind.

“He told me to quit acting like I was abused,” I told Pat.

“You are abused. There is no right way to act,” Pat told me, “I know I’m not John and I’m not your Mum but, I’m here, ok? I’m here and I care. Even if Cole is too confused and too…he doesn’t want you to be like him.”

“Like him? What does that mean? Gay? Because news flash…”

“I don’t think he meant gay. I think he meant…Cole is confused about a lot of things for some reason. I think it has to do with the leader. He did something to him that he refuses to tal…”

“I don’t want to talk about him,” I said shaking my head even though he couldn’t see it, “I hate him. I hate him, and I can’t do anything about it. And I …”

“And you what?” Pat asked only after I had been silent for a few minutes.

“I want to die. He makes me want to die. I thought I understood why John did what he did, but I was wrong. I was wrong until he told me that I I don’t…I…”

“Oh kiddo,” Pat said reaching only his hand through the shower curtain, “It’s ok. Whatever he told you is a lie. Did he tell you that you didn’t have a right to say no? That’s a lie because, you do. Did he tell you that you should feel happy? Grateful? You have the right to feel however you want and need to. Don’t let him lie to you. Don’t let him destroy you.”

I took his hand and squeezed it not sure what else I should do. What I could do. I needed my mum or my brother and neither one of them were there. Neither one of them could comfort me and Cole, Cole was afraid to because I was an idiot and that just left Pat. Because Mike wouldn’t understand and Matty wouldn’t care. James was too little to really know what was going on. How badly I felt. How I wanted to cut my hands off every time I looked at him because I had hurt him. 

“It’s ok,” Pat told me, “I’ve never…no, I take that back. Once. I’ve been with Lionel once. I was eight. I don’t even rem…oh yeah, I do. I was caught talking to a girl that wasn’t brotherhood. It was before Dad got his raise because he started making cases disappear for Lionel I was in public school. Her name was Monica. She said something about her Dad to me because we were supposed to be coloring pictures of our families. Things we did with our Dad’s. She drew a picture of him on his hands and knees and her riding on his back and she called it playing horsey. I told her that at my house that’s not how we played horsey that Dad always…I was always on bottom. 

Apparently, she thought that was weird and told the teacher. The teacher, she called dad. Told him what it sounded like to her and that he needed to have a talk with me. I think that was my first trip to the Villa. He blind folded me, they tied me up and…it was rough. It was really…I thought Dad was horrible but him…he showed Dad things. Things that he liked that…after that…,” Pat went silent, “I never talked about any of it again.”

“He told me he would show me the difference between abuse and what they do,” I told him, “He did. He used Arthur and my Uncle to do it but, he did.”

“Just because you put a bow on a piece of shit and call it a present doesn’t make it one,” Pat said before we both fell silent.

He held my hand for as long as I allowed him to. Eventually I thanked him and told him to go home because I knew Da would be up soon. And as far as that was involved I didn’t know if Da was going to be possessive like Lionel or if he would tell Lionel someone had not only been upstairs but upstairs in the bathroom. The same bathroom where I was naked in the shower. Who knew what Lionel would do if he found that out? Let alone the fact that Pat had touched my hand.

Da did come upstairs. He did rape me, and he spent the night with me leaving early in the morning before Debbie came back in. Debbie who stayed until 10 PM to make sure everyone was taken care of. It gave me a couple extra hours. But otherwise it didn’t make that much of a difference. I remember telling myself that I wouldn’t cry. No matter what I wouldn’t cry.

It was Thursday, so we had father Bellington in the morning. Nothing really happened Finn and Todd both rushing off to get into the lunch line like they were starving as I came across Teddy in the hallway as I was putting away my books.

“You actually stood next to us the morning,” Teddy said, “You didn’t say much but…”

“Did you tell him that?” I asked as we walked down the hall, “That I’ve been…not talking. Or talking even less.”

“Papa you mean?” Teddy asked me frowning, “He asked me how you were doing at school. I told him you were acting like you were stressed out…” Teddy must have seen something in his face because the color instantly drained from his as he stopped walking with me, standing still, “Did he…? Did something happen?”

“It’s nothing,” I told him, “I’m fine. I was just curious.”

“That’s not…I didn’t realize he was asking to use it against you. I thought he was just asking because you were my friend. I mean he asked about “that younger Huber boy” too. I’m sorry Will I didn’t realize it was…”

“Don’t worry about it,” I told him shaking my head, “It’s ok.”

“It’s not ok. You’ve been moving like you’re sore all day. I watched you walk to class, I’ve watched you stand. Don’t lie. What did he do?” Ted asked me.

“It doesn’t matter,” I said, “Thanks for caring though. I’m fine.”

“Will don’t…don’t blow me off ok? I care. I do I might be an idiot, but I care,” Ted said, “Please?”

“It’s nothing that won’t heal,” I tried again to excuse it.

“It’s being ha…”

“STOP!” I said forcefully, “I’m fine. Next time he asks about me tell him I’m fine. Ok?”

“Ok,” Ted said nodding his head, backing off a little bit, “Have you seen the sixth sense? I’m thinking of going off to see it this weekend. Mom said I could if I got a couple of friends to go with me. It’s rated PG-13. I thought maybe we could do like a friend thing for Finn’s birthday. I know he wants to see it and he’ll be 13 on the 12th so…”

“I didn’t know that,” I said, “But doesn’t that mean you’re 12?” I asked him.

“July 17th,” Ted told me, “what of it?”

“Doesn’t that mean we need someone 17 or older?” I asked him.

“Honestly, I can only think of like two people that are old enough to get us in which is why I’m asking you,” he told me.

Oh, so he wasn’t inviting me. He was seeing if I could get us into the movie? That’s the only reason why he even thought of me. That was nice of him.

“My brother is only 13 and he’s in…”

“No, Cole. I know Cole isn’t 17 but he’s friends with Hunter who is 18 and Christian and Kris. I know that Christian is off at school already but Kris I thought he was on a gap year from what I heard and then he was going to go to Columbia, where I’m supposed to go but anyway, I was wondering if you could talk to Cole and ask him if he wanted to talk to Kris for us, see if Kris wanted to go,” Ted told me, “Or…”

“Or? There’s another option?” I asked him.

“Yes but…I kind of want you to go and I don’t think you will if I ask them. Even though I know they’ll say yes,” Ted told me, “Finn’s brother.”

Oh. Yeah no, I didn’t want to go. Not if Wallace was going. Not when I had been told he got to feel me up as long as he didn’t go under my clothing. Not when if we did go he was going to make me hold his hand or hang on me like I was some harem boy.  
Everyone who wasn’t already laughing at me certainly would be laughing at me after that. Just the way he treated me when people weren’t in earshot gave me a very good idea of the things he would say when he knew people couldn’t hear even if they could still see. My brain imaging what that would look like to an outsider.

How they would watch him lean close and smile whispering in my ear as my face, even my ears turned red. How if I wouldn’t hold his hand he would hold onto my elbow or drape his arm over my shoulder as I stood there quietly, meekly next to him. How he would give me bedroom eyes every time I bothered to speak. How he would fawn over me, ask me if I wanted this or that. If he could get something for me. How he would insist on opening doors for me. 

I could picture the guys calling me harem girl after seeing that. Seeing him treat me like that. Like I was a girl.

“I knew that would be a bad idea,” Ted said, “So can you talk to Cole see if he can get us someone older to at least get us through the door?”

“I’ll see. He’s not thrilled with me right now though,” I told him.

“Why?” Ted asked me frowning.

“He…it’s complicated,” I said shaking my head not wanting to get into it, “I can talk to Pat.” 

“Do it,” Ted told me, “Isn’t he almost 15?”

“I think so,” I told him.

“He could probably pass as 17. Ask him. I mean it’s not like we’re 10. It would be a nice break. From everything and if anyone needs a break, it’s you,” Ted told me.

He was right. I did need a break. Maybe it would be nice to get out and away from everyone. Especially if it was someone older. Then maybe they could be the one to pick me up. To drop me off back at home. 

“I’ll ask tomorrow morning ok?” I told him.

“No, how about we ask after lunch?” Ted asked me, “they are switching classes right after our lunch ends if we go to the upper school 9th grade hall than we can ask. I know how to get there.”

“No,” I shook my head as I grabbed a lunch tray of what looked like grilled cheese and chicken noddle soup before I grabbed a brownie and a pear.

Wallace was in the upper school. Him and all his friends. Some of them were trackers. Sure, Pat might be in the upper school with them but, could Pat really protect me if we were somehow cornered alone? He might swear up and down he would do everything he could to make sure nothing bad happened but that didn’t mean it would work. That didn’t mean that someone wouldn’t get us alone and then…

“I’ll be there. I’ll go with you,” Ted tried to assure me, “You think any of them would be stupid enough to touch me?”

“All they have to do is say the right thing,” Will said, “You and I both know that. So, don’t pretend it won’t happen.”

“Will,” Ted said frowning, “Come on. Trust me. We’ll be fine.”

“What are you guys talking about?” Todd asked as he sat down.

“Movie plans,” Ted said, “We need someone that looks old enough to get us in. I asked Will to ask Cole or one of his brother’s other friends. Suggested we go to the upper school to ask right now and he’s being…reluctant to do so.”

“Can you blame him? I have two 8th graders in my Spanish class you know what they said? Do you have any idea what everyone is saying?”

“It’s not a big deal. You know how many times I’ve had them talking about my ass?” Teddy said shrugging his shoulders.

“Seriously Teddy? Seriously?” Todd scoffed at him.

“What? It’s true. Are you kidding me? I’ve had people come up to me and ask me if my dick is really that big or if it was like special effects. On the flip side I’ve had others ask me if it’s really that small. Just depends on what type of asshole they wanted to be.”

“I love how everything in that sentence was about a dick or an asshole,” Finn said sitting down laughing slightly, “And I don’t even know what you’re talking about. What are you talking about?”

“Teddy is trying to convince our boy here that he needs to go and ask an older friend to sneak us past the ticket takers, so we can go see the sixth sense for your birthday,” Todd summarized, “Apparently that involves going to the upper school like right now, this second.”

“REALLY! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SURPRISE!” Teddy nearly shouted frowning at Todd, “Thanks a lot, Todd.”

“I didn’t know that,” Todd said, “Sorry.”

Finn sighed looking at me and then looking at Teddy shaking his head slowly, “Ted, no. No.”

“Come o…”

“He can ask him tomorrow morning. I know for a fact that my Vati will let me go no matter what. Hell, I could probably ask him to get us past the ticket takers. He would do it. He’ll do just about anything I ask him to.”

“Only because he knows you’ll pay him back later,” Teddy muttered.

“One, ouch,” Todd said wincing, “and two that kind of takes some of the fun out of it.”

“Look who is talking? You already ruined most of the fun by blowing the surprise,” Teddy replied.

“I haven’t blown anything lately actually and I’m happy to keep that streak going,” Todd said sticking out his tongue at Ted.

“Someone is cheeky today,” Finn said smiling into his soup cup.

“I have sass,” Todd said, “I can be sassy. People like sassy.”

“I think you’re trying to impress someone,” Teddy said.

“Am not,” Todd said shaking his head, “Anyway, so do we think that’s the better option? Asking Mr. Huber to push us past the ticket takers on Friday?”

“I think so,” Finn said.

“Ok but, quick question,” Ted said, “What if he asks who is going and Wallace throws a fit? Then what are we doing?”

“Ok,” Finn said nodding his head, “But do we really want to dangle him in front of Wallace like a piece of meat?”

“You mean remind Wallace of the meat he wants?” Todd asked raising an eyebrow and giving everyone a mischievously smile.

“You are sassy today,” Finn said.

“Yep, all about that sass,” Todd said taking a drink of his chocolate Milk.

“Quit watching so much Will and Grace,” Finn said which caused Todd to snort chocolate milk down his front.

“I am not watching it that much,” Todd insisted.

“You are…we have to find you, someone, to roll around with and fast so maybe you’ll stop with this super obvious kick you’ve got going. You think it would be bad enough having everyone just know considering.”

“What? You’re all pretty…you know,” Todd said shrugging his shoulders.

“Ok one, Will, is out of the market no matter what stupid jokes might have been previously made. Two, Ted is just fucked up in general….”

“I concur,” Ted said nodding his head.

“3, I forget what my 3 is but you understand we go to a catholic school, right?” Finn said, “And I don’t think I am. I’m not …I’m like you I’m not 100% either way.”

“My brother his what I think you would call heteroflexible,” I said shrugging my shoulders everyone turning to look at me.

“He’s a what?” Teddy asked me.

“Like he likes…someone a lot. But, he had a girlfriend when we were away. He seemed happy with her mostly. Like he really liked her. He made out with her all the time just as much as he made out with his friend here,” I answered.

“Ok, were he and this friend exclusive? Because if so I wouldn’t be too…”

“I already know,” I said, “And I’m not saying who it is for that very reason. It doesn’t need to get spread around. God knows I’m giving everyone enough to talk about.”

“That’s true,” Teddy said, “That’s a good way to look at it. Your video takes everyone’s attention away from your brother’s love affairs with apparently some guy that we know.”

“It also takes a little bit of attention away from the fact that Will himself is also taken. Which is another reason why he shouldn’t be going into the upper school wing,” Todd said Finn nodding his head in agreement.

“Well, if that gets to be a problem we can always spread around what Julian did,” Teddy said.

“Ted…,” Todd shook his head, “No.”

“What? You know what he called you. After he did that to you? I mean seriously, you know how majorly fucked that is?” Teddy said.

“Aren’t we all majorly fucked? Isn’t that the problem?” Finn asked.

Now that one made me smile. That was true. That was our biggest problem, we were all majorly fucked.

“The only way we’re going to ever be able to protect Will from your brother would be to disguise him as our friend that’s a girl named Suzy,” Todd declared slamming his hand down on the table like it was the best idea anyone had ever come up with.

“I think he would suspect. Especially once Suzy looked exactly like Will expect with a cheap wig and possibly my Cousin’s school skirt which wouldn’t hide anything by the way,” Finn said.

“Ok, I don’t think Will’s that hot looking just on principal because of…yeah, but I’d pay money to see that. Maybe we can go in on this Will. You should think about it. Split it 50/50. You know how many people would pay to see you in a skirt?” Teddy said.  
“You’re just being mean now Teddy. Em is 6. It wouldn’t even fit him,” Finn came back with shaking his head.

“So, we need to find a girl 10 or older and barrow her clothing. Maybe it would work. I don’t know. Wallace isn’t that bright. You can’t tell me you haven’t noticed,” Teddy said.

“Oh, I’ve noticed,” Finn said smiling, “but I don’t think it would work. And what happened to this money thing you were just talking about? Were you having an ADHD moment Ted?”

“No, it’s called a joke. I’m not going to subject him to wearing a skirt. Not…” Teddy sighed looking at me, “At least you’re smiling.”

I nodded my head. They were being funny. Probably on purpose. I had caught onto that a while ago, but it reminded me of Pat and Cole’s banter with John. I suppose it was true if you didn’t laugh about it, you cried.

“Ok, so what are we doing about the Wallace issue?” Todd asked again.

“Well, I can tell Vati I don’t want him there. However, he does have his own car and h…”

“Woah, holy fuck muffins when did he get his own car?” Teddy asked.

“Yesterday,” Finn said, “You do realize that my birthday is the 12th and his is on the 13th, right? Vati thought he would do something nice and give him his own car early. So anyway…because he now has his own car that means he can drive himself to the movies and go if he so chooses.”

Well, shit. I guess I wasn’t going to the movies. It would have been nice to go but, I didn’t see it happening. Not with that going on. He already had permission to feel me up at school. What would he do when it was in a dark room where no one was paying attention? I couldn’t…

“You know what guys?” I said shrugging my shoulders, “I just won’t go. It…”

“No! You have to go! Even Quinn is going! And you know Quinn wants to see your face,” Todd said making me blush.

“I’m too tired to go. Everyone wants to see my face,” I moaned putting my head on top of my arms hiding my face against the table top.

“Huh…Will I hate to point this out but, I don’t think it’s your face most of them are interested in,” Teddy said, “OUCH! HEY! I was joking!”

“Bad joke man,” Finn said causing me to look up.

“Yeah,” Todd said in agreement, “Too soon. Too soon.”

“How am I going to keep my brother from hearing about this?” I asked more myself than them.

“Your older brother?” Teddy asked me, “Honestly, he’ll probably be so happy to be home he won’t be listening to the rumor mill. The hospital is hell on earth. He’ll be trying to readjust. He won’t be paying attention. Why does it matter?”

“He’ll lose it again,” I answered honestly, “If he…if he finds out he’ll think it’s his fault and he’ll …”

“If he does something like that again it’s not your fault, Will,” Finn tried to assure me, “If you want to try and keep it from him that’s on you but, I think maybe you need to tell him about everything that’s happening.”

Tell John? Especially after he got out of the hospital? No, not right away. Not ever if I could help it. The last thing he needed to hear about was how long I’d been blaming Uncle Ben for all of it. All the things that had happened to me only for him to find out that it had been…no, I couldn’t do that. Not now, not ever.

“Will, WILL!” Finn said his eyes going wide as he looked at me.

“What? I’m…what?” I asked.

“You just did your weird thing,” Finn said, “You’re doing that more today than before. I mean the first half of the week you’re all moody and running off to the bathroom every couple of minutes and now all the sudden you’re blanking out again. Freezing again. What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” I said shaking my head, “Nothing.”

“Dude, come on,” Finn said, “You can be h…”

“Maybe he just doesn’t want to talk about it right now, Finn?” Todd tired.

“Ok,” Finn said not taking his eyes off me, nodding, “I want you to be at my movie though, ok? You’re my friend. It wouldn’t feel right without you there. So, please try to come?”

I nodded my head. I still wasn’t sure I wanted to go. I mean I did just not if Wallace was going to be there. Especially when he found out I’d been whipped for telling him not to touch me. For freaking out when he did. How I had been told if it was over my clothing I had nothing to complain about. Told to suck it up.

The bell rang Finn and Todd both sighing heavily as they walked away. It was now time for Cadrick’s class. Because we didn’t have mentoring on Tuesdays and Thursdays the hours were switched usually so that we could focus on our math and sciences without having to worry about what was going on in our next class.

Danny didn’t make it easy. From the moment I stepped through the door that day he gave me a hard time. A piece of paper on my desk of a crude drawing. It was Lionel, a really bad picture of what was supposed to be Lionel watching me dance as I wore a lion cloth and nothing else. A big smile on my face and the words harem boy written on my chest. Like I wanted to be that. Like it was something that made me happy. Danny snickering as I got up and ripped it into pieces throwing it in the trash.  
“Today we’re doing partner work. That means you that you sit with someone and you work on Math problems together quietly. If you have a question or get stuck on a problem, you ask your partner for help. Only if you cannot figure it out together or with the group in front of you do you actually ask me,” Father Cadrick stated, “You may begin, problems are written on the board.”

He didn’t assign us a partner. Meaning he either didn’t care or it he had more important things to do as he got up and left us going into his adjoining office space but leaving the door open. I sighed. Looking around as the guy in the seat next to me got up and walked away Teddy coming over and sitting next to me.

“So…,” Teddy said, “Partners?”

“Sure,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“You know we didn’t mean anything by it, right?” he asked me.

“By what?” I asked.

“Lunch,” Teddy told me.

“Oh, no. I know. That’s not what I’m thinking about,” I told him.

“Don’t tell me that’s your math face. Because if it is, boy are we in trouble…,” Teddy said, “Because I suck at math.”

“No, I’m not thinking about math either. Are you kidding? This is easy,” I said giving him a small smile as he returned one.

“That’s good to hear. Otherwise, we’d be Fuuuuckked,” Teddy said drawing out the last word, “What’s up?”

“Just stuff. I don’t think I’m going to be able to go. I don’t think my Da will let me,” I told him.

“I know your…him. I can talk to him if you want. He likes me enough. I mean he still keeps me around. Maybe I can talk him into convincing your Dad to let you go?” Teddy asked me.

I shook my head. He would definitely say no and then he’d punish me for Teddy even daring to ask. I was his. I didn’t have the right to go with anyone. Especially anyone I might want to hang out with. Especially if that involved a group of boys my own age. He’d hate me.

“Will, it’s ok. I’ll explain it to him, ok? I’ll be there too. He trusts me,” Teddy said.

“But, he doesn’t trust me,” I said shaking my head, “I already know what he would say. So, don’t even ask ok, Ted? Just tell Finn I’m sorry. I hope you guys have a good time.”

“You know if we…”

“I won’t,” I said shaking my head.

I wasn’t going to even lie about Wallace being there. I didn’t want to be there if Wallace was there and I had a feeling that it didn’t matter what I did he was going to be there. Just thinking about Friday made me dream of drinking bleach because I no longer could tell him he wasn’t allowed to touch me. Every time I closed my eyes I saw that bathroom. That mirror staring back at me like…like some type of fucking broken reality as he humped me, as he pushed my stomach against the sink and grunted. As he told me to call him Daddy. Ask him to fuck me because he wanted to hear me talk just like I had in the video. Because he wanted me too…

“Will…Will,” Teddy snapped his fingers in front of my face causing me to blink, “I don’t know what you’re thinking about, but you need to breathe, ok?”

“I…right,” I said nodding my head, “Right…”

My chest did feel tight. I felt like I was going to be sick. I pulled out my inhaler my face feeling hot as I used it someone behind me laughing.

“Where are the glasses?” someone equipped sounding amused.

“Shut the fudge up before I came back there and deck you!” Teddy shouted without turning around.

“Silence!” Father Cadrick said from his office.

“You ok?” Teddy asked me.

I nodded my head. No one knew about what Wallace had done besides Finn and Pat. Finn who I had made swear he wouldn’t tell anyone because if word got back to Lionel somehow, I’d be in trouble. Big trouble but apparently as long as it was above our clothes it wasn’t as big of a deal as I thought it was.

I was the kid everyone laughed at. They either wanted to fuck with him or fuck him in my case. Sometimes I didn’t know which was worse. Someone hitting me with something in the back apparently hitting Teddy with something too because he jumped out of his seat and turned around picking up whatever it was that had hit him and unbaling it.

“Oh,” he said reading it and nodding his head in an angry way, “Ok. Hey Danny. You want me to show this to my grandpa and see what he thinks of your joke? You want to know what he would say about this?”

“Like he would care? It’s probably true,” Danny said smirking.

“You think it’s true? Are you forgetting what happened when we were 7? You remember what my brother did and who paid for it? It wasn’t him. So, try and think real hard about what would probably happen if he heard this even if it was true. Do you want to deal with that? Should I hold onto this or are you going to stop?” Teddy asked him.

Now there were a lot of confused looks going around the room because not everyone in that class was brotherhood. Not everyone knew what was going on. And Danny’s face fell as he realized that. What he had probably just done to himself because he knew Ted was right. If attention got called in any way to the brotherhood because of Danny’s actions it was Danny’s ass that was going to be tanned, Not Teddy’s and not mine, his own.

“I’ll stop,” Danny said his skin turning slightly gray as he held his hand out to Ted to take back the paper ball Ted was holding in his fists.

“You sure about that? Because if you ever…”

“I said I’ll stop Larkin what the fuck…”

“Language!” Father Cadrick shouted coming out of his office, “Headmaster Watsons’s office now Mr. Freeman!”

“But Fathe…”

“No! Now!” he said pointing at the door so angry he was nearly spitting, “NOW!” he shouted even more loudly Danny sighing before he stood up stomping his way to the door as Danny shot me a death glare.

So, he wasn’t done. Whatever he had put on that paper had been enough to piss Ted off and now…now Danny was pissed at me. Well, even more pissed at me. He already hated me for no reason. Teddy sitting down.

“Do you need to visit the headmaster too Mr. Larkin or are you all right?” Father Cadrick asked.

“I’m ok Father,” Teddy said quietly.

“Good. We don’t use that type of language in this school let alone this classroom. God is listening boys, and God does not take kindly to that type of filth coming out of your mouths. Understood?” Father Cadrick asked the whole class.

“Yes, Father,” we all murmured quietly in confirmation.

“Then please continue your work quietly,” Father Cadrick replied before turning around and going back into his office.

Teddy sighed putting the ball of paper down on the desk beside me, “Take a look if you want.” 

I sighed before I opened it expecting another artistic masterpiece and instead it looked like it was a conversation Danny had been having with someone else. Two sets of handwriting on it the first one clearly Danny’s.

Did you see that little tape?

What one?

The one of the princess and the harem boy with the king?

Oh, yeah, I saw it. IT was interesting.

Interesting? That’s the first time I’ve ever heard you call anything interesting. Is that your way of saying you thought it was hot? The princess with his little chicken legs and harem boy? Please.

He might have chicken legs, but he seems to know how to take charge. And …that ass. That’s all I have to say about that.

You and my dad…ewww…”

After that, I couldn’t ready anymore pushing it back over to Ted and shaking my head. I didn’t want to know what else Danny and whoever the other person was had to say.

“It’s probably Julian,” Teddy said, “He did seem pissed last time he talked to me.”

“You mean last time he yelled at you?” I asked him as I thought about the words on the page. That ass. My…my ass. Everyone knew what that meant. That he liked my…the feeling of the air getting trapped in my lungs again making me want to scream as my face got really warm.

“You need to try, and chill Will, it’s…,”

I shook my head. I didn’t want people to wa…I closed my eyes…

“Hey, hey, squeeze my hand,” Teddy told me, “Squeeze my hand. You’re about to hyperventilate I see it. Don’t do this to yourself. Come on…come on Will just squee…HOLY!!!!!! LORD MY SAVIOR!” Teddy managed to change his sentence as I gave him the hardest finger-crushing grip I could manage.

“Did you become an evangelical pastor Mr. Larkin?” Father Cadrick muttered sounding unimpressed.

“I don’t, father, but I just…I just got touched by…something divine,” Teddy said giving a tight-lipped smile as I was still gripping his hand, “I think in just a minute I am going to end up falling to my knees.”

“To blow your boyfriend,” Someone whispered behind us.

“Well, if you do let me know and please someone escort him to the nurse’s office. I think we will say he is suffering from hysteria and if that is the case you are currently in the wrong school I might add,” Father Cadrick said, “Does anyone know why he might be in the wrong school if he’s suffering from hysteria?” 

The nerd in me perked up. I knew…. of course, I knew.

 _"oh pick me, pick me,"_ my brain shouted even though I hadn’t raised my hand.

“He’s calling you a girl,” I whispered to Ted who frowned at me.

“Anyone have the answer? Mr. McGregor, you skipped a grade surely you can give us a good guess.”

“Only females suffer from hysteria historically speaking,” I answered.

“Very good,” Father Cadrick answered nodding his head, “Very good…are you ok Mr. McGregor?’

“I’m fine sir,” I answered quietly.

“Ok,” he said looking at me before he turned and walked back into his office.

“Julian you are so lucky I didn’t turn around a beat in your face,” Teddy said, “You’re sick. You’ve lost it.”

I let go of Ted’s hand his eyes going wide even though he didn’t look at me his eyes still on Julian. Julian who was smirking at us both, who looked at me and smugly.

“Does he have a killer grip? What about that…”

“Don’t you dare say it,” Teddy hissed in a whisper, “You do, and I won’t be able to help you. So, keep your mouth shut. You know how much trouble both you and Danny are getting yourselves into. Leave Will alone. And I’ll keep my mouth shut about all the teasing you keep subjecting him to. Because he just got called into the headmaster’s office he just put a big huge spotlight on himself. You want to be a part of that?”

He meant talking about brotherhood stuff in school where not everyone knew what was happening. Sure, it was a school built for Teddy so that people would pay less attention to those things but, that didn’t mean people didn’t notice. That other boys wouldn’t mention it at home to their parents because it was weird and seemed off somehow.

“Fine,” Julian said, “I’ll leave him alone.”

“All of us,” Teddy said, “All of us or I swear to god I will make sure you have to deal with my grandpa.”

“Fine, all of you,” Julian said, “Happy? Oh yeah and I’m declaring. So, your little boyfriend should watch himself because the m…”

“You finish that threat you will seriously regret it more than you’ve ever regretted anything your sad pathetic little life, Julian,” Teddy hissed.

Julian shook his head before flipping Ted off Ted pulling my chair closer to him even though I was sitting in it. Impressing me. I hadn’t known he was that strong. He was shorter than I was. He was slightly stocky but still shorter than I was. I wasn’t expecting him to be that much stronger than me.

“What was…” I asked before I exhaled heavily answering the question for myself.

He was threatening me. To threaten me was to threaten something that belonged to Lionel. Teddy would use that to protect me if he had to because while I was just Teddy’s friend I was still someone he cared about. He would tell Lionel what Julian had said. The moment Lionel found out Julian had threatened me he would pay for it and the price would be heavy. Teddy shooting me a look asking me silently if I was ok to which I nodded my head.

When the bell rang that day, I remember feeling extremely stressed out because it was Thursday. Because that meant tomorrow was Friday and there was nothing I could do to change what Friday was going to look like. How things were going to go. The bell ringing as Ted called out to me.

“Hey, Will, can you wait up just a second?” he asked me.

“I don’…I have a bus I h…”

“Sergei will drive you if you miss the bus, I promise ok?” Teddy told me.

I didn’t want to miss the bus. I missed the bus who knew what I would go home to? Who knew what I was going home to anyway? The way I had been treated for telling Hank and Ben to stay away from everyone. For all, I knew I was going to be walking into a toddler orgy of some kind. That thought making my anxiety even worse. Making me feel sick inside as I stood there waiting for Teddy to gather his books and we started walking.

“Ok, what?” I asked him.

“I’m making sure you’re ok. You know what he was going to say, right?” Ted asked me.

“The same thing they all say,” I muttered, “That the moment my ass is up for grabs they’re going to grab it. What about it?”

“That’s not…I want you to know I don’t think that’s ok. I don’t care what happened in that video we were in. Who did what? That’s not ok and papa wouldn’t think that was ok either. Especially at school,” Teddy told me.

“Yeah well, remind them of that. Not me. I don’t wa…I don’t want anything to do with any of it. I’d rather keep my body to myself thank you very much,” I said before walking away making sure I didn’t cry like a fucking pussy.

I nearly sprinted to catch the bus huffing and puffing as I fell into a seat. I hated that fucking limo. I didn’t want to be anywhere near that thing. Ever. Not in a million years. Me closing my eyes.

“Fucking harem boy,” Danny muttered, “You got me the fuck in trouble.”

I frowned at him. I hadn’t said a fucking word to him. Not a word.

“I haven’t done anything to you,” I told him.

“Are you fucking kidding me? It’s assholes like you that make life a hell of a lot harder,” he muttered.

“Assholes like me? Do I call you names? Do I…”

“You don’t have to fucking call me names with your blond ass fucking hair and green ass fucking eyes. With a fucking face like yours. Compared to you no matter who sticks it in you I’m always going to be fucking second rate so don’t be looking at me like I don’t know what’s going on. You get everything, and I get looked at by the right person maybe, maybe one time out of 10. With some hot shot shit like you around I have no chance of getting my way out of here,” Danny spat at me.

He blamed me? He blamed me for…for his life it sounded like to me. Him watching my expression.

“Yeah, that’s fucking right. You just being here ruins my life. My chances so you keep your fucking mouth shut unless your using it to suck my dick like you and whatever sisters you have should be.”

Was he fucking kidding me? My sister was 5 years old. He wasn’t…

“What your fucking mouth,” I hissed.

“Ohhh…harem boy….,” he shook his head at me, “See you and me? We’re going to have problems you think you’re so much better than I am. You keep your mouth shut you keep your teeth. Otherwise, I’ll make sure that hole in your face is only good enough for what they want to shove into it. Do you understand me?”

“I wish someone else was around to hear you say that,” I muttered looking around to see if anyone was paying attention. No one was.

“Why? So, you can go tell your boyfriend? So, he can give me to the baddest bitches he has? News flash you have no idea how many times I’ve been in that back room and you can’t even take a slap on the ass. You think a few strips of skin is going to teach me a lesson? You don’t know fucking shit about me harem boy so unless again, you’re sucking my dick keep your mouth shut.” He spat at me before he got up and moved seats.

So, there wasn’t any reason that he hated me. Not really other than apparently, I was born in the body I had. A body I would rather not have. A body I didn’t want but everyone else did. 

I didn’t bother to look at anyone as I got off the bus. I was beyond tired. I wanted to just…disappear. I wanted to cut, I wanted to scream, and I couldn’t. I punched the outside wall several times before I opened the door. Just to get it out, to relax myself figuring no one was downstairs really Da pulling up just as I pulled my blazer up over my knuckles that were scraped up, bloody.

“Did you just get home?” he asked me.

I nodded my head. I wanted to ask him why he wasn’t in his office, but I didn’t know what to say. What to do. I knew you didn’t question him. You never questioned him about anything.

“What’s going on Honey? You look troubled,” Da asked me as I got out of the car.

“Nothing,” I said, “Just stuff at school.”

“School work?” he asked me.

I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about it. Not that he really cared.

“I have some news that might cheer you up,” he told me as he came towards me, as he hugged me.

“What?” I asked him.

“Geeze, sound excited about it,” he murmured into my ear, “B…John’s coming home.”

“What?!” I asked, “When? Is he…? Da…you’re no…”

“I’m not lying, no,” he told me, “Monday. He’ll be home Monday. I told you it was good news. Hmm?” he asked me kissing my cheek slowly trying to trail over to my neck. 

No, no. I shook my head trying to push him away as he grabbed one of my wrists hard, “Don’t make me say it. Don’t make me remind you. Upstairs, ok honey?”

So, I was…I felt stupid. I thought good news meant good news. Not he gave me good news, told me John was coming home and then made me do that. 

“Why do you look like I just killed your kitten?” Da asked me.

I shook my head not sure there was anything to say. I didn’t want to have sex. I wasn’t about to tell him that though and risk getting myself into even more trouble.

“Come on,” he said letting go of me and standing back brushing some hair behind my ear, “You need a haircut again soon. I have to check your whip marks anyway. So why don’t we go upstairs ok?”

I nodded my head in agreement. They did burn. They had been rubbing up against my undershirt all day. It didn’t feel good. They probably needed to air out, to heal a little bit. Not that I liked the idea of walking around with my shirt off. Especially not in the house I lived in.

“Come on honey,” Da said taking my hand, “I’ve got your book bag.”

He started leading me up the stairs and to the end of the hall where their bedroom was. It wasn’t often I went in there. Hardly ever. Just looking at the door made me nervous. Made me wonder what the point was. What he was going to make me do. I mean, he was probably going to spend the night with me so why was he…just why? Why?

“It’s ok honey. You’re not going to get the floor that dirty,” he said as I paused at the doorway, “Come on.”

I sighed stepping into the room. Not sure what he wanted me to do as he started undoing his shirt. So…yeah…I remember thinking that as I looked at me.

“I’m not going to bite,” Da told me, “Why don’t you get comfortable? Take off your shoes?” he asked me setting my book bag down in the white chair in front of the fireplace that was hardly ever turned on.

I sighed as I bent over. As I took off my shoes letting them lay on the carpet next to that chair wondering if I should take off my blazer too before I felt him behind me, his hands on my shoulders, “Go lay on the bed.”

Oh. It was that kind of…ok. I could do it. I would be ok. I wasn’t allowed to cry like a pussy. Like I was being abused because this wasn’t abuse. That’s what he would bark at me if I started crying. This wasn’t abuse. 

I sighed heavily before I flopped down on the bed face first hoping I could get myself to calm down, get my heartbeat to slow down when it felt like I could hear it in my ears.

“You’re cute. You know that, honey?” Da asked me.

I nodded my head not sure what to say in response. My whole body tensing as I laid there on his bed pulling one of his pillows towards me hugging it tightly as I pressed my face into it.

“It’s ok,” Da told me like he understood how I felt, “I’m not going to hurt you. I just want to …”

I closed my eyes tightly him sighing heavily as I did so, “You’re so tense right now. You need to relax. It’s ok to be nervous but try to relax, ok?”

I nodded my head as he coaxed me into a sitting position pulling my blazer over my head even though he was behind me, reaching around me and undoing my tie sliding it from around my neck as he started undoing the buttons on my shirt.

“You’re very very cute. Very sexy. You know that’s why Lionel likes you so much? Because you’re so sexy, honey. Such a sexy boy…” Da muttered into my ear as he started licking and biting the base of my neck making me squirm as his lips tickled my neck, “You’re very very…” Da said undoing my belt and then my pants untucking the rest of my shirt, “Sexy. Such a sexy little ….” He said turning me around and licking my collarbone.

I closed my eyes tightly. I wanted to scream I didn’t want to…he needed to stop. He needed to stop. I couldn’t…he needed to stop.

“Da…,” I barely managed, “Da, please…please……Da, I re…really…”

“Shhh…it’s nothing to cry about honey,” he told me as I started to whimper.

Easy for him to say. He wasn’t about to have a dick up his asshole. One that he didn’t want there. 

“You’re shaking,” he pointed out, “You need to breathe. Do you think I’m going to hurt you, honey?”

Well, I knew he was going to make my asshole momentarily sting even if he didn’t think that hurt. I was getting ready to have sex with my Da. Didn’t he see how that would be upsetting at all?

“I’m not going to hurt you, honey. There’s no reason to hurt you as long as you’re behaving. You are behaving, right?” he asked me.

I nodded my head. I was trying to be good. I really was. I hadn’t talked about Lionel, I hadn’t cried. I had hung out with my friends and acted almost normal, whatever that was. I hadn’t caused trouble and yet…here I was.

“Why do you look so scared?” he asked me, “Is it because of yesterday? Because I’m not going to do that to you. I’m not going to do what Art and Ben did, ok? It’s going to be more like,” he pushed me down, so I was lying flat on my back grinding against me, “Like what we did. You liked that. I know you liked that.”

I felt my face heating up as I laid there flat as a board underneath him. I wanted to push him away as I wiggled. The feeling of him sitting on my knees as my pants were down around my ankles the only thing keeping his skin from touching mine being my boxers because he was already naked.

“Yeah you did,” he said smiling at me and nodding his head as he pulled my arms out of my shirt before he pulled my undershirt up exposing my stomach slightly, “This…” he said touching my hips, my triangle where my hips sloped inward into my pelvis, “is very very sexy.”

He bit into my belly button just lightly. Hard enough to pinch but not really hurt however it made me jerk. As he sat up, got off my lap pulling my boxers down before he pushed my legs open. Before he started kissing me hard, rough, all tongue and teeth.  
“Da…,” I begged as he grabbed at my left knee trying to get me to wrap my leg around his waist.

I didn’t want to have sex. I didn’t want to have sex. I didn’t…

“Shhh….,” he told me, “It’s ok sexy boy. You know you want it. That’s why you can’t stop moving. Because you want it. You want my cock inside you.”

I felt like my face was on fire. No, I didn’t. No didn’t want that I didn’t….

Somehow, he managed to rub right up against my hole without using his hands to direct himself. Making my eyes go wide. Making my brain stop as I looked at him.

“I want to be inside you,” he moaned rubbing up again me as I made a small whimpering sound, “I know honey. It’s ok, just give me one minute.”

With that he let me go and got up. Going over to his nightstand. I let my whole body go limp. Almost like I was a rag doll. Maybe if I acted like I was dead he wouldn’t…he wouldn’t think it was so fun. Maybe if I just gave in, just let him…he would change his mind.

He came back over to me looking at me, “You really are sexy. You want it, don’t you?” he asked me even though I didn’t respond at all, try to get away or move to touch him back, nothing, “You want my cock because you’re my little cock slut…such a special sexy little cock slut.” He told me as he pushed into me my mouth going wide as I felt that slight burn and tried not to tense.

“It’s ok honey, just give it a second,” he told me just like he always said, “You feel really good. Amazing. Almost as good as John. Your body was made for Cock.” He said as he thrust in my whole-body flinching, clenching down him moaning in excitement as I did so.

I closed my eyes as I hummed. Because I wasn’t ready for him to move quite at that moment. The jolt it sent up my spine shattering my ability to stay still my back arching slightly as I started panting.

“Yeah? You like that?” He asked me putting his hand on the small of my back pressing me more tightly against him, against his body pushing deep into me, hard. Something pinching, even more, causing me to gasp, causing my chest to heave, “Tell me you want it, honey. Tell me you want my cock.”

I didn’t want his cock. I didn’t want to be that. Especially when I knew it was just because he’s happy because John was coming home. That it had nothing to do with me, not that I wanted it to. I didn’t want him to love me like that. Like…he hit something a tingling sensation starting at the roots of my hair.  
“Yeah? Come on honey. Tell me you want it. Tell me you want me to cum inside you,” he muttered, “Say it.”

“I…I wa-wa-want yyyour cocock….,” I barely managed in-between pants…, “Ccummm innnnssssssssssssssidde me…. oh …. oh my…”

I felt it. That pressure building. That pressure that meant I was going to…I tried to slow my breathing, tried to keep myself from giving over to him. From letting him have that. I didn’t want him to have that. I was tired of giving that to people. I was tired of just…

“That’s it, honey, come for me,” Da said probably feeling my body tighten, “Come for me. I want you to come so much honey…come for me…come for me…come on honey…Will honey, my sexy boy, my special boy come for me…come…”

I wanted to tell him no. To scream the words at him like a curse and I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to do it as my eyes started rolling as I felt that pressure push away from my body. As I told myself there was no reason to cry. That just like he and Lionel had both said the evening before there wasn’t any reason to cry because…because it wasn’t abuse. It wasn’t abuse if you liked it and obviously, obviously, my body really liked it.

“Good boy,” Da said kissing my neck hard and then my chest, “My good boy. My sexy, beautiful boy. All my sexy beautiful boys,” he muttered into my stomach his mouth traveling, lower and lower and…

I…I felt dead. I don’t know why I remember wondering if that’s what John had felt like before he had slit his wrists if he had just felt…done. Finished. Like none of mattered anymore. Da doing that and then pushing into me again as I laid there limp. Almost like he didn’t even notice. He pushed me to that place and past it. Each time it jolted me awake before it pushed me farther into myself. Before it felt almost like I was dreaming. Like none of it was real.

“That was nice,” da said suddenly his nose pressed against mine, “That’s real love. See you didn’t cry once? That’s not abuse. You enjoyed it just as much as I did,” he said before reaching down and touching my stomach my lower stomach his hand coming away wet and slightly foggy white wetness before he licked it, “You tastes nice too. Just like he does. That’s a good thing. Means you’re a healthy boy.” He told me.

I wasn’t sure what to say or do at that point. My brain slowly coming to the realization that I had managed to black out. That while he was on top of me I had managed to…something was really wrong with me. Something was wrong. I was wrong there was…

“Will honey are you, ok?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head not sure what to say, “Yeah, Da, I’m fine.” I lied.

He kissed my cheek smiling at me happily as I continued to lay there limply on his bed, “How about you clean up? You can put on your boxers and clean up, upstairs or you could stay down here with me,” he said biting his bottom lip and then licking it at the idea at the idea of me continuing to be naked in his bedroom, in his bathroom.

“I think…I think I’ll up…upstairs,” I told him.

“Ok,” he told me, “You really are sexy. You know that?”

I nodded my head giving him a small smile when all I wanted to do was rip my skin off again. I don’t remember anyone talking to me when the lift opened. Alice or Debbie might have said something, but I felt…disgusting. I didn’t want to talk to or look at anyone. My brain three steps ahead of me as I turned on the shower water and pulled out the box cutter.

He wasn’t seeing me Friday but next Friday. If I made sure they weren’t deep they would be healed. I could even do them over top of the previous ones, my body, my brain craving the sting of water as it hit the layer under my skin, under my epidermis. I wanted it. I needed it. I needed to drain some of the blood away. Let some of it go and get that poison out. The poison that made me “sexy” that made me “hot” or “pretty” or “beautiful”. 

I wanted to be anything but those things. I didn’t want to be a cock slut or little one or a special boy. I wanted to be…I wanted to be Billy. I wanted to be the kid that someone loved. That, someone, didn’t want to hurt because they thought that I was worth caring about just being me. That I wasn’t sexy or hot but that I was just me. I wanted to just be me. 

I picked a spot on my ankle forgetting about the over the previous ones. It was a spot that I knew was easy to cover by a sock. That no one would bother to look at even if I was naked. Just doing it. Doing it just deep enough that the water did burn when it hit me. That it felt cleansing. Safe, right. I didn’t eat that night. I crawled into bed expecting Da to show up and he didn’t. He didn’t come to sleep with me that night. If I had I would have remembered because I had trouble sleeping. Tossing and turning wondering if Lionel had told Wallace his rules, my rules. That I couldn’t tell him no if he didn’t go under my uniform. That meant he could grab me, kiss me, he could fucking hump me again and there wasn’t a word I could say about it. That he could piss on me and if it wasn’t on my bare skin Lionel thought it was probably perfectly fine. I wasn’t looking forward to the morning.


	62. Chapter 62

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will is woken early in the morning to the sound of crying while the boys again try to make plans to meet and hang out after school only to realize how complicated their lives are. It's now Friday and even though Will's on edge Wallace once again takes things too far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1587 to 1617 **Warnings: talk of rape/non-con, forced frottage, forced handjob, underage off script rape/non-con, anxiety, mental health issues, bullying, talk of sexual abuse**

I was woken up earlier than my alarm by what sounded like screaming coming from my bathroom to open the door and find it empty. So, after using it I went next door to John’s room that was supposed to be empty. The way the house was set up was my bathroom shared a Wall with John’s room and John also had his own bathroom. Next to John’s room was James’ room and at the end of the hall was a bathroom that he and Cat shared. Across the hall was Cat’s room and then Mike and Matt had their rooms which had a shared bathroom. Next to Mike’s room was the nursery and another bathroom.

I found James in John’s bed crying. Like he was trying to be silent but crying.

“Bud, what’s wrong?” I asked immediately worried. 

“I was bad, I was bad…. I don’t want him anymore! I was bad!” he said not making any sense.

“Who don’t you want any more?” I asked him sitting down on the foot of John’s bed as I noticed the PJ’s scatted around the room.

“HUGH! HUGH WAS MEAN! HE DIDN’T WANT TO BE, BUT I WAS BAD, SO DADDY MADE HIM!!! JUST LIKE YOU AND DADDY L WILLY! I WAS BAD, SO HE PUNISHED HIM TOO!!! I’M SORRY WILLY I’M SO SORRY I WON’T BE BAD ANYMORE PLEASE TELL DADDY I WON’T BE BAD ANYMORE!!! I’M SORRY!!!”

Now that broke my heart. Hugh was the stuffed dolphin he slept with. I had been mostly avoiding James since it had happened. Because I had felt guilty, dirty forgetting completely how it must have made him feel. To have me…ignore him like that. How he probably felt like he had done something wrong to make me angry with him. How he was telling me he was sorry…how he had been bad so that was why Lionel had made me do that to him when it felt like it had been just the opposite.

“Bud, no,” I said shaking my head as I crawled up the bed and pulled him into my arms noticing he was naked under the covers, “You weren’t bad. You were never bad, ok? I’m sorry that it seems like I’m mad at you but, I’m not. I’m mad at myself because what I did to you was bad. I’ve been bad, not you. You haven’t done anything bad or wrong ok? I swear to you.”

“Then why don’t you love me anymore?” he asked me quietly still crying.

“I still love you just as much as I always have, bud I promise. I’ve just been really stressed out. Honestly, it’s not you that did anything wrong. What I did to you was wrong,” I confessed.

“But you said he was going to hurt me worse. He was going to stick his penis in my butt and that al…always…,” he started whimpering, “it hurts…it hurts Willy it…”

“Shhh…I know,” I told him trying to calm him back down, “I know it does. I’m sorry. That doesn’t make what I did to you ok though. Yeah, I was protecting you but, that doesn’t make it ok. I promised I would never hurt you and that hurts you so much. And I didn’t ever want to hurt you bud, not in a million years.”

“But why are you mad at me then? If I wasn’t bad and you were bad and…” he managed to ask through his tears.

“I’m not mad at you. Bud, I swear I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at myself for doing that to you. Because you’re such a good boy and I love you so much. And you try so hard and they want to do those things to you and now they want me to do them too. You don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve that. And honestly, with school, there’s some stuff going on that…I really don’t need you to worry about but that has me stressed too. I know I haven’t spent a lot of time with you lately and I’m sorry. That’s my fault. I never meant to make you think I hated you or I was mad at you because I’m not. I promise,” I told him kissing his temple, “I love you. I love you so much, bud. I was never mad at you.”

“Promise?” he asked me again quietly his tears finally starting to slow down.

“I promise. How about this weekend if Da will let us you have a sleepover in my bed, ok? All weekend,” I told him.

“I’d like that,” he told me.

“Can I ask you something, bud?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah,” he answered just as quiet.

“Did Da hurt you last night, in here? Is that why you’re in John’s room and you don’t have clothes on?” I asked him.

He nodded his head hiding his face in his hands. I hugged him closer. Realizing how tiny he was. How little. He was only six years old. He was just a little guy and Da…the fact that Da could do that to him especially after he had done it to me and told me how good I had felt. How…much he had liked it made me beyond angry.

“Are you sticky anywhere?” I asked him.

“No, it’s itchy and my tummy hurts,” he answered me.

“Yeah, it does that, doesn’t it?” I asked him to which he nodded his head into my shoulder.

“It makes you sleepy too,” he told me.

He was right about that one. It always made me feel tired and gross. Like if their ejaculate dried on your skin it made it itch and then just having them pushing into your body like that even if it didn’t feel raw it hurt, made your insides feel like they’d been pushed around and made it hard to use the bathroom, made it painful to use the bathroom. That was something I had experienced for the first time at eight. I couldn’t imagine trying to deal with that pain at six.

“Willy?” he asked me.

“Yeah?”

“Why does it make it feel like you have to poop but then you can’t, and it really hurts bad after they do that?” he asked me.

At this point, I was pretty sure he had only been penetrated a handful of times. And while I didn’t like thinking about the fact that they had been raping him when he was so little, his body was so little it was a fact that had to be faced. And he was going to have questions about it because it does hurt. It does make you sore whether you are 5 or 15 it’s not a comfortable feeling not being able to have a bowel movement when you need to and experiencing a decent amount of pain when you often try. That’s why John and I had gotten into the habit of using a lot of stool softeners on days where we needed to.

“Hmmm,” I made the sound while thinking about the best way to explain it to a 6 year old, “You know how when you play with playdough sometimes people like to really pack it down with their fingers in the tube so the next time you go to play with it, sometimes it can be hard to get out?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he said his eyes lighting up “OH! They do that with your poop when they put their penis in your butt?”

“Yes, sometimes it upsets your tummy and that’s why it hurts so bad,” I told him, “Does it hurt bad right now?”

“Like it’s pinching my belly on the inside and it’s sore?” he asked me, “Yeah.”

“Ok,” I said rubbing his head, “How about we go get you cleaned up and I’ll talk to Alice when she gets here, and we’ll see if you can stay home today, how does that sound?” I asked him.

“But I want to see Robby today. It’s Friday on Friday we get extra outside time if we’re good. I like playing with him. He makes me happy,” James told me.

“Yeah, Bud but, if your tummy is hurting you’re going to be uncomfortable all day. You can’t go to school like that,” I told him.

“But, your tummy hurts,” he told me.

“How do you know my tummy hurts?” I asked him.

“You didn’t eat dinner last night and you came upstairs in your underwear,” he reminded me, “Mike wanted to see if you were ok, but Alice told us we should leave you alone because you weren’t feeling good.”

I hadn’t realized they had noticed but, of course, they had. I was their older brother. One of their caregivers that were there since John and mum were both gone. James was right though, usually after because your stomach especially or lower abdomen is cramping you don’t really feel like eating. Or at least I didn’t. I hadn’t even realized it was a pattern that I had developed until that morning when James pointed it out to me. I hadn’t even thought about it at that point in time, but it was around 5:30 in the morning.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “But that was last night. My tummy doesn’t really hurt that bad anymore. You said your tummy hurts now. So, that means you should probably stay home from school.”

“What if I want to see Robby though? It’s Friday,” he insisted again.

“Look, I want you home today ok?’ I told him, “That’s the end of it. We’re not discussing it. You’re not going to school today.”

“But I…’

“No bud, no. You’re staying home ok? I want you to stay home. I want you here with Alice and Debbie where you’ll be safe. You can’t tell me all the fathers in the lower school are safe not after last year and what you told me about your teacher. I want to know you’re safe and you’re not hurting yourself by sitting in those hard chairs. So, how about I run you a bath and then you can sleep in one of my shirts for as long as you want ok?” I told him.

I knew I was probably going to end up punished for it. For not running it by Da and instead just telling Alice that James needed to stay home because he had an upset stomach but, I didn’t care. At that point, I had put him through enough. Da had put him through enough. He had been running around for days thinking that I was angry at him because of something I had done. Something that I had been forced to do to him. 

“Ok,” he said nodding his head at me before I stood up and then picked him up not even allowing him to walk because his body was just so tiny and I understood the type of pain he would be in when he went to use his legs especially if what Da had done to him had only happened an hour or two before I had found him. 

The fact that he was naked barely registered with me as I carried him to my room and set him down on my bed.

“I could have walked,” he told me quietly.

“Sorry, I just…I’ll start the water ok? I want to get you cleaned up. Or you know let you clean yourself up. Whatever you need ok bud,” I told him.

“You don’t have to feel bad Willy,” he told me as if he was reading my mind, “I just thought you were mad.”

“But it’s my fault you thought I was mad,” I told him, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. You didn’t do anything wrong and I should have clearer about that. Da’s been…a lot of things have been going on bud, ok? It’s not you.”

“Like what?” he asked me just as I got into the bathroom.

“Daddy L got mad at me for something,” I told him.

“About what?” he asked me making me cringe.

“I told someone they shouldn’t touch me, so he got mad. I haven’t been feeling like…like talking to my friends a lot because I’m not sure what’s ok to say....”

“Because of Daddy L?” James asked me.

I nodded my head, “So he got upset and said I was acting like I didn’t understand so he…helped me understand,” I told him trying to be vague because I didn’t want to talk about it.

I had stressed being honest just like mum and Julie had stressed being honest with each other in Montana, but I didn’t want to talk about that. Or the fact that I had been cutting myself. He was too little to understand those things. He didn’t need to know that they had whipped me. That if Lionel ever got mad enough he might whip him. Those were things he didn’t need to know.

“What did he do to make you understand?” he asked me.

“You don’t have to worry about ok bud? I’m fine now. There’s no reason to worry about it,” I told him.

“But I saw him leaving. He didn’t say anything to me he was already driving away but he waved. Pat put his arm around me and told me it was ok, and I still don’t know why,” James told me.

“Because Pat cares about you like John and I care about you,” I notified him.

“But, he’s not my brother,” he told me, “He’s my friend.”

“Friend’s look out for each other though and he was looking out for you,” I told him.

“But…I thought he was John’s friend,” James told me.

“He is but, he’s your friend too,” I told him.

“Is he the same friend to me that he is to John?” he asked me.

It took a minute for me to remember a couple of the things he had walked in on before we had left for Montana the question making face feel hot, “I hope not. Pat and John are very special friends.”

“You mean they are best friends forever like Robby is my best friend forever?” he asked me.

“Ok, what do you think a best friend forever is?” I asked him.

“It’s your best friend that you have sleepovers with sometimes and you hug them, and you spent forever with them because they are your best friend,” he told me.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head not sure what to say to that, “And you think Robby is this friend for you?”

“I know he is. He said he wants to be with me forever and I want to be with him forever. That’s why we’re going to get married so we can be together forever,” he notified me.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head not sure I wanted to explain to him what gay was quiet yet. The whole thing making me remember Marcus, who had been my first crush causing me to smile slightly.

“They kiss you know,” he told me interrupting the thought.

“Who?” I asked him.

“Pat and John,” he told me, “I remember that.”

“I’m sure you do,” I told him.

“John says that normal people share real love kisses with their best friends forever and not their Da’s. Is that true?” he asked me.

Oh boy. We were having that talk again. At a quarter to six in the morning. Awesome.

“Yes, generally that is the idea. However, there are people who believe that your best friend forever when you’re a boy should be a girl,” I said.

“That’s what Tucker said. He’s a year older than we are and apparently he said that holding hands with another boy is a sin and that it means we’ll go to hell if we do it again but, I don’t know any girls and Robby said the only girl he knows is his older sister Maria and she has cooties he says,” James told me.

It took everything in me not to laugh. He was cute. Way too cute. He didn’t even sound upset that some guy had told him he was going to go to hell for holding hands with his “best friend forever” as he apparently thought this Robby was. His name making me think about something, remember something.

“Have I met Robby?” I asked him.

“I think so. He has glasses and then dark brown hair. His skin is darker than ours but only just a little bit. He says it’s because his grandma is from Brazil and his eyes are this really awesome gold. He’s really …. he makes my tummy tingle.”

“Oh?” I asked him.

“Yeah. He lets me play with his glasses sometimes. I think I see better with them, but he only has the one pair and he needs them,” he told me.

“Ok,” I said sitting up addressing something I was afraid might be going on.

“Does he make your tummy tingle because he touches you?” I asked him.

“Especially when he touches me,” he told me.

Was he kidding me? They were touching each other? Like that? No, that was not ok.

“Ok, where does he touch you?” I asked him.

“My hand. Sometimes he hugs me. He leans on me sometimes. Why?” he asked me.

“You aren’t touching each other in other places?” I asked him.

“No!” he said shaking his head, “That’s bad you’re not supposed to do that. John and Pat said you’re not supposed to do that until you know each other for a long long time. Even if you know you’re best friends forever right away you shouldn’t do that for a long time.”

“Pat and John are very right,” I told him sighing in relief, “We keep our hands to ourselves at school too. Ok?”

“I know that. Father Blake says that if we need a hug we should ask him and not anyone else,” he told me.

“Is that your teacher?” I asked him feeling very worried.

“My art teacher. He doesn’t ask us if we want to sit on his lap or anything like that. He’s nice.” He told me.

“He’s not nice. He’s not…he’s not doing that to be nice. You know how Daddy L…how he asks questions and he pretends to…he pretends to be nice and then he hurts you?” I asked him.

“Willy are you ok?” He asked me frowning at me.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine. But it’s like that. Don’t trust that guy. Don’t ever let Father…what’s his name? Father Blair…?”

“Father Blake,” he corrected me.

“Father Blake, don’t ever let him hug you. Not ever ok? Promise me,” I told him.

“I promise. I only like hugs from you guys and Robby anyway,” he told me.

“Ok,” I told him nodding my head, “Good. That’s good. How about you get in the shower ok?”

“Ok,” he said going to stand up and stumbling a little bit before I ran and grabbed him.

“You ok, bud?” I asked him.

“My legs feel weird and I’m itchy down there and my tummy hurts,” he told me.

“Did you forget because we were talking about other things?” I asked him.

“Yeah, I want to see Robby today,” he told me, “He’ll make me feel better.”

“If your tummy is hurting because of that it means you can’t poop eventually it’s all you’re going to be able to do. Probably in the next couple of hours after you eat so I think it’s better if you just stay home today. So why don’t you take a shower and then we’ll talk about it some more ok?” I told him.

“Ok,” he said before he went quiet as I helped him towards the bathroom and helped him sit down on the toilet as I turned on the water, “Willy?” he whispered right before I hit the faucet.

“Yeah?” I asked him turning around to see his face beaming red, “Bud, it’s ok. You can ask me anything. You know that.”

“I huh, can you …” he paused.

Apparently, he was embarrassed about whatever he was trying to ask. The poor kid. My poor kid. His face bright red as he looked at me. Look like he was ashamed.

“Help you wash because it’s hard to reach and it feels gross?” I asked him.

“I know it’s gross I’m sorry but I…,” he trailed off.

“Yeah bud,” I told him, “I have to get up soon anyway so how about I hop in with you and I’ll help you get it ok?” 

“Thank you,” he told me quietly.

“No problem,” I told him as I started to undress after adjusting the water temp.

It wasn’t a big deal. If he needed help feeling comfortable in his skin and reaching places to make sure there wasn’t anything left there I would do it. Even if it was a little weird. Even if I had been hoping to get a little more sleep because it had taken me forever to fall asleep in the first place. I felt like I had broken his heart and Da had helped break his body for the day. I washed and then helped him wash, getting his back and helping him make sure his insides were rinsed out before I got out and started getting dressed. The moment I heard the lift I went and met Debbie at the lift door.

“Where’s Alice?” I asked her.

“She’s at home. I get you kids off to school in the morning now and stay until 5 right after dinner, and then she’s going to be switching to mostly nights,” she told me smiling, “why?”

I almost dropped to my knees and thanked God. Maybe then we wouldn’t have to worry about Da. Maybe…

“James, he had a hard night and he said his tummy is hurting him. I think he should stay home from school today,” I told her.

“Ok,” she said, “I’ll…hi Jay. What are you doing? Will said your tummy was hurting,” Debbie said.

“Not that bad,” he said.

“Bud,” I said going over to him, “Look. I know you want to go to school but, I need you to think about what’s going to happen at lunch. All that food is going to hit you. Your stomach is going to start cramping again and then you won’t be able to stop yourself from pooping. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt a lot and you’re going to start crying. Do you really want to be stuck in the bathroom until the teacher sends someone to check on you and then take you to the nurse’s office and then Da is probably going to have to come to school and get you? Or you’re going to have an accident and then he’s going to have to come to get you. Do you understand?”

“Da?” he asked me quietly.

“Yes, Da because Debbie is going to be too busy watching the babies to come. So please., please stay home bud?” I begged him.

“So, I’ll be safe if I stay home because Da will be in his office and Debbie will be here but if I go to school to see Robby and I get sick…” he trailed off explaining it to himself.

“That’s right,” I said encouraging him, “Da is going to be the one to pick you up. It’s going to interrupt his day and he’s going to probably either be upset he had to call off work or take his lunch hour to come to pick you up so he’s going to want you to help him and De…” I didn’t finish my sentence thinking about how scared he would be. How Da would put his hand on his knee, tell him it was ok. How James would freeze up. Go quiet how…

“It’s ok. That’s why you’ll stay home so we don’t have to worry about any of that,” Debbie chimed in giving him a smile, “So why don’t you go and change out of your school clothes and go back to sleep for a little bit sweetie?”

“Ok Debbie,” James told me before he walked down the hall to his room.

“He’ll be ok,” she told me.

“I…, sorry,” I said.

“For what Will? You didn’t do anything,” Debbie said quietly.

“I…,” I shrugged my shoulders, “Anyway. I have to finish getting ready. I think Mike and Matt are going to be out…” just then their doors opened.

“Ok, I’ve got it. I’m going to go and check on Catty. Pop tarts for breakfast,” she said, “We have strawberry and blueberry.”

“Ok,” I told her, “Thank you, Debbie.”

It was probably 15 minutes after six. I had to finish getting ready because my bus came to pick me up at 7 so usually by 6:50 I had to be outside. I went to my room and finished getting dressed.

I was sorry because I had frozen up. Almost cried because I was remembering how often Uncle Ben did stuff like that to me. Every time I was in the car with him. How often I had seen John freeze up, his back going straight from where I was sitting in the seat behind him Da’s arm slightly extended towards John’s side. His hand in John’s lap.

How that was James’ future. Mike and Matt’s future. The same future that Mac and Andy and Shay would have. Who knew what Cat and Laura and Mary were in for. Who knew what Da would do to them or if he would let other people do things to them as well. How Lionel was…already doing those things to him. To me. And I just… it felt wrong and stupid to cry about it. I mean, after all, it wasn’t abuse, right?

When I got on the bus I saw a face that made me relax slightly Quinn smiling at me sheepishly as I climbed onto the bus. I was relieved to see him because I wanted to tell him I was sorry. Sorry that he had gotten whipped. That I had gotten whipped too. Something I hadn’t told anyone.

“You look really wiped the morning,” Quinn told me as I sat down on the bus next to him.

“I…,” I started, “How are you? Are you ok?”

Quinn frowned at me, “Are you? I’m fine. Why are you asking?”

“Finn said something about why you weren’t in school,” I admitted.

“Oh, that. Yeah, no…I’m fine. When you walked out of that photo shoot with your brother apparently you weren’t supposed to leave but they needed an older model for some stuff with Ryder and …Ryders my brother. There are certain things I won’t even let my dad force me to do. They told me I could either do stuff or I could take a whipping. I told them to fucking whip me so they…they did. I’m fine though. Still a little sore, I have a nice stripe still down my back but otherwise I’m fine,” He explained.

“I’m sorry. I knew it was my fault…I’m sorry that I let you…,”

“Not your fault. I had the choice. They gave me a choice and I made a choice to protect my brother just like you would have I’m sure. Hell, I’m beyond sure you would have. So…yeah, it’s no skin off your back,” Quinn said smiling at his pun, “Just mine. So, what’s going on with you?”

“I don’t know,” I told him, “I was being too whiny. So…”

“What does that mean?” he asked me.

“Why do you think he waits so long between lashes?” I asked him Quinn’s eyes going wide.

“Holy…” he sighed looking at me, “The leader wanted that for you because you were just whining? What the fuck is wrong with…oh. Right.”

“What does that mean?” I asked confused.

“Just that…look everyone knows that when you’re his, you’re good. That’s all I meant. Maybe that’s why because if you’re not even for little things he has someone…do that. Whip you and stuff. Because everyone thinks of his boys as suck-ups.   
When Ted was his no one talked to Ted but Todd. Like not even Julian really liked him because everyone thought he was a suck-up, a spy. Everyone for sure thought he was going to track until this one party. Some of the trackers were messing with this kid. Bad, like really bad. And Teddy stopped them. Told them he would tell the leader. So, they stopped. They told Ted to keep his mouth shut. And he told them they if they wanted to attempt to double anyone again that was that young he’d make sure they were intimate with Sergei’s fist. 

After that everyone was kind of impressed. I mean he had balls of steel. It was his own fucking brother he said that to and he did it for a one. I mean…kid was a throwaway and Teddy stood up for him. So, Finn and Julian started hanging out with him and then I did of course. I mean he’s …you have to get used to him but…”

“He’s a good guy, yeah,” I agreed, “So people think I’m a tracker?”

“No, they just think you’re a suck-up,” Quinn said, “I mean I don’t. Obviously but…some guys do. Others are worried you’re a tracker and some of the trackers honestly…well…, I’m sure you know what their issues are.”

“No kidding,” I said.

Quinn’s frowned deepened, “Are you ok?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

“You keep saying that but, I’m having trouble believing it,” Quinn said.

“Really though. I’m ok. “

“If you weren’t, you could talk to me about it though. You know that, right?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “I can talk to any of you. I know that. I’m just tired. James didn’t sleep well last night so…yeah.”

“Something bad happen?” Quinn asked me.

“Yeah,” I said, “I made him stay home. It’s just…it’s depressing. To …to talk about all of that.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. I get woken up like twice a week by probably each of them. I usually take a nap after school and then do my homework and eat and go to bed. Then do the whole thing all over again,” Quinn told me.

“Well, apparently our nannies have decided that one of them should be there at night. Before they were both coming in and leaving at the same time. Now Debbie is coming in at 6 in the morning and leaving around 6 at night when Alice comes in. Alice is then going to be there they said until later at night. So, I’m hoping that might help a little bit,” I told him.

“Well, that’s good. We don’t have a nanny. We have …well, Dad. Dad is…yeah, anyway,” Quinn said not finishing what he was saying figuring I probably understood which I did, “I’m actually happy to be back at school. Apparently, he’s having someone draw up papers so Ryder and Rick can start school soon.”

“That’s really cool. It will probably be good for them,” I told him smiling.

“I’d say so right now they are getting any and all information from a tutor and Dad and their teaching methods are really not healthy. They don’t even know how to interact with other people really. They just…freeze in fear. It’s kind of sad really.”  
“James wants to be best friends forever with his friend Robby. That apparently involves marrying him. Holding Robby’s hand makes his tummy tingle,” I muttered.

Quinn chuckled a little bit at that, “You know what that means, right?”

“Yes,” I told him, “I’m just wondering how long that’s going to take for him to figure out that people don’t consider that normal.”

“I don’t think it’s abnormal. Being…gay or whatever,” Quinn told me causing me to turn and look at him.

“Whatever?” I asked.

“Well, Alice Markel I met at the sixth-grade dance last year... she was pretty cute, but I also think…”

“I’m hot. I remember,” I told him to which he smiled and nodded his head.

“You weren’t supposed to hear that,” he commented.

“Well, I did,” I told him.

“Most people are flattered when someone finds them attractive,” he pointed out.

“Yeah well, most people aren’t…,” I shrugged my shoulders.

“True,” he said, “So it’s nothing against me personally it’s just that you aren’t really into people being into you?”

“Quinn,” I sighed, “You’re my friend. I like you as a friend. I think you’re a great friend really, I do. I just you don’t know what the…”

“Sexy, beautiful, pretty, hot…and before you ask no I didn’t watch I heard it, someone that was so…”

“Don’t repeat whatever it was you heard them say. I fucking hate that thing and I don’t care to tal…”

“I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” he told me.

“Quinn,” I said, “Could we just stop, please? Today is a mentoring day and I just…”

“That’s right. I almost forgot about that part of this year. Someone bad?” he asked me.

“Finn’s brother,” I said not even wanting to think his name let alone say it. Remind myself that I was supposed to sit there next to him and that if he didn’t put his hands under my clothes he could touch me however he liked, and I wasn’t supposed to say anything about it. I was just supposed to let it happen like it was no big deal. Like it wasn’t even my body he was doing that to.

Like I wasn’t trapped inside it as he wrapped his body around me. As he put his hand on my shoulder or my leg. As he told me how smart I was, how special. Like it wasn’t something I heard all the time. Something I despised about myself.

“Are you ok?” Quinn asked me shaking his head looking almost more angry than shocked or upset.

“I’ll be fine,” I answered not wanting to think about it anymore. How I was a whore. A whore that didn’t even have a right to say no. That didn’t even get to decide who I hung out with. Not really. 

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Quinn said, “What hour is your mentor hour?”

“Second,” I answered.

“And mentor hour on Tuesday and Thursday is more like English, right?” he asked me.

“Right,” I said, “We only have 3 teachers for the whole grade.”

“I know I have Cadrick for math and science and then Father Duane for English and mentorship. Who do you have?” Quinn asked me.

“Cadrick math and science and Bellington English and mentorship,” I answered.

“First hour on Monday, Wednesday, Friday Cadrick?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I said, “With Danny Freeman and Julian.”

“Oh well shit. Your year sounds like a blast already. At least you have me there now too,” Quinn said like that made the situation any better.

“Ted too,” I told him, “For Cadrick’s class. I have Todd and Finn in Belington’s.”

“Well at least you aren’t alone with him hopefully,” Quinn said, “I’ll help Ted keep Danny off your back, ok?”

“Thanks,” I said, “Wait how do you know he’s been…?”

“Picking on you? Because he’s an asshole. Always has been,” Quinn said shrugging his shoulders as the bus pulled up, “I’m sorry if I upset you. I didn’t mean to you know that, right?”

“I know,” I said, “I’m fine. If I wasn’t you’d be able to tell by now I’m sure.”

He gave me a look and nodded his head like he knew I wasn’t fine. That maybe it wasn’t him that was bothering me so much but, other things. Things that being near them made me think about like how Lionel had told me not to whine or mope because I wasn’t being abused. How he had whipped me.

I don’t remember Danny making fun of me at all that day. He probably threw something at me once or twice. That was pretty normal. Having things thrown at my back in that class while Father Cadrick wheezed and read a book at his desk at the front of the room. I was glad he didn’t say anything to me. That Julian decided not to say anything to me either, but I felt more and more anxious as the clock ticked down to my next class. To my mentor hour where I had to sit next to Wallace. Where I had to deal with my body that was still sore and the possibility of him hanging on me sitting right next to me and not giving me any space. 

As soon as attendance was taken we were taken to the library. I remember just trying to go numb, trying not to think about it. He walked up to me frowning.

“Are you ok? You look really tired,” Wallace muttered looking at me.

“I’m fine,” I lied.

He shook his head, “How about we go over to the self-directed study area? I have some books I need to pull for a report I’m doing and I’m sure you have question sheets to fill out or something. Does that work for you?”

I sighed. The self-directed study area was an area with four or five small couches. We could go anywhere in the library if we stayed with our mentor or mentee. I wasn’t sure a couch was somewhere I wanted to sit with him though. Him looking at me before he put his hand on my shoulder gently like he was trying to comfort me.

“Come on,” he said, “it’s this way.”

He led me over to them a couple of other guys that weren’t brotherhood were sitting there. I wasn’t sure where Finn was, but he physically guided me to a tartan couch and made me sit down before he walked away.

I was tired. I remember being tired and having my backache, my stomach hurt. It had been two days since they had beaten me. The whip marks no longer stung really but it was more like the muscles under my skin were sore. Being irritated by the clothes I was wearing. I hadn’t slept well the night before and had been woken up early so yeah, I was tired. I was more than tired.

I set my binder down on my lap and opened it looking at the work I had to do. Wondering if there was any way I could sleep before I heard a bit of laughter coming my way two guys I didn’t really know that well coming over and sitting down on the couch across from me as Finn and Todd sat down in the seats closest to me. I looked closer at them noting that the older boys were their mentors.

“What’s up?” One of them with the dark hair and blue eyes asked, “Where’s Wallace?”

“He went to go grab books,” I said quietly not sure what else there was to say about it.

“You look like someone kept you up all night,” the blond one said Finn shooting him a dirty look.

“You’re not funny C-Dan,” Todd muttered.

“What do you mean? He’s hilarious,” Rich said looking at me, “You look…no.”

I wanted to know what that meant but I didn’t dare to ask Wallace coming back with a pile of books in his hands and sitting down next to C-Dan as he looked at me seeming slightly disappointed.

“You two should give him some space. He’s not feeling good,” Wallace told them.

“Ich bin sicher, dass er uns bevorzugt,” Finn muttered (I’m sure he prefers us to you.)

“Don’t start that kid,” Rich said shaking his head, “I’m too tired and I only know some words. Don’t give me a headache.”

“Fine,” Finn said quietly, “I was just saying he’d probably rather sit with us than with him.”

That was very true. I was so tired that if he tried anything I wouldn’t have been able to fight him off. It felt like as the hours ticked by my body felt more and sorer. I just wanted to sleep. Todd nudging me with his foot slightly and giving me a small smile when I looked at him.

“No flirting boys,” C-Dan muttered as Wallace gave us a look.

“I wasn’t,” Todd said, “I was waking him up because he’s falling asleep.” He said as I yawned deeply.

“The other couch is open, why don’t you four move over there?” Wallace asked.

“Because you’re in our group for our research project on the ethical dilemma of cloning humans,” Rich muttered, “I would rather work on this today than waste my weekend working on it.”

“Fine whatever. Don’t let me mentor my mentee,” Wallace muttered.

“You mean grope your mentee? I’d rather do school work. The poor kid looks half dead, let him fucking sleep,” Rich said quietly.

“I’m going to,” Wallace said.

“Fine,” Rich sighed, “Get up Todd.”

“What? No,” Todd said shaking his head.

“Relax I don’t have any interest in that micropenis between your legs that’s not my thing. I just want you to sit over here so he’ll catalog our references as he should. Now get over here before I go tell father Van Zinger you’re not listening to me like you should be,” Rich sighed heavily.

Todd gave me an apologetic look before he stood up switching seats with Wallace C-Dan looking highly amused. 

“Have you ever done that Wal?” C-Dan asked.

“Wha…?” Wallace started to ask before apparently understanding the question that still wasn’t connecting inside my head.

“No,” Wallace said, “Why?”

“Well your brother is just a cuter version of you,” C-Dan said, “So don’t you think it would be kind of…”

That’s when I noticed what had C-Dan so amused. Wallace was on my right while Finn was on my left. I was in-between them. I was the cream in the Oreo sandwich so to speak. 

“Verdammt nicht. Sag ihm, er muss seinen verdammten Mund schließen,” Finn said sounding angry, (Don’t fucking say anything. Tell him to shut his damn mouth.)

“Come again?” C-Dan said apparently understanding something I didn’t.

“He’s right,” Wallace said, “As much as I want to discuss it maybe I’ll bring it up to my dad later.”

“I would,” C-Dan said nodding his head, “Ok, grab a book and let’s get to reading.”

He picked a book up from the pile next to them as Finn grabbed his binder off the floor where he had set it next to the couch opening it up like mine was stretched across my lap. Everyone went silent. I started feeling sleepy wishing my body would stop hurting, my head would stop aching and finding that neither of those things wanted to happen. My body just feeling tenser and tenser. My brain feeling like it was getting jolted every time he moved beside me.

At first, he wasn’t touching me, just sitting next to me. I was probably closer to touching Finn than Wallace, to be honest. At first, it was so slight I barely noticed it until I felt his knee leaning against mine causing me to move slightly and closer to Finn.  
I knew I wasn’t supposed to be moving away. That it was stupid to do it. But, I didn’t want him touching me. I didn’t…I could barely stand myself as it was let alone him too. He waited a few minutes and then he was touching me again this time his hand resting on the back of my vest under my blazer. At first, I thought maybe I’d be able to deal with that. Because there were more layers. But then he started fumbling with my vest. Like he was trying to untuck it from my pants without being obvious. Pulling at the fabric lightly and then harder.

I wanted to beg him to stop. To tell him not to touch me. To leave me alone because my whole body was complaining to me. That I needed to lay down. That I needed to get away from them.

He pressed too hard hitting something making me jump and hiss in pain.

“Are you ok?” Finn asked me as Wallace retracted his hand quickly everyone noticing apparently because C-Dan made a comment.

“Really, trying to cop a feel in class?” he muttered nearly laughing.

Finn’s face fell his eyes going dark, “He better not be. He’ll get his fu…”

“Language,” C-Dan said shaking his head, “We’re in school don’t speak that way in school. It makes all of us look bad.”

“All of us?” Finn asked nearly hissing the phrase.

“Yes,” C-Dan said looking around to see if anyone was listening, “Us.”

“Nur weil ich dieses verdammte Zeichen an meinem Körper habe, heißt das nicht, dass ich einer von euch bin. Ich werde niemals einer von euch sein und das werde ich dir versprechen,” Finn said spitting as he said the words, (Just because I have this damn mark on my body does not mean I am one of you. I will never be one of you and I will promise you that.)

With that he got up stomping away. Leaving me feeling…something felt wrong. It felt wrong.

“What did he just say?” C-Dan said, “Did he just say what I think he said?”

“What do you think he said?” Wallace said looking at the book he was holding not bothering to look up.

“That he doesn’t belong to us,” C-Dan said.

“Pretty much that’s what he said, yeah,” Wallace answered.

“I’ll be back,” C-Dan said.

“Don’t ride it too hard,” Rich said smiling.

“Oh, shut up. I can’t do anything like that anyway. Not yet,” C-Dan said as he got up walking away in Finn’s direction.

“Huh…can I go ch…”

“No,” Rich said gripping Todd’s upper thigh hard, “stay. Unless you want to make it a party.”

Todd cringed as Rich dug his fingers into Todd’s thigh through his pants. I felt like all the air had left the room Todd’s body going ridge his spine straightening like someone had just shoved a rod up his ass.

“That’s what I thought,” Rich said letting go of Todd’s thigh who visibly relaxed rubbing his leg where Rich had just been digging his nails into Todd’s leg.

“You have anything you want to say?” Wallace asked me.

I shook my head. It wasn’t abuse my ass. This wasn’t abuse…they hadn’t just…God knew what C-Dan was doing to Finn. What Wallace wanted to do to me. Rich clearing his throat.

“How about we go wash up?” Rich suggested, “You two stay here.”

“Fine,” Wallace said standing up and muttering something under his breath I didn’t understand.

I waited until they were out of each shot before I spoke, “Are you ok Todd?”

He nodded his head, “He pinched me. I’m fine though.”

“Are you sure?” I asked him again.

“I’m not the one who looks like someone just pointed a gun at me,” Todd said, “You’re shaking. Are you ok?”

“What if…what if…”

“Hey, breathe, ok? Don’t draw anyone’s attention otherwise we’re all getting into trouble,” Todd told me, “Finn is ok. I don’t think Wallace is going to just…”

“He will,” I insisted, “He more or less told me himself that Wallace…”

“Ok,” Todd said coming over and sitting next to me, “ok. We’ll deal with it. We’ll help him deal with it but going in there and trying to stop them isn’t going to help him or us.”

“I know,” I said closing my eyes and wiping at them hard. Hoping I could stop myself from crying. 

It wasn’t abuse. I remember telling myself that as I sat there. That it wasn’t abuse because whatever they were doing it wasn’t going to be too bad. It wasn’t really going to hurt him. That if I could trick myself into believing it wasn’t abuse it would be ok.  
It was a few minutes but eventually, they came back Finn looking at the ground, hugging himself. I got ready to scoot over to let him sit down but Wallace grabbed my shoulder making me stay where I was Finn sitting down on my left side while Wallace sat down on my right.

“Are you ok?” I asked Finn.

“He’s fine,” Wallace answered for him, “And you’re fine.”

“Of course, I’m fine,” I lied.

I felt like it had been my fault. That whatever had happened had been my fault because I had jumped. I had drawn attention to myself. To Wallace touching me. Trying to get under my clothes. If I hadn’t of jumped like I did Finn wouldn’t have said anything. He wouldn’t have gotten their attention. It wouldn’t have mattered if I hadn’t been stupid. He hadn’t even been hurting me. 

“So, what are you guys working on anyway?” Rich asked looking at us.

“I’m working on my worksheets for the adventures of Tom Sawyer,” Todd muttered.

“Same,” Finn said quietly as I nodded my head going still as I noticed they were all staring at me. Staring at me like that.

“This is going to sound weird but like…I think I know your eyes,” Rich said.

I felt my face heating up knowing he was looking that closely at my eyes. Watching me that closely.

“Aww gone shy?” C-Dan asked me as I felt my face changing color.

“Don’t pick on him. He just does that,” Todd said, “It’s not a big deal.”

“That’s sweet,” C-Dan said, “I bet you’re a good boy, aren’t you?”

“Leave him alone,” Finn said without looking up.

“What? Have a crush, Finn?” C-Dan asked.

“He’s my friend,” Finn said finally look up, “Leave him alone.”

“Don’t worry they will,” Wallace said draping his arm around my shoulder.

I didn’t like him touching me. At all. He made my skin crawl just being near him. He meant they would leave me alone because I belonged to Lionel, to Wallace too. I wasn’t stupid I figured that I was Wallace’s because I was either a test for him or because Lionel was getting bored of me but didn’t want me left unused.

I wanted to tell him not to touch me at all, but I couldn’t find my voice. I remember wanting to stop feeling…wanting my anxiety to go away and wondering why it made me feel like I couldn’t breathe. Why he had to be against my skin when I couldn’t breathe. I wasn’t sure what to do anymore. Not with Finn so absorbed in his work and the fact that Wallace wouldn’t keep his hands off me, his body away from mine. Not with Todd shooting me a sympathetic smile every couple of minutes.

I thought maybe if I could just breathe if I just got up and got some space I would feel better. Maybe all I needed was to splash some water on my face. I got up.

“I’m going to go use the washroom,” I said quietly standing up.

I didn’t wait to see if anyone was following me. Knowing them I should have. It was stupid not to. I should have just waited but I felt like I couldn’t breathe. He had to have been 2 or 3 minutes behind me at that point. Because I had gotten to the sink and turned on the water before I looked in the mirror jumping 10 feet in the air when I saw him. Him standing by the door looking at me.

“You’re being adorable today,” Wallace told me making me shiver.

“I’m tired,” I said shrugging my shoulders as I turned around wondering if he was going to leave. If he was going to let me leave.

“I won’t hurt you,” he said giving me a small smile, “I told you I wouldn’t.”

“Why…can you please, please leave me alone today?” I asked him.

“Maybe,” he said walking towards me, walking away from the door, “I haven’t talked to him in a couple of days but the way you’re acting is different. You’re not asking me not to touch you. You haven’t even said the word. You’re just being skittish. I have a question.”

“What’s your question?” I asked him

“Who is the youngest person you’ve been with?” he asked me.

I didn’t want to talk about that. I shook my head. Why would he ask me that? Why would…? Had Lionel told him something?

“So, you still don’t trust me?” he asked me just as he got close enough he could touch me, “He recorded that, you know? Some people have seen it. Others, well, they haven’t. Do you think you’d be as good with your mouth as that baby was?”

I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach even more so as his hands went to his belt. He wasn’t going to make me. He wasn’t he wasn’t allowed to…

“Just touch it. I’ll leave you alone all next week,” he told me, “I won’t tell anyone about the baby. About what you did. I swear,”

So, if I didn’t he’d tell everyone? Everyone would hate me. Everyone that didn’t already hate me would hate me. They’d know I was a pervert. That I was nasty just like they were. Just as bad as they were.

He undid his trousers and pulled them down exposing himself. His hair was blond and curly there too. The realization that I was noticing, staring, making my whole body feel warm.

“Just touch it,” he said, “That’s all you must do, and I’ll keep your secret,” he told me his eyes soft. Like he meant it.

I didn’t want to touch him. I didn’t want to but, everyone would hate me. Even Teddy. I’d have no one. I didn’t see a choice. I nodded my head as he grabbed my hand pressing it to the warm skin as he smiled at me.

“You’re beautiful. You know that? When I get the chance, I’m going to cum in your mouth, and in your ass. I’m going to tongue fuck your sweet little boy pussy until you’ve cum so hard you can’t even speak. Then I’m going to suck you dry,” he said wrapping his arms around my back as I felt like I was freezing as he bucked into my hand, “You feel so good, baby. So good…. oh my god…so…,” he started panting, “That’s it baby make me cum…make me cum…come on baby…com….” He went rigid and pulled away turning quickly so he was squirting into the sink beside me as I fell to my knees my whole body feeling numb.

I felt. I didn’t want any…I started panting. Wheezing. Looking for my inhaler and realizing it was in the library. That I had left it in my blazer pocket which I had left draped over the sofa in the area where we had all been sitting. I was going to die. I was…it was better than everyone knowing. It was better than…

“Baby?” Wallace said like that was something he had been calling me all along instead of by my name, “Baby? What’s wrong? What’s wrong?”

“C…can…can’…. can’t…. b,” I barely managed.

“Oh shit,” he said his eyes going wide as he tucked himself back into his pants, “Come on. I’ve got you. You’ll be ok.”

I jerked away as best I could. I didn’t want him to touch me. I would rather die than have him…

“You’re losing air, don’t be like that baby. Don’t…let me help ok? I said I wouldn’t hurt you and I didn’t. And I won’t. I don’t want you to hurt. Come on…”

Just then someone bursts through the door where I couldn’t see them.

“Will the bell…holy fuck!” Todd said loudly, “What did you do Wallace?”

“I didn’t do anything he just…his lips started turning blue and he’s having trouble speaking.”

“That’s not speaking that’s breathing,” C-Dan said coming in behind them, “This yours harem boy?” he asked me tossing me my blazer.

For a minute I thought about just letting it happen. Just letting myself struggle until I passed out. Until I stopped breathing. Maybe then I would…but then I thought of James. Of my brothers and sisters. How I might as well just hand them over to Da and his friends as I got my inhaler out. As I used it.

“You have Asthma? Since when?” Todd asked me.

I waited for my inhaler to kick Wallace frowning as he shifted his gaze between us, “That’s what that’s for? It’s for asthma?” he asked.

“You’ve never seen an inhaler before?” C-Dan asked him.

“No. I felt it in his pocket I just figured it was like a toy or something,” Wallace said.

“They are in the 7th grade,” C-Dan said, “They don’t play with toys that often. You really are a true pedo, aren’t you? The thought of kids carrying around toys in their pockets turn you on?”

Wallace didn’t say anything just shrugged his shoulders. The response making me sick. Did he think I still played with toys? That I carried around toys? I covered my mouth with my hand and shut my eyes.

“Ok,” Todd said,” Can you all like…. leave or something?”

“Why afraid of reminding us that you’re just stupid fucking kids. Or more kids to fuck?” C-Dan asked before laughing.

“Just go,” Todd said shaking his head, “Come on. I’ll scream. I’ll fucking scream and tell them that you not only touched him but Finn. So, leave. Now.”

“We should go,” C-Dan said, “Father Martin isn’t on payroll and he’s reshelving today, so we should…”

“Yeah,” Wal said nodding his head, “See you later.”

With that, they left Todd sighing heavily as I gave myself another dose from my inhaler. As he waited for me to calm myself down. To stop shaking and shivering. To actually start breathing again. When my breathing went back to normal I felt myself sigh just a little.

“Thanks,” I managed.

“Did he hurt you?” Todd asked me.

I didn’t want to talk about it. I shook my head. Had he physically hurt me? No. He’d used me to get off. Todd frowning at something as he looked over by the mirrors before he looked at me raising an eyebrow at me before he blushed, “Ok. Are you ok?”

“I’ll be fine,” I lied.

“Will, you can tal…”

“I DON’T WANT TO TALK! I DO…”

“OK!” He exclaimed loudly, “Ok. I don’t want to make you feel like you have to do anything. Would you like to walk with me to the cafeteria?”

“I don’t…I don’t know,” I answered him.

“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “Do you want me to stay here? Hang out with you until you decide?”

“I don…” I trailed off swallowing.

Did I want him to stay? Not really but I didn’t want to be alone either. I mean what if he…? Just the thought making my air catch again. I closed my eyes trying to focus on the fact that Todd was there, I wasn’t alone. That everything would be ok because he would help me the best he could.

“What if…we went somewhere else?” I asked quietly.

“Where ever you want,” Todd said, “I’ll come if you want me to, if not I’ll go eat. Does that sound like a good idea?”

At first, I didn’t understand why he was wording everything as a question. However, it was his way of trying to calm me down. To make me feel like I had control because I really felt like I didn’t. Very often I felt like I didn’t. Between Da and Uncle Ben and Lionel and now Wallace I felt like every aspect of my life was being controlled besides the few hours where none of them were around. Sadly, at home that was never.

He was trying to help me feel like I had a choice. Something he would very easily understand.

“Do you want me to help you up?” he asked me.

“No, I’m ok,” I told him as I got to my feet.

“So, remember my dog? He weighs like 120 pounds now,” Todd told me.

I remembered his dog. He had talked about it last year a little bit. How it was a big great Dane, how his little brother Rick loved that dog. I smiled. Wishing I could have a dog, that we could have one but doubting if we got one it would ever manage to survive.

“That’s huge,” I said.

“Yeah, he’s bigger than ever and still a goofy thing. He chews on everything. However, we all love having him around,” Todd told me.

“I wish I had a dog sometimes. Or a cat,” I mentioned starting to feel myself relax. Telling myself that I didn’t have to deal with Wallace anymore for the day. That it was over. At least until Monday, it was over.

“Maybe you should ask your Dad for one?” He asked me.

“No,” I said shaking my head, “I think Matt would kill it. I don’t know if anyone would have time for it anyway. What with school and then…”

“Matt, right, sorry,” Todd told me.

“It’s ok. He’s sick. It’s just something we have to deal with and maybe that means no real pets. At least not for a while,” I responded.

“Do you think he’s really sick?” Todd asked making me shoot him an odd look as we left the bathroom and went to our exit from the library and then started down the hall.

“Yeah, just…things that happened in Montana. I honestly think his brain is wired all wrong because of everything. I’ve learned stuff about him that he apparently still hasn’t really talked about with anyone and, it makes sense in a way,” I told him.

“Yeah it does,” he agreed, “Some kids just…,” Todd trailed off for a second squinting at nothing like he was thinking hard about something, maybe about how he wanted to word it, “I mean everyone who…all of us, we all deal with it differently and think some of us it just throws us off until we understand it. Some of us for longer than that but, It’s not our faults.”

“You mean like how Teddy when he thinks you’re upset with him he has to fight to urge to make out with you apparently?” I murmured.

“Yes. Rick is…I don’t know what’s going on there but after he gets home from school he has this habit of stripping down to his underwear sometimes even less and walking around. I’m not really sure what’s going on there but…it weirds me out a little bit,” Todd told me.

“Isn’t he 6 or 7?” I asked him.

“Rick? Yeah,” Todd answered.

“Maybe he’s having trouble processing being an all-day student and that and st…” Todd cut me off.

“Oh, a lot is going on with Devon at this point. Like Dad is basically ignoring Rick for the most part so I think he’s trying to get attention. I’ve read some stuff and it’s not uncommon for that to happen. He tried to sit in my lap on Tuesday while he was…undressed.”

“My brothers and sisters sit in my lap undressed all the time,” I said Todd shaking his head as his cheeks started to turn Pink.

“Not like he did,” Todd said, “He tried to grind on my lap.”

“Oh shit,” I said as I felt my own face flush and Todd laughed loudly covering his mouth with his hand and putting his finger up as a signal for me to give him a second.

I didn’t understand what was so funny. To me, that didn’t sound funny at all that sounded like a very serious problem. The idea making me frown at him.

“Sorry,” he said once he managed to calm down a little bit, “I’ve never heard you swear before and the…your face is very expressive sometimes.”

I felt my stomach fall. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t …that. It wasn’t Lionel telling me he liked watching my face. It wasn’t.

“Sorry, do you need a minute?” Todd asked me slowing down.

I took a couple deep breaths reminding myself of what they said. That I couldn’t be whiny because it wasn’t abuse. That I wasn’t being abused all the time because it didn’t hurt so I needed to stop freaking out. If I freaked out all the time I’d draw attention and get punished.

“I’m ok,” I said shaking my head slightly, “I’m ok.”

“You don’t look ok,” Todd told me again.

“Would everyone stop saying that?” I moaned, “It doesn’t help.”

“Right,” Todd said, “Should I just keep talking about this or…?”

“Keep talking,” I said.

“Ok, I …it was weird. Very weird and I had to explain to him why that isn’t ok. Why I don’t do that with him and just…I think it’s because of Dad.” Todd summarized for me.

“Probably,” I agreed, “I don’t know John said that when I was little I used to run around touching myself a lot but, I don’t remember that. From what I understand that’s normal for any child though and not just kids like us.”

“Ok, but it was still…it grossed me out,” Todd said.

“I don’t blame you. I don’t know what I would do if James did that to me,” I replied.

“It was weird. I kind of freaked out a little bit,” Todd told me.

“Well to me it sounds like he was treating you like he does your Dad. You can’t tell me he doesn’t make Rick sit in his lap,” I told Todd.

“He does. A lot. He did it to me too and I probably…I mean I don’t remember ever behaving like that towards anyone else, but he did use to grind me down on him, so Rick was probably just…like you said treating me like my dad,” Todd said.

“I would tell him he doesn’t have to. That there isn’t any…that you don’t see him in that way or want him to do those things,” I said trying to explain to Todd and myself the best way to handle that.

“That makes sense to me,” Todd said, “That’s what I did pretty much and then I put him to bed because it was 8 so yeah. So, you agree? I did the right thing?”

“Yeah, I think so,” I said nodding my head as we walked up to the cafeteria. I still wasn’t sure I wanted to eat. My stomach felt like it was in knots. My hand felt dirty, I felt dirty. The last thing I wanted to do was eat. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to sit in the cafeteria with everyone as they found out. So, I just stared at him nervously as we stood outside the doors.

“Do you want to go get lunch with me?” Todd asked me.

“No,” I shook my head, “I don’t think I’m hungry and I have to wash my hands.”

“Ok,” Todd said, “I’ll go get some food and hopefully I’ll see you at the table.”

“Yeah,” I said walking away towards the bathroom.

I was trusting Todd not to tell anyone. I wasn’t sure I could trust him, but I was hoping that he would keep his mouth shut. I wasn’t stupid. I knew he had seen it in the sink. What Wallace had done, what he had made me do. It was after that, that he had started treating me differently. Yelled at me to get me to calm down, changed the topic for me. Asked me if I wanted to leave if I wanted him to stay with me. Where he had started being extra nice.

I hoped he didn’t mention anything to anyone because I didn’t want them to know. If they knew I felt like it would make things even worse because Teddy and Cole at the very least would understand what it meant. That Lionel was …was training James. That I was…I was hurting him. People would hate me. 

I sat down. Usually, between lunch and gym, that bathroom was quiet since it was right on the other side of the middle school doors. So, I went to my locker and pulled out a book and just kind of sat and read.

Lunch was a 45-minute time frame usually. Almost an hour to give us time to move from class to class after. So, I guess after I didn’t show up Finn started looking around for me. The door of the bathroom opening. Finn sighing in what seemed to be relief when he saw me leaning up against the wall reading quietly as I sat on the floor.

“Are you ok?” Finn asked me.

“I’m fine,” I said.

I had calmed myself down a lot. I felt a lot better than I had. I still wasn’t hungry and I kind of just wanted to be alone. I knew Finn was just checking on me but, I wasn’t sure I wanted to see him. It felt weird having Finn look at me when he had eyes like his, a mouth like his. How their facial structure was so similar if not for their ages and weight differences they could be twins they looked that much alike. It felt weird.

To know he was related to Wallace. Wallace who wanted to fuck me. Who wanted to…to do all of the things he said. All those things I didn’t want to think about because I could still hear him saying them. Saying how he was going to cum in my mouth and inside me. How he was going to…I closed my exhaling deeply before I pulled my inhaler out of my blazer pocket and used it. I knew it wasn’t Wallace but a part of me wasn’t sure if I could trust him anymore. If I could really trust anyone anymore.

“Good,” Finn said, “I’m glad. I’m not.”

Now that got my attention. What did he mean he wasn’t ok? Had I done something? Had me being around Wallace made Wallace hurt him?

“You see I have this friend and he’s having a super hard time lately. His contract holder is an old man in his 60’s an…”

“Don’t,” I said shaking my head knowing he was talking about me.

“His contract holder is an old man in his 60’s who I think is forcing him to do horrible things he can’t forgive himself for and I think he’s falling apart and he’s trying to hide it because my br…”

“I don’t want to hear it! I don’t want to talk about it!” I managed.

“YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING WILL!” Finn shouted at me the sound echoing off the walls, “you’re not being you and you need to either talk to someone or scream or something. You have not been yourself at all since you got back. It’s only been five fucking days and your mood is all over the place. You’re…”

“I’m tired of being raped,” I managed my whole body shaking as I said the words, “I’m tired of every time….” I started sobbing. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Even as I started crying I felt guilty. Guilty about it because it wasn’t abuse. I wasn’t being abused. I…they had whipped me. They had shown me what abuse was. They had let Arthur show me what real abuse was.

“Let it out,” Finn said sitting down in front of me where I could see him, “Just let it go. Just…it’s ok. It’s ok to not be ok Will. It’s ok that you’re having a hard time. Don’t make yourself do it alone though. We know your family, the one that counts that you feel will understand is in the hospital or not there. So, let us help.”

“I don’t need your help,” I murmured, “I…I don’t know what I need.”

“You need help,” Finn said, “Talk about it, something, anything. I don’t want to lose you, man. Especially not to my brother and whatever other sick fucks you’re dealing with.”

“You really care?” I asked him wiping at my face. Trying to wipe my tears away.

“Yeah. Look I know Quinn has a crush on you. Honestly, a lot of people have crushes on you and don’t tell anyone I said that please, but I do care about you. You’re my friend. And you’re my friend that my brother is trying to mess with ok? I need to protect you from him. I can’t do that if you’re shutting me out. If you don’t tell me wha…”

“He made me jack him off,” I admitted feeling even the back of my neck turn red.

“What?” Finn said before going silent his mouth falling open, “Wh…WHAT?!” he said more loudly.

“Don’t make me say it again,” I told him.

“You belong to the leader. Isn’t he worried about dy…”

“The leader told me I wasn’t allowed to say no as long as it wasn’t below my clothes,” I said, “Maybe he told him that. Maybe he knows that …”

“Ok, I know Wallace and he must have. Wallace isn’t usually a …,” Finn cleared his throat, “He’s not usually a taker he’s more of a giver.”

“I don’t think I understand,” I said shaking my head.

“You said under your clothes. That’s why the big L told you? Under YOUR clothes?” he asked me emphasizing the “your” part.

I nodded my head in response. Technically a hand job wasn’t under my clothes if it was my hand doing the job and not his.

“Then that explains why he made you Give him the hand job,” Finn said.

He was being weird. Really weird. Like I didn’t…

“You don’t understand what I’m getting at do you?” he asked me to which I shook my head.

“Ok generally in sex there are two positions. You can either be the one giving the pleasure or sex or the one who is getting it or …you know.”

“Taking it up the ass,” I said starting to catch on.

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head, “Yeah…I huh…this feels weird. I don’t talk about this with anyone. Sorry.”

“So, you don’t talk about it with anyone, but you want me to talk about it with you?” I asked him.

“Look, he’s literally trying to get into your pants. Usually, he doesn’t do stuff like that but if he’s been told he’s only allowed to mess with you to a certain point and he likes you. He’ll do it. He likes to mess with my head too. But for the most part he…I personally don’t enjoy it but he…”

“I understand,” I said finally understanding what he was getting at.

Wallace was like most of them. They messed with your head. They made it about getting your body to do things. Things that you probably didn’t want. Things I knew I never wanted with any of them.

“It’s weird to talk about with anyone but Quinn,” he told me.

“You guys seem almost paired off,” I mentioned, “You and Quinn. Todd and Teddy.”

“Paired off? Wait do you think that we…?” Finn made a gesture with his hands.

“No,” I shook my head vigorously, “Just like your best friend, you already have it.”

“You can have more than one,” Finn told me, “And you forget Julian. Up until you left he was a part of our group too. Teddy was an odd man out. Honestly, I think they got closer, Ted and Todd because Julian drifted away. I mean those three have always known each other and what not but after that day in the park it just kind of…Julian started to distance himself. Internalized homophobia maybe?”

“Maybe,” I agreed, “Finn, can I ask you something about…?” I trailed off not sure I wanted to say his name as I closed my eyes, as I felt his skin in my hand.

“Yeah,” Finn said quietly, “I’ll be honest. What do you want to know?”

“You said he…how…?” I said trying to get the words out feeling my face burn.

I hated asking that. It wasn’t something I usually asked people. Usually, people were the ones asking me that question. If Uncle Ben or Da was a certain way with me like they were with them. I felt like a stupid little kid. A kid that didn’t know anything about anything. 

“Are you asking if he makes it painful? If he’s forceful?” Finn asked me to which I only managed to nod my head causing him to sigh deeply, “Ok, if I say something stupid let me know because this isn’t something I …anyway. Yes, Vati says it’s because he gets too excited and I think he might be right because Wal likes to…I don’t like it. I fight him. So, he…if he’s allowed to or has the option he restrains me. He always tells me that if I just let him he wouldn’t, and I honestly think he’s telling the truth but I really just…I don’t…he’s my brother. So yeah, I don’t like it. I’m not ok with it. But on Friday nights when Vati goes off for the night I just…he…,” Finn trailed off going silent. Closing his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” I managed to mutter.

“Me too,” he said biting his bottom lip and closing his eyes like he was trying not to cry his face contorted almost like he was in physical pain. So eventually he was going to tie me down. Wallace was going to tie me down and then he was…

It felt weird realizing that. That he was going to rape me no matter what I did. That it was going to be like Da, like Lionel. That he was going to tell me it was ok when it wasn’t. When it made me…

“I don’t think I can do this,” I said shaking my head.

“Hey,” Finn said snapping out of it, pushing his own tears back, “You’re not alone ok? You aren’t alone. I know exactly what he’s like. I won’t make you do this alone. Don’t make yourself ok? I’m here.”

“I…I’m his. I’m his until he…”

“Are you really though? I mean he’s trying to pawn you off on my brother for whatever reason. Does that really mean you’re still his? That you still don’t have a choice?” he asked me.

Maybe he was right. If he was already making me do those things to James. To other kids. Teddy and Cole both said he only started making them do that with each other right before he transitioned to another boy. Made them “train” their replacement. He had told me as much himself that’s what he was doing but, did that mean I was his or did that mean I belonged to someone else? Or to no one? What did any of it mean?

I nodded my head. It was better to be safe than sorry. To assume that I was his as much as James was until he said otherwise. That he was in charge. That I wasn’t allowed to have anyone he didn’t want me to. To be friends with anyone he didn’t want me to.

“Can I hug you?” Finn asked his cheeks flushing again slightly, “Not in like a…you know not like that. Just you look like you could use a hug.”

I smiled slightly, “You always say that now.”

“What?” he asked me.

“Not like that but… are you afraid I’m going to think it’s like that because of …him?” I asked.

“Well, we do look like brothers. Like…a lot alike,” Finn said looking nervous about his response, “I know what he says. I know…”

Finn closed his eyes his lip trembling. I’d hardly ever seen Finn cry. It was probably the first time I had ever seen him cry like that though. Cry like he wasn’t going to be able to hold it together. Cry like he was the one that needed the hug.

“I know you’re not him,” I said, “Can I hug you?”

He nodded his head not able to respond with words. I wasn’t used to hugging people. I remember thinking that as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders awkwardly. It felt weird. The only person who I had really hugged outside of my family, my brothers and sisters at that point especially after moving to the US had been Cole. I had hugged Finn and Teddy before but…Finn’s body felt…different.

Cole and Teddy were both tall and Lanky like I was. With Finn not so much even at that young of an age. His chest was broader he had muscles. That was something I wasn’t used to the feeling of it weird but nice all at the same time as I tried to shut that part of my brain off. Feeling ashamed of it. Ashamed that I had noticed his body as I hugged him trying to be careful. Trying to make sure I didn’t press myself to him. Trying to be sure I didn’t make him uncomfortable.

“Thanks,” he said after a minute or two of me holding him before I let go.

“Thank you,” I said, “I mean you’re welcome.”

He chuckled, “I was about to say I think you’re looking for a different response, but I’ll take it.”

Did he know? Did…I rounded my lips in an exhale. He wasn’t a mind reader. He couldn’t possibly know I was thinking about how his shoulders felt under my arms, how his chest felt built and warm against mine, compared to mine.

“You really aren’t a hugger, are you?” he asked me.

“What? Wait…yes...no, I don’t…” I trailed off.

“It’s ok. Neither am I really,” He replied.

“I see you hug Quinn all the time,” I mentioned.

“Good morning and see you tomorrow yeah,” he agreed nodding his head, “But, that’s different. I don’t usually hug him when he’s upset unless he asks me to. He’s like the only person I usually hug and outside of good morning and see you tomorrow it’s, so I can give him a noogie.”

I thought about it. He was right. That was usually the only time I saw him hug anyone was to give them a noogie. He’d even done it to me a time or two but then had stopped.

“Why are you so…?” I asked flexing my own nonexistent biceps.

“Es ist all das starke deutsche Blut,” Finn said and shrugged his shoulders (It’s all that strong German blood.) “I don’t know. Genetic I guess.”

“Isn’t everything genetic though?” I asked him.

“Pretty much,” he agreed nodding his head, “It’s weird how all of that works. I mean you and John look nothing alike and then him and I we…”

“I wouldn’t say you look exactly alike but you’re close. But then again look at me and my little brother James,” I said.

“I think I’ve seen James once,” Finn told me, “So I honestly can’t remember if he looked that close to you in features or not.”

Just then the door bursts open Quinn giving me a sheepish smile as Todd ran into him both of them falling over the threshold of the doorway.

“He doesn’t care that you think he’s cute Quinn! God!” Todd muttered.

“SHUT UP!” Quinn moaned covering his eyes with his hands.

Finn smiled at me raising an eyebrow, “What’s up?” Finn asked them.

“You told us to check around for him and make sure he was ok,” Teddy said while he stood in the doorway, “See you found him first.”

“You sent out a search party?” I asked him.

“I have some res…”

“He thinks because his brother wants to stick it to you it’s his job to protect you. You can’t tell me you’ve never felt that reasonability before,” Teddy said.

He was right, I had. I felt it every time Mike said Matt had hurt him or had thought about hurting someone else. It wasn’t a good feeling having to tell someone you were sorry about something you didn’t even do. Something your brother was doing instead of you. It was weird to feel guilty about something you had no control over. To feel like maybe if you just tried harder you could fix it. However, just like with Lionel and James I knew there was no way Finn could ever save me. No matter how hard we both tried deep down we both knew we would fail.

“Well thank you for checking on me but I’m fi…”

“Don’t say that again,” Todd said, “I know you’re not fine. Finn, he knows you’re not fine. Even Teddy knows you’re not fine and he’s a ditz.”

“I am, this is true,” Teddy said giving me a small smile.

“Maybe we should do something this weekend,” Quinn said, “Skateboarding at the park? Maybe you could go buy one of your own. You did pretty well last time.”

“He fell like twice,” Teddy pointed out.

“Yeah but he didn’t have me there to demonstrate,” Finn said.

“I’ll ask,” I said trying not to sound too excited.

I missed my friends outside of school. I really did. It wasn’t like the babies could do things like that. Even James was too little for skateboarding really. It was nice to be able to do things that were more age appropriate instead of just playing house or tea party while I read books. 

“Anyone else have to ask?” Teddy put the question out there.

“Huh…why?” Quinn asked.

“Curious,” Teddy said.

“I really would rather not…,” Quinn was interrupted.

“What? Let people know who you’re fucking?” Teddy asked.

“TED!” Finn said loudly shaking his head.

“We all know we’re at that age? Why hide it?” Teddy asked.

“Because it’s…it’s weird,” Finn said, “So what if Quinn doesn’t want to talk about it? Big deal.”

“Contracts?” I asked them and they all nodded their head.

“If it makes you feel better you were first,” Teddy said shrugging his shoulder.

“First for what?” I asked.

“To be placed in a contract,” Todd said, “Why would that make him feel better? That’s not something that would make someone feel better. We’ve talked about this and how it all works.”

“Is this why you’re his best friend?” I asked Todd suddenly.

Finn and Todd did that to Teddy a lot. Reminded him that something wasn’t necessarily good or would make someone feel that awesome about life in general. Almost like they were his “normal” gage for social standards. It would have struck most people as odd and probably something someone would do to mock him, but they never did it in that way. It was more like little reminders that his line of thinking was slightly off.

“Probably,” Teddy said nodding his head, “Sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I’m contracted to Ford.”

“He’s hardly ever here. Just like Tabolt,” Finn said.

“I just…,” Quinn shook his head.

“Q?” Finn asked.

He shook his head again. Quinn wasn’t really open about all the brotherhood stuff but, he wasn’t usually closed off either. It was worrying that he’d been asked something and just didn’t want to participate in the conversation at all. Now that worried me.  
“Ok,” Finn said, “Do you think you’ll be able to make it?”

“If it’s Friday or Sunday,” Quinn answered.

“Anyone got plans Friday?” Todd asked.

“After school?” Teddy asked, “Not that I can think of. I’m not on rotation. Not until the last week of the month.”

“I can do Friday,” Todd said, “Finn? Will?”

“I’m free this Friday I think,” I said, “I’ll have to ask.”

“Don’t any of you think it’s weird that we don’t always ask our parents for that sort of…”

“TED!” Todd said shaking his head telling Ted to drop the subject.

“I do have to ask my Da actually,” I said, “this week anyway.”

“I’m good. Vati doesn’t care,” Finn said, “I’ll ask him but for right now I’m fine.”

“Then on Friday next week, everyone should…” I stopped him.

“Next week? I can’t do Friday next week,” I said remembering it was that day, his day, “Today is Friday?”

“Yes, today is Friday,” Teddy said, “Did you forget? Are you sure it’s next Friday?”

“What’s ne…” Todd trailed off, “Never mind.”

“I’m sure,” I told him nodding my head feeling sick to my stomach. I didn’t want to think about it. Him. What he…I 

“It’s ok,” Quinn said to me quietly, “At least it’s not every week.”

“Q?!” Finn said responding to the look on Quinn’s face.

“this is what…this isn’t fair,” I said shaking my head as the bell rang, “this isn’t fair.”

“It’s not, no,” Todd said, “It’s what we’ve got though. So…what about the Friday after that since Quinn can’t do Saturdays?” 

“That works for me,” Finn said, “I already said that.”

“As far as I know that’s ok for me too,” Teddy said giving Quinn a small smile.

“Me too,” Todd said, “I just have to ask my dad.”

“12 is the normal age for all of this, right?” I asked them.

“Yeah,” Finn confirmed nodding his head, “We talked a little about it, remember?”

“I remember,” I told him, “I have to ask my dad but, I’m sure he’ll be fine with it.”

“I’ll ask my dad,” Quinn said, “He should be fine with it though as long as I…”

“Don’t worry about it ok?” Finn said getting up and whispering something in his ear to which Quinn nodded his head before Finn gave him a hug.

It wasn’t a romantic gesture but one of comfort, but my brain still went there. They were close. Even Finn had admitted they were close. That Quinn was one of the few people he hugged. That usually he asked before he hugged him in most cases especially when he was upset. I thought it was nice. I mean you could clearly tell that Quinn was upset about something. Probably all the talk about contracts and admitting that he had one. 

“That sounds good to me,” Todd said, “So until otherwise plans after school the Friday after next?”

“Yeah,” I mumbled as everyone else made some type of acknowledgment.

“Good, let’s get to gym,” Todd said smiling at me.

“What do you take?” I asked Finn.

“I’m in Spanish,” Finn answered as we started walking down the hall, “Why?”

“Because Todd and Quinn have Gym but, you don’t,” I told him.

“We only have two electives to choose from each semester this year,” Teddy said, “We don’t even get to choose them but at the halfway mark they switch the classes, so it will only be until winter break then you’ll have Spanish and we’ll have gym.”

“I hate fucking gym,” Todd said shaking his head, “Father Everstein is hardly ever there. So, it’s always Mr. Brian. I fucking hate him.”

“Who is Mr. Brian and why haven’t I seen him?” I asked confused.

“He hasn’t been here for some reason. I have no idea,” Todd said shrugging his shoulders.

With that Finn and Teddy departed heading down one hallway as Quinn, Todd and I headed to gym.


	63. Chapter 63

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will deals with the rest of the school day. During Gym class he learns who Mr. Brian is while Todd gets harassed my Julian Todd's reaction telling Will and the other boys everything they need to know about how his relationship with Julian has changed before he admits that he has a contract to Quinn. When Will gets home he finds himself panicked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1617 to 1638 **Warnings: rape, forced oral, forced anal, pornography, hidden camera, anxiety, mental health issues, suicidal thoughts, child sexual abuse (attempted.)** A lot going on this chapter. Will is really starting to fall apart even though he's being strong **John's POV part 2 Chapter 21**

I knew who Mr. Brian was. I just hadn’t realized it. He had to have been a new graduate because he was still young. He was the guy who always helped groom me at the Villa. I instantly felt sick looking at him as I stepped into the locker room to change into my gym shoes.

We hadn’t gotten our uniforms yet and were working on fitting them that day, but they wanted us to get into the habit of changing our clothes and he was standing at the door of the locker room that day right next to Father Everstein. It felt like getting punched in the stomach.

After I changed my shoes I did end up getting sick, running to the nearest bathroom stall and throwing up which wasn’t something I usually did but, just seeing him reminded me of that table. That…all that grossness. Of all of it my brain barely able to focus on anything at all.

Why did it have to be him? Why couldn’t it be someone else? Anyone else. I remember trying so hard to hide my panic as I looked at him. As I heard him say it the way he said it every time I sat down in that fucking chair in the prep room, “Believe me I want to but, your off limits.” 

Was I off limits at school too? I prayed I was. Because I couldn’t take anymore. Not with Wallace. Not another one. Not a single cell of another one my whole body shaking the entire time I sat in my squad while they took attendance.

“Ok,” Father Everstein said beginning class, “Today we’re going to do free time. If you notice because we are doing uniform fittings most of our stations consists of board games. When your name is called if you must leave a game then your turn will be skipped over until you return. Mr. Brian will be writing down your measurements while I do the measuring. Now you may go pick your games.”

With that everyone got up and started to find a station. There was life, chess, checkers, Monopoly, Clue, so many different board games.

I just stood there looking around not sure what to do my brain, my whole being drawing a blank as I felt like something was sitting on my chest someone tapping me on the shoulder causing me to jump 10 feet in the air.

“Sorry it’s just me,” Todd said putting his hands out in front of him as he moved so he was standing in front of me, “Are you ok?”

I shook my head. I wasn’t ok. I couldn’t breathe. I was very far from ok.

“Use your inhaler,” Quinn said approaching us.

My…? Right, right. I took it out using it as Quinn and Todd sat down at a game of clue both waiting for me. Why was life doing this to me? Why couldn’t I…why not just one fucking day. One day? One hour! Why?

“Is Harem boy having a fit?” I heard a voice hiss that I recognized.

“Fuck off Julian,” Todd muttered shaking his head.

“I’ve heard what you said,” Julian said, “You are worse scum than he is. So, shut the fuck up faggot.”

“That’s rich coming from you,” Quinn said.

Julian smiled widely, “Don’t even start or I’ll tell them. And you know what I’m going to tell them so keep your mouth shut. I want to play clue.”

“None of us want to be anywhere near you,” Todd said.

“Ok,” Quinn sighed, “Since when did you decide you hated all of us? Is it because Todd turned you down? Really?”

“You’ve told everyone? Are you fucking kidding me? It was my dad asshole. He was playing a prank on me.”

“I know your Dad,” Todd said, “That wasn’t him. That was you.”

“And I bet if you Harem boy’s dad sent you an email asking for more nudes you would think it was him too.”

“Don’t call him that! Seriously,” Quinn said.

“Your Hard-on is showing,” Julian muttered to which Quinn flipped him off.

“ASHMORE! Let’s get fitted,” Father Everstein called out loudly Quinn sighing as he got up.

“Leave them alone,” Quinn warned Julian, “I’m serious.”

Julian just smirked before he sat down beside Todd was scooted away slightly, “Come on Todd. Don’t be like that.”

He seemed to drop the tough act before I could even blink looking at Todd in this way that…so it was all true. Everything Todd had said. Todd scooting even farther away from him as Julian tried to move closer to him again.

“Stop it,” I said shaking my head.

“This doesn’t concern you, Harm…”

“Stop, I’m serious you need to stop,” Todd said glaring at Julian, “Why do you want to bother me anyway when I’m only a, what was it again? Cum dumpster. Yeah, that’s what it was.”

“Because I want to …,” Julian trailed off for a minute before he finished his sentence, “Cum in your dumpster.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I nearly shouted.

That was disgusting. There was no reason for that. None. He knew it was something Todd wasn’t ok with. He’d made that very clear when he had turned him down the first time. Todd’s eyes going wide as he gave me a tight-lipped smile. Probably because I was swearing again and then because we were in the middle of class and we were starting to draw attention.

“What are you going to do about it Harem boy? You’re on an inhaler you think you can fight me?” Julian asked me.

“Sure,” I said, “Because frankly, I’m fucking tired. I’m tired of this bull fucking shit so why not?” 

I got to my feet standing as straight as I could so that the top of his head was level with my nose. He looked at me puffing out his chest everyone starting to come closer to us, to form a circle around us as I looked around nervously. I wasn’t a fighter. I really was as far from a fighter as you could get, however, I did have the height that gave me an advantage over him but, I really wasn’t a fighter.

“Boys! Calm down!” Father Everstein barked, “Dallas, Kevin.”

A boy got up as Quinn came out of the office sighing heavily and sitting down with us. He looked upset. Poor Quinn was having as bad of a day as I was. He looked calm but had his arms folded in front of him.

“They asked me to measure myself,” Quinn said.

“What?” Todd asked frowning.

“They asked me to measure Myself,” Quinn said his eyes going wide emphasize his point.

“Isn’t that what you were in there for in the first place?” Todd asked.

“Ok, let me spell it out for you,” Quinn said smiling like he was trying not to punch Todd, “They handed me a ruler, they pointed behind a curtain and they…”

“OH!” Todd said, “That’s not how you …”

“NO KIDDING!” Quinn said loudly.

“Are they going to make everyone measure themselves?” I asked him quietly.

“Probably,” Todd said, “You do both realize though that’s not how cups work? Just saying.”

“I’ve played football in the past I know that,” I said, “It’s by waist measurement not by how big you are in certain places.”

“Good to know,” Quinn said, “Will you tell the geniuses in there that?”

“I can try?” I managed.

“You do realize that almost everyone is going before him?” Todd asked.

“Not you,” Quinn pointed out.

“True but I’m like right after he is,” Todd said.

“I think we should just go in there and tell them that you know what your waist measurement is. For kids under like 14 it’s mostly a standard size there isn’t any reason they should be asking us to measure you know…,” I said.

“It’s a penis, guys,” Todd said rolling his eyes, “Are you five all of the sudden? Say it with me. Penis…it’s a penis. We all have one.”

“Say it louder,” Julian muttered who had still been sitting there fairly silent.

“Shut up,” Todd muttered as Quinn looked a Julian.

“Why are you here?” Quinn asked.

“He’s trying to convince me either that he didn’t hit on me or that he did and that seems like a good idea to him? I honestly don’t know. Julian, why are you here still?” Todd asked.

“Because you used to be my best friend,” He muttered.

At this point, I could tell Todd was tired that he just wanted Julian to leave. I wasn’t sure what I could do though. Julian hated me. Todd, sighing before he spoke surprising me.

“That’s before your Dad held me down and …look, I don’t want anything to do with you anymore ok J? Just leave me alone. I’m serious just leave me alone,” Todd said before getting up and walking away, walking towards the locker room, towards the bathroom.

Julian looking at us, looking at Quinn.

Now Quinn was more athletic than I was. But that was different. That was…not ok. We all understood what Todd had told us without him having to say it. We both trusted him too. There was a difference between being made to do it and the way Todd made it sound. 

“Did you?” Quinn said glaring at Julian with a look that could kill someone.

“I don’t know what he’s talking about,” Julian mumbled.

“You don’t huh?” Quinn said his look still dead serious, “You stay the fuck away from him. From all of us. If you don’t I will knock your teeth in so help me.”

“Sure, we’ll see,” Julian said before he got up walking away.

“Are you ok?” Quinn asked me.

Was I ok? I was fine. Was Todd ok? No wonder he’d been mostly avoiding the topic. Did Teddy and Finn and Quinn even know about all of…that he had a contract? What Julian had done before he had said it? Before he had spelled it out. A couple days ago I figured that’s what he was getting at when he said he’d been mostly avoiding Julian, but I thought that was mostly because he was contracted to Sam. Not because Julian had raped him. 

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Are you ok?”

“Well,” Quinn said pausing for a moment, “It’s taking everything in me right now not to go beat that shit’s face in.” Quinn said as I noticed how hard he was clenching his fists at his sides, “That is NOT ok. That is very not ok.”

“I know,” I said nodding my head, “Should we go…”

“No, wait it out. He needs a minute or two. If it wasn’t bothering him he wouldn’t have said anything. Did you know?”

“What? Why do you think I…?”

“You talk to him. You talk to him more than me or Finn about that stuff. Did he say something?” Quinn asked me again.

“I…,” I thought back to our conversation about Sam again. How he had said Julian hadn’t been very nice to him since he had been contracted to Sam before I realized when we were talking about making plans again Todd hadn’t mentioned Sam when Teddy had asked us about contracts because he had been wondering which of us were in them.

I sighed heavily, “he might have. I was pretty…I thought he was just talking to just take my mind off what was going on with me.”

“What did he say?” Quinn asked me.

“He was talking about Julian and what happened over spring break and then some stuff that happened over the summer. How Julian hadn’t been very nice,” I summarized.

“That’s what he said? Julian hadn’t been very nice?” Quinn asked me, and I nodded my head in confirmation, “Ok. Ok. At least we know now. I’ll tell Teddy.”

“Why tell Ted?” I asked him.

“Because if Julian draws attention from the wrong people at school he’ll get punished. If I tell Ted, he can tell the leader and the leader will tell whoever is in their pocket to keep their ears tuned in. If he says one thing, one thing at school he’ll get in serious trouble and then we don’t have to get our hands dirty. The handlers will take care of it,” Quinn explained.

“Is that all it takes?” I asked, “Seriously?”

“In most cases. If they misbehave at school, it can draw attention from the wrong people. So, they try to keep us from talking about it at school. So, you’re not coming out with us later today? And we moved the plans for next Friday to the Friday after,” Quinn said.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “I mean I wish I could just with Finn’s birthday it’s…”

“No, I understand that,” Quinn said, “Something happened, right?”

He said the words in barely a whisper like he was afraid of upsetting me. Like just mentioning it would hurt me. I was more worried about Todd. Where he had gone off to. Whether he would be getting in trouble or not. How I had been such a shit friend I had missed him telling me the first time. Telling me that Julian had raped him because I had been so wrapped up in my own problems the wording had slipped past me.

“I’d rather just leave it alone,” I answered him.

“Ok,” Quinn said nodding his head in understanding, “Today has been a really fucking bad day, hasn’t it?”

“You can say that I again,” I heard Todd say behind me as he came and sat back down beside me.

“Are you ok?” Quinn and I asked in unison.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Todd said, “No big, right?”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Quinn said, “If you had said something earlier I would have bashed his fucking head in. He has no right to even look at you Todd, none!”

“Quinn could you n…”

“NO!” Quinn said loudly before he realized how loud he was being before lowering his voice, “Look that’s not ok. None of that is ok. Why didn’t you let us know? I would have kept him away from you.”

“Because I don’t want it to be a big deal. And I did let someone know. I just told him not to tell you anything and he hasn’t. It’s my problem, Julian is my problem. And…,” he sighed heavily, “Sam.”

Quinn’s eyes went so wide I thought they were going to pop out of his head, “Are you saying that you have a c…”

“Yes,” Todd said, “Ok, it’s not fun. It’s not something I care to talk about and we’re not supposed to talk about it anyway. You both know this. I know you both know so…can we skip over that part?”

“Sure,” Quinn said as I nodded my head.

I understood not wanting to talk about it. I didn’t like talking about it and to me it sounded like a worse situation to be in than what Teddy and I were being forced to do. It was one thing to have you both being forced to have sex with each other. It was different, very different when your best friend had decided to just obey, to do it because they wanted to. Because they had decided if you didn’t want to be in a relationship with them they were going to force you to. 

I couldn’t imagine that. It was bad enough it was Wallace who was trying to do that to me and I wasn’t even in a contract with his dad. I didn’t have to spend every weekend with him and fight off both him and his dad where Todd, that’s exactly what was happening to Todd. No wonder he didn’t want to talk about it and had mostly avoided mentioning the whole thing altogether.

“So, are we going to play clue?” Quinn asked.

“I decimate you with clue,” Todd said smiling.

“Why are you good at every board game you touch?” Quinn muttered, “Seriously Will, you have to see this. It’s some type of dark wizard shit.”

Todd laughed heartily, “It’s a gift what can I say? Ok, so what’s the blank paper for?”

“Because they ran out of detective sheets I think,” Quinn answered simply.

We started the game and shortly after my name was called. I sighed nervously before standing up and going back into the locker room where I had changed into my shoes.

“This is Mr. Brian, he’s helping with measurements,” Fr. Everstein said without looking up from the clipboard he was holding as he wrote something down when we got to his office and he shut the door.

It was him. The guy who cut my hair for Lionel. I remember my heart feeling like it had stopped. Probably skipped a beat as I stared at him.

“You look different,” He said smiling at me, “How are you doing?”

I didn’t know what to say as I continued to stare blankly at him. He was actually asking me how I was? The last time I had seen him he had cut my hair and cleaned out my bowels and he was acting like I knew him from the supermarket. Like it was no big deal. Like he hadn’t seen …I felt my face heating up as I thought about it.

“Don’t be shy,” Father Everstein muttered still looking at his clipboard, “So you wear a medium in shirts? It says here that your gym clothes have already been ordered and are going to be by next week.”

“Yes father,” I murmured quietly.

“It’s probably your height,” Father Everstein said finally looking up at me, “Because you really don’t have the muscle yet. How old are you?”

“11,” Brian answered before I could.

“OH!” Father Everstein said, “He’s the one you told me about?”

“Yes, Father. He’s the one I was telling you about.”

“Mr. Lord has good tastes,” Father Everstein.

“He does,” Brian agreed, “Should I have him measure?”

“It’s b-b-by was-waist size,” I barely managed to keep my voice steady.

“He’s smart too,” Father Everstein commented.

“He seems to be. He seems to understand a lot of things. He’s always sweet,” Brian said.

No, no. God no, please don’t. Please …

“It’s ok sweetheart,” Father Everstein said, “We’re not stupid just relax. So, your uniform is ordered what do your shoes look like?”

Our shoes were custom ordered or had a tag with our school logo sewn into the tongue that year. It was fancy and stupid, but it was something Alice had done to each of our shoes from John down to Cat mine included. A pair of white canvas trainers. Which he glanced at before nodding his head in approval.

“If you don’t have a cup you need to get one,” he told me, “This year there’s a lot of contact sports so if you are adequately protected it’s that much better and I’m sure Mr. Lord would be very grateful if you were fully protected.”

I nodded my head. I didn’t want to really…what was there to say? They were both Brotherhood. They were both like them, all of them. There wasn’t anything to say about it really. I should have guessed they were both Brotherhood considering Quinn had said they made him measure himself for a cup which is something that doesn’t need to happen. I remember trying to hide how bad my hands were shaking as I listened to them talking about my body how Lionel would be happy that my more sensitive parts were protected while I was playing sports my whole being feeling like I wanted to do nothing but run, leave the room.

“Do you have any medical issues?” Father Everstein asked me.

“Asthma,” I answered.

“Any triggers, physical activity, stress?” He asked me.

“Stress,” I answered.

“Ok,” he said, “Do you think you’re a youth size 1 cup? Because right now that’s what I’m going to recommend.”

“I think so,” I said not sure what that meant really.

“Ok,” he said, “I’m going to shoot your Dad an email letting him know that someone needs to pick one of those up for you. You’re set to leave.”

I didn’t waste any time when he told me I could leave turning around and pulling the door open before walking back over to my friends who were still playing clue, the game just finishing up as I returned.

I think we played four or five more rounds before the bell rang and we were allowed to change our shoes and leave for our regular lockers before heading off to the buses. When I got on the bus Danny was there sitting with someone, looking at me.  
I wanted him to leave me alone. I prayed he would leave me alone, but I knew I wouldn’t be that lucky. It had just been that type of day. The type of day where the world had said “fuck you” so I figured it was going to happen. He was going to say something and sure enough the moment I sat down he moved seats, so he was sitting in the seat in front of me.

“Hey, harem boy,” He said smirking at me.

“What do you want Danny?” I asked him.

“I’ve heard some interesting news. My Dad got invited to a party,” Danny said his smile growing like I was supposed to know what that meant.

“Good for him? Why do I care?” I asked him.

“It’s a birthday bash for a certain important person. Your boyfriend,” He said.

“I don’t ha…”

“We all know you’re his. Don’t lie,” he said my stomach falling.

He was talking about Lionel. He had called him my boyfriend. His birthday was coming up? His…of course he would get older. I can’t believe I hadn’t thought about when his birthday might possibly be. How it was probably sometime before we had moved to Florida or shortly after because it was something he hadn’t asked to see me for. And that was something people usually shared with the people they cared about, and I hadn’t heard anything about it. That and it was a new year so of course, he had to have one coming up at some point.

“That’s what I thought,” he said smiling, “My dad is like super hyped about it, so it has to be something fun. You’re probably going to be there. You think if I’m good they’ll let me get a piece just so I can brag?”

What? I didn’t want…

“You do have a pretty mouth. I bet it feels just as good as a girl. What do your teeth look like? Will you smile for me?” Danny asked.

No, I turned to look out the window. I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. I never wanted to talk to him anyway. He was always mean to me.

“What don’t want to talk to me? You’re a harem boy, a slut I thought you would be excited about the idea of sucking my cock,” he said as I stared blankly out the window doing my best to ignore him. Trying not to give him the reaction he wanted from me.  
I knew he was trying to upset me. I wasn’t stupid. I doubted he really wanted me to blow him. No matter how “pretty” my mouth might be in anyone’s opinion. The guy he had been talking to before I got on the bus sitting in the seat in front of him only turned around watching the both of us laughing lightly at my non-reaction.

“What’s wrong? Have to think about the offer that hard? You must really want it,” he said, “How about you give me some of that money the leader is letting you have? The maybe you can wrap those lips around my…” he reached out like he was going to grab me, grab my face causing me to smack his hand away, “HEY!”

“HEY, NOTHING!” The driver yelled, “I saw that, and I think he wants to be left alone so keep your hands to yourself!”

Why did he…he was a tracker. He was a tracker but that didn’t mean he wanted to…did it? I shivered thinking about it turning back to the window and trying to concentrate on the cars and houses passing by the window. Trying not to think about Danny thinking of me like that.

Why did so many people think of me like that? I remember feeling my face turning red as I thought about it. As I hugged myself tightly while sitting in the worn faux leather seat watching the traffic and the houses and trees get left behind as the wheels turned under us. I remember wondering why everyone either despised me or wanted…wanted that from me when I didn’t want any of them. Not even one of them. As I wondered if it was just me or if there were other bottoms that had to deal with that too. The bus pulling up to my house as I stood up and got off.

When I started up the driveway I noticed a police cruiser. What the actual fuck? Had something happened? Why were the cops at my house? At that point, I remember sprinting to the door only to find Alice in the kitchen chopping carrots furiously.

“Why is there a police officer here?” I asked her.

“It’s Detective Kingly and his son,” Alice muttered not looking up from what she was doing.

“Where…”

“Upstairs sugar,” she said.

NO NO! You had to be fucking kidding me. You had to be joking. Why would…da? Of course, it was Da. He wouldn’t be there is Da didn’t want him to be. But why was Pat there too unless they were making Pat do something. I doubted it though.  
I decided not to waste any more time panicking until I saw for myself. Until I saw what was happening I didn’t know what I was going to do if they were hurting them, hurting my little siblings. Me jumping onto the lift and hitting the button repeatedly to take me upstairs only to hear laughing and giggling as Pat and Cole both stood nearby watching, watching Hank and Da and uncle Ben playing with my younger siblings, James among them.

“Will honey,” Da said once he heard the lift open, “why don’t you come and talk to me for a minute?” 

What? Why was…

“Come on,” Da said grabbing my hand as he smiled at Hank who was sitting on the floor playing with Mac and Shay happily ticking Mac’s stomach his shirt riding up slightly as he laughed and fell forward.

I don’t know if Pat and Cole were paying attention or not their backs to Da and I as they watched Hank and I noticed that Debbie seemed to be missing. That she simply wasn’t there. I wondered why but was afraid to ask Da taking me into my room and shutting the door behind him.

“Take off your clothes,” he told me.

He didn’t give me any explanation or say anything else his eyes going cold like he was possessed even though he was still smiling at me. I felt my stomach jump. This was bad. I knew this was bad. I remember my hand automatically going to my tie even though it was shaking.

“Yeah, that’s right cock slut. Do what you’re told no questions asked. You know better than to tell me what to do you,” he said starting to undo the buttons on his own shirt.

Why would I tell him what to do? Why would I tell anyone what to do? That didn’t make any sense. None of it made any sense. My heart beating so hard against my rib cage I thought Da could hear it the way he was staring at me as he unbuttoned the buttons at his wrists and pulled his half-unbuttoned shirt over his head before moving to his pants. 

What was…what was happening? I remember thinking that. Being so stressed I couldn’t remember what I might have done to offend him or upset him. The stress of not remembering making me even more anxious.

“NOW!” he barked noticing that I had paused in undressing myself.

I finished pulling my blazer off and then my vest unbuttoning my shirt as I fought to urge to keep from crying. There was only one reason why he would want my clothes off. The same reason any of them wanted my clothes off him sighing heavily as he messed with a picture frame on my desk that I didn’t ever remember being there before. A picture of John and I smiling and happy together within the gold border.

We had to have been young. I was small and blond, John holding me in his lap only slightly bigger than I was. Probably a photo taken while I was still little before we had left and moved home, moved to London. It was a picture I don’t even remember sitting for the confusion of where it had come from drawing my attention while I continued to move automatically, to undress as I was ordered to until I stepped out of my pants.

“Now do you care to tell me why James stayed home from school the morning?” he asked me as I sat down on the edge of my bed to pull my socks off.

Oh. So that’s what he meant but knowing better than to tell him what to do? He meant I had told Debbie that James needed to stay home from school, was going to stay home from school. The thought once again drawing my attention to the fact that Debbie wasn’t there.

“He…,” I went to start to explain my mouth feeling dry making me swallow nervously, “You spent the night with him. I was afraid his stomach would get upset during school.”

“Then you should have brought that up with me,” he said coldly, “Whose house is this?”

He asked the question almost like a command in and of itself pulling off his pants and boxers in one motion leaving him standing there naked as he started touching himself my heart skipping a beat as I noticed the act. Noticed him rubbing his penis to become erect. I didn’t want to do that. I di…

“Don’t worry about it. Don’t go shy on me now. Answer my fucking question you little slut. Whose house is this?” he hissed at me.

“Y-y-yours,” I barely managed.

“And who owns the stuff in this house?” he asked me just like he had at dinner a while ago.

“You do,” I answered not able to continue watching him, continue watching him touch himself to which he moved forward grabbing my chin hard and forcing my face upward, so I was once again looking at him instead of at my own lap my face burning with embarrassment, shame, and fear as he did so.

“That’s right. So, who owns you?” he asked me.

“Y-y-you,” I barely muttered before he punched me across the face the gesture sending a strong throbbing through my cheek from one side of my face to the other.

“Don’t fucking cry my little cock slut. You don’t deserve to cry. Maybe if you didn’t want this happening you should have thought about that before you told Debbie your brother had permission to stay home from school? Maybe you should have thought about how that would affect your brother’s education and Debbie’s paycheck. As well as my fucking day! Maybe next time you’ll think about that huh? Turn around,” he hissed pushing me back so that I landed flat on my back on the mattress.

Turn around? Turn around how tu…oh. No, no he …no.

“Da pl…”

“DON’T! Turn around I want you on your fucking hands and knees,” he told me.

I wasn’t sure what to do my brain feeling slightly fuzzy as I looked at him as I decided that maybe the best thing to do would be to do what my gut feeling was telling me to. That I should do what he was telling me to as I closed my eyes my chest heaving as I turned and got on all fours on top of my bed. The bed he had brought me. The bed he had gotten so that he could spend the nights with me if he wanted to. So, he could rape me when he wanted to.

“I’m beginning to think you really miss my cock and that you’re becoming a jealous little slut,” he said somewhere behind me.

My whole body was shaking as I stared at my hands that were supporting my upper body.

“If you want my cock so badly all you have to do is ask honey. You don’t have to act like…” I felt a sharp sting spread through my butt as a slapping sound hit the air when his hand made impact with my rump as he slapped me over top of my boxer briefs that I was still wearing, “An entitled brat that doesn’t know his place. This. Is. My. House,” he said punctuating every word with another smack, “These. Are. My. Kids.”

Each slap felt like it was getting harder, stinging more. The only thing I could do was bite my lips and try not to cry as the stinging sensation traveled up and down my spine. His next smack coming down hard over top of one of the still fresh welts from being whipped causing me to yelp out in pain.

“That’s right little cock slut be loud,” he muttered, “Let everyone know what a little slut you are. Beg me for my cock. Since you want to act like your mother I’m going to make you, my bitch. Tell me you want my cock and tell me loudly!”

What did he mean to tell him loudly? Everyone would hear. EVERYONE! I didn’t…why? Why was he doing this to me, why was he making me do this? Him getting up, his weight shifting away from the bed and moving around the room before returning and pulling down my underwear spanking me again several more times before I felt him shove his fingers into me.

“Beg me for it!” he demanded

“Daddy I wan…want yo-your cock,” I barely managed trying not to cry as I said the words.

“I bet you do. You’re my little cock slut aren’t you honey? Daddy’s sweet little cock slut. You love cock so much you want my cock and all the cock my friends want to give you, don’t you honey?” he said starting to push into me before whispering in my ear “say yes daddy.”

“Yes Daddy,” I agreed.

“How do you like that?” he asked me pulling my undershirt up my back and off over my head.

I braced myself against the headboard with my arms as he bottomed out. The feeling the of him pushing against my insides making my brain panic, making everything worse as I just tried to breathe, tried to keep breathing.

“Think you can boss people around huh? Well, I’ll show you what a little bitch you are, you have no control. You’re just my little slut,” he said ramming into me making me scream out.

“That’s right, be loud honey. Let everyone know what a good little slut you are. Let them know how much you love taking Daddy’s cock,” he muttered, “Tell them, let them know.”

“I-I-I want you-your cock,” I said again loudly even though I was starting to cry the words coming out more a whimper than anything else.

“Tell me to come inside,” he whispered grabbing my hips like they were handles and holding them, using them to pull me closer to his body that wet smacking sound bouncing off the walls as he thrust into me hard. The sound of balls slapping up against my ass.

“c…cum I-I-inside me,” Barely managed before I started crying just a wordless whimper.

It hurt. My insides were burning. Usually, he wasn’t that rough with me. He had never made me say those things before. It scared me. Halfway through he changed position as he stopped being so rough, so loud even though I was still crying, my whole body hurting as I gasped for air just trying to keep breathing, my brain and body both starting to give out as he reached around my hip and started to fondle me. I hated laying on my side. That position. That was the position they used when they wanted to…I shivered praying that he wouldn’t call Hank in. I couldn’t deal with Hank too. Just closing my eyes as I tried to stop myself from crying, from screaming and tried to make sure I kept breathing no matter how much my chest hurt, how tight it felt.

“So, Daddy L is right, you do like it rough. Well, you aren’t my little cock slut for no reason. You love it don’t you honey?” He murmured kissing my neck and my jaw from behind as I struggled to just rasps air in and out of my lungs before he muttered into my ear again, “tell me you like it. Say yes Daddy I love cock.”

“Y…yes…. Da…Daddy I-i-i-i…. llllove………cock,” I managed before I felt that hot gooey substance cover my insides. Before he pulled out letting me go getting off the bed and grabbing my undershirt from the floor wiping himself on it before throwing it back down.

“You fucking stay here. You don’t talk to anyone until you can quit being a little bossy shit. When you’re done pouting you can go and clean yourself up,” he spat at me almost like I was a dog he was yelling at before he walked away slamming my bedroom door.

He had never been that rough with me before. That was something Uncle Ben did, not Da. My legs felt like jelly like I felt I couldn’t move them at all. I knew he had told me not to cry because it wasn’t abuse. None of what was happening to me was abuse according to him, but I couldn’t help it a sob ripping free before I could stop it as I felt too weak and too stupid to even cover myself up just pulling my knees into my chest as I cried sobbing to myself hoping that everyone would just leave me alone.  
After I few minutes I heard the door open panic sweeping through me making me wheeze as I tried to sit hoping he wasn’t back to do it again or worse, Hank.

“HEY! HEY! It’s ok,” Pat said, “It’s me. It’s Pat you’re ok. I’m just in here to see what happened.”

“Y….,” I barely managed my breathing heavy.

“Don’t try and speak. Where is your inhaler?” He asked me as I pointed at my blazer that was on the floor Pat fishing it out of my pocket and holding it in front of me, “Just breathe it in.” he said shaking it and holding It up to my mouth before I took a deep breath when he pressed it holding my breath for a count of 10 before I exhaled slowly my chest loosening. Pat folding my blanket over my body so that I was no longer exposed as he looked at me, “Better?”

I nodded my head. I felt dirty. He shouldn’t be looking at me. He shouldn’t be talking to me. I was sick. I was a cock slut. That’s all I was. The thought making me want to scream, to tell him to go away.

“I know I’m not John and I’m not…”

“I want my mum,” I said shaking my head burying my face in the pillow to try and keep my whimpering as quiet as possible, “I want my mum.”

“I know you do,” he told me, “I know. You’re ok now though. It’s ok.”

He stayed where he was just standing there. Watching me I guess. I could feel him watching me. It felt weird. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me but, it still felt weird. To have him standing there keeping an eye on me.

“I know you want her. I’m sorry,” he told me, “I’m sorry about all of this.”

Why was he sorry? What did he do? What was…?

“I’m sorry that, just everything. That he’s not here when you need him. That your mom isn’t here,” he muttered before sitting down in the chair by my desk.

My whole body burned. All I could think was that I had begged him for it until I thought about it. The longer I thought about the more it scared me. He had called Lionel Daddy L. He didn’t usually do that. He had told me to be loud, to let “them” know. Who was them? Why was Lionel Daddy L suddenly? Why had he been whispering in my ear when we were alone?

NO. fuck fuck fuck...

“Pat?” I managed.

“Yeah?” he asked me.

“The frame on the…on the desk turn it…turn it…t…”

“Ok, calm, calm,” he said putting it face down on the desk looking at it closely the color draining from his face told me everything I needed to know.

He saw the hole or something. He had to have seen the hole. Pat clearing his throat awkwardly, “Well…,” he said trailing off, “That explains why they went downstairs so fast after he came out.”

Yeah, great. Awesome. It was a hidden camera. One I wasn’t supposed to know about. One that I was so stressed and in the middle of…that I hadn’t really thought about other than there was now a strange picture in my room. I didn’t want to do this anymore. I didn’t…

“I know,” Pat said, “I know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t stop him. I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to it…,” I started sobbing a tiny voice drawing me away from feeling sorry for myself.

“Willy?” I heard.

It wasn’t James but Cat. Cat opening the door James behind her waiting out in the hallway.

“Cat,” Pat said, “Now’s not a good time.”

“Why would he say that? He tells us it hurts so why would he say that?” she asked quietly.

“Your Da made him,” Pat said, “He didn’t mean it, your Da made him.”

“I don’t…”

“Catty sweetie, come with me,” Pat said going over to her and grabbing her hand taking her from the room.

I knew they didn’t understand. It was hard though. She was right, I felt like she was right. That it was my fault. That I shouldn’t say those things if they weren’t true. That it was stupid. That it was my fault. That…

I sighed standing up getting ready to shut my door.

“Willy it’s ok,” James said quietly, “I know you did…”

“Don’t touch me,” I barely managed as he started coming towards me with his arms open.

“But you…you said,” he said starting to whimper, “You said we’d have a sleepover all weekend…you sa…”

“Bud, later, not right now,” I said feeling myself shaking. 

I was getting up to go to the bathroom to cut myself. To…because I was dirty and gross. He didn’t need to touch me. I didn’t deserve to touch anyone. To be comforted or taken care of the door bursting open Hank and Da right there Hank smiling almost to the point where he was laughing.

“James get out of here!” Da barked causing James to run, “WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY TO YOU! YOU DON’T TALK TO ANYONE! I SWITCH THE FUCKING FEED OVER AND THERE’S NO PICTURE AND I HEAR YOU TALKING TO YOUR BROTHER!”

With that, he smacked me hard across the face as I heard a tiny squeal and then laughter. Hank. Hank was…he had him. He had to be…no. Please God no. no. No….

“NO DA, STOP HIM! DON’T LET HIM! DON’T!” I shouted Da turning in time to see Hank, to see what I saw.

He had picked him up and was using the wall to help hold his body up as Hank’s one hand clawed at his sweatpants starting to pull them down.

“Hank,” Da said grabbing his attention, “Why don’t you help me teach this one when it’s ok to open his mouth?”

I sighed in relief. Was I aware something bad was about to happen to me but, I didn’t really care. I had just made my baby brother cry and now Hank was grabbing him. Hank was planning on hurting him. If Hank’s attention was on me he wasn’t hurting James. I wasn’t causing him more pain.

Hank smiled as he sat him down and ruffled his hair, “Go play.” He said to him, James taking off down the hall at a sprint probably to his fort in his closet where he would be safe. Where I knew he would be safe as Da pushed me down so that I landed on my knees before he grabbed me by the neck causing me to choke Hank coming up to me smiling as Da put the picture on my desk back in the upright position.

Hank grabbed the hair on top of my head pulling me upward before he undid his pants pulling himself out already half erect, “Suck” he said smiling before shoving my head forward.

He didn’t give me any time to prepare myself. Didn’t give me time to react and take a breath but just…used the back of my head to shove my face onto him as I started choking on it. On the smell of piss and sweat, on the skin as I tried to make sure I didn’t use my teeth in case Da and Hank decided I no longer needed them.

I could feel him hitting my gag reflex using my hair to direct the movement of my head him stabbing me in the throat with his cock until I felt the bile rising in my throat with nowhere to go. Until I was drowning. Drowning on my own vomit not able to breathe. I was going to breathe in. I was going to…my vision starting to blur as I tried pushing him away as he grunted before Da must have stopped him, Hank, letting me go as I fell the ground throwing up on my own floor barely managing to breathe again.

“Now you keep your fucking mouth shut!” Da spat at me as Hank laughed before they both left the room shutting the door again as they went.

I managed to find my inhaler before I stopped breathing. Managed to use it but now my throat was so sore I probably couldn’t speak, I know my face hurt from stretching wide enough to take Hank into my mouth like that. I didn’t even have the strength to really stand up, but I was thankful I was breathing. At least, for the moment.

I thought they might kill me. That if they came back again I would be dead. I was sure of it. I remember hoping that they would. That maybe I would get lucky. That way I wouldn’t have to worry about anyone looking at me like that ever again. That maybe I would be able to find peace. Peace that …peace that I desperately found myself yearning for. 

I don’t remember moving but, I also don’t remember caring that I wasn’t moving. Almost like I left that space like I left all of that behind. If only for a couple of hours. I don’t think I moved until the sun the came up. I don’t remember anyone coming into the room at any point. Not for a long while.

When I finally did manage to move I took a shower. Probably for hours but I can’t be certain and then climbed into Jay’s fort in his closet where he was still sleeping wrapping myself around him and holding onto him. He woke up and turned in my arms holding me in return mumbling sleepy statements of adoration into my shirt.

I don’t think I came out of his closet all day on Saturday. I hid. I hid like the coward I was. I didn’t want to be anymore. It was that simple. Alice eventually coming in and giving me food and then coming in to take away the plate only to find my sandwich still there.

“Will sugar, can we talk?” she asked me quietly.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I managed to mutter. Probably the first words I had spoken all day.

“Jamie said you’ve been upset all day. Silent,” Alice told me.

“I’m just tired,” I answered.

“Well I’ll let you rest in a minute,” she told me, “In the morning we’re going to church. I’m going to need your help get the little ones ready.”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “I can do that.”

“Good. I hope you eat supper later. I’m getting worried about you,” she told me.

If she was worried about me why didn’t…why didn’t she stop them? I knew she wasn’t supposed to, but I wanted her to. I needed her to. I needed her to protect them because I couldn’t. I needed her to keep them away from my siblings because I couldn’t. The idea making me angry, making a tear slide down my cheek.

“Sugar,” she said frowning at me, “What’s wrong?”

“Are they hurting them?” I asked her, voicing my biggest fear, “Da and…and Uncle Ben and Hank?”

“I don’t believe so,” she said, “They haven’t said anything, and they aren’t sore when I help them in the bathroom or bathe them. There ain’t no marks. So, I’d say it’s mostly they just spending time with them. I do realize what they are doing sugar, don’t get me wrong. And I’m keeping an eye on it. It would have been easier yesterday to have Debbie around but…it is what it is.”

“She was here the morning,” I said.

“But then your Daddy came by. He sent her home because she let Jamie stay home sick,” she told me, “I told him it was a good move but once he heard you were the one who told her to keep Jamie home he didn’t give a care. He was more interested in making sure you understood you don’t tell no one what to do.”

So, I had been right. All of what had happened Friday had been my punishment. Including Debbie not being there to protect them. And I had snapped at James. For checking to see if I was ok. James who probably still felt like I was mad at him because I hadn’t spoken a word to him all day even if I had stayed with him, cuddled with him.

“How is Jay?” I asked her.

“He’s all right. He’s wondering if you’re all right,” she told me, “I told him to give you time. From what Caty and Mike told me you took quite a beating yesterday.”

I felt my face flush. They had told her? Told her about… 

“It’s ok sugar,” she said, “I won’t ask. You just rest.” 

I nodded my head. I did eventually leave the closet and watched TV with them. I think it was the land before time. I went to bed that night feeling more desperate and tired than I had felt in a while. I probably tossed and turned until it was time to wake up. Time for a new week to start.


	64. Chapter 64

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will is surprised to see John at mass where they reconnect and will make a decision that might be more harmful than helpful. He reconnects with Cole who feels bad about leaving him feeling isolated. Da invites friends over for dinner where he is interviewed even though he doesn't understand why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1634 to 1664 **John part 2 Chapter 22.** Yes, there is a lot going on this chapter. Especially mentally/emotionally for Will and the older boys. This is actually a very rare chapter where there is no heavy sexual assault. **Warnings: Mental health issues, anxiety, molestation, talk of puberty, talk of sexual abuse, talk of cult sexual abuse**

That morning Alice didn’t ask me for any help once we got to church. The sisters coming out once they saw our van roll up. They helped her get Cat and the babies inside with me and Mike, Matt, James following behind slightly as everyone started to file in. We had just gotten into the chapel when James tugged on my sleeve causing me to look at him before he ran behind me causing me to turn around.

I was surprised he didn’t scream in delight as he ran nearly jumping at him John smiling at him and kissing his cheek as he whispered something to him Mike and Matt both turning and seeing him Mike hurrying towards him as well while Matt and I walked slowly over. There he was.

It was like he hadn’t gone anywhere. Looking normal. Like John. Like John always looked him smiling as he whispered to James who played with the collar on John’s shirt talking to him as he held him close. Held him like he never wanted to let him go.

“I know Bud. I miss her too,” I heard him say to James, “Go take your seat, ok? Where is Catty and the wee ones?”

“In the pew with Alice,” I heard James answer before he turned and looked in our direction pointing over my head to where Alice was indeed sitting with the babies and Cat. John smiled at James as he continued to hold him giving him a big kiss on the cheek before he walked up to Mike and Matt, “Ok, go take your seat. You two as well,” he said kissing both Matt and Mike on the heads before touching their crowns gently as they started walking away the choir music starting up meaning service was starting John walking up to me and grabbing my arm gently.

He pulled me away out into the foyer outside of the chapel one of the fathers frowning at us as we walked by but, not saying anything. Him leading me out a little way and then over to the side so we weren’t blocking the doors before he spoke, a frown on his face.

“Are you ok?” he asked me.

Hearing his voice was like, it was like feeling rain hit your face after a long drought. It was anticipated and wanted. Something you knew you were missing but hadn’t realized how badly until it was back. 

“I’m fine,” I lied giving him a small smile, “Are you?”

“Huh, I got out of the hospital Friday,” he said shrugging his shoulders and looking at his shoes, surprising me.

Da had told me he wouldn’t be out until Monday. Yet here he was in Church telling me he got out Friday. If he got out Friday, why hadn’t he been home? He should have been home Friday if he got out Friday. That didn’t make any sense.

“Where have you been then?” I asked him.

He sighed heavily scanning the crowd over my head and then looking to the side where stragglers were still wondering into service, “With…someone,” he answered quietly.

“Who is someone?” I asked curious scanning the crowd with him trying to see who he was looking for, see if I knew who they were. My eyes falling on him again. Someone I recognized. My heart falling into my stomach.

Leo. He was smiling talking to some guys. One of them had their hair dyed white blond and looked like he was around the same age as Uncle Ben touching the back of the other guy lightly while he smiled and laughed. A guy with Tan skin and Brown hair even though he was slightly older my face feeling warm as I looked at them. They were together. Together like hank and Arthur were together. 

It made me wonder how many people knew. They were in a church a Catholic church. That type of thing wasn’t supposed to exist inside the church, I wasn’t supposed to exists, none of us were and yet there they were. The younger guy leaning in and smiling as he said something to the older one Leo laughing lightly to something. Leo just his presents making me feel cold. Making me hate him. Was that where John had been? Why he hadn’t been home Friday or yesterday? Because he was there, he was with Leo.

“I…,” John sighed deeply like he was tired, like just thinking about it made him tired, “I’ll be home tomorrow after school. I can tell you about it then. Will, I’m so, so sorry that I made you…”

“I’m sorry I didn’t see it coming,” I told him knowing what he was talking about. That he was talking about everything. Me finding him like that. Almost dead. Him touching me like that and then…finding him. But I understood. I understood so much better than he thought I did. So much more. Having to deal with Da and then Lionel, Wallace, it was too much. All of it was too much and John, he might not have to deal with Wallace, but he had his own version of Lionel to worry about, “I’m sorry I didn’t understand exactly what he’s like. I do now though. I get it. Don’t make yourself do it alone anymore though, ok?”

“Ok,” he said nodding his head like he was appeasing me, like he didn’t really mean it at all. Like he was planning on continuing the way we always had, “I think I have to go sit with him because, I’m not supposed to come home until Monday. It only makes sense that I would sit either with some classmates or…”

“Can you at least tell me who are you with?” I asked looking for confirmation that it was Leo. That Da was subjecting him to Leo who just like Da couldn’t stop comparing me to John.

“His name is Leo,” he said almost spitting the name like it was poison, like just merely saying it upset him almost like it was a curse word.

I understood that. I hated talking about Lionel. I hated talking about Lionel so much I refused to tell John about him at all. Refused to subject him to that information. The fact that I was having sex with a 60-year-old man. That da was making me have sex with someone like that. Someone that vile. 

I would never tell him. If I did it would kill him. I decided in that moment as the chapel doors closed and service truly started that I wouldn’t tell him ever. Not if I could help it. That it wasn’t worth risking his life for. I needed him more than I needed him to know about Lionel. We all needed him, and he had already nearly killed himself once. I couldn’t risk him doing it again. Not for anything. Not when we needed him so badly.

“That’s that one guy,” I said, “Are you ok?”

“I’m alive,” he said shrugging his shoulders, “He was also my doctor at the hospital. I don’t know, it’s…” he just shook his head at me trailing off.

His doctor? Leo was his fucking doctor?! I couldn’t…Da had…he must have really hated us. For what I couldn’t imagine, but Da really hated us. He knew how John felt about Leo. That John hated Leo and he had…he had shoved Leo in his face. Da had to hate us in order to do that not just what he had done to me but to do that to John. John who he loved more than anyone.

“But, you’re coming home tomorrow after school?” I asked wondering if there was something I could do to change it. To help him, “Why not tonight?”

“It’s complicated,” he told me, “But yeah, tomorrow after school, ok?”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head.

To me, it sounded like a contract. Like the kind I had with Lionel like Todd had with Sam and Quinn had with …with someone. Something no one wanted to talk about. According to Teddy and everyone because he was older than me he was old enough he should be in one. Have a contract with someone. 

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head and giving me a small smile, “I’m going to go sit before mass really starts. You should too. I’ll tell you more about it after school tomorrow, ok? I love you.”

“Yeah, I love you too,” I managed feeling sick to my stomach as I thought about it.

They were making him sleep with Leo, have sex with Leo. They were making him spend the weekend with Leo. Like Da wasn’t cruel enough. Like being at home wasn’t bad enough Da had to give John to someone that was just like Da in a lot of ways. The idea making my stomach turn through the whole service. 

When service ended I got up right away just because I wanted to see him, but I couldn’t find him. He was nowhere within the crowd that could take a good hour to make its way out to the parking lot. I found Pat and Cole in their spot, the spot where they usually hung out.

“Where’s John?” I asked.

“You just missed him,” Cole said, “Hey…about last week I’m so…”

“Don’t worry about it,” I told him, “He told you to stay away so you were staying away. I just…”

“No,” Cole shook his head, “You needed someone to talk to and I wasn’t there. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that to you.”

I gave him a small smile, “Well, you aren’t the only one who’s made that mistake lately. Trust me. It’s fine.”

“Did he tell you what was going on?” Pat asked.

I nodded my head. I wasn’t stupid. He hadn’t really said he was in a contract, but he had said he was with Leo. Between listening to Leo talk and John telling me that it didn’t take a rocket scientist to come up with 2+2=4. 

“Does he seem better to you?” Pat asked me frowning at the chapel doors.

“Honestly?” I asked him to which he nodded his head encouraging me to give an honest opinion, “No. He doesn’t seem better at all. He just pushing everything down.”

Pat nodded his head, “I agree. I don’t know what to do here. I really honestly don…”

“It’ll be ok,” Cole said squeezing Pat’s shoulder, “We’ll figure it out. He’ll be ok.”

“What about you Will? Are you ok?” he asked me.

“A little sore,” I answered, “Otherwise I think I’m all right. Tired. I’m always tired though.”

“The kids?” Cole asked me.

I shook my head not wanting to talk about it, “He’s bad.” I said looking at Pat.

“Kiddo,” he said, “I’m sorry. You want me to see what I can do? I mean there isn’t much-considering everyone older has gone off now, but I can talk to him. I can talk to Gus.”

“No fucking way! Nothing is worth getting that asshole involved. Why would you need Gus to do something for you anyway? You would think you would be the one he owed. Don’t make it the other way around,” Cole said, “How can Gus do anything about the leader anyway?”

“We’re talking about someone else,” Pat said quietly.

“Who? Lio…the leader doesn’t share with just anyone so who are you talking about? Because that is what you’re talking about, right?” Cole asked.

“Cole are you having a brain fart?” Pat said looking at him, “Are you forgetting he is in the middle of the 7th deadly? That he was in 6th gra…”

“Are you fucking kidding me?! I’m such an asshole!” Cole groaned, “Wh…he gave you one, right? He fucking assigned your mentor, didn’t he?” Cole said seeming to grow angrier by the second.

I knew he wasn’t angry at me but, it felt like he was. His voice growing deeper and deeper as his volume increased, his frown deepening. Pat must have sensed my discomfort putting his arm around my shoulder like John would have if he had been there putting his hand up as if to tell Cole to chill, to calm down.

“Cole, breathe. There’s nothing any of us could ha…”

“That’s not fucking true! If I WOULD HAVE BEEN PAYING FUCKING AT…”

“STOP!” Pat said, “Whatever pull you once had you don’t have anymore. You’ve seen it happen to everyone before you. The only one who could have done anything would have been Ted and you know how well that would have worked? He’s a good kid but…”

Cole exhaled deeply the act making it look almost like his body was deflating as he let the air go, “He can be mindless. Right. I mean it’s not just you Will, but he’d hand pick your mentor. Did he?” Cole asked me.

I nodded my head. I didn’t want to talk about it my ability to breathe fading as I felt his hand my arm, “Pat, let go.”

“Ok,” he said letting me go, “Do you need something? Is there anything you need?”

“I…don…”

“Ok,” Pat said, “Cole, can you go get him some water.”

“Will, you see that yellow flower right there?” Cole asked me as I nodded my head. “Focus on that flower, focus on it. Focus on the color, the shade. Focus on the feeling of the breeze, ok?”

He was trying to help I knew he was trying to help but all I could feel was…the weight of Wallace’s penis as he forced me to hold it. As he told me that he wanted me to cum. That he wanted to cum in my mouth and in my …”

“Ok, it’s ok kiddo,” Pat told me wrapping his arms around me and helping me sit down, “it’s ok. He’s not here if he comes out those doors I will fucking kick his ass. He’s not coming near you. Ok? I’m right here and if John could be he’d be right here too.”  
“I can…” I didn’t know how to describe what it felt like. How it felt like I had to run but I couldn’t. How it felt like…my whole body shaking.

“Hey, squeeze,” Pat said sliding his hand into my fists, “Squeeze as hard as you need to.”

He was trying to give me a chance to hold onto something. To squeeze something else. To physically feel something else. He was trying to give me a bit of that sensation that Cole chased. Cole looking at us, just watching us before he sat down taking my other hand and holding it.

“He’s right squeeze down,” Cole said quietly, “It’s ok. We’re here and we’re not going to let anything happen.”

“I don’t want to do this anymore. I feel so fucking stupid,” I managed as I stopped crying so hard, as it got easier to breathe.

“You’re not stupid,” Cole said, “I might be but, you’re not. I should have been there, and I wasn’t and I’m sorry.”

“He told you to stay away,” I said quietly.

“It…it was more than that,” Cole said, “Just a lot of stuff going on. I’m trying to get clean. For the first time ever and stay clean and I…”

“He was caught up in spending time with Tosh,” Pat told me.

“Hey!” Cole said frowning, “Now that makes me sound like a real asshole.”

I didn’t think so. If he was doing something that made him feel better, made him happy. I was happy for him. Was I a little jealous of Tosh? Yeah, I mean I thought Cole was awesome and would have loved to spend time with him but, Lionel had told Cole to stay away. The idea that someone was actually having a good time helping relieve some anxiety for some weird reason.

“No, it doesn’t,” I said shaking my head as I squeezed his hand and Pat’s, “I’m glad you’re happy. That things are good.”

“It’s not all good,” Cole said giving me a small smile, “But, that part is.”

“You want to know what I’m up to?” Pat asked me.

I nodded my head before we heard someone shout my name. Someone that wasn’t 9 or 6. Someone older and it wasn’t John. Why was…why was he looking for me? Why…

“Ok, it’s ok,” Pat told me, “Maybe it’s time to get you back to your family. Maybe that’s all it is.”

“Come on,” Cole said standing up and taking my hand leading me out of the bushes as Wallace continued to call my name moving around the building it seemed like. His voice fading slightly as we moved away from the hiding spot and towards the front door.

“There you are!” Headmaster Watson said as we nearly bumped into him, “Mr. Gables, Mr. McGregor’s family is looking for him so if you co…”

“I have it father,” Cole said giving him a smile, “I’ll make sure he makes it to them safely.”

“You don’t have to be afraid of me, you realize?” Headmaster Watson said looking at Cole.

“I know,” he said, “Have a good day Father.”

“You too, both of you boys,” he said as Cole and I continued walking away Cole sighing heavily once we were far enough away.

“He’s bad,” I muttered.

“For us? Very bad,” Cole said, “We’re fine though, he was just talking. Just making sure I’m taking you where you’re supposed to be.”

“I’m not a child,” I said quietly.

“Around here you are,” he said, “I know you’re mature, but you can’t protect yourself. Especially around them. I mean I …I can’t even protect myself, ok? Pat’s contract holder is one of them. And from what I understand so will mine.”

What? What was he saying? He was getting a contract holder too? I mean I knew we were all supposed to have one but, it still seemed weird to talk about. Weird to hear Cole say.

“You don’t have one?” I asked him.

“Right now?” he asked looking at me and shaking his head, “Not everyone has one all the time. I’ve had about a year without one. Mine with Steve ended shortly after you guys moved here. So now I’m up for grabs. A lot of transfers take place during the school year. Contracts get resigned and some get moved. Steve had decided he didn’t want me anymore and I was lucky enough that no one was really…there weren’t any questions to Dad but, now there is.”

“Who?” I asked.

“Huh, you just talked to him,” Cole said quietly.

The headmaster. Barry, the same guy who had…I shivered.

“It’ll be fine. I’m used to him. He’s not violent really just, creative. But only if you do something stupid. I won’t do stupid things. “

“Is that another reason you’ve been staying away?” I asked him, “Because you don’t want to do stupid things?”

“Yeah,” he said snorting slightly, “Being around you would get me into more trouble than it was worth. The only reason why I’m not worried about it right now is that everyone can see us. There isn’t any question that I haven’t done anything I shouldn’t be because everyone can see us walking to…your ride.”

He smiled as we got to the van Alice sighing as she looked at us, “There you are sugar, what were you doing?” she asked me.

“We were just talking,” Cole said smiling at her.

“And how are you doing?” Alice asked him giving him a hug.

“I’m ok. How are you?” he asked her.

“I’m fine. Don’t you worry your head about me boy,” she said, “I haven’t seen you around lately. You need to come by more.”

Cole laughed, “That’s what we were talking about. I’ll see you later,” Cole said, “You too Will.”

“Yeah,” I nodded my head before he walked away.

“Now get in the car. We best be on our way back home. I have to get that roast in the crock pot,” she told me, “Your Daddy has guests coming over.”

My stomach fell. We had guests? Why? Why did Da have guest?

“I know what you’re thinking,” she said opening the passenger side door for me as she gave me a comforting side squeeze, “We’ll find a way to make it ok.”

I nodded my head numbly. I wasn’t sure there was any way to make guest ok. Not even a little bit. When Da had guests, it was Leo or Hank. Or Arthur. When Da had guest only bad things happened. It was supposed to be the end of the weekend. The last day where I didn’t have to deal with Wallace, with Danny when he decided to open his mouth. It was supposed to be my last day where I didn’t feel trapped and I had actually left Jay’s room. Gone to church. I was planning to have fun and now…now we had guests.

Guest that I didn’t want to see but, John wasn’t…John wasn’t there. So why else would Da have guest over? I hugged myself as I sat in the car as Alice went over to the driver’s side. I reminded myself I couldn’t cry. That I wasn’t allowed to cry because it wasn’t abuse.

“Willy, what’s wrong?” Jay asked me.

I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about it. How I knew I was about to be raped. How Da was going to make me go downstairs and then he was going to…

“It’s ok Jamie sweetheart,” Alice said, “Willy is just having a bad day.” 

“You can stay with me today. I’ll make it better. We can play Legos in my room and read harry potter in my closet and then we can sle…”

“I don’t think I’m going to be able to do that bud,” I said as we pulled up to the house.

There were three cars there. None of them were cars I knew. Not even one of them. The one that stood out the most was a convertible of some kind. At the time I didn’t know what it was but, it was fancy, really fancy. A bright Cherry red with the top down. The seats made of a red leather that was almost as bright as the actual body of the car.

“Who likes gingerbread cookies the best?” Alice asked smiling like it was a game, her asking.

“ME!” James said.

“Who is snickerdoodle?” Alice asked.

“ME!” Mike said.

“Chocolate chip?” Alice asked.

“Do I get some?” Catty asked, “Those are my favorite. Are we having a baking day? I thought you were making a roast.”

“We’re doing both baby girl,” Alice said, “Matty what are your favorites?”

“Peanut butter blossoms,” he answered staring fiercely at the cars in the driveway.

I couldn’t figure out why. If it was just because they were really fancy cars or if he knew something I didn’t his whole being taunt like he was ready to fight like he was expecting something bad to happen. The other car was a new one. Very new, a white Plymouth prowler that seemed to shine almost brighter than the sun, the light blinding as it hit its shiny paint job.

“That’s a cool car,” Jay said quietly.

“Yeah,” Matty agreed quietly.

“I do…”

“It’s ok Sugar,” Alice told me, “I’ll get them upstairs. Don’t you worry about it.”

I nodded my head my throat feeling tight. Whoever these people were, they weren’t people we knew. Alice parked the car as I …I remember staring at the cars wide-eyed wondering why they were there. Who they were and hoping they…knowing that they were there for that but praying that they weren’t.

Da suddenly coming out of the kitchen door when we pulled up smiling at Alice happily, “Hi Alice.”

“Hello Mr. McGregor,” she said putting on her best smile once more, “How can I help you?”

“I picked up a bigger roast. Is a 10 pound, ok?” he asked her.

“Oh my. A 10 pound should be more than enough. How many guests do we have today?” she asked him.

“Three and my brother is coming by later probably in time for dinner. Do you think you can cook all of that in the…”?

“Upstairs kitchen? Absolutely if that’s what you want,” she said, “Are you here to help me take the babies upstairs?”

“Of course, I’ll help you with the kids,” Da said smiling at her as I climbed out and opened the van door.

“Is something wrong?” Catty asked me.

“No,” I shook my head smiling, “Nothing’s wrong Kitty Cat. How about you go with Alice and head upstairs. I have to help Da…”

“Grab the little ones,” Da said behind me, “Come on sweetheart, out we get.”

Da reached in and grabbed her and she allowed him to. Allowed him to pick her up and help her from the car before she started walking towards the house. I sighed with slight relief when I saw her walk into the kitchen noticing that no one was sitting there in it.

“Can you hand me Shay? Has Mary started walking yet?” Da asked me as I climbed into the back and pulled Shay from his car seat handing him to Da.

“I don’t think so,” I told him.

“That’s rare, usually girls walk and talk first,” Da told me, “You have any questions?”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to know why they were there. I wanted to be able to lie to myself for as long as possible. Tell myself that everything was fine. That they weren’t there to see me. That maybe it was a business meeting Da was having and it didn’t have to be something else. That it didn’t have to involve me at all.

“You sure?” he asked me as he handed Shay over to Matty and it took everything in me to hold my tongue. I handed Mary to Da and he smiled at her, “Hi my pretty girl. Are you Daddy’s pretty girl?” he asked her cooing to her as I grabbed Mac and passed him out to Alice who waited for me to unbuckle Andy and Lar before she started walking away with them.

“Is there something I need to know?” I asked feeling rather brave about the question.

I didn’t usually ask Da questions. He was the one who asked me questions. That was one of the foundations of our relationship. He asked I answered. He told I obeyed. That was just how it was and to ask him something felt weird. Made me nervous, even more, afraid of what was about to happen.

“Well, I have some friends that are over here to see you,” he said, “I just thought you might be curious as to who they are. Why they are here.”

“Why are…?” I trailed off afraid of what he was going to say.

“We’re throwing a very special party for a very special person in your life and we need people to audition for certain things so they are here to audition you and you are brothers for some things,” Da said smiling, “So why don’t you go wait in the kitchen with Mike and Matt and James and I’ll be there shortly?”

I nodded my head before shutting the van door as Da made sure everyone made it upstairs safely. It was weird sitting in the kitchen with them. James clinging to me and me, letting him. He knew it was bad. Whatever was going on was bad. I could feel his little body shaking in my arms. He was too afraid to speak. I think I was too.

“I’ll keep you safe ok?” Matty said looking at Mike who also looked nervous.

“I’m ok,” Mike lied.

Matt shook his head, “You’re mine. I’ll keep you safe. I promise. I know how to…I’ll keep you safe.” 

He sounded confident. Showing me a side of him I hadn’t seen before, not really. Making me think that maybe I didn’t really understand the relationship he and Mike had like I thought I did. He leaned close and whispering something in Mike’s ear who nodded his head and gave him a small smile before Da reappeared coming down the stairs.

“Ok boys. I told Alice that you are spending the afternoon with me until dinner. This is going to go one of two ways. I want you to talk to these people. This is a real interview and audition. I want you to be honest and open about any question they ask you no matter how personal it may seem. There is a purpose to this. After you answer their questions we will eat as a family and then we will be going back downstairs for you to audition to be entertainment for the event.

“What event?” James asked his cheeks instantly going red as Da looked at him. He had spoken out of turn, James burying his face in my side like a toddler might hide behind their mother’s skirt if they were nervous or being shy.

“it’s ok kiddo,” Da said smiling at him, “I’m glad you asked. It’s a very important party for our good friend Mr. Lord and we want to make him happy, so we are only going to use the best boys for entertainment to make him and his friends happy. So, you’ll be spending some time with my friends Mr. Ford and Mr. Cross as well as Mr. Tanner, so we can determine whether all of you, one of you or none of you will be a good fit for the party, ok?”

James nodded his head even though I could feel his body tense, feel him sitting a little straighter. Almost like he was trying to be brave. Like he understood what was being asked and he was trying to be brave.

“Does anyone have any more questions? The only time you get to ask,” Da said looking at the four of us.

“Are they…are they going to hurt us?” Mike asked.

“Somethings might make you uncomfortable, but I wouldn’t say they are going to hurt you,” Da answered, “If something hurts you just breathe deep. We’ve talked about that, remember?”

Mike nodded his head in response even though his eyes looked wet. Like he was going to cry. Like he was scared too. Because we all knew. We knew that uncomfortable meant pain. Not extreme pain but enough pain that we weren’t going to like it. That we were expected to just deal with whatever they wanted to subject us to. Da sighing and smiling at us.

“Ok, come on, let’s go downstairs,” Da said holding open the basement door for us as we filed down the stairs. The door closing behind us making me flinch.

I remember my anxiety being so high it felt uncomfortable to breathe. Almost difficult but not quite. The thought that someone was downstairs in either one or both of those rooms. That they probably wanted us naked, wanted to see our bodies, my body wanted…

“Matt! No, not right now,” Da said as I turned to look at Matt who had pulled the nice Polo shirt he had worn to church over his head leaving him standing there in his undershirt, “We’re leaving our clothes on for now. I’ll tell you when, ok?”

“Sorry Da,” Matt said quietly.

“Everyone I want you to go into the second room. Will, could you please go into the one room across the hall?” Da asked me pointing at one of the doors to which I nodded my head.

That was the storage room. Or, at least I thought it was. There were five rooms down there three of them almost bedrooms but Da used them for…sex things. We called them “red rooms” because all the fixtures and the walls were red, the carpet, the bedclothes, everything.

The other two rooms I had never been in. Da opened the door and directed all three of them into that room as I heard murmurs from other people that apparently had been waiting inside as my stomach jumped into my throat and my mouth went dry. As I looked at the door he had pointed at. I sighed wiping my hands off on my pants, trying to wipe the sweat off my palms before I reached out and turned the handle.

“Come in,” a man said looking at me as I took in the room.

It was pretty plain looking, to be honest. A big oak desk in the center that looked extremely old that I didn’t remember ever seeing before an intricately carved chair with what looked like gold and red velvet lining the seat of it. A chair that seemed to go with the desk while on the other side where the man was sitting was a simple office chair. The guy smiling at me and pointing at the chair on the other side of the desk facing him.

He was the same guy I had seen at Church earlier talking to Leo the idea making my throat feel even tighter. His bleach-blond hair looking out of place with his tan skin his dark eyes seeming amused by my hesitation to sit down.

“You can sit. I’m not going to bite you,” he said looking at a folder.

So, this was a real interview? Da wasn’t lying. They were actually interviewing me.

“So, can you tell me your name to start?” he said as I slowly pulled the chair out and sat down.

“Will,” I answered quietly not sure what to think about him as he smiled at me.

“I’m not going to hurt you. You’re ok,” he said, “I see it in your face. You get nervous, don’t you?”

I nodded my head. Not sure what else to do, to say.

“He said you were quiet. I didn’t realize it’d be like talking to a mute,” he muttered before he grabbed a notepad and wrote something down on it, “How old are you again?”

“I’m 11,” I said.

“And you can ejaculate?” he asked frowning at one of the papers in front of him.

I felt my face glowing. How did…? Why was he asking me that? Why was…

“Relax, you’re not in trouble. I don’t care either way it’s just unusual. A little young but nothing to be upset about,” he told me.

I nodded my head my face burning with embarrassment as he smiled at me, “That’s ok. It’s not a big deal and nothing to be ashamed of. If I were you personally I’d be proud. There are guys older than you who can’t do that. Would you say it’s still very watery when you ejaculate or it’s a thicker stickier type of discharge?”

What the actual fuck? Why was this guy asking me about…that? About what my spunk was like? I wasn’t ok with answering that question. I didn’t want to talk about that. Not sure what to say, how to respond as he looked at me waiting for an answer.  
“Look,” he said, “It just means that your sperm isn’t mature. That’s the only reason why I’m asking. I don’t know why it matters but to some people it does. Like if you shot off a load would it stick to whatever surface it landed on or would it drip off do you think?”

“Drip probably,” I answered quietly my whole face feeling like it was burning.

“So, it’s clearer or slightly cloudy and not white yet?” he asked me 

What? I didn’t know what to say to that. Why was he asking it was…it wasn’t like I really got a chance to look at it. I just shrugged my shoulders feeling confused.

“Ok,” he said writing something down, “How many times in a row can you ejaculate? Have you ever counted?”

I shook my head. No, I hadn’t counted. Why was he asking me this stuff? He wasn’t my doctor. He barely looked old enough to be anyone’s doctor if he was one.

“N…no,” I stuttered.

“Do you know the highest amount of time you’ve reached orgasm in a 2-hour period?” he asked me.

“N…no,” I said.

“Would you say more than once?” he asked me as I nodded my head slowly feeling sick to my stomach thinking about it, “More than two times?” I nodded my head again, “would you say between three and seven is probably accurate?” he asked me.

“Probably,” I agreed, “Can…”

I felt like I was having a heart attack and this guy was barely looking at me. I didn’t want to talk about this with him. It wasn’t something that I had any interest in talking about with this guy.

“How is your body development do you have pubic hair?” he asked me.

Did I have pubic hair? I had some but, not a lot. I figured that was a part of my problem. When I had left Florida, I hadn’t had any and when I had come back well…yeah, I had some. It was normal. I just happened to have advanced body development for my age. Most boys don’t start developing those first tiny light hairs of puberty until they are 12 or closer to 13.

I had started developing them at 11. Lionel liked young boys, he didn’t like older boys. So, looking back it makes sense. Why he had started sharing me at that point because my body was more advanced than what he liked. What he wanted even if a lot of my mannerisms were still childlike. At the time, that’s something I didn’t see. 

I nodded my head in response.

“Do you actually speak or you really just that shy you can only manage a word or two to each paragraph that I utter?” the guy asked looking up at me finally seeming annoyed.

It was weird talking about my physical state with him. With a guy, I’d only actually seen for the first time that morning or at the very least noticed. It was weird having him mostly ignore me visually and get annoyed when he had to look up at me. All of it was weird.

“Do you bathe daily?” he asked me to which I went to nod my head before I thought about what Lionel would say if I didn’t speak.

“At least once a day,” I managed.

“Oh my god. He speaks,” the guy said smiling, “You’re just really that shy?”

“I…yes,” I sighed giving up on the idea of explaining myself knowing that he didn’t really care at all. That he would come to his own conclusions about it.

“No wonder the boss likes you. A performer and quiet. You’re practically a trophy wife,” he muttered writing something else down on his notepad, “You can go. Tell your Da to send the next brother in.”

With that, I couldn’t get out of that room fast enough. I was sure my face was still glowing red my body looking like I almost had two different skin tones. One from the collarbones up and one from the collarbones down. Me sighing heavily as I opened the door that Da had ushered my brothers into.

“Da he said that he’s ready to talk to someone else,” I managed to stammer out.

“Ok, Matty you can go,” Da said.

I looked over at Matt frowning, watching him talking to this one guy. He looked older than Da and I hadn’t seen him before yet, somehow, he looked familiar. His gray eyes sparkling with excitement as he looked at Matt.

Matt was standing close to him, talking to him. Like he was interested in what the guy had to say like he was…my stomach sinking. Da couldn’t be looking for contracts for them yet. He couldn’t. They were too young Matt giving Da this look.

“But Da we’re talking,” he said quietly giving a half-hearted protest.

“Now,” Da said to which Matt sighed.

“I’ll be back ok?” He said.

“I’ll be here,” he told him, “Don’t worry. Gives me and your brother some alone time. You’re the quiet one aren’t you, Mike?”

Mike didn’t respond. To me, he looked nervous. Very nervous sitting with his knees tucked under his chin on the floor up against the wall. He had been watching Matt and this guy interact from that spot. His eyes wide like he was scared. Like he didn’t want to be there, and he didn’t trust that guy. Like Mike was listening to his gut.

Just as Matt left someone else came into the room everyone going quiet, even Da. Almost like it was Lionel. He looked like he was about the same age Lionel was only mostly bald where Lionel still had some hair. The only hair he really had a lot of being the five o’clock shadow he had above his upper lip and along his jaw. His eyes were so gray they were almost brown. 

He didn’t look at anyone else but at me trying to give me a smile but it coming across as more of a grimace, “William, may I talk to you in the other room please?” he asked me.

I found myself looking at Da. Looking at him almost like I was looking for permission. Da smiling at me and nodding his head encouragingly as I turned around and walked out of the room.

“So, you’re the boy?” he asked me his almost smile softening to more resemble a real one as his arm rested near my back, but he didn’t touch me escorting me from the room and into the other red room. The one with the two beds in it. The one where…I didn’t want to go in there.

“It’s ok. I’m not here to hurt you. I just have some questions,” he tried to assure me as his arm guided me forward over the threshold of the room and he shut the door behind me.

“How about we start with how you’re feeling? Can you tell me that?” he asked me.

“Nervous,” I mumbled.

“Why nervous?” he asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders causing his eyes to light up.

“He said you were shy. Just pretend I’m him it if helps. He wouldn’t like to hear that you weren’t speaking when being asked questions,” he pointed out.

I knew that was true. Lionel would have told me to use my words. Every time I had nodded or shaken my head in response he would have told me that I needed to use my words. I took a deep breath determined to try and talk.

“I…,” I sighed trying again, “My chest is tight, and I don’t know anyone here.”

“Thank you for your honesty,” He said, “Well, I’m Mr. Ford or Peter for right now. I’m a friend of Lionel’s. Most people will call him the leader or Boss or even sir but if you notice like your Da I called him Lionel. He lets you call him by his first name too, doesn’t he?”

I went to go shrug my shoulders but caught myself, “Sometimes. Usually Daddy L.”

“Ok,” Peter nodded his head, “We’ll call him Daddy L then, how does that sound?”

I wasn’t thrilled with the idea but whatever. I wasn’t about to have an argument with this guy. I wasn’t even really sure what he wanted or what he was doing. Was he going to ask me more questions about…about my body? The idea of him doing that making me fold my arms over my chest.

“It’s ok,” he said, “Why don’t you sit down, and we’ll have a chat? That’s all I’m here for really.”

“We’re not going to talk about…what I can do?” I asked him.

“Well, that depends. What can you do?” he asked me.

I felt my face getting warm. I didn’t want to talk about that…I didn’t…

“It’s ok. You’re ok. Just take a breath. I don’t want you to get upset, ok? We’re just talking. Why don’t we talk about what you know? Do you understand what a contract is?”

Why was he asking about contracts? Of course, I knew what a contract was. Apparently, almost every single one of my friends had one including me and John. Teddy had said that we weren’t really supposed to talk about them. Not to anyone. The words echoing in my head making me wonder if this was some trick as Peter looked at me.

“Come here and sit,” he said sitting down on the one bed and patting a spot next to him softly.

I didn’t want to sit. I wasn’t stupid enough to tell him no though. But, the spot he had touched was really close to him. My head racing. Was I really supposed to sit there or, just sit? He said he wasn’t there to hurt me but, hurting me to him wasn’t the same as touching me even if for me it was. Da and Uncle Ben, as well as Lionel, had made that very clear.

“You look like you’re getting upset. Can you tell me why?” he asked me.

“I…,” did I tell him the truth? That I was afraid he was going to touch me? That it felt hard to breathe because I was afraid he was going to touch me? 

“It’s ok,” he said trying to sound comforting, “Are you afraid?”

I nodded my head not sure I could find the words.

“Look, I’m really not going to hurt you. I have no intentions of hurting you, I don’t even have any intentions of making physical contact with you, however, I think this conversation would be a lot more comfortable if you sat down, ok?” He said softly.

So, he wasn’t going to. He wasn’t going to touch me. I exhaled deeply relaxing a little bit. Maybe he really didn’t have any interest in me at all. Maybe none of them did. Maybe they were really just here to talk to us. Maybe that’s all it was.

I nodded my head and sat down on the other corner of the bed, the one farthest from him. He made a little noise as he turned so he was facing me and smiled, “Ok, now how about we talk about contracts? You know what that means?”

“It means you’re with someone,” I answered quietly, unsure what answer he was looking for.

“Ok but elaborate for me. Pretend I’m one of your little brothers and explain it to me,” Peter said watching me closely.

“Oh,” I said not sure where to start. How I would explain something like that to James? James was just little he barely understood the world as it was let alone brotherhood stuff so therefore I would have to. I took a deep breath before I thought about how I would explain it to James.

“Well, Da is a part of this group. And this group believes in real love and Da’s talked about that. When …,” I had to take a deep breath trying to keep myself from shaking, “When a man wants to practice real love with a kid he asks that kids Da and if the Da agrees they sign a paper. That paper is a contract and it means they’re together. The man and the kid.”

“Very good,” Peter said giving me an encouraging smile, “What do you mean when you say together?”

“They spend…they spend time together,” I summarized.

“And what do they do together?” he asked me.

“I can’t…I’m not supposed to talk about that,” I said automatically.

We weren’t. Among our friends we did but, we knew we weren’t supposed to. Whatever happened in your contract was between you and your contract holder. We all knew that. Talking about it was something that could get you into serious trouble especially if a handler heard you talking about it in detail. I wasn’t sure what the punishment would be, but I personally wasn’t in the mood to find out.

He sighed looking at me still smiling, “Ok, well, I’m glad you gave me that answer. That was a good answer if someone is asking you about your personal relationship with Daddy L but, I wasn’t. We’re roleplaying remember? I’m one of your brothers and I’m asking what happens in a contract. What a contract holder would do with a boy or girl he’s contracted to. Nothing personal. Just in a general sense.”

“They…they go places together,” I answered quietly, “spend time together.”

“What are they doing when they spend time together?” he prompted me.

“Having …having sex,” I answered my face flushing again.

“Ok, close. Practicing real love but having sex is close. There’s a slight difference though. Sex is something you do with someone closer to your own age. Practicing real love is something that an older person teaches you. That’s the point of a contract is to teach you what sex is. So, it’s a little different. It’s also to help create a bond, a strong bond between a parent and a child or a contract holder and their contractee. So, that’s something you would say if a younger bottom asked about it, ok?”

I nodded my head. It was all horse shit. There was no practicing anything. You weren’t even having sex according to Julie, according to most people. To have sex you had to want it. You had to be willing to do it, to have someone do those things to you and that’s not what was happening when you had a contract.

I just wasn’t stupid enough to use the word rape. Not in front of a handler. But, it was rape. Your contract holder raped you. They didn’t have sex with you, they didn’t help you practice “real love”. They raped you. And I wasn’t going to tell my brother or any other kid otherwise unless there was a handler right in front of me expecting me to say something different. Forcing me to say something different or that kid was going to get their ass beat. Or I was going to get mine beat.

“I understand,” I added when he didn’t reply.

“Ok, good,” he said smiling at me, “Now I’m going to assume you know that what happens between a contract holder and bottom is private? What about what happens between a handler and a bottom?”

“That’s private too,” I said.

“What about what happens at a party?” he asked me.

I wasn’t sure I understood the question. At a party. Usually, there was more than one bottom and one handler at a party. So, why would it be private or a secret if that was the case?

“I can see you’re a little confused by that one, it’s ok,” he said, “Let me explain. A party is usually a brotherhood gathering so we want to be careful where we talk about those things. Some boys who aren’t invited might be jealous that they weren’t included and when people get upset they tend to say things at the wrong time, sometimes in front of the wrong person. So, it’s best to not talk about those things even in brotherhood groups because bottoms don’t always know who is invited to a party and who isn’t. Do you understand now?” he asked me.

Yeah, I could understand that. He was saying that whatever this was for I shouldn’t mention it. That it wasn’t something I was supposed to discuss with my friends. I was pretty sure I didn’t know any bottoms that wanted to be invited to any parties. Not the ones the brotherhood threw anyway but I didn’t want to say that out loud, so I just answered with:

“I understand.”

“Good,” he said, “I think those are the only questions I really have for you. So how about I walk you back over to the other room and you can hang with your brothers for a while?” he told me.

This had taken a while at this point. All of the questioning and talking. We had gotten home from Church around noon and it was close to 2:30 at that point. The only two that had really been questioned being me and Matt even though when Peter and I returned Mike was gone from the room and Matt had returned where he was apparently wrestling with the third guy Da had brought over as James sat quietly up against the wall.

I walked right over to him and he immediately got up and moved so he was in my lap so instead of pulling my knees up to my chest I wrapped my legs around him slightly protecting us both. I felt weird. Probably because of talking to these guys about my body, about what I knew of the brotherhood and contracts. About things, I wasn’t supposed to talk about and didn’t really talk about with anyone but my friends.

“Are you ok, Willy?” James whispered to me loud enough so only I could hear.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head and smiling at him before I kissed his forehead, “I’m ok. We’re just waiting.”

“For what?” he asked me.

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly, “I think after this though, we’re eating dinner. I’m not sure if they are going to be asking you questions.”

“What type of questions did they ask you?” James asked me.

“You know how we’ve talked about Da’s friends and the stuff they talk about?” I asked him.

“You mean how Uncle Ben talked about the special hood of brothers and how they believe in real love like Da and Uncle Ben?” he asked me.

“The brotherhood and, yes,” I said.

“That’s what you talked about?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head.

“Did you talk about how it’s all secret? Like super-duper secret and we’re not supposed to talk about it?” James asked me, “Especially in places where people can hear.”

“That’s exactly what we talked about,” I told him.

“But we’re not supposed to…!” he trailed off, “They’re them, aren’t they?”

I nodded my head.

“But they…we’re…”

“Shhh…I know. Just be calm. It’s ok, I’m right here.”

“Hey! Will, right?” The other guy that was rolling around the floor with Matt said, “Do you want to come to play with us?”

“He’s too stuck up,” Matty told him.

“I don’t think that’s true,” he said smiling at me as he gave Matt a noogie, “Do you know who I am?”

No, I didn’t know who he was. I had no idea. I shook my head.

“My name is Zac. Zac Cross,” he said, “I can teach you how to wrestle. You’re in 7th grade and those mentors sometimes they like to play rough. You sure you don’t want to learn how?”

Did I want to roll around on the carpet with him like he was doing with Matt? Did I want him pinning me between his body and the floor as I struggled, and he put me in a headlock? No, I could live without that experience.

“I’m sure, thanks for the offer though,” I told him.

“You should,” he said as Peter came back into the room.

“Matthew, right? Would you like to come with me please?” Peter asked as Matt go up and walked away with him, leaving the room.

“Come on. You or the kid,” he said smiling at James and me.

James looked at me before he whispered, “Willy you don’t have to. He’s lying. Da won’t make you.”

“You don’t know that,” I said shaking my head as I moved to untangle myself from him.

“Good boy,” Zac said standing up and taking his shirt off over his head. He had only been wearing a wife beater and dress pants when rolling around on the ground with Matt, “Why don’t you take your shirt off?” he asked me.

I didn’t want to take my shirt off. I was wearing a nice burgundy polo and a pair of khaki dress slacks for church. Sunday church we didn’t have to wear our school uniforms, but we still had to dress like we were going to church or someplace formal and because I was under 13 a nice polo was considered formal wear according to our school dress code so that was what I had worn. I wanted to keep my shirt on. I liked my shirt and I still had whip marks that I wasn’t sure Jay had seen yet. I was sure that while they were probably pinker then red the welts remained, and Jay didn’t need to be exposed to that.

He didn’t know I’d been whipped. I didn’t want to take off my shirt. I really didn’t. I felt like something bad was going to happen if I did. The door opening and Da coming in from where ever he was.

I think that was the first time I was ever happy to see Da. The first time I was ever thankful for him being there. He smiled at us, “Dinner is just about ready so how about we go eat? Alice set everything up, so we can enjoy a meal together.”

I felt lucky. I still have no idea what would have happened if Da hadn’t come back. If he would have actually wrestled with me or if something else would have happened. If he too would have raped me right then, or if it was some harmless joke.  
I remember feeling like a brick was sitting in my gut the whole time I was at the table. Uncle Ben wasn’t there like Da had said he might be. At the very least I had that to be thankful for.

“Too bad Lionel isn’t here,” Peter said, “And your other boy and his …”

“Leo,” Da finished, “That would be nice. Just to see it. Show everyone a true example of how successful contracting can be.”

“What is…oh,” James said as everyone turned to look at him.

Alice and Andy, Mac, Laura, Mary, Shay, and Cat were eating upstairs so it was just us older boys minus John who was with Leo. It felt weird. Sitting there next to Peter and watching Zac sitting next to Matt who kept glancing at him and smiling.  
It was hard to keep my mouth shut. To restrain myself from telling Matt he was being an idiot. That Zac wasn’t someone he should be happy to see or talk to. That Zac was brotherhood. That he was there to hurt at least one of us.

“How is school going for you boys?” Peter asked.

“Good I think,” James said, “It’s weird and really different from going to school in Montana.”

“I was told about that,” Peter said, “What about you, William?”

“I have a mentor, I’m in the 7th grade. It’s ok,” I said quietly.

“Oh,” he said nodding his head, “Was that The Leader’s idea? That was something we had implemented at our school as boys.”

“Was it really?” Da asked, “I had no idea. It probably was. I know that he chose Wallace to mentor William personally.”

“Really?” Peter said smiling at me, “I know the Huber’s. They are a good family. Very into the teachings. I personally keep telling Ern to go for one of those mail-order bride deals from Russia but, he doesn’t seem interested.”

“Is he like Hank and Arthur?” Da asked.

“I think so,” Peter said nodding his head, “I’ve heard he’s looked around into that alternative lifestyle and just hasn’t found the right person. I wouldn’t be opposed to that though. Lionel would encourage it. It allows for a more normal appearance when it comes to outsiders. Believe it or not, some people, unless they are Catholic, are less likely to think something is off about a man raising his children with another man than a man raising them alone.”

That was totally not true. I had no idea where he had heard that but, from what I understood that wasn’t true at all. People hated gay guys, especially two gay guys together. I had no idea where this guy was hearing this bullcrap from, but I knew if people found out I was gay they would rather burn me at the stake than see me in a relationship.

“Something wrong Will?” Da asked me.

I shook my head before I thought about what Lionel would say, “No Da. Nothing’s wrong.”

“Do you like it doggy style?” Matt suddenly asked just as I had gone to go get a drink of water spitting water all over the place as I coughed and sputtered.

“That my dear boy,” Zac said before pulling his hand out from under the table was the linked with Matt’s, “Is something we will discuss in private, later. Ok?”

“I was just curious because I really like it when Da gives it to me from behind,” Matty said like he was talking about the weather and not about our Da and him…

“I…,” James started to say something, “I…I’m not hungry anymore. Can I go?”

“If you’re done eating, yes you may go,” Da said, “You too Will.”

I was personally thankful for being dismissed. Knowing it meant we had served our purpose for the night. At least, for the most part. James taking my hand on the way to the lift.

“That guys there to have sex with him,” Jay said as we stared at the lift door waiting for it to open.

“I know,” I said not sure what else there was to say about it.

“Do you think he’s here for Mikey too?” he asked me.

“I have no idea. But, I know Mikey doesn’t want to,” I told him.

“Matty does,” Jay muttered quietly.

“Matty, I think there’s something wrong with his brain. We talked about that, remember?” I asked Jay to which he nodded his head.

“I wish there wasn’t. I wish that Matty was normal that way I didn’t have to worry about things,” Jay told me.

“What things?” I asked.

His comment got my attention. If he feared Matty things were getting worse and a lot faster without his medication than I thought, they would. He no longer seemed to be fighting himself on things but just accepting them. He had asked a stranger, a man we had never met if he would give it to him like…the whole thing was beyond disturbing. 

“Just things,” Jay said quietly.

“Jay,” I said as the lift door opened, “He’s not hurting you, is he?”

Jay shook his head, “He said that I…Daddy L wants me that Daddy wants me too, but he won’t because of…because I’m Daddy L’s now. He said that…he sai…”

“Ok,” I said as he started crying, “Shhh…. it’s ok bud, I’m right here. “

It made me wonder what else Matt might have said to him that he was having trouble talking about it. That he was so scared of repeating the words he was stuttering as he started sobbing into my shirt. I picked him up hushing him. Doing my best to comfort him. Whatever Matty had said to him or done he was so scared he didn’t want to let go of me.

I climbed into his closet with him and laid down with him, “It’s ok bud, I’m right here. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere. I won’t go anywhere. I promise. I’m right here.”


	65. Chapter 65

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will is woken up in the middle of the night by Alice who tells him Da wants to see him. What he walks into is a living nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1664 to 1674. **Warnings: Rape, forced voyeurism, forced anal, forced oral, rape or nine-year-olds, forced incest, mental health issues, anxiety, forced restraints.** Yes, this chapter is kind of short. However, I'm going to start editing another one to make up for it in just a minute. That one will probably be more average sized. **John part 2 between Chapter 22 and Chapter 23**

That’s how I would have liked that night to end but instead, I was called downstairs. Alice woke me from a deep sleep rubbing my shoulder lightly. Waking me up and reminding me of the world I lived in. The world where I was a thing and not a person. Where the little person in my arms also wasn’t a person but an object. Something someone owned.

“Will, sugar your Daddy wants you,” she whispered quietly.

I remember wiping the sleep from my eyes as she rubbed my shoulder in a comforting way. Like she knew something bad was going to happen as I slowly sat up. As I sat up I must have gestured or something because she sighed running her hand through the top of my hair.

“Just you,” she whispered, and I nodded my head sighing in relief. At least he wasn’t asking for James too. At least James was safe from whatever was going to happen.

“I made cookies. Yours are in your room,” she told me as I stretched getting ready to stand. 

I stood up and walked away shutting the door behind us. I didn’t know what was going to happen just that it was late. 8 pm, around the time where Cat and James went to bed anyway. It was better it was just me and that they didn’t want to see him or the twins. Better that I had to deal with it alone than with them.

When I got off the lift on the 2nd floor Peter was there to greet me the idea that it was him alone making me nervous. What if he…? The thought making my stomach hurt, making me feel like I had to throw up. Lionel would be so mad at me. He’d be beyond mad at me. I couldn’t take it if he was mad at me again.

“Don’t look so nervous,” he said smiling at me, “You’re just going to help us with something is all. Lionel and your Dad say that you’re very good at helping.”

Did he think I was seven? Did he think I didn’t understand where he was making me go? That I was supposed to go with him and…? I sighed heavily nodding my head as I started walking towards the stairs.

“You look tired,” he mentioned.

“I feel asleep holding a kid that was too scared to speak. All he could do was cry,” I mentioned.

“Ah well, that’s a part of being a brother. Comforting them while they cry. Telling them it’s ok. Showing a good example,” he said as we descended into the kitchen and he opened the door to the basement. Almost like it was his house and not mine. 

When we got downstairs I didn’t hear anything until the door opened a mixture of moans and whimpering, crying. A mixture of pleasure and pain. The sounds making me blush. Making my whole body feel warm even though they sounded…the sound making my heart beat faster because I knew what I was about to see and sure enough I wanted to rip my eyes out the moment the door opened.

Da had them both on a bed. Mike was restrained his arms locked together at the wrist above his head attached to the headboard way too high to be comfortable elevating his upper body off the pillows under him. A ball gag in his mouth as Zac was between his legs tears streaming down his face as Matt laid on top of him, on top of Mike his head in Mike’s crotch.

They were raping him, together. Da fondling Matt as he blew Mike as…as Zac raped him. The sight making me sick. Sicker than the sounds. The whole thing making me wonder why I was there. If that was what he was doing to them why he wanted me there to begin with.

“Da…you’re…,” Matt barely managed before letting out another moan as Zac thrust into Mike causing a small squeak to make it past the gag in his mouth.

“Da, why am I here?” I asked him.

“You’re going to help with something,” he said looking at me, “Strip.”

He was telling me to strip, to take off my clothes. To …I wouldn’t do that with them. I wouldn’t. I shook my head Da smiling at me like he knew something.

Mikey screamed behind his gag. Literally screamed. Matt stopped what he was doing and looking at Da, at Zac his eyes going wide. Moments before he had been almost enjoying what was going on but with that, with Mike’s scream his eyes went wide, and he froze. I couldn’t tell if it was because he was reading the room or what until he looked at Da his face dead serious muttering quietly.

“That hurt.”

“Well if Will would behave himself no one would be getting hurt. And why do you care? It wasn’t you,” Da asked Matty flinching as Zac once again thrust hard into Mike.

“I can feel it. It hurts,” Matty said, “Daddy stop.”

“What did you just fucking say?!” Da hissed at him before punching him and pushing him down hard face first into the bed.

“What do you want me to do?” I asked him pulling my polo shirt, the same one I had worn to church over my head.

“Much better,” he muttered, “Take it all off.”

I hastily stepped out of my clothes looking at my brothers. They were so small. Even at nine, they seemed small. I knew I was bigger physically for my age and more physically matched to a boy that one or two years older than I was, but Matt and Mike looked so small. Especially with Zach on the bed with them Mike crying and whimpering openly through the gag that was in his mouth. They were hurting him. They were hurting him badly Matt frowning at Da like he expected him to stop it, to tell Zac he needed to quit as I stood there in front of him naked.

“Come here honey,” Da said holding his hand out, reaching for me.

I didn’t want to do whatever he was going to make me do but, it was better than seeing Mike in pain. Seeing him gagged like that. Seeing him struggling. I walked forward towards him and he moved so I could sit on the bed next to Zac who was watching closely even though he was still buried inside of Mike. Matt had one knee on each side of Mike’s torso. Almost like Mike would be doing the same thing Matt had been doing to him if it weren’t for the gag in his mouth. If it weren’t for the fact he had tears of pain streaming down his face.

“Come here, I want you to show them how it’s done,” he said smiling at me as I climbed onto the bed next to the three of them, joining Da. Da standing up so I could lay down.

“He’s really that good?” Zac asked looking at Da and not at me as I climbed onto the bed beside him and sighed waiting for his direction, waiting for Da to tell me what to do.

It wasn’t that I wanted to do what he said but more that I was nervous, shaking. I wasn’t sure what he wanted, and I would rather be safe than sorry. Especially if it came to the safety of my brothers. The first babies I had ever held, ever remembered hearing cry. The first people that I had ever met that were smaller than I was. They had been there for as long as I remembered, and they had always depended on me in some ways. I couldn’t let them down. I couldn’t risk making Da angry and having him continue to punish Mike by inflicting unbearable pain on him.

“Relax,” Da said crawling on top of me his knees slightly digging into my hip bones as he brushed some hair behind my ear out of my face as I took a deep breath causing my shoulders to shudder, “You are paying attention right, Matt? That way you can show Mike later?”

“Yeah, Da,” Matt said sounding fascinated by what we were doing. By how I was scared stiff under him, how every movement I made was slow and calculated.

“It’s ok honey,” Da said moving my legs, picking me them up with a firm grip by the back of my thighs. Da’s breathing getting heavy as he started rocking, started rubbing himself against my crack.

“Wow,” Matt whispered like he was watching, really watching as I felt my heart start beating against my ribs and I rounded my lips trying to exhale deeply.

It always felt weird the skin of someone’s shaft rubbing against my crack. It reminded me of being a little kid. Of being that little boy who had no idea what he was doing but knew it felt wrong, that it wasn’t something I wanted to do with my Da. That it was…  
“Tell me you want it,” Da muttered leaning in nibbling on my neck, “Come on honey. Be good, tell me you want it. Let everyone know what you want.”

Oh. So, it was that. That’s what he wanted. And if I didn’t…I wasn’t going to subject Mike to any more pain than he was already in. I sighed trying to blank out, trying to put myself in that place where I could get the words out. Where I was doing it for him. Doing it to protect him.

“F…,” I started before having to sigh heavily and restart, trying to make my voice steadier, “Fuck me, Daddy.”

“Yeah,” he asked me before shoving his tongue in my mouth when I opened it to answer my body started to respond to what he was doing, the way he was grinding his body against mine, the way he was trying to force my legs to wrap around his waist. The way he was pinching and grabbing at my hips.

It took everything in me to keep myself from tensing up as he pushed into me. As he started working his way into my body. I grabbed the headboard next to Mike. Mike who had his eyes closed as Da…that poor kid. That…the sight making me want to scream to tell Da I would do whatever he and Zac wanted if they let him go Zac learning forward the shift in pressure inside of him causing Mike’s eyes to snap open.

“You hear that baby,” Zac said licking up the side of Mike’s cheek, “he likes it. You should like it. You should…” he started thrusting Mike’s eyes going wide in pain.

I remember my body being that small. It hadn’t been that long ago how especially if Da didn’t…if he didn’t stretch me out it hurt. Made everything feel like it wanted out as something pressed in, ripped into me.

“Say it, honey. Let me know what you want,” Da whispered to me before he moved squatting over me before he used his knees to pump himself in and out of me like a jackhammer. Hard, hard enough it felt like I…like he was stealing my breath.

“I want your cock…I…w…” I barely managed before I felt someone moving, I thought it was just Zac until I managed to open my eyes and look over Matt kissing Da as he leaned up against my side.

I was not ok with this. I was no having a threesome with Matt and my Da. I wasn’t going to…they…

“His lips look slightly purple,” Peter commented from somewhere in the room, “Does he have an inhaler?”

“He does I just don’t know where it is,” Da mentioned, “However his brother has…yep, that’s it. Ok honey, you need to breathe in…”

Someone shoved an inhaler in my face. My chest had been feeling tight but, I mostly thought it was anxiety my little brother getting that close to whatever was going on in my anal cavity, not a comforting thought.

“Matt dear, you need to back off Daddy is busy right now,” Da muttered as he rubbed my small of my back someone administering the inhaler to me as I held my breath.

“Can I try it?” Matty asked.

“Try what?” Da asked sighing as he apparently understood, “Your dick is smaller than his there’s no way he’d even feel it. Are you really that…?”

“Hey, Matt, why don’t you and I move over there and we’ll have some fun?” Zac said, “Let Mike rest for a while?”

“Can I be on top? I like being on top. It feels better,” Matty said Da ramming into me hard like hearing them talk about it was exciting. Was arousing him even more than what he was doing to me.

“Connor, have you noticed that he’s kind of…?” Peter grabbed me lightly making even Da go still.

“Yes, I’ve noticed he’s maturing. I honestly think it’s kind of cute,” Da said my heart nearly stopping as I realized what they were talking about even though Da kept going kept raping me.

“That is probably a problem for someone we know though,” Peter said.

“Oh, we’ve talked about. He’s transitioning already. Everything is set up so no need to worry about it,” Da said.

They were talking about my body. My genitals and how I was developing. The very small thin hairs that were starting to develop all over my body. I had only had a few when I had come back from Montana, but it seemed like they were multiplying fairly quickly.  
“That’s a shame. I would love to take over for Lionel,” Peter said.

No. I couldn’t…I couldn’t do…

“Honey,” Da said leaning in behind me pushing in deeper as he bit and kissed the nape of my neck, “Don’t worry about it ok?”

I sighed trying to keep breathing as I heard moaning behind me, Matty. Matty having sex with Zac. My stomach wanting to throw up. Trying to climb up my throat as I thought about it. How that was my nine-year-old brother? The sound of my nine-year-old brother moaning as someone did to him what Da was doing to me.

“Why aren’t you coming honey?” he asked me.

Why wasn’t I cumming? Maybe because two strange men I had never met before were watching me. Not the mention one of them wasn’t anywhere to be seen. I was being raped by my Da while listening to my brother make obscene sounds as some other guy did the same thing to him and Mike was gagged and restrained next to me in what looked like a terribly uncomfortable position after he himself had just been raped and he wanted to know why I wasn’t cumming? Maybe because my Da was a psychopath?

“How is the older one doing in that department?” Peter asked him suddenly, “Swartzman likes them with a little fluff from what I understand.”

Was he serious? Did he want to talk about John too? What was wrong with this guy? It wasn’t enough he had to watch Mike, Matt and I get raped he had to talk about John and John’s body too?

“Oh, actually around the same developmentally. I don’t know why. This one it just hit him earlier,” Da said before slowing down and rolling me over onto my side as he smiled at me, “Why don’t we try this honey?” he asked me.

I’d been in that position before and whatever he had been looking for a not finding from behind he found my whole body going stiff as he made a grunting sound, “Relax, honey, relax its ok.”

“You like that, huh baby boy?” Peter asked me gently pushing the hair off my face that was starting to stick to my forehead.

“Careful now, you don’t want to make Lionel Jealous,” Da said sounding amused as he slowly started thrusting into me from the new angle he was using.

“It’s just his head. I’m not making him do anything. I’m hardly touching him. You’re the one doing all the work,” Peter commented.

I felt like my nerves were being set on fire with that cold tickling feeling and I must have made a sound letting them know that as I tried my best to keep breathing because Peter laughed as he continued to stroke my hair.

“I think he’s fighting it, Daddy,” Peter muttered as I closed my eyes.

“Will, you’re supposed to be showing them the right way. Why don’t you tell Mike here how it feels? How good it feels. Tell him what you want me to do to you,” Da muttered as that wet squelching sound started to get louder as Da added more lube to what we were doing, “Come on honey, tell him.”

“F…fuck…me,” I moaned before letting out a wordless hum.

Honestly, at that point, I felt like he’d been in there for hours. The last thing I wanted him to do was to keep going. My insides were starting to feel raw from all the activity he was subjecting me to. Most of it was something he didn’t even seem to be paying attention to. He seemed more interested in talking to Peter about me, us than actually raping me.

I felt my eyes go wide as he connected with my prostate, 1, 2, 3 times in row everything feeling tighter making me moan wordlessly. My body feeling hot. I knew what was happening and, I didn’t want it happening while listening to Matt do that with someone. I didn’t want to orgasm while Peter ran his hands through my hair and my Da fucked me. I didn’t want my body to respond to them the way it was responding.

“That’s it, honey, tell me you want it. I know you want to cum. I’ll help you cum if you’re a good boy. Tell me what you want,” Da said hitting that spot and making my eyes start flickering putting my body right on the edge making it hard to breathe.

“I want…I want…,” I said my brain spacing out losing focus.

“Tell me you want me to cum inside you,” he whispered into my ear sending a shiver down my spine.

“Co…cum in….in…,” I managed before my eyes rolled my whole body contracting around his as I reached orgasm the feeling of needing to pee, needing to release finally hitting me as I exploded all over the bed and probably a little bit on Peter who was sitting on the edge of the bed in front of me.

“That’s my good boy, my little cock slut,” Da whispered before kissing my cheek, “He loves Daddy’s cock.”

With that, he got up smacking my ass lightly almost in an affectionate way before walking away into the bathroom. I remember collapsing or feeling like I was going to. I mean I was already laying down so there wasn’t much collapsing to do. My legs felt like jello my whole body shaking as I tried to get my bearings again.

Peter just stared at me, continuing to run his hand through my hair. I wanted him to stop touching me. I hadn’t wanted either of them to touch me in the first place but, it was weird. Having his run his hands through my hair as my Da raped me. Weird, to feel his hand on my scalp sending a slight tingling aftershock down my spine repeatedly as I kept my eyes closed afraid of seeing the look on his face if I opened them.

“I bet it’s sweet,” he muttered more to himself than anyone else, “Are you a sweet boy? Tasty?” he asked me making me freeze.

I heard Da laugh as the bathroom door opened, “I’m not sure he’d take kindly to you stealing his juice.”

“I wouldn’t dare,” Peter said, “He barely likes it though. I’m not sure he really appreciates it.”

“He seems to appreciate it enough. He showed me how he harvests it. You do realize he drinks it in his coffee instead of using creamer, right?” Da said.

“He’s done that for a very long time,” Peter said as he continued to run his hand through my hair.

“Honey, why don’t you spread your legs and lay on your back?” Da asked me.

What? Was he…? I wanted to say no but I knew it would just me in trouble and might get me or someone else injured if I said no. I bit my bottom lip in anxiety and did as I was told afraid of what was going to happen. If he was going to rape me again or maybe let Peter rape me or something else. He rubbed my knees up and down like he was trying to get me to relax before he sighed heavily, and I heard him squirt something from a tube my body tensing waiting for the sensation of his touch but there wasn’t one. Not at first.

“Honey, open your eyes, you’re ok,” Da told me as I took a deep breath only to have the wind knocked out of me. He was holding a dildo or peg. The one Lionel had given me to wear at night. The one that neither he nor Uncle Ben had been making me use and I was thankful that they weren’t. Da smiling at me, “He really wants you to start using this. If you don’t I imagine you’re going to be sore at some point so…we’re going to use it. Just relax,” he warned me as he started pushing it into me.

It was painful. Probably because when Lionel had given it to me it had been after he had…they all had raped me. After my body had some give for the object which it no longer had. The feeling of it stabbing me in the bowels undeniably painful.

“I know it’s uncomfortable,” Da said patting my hip, “But it will help, and you will be thankful later, trust me.” He said before giving me a kiss, “If I were you I’d pull on my clothes and upstairs shortly.”

With that Da and Peter left the room. They left before I could ask about Mike and Matt. Matt who had gone quiet. When I looked over at Mike I discovered he was somehow sleeping, his arms still connected tightly to the headboard so that he was almost suspended from his arms the ball gag still tightly in his mouth. Even sleeping he looked like he was in pain. I had no idea what he had done but, I didn’t want to leave him like that. 

I didn’t care if I got in trouble I would take the beating. The only thing they could do was whip me again, rape me again. Maybe then I would get a day or two off school. School where I was forced to jack off Wallace. School where people hated me for being his boy, for being…I sighed standing up and wiping hard at my eyes in case he woke up pain shooting up my back and through my gut as I stood up trying to walk with the dildo or plug up my ass every step making me want to scream.

“It’s ok, pal,” I muttered leaning forward and kissing his forehead as I looked at the shackles that were holding him to the headboard. They were padded leather cuffs that looped and then locked with small padlocks. Both of them were closed and locked. I sighed I didn’t have the key. That made impossible for me to free to him. 

I couldn’t free him. Not without the key. I looked around the room and noticed that Zac was still there curled around Matt who as allowing Zac to hold him. They were both sleeping soundly. If only I had something, anything sharp or I could find the key. Anything. He didn’t deserve to be like that. I sighed feeling the back of his head.

I sighed in relief at least I could help him a little bit. The gag was buckled but, it wasn’t locked closed. I loosened it his eyes snapping open as I did so causing me to put my finger to my lips meaning he had to be quiet, that he shouldn’t speak. He nodded his head as I undid it slowly managing to work the ball out of his mouth. He looked tired, beyond sore.

“Are you ok?” I barely dared to whisper.

He shook his head at me almost like he was afraid to speak, afraid that if he said something he might cry as he finally closed his mouth for the first time in hours. He looked tired. Like he had given up.

“That’s all I can do. The cuffs are locked. I’m sorry Pal,” I whispered, “Do you need some water? Anything?”

“Can…can you …,” He squeaked his eyes going wide as he realized he had made a loud sound.

“Clean you?” I asked him.

I nodded my head. There was a washcloth in the bathroom. I knew there was. They didn’t always shower when they were doing stuff like that but wiped themselves off. I walked quietly into the bathroom and sure enough, hanging over the facet of the sink was a used washcloth covered in lite pink. A mixture of seamen and blood and it was probably his, the cloth still damp.

“It’s cold. I don’t want to wake him up ok? So…” I started to explain but he nodded his head.

It was probably the first time I had wiped Mike off like that. I mean, did I sometimes help mum change his pull-ups when he was two or so? Yeah, sure all the time when they were potty training but that was probably the first time I had ever done that for him, usually that was something I did for James. Him hiccupping softly as the cold cloth touched his skin and I started wiping away some of the dried blood and other fluids that were stuck to his skin. He looked raw. Painfully raw. The sight making me feel like my throat was closing.

It looked almost like someone has taken their nails and scratched at his entrance, at his butt cheeks and his thighs or like maybe someone had dragged him across a hard-concrete floor on his bare bottom. The whole thing making me wonder what they had done to him before Da had dragged me away from James. Making me wonder if I had been awake if I had been paying closer attention if maybe he wouldn’t be nearly as hurt as he was as I finished wiping him up.

“I’m sorry, pal,” I whispered quietly, “If I knew where the keys were, I’d let you go. Do you want me to stay?”

He shook his head. I didn’t want to leave him like that but, I honestly couldn’t blame him for not wanting me to be there. Not wanting me to sit there with him and be there when Zac woke up. Be there to listen to Matt and Zac and…I looked at Mike and he tried to shrug his shoulders wincing in pain. 

“I’ll talk to Da about letting you sta…”

He cut me off, “I’m staying home,” he said sounding sure, “I can’t sit. Just go. I’ll be fine.”

“Mike,” I said, “Let me he…”

“You have helped. Now go,” he said sighing and closing his eyes.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head as I limped forward wincing myself as the dildo stabbed my insides. I pulled the blanket up over him, so he wouldn’t get cold, “I love you.”

“I love you too Willy,” he said keeping his eyes closed.

I remember it taking me forever to get upstairs. Having to stop and stand there for a few minutes every couple of steps on my way to the lift because I couldn’t comfortably lay or sit down. Not really. I knew I wouldn’t be able to. Not with that thing inside of me that I was sure I wasn’t allowed to take out, at least not until morning.  
I somehow managed to make it to bed and by then I had almost gotten used to the feeling. I don’t know how but, I managed to fall asleep hoping that maybe if I was lucky Da wouldn’t make me go to school.


	66. Chapter 66

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will is hassled Monday morning before he even makes it into the school building. Wallace intervenes making Will feel anxious about what he will want in return. He learns about an upcoming Villa party that seems to have everyone on edge while he learns how changing and gym and showering is going to work for boy involved in the brotherhood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1674 to 1713 **Warnings: talk of rape, anxiety, mental health issues, dissociation, bullying, molestation, sexual harassment** A lot of school stuff going on here. **John POV part 2 Chapter 23**

Sadly, I didn’t get to ask him that morning if he was ok. My door flying open after I had gotten little to no rest Debbie’s voice waking me, “Will? What are you doing here? You have to leave for the bus in like five minutes!” she said looking at me.

I shot up and managed to stumble around my room and remove the plug and then get most of my uniform on as I ran out to the bus. Da would not have been happy having to drive me to school and it would have taken Debbie an hour to get everyone in the car to drop me off so I was basically left to scramble for the school bus my vest and blazer in my hand while my tie was draped around the back of my neck. A couple people laughing out right as I barely made it to the bus before he closed the door.

“Running late the morning?” The bus driver asked me.

“Thank you for waiting,” I said nodding my head.

“Glad you made it. Take a seat,” he said shutting the door.

I went and sat down as I finished doing up my shirt and sliding my vest over my head.

“Your morning fuck run a little late?” I heard someone spit at me.

I didn’t say anything as I finished getting dressed a couple people muttering amongst themselves as I put my clothes on wondering why it was such a big deal I almost missed the bus. I knew what it looked like to some of the brotherhood kids but, I couldn’t help that. I had fallen asleep after being raped that night. After watching my little brothers get raped. I had fallen asleep in little to no clothing with a plug up my ass after collapsing upstairs in my bed.

The last thing I cared about was someone who thought I was undressed because I was running late for that reason. Lionel wasn’t even at my house. None of them had been when I woke up. I hadn’t run into any cars on the way down the driveway. There wasn’t any point in fighting with Danny about it though. There wasn’t any point in fighting at all. Not when it was a Monday, not when it was a day I couldn’t win.

He kept making comments. Loud enough for everyone to hear as I tried my best to ignore what was happening. Some of the things he said I’m sure were reported by non-brotherhood kids. I was doing fine ignoring him until he started getting graphic. Shouting things across the bus once he moved to sit in the seat on the other side of the aisle and continued to taunt me.

“Why are you hugging yourself like that? Can’t spend one second without someone holding you while they fuck you? You miss Daddy that much huh, Daddy’s little boy slut loves taking it up the ass. Such a slut he can’t even wake up without begging for some? Did you like it? Did you like your Daddy giving it to you hard? I bet your one of those sluts that likes having their hair pulled on…”

By the time the bus stopped, I was nearly crying. Not understanding why no one was stopping him or telling him to shut up. That he wasn’t being funny. That he was being gross and…No one bothered to say a thing. Not even the bus driver.

I ran past everyone. I didn’t want to …I just didn’t know what to do running to the nearest bathroom almost running into someone on my way into it.

“Will? What’s wrong?” I heard his voice causing me to shake, “Will, I’m serious what’s…”

“Hey Sl…,” I heard Danny’s voice falter as he came into the bathroom behind me.

Wallace’s head bobbed between me and Danny. I didn’t bother to look at Danny but, I could see the wheels turning his Wal’s head as he frowned, his frown deepening with every second.

“Were you just going to call him a slut?” Wallace asked Danny.

“No,” Danny lied.

“Don’t be fucking stupid,” Wallace said, “You open your mouth, no, you know what? You even look at him again I will make sure Headmaster Watson knows you’re walking around calling people sluts. If people, ask questions about what you’re saying you know how much trouble you’re going to be in? So much no one will be able to help you. I will repeat that No one will be able to help you. So, you keep your mouth shut before they stuff it with something you aren’t going to like, kid.”

Danny didn’t even say anything his complexion going almost gray as he turned around and walked out the bathroom door. It was nice to see someone tell him off but, at the same time I felt…weak, stupid. It had been Wallace. Wallace who I hadn’t know was there. Wallace defending me four days after he had made me…my face flushing as I thought about it.

“Don’t worry about it,” he told me smiling and shrugging and his shoulders, “Are you ok?”

I nodded my head not sure what to say but hoping he wasn’t going to touch me. Going to tell me I owed him. That I…my face turning an even deeper shade of red.  
“I know what…later, ok?” he said looking at me and smiling, his smile making me sick as he waved at me, “I’ll see you later beautiful.”

Great. Great. So now because I couldn’t speak because I was nervous he thought that…no. No. Immediately I wanted to go home. No that wasn’t…I didn’t want to. How could he…I bit into the sleeve of my blazer and slammed one of the stalls shut locking it. Why? Why couldn’t any of it just stop? I just needed it to stop. God, please, please just make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop…

I was so tired of all of it. All the time. I didn’t want to live in the world I was living in anymore as I tried to fold in on myself, make myself as small as possible. I didn’t want to be a slut. I didn’t want to be his harem boy or his slut. I didn’t want to be my Da’s slut. I didn’t want to be anyone’s slut anymore. I wanted to.

“Will?” I heard quietly just barely audible over the bell that was ringing making me hold my breath. Making me go still.

“It’s ok,” I heard another voice say almost as quiet, “It’s just us. You can come out.”

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to talk to them. Not when I felt like everything was falling apart and all that they would see was some loser, some…slut. Some slut that couldn’t hold his shit together because last night he’d watch his little brother sleep with some guy. Have sex with some guy because he’d been encouraged to do so by his Da, brainwashed by his Da from before he could walk and talk to believe that was ok.

Because he was afraid of what was going to happen when his own contract traded him in for a newer model, a newer model that happened to be one of his younger brothers. A slut that felt like he was failing in every way possible because he couldn’t protect anyone from anything, not even himself from a guy that was closer to his age than any handler would ever be. That’s all I was, was a slut. Wallace certainly thought so, Danny thought so, and who knew who else?

“Will, come on,” I heard Todd say again, “It’s ok. He’s gone.”

“Yeah,” Finn said, “You think I’d let you come out here with that asshole still here?”

I shook my head even though they couldn’t see it. I didn’t want to come out. I wanted to go home. My day had just started, and it already felt like half the school thought I had slept with my Da that morning. The other half was just waiting for Wallace to drape his arm around my shoulder, to look at me like that and pretend they didn’t see it. That they didn’t know. It was humiliating. My life was humiliating and then I had to…I felt like I couldn’t.

“Will,” Todd said again, “It’s ok.”

I shook my head. It wasn’t ok. None of it was ok anymore. I couldn’t do it anymore I…there wasn’t any way out. Not really. There never would be.

“Will you don’t come out I’m grabbing Teddy and he will crawl under the stall and come get you,” Finn warned me, “Don’t think I’m lying either. He’s the smallest besides you. I will totally go get him.”

“Will at least say something. That way we know you’re ok,” Todd said.

I heard someone sigh heavily, “I’m going…” I looked to see Finn trying to duck under the stall him giving me sheepish smile as he managed to get halfway into the stall with me, “Hi.”

“Hi,” I said quietly.

“Are you ok, man?” he asked me as he leaned on the dirty floor next to my feet, “Aww man, it’s ok. You’re ok.”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to do this today. I had failed at everything. My whole life was one big fucking failure. I couldn’t protect anyone from anything let alone…

“Ok, can you like stand on the toilet for a second here? I mean I care about you but, I don’t know what has been tracked on this floor and…thank you,” Finn said as I unlocked the stall door letting it swing open, so he could get up, “Come on. It’s ok.” He hugged as I buried my face in his shoulder trying to stop myself from crying.

“Oh geeze,” Todd muttered coming over and patting my shoulder in comfort, “Is this about what Danny said? The things he was shouting as you walked away from him?”

“He’s…,” I felt Finn shake his head, “It’s ok Will. You want one of us to go get John?”

I shook my head. John had enough shit to worry about. He didn’t need to worry about me too. The last thing he needed to worry about was me and what a fucking loser slut I was.

“Hey,” Todd said, “Anyone says anything else today we’ll kick their asses, ok? You don’t have to deal with this shit alone. I’m pretty sure Danny has gotten himself into a world of trouble, to begin with. It’s going to be ok, man. You’ll be fine, you’ll see.”

“It’s ok to have a bad day,” Finn whispered in my ear, “Everyone has bad days.”

“Everyone knows,” I muttered shaking my head, “Everyone knows.”

“Knows what? Knows…ok,” Finn said, “Listen 1/3 of the school is going to think Danny has lost his fucking mind. 1/3 is going to talk about it behind your back but be too chicken shit to say anything to your face and the other 3rd is going to know fucking better than to ever say anything about it to anyone even if they do know. So, you shouldn’t worry about it, ok? You’ll be ok.”

“I just want to go home,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t want to be here today I jus…”

“From what Teddy told me last night on the phone home is the last place any of us want to be this week, trust me,” Todd said something about his tone of voice causing me to look up.

He looked like he was on the verge of having his own break down him shaking his head, “Trust me, you don’t want to be home this week. You want to avoid being home as much as possible.”

“What do you know?” Finn asked him.

“I’m not supposed to say anything,” Todd said shaking his head.

“No, you brought it up. What do you know?” Finn insisted.

“Party weekend starting Friday,” Todd said.

Finn’s mouth nearly hit the ground. I remember what a party weekend was. I had seen Jai. Jai the last time there was a Villa party. Shoonji and talking about our brothers. The make-up. Everything. My brain suddenly going from panic and hypervigilant to numb. Completely and totally numb.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Finn grumbled his voice breaking slightly as the words came out.

“I wish,” Todd said shrugging his shoulders, “No one is supposed to know yet. Teddy said it’s some fucking foreign piece of shit coming around for some reason. It’s for him. That is has something to do with him and some markings. New school year, new inductions.”

That couldn’t be true. Everyone was going to the movies. Everyone was celebrating Finn’s birthday. Everyone but me but, he couldn’t do that. Not to Finn. Not…

“I could call him,” I said trying to think on my feet, “Maybe if …if I’m…I’m good he’ll…he’ll change it. Maybe if JU…”

“NO!” Finn said loud enough to make me jump, “no. You’re not doing that. Not for some stupid fucking movie. And if it’s true there’s no use in trying to stop it anyway. They plan those parties for months before they have them. Nothing is going to stop it from happening. Trust me.”

“He’s right,” Todd said, “We just have to suck it up and deal with it. I haven’t heard any details. Teddy didn’t tell me that much about it. No use worrying about it today though.”

“What’s happening today?” I barely dared to ask.

“Well,” Finn said giving me a small smile, “We’re keeping a very close on and a very important friend today. Because everyone has bad days and he needs some help.”

I felt myself blushing. I wasn’t special. I was nothing. I wasn’t anything but what they wanted me to be, he wanted me to be. Danny was right, I was a slut. His slut. Their …

“Aww, it’s ok,” Finn said as I felt myself tearing up again and I shook my head.

“I need to pull it together,” I muttered, “It’s not abuse if it doesn’t hurt.”

Todd frowned deeply at me, very deeply. So deeply I almost thought he was mad at me for a minute before he spoke.

“Who told you that bullshit?” Todd asked me, “That is the biggest load of fucking bullshit I have ever heard in my life. It’s all abuse. All of it. There’s no excuse for it. There’s no excuse for what I hear every night. There’s no excuse for having to hear those screams every night and I don’t care what the fuck they say it hurts. When your body is that small, and your body isn’t very big, it all fucking hurts.”

“Wow,” Finn said, “Something happen last night Todd?”

Todd shook his head. Apparently, it was his turn to freak out but instead of crying he was getting angry. He sighed as he rolled his neck from side to side cracking his knuckles, “I’m ok. I’m fine. Don’t listen to them though, ok Will? It’s all abuse.”  
I didn’t know what else to say so I just nodded my head in agreement. When they shoved the peg, or dildo or whatever you wanted to call it, that was abuse. When they whipped me that was abuse. What they had done to Mike the night before that was abuse. But, maybe…maybe the rest of it really wasn’t.

It wasn’t always comfortable, and it wasn’t something I wanted but, it wasn’t painful. Sometimes it was…something else. That tickle that kept building and building to an indescribable level before it just…hit this point where nothing else mattered. Where the only thing that mattered was that tickle and you...your body, chasing it. Chasing it and trying to push it away all at once. Like chasing a piece of your soul as is was ripped away from you only to realize it was a piece of your soul that was never yours in the first place. A feeling that once it was gone left you with an intense burning or an emptiness.

The bell rang Finn finally letting me go and patting my shoulder, “Are you good?”

I nodded my head. I wasn’t good. I was sick. I hated myself. I hated that I couldn’t save Mike the night before, that I hadn’t been brave enough to save myself, to tell Da no instead of saying what he wanted me to. Thinking that maybe it was so easy for them to make me say those things because it was true. Because It was something that I knew deep down I wanted. That Danny was right, they were all right.

“Ok, let’s go before we’re late,” Finn told me as we walked out of the bathroom Teddy stopping as he heard us behind him waiting for us to catch up.

“Everyone ok?” he asked us.

“Yeah, just a bad day apparently,” Finn summarized, “Just keep an eye out and an ear open?”

“You got it,” Teddy said, “So, did you get all of your worksheets done for reading last week?”

“I think so,” I answered, “Why?”

“Because I might need to copy one. There was a lot going on this weekend. Just like stupid shit,” Teddy muttered.

“I’m not sure we’re allowed to…,” I started to explain.

“Chill, I’m trying to distract you,” Teddy smiled like he was about to start laughing, “Don’t worry about it. My work is done.”

“Are you ok?” I asked him.

“Not…, Like there’s a lot going on I’m just not going to discuss right now,” Teddy said pursing his lips like he was thinking, “I think that we should try to concentrate on keeping our minds off all of that stuff for today. For as much as possible.”

“You’re lucky if you can do that,” I said as we sat down in class.

I don’t remember much of what happened that morning even though I noticed Danny wasn’t there. The time ticking down almost like a bomb as I waited to head to the library. To Wallace. As I waited to head toward whatever he was planning to do to do me.

Just the way he had talked earlier after he had gotten Danny to leave me alone made me think he was going to make me do something or at the very least try to. That was something I didn’t want to do. It was bad enough he had made me touch him. Bad enough that I was sure Todd knew about it even if no one else did. I didn’t want to do something like that again.

Even with that, I still felt like I owed him. And maybe when he told Danny to leave me alone that’s what he was counting on. The feeling that I would owe him something for helping me, protecting me. The closer I got to the library the more anxious I felt until I stepped through the door.

“Hey,” Finn said giving me a small smile, “You ok?”

I nodded my head. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be ok. I was such a loser, but it was easier to just say that I was than try to explain any of that. The Seniors slowly filing over to their mentees and talking to them about whatever the plan was for that day. I wanted to stay as close to Finn or Todd as possible but, I knew that wouldn’t work. He’d want me alone. Even if he didn’t try anything he usually wanted us to be alone.

“Hey,” Wallace said smiling brightly as Finn watched from where he was standing with C-Dan, “I was thinking we’d go to the stacks. Sit and talk for a while I worked on my bilio. Does that seem ok?”

“I kind of want to…” I sighed, “Can we work at a table?”

“Sure,” he said frowning slightly, “I would think you would want to work someplace quiet though. Considering everything that kid said. Everyone is going to be talking about it.”

I hadn’t heard most of what Dan said after we got off the bus. I was in such a hurry to get away from him I hadn’t been paying attention. I doubted if Todd and Finn heard anything they would have told me what he had said, and Quinn was too nice to tell me as well. That left only Teddy who I wouldn’t see until lunch. Lunch where everyone would be staring at me wondering if what Danny had said was true, whispering about whatever he had said. Which left only one person who would tell me. 

“Do you know what he said?” Wallace asked me.

I shook my head, “I just wanted to get away.”

Wallace gave me a sympathetic smile, “I can understand that. I can fill you in if you want. I think you’d rather I did that someplace more secluded though. Like the stacks probably. So…do you want to sit at a table? Are you sure about that? I mean it’s completely up to you but, he said some not so nice things and sometimes you’re very emotive. You have enough things going on without people making fun of you because something upsets you.”

I nodded my head, “I’ll go to the stacks.”

I didn’t want to but, he was right. If Danny really said some of the stuff he was saying on the bus loud enough for everyone to hear I needed to know. I needed to know if the school thought I was fucking my Da. I mean, I was but that didn’t mean the whole school needed to know that. Wallace’s smile grew as I agreed, and I started walking with him toward the stacks.

He was keeping his distance even if he was staring at me but, he usually stared at me. Did it make me beyond uncomfortable, yeah but, I was getting used to it. Used to him like I had eventually gotten used to Lionel. Wallace plopping down on the floor and pulling his books out of his school tote that we were supposed to use indoors instead of a book bag if we had a lot of books to carry with us.

“So, what did he say?” I asked him.

“You really didn’t hear anything he said?” Wallace asked me looking up from where he was taking his books out.

“I told you I was trying to get away from him,” I answered.

“Well, he said that you were …not so nicely so sexually active you couldn’t even have your clothes all the way on before you got on the bus and then he inferred that you went to the park every weekend and waited by the bathrooms so that you could…”

I was done. I didn’t want to hear any more. I turned and went into the bathroom like I usually did to collect myself. None of that was true. I didn’t really leave the house. I wasn’t supposed to. Lionel had made that very clear to me. I didn’t do things without his permission, I didn’t talk to people without his permission. I didn’t breathe without his…

Wallace entered, “I didn’t realize it would upset you that much. I was thinking only a little bit. The stuff he said got the headmasters attention. I’m pretty sure he’s suspended if it makes you feel better.”

“It doesn’t,” I said, “I slept late. That’s all it was it wasn’t because I was doing anything wrong I just slept late.”

“I figured,” Wallace said, “It happens to everyone. It’s not a big deal. You seem like you have a lot going on right now.”

I shrugged my shoulders. I did but, why did he care? He was one of my problems. One of the things “going on” so talking to him wouldn’t help me any. I knew that.

“If you had a friend in your situation what would you tell him?” he asked me.

“I don’t know,” I sighed trying to think about it, “That it was ok to be upset because it’s a lot to deal with. That it’s…”

“Not his fault?” Wallace finished my sentence, “It’s not. It’s not your fault. That kid is jealous. Because you’re smart and attractive. He’s mad because he feels like he’s getting the short end of the deal. Between you and me a lot of guys in your grade have an issue with you because you’re that smart. You’re setting grading curves. You know what that is?”

“Of course, I know what that is,” I told him.

“Look, The leader talks to my dad a lot. Vater knows a lot of math stuff and he’s in the computer systems at school sometimes for different things. According to him, you have a 4.05 GPA. That’s better than straight A’s Will. You should have been skipped another grade. You don’t just set the curve, you are the curve. That’s on your own, without any altering of your grades.” Wallace told me.

“He’s had my grades altered?” I asked feeling sick to my stomach.

I tried hard. Sometimes not hard enough but my grades were one thing I thought I was controlling. One thing that I had the ability to effect and…he was having them altered? Lionel was having my grades messed with? Why? What was the reason for that?  
“No,” Wallace said shaking his head, “He doesn’t have to. That’s what I’m telling you. He doesn’t have to. If he had to he would but, there’s no reason for him too. You are the curve in your grade.”

“But if I didn’t get all A’s? Would he do it then? Would he change my grade if it wasn’t all A’s?” I asked feeling sick to my stomach.

“Only to help you,” Wallace said putting his hand on my shoulder making me jump back, “Hey! Calm, I’m not hurting you ok? You’re fine. You’re…” he reached forward grabbing my shoulder again starting to lean forward into my face.

I wasn’t supposed to tell him no. I knew I wasn’t supposed to tell him no. I didn’t want to though. I didn’t…

“Wwwallace please,” I begged my whole body feeling hot and not in a good way. The last thing I wanted was for him to kiss me. To make me …he sighed backing up.

“You owe me though,” he said blinking at me like he thought I was stupid, “I kept that guy from probably beating you up. I thought you’d be thankful. All I want is a kiss. I could ask for more. I really want more but, I think we should take it slow. That and I’m not supposed to go under your clothes and technically your lips aren’t under your clothes. Just like what we did last time wasn’t under your clothes even if it was under mine. That’s not what I’m interested in right now though.”

I had backed myself into the wall. I didn’t know what to say to that. I knew he was going to pull that card. Say that I owed him something for helping me out even though I hadn’t asked for him to help. And I wasn’t supposed to say no. I wasn’t supposed to say no because it wasn’t abuse. Because Lionel was allowing it. Because I belonged to Lionel and he was the one who said who could touch me. Because my body was his, it wasn’t mine.

“Do you want to know why I want just a kiss?” he asked me barely above a whisper, “Because it says a lot about a person. If they’re a good kisser. The way their lips tastes. If their mouth is sweet, it means other things are sweet. I think you’re sweet, so I just want to see. Are you sweet, baby? Can you be sweet for me?”

No. I didn’t want to be sweet. Not like that. Wallace watching my expression my panic before he sighed heavily.

“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “I don’t want to scare you so maybe not that, ok?”

I didn’t know what to say. Should I be grateful that he wasn’t forcing me to kiss him? What did he want instead? Was there…

“Look,” he said, “I know you’re nervous you tend to just seem nervous in general and I want this to be…I don’t want to hurt you. That’s not the relationship I want with you. So, maybe we should slow down? So, you can feel more comfortable, ok? Just promise me you won’t go around kissing anyone else.”

What? What I hadn’t…he made it sound like we were dating. We weren’t dating. We couldn’t date. I was his, I was…

“I’m his,” I said shaking my head confused.

“For now,” he agreed nodding his head, “Not forever. You’re getting older. He doesn’t like older boys. He’s picked your next contract and he likes me. He says he thinks I have a good head for business and I’m going to be going to UFL next fall. He wants me to do an internship with Stone lord for my undergrad and then onto Harvard for my MA in business management. Hopefully. So, I’ll be close to home for a while. At least a year or two.”

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked him.

“Oh,” he said smiling, “He hasn’t told you?”

I shook my head. I hadn’t seen him since school started. I mean that didn’t mean anything but, still why would he tell me anything about…anything? According to Da, all that stuff was between him and Da. What he could do to me. What other people could do to me.

“Well, he always picks his boys next contract. They always get one right away to protect them because Lionel has a lot of power. So, he makes sure they are safe by handpicking their next contract. Vater showed some interest and I showed more. I can’t have a real contract yet because I’m a tracker but if my Dad agrees I can sub-contract you. And I want to,” Wallace told me, “So in March when your contract with…”

I ran into the stall. No, he had to be fucking kidding me. He had to be joking. I didn’t want another contract. I didn’t want the one I had. I especially didn’t want one with Wallace. Wallace who had…my stomach completely rejecting the idea in a very violent way.

“Are you ok?” he asked me as I threw up into the toilet in front of me. I didn’t even have time to get down on my knees the reaction was so sudden.

I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t do it. Wallace? Wallace? I coul…

“Do you need to go see the nurse?” he asked me, “Like you looked out of it the morning but, I didn’t think you were sick. Let’s get you…” he leaned in to touch my shoulder.

I shook my head violently. He needed to back up. I couldn’t deal with him at that moment. Knowing that in a couple of months it would be. That I would be in the same situation I was in now only we’d be naked, and he’d be…I couldn’t do it.

“I can’t do this,” I muttered more to myself than to him, “I need to…I need to go…”

“Yeah, let me walk you to the…”

“No,” I shook my head, “I need to get away from…don't.” I barely managed.

At first, I thought he was going to let me pass but then he stood in front of the door, “You need to calm down. Is that why you threw up? Not because you’re sick but because you don’t want me as your contract holder?” he asked his voice nearly a hiss.

I didn’t know what to say. It was so many things. It wasn’t just him it was Danny, it was Lionel, it was Da…it was Matty it was…

“You find me that disgusting the thought of being with me made you throw up?” he asked me his voice still a hiss.

What was I supposed to say? He wasn’t going to…not under my clothes. He had to stay above my clothes.

“It’s not you,” I said shaking my head, “it’s not you I just…I don’t feel well. I’m sorry.”

“You swear?” he asked me sounding a little bit more relaxed.

“I promise. It’s not you. I’m having a bad day,” I admitted.

“Because of that fucking little prick? What’s his name?” Wallace asked me.

“Danny,” I muttered.

“He’ll pay,” Wallace said, “I’ll talk to Lionel, ok? It won’t be a problem anymore.”

“It’s ok,” I said shaking my head.

“No, it’s not baby,” he said shaking his head, “No one picks on you. No one. Ok?”

I nodded my head. I just wanted to leave the bathroom. I didn’t honestly care what he was saying at that point I just wanted out of the bathroom. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was afraid of what he was going to do. I was afraid of everything. Someone trying to walk in and hitting Wallace in the back with the door.

“Kannst du Arschloch bewegen?” I heard Finn mutter from the other side of the door. (Can you move asshole?)

“How did you know it was me?” Wallace asked him.

“Ich kenne keine anderen Kinderschänder, die diese Schule besuchen und mutig genug sind, etwas in der Schule zu versuchen. Now, let me in I have to pee,” Finn said (I do not know any other child molesters who attend this school and are brave enough to try something at school.)

“Did you seriously just call me that? Because if you did you can piss your pants,” Wallace said.

“No one understood!” Finn muttered, “Und du sagst, du bist stolz darauf, ein Liebhaber von Jungen zu sein.” (And you say you are proud to be a boy lover.)

“Fine come in here,” Wallace said moving aside, “Du weißt nicht, ob jemand deutsch spricht oder nicht. Also musst du auf deinen Mund achten, bevor ich etwas zwinge, das du nicht magst. Ich bin mir sicher, dass C-Dan kein Problem damit haben würde, seinen Schwanz hineinzustopfen, während ich ihn offen halte, wenn du deinen verdammten Mund laufen lassen willst. You got it?” (You do not know if someone speaks German or not. So, you must watch your mouth before I force something in it you do not like. I'm sure C-Dan would have no problem stuffing his dick in while I keep it open if you want to run your fucking mouth.)

“Yeah, I got it,” Finn said, “Now can you leave so I can pee in peace?”

“What about him?” Wallace asked looking at me.

“He is probably dying to get away from you. Leave him alone. He looks like he’s about to blow chunks,” Finn said.

“He just did,” Wallace told him.

“Really? Will are y…”

“I’m fine!” I lied, “I’m fine ok? None of this is something I feel like doing right now.”

“Why don’t you...”

“I was trying to leave in the first place,” I said Wallace frowning at me suddenly and grabbing my forearm hard.

“Stop it,” he warned me, “You want to behave like a little boy I will treat you like one. Do you understand? Finn, don’t you say a fucking thing.” He jerked hard on my arm squeezing, “Do you?”

“Yes,” I managed.

“Good,” he said, “Now how about we go sit for a while. You can just relax, calm down.”

I nodded my head looking at Finn who had gone stone still and quiet. Who just waited before Wallace half dragged me out half escorted me out of the bathroom his hand still on my arm as we walked back to the stacks. Him not letting go until he was on the ground sitting down pulling on me slightly forcing me to sit down as well.

“Are you ok now?” he asked me.

“Wh…”

“Don’t,” Wallace warned me, “I might be patient, but I don’t always have the patience of a saint. So, you need to stop. You don’t tell me what to do, I tell you. Do you understand?”

What was going on? Why was he being so mean all the sudden? Why had Finn stopped arguing with him and just let him walk away when he was pulling on me like that? Was Wallace really that dangerous?

He sighed heavily opening up his books, “Don’t interrupt me while I’m talking. It’s a pet peeve I have. Only little kids who don’t know better do that. You just did it twice back there. Civilized people use their manners and wait until someone else is done speaking before they speak. If you aren’t sure whether I’m done speaking or not raise your hand.”

“Ok, I’m sorry,” I told him.

“Thank you,” he said, “Now this Danny guy has he done anything like this before?” he asked me.

“He calls me Harem boy,” I answered.

“Well,” Wallace said smiling even though he didn’t look up from his book, “He’s creative. I’ll talk with Lionel. We’ll take care of it. No one is going to make fun of you.”

He didn’t look at me, but his hand moved from my arm to my hand the feeling of his fingers sliding down my sleeve making my skin crawl. I felt I had no choice. I’d made him angry enough he had scared Finn. He had grabbed me. He had probably bruised my arm he had grabbed me that hard. 

“I’m not going to hurt you,” he muttered still not looking up probably reading my body language the way my whole body tensed as he entwined his fingers with mine. I wasn’t sure what he expected me to do. Was it even ok for him to be holding my hand? What if someone saw? What if… and I didn’t want him holding my hand.

“What if someone sees?” I asked quietly.

“Baby, anyone who walks back here is probably brotherhood anyway. The most they are going to say is I’m sweet on you and I am. So, just chill. What are you supposed to be working on?” he asked me.

Honestly, I felt I was working pretty hard at trying not to have a panic attack but, I had never seen Finn react that way to Wallace before. Sure, he said Wallace could be scary, could be violent but, I hadn’t pictured him being like that. Grabbing me like that. Maybe that’s why Finn had decided to freeze too because he also wasn’t expecting it but, it was weird. The idea that he could just sit on me and pin me down that much more apparent to me as he held my hand loosely and made me sit by him.

“Why don’t you use your inhaler? You sound like you’re gasping a little bit. Like you’re having trouble breathing.” He mentioned dropping my hand finally.

I was. My anxiety was making my chest feel slightly tight. Not to the point where I couldn’t breathe but more to the point where breathing was uncomfortable. I didn’t want to feel his skin on mine even if it was just his hand. I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. I just wanted to leave and get as far away as possible. I wanted the day to be over, so I could go home. Not that I wanted to be home either. Honestly, I just wanted to be away from Wallace.

I wanted to be away from everyone. The whole thing just sucked. I sighed heavily using my inhaler my chest loosening slowly as I decided I needed another dose. I used it again Wallace looking up and watching me.

“Are you ok? I’ve never seen you use it twice in a row like that,” he commented.

“Bad day,” I said dismissively.

I mean there wasn’t a lot to talk about. My brother was back. John. John was back. Today he was…he’d help me. If I let him he’d help me. He’d at least help me feel better about what was happening at home even if he couldn’t help me with anything else. I was no longer alone. At least not in that respect.

For some reason that made it easier. Just thinking about the fact that when I got home he would be there. He’d be there for the first time in what felt like forever. Even if mum wasn’t home, he would be. The thought making me sigh in relief. Making me smile.

“You have a nice smile,” Wallace commented before he frowned, “Don’t stop. It was nice. You’re really sexy when you smile.”

That made my stomach hurt. I didn’t want to be sexy. Not to him, not to anyone. The idea that Friday was coming making my stomach hurt that much more. That even if the rumor about what was going to happen wasn’t true, the party, I was still his. He was still going to show up and…

“It’s ok,” Wallace said reaching for my hand as I sat there frozen trying not to think about it, my chest feeling tight again.

And I wasn’t allowed to pull away. I wasn’t allowed to tell him no. My brain flashing to this weird waking nightmare. Wallace, Wallace on top of me. Wallace in the stacks as he was, his hands going to my hands, his hands on my body his…

“You need to breathe,” Wallace told me rubbing the back of my hand slowly with his thumb, “I’m not going to hurt you. I told you I’d give a break last week, remember?”

He had but then he had tried to kiss me. That wasn’t a break. He was holding my hand. That wasn’t a break. All I could do was nod my head as my mouth felt dry. As my stomach felt like I was going to be sick. I knew I couldn’t pull away, that I wasn’t supposed to pull away. That I was stuck.

I don’t know how I managed to stay calm, but I did. My whole body shaking as he sat there and held my hand for the rest of the hour. My brain running 100 miles a minute as I felt like I was panicking inside. I might have seemed calm, but my mind was racing, and it felt like in the middle of the strongest hurricane. Everything rushing by me and then being blown away. 

When the bell rang he smiled at me before he looked around making sure no one was nearby and then kissed the back of my hand before dropping it, “I’ll see you later ok baby?” he asked me.

I couldn’t move. I remember feeling like I couldn’t move. I don’t know how long I sat there but apparently long enough I was supposed to be at lunch. A group of people apparently coming in at one point someone walking back into the area I was in and noticing me. He squinted at me.

I saw him. I just wasn’t sure what to think of him. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t feel safe moving him coming closer causing my heart to start racing slightly as he looked at me.

“I know you,” he said as he came closer, “You know Cole. I met you.”

I realized he was Asian. There weren’t many Asian guys that I knew. It was Tosh, Cole’s boyfriend. I mean I still didn’t “know” him. Not really and wasn’t sure what to do him sighing as he looked at me before he muttered something under his breath.  
“It’s ok. I won’t hurt you. I don’t hurt people. Do you need help? Are you supposed to be here? What is your name again? I’m Tosh if you don’t remember me.”

He was talking a mile a minute. I wasn’t sure what to think. It reminded me of Ted a little bit only worse. The way he was rocking back and forth on his heels helping me conclude that he was probably on something. I didn’t know what it was but, it was something. 

“Do you not speak? Am I speaking too fast? I’m sorry, I’m not meaning to speak too fast for you it’s just well…honestly, I’m supposed to be over in the computer lab, but I needed a book about aviation and it’s in this area. References and all of that. Are you even in the upper school? I didn’t think you were in the upper school yet, I mean Cole told me you were smart but, I didn’t think you were that smart. Are you ok?” he stopped looking at me as I continued to stare at him.

“Will are you…there you are,” Teddy said appearing out of nowhere, “Apparently my announcement has everyone on edge for some reason. A…Tosh?” Teddy said frowning heavily.

“I know you! Hi, Teddy, how are you?” Tosh asked.

“I’m all right. How are you?” he asked.

“Good, I’m good. I have to look for a book on aviation and I think it’s over here somewhere I found him just sitting on the ground here staring at nothing. Do you know him?”

“Yes,” Teddy said, “We actually have lunch now so…come on Will.”

With that, he came up to me. I felt weird. I think I was in shock. Shocked that I hadn’t freaked out. Or maybe I was half disassociated because I don’t remember moving until Teddy grabbed my hand helping me up.

“It’s ok Will. I’ve got you,” he said nodding at me, “You’re doing your thing, can you like…”

I nodded my head, “Sorry. I just…I feel weird.”

“Weird how?” Teddy asked me.

“Weird,” I repeated, “I don’t know what’s wrong, but I feel…I feel weird.”

“You can’t put a name on it though?” he asked me.

I shook my head as we walked through the doors out into the hallway. Him stopping me, “If you could explain it I might be able to help. Can you try to explain how it feels?”

“Like nothing is real. Like everything is just a giant…it’s not real,” I said.

“Have you been feeling really anxious?” Teddy asked to which I nodded my head, “Ok. We need to go to the nurse because you’re probably very close to freaking out again. And I’d rather not deal with that. Have you been under a lot of stress lately? When my mom is stressed she drinks like a fucking fish. She says it keeps her from losing her mind.”

“I don’t think I’m losing my mind I think…I’m dreaming,” I said looking at him.

It did feel like I was dreaming. I didn’t understand why but the more I looked around the more it felt like everything was a dream. Life couldn’t be this horrible. It just couldn’t. Maybe we had never left London. Maybe I was in a coma. Life couldn’t be like this. I couldn’t be like this. This couldn’t be my life. This wasn’t my life.

“Ok,” Teddy said, “Do I need to pinch you? Do you think that would help?”

I nodded my head not sure what else I could do other than…

“If I’m dreaming I should be able to fly,” I said running for the B stairwell as I heard Teddy swear.

The B stairwell had the roof hatch. It was probably locked but if I could fly that meant that everything was ok. Maybe I was in a coma somewhere but, that meant none of it was real. That James was safe. That I hadn’t hurt anyone. That John hadn’t tried to kill himself that mum was ok. That…

“Will,” Teddy said grabbing me and swinging me around before he hit my cheek hard causing a sharp sting to pulse through my face, “You need to stop. You need to think. If this was a dream why are you at school with me? Wouldn’t you rather be somewhere else?”

“Yeah,” I answered.

“Are you starting to feel better?” he asked me.

“I think so?”

It was a weird feeling like I was walking around in a fog. Like I was…well, dreaming. Like nothing was real. I wasn’t even sure I was real. Nothing seemed real at all. At the time I didn’t know what it was, just that things felt wrong. That something was wrong Teddy sighing heavily as he looked at me.

“Look maybe you just need some food? We’ll go eat ok? You want to hold my hand or anything like that?”

“No,” I said, “He was holding my hand and it was heavy. It fel…”

“Who was?” he asked me.

“Wallace and it just felt heavy so…”

“Ok, look at me,” Teddy said causing my eyes to meet his, “You cannot fly. You are overly stressed. That’s what this is. This is real. You’re real and you’re here with me. Got it?”

I nodded my head and he sighed in relief.

“Food might help. So, we’re going to go eat. It’s chicken taco day,” Teddy said, “You liked those last year when you were around. You ate them all the time.”

“Yeah, I did,” I said, “They are really good especially with the little containers of soured cream.”

“It’s not soured it’s sour…sour cream my man,” Teddy correct me.

“Why does it matter? At home, we said it soured cream, so I’ll keep calling it that,” I said starting to feel better, more grounded, “A lot of words are different. Over there we have maths. They aren’t all one thing. Here you just call them all Math.”

“Because it is all math,” Teddy said shaking his head but smiling, “Language is funny like that though. I mean here we don’t have nappies. We call them diapers.”

“Why though?” I asked him.

“I don’t know,” he said shrugging his shoulders, “I’ve never really thought about it. I mean we all wear them at one point, some of us more than at one point…”

“Eww,” I said frowning, “I’m past nappies, thank you.”

“Yeah well so am I obviously. But some old people use them when they get like super old,” Teddy told me.

I mean I’d heard of incontinence, I knew what it was but for some reason, I remember it struck me as funny and gross all at once, “Kill me before I end up in nappies again.”

Teddy smiled, “You look like you’re about to laugh. Can you imagine those hairy ass balls just like dangling down into someone’s own piss and shit? The shit getting stuck in the hair. I mean think about it. Wouldn’t that be the best vengeance seeing all of them in diapers begging us to wipe their asses?”

“I don’t want to go near those things now let alone when they are covered in their piss and shit. It’s bad enough when they are covered in mine,” I said.

“Ok…,” Teddy trailed off looking at me, “Who exactly…I’ve never been done so hard that my shit was on their balls. On their dick maybe but not their balls.”

I felt my face turn red, “I didn’t mean like…”

“Oh!” Teddy said, “Sorry. You ok? You look like you might need a second before we get in line.”

I nodded my head. I was mostly ok. I just didn’t want to think about…that. I was tired of thinking about that. I wanted to think about something normal, be normal but all I felt was that spinning around me. The same actions with different people, a carousel of rotating faces, their faces.

“Ok let’s change the topic back to food if we can?” Teddy asked me making me frown, “What? Not a good topic?”

“We were just talking about shit. I don’t want to think of food and shit at the same time,” I said.

“Then don’t,” Teddy said, “Stop take a deep breath. Now think of …what’s your favorite candy?”

“Polos,” I answered.

“I haven’t heard them called that since I went to Italy when I was seven,” Teddy muttered, “Ok well think of Polos. The fruity roundness melting in your mouth.”

“The time Matty stuck one in my hair,” I said frowning at the memory.

I had been probably around 8 and Matty had been 6 or 7 and he had decided he was mad at me. I can’t remember what for. He had decided to take a bright red polo and stick it in my hair. It immediately got stuck too. Not only did it get stuck in my hair which mum pulled out with a big clump of my hair but, it also strained my hair red in that one spot for a couple of days. One of my friends had asked me if I was turning ginger like John because of it. 

“No, think about what it tastes like and good stuff. Matty sticking it in your hair isn’t a good thought. To me, it sounds kind of…sticky. No sticky stuff un…fuck,” Teddy said, “Never mind. I give up. I giv…”

“It’s ok. I understand where you’re trying to go,” I said, “Finn is right though. Every time you open your mouth it leads back to that.”

“I know,” Teddy said, “It’s a lame superpower. One that really doesn’t help anyone because it’s so fucking depressing. But anyway, aren’t you hungry now?”

“No,” I shook my head smiling, being honest, “Now I just want a polo.”

“I’ll go buy some from the vending machine ok?” Teddy said.

“Really? You’d do that for me?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he said giving me a smile, “Of course I would.”

“Thank you,” I said as we joined the lunch line.

“It’s nothing. You’re my friend. Like for real. Sometimes I think you don’t believe that but, you are. It’s not just because of…all of that. It’s because you’re a nice guy,” Teddy told me.

“I don’t think so,” I said.

“Well you are,” Teddy told me as we made it up to the lunch counter and I grabbed a tray with two tacos and some Spanish rice on it.

I had to admit it looked good. It looked so good I almost wanted to eat in while standing in the line. Usually, I wasn’t one to behave like that but, I figured it was a dream so, why not? Why not just chow down before they marked me as receiving lunch?

“What are you doing kiddo?” The lunch lady asked frowning at me as I grabbed a bottle of soda from the cooler near the end of the line a bite full of taco in my mouth. Teddy said me a tight-lipped smile before turning to the lunch lady.

“He’s just really hungry today and he really likes the taco’s,” Teddy told her, “Sorry about that.”

“It’s ok dears, he’s McGregor, right?” she asked my food suddenly turning to cardboard in my mouth. 

How did she know who I was? How did…

“Yeah, you’re here every day so I’m sure you learn faces after a while. Can you guess who I am?” he asked her.

“Theodor Larkin,” she said, “My boy is in your grade. Jason.”

“I know Jason,” Teddy said smiling.

I knew Jason too. They weren’t associated with the brotherhood my brain relaxing as Teddy shot me a small look. A look that told me that conversation was more for me than it was for her or him. So, I would hear it before I had a panic attack before I associated her knowing who I was with that, with the brotherhood and all those things.

I nodded my head and smiled before swallowing, “Thank you, Mrs. Beck,” I muttered remembering Jason’s last name.

“You’re welcome,” she told me, “Enjoy the rest of your day.”

Once we were out of earshot Teddy slowed down so I could match his pace, “You ok?”

“Yeah,” I said, “I feel…”

“Weird still?” He asked me.

“No, like I just got punched in the face,” I answered.

“So, you don’t feel like you’re dreaming anymore?” he asked me.

“No, not anymore,” I confirmed.

“Good,” Teddy said, “Sorry it took you being startled to get there but, that’s good. Ok well, you sit, and I’ll go grab some Polo’s like I said I would. Finn you want to walk with me for a second?” Teddy said giving Finn a look as he dug into his own rice.

“Huh, sure?” Finn said getting up and walking away with Teddy.

“Hey,” Todd said, “I thought you were right behind us when we left the library. What happened? We went looking for you in the bathroom and stuff but couldn’t find you and figured we’d find you here.”

“The stacks,” I said shrugging my shoulders Todd’s face almost going gray as he looked at me.

“Are you ok?” he asked me.

“I think so. I feel …is this a dream?” I muttered, “I want it to be a dream.”

“Ok,” Todd said, “You probably just need more food. Do you want my soda? I notice you have a sprite. Cola might make you feel a little better. Give you a caffeine boost.”

“I don’t know,” I said, “Teddy’s getting me Polo’s.”

“What are Polo’s?” Todd asked me frowning.

“Lifesavers I think they call them here,” I answered.

“Oh man those are awesome,” Todd told me, “Rick prefers starbursts. If it were up to him he’d have some with every meal. Dad doesn’t let us keep candy in the house unless something is going on and then it’s like a bribe he uses on Rick.”

“Everyone has their bribes,” Quinn said, “I mean like everyone. Me when I was that size it was hostess cupcakes. Ricky, it’s KitKat Ryder likes just straight up Hershey bars.”

“That doesn’t ever throw you two off?” I asked.

“What?” they said in unison.

“That your brothers have the same name and are around the same age,” I answered.

“Not really. I mean Ricky is older than Rick by like a year I think it is and he doesn’t go to school. Rick is in kindergarten here, isn’t he Quinn?” Todd asked.

“Yeah,” Todd said, “He’s six. I mean it’s a little strange they have the same name but not too much that and Quinn calls him Ricky more often than Rick, so I don’t think anyone really gets confused about it unless they don’t know that we both have a little Rick at home we take care of.”

“Hey,” Finn said sitting down, “Teddy wanted to ask you something Todd, you want to go over there? I think he’s getting candy for everyone.”

“Why?” Todd frowned at him, “I don’t ne…”

“Just go and tell him that then,” Finn said, “So I got to see Timber and Bob this weekend. That was fun.”

“Did you ride them?” I asked.

I missed having things like that, horses like we had while we were at boarding school. Things that I could do outside that didn’t involve worrying about who could or couldn’t see my body. Being able to ride bikes up and down the driveway, all those sorts of things we hadn’t really gotten the chance to do especially since we had come home.

“Yeah, actually I went out twice on Saturday with Timber. It was really relaxing. I don’t know where Wallace was but, Vati didn’t make me stay home and listen to whatever was going on while he talked to a couple different people. He said he wanted me out of the house so, Wallace drove me out to the stables where we’re boarding them for right now and then Vati came and picked me up around like 6. I was there pretty much all day. It was so nice to be on my own outside though I…”

“Excuse me. I’m going to go see where my candy is,” Quinn said getting up from his seat and walking over to where Teddy and Todd were standing. 

They looked like they were having a deep conversation. Like they were talking about something important off to the side of the vending machines instead of in front of them. It made me feel slightly offended that Teddy had something to tell them but, whatever it was he was excluding me. My brain figuring it was one of those things. Just more proof that I was just a pity case. Someone everyone felt sorry for and wasn’t really friends with my chest hurting a little bit as I watched them talk and Finn took a bite of his food.

“It’s nothing,” he said noticing where my eyes were, “Don’t worry about it, ok? You’ve got enough to worry about.”

“What does that mean?” I asked him.

“We’ve all noticed you’re stressed ok? It’s not a big deal. I mean we’re all stressed,” Finn said.

“I’m not that stressed,” I answered.

“I didn’t mean to imply that you were, I just…it’s about this weekend ok?” he told me.

“That thing Todd mentioned earlier?” I asked him to which Finn nodded his head, “Why doesn’t he want me to know about it?”

“You think he’s trying to hide it from you?” Finn asked giving me a small smile, “If he is he’s not doing a very good job. He probably just figures you’re not going. I mean you are…you know.” Finn finished.

I sighed. Yeah, I was his that didn’t mean I wouldn’t be at the party. Da said I was supposed to be entertainment at some type of party. How did I know this wasn’t it? That this wasn’t the party they were talking about. That Peter Ford had come over to the house for. That this was the party he had “interviewed me” for. 

“Just because I’m his that doesn’t mean I’m not going. I’m getting too old,” I said Finn’s face falling.

“You don’t seem too old,” he told me.

“I was told I am,” I insisted.

It was because I was growing. That I had hit puberty earlier than most boys did. That I had hair and could ejaculate. That basically I had run out of time. Maybe that was a part of the reason Lionel was moving so quickly with everything where it seemed with everyone else he had taken more time. 

I wasn’t about to ask Teddy about his body. About all that stuff but, it made sense. Da said that Lionel knew about it. My hair and of course he would he got pretty close to me down there I thought making my face go red. His face in my crotch his hands…  
“Will, breathe, where are we?”

“C-cafeteria,” I managed my whole body shaking.

“What’s happening?” Finn asked me.

“We’…we’re talking,” I managed.

“Do you need to squeeze something?” he asked me to which I nodded my head.

“Ok, come here,” he said coming over and sitting on the bench next to me hugging me and letting me grip him back tightly, “It’s ok. You’re ok.”

“Why…why do…”

“It happens to everyone. Trust me, it’s ok. You’re not the only one. You just learn how to hide it better the longer you’re in. You’re ok. None of them are here,” Finn tried to comfort me.

It hurt. It hurt not being able to hold my shit together. Not being able to behave normally. My brain flashing to what Lionel and Da would say. That it wasn’t abuse. That what they did wasn’t abuse so I needed to quit behaving like it was.

“I’m ok,” I said pushing Finn away after a couple of seconds.

“You’re sure?” he asked me.

“Yeah, just…a lot …you know,” I said.

“Yeah, if you’re not ok though you can tell us. You know that, right?” Finn asked me.

“I know,” I said nodding my head.

Teddy and Todd wandered back over along with Quinn all three of them giving me weird little smiles as they did so. Me figuring they had probably seen Finn hug me or something as they looked at me.

“I wish I knew more about this, guys but, that’s everything I know,” Teddy muttered.

“You guys didn’t have to walk away you know?” I told them.

“Sorry I ju…” Teddy started.

“I know about the party. Todd mentioned it earlier,” I said.

“Oh, we just weren’t sure if it would upset you or not,” Quinn said, “I mean you might not even be going, more than likely I mean…,”

“I’m going,” I said certain of it even though I hadn’t heard anything one way or the other, “I’m going to be there. Face it guys he doesn’t care, ok?”

Everyone sighed and looked at Teddy, “What? Don’t look at me,” he said eating some of his fries, “Seriously, don’t look at me.”

“Well, does he care?” Finn asked, voicing the one thing no one else was daring to.

“How should…look, if I knew anything about it, either way, I would be telling Will personally before I discussed it with anyone else. I might be a spazz but…”

“He’s right,” Todd interrupted, “He’s a loyal spazz.”

“Thank you,” Teddy said nodding his head.

“So, you don’t know either way if he’s fallen out of favor?” Quinn asked.

“Woah!” Teddy said looking at Quinn and shaking his head, “That’s between that A and his B and I’m not putting myself in the middle there and you shouldn’t be asking. That’s just like any other…” Teddy lowered his voice so only we could easily hear, “Contract. And we don’t talk about that. Especially not here and especially not that one.”

“You asked me what was up with that earlier,” Quinn said frowning, “Sorry I asked.”

“That was me asking you if YOU were ok,” Teddy said, “Not in front of a table full of people either. There’s a difference.”

“It’s ok Ted,” I said.

I knew he was defending me because he knew it wasn’t something I cared to talk about. Did I think I had fallen out of favor? With everything Peter Ford had said the night before and everything else going on, yeah. I believed I had. That didn’t mean he was done with me though, just that he was ready to move our relationship to the next stage. The stage where I trained my replacement. That’s all it meant until he said otherwise.

“Will that…”

“I said it’s ok,” I insisted looking at Teddy, “Do I think I have? Yes, I do ok? It explains a lot of stuff going on right now and don’t ask what, please. But otherwise, I have no idea what any of it means. I feel like I’m going crazy I feel like…”

Finn grabbed my hand on the table top and squeezed it, “You don’t have to explain anything Will, ok? Don’t worry about it.”

“He’s right,” Quinn said, “I was being an asshole, I’m sorry. “

“Yeah,” Todd said, “We’re here. Don’t worry about it, ok?”

I nodded my head. I wasn’t sure they really cared. Maybe they were trying to shut me up because they didn’t want to hear about it at all. Maybe it was that they just felt sorry for me but not sorry enough because they were afraid I was going to mention something gross. Something about Lionel they didn’t want to know.

I gave them a small smile sitting there and listening to them talk around me waiting for the bell to ring. When it was time to go to gym I didn’t even really wait for Todd and Quinn but kind of just left going to gym and changing. We had gotten our locks earlier the first week of school and uniforms were in, sports equipment had been picked out and so it was our first official day where we changed into our uniforms Todd coming into our row of lockers shortly after I pulled my pants on.

“You left fast,” Todd mentioned taking his shirt off.

“I just…,” I shrugged my shoulders pulling my shirt off, “I was done eating.”

“You went quiet,” he said.

“There wasn’t anything left to talk about,” I told him.

There really wasn’t. They had wanted me to shut up so, I had. They didn’t care that my brain felt like a hamster stuck on a wheel that couldn’t get off. They didn’t care that my brother was the next one on his sick list. I bent over riffling through my locker.

“What the hell happened?!” Todd asked me.

“Wh…oh!” I said feeling my face heat up, “They were mad at me.”

“What the hell for? You never step out of line. Not eve…”

“I do,” I said, “I do. I just…there’s a lot going on.”

“And …we all made you feel like you can’t talk about it,” Todd said nodding his head more to himself than to me, “I’m sorry. We didn…”

“It’s fine. No one cares, it’s fine,” I muttered.

“That’s not true. I know Finn cares. And I care. I care a lot, Will. We all do,” he told me.

“Don’t,” I said shaking my head as I finished pulling my shirt down.

“Don’t what?” he asked me as I looked over.

His whole face was crinkled with a frown. His eyes almost…almost like the light that was usually there had dulled somehow. Like he knew. He knew why I said it my throat feeling tight as my mouth went dry before I looked away. Not able to look him in the face as I said it.

“Don’t care. Maybe I’m not…I’m not worth caring about,” I said cringing as I waited for the explosion. For him to yell at me and prove me wrong.

“IF we didn’t care…why would we try to change the topic every time you seem uncomfortable?” he asked me, “If we didn’t care why would I have…” he trailed off, “Told you about all…”

Great now he thought I was the one who didn’t care. He had. He had told me about Julian before he had told anyone else. What Julian had to done to him. Julian who we had this class with. Great. I was a fucking moron.

“I’m sorry Todd,” I said feeling like I was about to cry, “I’m sorry I’m an idiot I ju…”

“You’re not,” he said shaking his head, “I wouldn’t think about it either if…I mean you just pointed out you’re stressed all the time. We all know how Wallace treats you. How they all treat you. It’s not your fault that maybe it…”

“No, I only see Wallace 3 times a week. You see him every day,” I pointed out, “Why is he not over here right now?”

“Well, I have a feeling Quinn might be holding him off. Quinn’s locker is by his and if Teddy and Quinn are good at anything it’s…we’ve all known each other for a very long time. Teddy, I don’t picture him being calm about it at all though. Quinn will be calm. When I tell him he’ll still manage to be calm.”

“You realize he already knows?” I asked him to which he nodded my heads.

“That’s different from…from admitting it though,” he said.

That I could agree with. It was different putting a word to it. That word. Not saying it didn’t mean Quinn didn’t know though. Didn’t have any idea about what Julian had done. From the way Quinn had acted on Friday, I had a very good idea that Quinn beyond understood.

“Yeah, it is. You…,” I sighed trying to figure out to word it.

“I what?” he asked me.

“You didn’t tell anyone about what you saw,” I said.

“Oh. That,” Todd said, “I figured if you want to talk about it, you would.” 

He sat down next to me on the bench giving me his full attention. Maybe he really did care. I sighed getting ready to say it.

“I told Finn what happened. He asked me if I was mad at him for…for being his brother. It makes it weird sometimes. Knowing that his…Li…the leader, his friend came to the house yesterday…” I covered my face with my hands as I felt my heart starting to race my eyes starting to sting as I tried not to cry.

“It’s ok. Take your time,” He told me.

“It’s…I’m not supposed to talk about it,” I told him shrugging my shoulders.

“I’m not going to tell anyone,” Todd tried to assure me.

“They said I’m…I’m too developed I guess. Da told him he’s already …he does this thing. It’s bad. Both Teddy and Cole told me there would more time but, there’s not. And I don’t…I don’t know what to do. About any of it.” I tried to explain.

“I’m not sure I understand,” Todd said quietly.

“Wallace told me that when he decides it’s…when it’s done. That he’s letting …w…”

“Use your inhaler,” Todd said standing up, “Will, you’re panting. You need your inhaler. Is it in your blazer?”

I nodded my head feeling how heavy my chest was. He was right, I needed my inhaler him reaching down and throwing things out of my gym locker until he finally got to my blazer that was hanging up pulling my inhaler out of my pocket and handing it to me. I took it him rubbing my back as we waited for my medicine to kick in, for my chest to loosen so I could breathe again.

“I can’t imagine being able to deal with that. Asthma like that,” he said looking at me.

“I didn’t use to. Dr. Palmer said it’s stress triggered. And I’m…”

“Always stressed,” Todd said as I nodded my head, “We should tell Mr. Brian and Father Everstein you just had an attack.”

“No,” I shook my head, “I don’t want to sit out. I don’t want to have to watch everyone else do whatever it is we’re doing and not participate. I want to try to be normal.”

“Are you sure?” he asked me as one of them blew the whistle which was our last call to get our asses out and in formation on the gym floor.

“I’m sure,” I said nodding my head, “Thanks.”

With that, we went and lined up for gym sitting on our spots on the floor Mr. Brian walking around with his clipboard taking attendance.

“Ok boys,” Mr. Brian said, “Now today is the first day of gym class and we’re doing something easy and fun. Dodgeball. The rules of dodgeball are simple. You throw the ball at the other team if you hit an opponent they are out. If you catch the ball being thrown the person who threw the ball is out. These blue lines on the floor, don’t pass those blue lines or you are out. I will be splitting you into teams."

I don’t remember all the names called but it was a class of 32 kids meaning there were 16 kids on each team. I was on a team with Todd and Julian and those were the only two I really knew on my team. I remember being out almost immediately. Which considering I was an anxiety-riddled asthmatic isn’t surprising. I remember watching Todd closely though, watching him move around the court and try to avoid Julian who seemed to just be following him around Quinn aiming the ball at Julian head several times and shouting the words “Hey fuck face!” He did that two or three time before he was thrown off the court for I do believe Mr. Brian called it “Unsportsmen like behavior”.

Otherwise, the game seemed to go well for the most part. I wished I had not been taken out of the game within the first few minutes but slowly people piled up against the wall next to me until Mr. Brian blew his whistle.

“Ok boys! Showers, anyone that doesn’t work up the courage to shower by Wednesday will be ceremoniously herded under the water in their gym clothes, so I would grow a pair before then,” he announced with the whistle between his teeth before he blew it again.

Showers. Showe…shit. I couldn’t shower in front of everyone. Get naked and then…no. I couldn’t do that. I could barely change my clothes. I had been mostly isolated by a huge row of lockers since there were only 2 boys to a locker row per class hour and I had still felt beyond naked. I couldn’t do that. I…

Apparently, I wasn’t the only person with shower anxiety a small group gathering around Mr. Brian who seemed slightly annoyed even though he was amused at the same time. Out of the 32 people in class 10 of them were lined up near him causing him to shout.

“You have a personal issue come here and line up! Please stand back behind this yellow line until I wave you forward!” He said.

Great. Lovely. So, everyone would know. Everyone would know. There were people lined up that I knew were brotherhood but others I was surprised to see in the line. Fred and Donny among the faces standing there. I had no idea either of them were brotherhood but, it wasn’t like everyone announced it. I sighed pulling myself together enough to stand there in line with everyone else as Mr. Brian walked off with Danny.

“I didn’t fucking realize every one of them was in this fucking gym class,” I heard Quinn mutter to Fred.

“I didn’t either. You think I knew? Do you think it’s on…”?

“No,” Quinn shook his head, “They better keep their hands to themselves.”

“I…hey. So, you know I guess,” Fred said quietly.

I nodded my head. Why hadn’t he told me? Why hadn’t any of them told me? I knew their names. I knew who they were I just hadn’t realized that they were…brotherhood. Yet, they all knew that I was.

“Look,” Quinn said, “It’s a…”

“For you guys!” I said louder than I had meant to, “Maybe for you guys. I don’t get…” I felt my face burning red with shame. They all knew and yet none of them had told me they were. Other than Quinn, Todd, Julian, and Danny I had no idea. I had seen Brad talking to Julian and Quinn before, so I figured he might have been, but Fred and Donny I honestly had no clue. And I heard Keith’s name a couple of times in conversation, but I didn’t realize it was Keith Sexton.

“What would you have us say, man?” Fred asked me frowning, “I mean seriously. I’m sorry I never said anything, but I figured you wouldn’t want to know. You’ve got enough shit going on.”

“Next!” Mr. Brian said.

“I’m more worried about Keith, Julian, and Danny. You should be more than anyone Julian and Danny fucking hate you,” Fred said.

“No kidding,” I said, “Thanks for that.”

My brain connecting what he was saying. That they were both trackers and both in our class. I sighed looking at Keith. Did that mean Keith was a tracker too? I found that hard to believe.

“Keith’s a tracker?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Quinn said, “He’s a…I’ve never heard of him doing something because he wanted to but that just means he’s probably straight. Doesn’t mean they won’t convince him to try it though. Honestly, if I had to guess who was most at risk it would be you and Todd just because Julian has it out for him.”

“Is that why you kept calling him fuck face?” Fred asked raising an eyebrow at Quinn.

“You mean because his face needs to be fucked up? Yeah,” Quinn said, “I can’t fucking stand him.”

“You really think he wants to give it to Todd?” Fred asked.

“I know he does,” Quinn said.

“I heard him say it,” I commented.

“That’s new,” Fred said, “So what do we do about that?”

“Honestly I’m going to keep calling him fuck face and he even tries to touch him I’m grabbing and twisting. He’ll wish he never had eyes to look at Todd,” Quinn said.

“I honestly don’t see the appeal,” Fred said eyeing Todd, “I mean he does have pretty green eyes but even then, I’d have a hard time…”

“Shut up dude!” Quinn exclaimed causing Fred to laugh.

“I was joking,” Fred said, “he’s so not my type.”

“Good to know?” I questioned.

“And you wonder why we don’t tell you anything? I mean come on, you have to be able to joke about it sometimes,” Fred muttered.

“He does,” Quinn said, “He’s just stressed.”

“I’ll say,” Fred muttered Quinn giving him a warning look and shaking his head.

“You guys really think I’m a suck-up?” I asked Fred.

“Well, you’re kind of…I don’t know. A little bit? I mean you’re 11 and in the 7th grade. You set the curve and for people like Danny who isn’t very good with books and reading and all of that you make life harder. I don’t know if that’s…”

“My Da didn’t even ask me what grade I wanted to be in. You think I wouldn’t rather be back in the 6th grade than dealing with this? Are you kidding me? You know what our other classes are. You think I want to deal with that?” I asked him.

“Why? I got Aaron Pitts as my mentor he’s not brotherhood. You guys have brotherhood mentors?” he asked us.

“Not just brotherhood my friend we each got a fucking tracker,” Quinn told him.

“No kidding?! Shit,” Fred said seeming amused about it, “I’m sorry. That must make life hard. Like, are they all ….”

“Are they all what?” Quinn asked folding his arms in front of himself like he was growing annoyed.

“Like…handsy or…?” Fred trailed off.

“You want to know if they’re trying to feel us up?” Quinn asked his frown deepening, “Eww and kind of.”

“Do they realize this school is attached to a church?” Fred asked.

“Unless they’ve gone retarded I’m going to assume so,” Quinn said as a whistle sounded, and Todd came walking towards us.

“What did he say?” Quinn asked before either Fred nor I could ask.

“That we can use the team showers. They have curtains. It’s like two guys to a stall so we would have to pick a showering partner. Huh, but that means one of us is…”

“You and Will together, ok?” Quinn said.

“But Q that mea…”

“I can take care of myself. You two watch each other’s backs ok?” Quinn insisted.

“I’ll stick with you if that’s ok,” Fred said.

“Yes, thank you,” Quinn said, “So, do we just head off or…”

“I guess so I don’t see it hurting anything,” Todd said as we all headed to the locker room.

We grabbed our clothes and Todd and I carried our stuff going through the door that said, “team sports.” It was a better-kept showering area for those who played sports like football and rugby. All those types of things. It was an insanely nice bathroom area with full-length floor to ceiling lockers and each row had a sport listed on the side. At the back of the room was another door labeled “Showers” in bold black lettering. Father Everstein came through the door behind us sighing.

“Ok boys. This is how this goes; each shower stall has two shower heads. You have a showering buddy. You come back here, strip wash your body only and then redress before you leave for the buses. If you want to once we reach the swimming portion of our class, you can shower in your speedo’s but before that point please try to avoid wearing clothes while in the shower. If you have concerns about your physical condition you can talk to me or Mr. Brian and we’ll address it as needed.

Quinn raised his head Father Everstein clearing his throat, “Yes?”

“What if we have…marks?” Quinn asked.

“You all have a mark, that’s why you’re here,” Father Everstein muttered.

“No, I mean like…whipping kind of?” Quinn clarified.

“Ok, those I’ll put ointment on at the end of your shower. If you have any wounds that need tending let me know and I’ll be sure it’s taken care of. I won’t make you shower today but tomorrow you will all be expected to shower. Is that understood?” he told our small group to which we each nodded our heads, “Good.”

We sighed in relief. So, we didn’t have to get naked, not really. I sighed in relief. This was a locker room where I didn’t have to worry about what anyone was going to say about my body. The bruises and scars because everyone had them. Todd just looking around and deciding because Julian wasn’t there it was a good time to change pulling his shirt over his head.

I remember the locker room being a little harder for me from that point on. Just because it relieved some of the anxiety I had about my own body and the marks on it. How it got a little harder not to look at people while they changed. I wouldn’t have ever considered any of my classmates ugly but when the clothes started coming off I started noticing. Todd sighing heavily as I turned around.

“We’re all guys. If you’re going to that thing you’re going to see me naked anyway by the end of the week,” Todd said as he had apparently glanced over and found my back turned to him as I took my own shirt off.

“What?” I asked him.

“You’ve been to the Villa, right?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I said quietly.

“Well…,” Quinn said chiming in loudly, “When you’re on rotation if you’re not busy you get a robe, right? At a Villa party that doesn’t happen. Remember your marking where everyone was naked? It’s like that. We get blankets but, that’s about it and when you’re on the floor that blanket gets left in the holding room.”

Oh god. Was he serious? I had to be…but what if I…? Sometimes my body did things I didn’t want it to do. That was one of the awkward things about starting puberty earlier than some of my friends. Where they were just starting to grow hair and all that stuff to me it wasn’t new but was still new enough I didn’t have control over it.

My brain freaking out as I thought about it. Being naked in front of everyone. What if I…

“Dude,” I heard someone mutter, “If you pop a boner don’t worry about it. They want you to have one.”

“OK!” Todd shouted back, “NOT HELPING! THANKS THOUGH!”

“Oh, come on,” We heard Julian say as he entered the locker room, “Someone is gun shy? Get over it. I’ve seen the video.”

That felt like being punched. Why would…

“What baby going to cry now?” I heard Danny mock me.

“Get the fuck out of here,” Quinn said coming forward towards them from where in the room he had been, “Go!”

“What are you going to do about it? Like he’s not some crybaby. He cries about everything. Because you know it’s so fucking hard being the leader's little slut.”

“What the actual fuck? Can we just get dressed and leave?” Freddy muttered.

“Yeah, sure Fred. Go,” Danny said.

“You go!” Quinn said again, “I’m serious I don’t want to see your fucking face and I especially don’t want to see yours.” 

Quinn was glaring at Julian ready to hit him his hands clenched at his sides.

“There’s two of us and one of you. Those two aren’t going to fight us,” Danny said.

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” Todd said quietly.

“Oh, your boy has a bit of bite?” Danny said looking at Julian.

“I’m not his boy,” Todd said quietly.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Sounds like a fighter to me. He’s probably more of a squirmier didn’t you say he was?” Danny asked as I noticed Todd’s face go red as he pulled his half-buttoned oxford over his head and grabbed his bag even though he was still wearing his gym shorts.

“I’m going to go,” Todd said walking up to them hoping Danny and Julian would quit blocking the door even though they didn’t move.

“Why don’t you pay the toll?” Danny asked him.

“Dan what are you…?” Julian said sounding confused.

“A kiss,” Danny said, “For him.” Meaning Julian.

Todd froze.

“You fucking didn’t,” Quinn said before he snapped clocking Danny right upside the jaw.

I swear he hit him so hard I heard the impact Danny grabbing Quinn around the neck as he fell into him taking them both the ground.

“Jesus fucking Christ!” Freddy said, “Julian are you looking to get your ass kicked with this clown or are you going to go? Because I strongly suggest you get the fuck out of here now. Before I…JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! STOP IT!” Freddy muttered before kicking Danny in the back a couple of times causing Danny to let go of Quinn’s head gasping for breath, “You want us all to get sent to Watson’s office? Because I personally don’t want to experience that again. Get the fuck out of here!”

Danny stood up cradling his stomach and flipped Quinn the bird before he pulled open the door and left letting it slam behind him. Freddy helping Quinn to his feet as he nursed his nose bleed with his hand.

“I could have finished it!” Quinn muttered, “They are my friends.”

“Yeah, and who is going to the backroom this weekend because he had to defend his friends?” Freddy pointed out.

“That’s my fucking problem now isn’t it!” Quinn hissed.

“You like being whipped and fisted?” Freddy said, “That was more than I ever wanted to know about your sexual habits.”

“You want to get beaten too!” Quinn said, “FUCK this fucking bullshit! Fuck it! Just!” Quinn said punching the side of a locker.

“Q…,” Todd trailed off shaking his head, “Calm.”

“I’m fu…I’m calm,” he said shaking his head, I’m calm. He, they have no right to do that to you…you guys. None. Ok?”

“I’m ok,” Todd said, “Really, I’m ok.”

Oh. Was what I thought. That explained some things. Why it seemed like they kept their distance from each other whenever we were in class or at lunch. They were being careful. Why I hadn’t really heard Todd call Quinn Q, but Finn still did even though it was something they had both done in the past last year. Why Quinn even though he still insisted I was cute had seemed to be less embarrassed about that fact when it was pointed out than he had been last year. Because he had someone. Because they were…

“What?” Todd asked looking at me.

I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head turning away and finished changing my clothes. By the time I was done it was time to leave for the bus Quinn behind me the whole way before he sat down in the seat behind me.

“Hey, can we talk for just a second?” Quinn asked me.

I smiled at him trying to control my laughter even though I nodded my head. They were a thing. They were together. For some reason, I found that funny considering Finn seemed to know more about Todd’s state of affairs than Quinn did.

“Cool,” he said before jumping over the seat and sitting next to me, “So…” he said.

“So…?” I continued.

“You’re observant,” he pointed out.

“Well spotted,” I said causing him to chuckle.

“I …shit,” Quinn said, “This is harder than I thought it would be.”

“Well Danny also rides this bus so if you’re going to say what I think you’re trying to say you should spit it out rather quickly,” I pointed out.

“Ok, right. We’re kind of sort of involved. I mean we both know that we shouldn’t be. But he just…fucking god…this is cruel,” Quinn said, “You can’t tell anyone.”

“My brother, has a friend remember?” I pointed out.

“Right, do you think Freddy noticed?” he asked me.

“I don’t think so. It does explain some stuff,” I said, “I didn’t see anything, I didn’t notice anything, ok?”

“Thank you!” Quinn said sighing in relief, “Thank you!”

“It’s…nothing. You’re my friends. Is that why you and Finn were trying to get Todd to think about…?”

“Yeah, it makes it look not so serious. I mean we’re allowed to bang it’s the emotional attachments they don’t like. It gets in the way of us bonding with our contract holders,” Quinn said frowning as he said the words.

“You haven’t really talked about that,” I told him.

“No, I know I owe you some…I just. It’s weird,” he said quietly.

“It is yes but one thing I hate is everyone else can be secretive about it and me I just…everyone knows. Everyone,” I mumbled.

“His name is Derek. He has mostly throwaways,” Quinn said quietly, “I just…you’ll probably meet him. He likes…one of his bottoms is 11 too.”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head.

It was something Quinn didn’t really talk about. I didn’t blame him for it. Quinn liked to be tough and admitting that he had a contract. Talking about those things. It made him feel weak. Just like it made me feel weak and stupid.

“I didn’t mean you had to talk about it,” I told him quietly.

“It’s ok,” he said.

It clearly wasn’t. It wasn’t something he cared to talk about or needed to. I hadn’t met to upset him the idea that he had shared with me who his contract was making me want to give him something in return. Tell him something I hadn’t told anyone else, I wasn’t sure how to do it though. What to say.

“How common is it for…for people outside of contracts, handlers to you know…with someone else?” I asked him.

“If it’s like a party or something. A private party, yeah. Why?” he asked me shifting his weight so he was looking more directly at me as Danny climbed onto the bus.

“You fucking cunt,” Danny hissed at Quinn.

“Oh, you want another beating?” he asked Danny.

“If they put me tracker duty I’m going to pound your fucking hole with my fist,” Danny warned.

“I’d like to see you get permission for that. Otherwise, guess who is going to end up in the back room. It’s not going to be me. So, I’d be very careful about what threats come out your mouth towards me or anyone else. I tell Teddy you are even…”

“Why the fuck would I be afraid of Teddy? You think he’s going to tell his grandpa?” Danny snickered.

“Oh, I know he fucking will,” Quinn said, “So knock it off before you find yourself underneath someone you don’t like.”

With that, Danny went silent as the bus started driving. I wasn’t sure what to say really the interruption causing me to lose my nerve. So what Leo had done was considered almost normal. Then why did it feel so dirty?

“Are you ok?” Quinn asked me.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

“Look, don’t let him bother you ok? He can’t do anything to you. You’re untouchable. Even more so than I am. You’re safe ok?” Quinn tried to assure me.

“I know. Do you know anything else about what’s going on?” I asked him.

“No,” he said shaking his head, “Teddy didn’t say anything one way or another about it just that it was starting Friday evening after school for most people and that there were going to be a lot of people there because some big shot is coming in for business.”

“Ok,” I said sighing heavily.

So, he didn’t know if it was the reason Peter was there. If it was that party. So that left me to find out. To prepare myself for it, even if I didn’t know what it was.

“I’ll see you later?” I said as the bus stopped outside the house and he smiled and waved at me as I got off.


	67. Chapter 67

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will comes home after a day at school expecting John to be there, momentarily panicking when he finds out he's not home only to be relieved when he finally shows up as they start getting back to "normal". Will decides it's time to find out more about the upcoming party that weekend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1713 to 1740 **Warnings: talking of rape, talking of very young child sexual abuse, anxiety, mental health issues, off script sexual assault** I know this chapter depending on how you look at it is a little late this week even though I gave two last week and no one had anything to say about it besides one person. I realize everyone has lives but, you would think there would be at least a little more feedback (yes, I have a big head now because I'm so used to the comments.) **John's POV part 2 Chapter 23**

I nearly sprinted up the driveway hoping he would be there. So, I could hug him, and then yell at him and love him and tell him everything and anything I could think of that might make him happy and tell him how much Pat had missed him, how much we had all missed him and…the house was silent. Meaning the babies were upstairs. 

I went up in the lift to find Debbie pacing the floor looking at the clock.

“Hey Debbie,” I said, “Where’s …?”

“He wasn’t on the bus with you?” she asked me.

“No,” I shook my head, “He’s not home?”

“No, I thought maybe he missed the bus or he was hanging around until you were done with school. Your Da said he wants you doing homework right after school from now on so he can come and make sure you’re doing it. Apparently Matty hasn’t been turning in his work as he should be.”

“But I don’t have tr…”

“Will,” she said turning to look at me “We keep getting ourselves in trouble. My job is on the line here because you and I seem to heartily agree about things. However, I would like to keep my job because I don’t trust anyone else to at least attempt to take care of these babies beside me and Alice so if you could just please…”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “Ok Debbie. I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok, just do as you're told for right now, ok?” she said to which I nodded my head grabbing my bag and setting it down on the floor as I slid into a seat.

I wondered where John was. Why he wasn’t home if maybe something bad had happened. I hadn’t seen him at school but, he had been at Leo’s house yesterday which meant he would have been dropped off that morning by Leo and should have been riding the bus home. My brain racing as I sat there staring at my math homework before I heard the lift open.

It took everything in me not to jump at him. To not get up and fling myself at him as he walked into the kitchen sighing heavily. I slowly put my pencil down and looked up at him.

“Why weren’t you on the bus?” I asked him quietly hoping that everything was ok.

“I walked home,” he muttered looking at me seeming slightly annoyed like maybe something was wrong.

“Are you ok?” I asked him.

He didn’t bother to answer me just shrugging his shoulders slightly. He didn’t want to say how he was because it wasn’t good. My stomach feeling a little sick as he looked at me and gave me a small smile before he sat down in the chair next to me, “You?” he asked me.

“Well,” I said pausing as I thought about it. Thought about what I should and shouldn’t say trying to gauge his mood by watching his face. If I said too much he might break down. He’d feel as guilty and stupid as I felt if not worse. If I said too little he’d know I was lying, “Do you really want to know what happened while you were gone?” I asked.

“I’m scared to hear,” he answered grabbing the salt shaker and turning it around in a circle slowly as he looked at the table top.

“Well, Da only stopped for the most part because school started,” I answered keeping my voice down as the lift opened again and Alice walked out into the kitchen and to the fridge past us, “I walked in on Mike and Matt the other day downstairs and…it was something that made me want to rip my eyeballs out with a spoon,” I said thinking about what I had seen the night before. How Mike had been tied up most of the evening that one guy doing those things to him while Matt also did things to him before they had gotten up and moved to the other bed leaving Mike restrained where he was.

“James cries all the time. For you and mum, for …” I trailed off, “Da gave me a queen-sized bed. He had two delivered like last week or the week before. Huh, Catty is spending a lot of time in her room by herself. There’s a lot going on. I have a question for you.”

I wanted to know why. How he could have thought anything he was doing would help or if he just hadn’t cared at the time. What he had been thinking about as he had laid in the tub dying. How he could leave me with Lionel, with Da and Uncle Ben. Leave us with them and think we would be ok. If he had thought, we would be better off without him in our world. 

“What?” he asked the word barely audible.

What? What did he mean what? That’s all he had to say about it was what? Not “I know what I did and I’m sorry it was stupid,” but, fucking “what?” Was he kidding me?

“What on earth made you think trying to kill yourself was a good idea? I’m not blaming you for this because I figured this was coming the moment we got back, all of it, but honestly, John? Leaving us here to deal with this pile of shit by ourselves seemed like a good idea to you? No, you, no mum, no one? How does that even seem like a remotely smart idea?” I asked him quietly having to resist the urge to roll my eyes at the dumb look on his face.

“I wasn’t thinking when I did it, ok? I just wanted it to stop,” he admitted to the table top.

“We all want it to stop,” I said shaking my head, “Do you know any of us that like it?”

“No. Will, I know you don’t, ok? Has he raped you four times in one day though? Has he let Uncle Ben…on top of everything? I just didn’t want to feel them anymore, all right? I wasn’t thinking when I did it. I was just thinking I needed a break and that was the only way to get one, and I was wrong. All right? I was very, very wrong. Trust me, I learned my lesson and that is something I will never do again, or if I do I will make sure I don’t fail. You think here is bad? You should try that fucking nightmare they call a hospital. In the end, I begged Leo to let me out,” he told me.

“It happens to me too!” I said clenching my teeth as I tried to not go there, to not go to that place in my head, “It happens to me…when you…he blamed me. He bl…”

“Oh wingman,” John said leaning over and pulling me close to him, “You had nothing to do with it. Nothing, ok? Not even a little bit. It had nothing to do with you I promise. What do you mean he blamed you?”

“He said it was my fault,” I muttered into his shoulder where my head was resting.

“None of it was your fault. Nothing I ever do is your fault, wingman ok? Nothing,” he muttered into my neck, “He’s been that hard on you?”

I nodded my head. I didn’t want to cry but I was so relieved to have him back. It felt like life was falling back into place a little bit. Like I was no longer free floating but, my tether was back, something to anchor me and make me feel grounded.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have. They were horrible to me there. I never want you to go there,” he told me, “Like I said I had to beg Leo to let me out because I couldn’t take it anymore.”

“What do you mean you had to beg him?” I asked quietly.

I had heard Leo talk about it. Agreements some guys that worked at the hospital. I heard Pat talk about it and Cole. To me it sounded scary so why would Leo make him beg? Wouldn’t Leo be worried about those guys hurting him?

“Just trust me. You don’t ever want to go there,” He said into my shoulder before letting me go.

“What’s it like?” I asked quietly wondering if Pat and Cole were telling the full truth when they talked about it or if they had spared me some details in order to protect me.

Pat did that, I had noticed by that point. Didn’t tell me things to keep me from experiencing anxiety about them. Much like how I did the same thing with John. I knew it was Pat’s way of protecting me but, sometimes it didn’t help. Cole never sugar coated anything, he always told the truth and John would try to hide things too just not to the same extent that Pat did.

“It sucks,” he answered simply, “Staff there is just like Hank or Da or whoever it is they have to be to convince you killing yourself is not a good idea. It’s full of people like us. Boys like us and they hate you because you have a five on your hip instead of a one. You don’t have anyone. I was lucky Dom was in there with me and this other guy that actually seemed to understand me but, otherwise I was alone.”

It sounded horrible to me. Beyond horrible. It sounded exactly like Pat had described it. He said if you went there you were going to wish you succeeded in killing yourself and even though John was being Vague that’s what he was making it sound like to me too. It made me wonder what else they did in that place. How mum was because she was in the same place that John was.

“Did you get to see or talk to mum? How is she?” I asked him.

“I saw her. She looked half dead. I didn’t get to talk to her though. Outside of the people there, I got to talk to Da and I was allowed to call Pat once and then talked to him on the phone because Dom called him for me a couple of times,” he answered sounding tired.

What about mum though? Had Da told him anything about mum. About when she was coming back? When she would be home?

“Do you know when she’s coming back?” I asked him bringing the topic back to mum.

“No,” he answered shaking his head, “When she does get back though I don’t expect her to really help. When she saw me, I don’t think she even recognized me.”

What? So, then I was right. When they were talking about all those things in that meeting the one was mum. They had fried her brain. They had fried it so badly she didn’t even know her own son. That scared me. What if when she came back she wasn’t the same person? What if she didn’t recognize any of us? What if she just…no, I couldn’t even think that. I wouldn’t let myself think that.

“So, you were at Leo’s during this weekend?” I asked him changing the topic so I didn’t have to dwell on the condition that mum was in because of Leo and his treatments, because of Da, because of…of him and how it was my fault.

He sighed leaning his elbows on the table before resting his chin in his one hand, “Yeah. It is what it is I guess. Every weekend for the next six months.”

Six months?! Six fucking months? What was…what was he supposed to do about that? And he wasn’t going to be home at all?

“So, every weekend?” I asked him quietly my stomach feeling sick. He had just gotten home, and we had school so now besides a few hours a night he still wasn’t there. 

“Yeah, every weekend,” he muttered, “I know what your…”

“No, you don’t,” I said shaking my head.

He didn’t know what I was thinking. That he was spending every weekend with not just his rapist but one of mine. My brain immediately shutting down the idea of telling him anything about that stuff again. He couldn’t know.

It would only make things so much worse. He’d want to kill himself every Friday just knowing he had to be with someone who had…Especially when he had spent his whole life trying to protect me from it. I had only seen Leo a handful of times and 2 of those times he had made me engage in sexual acts with him. Maybe it…if I just tried to act normal he would never know. If I tried to act like I didn’t know Leo, he would never question it.

“What’s he like?” I asked him his head immediately shifting up as he frowned at me, “I mean I’m not trying to be nosey but, I’ve only seen him like three times and he’s never…not to me.”

John looked at me his frown softening a little bit. His brain probably figuring I was asking because I cared. Because I loved him and wanted him to open up, to make sure I was a part of his world because soon I barely would be. He scooted close to me again and put his arm around my shoulder giving me a side hug as he looked at me.

“He’s bad,” he told me, “I’d rather not talk about it.”

He was like Da. I knew he was like Da. The way they had…

How he had said I felt good almost as good as John. How he had said I had John’s eyes. How he had talked to Uncle Ben asked about breeding me. The thought just making me feel dirty. Making me want to find something sharp and drag it slowly along my skin to let some of the badness out, let out of the stuff about me that made them want me. The idea causing me to sigh heavily as I squeezed my legs together under the table John hugging me close as I tried to relax.

“Is he like Da?” I barely managed to ask my throat feeling tight like I was about to start crying before I had to look away, look at the clock to my left hoping to calm myself down.

“Are you ok wingman?” he asked me quietly using his arm to pull me even tighter to his side.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied quietly.

“You’re not…”

“JACK!!!” We heard a tiny high-pitched voice shout happily before a blur launched herself at him coming out of the nursey, “Jack went bye-bye come home now?” Laura asked him.

“Yes, I’m back,” he said pulling her into his lap, “How are you?”

“I play tea party where Andy make tea go boom,” she said looking at him and sticking out her bottom lip in a slight pout John smiling at the response.

“Well, that was mean of him,” he told her.

“Yeah but, ok now because tea fake,” she informed him.

For a while, I tried to drift back to my math John having long moved away in order to pull Lar onto his lap and then had gotten up and moved around. John and Alice eventually started talking my ears perking up when I heard Alice mutter, “Actually I think your room is best.”

John walked out of the nursery where he had followed Andy very visibly upset. Like he was so angry he was shaking as he followed behind Alice the bedroom door shutting behind him. A few minutes later I heard muffled yelling through the door as I cringed.  
It was time for me to go downstairs and get James, Cat, Mike and Matt from the bus stop and so I walked down there to grab them. The first thing Catty did was smile before her face fell.

“Where’s Jack? He’s supposed to be home,” she said sadly.

“He is home. He’s inside,” I told her.

“YES!” she said before she took off running towards the house Matt sighing as James gave me a small smile.

“Where is Mike?” I asked him.

“He stayed home today,” Matty informed me.

Good, I thought. At least he didn’t have to go to school after what that monster did to him. How that guy had raped him just the night before. How it had hurt Mike apparently so bad that Matt had felt it even if it only bothered him temporarily.

I climbed the stairs with them and made it back upstairs. Matt didn’t speak until he pulled his books out John yelling something loudly to Alice. James looking beyond tired while Matt just looked like well, Matt.

“You know he’s going to get in trouble for that?” Matt told me.

“Matt, don’t,” I said shaking my head.

“Why? It’s true. You got in trouble. We all know you go…”

“Don’t be mean!” Cat said sounding oddly bored of the conversation for a four-year-old as she sat down at the table.

“Do we have to talk about it just because they are?” I asked Matt.

“Talk about what?” James asked reaching into the fridge and trying to grab a pitcher of cool-aid.

“WOW!” I said nearly sprinting to the fridge and grabbing it just before he tipped it off the self and probably all over himself, “Be careful. If you want a drink you ask ok bud?”

“Sorry,” James told me, “I just want a drink.”

“I know bud, but you have to ask before you pour it all over yourself ok?” I told him.

“Ok,” he said, “Do you think Alice is mad at Jack?” he asked me.

“We can’t call him that guys,” I sighed heavily, “We need to call him John if Da hears you call him Jack he’s going to be very angry with you. So, it’s John, ok?”

“Ok,” James said, “Do you think Alice is mad at John?” 

I smiled at him for correcting himself, “I don’t think so. I think it might be the other way around. Can you guess why?”

“Because Alice is letting uncle Ben come up here and say goodbye to us and good morning to the babies?” James guessed causing me to frown.

Now that really worried me. Yeah, I was worried about him doing stuff to the babies but, what if he was doing stuff to them and then making them go to school? That was just cruel. My frown causing Matt to snort.

“He didn’t do anything. He was checking up to see how Mike was doing. They kept him late last night. Da said that he wanted him to check and see if he had to stay home from school because you get your panties knotted and get yourself in trouble every time anyone is hurt during the school week. He doesn’t want you causing more trouble. That’s what Uncle Ben told me,” Matty said.

“Hey!” I said shaking my head as I poured James a glass of cool aid, “Can you at least pretend to be nice?”

“No, you hurt him,” Matty said, “Bad. His tummy is in knots and I can feel it. It’s been like that all day.”

“I didn’t do it,” I said shaking my head even though I felt guilty about it. 

Of course, I felt guilty about it. Da’s warning ringing in my ears from the night before. How if I would just do what I was told faster no one would get hurt before I finally pulled my shirt over my head. How he had said that it was my fault. How I believed it was. I sighed heavily before I turned on my heel and started heading down the hall to Mike’s room.

“mmm,” I heard a small moan from the other side of the door.

“Mike it’s me. Can I come in?” I asked him.

“Willy?” he said loud enough for me to hear clearly before I opened the door, “W…”

“Oh my god,” I swore under my breath coming to him as he tried to move over to give me room on his bottom bunk. 

He was lying on his stomach not even a stitch of clothing on him and he looked sore. Beyond sore. The outsides of his legs from his knees up were covered in scratches and bruises. He looked beyond sore lying there like he was barely awake.

“Pal,” I said quietly moving him carefully and pulling his head into my lap, “What did they do to you?”

“Kept…,” he trailed off taking a deep breath.

I didn’t learn until years later but, they had kept going. Kept going until he couldn’t scream when they took the gag out. All three of them had kept going. All because he had said no. He had told Da he didn’t want to in front of Peter. He had embarrassed him and Da wanted to make sure he knew it.

“It’s ok,” I whispered running my hand through his hair, “I’m right here. It’s ok. You’re safe.”

“He said I was bad Willy,” Mike said quietly, “I don’t…” he started tearing up, “I don’t wan…”

“You’re not bad,” I said, “Shhh…pal, you’re not bad. You didn’t do anything wrong, ok? I bet you told him “no” didn’t you?”

He nodded his head into my lap. Of course, he had. He was a nine-year-old little boy. They had probably told him to strip just like they had told me, and he had said no. He had said no because he was scared and uncomfortable. Because he wasn’t like Matt. As far as I knew Da had only done things to them a handful of times and it was mostly Uncle Ben that was abusing him.

“Saying no is dangerous. Especially in front of other people. You didn’t do anything wrong though, you told him how you were feeling. What you wanted. The only problem is Da doesn’t care how we feel,” I told him quietly, “Has Alice seen you?”

“She rubbed stuff on it,” he told me, “On the outer parts. I wouldn’t let her…” he trailed off sighing before he buried his face in my lap against my thigh.

“It’s ok,” I told him, “I understand. It’s ok.”

“Willy, I don’t…” he started before his tears took over again.

“I know you don’t,” I said rubbing his back and his hair, “I know.”

God fucking damn it. And …I shook my head. If I would have just done what I was told. That’s all I could think was if I had just done what I was told. Who knows how much more pain I had caused him? I was wondering how he was going to manage to sit down in class at all let alone…my heart stopping as I thought about that weekend praying that Da didn’t make them go.

I needed to find out more about this weekend. That’s when I decided it was probably time to get back on the computer. To sneak into Da’s office that night and see if I could find anything in his emails. 

“I’m right here, pal,” I said letting him hold me tightly. 

He looked like he was in a huge amount of pain. Like his body couldn’t stand to be awake any longer me cooing to him as I tried to soothe him waiting until his breathing even out and he stopped hiccupping and huffing under his breath. Waiting until he was back to sleep before I gently got up and shut the door behind me.

I don’t know if I was looking for her or not, but I found Alice she was grabbing Mac out of the nursery probably trying to usher him out of the room faster towards the kitchen her looking at me and sighing heavily.

“What is it, Will, sugar?” she asked me.

“Has…I’m sorry I don’t want to get you in trouble but if Mi…”

“The doctor already came by said what we can see if the worst of it. He’s going to be a little sore but, tomorrow he should be ok to go to school,” she told me.

“Alice,” I started…” I don…”

“Shhh, …she said, “Don’t worry about it. It’s not your fault. Everything is going to be fine sugar. You’ll see.”

With that, she left me standing in the hallway John coming out of James’ room and shutting the door behind him. John’s face darkening when he saw me.

“Why is Mr. Lord seeing James and why didn’t anyone tell me?” John asked me.

Because I was his. Because I was supposed to…my stomach hurting.

“I…I’m sorry, John I’m sorry,” Was the first thing that fell out of my mouth.

If I wasn’t his then he wouldn’t come around. He wouldn’t have been raping James at all. He wouldn’t have made me rape James. Because that’s what it felt like I had done. I was convinced that just touching him I had raped him. That that man forcing me to do that to him I had raped him.

“Sorry? Sorry for…oh Wingman you’re shaking,” John said hugging me tightly, “I wasn’t saying you let it happen. I was just asking why you hadn’t told me. That’s all I was wondering. I don’t blame you. I can’t even imagine blaming you. Come on,” he said using my arm to gently guide me to my room him sighing heavily and he flopped down on my bed.

“It’s ok,” he told me as I climbed into bed with him, “It’s ok.”

I remember breathing him in the scent instantly relaxing me.

I still think it’s weird that we cuddled the way we did and from an outside viewpoint people would probably find it sexual but, the way we were raised before we were even apart of the brotherhood the line between sexual love and familial love was very blurred. So, we cuddled. We never touched each other sexually but it wasn’t uncommon for mum to find us even as little boys spooning with each other or my legs entwined in his as we watched TV on the couch on weekends away from the dorms. Hell, I once had a roommate report him because he kept coming by every night to kiss me goodnight and tuck me in (I was 8 you have to remember so he was 11.) We were just always very affectionate with each other up until we moved back to the US.

But having him away even after what Da had made us do, it had changed something. Almost losing him had changed something. Him running his fingers through my hair and cooing to me, promising me that I didn’t do anything wrong even though I knew I had. It felt safe. Probably in the same way I often felt safe to James.

“You did the best you could,” he told me kissing my forehead, “I’m so sorry Wingman I didn’t…” he said his voice catching, “It was stupid and I’m sorry. I don’t know how you’re ever going to…”

“I thought you were dead,” I barely managed to whimper, “I thought you were dead and it was my…”

“No,” he shook his head as he started to cry with me, “No it wasn’t you. It was never you, wingman. Not ever. It was Da. It was everything we talked about. IT was him and the way he…” his voice caught again, “The way he treats me like…and then…he just…like eve…I’m not…it’s so fucked up. Everything is so fucked up. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

It wasn’t his fault either. I knew it wasn’t his fault. I was sure of that. It was because Da was mad at us. Mad at us for leaving. That’s the one thing I was sure of.

“It’s because he’s mad us for letting mum take us away,” I said after we had both calmed down a little and our tears had mostly stopped.

“I know,” John said shifting his weight and sitting up, so he could pull his vest and oxford off over his head removing the top half of his school uniform in one simple move, “I know it’s because he’s angry with me. That doesn’t mean he should punish everyone.”

“It’s not just you he’s mad at,” I said, “he’s mad at me too. I think he’s even mad at Mike and Matt. He beat Mike up real good last night. He didn’t go to school this morning because of it.”

I felt him tense as I shift my weight to look at him, “Alice said Dr. Palmer already came by. That the worst of it is the scratches and bruises on his legs. I think I made it worse. Da wanted me to…to strip and I …I wouldn’t. So, he…”

“No,” John said hugging me again, “No. That doesn’t make it your fault. I know you try so hard wingman I get it but, Da made that choice to hurt him. You didn’t make Da do that to him. Nothing you did could make someone do that to Mike, ok?” 

I nodded my head. It didn’t feel that way. If I would have just taken off my clothes when Zac told me to maybe Mike would have been fine. Maybe he wouldn’t have dug into his skin as hard as he had, thrust into him as hard as he had.

If I would have just done what I was told who knows maybe he would have stopped right there. Stopped and left him alone. For all I knew it was my fault because I wouldn’t wrestle with him. Maybe if I would have done that in the first place he would have left Mike alone completely. To me, that made the whole thing my fault.

“It’s time to eat. I’m going to tell Alice to let James sleep,” John told me kissing my temple before moving me forward slightly, so he could untangle himself from me.

“I’ll tell her the same for Mike. Wake them up when she’s gone?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head, “I’m kind of pissed at her. Did you know she was letting Da bathe them?”

What?! No fucking way. No, no. Was that why it seemed like Da was always…because he was already upstairs because he had been giving them baths.

“By the look on your face I’m going to assume that’s a no,” John told me.

“I can’t…”

“She told me it’s not something she wants but it’s his house and his rules. That she can’t stop him, so she just lets him do it. Do you think he’s already…”?

“Probably,” I answered quietly, “I’m sorry I di…”

“Stop,” John told me, “It’s not your fault. You’re 11 years old Will. You’re doing the best you can. You did the best you could without mum and me here I’m sure of it. I know you Wingman and you would go to hell and back to protect them.”

He clapped me on the shoulder giving me a small smile before we headed out to the dining room. Alice was getting everyone in their highchairs before she left, her purse on the counter. She smiled at me as we came out.

“You ok William sugar?” she asked me to which I nodded my head.

“Alice I’ve got it,” John said.

“Johnathan, I done told yo…”

“I don’t want to hear it!” John said raising his voice making even me jump, “I don’t want to discuss it. Thank you for taking care of everyone and for cooking dinner tonight but I’m home now and…”

“Your Daddy pays me, not you. I’m still coming in tomorrow. Now let me just go…”

“Mike and James are sleeping. I’ll wake them up in half an hour and have them eat and finish their school work,” John told her.

“Ok,” Alice said nodding her head, “I’m sorry your upset with me but, we’re going to learn how to get along. You’ll see.”

Just then the lift opened, and Debbie walked in Cat getting out of her chair in running to her who she twirled in the air happily before kissing her cheek and putting her down, “Go eat Cat.”

“Who are you?” John asked.

“This is Debbie,” Cat answered, “She helps Alice take care of us.”

“Will?” John asked.

“She does,” I said, “she’s nice.”

“She doesn’t let Da…”

“I do not, no. I’ll see you later Alice,” Debbie said as Alice stepped onto the lift.

“I’m John,” he said squaring his shoulders.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Debbie said quietly, “Your Dad hired me to help.”

“So, do you bend over backward to give him access to …”

“Most certainly not. I have brothers at home and I have a mark on my hip just like you. There are certain things Alice doesn’t understand about us. About our families. I do what I can. I can tell you on the nights I’m here I make your Dad very unhappy. I’ve almost gotten myself fired twice with the help of a certain someone.”

“He needed to stay home,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“Who?” John asked.

“Jay,” I answered, “Da he…it’s been hard John.”

“I’m sure,” John said, “It’s ok.”

“Why does everyone have to whine? John’s back now. Things will get easier,” Matt said from where he was eating.

“I don’t like what you're implying Matthew. You’re a family. You go through this as a family otherwise you’re not going to survive. That means when one of you is suffering the rest help,” Debbie said looking at him.

“Why are you so mean to me?” Matt asked Debbie.

“I’m not intending to be mean it’s just your brain works differently, and I think sometimes you forget how important your siblings are. I think that your brain wants you to look out for only you and forgets that it needs other people. That it needs to be nice to other people,” Debbie told him.

“That’s not true I love Andy and Mikey,” Matt said smiling at Andy.

“Yeah,” John snorted, “You think I didn’t hear about any of that?”

“Any of what?” Matt asked.

“Don’t make me say it. Not at the table and not in front of gue…”

“I come in just about every day. I’ve heard about all of it John and trust me he’s not left alone with them,” Debbie said.

“Good,” John said sitting down.

I don’t remember what we talked about but, it felt good having him home again. Like things would get better. Like things already were better. My brain running thinking about other things. Things I needed to figure out that hopefully, I would have time to attend to. Like what this “party” was that was happening Friday. What I was going to do about it.

John walked back down the hall after he was finished eating to go wake up Mike and James. Both of which came out their hair tussled with sleep James walking up to me and holding out his hands at me and smiling.

“Do you feel better bud?” I asked picking him up.

“A little,” he said quietly, “I told John about Mr. Lord. Only a little bit though. I didn’t tell him he comes to see you too.”

“I know,” I told him nodding my head, “Thank you. Now eat some food, ok bud?” I told him.

“I’m going to grab this one,” Debbie said picking up Mary, “John can you grab…”

“I’ve got Mac,” he said smiling, “So Debbie, can you tell me a little bit more about yourself?”

“Of course,” Debbie said smiling at him as they headed down the hall talking.

“How are you doing Mike?” I asked him.

“I’m ok,” he told me, “My butt hurts.”

“I’m sure it does,” I said nodding my head.

“Does it always feel like this? I mean Uncle Ben’s done it before just…,” he trailed off his face going red.

“Not that hard?” I asked, and he nodded his head, “Well, what I usually do in that case is take stool softeners. Does it hurt other places?” I asked him.

“Alice gave me a jar of stuff that smells funny she helped me rub it on and said that I should use some after I shower and when I wake up before school. That it will make it feel better,” Mike told me before taking a bite of his food.

“That’s good pal, but does it hurt other places?” I asked him again.

It was something that even John and I generally didn’t talk about. How if they did other things that could hurt too. It was shameful because while they were doing that it didn’t hurt until they took it too far. Until they sucked too hard or too much.

“You mean there?” he asked me barely above a whisper.

“Yes,” I said nodding my head.

“Only when I used the bathroom,” he said.

“Did you tell Dr. Palmer that?” I asked him.

He shook his head. I sighed. He should have told Dr. Palmer. If he was there he should have told him. For all, we knew he had a urinary tract infection or something else because of them. It wasn’t unheard of for something like that to happen. I knew it wasn’t even though I had never experienced that side effect myself.

“You should have told him. You could be sick,” I mentioned.

“I’ll be ok,” Mike told me.

“Are you sure?” I asked him.

“Yeah it hurts less already than it did earlier,” he insisted.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head as the lift opened and Da came out.

“Where are the babies?” Da asked me going over and picking up Seamus as Mike and I went quiet James getting out of his chair and hiding behind me hugging my waist.

“I think Debbie and John took them into the nursery,” I told him.

“But they left this cute little button out here? Is Daddy left to give you a bath little guy?” Da asked.

I felt my stomach drop. He wasn’t supposed to touch them or be alone with them John coming out of the nursery and freezing for a minute as he looked at us, at James, Mike and I before taking in Da. I think that was the first time he had seen Da that day. Maybe since he had left the hospital completely. His back going straight as he took a deep breath and exhaled. 

Almost like he was trying to calm himself down. Like he was trying to fight back all the disgust he felt and act like everything was normal. Like he was ok when really, I could tell he wanted to scream. Partly because it was Da and partly because he was holding Seamus and acting like he was a real parent to him.

Like he was really his Da and not his sperm donor. Like Seamus wasn’t raised by us and our nannies. Like he looked at Seamus as a person a little person with his own unique personality when really all Da saw was something he owned. Another toy to play with, another thing to make scream and beg and plead him to stop.

John cleared his throat, “Da, I’ll bathe them.”

“No, that’s all right,” Da said smiling at Seamus and kissing each of his cheeks before looking at John, “I can do it.”

“I’d rather you didn’t,” John said bravely.

That was when I knew it was time for us to walk away. That whatever was about to happen wasn’t something that necessarily needed witnesses. I had never seen John contradict something Da was saying. Never seen him tell Da no because it wasn’t something you did. I moved and tried to do so without notice grabbing Mike’s hand before I pulled him up out of his chair as Da set Shay back down in his.

“Come on,” I said to both of them as quietly as I could, “Come on…let’s go. Now…” With that, we turned, and I picked up James and ushered them down the hall away from Da.

“He’s going to do something bad isn’t he?” Mike asked me.

His face looked a mixture between worried and pensive. Like he was worried for John but wondering what was going on. All I could do was nod my head, “Don’t worry about it,” I told him knowing that’s what John would want me to say.

He would want me to tell Mike not to worry about it because Mike was too young to worry about us. Too little to have to worry about what Da was going to do to John, to me. What he was going to let other people do. The only person Mike should have to worry about was himself. At that point, more so than ever before with Zac around because I highly doubted Zac was going to be a onetime thing considering how Da was talking about contracts. How he wished John was there to show them an example of what a successful contract looked like.

“How can you say that?” Mike asked me quietly, “He just got back. He left because of Da, we know he left because of Da. And now Da is out there alone with him and Shay.”

“It’ll be ok,” I tried to assure him James still clinging to me quietly in my arms, “I’ll try to make sure it’s ok.”

“It’s Da,” Mike said shaking his head, “It will never be ok.”

He was right. I didn’t have the heart to say it out loud, but he was right. Anything involving Da would never be ok. Anything where Da was alone with any of us, not just the boys but, any of us would never be ok and we all knew it.

“It’s almost bedtime,” I told them, “You two should go brush your teeth.”

“Can I stay with you, Willy?” James asked me.

“I would love to have you stay with me bud but…,” I started before he squeezed me a little tighter burying his head in my chest causing me to sigh.

Da had told me a while ago I needed to try and get him sleeping in his own bed. Probably because Da wanted me available in case he wanted to…The idea making me feel cold, making my skin crawl. But, what if Da came in and found us in bed together and he decided he didn’t want me, that he wanted James instead? That was something I wasn’t willing to risk. Things were already difficult enough for James. What with Lionel. With that fact that Lionel was already trading me in for him, that he was forcing me to help groom him. The last thing James needed was me possibly subjecting him to Da as well even if it was unintentional.

“Look at me,” I sighed sitting down on my bed and shifting his weight away from me slightly, “There you are. I would love for you to stay with me tonight but, I think something is going to happen and I don’t need you to be here when it does. I need you to be safe.”

“But if I’m in here with you maybe the bad things won’t happen,” he told me.

“I don’t think that’s how it works, bud,” I said smiling at him sadly, “I need to know you’re safe in your room, ok? Tonight, that’s the best thing you can do to help me.”

“You promise?” he asked me quietly.

“Promise,” I said nodding my head before I kissed his forehead, “Now how about you and Mike go brush your teeth and get ready for bed?”

“Ok,” he said before leaning up and kissing my forehead, “Willy, I love you.”

“I love you too, bud,” I told him, “And I love you too, Pal,” I told Mike.

“Yeah, I love you, Willy,” Mike replied yawning as he did so before he grabbed James’ hand and walked towards their bedrooms together.

John sighed heavily as he came down the hall heading towards the nursey when I came out of my room. It was probably around 6:30 and almost time for the younger kids to be in bed Seamus in John’s arms. He looked stressed. Usually when he was home though if Pat wasn’t around he did look stressed and being in the hospital wouldn’t have changed that.

“Everything ok?” I asked.

He nodded his head, “Da filled me in on some stuff.”

“He didn’t hurt you?” I asked quietly to which he shook his head.

“I’m fine. Just…mostly talked.”

“You seem slightly rattled,” I pointed out.

“He always makes me nervous. Can you blame me?” John pointed out.

“Of course not,” I said, “Debbie has the girls in the bath I think.”

“How late does she usually stay?” he asked me.

“Until around 8 or 9. 10 at the latest. I mean Mary and Shay are mostly sleeping through the night so sometimes Mike or I get up and tend to them but mostly everyone is asleep by 9.”

“Including you?” he asked me raising an eyebrow at me.

“Depends on the day,” I answered.

“So, you aren’t sleeping?” he asked me.

“I’m trying?” I shot back.

“You need something?” he asked me.

Yeah, for Da and uncle Ben to leave me alone when I was trying to sleep. That way maybe my stomach and back wouldn’t hurt so I could actually get comfortable enough to sleep. Maybe get Wallace to stop hitting on me so that way my brain wasn’t racing every night trying to figure out how to avoid his advances. So many things kept me from sleeping. Worrying about my brothers, all of them. Worrying about Cat. About Wallace, my friends. All of it.

“A vacation?” I questioned.

“I was thinking a pill. I have some of those. They might help you sleep,” he said.

“No,” I shook my head.

“Are you sure?” He asked me, “Wingman it’s a pill. It’s going to help you fall asleep it’s not going to hurt you.”

“I know that,” I said not stating my fear. My fear that if I didn’t wake up something would happen anyway. That I would be groggy and stupid and that would make everything worse. It wasn’t worth the risk it posed not just to myself but, to everyone else as well.  
“Are you sure? Can you at least think about it?” he asked me as James came out pulling on my pant leg to get my attention.

“Yes, bud?” I asked him.

“I still have homework,” he notified me.

“Ok well…,” John cut me off.

“Come with me we’ll go finish up your homework,” John said handing Shay to me, “Can you take him to what’s her name? Debbie?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “No problem.”

With that, we parted ways for a while. I went and helped James in the kitchen while Mike and Matt watched TV. I remember starting to clean the kitchen as Debbie came out of the nursery her frowning at me, “That’s a part of my job you know?” she asked me.

“I’ve got it,” I said.

“You help a lot. Are you ok?” she asked me.

“I’m glad John’s back,” I said smiling at her.

“Well, I know things aren’t easy for you and I hope him being home helps you. I’ve noticed you tend to keep things close. My brother Jake was like that,” Debbie told me.

“Was?” I asked her.

“Car accident last year,” Debbie said.

“I’m sorry,” I told her.

“It’s ok. He’s ok now,” she told me smiling, “I know he’s in a good place.”

“You really think so?” I asked her.

“I know so. From the time I can remember he wouldn’t even swat a fly. If that’s not a pure soul that’s in heaven I don’t know anyone who would be considered for the honor at all. He was a good guy,” Debbie told me.

“Do you think I’m a good guy?” I asked her.

“I know you are,” she said frowning at me, “You think you aren’t?”

“I don’…”

“Oh kiddo,” Debbie told me, “You’re a great guy. You’re young but, you’re a great guy sweetie. They make people do bad things. Sometimes very bad things. We do what we have to in order to survive. Ok? That doesn’t mean you’re bad.”

“If I’m a great guy why do only bad people like me?” I asked her.

“What do you mean?” she asked me just as John came down the hallway.

“Aren’t you leaving soon?” he asked her.

“As soon as James and Mike and Matt are ready for bed,” she told him.

“And that’s the last problem,” James said to himself smiling happily, “Does that mean I can go back to sleep now?”

John smiled and walked up to him kissing the top of his head, “Yes, did you already brush your teeth?”

“Yeah Willy made me after we ate,” he told John.

“All right, go and get in bed. I’ll be in to put you to bed in a few minutes, ok?”

“Ok, thank you for helping me and letting me stay up late,” he told me before he hugged John.

“No problem,” I said smiling at him before I turned back to my drying as he started down the hall Debbie going off to the living room, probably to usher Mike and Matt into bed as well, “That is the happiest I’ve seen him since last Tuesday.”

John sighed and came over to me picking up a dish towel and drying. It was something we got into the habit of doing together in Montana. Before that point, we didn’t really have to do dishes at all. We helped mum with them sometimes but, it wasn’t something we always did. Usually, the housekeepers did that.

Once we had gotten to Montana it was John and me because Mum was always working and the last thing her and Carmen needed to do was clean a kitchen when she was only home for an average of four hours a day and that was just enough to get some sleep. 

“I heard about some of the stuff that happened,” John told me, “Mike told me over the phone.”

Told him what stuff? About Da and Uncle Ben or about Lionel. About all the other stuff happening?

“I…I’m sorry,” I managed quietly.

“You didn’t do it. You’re 11. If I can’t stop it and I’m 13 how do you think you’re going to stop it?” he asked me.

“I don’t know,” I sighed heavily, “I just feel like I didn’t do enough.”

I had molested James but, I couldn’t bring myself to say it. To admit that would be admitting that Lionel had made me do it. That I was his boy. That I hadn’t told John when I had the chance and now he would be mad at me. Mad that I hadn’t said anything because maybe if I had things would be different. At least that’s what he would think.

It would also mean admitting that it was my fault Da had looked for us so hard. That it had really been Lionel looking for us, for me. It would mean admitting it was all my fault. For real.

“What do you mean do enough?” he asked me before he stacked the plate I had handed him and then looked at me.

I hadn’t done enough to protect them. I hadn’t kept Uncle Ben away enough. I hadn’t…I had been too worried about Lionel and too tired because of them, all of them that I had been sleeping too much. Maybe if I hadn’t been sleeping or locked up in my room as much as I had then maybe Mike wouldn’t be in the situation he was in with Matt and that guy. Maybe none of it would be happening.

“It’s nothing,” I said shaking my head.

“Will,” he said frowning at me not taking his eyes off me, “Wingman, talk to me. What’s going on?”

“What am I supposed to do? You weren’t here and mum’s not here and it if wasn’t me it would have been someone else. But I was…I was so tired all the time. All the time they never stopped none of them. Not ever they never stopped. They never stopped and then Uncle Ben and…and …Mike and Matt and he was…”

I could feel my body shaking. The sight flashing before my eyes of Mike shackled like that, restrained like that so his back couldn’t even rest against the pillows as Matt sat on his chest naked bending over…doing that to him. Blowing him as Zac had raped him.  
“Wingman,” John said hugging me pulling me close, “You can tell me anything. You know you can tell me anything. What happened?”

“Matt was blowing Mike while he raped him. Making them have an orgy. I never want to see anything like that again. It was so wrong. All of it was so wrong and it was because of…”

“Shhh…no. No,” John told me, “It wasn’t because of you. It doesn’t matter what they say. None of it because of you. It’s because they want to. Because Da wants them to. It has nothing to do with you or what you do or don’t do.”

“Da and Uncle Ben said that …”

“It doesn’t matter what they said, Wingman,” he told me, “It has nothing to do with you ok? Nothing. I swear.”

“No, I have to try harder. If I just close my eyes I can pretend it’s not happening,” I tried to explain.

“And how often do they let you close your eyes?” John asked me quietly.

“John, I really don’t want to…”

“Talk about it? Yeah, tell me about it. I have tried my whole life to keep him off you and you’re letting him just do it? Both him and Uncle Ben? You’re using yourself to draw him away from them? That’s not your job. Your job is to take of them,” he told me as I pulled away from him.

“You weren’t here! I was taking care of them! I was taking care of them the only way I could!! You were the one who decided you would rather be dead than be here with us, with him. So, what else was I supposed to do? You left a position that needed filling, so I filled it. I hated it but, I did it. I understand why you tried to kill yourself especially after doing that but, I wouldn’t be doing it if I didn’t have to.”

 

“I didn’t try to kill myself just because of that. It was so many things! I got out of the hospital on Friday, you know that. You saw me at Mass and I told you I’d tell you where I had been when I got a chance to talk to you again. I was with Leo. He GAVE ME TO LEO! He told me two days before I…,” John admitted to me his voice cracking with emotion as he started to tear up, “Between him and Leo I couldn’t. I couldn’t, I felt like I was drowning, and I couldn’t anymore, Will. I’m sorry! I didn’t think about anyone else before I tried but I just felt so…dead already. I still feel dead but at least I’m not stupid enough to try again and fail!”

I blinked. Froze. I was yelling at him. He had tried to kill himself for some the same reasons I wanted to and yet…I was yelling at him. He had just spent two weeks in hell. A hell created by the two men who wanted him more than anything that he wanted nothing to do with. 

“So, he really gave you to Leo?” I asked him quietly feeling guilty for yelling at him. For treating him like he didn’t matter when he mattered more than anyone.

“Yeah, I have a contract. It’s basically when…”

“I know what a contract is, John,” I told him quietly.

“Ok, well Leo contracted me. He’s been looking to contract me since he first saw me. When we came back, I don’t know if it’s to punish mum or me or all of us, but he agreed. Now every weekend for the next six months I’m…” I sighed before speaking.

They had to be kidding me. Every weekend? Every time he wasn’t studying. When James and Mike and Matt weren’t in school. When Da wasn’t always working. When we needed him to be here the most he still wouldn’t be around. Because Da had told him he couldn’t be because Leo was telling him he couldn’t be.

“You’re spending every weekend with Leo?” I asked him quietly.

He sighed and nodded his head. His whole being looking deflated. We both knew what that meant. That Leo would be raping him at least once a day for three days in a row most weekends. And that was if he was nice. If he wasn’t…it’d be a lot more often.  
Leo wasn’t a nice a guy. He was like Lionel. I knew he was like Lionel. He pretended to be nice but then…you did one wrong thing, and everything was undone. Everything. I’d been with Leo. I’d seen the way he looked at me. Imagining him looking at John like that making my skin break out in goose bumps. What if John wasn’t…?

“I’m sorry,” I said, those words the only thing coming to mind.

“It’s not your fault,” he said, “It’s probably mine. I didn’t stop her from taking us. I felt like I needed to be away from him. I didn’t think that would mean he’d get pissed at everyone. I was hoping it would mean I’d never have to see him again.

“It’s not your fault either,” I said quietly.

“It doesn’t feel that way,” John told me quietly.

“It’s not though,” I insisted, “Can I ask you something?”

“What?” he asked me frowning.

I wanted to know what it was like. Because I needed… I needed something. But if it was really worse I didn’t think I could even risk it. Not if it was as bad as Pat and Cole said it was. I wanted John to tell me what it was really like.

“What was the hospital like?” I asked him quietly.

“A nightmare,” he said giving a tightlipped smile to the fridge, “They asked him what I hated the most and they…three of the staff there and Leo…Leo was my doctor, so it didn’t go very well. I begged to go home with him because at least if it was him it was only one person.”

“Shit,” I said before I could stop myself putting my hand over my mouth.

So, it was out of the question unless I was sure I would succeed. Maybe if I was lucky I’d be able to make it downstairs. To get off the balcony where John hadn’t. That was if I wanted to do it at all. What about James? What about how we had all felt when John had done it? Did I want to put them through that again only without me?

“Don’t ever try to kill yourself, ok?” John muttered looking at me as if he were reading my mind. 

I sighed nodding my head. He was right, that wasn’t the answer. Doing that to them, to my family and friends, something I felt like I had never really had before wasn’t the answer. There had to be another one. Somewhere, there had to be another answer to all of this. I just wasn’t sure what that answer was.

“Are you going to be ok?” I asked John. 

If he had felt broken before then I didn’t know how he felt any better. Especially knowing what he had to deal with all the time now. I only had to see Lionel usually once every two weeks but, he had to see Leo two days a week every weekend. I couldn’t imagine doing that. I couldn’t imagine even being able to breathe if I had to do that.

“I’m happy to be home and that’s something I never thought I would be happy about,” he answered before the lift kicked on.

I hadn’t even realized Da had gone downstairs until he stepped out of the lift. If John had just slept with him yesterday and I had too and then…my face turning red as I thought about it. Thought about who it would be worse for. Who it would be more painful for. My ass had stopped feeling raw somewhere around gym time probably because I hadn’t been sitting on it anymore, so it had started to get a little more comfortable my brain realizing that they were probably going to shove that thing inside of me again. At least they would if Da remembered to make me wear it. Because I wasn’t about to wear one if he didn’t.

“Hi beautiful boys,” Da said looking at us.

“Hi da,” I said barely a whisper looking at him as my whole body felt frozen as he rubbed at himself through is sweatpants.

“Hey,” Da said nodding his head walking towards John wrapping his arms around John’s waist and then pressing into him, like, like that. 

He couldn’t. John had just gotten home he couldn’t do that to him. He couldn’t. But I couldn’t either. I knew I couldn’t and then …I had to get to that computer. I knew I had to see what was going on with that party. I had to know if it was Lionel’s birthday party. What was happening? I couldn’t just…I needed to know.

“Come on baby,” Da said kissing the back of his neck as he pressed tightly against his backside, “Let’s go to bed.”

“Ok,” John murmured nodding his head grabbing the top of Da’s hand’s a squeezing them.

“Will, you can go to bed honey,” Da said looking at John sniffing the back of his neck and nearly drooling on him as he did it.

It made me sick, but it also made me wonder. What was so different about John to Da that…he didn’t even look twice at me? John watching me his eyes wide as Da rubbed against him and started kissing the back of his neck making him flinch. 

Oh. Oh shit. I can go to bed meant I needed to go to my room. I realized that the more John stared at me telling me with his eyes that I needed to leave as I blinked feeling my face burn red, “Ok. Night John.” I said before turning around and heading for my bedroom.

I shut my door. Debbie had left I figured or if she hadn’t she would be leaving soon. Me wondering if Da was going to do that right out in the kitchen. Especially if Debbie was still there because I was sure she hadn’t left yet. I remember waiting to hear something. Sitting on my bed and waiting. I heard a door slam and the lift turn on and then voices.

“Da, can you slow down?” I heard John mutter outside of my bedroom door.

“Come on baby,” Da whimpered almost like he was a teenage boy, “You know what I want.”

“Yeah,” I heard John say breathlessly, “But, can …”

“Now baby, please?” I heard Da beg him.

I had only seen them together once. John always seemed to border on flirtatious. I knew it was for me, because of me and that he didn’t really want those things with Da, far from it but, he figured if he acted like maybe there was a chance he was ok with it Da would leave us alone, but it made me cringe just hearing the way he talked to Da.

“Fine,” I heard John sigh.

“HEY!” Da said so loudly it made me jump, “None of that, ok?”

“Just what if one of the kids as a bad dream Da? I mean that girl she almost saw,” John said quietly.

“Baby, it’s nothing to be ashamed about. I love your body,” Da told John.

“I…it’s …I like keeping my shirt on unless I’m in my room Da,” John said quietly, “And she almost saw. You were pulling my shirt up and she almost saw.”

“Saw what? How sexy you are?” Da asked nearly purring the last part.

“Not that Da, my…,” John sighed.

“So? It’s a little love bite. It’s not a big deal. She’s brotherhood she knows all about those things. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” Da said apparently doing something that caused John to moan in what sounded like annoyance.

“It’s from Hank,” he whined, “I really prefer not to let people see that. Please, Da? I just want to be more careful.”

“Ok baby,” he said before I heard what sounded like kissing, “Ok, I promise. Let’s go to bed?”


	68. Chapter 68

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will finally makes it back to the computer in order to spy on his Da. He gets caught snooping and faces a choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1740 to 1749, **Warnings: rape, forced kissing, forced handjob, forced oral** Not a long chapter but still a lot going on. A lot of rape so be warned. **John POV part 2 between chapters 23 and 24**

I didn’t hear John respond but heard a door open and then close. I waited. Waiting to see if it was going to be like what Da did to me. Telling me to be loud but, I didn’t hear anything. I didn’t hear anything coming from inside the room not even a whimper the whole thing telling me that they were probably…Da was raping him.

The only good thing about it was that if I didn’t make a lot of sound I could easily get downstairs and check Da’s emails. Check and see what this party was about. If it was his birthday party or if it was something else. I quietly moved opening the pantry door and taking the stairs down.

I had never stopped on the third floor using the pantry stairs even though I knew there was a landing halfway between our floor and the second floor and while it was always dark in that stairwell I figured that would probably be a good place to put an entry to the third level so I slowly used the railing to guide myself down that narrow horrible staircase and sure enough after feeling on the wall I found a door handle and it opened unto the third floor. 

It was dark. The only light on the whole floor was coming from Da’s office, the soft glow of the computer screen. I slowly walked towards it the door hanging wide open and sighed as I realized Da had left himself logged in so there wasn’t any need to guess his password.

I went up to the computer and quickly opened his email account looking through them. It was at that point I noticed all the emails Da had in his inbox in red. By that point, I had already figured out the color coding. That everything Lionel always sent him had a red font. It was because he was important. Because his color was red. I opened the first one that looked important and it was labeled “changes”

C,  
I have to say that while I’m glad the boys are back I find that Will is slowly changing and may no longer suit my tastes as well as he did. I will use him for transitioning of course but, I do have other plans for him. A boy with his features does well in front of the cameras and he was showing a lot of promise when it came to following direction before he was so unfortunately removed from your gentle and wise guidance. I think he will do well on film in helping with different types of productions for our happy little family…”

I skipped over the rest of it. He was talking about the videos he wanted me to make. I had starred in at least two if not three or more. So, that was old news to me. And I knew about his transitioning because Cole and Teddy had already explained that to me. I had been intimate with Teddy because of him and he was slowly working me there with James just like Cole and Teddy had warned me he would so none of that was news.  
I skipped a few down to one that said “party”.

C,  
As you know September has come once again. It is this time of year that we invite our brothers from different countries to come and view our progress here in what is considered the anchor charter of the East Coast Chapter of operations. There will be plenty going on and some markings will be taking place along with a remarking or two. 

The party will start around 4 pm on Friday and will be expected to continue well into Sunday afternoon with table activities concluding around 6 pm. This way the boys can have a normal evening with plenty of rest before the school week resumes. Late arrivals will be accepted until Saturday around 3 pm but, no later than that. As per house rules, every handler present must supply some entertainment. If you cannot provide proper entertainment for this party, you will be asked to select one from the very delectable specimens provided by our wonderful clubhouse.

I would like to inquire as to who will be coming from your household. Leo has already issued his RSVP but, I was wondering if you would be bringing some special guest. Especially one that seems to be exhibiting some discipline problems for you. I suggest he be present for the weekend's conclusion if for nothing else (he is still ever so sweet, such a darling little one but, he is little no longer, and it is no longer becoming for him to be so hesitant at following direction.) I think that Zac would also be happy to see the other two boys in attendance even though it is not required.  
L

So, I was going. I was going to that party. It seemed like a normal one and like nothing special was going to be happening but, he wanted me there as well as Mike and Matt and of course, John was going. It made me wonder who else was going to be there and what was going to happen. The idea scaring me.

I sighed closing out of it before I saw another red font the title labeled shipments and Fin assessment. I was going to click on it before I heard him speak making me jump 10 feet in the air.

“So, you’re the hacker? I should have figured that one,” Uncle Ben said behind me.

I didn’t even bother turning around. I figured I was caught. That I was in serious trouble him laughing as I froze.

“There are a couple ways this can play out. I’m supposed to make sure you’re behaving yourself and that you keep yourself pegged at night and trust me, you want to be pegged every night this week. So, I can be nice and keep my mouth shut so Daddy and the Boss don’t know a damn thing or…I can go upstairs and interrupt Daddy’s time with his special boy and you can see how serious what I have caught you doing is. Especially because when Mr. Shepard searched that tin can you guys called a house in Montana he found emails printed out addressed to your Da. Lionel knows about that and so does your Da but at this point, they think it was someone hired to hack your Da. Someone your mom hired but…you and I know better don’t we baby?”

I didn’t realize mum had kept copies. I thought she had given them all to Rosalina. So now he knew. They knew. I was in serious trouble and the way I still felt raw and sore from Da before I didn’t picture it going well for me. I hadn’t even realized Uncle Ben was home. If I had I wouldn’t have gone looking. At least not until later when I was sure they were all asleep.

“What will it be?” he asked me smiling rubbing through his pants.

He was asking me if I’d…if I’d have sex with him. I either had to have sex with him or face a beating and then have to go to that party anyway. It was his way of telling me he wanted to make love to me instead of fucking me and I could either say yes and get it over with or say no and face the consequences. 

I nodded my head. I didn’t have a choice. Especially if I needed to be ok to protect Mike and Matt the best I could. If they were going to be at that party, they were going to need me. They needed me to be there to make sure they were hurt as little as possible. The way everyone made those parties sound was bad. It was so bad I remember my brain just not wanting to believe that we were going to go at all. Wanting to believe it was some sort of mistake I had read and that it wasn’t real as he looked at me. As he waited for my answer while rubbing himself, stimulating himself through the fabric of his PJ pants.

“Are you going to answer?” he asked me still smiling as my brain tried to process what he was saying, what he was…

“How about we go upstairs and grab your peg and then we decide?” he said grabbing me hard by the arm and practically yanking me from the room. It hurt. I remember thinking that the act itself not really jarring me out of my freeze but my brain slowly starting to come out of as he dragged me down the hall and towards the lift.

The lift that was going to make noise. That was going to let Da know that someone was awake, the lift that was…

“I took the stairs. What if he…?”

“You speak, look at that,” he said mockingly.

“Don’t worry he’s going to be too busy with big brother to bother coming out and checking. If he asks later, I’ll tell him I came up to visit you. I have a free ticket to ride you 3 times a week and I haven’t cashed any of those in a bit,” he told me.

It was true. He hadn’t. Not really. Not in a couple of days. I had been with him maybe once the week before. The idea making me sick to my stomach. Having sex with him was something I haven’t missed and realized I hadn’t been grateful enough that I wasn’t being subjected to. Especially not the way he did it whether it was rough and what he considered “fucking” or not as rough and what he considered “making love” it was something that I didn’t appreciate was missing until he was there looking at me like that the lift opening and taking us upstairs.

“You’re sexy, you know that?” he asked me already grabbing me pushing my back flat against the wall.

I didn’t know what to say about it. I hated it when they called me sexy. I didn’t feel sexy. I never felt sexy. I felt stupid and scared. Often, I also felt like I had done something wrong. Done something to be viewed as sexy and not just me. Like maybe if I could stop doing whatever it was that made me “sexy” that they would just leave me alone.

“Come on baby, talk to me,” he told me.

“About what?” I asked him quietly as the lift opened onto our floor and he picked me up bridal style making me jump.

“It’s ok. You don’t have to nervous,” he said quietly kissing my cheek, “I’ll be gentle if you’re good.”

I nodded my head my chest feeling tight as he opened my bedroom door to find it dark and thankfully empty and he nearly threw me on the bed before shutting the door behind us and climbing on top of me.

“Woah,” I remember thinking. 

Usually, he pulled his clothes off or mine first but instead he was grinding against me trying to kiss my lips as I moved away my hands against his chest. I knew I was supposed to let him. I knew I was in trouble if I didn’t but usually, it wasn’t like this. This was different. This was worse. This was like Da, this was…

“Baby, calm,” he told me sounding like Wallace, reminding me of Wallace my panic escalating, “I’m not going to hurt you.”

He was hurting me. He was. How did he not know he was hurting me? A wheezing sound breaking from my mouth.

“Ok, it’s ok,” he said getting off me and going to my nightstand fetching one of my inhalers, “You’re ok, baby. I mean it.”

Why did he sound so much like Wallace? Why did…why was he doing this? Why was he doing it like this? Why couldn’t he just do like he usually did?

“Use it, baby, it’s ok,” he said helping me sit up and letting me use my inhaler as he rubbed my shoulders.

I didn’t want to have sex with him. Especially not like that. The idea making me feel sick to my stomach.

“Just tell him,” I barely managed to whisper looking at my lap.

“What, baby? I’m sorry,” he said quietly putting his thumb on my chin to gently tilt my face upward, so he could look into my eyes.

“Just tell Da,” I repeated, “Please?”

He grimaced his eyes going cold for a minute, “You really prefer that wrinkly old cock to mine? Really? You would rather be gang banged until your insides come out than make love to me, so I can slowly open you up and make sure you can take it better? That’s what you want? You want me to tear you when I go and…” he got up marching over to my dresser where the peg was sitting that I was supposed to wear inside me at night and he threw it at me, “Shove this into your cunt? That’s what you want?”

He said this all in a hiss trying to stay quiet even if he wasn’t calm. He was aware that the area wasn’t soundproof, that he could easily be heard through the walls if he got too loud. He was probably worried about waking up Da or interrupting him like he had said before when we had used the lift.

Could my insides come out? I remember thinking that. I knew I could be hurt, killed by them but from sex? From sex alone? That didn’t seem possible but the more I thought about it the more I realized it was probably true. That it could kill me.

I shook my head. If I was dying I wanted to be the one who decided how. I didn’t want to let them take that from me too. They already controlled what felt like every minute of my life. Did I want to give them my death too? I looked up at him slowly.

“Then calm down,” he warned me quietly his face softening, “We’ll warm up, ok? Make it feel good. Really nice, I swear. Can we do that?” 

I hated that. Had he ever really made me cuddle with him like that? Not until after he raped me usually but, I didn’t like it. Usually, that meant slow. It means him putting his mouth all over me. His hands all over me. And I hated those things. I would rather he made me get on my hands and knees and pound me. I would rather he do that than force me to make out with him, to kiss him back as he slowly undressed me as he told me I was sexy and how good I felt or tasted.

“Can we?” he asked me coming back over the tub of Vaseline in his hand as he said it.

I had no choice but to nod my head. I knew I didn’t have a choice, so I did it his smiling growing as he saw me do it. He walked towards me biting his bottom lip as he looked at me.

“Lay back,” he said as I looked at him from where I was sitting on the bed.

Lay back. It’s such a simple command but it felt like he was asking me for so much more. Asking me to give him a piece of my soul and looking back he was. He wasn’t a doctor asking to examine me or a parent trying to sooth me through a fever. He was my Uncle. He was asking me to let him rape me. To lay back and let it happen my whole body starting to tingle in that sick way as I did so without a word.

He chuckled slightly under his breath, “You’re such a good boy, baby. You know that?” he asked me nuzzling my neck as he climbed on top of me again straddling my body using his knees to keep his weight off me before he started kissing and licking my neck and jaw, “So sexy.”

I didn’t want to be sexy. He licked my lips lightly directing me wordlessly to open my mouth. To allow him to kiss me. I opened my mouth his tongue tickling the roof of my mouth as my stomach started to hurt his hands going to the second or third button on my oxford that I was still wearing over my undershirt, my tie and vest long gone from a day of afterschool activities like homework and helping Alice and Debbie with things.

I remember my brain screaming at me. Screaming at me to push him away, to make him stop because I didn’t want to. Everyone else did though and I was tired of it. I just wanted my body back, for one day I just wanted my body back and yet here he was. He was… his other hand moving, grabbing the crotch of my pants my whole body starting to shake as the sensation jolted me.  


“You taste good. What did you eat for dinner?” he asked me.

I couldn’t remember. At that moment I felt like I could barely breathe let alone think. My brain was frozen in confusion his hand that had finished unbuttoning my shirt moving to stroke my hair as my chest heaved slightly in anxiety.

“Baby, it’s ok. If you can’t remember, tell me that. It’s not a big deal,” he murmured.

“I don’t…I don’t remember,” I answered quietly.

“That’s ok. I make you nervous?” he asked me his hand pulling my undershirt out from where it was tucked into my pants his hand against my skin almost feeling like it was burning as it slid up my stomach and to my chest.  
I nodded my head my mouth going dry. I needed him to stop. It wasn’t right, none of it was right. My brain switching to Wallace. To imagine it was him. That it was Wallace and he was. Because that’s what would happen, and I knew it and I knew it was only a matter of time and he wanted it and I didn’t and….

“No crying,” he warned me as my eyes started to sting apparently the wetness showing as he looked at me, “I’m not going to hurt. I could but, I don’t want to.”

I took a deep breath through my nose and then exhaled rounding my lips blinking as my eyes stopped burning. I could do this. I could be ok and do this. I didn’t want to, and I hated that he was doing it like that but, I could do it.  
I remember telling myself that as he pinched one of my nipples and chuckled into my ear biting it and sucking on my earlobe.

“Baby, you’re supposed to play with me,” he said.

“hmm?” I remember barely managing the sound let alone actually being able to form the word “what?” My brain was that lost, that panicked that I couldn’t find the word to communicate what I meant but he understood.

“You know,” he said taking my hand in his hand putting it on his crotch above his PJ pants, “Play with me.”

I nodded my head. He meant like I had done to Wallace. Like Lionel had made me do a couple of times. My brain slowly blanking out as I went on autopilot. I remember watching the rest happen from somewhere on the ceiling almost like I had left my body and was just watching it happen the tingling feeling of his touches hitting me even while I was outside of my body. He slowly pulled my button up down my arms and tugged my undershirt over my head leaving me there shirtless under him my hand on his dick coping a feel through his pants before he pulled them down and off exposing himself.

He had to guide my hand back to him forcing himself into my hand making me cup his scrotum as he licked and sucked on my nipple. I didn’t want to do it this way. I didn’t want to…

“Quit squirming,” he warned me, “I mean what you’re doing with your hand feels good but quit trying to move your body away from me, baby. I want you to feel good. That’s all I’m trying to do.” He whispered into my nipple as he undid the button on my pants.

I remember feeling weird. Watching my body stop moving, watching myself stop fighting as he yanked off my pants and boxers and he smiled at me, “You’re so sexy. You’re developing nicely baby your scrotum is filling out,” he said to me grabbing me there and started to massage me aggressively, “One of my favorite things, when I was a kid, was to suck on your Da’s dick and ball sac at night before I went to sleep. Nothing was better than drinking that boy juice. Do you want to give me some?” he asked me.

I remember panicking as I watched myself nod my head. As I…but I didn’t want him to. I wanted him to le…

“SHIT!” I said loudly his tongue going into me, doing that before he stopped sinking his fingers into me.

“Shhh…quiet we don’t want to make anyone jealous,” he told me, “I’m going to make you cum until you drool.”

He didn’t. I was breathing so hard through my mouth my spit dried up before he stopped. Then he raped me. Slowly my body too worn out to tense to even attempt to stop him as he grunted and told me how “good” I felt how I was being such a good boy and Lionel would be so …proud of me. Proud of me for being good and doing what I was told without fighting it or crying.

“I’m going to cum now, baby do you want this milk?” he asked me as I whimpered and moaned before the door opened suddenly making both of us jump him slipping and hitting something wrong making me cry out, “JESUS! Sorry, sorry oh god, I’m sorry baby, are you ok?” he asked me in a hushed tone kissing my neck and chest.

“If you’re doing that you should turn on the light, so the camera can pick it up,” Da said seeming unimpressed.

“I would but…” Da cut Uncle Ben off.

“BEN! You know the fucking laws. He’s not your fucking contract and you don’t have permission! Safe play only! If I catch you doing it again I will turn you in. Do you understand?” Da asked him.

“Yeah!” Ben said, “Fine! Anything else I can help you with? Kind of busy giving him the orgasm of his life I’m pretty sure he’s not happy your interrupting either!”

“You wish,” Da snorted almost laughing, “I’m glad you’re both having fun here but, can you do it quietly? You’re both getting extremely loud and it’s almost 2 am. He must be awake at 6 to make it to the bus on time. You woke me up with your noise and there are several very small children up here that are also sleeping. So, Honey, you need to quit moaning so loud and Ben stop dirty talking so much if you have to tell him something try using your indoor voice. I haven’t had to tell you that since you were nine.”  
“Only because usually when I’m fucking with you in a room close by you’re helping me,” Uncle Ben pointed out.

“Yeah, well I’m tired and I’d like to get the last 3 hours of sleep I’m going to get tonight in peace snuggled up with my baby, ok? Finish up and let him pass out. I’m sure if like you said it’s the orgasm of his life which I’m sure he’s already had at least once tonight he’s extremely tired,” Da told him.

“Ok, can I…”

“No,” Da said, “I read that contract the same as you. You know what you are and aren’t allowed to do so don’t ask if you can break it.”

“Right,” Uncle Ben mutter, “Ok night Connie.”

“Don’t call me that,” Da said shaking his head, “Night you wake me up again I will forget letting your natural play slide and tell him. You got it?”

“Yeah! Got it! Thanks!” Uncle Ben said before restarting his thrusting.

I remember just…floating above continuing to watch it all happen. Then I felt him finish. He slid my plug inside of me before he kissed the center of my back between my shoulder blades and then got up and left as he whispered that he loved me.

It took me forever to move. My whole body was numb, and I don’t remember ever leaving the ceiling really just more blinking and then being in my body again. My whole body felt weird. Almost like I didn’t belong there anymore. I wanted to cut but I knew I couldn’t. That there wasn’t much of anything I could do other than take a shower. So, that’s what I did.

I showered and then I tried to sleep. I didn’t succeed. Instead, I laid there wondering what horrible things Danny would say to me. If anyone would pick on me. What Julian would do to Todd. How bad that week was going to be for me in general because everyone would know about the upcoming party before Friday came. There was no way everyone would keep that piece of gossip to themselves.


	69. Chapter 69

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will spends wakes up early to find John in the nursery where they talk. His Friday starts out bad and ends up worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1749 to 1779 This is a longer chapter obviously. A lot going on here so please just bear with me. **Warnings: Rape/non-con, forced kissing, forced anal, forced Oral, forced incest, making pornography, Forced filming** It's getting closer to being caught up, I promise **John's POV part 2 chapter 24**

I remember John knocked on my door sometime before 6 am to wake me up opening the door slowly and getting ready to say something before he saw my eyes open and changed his words, “Oh, you’re already awake?” he asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders. He frowned deeply at me before looking around like he expected someone to magically appear before he came into my room and closed the door covering us in darkness before he turned my side lamp on.

“Will,” he started, “Da was up here last night. Did he…?” He trailed off.

“Uncle Ben,” I whispered sitting up and getting ready to move John gasping loudly as I sat up surprising me and making me pull my blanket up to cover my chest, “What?”

“Did he bite you?” he asked me.

He had sucked an awful lot at my skin. My chest and collar bone, my neck. I wouldn’t have said he had bitten me but had he probably given me hickies, yeah. I shrugged my shoulders.

“Let me look,” he said to which I shook my head, “Wingman com…”

“No!” I said shaking my head, “I…I don’t want…I just…I…”

“Ok, chill,” John said his eyes going wide, “What’s going on huh? Are you ok?”

“I ju…” I wasn’t supposed to cry. I wasn’t supposed to cry it wasn’t abuse. He hadn’t hit me or hurt me it wasn’t abuse.

“You know what? I want you to stay home today, ok? Maybe you just need a day to chill out. I know me not being home had to be stressful. So, let yourself stay home ok?” he told me.

“Da will be mad,” I told him.

“I’ll tell him on my way out,” John said, “Just stay home for a today. Someone is going to be here for the babies, right?”

“Debbie, I think. She and Alice switch on and off,” I told him.

“Debbie was the last to leave last night so doesn’t that mean that she would come in later?” John asked me.

“I don’t know. They make their own schedules,” I answered.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll talk to Da,” he said reading the look on my face before he kissed my forehead, “Just chill. Stay home. Read a book, watch TV, play with the kids. Ok?”

I nodded my head. I was afraid of getting in trouble. I wasn’t sure what to do if I should actually stay home or not but if John was telling me to stay home and Da agreed and then I went to school anyway, wouldn’t I get in just as much trouble?

I decided to risk it. To risk staying home and it was…it did help relieve some stress being able to be home and play with Lar and Andy. Spend time with Mac and Seamus and Mary. Rock them to sleep for nap time and get some math and science homework done in peace without having to help someone else with theirs or worrying about who was sitting next to me as Debbie and Alice moved around the house. 

I remember nothing eventful happening that day. It felt restful up until later that night. Da came into my room. He didn’t rape me but, he made sure I put the peg in before I could go back to sleep. I don’t know how I managed to sleep. I know I didn’t sleep well and for some reason, I woke up when the lift turned on in the morning. At first, I thought about going back to sleep but then I realized I wanted to be with them.

To be with the babies. That yesterday being around them, helping with them had calmed me down in a way that I hadn’t expected. It had given me hope. Hope that maybe if we were lucky and if mum came home. If she managed to get past whatever horrible things Da and Leo had done to her mind while she was in that place, then maybe we could get away again and then maybe…maybe their fate wouldn’t be like mine. Maybe Da wouldn’t sign them away to nasty old men. Maybe Da wouldn’t shove his body into theirs and tell them not to cry because it wasn’t abuse. Maybe if we could just…just hold on things would be ok.

When I walked into the nursery John was already in there. He looked like he had just woken up himself. He was hugging Mac close to his body swaying back and forth like someone might do with their own child before he noticed me giving me a small smile.

“Are you ok?” I asked him quietly looking at him as he put Mac down in his crib.

He shrugged his shoulders, “Why are you awake?” he asked me quietly.

“I couldn’t sleep anymore,” I said taking Andy from him as he pulled Andy from his crib,“Morning little guy. That doesn’t answer my question.” I said kissing his cheek as he smiled at me chewing on his thumb.

“ I’ll be all right,” he tried to assure me.

Da had spent the night with him. I knew he had. I wasn’t stupid. It was Da and John. Da always wanted John, he always had and now with mum gone, there was no one there to stop him. I mean I certainly couldn’t.

“You sure?” I asked him quietly not wanting to push the subject, make him feel worse about it.

“Yeah,” he answered nodding his head, “It is what it is. I’m awake. I’m going to school where hopefully things won’t be too bad until…” John trailed off sighing heavily before raking his hand through his hair as he handed me Andy’s outfit for the day, “I have to go and get ready. Can you dress Andy and Shay for me to make sure Da doesn’t…”

“Sure, but usually Alice or Debbie does that,” I muttered, “Thank you, for everything I mean.”

“It’s nothing,” he told me showing worried a far-off look in his eyes like he was thinking about something else, “I’ll see you when I get home, all right? I love you.” He said.

“I love you too,” I said quietly setting Andy down and picking up Mary, “Hi Marbear, good morning. How are you doing?” I asked her as she cooed at me before I did a diaper check by holding her up and sniffing her, “Well, you aren’t poopy but are you wet?”

“bleh blah blah,” she replied smiling at me.

“Yeah, I know. Tell me about it,” I said putting her down on the changing table and pulling the zipper on her PJ’s as the lift kicked on.

Debbie didn’t waste any time and came straight to the nursery to find me in there pulling a fresh nappie out of the drawer for Mary.

“Will, you don’t need to do that,” Debbie said, “I’ve got it. Why are you awake so early? It’s only 5:30.”

“The lift woke me up,” I said quietly.

“The elevator?” she asked and I nodded my head, “John leave for the bus early? I didn’t see him out there.”

“No, Da leaving,” I said.

“Da…,” a look of understanding crossing her face, “Are you ok?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head even though I felt like I wanted to cry.

Because it wasn’t me. It was John. He had been with John, slept with John, spent the night with John. Had sex with John. 

John who was only having sex with him to protect us. To protect me and the babies in that room and the kids still soundly sleeping in their beds. Because if Da kept doing that, making John do that eventually he would end up going back to the hospital. Back to wood haven or he’d be leaving home in a body bag and never coming back.

“Your brother? John?” she asked me and I nodded my head in response as I finished diapering Mary and put her on the ground grabbing Andy’s clothes for the day and starting to dress him.

“He’ll be ok Will,” she said trying to reassure me, “Your brother has been doing this for a long time. He knows what he’s doing.”

“It’s not right,” I managed to barely whisper.

“No, it’s not,” she agreed, “However he’s made it this long. Even though he tried to commit suicide he’s still here and every day he wakes up he’s reminded about the good things when he sees you. Trust me.”

I wished I could. It was hard to believe that he still wanted to be here. I mean he had after all tried to leave because of Da, because of Leo. And when he was gone Leo had…I must have visibly shuddered because Debbie looked at me sadly.

“Are you cold? Are you feeling ok?”

“No. Yeah, I’m ok.” I insisted.

“Can I feel your head just to be sure, please?” she asked me to which I nodded standing up and going over to her as she put her hand on my forehead and held me still, “You don’t feel warm. How about you go and wake up the kids around 6. Go get yourself dressed first, ok?”

I nodded my head smiling at her. It was Wednesday. A mentor day. I knew it was a mentor day when I went to bed last night, but the anxiety was just starting to hit me as I finally started waking up. It was a day with Wallace. I hoped he was nice. That he just wanted to hold my hand and didn’t do anything else. 

Even if what he said made me nervous I wasn’t super worried about what he wanted to say to me. It was more what he wanted to do. He had made it clear he had heard from Lionel that he could touch me just not under my clothes. I was worried about where his hands would go. What he would make me do. How everyone would look at me.

I sighed before shutting my bedroom door. I had been walking around with the plug inside of me. Only because my body had still been mostly asleep and I had forgotten it was in. That meant my body was getting used to it. The fact that it didn’t hurt to move with it when it was inside of me anymore meant my body had become accustomed to it. Now that, that scared me. 

If they found out it meant it was time for them to move me up a size. That was something I didn’t want. I didn’t want one in the first place let alone a new one that was going to pinch and stab at my insides while I just simply tried to get comfortable enough to sleep let alone move. It was horrible. I don’t know how to describe how horrible it was being forced to sleep with an anal plug inside of me.

I remember almost going on autopilot as I got ready for school and went out to the bus stop. I don’t even remember what happened that day until we got to mentor hour. My whole body feeling cold. I think Finn noticed because he looked at me.  
“It’s ok,” he tried to assure me, “He really bothers you too, huh?”

“It’s…I’m ok,” I lied quietly as we entered the library.

“Hey, you can say you’re not ok. That he scares you. I know how scary he can be,” Finn whispered to me quietly.

“I just…,”

“Will, you don’t have to be strong for anyone here. We’re not your little brothers, ok? We’re your friends,” he insisted.

“He’s right,” Todd said, “You don’t need to pretend you’re ok when you’re not.”

“I’m not ok but, can we just…I don’t want to really…it’ll make it ….”

“Hey,” he said draping his arms around my shoulders.

“Not fucking funny,” Finn said shaking his head, “Er ist nicht etwas, das man abhängen kann, man besitzt ihn nicht.”(He’s not something you can hang off, you don’t own him)

“I know that,” Wallace said to him letting me go, “You guys are wound tight. This weekend has everyone nervous?”

“What do you think?” Todd said surprising me, “It’s not your ass everyone is going to be after.”

“If I were you, I wouldn’t worry about my ass too much,” Wallace said.

“What does that mean?” Finn asked frowning.

Wallace sighed heavily looking at the three of us, “Einer ist nicht wie die anderen, einer ist nicht einer von ihnen., Sein Haar ist zu dunkel. Wenn seine Augen nicht blau waren, könnte jemand denken, dass er nicht weiß ist. " (One is not like the others, one does not belong. his hair is too dark. If his eyes are not blue, someone might think he is not white.)

Finn gasped and shook his head, “Sie sind widerlich. Seine Haut ist blasser als unsere. Du hörst dich an wie Opa. Was fehlt dir. Und würdest du Will nicht begehren, wenn sein Haar nicht so blond wäre wie unseres? Soll ich ihm sagen, dass er es färben soll? Würde dich das von seinem Rücken holen? Es ist mehr falsch mit dir, als jemals erklärt werden kann. Ich wünschte, ich wäre mit keinem von euch verwandt.” (You are disgusting. His skin is paler than ours. You sound like grandpa. What's wrong with you? And would you not desire Will if his hair was not as blond as ours? Should I tell him to dye it? Would that get you off his back? There is more wrong with you than can ever be explained. I wish I was not related to any of you.)

Wallace just smiled and shrugged his shoulders, “Das sagst du immer. Du sagst viele Dinge. At least, until we’re alone. Then we both know what you say. Now why don’t you back off unless you want to tell your little friends all about it? And I’ll say it in English because I’m not a fucking pussy.” Wallace hissed, (You always say that. You say many things.)

Finn stared at him his eyes pratically on fire before he swept his hair out of his face using his hand. He looked somewhere between pissed and embrassed. He kept shaking his head in disbelief at Wallace as he fumed before he could no longer deal with it walking over to C-Dan and leaving Todd and I standing there with Wallace.

“I have no idea what you just said but, he seems pissed,” Todd bravely muttered.

“I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you. Honestly, if I were you I wouldn’t worry about anything,” Wallace said wrapping his arms around me again and placing his hand in the center of my chest.

It felt like getting hit by lightening. My body nowhere near ready for the touch my face feeling warm as I thought about how many people could see it. How many people were watching probably brotherhood and non-brotherhood alike. It wasn’t just like you would poke an enemy in the chest or a friend if you were joking. It didn’t even look like a hug you would give your brother I was sure, and everyone knew he wasn’t my brother. My face going red as I thought about it trying to gently untangle myself.  
“Just give it a minute,” he said resting his head on my shoulder.

I didn’t want to give it a minute I wanted him to let me go Father Van Zinger clearing his throat as he walked up to us, “Mr. Huber I think Mr. McGregor is slightly uncomfortable there. Can I talk to you for just a minute?”

“Huh, sure,” Wallace said walking away slightly with his teacher.

“You ok?” Todd asked me.

“Are you?” I asked.

“I’m all right. I mean I’m wondering where Rich is,” Todd said looking around, “Maybe he skipped today?” 

Just then Rich came down the library stairs and Todd sighed in disappointment Rich’s eyes on me as he approached us, “You’re related to him.”

“What?” I asked confused.

“John. That’s how I know your eyes. They’re his eyes,” he told me to which I nodded my head.

“My dad is his…,” I broke Rich off making him frown.

“I’m pretty sure I know who your Dad is,” I said, “It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that one your last name is Swartzman.”

Todd gave me a small smile as Rich’s face fell, “You always like this and I just fail to see it before or are you really just an asshole who insulted me? Because if I were you I’d be very careful who I insult this week. Who knows? Something bad might happen. Let’s go work at the computers,” he said nodding his head in that direction, Todd following him.

I stood there alone but only for a second or two before Wallace came over little slightly embarrassed himself making me wonder what Father Van Zinger had said to him. What was happening when he grabbed my forearm hard without saying a word starting to drag me up the stairs.

“You’re hurting,” I said quietly.

“Relax. I’m not upset with you,” he muttered without turning around to look at me just continuing up the stairs towards wherever he was making me go only turning around when we were in the last row of the stacks where one side was a wall and the other side was a row of books as tall as the eye could see. He nearly pushed me into the bare wall behind me using his body to pin me between the two my heart jumping.

What was he doing? What was he…it took everything in me to stay silent. To stay still as he looked at me his eyes raging like they were angry.

“Why do you have to be so fucking hot?” he asked me, “If you weren’t so sexy I’d be able to keep my hands to myself until we were other places, but you have to be so…” he sighed trailing off.

So, then people had noticed. I had been right. Someone had probably said something to Father Van Zinger, so he had warned him that he needed to keep his hands to himself. At least where people could see him.

“So, I was thinking this weekend I’d try to get my Vater to sponsor you, what do you think?” he asked me.

What? Sponsor me? I wasn’t even 100% sure what that meant. What any of it meant.

“God, I want to fucking kiss you. At least to start with,” he said.

No, no no….I moved trying to push him away. The only thing the action did was cause him to smile. Not today, not today please just not…just one day. That’s all I wanted was one fucking day. 

“P…please don’t,” I said shaking my head, “Please I really …”

“It’s ok,” he said the words stinging my ears before he even finished the sentence, “I’m not going to hurt you. I just want a kiss, that’s all.”

A kiss meant his tongue in my mouth, a kiss meant his hands, his hands on my skin. His lips on me. I didn’t want…I…

“What’s going on?” Some older guy asked coming down the aisle from behind Wallace, “Are you ok, kid?”

“He’s fine,” Wallace said turning around and looking at him finally giving me enough space to move away which I took the opportunity to do so.

“He doesn’t look fine Huber. Why are you such a fucking weirdo? You want to come with me kid?” The guy asked me.

He looked like a nice guy and was acting like he cared. It seemed like he cared but, I didn’t know how angry Wallace would be with me if I walked away with him. How I might be punished if he told Lionel I wasn’t obeying him. Especially when he was supposed to be my future contract holder or something like that.

I shook my head. I appreciated his help, I did I just wasn’t sure what to do.

“Taylor, come over here! We’re going to sit over here!” the guy screamed.

“Martel, he’s fine,” Wallace told him, “You just asked him if he wanted to go with you and he said no.”

“Kid is too scared to say anything,” Martel told him gesturing at me, “You think I’m stupid? Everyone knows you’re a pervert and a fucking faggot. You don’t need to be subjecting some kid to it. So, what are you working on?” Martel asked looking at me.

“Will, don’t talk to him,” Wallace told me.

I didn’t know what to do. If he told Lionel I wasn’t behaving I would be in a lot of trouble and I knew it. I felt like some how I was already in trouble but, I didn’t know how to explain it. The feeling that something was going horribly wrong right before my eyes and there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it from happening.

“He’s fine. Why can’t you just leave him alone?” Wallace asked him.

“Yeah, he looked fine all right. It looked like you were copping a feel. I think he can speak for himself,” Martel said, “Kid, are you ok?”

“Fine,” Wallace said his eyes dark as he shook his head at the guy, “Will, use your words. Tell him you’re fine.

I felt myself freezing. Why…why…why….but I had to hold it together. I couldn’t but…then it…he was going to be so pissed at me. So pissed that I wasn’t speaking when I should be. When I had been told to speak. He wasn’t there but it felt like someone just having to say it made it so he was aware. So, he was aware that I wasn’t being good. That I wasn’t acting like I was expected to my whole body feeling like it was starting to shake as I had to shake my head trying to clear it a little bit, trying to focus on what was going on in front of me instead of the feeling of…of everything.

“I’m fine,” I barely managed the words feeling thick on my tongue like I was going to choke on them if I didn’t spit them out. If I didn’t act normal. Martel blinking at me as if he didn’t believe me.

I wanted to scream at him. Of course, I wasn’t fine. At the bare minimum Wallace wanted to shove his tongue into my mouth at worst…I couldn’t even imagine what he wanted to do without throwing up.

“Are you sure?” Martell asked me, “Look if you think you’re in any…”

“Martell Jesus Christ!” Wallace said, “Are you like a cop or something? Did you magically graduate and pass the police academy in the last like 5 minutes? Leave him alone. He says he’s fine. You heard him say it.”

“Everyone saw how you were hanging off of him. Even if he’s fine with it, which he looked super uncomfortable there and he looks terrified right now, he’s way too young for you to be copping a feel. You understand?” Martel insisted as Taylor Cubbie finally came to join us.

Taylor was a non-brotherhood student just like Martel. He hadn’t been in my classes last year but, I had seen him around. He had blue eyes and dark blond, almost brown hair and was about as tall as I was. He seemed friendly but, brotherhood kids we tend to keep in our own little circles. 

“Why are we sitting over here?” Taylor asked.

“Because it’s quiet over here and you said you had math you needed help with,” Martel said like the excuse wasn’t one he had just pulled out of his asshole but an actual idea that had occurred to him.

“Huh, ok,” Taylor said sitting down a couple feet away from where we were all standing, “Hey McGregor, what’s up?”

“N…nothing,” I answered quietly.

“Do you ever feel weird being the like only British kid in a school full of Americans?” Taylor asked me suddenly.

“I’m actually American. I was born in New York and grew up from the time I was probably 5 or 6 in the UK. I started school there and moved back to the US last year. My mum is Irish and my Da is Dual citizen between the US and UK so, that’s where the accent comes from,” I explained.

“I didn’t know Connor was a dual citizen,” Wallace mentioned like they were pals.

I just nodded my head. I wasn’t sure what to say to him about that. I didn’t even know if he really knew my Da or if he had talked to him at all other than the night when we went to that thing. The night where he had…I wanted to get away from him. Needed to get away from him. 

Because Martel didn’t leave after that point, not even to go to the bathroom he didn’t touch me. He didn’t make me hold his hand or say that I was sexy or hot. He mostly left me alone to do my work while he worked on his. Martel still probably has no idea how grateful I was that day. How thankful I was that he didn’t leave me alone with him. 

I don’t remember too much happening the rest of that day besides a small party for Mac’s second birthday. I honestly think that was the only reason Da didn’t rape either John or I that night. Because it was Mac’s birthday. The only reason why Hank wasn’t there was probably because John had requested that Hank leave Mac alone, stay away. 

I think it was a favor to us because of what was coming. That he knew something bad was going to happen and that’s why he didn’t rape us. He made sure I put my anal plug in and left it at that. I don’t remember anything happening on Thursday either but, Friday. Friday is a different story.

Friday was the day or our first major test. It was a bad day already starting out Danny tripping me as I got on the bus. Like my life wasn’t bad enough. He glared at me as I got up.

“You better not fucking ace that test. If you do I’m going to make your life hell,” he hissed at me.

“THAT’S ENOUGH!! IN YOUR SEAT!” the bus driver yelled as Quinn helped me up.

“Are you ok? What did he say?” Quinn asked frowning at me.

“He’s worried about the test,” I told him.

“Everyone is worried about the test. That doesn’t mean he has to…oh,” Quinn said, “Don’t you dare flunk yourself for that fuck face. If he can’t keep pace that’s his problem, not yours ok?”

I just nodded my head. Danny, for the most part, had left me alone since Wallace had said something to him. However, that was the most physical Danny had gotten with me at that point. Tripping me. I knew it was only going to get worse.

“Hey I have a question since you’re…,” Quinn trailed off and I nodded my head understanding.

It was his way of saying I was his. The leaders without actually saying it. Without mentioning him.

“What’s the question?” I asked him.

“Did you find out anything about this…you know this weekend?” he asked me.

“Why are you asking me?” I asked him feeling weirded out.

“Well, I overheard Teddy and Teddy said you were good with computers and then you’re his. Not to sound crass about it, but…so I was wondering if you knew anything about it. That way we can know what to expect,” he explained.

“At 4,” I answered, “apparently it’s a regular thing that they do. Just like…like that.”

“Are you going to be there?” he asked me.

I nodded my head feeling my stomach twist in a knot. I had been to the one upstairs but, that was just Lionel and Jai. That was …I had no idea how many guys were going to be there. How many handlers or what it was going to be like. If it was going to be like my marking where they made me throw a die.

“It’s ok,” Quinn said, “Look we’re all going to be there. You won’t be alone ok? Are you more worried about the trackers or the handlers?”

I remember feeling my eyes go wide. The trackers? The trackers? That meant Wallace, and Rich and their friends. That wasn’t…were they going to be allowed to…?

“What?” I asked him.

“Wait, you’re a five. Untouchable. They aren’t supposed to touch you unless they have permission,” Quinn told me.

“What? That…what do the trackers do?” I asked feeling panicked.

“Well, they are in charge in the holding rooms. They make sure everyone behaves and tell Sasha and Sergei if they are doing anything bad or more importantly if anyone needs to see a doctor or anything like that. Like if someone is getting sick or if there are boys who have been marked or re-marked. They tell if anyone eats the food when they aren’t supposed to. 

If anyone needs to be watched more closely. If someone is called for they need to help Sergei make sure that boy is on the floor and they are in charge of helping make sure you don’t go over your rest time. Just like random shit. Usually, they are super mean. If you’re under five sometimes they just…it’s not fun. So I’m assuming it’s more the trackers you’re worried about?”

“Permission to touch me?” I asked my heart pounding somewhere in my throat.

“You’re his boy so I doubt he’d just let them but unless he’s telling you to wait upstairs like he did last time he’s probably going to be spending most of his time on the floor. At least you would think. But, I would think you were going to have a sponsor just because you’re you,” Quinn told me just as the bus pulled up.

I remember being on edge that morning even was father Cadrick passed out the test. I didn’t even really think about what Danny had said. Not at that point. I just took the test and answered to the best of my ability and then forgot about it my brain on overdrive as I started to panic. As I realized this was happening. I was going to be…

I remember my face feeling hot as I looked at Wallace once we got to the library. It felt like he was…he was seeing through my clothes as he smiled at me. He didn’t even really say anything to me but grabbed my hand pulling me upstairs with him. At first I thought he was going to take me to the stacks where he liked to sit with me but instead he started pulling me towards the bathroom.

And I wasn’t allowed to say no. If I made a scene everyone would see. If I said no, everyone would know. I didn’t want to go in that bathroom with him. Not even a little bit. I don’t know what I was expecting to happen but I remember fumbling through my blazer pocket and getting out my inhaler. Using it once we got into the bathroom even though my hands were shaking so badly I wasn’t sure I could hold it. Him just looking at me and smiling as I did so. As he watched me.

“Can I ask you about this weekend baby?” he asked me, “I heard you’re going to be there. Is that true?”

I nodded my head. I wasn’t going to lie. It wouldn’t help me any to lie.

“Do you want me to ask my Vater to sponsor you? I know I asked Wednesday but, you didn’t answer. I have enough tokens however usually handlers take precedence and then Recruits. The odds of you being available for trackers is slim unless my Vater sponsors you. Then I could fuck you like you deserve. We’d have fun.”

I felt my face burning as he said it. I didn’t want to have sex with him. I didn’t want to ever be with him. I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn’t want his Dad to sponsor me. I didn’t want to…

“Don’t cry. You know he wouldn’t be happy to hear you were making a scene at school,” he said the toes of his shoes touching mine causing me to back up and keep backing up until I had backed myself into the wall.

I didn’t want him…he was going to do some thing and I wasn’t allowed to say no. My brain snapping. Something inside me just breaking everything feeling slow with my eyes closed his nose rubbing against mine. His breath on my face as I kept my eyes squeezed closed. 

“Kiss me, baby,” he barely whispered as he wrapped my tie around his hand hard almost choking me before I felt his lips on mine. Before I opened my mouth to inhale the best I could his tongue slipping past my lips.

I wish I could say that I fought him. That I fought him off but the only thing I could think was that I wasn’t allowed to say no. To push him away. I wasn’t allowed to stop him as long as he didn’t go under my clothes. I wasn’t allowed to…

His lips breaking away from mine so he could breathe, “You tastes really good. Fucking amazing baby,” he whispered breathlessly, “You tastes good in other places too. You have to. God I wish you would just let me just…” he said his hand going to my pants and grabbing me.

No. No, no no….I didn’t…I cupped my own hand over my mouth because I was afraid. I was afraid I was going to scream and I couldn’t. If I did everything would go wrong and it would be my fault. Someone would get hurt and it would be my fault and I couldn’t…I didn’t want his hand there. I didn’t…my own words repeating, echoing in my head at the video premiere. At my video premiere _“fuck me Daddy…”_

“Shhh…,” he said whipping a tear from my cheek, “It’s ok baby. It’s ok to be nervous but, there’s nothing to cry about ok? I’ll ask my Vater. He’ll see if he can win the bid. It’ll be fine. You’ll see. Are you ready to go to our spot and sit down or do you want a minute on your own to wash your face off a little bit?”

“Can…just a minute?” I barely managed.

“Yeah, I’ll be in our spot ok?” he asked to which I nodded my head.

I probably didn’t breathe until he had left. I felt like I still couldn’t breathe. I remember gasping before deciding I needed to sit down and use my inhaler not even being able to catch my breath enough to try and make it to the stall instead sliding down the wall and sitting on the floor waiting to see if my chest would stop. If I would be able to breathe again on my own and finding it wasn’t happening. 

I wondered if it was worth it. If I was just going to be raped anyway all weekend long and if he was going to…if it was worth it to save myself my vision starting to dull before the bathroom door opened Todd looking at me, grabbing the inhaler that I was limply holding.

“You can’t. You can’t do this, come on,” he said shaking it and holding it up to my mouth to administer it, “Don’t do this to us. Don’t…you’ll be ok but not if you don’t fight. Think about your kid's man.”

That gave me the strength to do it. To breathe in and seal my lips around the spout. Take the medication and hold my breath for the count instead of allowing myself to struggle to get a normal breathing rhythm back. 

“There you go,” he said rubbing my back, “That’s it just breathe. Whatever happened you’re ok. Just breathe.”

I didn’t feel ok. I felt very far from ok. I didn’t want to have sex with him. I would rather die than have sex with him. With any of them. I felt beyond hopeless. I just didn’t want to deal anymore. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I hadn’t even walked through the door of that hell and I was done.

I felt like I couldn’t do it. If it hadn’t been for Todd reminding me of my little brothers and sisters and him being there I didn’t think I’d…, “How am I supposed to do this?” I barely managed to ask.

“The same way the rest of us do. You get angry. Angry enough that you can push away and just let them do it. Worry about how gross you feel when it’s over. When you’re back in the holding room. Ask to shower if you need to, lay down and sleep so you can go someplace else and then do it again. Rinse and repeat until it’s over and then forget about it until next time. I can promise you most of them will too. The handlers,” Todd said quietly.

“It’s not their body,” I said shaking my head.

“No, it’s not,” Todd agreed, “But we do our time and get out and eventually we’ll be so much more than they ever thought we could amount to. We don’t have to let them control us forever. Only for a little while, and then we get to walk. We get to rebuild everything they’ve tried to take from us.”

“How can you sound so sure?” I asked him.

“Because I know I’m more than a letter and number burned into my hip,” Todd said, “If Quinn has helped me realize anything, it’s that.”

“How is that going?” I asked him.

“It’s scary,” he answered surprising me, “I like…you have to understand, I know you probably do but all I’ve ever…is with older guys and he feels…”

“Different,” I answered for him and he nodded his head.

“I know he’s only a couple months younger than I am but sometimes I feel like I might hurt him. I don’t want to hurt him. Not ever,” he told me.

“Can I tell you something?” I asked him.

Listening to him talk about it took my mind off them, the party. Wallace. It made me remember happier things. Serious things but, happier. The way Beau had always asked me if I was sure, had repeatedly asked me if I was ok when we were together. How he had taken care of me in a lot of ways. In ways that no one seemed to care about before him and hadn’t cared about since.

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head.

“You can’t tell anyone. Not even Quinn right now ok?” I told him.

“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “I won’t tell. I promise.”

“When I was in Montana I had a friend. And stuff happened. He let me decide what I wanted. I told him about everything and maybe that made it different, I don’t know but, he always asked me what I wanted to do. He always made sure I was ok with what we were doing. He let me take charge a lot.”

“Wait,” Todd said his eyes lighting up in surprise, “You mean you’ve…?”

I nodded my head feeling my face flush, “It feels really different Really different from them. It’s a world away. It’s not…it’s still scary just in more of an exciting way I guess. It wasn’t just about him using me either he let me…I did things to him because I wanted to.”

“Like what?” Todd said before he realized what he was asking me, “Shit, sorry I did…”

“It’s ok,” I said, “I had that conversation with someone a while ago and when you don’t have an older brother I imagine at some point you ask a friend.”

“Have you ever…put your finger…you know… like…?” I stammered.

“You really do suck when it comes to talking about sex,” Todd said making me smile even as I felt how warm my face was.

“I’m sorry,” I said giving a small chuckle, “I wasn’t big enough for…to use my…shit.”

“Your penis? So you used your fingers?” he asked me.

I nodded my head as I swore my face went up in flames Todd laughing for a minute before he calmed down, “Sorry your face just went bright red for a second. So you’re saying that you put your finger in…”

Just then the door bursts open Wallace standing there his eyes nearly burning with anger, “What are you doing?”

“Sorry, I asked him a question. We got distracted,” Todd tried to excuse us.

“You don’t talk to people. You’re mine,” he said reminding me of Matt and how he was so possessive of Mike, “Come on.”

I didn’t want to go with him. I had been having fun and talking about sex and not like…I hadn’t felt dirty for once in my life. I hadn’t been freaking out but more embarrassed because I couldn’t find the words to explain it. To explain what it had felt like, what I had done. How he had made me feel so safe and like I was allowed to explore. Like I wasn’t expected to lay there or just do what I was told but like, I was allowed to discovery his body at my own pace and it had been exciting. It had felt nice. And here was Wallace again.

Wallace taking that away from me. Wallace looking at me like he was already stripping me naked. Like he already had me even though I didn’t want him to ever have me. Looking at me like I belonged to him.

“Come before I grab you by that tie again. It won’t be nearly as pleasant as what I did before,” he warned me.

Todd waved at me standing up, “I have to get back to Rich too I think. I’ll see you later?”

I just nodded my head Wallace staring at me as I got up looking at him, “Why didn’t you come out? I told you a few a minutes.”

“I took a few minutes,” I managed, “I just…he came in and we start…”

“You what? You better be keeping that to yourself because it doesn’t belong to you. Tonight it belongs to whoever pays for it and that will hopefully be my Vater so I can fuck you until you’re raw. Do you understand?” he asked me grabbing my crotch hard hurting me.

My eyes started to burn and my knees went weak as a horrible pain went up my spine his eyes going wide as if he had only just become aware of what he was doing letting me go.

“I’m sorry baby,” he said grabbing my hand as I winced in pain, “Are you ok?”

I just nodded my head as he gave me a second to gather it together before we went out back into the library. He held my hand. He mentioned several times how he was looking forward to that weekend while I struggled to breathe. While I struggled to think. The whole thing was horrible. It was so horrible that I was sick before I got to lunch and I ended up not going at all.

The rest of Friday is a blur until closer to bed time Da knocking on the door after everyone else had gone to bed, ‘How are you doing Honey?” he asked me quietly.

“I’m ok,” I said fidgeting nervously.

“How do you feel about my baby being gone on the weekends?” he asked me suddenly sitting down on the foot of my bed.

“I…I don’t know,” I said, “I miss him Da. I wanted home. It feels like he hasn’t been home in forever.”

“You miss him?” Da asked me putting his hand on my ankle above my PJ pants.

I knew what he was doing but, I knew there wasn’t anything I could do about it. That if I said no he’d threaten to hurt someone. I was already tired. I wanted to sleep and I figured since we hadn’t left we would probably be leaving sometime early the next morning for the Villa.

“As you have realized your uncle is back,” he said suddenly surprising me, “So I have a question.”

A question? I remember my mouth going dry. What question could he possibly have for me to answer? Was he going to ask me to fuck Uncle Ben instead? Uncle Ben who always told me I reminded him of Da, of the guy sitting at the foot of my bed started to rub my calve like he was trying to massage me, turn me on. What question could he have that had anything to do with him?

I nodded my head and he sighed but continued talking, “He wants to go to this party, however, the twins tend to be a handful for Debbie who is the one working this weekend for the most part while we’re gone. If he goes he’s bringing Jay as well as the twins. Jay would be in a private area with Daddy L. He might even pull you too because you’re helping transition him to suit Daddy L’s needs. But, the twins would be getting their mark.”

I felt my stomach drop. They were nine. They were nine years old and I…I had passed out. That pain was terrible not just the pain of being raped, gang-raped but the smell and feeling of my own skin burning. My body seizing up as the branding iron hit me. They were nine. I had been 10 and I had barely been able to handle it what made him think nine year old’s could?

“Or,” he said watching my face before continuing, “He’ll stay here. He’ll have his own little party at home just him and the twins. Jay will stay here safe and sound with the babies and he’ll keep the twins downstairs and just do his thing. Be here in order to help Debbie out if she needs assistance.”

So, he was going to either subject Mike and Matt to getting their skin burned off and getting gang banged or uncle Ben? Easy.

“Uncle Ben,” I said, “Make him stay home Da.”

“Ok, then you and I are going to do something,” he said pulling his shirt over his head, “We’re going to practice a little bit. I know you like to just lay there for the most part but that with Daddy L you’ve been practicing things too. We’re going to practice having you use verbal prompts and how to move your body. You’re going to be there with older boys. Boys about a year older than you are and up. You’re going to be the youngest one there and a lot of people are going to want to see you,” he explained, “So we’re going to work on showing you and helping you learn how to do things that will make the process go faster so you can play with more people.”

What? What had…Da stood up.

“Da, I…”

“You don’t the three of them are coming anyway,” he told me, “You really want Daddy L and his friends to have access to Jay? I know he’s important to you, that all your brothers are important to you. Daddy L isn’t…well, you know more about Daddy L in that department than I do, I’m sure. Do you really want him alone with Daddy L and his friends while you’re stuck downstairs playing? Or do you want to have to be there and help Daddy L keep him under control as him and his friends use your brother like that?”  
I shook my head. No, it was bad enough that he had made me…no. I didn’t want that at all. Not for James. He was too little. Way too little.

“Then I strongly suggest you behave here. I don’t have to keep this deal with you but, if you’re good I will. I promise,” he said looking at me taking off his pants so that he was naked, “Stand up and take off your clothes.” He said going over to the drawer and taking the key off the top of my window sill to open the drawer where he kept the lube or vaseline that he liked to use.

So, I was supposed to be gang raped tomorrow into Sunday evening and he wanted to…to practice. To make sure I knew what I was supposed to do. He wanted to have sex with me. Probably only because he was horny, and John wasn’t there and if I said no he’d do it anyway but he wanted to pretend it was a lesson. That it was something that would benefit me.

I sighed and stood up taking my clothes off as he flipped on the overhead light and adjusted the picture frame like he was being sneaky. Like he was sly and I didn’t know what it was. What was in it.

“I know that’s a camera Da,” I pointed out.

“I know you’re aware. You’re a smart boy,” he said hugging me by wrapping his arms around my waist, “A very smart,” he kissed my cheek, “very sexy,” he laid a small peck on my neck, “boy.” He said before he kissed my lips pressing against them with his tongue as he helped me pull my pants and boxers off.

I didn’t want to do it this way. I hated this. I didn’t want people to see it. To see me…have sex with him. See me do those things.

“Such a sexy boy,” he said stopping to pull my shirt over my head and throw the tub of vaseline on the bed.

“Da…,” I managed my chest starting to heave.

“It’s ok Honey, it will help you,” he said before following my line of sight to the hidden camera that I knew was there. That I suddenly wondered if it was turned on all the time. If people were watching me sleep and getting dressed and everything else. The idea creeping me out that they could see me all the time.

“It’s not a live feed. We don’t broadcast all the time,” he said like he was reading my mind, “You’re ok Honey, pretend it’s not there.”

“Da…I really…”

He broke off my words, “I don’t want to hear it. You’re doing this, or your brothers are coming with us tomorrow and your uncle. You want people to see that? To see your uncle and you together? Honestly, it might make them a little jealous I know how much you love your uncle. You want to keep them safe we do this my way, ok?”

So that was my real choice. I had to make a video with him or…or James, Matt, and Mike went to that party tomorrow. And who knew how many people that Da would let…that Lionel would let…have sex with them. Rape them.

I sighed heavily and nodded my head before I sat down as he smiled at me before he used his body weight to push me down into the mattress, giving me no choice but to lay on my back. To look at him.

“Be as loud as you want. I want you to talk dirty to me ok honey?” he said, “Just like you’re working on with Daddy L, like you do in your videos.”

“Aren’t we making one right now?” I asked him pointing out what I obviously knew.

“Yeah,” he said smiling at me and running a hand through my hair pushing my hair back from my face, “You smell good.” He said giving me another peck on the lips before he started kissing and sucking on my neck. He started kissing down my chest, “How about. We. Warm. You. Up?” he muttered into my skin as he kissed a trail down my stomach causing me to pant, causing my body to start to wake up. Making it hard for me to breathe. Making my anxiety sky rocket.

I hated oral sex by that point. Especially the way they usually did things. My whole body going tense as I prepared myself. Prepared to feel his hands there his mouth…

“SHHHH!!!” I muttered catching myself as his mouth completely skipped over my front and he started tongue fucking my asshole.

“You liked that?” he asked stopping as he wiped his mouth smiling at me, “Probably tastes better clean. Now what I want you to do is practice. Play with my hair, cup my head. Moan, telling me to eat your pussy. Encourage me with your words and sounds ok? Moan. I want you to be loud. Don’t worry about the babies or anyone because tomorrow is a weekend. So just…go with what you feel, ok honey?”

What? I remember feeling the thought deep in my spine, my center. I was supposed to encourage him. To say the things that…things that I didn’t want to say. That I hated myself for saying. For doing.

“Come on honey,” he said, “Do this right, I’m trying to help you.”

“Eat my…eat my boy pussy,” I managed even though I felt my whole body shaking as I said it. My whole being trying to rebel against me.

“Yeah?” he asked me his smile lighting up his eyes, “You want me to eat your pussy honey?”

I nodded my head, “Yeah Daddy, ea…eat my boy pussy.”

I closed my eyes and rounded my lips trying to just breathe. Trying to just let it happen his tongue hitting that spot again making me moan out as he took my hand and put it on the back of his head under my right leg. My legs were in the air slightly bent at the knees my body shaking.

It felt weird. It felt so weird his fingers suddenly joining the mix. I wanted it to stop. The way he was doing it was way too sensitive, his tongue trailing up my taint to my scrotum and sucking before he just drove in as hard as he could. It felt so physically good it was to the point where it was beyond uncomfortable. Worse than Lionel or Uncle Ben. Worse than anything anyone had ever…

“You’re supposed to be making sounds and encouraging me,” he stopped for a minute reminding me, “I can tell you like it. You’re so swollen.”

“I’m about to cum,” I blurted out before I could stop myself putting my hand over my mouth in shock.

“That’s good! That’s great honey! That’s the type of stuff I want you to say. Just make it…be more descriptive. Say stuff like I’m about to cum on your head or…that feels good, yes fuck me with your tongue just like that…those types of things ok?” he said getting excited about it, about the fact that I had said something like that.

I just nodded my head as he shifted his weight almost crawling up my body. At the time I didn’t even really think about it. About the fact that he didn’t make me cum because I honestly just wanted him to stop. I didn’t want him to finish me. I just wanted it to end wanted him to stop but instead, I felt his fingers go back into me starting to scissor.

“Da…,” I warned him.

“Hurting?” he asked me quietly kissing my collar bone and my neck.

I nodded my head. The way he was moving his fingers it hurt. Like he was pressing in too hard. Hitting something wrong making it pinch.

“Ok, I want you to make small sounds and just try to relax, try to push out against them like you’re trying to poop."

“What if I do poop?” I asked confused about what he wanted.

“Don’t worry about it. We’ll wash the sheets. This weekend some guys aren’t going to care as long as they get off so just relax and do what I tell you. Push out,” 

I nodded my head even as I gripped the headboard and whimpered. IT didn’t feel good. I wouldn’t say it was the most painful thing anyone had ever done but, it was highly unpleasant reminding me of Lionel in the limo the way he had fingered me. How it had hurt, how he could have made it hurt so much worse.

“At least I can tell you’re breathing,” he said every time I out a small moan when I inhaled because of how it felt, his fingers exploring my insides, “Tell me what you want honey.” He told me watching my face closely.

“I wa…I want yy you ttt-to fffuck me,” I barely managed my whole body feeling like it was shaking as my air got caught in my chest.

He leaned forward into me so he was closer to my ear, “Try to sound more convincing. Talk dirty honey. We have friends watching. Who knows you might get a sponsor. Trusts me it’s hot when boys talk dirty.

“I want you to fuck me,” I managed to keep my voice steady as he started rubbing the head of his penis against my hole.

“You sure?” he asked me kissing my chest some more causing me to fidget, to flinch as I made a sound somewhere between a whimper and humm. I wanted him to stop. He hadn’t even raped me yet and I wanted him to stop. If I ….If I told him no…I couldn’t live with myself if that happened because of me.

“Yes Daddy, I want you to fuck me,” I managed barely holding my tears back.

“Yes honey, of course, I’ll fuck you,” he said pushing into me, “God yes…oh you feel…you feel good honey almost as good as your brother. Now, this is what I want you to work on. Instead of pushing out I want you to squeeze those muscles together. Just slightly. Like you have to poop but, you’re trying to ke….AH!!!” he said loudly as I did what he told me too.

It didn’t feel good. It hurt. It felt like my body was trying to shove him deeper into me the sensation causing me to moan before he pushed slowly forward rolling his hips instead of pulling out.

“Tell me what you want,” he said leaning forward into me, “Here, wrap your legs around my waist.”

He grabbed me under my knees forcing my legs to wrap around his waist as best as he could which wasn’t that easy as he kept rolling his hips and I kept…he kept hitting that spot. The bed bouncing each time he rolled his hips making me cry out.

“Tell me what you want honey,” he coaxed.

“c…cum i…in ahahahahaaha, Da…D….D…,” I couldn’t even really get the words out as he started thrusting faster the whole bed shaking as I heard my own volume increase. I was a stupid slut.

I couldn’t even keep myself from moaning I was such a slut. A fucking whore. 

“That’s it. If you can’t speak do that. Make that sound sexy boy. God, you feel so good almost as good as…oh honey that’s it right there….you’re doing so good now use those muscles we…….” He went silent as my body did what he had told me to make it do. That hotness flooding my insides, “That’s right squeeze my love meat, get that milk out.”

He stilled and my chest started to loosen. The tightness in my lower chest fading into an ache. As he rolled off me and stood up, “That was perfect. That was great. You did great honey,” he said kissing my cheek. I’ll be right back.”

He went into my bathroom. I rolled over onto my side facing the wall curling into the fetal position. I remember wondering if…if it meant I wanted it. Because I had…my body had…in a way I had never consciously remembered doing it before. Instead of just lying there I had done things with him. Instead of just letting him kiss me or whatever my body had…I had…and everyone was going to know. Everyone was going to know what it felt like. That somewhere deep down I had to be a slut because it had felt good. My body had liked it enough to squeeze back, to …I remember closing my eyes and biting my lower lip trying to keep myself from crying too loudly. Because then I’d just be a stupid slut who begged to be fucked and whined about it after. Why would you whine about something when it wasn’t abuse? 

I thought he would be done but instead, he surprised me, picking me up bridal style and carrying me to the lift. I remember going limp and being too afraid to move. Too afraid to really do anything. I wasn’t sure what he was doing at that point but, I knew he wasn’t done. That he wasn’t ready to stop yet. I was confused when the lift opened on the third floor and there was a guy standing in the hallway wearing nothing but black jeans and a black sky mask.

“Da?” I squeaked.

“It’s ok. You’re practicing,” he told me sounding deadly serious.

So I was supposed to …with this guy. This guy I didn’t know. Or at least couldn’t tell if I knew or not.

“You’re right, he’s cuter than I remember,” the guy said flexing his arm muscles, “So this is to see how well he takes direction?”

“Yes. Obviously you know the camera is in there and on. I won’t be coming in for obvious reasons. Tell him what you want him to do. We’re focusing on positive vocalizing right now so nothing too rough. We want him to verbalize with as little prompting as possible. So you know you say “what do you want?” “Do you like that?” etc…” Da explained to the guy, “Honey I know I don’t need to remind you that if you don’t do this the way you’re supposed to something bad is going to happen.”

I nodded my head. It was midnight. He’d just …and now he was letting some other guy do it. Some guy I didn’t know. I could feel my body shaking. I just wanted to anywhere else Da putting me down my feet that were shaking.

“Now remember the camera is rolling and Tony is going to go through it so get your introductions out of the way and tell him what you want,” Da said, “I’ll be next door.”

“Yep, thanks,” the guy said.

I wasn’t sure if it was because I didn’t expect it or because of something else but I jumped when he pulled his ski mask off looking at me. His eyes looking almost sad about what was happening. Like maybe he wasn’t into it. His skin a tan color making it hard to tell what his ethnicity was. 

“I’m Sam. Do you remember me?” he asked me.

No. I shook my head using my hands to cover myself because I was naked. It was weird. I wasn’t sure what to say or do my face burning as he looked at me as I realized how much of me he could see.

“You’re beautiful,” he told me looking at me, seeming sincere, “Not to…scare you but, you are.”

I remember taking an intense interest in my feet. Not wanting to be near him. He was there to rape me. To have sex with me when I didn’t want to have sex. To help me practice making it interactive, doing what I was told and …

I exhaled deeply and then looked around to see if Da had really left before I dared to say it as quietly as possible, “I don’t want to be here.”

“I know,” he said at a normal volume nodding his head, “And that’s ok but, it’ll be worth it. Trust me, I’ve been told I’m good at what I do. Especially on camera. I’ll make sure you enjoy it.”

No. Why wasn’t he getting it? I didn’t want to enjoy it, I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to…he sighed putting his ski mask back on, “We’re supposed to work together on this. You’re supposed to try and enjoy this. Honestly I remember being where you are. One of the best lines I can give you that is a dead go to; “Oh yes, fuck me daddy.” And lots of moaning. A ton of moaning ok? If you can’t find the words in there if your brain blanks the fuck out just moan. Moan like you’re eating a piece of candy you haven’t had tasted in years and it’s your favorite candy. If I tell you to sit on my face, I mean it. Sit on my face. Don’t worry about crushing my airway or shitting on me, just do what I want you to. 

“Are you going to tell me that?” I asked him an expression of shock probably displayed obviously on my features.

“It looks good on camera. It will give a good angle. They want to see you, not me. But having you on my face while I use some oral talent and you stimulate yourself will look nice, yes,” he warned me.

No. I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to…

“Don’t cry. I seriously suggest you don’t cry,” he said his voice hard, “Look I’m here to do a job just like you. I understand you’re not used to me so it’s harder but that’s apart of why I’m here. You don’t know me. These guys tomorrow you’re not going to know them but you’re going to be expected to tell them to fuck you. To moan like you enjoy their dick up your ass. To engage with them, to kiss them, to wrap your legs around them to move your hips and your body and get them off your table and onto the next one as soon as possible. Think of yourself as an interactive sex toy. You’re supposed to do what you have to in so they get bored,” he told me.

“Each guy that’s slightly different but I’m going to be honest there are plenty of guys that are there that like quiet boys. They’re going to want to spend more time with you because you’re a quiet boy you get loud and “oh yeah that’s it fuck me daddy fuck me hard… they are going to get bored they are going to cum and they are going to go to someone else. Being a bottom your goal should be to get those Daddy’s to nut within 20 minutes. Remember you’re acting. You don’t have to really like what’s happening. Just listen to your body. Pretend you like it. You’ll do fine.”

So I had to pretend I was ok with this. With what he was…he opened the door and stepped aside to let me walk into the room. The room where we were going to have sex. The room where I had had sex with Lionel and Teddy, the room where he had made my little brother touch me. I couldn’t. I went to shake my head Sam picking me up and throwing me over his shoulder smacking my ass almost hard enough to make me cry before he flipped me over his shoulder again and had me hit the bed hard. 

It was a rather soft mattress and I was young so it didn’t hurt me as much as it could have but it did make me a little dizzy the room swaying slightly as he climbed on top of me his mask in place, his lips all over my chest and neck before he muttered those words, “What do you want me to do?” he asked me.

So this was the test. This was where I….I remember my eyes rolling with the sway of the room, “Fuck me, Daddy,” I managed hoping I didn’t sound robotic knowing that my brothers were depending on me to get this right as he laughed lightly and kissed the center of my chest before getting up and grabbing something that was on the night stand, a condom. 

So at least I didn’t have to do it that way. To have him rape me that way. I exhaled deeply thinking about how much easier that made it. Knowing he wasn’t going to come inside me. Knowing I didn’t have to feel that on top of the stickiness of the lube. For some reason that relieved some of my anxiety even as I laid there practicing deep breathing the bottom half of my chest feeling tight or heavy like I had something sitting there. 

At that point, I knew what that meant. That I was getting ready to have an asthma reaction. When it was a panic attack I felt the tightness or more sharpness in my whole chest at once but when it’s an asthma attack it starts lower in my chest above my stomach almost like my lungs are filling with water or some sort of pressure that no longer escapes when I go to breathe out until it gets painful and then I start wheezing, sometimes coughing too but mostly wheezing and then that’s when my lips start turning blue and I need my inhaler unless I use an inhaler before that point.

“I need …..I…..inhaler,” I let Sam know while he dropped his pants and started putting the condom on.

“You have a medical issue?” he asked me his head snapping in my direction.

I nodded my head, “asthma,” I managed rolling over onto my stomach trying to catch my breath.

“Ok, I’ll be right back,” he said opening up to the door and walking out.

If my chest hadn’t been so tight I probably would have been more worried about the camera blinking at me but honestly, it was so hard to breathe I probably wouldn’t have been able to get up if I tried. He came back waving the inhaler back and forth before he gently threw it at me. And he patted my back as I used it.

“You ok?” he asked me sounding like he might actually be worried about me as I nodded my head.

“Is it anxiety induced?” he asked me to which I nodded my head again and he laughed lightly, “You do go quiet. Ok, let’s get this going.” He said grabbing my inhaler and putting it on the nightstand next to us as he leaned over top of me pressing his penis against mine making my eyes go wide.

I had sword fought before just only with…with Beau. If I closed my eyes I could see him. See his smile and almost feel his laugh as he rested his hand on my hip. As we played with each other’s bodies. This wasn’t Beau though.

“You want me?” Sam whispered nipping at my ear lobe.

“Mhm,” I managed to answer nodding my head.

It wasn’t that I wanted him at all. Only that if I closed my eyes tight enough I could remember Beau. That if I closed my eyes tight enough I could do it right and make sure my brothers were safe his penis sliding underneath mine and past my shaft into my scrotum making me gasps as he pushed against me like that. 

“You want it?” he asked me his voice deep and making my chest vibrate as he rested his body against mine.

Did I want it? No. No, no….it…he leaned in as if to bury his face in my neck and kiss me whispering in my ear, “Just say it.” He whispered.

“I want…. Your….. cock… I want… your cock…I want…Ahhhh!” I managed gripping his shoulder tightly as he pushed into me surprising me stealing my breath.

“You weren’t ready for that huh?” he asked me.

I shook my head.

“You need a second?” He asked me to which I nodded my head, “Ok, you need to use your words more. These guys…are closing their eyes. They are into it. They are into your ass around their dick you need to use your words and your voice if you want them to pay attention ok?” he told me.

“O…ok. I need a second,” I said, “I need….”

“You want to move? We can do something different,” he said pulling out and getting on his knees beside me, “Flip over sweetheart. On your stomach.”

On my stomach. Ok. I could do on my stomach better. At least this way I didn’t have to watch him rape me. He kissed my shoulder and the sighed, “Just so you know most of them are going to want to watch your expression. So you’re going to want to be able to take it from a missionary style. So I suggest that when they go to push in you…”

“You didn’t warn me,” I said.

“Excuse me? I’m here to help you. Ok? I’m helping you here. I don’t have to do this. Your Handler doesn’t have to do this for you. When you told me you wanted my cock you should have pushed out with those muscles because I’m betting I pinched didn’t I?” he said.

“Yes,” I agreed nodding my head.

“That’s because you didn’t push out in time. You need to push out. Are you ready now?” he asked me.

“Yes,” I said nodding my head.

“What do you want?”

“I want your cock,” I said pushing out as I arched my back up and got on my knees making a sound between a hum and a moan as he pushed in.

He was bigger than Da. But it only felt uncomfortable and not painful from behind even though he was in there resting his weight on my back as he grabbed my hips before moving his weight off me so he was on his knees upright instead of leaning over me.  
“You have a really nice ass,” he told me smacking it lightly, “It bounces real nice.”

What was I supposed to say to that? I didn’t like knowing that he could see my ass. Being reminded that he was inside of it. The feeling of him being still inside of me making me fidget making me flex.

He grunted slightly as I moved trying to find a comfortable way to do what I was doing, his hand moving to the small of my back and rubbing up and down, “Calm,” he told me, “calm. I’m in charge remember? You make requests you don’t just do.”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head and exhaling deeply trying to control my discomfort and stop moving.

He thrust forward into me causing the whole bed to bounce slightly. I didn’t like what was going on. I didn’t like the way it felt like he was poking me in the stomach from the inside. As I kept my face down wrapping my arms around the pillow under my head.

“You feel good,” he told me his thumbs pressing into my hips socket from the front as his pelvis slapped up against my ass making that smacking sound.

“Does it feel good?” he asked me

“Yeah…f…ff…fuck…me,” I managed between pants.

“Yeah?” he said sounding excited that I’d said it, that I had told him to fuck me, to pound my ass the way he already was.

I was trying to get outside of my head like he had suggested. Trying to listen to my body that was warm and tingling in the places where I knew he wanted it to. Where they all wanted it to and I was trying to embrace it even though my brain kept panicking. Kept telling me how I felt about it. That I was disgusting, that I was a slut, a whore. That I shouldn’t be responding to what was happening.

“You’re making this sound like you’re a kicked dog. It’s kind of hot though,” he told me as he started to slow his pace, before he stopped and pulled out, “You did good. I’ll let him know, ok?”

With that, he got up and just walked out. I remember being frozen and confused. Really confused. Usually, I was used to guys finishing. At least themselves even if they didn’t finish me but, he just got up and left. The whole thing making me wonder if I had done something wrong. Making me wonder why that had happened before Sam came back into the room and turned off the camera without saying a word before he grabbed his pants off the floor and left again shutting the door.

Did I do something wrong? I remember thinking that, panicking. If I did something wrong I was in huge trouble. Major trouble and I knew it. And so were my brothers. No, I couldn’t have messed up that bad. Please…please just give me one more…  
“Hey honey you…”

“Da please! Please don’t punish them! Don’t ….please I’ll do better, I’ll do better please,” I begged him even though I couldn’t feel my legs. 

“Honey you didn’t do anything wrong. No one is getting punished, ok? He’s doing what he was told. It was just his job to see if you could follow directions. You still need some work but, that’s ok. I feel like you did good enough that with a little more hands-on practice you should be fine, ok? He didn’t stop because you were bad, he stopped because he was finished doing his job. That’s all it was,” Da assured me.

What? So he was supposed to rape me but…? That had never happened before. Someone raping me and not finishing. One of us always finished. Always. It was surreal to me. The idea that someone could rape me just because they were told to but, they weren’t given permission to finish. Someone always finished.

“You look confused, honey,” Da said sitting down on the bed next to me and rubbing my back, “Are you ok?”

“He…he…he…did…didn’t…,” I tried realizing how bad I was stuttering and inhaling before rounding my lips and exhaling deeply trying to calm myself down, “He didn’t…”

“Finish?” Da said helping me to which I nodded my head.

“He was told he had 30 minutes. If no one was satisfied by the end of 30 minutes he still had to stop. He went for 30 minutes neither one of you finished. That’s ok, he was doing as he was told. The idea wasn’t for anyone to be finished but to see how you handled the stress of being with someone you hardly know because there are going to be a lot of guys there that you hardly know or haven’t ever seen before that are going to be playing with you. You did well. You tried your best to follow directions, you made very very sexy sounds when you couldn’t words out. You did great. That’s exactly what Daddy L and I are looking for, ok? We just don’t want you to embarrass us. As long as you remember it isn’t abuse it’ll be fine,” he told me giving me a smile.

But, if it wasn’t abuse why did I feel so gross? But then again if I didn’t want it why did I feel so dirty? I was doing something good for my brothers so why did I feel so bad? Why didn’t I…? 

“do it just like that. If you get too nervous to speak that moaning you kept doing? That was hot do that tomorrow ok? If someone tells you to do something do it. Like you did with your legs when you were with me. You did a good job. Just try and remember that stuff tomorrow. Don’t embarrass me, ok honey? I love you” Da said rubbing my back before he got up and turned off the overhead light.

I thought he was going to leave. Leave the bedroom or tell me to go back upstairs but he didn’t instead he climbed into bed with me wrapping himself around my back and kissing the nape of my neck, “it’s ok to be stressed. You did well though honey, really well. Just try and remember that for tomorrow ok? I know it’s stressful. Just close your eyes and pretend they are someone you want to be with like me or your uncle or Daddy L, ok?

I didn’t want to be with any of them. I was afraid of them. They just reminded me of how bad I was. Reminded me of how disgusting I was. It was for them. I remember telling myself that all night. That it was for them. It was the only way I had to protect them.

I had done it for them. I couldn’t imagine being able to do any of that, anything at the Villa and being younger than I had been at my marking. I couldn’t imagine being able to deal with Jai at six years old or any of the other they might subject my kid to, my bud. I knew why I had agreed to it but it didn’t make me feel any less gross. Any less slutty and then he was holding me. I was dirty and I hadn’t showered and he was holding me and his cum was inside of me and I just…I felt like I couldn’t breathe even though I was breathing. Swearing to myself that Mike and James would never know because then they could never blame themselves. They could never say it was their fault that I had agreed to it. That I was nasty because I had done it for them. 

I wouldn’t let them do that to themselves.


	70. Chapter 70

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1779 to 1816. There's a lot going on here. A lot of talking about prep and stuff that John doesn't talk about really. I'm not sure I covey how invasive it really is but, I tried. **Warnings: Forced grooming, forced waxing, nudity, anxiety, mental health issues, talk of sexual abuse, talk of branding, talk of rape/non-con, rape off script.** It is interesting to see the differences in the way they describe things here I hope you enjoy. **John POV part 2 Chapter 26**

He woke me up with a kiss on the back of my neck. Much like he had said goodnight unwrapping himself from me. I hadn’t slept well. I kept dreaming of hands. Hands without a body all over me, all over my skin. Choking me, touching me, going inside me. My mouth, my ass, one even putting a finger up my nose for some reason. The whole thing making me feel gross and causing me to wake up groggy.

“How about you go upstairs and shower honey, ok? I know you’re going to get a more thorough cleaning when you get there but, still,” he said getting up.

I nodded my head sitting up slowly and looking at the clock. It was 7am. Later than Da usually went to work on the weekends if he worked them but earlier than everyone usually woke up on the weekends too. When I crawled out of bed headed for the door Da whistled at me.

“I need to do you from behind occasionally. You have a really nice ass. I can understand why Lionel loves it so much from this view,” he told me making my face burn.

With that I headed to the lift and upstairs. I wasn’t surprised when I didn’t find anyone awake. I was more thankful than anything. I hated people seeing me even a little undressed most of the time and there I was naked walking down the hallway to my room and bathroom.

When I got into the shower I noticed the box cutter sitting in my shower caddy which was somewhere I didn’t remember leaving it but, I remember staring at it. Wanting to use it in hopes that it would drain something away. Something bad. The thing that made me bad. I felt like cutting would help make whatever there was that attracted them to me lessen so maybe not as many of them would want to be with me. To touch me like all the hands in my dream.

I probably spent most of my shower staring at the box cutter, wondering if it would be worth it before realizing how long I was taking. How much trouble I’d be in if I took any longer. Eventually I found it in myself to wash and then leave. There was an outfit on the bed already. I figured Da had picked it out for me, so I put it on.

When I left my room, there was a bowl of oatmeal on the kitchen island with my name on a note next to it in Da’s writing, “I suggest you eat this.”

I sighed before I turned around and knocked on the nursey door looking for Debbie.

“Come in,” she said quietly.

“Debbie?” I remember asking my voice coming out timider than I meant for it to sound. 

“I’m sorry, kid,” she said shaking her head, “You’re on your own today. Your Dad said if he found us talking you were in deep shit, so I suggest you just,” she muttered something under her breath that I couldn’t hear, “suck it up. Go eat your oatmeal ok?”

I felt like I’d been punched. John wasn’t there, Pat, Cole, mum…no one was there, and Alice wasn’t there. And I had just…and 

“Right,” I said feeling more shocked than anything else, “Right I’ll just…” I said walking away.

I had no one. I hastily wiped the tear away that was streaming down my cheek and dried my eyes and ate my oatmeal. I didn’t understand why Debbie was mad at me. What I’d done. My brain not connecting that maybe she wasn’t mad at me at all but just frustrated that she couldn’t do anything to help me. That she didn’t want me in trouble for talking to her, for asking her to intervene when she knew she couldn’t. That there was nothing she could do to help me, and she didn’t want to give me false hope that there was.

At that point I didn’t see it that way though. I saw it as her rejecting me, refusing to comfort me because I was just a stupid slut. Because I wasn’t worth comforting my throat feeling thick as I choked down my oatmeal. I told myself I couldn’t cry. That I wasn’t allowed to cry that day because it wasn’t abuse. If they didn’t hit me it wasn’t abuse. That I would be ok if I didn’t end up with Ern as a sponsor. Because if Ern was my sponsor than…

Than everything fell apart. My world ended. He would never keep his hands off me. He would never let me live it down. Him trying to hold my hand for two hours three times a week would be the least of my problems.

He’d tell everyone. He’d let every other tracker know that I was his. He’d find a way to make sure even more so that he would be my next contract holder. He’d tell people I was his boyfriend. Who knew what else he would do to me? Rape me at school in the bathroom? He’d already come close to it. And there wouldn’t be anything I could do to stop it from happening. I’d just be his. That’s all there would be to it, I’d be his.

The lift turned on shortly after I finished eating and Da came upstairs smiling at me and briefly exchanging a look with Debbie before he walked up to me and hugged me. “Honey, you don’t need to be nervous. Remember everything from last night, ok?” he told as I looked at him, “Honey, don’t do this. Don’t do that thing you do.”

I knew what he was talking about but, I couldn’t find it in me to talk without crying. Without getting myself into trouble and Da going back on everything he said. If I cried he’d make them come with us. He’d punish them. He grabbed my hand.

“Come on, we’ll have fun ok?” he told me. I nodded my head.

He meant he’d have fun. That I’d be a toy for people to have fun with. People were going to use me to get off. I mean sure, they’d be using condoms and that would be refreshing but, otherwise, it would be what I imagined to be worse than being with Da and Uncle Ben and Lionel. He grabbed my hand and took me to the lift. 

I felt numb. He explained why he put the zip ties on and put the bag over my head but, I can’t for the life of me remember the reason. I felt like I blinked, and I was there. Instead of like my first couple of rides to the Villa where it took forever. Da grabbing the zip tie around my wrists and pulling me gently out of the car which I was thankful was the Mustang so there wasn’t a huge drop to the ground.

“Now remember everything you talked about with Sam and me,” he said kissing my cheek as he pulled the bag off my head.

Sure enough, we were there. We were at the Villa and…I remember closing my eyes trying not to think about what was going to happen. How once I went in there they were going to stick that hose into me, rinse out my insides and make sure I was clean. How they might even cut my hair.

“Da NO!” I heard loudly causing my eyes to snap up from the ground John looking at me like he wanted to cry for me Da pulling on the zip tie around my wrists to remind me that I was in his care. That here I had to behave Leo smiling the words out of his mouth surprising me.

“Hey, Connor. How is your younger one?” Leo asked like he didn’t know my name. Like he didn’t know who I was when he had…

“He’s fine it’s not his first ride. A little nervous probably,” Da answered him, “It’s his first real party besides his induction so I think that’s making him a little upset. Isn’t it honey?” Da asked me.

I didn’t want to be there. Leo’s reaction making me wonder if Lionel was going to pretend the same way. If it was a show for John so he didn’t get upset. So, he didn’t know. The idea striking me that maybe it was better that way. Maybe it was better if he didn’t know.

Da started pulling me forward again giving me no choice but to follow as my heart started pounding even faster. I remember looking at the ground. Afraid of what he would say, do. His voice reminding me of nails on a chalkboard.

“Welcome,” he said, “I see you brought one of the special little ones with you.”

“Yeah, it was time for him to come back,” I heard Da say before he let go of the zip tie his hand pushing me forward rather hard causing Lionel to catch me before I fell into him. 

I remember my face feeling warm, really hot. His hands on my biceps as he looked at me, held me away from him. How he commented that I was tall and then Da agreed. How he said that was ok before he put his hand on my chin tilting my face upwards, so my eyesight was level with his chin. So that I was kind of looking at him.

I didn’t want him touching me. His voice deadly serious as he lined up to push into James, “Do it or I’ll do it and you know it will hurt.” His voice in my head repeating all those things, “If you feel the need to be tied up you also feel the needs to have bones broken and they might not be yours.” “If you want to cry we’ll show you what real abuse is.” All the horrible things he had ever said to me. How he had grabbed that boy’s little fingers and bent them backward when I hesitated when I told him no. When I…

“How are you still so delectable? Hmm?” he whispered into my ear before Leo cleared his throat behind us.

“Well, are we going inside?” Leo asked, and I could feel his eyes on my back, on Lionel.

“Of course, sorry,” Lionel said smiling and moving aside allowing all of us to step into the house Leo shutting the door behind him as he entered the room last, “You know the rules gentlemen, clothes off from this point.”

“Right of course,” Da said as he started undressing.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. There was nothing keeping Da from calling Uncle Ben up and telling him he had changed his mind that he wanted Mike and Matt there. I didn’t want to give him an excuse to do that. Not after last weekend. I wouldn’t do that to Mike. Not again.

I exhaled and pulled my shirt over my head wanting to cover myself. Feeling more naked than I’d ever felt in my life. Leo saying something causing my attention to go to him as I undid my jeans and let them slide to my ankles.

“Of course, I know the rules. Why do you think this one is only wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants?” he said John making a small sound in the back of his throat as Leo grabbed him and started grinding on him. Almost pushing John’s pelvis backward into his so that he was grinding himself against John’s ass my face going red as I watched. As I imagined how embarrassing that was.

“That one can be skittish,” Da said kicking off his shoes as he finished unbuttoning his shirt, “He’s sweet though.”

“Oh yeah,” Leo said, “Very, very sweet in a lot of different ways.”

Lionel looked at me and smiled, “Yes, god he’s blushing. He’s adorable. I have to say that in that aspect the two are nothing alike. Will blushes more but isn’t nearly as twitchy.”

“Very true, Will, tends to freeze. However, if you give John the right motivation he can be more than accommodating too,” Da mentioned pulling off his pants as I finally found the courage to lose my last piece of clothing and pull my underwear down wanting to use my hands to cover myself but, knowing I couldn’t. That if I did I was risking someone getting hurt. Someone that I didn’t want to hurt. 

I was tired of things being my fault. Of James being my fault, and the things that happened to Mike especially. I didn’t want them there no matter what it cost me. So, I didn’t cover my body Lionel smiling at me, his eyes lighting up like he was proud of me. Making my face feel beyond hot. Making me feel almost like it was on fire as I looked at the white marble flooring.

“Hey Dad, he’s not getting undressed can I…?” I heard the other guy with us say looking up and realizing it was Rich. My brain finally registering the fact that he was there. 

That’s why he had said I had his eyes. John’s eyes because he liked him. He …just like Wallace liked me. 

“Ask Mr. Lord,” Leo said dismissively like he didn’t care. Like his contract, my brother, his feelings didn’t matter to him.

He was supposed to matter to him. We were supposed to matter to them and we didn’t. We really didn’t. It sucked. It sucked realizing the guys that were supposed to care about you, didn’t.

“Sir?” Rich asked before taping Lionel on the shoulder and leaning forward, “I think I have enough tokens. If I do can I play with him some?”

Lionel smiled at me and then almost laughed raising an eyebrow at Rich, “Really? He’s your type? Go for it.” he said him looking at John, looking him up and down before looking at me, “You have hair now. When did that happen William?” he asked me not using his nickname for me, which surprised me, but I figured it was to cover. So, John didn’t know, had no idea I was his.

“I…,” I barely managed feeling like my face was suddenly burning as hot as the sun, “I…I don’t…I don’t…know.”

“It’s nothing to be ashamed about,” Lionel tried to assure me, “Bodies change. Do we have to milk you soon?” he asked me.

“I haven’t shown him any methods yet really,” Da said seeming amused about the situation. About the fact they were talking about my thin light colored pubic hair. The first bit of pubic hair that I had.

I heard the struggle going on beside me but, I couldn’t look. I couldn’t…Not when they were talking about my body. Not when that guy was doing to my brother the same things Wallace did to me.

“John,” Da said chastising him, “Behave and be nice to your friend.”

Everyone turned their attention to him, to what was happening Lionel looking at me turning me around so that I was looking too and draping himself over my back, my naked 11-year-old back, resting his weight on me.

“You should watch,” he told me quietly, whispering in my ear so he didn’t disturb anyone with his talking, “Isn’t your brother beautiful little one? Don’t you want to see someone show him how wonderful he is? How special he is?” he said his volume dropping even lower as he whispered the last part in my ear before kissing my earlobe from behind his hands trailing down my sides making me jump slightly.

My whole body freezing as I tried to stay present and not push away from my body, from what was happening because I was supposed to be good. I was supposed to interact. To pretend I wanted it. In order to do that I had to be there. I had to feel what he …. I shifted a little bit in his arms before jumping when I heard John’s voice. His protest surprising me.

“What happened to your Dad’s sloppy seconds?” he asked Rich.

“Aww shit, why did you have to remind me of that?” Dick said pulling his hands away from John’s body like he had somehow set him on fire.

“We can share,” Leo said shrugging his shoulders like it was no big deal. Like they were talking about a sweater or an appetizer at a restaurant and not a person. Not my older brother. 

“No, never mind,” Rich said shaking his head.

“Fathers and sons share boys all the time,” Lionel said shifting away from me slightly as everyone’s attention was drawn to him when he spoke, “it’s ok to do that, you know? Love the same boy, look at him,” he said nodding his head at John, “He’s beautiful. Those green eyes glow like emeralds. You can’t deny how pretty they are. I know from experience they look great when the pupils are dilated with fear,” he said making me cringe.

He wasn’t talking about John. He was talking about me. About my eyes, my fear. How I reacted. 

“No thank you, sir,” Rich said quietly, “I’m good.”

“Ok, suit yourself. Maybe you’ll change your mind later. If you do, help yourself,” he said as Leo’s shadow moved. As I was pretty sure Leo was making sure John undressed the rest of the way before I heard Lionel speak, “This way, guys. If you will,” Lionel said leading us down and to the right through that door.

The door that usually led to the holding areas as they ones called it where they got ready for their days of sexual slavery. Where we were to be groomed and cleaned before we were subjected to the whims of nasty old men who saw as us nothing but sex toys.

“Sasha should be here momentarily boys. Rich I know you’re on tracker duty tonight but, if you get called to the tables you know how it goes,” Lionel said touching the top of my head before he walked back making sure the door was locked closed behind him.

“Are you ok?” John asked causing me to look up.

Was I ok? I was about to be raped. I’d been told that if I didn’t interact it would be our little brothers who were going to be raped too. That it was up to me to keep them safe. 

Was I ok? I wanted to scream. I wanted to cut, I wanted to bleed until whatever it was that made them want me was gone. Until I had no blood left in my body because I was sure that was the only way to make sure it was all gone.

I shrugged my shoulders, “Yeah, I’m all right. You?”

“Scared,” he answered back quietly.

I wanted to tell him that it would be ok but, I didn’t feel like it would be. I didn’t feel like anything would be. It felt like it always felt. Like the world might as well be ending.

“Are you getting a sponsor?” Rich asked me instantly drawing my attention as I realized he was naked, “Aww no need to…”

“Don’t fucking talk to him!” John snapped looking at Rich.

“But, we know each other. Don’t we sweetheart?” he asked me as I put my hand over my eyes.

Why did he have to be naked too? I didn’t get it. And he was…really naked. Completely naked. My brain trying to focus on something else anything else.

“Do you like what you see? I think someone is going to be jealous to hear that,” Rich said.

“I’m fucking serious, don’t talk to my brother!” John said again his voice deathly calm almost like Da’s got when he was really angry with you.

“Fine, chill,” Rich said shaking his head, “God, are you wound tight.”

Just then the door at the other end of the room opened Sasha standing there like he was bored, “Come you prep now.” He said in his thick accent moving aside so we could all pass through the door. 

Someone else was holding a door open. The prep room. It seemed busier than it usually was. In fact, there were two or three prep rooms open instead of just the one someone coming up to us with a clipboard, “names?” he asked.

He was a recruit. He had to be. His gray eyes so gray they almost looked ice blue standing out starkly against his dark brown hair as he blinked at us, “Come on, names. I don’t have all day. And all three of you need a wax.” He said marking something down on his clipboard, “Blondie, name.”

“Will,” I answered quietly.

“Last name. I don’t care what your fucking first name is.”

“You will in a minute,” Rich muttered, “Their brothers.”

“AH!” the guy said writing something down on the paper he was using, “What’s the last name since they are deaf or dumb or maybe both.”

“Just nervous kids,” Rich answered, “McGregor. The redhead is John and the blond is Will.”

“Thank you,” the guy said, “I would say they don’t need any cuts just a wax and a clean-up. Probably all the way.” He ripped the paper off the clipboard, “You go over there and stand in that line,” he said handing the paper to me and pointing at an area where they had curtains up around a group of what looked like examining tables.

I glanced at the paper he had given me it said “inter. Clean. Extern clean, Wax, pubes, armpits”. Underneath my first initial and my last name. So, they were going to wax my pubic hair and armpits. Lovely. The whole thing making me frown and lift my arm. I hadn’t really started using deodorant by that point but, I probably should have been deciding to maybe…

“Dude, don’t,” I heard someone say as they got in line behind me causing me to turn around, “Fuck you scared me,” I said shaking my head at him.

“Don’t smell your pits in public. It’s just weird,” Finn told me smiling.

“You call this public? We’re both nude. What type of world do you come from?” I asked.

“This one,” he said, “Even though I guess if you want to look at that hair you better get a good long look because in like 10 minutes it’s going to be gone as is your…fluff,” Finn told me causing me to cover myself with my hands.

“Relax, I wasn’t looking on purpose,” Finn assured me, “Honestly I’m a little jealous. I mean I don’t have that much.”

“Stop,” I said shaking my head.

“Sorry, just…it’s going to be a very long day and night, so I suggest you try your best to just…relax. Try and forget that clothes are a thing altogether. You can look at mine if you want. I mean it’s all hanging out and the recruits and tr…handlers are all looking,” he told me.

“I’m not going to…,” he cut me off.

“I know you want to. It’s ok to look. I think that’s why they make us walk around naked anyway, so everyone can,” he told me, “No, come on don’t think about it. Don’t think…”

I had started looking around becoming uneasy wondering how many of them were looking wondering where he was. If he was there if…

“He’s not in here,” Finn tried to assure me, “I know he scares you.”

“How long is this going to take?” I asked him.

“Like I said enjoy your hair now because in 10 minutes it’s gone,” Finn tried to cheer me up giving me a big grin, “I’m serious dude, check mine out,” he said looking down at himself, “It’s not bad. I mean…look at it!”

I’m not sure if it was peer pressure or curiosity because I really hadn’t seen him naked before, but I looked down feeling my face catch fire again as I put my hand over my eyes.

“See? It’s nice, right?” He asked me.

Honestly, I wasn’t surprised he wasn’t cut. Most of the guys around us were and I was. Being circumcised is an American thing though and his dad didn’t consider them to be American so in that respect, it made sense why he wasn’t circumcised. It wasn’t like I had never seen an uncircumcised penis before all three of my younger brothers were uncircumcised and I changed their nappies. So, to me, it didn’t look that weird at all even though the guy behind him made a sound.

“Dude what’s wrong with your dick?” they asked.

“Nothing,” Finn said, “what’s wrong with yours? Why did they have to chop part of it off?”

“They di…oh. That’s what it looks like?” he asked bending down.

“HEY! I didn’t say you could look,” he told the guy.

“You said he could look.” The guy pointed out to him.

“I know him,” Finn said shrugging his shoulders, “We’re friends. I don’t know you. Who are you?”

“Gabe Harris,” the guy answered, “I’ve never seen one that wasn’t circumcised before.”

“Now you have,” Finn said, “I feel oddly popular right now.”

I had to admit that one made me chuckle a little bit under my breath Finn’s smile growing as he noticed, “There we go. This is Will, Will’s nervous.”

“Well, to be fair we do all have our junk hanging out,” Gabe said as Finn nodded his head in agreement, “I mean we are probably being ogled and we’re about to get what little pubes we have waxed off along with our pathetic patches of pit hair so I’m feeling pretty awkward here myself.”

“I can agree with that,” Finn said, “Nice use of Alliteration by the way. That was good.”

“Thank you, I thought so too,” Gabe said as someone came up to us someone else with another clipboard.

“How old are you three?” he asked us.

“I’m 13,” Gabe answered, “If you need my name, Harris Gabriel.”

“Last name first, thank you. That makes life easier. You two?” he asked looking at us.

“Huber, Finn I’m 12,” Finn told him.

“McGregor, Will I’m 11,” I answered.

“Oh, you’re the young one. Ok, can you come with me?” he asked me.

My stomach fell. Why would he want me to come with him? Why couldn’t I stay with Finn?

“look, I’m not in charge. I was just told when I found you that I needed you to come to the Physical check room. I don’t know why. I’m not going to hurt you but if you don’t come with me I’m supposed to call up Sasha and have him physically move you so please don’t make me do that,” he said sounding bored.

“I’ll see you later, ok? You’ll know where to find me. We only have one holding room today,” Finn told me giving me a sad smile.

I followed the guy wondering why I was being moved before he opened the door to what looked like a private prep room Mr. Brian inside of it before the guy shut the door behind me.

“Ok up on the table. We’re going to wax and give you an edema all at once. Just to get it out of the way. I’m the one who is best at being quick at this so…let’s go,’ he said sounding like he too was bored just like the other guys.

“Why couldn’t they wa…”

“Look, you have the least the amount of hair. It’s easier and wastes less time to do it this way. All I have to do is wax three little patches. You don’t even have hair in your asshole yet. So just get up on the table I’ll insert the fucking tube and while I’m filling your colon I’ll apply the wax and rip off your hair then you can go shower,” he told me shrugging his shoulders.

He went and put the gloves on looking at me as he snapped them in place. Was he doing this so that…for whoever wanted me? Why couldn’t I be with my friends? My brother? Why did I…

“Don’t cry. I’m not going to hurt you at all. I’m wearing fucking gloves. I’m supposed to lube up that nozzle and stick it up your ass. The longer you take the madder people are going to be at you, so you need to suck it up and get on the table,” he told me no emotion in his voice.

I sighed. He was right. I shouldn’t cry. It wasn’t abuse. What they were doing to me wasn’t abuse. I knew the rules of Villa parties. No one was really allowed to hit me. They could be rough, but it was within reason if you could call raping someone something to be within reason about. They had to use condoms and lube. It was…I shivered.

“Come on, I don’t have all day. Have you ever…” he trailed off looking at me and sighing deeply, “ok, hop up here.” He said patting the table softly.

This one was also linked over a toilet which made me wonder what exactly they did that it was their set up to have it linked over a toilet. I mean I knew they used them for enema’s but, it was still weird to me.

“I’m seriously not going to hurt you so please?’ he said to which I sighed and hopped up on the table.

“I can understand being nervous about this. You’re probably thinking. I don’t want that hose in me again nor do I want you waxing my bits. That’s like a girl thing. Why would they do that anyway?

Well, some of it is aesthetic and some of it is hygiene. Pubic and body hair hold bacteria for your body that’s a good thing, but it does cause odor to be more apparent. So, removing the haircuts down on that BO smell people have and boys aren’t known for not smelling like BO especially boys in your age group. Usually, they smell like body spray and BO and that’s on a good day. I’m sure you understand why we do the other part because that one really is a health issue. It cuts down on how much feces is floating around. So, if you lay back I’ll show you what I’m going to do after I shove the hose up your ass,” Brian said giving me a strained smile.

I don’t know why but, I felt compelled to ask why. Why it was always him who groomed me, why he was always the one who put me over the enema station. The question didn’t come out that way though. My brain half frozen probably out of anxiety at the prospect that I was about to be gang raped repeatedly and simply came out as “Why?”

“I just told you why,” he said frowning at me, “You know how this goes…yep thank you,” he said as I rolled onto my side and pulled my knees into my chest, “And now just like always nice deep breath here…yep,” he said as I flinched and he inserted the nozzle into me.

“No, I meant why do you do this?” I managed to ask.

“Because I like boys,” he answered behind me patting my hip lightly, “now I’m going to…”

“No, I mean…like…to me,” I managed to which he sighed.

“He trusts me. He knows I’m not going to do anything I’m not supposed to no matter how pretty I find you. For the record, you are very attractive, and in a year or two, you are going to be exactly my type. But, a year or two doesn’t stop most men if you haven’t noticed. They’ll bend you over anyway and still say “in a year or two you’re going to be perfect.” I’m not that type of person though. As for the other part. Money for haircuts and stuff like that isn’t really in the budget when you’re a seminarian. So, you learn how to do things on your own. Can we get this show on the road now?” he asked me.

I nodded my head not sure what else to say. So, he was doing this to me because he liked boys and because Lionel knew he wouldn’t do anything to me behind his back? Like I was something to be protected. So, he’d subject me to Wallace but, not to anyone else? That didn’t make any sense to me at all him coming over to me holding a bowl of something,

“This is a home waxing kit. This wax is very hot because it’s boiling more or less over there on that hotplate you see. So, we’re going to give it a minute. It’s my job to apply a decent layer to your underarms and that little tiny spot of hair, that’s really cute by the way, and let it dry and then pull it off. Your hair is going to come off with it. This makes it, so your hair grows back a little slower. It’s going to feel like you have a bit of a rug burn, however, going to the shower is going to help you with that. So, we’re going to do your pits first so just le…yes, like that, now remember this is hot so it might sting a little bit.”

With that, he started applying this goop, wax to my pit as I lifted my arm over my head and rested it on the side of my face. He was right, it did sting or burn slightly as he sighed waiting for it to dry enough that he could pull it off. When he did, it wasn’t pleasant. It felt like I was getting my knee skinned only my knee was in my armpit and it was on purpose. However, I had never been a huge complainer about physical pain, so I didn’t say much. I probably fidgeted and cringed but otherwise, my fuss was minimal which Brian apparently liked because he nodded his head in approval.

“Ok, I’m going to check your bag real quick here,” he said going over and checking the bag hanging on the pole that was attached to the nozzle up my ass, “Ok I’m going to gently pull this between your legs and have you roll over onto…yep, thank you,” he said as I rolled over, “I know this isn’t comfortable.”

With that, he then waxed my other armpit. It felt weird. Having hair that I had barely noticed being stripped from my body. Having it done for only one reason. So, a bunch of guys could have sex with me, regardless of what I wanted, and they didn’t have to smell my body odor while they did it. While they raped me.

I was 11 years old. I should have been playing with Lego’s and learning how to type correctly and playing video games. I should have had hobbies like karate and laser tag and instead, I was a sex slave. I was what my Da passed out to gain favor in his business instead of using money or going to a strip club and paying for someone to enjoy a night out away from home. I was what he handed them when they said they wanted to have a good time.

That thought traveled through my brain as he waxed my right pit causing me to tear up slightly. Knowing that I was simply a whore. A pawn and that there was nothing I could do to change it. To make myself something else. That even if I did tell someone who wanted to help they couldn’t. That the one person who had experience with helping people escape from the Brotherhood had tried to get us out already and had failed. That the only reason he was alive was because John and I had kept our mouths shut and Matt and Mike didn’t really know who it was that had helped us at all.

“I told you it stings,” he told me checking the bag of water he was using to help rinse my insides and squeezing it the rush of water filling my stomach and making me cringe as it did so.

“I know, sorry. I just want to get this done quick so that I can make sure I get that patch of hair before you let your bowels go. I would like you to attempt to hold it. You’re usually pretty good at that. But, this is going to hurt. The base of your penis is a very sensitive area to wax I’m sure you’re aware. So, I’m going to pull this out and just try to hold it while I apply the wax and let it dry. If you could hold for the whole process, we can make sure we don’t risk infection. That would be awesome.”

Oh, so I could get sick from this? That sounded great. Sounded exactly like what I wanted to do with my Saturday morning. I laid flat on my back after he took the nozzle out. I squeezed my cheeks together as he turned on the running water beside me that rinsed the fecal matter down into the toilet below the table I was sitting on.

“Ok, now squeeze those cheeks,” he said smiling like he was amused as he put the wax on my pelvic region at the base of my penis. The burn and the urge to evacuate made it hard to stay still, “you’re doing good. Now we just have to let it dry.”

“This hurts,” I muttered.

“I told you it would,” he said to me, “Just try and think about something. A cute girl you want to hang out with or maybe a boy. I don’t care, I’m not about to judge. Think about a sibling maybe. Just try and…” 

“BLOODY HELL!” I screamed as I let my stomach go all at once because of the pain and surprise of having my pubic hair ripped out by the root.

“Now you know what it feels like to be a woman,” he said almost laughing at me, “I’ll be back shortly to rinse you off and take you to the showers.”

With that, he left me to lay there in my own filth. I hated that part. I figured it was because if someone was going to lick your ass they didn’t want to lick your shit too. Honestly, it was one of the things I liked the least having their… just any of it really. It caused me major anxiety when they used their mouths. When they did those things because even that slight pinch and burn that penetration caused wasn’t present. That discomfort that always came when they pushed inside of you. 

I wasn’t sure where he went but, I remember my chest continuously tightening as I laid there. The stinging of my skin fading to a dull ache and then disappearing completely before he came back, sighing slightly and making a face at the smell. A smell I myself wasn’t happy to be surrounded by.

“Ok,” he said helping me sit up and finished rinsing me off, “Almost your whole group is in the showers now. I would suggest you don’t take forever. Just make sure you scrub your parts good and get to holding.”

I nodded my head as he walked me across the hall to the shower room. Finn smiling widely when he saw me, “God I was so scared for a minute. I’ve never seen them pull someone.”

“I didn’t know what he was doing but, apparently I was faster than everyone else, so they just decided to do it all at once,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

“Are you nervous?” he asked me.

I nodded my head. It wasn’t something I’d never done before. He knew that. Everyone there knew it and I felt like my life was collapsing around me. I was about to be gang-raped. Again. And I didn’t…

“Aww Will, it’s ok,” Finn said as I started tearing up before I got under one of the shower heads.

“I’m fine,” I said nodding my head and trying to smile, “I’m going to be fine.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Finn agreed.

I was hoping I would be. I wasn’t sure of it but, I felt like my world was ending. Like I didn’t have a choice in it. They had taken what little body hair I had away, they had dragged me there with a bag over my head. Had hosed the shit out of my stomach, ripped the hair from my body and then decided that I was ready to have sex with whoever they wanted me to. What was I supposed to do with that?

How was I supposed to be ok with that? With not being allowed to tell them no or let them know how I really felt about it. How was I supposed to live with myself if I was pretending it felt good until not only my body but my brain believed it? How was I supposed to…?

“It’ll be ok,” Finn said again almost like he was a broken record. Like it was the only thing he could manage to say. Like he wasn’t just saying it for me but, for him too. Because he just like me, knew it wouldn’t be. Knew that what was happening …we wouldn’t be ok. That it wasn’t ok and nothing about it ever would be.

“Out!” Sasha said loudly as we finished washing up and were led to holding. 

It was a big room. Almost looking like it had once been a sitting room of some kind or an office but instead was now filled with cots lined up against the walls. There was a couch and love seat in the middle of the room along with a coffee table. I immediately saw John who had probably just gotten there himself. His nudity very apparently along with his red hair as he stood there.

“Hey Finn, I’m going to…”

“Yeah, go be with your brother. I’ve heard it’s easier when you have someone you trust. Not that I think you don’t trust me but…,” Finn shrugged his shoulders.

“I’ll come back later,” I told him.

“Only if you feel up to it, ok?” he told me to which I nodded my head.

I went over and grabbed two folded blankets on my way. I knew they were used to cover us. That it was the only thing we were going to be able to use to cover our nakedness while we were there. 

“Are you ok?” he asked me.

“Yeah, I’m all right,” I answered trying to be brave, trying to make sure he didn’t worry about me or how I was doing, “You?”

“Scared,” he answered honestly looking around and grabbing me by the elbow before pulling me over to a corner where another red-headed boy was sitting alone already wrapped up in a blanket.

There weren’t a lot of boys with red hair. It was almost a like a good representation of the general population seeing as only about 5% of the population has red hair, to begin with. There were maybe 9 boys with red hair in the brotherhood that I can remember and that was out of 100 bottoms. There were maybe 100 more bottoms in our charter at that were throwaways. Maybe 4 of those 100 boys were redheads as well.

“Hey,” John said walking up to the kid as I handed him one of the blankets I had picked up to wrap around himself and I wrapped the second around myself.

“Hi there,” they said, “You look stunning.”

“What?” John asked frowning at him.

“The bruise on your neck,” the guy said pointing it out to me and John.

He did indeed have a large hickey on his neck. It almost covered the right side of his neck entirely. Almost like Leo had bitten him. Or might have done it on purpose to mark him. To let people, know that he belonged to someone even if he was at a party. That he had a contract. 

“Oh, I huh, I pushed him away,” John answered quietly shrugging his shoulders.

So, it wasn’t a hickey? He’d…hurt him? 

“Leo?” I asked.

“Yeah,” John answered looking past me at the wall like he was ashamed.

No. No, he hadn’t. Why would he…? 

“He choked you?” I asked.

John shrugged his shoulders at me. Was he serious? Leo had choked him?! No one choked him. No one. Not even…did Da know? Did Da know that Leo was choking him? Was that mean to him? That wasn’t ok. None of that was ok. What if…? No.

“Why would he choke you?” I asked my voice sounding harsh, accusing.

“I pushed him away,” John repeated before looking at the guy, “How long have you been here?”

“Since yesterday after school,” he answered, “The real party hasn’t started yet though so it’s not like there’s been a lot going on. Mostly it’s been me by myself in this room. A couple of ones have been in and out. Burgess or huh, Adam is here.”

“Really?!” John said sounding almost excited by the news, “Where is…oh,” he said trailing off realizing where Adam probably was.

“Yeah, that question you asked me that I wouldn’t answer earlier,” he stuttered out like he was afraid to say it, “It’s Lou, that’s huh…”

“Ok,” John said nodding his head, interrupting, “I was just wondering because of the way you talk about him. It reminds me of Da. I’d rather not have me or Will anywhere near him if I can help it,” John answered.

I had no idea what they were talking about. What question? Obviously, it was a person of some kind but, who? His handler?

“Yeah, no fucking kidding,” the guy said rolling his eyes and snorting in angry laughter.

“Who?” I asked sitting down on the cot John had sat on, sitting down next to him.

“No one,” John said in a way to assure me everything was fine, “It doesn’t matter.”

The guy gave John a look, a very pointed look and shook his head, “You can’t protect him here no matter how badly you want to. He has a right to know.”

Know what? Know who was there? What they were talking about?

“Fine, you tell him then,” John said shrugging his shoulders, “Is he already here?”

“Yeah, they both are. They are entertaining themselves with Adam and some other people. Have been more or less all night. Will won’t really have to worry about Pop so much but Dad, he’ll have to be wary of him. Will, you know I have two fathers, right?” the guy asked me, and it finally clicked who he was.

There were only three boys that I went to school with that it was known and not talked about that they had two fathers and no moms. Two were Pat and Cole so this…this had to be Dominic or Dom. He didn’t like being called Dominic at all and made it very clear to people that it wasn’t a name he favored. The only reason these two families were accepted but not talked about and allowed to be in a Catholic school was that they were both brotherhood families. So, I knew who Dom was. I just hadn’t realized it until that moment.

“I’ve heard people talk about it, but I wasn’t sure,” I answered looking at him.

“Well, I have my pop and he’s a lot like your Dad he’s gentle he huh…god I hate debriefing and all of this bullshit. He’ll probably be more into John and John knows what to expect I’m guessing but my Dad his name is Tanner…”

Tanner. Tanner as in…Tanner the guy who had visited. Who had asked me about my…about my body? About what I could do. About whether I was…? I think I shivered John wrapped an arm around my shoulders. No. I didn’t want to be with him. I didn’t want to…Was that why he had asked? Because he wanted to…?

“…If he has a chance with you don’t look at him. Just do whatever he says. He doesn’t bite or anything like that but, he doesn’t like to use lube so just if you don’t look at him he’ll be nicer because he’ll take you for shy, ok?” Dom said looking at me.  
“Got it, thanks,” I muttered seeming kind of short with him my brain trying not to panic, trying to stay calm so I didn’t worry John. John who could tell I was nervous the way he had his arm around my shoulders, the way he was holding me close because he knew I needed it, needed to know he was there that even if it just for a few minutes I was safe.

“Anyone else I need to be aware of?” I asked him.

“Huh, I don’t know. Some of the guys around here that you would get their attention are more into personality,” Dom told me honestly, “Watch out for Bolton, he’s into your age and he’s rough. John still falls within his range too. He likes sounding, that’s backroom stuff though. Dobbs, you’re a little too young for but, you’re tall enough he might not care and he’s more like my pop too. However, he gets off on the struggle so if you are…if you relent with enough people before he gets to you he won’t be interested, ok?” Dom told us.

“When you say he gets off on the struggle you mean he likes to fight with you?” John asked raising an eyebrow at Dom.

“Huh, yeah. He likes to slap you but just enough that it’ll bruise. Anything worse it backroom stuff anyway. I’ve never heard of him breaking any bones or anything like that. Or choking people just a lot of spanking and hitting,” Dom answered shrugging his shoulders.

“Do you know who else is going to be here?” John asked Dom.

“Anderson is already here. That’s bad news. Really bad news he usually only comes for one reason, to punish people for something and when I say that I don’t mean a light punishment I mean something serious. He brought Chad and Tyler. Tyler is a tracker that is Will’s age I think which is unusual. Chad…,” Dom trailed off, “I don’t know where either of them are right now but…”

“Did they leave you alone with him?” John asked his body stiffening around mine his eyes going cold like they would if he had asked me that question.

Dom looked at John and sighed heavily, “John, if they did what would you do about it? I mean really?” Dom asked him.

“Beat his ass,” John said his eyes flashing like he was angry.

The only people I had ever seen John that angry for had been us, his siblings. His felt protective of Dom. I didn’t know why or understand it at the time but, he and Dom were very similar in a lot of ways only Dom was very quiet and timid. Similar to how I often was especially when I was nervous or scared. This made John very protective of Dom like he was protective of me.

“What are you guys talking about?” I asked quietly hoping to break up some of the tension and frustration that I could feel was building.

“You don’t need to worry about,” John said sounding short with me, “Did they?”

“John,” Dom said shaking his head, “It doesn’t matter right now.”

“Yeah, it does. It matters to me. He’s been doing that shit to you since you were a fucking kid Dom. He doesn’t have any right to treat you like that,” John said.

“Do you want to put yourself in the back room along with me? With Anderson and Hank and all those guys? Really? Is that what you really want? Because that’s what going after Chad or any of them will fucking get us so, don’t. Don’t do anything. Don’t even talk to them because I can’t do the back room again. I get too many absences this year I’m going to flunk out. Watson has already warned my Dad’s, all right? I’d rather avoid being in the back room if you please,” Dom said sounding very upset about the idea.

John huffed pulling his blanket tighter around him, “Ok, fine. I won’t even look at the son of a bitch, ok?” John said his tone harsh.

“HEY!” Dom said, “Watch the language all right? It’ll draw attention you don’t want.”

John sighed his shoulders looking almost like they were deflating, “ok, I’m sorry.”

I’d heard about Chad. Chad watched everyone. I’d seen him with Wallace before, talking. Usually, it was in the hall as I entered the library. He didn’t have that class with us, thankfully but, C-Dan had mentioned him and Rich. Cole and Pat had also mentioned Chad.

“Chad? You mean the older kid who is always looking at John?” I asked.

Dom shook his head looking at me his eyes slightly wide like he was shocked I had dared to say anything about it, “I can’t believe you just said that.”

“Dom, I already know ok? Dick told me,” John said.

“What?” Rich said walking up behind John and I making John jump slightly and push me forward, “About Chad’s crush on you, you mean? Yeah, I told him.”

“Why is he here?” Dom asked John frowning at him.

“Leo brought him,” John answered shrugging his shoulders.

Rich smiled widely at Dom, a smile that was all teeth before he looked at me and John his eyes going back to Dom who shifted uncomfortably under his gaze, “You want to play? I don’t usually come to these anymore but, I decided I’m game so…why don’t you come with me?”

Did he mean he was going to? Could he do that? I knew Dom wasn’t like us. I didn’t know what his ranking was but, I knew he wasn’t what was considered untouchable. Not like John and I were. Most people weren’t untouchables.

I looked at Dom to see his reaction. He didn’t want to. He was shivering and pulling his blanket tighter around himself and squeezing his eyes closed. He didn’t want to do whatever Rich was planning but, he couldn’t say no. He wasn’t allowed to. If his rank was lower than the tackers he wasn’t allowed to say anything. He had to do whatever it was they asked of him. That meant he had to go with Rich because he was asking. Because he was telling him he wanted sex.

“Dick,” John said shaking his head. It seemed like he was trying to appear strong, but the tone of his voice sounded like he was pleading with him, asking him to leave Dom alone instead of demanding it. Like he too was afraid of Rich.

“Hey, it’d be you if you hadn’t so kindly reminded me my dad fucked you at least twice last night. I want a different toy. I am trying to figure out why Dom isn’t my dad’s type though when you two seem to have so much in common. Maybe it’s the eyes?” Dick said.

That sent a shiver down my spine. Leo had mentioned our eyes and so had Rich. He had even said something about it the other day when he looked at me, “I know those eyes.” We had the same eyes. Most of my siblings had the same eye color that John and I did a bright vibrant green that was unmistakable. They were mum’s eyes. Mum’s eyes copied 11 times.

Could it be true? That Leo wanted John because of his eyes and then me because…. because of mine? He had told me once John was old enough to move on he wanted me. He had asked me if I would think about it like I even had a choice in the matter. If Da wanted to give me to him, I would be his as soon as he was done with John if that’s what he and Da agreed to. I didn’t have any say in the matter just like I didn’t have a say with Lionel or with what would soon be Wallace. It was all up to Da.

Dom sighed standing up and folding his blanket causing me to notice his body. He was thinner than John and John was. His ribs sticking out making the angles of his body that much more apparent, his hip bones so sharp you could cut yourself on them. He looked like he had no fat on his bones he was that thin. His rib cage stood out away from his body farther than his stomach the sight making me feel…sad. 

The most interesting part about his body though had to be the scars. The scars on his arms that no one probably ever saw besides at the villa. They were obvious self-injury marks. Some of them angry and deep while others were smaller and a light pink or faded white going all the way from his shoulder down to his wrists on both his arms. Some of them crisscrossed by other scars. Round or crescent-shaped scars that dotted his body, his arms, his chest, his upper thighs. Probably some on his back, those scars reminding me of some of the ones John had that looked newer than the ones Dom sported. Bite marks. On his hip standing out from the rest was a large white II burned into his skin in the same place where John and I wore our own markings. Our own simple yet important MV that marked us as property.

“Can we go to the bathroom?” Dom asked Rich looking at the floor and not even at anything else in the room. Like he had already resided himself to accepting it. Accepting the fact that he had to let Rich rape him. That it didn’t matter what he wanted because he wasn’t a person. That he didn’t have a say in what happened to him.

“What?” I heard Rich laugh, “Don’t want your boyfriend to watch? He might like it.”

Boyfriend? They weren’t boyfriends. John and Pat were…wait…was there something I had missed? Did something happen while John was in the hospital that I didn’t know about? It didn’t seem like John liked him as a boyfriend. That didn’t seem right.

“No. I don’t want the 11-year-old watching, ok? Is that so wrong?” Dom asked gesturing to me making my face heat up.

Had he noticed I’d looked at him? Checked him out? Was he mad at me for it? I hadn’t meant to look that closely just, his whole being, his whole body looked so different. He seemed so tired, almost beyond exhausted from the moment his skin had been exposed almost like he just automatically expected someone to touch him even if he didn’t want them to.

Almost like he didn’t feel ashamed of being nude or frightened by it because he had come to accept he was going to be treated a certain way the moment he was exposed. Almost like he figured there was no use in fighting it. That what would happen would happen no matter what he felt or thought. Like he had almost shut off his emotions and just accepted that was the way it was going to be and there was nothing and no one that could prevent it. That he had resided himself to the fact that he didn’t matter enough to take his feelings and thoughts into account. That he had accepted he was just a toy the moment his clothes were gone, a toy that anyone could do anything with and there was nothing he could do that would change that fact.

Rich looked at me. Closely at me. So close I thought he was seeing through the blanket I was wearing John noticing and pulling me tightly into his side as if to protect me. The weight of his gaze making me shiver. Maybe that’s why he wanted to hurt Dom in the first place so that I had to watch? So that I knew he was stronger than we were, better than we were, worthier than we were. So that I would never question him or anyone like him again because he had seen me say no. Because he had seen my reluctance to listen to Wallace.

“I guess not,” he said his eyes still on me, “Come on…” he said finally waving his hand towards a bathroom door off to the side of them as Dom walked away with him and through the door.

“They’re having sex, aren’t they?” I asked John quietly who looked at me his eyes wide like he was seeing me for the first time. Like he didn’t know who I was for a second.

“Huh, yeah,” John told me his tongue touching his back molar. Like he wanted to deny that was what was happening to his friend. Like he didn’t want to believe it himself. That someone would just tell his friend he wanted to rape him right in front of him like it was the most normal thing in the world and that there wasn’t anything John could do to help him. To make sure it didn’t happen.

“Dom doesn’t want to,” I said shaking my head feeling it hit my center my core. Understanding and allowing myself to feel how fucked up the situation was.

Not just for Dom but, for all of us. Reality sometimes hits you funny. You get used to things and so you don’t realize how fucked up they are until you are staring down the barrel of that gun. After getting waxed I had felt myself go into this numb place, a safe place where I wasn’t thinking about how that was going to happen to me again. Did I know I was going to be raped eventually while I was in the Villa? Yeah but, to have someone actually come up to us and tell one of our friends that he needed to go with them to be raped that was like being grabbed and shaken. It jolted me. John sighed wrapping his arm around my shoulder my again.

“No, he doesn’t but, it’ll be ok,” he lied, “I’ll be here, ok? And Pat and Cole are going to be here. And you have other friends. Here we just need to take care of each other ok?”

“Right,” I nodded my head swallowing the lump in my throat. But, Rich was. Rich was hard. It was like someone shoving Wallace in my face in a way. Because Rich saw in John whatever Wallace saw in me. Something he liked. I could tell by the way Rich had commented again about our eyes. How he knew my eyes because he knew John. Because John was Leo’s boy like I was Lionel’s, “Was Rich going to have sex with you? You know in …”

John cut off my words nodding his head before he spoke like he didn’t want to admit it even to himself. That Rich wanted to rape him, was thinking of raping him. Wanted to do things to him as badly as Leo did, “Yeah.”

“That’s bullshit,” I said shaking my head.

John didn’t want to have sex with him. I knew John didn’t. I wasn’t sure John wanted to have sex with anyone. Maybe Pat but, he didn’t want to do it right now. John was never really a sex-crazed maniac or at least when I was that age I had a very hard time picturing him being that way even though I had never walked in on a Pat and John make out session at that point. James had but, I don’t think anyone else had. So, I had a hard time picturing John just being into doing that even though he had shared with me that he and Pat had done something more than just kiss.

John sighed turning so he could wrap me fully in his arms as if to comfort himself more than me. I allowed him too though. Probably because I was scared. If Wallace was there I needed to be scared. If…the videos. Who knew how many people had seen those videos. Those videos that Tony and Lionel and Da and Uncle Ben had all said would make me “popular” who knew how many people were there that had seen those and would want…? I shivered.

“Yeah, it is,” he whispered quietly into the top of my head, “We’ll be ok though.” He repeated.

“I don’t want them to do that to me too,” I muttered quietly, “Especially not guys around your age.”

“Rich isn’t my age. He’s older, he’s 17,” John said quietly.

I wanted to point out to him that I had said around and that he wasn’t John’s age. More that I was implying he was closer to John’s age than mine, but we were both already stressed. And I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, so I hugged him back as he held me and rubbed my shoulders. The more I thought about it the more I wondered if it hurt. Beau hadn’t hurt. Not like Da did. The idea making me wonder if it had to do with me or with him. If other guys hurt like Da even though they were younger.

“Oh,” I said, “Does it hurt just as much?”

“I don’t know wingman. I haven’t…he hasn’t done anything to me yet. I know that he will, that it’s just a matter of time but it hasn’t really…yeah,” John said trailing off as he got up letting me go so he could stretch out on cot properly wrapping his blanket around his body before he gestured to me, opening up his arms, asking me to lay with him which I didn’t hesitate to do.

“Do you think it will happen because he’s Leo’s son?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” John said his voice sounding choked like the idea was something he dreaded. A future that he saw coming but couldn’t escape. Something that he already hated himself for that hadn’t even happened yet.

“I’m sorry,” I told him

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” he told me running a hand through my hair, “Is Uncle Ben here yet? I didn’t see him with you guys when you came.”

He was staying home. Staying home with Mike and Matt and James. That way they didn’t have to come. They didn’t have to be there when whatever happened, happened. James didn’t have to deal with him. Didn’t have to deal with the things he would do to him, the things he’d let other people do to him. That way Mike and Matt would be safer because it would only be Uncle Ben and not anyone else.

“He’s not coming,” I said quietly.

“Why not?” John said his hand stalling half through the journey on my head.

“Someone has to stay with everyone. Da basically offered…I can’t even think about it…I ….”

“Mike and Matt. Is Da doing things to them?” John asked me frowning.

“I’ve tried to get Da to tell Uncle Ben it’s not ok but…he won’t…Da said I had to choose. Choose whether James would come here and entertain Mr. Lord privately or if I wanted Matt and Mike and James to be safe at home. He made me choose John,” I said feeling sick to my stomach.

Thinking about the choice he had given me. That I needed to…the guy and the mask. And then…my toes started to tingle for some reason, my legs going slightly numb as I thought about it. The camera light blinking at me, at us. At what he was doing. Da telling me to practice. To practice what I was going to say and be good. To practice saying those things and then him leaving. Leaving me there for Da to…

My chest felt tight thinking about how John couldn’t know. How he shouldn’t know because he would hate me. He would think I was being stupid. And I felt stupid. Because how did I know that Uncle Ben wasn’t bringing them to the party later? How did I know that letting that guy…letting Da…how did I know it worked?

I felt my eyes burning and my chest hurting but, I thought if I could calm down maybe…I closed my eyes wiping them with the corner of the blanket I had wrapped around myself. Hoping that maybe John wouldn’t notice but, knowing he probably had.  
“He shouldn’t have done that to you,” John told me softly before continuing to run his fingers through my hair holding me tighter, “you did good. Ok? You did good. I’m proud of you.”

“Then how come it feels so lousy? How come I feel like I did something wrong?” I asked him hiccupping as I tried not to cry because what they did wasn’t abuse. I wasn’t allowed to cry if it wasn’t abuse and he hadn’t…he hadn’t hit me. Just made me have sex and practice talking to him. Talking like they would expect me to talk. He hadn’t even finished.

“Because it’s a shit choice,” John said kissing my cheek, “But, look at it this way; at least at home with Uncle Ben, we know it’s just going to be Uncle Ben. No one else is going to be there and they are used to him by now. They know what he wants. They know what they can and cannot do where if they were here they’d be scared. There’d be so many people they don’t know they wouldn’t know what to do and James is little tiny, and we can’t be sure it would just be Mr. Lord by himself if James were here. There are plenty of guys who would…”

“You’re right,” I said nodding my head, “That’s why I told Da I was ok with coming here and doing this and…”

“Ok with what?” John asked me frowning at me.

“You’re going to be mad,” I said shaking my head.

I shouldn’t have even dared to say anything. He would go crazy. He’d be so angry he’d go crazy. He’d be so mad at himself for not being there mad at me for thinking I could help them the same way he helped when Da didn’t see me the same way. It was stupid. I shouldn’t have said anything at all.

“I won’t be mad at you. Not ever, ok? Just tell me. I know you need to talk about it, so tell me,” he insisted.

“You promise you won’t be upset?” I asked him taking a deep breath feeling myself calm down as I looked at his face.

He didn’t look upset at all. He looked calm. Very calm. Like maybe he could handle it. Maybe it wouldn’t send him into a tailspin like I thought it would. The idea that he could handle it, maybe really handle this one small thing without breaking down making me feel a little bit more grounded. Almost like maybe I could tell him things for real.

“I promise,” he said nodding his head, “I won’t be upset with you and I’ll stay calm. No freaking out, ok? I swear I’ll try my best.”

“He…he made me make a movie,” I managed quietly watching his face, his reaction.

At first, he raised his eyebrows and then closed his eyes for a minute pulling me tighter against him, holding me close and pushing my head into his shoulder like I was a cranky toddler he was trying to calm down. Like maybe he was freaking out and he just didn’t want me to see it. Him kissing the crown of my head repeatedly as if he was expecting me to start crying and screaming. To freak out myself.

“Did he do this at home?” he asked me after a minute.

“Yeah,” I said remembering the camera light flashing at us. The guy, Sam. His face mask. The way he moved. The way he…

“It was him and then this other guy. He wore and mask and it…it hurt. He did bad things, Jack. He …I couldn’t move. It scared me, and I had to try so hard to be good John. To be really good. He…”

“It’s ok,” he told me, “I’m right here. It’s not happening right now, you’re all right. It’s ok Will. I’m right here and no one is hurting you right now. You’re safe, ok? You’re safe,” he murmured into the top of my head.

It didn’t seem safe. There was a room full of men out there and they…they’d all…I hugged him tighter burying my face in his shoulder. He couldn’t save me. He couldn’t even save himself. He…I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t do it.

“I don’t feel very safe,” I admitted.

“I know,” he said as I felt him nod his head holding me closer, “But I’m here and for this moment we’re safe, ok? Just for right now we’re safe.”

The way we were laying was sideways on the cot, his body in front of the door as he held me against him. His back to the rest of the room. I felt his body shift every time someone came too close. Like his was hyper-aware of what was happening behind him even though he couldn’t see. Like he was waiting for them to tell him he needed to leave the room. That it was time for whatever was going on to start. Like he was ready to throw himself in front of me. To tell them to take him instead. The last time he shifted his shoulders going tense from the middle of his back up to his neck, his whole person just going taunt as he listened before we heard him speak, John instantly relaxing when he heard his voice.

“Hey,” he said quietly.

“Pat,” John said to which I nodded my head.

“Yeah, I know,” Pat said sitting down on the cot Dom had vacated behind me as I let John continue to hold me. To keep me tightly held against him, “I see custody might not work out the way it should.”

“It’s a bad day,” John confirmed to him, “We’re ok though.”

I didn’t bother to turn around instead of watching his face. His eyes light up as he looked at him, as he interacted with him even though he was holding me. Much like a parent would hold a child. He looked more relaxed. From the moment he had heard his voice he just seemed that much stronger and confident than he had before.

“Hi Will,” Pat said coming over, so I could see him from where I was tucked safely up against John’s body, “Everything is going to be ok, all right?” 

He gave me a smile but didn’t attempt to touch me or convince me to let go of my brother. He didn’t even tell me to turn and look at him because he knew. He understood. He knew that even though I was 11 years old and I was far from being little enough where clinging to my brother like that would usually be appropriate that little 8-year-old boy was showing. The one where his Da had taken him to that hotel room. Told him he would hurt less next time before he had…before he had torn my world apart for the first time, my body apart.

He understood that I needed the one person I trusted to be the person to offer me the most comfort because I didn’t know what to do. While I understood what was going on very well I wasn’t sure what to expect from it. As far as John knew it was only the second time I had ever been to the Villa because he didn’t know about Lionel. He didn’t know about my videos besides the one I had just confided in him about. Pat knew that I was more worried about the crowd even if he was aware that I had been there more than twice. That I was nervous about the men, their hands their…that I was scared and more than understood and accepted I had every right to be and that meant I needed my brother, my safe person and that was John.

“Sorry,” I said, “I just…I ca…”

“Your fine kiddo,” Pat smiled nodding his head assuring me that I was doing nothing wrong by not greeting him or seeming happy to see him, “There’s not a single thing you need to be sorry about, ok?”

They both seemed so brave. John letting me huddle against him because I was afraid I was going to fall apart and yet, they both seemed fine. I was sure they were scared too but, they seemed so much more pulled together than I was. My brain deciding that maybe things would be all right. That maybe things weren’t as bad as I thought they were. 

I decided to sit up. To not be that little boy. I was already the youngest person there so why did I have to act like it, “Ok,” I said sitting up next to John who kept his arm around me as I adjusted myself and tried to be brave. Tried to be more like them, “How are you doing Pat?”

“I’m all right,” Pat said giving me a nervous smile as he looked around behind John and I scanning the room, “A little nervous but, I usually am when I come here. I tend to not be able to watch my temper, so I end up in the back room which hurts. Otherwise, I’m all right, you?”

“I’ll be ok,” I answered exhaling deeply Pat nodding his head and giving me an encouraging smile.

“And you John?” Pat asked looking at him.

“Yeah, I’m all right, I think,” John answered nodding his head.

Cole and Tosh walked out in front of us Tosh giving me a euthanistic wave like we weren’t all butt ass naked and covered only in blankets in a room full of cots waiting to be raped. It made me wonder if he was high still. Why the guy always seemed so…lively. I still have no idea how someone could muster that much energy and seem that optimistic about getting it up the butt from someone they had no interest in but, he seemed almost excited to be there.

“Where Dom?” Cole asked frowning at us, “I thought he was supposed to hang out with you and Tosh.” He said looking at John.

“He’s in the bathroom taking care of something,” John answered shrugging his shoulders Pat suddenly jumping up.

“Who?” he nearly growled looking around like he could see through the doors into the other rooms with some type of x-ray vision he had just developed.

“He said not to,” I told Pat quietly, “He said to just leave it alone because he didn’t want to be in the back room.”

“You guys need to tell me who,” Pat said looking at us and shaking his head. Like us not telling him was offensive. Like it was his body someone was messing with when he didn’t want to be touched. Like it was a personal attack on him that someone would do that to Dom when Dom had made it clear with his body language it was something he didn’t want. 

I found it interesting how protective they were of him. At the time I didn’t understand because I didn’t know much about Dom. Looking back I’m better to understand why they were so protective of him. One of the reasons being because he had no one to protect him.

“Dick,” John said simply.

“Oh no,” Pat said shaking his head, “I’m going to kick his ass Monday. I will kick his ass so bad my toes will be coming out of his mouth.”

“He’s a lot bigger than we are Pat,” John said shaking his head even though he was smiling like he was amused.

“I don’t give a flying fuck,” Pat said, “I’m going to kick his ass.”

I had to admit knowing what Rich looked like it was a pretty funny mental picture. Rich was probably about 6’0 tall by that point and Pat was around 5’5. Rich and Pat were both mostly muscles but, Rich would have had the advantage and it would have been a big one. I think half the reason John was almost laughing was that it was very enduring to see Pat be so protective of someone that wasn’t him.

Dom came out of the bathroom holding his stomach and exhaling heavily making me wonder what exactly Rich had done to him Rich who came out behind him. I got stuck there for a minute. Being young and gay is a different experience. You try so hard not to look that all you end up doing is looking.

Both Rich and Dom butt ass naked Rich smiling happily and just kind of flaunting what he had just done as his friends cheered and he walked over towards them his hands on his hips proudly like he was “the man”. The first thing I noticed was he too had no hair but, I think him having no hair only worked in his favor making him look even more endowed than he was. He was no longer erect as I was sure he had been at some point in the bathroom but, he looked massive.

Not as huge as Hank looked but still it seemed like it was an almost adult sized member. Like it would have looked a lot more at home surrounded by a nest of pubic hair than hanging bald and out in the open. Dark pubic hair like the hair on his head as he walked over to his friends and decided to swing his hips from side to side swinging causing everything else to laugh before he was high fived by a couple of people one of them being C-Dan someone pointing at me, pointing out the fact that I was watching causing several of them to laugh before I felt my face flush and turned away quickly.

“You ok?” Cole asked me to which I nodded my head.  
“It was like 10ish when we got here, and we went to prep so, I’m assuming it’s like 10:30? I’m guessing, either way, it’s going to be a long day,” Pat said.

“No, it’s got to be later than that,” John said frowning and scratching the top of his head, “I mean Prep took Will probably 15 minutes and me 20. We got here around 9. I managed to catch a peek at some guys watch and it was 9:30 by the time I made it down here and Will was probably only ahead of me by what? Five minutes, Will?’

“I think so,” I answered quietly.

“You ok?” Pat asked frowning at me to which I nodded my head pulling my blanket tighter around myself.

“Like I said, it’s ok to be nervous,” Pat assured me as John gave me a small smile and rubbed my shoulder nodding his head.

“Oh yeah,” Tosh said nodded his head vigorously, “I’m totally nervous. Like beyond nervous. Like you don’t know how nervous I am. It’s horrible I just feel it everywhere in my stomach. There is nothing wrong with being nervous.”

Yeah, ok. That didn’t help Pat and John probably sensing it and giving each other a look as Dom pulled his blanket around himself and adjusted it, “ Yeah, it feels like it’s going to be a long day,” Dom said laying on his side resting his weight on his hips and not on his ass as he kind of curled into the fetal position and Pat stood up letting Dom lay down, “I’m going to take a nap if it’s ok with you guys?”

He looked tired. The way he had walked over his body kind of hunched like he was in pain. Like maybe it had been too much for his body to handle and yet, he had to deal with more. The weekend had really just started, and he was already in pain, his body already telling him he needed to stop and that was after as far as I knew one person. The idea scaring me. Making me wonder how if he was used to it and he couldn’t handle one person I was supposed to handle all the people who were going to want me.  
“It’s ok,” John said pulling me into his side as I covered my face with my hands, “ It’s ok,” he said hugging me again.

“Ok,” Cole said nodding his head, “So, is Will going to come with us or…?” Cole trailed off looking at me.

“I don’t know Ra…I mean John and Will need to decide that,” Pat said, “You know you can trust me to do my best to protect him though, ok?” Pat said looking at John as he said it.

At that point, I didn’t know about their idea to split the group up so that John wasn’t with me or Pat and so Cole wasn’t with Tosh or Pat meaning that Cole would be staying with John and Dom while Tosh, Pat and I were together. That way those who would be most worried about others would be separate from them to help keep each other in a more silent panic instead of outwardly showing how upset they were, how scared they were for the people they loved the most.

“I’m not a baby you guys,” I said wiping at my eyes, “I can go with Pat. It’ll be fine, really.”

“Are you sure?” John asked me grabbing my hand, “I don’t want you t…”

“I’m sure,” I said nodding my head, “I’ll keep Pat’s mind off what’s happening to you and remind him how much you love him.”

John rounded his lips and exhaled even though I saw a small spark in his eyes when I said it, almost like he was feeling so warm and fuzzy inside he couldn’t hide it. Almost like it overrode his anxiety if only for a brief second, “Ok, and Tosh will Hang out with Dom and me?”

“I huh…,” Cole trailed off looking at Pat, “Yeah. Tosh hang out over here with Dom and John, ok?”

“Yeah, I will,” Tosh said nodding his head, “I’ll see you later, ok?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you later,” Cole said nodding his head at him and pulling his blanket tighter around himself almost stomping his foot as he looked at Tosh, “God, this is going to be so hard, but I won’t do it. I promised you I wouldn’t, so I won’t, ok?”

Tosh nodded his head smiling but something about his eyes, the way they went wide reading weird to me. Making me wonder what it was but before I could ask John echoed my thoughts.

“Wouldn’t do what?” John asked him.

“Use drugs,” Cole answered simply, “I’m completely sober and have been for about a month. Tosh told me he would quit if I did so, we’ve both stopped using. You’ll stay with him, right?”

“Yeah Cole, of course,” John said nodding his head.

“Guys, seriously, please?” I heard Dom moan quietly from where he was laying.

“We’re done,” John said nodding his head as we all started walking away.

I felt my heart rate pick up as we walked. It was a long room but somewhat narrow and in the center was a group of chairs a love seat and a sofa. Where the trackers were sitting. Where Rich and Wallace were sitting.

“It’s ok,” Cole said linking his arm with mine, “We’re right here. Ok?”

I nodded my head. I knew they were there but, so was…Every step closer making my chest feel tighter Cole looking at Pat even as he kept a hold on me.

“I’m right here too, ok Will? Are you sure you want to stay with us and not John?” Pat asked me quietly.

I nodded my head. Him seeing me, seeing me freak out wouldn’t help him. It would only make him throw himself in the way if anyone tried to hurt me. Make him worry that much more.

“Is it because you’re worried about what he’s going to do to protect you?” Pat asked me to which I nodded my head.

“Ok, you let me worry about that. Not you, you just work on staying calm. Do you want to go back to him? We’ll walk you right back over there right past…” I felt like my knees were about to drop out from under me they were looking at us. Watching us.  
They were only a few feet away from us to my right. He was there, and I knew it. I didn’t have to look directly at him to make out his shape or the shade of his hair. I knew he was there and he was watching me. That he…

“Hey,” Pat said pulling me in tightly under his arm, “Your ok man. It’s ok. Let it out don’t try and be brave if you need to…”

“I…” I clapped my hand over my mouth to keep myself quiet as they led me past them over to a corner Pat sitting down on a cot with me, “It’s not abu…abuse.”

“Oh kiddo, it is,” Pat said shaking his head, “It is abuse. Don’t let them tell you otherwise. Did they tell you that you weren’t allowed to freak the fuck out? Because this is our room right now. We’re allowed to freak the fuck out in here all we fucking want, and they can’t say a fucking thing. Ok? You need to do whatever, you do it.”

“I don’t want to do this,” I squeaked my whole body shaking as Pat pulled me into his lap on top of his blanket and I shook my head vigorously, “I don’t want to do this.”

“That’s right, you say it ok?” Cole agreed massaging small little circular patterns into my forearm that he was still holding like he was trying to loosen my muscles to lessen my shaking, my anxiety.

“I don’t want to do this,” I said shaking my head.

“I’m right there with you,” Pat agreed holding me tightly, hugging me as I tried to breathe. Do we know if he has an inhaler?” 

“Dude, we’re naked. Where would he be hiding it?” Cole asked.

Now that made me smile a little bit, helped calm me down a tiny bit someone clearing their throat, “I can go ask Sasha if he knows where one is,” Teddy said quietly behind us.

“Could you?” Pat asked without turning around, “I just don’t want him to…this is hard enough he doesn’t need to be struggling for breath like that.”

“Yeah, I’ll be back,” Teddy said walking away.

“Seriously though, like where would he hide it? His ass is smaller than mine,” Cole said.

“Dude, don’t kill him with laughter either. I can hear him wheezing. We need to try and calm him down not give him emotional whiplash,” Pat said shaking his head behind me even though he sounded amused.

I was wheezing. I could feel the rattle in my chest. The anxiety making it feel like I was breathing through a straw. While a panic attack made my chest hurt a lot it didn’t make my lower chest feel as tight as an asthma attack did, in the beginning, stages the closer I got to needing my inhaler the wheezier my breathing felt and the tighter my lower rib cage felt. Almost like my lungs were failing to inflate all the way down and only inflating halfway with each breath. Someone taping Pat on the shoulder and handing him an inhaler for me to use.

I looked closely at it and noticed that my name was printed on the prescription label making me look at it questioningly while Pat got it ready and held it up for me, “Come on.”

I sighed using it even though it made me feel like a baby before Pat let me just have it, “Where did you get this?” I asked Teddy.

“Sasha fetched it from…,” Teddy sighed, “He’s a freak but he doesn’t want you to die. He had one. Ok?”

“Yeah,” Cole said an angry smile behind his eyes, “Of course he fucking did.”

“Cole…,” Pat said.

“I’m fine,” Cole said nodding his head, “I’m fine. This is fucking stupid.”

“I know,” Teddy said shrugging his shoulders, “Can we like co…”

“Yeah, you guys come on over. Bring over another cot and we’ll huddle up ok?” Pat said nodding his head to which Teddy smiled.

“Thank you,” Quinn said pulling a cot with him as he tried to make sure his blanket was covering what it was supposed to, “It’s just we don’t have older brothers and then they’re like right there and th…”

“We remember. We remember what it was like with those guys. I mean it wasn’t them when we were your age but, we remember how fucking much they made our skin crawl so come on,” Pat said nodding his head in encouragement.

“Did they do this a lot? Someone said lots changed in the past year or two,” Quinn asked them.

“Well, it used to be most parties were for 12 and up so at the time we were the youngest that went for Villa parties. It used to be marking was 12 too but, in the past, like year and a half they dropped it down to 10,” Pat said Teddy nodding his head.

“Tosh said as long as they are 9 and a half they’ve been marking them,” Cole said.

Nine and a half? Mike and Matt were 9 and almost 3 months. They were more than halfway there. Did that mean Lionel was going to mark them soon? That they were going to be property soon too. It seemed like Da was already thinking of them that way. I mean Zac had been there. Had raped them. Da implied he was their contract holder. So maybe…I sighed heavily.

“So, you’re telling me that my Dad is going to have Rick marked in less than 4 years?” Todd asked shaking his head, “Don’t they realize how dangerous that is? It was dangerous to do it to us last year.”

“After you turned 12?” Cole asked to which he nodded his head.

“I was 10,” I said Pat holding me closer.

“What did he say?” Quinn asked quietly getting everyone else to calm down a little bit and listen closer.

“He said he was 10,” Pat said, “It’s ok.”

“So are you like his friend-friend which we’re not supposed to have or…”

“Him?” Cole asked wrinkling his nose in disgust, “God no. No, he’s huh…Pat’s just a good friend. Will’s like a little brother only he’s going to be able to keep his head about him if someone goes after him. John, on the other hand, would set himself on fire and throw himself at someone if he thought it would keep Will safe.”

“Interesting,” Finn said Cole frowning at his face before he glanced behind him his eyebrows going up as he realized what he was seeing.

“You’re the creeps younger brother?” Cole asked him.

“You know him?” Finn asked his nose wrinkling making him look very annoyed.

“Oh, I know him, yeah,” Cole said, “He’s not that much older than I am. You figure only by 3 years. So yeah, I know him.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Finn said quietly.

“I know him too,” Teddy said, “It’s not…he’s an asshole Finn. We all know it. That doesn’t make it your fault though.”

“Teddy who was before you? With…you know?” Quinn asked frowning at Cole.

“Hey, I’m not…,” Teddy trailed off shaking his head. 

It wasn’t something any of us wanted to talk about I don’t think. Being his. Just because we were in his house, surrounded by his people. Everything reeked of him. We knew his apartment was upstairs where he had that bed. The bed that he said he would use if he had to with the dog cage underneath. 

“Why are you asking?” Cole said defensively.

“Because I can’t remember, and Wallace has been his little pet since he was 12,” Finn said.

“Don’t fish and be an asshole,” Cole said, “If you think it’s me just say it.”

“Sorry,” Finn said.

“Look usually I’m a lot more patient but, I just like everyone else doesn’t like being here,” Cole said.

“Ok. Well, huh if you do know him I’m sorry,” Finn said, “he’s not very nice to me either. He’s not really nice to anyone pretty much. Ich bin der Einzige, der zählt, you know, I’m the only that counts. It’s one of his favorite things to say at home.”

“You’ve never told me that,” I pointed out quitely.

“I know just like…I don’t know,” Finn said going quite.

“Where is Todd?” I asked.

“Probably on his way in or not attending,” Teddy answered, “It’s not a mandatory party even though it was strongly recommended that everyone come over a certain age.”

“You, ok?” Pat asked me as he kept a hold of me keeping me close to his body.

“Are you doing your freeze thing?” Quinn asked frowning at me even though he looked more worried than anything.

“Yeah, he’s kind of…he’ll be ok though guys,” Pat tried to assure them.

“Well, we’re all super nervous Will, ok?” Quinn said as the door opened, and another group of boys entered Todd among them who found us and walked our way.

“Hey Todd,” Finn said frowning at him, “Are you ok?”

“I just…,” Todd trailed off shaking his head. 

“It’s ok,” I managed, “It’s ok to be scared.”

“You’re right,” Todd said nodding his head, “This is the first time I don’t have a guaranteed sponsor in a while is all. It's my third party with the older boys. So, it’s…”

“Wait, what?” I asked.

“Often parties are split up by age groups unless it’s during a vacation or they are doing some shuffling of throwaways,” Teddy explained, “Our age group is 18 to 12. But, usually, it’s less by age group and more by grade. So, like seniors down to 7th grade. Next is 6th all the way down to I think it’s 2nd and then before that, they don’t really do parties for that age group because almost everyone is under seven. If they do it’s very exclusive.”

That was something I wasn’t sure if I had heard before or not Pat rubbing my shoulders through my blanket. So that’s why I was one of the youngest guys there because I was in the 7th grade but only 11 years old? The idea sending a shiver down my spine.

“Don’t worry Will,” Teddy said, “Apparently they are grabbing some throwaways for different things. I know one of them is younger than you are. I think he’s 9 or 10. I don’t know why but I think it’s Papa’s way of being nice.”

“Nice about what?” Pat asked.

“Well, we have someone coming from overseas and he likes a certain type of boy and then someone else got a pro…”

“Fuck!” Pat said loud enough to draw attention from other people, the group of trackers in the middle frowning at us, “Are you saying because of my dad they are bringing in throwaways with red hair, so he can take some poor kid to the back room to torture?”

“I didn’t say anything about the back room,” Teddy said shrugging his shoulders even though he averted his eyesight looking at the wall with deep interest.

“That fucking piece of shit I have for a sperm donor. He’s beyond disgusting,” Pat said shaking his head as he looked over the top of my head where he was resting his chin checking on John.

“He’ll be fine,” Cole said, “They’ll both be fine.”

“Only because they are bringing in god knows how many toys that are disposable. Maybe that’s why the Arab guy is coming? Because he has a couple of different ones they are choosing from?” Pat said.

“I think so,” Teddy answered nodding his head, “There’s nothing we can do about it though. 

“I think I’m going to just like chill out for a while,” Teddy said laying back on a cot that was in our corner, “You’re going to need to sleep, guys. If you don’t you’ll regret it later. You always do.”

“He’s right,” Pat said, “You can stay with me if you want or stretch out on your own.”

I had to think about it for a minute. I felt safe with Pat and I had a feeling I wouldn’t be safe without someone close to me. The way that Wallace wanted me I had a feeling that all he had to do was ask and have the opportunity and all the stuff going on above my clothing would very easily convert to things going on without clothing. That was something that I was terrified of. I didn’t want to do those things with anyone but, especially not with Wallace.

“I’ll stay here if that’s ok,” I mumbled.

“Ok, you stay closest to the wall,” Pat told me rolling over, “Try to get some sleep for a little bit. It might be hard to do because the crowd is just going to keep growing. Honestly, I think they need to open another holding room.”

“Agreed,” Teddy said before yawning, “They probably will once the trackers say something.”

“I hope so,” Finn said as well.

I tried to sleep but the din of the noise around us kept increasing. The trackers shouting for people to start settling down. Eventually, some of the sounds started to fade and I managed to rest a little bit. Spending most of the afternoon half-conscious just waiting for whatever was going to happen to happen.


	71. Chapter 71

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Villa party continues, Will is assaulted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1816 to 1847. A lot happens here, of course. **Warnings: Rape/non-con, forced oral, forced anal fingering, forced rimming, forced kissing, gang bang, forced 3-some** I will release the poker game part 2 now so you can have the whole story or as close to it as you are ever going to see. John Pov part 2 Chapter 26/27 ****

Eventually, the sounds in the room started to die down. Only a couple of small conversations going on that slowly faded away into silence. At first, I wasn’t sure if this increased my anxiety or decreased it, Pat’s back resting up against my own as I tried to relax, to tell myself that everything would be ok no matter what happened to me while I was there. Eventually, the sounds started to pick up again as it got later into the day the only thing telling us that time was passing being the sun reflected through the window because this room, like most of the others in the Villa, were void of clocks.

I got up to use the bathroom. I remember feeling sick and slightly dizzy. Probably because it was late afternoon and I hadn’t had anything to eat besides the bowl of oatmeal before we had left the house and that was all I was going to get all day so; my body was tired, and my mind was groggy. I wondered when they would be coming to get us as I washed my hands and when I opened the door he was standing there making me thankful I had used my blanket.

“Hi baby,” he said smiling at me like I should be happy to see him his eyes roaming my blanket covered body for a minute, “You’re ok. I’m not going to hurt you.”

“You’re not supposed to touch me,” I barely managed my heart rate picking up.

“I’m not going to. I’m just here to use the bathroom. I can’t touch you without his permission,” Wallace assured me as he stood there like he was waiting for me to move out of the way, so he could enter the bathroom before I left it causing me to move to the side of the door, so he could come in.

“Thank you,” he said smiling at me the same way he always smiled at me, “I’ll see you later I’m sure.”

“Yeah,” I managed as I moved quickly to get out of there before he did anything to me.

He didn’t even physically put his hands on me, yet I still felt that panic in my chest. Still felt my body freaking out as if waiting for it. As if I was waiting for him to lock me in the bathroom with him, to press me into the wall and feel his hands on me or feel him grabbing my hand and…I shook my head trying to shake away the thought as I kept walking back to our corner before a bunch of trackers stood up as a group of older guys entered the room among them, Mr. Brian and Sergei.

“Ok, everyone, listen up!” Brian said loudly, “We’re going to line everyone up from rank and height. So, fives and greenies come to the center of the room, so we can get you situated and out of here.”

I sighed and stood up. I thought it was weird. I remember thinking that. That they would only want fives and that he didn’t seem to be annoyed in the least that other groups were moving around. Like John had moved almost across the room and was standing near a kid with red hair. A kid that was probably my age as I went over to the center of the room before realizing that I was probably supposed to leave my blanket behind.

“It’s ok,” Mr. Brian told me as he noticed the look on my face, “Just throw it down you’ll get another one later.”

His eyes told me he was excited, and I remember feeling weird about it, about letting my blanket go and confused by the fact that it was almost like he wanted to see me naked. Like he hadn’t seen me naked before? He had seen me naked plenty of times by that point but never while he wasn’t grooming me. The idea unsettling me as I used my hands to cover myself.

Out of everyone there that I knew that was in my grade only three of us lined up, Finn, Teddy and myself our bodies plainly on display for the whole room to see the three of us being the youngest in the room. Even though I was far from being one of the shortest and was actually taller than Teddy and Finn both which means I was not at the very back of the line. There were even another two kids who were older than I think even John was that were behind me in line. The front of the line being dominated by trackers who proudly stood there in all their glory not bothering to cover themselves at all but just standing there like it was the most normal thing in the world to have your penis out in front of a crowd of boys one or two of them sporting erections as they did so. A couple of them stepping back away from the line leaving only three of them standing there.

As soon as we were lined up the way they wanted us to they then called the fours out the line starting to look a little more crowded as they sorted the fours into the line with fives by height inserting them where they needed to be. They did this with each rank until there was one long line starting from somewhere outside the room to the back wall of the room by the window before we started moving forward and down the white marbled hallways.

I felt almost like my heart stopped beating the moment I entered that huge room. The room where they had raped me, where they had put that hot metal branding iron to my side the feeling making me go weak in the knees as I stood there. As I listened to him talk. As I listened to him make his announcements about how Hank was now a detective and how there was another special guest there to celebrate Hanks promotion as a “victory” for the brotherhood. Then some men rolled their dice and stones were drawn meaning that some of the boys standing among us were going to be raped by those men very shortly my knees growing weaker by the second as I stood there before my brain managed to tune back into what it was hearing.

“Bottom fives come forward,” Lionel said looking around, “Come up here my boys,” he said waving us towards the front of the room the person behind me grabbing my shoulders as I started to stumble Wallace not leaving the line, he wasn’t in line but seeming to appear out of nowhere in order to help support me a little bit and make sure I didn’t fall down.

“You’re ok,” he told me patting my shoulder as he helped me up onto the platform behind Lionel.

“If the tallest could step to the front,” he said before looking out at the crowd, “This, he said grabbing some poor boy next to John, is Ryuu. He is recruit tracked and so will be very cooperative. He’s quiet, submissive and doesn’t mind pain. However, he will do whatever you require of him. Any takers for a sponsor?” he asked numbers being called out until no one else raised their hands some guy walking forward and grabbing him by the arm quietly.

I don’t remember who did that for John but when it was my turn I felt beyond sick only one person raising their hand for me as all the other men stood by silently. The next thing I remember I blinked and his hands were on my shoulders as he was pushing me forward up some stairs.

“We’ll have fun,” he murmured in my ear as I felt myself panicking.

What was…why was this happening? What was happening?

“You are a pretty little thing,” the guy said looking at me his hands going to between my legs, “Your husband say it magical?” he asked me grabbing at me.

His skin was dark, tan. His eyes brown but to me, they looked black. His English was slightly broken, and he had an accent like he wasn’t from the US and I could tell he wasn’t from home. I didn’t like the way he was looking at me, the way his hand went between my legs like he owned me. Like I was his.

“You speak?” he asked me.

Wh…what was there to say? He’d just ran his hand over my balls and my taint as he was behind to make sure I walked forward and up the stairs. How did…what was there to say? He’d called Lionel my husband. What type of husband slowly threw you away like you were nothing and traded you in for your younger brother? Who was this person?

“He say he be here soon, he has to finish ceremony and then he will come,” Sergei said from somewhere behind us, “Room 33.”

Sergei walked us down a hallway and to the lift the man looking at me, grabbing my face and tilting it upward so I could look at him more closely, “You do well in my country. Every man love boy with light hair. Pretty boy like you,” he mentioned, “He is good?”

“He is good,” Sergei told him nodding his head and smiling.

“He speaks?” The guy asked.

“Yes, speak William,” Sergei said.

“Hello,” I managed quietly.

The guy let out a loud barking laugh making me jump as the lift stopped probably on the top floor and he took us to the end of the hallway where he pulled open two double doors. It wasn’t a room but more like an apartment of some kind. It reminded me of the apartment Lionel had only instead of being a whole apartment with a kitchen it seemed to only have a living and bathroom with several other small rooms that were joined to it. Sergei waving at us as he shut the door behind him.

“You mine now,” the man said, “You pretty boy, yes?”

He went to touch me, and I had to fight the urge to move away. There was a whole apartment area in front of me that I could explore but only if he let me. I was supposed to be his. He had paid money for me. Money to have sex with me. The thought causing goosebumps to rise on my skin as he looked at me while I stood there naked.

“You are a sexy boy. People back home like you lots,” he said to which I nodded my head, “I see your video. Such a good boy play with all baba’s friends huh?”

“I…I…,” I tried pretty sure that eventually, someone would get angry with me if they learned I wasn’t talking.

They didn’t care that I was afraid. They didn’t care that I didn’t want to be in the same room with him let alone have him touching me. They wanted me to give him what he paid for.

“You, shy boy? It be, ok,” he said walking up to me.

For some reason, I remember him seeming so tall. Huge towering over me. His whole being overpowering mine before he ever laid a hand on me. His fingers gently tilting my chin upward again to look at him.

He just gazed at me. Stared at my eyes. As he watched me I could feel my chest heaving, my body yelling at me to move, to scream. Telling me that he was going to hurt me, and I needed to run! To run now! And yet…I couldn’t move. I felt like I was going to stop breathing as he leaned down, as his mouth got closer to my face as he…

He kissed me. Someone I had never met before and he was kissing me and then licking my lips as he tried to push his tongue past them. As his hands went to my butt lifting me, giving me no choice but to let my legs dangle there limply or wrap them around him. Around his waist where he was just wearing a simple white robe and a sad excuse for underwear that wasn’t hiding anything his fingers sliding along my crack like he was going to…like, he was going to penetrate me.

“You excited?” he asked me as he started kissing my neck pinning me up against a wall or door starting to grind against me my whole being feeling violated as it got hard to breathe, “Me too. We have lots of fun. Lots of fun tifl.”

I don’t remember him opening a door, but it felt more like I blinked, and I was on a bed. He was licking me. My body, my stomach. Licking me and making this weird sounds that reminded me of an animal as he nipped at my skin,   
“mmm,” escaped before I could stop it. 

“It feel good, good boy? You ready?” he said before I felt his fingers. His fingers inside of me pressing against me hard searching for something, pinching.

“AH I…I…f…fuck me,” I barely managed to gasp hoping that if I gave him something he would stop.

Which he did. Momentarily his eyes lighting up like I had just told him he had won a million dollars. He grinned at me like a fool as he forgot his fingers were in my anal cavity and started kissing my neck and chest rolling and pulling me on top of him.  
“I….” I managed before I whimpered his fingers starting to move inside of me even though his hand was going between my legs.

I didn’t feel right. He was no longer pushing as hard into me but, it still wasn’t comfortable. I had only been somewhat on top of one person and that was…what that man was doing to me was light years away from how that felt.

I remember him muttering something in a language I didn’t understand before he bit my neck. Sucking. I wanted him to stop and I could feel myself freezing up, freezing around his fingers that were still inside of me. As he made a growling sound at me. My body no longer able to override my brain as I had to fight to myself to keep from pushing him away, from telling him no suddenly the door opened.

“There’s my little one. Oh, you got him on top Amir? I’m impressed. Usually, he’s very shy,” He said causing me to unfreeze a little bit. 

At least I knew him. At least I knew what he wanted from me. At least I knew what to expect, what he was going to say to me. The things he was going to call me. At least I knew where his mouth was going to go at least…

“He’s shy. Good sexy boy still,” Amir as his name apparently was said his fingers coming out of me as he sat up a little bit pulling me against his chest.

“Have you been a good host my little one?” Lionel asked me.

I went to go nod my head before I heard the words echo in my ears without leaving his mouth making me stop, “Yes, Daddy L,” I replied instead, and I swear I felt him smile behind me even though I couldn’t see him.

“Has he been oddly silent Amir? We’re working on our words but, he is rather bashful most of the time,” Lionel told him.

“He be quiet. A little bit too quiet most of time but he did say to fuck him when I put my fingers in,” Amir.

“Yes, he does like penetration, don’t you little one?” Lionel asked quietly before he started kissing on one side of my neck.

My chest had felt tight the entire time Amir had been assaulting me. I wouldn’t say he was raping me not really his mouth mostly staying in places above my waist and he hadn’t been penetrating me for most of it either but, he had been rubbing against me rather hard. Almost like it was heavy petting or foreplay and even today I’m not sure it was actual rape at that point even if it was close to it but, he had been molesting me and rolling around in a bed with me.

I was feeling out of breath and I think I may have grabbed the front of Lionel’s robe because my chest was feeling so tight it was painful my body right on the edge of a panic attack Lionel’s eyes snapping open as I grabbed him before he looked at me and ran a hand through my hair.

“He has a medical issue,” Lionel explained reaching into his pocket and pulling out an inhaler that was the same color as the one Teddy had gotten for me earlier, “That could be why he wasn’t talking. He has asthma.”

“I not know. Why you not say anything?” Amir asked looking at me.

“He gets shy,” Lionel repeated administering my inhaler to me, “Little one, if you can’t breathe, say something ok? While we want you to enjoy yourself or at least feign enjoyment we don’t want you to risk your life. That doesn’t give us satisfaction we want you to enjoy yourself as much as we hope to enjoy you, isn’t that right Amir?”

“That is right,” Amir said running his hands over my hips and abs, “Pretty boy, sexy boy.”

“Are you having fun, Amir?” Lionel asked him to which Amir pursed his lips like he had to think about the question, “Is there anything we can do to make this visit more satisfactory?”

“I watch him play with 3 people. I want to play at same time,” Amir said.

I didn’t understand what he meant. Lionel smiling at him and nodding his head before he flipped me over, so I was under him.

“Daddy….” I started to ask, wondering what was happening.

“Relax little one. I would never hurt you unless it was warranted,” Lionel assured me as he put a bottle of lube on the bed next to Amir and me before Amir gestured for Lionel to hand him something.

A black wrapped package as he let me go for a minute, so he could put it on. Put on the condom. My eyes instantly starting to sting even though I had known it was coming. That he was…

“Calm, Calm little one,” Lionel said to me, “He’s not going to hurt you. This is for you to enjoy too. I’m sorry he just gets nervous. There’s no need to be nervous little one. You’re doing so good don’t ruin it now.”

Somehow even though I hated it, hated what was going on, I listened. My tears ceasing before they even fell. I made a hissing sound as he pushed in as I tried to relax Lionel and Amir both petting my outer thighs as my whole body shook.

“That’s it little one, nice deep breaths. Nice and deep,” Lionel said smiling at me encouraging me to stay calm even as I started making a wheezing soundless because I couldn’t breathe and more because I was…I didn’t want it, “Give him just a minute he loves penetration he just gets nervous and tenses up a little bit. Are you ok little one?”

I nodded my head still trying to breathe. I didn’t like penetration with them. I wanted to scream it at him, I didn’t want this guy doing this to me. I didn’t know him. I didn’t…

“Look at me,” Lionel said suddenly, “Look here, in my eyes…there you are beautiful little one. Everything is ok. There is not a thing to be nervous about. No need to worry. I’m right here and everything will be fine.”

I remember the first thrust jolting me causing me to grunt and close my eyes. Lionel still encouraging me rubbing my sides as he realized he wasn’t going to get what he wanted out of me. The reactions Da made me practice him sighing before he apparently had an idea, “Why don’t you roll onto your side with him Amir, I have an idea that usually bring him to where he needs to be.”

“Ok, you sexy boy huh?” Amir asked me pulling out and rolling me onto my left hip before slowly working his way back in kissing my neck as I tried to relax my eyes opening as I felt the wetness, felt the mouth, his mouth, “Feed Abba,” Amir muttered starting to thrust.

I could feel how much I hated myself as my hand went to his head, as I tried to keep breathing and Amir bucked into me. I felt like I was barely breathing. Like I was struggling to just be. It was almost like they were pushing me underwater. Over and over and I couldn’t find the time to breathe, the ability to catch what little air was being offered to me, my whole body shaking as I rounded my lips to exhale, to try and keep myself from freaking out the slight humming moan escaping from me as I tried to stay calm knowing that if I tried to speak it wasn’t going to be something that they were ok with.

I would embarrass them. It was better to stay silent than to embarrass them. They would kill me if I embarrassed them by telling Amir to stop, by telling them both to stop, that I didn’t want what was happening to keep happening. That I didn’t want to have sex with them. If I did that I wouldn’t be the only one to suffer so instead I chose to be silent. To use my body language to try and express something different. To try and use it the way Sam and had told me to.

I could feel myself wanting to be sick as I wrapped my ankle around Amir’s and ran my hand through Lionel’s hair. As I let my body crowd my brain with that feeling. That snow. That overpowering snow. I remember things getting fuzzy. Almost like they had somehow drugged me during the middle of it, my brain shutting down. Amir finishing at some point and walking away and then Lionel. Lionel on me. 

I remember him pushing into me and feeling the difference. I don’t remember ever being able to feel the difference before. Feel how a condom provided more glide so that it pinched a little less going in. That a condom takes away some of the friction so it’s not as intense when they hit up against your prostate. I remember him grabbing my neck and then turning my head to the side as he bit into my neck.

“You like that my little one?” He asked me as he moved his body, “You’re tensing, you need to relax. Let it build. Make love to me,” he muttered into my jaw bone.

Did I like it? No. No, I didn’t like it. I wanted him to stop. I needed him to stop.

“Don’t be a tease baby, pop that boy pussy my beautiful little one, let me know how good it feels. Let me give you my milk,” he moaned as a door opened someone coming into the room as he finished inside of me. 

He got off me. Like I wasn’t anything or he had something else he needed to do before the person grabbed me. My stomach nearly rebelling against the movement. I think it was Sergei because Lionel lazily waved at him from the bathroom where he was going.

“Ne zastavlyay yego khodit'. My trakhali yego khorosho. Prosto podnimite yego,” Lionel said, (Don’t make him walk. We fucked him good. Just lift him up.)

With that Sergei lifted me up. I didn’t want him touching me. I just wanted to sleep my body was sore. The way that, my body felt it felt like I had been fucked by five men instead of just two. Instead of just Lionel and Amir.

“Sergei?” I asked.

“Da, malo kto?” he asked me.

“Why do…did…,” I sighed heavily.

“Is ok,” he said shaking his head, “Press button.” He added as we stopped in front of the lift.

“Why did you do that? On the…” I tried again.

“Video?” he asked to which I nodded my head, “I told to. My world different from yours. He save me, I owe him.”

“Saved you?” I asked quietly.

“The men, they come with guns. Lots of guns, screaming. I was younger, 13, 14. Many people die, and man find me. Hurt me and take me away. Tell me he save my life but make me…trakhat'sya s muzhchinami, chtoby zhit'. I learn Russian, I go to party like this. He see me. Buy me. I no longer have to with so many. He save me.” (fuck with men to live.)

“Oh,” I said quietly not sure what to say.

“It ok malo kto,” he said, “Nothing against you. I just do what told. Like you,” he said shrugging his shoulders as we got off the lift and he walked down the stairs and back to the holding room, “You stay be good, da?”

I nodded my head. I wasn’t sure what else to say. I had only wondered because he never looked at me like that really. Like he was interested in having sex with me but when he had been told to. He had done it, he had raped me but otherwise, he wasn’t mean. He didn’t really interact with me but to do what he was told to. I wasn’t sure how old Sergei was. I’m still not sure and at the time I didn’t know much about war or the history of it. 

Years later I would come to find out that he was between 17 and 22 at the time. That he the screaming and the men with the guns had been machine guns. That he had been present during the Srebrenica genocide in Bosnia. Like I said it would be years before I knew that about him though. 

How Lionel had brought him from a man who hadn’t treated him very nicely. One who had saved his life only to rape and abuse him like many of the women and other young children had been raped and abused around him. That the man was eventually planning to kill him, and Lionel had brought him and saved his life. So, he decided to stay because outside of Lionel he had nothing left.

I felt my legs scream at me to lay down as soon as possible when I went to move. My whole lower body complaining until I saw Cole and Tosh bent over next to a cot. A cot where I could only see a crown of red hair with Dr. Palmer nearby my pain almost completely forgotten as I waddled over.

“What happened?” I asked.

“Will, it’s,” Dr. Palmer started…

“Is he ok? What happened what’s wro…”

“Will,” Cole said grabbing me across the chest as Tosh grabbed a blanket and threw it over my shoulder, “It’s ok. He’ll be ok. He’s just…”

“It’s a conversion disorder,” Dr. Palmer explained, “I’ve seen a couple guys do it. It might never happen again. It might happen a couple more times he’s just overly stressed, and his body doesn’t know how to process it anymore. Sort of like how you have stress-induced asthma and we thought he did too for a while.”

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“He had a seizure because of stress,” Dr. Palmer told us, “He’ll be ok though. It wasn’t a long one it lasted probably under a minute. He’ll start coming around shortly just let him rest. Just…”

“Jack?” I remember asking quietly feeling like I had just gotten punched. So now he wasn’t trying to commit suicide because of his stress but, his body was trying to kill him because he couldn’t escape it just like my body was trying to kill me.

“Will,” Dr. Palmer said going to tap my shoulder as I watched Tosh shake his head out of the corner of my eye.

Tosh muttered something to him to which Dr. Palmer nodded his head, “Sorry, Will, I have an inhaler here. Another one. I want to make sure you have one with you. Just to be safe. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to bring one around before but, I had other things I had to do.

“I huh, he has one,” I said.

“Amir?” Dr. Palmer asked me frowning.

“You mean the leader?” Cole said.

“Co…”

“We all know that was fucking staged,” Cole said seeming angrier about it than anyone should be, “That was staged, and he didn’t hide it at all. Everyone else just fucking stood there twiddling their fucking thumbs while…”

“Cole, calm down,” Dr. Palmer said, “No one is going to do anything about it. He’s his boy. If he doesn’t want to share him he won’t. He’s the only one who has that power.”

“It’s fucking lame ass power. If he wanted to pull that why didn’t he just do what he did last time when Jai was on this side of the Ocean? No one is stupid enough to believe that wasn’t staged. He shares everything with Jai and Jai is just as much of a fu…Tosh! Tosh wait!” Cole said as Tosh got up walking away.

“I don’t think Tosh likes Mr. Hou all that much,” Dr. Palmer said glancing at his watch and then glancing around the room, “You’re being watched.”

“I know. I’m aware. What time is it?” I asked him.

“I’m not allowed to tell you,” Dr. Palmer said, “it’s a tactic they use to up your anxiety and confuse you. It makes you more likely to believe it’s either not going to end or the whole thing is ending sooner so you just give up on fighting. Those of you that do fight.”

“Isn’t that a torture method?” I asked him.

Vic smiled at me and shrugged his shoulders, “We don’t torture we teach real love and discipline,” he told me winking.

“Right,” I nodded my head catching what he was saying as Tosh and Cole came back over.

“So, what is wrong with him, again?” Tosh asked.

“He’s having NES. I’m waiting for him to…there you are,” Vic said as John blinked up at him opening his eyes, “I have something right here, John you’re going to feel a poke. This should help but, it’s going to make you sleepy,” He said reaching into his bag and pulling out a syringe full of something before John could really move or say anything.”

“I thought you wanted him awake?” I asked.

“I wanted him to show he was conscious. I needed to make sure he was ok. That is a tranquilizer. It’s going to help relieve some stress and make sure he gets some rest. You need to get some rest too, ok?”

I wasn’t done? He must have seen the look in my face because he sighed looking at me, “I know, I understand I do. But, there’s still a lot of time left in this. A lot of people are going to want to sign your card so just try and relax. If you need to cry this would be the place to do it but, be careful about it, ok? No sound and just try to stay near friends. I would seriously try to sleep though.”

I nodded my head not sure if there was anything left to say as Tosh nodded his head in agreement, “You’ll be ok. You are tough, a brave guy, yes?” he asked me.

“Will, why don’t you lay down next to John? Just try and sleep?” Cole suggested.

“What does everyone know that I don’t?” I asked.

I remember feeling confused about why everyone wanted me to rest as I looked around the room I was in. There were probably half as many boys as there had been previously and the ones that did seem to be there looked just as tired as I felt. Just as worn down.

“I’m not sure what you mean,” Cole told me, “Seriously it’s just because it’s going to be a very long night and day. Last time I saw a clock it was 1 pm and I would say that was probably right before we started. It’s at least three hours past that if not more like four. So that puts us at around 4 pm. Almost everyone here is usually starting to settle down and watching TV after an afternoon of moving around most weekends. So, while it’s not late they aren’t used to being gang banged just like you aren’t. Everyone is tired, so I figured I don’t know you’d be tired too…?”

Cole sounded annoyed. I had never honestly seen him that tired though besides the one party that my Da hosted where we were locked in together with John and Pat. The idea of him being short with me hitting me oddly for some reason. That everyone was getting it just as hard as I was. That this wasn’t something anyone was just going to be brushing off anytime soon. That this was physically and emotionally exhausting for everyone involved. The thought made me nod my head in agreement before I curled up next to John pressing my back against his as Cole sighed heavily.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly, “I just…I’m sorry Will I di…”

“I know you didn’t,” I answered before he could finish his sentence, “I just…we’re all stressed, right?”

“Right,” he said nodding his head as Dr. Palmer smiled at us.

“You’ll be ok guys. I know you will be,” He said standing up, “I need to go check on some other kids, so you guys just try and relax, get some sleep.”

“I want this to be over,” I told them.

“We’re right there with you,” Cole said, “Just chill for a while.”

“Ok,” I agreed nodding my head, “Night.”

“Yeah,” Cole said rolling over.

At some point, I think they turned off most of the overhead lights leaving only a couple on, so it was dimmer in the room. I had trouble resting instead choosing to try and keep my eyes closed as I listened to everything going on. People moving around. At one point, Finn and Teddy walked by and I listened to them talk for a while. Teddy apparently knew how to sail and so they went to go find a window to see if he could figure out what time it was.

For some reason, I remember that relaxing me a little bit. Knowing that there was some gage of normalcy nearby. Just hearing them talk about the possibility of being able to find a window out in the hallway that would allow them to see enough of the sky to tell what time it was. I remember staying close to John as he slept. His body completely still behind me as I laid there with him thinking about how it might be our last weekend together for a while.

How if he was right, for the next six months to a year most of our weekends would be spent apart. The only time I really got to talk to him alone. The only time I was really able to unwind enough to tell him anything. My heart aching a little bit as I rolled over and spooned with him the feeling of his breathing against my forehead making me relax enough that I managed to get some sleep.

“He had a seizure?” I heard Pat whisper nearby to someone, that being the first thing I heard as I started to wake up.

“Yeah,” Cole answered nodding his head, “Neither one of them are…”

“Will’s trying. I think he’s stressing himself out even more by not talking to anyone,” Pat said back.

“He could talk to me,” Cole said, “I didn’t say he couldn’t just that…”

“Dude, he told me what you said don’t make excuses, ok? I understand why you’re scared about it but, that’s not how you deal with it. He needs us. They both need us. If anyone knows how Will feels right now it’s you. So, you need to try and be there,” Pat told him.

“I am trying! Just…look, he told me if I was alone with him I’d be risking everything. I’d be risking death. I’m not allowed to be alone with him. How is he going to open up if I can’t be alone with him? You expect him to talk about all of that in front of other people? There are things I haven’t told anyone, even you,” Cole said.

“Yeah, and I know that. And maybe if you would talk about them you wouldn’t get as stressed as you do. Maybe then things would be easier for you too,” Pat said.

“I can’t,” I heard Cole whisper back, “I want to but…I…”

“It doesn’t have to be anything you don’t want it to be. No one is asking you to go there. I know that’s where you naturally go but, no one is saying it has to be that,” Pat said.

“If he finds out…he’ll kill me. I’ll never be able to…you know how much he’s ruined my life already? If he finds out that I might…with his boy? I can’t Pat. I can’t, it’s safer for him and me to distance myself. To let him acc…”

“You expect him to be able to accept the fact that he’s in a relationship he doesn’t want to be in with a 62-year-old man? He’s 11 years old,” Pat answered back.

“I know he’s 11 years old! That’s the problem! He’s too young. He’s too young for me to have those feelings. It’s not right and it’s not fair. None of this is fair to him. He deserves to have feelings for someone his own age. Someone who isn’t going to be able to con…”

“Control him? News flash if what you told me is true he’s trying to take control. Why else would he have asked? Hiding behind Tosh isn’t going to help. You know Tosh is still using even though he told you he wanted to stop, and you have stopped but quit lying to everyone. You didn’t stop for Tosh. I know you didn’t stop for Tosh. I’m going to go. I’m not supposed to be over here anyway,” Pat said as I think he started to move, to walk away.

For some reason, I yawned figuring my con was up I stretched starting to wake up both of them going silent as I opened my eyes.

“Did you manage to get some sleep?” Cole asked me.

“Yeah, a little bit,” I answered nodding my head, “He hasn’t moved really.”

“Well, he was sedated. Usually, when Vic knocks you out, he knocks you out,” I heard someone behind me say, “He should be waking up shortly. They might give him the full six hours or so if Vic tells them he knocked him on his ass. We’re going to be on the tables again in a little while though.”

“The tables?” I asked.

“Yeah, I didn’t get a sponsor,” Cole told me giving me a small smile, “It’s pretty much the same stuff going on as in the rooms just no privacy for the handlers and they don’t need permission from someone during the party they just sign the card and that’s it. If they want to or are super edger they’ll stand in a line in front of your table and wait. They have a time limit which is 30 minutes and if they aren’t done or they want to keep going they need to talk to the guy behind them or they go to the back of the line and wait again.”

“I didn’t know that. Do you think he’s going to be ok?” I said feeling weird about the whole thing. Feeling weird knowing that on the tables a man had 30 minutes to fuck you and finish or else he had to either give up or go to the back of a line of other men who just wanted to fuck you too.

“Hey, I’m Burgess. Not to bud in, I know John though. Honestly,” Adam said, “The tables are easier. Sponsors you don’t have time limits unless they set one with the people they let see you. That just means they can fuck you for hours. I don’t get sponsored, but I’ve heard they’ll fuck you until you pass out. I always that was beyond cruel that they exhaust someone until they manage to mentally escape just to bring them back by changing activities or positions or something else. I think John will be ok. I just don’t get some stuff though. Like why they can’t leave him alone, what it is about him. I have never met a five that is as bad off as he is.”

“I haven’t figured it out either. He’s not the only one like that though. There’s a couple of fives that they treat as badly as they treat the rest of us,” Cole said briefly looking at me, “A lot of people like having sponsors because it limits who is allowed access to you but, then you have guys like Burgess said they believe the tables are easier. Honestly, I hate them both. I mean everyone does but, they are both beyond horrible,” Cole said as John started to shift his weight from side to side next to me.

“Wha appen?” He asked groggily blinking at us.

“Hey,” I said grabbing his hand and then running my hand through his hair, “Dr. Palmer said you had a seizure. Are you ok?”

He nodded his head trying to sit up Cole placing a hand on his chest to keep him down, “Seizure?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Are you ok?”

“I…think so? I …don't know…I…I don’t know.”

“Do you remember who you were with?” Tosh asked from where he was sitting on a cot behind me.

“Lou…Dobbs,” John said.

Everything going on made me wonder where Dom was if everyone was just sleeping when they weren’t on the clock which it would make sense if they did all things considered. It felt weird. To think that we were all just so tired we didn’t even care about being naked or hungry, we just wanted to sleep.

“Shit,” Burgess said, “He did something bad didn’t he?”

John curled himself into a ball trying to hide his face pulling his blanket up over himself as he started to shake as I started to rub John’s back. Trying to pull John into my lap to comfort him. In order to try and make him feel better.

“Hey, it’s ok. I’m right here John, it’s ok,” I said running my hands through his hair, “It’s almost over. We’re almost out of here.”

“No,” he barely whispered, “I have to go with Leo after this. I’m with him until I leave for school on Monday.”

“Maybe if I ask Da nicely he’ll let you come home with us?” I asked him.

I didn’t know what I was going to do other than talk to Lionel. Maybe if I did something else. Something that he really wanted me to do he’d let John go home with us. Tell Da that he needed to come home with us no matter what his contract said.

I wanted him home. I needed him at home and I just…I was desperate to try anything. I remember that feeling. The feeling of being desperate to try anything to get him to come home with Da and I John’s face going cold as he looked up at me.

“Don’t you fucking dare, Will! No deals with him on your back. I swear to God I will so fucking mad at you I will lose it!” he snapped at me.

What? Wh…Why? I needed him. I needed him and I…

I saw Pat enter the room as I looked up at the wall telling myself that John wasn’t mad at me. That he was mad at the situation the idea that Da might use me and then not allow him to come home anyway. That he wasn’t mad at me but more at the idea that Da would do that to me. Pat frowning at me and giving me a look as he started to come over towards us.

“Ok, no deals,” I sighed heavily shaking my head, “I swear, ok?”

He nodded his head as Pat worked his way over.

“Are you ok?” he asked.

“He seems to be ok,” I answered.

“It was the overstimulation that caused it I bet,” Burgess said, “Fucking Lou.”

Pat looked at Burgess and frowned at him. Like he was seeing him for the first time making me wonder who knew him and how. Making me wonder who he was.

“Who are you?” Pat asked kind of harshly his forehead wrinkled almost like he was mad about him being there.

“Adam,” the guy answered changing his name randomly, “Nice to meet you.”

Adam? Did I know Adam? Wait, I knew Adam. I’d heard of him from…

“You’re Adam?” I asked him.

“Or Burgess, yeah,” he said nodding his head as he looked at me, “Why?”

“I…I’ve heard about you.”

“You heard about him earlier,” John told me quietly grabbing my hand, “We talked with Dom remember?”

Right, we had. That wasn’t the first time I had heard about Adam though. Adam had tried to kill someone. He had ended up in the hospital for a breakdown. The Morrows had wanted him though. Decided they wanted him and that everything would be ok. That Adam was salvageable but did I really want to discuss that in a room full of guys he was just introducing himself to?

“Right,” I said nodding my head.

“I’m Pat,” Pat said relaxing a little as he took him in and decided he wasn’t a threat to anyone there.

“Ah!” he said before looked at John nodding his head and winking at him.

“What?” Pat asked frowning again.

“Nothing, I got to know John in the hospital,” Adam explained.

“You know what happened?” Pat asked looking at him.

“I know Lou. If I know Lou I know him well enough by now to know that when John was done Lou wasn’t,” Adam answered simply.

“Wait, who is Lou?” Pat asked looking at John.

“Morrow,” John said from where he was still lying, “Lou Morrow.”

“Morrow as in Dom?” Pat asked.

“Yeah, that Lou,” Adam said, “I’m their new pet.”

“Oh shit,” Pat said shaking his head, “They are into weird stuff,” Pat said as John tensed in my lap.

“So is Leo,” he said sitting up as he started to shiver, almost like he was moving away from me so that he wasn’t touching me, so he didn’t scare me Pat putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Lay down,” Pat pleaded with him.

“Pat, I just spent god knows how long laying down,” he said shaking his head.

“Ra—John, I don’t care. Lay down. If it was caused by stress you could have another one so, try and relax please,” Pat said shaking his head at him.

“Pat…,” I said pointing out the way he was looking at him the way he was touching him, how he shouldn’t be that close to him, “You need to watch it.”

Pat sighed before he pulled his hand back like it was on fire looking around the room slightly to see who was paying attention to our little group causing me to look too. The room was mostly quiet. Almost everyone was sleeping two trackers sprawled out across the couches in the center of the room snoring. My brain registering that more than half of them were missing making me wonder where they were but, also making me wonder where several other people were as well. It seemed like Dom was missing as well as Finn and Todd. Teddy was missing and Julian who had been sitting with the trackers earlier. 

It made me wonder how it all worked. The …timing. How they had people on the tables and if they rotated boys. My brain realizing, they probably did. That after Sponsors were picked and everyone was assigned they probably rotated things, so boys could have breaks without having to stop the party completely. That it was an orgy pretty much. An orgy broken down into smaller groups that were gang banging people. That we were the ones being gang banged and so sometimes we needed a break. 

Pat sighed pulling his hands under his blanket as he looked at Adam, “What is Lou into?”

“He…huh,” Adam sighed looking at his lap as his face started to turn pink…

John laid back down covering his ears shaking causing me to rub his shoulder, “It’s ok. It’s ok…” I repeated even though I was sure he couldn’t hear me, and he was shaking so bad I thought he was going to have another seizure. 

“It’s that bad?” Pat asked looking at John to which Adam nodded his head.

“He likes sounding. He likes bondage. He likes a lot of stuff. He’s not nice. He likes older boys because they can handle it. Before I moved in Dom didn’t have his own bed let alone his own room. In the house we’re not allowed to wear clothes,” Adam said staring at his hands, “It’s just bad.”

“I’m sorry,” Pat said not sure what else there was to say, “Do you think he did that to…?”

“Sounding and toy stuff? Probably,” Adam said, “It’s one of his favorite things listening to you scream because you have a toy up your ass on full blast to the point where you can’t stop your body from…he’ll leave it there until it burns.”

I shivered. Uncle Ben had done that to me before. And I had just wanted it to stop. He had made me scream until I couldn’t scream anymore something probably showing on my face as I looked at John because of the way he frowned at me.

“What?” he asked me quietly.

“Did he do that to you?” I asked looking at him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said not able to look at me his nervous tick kicking in.

He was lying. That’s why he had covered his ears because he didn’t want to hear Adam admit to it. Admit to the things Lou did because that’s what Lou had done to him. Because Lou was sick. Lou was into kinky things and John didn’t want to think about how that was something he had been forced to deal with.

“You might not have heard what Adam just described but, I’m pretty sure you know what it was anyway. Is that something they did to you? Did Leo do that to you?” I asked him his eyes filling with tears as he looked at me before he couldn’t keep eye contact. 

He was too ashamed. Ashamed that he had let someone use his body like that when he hadn’t let them do anything. They had made him. He could stop them about as much as I could stop Lionel from pimping me out, from pointing a camera in my face. He had as little control as I did, and he hated it. He hated seeming weak and stupid just like I did.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he repeated closing his eyes as he shook his head slowly at me.

“Ok,” I said bending forward and kissing his forehead before pulling the blanket over his face, so he could have a moment of a little privacy because knowing John he wouldn’t want everyone to see him cry.

“Hey!” I heard making me jump. Pat turning around as I looked up. Wallace was standing there frowning at me and shaking his head, “No kissing.” He said.

“It’s his brother,” Pat said simply.

“Really? The redhead is your brother?” Wallace asked causing me to nod my head in confirmation, “I didn’t know that.”

“Can you tell us what your issue is?” Pat asked looking at him.

“I was just making sure he’s following the rules and not starting something,” Wallace said shrugging his shoulders.

“He knows his rules and so does my brother,” Pat said standing up, “So if you want to leave that’d be great.”

“I’m not…”

“I know what you’re doing. You need to stop. Now go back to your little couch and stay,” Pat said Wallace giving him a tense smile.

“Fine, I’ll see you later, ok Will?” Wallace said looking at me as I nodded my head again.

“Will, use your inhaler,” Cole said to me grabbing it off the floor from under the cot as John sat up and took the blanket off his face looking around confused.

“Is everything ok?” he asked me us to which I nodded my head.

“Who was that?” John asked us quietly Cole getting ready to answer before some other guy walked up and started talking.

“Where’s Dom?” he asked smiling.

I remember thinking his eyes looked super weird and he had a fat nose. I remember wondering who he was but figuring he was just another tracker. John’s whole complexion going pale as he laid back down.

“I thought you might know that,” Tosh said walking up behind the tracker and glaring at him both Pat and Cole looking really angry.

“Oh, well, I was busy with someone else for a little while. He is definitely worth that five let me tell you what,” the guy said John curling up into a tight ball near my feet.

He started shaking. His whole body shaking like I thought…no. No.

“You’re a special kind of freak,” Pat hissed looking at me where I was rubbing John’s shoulder Cole and Pat reading our body language as I tried to comfort him.

“Jealous?” the guy asked.

“Why would I be jealous of you raping a little boy Chad?” Pat said, “I personally think it’s disgusting.”

“Really?” Chad asked smiling as the name hit my brain and I started to wonder if Pat was actually paying attention to how John was starting to shake harder. How Chad probably meant…he had…with John, “You think it’s so gross? I bet you dream about it every night when you’re not with Gus. Hell, maybe even close your eyes and wish it was him instead of Gus over top of you or maybe you were on top of him…” Chad said, and I heard John take a shuddering breath.

I swear Pat turned into a rabid dog that was capable of speech the look on his face one of someone about to murder a person, “You fucking didn’t…” he said as it felt like the whole room froze.

“And if I did? What are you going to do about it? You could come after me but unless you want to end up in your own special film with you and prince charming there I would be very careful.”

“No,” Pat said shaking his head slowly almost like he was a snake coiling back to strike, “You fucking didn’t.”

“Ask him,” Chad said shrugging his shoulders as he made eye contact with him his smile widening reminding me of the joker from Batman, “I don’t know what he thought of me. I haven’t asked, but I thought he was amazing.”

“Leave us alone!” Tosh said getting in Chad’s face.

“What are you going to do about it?” Chad asked smiling like an insane idiot.

“I’m a five too and I’m not how you say? Boning him and I’ll kick your ass,” Tosh said.

“You think you could?” Chad asked looking at me and winking as John cowered in my lap turning over and clutching my leg tightly.

“If you don’t want to find out you will leave now,” Tosh warned.

“He knows karate,” Cole said, “I’d listen.”

Chad smiled at me, “Fine, see you later beautiful. Who knows?” he said looking at John’s form covered by the blanket, “Maybe next time I see you we’ll play again?”

With that, he left everyone going silent. I looked to see how Cole was doing him shaking his head at me and Pat clenching his fist, “I’m going to go…and…I’ll be back,” Pat said getting up and walking away quickly like he was trying to hide how angry he was. Trying to stop himself from punching a wall or something as I looked at him.

“Are you ok?” Tosh asked looking at me which surprised me causing me to nod my head as Tosh exchanged a look with Cole.

He nodded his head like they were communicating without words making me nervous, making me wonder if they had seen it too, if they thought I would be worried about it and not just John or if maybe I had misread what I had saw and the whole thing was directed at John, “he’s gone. It’s ok,” I told John rubbing his shoulder, “He’s gone. You ok?”

“Not really,” John answered his face still covered by the blanket, “Chad just made me feel like I should publish a list, so everyone knows everyone else I’ve been with, you know? Just get it said and done,” he answered me bitterly.

“Who have you been with?” Tosh asked him causing my head to snap in his direction.

Was he kidding me? Did he just ask him that? We were in the middle of a room butt ass fucking naked beside blankets and he was asking my brother who had raped him? Was he… I don’t remember making the decision to try and smack him, but I reached out to do so Tosh easily dodging my blow as I frowned at him.

“A couple people I guess,” John answered shrugging his shoulders like it was no big deal.

“You know that was a joke, right?” Tosh asked looking at John.

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head.

That was a stupid fucking joke. That wasn’t funny at all, “Not the right time,” I said shaking my head.

“What happened to you guys?” John asked sitting up slightly.

“I was in a room for a little while. It wasn’t’ a big deal,” I answered, “I mostly just closed my eyes and tried to ignore it.”

“Me too,” Tosh said, “I don’t know. It’s easier to pretend it’s not real. That it is all just a nightmare.”

John sighed and nodded his head in agreement but looked over to where Pat had been sitting closing his eyes. It was almost like he missed him being there already when he had just left. Just got up to go probably walk around the room and like I said, punch a wall or something. Try to calm himself down.

“Do you think Pat will be ok?” John asked us.

“Yeah, he’s just worried about you,” I answered, “We still can’t figure it out. We’ve been over and over it and talked it to death and we…I don’t know.”

“Don’t know what?” John asked.

“Why they choose you,” I told him, “Why it seems like they pick on you.”

“I know I’m on the website,” John answered shrugging his shoulders.

Website? What website? My brain remembering something Dr. Palmer had told me about. A membership website where they had…videos. Videos that…

My whole body felt cold and I felt like an idiot. I thought they just sold the videos there. However, digital media was still new. John was on a website where people had seen him do things. I had pictures on a website and probably…video. Videos they could download. Videos of me having sex they could download my whole being feeling sick.

“That what?” I asked my eyes starting to sting as I thought about it.

“Nothing, it’s ok Will,” he tried to assure me.

“John? Do you think I’m on that website?” I asked him desperate to hear that I wasn’t. Wanting to believe that I wasn’t that maybe I was just imagining it. Maybe Lionel didn’t heat me enough to do that to me. That hopefully that was something that hadn’t happened because if it had. I could picture bad things happening. Really bad things.

The way Chad had winked at me. The way he had looked at me after inferring that he wanted to be with John again. The way Wallace had. I didn’t want to have their attention and now for some reason, I did. I had the attention of a lot of people and most of them I had barely interacted with even if I knew who they were. And I was scared. I was scared and a part of me knew it was because of that stupid video and any other videos that Lionel had made of me that were probably on that site. 

“I don’t know,” John told me, “I hope not.”

“Me too,” I said quietly, “Especially if it makes people like that pay attention to you. I don’t want…I don’t want them to pay attention to me.”

John pulled me close as he sat up putting his arm around my shoulder, “I don’t blame you. Do you know if we’re almost done here?” he asked me.

I sighed thinking about it. Thinking about the last time I saw a window out in the hallway. It had been a west facing one and the sun had been visible. And that to have been after the ceremony and I had been upstairs for a while probably about 2 to maybe 3 hours tops which would have put the time at around 3 or 4 in the afternoon. We had just slept for a while which felt like it could have been about four hours and explained why it looked like the sun was just setting because that would mean it was around 8 pm.

“No,” I answered, “I know it’s been a while, hours. I know it’s going to be dark soon?”

“How do you know?” John asked me.

“Well the window out in the hall is west facing and while the sun seems high in the sky you can see it through that window or you could. So, the last time I passed it, it had to be afternoon or 12 pm. I would say it was around 3 or so. We both got here around seven and Cole and Pat arrived around 10. It’s been at least 2 or three hours since I passed it last time. So that would mean…fuck…” I said losing my train of thought.

“Language,” John said shaking his head at me.

“Sorry, the gathering thing where they made us all stand around was 1:30 at the latest so that would mean it’s probably around…”

“Wait I was only in that room for like two hours?” he asked me.

“Probably,” I answered, “I think it’s around 8:30 almost nine pm. So that means that the sun is going to set soon.”

The door opened, and several handlers came into the room. John tensing as he saw one of them. The guy smiling and coming over sitting on the end of the cot John and I were sharing as he looked at us, smiled at us John frowning at him, not even trying to hide how much he despised the guy.

“Glad to see you’re feeling better,” he said to John.

“Will, go hang out with Tosh for a while, ok?” he said to me.

I wasn’t sure what to say to that. Tosh had gotten up and walked over to Pat. I knew why John didn’t want me there. He didn’t want this guy thinking about things, about me. This was probably the guy who he was with earlier. The guy who helped the other one do those horrible things to him. Someone he didn’t want me around and I wasn’t about to fight him on it no matter how worried I was about him because I knew it would only make him angry with me and I didn’t want him angry too so I nodded my head and got up walking over to where Pat was standing as other handlers started moving around the room and different bottoms started trailing in behind them.

“Huh, oh,” Pat said shaking his head.

“What’s going on?” I asked quietly.

“Big shift change,” he told me rolling his neck and cracking it, “Almost time to go back to the tables. They’re scouting the room to get a look at whose available.”

“Whose…?” 

“Don’t worry if you had a sponsor at the beginning of the day you still have one. It lasts the whole party. They might come in to look at you. If someone comes up to you and tells you to…”

“Hey,” Some guy said walking up to the three of us Tosh who had been standing there silently, “Asian boy, can you drop your cover let me see that sexy bod?”

Tosh sighed but let his blanket slide from his shoulders down to the floor by his feet. He didn’t even hide how naked he was. Letting everything be exposed to the air around us. I remember catching myself staring a little bit and then cursing myself for how disgusting I was. His penis was probably around average and uncumcisized. It wasn’t a bad looking penis. And I remember covering my eyes when I realized I was thinking that Pat clearing his throat a little bit.

“It’s ok just…adjust your blanket and look away. You didn’t do anything wrong,” he tried to assure me.

“But I…ju…”

“Look at me,” Pat said causing me to move my hand away from my eyes, “Do I look upset? You didn’t do anything wrong it’s natural to look Will even if you don’t think you are gay trust me, you look. It’s called being young. You know how often when I was 9 or 10 years old we’d stand around and helicopter ourselves because we could?”

Now that made my face glow a beacon calling for Batman, I could feel it. I remembered the first time a guy had helicoptered in my face. It had been my roommate at boarding school. I don’t remember complaining about it but…yeah. We had been probably 8 so it wasn’t a super impressive move, but I still remembered it.

“You’re ok,” Pat assured me, “We’re guys. If they didn’t want us to look they wouldn’t make us walk around naked. However, that’s why most of us aren’t naked in here because we don’t want people looking.” Pat said his face falling slightly making me turn to see what he was looking at John leaving with Dobbs. My brother leaving the room with his head down. Following his rapist so that he could be raped again.  
“Do you think they’re coming back for me?” I asked him.  
“Your Sponsor?” Pat asked me, “I don’t know. Sometimes they finish early and don’t come back. Other people, they pull you out again after a couple of hours of rest and have you there for their friends. Some will even use you, put you back and then change their mind an hour later and come and get you. It just depends on what they want to do. You nervous?”

I nodded my head. I didn’t want to tell him that it wasn’t really Amir who had chosen me but, him. How even though the rumor was he was moving on he wasn’t. How I was still his little one. Still his boy. I didn’t want to be his boy, but I didn’t want James to be his boy either. I wasn’t sure what to do about any of it. What was worse.

“I know you’re scared. You want to talk to Cole?” he asked me.

“It’s ok,” I told him, “I don’t think Cole wants to talk to me.”

“Why do you think that?” he asked me frowning in Cole’s direction as he noticed a handler standing near him.

“Because he has a crush on me and I asked him if he would sleep with me and he told me no,” I answered grabbing Pat’s attention.

“Ok, he told me you asked him to kiss him. Not if he would…,” Pat trailed off, “Did you really?”

“I don’t know if I actually asked him but, I wanted to,” I answered as Pat looked at me.

“Are you suicidal?” He asked me his brow wrinkled like he was deep in thought.

“I don’t…I don’t know. I know that sounds stupid but, I don’t…”

“It doesn’t sound stupid. That’s what you’re asking for though. You shouldn’t ask people that not until…”

“And when is that going to be?” I asked my feet, “He’s never going to let me go. You and Cole have said so more than once, he decides when it’s over. And I…”

“Hey!” Some guy said walking over to us, “Both of you drop it.”

“Sure, I’ll drop but, he’s only…”

“Oh, I know who he is,” The guy said looking at us, “I want him to drop it too.”

“You sure about that Bill?” Pat asked him.

“Yeah, I’m sure. Looking is different from touching,” he said looking at me and not at Patrick, “I want to see what you have. Everyone wants to see what you have, pretty boy.”

I didn’t want to but, I knew I had to, just dropping my blanket. It was humiliating a couple of trackers whistling at me as they saw my body. Some of them staring and licking their lips Wallace’s eyes meeting mine for a brief second before he scanned my whole physical form and shifted his weight moving his blanket slightly. The thought that he was turned on hitting me and making my face feel that much hotter. The one guy smiling at me too. A lot of them probably smiling at me as I decided I couldn’t stand to see what they thought of me anymore and decided to look at the ground and keep my sight there.

“You,” he said going up to Pat and grabbing him by the forearm, “You’re nice too baby boy, don’t get me wrong I’m just not sure I have enough pull to put in a request. He’s probably going to have someone come grab you in a minute now that dinner is over.”

Oh, I thought feeling stupid for forgetting dinner was something normal people ate. They had put us into holding so the majority of them could eat and then come back for the ones they wanted. I suddenly felt even more anxious realizing that meant alcohol had probably been consumed most of the room going silent as the leader himself walked into the room and towards me the chatter dying down to a low murmur as he walked up to me.

“Come with me,” he said simply holding his hand out to me.

I knew everyone was watching. I had no choice but to say yes. To nod my head in submission and take his hand leaving my blanket behind as everyone stared at us. Stared at me as we walked out into the hall.

“Did you have fun resting with your friends my little one?” he asked me.

“Yes, Daddy L,” I answered nodding me head to which he laughed slightly.

“You don’t need to call me that quiet yet little one,” he told me, “How are you feeling?”

“I…tired I think,” I answered, “There’s something I don’t understand.”

“What’s that William?” he asked me his use of my name startling me a little bit as we walked up to the stairs.

“I…I thought I was getting too old for…”

He stopped and looked at me, “Who told you that?”

“My Da and Mr. Ford,” I admitted.

“Normally you would be too old for me at this point but, you are special. I’ve already told you that, haven’t I?” he asked me.

“Yes, Sir,” I told him nodding my head.

“Then don’t worry about such things. I’ll tell you when your needs have outgrown me. Is there anything else you’re worried about?” he asked me.

“Last time I stayed up in your apartment,” I started feeling nervous about it, “I was wondering why this time is…is different.”

“Ah, well last time you seemed to grow bored when I wasn’t there to entertain you, so I decided to show you off and allow you to spend some time with your friends. Jai said he enjoyed your company last time and Amir has really enjoyed your company this time. I figured because you are so good at entertaining you deserved to be with some of the other boys,” he said as we got to the lift my face feeling hot.

“Don’t be ashamed,” he said, “It’s something to be proud of.” 

His hand went to my chest, stroking my sternum and making me tense, “You smell so good little one,” he cooed into my neck hugging me, “always so good. So delicious. I have no idea why you are so irresistible. Do you?”

“N-no Daddy,” I said feeling like I was going to cry and taking a deep breath to hide it.

“Do you want me to make you feel good? Have some of my good friends help?” he asked me.

I wasn’t sure what to say or do. No. I didn’t want him touching me and he already was. His hands sliding up and down my skin dipping as low as just below my belly button as I stood there and tried to stay calm, to not shiver or try to push him away.

“It’s ok,” he told me as I inhaled sharply his hand going very low towards my genitals sending a tingling up my spine making my whole body stiffen even more, “I know you get shy, let yourself relax little one. Let yourself feel good. You have such an incredible body. You’re such a beautiful boy,” he said making it hard for me to breathe as the Lift stopped and opened causing him to turn around and take my hand again.

I noticed two or three guys that were there among them Peter Ford. There was also someone else the I recognized, Quinn’s Dad. His name was Sean. He didn’t look 100% like Quinn but, the face shape and something about their eyes were very similar. The other guy there being Amir.

“You’re happy to see us huh baby?” Sean jeered at me making me aware of how it looked. Making me self-conscious.

“Don’t make fun of him Sean,” Peter said shaking his head, “You know how it is to be that age.”

“I think it’s cute he has an erection for us. It looks very tasty by the way sweetheart,” Sean said looking at me making me aware of what it looked like. How it seemed like I was turned on or I had liked him touching me.

“Why don’t you lay down beautiful?” Peter said holding his hand out to grab my right hand while Lionel held onto my left as he helped me up onto the bed. 

He loosened his robe letting it drop to the ground relieving what passed for underwear that they wore at just about every party and noticing how tight the bulge there looked. How he was turned on seeing me naked. Seeing my body and how it had responded to being touched to being rubbed on as he and Lionel used their strength to pull me up slightly and drop me on the bed face down before I felt hands on my back, a pair of lips on the sole of my right foot. Another pair of lips on my left calf a tongue on the small of my back. A tongue between my shoulder blades.

I didn’t want…their hands wandering the same skin that their mouths were. Petting me and licking me as they moaned in excitement and satisfaction the sounds so animalistic that I couldn’t…I felt like I couldn’t move. Almost like a part of me knew if I moved too much I would just draw more attention. Risk escalating the attack on my body.

“That’s it little one, just relax,” I heard him coo, “Just relax…such a good boy.”

I felt something wet and cold a tongue. A tongue in…in my butt crack, in my…I think I whimpered but, I can’t remember. What I do remember is one of them making a joke. A joke about how if they all did it they wouldn’t need to use lube. That spit would work even better and after that cum.

“What do you think little one?” He asked me nipping at my ear as someone jabbed their tongue into me making me jump, “ahata…. relax, don’t ruin it now. Just relax my little one.” He murmured as I started shaking.

“That’s it sweetheart just breathe. I know you’re nervous but…”

“Pete, I’ve got it,” Lionel told him.

“Sorry, I’m only trying to help, he’s such a nervous little thing,” Peter said someone jabbing again causing me to jerk, “Just relax.”

“You want Daddy to help? To make you feel good?” Lionel said running his hand through my hair like I was a kid he was trying to soothe to sleep and not one he was raping with a group of friends.

They turned me on my side so that it was tongues and lips and hands…and…I remember wanting to tell them to stop but almost finding it impossible to breathe let alone speak as they each took their turn cooing into my ear and telling me how good I felt. How I felt like I was made just for them like my body…how I must want it because I was hard and because it seemed like I was getting harder. Each time I got close to ejaculation they would stop and let him suck me. Let him swallow. Because I was his. Because I was his boy.

I don’t know how long they did it for but eventually, they left, and he rolled me over, so I was on my back. He pushed into me and he started raping me himself instead of watching them do it. I remember gasping for air in-between thrust. So, I know I was out of breath, I was tired. I’m not sure if it was my asthma or if it was something else but I felt like something was wrong by that point. My brain not registering what was happening until Lionel rolled me. Rolled so I was on top of him and he laid there still with me running his hands through my hair as I rested against his chest before he started talking to someone behind me.

“Just…yeah, no, don’t worry about that,” Lionel said as he continued to pet my head, “Now little one just breathe, nice big deep breaths,” he told me as I felt it and he moaned loudly.

It felt like someone had, you think it would have felt like someone was stabbing me but instead that sound that a piece of paper makes when it’s being ripped that’s what my body felt like. Lionel holding onto me tightly almost like I was some type of animal. He held tightly to my head as my whole body started shaking.

“Holy fuck he feels so…”

“Don’t force it,” Lionel said to whoever was behind me, “You don’t want to hurt him. You’re doing so good little one.”

I wasn’t doing good. I could barely breathe. The whole thing was just searing pain. I have never…I don’t remember even screaming. Just everything going black.

The next thing I remember was my whole body shaking and I …couldn’t breathe and a lot of yelling. A lot of yelling.

“What the fuck were you thinking all due respect? Why would you let a tracker of all people…?”

“Vincent, please. If he would have slowly worked, his way in like I told him to instead of…”

“I don’t want to hear it! He wasn’t ready! he’s 11 years old Lionel! He’s fucking 11 years old! It doesn’t matter how much peg training you put him through his body isn’t capable of doubles! That’s why he fucking threw up on you! It was the pain! He’s …oh he’s awake. It’s ok, Will, it’s ok. You’re ok.”

“Move! It’s ok Little one I’m right here,” He said as I felt his hands wrap around my waist.

“IT hurts, it hurts, it hurts…” I remember whimpering as I gasped.

I don’t know how to explain what it felt like. How much pain, it felt like someone had dumped acid on the bottom half of my body only on the inside. Almost like the very first time my Da ever assaulted me. Lionel covering my tear covered face in small kisses.

“Lionel, back away,” Dr. Palmer told him, “I need to treat him! BACK OFF!” he screamed, “Ok, Will, I’m going to give you a shot. I know you’re hurting. I know this hurts, so I’m going to give you a shot of something to help. It will put to sleep. I already checked to make sure there isn’t any serious damage. This isn’t going to happen again, is it Daddy L?” Dr. Palmer said.

I can honestly say at that point I had not ever seen Dr. Palmer look at someone with that much hatred as he pulled a syringe much like the one he had given John earlier out of his bag and stuck it probably in my ass cheek.

“Now, the nausea is going to hit but just take big deep breaths, ok? Nice and slow…there you go…there…”

And with that the medication he gave me overtook me.


	72. Chapter 72

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will goes home even though he feels like his world is falling apart as it feels like things continue to go downhill without mum at home to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1847 to 1879 Happy early Thanksgiving to all my American readers. I hope everything goes well for everyone this week. **Warnings: mental health issues, anxiety, maturing, grooming,bullying, talk of young children being sexually abused** Mostly this is Will talking to people and trying to move forward only to keep getting hit with the same reality **John's POV Pt 2 Chapter 28**

I don’t remember much for a while. I don’t remember going back to holding only waking up in John’s arms as Da shook my shoulder lightly. My whole body screaming at me that it wasn’t ready to be awake as he looked at me smiling.

“There are my boys,” he said quietly, “Are you ready to go home, honey?”

“Wha…” I said my body protesting my movement.

“I told you it was…things got out of hand,” I heard Lionel mutter, “The parties responsible have been dealt with.”

“Of course,” Da said, “And I’m assuming that Leo is going to be by soon in order to get my baby?”

“I’ll make sure. Leo, I do believe is resting right now considering. Both your boys are very good at performing. This poor little thing is going to have a stomach ache for a day or two. I strongly suggest keeping him home and in bed for this week just because I want him as close to 100% for the events coming next weekend. I’ll see you later little one,” Lionel said before kissing my forehead as Da lifted me.

I remember being so tired that I didn’t try to fight him. That I didn’t really manage to do anything Da taking me, blanket and all out to the car and laying me down on the back seat which he had folded down, so I didn’t have to worry about staying on the seat. I don’t remember really falling asleep nor staying awake. 

I don’t remember much of anything until later the next day, Sunday. We had left the Villa early Saturday afternoon. Da had even had me stay home from church that morning just because my body was sore, and I remember being beyond exhausted. I heard the lift kick on and the noise of our little crowd as it started to settle in for the day and I was expecting my door to eventually open and at least one little boy, in particular, to find his way into my room and into my bed because I wasn’t feeling good and he knew it but instead the first thing I heard was a knock on my door making me wonder what was up.

“Yeah?” I asked as I sat up.

“Can I come in?” I heard Cole ask quietly.

“Sure,” I answered.

“I’m glad to see you’re awake,” he told me as he pulled the desk chair up to my bedside.

“I’m really tired actually,” I told him.

“Well, yeah parties will do that,” he told me.

“You seem ok,” I pointed out.

“I’m used to it and I was on the tables. A lot less rough being on the tables,” he mentioned, “How are you feeling other than tired?”

“Mostly that’s it,” I answered.

“Sore and depressed not hitting you yet?” he asked me.

“A little,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

“It’s ok to admit you’re not ok Will,” he said, “Dr. Palmer couldn’t stop bitching last time I saw him.”

I felt my face heat up. He was mad at me. Mad that I was stupid enough to get myself into that situation, to get myself doubled when my body couldn’t handle it. Of course, he was bitching, it made more work for him because I was a stupid little slut.  
“Tell him I’m sorry,” I said.

“What?” Cole muttered sounding confused, “He’s not mad at you. He’s made at him. Will, you couldn’t have…”

“I should have been better,” I said shaking my head, “That way he wouldn’t be mad at me.”

“You think Lionel is still mad at you?” he asked me as I nodded my head, “No, he’s not mad. He got excited because he’s an idiot. He gets excited about the nastiest things. He probably figured because you were being peg trained and you were older you could handle more than you were ready for, so he pushed it and in turn, he pushed his luck and hurt you. It has nothing to do with him being angry.”

“How do you know that’s what happened?” I asked.

I didn’t understand how he could be so sure that’s what was going on. He had been so mean to me. He had let a bunch of men gang rape me. He had made me do horrible things to a little boy and almost made me penetrate him or acted like that’s what he wanted until I told him that was something I hadn’t ever done. He acted like he hated me. How could Cole be so sure that what had happened wasn’t just because he wanted to punish me more?

“He’s erratic but, usually he only punishes you if you do something against him. For example, sleeping with or talking to someone else when you’re not supposed to. Seeming like you’re displeased with him in a very public way. Talking about your relationship with him. Can I ask what happened to you at the party?”

“Only the one guy voted on me for sponsorship,” I answered quietly.

“Right, I remember that. That was a setup. Because he wanted you protected. Exclusive. What else happened?”

“They raped me,” I answered shaking my head.

“Were they rough? Did they hurt? Was there a lot of mouth action…? I can tell you if it was a punishment if you give me those little things. Usually, when he’s pleased with you he tends to…be mouthy,” Cole said his face flushing a little bit as he said the last part.

“He does?” I asked.

“Oh yeah,” Cole said nodding his head, “He gets over excited about that sometimes. I remember I was probably 10 or 11. He decided he wanted to…” he sighed taking a deep breath like he didn’t want to talk to about it.

“You don’t have to tell me,” I said, “It’s ok.”

“He decided he wanted to nurse. I think I was probably 11 and it was the first time I ever…came. He kept going. Like he wouldn’t stop like…I probably ended up taking ice baths for the rest of the week. Just because it hurt that bad. It hurt to piss, it hurt to stand, it hurt to just lay in my bed. Because he didn’t just…with his mouth he clawed into me. Into the small of my back, my legs, my ass…and he just kept…” Cole trailed off almost crying.

“Cole…” My stomach hurt watching him act like that. Cole didn’t really cry about things but, that for me was something that startled me. Seeing Cole cry about something Lionel had done instead of getting angry about it.

“I’m ok,” he said wiping his eyes, “I’m ok. But yeah, he just got…carried away because he felt like I could handle it and so he got excited and even after I started crying he just kept going. Was what he did kind of like that?”

I nodded my head. I wasn’t sure what to say about it. That he had…they had all used their mouths at once. That it had almost felt like vampires trying to eat me because they were sucking on my skin so hard all at one time. I didn’t want to talk about what they had done. How they had all performed anilingus on me and fellatio. How they had all done that to my body while sucking on my skin before they had raped me. How they had all raped me without condoms. 

How they had used “natural play” as they liked to call it. How they hadn’t stopped and when they finally did, when I had thought they were done, he was done then he had…how badly it had hurt. How I had wished I was dying and wondered what I had done, why he hated me, and he wasn’t stopping. Why I couldn’t make it up to him, leaving. Why he kept punishing me and everyone hated me.

“It’s ok Will,” Cole said climbing into bed with me and hugging me as I started to cry, “it’s ok.”

He let me cling to him as I cried. As I let it out without having to say a word. I remember at one-point James stuck his head in and Cole had sent him away telling him that I needed some quiet time as he ran his hands through my hair telling me to just let it out. To not worry about anything and that I would be ok if I let it out. He probably held me for about an hour while I cried.

I think I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. Until I felt so tired that I just couldn’t be tense anymore accomplishing what Lionel had told me to repeatedly while he was raping me. Finally, able to be completely relaxed.

Cole sat with me for a long while just letting me lay there with my head in his lap as he ran his hands through my hair. I think we probably sat in silence for around half an hour after I stopped crying just like that. Him sighing heavily at one point.

“Are you ok?” I asked him in a whisper.

“I think I should be asking you that,” he told me, “But, my legs are asleep.”

“Oh!” I said sitting up, “Sorry…I…”

“No,” he said shaking his head, “You’re fine. If I was worried about it I would have said something a while ago.”

“Are you afraid?” I asked him.

“Of what? Oh, a little bit,” he said understanding what I had meant, “I think I was using it as an excuse though. To avoid you. To avoid…this.”

“You don’t like me?” I asked him.

“Oh no,” Cole said shaking his head, “That is very far from the problem I’m having.”

“I heard you and Pat talking,” I admitted.

“At the party?” he asked me causing me to nod my head.

“He pointed a few things out I think I was aware of but, didn’t want to admit. It made me think about other things going on. Like How Tosh when I’m not with him he doesn’t really seem to mind. How I’m the one who always calls him or goes to him. Just like those type of things. I’m not sure what it means but, I think it means that he doesn’t feel the same way I do. Or I want to,” Cole told me.

“You mean that he’s still doing drugs?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” Cole said, “I’m really trying to get clean. I want to be better. I don’t want to…I don’t want to fuck everything up anymore. I want to be able to have friends again. Good friends where we can talk about other things and have it be ok.

Like normal shit. Like music and dancing and CD’s and maybe our favorite actors without it being about where we’re going to get the next bump from, who we have to fuck or blow in order to score some E. Just like…I’m so tired of everything being about drugs, or them. That’s why I started the drugs in the first place though, so it didn’t have to be about me but, maybe…maybe it needs to be just a little bit,” Cole admitted.

“Why now though?” I asked him.

“Honestly?” he said looking at me and scratching his head as he gave me a small smile, “I almost did something stupid to someone I care a lot about. I almost hurt them, and I decided I didn’t want to be the person who didn’t have that self-control. Who didn’t have the ability to tell themselves to stop when they know they need to. So, that’s why.”

“I want you to,” I said thinking about that kiss. How that kiss had felt so right, and so…perfect.

“That doesn’t mean it should have happened. You were 10 years old Will. I can’t…how do I prove to myself that I am nothing like them if I go around making out with 10-year old’s?” Cole asked me.

“Because I wasn’t just any 10-year-old,” I answered.

“No, you were an abused 10-year-old. That makes it worse,” Cole told me, “His 10-year-old. His boy. His slave. That makes it so much worse and I should have known better.”

“It’s not your fault,” I insisted, “I kissed you first.”

“Because you were looking for control. Control that no one lets you have. This is stupid, this feels so stupid,” Cole said shaking his head, “I wish I could stop feeling this way about you. It’s not right.”

“Why?” I asked him.

“Because! Because it’s like, it’s like you’re that little boy. All I see when I look at you after I realize…I see those little boys. Those little boys he made me do those things to and I…it’s gross.”

“So, you like me but, you think I’m gross?” I asked him.

“No, not you,” he said shaking his head, “Me. I’m gross. You couldn’t ever be gross. You’re too handsome to be gross. Too smart and too funny. You’re good. Nothing about you could ever be gross Will.”

“I don’t think you’re gross,” I said, “I think I am.”

“And there is our dilemma. That and your brother would kill me,” Cole told me.

“No,” I said shaking my head, “He might not be thrilled about it but, eventually he’d be fine with it.”

“I don’t think so,” Cole said shaking his head, “Look. I want to try and be friends. You need someone to talk to about things that isn’t going to just act like that’s the way it’s always been and that you aren’t afraid to tell about things because it will piss him off. He can’t be mad about you talking to someone who already knows him. So, if you can try and not look at me like…” he sighed, “Like if I asked if I could fuck you you’d say yes I think I can control myself and not let whatever feelings I may have get in the way ok?”

I nodded my head. I didn’t even know what look he was talking about but, he was right. I needed him. I needed him in ways I couldn’t describe. He understood things no one else would. I knew that as much as he did. I needed to be able to sit there with someone and know that they knew how I felt without having to say a word. I needed someone to tell me it was ok and be aware that they were telling the truth because they had already been sitting where I was.

“Ok, that means you can’t ask me to…kiss you or anything else though, ok?” he told me.

“I know,” I said nodding my head, “I don’t think I want to kiss anyone right now though. Honestly, the last thing I want to think about is anyone’s mouth near me.”

“Yeah, he’s slimy with it. It’s nasty,” Cole agreed nodding his head.

“I felt like they were trying to eat me,” I admitted.

“He used friends?” Cole asked me grimacing as I nodded my head.

“Yeah, you might not feel like kissing anyone for a while in that case. Nothing is grosser than old man breath on your balls it’s not…”

I nodded my head as he trailed off. I didn’t want to really focus on it. It was bad enough it had already happened I didn’t feel any urge to continue to think about it. I was honestly exhausted again by that point and I was sure Cole had better things to do than keep me company while I couldn’t have John with me. Especially if we were going to sit there in silence.

“You want me to stay until you fall asleep?” he asked me.

“I don’t think so,” I said, “How do you know I’m tired again?”

“You just cried in my lap for an hour and then went dead silent. Until you asked me if I was ok I thought you were sleeping. I was trying to figure out a way to move you without disturbing you,” he confessed.

“Oh,” I said softly.

“It’s not a big deal. I’m not like psychic or anything like that just, I know what it’s like. Those parties. They just like suck a lot. Especially if you get hurt it just takes everything out of you for a couple of days. Especially the way Daddy L plays. He goes hard,” Cole told me.

I nodded my head in agreement. He did go hard. Really hard. I had never felt more exhausted from just being raped before in my life other than the video he made me film. The one with Josh and Sergei. That had been hard too.

I felt extra dirty after the party though. I still don’t know if it was because two of them had been nearly 50 years older than I was or if it was because one of them had been my friend’s father but, I remember feeling beyond dirty. Cole apparently reading something in my face.

“It’s ok, you know?” he asked me to which I nodded my head, “Have you showered yet?”

I frowned thinking about the question. It was weird to have him asking but he had just spent an hour and a half cuddling with me. I had managed to shower when I got home and put some clothes on but, that didn’t mean I didn’t still smell like old man spit and cum. I looked at him.

“Once,” I answered in barely a whisper feeling my face heat up.

“It was probably night terrors or something then. I sweat like a mother fucker when I have night terrors,” Cole said, “Because you do smell a little ripe, so I suggest at some point between today and the next time you leave the house taking another shower. You want me to check in on you later?”

“No thanks,” I told him, “I’m ok.”

“All right,” he said standing up, “Get some rest, ok Will?”

I nodded my head and he shut the door behind him. I was thankful that he cared and was no longer shunning me. Even if I was confused about the reason he was shunning me in the first place and what he said hadn’t made any sense to me at the time. I wasn’t one of the boys he had abused. I wasn’t like them. At least, that’s how I felt. I was a boy that liked him, and he liked me, and I didn’t see anything wrong with that.

I didn’t see my age as a reason for him to feel guilty for liking me. I wasn’t like those other boys. The boys Lionel made him do stuff with. I wanted to do stuff with him. I wanted his hands on my body, I wanted his mouth on my skin and I didn’t see anything wrong with that. Wrong with wanting to do very graphic sexual things with him just the two of us. I didn’t see how off that was for an 11-year-old to want.

I remember spending a lot of time with the babies that week. Listening to Laura, Andy and Mac run around happily. Listening to them be young and talk the way little kids do. It was that week that I really noticed the differences in their personalities. How Laura while she was quiet she wasn’t as quiet as I thought she was. That she talked just only to Andrew but when she did talk, she talked a lot. 

Andy was really the quieter of the two. He seemed to watch everyone and seemed to be shy. Very much like James had been around that age the idea of that worrying me slightly with his bright blond hair and vivid green eyes. Where almost all of us were blond apart from the girls as well as John and Mac Andy was almost what would be called towheaded. His hair almost white even though he had a light dusting of freckles across his nose.

He didn’t use words as often as Laura did which being two was a pretty normal deviation between genders. Boys always talk slightly less at that age but, the way he moved through life it was like he was paying very close attention to everything and everyone. Mac, on the other hand, he was like a bulldozer in human form. Often, I watched Andy and Laura lose their temper with him in those short couple of days pushing him or screaming at him as he ran through the world like he needed to touch everything, experience everything before it was gone.

He was interesting to watch. Watch him observe the TV by putting his face right up against the screen. Watch him pick up the newspaper Alice had left on the side table and pretend to read it while he stared at it upside down until Alice told him to put it down and then he’d give her a little close-lipped smile and gently lay it down on the table where he had found it before laughing and taking off down the hall.

I noticed Laura liked to be naked. That often when Alice told her it was nap time I’d hear Alice call in her southern drawl “girl you need to keep your draws on. We aren’t heathens. We’re angels.” The idea of them managing to be anything but human making me chuckle to myself as I read my book or rocked Mary or Shay in the rocker.

At some points, it was almost like they were triplets instead of a set of twins and a singleton each one more energetic and excited about life then the next. The embodiment of young curiosity but still unique as they moved through their little world on the fourth floor of our home running around Mary and Shay carefully, so they didn’t step on them as they waddled and in Mary’s case still crawled, following the three of them around. Mac once stomping his little feet violently when I insisted he couldn’t pick Mary up by the neck to show her affection because it was probably uncomfortable for Mary.

On Thursday Alice probably woke me up around 8 am, “Sugar, you want to come keep an eye on something for me?” she asked in a hushed voice.

“Wha…yeah,” I said getting up and going out into the living room to find both Uncle Ben and Hank there sitting on the couch.

“Come on Andy it’s ok, it’s a car for you,” Uncle Ben said offering Andy a small hot wheel as he stood next to Lar frowning at Uncle Ben almost like he knew something was off Mac sitting on the ground by Hank’s feet playing with something as I walked around the couch to find that it was playdough, “Hey baby,” Uncle Ben said when he saw me, “Are you feeling a little better?”

I didn’t know what to say to that.

“Not baby,” Andy said shaking his head at Uncle Ben, finally speaking, “Big boy.”

Uncle Ben laughed heartily, “It’s a nickname Anders,” Uncle Ben said, “I know he’s not a baby. Very far from it,” he said looking at me and biting his lower lip as he checked me out.

“I’m ok,” I answered shrugging my shoulders as my face felt hot as I tried not to show them that I was uncomfortable.

“Pizza,” Mac said holding out a flat piece of playdough to show Hank.

“Yes, a pizza, I see. You’re very smart Kai,” Hank said moving forward causing me to jump.

It took everything to restrain myself. To stop from yelling at him, from telling him to keep his hands to himself as Hank tickled his shoulders lightly making him giggle. It wasn’t right. He should have been keeping his hands to himself. He had no right to touch Mac. Not with the way just looking at Mac made him feel. He didn’t see him as a little person, the little force of destructive happiness that he was. He saw him as a toy. As something to strip bare and play with. Something to destroy until it was what he wanted it to be. 

He didn’t deserve the right to be near him let alone put his hands against his clothes. Let alone hear his little laugh as Hank tickled him and he was oblivious to the danger Hank posed.

“He’s spending time with Hank, it’s ok baby,” Uncle Ben said.

“Not baby,” Andy said again, “Big boy.”

“I know, I already said it’s just a nickname. Like I call you Anders I call him baby. That’s all it is. I know he’s a big boy,” Uncle Ben insisted again.

“Just call me Will,” I told him as Andy walked over to me and hugged my leg, “Willy,” he said quietly smiling up at me, “My Willy.”

“Aye,” I said nodding my head and running my hand through his hair Uncle Ben glaring at me.

“Come see your Benny,” Uncle Ben said holding his arms open as Andy looked at him.

“Not my Benny,” Laura said shaking her head and walking over to me Hank laughing lightly.

“They don’t like you, Ben,” he said shaking his head at him.

“They like me just fine,” Uncle Ben said frowning, “They just…like him better I guess. Not that I blame them.”

“Who do you like better Kai me or Willy?” Hank asked smiling at him.

“Willy,” he answered quietly before handing his playdough pizza to Hank and walking over to me too.

“Why are you here?” Uncle Ben asked his frown deepening as he watched the toddlers cling to my legs.

“Alice asked me to wake up and come sit out here,” I mentioned shrugging my shoulders.

“Can you sit yet?” Hank asked me as I felt my face flush red.

“That’s what I thought,” Uncle Ben said, “Too bad we can’t play, huh Hank?”

“Yeah, it’d be fun. However, he’s very far from ready to handle me,” Hank said grinning like a Cheshire cat.

“Can we…,” I trailed off trying to be careful about my words. Careful about what I said.

“Can we what? I’ve been told I can’t touch you for a while baby,” Uncle Ben said making my face feel even hotter.

He thought I was asking him for that? For him to…no. I wasn’t. I wouldn’t ask for that in any universe or reality that could be dreamed up.

“I was asking if we could just let them play by themselves,” I tried to clarify his face going cold.

“Are you suggesting that we’re not letting them play?” Uncle Ben asked sounding angry.

“Benjamin, you know better,” Alice said, “Leave that poor boy alone, he didn’t mean anything by it. I’ve been told if you get out of hand I’m allowed to boot you and Mr. Kingly downstairs, and I know ya’ll don’t want that.”

“She’s right. I want to stay up here with Kai,” Hank said looking at one of the little boys attached to my legs before reaching into the gift bag with him again and pulling out another hot wheel, this one purple, “Come here, Kai.”

Alice sighed as Mac detached himself from my leg and waddled over smiling brightly. He had just turned two the previous Wednesday. He probably didn’t think it weird that Hank was giving him gifts at all because he was so little, that and he had just had a birthday where he had gotten several gifts from mom and da.

“Can I get a…”

“No physical contact,” Alice said shaking her head at him, her face set like she had just swallowed a lemon.

Alice liked this arrangement as much as I did. That’s why she had woken me up. That’s why she wanted me out there with them because if they had to be there she didn’t want them alone with the boys. Especially if she knew anything about Hank.

By that point I was more than sure she did, Hank just smiling at her, “As long as he makes contact first Connor said it was fine,” Hank told her.

“That isn’t going to work for me,” she said looking at a clock on the wall, “It’s almost 11 anyway and lunch is on the table, so I think it’s best if you two leave now.”

“Come on Alice, it’s just fun,” Uncle Ben said, “We wouldn’t hurt them.”

“That’s what you say but I have reason to doubt you. So, if you could head out and back to whatever it was you were doing before I’d be much obliged,” Alice told them smiling.

“Ok,” Uncle Ben said sighing, “I’ll see you kiddos later, ok Andy? Mac?”

“See you later Kai,” Hank said sighing heavily as he got up, “See you later William.” He said looking at me.

I felt a cold shiver go down my spine. He wasn’t even there to see me. As far I knew Uncle Ben wasn’t there to see me either both smiling as they walked past Alice and me to the lift. 

“He’s just being mean,” She tried to assure me.

How…?” I trailed off not even able to finish verbalizing the thought.

“You’re not his type Sugar,” she told me shaking her head, “They just want you all upset is all. People like them, they do that. Look for ways to upset you.”

“I don’t mean to make it so…”

“You don’t make it easy,” Alice said, “You’re young. You don’t need to worry about how easy it is for someone to upset you yet. If I were in your shoes I’d get upset a lot easier than you do. Lunch is ready,” she told me said I went to pick up Mac giving him a kiss on the forehead.

After we ate lunch she put everyone down for a nap and I myself decided to go down for a nap too. I still felt super tired. Eventually shortly before John was supposed to be home Dr. Palmer knocked on my bedroom door waking me up.

“Hey,” he said putting his medical bag down, “How are you feeling kid?”

“I’m ok,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

“I’m just here to check you out, make sure you’re ready to go back to school tomorrow,” he told me.

“What does that mean?” I asked him.

“Well, it means I have to look in your anal cavity and make sure the swelling and bruising as gone down. They irritated that healed fisher in there almost broke it open. So, if you could lay on your stomach for me…,”

“What if I don’t want you to?” I asked him.

“Will, I know the last thing you want is anyone up in there but, it’s important I make sure you’re healing ok?” he told me.

“I don’t…,” I said feeling my anxiety skyrocket.

I didn’t want him touching me there. I didn’t want anyone touching me there. It had hurt, it still hurt. It felt like they would never be done hurting me. That they would only wait until I was healed just enough and then just do it all over again. That they would never stop. That none of it would ever stop.

“Will, Will, can you hear me? Will?! Wil…”

“What!?!” I asked him annoyed.

“You completely stopped moving for seven minutes. Like you didn’t respond to anything. Do you want to tell me what that was about?” he asked me quietly frowning at me.

“I…,” I shrugged my shoulders, “I don’t know.”

“Has that happened before?” He asked me.

I nodded my head before I heard his voice again telling me to use my words, “Teddy and Finn say I do it all the time at school.”

“That’s a type of anxiety attack. Did you know that?” Dr. Palmer asked me.

That was an anxiety attack? I thought an anxiety attack was not being able to breathe and crying uncontrollably. Blanking out and freezing was a type of anxiety attack? I shook my head.

“That’s what we call a freeze a response. It usually happens when someone is feeling extreme anxiety. It can be in traumatic or frightening situations or it can be because you’re having so much internal anxiety your brain just shorts out. Are you on anxiety medication?” he asked me.

“I was in Montana. Not since I got home though,” I answered.

“Did you have a psychiatrist giving you this?” he asked me to which I nodded my head, “What was it?”

“Zoloft,” I answered quietly, “I took Ativan once or twice too. My doctors made me memorize it just in case I was out, and something happened. That way they could help me. I went fishing a lot and stuff when mum was home.”

“Ok, I’m going to give you a prescription for 2 weeks. Do you know what your dosage was?” he asked me.

I shook my head. I couldn’t remember. So many things were so different, and everything felt so weird. It felt weird to think how far away that life was, how far away Montana was when it had only been four weeks since we had left that world behind.

“Ok, I’m going to talk to Lionel and see wh…”

“No,” I shook my head, “He’ll be so mad, don’t tell him.”

“You think he’s going to be mad at you?” he asked me.

“It’s not abuse,” I said, “I shouldn’t act like it’s abuse. I should try harder, I sh…”

“Hey! HEY! Calm…deep breaths ok? He’s not going to be upset with you needing medical help. If he was do you think he’d send me to make sure you’re ok?” he asked me.

I took a couple of deep breaths. He did have a point. My anxiety was a medical problem. That’s how they had explained it in Montana. That just like someone with diabetes I needed to take medication to help me manage my anxiety otherwise it would get out of control. So that made it a medical problem.

Lionel was worried about my health. At least my physical health. At least some of the time anyway. I doubted he cared about me much more than that and being his little toy though, his boy. I sighed looking at Dr. Palmer.

“So, what? You’re going to stick your fingers in me? Just like everyone else,” I asked him.

“When I do it I wear gloves and it’s to check your health. I’m not interested in assaulting you. I want to make sure you’re ok. When I looked last time, they had nearly reopened that fissure I want to see if it’s healing itself closed. If not, there are things that we need to do to make sure that happens. I want to see how bad your scar tissue is because I’ll be honest you do have a bit of scaring from smaller tears inside the anal cavity. I want to make sure you’re ok,” Dr. Palmer said.

“I’m fine,” I said, “I’m perfectly fine. It doesn’t even hurt anymore.” 

“I’d still like to lo…”

“NO!” I said, “No, I don’t want any more people in my butt right now. Thanks.”

“So, it does still hurt then?” he asked me.

“No,” I said shaking my head.

It didn’t hurt anymore. I just wanted people to stay out of my asshole. Did he realize how many tongues I’d had in it Saturday night? It was mine. I should have been able to tell people no. Vic was supposed to listen.

“You want to talk about what happened at the party? What happened with Amir?” he asked me quietly.

I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about it. They had said a lot of things. A lot of things I didn’t care to share with anyone.

“There is another reason why I need to check and make sure you’re ok,” he told me getting my attention, “There is a party this weekend that you are going to be at. I want to know if your body can handle it. Why do you think no one has touched you?”

“Because I was hurt,” I said shaking my head, “No, I…”

“I didn’t say they were going to use your ass but, things will be easier if you aren’t injured. They’ll hurt less,” he told me, “So can I check?”

“If I am hurt, what changes?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he said looking at me sadly, “I can’t get you out of this. They want you for this party. Do you want me to tell you what you can expect?”

Did I want to know how they were going to rape me? If it was going to be all hands and tongues and fingers and…I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to do it and I didn’t see how knowing what it was going to be like was going to help me any.

I shook my head, “Go away.”

“Will I think you should…”

“I’LL KNOW SOON ENOUGH! JUST GO AWAY!” I shrieked curling up in my bed and pulling the covers over my head.

I heard a lot of commotion. I can’t remember if it was Alice or Debbie but, I feel like it was Alice. Demanding that he leave. That he just go because he had upset me and suddenly I felt arms. Someone pulling on my leg to pull themselves up on the bed.  
“It ok Willy, it ok,” I heard little voices as they curled around me and started babbling to each other in a way I couldn’t understand. Their own twin speak. I didn’t understand a word of it where I had been around Mike and Matt’s for so long I could more or less understand the context of their conversations but Andy and Lar, it was different. It was very different.

It helped relax me even though I was shaking. I was sure they could feel me shaking Andy grabbing my hands, “It ok Willy I kiss better,” he said kissing the top of my hands and smiling at me making me smile back through my tears.

I didn’t want to do it anymore. I felt like I was at the end of my rope and I just couldn’t… I was tired. I was beyond tired. Knowing what he might do wasn’t going to make things any better. I just needed…I didn’t even know what I needed any more.

Eventually, Alice made them leave. Came in and talked to me. She told me that I was probably going to school the day after because I hadn’t let him give me a physical and I told her I was aware, but I didn’t want to be touched. She told me she could respect that but, that she wished I had let him. I told her again that I didn’t want to be touched so I had said no.

“Well sugar I’m glad he listens,” she told me.

“He’s the only one who does,” I remember whispering it. Thinking she didn’t hear it. That she wouldn’t care or maybe not thinking at all.

“You need your mama, don’t you sugar?” she asked me.

I nodded my head. She hugged me. I think she cuddled with me until I fell asleep and when I woke up it was someone touching me touching my foot.

“NO! I ….”

“Wingman, Shhh…it’s me! It’s me. Alice said you were having a bad day I came to check up on you. Are you ok?” he asked me.

I shook my head, “There’s a party and then there’s him and there’s…”

“Ok, calm down, calm…,” he told me, “Whatever is going on I’ll find a way to take care of it ok? How are you feeling?” he asked me.

“I’m doing ok,” I lied.

“No, you’re not,” he said, “Cuddle?”

I nodded my head as he climbed into bed and pulled me into his lap, “I know you miss mum. I miss her too. We’ll figure this out though ok? I’m home now. You don’t have to do it alone.”

“It hurts, everything hurts all the time, all the…,” I trailed off John producing my inhaler from what seemed like thin air and helping administer it to me.

“You don’t have to do it alone, ok? You’ve been so good but I’m back now wingman and I’ll find a way to take care of it. At least until mum is back to help. You don’t worry about it ok? I’ll worry about it,” he told me as he ran his hands through my hair, “You just try and breathe. I’m right here wingman. I’ll find a way to make sure everything is ok. I’ll work on figuring something out ok? No parties, no nothing.” 

He held me for a while. Probably until dinner as I listened to everyone talking about what they did in school James talked about how they played kickball in gym class and how they were probably going to play kickball again Friday.

I wish all I had to think about on Friday was gym but, there were so many other things. How Danny was probably going to treat me because I knew I hadn’t bombed that test. Probably nowhere close to it. Not close enough to make him happy. And then there was Wallace. Wallace who hadn’t really talked to me Saturday or Sunday but had…had looked at me. My stomach rebelling against the thought of sitting next to him.

I had to get up and run to the powder room before I threw up on the kitchen table several worried phrases and glances following me as I got there barely managing to shut the door let alone making it to the toilet. I remember things starting to feel cloudy around this point, my memories are kind of hazy. I learned later it was stress. The anxiety affecting my memory. So, at this point, it’s me filling in things the best I can where I don’t remember them clearly, so things might differ from John’s viewpoint because I know he’s writing his own memoir. I’ll try to keep you aware of what I truly remember and what may be fiction.

That night I think John stayed with me until I fell asleep and I remember talking to him before he left for school on Friday morning telling me he talked to da. That he asked Da and Da had told him there was no party. So, nothing was accomplished but I remember hoping Da wasn’t lying to him.

My stomach fell the moment I got on the bus and Danny moved from the front of the bus to sit in the seat in front of mine.

“Hey Harem boy,” he said quietly, “You know what your score was?”

“I haven’t been here,” I told him, “So I would I know?”

“Well, I got a 71. 71 out of 100 you know what that means?” he asked me.

“You got a C?” I asked quietly.

“A D,” he said, “I might as well have fucking failed. You got above an 80 then that makes it your fucking fault and guess whose ass is grass? It’s not going to be mine,” he told me, “So you better pray Harem boy a pray hard.”

I felt a shiver go down my spine but maybe…I sighed nodding my head as he got up and walked away. Maybe he would beat my ass. Maybe they would beat me so badly the handlers would feel bad for me and decide I didn’t need to do whatever I was supposed to do at this next party I was apparently going to.

The moment I got off the bus Quinn caught me by the shoulder from behind making me jump, “Sorry. I said your name. I thought you heard me,” he told me sheepishly as I turned around, “I’m glad to see you’re back.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled looking at him.

“Are you ok? Everyone saw you when they brought you back to the holding room. You were passed out. Dr. Palmer said something about trackers. Did trackers do that to you?” he asked me.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said shaking my head.

“Ok but, you’re doing all right now?” he asked me.

“For the most part,” I told him.

“That’s good. I’m not going to make you talk about it but, if you want to I’ll listen, ok?” he told me to which I nodded my head.

I really didn’t want to talk about it. I figured everyone knew something was wrong when I went back to the holding room. None of them were stupid. I just really didn’t want to talk about how for three days after my ass stung so bad that there were hours were I just simply refused to move. That my body did still hurt but, not as bad as it had.

“I’m glad you’re here,” he said, “Do you know what you got on your test?”

“Apparently if I got above 80% I’m getting my ass kicked,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

Quinn frowned deeply, “By who?”

“Danny,” I answered, “That’s what he told me. Maybe if he gets it out of his system he’ll leave me alone? Stop…just.”

“He won’t beat you up,” Quinn told me, “You have too many people watching out for you. He’s going to be risking more than just getting in trouble at school if he puts his hands on you. I mean that doesn’t mean he won’t find other ways to make your life hell but, yeah.”

“How are you doing?” I asked him trying to change the subject.

“Me? I’m huh…when I piss it burns and my back fucking kills. Still,” Quinn said giving me a small smile, “Otherwise I’m all right. Just another day.”

“I’m sorry,” I said as he shrugged his shoulders.

“I’m fine. No one else has missed almost the whole week like you have. Todd got into a fight with Danny on Monday. I still don’t know what it was about because he’s grounded. He got suspended for three days so he’s supposed to be back this morning but, I haven’t seen him yet,” Quinn admitted.

“Really? How did he do this weekend?” I asked him.

“Not good,” Quinn said, “I don’t think anyone did good really. Finn was apparently in the back room for half the night on Saturday. He still looks pretty…speak the devil.”

I turned and there was Finn. He looked beyond tired. Like he hadn’t slept at all. The whole thing making me wonder what had happened. He had a black eye and seemed just like he wanted to go to sleep.

“Are you ok?” I asked him.

He smiled, “I was about to ask you that. You want to talk?” Finn asked me to which I nodded my head. He looked like he needed to talk. I wasn’t sure I needed to. But he must have.

I remember walking for a little bit. Almost to where John usually hangs out with his friends around the side of the building. We were close enough to them that I swear we could hear their muffled conversation but, couldn’t make out what was being said or who was speaking, and Finn sat down up against the wall flinching a little bit as he did so, and I got down slowly doing the same. He seemed like I said, tired but not necessarily upset.

“Are you ok?” he asked me.

“I think so,” I answered, “I don’t know it’s hard to…I’m trying not to think about it. You?”

“No. I got a sponsor, but they wanted me in the backroom so…Just a lot of stuff happened. I’ll be sore for a little bit. I came to school Monday and couldn’t hack it so they huh, let me go home. It’s been an on and off type of deal,” he muttered.

“It was bad?” I asked him.

He nodded his head looking at his lap. Like he wanted to cry. Like he wanted to, but he wouldn’t. Probably because it made him feel stupid like it made me feel stupid. Like everything made me feel stupid.

“I had a Sponsor. They weren’t very nice,” I answered quietly, “It was mostly regular stuff and then…I don’t know how to do this.”

“Do what?” Finn asked me.

“Do what they want,” I admitted, “I don’t know how to…My head screams at me. Screams at me to tell them no, to just…to fight and I …everything feels like it’s full of lead. My whole body and I can’t…and then their…”

“It’s ok,” Finn said, “It’s ok. I don’t…fight either. Mostly because I’m used to it and usually at home, if I’m good he just…has sex with me but, I understand.”

“Do they use their mouths a lot?” I asked him suddenly feeling my face flush red as I asked the question.

He sighed, “Some of them,” he nodded his head, “Those guys are harder. Vater doesn’t so much…my uncle does. He does a lot. He says it’s good for your immune system to…yeah. I don’t believe that. I think it just likes to humiliate me. Why?”

“They…they…,” I felt like my words kept getting stuck, “All of them. Everywhere.” I managed.

“All of them? How…if it’s ok to ask how…”

“Four,” I answered, “I still feel dirty I’ve showered three times ever….”

“Oh ok. Can you breathe for me?” Finn said, “Is your inhaler in your blazer pocket your kind of…can I hug you?”

I nodded my head. I knew I was freaking out that I was shaking, and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t stop my body from shaking so badly I was vibrating Finn hugging me, “It’s ok. Maybe you need to cry ok? It might help.”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to cry anymore. There wasn’t any point in crying it never helped anything.

“Es ist gut, mein Stein. You don’t have to be strong right now. No one is here, ok? Just me, it’s just me,” Finn muttered as he pulled me into his lap wrapping his body around mine and holding me as I gasped sharply making a tiny wheezing noise before I stuffed my fist in my mouth, “They were horrible to me too. It’s ok. It’s ok,” Finn said as I heard his voice breaking.

I don’t know if he maybe he needed someone to cry with and that’s why he wanted me to cry too or if he could just tell that I had been holding onto it but I could feel us both shaking as he held onto me almost like I was a stuffed animal as I shook with my sobs and felt his against my back. He rocked us. Slowly back and forth almost like he was my rocking chair but something about the movement made it better, made it easier to breathe. The belling ringing and someone moving.

“WILL! Wingman what’s…oh! Come here,” I heard John who somehow even though I was almost the same size he was managed to pull me up and away from Finn, “What’s going on? Huh? What’s…you said you were doing ok yesterday when we talked. What’s going on?”

I looked over and Pat was rubbing Finn’s shoulders saying something to him as Cole and the other guy stood back, Dom. They all looked worried their complexions slightly white as they watched us. John almost holding me up like I was a little kid even though we were standing.

“What’s going on? Do you want to go home? Maybe we should go to the nurse’s office maybe you weren’t ready yet, come on wingman you’re scaring me,” John said told me as I couldn’t stop sobbing couldn’t stop…

“John, guys come on. You know this happens. Maybe they just need to get it out,” Cole said quietly.

“I’m ok,” Finn said loudly, “I’m …it’s just….”

“Hey,” Pat said, “I know I just met you this weekend, but I understand. We understand ok? There’s nothing to be ashamed about. It’s not always safe to cry at home. Cole and I know that. I don’t imagine it’s easy not with your family.”

Finn gave him a sad smile and nodded his head, “I get too loud and I…they don’t…”

“I know you,” Cole said, “Huber, right?”

Finn nodded his head.

“I’m sorry, kid. That’s a raw deal,” Cole said, “You’re like the only person in your house who isn’t one of them, right?’

“Ja,” Finn said nodding his head as I finally managed to calm down listening to their conversation, “My Vater he…they…”

“It’s ok,” Pat said, “You don’t have to explain anything. Two years ago, I was right where you are. It’s not a pleasant feeling. We understand, ok? Are you allowed to leave the house on your own?”

“Sometimes,” Finn said quietly, “Sometimes he’ll let me walk to the park. I don’t know sometimes he doesn’t let me leave the house at all. Usually, I can use the sauna in the backyard and just…but I didn’t get a chance yet this week.”

“Use it for what?” John asked his chin moving on the crown my head as he rubbed my shoulders.

“He means to be alone Rabbit,” Pat said, and I heard Cole laugh lightly.

“Forget you heard that,” Cole said.

“It’s ok. I have friends,” Finn said and apparently, someone understood a little bit what he meant as I turned around.

“They told you?” I asked him.

“Quinn tells me a lot of stuff,” Finn told me, “They told you?”

I nodded my head.

“So, this is your brother’s friend? The brother that’s…”

“I’m John,” John said from where he was still holding me only behind me.

“It’s nice to officially meet you,” Finn told him, “I’m Finn.”

“You know me. I’m sure you remember me. We met in the bathroom last year and you know I know Ted and just…” Cole trailed off.

“You met me this weekend so yeah,” Pat said, “The quiet guy standing back over there is Dom. Are you going to come over here, Dom?”

“He’s ok,” John said looking at Pat who then looked back to Dom who nodded his head.

“He’s not one for the warm fuzzies,” Cole said, “He’s a nice guy though.”

Pat and John both laughed lightly as Dom’s cheeks turned a little pink and he turned away. Dom was interesting to me. Especially around that time just because. He seemed like…I mean I wasn’t really someone who confided in a lot of people either and I guess the way John treated him it was weird to see him treat someone else that way. It was like how he treated me only less hands on. Less cuddles and hugs and more just that quiet comfort John often gave to me where we could sit in silence and be completely comfortable just being there.

“He’s a great guy,” John said, “You can trust him with anything. He’s slightly awkward though.”

“Oh!” Finn said like he understood, “He takes time? Kind of reminds me of someone a little bit.”

“Me too,” John said nodding his head, “You ok?” he whispered into my ear.

Was I ok? No. I still wasn’t ok but, I felt a little better. A little less alone. 

“It’s ok to cry when you need to guys. I know they’ll tell you it’s not but, trust me. It’s the only way to deal with it sometimes,” Pat said still rubbing Finn’s shoulder, “If you guys ever need to talk to someone it’s ok to come talk with us. It’s ok to ask us about things. We’ve been doing this just a little bit longer then you have. “

“Wallace would tell me I’m a fucking pussy he ever found me crying like that,” Finn said to them.

“At least it’s better than a fucking asshole,” Cole said, “I mean they are more likely to go for an asshole than a pussy any day.”

“Cole, I don’t think…” Pat said but shook his head trying not to laugh.

“What? It’s true. I mean I prefer a…ok, sorry I’m trying to lighten the mood,” Cole said stopping.

“You’ve been keeping it in because you’ve been with the kids all week huh?” John asked me, and I nodded my head, “You’re allowed to be sad. You don’t have to hide it. Last weekend was hard for everyone. You’d be surprised how many fights keep breaking out.”

“Father Dunbee was less than thrilled yesterday when Alec and Jason started calling each other slut bags in the hallway,” Cole said.

“They did?” John asked.

“Yep, I think you were in class. Someone called someone else a slut bag. I’m not even sure what started that but, no one was happy, and I thought Father Dunbee was going to have a heart attack right there. He muttered a prayer under his breath and then asked God to help him because he hasn’t heard language like that directed at a young man from one to another like ever,” Cole mentioned.

“Interesting,” John said, “Will if you want to go home we can…” the bell rang.

“I’m ok. I feel better,” I said, “Really.”

“You swear?” he asked hugging me tightly.

“I promise,” I said.

“Ok, be good this weekend all right? I’ll see you on Monday,” he said before kissing my cheek and they all took off in one direction where we took off in the other.

“I like your brother,” Finn told me, “He’s nice. His friends are nice.”

“He is nice,” I agreed as we walked.

“Are you sure you’re ok?” he asked me.

I nodded my head, “I’m just tired I think more than anything. They make me tired.”

“Me too,” Finn said quietly, “Well I’ll see you next hour. I’m headed off to father Mercer’s class. Wish me luck.”

“Good luck,” I said once we got back into the building.

I remember them handing me back my test and feeling confused about what I wanted when I saw it was a 99%. I had aced the test. So what Wallace had told me was true I wasn’t at the top of my class, I didn’t set the curve, I was the curve. I remember waiting for Danny to say something to me. Waiting for anyone to say something to me but the only thing that really happened was we read like we usually did, and my anxiety started to skyrocket the closer we got to the end of the class period.

It was time to see Wallace. I knew he was going to have something to say to me. I just wasn’t sure I wanted to know what. He had seen me. Seen what he had wanted to see, and it wouldn’t be enough.

I knew it wouldn’t be enough. He had made it clear he wanted to do other things to me. That he was hoping to do other things to me last weekend. That he wanted to…and that was the last thing I wanted. I didn’t want him touching me. I didn’t want him looking at me.

He had seen what he wanted to see. I knew he was going to say something about it the moment he had a chance. I knew he was I wasn’t stupid. The bell ringing nearly making me jump out of my seat as I got up.

“You ok?” Teddy asked me.

“Yeah,” I said as we got up and walked out into the hallway, “Why?”

“Well, you weren’t in school this week and a lot of stuff happened last weekend. I just want to make sure everything is ok. Are you cool?”

“I’m as cool as I’m going to be,” I told him.

“Wait did …? Shit,” Teddy said shaking his head, “Do you know what station they have you on?”

“What, what?” I asked him feeling confused.

“We’ll talk at lunch, all right?” he told me to which I nodded my head.

Station? What the fuck did he mean a station? Were they running a weird gym class of some kind at this party? To me, that seemed off. I didn’t know anything about what was going on and had turned down the offer that Dr. Palmer had given me of telling me.

Now I was wondering how bad of an idea that was.

Maybe I should have accepted his offer but at that moment I couldn’t imagine being able to deal with anything worse then what they had already done. The feeling of a hand skittering across my hip making me jump and hug myself. My brain felt like it had been doing that. Feeling them when they weren’t touching me. Feeling their hands running over my skin. Every time I closed my eyes since Saturday that’s what I had felt. What I could see and smell. It had been making it hard to sleep or think. Probably one of the reasons why I was such a mess.

That was the first time I had felt it while I was awake without going into a full-on flashback. Without being pulled back to that place and it unnerved me. Made me think it was a warning of some kind that I was in trouble, in real danger and just didn’t have any choice but to ignore it and hope that things were different. Hope that it wasn’t my brain's way of telling me something really bad was about to happen.

After attendance, I remember walking slowly towards the library the sinking feeling in my stomach getting worse with each step. Something telling me that I needed to get out of there, to run. Finn must have noticed that something was off because just as we got to the doors he stopped me.

“You want me to go in first?” he asked me.

“What do you mean?” I asked quietly.

“He’s going to say something. I know he will and so do you. You want me to warn him off?” Finn asked me again.

“Won’t he get mad at you?” I asked him.

“I’ll be fine. Vater won’t let him touch me. I can tell him to keep his nasty comments to himself. If he wants to be mean to someone he can take it up with Vater. Ok? You don’t…no offense and I know we talked about it earlier, but you don’t look so great today. Just like you look like you’re on the edge of losing your shit,” Finn told me.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head.

“You sure? I won’t say anything to him if you don’t want me to but, I honestly think from what you told me about last time that…”

“Say something,” I said nodding my head, “I feel so fucking stupid but, say something.”

“Ok, wait here?” he asked me, and I nodded my head.

I waited probably 2 or 3 minutes before I finally went into the Library. I didn’t see Finn or Wallace right away, but I did see Rich and C-Dan both of them coming up to me making me feel a little…intimidated.

“Hey, Will, right?” C-Dan asked making me nod my head, “I haven’t seen you all week. Where have you been at?”

“Come on man,” Rich said, “he’s just a kid. You know what last weekend looked like.”

“Oh, I heard some things about that,” C-Dan said smiling.

“So, did I but I’m not about to say…”

“I heard baby here doesn’t know how to play doubles yet,” C-Dan said making my stomach hurt. Making me fight the urge to gag. 

I associated the term with that incredible pain shooting through my colon the memory of that hot fire searing up my spine enough to make me want to collapse into a ball. I felt like my whole body was shaking and I had just lost my color as he stared at me. A stupid smile planted plainly on his face like he knew some big secret.

“Yeah,” C-Dan said, “You think maybe one of them was a little too big. Maybe we should start you off with something a little smaller, make sure you’re nice and melted before we try,” C-Dan said reaching his hand forward.

“HEY!” I heard suddenly behind me, “No one said you could touch him.”

“I was joking Wallace. Relax,” C-Dan said.

“Your joke isn’t fucking funny,” Finn said shaking his head.

“For once my brother and I agree on something,” Wallace said, “You’re ok Will. Come on, we’re going to go sit down ok?”

I wasn’t sure what to do but I knew I didn’t have a choice but to follow him, “You can come to Finn, C-Dan.”

“Why?” C-Dan asked frowning.

“Because right now I have a feeling you’re going to have trouble keeping your hands to yourself and I don’t want them on my brother,” Wallace said surprising me, “So come with us.”

“Fine,” C-Dan said smiling, “I’m ready.”

We walked over to the stacks and I sat down against the bare wall. I don’t think I focused on any of my work and C-Dan didn’t really mention anything else the rest of the hour. Didn’t even really address me at all. I was honestly surprised Wallace didn’t try to touch me instead keeping his distance. Keeping his hands to himself.

I remember finally feeling like I could breathe as Finn and I walked to lunch. Joking even probably about some stupid science stuff as we got into the lunch line almost forgetting about Teddy. Forgetting about what he said about stations and how he wanted to talk to me. When I got out of the lunch line I saw Teddy sitting at the table with Quinn, but he didn’t have any food instead he had a pile of candy bars in front of him and was in the middle of eating a snickers before he saw me picking up and waving a pack of pollo’s at me.

“You want to come outside with me for a few minutes?” he asked me.

“Why?” Finn asked frowning at him.

“Just him, something I need to tell him. Don’t worry about it, ok?” Teddy told Finn.

“Teddy he’s…”

“I know. Don’t worry I’m not going to leave him alone. I would tell you but, it’s something that I’m not even sure I’m supp…”

“Ok fine,” Finn said, “We’re right here, ok Will?”

“Huh, ok?” I said.

I thought it was weird that they were speaking some type of code I didn’t understand and wasn’t sure I liked. Almost like everyone else treated me. Like I was some sort of property they could own. Like I couldn’t make my own choices. Like they had the right to tell me what to do the idea that they were starting to see me the way everyone else saw me creeping me out as Teddy took me outside to the outdoor sitting area.

“Ok,” Teddy said taking a deep breath, “I huh…there’s a party this weekend. Not everyone is coming.”

“I know,” I said nodding my head.

“You are,” Teddy added.

“I caught that. Dr. Palmer told me,” I said.

“Did he tell you what type of party this is?” He asked me.

“A sex party?” I asked.

“Obviously,” Teddy said rolling his eyes, “Not just anyone though. It’s a birthday party. His birthday party. Usually, it’s themed and stupid and they pick a select few of us to…entertain. So, uh…yeah. Did Dr. Palmer tell you what was happening at this party?”

“Other than I was probably getting raped? No,” I said, “I wasn’t in the mood to hear about it. It’s bad enough what happened last weekend. I don’t want to do it again.”

“You want to tell me what happened last weekend, so I can tell you if you’re doing that again or…you want me to just tell you what’s happening?” He asked me.

“Just tell me what’s happening I guess,” I whispered staring at my feet.

“Ok, from what I’ve heard Peter is “hosting” that means he put all of the arrangements together. It’s going to be something apparently someone else did in another charter. It’s a competition to see who is best in a certain area. I don’t know 100% how it’s supposed to work but each bottom is assigned a station. A feeding station, a tasting station, and a fucking station. The first one they are testing who gives the best…head. Like the guys at that station are…”

“Giving blow jobs?” I asked to which Teddy nodded his head, “So you understand the idea of the other two stations?”

“I think so. The other one means you’re getting the blow job and getting it up your…”

“Yeah, then you got it,” Teddy said, “I don’t what station you’re going to be on, but it’s supposed to be 15 guests and 5 boys for each station. That’s all I know but, you’re coming. He said he was picking you up after school.”

I shook my head, “I’m going home after school.”

“That’s not what he told me. He said it was his Friday,” he told me.

He was right. It was Lionel’s Friday. How could I have forgotten it was Lionel’s Friday? His day and I was …I shook my head.

“It’s ok. It’s ok to be upset.”

“No, I’m fucking stupid,” I said feeling like I wanted to scream, my chest feeling tight, “How could I forget? He said…he said…”

“Take a breather, ok?” Teddy told me, “What did he say?”

“Peter said that he was almost done…with me. And then at the party, he said…I wasn’t too old yet. That I…he wasn’t done,” I told him.

“Ok,” Teddy said nodding his head, “Can I tell you something about Papa? I’m not sure anyone has told you this. Is it ok?”

“I do…I’m not supposed to cry,” I said more to myself then to Teddy.

“I’m not going to tell anyone if you do. Sometimes you have to. I don’t think it makes you a whimp or anything. Can I tell you?”

I nodded my head.

“Ok, Papa likes young boys, yeah but he also likes us up to a certain point in development. Like the…You know your hair they took away?” he asked, and I nodded my head, “That usually means you can ejaculate or you’re about to be able to. He says that for the first year it’s really sweet. That it’s really good for your health and stuff so he’ll keep you one year past your…you know the first time you…jizz or until your 12th birthday whichever one he wants.” Teddy finished.

I had done that for the first time when I was 10. With my Da. Shortly before he had told me I was his, that I…that I belonged to Lionel. I had turned 11 7 months later. Almost a month after we had moved to Montana. 

“Is that something you can do?” Teddy asked his cheeks turning red as he glanced at my crotch and realized what he was doing, “not to…not be gross or invade your space or anything just like…”

“Yeah,” I nodded my head.

“He’s gross about it. He collects it and uses it as creamer. It’s sick,” Teddy said, “I …he’s so much grosser than most people know. He really is. Him and Peter joke about it all the time. How it’s sweet like creamer how it…he’s gross. Everything about them is gross.”

“Do you know anyone else that’s supposed to be there?” I asked him, “Of…us. At the…at the party.”

“We’re supposed to be there a couple other names but it’s not…I don’t know any of them well. There’s no easy way to break it so I’m just going to say it; I’m one of the oldest on the list. Everyone else there is younger than me, than us,” Teddy said looking like he wanted to punch a wall.

I think for every bottom that was always a hard pill to swallow that you’d be forced to be in a room with kids. Some of them the same age or younger than little siblings you had, and you’d have to listen to or watchmen…nasty sick men do those things to them. Or worse make you do those things to them. Especially when they were just little. 6,7,8 years old. Just little boys. Little boys who didn’t understand what was happening to them, what their bodies were feeling or why these guys, these people they knew that were friends with their fathers or their fathers themselves were hurting them, wanted to hurt them and do those things to them.

Why they were telling them it didn’t hurt when it did. And when your body is that little it hurts a lot. There’s always a little bit of pain with it but when your body is that small and your Da is telling you not to cry because he just “wants to make you feel good” you don’t understand how he could think that feels good. How anyone could ever think that feels good. You don’t really get more pleasure than pain from it until you’re a bit older and even then, it still hurts. It always hurts and first and you want it to stop and you know you can’t say no. You can’t tell him no. Especially not in front of his friends.

I wasn’t sure what to say. I wasn’t sure there was anything to say. So, I had to deal with that. Little kids, little kids in pain, little kids screaming.

“Any names I know?” I asked my heart hammering in my chest hoping it wouldn’t be any of them. Any of my brothers.

“Luke and three of your brothers. If they do holders, they aren’t the worst off though. Holders don’t survive the night,” Teddy said.

Don’t survive the night? Don’t survive the night. I remember repeating the phrase in my head. He was going to kill people, kill kids.

“I don’t know what that is,” I answered.

Teddy looked around to make sure we were alone, and we were other than some people may be a couple yards away that couldn’t hear what was being said before he spoke again, “Holders are very young. Babies usually. They use them like…cock rings. They sodomize them to death. Only one or two guys usually do that are sick enough to do that, Anderson being one of them but it’s pretty…it’s something you never forget. If they try to outdo each other, Anderson and Barren they’ll get really gross with it. Usually, they are…” Teddy trailed off as I leaned forward and ended up barfing all over the ground.

Babies. Babies like no older than my youngest siblings. That’s what he meant by babies if not younger. I couldn’t deal with that. I couldn’t even imagine…I thought what they did to me was painful those poor…

“I know,” Teddy said touching my shoulder, “I know.”

I hadn’t realized Lionel was that sick that he would actually let people walk around with infants on their…that was beyond sick. And he was…I was…I remember my heart pounding as I couldn’t breathe my whole body feeling…Teddy grabbing me and making me sit down on the bench near us before shoving my head between my legs.

“I know,” Teddy said, “Calm, do you have your inhaler?”

I couldn’t speak. I felt like if I opened my mouth I was going to be sick again. My whole body shaking before I heard a commotion somewhere behind me.

“What’s going on? Will? What’s…Teddy, what the fuck did you do?” I heard Cole’s voice.

“I told him what to…”

“Don’t tell him anything. Not when he’s like this just don’t… do you need to go home?” Cole asked me, “What did you say to him? He looks like he’s about to shatter into a million pieces. He’s barely…” I felt a hand in my blazer pocket and then heard the rattle as Cole primed my inhaler, “Come on…come on its ok sunshine. It’s ok…there we go…there…” he sighed rubbing my back gently slowly as I used my inhaler, “Is that vomit his?”

“Yeah, I kind of told him about Anderson and…”

“Don’t fucking tell anyone about Anderson. You want to kill people? Most people can’t handle that shit. I can’t handle that shit he’s beyond nasty. He eviscerates people in his spare time like playing in intestines is a recreational sport. Don’t tell people about the sick shit he does. For all you know he won’t ever meet Anderson so there’s no use in talking about him. You want me to go get John, Will?” Cole asked.

“I didn’t know he was going to throw up!” Teddy said.

“Yeah well, most people aren’t used to the level of depravity you are Teddy, we’ve talked about that in the past. You know this, so just don’t tell people those things. Just like let them figure it out for themselves sometimes warning people isn’t the best thing that can happen,” Cole said, “Will, do you want me to go get John yes or no?”

“I’m not going home anyway, and neither is he so no,” I said shaking my head.

“You ok?” he asked me to which I nodded my head.

“I’ll be fine,” I said feeling angrier than anything.

“You sure?” Cole asked me.

“Yeah, I’m an idiot I’m ok,” I told him.

“Will you’re not an idiot you’re just…”

“STOP IT! I’m fine,” I said Cole putting his hands up.

“Ok, you’re fine I’m sorry. I just wanted to make sure you were ok,” Cole told me, “I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

“You sure you’re ok?” Teddy asked me.

“If they do that I don’t know how I’m going to live with myself but for right now I’m going to pretend I don’t know that might happen,” I said nodding my head, “I think I’m excused from gym.”

“Most of us have been this week. I mean we still have to change but, you’ll just sit on the bleachers like everyone else,” Teddy told me as the bell rang.

I couldn’t believe that someone would think that was ok. The thought making me wonder where they would get kids that young to do those things too. If they kidnapped them off the street or if people were selling their children. None of it made any sense to me. Why someone would sell a kid to someone who was going to that to them. Why someone would want to do that in the first place.  
`


	73. Chapter 73

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lionel's birthday party happens, Will totally unprepared for what happens there, his frustration and anxiety only increasing as he finds out someone unexpected is there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1879 to 1901, **Warnings: Rape/non-con, forced oral, sensory deprivation, sexual abuse of young children, mental health issues, cult, anxiety** I know I'm a little late this week. Just had a lot going on over the holiday. I hope everyone had a good one **John POV part 2 Chapter 28**

I don’t remember anything happening during Gym. Not that I can recall. I remember Teddy meeting me in front of the bus a gentle reminder that I wasn’t going home. That I was going with him because it was his Friday. That I was going to be living my own personal hell for a while. The limo pulling up and Sergei getting out, holding the door open for us.

I didn’t want to. I remember not wanting to as I looked at Teddy who grabbed my shoulder and gave it a comforting squeeze.

“Little one, you look like you’re seeing a ghost just calm down,” Lionel said from the dark interior, “Come on we’re going to head off towards the villa. We’ll have a fun weekend.”

I wasn’t sure what to do or say. I remember thinking this wasn’t real. This couldn’t be real. I had to be dreaming. No one would be this cruel. No one. He’d…just five days ago. With his friends and now he was…it couldn’t be real. None of it could be real.  
I remember feeling that weird dream fog fold in on me as we drove. As we rode mostly in silence. I don’t remember even getting to the place. Not really or stripping only that one second, I was in the car dressed and the next I was wearing a robe and Teddy was standing next to me gripping my hand while Peter stood in front of us telling us what we were supposed to do.

“…and when all of the guests get here we’re going to put you in the box ok Teddy? You because you have asthma that’s triggered by stress we’re going to do something a little different. You’re going to be in a room wearing a mask. Your body is still going to be boxed in to hide any identifying marks, but it will make it easier to get to you if we need to. You won’t be gagged like the other boys but, when someone enters the room they are going to put on sound canceling headphones. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try your best to be silent though. Do you understand?” he asked me.

I blinked not sure I did understand what was going on, “Wha…I…”

“He’s stressed,” Teddy said quietly, “When he gets stressed he blanks out. Does this …”

“So, I need to go over this again?” Peter asked me, Teddy, nodding his head.

“Ok, there are three stations, a feeding station, a tasting station, and a fucking station. You two will be working on the tasting stations. What’s going to happen is you’re going to lay down and we’re going to secure a box around you. Your feet are the only thing that aren’t going to be covered besides you, Will. 

Your box won’t cover your head we’re going to put a cloth over your face. You will be blindfolded and have headphone on, so you can’t hear anything. Teddy, you and the other boys will be wearing gags. Will, you won’t have one just in case we need to have you use your inhaler instead, the person sampling you will be wearing noise-canceling headphones as well. Your cock and balls will be exposed, and the handler will orally please you until you cum. The rest is for us to worry about. You’ll spend about an hour being given attention and then around 2 hours on break.

There are around 20 handlers. At the end of the party the winner of each station will get a prize and so will his handler. When you are on break you will be in the holding area. The shower room and the sitting room and bathroom will be open for you to use as you please. I suggest you take that time to move around and relax because while you’re on the table you will be strapped down.

You won’t be able to move or talk. Or in your case,” he said looking at me, “I encourage you to not talk. I strongly suggest it because we don’t want to accidentally affect any bias. It’s supposed to be a blind contest. Meaning the handlers can’t tell who you are, and you can’t tell who they are. If you need to use the bathroom there will be a button…”

He grabbed a tiny button from a table that looked like one of the ones you might use if you were a patient in the hospital, “you push this, and we’ll come and stop and ungag you and ask what you need. However, if you can please save those needs for when you are off the tables and take care of them. Teddy, if you go over that way I think Brian is going to get you set up. Will, if you could come with me…” he didn’t wait for my answer.

He grabbed my wrist pulling me forward as I numbly followed him. I heard what he had said but, I …everything felt slow, off. He led me down the hall to a room that was really dark. It seemed like it was more of a closet and there was like a hospital gurney.  
“Robe off,” he said looking at me expectantly.

He wanted my…I instinctively clutched at it hugging myself. I didn’t want to. He’d taken everything else. Everything else came off at the door. I knew that even though I didn’t remember coming in. My whole body shaking as I avoided looking at him.

“Don’t go shy sweetheart. You played nice last weekend I expect the same this weekend. If you do what you’re told this doesn’t have to be traumatizing. I could even be fun. Don’t force me to take it from you, robe,” he said the last word almost a growl.

I didn’t want to. I wanted to scream, and they hadn’t even done anything to me yet but take my clothes. I couldn’t…

“Don’t!” he barked making me jump, “Don’t cry like a fucking pussy. There are going to be boys here half your age in the next hour and they aren’t going to be crying. So, suck it up. No one is whipping you we aren’t ripping your cunt open. You have the easiest job for this whole thing you have to lay on a table and try not to moan as people sample your sweet juice straight from the tap so suck it up.”

I remember my tears drying instantly listening to him. He was…when they got mad it was bad and he was getting angry. I could tell. Him being angry was the worst thing that could happen my shaking hands going for the tie on my robe and undoing letting it slide from my shoulders to the floor leaving me standing in front of him naked and shaking.

“Much better,” he said smiling at me seeming satisfied, “Now climb up here.”

I climbed onto the gurney. That’s what it was. Like in a hospital. I remember laying down and just trying to breathe. Trying to tell myself to stay calm. That I was ok if I stayed calm.

“You always surprise me at how quiet you are. That’s not a bad thing though, it’s actually very pleasant,” he told me, “Now what I’m going to do is put you in restraints. You’ll be able to move just not a lot. It’s to help with intensity which can make the release come a little faster. I’m sure you understand that. So just, relax.”

With that, he pulled out some padded cuffs. Cuffs like Da had at home that went with the shackles we owned that tied us down to the beds in the red rooms sometimes. Soft so they wouldn’t hurt us unless Da wanted them to. He hooked one end to a chain that seemed to secure somewhere under the bed and then cuffed my wrists before securing the cuff itself to the chain. Sliding them down so they were taunt, so I could barely move my arms.

He wasn’t joking when he said I wouldn’t be able to move a lot. I could lift my arms maybe half an inch off the gurney under me before the chain pulled hard. There was barely any give.

He smiled at me as he watched my facial expression taking out another set of chains and cuffs this time for my ankles, “You’re doing good. Usually, this where boys get most antsy. Begging, telling me they’ll be good that they won’t move at all if I make the restraints a little looser. I wish you had been this well behaved from the start but, better late than never.”

I didn’t know what to say even if I could have found the bravery to say anything him running his index finger up the sole of my one foot before securing my ankle my whole body still feeling like it was shaking before he went around behind me and threading the button thing he had shown Teddy and I previously along the top of the gurney before wrapping my hand around it.

“Now usually I do this part last, but I trust you to be good about it. I mean, you can’t move at this point anyway this is just a precaution,” he said as he pulled out a long leather what looked like a belt and threaded it behind my neck securing it at my throat before turning it around causing me to notice a loop on the front.

It was a collar. Almost like a dog collar him taking two chains I hadn’t noticed before and attaching them each to the loop from both sides of the gurney. It was to make sure I couldn’t move my head. That was I almost completely immobile. The whole thing sending me into a panic my chest starting to feel tight causing me to start heaving.

“Just breathe. That’s why you’re not being completely covered though. Just breathe,” he told me watching my face watching my eyes bug out of their sockets as I tried to breathe normally. As I tried to stay as calm as possible finding the only thing I could wiggle were my fingers and toes. That I had nowhere to go and no way to redirect the anxiety that was starting to build in my chest, that was making it impossible to stay still and stay calm.

“You’re doing surprisingly well. Now The party hasn’t started yet really but, it will soon. Usually we leave you guys in the boxes for at least half an hour to get used to the feeling of being so tightly restrained. In that time, you’ll be allowed to scream and whatever else but once you feel someone touch you, you are going to go silent, do you understand?”

I went to nod my head and ended up coughing as the firm leather of the collar hit my throat when I went to go move my head leaving me with no choice but to speak. To speak and give confirmation when I felt like I could hardly breathe.

“Yes,” I barely managed to whimper.

“Usually it’s yes sir but I’ll accept that for right now,” he told me as he opened a door, “Mark, Wittier! Can you please…thank you,” he said as I heard people moving around.

It did sound like they were building a box. A metal box putting bolts in the right places to put it together around me, moving things around so everything was in the right position. I had no choice but to lay there and listen to them, listen to them talk and build like it was just another day. Like this was something that they did all the time.

“He’s actually very gifted in the cock department, isn’t he?” I heard one of them say my face heating up as I heard the words but didn’t dare to open my eyes.

“He’s a bit of an early bloomer from what I understand. He has some hair growth and he can…”

“Obviously or he wouldn’t be on this station,” One of them interrupted before I heard a smack.

“Where is your respect? I may not be your charter president, but I am still a charter president you’ll treat me like I’m your better. You don’t interrupt me while I’m speaking!” Peter barked.

“Sorry, Sir,” one of them mumbled as someone palmed my genitals to get them displayed the way they wanted them.

“That’s something I don’t miss about being that age. He just went rock hard,” One of them laughed pointing out something I was very aware of.

When your body is that young and everything is that new all it takes is the slightly physical stimulation mixed with some type of strong emotional response and anything can give you an erection. Some guy playing with your genitals briefly, so they could be placed through a hole in a way that others could get to them was no exception to the rule. He was touching my privates, so my body responded. As much as I didn’t want it to, it responded.

“Can I test it out?” I heard one of them ask.

“NO! This party isn’t for recruits and trackers. You’re to make sure our entertainment is ready and food tables stay stocked. You keep your hands to yourselves unless you want to be the entertainment at the next blue party we have. Is that understood?” Peter barked.

“Yes, sir,” I heard them both mumble.

“You want me to…?” One of them added.

“Yes,” Peter said, “I’ll make sure everything is on right before I leave.”

They didn’t even warn me really. That was the only warning I got before I felt not one eye mask slide into place but, two and then an almost ski mask being pulled over that to keep it in place. Suddenly all the sound disappeared as I felt weight being added to my ears the only sound I could now hear my own heart pounding in my chest as my blood moved through my body. I felt someone pull on it, on my face and ears and then everything stopped.

I did scream for a while. I cried mostly because I was terrified and overwhelmed and I needed to and half because Peter had suggested it. The first indication that I wasn’t alone was someone touching my feet. I couldn’t hear anything. I couldn’t hear who it was or see them. Just feel. Feel their hands on my toes and then my ankles and the soles of my feet.

I gasped trying to move and finding that I couldn’t when I felt something wet on my toe like a tongue and I made a small whimpering sound. So, this was, this was what it felt like for John. When they put the mask on him when they put the headphones over his ears. The feeling of the person's hands on my skin a million times more intense than I was used to.

I wasn’t ready. When whoever he was touched me…touched my penis. It wasn’t with his hands. He said something but, it was something I couldn’t hear the air tickling my genitals as he muttered against it in front of it before he put his mouth on me. I felt his hands, his hands playing with my testicles. 

I remember my body becoming overwhelmed, the feeling of their mouth there, sucking and licking almost like they were eating a meal of some kind like they were trying to make me their meal. Their tongue and lips rough but, not all at the same time. I knew I was making sound. That my body was reacting to it as I tried to wiggle away, as I tried to stop my body from responding.

I felt the tingling in my hair. I wanted it to stop, whoever it was….my whole body pushing me towards it moving towards the natural conclusion that usually results from a blow job. I was going to cum. I knew I was going to cum and I didn’t want to. I wanted to slow it down and had no way to dispel the energy. No way to distract myself from the sensations that I was feeling.

I was close I knew I was close and he…the feeling building the feeling of having to push of needing to do it. A burning sensation starting to crawl up my body, following the tickling that was pushing its way up my spine or down, it was hard to tell which direction it was traveling. It made it harder to breathe, impossible to think. I needed them to stop and I had no way of making them stop.

“Shit,” I muttered as my body released my eyes rolling everything seizing up. All my muscle pushing outwards leaving me panting as they sucked. As they…swallowed.

And then suddenly it was over for a little while. No more hands, no mouth, no lips or tongue, they were just gone. They were gone, and I was still trapped there. Still restrained tightly by my neck, wrists, and ankles, still locked in a metal box unable to move.  
I was hoping that maybe I’d get a break. That they would let me out but then I felt someone, a mouth just right away right to…The feeling making me jump. It was sensitive my whole body was sensitive. It had been maybe three or four minutes since the first person had left and that person did the same thing.

There was a little bit more time between the 2nd and the 3rd. Not a lot more but maybe 10 minutes instead of 4. By the time he was done it burned. Everything below my waist burned and by the fourth guy, I couldn’t…my body was done. My muscles burning my arms and legs shaking. I felt the vibration of someone moving. I wanted to scream. I wanted to…hands on my chest, on my neck.

They were letting me go someone pulling the headphones off. My whole body shaking as I listened to myself whimper my body screaming at me to get them away from my skin. To make them stop touching me.

“Ok, breathe,” I heard an accented voice I knew, “You go to break room. You relax.” Sergei said as he picked me up my knees shaking so badly they knocked together before he set me down in the holding room on a cot throwing a blanket at me.

He didn’t say anything else. I was shaking so badly my stomach felt like I just did thousands of crunches. I couldn’t cover myself instead curling into a ball. I couldn’t even touch myself everything was hurting so badly as I just tried to breathe.

“Hey,” I heard suddenly, “Hey it’s me, it’s Teddy. Are you ok?”

It felt almost like my body was rebelling against me. That now that it could move it didn’t want to stop moving. My legs twitching as my body tried to adjust to the ability to move the freedom of being in control of its own movement.

“Will? Can you say something are you ok?” Teddy asked me.

I wanted to scream at him. Yell at him ask him if I looked ok and tell him my whole body hurt. That my dick felt like it was on fire but all I could manage was a whimper like I was a kicked dog.

“Do you need some ice? I can go get some,” he asked me to which I nodded my head before I heard him scamper away and then come back, “Here. It helps to put ice on it.” He said trying to hand the ice to me as my body started calming down a little bit.

“He looks like he’s in bad shape,” I heard a voice I recognized.

“He’s not used to it, Lyan. You know that” Teddy said.

“Tu n'aides pas en ce moment. Pourriez-vous s'il vous plaît dire à Teddy de partir? Je ne peux pas faire ça maintenant.” (You are not helping right now. Could you please tell Teddy to leave? I can’t do this right now) I asked.

“Teddy, could you go help someone else, yes? He thinks you are too euthanistic and he’s too nice to say so,” Lyan told him.

“I can be chill,” Teddy said, “Do you want to…”

“No, I don’t want to talk about how you just handed me ice for my prick, thank you!” I said.

“Wow, ok,” Teddy said, “This really isn’t…can you like stop being mean to me?” Teddy asked frowning at me.

I wasn’t trying to be mean but, I was tired. And I hated…everything. I hated the way my body felt, where I was. I hated what I was doing and the fact that I wasn’t allowed to…the tears starting to fall. Tears of frustration and anger, of hurt. 

“It’s ok,” Teddy told me, “Just I’d rather you cry then yell at me, ok?”

I didn’t want to cry. It wasn’t abuse so I wasn’t supposed to cry. They weren’t beating me or anything like that. Just sucking my dick until it was black and blue while they tied me down so tightly I couldn’t move. It wasn’t that horrible, right? 

No, it wasn’t that horrible. It was worse. It was so much worse. I didn’t even know who had…who had given me a blow job. If it had been the same guy repeatedly or three different ones. For all, I knew Wallace was out there at that party somewhere and one of them had been him. That he had finally gotten one of the things that he wanted from me. And I hadn’t even been able to tell him no and how much I hated him, I hated all of it and…

“It’s ok,” Teddy said hugging me, “Let it out. It’s ok.”

“I just want it to stop. Why does he hate me? Why do they hate me?” I barely managed to whine before I started bawling.

It honestly felt like they hated me. It didn’t matter what I did James and Mike were always being threatened and John was always gone. He wasn’t allowed to be there. Mum was gone. I was alone, and I was forced to spend what felt like every day worried about getting raped, or someone else I cared about getting raped or listening to people tell me that they wanted to rape me. 

When they raped me, they said horrible things to me. Told me I wanted it, made me tell them I wanted it and I wasn’t even allowed to punish myself for it. When I did it wrong they whipped me or they threatened to do the same things to someone else that mattered to me. They had stripped me of my ability to do anything without being worried about what he would think. Without being worried about who he would give me to, what he would make me do. He had even taken my body hair away from me.

Teddy held me, making me lay down on a cot as I screamed. As I was sure I was screaming so loud they could probably hear me out where the party was happening. I wanted my brother. I wanted someone, anyone. 

“No, no…just let it out,” Teddy said grabbing my arms and holding them down Lyan frowning at me as he helped Teddy hold me down, “No, no, scream, let it out. It’s ok just let it go. Let it go.”

I knew my whole body was shaking, that something was…Something wasn’t right, didn’t feel right. I remember wondering why they were holding me down too. What I had done that they wanted to hold me down too. A voice I knew pulling me out of it. Pulling me out of my screaming my babbling.

“Willy?” I heard quietly.

“Oh sh…” Teddy said as I managed to elbow him in the side, so I could sit up.

“Mike? Mike, what are you here for? You shouldn’t be here. You shouldn’t…”

“Da said I was supposed to…Peter said I was going to h... help,” he said hugging himself, “My tummy hurts.”

No. No, I somehow managed to get up and pull me into me, into my chest and hold him.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry Pal, God I’m fucking sorry I don’t…”

“It’s ok Willy,” he whispered quietly, “You didn’t hurt my tummy. It’s ok. I’m ok.”

I didn’t even notice that Lyan had left the room. My body shaking as someone pulled a blanket over us and I cried into the back of my little brother’s shoulder. I really felt like he hated me and Da too. And they were using everyone and everything to punish me.   
To push me to this place where I didn’t have control over anything.

“Willy, can I tell you a story?” Mike asked me.

I nodded my head, “Sure, Pal, tell me a story,” I said into his back.

“There was a once a family of princes and princesses and they lived happily with their mum. But, they didn’t have a King. Not really because the king had been evil and had been banished from the kingdom but one day the evil King sent a dragon into the kingdom to seek revenge this dragon was big and bl…”

“Hey guys,” I heard Dr. Palmer, “How are we doing?”

“Willy’s sad,” Mike told him.

“I think Will has a lot of anxiety and he’s upset that you’re here,” Dr. Palmer told him.

“I know. I just… it’s not his fault. He thinks it is but, it’s not. My tummy hurts,” Mike said quietly rubbing his head against my arm.

“Why do you think your tummy hurts?” he asked Mike.

“Because the men put their love meat in there. That always makes my tummy hurt. Sometimes a lot.”

“How many?” he asked him.

“Five,” he said, “We weren’t supposed to be able to tell but, they talk a lot. They made us keep the balls in our mouths though, so we couldn’t talk back. They’re gags.”

“I see. Is it sore like it burns or sore like you ate too much food and something bad is going to happen?” Dr. Palmer asked him.

“Something bad,” Mike answered.

“No burning or stabbing?” Dr. Palmer asked.

“No,” Mike shook his head, “A little bit of stabbing but, I hit the button and they let me go. They told me I could go nap. Get clean.”

“Ok,” Dr. Palmer said, “Good. What about you Will? How are you doing? You seem to be shaking a little bit.”

I shook my head. He needed to worry about Mike. I was ok. 

“Anxiety?” he asked me.

“Yeah, he was crying,” Mike told him, “He never cries.”

“You never cry?” Dr. Palmer asked me.

“Papa told him he can’t cry if they don’t beat him because then it’s not abuse,” Teddy said, “He used to feed me the same bullshit line. He feeds it to almost everyone.”

“Is that true Will? Is that what the leader told you?” Dr. Palmer asked frowning at me.

“That’s what he told me,” Teddy said, “Will keeps saying it under his breath.”

“Anything you don’t want is abuse. You’re allowed to act like its abuse. He doesn’t know what you’re doing all the time. You can cry sometimes, it’s ok to…”

“HE DOES! He knows he knows…”

“No, he doesn’t,” Dr. Palmer told me, “I think your anxiety is out of control here.”

I don’t know why but I felt like he knew. He knew everything. That’s why he kept punishing me because he knew how much I hated him. How much I didn’t want to be with him, with any of them. That was the only explanation I could come up with that made any sense at the time and I had just … of course he was going to think I was going crazy.

Anyone would think someone who claimed a person saw and knew everything about them was crazy. It didn’t make any sense I didn’t even understand it but, that’s what it felt like. He had to know. There was no other way to explain any of it.

“That’s not what I meant,” I tried to backpedal, “I’m just…and I do cry. I cried earlier remember Teddy?”

“Are you crying at home though?” Teddy asked. 

I had Mike at home and James. I couldn’t cry at home. Da or uncle Ben or someone else was always with me if they weren’t. If they saw me cry…I couldn’t imagine it.

“Da’s with him,” Mike answered before I thought about trying to stop him.

“What do you mean?” Dr. Palmer asked.

“Da sleeps with him or John. They even have big beds now so Da can stay with them. Da said it helps him sleep,” He told Dr. Palmer.

“When did…”

“I asked him,” Mike said.

“When?” I asked.

“You think you’re the only two he spends time with?” Mike asked looking at me his cheeks flushing pink as he did so like he was embarrassed.

He knew what he was saying. I thought Da had stopped doing that. Stopped hurting them. That once John came home and I…that he had stopped. Apparently, he hadn’t. I’d been trying so hard to be good. To be like John and…I felt like his words were a fist to the stomach. 

“Da’s been teaching you?” I asked him feeling like I wanted to scream.

“He said that I …it would just upset you guys if I said anything. That you were being so good, and he didn’t want to ruin it. He said if I was good too he’d make sure …He’d keep Matty from being bad.”

“Bad how?” I asked Doctor Palmer touching my shoulder gently.

“Will, I think you have enough stress that we need you to just…”

“NO!” I said shaking my head at him, “Mike, it’s ok. Keep Matty from being bad how?”

“To me,” he said looking at the wall as he bit his bottom and started tearing up.

“Matty’s hurting you?” I asked him.

“He’s mean now. All the time. I ca…” he said a little hiccup escaping.

“Ok,” I said hugging him tighter, “ok.”

So Matty was still raping him. Treating him like an object just like Da did. But, instead of telling me like I had told him to he had decided to go to Da. To have Da take care of it and in exchange, Da was making him…this poor kid. And he had been dealing with it all alone.

“I’m sorry Pal. I wish you would have told me,” I whispered, “I would have taken care of it.”

“No,” Mikey shook his head, “Da said I had to take care of it. At least with Da, it’s different. At least with him, I don’t feel stupid when I can’t fight back.”

“You shouldn’t be here,” I said shaking my head looking at Teddy as I remembered the conversation we had, “Ted, you told me everyone on the list was younger. Why didn’t you tell me my brother was on it?”

“Dude, it wouldn’t have helped. We’re supposed to be on shifts. I was just kind of hoping that your shifts wouldn’t run into each other,” Teddy answered me, “I’m sorry, ok?”

“What about the rest of them? James? Matt?” I asked him.

“James is upstairs,” Dr. Palmer answered before Teddy could, “He’s with Luke.”

“He must be terrified,” I said feeling like I wanted to scream but holding it in because Mike was there because Mike needed me to be strong.

“They are doing ok. Sasha is up there with them. Sasha won’t hurt them. They are nervous, yes, but otherwise they are watching movies,” Dr. Palmer told me.

“He’s not passing them out?” I asked him.

“No,” he said shaking his head, “I think he wants them alone to “play”. You might be included in that too just because of how he…”

“Yeah, figures,” I said.

“You want to know what’s going on out in the main room? I wasn’t expecting them to put you in a private room but that could be because of what you are to him. If you want to know I can fill you in,” he told me.

I nodded my head.

“Ok, they have these stations set up. The first station is all older boys, boys who can ejaculate and basically every one of the 20 guests is sucking him to climax. That’s the station you’re working. There are five boys up for vote. Each man samples and then votes for the one they like the best. The one with the most votes wins. You’re on relief. Lyan, throwaways, they are relief boys. They fill the station when you guys need to walk out. We have five holding rooms open right now so I’m assuming the other relief boys are…”

“Al, Petya, Beckett, and Landon,” Lyan said, “Landon and Beckett are in the station. Al and Petya are in the other room. They don’t trust…”

“Us,” Teddy said, “You can’t blame them.”

“Well they trust you but, they don’t know him,” Lyan said looking at me, “And they don’t trust him.”

He said referring to doctor Palmer. I could understand that. He was an adult man. He wasn’t exactly helping them leave. For all I knew he was abusing them even though he said he wasn’t. I trusted Dr. Palmer but, I had noticed John seemed uncomfortable around him. John, while he was kind of jumpy, didn’t usually respond to people that way unless they had done something.

He probably thought I didn’t notice but, I had. I knew John tried to keep things from me the same way I tried to keep them from him but, I still feel like he wasn’t that good at it. At hiding things from me.

“Is it just you guys?” I asked Lyan.

“ Nous sommes 10 et 15 d'entre vous,” Lyan answered. (No, 10 of us and 15 of you.)

“Qui sont les autres?” I asked as Dr. Palmer cleared his throat.

“Can we speak in English?” he asked us.

“Why? I can…oh!” Mike said.

“Did you not realize we weren’t speaking English, Pal?” I asked him the idea amusing me.

“I didn’t think about it,” he told me quietly, “Sorry.”

“Well, Taz who is Villa kept, Blue, Tate, Viggo, Drake. All under 12,” Lyan said.

“Taz is only 9,” I said quietly.

“8,” Lyan said.

“I’m 9,” Mike said.

“Yeah, he likes them young,” Dr. Palmer said nodding his head, “You seem a lot calmer now Will. Are you feeling better?”

“You mean since I screamed it out a little bit? Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

Crying did make me feel better I just didn’t feel safe doing it very often because there wasn’t anywhere safe I could be. The safest place I had found was outside the school where no one would look. Otherwise, I risked someone finding me. Da, or Uncle Ben, Wallace or one of the other trackers or teachers. I just didn’t have a place I could really let go without being worried that someone would get angry with me or be worried about me.

“Scream more often. You do seem a little less anxious about this,” Dr. Palmer told me smiling.

“I huh, just…,” I trailed off as someone entered the room nearly tripping over himself as he hit the threshold of the doorway managing to catch himself before he fell flat on his face.

He was tiny. Thin, his eyes so big they looked like salad plates made of a light blue his dirty blonde mop of hair cut close to his head. His complexion paling as he looked at Dr. Palmer and went to turn around and head back out.

“It’s ok kid,” Dr. Palmer said, “Wha…”

“Viggo,” Lyan said, “Are you ok?”

Viggo nodded his head. Even though he looked at us like we all had two heads. Mike sitting down and pulling on me putting his hands around my shoulders causing Dr. Palmer to make a sound of amusement.

“Going a little shy Michael?” he asked.

He pulled on my arm and I leaned closer, “he’s pretty.”

“Ah,” I nodded my head, “You can say hi.”

“Hi,” Mike said looking at him.

To be honest he was a cute kid. Just his eyes made him slightly different from most people. Something about how his face was proportioned. It wasn’t any wonder why the brotherhood had him. Just like all the other boys, they kept none of them were anywhere near ugly including us.

“Hi,” Viggo said barely above a whisper, “Ly?”

“It’s ok,” Lyan said, “Come…want cuddle?”

“Da,” he nodded his head moving slowly forward.

“He’s your buddy?” Dr. Palmer asked Lyan.

“Buddy?” I asked.

“None of us have brothers. So, we pick brothers,” Lyan answered, “He is one. Landon is another and Gary. August.”

“Doesn’t August live with the Mason’s?” Dr. Palmer asked.

“Sometimes Derek keeps him,” Lyan asked frowning, “Why are you asking?”

“I’m just checking. I’m not a curator. I wouldn’t…know…” Dr. Palmer trailed off responding to the looks of fear on both Lyan and Viggo’s faces, “I don’t want to hurt him.”

“Then don’t ask if you don’t want us to think that,” Lyan said as he pulled Viggo close to him like I had Mike close to me.

“You have no mark,” Viggo said looking at Mike.

“My brother does. I will soon,” Mike told him, “My names Mike.”

“Soon?” I asked.

“Da said soon,” Mike told me, “He said it would hurt but that it meant I was brave.”

“Dr. Pal…”

“There’s nothing I can do,” Dr. Palmer said shaking his head, “I can do the same thing for him that I do for everyone else. Make sure I treat him and give him pain meds to get through the first couple of days after. Beyond that what I can do is limited. Guys I didn’t mean to scare you ok? I wasn’t asking because I want to hurt him I was asking to check up on him because it’s been a while since I’ve seen him.”

“He’s fine,” Lyan said, “He’s at home with Derek and Gary.”

“He’s with Derek right now?” Dr. Palmer asked.

“Don’t hurt him. He’s only little,” Viggo said, “Vy gryaznyy doktor, ne tak li?”

“Where are you from?” Mike asked Viggo.

“Home,” Viggo answered.

“Where is home? My home is London,” he said.

Now Mike and Matt did have slight accents but not as strong as John and I had. James and Cat sounded American and everyone below them seemed to as well. 

“I don’t know,” Viggo answered shrugging his shoulders.

“Maybe Polish,” I said.

“No, I don’t think so,” Dr. Palmer said, “I think it’s Russian. Viggo do you remember coming here?”

Viggo shook his head looking at the floor. He was beyond afraid of doctor Palmer and I think Dr. Palmer could sense it. Every time he asked Viggo a question he pulled Lyan arms tighter to his body and looked at the ground. Almost like he was in trouble or thought he was going to be if he spoke to him. Like he thought something bad would happen to him if he looked directly at him.

Lyan made a sound of irritation in the back of his throat looking at me like he expected me to do something. It took a minute for me to realize I was the only one who could do something. I was a five. They were throwaways. They couldn’t tell Dr. Palmer to do anything but, because I was untouchable, I could. I had enough room to speak up and not get my ass handed to me if a handler was feeling nice.

“I think you’re making them nervous Dr. Palmer could you…?” I asked gesturing with my head.

“Boys! I’m really not going to hurt you. I’m not asking you questions so I ca…”

“Doc,” I said shaking my head, “Have you forgotten what it’s like? Can you please just leave? Just for a little while?”

Doctor Palmer sighed looking at us, “Ok. I’m going to go.”

With that, he got up and left all five of us sitting there quietly for a while before Viggo seemed to feel safe enough to breathe. Safe enough to look at something other than the ground.

“It’s ok V,” Teddy said, “Having a hard time lately?”

“Charlie isn’t nice,” Viggo said nodding his head.

“Je’suis desolette,” Lyan said hugging him.

“Who is Charlie?” Mike asked.

“My Daddy,” Viggo said.

“But I thought you were…”

“He means the guy he lives with Mikey,” I told him.

“Oh,” Mike said.

“Papa gets a lot of really young kids from Eastern Europe. Sometimes while they are still little tiny. Like smaller than Luke and James. Auggie is 2 almost 3,” Teddy said.

“Little A?” I asked my stomach dropping.

“You know him?” Lyan asked me.

I felt like I wanted to be sick. Yeah, I knew him. I could see him so clearly in my head his crocodile tears rolling down his cheeks as Lionel grabbed his tiny little fingers “Maybe some bones need to be broken and remember they might not be yours.” The feeling of his weight on my stomach as Lionel encouraged him to do things he didn’t understand. That he didn’t realize he should say no to.

“It’s ok,” Teddy told me, “It’s ok Will.”

“It’s not,” I said shaking my head, “I’m all right though.”

“You’re sure?” Teddy asked me.

“If I wasn’t what would you do? There’s nothing anyone can do,” I said.

“I would tell you what I’m going to say anyway. Bad things happen here and it’s not your fault, ok?” Teddy told me causing me to nod my head.

“He’s right,” Lyan said, “Whatever happened it’s not your fault.”

“Come,” Someone said all of us freezing, “Will, come.”

It was Sergei the whole thing making me wonder what was happening if I was going back or…I sighed standing up Mike trying to cling to me as Lyan started talking to him.

“It is ok. Your brother will be ok. You can stay here with Viggo and me. Maybe we will go to other room and watch TV?” I heard Lyan say as Sergei led me away from the room and back down the hall where we had come from. 

I’m not sure what I was expecting but I knew I was hoping that he wouldn’t take me back to that room but, he did. I didn’t have the energy to fight him, just getting back up on the table. He locked me back in. My body not ready for it, my brain screaming at me that I had to beg him to let me go, to let me be with my brother but, I couldn’t find the strength to open my mouth. Letting my tears fall silently as soon as the blindfolds were in place.

I’m not sure if having most of my senses taken away helped or made it worse. Their hands on my body, their mouths. It was like that for what felt like forever. 7 and then a two-hour break, 5 and then another break and so on until apparently everyone had tried every boy. Then we were let go all of us piled into one room.

When I got into the holding room Viggo was on cot his eyes closed laying on his stomach Lyan and Teddy sitting close to him. I remember feeling raw. My…penis feeling beyond bruised just my balls touching against my body hurting. Everything hurting.

“It’s ok, I asked Papa to have someone draw an ice bath,” Teddy told me trying to sit up when he saw me and cringing in pain before rounding his lips to exhale.

“What’s going to happen next?” The same guy I had met last weekend asked, I think his name was Gabe.

“They are going to vote and then whoever wins their Dad gets something I’m not even sure and we get 10k in a college fund,” he said.

“That’s it? My dad did this to me for a chance at 10K?” he asked.

“Pretty much,” Teddy said, “I think they get to do a private taping of whatever they want for free. Instead of having to pay for it or have it public. They get their own exclusive video with any unrelated bottom they want with no restrictions.”

“That means…” Freddy trailed off.

“Whoever and however they want. Could be a throwaway. It could be one of us, anything they want. Usually, that’s a reward he offers for different things. Anyone that’s marked he’ll offer them up. Besides maybe you,” he said looking at me, “But I’m not 100% sure on that even.” Teddy told us.

“Fucking great,” Freddy said shaking his head.

“I agree,” Teddy said, “Honestly this whole thing is bullshit. My Papa is just nasty, ask anyone.”

“I believe you,” Freddy told him, “Are you ok Ted? What about you Will?”

“I’m ok,” Teddy said, “Not my favorite place to be but, I’m doing ok. What about you Fred?”

“I’m fine. My dick is sore but otherwise, I’m all right. I mean I’m not thrilled to be here but, I don’t think anyone else is either. It’s better than being at home or with Anthony,” Fred said shrugging his shoulders.

“Better? How is this better?” Teddy asked sounding shocked.

“Anthony isn’t nice,” Fred said shaking his head as if to dismiss it, “At least here the only thing I have to do is let someone put my dick in their mouth, right now anyway.”

“Well we’re just waiting on voting and stuff,” Teddy said before he looked at me, “Are you ok?”

I could barely move my lower body burned so bad. I imagined if I could get up I would be doing a cowboy walk. My member was red and swollen under the ice pack I was currently wearing. It didn’t feel good. Most people think of blow jobs as enjoyable but often it got to a point where it went past that to …your dick felt like it was so swollen pissing hurt. And I was at that point.

I think everyone was at that point Mike being carried into the room by someone and dropped next to me as I wrapped him up in a blanket and he hugged me. He looked beyond…I couldn’t even imagine. He had dried blood stuck to his legs going all the way down his calves like someone had destroyed his insides, wrecked his stomach. He was barely awake, and I was almost thankful for that because it meant he was escaping some of the pain. 

Whatever they had done to him it was bad. It was really bad. He was out of it. I don’t think he could have stood up if he tried. His little body curled over itself as I pulled him close.

“I’m right here Pal, it’s over. I’m sorry but, it’s over ok? It’s over…”

“M…my…,” he barely managed to cling to me. I wanted to scream. Why would they do that to him? I hadn’t even…he was a baby. He was my baby.

“Is he ok?” Lyan asked me as I shook my head allowing him to squeeze me as tightly as he could, “I’ll be back.” Lyan said getting up.

“What did they do, huh pal? What did they…”

“The made me stay in a…they put something over…and then they…and…I…I…”

“Shhh…Shhh…ok. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I let this happen ok? Ok?”

“I…it hurts,” he grunted.

Just then Doctor Palmer came into the room speed walking and came up to us touching his forehead, “you don’t feel warm. Hey, everyone can you go to one of the other holding rooms? I don’t think anyone needs to be here, so you need to leave,” he said snapping a glove into place as he took it out of his medic bag.

“What are you doing?” I asked remembering how he had tried that on me.

“I’m making sure there’s no serious damage but first I’m going to give him a slight poke. Just a little one ok Michael?” he told and poked with a needle before I could protest, “it might make your tummy hurt a little worse for a minute but, just try to breathe through it and we’ll let that settle in ok?”

“You think they gave him a…”

“Fissure? It’s possible. He’s not a very big boy. He was the youngest on the anal station and I don’t know why or what happened that he even ended up here, but he shouldn’t have been here. Until they pulled him for the first round and I asked to see the entertainment list I didn’t know he was here. It’s a double-blind test. They literally put him a booth to simulate a glory hole and then put a gag in his mouth, so he couldn’t speak so no one would able to tell his voice from anyone else’s. They then drown the room out with music. He shouldn’t be here though he should…” Dr. Palmer checked on him sighing, “he’s asleep. If you want to could you, please just hold him and pull the blanket up?”

I sighed exposing his bare backside. It looked worse than the one-time downstairs that had happened less than three weeks ago. Scratches and bruises, not bite marks but…it looked bad, his anus red and swollen, blood dripping from places where he shouldn’t be bleeding.

“Dr. Pal…”

“I know I see it I’m going to check and make sure…” he said putting a generous amount of lube on his gloved finger before inserting it into my sleeping brother’s rectum, “he’s ok. There are no deep fissures. There’s some tearing and he’s irritated poor kid but, he’ll be ok. He just needs a break. Needs people to stay out of there, stool softeners, baths with Epson salts. He’ll be ok in probably two weeks.”

“So, what they did to me when…?” 

“Yes,” he interrupted, “Pretty much, his fissure isn’t as big as yours was amazingly but, he’ll be very sore he probably won’t be going to school this week. He’s going to have some issues for sure.”

“How many handlers were there?” I asked him.

“Probably close to 20. They’ll call you guys in shortly. I’m going to go get your Dad and…”

“Da is here? He’s here and he let…” I felt so angry I was shaking.

That was my baby. He’d let 20 men gang rape my 9-year-old little brother to the point where he had torn. His insides were bleeding and he could have been beyond seriously hurt. All for some stupid guy who was raping me. Who was…James. Raping James.  
“Where’s James?” I asked Dr. Palmer.

“I checked on him and Luke a little while ago. They are ok they’re watching I think it’s Aladdin and eating popcorn. They seem to be ok. James asked about you though and Mike he seems like most of the anxiety he’s feeling is because he’s worried about what’s going on down here. I told him that you and Mike are fine.”

“Where is Matt?” I asked realizing Dr. Palmer hadn’t mentioned Matt.

“I huh…I heard your Dad talking about it if you want me to fill you in,” he told me.

“Fill me in,” I said my stomach jumping afraid of what I was going to hear. 

He was Matt. He was still my little brother and he didn’t deserve to be hurt. No matter what he did he didn’t deserve to be hurt.

“Apparently there’s some stuff going on with Matt and your Dad has involved Arthur, so Arthur has been doing that.”

“He’s been doing that? You mean he’s getting whipped? He’s…what did he …?” I trailed off huffing in frustration as I threw myself backward onto the cot.

“I didn’t hear that much,” he told me shaking his head, “Whatever happens though I’ll take care of it.”

“He’s already…,” I shook my head not sure I had any words for it before someone knocked on the open door.

“We’re announcing winner,” Sergei said, “You come. We only wait for you.”

I sighed looking at my sleeping brother who was half draped over my lap. My brother who was torn to bits and wondered what I could do for him. If there was anything I could do for him as Sergei stepped forward looking at us, taking in what we were doing.

“You help?” he asked Dr. Palmer gesturing to Mike.

“He’s knocked out but, sure,” Dr. Palmer said grabbing his sleeping form blanket and all and carrying him out in his arms as I attempted to stand up groaning.

“You ok?” Sergei asked causing me to give him a dirty look. “I ask because is nice to be asked. Need help?”

“Maybe,” I answered quietly.

“Arms on shoulders,” he said walking over to me, “You ok. I hold your weight, so you can walk.”

It was slow going. The whole lower part of my body feeling like I had done a million sit-ups at once. More sit ups than anyone could ever possibly handle my dick burning and a sharp pain running up my spine from my crotch every time I stepped forward as I struggled to continue icing my dick. Honestly the last thing I wanted to do was be standing up let alone in front of a crowd each step knocking the breath out of me but eventually, we made it back to the main room. The room I hadn’t really been paying attention to when I had been there earlier.

I was surprised to see it lit up in the mid-day sun. All the handlers milling about in their robes as almost all of us were still butt naked all the other bottoms that weren’t throwaways standing in a line in the middle of a room. A line that Sergei put me in as everyone started clapping for some reason Mr. Ford coming over and putting a chair down.

“Now that everyone is here, some of us a little more worn out than others,” he said smiling like he was amused, “And all the slips have been counted it’s time to announce our winners. For the fucking station our sweet tiny Michael who is…indisposed apparently poor dear. For the feeding station Cody who is…oh boy,” he said as I looked down the line to a little boy who was openly sniveling like he was trying not to cry.

He had light brown hair and gray eyes and looked like he was probably the same age James was his whole body shaking as everyone looked at him before Lionel walked up to him as he stared at his feet.

He whispered something into the kid's ear before the boy nodded his head and walked away quickly a couple people in the crowd laughing slightly.

“Don’t mind him. We all know the young ones can be a little finicky when it comes to crowds. They are really adorable when they are shy. For the tasting station, it seems to be an almost unanimous opinion, Will. I guess in a few years we can expect Michael to hold that record if we ever do this again,” Lionel said as the crowd laughed lightly.

“I can honestly say this has been a celebration I will remember. A man only turns 62 once in his life and it will be a birthday that I don’t imagine will ever be topped. I would like to thank some of my friends who came from many places for this special occasion in my honor as well as thanking everyone for the gifts they have given me. Some of which I will be using later and others of which will get many uses in the time to come,” he said a couple of handlers laughing again, “This concludes our evening, however, I have no objections to people winding down with some our relief entertainment as they see fit. Have fun.”


	74. Chapter 74

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lionel's birthday party is now over Will is allowed off the tables and back in Lionel private apartments where he spends time with Teddy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1901 to 1922. I will answer questions and stuff about this. I don't even know where this came from I'm just putting it into the computer. I honestly don't know. People do this stuff irl though just a couple years later than their development here. Trust me, I know people it happens and it's not uncommon **Warnings: mental health issues, Forced kissing, sexual abuse, talk of sexual abuse, same age sexual acts, anxiety, puberty, talk of underage sexual acts, growing up** So yeah let me know what you think, ship it, don't ship it. You'll see **John's POV Part 2 Chapter 29**

With that Lionel stepped away from where he was standing coming over to me where Sergei was still helping me support my weight as he put his hand on my chin, a smile lighting up his face, “How did you do tonight little one? Are you sore?”

I didn’t even hesitate to use my words looking at him, “Yes, Daddy L.”

“I think an ice bath is in order then. It will help. I’ve already had one drawn up for both you and Theodor in our private quarters where you’ll be staying the night. I trust everything went well tonight Sergei?” Lionel asked as Sergei helped me amble along behind him.

“Yes, they good boys,” he said nodding his head.

“Pick him up. I don’t want to upset his body any more than the extra attention already has,” Lionel commanded him before Sergei picked me up bridal style as we walked towards the stairs Teddy trailing behind us.

“Are we really sharing a bath?” Teddy asked him quietly as he caught up to him a slight limp to his step as well telling me that he was also sore.

“I think it’d be good for you two to have some time to talk alone, yes,” Lionel answered him.

“Papa…wh…”

“That’s my concern,” Lionel said, “Just talk to him. Get comfortable with each other.”

“Oh,” Teddy said as he stopped for a minute falling a step or two behind him before he started walking again.

Teddy didn’t say anything else. No one really did until we got upstairs to the apartment. Two little heads turning in our direction their eyes lighting up with excitement before they took in the fact that Lionel was there with us. Luke’s eyes didn’t really dull but his expression changed slightly where James, my little Jay he…he shut down his little face going red as he looked at the couch cushion under him.

“Does that mean the party is over Papa?” Luke asked as Jay played with a loose string on his sock.

“Yes, it does. The older boys need some rest though, so they are going to take a quiet bath in my bathroom while you boys finish your movie. I think you and James are going to share a room tonight Lucas while Theodore and William have their own sleepover. I do have some work to take care of, but I wanted to come in and wish all of you boys a goodnight,” Lionel said going over to the couch and kissing Luke on the forehead before he looked expectantly at him.

“A real love kiss?” he asked quietly seeming slightly embarrassed about it as Lionel nodded his head smiling.

Luke sighed turning around leaning up on his knees as he rested his hands on the back of the sofa before he locked lips with his own grandfather, Lionel sliding his tongue between the little boy’s lips my stomach jumping as bile crept up my throat. He was six years old. He was a little boy. That man was almost 60 years older than he was and yet he was making him… I closed my eyes sighing heavily not wanting to watch it happen.

“You too my sweet little peach,” Lionel said to the back of James’ head. His little body shifting going stiff. Going stiff in the same way I felt my body go stiff when he looked at me like that. The same way he made it impossible to move but stay still all at once.  
He didn’t want to. I didn’t want him to but, neither one of us could say anything that would make him not do it. We both knew it. My eyes landing on Teddy for a minute who shook his head slightly to signal that what I was thinking was right, it was better to keep my protest to myself. To let James just do it because that’s what Lionel wanted from him. 

“Daddy L I’m not…” James said before Lionel grabbed him hard by the back of the neck whispering something in his ear I couldn’t hear as James nodding his head before turning around, before kissing him open-mouthed, allowing it to happen. Allowing his Lionel’s tongue to do what he had done to Luke before he pulled away kissing him on the cheeks and forehead and then on the neck before he pulled away.

“Thank you, my sweet peach, always such a sweet boy,” he told him smiling before he walked up to Teddy.

It was gross the whole thing was gross, but Teddy didn’t hesitate like Luke and James had instead sticking his tongue in Lionel’s mouth as Lionel wrapped his arms around Teddy’s waist almost pulling Teddy’s naked body to him, against him. The kiss holding for longer than it had with either of the other two their separation slow, almost like a dance Teddy had learned and been doing his whole life, his eyes still closed as he pulled away.

“Good night Papa,” Teddy said seeming like he really meant it, “I love you.”

“I love you too my prince. One last kiss for me from my special one? My little one?” he asked as Sergei set me down leaving me shaking, my legs trembling as I stood there with nothing to lean on, nothing to support my weight Lionel kissing my hands as he took them and draped them around his neck to give me some support to stand, “There you are. My special sexy boy huh? You did so well tonight. Made me so proud and you’re going to be good for me tomorrow too aren’t you little one?’ he whispered into my neck before biting into the skin lightly.

Tomorrow? Tomorrow…tomorrow I was…my brain frozen, the word repeating through my head like a broken record, tomorrow. Tomorrow, my brain not able to…as he slid his tongue past my lips his hands going to my bottom and rubbing my butt like someone might do to their partner in private before they…before they had sex. 

He pulled back for a second, still holding me, looking at me. Looking at me like that before someone cleared their throat. I’m not even sure who it was. His eyes looking away focusing on something else as he left me shaking, “Thank you my sweet little one for such a lovely goodnight. Sergei why don’t you make sure everyone goes down for the night?” he said before I felt Sergei grab me around my naked waist and picking me up once more.

He turned and walked us into that room, his room with the bed. The cage and past it into his bathroom with the walk-in shower and the big tub but instead of being filled with warm water it was filled with ice cubes floating on water. Sergei gently lowering me down the shock of how cold it was instantly making me shiver.

“You sit, timer go off, you shower,” Sergei grunted in his accented English as Teddy hopped over the side facing me hissing slightly as he lowered himself into the water.

“Cold, cold, cold it’s fucking cold, it’s so fucking….” He managed his teeth chattering as he smiled at me.

“Why are we…sitting…. innnnn…. this….,” I barely managed to get out.

“If you talk it…it helps,” Teddy said, “Swelling, it…it…helps with the swelling.”

Oh. The same reason someone had given me an ice pack earlier. It was Lionel’s way of making sure we iced our dicks. Lovely, why we were doing it together though and why was Teddy asking questions about that? Shouldn’t this be something we did in private?

“It’s…. colllld,” I said.

“Mhhmm,” Teddy said nodding his head, “I …. I…hhhattte…this.”

“Me…to…to,” I said nodding my head my whole body shaking as my teeth chattered, “Do…Do …youuuu know hohow long wee have tttoo…”

“3-30 mmminnutes,” Teddy answered.

“Sssame ththing?” I asked him as he nodded head, “I…I do…don’t… un…understand whwhy we’re innnnhere totogether.”

“Tell yyyou whennn I ca-can talk,” he said his chest heaving slightly as he tried his best to become used to the cold.

I thought it was weird. Usually, Lionel made it clear he didn’t want me to spend time alone with anyone in a private space unless it was with someone he wanted me to be alone with. Why did he want me to be alone with Teddy suddenly? That had never happened before. I stayed silent until I felt I could speak without my teeth chattering the whole time.

“Do you know what’s going on Teddy?” I asked him.

“Huh,” Teddy said nodding his head as he avoided looking at me, “Brotherhood stuff.” He said quietly.

“What do you mean?” I asked him.

“You’ll never talk to me again,” he said looking at some of the ice cubes floating in front of him, “I mean it’s ok if you don’t I get it just…god, I’m not supposed to be this close to you. I’m not because he always ruins everything, everyone but Todd. Even Finn didn’t talk to me for a little while.”

“What do you mean?” I asked him.

“They…they make people do things. Cole and I told you all about it. It’s not just brothers, remember?” Teddy said my brain finally registering what he was saying.

“Why isn’t he here then? Or someone else?” I asked him.

“It’s just…we’re supposed to kind of talk about it a little bit if we want to. I mean it doesn’t matter what we want because he and Tony and whoever else will decide anyway but, yeah,” he said.

So, we were supposed to have sex. I was supposed to have sex with Teddy soon. What did he mean we were supposed to talk about it? To me, that didn’t make any sense. Teddy apparently seeing the question in my face.

“Look we’re supposed to talk to each other about what we want,” Teddy said shrugging his shoulders like he thought it wasn’t a big deal.

Like he wasn’t sure it really mattered. That he wasn’t saying we had to talk about having sex with each other when he knew I didn’t want to have sex with him. When he knew that was the last thing I wanted. Sure, it was better than Wallace but, not by much. It wasn’t the first time we would be but, it would be the first time where Lionel wouldn’t be involved or at least that’s what it seemed like he was implying. That it would be us and a camera and maybe a room full of guys like Tony, that worked with Tony like had been there when…when Lionel and everyone else raped me.

“I don’t want to,” I said shaking my head.

“I know but, that’s not a choice and we both know it. If we don’t you know who is going to pay. I know you’re not stupid and that you know it just like I do and that’s why they’re together. There are whipping boys Will. We don’t have a choice,” Teddy stated the obvious.

He was right. He had James and Luke and he knew that meant we were going to do whatever he wanted us to. Because if he didn’t it would be them. Two little boys who only knew that it was something they didn’t like and that it hurt. That it was something their Da and Papa made them do and it hurt. Two little boys who just knew it was scary and that it made their tummy’s feel funny even if they didn’t understand how wrong it was.

Maybe deep down they did but, not consciously. Not at six years old. So, I had no choice. I had to keep it together and not complain. Just do what I was told. Just like whenever it was him. No room for excuses or pleading. No room to do anything but what I had to.

“So, what do we do?” I asked him.

“We can talk about it and do somethings, try some stuff. That’s why we’re supposed to spend the night together. He says sometimes it helps things look more natural or we can…we can pretend it’s not happening until Tony tells us what he wants,” Teddy answered honestly.

What? Try some stuff? Try some…

“You mean …,” I said shaking my head not even able to bring myself to say it out loud. 

He wanted us to have sex before the…alone before the cameras were involved? He wanted us to…I didn’t know if I could do that. Why was that all anyone wanted from me?

“We don’t have to. I don’t want to. It makes it easier though,” Teddy said, “I did it with Cole and that’s why…” Teddy trailed off biting into his fist and looking at the water a tear dripping from his face, “he doesn’t like me anymore. Because I asked him t-to so he wouldn’t get mad. Because if it doesn’t look right he’ll be so…we don’t have to. We don’t. I …”

I don’t think I’d ever seen Teddy cry, not like that. Not like the kid he was looking at the ice cubes floating around him like he thought I was angry with him for talking about it, for suggesting it when it wasn’t his suggestion at all. It was something he wanted. He was just making Teddy bring up the subject.

“I don’t hate you,” I told Teddy reaching for his hand and grabbing it, getting his attention, “I don’t hate you.”

“No, I know but I…”

“I don’t hate you,” I said shaking my head, “That would be like hating a car because someone decided to run me over with it. It seems counterproductive.”

Teddy smiled, “I’m a car huh?”

“A tool he’s using. Just like I am,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “Just like they are. Like everyone is.”

“If I was a car, what make, and model would I be?” Teddy asked me trying to break the ice a little bit.

I snorted and shrugged my shoulders, “You know what I mean.”

“Yeah,” Teddy said nodding his head, “We don’t have to talk about it. Like I said it doesn’t seem to matter anyway. Tony and Arnold Baker will decide what they want. They also do a photoset with a video when it’s…when it’s me and it’s not like amateur stuff.”

“What do you mean, you?” I asked him.

“Oh, he’s been. I’ve been getting filmed since I was younger than Luke. I mean you kind of get used to it after a while. The weird powder on your face, the lights, the …Tony. All of it really. You just learn how to shut it down. I’m just glad he hasn’t made Luke yet. At least I don’t think he has. I don’t know I don’t like talking about it.”

“I was four,” I said quietly frowning as I heard the words leave my mouth.

“What?” he asked me.

“I was four the first time Da…the first time he climbed into bed with me. The first time I can remember. I don’t…I don’t think it gets any easier,” I said quietly.

“Alone is different. A lot different,” Teddy said, “I…he’s been doing it to me since before…before I ever…” Teddy shook his head, “The cameras I remember at 4 though. Tony.”

“That sounds scary,” I said not sure if there was anything else to say.

“It’s…I remember not being sure about why they were all watching me…do that. Not being sure why they wanted to and just feeling sick. Him explaining to me that I was pretty so…so people wanted to see h…how we played together. It just…” he trailed off.

“My Da didn’t do any of that stuff until we moved here. Until we came back from Montana. Or at least that’s what I thought until last week when John told me he was…there was a website.” I admitted.

“Oh, there is,” Teddy said nodding his head, “It has videos of everyone that’s had one made amateur or otherwise, pictures, stills like …sometimes it’s just pictures of someone naked and other times it’s them doing things to you. Dressing you up, whatever they want. Sometimes they’ll take pictures from when you were little, normal pictures like the kind parents take where you’re in the bath naked with your siblings and put those up too. They’ll jack off to them, the people on the website. Request to see you because of it and sometimes they let them. Sometimes not. It’s how they get more people to believe. To be Brotherhood.”

“Am I on the website?” I asked Teddy.

He nodded his head, “Everyone is just about. Everyone that’s been marked anyway a couple that haven’t. I’ve only seen it once or twice. I don’t really…you can ask a tracker about it if you want. They’ll tell you about everything on it. Especially if you’re on it and they’ve seen some of the stuff you’re in. They’ll call it your work or whatever but yeah…”

“So that video they did of me it’s…”

“Yeah,” Teddy said nodding his head.

Was that why Wallace wouldn’t leave me alone? Because it wasn’t just one video but a couple of them. Because I had pictures on there too? Not just the photos that the one guy took of me with Rick, Quinn’s little brother but, other pictures too from when I was really little? I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. The realization making me wonder how many people had…if that’s why all of Lionel’s friends wanted to see me when they came and that it wasn’t just Lionel telling them about me but, showing them.  
“We’re supposed to…to talk about what we like?” I asked him.

“We can,” he said, “We don’t have to. It’s ok not to.”

“What if we don’t really know?” I asked him.

“I think that’s why he likes it when we kind of…you know,” Teddy said his cheeks somehow managing to flush even though the water was deathly cold.

“Have sex?”

“Yeah,” Teddy said, “I’ve only ever with…Cole and it…he hates me now.”

“He doesn’t hate you,” I tried to assure him, “Can I tell you something?”

“What?” he asked quietly.

“Last weekend I overheard Cole talking and he’s been really mean to me lately. Like super mean whenever I’m around suddenly. I think D…your Grandpa he threatened him. Said that if he knew we were alone together again he’d hurt him. Or me and so he’s been avoiding me. He talked to me last week.”

“Is that what he told you?” Teddy asked me.

I nodded my head, “Don’t tell him that we…”

“I wouldn’t,” Teddy said, “Not if he told him to stay away. He wouldn’t like that. He’d be really mad. He’s doing the right thing by leaving you alone,” Teddy said.

“I know,” I said, “If he knew I liked Cole, what do you think he would do?”

“Nothing good. Don’t tell him that. Not EVER! Ok? Not ever! You can’t like anyone when you’re his. You can’t! You like who he tells you to like and that’s him and his friends,” Teddy told me his voice serious, stern.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “Ok. Does that mean he’s telling me to…to like you?”

“For tonight,” Teddy said nodding his head, “We don’t have to. We really don’t.”

“You keep saying that,” I said quietly a knock on the door making us both jump out of our skin.

“Timer go off. You can go to shower, warm water, no hot,” Sergei said poking his head in setting two towels down on the bathroom floor near the walk-in shower. The shower with six shower heads that was big enough to hold like six people at once. It felt weird when he helped me out and then helped me sit down on the tiled bench against the wall before he turned on the shower heads and helped Teddy as well before quietly leaving.

It seemed weird. It wouldn’t be my first time having sex if we did do something just…just my first time with someone my age. Someone, I was making a choice to be with. Someone that I knew and …I didn’t think I could. It seemed weird that I could see him naked suddenly.

“I can turn it up if you want me to. He won’t know. In fact, it might make it so…we don’t have to really do a video,” he told me giving me a small smile.

“Why?” I asked him.

“Well, the cold was to help prevent more bruising and swelling that the cameras would pick up. With stills, they can edit out the discoloration to make us look…excited about the whole thing but with actual video footage it’s harder and take more time and money to edit so they might wait another week or two if we’re lucky. That’s if I turn the heat up though because it will basically reverse everything the ice bath did,” Teddy told me.

“Did you do that…with Cole?” I asked him.

“Cole was the one who taught me that trick actually. We did it like twice before Papa caught on that’s what was up because he likes to play hard especially with group stuff,” Teddy admitted.

“I noticed,” I said nodding my head.

“Yeah, he’s …yeah. He mixes it into his coffee,” Teddy told me making my eyebrows raise.

“What? I think my Da told me that but, I thought it was a joke. You mean like our…”

“Yep,” Teddy said, “It’s really gross if you think about it but, he says it’s sweet. That the first two years a …it’s really sweet. He just started playing with me a little bit more again because …”

“You can do that now?” I asked him, and Teddy nodded his head as he blushed.

“It feels weird, doesn’t it? Wait can you…”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “I think it feels a little weird. Like really different from before. I’ve been doing it for a while now though.”

“I didn’t know that,” Teddy told me.

I nodded my head feeling embarrassed about it. For a lot of my friends, it was a new thing. Something their body could just newly do. While I wasn’t exactly a pro at it I had started ejaculating at 10. It made me feel like a little bit of a freak.

“Well like…how would that come up anyway?” I asked him nervously.

“Like it is now I guess. The first time it happened to me I was kind of in the middle of something. It like scared me a little bit,” Teddy told me.

“What were you doing?” I asked curious about the way he said it.

“My brother,” Teddy said my eyes going wide as I looked at him shocked, “Not Luke, Louis. Its just like kept building and then went it…I thought I was really peeing. And then Louis said that’s what it feels like when you…you know. And he showed it to me. He put some on his finger and showed it to me.”

“You and Louis…have…?”

“Practice real love, yeah,” Teddy said, “It’s actually pretty normal for siblings too. I don’t really want to but, if I say no he’s mean. Not as mean as Papa but, still, mean.”

“He…he helped Karen babysit once. He…she …huh…,” I tried.

“If it’s going to upset you, you don’t need to talk about it. Did he do something to you?” Teddy asked me quietly.

I nodded my head not sure what else to say. Not sure there was anything to say about it. According to Karen, I was life a ruining slut because of him. Just like the rest of them thought. Just like everyone would always…

“I’m sorry,” Teddy said, “Do you think it’s weird we all look so much alike?” he asked me suddenly.

If you lined them up, you could tell they were siblings. All of them had the same dark hair and dark eyes that their mother had all of them had a Mediterranean complexion. They weren’t bad looking. I don’t think I ever heard anyone accuse Teddy of being bad looking. 

“No, that’s like asking if it’s weird Finn looks like…like Wallace it’s…it’s just how it goes I guess,” I answered.

“I don’t like it, you know?” he said suddenly.

“You mean with like your brother? I figured. I don’t enjoy it with anyone that makes me either,” I said.

He looked at me, stared at me intently for a second and then said something I wasn’t expecting, “I liked it with Cole.”

He had liked it with Cole meaning they had…it still felt weird to think about. Teddy having sex with someone. Me having sex with someone. Talking about it even though Todd and I had talked about it a little bit. The whole thing just seemed off. Like it wasn’t supposed to be like that.

“Are you ok?” Teddy asked me.

“I huh, yeah. Why?” I asked.

“You did your freeze thing. I’m not saying we have to do anything. You know that right?” he asked me.

“No, I know,” I said nodding my head.

“Have you ever…you know? Because you wanted to, I mean,” Teddy asked me.

“Once,” I answered, “I liked it I just…I’m sore.”

“Right, me too. If you wanted to…it wouldn’t have to mean anything. You know that, right?” Teddy asked me.

I knew it wouldn’t have to mean anything. I wasn’t stupid it could just mean messing around. Messing around so that I didn’t have to feel them when I closed my eyes. Messing around like John and Pat said Cole messed around. Touching someone and letting them touch me so that it could feel nice instead of dirty. So that it didn’t have to be bad anymore or make me a slut.

“Do you want to…,” I trailed off.

“Want to what? You just said you felt kind of sore,” Teddy said.

“Just like kiss or something?” I asked feeling my face get hot.

“Yeah, we can…if you want. I won’t make you do anything you don’t wan…” Teddy said before I pushed my lips to his grabbing his chin gently before the peck deepened and became something else, his mouth opening, allowing my tongue in so I could sweep the inside of his mouth, tap his tongue gently with mine before he pulled away his face as flushed as mine felt.

“Was that ok?” I asked him.

He nodded his head in response before he spoke, “A little weird but, not like a bad weird. More like a…I don’t know.”

“It didn’t feel like them but you’re not sure it felt like it’s supposed to?” I suggested, and he nodded his head in agreement.

“Cole says he does it because it feels better than they do,” I told him.

“It did,” Teddy said before going silent.

“You’re the one who…”

“No, I’m not mad. I’m not upset,” Teddy said his gaze moving from the floor to my face, “It’s just different. I mean I’m not sure what I was expecting but, it’s different even from what happened with Cole.”

“Did you and Cole actually…you know?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” Teddy said, “But then he stopped talking to me. I don’t know if that was because of it or because of Papa or what but, it got awkward.”

“I had a friend in Montana,” I admitted, “We did a lot of stuff.”

“Really? Like for real because you wanted to and not just…”

“Yeah. He asked me before and during a lot if…if I was ok. If I was sure I still wanted to, you know. I always said yes so…,” I told him.

“Did you mean yes though? Because sometimes Pap…”

“I know. I know and it…I meant yes,” I said, “It felt nice. I mean that kiss was nice but not the same way.”

“He wants us to practice,” Teddy said, “Like with each other.”

“You keep saying that,” I told him.

“Well, it’s weird, ok? I don’t know. It’s weird and the last time it…I know you say he doesn’t hate me and he says it too, but it feels like…”

“Yeah well, I kissed you, ok? If I thought it was going to make me hate you I wouldn’t have. I mean it was just to see but, that doesn’t mean we have to do anything else. You said so yourself that he wants us to but, he’s not going to make us,” I said.

“Right,” Teddy said nodding his head, “He’s never made me have sex with someone my own age on our own even if he’s encouraged it. Just because it helps with the…”

“The cameras, you said that already,” I said.

“You want to get out now?” Teddy asked me, “I know we just keep talking about the same thing over and over so if you want to…”

“Are we going to…?” I trailed off still not feeling sure or safe about the idea. 

The idea of sharing a bed with Teddy of maybe having sex with him. Teddy was my friend and he wasn’t a bad guy. He was a little strange but, who could blame him for that? I mean look at what he grew up in. He grew up surrounded by guys his age that were treated like they weren’t human, that weren’t even allowed to wear clothes and those were his closest friends. The thought making me wonder as Teddy turned off the water if Cole was the only one who had…my face feeling even warmer.

“You ok?” Teddy asked me.

“I don’t mean to like pry but is Cole the only one who…”

“No,” Teddy admitted, “I mean it’s not with everyone but, a couple. One guy turned out to be a tracker which I should have seen coming all things considered at the time and another one is…I told him I wouldn’t ever tell anyone in case it came back on him. He’s a throwaway so it could…”

“Kill him,” I finished, and he nodded his head.

“So yeah, I just don’t talk about it. He was nice though, he felt good, right even,” Teddy told me.

“Who was the tracker?” I asked him.

“Someone Papa said could and so they did. They were…they made me think that they …because of …because they liked me, cared about me when it was…I was just stupid. Young and stupid and I thought maybe he really cared and he didn’t,” Teddy said going quiet as he stepped out of the shower and handed me a towel.

“Thanks,” I said nodding my head, “Do you still talk to him?”

“He’s my mentor. So, yeah. He doesn’t really…he acts like it never happened. I hate him. He’s not very nice.

He’s nicer to me than he is to most people but, that doesn’t mean anything. I mean look who my Papa is. That’s probably the only thing that keeps him from being really mean to me. Some other kid, he was manipulating around the same time he was doing it to me he…he wasn’t nice to him. He came in for a party and he had big scratches and handprints going down his back. 

All he could do was point at the guy and say “you see that? That was me. I rocked his world. He’s such a little slut.” I asked him if that’s what he thought of me too and he admitted it. That we were practice and he wanted to…he couldn’t wait until he was in charge he said. I quit talking to him. He got mad but, he couldn’t do anything about it because of Papa, still can’t.” Teddy told me.

“He’s your mentor?” I asked.

“Yeah, he’s not nice at all. He helps me with homework and stuff and tells me to tell Papa that he’s behaving but whenever he’s out of earshot of anyone else he’ll point at different bottoms in our class and talk about them. How he made so and so choke on him in the bathroom or rammed his finger into him until he couldn’t stop wiggling. He’s just mean. Really gross,” Teddy said, “He’s friends with all of the other trackers, of course, he’s really mean…I don’t.”

“It’s ok,” I said noticing he was getting upset, working himself up, “It’s ok. You don’t need to. It’s ok to feel stupid about it after it happens. I’m sure that happens to everyone.”

“I don’t know, just thinking about the whole thing makes me feel stupid. My life, everything,” Teddy said shaking his head as we dried off, “We don’t have…”

“PJ’s? I figured,” I said nodding my head, “It’s ok. I can sleep on the floor if you wa…”

“No. We can share a bed. I mean it’s not like I haven’t seen you naked all day,” Teddy told me causing me to smile and blush.

“That’s true,” I said nodding my head, “So we just go to sleep?”

“Yeah,” Teddy said as we opened the door, all the lights off except a small one in the hallway lighting the way to the guest bedroom, my bedroom.

It felt weird for some reason. Teddy probably being the one who put the idea in my head since my body wasn’t nearly as sore as it had been. That maybe it would be ok to try. As long as he understood it didn’t mean anything that it was just…just sex. Maybe it would ok.

“Did I make you nervous?” he asked me suddenly stopping in the doorway.

“Wh…huh, a little,” I answered honestly.

“We don’t have to do anything,” he insisted, “We really don’t. You said you were sore and so.”

“What if…,” I felt my face heating up again, “What if we didn’t like…go all the way?” 

“What do you mean, you mean like…?” He trailed off.

“Like just got a little. Tried some stuff out,” I said.

“Oh,” Teddy said, “We could do that. I’d be ok with that if you’re ok.”

“You wouldn’t let it get weird? I mean it doesn’t have to mean anything you said so yourself. Like we could still be friends after just like friends that have…”

“Guys do it all the time. Apparently outside of the brotherhood too according to Papa,” Teddy said to me, “Like they call it circle jerking and stuff. Hooking up. It doesn’t mean we’re dating or anything.”

“Right,” I said nodding my head as Teddy sat down on the bed his legs spread as he looked at me.

“I mean we don’t have to but, I’d like to.”

“I think I’d like that too,” I said.

The idea of not having to feel what they had done to me was too tempting. The idea of making a choice to be with someone that I wanted to be with. The idea of someone touching me because I wanted to be touched. It was appealing, comforting almost.

“Come here,” Teddy said shifting his weight sitting up and patting the bed beside him.

It was the same green quilt, the same full sized bed that was just big enough for the two of us if we laid close together. His arm underneath my body against the pillows as I laid down, leaving the overhead light on.

“You want to leave the light on?” he asked me his brow wrinkling almost like he was amused by the idea.

“Why not?” I asked him.

“I was just wondering,” he said.

“Well, it’s not something that has to be in the dark. It doesn’t have to secretive and dirty, this time,” I answered.

He giggled, “This time. I like that,” he said bringing his face close to mine, “this time.”

“Well like every other time I’ve chosen to touch someone like that or have them touch me it’s been in the dark, so I figured it’d be an interesting change,” I said.

“Ok, what did you do with this guy?” Teddy asked me, “And what are we doing right now because I think we should make it clear where our boundaries are just because with Cole we kind of…”

“Something happened?” I asked a bit of the lightness of our conversation disappearing.

“Yeah,” Teddy said “We were fooling around, and he went to…you know, and I got upset. I don’t know if it was the feeling of his…him against me there or what but I just…I tried to push it away and told him I was ok, but he could tell, and he stopped, and he got upset too. After that, he stopped talking to me.”

OH! That explained a lot. Cole had never been one to kiss and tell at least not with me and Teddy, I had thought Teddy outside of the whole Brotherhood thing was a virgin that didn’t know what he wanted but was pretty sure he was gay. Apparently, Teddy knew and had experience in the fact that he was indeed gay just like I did.

So that’s why Cole felt guilty because of Lionel and then because Teddy and he had…and it had made Teddy a little upset but he felt like Teddy wasn’t healthy enough to put up boundaries and stop Cole when it got to be too much so he had to step in and stop himself but then he had felt guilty about even starting whatever it was they had been doing.

“What have you done? Like because you wanted to and not because of…you know?” I asked Teddy, “You tell me I’ll tell you.”

“Ok,” Teddy said, “I’ve used my fingers to…to you know fuck someone and I’ve penetrated them with other …I fucked them, ok? I’ve done oral, rimming, pretty much everything you can do I think besides stuff with toys and all that weird stuff. You?”

“I haven’t done you know, I didn’t let them put their mouth down there but, everything else pretty much and I did those things to them. I just didn’t want them doing it to me. I couldn’t use my penis because I wasn’t big enough but, yeah,” I admitted.

“I let them do those things to me too. The rimming I was kind of iffy about and that’s what happened with…well, anyway so how far are you going to let me go when it comes to me touching you?” Teddy asked me.

“I’m not sure I want your tongue there,” I told him.

“Rimming is off the table then for you, it’s off the table for me too. We said no actual sex, right?” he asked me, and I nodded my head, “What about oral, like…ok that’d be a no for receiving?” Teddy asked as I hissed at the idea.

“Yeah, I just don’t…” I trailed off.

“That’s fine. That’s ok. What would you be ok with doing to me?” Teddy asked me.

“Anything you wanted. So, no rimming. Kissing, fingers or hand job?” I asked him.

“Fingers I’m not 100% Handjob I’m totally into it. Oral I’m ok with,” Teddy told me giving me a small smile.

“And the lighter stuff? Kissing and what not?” I asked him.

“Oh, kissing is nice, hands against skin is nice, rubbing my back and stuff. It’s relaxing,” Teddy told me, “What about you?”

“I liked it until he got to my butt then I was kind of…not ok sometimes,” I admitted.

“Ok keep the hands above the waist if I’m on your skin which I’m going to be,” Teddy said, “Got it.”

“So, you want to…?” I trailed off as I finally sat down.

“You can start if it’s easier. Sounds like you have a little less experience than I do so how about you set the pace, ok? Anything you don’t want, you tell me,” he said as I nodded my head laying down next to him.

I remember taking a deep breath and feeling awkward about it, awkward about the fact that we were going to do it and it was ok for once. That both of us were saying it was ok and Lionel wasn’t standing over us, making Teddy kiss me or making me kiss him, put our hands on each other as I leaned forward.

“You can change your mind,” he reminded me.

“I know I just…,” I said before resting my hand against the side of his face as he blinked at me, smiled at me allowing his face to push slightly against my palm as he touched the back of that same hand.

“It’s ok, whatever you want,” Teddy said looking at me, trying to assure me of it as I leaned forward kissing him again.

This time tongue involved even though it was slow, less rushed. He …it was nice. His tongue not pushing or pressing at me but only tapping mine in response. His body relaxing as he laid the other side of his face on the pillow and my hand moved down from his jaw to his neck, to his chest. His hand reaching out and touching my shoulder holding it.

His hand felt warm against my cold skin, his body radiating heat his hand moving down my shoulder to my arm before he broke our kiss leaning forward kissing my neck above where his hand had been a second ago before pulling away.

“Is this ok?” he asked as I nodded my head feeling a little breathless, my body feeling warm, “It feels really nice, thank you.”

“It does,” I said nodding my head in agreement. My hand touched right above his belly button making him jump, “Are you ok? Did I…”

“No, you didn’t do anything just tickled,” he told me, “If you want to touch me you can.”

“You’ll let me know if it’s not ok?” I asked making sure.

“I swear,” he told me.

“Ok, I’m…” I said my hand going lower as I felt that warmth. That soft almost playdough like feeling of his shaft causing me to look down.

He would have had hair if they hadn’t of waxed it off. Dark but still soft almost like my blond hair that I had. His ab’s moving slightly, tensing with the touch as I thought about curling my hand gently around it, rubbing but I hesitated looking at his eyes, his lids fluttering.

“Are you ok?” I asked him.

“Yeah, it feels good,” he said placing his hand over the top of mine, " if you wa…” he said his mouth gaping slightly as I started rubbing.

“That feels good?” I asked him.

“Mhm,” he moaned softly closing his eyes and rounding his lips before he started kissing into my neck, sucking on the skin there sending tingles down my body from the spot making me moan softly.

He felt good. Like he knew what he was doing, what spot his mouth was looking for and he was hitting it. My body no longer felt hot with anxiety but more relaxed, laid-back as I started feeling something else. A tingling like what I had felt when I had been with Beau, warm and soft instead of ice cold and like a punch to the stomach like it felt with them. A tingling that started off slow and warm, sweet and calm instead of a panic rushing through my system and pushing it into my veins and around my body.

“That feels really good Will,” he breathed into my ear tickling my skin causing me to giggle, “Do you want me to…return the favor?”

I nodded my head not sure what to say before I felt his hand there brushing against my base before wrapping me in his palm. Before making me sigh as I leaned into him and he leaned into me the feeling overwhelming. He felt good, what he was doing felt good our lips meeting again as we continued touching each other, feeling each other, petting.

I remember the tingling starting to feel almost like bubbles. The bubbles of a good carbonated drink coming to life under my skin. We both kept going, kept kissing, kept feeling, touching until we both exploded breathlessly. Almost like real kids. Almost like normal kids Teddy kissing my neck still but starting to move away, kissing down my chest to my collarbone.

“Wait,” I said, and he immediately pulled away.

“Sorry,” Teddy told me, “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m ok,” I said running a hand through his hair, “Just tired.”

“So, we…I mean it was…”

“It was nice,” I agreed nodding my head, “Thank you.”

“Thanks, you too,” he told me before kissing the back of my hand, “I’m going to go turn off the light. We’ll go to sleep ok?”

I nodded my head closing my eyes. I think I slept well that night. For the first time in a long time. It wasn’t the same as sex, but it was still sexual contact. Sexual contact that didn’t hurt or make me feel guilty or stupid, or used. Just touching, two friends touching each other making each other orgasm and then falling asleep.

The next morning, I heard the door open but didn’t think anything of it until I realized where I was but not before someone jumped on my stomach making me cringe and cough.

“See I told you there wasn’t enough room for all of us,” I heard a familiar voice admonish, “Are you ok, Willy?”

“I’d be better if you hadn’t just jumped on my stomach,” I barely managed fighting the urge to throw up as I looked at the very remorseful expression on my little brother’s face.

“Morning,” Teddy mumbled blinking awake slowly something occurring to James, his face showing it.

“Did you two …kiss?” he asked us my face immediately going red.

“There’s nothing wrong with kissing,” Luke said, “I kiss Papa all the time and Teddy and Louis. Kissing is what you do when you love people.”

“Well, there’s real love kissing and then them kissing and then this other kissing that’s kind of naked almost like how Da plays with me and Daddy L but John says only big kids do it with really good friends. I was wondering if they did that kissing because they’re naked. I’ve only seen John and Pat do it without shirts and not naked, but I think you can do it naked too, so it makes sense,” James said excitedly.

“No, we didn’t naked kiss. Papa didn’t give us PJ’s so and we had to sleep so we might be naked but that doesn’t mean we did anything,” Teddy said.

“Really?” James said.

“Yes,” I said nodding my head, “Why?”

“Well you look really happy like that one time in Montana when you came home, and you smelt funny and then John got all mad and run outside screaming about Bea…” I put my hand over his mouth, “We don’t talk about Montana ok? What happened in Montana stays there. Don’t’ talk about that. Please?”

“Oh,” James said nodding his head, “Ok. Are you coming out for breakfast? If not, Sasha said that he would take us down to the mess hall for breakfast. That you might want some alone time. I think so you could continue naked kissing if you wanted.”  
Teddy laughed looking at me, “We aren’t naked kissing I swear,” Teddy said to James, “Give us a few minutes to find something to put on ok?”

“Ok,” James said, “I love you Willy and I want to know it’s ok if you naked kis…”

“We’re not naked kissing!” I said, “he just told you that like twice and I said it too. Let it go!”

“I still think you’re lying,” James said, “We’re waiting don’t take too long.”

With that, they both left shutting the door behind them. My brother. That’s all I could think as I shook my head at the door, my brother. 

“He probably got the “naked kissing” from Luke. He’s walked in on some different situations at home between Louis and I and that’s what Louis tells him we’re doing. Because I don’t picture your older brother saying something like that,” Teddy said.

“He might have. I do believe James did see something once. He wasn’t sure how to explain that so the three of us sat down and had a talk. I think he said it was “kissing with his shirt off and wrestling though and not naked kissing.”

“So, Pat and John are really close?” he asked.

“Oh yeah,” I said nodding my head as Teddy got up.

Honestly, I had never had a chance to check out Teddy’s ass and I figured if I was still there something bad was going to happen, so I might as well look at what I might be getting filmed with. His ass was nice. Like the perfect amount of round yet still muscular his body was not as mature as mine in some places but, he was still developing nicely. He had all the makings to have a physique of a Roman or Greek God. Feeling myself blush as I looked at him when he turned around and laughed lightly at me.  
“You don’t need to pretend you aren’t checking out my ass. It’s ok,” he told me like it was no big deal.

“I…sorry,” I said.

“We got pretty close last night so don’t be sorry. Just so you know I’ve seen yours and yours is really nice,” he told me.

“Huh, thanks,” I said quietly.

That wasn’t the first time I’d heard that. One of the last times my Da had made me do anything with him that’s what he had said. How it was no wonder Lionel liked putting his…me blinking as Teddy was suddenly in front of me.

“You’re ok, just breathe. I don’t know what I said but, I’m sorry, It’s ok. I swear I didn’t mean anything by it. Just breathe,” he told me holding my hand as I realized how tight I was gripping his.

“How did…”

“You did your freeze thing and made this weird sound and then started shaking,” Teddy told me, “I figured you were someplace else but maybe…I reached out my hand and you grabbed it and you clamped down. It’s ok though, you’re not hurting me.”

“I…sorry,” I said quietly.

“I’m sorry. I must have said or done something. Do you know what?” he asked me.

I shook my head. I didn’t want to tell him that. To make him feel worse than he probably already did. 

“I’m still tired,” I said quietly, “Do you think it’s ok if I stay here a little longer?”

“Alone? Yeah,” he said, “I’ll go with the boys tell them you’re still tired. No problem.”

“Thanks,” I said laying back down.

“You don’t feel bad about last night, right?” he asked me.

“If I did would I have just check out your ass?” I asked him smiling.

“Ok, I was checking. I don’t want things to be weird,” he said, “You know I’m sorry about whatever happens later, right?”

“I don’t think any of that can be blamed on you,” I told him, “Just go.”

“Ok,” he said grabbing a robe and pulling it on before he left the room.

Honestly, I didn’t feel bad about it at all. I just wished he hadn’t reminded me of what everything else was like. How the only reason we weren’t in trouble for that and whatever else we might have done was because Lionel wanted to film it and for it to look real. Normal like it was something we had done before. That he wouldn’t get mad only because of that reason and nothing else.


	75. Chapter 75

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will finishes out a weekend at the Villa that he's not ready to face only to be confronted by Wallace about events from the weekend before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1922 to 1964 **Warnings: Mental health issues, anxiety, rape, forced sexual activity with other minors, making of pornography, bullying, harassment, depression,** I'm tired so there are probably plenty of warnings missing here forgive me and if you think I missed any that need to be included let me know. **John's POV Pt2 Chapter 30**

I don’t know how long I was allowed to sleep but when I woke up it was because of him. Lionel touching my shoulder, “Wake up, little one,” he said smiling at me, “I need you to come with me. We’ll have the Dr. check you out and then get everything set up.”

He didn’t really say anything more than that but took me downstairs. Teddy with us shooting me encouraging looks almost like he was trying to assure himself that it would ok as much as he was trying to assure me. Lionel unlocking the double doors that separated where the throwaways lived from the main part of the villa and taking us down to the lower level by the kitchen and mess hall. He took us the studio rooms with the red and blue lights that lit up like the lights on a police car when they were filming all of them dark as we walked into a small room.

“Sit down. I’m going to hope you’re both clean?” Lionel said.

“Yes Papa,” Teddy said sitting down in a chair as I did the same.

“I was thinking making them look slightly older, not by too much but just enough. We’ll…” Lionel said running his hands through Teddy’s hair, “Where is Arnold?”

“Right here,” a guy said coming through the door.

He was the same guy who had done the photoshoot at Tony’s restaurant. The one where David had touched my brother. Where he had been a shivering wreck in the car for nearly two hours while Uncle Ben joked and laughed with the other handlers there not even worried about where we were. Great. That photographer.

“What are you thinking Arnold? I was thinking we start open shirts. One in silk like an angel,” he said looking at me. “One an open leather jacket and we…slowly undress them get pictures of them touching, kissing and move forward from that,” Lionel said.

“I love it,” Arnold said, “Blond in silk and Black in Leather?”

“That’s what I was thinking,” Lionel said some girl coming up and powdering my nose, “Probably outline Theodor’s eyes really make that golden brown pop.”

“Probably and a glossy lip for our angel boy here. Such a beautiful boy,” Arnold said looking at me reaching out only to have Lionel slap his hand away.

“No touching. You have to speak to me privately about that,” Lionel said making Arnold smile.

“Ok, I’ll go set up for stills. Boys, if you’ll follow me,” he said talking to a bunch of what I like to think of as minions that just did whatever they were directed to whether that was holding a boom or camera or moving a couch from one room to the next.

I don’t remember either Teddy or me speaking while they played with our hair, our faces. Them spiking my hair just slightly before going and getting Arnold who said it seemed too “hard” and that it needed a softer touch. This caused them to rinse my hair out in a sink, redo my make up and then redo my hair so there was more of a soft wave to it. I thought I looked ridiculous but Arnold seemed satisfied with it, so I guess that was my look.

When we got into the room it was actually kind of cool looking. The wall behind us was more like a prop brick wall covered in graffiti in bright colors. I remember feeling out of place even though it was cool looking but then again, they had me done up in body glitter and clear lip gloss. Teddy’s make-up the dark to my light as he smiled at me a little.

“Just breathe,” he told me, “You’ve kind of done this before, right?”

I nodded my head in response.

“Ok, I don’t like this either and you’ll notice I roll my neck a lot between shots. I’m trying to keep myself from tensing up. Move around a lot when he puts the camera down. Jump up and down shake out your hands, make funny faces…it’s weird but it helps. Try to find the light with your face. Like say they turn this light on,” he touched a light pole, “Turn your head or try to keep your head or whatever towards this light. They’ll mostly tell us how to move but, yeah. You can watch him do me first if you want….”

Do him? Wait they were going to...? Oh my god no. No, I wasn’t sure I could deal with this my whole body shaking.

“I think you need to find a better way to word things. He’s delicate and you just startled him a little bit. He didn’t mean I’m going to “do” him he means I’m going to shoot him,” Arnold said causing me to turn and look at him, “You remember me?”

I nodded my head in response. I wasn’t sure what else he wanted me to say to him. To do about it. Of course, I remembered him. He’d stuck a 7-year-old in my lap and made him hold onto my shoulders and positioned it so it looked like he was…I was inside of him. I was having sex with him. It was gross, it had been gross. How could I forget someone that had made me do that?

“Good. Then you know I’m not going to hurt you,” he said, “Teddy you want to lean back on the prop wall? It’s solid.”

Teddy sighed before leaning backward his hips arched forward as he folded one ankle over the other Arnold whistling in surprise.

“Nice! You are learning. He’s right you should watch him, watch the way he moves. He’s playing the bad boy so he’s going to be more overt in his movements. More giving off that “hey, come here and fuck me.” Type of deal you, we want a little sweeter. A little less seducer and more “You want to talk with me for a while and maybe I’ll give it up.” Ok?” he said looking into the camera and hitting it a few times the clicking going off before Teddy moved resting his one foot back behind him on the wall and pulling himself up a little straighter before folding his arms in front of himself.

They did that for a good 15 minutes or so before they brought out a bench and he told me to sit down. Arnold did. He took a couple pictures of me staring at nothing and then some of me staring at my knees as he had me move a couple different ways before he brought Teddy back into the shot and he physically moved us in different ways, Teddy’s hand on my shoulder, My hand on his waist. Mostly I just moved how I was told to until…

“Ok, How about you flip Teddy’s jacket open and pull it down his shoulder? Just a little bit,” he told me.

“You mean…?” I did an example.

“Yeah like that. The idea is to tease, it’s a photoshoot. Do that and then slowly take it off,” he said as I did as I was told Arnold directing me and moving my hand or whatever when it seemed to be in the wrong place until Teddy’s Jacket was gone and then him doing the same to me. I did ok even though I could feel myself getting more and more anxious as more and more clothing disappeared until suddenly we were in our underwear and my chest felt tight, felt like I could hardly breathe.

“Relax,” I heard his voice, “Just relax, use your inhaler,” Daddy L told me as he helped me use my inhaler priming it before sticking it in my mouth.

“he really is a sweetheart,” Arnold said, “The camera likes him almost more than it likes Teddy. Here, take a look,” he said Lionel going over to a computer screen in the corner as they looked both of them smiling like clowns someone touching my shoulder and making me jump.

“It’s ok,” Teddy said, “We can pretend they aren’t there, ok? Just like shake it out,” he said shaking his head at me and smiling.

I shook my head trying to shake out my nerves. I knew we’d be naked soon and they’d all be watching. Directing us, telling us to touch each other like they had told Rick to sit in my lap. The idea making me wonder who was going to top. What was going to happen at that point? That we were probably going to…I wasn’t sure I could do that with people watching. That was different. That was really different from what he had done the night before. 

“I know,” Teddy whispered, “It’s ok though, you’re not alone. I promise you’re not alone, ok?”

“Ok boys, we’re going to switch this up. Will, I really like your expressions keep that up. Teddy hug him start kissing him. I’ll tell you if you need to slow down,” Arnold said.

What?! What? No, I wasn’t…no, I wasn’t ok with that. I didn’t want him to…

“Calm, remember he has them,” Teddy whispered in my ear hugging me burying his head against my neck before he laid a light peck on my jaw bone.

Ok, I had to do this. It was ok. It was ok just…God fucking…I didn’t want to do this. I wasn’t ok with this. I needed to…

“HEY!” Teddy said loudly, “Look at me. Look at me Will, we’re ok. We’re ok.”

“I’m sorry, I just…”

“Ok,” Arnold said, “We’re just going to do staging then like we did before. Make it look like that’s what you’re doing but no actual contact we’ll save that for the tape later, ok?”

At that point I don’t know but, I don’t remember. Not really. I remember sitting on Teddy’s lap naked, I remember hands, turning me, pulling at my skin. I remember being in a bed and shaking, shaking so hard and Teddy telling me I was ok. That I did good and no one had gotten hurt. That everything was ok and the hard part was over for that moment, that day.

I remembered making the video, having sex with Teddy just the two of us. Tony and his crew telling us how to move, what to do but, and then. Things changed. Bad things happened. Things I wanted to forget. The next thing I remember was him. Lionel. I remember looking at him, the feeling of him inside me and being in his room on his bed, his drool all over my body as he moaned into me and I laid there limply.

“That’s my special boy, my little one, give me that beautiful boy pussy. You feel so good little one, so amazing,” he said as he pushed in and out of me, “That’s it beautiful. I’ve been wanting to do this all night. Make love to you like this just the two of us. What’s Daddy doing to you? Am I giving you that cock you want so bad?”

“Yes, Daddy,” I said the words coming out without me even thinking about them.

“You like Daddy’s cock in your boy pussy, letting Daddy love that sweet tasty boy pussy like he was meant to?” he asked me.

“Yes Daddy, love my boy pussy, love my…oh god Daddy,” I heard my voice saying it, telling him to do it but, it didn’t feel like me. None of it felt like me until he climbed off me. Until he stopped touching me, stopped licking me, stopped everything. 

I think he took a shower but, I’m not sure I only know he was gone for a while and then he came back. He told me I should clean up. I remember starting the water but not getting in looking through the cabinets. I wasn’t even sure what I was looking for, but I remember a bottle. It looked like it could be …something. I remember emptying it into my mouth and drinking it down with a bottle of cough medicine hoping it would kill me while I was in the shower. That maybe I’d just fall down and wouldn’t be able to get back up but instead after a while, I ended up getting light headed and somehow managed to get back to my room. I remember falling asleep and waking up in a pile of my own vomit.

I kind of hoped I was dying. My body hurt so bad I thought I was. But I wasn’t. I would learn later I was hungover. Badly hungover.

Lionel woke me up for church and was unable to get me to move, so he had Sergei drive me home while everyone else went to church. When my head finally started to clear I found myself panicking because I was in Da’s bed. His room but, I couldn’t move because he’d tied me to his four-poster. I remember fighting with it trying to get out finding no one was there to hear me scream. No one moved, no one came. I think it was around noon that the door finally opened Da coming in smiling until he saw me his face falling.

“You want to tell me what the fuck you were thinking scaring everyone like that after…?” he shook his head, “You’re lucky. You’re so fucking lucky he loves you and that you’re above the rules otherwise you’d be in someone’s fucking basement right now or you’d be getting fucked raw in that the torture house we call a hospital. Do you understand that?”

“I don’…”

“Don’t FUCKING LIE YOU LITTLE COCK SLUT! WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID HE FOUND THE EMPTY PILL BOTTLE AND BOTTLE OF COUGH MEDICINE ON THE FLOOR WHEN YOU WOULDN’T WAKE UP! You know how badly you scared him? Scared everyone?” he hissed at me, “Your little brother was scared to death. Lionel had to take him out of Church several times to calm him down.”

“You…you let him…” I felt like I was choking, “Da.. you…”

“You should have fucking thought about that before you downed a whole thing of fucking cough medicine. I don’t care how much fucking pain you’re in you’re going to school tomorrow. You’re going to be happy to be alive tomorrow and you’re going to keep your mouth shut if you can’t say “I love my dad and I love my boyfriend and everything is perfectly fine” to any brotherhood member who asks. If it’s someone outside of our people you tell them you’re happy with life. You understand?” he hissed at me looking at me like he hated me like he wanted to kill me.

“Yes, Da,” I said nodding my head.

“Good, you try that again you’re going to wish you were dead because I won’t fucking protect you from the consequences and neither will Lionel. So, next to you see him you better do whatever he asks you and do it happily. Do you understand me?” he asked.

“Yes, Da,” I said as he undid the cuffs on my arms.

“Now go upstairs and show your little brothers and sisters you’re fine,” he told me.

I didn’t. I went to my room and showered. After that, I went to sleep. I don’t think I woke up until my alarm went off in the morning. I remember feeling the most exhausted I had ever felt knowing I had to, I had to go to school and see Wallace. That I had to go there and sit through classes and then see Wallace and hear whatever nasty stuff he had to say about my body. My body that no one would leave alone, that it felt like everyone in the world had seen naked at that point.

When I got off the bus Teddy was there, and he smiled at me. I remember nodding my head. It didn’t have anything to do with him but, I felt broken. I think he knew. I think everyone knew. Finn standing next to him each one of them grabbing a hand and leading me back around the building Tedding holding both my hands as Finn let me lay in his lap. As they just let me cry. 

“It’s ok,” Finn said, “Teddy told me. It’s ok. You shouldn’t even be in school. This is fucking bullshit. How are you supposed to act normal when...? This is bullshit.”

“I’m supposed to tell you I love my Da and my boyfriend. Everything is p…” I said everything deteriorating into whimpers and sobs.

I remember Ted and Quinn staying close to me through first hour. Them giving dirty looks to anyone who even tried to talk to me. I felt grateful for it though, I just wanted to be left alone. I didn’t even want to be at school. I wanted to go home and be with my babies. Babies who didn’t understand what shit the whole thing was, everything was. 

When I got to the library he didn’t even let me talk to anyone. He grabbed my wrists and took me to the bathroom. I don’t know what I expected him to do or say but, I knew I didn’t want to hear it. This weird floating feeling coming over me before I felt his hand under my blazer against my back.

“Wait,” I said shaking my head for some reason his hands on me jolting me out of my stupor, “Don’t please…I reall…”

“Shhh, …he said you were so tight it almost hurt. Do you think it’s still true? Can you just let me like you did with him? He said you didn’t complain even a little bit. That you felt really good, just like how I imagine you being,” he said both his hands squeezing my waist, my hips.

“He wouldn’t say that he woul…he doesn’t tell anyone that stuff. I know he wouldn’t…”

“Ah, I’m not talking about the leader baby. I’m talking about my friend. I mean I know he’s only bragging to make me jealous that he got to you first but, he said you felt like heaven until he told him to get out because you apparently projectile vomited. Probably because he’s so…”

I kicked him. I kicked him as hard as I could in the shin before stomping on his foot trying to drop so I could get out from where he had me pinned to the wall instead finding that even though I had hurt him he grabbed my wrists hard, squeezing.

“You want to be a little bitch I can breed you like a little bitch,” he hissed at me putting his knee up against the wall between my legs near my…

So, this was it then, he was…This was it. He was going to rape me. No one ever stopped. No one ever, him muttering something I can’t remember into my ear as he freed one of my hands and I went still. There wasn’t any use in fighting it, it was now or later. So, what did it matter if he did it now? The door opening and him turning.

“What the fuck are you doing?” I heard suddenly as Wallace dropped me as if I were on fire.

“I knew you were a fucking pervert. Get away from him,” 

I heard a voice I recognized say making it, so I could breathe again.

“Martel, will you go the fuck away seriously? What is your issue?” Wallace asked him.

“I came in here to piss. My issue is you being a nasty psycho. Why does it always look like you’re trying to cop a feel on this kid?”

“Are you one of those cops on that new fucking show or something? Why the fuck do you care?” Wallace spat at him.

“Because no kid deserves that. And what fucking cop show?”

“The new one that’s on tonight? That law and order spin-off?” Wallace asked as Martel stared at him cluelessly.

“Dude, leave him alone. Come on kid,” he said offering me his hand.

“Will tell him you’re…”

“I’m fine,” I lied just hoping that none of it would get any worse than it already was even though I was beyond grateful for the kid's help.

“Fine,” he said shaking his head, “You should check your belt and fly. I think that goes as far away from fine as possible. You can’t tell me you want this nasty ass dude feeling you up. How old are you 12?” he asked me.

“He’s…” Wallace said before he stopped himself from answering.

God sometimes Wallace was stupid. He was about to tell Martel how old I was like that would somehow make it better. Wallace was very aware of what Martel was seeing and how he was receiving it and he knew Martel wasn’t wrong. That’s probably why he shut his mouth. Because he had been caught red-handed and it was bad enough if Martel thought I was 12 if he knew I was 11 his head would have probably exploded.

“Keep your hands off him,” he said, “I’m about to go get Father Bennington.”

“He wouldn’t understand it. You should just leave it alone. I mean look, he’s fine Martel. He even told you he was fine,” Wallace said smiling at him.

Smiling at Martel was the wrong thing for him to do apparently because Martel grabbed him roughly by the tie of his uniform turning their bodies and pushing him roughly into the wall farthest away from me, “Yeah he’s fine like the time my sister was fine when her boyfriend tied to cop a feel when she wasn’t in the mood. You keep your fucking hands to yourself or I swear to fucking god next time I catch you a tie in my hand is going to be the least of your problems. I’ll cut your fucking balls off.” Martel hissed before kneeing Wallace between the legs causing Wallace to fall to the ground.

“Come on, kid. You’re coming with me. You can fix yourself on the way,” he said grabbing my elbow probably a little rougher than he meant to.

I felt numb. I think I was in shock honestly. There I was one second, one of my biggest fears about to come true and then the next…the next some boy, no man with brown hair and some of the bluest eyes I had ever seen had rescued me. Rescued me after a weekend in hell that I was pretty sure I was doomed to continue experiencing for the rest of my life. I didn’t know what to say as I followed him, as he realized how hard he was squeezing my elbow.

“Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to make it worse,” he mumbled to me.

“It’s I’m…”

“Don’t say that. I can tell you’re not. It’s ok to not be fine. What he just did isn’t ok. Even if you have a thing going it’s not right. Not with someone your age,” he told me, “Is that something you want or…”

I shook my head looking at the floor. It’s something he wouldn’t understand. It was something I couldn’t do anything about. Sure, he’d kind of scared him off this time but, next time it wouldn’t work. Or if it did that time, there was always the time after that and so on.

Eventually, he’d make me do things again. Him forcing me to touch him in the bathroom was going to be the least of it and I knew that. If there was anything I’d learned from my cutting and whining and everything else, it was that my body didn’t belong to me. It belonged to them, so they could do whatever they wanted to it.

“Well, you can home sit with Taylor for a little while. Taylor said he has some homework from Fr. Libertine. I don’t know if that’s a class you have or not, home and living studies but, yeah. Just sit here for a while, I’ll be back in a few,” he said as we walked over to where Taylor was sitting on the ground up against a book self in full view of the main aisle.

“Hey, McGregor, right?” he asked me.

I nodded my head. I wasn’t sure what to say, how to be normal anymore. All of my friends were brotherhood and my family was brotherhood. I didn’t know what to talk about really outside of that other than horse riding. 

“You can sit down next to me I don’t bite,” Taylor said, “Neither does Jason but it seems like you already learned that otherwise, you wouldn’t have followed him over here. You look a little frazzled. You want to talk about what happened?”

I shook my head. No, I didn’t want to talk about what happened at all. I wanted to forget it but, I couldn’t do that either. It wasn’t the first time and it was far from the last and I knew it. It wasn’t a topic I felt like visiting with someone I knew was as the Brotherhood called it a “civilian” who I was sure wouldn’t understand it even if he did know about it.

“Why do you think something happened?” I asked him sitting down next to him.

“Because everyone knows Wallace is creepy and Jason walked you over here without him,” Taylor told me, “He’s not the only creepy guy around here.”

If only he knew I thought before sighing heavily.

“You aren’t really that much of a talker, are you?” he asked me.

“I don’t have a lot say,” I answered.

“You usually don’t I’ve noticed,” he said causing me to look at him frowning.

“What? We have two classes together,” he informed me, “I’m not like purposefully watching you or anything weird just like…you know. You’re around and I’m around and…” he trailed off.

“Ok,” I said not sure what else to say about the topic as Martel returned with Father Bellington.

“Mr. McGregor, would you like to come and talk with me for a moment?” Fr. Bellington asked me.

“Well, nice talking to you,” I told Taylor who waved at me.

I stood up and walked away with Fr. Bellington to one of the private conference rooms where Wallace was already sitting. Him pulling a chair away from the table for me causing me to tense as I turned to look at Fr. Bellington.

“Well, go on, sit,” he said, “We need to talk about private and public since at least one of you doesn’t seem to know the difference and what type of behavior we use where. Public, is the school building. I don’t care if you’re in a bathroom alone if you are on school grounds I want you to think of the walls as transparent. Anyone can see you anywhere.

When we’re in the school building we keep our hands in public areas. For you two that means keeping your hands off each other because one of us is…well, let’s just say it’s more than strongly frowned upon the age difference between you two. I know that both your families come from colorful backgrounds so I’m not going to question your relationship nor the traditions your families have but, please just keep your hands to yourselves so that you quit disturbing your classmates. This is the second time Martel and third time someone has approached me about you two being in the restroom alone together or perhaps one of you looking uncomfortable with how close the other is to his physical being.

I want you to stay two arm lengths away from each other at all times. When I say all times, I mean all times. I don’t care if there isn’t anyone else in the room if he’s somehow invited the contact, which at this point the repeated complaints I’m getting I’d say would be slim to none. I don’t want you two touching. Understand?” Fr. Bennington said.

“Yes, Father,” I mumbled.

That wouldn’t be a problem for me. I had no issue with never coming into physical contact with Wallace again because every time he touched me he was telling me I needed to do something or making me do something, or doing something to me that I wasn’t ok with. Making me touch him or kiss him or he was kissing me and none of those were things I felt ok with.

I looked at Wallace and he just smiled a smug look on his face before he sighed leaning forward while he put his elbows on the table and laced the fingers of both his hands together in front of him looking very amused as he looked at Father Bellington.  
“If that’s how you want it, Father,” he said smiling, “But, I wouldn’t be so quick to judge considering.”

“Considering what?” Father Bellington asked.

“Miss Peacher two years ago,” he said Fr. Bellington’s face paling.

“What do you think you know about that?” Fr. Bellington asked.

“I know some church officials way above Fr. Watson who would be very interested to hear about it. You leave our relationship alone I’ll keep your past relationships and all of my knowledge of it to myself,” Wallace said his smile growing, “And any and all babies or abortions that might have resulted from those relationships.”

“Ah, I see,” he said, “You need to be more careful than so I quit getting complaints because eventually, those complaints will get back to someone that isn’t me. And then that’s your problem.”

With that Fr. Bellington stood up. He turned around without looking at me and started leaving. Just like…like I wasn’t…just one more person telling me I didn’t matter. That I might as well not exist.

“It would be, yes,” Wallace said to Bellington’s retreating back.

My whole body felt hot. So, Father Bellington wasn’t going to do anything. He wasn’t even going to try to stop him. So, he was going to either shut the door to the conference room or take me back to the bathroom and…

“What’s wrong, baby?” he asked me getting up and shutting the conference room door as Father Bellington left.

I could myself shaking. Trying to calm myself down and just tell myself it was just one more guy. What was one more? After all the guys who had raped me, what was one more? After all, it wasn’t rape. Not really, it was teaching “real love”.

“So…a…are you going to do it now?” I asked him staring blankly at the table top.

“It?” he said sounding like a question before he apparently caught on, “OH! You thought we were going to…oh, no baby. No, no, you misunderstood that.

You’re way too important to me for that. You deserve much better than getting banged in a school bathroom for our first time together. Our first time together should be special. I was just going to give you a hand job, maybe a hummer too. I wasn’t going to take it all the way. You’re much too special for that.”

Oh. I wasn’t sure if that made it better or worse. That was something I still didn’t want. It still burned a little bit to…use the bathroom because of the previous weekend. A blow job was the last thing I wanted next to…yeah.

“I didn’t realize I’d scared you. I’m sorry,” he told me, “The last thing I want to do is scare you, baby, I promise.”

I nodded my head my throat feeling too tight to speak. I was pretty sure he was lying. That one of the things he really wanted to do was scare me. Scare me just enough to get me to do whatever it was he wanted.

“I’m not like Chad. I don’t like scaring people,” he told me, “I don’t like pushing into boys from behind when they can’t see me. I want it to be special, I want to see your face and see how good it feels for you too, ok baby?”

Chad, Chad as in…I knew of Chad. Chad was mean. So, he’d…and I hadn’t known it? That was the friend he had been talking about earlier. Chad was a name I knew. A name that I’d heard before. Chad who liked John, Chad who had been mean to us, who had…with John too.

“It’s ok baby, it’s nothing to be upset about. The only thing upsetting about it is he hurt you. He wasn’t supposed to hurt you. Our first time won’t be like that ok? I swear,” Wallace said missing the point.

Not only had he raped me, but he’d also raped my brother. He’d…I felt sick to my stomach thinking about it. Picturing his face, the way he had winked at me when I was sitting with John and Pat. The way he seemed amused as I got gone stiff. The way no one else had noticed, I was sure of it. So, he had wanted me just like he had wanted John and they had just let him…

“Baby, why are you shaking? It’s ok, I’m not going to…” he reached his hand out to grab mine.

“Don’t touch me!” I said backing up from the table and nearly knocking over my chair.

“You need to cal…”

“He raped me!” I said Wallace’s eyes flashing in annoyance.

“You better be careful with that word. What he did wasn’t rape. He was helping teach you. Just like I’m going to help teach you. Whether you want to accept it or not it’s a lesson and we don’t always like learning things but, it has to happen. So you need to watch your fucking mouth before I tell the leader all about the words you throw around,” he said his voice stern, serious.

He couldn’t tell him that. That I had said that. I’d be in so much trouble. That was a word you didn’t use. We all knew that. If he had heard I used it, that meant I still thought I was abused and that meant…being whipped again or worse. Something a lot worse.  
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly as I froze in place, “I’m sorry I didn’t…”

“Kiss?” he asked me, “Give me a kiss and we’ll forget all about it, ok?”

I felt my face getting hot. I was an idiot. I had walked into that one. Of course, he’d want something from me, it was actually surprising he wasn’t asking for more. Because now he knew he could probably get away with it and no one would ever say anything about it.

I nodded my head as he stood up hugging me, wrapping his arms around my waist and burying his head in my neck for a minute before resting his chin on the top of my head, “You always smell so good, baby. I can’t wait to have all afternoon just you and me in bed together,” he told me before tipping my chin up, lifting me up slightly so I could meet his height his tongue sliding into my mouth briefly and rolling across my tongue and teeth before pulling away, allowing me off my tip-toes.

It felt dirty. Stupid. Beyond stupid because I had opened my fucking mouth without thinking. He’d had permission. You couldn’t rape someone if you had permission. It was an idiotic thing to say and now I could taste left over cool ranch Doritos in my mouth that I hadn’t eaten the realization making me want to throw up.

“Let’s go study, ok? He said squeezing my hand for a minute before letting go as he opened the door.

I numbly followed him back to the stacks and sat down on the floor. He grabbed my hand and held it before I could pull away enough to keep him from touching me. At that point, I was mostly just glad he wasn’t doing something worse. Things could have been a lot worse.

When the bell rang I practically ran for the door out into the 8th year hallway that would take us around to the cafeteria. Todd and Finn catching up to me shortly after I walked through the door Finn reading the look on face and then opening his arms letting me hug him.

“It’s ok. You’re ok. He didn’t hurt you did he?” he muttered to me someone yelling faggots at us as they walked by causing Todd to flip them off for us.

I shook my head. No, he hadn’t but just barely. I felt like…like dying. Stupid. Everything felt stupid. I didn’t even want to deal with Lunch. Honestly, I wanted Teddy. It feels stupid admitting that but, honestly, he had made me forget everything for a good 30 minutes or so on Saturday. We had agreed that it wasn’t anything but messing around and…I didn’t think it would be safe to do it with anyone else.

Honestly, I probably would have tried to do something with Finn if it hadn’t been for the fact I was sure he or me or someone else would end up dead because of it. Teddy had felt good though, nice and he wouldn’t kill is own grandson no matter what he said. I remember deciding to just sit instead of going through the line watching the candy machines because there were days where Teddy didn’t eat real food at lunch but just packs of starburst, lifesavers and skittles and sure enough he walked in and right to the vending machines.

I decided I was going to ask. Or find a way to ask but, I was trying to remember not to scare him away and be weird about it as I walked up to him.

“Hey,” he said, “Can I talk to you…”

“Alone? Yeah,” I said.

He smiled and followed me into the bathroom making sure the door was shut behind us, “Do you remember anything that happened Saturday?” he asked me quietly.

“Early or later?” I asked him.

“When the cameras were going,” he asked me quietly my stomach feeling sick as he said, killing any type of…desire I had to mess around with anyone suddenly.

I shook my head.

“Will I think…”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I told him shaking my head, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You do remember then,” he said, “Well, I wanted to tell you that Luke is…”

“HE’S NOT OK! HOW COULD HE EVER MANAGE TO BE OK WHEN I…” I wanted to punch something just thinking about it.

“Can I finish? Luke is fine, and he wanted me to tell you he had fun. You have to understand he doesn’t see it the same way we do. That for him he’s been raised with every adult around him feeding him that bullshit. Don’t take it as like huh, he likes that. Take it as he thinks you are cool and he likes spending time with you.”

“I don’t want to…I don’t,” I wasn’t sure what to say.

Yeah, I left out details. Lots of them. Like how after Teddy and I were in the middle of it and I had almost forgotten the camera’s Lionel had come in with Jay and Luke. How he had told me I was going to do what I was told or Jay would be joining too as they turned the cameras back on.

We had done things. Teddy and Lionel had to do a lot more prompting than Lionel had liked and I had been yelled at a lot but, eventually he had gotten me to just lay back and let everything happen. Bad things happen. He said it was important for Luke to learn, Jay to learn. That they liked it better sometimes when the younger boy…took charge and…the memory making me shiver. 

Making me wonder how I could ever want to be touched again when just minutes before I was hoping to roll around, to pin Teddy to the side of a bathroom stall and slide my tongue into his mouth? To feel him, touch him. To feel something else other than Wallace’s knee in my crotch when I closed my eyes when that’s all I deserved to feel. I didn’t deserve to be happy or feel comfortable. I was just a whore. A fucking slut who touched little boys who…

“Hey,” Teddy said reading the expression on my face, “Will it’s…”

I shook my head. It wasn’t ok. It was disgusting, I was disgusting the only type of person that would ever want to do that with me would be someone like Wallace who wanted to do it to hurt me. To remind me of what I was. That I was just…

“He makes me do it too, ok?” he said looking at me his eyes wide, “You saw it. I was there too he made…ok? You’re not alone and Luke doesn’t know any better. You didn’t hurt him ok? He doesn’t understand it’s wrong.”

“Like those other kids don’t understand it’s wrong,” I said.

“Right,” Teddy said, “It’s all he knows. He doesn’t even really talk to kids that aren’t brotherhood it’s a…at our house it’s almost like a class thing. You don’t talk to outsiders. You don’t have friends that are civilians. That’s just how it goes. He doesn’t un…”

“I don’t care, Ted,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t…”

“It’s fucked up. I know it’s fucked up and I’m sorry. Ok? I am. I’m really really…” he said putting his hands over his face “Goddamnit! I’m sorry ok? I’m sorry.”

He thought it was his fault. He thought it was his fault just like I thought it was mine and Cole thought it was his and…I hugged him. It wasn’t even about not feeling them it was just about needing him. Needing to comfort someone as fucked up as I was. As stupid as I was as…who was me wearing another face.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered into my shoulder, “I’m so sorry.”

“Me too,” I told him, “It’s not your fault and it’s not mine.”

“You’re right, it’s not yours,” he said.

“And it’s not yours,” I said, “just because you’re a little bit older than I am doesn’t mean anything.”

“So, what do we do then?” He asked me.

“I don’t know, usually you and Cole are the people who have that answer,” I told him.

“Ok, well, I can tell you we don’t down a bottle of melatonin and chase it with a bottle of cough medicine on Saturday night ok? I know you felt sick of yourself and of everything else but, please don’t do that again. You know what happens when bottoms do something like that? We end up…”

“My Da told me,” I told him, “He said I was lucky. Lucky that I’m…that I’m his.”

“He doesn’t like that. Half the calls he gets is because one of us tried to hang ourselves or swallow a bottle of pills or something else. His favorite punishment is a dark room, a holding room. Basically, just a basement room in some handlers house that’s more like a jail cell and you aren’t allowed to talk to anyone or see anyone unless it’s one of them and they’re…”

“That’s what he said,” I confirmed with Teddy as I let Teddy go and slid down the wall to sit.

“I’m not sure I was done,” he said plopping down on the floor next to me and taking my arm pulling it over his shoulder.

“Really?” I asked him smiling.

“You know you like me,” he said, “I might be a spaz but, you like me. You liked me a lot before the cameras.”

“I’m not the only one who liked someone,” I said nodding my head, “But, yeah. Are we allowed to…?

“No,” he said, “He said that one night and whenever he says we can so no. I don’t prefer to test him on it.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, “I mean it doesn’t mean we’re…”

“It was just what we said it was ok? Nothing more. And you still have a crush on Cole,” he pointed out to me.

“Cole doesn’t want anything to do with me, and I don’t blame him,” I answered.

“I’m not so sure about that,” Ted muttered laying his head on my chest as he stretched out beside me.

“What does that mean?” I asked him.

“Just that he likes you. He’s just scared. Just like he was scared with me. I mean I don’t think he had a crush on me but, he likes you,” Ted said.

“Why though?” I asked him.

“Because you’re cute and funny and smart. You’re super smart Will and mature. Half the time I don’t even think about how you’re like a year and a half younger than I am. I mean I know I’m immat...”

“You’re not that immature Ted, just fucked up,” I said for some reason Ted giggling into my arm.

“You think that’s funny?” I asked.

“Yeah, you don’t know me very well if you don’t think I’m immature,” he told me.

“Well, honestly we’re more fucked up than mature or immature. The first time I…I remember anything like that I was four. That’s pretty screwed up,” I told him.

“I was probably around the same age,” he admitted, “I just wish that there was something I could have done to save him.”

“To save all of them,” I agreed nodding my head, “I don’t know if he’s done anything yet to Andy or Mac or Shay but, John told me he wouldn’t be surprised.”

“How old are they?” Ted asked me.

“Andy and Lar are going to be 3 soon and Mac just turned 2. In three weeks Mary and Shay are going to be 1,” I told him.

“Yeah I’d be scared too,” Ted said nodding his head, “I mean I don’t know that much about your Dad but, I’ve told you what Papa was like.”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Are you doing ok lately? Just you’ve been kind of…”

“Less spaz and more girl?” he asked me laughing a little bit.

“I wouldn’t say girl just like…less laughing stuff off,” I said.

Ted sighed rolling over so he could look at me instead of the wall in front of him, “There’s a lot going on that I have to listen to and I’m just tired. I’m tired of having to pretend I’m ok sticking it in my six-year-old brother. I’m tired of pretending I want to fuck a 50 something-year-old guy every time he comes into town or that I like my own family members sticking their tongues in my ass. It’s not…” he sighed again, “I’m tired.”

“Me too,” I said.

“Is that why you swallowed so much melatonin and cough medicine because you were hoping for a nap?” he asked me laughing as I punched him lightly in the arm.

I had to admit he was being funny. Because, yeah I was hoping for a nap….

“Yeah, one I’d never wake up from,” I told him.

“We can’t do that to them. I mean I know I want to sometimes too but if we’re not here who knows what he’d make them do and with who? Isn’t it our job to protect them the best we can?” he asked me.

I hadn’t thought about it like that. That me doing those things to those kids was probably protecting them from someone worse. Someone a lot worse than me. Probably someone like Wallace. Someone nasty that wanted to hurt them. Was it really better though? Better that it was me and not someone else?

“How do you deal with it?” I asked him.

“You mean with Luke?” he asked me, “I huh, I tell myself it’s not him. That it’s better because I’m not going to hurt that kid. That there are plenty of them that would. That would make sure they hurt them just because they can. When I was 8 before I ever got my marking there was this guy. This guy that Papa still see’s when he goes to New York, that he still makes me see. His name is Lenard Manfred. He was the first person who I wasn’t related to that…he bit me. On my ballsac, because I started crying because he shoved his fingers in so hard it hurt. 

He’s not even brotherhood really, just a pervert. I would rather know that my little brother was with me, that he had me doing things to him than someone who is going to make him cry and then make him cry more because that asshole hurt him. At least if it’s me I’m never going to hurt him more than I absolutely have to. If me saying “Yeah Papa, I’ll stick my dick in him and do whatever you want” is going to stop him from giving him to someone like that, I’d do it a million times.” 

I nodded my head. I understood what he meant. If I could make sure Lionel never touched James I would. That wasn’t what would happen though. I knew that wasn’t what would happen. The question for me was, would I do it to keep Lionel from giving him to other people? To Wallace, to Julian? To other people who would hurt him? Other people that Lionel would give him to because he was mad at me?

If I had no choice, yeah. I’d do it. Of course, I would. I’d hate myself for it forever but, I would do it. It made me disgusting, but I would do it.

“It’s not an easy choice but, taking care of them. Being the only normal person in my family has never been easy. My life will never be easy. Martin saw to that when he left us and he sees to that every year when I beg him, literally beg him that if he’s not going to keep me there to at least keep Luke and he never does,” Ted told me.

“Martin?” I asked him.

“Papa’s son. My Dad,” he said shaking his head, “For four weeks we go to California every summer and mom says he can keep one of us if he just gives a genetic sample otherwise she’ll say this that and the other thing about him. It’s always the same back and forth every year and then Papa calls. Then we go home. And then to Italy or France, or Spain, or some other country to see his stupid fucking friends.”

“That has to suck,” I told him.

“What sucks is every year they make Luke go over the whole thing. Everything they made him do and he gets his hopes up that maybe, maybe this will be the year he doesn’t have to go back. Because while he sees it as normal he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like it because it hurts.”

“I know it hurts,” I told him, “It still hurts me sometimes and I’m…I can’t imagine how bad it hurts them.”

“What’s worse is it always gets his hopes up that maybe because they’re asking him questions that Martin will make them stop somehow or we’ll be able to go live with him and then he always fucking chickens out. Breaks his heart every fucking time.”

“I can’t believe he would do that. Especially to a little kid,” I said shaking my head, “At least he’s not like them though. Everyone we know is like them.”

“I would almost prefer it. At least that way he wouldn’t hope for something different. For his tummy to stop hurting because Papa never stops “playing pony” with him and practicing “real love”. For his pee pee to no longer burn when he pees because papa keeps sucking on him for too long and going too hard because he’s getting him ready for when he can make boy juice. He’s fucking disgusting and I hate him. I hate all of them,” Ted admitted.

“I wish I could get them out. I honestly don’t have any hope that it will ever happen though,” I said.

“No, we’ll be their little fuck toys until we die,” Ted said just as the door opened Finn coming in frowning at us.

“Hey, you two ok?” he asked us.

“Yeah, I think,” Ted said, “Rough weekend.”

“I see that,” he said smiling at us and winking as I realized Ted’s head was in my lap.

“I don’t…” I shrugged my shoulders feeling my face get warm.

“So, are you two like a thing too?” he asked.

“No,” Teddy said shaking his head, “Can’t.”

“Right,” Finn said, “So are you both feeling a little better? You were both out of sorts this morning like, wow. Both cool now?”

“I feel better,” Teddy said and I nodded my head in agreement.

“There’s a rumor going around that my brother is a perv,” Finn said, “Can I get in on this or…?”

“The lap laying? If Will’s ok with it,” Ted said.

“You want your head in my crotch too?” I asked my face feeling warm.

“Face it, everyone want’s their head in your crotch. Not to…”

“No, I got you,” I said, “Sure, if I have to choose another face to be there it’d be yours.”

“Wow, did you just call Finn cute? I’m honestly shocked,” Ted said.

“Ugh,” Finn said.

“Shut up. I have toddlers in my lap all day at home. Probably the same difference,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“What do you think the civilians think of us?” Finn askes suddenly.

“That we’re fucked up,” Ted said.

“I think we’re all depressed,” Finn said, “You two especially. Like what ha…”

“Don’t ask,” Ted said.

“Just neither one of you are acting like you. Usually, you’re a bit shyer and …a little bit more emotional and Ted you’re a little bit happier and just generally a little happier. You can tell me what’s wrong,” Finn said.

“You wouldn’t understand,” Ted said before I could say anything sitting up.

“What do you mean I wouldn’t understand?” Finn asked.

“You don’t have someone to protect and you aren’t…you just wouldn’t get it ok, Finn? Trust me, you wouldn’t get it. Not ever. No one will unless…”

“Hey,” Finn said, “Come here. Come on, com…” he sighed as Teddy laid his head on Finn’s shoulder across my lap, “It’s ok. You’re ok. Do you want me to go get Todd?” 

Ted shook his head. He really wasn’t doing that well. I understood why. I felt like some of it might have even been my fault. The cough medicine. The hang over all because I couldn’t…I couldn’t deal with it. How I had made myself sick because I couldn’t deal with it and now…

“I’m sorry,” I told him rubbing the back of his head, “I’m sorry Ted.”

“I wish you guys would tell me what happened. Sometimes talking about it helps,” Finn said, “I hate to think that something so bad happened you feel like you can’t talk about it.”

“It’s something you…you’d have to…you’d have to be his I think,” I managed.

“Oh,” Finn said nodding his head slowly in understanding, “Well, know that I’m here and I care ok? You two are like two of my best friends. Nothing you could ever tell me would make me hate you, ok?”

Teddy sat up looking at him, “You can’t say that.”

“I’m pretty confident that I can,” Finn said as Teddy shook his head.

“No, you don’t know. You can’t say that for sure. No one could ever…”

“Ted, you’re forgetting who my brother is. I hear things ok? I know things that I…I don’t want to upset you guys worse than you both already are. But you can talk to me. Trust me, you can talk to me,” Finn told us.

What? What did he mean he heard things? Because of Wallace? Because Lionel liked Wallace and…no, no.

I sat up. Finn and Teddy both sensing what my problem was calling my name as I got up and shut myself in the bathroom stall. So he knew. Was that why he…It was bad enough that he just liked me in general but if he liked me because of that…because….

“Will, come on!” Finn said to me through the door, “Don’t do this. Don’t shut us out.”

“You can shut him out all you like. Don’t shut me out,” Teddy said sounding more like himself.

“Dork,” Finn said, “I’m trying to be nice.”

“I caught your distractor by the way. I just didn’t say anything to it hoping I wouldn’t draw attention to it because that’s a big part of his problems right now,” Ted told Finn.

“I realized after I said it, that it was stupid,” Finn agreed with him, “Come out here.”

“Did he do something to you today?” Teddy asked me, probably the third or fourth time someone had asked.

“I don’t wan…I don’t want to talk about it,” I insisted, “I’ll come out in a second. I have to pee.”

“Ok cool,” Finn said as they both backed away from the stall door.

I appreciated that. I liked them but, I was pretty sure Finn didn’t want to hear about how his brother attempted to stick his hand down my pants and then when someone complained he had blackmailed our teacher for that hour so he would keep his mouth shut and let him continue doing what he wanted. There was no way I was ever going to get rid of him. I could already see him ruining what little life I had in five million different ways.

They had left the bathroom and as soon as I finished washing my hands the bell rang. It was time for gym class. Time to deal with whatever Julian and Mr. Brian wanted to deal out. I wasn’t even sure I would be excused from participation because I had been excused all week before.

I changed Mr. Brian stopping me as I was getting ready to leave the locker room, “Wait in the office.”

Wait in the…? Great. Should I just take my clothes off while I was at it? Fucking great. I wasn’t sure whether to be angry or to just…I sat down at the table and noticed something I wasn’t expecting a box cutter. It was weird to see that in the gym teachers private office but I remember picking it up. Turning it over in my hand and wondering why it was there. Why it…

“Ok, I’m here because…” he said loudly as he opened the door making me jump, “Sorry kid. Ok, well anyway I wanted to talk to you because the leader doesn’t want you active in gym class really so he wants us to come to another solution for that. So I’m going to run some ideas by you.”

What? Any ideas Lionel had were not ideas I would like. I knew that. I wasn’t stupid. I was afraid to ask but…before I could stop myself.

“Were you at the party this weekend?” I barely managed.

“As a guest you mean? Yes, I had a chance to participate,” he told me smiling as he sat down on the desktop in front of me.

Ok, so he’d…

“Only recruit there that was allowed to. He figured maybe because I work with you all over the place he should reward me for behaving myself. Honestly, it was worth it. One of those kids has a cunt like butter. Probably the one that won. I want to offer you a couple of options.”

I sat there. I wasn’t sure I had a real say so. Him smiling at me putting his foot on the right arm of the chair I was sitting in. So Lionel was pimping me out even more.

“I was thinking that you could come over to my house Friday afternoons. I’ve seen those videos you make and honestly I would be more then pleased to hear you moan and squeal like that for me or…we can shower in the private locker rooms here before Gym together. Or…”

At that point, I tuned out. It was something little but it felt like it was something big. I was supposed to have sex with him. Real sex. I didn’t want to have sex with him. Not…

“Can I do something else?” I asked him.

“Come here baby,” he said making my insides freeze.

I wasn’t his baby. I wasn’t a baby I wasn’t…no. No. No.

“Leave me alone!” I said shaking my head.

“Oh, you’re going to fight me on this?” he asked sitting down spreading his legs so that he was sitting more on the arms of the chair than it in making sure I was trapped under him.

“NO! NO! STOP!” I screamed at him trying to get my arms unpinned.

“You want to scream like a bitch you know what will happen. I’ll breed you like a bitch and then let any tracker in there that wants a piece of your ass have it. You need to fucking stop before you draw attention to yourself,” he hissed at me.

“I don’t want to do it,” I told him, “I don’t wan…”

“Fine, then you participate. I don’t care if you haven’t shit in two weeks you’re participating and I don’t care what he says either. And by the way, I can’t believe you don’t want this,” he said flashing me.

It was impressive but, I really wasn’t interested in anyone touching me unless it was Ted or in my wildest dreams Cole. I felt my face feeling hot as I looked at it. At the nest of dark hair surrounding his member and…god if he wasn’t a rapist. If I hadn’t of been 11. If I…something about it all didn’t seem right suddenly. Why Lionel would just let him. After constantly telling me I couldn’t and that…

“This is bullshit,” I said shaking my head.

“What?” he asked me.

“He didn’t say you could, he wouldn’t. He won’t even let me touch Ted. That isn’t..” I said shaking my head.

“Why do you think that?” he asked frowning at me.

“Because he won’t even let Ted touch me, he won’t let anyone touch me. I’ll tell him. Get off me. I’ll tell him and you’ll never…” I coughed as he roughly grabbed me by the throat.

“You tell him anything the first chance I get I’m going to bend you over this desk and fuck you with my fist,” he hissed squeezing my neck, “You keep your fucking mouth shut. I don’t know what I was thinking. Of course, a little slut like you would prefer 60-year-old cock to something like this,” he sneered putting it away, “Go to fucking class.”

With that he let me go leaving me to rub my neck as I walked back out into the gym class where everyone else was already playing volleyball Quinn shouting at me that they had space on their team.

“You ok?” he asked me and I nodded my head.

Honestly, I felt impressed with myself. Impressed that I hadn’t fallen for it. That I hadn’t just given in and given him what he wanted. He knew enough about the party that, that part had probably been true but, it just simply didn’t make any sense to me. Why he would lie, why he would try to get me in trouble.

“What was that about?” Todd asked me as I ball came flying at his face which he somehow managed to catch without looking at it, “Fuck off fart face!” 

Now that was surprising too usually he was deathly afraid of Julian who was, of course, the person that had hit the ball at him Quinn grinning like an idiot as Todd hit it back over the net at him. Apparently, Quinn was helping him with something because he did seem less afraid and more annoyed than anything.

“I don’t know. He was just...” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

“Are you serious?!” Quinn asked me, “Are you ok? I mean seriously are you ok? He didn’t do…”

I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head.

“Nothing?” Quinn said raising an eyebrow at me.

“Quinn’s right that is surprising,” Some random guy said, “He didn’t show you his dick or anything? Apparently, he did that to some 9th grader. They’re trying to get him fired.”

“Go suck a dick, Steve. Private conversation,” Quinn said.

“About Mr. Brian’s privates apparently,” Steve said, “No, seriously though. Heard a bunch of older guys talking about how he’s a skeeze and that’s why he doesn’t help at St. Bernies.”

“It could be because he’s a skeeze that’s not interested in girls,” Quinn said.

“Eww,” Steve said frowning heavily, “Wait, he is a seminarian isn’t he?”

“Yes,” Todd said.

“That actually explains a lot,” Steve said, “You’re quiet.”

“Me?” Quinn asked.

“No, blondie,” he said looking at me.

“So? Why do you care?” Quinn said.

“I don’t know. Isn’t he the type of guy that becomes a seminarian?” Steve asked.

“If you’re using that as code for gay that’s really stupid, to begin with, and secondly, why do you care?” Quinn asked him again.

“I don’t know. It was just a rumor I heard,” Steve said.

“No, not about that. About him,” Quinn said looking at me.

“Oh,” Steve said, “I don’t. Just he’s quiet and skinny and seems like…I don’t know.”

“Are you calling him gay?” Finn asked him.

“I…wasn’t going to say that, no. I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with gay though. Just so you know,” Steve said looking at me.

“Next, you’re going to tell us you’re afraid he’s going to become a school shooter like those two kids in Colorado,” Todd said shaking his head.

“No,” Steve said, “Is he like your friend because dude, you aren’t a very good friend if you are. Calling him a school shooter and saying I was insinuating he’s gay I mean…dude, do you like your friends?”

“He is gay,” Julian said from across the net.

“What? Really? WAIT! I know who you are. All the 7th graders complain about you. Man, never mind if I were you I’d keep my mouth shut too.” 

I had no idea who this guy was, but he was obviously a civilian and apparently, he found me interesting for some reason. At least that day. Was there anyone in the world who didn’t find me interesting for whatever reason?

“Just leave him alone,” Quinn said shaking his head.

‘I have no problem with gay like I said. I’ve actually heard some people like that. Like having gay friends because it’s …sometimes you get drunk and bored and things happen. I mean you guys are kind of young for that still but…”

“You’re an 8th grader, right?” Quinn asked him.

“Yeah,” Steve answered.

“So, you’re what 13?” Quinn asked.

“Almost 14,” he said, “I was born in December.”

“Ok. He’s 11. Leave him alone,” Quinn said.

“I know he’s 11,” Steve told him.

“Then why are you talking to him about getting drunk? He’s 11. He’s a kid, no offense Will. He doesn’t generally like people that much,” Quinn said, “Leave him alone.”

“I think he can talk if he really wants me to leave him alone,” Steve said.

“He’s not bothering me,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“You sure?” Todd asked me.

I nodded my head, “Look out,” I said as another ball came flying our way.

For some reason at that point, Steve stopped talking thank god. He was annoying the shit out of me Todd and Quinn had that right. I wasn’t even sure why he was trying to talk to me other than he had wanted to hear me speak and once he had it seemed to satisfy him enough he was done with it. If that’s how Civilians were here, or “normal people” I wasn’t sure how badly I wanted to associate with them. It seemed kind of rude to stand there and talk about me in front of me without really saying anything directed at me just to see if he could get me to speak. 

By the time I made it home I was simply exhausted. I was worried about a million things. I skipped talking to anyone and went to my room throwing my bag on the floor and kicking off my shoes and thumping down on my bed.

I didn’t want to do it anymore. None of it. Lionel was just going to rape James and pass me off to Wallace who was going to rape me and keep raping me until he got bored and then after him, if Leo was still interested it was going to be him. That was if Lionel didn’t throw any more parties where people were allowed to suck my dick until I could barely feel it. If that happened I would probably be dead before anyone else could have a chance.

Maybe that was what he wanted. Me dead and out of the way so he could have all my brothers. The pick of them. Looking back, I don’t know what that had to do with killing me considering Da would have handed Lionel any kid he wanted but, at the time that’s what I thought. He was trying to get me to kill myself and that maybe I was letting him win.

The worst part was I didn’t care. I wasn't sure why I didn't care but, I didn't. I remember starting to wonder where everyone was, almost like my brain was forgetting they didn’t get out of school yet and the kids were just getting up from naps. That Debbie was probably making dinner, maybe even downstairs, a shadow passing over the threshold of the door as I sat up to get out of my uniform someone stopping making me go tense.

“You ok in here?” I heard Pat ask, “The lights off. You look tired.”

“I am,” I said, “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore Pat.”

He came in shutting the door, “What do you mean?” he asked me, “Can I sit?”

I nodded my head, “There was a party. His birthday Party and …bad things…I don’t want to…”

“Hey, if you need to talk I’d rather you talk to me than keep it bottled up inside. Cole’s talked to me a little bit. About some stuff. He usually does after a party. He told me some stuff I didn’t know about and told me he was sorry that it was you now. So, if there’s something you tell me that I didn’t know it won’t surprise me and I won’t ever tell anyone.”

“He made me have sex with Luke,” I barely managed to whisper, “And Teddy.”

“Ah,” Pat said sitting down on the foot of my bed, “Luke is six or seven, right?”

I nodded my head. He had. He hadn’t let me penetrate him, he said he was saving that, whatever that meant but, he had made me give him oral and…69. Had me make out with him and do other things as Tony filmed it. It had been more like a 3 some with them. 

“Come here kid,” Pat said patting his lap as I shook my head, “Why not?”

“I’m disgusting,” I answered, “He made Jay watch and …I…”

“Come on. I don’t care how disgusting you think you are. He’s worse for making you do those things. Trust me. Cole told me all about Teddy and how old he was. How he was the same age that Luke is right now. That it’s why he tried to hang himself that first time. Come here. John’s sick so come here,” he said pulling on my arm pulling me into his lap, “There you go. That’s it just try to chill.”

“I can’t do it anymore,” I said, “And then …all of…I can’t. I can’t…I drank cough medicine.”

“What?” he asked me.

“There were pills and then cough…” I started crying.

“Oh no, no, no,” he said running his hand through my hair, “You can’t do that kid. You’re lucky they didn’t lock you in a hole. You’re not doing this alone though unless you want to, ok? I’m right here. And Joh…”

“He’s not here. They won’t let him be,” I said, “he’d just get mad and sadder. He wouldn’t be able to stop him. No one can stop him and I…Jay is next. He’s already doing it to Jay. Teddy said that he’d make me do stuff with them together and then stuff with Teddy and then stuff with James and then he’d…”

“Shhh…,” he said kissing my forehead, “Don’t worry about that right now, ok? You’re surviving and you’re doing what you can. If that means doing what he tells you, so no one gets hurt worse, that’s what you do ok? That’s not your fault and you can’t blame yourself for that. Blame the person who is responsible for it, blame your Da.”

“But, I…I..he…and I,” was all I managed before I started sobbing.

I wanted to say that it was my body. That I wasn’t even allowed to cut it because he said it belonged to him. That I couldn’t act like I wasn’t ok because I was his. That it didn’t matter in the end what I did because I was his and he made sure I knew it. That there was something about me that made him want me out of everyone he could have. That I hated that thing inside of me and I wanted whatever it was to go away because I sure that it was made Wallace want me too.

“I know, kid. Just let it out, ok?” he said as he let me cry in his lap. As he let me sob.

“I don’t want to be me anymore,” I managed to whimper.

“I know,” he told me, “Just let it go, it’s ok. It’s ok to be mad and upset about it. It’s ok.”

I don’t know when they got home but eventually, there was a knock on the door before I heard James’ little voice.

“Debbie said to check on you,” James told me, “She said you and John are tired today like you were yesterday. That and she wants to know if you’re staying for dinner Pat.”

“I don’t know, can you come here for a second, bud?” Pat said looking at him.

“Ok,” he said coming into the room and climbing on the bed with us.

“Ok, Now Will’s feeling really bad about some stuff that happened this weekend do you…oh Bud, it’s ok.”

“I don’t want him… it was bad and I didn’t wan…he ….” He said before he let out this high pitched little whimper.

“Ok,” Pat said pulling him into his arms as I did the same thing, “Ok bud. It’s ok. You didn’t do anything wrong. You did exactly what you were told which when the leader tells you to do something, doing it is the only right thing you can do, ok? John and I are so very proud of both of you. No matter what happened you did the right thing. You did what you needed to.”

It felt weird but, the more he said it the more I believed it. That what I had done was ok because I was making sure no one else got hurt. Because I was protecting James and anyone else the best I could. If that meant doing things like that then maybe, maybe doing those things weren’t so bad. I just wish that Mike and James weren’t suffering along with me.

“Do you blame Will for what happened?” Pat asked him once he had finally calmed down a little bit.

“No,” James answered shaking his head, “Willy was doing what he was told. He was being good like Daddy L wanted. It feels bad to be good for him though.”

“I feel the same way Bud,” I agreed, “You’re not mad at me for hurting your friend?”

“Luke and I talked and he …he says it feels funny but that it doesn’t usually hurt like it used to and that Teddy never hurts him anymore anyway. That it’s ok when Teddy does it even though he doesn’t like to do it. He said you tickled. That he wasn’t mad but he could tell you were and that he thought you were sad too but that it’s ok. That he was glad you didn’t hurt,” James told me, “He was worried though.”

“Luke?” I asked him and he nodded his head.

“When you threw up at breakfast. He was really worried that something bad happened. He didn’t want you to feel bad. Daddy L told us that you took some stuff and it gave you a headache and made you really sick but that you would be ok. Luke asked why and he said it was because you felt bad for playing without him but that it was ok because he told you to. I think it was because you felt sad because you were afraid you hurt Luke and you didn’t want to hurt him,” James told me.

“That sounds about right,” I agreed, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that…”

“You didn’t do it, Willy, not really,” James said, “Pat said that, didn’t you?”

“Yes, both of you were just doing what you were told to keep yourselves and each other safe and sometimes that’s the exactly what you need to do, ok?” he told us and we both nodded our heads, “John isn’t feeling well either and I know Mike’s not. But, I’m going to go and I’ll see you tomorrow at school, ok? I’ll see you later too bud. Maybe you two should spend some time together and talk?”

“Pat?” James said as Pat untangled himself.

“Yeah Bud?” he asked looking back at us.

“I wish you were my brother too,” James said Pat stopping and looking at him with his hand on the door sighing his voice wavering as he spoke.

“Me too bud. I’ll see you tomorrow, ok?”

“Ok,” James said.

I remember just wanting to sleep at that point but, I was hungry enough to get up. I ate some of the beef stew that Debbie had made and then…then I waited. I wasn’t sure what I was waiting for until Debbie told me that Alice would be there in the morning and that everyone was down. Her asking how my day at school was before she left. 

I was waiting for the lift. The sound of it coming to life before I went to bed because I was sure of it. Just because I had been gone and John was apparently not doing well and I, I was less important than John. Sure enough, my bedroom door opening shortly after 10. I thought it was going to be Da but instead it was Alice, Alice shaking my shoulder lightly to wake me up.

“Will, sugar, Dr. Palmer is here to check on you,” she said before she went and shut the door leaving him in the room with me.

“Hey, sorry for waking you up, I just wanted to check on you while I was still here. You apparently came home and just passed out. I wanted to make sure nothing was medically wrong,” he told me.

“I’m tired. And I’m sore. I didn’t even know you were here,” I told him.

“John is…he’s hurt,” he told me.

I suddenly felt wide awake. What did he mean John was hurt? It was Monday, was he home? How bad was he hurt? I went to get up.

“It’s ok, he’ll be ok. I gave him something a little bit ago that put him to sleep. It’s more than a couple of scratches but, he just needs some rest just like Mike. Has your Dad been in to see you?”

He usually comes in around this time if he’s going to,” I told him, “He hasn’t been here so, I don’t know what it means.”

“Ok,” he said, “Are you having any other issues maybe? I know you were at the party this weekend. Are you having any problems?” 

“Burns to pee,” I told him.

“Oh,” he told me, “Well, I’ll be back tomorrow morning and we’ll try to take care of that. I don’t have my kit here for that. So, we’ll take care of it in the morning. Have you stay home for a little bit. Try and get some sleep, ok?”

“Ok,” with that he left shutting the door behind him.

I did sleep for a while. I don’t know how but the next time I woke up it was him shutting my bedroom as I sat up and yawned. He looked tired but, like he was happy to see me, to be there so he could help me. 

“Hey, did you sleep well?” he asked me.

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly.

“So, last night you said you’re having some issues?” he asked me, “Can you tell me what’s going on again, remind me?”

“It burns when I pee,” I answered feeling my face get warm.

“Ok, we’re going to test it out. Could be someone introduced bacteria into your urethra and it’s traveled to your bladder. That means you have a Urinary tract infection. So, I’m going to have you pee in…” he trailed off reaching into his bag and pulling out a clear plastic cup, “this and then we’ll test it. I have a home testing kit. If you have one we’ll give you some antibiotics and it will help. Have you noticed the urge to pee happening more frequently?’ he asked me.

“Kind of,” I answered, “I think.”

“Ok,” he said, “Go use the cup I’ll get out the stick.”

I sighed getting up and using the bathroom. When I came back out he was wearing gloves and holding a test strip which he dropped into the cup of my urine. While we waited he listened to my breathing and stuff. It felt kind of weird. I mean he was my doctor but it still was…

“How are things with Flynn?” I asked him.

“Flynn’s gone,” he told me.

“Gone where?” I asked him.

“I don’t know. It’s better that way though,” he told me, “You have any questions about what might be going on with you? With your body?”

“How did someone give me bacteria in my…?” I trailed off.

“Oral sex. If they didn’t brush their teeth and they had something in their mouth that may be found its way in there. They could have made you penetrate someone and that would have done it. They could have edged you and it’s possible that could have done it. Those things with not drinking enough water are very possible. There are several different reasons why it could have happened,” he told me as he looked at the strip in the cup, “Yep, that’s what it is. I’ll tell them to keep their hands to themselves for a while.”

“Good luck with that,” I said.

I felt gross suddenly. Thinking about how if I told them. If anyone told them to keep their hands to themselves it wouldn’t matter. How Brian had tried to trick me into agreeing to…how Wallace had almost put his hand down my pants. How Lionel had made me do that party where everyone did those things to me and then after, the day after I had…with Ted and Luke and then he…they would never keep their hands to themselves. Not ever. Not long enough for it to stop hurting.

“Do you need to talk about some stuff?” he asked me.

“They don’t…he doesn’t leave me alone anymore,” I said, “He had that party and then…he told me and Ted to spend the night together and it was…”

“It felt different, like your friend we talked about?” he asked me and I nodded my head.

“But then…the…the cameras and Luke and…Pat said I was just doing what I was told so no one else got hurt but it still. I’m not ok with it. I’m gr…”

“Pat’s right. You did what you had to in order to make sure everyone got out of that situation. And about you and Ted and whatever you did, you’re a little young still but, that’s what normal boys do. Spend the night with friends and sometimes things happen. It’s called being young and exploring yourselves and it’s a lot better when you don’t have some old man directing you on what to do. Usually, that doesn’t happen until you’re 14 or 15 but, I wouldn’t say your life is normal. So, it’s ok,” he told me.

“Cole does it,” I told him his eyes going wide before he outright laughed.

“Cole does do that, yes,” he said, “Do I need to have the safe sex talk with you? Because while they say they use condoms very often contracts don’t. Condoms cut down the spread of STI’s and…”

“I know what they’re used for,” I answered.

“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “So this thing with you and Ted is going to…?”

I felt my face turn bright red. Did I want to maybe keep rubbing Ted’s dick as he rubbed mine in private when I went over there instead of fucking Lionel? Yeah. That would have been nice. It hit me suddenly and I felt weird asking but…

“Is it normal to just use your hand?” I asked.

“Yes,” Dr. Palmer said, “Perfectly normal. Any other questions?”

“No strings is normal?” I asked him.

“In the brotherhood, it’s beyond normal. They don’t want emotional involvement but they want you to practice so just think of it as friends with benefits if you’re going to do that. But, I am going to strongly stress that while you are cont…”

“I know, Ted told me it was just that one time. He said it could only be that one time,” I told him.

“Sounds like Daddy L,” Dr. Palmer sighed under his breath, “Ok, I’ve heard from the grapevine because of what I do that Ernest and his brood have a foot up in being your next contract, is that true?” he asked me.

“What do you mean what you do? You’re a doctor,” I said frowning at him.

“ I majored in general medicine and minored in genetics. I talk to Gus. Anyway, is that true?” he asked me again.

“Why?” I asked.

“Well, Wallace is your mentor, right? That’s how you got into that mess? Got his attention,” he asked me.

I didn’t want to talk about Wallace. He was the last one I wanted to talk about. How he always told me I was beautiful. That I was…he was almost as bad as Lionel only he didn’t have the ability to pimp me out. Just make sure everyone knew I was his.  
“Well,” he said after waiting for me to speak, “Wallace is not a good person. I’m sure you figured that one out already. He’s going to tell you he’s allowed to do things to you but until Lionel lets you know don’t believe that. Don’t believe anyone. I’ve already heard that several guys want to have some…”

“Mr. Brian already tried. He told me Lionel said he could and I didn’t have to do the work in gym. He asked me how I wanted to…,” I told him.

“You didn’t fall for it?” he asked me.

I shook my head. The last thing I wanted was one more person in my space. I would be stupid to believe him. Believe that Lionel would let him touch me when he wouldn’t even let Teddy.

“Ok, I’m going to let you in on something. There are a lot of people who because Lionel is getting older they are vying for his spot in the brotherhood. He’s an important guy. They’ll do anything to upset him and one of those things would be targeting you. If they can get him upset with you it throws off his whole routine and distracts him. So, unless you hear Lionel himself say it, don’t believe it, ok?” he told.

I nodded my head. That was actually a good rule to stick to. I don’t think I realized until that moment how important Lionel really was. I mean I knew he was important and we called him “the leader” but, I didn’t realize just how important. Like I’d heard him talk business but, other than the fact that he dealt with people out of different countries I hadn’t put much thought into it.

“Am I going to school?” I asked him.

“If you want,” he said, “It’s up to you.”

“I think I want to,” I told him.

“Ok, I’ll tell your Dad you’re ready once I go and check on Mike,” he told me getting up and starting to pack up his bag.

“You already checked on John?” I asked him.

“Yeah, some stuff happened this weekend,” Dr. Palmer told me, “He’s injured. Not too horribly but, he does have a black eye and broken nose. He’s a little bent out of shape, a few bruised ribs but, nothing is broken. He’ll be ok though. I’m suggesting that your Dad keeps him home.”

“Everyone always looks at me at school,” I muttered.

“I know,” Dr. Palmer nodded his head, “I’m sorry about that. It’s a raw deal.”

I nodded my head in agreement, “So he’s hurt?”

“He’ll be ok but, he’s going to be sore for a little while. Let Alice know if you need me because I’ll be around,” he told me smiling, “Take it easy and be nice to yourself, ok?”

With that, he shut the door behind him and I started getting dressed just thankful that it was Tuesday. If it was Tuesday that meant no Wallace. That I could just focus on school work the best I could. That meant that all I had to deal with was Danny if he wanted to be an asshole which lately he had been leaving me alone. I did go to school that day but, I can’t say I remember what happened. I wish I could but, other than my anxiety it was a great day.

I remember for some reason Ted being on his sugar kick like he usually was but Finn deciding to join in and giving him a 10 dollar bill and us going wild. I remember lunch being chicken soft taco’s French fries, green beans and a world of colorful candy, nerds, gobstoppers, polo’s, airheads, warheads, an amazing display of confectionary greed that the five of us shared with abandon.

When I got home I remember helping Mike catch up on homework from his bedroom as he asked me how my day went and I told him about our lunchtime endeavors. He gave me looks of envy and said that he wished he had been there because he’d been dying for a pack of polo’s too and I just told him I’d bring some home to him before James knocked on the door.

“Hey, bud, what’s going on?” I asked him.

“Dinner is ready. Can I ask you something Willy?” he asked looking at me.

“Sure, what is it?” I asked him.

“It’s about…his friend,” he whispered the last part.

“Wait…ok, come on,” I said picking him up and carrying him to my room, “What about his friend? Daddy L’s friend?” I asked him.

“Yeah, his friend,” he told me.

“Ok, you can ask me anything you want. Can you tell me which friend?” I asked him.

“The fat, hairy one with the camera that kept yelling at you,” he told me.

Ah, Tony. Yeah, I’d probably call him “the fat hairy one” too if I were six. I felt relief flood me when I realized it just had to do with Tony and the odds of Tony touching him were slim to none. 

“Tony? What about him?” I asked him.

“He…Pat and Jack said that you shouldn’t do that or tell anyone about that because they don’t want you to but, he kept telling you to do it with Luke and Ted and Ted and you really liked it like your pee-pee’s liked it and I..I don’t know,” he told me.

“Ok,” I said feeling slightly embarrassed, “Daddy L told us we had to. Are you confused because we’re both kids?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he told me.

“Well, sometimes you have friends that are special. Not as special as Pat is to John but, still special enough that you want to be alone with them sometimes and Daddy L wants Ted to be that type of friend for me. He told us it was ok, so we played like that but, only because he told us we could. Sort of like how Uncle Ben plays with Mike and Matt like that sometimes but only because Da says it’s ok,” I tried to explain.

“Because Da’s the boss at home. And when we’re with Daddy L he’s the boss?” he asked me.

“That’s right! That’s exactly what I’m saying. So, do you think you understand what happened?” I asked him.

“Kind of,” he said, “But what’s a cunt?”

Oh shit. I wasn’t expecting that question. That was a word Tony had used and told us to use. A word that he probably hadn’t heard before my face feeling like it was on fire as I thought about how I wanted to word my answer.

“Well, you know when Uncle Ben and Da do those things, they call it a boy pussy? It’s another word for pussy only a more grown-up word,” I told him.

“So, it’s the same thing as a boy pussy?” he asked me.

“Kind of,” I said, “Ok remember we talked about how boys and girls have different parts?”

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head, “Boys have penis’s and stuff and butts and girls have bavigna’s and butts.”

“Vagina’s and butt’s, yes. Pussy is another word for vagina,” I told him.

“So, they think we have boy vagina’s?” he asked me.

“Well, a penis in most cases goes into a vagina unless the other person doesn’t have a vagina then it goes into their…”

“Butt, so our butt is our boy vagina?” he asked me and I nodded my head.

“So, a cunt is a boy vagina?” he asked me.

“Or a girl one, yes,” I answered nodding my head.

“So, when you told Teddy to put his dick in your cunt you were telling him to…to practice real love with you?” he asked me.

I nodded my head. It felt weird thinking about it that way. Thinking about the fact that he had watched Teddy and I have sex. That he had been behind the camera watching it all happen as I had engaged in a threesome with the two brothers.

“Why is that all Daddy L wants? To practice real love and nurse?” he asked me.

“I don’t know, Bud. I wish I could tell you but, I don’t have an answer,” I told him.

“It doesn’t feel good though, it hurts,” he told me.

“To them it doesn’t,” I told him, “We’ve talked about that, remember? How it’s different for them.”

“I don’t like it though,” he insisted.

“I know. I don’t either and bud, if I could make him stop. If I could do anything to make him leave you alone, I would. I swear I would. If I could just…”

“It’s ok Willy,” he told me hugging me, “I know you would. I know you love me and that you know it hurts. That you’re not like them. I know you didn’t want to do that with Luke.”

I hugged him. Just held onto him for a while. I felt like it was killing him. Lionel was killing him. The fact that Da had sold him off to be raped by a man whenever he wanted him at six years old was killing him. Sometimes it was hard to remember that, remember that Da had sold him to the same man he had sold me to and I couldn’t handle it at 10 and he was only six. 

“I’m so sorry bud,” I said, “I really am.”

“I know you are Willy,” he told me again, “I didn’t mean to make you sad.”

“It’s not you that makes me sad,” I told him, “It’s this. Da, all of it. It’s that John can’t be here with us and mum is gone. That’s what makes me sad.”

“You know what makes me sad Willy?” he asked me.

“What bud?” I asked playing with his hair.

“That there’s no one to help you and he’s so mean to you,” he told me surprising me, “That you don’t have a special friend like Pat to talk to so you can feel better because sometimes I think if you had a special friend you wouldn’t feel so bad about everything all the time. I know you’re sad. Don’t tell me you’re not sad. I know you’re sad because when you’re super sad you stay in your room and that’s all you do lately. I miss you.”

“It just makes me tired is all, bud. That’s it. It’s not anything else,” I told him.

“It’s because he’s mean. Because he lets his friends play with you and they’re mean too,” he told me.

“His…,” I couldn’t even finish saying it. Finish thinking about it.

His friends. Amir, Jai, Peter, Wallace, whoever else he wanted. How I’d gone from only ever having been with Da and Uncle Ben to being with…to being a whore. To having people pull me out of class so they could ask me if I would have sex with them. To people cornering me in bathrooms and shoving their dick’s in my hand and their tongues in my mouth.

I was tired of feeling so worthless. I was tired of the fact that a tracker had the right to touch me, to kiss me, to molest me as long as it was above my clothes. That it was a body I was stuck in but, I didn’t have a say over what happened to it, who touched it. That I got made fun of for being his boy. His whore, being a part of his Harem.

“Pat said we had to talk about it,” James reminded me.

“He didn’t mean that,” I said shaking my head.

“Yeah, he did. Because you’re Daddy L’s boy and I’m his boy too and his friends that he makes you play with he’s probably going to ma…”

“No, that won’t happen,” I said shaking my head knowing it was a lie even as I said it.

“He made you touch my pee-pee,” James said, “he was going to hurt me if you didn’t. He's going to let his friends do it too and we all know it. Don’t lie.”

“Look, James, I’m sorry about everything. If I could have…”

“What do I do?” James asked me suddenly surprising me, “What do I do to make sure he doesn’t hurt me bad?”

He was asking me what he could do. What him, a little six-year-old boy could do to keep Lionel from passing him out to his friends. To whoever he wanted to and I didn’t have an answer. As far as I knew there wasn’t one.

“Will, what do I do?” he asked me again.

“Whatever he tells you to,” I said repeating something I had told him before.

“You do what he tells you and he still makes you play with his friends,” he pointed out.

“I don’t think it has anything to do with me, I think that’s what he wants,” I told him.

“So, there’s…it doesn’t matter how good I am?” he asked me.

“I don’t know,” I told him, “Maybe with you, he’ll be different. You never know.”

“I know,” he told me, “I’m not like you. I’m not good like you.”

“Did he say that?” I asked him.

“He was playing with me and it hurt. I told him it hurt, and he said that you would never cry. Not about that,” he told me looking at his feet, “How do I be good like you?”

“I do everything he tells me to. Everything. The two times I didn’t do it right away he said he was going to hurt someone. So, I just do what he tells me to and I hope that everything turns out ok. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t,” I told him, “And I’m not good. I’m not…”

“You are though,” he told me, “You are good.”

I didn’t want to scare him. I didn’t want to tell him that I had done bad things and my punishment had been, getting whipped, getting gang banged while being filmed, having to allow a baby to perform sexual acts on me. I didn’t want to tell him those things had happened because I didn’t know if they were going to happen to him. I hoped they wouldn’t and if he did what he was told, maybe he’d get lucky and they would never happen. Not the way they had happened to me.

I didn’t want any of those things for James. If there had been a way to stop it from happening to him without going to extreme measures I would have. I would have done anything to make sure it didn’t happen but, there was only really one way to make sure they didn’t happen. Run away again and this time somehow manage to stay gone.

The idea scared me but only because I knew the truth of how successful we would be at it. The only way for us to get away and truly stay hidden would be for us to split up, for us to quit being a family. Maybe if we were lucky James and I would somehow end up in the same house together but, what about everyone else? Would I be willing to say goodbye to any of my siblings besides maybe Matt so that they could be safe? So that I could be safe? I wasn’t sure I had the strength to do that.

“Can I stay with you tonight?” he asked me quietly.

“I don’t think so, bud,” I said, “Just because it’s a school night and I’m tired and don’t feel good and you need to sleep too. There’s just a lot going on right now, ok?” I told him.

“Ok,” he told me seeming sad about it.

I understood why he wanted to be close to me but, it felt too dangerous. Through some miracle, Da had left me alone the night before. I doubted I would lucky enough to convince him to leave me alone again if he came to my room that night and I would rather James wasn’t in the middle of it. That if he was going to hurt someone it was just me.

“I know, bud,” I told him, “I’m sorry but, it’s safer that way, ok?”

“I miss you,” he told me hugging me tighter.

That killed me. I missed him. I missed having to worry about his bad dreams and whether he got breakfast in the morning before I headed out instead of having to worry about what Lionel was going to expose him to that weekend or what Da was going to do to him after he went to his room for the night. I missed being able to tell him that things were ok and mean it. I missed not being afraid to have him in bed with me for the night or the biggest thing I had to worry about was him wetting the bed because he woke up when he had a nightmare.

Instead, I was worried about when Lionel would see him next time. When he would make me touch him again, have sex with him. When he would introduce James to his friends. When he would start filming him like he was filming me. I wished things could be simpler and instead we were where we were.

That evening I remember helping people with their homework and having fish sticks for dinner, something simple. Everyone started to wind down after a while and Alice got everyone ready for bed before coming to check on me and say good night. I knew something was wrong. That because he hadn’t come upstairs the night before he probably would that night. The house going quiet after a while.

It had to be around 10 or 11 when the lift kicked on and he came into my room. He didn’t even have clothes on. I could tell when he slipped his arm around me and slipped into bed next to me, feeling his nakedness against my back as I held my breath.

“Did I wake you up honey?” he muttered into my shoulder kissing it.

“I’m sore Da,” I muttered wishing I could push him away and roll over, go back to sleep but too afraid to. 

“Where?” he asked me.

“You know,” I told him, “My…”

“Too much real love?” he asked me and I nodded my head, “And Mike too. That’s the last time I let so many people borrow my favorite boys all at once. I’m going to go see what Matt’s up to.”

“He has school Da,” I told him.

“I just want to nurse,” he said, “That’s all. I’ll go easy on him.”

“Daddy please don’t? I burn, it hurts to pee and he…we have school, please just don’t, just tonight?” I asked him.

He sighed heavily, “Ok, all right. I’ll give it a break for right now.”

I nodded my head. I wasn’t sure what to say about it. I knew I would owe him later. That he would use it against me but, I almost didn’t care. I was just that tired. I didn’t want to deal with him that night and then Wallace the next day.

“I love you. Get some sleep.” He said before kissing my cheek.

“Thank you, Da. I love you too,” I said as he nodded his head grabbing a robe that he had apparently slipped from his shoulders before climbing into bed with me and putting it back on and leaving shutting the door behind him.


	76. Chapter 76

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will ponders his relationship with not just Teddy but Finn also before mentor hour which doesn't go anywhere near well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1964 to 2008, a very long chapter. I know I'm late this week but I had the stomach flu twice and it's near Christmas so, between that and work, it was a lovely week for me. Lots of warnings obviously. There's a lot going on in this chapter but it's also a very big chapter so just heed the warnings. **Warnings, mental health issues, relationships, puberty, talk about puberty, talk about sexual abuse, molestation, forced heavy petting, forced ejaculation, forced humping, anxiety,** I hope everyone has a good holiday hopefully you'll hear from me again before 2019 starts but, we'll see. **John's POV Part 2 Chapter 30**

With that, I somehow managed to fall asleep probably because he wasn’t there. Because he wasn’t touching me or anyone else. When I woke up I almost felt refreshed. The knot in my stomach a small one as I anticipated Wallace and what he would do to me.  
He made me feel humiliated every time I had to see him. Every time I had to meet him in that library. It sucked. That was the first day I seriously considered faking sick to avoid him. To avoid being in that library with him. To avoid his hand holding and anything else he wanted to do to me.

I don’t know why it took me so long to think about it, probably because I liked school and my friends but, sometimes that meant dealing with him and the last thing I wanted to deal with was him that day especially after Da the night before. Sure, he hadn’t made me have sex with him but, it still felt like a lot to deal with. Just another reminder that my body wasn’t really mine at all and that I would have to pay him back eventually. I didn’t want to deal with Wallace too, Wallace forcing me to hold his hand. To sit there with him and just…be near him. The whole thing made me feel gross.

When I got to school Quinn waited for me as he stepped off the bus, “You seem to be doing a little better,” he told me smiling.

“I feel kind of like I am,” I admitted, “I’m not sure why though.”

“Well, Finn talked to me,” Quinn told me, “He said he found you and Ted cuddling. I mean that’s the last thing I thought you would ever…”

“We’re not together. I needed someone, and he was there. Finn joined, did he tell you that?” I corrected him.

“He did. Finn has a weird outlook on relationships though. Like I’m not sure I know how to explain it right. He thinks monogamy and relationships like that are complete bullshit. I think it’s a family thing for them though. You’ll have to ask him about it,” Quinn said.

“A family thing?” I asked.

“His dad and Uncle are both scientists. One of which is a geneticist and anthropologist so…” he trailed off smiling, “Hey guys how goes it?”

“ugh,” Todd said quietly causing Quinn to frown deeply.

“What’s wrong?” Quinn asked as Teddy gave us a tight-lipped smile.

Todd shook his head staring at his feet.

“Aww Hun,” I heard Quinn mutter quietly before he hugged him wrapping his arms around his shoulders, “It’s ok. It’s ok…”

They walked off together around the building Quinn’s arm around Todd’s shoulder holding him close to his side. It would have looked cuter if Todd hadn’t almost been in tears. Apparently, it was a bad night. We all had bad nights. It was a part of being a bottom. Everyone had a bad night sometimes, or a bad weekend or week, sometimes month.

“It wasn’t a good night,” Teddy said watching them walk off.

“What about for you?” I asked him.

“For me personally? Physically I’m fine otherwise, not so much,” he admitted.

“I’m sorry. You want to go and just…”

“No, I’m ok. They need a couple minutes,” Teddy said, “Trust me.”

“He told you about it?” Finn asked him.

“Todd tells me everything,” Ted said smiling sadly, “You know that. We’ve all been friends since what, we were nine?”

“Us since we were nine yeah, you and Todd since you guys were five or six, right?”

“Right,” Ted said.

“Can I ask you something?” I said looking at Finn.

“Sure, shoot,” Finn said.

“Quinn said you talked to him about yesterday, about how we were all in the bathroom kind of ... hanging out. He said you mentioned Ted and I and I explained that one to him and he said I should ask you about your outlook on relationships for some reason. I mean none of this is relevant considering I’m…”

“You’re dating my grandpa because he’s forcing you to?” Ted piped up sounding very Ted-like.

“Well, yeah,” I said feeling my face heat up, “But it still made me curious.”

“Well, Uncle Gus is a geneticist and anthropologist. He says that evidence suggests that humans are not naturally monogamous but polygamous. Meaning that having more than one romantic partner or multiple sexual partners is more natural and our default instinct than being in a relationship with one man and one woman or any combination of one on one,” Finn said sounding very academic.

“Polygamous? I know about those guys and they really aren’t…”   
“No, that’s different. That’s like Mormon shit. I’m talking just like a group of people that live together, love each other and you know…sometimes they…”

“Have sex?” Ted finished.

“Yeah. I mean not like orgies all the time, but they trade off and stuff. Uncle Gus and my Aunt Helena when she was alive had a girlfriend together. She was Cuban I think and the nanny but, yeah,” he said.

“That sounds really…,” Teddy trailed off shaking his head before he froze a looking of ponderance on his face.

I mean I guess it made sense a little bit. It was a survival thing. You needed emotional support and from more than one person, so it was like being friends only with sex thrown in. Instead of looking to one friend to fulfill all your sexual needs and then all your other friends for everything else you just all gave a little bit of sexual and emotional support to each other instead.

That way everyone had whatever comfort they needed from whoever was there when they needed it. If that involved some sexual touching, so what? Wasn’t that something that already happened between brotherhood kids, bottoms? If you needed to fuck you fucked to get the feeling of the handlers off your skin and if you needed a hug and cuddle and to be told it was ok when everything felt like shit you did that too. It made sense.

“Isn’t life already like that minus the sex?” Teddy asked looking at him.

“Yeah, I mean I’ve always thought so,” Finn said shrugging his shoulders, “I don’t know. I always pictured when I was old enough like in 2 years or, so I’d have a boyfriend and a girlfriend. As much of one as I’m allowed to have, and we would just…you know until college when we go our own ways. After that, I’d sign my nondis and just go off and become some hippy that lived in the woods with a group of people and I would or wouldn’t have sex with whoever I wanted to. No kids for them to steal or kidnap or whatever other nasty ass things they do to us, to the throwaways and I’d be off-grid anyway, so they’d never find me. Either that or kill myself and donate my funds to charity.”

“You’ve really thought about it, haven’t you?” Ted asked, and Finn nodded his head.

“You’d have to be crazy to want anything to do with my family once you had the chance to get away. I mean they’re all rapist, mad scientist, and racist. I don’t want to bring a kid into the world knowing those crazy ass people could try and get their mitts into them. A while ago you guys heard what Wallace said about Todd before that party. That was disgusting and uncalled for,” Finn said.

“Huh, honey? We might have heard it but, we don’t speak German and when you two are fighting you don’t provide translations,” Teddy said.

“Oh, right. Ok well, he said that Todd’s hair is too dark for a lot of handlers to actually want to be with him. That they might think he’s Hispanic or mixed. I don’t think that matters and he must be kidding, because I know most of the throwaways are Latino or Arab and they still get fucked into the ground. So, like not sure why it mattered but, still he made it sound like it was something Todd should be upset about.”

“Todd is Spanish,” Teddy said, “His grandma. I mean he doesn’t speak much Spanish but, whatever doesn’t matter anyway. So, you’re saying Wallace called him ugly because he has black hair?”

“Well,” Finn said looking around to see who was listening before continuing, “Yeah. I told him that was disgusting, and it was a stupid thing to say because Todd’s paler than we are. He said that because his eyes weren’t a bright blue and are more like gray and he has black hair though that it didn’t matter. My family is just nasty.”

“Don’t take this wrong but Wallace is not a looker. Like I know you two look like brothers but you’re way hotter,” Ted said, “I think it’s mostly a personality thing and maybe the nose, but…you’re just a lot better looking than he is, so I have no idea why he thinks he’s hot shit.”

“No, it was…We were all worried about how many handlers were going to…you know. So, Will, Todd and I were talking about it quietly and Wallace commented that his hair was so dark most of them probably wouldn’t want to touch him. That Todd had nothing to worry about. And like I said I told him that was a stupid thing to say and that there was something wrong with him.”

“All because he has black hair? I have black hair. I’m half Greek on one side and Italian on the other,” Teddy said.

“We know,” Finn said, “And you’re hot. Apparently hot enough he’s too smart to say anything racist about your looks or he’s scared of the leader, no offense.”

“None, taken. That usually makes most people keep their mouths shut,” Teddy agreed.

“This is going to sound weird but, you look Greek,” Finn said.

“I know, so do my brothers. Strong chins, dark hair, olive skin tone. You can tell we’re white just…kind of Arab too,” Teddy said.

“I personally don’t have any problem with it. Greece used to be the cusps of civilization. That used to be the only real civilization in Europe that there was beside feudalism. So…yeah. That and you’re hot Ted.”

“I’m hot?” Teddy asked his face going beet red.

“Mhm,” Finn said smiling at him, “Anyone who can’t see that is stupid.”

“Huh, thanks,” Teddy said quietly, “I don’t know Will’s pretty hot.”

“Don’t,” I said shaking my head.

All I could hear was them. Their voices, Wallace calling me sexy. Calling me baby. I didn’t want to get into that conversation with my friends. It was stupid. The whole thing was stupid.

“Ok,” Finn said nodding his head at me as the bell rang, “I’ll see you next hour. You two going to be ok?”

“Yeah,” Ted said hooking his arm around my elbow, “Come on. Let’s get to class.”

“That was weird,” I said after we walked in silence for a few minutes.

“Tell me about it. I don’t think I’ve ever had someone call me hot before that I wasn’t standing naked in front of,” Teddy said nodding his head.

“Me neither,” I said quietly.

“Are you ok?” he asked me.

“I…,” I wasn’t sure.

I wasn’t sure because the first person to ever call me hot had been my Uncle and he hadn’t really called me hot but, sexy. And then he had…

“Oh, ok breathe. Come on, come on…,” he said leading me into a bathroom, “Just breathe, just breathe we didn’t mean it in a bad way.”

“No, I know. I know I just…” I could feel myself shaking. I hated it. I hated feeling like that’s all I was worth. That may be even Teddy was just hanging out with me because I was “hot” because I…

“It’s ok, Will. It’s ok to be upset. I know what they say. I get it, I do. And I’m sorry I upset you, ok?” Teddy said looking like he was about to cry with me, “Can I hug you?”

I nodded my head. I hated that I was crying about it. About something as stupid as a fucking word. As someone referring to me as…complimenting me. I shouldn’t have let a fucking word upset me so much Teddy wrapping his arms around me and holding me close.

He smelled like Irish spring. That weekend he had smelled like dial and Listerine but, now he smelled like Irish spring and dirt but, I remember it smelling really good for some reason my brain and body instantly starting to calm down as he held me and let me relax into his arms.

“You smell good,” I whispered into his ear tempted to kiss the side of his neck.

“You smell nice too,” Teddy told me, “We can’t though. Not right now, ok?”

I nodded my head. I knew we couldn’t. That we shouldn’t, and HE would be angry if we did. I didn’t doubt that. That didn’t stop me from wanting to though. Wanting to kiss him, to feel him. The five-minute bell ringing signaling that we needed to get to class.

That day we mostly read and then for the second hour moved onto Math. It was a good time. There were some jokes and quiet talking amongst the three of us even though we were careful to avoid topics we shouldn’t talk about. I think we talked mostly about our little brothers and how they were doing.

I almost got my hopes up that Wallace wouldn’t try anything that day. I don’t know what it was that made me feel hopeful other than it was a good day my hope dying like a candle being blown out as he approached me right as I entered the library doors.  
“I have to do some research for a project about what was happening exactly 80 years ago in this area of the US on Nov 2nd. It’s a history project. I need four sources so we’re going to be hanging out in the Microform room,” he told me reaching to grab my hand as I pulled it away, “I wouldn’t piss me off if I were you. Böse Jungs werden verprügelt, bad boys get spankings.”

I let him grab my hand and lead me to one of the smaller rooms off the main library floor. Most of them were conference rooms one had the reference card system in it and there were a couple others, one of which was the AV storage room. This was the early 2000’s/ late 90’s when some classes still used VCR’s and the tvs on carts that went to whatever room needed it instead of each room being equipped with a TV on the wall. So, there was a room full of overhead projectors and all that type of stuff and the Microform room.

Microform or Microfilm is an old way to catalog and keep editions of things like old newspapers and photographs that can be read only using a special machine. The room we entered had like two or three of them and then filing cabinets full of Microfilm. I wasn’t sure what I expected but I felt uneasy until I heard the door shut and the lock click in place behind me, then I was past terrified.

“Wallace,” I said shaking my head backing away from him, “Wallace…you’re no…”

“Shhh…nothing under the clothes, I know. But, I’ve been thinking about it. We’ve had fun above our clothes before. You remember the bathroom at the premiere of your movie? That was a lot of fun. I could even give you a little rub while we do it this time. If it’s above your underwear it’s over your clothes, so no rules are broken. I’ll feel a lot better than he did, I promise,” he told me.

Shit. No, I wasn’t doing that. I wasn’t going to…I shook my head. I didn’t want to do that again. Him rubbing against me like that, making me call him daddy. I didn’t want to do that.

“No fighting. You fight, you won’t like it. We do it this way I’ll do something for you too,” he said coming towards me as I kept backing up.

I hadn’t even been paying attention to what was in the room in front of me before I had turned around when I heard the lock click. I hadn’t had time, so I was backing up into a blind spot which caused me to run into the chair behind me and trip over it landing on the floor next to it.

I had barely managed to catch myself before smacking my head on the carpet of the floor ending up on my ass my legs spread at a funny angle as I looked at him still shaking my head.

“You want it just as much as I do, don’t you baby?” he asked me as I tried to crab crawl away from him afraid of what would happen if I told him no again. What he would tell Lionel if Lionel asked him whether I had been behaving or not at school.

I didn’t want it. I didn’t want anything from him but for him to leave me alone. He lunged at me, so he was on the ground on top of me making me panic. Making it impossible to think, to breathe. He was going to rape me. I knew he was going to rape me. My brain screaming at me to make him stop. To do anything to make him stop, to scream, to scratch him, to bite, anything, anything and me finding my body couldn’t do anything but shake. My whole lower torso feeling tighter and tighter by the second as I looked at him.

“It’s ok,” he said his hand going to my belt, just relax. Nothing under your clothes,” he told me.

“T…,” I coughed and wheezed wondering if he was going to notice if he even cared that I couldn’t breathe, that I was struggling for air as his hands undid the button on my pants and I shook my head my body finally starting to unfreeze as his hand went to my fly.

“Nothing under my clothes,” I said shaking my head.

“Right, that’s what he said. However, if you’re wearing those pretty boy panties you have on that still counts as clothing,” he told me as he stopped doing what he was doing, “Stand up.”

What? No. No, I wanted to keep my pants on. I wasn’t standing up to make it easier for him to pull my pants off. Did he think I was stupid and I didn’t understand what he was doing? What he was planning to do? I didn’t want him touching me like that. I took the opportunity to turn and instead of standing up try crawling for the door hoping that I could be quick enough to get to it.

I only made it maybe a foot before he was on top of me on my back, “No you don’t. You’re mine. You even think of screaming and making a scene I won’t be the one in trouble here, remember that.” He reminded me.

No, please god no. Don't …don't do this to me. Don’t do this to me. I felt trapped, completely and utterly trapped and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to stop him. To make it so it didn’t happen.

My whole body froze again as he wrapped his arms around my waist squeezing tightly forcing me onto my hands and knees where he laughed into my neck starting to kiss me, kiss the nape of my neck as I struggled to get him to let go, his hands back at my pants slowly working them down even though I was scratching at him.

I was trying to get him to stop, to let go. My lower body nearly incapable of moving his knees digging into my calves crushing me and pinning my legs to the floor as I shook my head hoping someone would decide they needed to use that room. Hoping, praying that someone would wonder why the door was shut and then tug on it, why it was locked.

“Please,” I begged starting to cry, “Please don’t do it. Please.”

“I’m not going to hurt you, baby, it’ll be fun. It won’t even be real, just like in the bathroom ok? You give me what I want I’ll give you a little tug. We’ll take it as far as we’re allowed, we’ll both walk out feeling good. Hell, if you want to lay down and press your legs together we can do it that way. Every bottom knows how to do it that way. Let Daddy fuck you between your legs instead of using your hole while you’re too small for his cock. It’ll feel really nice,” he muttered into my neck.  
“Please, I don’t…please, please…. please, he almost did it last night, please,” I begged nearly sobbing. His knees pinching my skin, hurting as he finally loosening his grips pulling my pants down my waist, my thighs as I grabbed at his hands trying to make him stop.

“Relax, all you have to do is stay just like you are and I’ll give you a nice rub and tug while we’re down here, yeah?” he said finally removing his hands from my pants, my body even though his legs kept me pinned firmly in place his weight really hurting me, making my legs burn as he did whatever he was doing before I felt it. Him rubbing himself up against my underwear, between my legs which were pinned slightly open his erection poking me in the taint and balls as he started rutting against me, the bare skin of my thighs and the fabric of my briefs the only thing keeping him from touching me there, from being skin on skin with that area of my body.

“God yeah that sweet hole just waiting for me for when the time is right,” he said as he started rutting on me as I tried to reach back behind me finding that the only thing moving my arms did was nearly make me collapse under his weight, “I can’t wait to fill that hot little hole, fuck you until you’re drooling and pregnant with my seed. You want that, don’t you baby? You want to be a good little slut for me just like you are for Daddy L in all those movies. You want me to make you cum, to suck you off until you can’t breathe.”

He started rubbing. Rubbing me through my underwear. Me finally giving up on keeping my upper half upright if it meant getting him to stop, to stop doing that to me. To stop using me for…using my body to get off as he said those things. I grabbed at his hands again before he moved his legs pinching even harder on mine making me whimper.

“You need to stop,” he warned me, “You keep scratching at my hands I’ll tell him it was your idea. That you wanted it like the little slut you are. Maybe then he’ll just let me have you. What do you think? Do you want to be mine that bad? Want me to fill all your holes with cum? I knew you liked me but, I wasn’t thinking you’d want to cut your time with him short. So, you keep fighting the longer this is going to take and the more likely I am to tell him you’re a hungry little cock slut but, if you stop, if you’re good maybe I’ll consider this a favor and stop making you hold my hand and make out with me in the bathroom. What do you think?”

If I was good? If I was…I didn’t want to be good. Not in the way he was telling me to. I wanted him to stop. He was hurting me. My body was responding the way he wanted it too, probably confusing him but, he was hurting me. I could feel my bones bruising as he used his weight to pin me in place under him, as he used my underwear and the extra friction it was creating to help himself get off. As he…

If I just let him, would he really stop doing those things all the time? Would he really stop treating me like that in front of people or in places where people might walk in and see? I mean it wasn’t real rape after all, not real sex. He was right it was like in the bathroom at the showing, it wasn’t…it didn’t have to be a big deal if I stopped fighting and he made sure it was quick, so we didn’t get in trouble.

“That’s it, baby, that’s my good slut huh? Like thinking about me creaming your hole better than any old man. Such a hot little fuck, you like that? You like me fucking you between your legs wishing it was your hole? Tell me what you want. Come on, be a good boy, tell me what you want.”

I knew I didn’t have a choice. If I didn’t say it, if I wasn’t good he’d tell him. It’d make it so much worse. Hell, he’d probably tell everyone.

“F... fuck me, Daddy,” I barely managed to whisper as my tears fell, as I gave up the fight.

I don’t know how long he…but eventually he came, and he didn’t stop. He kept going his hand bringing me to climax two or three times as I silently cried while he did the same all over my thighs only stopping when he was satisfied and pulled up his pants.

“You might want to pull your pants back up now,” he told me even though I was still crying still frozen where he had pinned me to the ground with his knees, “I’m going to unlock the door. It will spare you some humiliation if someone walks in seeing your panties and thighs covered in cream. I honestly can’t wait. If you’re that good without me sticking it in you I bet you feel amazing on the inside don’t you, sexy? I bet your cream taste like custard nice and sweet too. Too bad it all has to be above the clothes huh? I’d love to have you blow your load in my mouth.”

With that he sat down at the Microform viewer. I remember just feeling…defeated. Completely defeated and like the loser I was. Thinking about how I couldn’t protect myself.

How it didn’t matter what I did he didn’t stop until he wanted to. How I had …eventually I managed to move enough to pull my pants up and make sure they were on all the way before I crawled over to the wall on my hands and knees resting my back against it, pinning my legs tightly to my chest by wrapping my arms around them trying to make myself as small as possible in hopes he would just forget I was there. That maybe everyone would just forget I was there as I tried my best to cry silently.

And no one was going to stop him. No one was going to punish him, no one was going to do anything because I was no one. Because I didn’t matter. Because …

The bell rang for Lunch and he said something, Something. about drying my eyes before I left for lunch and he walked out leaving the door of the room open as I sat there frozen feeling that gooey grossness of him and me on my legs, my undies. 

Moving made it worse, made me more aware of it. That it was there, and I was sitting on it. I don’t think at the time I was aware of it but, my pants had obvious signs of wetness all over them looking almost like I had wet myself down the front and back of them because immediately after pulling up my pants I had sat down up against the wall instead of letting them dry. 

I remember wanting to move but, not being able to. Knowing that if I moved, it meant it was real. That he had just…and it wasn’t even real rape. He wouldn’t even get in trouble for it but if Lionel found out he’d be so angry with me. I remember wishing I could just disappear as I laid down on the floor still clinging to my knees and tried to cry silently hoping everyone would just forget I existed because I already didn’t matter. My brain panicking so hard that I hugged myself tighter when I realized it was Wednesday and we had to do confession, had to go to mass and I was covered in cum.

I heard footsteps holding my breath and waiting for the person to come into the room, but they didn’t. Instead, the footsteps receding before there was the sound of multiple footsteps.

“Thanks, Kev,” I heard Finn’s voice as I felt someone sit down next to me.

“Yeah, no problem. I know he talks to you guys and I don’t know him that well. I don’t know what’s wrong but, I know his Mentor is your brother and he just looks… really…So, I thought it might be related.

“Hey there,” Todd said trying to get me to look at him, “You ok?”

I closed my eyes tightly hoping I didn’t suddenly whimper because someone was there to hear me cry. Hoping that maybe they would just go away. That they would forget me or remember that I didn’t matter.

“Will, what’s wrong?” Todd asked me his voice quiet, soft, “What’s wrong? It’s ok. You can tell us.”

I shook my head my whole body shaking, my throat feeling tight. No, I couldn’t. I couldn’t. Everyone would know what a loser I was. I couldn’t… a squeak escaping my mouth before I could stop it as I bit into my fist.

“Ok,” Todd said, “Will, it’s ok.”

I heard the door close as the second bell rang, the warning bell warning us we had five minutes to get where ever we were going. The sounds of the rest of the school fading slightly.

“Has he said anything?” Finn asked coming over.

“No,” Todd said, “He’s barely moved. He’s shaking so hard right now. Do you think that…” Todd trailed off.

“I don’t know,” Finn said, “I don’t know, maybe. If they were in here alone. I didn’t see him the whole hour. I thought they might have been with you and Rich.”

“And I thought they were with you,” Todd said, “Will, it’s ok. We’re right here. You’re safe. It’s ok.”

It wasn’t safe. It wasn’t ever safe. Why were they still there? Didn’t they understand I didn’t matter? That I was just a slut.

“I don’t…” I managed before wheezing.

“It’s ok man. Let me go find something for you to wipe your nose. You want to stay here Finn or…?” Todd trailed off.

“Yeah,” Finn said nodding his head, “Come on, let’s sit up ok? Come, I’ve got you,” he said offering me a hand before he touched my shoulder gently his hand pulling back as I jumped, “Ok, my hands are right here. I’m not touching. I’m not touching you ok? Can I…do you want me to help you?”

I shook my head slightly confused by his reaction as I slowly managed to sit up before hugging my knees back to my chest, tucking them under my chin as he watched me. As I started to find air, to breathe hiccupping slightly as I did so.

“Do you need your inhaler?” he asked me, and I shook my head, “Ok. Something bad happened huh?”

No, bad things couldn’t happen to people who didn’t matter and I didn’t matter. It was stupid of them to be there when they should have been eating lunch, like normal people. Like happy people. Where I…I hiccupped again almost starting to cry again closing my eyes and rounding my lips trying to exhale deeply.

“I’m right here. No one is going to hurt you again, ok?” he told me.

All they were going to do was hurt me again and keep hurting me. That’s all any of them wanted was to hurt me and I didn’t understand why. Why they said those things and then…then they hurt me. If they loved me and they thought I was sexy and, good why did they hurt me? I wanted to…

“Why?” I whimpered.

“What?” Finn asked me quietly.

“Why do th…” I let out a pitiful howling sound.

“Oh, come here, please? You’re scaring me,” Finn said quietly as I managed to nod my head giving him permission to touch me him pulling my head into his lap, “It’s ok, you’re safe now. You’re safe. He’s gone. He’s not here anymore, he’s gone. Did he do something?”

Suddenly there were more foot falls more than one person again one of them sounding really fast outside of the room. Teddy sprinted into the room and nearly slid as he got down on his knees near us Todd and Quinn walking slowly behind him.

“What happened?” Teddy said his eyes wide looking at Finn not at me.

“He won’t say,” Finn said running a hand through my hair, “it’s ok, he’s gone. You’re safe. You’re safe.”

“You found him like this?” Ted asked sounding panicked.

“Yeah, Kev did,” Todd said, “He said he was lying on the ground in the fetal position. Didn’t even move when he came into the room. I’ve seen my little brothers do that before and it’s never a good thing so…you know…”

“Did he hurt you?” Ted asked me, “Will, you nee…”

“Ted, he doesn’t need to do anything right now,” Finn said, “He’s barely let me touch him. When I went to go touch him he jumped back like I had smacked him. We need to give him a little bit.”

“We can’t we’re in the middle of school. Pa…”

“NO! NO! NO!” I remember closing my eyes and screaming.

He would be mad. He’d be so mad. I was being a fucking pussy, a slut and he’d be so pissed, and I couldn’t get it together and I had to go and…no. I didn’t want to, no, no, no.

I felt hands in my hair someone grabbing my wrists, “Ok, I won’t say it,” I heard loudly over my hands I had cupped around my ears, “I won’t say it. Shhh, …it’s ok, Will. I’m sorry I won’t say it, ok? We don’t have to think about that right now. I’m not going to say it. I’m not going to talk about him ok? Shhh…Shhh…. breathe.”

“Guys, what do we do?” I heard Todd ask, “We can’t sit here, and we can’t just leave him here. What are we supposed to do?”

“I think we should go for a walk,” Quinn said.

“I think that sounds like a good idea,” Ted agreed letting go of my arms, “Come on Will, do you want to go for a walk? We’ll all go outside, get some air? It can’t feel good being trapped here. It can’t feel safe.”

He was right it didn’t but, nowhere felt safe. It hadn’t in a long time. I somehow concluded that they were right, that maybe if I just got outside of the building I’d feel a little better. That maybe that was all I needed was some air, some light.

“Ok,” Teddy said smiling at me, “Do you want me to help you sit up?”

I shook my head slowly sitting up next to Finn who was also giving me a small smile nodding at me as he stood up, “Do you want me to help you stand?” Finn asked me offering me his hand which I grabbed tightly, “There we go. We’re going to go for a walk ok? Just try and stay calm, breathe. If you need your inhaler let me know and I’ll help you get it ok?” he told me.

I remember wanting to tell them I was ok but not being able to find the words. Maybe because I knew it would be a lie. That I wasn’t ok. That I was pretty far from ok. That I wanted to stop being a slut or no one. That I wanted to have my life back, my body back that I…”

“I’m not a slut, am I?” I managed to whisper.

“NO! Never, never Will,” Finn said and everyone else murmured agreement, “Is that what happened? He told you that you were a slut?”

I nodded my head. He’d called me a slut all right. He’d called me the same thing my Da always called me. Not just a slut but a cock slut. Someone that loved cock so much they…

“He’s shaking again,” Todd murmured.

“Will, it’s ok,” Finn said putting his arm around my shoulder, “It’s ok he’s gone. You’re safe. No one here is going to hurt you, ok. He’s gone.”

“You promise?” I whispered.

“Yeah,” Teddy answered before Finn could, “If he comes back I’ll be the first one to hand his ass to him, ok?”

“He…” I managed shaking my head.

“You don’t have to tell us anything you don’t want to, ok?” Finn told me.

For some reason, it felt violent. The whole thing just felt like a complete violation, worse than anything else he had done so far. Even worse than the bathroom at my movie premiere. Him using that. Saying that. IT felt like…it felt like Da and the hidden camera. Me wanting to fight and knowing that if I tried I would lose. That if I tried things would just be that much worse. 

It felt just as violent as my most violent rapes and yet he had barely touched me. I don’t know why it felt that way because it’s not like he said anything I hadn’t heard before. It sounded just like the rest of them really but, I don’t think anyone but Da had ever called me that. I think that was what made it so different, so upsetting was hearing those words come from someone else. Knowing someone else thought that. Maybe even knew that. It scared me, it felt like a complete violation of whatever privacy I thought I had.

“Did he make you…practice?” Teddy asked quietly.

No, I shook my head. He didn’t do that. That was code for anal sex. One of them forcing you to have anal sex. He hadn’t done that. He’d gotten closer than he ever had before but, he’d…

“I’m sorry I know this is violating your space a little bit here, but I need to know. Did he go under your clothes?” Teddy asked me in a whisper Finn moving his arm around me, holding me a little tighter as he started rubbing my shoulder with his hand.

“A little,” I answered managing to keep my voice steady.

“Under your underwear?” he asked me, and I shook my head, “But, under your pants for sure?” I nodded my head, “Ok. I’m sorry.”

“I’m so sorry,” Finn whispered into my other ear kissing my cheek quickly.

It was just a peck, a quick little kiss and I think it was just on instinct, impulse. It was nice. It felt comforting almost like how John would have probably kissed me had he been there. The gesture making me feel a little safer, a little more secure in where I was and who I was with.

“Ok, I think we need to…” Todd paused as we walked out into the library out into the bright light, “Guys, look at his pants.”

Everyone looked finally drawing my attention to it. It looked like I had wet myself. I mean I…my underwear was uncomfortably wet from being given a hand job against my will which had caused me to ejaculate at least twice. The back of my legs and thighs felt wet because Wallace had probably ejaculated on me three or four times. I knew it felt uncomfortable at that point but, hadn’t realized until Todd had pointed it out that you could clearly see something had happened the wetness showing through my black uniform pants.

“They have like spares usually for younger kids at the office. Do you think they’ll have some he can have there?” Quinn asked.

“Maybe,” Todd said, “He can use my sweater to get there.”

He took off his hooded sweater and allowed me to tie it around my waist like a girl as we walked to the office Finn keeping his arm around me. I remember being too shocked to be embarrassed or worried about what everyone was thinking. The only thing I was worried about was getting in trouble with Lionel because when Lionel was angry with me bad things happened. I ended up gang-raped and bruised, beat up and forced to have sex with him and a baby. That was something I didn’t want happening to me again anytime soon. So, I was way more worried about him than what anyone else thought.

When we got to the office Father Arbor was on secretary duty and he sighed looking at us, “What can I help you with today, my sons?”

“Well, our friend here. He huh…something kind of happened and he needs a change of pants. Or to call home and have them bring him some,” Todd said quietly as Finn gave my arm a gentle squeeze.

“What’s your name, son?” he asked looking at me.

“McGregor, Will,” Finn answered for me.

“He’s old enough to speak for himself,” Father Arbor said typing on the keyboard connected to a computer, “A brotherhood related something?”

I sighed nodding my head. Yeah having my thighs and underwear used as a hankie and being jacked off would have been considered brotherhood related I was pretty sure. My face turning red as I thought about it. About his hands on my waist and then…the air getting caught in my chest.

“What size does he wear?” Father Arbor asked looking at me.

“Do you know what size you wear?” Finn asked me.

“16 boys, I think,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

“Ok,” he said, “Usually we only carry for the younger kid’s, but I’ll take a look. Wait here, gentlemen.”

“Are you doing ok?” Finn asked me.

“Better,” I said nodding my head, “I just…I wasn’t…”

“It’s ok,” Teddy said as I heard murmurs of agreement behind him, “You don’t need to explain anything.”

“Yeah, man. I don’t think anyone is ever ready for that especially outside of the villa. Somewhere they aren’t expecting it to happen like at school,” Todd said.

“Will, not to get into your personal business here but, does your brother know what’s going on here? I mean with your mentor and all of that?” Quinn asked softly.

I shook my head. No. Of course, he didn’t know. He didn’t even know about Lionel. He had his own problems and what was he going to do to help me with…

“I know you don’t want to talk about that stuff. Especially because he’s your brother and things are hard for him too. Contracts are hard for everyone but maybe, he can scare him a little bit? Get him to back off?” Quinn said.

“How?” I said feeling like I was going to cry.

He had permission. There was nothing anyone could do. He hadn’t raped me, not really. As long as he didn’t rape me he could do whatever he wanted. He’d proved that.

“Ok,” Finn said, hugging me as I started to cry, “Ok, it’s ok. I’m right here. You’re doing so good. You’re…”

“We’re in luck…Oh. You boys want to talk to headmaster Watson?” he asked.

“No,” Finn said, “We’ll just take the pants.”

“Ok, Mr. McGregor, tell your parents to give you 15.00 tomorrow to bring to school. And I’ll be sure to…”

“Mr. McGregor, Mr. Huber, is something wrong?” Headmaster Watson asked as he walked into the office, “Come with me.”

“What about the rest of us?” Ted asked sounding a little upset over the matter.

“You can come too. The other two I don’t need,” Headmaster Watson said, sounding bored.

The last thing I wanted to do was be near him. For all I knew he was going to bend me over a desk and toss my salad which seemed to be something he enjoyed doing. I wanted to tell him I was fine but, I doubted Lionel would be happy with me mouthing off to my head master, so I sighed Finn keeping his arm around my shoulders and holding onto my new pair of clean pants as we followed him down the hallway to his office.

His office was huge. A fancy cherry wood L Shaped Desk with a computer and hutch on one side and an empty table top on the other facing two fancy dining chairs. I had never been in there before, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to be in there. The sitting area with a big Victorian style sofa in the corner looking less than inviting.

“Physical contact like that is not allowed unless you’re in a contract together. I know for a fact you’re not,” Headmaster Watson said sitting down at his desk.

“The older Mr. Huber assaulted him,” Teddy said before either Finn nor I could say anything, “He was comforting him.”

“Assaulted him how?” Headmaster Watson asked.

“Well, he took him in the microfor…” Finn started to explain what I had told them.

“Not from you, from him,” Headmaster Watson said pointing at me.

He wanted to hear it from me? My face going red as he looked at me in anticipation, waiting for me to speak. What did I say? What did I…? I hadn’t even really told them past he had pulled down my pants but not my underwear. I hadn’t really told them what had happened.

“Do you need your friends to step out for a minute?” he asked me.

I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to talk about what he did to me. How my legs still hurt where he had pinned me down. I didn’t want to tell them that a part of the mess I was hiding with the hoody around my waist was from me. Because he’d touched me. Had made me ejaculate more than once.

“Then just tell me what happened. I’m not asking you to shout it from the rooftops. I’m not asking you to go out in the hallway and tell the whole school. It’s me, and your two friends who I’m sure you’ve already told some of it to even if they don’t have the full story. If he violated his agreement with the leader and before you ask, I know what it is. He will be dealt with. There will be no repercussions for you, I promise.” he said quietly picking up a pen on his desk and fiddling with it.

“He…,” I sighed trying to find my courage as Finn rubbed my shoulder and Teddy squeezed my hand helping me find some courage even though it also made me feel a little like a girl, “He took me into the microform room saying he had a project he had to work on. Before I could turn around he locked the door. He told me as long as it was above my clothes, my underwear it was ok.”

“That’s what he said?” Headmaster Watson said seeming amused, “Keep going. You’re ok.”

“He…I tried to get away and he pinned me down. He dug his knees into the back of my legs and pulled down my pants. And then he…he took off his pants and his underwear and he started rubbing against me….” I started crying. I was such a fucking loser. I couldn’t even stop him, couldn’t fight him off and he had just…

“Ok, I get the picture,” Headmaster Watson said, “I have to make a phone call or two. You can all go. If you want you can use my private bathroom down the hall to change your pants. Go and enjoy what’s left of lunch boys. I’ll make sure everything is taken care of.”

With that we left. My knees feeling weak for some reason. Finn helping me stand as he thanked Headmaster Watson and we walked to the bathroom. I felt stupid. Stupid that I needed my friends to hold my hand literally through an assault that wasn’t even the worst I’d been through. Me sighing as we made it to the bathroom door and Finn let go of me.

“Thanks,” I said quietly looking at him.

“Are you ok now?” he asked me, and I nodded my head.

“You’re sure?” Ted asked me.

“Yeah. Thanks, you guys,” I said, “Really, I think I’m ok now.”

“I think you should tell your brother,” Finn said as I shut the bathroom door.

“He has his own things going on,” I answered back through the door.

“What about his friend that we met? Pat, right? Why don’t you tell him?” Finn asked.

“Pat would just get mad and threaten to beat people up,” I answered changing my pants and opening the door, “Pat doesn’t need more trouble.”

“Maybe that’s what he needs,” Finn said, “I can’t keep him from do…”

“You’re not supposed to. He does it to you too. You told me that, remember?” I reminded him, Teddy, looking at him and Finn sighing nodding his head.

“I think Finn’s right. Maybe he needs to be threatened. Told to keep his hands to himself. I can tell you that what happened is something Papa won’t be ok with. Not at school. If he was somewhere else, sure. But, at school is different. Papa is going to tell him that. I don’t know what he’s going to do about it but, it won’t be good,” Teddy said.

“So, he won’t do it again?” I asked feeling a little relieved.

“More than likely it won’t happen again. That doesn’t mean he won’t be angry at you about it though. For telling, for making a big deal out of it,” Ted confirmed.

“He had every right to make a bi…” Finn said starting to get angry.

“I know. I wasn’t saying he doesn’t have a right to. He’s more than right to make a big deal about it. He almost…had sex with him. I know that ok? That’s not ok at school. And Papa is going to be telling him that. But, that doesn’t mean Wallace won’t be angry about Will saying something so maybe he still needs to be threatened a little bit. You should seriously tell your brother or at the very least his friend, ok?” Ted encouraged me.

“I’ll think about it,” I said hoping that would be the end of it.

I loved how they called Pat my brother’s “friend”. They knew they were together. However, the unwritten rule was no romantic relationships and so, we all tried to make sure that even if there were emotional entanglements we kept them on the down low.  
They all had their own things going on. I knew Pat had a contract just like John did. Bothering them about some senior just seemed…stupid. Too fucking stupid. They would think I was even more of a loser than they already believed I was. And I mean, what would Cole think? If I couldn’t handle myself with Wallace how was I going to deal with anything else in life? 

I remember that feeling, that anxiety lingering as I managed to barely choke down some food at lunch and lined up for confession. I don’t remember exactly what happened, but I know I told the priest that I was afraid God was mad at me. That he was punishing me.

It seemed like when I needed him most he was never there. He never answered my prayers. Not when it was Lionel biting into my shin, or Da on top of me. Not when it was Wallace saying those horrible things or Uncle Ben pushing me face first into the pillows of his bed. God was never there.

He never helped me. Never stopped them. He just allowed it to happen and I had to deal with the fallout. With the pain in my body and the emotional exhaustion. Watching my little brothers fall apart as Da started subjecting them to the same things. It felt like it was too much and yet all the Priest had to say was that God knew what he was doing. That he wanted me to go through trials in order to find my true purpose. I was 11 years old. How could being raped help an 11-year-old kid find their true purpose?

I remember getting home and feeling more tired than anything getting ready to tell John about my day. Deciding that maybe Ted and Finn had been right, and I needed to tell them, tell John and Pat about what was happening at school or with Lionel.  
Pat had been begging me to tell John about Lionel for a while. Probably because he could see how badly I was falling apart. How it was slowly wearing me down and the more stuff he made me do, the more videos I had to make, the worse it got. 

I remember being so anxious to get home and tell him that I didn’t even stop to say hi to Debbie or the babies going straight to John’s room only to find him and Pat in bed, Pat stroking his hair softly as John slept. He looked beat to shit. When Dr. Palmer had told me Tuesday that he was ok, I thought he meant he was ok. Not beaten within an inch of his life.

“What happened?” I whispered setting my book bag down quietly.

“He tried to go to school this morning. He has bruised ribs; his arm is sprained I think and just…it wasn’t a good idea. It was stupid. I feel like it’s partly my fault” Pat told me kissing John’s forehead tenderly as he slept.  
“How is it your fault?” I asked him frowning at him.  
“I huh…because of Leo I’ve been taking him away to skip so he can get some sleep. Your Da has been spending the night with him on Monday’s usually…” I snorted interrupting him, “What?”

“Lot more often than Monday. He wanted to climb into bed with me last night and he doesn’t usually do that unless he can’t have …” I sighed looking at John, “How does that make this your fault though?”

“Monday’s when school starts I’ve been taking him to the park to this nice little observation station for bird watching and letting him sleep. Holding him while he sleeps,” Pat said watching him closely, “He’s struggling. Hard. He keeps losing weight and he...it’s going to be a health issue soon. He’s going to make himself really sick. I don’t know if I can stand to watch him sick. He’s trying. I know he’s trying but…it scares me,” Pat told me.

So, he really wasn’t doing well. I probably hadn’t noticed his weight loss because I didn’t often see his body. Usually, when he was home he had on baggy hoodies and sweaters and t-shirts just like I did. It was a body thing. When you didn’t feel comfortable with people seeing your body you hid it. You hid it the best you could and often that meant wearing clothes that were a couple sizes too big.

“So, they sent him home this morning?” I asked Pat quietly.

“Yeah, we got off the bus and he was barely managing to stand and then like an idiot I gave him a smoke and he just nearly collapsed. I had to almost carry him down the hall to the nurse’s office and your Dad came to pick him up and bring him back home. I shouldn’t have …”

“It’s over and he’s ok, right?” I asked Pat.

“Yeah, just really tired and sore,” Pat agreed “I have some homework I need to work on though, at least for a little while. You?”

“Yeah, some maths if you want to help me,” I told him finally sitting down and pulling my maths books out of my bag.

“Ok, sure,” he said nodding his head and carefully sliding John out of his arms before joining me on the floor.

“Has he been asleep long you think?” I asked Pat.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s been asleep since before I got home. I stopped by my house and then headed over this way to check and make sure he was ok, and he was asleep then. It was dumb of him to go to school today,” Pat muttered.

“Hey, can you help me find x here?” I asked him as we both worked in our books.

“I mean I also, like I said, gave him a cigarette. I wasn’t really thinking about it at the time, but it probably wasn’t a good idea,” Pat said, “Here now you want to take…well, if 3x+23y=-4 you need to apply -23y to each side and 23-23 leaves you with y, right?”

“Right,” I answered nodding my head.

“So, then you have to take -4 and minus -23?” Pat asked.

“no, you’re solving for x, so it would be 3x=-23y-4 divided by 3 on each side would mean that x is going to equal -23y-4 divided by 3.

“No, wait…,” he said looking at my paper closely, “no…wait, you’re right. You’re right.”

“If we were then solving for y it would be 23y+4=27y divided by 3 and then y would be equal to 9,” I told him.

“You know this stuff better than I do so quit asking me to help you,” Pat told me slapping me on the shoulder.

“Just because I’m catching on doesn’t mean I’m better at it then you are,” I said as I saw John move out of the corner of the eye and make a small sound as he stretched before he hissed in pain.

“Hey Rabbit,” Pat said quietly standing up and checking on him, “How are you feeling?”

“Still sore and tired,” John answered quietly, “How was school?”

“You didn’t miss much,” Pat said quietly, “Everyone was worried about you.”

“Who is everyone?” John asked frowning.

“A bunch of random people. I don’t even remember their names. And then Dick and Chad actually asked about you. They also made comments I don’t care to repeat…”

“Dick and Chad?” I asked him quietly.

“Yeah,” Pat said nodding his head, “You ok?”

“I…,” I shrugged my shoulders, John, frowning at me as he sat up.

“What’s going on Wingman? What’s wrong?” he asked me looking worried.

I shook my head and forced a small smile, “I’m ok.”

Pat shot me a worried look too but started talking again, “Luke the T.A asked if you got home all right because he heard from Father Dunbee you weren’t feeling well. Jesus said he thought you’d been in an MMA fight because your face looks that bad. I told him he should see the other guy,” Pat said smiling at the expression on John’s face, “You’re the talk of the whole school.”

“Awesome. Well, Vic said I’m not allowed back to school until Monday,” John said.

“And everything else? Did your Da bother you today?” Pat asked him.

“No, no one’s bothered me. I think Da has me strictly on a no bother list for right now because I haven’t seen any littles at all so…,” John trailed off as he yawned wincing when he did so.

“Well, good. It means you’re getting rest which you obviously need,” Pat told him climbing into bed with him, “Do you feel like you got any sleep?”

“Yeah,” John said moving over so Pat could get under the covers with him, “I don’t know. It’s just really hard to sleep sometimes, you know?”

“Yeah, I know,” Pat said nodding his head looking closely at John his eyes doing this weird thing. That weird thing that they did sometimes when they looked at each other that grossed me out a little bit because it was…it seemed like something you were supposed to do when you were alone and not in a room with other people the whole thing causing me to clear my throat and get their attention.

“Can I ask you guys a question?” I asked them, both turning to look at me.

“Sure,” Pat answered nodding his head, “What’s up?”

“Do you ever just like get angry about everything?” I asked them.

I was thinking about Wallace. How stupid I felt not being able to do anything about it but be a sniveling little bitch in the corner when he was done. Wondering if…if anyone really cared. If anyone that could stop it cared anyway because I knew Finn cared, and Teddy and…of course they did but, they couldn’t stop him. They would never be able to stop him, and I couldn’t, and I should have been able to.

“All the time,” Pat said without hesitation.

“Yeah, I’m angry a lot,” John answered, “I just try to remind myself that it’s not anyone’s fault really. That I can’t take it out on random people who don’t deserve to be treated badly.”

I thought about all the times I had snapped at Mike or James, at Teddy. At any of them and just…I felt guilty. Stupid, everything made me feel stupid.

“I find it hard to be nice sometimes,” I admitted, “I’m sorry if I was ever meant to you before John, that I didn’t get it. I understand now.”

I couldn’t look at them. Couldn’t admit it. Couldn’t look at the hopeful expression on Pat’s face. I knew he was hoping I would tell. That I would talk about it, about him. That meant everything falling apart. The feeling that John would fall apart even more in front of me hitting my brain and making me blink, making me wish it away as I lost my courage to say anything. To talk about the things, he had done to me and the things he had made me do that I knew John was going to hate me for, that I hated myself for.

“It’s ok Will,” John said quietly, “Do you think he’s going to come see you tonight?” John asked me meaning Da.

I had gotten him to walk away and leave me alone the night before and John wasn’t exactly in a spot where he could handle it, so it was going to be me or someone else. I would rather it was me than Mike or James. Not that Mike could handle it either his body just as battered as John’s was more than likely.

“I know he will,” I barely managed trying to look at the next problem on the page.

I knew he would come. That he would do it because even if I told him about Wallace he wouldn’t care. I’d probably get in trouble. Because I hadn’t tried hard enough to stop him, because it was over my clothes and so no rules were broken, because I was whining, and it wasn’t abuse. Because I wasn’t him, because I wasn’t John.

“Now see, that makes me really mad,” Pat said, “You don’t deserve that. No one deserves that. Is that why you gave you two different beds? Queen sized beds?”

“I think so,” John said as they mostly ignored me again, pretended I wasn’t there, “Will? Maybe Mike should sleep with you tonight.”

“Mike won’t want to,” I said shaking my head, “He’s sor…”

“He’s sore?” John said his voice sounding harsh, “What do you mean he’s sore?”

I felt my face going red. I hadn’t told him about any of that. About the party. About the Villa or…those were things he would have wanted to know right away. The moment he was home he would have wanted to know no matter how hurt he himself had been.

“R…” Pat started John putting his hand up and shaking his head.

“He’s sore? You need to tell me what happened. You need to tell me now,” John said his voice firm. His parent voice, a voice he didn’t use with me often. A voice that was starting to get deeper, starting to remind me of Da a little bit the tone making my brain freeze, making me stammer as I figured out how to explain it.

“You were…you were sick and I …I didn’t thin…”

“It’s not your job to think it’s your job to protect them,” John said looking at me shaking his head, “What happened? You need to tell me.”

“Da and…there was a party and…I did…didn’t…I didn’t know. I’m sorry! I didn’t know! I ….”

“Shit,” I heard Pat swear, “Ok, it’s ok. It’s ok, Will. It’s…

“Oh God! Fuck! Wingman I’m not upset with you. I’m not upset with you! I’m sorry! Come here, come here wingman, I’m sorry,” he said Pat somehow managing to pick me up even though I was shaking.

I knew it was my job and I knew I’d failed just like I’d been failing at everything. That I couldn’t even protect my fucking self and now I couldn’t…and it was my fault. All of it was my fault and I was stupid that all I could do was freeze and feel his knees digging into me and beg him to stop, and …

“It’s ok,” John said hugging me wrapping his arms around me, “It’s ok. It’s not your fault. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made it seem like I was mad at you. I’m not, It’s not your fault wingman, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Maybe you both just need a break,” Pat suggested quietly, “I don’t know how you’re going to get one but to me, it sounds like you’re both beyond stressed. You’re both beat to shit. I don’t…”

Pat trailed off in quiet frustration his hand resting on my shoulder as John held me close, as he cuddled me, “I don’t know. I think it’d still be a good idea. Having Mike spend the night with you. That way maybe Da will stay away.” John muttered into my hair.

“I don’t know John,” I sighed quietly, “Wouldn’t that mean Da would come for you?”

“I don’t know but, it’s better than you. I mean if he’s not with me he’s usually with you, right? That means all weekend he’s with you, right?” John asked me.

I wasn’t always there. Sometimes I was with him. Sometimes there were other things going on like the party. Things that Lionel wanted me to do, that Da wanted me to do and that meant I wasn’t always home. 

“Huh,” I answered feeling my face getting hot again, “Mostly.”

“What does that mean?” John asked me quietly, a tone of worry in his voice, “It’s Cat, isn’t it?”

I honestly didn’t know but he was doing things to someone. Looking back, I don’t think he could have…functioned if he wasn’t doing something to someone. For as long as I could remember he had been doing something to John or to me and it only made sense that if he wasn’t touching us he was touching someone as much as it hurt to acknowledge that fact. He was hurting someone. And he’d hurt Cat before. I knew he had. I’d heard it. I’d held James while he cried because her room was right near his and he could hear it if he was in there.

“He’s been in her room. There’s just been a lot going on. I’m not even…I’m so tired all the time John. I don’t…I can’t…,” I trailed off sighing.

“Ok,” John said nodding his head, “It’s ok.”

“Eww, him touching people,” Pat muttered under his breath John smiling at him over my head.

“Babe, not helping,” he said shaking his head slightly.

“Sorry, it’s just gross. All of its gross but I don’t know. I’ve never dealt with one that touched little girls before really. I know my dad never has for sure. Maybe if he did Karen wouldn’t be such a bitch,” Pat said.

“How is Karen doing by the way?” I asked him.

“Well, Saturday my dad and I went over to the Larkin house because she got engaged to Louis Larkin,” Pat answered looking at me.

“Wait,” John said frowning slightly at him, “She’s engaged?”

“Yeah,” Pat said nodding his head, “It was weird. I had no idea that their mom was that big of a drunk. Like no clue but I swear she had like five glasses of wine just sitting at the table. Arthur and Cole didn’t even go. It was just the five of us. I don’t even know why Dad wanted me there. He weirded me out. Louis.”

“Larkin as in…” I started to ask Pat nodding his head before I could finish.

“Yes, Teddy’s brother. It’s disgusting dealing with their mom though, I mean seriously. Dinner was not something I enjoyed considering how crazy she is. The more she drank the worse it got. Like I said Louis weirded me out too. The whole thing was just…” Pat trailed off.

“Nothing happened, right?” John asked pulling me a little closer.

“Oh, no. He was skeevy but, he didn’t try to touch me or anything. I honestly don’t think I’m his type. His recruit track for sure but, he didn’t make it seem like he was super interested in me. He asked about Cole though and that one was…I wasn’t cool with that.”

“About Cole, really?” John asked sounding curious.

“Some of them have different things. Maybe he has a thing for blonds? Who knows?” Pat said hugging John’s legs as he climbed back up onto the bed with us.

“What did he say?” I asked Pat quietly.

“It’s not important,” Pat answered, “Don’t worry about it, ok?”

I nodded my head. The way Pat had said it and looked at me letting me know it was something that probably didn’t need to be discussed in front of John. That Louis had probably said something about someone else too. About me or him, it was bad enough he had mentioned Cole, that alone would cause John to worry let alone if it came up my name had made it past Louis’ lips.

“You ok Rabbit?” Pat asked kissing John’s kneecap through the covers, “Your leg is twitching.”

“Yeah,” John sighed, “I’m all right.”

It was weird. Talking about Teddy’s family. Sometimes I felt like I talked about them more than I talked about my own anymore. My brain going back to what Teddy had told me about Louis. How Louis still made him…have sex. Still forced him to do that stuff with him but, he was now engaged to a girl closer to his own age. It made me wonder how that worked. Why they would do that. How even though Pat didn’t like Karen he wasn’t angry for her, that her boyfriend or now fiancée was fucking little boys, his own brothers of any little boys he could choose to rape behind her back.

“How did you keep from beating his brains in?” I asked him frowning.

“I honestly don’t know besides after dinner I was slightly busy so….,” Pat trailed off resting his forehead against John’s leg for a second.

“Are you ok?” John asked him.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I smoked some weed after it was all over so, I was chilled out. Feels kind of like a dream after I do that. A bad one but, still. It’s like my brain remembers it if I think about it but if I don’t it’s like it didn’t happen or I was watching a horror movie where I can recall little bits and pieces but not the whole picture and nothing super intense so…yeah. On those days I smoke a lot of weed.”

“Sort of like when you’re a kid and you go away in your head,” I asked him causing Pat to look at me.

“Yeah, kind of,” Pat agreed, “I don’t know. It doesn’t work as well as that did, but it helps a lot. I can give you guys some next time we hang out if you want. See if it helps.”

John gave Pat a small smile and squeezed his hand even though they didn’t say anything. It sounded like something that might…maybe with some stuff but not so much with others. Maybe it would help me just not care. Make it so when I closed my eyes I didn’t see them anymore. So, when it got quiet I didn’t hear them anymore. Maybe it was worth trying.

“Maybe,” I answered sitting up, “I don’t know. I mean would it really help us? With da and all that…I mean it’s pretty constant.”

“It might. You never know until you try it,” Pat said looking at me, “It helps me. I mean I know my situation is a bit different from the one you guys have going on but since Hunter introduced me to weed before he left I got off the coke and K. That’s good, right? And I don’t need to drink anymore. Not that drinking was ever a huge problem for me, but the weed helps make me less anxious. It helps with paying attention at school too. It helps me block out things like I said before. Not really forget things but just makes everything feel kind of foggy and far away.”

“You started coke and K again?” John asked him frowning.

“Only while you were gone,” Pat said, “I…you were gone and then Gus happened and just…it was a lot to deal with ok? Cole was still on it and so I…I did what I did to get by without you, don’t be mad.”

“I’m not,” John said, “I’m not sure I could ever be mad at you.”

“I might try it,” I answered getting up as John let me go and sitting back down to grab my book.

They were starting to get all mushy again. I didn’t want to be around for that honestly. I loved them but, that didn’t mean I wanted to watch them look at each other like they wanted to make out but were refraining from doing so for my benefit.

“I will,” John said looking at him, “If you can get me some,” he said smiling lightly.

“Yeah,” Pat said nodding his head the corner of his lip upturned in a dopey grin, “I can get you some Rabbit, no problem,” Pat said laying his head in John’s lap as John started playing with his hair.

Huh, yeah. It was time for me to leave. I felt pretty sure on that.

“Ok, I’m not saying I mind but, I think it’s weird that you’re lying in his lap. Usually isn’t it the other way around?” I asked them.

Pat must have laughed silently his back shaking slightly as he turned around and grinned at me, “Yeah but he has bruised ribs. Bending and moving isn’t something that is coming easy for him right now and I want to cuddle so…” Pat trailed off, “That and he has a huge boner that’s kind of poking me in the back of the head right now and I figured you didn’t want to see that so…”

Oh yeah, time to leave. That was nasty. I didn’t need to know that.

“PAT!” John said, “He doesn’t need to know that!”

“Chill out. We’re teenage boys and he’s one too. You could get it up in English class for catcher in the Rye for no reason other than your body wants to pop one. Let’s face it, nothing is hot about English class and Father Dunbee’s droning monotone voice,” Pat said.

“That’s true. He’s still my little brother though,” John said.

“Yes,” I said standing up with my books, “I am your little brother and while I might be early in the game, I know somethings,” I reminded him, “You two are really great friends. You have to be since you’re using your head to hide his random boner…”

I giggled as Pat belly laughed on the bed and John muttered that it wasn’t funny. It was funny. The fact that somehow, he had become the shy one where I was slightly embarrassed for them but a lot less so than I would have been even six months ago something that I found amusing.

“Totally is,” I said smiling “Dude have you ever just like had it happen in the middle of nowhere? Like I don’t even have to think about sex. I can be doing math homework sometimes and it just happens. It sucks.”

“Oh yeah,” Pat said his face falling a little bit, “The first time I remember getting one I was confused as fuck because I thought only adult men could do that so then I asked the only person I knew to ask. My Dad and he then got really excited about it and then…” he shook his head, “But yeah, he explained it was perfectly normal but then he tried to convince me it was normal to let him “take care of it” for me and just no…”

“Was…,” I sighed. Talking about it making me picture a young Pat. A Pat that had probably been around 6 or 7 and then that making me realize Pat had been through all the things I had gone through just about. Making me wonder if his Dad, Hank had gotten excited at the prospect that Pat could maybe…

“Was your Da with you the first time you ever…,” I trailed off my face feeling warm as I felt like I was about to cry. That I was disgusting because he…and I had and…

“Oh Will,” John said as Pat sat up both of them motioning to me to join them again back on the bed.

“Yeah,” Pat said quietly moving over, “It’s ok. I try not to think about it because it makes me want to throw up but, yeah. What about you Rabbit?”

“Yeah,” John answered as he hugged me, “Why? Have you done that yet?” John asked me.

“Since before we left,” I muttered, “It seems like it makes him happy. Makes all of them happy.”

It felt like that’s all they wanted to talk about. Especially Wallace. What I tasted like. What he was hoping I tasted like anyway. How Lionel liked talking about it too. About me, like that. Like that was the only thing I was good for. Like it made them happy and it was something they wanted all the time and I couldn’t ever…I couldn’t ever make it not happen. 

“Yeah it does, doesn’t it?” John asked me as he hugged me as he held me again my books forgotten on the floor again, “It’s ok, wingman. I think it happens it to everyone, ok?”

“He’s right,” Pat said, “I don’t think it’s anything to be ashamed of. I think they prefer it that way. Dude, let’s talk about something less depressing. Have either of you actually played Silent Hill yet? Because it came out around the time you guys left for Montana.”

“I did manage to play a little of it a couple of weeks ago,” I told them because I had actually managed to do so, “It’s hard to get Matty off the PlayStation but, I try. Like I’m still literally at the café looking for the little girl because that’s how much play time I actually managed to get.”

“I haven’t had a lot of time to really play any games,” John said, “I don’t know. I’ve managed to read some Harry Potter. Cat and James seem to really like it so…”

“What else have you been doing while I’m gone?” Pat asked him, “You have to do something more interesting with your free time than reading children’s books.”

“Well, in my spare time in the evenings I am surrounded by little kids so…I don’t know. I was spending time playing solitaire online for a while but that’s…” he stopped talking.

“Ok Rabbit. Man, we’re going to have to go to an afterschool get together at some point. Take you swimming or something,” Pat muttered.

“I don’t want to go anywhere near a pool with you two,” I said remembering the last time, “Not after the last time I saw you two in a pool together.”

“Hey,” Pat said shoving me lightly, “That was a spontaneous welcome back. You weren’t supposed to see that. It probably shouldn’t have happened at all.”

“Sure,” I said trying to get the thought out of my head because it was making me feel slightly sick. That had been more than I had ever wanted to see of them doing those things. I mean it was one thing to talk about it but something completely different to see it and be aware of it, “Are you two like a thing still or…”

“What does that mean?” John asked as I got up off the bed again.

“Like are you two still dating or was that like a before Montana thing? Because from the looks of it, you must be really really close friends or there’s still some stuff going on there,” I pointed out.

“Hey, I’ll have you know his boner was gone for a while before you climbed back up here,” Pat said looking at me, “Huh, we’re both contracted so that means no touchy but, emotionally I think we’re still kind of in the same place we left off. What do you think, Rabbit?”

He looked at John, and John looked back biting his lower lip in thought. His eyes doing that thing. That thing that they always did when he looked at him before he answered nodding his head, “Yeah.” He said simply.

“Since I got back Cole has been weird,” I said quietly, “I can’t even tell what’s going on.”

“You’re too young for Cole,” John said shaking his head but his eyes still on Pat.

“That’s a lot going on there Will,” Pat said, “Don’t worry about it.”

“No kissy face, guys come on!” I said loudly, “I know I’m young, but it was still nice to have someone to kind of…you know….” 

“Like with Beau…?” John asked me, “We’re not getting into that. You know how stupid that was? He could have hurt you.”

“He wasn’t going to hurt me. He wouldn’t have hurt me. He didn’t,” I said shaking my head.

“You don’t know that. He could have. You’re 11 years old Will,” John said shaking his head.

“Wait, ok I know a little bit about this but, what happened with Beau, really?” Pat asked looking between us, “I thought it was like making out and what not. Was it more than that?”

“Well,” John said sitting up a little bit, “Beau was, how old was he again? He and Jason were 15, right?”

“16,” I mumbled sheepishly Pat’s eyes going wide like I hadn’t told him that before.

Maybe at that point I hadn’t. I wasn’t sure. I’d only told a couple of people a couple of things about Beau, Todd being one of them even though I had been careful about letting people know how old he was and how far things had gone. Todd and Teddy being the only two people I had really admitted to that I’d had sex with Beau. Actual sex and not just fooling around clumsily in a tent but actual consensual penetration. Mutual sex. Wanted sex.

“Ok, Mitch was the neighbor's kid and he had a friend Beau. They were 16. I was very caught up in their friend’s sister, I told you all about her Heather,” John said Pat nodding his head, “While I was hanging out with Heather in his free time somehow Will got the attention of …”

“I didn’t get his attention,” I said, “He was at my party he gave me a CD I liked, and I star…”

“HE,” John said interrupting my excuses, “Got the attention of Beau. At first, it was them and Mitch going fishing in the morning after mum came home from work and then somewhere along the line Mitch dropped out and it was just the two of them and they got close. I didn’t realize how close until he left one night after asking mum if he could go camping overnight with friends and she said yes. He came in the house at 10 am after mum had gone to sleep smelling like sex and covered in hickeys.”

“Are you kidding me?” Pat asked looking between us.

“Oh, I almost lost my shit,” John said.

“Yeah, I had to beg you to not chase down his truck.”

“His truck?! His truck?!” Pat asked his mouth falling open in shock, “He was driving?! He had a…”

“Yeah,” John said nodding his head.

“Holy shit. When you said you did things with someone I thought you meant someone that was like maybe our age, maybe. I didn’t think you meant someone that was driving a truck,” Pat said, “So you’ve…?”

I shrugged my shoulders. Pat knew he couldn’t say anything to anyone. I’d…I felt like I couldn’t breathe. What if John told someone else? Mum or worse, what if he told Da? I don’t know why I hadn’t thought about that before that moment, but I couldn’t even…if He found out…if John told someone and he found out…I’d…no. No, no.

“Will, breathe,” Pat said apparently reading my mind, “You haven’t told this to anyone else have you Rabbit?”

“No,” John said, “I’m still actually super pissed about it. I don’t imagine Da taking it nearly as well as I am, and it’s been a good while. I was less than thrilled to learn that my barely 11-year-old brother had a 16-year-old boyfriend though who was doing that with him.”

“Why because of how old Beau was?” Pat asked.

“Well, yeah. He could have hurt him. He seriously could have hurt him Pat. What would have…” John sighed looking at us, at me, “What if something had happened and I wasn’t there to…and I didn’t protect him because I didn’t know?”

“He didn’t,” I said quietly.

“What?” John asked.

“He didn’t hurt me. He…he asked. He always asked before we did anything. Repeatedly. To make sure I was ok. He knew and he…so he always asked,” I said.

“Wait, you told him? You told him about Da and Uncle Ben and he still…?” John shook his head, “That sick piece of…”

“Woah, ok,” Pat said, “ok no name calling of the…the guy here. What he did wasn’t right, no but Will made a choice. He didn’t get hurt from it. He could have and that in and of itself is a reason to be upset about the whole thing but, let’s remember this is done and over with ok? There’s nothing that is going to change it now.”

“I know,” John sighed, “It’s my job to…”

“YOU CAN’T PROTECT ME FROM FUCKING EVERYTHING!” I screamed, “IF…you can’t. You can’t it doesn’t matter how hard you try, you can’t, and you know it! And I know it! EVERYONE KNOWS IT! AND I HATE IT! I HATE IT THAT NO ONE CAN…”

Just then there was a knock on the door Debbie coming in and looking at us her eyes wide, “What’s going on? Why are we shouting at each other?”

“We’re having a small dis…”

“Not you Pat, while I appreciate you being here, I want to hear from them. Why is Will screaming and crying? What’s going on guys?” Debbie said coming into the room and shutting the door.

“I yelled at him for something. Made him feel bad,” John said, “I should be able to, you know that, right? I should be able to and you’re right. I’m not doing a good job and I’m sorry Will. I’m sorry, ok?”

It wasn’t that he wasn’t doing a good job. IT was that he simply couldn’t. There was no one who could protect me from Lionel and as long as Lionel was ok with it, Wallace. There was no use in anyone even trying. Maybe deep down I knew that and that was why I didn’t want to tell Pat or John about Wallace because I knew they couldn’t really stop him. That no one could.

“I’m sorry I yelled,” I mumbled, “I’m just tired all the time. Right knackered, ok?”

John smiled a little bit at the old term. Something we would have said back home that we often didn’t hear in the states. Something that we both understood even though I was pretty sure Debbie and Pat’s understanding of what I was had said was limited.

“Are you sure everything is ok?” Debbie asked me as I nodded my head in response, “Ok, I’m going to go then. No more yelling.”

“I promise,” I said as John nodded his head.

“I know you’re knackered, ok? I am too. I don’t want to leave you hanging, I really don’t. I want you to let me know what’s going on in your life and I want you to know what’s going on in mine,” he said.

“Yeah, but sometimes I wonder how much you tell me,” I told him.

“I tell you more than most people besides Pat and Dom. But Dom is like, I don’t know, he’s my best friend I think,” John said running a hand through Pat’s hair where Pat had settled back in after Debbie had shut the door.

“Yeah you two are two peas in a pod,” Pat said smiling at John probably talking about Dom.

“Yeah,” John agreed, “It’s easy to talk to him about things. Sometimes I don’t even have to say anything for him to understand. You’re like that too though, at least most of the time.”

“I try,” Pat told him, “I really do. There’s just so much you don’t say sometimes especially about Leo.”

I saw John flinch, his whole body going tense as he blinked. Leo being his sore spot, his contract. Leo being the thing that had taken him away from us when we needed him the most. I hated Leo. I hated Leo so much that just thinking about him made me want to scream. How he had said that John was his and then whenever he had the chance, when he was done with John, he wanted me too and how I couldn’t even tell John that because that would just make him hate Leo more, make seeing him that much harder for John to deal with.

“Hey, it’s ok, all right?” Pat said hugging John, “You’re all right.”

“I know,” John sighed accepting the hug, “I just don’t like thinking about him, that.”

“Sounds about right,” I said, “I hate…Da. I hate that he’s right downstairs. I hate that he won’t keep his hands to himself because mum isn’t here. I hate that they sent her away. I hate that it doesn’t matter what I do, how much I do something is always wrong. I’m always wrong.”

“I know,” John said, “I think you’re right. I mean it’s not like mum could stop him, but he sure hears a lot less “I’m going to take them and leave you” if she’s not here.”

“Yeah. When she comes back do you think she’ll be ok?” I asked thinking about what Leo and Lionel had said, about frying her brain. Getting her hooked-on pills so she’d stay quiet, stay out of the way and let them do whatever they wanted to us, to all of us.  
“I don’t know,” John answered honestly, “Last time I saw her I’m not sure if she didn’t see me or if she’s so drugged up she didn’t know who I was. So, I guess it just depends. Those drugs can really do a number on you.”  
“Oh yeah,” I said, “I know.”

“I’m worried about what’s going to happen when she gets home. If they brainwashed her enough to make her think the whole thing is in her head or what,” John told me.

“I don’t know,” Pat answered, “I don’t think she’ll be that brainwashed. Maybe she’ll just feel like there isn’t anything she can do to prevent it. I don’t know. I hope your mom doesn’t change. I might have never cut back on getting high if it weren’t for her.”

“What do you mean?” John asked frowning at him.

“Well, she said she didn’t want me and Cole around if we were going to be high all the time. So, I started cutting back because I wanted to hang out with you, to be with you. That and she wouldn’t have let me anywhere near your younger brothers and sisters wasted off my ass and they are fun to be around so, again…another reason to just not do drugs or not do as many of them. So, while I think some of the stuff she said when she found out we were kind of having feelings for each other were totally uncalled for I think your mom is awesome,” Pat said.

“I’ll let her know when she comes home,” John said, “Is it weird that I’m tired?”

“No, considering you were an idiot who tried to go to school earlier,” I mumbled John smiling at me as I said it.

“Don’t tell your brother he’s an idiot just because he decided that going to school with bruised ribs and a black and blue face was a good idea,” Pat said laughing at him as John shot him a small smile.

“Hey, Vic didn’t tell me I couldn’t go. He said he was going to show up and when he didn’t I just thought that meant I was fine,” John insisted.

“No,” Pat said shaking his head, “It meant someone else got beat up worse than you and he needed to be there for them. Not that you were in the clear to go to school.”

“Maybe it’s time for Pat to go home and you to take a nap?” I suggested.

“I don’t want him to leave yet,” John said quietly.

“Well, I think dinner is just about ready so I’m going to go and eat. If Pat wants to come with me and bring you some food he can but, I think after that he’s supposed to go home,” I pointed out.

“Yeah,” Pat said kissing John’s head before he stood up helping me grab my books off the floor, “I’ll be back with food, all right?”

“Ok,” John said nodding his head as Pat and I walked to the door Pat shutting it behind him.

“You didn’t tell me Beau was that old,” Pat said.

“If too many people find out its…” I trailed off.

“I know,” Pat said, “Like I said before Cole told me some stuff. I can understand why you’d be cautious. That was dangerous though, he’s right.”

“Can we not?” I asked him shaking my head.

“Did you have a bad day?” he asked me quietly frowning.

“What makes you think I had a bad day?” I asked him as we walked to my room setting my books on my desk.

“You came home and went straight to his room. You looked shocked to see me there. I figured maybe there was something you wanted to tell him,” Pat said shrugging his shoulders.

“It doesn’t matter,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“Are you sure?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I said thinking about how stupid the whole thing looked. How maybe I was overreacting, and it wasn’t’ a big deal. I mean it wasn’t like…I mean I had sex all the time. Wallace hadn’t raped me just…just made me uncomfortable. Maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal. Maybe I…

“Ok,” Pat said, “As long as you’re sure. You can talk to me about anything, you know? Even if you feel like you can’t talk to John for some reason.”

“I know,” I said nodding my head.

I don’t remember what we had for dinner. I remember reading kids to bed and then my anxiety starting to amp up. My anxiety high enough that when Debbie was done giving baths she found me cleaning the kitchen. Something she had caught on that I only did when I was stressed, really stressed.

“You need to talk about something?” she asked me as she joined me at the sink looking at the open and empty dishwasher, “You always wash them by hand.”

“What?” I asked confused.

“The dishes. You have dishwasher, hell you have maids that come in twice a week and clean your house and it’s a part of what Alice and I do. It’s our jobs to clean up daily and yet when you wash dishes you always wash them by hand,” She pointed out.

“In Montana, we didn’t have a dishwasher,” I told her, “We had me and Carmen. After John got back him too.”

“Ah,” she said nodding her head, “Was that where the habit came from?”

“I don’t know,” I shrugged my shoulders, “Just after everyone else was asleep it was something to do that was quiet. Something that helped.”

“Helped what?” she asked me.

“Give me something to do, to focus on that wasn’t…I don’t know,” I said shaking my head.

“That stuff you yelled about earlier still bothering you?” she asked me.

“I just hadn’t thought about it in a long time,” I told her, “How much trouble I’ll be in if John tells someone.”

“Tells someone what?” she asked me, and I shook my head, “Something happen that’s going to upset someone?”

“Something that happened forever ago I think,” I answered.

“You’ve been home for almost 6 weeks now. It wasn’t that long ago,” she told me.

“It feels like it was,” I answered, “It feels a million years away. None of it…I wish it didn’t feel like that. I wish I knew what to do.”

“About what?” she asked me.

“Anything,” I admitted, “Da, everything else. I wish I had some idea, any idea and I…I don’t anymore. I just don’t.”

“What’s anything?” she asked me.

“Just like life,” I answered drying a dish, “School, all of those things. Da…”

“Ah, the big D,” she said nodding her head, “I’ll be honest I have no clue what to do with or about your Dad. His rules, he’s very…dictator, isn’t he?”

“Aye,” I said nodding my head thinking about it. Thinking about how lucky I had been the night before and how I wouldn’t end up that lucky again. He wouldn’t walk away again. I knew it and I had told John that. That he couldn’t protect me. That I was going to have sex with Da that night and there wasn’t anything anyone could do to make him not…

“I’m sorry, kid,” Debbie said quietly probably reading my expression as I dried a plate with the dish towel I had before hanging it back over my shoulder, “He’s definitely a hard one to handle.”

“What about your Da?” I asked her.

“Mine? Mine was…for me, he was easier to deal with. I was his little girl. His prize. I had one contract starting when I was 14 and I was on birth control. His business partner and I was supposed to marry him too. Fucking 45 and I was 14 and my dad wanted me to marry him while he passed out my brothers. Obviously, that didn’t happen but…yeah, sucked,” Debbie told me.

“How did you end up…not marrying him?” I asked her.

“I told him if he didn’t protect Jake and hold off, just give him another 3 years give him long enough to …to be a fucking kid for once I’d never marry anyone especially not someone he fucking told me to. He didn’t. Jake turned 12 and Dad signed him away. And my dad was nasty to my brothers. When he signed them into contracts, we’re talking all summer. They were gone all summer and they didn’t fucking come home. Shipped them off with rich perverts to Greece and Italy and Spain. Shipped them off to prisons with fancy staccato walls and wrought Iron bars. Jake spent a whole year away from home when he was 14 came back around 50 pounds underweight and barely remembering how to speak English. I asked him what happened and all he could say was Der Tod Ware besser, death would be better. He was home for two weeks before he got a hold of some old painkillers and drank two bottles of vodka from Dad’s stash, gave himself alcohol poisoning and almost died,” she said.

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly.

“It’s not your fault. As you can tell I’m still bitter about a lot of it. I probably always will be. I got the better end of a raw deal. Wyatt barely talks to me and I told you what happened to Jake. The moment I have the money I’m out of here. It’s not that I don’t care about you guys but at the end of the year I’m going to get a bonus for sticking it out and I’m planning on leaving. I have someone helping me. Me and my son are going to get out and we’re not going to be coming back,” she admitted to me.

“I understand that,” I said nodding my head, “I hope everything works out for you when you do leave.”

“I hope things get better for you boys. I hate to think of you ending up as unhappy as my brothers are or were. I know Wyatt is never happy. I don’t imagine he ever will be,” she sighed.

“Your brother speaks German?” I asked her quietly.

“Yes, he did from that point on. Even though I suppose being surrounded by a language you either take a vow of silence and refuse to talk to people or you learn how to speak the language rather quickly. At least a few phrases,” she told me, “Why?”

“I know someone who speaks German,” I said my stomach feeling sick.

“Oh?” she asked me.

I nodded my head. My brain hearing what he’d told me earlier. 

“oh ok, ok kid, ok. You’re ok, you’re ok,” she said hugging me as I dropped a dish in the sink my hands shaking so badly I couldn’t hold it, “Let’s get you to bed ok? I think maybe it’s time for you to go to bed. You’ve been a big help tonight but…”

“He…” I managed before stopping myself, before somehow making everything stop as I managed to start breathing again. As something in my brain clicked and I started calming down. As I focused on the sound of the water in front of me running from the sink and focused on the smell of Debbie’s perfume. The feeling of her hands on my back as she told me it was ok, that I was ok and told me it was time for bed.

“It’s ok, take your time,” she told me quietly, encouraging me to finish as I shook my head.

“I’m ok now,” I told her.

“Are you sure? It sounds like you want to talk about something,” she told me.

“I’m fine now,” I told her nodding my head.

“Ok, well I still think it’s time for you to get some rest so how about I pull down your medications and you can take them and go read for a little while. I get off at 10 and I’ll come in and tell you turn off your light if you’re not already sleeping?” she   
suggested.

“My medications?” I asked numbly.

“Dr. Palmer wrote you two prescriptions I picked up earlier. One is an antibiotic and another one is Xanax. You know what that is?” she asked me.

“I think it’s for anxiety,” I answered.

“That’s right. One pill up to three times a day as needed,” she told me, “So you’re going to take one and get settled in for the night? That’s what you can do for me that would be the biggest help right now, ok?”

I nodded my head. I did still feel shaky, this weird unsettled feeling in my stomach like something was terribly wrong that I couldn’t name. That I couldn’t describe even though I was no longer shaking or trembling, no longer hearing his voice, feeling his…feeling his knees digging into the back of my legs. Even though I was no longer feeling hands on me or anything else. Even though I was safe.

She handed me the pills and a glass of water which I took before heading to my bedroom and opening the bathroom door. I climbed into the shower not aware of how constricting my clothes were until that moment never having taken off my uniform or loosened it that day like I usually did when I got home. My body surprising me as I looked in the mirror and at my arms and legs. As I looked at my jaw bone that was mostly hidden by my shirt collar and tie.

I didn’t remember him loosening it, but he must have dark purple spots dotting my neck as I saw the bruises on my shoulders shaped like finger marks, on my forearms where he had grabbed me and probably squeezed before throwing me down. A big bruise on my side where I had probably hit the chair or something, something I didn’t remember and then the marks on the back of my legs. It looked like I had been hit in the calves by two baseballs, the bruises black and angry looking nearly taking up every inch of skin causing my face to heat up as I looked at them. 

It made me wonder why I didn’t try harder, try to fight back harder. Why I didn’t scratch more, why I didn’t hit more. Why I had been so fucking stupid to go into a room where he could shut the door in the first place. Where he could lock the door. A room I wasn’t familiar with, a room where…I sighed feeling more pissed at myself than at him, than at anyone else and wondering how in the hell I was going to manage to explain to John or James or anyone what had happened if they managed to see me in any state of undress at that point. What Da or Lionel would say.

If they would mad at me for fighting back and getting myself bruised up or if they would be mad at him for giving me bruises because I could never tell with them. Because they changed their mind all the time it seemed like. Changed their mind on what would make them mad, what was worth punishment.

I sighed before sitting down in the tub like I usually did when I was tired, my medication probably starting to work as the water hit me trailing down my back, the sound of it hitting the tub starting to relax me, allowing me to fade away a little bit. The door opened making me jump a little bit before I even heard his voice. It was Da. I knew it was Da. Even James usually knocked or announced himself as he was opening the door where Da, it was his house. He’d just walk into any room he wanted.

“Hey Honey, are you feeling better?” he asked me through the curtain.

“I’m ok,” I answered quietly, maybe too quiet because he opened the curtain.

“Can I join you?” he asked already naked.

What was I going to say? No? What kind of question was that? It wasn’t like I had the right to turn him away again. Especially when I had just told him I was ok. Especially when he couldn’t be with John or Mike. Who was he going to turn to if I said no? Matt who I still wasn’t 100% sure where he was or if he was ok or James…James who…I couldn’t do that to them. I wouldn’t.

I nodded my head not wanting to say the word, not wanting to say yes and knowing I couldn’t say no as he offered me his hand helping me stand up. As he looked at me, looked at my naked body and he made a sound in the back of his throat.

“What happened to you, Honey? You look beat to shit. Your neck didn’t look like that yesterday,” he commented.

“I…I don’t…,” I trailed off not sure what to say. Not sure what the right thing to say was.

“What did you do?” he asked me.

“I…I didn’t…,” I stammered.

“Is this something Lionel knows about?” he asked me, “Or are you fooling around with other boys and someone got a little too excited.”

“It was my mentor,” I somehow managed, “Daddy L said not below the clothes and he…”

“OH!” Da said suddenly his tone softening, “I remember Lionel telling me about that. So, you guys decided to fool around a little bit?”

Had I decided to fool around? No. He’d…he’d forced me. Just like everyone forced me. I nodded my head in response.

“So, he just got a little bit too ex…holy shit what happened to your legs?!” he asked me.

“He…I don’t…” I said.

“You didn’t tell him no, did you?” he asked me, “Daddy L will be beyond pissed if you said no especially when you agreed that it was something you were ok with. If Daddy L said it was ok, you need to listen. You didn’t tell him no, right?”

“He …it was in the middle of class and I…I didn’t say no, I don’t think,” I answered.

“Honey, did you get nervous? It’s ok to be a little nervous especially at school but, your mentor is older, and he must have thought you were someplace where no one was going to walk in and that’s ok. Headmaster Watson has no problem with that, so you don’t need to worry about that. Just do what you know will make Daddy L happy ok?” he said stepping into the shower with me.

“Ok, Da,” I said nodding my head as he closed the curtain.

“That’s why I love you, honey, you’re such a good boy. That’s why Daddy L loves you too, you know that, right?” he asked me rubbing my shoulders as he smiled at me.

I nodded my head as he looked at me. As he leaned forward as he…there was a knock on the bathroom door making us both jump as it opened.

“Willy can I…” I heard Mike’s voice Da opening the curtain Mike’s eyes going wide in fear.

“You’re supposed to be asleep Michael. What’s going on?” he asked sounding annoyed.

“Matty…he’s in my room,” Mike said to the bathroom floor.

“Ok, fine. I’ll take care of it,” Da said, “Is he being unfair again?”

Mike nodded his head in response probably too afraid to say anything. That poor kid. He honestly just wanted to be left alone just like the rest of us. Mike watching Da’s retreating back as he climbed out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist.

“He’s mad,” Mike murmured.

“Yeah,” I said, “You’ll be ok though.”

“Are you sure?” he asked me quietly.

“He was in the shower the with me. He’ll want to finish what he started. You’ll be ok, pal, I promise,” I told him.

“Uncle Ben walked in on Matty trying to stick it in my butt,” Mike admitted to me.

“Oh,” I said.

“He got mad and told Da and Da had his friend come over and tell Matty he needed to only do that when Zac was there or someone else. I’m not sure I like Matty anymore,” Mike told me.

“Pal…” I managed as he started crying.

“I don’t understand what I did, Willy. I don’t understand why he doesn’t love me anymore,” Mike started bawling.

“Pal…,” I said getting out and wrapping a towel around me before I grabbed him hugging him, “I wish I knew what to tell you but, Matty’s sick ok? He’s sick in a way that…”

“I KNOW!” Mike shouted, “His head is all messed up. He’s only happy when I’m not happy. He’s only happy when I tell him not…that I don’t…when Zac’s around and…I don’t want to anymore. I miss him. He didn’t use to be like this and I miss him, and I need him, and he’s gone and he’s…I don’t think he’s ever coming back. I need my Matty and he’s gone! And he’s not ever coming back!”

He started sobbing. I just remember feeling like I needed to be there with him. Like he wasn’t making sense. My instincts telling me though that something was seriously wrong that I couldn’t even begin to understand even if I asked him to explain it. Sort of like how I felt like it didn’t matter how much I tried to explain what was wrong with me to anyone if I tried they wouldn’t understand. They wouldn’t get it.

I remember pulling my underwear on and shutting off the shower before I grabbed him and pulled him into my bed trying to hush him, trying to calm him down as I scrambled around finding PJ’s. I didn’t even really think about Da at that point. Think about how he was probably coming back. I just wanted to comfort him as his little howls filled my room reminding me more of when he was little tiny rather than being nine. But, as you get older you realize that nine still is little tiny. That he was little tiny, and he was hurting in such a way he couldn’t …he didn’t have the words to express it so instead he was screaming and sobbing just like a little boy would because that’s what he was. He was just a little boy.

“I’m right here,” I said once I was dressed turning off my bedroom light and climbing into bed pulling him to my chest and wrapping myself around him, “I’m right here pal, ok?”

“But, he’s gone, and I don’t think he’s ever coming back,” he managed to murmur again.

“Shhh…. that’s ok because I’m right here and I won’t ever leave, ok?” I told him, “I promise you, I won’t ever leave.”

“Everyone…everyone leaves and sometimes they don’t come back,” he said before howling some more as I held him.

“I’m right here,” I told him as I held onto him and kissed his head rocking softly with him like he were a toddler, “I’m right here and it’s ok.”

Da came back in shortly after and saw what we were doing, Da just rolling his eyes and shaking his head at us before he walked away shutting the door. Who would have known that John would be right? His idea of having Mike in bed with me would work? Probably only because he was crying so hard, crying so hard he was hiccupping. Probably because Da could tell Mike needed someone and not letting me be with him would only make Mike cry harder so he had relented but I still felt bad about it somehow. Like whatever happened to John that night was my fault when he was already so hurt and so weak and so…me sighing as I settled in with him. As his crying slowed down and he fell to sleep.


	77. Chapter 77

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will has a very early and upsetting start to the school day only for drama to follow him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2008 to 2030. There's a lot going on here . I know I was late again with posting this week hopefully next week I will be back on track. **Warnings: Rape, talk about rape and sexual assault, anxiety, bullying, mental health issues, general Will being Will** Like I said I hope by next week I'll be more updating the way I usually do in the middle of the week instead of at the end of the week **John's POV Part 2 Chapter 31**

I’m not sure what woke me up but, I remember waking early, super early. Maybe it was because I kept dreaming that people were angry with me and that Lionel knew, he knew about Wallace and that he was mad at me for it. For getting myself beat up over it a little bit because I had been stupid. Because I had been the one who had…I sighed sitting up and checking on the babies in the nursery figuring since I couldn’t sleep I might as well do something, anything.

When I went to check on the babies in the nursery Laura was already awake her little eyes open wide and very visible as she looked at me smiling. She looked like she had tossed and turned all night too me sighing quietly as I went over to check on the other four find that they were all still soundly asleep. A classic Lar move, laying there awake just watching the darkness as everyone else slept on. Content to just lay there and wait for everyone else to wake up so that she could play.

“Good morning,” I whispered to her.

“Moorling,” she whispered back smiling at me.

“You want to get up and get dressed? Get ready for Auntie Alice?” I asked her quietly.

“Mhm,” she said smiling into her teddy bear before putting it over her face as I grabbed her out of her crib and she yawned me hearing a weird muffled sound like someone might be up and moving, like maybe something hitting against a wall down the hallway somewhere.

“Stay right here,” I said, “I’ll be back.”

“Ootay Willy,” she said walking over to the dollhouse in the corner and starting to play.

I walked down the hall listening for the sound again, listening to see if I could tell where it was coming from before I thought about it. How Da probably didn’t go downstairs how it was possible and that it was early enough maybe he was moving around like he had just gotten up to shower. The thought causing me to find my way to John’s bedroom door where I tapped the door lightly before opening it. Figuring Da was in the shower instead, walking in to find Da and John in bed completely uncovered, Da’s hands between John’s leg’s his fingers very obviously insides John. John’s lips rounded like he was trying to stay calm as Da penetrated him his eyes wide in shock and probably fear as they both looked at me.

I remember my brain blanking out as I stood there in the open-door way like an idiot my brain just going “oh shit.” Over and over as I opened my mouth trying to find something to say and only managing to make a sound.

“Yes, Will?” Da snapped looking at me giving me this look like I had just walked in on him making a conference call that was really important.

“I huh…Laura won’t get dressed so I was wondering if John could help me,” I somehow managed to come up with on the spot.

“Well, John is a little busy Will, in case you didn’t notice,” Da hissed moving his body, shifting his weight and grabbing his…John making a whimpering a sound.

He wasn’t stopping. He wasn’t fucking stopping, and I was…I was right there, and he wasn’t going to…? John’s whole body shaking as he closed his eyes as he gasped as I swear his expression was pleading with me to fucking do something, to do anything to just…

“Da, she won’t get dressed for me. Some days when she’s being fussy she’ll only get dressed for John,” I said feeling myself shaking as I tried to look at anything else, anything else but what Da was doing. At how he was going to rape him right in front of me and he wasn’t going to stop, “Please Da, it’ll be quick. I thought you had to go to work anyway.”

Da grunted and huffed in annoyance sitting up and looking at me, not even bothering to cover himself, “I took the day off because your brother needs me, don’t you baby?” Da asked John as John whimpered again making me too afraid to look at what was happening.

“Oh,” shit, there was no way to get him out of this. He was just going to do it. He was going to rape him with me right there and I wasn’t sure what else to do that wouldn’t make it worse because it just seemed to be getting worse. I tried one more time hoping that maybe he’d really listen, “Just for a minute. Please, Da? Just to get Laura dressed and ready before Alice comes?”

I heard Da sigh heavily, “Ok,” he said finally relenting, “Be good ok, baby? Come right back?”

John must have nodded his head or something me hearing his weight shift as he stood up and waddled towards me ass naked his legs spread a little more than someone would usually walk, and I quietly and quickly shut the door behind him.

He probably walked a few feet away from the door before he slammed his hand over his mouth his eyes wide and chest heaving like he couldn’t believe it either. That Da hadn’t stopped when I had opened that door. That he hadn’t cared. That he was going to…right in front of me with John, John who very obviously wasn’t ok with what was happening and didn’t want to do it. John who was…

“Oh my god John,” I said grabbing his hand and pulling him across the hall before I hugged him tightly, “You’re ok.”

I felt him shake his head above me, his whole body shaking, his body that was…Pat had been right when he said he was having trouble eating his hip bones sticking out at a funny angle his ribs countable. He had to weigh maybe 90 pounds. He weighed less than I did. He looked almost like a walking skeleton. Him shaking his head repeatedly as he hugged me back, as he held onto me for dear life.

“Hey, let me go get you my robe. I know it’s a little short, but at least you won’t be naked, right?” I said before reaching into my bedroom and grabbing my robe off the back of the door and shutting it quickly, so I didn’t wake up Mike, “Better?”

God, I couldn’t even. I couldn’t imagine how upset he probably felt. How…how could Da just do that? Just not care that I was right there? That I could see what he was doing and…

John’s whole body was still shaking, his hands shaking so badly he couldn’t get the robe on me having to help him put it on and tie it as he stood there his eyes frozen wide in disbelief like he was in just as much shock over what had just happened as I was.

“Hey, you’re ok,” I said quietly looking at him.

I waited for him to respond, to stop shaking and look at me, anything and he just…It was like he was frozen. Made of stone that was somehow shivering staring straight in front of him. His eyes frozen wide as he looked at nothing, as he…as maybe his brain tried to process what was going on, what had happened.

I think that was probably the first time I realized how scary it was to watch someone do that. How my friends had to feel watching me do that, watching me freeze like that as I waited for him to just simply breathe, to just…something, anything.

“Why do you think he did that?” I asked trying to see if it would elicit some type of response from him.

“Because I let Mikey spend the night in your bed. I figured it would protect you both. I don’t like him,” John muttered his voice sounding off, weird somehow.

“I know, me neither,” I agreed, “Are you going to be ok?”

“He’s going to spend the day with me. I…he’s never done that before. Not like Leo. Leo does it all the time,” he said his eyes still focused on nothing his voice still off like something was wrong.

Something was seriously wrong, and I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t know what I could do to make it better. He was really sick, there was something really wrong and I couldn’t…

“Da can only get it up like three or four times, you know that, right?” I asked trying to find something to convince him that maybe it wouldn’t be that bad. Maybe he wouldn’t spend all day with him. Maybe he was just saying that to scare him.

“That doesn’t stop him from making me…” John trailed off his eyes still not focused.

No, no. John please, please don’t do this. I remember thinking that as I watched his face, his unmoving expression as he just…my stomach hurting as I watched him. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t…I knew what John was saying. That he just kept going. Like Cole said Lionel did. That he just didn’t stop. That it didn’t matter what John did, Da didn’t stop.

“He doesn’t do that to me. Not like that,” I said quietly, “Are you saying he makes you orgasm until you can’t?”

John didn’t answer but sighed finally shaking his head almost like he was shaking whatever he was seeing in his head away before he rolled his shoulders and started walking down the hall towards the nursery.

“John?” I said following him, “Does he?”

“I don’t want to think about it,” he answered sounding closer to normal, “I have to deal with him and tomorrow I have to deal with Leo. I’d rather just not think about it.”

“Pat’s coming this afternoon after school,” I reminded him, “You said he makes you feel better.”

I hoped reminding him of Pat might make him feel a little happier, a little more relaxed when he realized that maybe he wouldn’t be alone. That Pat would be there. That Pat cared about him, loved him and he wouldn’t…he wouldn’t be alone. That even though I wasn’t going to be there most of the day he wouldn’t be alone after a while.

He looked at me like I was being ridiculous, stupid, “I’d rather slice my skin off right now,” he said coldly, “He doesn’t even let me shower, Will. So, if we could just please get this done so I can…” he trailed off.

“Come on,” I said opening the door to the nursery to find Andy and Mac had joined Lar on the floor and there were Legos now scattered around the room, “What did you guys do in here? I was gone for like 5 minutes,” I asked them.

“You let them out of the cribs?” John asked frowning at me like I was crazy.

“Just Laura,” I answered, “Those two must have climbed out on their own. I didn’t even know they could do that.”

That wasn’t good. That meant it was time to change things up. That maybe it was time for toddler beds and that meant that Mike and Matt would be in one room. That Mike would be dealing with Matty all the time and Matt could no longer keep his hands to himself, no longer wanted to. That it didn’t matter to him anymore if Mike wanted to or not, that he was going to do it. That as far as I was concerned wasn’t a good thing. 

“Ok Firefly, did you decide what you want to wear?” John asked Laura sounding normal as he smiled down at her.

“THIS!” she nearly screamed going into the bottom drawer of one of the dressers and pulling out a bathing costume.

I snorted with laughter. I couldn’t help it. The innocence pulling me back from my worry about everything else for just a second as John scowled at the garment like it had somehow offended him before he managed to plaster a smile back on his face.

“huh, can we try something different?” he asked her.

“Ok, this mine,” she said pulling a purple dress out of the same drawer.

“Ok, we’ll try that,” he said nodding his head in approval, “Now you want to put your arms up for me big girl?”

At least they helped him too. I wasn’t the only one that being with them just made things seem better somehow me turning and grabbing a clean pull-up for Andy from the changing table before going into one of the other drawers and grabbing him a shirt and a pair of pants.

“Come here Andy,” I said smiling at him as I sat down on the floor.

“Hi,” he said coming over to me, “Mine,” he said grabbing the shirt from my hands.

“Yes, yours. Are you ready to get dressed like a big boy?” I asked him.

“We go bye-bye?” he asked me.

“I don’t know about that. You’re going to have to ask Alice,” I told him, “Maybe. We’ll see. Arms up!” I told him holding my arms up in the air like I was the one about to take my PJ top off as he mimicked me before I slid his off over his head and pulled his shirt on quickly, “Good job. Now let’s change our nappy. Do you have to potty?” I asked him.

He shook his head, “No potties.”

“Ok, then let’s get off with it and put a fresh one on,” I told him.

I changed him and then made sure he was dressed as well as Mac before I took them out to the living room and set them in front of the TV going back into my room and grabbing my uniform just as my alarm went off Mike sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

“You ok, Pal?” I asked him.

“It’s sore,” he said quietly, “Everything is sore.”

“Your bottom still?” I asked him, and he nodded his head, “Ok, I’ll tell Alice you’re in my room before I leave. I love you, pal, ok?”

“I love you too,” he said as I started shutting the door behind me my uniform hanging over my arms in its dry cleaner bag, “Willy?” he asked me quietly.

“Yeah, Pal?” I asked him.

“I know Matty’s sick,” he said going silent for just another minute, “But sometimes I really wish he wasn’t.”

“I know Pal,” I told him, “I don’t…I wish I had answers for you.”

“Sometimes I think he forgets he’s Matty and instead he’s just bad. I want him to be Matty again,” he told me before he rolled over turning his back to me.

I think that night, whatever had happened that night was the night Matty broke his heart for the first time looking back. Whatever he did that night had Mike dead convinced that the Matty he loved that loved him wasn’t coming back from where ever he had gone. At the time I don’t think I understood that. I got dressed in the living room watching the ones that were awake while I waited for Alice and fed myself the lift opening and Alice’s eyes going wide in surprise to see three of her five charges dressed the youngest of the three waddling towards her happily.

“Hi Mack baby! What are you doing awake?” she asked him before turning to me, “Seriously Will, sugar? What are they doing awake?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” I told her thinking about how lucky I was that…that Da hadn’t. But how tired I still was and how stupid I still felt feeling lucky that I just didn’t have to deal with Wallace that day.

“Rough, night?” She asked me.

“Depends on who you talk to,” I told her.

“Usually you aren’t such a cheeky little thing Sugar,” she told me giving me a small smile, “What’s going on?”

“Da came into my room after I had a crappy day yesterday and then Mike came in and Da left. He spent the night with John instead,” I told her, “I couldn’t sleep so I…Laura was already awake.”

“Child, why you always waken up at the crack dawn girl?” She said, “That girl is always awake before I get here. You know that, right?”

“I know,” I said nodding my head in agreement.

“John still sore and home for the day?” she asked me.

“Yes ma’am,” I said.

“Mike and Matty too?” she asked me.

“Yes, ma’am,” I told her.

“Here Mack go play,” she said putting him down as he wandered off, “come here, boy.” She opened her arms and gave me a hug, “Don’t worry about your brothers I’m here. I’ve got it ok? You just focus on you for once. You worry too much Will sugar. Let me do some worrying, ok?”

I nodded my head. It was her way of telling me she had it. It didn’t help any really but, at least she tried. I would be worrying the whole time I was gone though. Especially because Da was taking the day off so he could be with John. So, he could…my brain feeling scattered and stupid as I got on the bus looking around and spotting Quinn before I sat down in the seat next to him.

“You look like shit,” he told me flat out.

I’m not sure if it was how he just said it so bluntly or what, but I laughed a little bit as I looked at him, “Thank you. You’re looking pretty good yourself.”

“Thanks for noticing,” Quinn said smiling, “I tried, this is my “I climbed out of bed threw on my clothes and ran my fingers through my hair look. I’m glad you like it.”

“This is my I barely slept look,” I told him.

“As compared to your “I kind of slept” look?” he asked me.

“Yes,” I said nodding my head, “Can we start drinking coffee soon?”

“I already do. Dad just doesn’t know it yet,” Quinn muttered, “So you had a bad night?”

“I just couldn’t sleep,” I told him.

“Does that have something to do with yesterday?” Quinn asked.

“I don’t want to talk about yesterday,” I said shaking my head.

“Understandable,” Quinn said, “You’re mostly ok though?”

“For now,” I said, “Did you have a bad night?”

“Usually is. Dad brought home some more boys,” Quinn said.

“Last night?” I asked him shocked.

His dad just took in more kids in the middle of the week from Lionel, just like that? Like it didn’t even matter? Like it wasn’t a big deal? Like they were just pieces of furniture he had brought home from the store.

“Well, one of them was already…he’s in and out of the house usually, Cal but, he’s home again now. He seems like he’s ok. He brought home a little guy though. Little tiny. Like I don’t even know what Dad is doing. Probably the reason why he let Cal come home though so someone is there to take care of him. His name is Noah. Cal and he share a bedroom now and Rick and Ryder are in the same room. It’s weird though. He didn’t even tell me it was happening just…left the house and came back around 6 with food and them,” Quinn told me.

“How are Rick and Ryder doing?” I asked him.

“Honestly they’re relieved and beyond happy to have Cal back. He was gone for nearly three months. I asked him where they had him and he didn’t really…he doesn’t want to talk about it. Or he won’t, or he can’t and just…,” Quinn trailed off.

“So, they aren’t upset?” I asked Quinn.

“No. Dad usually bothers them less when they share a room. At least you know…at night. So…for them it probably makes them feel safer to be together,” Quinn told me.

“Do you share a room with anyone?” I asked him.

“Why?” he asked as he turned to look at me.

“I’m just curious. I have my own room. I mean that doesn’t mean I’m usually alone. Like last night Mike was with me and sometimes I end up with James with me and…yeah,” I added.

“I have my own room. Usually alone just in…,” Quinn trailed off.

“Just in case what?” I asked him watching his face.

He shook his head, “Just contract shit, home shit. Stupid fucking shit, shit,” he whispered.

“Have you talked to Todd about it?” I asked him.

“About what?” he shot back.

“That you’re very clearly…stressed?” I gave him a small smile.

“Oh,” he said, “Sorry. No, he’s got other stuff going on. Sam’s not nice and neither is Julian. He might want to talk to you about it. Just to have someone else to talk to about it so he can…you know just vent a little bit.”

“To me, it sounds like you might need to vent too,” I told Quinn.

“No,” Quinn shook his head, “I’m ok. Trust me, all right? I’m ok.”

“Are you sure?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” Quinn said nodding his head, “It’s not like he’s taking pictures of me and trying to get one his pervert buddies to sign me to a modeling agency.”

“What? They do that?” I asked him.

“Sam is a talent agent,” Quinn said.

“Isn’t that fancy way of saying pimp for rich people looking for underage girls to pose nude for pictures?” I asked him Quinn smiling.

“Probably,” he agreed, “Don’t tell Todd I said anything.”

“Wait, what? He’s…he’s trying to get…for Todd? He’s trying to turn Todd into a model?” I asked him.

“According to Todd, he said that by the time Todd is 15 if he works out he’d be prime for it. His eyes and something about his bone structure. Even though asshole told me the same thing over the summer too so who knows? Todd hates it though, he says it almost every time he sees him. It’s making him a nervous wreck,” Quinn told me.

“Well, I mean. I talked to Debbie, one of our nannies,” I answered his questioning look, “She said that one of her brothers was signed into a contract and gone for a whole year. So apparently you don’t even have to be a model for them to just take off with you. Your handler just has to agree to it.”

“Shit,” Quinn muttered shaking his head as the bus pulled up to the school. I saw Quinn relax a little bit as he saw Todd smiling at him. His eyes almost doing that same thing John did whenever he saw Pat for the first time that day.

“Hey,” Todd said, “You ok, Will?”

“Yeah,” I said, “Why?”

“You just look kind of…” Todd stopped folding his arms in front of himself looking for the right words, “Like you slept in a closet with a floor made of cold stone. You look exhausted.”

“I didn’t really sleep,” I answered, “Quinn just told me I looked like shit. Thank you for being more diplomatic.”

“Well, Quinn does have a way with words,” Todd said nodding his head as Teddy exploded in laughter.

“Yeah, totally,” Teddy managed, “Are you doing ok?”

“Quit asking me that,” I said shaking my head as I flipped him off.

“Oh, thank you. I’ll save that for another time though,” Teddy said winking at me.

“OH! Do you two have…?” Quinn asked me smiling.

“No?” I shook my head.

“You swear?” Todd asked looking at Teddy.

“Oh, I swear,” Teddy said, “I swear more than a sailor that accidentally walked into a gay bar.”

“What?” Finn asked coming up to us the expression on his face completely funny.

“Teddy being Teddy,” Todd said, “And how are you this morning?”

“I’m fine,” Finn said, “A sailor accidentally walked into a gay bar? Is that the start of some weird joke?”

“Just…” Ted said shaking his head, “never mind. There’s nothing going on, ok? Nothing, nothing, not…”

“ok, we got it,” Todd said, “We’re sorry ok? I’m sorry.”

“We’d…,” I started to mutter, “We’d get in trouble. Real trouble.”

“Does that mean you wa…” Quinn stopped as Todd elbowed him in the stomach lightly, “Never mind.”

“Ok, well. Since we know everyone is fine or at least claiming they are should we head towards the school building?” Finn asked.

“Huh, Todd can I talk to you for a second?” Quinn asked “Alone?”

“Oh yeah,” Todd said nodding his head probably a bit enthusiastically before they walked away from us.

“Do you think he’s going to cop a feel?” Teddy asked.

“I honestly don’t know,” Finn said shrugging his shoulders, “für jeden sein eigenes.” (to each his own.)

I didn’t mean to, but I outwardly flinched. Not understanding why but, it suddenly sounded like nails on a chalkboard. My heart rate picking up slightly as I heard it as it got hard to breathe to think…for some reason all I could hear was his voice, telling me it wasn’t under my clothes that it wasn’t…

“Will! WILL!” Teddy said suddenly shaking my shoulders, “Thank fucking…you can’t do that! You must stop doing that! Ok? You can’t…you scare me when you do that, ok?”

“Do what?” I asked.

“You did your freeze thing,” Finn said quietly as I noticed different people watching, paying attention a couple of them brotherhood and some of them civilians.

I remember feeling embarrassed about it. Everyone watching not sure if they were watching because Teddy had yelled at me or because I had frozen. The bell ringing signaling the beginning of the school day. I remember feeling stupid. So, fucking stupid that I…I wasn’t even sure what was wrong. Why I was just…why I was so fucking pathetic.

“Will, it’s ok,” Finn said as Teddy shook his head taking off towards the school building looking like he was pissed at me.

“I didn’t…”

“He’s not mad at you,” Finn tried to assure me, “You ok? Can you tell me what happened? You only do that when you’re stressed. Is this about yesterday?”

“I don’t know,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t know.”

“Maybe you should have stayed home? Did you talk to anyone about it? Your brother? His friend?”

I shook my head. Of course, I hadn’t. I’d come home to find out John was seriously beat to shit, Pat was beyond stressed about it and then Da was…Da was Da. What would any of them do about it anyway? What was I supposed to…supposed to do about it?

“You need to talk to someone who you trust, ok? You can’t just walk around and not…” I cut Finn off.

“He told you what happened, I’m sure he did. So, you know,” I told him, “So someone’s been told. So why does it matter if I say anything to anyone when you know, and I know you know.”

“Because you should. You should have the right to decide who knows and he took that away from you when he told me, ok? You telling someone might…”

“No, I don’t want to tell anyone because no one can change it. It happened, and I need to get over it. It wasn’t even that…”

“He almost … it’s bad Will, ok? And he’s done some pretty shitty things to me,” Finn told me, “I’m going to try and take care of it ok? I want you to know that.”

“Don’t do anything,” I said shaking my head and now it was my turn to walk off.

I understood that he wanted to help me. That he understood Wallace better than anyone. Better than even me but, I just I didn’t want to think about it. How stupid it made me feel that I had believed Wallace would actually listen and not break the rules again. Because while he could claim it was above my clothes because he hadn’t pulled down my underwear he’d still pulled down my pants. He’d still… I shivered walking down the hallway towards class tripping over something and going tumbling nearly headfirst into the tiled floor a bunch of people laughing as I righted myself.

“Hi, Harem boy. How are you lately?” Dan hissed at me.

“Leave me alone,” I said standing up, “I’m not in the mood.”

“Oh, come on, you’re a slut. You’re always in the mood,” Dan said as Julian laughed.

“Leave me alone,” I repeated.

“Why should I bitch? You messed up my fucking grade. I’ll be lucky to get a C this semester you fucking little whore. I should shove my foot up your ass and make you lick my toes.”

“I…,” I didn’t know what to say, “I’m sorry. I didn’t even try.”

“Pfft,” Julian snorted, “I think that just makes it worse. Maybe you should find another way to apologize?”

Danny frowned at him, “I don’t want to go anywhere near any of his holes.”

“Oh, come on, he’s a slut. He’ll probably end up thanking you,” Julian said giving Danny a look as he gave me a smile that made me feel sick inside. The bell rang, and I tried to hurry away to class Julian following me a couple paces behind.

“fuck no. No, no…” He wasn’t …No, I didn’t need…no. I wanted to fucking scream. No, I …no. No, please just go away. Just go away. Just go away, just go…

“What the fuck? Julian, why are you being such an asshole?”

“Did you forget I have this class too, Finn? Or have you gone retarded?” Julian hissed behind me.

“Don’t think I don’t see the fucking look on your face. You sit anywhere near either of them and I hand your ass to you,” Finn said.

“Like you could,” Julian muttered.

“I have a brother and if he thinks you’re looking where you aren’t welcome to look you better believe someone will be dealing with it and they won’t be as nice as I will. You won’t be able to eat anything that doesn’t come through a straw if he hears about what I just saw so knock it off,” Finn said.

“You wouldn’t,” Julian said behind me sounding afraid.

“I just might on principal considering,” Finn said, “So back the fuck up.”

“You little shit,” Julian said.

“No, see I’m not the one who has the reputation of that going right now. So back the fuck up,” Finn said grabbing my elbow gently, “You ok?”

“I…,” I sighed raking the hair back from my face, “I forgot he has this class with us.”

Finn sighed looking at me, “Todd’s already inside, go chill out, ok?”

I nodded my head. I couldn’t believe how scrambled my brain felt. Even though usually on the days where we had Bellington in the morning and didn’t meet with our mentors Julian usually sat in the back of the room somewhere and I sat near the front with Todd and Finn. He did have this class with us. Todd frowning at me as I came into the room.

“You ok?” Todd asked me as I sat down, “You’re really not having a good day, are you?”

“Julian,” I muttered shaking my head.

“What about him?” Todd asked seemingly oddly calm considering I had just blurted out the name of one of his rapist.

“He …him and Danny looked at me,” I said.

“That doesn’t mean anything, Will. He looks at everyone. Just breathe, ok. I’m sure it’s fine,” he tried to reason with me.

“He called me a slut and said I should find a way to apologize to Danny for ruining his grade other than just saying I was sorry,” I said.

“I’m not sure I understand,” Todd said looking at me confused.

“I said I didn’t mean to ruin Danny’s grade in Cadrick’s class. He said I should apologize in another way and Danny said he didn’t want to go anywhere near my holes. Julian said I would probably like it because I was a slut,” I summarized, “And then I forgot he had this class with us and kind of freak…”

“He said that you?” Todd asked looking visibly upset.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head before I shrugged my shoulders, “He’s right though. I am.”

“Right about what?” Todd asked.

“I’m a slut,” I said Todd shaking his head vigorously.

“No, you aren’t. You aren’t a slut,” He tried to assure me.

“Then why...,” I trailed off.

“You mean why all the handlers first and then Wallace and now…,” Todd trailed off and I nodded my head, “Because that’s what they do. Because they see that the handlers want you and aren’t willing to share and so then they all kind of jump on the bandwagon. Because they figure once the higher-ups are done with you they’ll have a chance to take a turn.”

So yeah, I was a slut. A slut they all wanted and were all waiting on. If they hadn’t thought I was a slut before as soon as Lionel released the new video, he had shot of me with Ted and Luke they would. I couldn’t stand the thought of them seeing it.   
Especially when Wallace started talking about what I had let him do on top of that at school.

My life was fucking ruined. All because I was a fucking slut. His fucking little slut his…

“Hey, hey…,” Finn whispered beside me grabbing my left hand under the table and squeezing, “No scratching. I don’t know what’s going on today but I’m right here. No scratching ok? I don’t want you hurting yourself.”

I hadn’t realized I was doing it, scratching at myself like that. I don’t even remember what happened in class that day other than Finn holding my hand. Holding my hand because he didn’t want me hurting myself. I don’t remember a lot from that day until probably around lunchtime at some point. A commotion of some kind happening outside the lunch room before I heard some fighting going on a bunch of guys going out into the hallway.

“THE FUCK!” I heard Todd scream looking at Julian.

“He said he was looking for his brother,” Julian said an amused smile on his face.

“YOU…” Todd was so angry he was shaking as I noticed the little blond head of hair staring at them.

He looked more confused than scared my heart nearly stopping as I saw his face watching them before he saw me, his face softening a little bit, “Willy, what’s wrong? I cam…”

“Where’s your teacher, bud? What are you doing?” I asked him rushing to his side and picking him up.

“Huh, dude,” I heard a voice I knew, “I think you should…”

“David, not right now. Get the away from us,” I told him holding him closer to me.

You must understand James was six years old. He was a little boy and most of the guys in my grade he probably made it up to just below their chins with around a 12-inch difference. The taller guys he was probably somewhere level with the middle of their ties his full height ending at the top of the v on their vests because he was a six-year-old. He was very visibly a lot smaller than most of the nearly 250 guys moving around during our lunch hour which was a 7th and 8th grade combined lunch. Some of the tallest guys he may be reached just above their belts. 

He was wandering alone without an adult or someone else looking for me. And these weren’t all just civilian boys either. There were a good number of brotherhood kids around and some of them like Julian who apparently had been with him were trackers. Trackers who would do…god knows what the moment they had a chance to hurt him.

“He said he knew where you were,” James told me.

“Who?” I asked him.

“The guy, the guy the other guy just yelled at,” he said pointing at them to where they were still yelling as I walked away, “He said he was your friend.”

“He’s not my friend. He’s not a good person. You shouldn’t be here. Why are you here and where is your teacher?” I asked him.

“Daddy didn’t go to work,” he told me.

“I know,” I said, “I know but…bud…why are you here? What’s going on?”

“John’s sick and Daddy stayed home,” he said again like I was supposed to know what that meant as someone walked up to us, David again, “Do you mind? I told you to stay the fuck away from my brothers what are you doing?”

“I just think you should take him out to the square, ok? People are watching you. A teacher is going to come out here and you’re going to get in trouble he’s not supposed to be on this side of the middle school doors especially not without an adult,” David pointed out.

“Yeah, no fucking kidding. Thanks!” I hissed at him.

“It’s him,” James whispered into my ear.

“I know,” I said to James quietly, “Now you’re upsetting him. Could you leave me to deal with this? Obviously, he felt he needed to find me for something and you being here isn’t helping.”

“And your protector and that pervert fighting in the hallway is?” David said.

“Not…” I sighed as Finn came up looking at me and frowning.

Finn hadn’t met any of my little brothers at that point I don’t think. Especially not any of my much younger brothers Finn looking between my face and James his eyes darting back and forth a couple of times before he managed to speak, “I didn’t know you had a kid.”

“He’s one of my brothers,” I said, “Finn, this is James. James, meet Finn.”

“Is he your friend?” James whispered into my ear.

“Yes, bud. He’s my friend,” I told him Finn giving him a smile.

“Hi there,” Finn said, “What are you doing over here with the big kids huh? Shouldn’t you be in the lower school?”

Just the way he asked him made me want to smile. Like he was also very concerned for James’ safety.

“Can I talk to him?” he whispered in my ear.

“Yes,” I said, “He’s my friend it’s ok to talk to him.”

“I needed to tell Willy about Jack. Jack was sad the morning,” James answered him Finn frowning.

“John,” I explained.

“Ah,” Finn said, “I see but you shouldn’t be here by yourself, ok? You should have waited until you were home or told your teacher and I’m going to tell you why. Some of the guys around here they aren’t nice like Will and me. They’re mean. They would see that you’re young and they would trick you and be mean and maybe even hurt you so next time you need to talk to Will during school tell a teacher ok? Or maybe come find me. Or…can I go get them?”

“Teddy and Quinn?” I asked, “He knows Teddy.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, he’s my friend and Luke’s my friend. Luke’s in my class,” James told him.

“Ah. Well, should I go see if Todd is done getting ready for a WWF smackdown?” Finn asked me.

“Probably. If you could …or someone could stop that before Quinn gets involved and then Fathers are called that would be…ideal,” I said.

“We’re done,” Todd said starting towards us, “Some bitch ass oh…sorry. Hi kid, how are you?”

“Who is he?” James whispered into my ear Finn laughing as he looked at me.

“He does that. He’s shy,” I answered.

“Well, we know where he gets it from big brother,” Finn said smiling at me, “This is Todd and the guy behind him is Quinn. Guys, this is Will’s little brother James.”

“He looks just like him,” Quinn said shaking his head in shock, “like ju…”

“We’re aware,” I said, “These are my friends too.”

“Right,” Finn said, “If you need Will again during school don’t just come behind the door or if you do don’t come to anyone but us or Teddy ok? We don’t want you getting hurt. Quinn and Todd have little brothers too ok, you can trust them and me and Teddy but don’t trust anyone else.”

“The other guy was bad?” he asked still quiet but loud enough for us to hear.

“He wasn’t nice, right,” Todd answered, “Did I scare you?”

James nodded his head at the floor his cheeks turning pink as he hugged me.

“He is so cute,” Quinn said.

“I didn’t mean to scare you, James, seeing you with that guy scared me though, ok? No one wants you to get hurt and like I said that guy isn’t nice. He’s not nice to me and I’m a lot bigger and a lot stronger than you so I …” Todd said his body starting to shake.

Quinn hugged Todd whispering something in his ear as he squeezed him gently and nodded his head.

“Did I do som…”

“No,” Finn said shaking his head and smiling, “You didn’t do anything wrong, James. Everything is ok. Todd’s just a little worried. Like he said he got scared seeing you with someone who might hurt you. He has little brothers your age and I think just the idea that someone like that could hurt you upsets him because it reminds him of his little brothers but it’s ok. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“He looks sad like Jack,” James told me.

“Why was Jack sad the morning?” Finn asked.

“I…” James looked at me.

“Guys, thanks but I think we need to…” I motioned with my hand for them to go.

“Right,” Finn said still smiling, “Well James it was nice to meet you. Remember that if you need Will you come to us or you wait until you get home, but you don’t trust anyone else, can you do that?”

“Yeah,” James said nodding his head, “I understand.”

“Good, we’ll see you later ok?” 

“Ok,” James said as the three of them walked away.

“Ok, now I know why John was sad this morning bud, so why are you telling me about it?” I asked him.

“Daddy didn’t go to work,” he repeated.

“I know Da didn’t go to work but… what does…”

“He made him go downstairs. Da made him go downstairs as I left for the bus,” James told me.

I wished I could say I was surprised but, I wasn’t. Not with Da. When it came to John nothing that happened between him and Da surprised me especially not after all the things John and I had discussed with Julie in Montana.

“Ok, bud,” I said nodding my head, “Is that all?”

“Do you think he’s mad at me?” James asked.

“Who? Da?” I asked him.

“No, Jack,” he corrected me.

“Ok, well again we’re supposed to call him John because calling him Jack just makes Da angry and we don’t want Da angry and second I don’t think there is anything you could ever do in a million years that would ever make John angry with you. Same with me, ok bud? Remember how we talked about that, how I wasn’t ever mad at you and I was just…there was a lot going on?” I reminded him.

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head, “You’re not angry with me now for coming to your lunch?”

“No,” I said shaking my head, “No one is angry with you. Ok? Now, I’m going to walk you back to class where you belong. I will deal with John and what’s happening there when I get home, you don’t need to worry about any of that ok? That’s for me and Alice to worry about.”

“But he was really scared, and he wanted to pretend he wasn’t, but I could tell,” James told me.

“I’m sure he was, and I know you came to tell me because you want to be a good brother but, Alice and I will worry about John. That’s our job. Your job is to worry about yourself and go to school and be in class when you’re supposed to be, ok?” I told him.

“But, he was reall…”

“Really scared,” I repeated, “I got it. Let’s get you back to class, ok?”

“Ok,” James said as I set him down and held out my hand for him to take.

“You shouldn’t do that again,” I said after we went through the double door and back to the square before you got to the different school wings, “That was dangerous ok?”

“Because of the bad people?” he asked me, “Like Daddy L?”

“Yes,” I said, “Like Daddy L.”

“Oh,” he said as I walked up to the lower school doors and opened them a couple of TA’s walking around one of them spotting us.

“Oh, thank the Lord! Where …who are you?” One of them asked me.

“His older brother,” I told him as he did the eye thing again which was getting annoying and then nodded his head at something, “Can you tell me how he managed to slip by all of the adults in this building and find his way to the middle school wing unsupervised?”

“He asked for a bathroom pass. We use the buddy system the bathroom is right down the hallway the biggest kids on this side of those doors are only 4 years older than he is and very often not a threat. It teaches the buddy system and responsibility. We think he slid past his buddy,” the guy told me.

“Not good enough. On my side of that set of double doors it’s…” 

“Ok,” he said grabbing me by the elbow forcing me to drag to James with us as he lowered his voice, “What’s your rank?”

“V,” I told him as his question gave himself away.

“Then, he’s not in a lot of danger,” he told me.

“He’s in enough,” I told him standing my ground, “That is not ok. No child his size should be on their own. Not one. There are guys my age who aren’t very nice. Who would…”

“They would teach me,” James said, “I don’t like being taught like that. It hurts.”

I gave the TA a thin-lipped smile and gestured at James with my head.

“Not officially,” he told me.

“Ok, do you know who I am?” I said taking a deep breath and hating myself for just saying it, for thinking about saying it.

“Someone who feels like their brother is more important than any of the other six-year old’s in this building?” He asked me.

“No, look at my fu…look at me. Do you know who I am?” I asked him again.

He stared at me for a minute like he was thinking about it, thinking hard about it before his eyes went big for a second, “Ok. All right? Well, what do you want me to do?”

“Do your job and keep my brother safe because guess what? He’s important too. He gets hurt anything happens to him and it’s on headmaster Watson and he’s going to point to you and your friends. That falls on your head. So, keep him here,” I said walking past him and walking James to his classroom door.

“You’re my brother,” James said.

“What?” I asked him.

“You asked if they knew who you were. You’re my brother,” James repeated.

“Aye,” I said glad he didn’t understand completely what I had been getting at, “I’ll see you at home ok? I love you.”

“I love you too Willy. You’re going to make sure he’s ok, right?”

“Yes,” I told him, “Go to class, go play.”

I sighed watching him open the door and walk into the classroom the sight of a habit surprising me a little bit. We were in the boy’s school. Mostly, the sisters were on the other side her habit trailing in the air behind her slightly as she came up to me.  
“Who are you?” she asked me.

“His older brother Will,” I told her.

“You’re not supposed to be here,” she informed me.

She was younger than you’d expect her to be probably around Da’s age and she looked very displeased to see me. She didn’t look mean, but nuns have this thing where sometimes the meanest of them don’t really look that mean until you make them angry.

“He’s not supposed to be outside those double doors alone yet here we are, sister,” I told her.

“Oh, one of those,” she told me giving me a small smile her eyes cold, “I wonder what the headmaster will think finding you on this side of them.”

“Call him up and let’s see what he says when he finds out I was escorting my six-year-old brother who I found alone on his own with no adult on the other side of the middle school doors where there are some people who aren’t very nice and wouldn’t have his best interest in mind approached him. Let’s see what he’ll think when he hears I was making sure he got back to where he was supposed to be safely,” I said feeling a lot braver than I had ever felt in my life her smile faltering.

“Very well,” she told me, “Make sure you find your way back to where you belong.”

“I’m already doing so,” I told her turning around and walking away.

I swear the TA’s all watched me go and continued to watch me until I was well down the hall and back in the square. When I got back into the lunch room the hour was almost over the first bell had probably already gone off Finn coming up to me when he saw me.

“Is he ok?” Finn asked me.

“Yeah, he’s worried about John,” I told him.

“Todd’s still…” Finn trailed off.

“Can you blame him? I mean after what Julian did? You know what he did,” I said.

“I wasn’t blaming him. I was saying he’s still a little shaken up. Ok? Todd has every right to be upset and you do too. That’s your little brother,” Finn said.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Yeah. Other than being a little shaken up because of all the people he didn’t know and Todd’s overreaction which I don’t blame him for, James is fine. I swear. I walked him back to class and he’s ok.”

“Are you sure?” Finn asked me.

“Yeah, Julian didn’t do anything to him. He would have told me if he had,” I said positive of that fact. Positive of the fact that Julian hadn’t laid a hand on him.

“Ok,” Finn said, “Are you ok?”

“I’m not happy he managed to get here unnoticed by any adults but, otherwise I’m cool,” I told him.

“All right well, time for class I guess?” Finn asked me as I nodded my head and we headed towards our next class.

I was less than happy to know Julian had been anywhere near my little brother and Julian had only looked at me. Julian had raped Todd. Todd had said so himself and I know when people who treated me that way went near my brothers I got a lot more than upset his reaction of yelling at Julian and then probably pushing him totally justified in my opinion. I was grateful that Todd was looking out for my brother. That all my friends wanted to look out for my brother.


	78. Chapter 78

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will gets home to find that John is having a hard time. He spends time with John and Pat only to be woken up later that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2030 to 2055 A lot goes on here and it's pretty graphic, it's obviously horrible **Warnings: Rape, forced brother/brother incest, father/son/son incest, forced threesome, forced kissing, forced oral, forced anal, mental health issues, anxiety** So yeah it's that chapter. **John's POV Part 2 Chapter 31**

The rest of the day from what I remember was school work and uneventful. Everything seeming to go ok as my anxiety grew the closer to going home it got. Why would James be so worried about John that he had to stop his school day to come tell me what was going on? What had happened, what had he seen that morning that he thought I needed to know what was going on before I got home? I remember being anxious as I waited to get home, as I went straight to John’s room after school. 

I found him passed out in Pat’s lap, Pat stroking his hair when I opened the door his eyes half closed as John snoozed. I sighed sitting down on the floor quietly as Pat noticed me.

“How is he doing?” I asked.

“I just got him to go to sleep probably about 15 minutes ago,” Pat answered shaking his head looking like he was about to start crying.

That wasn’t good. The fact that Pat was on the verge of tears wasn’t a good sign me taking a big breath knowing I had to be strong, that I had to be strong for John because if Pat couldn’t do it someone had to.

“What happened? When I left the morning Da said he was taking the day off to be here. James came to me in the middle of school and told me about it. He asked me if John was mad at him. I told him no and explained but…he managed to get to me unsupervised,” I said.

“Wait as in no adults? No teachers?” Pat asked me.

I nodded my head.

“That’s …,” Pat trailed off shaking his head.

“Yeah a tracker got a hold of him one of my friends saw what was happening. I don’t even think he realized it was my brother, but they almost got into a fight. I think he just saw the tracker, his name is Julian with a kid and …Todd flipped.”

“Is he ok? Is everyone ok? That doesn’t seem like something James would do at all.” Pat asked me.

“Yeah, everyone is fine. I thought it was weird too, but he kept insisting that it was because of John. Because he felt like John was mad at him for some reason. How do you think John is doing?” I asked him.

“When I came in he was crying, hard. Really hard like I don’t know what happened other than a couple of things he told me but, he doesn’t usually tell me things unless it’s really bothering him, and he just can’t take it anymore. He kept muttering that he wanted to just be left alone. I think it’s just too much for him right now. Everything going on.”

“I know he doesn’t talk about things. Like you said it doesn’t usually help him. Usually it just upsets him more. I know that. What do you think is going on that…”?

“I think it’s just too much. Between your Da and Leo he’s just worn down. Like I said he usually doesn’t tell me things until he can’t take it anymore. I think he just…he needs space and he’s not getting it.”

“What do you mean? What did he tell you?” I asked him.

“Well, he said your Da made him kiss him. He has told me other things I don’t think he would like me repeating because you’re his little brother and they are kind of private.”

“Wait Da makes John kiss him all the time. I’ve seen it. I don’t know why that would trigger a breakdown,” I said frowning at him.

“Well,” Pat sighed, “I think maybe your Da made him…” he held both his hands up palms open and fingers spread facing each other and moved them almost like he was rubbing an invisible ball with them, “Actively kiss?”

Eww. I’d never seen Da not make John activity kiss though honestly. He had a way of making John…I don’t even think John realized he was doing it but, he had a way of making John relent. Making John give him what he wanted. We’d even talked about it a little bit with Julie how it was almost like John was flirting with him sometimes. Acting a certain way to appease Da. To make things easier and how John hated himself for it. Hated the fact that he did that, and he didn’t know why.

Julia told him it was a survival tactic. That his brain remembered being that little boy that wasn’t allowed to say no and push him away and knew Da would be angry if he didn’t at least seem half interested so his instinct was to…flirt a little bit. Seem like he was just playing “hard to get” to make Da believe he was getting what he wanted and that it worked and there was nothing wrong with John doing what he had to in order to survive even if it made him angry with himself.

“Gross,” I muttered thinking out loud, “I don’t know. I know Da is different with him. I know that. I’m not stupid but John doesn’t really tell me a lot about it. We talked about it in Montana a little bit. I just kind of figured after that it wasn’t something John was comfortable talking about. He doesn’t talk about a lot of stuff like you said. Not like you and Cole do. John doesn’t like hearing about things unless he has to either. Just really thinking about it, I think really upsets him.”

“Yeah well, you’re his baby brother. He’s tried so hard to protect you for as long as you remember and probably longer than that. It hurts him to have the fact that he can’t protect you from them or anyone else thrown at him constantly. That’s why he doesn’t like discussing it. I know everyone is just looking to vent and try to understand what’s going on because that’s how people work things out. A lot of people that’s how their minds work but with him, it hurts him. They do some really bad stuff to him that you haven’t been subject…”

“Wow,” I said looking at John to see if he was awake, see if he was listening shaking my head at Pat telling him I didn’t want to get into what had happened that I had or hadn’t been subjected to.

It still hurt to hear him say it. Did I have to deal with whatever sick twisted games Leo put him through? No, but I’d dealt with Leo. Did I have to deal with Hank all the time and had Hank raped me? No, but he’d… There were a lot of things that Pat knew about and other things that he didn’t.

Cole might have told him some things but, Cole wouldn’t have told him everything. The stuff with Ted. He wouldn’t have told him that. He wouldn’t have…there were a lot of things Pat didn’t know. He thought he knew what it was like but, he didn’t.

“He makes me make movies you know? And I’ve been to parties. Not just Da’s parties. What more is there?” I asked him.

“A lot,” Pat answered, “Like you know that one night where they covered his eyes and ears and tied him up and did stuff?”

“All I could feel was them. I felt them I…,” I said closing my eyes and breathing deeply trying to keep myself from freaking out, “I remember how he acted after that. How he shuddered and twitched and every time anyone looked at him he screamed at us not to touch him. I understand that, ok? I understand.”

Pat frowned at me, “When? You…when?”

I shook my head, “It doesn’t matter. It’s scary ok? It’s scary and seeing him like that was scary and feeling like that is…it’s scary. Climbing out of your skin because you …it sucks.”

Pat looked at me in silence for a couple of minutes as I sat there feeling my body shake. As I tried to keep myself from feeling them, from hearing them. From thinking about everything that they had…everything they had ever done to me because Da had let them, because Lionel had wanted them to and allowed them to. As I tried to let it all fade away to a dull roar repeating in the back of my mind.

“Stuff like that happens all the time,” Pat said, “What they did to you, they do that stuff a lot. They make you make videos with friends. They aren’t very nice. Not at all. And we’re treated better than lower ranks. Some lower ranks are kept in cages when they aren’t being abused. When they’re not being raped. They apparently have done a lot of other things to him but, like I said I’m not going to repeat. Apparently, nothing can convince your Da that we aren’t fucking around though, and I think that might be part of it. Even though we aren’t.”

“What makes you say that? If he really thought you were he wouldn’t even let you come over at all,” I said shaking my head thinking about how much that would hurt him. How he’d…again and I couldn’t. Or maybe Da really did think that was what was happening and the only reason why he let Pat keep coming over was because he knew that’s what John would do if he didn’t. 

If he didn’t let Pat keep coming over he knew John would try to kill himself again and he was afraid of it. Afraid of losing his “baby” his fucking toy because that’s what he was to him. He was a toy and he was killing him. And he knew it and he didn’t care as long as he eventually got what he wanted from him, from us.

“Something John said before he fell asleep,” Pat said after quietly and gently running his hands through John’s hair for a minute, “Something that…that makes me feel guilty,” Pat finished his voice cracking.

“What was it?” I asked Pat looking at him and shaking his head.  
“Your Da won’t let him shower. Wouldn’t let him shower because he wanted me to be able to smell him on him. To smell your Da on him because …He said he’s sticky everywhere. He tried to hurt himself. I’m not sure if it was on purpose or what but he was scratching at his arms again. I had to stop him,” Pat told me.

Yeah so, he thought that’s what they were doing, and he wanted Pat to know. To know that John was his and for John that was…that was something he never forgot. That Da would never let him not think about even for a second. Even when he wasn’t there he wanted John to know that… that he belonged to Da. 

That’s what had caused his break down. Not just Da making him kiss or Da raping him but the fact that Da had outright …that Da had denied him the right to shower so everyone else would be just as aware of how much Da owned John as John was.

“Da always lets me shower after,” I muttered without thinking about it.

“He tells me I…I shouldn’t be ashamed,” I heard him whisper, “That we didn’t do anything wrong. That I should want to be able to …to still feel him, smell him.”

“How long have you been awake?” I asked frowning at him as he laid with his head still in Pat’s lap, Pat still running his hands through John’s hair as John laid there with his eyes closed.

“A couple of minutes,” Pat told me.

“How could you tell?” John asked opening his eyes that were still red looking still a little wet even though he smiled at Pat.

“You squeezed me a little tighter,” Pat said bending double over his own lap and kissing John’s forehead.

He loved him. He loved my brother. He truly loved him. He smiled at him rubbing his shoulders gently as he looked at him.

“Are you going to be ok?” I asked John.

“Yeah,” John said scooting up, so his head was resting more on Pat’s chest than his lap, “Yeah, I’m just tired. I can still feel him everywhere. It’s sticky. I…”

“I know, it’s ok Rabbit. It’s ok,” Pat whispered holding him.

“Can I get you anything?” I asked him, “Food? A wash cloth? A drink maybe?”

John just shook his head his voice cracking as he spoke, “He’d just get pissed…he…he’s…he said he’s coming back later…s…so I probably shouldn’t…”

“Shouldn’t wash?” I finished for him feeling my anger that was wanting to explode.

He shouldn’t have been able to do this. It wasn’t right. Not to John. Not after everything. He had no right to make him…to do this to him. None. John closing his eyes and turning his head away from me clinging to Pat as Pat stroked his back.

He was killing him. Da was killing him and Da was too…too something to see it. To see what he was doing to him when he supposedly loved him so much…he couldn’t imagine being without him. When Da and bawled in my arms like a fucking infant when I had found John with his both his wrists slit because he was trying desperately to get away from him. From Da and everything he was putting him through.

“Will?” Pat asked, “Can you grab him some clothes maybe?”

I frowned, what? Pat had…no way…, “He’s not wearing clothes?” I asked as John turned to look at me.

“We’re not doing anything like that. He’s wearing your bath robe, ok?” Pat told me, “Just grab him some PJ’s I think they’re in the bottom drawer.”

I sighed relaxing a little bit. Of course, he hadn’t. He wouldn’t do that to him. Not when he was like this. Not when he was…that seemed more like Pat.

“I know where they are,” I said nodding my head.

“Thank you,” Pat said smiling at me.

“I…I don’t…I don’t want him to,” John muttered into Pat’s chest starting to cry.

“I know,” Pat said behind me as I reached into his drawer and grabbed one of the biggest shirts I could find and thickest pairs of sweat pants that I felt wouldn’t fall off when he stood up, “It’s ok.”

“NO,” John screamed loudly, “He’s going to do it again and again and I don’t want…I don’t want him to. Not with Leo tomorrow and I…Leo tomorrow and I can’t. I can’t do it again. Not again, not …god FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!” he started screaming repeatedly as I turned around watching Pat squeeze him as he clung to Pat his whole body shaking.

“Shhh…. Shhh…It’s ok. It’s ok Rabbit, it’s ok. You’re all right and I’m right here,” I heard Pat mutter as they squeezed each other, “I’m right here. It’s ok. It’s going to be ok.”

“Huh, maybe I should…” I shook my head.

“Don’t YOU DARE!” John suddenly screamed at me.

It was weird. Him reading my mind. I meant I thought I should leave but I was already thinking about it in the back of my mind. How he couldn’t deal with him again. How while yesterday was Wallace and I had to deal with him again tomorrow I had experienced a pretty good day other than James scaring me a little bit. I could handle Da. I could handle Da that night and I wouldn’t be any worse for wear because of it but, if Da did it to John…to John who he seemed to be slowly torturing…

“Yeah,” Pat nodded his head in agreement, “Don’t do that. He has anti-anxiety pills. He can take one and it’ll help calm him down. Not so your Da can…you know but, just so he’s not dreading it, not freaking out. So, he can like numb out a little bit.”

I wasn’t going to let Da rape him that night. I wasn’t. It wasn’t happening.

“John,” I said, “You can’t do this. You’re crawling out of your skin and you have to deal with Leo. You said so yourself. At least he lets me shower it away after he’s done. At least I don’t have to let it sit on my skin. At least I get to wash it away.”

“Will, he’s been protecting you his whole life. He would rather die than see you step up and take his place,” Pat told me shaking his head.  
I didn’t care anymore. Maybe I needed to do more to protect him. Maybe that was a part of the problem and why he wasn’t really talking to me anymore, why I was so isolated because he knew I wasn’t really protecting him and he subconsciously resented me for it. Maybe keeping things from him wasn’t enough anymore and I needed to do better. To do more if I could.

“He’ll die if he doesn’t find a way to get a break. You think I don’t know Leo? You think I haven’t heard things? My friends have older brothers too, some of them older than you. Leo is a nasty piece of work. He shoves rods inside people, Vic told us that remember? I don’t know….” John started shaking his whole body shaking as his chest started heaving in this weird way, this way that didn’t seem… “Oh GOD, John, JOHN! I’m sorry I didn’t mean to…I didn’t mean to, come on. Don’t…come on please, please…come on…”

“Stop!” Pat said putting his hand up, “Hey John, it’s ok, just breathe. Just breathe. Shhh…Shhh…” 

Pat moved him, rolled him on his side as his shaking…he wouldn’t stop shaking. I didn’t even think he was doing on purpose Pat cooing to him softly as his body started jerking in this really weird way and Pat hopped out of bed leaning over the side of it on his knees as he put a bunch of pillows up against John’s back to cushion him, “I think he’s having a seizure you need to go tell your Da and have him call Vic, ok?”

“That’s why he’s twitching like that?” I asked Pat and he nodded his head.

“Seizures can be caused by stress just like asthma and other stuff. He did this before. Tosh saw it. Vic said to keep an eye out for it. When you mentioned that apparently it hit a really be nerve,” Pat said continuing to rub John’s shoulder.

“I’ll go call Dr. Palmer,” I said getting up and walking down the hall towards the kitchen Alice turning around as she shut the fridge door smiling before she saw the look on my face and frowned.

“Will sugar what’s…”

“John’s having a seizure. You need to call Dr. Palmer,” I said quickly.  
She didn’t even respond instead picking up the phone and dialing, “Hello, can I speak to Dr. Palmer please? Tell him it’s a…yep, thank you. Hello, Dr. Palmer this is Alice Greene the McGregor’s nanny. The oldest I think he’s having a fit. A seizure. His little brother said he is. I don’t know…I don’t…ok. Will, sugar come on,” she said handing me the phone.

“Ok, what’s happening that you think he’s having a seizure?” Dr. Palmer asked me sounding rather calm even though there were some shuffling sounds on the other side of the phone.

“Well, he’s blinking rapidly and shaking, like this weird twitching type of shake. He’s just not…I…he’s been out of it for a while from what I understand. Pat said he’s been crying and on and off since he came home from school and …”

“Ok, yeah, I’m on my way. I need you to do something for me though. Find his prescription it’s Ativan 1mg tablets I need you to put one in his mouth and even if you have to let it dissolve I want you to give it to him give him one wait 10 minutes if the seizing doesn’t stop you give him another one I’m on my way now,” Dr. Palmer said and hung up the phone.

“What’s going on?” Alice asked me.

“Watch the kids,” I said taking off down the hall again.

I knocked on the door before I opened it surprised to see John was no longer shaking even though he still looked out of it, “I called Vic. He said he’s coming but he wants John to take his pills. At least one.”

“Yeah, he’s going to take one,” Pat said, “Can you grab some water?” Pat asked me as I nodded my head going into the bathroom and heard Pat moving around.

“No Babe,” I heard John manage a halfhearted protest, “They make me so tired.”

“Yeah well, you are beyond exhausted because like you’ve told me before you don’t sleep with them close to your skin. Because it’s too hard to. I know for a fact you didn’t sleep last night. You are beyond tired, and I can tell and it’s probably one more reason for what just happened so, you are going to take the pill because I love you and I’m giving it to you. Afterwards I’m going to sit here and make sure everyone leaves you alone until I go home, ok?” Pat told him.

I smiled a little hearing that. Hearing Pat telling him what he needed to do because the only one who told John what to do was Da and it was usually something to hurt him. Instead Pat was there in the sternest voice he could muster telling John he was going to do something. That he was going to take his pill because it would help him and not just because it was something he wanted him to do. Me coming out and handing him the water.

“Here you go. Open up,” Pat said as John rolled his eyes but opened his mouth Pat dropping the pill in and making John take a big drink from the glass, “Now we’re just going to sit back and chill, ok?”

John nodded his head before Pat helped him sit up and removed my robe handing to me as he helped John slide his t-shirt over his head and climbed back into bed with him even though he still didn’t have any bottoms on Pat pulling the covers over both of them as John curled back up in his arms.

“Are you ok John?” I asked him.

“Tired,” John answered, “It’s warm.” He said rubbing his face against Pat’s chest.

“Is that the…?” I trailed off Pat smiling and nodding his head running his hands through John’s hair.

“They work kind of fast for some people and he’s not exactly in top shape right now so…just ignore him,” Pat said.

“You smell like Chocolate,” he muttered into Pat’s chest.

“I know Rabbit, just close your eyes for me, ok? Get some rest,” he tried to assure him.

“They can make you high that fast?” I asked frowning at my brother. How did someone smell like chocolate?

“Huh, yeah. Benzo’s can be pretty powerful. Some of those will knock you on your ass,” Pat said as John whispered something into Pat’s neck giggling and Pat smiled, “Thank you, Rabbit you do too.”

“What did he say?” I asked him.

“I think I’m going to keep that one to myself if you don’t… HEY! Hands sir,” he said John giggling even more.

“Sorry, it’s nice,” John muttered.

“Huh, eww,” I said.

“No, it’s not. He went to grab my ass,” Pat told me now fighting with John a little under the covers, “Rabbit, please?”

“I just love you,” John said sleepily as the little struggle stopped.

“I know. I know you do but I think now is the time to just close your eyes and relax ok? Can I just rub your back and your head and just you relax? Can you do that for me, no more grabbing?” Pat asked him quietly pulling one of John’s hands out from under the covers and kissing the back of it softly.

“Mhm,” John said nodding his head and yawning sleepily.

“Good,” Pat said kissing John on the lips a quick little peck.

“It makes you like high, high?” I asked him.

“It can yeah,” Pat said as John closed his eyes and let out a deep and content sigh.

“He grabbed your ass?” I asked Pat.

He smiled and blushed slightly nodding his head, “It’s ok. I’m all right. He didn’t mean it.”

“Are you sure you guys haven’t… you know?” I asked him.

“Wow,” Pat said, “I was not expecting that question especially right now.”

“I’m just curious. You know I have with someone,” I told him.

“Ok, but it’s a little different talking about me and your older brother. I’m not a virgin you know that” Pat said.

“Is he though?” I asked Pat again.

“I’m not saying either way,” Pat told me shaking his head.

“Don’t kiss and tell?” I asked him.

“It’s safer,” Pat said, “trust me. You get involved with anyone without permission you keep it to yourself, always. Don’t ever kiss and tell. I mean it’s one thing for your friends to know that you’re a bit huggy, cuddly, touchy-feely it’s a whole different ballgame in our world to admit you’re taking off your clothes together in private without permission and it’s something you’re not doing with anyone else. You understand what I’m saying?” 

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

I had an inclination that was his polite way of telling me to fuck off and that it was his business what John and he had and had not done at that point in time. Pat was pretty open about most things, but I think for him that was a subject he had decided he did not want to get into with anyone that it didn’t concern. Probably because he had seen how things had happened between Cole and Justin.

That they had fallen in love. And while not everyone had known what was going on a couple people did know and it was enough. Just those few people were enough that the wrong people heard about it and the consequences had been deadly for someone that not just Cole but Pat and their whole crowd had really cared about.

Pat sighed to my silence, “it’s nothing against you, Will, ok? Just I don’t get to keep a lot of things private. None of us do and if something had happened between John and me I’d like to keep it between us even if you’re just asking because you’re curious or because you care about your brother’s safety and his health. I love him, and I’d never hurt him. I’d never force him to do anything he didn’t want. I’d never ever purposefully put him in danger. Ok?”

“Yeah, I understand,” I said nodding my head.

“Ok,” he told me, “I didn’t mean to snap I just…with Justin and Cole, it was a lot to watch that fallout, I told you that.”

“Yeah, I remember,” I said, “Can I ask you something about…all of that?”

“You sure you don’t want to wait for John to normalize a little bit and ask him? He is your big brother it’s normal for you to ask him things like that, about sex,” Pat told me.

“Can I ask you?” I asked again.

“Yeah,” he said, “Go ahead I’ll do my best.”

“How did you know what you like more?” I asked him.

“What I like more?” he asked me as I felt my face flushing.

“Like you know how there’s…how someone is sticking it in and someone else is…having it…stuck in them. How did you know which one you…like more?” I asked him.

“OH!” he said, “Ok. You’re sure you’re gay?”

“Yeah,” I said.

“Well, usually it’s a top and bottom. Bottom is the person who is being penetrated and top is the person doing the penetrating. In my experience with all that most people switch back and forth. Especially in a stable relationship like say Vic and Flynn. One-time Flynn will be penetrating and then the next Vic would and so on…just depends on who is in the mood to…yeah. However, there are hard or solid tops or bottoms meaning that’s what they do all the time and they don’t really switch it around.

I don’t have a lot of experience with me doing that type of stuff because I want to but, I’m sure if you ask Cole he can clarify if I don’t get this right or it doesn’t make any sense to you. It’s like trying food. You decide with someone that you both want to be together and you try different things and see which one you like best. If you like being on top and your partner likes being penetrated, then I’m going to assume you’re a top and if it’s the opposite you’re probably a bottom.”

“What if you…penetrated someone but not with your you know, and you really liked it?” I asked.

“Then maybe you’re a top and that’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with that. Everyone is different. Even in heterosexual sex a woman can dominate in the bedroom. Don’t tell Dee I told you this but, she could get kinky. She’d handcuff me sometimes and just sit on me and…yeah. I mean I personally enjoyed it myself. It was usually kind of awesome but top mostly just means you’re the one dominating when in that respect. Knowing everything you know about me a little surprising, no?”

“Very,” I agreed.

“Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t tell most people that,” Pat said, “But when I tell you I would never hurt him I mean that. It’d be his pace, he’d be in charge. Ok?”

Oh. OH. I took that to mean Pat would give John the chance to top if that’s what he wanted. That it would be about what John wanted and not about Pat climbing on top and John and just but about what John decided he was willing to do. That things would only go as far as John was willing to take them when and if it got to that point. That maybe that was the reason why it hadn’t gone that far already was because John wasn’t ready. Because Pat was waiting for John to make that move.

There was a knock on the bedroom door after a while, a light one Vic opening the door quietly, “It stopped?”

“Stopped before I returned to give him the meds,” I told him.

“Good,” Vic said, “Good. Did he fall asleep shortly after he got them?”   
“Yeah like half an hour ago,” Pat told him sitting up slightly getting ready to move.

“No, you’re ok Pat stay where you are. I’m just going to take his pulse and I think we’re going to be letting him rest as soon as I get that,” Vic told him grabbing John’s wrists and looking at his watch.

We waited in silence as Vic watched his own watch before letting go of John’s wrist who moved in his sleep as we sat there and waited for him to say something, “He’s ok. He’s ok. Probably just stress. I’m going to go talk to your Da in a little bit though. Before I do that though Will can I talk to you about something I overheard at my office when someone came in for a broken nose?”

“Someone has a broken nose and it has something to do with me?” I asked him confused.

“James,” he said Pat frowning as Vic sat down in John’s desk chair, “I’m not supposed to repeat what I heard but I heard that there was a very specific little boy caught wandering around on the wrong side of the middle school doors earlier and a certain young Mr. Rodgers found him wandering where he was then socked in the face by Todd McQueen. Who, apparently is in very big trouble. Do you care to tell me what happened there?”

“Julian’s a tracker,” I said.

“I got that feeling from some of the things he said which I’ll get into later, continue,” Vic said.

“James for whatever reason felt like he needed to tell me about what was going on before he left for school. How Da took the day off to stay with John for a while and how John walked James downstairs or at least that’s what he made it sound like and how he was kind of stand offish about it. I mean, I would be too considering what was happening.  
He decided he needed to tell me apparently went to the bathroom ditched his loo buddy and came to tell me all about it without an adult. Julian found him, and he said he was looking for me. Julian told him he knew who I was, and he was going to bring him to me. Todd saw Julian with him and I don’t think Todd knew he was my brother but just knew he was a little boy and Julian is…Julian and he started swearing and then apparently slugged him.”

“So, you didn’t give James any permission to leave class?” Dr. Palmer asked.

“NO! Absolutely not? Are you off it? You know how dangerous it is for boys at that school especially his age. You know what Julian could have done to him? No way in hell would I eve…”

“OK! Ok, calm down. I was just checking,” Vic said, “Keep him away from Rodgers though and yourself, ok?”

“Yeah, I got that feeling this morning,” I said, “Thank you for the warning.”

“You’re welcome. I said I wouldn’t say anything, but I already told Mr. Lord about some of the stuff I overheard Julian saying and his father,” Vic said.

“Do we want to know?” Pat asked.

“Average handler and tracker stuff. Oh, if I had gotten that kid alone…etc.…nasty whatever, whatever. I’m sure they are going to hear an earful considering James is about to be the leader's boy in a couple of months,” Vic said.

“I don’t understand what this has to do with me,” I said.

“You have to be joking,” Pat said shaking his head, “He can’t be mad at him for something James did on his own.”

“I don’t know if he is. He didn’t say one way or …”

No. I…no. Everything else going on was bad enough. John being broken down was bad enough and Lionel was about to be pissed at me for…and what if he asked Wallace and Wallace told him about…? No, no.

“Vic, go,” Pat said carefully moving so that he didn’t wake up John.

“Why what…oh, Will, you need to ….”

“I’VE GOT IT!” Pat snapped, “Go.”

“Pat, I understand that you’re just trying to help them but…”

“NO! OUT!” Pat snapped again finally successfully untangling himself from John’s sleeping form and coming over to me as I held my arms out for him, “You want him to leave?”

I nodded my head. I didn’t want to believe it but, it was probably true. He had probably been mad at me the entire time and everything was just…that’s why he’d let Chad and…that’s why Wallace wasn’t getting in trouble. That’s why everything was happening. It didn’t matter how many videos I made, how good I was he just hated me. He hated me for leaving and he…he wanted to make sure I always knew it. Just like Da.

Just like how Da had screamed at me, told me it was my fault and that he wanted me gone. They just…and everyone was just going to make excuses for them. No one really cared. Not anyone that could help.

“It’s ok. You want to go lay with John for a while?” Pat whispered to me and I nodded my head.

“Give him a pill,” Vic said, and Pat nodded his head as he walked Vic out of the room.

I don’t remember getting a pill, but I remember Pat staying and talking to me about other stuff. Stuff that didn’t make me think about him until dinner. Pat ate dinner with us and then left to go home and we ended up sitting down and watching TV. I can’t remember what we watched that night, but I think it was possibly Buffy the Vampire Slayer. 

John slept. He slept through dinner and through bath time for the little ones who ended up in bed at 8 and bedtime stories for Cat and James who went to bed at 8:30 and then Mike and Matt, Mike who had already gone to bed around 8 because he was so tired for some reason and Matty who went to bed around 9 leaving me laying on the couch as I watched Alice move around before I helped her clean the kitchen. After that, she left.

She kept asking me if I wanted to talk, needed to talk as my brain raced 120 miles a minute. As I thought about everything going on with John and then Wallace. Why Lionel hated me enough that he would let Wallace have me after he was done with me. Why Lionel hated me so much that it didn’t matter what I did or how well I did it I was always in trouble, he always hated me. 

I went to bed thinking about that. All those things and somehow yet I still managed to fall asleep. Just barely but, I did. Or at least I thought so until heard a sound, someone yelling or something. At first, I thought it might be me dreaming but I decided to get up and check, make sure John wasn’t having a nightmare. He did that sometimes, I think we all did that.

Had nightmares. In Montana it was hard. The nightmares. Julie said it was because our brains knew we were safe now, that it was our subconscious way of letting go. Letting go of everything they made us do. Years of Da, and years of…him climbing into our beds at night when we were supposed to be safe. When mum was too tired to stay awake anymore, too tired to even make it to her own bed because she had two toddlers and a handful of infants with little to no help. Years of him making us feel those things and not understanding what was happening but knowing that it scared us, that it was something we didn’t want, and we were sure deep down it wasn’t ok, that it wasn’t right.

It took months for James to quit wetting the bed every night and for Mike to stop waking everyone up in the middle of the night screaming, crying for John because he knew John would keep him safe. That only stopped when John finally came home from the hospital. From his three-month-long hospital stay. There were nights where I had been the one to be shaken awake because I was screaming because I had woken the whole house. 

I remember being tired but wanting to make sure he didn’t need me, that nothing was wrong. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me it might be Da. Maybe because I was too worried about my own stuff, but I remember knocking on the door a hand shooting out and grabbing my arm hard, hard enough it hurt before yanking me off my feet and into the room causing me to land on my knees in the center of the floor.

It was so fast it took me a minute to realize what I was looking at. That Da was naked, and John. That the door was locked, and John was shaking. His body shaking super hard as he clutched at the sheets holding them to his chest his eyes wide as he looked at me shaking his head slowly from side to side.

I remember thinking it was a dream at first. Rubbing at my eyes I think I said something but, I’m not sure. I don’t remember.

“Da,” John said looking at him, “Please? I really would prefer if we didn’t.”

Didn’t what? I remember thinking that, didn’t what? Was he going to do it again? Make me watch again?

My stomach dropping as I sat on my knees frozen in the middle of the floor looking at John trying to read his expression, how his voice seemed so calm, but his eyes seemed to be screaming. Screaming at me to …to anything and me feeling so confused I couldn’t move. My brain not connecting what was happening until I heard Da say my name causing me to turn and look at him.

“Will. Come here, Will,” he said dropping whatever he had been holding in front of his nakedness exposing himself, his erection as he held out his hand to me.

“Da…” I said hearing John echo my whisper, my plea as it finally dawned on me what was happening.

He wanted me to…with him. Right then. With John in the bed and him and…like Lionel made me do with him and Teddy. Like he made me do while Tony filmed us and then…no. No.

“No,” Da shook his head looking at me, “You said you two would and I want to. So, come here, Will,” he said as he sat down on the side of the bed his body in front of John’s as he looked at me.

That was true. Before we left we had told him we would if he kept Lionel away from James and he hadn’t. He hadn’t protected James even a little bit. That deal had been to get him to protect James not just because. We hadn’t said we would do it just because but now it…that’s what it was. It was because he wanted it and if we didn’t… If we didn’t let it happen it’d be someone else. Just like him, just like Lionel.

I don’t remember moving towards him I just remembered little A. Little A crying when Lionel bent his fingers backwards, James screaming as he said he was going to…if I didn’t touch him. If I didn’t do as I was told. All I could see was Eddie looking at me while he cried covered in the stuff from all the boom guys and camera men. Watching me as he stood in front of the counter on the wall, the counter that…that labeled the things they were going to do to him if I messed up.

The next thing I remember I was standing in front of him his knees pushing against my hips as I stood there, not sure…not sure what I should be doing. Not sure what was safe, what he wanted from me. If I should hug him and kiss him first or if I should just…just stand there. His hands grabbing the hem of the t-shirt I was wearing to bed. A blue T-shirt with the Tasmanian Devil on it from Looney Toons and pulling it over my head, him somehow pulling me close even though he didn’t move his knees. Them hurting, him hurting me as he started kissing me. Kissing my neck, my shoulders.

“You’re going to be a good boy for me, aren’t you honey?” he whispered in my ear as I stood there frozen not sure what I …not sure what I needed to do. What he wanted me to do his hands at my waist, undoing the draw string on my pants, his hands going down the back of my pants and…

“You know what to do. Be good for Daddy. Pretend it’s one of your movies,” he muttered before sliding his tongue into my mouth pulling my pants down to my thighs where they just started to slide down on their own. His hands massaging my backside, my…my ass. His kiss getting more aggressive as he just kept slobbering on me, on my neck, my chest.

I hoped maybe he would just stop there. But he had already said what he was planning to do, and he almost always kept his word. I remember just trying to breathe as he…his hands everywhere, his nails digging into my back as he drooled on me before we moved, before he pushed me forward over the side of his leg and grabbed John hard by the elbow before grabbing the nape of his neck hard like Lionel liked to do to me when he kissed me forcing me over his knee almost like he was about to spank me as he pulled John’s face towards me.

John was so close I could feel his breath on my face Da looking at us both before he said in a low growling voice, “Kiss. Do it or I’ll go get Mike and we can try it with him.”

Of course. Of course, it would be Mike because it wasn’t bad enough his one brother was raping him. Da had to force his other brother to do it too. The one that he…one of the ones that he cried for when he couldn’t sleep. One of the ones that he trusted more than he trusted anyone and Da had to turn that one against him too. 

I couldn’t let that happen. Nothing would allow me to think it was ok for that to happen. John was going to do this. He was going to do this with me no matter what it took.

“It’s ok,” I said looking at Da who nodded his head at me and moved his leg down, so I could crawl onto the bed and lay next to John as Da loosened his grip on John’s neck. I rubbed his shoulders trying to get him to relax trying to get his eyes from looking so big, so terrified, “Just…”

I closed my eyes before I did, before I felt his lips against mine afraid for a second of hearing Tony’s voice, of seeing a light flash behind my closed eye-lids. Of someone grabbing the back of my neck in return. Afraid of hearing laughter, hearing the comments from the boom boys or the camera men. Of it being like every time I’d ever had to with someone close to my own age John keeping his lips closed.

I think Da pinched the back of his neck making him gasp, making him inhale my tongue a little bit the warmness of his mouth making me feel like I was going to throw up for some reason as I tried to push the thought away that he was my brother. My older brother that I was…that I was making kiss me like that as I moved to lay on top of him my body on top of his as he laid there with his legs spread his whole body jumping slightly as he almost went to sit up as I pulled away.

“That’s my boys,” Da said smiling at us as he grabbed me by the elbow, “Other side Will, just scoot over, off him please, honey.”

I climbed over him, so I was closer to the wall instead of near the door Da on his other side saying something to him as he pushed on him lightly making John move more into the middle of the bed, “Ok, Will, kiss,” Da said and I felt myself sigh. It was the last thing I wanted to do but it was a lot better than making Mike do it. Anything was better than making Mike do it.

I remember resting my hand on John’s collar bone and leaning forward trying to do what I was told before Da tapped my shoulder rather roughly to get my attention, “No, not quiet. More like…” he licked down the side of John’s body to his nipple somehow managing to curl his tongue around it before sucking on it John’s whole body jumping like he had just been electrocuted as he closed his eyes.

“What?” I remember muttering feeling disgusting about the idea of John’s nipple in my mouth, of…

“You can do it, or I’ll go get Mikey,” he warned me again.

No, I wouldn’t…I wouldn’t let that happen. It didn’t matter how gross it was, it was better than Mike doing it. Anything was better than Mike or James having to do this. I nodded my head before I bent forward and licked John’s chest pulling his already erect nipple into my mouth trying to be careful of my teeth.

It wasn’t the first time I’d licked a nipple. It wasn’t the first time I’d been naked in a bed with more than one person even. It was just…weird. My brain not able to work its way past the fact that it was John’s nipple in my mouth. Not Teddy’s, John’s. John’s nipple this was…

“WOAH!” John said as he jerked a little bit jerking up into my mouth causing me to sit up and jerk away.

“No baby, just relax. This is about you. We want to make you feel good,” Da said grabbing him by the wrist hard before he looked at me, “Will, listen to me, not to him. He doesn’t know what he wants.”

That was a lie. He…, “Da he doesn’t want me to,” I said already knowing what Da was going to say. That I was…

“You do it or else someone else is going to, you understand me?” he grunted, “You both agreed to this a while ago and we haven’t done it yet. So, now you’re going to.”

“Yes, Daddy, I understand,” I said squeezing John’s hand.

His hand that was shaking so hard, so hard it …I thought he was going to have another seizure. I didn’t see how he wouldn’t. Not if his seizures were caused by stress and he was already so stressed out he’d had one earlier that day. I didn’t see any of this going well. Not for anyone.

I wanted to cry, to scream and…but I couldn’t. If I did any of those things it probably would be met with a very hard smack to the ass before he did something, something bad like he had done to mum. Like he had done to me for that camera in my room and then he’d probably tie me up and make me watch him make Mikey. And I couldn’t…if that happened I’d never be able to live with myself. Not ever again.

Instead, I did the only thing I could think of to keep myself calm, to keep myself from making him even angrier and I buried my head against John’s neck trying to focus on his scent, focus on the fact that I wasn’t alone. That I was doing this for him, that I was doing it for Mike and it would be ok if I just did it. If I just let it happen and I just…I just did what I was told.

“I…I’m so sorry,” I whispered against his neck keeping my face there as I tried not to cry, as I tried to pull it back inside, telling myself that it was more important that it wasn’t Mike. That Mike didn’t need one more brother doing that to him. That that would be the last thing he ever needed. So, I needed to keep it together.

“Me too,” John said not moving as he laid on the bed next to me flat on his back squeezing my hand back as much as he could in response to my grab before I gave him a peck on his cheek before I started kissing down his neck like Lionel always did to me, before I…before I started sucking at his skin and heard Da make a sound of excitement.

“That’s right, let him know how much you love him,” Da murmured watching me. Watching me kiss him. Watching me kiss his collar bone. John’s body jumped as Da started kissing his nipple again and I took my time kissing his chest, working my way towards his other one as Da did his own thing me looking down for only a minute before seriously regretting it as I saw my Da fondling him. John’s body squirming like he wanted to get away from Da, get away from his hands, get away from me and what I was being forced to do.

Da started kissing down his chest away from his nipple biting slightly into John’s skin making him hiss and hum under his breath every time Da sunk his teeth into John’s flesh. I think the thing that scared me the most was the sounds Da was making, the moaning and grunting on top of John’s sounds. John sounded more scared and more desperate where Da sounded like he was enjoying it. His kisses and nibbles seeming more aggressive along with sounds the farther down John’s body he got.

Eventually he stopped, nudging me, hitting my shoulder hard enough to send a small sting through it before giving me a look and pointing to a spot-on John’s lower rib cage, meaning he wanted me to move away from his nipple and kiss him there. Lick him there. I remember looking at John’s face his eyes closed and his chest heaving as he gripped the headboard sticking his hands through some of the slats and squeezing. Squeezing hard like he was trying to keep himself as calm as possible as he bit into his bottom lip. Like he was trying to be quiet, to keep himself from screaming from moaning. 

“Do it,” Da said grabbing me hard by the back of the neck and yanking me towards the spot hard enough to hurt my neck, hard enough to make my ear ring. It felt like John’s body was shaking under my fingers as I laid my hand against his shoulder, so I could move towards where Da wanted me to be kissing his stomach right beside his belly button.

“Do it,” Da told me again as I moved trying to do what I was told, reminding myself that if I didn’t it would be Mike. That it couldn’t be Mike. It had to be me. 

I remember feeling sick to my stomach and swallowing hard, swallowing as that sour taste started coming up my throat like I was going to throw up. As I stuck my tongue out and licked level with John’s belly button until my tongue was in it, in his belly button and John gasped almost like he had been holding his breath. Holding his breath for as long as he possibly could because he didn’t want it happening. He didn’t want to have to feel it happening.

“That’s it,” Da muttered reaching out and touching my head with his one hand, “Those are my boys. Show each your brother how much you love him. How much we love him.” He said to me before he leaned down so he was almost even with me putting his hand on the side of my face to move it lower, to tell me to move lower and he took my one hand placing it against John’s thigh, against his right leg using his hand to make me run my hand up and down John’s leg.

I knew what was happening. I would have had to be beyond stupid not to know what was happening. That I was going to…that he was going to make me …make me kiss him. Kiss him there. Put my mouth there and I…if I didn’t. If I didn’t it would be Mike.

Da moving down licking and kissing his stomach with me, his belly button. John moaning slightly even though I could tell he was trying not to. That he didn’t want any of it. That he didn’t want me there and he didn’t want Da touching him, making him do that. John’s chest was heaving so hard his whole body was moving, his stomach moving as his lungs filled with air as he panted heavily.

“Feel good?” I heard Da ask him as he sat up wiping his lips and smiling at John, “Can’t speak?”

“Yeah, that’s it cum bucket, cum for us, come for me,” Da said after watching John’s face for a minute before he nudged me with his hand, shaking my shoulder, “Come on,” he commanded making me stop and sit up slightly, sit up looking at him.

“We’re going to make him feel good. You promised,” Da reminded me again like I needed another reminder of what I had said. Of who I was protecting by just doing this, doing what he was making us do. What he was making me do to John, “Do it, come on.” Da said shoving my head lightly towards John’s penis, towards his shaft looking at me like he expected me to do just do it.

It took everything in me not to barf as I reached my tongue out of my mouth and put it against his skin. His whole body jumping as he made this weird humming sound, a sound like maybe he was in pain as the bed shifted under Da’s weight and he wrapped his hand around the tip of John’s penis and started playing with it even more than he had been before. He started doing this weird thing to his…his body.

Putting his mouth along the side of John’s shaft and sucking on it repeatedly almost like how a fish nibbles at your fingers when you stick them in a fish pond. John’s legs going straight like he was trying to get Da to stop, trying to almost block our mouths, his whole body shaking as his knees bent and unbent repeatedly. Da’s hand cupping John’s penis where my tongue had been a minute ago as Da cleared his throat to get my attention causing me to look up at him.

He gestured with his head at John’s tip at his…, “Do it,” Da said meaning he wanted me to put my mouth there. To put my mouth over his glands, to suck on him, to give him a blow job. 

To give my own brother a blow job. A blow job he didn’t want that I didn’t want to give. A blow job that Da wanted. And I…my stomach feeling sick as had to fight the urge to scream at him squeezing John’s thigh a little bit as I looked at Da. 

“I don’t want to Da, please?” I barely managed to whisper my chest felt so tight.

Da’s face went from one of calm to his eyes flashing, flashing like a toddler about to have a fit and push someone over because they had just taken his favorite toy from his hands. His voice more of a growl than a whisper, “Do it or I’ll force your head down and make you fucking choke on it. Do you understand me?”

I imagined John what he would do if Da did that. How hard he would fight how we would both be in trouble and all of things that could go wrong if I…if I didn’t just do it before I bent down. Da moving his hand as mine replaced it as I started to…as I slid my tongue down his shaft and…

The skin is always weird, it always tastes weird and super salty and then like something else that I can’t explain but…it wasn’t as salty. It was different. Not a good different or a bad one but, one I wasn’t expecting. John’s body jumping slightly under my touch. He had already been hard at that point, long before that point Da rubbing the back of my head as I did it. As I worked my throat open around him and then started bobbing, allowing him in and then sliding back off and out of my throat over and over, doing it the way that I had learned how. The way Da had taught me how.

“That’s it. Always suck a cock slut. You were made to have cock in all your holes weren’t you honey? That’s why everyone wants you because you’re so good at it. You know exactly how to please a man, don’t you honey?” Da muttered his hand on the back of my head as I…as I worked my way up and down his shaft with my mouth something on my tongue spasming as John’s whole body moved before I tasted it the sensation of egg whites on my tongue before I pulled away trying not to gag, not to throw up.

“Those are my good boys,” Da said, “Swallow.” 

I looked at him. Of course, I was going to swallow. He wouldn’t have had it any other way the feeling of it almost going up my nose for whatever reason making me cough and gag a little bit. It wasn’t as salty. I remember thinking that, it reminded me of Teddy’s kind of. Just the way it …the weight of it on my tongue. The texture of it and the fact that it was really not that salty or thick. Something about it always tasted slightly different from an adult’s. Like it was easier to swallow somehow and felt less like it was choking me as it slid past my throat.

Da smiled and grabbed my arm hard moving, getting off the bed trying to pull me on top of John. I remember it taking what felt like a few minutes to click what was going on. What was happening that he was…I’d never been on top with Teddy, with anyone but…but Beau and I…I pulled slightly in the opposite direction trying to scramble away. I didn’t want to do it and I didn’t want to do it like that.

Da grabbed my leg trying to pull me over top of him, gripping hard enough he was hurting as I tried to make him stop, as I tried to pull away and make him stop.

“Da please?” I heard John say as he tried to sit up under me, “I don’t want to.”

I looked at him looking at Da, shaking his head at Da. He looked like he wanted to cry, I could see that even in the darkness. I could see that he was going to start crying.

“Come on, it’ll be fun. How often have you topped baby, once? You don’t do it and I’ll make sure neither one of you forgets it. You want to go hang out in the red room, isn’t that what you call it? I’ll lock you both down there in that cage until you’re begging me to let you out. Fuck every single one of them in front of you until you’re begging me to just fucking shoot you and them. Maybe invite Hank over, give him time with Mac? What do you two think? Is it really worth risking that? Risking hearing his screams as he begs Hank to stop, as he rips him from ass to barely there balls?” he threatened.

He didn’t look angry anymore. He looked amused. Like he thought it was funny. Funny to threaten us with that. With Hank, John’s whole body going still as I stopped trying to pull away even though Da squeezed even harder digging his nails into my forearm as John and I both froze. Da used the opportunity of my pause to pull me over onto the spot on the bed where he had been and flip me over so that I was laying on my back next to John.

So, this was happening. This was…ok. I remember thinking that to myself that it was ok because it wasn’t Mike and it wasn’t Hank raping Mac it was just…it was just John. It was just us and Da and…it didn’t have to be that bad. It wasn’t like I hadn’t had sex with Teddy, it wasn’t like I…I remember closing my eyes as I tried my best to stop myself from hyperventilating. As I told myself to calm down. Told myself that it was ok. It was just sex. It was just something I’d done a million times before.   
I was a…I was a slut. It was just one more person and it was better than Mike or James or…it would be fine. I would be fine. It didn’t even have to be real, not really. This wasn’t real. It wasn’t real.

I remember feeling John, feeling his knee between my legs Da saying something to him, hearing Da say something to him as he struggled as he…fought with him. The bed shaking slightly from side to side. It couldn’t be happening. It wasn’t real it just…if I let it play out, if I let it finish it was done and everything was fine. I would wake up. At that point I had to wake up.

“Just do it,” I mumbled as I felt them stop, felt the struggling stop.

“Will…” John said but, I don’t remember seeing his face. After all, it was just a dream so what did it matter what he looked like? He’d look like real John even if he was dream John because that’s my brain had told me he looked like.

“You heard him. Do it or I will,” I heard fake Da warning him. Fake Da moving around doing something.

I didn’t feel like looking because it was stupid. It wasn’t real anyway. It couldn’t be real. Da wouldn’t be that cruel. He’d never been that cruel before at least not before…not before the camera. Da pushing John forward so he almost fell on me his face just inches from mine making me jump, making me look at him.

He looked so scared. So…like he thought someone was going to die. Like maybe he thought I was going to die. I remember reaching out my hand and…his skin felt soft and warm, almost like he was real, but he couldn’t be. Da hissing those two words again that warning again.

“Just do it, please?” I asked him shaking my head, “So he doesn’t.” because if it was real and Da did it, it would be like the cameras. It would hurt and John especially if I wasn’t dreaming, he would never hurt. He’d do everything he could not to because that was John. He always did everything he could to protect me. To make sure I was as safe as possible, and he always had. I trusted him. I trusted him to keep me safe even if he wasn’t a real John but one my head had somehow made up. 

I remember deciding for sure as I kissed him as I wrapped my legs around his waist so that he could penetrate me that I was really dreaming. That it couldn’t be real. I had never woken up. It was some weird vivid dream I was having that I couldn’t stop. That would only stop after we had…after we had had sex. That my brain wanted it for some reason. That I wanted to have sex with my brother and I was such a cock slut my brain just knew it, so it was making it happen. Making it feel as real as possible and that when it was over I would be awake again and everything would be done.

I remember feeling that until something happened. A sharp pain hitting me as John hit something, something wrong. My brain snapping back into…into whatever it was as my whole body wanted to rebel against what was happening. I remember my whole body just…my eyes stinging, and I couldn’t see but only feel it. My brain trying to wrap itself around reality as …he was inside me. He was…he was real and he was inside of me and he was…and…John grabbing my shoulders and squeezing as he looked at me, as he looked at me like he was dying like he was fucking dying and I was…and I couldn’t and Da was somewhere and I knew he was and I couldn’t see him but I could feel him touching my legs, rubbing up and down my legs and John was moving and it was…

Something wet, that feeling inside of me before Da must have let him go or pulled on him and he wasn’t on me anymore. Instead he was between my legs but no longer on me but laying off the foot of the bed under me, Da laughing. Laughing like it was funny.

“That was amazing boys. That was fucking amazing,” he almost screamed sounding beyond happy like he had just watched his favorite sports team win a game, “I can’t believe how good that was. I haven’t been that excited to watch someone else get fucked in a long time. That was fucking hot.”

I heard John make this sound. This sound like a kicked dog before I heard Da growling something at him, something I couldn’t hear as he pulled John hard by the hair pulling him up onto his knees before he started…started raping him. John’s eyes going wide as he stared at the headboard as his chest heaved. Da telling him to come as he thrust into him so hard there was a slapping sound. I remember closing my eyes and just…trying not to listen to John moan like that, like it hurt more than it felt good. As I felt the bed bounce me up slightly as I opened my eyes hoping it had stopped before I felt a hand on my knee, on my right knee. The knee that was over John’s head where he was still lying mostly between my legs.

“It’s ok, I know you want more,” Da said to me digging his nails into my right hip near my mark.

No. No, “Daddy, Daddy please,” I begged him, begged him not to.

“No, it’s ok my cock slut. I just want to give you what you want. I just want to make you feel good. Johnny feels good. He feels so good he can’t even open his eyes. I know you want that. You love cock, I know you love cock. What is it you say? I want your cock in my pussy? You know you want that. Want Daddy to cum inside you so hard your eyes roll and you cum too, cum so hard you can’t move.” He said as he grabbed my other leg hard by the thigh pulling me along the bed so that…so that I was lying next to John.

“Daddy, Daddy, Daddy please…please, I really, really wish you woul…” I lost …he pushed in and I couldn’t…all my air gone my whole body shaking as I tried to keep breathing. As I told myself to keep breathing to just keep…

“There you go baby,” he said rubbing my hips too hard, hurting scratching as he ran his fingers up and down the outside of my thighs, “You feel so tight. Such a good little cock slut. So good…” he learned in, leaned forward pushing deeper and…he didn’t stop until he wanted to. Until I felt that…sticky. So much sticker than John’s, so much…

When he was down He pulled John up toward the headboard after he rolled off me and then did the same with me even though I couldn’t move. Even though my body was frozen because I had just…we had just. Da had made us have sex and then he had done the same.

“I love my boys,” Da muttered before kissing John’s cheek and then mine settling between us, “Will if you want you can spend the night with us or you can shower and head back to your room. It’s up to you honey.”  
Somehow, I found the will to move, I’m not sure how but …I wanted it to go away. I wanted my brain to go back to thinking it wasn’t real and I decided the only way to do that was to go shower, “I’m going to go,” I said shifting my weight slowly as I stood up my legs shaking slightly.

“Ok, I love you. Goodnight,” Da said looking at me, smiling at me like…like he was happy. Like he was the happiest he had ever been as he nodded at me before I shut the door leaving John there. Leaving him with Da as I shut the door on him.


	79. Chapter 79

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will is losing steam feeling like he is on the edge after a sleepless night his friends coming to his aid to comfort him. Cole and Will have a long talk that Will isn't sure what to think of however it leaves a lot on his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2055 to 2086. There's a lot going on here. A Will chapter for sure. No rape in this one so you can enjoy that. **Warnings: talk of rape/ child sexual abuse, mental health issues, anxiety, PTSD, growing up, crushes, comfort, cuddling, mentions of drug use** I'm not really sure where this falls in John's timeline but it's happening Friday so probably **John Pov part 2 Chapter 32**

I felt sick. I could finally breathe but somehow I felt sicker than I had before. I’d just had sex with my older brother, with John. I’d just let John…my stomach rebelling against everything as I ran into my room and to the bathroom barely making it to my toilet before I started barfing, my chest burning and my nose as the vomit I had been swallowing back, kept swallowing back crawled up my throat and out of my mouth.

I hadn’t even gotten a chance to turn on the lights as I barfed until I dry heaved. The lights flipping on suddenly making me turn around in a panic thinking maybe it was Uncle Ben that he was only to find James.

“Jay, what are you doing?” I asked my whole body shaking.

“I couldn’t sleep, and I heard screaming. I was afraid he was going to get me,” James said wiping at his eyes, “Are…are you naked? Are you ok?”

He started walking towards me. I don’t know why other than I couldn’t stomach the thought of being touched. Not when I was naked and dirty like that, not when I had just…, “Don’t!” I almost shouted my whole body shaking as I put my arms out.

“Willy?” he asked me in barely a whisper.

“I…don't touch me,” I said somehow managing to shake my head, “Please, Jay, don’t touch me.”

“Do you want me to turn on the water?” Jay asked me frowning.

“I huh…,” I shook my head, “Go wait in the bed, ok?”

“You’re going to let me stay?” he asked me seeming very happy about it.

“Yeah just…just go wait. I’ll be in there and little while,” I assured him.

“Ok Willy,” he said giving me a smile, “Willy?”

“Yeah?” I said wrapping my arms around myself telling myself I was ok, that he wasn’t touching me, so I was ok.

“I love you. If you want to talk about it, you can. I’ll listen. I promise,” Jay told me.

“Thanks,” I said closing my eyes for a second as they started to burn, “I love you too. Go to bed. I’ll be in there in a little bit.”

With that, he shut the door leaving me standing there. I turned on the water and climbed into the tub after grabbing the box cutter from under the sink. The first thing I did was give myself something else to feel. Something other than sticky inside me and running down my legs. I did it on my leg, my ankle. I figured that maybe it was safe a few small cuts on my ankle that would be covered by a sock, no one would notice those.

After that, I showered. Washed my hair, my body, scrubbed under my nails. A lot. I don’t know how many times I washed, but I knew I felt gross. That I had let…I felt stupid. It was my fault. If I wouldn’t have gone to the door. If I would have just stayed away than John wouldn’t have had to…da wouldn’t have made me do that. Made me have sex with him like that. If I hadn’t been such a stupid cock slut it never would have happened. Knocking on the door when I heard John making those sounds was asking for it. He was right, I was a slut. The worse kind, a cock slut.

I crawled into bed late, I know it was late because it had been around 11 or so when I had gone into John’s room it was probably around 4 am when I got dressed and climbed into bed next to James. I’m not sure if I slept but I know that after a while I got up and I went to try and sleep in my closet because James kept rolling over in his sleep, kept touching me and I couldn’t…I felt dirty, disgusting and I just couldn’t…I didn’t want him against me, I didn’t want him touching me. I didn’t want anyone touching me.

I didn’t deserve to be touched. I’d made my older brother have sex with me. Do those things with me and then my Da had…it wasn’t right. It was disgusting and maybe it was true, maybe I was a slut. Maybe that’s what was wrong with me, I was really cock slut and they all sensed it.

I don’t remember getting ready for the bus only being on it. Quinn smiling at me until he saw the look on my face and I sat down in a seat by myself instead of sharing one with him like I usually did. It was tired, I remember being so tired that everything just seemed…odd. Like I was walking through a dream again. Similar to the dream I was trying to convince myself that last night was, more like a waking nightmare, something that I could blink away if I did the right thing, said the right things, moved the right way and yet…nothing was right.

I had to see him. It was Friday and I had to see him, and he was going to do it too. Because I was a slut because something about me was asking for it because it was me. Someone tapped my shoulder as I got off the bus nearly sending me 10 feet in the air sending my whole body shivering as I turned around ready to scream to…

“Hey,” Quinn said his hands up in front of him like I was a cop, “Hey, what’s going on? What’s…”

I’d made him dirty. I remember thinking that. Just him touching me made him dirty and then my eyes were burning, and I couldn’t see and the world was…everything was wrong. Nothing was ok. Everything was so wrong, and I couldn’t…

“Will, what’s wrong? Will,” I heard Quinn softly ask before I felt I felt someone’s arms that smell, that smell was…safe. It was safe.

“It’s ok,” I heard Teddy say, “it’s ok. I’m here. I’m here.”

“Do you want me to go get someone?” I heard Quinn ask Teddy quietly.

“Finn, maybe, maybe his brother,” Teddy mentioned.

“NO! NO! I CAN’T I’M A…I can’t do it. I can’t do it, I can’t…”

“Ok, shhh…listen to my voice,” Teddy said in a soothing tone, “You’re ok right now. I don’t know what happened but right now you’re safe ok? No one is going to hurt you and I’m right here. I’m right here and I’m not going to let anything bad happen.”

“No, no, I’m…I’m bad, It’s me I’m…”

Just then both Todd and Finn appearing walking up to us Finn almost running as he saw something was seriously wrong with me, that Ted was holding me, and I was shaking.

“What’s going on? What happened?” Finn asked.

“ I don’t know,” Quinn said. “He didn’t sit with me when he got on the bus he looked tired but…”

“He looked tired? He always looks tired,” Finn muttered.

“He looked tired but worse than just tired. He didn’t sit with me, he didn’t look at me. I thought he was mad at me until I touched his shoulder and he jumped like I had electrocuted him,” Quinn managed to finish, “I asked him what was wrong and then Teddy came up.”

“The way he was shaking it wasn’t…” Teddy trailed off shaking his head, “Guys can we get him out of here a little bit? We’re kind of in the middle of a crowd and the wrong person see’s him freaking out like this they are going to tell Papa and it’s not…”

“That won’t end well,” Finn agreed grabbing my other shoulder and squeezing, “Come on, we’re here and nothing is going to happen to you, ok? We’ve got you and it’s ok. Whatever it is, it’s ok now, you’re safe.”  
“Do you think this has anything to do with Wallace?” Teddy asked.

I knew they were talking about me. I just…I wasn’t sure I cared. I just wanted them. They were warm, and Teddy smelt like…safe. He smelt safe and reminded me of being warm and someplace where things were ok even if I knew somehow they weren’t. The sound of Finn’s and Teddy’s voices helping me hold it together as Teddy kept me tightly wrapped in his arms. The feeling grounding me almost like if he let go I would suddenly float away. That something dark would grab me and cover me and I would be gone like everything would fall apart.

“Maybe,” Finn said, “He does have to see him today and it’s…you know what he did Wednesday.”

“Yeah, and I’m still…is it wrong that I want to fucking kill him? Just thinking about him I want to fucking set him on fire,” Teddy said as he held me tighter while we walked around the side of the building to our little tiny space between the chapel and the school building.

“At least you don’t have to see his fucking face when you get home,” Finn muttered shaking his head, “Are you ok Will?” he asked me.

I nodded my head. They made things feel better somehow. A lot better.  
The only thing making me feel like I couldn’t do it, that I couldn’t walk into that building being the thought that I was going to end up in mentor hour with him. That he was going to want too…and I couldn’t. Even if I was a cock slut I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go in there and just let him do that again. It felt like I’d die if I did.

“I …I can’t go in there,” I muttered into Teddy’s shoulder, “After…after last night I can’t go in there.”

“What happened last night?” Ted asked me, Finn, making an annoyed sound.

“You don’t have to tell us,” Finn assured me, “Not if you don’t want to, ok?”

“He’s right,” Teddy told me, “You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. I’m sorry I asked.”

“You smell good,” I whispered in Teddy’s ear.

“Mhm,” he said quietly, “Thank you.”

“Why do you always smell good?” I whispered at him.

“I honestly don’t think I smell that good. So, I can’t answer that question,” Teddy said loud enough for Finn to hear Finn giggling slightly.  
“Are you tired?” Finn asked me and I nodded my head, “Ok, do you know anywhere we can go that he’s going to be able to just kind of…”

“Not really. We could always take him to the nurse's office and tell them he’s not feeling well get h…”

“NO, NO,” I said loudly making Teddy jump who was still holding me tightly, “I can’t, I can’t I…no, please I ….”

“Ok, OK, OK!” Finn said grabbing my arms, “Look, you can’t do that ok? We won’t do that, but you have to stop. 

“He’s right, you can’t hurt yourself like that, ok? It doesn’t matter if you did it accidentally he’d grill you to death and if he thought you were doing it on purpose he’d punish you for it. So, don’t do that ok?” Teddy said.

I remember feeling confused. Not being sure what they were talking about. My brain trying to figure out until I finally just decided to ask, “What are you talking about?”

“You were pulling at your sleeves,” Finn said frowning, “Like you were…you do this thing sometimes when you freeze and it’s kind of…”

“Scary?” Teddy asked Finn who nodded his head in agreement, “You rub at your arms almost like you’re trying to scratch them, trying to hurt yourself. That with the freezing it’s kind of …it’s freaky.”

“Is that why you guys yell at me?” I asked them, and they nodded their heads, “I didn’t know that.”

“It’s ok. It doesn’t have to be a big deal,” Finn said, “It’s just…I don’t know.  
You didn’t realize you were doing it?”

“No,” I said shaking my head.

“Ok, well how are we going to avoid taking you to…”

“Guys? What’s going on?” I heard a voice I knew turning around.

“Bad day,” Finn answered before I could say anything.

“Will, I’m sorry… I,” Teddy sighed before he started talking, “He’s had a really bad couple of days, Cole. Wednesday we found him in one of the side rooms in the library, actually, our friend did, he was curled up in the fetal position crying. Apparently, Wallace did something to him. Not under his underwear but under his pants it looked like …”

“Don’t,” I said shaking my head, “Don’t…Teddy you…”

“Shhh, …it’s ok. You didn’t say anything, I can tell by the look on Cole’s face. Come here. It’s ok. No one is mad at you for not saying and Teddy’s not doing this to be mean, ok? He’s doing it because he cares.” Finn tried to assure me as I let go of Teddy and clung tightly to Finn.

“He’ll tell John and John can’t…he can’t…he…”

“Shhh…shhh…you remember like two weeks ago? You remember when I needed to cry and so we came back here together. You remember what I said to you? What I called you?” Finn asked me as I shook my head hiccupping, “I said das gud mien stein, you remember?” he asked me.

I nodded my head I remembered. It had been the way he had said it, the way he was holding me the memory somehow helping me breathe as Teddy kept talking to Cole, as I focused on Finn. It had made me feel safe and special in a good way. Not in a bad one like they did.

“It means it’s good, it’s ok. My stone, my rock. I called you that because you’re so strong, Will. You’re so strong and you try so fucking hard and anyone who can’t see that is fucking insane ok? You’re strong, you’re the strongest person I know, and you know somewhere you can do this. Maybe not right at this moment but, you can do this. You can let Teddy say this for you because you’re that strong. Ok?” Finn told me, “It’s…”

I turned around. I wanted to kiss him. I remember wanting to kiss him. Knowing that I couldn’t that I…that I had to be careful. That I didn’t have permission as I buried my head in his neck as Cole swore loudly.

“Ok,” Cole said, “Ok that’s not…he’s and the leader is just…?” Cole trailed off half babbling.

“Yeah,” Teddy said, “He said not under his clothes. I heard the phone call when Wallace asked. If you don’t go under his clothes I don’t fucking care,” Teddy quoted.

“Ok, we’re…I know a place. We’re going to hang out today. You want to come with…ok, this is…” I heard as I looked up Teddy and Cole watching us.

“What?” Finn asked.

“Nothing,” Cole said, “I know a place and I think Will and I are going to go hang out there today if you two want to head in before the …”

“No,” Finn said shaking his head, “I want to stay with him.”

“No,” Cole said shaking his head, “I’m here. He’s not alone and I’m not going to leave him alone. You two need to go to class. You guys can’t get in trouble because he needs some space, and this is the only way for him to get it. This place is quiet. It’s out of the way off the walking trail in the park. No one is going to bother him there and he’ll be able to get some space. There’s no reason everyone needs a call home from headmaster Watson. I’ll take care of it, of him.”

“No,” Finn said shaking his head as he held me, “I want to stay with him. I’m staying with him.”

“Teddy…,” Cole said trailing off.

“I think Finn feels guilty,” Teddy said, “I know I do. Look if I go with him I can tell Papa he wasn’t feeling well. Papa is more likely to accept that he skipped out if I’m there to tell him nothing bad happened that he was just too tired to keep going. That he had a bad night, so we walked away. If I skip with him, we should be ok.”

“Guys I go in there and he’s not here and Wal knows he was the first thing Wallace is going to do is call the leader when he gets home,” Finn said.

“And if you skip you don’t think that’s going to happen? You don’t think your brother is going to notice you aren’t in school when you were fine and getting ready for school before he left this morning?” Cole asked.  
“I can call Vati, he won’t…he’ll tell Wallace to back off,” Finn said.

“FINN!” Teddy said shaking his head, “You ca…”

“I can! It’s my choice,” Finn told him, “He’s not that bad.”

“Bullshit you told me he…” Teddy stopped as Finn put his hand up.

“It’s fine Ted,” Finn insisted.

“Ok. Fine. So, we’re all going?” Teddy asked.

“Yeah,” Finn said.

“I think we should let Will decide that guys,” Cole said, “Who do you want to come?”

“Them,” I answered grabbing Teddy’s hand.

“Ok,” Cole said giving me this weird smile, “How about we set off and I’ll get everyone to where they need to be for right now.”

The first bell rang and Cole nodded at us pointing in a direction across the parking lot to a little walking path that we walked quietly and quickly towards. Finn, holding my right hand while Ted held onto my left Cole walking ahead of us sometimes glancing back and giving me this weird smile that I think just…I was so overwhelmed I couldn’t read. The four of us walked in silence a good way until we were about 10 minutes away from the school and heard the second bell ring. Cole sighing.

“Ok guys if you either one of you wants to turn back, now would be the time. 3rd bell is the late bell,” Cole muttered.

“I’m good,” Finn said.

“Have you ever skipped before?” Cole asked him.

“No,” Finn said.

“I have,” Teddy said Cole turning around and frowning at him, “What? I have. Sometimes I’m just…I’m tired. Schools in walking distance to the house once mom goes to the office at 10 I can return home and watch cartoons. She doesn’t get home until five and half the time she tells the secretary to take messages and doesn’t listen to them, So…”

“You do realize what you just said, right Ted?” Cole asked him.

“What? That I skip and sit in my house in my uniform all day sometimes because I’m a loser?” Teddy asked.

“No, that there’s a place where he can go that’s not a bird watching station in the woods where I was going to take you guys,” Cole said.  
“Still have 3 and half hours to kill,” Teddy said, “So you might as well take us there.”

“Ok then,” Cole said, “So, how long as all of this been going on?”

“All of what?” Finn asked.

“You guys, you three,” Cole said.

“What?” I asked him.

“Oh, we’re having a talk when we get there,” Cole said.

“What is…?” I started to ask.

“I think he means the fact I want to protect you,” Finn told me.

“I don’t think it’s a big deal,” I whispered.

“I don’t either but apparently someone does,” Finn whispered back as Teddy squeezed my left hand.

“I think he’s just worried. That it will get someone in trouble. It’s not…”

“It doesn’t mean that,” I said, “It doesn’t.”

“I know that,” Ted said, “And that’s what you tell Cole. That it’s not about sex or anything like that just about…about feeling safe. Finn makes you feel safe, right?”

“And you,” I added.

“Ok, guys. We got like 10 minutes off the trail. If you keep heading north for 10 minutes or the way we’re heading,” he said looking at us, “There’s a porter potty but it’s bring your own butt wipe, so I suggest holding it or pissing in the woods. About 1/4th of a mile past that is the nature center. They have a small area for like school trips and stuff and souvenir shop with like a little vending machine area for food. So yeah, all fun. Now…” Cole said going off the trail and walking.

“Do you think he’s going to give you “the talk?” Finn asked me, Teddy, laughing at the idea.

“I think he’s late for that talk,” Teddy said.

“Well, really late, yeah,” Finn said.

“Oh,” Teddy said clicking his tongue.

“What?” I asked him.

“Nothing. Nothing,” Teddy said as I got what he was saying.

He was talking about Beau, what I had told him about Beau. Yeah in that case Cole was late. In any case, he was late. I had looked up what intercourse was when Da had told me that’s what people who loved each other did when we had been in that hotel room when I was 8 years old. After he had raped me for the first time.

“Ok, and here we are,” Cole said after we had walked for a while.

It looked like a big tree house with an open roof and high sides. It even had a ladder for you to climb up. It did look like it was so you could sit in the trees comfortably and watch the birds. It looked relaxing. Like it was probably a quiet place where not a lot of people go the brush on the forest floor slightly overgrown in places.

“Can you two climb first, while I have a talk with Will here?”

“A talk? What are you his brother?” Finn asked smiling like he was amused.

“Just start climbing,” Cole said smiling back.

“Ok. Are you going to be ok, Will ?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “I’ll be fine.”

“Come on,” Cole said as I followed him over to a nearby tree which he leaned up against an amused look on his face as he crossed his arms in front of him, “So does this mean you no longer have a crush on me?”

“I huh…I don’t know,” I answered honestly.

“Honestly if you don’t I think it’s fucking awesome. I would high five you if I didn’t believe this looks like you’re going up shits creek without a paddle here kid,” Cole said shaking his head at me like he was about to laugh.

“What?” I asked feeling my face flush.

“Yeah, you know what I’m talking about,” Cole said.

“Lionel said we could it was just the…”

“Wait, what?” Cole asked.

“I spend a lot of time with him and…I don’t know. Ok? He’s always there. He tells me it’s ok and he makes me feel…feel like maybe it’s not my fault. It’s not me. Lionel said we could but just the one time for the cam…”

“You mean with Ted? I was talking about you and Finn,” Cole told me.  
“Finn? He’s my friend. He feels bad because of his…because of…” I trailed off, “Neither one of them ever leave me alone.”

“You think he’s keeping you close just because he feels guilty because his brother is harassing you?” Cole asked me, and I nodded my head, “And he feels safe, he feels like you said about Teddy he makes you feel like maybe none of it is your fault too?” I nodded my head again.

“Ok, I’m going to tell you a little story,” Cole said, “After I started going to the Villa, so I had to be around 10 or so I met this kid there at a party, a villa party. I was beyond terrified. It was my marking. He kept telling me it was ok.

That it happened to everyone and it was ok that I was scared and he was there with me. He held my hand as I waited for Huntz to give me some morphine and the next year I transferred to St Matt’s, right? He was only a year ahead of me in school, but he saw the way Watson treated me.

How he wasn’t very nice to me and he always tried to help me avoid him because if I didn’t he’d give me detention. On days where I couldn’t deal, he’d take me to the park to just hang out just him and me and we’d chill and it wasn’t about being attracted to him even though he was attractive and it wasn’t about wanting to not feel them.

When I looked at his face it was like they didn’t exist. He always told me that as long as he was there he was going to try and do whatever he could to make sure no one touched me if I didn’t want to be touched. He became my safe space.

He became the person I told everything. The person that when they weren’t there and something I was proud of myself for or something funny or good happened I wanted to tell him right away and eventually I realize that maybe, maybe it isn’t about sex. Maybe that’s not what love is about. You know who I’m talking about?” Cole asked me.

“Justin?” I asked him and his smile widened and he nodded his head.

“Yes, Justin,” Cole told me, “At first, it wasn’t even about sex for us, it wasn’t about attraction. It was about someone caring about me, about what I wanted, what I might need and about him giving that to me without me ever having to ask. Without ever having to even…he just knew.

When I couldn’t be touched he just knew. When I was having a bad day, he just knew. He knew what I needed every time and he did everything he could possibly do to give it to me. It was about him being safe and making me feel safe and like I mattered. Like my boundaries mattered and my feelings matter and it…just. It became everything the brotherhood doesn’t want you to have with someone that isn’t a handler.”

“What are you saying?” I asked him.

“I’m saying I’m glad if you’re over me. I’m overjoyed and that makes life so much easier in so many ways. You deserve that. You deserve to find someone your own age who is going to make you feel safe and happy and protected. That can make a world of difference. It really can and I’m glad it’s a more appropriate match but…I’m telling you to be careful, ok?” Cole told me.

“We haven’t…Finn hasn’t done anything like that,” I told him, “He hasn’t…I don’t think he even likes me like that.”

“But he and Teddy make you feel safe? They’re your safe space?” he asked me.

“I don’t…you mean like Beau was? You mean like how he always asked me before he ever did anything how he made sure I was ok every step that we ever…? Finn doesn’t feel that way about me and I already know nothing can happen and it…”

“Ok, Lionel just has to see it and believe it’s happening. He doesn’t care if it’s physical I mean that’s a pretty good way to piss him off, to physically step out but, he feels like it’s cheating if you’re telling people things you’re not telling him. Why do you think he’s so…private about so many things? Why he doesn’t want us talking to each other? Why he doesn’t want me around?”

“Because I have a crush on you and he doesn’t want people knowing he eats ass?” I asked Cole who slammed his hand over his mouth laughing into it and holding onto the tree to keep himself standing up.

“Are you ok?” I asked him.

“They do make you feel better, don’t they?” he asked after catching his breath, “Ok, that’s probably a part of his…need to control who you interact with, yes. But the other part is he wants you to depend on him. When you have a problem, he wants you to turn to him, to talk to him, to lean on him. He wants to be the center of your world just like you’re the center of his.

If that’s not happening he’s going to see that as you cheating on him. Why do you think he was so angry at you for leaving? Why do you think he tore the world apart and turned it upside down to find you, Will? Because he wants you to be his and no one else’s.

Even when you’re no longer his he wants to be someone you think about. Why do you think he treats you the way he does? Because he wants you to remember him. He wants you to remember the things he made you do, he wants to be one of the very last thoughts you have. He wants you to wonder if you’re going to end up in hell when you die because of the things he made you do. Ok?” 

“Even after I’m not his anymore?” I asked the feeling, the thought overwhelming me.

“Yeah,” Cole said, “He wants to make sure you realize he’s the reason you are who you are. He wants you to never forget that. It doesn’t matter to him if it’s physical or not especially if you’re still under his contract he will kill them, and he’ll make you watch it happen. It’s great that you found people, ok I’m ha…”

“Don’t I have to pick one?” I asked him.

“Ok,” Cole said, “Who are you talking to right now? You think every guy I fuck is just a hit and quit, really? There’s nothing saying you can only have feelings for one person at a time. It’s perfectly normal to have feelings for multiple people and honestly it kind of…they think it’s just fucking the more people you’re fucking at once.”

“What?” I asked as I felt my jaw drop.

“No one ever accused me of being stupid,” Cole said, “I mean I don’t tell just anyone that but, I care about my partners ok? I care about Kris, I care about Terry and Jack and Paul and Rolph. I gave them up to try and make it work with Tosh, yeah but…that doesn’t mean I didn’t love them. I do, I love them a lot, all of them. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m sure people think it’s weird and they think it makes me a slut, yeah but, if having the reputation of being a slut keeps them safe and me safe and makes people think it’s all no strings than…what the hell, right?”

“Finn said that he…that people used to be …that humans aren’t hard-wired for monogamy,” I quoted Finn.

“So same idea,” Cole said.

“He said it was about survival back in the day. Shouldn’t it be different if we don’t need it anymore?” I asked him quietly.

“Look around. Look at me. I’m doing it to survive. If I was monogamous whoever I was with would be in danger and so would I. You know how often how high my anxiety was trying to make it work with just Tosh worrying that we were going to get caught?”

“Wait you broke up?” I asked him.

“Yeah, last week after I talked with you after I talked with Pat again,” Cole admitted, “He’s…I confronted him about the drugs and some other stuff. He admitted he hadn’t stopped and that he wasn’t…that he didn’t realize we were exclusive even though that was something we talked about, so I just decided to cut it off.”

“I’m sorry,” I told him.

“I’m not,” Cole said, “You and Pat were right, I…I deserve better and I do have people who care about me enough to…to be honest. I’m glad you’ve found people that make you feel safe but, be careful. Even if it’s Ted be careful, ok?”

I nodded my head not sure what to say. I felt like Cole had just dropped a bomb on me. That maybe it wasn’t about sex. Maybe it was about other things and that it was ok.

That it was ok to maybe like more than one person at a time and that Finn’s idea of not liking relationships was something that actually made sense. That even if it was about survival that was another reason for him to believe that, because it took more than two of us taking care of each other to survive the hell they kept putting us through. That they made us exists in day in and day out.

“Ok, let’s go see your boyfriends. And don’t whatever you do refer to them like that to anyone, even me, ok? I was joking,” Cole told me a wide smile still plastered on his face as I nodded my head.

It felt weird to think about. I knew I was gay but…was it really normal to…to do that? What about after I wasn’t his anymore? What happened then?

“Are you ok? You look…what’s wrong?” Finn asked looking at me as he and Ted both helped me make the last couple of steps up the ladder.

“I’m ok,” I answered quietly.

“You don’t look ok,” Finn said, “Did…?”

“I talked to him,” Cole said, “That’s it. I think I might have blown some cells there in his head but, he’ll be all right. Give him a little bit to wrap his mind around some stuff and he’ll be fine.”

“Are you high?” Ted asked him.

“On weed?” Cole answered his face scrunched up as he thought about it, “It’s not a bad one and it’s not a big one. Maybe a little though?”

“He looks like he just watched someone get hit by a fucking truck,” Finn said.

“Yeah, what did you say to him?” Teddy asked.

“I would love to have this conversation with the two of you as well but…we’ll do it one at a time over lunch or something, ok?” Cole said.

“No, what did…” Finn started to ask him before I hugged Finn.

“It’s ok,” I told him resting my head on his shoulder breathing him in. Relaxing and trying to clear my head.

“Ok,” Finn said back as I felt his body relax as I held him, and he held me back, “As long as you’re ok. Still feeling a little anxious?”

I felt…overwhelmed. Some of it was Cole I think but a lot of it was all the other stuff and I just…I was glad they were there. I reached me out for Teddy too, Teddy who apparently just knew what I was reaching for and came over wrapping his arms around me and around Finn too.

“You ok?” Teddy asked me.

“I think he’s just tired,” Finn said, “He’s just…”

Teddy sighed and I felt him nodding his head, “It’ll be a little bit ok?  
Then my mom will be out of the house and we can go there. Maybe see if I have something I can give you to help you sleep.”

“Yeah and that way you don’t have to worry about Wal, ok? Not today.  
We’re right here ok?”

“I know,” I sighed breathing into Finn’s neck as I felt Teddy resting his head on my back.

“This is cute,” Cole muttered, “I feel like everything is cool here so I’m going to take off and take my tardy and my hopefully B in science as long as I keep showing up when I need to. Do you guys want me to tell the other two where you three are at?”

“Oh shit,” Finn said, “I huh, maybe I should go back? Are you two going to be ok just the two of you?”

“I’ve got him,” Teddy said, “You’re going to be ok with me, right? Or do you want Finn to stay or…?” he trailed off as him and Finn looked at me.  
“I’ll be ok with just Ted,” I answered.

“You’re sure you don’t need him to stay?” Ted asked, “If you want him to stay, that’s ok. There’s not…”

“It’s fine,” I told him, “I just don’t want to be alone, ok?”

“Ok,” Finn said, “I’ll see you on Sunday then? Mass?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head as I felt it again, that urge. That urge to thank him, to kiss him and tell him that he mattered, that he was important, and he made me feel safe.

“Ok, I’m coming with you Cole,” Finn said as Cole nodded his head.  
“Ok, you, my very very lucky friend and I are going to have this very llooong talk,” Cole said, “It will blow your mind. Hopefully in a VERY good way.”

“I think that high is a lot higher than he believes it is,” Teddy whispered in my ear making me giggle.

“Yeah, I think so too,” I agreed.

“You do look really tired,” Teddy commented, “Anything you want to talk about?”

“Cole said he loves the guys he has sex with,” I blurted out before I realized how weird that sounded and I felt my face getting warm.

“Well, that’s…good for him?” Teddy asked me.

“I …shit,” I muttered.

“Why are you getting all flustered? What’s going on?” Teddy asked, “Come on, let’s sit down and figure this out ok?”

“I…Cole thinks I like Finn. Like, like Finn,” I answered.

“Ok, and that’s upsetting?” Teddy asked me.

“I don’t…I think he’s right but, but what if I like you too?” I asked him quietly.

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” Teddy said, “But you can’t do anything about it. If I like you too I can’t do anything about it and Finn certainly can’t.”

“It’s a lot to think about,” I told him.

“Yeah but, we can’t do anything about it, so it shouldn’t matter,” Teddy said, “Can’t we just let things be what they are?”

“I like what they are,” I said nodding my head.

“Ok then,” Teddy said smiling at me as he pushed some hair behind my ear, “Let’s not worry about it then. Let’s worry about you getting some sleep and figuring out how to make you feel safe.”

“I feel safe with you,” I told him.

“Yeah but, I can’t be with you all the time and I think the problem is you aren’t feeling safe when you aren’t with me. I know you have trouble sleeping when you’re at the Villa. You tossed and turned all last Friday even after you settled in.”

“There’s a lot going on,” I admitted.

“You can tell me about it,” Teddy said, “You know I won’t tell anyone. I know I usually say that and I kind of overstepped earlier but…”

“Finn said you were trying to help me,” I told him what Finn said, “That may be because I was so strong sometimes I needed to let someone be strong for me instead.”

“Aww, It’s ok,” Teddy said hugging me as I started sniffling started crying, “You’re ok.”

“I don’t feel very strong,” I said.

“Well,” Teddy told me, “I can tell you that when it was me. All the time, I didn’t handle it very well. I stopped eating for a while. There were just too…too many videos. Too many voices in my head all the time. I mean now it’s just him but when I was his boy it was whoever he…whoever he wanted. It was bad. I told my mom about it and she kept shaking it off, brushing it off and telling me it was stress and that I just needed to accept he was doing what was best for me until I . Until I told her that I wanted to die, and I tried to jump out of the car while it was going 60 an hour down the highway. Then she started taking me seriously. 

And she’s a doctor, that’s what she does. So, she locked me up at home and put me on medication and things got better. But, he just…all the different things it started driving me nuts.

That was 2ish years ago so right before he finally let me go. Decided I was too old to be his anymore. I think it made him decide that maybe it wasn’t ok though. That maybe it was time for him to find a new boy because he …he’s relentless and I know he is. And you don’t just have him you have your Dad and Wallace and…I imagine you feel like you can’t even breathe even though you’re sure you’re breathing. And then you have all of your brothers and sisters and all I had was Luke and it was enough to…yeah.”

“That’s exactly what it feels like,” I told him.

“And that makes you brave. That you can face that, and you haven’t tried to jump out of a moving car,” Teddy told me, “That takes balls.”

“I took a bottle of pills followed by a cough medicine chaser Saturday night,” I pointed out.

“Yes, you did but, it was a bottle of vitamins. I mean you’re lucky it was but, still. He’s not easy to deal with and you’ve got so many other people you’re dealing with too and that takes a lot of strength. You have no idea how strong you are Will. None.

You amaze me every day I see you walk into school with your head forward even though you know people are talking about you. Calling you what, is it? Harem boy. Even though you know there are trackers that are watching videos of you every night after they get home from school and you don’t even bat a fucking eye besides the one because he’s constantly whispering in your ear. 

Your balls have to be made of the strongest metal there is in order to deal with that every day and not fall apart. It’s no wonder you’re constantly on the edge of a breakdown. Why do you think we never say anything about it? Because, because you have us so amazed at how you’re still…we’re speechless, ok?” Teddy told me.

“Really?” I asked blinking at him.

None of them had told me that before. They had told me it was ok. That I was safe with them. That it was ok to cry and that things were hard for everyone. That they understood and had my back but at that point, they had never told me that they thought I had brass balls.

“You do realize you felt my balls the other night, right?” I asked him causing him to smile.

“You know what I mean,” Teddy said shaking his head.

“Well,” I said feeling my face get warm, “It’s true.”

“Yeah, it’s true,” Teddy agreed, “Don’t discredit yourself though, ok?”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head.

“Honestly I’m surprised it took you this long with that asshole up your butt the way he is to finally say “I can’t do it.” From what Todd and Finn have told me he’s relentless,” Teddy told me.

“You don’t know him?” I asked Teddy.

“Wallace, you mean?” Teddy asked me, and I nodded my head, “Well, Papa doesn’t let him hang around when Luke and I are with him. I’ve listened to their phone calls, I’ve met him in passing. I’ve seen in him the holding rooms but, he doesn’t talk to me or anything.”

“Really?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah,” Teddy said, “Really.”

So, Lionel thought Wallace was dangerous. He had to. Teddy and Luke were worth protecting but, I wasn’t. All because I’d left. Wallace got to do whatever he wanted to me and I couldn’t complain about it and I had thought him having people gang rape me on camera had been my punishment.

“You ok?” Teddy asked me rubbing my shoulder as I shook my head, “Is there anything I can do?”

“Hold me?” I asked him.

“Ok,” Teddy said pulling me into his arms. “You’re really tired, aren’t you?” he asked me again.

“Yeah,” I admitted, “I couldn’t sleep last night.”

“Can I ask why?” 

“You know how…he makes us do it?” I asked him feeling my face heat up at just the thought of saying it out loud, of admitting that it had happened.

“Yeah,” Teddy told me rubbing my forearm as I rested my head against his shoulder as he did his best to tuck me safely under his arm on his right side and he entwined his fingers with mine squeezing my hand a little bit.

“Da he…he made me do that. Wi…With John,” I answered.

“And he hasn’t before?” Teddy asked.

I closed my eyes shaking my head. Thinking about how just…how scared he had looked. How…how he had just…

“It’s ok,” Teddy told me, “Let it go, it’s ok.” He said as I started crying, “You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s ok. You’re safe now. He can’t make you do anything else right now, ok? I’m right here.”

He let me cry, sob. Let me bury my face in his armpit and just scream and sob until I couldn’t anymore. Until I fell asleep with the scent of Irish spring and dirt and something else I couldn’t put my finger on calming me down. Allowing me to finally relax. To finally truly let go and close my eyes as his smell surrounded me.


	80. Chapter 80

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teddy and Will have a long talk on the way back to school about life and the brotherhood in general.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2086 to 2098 This is a short chapter I'm going to edit and post another one hopefully tonight or tomorrow as well just because. **warnings: Talk of child sexual abuse, talk of family, talk of growing up, puberty, talk of domestic violence, talk of substance abuse, life in general.** There isn't too much going on it's just a short little chapter but it's cute. **John POV part 2 Chapter 32 I think**

I don’t know how long I slept for but eventually, I started waking up. Moving slightly before I felt a kiss on my forehead making me open my eyes curious as to what it was. Teddy smiling at me as I blinked at him.

“Did you kiss me?” I asked through my yawn.

“No one is here,” He said quietly, “I figured you wouldn’t tell anyone and it wasn’t a real kiss, just your forehead like I’d probably kiss Luke so…”

“Ok,” I said sitting up as he rubbed my shoulder.

“Are you waking up?” He asked me.

“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “I’m still tired though.”

“I bet. You probably didn’t sleep at all last night,” Teddy commented.

“No,” I agreed shaking my head, “It was…I didn’t like it.”

“No one does I don’t think. Especially that first time they make you do that it’s very…it just feels really wrong deep down even if they’re saying it’s ok. Something in your core tells you it’s not and that you don’t want it. But they do it because they don’t want you to talk to each other, to care about each other anymore. Because they want to isolate you from your brothers. Talk to John about it when you’re ready. It’ll help,” Teddy told me.

“How? He…and I…,” I said sighing before I stopped myself before I thought about how I wanted to word it, “Da made him touch me, made him have sex with me. I feel like John would have fought it harder, I would have fought it harder, but he said if it wasn’t me it was going to be Mike.”

“And that’s worse than it being you?” Teddy asked me.

“Mike and Matty are twins,” I started, “They aren’t the only set of twins our family has. When we were young, and they were little tiny they had their own language. They have…sometimes they can just look at each other and if you’re there you get this feeling they’re speaking, that they're talking without saying a word. Matty is raping him.

Matt’s head is all messed up and when we were gone we spent sessions talking about his head and how dark it is how he…somewhere deep down he believes everything Da tells him and he doesn’t know why and when he’s not on medication he doesn’t care. He’s hurting Mike. Mike is telling him no and he’s hurting him.

The very last thing Mike needs is one more brother betraying him, doing that to him when the one that is supposed to matter and to know him more than anyone is hurting him like that. He sees Andy and Laura and even Mary and Seamus and he sees how they are together, how sometimes they move or operate as a pair, a set of people instead of two individuals and I think he misses having that. Because he knows what it’s like to have that and probably feels like that’s something he should still have. And instead of listening, tuning into Mike’s needs Matt takes those needs and he…he ignores them or twists them. He uses those things to hurt Mike more than anyone else ever could. So, yeah. It being Mike is a million times worse than it being me.”

“You think Matt’s a tracker?” He asked me.

“I know he is. He…we can’t have pets because if we do especially if it’s Mikey’s pet he’ll kill it. Up until we moved to Montana Mike used to bring home little lizards and stuff he even brought home a bunny. Matt squeezed it to death in front of him because if there weren’t two. Mike couldn’t have it especially if he wasn’t willing to share.”

“Wow,” Teddy said, “That’s dark.”

“He spent last weekend in the basement, in what we call the red room because he did something. I don’t know what but apparently right after school started Da had them swimming, all of them while I wasn’t there, I think I was with you. Mike said that Matty went down to the red room for that too because he grabbed Andy and he pinched his scrotum. That he hurt him because he wanted to and Da wasn’t paying attention. Matty is dangerous and John and I know it and we’re not allowed to do anything about it and he’s most dangerous to Mike and Da is just now starting to punish him for it and it’s not little punishments and it’s…it’s a whole world of fucked up I can’t even…” I shook my head.

“So, you and John did that, so Mike didn’t have to because he’s already being treated so badly? You were both protecting him, right?” Teddy asked me as I nodded my head, “Then it wasn’t anyone’s fault you were both doing what you had to. Make sure John knows that as much as you do, ok? Make sure you talk to him.”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head.

“Are you still tired?” he asked me as I yawned.

“I’m always tired,” I told him.

“I bet,” Teddy told me, “We can go to my house now. If you want.”

“I don’t know if I want to move,” I told him, “I don’t know if I can…talk to him.”

“He’ll blame himself forever. Or he’ll hold onto it and figure, he’s already done one of the worst things he ever could possibly do so why hold on? Why not enjoy it?” Teddy said.

I frowned at him. That wasn’t John at all. John would never allow himself to feel that way about it. He’d been trying to keep me safe his whole life he wouldn’t suddenly think it was ok to do that to me, to rape me. He wouldn’t suddenly start liking something like that.

“He wouldn’t,” I said shaking my head.

“Look, you’re cracking under pressure, he probably is too. They don’t make it easy for anyone. Check in with him, make sure he knows he didn’t fail and that he did the only thing he could do, and you don’t blame him. Even if you do tell him it’s not his fault. He might just need to hear it. It could make the difference between him turning tracker or trying to kill himself and him being certain that it wasn’t just you who suffered that night, ok?” Teddy told me.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “I was the one who did things to him though. Da made me…”

“He made you play power bottom?” Teddy asked looking at my expression, “That’s fucking … I’m sorry Will.”

“I don’t even know what that is,” I admitted.

“Oh,” Teddy said, “It’s where you have to take control. You know the difference between a bottom and a top, right?”

“I had to ask Pat but, yeah,” I confessed.

“Ok, well a power bottom is a bottom who takes control. Instead of the top grabbing his head and telling him to suck his dick a power bottom is, “I want to suck your dick get over here” type of deal. He’s the more aggressive. He’ll grab the top and maybe wrap his legs arou…” Teddy sighed looking at me before he stopped talking hugging me and running his hand through my hair, “I’m sorry, it’s ok. You’re ok just breathe. No one is judging you and you’re safe ok?”

I could feel myself shaking but I didn’t understand why other than I was seeing it. I had. I had told him to do it, wrapped my legs around his waist and moved so that he could…because I didn’t want it to be Mike. I had …I had put my mouth down there even though I knew he didn’t want me to because if I hadn’t…it would be Mikey and it couldn’t be, and I knew that. It took me a good few minutes to calm down. To come to terms with the fact that Teddy wasn’t judging me before I realized he couldn’t. That there were times when it was Lionel and Teddy and I and Teddy kind of…did things that I always thought were weird but, I knew why he was doing it.

Because that’s what he wanted. Like he wanted me to ask for it, beg for it. We’d been home for probably 3 months. Lionel had started making Teddy and I engage in sex acts either together or with him while the other watched from the moment I had gotten home. If you counted the multiple encounters of intercourse that occurred when I saw Lionel I had probably had more than a dozen 3-somes with Teddy and Lionel. Teddy didn’t ever fight with Lionel but simply gave him what he wanted. If that meant Teddy was letting Lionel penetrate him while he sat in Lionel’s lap because that’s what he wanted, that’s what Teddy did. If that meant kissing Lionel, and whatever else Lionel wanted that’s what happened.

It was embarrassing for Teddy. I was more than sure of that because I knew him making me say the things he made me say, do those things were embarrassing. That wasn’t nearly the same as taking charge even though there had been a time or two where he had tried to get me to be more active than just telling him to “fuck me” or whatever else it was he wanted me to say. So, what he made Teddy do, what he made me do and what Da had made me do, that was…that was what a power bottom was.

“No one is judging, ok?” Teddy said, “If anyone has the right to judge you I would be the last person in that line, ok?”

“I know,” I said as I thought about it, how often I’d seen Teddy do those things.

“Good,” he told me, “My mom should be at work, so we can head over to my house any time you want.”

“I don’t know if I want to go there,” I told him.

“Ok,” Teddy said.

“It’s not that I don’t trust you or don’t like your house it’s just that…”

“That’s where you met him,” Teddy finished for me and I nodded my head, “I can get why you wouldn’t feel comfortable there. Our apartment in New York, I don’t…when we go there I can never fucking sleep. Just because I always remember Manfred. I remember my dad walking out and telling Mom he was just done. I remember…just a lot of things. Needless to say, I don’t like being in New York. Not that I love it here either just…”

“At least here you have friends,” I said.

“Yeah, pretty much,” he told me, “There it’s me and Luke and Louis sometimes and let’s face it, Louis is not someone you want around. Cole came with us one year for a couple of weeks and then Mom decided she wanted to take us on vacation to Italy. Told Luke and I it would be a real vacation and instead, we ended up outside of Venice while she drank herself stupid by the pool all day and we played with the maids and housekeepers kids. It was mostly fun.”

“Cole stayed in New York?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he said, “I don’t know what happened but, he doesn’t really talk about it.”

“He told me he was playing with some boy at one point and he got really mad,” I mentioned, “That’s all I remember about that conversation though. He didn’t say anything else about it other than Alice was there.”

“Yeah, Alice was the nanny he used for us. Mom didn’t use a nanny because she didn’t feel the need to but when we were with him he wanted us to have an adult around, a responsible adult in case we needed anything when he was busy. So, he hired Alice,” Teddy told me.

“Do you like Alice?” I asked him.

“She was always nice,” he told me, “After I moved schools I cried a lot. About everything. Papa was really mad at me for a while because the…Arthur had to talk to me and file reports and it just…a lot of needless interference, he called it. So, he…he went from being like he is now, with me to being really mean. Backroom stuff.

He’d cover my face, my eyes, and ears and whoever wanted to if he said it was ok…it…it was a lot to handle and then he had me start playing with him and Cole and it …it was a lot. Sometimes when he was done I’d be shaking so bad I couldn’t walk, and my brain would be so fried I couldn’t even speak and then he’d leave me in my room. Alice would come in and she’d pick me up and she’d take me in the bathroom and the bath would already be full of bubbles and she’d either sing to me and help me wash up or she’d read me a story. 

I think she reported him at least once because of…there was a different social worker that came to our house a couple of times that wasn’t Arthur but then they figured out they had two open cases, so they combined them and of course Arthur became lead until they decided there wasn’t any reason for CPS to be involved anymore. She used to bake me cookies and let me eat as many as I wanted without ever saying anything. Especially on bad days.”

“She does that for us too,” I told him.

“I think it’s her way of saying she’s sorry. That she’s sorry she can’t stop them but that she wishes she could, but they have enough money to make anything disappear, even her and she’s not willing to disappear for us,” Teddy said.

“I can’t blame her for that. How is …I’ve never felt like she was at fault for what happens to us. Honestly, I think she makes it easier. Having someone there that doesn’t feel so depressed and guilty about it all they can do is lay in bed all day like mum but someone who helps make sure if we need something for pain it’s there, helping make sure we have food so that we aren’t starving ourselves or ice if we get injured. That always makes me feel better. The cookies are just a bonus,” I said.

“Yeah, no she’s good people. She’s great. I think everyone should have an Alice if for whatever reason they don’t have a mom. I mean I know your mom is usually around but, she’s not right now, right?” Teddy asked me.

“Right,” I said nodding my head, “John told me she’s in the mental ward, the adult side at Wood Haven. He said she was so drugged up when he saw her he’s not sure she knew it was him. That her head is scrambled. I feel like I need her. I need her here and she’s not around.”

“It’s ok. It’s ok to want your mom. I want my mom sometimes. I want her to be a better person that doesn’t believe it’s ok to…for him to do what he does. I want a mom that cares and doesn’t drink herself to sleep every night. I’m sorry your mom’s not around,” he told me.

“And I’m sorry yours isn’t around,” I told him hugging him, “You deserve a better one. You try so hard and you take such good care of Luke and you deserve a better one.”

“What’s your mom like?” he asked me.

“She’s quiet like I am. I think maybe she feels guilty. Most of the time she’s tired but before…when we lived back home she was always there whenever we had a cricket game or a football game. She was always right there in the front row cheering us on. She’d try and give us a chance to do everything and anything. If it was a school play, the chess team, whatever it was … she loved taking us out as a family to the zoo or the park or the cinema. She’d try and spend time with us each alone. She likes reading bedtime stories to us just like…I don’t know. She’s a good mum or she tries to be,” I told him.

“She sounds like a good one. Most of us don’t have mom’s anymore,” Teddy told me.

“I noticed that,” I said, “What happens to them?”

“I don’t know really,” Teddy said, “Not in the habit of listening to his business. If he ever gets on the phone around you I suggest you make it a habit, not to listen….”

“He had a meeting with me once. And James. I think he was talking about my mum and some other stuff,” I said, “He told me not to repeat anything I heard.”

“I wouldn’t. It wouldn’t be good,” Teddy told me, “You know what he does though, right?”

“What do you mean?” I asked him quietly.

“That he…that he gets rid of people he doesn’t want around?” Teddy said.

“I figured,” I answered nodding my head.

“I think that’s what happens to most of them because while my mom is a freak I don’t see most mom’s being ok with having a husband that…you know. At least it doesn’t seem like something most moms would be ok with,” Teddy told me.

“Da hurts her too,” I told him, “Before we left for Montana she tried to take us away once. I don’t even remember how far we got but it was a hotel and she went out to get food and we were only supposed to be there for like a day or something like that but, she left told us to lock the door and not leave. She didn’t come back. John and I were getting worried and everyone was hungry and then…Detective Kingly showed up. Took us home. Mum was beaten up really bad.”

“That sounds horrible. I’m sorry,” Teddy told me.

“It scared me,” I admitted, “Da always threatens everyone. All the time. If it’s not us, it’s one of the babies and it’s…but I don’t think before that he had ever done anything. He beat her really bad. Her eye was swollen shut and her ribs were black and blue, and she was so tired, and it was awful. If I hadn’t been scared he would hurt someone before after that I would have been.”

“And that’s because she tried to keep you safe?” he asked me.

It had been right before he had taken me out alone for the first time. Taken me to the zoo and then…things I didn’t want to think about, talk about. Things that Teddy would understand better than just about anyone else.

“What time is it?” I asked him.

“Hold on, I have a watch in my bag,” Teddy said as he went to go sit up the shift of his weight throwing mine off a little bit and causing me to fall over grabbing his shoulder which caused him to fall over his body turning so that he could catch his body weight, “Are you ok?”

“I lost my balance,” I mentioned, “Sorry.”

He smelt good. He was on top of me and I was…I felt this weird heat in my pelvis as he looked at me before he smiled and busted out laughing, “Sorry,” he said sitting up. 

“I’m…,” 

“How often does that happen?” he asked me.

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly.

“Usually it happens to me in class. During math. I think it’s from anxiety Mom says anxiety can cause boners, so it makes sense. I don’t really like math and Father Carver likes to call people up to the board sometimes and so I’m sitting there trying to do the problems thinking about how I don’t want to be called up to the board and what’s going to happen if he does and I have one? It just makes everything worse,” he told me.

“I don’t get them a lot. Not unless it’s…you know,” I admitted.

“Really?” he asked me looking surprised as I nodded my head.

“Over the summer I got them all the time just like…out of nowhere. It seems like they’re happening less right now though.” I told him.

“Do you like get them at random times though?” Teddy asked me.

“Yeah, I mean usually I wake up with one. I don’t do anything about it and usually, I have a six-year-old in my bed with me and there’s nothing that kills a boner faster than the sight of your little brother drooling on your pillow in the morning but…yeah. I still get them all the time usually in class but, I don’t know what from really. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten one in mentor hour even though there’s this weird feeling in my stomach right there like really bad anxiety and I think maybe it’s…”

“Anxiety boner, totally,” Teddy agreed.

“I’m just glad they don’t usually happen,” I told him.

“Was that one an anxiety boner?” he asked looking at the crotch of my pants that was tenting slightly less.

“Would you be mad if it wasn’t?” I asked him.

“Huh…no? I mean I was kind of on top of you a little, we’ve had sex before and you keep telling me I smell good so…somethings up apparently literally,” Teddy said smiling at his own joke.

“Shut up!” I said covering my eyes as I felt my face turning red.

“You’re awesome,” Teddy said suddenly.

“What?” I asked him.

“Just like…I don’t know. You don’t make me feel weird about anything. Even the one time I like kissed you a little bit you didn’t make me feel like some sort of freak for it just…and that was before anything happened before he made us… you know. You’re just awesome,” Teddy told me.

“Thanks,” I told him, “You too.”

“So, it’s now…,” he said finally pulling the watch out of his bag, “1:30. So we could hop into lunch and then next class or we can stay away. It’s up to you. Have Sergei drive you home.”

I shook my head, “I hate the limo. I can’t stand it.”

“It’s not my favorite way to get around but, I’m used to it,” Teddy said, “I honestly can’t wait to drive. I’m going to steal the Firebird and take it everywhere. I don’t even care what Papa has to say about it. It’s going to be my car.”

Now that made me smile imagining Teddy behind the wheel of that ridiculously flashy little white car. However, I could picture him beyond tickled about it. I had never really thought about driving but, I was 11.

“You do realize that’s years away, right?” I asked him.

“Oh, I know,” he told me, “It’s still fun to think about. I mean can you imagine heading out to the keys or the beach in that thing? Like what if we hauled ass to Miami and just went clubbing. You know how many guys would…what’s wrong?”  
It hit me weird. Thinking about growing up. How it wouldn’t matter how old we were until we were 25, how they controlled us. That we weren’t allowed to just go out and sleep with anyone we wanted so what was the point of…of any of it?

“Nothing,” I said shaking my head.

“You can talk to me,” he told me quietly.

“Are we even allowed to date? Even after he’s…I mean really?” I asked him.

“Officially? No,” he confirmed, “We’re not supposed to fuck anyone either but, we do especially after 18. I mean some of us get in on that game early like you and me and Cole but, others wait until they are older. The girls tend to wait a lot of the…I’ve noticed a couple of the guys wait a long time too. I don’t know. It would be fun. I didn’t mean to make you think about all that complicated stuff. I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok,” I said.

“You want to date that bad?” Teddy asked me.

“I don’t know,” I admitted, “It was something Cole said.”

“What did he say? I think he was just being high just so you’re aware. I’m not sure he meant any of it, but you looked like your mind was blown,” Teddy said.

“He said what Finn said,” I tried to summarize.

“What does that mean?” Teddy asked, “Oh! You mean his talk about polyamory and all of that stuff?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

“Well, Finn’s family is weird anyway. You do know his grandpa was probably like a Nazi right? He told you that?” Teddy asked me.

“Actually, I asked him about that because it just... I put two and two together. It makes sense though and you said life was already kind of like that anyway just without the sex. The supporting each other emotionally and what not just…”

“We’re not allowed to technically. It’s the emotional dependence he doesn’t want us to have. I don’t even think he cares about the sex so much unless, you know, you’re supposed to be having it with him,” Teddy told me giving me a tight-lipped smile, “I think we should head back. You just have gym now, right?”

“Right,” I said, “Do you really want to go back?”

“I want to be there. I know I don’t have that class with you guys, but Julian does. Todd doesn’t…he tries to hide how much it bothers him but having to see Julian every day it really gets to him. Especially when it’s a contract week and for him, it is. I want to be there to talk to him before he goes home to pack his bag,” Teddy told me.

“Ah,” I said nodding my head in understanding.

I know I liked having everyone nearby when I was…when I knew it was his Friday. That I had to see him. It helped that Teddy was usually with me on his Fridays but that meant no one else had that. Had a friend that was usually with them when they had to be with their contract and not only that Todd had to be with Julian too. Julian who he couldn’t stomach because he had acted like a friend until he had decided he wasn’t. That he wanted to be something Todd didn’t want and while I didn’t understand how much that hurt I’d heard Teddy talk about it, talk about that one tracker even though he didn’t use his name and the way he had spoken, he seemed like he was still really…like that really hurt.

It made me think of Da. How we had trusted him, trusted that he was better because mum had sworn up and down he was and then how he had taken me to that hotel and then…then he wasn’t. How everything was just a big fucking lie and how angry I’d been that I had been stupid enough to trust him. How Julian had made Todd feel that way and how it was still such a new betrayal that’s probably how he still felt, and I wanted to hug Todd suddenly, to tell him it was ok. That I understood, and I wanted him to know he wasn’t alone. That maybe that was the main reason why Teddy wanted to be there too.

“So, let’s head back, yeah?” Teddy asked me.

“Yeah,” I said in agreement, “How do we get down from here though?” I asked.

“Well, I’m going to assume we climb down just like we did up,” Teddy said, “Down is so much harder but…whatever.”

“Why is that?” I asked him.

“I don’t know I think it’s like you want to be able to see the step, so you want to go down facing outward or climb onto the ladder facing outward, but you do that you’re more likely to fall and people know that, so it just freaks them out. I like to think of it as I’m fighting my instincts and I do that all the time,” Teddy told me shrugging his shoulders as he walked to the edge of the hole and put his left leg down slowly looking under him and finding the ladder with his foot before grabbing onto the handles and putting his right foot onto the ladder as well. “Just be careful I’m under you.”

“I know,” I said as I too very carefully found the ladder and started climbing down, “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do this weekend.”

“What do you mean?” he asked me.

“Well, the last like three weekends I’ve kind of been busy and now I have some time to just like chill I guess,” I answered thinking about it, “Maybe I’ll read. I’ve only been able to get in a couple of pages at a time lately. It would be nice to be able to find a quiet corner and just…escape for a wee bit.”

“Wee bit?” Teddy asked me.

“What?” I asked him confused.

“Just you don’t use that expression so much,” he told me.

“It’s being around everyone else. No one speaks like that. It just came out,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“I don’t know it was kind of…I liked it,” Teddy told me smiling.

“Do you like me?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” Teddy told me nodding his head, “We talked a little bit about it before you went to sleep, remember?”

“Right,” I said nodding my head, “You don’t think he’s going to want to see me, right?”

“I honestly don’t know. He’s been weird. Monday there was a lot going on. He might not even be around this weekend which would be nice. So hopefully because you need a break and I feel like I need a break and so it’d be better if he just…,” Teddy trailed off, “Because I don’t like it either, you know?”

“Of course, you don’t!” I said feeling shocked that he would think I believed he did, “I never thought you did Ted. Why would you think that…”?

“Because I…I act,” he said, “For the cameras.”

“I act for them too, haven’t you noticed?” I asked him.

“Yeah but…it’s different,” he told me, “I know I’m…”

“Only a little bit because you’ve been doing it longer,” I told him, “I know you don’t like it. I never thought you did, ok?”

“Ok,” Teddy said nodding his head and going quiet as we made it to the ground turning and starting to walk back towards the school.

Teddy didn’t talk about how he felt about things usually. Sure, he made a lot of jokes and what not but his feelings when it came to that was something he tried to be private about unless he was trying to brush them off or make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal. I sighed reaching for his hand and he took it smiling at it before he looked up and smiled at me squeezing my hand as we walked back towards school in silence.


	81. Chapter 81

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> will makes it home for a long weekend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2098 to 2134. Yes, ok this is a huge chapter. I just didn't know where to cut it at first but, yeah a lot going on here. This is over the weekend before Will and John get a chance to talk so **John POV part 2 chapter 32 still.** So many different things happen here I don't even know what to say about it in the summary **warnings: Rape, harassment, bullying, sexual harassment, molestation, forced kissing, forced anal, forced oral, forced fingering, humiliation, mental health issues, anxiety, PTSD, physical abuse, sexual abuse, forced substance use, drugging of a minor**

I felt myself getting more and more anxious as we got closer to the school building. I knew I didn’t have to see Wallace. At least I didn’t have a class with him anyway but just knowing he was in there. That so many of them were in there kept making my chest feel tighter the closer to school we got. Teddy stopping right as the walking path ended on the empty side of the parking lot near the school building.

“Are you ok?” he asked me.

I nodded my head in response. I wasn’t ok but, I had to go to school. I knew I had to go to school. I didn’t want to but, I had to. If it wasn’t Wallace it was going to be Mr. Brian and I knew it. 

“You look like you’re about to cry. Will, what’s wrong? Talk to me, please?” He said quietly.

“You know the guys who…the ones who gets you ready. You know at like Parties and stuff?” I mumbled squeezing his hand.

“Yeah, what about them?” He asked me.

“The one that…he always. His name is Brian. He’s the gym aid. He told me that Da…Lionel wanted me to…”

“He doesn’t,” Teddy said shaking his head, “When did he say this? You haven’t…”

“No,” I said shaking my head, “He told me he wanted me to though. I don’t know. I don’t…he hasn’t tried anything since but, he scares me. They all scare me.”

“I know they do,” Teddy assured me, “We have to go in there though. We can’t skip all the time we’ll get in trouble.”

“I don’t want to have sex with Wallace,” I said, “I ….”

“Shhh…I know,” Teddy said hugging me tightly, “I know. I know you don’t. I know you don’t want to have sex with anyone. It’s ok. It’s ok.”

“I know Todd needs us, I do I just…”

“Ok, where’s your inhaler?” he asked as I started coughing and wheezing.

He pulled it out of my blazer pocket helping me use it as he rubbed my back. I hated myself for it. For being so scared that I couldn’t be there for Todd. Todd who cared about me. Who was one of my closest friends. Todd who had done nothing but try to help me.

“It’s ok,” he told me, “Just try to…to chill out a little bit, ok? He’s not going to touch you. He’s not going to approach you. If you weren’t stupid enough to fall for it the odds are he’s going to do exactly what he’s doing right now which is nothing. He’s holding his breath hoping you don’t tell anyone right now.”

“Really?” I asked him for some reason the idea hitting me as off.

Why would he be afraid of me telling someone? What would even be the point of me telling someone? I’d told Dr. Palmer already and he hadn’t really said anything about it other than he doubted Lionel would be ok with that. That…oh.

That’s when it hit me. If I told Lionel or someone else told Lionel it wouldn’t just be his position in the brotherhood it’d be his life. Lionel would have him killed for trying to touch me without permission.

“Really,” Teddy told me, “You can tell anyone you want, it’s up to you. It was you he was trying to rape so…but I’m sure you understand what would happen if you did. “

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

“Then know you hold all the power,” Teddy told me, “Over him you hold all the power. You have the power to take his life and he knows it. He’s not stupid. So that’s up to you. You get to decide whether he continues to live or if he dies. He knows that too. So just…give it a good long think before you tell anyone about it. He’ll never bother you again.”

“You’re sure?” I asked him.

“Positive,” Teddy assured me, “Does that help? Knowing that I’m like 1000% sure he won’t try anything again?”

“A little,” I admitted.

“Ok, well I know Todd will be a lot less worried if he sees you. So maybe just…go in and stay close? Quinn has that class with you too, right? Quinn’s not going to let anything happen. Not in a million years. You know that.”

“I know,” I nodded my head thinking about it. About the fight, Quinn had almost had in the locker room. It had been mostly about protecting Todd from Julian but, he had protected me too. Made sure I was ok. That Dan and Julian were made aware they couldn’t pick on me.

“Good,” Teddy said smiling at me, “I’ll check in with you before you get on the bus?” he asked me.

“I’d like that,” I said nodding my head.

“Ok,” he told me, “And then I’ll see you Sunday morning and Monday when we get back to school.”

“Right,” I agreed nodding my head, “Is it weird that I’m anxious about this weekend?”

“No,” Teddy said shaking his head, “It’ll be ok though. Your brothers and sisters are going to be there, and you guys have nannies, right?”

“Yeah,” I answered.

“Then everything should be fine,” Teddy tried to assure me, “It’s not like you’re going to be alone with him. It’s your Dad you’re worried about, right?”

“Both of them,” I answered.

“Your Uncle too?” He asked, and I nodded my head.

“Look, you have his number. I’ll probably be there, it’s the weekend. You can call me, ok?” He insisted.

“If he answers?” I asked him.

“Hang up,” he said, “I’m not sure he’s going to be there there’s a lot going on as I said before. But if he does Hang up and try again later, ok?”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head as a bell rang releasing the school for the next class switch before we started across the parking lot and into one of the side doors for the middle school wing. We followed the crowd to lunch Todd and Quinn nearly jumping out of their seats when they saw us.

“Finn said you guys were skipping,” Todd said when he saw us.

“We came back,” Teddy said.

“Are you ok now, Will?” Todd asked me.

I nodded my head, Quinn, giving me a small smile, “I heard today in gym we’re going to be doing basketball. So that should be fun. Have you ever played basketball before?”

I shook my head, “I’m going to go grab some food.”

“Ok,” Todd said, “Well we’re here.”

I walked away. I wasn’t trying to be shy I was just…still so tired. I thought I wasn’t anymore but, suddenly I was super tired again. I wasn’t sure I wanted to deal with any of it. I remember wondering if I could just hide out in the bathroom while Gym was going on because I didn’t want to deal with any of that bullshit. Not Danny and not Julian and even though Ted was sure Mr. Brian wasn’t going to bother me I wasn’t sure about that.

I got my food and when I came back to the table Finn was sitting there and Teddy was gone Todd and Quinn sitting on opposite sides of the table diagonal from each other like they usually were. Finn motioning for me to sit a big grin on his face.

“You ok now?” he asked me.

“I think so,” I answered before taking a bite of my burger.

“I think Cole was really high earlier,” Finn told me.

“Why do you think Cole was high? Isn’t he one of the older guys?” Todd asked frowning at Finn.

“Yeah, he’s still one of us he’s just…”

“Wait, I know about Cole,” Quinn said, “He’s the one who…”

“Yeah, that’s Cole,” Finn said, “Anyway he’s friends with your brother, right? That’s how he’s friends with you?”

“Yeah, that’s right,” I said nodding my head.

“He…had a lot to say,” Finn said.

“I’m sure I know what about too,” I told him.

“Apparently he loves a lot of people. I mean he said he loved their dicks, but I think he meant…”

I felt my face turning red. That didn’t sound right to me. It sounded weird like someone who…he had been high enough to say that? To say that he…”

“Ok,” Todd said tapping my knee with his, “ok. I think it was your friend’s way of saying he likes certain people. Likes them a lot.”

“Yeah, he made it sound like that’s what he meant,” Finn said, “He encouraged me to “go for it” when it was safe. I’m not even sure what he meant but he also said, “don’t pin down his wings.” He didn’t make any sense. Like 0 sense.”

“I think he meant he thinks you guys would make a good couple,” Quinn said laughing into his chips.

“That’s what I thought he was getting at, but then he kept saying not to do it yet. And that it was dangerous so yeah…he was like all over the place. Like that was some good weed. He also said he was happy I was your safe space. I’m not a space. Last time I checked I was a person and I moved,” Finn pointed out.

“He means you make him feel safe,” Quinn said looking for my reaction, “Awe, that’s cute. That’s super cute! We won’t tell, ok?”

“You don’t even know if it’s true,” Finn said shaking his head, “I don’t know. I don’t picture Will saying that. The guy was like totally gone. High as a kite, I’m telling you. And like I said that doesn’t make any sense.”

“What if...?” I trailed off not sure I wanted to admit that in front of everyone my face feeling beyond hot.

“It’s ok,” Finn said, “It’s ok if you said that, I don’t mind.”

“Said what?” Teddy asked coming and sitting down with his food handing me a stick of polos.

“That I’m his safe space?” Finn said

“I think you’re making him even more nervous,” Teddy pointed out.

“Sorry,” Finn said, “It’s ok though. I don’t mind. It kind of makes me feel special.”

“We can’t,” I said shaking my head, “I can’t.”

“Yeah, you shouldn’t be talking about it. Even if it’s not true. It’s not ok,” Teddy said giving Finn and the other two a warning look.

They fell silent. I felt done. I didn’t want to talk about my feelings. Especially in a place where people could hear about them. Where it was one more thing Danny could use against me if he heard about it. Where if any of them chose to tell Lionel, I was in deep shit and so was anyone else who was mentioned. I couldn’t do it. 

“I’m…” I managed my voice shaking, “I’m going to go. I …I don’t feel so good.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Finn and Ted asked in unison.

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly getting up and leaving my tray on the table going to the bathroom where I usually went. 

I liked them. I did. I didn’t want them dead. Finn shouldn’t have said anything. Not in front of Todd and Quinn and not in the cafeteria. It wasn’t safe. He was going to take him away and it wasn’t safe, and it wasn’t fair, and I didn’t have anything that was mine and I never would. Especially not now.

He’d kill him. He’d kill him, and he’d never stop punishing me for it. I needed them. Even if I couldn’t have them I needed them. I needed him to be ok. He couldn’t talk about any of it. Not ever.

“Are you ok?” I heard someone ask me as I turned to see him.

“He’s going to kill you,” I told him shaking my head.

“What?!” he asked me.

“If he finds out, he’s going to kill you. You can’t be dead. You can’t…”

“Woah, ok. Will, look at me, please?” He said as I dared to actually look at his face, “Do I look dead to you?”

I shook my head.

“I’m not dead. No one is going to kill me. Todd and Quinn aren’t going to tell anyone. And you thinking I’m safe that doesn’t have to be a sex thing or a relationship thing. That can just be a friend thing. It doesn’t have to mean anything else, ok?” Finn tried to assure me.

“What about if Danny heard?” I asked him.

“If Danny heard I have Wallace to back me up. Record of Danny calling you a slut and Harem boy,” Finn said sounding confident, “Who is he going to believe? That I lied, and you lied and we’re going behind his back or that the brother of his protégé and his contract are both being targeted by someone who is angry with you because he can’t keep up with the curve you’re setting. Because you’re so gifted, so smart that he can’t keep his grades up on his own and he’s not fucking the right person to cut it?”  
“You really think so?” I asked him quietly.

“Yeah, and Teddy and Quinn and Todd wouldn’t ever say anything different. And you know it. Wallace is your mentor to keep an eye on you and make sure you don’t cheat on him. You’re not cheating. You saying that I make you feel safe, that isn’t cheating.”  
“He’ll say it is and then he’ll kill you and I can’t…”

“No,” Finn assured me, “And my brother knows. He fucking knows that I haven’t ever touched you. We’re friends, yeah but, we’re not any closer than you and Todd or Quinn. What Lionel thinks you can fuck with four people at once and then keep up with him and every other handler that’s grabbing your ass? That’s impossible. You can barely keep up with him and his fucking movies.”

His response stopped me cold. Stopped my tears. The way he looked at me. The anger and hurt in his face. Like he wasn’t mad at me but, for me. Like he wanted to help me, to stop it from happening and he couldn’t find a way to. That he was angry at everything because he couldn’t help me. That he wanted to try so hard to help me and there was nothing he could do. Not about Lionel.

“You’re mad?” I asked him.

“Not at you…at…at them,” he said quietly, “Ok stone? Not at you.”

I nodded my head. Not sure what to say the sound of him calling me that making my heart flutter. Making my face feel hot as I looked at him. As I watched him looking at me.

“Are we good?” Finn asked me.

I nodded my head not sure what to say but sure he felt the same thing I did. That he wanted to hug me and maybe more. That it was a safer, better if we didn’t touch. That it made more sense if we didn’t touch.

“Good,” he said nodding his head, “Why don’t we go finish lunch. Don’t you have gym after Lunch anyway? If you do, you need the fuel.”

“I’m not really that hungry,” I answered.

“Piss and vinegar can’t fuel you your whole life,” He muttered causing me to smile, “Yeah, come on. Let’s go eat.”

We finished eating Quinn and Todd telling me they were sorry they had made me uncomfortable and that they didn’t mean to imply anything was happening between me and anyone else. That they had just been messing around and asking me to forgive them which I did.

We did indeed end up being put into teams for basketball that day to start the next unit in gym class. I don’t even remember how teams were picked but my team ended up being Todd, Julian, Kevin, and Kegan. All of us were Brotherhood boys. I remember feeling sick to my stomach for Todd as he stood behind me trying to avoid being anywhere close to Julian and Kevin giving Todd and Julian weird looks.

We didn’t really play that day, but it was more to go over tactical plays. Kegan was quiet. He seemed like he felt uncomfortable with, everything. He kept pulling at his shirt and making sure his shorts were in place when he thought no one was looking.  
He had dark hair and gray eyes and like most brotherhood boys he wasn’t bad looking. His skin slightly Tan like Teddy’s. It reminded me most of someone else though, someone I couldn’t put my finger on. It didn’t matter who was speaking to him if they asked him anything, his answers a yes or no as he mostly watched everyone else trying to be invisible. I think I only realized who he reminded me of when Kev went to touch his shoulder and he jumped 10 feet in air Kevin giving him an apologetic look as Julian laughed.

“Shove it, you asshole,” Kevin spit.

“Why? Because you scared him? Look at our group we’re the most pathetic team in this whole gym. These three couldn’t score if a house cat was trying to defend the hoop,” Julian said.

“Shut up,” Todd muttered.

“I know a way you can make me,” Julian said smiling and winking at him Todd’s face going beet red in less than a second as he looked at his feet.

“You fucking….,” I started.

“And what are you going to do about it Harem boy? Fucking please, shut up,” Julian said shaking his head at me.

“You need to stop,” Kevin said.

“Why?” Julian asked.

“Because if you don’t I’ll make you. And it won’t be between me and your little fucking friend and you it’s going to be me and you. I will hand your ass to you after I tan it. Understood?” Kevin asked poking him in the chest with his index finger.

“I’d like to see you try,” Julian said.

“Really? Flag pole after school jackhole,” Kevin said.

“Fine,” Julian said, “I’ll still beat you. And don’t bring your fucking cousins to help you.”

“I don’t need my cousins. I can beat your ass without them.”

“We’ll see,” Julian said.

“Can we…like go back to…what we’re supposed to be doing?” I managed.

“It would be easier if he wasn’t a pervert,” Kevin hissed.

“I’m not, you just decided to take it that way,” Julian said.

“Bullshit,” Kegan whispered.

“Excuse me?” Julian asked him.

“I said that’s bullshit,” Kegan repeated shaking his head.

“And you think you have a right to even look at me you stupid fucking 2?” Julian said, “I’ll have your ass every which way I want it you even look at me again.”

“No, you won’t,” I said shaking my head.

“Oh ple…”

“Don’t. All I have to do is say one word, one. So, stop,” I warned him, “Keep it to yourself. “

“Oh, you found your balls suddenly?” Julian asked, “What’s it you call him? Daddy L? Daddy L help you fin…”

Just then Kevin hauled off punching him hard across the face. Hard enough to send him tumbling to the ground as we heard a whistle blow even though Kevin had a look of deep satisfaction on his face as Julian glared up at us.

“Sorry, I couldn’t help myself,” Kevin said looking at Father Everstein as he came over.

“Both of you, with me. Now,” Father Everstein muttered shaking his head at them and pointing towards the locker rooms before the three of them retreated towards their destination.

“Well,” Todd said blinking, “That was…”

“Are you guys ok?” Quinn asked leaving his group and hurrying our way, “What happened?”

“Julian just being the charming asshole that he has proven himself to be,” Kegan answered shrugging his shoulders.

“I think that’s the most I have ever heard you say,” Quinn mentioned even though he was smiling.

“I…,” Kegan shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know. I’ve never heard anyone threaten an untouchable like that before, let alone two.”

“Threaten them how?” Quinn asked frowning looking at all of us.

“Todd told him to shut up and he told Todd that there was a way to make him and he knew what it was. He started talking about a Daddy, in here, in…”

“Ok,” Quinn said, “Kegan you don’t have to be afraid of us, ok? We’re not going to hurt you and we don’t dislike you.”

“But I’m a 2,” Kegan said, “I’m a 2 and you’re…”

“Here it doesn’t matter what number is on our hips ok?” Quinn told him, “We don’t have any problems with you.”

“Won’t we get in trouble? For, you know, talking?” Kegan asked him.

“No,” Quinn said, “Not with me. My dad doesn’t care.”

“My dad hasn’t said either way,” Todd answered.

“I…I didn’t know it was a thing,” I answered.

I really didn’t. I didn’t know that because of someone’s rank I might not be allowed to talk to them. My dad didn’t seem to have a problem with it from what I remembered, and I would say that Lionel didn’t either but, I wasn’t 100% sure on that.

What would happen if Lionel decided I wasn’t allowed to talk to him? Would he punish me? Hurt James? I didn’t know what would happen so maybe I shouldn’t be talking to Kegan just to be safe? He’d stuck up for me and now he was going to think I was an asshole. 

“It can be,” Quinn said, “Are you ok?”

“He said something nasty to him. That’s when Kevin punched him,” Kegan told Quinn.

“Nasty how?” Quinn asked.

“Nasty as in he called the leader Daddy L,” Todd told him making me cringe.

That was something no one else called him. Not unless you were…everyone knew what it meant. No one was stupid enough to not know what it meant. You called them Daddy when you were…when you were fucking. It wasn’t very creative but, it was a dig at me. The comment about my balls now that was a bigger one. He was mouthy. Lionel was. 

His mouth was all over me all the time, especially in videos. Every handler was different. Some of them liked “nursing” or performing oral sex on you and some of them preferred only having anal sex. Some of them loved finger banging you and others preferred using their tongue, eating your ass out. Some of them would suck on your balls as they finger banged you until you were panting and couldn’t keep your eyes open and others liked tying you up and using toys on you more than anything else. It was mostly about what got them off most.

Lionel was…he liked using his mouth. Everywhere. When the camera was rolling other than his tongue going in my backdoor he wasn’t shy about it. About letting Tony film, him while he put his mouth all over my body, while he did those things.  
“Are you ok, Will?” Quinn asked me.

I shook my head. No, I wasn’t ok. I wasn’t ok with Julian hinting that he’d seen that. Seen me and…I wasn’t ok with that. That was very far from ok, my chest feeling tighter by the second, the longer I thought about it. That meant not only had Julian seen it, but probably Danny, and Wallace, and whoever…

“I’ve got you,” I heard Todd say as I felt someone grab me around the chest as I tried to breathe.

“I think he’s in shock,” Kegan said.

“No, really?” Quinn said, “Will, where’s your inhaler?”

“He usually…,” Todd trailed off, “Someone needs to go grab it. Quick it’s in his blazer!” 

“Someone needs to…,” Quinn trailed off, “I don’t know what to do here. What do we do? Will, can you breathe at all?”

“His lips are turning blue Q,” Todd said, “Will, do you need CPR?”

Did I need CPR? My lungs were still working just not very well. It felt like I was trying to breathe through a straw. Todd slapped my back as the rest of the class finally started to clue in that something exciting was happening as Kegan came back running across the gym and doing this impressive slide on his knees as he handed Todd my inhaler.

“How does that even feel?” Kegan asked quietly.

“I’m going to assume it doesn’t feel very good,” Quinn answered for him as Todd handed me my inhaler as I wheezed and coughed trying to breathe as I primed my inhaler and used it Mr. Brian rushing over as he realized everyone was looking in our direction.

“Is everything ok here?” Mr. Brian asked.

“He needed his inhaler. Kegan went to go get it for him,” Quinn answered.

“I think maybe we need to go to the nu…”

“I have him!” Todd hissed putting his arm out in front of me like he thought it was erecting an invisible barrier around me.

“Excuse me? Who is the teachers aid here? Who is responsible for your safety in this class while Father Everstein is taking care of other things? I am. So, you need to move.”

“Can’t he walk with him to the nurse’s office?” Quinn asked, “He’s his teammate.”

“I’ve got him,” Brian said holding out his open hand before wiggling his fingers at me.

Was he trying to get me alone? So, he could …help me find my balls as Julian had aptly pointed out Lionel had done. Was he going to try and use this moment as an excuse to…

“Ok, new arrangement Kevin is going on another team,” Fr. Everstein said returning before he looked around, “What’s going on here? Why does everyone have their eyes trained this way? What is…”

“He had an asthma attack I’m trying to take him to the nurse’s office,” Mr. Brian answered.

“Is it under control now, Mr. McGregor?” Father Everstein asked me.

“Yes, father,” I answered managing to keep myself from wheezing and coughing even though I could still feel the pressure in my chest.

“Then he’s fine. Leave them alone. Even though I am having Kevin switch teams with Fred,” Father Everstein announced.

“Father? Julian has…”

“Shut up! I do not,” Julian snapped.

“My decision is final,” Father Everstein said, “Now everyone sit down and plan out your tactical plays.”

Quinn shook his head walking away even though he was giving the back of Father Ever stein’s head the stink eye. Moving Kevin wouldn’t solve the problem. The only thing that would have solved the problem would have been putting Julian in a different group.   
One where he wasn’t with Todd and me.

“Julian,” Fred said giving Julian a cold glare.

“What you hot for their asses too?” Julian asked Fred.

“I think the problem might be that you are,” Fred said shaking his head.

“Are we really going to do this?” Julian asked Fred.

“Only if you make me,” Fred said shaking his head, “Are you going to be an asshole or are you going to keep whatever comments keep this one terrified of you to yourself?” 

Fred was referring to Todd I was pretty sure. He did seem to act like he was less than thrilled to be anywhere near Julian. He usually kept his head down and refused to make eye contact with Julian, tried to stay physically as far away from his as possible. Most people wouldn’t call that fear but, Fred was Brotherhood. Fred knew better.

“I’ll keep my mouth shut,” Julian said biting his bottom lip.

“Not fucking funny,” Fred said, “If you can’t keep it from showing on your face what you’re thinking I’m going to find excuses to put my hands on you and see how much you enjoy it.”

“So, we’re going to do this?” Julian asked again.

“I didn’t say that,” Fred said, “Now are we actually going to be able to get our work done here? Or is this just going to be me barking at you every time you open your mouth to say something you think is so smart that will eventually get you cracked upside the jaw again if you don’t keep it to yourself?”

“I’ll be good if they are,” Julian said smiling.

“And those are the types of things that are going to get you cracked upside the jaw,” Fred said, “I’m not joking. Don’t test it keep your mouth focused on basketball plays.”

Julian sighed falling silent and staying quiet for the rest of the class while the four of us talked about what plays we might use consulting a sample playbook that had been handed out to each team. We actually came up with some interesting ideas for Monday and named our plays while Julian mostly sat back and listened to us. 

I remember being slightly nervous about showers and changing, I usually was but at that point Quinn and Fred along with Kevin had this weird routine all worked out where Kevin usually watched us while we changed making sure everyone gave us our space and then Quinn and Fred made sure they were in the shower next to ours while we were in the shower room and then usually Fred walked us back to where Kevin kept on eye on us as we got redressed.

It was mostly for Todd. I’m still pretty sure about that. Danny was my main issue in that class and I didn’t think Danny wanted to assault me more than maybe bash my face in for messing with his grades where Julian, Julian was dangerous. Julian wanted to hurt Todd and his comments made it obvious to anyone who bothered to listen to the sexual undertones of the things he said.

“He knows how to make me shut my mouth. He knows what I want. Oh, I’ll be good all right” all of these were veiled threats meaning Todd just had to give Julian what it was he wanted, and he’d stop harassing him, stop looking at him like that, smiling at him like that and it would all be over. The only thing he could do to make it more obvious would be telling Todd to pull down his pants and bend over so Julian could fuck him and any brotherhood bottom in class knew that.

Being good meant doing what you were told, that meant you were behaving yourself. If Todd bend over technically Julian would be behaving himself because he’d be doing what his dad, what the leader and what Todd’s dad had all agreed to even if it wasn’t something Todd had any interest in.

“I’ll be good” was a threat and we all knew it. 

“Are you ok?” I asked Todd as he glanced around Kevin nodding at him as he pulled his shirt over his head.

“Yeah,” Todd muttered, “I’m fine.”

He didn’t look fine. He was shaking slightly his back to the room before he suddenly turned the movement catching my eyes as I saw something.

“Todd, what is…”

“Don’t,” Todd answered, “Don’t draw attention to it. It was stupid.”

“What happ…”

“Don’t!” He said using a firm voice and shaking his head as I pulled my shirt over my head, “Look I’m not the only one who has marks right now. So, just don’t, please?”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head as I pulled off my shorts and wrapped my towel around my waist before taking off my jock strap.

He was right. I was covered in bruises. Most of them at pressure points and joints. Places where they could grab hard and fast, places that would hurt and make you stop struggling against them quickly. The realization making me look at my arms and how my forearms were covered in brown and yellow marks, marks that looked like fingerprints, like I’d been dragged around by my arms.

“Is it weird,” Todd whispered giving me a half-cocked smile, “That all I can think is he is two rows that way just as naked as I am?”

“Quinn?” I asked him, and he nodded his head.

“I guess not,” I answered, “I mean, the thought of just…being alone with someone that you care about seems nice and he’s not bad looking.”

“He’s hot,” Todd said blushing slightly as he said the words.

“Aren’t you afraid of being caught?” I asked him.

“A little. I think that’s a part of the fun though,” Todd told him, “Don’t you want to too? You and Teddy have been acting pretty close lately.”

“I…I can’t,” I said shaking my head, “It’s not worth thinking about if I can’t.”

“He’s that strict?” Todd asked me frowning.

I nodded my head pulling my jockstrap off under my towel as Kevin cleared his throat and motioned at us that he was ready to move to the showers as both Todd and I stood up and followed him. I was happy for Todd and Quinn and whatever it was they were or weren’t doing. I was happy that they felt comfortable enough with each other to do those things but, talking about it was a little weird.

Did I want to fool around with people? God yes but, I couldn’t. There was no way I could possibly do so. Not the way Lionel was. He knew everything that happened to me. He knew when I cut myself which I had already done, and I was sure was going to piss him off, he knew who I talked to, he knew everything and there was nothing I could do to change that. I was his in every way possible and he would make sure it stayed that way so there wasn’t even a point in thinking about it.

We never really watched each other shower. We kept our backs to each other because one we were two boys right at the start of puberty and we were popping boners everywhere for no reason at all and two it was just kind of embarrassing a little bit. Having someone else able to see your body. See what they had done to you just because of the fact you had to take off your clothes.

“How is your brother doing?” I asked Todd.

“He’s doing ok. You mean my biological one, right?” Todd asked me.

“I almost forgot about the baby and your sister. My sisters are still small so …yeah.”

“Well, Rick is doing ok. He’s getting attached to Devon, the baby. He just turned 2 last week. Annabel is having trouble, nightmares, wetting the bed again suddenly and I don’t know what’s going on there. Dad doesn’t even care he has me take care of it. She’s almost nine years old and just suddenly wetting the bed again,” Todd filled me in.

“When we were in Montana our therapist said it’s a sign that things are getting worse. That the abuse is getting worse, someone suddenly wetting the bed again after not wetting it for years. James was easy to toilet train and then suddenly right before we left he was wetting the bed all the time again. Because of different things,” I commented.

“Dad doesn’t touch…” Todd trailed off, “Fuck. Fuck Fuck Fuck!”

“What?” I asked him.

“Dad has one of his employees hanging around. Deacon White. He’s like 23 or 24. Maybe I didn’t see it? Fucking! I’m a fucking idiot. She’s almost 9 years old and I…Jesus fucking…”

“It’s not your fault Todd,” I said shaking my head, “You didn’t think about it. Why would you?”

“Because I’m a fucking bottom! I should have fucking thought about! I should have! Jesus fucking Christ!” Todd said turning off his shower head beside me and grabbing his towel quickly and leaving.

My heart rate picked up as I scrambled to finish my own shower. The only thought in my head was that Julian was his Wallace, that Julian couldn’t get him alone. If he did something bad would happen especially if he was naked. That was my only thought that if I didn’t get out there something bad would happen to him.

Gym was our last class before the bell rang. The last 20 minutes of gym was for changing and shower time. After that, we went to the buses and headed home. It was like that every day besides Wednesday where we went from service to a shortened gym class and then home. Me hurrying and knocking on the wall next to Quinn and Fred’s stall.

“Yeah? You guys ready?” Quinn asked.

“Todd already left. He said something about Annabel and then freaked out and left without me,” I said Quinn opening the stall before he grabbed his towel and started running hitting the door with enough force it didn’t stop him as he ran into the locker room area as I followed behind him.

Danny was standing outside our row of lockers and you could hear whining Danny whistling before he walked away fully dressed a sick grin plastered on his face. Quinn turned the corner and swore loudly as he grabbed Julian hard by the tie dragging him away and punching him repeatedly in the stomach his towel falling to the ground as I moved forward.

Todd was curled up in a ball in the corner rocking back and forth his whole body shaking. He was still naked his arms wrapped around his knees trying to make himself as small as possible his chest heaving as he stared straight ahead at nothing his eyes wide as he trembled.

“Todd, what happened?” I asked him bending down near him.

“He…,” Todd managed taking a breath trying to calm himself down, “He tried to…I didn’t let him. Not at school, never at school.”

“He tried to what?” I asked him.

“Touch me,” Todd squeaked burying his face against his knees.

“Are you ok?” I asked him.

He shook his head. I don’t know why I asked other than I didn’t know what else to say. Todd curled up even tighter as I looked at him. I could only imagine what a sight everyone else was seeing as Julian hopefully got his kidneys pounded in by at least three people.

“Is there anything I can do?” I asked him quietly.

“I…I need my clothes,” he whispered.

“Bottom first or top?” I asked him.

“Underwear and stuff,” he muttered.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head before I turned to his already open locker and grabbed his underwear and undershirt handing it to him before grabbing my own and sliding it on under my towel, “Quinn is beating him up naked,” I mentioned.

“He shouldn’t do that,” Todd said shaking his head as he took a deep breath and started to uncurl him closing his eyes and gulping as he stood up.

I turned away to give him some space as I pulled my undershirt over my head and dropped my towel after sliding my underwear on under it. I understood his fear, him not wanting anyone to see his body. Him sighing as I heard him stand up.

“That mark, earlier? The bruise I didn’t want to talk about?” Todd said quietly, “That was them. They thought it would be funny to suck frosting off my skin this weekend.” Todd said before I heard his voice break like he was going to start crying.

“Oh, Todd,” I said quietly shaking my head at him, “I’m sorry. They had no right to do that to you. I can’t…do you need me to do anything for you?” I asked him.

“I…I don’t know.” Todd said shaking his head as he stood up pulling his shirt over his head, “I just know that I’m looking forward to this weekend because I supposedly won’t be going over there for whatever reason. So, that can only help, right?”

“I hope so. I hope that everything goes better this weekend for everyone,” I told him.

“You haven’t said a lot about it,” he mentioned.

“I was at a party where I needed an ice bath after I was done and then I spent some time with Teddy and him in a room full of cameras,” I summarized.

“I’m sorry,” Todd told me, “That sounds horrible.”

“It was,” I agreed, “I’ll be fine though. I have to be.”

“Me too,” Todd said nodding his head as we both put our oxfords on.

We got dressed and went to go check on Quinn who was getting dressed. He didn’t look like he’d been beaten up, not really. Meaning that hopefully, he got the best of Julian instead of getting his own ass handed to him for defending Todd. Quinn smiled when he saw us standing there.

“Are you ok? Did he hurt you?” Quinn asked.

“I’m ok,” Todd said, “You?”

“I’m not hurt or anything. Suspended next week for fighting but, it was worth it. Kicking him a few times in the chest and cracking his jaw was worth it,” Quinn answered.

“You broke his jaw?” I asked feeling shocked.

“Yeah,” Quinn said, “Me or Fred, not sure who but he was bleeding bad. I think we knocked out a couple of teeth. At least he’ll think twice before he tries anything at school again. Nasty ass fucker. Are you sure you’re ok T?”

“I’m fine,” Todd said nodding his head again, “I don’t know what him being beat so bad is going to do to me but, thank you. I’d rather he didn’t do it at school too.”

“Shit!” Quinn said shaking his head and punching his locker, “I didn’t think about that. Are you sure you’re going to be ok?”

“Yeah, Sam will probably give him a mouth full for just looking at me at school,” Todd said, “Sam doesn’t want his business known all over the place.”

“Aren’t they all like that?” Quinn asked rolling his eyes, “I just know that my dad is going to kill me once he finds out I’ve been suspended for seven days for fighting. He isn’t going to care what I was fighting about.”

“Are you worried?” I asked him.

“Slightly but, I’m sure it will be fine,” Quinn tried to assure yes.

“Really?” I asked him.

“Yeah, it was worth it,” Quinn said nodding his head.

Of course, he would say it was worth it. He would always think that Todd was worth it. He would probably think any of us were worth it. Quinn was like John in that way. He was a protector and he would do anything he could in order to make sure the people he cared about the most were taken care of, protected.

“You’ll let us know if it’s not, right?” I asked him.

“Huh,” Quinn said blowing air upward out of his mouth making his bangs move, “I don’t know. It’s not worth everyone worrying about shit. I’ll be fine. I always am. You want to give me your number so that I can call you if I need to talk?”

“Yeah,” I said as Quinn handed me a pen and then I wrote the number on his hand because he didn’t have any paper, “You’ll call me later?”

“Yeah, sure,” Quinn said, “You call me, got it?” 

He was looking at Todd, Todd who was still getting dressed. Todd who looked like he was still slightly out of it. I didn’t blame Todd for being out of it though. He had just been molested at school by someone that harassed him all the time. Like I had been Wednesday, and I hadn’t even been able to face Wallace that day, I had skipped that hour just to get away from him because I knew I couldn’t deal with seeing his face after everything that happened.

“I will,” Todd promised, “I swear.”

“As soon as you get home,” Quinn insisted.

“Yeah,” Todd answered nodding his head, “As soon as I get home. I promise Q, ok?”

“Good. I have to go and finish getting my clothes on. You guys take care of each other, all right?” Quinn warned us.

“Yeah,” we both said in unison.

With that Quinn smiled at us walking away. I didn’t know what to say but, I wanted Todd to know that he wasn’t alone. It wasn’t like I had talked about it, what Wallace had done, and it wasn’t like Todd would tell anyone. I knew Todd wouldn’t tell anyone about any details I told him.

“Do you know what Wallace did to me Wednesday?” I asked him.

“That he hurt you,” Todd said sitting down and putting on his socks.

“He rubbed on me. Through my underwear, until I…you know,” I admitted.

“Are you fucking serious?” Todd asked me his eyes going wide as he froze in animation his right sock halfway on his foot.

“Yeah,” I answered pulling up my pants and tucking in my oxford as I started doing them up, “Would I lie about it?”

“No, of course, you wouldn’t,” Todd said, “Sorry, I just. You don’t usually say those things.”

“You shared,” I told him, “So I thought I would.”

” That’s where he grabbed me,” Todd admitted, “Asked me if I thought it would make a difference if it was gone because all Sam does is fuck me anyway.”

“I’m sorry,” I told him, “It’s not fair. It’s not fair they get to do whatever they want, and we can’t even…we just have to stand there and let them, and it doesn’t matter where or when or…I’m so fucking sick of him. He was…he was my best friend! He was my best friend. I told him everything and then…he hates me. He hates me because of one fucking kiss forever ago and I can’t…”

He squeaked. Squeaked like he was trying to keep himself from crying. I didn’t hesitate to hug him to rub his shoulder, “It’s ok,” I told him

“It’s not ok,” He said shaking his head, “He hates me because I won’t…I don’t want him. I don’t want anyone like that. Not like that. Not even Q really, I don’t like people touching me. I don’t like…with Q it’s different. It’s so different. He never makes me do anything. Not ever.”

“Good, I don’t think someone should. That’s what my therapist in Montana said,” I told him.

“That’s not what my Dad says. He says Rick and I are teases. That the way we move it…,” Todd shook his head as he pulled his sweater vest over it.

“My therapist in Montana said that it’s all excuses. That they’re the adults and they know better. They have better self-control than we do. That even if we were flirting they know how to control themselves and they choose not to. They choose to do bad things because they want to,” I quoted Julie pulling my own vest over my head as I adjusted my tie making sure it was in place.

“What does your Dad say about it?” He asked me.

“He says I’m almost as good as my older brother,” I answered hating myself as I said the words, as I shared that information with someone.

“Does he say why he does it?” Todd asked me.

“No,” I shook my head, “He says that it’s because it’s what Da’s are supposed to do with their kids.”

“Oh,” Todd said quietly, “This feels weird. We should…”

“Stop talking about it, yeah,” I agreed nodding my head as I finished putting my blazer on and sat down to put on my socks and shoes, “Are you ready?”

“Just about, I just can’t get my tie straight. Like ever,” Todd said giving me a small smile as I looked at him, “I swear Rick is better at this than I am.”

“Let me help,” I said going over to him as he smiled at me, “I cheat. I don’t undo my tie completely for gym but loosen my knot and hang it up in my locker. But just use a Windsor knot. It’s easiest, just put the wide end over the thin end and then pull the loop up towards your neck and down underneath the thin part and then you’re going to loop it around again so the wider part is in front and then pull it through this little loop right here,” I said describing the process to him, “And that’s how you tie a Windsor knot.”

“Yeah, I didn’t get any of that,” Todd said smiling at me as we both giggled.

“Eventually you’ll have to figure it out,” I told him.

“Today is not that day though,” he told me making sure his collar was straight by checking in the full-length mirror hanging off the row of lockers across the aisle, “Thank you.”

“Yep and I’ll see you Sunday at church?” he asked me.

“Mhm,” I said nodding my head as I grabbed my bag and the bell rang.

And now it was time to start heading home. The bus ride was quiet which surprised me. Danny didn’t have anything to say though and I felt grateful for that. I didn’t think I could deal with Danny too after all the trouble that Julian had caused. Not after having to avoid Wallace just so I could breathe, just so I could stand being in my own skin.

When I got home, John was gone, and Pat and Cole were nowhere to be seen. I spent that evening reading until closer to bedtime at which point I do remember sitting down and watching TGIF with Mike and Matt. It seemed like maybe it would be a good night, a normal night until the lift kicked on right before Debbie was about to head home for the night Da coming out and talking to Debbie in the kitchen quietly for a while before Debbie told us she was heading home.

I felt like my stomach had jumped into my chest. I figured I might be in trouble and that I was going to pay for it but, at the time I had needed the space to breathe. Needed to be away from Wallace before I went crazy and earlier that day it had seemed like the only option I had. That was until Da sat down on the sofa next to me. 

It was the new season of boy meets world. The beginning of it probably the first episode and that was something that we had watched together every night on Friday for the past 3 years or so. Topanga’s parents were getting divorced and the opening scene was Shawn hunter talking about how he was fine when his mom left him when he was nine. The whole tone of the show seeming sad as Topanga insisted she didn’t want to get married anymore while they stood in their dorm room.

Da scooting closer to me on the sofa as I tried to focus on the television. His hand grabbing my knee and squeezing lightly as Angela and Topanga left the room storming out and leaving both Shawn and Cory standing there clueless the movement making me jump, making the whole sofa bounce slightly.

“You’re ok,” Da whispered in my ear in warning as I nodded my head my mouth feeling dry.

I didn’t feel ok. He wasn’t going to bother me this weekend so Da was? Why couldn’t they let me breathe? He’d…just last night. With John even and that wasn’t enough for him? That wasn’t enough to make him leave me alone?

“Relax,” he muttered into my neck undoing the second button of my oxford, my top button, and tie already discarded for the evening.

I felt like I was choking on the tie that was no longer around my neck. I wanted him to give me space that I knew he wasn’t going to give me and wasn’t stupid enough to ask for. He was going to spend the night in my room. I knew he was, I wasn’t stupid.  
It felt like the longer I sat there trying to ignore him the more he leaned into me, the more he kissed me, and the more buttons wound up undone on my shirt. By the time Eric and Jack were kicked out of the apartment Da had my undershirt up my stomach as was tickling my skin right above my belly button as I tried to focus on the TV the show only lasting a couple more minutes after that.

“Ok, Mike, Matt, it’s bedtime,” Da said taking his hand away as he stood up and left me sitting there.

“But Da, the next episode is on,” Matt said as an “up next” ad played that was not Boy meets world.

“Good try,” Da said smiling, “it’s bedtime.”

“Ok,” Matt said.

“Good, separate rooms and I don’t want to hear any sneaking around in the halls tonight. I love you both,” Da said as they both started down the hall.

“Love you too Da,” they both muttered one of them waving half-heartedly as they shut their separate bedroom doors.

Da put his arm around my shoulder, “Do you watch this?” Da asked me looking at the TV.

It was Sabrina the teenage witch. Yeah, John and I watched it together sometimes or at least we did until John wasn’t around anymore. I nodded my head looking at him.

“What? I’m interested in what you’re interested in,” he said, “I usually watch Dateline.”

“Should I go to bed?” I asked him.

“No, you don’t have to do that,” Da told me, “I wanted to ask you about your day. Why don’t you take off your button up? You’ve been wearing it all day, it has to be uncomfortable.”

So? I wanted to keep it on. Without it, I only had my undershirt on. My undershirt didn’t have any sleeves. It was just a white wife beater and it… sleeves made me feel safer. They felt right. I didn’t feel comfortable without them.

“It isn’t bothering me,” I insisted.

“Just take it off, relax a little bit,” he told me sitting up and looking at me before he smiled pulling his own shirt over his head, “See? No big deal.”

“Da…what are you doing?” I asked quietly.

“Trying to cuddle with my son and get him to relax,” Da told me as he undid the last button on my oxford, “Come on, take it off.”

He was telling me to do something. There wasn’t anything I could do. I wasn’t allowed to say no. I wasn’t allowed to deny him what he wanted. He was in charge and I had no right to resists unless I wanted someone to end up hurt.

I sighed closing my eyes before I took off my oxford Da smiling at me as I did it, as I hugged my arms around my body and looked at the TV. Da didn’t touch me but, watched me. Watched me watching the TV until Sabrina started writing Harvey a letter from her dad’s apartment in Paris then he put his hand on my knee.

“You’d never leave me like that would you honey?” he asked me, “I mean for school, sure but…that’s different than packing up and leaving for Paris just because someone said so. Like you’re mum for example.”

“Da…,” I said feeling myself start to tremble his hand moving up my thigh closer to my crotch as my face started to heat up.

“You’re a good boy. You’d never leave me again if your mum asked, right?” He prompted me.

No, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t…

I shook my head. Not sure what to say my being screaming at me to run, to run and lock my bedroom door but knowing if I did that if I even tried to do that he’d just do it to Mike or Matt instead. I couldn’t let that be my fault. 

“No, you’d never leave me again?” he asked leaning into me putting his hand in my lap, rubbing my crotch through my pants as my skin crawled.

I didn’t want to have sex with him. He knew I didn’t want to have sex with him and it didn’t matter. I felt like there was a stone in my throat choking me as I nodded my head in agreement his hand stroking me there, as he smiled at me and I stared at the TV wishing he would just stop. That he wouldn’t make it go any further.

“It’s ok Honey, you’re my good boy, aren’t you? You want to be one of my good boys,” he muttered kissing my ear lobe before he bit into the side of my neck lightly started sucking hard on it.

“We’re in the living room,” I pointed out.

“So? Everyone else is in bed. If we’re loud no one will come out unless they’re interested in seeing what we’re doing. It could be fun, playing and then getting cleaned up and going to bed,” he said smiling at me like that, that smile that always made my insides turn cold.

He stood up, undoing his pants and letting them slide down his legs before he sat back down kissing me and grabbing my hand, putting my hand there as I tried to turn away, turn my face away from him because I didn’t want to. I didn’t want him kissing me, having sex with me.

“Da, Please can’t we ju…”

He grabbed me hard by the chin pressing his index finger and thumb into the condyle of my jaw bone, “Why can’t you just be a good boy for me like you are for Daddy L?” he asked breathing the words into my face, nearly into my mouth as I froze the pinching pressure shocking me as he pushed hard on my jaw smiling as he saw the expression on my face.

“So, you’re going to be good for me?” he asked me before shoving his tongue in my mouth without warning.

No, no no, no…I didn’t want to. Not like this, not like this…please stop, please just stop, please…

He didn’t break the kiss until I was breathless, my chest heaving as he pulled my undershirt up over my head.

“Da, please,” I somehow found the courage to beg, “Daddy, Please, please not out here, not…”

He smacked me hard in the face, hard enough to sting and get my attention, “You don’t tell me where or when. Do you understand?” he hissed at me barely above a whisper, “You’re lucky I like hearing you call me that otherwise, I’d rip your boy cunt wide open. I’m going to be nice and you’re going to give me what I want. Now stand up and take off your clothes.”

He was serious. He was going to make me do it. Right there on the sofa in the living room. Right where my little brothers and sisters sat as they watched TV all day. 

“Do it before I decide that maybe I want us to make our own private video, so I can watch it again later,” he warned me reminding me of the camera in my room. Of the camera, he used to watch me, that I was pretty sure Lionel used to watch me.

I stood up and nodded my head pulling my shirt off the rest of the way and letting it fall from my hand to the floor before I undid my pants and sat down pulling them off along with my socks leaving me sitting on the sofa in only my underwear. I remember being too afraid to look at him because if he saw the look in my eyes it wouldn’t be a warning, he’d go get one of them or he’d do it, make me have sex in front of the camera. He released his breath loudly like he was relieved. Like he was happy.

“That’s my good boy,” he muttered running his hand along my collar bone, “Why can’t you just be a good boy in the first place huh? Like you are for him. Do you like him better? Is that what it is?” Da asked me.

I shook my head no. I was more afraid of him. While he wouldn’t stop Da from hurting me I had a feeling that Da wouldn’t kill me as long as he wanted me. The moment Lionel didn’t want me anymore, I no longer had that protection. I could push Da a little bit, deny him a little bit and I’d still be safe to a point but, only to a point. Lionel if I denied him I don’t think he honestly cared what Da thought. He’d kill me, or he’d kill or hurt someone else and it would be my fault. At least at home, I only had to worry about my brothers and he usually gave more than a few warnings where Lionel had proven that one warning was often all you got and then he started hurting, bending fingers or bruising arms. 

“Then why can’t you be good for me too, honey, huh?” he asked in a whisper against my neck as I tried to be still as he moved so he was on his knees in front of me between my legs as the next show started. A show that I didn’t really watch. 

I closed my eyes as his tongue dipped into my belly button as I tensed up. I knew what he was doing. He’d never done it like that before but, I knew what he was doing. That was something we did in bed and not like that. Not on the couch where anyone could see it if they opened their bedroom doors. Not with him on his knees between my legs.

“Shhh…,” he said looking up at me from where he was sitting, “Shhh…” he said kissing the tops of my hands as he grabbed them, “I just want to taste how sweet you are, make you melt in my mouth before I enjoy you completely, ok? It’s not a bad thing. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I’ll do it just like he does.” He told me my throat feeling tight as he said the words.

In the last video where it had been Teddy and Luke and I after we had finished, and he had let James and Luke leave and go back up to the apartment he had made Teddy and I stay behind and shoot some more stuff. It had started Teddy and I sitting on a sofa and kissing a lot. Lionel had walked in and said his lines and then gotten on his knees and blown me and then Teddy before he had…before he had made us have sex with him while Tony filmed it.

I didn’t think they would release a video that fast. So fast that I…it had just been filmed 6 days before. It didn’t occur to me that my Da might be privy to a preview because I was his son. 

“We’ll do it just like he does,” he repeated as he placed both of my hand's palms down on the back of his head as my brain started to process what he was saying. What he was doing and what he wanted me to do as he forced my hips up and rolled my underwear down. All the way down my legs until they were off.

He was sitting between them in a way where I couldn’t close them without closing them around his head as he started licking my inner thighs. Sucking on them before he finally put me in his mouth making me gasp and hiss in surprise as I tried to stay calm. My body not prepared for him to just deep throat me right off the bat like he did.

He sucked hard for a good minute before running his tongue along my shaft as he let go smiling up at me as he started running my hands through his hair, “Just like the video,” he told me.

He wanted me to beg him just like in the video. In the video where he had made me cup his head and hold him to my crotch as he had sucked and licked and fingered me until I was drooling mess and then he had done the same thing to Teddy while Teddy had continued to finger me. Da smiling as he started sucking on my tip one of his fingers sliding it inside of me as he waited for me to say the words. He stopped again looking up at me expectantly before he warned me, “Do it or I’ll make someone else watch it and do it instead.”

The moment his mouth was on me I used my best porno voice, “Oh yeah suck me, daddy. Suck my fruit, suck me and finger me, daddy, it feels so good. Suck me, daddy, suck my fruit daddy…”

He didn’t let up. He licked and kissed and sucked everywhere. He didn’t even stop when I started to tell him I was going to…to orgasm my whole-body shivering as it hit my system as I felt my legs spasm and jerk and I moaned loudly and I mean LOUDLY. Him pulling away and wiping his chin only as my breathing slowed down from a heave to a small pant as he kissed my inner thighs again and stood up.

He looked very pleased with himself. The evidence not only on his face as he looked at me before he kissed the top of my head, “I’ll be right back honey, ok?”

I didn’t know what to say or do my whole face burning as he got up I was sure everyone had heard me. Heard me say those dirty nasty things. Heard me…Da coming back holding the tube of Vaseline his penis erect and already shiny where he had smeared a glob of it on himself. 

“Come on honey,” He said climbing halfway onto the sofa and pushing inside me, “Just like the video.”

“AHHH!” I managed loudly before he repeated himself telling me that I had to do it just like the video. Just like I had with Daddy L, “F…f…fuck my cunt until…until I drool.” I barely managed as he started thrusting.

I wanted to cry. I felt dirty, beyond dirty. I knew they could hear it. I wasn’t stupid enough to think they hadn’t. I wanted my body to stop feeling it, feeling what he was doing to me, how he kept hitting that spot. That spot that just made me feel like I had to pee and that something was wrong, and he wouldn’t. That spot that made it impossible to stay silent. 

“Daddy, I…. I…I’m…”

“That’s it honey give me that sweet stuff, such a sweet boy with a sweet pussy,” Da muttered into my ear hitting against my prostate hard three or four times until my whole body just collapsed as I finished ejaculating and he finished inside me kissing my neck and my chest before resting his head on me, “That was good. Really nice almost as good as your brother. You might not look like him but the older you get the closer you seem to get to fucking like he does. Daddy L must be training you well. You want to go get cleaned up, we’ll go to sleep?”

I didn’t know what to say. I knew he meant together. That wasn’t something he usually did with me but, I had this weird feeling that’s what he meant. I nodded my head not sure what to say because I knew if I told him I wanted to be alone he’d just get angry with me. 

He kissed the center of my chest before he made a grunting sound and stood up offering me his hand and helping me to my very unstable feet on my very sore legs. I stumbled slightly as I went to move Da laughing at me and picking me up.

“It’s ok Honey, I’ve got you. That happens to John too. We just go so long and it’s so fucking amazing that he can barely move after we’re done. That’s ok,” he said carrying me to my bedroom and into my bathroom helping me sit on the toilet as he started running the bath water.

“He’s really doing good with you. When you get older you’re going to be even better. You’ll be able to get anything you want in life if you can perform like that,” he said loudly over the water.

So, if I was a good slut…if …

I didn’t want to do that. Not ever. Not in a million years.

“HEY!” he said loudly making me jump, “What was that huh? What the hell was that?”

“I…I…” I said feeling my face heating up, panicking because he was yelling at me and I didn’t understand why.

“You were staring at me like a fucking zombie. Is that what Lionel meant when he said you freeze sometimes? Don’t do that. People are going to think you’re fucking weird. There’s nothing attractive about a boy who checks out when you’re trying to have a conversation with him to the point where he doesn’t respond at all,” Da told me as he turned off the water, “How about we get a nice soak in, ok? Then you can tell me how school is going?”

“I…”

“Stop it. Act normal, you’re fine. I just showed you how much I love you quit pausing and stuttering like you’ve gone retarded,” Da warned me.

“Sorry,” I managed as he picked me up lowering me into the water before he climbed in behind me pulling me back, so I was in his lap forcing me to lay back against his chest.

“So, how is school going?” he asked me.

“Ok, I guess,” I answered quietly.

“Honey, calm down. Nothing bad is going to happen, ok? Why are you so nervous?” he asked me.

Because he’d just raped me on the sofa in the living room where anyone could have walked out. Because he had just…and I was so loud and so fucking stupid and I…

“I don’t know,” I lied, “I’ve been trying to be good.”

“I know you try,” he told me kissing the back of my shoulders before starting to rub them, “And you do a good job. I think your anxiety just gets the best of you sometimes.”

“I don’t mean to be anxious Da,” I said quietly, “I really don’t I just…sometimes I …sorry, it’s hard to explain.”

“I’d imagine it would be hard to come up with a good excuse as to why you skipped an hour at school,” he said making me freeze as he continued to rub my shoulders, “What? You thought they wouldn’t call me when my son didn’t show up for one of his classes?”

“I’m sorry,” I said not sure what he was going to do. If he was going to hurt me or not.

“Oh, I’m sure you are,” he said quietly as he still kept rubbing, “I figured maybe you weren’t getting enough attention from me so we’re going to start spending more time together, ok? Just you and me. Can you tell me what made you so anxious you felt like your only choice was to skip class?”

“He scares me,” I barely whispered.

“Who?” Da asked me sounding confused.

“My…my mentor,” I answered feeling my body start to shake.

“Wallace Huber? Why does he scare you, honey? He’s harmless,” he told me.

He wasn’t. He wasn’t harmless he’d…

“Why are you crying? What’s wrong?” Da asked sounding genuinely worried.

“Da, he scares me. He scares me so much and I can…”

“Shhh…calm down,” Da said hugging me tightly from behind, “Just calm down, breathe. You’re ok, William, just breathe. Take a few minutes. Why does he scare you, honey?”

I gave myself a few minutes to try and calm down, Da not helping at all as he continued to rub my shoulders. How could he not know? If he talked to Lionel all the time, how could he not know?

“He says things,” I answered quietly, “He wants to hold my hand all the time. Touch me.”

“Why does that scare you though, Honey? There isn’t any reason why that should scare you. Lionel handpicked your mentor because he thought Wallace would be a good fit. What do you mean he touches you?” Da asked.

“He makes me go to the stacks, the long high shelves at the back of the library and then he makes me hold his hand and he tries to kiss me,” I answered honestly, “He takes me into the bathroom and he…I don’t like it Da, anyone could just walk over around the shelf and see and I can’t…”

“Ok, Shhh…he’s just trying to get you out of your shell, honey. He’s trying to loosen you up. That’s all. You’re just so shy Lionel thought it would be good to see if pairing you with someone a little forceful would bring out your adventurous side. You know, get you a little excited so you could practice for the cameras. Trust me, Lionel has a reason for everything he does, and I honestly must agree with him. If you just relax I think Wallace could really help you open some doors.”

What? I remember my brain going blank for a second and that being the first thought that entered my mind afterward; what? I knew I was shy. I wasn’t stupid, everyone pointed it out. That’s why he liked me I thought and yet he…

How was Wallace calling me a cock slut and assaulting me going to make me less shy? He did it where ever he wanted to. He’d made me jack him off in the bathroom and he said those gross things that made me feel beyond dirty loud enough that if someone got close they could hear. Anyone could hear, and no one would ever do anything about it. He constantly touched me, my knees, my legs, very close to…to my crotch. He made me hold his hand and hung off me where everyone could see and no one, but the one guy, Martel ever said or did anything to stop him and Da was claiming it was to get me to loosen up. To be less shy. 

Humiliating me wouldn’t make me less shy. If anything, you would think that would do the opposite. My brain realizing what he was saying. That Lionel wanted me desensitized to it, so he could film me where ever he wanted to without having to take time between scenes to calm me down. 

When filming I froze up and often. I would just freeze like Da had yelled at me for doing and it would take a couple of minutes for me to relax enough that I came back, that I moved and became aware again. It took time away from filming and it frustrated Tony and I knew it frustrated Lionel but, I couldn’t help it. All I could think about were the blinking red lights on the cameras and the boom boys watching and…everyone just watching. How they could see me naked how they could see me…everything.

It always took me time when I stepped beyond that door to calm down enough that I wasn’t visibly shaking on camera. That I was responding to them, saying what they wanted doing what they wanted the way they wanted me to even if I knew there was a whipping boy because…because it was my body and my brain and I could feel it and they always made me feel things I didn’t want to feel and I wasn’t ok with and sometimes it hurt and other times it didn’t and Tony always made comments and told me what to say and how to move and I couldn’t…I couldn’t do it. Not right, that’s why he gave me to Wallace.

“Hey, hey calm! WILLIAM!” Da said clapping his hands in front of my face, “You’re fine. You need to stop rocking unless you want to do it on my cock, do you understand?”

I nodded my head. I hadn’t even realized I was rocking. Rocking back and forth slightly as he tried to rub my shoulders, tried to calm me down and I just started feeling more and more anxious my whole-body trembling as my chest started getting tighter and tighter a low wheezing or whistling every time I inhaled.

“I’m going to go get your inhaler and get you some fucking meds. You’re fine though. There isn’t any reason for that boy to scare you. If he was a real threat to you Lionel wouldn’t let him anywhere near you. He cares about you. Wallace is your mentor because he’s only going to help you improve yourself,” Da told me as he got out of the tub pushing me forward slightly, so he could go get what he needed to before he came back.

When he came back he was holding two pills and my inhaler a juice box of apple juice also in his hand before he pushed the pills into my mouth like I was a little child and squirting the apple juice down my throat to make sure I swallowed before he administered my inhaler to me to open up my bronchial tubes in my lungs so I could breathe easier. So, I could calm down.

Oddly enough after it got easier to breathe. I did stop crying, my body shaking a little less even as Da washed me. Kept telling me I was ok. Kept trying to assure me that Wallace wasn’t going to hurt me because he couldn’t. Because Lionel would never put me with someone who would seriously hurt me.

He already had. Wallace had already hurt me. Repeatedly. I didn’t see that stopping. I knew Teddy said that it might, but he also said that Lionel might be mad at me for making a big deal about it. Making a big deal about nothing. I remember feeling calm at first as he washed me and then suddenly, sleepy and warm. Really sleepy.

I don’t even remember falling asleep. I’m sure it was the medication, that maybe he gave me too much. I’m not sure if it was to drug me on purpose or just to calm me down because of my behavior but when I woke up I remember feeling really groggy and sitting up, looking around and realizing I wasn’t in my bed but, in his. In Da’s naked. That he was beside me sound asleep probably also naked.

I didn’t feel clean, in fact, I felt the opposite, sticky. Sticky in there. Goosebumps breaking out over my body as the hair on the back of my neck stood on end. As I felt my face heating up. I didn’t remember…I didn’t remember having sex with him again. I didn’t remember him taking me downstairs, I didn’t remember any of it. I wasn’t sure what I was even doing. What I was supposed to do. 

“Da?” I asked quietly him not moving, not stirring at all, “Daddy?” I tried again.

“Oh, hey sleepy,” Da said rolling over as he stretched so he was looking at me, “What’s going on?”

“When did we come downstairs?” I asked him.

“After we finished having a bath, why?” he asked me.

“Nothing,” I said shaking my head not sure what else to say, “I’m…can I use the loo?”

“Of course, you can, honey,” Da said, “Something’s wrong. What’s wrong?”

He sat up as I got out of bed feeling beyond stupid about the fact that I was naked, using my hands to cover myself the best I could as I got up and walked into the bathroom the sound of him moving very evident, making me aware he was following me. That he was following me into the bathroom.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” Da said.

“I don’t…we…”

“Ah. You were asleep honey. Don’t worry about it, I didn’t hurt you,” He said behind me, “I gave you something a little stronger than Dr. Palmer prescribed you it was still a sedative just a little stronger. Your grandpa used to do it to me all the time and it never hurt anything.”

I felt sick to my stomach. He’d drugged me. He’d drugged me so that I was passed out and then he’d had sex with me again.

“Move over, I have to piss now too,” he told me coming up beside me as I moved over slightly so he could aim too. I wasn’t sure what to say. I wasn’t sure if there was anything I could say. When he said he wanted to spend more time with me, I hadn’t…I don’t know what I thought that meant but, I didn’t think it meant drugging me. Having sex with me while I was passed out and couldn’t wake up.

And now suddenly all the lies I had told John about Da being the main problem, all the sudden they were becoming true. He’d never drugged me before. No one had. I didn’t…

“You’re not freezing up, are you?” Da asked me as I finished peeing, “It was just a little Mandrax.”

I didn’t know what that was. He’d said it was a sedative though, so I figured it was something like Ativan. It wasn’t. While Ativan is a type of sedative it’s a benzodiazepine. Which is commonly used to treat anxiety disorders and calm down people having panic attacks. Mandrax is a quinazolinone and used to help those with insomnia. While back home in the UK its brand name is Mandrax in the US it has another name that is more commonly known, Quaalude. That’s why I was so groggy. Because he’d given me Quaaludes.

“No, Da, I’m ok,” I answered even though I felt very far from ok.

“Just a little groggy? Mandrax will do that to you,” he told me as he finished using the bathroom going behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist pulling me into him, his penis pressing up against the small of my back, “How about we get back in bed?”  
I nodded my head. I still felt sick to my stomach but, I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t cry. He’d tell him and then I’d be in even worse trouble than I already was for everything else, for Wallace.

“What’s going on?” he asked me.

“My stomach,” I muttered as I climbed back into bed Da pulling the covers over me and tucking me back in before he walked around and got in on the other side.

“It could be from the mandrax too. Maybe you need to go back to sleep? It’s 9 am,” Da said looking at the alarm clock on his nightstand.

“Don’t you need to go to work?” I asked him quietly.

“I said I was going to spend more time with you,” he told me, “So, I took the day off. I figured we can stay down here. Maybe I’ll spoil you a little bit. Spend a lazy morning into the afternoon down here in bed just relaxing. Maybe get dressed and take you to the palm for dinner?”

“I can’t go upstairs?” I asked quietly.

“No, we’re spending time together,” he told me frowning, “That’s what I just said. Do you think I took the day off to stay in here by myself? I took the day off, so I could make you blow your load until you can’t see straight, honey. Why else would I take a day off?”

“I’m sorry,” I said feeling like I had done something wrong, said something wrong, “I didn’t mean to make it sound like…”

“Ok,” he said, “it’s ok. You’re really jumpy lately. I’m going to go upstairs and grab your medication. Can I get a kiss?”

That sounded familiar. Something Wallace had said. Something Lionel had said.

I wasn’t sure what he was waiting for or why I just…but I leaned over and wrapped my arms around his neck shoving my tongue into his mouth. Kissing him. Kissing him like I knew he was asking me to. Kissing him like they all asked me to.

I somehow managed to stay calm until he rolled over pinning me under him my heart rate picking up as I slid my hands from his neck to his chest as he shifted his weight. As he pushed me flat into the bed under him.

“Ok, ok it’s ok. It’s ok don’t freak, don’t freak,” I thought as I tried to keep kissing him, tried to keep kissing back as he kissed me so that his mouth wouldn’t leave mine, so that he wouldn’t start kissing other places, doing other things his hands starting to slide down my naked sides towards my hips.

Ok, this wasn’t ok. This wasn’t ok. I needed him to stop. I needed him to stop I thought grabbing for his hands as I started to squirm. Him finally breaking the kiss with me as I must have kicked him or something.

“You’re getting wiggly,” Da told me, “I wasn’t expecting this though. It’s nice but, you need to try and stop moving so much ok, honey?”

“I…can’t breathe,” I told him as he sat up taking his weight off me.

“Do you need your inhaler?” he asked me looking concerned for my wellbeing.

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly my whole body feeling hot.

“Give yourself a minute,” Da told me, “Surprised yourself a little bit, maybe? Didn’t realize you had it in you?”

Had it in me to make out with my own Da without a second thought? Of course, I didn’t know I had that in me. I’d heard the phrase too many times, “can I get a kiss?” “just give me a kiss, that’s it.” My brain automatically giving it over without a second thought especially because no one was there to see it. Nothing was there to record it.

“Did I do that last night?” I somehow managed to ask.

“You were completely passed out, Honey,” he answered, “You made me feel good though. It was good.”

He said it like it should be something I was happy about. Something that made me proud when I couldn’t remember it at all. Why would I be proud of something I didn’t remember? Something that was beyond disgusting, something a slut would do.

“Do you want to slow it down a little bit, practice real love?” he asked me smiling as he brushed some hair back behind my ear.

I hated hearing him call it that. Like I was a fucking little kid. Like I didn’t know what it was he was talking about or that Lionel hadn’t let anyone who asked him if he could fuck me. That’s what he wanted. He wanted to fuck me.

I don’t remember even thinking it. The only thing I remember thinking was that I wanted it over with. That I wasn’t going to be able to stop him from doing it and if I didn’t he was just going to hurt someone. Something in my brain clicking as I looked at him as he watched me, his eyes looking at me like that. 

“Is that how you want it?” I asked him.

“Oh,” he said his smile growing, “Show me what you’ve got.”

“What do you want, Daddy?” I asked him lying flat on my back as he straddled me smiling.

“I want you,” he whispered.

“Yeah? How do you want me?” I asked my brain blurting out lines Tony had fed to me repeatedly. That I had heard repeatedly.

“How do you want me?” he asked.

“Inside,” I answered my brain blanking as I said it, as I realized what I was doing, what I was saying, “Wait,” I said as Da lined up, “wait, wait! Da I …” I barely managed as he pushed in.  
“Don’t be a tease. You just asked for it,” he said smiling as my eyes went wide and the air got caught in my chest, “You like it don’t you, honey? My sweet little cock slut. Love having a cock inside you. Love…” he kissed me on the mouth hard, biting my bottom lip lightly as he started moving, “Daddy cock inside you.”

I couldn’t even speak or think. All I could do was pant like a fucking dog. Each thrust hitting something I wasn’t ready for, hitting something I wanted him to stop hitting.

When we were done I was humiliated. I hated myself and all he did was pull out and hold me as he started to snore. All I could think was, maybe that’s why he never talked about anything, why he cried all the time because if he didn’t cry when Da wasn’t there, he …he couldn’t do it while he was.

I remember wondering if the way I felt if that’s what dying felt like. The hollow feeling in my stomach, in my body. The hollow feeling that wouldn’t go away because while I wasn’t paying attention they had really made me into a slut. A slut that asked for it. A cock slut.


	82. Chapter 82

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will has an unexpectedly bad day at school and learns more about why he's drawing so much unwanted attention from Trackers. Todd confides in Will about some of his worries with his contract and Will ponders his feelings for Finn and Teddy even more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2134 to 2170 **Warnings: Talk of sexual abuse, cult stuff, mental health issues, bullying, sexual harassment, anxiety, growing up, crushes, puberty.** There's a lot going on in here too. Poor Will just can't catch a break lately **John's POV part 2 Chapter 32**

I wish I could say something good happened that weekend but, after that point, the whole thing is a blur. I don’t think he took me anywhere. I vaguely remember pizza which was something that he would have ordered take away for or delivery and not taken me out to eat. 

I don’t even remember church that Sunday, nothing really until Monday morning. Da hadn’t left me alone all weekend. He…it was so many times I lost count. Calling me a cock slut and telling me I liked it. My brain blanking out only to come back only to find he was still on top of me. I felt like my whole world had fallen apart and I didn’t know what to do anymore. 

I think Quinn tried to talk to me on the bus but, my brain was too fried, and I was too tired to say something. I felt like I hadn’t slept at all. Like everything was too much, the sun, the people moving around, just everything.

Quinn grabbing my arm and startling me as we walked through the doorway of Carrick's class. Quinn jumping back for some reason. Some reason I didn’t really understand.

“What’s wrong?” he asked taking his hand away.

“Nothing,” I lied.

“Will, I’m serious. What’s…”

“NOTHING!” I said loudly shaking my head.

“Is something upsetting you Mr. McGregor?” Father Cadrick asked not looking up from the papers he was refiling through.

“No, sir,” I answered sitting down.

“Then there is no need to raise your voice,” Father Cadrick replied.

“You’re right. I’m sorry, father,” I told him sitting down next to Quinn as more people started filing into the room.

“I’m sorry, Quinn. I just don’t want to talk about it right now, ok?” I told him.

“Ok, that’s all right. I’m just worried,” Quinn told me, “You walked right past everyone. That’s not something you do unless something is bothering you.”

“I have to see him today, ok? I had a bad weekend and I have to see him today and I don’t want to,” I finally admitted.

I think it was the first time I had admitted it to myself even though it was something I had been thinking about all weekend. Something that had been sitting in the back of my mind every time I had blanked out when he was on top of me. That I had to see Wallace, sit next to him. That he was going to…and I couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t sit next to him knowing he wanted to do that to me. Take me somewhere and do that. That he wanted to rape me like my Da had raped me. Call me the same names my Da had called me. But, I couldn’t skip.

If I did Da having sex with me all weekend long would be the least of my problems. Because that’s why he had done it, to punish me. To show me it wasn’t that bad. That being subjected to almost being forced to have sex at school wasn’t bad enough to skip. That it could be worse.

He’d gotten the message across. He’d pounded it into me. So much so that I had just accepted it. Told him I wanted it even. And that made me ashamed and angry at myself, at everything.

“Maybe you can talk to Te… Hey Teddy, we were just talking about you,” Quinn said, “How was your weekend?” 

“Same shit different day,” Teddy said, “Someone didn’t call me when they said they would.”

“Yeah, sorry,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“Can I talk to you alone in a little bit?” Teddy asked me.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head at my desk before class started.

I don’t even remember what happened. I think we did a lot of reading. Some maths. Nothing super hard and it obviously didn’t keep my brain focused. Teddy tapped me on the shoulder walking past me and into the bathroom that we usually stopped in when we needed to for Lunch in the square because it was early and between classes but, we needed to head to the upper school area anyway to get to the library. 

I followed him. You would think the last thing I wanted was to be touched but I walked right into his arms and he held me for a minute. Quietly like he knew I needed it, I needed him or someone him breathing into my neck as he rested his head on my right shoulder and I rested mine on his left.

“It’s ok,” he told me as I held him tightly, “You can let it go. Will, whatever happened it’s ok to be upset. To cry about it.”

I shook my head. If I cried I wouldn’t be numb anymore. I had to be numb to deal with him. That was the only way I’d get through it. That I’d get through it without having to skip again or without breaking down. It was the only way I’d get through it without Wallace telling Lionel I was “acting abused” again.

I was too tired to cry, if I started I wouldn’t stop and I didn’t want to get in trouble. In worse trouble than I felt like I already was for what Wallace and I had done. For what had happened last week that I was still waiting to hear about.

“My dad spent the weekend with me. He said he thinks he’s not giving me enough attention and maybe that’s why we skipped. So, he…,” I shrugged my shoulders, “I don’t want to talk about it, ok?”

“Ok,” Teddy said nodding his head against my shoulder, “I won’t ever make you talk about anything you don’t’ want. Is there anything I can do?”

“This,” I answered closing my eyes and breathing deeply, “This helps.”

“Good,” he said, “I’m sorry everything is so hard right now.”

“It’s not your fault,” I said, “You know it’s not your fault.”

“I know,” Ted said quietly as the first bell rang meaning we had 10 minutes to get to class, “I have to go back. Because you know…yeah, different class.”

“Yeah, I must start heading towards the upper school,” I told him.

“I know, keep close to Finn and Todd, ok? Please? At least try,” Teddy warned me.

“I’ll try,” I agreed.

“Ok, I’ll see you at lunch,” Teddy said giving me a small smile before he gave me a tight squeeze and let me go leaving the bathroom without turning around.

It felt better, more stable. Like somehow his arms had been the glue that had helped me piece myself back together even if it was only temporary. Like maybe I’d be ok even if it was just for the 3 hours I had to sit next to him and hear his voice. Feel his hand on my thigh if I was lucky. If I wasn’t…listen to him say those things and tell me he’d stop if I just made out with him, just let him…

I sighed heavily gathering a little bit of the courage Teddy had helped me find and opened the bathroom door. I started to head towards the upper school as I saw Pat and John both of them looking at me before they both quickly walked up to me. I noticed my shoe was untied so I bent down to tie it even though I saw them coming not thinking it was a big deal. Not thinking anything of it really only that I wished the square wasn’t suddenly so crowded especially right outside the upper school double doors.

“Hey,” I said when I was sure they were close enough to hear me.

“Hey, man. Can we talk for a second?” Pat asked me.

I knew what John wanted to talk about. We hadn’t talked about it at all. I didn’t want to. As far as I was concerned it was a dream, it didn’t happen. It couldn’t be real, God couldn’t hate me that much that he had allowed my Da to force me into doing that with John. If I didn’t talk about it, that meant it hadn’t happened.

I couldn’t believe he was asking Pat to talk about it. That he had told him about it. I mean I guess I could understand it because Pat was his boyfriend and it was pretty…he needed someone, and I got that but, it felt…I didn’t want people knowing we had done that. That Da had made us do that and then kept me trapped all weekend. I didn’t want to deal with it especially right before I had to go see Wallace.

“I think this is a talk that he and I need to have alone, Pat,” I said shaking my head.

“Probably, but he thinks you hate him,” Pat told me quietly.

He thought I hated him? For what? For doing what Da told him to? For protecting our siblings like I had. That’s why we had just …that was ridiculous. I didn’t hate him. If anything, I would have thought he hated me. 

Hated me for being disgusting enough that I had wrapped my legs around his waist. That I had acted like I wanted it, wanted to have sex with my own brother just to get it over with. That I had acted like a slut. The slut that I was in all the videos that just…sometimes it felt like maybe I really was, and I was just lying to myself when my friends tried to convince me it wasn’t true, that I wasn’t really that person.

I sighed heavily. I wasn’t even sure how to explain it but, I didn’t hate him. I could never hate him and there were so many other things going on with Da, with…with Wallace and Lionel. How he was going to react that I didn’t know what to do, that I was focused on other things.

“I don’t hate you, John. I could never hate you. It’s just…I didn’t talk to you before I went to school on Friday because I knew you were tired and it was weird, ok? Can we talk about it at home?” 

I hoped he’d agree to that because I couldn’t imagine the shit I would get if Wallace heard about it. Heard about the fact that I’d had sex with John. That Da had made me have sex with my brother. He’d never let me live it down if he knew it was the first time.

“Yeah,” he told me nodding his head as he looked at me.

I could tell he wasn’t happy that I didn’t want to talk about it but, I had to just…if I talked about it, thought about it I was going to lose it. I knew I was going to lose it and I couldn’t do that. Not unless I wanted to make things worse for myself, worse for everyone. I needed to stay numb. To stay the way I was, otherwise my world would fall apart.

“Good that’s settled. That means I win. You get skittles and you have to eat them all,” Pat said looking at John and pulling a bag of skittles out of his pocket handing them to John.

Now that made me laugh. It just reminded me of Teddy and him constantly giving me Polos. Giving me candy by that point I had learned was one of the ways he showed people that he cared about them, that they mattered.

“Wait, you’ve had these the whole time?” John asked him his eyes wide with one of his eyebrows raised shaking his head at Pat.

“Maybe,” Pat said smiling his eyes doing that thing they did usually when they weren’t in the middle of the school hallway, bedroom eyes, “What are you going to do about it?”

Huh, no. If the wrong person saw them at that moment they would be in a world of fucking trouble. The way Pat was looking at him, the way I knew John wanted to do the same or was afraid he would as he looked away from shaking his head even though he was smiling.

“Guys, I’m not the only 11-year-old at school,” I pointed out telling them to stop it, to stop flirting.

“Fair enough,” Pat said handing the skittles over to John’s open hand, “Come on. Let’s get back to class. I have to deal with fucking Gus.”

Ouch. That’s all my brain thought as I heard the pun come out of his mouth. Gus was his contract. So yeah, he had to deal with “fucking” Gus in a very literal way.

“Mhm,” John said nodding his head a smile still on his face obviously not hearing what I had heard, “me too.”

“Yes, I know. And I shall protect you with my life,” Pat pledged.

Or you know…his dick. I thought before I stifled my laughter at my own crass comment I was trying to keep to myself, “That’s not what you’re going to protect him with.” I said out loud.

“Hey!” Pat admonished me smiling, “Don’t be dirty.” He said as he pointed his finger at me.

“Did I just miss something?” John asked us frowning.

Huh, yeah. He said he had to deal with fucking Gus…with…I shook my head not sure it was worth explaining. As much as I loved John sometimes things did go over his head.

“It’s nothing. Get to class before you get in trouble for skipping. By the way, your face is looking a lot better than it was last time I saw it under any light.” I told him as the next bell rang meaning we had five minutes to get to where we needed to be.

“Thank you,” John said, “Your face doesn’t look too bad either, Will.”

Now he was just being funny, “Well, I wasn’t sporting a domino mask around my eyes that wouldn’t come off last time you saw me.”

“Very true,” John said nodding his head giving me a small smile, “So at home?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

With that, they both walked past the double doors that said upper school as I followed behind them Finn coming up to me as I turned left where they continued going straight. Finn and I entered the Library.

I felt like my heart had jumped in my throat. So now it was…I had to see him. After everything that had happened Wednesday I had to walk back into that same room and…the whole thing all over again it felt like.

“I’m right here,” Finn told me holding his hand out which I took and gave a squeeze, “You need to go to the bathroom or something, pull it together?”

“I’ll be ok,” I tried to assure both of us.

“Try and stay close, ok? I told Ted I’d try and look out for you,” Finn reminded me.

“I know,” I said nodding my head, “What if he wants to go to the stacks?”

“Maybe I’ll be able to get C-Dan to agree to it. To going back there. I mean he hasn’t acted like he wants to hurt me besides that one time. But, that doesn’t mean he’d pass up someplace out of the way if he thought he could get away with it,” Finn told me as we walked over to the tables where we usually sat for roll if we were doing it in the library which most Mondays we did by signing in.

“I was wondering where you guys were,” Todd said, “I didn’t see you at all this morning, Will. Is everything ok?”

“I’m fine,” I said repeating the same lie I had been telling people since what felt like forever, “What happened to you?” I asked noticing the cast on his arm.

“Apparently someone was angry,” Todd said shrugging his shoulders.

“Are you ok though?” I asked him.

“I’ve been better,” Todd admitted, “But, I’ll be ok.”

“Me too,” I admitted.

“A lot going on, huh?” Todd asked me as I nodded my head.

“We can talk at lunch if you want,” Todd told me, “Tell everyone we need some space and just like chill out in the courtyard while we eat. They’ll give us space. They’re just worried.”

“I know,” I said nodding my head as I sat down.

“Of course, we’re worried,” Finn chimed in, “We care. We care a lot, guys.”

“We know,” Todd said agreeing with him, “So could you maybe give us a little space at lunch?”

“Yeah, I’ll let Teddy and Quinn know,” Finn said, “Why is it easier for you two to talk to each other than it is for you to talk to…”

“I don’t know,” Todd said shaking his head as he shrugged his shoulders, “I have no idea.”

“Do you know, Will?” he asked me.

I hadn’t realized they’d noticed. That Finn had noticed. I did have an easier time opening up to Todd than I did anyone else about…just those things. The things they did that really bothered me. Sure, Finn and Teddy, I told them, and they knew. Teddy also knew a lot of stuff we never talked about but, if I had to actually say it, it was usually easier to confide in Todd first.

I don’t know if it was because my abusers were Wallace and Lionel or if it was something else but, it was always easier to tell Todd first. Something about him and the way he just acted made it easier. Made me feel confident in the fact that he wasn’t going to judge me, or think I was gross where with Finn and even a little with Teddy that was something I feared. Maybe because Cole was right, and I had feelings for both Teddy and Finn. Maybe it was just the way they both acted but, it was always easier to talk to Todd about things before I talked to anyone else.

“I don’t know,” I answered, “I’m so…”

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Finn said smiling, “I was just curious. There’s nothing wrong with talking to Todd if you feel it’s easier to talk to him but, know that I’m here when you need me, ok?”

“I know,” I said, “Thanks.”

All of us signed in our mentors joining us in the Library just as the final bell rang Wallace smiling as he spotted me. I hated the look on his stupid face. I knew what he was thinking. What he wanted.

“Hey, you want to head to the stacks?” Wallace asked as he came up to me.

No. No, I didn’t want to go to the stacks. Why would I go to the stacks with him? He’d just do what he always did where he made me sit there and hold his hand while he told me what he wanted to do to me. 

“We’ll go too,” Finn said.

“No, we won’t,” C-Dan said, “We’re your mentors it’s our job to teach you how to understand the authority of someone who doesn’t have that big of an age gap to you and I don’t want to go to the stacks. We’re staying here.”

“But…” 

“No buts,” C-Dan said, “I’m not going to sit in the back and watch him perv on someone. We’re going to the computers.”

Finn shook his head looking at C-Dan, “We’re going to the stacks.”

“No, we’re not,” C-Dan said standing his ground.

“You want to go to the stacks?” Todd asked Rich like he was bored with the idea.

“I don’t see it hurting anything,” Rich replied.

My whole body felt like a balloon inflating. Just having someone there even if they were brotherhood maybe he wouldn’t do it. Maybe he’d just be normal. Like a normal person. 

I didn’t feel like I was relaxed, very far from it but, I felt better knowing it wouldn’t just be the two of us back there alone. That Todd would be there and Rich even though I didn’t really know that much about Rich at all.

Rich always struck me as weird especially when he stared at me. If we were in close proximity he did that a lot. It made me very uncomfortable. However, I always felt like someone was staring at me because Wallace usually was, or he was touching me. Or doing something else that was drawing most of my attention to him and away from other people. He was my main problem in that class and so while I had noticed Rich’s staring I’d tried not to worry about it too much in hopes that it didn’t mean anything other than he was possibly a pervert just like the rest of them.

I sighed Wallace leading the way upstairs as Todd and I ended up the middle and Rich trailed behind us walking all the way to the stacks in silence Wallace speaking the moment he sat down.

“You’re an idiot. Well, we’re idiots,” He said pulling on my arm pulling me down.

I had no idea why I was an idiot even though I believed his statement to be true especially because he was touching me yet again making me sit down beside him.

“And you just figured this one out?” Rich asked him as he too plopped down in the aisle, “Only took you what 17 years, Wal? A little slower on the uptake than everyone thought, huh?”

“Shut up!” Wallace said shaking his head, “Apparently we went a little overboard last week. I’ve been told to make sure all clothing stays on so that we don’t ruin any more pants.”

Rich smiled widely, “What happened? You two get caught with your pants down?”

“One of us,” Wallace answered shrugging his shoulders, “But yeah no more at school if I think I can’t control myself I’m supposed to take a walk. I’m not even sure what that means.”

“Shouldn’t you let go of him then?” Todd asked him.

“Why? I can control myself. We were just being idiots last week. Got caught up in the moment, that’s all,” Wallace said.

“Well, he’s kind of pale and he’s panting, so I think you’re giving him anxiety,” Todd pointed out.

“He is right the kid looks like if he wasn’t sitting on the floor he would faint so maybe you should scoot over a little bit give him some more space?” Rich suggested.

“Huh, ok?” Wallace said sounding confused by the request even though he did scoot over dropping my hand and giving me some space.

“Do you need to use your inhaler?” Todd asked me.

I nodded my head pulling it out and using it. My chest did feel tight but I just…sometimes it was hard to use it when I needed to. Sometimes mentally it felt like it was easier to struggle with breathing than it was to feel what I was feeling.

If I couldn’t breathe the panic felt different. Like I’ve said before the asthma has a very different feeling than the tightness in my chest that anxiety causes and so it was easier to deal with. Todd seeming relieved when I used my inhaler.

So, Wallace thought that I had wanted it. Wanted to do that. To have him do that. That wasn’t anything that I would ever want. Let alone at school, let alone when he had done it.

The idea that he could think I was ok with doing that making me feel sick to my stomach. Making me wonder what was wrong with me that he would think I was ok with him basically fucking me at school. I hated it. I hated myself.

I remember feeling stupid sitting there listening to Wallace and Rich talk. Listening to them go on about school work when he…I remember getting up and walking away but not going into the bathroom. However, I probably did go there to be alone since it was the only place in the library where I could be alone but the next thing I knew he was there and I didn’t want him to be.

“Why did you just walk away?” he asked me, “You know we can’t do anything so why are you teasing me by coming in here, huh?”

“I didn’t want to,” I said shaking my head.

“Well, then why did you come in here?” He asked me, “Don’t be a tease.”

“I’m not,” I said shaking my head.

“You’re not what?”

“A tease. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to do it Wednesday and I don’t ever want to. I want you to leave me alone. Just…just stop.” I managed to say somehow my voice steady even though I was afraid of how he would react his eyes doing that thing they did.

“What the fuck did you just say to me? Like you think you have a choice in anything. That’s funny coming from someone like you. You know how many people have watched you fuck? A lot more than you’ll ever realize until they’re buried balls deep inside you and they say, “just like I imagined after seeing that video.”

Do you think you’re going to have a choice to push them away? To do anything but give them what they want? You’re a slut and you’re lucky someone like me even wants someone like you. So next time you think about telling me you don’t want it, you need to shut your mouth before I shove my cock down your throat.

You’re lucky I can’t do anything like that to you on school grounds anymore. If I ever catch you off them and you speak to me that way I’ll knock your fucking teeth out,” he hissed at me his voice filled with as much venom in it as I had ever heard Lionel speak with. The sound of it rattling me.

For some reason, I wanted to beg him to forgive me. Like I would have begged Lionel if I had ever done anything wrong. Like I would have begged Da. My brain sending me to this place that I couldn’t stand. That place where I felt beyond stupid him watching me, looking at me like he was…like he was him and I had said something wrong or moved the wrong way while Tony was trying to direct me my face feeling warm as he stared me down.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered quietly.

“You should be. If you weren’t such a fucking little tease maybe so many people wouldn’t be interested. So maybe you need to start thinking about your actions and the way you appear because trust me, baby. 

That face paired with the way you move doesn’t do you any favors. You wonder why you have the nickname your Daddy gave you? Maybe it’s because you act like that’s what you want even when the cameras aren’t pointed at you,” Wallace said to me his features softening like he was starting to calm down, becoming less angry.

“I don’t know how…how to not move like I do,” I admitted to him.

“Come here,” he said holding open his arms looking at me.

He wanted me to hug him? After…I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to deal with him angry either though. I sighed walking forward even though I felt like I was going to be sick when he wrapped his arms around me holding me firmly.

“You probably shouldn’t worry about it. Like you said it’s something you can’t help. I just need to be more careful. I let myself lose control and that wasn’t fair to you.

I care about you, baby. That’s the only reason why I’m telling you. I don’t want people to get the wrong idea from you. You’re special. 

Right now, you belong to the leader and in a couple of months, you’ll belong to me. I don’t want people thinking you’re down for whatever they want when you’re taken, ok?” he told me before kissing my cheek.

I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t sure I could speak if I tried. The way he was holding onto me making my heart race. His hands near the small of my back as I tried to keep breathing to make sure I didn’t tremble as my face burned.

“Good,” he said as I nodded my head before letting me go, breaking our hug, “Are you ok now?”

I nodded my head again him opening the bathroom door and holding it for me as I walked back out into the library Todd and Rich standing outside like they had decided to follow us, follow me.

“Are you ok?” Rich asked surprising me.

I nodded my head. I wasn’t sure what to say. Why did he even care? I wasn’t sure what was going on but, he didn’t really talk to me that often and now suddenly he was asking if I was ok, allowing Todd to sit with us, to make sure I had someone there. I felt comfortable with them because otherwise, it would just be Wallace and me. It was …it was weird.

“Are you sure, if you’re not ok you can tell me, you know?” Rich said.

“He seems pretty ok,” Todd said, “A little confused maybe but, otherwise I think he’s fine.”

“How would you know?” Rich asked him.

“Because I know him,” Todd said frowning at Rich, “You’re ok for the most part right, Will?”

I nodded my head again. They made me nervous, Wallace especially but Rich was not helping my anxiety that day. Eventually, we managed to settle back down my whole body going tense when Wallace tried grabbing my hand again Rich once again mentioning that he needed to knock it off and he wasn’t sure how Wallace was allowed to get away with that.

When the bell rang Finn didn’t wait for us Todd and I getting up and gathering our books before we headed through that door that connected to the middle school wing and towards the square where the cafeteria was. I was wondering what Todd wanted to talk about him being mostly quiet until we got into the lunch line. 

“So, what happened was Julian, he was pissed at me,” Todd said simply.

“For what? What does he think you did?” I asked him.

“Friday,” he said at first before he saw the look of confusion on my face, “I…I told him no because we were in the locker room.”

The last couple of words sounded like they got stuck like he had a hard time spitting them out.

“What?! You can’t be serious, he…it’s school,” I said shaking my head in disbelief.

Todd shook his head wiping at his face quickly as he grabbed a tray, “He said it didn’t matter. Sam agreed with him. It was stupid I should have…”

“No,” I said shaking my head, “No you shouldn’t have. You did everything right, ok? You told him no.”

“Why do I feel stupid then?” He asked me looking at the opposite wall, “Why did Sam break my arm for not …”

He trailed off looking more angry than sad. Pissed at himself for telling Julian no because they were at school. For not letting Julian molest him at school. Molest him where anyone could have seen. Where he had his friend standing there as a lookout to make sure no one saw anything.

“Because Sam’s an asshole?” I asked him, “I’m sorry you had a shitty weekend. I thought you told me Friday you weren’t supposed to see them at all?”

“I wasn’t,” Todd said, “Not until Julian told him about what happened. He said if I say no again he wants to amend.”

“Amend what?” I asked him as we passed through the lunch line and continued walking past our normal table Finn giving me a small smile and a head nod as we kept walking out into the courtyard.

The tables there were mostly empty because most people preferred to eat inside because it got really hot in the warmer months and in the winter months they often thought it was too cold. That day it was probably in the low 60’s so it wasn’t that bad especially with our blazers on, but it was nice to have a quiet courtyard to sit and talk in without worrying about who could overhear what was being said.

“My contract. Limiting my social interaction,” Todd said quietly.

“Wait, they can do that?” I asked him.

He nodded his head, “I wouldn’t be allowed to talk to Quinn anymore,” he said staring at his tray, “Not ever. If they saw us talking Sam would be allowed to punish me.”

He sniffled wiping at his face. I felt his pain. I couldn’t imagine not being able to talk to my friends. To just sit with them and talk about nothing when I needed to take my mind off stuff and I didn’t even have anyone special, not like Quinn was special to Todd.

“I didn’t know they could do that,” I said.

“They can do anything they want. I figured you would understand that,” Todd said.

He was right. If I thought about it, it made sense. I never wanted videos of me doing that to be made yet, there were so many of them at that point. He’d made me do bad things with babies and no one had stopped him. He’d let Tony point cameras in my face, at my body and no one had stopped him. They could all do anything they wanted, and no one would ever stop them.

I nodded my head not sure if there was anything I could say or do to make it better. To make him feel better about what he might have to do. How he might have to give up Quinn just to survive, just to keep going.

“That’s why you don’t want to talk to Quinn or Finn?” I asked him.

“How do …?” he trailed off, “How am I supposed to tell Quinn I have to let Julian do whatever he wants when Quinn’s not even allowed to let people know he hugs me? That he kisses me, and he tells me everything? How do I tell Quinn that when Julian wants to touch me it doesn’t matter where it is I have to let him, and Quinn’s not even supposed to look at me?”

“I don’t know,” I said honestly, “I guess you just hope he knows that he matters more and I’m sure he does.”

“Teddy likes you, you know?” he asked me.

“I know,” I said not wanting to think about it.

“No, he like-likes you,” Todd said, “He just can’t do…”

“Anything about it,” I said, “No one can. I’m his. I’m his slut. I’m his slut that he hands out to anyone he pleases besides the people I might actually want to be with.”

“Don’t say that,” Todd said shaking his head.

“It’s true,” I said feeling like I wanted to scream the words, “He let’s all of his foreign friends do it. He lets different handlers. My Da…he made me have sex with my own brother and then the next night he had sex with me and he made me spend the weekend in his bed.”

I barely managed before I started rocking back and forth hugging myself, “He says I’m his, but he hates me. He…”

“Shhh…,” Todd said standing up so fast he knocked his tray onto the ground as he came around the table and wrapped his arms around me from behind holding me, “It’s ok. I’ve got you, it’s ok. I’m sorry. I’m sorry your Dad did that to you. Was it your little brother?”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. If he knew all the things I’d already done with people, he would hate me.

How Lionel had made me do things with Luke and James and that little boy. I wasn’t even sure what his name was, but thought might be Auggie even though Lionel had called him little A. He’d think I was beyond disgusting and he’d never talk to me again and then he’d finally realize I wasn’t worth protecting or caring about. That I wasn’t worth loving.

“You’ve never done it with him before though?” he asked me.

I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, “I don’t want to…”

“Ok,” Todd said, “We don’t have to talk about it. Can I tell you something though? After I do we’ll stop talking about it, ok?”

I nodded my head closing my eyes afraid of what he was going to say. What he had to tell me about it that he needed me to hear. What he had to tell me that was so important it couldn’t wait until later.

“It eventually happens to everyone,” Todd said, “It doesn’t make you a bad person and it doesn’t make you sick or gross. It’s just what they do, ok?”

Wait…shit. I turned to look at him and he shrugged his shoulders. He’d had …his own Dad had made him do it with Rick. Rick who was the same age as James. That’s what he was saying to me without saying it, without admitting it the look in his eyes telling me I was right, that was exactly what he was saying.

“I’m sorry,” I told him.

“It’s not your fault. It’s just what they do,” he said hugging me only this time facing me, “You’re ok though. Is there anything else you need to talk about?”

“I don’t understand why he hates me,” I said, “I know I’m not supposed to talk about him but, Teddy doesn’t understand. He loves Teddy and I’m just…”

“I don’t know much about him,” Todd admitted, “You really think he hates you though?”

I nodded my head. If he didn’t hate me why did he let everyone who asked if they could rape me? If I was supposed to be his special boy, his “little one” why did he let just anyone touch me? Why did he let Wallace anywhere near me when he wouldn’t let Wallace even look at Teddy or Luke? If I was so special, why wouldn’t he protect me from Wallace too?

“I’d like to assume Sam hates me but, I don’t think he does,” Todd told me.

“How do you know?” I asked him quietly.

“He huh, just things,” Todd said.

“What things?” I asked him.

“He could hurt me if he wanted to. He could hurt me badly and he doesn’t. He knows how to the hurt people. I know he does but, he doesn’t. And he swears he doesn’t want to even though Julian obviously does and it…” Todd paused inhaling deeply, “He’s into some stuff that I don’t care to go into.”

“Bad stuff like making videos?” I asked him.

“Kind of,” Todd told me, “Videos for himself. At least I think so it’s kind of hard to tell sometimes. He could have hidden cameras or something that I don’t know about.”

“Vic said one way you can tell is if they always have their faces covered. If they wear a mask or something usually that means that they are…”  
“Yes, then,” Todd said, “He wears a mask like a leather one. It’s always him though, him and Julian he doesn’t…he doesn’t make me do it with other people even though he had me talk to one of them on the phone once. I didn’t really know what to say. It was weird.”

“They don’t really talk to me,” I said, “They call me…they call me a good boy and then they…or a slut. “

“You’re not a slut, Will,” Todd told me, “Anyone that thinks that is beyond stupid.”

“Does he call you names?” I asked for some reason slamming my hand over my mouth after it slipped out, “Todd, I’m so…”

“It’s ok,” Todd said, “You didn’t mean anything bad by it. It’s ok to wonder. He calls me Dolly or his Doll. Says I’m whatever he wants me to be.”

“He calls me his little one. I don’t know why because I’m not that little and then my Da calls me something else. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I asked. It was mean I shouldn’t have.”

“No, it’s ok,” Todd told me, “Just don’t tell anyone?”

“Of course not! Never!” I swore.

“Thank you,” Todd said, “He broke my wrists with a paddle because I told Julian no. So today if he …just ignore it.”

“He’s on our team. I’m supposed to ignore if he says those things to you? In front of everyone?” I asked Todd.

I wasn’t ok with that. I wasn’t sure I could do that. Listen to him say those things to my friend and not say anything about it. That and he might have thought I’d be able to control myself but that didn’t mean Freddy would. 

Freddy wouldn’t be ok with that and he wasn’t even a part of our group. He was just another bottom and knew Julian was a tracker who was stuck with a 2 who wasn’t going to say anything to anyone about…just about anything because he didn’t want his ass striped. That I was shy and nervous and that Todd for whatever reason lost his nerve when Julian was around. Freddy saw three bottoms like he was a bottom being bullied and pushed around so he stepped up and tried to stand up for us because we couldn’t.

“I don’t know,” Todd said, “I need to be able to talk to you at the very least though, ok?”

“Ok,” I nodded my head.

I knew I needed Todd. That I told him things I didn’t tell other people for some reason but, I hated admitting that. Admitting that I might need someone. That I needed Todd and Finn and Teddy and Quinn. I hated admitting that I couldn’t do it on my own. That I was barely managing to handle everything as it was. That they had noticed.

“That means you can’t say anything to him. To Julian, ok?” He told me.

“I’ll try,” I promised.

“Thank you,” he said, “I just wish I knew how to tell Quinn he can’t…he can’t do anything to stop him.”

“I can talk to him if you want,” I offered.

“I’m not asking you to,” Todd said quietly as he stood up cleaning up his tray where it had fallen on the ground.

“I know you’re not,” I told him, “I can tell him to keep it quiet though. Not to say anything to Julian. Tell him why.”

“He’ll just be mad,” Todd said shaking his head, “Mad that I couldn’t tell him.”

“I don’t think so,” I said, “Quinn really cares about you. A lot. I don’t see him getting upset over the fact that you don’t have the heart to tell him he can’t defend you from Julian in gym class. I’ll do it, ok?”

“Thanks,” Todd said nodding his head as he grabbed his tray and went to go throw it away and I did the same with mine.

We didn’t really get a chance to talk to Quinn before class started. I wish we had though. Julian looking at us the whole hour. Not just Todd but me too. Winking at me, licking his lips and purposefully bumping into me. At one point he “tripped” and caught himself by grabbing Todd’s ass laughing about it as Todd’s face burned with shame and Freddy threatened him, told him he needed to knock it off and leave us alone.

“Are you ok?” I asked Todd as Freddy continued to yell at Julian.

“I’ll be fine. Thanks for checking,” Todd said looking at the floor, “Are you ok? Do you know why he’s…”?

“No,” I shook my head, “I don’t know why he’s bullying me today. I have no idea.”

“Are you going to be ok though?” Todd asked me quietly as the bell rang.  
I felt relieved to hear the bell. Better somehow until we started pulling off our clothes. Julian and Dan were hanging close by. Like they wouldn’t…they wouldn’t leave. Quinn and Kev yelling at them to buzz off. To go away and leave us alone.

I felt like I didn’t want to shower. Not with…Not with Julian being like that. I didn’t feel safe. Not with the way he’d been staring at me since class had begun. Staring at Todd.

I sat down pulling off my gym shoes finally Todd going for his shirt as we watched Danny walk towards the shower room doors. We were in the professional locker room. The one the athletes used when they played games because we were brotherhood bottoms. 

Because we had scars and bruises and scratches and bite marks that other people didn’t need to see. Civilians didn’t need to see without having a logical reason to explain them away and there wasn’t one.  
Not with as many marks as we had in places that you couldn’t see when someone was dressed but when your clothes came off were visible.

There wasn’t any way to explain a scar that looked like a bite mark in the small of your back. To explain away bruises shaped like very big hands wrapped around your lower thighs where someone squeezed you too hard when they pulled your legs apart so they could shove themselves inside of you. Those were things there was no possible way to just explain away to anyone.

So they hid them by isolating us and letting us use the other locker room and showers. The nicer locker room and showers. That caused other problems though. Problems where the trackers ogled people they wouldn’t if we had been in normal locker rooms.

“Hey, I need to talk to Ashmore for a second,” We heard Father Everstein call into the locker room before we heard Quinn sigh and a locker slamming heavily like he was annoyed as Quinn stepped out of the locker area holding a towel tightly around his waist before he went off into the other locker room where the office was following Father Everstein.

I wasn’t sure where Freddy and Kev were at that point. I think they might have already headed into the locker room following Danny but, I’m not sure. All I know is I started pulling my shirt up over my head and suddenly someone was grabbing me from behind using my shirt that was halfway over my head to trap my face, so I couldn’t see.

I heard people scuffling around me as I tried to pull my shirt back down and fight to get out of their grip. My heart hammering in my chest before I managed to halfway free myself as someone pushed me and someone else pulled me towards the toilet stalls. I don’t know if it was because I was scared or shocked, but I remember headbutting someone in the face causing them to let me go before the person behind me grabbed me hard by both my elbows.

“What? Do you want to fuck me too?! Why does everyone want to fuck me?! Why?! I DON’T WANT TO FUCK YOU LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE ME ALONE! I’M SO FUCKING SICK OF …” I trailed off the guy behind me tripping me, the guy holding me hard by the elbows sending me crashing to the ground.

“Shut your fucking mouth slut before I choke you,” Julian hissed somewhere above me.

I heard a laugh and someone pulled their jock strap off somewhere near my face. I felt someone else grabbed the hair on the back of my head pulling it taut, pulling my head back like they were about to…

“I thought we were just going to scare the little slut,” I heard someone say uncertainly.

“What better way to scare him to make him choke on a dick until he’s half dead?” Julian said his voice sounding beyond cold, beyond evil the door from the locker room opening.

“What is going on here?! MR. RODGERS, MR. CHASE, MR. MCOWEN, MR. SEXTON, NOW! MY OFFICE!” Father Everstein shouted as Quinn rushed over Todd falling somewhere beside me as I turned immediately hugging Todd as he reached out for me. My whole body shaking as badly as he was.

I couldn’t…what the fuck had just happened? What was…? What the actual fuck were they going to…? I didn’t know what to think, what was happening.

“You’re ok you guys, I’m right here,” Quinn said quietly, “I’m so fucking sorry. I’m right here though. Does anyone know what the fuck actually happened?”

“Someone pushed me down and then suddenly all I could hear was fucking screaming, I came around the corner and Tyler had Will on his fucking knees while Julian was pulling his jock off in Will’s face,” Kev answered, “Like I…”

“What was he doing to Todd?” Quinn asked.

“They had him pinned against the wall. One of them said something but I didn’t hear what it was. Will was screaming tell them to leave him alone. That he didn’t want to fuck anyone,” Kev answered.

“Are you o…” Quinn said reaching out his hand Todd flinching, “T I’m not going to hurt you. You have to know that.”

“Will, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Todd muttered into my ear as he squeaked.  
“You didn’t do anything,” I tried to assure him, “You didn’t do anything.”

“No, I’m sorry, you have to bel…”

“I know. You didn’t do anything,” I insisted, “It wasn’t you, it wasn’t.”

“I should have…” Todd muttered.

“No,” Quinn and I said very calmly in unison.

“Todd you didn’t do anything wrong,” I tried to assure him, “What were you going to do? They had you trapped too. You didn’t do anything wrong and I’m not mad at you.”

“You promise?” he asked me, “Julian, he u…”

“Yeah, he used to be,” Quinn said, “he’s not anymore. That Julian is gone and this one his behavior has nothing to do with you. You aren’t responsible for anyone’s actions but your own. Are you ok?”

“I…,” Todd managed shaking his head.

“You’re both still shaking,” Quinn said, “I’m so sorry guys. That won’t happen again. Ok? It won’t happ…”

I wish he could have really promised that. But I knew he couldn’t. Like he said no one was responsible for Julian’s behavior. I didn’t want to be near Julian anymore. I didn’t want him in any of my classes, I didn’t…he tried to make me…

What would Lionel think if he found out? He’d think I was cheating on him. He’d hate me. He’d hurt someone.

I wanted to move and be alone but at the same time, I didn’t want to let go of Todd. I wanted Finn. I needed Finn and Ted and they weren’t there. And I felt stupid and I was half dressed, and I couldn’t…

“Ok, guys I think we need to shower and then get ready before the bell rings,” Quinn tried who was standing there still in his towel.

“Yeah…huh,” Todd said patting my shoulder before he whispered in my ear, “Are you ok? Can you let go?”

“I…” I tried to talk.

“That’s a no go right now Q, he’s kind of …”

“Oh Will, you nee…” he reached out a hand to touch me and I flinched Todd hissing softly as I squeezed him.

“Sorry, I…I…”

“It’s ok,” Todd tried to assure me, “I’m not hurt I’m ok. I can’t take a shower at school anyway I’m supposed to take a sponge bath because of my cast. So how about Q, you go shower and we’ll stay here.”

“HOLY SHIT!” Freddy said looking around as he came down the aisles completely dressed again that answering the question of where Freddy was, “What happened?”

“A lot,” Quinn muttered, “I have to…”

“Go,” Todd said, “We’re ok.”

“Are you sure?” Quinn asked.

“Yeah, I’ve got him. Go,” Todd said.

“I can talk to father Everstein in a minute he might let me go grab someone. I know he talks to Teddy a lot. That Teddy and he are super close if you want I could…”

“Do you need them?” Todd asked me which caused me to nod my head, “Ok, can you please?”

“Yeah. I’ll be back ok?” Fred said giving us a small smile before he opened the door hurrying away.

“I’m glad you feel safe enough with me to cling to me like this,” Todd told me quietly.

“It’s not you I ju…”

“No, it’s ok. You don’t need to explain and I’m sorry,” Todd said, “If I…if I would just do what I’m told maybe this wouldn’t have happened. I should have said something. He told me that because I was hanging out with you and Teddy I thought I was entitled. I didn’t think that meant he would hurt you to get back at me not doing what I was told. I’m sorry.”

“I feel like I can’t breathe,” I told him.

I knew it wasn’t his fault. None of it was but, I felt stupid. He’d been looking at me and I hadn’t…I hadn’t done anything to avoid him and I felt stupid. I felt so fucking stupid and he would have done it too and then it would have been my fault and then Lionel…So many bad things were going to happen Friday, so many bad things…. everything hitting me one after another.

“Ok, can you try to take deep breaths? You’re starting to do this weird wheezing thing and it’s scaring me a little bit and you’re not letting go so I can get up,” Todd said.

I knew I was close to having an asthma attack but, I couldn’t let him go. If I let him go everything got worse. Everything just…

“Ok, Ok, I’m right here,” I heard Finn’s voice, “I’m right here. Do you need me to go…? There we go. Todd, can you go grab his inhaler he’s looking a little purple.”

Finn ran his hands through my hair as he sat with me on the tiled floor rocking us softy as he pushed my head against his shoulder gently trying to get me to calm down, to stop my shaking, stop rocking.  
When I had heard his voice, I had turned latching to him tightly. Turned into his smell. That safe smell that was somewhere between bleach and degree deodorant along with a little bit of axe body spray. Teddy tended to smell different but their smells even at that point made me feel better, made me instantly feel a little safer and like I would be ok.  
Teddy usually smelled like Irish spring soap and dirt and a little bit of something else where Finn smelled completely different but already just being near them calmed me down at that point. 

“You’re safe,” Finn told me, “You’re safe. Freddy told me a little bit about what happened, Julian and his freaks scared you good, huh?”

“He…he didn’t…he…he’s going to be mad,” I managed before I squeaked the tears finally falling that I’d been holding back somehow, holding onto as I finally voiced my fear. That Lionel would be mad at me. Mad that I had almost…

“If he is it’s because he’s a stupid fucking asshole,” Finn growled, “You didn’t do anything wrong. Is that why you asked for Teddy? Because this has to do with him? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want but…”

“Where is he?” I asked.

“He’s coming. He had to grab some stuff out of his locker. I don’t know what. I think it might have been his cell phone. I don’t know why but he didn’t really give me time to ask either. He told me to come and that he’d be here in a few minutes. You seem to be breathing better,” Finn muttered.

“I didn’t…he was…”

“Shhh…,” Finn said, “You’re safe. You’re safe. God, you always scare me when you do this. I’m right here though and you’re safe.”

Just then the door opened Finn looking his whole body going tense as he held me closer, tighter, “Get the fuck away,” he hissed.

“We’re supposed to say that…”

“I DON’T GIVE A SHIT! GET THE FUCK AWAY!” Finn screamed a couple pairs of feet suddenly surrounding us.

“You guys need to leave. That wasn’t ok,” I heard someone say.

“It was a fucking joke,” Julian said.

“That wasn’t a fucking joke! And you know it!” They said, “You need to stay away from him. You need to stay away from both of them.”

“Dude, it wasn’t real it w…”

“IT WASN’T!” The person insisted

“Alex is right,” I heard Freddy’s voice, “I have an older brother who is a tracker and that wasn’t a fucking joke. You stay away from them. You don’t ever go near them again. Does he look like he thought it was a fucking joke? Shoving your dick in someone’s face isn’t a fucking joke.”

Freddy sounded like he was on verge of crying like he was pissed. I hadn’t even realized he’d come back. I didn’t look. I didn’t want to see them.

To see how stupid they thought I was that I could barely function, that my whole body was shaking so badly I could barely function. All I could think about was Arthur. How I could swear the next words out of Julian’s mouth were going to tell me to just do it so that he would go easier on Todd. Easier on Todd while he raped him, and I couldn’t do anything about it. While he was going to have his friends hold me down and …

“Hey,” I heard Finn’s voice, “I’m right here. It’s ok. You’re safe. I’m not letting you go. You’re safe.”

The bell rang a bunch of people leaving. I heard them walking away but I couldn’t get myself to look. I didn’t want to see them. I remember trying to…trying to think and my brain just feeling like it was racing. I had known Tom, Tyler, and Shane since last year. I knew they were Brotherhood, but I hadn’t…not until one of them was behind me holding me hard like that. I hadn’t been aware they were trackers. Not at all.

I felt like my brain was slowing down the more people walked away the quieter the locker room got. Todd and Quinn both stopping for a minute to check and see what was going on Finn assuring them that I would be fine, that he would make sure I got home and that things were going to be ok.

“You’re going to miss the bus,” I told him quietly.

“I’m fine,” Finn said, “If I was worried about it, I’d let you know. Wallace has after school shit. If he goes home without me Vati will kick his face in.”

“He was going to fuck me,” I said.

“I wasn’t here but, I believe you,” Finn said, “And Teddy and I are going to do everything to make sure that doesn’t happen. That he doesn’t touch you again, ok?”

“He’s going to think I…”

“Honestly, I think that’s where Teddy is,” Finn told me.

“WHAT?! HE…”

“Shhh… Shhh…you’re ok. You’re ok. Teddy wouldn’t talk to him if he thought you were going to end up in trouble. You know Teddy wouldn’t do that to you,” Finn tried to assure me, “You know Teddy cares about you and he wouldn’t do anything that he thought would get you in trouble.”

The locker room door opened Teddy seeing us before he sighed heavily,   
“Why is he half naked?”

“He...” Finn managed shaking his head.

“They used my shirt,” I managed to mutter.

“What?” Teddy asked, “They took off your clothes?”

“He hasn’t really…” Finn said before I broke him off as he ran his hand through my hair still holding me.

“I was taking my own shirt off. To…to go to the showers. They…someone grabbed me, my chest and someone else grabbed my shirt and pulled it tight over my face. They pulled me up and…I don’t know I couldn’t see,” I managed.

“Ok,” Teddy said, “That’s ok. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. I’m pretty sure Julian is going to get his ass handed to him and if Sam doesn’t do it he’ll find someone else who will. All I knew was what Freddy told me so that’s what I told him. That they grabbed you and you fought and you told them no. That it wasn’t a choice you were making, and they were trying to force you. That you were being good, loyal. Ok?”

I nodded my head, I still felt stupid about it. Even if he wasn’t going to be mad at me I still felt stupid. Stupid that I had…

“You’re going to be ok, that’s good, right?” Finn asked, “He’s not going to be mad?”

“Not about that,” Teddy said, “I don’t know there’s a lot going on. He and mom keep talking about it.”

“Wait are you telling me he’s blaming him for something? For…?”

“I don’t know,” Teddy answered shaking his head, “I don’t know, ok? He’s seeing him this weekend. That’s all I know.”

“Is that true?” Finn asked.

I nodded my head. It was his Friday. I didn’t know what he had planned but I knew I had to see him. That he’d make me do whatever he wanted to, and no one would stop him. That there was nothing I could do to make him not…that I didn’t want to talk about it or think about it.

“How do you guys ever deal with this?” Finn asked holding me tighter.  
“We just do,” Teddy said shrugging his shoulders, “We’ll figure it out, you know that right, Will?”

“I’m tired,” I mumbled.

“I know,” Finn told me, “You’re allowed to be tired. I’m right here and it’s going to be ok.”

“No, it’s not,” I told him shaking my head, “It won’t be ok. He’s going to be mad at me.”

“Not for this,” Teddy tried to assure me, “Not for them. I told him right away. I didn’t get headmaster Watson involved. I didn’t …I was careful not to draw attention so if he gets a phone call it’s not going to be because of you. You didn’t interrupt his day Julian did, ok?”

“He really gets that mad about the littlest things?” Finn asked.

“He can,” Teddy admitted, “He’s different Finn, I really don’t…”

“You can talk to me,” Finn said, “I won’t tell anyone. I swear to you guys I won’t tell anyone.”

“I don’t know,” Teddy said sitting down on the floor where Finn was still holding me, “He’s bad if he finds out I tell anyone anything about him, he’s going to be mad. Ok? That’s why we don’t talk about him. Because he’ll be really mad and not just at me. He’ll take it out on someone else.”

“What do you mean someone else? You mean Will?” Finn asked frowning at me as he pulled me closer, held me tighter.

“Someone,” Teddy said looking at his lap, “He hurts people. I once watched him spank a boy bloody because I …I said something stupid at school. I was six years old. He was a throwaway but he…he was limp when Papa stopped, he didn’t just spank him with his hand, he used belts and paddles and…”

“Oh my god,” Finn said Teddy’s whole body starting to shake as he thought it, about that memory.

“He didn’t even stop when he stopped moving after that he raped him. He was completely limp and pale, and he raped him. I never saw him again. He did that because I said something. Because I was stupid enough to say something.

After that, I was homeschooled for a year and then I ended up here. That is just the first time I remember him doing something really bad to someone else because he was mad at me. He’ll grab a random kid who has barely had contact with him let alone me and he’ll shatter their arm. He’ll take a baseball bat to their arm until the bones are crushed and they have passed out several times because of the pain and he’ll tell me it’s my fault like I don’t already know that."

“You know how he used to…”

“Teddy,” I said shaking my head as I slipped out of Finn’s arms, “Teddy it’s ok.”

He shook his head.

“Come here,” Finn said, “Please? I’m right here and none of that is your fault. I didn’t know he did stuff like that.”

“He does,” I said quietly, “Can we just…”

“Yeah,” Teddy said throwing his head into my lap, “Yeah. I want to stop.”  
“Ok,” Finn said letting Teddy grab his hand and squeeze tightly, “We won’t talk about it anymore, ok? I’m sorry. That’s why he scares you guys so bad though because he…?”

I nodded my head. That was the worst thing he did. Auggie screaming as he bent his finger backward without warning. As he threatened to do worse. Him digging his nails into James’ hips as he started screaming because he was getting ready to push into him, to rape him because I wouldn’t give James a hand job. 

Because I wanted to refuse to abuse my little brother for him he wanted to do whatever he could to make sure he hurt even worse. To teach me a lesson. He made it our faults. It was always my fault.

“So, what are we doing?” Finn asked as I ran my hand through Teddy’s hair and he closed his eyes laying his head in my lap Finn’s arm still lightly around my shoulders.

“Giving him a minute,” I answered, “Then I guess I’m getting dressed and I’m going to start walking home.”

“What?” Finn asked me.

“The buses are long gone. I could always wait for the elementary bus and it wouldn’t hurt anything but, I kind of just want to get out of here,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“We’re not making you walk home,” Finn told me.

“I can walk home, I’ll be fine,” I told them.

“No,” Teddy said, “You’re taking the limo with me. I always take the limo.”  
“I…” I felt my face flushing to hearing myself admit it, “I don’t like the limo.”

“He can…never fucking mind stupid fucking Wallace…” Finn said seeming very upset about it.

“I didn’t realize the limo made you that nervous,” Teddy told me, “I can have them drive me in another car from now on if you want. That way you can come with me. Would you like that?”

“He’d let them do that?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah, he’s let me do it before,” Teddy said, “It wouldn’t be a big deal. I’ll tell him I want to switch to the BMW. I won’t make a big thing about it and if he asks I’ll tell him a new civilian kid is teasing me but refuse to name names, problem taken care of. Can you deal with the Limo just this one time though? I don’t want you walking home and he’d be mad at me if he knew I let you do something like that.”

I really didn’t want to ride in the limo. I knew I couldn’t ride with Finn though, Wallace. Wallace would do something. It wasn’t at school and if Finn told him to chill he’d just ignore him. He’d…and I couldn’t do it. Not with what Julian had just done. The realization that I was still half naked making me feel vulnerable as we heard footsteps and laughing a bunch of older students walking through the door.

“Ok, huh where is coach?” One of them asked one I didn’t know.

“Hey, I know you,” One guy I thought I recognized said smiling at us, “What are you guys doing here? This is our locker room.”

“We use it for class,” Teddy said, “If you know him you know me.” 

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head, “Guys, go and start changing. I’ll take care of this.”

He moved aside most of the older boys passing by us while they frowned at us moving to the back area of the locker room near the shower room where they kept the sports equipment for football. It was after all football season, so it made sense.

They were the football team. They were going to practice. Late admittedly but, that’s what they were doing, changing for practice. I remember Finn and Teddy and I all being fairly quiet watching the one guy watch us. Making me again aware of how naked I really was as Finn pulled me closer into his side like he was somehow going to keep the guy from seeing me. Somehow protect me from his eyes and the way he was looking at us.

“Does your brother know you’re still here?” he asked looking at Finn.

“My brother is on the fucking chess team. You think he cares where I am?” Finn answered a bit of annoyance in his voice.

“I know he cares where he is,” the guy said, “A lot of people care where you are, don’t they?”

“Shut the fuck up, Steve,” Finn hissed saying the guy’s name.

“What? It’s true. Everyone wants to stick their dick in him. Looks even better in person,” he said smiling at us, at me.

“You fucking touch him and I will…”

“Relax your highness. I’m not fucking stupid. Get him out of here. All three of you need to get out of here.”

That’s why I thought I knew him. He was Tyler’s brother. His older brother. They looked slightly different but still similar enough you could tell they were related. Steve a wider, more built version of Tyler in a lot of ways their features colored in similar ways. Tyler, the one who had been holding me hard around my elbows while Julian had…my face turning red as he looked at me. As he smiled at me.

“Are you going to move?” Teddy asked, “His clothes are that way.”

“Mhm,” Steve said licking his lips, “Maybe I should stand guard make sure everyone leaves you boys alone?”

“I think we can manage just fine,” Finn said standing up, “Come on, Will. It’s ok.”

No, he was looking at me like that. The last time I ignored that look I’d had a dick shoved in my face. I wasn’t…no. Someone else coming into the locker room.

“What the actual…? Steve, leave them alone. Come on kids, Will, where are your street clothes?” Rich asked looking at us, at me.

“Down there,” Teddy said pointing down the main aisle.

“Come on,” Rich said shaking his head at Steve as he glared at him almost like they were communicating with their eyes Steve shrugging his shoulders, “Come on guys, I’m not going to hurt you. I want you to get dressed and get out of here. You shouldn’t be here.”

Finn stood up looking at Rich like he was trying to figure out if he was lying or not before he moved still holding me tightly to his side both of us stepping forward in sync and walking us over to where my clothes were.

Teddy handed me my undershirt watching Rich like he was trying to figure out what was going on. What was happening and why he was watching us.

“Guys, I’m…do you want me to turn around? Would that help?” Rich asked looking at the three of us like we were retarded.

“Yes,” Finn said nodding his head.

“Ok,” he said holding his arms up at his sides and turning around, “I’m not looking. God, you guys are weird.”

I quickly changed Finn and Teddy helping me by handing me my clothing a little bit at a time making sure they were standing in front of me, so no one could see me, even Rich if he had turned around. Rich at this point was really weirding me out. Like I didn’t know what to think of him. If he liked me or he didn’t like me. If he wanted to fuck me or didn’t. 

Apparently, there were a lot of people who did. My brain not really understanding why at that point still. Why they wouldn’t and couldn’t just leave me alone. Why they didn’t realize it was bad enough I was his, that things were hard enough without them looking at me like that. Acting like that. I mean why was I so fucking special? Why did they want to see me naked even if they couldn’t touch me? I didn’t understand.

Was I just such a slut that I put off some special pheromone that made them go wild when they saw me? Made them automatically want to do those things to me? I was tired of feeling like that’s the only thing anyone wanted from me. That they didn’t even know me enough to care about me and yet they…Teddy tapping my shoulder making me jump.

“It’s ok. I’m sorry. I just wanted to ask you if you think you need your tie or if we can put in your book bag?” Teddy asked looking at me, “Oh…I’m really…”

I hugged him. I didn’t want to do this anymore. I didn’t want to…

“It’s ok,” Teddy whispered in my ear as I squeezed him, “It’s ok.”

“God, he’s a whiny cunt just like his brother, huh?” Rich muttered.

“What the fuck, man?” Finn barked, “Leave him alone.”

“Language,” Rich said.

“Excuse me? You just called him a whiny cunt you fuck face,” Finn said shaking his head in disbelief.

“I believe I called his brother a whiny cunt but, point taken,” Rich said, “Come on, let’s get out of here. I’d like to change before I’m late for practice. I don’t have time to babysit.”

Finn sighed looking at me and shaking his head at Rich before he grabbed my hand Teddy letting go his right hand slipping into my left as Rich escorted us to the door of the locker room and held it open allowing us to walk out.

“What the fuck is up with that guy? Like seriously?” Finn asked.

“I don’t know,” I said quietly shaking my head.

I didn’t understand it at all. Why he was…none of it made sense. Why suddenly he was telling people to leave me alone. Why it was…it was almost like he was protecting me. No one did stuff like that for me besides my friends and I didn’t have many of those. There had to be something going on. Something bad.

“I’m more worried about Steve,” Teddy said, “You know who he is, right?”

“Tyler’s older brother? He looks just like him. I knew who it was right away. I didn’t like the way he…” Finn said shaking his head.

“Yeah,” Teddy agreed, “Are you ok, Will?”

“I didn’t know who he was until you said his name. I didn’t even know that Tyler was…was a tracker,” I said shaking my head.

“There had been rumors but I’m going to be honest. I thought it was just that until …” Finn trailed off, “He’s going to stay away from you, ok? I don’t know how but I’m going to make sure he stays away from you. I wish I knew what was going on, how to stop this.”

“What do you mean?” Teddy asked.

“Them, they…” Finn said making a frustrated sound in the back of his throat, “Just…you know what I’m talking about.”

“Yeah and there’s nothing we can do,” Teddy said.

“What?” I asked confused.

They weren’t making any sense to me. I knew what they were talking about but, for some reason, it wasn’t making sense. They were talking about the fact that all the trackers seemed to be bothering me not just Wallace anymore or just a couple and the ones that were bullying me weren’t bullying me like they would normally bully someone. The only one that bullied me like someone who hated me was Danny. The rest were…that went beyond bullying. That was attempted assault.

“It’s ok,” Finn said, “We’ll figure something out ok? Maybe I need to talk to Kev and Carter? I mean I know Carter doesn’t have any classes with us but just for extra eyes because this getting bad.”

“What is?” I asked.

“Will, stone, it’s…”

“NO! Tell me what you’re talking about. You’re not helping right now,” I said shaking my head.

“Tyler’s been really nasty,” Teddy answered, “He’s been saying things, asking me things in Carver’s class. Just being a nasty piece of shit.”

“I don’t understand, asking you what?” I asked quietly.

“Asking what it’s like to fuck you,” Finn said not sugar coating it.

“He…? Why?” I asked feeling like I couldn’t breathe.

“Because he wants to upset me. They’re not supposed to but, sometimes Handlers let trackers into their accounts. They watch the videos and stuff,” Teddy said, “For whatever reason, I don’t know. You would think you wouldn’t want your son in your porn stash but, whatever.”

“How many of them have seen?” I asked feeling completely violated.

They’d seen me and Teddy…they’d seen us…and…that meant they’d seen everything else too. All of it. Was that why they were looking at me like that? Because of…because of the videos? Because I was…

“Ok, ok,” Finn said, “Will, stone, you’re freezing up. Teddy, what does his face look like?”

Finn was standing behind me probably directly behind me he had been touching my shoulders before I had pulled away when I had gotten upset. Finn actually touched me a decent amount but that’s because he made me feel safe. Even if it wasn’t sexual he made me feel safe especially when I felt out of sorts. Needless to say, Julian shoving his dick in my face had left me feeling more than a little out of sorts.

“He’s…doing his freeze thing,” Teddy said.

“Ok,” Finn said.

This was probably the first time I had somehow managed to remain aware while I was frozen. I wanted to move, to tell them that I was paying attention, but I couldn’t. For whatever reason, I couldn’t.

“Why were you asking?” Teddy asked.

“I don’t want to touch him when he’s like this especially not if he’s frozen. He’ll hurt himself,” Finn said.

“You mean the…”

“Yeah,” I heard Finn say.

“He’ll be ok, just give him a minute or two,” Teddy said.

“I know I just…”

“Finn, I know it’s ok though. He’ll be ok,” Teddy said starting to sound really upset like he was about to start crying.

“I shouldn’t have said anything,” Finn said sounding like he was getting ready to cry too, “It was too…”

“Will?” Teddy said, “Will come on, come on its ok, you’re ok.” 

My whole body felt like it was loosening suddenly as I almost fell forward Teddy catching me, “Ok, there you are. You’re ok. We’re right here.”

“I’m sorry,” Finn told me, “I didn’t mean to do that to you, I’m sorry.”

“They’ve seen it? Us, and…” I said closing my eyes.

“I don’t know,” Teddy answered, “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t…so they all know that I’m…I’m a…I’m a slut. I’m a slut, I’m a slut, I’m a…”

“Shhh…no, no you’re not,” Finn said hugging me, “No, you’re not. You’re not a slut. You’re not. I don’t understand why you say that you’re so far from…”

“He makes him say it,” Teddy said.

“What?” Finn asked.  
“My…the leader when he films us, he makes him say it,” Teddy said, “I tell him he’s not all the time and he’ll never believe me because he makes him say it.”

I didn’t want to hear any more. Didn’t want to hear him tell Finn that. That he made me say it. Made me tell Tony and the cameras that I was…that I was a slut. They made me say horrible things. That I wanted it and I liked it. That I wanted them to cum inside me and that I…and I didn’t want anyone to know.

“I’m right here,” Finn cooed in my ear, “It’s ok. I’m right here, you’re so strong, you’re my rock. I’m not ever going anywhere ok? I’m right here.”

“I’m here too,” Teddy said rubbing my back.

I hadn’t realized how hard I was crying until I went to inhale and found that I wheezed Teddy’s hand going into my left blazer pocket pulling out my inhaler.

“There we go, just breathe. God, I’m sorry. I just thought maybe you didn’t need to deal with it alone. That maybe it would help him understand. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Teddy told me resting his head on my back as Finn held me someone clearing their throat somewhere above us.

“Boys?” Headmaster Watson said, “Can you tell me why we’re cuddling in the middle of the hallway and why I got a call that a certain young man has his ride waiting outside and hasn’t answered his cell phone, so I was forced to leave my office and come looking for him?” 

“He had a bad day,” Teddy told him, “We’re ok.”

“Are you sure? None of you look ok,” Headmaster Watson said, “Do I have to call someone?”

“No, we’re fine,” Teddy said standing up and holding out his hand to me.  
I didn’t feel fine. I felt stupid and slightly weird. Weird but not in a bad way. Weird as in someone had said it. Said what the cameras couldn’t see, and my world hadn’t ended. No one hated me more or less than they did before and somehow it was…just different.

“I’m ok,” I said taking the hand Teddy was holding out to me.

“You sure?” Headmaster Watson asked me.

“He said he’s fine,” Teddy said.

“All right,” Headmaster Watson said nodding his head, “Your ride is waiting. Get out of my building boys.”

“Yes, sir,” Finn said using Teddy’s hand to pull himself up.

Finn bent down and grabbed my bag and we walked out. It felt weird seeing headmaster Watson just accept an answer from someone instead of forcing them somewhere, his office, a room whatever. It seemed strange.

“How did you do that?” Finn asked Teddy who snorted.

“Some people are actually afraid of him,” Teddy said, “You heard what Steve said to me.”

“You mean, and I quote, “I’m not stupid your highness?”

“It pays to be the grandson of a tyrant,” Teddy said shrugging his shoulders.

“You’re a dork,” Finn said bumping into Teddy’s shoulder.

“I’m your dork though,” Teddy said sticking his tongue out at him.  
They were flirting. They were actually…my brain flashing to what the two of them might look like, like that. Together like that my face burning as I realized what I was…as I felt something happening as I tried to casually move my backpack, so it was in front of myself.

“What are you thinking about?” Finn asked me.

“Nothing,” I lied my face burning even brighter.

“Huh, oh sex detector strikes again,” Teddy said laughing at the look of horror I felt on my own face.

“I was….”

“You are,” Finn said.

“Oh, the other day he got a cuddle boner,” Teddy said.

“A cuddle boner? Really? Sounds kind of hot,” Finn said.

“FINN!” I said before I could stop myself.

“What? I know things now,” he said before he leaned close whispering in my ear, “That means I can say that stuff.”

“It does not,” Teddy said, “But it is just us.” 

“See? That’s what I’m saying,” Finn said shrugging his shoulders as we finally left the building, “My ride will be done any minute so I’m going to head to the car and you guys are…there it is.” 

Sure, enough there was that black limo my semi immediately dying away. Somehow it felt easier look at the limo, less anxiety-inducing as Teddy walked up to it Sasha getting out and talking to Teddy before Sasha nodded his head.

“Ok come on, we’re going to drop you off at home,” Teddy told me.

“Just like that?” I asked him unsure of myself.

“Yeah,” Teddy said, “Come on.”

I climbed into the car trying to settle into the seat feeling it, him. Trying to ignore it. Teddy must have seen it on my face because he reached out and grabbed my hand.

“So other then what happened in gym, how was your day?” Teddy asked me.

“Ok, I think,” I said.

“You talked to Todd during lunch instead of coming to see me,” Teddy said, “Am I losing your affection?”

I shook my head. Of course, he wasn’t. He tried to keep me safe. 

“Are you asking because you told Finn?” I asked him quietly.

“Yeah,” Teddy admitted, “I don’t…” he scooted closer to me his breath in my ear, “I don’t like thinking that …”

“You don’t have to,” I said shaking my head, “Ok? You don’t need to do that.”

Teddy gave me a small smile shrugging his shoulders. Neither one of us said it but we both knew what we were talking about. The fact that he had moved closer, the fact that he was so close all he had to do was lean forward and his lips would have met mine. How we both would have melted into it even if it was for the wrong reasons. Him telling me that he was sorry while I let him do it to comfort me, to make my anxiety feel better. 

“If Sasha weren’t here would you stop me?” he asked me quietly.

“I would,” I said, “Only because you’re more important to me than that.”

“Really? Even though I’m the one that…”

“It’s not you. That’s not you, that’s him,” I confirmed as the limo pulled up to the front gate, “I’ll see you later. Ok?”

“Yeah. Are you sure you’re not mad at me?” Teddy said, “About what I said to Finn?”

“I’m sure,” I told him, “You wanted him to understand me.”

“Right,” Teddy said nodding his head, “So I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah,” I said holding my arms open for a hug which he gave me, “If we could I’d kiss you right now,” I admitted feeling my face heating up.

“Ok,” he whispered in my ear nodding his head as I smiled before I got out of the car.

I stood for a minute watching them back down the driveway feeling how hot my face was. Wishing that things were different. That he would have tried to kiss me because he wanted to. Because he cared about me, even loved me and not because he was afraid I was mad at him. As I walked into the house all I could think about was how fucked up our lives were. That he felt he had to make out with me to make sure I wasn’t angry with him.

How HE had done that to him. To Teddy. To sweet amazing Teddy. Teddy who tried so hard to just…god, Teddy.


	83. Chapter 83

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will gets home from school feeling beyond annoyed as Cole tries to get him to open up. He develops a new manifestation of his anxiety causing everyone to worry before he's confronted by Uncle Ben later that night sending him to the ER.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2170-2187 **Warnings: Anxiety, mental health issues, sexual abuse, molestation, talk of bullying, PTSD, flashback,** This is a short chapter but, I'm going to post another one today. I'm just editing a lot today. **John's POV probably between chapter 32 and 33.** going to be between these two chapters for a while because the timelines aren't always 100% together. Just so you know. When we're back together I'll be sure to let you know.

I remember going upstairs and getting off the lift to hear laughter coming around the corner to find John, Pat, and Cole in the living room with the kids Cole tickling Cat as she giggled and wiggled on the ground.

“You’re a little late,” John said smiling at me as I came in.

“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head not sure what to say about it. Not sure if I wanted to tell him I’d missed the bus because I flipped out. Because of…because of Julian.

John frowned at me, probably reading my expression as he stood up coming over to me, “Do you need to talk?” he asked me quietly.

“No, I’m fine,” I told him shrugging my shoulders.

“Will, you can…”

“I’m fine,” I tried to assure him, “I don’t want to talk about it. I missed the bus I am fine.”

“Huh,” Cole said causing both of us to look up to realize that everyone but the three that weren’t home yet were looking at us, watching us, “Can we talk?” Cole asked me.

“I don’t want…”

“Maybe you need to talk to someone,” Cole said, “You’re getting upset. Everyone can tell you’re getting upset.”

“Maybe because I don’t want to talk,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

I really didn’t want to talk about it. How I had been assaulted that day. How I had learned that maybe the reason they were all looking at me like that was because I was a fucking porn star and I didn’t want to be one. I didn’t want to talk about those things.   
Especially not with John. John would only hate me for it. Hate me for not telling him sooner, hate me for…for everything.

“Well, what if I need to talk?” Cole asked me grabbing my more immediate attention, “Will you talk with me then?”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head.

“You promise?” Cole asked me.

“I promise,” I agreed.

“Ok. Guys, we’re going to go and hang out for a bit if that’s all right. Just the two of us,” Cole said.

“Keep the door cracked,” John said as we headed down the hall towards my room.

“What’s going on?” Cole asked me.

“I thought you wanted to do the talking?” I asked him.

“Ok, fine. Tosh and I aren’t together. I told you that, right?” he asked me.

I nodded my head in response.

“I kind of miss him. Just the…” Cole smiled to himself, “Stuff.”

“The sex?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” Cole admitted, “I miss Kris. I really fucking miss Kris.”

“Kristoff?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” Cole said, “I didn’t think I would but…I miss him.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, “didn’t he go away to school?”

“Yeah,” Cole said nodding his head, “It seems stupid, doesn’t it?”

“No,” I said, “I don’t think it’s stupid at all.”

“How are you doing? You and Teddy and possibly Finn?” Cole asked me smiling as I felt my face burn.

“It’s ok. We’re friends,” I told him.

“I don’t know,” Cole said, “I might have been high as a kite that one day but, I know what I saw. Is that what you don’t want to talk about?”

“No,” I shook my head. It wasn’t that. There were so many different things going on there.

Maybe it had something to do with the fact that everyone was watching videos of me fucking in their free time. That could have been something I was trying to avoid talking about. Maybe the fact that I’d fucked my brother as well as my Da repeatedly the weekend before. That could have been something I wanted to avoid talking about. Neither of those things related to Finn or Teddy. Not really.

“So, does that mean we can talk about that?” Cole asked me seeming very excited about the topic.

“What? No. No, I don’t want to talk about that either,” I said shaking my head.

“Why not?” Cole said.

“Because I don’t want to. I thought you were the one who wanted to talk,” I told him putting my book bag down next to my desk as I sat down on my bed taking off my blazer and vest before undoing my tie.

“When did you become a teenager?” Cole asked me.

“I don’t know,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“Ok,” Cole said walking up to my bedroom door and shutting it, “What’s going on? You need to talk to someone.”

“You already said that. It’s not going to make me talk any more than it was the first time. I have some maths I have to do,” I told him.

“Ok,” Cole said, “I talked to John a little bit earlier and he said that…”

“I don’t want to talk about that either,” I said shaking my head.

“Will, it’s me,” Cole said, “You can tell me anything.”

“Really, you want me to talk to you?” I said slamming my book down on my desktop before I turned to look at him.

“I would like that, yes,” Cole told me.

“Do you know…hmmm, Tyler McOwen?” I asked him quietly.

“I know a Steve McOwen. I’m going to assume they may be related,” Cole told me, “Why?”

“He pinned my arms behind my back as his friend shoved his dick in my face today,” I said not able to look at him.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Cole asked to which I shook my head, “Why? Why would they…?”

“Finn says Wallace has…that he’s seen some…some stuff. So maybe they have too,” I managed to answer.

“You mean of you and…?” I nodded my head vigorously, “Ok. Ok, that’s really not good. So, you mean instead of them talking about John when I heard Sul and Shane talking and heard the name McGregor they might have been talking about you?”

“I don’t know,” I said.

“I knew John had videos and I figured you had some but…do you really have that many?” he asked me, “He only made me do a few.”

“I don’t know,” I said again.

“Will, you know how many videos you’ve had shot. Don’t lie. Just give me a number. Ok? That’s it, just a number,” he told me.

He’s shot one just the two of us, Teddy and me. One with him me and Auggie, one with him, Teddy, Sergei and Josh, one with him me and Teddy and one with Teddy Luke and me. There was a possibility that there was one or two more as well. So, about half a dozen videos. I held up my hands.

“FUCK!” Cole said loudly, “Oh my fucking god. No, Will…how…?”

“I don’t know ok? I don’t know, I don…” I managed, “It’s not like I wanted to. I didn’t…he’d hurt them. You know him he’d…”

“Ok,” Cole said nodding his head, “Ok. Of course, you didn’t want to Will. You’ve been home almost 2 months and he’s put out…6…”

I felt sick just thinking about it. 

“Just go,” I said shaking my head.

“No, Will…”

“Just go, please. I don’t want…just go. Just go, just go, just…”

“Ok, ok honey you need….”

“NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!!” I screamed 

I don’t remember much after that. Not for a while. Bits and pieces. John. John being there and hugging me. Holding me. I don’t remember how they got me to calm down but, eventually, they did. I think John didn’t put it in his autobiography because it was my break down and not his. Cole didn’t know that trigger though. If he would have said anything else I honestly can’t say whether I would have been ok or not. My guess is I still wouldn’t have been but, it didn’t help. Not after that weekend.

Not after Wallace and Julian. Not after Tyler and Steve I just…all I could think about was how many more videos I was going to have to make. How bad things might get. How I’d never get away. How I’d always be his because someone would kill me. If he didn’t it was going to be Wallace or someone else or…

“Hey wingman, it’s ok,” I heard his voice, “it’s ok. I’m right here. God, his skin is so hot.”

“You’ve never seen him do this?” Cole asked John.

“No, he’s coming around…,” John muttered, “It’s ok, wingman.”

“What happened?” I heard Pat say, “I’ve seen him flip his shit a couple of times. Can you…?”

“We were talking…about stuff. He told me to go and I went to tell him that wasn’t a good idea and he kept saying he wanted me to leave so I told him no hu…”

“You didn’t…” John said.

“Didn’t what?” Cole asked.

“You can’t call him Honey. You can’t do that,” John said shaking his head.

“Why? I call everyone Honey or Hun,” Cole said.

“Cole,” Pat said, “Stop and think about it for a minute. “

“Oh shit,” Cole swore, “I’m a fucking retard. Will, I’m am so sorry. Are you ok?”

I felt tired. Less like something was wrong and more tired. More like I was worn out. No, that’s not right something was wrong, my ears were popping, and my eyes felt weird like I was being held under water, someone shoving my inhaler in my mouth when I didn’t say anything. The moment someone helped me use my inhaler I felt slightly better. Something was wrong. It was almost like….

“Where is…?”

“Where is who?” John asked.

“D…Da,” I started to ask.

“Not here,” Pat said a weird smile on his face, “Are you ok?”

I shook my head. 

“Wingman, what’s wrong?” John asked me before Pat apparently read my face shoving it into my rubbish bin as I started barfing all over the place.

“Oh, dear god,” John muttered as he helped me sit up and started rubbing my back.

“Did I make him sick?” Cole asked.

“I don’t know,” Pat said.

“Can someone go grab Alice? I’ve never seen him do this. We need a doctor,” John said.

“Maybe not,” Cole said shaking his head, “Will how do you feel can you use your words?”

“My ears keep popping,” I managed before I started vomiting some more.

“Blurred vision too?” Cole asked to which I nodded my head as John kept rubbing my back.

“He has a migraine,” Cole said, “What we need is some Motrin and all the ice packs in the house. Trust me.”

“What?” John asked, “How is that going to help?”

“He’s got a migraine, you’re sure?” Pat asked Cole nodding his head making me feel dizzy, “Ok trust him. Cole gets them all the time.”

“Really?” John asked.

“It’s because I don’t do coke anymore, but yeah,” Cole said.

“Ok, when is he going to stop barfing though?” John asked.

“In a minute. He still has food in his system from lunch apparently. Once his stomach is empty it will stop,” Cole assured everyone.

I felt retarded. Or I would have if I was able to see or think but all I could manage was blinding pain. When you’re incredibly anxious your body starts to release a lot of chemicals and these chemicals do different things to your body. Too many of them and you get sick. The way my body processed the effects of all the anxiety I was having was asthma as well as now migraines.

I don’t know who got what but eventually, there were pills being shoved down my throat with the coldest glass of water I had ever drunk as well as a lot of ice packs surrounding my face and head. Eventually, I managed to move when my face didn’t feel hot anymore. When my head didn’t feel like it was burning and trying to split open and spill my brains out like an egg anymore.

I think it was late and no one was there anymore I was sure. I remember feeling that before I looked at the clock, that it was late. 11 pm. I don’t remember why…why I got up. I did though. I changed into my PJ’s and then went to go get a drink from the kitchen. I could hear Da in John’s room. Hear the bed hitting against the wall. It felt…everything felt stupid.

I saw the pantry handle moving and I turned. I ran I didn’t want to do it. I couldn’t…I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it. And yet…I don’t know if I tripped or if he pushed me down. But I felt my wrist snap as he climbed onto my back.  
“No, no, no,” I begged as I felt him scratching at my hips amazed that the sound of us hitting the ground hadn’t woken anyone up.  
“Shut up!” he hissed in my ear, “You think it’s going to be that easy you little fucking slut! Do you think I haven’t heard? Do you think he doesn’t know that you’re fucking around? He knows. He knows and you’re lucky he’s not having me drag you out of this house by your balls.”

Wait for what?

No. I wasn’t fucking around. I wasn’t. I…

“I’m not, I swear I’m…” I barely managed to get out before he put his hand on the back of my neck shoving my face hard into the floor. So hard that if it had been carpeted I wouldn’t have been able to breathe.

“Sure, that’s exactly what a slut would say. You think he hasn’t heard from the headmaster all the rumors going around at that school. About how you’re such a slut you like getting fucked in the bathroom? You think he doesn’t know. Well, guess what? This Cunt belongs to him and to me and no one else,” Uncle Ben said ripping my pants at the middle seam using the fly. Before going up the leg of my briefs with his hand.

“I’m not, I’m not, please, I’m…” I barely managed as he shoved his fingers in.

“I don’t know about that,” he muttered as I whimpered, “Feels pretty loose to me. Who else have you been whoring out your little cunt too? Huh?” he asked me as he pinned me hard to the ground.

No one. No one.

“Willy?” I heard.

“Kid go the fuck back to sleep,” Uncle Ben hissed at him.

“Willy are you ok?” James asked.

“I said go THE FUCK TO SLEEP!” Ben roared.

“What the actual…?” I heard as a door banged open, “Jesus…Ben, get off him.”

“Connie…”

“Don’t call me that right now, get off him!” Da hissed as he stood in the doorway of John’s room ass naked, “What are you two even doing up? BEN!” 

“OUCH! Jesus, I’m not 16 anymore!” Uncle Ben yelled as his weight suddenly lifted off me.

“Then don’t fucking wake me up like a fucking 16-year-old who can’t keep it in his pants. I’m pretty sure you don’t have permission to touch him anyway. You know what I’m talking about and I know for a fucking fact you don’t have permission to touch that one. So, you need to go back downstairs before I turn you in. Will? Why are you lying on the floor like a dead fish? Get up!”

He thought I was…he thought I was messing around.

“You think he really cares? He’s shaking his ass all over the place you heard what…”

“That was my phone call,” Da said, “You keep your nose out of my phone calls and he said they were rumors. Will, are you fucking anyone?”

I shook my head. Of course, I wasn’t fucking anyone. Only the people he made me. I wasn’t stupid enough to…

“No,” I whimpered.

“Why are you still lying on the floor?” he asked me.

“He broke my wrists,” I whimpered.

“Are you serious?” Da hissed.

“He ran. They do…”

“He can run from you if he thinks you’re going hurt him! If he’s protecting what belongs to someone else, he can punch you in the balls. He has a contract, Ben. And it’s not you. Honestly, I don’t think Will is stupid enough to fuck around and I think Lionel knows that. So, keep your hands to yourself. Do you think he really broke your arm, honey?” Da asked me.

I nodded my head. It felt like it. It really felt like it. 

“Ok,” Da said I’m going to help you stand up,” Da said reaching down, “What arm?”

“My right,” I answered.

“Good thing you’re left-handed,” Da muttered reaching out and grabbing my left wrists helping me to my feet, “Go and change your pants. I’ll put James back in bed and throw something on. BEN! Downstairs! Now!” 

“I’m going!” Uncle Ben said walking over to the lift. Da and I watching as the doors closed before either of us moved.

“Ok, well that’s been taken care of. Jay peewee, you need to be in bed,” Da said looking at him.

“What was he doing?” Jay asked.

“Nothing bud,” I said, “Nothing it’s fine, I’m…”

“Go change your trousers. And your pants,” Da told me, “I’ll get him back in bed.”

“Da…,” I started to argue.

“No, now. He’ll have my head if you have a broken arm and I didn’t take care of it,” Da told me.

I sighed deeply before I did as I was told turning and going into my room. Why would he even care? He thought I was fucking around on him. You would think that meant I deserved a broken wrist or worse. I didn’t see what the point was even as I changed my bottoms.

Eventually, Da knocked on my bedroom door fully dressed as he looked at me, “what am I going to do with you?”

I didn’t know how to answer that. I didn’t know if there was anything to say to that. He sighed at me, “Well come on then. Honey let’s go get this taken care of.”

I nodded my head not sure what else I could do besides follow him even as I realized the kids would be alone, “Da, what about the babies?”

“Baby is here,” he said shrugging his shoulders, “Come on. He would be right pissed if I didn’t make sure you were taken care of. Ok, so you and I need to have a talk.”

“Ok,” I said quietly not sure how else to respond as we got into the lift.

“I told him they have to just be rumors but, I want to know the truth. I want to hear what’s going on. I told him you can’t possibly be messing around with anyone because you can’t even look at yourself naked without blushing let alone let someone else do it. That’s the truth, but we need to figure out where these rumors are coming from.”

“I don’t know Da,” I told him, “Finn said that Wal watched a movie. He thinks other people might have too.”

“That’s all you think it is? Because he got a call from Headmaster Watson on Friday after you skipped. Something about you coming into the office on Wednesday. He said he was going to give you a chance to call him and explain. You haven’t said anything to me, so I doubt you’ve called him. He is your contract holder. If you’re having problems, you need to tell him or me, so we can help you. We can’t help you if we don’t know something is happening, William. You do understand that, don’t you?” He asked me.

“I…” I started.

“No crying. Be a man, honey. Use your words and don’t whine about it. Just tell me what happened,” Da said.

“My mentor. He…he did stuff. At school,” I barely managed to answer.

“Did what?” Da asked me as we walked to the back door him looking at my wrist and sighing heavily.

It was swelling. Swelling like a balloon. I had felt the pop when I had landed on it but, I didn’t think I had landed on it that hard. Apparently, I had and that was my bodies way of telling us that it was broken. 

“Well, I’m waiting,” he said opening the door as he hit the key fob.

“He told me he had a…a project Da, he took me to…”

“Quit stuttering,” Da told me.

“Sorry, Da,” I said, “He took me into a room full of microfilm and before I knew what was happening he locked the door. I told him no, Da, I swear I told him…”

“Oh, for the love of god,” Da said, “Did he penetrate you?”

I shook my head. No, he hadn’t, “No, he ruined my trousers, so I had to go to the office to get another pair.”

“How did he ruin your trousers?” Da asked me.

“He pulled them down and he rubbed on me until…until he came on me,” I admitted.

“There’s nothing to cry about, Will. You’re fine,” Da told me, “Is that all that happened? I mean at school it isn’t ideal but, is that all that happened?”

“He rubbed me,” I answered.

“He rubbed you or he rubbed on you?” Da asked me as we got in the car.

“Both,” I said feeling my face getting hot.

“Did he make you cum?” Da asked me.

He had. I hadn’t wanted it. But, he had. More than once.

“I didn’t want to,” I tried.

“You still gave it to him,” Da said, “Is that all that’s happened?”

“One of my classmates shoved his dick in my face earlier today,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “Maybe if I wasn’t such a slut…”

“So, you are sleeping around then?” He asked me.

“NO! No, Da I’m not. I only sleep with who he tells me to. I’m not stupid,” I said shaking my head, “I’m his.”

“So, you understand that then?” he asked me.

“Of course, I do,” I answered.

“Ok, then you need to start talking to him. I shouldn’t have to be telling you that. Speaking of…,” he trailed off using the car phone to dial out.

“Connor why on earth are you calling me at midnight?” His voice said sounding annoyed.

“I thought you would like to know that my brother broke your special boy’s arm,” Da said.

“What? Which one? If he la…”

“William,” Da answered, “Speaking of you’re on speaker phone if you want to talk to him.”

“Little one, are you there?” Lionel asked me.

“Yes, Daddy L,” I said my cheeks burning with shame as I said the words.

“Can you tell me what happened?” He asked me.

“Why don’t you tell him everything that’s happened?” Da injected, “just like you told me.”

“Connor?” Lionel questioned.

“Well, we talked about some of the rumors that you were concerned about and he told me he’s been loyal. I told him he needed to tell you what he told me. Now would be a good time while we’re on the way to the ER.” Da said.

“I’ve already heard one version of that story which I am finding hard to believe. It would be nice to hear William’s version of events. I’m listening,” Lionel said.

“He told me he had a project to work on. We aren’t supposed to leave our mentors while we’re in the library, so I followed him. He took…”

“He took you somewhere or did you follow him?” Lionel said.

“Sorry Daddy L,” I said as he corrected me, “I followed him into this room and before I could turn around he locked the door. He told me he wanted to.... you…you…”

“No stuttering,” Lionel said, “You’re not in trouble, William. We just want to hear what happened.”

“Sorry Daddy L,” I said again, “He told me he wanted to touch me. To rub on me and get himself off. I told him I didn’t want to. He said if it was above my pants it didn’t matter. He could do it. I told him I didn’t want to, but he pulled down my trousers and he rubbed against me and he touched me through my knickers and …”

I could feel my whole body shaking. I was sure he was beyond pissed at me. Beyond pissed that I had let Wallace do that. 

“Intercrural?” Lionel asked.

“I think that’s what he’s describing,” Da agreed.

“What else happened little one? Did he penetrate you?” He asked me.

“No, Daddy L. I told him no. I tried to make…I’m sorry, I tried to make him stop and he wouldn’t, and he came on me and he wouldn’t stop. And when he was done he made me pull up my trousers and started working on his project like nothing happened. I’m sorry Daddy L, I tried to make him stop and he wouldn’t,” I told him.

“He did have very large bruises on his neck and the back of his legs as well as his wrists. So, I think he is telling the truth,” Da said, “Tell him about the other stuff.”

“Finn says Wallace saw videos. The videos of…”

“The videos we made for enjoyment?” Lionel asked.

“Yes, Daddy L,” I mumbled, “He thinks other people might have seen them too. Two boys earlier in my class today one of them pinned my arms behind my back while the other shoved his penis in my face like he wanted me to…I didn’t. I swear I didn’t but, I couldn’t get away. Father Everstein saw it and then he stopped them.”

“Teddy called and notified me of that incident,” Lionel said, “And it will be taken care of.”

“So, you believe him on that one?” Da asked him.

“Absolutely,” Lionel said, “He might have let things get away from him in Montana and he might have trouble with obeying certain things but, he’s a good boy, Connor. He’s a very good boy and he tries. He knows his boundaries and I don’t believe he would ever purposefully cross them. I want your brother out of the house. I am this close to sending him to Albania for a while the way he keeps bringing certain things up.”

“I can understand that. I will make it clear he is not allowed back in the house until you feel comfortable with him being around them again,” Da said.

“I know this sounds strange, but I didn’t see him last week and he’s injured so I would like to meet you at the ER. If that’s ok,” Lionel said.

“I don’t know how long…”

“I’m in town. I’m not even at the Villa. There were some things going on that I had to take care of here so I’m spending that night at Susan’s. I can be to Jude’s memorial in 20 minutes,” Lionel said.

“Ok, I have no problem with you keeping us company as we wait for x-rays and stuff. Isn’t that nice of Daddy L to want to make sure you’re ok?”

“Yes, Da,” I muttered.

“Ok, I’m getting dressed. I’ll see you both shortly,” Lionel said before he hung up the phone.

“You’re lucky he loves you,” Da said, “I don’t know if I would have patience for a boy if there was more than one person saying he was messing around.”

“I don’t mess around Da,” I said, “I really don’t.”

“That’s going to be hard to believe because of Montana you realize? And before you ask I’ve known for a while it just wasn’t my place to say because I’m not your contract holder,” Da told me.

“I didn’t…”

“I know you didn’t think you’d be coming back but that’s beside the point,” Da told me, “You knew he loved you. You knew he would look for you. You should have kept that in mind instead of spreading your legs for someone.”

“I know,” I said, “I’m sorry.”

“Your wrists really does not look good, Honey,” Da said just as we got to the hospital sign and turned where it said Emergency department entrance. Da parked and then came around and opening the car door, “You need to tell them that you tripped while you were in the hallway and caught yourself wrong. Ok?”

“Ok, Da,” I answered nodding my head.

“all right let’s go,” he said as we started walking to the building.

It was quiet. There were some people inside caught in the iridescent light and seeming annoyed by it, but it was just after midnight. Da walking up to the reception desk.

“And what brings you in tonight?” The woman asked.

“My son tripped over himself in the hallway and I think he broke his wrist,” Da answered.

“Ok, why don’t you have a seat? Someone will be with you shortly,” She said just as the sliding doors opened behind us and I heard his voice.

“Is he ok?” Lionel asked.

“Mr. Lord?” the woman asked.

“Yes, I’m a family friend,” he said, “Are you ok?” he asked me.

I felt fine other than my wrists hurt when I tried to move it and it was so swollen it appeared to be 3 times bigger than my other wrists. So that was fun. I mean I wasn’t really thrilled to see Lionel either but that wasn’t what he was asking about.

Just then someone appeared telling us to follow them. They took us to a room where they took my blood pressure and temperature and asked me what had happened before looking at my arm and taking me back into a room. I don’t know why Da wasn’t there are first or why Lionel had stayed with them but the next thing I knew there was someone knocking on the door to the room they had put me in before they opened it.

She was a young woman. Mousy brown hair with a friendly smile even though she looked tired, “Hi, William?” she asked me.

I nodded my head not sure what to say to her. Not sure what was happening and where they were. It wasn’t that I wanted them around, it was more that I didn’t want to get in trouble. If I said the wrong thing, something stupid I was in trouble again, trouble I had just gotten myself out of.

“I’m Dr. Reeves,” she said, “I heard you broke your arm, can I see?”

I showed her my wrists her making a small whistling sound as she saw it, “That is a bad break it looks like. Can you tell me how it happened?”

“I woke up to get a drink and I must have tripped over my pant leg or…What’s wrong?” I asked her.

“You have a contusion on your neck do you mind if I…?”

“Don’t touch me!” I snapped backing away.

“Ok,” she told me, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you. What’s going on?”

“I don’t like it when people touch me,” I said shaking my head.

“Ok,” she said quietly, “Do you know where you got that from?” she asked me.

Just then Da and Lionel came into the room, “Hello Dr,” Da said, “Did you ask him about what happened?”

“Of course. I’m just wondering what that bruise behind his ear is from,” Dr. Reeves said.

“Let me…,” Da said coming over, “I didn’t see that before. I was told earlier he had a headache. Possibly a migraine.”

“Migraine?” Lionel asked frowning with worry.

“Alice called me. She said earlier that the boys told her he was complaining of blurred vision, dizziness and something about his ears. That they thought it was a migraine headache. He slept through dinner,” Da said.

“Oh,” Lionel said, “That’s new.”

“Right,” Da said.

“William is it possible that bruise is from you squeezing your neck?” Dr. Reeves asked, “A lot of people who suffer from Migraines say that very strong pressure on the pressure points of the sinuses and base of the neck help relieve some of the pain. That would also explain why he might have tripped. Even after being medicated Migraines can last for hours or days. Is it possible you gave yourself that bruise?”

“Maybe,” I said, “I don’t know. I just remember feeling really sick.”

“That’s new,” Lionel said again, “Who was there?”

“The boys,” Da answered him.

“Which boys?” Lionel asked.

“I think we’re going to go for an x-ray,” Dr. Reeves said looking at them like she was nervous.

I nodded my head following her.

“Is everything ok William?” she asked me.

“It’s fine other than I’m pretty sure I have a broken wrist,” I said.

“Are you related to a Johnathan?” She asked me.

“He’s my brother,” I answered.

“Johnathan tried to commit suicide a while ago,” she said.

“I realize, I was there,” I told her.

“Do you know why?” she asked me.

“I haven’t asked,” I lied.

“When your brother came he was covered in bruises too,” she told me, “Even worse than you are. I repo…”

“Look, whatever is happening in our family we have it handled,” I told her, “We’re fine. If we were being abused, we’d tell someone.” I lied.

“If someone was hurting you, would you really say anything? Your brother and I did talk a little bit. He said there are a lot of you. I’m just…”

“I’m fine. He’s fine, everything and everyone is fine. Can you take the pictures and get it casted, so I can go home and go to sleep?” I said.

What I really wanted to do was add a “hopefully” on the end of that because if Lionel was there the odds of him coming into the house and…they were pretty big. It made me want to scream. I didn’t want to have sex with him especially not that night. Was I ready for Friday? I was still preparing myself let alone ready for it that night. I just wanted him to go away.

It actually didn’t take long. Only a couple of hours and by the time I was cast and ready to go home it was 3 am. Da telling Lionel he could follow us home if he wanted even though he declined saying something about Susan needing the extra hands in the morning to make sure Luke and Teddy got off to school.


	84. Chapter 84

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will stays up late in order to help John the whole incident making him feel even worse about himself before a long day at school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2187 to 2236. Yes, it's a longer chapter a lot going on here. A serious amount really, **Warnings: rape, sexual assault, bullying, mental health issues, PTSD, growing up, crushes, anxiety**

I don’t know how I managed to get up and go back to school at 6 but, I did. And I did it well. I don’t remember anything happening at school that day. Everything fell into a weird routine while I waited for the world to crash down around me. For a note calling me Harem boy, for Julian to mutter slut at my back in Gym class. But, none of that happened.

Instead, the eventful things happened after school. I got home to find out that Mike had stayed home from school because of something he was refusing to talk to Alice about while James had been woken only for Alice to find he had wet the bed the night before. John, John was missing. He hadn’t gotten off the school bus like he should have the idea making my stomach hurt. Making me wonder where he was.

I was home for all of 10 minutes before Da told Alice that she needed to let Hank and Ben spend time with the toddlers. Use the pool to which she seemed more than displeased with citing her need to make dinner as a reason for them to stay with her to which Da told her to move us downstairs into the larger kitchen, that she could keep an eye on them in the pool from the window while she cooked which was true enough. So, I ended up helping her make sure we all got downstairs fine before helping put life jackets on so that they could safely play in the pool before I started working on my homework. Cat, James, and Matt all came home with no sign of John still, Alice mentioning once or twice that maybe she should tell Hank since he was a police detective and he was there. That maybe she should send someone out to look for him.

I don’t remember him coming in from outside but Vic walking in the front door and making small talk before he went outside with Alice them coming in with the babies and John together before Vic took off upstairs with John as we started sitting down to eat.

“Where was he?” I asked Alice.

“Apparently he missed the bus, he seems ok,” she told me.

To me, he didn’t seem ok. Not really. Something seemed off. I don’t know if it was the way he wouldn’t look at anyone when he had walked in the house holding Mary tightly in his arms before he put her in her high chair or what, but something seemed wrong.

“Come on,” Vic said looking at him before John nodded his head even though he looked like he was ready to start crying. 

He was, something was wrong. I didn’t know what it was but, something was wrong.

Pat walked into the kitchen his eyes wide looking around wildly like he was hunting deer with a knife and had lost track of it.

“Is he here?” he asked me, Alice, looking at him before she bursts out laughing.

“Boy, I hope you ain’t doing drugs again,” Alice muttered shaking her head as she laughed at herself Cole starting to chuckle too.

“No, it’s…is he here?” Pat asked again.

“Right, we ran into some…something,” Cole tried to explain, “He’s worried.”

“He just went upstairs,” I told Pat my anxiety kicking up even higher, “What’s going on?” I asked Pat’s back as he started walking up the kitchen steps.

He didn’t slow down. He nearly ran up the stairs running into Vic and John outside of the guest bedroom mum had claimed as hers that no one had been in since we had come home Pat hugging John tightly as John buried his face in Pat’s chest and Pat wrapped his arms around him completely like he was shielding him from something.

“Oh, thank god,” Pat whispered still loud enough for me to hear, “I was so worried that maybe they wouldn’t bring you home at all. Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m ok now,” John muttered clinging to Pat tightly like he was really not ok.

“You’re safe,” Pat told him kissing the top of his head as he breathed in deeply breathing John in, “You’re safe, Rabbit. I promise.”

“What are you talking about? Did something happen?” I asked quietly.

“It did,” Vic said quietly.

“We missed the bus,” Pat explained, “He can’t walk it. He had to go with Dick with…”

“Leo?” I asked feeling sick to my stomach, “You know they probably did something, right?”

“They did,” Vic said quietly as Pat nodded above John’s body shielding him almost like he could use his body to protect John from whatever had already happened to him. Like just holding him Pat could keep him safe from it.

“Let’s get you upstairs, huh Rabbit? Get you in the shower? Make sure you’re nice and clean and fed. Make you feel better, all right?” Pat muttered as John held onto him as we got into the lift.

I didn’t want to ask what had happened. I already knew. Leo had raped him. I wasn’t stupid. He’d raped him worse then he’d raped me. Making John plead with him to stop the whole time. Begging him to just leave him alone. To just …to stop. To let John just breathe.

Vic grabbed my shoulder as they walked down the hall Pat still wrapped around him walking backward, navigating to make sure they didn’t run into anything. He seemed so close to broken. So close to done. I wanted to be with him and tell him I felt it too. That he wasn’t the only one Vic stopping me from following.

“You know what he did?” I asked him.

“They need to be alone right now,” Vic told me.

“I nee…”

“I know, but they need to be alone right now,” Vic said, “Let’s give them a little bit. You want a drink?”

“It’s my house,” I told Vic who smiled like he was trying not to laugh at me.

“That’s very true, yes but I’m not the one who looks like he’s on the verge of a panic attack,” Vic pointed out.

“I’m always on the verge of a panic attack,” I told him, “Is it wrong that I want to make sure he’s ok?”

“Always?” Vic asked me seeming really concerned suddenly.

“Yes, always,” I said nodding my head, “I don’t know.”

“Do you know what’s causing it?” He asked me, “What does it feel like? Still the racing thoughts and the elevated heart rate?”

“Like my chest is always tight like I’m almost going to have an asthma attack. Sometimes my head feels funny, off. This feeling that something is wrong. Something big is very wrong and I can’t fix it. It doesn’t matter what I do, how hard I try I’m always wrong.”  
“You’re always wrong or something is always wrong?” he asked me.

“Both,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

“Have you been getting the medication I gave you?” he asked me.

“Yes,” I answered.

“Ok, I think I’m going to add something to it. And then I’m going to go talk to your Dad in a minute,” he told me.

“It’s fine,” I said shaking my head.

“It’s obviously not fine,” Vic told me, “I hear him talk sometimes.”

“It doesn’t concern you. You’re my doctor,” I told him.

“Who cares about your well-being because it’s my job,” he told me.

“Yeah, it’s your job when you’re seeing me as my doctor. You’re not my friend. You’re not…”

“No one else is taking care of your mental health so I have to,” he told me.

“Well, I don’t want to talk about it. My…I’ll be fine,” I replied.

“Let me he…”

“HELP ME WHAT?!” I hissed, “Help me deal with the fact that he makes me hold his fucking hand? Help me what? You can’t help me. No one can fucking help me. When someone tries to …when someone tries to help me I…”

“Ok Will, you need to calm down,” Vic told me.

“Oh,” Cole said as I lift opened, “What’s going on? Are you ok?”

“I’m fucking fine! Everyone just…”

I went into my bedroom slamming the door. I would be fucking fine if everyone would just stop. Just stop asking me if I was ok. No, I wasn’t ok. Wallace made it hard to be ok and then the fact that if he…if he hadn’t chosen to believe me…I needed my brother. I needed to…I felt stupid. I felt stupid for needing him. For wanting him to just tell me it was ok even if he didn’t know what was wrong.

And here he was with his boyfriend in the other room because he…because he felt the same way about himself that I did about me. I didn’t know what I was doing anymore. What I should do anymore. I sighed not sure what to do but thinking maybe…maybe, calming down and going to the kitchen grabbing the cordless phone and taking it back to my room before dialing. I knew the number. I just …I was always afraid he’d answer. I didn’t want to hear his voice. It was Tuesday though so hopefully just because he was there last night he’d be gone.

“Yeah?” I heard him answer sighing deeply with relief as I heard someone yell at him, a woman’s muffled voice, “Sorry, Hello, you have the Larkin residence how may I help you? Is that better mom?” I heard him say without covering the phone.

That made me laugh. Made me feel better. Teddy being Teddy.

“Will?” He asked his voice softening.

“Aye,” I managed.

“What’s going on?” He asked.

“I just…I know it’s only been an hour or two but…”

“It’s ok. What’s up?” he asked me.

“I just needed to hear someone,” I answered shrugging my shoulders as I threw myself down on my bed.

“Like what? Do you just want to listen to me go about my day on the phone? I mean I don’t have any problem with that, but it is a little…my mom might eventually want me off the line,” Teddy said, “We can do that though, it’s totally cool with me. I can even put you on speaker if you want.”

“No, that’s ok,” I told him, “It’s fine.”

“Ok, well I’m doing math,” he said, “Fucking …sorry mom,” he said as his mom said something to him again muffled, “Cadrick is not my favorite teacher.”

“I like him better than Bellington,” I murmured.

“He’s better than Father Carver, true,” Teddy said, and I swear I could hear him nodding his head, “So anything exciting happen since we left school?”

“John missed the bus. When he came home he was practically crying,” I mentioned.

“That’s sh…that sucks,” Teddy said, “Do you think he’s going to be ok?”

“Your mum doesn’t like swearing?” I asked him.

“That is true, she does not, no. NO, mom, we’re talking about how you don’t like swearing. Jesus. Sorry,” Teddy told me, “Who am I on the phone with? Why does it matter? It’s someone I go to school with.”

“Are you going to tell her it’s me?” I asked him.

“No, it’s someone I know from school. I just told you that,” he said, “He needs someone to…mom, why? Seriously why? It’s my friend Rick. Yeah, yeah cool. Huh, yeah. Ok then. I’m going.”

“Are you hanging up?” I asked him.

“No, I’m taking you to my room,” Teddy said.

“That sounds…weird,” I told him.

“Mhm, you bet,” Teddy said, “Could be a little kinky if you weren’t on the phone.”

“Yeah sure, Teddy that’s what I meant,” I told him.

“I didn’t think you did,” He told me, “What else is happening?”

“My uncle Broke my arm,” I answered.

“HOLY SHIT WHAT?!” He said loudly, “Are you ok? What happened?”

“He didn’t tell you?” I asked him.

“He wh…oh, no,” Teddy said, “He like left early this morning right after I got on the bus because mom wasn’t as hung over as she thought she might be. So, what happened?”

“My uncle,” I sighed, “He told me I was a slut. He pushed me down…”

“Did he…you know?” Teddy asked quietly.

“He was going to. He woke my little brother up and hearing his voice woke my dad up so…he stopped him,” I answered.

“Well, that’s good. That at the very least is good. I wish you would have told me at school,” Teddy said.

“Finn would have gotten mad,” I told him, “I didn’t want him mad today.”

“You’d rather he be mad tomorrow while you’re dealing with Wallace?” Teddy asked me.

“Yeah,” I said.

“He’d never take his anger out on you,” Teddy said, “He lo…he cares about you.”

“I know. He might take it out on you though. If I would have flipped out it would have caused a fight.”

“That’s why you were so quiet today?” Teddy asked me his voice soft, calm.

“Yeah,” I said, “I don’t like it when you two yell at each other and I need you. It scares me.”

“Ok,” Teddy said, “Maybe Finn and I need to have a talk about keeping our fights away from you then?”

“No, I don’t want you to quit being you. I like you both. A lot,” I said, “I just wish you liked each other more sometimes.”

“We like each other a lot too,” Teddy said, “It’s just sometimes we don’t see eye to eye right away on some stuff. But, we do like each other, I promise.”

“It doesn’t seem like it,” I said quietly.

“We do,” Teddy told me, “You don’t see us in the classes you don’t have with us.”

“You sound like you’re smiling,” I told him.

“I am,” Teddy said, “I like Finn. Sometimes we just…you want to know what it is?”

“I’d like too since you seem to like him,” I told him, “Or at least that’s what you say.”

“You,” Teddy said, “Not in a bad way we just…on your bad days sometimes we disagree on how to help you best.”

“You mean cuddles?” I asked him.

“Maybe,” he answered quietly.

“You’re cuddle jealous? That’s what it is? That’s why you seem to disagree with him?”

“Yes, ok? Yes, I’ll admit it. I want you to…you know with me sometimes,” Teddy said.

“It’s just he’s closer sometimes,” I confessed, “he’s in more of my classes.”

“It doesn’t have anything to do with him?” Teddy asked me.

“No, I promise,” I told him, “All you have to do is ask.”

“You’d cuddle with me if …if I asked?” he asked me sounding uncertain of what he was saying.

“Yes Teddy, I like you. I like you a lot,” I said, “I mean I won’t be all cuddly in front of like everyone else but when it’s…yeah just, just ask.”

“That’s all it will take?” he asked me.

“I swear. Like we did in the loo that one time. And you know in the bird watching place,” I told him.

“Ok,” he said sounding really happy suddenly, “Ok.”

“Are you ok now?” I asked him after waiting a minute or two for him to say something else.

“Huh, yeah?” Teddy said, “Sorry, I’m…”

“Touching yourself?” I asked which made Teddy giggle.

“No,” he answered, “My mom would kill me. I’m not…We’re not allowed to do that.”

“We aren’t either,” I admitted, “Just hearing you makes me feel better.”

“Good. I’m glad,” Teddy said.

“I should probably go,” I told him, “Before your mum checks the phone and finds out it's me.”

“Huh,” Teddy said before exhaling deeply, “Yeah. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“You too,” I told him hanging up the phone.

Just hearing him had made me feel better. Made life not seem so hopeless. Made me feel safe enough to believe that things would be ok. That I was ok. I wanted to check on John though and I wasn’t sure where Vic was but if he had tried to stop me I probably would have told him off.

I tried to do things to distract myself even though I wanted to talk to John so that I could give Pat and him some space, some alone time but it was hard. I ate dinner and played with Catty but really, I wanted my brother. I wanted John. I waited until shortly after dinner to approach his room.

I walked to his door knocking on it before I opened it waiting for someone to tell me it was ok. I remember walking in and Pat was on the bed with him, holding him like they usually did John closing his eyes as he saw me burying his face in Pat’s chest like he wanted to cry.

He was so ashamed of me he wanted to cry when he saw me.

“You guys want me to go?” I managed to spit out.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’…” I could hear him saying against Pat’s chest.

Pat signaled for me to stay as he soothed him, telling him he didn’t do anything wrong. That it wasn’t his fault.

“He’s right, John. You didn’t do anything. It was Da. I’m not stupid, I know it was Da,” I said sitting down as Pat went to go untangle himself from John’s arms me stopping him shaking my head, “You can stay, Pat. It’s ok. I’m guessing you already know what happened?”

“Yeah,” Pat said quietly before he kissed John on the cheek gently even though John still refused to really look at me. To unbury his face from Pat’s chest really, “He thinks you still hate him.”

The fact that we had barely talked Monday probably hadn’t helped things. Especially after I had told him I would talk. Things just hadn’t gone the way they were supposed to though, they never really did. It was something that was starting to make me angry, starting to make things harder and then Da and Uncle Ben that night and…the whole thing was just horrible. A bad dream I wanted to forget ever happened.

“John, I could never hate you. You remember what he said, what he told us? He said you do it or I’ll go get Mike. Do it or I’ll make sure it hurts him. You were protecting me. We were protecting Mike. You weren’t doing it because you wanted to.

You were doing it, so he wouldn’t. We did it, so he wouldn’t hurt anyone else, both of us. We both made that choice. So, don’t act like it was all on you. It was there too. I made that choice too.”

“Yeah,” John said sitting up looking at me, “But you didn’t…”

I knew what he was saying. He didn’t have to finish the word. He didn’t make me ejaculate inside of my brother. Do that to my brother I had only had to spread my legs and…and let it happen like I always did. Like they always made me do.

“Because he didn’t make me,” I told him, “He could have very easily made me be the one to get on top. You don’t know. You heard him though and you know just like I know that he meant it. He meant all those threats. He would have hurt me or Mike and neither one of us could live with him hurting Mike.

We can live with this. What we did. I know I can deal with that. In my eyes, there’s nothing to forgive you for because you were protecting me and Mike the only way you could, John. The only way he would ever let you which is climbing on top of me and…doing that.

You were doing the only thing you could. Don’t hate yourself for that, please? I don’t hate you for it. I could never hate you for it. After everything, he’s ever made me do I’m surprised you don’t hate me.”  
“I couldn’t…I couldn’t ever hate you. What do you think you’ve done?” 

John asked me sitting up and moving forward hugging me, “You’re my wingman. What do you think you’ve done? I can’t think of one thing that you’ve ever done that was anything close to what he made me do to you. That was anywhere close to that evil.”

He hugged me pulling me into his chest. And it felt safe. Like a lie but, safe. A different type of safe from Teddy and Finn but…if only it wasn’t built on a lie then maybe…maybe I could have let myself accept it, believe it.

“ He doesn’t hate you at all, Rabbit,” Pat assured him as he held me, as he cuddled me.

“I’m fine really,” I told him shaking my head, “There’s nothing to forgive you for. You saved me, you protected me.” 

“You promise?” he asked me looking closely at me.

Looking at me so intensely I almost turned away like he was looking for a lie. For the truth, I wouldn’t tell him because I was too worried. That everything was shit and didn’t make any sense to me. That everything sucked.

“I swear, John. I could never hate you. Not ever. You do everything you can to protect me and you always have, and I know you always will. Most of the time I don’t need you to protect me anymore. That time though, that time you didn’t let me down. You did what you had to. I’m grateful you did too because you and I both know he would have really hurt me or Mike or given one of us to someone who would have,” I told him.

He went silent still watching me, looking at me closely before he exhaled deeply not finding the lie in my face. The truth that I was hiding. That he could no longer protect me.

That him protecting me would just get him killed eventually and I needed him alive more than I needed him protecting me. I needed him to be there more than I needed him stopping Da. More than I needed him trying to stop…all of them.

“Ok,” he said as he nodded his head even though his expression was still serious, still stony.

“So, you believe me?” I asked feeling shocked that I had actually managed to lie to him well enough he believed it.

“You’re my little brother. If I don’t know whether you’re lying or not I need to reflex long and hard on my whole existence,” he told me cracking a small smile as he looked at me.

“Good,” I said, “Now what are we going to do about you and food?   
Because you’re not helping yourself here. You know that, right?”

I was worried about his eating. He hardly ever ate. I mean I wasn’t a big eater myself at that point but, I didn’t usually go out of my way to avoid food where I was pretty sure John often did. Just the way he felt under his clothing it seemed like he was purposefully starving himself. It was worrisome. He could barely fight against them as it was, and that was without him intentionally starving himself.

It was a health issue and I needed my brother. I needed him to…to be ok as ok as possible and starving himself wasn’t going to make that happen. Starving himself was only going to make things so much worse for him.

“I know,” he sighed heavily, “I’m trying. It’s just hard. My stomach is always hurting. If I eat I throw up because I feel sick, so I just don’t. Because it’s easier to not eat at all and not worry about throwing up every time one of them looks at me wrong then try to keep myself from throwing up all the time,” he told me.

“He ate the sandwich Alice made him for dinner and he ate some fries and skittles for Lunch,” Pat told me, “So, he’s doing better. It’s just going to take him a while. He’s not the first person I’ve seen fight this. It’s because of a lot of different things Will.”

Like I didn’t know that? Like I didn’t realize that you got so backed up sometimes just looking at food made you feel sick to your stomach? Your stomach that was already full of shit because you couldn’t shit.  
Like I didn’t realize that being constipated because someone kept shoving their dick up your ass was an issue for people and probably a big one for John who as far as I knew was getting it multiple times every day on the weekend and at least once a night besides that. Yeah, it’s a lot of different things was a huge understatement in my opinion.  
“I know it is. He has an eating disorder though. I know it’s because he feels like he can’t control anything and the way he feels in his own skin but, he can’t not eat. He’s just going to get weaker and weaker if he doesn’t eat.” I pointed out.

“I’m right here, Will. And I know. I’m aware, all right? I didn’t realize how bad it was until Vic shoved that tube down my nose but, I figured it was a problem. I’ve been trying. I really have it’s just I’m either not hungry because my skin is crawling or I’m too tired to eat. Vic is going to weigh me every day and I’m really going to try because I know I can’t do this, ok? Trust me, I know. It sucks when you can’t fight off someone you’re supposed to be able to stop,” John sighed shaking his head and clenching his fists like he was mad at himself.

He was supposed to be able to stop Leo? How could he stop Leo? He barely weighed more than I did. How was…

“John,” Pat said, “He’s bigger than we are. You know he is. I know he is.”  
Duh! I thought. He was way bigger than John. He was an adult man compared to a 13-year-old boy. Leo was around 6’1 and probably weighed 210 pounds (185cm and 95.2kg). John was probably around 5’4 and maybe 100 pounds though I was sure it was probably closer to 90 (163.8 cm 40.82kg). I wasn’t far behind him myself being almost 5’3 (160cm). How did he expect to take on someone that was almost twice his size with any success?

“No!” John said loudly shaking his head, “I should be able to and you and I both know it.”

“John,” Pat said taking John’s hands and kissing the top of them even though they were both still clenched into a fist, “No. It’s Dick he’s on the fucking football team. Do you really think you’re supposed to be able to fight him off? Especially the way you are right now?”

“Dick?” I said out loud both of them looking at me with frowns that matched mine, “Dick as in at the Villa. As in Senior? Shit. Why don’t you talk to me anymore John?”

Dick as in…but he’d been nice. He’d protected me. Helped me. Why would he help me and then hurt John? It didn’t make any sense. Like I obviously knew he was a tracker but to me, it didn’t make any sense at all.

“I do,” John said, “I just…do you tell me everything? Every time Da climbs on top of you? Every time uncle Ben comes to you at night? I know you don’t. I know you talk to someone, but I know it’s not me.”

No, it was Todd or Teddy. Or Finn. Because they could handle it. I could tell them anything and they wouldn’t feel like they weren’t protecting me.

I could tell Todd about the way that Wallace looked at me or Julian and he wouldn’t think it was his fault. I could tell Teddy about what had happened to John and he wouldn’t blame himself for not being there and not being able to stop it. I could tell Finn about Uncle Ben or Da and he wouldn’t hate himself for it and I wouldn’t have to worry about him trying to kill himself because of it. 

“Yeah because you have too much to deal with already. I know Leo doesn’t let you watch cartoons all day long when you’re over there. I know he’s doing bad things to you, John. I’m not stupid. 

I was right here when Vic talked about that thing which I’m not going to mention again, all right? You can tell me things. You don’t have to keep them locked away because maybe, just maybe that’s a part of the reason why you’re never hungry because you keep those feelings and thoughts to yourself. Because they are just floating around in your head and it makes you feel sick. Did you ever stop to think about that? That maybe that’s why I don’t tell you things?” I asked him.

“No,” he said shaking his head.

I doubted that. I felt…there were days where the last thing I wanted to do was eat. Where all I wanted to do was sleep because I was too tired and too miserable to do anything other than lay in bed and wish I was somewhere else, anywhere else. Wish that my life was different. That I didn’t have to deal with any of them. Wish that somehow a miracle had happened, and they had never found us again.

“You’re not the only one they do horrible things to. You realize that, right?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” He said nodding his head slowly, “I know. I’m sorry.”

“When it’s not Da it’s uncle Ben…it’s…,” I sighed heavily Pat looking at me giving me a small nod I wasn’t sure John noticed as I shrugged my shoulders, “Uncle Ben is almost better than Da because he hurts.”  
“I know,” John said, “I hate Da. Do you remember when you asked me why I was different? Why Da loved me more?”

I remembered that. It wasn’t that I wanted Da’s attention really it was that I wanted to understand why I didn’t matter as much. Why he let…why he was letting them hurt me. Because he had told me I supposed to let them do what they wanted. To my…my body. That I wasn’t supposed to fight back. That I had to be good and I didn’t want to do it and John he…he didn’t make John do those things. Not like that. Not all the time with other people.

It didn’t have to do with me wanting that relationship with Da but more me wondering why he didn’t want to protect me like he did John. It wasn’t that he was protecting John at all, it was that he was keeping him for himself. Once he gave John to Leo that was no longer the case and things had…things had become different.

“Yeah,” I answered quietly before taking a deep breath, “Then he started doing it to me all the time too. I worry more about everyone else then I do me. Because I know I’m not asking for it. I know I don’t like it and that it’s just my body doing what bodies do but, they’re so little still. It scares me.”

I understood that’s what was happening. I still felt guilty about it when it did happen, and handlers loved it when it happened but, I understood that my body was just doing what it was supposed to. Them, they were so little they barely understood that bodies were supposed to do that. That if someone touched them like that it was going to tingle, and tickle and their body was going to react like maybe it felt nice.

That it didn’t mean they liked what was happening it just meant they were being touched. John and I we were old enough we understood that and even then it didn’t get rid of the shame. Especially when they got excited about it. It made you want to curl up in a ball and die because you couldn’t control it no matter how hard you tried. It was something you could never stop.

“Me too,” John answered quietly as Pat rubbed his back, “How are you ok with this? With Da?”

I wasn’t. I was very far from ok with it. I hated it. I hated so many things. I kept a journal and sometimes I wrote things down and that was important. It got it out. I talked to my friends. If only everything wasn’t a big fucking lie. If only I was doing as good as everyone thought I was.  
“I’m not,” I admitted, “But, I write it down. I talk about it with people and it makes me feel better. Reminds me that it’s not my fault. You should try it sometimes. Especially when something bad is going on. Cole said I should tell you something, but you can’t be mad, ok?”

“You can tell me anything,” he said sitting up straighter, “I promise I won’t get mad.”

I could see Pat and how excited he looked. How …how anxious he was. Probably wondering what I was going to say. If I was going to tell John everything or just a little bit. But I…I felt like I couldn’t breathe suddenly, John seeing it in my face I think.

“Pat can you grab my inhaler or his. It’s the same script. I think he needs it,” John said, “Come here, Wingman. Come here.”

I could feel myself shaking. My whole body shaking. I didn’t want him to hurt himself. To be mad because he…but I couldn’t do all of it anymore. I couldn’t. I…

“Here kid,” Pat said handing me a blue inhaler where mine were usually yellow.

As I used it John climbed off the bed when I didn’t come to him and sitting on the floor with me, pulling me into his lap as I used it. As I worked on breathing. On existing on deciding what I should tell him first.

Lionel, he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t do anything about Lionel or the videos. He couldn’t do anything about all the trackers and the way they were…they were starting to treat me but, if I told him about just one maybe…maybe it would make sense. Maybe it would make me feel better. Maybe he would…I didn’t even know.

John waited in silence, waiting for me to say something after I used the inhaler, letting me sit in his lap as he held my hand as I looked at it, at us wondering if he could take it. If he would hate me for not saying anything sooner before I finally managed to speak.

“The seventh graders have senior mentors, right? There’s this one guy. He’s my mentor his name is Wallace. He keeps saying things to me he shouldn’t say. Doing things. He’s invited me over to his house. He’s…”

“Take your time,” John told me squeezing my hands, “You’re ok.”

“He asked me if he could…if he could,” I didn’t want to say that he had already…because if I did he would just get so much madder, “If he could…touch me. You know like…like Da touches me. I told him no. I did, I told him…”

“Shhh….,” John said hugging me, “It’s ok. It’s ok Wingman. Did anything else happen?”

I nodded my head. 

“I know,” I heard Pat say softly, “Will, can I say I’m so fucking proud of you right now?”

“Wait?” John said his body tensing, “You knew?”

“I…it wasn…”

“You fucking knew! How long as this been going on? How long as some asshole been feeling my little brother up and you didn’t say anything to me?” John said.

Shit. Shit, shit…

“Rabbit, listen can we talk about that later? Please? Look at him, look…” Pat trailed off John sighing heavily as he held me tighter.

“You’re right. I’m sorry, wingman, I’m sorry ok? I’m not upset with you. You did well. You told him no. I’m proud of you too, ok?”

I nodded my head. Trying not to cry. He was so mad at Pat because…

“I’m not mad at anyone,” he said like he was reading my mind, “I’m worried, ok? If this guy is hurting, you.”

“I was so scared and he…he…I don’t ever know what to do. I don’t…”

“I know,” he muttered kissing the top of my head, “I know it’s ok, wingman. You don’t have to keep it a secret anymore, ok? I’m here and you don’t have to hide anymore. I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me. We’ll figure this out ok? How long as this been going on?”

“Since school. At first, it was comments. Lots of comments. Most of the time it’s just comments. He’s tried to…he’s tried to get me to touch him. Get me to let him touch me. I don’t…I don’t like it. I don’t …”

“Ok,” he told me quietly kissing the top of my head again as he wrapped his arms around my chest and I laid back against his chest his whole body wrapped around mine as I shook and shivered.

He let me sit there in silence with him. Letting him hold me tightly like if he didn’t I was going to fly away. Something bad was going to happen. But that’s what I needed. I needed him to hold me. I needed him to be my brother. To make me feel safe. It felt good to have him hold me. To have him sit there with me and just be there. 

To be there without judgment, without words and let me know it was ok. That I hadn’t done anything wrong. That I wasn’t bad and that I’d tried. I had tried to make sure Wallace understood what I wanted, what I needed even if he hadn’t listened. Even if he didn’t care. Because someone did. Because I mattered to someone and they wanted me to be safe. To feel safe at school.

“I didn’t know what to do,” I admitted, “I mean not with anyone our age. Not like that. I made out with Cole but that was different that was…”

“17 is not our age,” Pat reminded me, “Wallace is a 5 I think. If he felt like he had permission, he wouldn’t have cared.”

“How many fives are there?” John asked, “What do you mean permission?”

“The leader has the final say in who can and cannot mess with you. If the Leader told Wallace, he could do those things nothing would stop him. No one could. There aren’t a lot of fives. I know Dick is a five and you guys are fives obviously. Wallace, I think he’s a five. Chad, a four. I’m a three, Cole’s a three. Dom’s a two most people in our charter are three’s or fours. I don’t know…I’m trying to remember if I know any other fives. Sam Winters he’s a five…. huh, I think Kris is a five but I’m not sure,” Pat told us.

“Chris, Christian or Kris Kristoff?” John asked.

“Kris Kristoff,” Pat answered.

“Wait you call him Kris Kristoff?” I asked the whole thing sounding weird.

“No, his name is Kristoff Talbot, but we call him Kris. You met him at the movies with the brown hair but really really fucking blue eyes. He’s tall; uses a lot of hair product. Cole kind of eyed him a lot,” Pat said trying to describe Kris.

Cole did like Kris. He had even told me he loved Kris the week before. I mean Cole had been high as a kite and had told me I needed to “go for it” I honestly never forgot that, him telling me when I was free I should go for it. It was just a very bold statement to me at the time.

“Who is Sam Winters?” John asked.

“I think he lives in New York now. He’s not a bad person. He’s actually a really nice guy. But, that’s why you don’t know who he is. The Brotherhood is all over in New York but it’s more diverse and most of them are fives. Here we’re just kind of around really. Not fives, not ones. Just kind of in-between,” Pat said.

“It cost more money to live in New York. We could afford it but, I don’t know. Mum likes it here stateside probably because it’s so cold back home. Here it’s not cold at all,” I said.

It was true. We could afford to live in New York. We had lived there once I just didn’t remember it. I wasn’t sure John even remembered it, but mum had talked about New York a lot while we were in Montana how if she had to live somewhere cold she would rather go home or live in New York. I was born there. I was born in New York.

“Possibly,” John agreed, “That and it’s open here. London and Dublin aren’t open.”

“Millstreet is open and she won’t go back there. That’s like family land though. I think it depresses her just talking about it,” I said as I moved to sit up.

“True,” John said loosening his grip and letting me go, “I don’t know. I know I never liked it there.”

“Well, mum always told me it was just family land. Nothing special,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“What’s family Land?” Pat asked frowning at me.

He made it sound like maybe it was some weird amusement park like Disney land. Like maybe that was what he thought by the look of confusion on his face the idea making me almost chuckle.

“We’re Irish. Our mum’s cousin owns some clan land back in Ireland. It has a castle on it. It was fun to hang out at in the summer on break sometimes,” I told him.

“Maybe for you,” John said shaking his head, “You didn’t get woken up in the middle of the night and that damn thing has drafty rooms spaced far apart. No can hear you protest so…”

What? Da did it even when we were…that was horrible. I couldn’t believe that he would make John do that.

“Really?” I asked him.

“Yeah. It is what it is,” John answered shrugging his shoulders.  
That wasn’t ok. That when we were supposed to be with mum and enjoying our school breaks Da was doing that to him still. Even after he had told mum he had stopped. When he was…when he was home at that age I thought he was abusing me so that he wouldn’t do that to John. I guess I had been wrong. Of course, I should have thought of that. It should have occurred to me way before that point but, it hadn’t.

“No,” I shook my head, “That’s not cool. I didn’t realize…”

“Yeah, well you were always his first threat. If I didn’t he would go to you so…,” John trailed off.

Of course, I was, “I understand,” I answered, “Maybe that’s why mum hated it because she knew?”

“I don’t know. I know that’s why I don’t like there. Not that it mattered. It didn’t matter if we were in Spain or Ireland or where ever. If he wanted to he did and he still does,” John said shrugging his shoulders as he looked at me.

He looked so broken. So tired. I knew he was like that for a while but, I had thought it was only with me. That after he went to treatment he was only touching me and that he was leaving everyone else alone. That included John.

I couldn’t count how many times he told me Mummy and John would be upset if they knew about our secret snuggles. Our special time. That I couldn’t say anything because John would be jealous and upset and that then he’d have to switch to John instead. Rubbing his penis between John’s legs as…so he could…

“I don’t remember him being that way out in the open when we were little,” I muttered.

“You wouldn’t,” John said shaking his head, “He was different at night. During the day he was nice. Good and happy and I don’t know. But at night…” he trailed off for a minute into silence, “When I was little I used to think he wasn’t Da but like …Da’s evil twin almost. It took me until that first time that he…to realize he was always the same person. That it was just a part of him he kept hidden from everyone but me.”

“How little were you when you’re Dad started doing that stuff?” Pat asked him.

I wasn’t sure if it was something they had ever talked about. That John had ever shared that type of stuff with Pat or what, but I remember the look on his face like he was surprised to hear the question. Like it wasn’t something they had ever discussed. It wasn’t something John and I had really talked about either. We had talked about it with Julie once but…that was it. Just the one time.

“I don’t know. Probably shortly after Uncle Ben started doing it. So, like five or six. He didn’t do anything but touch me until I was around eight though,” John answered.

“I was around eight,” I admitted, “However he used to…huh, intercrural sometimes.”

John gave me this weird look like I was speaking Russian or something. Saying something he didn’t understand Pat tapping on his shoulder before he whispered something in John’s ear, John, leaning against him before he turned around burying his face in Pat’s neck for a minute as Pat held him and he nodded his head.

“Is it weird I feel really tired?” John asked suddenly.

Probably not. It probably wasn’t. I knew I felt tired. I was in better condition than he was. Da hadn’t spent the night with me. I hadn’t missed the bus and been assaulted by someone, at least not that day. Apparently, my day to experience that was the day before.

“No,” Pat answered, “You ate some food and you’ve had a long day. So, it’s not weird you feel really tired. I’m sure you’ve been very tired all the time lately.”

He had we both had, “He has. Half the time I come in here to talk to him and he’s sleeping,” I answered, “Not that I blame you. It’s just the kids are starting to get worried about it because you’re always away, with Da or sleeping so they don’t understand.”

That was true. It seemed like if he wasn’t with Leo or Da he really was sleeping even though it seemed like lately, I was in the same place too. I was really tired all the time. It was probably the depression and anxiety, to be honest. The anxiety of seeing Wallace every other day, dealing with him and now the prospect that Julian was going to jump on that bandwagon didn’t exactly make me look forward to going to school. Especially gym or mentor hour.

“I’m hoping all I need is real sleep. It feels like I don’t sleep anymore hardly ever unless…,” He trailed off looking at Pat like Pat had the answer.

“Unless you’re with me?” Pat asked as John nodded his head.

Of course. Of course, it wasn’t that Pat had the answer it was that he WAS the answer. Why didn’t that surprise me?

“If you ate you’d feel a little more stable. It might help you actually relax enough to get real sleep. And take some sleeping pills maybe?” Pat continued.

“I don’t know,” he said, “If I was going to take a sleeping pill it wouldn’t be tonight.”

“Why?” Pat asked frowning.

Because Da wanted to fuck him. That was easy to conclude. He was home. If he was home Da wanted him. Wanted to be with him, to share a bed with him and everyone in the house knew they weren’t just sleeping. I was pretty sure by that point Alice and Debbie even knew what was happening and they just wouldn’t say anything.

He either came upstairs before they left using putting everyone to bed as an excuse to be up there or he left shortly before they came in during the morning. I’d walked in there in the early morning before to find Da’s underwear on the floor or his socks or his pants. And you could tell they belonged to him and not to John. There was no way they didn’t know. Especially not when sometimes those same boxers ended up on my floor too.

“I’m home,” John said shrugging his shoulders.

I didn’t want to. Not after Julian and Wallace, not when I had to see Wallace the next afternoon, but John looked sick and he was getting sicker. Just getting worse and worse. That’s why it had been so hard to tell him just about Wallace and not even everything else. And Da wasn’t helping. Da was making him sicker. So much sicker.

“Don’t worry John, ok?” I told him, “Just take the pill and get some sleep, all right?”

“I can’t do…”

I stopped him, interrupting him, “You took care of me. Now let me take care of you a little bit, all right”

He gave me a look like he wanted to skin me, but his eyes softened, and he sighed heavily like he knew it was an argument he wasn’t going to win, “Fine, but I don’t like it.”

“What are you two even talking about? What does you be…Oh. Rabbit, I hate to say it but he’s right. You need the rest. You need as much rest as you can get, please,” Pat said looking at him.

“Ok, fine. I think I’m going to go to sleep now though. I mean it’s nowhere near late really, but I’m that tired.” John told me.

“Ok,” I said, “I’ll tell everyone to try and keep it down. Alice has been working late lately. Staying until everyone is in bed but Mike and Matt. I’m going to go see if she needs any help,” I told him before I shut the door.

It was close to eight o’clock. I knew he’d be coming around soon. Making sure everyone was settled in. I had an idea of…of what I needed to do. If I just said that John had taken a sleeping pill it wouldn’t stop him. If I may be told him I would sleep with him instead it might work but if I did it a certain way, he wouldn’t say no.

I knew he wouldn’t say no. Just thinking about doing it gave me goosebumps, made me feel sick. But, he needed me to. John needed me to. I hated myself for it before he even came upstairs. Alice leaving shortly before he did.

I sat at the counter waiting for him after I send Mike and Matt to bed. I didn’t want to be that …but it was the only way to make sure. To keep everyone safe. I felt my whole body burning with shame as I took off my clothes before I went out and sat down using my robe so that I wasn’t sitting on the cold seat naked. 

When the left kicked on I felt like I couldn’t breathe but I knew if I said something it would get his attention. The fact that I was sitting there would get his attention. The lift doors opening made me feel dizzy, but I stayed where I was.

“Hi Da,” I managed loud enough for him to hear getting his attention.  
“What’s this?” he asked sounding amused even though I didn’t turn around to look at him.

“I don’t know,” I answered the first thing that came to mind sliding out of my mouth, “I…” I stood up going to put my robe on feeling stupid him grabbing it, snatching it away from me leaving me there was nothing.  
“Are you trying to seduce me, honey?” he asked as I turned around to look at him.

“I don’t know,” I answered again shaking my head.

“Don’t do that,” he said, “Don’t try to be bold and then play shy. You either want me or you don’t. Tell me what you want from me.”

Oh. I felt my face heating up. I knew what he wanted me to say, to do. It would work. It already had. At least if I said it. If I didn’t he would probably change his mind.

“I want you to fuck me,” I managed to somehow say without mumbling the words even though I felt my face heat up as I spit them out, my whole head flushing.

“Really? Say it, tell me what you really want,” he said rubbing himself before he dropped his pants right there in the kitchen.

“I wan...want you to cum inside me,” I barely managed above a whisper as he looked at me, as he approached me his nose nearly touching mine.  
“That’s my good boy,” he told me touching my hair before his lips slammed into mine and he lifted me up putting me back on the stool I had just hopped down from.

He was pushing against me, his body between my legs. His hands on my neck as he shoved his tongue down my throat. As he kissed hard. Really hard. I couldn’t breathe. I remember not being able to breathe my brain panicking as I tried to keep myself tried to…tried to be good.

“You want to fuck right here? Do it on the counter?” he asked me his voice low and thick like he was turned on.

My mouth went dry. No, no I didn’t want to do it at all let alone on the kitchen counter. A part of the reason why I was…was so he wouldn’t go see John. My brain scrambling for an answer he would like.

“Where ever you want,” I barely managed.

“Don’t do that, Honey,” he whispered nearly into my lips, “Look at me.”  
I had been looking down, looking at my lap our laps. I hated myself for it. For getting his attention that way. For…he picked me up. Grabbing me by the thighs and picking me up making sure we were still touching as he stepped out of his pants leaving him naked from the waist down.

“Do you want to make love?” he asked me.

I remember feeling my eyes widen as I heard the phrase. That phrase meant it was almost worse. It was slow, and they tried to…I would rather it hurt than felt good. I didn’t like making love, but I didn’t like fucking either.

I felt dirty already and he’d barely touched me. He’d kissed me, made out with me hard but, he hadn’t…telling myself I was doing it for John. Because John was too weak and too tired to deal with it again after the night before. That it was better it was me because at least my body wouldn’t break in half if he did it. 

“Honey, why’d you pretend you were good for it if you’re not? I’ll just…” he said as he went to go set me down, go get John.

“Da, please? Not him. Do it with me…do…do it to me?” I said trying to sound seductive but instead sounding clumsy, sounding uncertain.

“You want it that badly?” he asked me as he stopped putting me down instead turning around and starting to walk down the hall holding me by my thighs still. Holding my body up as I wrapped my arms around his neck.

I nodded my head. It wasn’t that I wanted to do it. It was that John couldn’t. He couldn’t do it. He was too weak and he’d…there was so much going on. So many bad things going on.

“Ok,” he said, “Open the door.”

We were already standing in front of my bedroom door. I hadn’t realized it. I reached back and opened the door him walking me to the bed and setting me down before he turned around and turned on the light shutting the door. He pulled his shirt off, so he was standing there by the door naked staring at me like he was seeing something he hadn’t seen before. He huh, he was looking at me, really closely looking at me.

“You remember the touching game?” he asked me.

Yeah, yeah, I remembered the touching game. When I was little like four maybe five he would instead of raping me he’s just…make me touch him and he’d touch me. Stimulate me with his hand until I was literally crying because it felt so weird, so intense that it almost hurt. He’d do it and tell me that it felt good that he was “helping my body”. The idea that he wanted to do that making me nervous. Making my chest feel really tight.

“Are you ok, honey?” he asked me.

I nodded my head. No, I wasn’t ok, but I couldn’t say that to him. He was my Da. If I wasn’t ok or he didn’t think I was ok he’d get mad. 

“Do you know what foreplay is?” he asked me.

Yeah, of course, I did. I was Lionel’s boy. Half of what he did was foreplay. The foreplay lasted longer than the penetration with him unless it was group stuff. More than just him. But yeah, I was well aware of what foreplay was.

“You’re a very beautiful boy,” Da said sitting down on the bed next to me, “You don’t look anything like him but, you have your own beauty. Can we do that, explore each other like that? It’s been a long time since we have. I’d enjoy it.”

I nodded my head not sure what else I could do, what else I could say. If I told him, no, if I even hinted that I didn’t want to he’d get angry. Especially if he went to go see John, to sleep with John and he didn’t wake up because of the sleeping pills.

“Lay back,” he encouraged me as he climbed onto the bed next to me.  
I laid back. The only thing I could do was what he told me. I knew that him straddling my body, so he was laying over top of me as he touched my knee.

“Move your legs,” he told me.

I folded my legs in, so I was sitting with them crossed even though I was laying back on the bed. I remember listening to myself breathe. Listening to how heavy my breathing was. I didn’t want to do this.  
“Touch me,” he said taking my arm and pulling it forward towards his crotch.

I nodded my head even though I felt like I was going to throw up as I grabbed him, grabbed his penis and started touching it, rubbing it. My first thought was it didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like Teddy’s or Beau’s it felt…it felt gross. It felt too heavy in my palm him making a moaning sound as I rubbed, as I touched.

“You’re good at that,” he whispered leaning forward starting to touch me.

It felt…His hand felt weird there. It wasn’t that they didn’t touch me there just usually not that concentrated with their hands. Not for that long. Usually, it was more so they could put their mouth there or something else.

I made a sound as he started to rub more vigorously, started rubbing slower while applying more pressure.

“Da,” I said.

“Shhh, …we’re having fun. Is it already starting to get sensitive?” He asked me.

Yeah. It was sensitive. He was massaging my balls so yeah very sensitive.

“Wha…ahh,” I managed as he started doing something weird.

“Feels good huh, Honey?” he asked me leaning forward two of his fingers starting to rub against the underside of my genitals, “You remember this? You know what I’m doing?”

It was a different feeling. Intense but like he wasn’t hitting something right on. Almost like how you sucked on a jawbreaker even though you really wanted to bite it. It was the mental equivalent of that.

I could feel what he was doing. I knew what he was stimulating, and it was right on the edge of being enough making my whole-body shake. Making that tingle very lightly shoot up my spine intense enough for me to feel but not to cease, not to help my body reach the point where it would stop.

“You like it?” he asked me as my head started feeling heavy causing me to lean back and rest my head in the pillows as I rounded my lips trying to breathe instead making this weird cooing sound like a pigeon every time I managed to breathe out.

I didn’t remember that. Remember doing that as a kid, not like he was doing. I was getting hard, erect. It was a very intense erection. I didn’t like it. I could feel it and it…I didn’t want him doing that. 

“You must like it,” he said as he stopped, “We can do something else.”

He didn’t wait for my answer getting up from the bed and unlocking the drawer. The drawer where he kept that stuff, the sex stuff. When he came upstairs he kept a key around his neck on a necklace. He got the lube out. I knew what he was going to say next before he said it. What he…

“Do you want it?” he asked me as I allowed him to grab my legs to manipulate my body so that my legs were open, spread, my knees slightly bent, “Tell me you want it.”

“I…I want it,” I managed as he leaned forward.

“You look like you want it,” he told me, “So swollen, ready. What do you want me to do first?”

Go away, I thought. I wanted him to go away. I didn’t want to have sex. It didn’t matter what…I didn’t want to have sex.

“Do you want my cock in there? Should I use my fingers a little first?” he asked me.

I don’t think he’d ever asked if I wanted his fingers first before. The question catching me off guard. Reminding me of him. Of him telling me my insides felt nice to ride his…I didn’t want that. I didn’t.

“AH!”

“Well, you didn’t answer, and I figured I could open you up first,” Da muttered as he started kissing my chest, my neck, “You like it don’t you, honey? Yeah…? It’s ok to like it. It’s ok, Honey. You’re moving like you like it.”

He muttered into my jaw and chin as he fucked me with his fingers. Pushed into me repeatedly with his fingers. It didn’t like it. I wanted him…I wanted him off me, but I was too scared and too smart to say it. I was moving my hips, my body but it wasn’t to…it wasn’t because I…because I wanted him to…to do that. It was because I wanted him to stop.

I wanted his fingers out of me. And all I could…it wasn’t Da. Suddenly it wasn’t Da and I couldn’t move and he…

“Say it, tell me what you want,” Da said even though he had his face. Lionel’s face, “Tell me you want my cock.”

“I want your cock,” I said, spitting it out without hesitation as he shoved into me.

“Yes, you do, good boy. You feel good Honey, so good. Your pussy was made for this, wasn’t it? Made for Daddy’s cock, my sweet little cock slut huh? Sweet boy,” he said as he started to...

He didn’t stop. For a long time, he didn’t stop and when he did he just turned off the light. Went to sleep. When my alarm went off he was in my shower. Getting ready to go to work. I always set my alarm for 20 minutes or so before Debbie or Alice came in. I’d barely slept. And I had to deal with Wallace.

Wallace who had been behaving himself lately sure but…if Da didn’t get out of the shower soon I wouldn’t be able to shower. Everyone would know. I’d know. I’d smell like…like that.

I waited probably 10 minutes before I decided to grab my uniform and use the nursery bathroom or the boy’s bathroom. They would all be sleeping for a little bit longer if I was quiet, so I went in through Jay’s room. It was a quick shower. Quicker than usual but it helped. When I came out Da was gone and Debbie was there.

“Will?” she asked me as she stood in the kitchen. My face heating up as I realized what she was probably seeing.

“Sorry,” I muttered grabbing up my robe and going to pick up his pants, his…

“Hold on, kid,” she said quietly, “I’ll get them ok?”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I sho…”

“No,” she insisted, “I’ll take care of it. Can you come here?”

“Did I…do something wrong?” I asked her.

“No, kiddo, you didn’t do anything wrong. I want to make sure you’re ok,” she told me.

“I’m fine,” I said shaking my head.

“That’s your bathrobe,” she pointed out.

“I know,” I answered quietly.

“Those are his pants,” she said.

“I don’t want to…”

“I’m not going to make you talk about it. I want to see if you’re as ok as you can be. That's all I’m asking you,” she told me.

“I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t…I’ll be fine,” I told her.

I think that everyone at that point could tell that I wasn’t fine. That I was very far from fine. While I was usually quiet I wasn’t necessarily belligerent and combative when people asked me questions about things but, I was starting to become that way. I felt like too many people were in my personal space all the time, so I was automatically starting to become defensive when someone asked me if I was ok because I didn’t want to confront the fact that I wasn’t.

I didn’t want to think about it. I was starting to act the same way John often acted when confronted when asked if he was ok. I was starting to isolate myself. Not just emotionally but also physically very often from everyone else because very often it felt like I couldn’t breathe if someone else was there.

“You do know that if you’re not, it’s good to tell someone?” she asked me.

“Why?” I asked her, “Why doesn’t it matter if I tell anyone? Are you going to stop it? Are you going to tell him he can’t…no one is going to stop them. So why does it matter? Leave me alone Debbie. I understand that you’re asking because you care but, you’re not helping. I have to go to school.” I said turning around putting my robe in my room before I grabbed my book bag and hit the lift button heading downstairs.

I waited for the bus a lot longer than I usually did but by the time the bus showed up I had calmed down a little. Enough to sit there with Quinn. Quinn who I knew had been getting increasingly worried about me because of different things. Quinn who just wanted me to let him know what was going on.

“Hey,” he said giving me a small smile as I sat down.

“Hi,” I answered.

“I’m not going to ask you if you’re ok. But, how was your night?” Quinn asked me.

“Not good,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

“Anything I can do?” Quinn asked.

“Remind me I’m not alone?” I asked him.

“You’re not,” He said his face falling, “You’re not alone. Ok? Not ever. I’m here and Finn and Todd and Teddy. We’ll do anything to make sure you’re not alone and that you know it ok?”

I nodded my head feeling like I was going to cry. I felt dirty. I didn’t even know why. It’s not like it was new. It’s not like he had never raped me before but, I remember feeling incredibly dirty. Like it was my fault maybe. Really and truly my fault.

I’d never “asked for it” like that before. Thrown myself at one of them naked. Had the words spill out so easily.

“Is there anything else?” he asked me, “I’m seriously worried right now. If there’s anything else you let me know, ok?”

“Keep Todd safe? Don’t let Julian near him?” I asked.

“What about you?” he asked me.

“I’ll be ok as long as he’s safe. I don’t think Julian is going to come after me again,” I muttered.

“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t need to be kept away from you. Half the stuff he does that upsets Todd so much at school is the stuff he says and not really what he does,” Quinn confessed to me, “He says nasty things to him. Like yesterday when he scored that basket. He told me what Julian said.”

Yeah, that had been stupid. Veiled but stupid. Todd had managed to score a basket just barley and Julian said you finally managed to get something in a hole easily. Todd’s face turning red as Julian laughed about it like it was funny. Like he’d said something super clever. We’d been playing a civilian team and several of the guys stopped and eyed him like they knew something was off about what he’d said. Something was sexual about it. One of them even asked Todd if he was ok.

Asked him if something was wrong. Another one told him it wasn’t cool to make fun of people. That not everyone was Michael Jordan as he gave Todd an encouraging smile. Like he really thought it was about sports. For a few minutes it had been very tense though. I was sure that some of the civs had told Father Everstein. I wasn’t sure what else had happened about it though. That was something we would probably find out later.

“It was a stupid joke,” I said.

“Yeah but you know what he was saying,” Quinn said, “One day I’m going to haul off and kick his ass.”

“I know,” I said, “And he’ll deserve it.”

“You seem really down today,” he told me.

“It’s my own fault really,” I said as the bus pulled up in front of the school and I got off the bus.

I don’t know what it was but when Finn saw my face he didn’t even say anything just opened his arms and let me walk into him.

“It’s ok,” Finn told me, “I’m here. It’s ok. Why don’t we get out of here and go talk?”

I nodded my head. He would think I was gross when I told him. If I told him. That I’d gotten naked because I knew if I was naked he wouldn’t walk away from me and go to John. John who was slowly starving himself to death. John who was so broken I wasn’t even sure how he would manage to…to just keep going.

I felt…I can’t even describe how I felt. Like I wanted to die. Actively die. Like they’d turned me into the slut I already thought I was. That I was sure everyone else thought I was and there was no going back. There was nothing I could do to take it back. To make it go away. To make it so I wasn’t disgusting anymore. I felt complete and utter disgust so strongly I was almost numb because it was all I could feel.

“What’s going on?” he asked me just as Teddy came around the corner of the building where he had probably seen us going.

“He just looks…” Finn shook his head.

“What’s going on?” Teddy asked me as he went over and sat up against the wall patting the spot of dirt beside him.

I didn’t hug him but threw my face in his lap up against his stomach. I felt him tense like maybe I was making him uncomfortable, so I went to sit up a hand going to my head as he leaned over me.

“You’re ok. I don’t mind. Are you doing ok?” he asked me.

I shook my head trying to focus on him, on the fact that it was them. That they were there, and I was ok. Even if they would hate me in a minute I wanted to pretend everything was ok for just another minute and for that minute to stretch out into forever. To never stop existing because I was sure whatever we had found, whatever was happening between the three of us was about to disappear when I told them what I had done. How nasty and gross I had been.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Finn asked me, “Either way it’s ok. I’m glad you can tell us things. That you feel like you can tell us things.”  
“John’s sick,” I muttered into Teddy’s stomach as something flashed in my head that I knew I couldn’t respond to even if I wanted to it would be something I wasn’t allowed to do. The idea of it making me feel gross. That I could ever think something like that. Have something like that run through my head when even Teddy hadn’t said it was ok.

It was a thought of him, us there. Of me lifting his shirt and kissing his stomach. Not even in an overtly sexual way but just touching and kissing his stomach that my face was against. The thought making me sit up and look at him. Making me think about how disgusted he would be with me if he knew.

“I’m sorry,” I said out loud.

“For what?” Teddy asked me frowning his eyes looking wet, “You didn’t do anything, Will. What’s going on?”

“I don’t…I’m sorry,” I repeated.

“Do you think you made John sick?” Finn asked.

“No,” I said shaking my head, “He’s sick and Da…I couldn’t. I couldn’t just…I did something.”

“Something?” Finn asked me.

“It was bad. I was bad,” I said shaking my head.

“I doubt there’s a bad bone in your body,” Teddy told me, “Please? Please don’t do this today. Don’t shut down. You need to talk. I see it.”

“What did you think you did that was bad?” Finn asked me.

“I knew John couldn’t do it. I knew he couldn’t do it. He would have walked by without even looking at me if I wouldn’t have…it was stupid though. It feels so stupid,” I muttered.

“Ok, ok Shhh…,” Teddy said, “It’s ok.”

“It’s not ok, it’s not…I did something bad. Really bad,” I said again.

I saw the look Teddy was giving Finn even though Finn was behind me as I started rocking. I was disgusting. They were going to hate me in a second. I knew they were going to hate me.

“I waited for him. Naked and he…he liked it. He ma….” I started sniffling. God they were going to think I was so sick. That I was just as nasty and disgusting as those videos made me seem that I was…

“Hey, hey Anchor boy, look at me,” Teddy said neither him nor Finn touching me, “Look at me, please? You didn’t do anything wrong. You said John’s sick right? How sick is sick?”

“He doesn’t eat. He never eats. He…it’s bad. He’s so tired and so sick all the time and he never eats and I …he couldn’t do it and I…he sounded like him, but he looked like…he didn’t look like him. He was someone else. He was Daddy L and the cameras and I …I said stuff. Bad stuff like the…”

“Camera stuff?” Teddy asked, and I nodded my head, “When you get anxious your brain shuts down and you spit out whatever shit you’ve been programmed to. I do it all the time. You’ve seen me do it. Do you think that makes me bad or disgusting?”

No. He was Teddy he was amazing. He was funny and nice and good. He always knew the right thing to say and he was so smart that I…I couldn’t even imagine how he managed to do it. How his brain never seemed like it was falling apart like I felt my brain was falling apart. Like everything about me was falling apart.

“No,” I managed.

“Then how are you when you’re doing the same thing?” Teddy said, “How does that make any sense at all?”

“It doesn’t,” I answered, “Nothing makes sense anymore. Never.”

“What about us and how much we care about you? Doesn’t that make sense?” Finn asked behind me.

“NO,” I said shaking my head the volume of my own object making me jump, “I don’t understand why you…why you like me. Not when I’m like this. Not when I…”

“You’re not like this all the time,” Finn said his voice calm, “Sure you have bad days but we all do, stone, ok? It’s just a bad day. That doesn’t change who you are. It doesn’t change how much you matter. So, you might have flirted, or enticed or whatever you want to call it to save John but if anything, that makes you brave, not bad.”

“Finn’s right,” Teddy agreed, “You’re not bad. If anything, you’re one of the best, most well-intentioned people I know. Nothing about you is bad. Not a single cell in your body. You’re having a bad day. That’s all. What do you need us to do? How can we help?”

“I don’t…I don’t…I’m…I don’t…”

“Ok, come here,” Teddy said pulling me back into his lap, “You’re not bad. You’re so nice Will and thoughtful. You’ve never been bad. Not even a little bit.”

“He’s right,” Finn said laying down so that he was up against me as I laid in Teddy’s lap hugging me, up against my back, “It’s not possible for you to be bad. Anyone who thinks that is stupid and they don’t know you.”  
“How is protecting your brother bad?” Teddy asked me as he ran his hands through my hair, “I protect mine all the time. Sometimes that means I do…I must do stuff like that. Like Finn said that makes you brave, not bad. That you love him that much, it’s not a bad thing. That’s special. That means you love them, and you’ll do anything for them. That’s not bad.”

“I’m not bad?” I asked more myself than them.

“That’s right. You’re not bad. You’re my rock. You’re strong and amazing in so many ways. You have no idea. That’s why we care about you because of who you are in here, ok?” Finn said touching my chest. “It has nothing to do with them or the horrible decisions they force you to make it has to do with who you are. That’s why you’re special to us. Not because of them. But because of you.”

“Because of me?” I asked.

“Yes,” Teddy agreed, “Because of you. We’d still like you even if you were Civ. Because you’d still be you. You’re a good person, Will. I swear you are.”

The bell rang. I didn’t want to get up, but I knew we had to. It was time to go to. We all had class. Teddy and I had Cadrick while Finn had Father Weyburn. I felt stupid still. Maybe not like they would hate me but, stupid for…just everything.

“I’m going to head inside,” Finn said before he kissed me on the cheek, “You’re not bad. I swear you’re not bad. I’ll be there ok? He’ll leave you alone today, I promise. See you at lunch Teddy.” Finn said before he kissed him on the cheek too getting up and walking towards the building.

“He kissed you,” I said.

“And he kissed you,” Teddy pointed out smiling.

“Mhm,” I said closing my eyes and breathing deeply.

“Did that bother you?” Teddy asked me.

“No,” I shook my head, “I liked it. It wasn’t bad. John kisses me like that sometimes. I mean it’s a little different but…it’s nice.”

“You really thought that doing what you did made you bad?” he asked me.

“I was afraid you’d hate me,” I told him.

“You know he makes me say weird stuff,” Teddy said, “After a while, it just pops out. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing. You hear their voice and you just…it’s a switch almost. I hate it.”

I sat up. He looked like he hated it. Like he wanted to cry just thinking about it. Thinking about the horrible things that they made him, us say.  
“It’s not the first time,” I said quietly, “Just the first time I took off my clothes before anyone asked.”

“Eventually you’ll get used to it. You get scared and sometimes it just slips out. You can’t help it. Someone will look at you like that, and you’ll automatically go to ask them if they want to fuck, go for the buttons on your shirt…go to make them happy before they get angry because you’re not doing what you’re supposed to. It doesn’t matter who. And then you realize what you’re about to do and you feel stupid. After a while you learn how to…how to slow it down so it’s not automatic but it’s hard. I still do it. You know I do it,” Teddy told me.

“Do you do it all the time?” I asked him sitting there numbly.

“Usually when I feel really upset. When I’ve had a bad day is when it happens most of the time. When there’s a camera. That’s why I’m so good at it when the camera is there. Just…I don’t like it. But if I…if I don’t…”

“It’s ok,” I said taking my turn to comfort him, “I understand. God, I’m sorry Teddy. I didn’t mean to make it bad for you.”

“No, don’t do that. Don’t do that, you’re my Anchor ok? You didn’t make it bad. You’re not bad, you didn’t do anything bad,” Teddy assured me was we both stood up him hugging me tightly as I held him close, “We’re ok. Ok?”

I nodded my head. Having him close I felt ok. Better. If he was there I would be ok, it would be better if it was both of them but, I could do it with just one. I didn’t want to but, I could. Teddy held out his hand and I took it him kissing the back of mine as he smiled at me, “Well do this together today, ok? I get it, I do, and it doesn’t make you bad, or stupid, or dirty. It’s just a thing. That’s all it is. It takes a long time to work out how to control it. I’ll try and help though, ok?”

“Ok,” I whispered nodding my head as he kissed the back of my hand again.

We walked to class together like that. Holding hands even though people could obviously see that was something we were doing. I knew people were going to stare and talk about it but, at least it wasn’t them staring at me because of those fucking videos. At least he wasn’t them talking about me because of…because of …because they had seen me having sex with some guy or a group of guys, or whatever.

I remember thinking that even though my face felt warm whenever I thought someone was looking in our direction. Watching us. Like maybe it was the worse thing I had ever done instead of the videos. Because this everyone could see even the Civ’s. Where the videos…only certain people could see that.

Somehow, I managed to keep holding his hand though. Squeezing it tighter whenever I got nervous and him looking over in response and squeezing back, letting me know he was there. Letting me know I wasn’t alone.

At least it was just holding hands. Just holding hands and it wasn’t with just anyone, so they would get in trouble it was with Teddy. Lionel would be annoyed but he wouldn’t hurt Teddy. He wouldn’t hurt anyone over it. Especially not after Friday if I was good. If I did whatever it was he wanted. That was something that was apparently getting easier for me to do. So yeah…

I don’t remember what happened in class other than Julian was there. I could feel him watching my back. Teddy letting go of my hand even though he kept his knee touching mine. That way I knew he was there. That it was ok because he was there, and I wasn’t alone. Quinn sitting on my other side. We did ok. I did ok until the bell rang.

Then I wondered what would happen if…if Wallace. All I could think about was, what if I did that to Wallace? I’d done it to my Da twice pretty much. My brain shutting down and those things coming out of my mouth as easy as they did. It was hard to believe that I didn’t want…I didn’t want it happening.

What if I did that and he…because just like Da he wouldn’t stop? And then Lionel would hate me. He’d tell Lionel that I asked for it. That it was my fault, that I …then what would happen? 

I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I couldn’t do that. I knew I couldn’t…how did I make sure it didn’t happen? That I didn’t do that? How did I make sure I didn’t do that? I didn’t…

The bell rang, and I felt Teddy move before he looked at me sitting back down, “Are you…what do you need?” he asked me.

“I don’t…”

“Ok, all right come on,” he said grabbing my hand.

I remember tearing up so much that I couldn’t even see, his hand the only thing that was guiding me through the hallway into a bathroom. He didn’t wait for the door to shut really or to make sure anyone was in there but pulled him into his arms, “I’m right here. I’m right here.”

“Wha…what…” I managed before I let out a tiny whimpered.

“Let it go,” Teddy said, “I’m right here. You’re safe. You can let it go it’s ok.”

“What if he…what…what if I do it to him too? What if he …I can’t…I can’t…”

“Shhh….,” Teddy said touching my hair, my neck and shoulders, “Shhh…. it’s ok. You’ll be ok. Finn’s going to be there and he’s going to try his best to make sure you’re not alone with him. Ok? He’s not going to let him get you alone. We’re going to try and make sure that doesn’t happen. I promise, ok?”

“I can’t do it, I can’t I…”

“Ok. We’ll stay here for as long as you need to, ok?” he told me.

He sat down holding me, waiting for me to calm down. Not even really saying anything but just holding me. Making sure I felt safe and sitting there with me without judging me. 

“Last week Da was with me. He asked me how I wanted him and before I could even stop to think about it I said inside. He pushed into me and…I tried to tell him to wait, that I didn’t mean it but, he just told me I was being a tease. What if Wallace goes to touch me or he says something and I…” I trailed off Teddy giving me his hand, letting me play with his hand.

“And you say something like that?” He asked me causing me to nod my head, “Well, sometimes even I say things that…weird things that don’t make sense. They just come out. Sort of like how I wanted to kiss you Monday. I think if it did happen Papa would understand if you explained it to him. That your anxiety got high and so you slipped into filming phase. That’s what I call it, filming phase. That you just wanted it to stop, that you wanted everything to stop so you just …your brain tried to give him what he wanted.” Teddy told me.

“That is the easiest way to get them to stop, isn’t it?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Teddy agreed nodding his head, “Always.”

“I just didn’t want him to go to John. He’s too sick. I only wanted to make sure he’d be safe and instead, I…he was in my shower when I woke up. I had to go shower in one of the other bathrooms and I just…” I trailed off.

“I’m sorry,” Teddy told me, “I’m so sorry. I know I’m picky about being able to use my own bathroom. Do you think that has something to do with how you’re feeling maybe? Because you couldn’t use your own bathroom?”

“I could have but he would have just…when he’s around he never…he has this way of looking at you. You can feel him. His hands. I don’t like feeling them,” I said.

“I don’t think anyone does, Anchor,” Teddy said, “You don’t deserve this. I’m sorry.”

“Do you think he would really understand? If I said something like that on accident, do you think that he’d hate me for it?” I asked scared of his answer.

“I can’t tell you that. I honestly don’t know. The one time I slipped when I was his boy it was with my swim coach I used to see. I can’t remember what I did or what he said but I took off my speedo and I…when he heard about it the worst thing he did was make me shoot something right there. I was 9. I mean I didn’t want a video. I never do,” Teddy told me.

“Just a video?” I asked feeling numb.

“It was…shit,” Teddy said, “It was a hurt core. I don’t think he fisted me but he I remember feeling a lot of pressure. It could have been a toy that was too big or something. He tied me down. It didn’t feel good. It usually doesn’t though. Has he made you do any like that besides the one?”

“You mean the gang bang with Sergei and Stein?” I asked Teddy nodding his head, “No. That’s the only one like that so far.”

“OK,” he said as the other bell rang telling us we only have five minutes to get to class, “We should get up. Finn’s going to expect you to be there. He’ll get super worried if you’re not.”

“He’s already super worried,” I said, “I could tell. Couldn’t you?”

“Yeah,” he said smiling at the wall and nodding his head as he ran his hand through my hair, “He’ll just get more worried if you’re not there. Come looking for you.”

“Did you mean what you said on the phone?” I asked him quietly.

“I can’t remember. Last night was tiring,” he admitted to me.

“You almost said that he loves me,” I reminded him, “Do you really think so?”

“He told me he does,” Teddy said, “That if you weren’t his he’d want to…spend time with you. Only if you wanted to.”

“You mean sex?” I asked.

“He didn’t say that. He said time together. I mean that’s where my mind went too, but he also said he wanted to spend time with me. So, I’m assuming that either he wants to bang both of us or he means like just hanging out. You know Papa. He doesn’t want us hanging out with anyone pretty much. Sexual or not,” Teddy told me.

“We’re so fucked up,” I muttered shaking my head as I stood up, “Someone says they want to hang out and we automatically think they want to have sex.”

“He didn’t say he didn’t want to have sex. He just didn’t say he did either,” Teddy said shrugging his shoulders, “I mean I know I like hanging out with you. And we …oh.”

“It’s different though,” I muttered feeling my face get warm. I looked at him. At his face, his lips. He was so handsome. So…everything about him seemed just right and wanted to…so many things my heart hammering in my chest as he looked at me too, watched me.

“Yeah,” he agreed, “I still care about you. A lot.”

“I do too…I just…,” I shrugged my shoulders.

I wanted to kiss him. I did but, everything was already so fucked up. I knew it too. There wasn’t any way to deny it. That everything was all kinds of fucked up and we were just stuck in it.

“We’re going to be late,” Teddy said before clearing his throat and giving me a smile, “We should both get to class. If you’re ready.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready again,” I said as the last bell rang, “Here goes nothing?”

“Yeah,” he agreed nodding his head as we both stepped back out into the hallway.

I headed upstairs instead of going around to the front entrance like I was supposed to. It was a quicker way to get to where I needed to be going down the stairs and signing into class late hoping no one would notice keeping my eye out for Finn. Hoping he or Todd spotted me before…

“What are you doing? Where have you been?” I heard him before I felt his hand on my shoulder.

“I was late,” I answer feeling like I couldn’t breathe, afraid of what I was going to say next.

“Come here,” he said grabbing my forearm and hard, really hard the squeeze hurting the bone on my uncasted unbroken wrist as he pulled me into a room, the library catalog room that was next to the Microfilm room. That room, where he had, “You were late.”

“I…I just said that,” I notified him as I tried to stay calm. Tried to not freak out.

“I need to talk to you,” he announced looking at me, “Can you sit down?”  
Could I? Yeah, sure. Did I want to? No, no I was not sitting in a chair in that room with just him. That was the last place I wanted to be.

“Sit down,” he told me emphasizing the words by pausing in-between them.

I shook my head. I didn’t have to listen to him. He wasn’t my contract holder and he wasn’t my handler. I didn’t have to listen to him.

“You fucking little slut,” he said grabbing me hard by the back of the neck and almost slamming my face into the table top, “You got me into trouble. Do you think you can ignore me now? After all the shit you’ve caused me?”

“I got you in trouble?” I somehow managed to ask feeling brave, “And how is that?”

“Wagging your little slutty ass around. Getting me hot, offering it to me and then going off and telling on me? On us! You’re lucky your fucking stunt didn’t get me into worse trouble! If it had what I’m about to do would be the least of your problems,” he spat.

What he was about to do? What he was…shit, shit. No, no, no…

“NO! NO! Don’t! I’ll scream. I’ll…” I managed as he smacked his hand over my mouth and then wrapped it around my face squeezing.

“You won’t scream because you’re not an idiot. You’re actually very smart. You’re going to listen and listen closely.

I have seen all your fucking videos and I can give it to you better than any one of those assholes can, so I don’t understand what your problem is. Why you had to go and complain when I didn’t even go inside. Because of your stunt, I was this close to getting you taken away and I know you want me.

I’ve seen the way you look at me. And don’t fucking lie. You want me to fuck your sweet little cunt. I can tell, so you need to stop. 

You need to accept that you’re mine. Next time we nearly fuck you’re going to keep it to yourself if that means I must break the rules and swallow every drop to make sure you don’t say a word that’s what’s going to happen. And you seem to honestly be mortified by the prospect of that even on film. So, you need to think very carefully about the next time you decide to open your mouth otherwise I will take my belt and I won’t just beat your ass, I’ll blacken it. Do you understand?” he hissed at me.

“I’m sorry,” I muffled into his hand my whole body shaking.

The way he had me pinned was uncomfortable. He had his hand over my mouth, but he also had my casted hand pinned behind my back and his knee up against the edge of the table between my legs. He was on top of me and I couldn’t do anything. I could barely move, barley breathe.

“Good. I’m going to do what I want with you and if we don’t get caught or make a mess like we did before you’re not going to say anything to anyone. Do you understand?” he whispered in my ear before biting my earlobe.

No, no, no, not again. Please god not again. Not again. Not again. No. I remember not being able to breathe. There wasn’t anything I could do to stop him. To stop it from happening. He finally let go of my mouth his hand moving to the back of my neck again squeezing as he hissed the words at me again.

“Do you understand?”

“Whatever you want,” I said my voice sounding off, monotone. I closed my eyes wanting it all to disappear. Wanting it to just be over. Wanting whatever he was going to do to just be done with.

“Yeah?” he asked sounding excited.

I wanted him to…to stop. I wanted everything to stop. I knew what was…And it felt so off, so far away my head feeling dizzy almost as he managed to get one of his hands under me, going to undo my belt. The door of the room suddenly opening.

“What the actual fuck?!” I heard a voice I recognized. Safe. A safe voice.  
“Dude, you can’t do that in school anymore,” I heard C-Dan mutter, “Nice but…you know how stupid…”

“Ich kann dir verdammt noch mal nicht glauben! Bist du verdammt ernst? Er ist 11 Jahre alt, Wal. Du musst ihn in Ruhe lassen! Sieht das nach jemandem aus, der will, dass Ihre Hand in der Hose liegt? Er ist ein Durcheinander! Vater hat dir gesagt, dass du ihn das letzte Mal in der Schule alleine lassen solltest. Lass ihn in Ruhe! Mach es einfach! Lass ihn einfach in Ruhe!” (I cannot fucking believe you! Are you fucking serious? He is 11 years old, Wal. You must leave him alone! Does that look like someone who wants your hand down his pants? He is a mess! Father told you to leave him alone at school the last time. Leave him in peace! Just do it! Just leave him alone!)

“He told me whatever I want. What does that sound like to you?” Wallace said.

“I don’t fucking care what it sounds like!” Finn said, “Get off him! NOW!”

“Shut up you’re going to draw attention,” Wallace said.

“Damn right I am. Now let him go,” Finn said.

Wallace made a sound like he was annoyed still holding me. I just wanted him to stop. Anything, I would have given him anything to make him stop. The weight on my back suddenly disappearing.

“God you’re shaking,” Finn whispered in my ear as I felt a different sort of weight replace the heavier one, his smell. Finn’s smell, “You’re safe. It’s ok. You’re safe.”

“Oh, Jesus,” Wallace hissed, “Sie fühlen sich auch von ihm angezogen? Er gehört mir, verdammt noch mal (You also feel attracted to him? He's mine, damn it.)

“He’s not a fucking dog!” Finn yelled, “Come on. It’s ok. You’re ok.”

Finn pulled me up gently wrapping his arm around my waist because I was still limp. Because I couldn’t move. I couldn’t even open my eyes because I was…I was too scared to know what was going on around me. What they were doing even though I let Finn lead me to the door before I heard the handle rattle, the door knob. The sound causing me to open my eyes.

“Why is the door locked?” Finn asked his voice sounding not nearly as calm or brave as it had moments before, “Sag ihm, er soll die Tür aufschließen,” (tell him to unlock the door.)

“I didn’t realize you did that,” Wallace said ignoring Finn and looking at C-Dan he shrugged his shoulders.

“You got away with it. I wanted to see how far I can take it. Are you going to tell on me?” C-Dan asked.

“You know I won’t,” Wallace said nodding his head as C-Dan smiled.

“Come here pretty girl,” C-Dan said walking up to us, Finn holding me tighter. Not letting me go.

“I won’t,” Finn said shaking his head, “I won’t.”

“Oh, come on it’s just for fun. It’s not even anything real. I’m just copping a feel. Checking the merchandise. How good is he?”

“He’s good enough. He gets the job done,” Wallace said, “You know me I’m not interested in him really.”

“You can’t make me. Wallace, du musst ihn aufhalten. Vater wird so sauer auf dich sein, wenn du ihn nicht aufhältst,” (Wallace, you have to stop him. Father will be so mad at you if you do not stop him.) Finn said even though I could feel how stiff his body was, how scared he was.  
“It’s ok Finny,” I whispered in his ear, “It’s ok. I’ll be good. I’ll be good I promise.”

“Will, no, no,” Finn said shaking his head as I went to go push him away as he held me tightly.

“I’ll be good I promise,” I said louder.

“You will?” Wallace asked sounding thrilled by the idea.

“Just be nice. I’ll be good,” I repeated.

“Will no!” Finn repeated, “NO!”

“Show us how good you can be,” C-Dan said smiling.

His teeth looked sharp. Sharp teeth. Like he thought it was funny. He thought it was really funny.

“Come here baby,” Wallace said holding his arms open.

“Will don’t do it,” Finn whispered squeezing my hand, “He will hurt you. You know he’ll hurt you and it won’t stop C-Dan from hurting me so don’t do it. Think about what you’re doing. I know that’s why you’re saying what you’re saying but it’s not going to help. It’s not going to help. I know you just want it over with, but it won’t help. Please don’t do this. Please I love you. Don’t do this…don’t…”

He loved me? He loved me?

“Tu m'aimes?” I asked somewhat loudly.

“That’s what I said,” Finn said, “You believe me, don’t you?”

“Come here baby,” Wallace repeated.

I believed him. I wasn’t sure that his love could save me though. Save us. They were going to do something bad, so we might as well just get it over with. Let it happen. There wasn’t any way to fight it. Not without making things so much worse.

“Come here,” C-Dan said grabbing Finn by the back of the neck digging his finger nails into the skin in order to get Finn to let go of me, “You’re good I won’t hurt much.”

“What are you going to do to him?” I asked.

“You worry about you,” C-Dan said as Finn quit holding me as tightly using one of his hands to try and pry C-Dan’s fingers off the back of his neck as I felt like I was punched in the stomach and then pulled away.  
He had gripped me so hard to felt like being punched in the stomach and then he had lifted me pulling me away from him pulling me to the far side of the room away from the door. I blinked and somehow, we were on the ground. He was on top of me.

“You have no idea how beautiful you are, do you?” he asked me as he looked at me, like that. Like he…It hurt, and I couldn’t breathe. He wasn’t physically digging into me to keep me down but, I couldn’t breathe and his hands…his hands were under my shirt and my undershirt. Against my skin. I felt hot and my chest was…my lower torso felt tight. Tight in a bad way. I was panting and coughing, and I couldn’t…I couldn’t…

I could hear Finn. Begging. Begging C-Dan to stop. To stop doing whatever it was he was doing to him. I wanted to Beg Wallace to stop C-Dan too, but I couldn’t speak, I could barely breathe. His mouth suddenly on my stomach under my shirt, under my under shirt. The feeling of his mouth against my skin making it worse making things feel so much worse.

“Dude, can you shut him up? He sounds like a dying animal,” C-Dan muttered seeming annoyed.

“Baby, do you need your inhaler?” Wallace asked me as I nodded my head Wallace’s hands going somewhere else, to my blazer before he pulled my inhaler out of my left blazer pocket. He allowed me to sit up and rubbed my back as I used it. As my chest started to loosen.

“Are you ok now?” he asked me.

Was ok I ok now as in I wanted him to continue molesting me? No. I didn’t want him touching me. I didn’t want him anywhere near me.  
“Can you be sweet for me? Like you do for the cameras?” he asked me like he always asked me.

I didn’t want to do it like I did for the cameras. The cameras made me feel gross. Made me hate myself. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to say those things.

“Come on baby,” he said, “Tell me what you want just like in the movies,” he repeated pushing me down again, pushing me flat on my back his hands going back to my stomach, going to undo my belt, “Well me what you want.”

“I want…I…I want you to fuck me,” I answered barely able to keep my voice steady, to keep myself from crying.

“Yeah?” he asked me undoing my belt and going for the button on my trousers, “What do you call me?”

No, no. I wasn’t going to say that. I wouldn’t.

“STOP STOP STOP!” Finn said loudly my head snapping in that direction even though there was a shelf in the way, so I couldn’t see him. Couldn’t see what was happening even as I wondered why no one was looking for us, why no one was coming to help us.

“Stop him,” I managed.

“Why? He’s…”

“Stop him! I’ll do whatever you want just stop him, please?” I begged.  
“You promise? Whatever I want?” he asked seeming excited about it.  
“Yes Daddy, whatever you want,” I agreed feeling my face turn red as I said the words reminding myself that it was worth it. That he loved me, so it was worth it.

“Ok,” he said leaning down and kissing my cheek, “I’ll be right back. C-Dan that’s enough!” he called before he got up walking away.

I didn’t feel any better about any of it. The fact that Finn wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore the only thing keeping me calm, keeping me from losing my shit. I didn’t want to…I didn’t. I didn’t even know what he was going to do.

Was he going to rape me? Finally? I knew that’s what he wanted. He made sure I knew. The things he said to me. Especially when we were alone and no one else was in ear shot. He told me a lot of nasty stuff. Like how he wondered what I tasted like, what my…what my cum tasted like. How he wanted to know if I felt good in there. Things like that. He said something like that at least once a day when I saw him. He was gross, and he made me feel gross.

“DUDE! You know how fucking close I was?” C-Dan hissed.

“I thought you were wanted to mess around I didn’t realize you were going for that,” I heard Wallace say even though he sounded eerily calm about the whole thing, “My dad would be pissed I let him go home with a bleeding asshole because my friend wanted some. Sticking it in is way different then what I told you I did.”

“Not really,” C-Dan muttered.

“Yeah! Really! Now maybe you need to go for a walk? Get your pants back up and take off.” Wallace said.

“What are you going to stand here and fucking watch me?” C-Dan asked sounding annoyed.

“To make sure you really leave? Yeah,” Wallace said, “I think you need to go walk it off. Maybe go to the bathroom and beat one out?”

“Fine I’m going,” C-Dan said as he stood up, “Lock the door unless you’re done. And make sure you stay clean. You don’t want it to be like what happened last time. You barely managed to skate on that so make sure you keep it clean.”

“Yeah, I know,” Wallace said as C-Dan opened the door and then shut it Wallace locking it back up behind him.

Finn didn’t even get up from the floor but crawled to me on the ground pulling me into his arms as he pulled my shirts down covering my stomach before he touched my stomach over my clothing, “You’re ok. We’re ok. We’re ok…”

He was breathing heavy, panting. His pants barely on. He’d tried to rape him. He’d tried to rape Finn. He’d…

“Get off him,” Wallace said to Finn.

“He’s mine,” I said shaking my head.

“You don’t want to try that. You said anything I wanted and you’re going to give me what I want,” Wallace warned me.

“You do it I’ll tell fucking Ted,” Finn warned him in English holding me even closer, “I will.”

“Glaubst du, dass mich das interessiert? Glaubst du, du kannst mir damit drohen?”, Wallace asked Finn suddenly switching to German. (Do you think that interests me? Do you think you can threaten me with that?)  
“Ich kann und ich bin. Sie machen ihn wütend, auch wenn er der Meinung ist, Sie hätten Scheiße Gold, sind Sie nicht sicher. Er teilt seine Jungs nur dann, wenn er will, und das wissen Sie so gut wie jeder. Sie möchten, dass Ihre Bälle in einem Glas aufbewahrt werden. Gehen Sie voran und stecken Sie Ihren Schwanz in ihn und sehen Sie, was passiert, wenn ich Teddy erzähle, was ich gesehen habe und Teddy dem Anführer erzählt.” Finn said shaking his head at him angrily as he held me even closer making me rest my head on his shoulder like he was somehow protecting me from the anger of his words, words that I really didn’t understand. (I can and I am. You make him mad, even if he thinks you shit gold, you're not safe. He only shares his boys when he wants, and you know that as well as anyone. You want your balls kept in a jar. Go ahead and put your cock in him and see what happens when I tell Teddy what I saw, and Teddy tells the leader.)

“Ich werde es dem verdammten Vater erzählen.” Wallace shot back. (I'll tell fucking dad.)

“Gut, mach weiter. Du willst mich später in den Arsch ficken, dann wird er dich wohl lassen. Aber am Ende wird er mir dafür danken, dass er Sie fruchtbar gehalten hat. Also, fick es und schau, auf welcher Seite es ist.” Finn said as Wallace made a sound of frustration. (Fine, Go ahead. You want to fuck me in the ass later he'll probably let you. But in the end, he will thank me for keeping you fertile. So, fuck it, tell him and see whose side he’s on.)

“You fucking…argh!” Wallace said before he unlocked the door and opened it barely making sure it was shut as he stomped off.

“What did you say to him?” I asked.

“You really want to know?” Finn questioned as he started fixing his clothes.

“You mentioned Hitler so yeah,” I pointed out.

He laughed, “What?” he barely managed to ask.

“Anführer? Isn’t that what they called Hitler?” I asked as I started fixing my own clothing.

His face fell, “Huh, no. That doesn’t mean Hitler. Can you finish getting dressed before I do tell you what it means?”

“What’s wrong?” I asked feeling sick to my stomach from the look on his face, “What does it mean?”

“Come on, Stone. Fix your clothes and then I’ll tell you ok?” he asked me and nodded my head fixing my layers making sure everything was back in place as I looked at him.

“Well, what does it mean?” I asked him.

“It’s German. Hitler was the Leader of Germany. Or the Anführer. It means…”

“Him,” I said, “What about him?”

“He’d be mad,” Finn said, “You know it’s true. He would be mad. I’m sorry, ok? Are you mad at me?”

I shook my head. Of course. That was the only thing that made him stop. Bringing up how upset Lionel would be if he found out. How pissed he’d be that Wallace had done that. Not just at Wallace but at me. How he’d…

“You’re ok, Stone, Stone, you’re ok,” Finn was saying quietly even though he looked panicked. He had moved. Instead of sitting next to me he was in front of me on his knees leaning forward like he wanted to touch me, but he was…we’d both moved. I was under the table and I felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room, “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, you’re safe though. No one is here but me, everything is going to be ok. No one here wants to hurt you. It’s just me and you and no one else and everything is ok. Everything is…”

“Wh…what happened?” I managed.

“I don’t know,” he told me, “I don’t know what I said or did, so I would just rather…are you ok?”

I nodded my head. I didn’t feel ok. I didn’t know how to explain it though. How to make sense of anything. How to…

“What can I do? What do you need me to do?” He asked me.

“What did I do? Can you tell me what I did?” I asked him.

“You went quiet and then your eyes went big and you started talking to someone that wasn’t here. Saying that you would do anything if I didn’t hurt anyone, and you started crying and shaking and you crawled under the table. You don’t remember any of that?” he asked me.

“No,” I said.

“Do you…it was him? Because I mentioned him?” He asked me.

“I don’t know,” I said shaking my head. 

“Ok, you’re rocking again. Can I do anything? Can I…” I threw myself at him, “Ok, you’re ok. He held me putting his hands gently on my shoulders, “You’re ok. It’s just you and me. No one else is here. I promise. I’ll keep you save, ok?” I’ll keep you safe.”

I didn’t feel safe. Nothing felt safe. If he…if he found out. He couldn’t ever know. He couldn’t know. Finn couldn’t ever tell him.

“You can’t tell him. You can’t tell him you can’t tell Teddy. He’ll hate me,” I said.

“Ok,” he assured me nodding his head against my neck, “I won’t tell anyone, I swear. Ok? You mean what just happened in here with them, right? I won’t tell anyone. I promise. Not ever ok? It’ll stay between us.”  
“Good because if you tell, if you say anything to Teddy and he says something to him He’ll hate me. He does bad things Finn, really bad things. Like you…”

“Shh…you’re getting yourself worked up,” he told me using a calming voice trying to sooth me, “I won’t tell Teddy anything ok?”

“You promise Finny? You swear?” I asked him.

“I swear,” he said giving me a smile.

“What?” I asked him.

“I think I like it,” he told me.

“Like what?”

I was completely clueless. I hadn’t realized I’d even done it.

“You called me Finny,” he pointed out his cheeks flushing slightly, “I like it. It’ll be private though, ok?”

“Oh, sor…”

“You don’t have to be sorry. I like it, really,” he tried to assure me, “Just keep it private. Like I do when I call you stone?”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head as he kissed the back of my hand helping me up, “Are you decent?”

“Yes, you?” I asked as I checked him before looking at myself.

“Mhm,” he told me nodding his head, “let’s go.”

Just then the bell rang. The bell that told us it was lunch time. That it’d be safe to leave. Finn didn’t look ok. He looked off.

“Are you ok?” I asked him.

“I’m fine. I just…that’s never…never happened before. Not like that. Not a tracker I just…” he made a small hiccupping sound like he was trying to keep himself from crying as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“You’re safe. It’s over,” I told him, “You kept me safe and I…I tried…”

“You helped,” he told me pulling me close burying his head in my neck, “I heard you. You helped. I know you did.”

“How did you hear me?” I asked him.

“I don’t even know. But, I did. You told him to make C-Dan stop. That you would give him whatever he wanted if he made him stop. I heard you say that. And I know how scary he is. How hard that was. But you were…” A tear fell down his cheek.

“You love me,” I said as he sniffled, “How could I not try and do whatever I could if you love me?”

“You know we’re fucked, right?” he asked me, “Anyone ever finds out we’re…”

“Teddy knows,” I said quietly.

“Yeah, I know,” Finn said, “Manchmal ist drei besser als zwei.”

“What does that mean?” I asked him.

He gave me a small smile, a shy smile, “Sometimes three is better than two.”

“Is that your way of telling me you have a thing for Teddy too?” I asked him.

He bit his bottom lip as his smile widened and he nodded his head shyly, “You don’t hate it?”

“No,” I answered shaking my head, “I’m not sure about it though. And I am his boy. It’s not like I have a choice. I can’t do anything about it right now. Is that why you kissed Teddy this morning though? Because you like him too?”

“Yeah,” he said, “I don’t kiss all my friends. Not like Teddy does.”

“He doesn’t kiss all of his friends. He only does that when he gets nervous,” I pointed out.

“What about you? Do I make you nervous?” he asked me playfully giving me this look. This look that Beau used to give me that made my center feel warm and fluttery. That made me want to kiss him.

“We can’t,” I told him.

“Sorry,” he said laughing a little bit as he backed up, “Are you ready to go to lunch?”

“Yeah,” I agreed nodding my head, “Do you think he’s out there still?”  
“Wallace?” he asked me not waiting for me to answer, “No, he and C-Dan probably took off the moment the bell rang. They don’t want to be seen as soft. We’re supposed to be toys, not people. They aren’t going to wait around to see what we look like, how everyone else has to stare at us like they know what fucking happened and not say a damn word about it.”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head gathering my courage and hoping he was right, that they were gone. That most of the seniors were gone. That even Todd was gone so I could have just a few more minutes alone with him. With him touching me, making me feel safe. Making the world feel right for once.

“Ok, are you ready for me to open the door?” Finn asked, “I’m just checking. We both have it together?”

“Yeah,” I agreed nodding my head, “I’m ready.”

Finn sighed and gave me another encouraging smile before he pulled the door open to find that the library was indeed empty. That all its occupants had gone off to their next class or towards the cafeteria. He didn’t hold my hand as we walked through the halls. Not because I didn’t want to because god, I wanted to so badly. But, because if we had people would have seen. People who had seen Teddy hold my hand earlier. Brotherhood bottoms and trackers who would say something. Who didn’t have any idea how bad he was. How dangerous he was to piss off.

I was after all his boy. I wasn’t supposed to be alone with people in my own bedroom that I wasn’t related to according to him let alone in a room alone somewhere else. Talking to someone, holding hands with someone…he didn’t mind Wallace doing certain things but, that didn’t extend to everything. If I hadn’t understood the conversation, they had engaged in I understood that much. That it was Finn warning Wallace off. Warning him that his actions had consequences.

We got half way through the T and someone shorter than I was, not by very much but maybe an inch or two ran into me knocking the air out of me and both of us to the ground. At first, they were a blur they were moving so fast and then...

“We’re ok,” I told him wrapping my arms around him even though he was on top of me, “We’re ok,” I repeated.

“Todd said he didn’t see either of you the whole fucking hour! You weren’t…” He struggled.

“It’s ok,” Finn agreed as Teddy squeezed his eyes closed.

I’d seen Teddy get upset before but not like that. Not the point where he was shaking and covering his face with his hands like he was trying to hide the fact that he was crying. I laid there on the ground with him on top of me for a minute or two while he sniffled Finn rubbing his shoulder for a second or two before Teddy pulled his hands away from his face.

“I’m ok,” he said, “If you guys are ok, I’m ok.”

“Are you sure?” Finn asked him.

“Yeah,” Teddy said nodding his head, “I was worried.”

Teddy got up Finn and Teddy both offering me their hands to pull me up which I took. I think it was at that moment that I realized how Right Cole was. How important they were becoming. How they really were my safe space, both of them.


	85. Chapter 85

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Lionel's Friday. Lionel confronts Will about some of the rumors he's heard and tells Will he will be able to "make it up" to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2237 to 2263. I was without my computer for like a week for those of you who don't know. I now have it back and everything is up and running again. I'm thinking of setting up a discord for people to ask me questions and have group discussions and stuff. Let me know if you think this is a good idea. Maybe if enough people believe it is I'll actually do it. Right now on Will's POV we are between John's chapters because John likes to skip time and just doesn't tell everyone that he does I will let you know when we are back in sync with John's timeline though so until then just enjoy the ride. Now for the **Warnings: rape, forced oral, forced anal, forced anal fingering, forced toys, forced kissing, making of pornography, mental health issues, PTSD, anxiety, racist language**

Nothing really happened the rest of the day other than I allowed myself to bask in their presence. To just be with them and care about them. I don’t know what it was about that day, about Finn and Wallace and that warning but things started to become easier. Fall into some sort of routine at school. That was the last day where we had any trouble with Wallace for a while and Julian while he still made his nasty comments didn’t try to assault me again. 

The hardest part for a while were Fridays. His Fridays. That Friday the Bentley picked me up after school with Teddy and we went over to his house. I remember being anxious the whole time even though he didn’t touch me while we were at Teddy’s house. My whole chest feeling tight the entire time.

After that, we switched to the limo. I was honestly surprised but thankful that he hadn’t made James come. Thank god for small favors.

“So how is school going William? Theodore?” he asked as we sat in the limo with our heads covered on our way to the villa.

“Ok,” I heard Teddy’s voice as his knee bumped softly against mine, “I mean it’s school.”

“Well I heard earlier in the week there were some issues with someone in your class. Sam Rodgers’ boy. Do you care to tell me more about that than you told me the other night, William?” he asked.

He asked it in a way that made me nervous. I knew Teddy had called him about it but, hearing him ask made my anxiety intensify Teddy purposefully keeping his knee up against mine as I spoke.

“There was…he started making fun of me,” I managed.

“Use your words little one, I heard it was quite a bit more than that,” he told me.

“He and another boy, they…Tyler McOwen pinned my arms behind me and held me there while Julian flashed me,” I answered.

“Ok,” Lionel said sounding annoyed, “Do you care to tell me what really happened, or should I go with Father Everstein’s explanation that you were caught fellating another student in the locker rooms.

“Papa, he wouldn’t do that, he…”

“Theodore, I’ve heard enough from you about this. I don’t need your version of events again. If I do, I’ll ask for it. Are you going to tell me the whole truth, William, or are you going to continue to lie and have me assume Father Everstein’s version of events is the truth?” he asked me his voice deathly calm.

It was worse when his voice was calm sometimes. Sometimes that meant he was angrier than if he wasn’t calm. That he had something planned for you, a punishment of some kind.

“Daddy L, I didn’t cheat on you. I would never do that. Not ever. He called me names and he put his …his penis in my face. I didn’t want to. I didn’t…he told me he was going to make me choke on it. I wouldn’t do it though, not ever, I swear!” I stammered.

“What names did he call you?” he asked me.

“He calls me names all the time. Slut, Harem boy, freak, those types of names,” I answered feeling like I was about to start crying thankful that I had a bag over my head, so he couldn’t see the expression on my face.

“And why do you think they call you that William?” he asked me his voice still ice cold.

“I don’t know,” I answered.

“You’re lying. I don’t like prevaricators. Don’t do that. Why do you think they call you that?” He asked me again.

“B…,” I sighed trying to keep my voice calm, “Because of the videos.”

“The videos we make are not available to members your age. So why would they think you’re a slut?” he asked me.

That was the only reason. There wasn’t any other reason and he didn’t believe me. He didn’t…there wasn’t any other reason. I was good. I tried so hard to be good and he didn’t believe me. He hated me, he didn’t believe me.

“I’m sorry,” I said, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I don’t know. I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you. I’ll…”

“Shhh… it is all right little one,” he told me, “We’ll find a way to fix it.”

He felt him sit down next to me. Sit down on my right side his hand suddenly on my thigh. He was…his hand sliding up my leg to my crotch. I felt like I was made of lead. Suddenly feeling lightheaded.

“Are you going to be my good, sweet little one?” he whispered in my ear as he undid my tie even though he left the cloth bag or pillowcase over my face.

My mouth felt dry. I knew what he was doing. That he was undressing me. Undressing me so he could…and I couldn’t move. I could barely think. And he wondered why people thought I was a slut? 

“Yes, Daddy,” I managed before I felt his hands at my waists on my knees coaxing them apart.

No, no, no, ok no. No, no. No. If I didn’t let him it’d be worse. He’d think I was a slut. He’d hate me.

“Just relax,” he said, “You’re making it up to me. Letting me know the only one you’d feed like this is me.”

He undid my belt my heart thumping so hard I could have sworn that if my shirt was off you could see it beating. He barely pulled my pants down. It got harder and harder to breathe the more he touched, the more he…

“Ah…ah…ah…ah,” escaped before I could stop it, my hands going to his head as he…my body overriding everything. Everything. 

He didn’t stop until I was finished. Until my body had finished everything going tight before I… He laughed. Like it was funny. Like it was no big deal.

“I’m going to take the bag off, keep your eyes closed, ok little one?” he asked me before the air got easier to breathe him pulling the bag off my head.

“Yes, Daddy L,” I barely managed to answer my whole body still shaking as he pulled my head into his lap sitting back down on the bench seat beside me as he started running his hands through my hair.

“You can be a good boy William, I know you can,” he muttered, “Your face is still flushed. You must have discharged harder than I thought. It was a lot though. A good mouthful. No, just relax. Nice deep breaths. I know you get nervous but there’s nothing to be nervous about. I know you’re going to make it up to me.”

I…I knew there was nothing I could do but what he wanted me to do. Nothing I could say that would make him not…make him care that I didn’t want to. Make it matter enough that I didn’t want to, so he wouldn’t punish me. That what he had done, that was just the beginning and already I…I prayed to be anywhere else. To be doing anything else. To be anyone else. And yet it wasn’t enough to save me.

I don’t know how but I managed to not cry. To just…go numb. I could feel my head in his lap and his hand running through my hair, but I kept my eyes closed. I remember wishing that I could see him.

See Teddy because I couldn’t feel him against me anymore. I knew he was still in the car with us, but I wanted to feel him, to smell him and his soap and dirt and god whatever that other thing was that always made him smell so good. I wanted to be able to pinpoint his location near me and yet, I wasn’t allowed to open my eyes.

I knew I couldn’t open my eyes. He had told me not to. If I opened them he’d just get even angrier with me because I wasn’t stupid enough to think that him giving me a blow job had made up for anything I had done. Not even close to it. If we were going to the Villa I was…he was… I didn’t even want to think about it. I somehow managed to draw a deep uninhibited breath into my lungs the first real breath I had managed since he had put his hands on me. Started touching me.

He made a small sound before he started talking, “Very nice, little one. That’s what I want you to do, just relax.”

That was easier to say than it was to do. Just the way he smelled of old spice and something else I couldn’t put my finger on made me feel like I was choking on air. Made me feel like I was…not that I was dying. I wasn’t stupid enough to believe I would be that lucky but, it made me wish I was dying. That way I didn’t have to feel his hands in my hair anymore or live with the fact that he had just had my…he had just made me do that. Made me do that with someone like him.

I knew I was on my way to the Villa and that could only mean one of two things which might as well have been the same. He either wanted me to entertain him and some friends in private or he wanted me to entertain him and some friends while Tony filmed us. Filmed me.

It wasn’t even their faces going on those videos it was mine. They always had masks on. It wasn’t fair. Even being 11 years old I knew that wasn’t fair. If it was my face I should have had some sort of say about it and I didn’t. I wasn’t allowed to say no, to tell them I didn’t want to be filmed doing those things. That I didn’t want to…I didn’t want any of it.

After that, it went silent again. I wished, I fucking wished I could tell where he was. All I could smell and feel was Lionel. And I wanted Teddy. I needed Teddy. I just needed to know he was there, know where he was, and I needed to hear him. I must have sniffled or something. Maybe I even started tensing back up Lionel’s hand stopping on the crown of my head.

“Relax, little one. Everything is fine. There isn’t any reason to upset yourself, William. We’re going to have a nice relaxing evening,” Lionel cooed as his hand rested there.

“Do you want to hear about how my day was?” Teddy asked him apprehensively.

“If I wanted to know Theodore, I would ask. I will be asking later during supper. For right now I would prefer silence,” Lionel told him.

“Yes, Papa,” he said sounding defeated before he fell silent again.

It was a while. We were in the car in silence for a while Lionel periodically telling me to relax. Reminded me to relax.

He did that. He always did that. I knew it was because of my anxiety because he could feel my body contracting more and more the closer we got to the Villa. Got to whatever he was planning on making me do. I kept my eyes closed even though I wanted to open them. Wanted to be able to see him so I could lie to myself and tell myself it would be ok. That it didn’t have to be a big deal. 

None of that happened though. By the time we made it to the Villa he had moved away, Lionel had because my whole body was so tense I was shaking. He made a couple of comments about it. How I was an idiot but that it would be ok because he would “loosen” me up. Make sure I was ready for it. 

I didn’t open my eyes until he told me to. I was too scared. Sasha…he told Sasha to …to pick me up. To take me inside. Lionel didn’t even wait to see if Sasha was doing as he was told. He immediately went into the house once the car door was opened.  
“Will it’s ok,” Teddy said before I opened my eyes, “It’s ok. I’m right here with you, ok?”

“This is bad,” I insisted.

“I’m right here too, ok?” he tried again.

“Come, I help,” Sasha said picking me up as Teddy grabbed my hand.

Sasha whispered something in Russian in my ear. Something I didn’t understand. I still can’t tell you what he said but, I think he was trying to calm me down, trying to stop me from shaking.

Lionel was pissed. He was pissed because I was a slut. He didn’t even know about what Wallace had said on Wednesday. What he had done on Wednesday unless Finn had told Teddy and Teddy had told him. I didn’t think that would have happened. Finn wouldn’t have done that to me. Not ever. 

Sasha took us through a back door that I didn’t recognize but it took us to a room that I did. The prep room. That room, Sasha setting me down in a chair in front of one of the mirrors as a guy came in carrying the enema kit with him. The thing with tubes that…that they used to wash out our bowels before they…

It wasn’t Brian though, it was someone else. Someone different. His hair was so blond it was almost white and he just…he gave me the creeps as bad as Brian, but it wasn’t Brian. I didn’t know who he was.

“You’re not Brian,” Teddy said looking at him.

“Really? You don’t say?” The guy said looking at himself in the mirror like he was surprised, “No, I’m Chuck. I just moved here. Apparently, I’m supposed to get blond bombshell camera ready.”

“Not me?” Ted asked.

“I was just told about him. I do what I’m told,” Chuck said, “Come here sweetheart, let’s get you naked and on the table. I was told I shouldn’t touch your hair or anything that this one is a raw shoot so…”

“Are you kidding?!” Teddy asked.

“Kid, I just do what I’m told. I don’t have any more information than the information they give me and that was to get him cleaned inside and out and then walk him downstairs to the studio rooms,” Chuck told him.

So, what was a raw shoot? What was…I couldn’t. I…

“Take off your clothes or I’ll call Sergei in here and I can promise you the boss won’t be happy if that happens,” Chuck warned me.

He was right, he would hate it if Sergei was called in to undress me. To make me do anything. I was at a point where when I was told to do something like to take off my clothes I was expected to do it. Especially because in the past that’s what had happened. It didn’t matter how scared I was. What I was…what I was feeling. I had to do what I was told.

I remember feeling like my heart was about to stop but, not really managing to look at anything as I started pulling my clothes off. The only thing keeping me calm was Teddy’s voice as he continued to question Chuck. Asking him why he wasn’t being “cleaned” five different ways before he finally gave up turning to me as I started pulling my boxers down.

“You’re ok Will. I’ll figure this out, ok? No big. We’ll figure it out,” he said as Sergei and Tony walked into the room with two guys.

They looked adult, but they couldn’t have been. No one in the Villa was over 17 and they were wearing the white robes but didn’t have any underwear underneath it. One of them walking around using his hands to cup himself so his genitals weren’t hanging down past the hem of his robe. They both had their heads down and were both very tall, very big. Their skin was dark. 

They were throwaways. I don’t remember climbing onto the table, but I must have because I hissed as he slid the nozzle into me and started playing with the bag. Tony and Sergei starting to finally include Chuck in the conversation they were having.

“Do you think we can get enough facial hair off this one to make it work?” Tony asked Chuck.

He went up to the guy who was almost taller than he was forcing him to look up instead of at the ground like they were both doing. He looked closely at his chin, his upper lip. He did have facial hair. Not a lot of it but enough for him to be around 16 or 17. That wasn’t the most astonishing part of him though. His eyes. One of his eyes was almost ice blue while the other was brown, an almost black brown. I had never seen anyone with eyes like that before. Chuck sighing as he looked at him.

“Yeah, I can do it. It will annoy the shit out of everyone later but a straight razor and then follow up with laser treatment every day for the next 2 weeks and it will be gone for at least six months,” Chuck mentioned shrugging his shoulders.

“Cool. Just get rid of it. I don’t care how,” Tony said, “Ok since I’m here. Will, right?” he asked me not waiting for me to answer, for anyone to answer, “Will this is AC and Suddi. You’re going to be filming with them. You can talk if you want, if you don’t I don’t personally care.

That’s not why you’re important right now. Once you’re done on the table get in the showers and then I’m sure Sasha or Sergei will come and retrieve you to bring you downstairs. Or Chuck is supposed to walk you down, some shit. I don’t know. See you in a little bit.”

“Teddy, come,” Sergei said in his heavily accented English.

“But, I’m with…”

“Nyet, come,” he said shaking his head, “No fight. Come now. Go home.”

“Can I say goodbye?” Teddy asked him.

“You see him later come,” he told Teddy before Teddy shot me a sympathetic look but followed Sergei.

I was filming with…with them? The other one only looking up from the ground once Tony and Sergei were gone. While his eyes weren’t such a sharp contrast they were still two different colors one more of a hazel while the other was that same deep brown to the point where it was almost black. It was weird. However, he didn’t scare me nearly as much as AC who was the bigger of the two in every sense of the word. Him and his really freaky eyes.

“He doesn’t bite,” Suddi said watching me watch AC as my stomach started to feel uncomfortably full, “I don’t bite.”

I felt my face heat up Chuck looking around the room slightly nervous, “Sud, can you sit down for a minute or something?”

Suddi didn’t say anything just sitting down in the chair nearest the door. He didn’t seem nervous but, didn’t really seem comfortable either. More like he was used to it. Used to being there or being in a place like it. Chuck coming over and checking my bag before pulling the nozzle out.

“Don’t be shy about it, kid. Trust me they are about to up in there so I’m sure they want to know it’s clean even if they are using condoms,” Chuck told me as he turned on the water spout near my head in to wash my waste down the table as I eliminated on myself. 

I remember rolling from my side to my back trying to hold it for a while as Suddi and AC started talking. I had no idea what they were talking about. My brain not able to focus on them, on what they were saying. I wanted Teddy back. I didn’t want to do this. 

“Hey, kid? Kid, what’s your name again?” one of them asked me the one with the super weird eyes, AC asked me.

“Will,” Chuck filled in for me as he held the blade against AC’s neck as he shaved him.

“Will, how much work have you done?” AC asked.

Yes, he was trying to talk to me while I crapped myself in front of him. Because you know, that’s something normal people do? The last thing I wanted to do was talk with him. Especially with his…everything hanging out and the thought that…no.

“Look, we won’t hurt. We’ll be nice, yes?” Suddi asked me.

“I think he’s shy, guys. I haven’t heard him say anything,” Chuck said.

It was true. I probably hadn’t said anything since I had gotten there. I wasn’t sure there was anything to say.

As soon as I had stripped he had shoved a hose in my ass and started filling my intestines with water so that I would shit all the fecal matter in my bowels out, so someone could fuck me without getting it on them. The last thing I wanted to do was make conversation.

“Or he is intimidated,” Suddi said smiling.

“I’m sorry,” AC said, “This isn’t something I want to do either you realize?”

“I am not sure he cares. You remember being a receiver. It is painful sometimes and with that monster you have I doubt he would look forward to it even if he could find enjoyment,” Suddi said.

Great. Great fucking great. I didn’t want to talk about AC’s penis. That was the last thing I wanted to think about. He was going to rape me and there wasn’t anything I could say or do to make it not happen. And they were joking about it, laughing about it. I didn’t want to have sex with them. I didn’t want to do any of that stuff with them. I wanted them to leave me alone.

I rolled over onto my side. I think they tried to talk to me. I was sure that they tried but I…I couldn’t. I couldn’t even look at them. They were going to rape me because he was telling them to and they thought it was funny. He really hated me. I was a slut and that’s all that mattered was I was such a big slut he didn’t…

I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t…someone tapping me on the shoulder after a while.

“Are you seriously crying?” Chuck asked me sounding annoyed, “At least you have to take a shower and wash up. It will give a chance to wash your face off. There really isn’t anything to cry about. It’s not like you haven’t taken one after another before. I’ve seen some of your work. Come on, up!”

He pulled me up to my feet and walked me across the hall and into the shower. It was turned on already and it was decently warm. He didn’t say anything else, just left me there. Eventually those two…men? Boys? Came in. Both of them looking at me.   
“Are you ok?” Suddi asked seeming a little less amused by the situation.

He waited a couple of minutes waiting for me to speak as I turned away, so I was facing that wall, as I hugged myself telling myself that they wouldn’t touch me yet. That just for that second, I was ok because they wouldn’t touch me without a handler there or else they’d be in trouble. That we’d all be in trouble and not just me.

“We really don’t want to hurt you,” Suddi said quietly, “You understand that, yes? We don’t enjoy hurting people. Our bodies just got big enough we don’t make good bottoms anymore. If we don’t do it, we are told we are too old to be sold. We are told…”

“They will kill us,” AC finished just stating the fact, “I’m not going to die for some untouchable. I am sorry but that’s just how it is. For all I know I only have a couple of months left before they sell me out of house if I’m lucky anyway. So…yeah. Tough shit. Just close your eyes and pretend it’s someone you like. Some hot shorty or guy, whatever you’re into because I’m not going to die because you can’t follow directions.”

So that was it then? That was it. I had to do it what I was told and nothing else mattered. Not my feelings, not whether I wanted to or if I enjoyed it. None of that mattered. I was supposed to just lay down and let them fuck me. Probably both at once for all I knew and I…

“AC don’t be mean to him. He is only a child,” Suddi said sounding upset, “He didn’t mean it. He’s just as scared as you. How old are you? Will, right?” he asked me.

If I messed this up, they were dead. I had killed them. I should try to be nice to them. That way if it did go wrong if I was bad I knew I had tried my best to at least be nice. That even if their death was my fault I had at least been nice so that maybe they wouldn’t hate me.

“11,” I answered.

“J'espère que tu plaisantes? MERDE,” (are you kidding me? SHIT!) Suddi swore my whole body jumping with the increase in volume before he looked at me shaking his head, “Not at you. I am sorry. Not you. You are young. Where are you from?”

“Here,” I answered Suddi giving me an amused smile.

“That’s what I tell people too,” he told me, “I am from a long way away. Have you heard of République de Côte d'Ivoire?”

“Africa,” I answered nodding my head.

“He’s like half retarded. I don’t know how they think we’re supposed to be able to do this. Look at him. He can’t even string a sentence together and we’re supposed to make it look like he’s enjoying it? How am I supposed to make it look like he enjoys my cock if he can’t even look me in the eye let alone look at my dick long enough to touch it?” AC asked Suddi.

“That is enough! He is scared as you are scared! You should be nice to him. He is only a little boy. He did not ask to be here just like you did not ask to be here, and I know I did not ask to be here! So, stop! You are not helping him,” Suddi said shaking his head.

“I’ll be good,” I said, “I’m sorry I’m …I’m not…”

“It is ok,” Suddi tried to assure me, “You do not have to speak if you cannot. Do not worry about it until the cameras are on, yes?”

I nodded my head. He was right. What I said or did at that point didn’t matter. It wouldn’t save their lives.

What mattered was what I did in front of the camera. How I acted while the camera was rolling. AC seemed angry and hateful where Suddi, Suddi seemed like he really cared. Like he didn’t want me to be afraid even though I was. Like I somehow mattered to him even though he didn’t know me. 

When they decided we were clean enough Sergei came in and motioned for us to follow him. I felt like I was going to throw up. I wasn’t sure what they wanted me to do still other than to have sex with these guys.

I wasn’t sure if Tony was going to be in the room or what. Someone had always been in the room with us before and usually, it was Teddy and me and not these two. He was the only person even close to my age that I had been filmed with, not that 16 or 17 was that close to my age but, it felt a lot closer than 2.

When we got to the studios we went up to the one with the blue light on the outside. The completely white bedroom where Lionel had made me do things with little A and him. Where he had…I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like this was…this was on me. Suddi and AC had both told me that if I didn’t do this right, this was their lives. Lionel was going to kill them.

Tony was standing outside, and he looked at us closely grabbing AC’s face and squeezing it in his hand before running his fingers over AC’s chin, “Nice. I approve. Ok now, what’s going to happen is you’re going to fuck.

You two can do whatever you want to him short of making him scream. We want it to look like he’s enjoying it. You can get a little rough, fuck him hard and I’ll let you know when you can start using the toys.

Will, this is going to mostly raw footage that means as little editing as possible so if you can’t use words to make it sound like you’re enjoying yourself use sounds. Don’t be afraid to moan like it’s the best fuck you’ve ever gotten. I will give you some direction but, for the most part, I’m going to be silent and let you guys self-direct. My best advice for you Will, relax just relax and let them do their jobs. Remember no names once we’re in the room. W, A and S ok?”

We all nodded our heads. So, this was…this was it. Tony sliding a mask that had been sitting on his head onto his face and making sure it was in place before he opened the door.

There was a camera inside sitting on a dresser which he picked up and turned on, “Ok, W, sit on the bed.” He muttered.

We were already naked. There wasn’t any clothing to take off. He pointed the camera at me and I immediately thought about the 100’s of people that would be watching once he was done editing. Once they posted it to the website. All I could picture was their faces as they watched me…watched me do that, lie there like that as AC and Suddi did those things to my body, to me.

“Ok, W, can you tell us how old you are?” Tony asked holding the camera to his eye the red light blinking at me like it was an evil eye winking. Like it knew some secret that I didn’t and was trying desperately to hint at. Trying to make me understand something that I couldn’t see. Something that my brain couldn’t process.

“11,” I said.

“You need to be louder W, I can’t hear you and that means our friends can’t hear you. Speak up,” Tony prompted.

“11,” I repeated a little louder.

“What about you A?” he asked AC.

“17,” AC answered shrugging his shoulders.

“I’m 17 too,” Suddi said.

“And what are we doing guys?” Tony asked.

“We’re playing, having fun,” Suddi said as he sat down next to me on the bed his hand going to my knee.

I remember taking a deep breath, trying to breathe.

“We’re going to have lots of fun,” AC said sitting down on my right side and pushing the hair back behind my ear before he leaned up against me kissing my cheek.

At first, it was just a small peck, but he kept doing it. Kept…down into my neck using his head to push my head to the side as he started biting and sucking at my neck softly. Tony telling him to “kiss me good”.

“That’s right guys show the camera how much fun we’re having,” he said as AC climbed on top of me, pushing me down, making me lay down. His tongue finding its way into my mouth as Suddi started touching me. Touching me down there putting his hand between AC’s body and mine so he could rub me.

All I could think about was how I didn’t know them. How I didn’t know how to make it work. How I didn’t want them touching me.

“That’s it, W, moan. Moan and let everyone know how good it feels,” Tony said pointing the camera at us.

I was more panting than moaning. I wanted them to stop touching me but, I didn’t want them to die. I didn’t want them to die because I couldn’t do what I was supposed to. Because I couldn’t play nice.

“Hey S, can you go grab the lube and a rubber?” Ac asked my whole-body tensing, “It’s ok, baby. I’ll warm you up nice and good. Fuck you on my fingers huh baby boy?”

I remember thinking to myself _“Ok, be calm. It’s about to get a whole lot worse, be calm.”_

“Thank you,” Ac said smiling at Suddi who kissed him, started making out with him as I laid under AC’s body, “I’m going to fuck your pussy so good with my fingers baby,” he said putting his one hand on my chest, “spread those legs and let me see that cute little hole.”

 _“You have to be good. You have to be good, you have to be good,”_ I remember thinking that as I whimpered, as he opened my legs laying on top of me and kissing my chest, my collar bones. 

He didn’t feel like…like a Daddy. I remember deciding that at that point. That his skin felt different, softer somehow. That even though he was saying the same stuff they did he wasn’t being as rough as they were. He wasn’t pinching and pulling at my skin like they did even though he was doing a lot of the same stuff. He was…softer.

“Just breathe deep baby boy,” he said as I felt his wet fingers up against my butt like he was getting ready to press in, “Relax and we’ll…”

“S, can you sit on his chest and pull his cheeks open? I want to get a good angle on it,” Tony said suddenly.

“Relax Daddy it’s just my fingers,” AC said almost laughing about it.

“Still, sometimes that gets guys hot and seeing those long beautiful fingers you have thrusting into that tight boy pussy? Our viewers will go wild,” Tony replied.

Suddi shrugged his shoulders before sitting on my chest and bending over me almost like he was going to perform 69 pulling my cheeks back and exposing my butthole so that the camera could get a clear angle of what was happening to me, how Ac was penetrating my body.

“He has an impressive dick for his age, no?” Suddi asked.

“I think so,” Ac said, “Now just relax baby boy. This is going to feel so good. I’ve been told I have magic fingers.”

I felt him push in as I tried to relax, as I told myself to be calm. I told myself that their lives depended on me doing a good job. Making it seemed like I liked what they were doing Ac moving his finger as…oh my god.

“Now that’s a nice face,” Tony said as my mouth opened and my eyes bugged.

He had found my prostate almost immediately. That feeling of that electric snow overpowering my entire system.

“You like that, don’t you sweetheart?” Tony asked as he shifted the camera up to my face as I tried to keep myself from moaning.

“He must, he’s wiggling an awful lot, yes?” Suddi pointed out.

“That’s right, baby boy. Fuck yourself on my magic fingers,” Ac muttered.

I didn’t want to do that. To make it seem like I wanted to have sex with them. I didn’t. If I…if I didn’t make it look real though they were dead, and I knew it. The fact that he kept hitting it so intensely didn’t help me stay still either though. Tony turning the camera back down to what they were doing.

“You want to ride my cock?” Ac asked me looking at me as he continued to finger me.

Did I want to ride his cock? About as much as I wanted another plastic tube shoved up my ass. I nodded my head though not able to speak and even if I had been able to find that ability not trusting it. Instead, a little humming sound escaping as I exhaled and nodded my head.

“I’m sure you do,” Ac said smiling at me as he pulled his fingers out. My chest feeling even tighter if that was possible as Suddi held my hand. He kissed my arm and my neck as he laid beside me.

I felt like Suddi was trying to keep me calm. That he understood I didn’t want to do what we were doing. That I didn’t know them, and I really didn’t feel comfortable with AC poking around at my insides like he was. I could feel my whole body shaking as AC shifted his weight back grabbing one of the small squares off the bed and ripping it open showing how erect he was, how big he was. 

He was rubbing himself his weird eye creeping me out making me want to beg him, plead with him not to do it. To tell him that it was going to hurt, and I didn’t want to do it. Suddi kissing my cheek before moving so his mouth was up against my neck making think he was going to start biting and sucking, kissing. Instead, he whispered in my ear.

“We are sorry but, we must. We have no choice. If you relax it won’t hurt as much. We don’t want to hurt you,” he told me quietly.

“You want this?” Ac asked looking at me causing my face to heat up as I nodded my head in response trying to breathe deeply, trying to relax.

“Now go slow and once you’re in a good spot start fucking and I’ll tell you when I want you to join S, slide your fingers in,” Tony said as I felt it as I felt…

“It is ok, you are doing good,” Suddi said allowing me to squeeze his hand.

That pressure always sucked especially if it was someone who had decent girth and AC had some girth to him. It was an intense pressure the most intense level of that pressure I had ever felt causing me to whimper and try to tense against it, try to push it away Tony trying to coach me through it as my face burned. It hurt. It hurt more than Josh or Sergei had even hurt. It hurt too much, too much for me to find a way to breathe through it no matter how hard I tried. How hard I fought.

“ow,” I barely whispered before I made a little humming sound hoping that maybe AC would stop pushing in like that, try slowing down, something, anything because it hurt.

“You like it, don’t you baby boy?” Ac asked me as I tried to make myself go still, tried to relax and only found myself struggling more, “Your boy pussy is certainly eating my cock. You want it bad, don’t you?”

NO NO NO! I didn’t want it! I wanted him to stop he was hurting me! He was hurting, and I needed him to stop! And he wasn’t stopping, they weren’t stopping. Suddi apparently sensing I was on the verge of tears as he pressed his lips to mine to keep me silent, to keep me from screaming out from crying out as I could no longer contain my panic as he grabbed my arms, my wrists so he was holding them.

“You’re being good I know he’s a lot to handle,” Tony muttered as he kept filming, “You just relax you’ll be fine. You’ll even like it. I know you’ve never had a black cock before.”

“You like it a lot don’t you baby boy?” AC asked as Suddi continued pressing his lips to mine and groaned into the kiss, “He’s wiggling his ass a lot, so he must.”

“Now remember gentlemen this fine Oreo is one part 11-year-old and two parts 17-year-old. I think our cream is having a bit of trouble with discomfort, so I think what we’re going to do is switch positions and see if that helps. A why don’t you pull out and roll him on his side. He seems to usually do better in that position.”

“Ok, you got it, Daddy,” Ac muttered before he slowly pulled out of me my whole body feeling like it was going limp as he did so Suddi finally breaking the kiss, finally letting me breathe.

I started panting heavily. I knew he was trying to make sure I didn’t scream but, it had only made me panic more. Rolling onto my side only helping me calm down slightly because I knew it would change the angle of penetration. The calm only a slight hope that it wouldn’t hurt as much as it had before as Suddi grabbed my right leg holding it up by the knee so that Ac could have better access as he slid back into me from behind.

“AH!” groaned loudly as he easily found his way back into my body causing me to squeeze my eyes closed as my body accepted his intrusion, accepted the fact that he was penetrating me a lot easier than it had before when I was lying on my back.

“There we go baby boy,” Ac said starting to kiss on the back of my neck, “Very nice that was a good sound. That’s what I like to hear.”

“Yes, a very good sound. We want you to enjoy yourself as we enjoy you,” Suddi agreed as he started kissing my chest started playing with my nipples.

“Oh yeah, I see the difference someone is starting to enjoy this. Aren’t you sweetheart?” Tony asked me as he pointed the camera at my face.

I wouldn’t say it felt good but, it certainly didn’t hurt as much as it had before. My body starting to get used to the activity to allow it to happen as the pain started to dull and that other feeling started to take over again, that tingling buzzing snow feeling as I panted and whimpered as AC had sex with me. Forced me to copulate.

“There you go good boy,” Tony said shoving the camera in my face making the invasion of my personal space that much more evident to me making me wish I could push them away, push them off me as Suddi kept kissing and then started…yeah ok! OK! I thought as he started stroking my shaft, starting to push that electric snow around my system faster.

“Use your fingers first one at a time,” Tony murmured.

I wasn’t sure who he was speaking to or what he was talking about. That’s when I felt it. When I…

“OW! OW! OW!!” I said loudly before I could stop myself as I felt it. 

Didn’t they get that someone was already in there? that I couldn’t…It hurt. It strung my body accepting what was happening but not liking it. Protesting the added pressure inside of me that I wasn’t ready for. That my body didn’t want. It hurt, and I couldn’t tell them no. To stop, and I didn’t want it and I couldn’t…

“Just relax,” Tony warned me as he pointed the camera at what they were doing to my body, “If you had pegged like you were supposed to it wouldn’t be hurting as much as it is. When Daddy L tells you to do something it’s your responsibility to make sure it gets done. You can’t always depend on your father he’s a very busy man”

It burned. Not nearly as bad as it had that one time I was with Lionel, but it still burned, stung. Suddi level with my crotch as AC held my right leg up to give Suddi more room to insert his fingers into me. At first, it was just one finger one finger that he slowly thrust into me to fit inside next to AC’s penis and then another one. The burning and stinging increasing so much I thought I was going to be sick because of it. 

Suddi started licking and kissing below my belly button. Like he was…the dizzy cold fuzzy electric snow feeling overriding every other sensation again as he started to blow me. As my chest got tighter, somehow making me pant harder, faster. I needed them to stop, to stop what they were doing because I was going to…

“You must like it. Look at how hard he is. He’s throbbing,” Tony pointed at as I tried my best to just breathe, to just exists in the body I was trapped in as they touched me. As they penetrated me.

“Yeah, you like it don’t you, baby boy?” AC told muttered into the back of my neck before he started picking up his pace as Suddi went back to sucking me, to…my whole body feeling so hot I thought I was going to start melting. A series of moans escaping from me before I could stop them. Before I could even attempt to stop them, Tony laughing happily like he was amused with it. Like something was incredibly pleasing to him.

“Can you tell how many fingers S has in there next to that cock?” he asked me as if he expected me to be able to answer. 

The only thing that was making the burning lessen from being stretched like that in a place I wasn’t used to stretching was the fact that Suddi was blowing me. Deep-throating me for as long as he could hold his breath before licking his way down my shaft repeatedly.

“W, how many fingers?” Tony asked me.

I could barely breathe, let alone speak. I wasn’t sure how he was expecting me to answer at all as I whimpered holding up two fingers and making this weird sound between a wheeze and moan as I rounded my lips trying to calmly exhale.

“Smart boy right there,” Tony said, “You can feel the difference between one finger and two even in there with that big cock. Speaking of. How does he feel, A?’

“Very nice. I know I’m getting close. Aren’t you baby boy?” AC said thrusting harder as he started grunting like some type of animal hitting up against my prostate hard.

“S, when he’s getting ready to cum you know how to…Oh, ok,” I Tony said as Suddi felt the change my body, felt something move and pulled away using his hand to finish me while he held his mouth open helping to squirt my cum into his mouth as I climaxed my whole body freezing up before all of my muscles started shaking as my body gave in giving over to their hands, their bodies.

“Yeah, that’s it, baby boy. Let that boy pussy eat my cock,” AC muttered.

“He likes it, he’s still throbbing,” Tony pointed out, “Are you still coming like a good boy? Huh? And remember gentlemen he’s 11 so he’s impressively equipped for 11 but that would be another reason we used him for this and not just his creamy white complexion between these two black beauties. Now you two can…yep…”

“I’m kind of…,” AC trailed off Tony laughing loudly.

“W, baby you have to relax. He can’t pull out because you’re too tight. He’s going to hurt you. You need to take some nice deep breaths and just calm down.”

He was stuck. My body wouldn’t stop. I didn’t even understand why but my body wouldn’t stop to the point where it was painful my muscles repeatedly contracting around AC as I tried to just breathe through it. My body treating not just me but everyone there to multiple orgasms that just kept hitting me one after another making my body “pop” so to speak as I tried to breathe through the intense tingling that was starting to hurt, to become too much stimulation. Every time my body contracted AC was pushed up against my prostate again causing another major contraction.

“Ok, W…baby, you have to relax. He can’t pull out if you don’t relax,” Tony repeated himself as I was barely able to breathe let alone stop my body from reacting to the stimulation it was receiving as Suddi continued to…, “Ok, I have an idea. Now we don’t want to hurt anyone here, so you know how you push in slowly you’re going to pull out slowly. It might be uncomfortable, but you pull out a little bit then thrusts back in and then you pull out a little bit more with each thrust until you are out.”

“Hold I think I…” Suddi said finally stopping.

“Well, shit,” AC said as my body finally released him, Apparently, you just give really good head S.”

“I guess so, yes? That is ok. Are you ok, W?” he asked me.

Now at this point, I wasn’t ok. I was beyond sweaty and tired. They had just…I was exhausted. They had just pushed me from pleasure to intense pain back to very strong pleasure again. My chest was feeling tight and I felt sick. I felt like I was going to pass out.

“Can you hit the lights for a second, Daddy?” Suddi asked, “I think he looks…his…Sa couleur est éteinte. How you say…his face…his skin…”

“His complexion?” AC tried.

“Oui, it does not look right,” Suddi tried to communicate.

I wasn’t breathing very well. I knew I wasn’t I just…I was already doing a piss poor job of making it seem like I was into it. If I complained anymore, for all I knew that was going to be what killed them.

That was going to be the thing that ended their lives and made me responsible for it. So, I didn’t want to say anything, but it was getting harder to ignore my wheezing and coughing. I was sure of it.

Tony stopped setting the camera down on a table and flipping on a light before opening the door and flipping the main light that flooded the room making everyone blink heavily for a minute or two. I could feel what was happening, how tight my lower chest felt. How I could barely breathe Tony swearing loudly as he looked at me.

“His lips are purple, yes?” Suddi commented at seeing me under the light.

“NO shit!” Tony muttered shaking his head before he hurriedly left the room leaving the door wide open.

“It will be ok,” Suddi tried to assure me trying to rub my back in a comforting manner as I pushed him away the best I could.

I didn’t want him touching me. I didn’t want either of them touching me. I didn’t want them. My whole body hurt, and I was sticky and sore and gross and I…I didn’t want them. 

“You know I did not want to hurt you?” he asked me in a whisper as I tried my best to ignore him Tony coming back and shoving an inhaler in my face barely giving me time to use it.

“We’re going to take a minute or two and then we’re going to continue. I should have had this with us to begin with so, this is my fault. I’m sorry.

We’re going to push you up to 8 in girth if we can or as close as we can get it. So as soon as everything has calmed down a little bit S you’re going to switch places with A and A instead of using your fingers you’re going to be using…” Tony went over to a dresser and pulled out a big rubber what looked like an arrowhead. It probably had a circumference of 2 inches, “Just fuck him with it while Suddi is in there.”

“I can’t do that,” I said shaking my head.

“Excuse me? Do I need to call him down here?” Tony asked looking at me.

I couldn’t do that. His fingers had hurt. His just his fingers and AC had…No. They were setting us up to fail. They were going to die because of me. Because I couldn’t do it. Because I couldn’t…because it hurt. It hurt so bad and I couldn’t…no.

I shook my head. If he called him they were dead for sure and while they weren’t my favorite people they were just doing what they were told, just like me. They hadn’t asked to be there. They hadn’t asked to have sex with me. I figured they wanted it as much as I did. That they didn’t want to do it at all. That it was the last thing they wanted, and they just didn’t have a choice.

“I’m sorry,” I barely managed to mutter.

“That’s right you little shit you better be. Do you see these two boys? They’re depending on you to keep your shit together. You need to stop sniffling and show everyone that you enjoy it just as much as that hot little body does. Because everyone saw how red and throbbing that sweet little cock got. Everyone knows you enjoyed it and you’re going to enjoy it this time too,” Tony said.

I didn’t enjoy it. It had hurt. And that was only fingers and he wanted to…I didn’t want to do it. I couldn’t do it. I needed Teddy, I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t do it. I don’t know how I managed to keep myself calm. How I managed to lay back down and let them…but I did. 

I don’t know how or why but I remember the toy almost hurting less than their fingers. It was almost the same thing they had done before only they switched positions. I remember not being able to feel my legs anymore after a while. Maybe because of all the pressure I was feeling in other places. I’m not even sure. I wish I could say I stayed that numb. Managed to stay that calm but the moment AC and Suddi were dismissed the little calm I managed to hold onto shattered. Shattered under the harsh blows of Tony’s words.

“That was good but not good enough. Not that it would have mattered. You were their steak and lobster fuck. I’m sure they both enjoyed themselves though. We have two very full condoms of jizz to prove it so…good job,” he said smacking my bare ass and then looking at me as if he were waiting for me to respond, “Did you not hear what I said? Or do you not care? Most death row inmates like to ask for steak and lobster as their last meal. I’m sure you can put two and two together. You’re a smart kid and a great fuck too. Do you want to fuck me?”

I didn’t have the energy to answer him. The will. He didn’t seem to care that I barely blinked let alone gave him a verbal answer as he sat down on the bed next to me where I was still lying on my side curled in the fetal position.

“I’m supposed to put a chastity belt on you with a plug. Inflatable, to help open you up a little bit more. We did a pretty good job but, just to make sure. I’m not sure if he wants you showered first or not. So how about you show me how nice that pussy feels?” he asked me.

I was beyond done. I couldn’t move my legs anymore if I tried. There wasn’t anything to say. Even if I said no he wouldn’t listen, he didn’t care.

“You’re a sweet boy. I can see why Daddy likes you,” he said pushing on my left shoulder so that instead of lying on my side I was on my back, “You have pretty eyes. That’s why I like shooting you though. Your face is so expressive when someone hits that sweet little button you can tell. Do you want to fuck me?” he asked me again.

No. I didn’t want to fuck him. I didn’t want to do anything with him anywhere near me ever again. My brain still numb to the fact that he had told me Suddi and AC were basically dead the moment that Sergei had led them away.

“Are you going to say anything? Usually, you say a lot more than this. Usually, you’re a good boy,” He said.

He didn’t straddle me but he kind of shifted so his upper body was over me, so that I was under him. His arms on each side of my body so that I couldn’t easily roll or change my position. He wasn’t going to take no for an answer. I could tell by looking at him. The look in his eyes.

“You’re a beautiful boy,” he said running his hand down the side of my face, “A very sexy, talented boy. People pay a lot of money to see you play. I’m going to love playing with you but, you can’t tell anyone, ok?”

He leaned in kissing me. Kissing me on the cheek before planting smell pecks across my face to my lips. I knew what he wanted. I relented because I didn’t have the energy to fight. To fight his tongue sliding into my mouth. To fight his hands on my body.

“You’re a good boy,” Tony muttered again when he broke the kiss, “I can make you feel really nice. Do you want to feel nice? You have a couple of friends I know you can ask them how good I am.”

He kissed my throat. I didn’t respond. He sighed heavily resting his forehead against my shoulder. He didn’t seem mad but…something else.

“You’re supposed to play with me. I like it when you play. Tell me what you want me to do. No cameras just you and me. Ok, sexy boy?”

“I want you to fuck me,” I muttered quietly.

“Yeah? You want it hard?” he asked putting his fingers inside me, “You’re loose enough I can give it to you nice and hard. Ball slapping hard. Is that how you want it?”

“Yes, Daddy,” I muttered quietly.

“Yeah? How about we start here?” he asked starting to move his fingers, “You like that?”

I moaned. It hurt. It didn’t feel anywhere close to good my body beyond tired. Beyond the point where I could…

“There we go,” he muttered happily, “There you are. Did I find your button? Huh, sexy boy?”

I nodded my head not sure how my body was even responding when mentally all I wanted to do was pass out, was stop feeling. I wanted to die. I wanted him to stop touching me, stop looking at me. I wanted him to disappear or for me to disappear.

I could feel it. My body twitching as I closed my eyes. As I tried to bite back the sounds my body wanted to make. To release. I didn’t want to do it for him because he wanted it so badly and I knew he did. My body wiggling against his touch.

“There you go sexy boy, fuck yourself on my fingers,” he muttered reminding me of another person who had said that to me before. Reminding me of Ben. How he had told me that more than once. How he enjoyed doing that and I didn’t understand why, “You like that, you like getting finger fucked? I must be hitting that sweet button real good, huh?”

I went to go put my hand over my mouth because I knew I was going to start moaning. That I didn’t want to moan like that. That …it was wrong and disgusting and I shouldn’t, but I felt it happening. Felt the sounds trying to get out. He grabbed my hand pulling it down to my side.

“No, no, no, sexy boy,” he said shaking his head as smiled at me, “I want you to be loud. Be a good boy. Let me know I’m better than both those little jungle bunnies.”

“Ah,” I managed before I stopped myself wishing that I would just shut the fuck up. That my body would just stop.

“That’s right, sexy boy. Just me and you,” he muttered as he started biting on my neck, “I’m going to fuck you so hard baby. You’ll beg me to do it again eventually.” 

“P…please, ah, ah, ah,” I muttered before I could stop myself as I started crying.

I don’t know what he took it to mean, whatever he wanted it to probably. I was asking him to stop. He only stopped for a minute though. Long enough to put a condom on before he pushed inside me. He didn’t even go slowly, instead starting off hard right away. My insides complaining as my spine flipped out. As half of my body told me it felt good and the other half wished he would stop. 

“You do have an amazing cunt,” he muttered as he brushed the hair back from my face that was starting to stick to my sweaty skin, “You feel really nice. If Wallace keeps screwing up how would you like to be my boy after Daddy L is done with you? Would you like that?”

“AH!” I inhaled sharply as he started thrusting faster, not really harder but faster pushing us both towards what he wanted even though I felt like my body could barely keep up.

“Yeah, I know you like that. You love it don’t you? I’d love to have you as my boy. Do you want to be my boy?” he asked me again, “OH FUC…” 

He trailed off nearly falling on top of me pressing his forehead to my shoulder again as he came. As his Orgasm rippled through his body before he pulled out. As I silently thanked God he had stopped and that he wasn’t going to make me have one. Hoping that he was finished. That he would just stop.

“You’re a sweetheart too,” he told me kissing my shoulder, sucking on it, “I can see why he likes you. I wish you would have said more but, that’s ok. Maybe we’ll get a chance to work on it, as I said. I’m not sure if he wants you plugged first or showered so let me just…pop my head out and I’ll let you know ok?” he asked me as I laid there limply.

He got up from the bed Sergei returning with him who picked me up. He didn’t really speak but took me up to the apartment and set me down on the couch Teddy and Luke staring at me as he did so. Staring at me like I was some type of unicorn or a wild animal they had never seen all of us staring at each other in silence until Sergei shut the door.

“Should I go st…”

“Yes, please,” Teddy said as Luke got up scrambling out of the room and into the bathroom, “What can I do?”

I didn’t know. I didn’t have an answer. I hadn’t…and they were dead. He’d let them fuck me and then…they were dead. Because I couldn’t be good. Because I couldn’t make it look like I liked it, I wanted it. He’d killed those guys because of me. Because of…

“Will?” Teddy quietly asked, “Will can you say something? Anything?”

“I hope it’s not too hot,” Luke said coming out of the bathroom, “But I turned it on for him. He looks really tired.”

“I’m pretty sure he is,” Teddy confirmed nodding his head, “Will can you feel your legs?”

I could kind of feel them. They felt more asleep than anything at that point instead of just numb. Almost like the circulation had been cut off and was just now starting to return to them. I wasn’t sure if that was better or worse than how they had felt before but, there wasn’t…I couldn’t find my words. Not any that made sense.

“Will, please? Can you speak? I know you’re tired and that you…”

“He said I was their steak and lobster fuck,” barely managed to whisper.

“Ok,” Teddy said nodding his head before going silent for a minute or two, “How about we get you in the shower? Do you think you can walk?”

“I think he’s doing that thing Cam does,” Luke said quietly.

“I know,” Teddy said nodding his head, “It’s ok though Luke, I got it. Will, I’m going to help you get to the shower. You’ll feel better. I am going to grab your arm and help you stand up before I put your arm over my shoulder, ok?

It’s just me. No one else is going to touch you right now. The only three people here are you, me and Luke and Luke’s not going to touch you. It’s just going to be me, ok? Ok, here we go… I’m not going to hurt you. Ok, I swear I won’t hurt you…” 

He kept talking slowly and calmly as he helped me stand, helped me to the bathroom. I think it was mostly because he didn’t want me to freak out and hurt him or myself but, I must admit it did help me. It helped me stay calm. Him being close, his smell helping my heart rate slow, helping the fog clear from my brain a little bit.

“Here we go Anchor boy. Ok, now one step over...” he muttered as I hugged him held him, “Ok, ok. I need to take my robe off though. Can you let go long enough for me to do that?”

I nodded my head. I knew I was going to cry. Just because he knew. When I wouldn’t let go he knew. He knew that I wanted him, and I didn’t have to say anything Teddy taking his robe off before he stepped into the tub with me, before he and I both sat on the bottom of the tub under the water.

“I’m right here,” he told me wrapping his body around mine, his legs against my hips as he held me tightly in his arms, “You’re right here with me and you’re safe. I won’t let anyone hurt you.” He whispered into the back of my shoulder kissing it, “It’s over for right now.”

For right now. Only for right now. That’s what broke me.

That’s where I started crying. Hard. Teddy rubbing my back and shoulders telling me like him and Finn always did to let it go. To just…let it go. I wanted it to be over forever. I didn’t want to go back to that. To…any of it.

“It’s ok,” Teddy cooed kissing my cheek, “It’s ok.”

“It’s not ok,” I managed after a while, “He killed them because I couldn’t…”

“No,” Teddy said forcefully even though he kept his voice calm, “He killed them because he wanted to. Because he decided he was done with them before you ever walked in the building. It had nothing to do with you. That part had nothing to do with you.  
I tried to tell him not to. That it was better if it was me, I begged him to…” Teddy’s voice breaking, “He said no. He said I was lucky I’m…I’m his. Because if I wasn’t he’d throw me on a table and let whoever wante…I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t…”

“No, it’s not your fault,” I insisted pulling on his arms pulling him tight around me, “It’s not your fault. I know you tried. I know you were scared.”

I kissed the back of his hand holding it against my chest against my heart. I knew that he had tried. That he wouldn’t have just walked away and not said anything because he cared. Because he knew I didn’t know them. That I wouldn’t want to do those things with them.

“I’m sorry he did that. I’m so sorry Will like you don’t…”

“I do know though,” I told him, “I do know. And I’m sorry that…”

“You don’t need to be sorry for anything,” Teddy told me resting his head on my shoulder erasing the spot where Tony had kept resting his forehead with his chin as he kissed my cheek, “You’re so strong. You’re my anchor. Can I be yours?”

“I don’t even know what that means,” I managed to mutter.

The way he had said it making my tears cease. Making it easier to breathe as the steam filled the room, as we went silent. The only sound that we could hear the running water.

“It means I know this is hard. That he’s hard to deal with. It means try and let me take care of you, ok?” He told me.

“You already take care of me,” I answered.

“Not as much as I would like,” he told me as I felt him shrug his shoulders even though I couldn’t see him.

Did he mean…? I didn’t want to do that. Not right now. I didn’t want to.

“I didn’t mean sex,” he said quietly, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you, ok? I didn’t mean sex. I don’t want to hurt you and that right now would hurt you more than…more than I could ever live with. I meant just talk to me.”

“He made me have sex with them,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “I didn’t want to, and he got mad and then he made me have sex with him too. He…”

I didn’t want to tell him that. Tell him that he had asked if I wanted to…if I wanted him to be my contract. I didn’t want to…

“Tony doesn’t usually…shit,” Teddy muttered holding me tighter, closer, “Do you want me to wash your back?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

“I think I like your back,” Teddy commented, “It’s smooth and I don’t know. It’s nice. I like being able to see your muscles. Where your shoulder blades are. How strong you are.” He muttered as he shuffled around behind me grabbing a washcloth and some body wash before he started washing my back.

That made me smile, “My back makes you think I’m strong?” I asked him.

“Mhm,” he murmured, “You’re super strong Anchor boy. You just don’t see it,” he told me as he started washing past my shoulder socket and down my left arm. As I felt my face heating up as he washed me, as he sat with me.

“Where is he?” I asked as it dawned on me that he wasn’t in the apartment with us, that I didn’t know where he was.

“Meeting of some kind. I’m going to get out in a minute. I have to. I just wanted to…to be with you,” Teddy said quietly.

“Thank you,” I said as I scooted forward allowing Teddy room to stand up, “Won’t you get in trouble?”

“Not if I leave now,” he said, “He just doesn’t want us to…you know. Without him, so if we’re not alone together it’s better. He doesn’t even care really that you’re my friend he just doesn’t want us to…”

“To talk about him alone?” I guessed as Teddy cleared his throat and opened the shower curtain nodding his head as he stepped out, “What will he do to you if he thinks that…?”

“Nothing good but, I’ll live. I’m not even his to punish anymore really but, Peter’s. Peter doesn’t care so much. He’ll be in town next weekend,” Teddy told me.

“Peter?” I asked.

“Yeah, he’s my contract holder. He’s not here that often like I said before. He was supposed to come this week but, something happened. I don’t know what. Peter’s been calling Papa a lot though. He asked to talk to me earlier while you were gone,” Teddy told me.

“Did he say anything?” I asked him.

“He sounded like he was upset about something. Said he was sorry he had to cancel but that when everything was taken care of he’d come. So, I don’t even know if…if it’s going to be next weekend or sooner,” Teddy admitted before he fell silent.

“What does that mean?” I asked after what felt like a few minutes.

“He’ll want to see me,” Teddy answered from the other side of the curtain as he closed it, “I shouldn’t be…it’s nothing compared to Papa. Not even close but he…I don’t know.”

“You can tell me anything,” I said, “I’m going to finish showering and then we’ll talk about it, ok?”

“Yeah,” he said, “See you in a few minutes?”

“Yeah I’ll be right out,” I told him as I heard the door shut behind him.


End file.
